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b | Barb Sanders | 0418 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-20 | F | YA | My Aunt Elaine and Grandma Agnes are the first of a number of relatives that are visiting me. I am wondering what I'm going to feed them. I look in my cupboards and find not quite a pound of hamburger. It won't be enough to make my old stand by, spaghetti. I am chatting with grandma who looks years younger. I ask her, "Don't you go to the United Methodist Church? We have one here, in my new neighborhood. There are lots of old women that have the same disease as me, but no one my age," I say sadly. Grandma starts walking to the store. I run after her, shouting to her and then haven't the courage to ask her to get me some more hamburger. I decide I'd better go get it myself, rather than ask for help. I am annoyed that I have to. It takes so much of my energy. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 2JSA | SD D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0419 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-20 | F | YA | Mort (a client) and the girls are at a table. Ellie and I talk. I really listen to her and understand her frustrations. A good feeling of rapport grows between us. There is some kind of danger and we need to hide, underwater in a bathtub. Ellie and Paulina are there and I'm helping them so they don't panic. We talk about how well they did after they come up. There is something about their mother who left them. Ellie is a little mad at her. | 1MKA, 2FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA | AN 1MKA, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0420 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-20 | F | YA | American has purchased reclaimed land from the sea. It ranges from Alaska to the tip of South America on the Pacific Ocean side. It's called "Tilla Lilly." I see a picture of it. It's bigger than Texas and Alaska combined! Much bigger! I am impressed. Then I say, "But oh, now the shape of the U.S. is changed to a square, I mean an oblong. How sad." | null | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0421 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-21 | F | YA | 2 other persons and myself are making something illegal. We are going to sell it for lots of money. Some people come and try to get the stuff away from us. One person comes and sniffs it to see if it's potent and starts to walk away with it without paying for it. I feel helpless; I want to stop them but I'm afraid to. Another person goes after them and asks for the money. I'm glad they did it. The person refuses to pay and gets arrogant. "So what are you going to do about it?" I pick up a small revolver and shoot the person in the neck. I feel badly but I feel better when I realize that it's a small bullet and will hurt them, but not kill them, .22 caliber. He gives us back the stuff. The one who went after the money feels sad because we'll always be in trouble or uptight because we're dealing with stuff others will always try to take away from us. I say, "No, that's silly! We can sell this, take the money and invest it, and let the money work for us." Then the mother of one of us comes for dinner. We hide the stuff and camouflage the gun. I put a tape cassette over it. The "mom" brings a good-looking young man. Someone cooks the dinner. Each serving is a lovely bouquet of cut flowers. It's too pretty to eat. I'm glad I've already eaten my dinner. [BL] | 2ISA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1ISA, 1ISA | HA D, SD 1MKA, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0422 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-22 | F | YA | At night, it's time to rest. I lay down on the ground. A lion jumps me. I shoot it. I can't tell if I've killed it because it's all dark. I decide to rest with my back to a rock. A rock over, hangs above me and I place sharp sticks in the ground all around me, so the sticks will get them before they get me. | 1ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0423 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-22 | F | YA | I'm in T City. I look out the window and I see huge white puffs of smoke and steam. Mt. St. Helens has blown. I see a white sky scraper in Dover that falls over. The awesome power of the volcano is approaching me at T City. I run to the sink to fill empty milk bottles with water before the shock wave hits. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0424 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-22 | F | YA | I'm talking to my father. I put out 2 cigs that are burning in an ashtray. I see my mother smoking. I ask my father, "How can that be?" He says, "Oh, once in awhile, she'll smoke one." I am reading a book and in the book is a story of the Sanders family. It talks about dreams we have. I am confused to find such personal stuff printed. "How did they know?" Dad is explaining it. I get a sense of understanding that I've made too big a deal about it; I've made it too mysterious. It's pretty matter-of-fact. | 1MKA, 1FKA | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0425 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-22 | F | YA | I'm trying to find the road to T City. I'm in the city but I can't find the way to the ocean and the farm. I stop and ask for directions. I ask an old woman. She tries to tell me but can't exactly remember. "This shopping center is gone now and that junction is changed now." She says something about Cleveland. I'm annoyed. If she'll just tell me where XXX Road is, I'll find the farm. I walk out and see my Uncle Wilbur. He's a psychic. I walk up to him. I say, "Hi, tell me how to get to your farm. I've forgotten!" He frowns and says, "What time is it?" I say, "A few minutes past 5." He frowns because I've asked him a question after work hours. He takes my hand to do a reading, even though he's annoyed with me. I'm annoyed at him too; I didn't want a reading, I just wanted directions to his home. He twitches and makes odd faces. He says, "Are you from Cleveland?" I say, "No! A woman just said that city, so it's fresh in my mind!" I am then a little impressed because how could he know that? He goes on. Then 2 women join us. One named Beth asks if we'd been together before in past lives. He holds our hands. We're in a circle and he starts twitching again. He and Beth have had lives together before and they talk about it. | 1FSA, 1MKA, 2FSA, 1FKA | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0426 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-23 | F | YA | A young woman (in house) announces her engagement. I am amused at her because she's carrying a scrap book for people to sign while she's telling people she won't accept the engagement. I point out her double message. She's so into her game she can't hear me. Then there is a class. Only 3 of us meet, she, her young man, and me. After each class period, I go stand in a corner to pee. I lift up the back of my skirt so no one sees anything (blue skirt from another state). The young man comes over to talk to me while I do this. I feel a little embarrassed but I'm pretty cool about it. I look at him and think, "What a good-looking man. What a shame he's such an idiot." I feel sad and a little jealous of the young woman. Now we are inside my green pickup truck (from another state). I see a little mouse peeking in. He's sitting on the outside mirror. I tell the young woman to let him in. He's been lost for awhile. As she opens the back door to go get him, I realize that it's actually a monkey and it's inside, so I tell her to hurry back in before she sneaks out. I coax him over to me. He sits on my lap. As I pet him, I realize that he's changed. He's half man, half monkey. A lot of his fur is gone and a soft human skin is there. Some magician did that. I pet him. It feels very sensual and nice. He watches me a lot. Then the young woman follows her young man into another room and hits him with a rolling pin! She is angry and yells at him and hits him. She's really chewing him out! He looks contrite and also grins like a mischievous imp. I walk in there, after putting the monkey aside. She's behind a partition and hands me a rolling pin to do the same to my young man. He comes in and I hit him a couple of times and in an angry tone of voice tell him not to play games with me. He laughs and says, "I'll leave and never come back." I have my back to him. I'm looking out the window and I feel very strong. I say, "Go right ahead. I won't come after you. I'm not going to play games." He's wavering now and stops teasing me. He walks up behind me to talk to me about it. | 1FSA, 2JSA, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1MSA | AP D, SD D, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0427 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-24 | F | YA | I'm trying to act with Mark H in wheelchairs. It is difficult but works out. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0428 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-24 | F | YA | A woman is eating her last supper because her husband is going to kill her. She has a plate full of nuts, almonds, filberts, walnuts, etc. She says it's her very favorite meal. I think it's a little strange. I go to talk to the husband. He's had a rough childhood. I follow him into his trailer. He's on a starvation kick. I offer him a salad. He laughs and leans back on the couch pillows. He's not interested. I notice that my blouse is unbuttoned and it's part way open. It's seductive and I notice I look like a boy that way. Now he's my husband and we're at some kind of fair. I am looking around and walk away from him for awhile. A man with glasses notices me and follows me. He wants to pick me up. I smile because he doesn't know I have a husband. I see a line of Santa Clauses getting ready to sing carols. I notice they are firemen dressing as Santas. I am approaching the boundary of the fair and I stand at a T crossroads contemplating which way to turn. I then leave and then come back to the fair. | 1FSA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 2MOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0429 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-25 | F | YA | I sitting in a bus with Pedro and others. He says, "I wouldn't be around disabled people except it's my job and I have to, so I make the best of it." I feel a little hurt but also glad to hear the truth. "Ah," I say, "I've felt that and it's nice to know that's true." It is a heavy and good emotional moment. It clears the air. A man driving the VW bus parks it. From where we are, we can see the beach and ocean. It's night. I sigh. Pedro says, "This is where my wife and I park and neck." I laugh and say, "Maybe we'll do that in a few days (because we're going to a conference together). He and I laugh together. It's a joke to ease any tension. Then I sigh and say, "I'd really like to go on the beach." I think about how hard it will be to walk. Then I'm sitting on top of the VW bus. Cory is going to drive it off a cliff. He's all happy because one doesn't have many opportunities to do it and it's fun and perfectly O.K. to do. I'm scared and as we fall; my stomach does flip flops. As we hit, the bus starts to roll over on its side. I hear Pedro and friends yell, "Roll away from it." I do so. I am unhurt. Cory gets his leg caught under the bus. I go quickly to him and gently pull his leg out. I feel the fear and guilt from the people on top of the cliff. I see that Cory only has a scratch and is O.K. I pat him and offer him my other pair of crutches. I signal "O.K." with both hands to the people on the cliff. Co-worker Josh is first one to arrive at the scene. I remember thinking, "Of course, he would." I feel a little annoyed at myself for having to be the one to