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DreamBank-annotated

like 5

b

Barb Sanders

0518

1960-1997

1982-12-05

F

YA

I am wearing a copper suit of armor. It has fat bulges and fat legs. I say, "Hum... no wonder it doesn't fit, it's my father's suit." I then see another suit. It's slimmer and it's mine. I exchange them and wear mine. The helmet face piece keeps going up and down, occasionally. Then my co-worker in a store comes to me and says, "We had to use your other name for a sale 'B. B.'" I didn't like it, but it was already done, and besides it was only temporary and wouldn't hurt anything. I see a dress, turquoise, slinky and beautiful.

1MKA, 1MKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0519

1960-1997

1983-01-08

F

YA

I am walking through a beautiful restaurant, white table cloths, lots of lovely, happy people, a pleasant undertone of people talking. I think, "How nice that the inn is finally working up to its full potential." I am digging worms out of the fur of cats and stuffing them into a small hole in a box. It's yucky! I turn a light on, a white round globe like my bedroom light. It stops them from escaping and gooily wriggling around on the floor. A white cat doesn't have any worms. He sits in my lap at the inn very contented. A man says, "Oh, I didn't know you loved the cat." He kisses its ear. The cat purrs. A happy scene.

2JSA, 2ANI, 1ANI, 1MSA

HA 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0520

1960-1997

1983-02-15

F

YA

I am watching two young boys around ten years old, one white, one black. It's been a marathon struggle for hours. They are resisting merging. Then suddenly they both smile and I feel great joy because they'd become so weary they permitted the merger. They are sitting side by side on a bench and look at each other as they speak in unison because they now know each other's thoughts and operate as one. Then a woman sits beside me on my left. She reaches out and touches my shoulder. A dark haired woman suddenly sits between us and she touches my knee. There is a slight hint of sexual overtone, but not much. A disabled man, with short legs and small feet with his arm propped up on a brace, is sitting to my right. He's discussing his sexual problems. Mabel stands before us and says, "Just like that Dr. Virginia Lee. She takes uteruses out for no reason." I send the dark haired woman away because she grabs my big toe and pinches my sore spot. I scream with the pain. I am angry at her because there is no pain until she hurts me and she hurts me because I reject her. Then I'm crying and I feel so sad. I say, "I've lost Ellie because all I do is talk about my pain."

2MEC, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 1FSA, 1FKA

AN D, SD D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0521

1960-1997

1983-02-20

F

YA

(Dark haired lady). Linda is getting married. I think, "Here's where it all starts for me."

1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0522

1960-1997

1983-02-21

F

YA

It is necessary to study and learn more about femininity. I see a southern talking blonde, helpless type, and she changes into a well-dressed woman with a dark suit, a black picture hat and a red rose. She's beautiful, self-assured, and strong. Bette Davis is the director. She's pleased I've noticed I don't have to be traditional, soft and helpless to be feminine. [BL]

1FSA, 1FPA

HA 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0523

1960-1997

1983-03-14

F

YA

I am like riding with Joe, co-worker Tyler, and co-worker Jerome. They keep suggesting we stop and rest because they're afraid I'll hurt myself, go too far and stiffen up, but I know I'm healthy and capable. I'm just a little weak in the legs because I haven't built the muscles back up yet. Then we're sitting at a table and Jerome tells us how he insists to his family he must have free weekends or he will never be able to handle the confines and responsibilities and pressures of a family. He nearly cries and walks dramatically out of the room. All the women counselors go after him to give him support and sympathy and then the male counselors do too. I snicker. I know his game and refuse to go out there and support him. I note what suckers women have been led to be. Then I go out because everyone is outside. The party has changed locations. I walk up to the hugging circle, avoid Hank, and stand next to Andrea, but I don't hug her. I feel good that I didn't just automatically do it whether I liked it or not. I'm then walking Ellie and Paulina across the street, to the park. We're all barefoot and stepping very carefully over sharp rocks. I had stepped on one and now protect the girls too because it was so painful. Ellie lays down and I am dragging her. I ask her to get up and pull her own weight. Someone mentions ice cream and cake. I ask them not to eat it. They'll get fat; it's no good for them.

1MKA, 1MKA, 2JOA, 2FOA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1ISA, 1FKA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0524

1960-1997

1983-04-02

F

YA

I am dancing. I have a very wealthy guardian and this is like a debutante ball. I'm wearing a blue velvet evening gown. The gown and I are very beautiful. I dance first with one good-looking man, then with the next and then with the next. There are 3 that are the best that I am interested in. One is blond. Then two men escort me to a sort of "throne" chair. They simultaneously pour liquids into my champagne glass, the mixture needed to be swirled to make champagne. Outside there is a battle of airplanes and ships. Then the news is that my "father" must be captured or killed to prevent more war. [BL]

1MKA, 1MSA, 2MSA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0525

1960-1997

1983-04-04

F

YA

I am in a room with lots of other people. We are hostages or prisoners. A woman has a gun on us. She's going to kill us. I am afraid but also resolved. I must try to save myself, my daughter Ellie, and the others. She points a gun at me and says, "If you move I'll shoot." I stand up. She then says, "If you keep it up, I'll kill your daughter." I hug Ellie and apologize but I know this is the only way. She understands. I love her and tell her so. I then pick up a gun and fire 6 bullets into her but they must have been blanks because she's smiling at me, unharmed. I feel a little unnerved, like, "Did I make a bad mistake?" I call out to the others. I say, "We've only got 5 minutes to live! She'll kill us! We might as well try to do what we can! What will be lost?!" A woman stands near another gun. I realize that I need the "cap" off the hammer. That's why my gun didn't work. She tries to get it apart. The bad woman notices, and she marches everyone outside to execute them. I grab her gun and kill her. Now I look around. I'm in a huge city but it's been nuked. There are no lights but the few we generated in our area. I walk around the block. I look to my right to see swirling fog, a sinister feeling. I hurry back to the lights. A man and a woman say they're going for a walk, after being cooped up for so long. I say, "O.K." I watch the spot light beam on the clouds and hear airplanes. Rescue! Then I see a huge fire engine with men and women rescue teams on it. They see us and stop. They come over. A man walks toward me. I begin crying in relief. I hug him and he me. It is such a good comforting hug! I cry and cry. Then it is necessary to leave at once. The mutants are growling and screaming in the fog; they are coming for us. I mourn the man and woman who must have been killed by them.

2JSA, 1FKA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1MSA, 2MOA, 2MSA

AP D, SD D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0526

1960-1997

1983-06-08

F

YA

I look in a mirror. My eyes are pink and puffy and the pupils are missing. I wander around the house looking for Bonnie so she can take me to the doctor. I find her. She's crying because one of her cousins has died. I turn a corner and see a room full of hospital beds. An overweight middle-aged man is sitting up in each bed, with hospital p.j.s and robe on. One man says, "You're a week late to teach your well-being health class." I am embarrassed because I had forgotten! I think quickly, then start to lecture. The man has a red face like he is blushing.

1FKA, 1MKA, 1MSA, 1MSA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0527

1960-1997

1983-06-12

F

YA

Two things can stop my way to success, doubt and sickness.

b

Barb Sanders

0528

1960-1997

1983-06-13

F

YA

I am lying with Howard. I don't like it but I seem to be trying to convince myself it's O.K. Yuck.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0529

1960-1997

1983-08-03

F

YA

I'm sitting in a small square box or animal cage. I am handed a big sleek black cat. I must be careful because it has a poison tongue. If I move around too much, it will zap me. I feel some nervousness and trust at the same time. It zaps something and I feel the sting because it came so close to me.

1ANI

AP D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0530

1960-1997

1983-09-06

F

YA

Bonnie is holding and cuddling her baby (a chinese boy). At the same time, I am feeding baby food to what looks like his twin. I say to him that he is lucky. He will feel very loved because his mom even holds him when he is diapered and fed (using his duplicate...I thought in background, "Maybe not so good. He will expect it always and won't be prepared if as an adult, he doesn't get it all the time").

1FKA, 1MSC, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0531

1960-1997

1983-09-06

F

YA

I am at work, but it's the old "grade school room." I comb my hair (red and short). Then, I turn to leave the restroom. "Brenda," Valerie's baby, tries to crawl in. I stop her and pause to chat in the hall with her. She looks adult but sits and talks like a baby. She tells me her grandma is watching her today. I go to play bridge with Jock, Valerie, and others. I get a good hand. "4 clubs," I bid. Valerie responds, "6 hearts." I'm in convention for a grand slam. I recount my cards. They've changed. I find a weak suit in hearts. I decide to stay at 6 hearts, a conservative move. There are too many high cards out.

