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b | Barb Sanders | 0118 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-04 | F | YA | I was a lion cub, trying to hide from a big gorilla that was going to hurt me. I would try to squeeze myself under furniture but he'd still see me. I felt very afraid. A baby monkey would then be near me and his father, the gorilla, would look for him and that would lead him closer to me. Then I was the baby monkey and my father was after me. [BL] | 1ANI, 1ANI, 1ANI | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0119 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-04 | F | YA | Later, I was bleeding and hurt. Co-worker Tyler and the student associates were pushing and pulling at me in a hurtful, hateful manner. I raged at them to stop. There were mirrors and broken glass. | 1MKA, 2FKA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0120 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-04 | F | YA | Later, I'm in a department store. Thea is the sales lady. I'm looking at a package of something, maybe sewing patterns. She asks me to get some zippers off the rack and bring them to her. She keeps talking about how the boss keeps asking her if she needs this tool or that tool and she'd say yes and he'd buy it for her. Now she has hundreds of these zippers, she complains, and in the same breath would say, "And we need them, don't we?" | 1FKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0121 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-04 | F | YA | Later, I'm at a hotel to go to an Iron Duchess conference. My father is there to help me carry in my suitcase etc. We are at the bar, at the check-in desk, and I say, "I'll meet you in the bar downstairs; I'm going to go see if the people are here yet." The way to get to the bar downstairs is to drop down from the level I'm at now. I'm walking. I sit on the floor and then hang on the edge and let my body swing down. I'm afraid to let go because it's quite a drop. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself, my ankles. I look for a bartender or someone to help me, but no one. I let go and land on my right foot. I'm surprised that it didn't hurt. I look around and then I see the conference room and Rochelle. She waves to me. I'm a little embarrassed because I'm walking (so I sit on a couch with another woman). I see B. B. and she welcomes me and introduces me to Jim D, only it's a woman. They laugh, "Ha, ha," a funny joke. I shake my head. "Boy, I'm sure slow today. I just heard the intro and believed it." We all laughed. I say, "Well, I'll be back. I'm going to see what's keeping my father and where my room is etc." I was thinking, "I sure hope none of them are my room mates," (some are lesbians). I go back to the bar to find my father. He's nowhere in sight. There are lots of guys (B. B. comes with me). They are looking at us. I make a big show of looking for my father so they'll know what I'm doing. Someone keeps whistling at me (not a wolf whistle), so I think, "Maybe it's Dad," and I continue to look around. Finally I figure out that he's still upstairs, so I go to the elevator, conscious of all the distance I'm walking. I get back upstairs and he's waiting for me. He'd taken my suitcase to my rooms for me. I was glad to find him. I was feeling worried about him as though he were a lost kid and might be afraid. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1ISA | AP D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0122 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-04 | F | YA | (Before this dream) There is a baby. Someone has it. I take it. It is a baby girl. I think I should put a hat on its head to protect it. I hold it and coo at it. Then my father and I are walking down a hall. I have the baby. A woman and a 3 year-old girl are walking ahead of us. The girl wants a toy. The woman says, "O.K., I'll get you a toy, lots of toys." Then she thought and said, "Only maybe the toys should be supplied by the child welfare division as that's where you're from. Yes, we'll wait and they will provide the toys." The girl felt very sad and I felt very sad. I looked at my father and he looked at me. We both knew the lady was wrong. We knew that because my mother had worked at the child welfare division. The woman looked at me and I shook my head no. "You're wrong," I say. "You should buy the toys." The woman and girl were getting into the elevator. She looked annoyed and caught. | 1ISC, 1MKA, 1FSC, 1FKA, 1FKA | SD 1FKA, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0123 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-06 | F | YA | A conversation between 2 women, both myself, I think. One said, "Look. See, she told me about it." The other laughed and said, "Oh, ya?" She didn't believe it. I was a little embarrassed, like being caught in a little white lie. I said, "Well, anyway, she showed me...sort of...in an indirect non-verbal way." | 1FSA, 1FSA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0124 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-06 | F | YA | I was going to sail away on the blue ocean. My wheelchair was attached to the ship like a dingy rowboat (life raft?), and I was navigating the surf, the shallows from the land to the deep blue ocean. I was aware that this was the dangerous time of the voyage. My chair was heavy and might get water logged and sink us all, but after we were on the deep water, the chair would be the important and safe power source for the ship. | null | AP 1FKA+D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0125 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-06 | F | YA | The children and I were in a room. I was picking up my knitting and pulled a thread out. I was annoyed and then shrugged my shoulders. "Eh! I'll just rip the whole thing out and do it over again." I then saw I was close to completing it. I decided to try to salvage it. I started looking for a small piece of yarn of the same color (off-white). I was holding the knitting gingerly so I wouldn't snag it further and really unravel it for good. The kids were in the way and not being helpful. I was slightly angry with them, at Ellie for not helping, and at Paulina for having taken some of the yarn. I would "almost" find it and then it would change and not be the right shade. I then looked over at some goats frolicking in a yard. I said, "Oh, look at the one dancing on its hind feet, standing up." Someone laughed and said, "That's some goat. It's a small human man." I then saw that it was. He and 2 others like him came over to the door. I looked down at them and chatted, thinking how good I was to not be unduly upset about their "disability" or strangeness. I was then aware of some conflict in a bar. My brother Dwight was in trouble. I went over there to help my brother. The small man followed me. Dwight was being told he had to give the bartender some money. The bartender was my cousin Terence. He was a bad man (the bartender). I argued for Dwight and threatened the bartender like a lawyer. I had no evidence but I bluffed that I could get him thrown in jail, etc. He persevered. I then saw a trapeze bar with a metal sort of door handle on it. It was a game. If you could jump straight up and hit it with the end of your cane (or stick) 35 times, you won lots of money. I did it 33 times and a couple more for good measure. I was aware that that was pretty good physical activity for my ankle joints being in the condition they were. I took my note (a card with a hole punched in it), over to the bartender and asked for my money. I was proud of my accomplishment. He started to renege, but I pointed out that I had witnesses to my accomplishment. He was angry, but agreed reluctantly to get the money. | 2JKC, 1FKA, 2ANI, 1MSA, 1MKA, 1MKA | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0126 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-07 | F | YA | I was in a marathon road race. I was back in M City, wearing a cute cheerleader outfit. My running partner was Reta, an old high school girl friend. I was exhilarated because I was in this race. I figured I wouldn't finish but at least I could do a segment and then someone else would finish for me. We ran through the paths on L College campus. It was pretty, I was pretty and I didn't hurt. Other girls in the race were amazed at me that I could run. It felt good. We stopped at my old dorm for a drink of water. I looked in at my old room. A man was there. He came out for a chat. Then I remembered the race and we went on. I went on, feeling a little slowed up by Reta, but not too annoyed because I enjoyed being where I was. Then I looked up and a large black lion was running toward me. I got a little scared, and layed down on the path on my back so the lion wouldn't see me and hurt me. He ran close to me and around me and I was very tense. Then there was a second one with a black head and checkered body. They finally left. I got up and ran some more. A girl went by and said, "When you want your replacement, just let them know. I grinned. I decided I was going to go to the finish. Reta was slowing me up. I was annoyed now and kept asking her to pick up her pace. I lengthened my strides. It was hard work then, but I did it. We get to the downtown section of M City. We are near the finish. We then go through the old grade school. We can't find the door out. I think I know where it is, but it's gone now. Then we find it. I then see a store. A man is there. He's the owner of it. I go on. At this point I'm lost. I can't find the finish. I get angry and anxious. I see an information booth. They are having a bake sale. I ask a woman there for directions. She pulls out pamphlets and we talk. I feel time passing. She says, "Ah, you need to go to Rose's place," (a drug store cafe). I say, "O.K., Reta, let's go. If you can't keep up, I'm going on without you." Now time and the race are more important than her or the enjoyment or the nostalgic surroundings. I run. I almost get to the finish. I run down a hall. Just before I turn left into a door, There's a bed. Thea is there, in the bed, laying down and moaning. She's drunk and incoherent. I look at her and then go though the door. I turn right down a short hall. The other girls who have finished the race are there, resting, talking, one (Sherrie, I think), smiles. I say, "Where's the finish line?" She points back into the room at a silk cloth item with a Valentine's heart on it and pockets. "Touch that," she says. I do. I am weary and glad that I had finished the whole race. | 1FKA, 2FSA, 1ANI, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1FSA | HA D, AN D, AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0127 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-07 | F | YA | Before this dream, I had another one. All I remember is that I married B.F. Skinner, and then I married my own cousin Abner and then he changed to Willie, his older brother. | 1MKA, 1MKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0128 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-08 | F | YA | I woke up with an oppressed feeling, like I had tried to work out something horrible but can't remember it. | null | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0129 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-08 | F | YA | I was at a dinner table. My cousin Sonja and my Aunt Naomi and Uncle Philip and my mother and I were at the table. Sonja kept getting into trouble and I sat there all proper and correct. I was glad it was her and not me. I was feeling a little smug. My Uncle Philip talked to me and I remembered when I was 13 or 14 that he'd "wrestle" with me and tickle me and once lay on top of me and then backed off. I was coy. I enjoyed it and I played innocently. It was raining and dark. I was scared because I'd have to drive home alone and maybe I couldn't see well. I went to the bathroom to blow my nose. Something was lodged in it, dried snot, that looked like chewing gum. I pulled the toilet paper off the roll and there was shit on it. "Eyuck," was my feeling response. My mother was coming toward the door telling me to hurry up. I felt slight anxiety about being messy and being caught at it. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA | HA D, AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0130 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-09 | F | YA | I was at a third night of auditions with Rhonda as director. I had not gotten a small part I was after but had come to watch because it was fun. I sat way down front, sort of crouched so she wouldn't see me as I was embarrassed that I had given her such a low energy level audition the first night. The lights came up and she saw me and was delighted. We greeted and laughed. She was annoyed at the men trying out for a part. They weren't getting it right. They were supposed to go be an ambassador that couldn't get anything right, walking into flags, etc., and bouncing off furniture. She'd taken a photo of each one lying down. The noses and lips were important in profile and in blue light. None of them were right. I laughingly said, "Shall I try it? I bet I could do it, although the part would have to be rewritten for a woman." She liked the idea, so I started to go to the stage. My nose was running badly and I couldn't find anything to blow it with. I looked around and asked everyone if they had some toilet paper I could use. Everyone else had colds and were holding bits of it. One finally gave up one corner and we all laughed. I said, "Oh thanks, I see it's a precious commodity." I couldn't remember the lines so I looked around for a script. Then I noticed they were resetting up the stage for another scene, a thanksgiving table setting. Rhonda was directing people to sing "America." I joined in and sang one word wrong because they had changed it and I didn't know. I valiantly tried to keep up, wincing when I got it wrong. The cast was very quick and did just as they are told. She was a tough task master but yet caring and gentle. I asked her somewhat hesitantly if she had changed her mind about seeing me in that part. She looked startled and then remembered. Her mind was on many things. She apologized and said, "Well sorry, we haven't got time," and hoped I'd understand. I wanted the part but did understand and said, "Oh sure, no problem." Then a group of the cast gathered around her on the stage. She was giving directions about the song. She said, "It's so hard to remember but the song is a satire and we must sing 'ving' instead of 'nam'." | 1FKA, 2MSA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 2JSA | AP D, HA 1FKA, CO 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0131 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-09 | F | YA | I was walking through a pasture. Many horses were standing up, all looking in the same direction. One by one the horses suddenly laid down and died. They had been poisoned. 