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b | Barb Sanders | 0318 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-26 | F | YA | I'm sitting at a table, listening to a woman cry about how alone she is. This affects an overweight young woman wearing a low lacy sweater with a blue skirt and white blouse. She starts crying. I say, "Ah, she's affected too." She gets up and walks all the way around the table to come and kneel next to me to hug me and cry into my lap. I call her Princess. I think, "Maybe she doesn't realize that when it's my turn, my stomach gets queazy and I have to go to the bathroom." | 1FSA, 1FSA | SD 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0319 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-27 | F | YA | My father is driving, Mabel is sitting next to him. Howard and I are with them in a VW bus. I have a painful boil on my leg. It hurts. I want the pain to go away. I'm waiting for us to get to our destination so Howard can lance the boil and remove the pain. I think to myself, "I don't have to wait for him to do it. Why am I waiting? I can do it myself and get rid of the pain." Mabel is trying to soothe the feelings between Howard and me (I'm the only one in the back seat). I'm angry, grumpy and sad. She says something soothing like, "Give it a chance." I say, "There is no chance. Howard is a sickie, an emotional sickie." We pass a camping area. A man and a young girl are talking. I hear her say, "I killed her. The other girl and I killed her." I see small camp spots with steep boat ramps to the water. There is no place to stretch out and relax, just space to put the car and boat. I see a stream that's rusty colored and polluted. My father comes to a crossroad, a "T." He's going to turn left. The car is too far out into the intersection. 3 vehicles go by, very close, ready to hit us. I flinch as they go by. The 3rd one honks. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1FSA | AN D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0320 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-27 | F | YA | I'm moving to Dover. I feel sad about leaving my house. I can't figure out why I have done it. I'm moving into an apartment that is next to Rosemary's. Our windows face each other. I want to be next to Rosemary but it's only a one bedroom, a small apartment. I have to leave my pool table and other things at me house in E City. Rosemary and I go for a walk. We're near downtown Dover. We're walking on the freeway across the river. I ask if there are any grocery stores near the apt. She shows me a book store. I enjoy the book store. | 1FKA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0321 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-27 | F | YA | I'm on a staircase. I see a man coming in the house. I am sneaking backward up the stairs hoping he doesn't see me. He does. I think, "It's the light reflected off my eyes." As he comes toward me, I feel pent up anger and I explode. I start yelling. I tell him off, but well. I am getting ready to be in a play and the crew and Ethan, the director, has grudgingly helped me and I'm sick and tired of it. They offer to carry me down the stairs and row me across the river to get to the stage. I refuse their help, angrily. I'm yelling, calling them names and hitting at them. Ginny is in the background. She's afraid and watching me. I snarl, "Just stay away from me. I'll do it myself." I know I'm going to use all my energy just getting to the play and getting ready and I probably won't have anything left to perform with. Then I think, "It'll hurt but by God, I'll do it." I push them aside and walk angrily down the stairs. I see where the boat should be waiting to row me. They aren't there. I walk through the tunnel under the river. I finally reach the stairs on the other side. I go up the stairs. I'm pulling hair pins out of my hair. I get to the top of the stairs. Ethan comes out. He's placating me, apologizing. I glare at him and yell some more. I'm opening a mirror to put on my stage makeup. One eyebrow is put on the wrong place. The other one keeps smudging. Ethan says to me, "My daughter had a dream about a jury. What can it mean?" I say, "You idiot! She is the jury and the judge!" He says, "But what does it mean?" "It means," I speak slowly and witheringly, "that she is feeling guilt. She is sitting in judgement of herself." He sits back and looks sad and guilty. He's aware that he's partially at fault. | 1MSA, 2IOA, 1FKA, 1FKA | AN D, AN D, AP 1FKA, SD 1FKA, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0322 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-27 | F | YA | I'm back in history. The knights in shining armor. I'm an outsider and I'm being chased by the palace guards. The Queen mother wants me dead because her son likes me. I'm running up some stairs, and a herd of guards are after me. I run into a cell-like room and I'm trapped. Seconds before they find me, I hide up on a beam near the ceiling. They look for me and then assume I fell to my death as it's a tower room. The Queen is there. Now I hide and peek and sneak around so they don't find me. I hear voices and run down a flight of stairs. Then I hear more voices coming up the stairs. I hide in a cupboard. It's the changing of the guard and a group of soldiers are coming by me. The officer in charge looks into the cupboard but they don't see me. Then I listen to their instructions of who will guard what so I'll know where not to be. There are 2 guards at each of the 2 doors on the top, or the 4th floor. 2 guards at each end of the 4 doors on the 3rd floor, etc. They leave. Then I see a gaggle of young women. One of them is going to be engaged to the prince. The Queen mother has chosen her. She's unhappy because she's sure he doesn't love her. He still is forlorn because he loves me. Then there's an engagement party. Her parents, a King and Queen come. The King wears a black toga with a red scarf or roses on it. She has an ornate head dress, like the one in Alice in Wonderland. The King is plump and annoyed. He doesn't want the match. Then I see a picture of black men in Africa. I think, "Oh that's another story in this book," (I see a book). I hear a narration. The picture is a ragged line of black men, one has only one leg. They are in the fields and are shooting rifles. "They don't know it but they are encountering Jedi warriors," the narration goes. "It's the first battle of the war." I see them freeze-frame and they are all dying, like a firing squad line. One turns a backward somersault from the force of the impact of all the bullets. | 2MOA, 1FPA, 1MSA, 2MOA, 1FSA, 2MSA, 2MSA, 2MSA, 2MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0323 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-28 | F | YA | I want to go to my bedroom. I'm at a rich and swanky party. I'm told to push a button. I do. The buttons are apples and other fruits. When I push an apple, a bed of red cabbage with cole-slaw stuffing rolls comes out. A woman says, "Oh, good, I don't have to stay in bed all the time. I get so tired of staying in bed day and night." | 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0324 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-28 | F | YA | A man wants me to walk with him. He says he's got a pretty weird family. He lives in a grave yard. I start to walk up some stairs. He's walking on air, on the outside of the stairs. I look and his feet are melting into the stair at each step. I say, "Who do I hear talking?" He says, "It's me." I say, "No, I hear someone on the other side of me." I get a feeling there's an invisible person on my left side. | 1MSA, 2JSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0325 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-01 | F | YA | I am a member of a committee. I've been doing lots of extra time getting 4 different areas documented so we can make a report. A man then takes over and says he'll report on the ones I've already worked on and I can start work on some other areas. I am fed up, angry at him. I say, "Look. I've already worked on 4 of these. I have no interest in working on these others." He sighs and glares, and I start to feel guilty. But then my feeling is, "No, I've done more than my share and I'm not going to do other people's work." I say, "He and I can share our reports we did on the same area." He says, "No. It will be one or the other." He leaves. I try to get the committee members to agree on a time when we'll meet next. No one helps. They leave. I look around. There are tons of things left out that someone needs to put away or our work will be destroyed by uncaring vandals. I'm the only one left to do it. Now I'm really angry and I feel put upon. I start to pick things up, boxes and newspapers, and I see that the job is too much. I hesitate and waver between feelings of, "Well, I'll just leave it," to, "I can't just leave it." I decide it's too big for one person to do and so I leave it. | 1MSA, 2JKA, 2JSA, 1ISA | AN D, AN D, AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0326 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-02 | F | YA | I go to a hotel check in desk. I say to the male clerk, "I want to make reservations here and also at the retreat up in the mountains." He is quite frosty and says, "We have no vacancy." I say, "I wish to go to the mountain retreat first and then come back here to rest during the week." "Ah," he says. "Very well." He starts to write up my reservations. A young woman/girl comes up to me. She used to be a client and starts talking to me. I say to her, "I'm here for a rest and I really don't want to hear you right now." She doesn't like that and sighs. She sneaks in the comment that that is O.K., even if she is going to get married to her step-father, who is a really mean man, and even though she really needs to talk to me. I feel guilty and caught all at the same time. I want alone time but it's obvious she is going to talk to me. I give in. I then do some role-playing with her. I point out how she drops eye contact and turns her body away from me. She says, "Oh, that's very interesting." The clerk suggests that we crash the party and if it gets wild, he'll put his hand over his rosebud boutonniere and I'll adjust my rosebud corsage. That will mean we will meet at the car. I ask him to show me the gesture so I'll recognize the signal. He does it. I see his hand is brown, small and pudgy, child like. I repeat the instructions and hope I don't forget. We go to the party. I'm wearing a long formal gown and I have one high heeled shoe on and one off. I walk on tiptoes with the right foot and hope no one notices my missing shoe. There is a buffet table. Lots of high class snotty women. I'm dishing up food into my plate. A tooth with a feather on it falls out of my mouth onto the table. I am embarrassed. I say nonchalantly, "Oh, pardon," very French-like and classy. I pick it up. It reminds me of an engagement ring. I feel the empty place with my tongue. I realize there had been another one that fell out sometime earlier. | 1MOA, 1FSA, 1MKA, 2FSA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0327 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-02 | F | YA | It's somebody's wedding. I'm going to sing a duet with the bride because she's nervous and doesn't want to do it alone. There's a crowd like at a movie theatre. I go out to get a cup of coffee. As I'm going back in, I hear her singing the duet alone. I remember the word "Jean." It's her name. I feel badly and I try to get there for her. The crowd gets in the way. I realize that she's doing O.K. | 1FSA, 2JSA | AP 1FKA, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0328 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-02 | F | YA | I'm on land, near a large body of water, the ocean I think. We are abandoning the land. Each of us (family), I think dive into the water. A man and I are in a capsule that protects us from the pressure and gives oxygen so we can breathe. The man is from the depths of the water. I am a little afraid, but feel safe with the man. We go many miles to the very depth of this vast ocean. I see the color red and then it would go away. There is a city of structures down there. I note that it's easy to be down there because it's not crowded. My "father" tells me to wear a pretty blue dress. He doesn't really tell me so much as we both agree that I should look pretty and sexy to help the man. I then sit on the man's lap. The man sees my dress and puts his finger where a gap is between buttons near my breast. My "father" says, "Oh, is he spoiling it all?," meaning we had planned that to look sexy and he's sort of looking at it objectively, like it's an error. I watch the man's face and feel comfort and I say, "No, it's all right." Then I see a girl. She has mime make-up on. She comes near us and says, "Well, where's the middle-aged man I'm supposed to recreate the joys of sex with?" The man hears and I'm embarrassed. I tell her to go away. I can handle this myself. I look at the man. I hope he's not offended at our crude way of trying to help him. He is startled and then pleased. I feel he is attracted to me. Suddenly he looks concerned. He looks around. I feel danger. A woman "sister" and several other persons are near by. He says firmly, "Everyone get back into the 'ship' at once. If you don't come at once, you'll be dead." Something has set a device to blow up. The sister turns to pull a switch. It is to be the last little "straightening up" or finishing of her work and then she'll join us, but she gets a look of confusion and terror on her face because now she has to finish a sequence. She can't let go and it will be too late. She smiles weakly and tells us to go on. I don't want to abandon her. I encourage her and the others to drop what they are doing at once. One other does. She can't. She's trapped in this sequence. We get in the ship and back away from danger. | 1MSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 2ISA, 1FSA | AP D, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0329 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-04 | F | YA | I'm a prisoner. I'm chained in a line with others. Our chains are a large slice of whole wheat bread. We are encased in it and have to eat a hole out of it to breathe and see where we're going. Together we all make up a loaf of bread. We walk around. I can only see a little bit so I have to be very quick and good at staying on my feet and moving around obstacles. If I fall, then I'll just be dragged around by the others, most painful. The British guard sees how well I'm doing. He calls me "Andrew" and puts me at the head of the line. I am challenged and want to show how good I am at this. I call out orders to the others and in precision, we go up and down stairs and duck obstacles. Later, I'm walking in a park (free of bread). I see Sylvester the Cat. I call to him. He is nervous. He comes over to be petted and then goes on his way. I walk on. I look for a bathroom. I find one. The door isn't there so I get a poster, and write a message to Howard and tape it to cover the door area. I