1FKC, 1FKA, 1FKA, 2JKA

b

Barb Sanders

0532

1960-1997

1983-09-06

F

YA

Paul Newman is talking to his son. He is unhappy (Paul is). He tells his son, "I guess you walked out thinking I didn't love you or care about you, then you got ran over. I'm no longer happy in 'my little Paris'."

1MKA

SD 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0533

1960-1997

1983-10-18

F

YA

I am put into the starvation ward. We all lie together in a tangled heap. The one next to me has a horrible cold voice. He asks to kiss me. I turn my face to avoid it but still try to talk to him politely. Then suddenly, he is on top of me and has stuck his fangs into my jugular vein (the left side of my neck), and is sucking my blood. I feel paralyzed and sick.

1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0534

1960-1997

1983-10-18

F

YA

Young boys are taking turns having sex with me. I'm lying on my tummy and I look over my shoulder. Two of them are talking. One says, "I have a rubber, but I'm so small yet that it keeps falling off." The other one is shocked that he'd say that. That's not macho! I have an orgasm.

2MSA, 1MSA

CO 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0535

1960-1997

1983-10-18

F

YA

I'm a government spy on a mission. The police come to my house. I pretend to be an ordinary citizen. A child is snuck out of the house by my "husband" while I keep the police occupied in the front yard. He is suspicious. It's time to make a run for it. I run to the helicopter waiting in the backyard. My "husband" tells me that Ellie has run away. I am torn in conflict. I must do my duty and I want to find Ellie. I decide that we must escape. I see a friend of Ellie's and ask her if she's seen Ellie. She won't talk to me. We fly away. The helicopter now is a square pizza racing over artificial turf. Now I'm in a room and a man in a 24 karat cold overcoat has two golden derringer pistols. He's holding them to the head of my husband. I watch for my chance and jump him. I now hold the guns and my husband is safe, but the man is coming toward me. He's saying, "You won't shoot me." I hesitate and then shoot him 5 or 6 times with golden bullets. Some blood spurts down his front. He won't die. It hardly slows him up. I feel fairly neutral. Then the mail man comes with a package and I say, "Oh! It's Ellie's picture. She ran away and I can't wait to see her picture." The man gets all happy and says, "Oh, I'm delighted. Let's see it." We look at the picture. It's satin and Ellie is wearing a blue evening dress with a white sash. It's a little too big for her.

2MOA, 1MSC, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1MOA

HA 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0536

1960-1997

1984-02-24

F

YA

I have a motorcycle. A man asks to ride it. I tell him to be careful. He agrees. We are outside on the lawn of the M City house. He has a wreck and the back wheel is smashed. Then I notice that my cat is hurt. He looks dead. His back legs are smashed. I am worried and sad. Then he revives and crawls to me. I hold him and pet him. He revives some more. I go inside the house. It's been not lived in for awhile; it's in disarray. I ask the guy that lives there if I got any mail or packages. He says, "No." I want to show my oil painting to this nice man. I tell him it's a break through, a new art form, an oil painting that moves like T.V. As we look at it, several people change by moving, like (you have pictures drawn here) cartoon figures and flipping pages. The man says, "I like the old lady one." I look. I see the young one stiff and diving into the water. He says, "She's changing into a lob." Then I see a huge lake. I am looking toward the lovely shore line, trees, rugged, like Alaska. I see her laying unconscious in the bottom of the row boat, dying of lack of water, thirst in a lake of water! The man finds a tube with water in it and brings it to her because he wants the row boat.

1MSA, 1ANI, 2JSA, 1MSA, 1FSA

AP D, SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0537

1960-1997

1984-03-16

F

YA

I'm going down a road. Darryl comes up to me. I'm glad to see him. We reminisce. There is some constraint. We don't touch but remember back to when we did. I see photos to the right, pictures of Darryl and I when we were happy. Then, we spontaneously hug and laugh. We start dancing to the American Bandstand theme song. The music is clear, bouncy, and accurate. He holds me firmly and strongly. We are dancing well together. I feel very happy. Then I'm in a race, wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a number, like a racer should. This other woman (who is much like me), and I are neck and neck racing down a stair well. I struggle hard to keep ahead of her. We are well matched. I leap over the banister and get one step ahead of her. She then sticks a leg out ahead of me and gets one step ahead, etc. Finally, I get ahead and she knows she can't keep up. She stops racing. Without slowing my pace, I well over my shoulder, "Don't give up!" She shrugs her shoulders and says, "How can I keep up? I've only had a high school education. You've had much more." I yell back, "Education isn't everything. Keep trying." Then I race on, feeling strong and good. I like running at my top speed and form. Then I see this red headed man. He's my friend. At first I think it is Darryl. He hugs me. It is such a good, supportive, affectionate feeling I get from him. We kiss and laugh, just enjoying being with each other. Now I'm directing traffic as other racers come by. I point to the right and say, "Handicapped to the right, straights this way." I repeat that several times. Then as a joke I say, "Straights this way, gays to the right," and laugh. Then, I skip over to my friend and look at a chart. It outlines the 5 courses and tells which ones are easy or hard. Course A is for music majors and is only 5 miles long. The rest of them are 10 miles long and "B" course is the toughest. I am a music major. I decide to take B course anyway, it being the most challenging. The man says, "I think you ought to try B." I agree and feel good. He is supportive, caring, and challenging me to try for my full potential. I know he'll be behind me and be supportive. I am feeling strong, radiantly healthy, and happy. I begin the race. I see a door marked "B course" and open it. I see a very tough obstacle course, a swimming pool and bleachers to run up and down. The crowd on my left gasps, "It's a girl!" I see a line of women running the course. Right after them comes a line of men. I race right after the men and I am keeping up and indeed pass some on the bleachers as we run up and down. I feel powerful and confident.

1MKA, 1FSA, 2MSA

HA D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0538

1960-1997

1984-03-14

F

YA

(This dream was the night before the previous one). Ginny and I are standing by a river. She says Dwight, my brother, is across the river. He still loves me and wishes we could get married. I feel a twinge of regret and also guilt because of the incestuous aspects. Now, I'm leaning out an open window, looking down at the river. Dwight comes up behind me and leans over me. There is a feeling of sexuality and forbiddance. I don't respond to him but I'm very aware of him. I feel poignant and sad. Elliot comes by. He wants to take me out to dinner to make up for all he didn't give me in the relationship. I drift away, leaving Dwight and now I'm at a table with a plate full of food. There are beans and trailmix, and it's not too appetizing or expensive, but it's nutritious. Elliot's gone. Three guys come in. It's cousin Terence and two of his noisy friends. Terence's face is very dark, almost black (as in shadowed or dirty). I am annoyed at them. I say to Terence, but not loud enough to be heard over his friends' talk and laughter, "I don't appreciate this at all." I vaguely remember that he is dead.

1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 2MKA

SD D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0539

1960-1997

1984-07-07

F

YA

Several good dreams about Mitch. In one he hugs me. It was sensual, and felt wonderful. I responded. I put my arms around him. I felt his soft skin. He wasn't wearing a shirt. It felt very good. In another dream, Mitch complained that he was so depressed because there were lots of things he couldn't do because of his disability, and he kept losing more as time went by. I said with gentleness, "Even able-bodied people can't do lots of things." He gave me a weary look like, "Please don't say that. It's so dumb, an able-bodied response." I gestured at him to wait and I said, "I know the able-bodies can maybe do more than you, but please listen to me, somehow it just doesn't matter. Don't get hung up in depression. That's what stops her."

1FKA

HA D, SD 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0540

1960-1997

1984-07-10

F

YA

A man, like Orville, comes into the kitchen. He's hungry and his wife isn't around. I'm sort of a maid. He shows me a frying pan he's going to cook something in. It's messy. I feel slightly guilty. I start scrubbing it. He is relieved. He won't have to do his own dinner. He says, "Could you start by sauteing some mushrooms?" I nod yes. As I am scrubbing, I think of his wife and my mother and how they had to put aside their entire life to take care of their men. I think, "No wonder they are so angry!"