1 lone horse, the mama (chief or leader), cried out over and over again. I was appalled. Some one had poisoned them. Then I saw 2 men, one tall and wearing black, one crafty looking, a little older and plump (like bad guys in westerns). I pulled a rifle on them and fiercely told them to walk side by side, no tricks. I was taking them in. They looked mean and confident. They knew that they could scare me because I was a woman. They tried to separate so one could rush me. I threatened to shoot to kill. They got back together. Then one picked up a board. I said, "Put it down or I'll shoot you in the belly." They kept trying it. Finally they made a lunge and I shot. They wouldn't die so I fired again and again (gatlin gun line from play). I pointed out to them that they were dead and they finally keeled over. I then walked into a house and started to go upstairs. A man was talking. He was lovingly looking at different rifles and talking about how neat to have one that felt right in his hands. I was annoyed at him. A rifle is a device to kill with, if necessary, a tool, not something to revere. I looked around at the rifles for women. They were .22's, light, worthless. I was disgusted. I was in an upstairs male dormitory now. Howard was in a single bed. There were book shelves next to his bed, built into the wall. I layed down beside him, being very careful not to touch him and ignore him. He was cold, rigid and ignoring me. I looked at the books across him and accidentally caught his eye (the other men were talking about the recent shooting exploits tinged with respect). I turned my back on Howard and curled up in a fetal ball sleeping position. My "pussy" accidentally touched his bare leg. Then he started crying with me and pleading with me not to go, to please come back. I felt sick in my stomach and got out of bed. He pleaded. He said he tried. "What do you want?" He gave me silence, isn't that what I wanted? I was disgusted. I said, "No! I don't want silence. I want you to really understand me, comprehend me, care about me. Everything is for you. Your work comes first, your needs are first. You never really looked at me." He was pathetic, weeping, clinging and angry at me. I muttered something about, "I'll never listen to you men again." We started yelling at each other. Other men in the dorm got disgusted with us and left. I said, "I wish you would understand and I wish you'd let me have more time with the girls. Do you know what they say to me during the summers? That daddy never listens, he never shows me he loves us. Do you know they don't want to go back to you? Someday, you'll lose them the same as you lost me." I was almost crying, I had hurt him and I didn't want to. I really wanted him to understand and he didn't. He clutched at my hand, his hands were white and pink spotted. I yanked away from him and left. | 2ANI, 1ANI, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1MKA | AP D, AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0132 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-10 | F | YA | Water in my dreams. I am cavorting in my feelings and emotions. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0133 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-11 | F | YA | The end of the world. Outside forces of the universe were pulling on Earth. We were in our final days, volcanos, ash falls, real lava. I was in a small town, like M City. There were feelings of doom, some panic. We were getting ready to be rescued by a big plane but it needed a place to land. I looked around. The ground was too bumpy and full of sage brush. The railroad tracks were the only answer. But then I saw a train load of people on the tracks. I felt upset and annoyed. I couldn't let the plane land until I'd cleared the tracks. The people got off the train. They were insane, crazy, helpless people. I feel overwhelmed, sad. I wanted to get rescued. I didn't want to die, but I can't just abandon these people in their need. I couldn't make the order that would kill them. I was annoyed. I thought, "Maybe I will. To hell with them," but I couldn't. | 2JSA | AP D, AN D, SD D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0134 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-11 | F | YA | Later, two male black cats. One is homosexually raping the other. They glare at me. I feel revulsion. | 2ANI, 1ANI | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0135 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-12 | F | YA | I was at school, a conference or something. I was in my wheelchair. To get to where I was to sit in a crowded, tiered room was difficult. I sat at a "bar table" and got onto a bar stool. Then I had to go to the bathroom. I got back into my wheelchair and struggled through the crowd. Some men cornered me and sassed me. They took my chair. I limped back to the table. People stared at me and couldn't understand my change. A coast guard man (like one in another state), decided he had to be in love with me, puppy love. He kept trying to kiss me. I kept him at arm's length. It was a struggle. He was persistent. Finally, I agreed to go with him to a dance or something. I went to a room to change my clothes. By that time, I didn't worry about my chair (before, the bar keep was around and wanted to help me get it). We went to the room. I put on 2 underslips, one is like the current style, long slit in front. The other is old fashioned, shorter, full body, skirt was even more old fashioned, shorter (1st slip, 1980, 2nd 1970, skirt 1960, pearls around neck, 1950). It looked funny, so I rearranged outfits so the slips didn't show. The ardent man had friends that at first teased him. They didn't like me. They peeked in and harassed me. Finally they accepted me. I was excited about the dance now. We got in car and drove. We got there. The man was having intense feelings. I was protecting myself and also warming myself on his feelings. I saw Will S. He had 2 babies. He was taking care of them. I came over and touched one. I asked permission to help and hold one. He was aloof. I said, "Oh, you don't like people to touch them. You like a lot of space around you and yours. I think it is too much space." I was aware of my bravery in telling this man I admired that I thought he was personally wrong on this issue. He had a problem, just like real people, even more than mine. Then I went on. Mabel asked me a question about my book which was published recently. She was snide about making money. I really told her off. I said, "You can bet your sweet ass I will make money." She raised her eyebrows in shock. She was up against a wall and I was in righteous anger and really yelling. I said, "Ya, but I also did a good book. It will be helpful, it is good reading, etc." | 2MSA, 1MOA, 2ISA, 1MKA, 1ISC, 1ISC | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0136 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-13 | F | YA | I was aware of two good, heavy dreams. I even had the images still in my head but I was unable to verbalize what I dreamed. No sequence or objects to put names to. There was a sense of something dying so that the next phase can grow and be born and then that going away so first phase has its turn stronger. [BL] | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0137 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-13 | F | YA | Later dream. I found a small monkey, miniature, really. He was given to me. He was in a bird cage, gold. There was glass so it was also like a fishbowl. It was dying because there was no air, food, or water. I opened a door in the glass to let in air. I could hear it hissing in and I could feel the flow of air into the cage. It was cold and "mean." I then got his food and water containers. I "thought" talked to it soothingly. "Poor little thing. I'll bet you think I'm taking this away from you to hurt you, but see, I'm filling the cup and it's fresh. Now, here's the water. That's the most important, isn't it?" The water cup then partially collapsed and the water spilled onto the food, but it was still O.K., just a little messy. Then I got nervous. I watched as the monkey changed. It was supposed to be cute and sit on my shoulder and chitter and be furry and hug me. I had held the door partially open with my keys (on a little sandal shoe), but the monkey was tiny, like a spider with a long tail. Then it was a small snake. I got really scared. The snake was growing and it was going to eat me, or kill me. It grew and I fled the room. I was on a road/freeway. There were many cars. I was in one. We were all fleeing the snake. It was huge now. The freeway was choked with cars. There was road construction and dust was thick in the air. I heard the screams of the others being killed by the snake. I felt fear and a certainty that this was it. No escape. The snake would get me. I looked to my left. The snake was on a moving train, devouring it and the people on it. I veered to the right and got out of the car, I tried to make myself very small and tried to burrow into the ground. I was burying myself alive to escape the notice of the snake. I felt doomed. It would find me. | 1ANI, 2JSA, 1ANI, 2JSA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0138 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-14 | F | YA | I dreamt I made love to every man that came near me. I was aggressive, voracious, and demanding. | 2MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0139 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-14 | F | YA | Later, I dreamt I was in a skit. I made a statement that I felt funny because two older men were after me sexually. I actually didn't feel funny. | 2MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0140 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-16 | F | YA | Jim R. was telling me he loved me. He looked shy. He said, "I've really changed since high school. I've opened up." He allowed his feelings to show. I felt warmth for him. I said, "Ya, me too." We shared this discovery. | 1MKA | AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0141 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-16 | F | YA | Later, I was in a house with 2 teenagers (boy and girl), supposedly my children. We had shut and locked all the doors and windows because awful bats that could suck out all our feelings and insides were trying to get in and get us. The front door wasn't really a front door. A branch from a tree was the door. There were holes in it that the bats could fly through. I got a heavy hatchet but the handle was a small, dry, breakable, flexible twig. I was going to kill the bats as they came in. I could sense them out in the dark. I went to the branch. It semi-fell down. Then birds, white with pretty eyes, started to come through. I had to chop and chop on their necks. Bloody, and their heads fell off. It was hard to kill them. Then they went away. My "children" said, "Oh, thank goodness, it's all over." I didn't believe it. I was still worried. Then people came through the door. They were friendly, in a group, moving in. I knew that they were going to get us. I wouldn't let them near me. My kids went to them. One grandmother kissed my son. I felt heartsick. They were going to finally get us. | 2ANI, 2ANI, 2JSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1FKA | AP D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0142 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-16 | F | YA | (First dream of the night). Fear on bed, in the bedroom, rising up the curtain like in an elevator, but I'm not. As I'm going down, I get more fearful. There is a hole in the curtain and outside the hole is a cage, but my fear of it is like it's a Nazi concentration camp. I scream because I'm going to be pushed out of the window into the cage. I push myself backwards. It was a weak push but I fall back hard. I fall across the room. I move furniture as I fall so I won't get hurt and land on the floor at foot of the bed. 2 children are in the bedroom, a little boy and a little girl. A pouch with a banana is handed to me. I get sexually excited, aggressively, powerfully so. I grin and pull 2 legs out of the pouch and the banana turns into a penis. I want it badly. I kick the little girl out of the way. I