see raspberries and packages of perfume in the toilet. I look at the package. It's a pretty, naked woman with long flowing hair and flowers coming out of her navel. I look across the street. I see "Liberace" and call him "Finn" I say, "Hey, are these yours?" He says, "They are." He's working in a store and makes pies. He has a pot belly and steals these things and hides them. He tells me that he must have loved his first wife because he married her. | 2MOA, 1MOA, 1ANI, 1FSA, 1MKA | AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0330 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-04 | F | YA | I'm in a house, getting ready to go home. Howard is there. He wants to kiss me and go home with me. I want to be nice to him but I don't want him back. If I'm nice to him, he'll move right in. I feel trapped. Then, Curtis of Nighthawks comes in. He doesn't pay a lot of attention to me. He stands near me. I say, "I know you." He says, "I don't know you." I say, "Of course. I like your music." "Ya?," he says. "Did you buy my album?" I say, "No, not yet," and explain why not. He starts to dance. It's very complicated. I recognize it as a dance I saw on T.V. and join in. He's very pleased and impressed that I can do it. We dance. We draw closer. I am sexually attracted to him and I'm feeling anger. He responds to me. I draw him toward the bedroom. He stops and says, "I want to make love, but not now, not here. Let's wait a few days." I get angrier. He's just trying to reject me. He doesn't really like me. I walk away and try to sneak out so he'll miss me and never know where to find me. He runs after me and apologizes. He gives me reasons why he wanted to wait that are logical (no contraceptives, wants it to be nicer place, etc.), and says he's sorry he should have let me know that he liked me. He just doesn't know how to express it very well. I forgive him. It's hard to wait. | 1MKA, 1MKA | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0331 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-05 | F | YA | I am cooking some party nibbles for the women in my book. They are coming over. I'm trying to clean the house which is a big mess seconds before they're to be there. There are packages and packages of raw hamburger they have brought as food. I suddenly decide to make sweet and sour meatballs. I go to the kitchen to cook. Only one or two of the whole group come and I smell rotting hamburger. | 2FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0332 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-05 | F | YA | I'm in a swimming pool. Ginny and I are swimming. I stay near the edge. People keep getting in my way. They cling to the edge too and once I had to swim around them. As get to the shallow end, I walk, limping. I notice they have removed all the water from the pool. Also I see a bunch of older people walk by. They are being led to the children's wading pool. One old guy's bare butt shows like he is wearing a hospital gown. The water is all gone because they clean it and return it at half-time. The water starts to come back in. As it does, a cage or screening drops over the pool and we are turned full circles. At the point where I'm upside down, with the water rolling in over me, is very frightening. It's akin to carnival rides. It happens several times. Then it's swim time again. A boy comes to me, holding a soggy pair of ear muffs he has found in the pool. He is deaf. I tell him to take it to the lifeguard. At first I shout, forming my words carefully. Then I try finger spelling. He takes them to his mom, also deaf. She takes them to her husband (a counselor at a conference I met and also a friend of Rachel's, an ex-priest, now married). He is deaf also. I painstakingly finger spell, wishing I had learned sign language because it must be frustrating for him to have to converse so slowly. He holds the ear muffs up to the crowd and tries to speak. He has a voice, but he sounds deaf. Everyone in the pool shuts up and is embarrassed. I intervene and scold them for being insensitive and fearful and ignorant about disabilities. I then can't remember the sign for "B." I ask someone, Ginny or Bonnie. He then signs, "We'll do the alphabet together so we know we're using the same signs." His hand is small and his fingers are also deformed; nonetheless, we both can make the signs. Then a girl in my class leaves the pool. Her boyfriend is harassing her. I follow and intervene. The boyfriend (Rosemary's Cory), is being very obnoxious and verbally threatening. I tell him to leave. | 1FKA, 1MSA, 2JSA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0333 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-05 | F | YA | I'm building a fire in a fireplace. The floor in the living room is a mess, wood, sawdust, papers, etc. I put it in the fireplace. I get a fire going. It's snowing outside. I'm proud that I got the fire going when no one's around to rescue me if I blow it. Smoke comes out into the room. I fix that. The fire starts to die out. I pull several old logs from previous fires. They still have coals, red hot, and help get this fire burning. I notice it's nearing 8 o'clock. I'm supposed to be back at work for the evening shift. I don't want to leave. I excuse myself because it's snowing. I feel like I'm playing hookey. I go out for more wood. My bathroom is in another building. It's a long walk. | null | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0334 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-06 | F | YA | I'm in my house, only it's M City or someplace isolated. It's late at night and I'm alone. I lock all the doors. I put the cats out. I have a feeling of deep foreboding. I feel afraid. I get to my bedroom, and step outside to look. There is an airport across the way, a county airport. I see a plane coming in for a landing. It crashes into something or explodes. I feel sick because I am witnessing an awful thing. I see it explode and I see the flames. I say, "Oh no!" It crashes into places and buildings and people on the airport ground. I run into my bedroom. Now I'm asleep in my bed feeling the fear of what I had witnessed. I'm trying to wake up. I have to wake up because the awfulness of the crash has affected the girls/women at the airport. They are coming to my house. I try to turn on the light on my bed. It won't go on. I feel this is sinister. I grope for a flashlight. It rolls and nearly falls off the headboard. I catch it just as it almost falls. I am so afraid it's a terror, a nightmare. I turn it on. A weak light shines. I try to get up and I fall out of bed. I know something is very wrong. I get back in bed. I get out of bed. I look out the window. I must call the police. I get the phone. It's a wall phone. It's dead. I look and the women are swarming all around me, like zombies or crazies. They moan and cry out, "Don't let the police catch you." A policeman comes to the door. He picks me up to take me over to the airport. I am paralyzed with fear. I don't know who to trust. Then I hit out at the policeman. I knock his head off. It doesn't matter. He's carrying me away. Then I'm trying to wake up and write the dream down. I see myself writing the dream down (It was hard to wake up. It's an awful feeling). | 2ANI, 2FSA, 1MOA, 1MOA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0335 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-06 | F | YA | I'm in bed with Gordon (co-worker). We are lying there, clothed, talking about clients and work. I look out the window and see a boy who is turning in to a duck. He is growing soft white down on his chest. I am intrigued by this boy. He's been abandoned. I reach out and touch the downy softness. I ask him to come into the house. We'll examine him and take care of him. A couple of VR counselors come in. One is Paul Simon. I am attracted to him and vice versa. I am now on the periphery of the group. I go outside and sit down. Paul comes out with 3 copies of the VR class report on the boy. I start to read it. A tall guy, a friend of Paul's comes over. He's my boyfriend. He sits near me. Paul goes in the house and sits in the upstairs window and looks longingly down at me. I look longingly up at him. We silently agree to go away. The tall guy leaves for a minute. Paul and I sneak off. Wherever we go, this tall guy appears. We even go to different time periods. In one time period, I complain about the locked in lot of women. The tall guy appears as a boxer. I keep wanting to read the case report. Paul decides to take me home to his house. We have to sneak in because his parents would misunderstand and think we just wanted to go to bed. Paul leaves me at the front door and sneaks around to the back. The father comes out and finds a baby at the door step. I am in full view but he doesn't see me. I'm lying on my back, hiding. The father pulls some clothes, adult women size, out of a hamper for the baby. He then massages the mother's neck to placate her. He's taking care of her so she won't throw the baby out. | 1MKA, 1MSA, 2MOA, 1MKA, 2FSA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0336 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-06 | F | YA | Mabel comes over to my house. She's going out on a date the next night and wants to borrow a blouse or a sweater as I always have nice things to wear. She wants to look special. I look around in my closet and find pretty, white, soft, translucent blouses. She tries them on. She can't decide which one. I find her a blue skirt. Then she tries on a pair of shorts and a pink blouse with a bow at the neck. I say, "Oh, you aren't going to wear that are you?" Then I find her a pretty blue dress. We both agree that it will look very nice. | 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0337 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-06 | F | YA | I don't remember images but I remember a feeling of "trying on different emotions to assist me to relate to men." I can't seem to find the right one. | 2MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0338 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-07 | F | YA | Howard comes back. We get married again. I can't figure out why I did it. It feels wrong. Howard and I are going to the coast for our honeymoon. He says, "We'll talk." He says he's a very unhappy man, 13 unhappy marriages. First to me, then to Karen, and then to me again. He tries to commit suicide in the ocean. He comes back. He wants us to go down to the ocean and play. I say, "No, let's sit on the sand right here and talk." He keeps pulling away and wanting to go do something. I say, "Wait. I'm feeling really frustrated. This is what happened before. You won't open up. I just want to feel close. I want to feel emotion. You feel so cold and distant." Then I say, "Ya, I know. I do it too. I'm afraid, but let's try this time." He can't. I feel sad and relieved. | 1MKA, 1FKA | SD D, AN D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0339 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-07 | F | YA | I'm driving a friend down Centennial Loop. I'm describing the way so she'll know how to get around on her own. We pay over several bridges. They are monuments to Elvis Presley of Memphis. I see a blue and white 55 Chevy convertible in perfect shape. Then we're walking across the bridge. There are thousands of scrapbooks with interesting stories in them, stories of women who had stirring psychic events. I then stop reading them. I say, "I don't believe it. If it had happened to so many, then I would have felt it too." I then see my mother. She is flying. She does a dance on the top of a street light. I then decide to fly too. I do so. I go up to her. We're up at the height of the telephone wires. I say to her, "Let's go higher." She says, "Ha! This is hard work, just to get this high." I worry about suddenly losing the power to fly if I go higher, then it will really hurt if I fall. I see a line of people like in a carnival stage. We go closer to see. The women are mostly naked. One person is invisible. We go closer and discover that it is a man, fully dressed in a brown suit and tie. The reason no one can see him is because of a light that goes on and off behind him. He comes over to us and says, "Fix the food." We ask, "What kind of food?" He says, "You know the usual, African food." My mother and I grow pretty white wings and fly across the street. With the wings, I feel secure now and not afraid of falling. I am delighted at their beauty and how cleverly they tuck in when they're not in use, so no one sees them. I fly up to a guy and ask him where the food is so we can prepare a meal. His eyes widen as he sees my wings. I'm fluttering them effortlessly to maintain my stillness in mid-air. My mother and I start to set the table, in mid-air. | 1FKA, 1MPA, 2FSA, 1MSA, 1MSA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0340 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-08 | F | YA | I'm packing to go to M City to visit my parents. I have things in 3 different places so it's all confusing to me. I have stuff at my school dorm room, at the house in M City (remodeled), and at a third place. Ginny drives me from place to place. I'm trying to remember all the important things like my book that I'm writing, some clothes, and my toothbrush. When I'm at the M City house, I see it's all changed. The bathroom's been moved up stairs and the stairs are hard to walk up. Ginny helps me. I get up there. Jake, with a bald head but young, is standing in the shower part of the bathroom. He's angry. I think he's been sent there as a punishment. I ask him to leave for a minute. I try to sit on the toilet, but a potty trainer device is on it and it's very uncomfortable. I admire the size of the room and its new pink color. I then go get in my beat up red pickup truck (like Dwight's), and drive to the dorm to get my toothbrush. I look in the mail box and wonder why I don't get as much mail as I used to as a teenager. I think, "It's getting late and dark, and it's a long drive and I still have to stop somewhere to get a hamburger." I suggest to Ginny (mom) that we drive caravan, but she wants to go on because I'm taking too long. I feel frustrated and inept. She commiserates with me. It's because of the remodeling that I can't easily find the things I want to take with me. Then, I'm looking at a tennis match. I think, "I can play tennis." I get out there and miss a serve and make another mistake. The officials then look at the ball. It's been doctored so it's an unfair match. The officials call the game and bring this information to everyone's attention. The women's team is upset and angry. Someone says, "Rematch, only with a fair ball." I take the challenge. I go to the official and say, "Give me a good ball." She says, "Do you want a standard one, or will you make your own?" I decide to make my own. I shape it out of pink gooey stuff. 