1MKA, 1FKA, 1FKA

AP D, HA 1FKA, AN 1FKA+D

b

Barb Sanders

0541

1960-1997

1984-07-13

F

YA

I am hitch hiking on a big freeway with fences. I see a lion that would come eat me if those fences weren't there. I think to myself, "How can you hitchhike? You can hardly walk!" I agree and think that soon I'll get a ride and then it will be O.K.! A turquoise and white car with a boat on top stops. As I approach the car, I wonder if the people are safe or if they will hurt me. I realize they are safe. It's an older couple, a man, single, my age, and 2 young girls. It's a family in fact. As I get in, it becomes a trailer house. The driver, the older man, puts my luggage (a thermos bottle, yellow plastic), on the top. It lies loosely. I ask if it will be safe as some of the racks are open. He says, "Sure, no problems!" I get in. They make me feel comfortable. They offer me a drink. They ask how far I'm going. I say, "Louisville, Kentucky." They are amazed. So are they. "Ah! You must be a paleontologist," (to the driver). He agrees. I say, "So is my father. I'm meeting him there!" We talk. I mention my father has a master's. They mention proudly, "He has a doctorate!" I ask if they have a bathroom. They say, "Yes, but it isn't fixed up to use." They ask if I need to go. I say, "Yes, but I'll wait!"

1ANI, 2JSA, 1MSA, 2FSA, 1MKA, 1MKA

CO 2JKA

b

Barb Sanders

0542

1960-1997

1984-08-14

F

YA

I'm at an audition. They have already chosen the 3 guys. There is only one woman part in the play. I am putting on my costume. The woman director tells me and my rival to wear jeans, a half-t-shirt and a vest. My jeans are ripped at the hip seam. I'm quite surprised and comment on it to the guy that will be the romantic interest in the play. My outfit is somewhat revealing. I am pleased that I'm still slim enough to look good. The woman director leads a singing and dancing warm-up. I sing harmony and counter rhythm, like a lead gospel singer comin' in with phrases between lines. It's jazzy. It sounds really good. I know I am impressing the director. I know I'll get the part and I feel very satisfied and warm.

2MOA, 1FOA, 1MSA

CO D, HA D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0543

1960-1997

1984-08-14

F

YA

Co-worker Tyler and I are lying down and cuddling. It's very warm and friendly.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0544

1960-1997

1984-08-14

F

YA

I am seated on the floor in a group of other girls. The guys are going to come over and choose partners. One I think is good-looking walks toward me and then chooses the one next to me. I am alone. I feel sad and perplexed. Why not me? Later I'm walking to class and an ugly guy, sort of like Donald Duck, proposes to me. I turn him down, defending my attitude by pointing out that it isn't his looks that I am refusing, but that we don't get along.

2FSA, 2MSA, 1MSA, 1MSA

SD D, CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0545

1960-1997

1984-08-15

F

YA

I am angry and frustrated that I have to do housework. It's a stupid career, and not challenging. I resent it.

AN D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0546

1960-1997

1984-08-15

F

YA

I'm preparing to leave my "husband." I feel afraid that he'll catch me. There are some papers to sign to better my position to be independent. I am afraid to and also driven to do it, a last chance sort of feeling. I grab the papers and sign my name on them and hide them in a pile of letters. Then I rush to mail them thinking, "Even he couldn't get them from the U.S. mail!"

1MKA

AP D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0547

1960-1997

1984-09-14

F

YA

Ellie and I are walking down a hall, turn the corner and surprise my parents in lovemaking. I am embarrassed. We tip toe away. Later, I see my mother somewhere else and realize that my father was making love to someone else! Later, I'm driving a cart-like thing around the house. I turn right at the living room. Even though it's a house, there are streets and alleys. The snows have melted and the whole house is wet and drippy. I think, "Hey, now that the snows are melted, I can do a big cleaning and put up pretty curtains." As I drive the cart, my father reminds me that to go down Royal Ave. is better. I turn the cart around and say, "You're right." We drive on.

1FKA, 2JKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1ISA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0548

1960-1997

1984-09-15

F

YA

There is a woman faith healer. A crowd is gathered around her. I go up close and lie down on the cool sand right in front of her to listen. I make a pillow with the sand. She is a forceful preacher. Suddenly, she reaches out and places her hands on my face to heal me. She is powerful. I feel her intensity. I see religious scenes of Jesus and I know that it is working. I weep for joy and say over and over, "Oh yes! Please heal me! Please work!" I cry and cry. Later, I get up and walk away from the crowd, testing my joints for pain. It's gone. I also need to pull away from the preacher. I don't want to be mesmerized and be a follower. I do it with respect. (Before I left the crowd, I felt them all around me. I tried to stretch out my legs but I couldn't. I looked and could only see a "sea" of starched sheets. That's what they wore).

1FOA, 2JSA, 5MPA

HA D, SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0549

1960-1997

1984-09-15

F

YA

I'm on stage. I am a student, arguing with the teacher. The Board of Directors is seated around a conference table, and they are the audience. I must hide. A man offers me a way. He has a syringe that will do something so I can hide. I let him do it. He carries me away in a little box. Now to get me back to normal, he must heat me up. We put "me" in the oven. We watch the temperature carefully. If it gets too hot, I'll be damaged. He says, "If we could push air around her, she'd be safe." I go in search of a fan. I see a man next door sitting by a window holding a fan up to his face. I ask to borrow it. He reluctantly gives me part of it but not the fan part that moves the air. Now I must improvise. I find a hose, made of potatoes and blow through it. Two oval clumps of spaghetti hungrily go for the air. "Me," in a frozen clump, moves back away from it. I don't understand and try to move the hose. The spaghetti follows it, but "I" don't.

1IOA, 2JOA, 1FSA, 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0550

1960-1997

1984-09-16

F

YA

The "highway" is this raging river with huge boulders in it. I get in a rubber raft and motor down to visit a friend. I get there and a young boy is annoyed at my visit. He wants to be alone. I hear an echo sound of waves and say, "Oh, you have a cave under the house." He denies it. It's his special place and he doesn't want a bunch of grown-ups messing up his place.

1MKA, 1MSA

AN 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0551

1960-1997

1984-09-16

F

YA

I'm going to see a movie. I see some chairs downstairs. I follow Juliet down the stairs. The stairs are clogged with coats, large art-type books, and people. I try not to step on the people. We chat as I go by. Then I look for a comfortable chair. I find one in the back. I ask Jock to carry it more forward so I can see better. He does. I find a pitcher of beer in my hand. Someone comments on it as I go by. I notice I don't have glasses. I make a joke and wonder why I have a pitcher (which the person called a vase). After all, I don't drink. Jock has 2 glasses. I say, "Leave it to you to think of the glasses." I ask his help in setting up the chair. It's just a bit too big for the small space and tips over the stair edge when I try to sit. I see wheelchair tires next to the stair edge that the feet of my chair are resting on. Jock says, "You know, I usually hold you back until you get all the facts (when he's giving me a client). I'm a little surprised and annoyed. He then is surprised at me and says, "I misunderstood you. I thought, you know, you said about alcohol and drugs and those guys you'd pick up on and I thought you didn't like people like that and wouldn't be good at helping them, so I didn't send any of them to you." I am surprised. [BL]

1FKA, 1MKA, 1ISA

CO D, AN D, CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0552

1960-1997

1984-09-17

F

YA

A young woman is going away to get married. I'm going to sing at her wedding or graduation. I am wearing a wedding dress, lots of lace, and I'm well-shaped. I look fat, but I'm not. A nun comes up to me. We are introduced. She doesn't approve of me. I am making jokes about marriage, like a clown or a comic. I show the girl my silly undertrunks and laugh. She's very serious and doesn't laugh. It's time for the show. A small audience, 10 of us in lines, are on the stage. I'm second to left in front. The girl is to my left. I sing a story about a bride who broke part of her husband's tea set. She had to pay for it out of her own money. "And," I told the audience, "it has to be out of the principal, not the interest. I am serious," I say to a scoffing audience person. They don't like my message. A woman friend's daughter starts crying and has to leave the stage. Perhaps the message is too modern for her. It's like we're doing an opera with humor.

1FSA, 1FOA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1FKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0553

1960-1997

1984-09-17

F

YA

I am a man, being kept by a wealthy man. I wear lovely clothes. I ask him, "How long can I count on your generosity?" The old, fat man wears high heels and a robe. Now I'm wearing a beautiful wedding gown. I'm female. The announcers tell how women love to swoop up and down a staged aisle in this type of dress. I swoop. It's like a roller coaster. When I'm on stage, another woman, a rival jeers at me. She threatens to tell the man stories about me. Hints that he won't stay interested in me? I must get to him first. We both begin to run. There is a massive crowd. I work my way to the left edge where I can move faster as there are fewer people. I see video tape boxes with titles on them. I grab 2 that say "Barb." I get to the street. I must cross the street but the noon hour traffic is starting. I see my chance and I go for it. I run and keep looking to my left where the cars are coming. They are getting closer and closer. I am worried because they won't stop for pedestrians. If I miscalculate, they'll just run over me.