place the penis in me and I can feel it, real. I hold the man tightly and the closer I get to orgasm, the fiercer I am. Then I see a "picture" of our faces. I'm smiling, really into it. He's smiling because it gives him joy to see me feel so good (fierce, intense smiles). As I start to have an orgasm, a little boy is screaming, "Daddy! Daddy, don't!" 2 policemen come in. I can't talk. I try to but can't. I want to finish. I can hear the screams ( I wake up, feeling like it was a nightmare). | 2JSC, 1MSA, 1MSC, 2MOA | AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0143 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-18 | F | YA | A huge house with a brick front and bay windows (centuries old) started to shake. All the bricks were falling off and the window shattered, like an earthquake. I remembered the kids were in the house and so were Andrea's babies. I hesitated and then went in to get my girls. Ellie was being stubborn. She and I argued all the way out. I sensed that the babies were still in the house, but I went on out with my kids. Lots of pieces of the house were falling all around us. We crowded into a doorway across the lawn from the house. Something about a lot of pills. A man was near by. | 2JKC, 1FKA, 1FKC, 1MSA, 1MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0144 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-19 | F | YA | I was laying on the couch in the M City house, watching T.V. My mother was in the kitchen doing dishes. Dwight, my father and I were waiting for her to finish so we could go vote for the president. I was feeling lazy and didn't particularly want to go. I was aware of my mother's anger at us because she was working and we were waiting. I was annoyed at her for making me feel her anger, but I just let it ride. My mother gave me the baby (hers) and said, "Feed it while I do the dishes and maybe we'll make it on time." I felt guilty. She was really overworked and anger was spilling out. Dwight groaned and said he didn't really want to go. She gave an angrily voiced lecture on the rights and privileges and responsibilities of a citizen. I fed the baby her water and then her milk. I watched her. She drank quickly and I burped her. She looked like my daughter. I looked to see if she had spit up on me. My father came in and said in a martyred tone that my mother had decided not to go vote. She had too much to do and didn't want to hold us up. I sighed and said, "Oh, honestly, she could do it. She's just being in one of her moods." I was annoyed with her passive-aggressive moves. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKC, 1MKA | AN 1MKA, AN D, AN 1FKA, AP D, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0145 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-19 | F | YA | A secret door. I started to go through the back door. 2 men were blocking the way. I shut the door and went through a side secret door. It led to an old abandoned room. Somehow I had made a time change. I was back in pre-historic times, in a cave. I stood near the mouth of the cave and an eerie light (green phosphorous) shone on me. I cast my image out into the night to look scary. It scared the natives. I saw some children swimming from school, raging water. This was ordinary for them. 1 girl had to walk on land the long way around. The clansmen talked about raising the bridge the children walked on so it was above the water in storms so they wouldn't have to swim so dangerously. I met a man, a caveman. I was intelligent and seemed to know things (realized memories from modern times would unconsciously filter through and I would solve problems). Others felt nervous about me, because I was so good at figuring things out. A plane landed on the swimming place. A man got out, and pushed the light craft up to shore so it wouldn't float away. [BL] | 2MEA, 2JSC, 1FSA, 2MEA, 1MSA, 1MSA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0146 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-19 | F | YA | I was taking a nap before I went to my new psychiatrist (in addition to Dr. X). I was awakened by Thea. She wanted to talk. I said, "No, I haven't got the time." I started to try to find my clothes to get dressed. Howard walked in. I was naked, looking for my underpants in my suitcase. There was lots of junk in there but I couldn't find the right pair of undies. I was nervous, trying to talk to Howard. I asked him why he was here. Thea left. He said he wanted to talk. I said, "Uh huh! I can tell you want to get back together again." I was struggling with my undies (with holes in them and bras). He said, "Ya." His marriage isn't good. She tells him to be at this meeting and get ready for that party. I said, "Oh, I get it. You want me back because I didn't tell you what to do. No, I was too passive to speak up. You want that back." He reached for me and I pushed him away. "I've got to get ready." He was telling me how rich he was now, and I was thinking that means I'd be near the kids again and I'd like that. I said, "I'd really like to talk without us being angry about the kids. I want to be with them more." He pulled me down on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. He felt warm and I was aware of my soft skin. I layed still, like a rabbit, caught. Part of me wanted to relax and like him, the rest of me was angry at him. He would never change, he would never really hear me. I pretended to go to sleep. He gently picked me up and rotated me across him to the other side of the bed and layed around me softly. Then he gently picked me up and layed me on the floor. I let all this happen, aware of the softness of skin, warmth, and some anger because he was manipulating me. He'd like to make love to me on the floor. I "woke" up and got my clothes. He had music going on the stereo. It annoyed me and made me nervous. I went to turn it off, but I couldn't. I turned all the buttons but it wouldn't stop. I then realize it was the radio on the other side of the room. I yell at him to turn it off (a helpless anger). He laughed and then did so. I looked for my clothes. The girls came in. I really was happy to see them. I felt in a time bind. I said, "I could cancel my appointment," but then decided not to. I asked Howard, "How long will you be here because I'll be gone until 4:00." He said, "Until 6:00," looked at me, smiled and said, "Until 9:00." I said, "Oh, good. I mean, I really want to see the girls." I was vaguely aware that I was also wanting to see him. I started to leave. I explained to the girls, "I'll be back soon." They walked with me. Then I couldn't remember where the psychiatrist was. I looked for his address. I finally found it. I left. I looked for the van. I couldn't find it. I finally spotted it and then couldn't find the door to get in it. I got into the van. Thea and Jared came out. I told them, "Howard and the girls are at home." They'd probably like to visit (they are my neighbors). Then I tryed to get into the van, only it was a drawer that goes into a hospital bed. I took off my shirt and felt naked with Jared there. I looked for the hospital gown. I felt nervous. Then Jared said, "Why don't we drive you to your appt?" I sighed with relief and knowing I could do it myself easier, I agree. Then we were in the elks. They said goodbye to some drunks at their table and then we started to go to their car. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JSC | AP D, AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0147 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-19 | F | YA | I was in New York City. Some earthquake had struck. I was going to go into the hospital both to help others and to be a patient. The windows were broken out. There were big mud blots on the outside of the building. A broken water pipe was gushing into one of the rooms. I thought, "Huh, someone could drown." To get into the building, I was being pulled up, hanging by my hands to 2 ropes. It was a sky scraper, very tall, metal and glass. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hang on, but I did get to the top floor. I got in and checked myself in. Then I was walking out. My kids were waiting. I heard the doctor ask me, "Is the black man or the blossom still there?" (meaning my husband). I reopened the door I had just gone through to answer his question. When he had asked the question, he sounded like he cared. But when I answered, he was talking to 2 other men. I thought, "Uh huh, ain't that how it always is. He doesn't care." I then ran down the stairs, 2 flights. My feet were fast. It was joyful. Then, I was at home. I was going to sit on the couch (chair, room for only one). My father came into the room. He wanted the couch. I think, "O.K., he's first, mom's second and I'm third." I went to another chair. My mother appeared young. She was playing the violin. She was embarrassed and tried really hard. I looked to see that her parents were there and she was trying to please them or catch their attention. My father shushed her. She kept on playing, only she had tried to stop. She had put the bow down and was just fingering the notes. My daughter was pulling the bow across the strings. It was not a good sound. | 2JSA, 1MOA, 1FKA, 2MSA, 1FKA, 2JKA | HA D, AP D, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0148 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-20 | F | YA | A white kitten with human-like eyes (male). I carried it everywhere with me. I carried it and petted it and held it in a hood of my sweatshirt to carry it around. I heard bombs exploding from a distance. I saw the white explosion spots. I was appalled. "Look what they are doing to the landscape, ruining it." I looked overhead and saw Nazi planes. A bomb fell near us. I jumped for cover, but my parents are complacent and didn't. I came back. There had only been a small explosion. I was confused. Why hadn't it exploded and hurt us? A convoy of trucks and jeeps then came by. A nazi officer got out. He looked at me and told me that I was under arrest. I was to report to headquarters. I asked, "Where is it?" He said, "Follow me." So the kitten and I walked along. He went too fast (the officer), and I lose him. I didn't know where headquarters was, so I asked directions!! It finally dawned on me that I could escape, that I was being really silly following orders, so I got in a car and started driving. I was now a race car driver. It was a red and black, sleek race car. I drove fast. I now had a male partner. There was lots of competition. They didn't like me. They made snide remarks. I looked in my engine. Someone had put papers in there to start a fire. I got them out. I saw another race car driver getting ready to start. I stopped her (Lindsay, I think, blind). I checked her engine. The same thing. I got the papers out. I saved her. I got back into the car on the passenger side. I said to my partner, "I should let you start sometimes, even though I know I'm a better driver." He was tinkering under the hood. I got a wrench to help. I didn't know what I was doing and I shrugged my shoulders (embarrassed), that I even pretended to know. He drove for awhile. We then stopped. I said, "Are you tired yet?" I was hoping it was my turn. He said, "My body's tired, but my mind is O.K." We changed places." I drove very fast. He said, "Watch out for policemen." I nearly bumped into the tail lights of other cars as I was watching for policemen. I then decided I could probably out run them and I hit the gas. I drove over obstacles, around them, I'm good. The other drivers were in awe. One had a 1/2 hour head start on me and I was passing. The mountain road then turned into hallways and stairs. Then I was back outside. I stopped for a break. A woman who was angry at me picked me up to carry me to my car. She had her hand on my butt and pinched hard. I got angry and tried to kick her. Every time I hurt her, she hurt me back. I felt helpless (trapped) and angry. I got loose, drove my car. | 1ANI, 2MOA, 2JKA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1FKA | CO D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0149 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-21 | F | YA | I was at a swimming pool. A woman is sniffing. "I smell smoke," she says twice. I think, "Huh." A man is concerned because he likes her but doesn't feel that he wants to give up smoking. I then get into the swimming pool at the shallow end. It is pretty pedestrian, so I start moving toward the deep end. I get to the rope and decide to brave it. I swim underwater. I open my eyes and see everything clearly, as if I weren't underwater. I see the feet, legs and tummies of the swimmers on top of the water, and the water swirling as they go through it. I then realize that I need to breathe and look up. I am way down deep. I start to swim for the surface. It's hard. About half way up, I feel the pressure in my lungs and can't help myself. I take a breathe. I'm aware that in reality I'd be drowning, but I'm O.K., I'm not drowning. | 1FSA, 1MSA, 2JSA | AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0150 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-21 | F | YA | I am in a movie theater eating popcorn. I find a coupon. I have won a prize. It's a big one. I get up to go to the candy counter. I realize that I left my purse at the seat, so I "conjure" it up. I ask the lady at the counter what my prize is. She shows me the picture on the coupon. It's a grill, lots of food. I ask her to repeat; she speaks but I can't understand the words. It's something about a scholarship to a college. I look up to see my Aunt Esther and Dora. I'm