signal O.K. I'm always taking care of others. | 1MKA, 2JSA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA | SD D, AN D, AP D, HA 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0430 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-25 | F | YA | I'm in a room with lots of other people. Something's wrong with my arm or leg. Therese (a hard of hearing student) plays nurse. She grinds up a Wright's Aspirin. I refuse to take it until I know what's in it. She's annoyed with me and I explain that I react badly to caffeine. She calls the doctor, a Japanese man, who'll come look at me later. I am playing patient, somehow. | 2JSA, 1FKA, 1MOA | AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0431 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-25 | F | YA | I'm going to a series of interesting classes and movies. Raul and I go to a movie. A woman directs the movie. I say, "Hey, this is live acting, not a movie!" Someone pulls a movie screen down so part of it is a movie, and part of it is live. Hank comes out to play the piano. I'm surprised. I didn't know he played the piano! The director asks me and the audience what kind of monsters we want. "Creepy crawly crabs or supermen monsters?" I say, "Oh! The crabs." I don't want to see supermen monsters! Raul and I leave and go to another movie. It's on the women's side so I have to sneak him in. He says he realizes that I'm right and he has much to learn. I feel glad he finally has stopped ignoring my worth. We are great friends and I help him. In one seminar, there is a discussion of nutrition. I ask them to repeat it. I missed it. Then George has to go to a class at an earlier time. He's upset at first and then agrees that it's a good learning experience. He laughs and says, "Well, think about the elderly people. They have to get on the train and go and they don't complain. I guess I can." The class is over and I am trying to read many interesting books on fascinating subjects. One is about the French psychology. I try to read two books at once. I feel sexual excitement and I try to button up my jeans. I feel an orgasm. | 1MKA, 1FSA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1MKA, 2JSA | CO D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0432 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-26 | F | YA | I'm training to box like a man. I listen carefully to my instructions from my teacher. I ask a couple of questions of my team mates. They sort of accept me and help me out. | 1IOA, 2MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0433 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-26 | F | YA | Cousin Terence has a newborn baby girl. I hold her. She's very beautiful and well-formed. She's also very intelligent and talks. I think it's quite remarkable that I can be privy to how a newborn thinks and feels. I hold her and we talk. My "sister" and "cousin" Darcy talk about when they were born. I try to remember their birthdays. Darcy's is XXX 3rd or so and my "sister's" is XXX the 15th. My "sister" explains that they were born with nearly half a brain. If you are born with just half a brain, you die. I see what looks like a water melon being chopped in half by a huge knife; however, they have a little more than half a brain. I am drawn to Terence's baby girl. I wrap her in a pretty blanket I knitted. I'm explaining things to her. | 1MKA, 1FKC, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0434 | 1960-1997 | 1981-04-27 | F | YA | I'm in a store, on the ground floor. I buy something. I go to the elevator and go up to the 3rd floor. I get out and realize that I really wanted the 1st floor all along. I go back to the elevator. I pick up things I had dropped. I have lots of dollar bills and change loosely hanging out of my pockets. I pick up crochet hooks, knitting needles, and yarn. My crutches are upside down, in a corner. As I get to 1st floor, I see Patsy. She wants to talk. At first, I don't really want to listen but then I don't mind helping out. | 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0435 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-02 | F | YA | I have 3 written messages for Tony W, Arvonne, and Maggie. They come to get them but I can't find them on the littered, unorganized surface of my desk. I finally find them and hand them out. Each note has instructions for them to do. Now it is time for me to go with Arvonne to the movies. She sells tickets and I think, "Maybe I'll do that." She gets there before me. I'm late because I couldn't find something. When I get to the door of the theatre, I think, "Oh well, she has the key. I could yell or honk my horn to get her attention but maybe I'll just forget it." Then someone lets me in. I need to find the tickets. I start digging around in my purse. It's a mess and I can't find anything. There is a sense of people waiting impatiently. I reorganize everything in my purse. It takes time but I feel better when it's done. Then the owner of the theatre, "Tom," comes up and says, "Well, where's your down payment?" I am surprised. I say, "What? I have to pay to get the tickets that I sell?" I realize I have no money. I say, "No one told me I had to have a down payment!" He smiles and waits. I then think, "Well, if it's going to cost me to get into ticket selling, then I'd better shape up and see this as an official job and do a good job." I get the tickets. It takes me a long time to get ready. I feel like I'm wasting valuable selling time. Then, I'm selling and making change. I start to put some $10 bills up my sleeve in a professional thief manner. I stop mid-movement, surprised that I'm doing it and think, "Why not? I need the money but I'm aware of "Tom" watching me. I'm worried about getting caught, so I don't do it but enviously watch all the money as it passes through my hands. I then start to put blue eye shadow on my right eye. It becomes darker than I had thought it would be. I start the second one, only I draw the shape of an eyelid on my left upper arm sleeve. It turns purple and I am surprised. "Tom" comes by and smiles and says, "Oh, that's cute." I change the purple to blue to match the other. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 1ISA, 2JSA | CO D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0436 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-02 | F | YA | Someone and I are offered beads to string for fun and profit. We made a baby rattle that's very cute. I try several other designs. Now I'm measuring on a map with a hairpin like device that is unbent. I can't make out the writing on the map but I see some water channels and locks and a bay. I see "Golden Gate" written on the bay. I get a feeling that we're sailing and decide it would be fun to stop off at the Golden Gate Bay before going on our journey east (incorrect numbering there are no dreams numbered 330-339). | 1ISA, 1ISC | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0437 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-01 | F | YA | I am very angry. I see my old diaries and journals and I'm aware that some people have read them without my permission. I say to them, "I am very angry. I trusted you." I feel their guilt and I feel somehow that it's at least partly my fault because I left them out unattended. I feel good to say I am angry. [BL] | 2JSA | AN D, AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0438 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-03 | F | YA | I'm in M City. It's time for graduation ceremonies. I get angry at Andrea and I swear at her. I tell her to fuck off because it's not necessary to be so rough on little babies. She signals that she refuses to be treated this way. I feel guilty that I don't find a nicer way of telling her but I also realize that the only way I'll get heard is to yell it out quickly. She isn't going to hang out and let me talk about it. I'm now driving my wheelchair through the streets of M City, down Main Street. I drive fast and nearly cause a wreck with a school bus. I go over railroad tracks. I then turn and go down the tracks for one block. I'm on gravel and I get hit in both eyes. A narrator tells how this is very common. I get on Main Street. I pass a cafe I used to frequent. Co-worker Tyler is in there. I feel like I'd like to go in there but I'm embarrassed to because I'm in the chair. I drive on by. I get to the high school. There are lots of stairs. Some woman asks if I need help. I say, "Oh maybe. If you stand at the bottom to block me if I get going too fast." I bounce down the stairs in my chair. Then I look for the woman's restroom. I go in. It's very crowded with lots of women and co-worker Josh and one other man. He says, "Well, after the 'women's' sign there was a little 'men's' sign." He reads things literally, so he came in. I feel shocked but try to act like it's quite normal. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2FSA, 1MSA | AN D, AP D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0439 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-03 | F | YA | I am Queen Mary. I have a woman secretary. I have a dream. The dream has a small image. It says, "Mary dances 28 times and draws a picture of a lounge area, a chair, 4 chairs around a table, with a napkin holder in the center, and a padded bar." I tell my dream to my secretary. She tells me about a person she knows who would like to take me out for a cup of coffee. As she is talking, I see a man in a green suit peeking around the corner. He then moves to sit near her. He says, "I hope you don't mind but I'm the one who would like to take you out for a cup of coffee." I smile at his naivete. I say, "My dear boy, where do you suppose the Queen of England could go for a casual cup of coffee? I would have to have at least 10 persons within visual contact of my body." He says, "Oh, I didn't think of that." I chuckle softly. He goes away. I then continue to work through the dream. I see a small printed box. I read the words. They are clear details from the dream. I read them to my secretary. "Frank G. Sinatra, Cary Grant," and a long list of other names. "Oh! Ingrid Bergman is listed as with Cary Grant." The secretary and I are very impressed with the clarity of the dream stuff. Then suddenly, I get an inspiration. I say, "Don't you see? Frank Sinatra, to the lounge, to your nephew wanting to take me out for coffee, to the sense of a James Bond movie I woke up feeling! It all fits." The secretary becomes upset. "Oh! My nephew," she says. "Does that mean you suspect him?" I nod yes and I suddenly realize that it goes one step further and links up with the secretary. She then realizes it and we look at each other, concerned, confused, and embarrassed. (Oh, I remember that when I read the list of stars and who was with them, me secretary said, "But how could you know that?" I said, "I didn't, not on a conscious level, but I must have heard it or read it sometime, everything goes into the unconscious and comes back up when it's needed." I felt very impressed at the workings of the unconscious mind). | 1FPA, 1MSA, 1MPA | AP 1MKA, AP 1FKA+D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0440 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-05 | F | YA | I am a young man. I am going down in the basement with my girlfriend. Her mother disapproves and frowns at me. She is sure that we'll have sex and play around. She can't stop me though. I smile at her stupid narrow-mindedness. We go down a long flight of stairs. I see lots of packages of Big Red gum. I take a piece and say, "Oh, now that is Big Red." We enter the family room that is the model of preparedness for company, a T.V. in every corner, snacks, etc. We go further down. We are alone. The man leaves. I feel like he'll never come back. He/I do. I'm sliding downstairs on my tummy and I get sucked into a narrow channel and I feel like I'm choking. I'm surrounded by a suspicious girl's vomit. I pull up out of it. My girlfriend is very glad to see me and angry at me for leaving and afraid to show her emotions to me. I think, "Silly girl." I pull her outside. I've got one arm around her in a hug. I show her several presents. One is a small box that has the engagement and wedding rings in it. She ferrets it out and is deliriously happy. I am the girl and I feel so relieved and happy. He does love me. I'm safe. Then there is danger. A man in costume is evil and accidently randomly seems to be killing me. I yell at him to stop it. I explain to him how he's hurting me. I beg with him. He just keeps coming. Finally, I have to hit him with a stick. I go for the face and then the groin area. There are no genitals, just a mushy round spot. That makes him back off. He allows me to escape. He's laughing. I run up the stairs and feel fear that he's pursuing. I get to the top and out the door. I see crowds of Mexican people and I realize that I'm in Mexico without papers. They'll catch me and put me in jail. I'm glad of that but I'm more afraid an evil one will pursue me. I look for a security guard. I find one. As I walk up to his table, I see an ornate wooden bowl. He wears a ceremonial mask. I explain my story. He nods and says, "Go and sleep until morning. The Divine Grace will see you then." I am worried and I say, "No, you don't understand. I'm in danger." He nods and smiles paternally. He says, "Even as you say the words, The Divine Grace hears and acts on them. Go until morning." I realize this is so and I go, relieved. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 2JSA | HA 1FKA, AP 1FKA, HA D, AN 1FKA, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0441 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-05 | F | YA | There are two men, one is older, like Morgan and one is younger. They find me. I had left them before. I leave them again. I go to college. I am an artist that chose not to use my professional status to get a good spot at school. I ask for a male teacher, and then I connect with another woman artist and together we create really beautiful art. We compliment and complete one another. | 1MKA, 1MOA, 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0442 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-06 | F | YA | I'm driving through Dover. There is lots of traffic. I'm looking for 5-D which is the freeway. I see an enormous blue house with many stories and lots of windows. There are jewelry displays in every window. I stop and look. I go inside. I don't see any I really want. A woman asks if there's anything I particularly want. I say, "No." A cute little cocker spaniel puppy comes frisking up to me. I think it's adorable. I pick it up and pet it and cuddle it and put it up on my left shoulder like I did Muffin Cat. I think, "I'll take him home with me." I walk out with him on my shoulder. As I get to the edge of the lawn I think, "Wait! This means I'll have to take care of him. He'll wet on my carpet. I can't just leave him for a few days, no, I don't want that responsibility." I put him down. He's so cute and hard to leave but I do. I notice his nose looks like a cat's. I go to grandma Mildred & grandpa Lloyd's "new" house and I go inside. I'm now in the bedroom and my mother's in one bed, and my father's in another. I crawl in bed with my mother. She's angry and kicks me out. I land with a thud on the floor. I'm surprised. I crawl back in and she kicks me out again. I get angry. I yell at her. I tell her off. "To hell with you! I don't need this! I can't stand people that are all locked in and can't show their emotions!" She glares at me and says, "I know. Me too. I've long not liked that in you." I gasp and say, "Well, where do you think I learned it from? You!" She's hurt. I feel guilty. I keep on yelling though. My father comes in and tells me not to yell at my mother. I feel hurt and angry. I say, "I'll leave!" Then I look out the bedroom window and I see a pretty lake. My grandparents have a small wooden deck right on it. I see their tea cups out there. I think, "How like Elliot to always have a place near water. I envy them and that spot. It's quiet and meditative. I go looking for Dwight. I find him and say, "I've been kicked out and I'm leaving! Do you want to ride back with me or not? It doesn't matter either way." He says, "Well, when are you leaving?" I say, "Right away. Maybe I'll wait l/2 an hour." He grimaces and says, "Oh, I thought I'd stay for a day or two and just see the sights here in Dover." I feel compelled to get back to E City, because that was my original plan. I realize that I have no real need to be back, and I think of how much fun it would be to relax for awhile, but I'm still pulled toward E City. I waver. | 1FSA, 1ANI, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA | CO D, AN D, AN 1FKA, AN D, SD D, AN D, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0443 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-06 | F | YA | The T City house. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0444 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-08 | F | YA | I am waving good-bye to a very dear friend. The distance between us is growing. I make the "I love you" sign with each hand and wave them at her. I feel bereft, alone, separated, and sad. Later, I am reunited with a friend. It is intense. It is a need. He and I just can't be apart. As we are reunited, a baby lunges across the water and throws itself at us in a sense of desperation. The baby needed us so badly, that she/he "walked on water," which is a miracle. One knee got wet. We are all so happy clinging to one another. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1ISC | SD D, HA 1FKA+D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0445 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-08 | F | YA | Mabel is trying to bring Andrea and I back together. We are sitting at a table together in a meeting. Mabel stands up and starts to announce how we've been having difficulties. Both Andrea and I get embarrassed and angry and tell her to leave us alone. During the course of the meeting, we have to talk to each other and I smile and look her in the eye, being open to reconciliation. She continues to be cold. I smile at that too. How typical of her. | 1FKA, 1FKA | AP 1FKA+D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0446 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-08 | F | YA | I'm at Mabel's house. They have offered to let me live with them for awhile. I'm trying to look up the name of the class I'm going to register for. I see "Side Role Stereotypes" and "Marriage." I can't find the right information. I get angry at her for offering to help and then not being any help. I say, "Huh! You said you could offer me alternative veggie foods, and a non-smoking, caring environment." She shrugs and looks helpless. Her husband comes in and says, "I've got a job in Bermuda. Let's go." I groan, "I have class. I can't go!" He says, "Well, go to your class and come later. Just drive there, but be sure not to take a boat. Of all the places where you take a boat, this is the one you shouldn't." I am surprised one can take a road and drive there. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MSA | AN D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0447 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-09 | F | YA | I'm getting ready to go somewhere. I'm doing up the dishes, taking many pills, and hoping I took the right ones and not too many. Muffin Cat has swallowed a clock and is ticking like captain Hook's crocodile. Things are messy and not quite right, out of sync. I am looking at an old photo album of my mother that I've never seen before. There are lot of pictures. Her father looks like Clyde, my father's stepdad, and a little like Jared. They had bought swampland. There's lots of muddy water covering bike paths. One photo is of my mother and Clyde standing neck deep in one mud hole. Lots of leather, and a sense of money that got lost later. My mother's graduation picture. She says, "See, Jackie Gleason, a fine poet and the world's worst comedian and look what he got famous for, how ironic." | 1ANI, 1ANI, 1FKA, 5MPA, 1FKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0448 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-12 | F | YA | A school bus going down a hall. We come to a stop because a hot wire is down and it's sparking. If we touch it, zap! We carefully back up and get out of the danger zone. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0449 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-13 | F | YA | I'm getting ill so my father will take care of me. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0450 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-13 | F | YA | I'm talking on a tape recorder at a woman's request. We had met briefly at a conference and she likes people she meets to talk and give feedback. 3 men talk first. I'm impressed that she can attract so many. Then I start to describe our meeting. I tell how she was on a bus (in the driver's seat). My 2 sons and I (Ricardo and Rigo) get on the bus. The older son deliberately throws a fit and acts in ways that cause several women to think I'm a bad mom. Vivian, however, wasn't snowed, so I liked her for that. Then I'm holding the young one on my back, with his blanket wrapped around him. He's asleep and I'm pacing to keep him asleep. As I pace, I look down at my feet and notice how well I'm walking and then as I watch, I slow down and mid-step, I'm unable to go on. I am amazed at how delicate the process all is. As I talk on the recorder, I see a cardboard that is really a space ship. I want to go. Someone says, "You can go," and wraps the cardboard around me. I am reading the directions around me. I mustn't read so many books. I should deal with people and experiences more. | 1FSA, 2MSA, 1MKA, 1MKC, 1ISA, 1ISA | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0451 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-15 | F | YA | I'm in my chair. I see a steam vent growing into a volcano. There are 5 of them. One is right at the edge of the ocean. I sit within 3 feet of it. I am annoyed that I would sit that close to danger. Then Ginny, Ernie, and I go down the road. We stop at a store. They go in. I wait. They come out and I see by their faces that they are angry and holding it in. I say, "Ah, you two need to have some space alone so you can argue it out and get over it." I then suggest that I leave. Ginny however says, "I'll go get your syrup first," and goes off. I start to protest, "It's O.K., deal with this. Don't bother with that errand," but she's gone. I ask Ernie, "What happened?" Maybe it will be helpful if he talks it out. He tells how one small incident lead to another and built up into a big deal. I try to point out that it wasn't really all Ginny's fault but he still can't see that, so I realize that I'd better let them work through it. She comes back. I look at the syrup and feel hesitant to say anything, because it's the wrong kind. It has sugar in it. I hesitantly tell her, and she feels badly. She goes to exchange it. She comes back. They won't talk about the incident. I encourage them to. Something about grandma Mildred and grandpa Lloyd in their house and then something about a baby that needs to be returned, he/she got lost. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1ISC, 1MKA | AN D, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0452 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-16 | F | YA | I have attracted the interest of a very wealthy man. I am a quad in a chair. He has a Cadillac convertible limousine. He puts me in the back seat with him. He asks me, "How do you like it?" I laugh and say, "But it's soo big!" A black man is the chauffeur. The rich guy smiles and says, That way you have room for all your friends." He says, "I got this car for you because I don't want you to have to drive." I laugh and say, "Oh ho! Well, let me tell you, I will too drive. I'll buy a van with hand controls with my own money." He looks upset. I say, "Well, that doesn't mean I'll ever drive it, it just means I have to power to do it if I want to. That's called independence." I look at the black man who is driving and we exchange meaningful glances at my word independence and being in a southern city. "In fact," I say, "people have been known to fight wars over this very issue!" We're now walking down a boardwalk where very poor black people live and we can see into their tiny rooms where they are terribly overcrowded. I comment that a part of one drawer is each persons private area and they would kill to preserve that privacy. As I talk, we walk past people who pee on the sidewalk. One woman pees on my leg. I am annoyed with the odor and wish I had thought to walk around behind her instead of in front of her. | 1MSA, 1MEA, 2JSA, 1FSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0453 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-19 | F | YA | A road is quickly laid down on a hill. I see the coarse gravel and rocks quickly smoothing out. I see the tar poured over it. I start to walk on the new road. I say in my dream, "Oh, it's now hard and can support my weight," but it's not. I see my feet prints in the new tar. The road is slipping. There are printed words and marks on the road and they are slipping so they don't match up. I roll off the edge to take my weight off the road until it hardens. As I lay to the side, a woman lays behind me and she must hold on to me because if she doesn't, she'll slide over the edge. She grabs a hold of my breasts and hangs on. I turn away from her and I feel an orgasm. It feels faint, and far away. I am aware that the orgasm has nothing to do with the fact that the woman is physically close to me but has to do with the biological needs of my body. | 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0454 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-19 | F | YA | I see a dead rabbit. It is partially skinned. I see a passive smile and the eyes have been removed so I won't have to see it on my plate, like a fisheye. It is Peter Rabbit. | 1ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0455 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-21 | F | YA | Aunt Naomi, my mother and I are sitting at a table. Aunt Naomi is talking about past lives. I see someone changing right before my eyes. They are half-animal, a monster. I scream. Then I want to see mine. I stand up and look in a mirror. At first, I see a green face. It is ugly. Then I see an animal face, all hairy and coarse. Then I see rapid changes, like a fast chronicle of lives passing. I was a beast, a prostitute, a courtesan, and a nun in WW II. That was my last life before this one. This life is a life of transition from body, sex and egocentricity to spirituality, spiritually oriented and religious. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 7ISA, 8ISA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0456 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-21 | F | YA | Someone steals my wheelchair, the new neighborhood boys who live in apartment #9. They laugh at me. I feel angry. I run after them. I feel angry because I can't run well and they know it, so as I chase after them, I feel embarrassed, trapped, and manipulated. Then I notice I can run very well! I catch up with him and hop up in his lap. He laughs. I grab his glasses off his face and say, "Give me back my chair or I'll bend your glass frames until they break." At first, he laughs because he doesn't think I'll do it. As I start to do it, he believes me. I feel badly because I almost really break them. I take my chair back to my van. I notice someone's pushed very close to it. My brother Jake says, "See, if you move your van, then you have room." | 2MKA, 1MKA, 1ISA, 1MKA | AN D, AP D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0457 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-22 | F | YA | I'm in Vietnam. 2 others and myself are defending ourselves. We form a triangle; we lay pieces of sugarless gum out to guard us. Hordes of soldiers come at us. We fire. I shoot down many helicopters. I get skilled at where I'm to aim in order to shoot off their propellers. A sense of danger and trusting the other 2 to do their share and protect my back, as I'm protecting theirs. Then I have a bag of diamonds and a bag of gold. I change my clothes from beautiful to plain so no one will know I have these riches. I am sneaking off with them. | 2MSA, 2MOA, 2MOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0458 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-22 | F | YA | A party. Co-worker Josh stands between 2 pianos and says, "I'm thinking (fantasizing). I'm singing now." I smile and say, "Ah, but I'm the real singer." I replace him between the pianos. I note that one is the old one and one is the new one. Lydia and my mother are preparing the party. They release little golden canaries in the room. I think, "They are sure pretty. I hope they don't get eaten or poop on the guests." The punch is red and lumpy. Lydia tastes it and says, "Yuck. The part where the eyes aren't cooked tastes terrible!" I try it gingerly. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0459 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-23 | F | YA | A man picks me up out of my wheelchair. I tell him, "I'm not paralyzed," and yet, I let him pick me up. | 1MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0460 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-31 | F | YA | A large man with large hands and head like my grandfather Lloyd in body shape, but my age, loves me. I love him and I'm very surprised that I do. I tell him he's not the type I've been dreaming about for years. He's quiet, strong, sure of himself and emotionally supportive. I am very drawn to him but I'm afraid because I might soon get bored with him and then become attracted to another man who is adventurous, rich, and handsome. Then, I become very aware that this quiet man is exactly what I need; that there is challenge, risk, and adventure in inwardly, introspective ways. We hug. I kiss him. He puts his penis in my vagina. I help him and then I'm embarrassed because we're standing up, fully clothed and in a hallway. People could easily see us. I tell him this. He pulls back and apologizes. He says he's sorry. He just loves me so much that he couldn't wait. Then he says he knows how wrong he was. I feel like dismissing all my former bad thoughts about his actions. I do so. Later, we are making love. It is wonderful. Then doors need to be shut to keep out the upsurge of the ocean, so we want doors. I rush and shut the doors and I feel fear that it will get in anyway. An equal relationship in both of us loving each other. I feel a tremendous sense of security and relief. Finally I love someone and he's right for me. | 1MKA, 1MSA, 2JSA | CO D, AP D, HA D, AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0461 | 1960-1997 | 1981-05-31 | F | YA | A group of people compliment me on my good work on "Barb's Follies," and nonchalantly tell me they would like me to create another one on June 5...3 or 4 days away. I call for volunteers. No one shows up to help me. I feel frantic and put upon. I voice my disapproval but still I try to do what has been asked of me. Rhonda comes in. A group of nurses are around a table (or park and rec students). One says to me, "Do you have a zip lock sandwich bag?," and then realizes I wouldn't because I'm not one of them. I'm disabled. | 2JSA, 1FKA, 2FOA, 1ISA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0462 | 1960-1997 | 1981-06-11 | F | YA | A man comes into my house and rapes me. I fight viciously and brutally. I feel intense rage. I think, "It's not just the forceful entry, it's being trained to be passive and to allow men to manipulate us." | 1MSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0463 | 1960-1997 | 1981-06-11 | F | YA | I feel intense rage at Howard. I take the children away from him. | 1MKA, 2ISC | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0464 | 1960-1997 | 1981-06-11 | F | YA | I keep waking up feeling like there are 3 areas of change, and men need to respond to those changes. | 2MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0465 | 1960-1997 | 1981-06-11 | F | YA | I volunteer to help a friend through surgery, lots of us do. I am part of a bucket brigade that holds a bucket near the hole in her head (where they are operating), and carries the putrid pus and blood away to be poured down the sink. | 1FKA, 2JSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0466 | 1960-1997 | 1981-06-11 | F | YA | I am being asked to sing. I say, "I'm afraid." My friend (maybe Ginny) says, "Here, wear this," and hands me a pretty black, lacy scarf. She looks at me and says, "You are a lady! Act like one!" I feel proud of my new image. It feels "new born." I look lovely. We walk out, hand in hand to the stage. Ginny then cries out, "Oh! I'll cry if Rachel loves you." Her feelings are hurt because Rachel loves her. I say, "Now, I don't think she's in love with me." Ginny says impatiently, "Oh, one never knows. Only the person in love knows. You can't control that." [BL] | 1FKA, 1FKA | AP D, SD 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0467 | 1960-1997 | 1981-06-23 | F | YA | Desmond and I are tap dancing. It is hard because of my ankles, but I am able to do the basic steps. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0468 | 1960-1997 | 1981-06-24 | F | YA | Brian has made miraculous improvements. He has muscle strength, and now he speaks clearer. I am very pleased. I lay down in his wheelchair with him. He holds on to me and hugs me desperately. I start to get up, but his need is so great just to cuddle with someone, so I stay. His nurse or attendant, whom I had hired, is shocked and threatens to quit her job. I talk to her and help her understand that nothing bad happened. I just gave him some basic affection. She agrees to stay. I feel relieved. I think I was reassuring myself as much as her. Later, Brian walks in, leaning on others. I start applauding, and others join in. There is feeling of joy. | 1MKA, 1ISA, 1FKA, 2ISA | HA D, CO 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0469 | 1960-1997 | 1981-07-15 | F | YA | A Columbine flower. I must eat its poison berry to get well. A newborn baby girl is handed to me. I love it and I feel very happy. It's wrapped in a pink blanket. It has brown, thick, curly hair with reddish highlights. I caress it and exclaim, "How nice! Look Ellie, now there are two of you with the same hair coloring and two blondes." Then we're in a trailer house/camper and it's tumbling over and over. I protect the baby by making a circle with my arms and holding my body around her. I am concerned for her safety. [BL] | 1FSC, 1FKA | HA D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0470 | 1960-1997 | 1981-07-16 | F | YA | I am teaching a young girl princess to act. The scene is a couch. It's a seduction scene. I tell her that the night before a performance, I go to the theatre and look at the stage and visualize the performance. The girl asks me if I like her. I say, "Yes." I do like her. She is glad because she thought I didn't. We're done rehearsing and we start back. She rides with me in a go-cart wheelchair. We come to some stairs. I say, "We have to get out and walk down the stairs." Then I say, "Wait here, I have to go talk to someone." I ask permission to talk to Jim E. His