1MSA, 2FOA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 2JSA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0554

1960-1997

1984-09-19

F

YA

The girls and I are on a journey. We stop at a cafe/bar to have lunch. Young men dance suggestively. We were given silver gifts by the waiter. I decide we should leave. We go to the check out stand. The woman starts to add up our bill. A cup of butter is $150. They charge me for some gifts. I refuse to pay. I give them back. The waitress is rude and calls for the manager. I am firm. "I didn't order the butter, I won't pay for it." We leave. We get in the car to drive into the night. Ellie is in the front with me. Dovre and Paulina are in the back. I can't see Paulina, but I can feel her there. Then Dovre gets in the front. It's too crowded and I ask her to get in the back. She won't. We argue. I get angry. It interferes with my driving. Finally she does. Then we go to Aunt Esther's house. It's by the beach. I want to go to the beach. I open the back window. I see a cliff and the beach. A brown cloud scurries by. We decide it's too cold to swim today. We go for a walk. I see a miniature train. There are miniature copies of grandma Mildred's coffin. I ask Aunt Esther to show me how the train works. As it moves by, miniature people smile and wave. They are cute. I wave back and feel silly because they aren't real. Dora comes over to tell me to be careful on my journey. She had gone to the same bar and had been raped by a woman. She then proceeds to tell and show me the whole story. I'm embarrassed because Uncle Wilbur and Aunt Esther are watching. She lies down in a slinky green harem-type outfit and wiggles around. She describes the woman's touches on her breasts, etc. She says, "After that, I stopped fighting. I kind of liked it."

2FSA, 1MOA, 1FOA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FSA

b

Barb Sanders

0555

1960-1997

1984-09-20

F

YA

A mean old man is wealthy. He lords it over the family. He is ill. He is represented by a piece of dried red wood. He catches fire and I don't try to help put it out. I let "grandfather" die.

1MSA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0556

1960-1997

1984-09-20

F

YA

I decide to hike to visit Dora. I walk miles through a town by the coast. I nearly walk through someone's front yard. I ask where the road went. A sailboat store has changed ownership and is a bakery with lots of gooey donuts. I walk through the store. I notice the rooms. It used to be a house, very important to me. I feel nostalgic and look at the curtains and sigh. I think someone I loved used to live here. As I continue walking, the sky darkens. I get concerned because I don't feel safe hiking at night. I look at my watch. It is 4:35 p.m. I see a gas station with a telephone sign. I go there and ask if I can call Dora. Maybe they'll come to get me. I tell her that I've left E City and I'm now at XXX Beach. He calls but she's not home. I continue walking. It's not too much further. I must have started late today. I stop at a second phone. She's still not home. Then I realize she's probably on her way to the lst gas station. I am a little annoyed at myself. "Why didn't I stay there?" I start walking back. The sky lightens up and the time goes backwards as I retrace my steps.

1FKA, 1ISA, 1MKA

AP D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0557

1960-1997

1984-09-21

F

YA

Aliens have surrounded the house. Lydia and I hide. They come to the window in helicopters and send thoughts to us to control us. I plug my ears and hide deep in a closet. Lydia finally succumbs. I try to hold her back but I must save myself.

1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0558

1960-1997

1984-09-23

F

YA

I put daffodils in a crock in a tile, took a hammer and pounded them in like a nail. It mussed up their pretty faces. I was sitting next to an old man. In a large car, my father was driving, I found room far in the back. There was a baby somewhere. This old man was with an old woman, they were like grandparents. He was somewhat famous and knowledgeable but his speech was slow from age. Yet, I recognized him from my high school. I asked him if he ever had lived in M City. He smiled. He looked younger now. He said, "No," but I thought he was teasing me. I turned to him and said something. He kissed me. I turned my head and said, "Really!," pretending to be shocked. I was attracted to him.

1MSA, 1MSC, 1FKA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0559

1960-1997

1984-09-24

F

YA

A man grabs me and tries to rape me. I get away. It's time to sleep. I think I'll curl up in a box and then I'll know I'll be protected, but it's too small and cramped; I go outside and position people around me so I'll be protected. Dovre is next to me, Juliet, Dylan, and Jock are around me. I try to sleep.

1MSA, 2JKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0560

1960-1997

1984-09-24

F

YA

Something about Terence, and then cheese has to be drunk so it doesn't flood out over pastures.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0561

1960-1997

1984-09-24

F

YA

I had to move.

b

Barb Sanders

0562

1960-1997

1984-09-28

F

YA

Ethan is cute and harmless. We smile and joke. I don't feel that old master/novice feeling any more.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0563

1960-1997

1984-09-30

F

YA

Co-worker Tyler and I are cuddly. He starts kissing me. I feel hesitant. I remind him about his wife. He says, "It's O.K. No problem." I enjoy kissing him. Then Jim C. joins us, on my right side. I am surprised. He wants to kiss too. I feel hesitant again, because of Tyler. Then I just sense that it's O.K. I remember feeling how Jim C's beard tickles. After awhile, we decide to go so somewhere. We have to hop on a boat to get there. I leap, chair and all, over the water to the boat. I turn and look. They have hesitated and will have to wait for the next boat. I'm a little annoyed at them.

1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA

CO D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0564

1960-1997

1984-10-07

F

YA

I am preparing to give a speech. I've got lots of notes and I'm putting them in order. I see maybe 20 or 30 file folders full of paper. Some get out of order. I go into the lecture hall. The exhibit is all set up. I start the speech with a bit on vocabulary and what words mean. The next section is a small aside about my father's interesting research. It's not really related to the main part of my speech. My father is standing to my right. He is impressed with all my work. I tell the audience to be ready to concentrate for 2 hours. Then everyone gets noisy. I can't be heard over the roaring background noise. I ask, "Who is interested in hearing the speech?" A few people raise their hands. I am annoyed.

1MKA, 2JSA, 2JSA

AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0565

1960-1997

1984-10-07

F

YA

My parents and I are returning. We have a school bus, my van, and a boat on a trailer. We arrange that my parents will relief drive for me. I'm tired. However, first we have to stop off at the hospital for my mother to have surgery. I finally realize I'll have to drive all the way. She can't have surgery and then drive away. We go to find her room. We are lost. Then I see some guy wearing a funny mask like a round plastic head with a smiling clown face. I think it's funny to ask him where the room is.

2JKA, 1FKA, 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0566

1960-1997

1984-10-09

F

YA

I hide in a cave. It's important to not eat the food. It may be poisoned. I move furniture. I put a wood framed mirror with maroon fringe next to the foot of a bed, then it is moved. I look for it. I go to the basement. Everything in there is mine. It is cavernous. 2 box boys work there and laugh at me. I meet someone I had written a book about. He laughs and says, "I'm not offended. In fact, I shall publish your book. It will help my cause!" I feel badly because it wasn't suppose to help them.

2MOA, 1MKA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0567

1960-1997

1984-10-10

F

YA

We were in the arctic. We traveled by hanging on to a rope that trailed from a helicopter. We were new. We were told to go out to the snow fields and pick up yellow cards. We figured, "That's easy. We'll be close to the base so we won't take our jackets." After we got out there, walking, my partner fell and started to become frozen to the ground. I ran for my 3rd partner and said, "Call for help." We waved our found yellow cards at camp. A signal person saw us and said, "I think they're in trouble." Another person said, "Nah! If they were in trouble, they'd light a signal fire." I thought, "We would but we stupidly left our jackets and gear behind." I really hoped they'd figure out we needed them. The signal person fired a flare and they sent out a helicopter. They went to go pick up our frozen friend who is a yellow card now. The rescuer warmed up the edges with his fingers saying, "O.K., we missed the eyes, the ears are O.K." Then my partner and I helped him on the rope as we flew back to camp. A grandmother came out as we landed. Someone said, "What's it like out there today?" She said, "There's fire on the desert and daises, like that's dangerous." I said, "Ya, we saw the fire, burning in the snow, no fuel." We all went in. Now our frozen friend was a cat. A black cat ran over and licked him lovingly to help unfreeze him. We watched and commented on the caring.