delighted to see them and I say, "Oh, How nice to see you. It's been a long time." We chat. Then I go outside. There is lots of water. I'm standing on a dock. I see 2 lines of relatives. Uncle Lionel has a white handkerchief over his face (lower half). He has an allergy. Some of my relatives get into a boat and drive away, across a wooden boundary between 2 bodies of water. Uncle Lionel is shocked. "I'd never be such a fool as to do that." Then my father gets into a small row boat and I get in. He slowly and carefully goes over the wooden boundary. The motor gets caught. My father says "Uh-oh." I say, "Don't tell me uh-oh, when we're in deep water." We then get over the thing. Then I'm in a canal. An Indian guide is behind me paddling. He is reciting the legends of our people. I feel like I'm going home. | 1FOA, 2JKA, 1MKA, 2JKA, 1MKA, 1MEA | HA D, CO 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0151 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-23 | F | YA | Earthquake. I'm at college. I know it's coming. I get out of the building and stand in a clear space. I see "downtown" buildings across the street. It hits. The top story of the building opposite me slides off (half the building), backwards, away from me. I'm relieved. A building with many people screaming in it, fear in their faces. It slides down the street into another building. People fall and are killed and hurt. I see Stan. I'm a little glad. I give him the name of Williams. I see or "feel" a building down the block fall forward into another building. I feel sick. My children are there, and so is Howard. I'm standing in a crowd. I go to see if my children are O.K. They are. I'm relieved. Howard is O.K. I'm "sort of" glad. Grudging. | 2JSA, 1MKA, 2JKC, 1MKA, 2JSA | HA D, HA D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0152 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-23 | F | YA | I was on duty doing registration on a river boat. I am dressed in an English "bobby" policeman costume. A young man likes me. He wants to kiss me and take me out. I am flattered. We go to the back of the boat to watch an extension raft that has Dixieland musicians. I pat my new haircut and want my "bobby" helmet that I left somewhere. He says, "Don't worry, you don't need it." I say, "But I want it." It appears on my head. I pat it. The banjo player is central in the group. They have some difficulty staying on the raft. I agree to go out with the man. I suggest we exchange addresses. He agrees. I get teased by other counselors about my affair, but they are supportive. | 1MSA, 2JOA, 1MOA, 2IOA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0153 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-23 | F | YA | I have died and gone to heaven. I'm confused. I'm not too sure where I am or what to do. It's a check-in counter. A tired woman (overworked) asked me if I used too many credits (like overdue books). I say, "No. If anything, I've used too few," (I feel a little guilty, like I'm lying, maybe). She has a file folder to check later. Cory is standing next to me. He has died around the same time I have. She gives us our instructions. We will now go live in the clouds. If it is too crowded, which it is getting to be by now, we will move on out into space. I feel some hesitancy about doing so. I don't want to yet. She says, "It's permissible to return to Earth and visit people. It is forbidden to make yourself known to the living. However, some of them are very sensitive and will feel our presence." I go back to Earth and sort of curl around some people. I want to hang around the ones that feel my presence and miss me. I find it hard to pull away from them. | 1FSA, 1MKA, 2JSA | CO D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0154 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-24 | F | YA | I was in a house. There was something scary in there. | null | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0155 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-24 | F | YA | Nate, his wife and his mother-in-law stopped by the house (my grandmother Agnes' house). We talked like acquaintances. I was nervous. I started helping with her Christmas cards. My daughter Paulina, was making some books. She asked me to read the instructions. I was knitting. Nate kept being around me and I was nervous for fear that I would give away our relationship. Her mother watched us closely. It was hard to concentrate on what I was doing. Paulina got mad at me because I hadn't listened to her closely enough and she made smaller books. I said, "But they are lovely. I thought that's the size you said." She was appeased. I kept writing addresses on cards. There was a homemade house (miniature) with mice and hamsters in it. There was no cage or screen, just the make of the front kept them in. One of the mice wore a red and white polka dot handkerchief on her head. I commented on the nice workmanship on the house. As I was doing the cards, the mom came to me and asked, "Are you in love with Nate?" I stammered and acted like righteous indignation. I said, "See this house we're in? My Aunt and Uncle have lived here since before I was born." I pointed to the places I used to play. "They've been remodeled haven't they?" asked Nate. It was done up nicely. Where horses and crumbly barns used to be, now there was interior decorator "house beautiful" barns (stone) and lawns. I finished the cards and started to leave. I got my cards and their cards mixed up. I stopped, embarrassed. "Oh, dear," I said, "I forgot to separate them." I did that. Nate hovered near me all the time. At one point, he pinched my arm and I jumped and said, "Don't touch me!" I felt caught. The cards turned into a pile of clothes, the arms of things kept falling and I kept trying to contain the pile. I started walking back to my grandmother's house. I told Nate what she had asked me. I felt she liked me some. There were bramble bushes, gravel, a white goat that eyed my pile of clothes with interest. I struggled to get home. I was almost there. Some watchers commented on me. I had to step on top of tables to get to my destination. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 2ANI, 1MKA | AP D, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0156 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-25 | F | YA | Traveling mountains. Tough going. Lydia and I take a journey together. We start to look for a road or path. I say, "Not too easy, not so scenic." She points to a steep hill with trees and gravel. I look back at my mother. Then the hill is a stepladder in a closet. We climb up the ladder and get to the top shelf. We look into the next room. 2 young women, cousins. They join us on our side. Something about cold, starving, but we survive. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 2FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0157 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-25 | F | YA | A boy is upstairs. A man comes to the door. "I," a woman, answer the door. I'm tired, spent, anger, but just old and smoldering. The boy comes downstairs. I pick him up and take him back to his room. I "see" a fire starting on the blue curtains but don't see it. I turn and go downstairs. It spreads. Then I, the young man, am being run out of town. I've burned the house and my parents. I'm a bad person. The community won't talk to me. They just point as I walk by. An older woman is speaking to the priest. Incest (incensed) that he has given me the best room in a retreat. I see Swiss cottage motel rooms. He says, "Leave him alone. He's gone through enough," (as I wake up, I'm thinking, "he's a psychic, oh, I dreamed about a psychic," but I can't remember that part). | 1MSA, 1FSA, 2JKA, 1FSA, 1MOA | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0158 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-25 | F | YA | The kids and I were in a house. Howard came to the door. He was going to hurt me and rape me. The kids started to go to him to open the door. I yelled, "No! What are you doing to me?" I ran to the phone. I dialed the police. I yelled, "Quick. A man is going to hurt me. I'm at XXX." I repeated the message. He came in. I ran. I was afraid (I can't remember the rest). | 2JKA, 1MKA, 2MOA, 1MSA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0159 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-25 | F | YA | Abner, my cousin, is going to get married (only it's sort of Cory). He asks my girlfriend and me (probably Bonnie), to get the wedding ready for him. We go to the chapel but it's terribly crowded. Someone is having a wedding just before his time. We go around to the side door and peak in. Then we sneak through a skinny door to the banquet area, to get that prepared. Lots of people are there eating. They don't like us there and ask us to leave. I'm somewhat embarrassed. I try to quietly leave through the skinny door but my hand keeps getting caught in it as I try to shut it. Cory is there. He's wearing bright red lipstick. So is Bonnie. I apologize that we can't prepare before. I get butterfly feelings in my tummy because I will be a bridesmaid and have to stand up there in front of all those people (like old crowd anxiety). Cory says, "Never mind. It's O.K." We go out into hall. He has a large "baggie" with clothes in it. He says he has perfected a calming thing. If you swallow it, you will be calm, peaceful, and relaxed. I say, "Even me? Huh. I'm never like that." He says, "Even you." Then I say, "But will I be able to do anything? I don't want to be so calm that I can't do things that are interesting." He says, "No problem." He has 2, one for art and one for writing. I want the art one, thinking art is writing also. He says, "It doesn't matter." | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1ISA, 2JSA | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0160 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-26 | F | YA | Howard, hovering around, wanting us to be together. I have a tight smile on my face. I keep turning away from him, but I'm tempted. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0161 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-27 | F | YA | I was chair of a committee. I was getting people's names and phone numbers. We were in a nightclub. Some applesauce liquor was poured into my soda. Each member of the committee got a different color liquor. Some tough men, older Mafia types came into the club and complained because there was no entertainment or booze. It was too high brow. I soothed them down. Suddenly, some woman was on stage. Her back was to the audience, doing the bump and grind. There was beer and wine on sale. The place was a seedy joint. I felt badly about the entertainment. I went down the stairs to the dressing room. I put on makeup and an evening dress. I got up there and sang my heart out. They liked it. It was classy. I came back out. The owner was gruff. He was ordering his help around in a mean way. They were pissed at him. There was a commotion at the door. Some blacks were crashing, and the whites got up to leave. It was riot city. I jumped up and said, "Wait. We can all work it out." I ran to the stage. The men grabbed me and started to pick me up and carry me up the stairs. I pleaded, "No please, don't! You'll hurt me! You're all angry; I can do it myself." The men said, "The boss told us we have to. We don't want to, believe me." I started ordering everyone. I told the boss he'd better shape up and treat people nicely and he might get better results. He was shocked and started to argue. I stopped him. He glowered and then agreed. I told the men to carry me to the stage and I'd introduce them to a nice blonde woman, "Sandra," who was rich. They were surprised and then got nice and agreed. They got me up on stage. People were walking out. I got the mike and said, "Wait. You're gonna miss something neat if you leave." I started belting out "I am woman." I pushed the curtain back so I could play to the whole club (arena-like stage). I saw on the left, a red plush banquet set up. No one was there. Everyone started dancing and enjoying themselves. Blacks, whites, men, and women, all together. I was the pivotal peace maker. | 2JSA, 2MEA, 1FSA, 1MOA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1MEA | SD D, CO 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0162 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-27 | F | YA | I was in an office. My student helper was assisting me getting some info I needed. I seemed to start on an errand but I would forget something and not be able to complete it. Then, an old man walked in, the boss. He was upset. He wore red silk pajamas tailored like a suit. He took them off to show red veins marked on his legs. They went to the heart, like a blood poisoning line. He was scared. He was in poor health with a bad heart and this meant he was going to die soon. I assisted him into his office. I called the doctor. I had some trouble getting his name (Rexford), and trouble dialing the number. A secretary found the number for me. The man was scared and moaning, lying on the floor in front of the desk. The secretary left the room and then a girl came out of the closet and exhaled lots of smoke. She was almost caught smoking and had hidden. She thanked me for not squealing. I nodded. Then the doctor came on the line. I told him what had happened. The doctor was crying, distraught. I said, "Is there anything I can do for him?" The doctor said, "Oh yes, there's lots you can do. Give him some milk." I looked around the room. I saw a glass of milk on the desk. I