4 big guys are on the men's side waiting. I feel tense and sure of myself. Then, as I make the ball, I feel unsure and scared. I decide not to chance making my own. I say, "Give me a good standard ball, then there's no question about its weight." I then see an "instant" replay of the decision about the unfair ball. As I watch, a man with a camera comes close up to my face. I feel like crying because of the injustice of an unfair ball. As the tears start to flow, he starts to take a picture. He's encouraging me to cry. "Come on honey, that's it." I feel exploited and turn to him, with an angry face and yell, "Just what do you think you're doing?!" I then go out on the court and take the 4 men on one at a time. I'm good. I beat them. They are very surprised (I wake up because I hear an odd voice in my mind saying, "Knock, knock, knock, knock." I thought someone was in the room or outside my door until I woke up). | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JOA, 2JOA, 1ISA, 2JOA | CO D, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0341 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-08 | F | YA | I had 2 other dreams last night but no images or recollections from them. I remember thinking, "Uh oh, now I'm hiding them." | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0342 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-08 | F | YA | I'm driving and I keep taking the wrong turns. At first, I end up on a dirt road beside the highway, on the right. I come to a stop and realize I have to back up. I tell the female passenger to watch on the right side so I don't go over the edge into the river. I watch the left side so I don't hit a 3' wall. She turns to me and says, "I think you'd better watch this side. I don't want us to go off into the river." I kind of look at her like, "Woo, what a slow brain." I back up, and get back on the highway. Then I take a left side road and I'm really frustrated now. All this is taking time and I just want to get on with my journey. I pound my steering wheel and say, "Damn it!" We are on a one way narrow road that spirals down and down and down. I am aware that if I had been quick enough just before the spiral started, I could have taken a left road that would have got me back on the highway easier. I feel like it's "one of those days," nothing goes right. We end up in a room. An older woman, the captain of a ferry boat, comes over. I ask her how to get back up to the highway. She says, "The only way to do that is to take my ferry and it will cost." There are 3 ferry rides between here and central (state). I realize we are far below the highway, perhaps deep in the river already. I see it rushing past and wonder how you start a ferry ride when you're under water to start with. I think, "This woman is just trying to get money out of me." I ask her, "Well, how do you get back on the highway? Do you go clear to central (state) first and turn and go back?" She smiles and says, "No, I take route XXX." I look on my map, figuring I'll take that route. I can't find it, so I give up and pay for the ferry ride. | 1FSA, 1FOA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0343 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-09 | F | YA | I am directing, acting in a play. It's at a conference and the parents are the audience. I'm a teacher and the rest of the actors are students. I don't know my lines. Other actors come 10 minutes late and miss their scenes. I keep whispering asides to the other actors. I feel really embarrassed. At one point, I walk out and say, "Well, since we're waiting for one of the actresses to show up, we'll get on with the conference. The parents applaud that idea. They are obviously bored with us. Then I'm off-stage. A dog is trying to get a can/bottle opener out of my purse and I fight him and make him leave. Then the rest of the cast shows up and rather than disappoint them, we continue with the show. The parents, a few of them seated way in the back, are bored. My back is to the audience. I can't remember lines. At one point, I'm adlibbing and I ask, "So you're going on vacation, eh?" The girl looks at me agonizingly and says, "I don't know." So I continued, "Where are you going and how?" She gulps, pauses, and says, "I'd rather not talk about it now." We just drop the rest of that scene. By now, the parents are stirring, talking, and showing each other pictures of their children (in the play). An exercising class comes on stage and uses the left half of the stage. Then the next scene begins. I see cute decorations for scenery and feel proud of my students. I comment an aside to one that I didn't even give directions for scenery and yet they did such a good job, on their own. I think we're doing a murder mystery. A "policeman," my cousin Lenny sits on my right. I am an "old woman," Vera. Lots of people come to the table. I'm reading my prop book to find the lines I can't remember. I have to share it with the "policeman." Ginny/Lydia on my left helps me look for lines. I see an article for tropical poisonous fish. It is an awful experience. I just want it to end. The parents start applauding. They had seen actors coming into the scene and they thought it was curtain call, or hoped it was, anyway! | 2JOA, 1FOA, 2JOA, 1ANI, 2JSA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1FKA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0344 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-10 | F | YA | I'm asleep on my tummy in a one room apartment. It's night. Ginny comes in and she's just arrived from San Francisco. She lays down on top of me and hugs me. I'm really glad she's back. I am aware of tenderness and sexual excitement. She slides her arms around my breasts. I feel repelled and then decide I want her. I turn. She takes her clothes off. I lay on top of her and feel exquisite tenderness, love and sexual desire. We caress and kiss one another. I am making love to her. I want her to feel good. Her enjoyment heightens my enjoyment. It's all in the first tentative stages, desire and need are strong, and then something stops it, or it just stops and I'm feeling the cats jump on the bed and curling up to sleep. I sense her 2 boys in the background somewhere (I wake up amazed at how real all of that felt). | 1FKA, 1FKA, 2ANI | HA D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0345 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-10 | F | YA | I'm with Aunt Naomi and Uncle Gus. There's a volcano going to erupt. Uncle Gus wants to go see it, but I don't. I feel scared. There are children, half grown, and several boys who have grown beards. One has a girl with him. He says, "I never knew what anything meant until I met her, and now I'm alive." We're high on a mountain peak. Uncle Gus takes us down to the flat lands. He shows us a fancy yacht he gets to drive. I look closely. I say, "Oh, isn't it on fire? Are those flames coming out of it?" Uncle Gus runs to look. My "dad" is watching the flames. Uncle Gus is sad now. Then I feel the volcano starting to erupt. I run back toward the mountain peak house, calling for my daughters to hurry. I find Dovre and Paulina, but Ellie is in the shower being stubborn, unaware of the danger. I call insistently. She comes out. We run and run. Then the "children" are climbing up a cathedral-like thing and the statues of angels and Mary break in the earthquake and fall and kill some of the children. My daughter is safe. A little boy is not. He dies. I sorrowfully pick up a little angel statue and cry out at the awfulness of the children dying by these statues. A jeep pulls up. 2 men are in it. One is a bearded "son" and his friend. They are drunk. I tell the friend. He doesn't want to believe the boy died. He asks, "But there were 2 groups of children, he was in the group that was safe, eh?" I sadly said, "No." The bearded man cried out in anguish and sorrow. With no child, there is no reason to live. He rails against the religious figures that killed his son. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1MSA | AP D, SD 1FKA, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0346 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-11 | F | YA | I'm at Aunt Elaine's house. I am getting married to her son Terence. The problem is somehow we're alike. He has a rack of clothes just like mine, dresses, bra, etc. They are actually prettier than mine. I knock some off the rack as I walk by. I'm embarrassed and pick them up. He's at the table already. It's a party to celebrate our forthcoming marriage. I feel very unsure and keep saying, "You don't want to do this. Let's call it off." Terence assures me that he will be fine and care for me properly when we're married. I'm given a glass of milk. I see a crack in the glass. I fiddle with it and it breaks; the whole glass shatters into square pieces. The milk spills out and is soaked up into the table cloth. My "dad" seated on my left frowns. My "mom" seated across from me, next to Terence, looks surprised. I leave the table to get a replacement. I go to the kitchen with Aunt Elaine. I see her kitchen curtains. They are like mine, so I wonder if that's where I got them. I'm writing in my appointment book. Someone named KLU is written 3 times in the afternoon for lunch. She's coming from back east. Someone else wants to make an appointment at that time. I start to erase KLU. Someone says "No," and I write O.K. on another day. I feel uncomfortable marrying Terence, because somehow "we are the same" and I'm concerned that he doesn't care about me. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1ISA, 1ISA, 1ISA | AP D, AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0347 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-11 | F | YA | I'm at the top of a waterfall or a rush of turbulent water. As I'm careening down, the water becomes a freeway, crowded with other cars. I'm out of control and I can only hope that as I merge into oncoming traffic, I don't hit anybody. I do manage by luck, not skill, to merge successfully. I am in the left hand lane (the fast lane). I must get over to the right lane to make an exit. I barely manage to do that. As I start to make a right turn to get on the road I think I want, I find myself being pulled backwards down another road that goes to the left. It's like a track (like in a Walt Disney fun ride), has hooked onto my van. I'm being taken for a ride. I have no control. I'm sitting behind the driver's seat; the van is going backwards and I can't see clearly where we're going. I'm alone and concerned that our van will crash into something. As I realize that I'm in a truck, I semi-relax, put my feet up and lean back. I watch traffic the van narrowly misses. The van is going fast. I get where I'm going and now I'm in my wheelchair. I'm going to visit Rhonda's acting class. It's a reunion now that I've made it big in Hollywood. I see Ronnie (a student). She says, "Oh! It's you. How are you?" I'm somebody important now. | 2JSA, 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0348 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-12 | F | YA | I'm in a small school auditorium or cafeteria. We are all looking for pictures for when my mother was 5 or 6 years old. My father points to a picture of when I'm (looks like Lydia), a baby and says, "Maybe keep that one because you look like her." I see another picture, a "graduation" picture. A crowd of people are in a semi-circle. I see myself, right in the center of the curve. I'm wearing a blazer jacket, shorts or a short skirt and furry knee boots. I note that my legs are pretty good looking. I see a man near me that I feel warm about. I look at the legs of another girl. Her legs are skinny with large knobby knees. I think, "Oh, how could she wear a short skirt. Isn't she embarrassed?" Then I look at a letter written by high school boyfriend Nate, only the name "Julian" is on the envelope. I decide not to read it because I didn't like him. Up on the stage, are puppets, little dogs, and one is playing the drums. There is a scrap book that is fur lined. I feel it. It's very soft and nice. The room is crowded. I'm laying on top of a round table. "Dad" is somewhere near. A guy comes in. I wave my book at him and say, "Come join us." He says, "No, I'm Mark, the Home Ec. teacher, and I came in here to tell you that our class starts in a few minutes. I'm going to be a hard nose about it and insist you leave." I say, "Well, I'm here for a math class. We started at noon." People start leaving. He looks at the book in my hand and says, "Oh! Dreams. Not me! They are too intelligent!" I say, "Because they tell you so much about yourself?" He says, "Too much!" I shrug my shoulders. He's not got the right attitude. I want to learn everything. I see a book in his hand. It has a picture of a building. I say, "Oh! I've been there. I've seen that building. Where is it?" It is white, stone and ornate, with many carved 'gargoyles' and lions on it, iron ornate fences, etc., one story long. A woman looks at it and asks what the book is about. He says, "Architecture." I think the building is in another state. He says, "It's an agriculture building." He then says, "It's written by a rheumatoid. I say, "Ya, a lot of them write books. I'm going to, too." I go to a shelf of books like in a library and look at them. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1MKA, 2ANI, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0349 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-12 | F | YA | I'm a "soda jerk." Lots of people are crowded in. They are all singing because the boss, a good-looking young man is. I mouth the words because he is watching, and then I just stop. I don't want to sing, even if I lose my job. A plump man comes to my left and asks me to please tell him what the 4th of July is like. He looks at me like, "Don't laugh, I'm serious." I feel like laughing, after all, everyone knows what 4th of July is like. Then I think, "Maybe he's a foreigner or something." I glance over at my boss who's watching and take the time from my job to explain to him. "It's when families get together and go off to parks or camping. Some fish, some hike, and some hunt. Then I remember, "Oh, lots of food and other families go to the city park and watch fireworks." I realize that I should have told him that first because that's the more American traditional way. My boss stands by me and indicates I should be working. | 2JSA, 1MOA, 1MSA, 2JSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0350 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-12 | F | YA | I'm in a department store, looking for the cigarettes, a carton of Salems. The store has been remodeled. I can't find them. I am holding a carton of cigs, the carton is bright red and the cigs are not Salems, so I keep looking. I see a display case with "novelty" cigs; they are Salems. One jar is full of fat candy cigarettes with chocolate tips. Another has cigars, fat, with a "fringe" on it. I decide to take the candy cigs because the regular ones can't be found and they are better than nothing. Then Ginny brings me some of hers, the real kind. | 1FKA, 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0351 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-12 | F | YA | I'm at a beach. A big wave is rolling over people. A woman. I see high tide and then low tide. | 2JSA, 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0352 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-13 | F | YA | Two high school girls are walking back to their pickup truck. It's at night, so the girls are worried. I'm one of the girls. As we near the truck, I feel a sense of foreboding. Men are near by and they will rape us if they get their hands on us. As we get near the truck, I show my girlfriend and say, "Run!" I'm fumbling for my keys. She's ahead of me so I shove her and yell, "Lock the door, quickly." She is incredibly slow. Two men are in the pickup bed coming for the door. I scramble over her and reach for the back button. Just as I hit the button, the man in a red cap grabs the door handle. It's a tussle. I'm nearly paralyzed with fear. I get the door locked and now I have to roll up the window. I barely get it closed. They're trying to force the door open. I turn on the ignition and gun the motor. I try to shake them off. They hang on and get into the pickup bed. I careen around the streets to shake them off. I suddenly stop because there's a fallen tree across the road, with its branches strewn around. I back up and turn around. I finally get rid of the rapists but I must hurry back home to safety. Now the roads are snowy. The pickup truck is now a tape recorder we're pushing up the hill. Other cars are in our way. One skids out of control. I have to gun the motor and try to get around. I feel my friend gasp and say, "Oh! Be careful." I make it, and then I'm aware that to gun my motor too much will be hazardous, and I'll spin my wheels to no avail. With tricky driving, I am making it up the hill. Sometime I reach out to a clothes rack full of clothes on the right side of the road to pull myself along. Then I'm in a "boxcar" thinking and I'm talking to a "brother." One of us has to go out there and get to safety. Now I'm the brother and my sister tells me to go out there. I say sarcastically, "Thanks a lot!" She tells me why it's me that should go out there; it's something about protecting her. | 2FSA, 1FKA, 2MSA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 1MKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0353 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-13 | F | YA | Someone is going to write on a chalkboard. He has the chalk so therefore he's in charge of that segment. I don't want him to be. I ask him if he's in charge or not. He won't answer. I get annoyed. | 1MSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0354 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-13 | F | YA | I'm at a dressing table. Kotex pads are strewn around. There is menstrual blood on the sleeves of my robe. I try to cover it with my hand. I clean up my dressing table/desk. Co-workers Josh and Pat, and other counselors come in. Someone puts music on. They dance. I get up and say, "Very interesting. I can do that. Let me show you." I scurry them off. The music is slow and sad. I dance by using my arms to gesture and by not moving my feet very much. I do, however, manage a toe stand once or twice. It's a very sad and moving dance. After, I go sit down in an easy chair. I see a big box with lots of birds flying around in it. I notice it has nothing on the front to keep the birds in. At first, the birds stay in, and then the baby quail scurries out. A big owl is standing near by and starts to dive for the baby quail. I jump up and yell. A cat goes for the baby quail. I push it away. Several of the women counselors come over and complement me on my dance. Then a man comes behind me as I'm sitting in this high backed winged chair. He has mistaken me for his wife. He calls me by her name. He wants me to come home. I tell him that he's mistaken. He won't believe me. I tell him to be careful of the swordfish that's on top of the box with the birds. I notice it has no sword and I wonder if I've misnamed it. He ignores the diversion and pursues me. He's middle-aged and pudgy. I keep pushing him away. He hugs me and pleads. I am aware that Pat is upstairs. She played the music for my dance. | 2JKA, 1FKA, 2FOA, 1ANI, 1MSA, 1ANI | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0355 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-13 | F | YA | A royal family. Something about a separation at a young age, many travels through different lands. Holland is represented by wooden shoe-shaped pick up beds that held tulips. I searched for the prince. I looked in a movie house. I saw him and hid behind a curtain. I thought I was the one they tried to kill. Then I crossed a border and found the two I'd been separated from since they were babies. Even though they were grown now, I held one and cooed it as if he were a baby. He was embarrassed but tolerated it. | 1MPA, 2JKA, 1MKA | AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0356 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-14 | F | YA | I'm going to a party. I'm going with a man much younger than myself. His mom is going to drive us to the party. She does not approve. I feel a little silly. He says, "Don't worry, when she's left, we'll have a good time." She watches us. As we near the house where the party is, I hear talk about a boy that deliberately does things improperly to get attention. He's always getting in trouble. I think, "Oh, he'll grow up." I see people arriving for the party, uni house kids. They have presents and food. I am empty-handed. I feel embarrassed for that and also because I'm older than they and so I feel out of place. | 1MSA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 2JSA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0357 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-14 | F | YA | A man like Raul is going to be in a play, he and his friend. Ginny and I are in the audience. We're dating the men. Ginny leaves the room for a moment. I sit in something like a church pew. 2 older women, loud talkers and criticizers, sit next to me and behind me. I am embarrassed. I tell them, "Hey, these kids are doing the best they can." The play has a large cast and I'm in the very front row. The play happens in front of me and off to my right. The chorus line is dancing with huge oxygen tanks. Then the play is over. I'm sitting in grandma Agnes' living room. It's like a reception for the cast. Ginny has come back just at the ending of the play and she has squeezed in between me and the noisy lady. The lady is annoyed but I point out to her that it was our bench first. Raul comes out and sits on a couch next to me. We talk about the play. I look out an open window and see a multi-colored baby flamingo bird sneaking in. I say, "Oh! So that is a flamingo?" Raul looks and says, "Oh ya, I guess so." He's not too interested. I encourage it to come in. There are 2. They both come in and I shut the window before they can escape. My mother has been waiting a long time. She'll be happy. I tell my father, "Hey, the flamingos are here." He says, "Oh, let them go, she hasn't got the bookcases that were going to go with it." I say, "No! She really wants this. She can arrange them differently if something isn't here." He shrugs his shoulders. Then Andrea comes up all aglow and says, "Barb, thanks so much for the card," and goes on to thank others for their gifts. I shrug it off; it doesn't matter. I feel glad that she thanked me but embarrassed that it is only a card. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 2FSA, 1FKA, 1ANI, 2ISA, 1FKA | AP D, AP D, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0358 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-14 | F | YA | A man gets out of prison. He's walking around and he sees me. I am longingly looking at a motorcycle. It's a creamy brown color. He walks up to me and says, "Oh ya?" meaning little ol' you is interested in riding this powerful motorcycle? I just smile and walk away. He says, "You wait over there. I'll get you a motorcycle." I sit on a couch across the ornate hotel lobby room from a huge log fire. The flames are white. There is a small log fire with white flames on the couch next to me. I warm myself on it. I am tired, so I nod off for awhile as he goes to get me a motorcycle. A man comes by and puts a note in my hand. I am aware of it, even though I'm asleep. A couple loom large on my left, watching and then they leave. The man with a motorcycle comes. I am pleased and happy. I get on the seat behind him. I ask him where I should sit and, "How do I place my feet so I'll be safe?" He instructs me. I put my arms around him and lay my hands on the handle bars with his. He removes my hands and puts them on his chest. I think that makes sense; it could be dangerous with both of us in control. I think, "Later, I'll sit in front and drive and he can ride." I enjoy the sensual pleasure of curling around him as we ride along. It's like I "have to" put my arms around him for my safety, not that I'm putting my arms around him for pleasure and therefore I could enjoy the pleasure. | 1MSA, 1MSA, 2ISA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0359 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-15 | F | YA | I'm in a class. Ethan is the teacher. In order to pass, I have to learn to shoot a rifle, drink Section 8 juice and jog. I'm back in M City. There's a male bully that challenges me. I get a new angle for my left angle, RA leaves, I jog to build up muscle tone. The Section 8 juice is light cider with a couple teaspoons of Section 9, which is hard cider. I practice hard. At the last day of class, I shoot a perfect bull's eye with a pump rifle and then with a 30-30. I drink twice as much Section 8 as anyone else. Everyone is amazed at my prowess. I'm proud. I wake up with the words "And the light follows." Oh, I just remembered that as I was practicing jogging, I ran past the old house in M City. It had been removed so that there was space and light for a small, cute, cozy apartment for an old lady. As I ran by, I peeked in the windows. There was no kitchen, because someone else did her cooking. I saw a pretty Afghan, multi-colored, and a rocking chair, a single bed, with lots of lovely windows. I thought, "Well, when she dies, they can put in a kitchen so the unit will be reusable." [BL] | 1MKA, 1MSA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1ISA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0360 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-16 | F | YA | My parents have a house. They've added a room. I'm admiring the kitchen and pantry. | 2JKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0361 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-16 | F | YA | I'm going to go see cousin Terence. He's on the sixth floor. I pass a bed that's outside. It's raining. Willie and Dan bring a bedspread to cover their blankets when it rains. I ask them, "Is the bedspread waterproof so the blankets won't get mildew?" They don't really answer us and I pat it to see. It's raining heavily. It's a blue wool Indian blanket. I go in the house and look for the elevator. There are two. A man falls out of the one on the right. He'd gotten sick in there, so I get into the one on the left. I look for the button for 6th floor. I don't see it. I call out to 2 men and ask them to help me. I say, "Could you do it? My hands are very weak." They look at each other like, "Oh no! A pigeon!" I get nervous. One gets in my elevator and stands to my left. The other gets in the other elevator which is open to mine now. I know they are going to hurt me because I said I'm weak. I see a pile of crutches and canes. I push #6 button and run over and pick up my cane. As they lunge for me, I fight them off with my cane. I escape out of the elevator but it's only for the second floor. It takes courage but I get back on the elevator because it's too much pain/energy to walk up the stairs. The men are gone. I get to the 6th floor. Terence and his bride are off in their bedroom sleeping, on an extended honeymoon. A "hippie" guy comes to the door and asks to speak to Terence. I tell him, "Terence is unavailable because he's on his honeymoon." The guy is quite upset. I call Terence. Terence comes out, walks over to him, and says, "Listen, you little fucker, leave me alone. I don't like you." Other relatives are shocked that he talks this way. I am wearing a bride's dress and veil. I raise my eyebrow and speak in a clear voice. Everyone is impressed with me. They know I'm angry and Terence's going to get in trouble. I walk up to Terence and say, "Would you be kind enough to step into the library for a moment?" He does so. It's like a dad calling his son on the carpet. I put my hands behind my back and pace back and forth and lecture him. "You will never, I said never, call anyone a 'fucker' again. You will be honest and polite." I then role-play with him on how to tell the guy that he doesn't like him and how to ask for him to go away assertively. He listens gravely and practices his role-play. | 1MKA, 2MKA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 2MSA, 1FSA, 2JSA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0362 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-18 | F | YA | I'm in N City visiting Aunt Elaine's. We go through town. I am getting married, or have a boyfriend. We find a boyfriend for my younger "sister." We go "home." "Mom and dad" are leaving on a trip, leaving the house to my sister and me. I open a drawer to get something for them and a small hidden drawer falls out. It's very old. I look in it. I see a spider. I quickly take the drawer to a sink and turn on the water to drown the spider. It changes into a miniature man. I am still trying to drown it. I almost succeed. He looks quite blue. I try to swish him. He avoids me and rolls on a log. I stop trying to kill him. I say to him, "This is 1981." I say the # slowly because I want to trick him into showing surprise if he is very old. He does. I expect him to tell me he's 1800's, but he says somewhere in the 6th to the 10th century. He changes into a light bulb and rolls all over me like something with static electricity. He says, "You'll never get rid of the light now. I'll be with you everywhere you go." I feel pleased and also aware that it will take an understanding man to have a relationship with, he'll have to tolerate my "light." I take off a pair of fancy hose. I talking to a man named Jim, who thinks I'm great even with my light. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1ANI, 1MKA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0363 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-19 | F | YA | I'm at a Sunday night church gathering. I'm thinking, "I haven't done this in years." It's crowded. A drunk man next to me whispers, "Reproductive organs." I good naturedly tell him to shut up. I see a big sign that says "Brothers, Jesus..." Later someone, a male, says he has to take part of my reproductive system out. I just play with my nipples and enjoy it, i.e. I have an orgasm. I look at him and say, "I can't do that. I would feel embarrassed that I would have to go to orgasm with people watching." A girl whispers, "You can do it." | 1MSA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1FSA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0364 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-21 | F | YA | I'm in a school room like in Jr. high. I'm sitting at a desk. A man sits on my right. I am trying to sell a trumpet. It's very short and has no "slide." The man and I talk about how this one is harder to play and older than most trumpets. I don't want to give it up. I go to the door of the classroom to see if Muffin Cat is around. I come back to my desk. Someone else is sitting there, another man. I know him. I walk up behind him and massage his shoulders. Larry R is sitting to my left. He is whiny and asks my assistance. He's holding a round glass that has a "face" drawn on it, like on the Kool-aid pitcher. He wants me to place his fingers so that it is in the place where the mouth is drawn. I do so. I'm annoyed at him. I chat with the 2 men. I like them. They like me. | 1MSA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1MKA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0365 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-21 | F | YA | Something about traveling in India. I see 3 photographs, one is of me. A light shines behind mine. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0366 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-21 | F | YA | Ginny walks up to me. She says, "Well, how about it? You and I have been this way for 41 years now. Are we going to admit it?" I shake my head no and then feel embarrassed for her, because she had brought up the sensitive issue of sexual feelings and I turned her down. I smile at her gently to convey that I still like her and I won't leave her because she has brought it up. | 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0367 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-22 | F | YA | I had 2 dreams that I don't remember any images of. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0368 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-22 | F | YA | A St. Bernard. He and I are lying together cuddling. He's being very tender and protective. I felt a slight concern that this not turn sexual. | 1ANI | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0369 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-22 | F | YA | I'm the captain of a ship and I have a crew, a man and a woman. We are going to display the ship. I find a place to moor it in this huge building. It used to be a stove. There is snow on the sidewalk to the indented place I have the ship. I tell my crew to remove the snow so people can walk there with ease. Then I see there's no water where I have the ship and the space is only 2 or 3 feet deep. I am concerned that the ship won't stay upright, so I order water in. It comes rushing in. Then I order the trailer with a wheel off the bottom of the ship. It goes away. I feel very buoyed up by the water. It's like riding a balloon. I'm then in consultation with 2 of my crew. One has invented a captain's chair that moves through the air at any angle with ease. He's going to demonstrate it and lecture about it. Then I see some cats. I greet them affectionately. They are mine. I had been around when they were born. I then see 3 black and white half-grown cats. I call them to me. I want to get to know them because I had been gone when they were born. We start to make friends but they are shy. A robust older man, who reminds me of the St. Bernard, comes over. He's worked out a captain's chair also. He shows me his plans. He has an ornate set of directions with it, like a crossword puzzle combined with a jigsaw puzzle. He sees the black and white cats and greets them lovingly. He calls them "my darlings." He says, "Have you met them yet?" I say, "I'm in the process of meeting them." I feel a little jealous of his good relationship with them. He is interested in the fact that my crew has also invented a chair. I call my crew member over. He's obstinate, proud, and only partially clothed. He displays the chair like he's a male model, somewhat cold. Then I decide the chair has some "bugs" in the design and needs working on. I then am discussing the use of balloons as condoms. I see lots of people blowing up balloons to put in the vagina. I feel nervous because I can't figure out how that would prevent pregnancy and I've told people that the balloon works. I then realize that the balloon needs to be on the penis. Then I have 2 worries: l.) Balloons are not very sturdy and might break. Real condoms are made for that purpose, and 2.) The opening of a balloon is small and might be painful for the man. A man shows me a how wide the balloon opening stretches so I feel relieved about that. I realize that many people now have the balloons. I sold them to people and I'm worried that I might have given them a bad product. One woman shrugs and says, "Well, we'll know if it works in about 5 months." I feel badly because by then, it would be too late to correct anything. | 2MOA, 1FOA, 2ANI, 1MSA, 1ANI | AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0370 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-23 | F | YA | I am crying. I'm in an apartment. I am talking to my counselor. He is very sympathetic. As we talk, I feel sad because I want him to be my friend, not just my counselor. I think I'm very sad about Howard and other relationships. Anyway, the counselor (who looks like Dr. X), tells me he's married. Then he shows me pictures of some friends of his. Blake is one. I exclaim, "Oh! I know him." Them I see a picture of Darryl. I am amazed. I ask, "Is he your friend too? I know him well. He and I were going to be married, only I married Howard." Dr. X says, "Oh! Darryl is my boss." I exclaim, "Your boss! What does he do?" "Oh," says Dr. X, "he fixes cars and he's very good. He fixes foreign cars." I am amazed and have pleasant nostalgia feelings about Darryl and I feel sad because I've lost him. Then a woman comes in. She's crying. She's Dr. X's friend. She has terminal cancer. She has come in to help me understand. She says, "It's a good thing Dr. X is single so they can be friends." It's l:30 a.m. My mother calls. She says that the doctors say Aunt Charlotte is going to have a "specific exam." "What can that mean?" She doesn't like it. I say, "Well, of course she'll have a specific exam if she's got cancer." My mother says, "Shut up," and hangs up on me. I feel badly for 2 reasons. I said the word cancer in front of this lady who is dying of it, and I was too open, non-caring and insensitive with my mother. I hurt her feelings and wasn't helpful. The woman cries. There's now another woman and a daughter, maybe 13 years old or so. Dr. X assists her to calm down. I am sitting on a cot. The woman lays down on the cot and Dr. X starts undressing her. He talks soothingly as he takes off her corset and girdle and other layers of underwear. She lays there crying slightly. The 13 year old takes off her clothes and lays down beside the woman. The girl pinches her pretty young half-grown breast. Her mom takes her hand away and says, "You did it too deep." Dr.X says, "See, it's like this." He palpates the woman's breast, looking for bumps. "I don't feel one here," he says. I see scars and wrinkles on the woman's body. I get up to leave. I want to stay but I must go home to see if my mother's alright. I still feel badly about my insensitivity. I get in the car and drive. I get lost. I'm tired and sleepy. I realize that I'm running away from the warm and sexy feelings back at the apartment. I accidentally turn onto a railroad track. A train is coming up behind me. I duck off the tracks, just in time. An older man looks at me. I say, "Guess I took the wrong turn." He shrugs. I ask, "What do you think my chances are to go back the way I came?" He said, "Late at night they don't come as often, so you might make it." Then he asks if I think my car can make it up the hilly pasture. I decide to try it, feeling unsure. I feel an urgency to get back to the apartment. I berate myself for leaving. It's just like me to run from a good thing. I go back. Dr. X is still there. I take off my clothes and get in bed with him. He says, "You left before we could explain that what we did was a demonstration of a man being a friend to a woman." I want to make love to him. He's all skinny and shivering from the cold. He looks blue or greenish and clutches the covers around him. I grab him and at first it appears that I'm trying to put his whole body in my vagina, head first. I'm saying, "Get in there." I then see that I'm trying to help him back in bed as he's slipped out. He has a comic look of dismay on his face. I feel angry. Then Dr. X leaves. I've discovered that he's not really a counselor but an excellent con artist who is good enough to be a counselor but does it for kicks. He hears crying in a room as he passes. He peeks in. A fat woman is crying. There are 4 women nearly naked. Dr. X (now looks like Peter O'Toole), looks interested in the situation. He very soothingly goes to the women and starts counseling them. As he subtly gains their confidence, he edges into the bed with them and lays his head on the pillow which is the huge bra of the fat woman. He smiles like a Cheshire cat. His arms are behind his head and one knee is crossed over the other, very relaxed and happy. The women cry out that a man had offered to make love to them and they'd just found out he was a fairy. Now they won't be able to have babies, which is why they were going to all this work of making love. He was "balling them blind" and he lied! They've been had and used. Dr. X smiles because he's got the answer and he'll love every minute of it. | 1MKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FOA, 1FSA, 1FOA | CO D, SD D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0371 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-24 | F | YA | I am angry at Terence because I asked him to get something for me and he teased me. I glare at him and don't talk to him. He says, "Come over here with me." I refuse. He picks me up. He says with a grin, "You'll get over it. We're pre-ordained to be married." I am angry and say, "Not ever!" He takes me into a hall with a series of doors and we get to a room. A "recording" of some kind speaks of the future and says Terence and I will be married. I refuse to speak to Terence and he laughs because he knows that all he has to do is wait. Then someone's after us. We go into the men's room to hide. I sit up on the edge of the toilet with my feet up and head down, coiled. Terence stands, leaning over me so no one sees me. Men come in. At first, I'm worried and then I figure, "Well, I guess I haven't anything to worry about because of the future already predicted." Terence goes out. I have to wait. As I wait, a man sits in the next stall and starts chatting with me. I answer back in grunts and single syllable words in as low a voice as I can manage. At one point, I have to talk a full sentence. He looks over suspiciously. He says, "Hey, you talk like a man but you're wearing women's dress. I think fast and say, "Boy, you should have been at the party last night. I just woke up here, dressed like this!" He accepts that. Some other man is bringing a father and his son together in another stall. | 1MKA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1MSA | AN D, AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0372 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-25 | F | YA | I'm a wealthy older woman. I run an adoption agency/hospital. Right off my fancy bedroom is a huge hospital ward. People come to me carrying little babies that were just born. I inspect them and decide what's to be done with them. There are lots of people that are always around me. I have a baseball team. They come over for a dinner. One player is very good-looking, young and sexy. He is also very aloof. He can have anyone he wants and he knows it. I guess he's spoiled. I am attracted to him. I watch him. He watches me. I decide to drive him home after dinner. I do so. There is sexual tension and antagonism between us. We verbally tease each other. We get to his place. There are young women there, waiting for him. I realize I'm too old for him and I hesitate. I then decide I want him and decide to risk being rejected or laughed at by him. I walk to my car. He runs after me. I say, "Leave me alone." He grabs my keys. I try to lock the doors. He pulls the locks up. Finally, I look up at him and smile and he gets into the car. I drive him to my place. We go in. A woman is laying in my bed. She's visiting someone, so the guy and I are going to find someplace else. Then a young woman that works for me is there. I watch her. She is given a new born baby to inspect. She looks it over. It looks fine. It's very pretty baby girl. She looks at the chart. She reads off things, then she sees a word, "amphetamines" or "antihistamines." I'm not sure which. She figures, "Uh oh, that's bad but maybe it's not too bad. Maybe the baby can be kept." I walk up and look at the baby and the chart. I point to the word and say, "This baby has a heart condition and can't be kept. The other woman is very sad. As I hold the baby, it starts to turn blue and distorts its body. It is dying of a heart attack. I feel pretty matter-of-fact. The other woman feels very sad. Now I am the visiting women in the bed. I'm trying to sleep and lots of people walk through. I try to ignore them. An older man walks by (he's married to the older woman/me). He looks at me in the bed, waves in a cheerful, friendly manner and says, "Hey, XXX, how's it going?" I think to myself, "Boy, that's pretty tolerant for a husband to be so friendly to a guy in his wife's bed. The husband even called him 'son' and meant that he loved him like a son." | 2JSC, 2JSA, 1MOA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1ISC, 1FSA | SD 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0373 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-25 | F | YA | I'm at the house in M City. My father is having guests from India. They come and set up a "circus tent" like awnings on the lawn. I am invited to take my father's place on an elephant hunt. I laugh and say, "Elephants? Here in M City?" The Indian person says, "Oh, yes. There are some." I'm given a light-weight rifle, maybe a .22. This boisterous military-like guy flirts with me and wants me to be on his jeep. I choose not to. I get on another jeep. There is some kind of racial or cultural unrest. The white people are staring at the Indians and are quite sure they are inferior. I feel fine about the Indians and chide the white people and feel embarrassed when the Indians hear it. Now the whole thing turns into a play. I'm on stage doing a comedic dance. The story is that this man and this woman go to the Philippines to get married. On the day of their wedding, they go sunning on the beach and get a terrible sun burn, so when they dance, they move very stiltedly being careful not to touch anything. The audience laughs at our funny dance. At the end of it, we walk "nearly arm-in-arm," only not touching, down the stairs into the audience. I'm wearing a