1MKA, 1MOA, 1ISA, 1ISA, 1ANI, 1FSA, 1ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0568

1960-1997

1984-10-11

F

YA

I am jogging. I feel I must attempt to go complete around the block. I know it will be tiring, but necessary. As I am jogging, I see a group of people, mostly men, all in a bunch, talking. They have plates that are valuable and are sales men or business men. I have a stack of 6-8 china plates myself, but I'm just carrying them, I'm not trying to sell them. They are looking for the rich old man to do business with...I'm just trying to get around them to continue jogging. As I go by, I see a house/shop with lots of glass/china pretties. I go in. I ask to see the old man. His son says, "I can help you, but most people won't let me, they just want my father." He takes me to see his father. It is a huge house. We go down extremely steep ladder/stairs. I have heels on. Then we are in the basement which is huge, messy and with lots of windows looking out over the fields. I see a crow or raven. He's large. Then I see a whole flock of them, right by the window. I say, "Hello! Hello," at them over and over (like my father tried to teach our crow to talk). The son likes me. He has wire framed round glasses perched on his nose. Suddenly, a lightning, electrical green light saps all around me and I am in a special room where this electrical phenomenon gives me or enhances my special powers. I look at a field of grain. As I look, my powers speed everything up and field is being cut or harvested quickly. Sheep, goats and cows are spared so they can continue to graze and produce.

2MSA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1MKA, 1ANI, 2ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0569

1960-1997

1984-10-13

F

YA

Co-worker Tyler and I are roommates with my two girls in a dorm room. I go into the bathroom. It is so cluttered with clothes, curlers, shavers, soaps, etc. I try to clean it up. I run out of room to put things. Later, I see Tyler being captured by these big beasties. I peek over the edge of the cliff. They see me and reach up for me. I try to escape. They laugh and say they'll keep trying until they get me. I can't escape, so I go hear near and let them capture me. I am put on the same window sill as Tyler. We sit and watch the beasties swim around. I look behind me and see a crack in the wooden shutters. I see some little cars on a track, a possible escape! I point it out to Tyler. He hops down pretending to stretch while he looks it over; we are whispering and signalling that it might be possible. A woman throws herself over the cliff to where the beasties are. One breaks her neck, the other lives. She's a floozy and she wants the beasties, who are also gay men, to make her. One guy is chosen to do it as "punishment," to cream her pussy. He has white makeup on and is very French and gay. Meanwhile, a man comes through the window and sits with us. He wants Tyler. to teach for him. Tyler introduces me and says I'm an excellent teacher as well. He looks me over. He might be interested. Tyler comments on his all-linen attire. The man looks at my outfit. I say, "Ordinary denim." As we look at it, I notice the greeny pajamas underneath have holes in them around the crotch. I am a little embarrassed. I say, "Well, they are my daughter's."

1MKA, 2ANI, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1FSA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0570

1960-1997

1984-10-14

F

YA

I have a very small house. Bonnie comes by. She is very fat. She is wearing a hand crocheted dress and a white slip. She asks me to help unravel her dress. She has crocheted it incorrectly and she needs me to redo it. As I undo it, my father looks shocked and turns his face away, quite upset. He asks that she cover herself. She asks me if she can borrow something to wear. I go into my spacious walk-in closet and look. I see old, tattered evening gowns (sort of 1950's style). I think, "I sure don't wear them much anymore." I see blouses and then bathing suits and unders. Nothing in there will fit. I then go to my dresser and pull out a big black turtleneck sweater. She says, "That will fit," and puts it on.

1FKA, 1MKA

CO 1MKA, SD 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0571

1960-1997

1984-10-15

F

YA

As a faculty member, I get to be a student in a journalism class. I'm given a list of people to interview, Rochelle, Patsy Cline and some others. I am very professional and I know lots of good questions, like how many column inches the story will run. The teacher says, "I wish all my students were as good as you."

1FKA, 2JKA, 1IOA

b

Barb Sanders

0572

1960-1997

1984-10-15

F

YA

I go to a concert to see Frank Sinatra. I am surprised to see that he's a very small man. He's 2-3 feet tall and sometimes l/2 foot tall. Some large woman steps on him and says, "I brought you into the world and I can take you out." I'm seated in a front row seat with park and recreation types all around me. He comes over and sits near me. I see he has 3 eyes, pretty brown eyes, then 4 eyes, 0000. He sings a beautiful ballad. I feel attracted. He's giving me eye contact. I drop eye contact and think to myself, "Now you've done it. He won't think you like him and he'll go away." Then the "governor" comes in. He's gorgeous, tall, sexy, and good-looking. Everyone around me rushes to be close to him. I don't. I'm alone on my bench. I look up at the ceiling and tisk tisk. "Frank" watches me. The governor makes a joke. He says that the next time Frank complains about paying taxes, he should remember that the governor contributed to his income by paying to get in. Then the governor gets on his knees and hits piano keys with his chin. Everyone laughs. I am aware that I'm sitting because I'm disabled.

1MPA, 1FSA, 1MOA, 2JSA

CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0573

1960-1997

1984-10-16

F

YA

I am in a pretty little house. Water rushes in the alley behind it like a river going downhill, emptying out into the streets. Then it reverses directions and rushes to the other street. I say to Ellie, "This sure is a cute little house." I go out and look at it from the outside. Now Ellie is driving and I'm sitting in the back looking through the back window at my house. I see Nate and Rochelle sitting on the front porch. Nate has sunglasses on. He sees me and smiles. I try not to respond. I feel a warm sense of happiness at seeing him and I'm thinking, "I don't want to see you." We go around the block. I'm teaching her how to drive. Now it's crowded. I say, "Slow down, be careful." She says she can't stop because of the water. I look but I don't see any water. I get out and go to a store. I find some of my belongings out in front. I pick them up and also see a beautiful pair of earrings. I think of taking them too. A woman comes by and says, "Are you taking my earrings?" I say, "Certainly not. It's just that my finger got stuck while I was looking at them!" I find another pair, they look Indian, no clips. I ask the store owner if they can be fixed. She says, "No."

1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FSA, 1FSA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0574

1960-1997

1984-10-17

F

YA

A mentally retarded boy was the next act in a show. It had been smooth until he came on. He faltered on the first note and then couldn't get his bearings. I tried to help him out. If he could just calm down and remember the starting point, he'd be O.K. I was seated in a balcony seat that was very close to him. Then I started coughing and he was on his own. It was no good. The show ended ragged and unfinished when it had started so well. [BL]

1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0575

1960-1997

1984-10-17

F

YA

I'm cleaning up, doing dishes. Mabel and Orville are going to leave after their snack of cheese and salads. I feel sad that they hadn't invited me to join them. There are more and more dishes to clean. It's sort of like the M City house kitchen.

2FKA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0576

1960-1997

1984-10-21

F

YA

My father has come to town to congratulate me. I'm going to take him to a special place for dinner. I take him to a gay restaurant because we can get good food cheaply, seeing as how they cater to such a small audience. We are naked except for shorts and unders. I get confused if it's Howard or my father but it is my father. He wants to make love to me. I can feel it and yet he is held back by feelings of how wrong it would be. He wants to see my breasts. I think, "Why? I'm 41 years old and they droop, probably as much as my mother's droop, even though I'm 20 years younger." I feel him leaning on me to get more skin contact. I lay still with my back to him, and I feel sexually excited and disgusted at the same time. I'm his daughter. This isn't right. I imagine or sense his erect penis. I think, "If he tries to put it in me, then I'll know he's trying to be sexual." He does everything but put it in. I wonder why we are in bed together but I don't move to get out. I said no real clearly without guilt.

1MKA, 1FKA

CO D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0577

1960-1997

1984-10-21

F

YA

Lydia and her kids come by. One of the little ones is naughty. I tell her she should remove her from the room until she stops crying. Lydia refuses. She's angry with me for always interfering.

1FKA, 2ISA, 1ISC

AN 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0578

1960-1997

1984-10-21

F

YA

I am doing a video for the C. dept. Co-worker Josh wants to watch. I feel relieved that I am finally doing something legitimate when he watches. We are taking pictures of president Reagan as he swims in the ocean. He makes a real fool of himself, splashing and diving, because it's too shallow. I think, "Oh, he's going down for the 3rd time." As I walk back out of the water, I step on an eye under the sand. I think, "Yuck! Sharks!" [BL]

1MKA, 1MPA, 1ANI

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0579

1960-1997

1984-10-22

F

YA

Paulina and I are in some Arabic country. We want to cross the river but there is no bridge and the current is swift. We ask a woman how much a taxi would cost. She says, "$9.50." We snort, "Ha!," and say, "No way!" We walk away. She calls after us, "$6.00." It's still too high. Then Paulina lies down, crying out in pain. The woman comes to her. Paulina twists around so only I can see her face and she winks. She's putting it on. I lecture her. "Don't do that! It is wrong to get something by lying."