thought about giving him a breast, but I had no milk. I went back to the desk and got the milk. I talked to him as I went, soothingly. He said, "I don't want any milk." I said, "If you drink your milk, I'll give you a kiss, a French kiss after every gulp." He said, "Then I'll drink a gallon." I then found a bottle of beer. I took that to him. I asked the doctor if beer was O.K. Maybe the beer, or my kisses, would be too much and he'd die. The doctor said, "The beer is fine." I asked the man how old he was. He looked at me and said, "10 days old." I said, "Huh?" He laughed and said, "You've been here 10 days and I feel like I was born when I met you." | 1FKA, 1MOA, 1FOA, 1MOA, 1FSA | AP 1FKA, SD 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0163 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-27 | F | YA | Patsy and I are going to rehearse for a scene for a play. I get on her shoulders, my long skirt dropped over her head. I worry she'll smell a vagina odor. We walk around like that. We're in a big office. I'm an employee there. It's my office. | 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0164 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-27 | F | YA | Co-worker Tyler comes by and wants to talk to me. I want to talk to him but people keep interrupting. | 1MKA, 2JSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0165 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-27 | F | YA | I am asleep in my office. I think I have the door shut. I'm very tired. I wake up and realize the door was open and probably people had walked by and seen me asleep on the job. A man walked up to the door and asked to come in to speak to me. I was on a couch. I said, "Come in," trying to be professional. I folded up the blanket and set it aside. I saw that the room was crowded with furniture, my desk, the couch, a school desk and a chair. The man spoke with an accent, Spanish I think. He seemed shy. I had difficulty understanding what he said. He said he was a representative of the telephone company and wanted to have an explanation of the MMPI. He showed me a letter that had a picture of people on it (drawn), and the statement 75%, one out of 4 makes us be this way (employers were complaining because their sick employees blamed them). I said, "Ah." I asked him his name. He said, "Don Juan Sanchos." I wanted to call him Paul. He had sad eyes. He seemed intense. I said, "I'll have to ask my supervisor as this is privileged information. I think it will be all right." I stepped out of the office and into Dylan's office. I said, "There's a rep from Ma Bell and he wants to see the MMPI manual. He seems legitimate. He wants to know about the 1 in 4 %'s." Dylan went to the counter to get the test. He said, "Someone else wants to see it too. Shall you do it or I?" "I could do it. I've done it once and I have taken a class. But I'd like you to do it. I'll watch and learn more." He agreed. I went back to my office. One of the desks was now a bed. It was like a dorm room (3 beds). I told them what happened and that Dylan would tell us out in the hall. Don Juan and Paul started whispering and giggling. I sat on the bed with my long skirt flowing around me. I said, "What is it?" They say, "Oh, nothing." I go to the bed directly opposite where they were sitting. Paul moved, so it was Don Juan and me. I adjust my skirt since as I plopped down on the bed. I had lost balance and fell back some, showing my feet and underslip. I giggled. I looked at Don Juan intently (counselor) and said, "Something's on your mind. I won't start the MMPI until you tell me." I lean forward; we are very close. He's shy and whispered, so I lay my head on his arm to hear better. It was a very soft and intimate moment. Soft laughter bubbled inside me. He whispered, "I'd like to ask you out on a date." I smiled and said (into his arm with a coy glance at his eyes), "The sooner the better." We laughed. (Before, he'd mutter and I'd say, "What," and he'd say, "Oh, nothing," but I knew what he said. "You didn't tell me you could walk"). My wheelchair was parked over to the side of the room. We went out into the hall. Chairs were set up. A whole class was in there. The only place to sit was on the same chair with Don Juan. It felt nice. We watched and listened as Dylan explained the test. He started by saying, "The mid-line in the eye is very important," and went up to a girl in the front row (she's shy). He examined her eye, nose to nose. It looked funny and we laughed (I remember having done these kinds of funny gestures in a skit). Later, I was going across campus (like L or University). I was thinking, "Where would be the best place to park my van so I have the least amount of walking between classes. I have one class in the Math building, one in the Home EC building." I then went to the "women's center office." Andrea was there. I told her of Don Juan. She said, "He's been here before, you know." Then I remembered that a year ago, when I was sick and in the chair, he came asking for the same information. I shared that I thought he came back because he liked me and I proudly told how I had been able to speak out and tell him that I'd like to go out with him, and then I felt a little badly because I remembered that I was still being passive. I hadn't set up the details of when we'd go out. I had been indirect again and I felt sure he'd pursue it. | 2JSA, 1MSA, 1MKA, 1MOA, 1ISA, 1ISA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0166 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-28 | F | YA | I have a small part in a play. Ginny plays the mother; I play the young daughter. We rehearse it. I talk to others about the fact that I have this part. I feel some sense of consequence because I have a part. Opening night comes. Ginny can't make it. I get there and realize that I have not attended one rehearsal. Now I'm embarrassed and guilty. I don't know when I come on, or my stage blocking. I go into the women's room, which is a dressing room. Men and women are there. I have to go to the bathroom. I'm embarrassed. I sit on a toilet with no covering stall. Desmond is putting on make up and he looks over at me. I feel embarrassed because my bare butt is showing. He speaks to me. I say, "I need to find the director." The play starts. Ethan is in the audience already. I see a man who is like a stage manager. I go to him and tell him who I am. He comes with me to another room down the hall to hear me do the part. I start to sing. He's interested in the voice quality, but I forget the words. I make excuses. I say, "I can't think why I didn't attend any rehearsals, oh I know, I was sick. I had a cold for a week and a half." I laughed nervously knowing there is no excuse to miss rehearsal. I'm amazed he's still considering me to go on. Ginny shows up. She's late and disorganized and not ready. The man says, "Practice and we'll see." | 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1MOA | AP D, AP D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0167 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-28 | F | YA | I'm crawling up some stairs. I have roller skates on my feet, wire rim glasses on and I carry a white, collapsible cane. A man asks me if I need help. He uses sign language and yells like I'm deaf. I'm annoyed with him and explain that I'm not totally blind, it's just my periphery vision that's gone. I go on my way. I'm shopping. I'm in a large department store, like Payless. My daughter Dovre is around but I can't see her. I remember that I'm going to meet her. I skate past many aisles of merchandise. I skate into the restaurant. I see several empty tables but decide to eat later. | 1MSA, 1FKA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0168 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-28 | F | YA | I am in the wilderness with a man (he's like Clint Eastwood). There is some attraction but I don't trust him so I rebuff him, and keep him at a distance. He starts to make love. I say, "Don't, I'm not interested in just sex, I want you to care about me." We're a little frustrated and angry with each other. I look up. There is a big hill and a cave. I go through the cave entrance and inside the cave is an open, grassy warm, hillside. The top of the cave opens to the sky. I have to travel to the top of the mountain to see what's on the other side. I go there. There are rooms. Some people are there. I don't trust them but they seem to be the ones that can transform me to a better being. One starts operating on me. He cuts me open. I'm now watching the operation near by. He messes around with my organs. I ask the person being operated on if it hurts, as they are awake. He or she says, "No, I've got acupuncture, and I don't feel it." It looks awful, blood and guts. The head is worked on. The person can now see and understand better. I step outside to see what's on the other side of the mountain as I'm now at the top. Fog, unclear, a sense of cold, and some uneasiness. | 1MSA, 2ISA, 1MSA, 1ISA | AN 1FKA+D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0169 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-30 | F | YA | I'm at school. Going to a meeting. Bonnie and I. | 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0170 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-30 | F | YA | George and I are traveling. He seems quite anxious to please me. I keep trying to get him to relax and not be so paranoid about my reactions to him. | 1MKA | AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0171 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-30 | F | YA | I was going camping, out by a river. 2 very tall giants were out there and they were trying to kill me. They were facing each other and I was running for cover between them. The only cover I could find was in the leg or the big toe of one giant. One giant killed the giant I was hiding in (or very near), and that giant killed the other one. They both fell to the ground. I crept out and lay down between them to sleep. Then the 2 giants were regular people, 2 men and a woman. We had no blankets and it was getting cold. The girl was complaining to her mate. We talked about the coldness of the river near by. I felt the cold of the air. I said, "I have a van (VW bus) near by. I have blankets. I'll get some." I did so. Then I was washing the VW bus with a hose of cold water (from the river). I was referred to as the "big Mama." I had power in the group. They listened to me. It was time to drive away. I did so. I am watching the bus leave. The tires were on the absolute edge of the precipice as I turned the vehicle around, but no problem. I saw the tire tracks right on the edge. | 2MSA, 1FSA, 2MSA, 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0172 | 1960-1997 | 1980-11-30 | F | YA | I was asleep in my bed at home. I was in a deep sleep, the kind on the edge of waking, just after you've fallen asleep. I was aware that I was fast asleep and meditating. My body slid to the side of the bed; I was in danger of falling out. My arm draped over the edge and my hand hit the floor. I felt it. I became afraid and wanted to wake up so I wouldn't fall and hurt myself. I decided to relax and flow with whatever happened. Then I was in an unidentified room sitting up but my body wasn't there. The only things in my room were a window and a chair. I felt myself growing smaller. The room got bigger and bigger. The chair got taller and taller until I was so small, I was the size of an insect. I then realized that if there were a spider in the room, I'd be so small it could really hurt me. I started growing bigger, out of fear. I began filling the room. I raised my arms skyward and I was as big as the Earth. My hands reached out clear into the stars. Suddenly, I saw a pair of hands holding my hands and I heard or sensed the statement, "I'm here." I feel overwhelmed with what I'd done, and retreated back to my sleeping body. I was still not able or ready to wake up yet. I flew for awhile, higher and higher. I was aware of a sense of height and that I'm afraid of heights in reality. I saw mountains and red and blue houses on farmed lands. I enjoyed my feeling of flying. I came back to my body. I was not willing to wake up yet. The rest is hazy, meeting people at a meeting. | 2JSA, 1ANI | AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0173 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-01 | F | YA | I was a sort of narrator to the story of Dabney and Nancy W. It was a saga. Dabney went off across America. He knew how to fix things. He met a farmer and offered to chop wood. The farmer got mean and tried to run him off the farm. He got his own axe and they had a "chopping" contest. The table they were chopping on was a beautiful dining room table. Then the farmer was outraged. Dabney fixed the table as if it hadn't been chopped. I was explaining to the farmer that he was very good and could do this. Another farmer came by and saw this. He asked me if Dabney could make a display case for his lintings (like lithographs). I said, "Sure he can." By now, Dabney was a baby about 10 months old. I carried him around but he was still capable of doing all these craft things. Now we were in the farmer's house. The baby had grown up. Now he was a younger brother and he was sort of me. I was also the sister and his older brother. The younger brother came to me and told us that he was in love. He had met this nice girl. We laughed and teased him. "How long have you known her?" "Oh, 2 days." We laughed. He went and got his tools to make the display case. A kitten slipped in the door. He scooted it out. Then a skunk came in. He carefully tried to get it out. It squirted him. 2 more skunks got in. He kicked them out. He complained to the farmer. The farmer got upset. The screen door was broken. A puppy got in. I got him back out. There were now kittens, mice, puppies and skunks out on the porch. A sea gull, wings spread, tried to soar in. I was fighting them off. A hummingbird got in. It threatened my face. | 1MKC, 1FKA, 1MOA, 1ANI, 2ANI, 1ANI | AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0174 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-02 | F | YA | I woke up later and saw the word "homosexual" or heard it. It was small. I thought, "Oh lord, no wonder I'm blocking." Then I thought maybe this means I am a homosexual, or just think I'm one, or afraid that I am one. I told myself to dream deeper. To explain more, that no matter what, I could handle it. It was better to live with no blocks, knowing myself as I truly am. Meanwhile, Nate had come over, really drunk, smelling of vomit and tried to make love to me. After he left, I had these dreams. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0175 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-02 | F | YA | I was in a house. It was rich. I wasn't welcomed. Nate was there, drunk and stinking. He kept chasing me, trying to make love to me. I was going up a long staircase and he'd catch me. I was not thrilled. A woman, his wife I think, was around and distrustful. I kept hearing a word, I don't know if it was "Forgiven" or "Forbidden." | 1MKA, 1FSA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0176 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-02 | F | YA | I was in a restaurant. 2 women were standing in front of me. One was saying to the other, "It sure is crowded...Oh look I see a spot. Do you mind if we sit at separate tables?" The other woman replied, "Yes, I mind. I don't want to be alone." Then the other woman saw a spot, near a man. She said, "Look, a man, over by the man. We can sit there." I was embarrassed and walked past them. I was looking for the restroom. The place was crowded. I walked to the back of the room. A long line of men were waiting for the men's restroom. I noticed there was no one waiting for the women's room. I thought, "Oh, because there aren't many women here." I walked past a bench with 3 men on it. They looked at me. I felt nervous and dropped eye contact. I had to step over 2 men in wheelchairs that were in the way. I went to the women's room. It was empty. I looked into the stalls. One was filled with vomit. I yelled out, "Nate!" all annoyed. He came in to fix the toilets. He flushed one. It worked and filled with clean water. He looked at me and I at him like, "Ah, good work." Then as he started to leave, it flushed again. We could tell by the sound that it was going to overflow. I looked around for someplace to sit, to get my feet up. I sat on the sink. The sewage and water spilled out on the floor and made a stream to the door, past me. Some women were coming in. I waved them to back up. I said, "Get out, this place isn't working." The water was getting higher. I thought, "If I stay here, I might drown," and then I knew that I couldn't, because the water was flowing out of the room. By now, I saw that the water was coming from a river, cold, clear water slightly contaminated with sewage. The water was waist high. George came up to me. He put his right hand to Andrea and with his left hand, he took my hand and pulled us into the water. We were going to swim for safety. I was a little annoyed. I didn't particularly feel I needed saving. He pulled me through the water. I tried to keep my cigs dry by holding them up and I tried to keep my head out of the water. When I kicked my feet or assisted, I got water in my face. When I let George pull, I was fine. We went through a door (the back of the toilet stall that had been a wall). A general in the army came up to me. I noticed that my feet touched bottom; the water was chest high. He looked at me with respect and compassion. He said, "After you get past this door, you probably won't remember much but that's for the best." His tone and face indicated I had been very heroic and had been through a difficult time. We swam along. He asked me what brand I smoked. I smiled. I said, "Salems." He said, "Oh, good." He had Salems and was so pleased he wouldn't have to offend me with a different brand. I noticed that the Salems he offered me were shorter. I said, "Oh, well, that's O.K." We swam into a lobby. I saw a young "Mickey Rooney" movie star. He was full of ego, asking people in a seemingly offhand way if they thought he was a good actor. Then someone said to me, "Have you seen the movie '2 soccors'?," a story of 2 women who heroically trained for a race, or to play the game of soccer. I saw the woman training, running straight up a tracked hill and the pain and the exhaustion on their faces. I admired their guts. Then I said, "I didn't like the movie because the movie featured the trials and tribulations of Robert Redford (a grown up Mickey Rooney), and only indirectly told the story of these brave women." Real sexist. I then saw Robert Redford up in a plane. It was about to explode and then it did. He reached back and picked up something and fell out. I thought, "Ugh, how awful to be falling to Earth and knowing that in a few seconds you'll be dead." A bunch of jet planes, with flames coming out of the after burners, saw him fall and turned in formation to get to him. I thought, "How silly. So many of them and they can't do any good." He crashed. I saw the jet land and was amazed how fast they could land. Then I walked back to the restaurant and the dream cycled over again. | 2FSA, 1FSA, 2MSA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA | AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0177 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-03 | F | YA | I am in acting class, during a break. I'm outside. I notice a commotion and see that Desmond has come back to town. He's greeting friends. He sees me. I smile. He holds out his arms to hug me. I walk into the hug. I feel slightly uptight and glad to see him. I say, "There's a chair near where I'm sitting. I'll clear it off for you." He says, "Great." I've got books all over it. I clear it off. I'm chewing bubble gum. I'm on the floor picking up books and papers and my mouth keeps filling with saliva. I am aware that he is preparing to show the class his scene that he left town to do. I look up. He's doing a male strip tease. He has an earring in one ear. He does a satire on stripping with a mild bump and grind. He runs to the audience. It looks like he's running to me and then he goes on to other members of the class. He dances around a large fat man. Then, 2 girls bring a pile of sheets and hold it around him so he can change his costume. | 1MKA, 2ISA, 1MSA, 2FSA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0178 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-05 | F | YA | A girlfriend and I went to an old high school wrestling match (like a reunion). I thought Darryl might be there. I watched others wrestle. One very big man and another littler man play "wrestle." They ran up to the bleachers where I sat and play wrestled around me. I pretended to stand between them. Everyone laughed. I saw Darryl. He was sitting on other bleachers with other wrestlers. He came over to talk. We kissed twice, like old friends who were a little ill at ease. I remembered him saying, "It was O.K., wasn't it?," (our past together). I said, "Sure." I told him, "It was lucky they had good doctors in this town. My appendix broke in E City and no one could fix it, so I had to come back to the old home town and they fixed it. That's why I happened to be at the matches." It was snowing outside the doors (the entire wall) was open. I asked if they could be shut. Darryl's mom asked pointedly if I wouldn't be leaving soon and maybe it'd be a bother to have to open them again. Darryl shut them. Then I went downstairs to get a couple of hamburgers to eat and realized it was 10 of 1 and I was late to pick up Paulina. I handed the raw hamburger patties with catsup on them to a woman and said, "I'm late and have to go. Can you give these to whoever is in charge?" She was perturbed at me and wanted to know why I didn't do it myself. I felt guilty and realized I'd done it again. I played helpless. I started to leave. The stairway was now a rough wooden beam I had to shinny up. I was getting splinters in my legs and it was difficult going. Then, I'm in my van looking for the freeway and I'm in a hurry. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1MOA, 1FSA, 1FSA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0179 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-08 | F | YA | Something about the planet Saturn and focus. A sense of foreboding (or wondering what it meant). Mild & also Scorpio but it wasn't Scorpio. | 1ISA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0180 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-08 | F | YA | Claire K (a client) got engaged. She asked me if I was sad because she was engaged. I said, "Yes and no." Yes, because she'd now be busy with someone else all the time and no because it was good for her. She gave me a pair of glasses to give to her daughter, quick. Her daughter would get sick and cause earthquakes or something if she didn't have her glasses on. I went in to the counselor meeting. Lucy was playing pool and all the counselors from the community college were there in a meeting. I stepped in front of Lucy to put the glasses on her. She peered at me. I put them on her. She said, "Ah, you're Barb Sanders." The other counselors looked up at me (they were sitting), then she looked at all of them. "Now," she said, "You'll all have to say your names again so I'll know who you are." I saw Co-worker Tyler looking at me. I felt sad. I left the meeting. I felt like I'd lost my friends. I lamented to Claire, "I could have been in that meeting with them all night and enjoyed them, but I can't now. It's all gone." Then I called Andrea to discuss my concern about Claire. She patched our call in with Susan G. Susan G disagreed with Andrea. She said, "No, there's too much dog," (counselor talk for dogma). Andrea gasped. She was wrong and couldn't believe it. I felt a kind of "gotcha" feeling. Then I was vigorously ironing a skirt with lots of wrinkles. A pleat (like in a skirt I made in Jr. High). I was doing a pretty good job but making a few more wrinkles with my somewhat sloppy vigorous ironing method. The hem was undone and unraveled (frazzled). | 1FKA, 1FSA, 2IOA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA | SD D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0181 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-11 | F | YA | Some man and I were chaperons or protectors of a group of adolescent children. We were in a jungle. There was a tribe out there in the jungle that was out to get us. I had 2 dogs to guard me wherever I went, a black one and a cream colored one. This man and I were very attracted to each other, in the throes of falling in love, but we were always involved with helping these kids. They were between us. Early one morning, I got up to take a bath on the porch. It was a rare moment of privacy. One of the adolescent boys woke up the man and suggested he take this opportunity to speak to me. He did. He approached me. We looked at each other. We were wearing bathrobes and mine was partially undone exposing parts of me in a seductive (innocent) way. I sprayed water on him from the hose and we laughed. He and I kissed. The dogs then got restless (not because of us but because they sensed danger from the jungle). The man and I were then captured by the enemy tribe (I never saw them), and taken away. Now we're in separate circles (like a hut, only there is no hut). I was naked, had long blonde hair I was tied up. I was eating food out of a dish like an animal. He snuck a message to me; it was written on computer print-out paper (the message was handwritten and in code). He started with "Dear Naked Girl: Couldn't help but notice." It was a joke and I smiled. I then broke my bonds and was able to escape. I had a choice. I could assist him to break his bonds and we could escape together, or I could escape and send back help. He urged me to go on and I agreed reluctantly because I'd be likely to get caught again if I went back for him alone. I traveled through the jungle. It was rough. I made it back and rescued him by sending back reinforcements. Then, I was in an office with lots of window spaces. I was on the phone talking with some sales person. I kept asking for his product; he kept sending defective ones to me. I refused to accept it and then he sent me another and it was also defective and I refused it. Finally, I got angry. I told him firmly that not only will I not accept this shoddy treatment but I shall officially complain to his headquarters. He was pissed and left the phone. A woman secretary responded to me. She tiredly agreed but said it was probable it won't do any good. I noticed my evidence was fading away and I felt frustrated and wanted to give up the pursuit. Then, co-worker Tyler came into the office. He, Kathleen and I were to have a talk. Tyler and I walked up a long stair case and sat on the top (like thrones on a roller coaster ride). Then Kathleen came up the stairs. Someone said that she did a great job rescuing Tyler in the jungle single-handedly but now she should apologize to Tyler for