white 2 piece bathing suit. Then I quickly run back stage to change for the marriage scene. I wear a beautiful wedding dress and veil. The joke is that we're still sun burned, so it won't be much fun on the wedding night. There is an elaborate dance scene where the white people in groups would watch a "phillipine" do something (like hold a job, bake a cake, etc.) and cry out in unison the questions, "A phillippine???" I danced around trying to shut them up. One group of women were shocked that a woman "philippine" could do what she did. The next sequence, I'm standing off stage singing an intro for a guy who'll play the piano in the audience. I sing and then someone hits the piano note I should be on. I was down one key. I feel a quick flash of embarrassment but continue. The piano guy really flubs up. He forgets his words, and he's near tears. He then tries valiantly to be cool about it. I coach him from off-stage. He follows my lead. Then he asks me to come sit by him and sing for him. I go there but only sing in a whisper so he can hear the words and then can sing them. He does so. Then I'm playing the part of a villain who wraps up a paper package with a straight pin with a colored round pin head on it stuck in the package. That pin was the fuse for the bomb. When the guy shut the piano top so he could drive his "jeep" around, it would strike the pin and then blow up. I crept about obviously and the audience loved it. The piano guy isn't too happy as he is getting blown up. I realize the play is reaching its finale and I was disappointed that I'd have to take my curtain call in the unflattering guise of a spy and villain instead of the lovely bride. | 1MKA, 1MEA, 2JSA, 1FEA, 2JSA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1MSA | AP D, CO 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0374 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-26 | F | YA | I'm walking down a school hallway. I'm talking with some student associates. I'm getting ready to teach a career planning class. I start looking for a bathroom. I can't find one. I see a person (male), in a wheelchair. He's asking for some assistance. The person he's asking is also in a wheelchair, but not as bad off. I am cheerful. I say, "Can I help?" I go over and adjust his legs on to the foot petals. I ask him if there's any thing more he needs. He's shy and seems to need something but I don't understand. I fuss about for awhile. Then I go looking for a bathroom. The way to it is blocked, so I decide to go to my class. I walk in on Jolene's class. Then I find my own class room. Everyone is working very hard and industriously. I look on the blackboard. Written up there are the daily assignments. I see a calculator-like device with finger holds like a telephone and a "letter reader" device. The front flap folds up over the letters and you can see through the slots. I compliment the class on how well they've been studying unsupervised. I apologize for being a few weeks late. They smile happily at the compliment. I sit on a table in the middle, right of the room. A voice is heard. "Sam," it said. A woman student says "Who else wants to bet it's Henry?" I am pleased that the class is so on the ball. Then a scene unfolds like a film. Black women are somehow scary, or wrongfully accused, or something. I decide to drive my VW Bus out of the class room. I'm concerned about blocking the view of the film for students but I do it anyway. I'm concerned about not making the sharp corners to get out of the room. | 2JOA, 1MSA, 2JKA, 1FKA, 2FOA | HA D, AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0375 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-26 | F | YA | Something about Lee (from Uni house) and lots of objects in a river/bathtub. The water is being let out so these important objects can be looked at and then the water rises again. | 1MKA, 2ISA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0376 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-27 | F | YA | I'm in an old fashioned house, thinking I need a roommate to meet expenses. My mother and a guy come in to be roommates. I remember this guy. I don't trust him. As we prepare to lie down to sleep, I keep one eye open on him. He tweaks me a couple of times. I decide to throw him out like Muffin Cat when he's bad. I put him out on a tree limb. The guy doesn't like that. I test him. "No problem, just be invisible." He's not convinced. I decide I want a washing machine. I check the basement and see 2 of them. We comment, "How nice. Now we can get all those towels done." It's time for the guy (now Bill Cosby), to go play in a basketball game. He's nervous. I tell him not to worry. "Just stay invisible." As we're driving to the gym, the guy as a joke brings me a card that indicates a general is wanted by the police because she's moving when she has a parking permit. I laugh at the joke. We get to the gym. Bill Cosby is nervous. He needs to put his head in a wooden frame that looks like a basketball holder. Some big guy has the table with the holders on it. I tell Bill to be invisible. Bill does, and then he puts his head in a holder on another table and turns and twists around. The guy, I'm near him and watching, sees the holder thump around and his eyes get wide and he's scared. I laugh at his fear of "spooks." I watch Bill go out on the floor. I try to sneak away unseen but the announcer, an older man, sees me and calls me to the microphone. I hope my mother doesn't find out. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MOA, 1MOA | AP 1MKA, AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0377 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-27 | F | YA | A series of images. A 1950's dress. This house, 1950's, negative. Fear. | 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0378 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-27 | F | YA | A play. Stan has asked me to recreate my role. "This time play it for real, and use a more realistic voice." I don't like playing an older, mature woman. I'm amazed that Stan wants me in his play. In the play, I see two guys that love each other. One guy has golden curls and he's called "Betty girl". | 1MKA, 1MSA, 1MSA | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0379 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-27 | F | YA | Blake stands facing me. There are paper clips and lights on strings between us. As Blake moves, a force pushes the metal things. I must run. I get into a black race car and drive rapidly away. I am running from Blake. He's following. I'm on a freeway that spirals and turns this way and that. I keep choosing roads that curve to the left because that takes me away from Blake. I get out into the country and find a special retreat of mine, a friend's house. I drive my car in and hide the car in a basement hall. I run up stairs to check the doors to see that they are locked. Safety pins are the locks. The house appears deserted. Old fashioned furniture, very few pieces and old lace curtains. Fallen leaves are all over the yard. I go back downstairs and check the doors and windows. A black out curtain is over the windows. I feel Blake outside. I sit very quietly. 2 other young women are there. One makes some noise that draws Blake's attention. I try to stop her. I explain that he's dangerous. | 1MKA, 2FSA, 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0380 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-28 | F | YA | Image. "Alone." "California." I'm tired of being alone. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0381 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-28 | F | YA | An ocean. Thirstiness. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0382 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-28 | F | YA | I am weaving. I'm in the woods. One pattern is a plaid. Lots of white yarn, lots of green yarn and a few red strings of yarn are drawn through. The second pattern is more swirling and moves quickly. There's lots of green. I weave a beautiful dress. I am a witch that lives in this distant forest. A man, a prince, comes to me. I see that he is wounded. He wears a bandage around his left upper thigh. Something about the man reminds me of Howard. I give him something to drink and say, "Here, let me look to that wound." He doesn't want me to help him. I start taking the bandage off. I unwind it many times. I find a square gauze patch on the back of his leg. Then I see transparent tape running down his leg to his knee. I say, "Here, I'll take this tape off." He says, "Can't you leave me any pride?" I smile at his stubbornness. | 5MSA, 1MPA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0383 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-29 | F | YA | Arthur and I got back together. We were lying in bed talking and caressing, feeling close. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0384 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-29 | F | YA | Rosemary comes back to town. She walks in and sits on a couch. I sit next to her. She says, "Where were you? Why didn't you meet me? I waited for over an hour and then had to find a way here." I apologize and say, "I thought you still had your car and would meet me here." I feel slightly guilty for not thinking more about her situation, as she got left in a bind. She leans back and says, "Oh! I've been to a Jungian conference for 5 days. I'm exhausted. It's like learning a new language." Another woman comes up and chats. I explain to her why Rosemary's so tired. | 1FKA, 1FSA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0385 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-29 | F | YA | I'm rehearsing a funny play or skit. Some security officers are in it with me. Some woman complains because I always seem to be in the security office and questions this. We obviously explain that we're working. We get a phone call from a girl "Tammy." She's threatening and playing games with us. We're a little caught in the game. She'll scream over the phone and be silent. We know she's playing a game but we have to go check it out anyway just in case. We sigh and feel frustrated. | 2MOA, 1FSA, 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0386 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-29 | F | YA | I'm in an office. My typewriter and adding machine aren't working correctly. I hit a button and it compulsively, mechanically repeats itself. I take the ailing machines to be fixed. Someone says, "The adding machine is fine and the typewriter will work most of the time." Some students come in. It's the end of the term and they're late with their papers. I realize that I am too. Andrea is also. We're at a meeting to discuss the lateness of the papers and if it will be accepted. A prim and proper female supervisor presides over the meeting. As she drones on, Andrea and I whisper. Andrea says she doesn't want to be here. She's bored; she has more important things to do. I agree. The disapproving supervisor asks what was said. I blithely say, "Oh, we were just saying how we don't want to be here." She frowns and I vaguely realize that she could take that remark in a negative way; I am just being honest and open about my feelings. I shrug my shoulders. Andrea and I whisper some more. I want to talk to Andrea but I don't want any more disapproval from the supervisor. I suggest to Andrea that we talk about it at another time. She suggests Tuesday. I say, "Today?" She says, "No, next week. Isn't next week O.K.?" I had told her this week, but I agreed that next Tuesday would be fine. I say, "I'll get something to sit on." "No," she says, "I'll get one for you." I misunderstand her word, something about "tarrer." It's a foam pad to lay on at the beach, so I don't hurt. The students, one female, one male (Mark H) are in the background. The girl is looking at birds and trying to name them. Mark H says, "I've got a new place to stay now." We see it as if a movie camera is mounted on a helicopter. At first, we are impressed. There are so many lovely windows and so large, very handsome. Then at a closer look, there's tar paper where the windows are. | 1ISA, 2JOA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0387 | 1960-1997 | 1981-03-30 | F | YA | I'm in my wheelchair. A male instructor comes up to me and asks if I've been to the late evening sessions behind the stage. I say, "Not yet but I've heard they are interesting." He mentions one coming up, "Issack" or something. I say, "O.K., great! I'll be there." He leaves, all smiles. I'm sitting on the left hand corner in the back of an audience waiting for the show to start. Rosemary is behind me. She has 2 women friends with her. She's being very bossy. She'd see a situation and tell people what they need to do and where they need to sit, etc. I'm embarrassed. As the show starts, she moves away from me, like she's embarrassed for me. The show is set up like a three-ring circus. We applaud when they set up drums near our side. "Oh good," I say, "now I can see. I was worried." I say, "Oh! Are those the drums? They are huge!" They're so big, the performers sit in them. Many performers come out, a huge black man, and a huge black woman with 6 breasts. The "star," a young man with dark hair says, "Now there's a woman! Hey, big mama!" I am amazed. 