1FKA, 1FSA

SD 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0580

1960-1997

1984-10-22

F

YA

A man, a friend is doing laundry. Some electrical problem starts. He goes to the circuit breaker. As he touches it, he gets zapped. We pull him off. Now we need to get him to a doctor, but someone brings to our attention that he needs to have a check-up and update his insurance or they won't pay! We carry him there to get it worked out. [BL]

1MKA, 1MOA, 1ISA

b

Barb Sanders

0581

1960-1997

1984-10-22

F

YA

I see showers. A mentally retarded woman lives in one stall. Whenever she showers, the water stands and spreads to the next stall. The woman in the next stall gets upset and wants someone to clean that up. I take a small razor handle and start to suck up the water with that. It will take forever! The woman says, "Thank goodness someone is doing it!" Then it's time to go. As we are leaving, we see our electrocuted friend being moved into the apartment across the way. A nurse goes with him. We are sad. "Oh, if we had only known he was coming. We'd have arranged to be here, but we have to leave now."

1FSA, 1ISA, 1FOA, 1FOA

SD 1FKA+D

b

Barb Sanders

0582

1960-1997

1984-10-22

F

YA

"The wicked witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead," (sung to "Poor Judd is Dead" from Oklahoma musical).

5FPA

b

Barb Sanders

0583

1960-1997

1984-10-23

F

YA

Someone's getting married. I'm waiting in a restaurant/lounge. Finally the bride shows up. She's wearing a funny looking dress, white satin with a dusty rose train formed in a ring, like dragging a huge diaphragm around after me. I open my wedding presents. I keep getting booties and kid shoes.

1FSA

b

Barb Sanders

0584

1960-1997

1984-10-23

F

YA

I'm driving a huge diesel truck. It's automatic shift. I pull out in front of a car, not giving much room. I get past without an accident. I drive up a mountain road through a cute village. I'm tricked into going down a road that ends up being the runway for jets! [BL]

b

Barb Sanders

0585

1960-1997

1984-10-25

F

YA

A man has found a diamond or gold mine. Lydia and I are black birds. We are going to follow the man and find the riches. He sees us hiding and picks us up. We become his pets. Down into the mines we go. Other men try to follow but he loses them. There are 27 turns to get to the "Y" and then 145 more turns after that. He gathers up the diamonds and stacks them up. He sneaks them past the men. One night it becomes clear he can't sneak past the men. He has to try and remember the 145 turns to get through the other way. We go. He nearly dies. We see the opening, and we drag him to it. We turn into 2 beautiful women to help him. She has black raven hair and snappy black eyes. I am a perfect blonde, with blue eyes. We feed him water from our hands. He regains consciousness and falls in love with me.

1MSA, 1FKA, 2MSA, 2FSA

b

Barb Sanders

0586

1960-1997

1984-10-25

F

YA

I am in a wheelchair, going to a doctor's appointment. When I get there, the nurse tells me he's got an emergency and must leave. I get very irate and write a note. I say, "I'm very busy too. He can call me later." The pains are very serious. I leave. I'm in a manual chair but it moves like a power chair. I sign my name differently in the note. I am Olgn G Alix or someone. I wonder why I did that. I get to the elevator which had been held in place by a manual chair. I hear voices talking about me, how selfish I am, and how no one else can use the elevator. A cute man in a wheelchair says he's met her before, he doesn't wait, he just goes up a ramp. Now I'm me watching the selfish woman being carried down a long flight of stairs just to see some ceramic vases with gilt on them. The guy and I walk about her. Then we go on. We like each other. I see a book store that we both want to go in. We do. We each go to our own particular area of interest. He goes to the H row, and I go to the B or C row. It's a mutual enjoyment. We're polite and would give it up for the other but we are understanding of each other. It feels nice. Then we see a stereo, an old one for 45, 55 dollars. We dig into it and see old music books and things. The guy really wants it, so when he's somewhere else, I bargain the sales guy down to $10 dollars. He says $18 and no lower. I offer $15; it's a go. Then we are outside, standing in water and I'm going to give my present to this nice guy that likes me.

1MOA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1MOA

AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0587

1960-1997

1984-10-26

F

YA

I'm going up the stairs in a tall 3 story house. Everywhere I look, people are in some kind of orgy, sex, drugs, etc. In a room at the top, I see a sign that says, "Don't disturb" or "Don't look." I look anyway. It's a male client, older, engaged in sex with a woman. The thoughts are, "Good, he's now able to enjoy it, older and wiser." [BL]

2JSA, 1MOA, 1FSA

b

Barb Sanders

0588

1960-1997

1984-10-26

F

YA

A man and his wife are 1st married and decide to live in a small town. I now ride their horse. It's the best horse ride I've ever had; every gallop or trot is comfortable. The horse and I are very compatible.

1MSA, 1FSA, 1ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0589

1960-1997

1984-10-27

F

YA

There were two baby boys. One of them had his penis on his head. The mother was a little upset. She asked, "Is this normal?" I assured her it was. That as the baby grew, the penis moved down where it was supposed to be. Later, I was aware of uneasiness because I realized that I was wrong. The kid was definitely abnormal! My baby's name was Fred. I found a babysitter, I didn't really care who, just so I could leave for a while. I drove down town, looking for music. I saw groups of people, musicians playing. I weaved between and around them. I came back home to my swimming pool. I was a school teacher. Some movie star type gave me the pool. The water was deep and warm.

1MSC, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1IOA, 1MPA

AP 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0590

1960-1997

1984-10-27

F

YA

I am in Aunt Elaine's house but it is the house of Senora W. We are her Spanish class waiting for her to arrive. I walk into the kitchen and look around. I think, "I guess Senora W isn't married." Then I remember she is. I sit on a counter by the stove. The girls are talking. One is talking about her Mexican boyfriend. She keeps looking at me nervously. Then she says, "His name is Hector." She pauses and says, "Your Hector." I am quite surprised. I say, "Mine used to be Hector. I thought he was in Mexico. He hasn't written me. I only write to Roberto!" I say, "I'd like to see him again to say hi!" She's nervous, so I say, "We're just friends now. It's O.K." She gets her appointment book out. "No, not this weekend. Oh, it won't work next weekend," etc. I think she must be awfully insecure about their relationship. She says she guesses she doesn't want to share any of their time with anyone else. I laugh, very superior. She gives me a package of permanent curlers. I say, "What am I supposed to do with these?" She shrugs. I say, "Oh, you leave them here for the thrift shop." I put all my unorganized papers into my purse and go to the living room.

1FKA, 2FKA, 1MSA, 1MKA

CO D, AP 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0591

1960-1997

1984-10-27

F

YA

The world is changed, but lots of people don't know it. All the roads are rivers, with soup in them. Everyone has to swim to work or wherever. They get out all wet and continue with what they are doing. New kinds of furniture is needed, plastic coated materials, etc. I swim.

2JSA

b

Barb Sanders

0592

1960-1997

1984-10-27

F

YA

Now it's time for our group to perform. I'm sort of not in the group anymore. I've grown beyond their capacities and I'm moving on for more. Brett's in the group. Our audience is small and seated in school desks. Everyone goes up to do the opening song. I come up a little later, on the periphery. They sing and falter, forgetting the words. I sing out "We forgot the words and it's O.K.," to a nursery rhyme tune. The audience loves it and applauds. I go sit on the sidelines while Hector and his girl work out a new skit. I need my scripts. I go back to my purse and get them. I come back up on stage. Maggie sits next to me and says, "You're really matured. You were good and now you're hot!" I say, "Thanks."

2JKA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0593

1960-1997

1984-10-29

F

YA

I am in a large store. Bonnie and I are going to have lunch. She has the food. We sit down. It becomes clear she isn't going to share her food. I ask, "Are you going to share or should I buy my own?" She says, "You need to buy your own." I go looking but I don't really find what I want. Someone comments that things are really icing up outside, like we're in Alaska or some place frozen. A man is near me. He seems to like me and me him. I still hesitate to buy anything. Some people, a family, goes out to their tent. Even when you pee, it freezes and is solid ice as it hits the ground! The man and I go back to the store to get mittens, hats, etc. The woman store owner asks what we want. The man bargains with her; we get things half price. He puts his arms around me and I lean into him. I kiss him on his cheek. I look for mittens. He brings a spray can. He sprays it around his neck and then mine. It's a white cloudy material that has sparks coming out of it. I don't want to breathe it in. It is supposed to keep us warm. We buy mittens, etc. and go out together to the tent to make it through the winter.