secretary says, "O.K., but his assistant is with him." I say, "Fine." I go in. They (he and his wife), are in the process of going bankrupt (his wife's business). As I listen to them, I think, "Why didn't I do it that way?," (Jim E had suggested that each salesman be given part payment in cash). I don't remember why I want to talk to him. | 1FSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1MOA | HA 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0471 | 1960-1997 | 1981-07-23 | F | YA | Humphrey Bogart is my husband. I am Lauren Bacall. He calls me "Baby." We are in a car. A boy lays down on the road. We see him and don't back up over him. He runs away up some cement stairs to his parents. We follow so we can meet the parents and tell what happened. We meet them. The woman is a black woman, and the man is white. I say, "Oh, how coincidental. My husband (Bogart) is black and I am white. We were meant by fate to meet and get to know each other. | 1MPA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 2JSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0472 | 1960-1997 | 1981-08-04 | F | YA | I am at the beach with my girls. They are distant form me. I see Ellie has on revealing clothes. I call to her to get her to change. She ignores me. Paulina refuses to cooperate and help clean a room. I'm picking up rocks, crystals, and gold and eating some of the gold ones. A plane (bi-plane WWI) flies over, very low, and does barnstorming tricks. It dives very low and then at the last second, it pulls up and narrowly misses the trees. On the second try, it can't go high enough fast enough. I have been enjoying watching but I knew he'd not make it that time. He was too daring. He flew the plane into the ocean, he keeps going even though he's under water. I want to see; I am thrilled and fascinated. I get in my van ( and I'm in my wheelchair), and drive to a little beach to see him. A man says I can't see him there. I'm a tourist. A woman in a wheelchair sits at my left. She thinks I'm part of the "family" and she says she's part of the "Jan" set. The man goes to her and is suspicious. He says he didn't recognize her in the chair. I go on my way, walking. I wonder if they're surprised that I walk. I go to class. It's on the beach at sunrise. I watch a class start in the ocean but it's too cold for them. I think it's funny. I think my teacher is egocentric and has an elevated opinion of himself. I see a list of books on classes. I'm not sure what class I'm in but I get impatient for it to start. I say, "When does class start?" I wake up with the phrase "Summer school is about to begin!" | 2FKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 2JOA, 1FSA | HA D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0473 | 1960-1997 | 1981-08-10 | F | YA | A black man, powerful, with a fist and a pointing finger in place of his head, pointed at white man pretending to be a jiving black man. He pointed at him and said in a very powerful voice, "Don't mess with the L." It was so strong that the jiver fell to his knees clutching the belt of the big guy and stammered. "No, I won't. I promise." He was thoroughly impressed with the strength of the statement "Don't mess with the lady!" | 1MSA, 1MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0474 | 1960-1997 | 1981-08-12 | F | YA | I go to a crystal ball reader. He's late so I go into the room to wait. I go peek in the ball. I'm curious. It is clean. I see nothing. I want to though. I sense the reader smiling to himself. I'm not supposed to look into the crystal ball but he knew I'd try. As I leave, I am reading a newsletter. The reader has published my story. He tells of my back history, disease, marriage, and mistaken beliefs, but points out how changed I am now, how good and smart and neat I am. I am embarrassed but also glad. It's about time I get recognized for my positive side. Ginny comes in and mentions I owe a penny here and there on past postage. I am embarrassed and say, "Yes, I meant to pay that but I just put it off. I'll do it." [BL] | 1MOA, 1FKA | AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0475 | 1960-1997 | 1981-08-28 | F | YA | Leonard Nimoy and I are climbing a snow covered mountain. There are dangerous avalanches high up. I see them as small and far away and feel some anxiety about it coming too close. I stand on a large bridge high up over a huge and deep river. I say, "At least here I am safe." Then I say, "Unless of course, there are earthquakes." Someone says, "You don't have to say that!" Leonard and I go on. I see a room. It is a secret room for Leonard. I look in the window and I see metal boxes and things. Leonard is married. I follow him into the room. I think, "He is a renaissance man." I am drawn to him because of his excellent skills in thinking, creativity, art, etc. As I go in, Leonard has placed himself in a metal thing which clamps his head painfully. It's small like he has to curl up like a baby to fit in it. I watch and feel sad for his pain. I turn to go out the door. He says, "No! Shut the door and lock it. Make sure the cat doesn't get out, a large black cat." I hesitate and then do so because his need for me to do that is very strong. I wait wedged into a corner near the door. Then he grows long legs that pop out of the machine. Then he gets out of the machine. He is very tall. He leans over to embrace me and then shrinks as he falls to his knees and places his head on my breasts and hugs me closely. I comfort him. He stands up very tall and hugs and kisses me. We go lie down to make love. | 1MPA, 1ISA, 1ANI | AP D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0476 | 1960-1997 | 1981-08-28 | F | YA | I am driving a car but I'm sitting in the back seat, reaching over into the front seat. Lucy is steering (she is blind). I have control of start/stop. She has control of direction. I see for her and tell her how to turn. I am feeling anxious because we could have an accident. I am driving in the snow. I want to turn right. She doesn't turn in time. We go on too far and then swing around just in time. The tire tracks look like Irish fisherman knit patterns on the snow. | 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0477 | 1960-1997 | 1981-08-28 | F | YA | I audition for a play. I do well. I start to leave thinking I didn't do so well and some woman finds me in a crowd and says, "Come up and audition some more." I follow her up to the stage. I do a show. It is well received. | 1FSA, 2JSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0478 | 1960-1997 | 1981-09-09 | F | YA | A frightening dream. I went to a party. Everyone is drinking, laughing, and frenetic. I hesitate to join them. They swirl around me, encouraging me to join them. Darryl sits across from me. He teases me and says something about a girl he used to know. I feel the same old distance from him (placed by him). I call him Howard and feel embarrassed. A lot of people disappear. The party seems to have moved on down the street, maybe to Aunt Elaine's house. I belatedly want to join them now. I drink some wine. I feel slightly high. Instead, I end up in my living room. An Uncle and a cousin are there. I greet them. I laugh at my cousin because he carries a rifle on his shoulder everywhere he goes. I say, "How silly, you are getting carried away." A man then appears at the door. He's smiling gently and wants me to join the party. I feel a desire and a fear to go. There is some danger to me if I go. I clutch my cousin and say, "Look at my hand. See the bullet wounds?" He looks. He says, "There is poison here, you've been poisoned." The man beckons me to come to the party. I realize then that they've gotten their poison into me, but not quite enough. I still can resist. I say, "I don't want to be a part of your project." It is hard for me to say because the drug makes me want to go. I say it several times and he just stands there waiting for me, because he knows the drug is powerful. I'll be sucked into another being like in the invasion of the body snatchers. I run to my "dad" and plead with him, telling him I don't want to, and to please help! I'm trying to but I'm growing weaker. "Please help me!" He doesn't respond to me other than to weakly smile at me to acknowledge that he has heard me. I grab my cousin, who before I had seen as weak and silly and cling to him, hugging him hard, hanging on like he was my anchor to that room. Then a fat lady, mostly naked is dancing at a party. Her husband picks her up off the floor and makes love to her. He is detached, fully clothed, and his back is to me. She is fully exposed. I see her vagina. I see her face clearly. A prim blonde woman sits rigidly beside them. I am shocked. This is on T.V. After he's done, the man sticks a fat piece of paper in the blonde woman's mouth. She is disgusted. It's a symbol of a large penis. Her red lipstick forms an "o" around it. Then I am upstairs in my bedroom. I wake up from a nightmare. I run downstairs, crying, "The little men are inside my stomach!" I'm crying. My Uncle or grandfather soothes me. He says, "No, it isn't possible. I've been barricading the stairs for you all night." I am not comforted. I go back upstairs. I sit on the bed and hug my nanny. She is an old square robot, and not very sophisticated. I ask it, "Why aren't there any nice men for me?" It says, "Look, there are," and shows me two of them (on a screen on its chest). I say, "But if I take them, what will be left for my brother!" Nanny laughs and shows me many women for Dwight. I am still worried. Then I'm at a dance, watching the musicians. One can't find his banjo. Then he finds it and sees that something has eroded the outside. I realize that what ever "they" touch, corrodes like that and that "they" are there. I turn and the man is standing there, smiling. He says, "It's so close. We almost had you." I try to resist. | 2JSA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1MKA, 1MKA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0479 | 1960-1997 | 1981-10-31 | F | YA | I had two dreams about Michael. Both times he sat a short distance from me with his back to me. Then he moved closer and sat very near but not touching. I shyly reached out and rubbed his foot with my foot. I wanted us to be closer but I didn't make any moves to make it happen. | 1MKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0480 | 1960-1997 | 1981-11-09 | F | YA | A man and his friend are going to steal a giant roll of toilet paper. The man sneaks into a room. He calls to his friend to help as he starts to back out of the room. The door opens and he backs right into a tall, large guy who wears black, thick-framed glasses. The big guy backs the man into the wall and starts to French kiss him. The man is paralyzed with fear. I want him to run away but everything is frozen. His friend hops into a large pair of overalls to try to help the man get away. | 1MSA, 1MSA | AP 1MSA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0481 | 1960-1997 | 1981-11-09 | F | YA | I am in bed with my brother Dwight and my father. Dwight lays with his arm across my breasts. It is sensual, pleasant, and relaxed. Then he says, "No, I will want more. This is incest." He rolls over on his stomach and lies rigid, not touching me. My father, on the other side of Dwight, raises up and yawns. He says he's going to go have lunch now. My mother is in another room. She comes in frowning. | 1MKA, 1MKA, 1FKA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0482 | 1960-1997 | 1981-11-15 | F | YA | The telephone repair men are walking in the front door. They are annoyed. I am in the kitchen with Judy S. and another woman, cooking hamburgers and franks. Hector and Preston are in the living room. We are having a quarrel. The telephone repair man interrupts our quarrel and asks if I can find a piece of wood for him. I