2 older white guys sit down to sing an old folk tune. A woman sitting on my right sings with them. They sing very softly so they can assist her to sing. She's embarrassed and can't remember all the words. I'm a little envious. I'd like to sing too but I don't know the song. The performers throw gifts out to the audience. I catch a bunch of small Hershey bars. I pass them out to others, Rosemary, my "daughter," and others. Then I catch some spearmint gum and pass them out, keeping one for myself. I've become the contact person in my area of the audience. I look in my purse and separate all my little presents into one section. I have necklace chains that have static electricity in them, little earrings, one shaped like false teeth, little costume jewelry pins, candy canes and some other stuff. A young black boy hands out an outfit for a 13 month old baby. I hold it up to my daughter. "Will it fit?" She says, "I think it will." I question it. I decide it doesn't and give it back to the boy. He says, "Hang it on the Xmas tree and someone else will want it." I feel like I'd like to keep it but that it wouldn't be fair to others. I think about having a garage sale and selling the things I don't want to keep. | 1MOA, 1FKA, 2FSA, 1MSA, 2MSA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA | AP D, CO D, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0388 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-01 | F | YA | I am walking across a busy city street. A man starts talking. We enjoy talking. He comes home with me. Muffin Cat goes around releasing emotional outbursts. Cousin Willie has negotiated to work more hours so he and his wife can afford a house. At first, I don't think he's put on too much extra, but I figure up the hours and see that he'll work 10 hours more a week. 5 weeks a month. I'm now on a street corner saying goodbye to my friend. We keep saying goodbye and then not leaving. We say, "Oh, we had such a nice time, thanks." He mentions the name of a friend of his in NYC, Rizzo's. He spells his name for me. I write it down incorrectly, Terano. I get the T in the wrong place and then I spell it twice. It's all a last minute notion, to get his name. I think, "Oh. It might be a good idea after all. I might be pregnant and I need to get hold of him." Then I remember that I couldn't be pregnant, we didn't make love. Finally I say, "Goodbye," and turn and walk away. I start to cross a street. A blonde, pretty woman in a fancy silver grey car is part way into the intersection. I think about walking around her and then the light changes to green and she drives on. It's a corner in M City. I decide not to cross the street. I walk down the street. On the left is a store front. It's a cop station. I see 4 or 5 cops (male), standing around. I casually look in as I walk by and I'm stunned to see a picture of my friend as a newspaper headline, "Wallton Returns." There is a picture of him running amuck with his clothes ripped in shreds, down to the street. I feel shock and a little fear. I spent the night with him! But, he was friendly! Maybe he'll come back and be dangerous. | 1MSA, 1ANI, 1MKA, 1FSA, 2MOA | CO D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0389 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-03 | F | YA | I'm at an audition. There are lots of people. There are 6 or 7 professional actors/actresses on a list and a lot of "hopefuls." I'm on the list, at the top of the list. They weren't sure of my name so they spelled it Sanders, Saunders, Pepper. I came in and sat down. I am told to rate the performance of the actors/actresses. I see. I do so. One guy, I think his name is Peter (Brook or Brown, wearing glasses like XXX), does an excellent scene. As he finishes, the director says, "You have the part." There is some confusion because a woman had done an excellent scene and they mixed him up with her/or he was her or something. Anyway, he sits down behind me, grinning. I say, "That's very good." He shrugs and says, "Oh. I'm a professional actor. I get paid. I'm just doing this for fun. Maybe it's not fair to other (amateurs)." I then notice that they haven't called my name. The male director is giving instructions to the amateurs, to get into groups, to be in the group for the character you're interested in. I think about calling myself to the director's attention but decide not to. I assume that it's because I walked in on crutches. I get up and look for a group. I start to get into a big group when I hear someone call my name. It's Mabel. She and one other woman are in a group to audition for "Sally." I join them. We walk. Mabel is nervous. Then we have to go back to our original seats until we're called. I'm slightly annoyed because it's a long way to walk. Rachel's in the front row and I'm mid-way back, on opposite sides. I go back and 3 women are in my seat. They are crowded around the professional actor. I am annoyed. Peter and a woman get into a fight, verbally. I think he just tells her to leave, arrogantly. I get very angry at him and tell him off. He laughs and baits me. I'm ready to fist fight him but I don't want to. He's laughing at me, egging me on, looking superior. I'm very angry. He puts his hands over his crotch and dares me to hit it. Then he puts his hands over his nose and dares me to hit it. I see the baiting and I don't fall into the trap. I beat on him. I'm good enough to make the attention of the director. He's interested in me now. I feel strong because I didn't back down, and I didn't have to use my crutches. I was apparently eloquent. The director then starts the auditioning and I sit down. I see it's the "Sally's" turn, so I get up and walk to the front. Mabel is doing her audition. She's speaking softly. A woman assistant director says to another assistant, "Oh, she's so young and pretty and has a good, loud voice that carries. I like her!" Then it's my turn and I stand there with a script book (everyone else has it memorized). She (the woman assistant director) says, "Oh wait, why are you auditioning for this character?" I say, "Well, frankly, I've not read the play. I'm doing a cold reading and I don't know the characters. I just chose a group that looked like me and I knew Mabel. The 2 women assistant directors grimace at each other but tolerate my lack of professional preparedness. I say, "I'll read anything you suggest." They say, "Oh, read 'Art Brown and Brown Licks Cat'." I am delighted when I find the part (on Page 92, the last page), because it's a woman who thinks she's a cat. It will be a fun part to play. I begin. I speak loudly and confidently. I'm good. | 2JSA, 1MOA, 2JSA, 1FKA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 2FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0390 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-04 | F | YA | Tony W wants me to help him take a test. I must hold pictures up for him and ask him questions. It's called the "XXX far-sighted test." It's going to help him with his relationship with his wife Nancy S. George wants me to help him with something too. They both want me to do it at the same time. I have to tell one of them I can't, Tony, I think. Nancy S asks about the test. When I tell her the name she says, "It's not far-sighted." I lean over to her (a little annoyed) and say, "It's far. The pictures are very simplistic and black and white. You'll be able to see them. They lack detail." Something about cheese. [BL] | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA | AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0391 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-04 | F | YA | I'm swimming in a pool. I'm swimming very well, on the surface of the water. I see an object at the bottom of 9' well. I think about diving for it but decide not to. I know I can do it, but I'm afraid and decide not to. | null | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0392 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-05 | F | YA | My mother, my father and I are in a large van going to California. My mother is sitting on a tall stool chair. She slides it back to lean on the wall of the van so she won't tip over. | 1FKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0393 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-05 | F | YA | In a house. I'm still married to Howard. Lots of cats are on the front porch. They've broken a screen so they can go in and out as they wish. I think, "My what a lot of cats." Someone asks if I put their food out where they can get it. I comment that they can come in and get it any time they want. The girls come up to me and tell me Howard is dead. I say, "No he's not, he's asleep." I look out to the back yard. He's sleeping in a lawn chair. I am embarrassed that the girls said that in front of the neighbors and I am sort of hoping it's true. Then I feel badly about hoping he's dead. I think, "Why are we still in the same house? The marriage has been dead for years." Lots of things. I'm cleaning up the kitchen. A poster with the 4 basic groups of food is written on it, in my handwriting. I think about throwing it away because I know that so well, but I just can't. Somehow, I may forget and need to be reminded. I straighten out my jewelry. My wedding rings are there. | 1MKA, 2ANI, 1ISA, 2FKA, 3MKA | AP D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0394 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-06 | F | YA | I'm in the Navy and I'm cheating. I write up my ticket incorrectly so I get more than I'm supposed to. I write up a deal worth $25.00. I get caught. I lie to the woman who has suspicions about me. George meets me and commiserates with me about the unfairness of being caught. We travel on. | 1FSA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0395 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-06 | F | YA | Now I'm a mobil oil gas station owner. I'm putting gas into a tank. I realize that my numbers in my pump don't register so I can't prove how much gas I give this person. I explain the situation to the owner of the pickup and ask him how much his tank takes. He looks suspiciously at me, then says, "48 gallons." I write it up. Then I call up a special trouble shooter number 00-XXX, to report the situation. I'm in Alabama and I own a gas station, motel and swimming pool and I live on the premises. Behind my beat up greasy place is a huge empty acreage with weeds. I look it over with an eye to expansion. The pool is empty and is a mere wading pool. I change it to a different place and larger. | 1MSA, 1MOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0396 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-07 | F | YA | I had been away doing something. I come back to my house. My husband, Burt Lancaster, is entertaining guests. I try to get his attention. I want to be kissed and hugged. He's very busy. I go into the bathroom to take a bath. I sit in the tub; I have a blouse on. Muffin Cat twice leaps on the tub and goes completely underwater. I see him under there, all curled up with his eyes shut. I pull him out and pet him and laugh. I look at our guests and explain, "How strange! Cats never just jump into water! I don't understand it." The guests are rather distant and formal. I notice that the door to the living room is open and I see 5 play mice and 5 real, dead mice under a chair. I think, "Ugh!" I get out of the tub. I follow my husband into the kitchen. He's fixing something to eat. He makes a comment, something about what a good cook he's getting to be, with me gone so much. I want to hug and kiss him. I feel sexually aroused. I try to but he keeps slipping away. He's busy doing stuff. I say, "Please come here. I want to hold you." He comes over and says, "What do you want from me?" He's aroused, and he rubs his hardened penis against me, like to show me he is aroused and attracted by me and to appease my sexual appetite until the guests are gone. I feel slight resentment because I don't just want to be bumped against. I want to be held. I want him to be less distant! | 1MKA, 2JSA, 1ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0397 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-08 | F | YA | I see a puff of smoke rise and I'm aware that it is radioactive dust. I go look for cover. I'm skiing down a jump. It costs $5 each time. You have to have paired tickets. The ticket lady tells me I must have dual tickets. I have several in my purse so she lets me ski. I'm a beginner. I have to put in a diaphragm before each ski jump. I am tired of doing that and wonder why I have to do that! Some tough man, like a J.D., bothers me. I have to be tough back. He respects that. I'm very tired. I am led to his room. I lay down on a sleeping bag. I think, "This won't work, being in his room. He'll come in and disturb me." I am really tired. | 1FOA, 1MOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0398 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-08 | F | YA | I'm in M City. There are lots of people. I'm going down the main street. Store fronts are built up, with cameras etc. Some big event is on the verge of happening. I ask, "Why? What's going to happen?" There's a cross street. People are lined up on both sides. I am wondering which street the parade will go down. I think that maybe it will turn left because more people are there and it's a newer street, but I then see that it curves back on itself and that the parade will go straight up main street. I see a woman. I tell her, "I've moved to a new house." It's near her. She's delighted and wants to give me cookies and cakes and have a party and such. I say, "Oh yes, that's nice," but then realize I don't want to eat cookies and cakes. I'm going to the house. It's the old T City house, sort of. It's beat up and wooden. There's a pasture with a cliff to walk across. I wonder if I'll see my old boyfriend. I see his brother Max. I pick up a cat. We're going back to look at something nostalgic. I put the cat down. A white tiger walks up to me. I'm a little scared and excited and in awe. I say, "Who are you?" He says, "I'm Tigger, I'm you." I ask Max if I'll see his brother. He sadly shakes his head and shows me a newsletter with a farewell letter from "Dwight." He's dead. I'll never see him again. I feel sad. The letter is confusing. It says, "If I had tomorrow, I would enjoy today." | 2JSA, 1FSA, 1MKA, 1ANI, 3MKA | AP D, CO D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0399 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-10 | F | YA | Something about Howard. It was time to deal with him. Someone was packing my photographic equipment across a stream on a wagon. It slipped and fell in. They decided to save it. I looked and noticed it was deep enough that I'd have to get my face underwater, but that it was possible. I asked someone to help. I went in there myself, it was shallower then, and I retrieved my diary and dream books and other things. A group of men who had joined the army were going to help me move. I was very angry at them. One man and I talked it out some, but I just yelled in rage at the others. The one layed his sleeping bag near me on the beach. | 1MKA, 1ISA, 2MOA, 1MSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0400 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-11 | F | YA | Going to the beach. I'm walking through a large building to get to it. Howard is taking care of the baby. I feel guilty as I walk away to go to the beach and enjoy myself. I see an old player piano and want to show it to co-worker Josh, but it has no piano rolls to put in. I'm disappointed. There is a "player guitar." I play it. It has pretty music. I walk over and around lots of things to get to the side door to go out. I get lost in the corridors. I have shop lifted a couple of kitchen items, a potato peeler, and a salt shaker my daughter Dovre made. I feel embarrassed. I hope I don't get caught. I wonder why I did it?! A woman employee in a blue shop clerk jacket walks by and I hide the items. I look for directions. I see a sign that says "beds, l hotels go to heaven." I go out to the beach. I step over a stove (kitchen), that has an oil painting on it. I stand near the ocean. I see Dovre and Ellie playing in the waves. They are older, more developed physically. I envy their pretty young breasts. I put Paulina (maybe 2 or 3 years old), on my shoulders "like a dad would" and walk out. The water is shallow for a long way. Paulina wants to go out further. I look up and see a big wave coming. I turn and walk back hurriedly, explaining to the girls that we are in danger from the delayed wave that is so big. We make it back in time. [BL] | 1MKA, 1IKC, 1FKA, 1FOA, 2FKA, 1FKC | AP D, AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0401 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-11 | F | YA | Someone is helping me cook breakfast. The racks are difficult to adjust. Lots of food is being cooked, an abundance. Ginny's kids' breakfast is on the first shelf and 