1FKA, 1MSA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 2JSA

b

Barb Sanders

0594

1960-1997

1984-10-30

F

YA

I am preparing to go out and perform to a group of people. I walk out of the house, onto the porch. They applaud. I notice the applause continues even after they stop clapping. It's really some other group behind a wall responding to some other group. I start the intro. As I'm speaking, the group gets up and leaves. I call out to them, "Wait we've got a good show!" Only 4 or 5 persons remain. I say, "Oh well, the show must go on." I start the show anyway. I go in to get the rest of the "Birds." By now the audience is wandering all over the lawn. I go out there to see the stream that this guy likes to fish and relax in. I find water standing in a field of crops. At first I think, "That's it." I notice rows of funny looking trees. They have a name. Then I see the stream. I go to the edge and look. I start sliding. I reach out my arm to a woman and say, "Help me, I'm slipping." She is neutral. She doesn't help. I hang on, hoping and finally in desperation, I put myself up out of danger. We go back to the house. In the hall, lots of waiter people are working hard. Nate says he's going down to the basement to check it out. As he leaves, I fall head first down the laundry chute to the basement and get there before he does! A plump guy follows me because he knows that I'll be accused and will look guilty being there first. He wants to help me. He gets there and goes to meet Nate head on. The hall is now the inside of a diesel truck. The interior is painted red and there is spooky danger there! He calls out, "Howard! Howard!," (I wake up).

2JSA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 2JOA, 1MSA, 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0595

1960-1997

1984-10-31

F

YA

A woman, a man, and I are trying to decide what day to get together. We decide on the 14th. Then the woman wants to change it to the 3rd. I say, "It's possible, but I have other commitments and wouldn't be able to give as much time." The man is disappointed. He wanted more time with me. I get annoyed at the woman for thoughtlessly creating problems for the man. We all agree to change the date back to the 14th. Then we go out into the city; there is some danger and we must flee. We see a crowd. It is waiting to see a famous dance troupe. I ask how long we'll wait. The woman says, "An hour." I say, "They'd better be good then." She says, "They are the best in Mexico, just like you are the best in the U.S." I am modest and say, "Oh! tat!" The man is sitting on the same bench. I go over to him and kiss him. He and I cuddle. It's nice.

1FSA, 1MSA, 2JSA, 2JSA

SD 1FKA, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0596

1960-1997

1984-11-01

F

YA

There's a war on and I'm trying to stop the soldiers from fighting, even the ones on "my" side. I capture the guys, seven of them at gun point, and order them to tie each other up, seated in chairs. They are real arrogant but do it. They tease me. I like the leader and he likes me. Then the enemy keeps firing. I try to respond non-violently. Finally, I take a gun and point it at the enemy woman and say, "Stop or I'll shoot." She decides to call my bluff. She watches me closely as she starts to walk away. I fire at her, deliberately missing by inches. She keeps moving. I yell, "Stop or I'll shoot you!" Again, she calls my bluff. I fire at her but I've run out of bullets. I reload the gun (which is white). She's gone by now. I have to decide whether to untie the men soldiers. I hesitate but then do so. Then he introduces me to a group of male giants, "International XXX Thumb group." The guy is so tall that in order for us to talk, he first gets on bended knees and he lays down on me, so we can be eye to eye. I tell him that he can take his group to the enemy castle and all peek into the windows. It will scare the enemy. They agree to do it. I then untie more of the men soldiers. The leader says to his buddy, "She thinks I'm leaving here, but what she doesn't know is, I'm not. She'll have to stay here with me." Here is North Africa.

2MOA, 1MOA, 2MSA, 1FSA, 2MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0597

1960-1997

1984-11-02

F

YA

Mabel and I are trying to put together a puzzle. We pick pretty beads from a basket and place them where they belong. I think Shea was there too. Later, I take some kids to the store. A couple of teens take some candy. I tell them to put it back. Then I see Paulina scooting out the door quickly. I run after her and stop her. She has candy in her mouth! I say, "How dare you! Take it back at once! I'll lose respect and love for you." I am very angry, and she goes back. She and I go to the clerk. I say, "She took this candy." The clerk shrugs and says, "Oh well, teens do that." A man walks up to me and puts a soda bottle on the counter. He says, "You pay for it and I'll reimburse you later." I am so busy with Paulina I don't really attend and agree. Then I turn to see who this is. I know him well and I laughingly agree to do so. [BL]

1FKA, 1FKA, 2ISA, 1MKA, 1MSA

AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0598

1960-1997

1984-11-03

F

YA

I'm in the M City house. Howard and the girls are there too. Dovre is working on a school project that requires pasting papers to a poster in an interesting design. She finally gets it done. I hang it up on the wall. I feel relief. Howard says, "At least you didn't say you were tired of it like you said about receiving roses from the fair." I am a little embarrassed because receiving roses is a special favor, but I felt it was sort of off-handedly done and wasn't special.

1MKA, 2FKA, 1FKA

HA D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0599

1960-1997

1984-11-03

F

YA

I am observing Dovre in her 1st grade class. It's music time and I am given a drum to play. So is Dovre. She has a base drum. Mine is more of a snare drum. The teacher brings me a clump of black and white beaded necklaces all clumped together. I help her try to unravel one black necklace out of it. We succeed. I now do a solo on my drum singing in front of the class.

1FKA, 1IOA

b

Barb Sanders

0600

1960-1997

1984-11-04

F

YA

I am in a room with two clients and the professor. The woman is very rude and child-like. The man is very insecure and the community college student, like the professor, is very pompous. He sort of takes over the questioning. The woman whines and complains, interrupts the man's story and takes the conversation into different directions at the drop of a hat. I give up. I can't get her to shut up so I can counsel and don't really try to hard. It is so funny to be watching the dynamics of those 3. The professor says, "Let's reverse role play." The man says, "That's not necessary." I say, "It is, because we can't see what's wrong in ourselves. We need to be shown." He doesn't like it. Later, I'm at a hotel, a convention. The guy comes over to explain how much better he's doing and describes how he's opening conversation with people now. I am very pleased for him and sort of wonder why he's following me around on my off hours telling me this. I walk to the elevator and get in. It's very similar to the counseling room. That woman is there. I sit in a rocking chair, I insist. I say, "I need it." The woman is crying very dramatically about someone having died and left her. I don't want to hear anymore clients. Now the elevator gets stuck. Other people are on it. Someone is murdered in an adjoining room. No one knows who did it. The elevator, which was out of control, stops finally. A small man with grey hair pops out fast. I suspect him. Then another one, very similar, hops out of a panel near the door and runs out. Now it's a James Bond movie, like, we chase after, the crazy professor spy laughing and keeping up a steady chatter, the woman and I. The spy gets on a plane and 3 planes take off. I watch as the first one catches on fire and explodes, then the second and then the third. Now we are sort of survivors of that. It's snowing, like the North pole. Survival is difficult. My character, now male, puts his feet up on a hot stove, lights a cigarette lighter and has some hot coffee and food. "Fortunately," he says, "we have the means for survival. Too bad he's here," referring to the crappy professor who is setting up a sleeping bag. "He can stand anything as long as I don't touch his Mary." The professor echoes, "That I couldn't stand." The man, "or that other woman." Professor, "I could stand that, but I wouldn't like it." The man, "or...." Professor, "I could stand that..." on it goes.

2IOA, 1MOA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1MSA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0601

1960-1997

1984-11-05

F

YA

I have a 3rd grade class. We have taken out records, music and books from the library and are looking at them. It's a bit chaotic but manageable. I receive a gift from my brother Jake. It's a small record player. The tag says, "Rather than give the money to him, I'd rather give this to you." I think he meant tax money to the government. We are playing rectangular records. The kid helping me doesn't get it quite right. Time's up for class. They all straighten their desks and quiet down. They have big poster books open to a page of alligators. I shush them and then tell them I'm very happy, thrilled, and excited about their good behavior. I dismiss them.

1MKA, 1ISC, 2ANI

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0602

1960-1997

1984-11-05

F

YA

Looking for taxis in Mexico, maybe. I find a building with taxis in it. I can't decide which one to take. Each has a sign that tells where they go. Paulina, Ellie and I continue walking. I see they both have some candy they took. I tell them to take it back. "That is stealing!," I say. [BL]

2FKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0603

1960-1997

1984-11-08

F

YA

I am visiting someone, I think Thea. I'm on the porch. The neighbors are around. A woman is talking. She says she's the land lady of a place up the street. There is a young couple that can't afford the rent. She's willing to cut the rent in half if others are willing to help raise the rest of the money. They ask me to donate. I hem and hah and finally agree to chip in 1 dollar. My daughter Dovre agrees to add some change. Then the girls go out to collect more money. We take it and some food to a gathering. I am thinking, "Maybe I'll keep my dollar since it was my girls that raised the money," but I feel shamed and cheap and leave it in. At the gathering, there are lots of people. A principal of the school asks me to compare my daughter's school with my own. I say, "There's not much to compare. There was the 1950's and now there's the 1980's but they are blended together. They are the same in many ways!" It's time to leave, I can't find my shoes, or the bowl the fruit came in. Then we find both. Out in the street, a strange looking midget walks by. As I go into a house, I hear Dovre calling for her dad piteously like he's drunk and lost in the neighborhood. [BL]

1FKA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1FKA, 1MOA, 1MKA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0604

1960-1997

1984-11-10

F

YA

I am with a good-looking man. He and I have had some difficulty in the sexual part of our relationship. I feel a freeing feeling, exhilaration because now I want to make it work. I look forward to being sexual with him. Then we are in bed, but he's Uncle Wilbur. I'm feeling very disappointed. At first I feel, "Oh well, maybe it will work out," and then I feel the old, "Oh well, I'll just fake it again" feeling.