say, "I'll look in the car." I go outside. There are many repair men out there, dressed in blue, holding blue wires. I go to the car, a blue station wagon. Blue sexy dresses (lacy, soft night gowns), are hung on the back of the car. I look. There's no wood. I gather up the nighties to take in before anyone steals them. A girl with me has tried to steal the sexiest, most feminine one. I ask for it and she returns it. Then I say, "The wood is probably in my workshop." I walk around the right of the house to the back. There is a steep set of stairs to the basement, a large old house, like a mansion. I have recently inherited it from my grandmother Agnes. As I step on the stairs to go down, I am suddenly afraid of falling. I hang on tightly to the rails and look carefully at where I put my feet. I see a set of Britannica Encyclopedias on a shelf to the left. I then go down the stairs. I see 4 or 5 grand pianos and organs like in a music store. I turn right and go into the workshop. There are many drawers full of forgotten riches and junk. I think, "I must go through all of this stuff. Some of it will be useful and enjoyable." I start opening drawers, and I find dishes, silverware, repetitions of items and paintbrushes. I find one that is the correct size of wood handle for the repair man and he goes away. Now Ginny and I are looking around. I find my old piano lesson books, color coded. I put them into a correct order. Then I find a record of my lessons on the piano. The date is 1956. I figured I was 12 years old. I am interested in looking through the book. I see lines of color. Clear color means O.K. Red means a mistake is corrected. I see only a few reds. There are lots of light greens and dark greens in the left hand position. I try to find out what that color means. | 2MOA, 1FKA, 1FSA, 2MKA, 1FSA, 1FKA, 1FKA | AN 1MKA, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0483 | 1960-1997 | 1981-12-01 | F | YA | A phrase, "The War's Over." I am a Queen. My hair is combed to look like roses. I see my bed in a field. War planes are taking off right over it. I think, "How sad." She/I can't sleep well this way. I see a stage now. A famous opera singer/dancer performs. Her face is cold, emotionless. A light is around her. She's seen even in a crowd. I'm now a princess. The Queen on my left and I walk down the stairs to the stage. It's a formal ceremony to honor the singer. I put my hand out to rest it on the Queen's arm and then I remember that rank-wise, it is for her to do. We reverse and she puts her hand on my arm. I think to myself as we walk slowly down the stairs, "The singer had better appreciate this." She doesn't. She is very haughty. | 1FPA, 2JSA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0484 | 1960-1997 | 1981-12-01 | F | YA | I'm doing dishes. The crusty stuff won't come off. I am annoyed at myself for not just letting the dish soak. Bonnie pours water into a plant. It comes pouring out the bottom and all over. I get mad at her and she gets mad at me. | 1FKA | AN D, AN D, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0485 | 1960-1997 | 1981-12-02 | F | YA | The stray kittens plead for food. They are very hungry. I feel badly for them. I look in the refrigerator. I find some sugar cakes and some cheese. I am dressing up to go out on a date. It's a conservative outfit, but as soon as I'm out the door, I'll readjust the front and it will be very sexy. There's a bruise on my neck. I have a belt around my neck and then I put it around my waist. My kids watch. I go outside, stairs. I say, "Where's the elevator?" They say, "No problem. You can go up the stairs." I am annoyed. It will be painful. I go up one flight. Then I sit down and say, "No, I'll go in the elevator. These stairs don't go where I want anyway." (they went back doors). I see penguins that live on the stairs. If radio activity gets bad, they die and then we know. Some lie down dead. [BL] | 2ANI, 2ANI, 2ANI | SD D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0486 | 1960-1997 | 1982-01-11 | F | YA | I'm standing in an open field. It's the safest place. No trees can fall on me, etc. There are many space crafts in the air. We are launching a car at the moon. A large rectangular craft throws the car. It is difficult. I watch the car slowly lumber toward the moon. I hope it is successful. 3 men escort me to a "safer" place. I protest. I was in the safest place and I want to return. One of the men (a friend), tells me about his father having a heart attack last night and I feel badly. I tell him that it wasn't his fault. I go back to the center of the field and stand. I see a huge Japanese ship coming close. Then I see many small round space crafts. One comes right over me and hovers over my head. I feel nervous and protest, "This as an invasion of privacy." It reads what's in my mind! | 2MSA, 1MKA, 1MKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0487 | 1960-1997 | 1982-06-01 | F | YA | Corinne is swimming and sees a boat, a row boat under the water. She points at it and dives to bring it up. I get worried. She's down too long. I yell at Uncle Lionel, "Can I borrow your row boat with a motor?" I get in and Dwight and Lydia come with me. We help get it up and put it (small and crumpled) into Lionel's boat. Lydia sees two prettily painted red oars. We go back to shore and discover we're wearing old-fashioned swim suits. We've gone back in time! Lydia is jabbering and bragging about it and I give her a long intense lecture about keeping her mouth shut. "I don't want anyone to know, so we can get back to our own time!" | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0488 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-01 | F | YA | Wednesday. Two little dark haired boys are sleeping in a huge bed. The littlest one is restless and curls up next to the other one. He gets mad and pushes the little one away. The little one rolls off the bed with a big thump. He gets back in bed and says, "Let's look at the dragons." We then see the wall at the foot of the bed from his point of view. My cousin Sonja and I are in the audience watching. She asks, "What is it?" I say, "You'e never seen the tree leave shadows dance on your wall at night?" The shadows dance. We are hushed and nervous. Then one, then 2, then 4 dragon shapes sit in the trees. One is the little boys teddy bear with horns. "Isn't that cute?," we say. He gets scared and we feel it too. He yells. The only thing we can do is shut our eyes and go to sleep. He clamps his eyes shut tightly and the forms all disappear and it is absolutely silent. He peeks with one eye. It all comes back. He "sleeps" rigidly. His mother comes in with a young lady, his sister. She blows out two candles that had been making the forms and says to the sister, "They've been sleeping here since you've gone from the attic and been to Europe for a year." | 2ANI, 1MKC, 1FKA, 2ISA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FSA | AP 1FKA+D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0489 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-02 | F | YA | Thursday. 3 men, one an ex-lover, feels like Hector, are in a room. He comes to me and asks if I'd be willing to sleep with him for "old times sake." I smile and feel happy and say, "Yes." We walk off together. It's happy and sad. | 2MSA, 1MKA | HA D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0490 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-04 | F | YA | Saturday. Lots and lots of little cute fuzzy kittens are playing under my feet. I have to step very carefully so as not to hurt them. They belong to my mother. I ask her where my toothbrush is. She says, "I put it with mine." I go to her room slowly as the kitties pile under my feet. At first I can't find it. I break a pretty vase. Then I find the brushes in a box at the foot of her bed. My grandma Agnes asks me if I need help finishing my needle work projects. I say, "No," and start listing the projects. She says, "Don't forget to finish your name on your tummy." By the time I finish listing my projects, I regret not accepting her offered help. | 2ANI, 1FKA, 1FKA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0491 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-04 | F | YA | There are aliens under the mud in a lake. I see a hand reaching up to get me as I paddle on the surface in an inner tube. Later, a film all garbled and I recognize it is a movie taken by the aliens of my butt and my garbled (through water speech). I realize they were talking about me. | 2ISA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0492 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-09 | F | YA | Thursday. I'm sitting in the front row of an audience. Soon it's my turn to go up and do another performance of B.'s Follies. I can't remember the words to the songs. I ask my singing partner (Rosemary). She shrugs her shoulders. She doesn't remember either. I ask Dolores. She doesn't remember. My grandmother Mildred is playing songs on an organ as warm-ups. I'm crying and frantic. I'm panicked. I search through old papers for the words. I don't find the right papers. Dolores reminds me for the second time that it's time to take attendance. I snap at her, "Later. I have to find the words first." I am angry at her insensitivity. I'm panicked and angry at my unpreparedness. I said, "Why didn't I prepare better?" | 2JSA, 1FKA, 1FKA | AP D, AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0493 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-09 | F | YA | I'm getting on a bus to go to a performance of B.'s Follies. Preston is going to drive. He presses his nose on the window. I ask him if he has the words. He makes a funny face. I say in Spanish, "Tu nariz esta en la ventana?" He touches it like he's a little boy. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0494 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-09 | F | YA | A famous woman like India's prime minister is walking down the street. She sees a car with a man in it and then a car with a woman in it. She has a premonition that the man will try to run over her and the woman will save her. As it starts to happen, I am her. I see the car coming at me and I throw myself up against a wall in defeat because I'm trapped. Then I think, "Oh, how awful," and turn around in the nick of time and leap straight up seconds before he hits me. I roll over the top of the car. I yell at him, "You almost killed me!" He smiles and shrugs. I say, "Give me your name and insurance." He gives me a card. I say, "I'll bet this is the wrong phone number." He grins. I say, "I'll take your license number. It is RE 7-12." I memorize it and then walk toward school. As I near the door, I see him walking, whistling happily behind me. I say sarcastically, "Here, allow me," and I open the door for him. He shrugs and accepts. As we walk in he says, "You aren't ever going to forgive me, are you?" He sounds upset like he doesn't understand why I'd hold a grudge on such a minor thing. | 1FPA, 1MSA, 1FSA | SD D, HA 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0495 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-10 | F | YA | Friday. Nate follows me around. I'm vacationing at the beach. He wants to be with me and push me around in my manual wheelchair. I am exasperated but permit him to. As we come to a steep hill that ends in the sand, he lets go of the manual chair and stands and watches me. I make a decision to help myself down the hill, although it will be difficult. I make it safely. I am amazed at Nate but realize that I knew it would happen. I half-push, half-crawl through the sand. I go into the surf. A huge brown wave comes from the shore side. I am nearly drowned. I am afraid and tell Ginny, "I'm going onto shore. This is too rough and dangerous." I struggle back to shore. Ginny and two women are supportive, emotionally. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 2FSA | CO D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0496 | 1960-1997 | 1982-09-16 | F | YA | I am the piano teacher. My pupil is a young man. We start warm up exercises in duo. We sound great on the scales. It sounds like Beethoven. Co-worker Tyler is in the audience. Bruce is also. They are favorably impressed. I say, "It's time to begin," and then I start to say, "You need to..." Ethan smiles and says, "Aren't I ever gentle?" He says just before I do, "Yes, with gentle people." [BL] | 1MOA, 1MKA, 2JKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0497 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-14 | F | YA | I am a mother of 2 children. One of them has a badly withered leg like Dana. Some woman is doing clothes. She pauses and then stops and gets her beautiful velvet bible and goes out on the porch to read her bible. I call my son over. I start tap dancing and call my daughter over. I encourage her to hold our hands so we can circle dance. At first, he laughs embarrassedly but he's pleased. I keep him practicing and working on it. After a time, his leg looks different, stronger. He still has a limp but almost walks normally! I am so happy and impressed. I go to the woman on the porch. We are all amazed and I look at the bible in wonder. He walks out to where the guys are playing baseball. They let him play, out of pity. Then he hits one. It's a fly and the guy at first base catches it, but he has run so quickly that no one notices he is out. They are so shocked that he can run. Then he does 2 runs legally. As long as he hits the ball far out so he has more time, he is successful. One person says, "See, he's still not good enough." He says, "Well, I'll learn to be an excellent hitter. I can hit anything." The coach comes out (like Chuck), and says, "I'll send you my slow curvy pitch and see." Then a woman says, "No let me." She's a very good pitcher. I am watching on the side lines through plastic windows that cloud up or distort the picture. Then I find a place to see clearly. She's dressed in an evening gown and is going to throw 2 champagne glasses. He backs up, scared. She struts around, arrogantly, flaunting her strength and cunningness. Then he comes out, big and dressed up in a tux carrying an image of his little self on his back to show how powerful he is! Then many images come out, wave after wave, and drive the woman out of the ball park. A woman says to me, "Now, that's macho!" I said, "Ya! So true. She stood up to him tall and true and showed her strength. It scared him, so he had to run her out! He's not that carting. His image created by fear is just visually big." He comes back in and says, "She's gone." | 1FSA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1MOA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0498 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-15 | F | YA | I go into cafeteria similar to L.C.C. Some convention has filled it up. I go to a cafe near by, but there's no room. I finally find a stand and buy a scrawny half sandwich for $1.19. I try to pay in pesos and then I find American money. I'm not satisfied with my purchase. It's not enough and it's so costly. Then I go to a meeting. As I come to the closed door, the leader comes out. He is a cat. He stands up and paws my suit jacket where he is going to up the name tag. I turn my head away to the left. I find being near him distasteful. I go in. The room is lined with women of all different shapes and styles, but they are all confused or sad, or uncomfortable. It's like a re-entry workshop for women. Most of us have on bright red clothes. The cat leader changes; sometimes he's a man, sometimes a woman, and sometimes a cat. | 1ANI, 2FSA, 1MSA, 2FSA | SD D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0499 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-16 | F | YA | I am sitting on a couch. Tomas is there. I am surprised. Then it's night. It's time to go to bed. I am wearing see through undies that are very sexy. I turn on a light so I can see my way on the path to the next "room" house where we all sleep. I get there late. 4 or 5 people are already in the beds. They say, "You can sleep on the floor." A man touches the carpet to show me how soft it is. He likes me. I don't like it, but I lay down. | 1MKA, 2JSA, 1MSA | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0500 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-16 | F | YA | I am going down main street in M City looking for a sale on film. I have a long and meticulous list from my father. He was serious and told me to write down the numbers exactly. I feel a little nervous that I might forget them or make a mistake. When I get to a store, I realize that I have to wait until he sends the film for me to get prices for developing. I leave the store and start walking back down the street. A salesman from the store follows me. Then I see two men, one looking for work, seated on a train or something. I think he's me. Across from him is the salesman. The man asks the salesman if he likes his work. The salesman is ecstatic. Oh yes, he loves it, there isn't any better job etc. The man says, "That's the positive side, now tell me what you hate about your job." The salesman slumps and appears more honest. He says, "Well, no one will believe you, or give you a loan." The man says, "Ah, that's more like it." | 1MKA, 1MOA, 1MSA | AP D, HA 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0501 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-16 | F | YA | A pretty lady in an old fashioned dress, red, is walking with her sister, who has some limp in her leg. They are talking. The younger one says, "I'll push you in the pond." The one in red says angrily, "Don't you dare! You'd better not." The younger one actually does it. It's a cloudy, cold glacier of green water. She's under for awhile; all those skirts are weighing her down. Then she's up and angry. She pulls the younger one in. The she starts to help the younger one out. The younger one lets her gimpy legs go limp and doesn't help. The one in red gets angry and says, "Don't you do that! You always suicide when I'm helping you. Use your legs!" When that doesn't work, she threatens to tell papa. Then the younger one "wakes up" and says, "No, don't do that, O.K.," and they get out of the pool, as the younger one is still explaining why not to call papa. She is afraid to be seen as helpless and not trying by him. | 1FSA, 1FKA, 1MKA | AN 1MKA, AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0502 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-17 | F | YA | I go into a bedroom. I see a man I kind of like through the window. I close the curtains. I feel sexually turned on. I thumb tack the curtains shut, very carefully, and go to the bed and experience a quick orgasm. Then I am some "wonder" creature and I am patrolling the outside of the school building. A terrible mean creature threatens me. He's after me. He grows tall in his attempt to catch me as I fly up very rapidly to keep out of his dangerous reach. I go very high very fast. All I can see is the tip of his huge finger as he rushes up to get me. My only hope is to out last him. We hit rarified air; we're nearly out of atmosphere. He finally weakens and crumbles out of sight. I am relieved because I was at the end of my endurance. I fly/fall back down keeping a wary eye open in case. Then I'm being wheeled to the stadium where I'll entertain the troops. I pass a barrack. There is a sign in the window. It says "Star." I hear the guys talking about how if the light is on, they can come talk to the star, if not, then she doesn't want company. They really hope the light will be on. I feel smug because unbeknownst to them, I am the star, and the light will be on! | 1MKA, 1CZZ, 2MOA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0503 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-19 | F | YA | I am flirting with Tomas and Preston, kissing. I have decided they are O.K. Then the door opens and Hector comes in. We kiss passionately and lovingly. I have missed him so and I'm so glad to see him. He wants to buy me presents. I see a huge glass bowl, delicate, expensive, and beautiful. I hesitate. He says, "Get it; it's yours. It's O.K." I take it and admire it. Then I get some other things too. | 2MKA, 1MKA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0504 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-26 | F | YA | I have a room full of people, a class or something. One of my students is a good-looking young man but he's a quad and he hates it. He has a bad attitude. He' withdrawn and hostile. Some girls come in, selling used books for $2.00. I buy one for him with his money. Then I buy one for me because it's such a bargain. I get too much change and quietly keep it. I have some guilt. It's Mexican pesos. I tell him that she liked him. She had smiled at him. He gets very angry! "Don't tell me that!" I grab his shoulders and shake him and pull him up so he has to look at me and say, "It's your attitude that's paralyzed, the disability is not the problem." | 2JSA, 1MKA, 2FSA, 1MSA | AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0505 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-22 | F | YA | It is Friday at 20 of 6. I am packing my briefcase to go home after a long week. I'm standing up. I see Dana coming towards my office. I feel tired and annoyed. I think, "Where's Andrea?," and I realize she's gone home and can't be reached by phone. I see I'm the only one around to help. I sigh. He comes in, sits down and sighs. He tells me how depressed and lonely he is and how he's thinking of suicide again. I resent his clinging to me emotionally. I guess he feels that he gets to talk out of the office. He says that he'll go now and maybe find someone else or maybe kill himself. I really get annoyed now because he's playing a manipulative game. I firmly yell down the hall, "Get back here! I'll work with you for 25 minutes. Quit playing these games! If you continue playing them, I'll wash my hands of you and you can do what you will with your life." He comes back angry at me. He wants sex. I say, "No, I don't want to." He says I'm mean, that I have no feelings and that I don't care for him. I say, "I care for you as a human being. I'll hug you, but that's all." He grabs me hard like he'll never let go. I hug him, truly feeling care for him. Then I release him and send him on his way. I' feeling food! I'd done what I could and left room and energy for me. I said no to a "stray kitten!" [BL] | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1ANI | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0506 | 1960-1997 | 1982-10-31 | F | YA | I am in a horseback riding class, for beginners. I am learning to gallop. At first, I bounce around poorly, but I quickly gain expertise and leg strength. I enjoy galloping and I try to race with others that have more experience. I run around and around the race track and win. Then I am aware that in order to win, I had to make my horse work very hard. I take my horse back to the barn. I get food and drink and a brush to rub the horse with. The horse is very grateful and I enjoy making it more comfortable. After all, we're a team. I can't win races without her. | 2JSA, 1ANI | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0507 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-01 | F | YA | A man wants to make love to me. I don't want him. He follows me around with a hard-on. My mother tells me to change my clothes. I say, "Not here! I'll do it in the bathroom." She says, "No, here will be fine." I say, "He's in the room." She says, "That's O.K." I get my undies, all lacy, and my black nylons and garters. I go to the