2 blankets insulate it so that the food on the lower shelves isn't getting cooked. I realize that George hasn't any breakfast. I offer to fix some for him. I poach some eggs for him. Ginny helps me get the eggs out and she breaks one or two. I finally get to eat my breakfast. Someone says finally, "You get to eat. How is it?" I say, "It's fine." I have a sense that I'm packing to move somewhere. | 1ISA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1ISA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0402 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-11 | F | YA | Somebody wore her mother's wedding gown. | 1ISA, 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0403 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-11 | F | YA | I'm going down streets like in M City. Now I'm in corridors of a school campus. I must choose to turn right or left. A cage or screen is blocking any forward movement. I turn left and go around a block. I look for a radio station, and ask directions at the performing arts theatre musicians. | 2IOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0404 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-13 | F | YA | Co-workers Tyler, Juliet, and I are playing music together. I'm playing a banjo. We take turns playing lead and back up. It's good team work. | 2MKA, 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0405 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-13 | F | YA | I'm in a bus with other people, mostly women. One woman says, "Let's go live at the Kendell." I said, "Oh, I've lived there before. I guess it would be O.K. as long as I don't have to live on the 4th floor. People who apply late usually get the 4th floor, but if there's an elevator, then it would be O.K." My friend then goes to the center of the bus and announces that I will play a song. I'm embarrassed. I get in front of everyone and need to readjust my instrument. I glue some cardboard together and cut some down to size. I use cottage cheese as a glue. I hide my work from the audience because they will have to guess the answer to the game. Then I try to play my banjo. It doesn't sound right. Finally, I notice that the cap is on incorrectly and the instrument is backwards and looks like a guitar. I look reprovingly at my friend and tell her she put the 4 on backwards for the caps. I fix it and then I can play the banjo. [BL] | 2FSA, 1FSA, 1IKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0406 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-14 | F | YA | This person and myself are being chased by some people. We're on a city street looking for ways to hide. I think that I'll meditate and call upon my guru. I do so. He shows up and whispers, "Hey, over here," and walks away. I follow, looking around for the "bad guys." He then disappears. My friend says, "Oh! What a lovely woman is walking by," and I look to see my guru or I see an invisible nothing. I am quite agitated. I say, "This is all very nice and interesting, but can this magic stuff save our asses and get us out of here before we're hurt?" How are we going to get out of there safely? [BL] | 1ISA, 2MSA, 1MKA, 1FSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0407 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-14 | F | YA | My "brothers" and I are stealing some cattle from some ranchers. I'm in the kitchen, trying to quietly open cans of food. I use an electric can opener and it's very noisy! I get shushed and pull out a little hand one. The Mexican sister of the bad guys hears the noise and sneaks into the kitchen to see what's going on. My brothers are assisting the bad guys not to be suspicious. I am a male. The sister is upset to see me. She feels used. We like each other but here I am stealing from her family. I assure her that I really do like her for herself. She then becomes a male Mexican doctor and I become her. He's going to hide me. We hear the bad guys coming back in. I hide in a closet and put a towel over me. He worries that I'll be stupid and not hide myself well, but I'm very good at it. He and I are talking after the coast is clear and we hear them coming near again. I slide under a shelf and then Bonnie is describing how she wanted to make love to the doctor but it hurt, so she requested he come in from behind. She called it the scrota or the ova. I watch and become sexually excited and ask for Brian's phone number and then I write it down. I'm going to call him up and ask him to make love with me. | 2MKA, 1FEA, 2MSA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA | AP 1MKA, AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0408 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-15 | F | YA | I'm doing dishes. I'm talking with someone. I go into the living room. It's all changed around. I feel disoriented. My mother sure has been industrious! Not only did she move the furniture, but she moved the windows and built in shelves and a fireplace too! I look closely at the windows and try to remember how it was before at grandma Mildred's house. I realize that it is just the furniture that is moved. I see pretty cloth being put up on the windows and new pink lacy curtains. My mother is so impressive, it must hurt her hands and she must get tired but she still keeps doing things to make the place nice. Now there's a meeting. I must take minutes. I write rapidly. Someone's talking to me. I turn to her and say, "Hey! Come on! I'm trying to take minutes here. Leave me alone for awhile." She then does. I'm laying on my tummy on the floor. Tom B is explaining how he's waiting for a teacher to get information to him before he finishes his project. Dickie challenges him and says, "It's your fault. You need to do something first, then the teacher can respond." I get confused on the issues and write it to the best of my abilities. Aunt Elaine comes in. A boy stands behind her. She says, "Are you hiding or are you just trying to keep me warm?" She's pleasant, maternal, and wears a revealing dress. Her daughter Patricia, my cousin, is more primly dressed and standoffish. I look past them at the door and wonder if my mother remodeled their bedroom too (It feels like the S City house there). | 1ISA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0409 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-16 | F | YA | I die. I say good-bye to close people first. It's time. I chose to. I feel very sad. I don't want to but it's necessary. A man, he has a beard, is sad. I linger near him after I die. He cries for me. I feel sad but try to make him feel O.K. about my leaving. | 2JSA, 1MSA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0410 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-16 | F | YA | Someone shot an arrow at a helicopter and it crashed in flames. A narrator said, "Woody sort of threw this thing and it made a noise and kind of hurt it." I thought, "What a cover up! Disgusting." I saw a car with huge baskets on the top of it driving away. I was writing a play. It called for a new character. I got stuck and then inspiration struck and I wrote one in. [BL] | 1ISA, 1ISA, 1ISA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0411 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-17 | F | YA | I'm in the passenger side of a car. A man is drawing. We pick up hitch hikers, a man and a woman. The woman is really talkative. She soon is sitting next to me and chatting away. She has my books under her arm and I'm concerned that she's going to steal them. I watch her closely. We get to a house and go in. It's time to clean up. I ask her to help put away the food. She balks and complains. I don't start work until I see that she has done her share and then I start doing it too. She put lots of things in the wrong place and I correct it. The man watches all this and as I'm washing dishes, he starts to talk to me. He says, "He worked in Louisiana, do you know what that was like?" I said, "Ya, bugs, heat, etc." He tells me about getting malaria. His feet were too short for the first 8 years of his life. | 1MSA, 2JSA, 1FSA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0412 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-17 | F | YA | I'm in a house. Relatives are there too. We're going to go outside to have a tennis game. It's raining very hard, so we decide to stay indoors. Then I notice that the rain has stopped. I go outside. There are lots of puddles, but I see a cement tennis court surface. I look to my right. I see a mother deer and her fawn, except the mother deer has antlers. I call to the family to see the pretty sight. They bolt, but run into the house through a side door. I follow. The family exclaims at how cute they are. They run back out. I go into the side room. I see old furniture and chairs. I realize that there are things left here from the previous owner. I'm delighted; I'll find something wonderful. I look. I find toys in a dresser, children's sized chairs and a child's piano. I also find Sony tape records, very large and lots of buttons, a small color T.V., and beautiful old fashioned dresses, one all black, and some books. I make the books be there because I am disappointed in the "treasure." I notice this room doesn't have an open door to the main house and I wonder how the family saw the deer and then this baby. My "dad" is telling me about how as a young man, he had to climb down a sheer cliff to a beach with the boys to prove his bravery, like each boy had to. He remembered being very afraid, but he did it. I asked him, "What for? What was at the bottom of the cliff?" He says, "A passive beach." I see turbulent ocean waves and wonder why I can't see a passive beach. Then his cousin Seymour is describing his first date with his new wife Dixie. They are "first cousins" and as children, Seymour ran to the car to greet the family and said to her, "Oh! There you are," and walked away together to play. Now I'm in a small room that is a portion of a long line of rooms like a hall way. I'm retarded. I'm brushing my hair. A young man comes into the room. I sense danger from him. He leaves the room. I know he's locking doors so I can't escape. I think to myself, "What will I do? He's going to want to make love to me. I don't have any birth control. I won't make love to him." I feel proud that I think ahead and make a decision. He comes back into the room. He's mean. The mirror I am looking into turns into a space heater, a cage with 3 heating elements and a door on it. I think he snuck in and put a mouse in there to scare me. It'd be a dead mouse by now, because of all the heat. I look, it was all in my head, a fantasy, there is no mouse there. | 2JKA, 1ANI, 2JKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA | HA D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0413 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-18 | F | YA | I am sweet sixteen. A man wants to make love to me, but I don't want to. He follows me. I feel uncomfortable. He says I'm deliberately turning him on. I say, "No, I'm not." He grabs me and starts to rape me. I get very angry and beat the shit out of him. I lose control and hit and hit and hit. He goes away. The women's center decides to assist me even though I've not been technically raped, i.e. because of no actual penetration. I want to be alone but they all crowd into my office. I'm glad I don't have to worry about being pregnant. Now I go to another office. I have a 3 month old baby. The agency comes. A woman takes the baby. It's a happy experience. They give me a newborn, my new charge to love and nurture for 3 months or until it gets adopted. I sadly kiss the older baby goodbye and happily receive the new one. It's sleeping, so I put in on a chair by my desk to sleep. A young man comes to talk. He's quite surprised when I tell him I've had many, many children and then explain that I don't actually birth them. They're from the adoption agency. [BL] | 1MSA, 2FOA, 1FSA, 1MSC, 1FSA, 2JSA | HA D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0414 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-18 | F | YA | I'm driving an old car, my '61 Comet. There are lots of lanes, a freeway. Then there's snow on the ground and I'm on a dirt road. In the snow, I skid and lose control. I realize as I pumped the brakes that I have no control, so I just sit there and steer to a soft as possible "crash" into a bank. I sit there, wondering what I'll do now! A huge dog bounds up and is wagging his tail. I get out to look over the situation. I see I have a flat tire, the left rear tire. I think, "Huh! Another one!" I open the trunk and look in, sleeping bags, wires, and junk. I'm thinking, "Yuck." I'm standing in muddy puddles, and I can't find a tire repair, or spare tire. This is not comfortable. I look around to see if anyone's around that can help me. Then I'm aware that the car is going to blow up. I run for cover. A man is running with me. I run into his house. The car explodes. I wonder, "Now what?!" The man is delighted to meet me. He's heard about me and has wanted to meet me for awhile. I decide to go on. He says to be sure and get acquainted with the natives. That will be good for me. My 2 cats hop up on my shoulders and ride with me. The man is impressed. I see slug-like creatures in his hallway. They repulse me. I ask if they are dangerous. "What are they?" I step on one accidently and it pops. "Ugh." As I leave, I become aware that the man is very pleasant and I would probably enjoy knowing him. I wonder why I'm leaving. | 1ANI, 1MSA, 2ANI, 2ANI | HA 1MKA, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0415 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-18 | F | YA | A large, fat woman is a guest speaker for the C. dept. In the middle of her speech, she looks sad and concerned and scared and starts crying. She is unable to go on. I talk to her and console her. I say, "Don't worry, I don't like half the people here and I work here with them." I tell her it's O.K. to do what she did. No one will despise her for it. She turns black and her face gets contorted. I'm a little amazed. I pat her on the hand and continue to console her. | 1FSA | SD 1FKA, AP 1FKA, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0416 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-19 | F | YA | A huge refrigerator, freezer, oven, furnace combo machine. I am looking at all the nice extra features like a mirror so I can see if the pilot light is on easily. All these extra items cost extra money. I open a sliding drawer and find lots of extra "free" things. I'm delighted. there are lots of pots and pans of different sizes. A spotted green metal one, and lots of measuring cups and spoons, carrot sticks, apple slices, foods, etc. I am spooning out the white flour and I call to Paulina to bring me a container. I fill it (a one cup measuring cup), and ask for another. I have a feeling of happiness as I put things away where they belong. | 1FKA | HA D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0417 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-19 | F | YA | I'm on a bus. A baby named Tom changes into a black dog. | 1MKC, 1ANI | null |