1MSA, 1MKA

HA D, SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0605

1960-1997

1984-11-10

F

YA

I'm very busy and I get a message that on Sunday I have to go to West Virginia because Howard's mother (Thea) died. I feel sad and sort of don't want to go because it will take too much time away from other things.

1MKA, 1FKA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0606

1960-1997

1984-11-11

F

YA

I'm in some group session, a facilitator. A woman rushes over to Eric and jumps on him. She wants to be affectionate and possibly sexual with him. Because he's blind, it startles him a great deal. He's scared. He throws himself face forward on the ground to protect himself. She is upset and angry because all she's got to contact is his back. She goes away. Eric sits up. There are tears in his eyes. He needs my support. He reaches over and envelopes me in a hug. The woman is crying too. She feels rejected. She's trying to pull Eric off me so she can be hugged by me. I tell her to wait. I say, "I know you feel badly and I want to help, but you have to understand. Eric's blind. You scared him. He needs me more." [BL]

1MOA, 1FSA, 1MKA

AP 1MKA, AN 1FKA, SD D, AN 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0607

1960-1997

1984-11-11

F

YA

Another dream with lots of hugs. A baby boy cries. I hug him and hold him. I feel protective of him from a woman who doesn't understand so much.

1MSC, 1FSA

b

Barb Sanders

0608

1960-1997

1984-11-12

F

YA

I am helping at a cafeteria style restaurant. I dish up the potatoes, mashed, the peas and the gravy. Some of the customers are impatient. They want the spare ribs and aren't interested in the side dishes. I tell them they have to get the side dishes first. After awhile, I run out of potatoes. It's time to clean up and leave. My man and I finish up and start to walk over to our quarters. We have our arms wrapped around each other tightly. It is affectionate togetherness. We walk in unison. Someone is thinking, "Aha! Love among co-workers. I didn't know they were a pair!" We go in to sit at a long table. My chair is broken. It has no seat and it's crowded up next to co-worker Jerome. I remove it to get another chair. Now it's bedtime. I go to my room. Now that I have a man, it is changed. A blue bedspread. The clothes are all picked up. The pink stand is on my side. I get into bed. He's already there. We cuddle.

1MSA, 2ISA, 1ISA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0609

1960-1997

1984-11-12

F

YA

I'm a Queen, maybe Elizabeth. I am visiting a country, probably Iceland. It's nearing the spring there. I must walk across the ice floor. It's dangerous. If I step on the wrong part, I'll slip in. Guards come with me to hold on to me and point the way. They place cardboards and pillows when I should step. I tell them, "My balance isn't good because of my ankles." Off we go. I nearly fall in several times. We get to the side where I sit in a chair at a table. It is sitting on the ice!

5FPA, 2MOA

b

Barb Sanders

0610

1960-1997

1984-11-13

F

YA

A small kitten follows me everywhere. It is intense! I am annoyed. It won't leave me alone. I decide it has to die. I put it in a cupboard and put a gas pellet in there. I notice there are some rabbits in there too. They are in plastic bags. I pull them out. The kitty is trying desperately to get out. I shut the door. After awhile, I notice that there is a white mist in the room and I realize that the kitten has put the gas pellet in my room. Coughing, we escape outside. Later, I hear that cousins Patricia and Terence are getting married. I am concerned, after all, they are already brother and sister. Then I think, "I guess it's O.K. They are really just cousins."

1ANI, 2ANI, 1FKA, 1MKA

AN D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0611

1960-1997

1984-11-13

F

YA

There is a Mexican general. We are in Mexico. He has the power. I am trying to work around him, hoping he won't notice me so much.

1MOA

b

Barb Sanders

0612

1960-1997

1984-11-14

F

YA

I'm teaching Spanish to a small group while the teacher is out. I create a long sentence and write it in English on the board. "The City of Springdale with clothes and things give me XXX." I am standing at the board asking the group to give me words in Spanish, la cuidad de Springfield, etc. I lament that I should never have chosen this sentence; it's too complex. I ask 3 women to tell me in Spanish what they see out the window. They do so. I don't understand all they say but I pretend to do so. I look out and I say, "Unhippie." Then, co-worker Tyler comes by wearing hippie clothes, rhinestones on his face, a moustache, etc. We talk. Then it's time to leave. We are all camping near by for the weekend. We step into the bathroom. A woman complains that when we turned on the water, it put cold water in her shower and she wasn't done yet! We go to the bathroom and then notice there is an organ in the room. Then we go outside to get into the VW bus. I get in and it's cold. The seats are like rocks inside a refrigerator. I am a passenger in the back. The driver is paralleling the ocean. We hear rock and roll. Someone says, "Johnny XXX is here." I'm glad. Then the driver drives into the ocean, paralleling the road. I say, "You're in the water. Is that safe?" She says, "Sure. I'm on the beach. No problem." We then are still in the car but are standing and running, our feet splashing on the water-soaked grass. I look up. A fat yellow woman is ahead. Even her nipples are yellow. We nearly crash. Now we are running along side the VW bus.

2ISA, 2FSA, 1MKA, 1ISA, 1FSA, 1FSA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0613

1960-1997

1984-11-15

F

YA

A surging electric sort of power comes from the mother on high. It is a blue light and it enters my body. I feel the surge and then I feel an orgasm.

1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0614

1960-1997

1984-11-15

F

YA

I'm at a hotel. I see some people perform. I go back to my hotel room to get my script. I find part of it. Then I realize some girls in the room next door destroyed my script. They are aiming a gun at me from a hole in the wall. It squirts water. I try to duck but I get wet. They are angry at me. Maybe I stole their man. I try to piece together the script. Someone says, "You can come on stage as my assistant." I am quite displeased. To just be an assistant? Then they suggest I can probably remember the script anyway.

2JSA, 1MSA, 1ISA, 1ISA

AN D, AN D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0615

1960-1997

1984-11-15

F

YA

I am a man, swimming in a river. There is danger. I swim and save Superman. We get to shore. Superman shoots arrows into the swarm of alligators that had been chasing us. He tells me I have been chosen to be the leader of a religion. I am to walk up a hill to my new temple and meet my bride. I do so but I'm uncertain. It's a steep hill and I find an old run down building. I guess it's not fancy because we are a primitive tribe and it's trying to blend in. The first floor is empty probably for meetings and dormitories. I go upstairs. It's the "church" part. On one wall is a row of small square windows letting in beams of light. The room is dark. I see the alter and feel great relief. The symbols of the god are similar to our tribal god. I go behind the alter and find a small crowded kitchen. A blond woman is working and I realize that is to be my bride. We are both embarrassed and kind of look each other over. An older woman is working too and she says she'll help out for awhile. I say, "Oh good and maybe you'll stay and do the work." She gives me an exasperated look and says, "I'm a woman and I do woman's work and I don't get paid. Everyone thinks I'll help out for free. I want to be paid." I say, "Oh, sorry! Sure."

5MPA, 2ANI, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA

AP 1FKA+D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0616

1960-1997

1984-11-15

F

YA

I'm riding a horse, galloping. Someone, maybe my father, says, "She sure is riding well." I'm surprised. When I get off at the end, I feel pain when I try to return. I can hardly get back on.

1ISA, 1MKA

CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0617

1960-1997

1984-11-16

F

YA

I'm angry at Lisa. She tells my brother Dwight to drive her to school. I tell her to wait and I'll take her to school. She ignores me and goes. My "step-mother" keeps spraying me with perfume. I am annoyed and I tell her to quit it! I tell her that I am what I am and I won't change. I dress casually and act informal. I'm still trying to get ready for school. Jake keeps squirting water at me. I'm annoyed at everyone.

1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JKA

AN D, AN D, AN D