closet to dress. He is constantly near, wanting me. I tell him I won't marry him. Some people are surprised. I go to school. The class is lined up for a marathon running race. He is supposed to go with the other half of the class, but he's in my line. He makes a false start. We all groan and wait for him to get back. Then the race starts. I out run him and then I am tired with the male winner. The crowd is pleased and surprised. The announcer says, "It's 100 yards to go and it's tied!" I put out all I have and I win by a nose (or rather a knee). The Queen is impressed. I even have my own stamps for the letters I'll send to tell people I won. Everyone is impressed. | 1MSA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MOA, 1FPA | CO 2JKA+D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0508 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-13 | F | YA | Burt Reynolds is in a small row boat. He's going down a river with lots of rapids. An old man and an old woman talk. They are disappointed that their usually excellent communication system is not working as well. It's because of that that Burt was in some danger. | 1MPA, 1MSA | SD 1FKA+1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0509 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-13 | F | YA | I had my yarn shop again. I was disappointed. I moved it from my living room to a shop. It was in disorder. A woman came to the shop looking for a bulky yarn. I didn't have the right size. It was pink, dusty pink. I wanted to make the sale because I didn't want my shop to fail again. I suggested that she buy a double amount and double the yarn but in the same breath said, "No, because it would be too costly for you." | 1FSA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0510 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-14 | F | YA | I am in Mexico. Dovre and I are in a sort of shower stall. She's hanging onto a bar or rail, like a metal chin bar. She says she can't move it. I get up there and help her bend it. It's like a competition of strength. It's friendly. I am still stronger (and wiser). We laugh. I get down and step outside. I simultaneously realize that I am naked and that there are three mean men out there that see me. I go inside quickly. They come to the door. I get it locked but it's so flimsy. I send Dovre to get help. I am afraid. Holes keep appearing in the door. Their fingers can curl over the top of the door. They have razors. I hold a razor blade in a handle. I timidly try to defend myself by cutting them. Every time I hurt them and draw blood, I stop, because I am afraid that if I hurt them, they'll hurt me more and I don't like to hurt them. A man's penis sneaks in and gets into my vagina. I am frozen with disgust. I start to cut it off with the razor and draw blood, and then stop because of the aforementioned reason. They are horrible men full of anger and don't care about me at all. The police siren is heard and the men run away. There is just outside the door, a sort of hot tub pool of "clean water" and near it, to the right, the sea water (in Spanish, the mar), that comes in and out and splashes over into the clear water. I don't want them to be mixed (I decided the answer is that I am afraid some one would rape me if I get into a relationship). | 1FKA, 2MSA, 1MSA, 1MOA | AP D, AN D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0511 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-14 | F | YA | I dreamed that I was expecting my boyfriend back. He'd been in the Navy. A man and a woman (like Hector's parents) came into the kitchen where I was doing the dishes. I was happy to see them. We greeted each other in a Spanish way. It was full of formalities and affection. They and I knew "Harry" was coming in, so they left the room for their bedroom. I had my back to the kitchen door but still "saw" Harry come in behind me. I turned. I was very glad to see him. I walked to him smiling. He was equally glad to see me. As we embraced, a grocery sack with 6 packs of beer that he was holding was between us. He kissed me once, then twice, each time more lingering. He said passionately, "Here, put the beer in the fridge and come here!" My brother Dwight, who had come in behind him, said, "Whoa! I guess I'll go sit in the car." I had been putting the beer into the fridge. I noticed that "Harry" (it was Norman), had written letters and messages to me on the beer cartons. I read one about the president getting him enlisted into the navy. I picked up a little Budweiser and gave it to Dwight and said, "Here. There's a pool room in the next room, turn to the left." He gratefully went in there. As "Harry" and I started to move together to embrace, I heard Dwight thinking about where the light switch was. I went in to assist him. I turned on the light and said, "Is that better?" I turned and saw 3 cats. 2 of them were Darryl's and I thought, "I'm glad I didn't get a kitten since Darryl has 2." I stepped on one orange male cat who meowed meanly and put his claws into my foot. I shook him off and sat next to Darryl. He had a beer carton. It had my name "Barb Sanders," and under it, "Jen." In one corner it said, "Uncle Tom, 1961," referring to a war incident that was potentially dangerous. We chatted. | 1MKA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2ANI, 1MKA | HA D, HA 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0512 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-15 | F | YA | Death and sexuality all wrap up together. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0513 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-15 | F | YA | I am a wondrous creature from another planet. No one knows. I live with a family. I go up an attic hole to a special room where I can connect with my power machine when needed. I am warned by my "younger brother" that some member of the family is my deadly enemy, one of my own kind. I use my x-ray vision and see that it is my "older brother." We lock into deadly combat. It's all I can do to just hang on to his head so his teeth don't sink into me! We struggle for a long time, growling and hissing. He gets his teeth into my finger. I feel the pain and grow weary of feeling it. My "younger brother" comes to my rescue and holds its head by the hair. We are in the air, going higher than the buildings. I am growing tired. He knows it and waits. He knows he's stronger than me. He taunts me and smiles. He offers me his wallet that has little red energy pills and some green herbal stuff that he uses to grow strength with. I crumple it all up and I drift down to the Earth. He is surprised. He expected me to eat it so he would have me. I suddenly grow very long and powerful and zap him with a death ray. I had to be so quick because if I didn't go fast enough, he'd counter and reflect it back to me. I went so fast, that I had no time to warn my "younger brother." I had to kill him too. I knew that. I am sad about it but it was necessary for my survival. I send the message, "I'm sorry" right after the death ray. It surprises my enemy. He didn't know that I had matured enough to have this capability. He explodes into a million pieces and drifts to Earth. So does my "younger brother". | 1MSA, 1MSA | CO 1MKA, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0514 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-15 | F | YA | Dolores comes to my office and cries because she had worked so hard to set up this workshop for George, and George had told her that I had done it for him. She can't win for losing. I feel sorry for her and angry at George. | 1FKA | SD 1FKA, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0515 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-16 | F | YA | I'm at a party. Doug is there. He asks me my opinion on a speech. I had him his written opinion and say, "I agree with you." I notice there are two parties. I become interested in a member of the other party. That's not kosher. Then it's a war. I swim a long way to an island looking for my soldier friend. We meet. I am a general. Their general follows us with the intent of blowing us up. My soldier turns out to have joined us. He finds bullet packs left by their general. He puts them in deep water. We are followed by their soldier. He (mine) says to me, "Wait here. You are safe." I do so, even though I'm visible and in the path, but he is right. The guy doesn't see me. My friend kills him. | 1MKA, 1MSA, 1MOA, 1MOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0516 | 1960-1997 | 1982-11-18 | F | YA | I'm in a house. 3 guys are there. I'm half-standing, half-sitting informally on a chair. Two of the guys are lounging near, leaning on the chair or sitting on the arm of the chair. We are quite close. It is sensual and pleasant. We are talking about a traffic ticket I got. It cost me $27.00. They say they got one once, and it was only $119.00. Mine was for speeding so it cost more. My girls come in. We're getting ready to go somewhere and then I can't find them. I go looking. One of the guys is Zach. He follows me and stays near. It's pleasant. I am equally aware of his presence and the search for my girls. I am upstairs. I look down over the balcony rail. I see Dovre who is a cat nursing her baby kittens, 2 mal cats (male but I left the "e" off mal) approach. I say, "I didn't know Dovre had kittens!" I am surprised and a little shocked. I don't like the looks of the male cats. They look threatening. As I'm leaning over the rail, Zach leans over on me, gently. I realize he's interested in me sexually and I caress his leg with my foot while pretending to look over the rail. We are both happy. He has asked; I've said, "Yes." We go downstairs to shoo away the bad male cats. I then see that it wasn't Dovre but it was a paper cut out of a cat and many baby kittens. It was a joke. Then, I see little paper footprints leading off through the house with lots of messages I can't understand. I pass a door. It's open and a disapproving girl/woman with black hair on a bike frowns at me. A man carrying a basket with nice breads in it stands at the door. I say, "Pasale," and hope I said the right tense for respect (le, not te). Zach and I follow the little footprints. | 2MSA, 2FKA, 1MKA, 1ANI, 2ANI, 1FSA, 2ANI | HA 1FKA+D, CO D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0517 | 1960-1997 | 1982-12-02 | F | YA | I am in my wheelchair, looking for a place to park near the theatre so I won't have to walk far. It's very crowded and I end up far away. I see an attendant, sort of a mechanic and chew him out because there is no disabled parking. He has an arrogant look on his face. He says, "Are you one of those hippie type trouble makers?" I look at him with some contempt and say, "I am a counselor here at XXX." He is very impressed. He offers to escort me there. As we walk together, arm in arm, he smiles and asks me out. I think, "He's only a mechanic, but it might be fun to go out for awhile." Then I find out that the person that is scheduled to play the Queen in the play can't, and I am to do it. I have an hour before curtain. Marti S tells me to make frowny faces to the sounds people make. We're all sitting at a table. I do so. One woman thinks I'm pretty strange. I'm nervous. I don't even know the story line much less the words! Marti S says, "No problem, you'll do fine," and then goes away. I wait for her but she doesn't return. Howard is the director of the play. I tell him I'm not ready. He says, "Sure you are." He has confidence in me and doesn't do anything to help me. I get a 12 hour extension. I then realize that I have the Queen characterization down very well, I just need to memorize the words. I feel that I can succeed. I wear a black ornate lacy dress and a wig. I am very regal. [BL] | 1MOA, 1FSA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MKA | AP D |