undermining his male ego. Tyler looked relieved and said, "Oh, good. I would really like that. It would help." I looked at him. I was surprised and sad because he was like all the rest and I thought he wasn't. Kathleen then approached slowly and ceremoniously. She bowed her head and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I stood up and said, "I'm sorry but I simply can't handle this. I'm leaving." I felt badly because of what was happening (both the scene and my leaving). I walked down the long steps and went into my office. I shut all the doors and windows and started pacing. I felt suppressed, upset, sad, and angry. I wanted to go back to explain to them why I had left, but I thought it was futile. I wanted to pack up and leave, but that would be quitting. Kathleen walked in. She was very angry with me. She lectured me and said, "Isn't it amazing how one little thing can put a stop to everything? And it's all over?" I said, "Wait, I want to explain." She snapped, "Explain? Tyler was ready. He wanted to get close. He said you should give up Ellie's estate because you can't handle her. He said you should not have changed your name and should change it back." I said, "He told you that?" I was half annoyed and half wondering what it all meant about Tyler and me. "Would he have told me that if I'd stayed?" She said, "You? No, He would have told Helen." I wondered who Helen was but sensed that it was someone like a wife he had. Kathleen slammed the door on me. I went to the bottom of the stairs and looked up. I saw Tyler talking to the man in the jungle. I wanted to go up and talk to straighten it out, but then I gave up. It was too overwhelming. | 1MSA, 2JSA, 2ANI, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1MOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0182 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-11 | F | YA | I had center coverage at 1:30 in the morning. The phone rang. It was Claire K, a client, then she changed to Ernie. He was threatening me. He was going to kill me. He was standing outside my locked door. I could see his feet through the crack at the bottom of the door. I quietly picked up the phone to call the police. The line was busy (twice). | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2MOA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0183 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-11 | F | YA | I dreamt that I woke up to see my daughter Paulina floating on the ceiling. She was naked, with long blonde hair, sleeping in a curled position. I got frightened and looked to my right to be reassured that Paulina was her regular little girl self asleep beside me. She was, and I calmed down. I had a sense of fear about this visualization, like I was seeing her/me in a past life. | 1FKC | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0184 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-13 | F | YA | I was 21 years old. My father was Jerry Lewis. I was going to go to the show. He and I were very close. We were hugging and touching all the time. The thought "incestuous relationship" came to mind, but I dismissed it because it didn't feel sexual. It felt suffocating and cloying. He loved me so much that he needed to be near me all the time. He treated me like a child. I wanted to see a particular movie because of a good looking movie star. He refused to let me. He was jealous of my interest in this other man. I told him, "Hey, I'm 21 years old." He looked hurt and scared. He sneered and said, "If you see this man, I'll cut you off from my money. Ha! How will you support yourself?" I felt confident, strong. I said, "I have skills and talents." I listed some and added that I could type 70 words a minute and if I had to, I could be a clerk-typist. I wouldn't starve. I left him. I felt sad to leave him but I knew I must go to be free to grow. I traveled alot. I think I went to college. I was in a dorm room. A woman came in, young. She was going to help me and that would be a nice surprise for me, a gift. She was going to fix up my room. I hid in the closet. She talked to me even though she didn't know where I was. She came to the closet. She said, "I'm going to sort your clothes and I'll mend any that have rips in them." I hid in my blue bathrobe in the middle of the rack. She started at one end. She picked up a dress. It was frilly and small, like for a young girl. She said, "I don't know why you chose this dress. It was silly of you to do it. You could have had the other. It was better," (I think the other was a serviceable sweat shirt). I felt somewhat embarrassed and amazed that I had chosen the baby dress. She started telling me she was jealous of me because I could always do everything so well, and I always got everything she wanted. I felt badly for her. I came out of the closet to talk with her. Then I heard an awful buzzing. I looked at the window. There were giant bees that looked like chickens that had flown in the room. Their heads were in the room, but their bodies were still outside. They were dangerous. We got scared and decided to leave the room. As we got to the door, one got in. He flew out down the hall and I tried to shut the door and he flew back into the room and I got out of the room and tried to shut the door. The woman handed me a rifle. She said to kill it. It was a 3030 rifle. "This is the only size gun that will kill it." I started to take aim. A man (perhaps Howard), was holding the bee (now a cute black puppy), so I could kill it. I told the man to get out of the way. If I missed, he'd get hurt. He laughed. He had total confidence in my ability. He would not move. I couldn't get him to, so I took careful aim. The gun was covered with papers and a screw was loose. I tightened it up. It was complex and difficult, but I got the gun fixed. I took careful aim at the head of the bee/puppy and fired. I got it. It slowly died. It was awful to see. Then I went down the hall. My "father" was there. He was semi-laying on a waiting room bench. He looked old and ill, a dazed look in his eyes. He caught my hand and begged me silently to listen to him. He kept asking, "Why, why, couldn't I have loved that man? Why did I decide he wouldn't do for my daughter? Because of him, she left me." I soothed him and said, "Hey, you can't love everybody. It's O.K." He looked tired and sad. I looked into his ears. A white milky substance was in them. I was examining him like a doctor. Another doctor (male), came up to watch. My father looked "caught" and said, "Oh why are you here? I don't want you to know." The male doctor picked him up to take him to the hospital. He had had a stroke and couldn't make his legs work. As he was being taken away, a cart with many beautiful things from all different foreign countries was coming down the hall for him. They were gifts from his daughter who was returning from his (her?) many travels to see him. Funeral or mystery music followed the cart. | 1MKA, 1MPA, 1FSA, 1FSA | SD 1FKA, SD D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0185 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-13 | F | YA | There was a meeting. A woman was lecturing. She gave us papers and we tested ourselves on some language disorder (we didn't have it; we were counselors and needed to know about the new test). Rochelle whispered to me, "Shouldn't we ask her about her spinal disability?" I said, "No! Goodness, you know how you feel when people ask you personal questions." We argued. I then got a phone call. It was a client (Terrance). I answered the phone briskly. He stammered and said, "Never mind." I felt badly and tried to be supportive. He hung up. Rochelle and I continued to argue, so I went up to the lady and diplomatically asked her impersonal questions to find out if she had a spinal disease. She fielded it and never answered. I dropped it. I left. When I got down to the street, I looked up at the windows. Rochelle put signs and pictures indicating to the world that I was a bastard and an all together rotten person. I shrugged my shoulders but felt embarrassed, because the counselors would all see it. I decided it didn't matter. I went into building across street and into my room. Co-worker Tyler and other counselors were there. They had decorated my room with Xmas things. Tyler was smiling and saying, "2 years ago, we didn't have a chance to properly welcome you. So we're doing it now." It was pleasant. | 1FSA, 1MKA, 2IOA, 1MKA | AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0186 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-15 | F | YA | I was in a house, a ranch house. Paul Newman came in. We discussed what it was like when he took acting from the same teacher I am taking it from. He described doing real acting assignments in Hollywood. I was disappointed because all we do is rehearse and perform in class. I felt envious of his good experiences and sad that it still wasn't that way. As we were talking, a feeling of camaraderie developed. I then saw a flood rising outside. My rancher father was concerned because he'd have to ride out and see if it would threaten our ranch. I ran to the door and stopped him. I said, "Wait. I'm a better rider and lighter. I'll go." He refused. I said, "Are you afraid that if something happens to me, others will talk because I'm a girl and you should have gone." He muttered, "Ya." I got ready to go. I looked out the window. Water was swirling around. Paul Newman looked to the mountains and said, "It's not so bad." I drew him to the window and showed him. We were looking at the wrong place. He gave me his T-shirt to wear. It was too tight and he had to help me put it on. I was embarrassed. The water was rising and we had to escape out the window. We swam and found a high niche of ground and crawled up there. We kissed. There was a feeling of closeness. We really liked and respected each other. Then, the water receded and we had to go back. He and I were sad because we had to part. He was married and was in love with his wife. I got my horse and sloshed through the lowering water level back to the ranch alone. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1ANI | SD D, AP 1FKA, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0187 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-17 | F | YA | Nate dove into a pool and was caught by something strong and fierce, maybe a snake because he swirled and struggled in a downward struggle. I felt very detached. Then, I was sitting in my room and I heard a door in the back slam. Nate stumbled in clutching his stomach. He was in terrible pain. I went to him and he cried out in pain when I touched him. He said, "Call the hospital. I was attacked!" I was shook up. I tried to comfort him and looked for the hospital # in the phone book. I was looking in the yellow pages. I couldn't find it. I felt scared and frustrated. I talked to Nate. "It's going to be all right." He said, "Hurry, hurry, oh, the pain." I felt guilty because I realized that I had watched him struggle and didn't lift a finger to help him. I was also aware that the attack was meant for me. We were 1 block from the hospital. I said, "Can I help you over there?" He cried out, "No, get an ambulance because of the pain!," (possible internal injuries). I tried looking in the white pages, but I couldn't find it, and then I noticed the part of the pages in the "S's" had been tampered with. I felt ominous, like the attacker had done it. I tried the yellow pages again. In frustration, I called information. A tired woman came on and said, "I'll help you look for your number but I won't do it for you." I explained the emergency and she grudgingly agreed to find it while I was waiting. I said, "Oh, I guess I can't visit you because I'll run into your wife." He said, "Yes you can, I'll call when it's clear." | 1MKA, 1ANI, 1FSA | AP D, AN D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0188 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-18 | F | YA | Lots of rain. I'm driving down a road. Parts of it are flooded. I see little cozy cottages, Victorian, with fireplaces. They look inviting. I pass up a bunch because there's a really nice one down the road. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0189 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-18 | F | YA | I am at L College. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0190 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-18 | F | YA | I go to a meeting. I walk in. I bring co-workers Josh and Dylan in with me. I sit in a high backed office chair (that has a foot rest like Dr. X's chair). I sit in it to get hypnotized. My chair is facing to the right, perpendicular to desk. An old lady and a detective are on the bench with Josh and Dylan and look to the man behind the desk. I introduce, "Josh, Director of C. and Dylan, Coordinator of Counseling." The man behind the desk observes these guys with their titles and he introduces himself with some large title. Josh looks like his usual confused and uncertain self. Dylan looks supportive. I ask the man if he's done as I had asked, to find the person and all about him without letting him know anything about me. The detective and the old lady then took me to find this person. I don't know who it is (maybe my father). | 2MKA, 1FSA, 1MOA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0191 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-19 | F | YA | I am in bed with Paulina but it's my office. I'm asleep. I'm awakened because Claudia comes in and sits on my pillow. She wants to talk to me about her troubles. I awaken in a start and mumble, "I don't want to deal with you guys," (the C. department). She says, "Oh no, it's just my problem," and blabs on. Finally she leaves. I start to go back to sleep. Paulina twists and mumbles in her sleep. She "follows me" around on the bed in her sleep. She wants to be near me all the time. Then I'm aware that she has wet the bed. Then the door opens and Fletcher comes in. He's lost weight. He gives me a ring and a bracelet. I say, "What's this?" He says, "It's a token of my love for you." He has come to tell me he loves me. I feel uncomfortable because I don't love him. I say, "I can't accept these gifts," and he sits with his back to me at the foot of the bed and says, "Oh, don't worry, they're worthless. Just trinkets I picked up." I ask, "Are you sure?," (because I think he's lying and they are valuable). Paulina stirs. I worry about her hearing. I feel jealousy from her. Then Fletcher starts talking about us. He's come so we can be together now. I'm thinking, "Oh, wait a minute! What's going on here?" He brings in a wire rack with things hanging off it, a glove, roses on a hat. I look at them nostalgically. I say, "How nice it is to see old parts of costumes I used to wear in a play." I put on the glove. It's leather (and too big). I am enjoying the articles and the fond memories of plays on stage. I'm aware of counseling people listening in at the door. He's now sitting up at the head of the bed. I look at him and pause, and then I say "I don't love you." I'm aware then of my abruptness and worry about having hurt his feelings. I then say, "But I like you, as a friend." He grimaces but accepts. Then Paulina and I get up. An older couple is at the door. It's very windy and cloudy but they are going to give us a helicopter ride. I ask the man, "Is this safe?" He says, "Sure, no problem. The copter will go up over the winds and will have a safe journey." We get in. The winds are fierce. We go high real fast. I think, "Oh dear, I'm afraid of heights." I then look out and we're so high that I'm not scared anymore. It's fun. It's a smooth ride. We ride over the river and the clouds. We land on the other side (N City, I think). We stay for awhile and then go back. Now I'm in the bed again with Paulina and Fletcher is there. I say, "You'd better go. I think the hotel manager is listening in and he's out to get you." I go to the door and open it up. He's out there. He's a short man (the guy in Taxi on T.V). He's a meany, suspicious. We talk. I pretend innocence. Then Fletcher comes out. He says, "I'll see you later," and walks past us. The manager is very upset. He wants to strangle Fletcher. Fletcher is playing with him. Fletcher yells taunts or makes funny faces and then pretends to run. The manager tears after him and almost catches him and then Fletcher runs again to do it all over. I feel apprehension and yell at Fletcher, "Cut it out; he could really hurt you." Fletcher keeps it up. Then at the top of the stairs, the manager catches Fletcher and starts to strangle him. Fletcher makes an awful sound in his throat. Just then, I wake up because Paulina is snoring. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2IOA, 1MKA | AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0192 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-19 | F | YA | I'm in an acting class. We have to chose a final scene. I chose a humorous monologue that has few words, most of it is gestures. I start to practice. There is a feeling of nervous performance energy. I get into my costume. I'm pacing and rehearsing. The owner of the tavern/acting instructor comes over to me. He has to leave for awhile. He asks me to take over temporarily. I am a little annoyed and surprised because I'm into my rehearsal. I agree. I go out to the table and sit down. The customers are watching the finals. A girl is up onstage doing her monologue. A drunk yells out, "Everybody be quiet, I want to watch her!" A man at the next table behind him yells, "The only one being noisy here is you!" The drunk gets up. He yells, "I knew some drunk would ruin it." He goes to the other man and pulls and twists his nose. A big fight starts. I think, "Oh no," and then I feel strong enough to handle it. I get up and firmly grasp one of the fighters by the shoulders and firmly tell him he has to leave. Even though the place is in an uproar, they hear me and start to calm down. I think it is ironic that I have to throw out the man who claimed he wanted it quiet and then started the fight. After he leaves, the boss comes back. He's asking me how it went and I'm telling him. While I'm talking, he sits in front of me and looks up at me with sexy desire in his eyes. I look very beautiful but my costume is satin cushions or pillows over the front of me. He is caressing those pillows tentatively like he'd like to remove them and touch me but isn't sure of himself in terms of how I would react. I am emotionally somewhat removed and just watching him. | 1MOA, 2ISA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1MOA, 1MOA | AN D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0193 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-20 | F | YA | I am having an affair with Pedro (dean at the community college). We are sitting at a luncheon table. I am in my wheelchair. I drive up to the table and my foot petal gets caught on the leg of the table and I cause the whole table to move. I am embarrassed and get wide eyed and cover my mouth with my hand. Someone named Mitzy gets squished a little and I ask her if she's all right. I have to go teach a class. Somehow, everyone has found out about the affair and I'm embarrassed. I decide to cancel my class, so at 3:00, I won't have to meet Pedro. However, I had ordered some books and they had just come in. Paulina and I go to the gym to get the books. The gym is in the same building as my class, so I sort of sneak in. I ask directions. I find it. I start looking for my sack of books. I see some needlepoint and I think it's mine. A lady comes up to me and asks how she can buy the books. I say, "Oh no, these are ordered. If you take some books you are taking them away from others." "Oh," she says, "I didn't know." Paulina and I leave. There is a big vicious dog, a German Shepherd with teeth barred. We run and get into the van so he can't get us. Some man in the van laughs and says, "Ha! So you think he's vicious, huh? I can handle him." He opens the door. I plead with him not to. He goes out there. I'm afraid. I shut the door so he can't get me and Paulina (the dog). I notice the keys are in the ignition and I feel a little safer. Pedro is with us now. Then a lady says she's going out there. The dog's been tamed. I plead with her. She goes. I hear the dog attack her, and rip her to shreds. Later, the coast seems clear, so Paulina and I scramble out of the van and into the building for safety. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FSA, 1ANI, 1MSA, 1ANI | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0194 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-21 | F | YA | There is some sort of meeting. A bunch of male counselors and me. Hank, Tyler, some others and I meet on an island. This is our second meeting. The first one was five years ago. We greet each other enthusiastically. I'm talking to Hank. I'm reminiscing about the first meeting. I say, "Can you imagine, we had Nixon and XXX, his side kick, here. I say it somewhat hushed because I'm not sure if everybody feels the same way I do. I'm amazed that we'd have sickies like that in our group. | 2MOA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 2ISA, 1MPA | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0195 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-21 | F | YA | I'm teaching class. One of my students is questioning something. I'm being patient. Co-worker Josh and Pedro come to see me. They are full of some news or concern. They show me a large board with metal bars displayed on it. These are the new bars for the jail. They strike the bars and musical notes sound. It's very pretty. They say, "But, well, radical Feminists." I say, "I don't understand." They look embarrassed. One says, "You know what we mean." I say, "No, I don't. Please explain." They start to explain but it's confusing. It's something about how awful it will be to have radical Feminists in the same jail as the physically disabled. Contamination, bad stuff. I am a little amused by them. I say, "I still don't understand." They say, "Wait, we'll get something and come back to explain." They leave. I feel that they are leaving to get more at ease so they can come back and not be so embarrassed. There are 2 metal boxes. They are hot. It's a train. A little girl gets out of one box. Then a metal tong reaches into the second box. Many letters and papers and money are pulled out. The metal tongs are necessary because everything in the box is so hot. The papers and financial stuff are cooling. There is a feeling that the little girl is poor and an object of fun. | 1IKA, 2MKA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1FSC | CO D, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0196 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-22 | F | YA | I wanted some ice cream. I bought some hot buttered rum, really syrupy and sugary. I took it home to the old house in M City. My mother saw it and said, "Oh, now, I'll pay for that." I said, "No, it's O.K. You don't have to pay me back. Just have some." But even as I said it, I knew she would pay me back and I would accept gladly. Later, I told my brother Dwight that my van wasn't running quite right. There was a loping in the motor sound. I said, "I guess I'll take it to be fixed. How much will it cost?" He said, "I'll do it for you and won't charge much." My mother wore blue jeans. | 1FKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0197 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-22 | F | YA | I own a restaurant. I am supervising the cooking. I am making bread. It's easy for me to kneed the dough. I am aware that I couldn't do that "before" or in real life. I take a wooden board with a long handle and pull out beautiful loaves of bread, freshly baked. I put in new loaves of dough. They start to get tangled up. As I'm fixing it, word comes to me that a General has ordered one of my special breads, so I weave the loaves together and cook it. It is beautiful. I cut it open. There are interwoven tunnels in the white, feathery, textured bread. I pour melted butter down the tunnels. I am impressed with my own cleverness. I decide to carry it to the General myself. I am wearing a long silk, white evening gown. I am older (late 40's, early 50's), but looking good. I walk through the messy, busy kitchen. At the next room is the transition room from the kitchen to the fancy restaurant. I take off the apron and trade the wooden board for a silver tray with fancy napkins on it. I walk out into the restaurant. I ask, "What table?" It's either 21 or 12, I'm not sure. I go into a private room, lots of drunken people. As I look for the table, I'm thinking, "I hope I can find the table. Don't be silly, you own the place, you know where everything is." I find the General and start to place the bread in front of him. A woman in his party starts to take it away from me to do it herself. I politely but firmly insist I do it myself (after all, I did the work and I want the credit). She and I have a tug of war. Then I notice the General is very drunk. I point out to him all the tunnels and the butter but he is unimpressed. He's talking about his problems. He puts his arm around my waist and I sit on his lap. He mutters about how the people don't care anymore. He'll lose the election. He tried. He's fair-haired and for the other people, he got a minister that was dark "Rizzo-Egyptian dark," he kept saying. I realize then that he wasn't going to appreciate my fine restaurant, or order a big dinner (which I tried to sell him), or tell his friends about my place. My attitude was one of "c'est la vie," such is life. No hard feelings. Resignation. | 1MOA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 2JSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0198 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-23 | F | YA | I'm dreaming that I had a series of dreams. Part of the pieces of the puzzle or answer is in them. Then I just sporadically dream a new series and don't write them down. Somewhere in the new series is the answer. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0199 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-23 | F | YA | I dreamt I was in bed, here in M City. It is 2:00 am. I hear the football game playing on T.V. or radio. It's very loud. I'm amazed that a football game is on at that time. I'm also angry that my father is playing it so loud. Valerie, my sister-in-law, comes in to talk. We are looking at the same things on the bed, like Christmas gifts I made or something. We're talking. Then the football game is off but some T.V. program is on. I say, "Who's watching T.V.?" Valerie says, "Ellie." I say, "Oh ho. Send her in." Then I yell, "Hey Ellie, come here a minute!" She says, "No." I say, "Ya. I want to talk to you. Turn that thing off. It's too loud and it will wake grandma." She says, "No, it won't." My father is listening to the football game in their bedroom on the radio. Paulina wanders through. I'm talking about swimming. Oh, earlier I had dreamt that I was invited to go swimming at Peter M's house (he's a para, a student at the community college). He, his wife, and I were swimming in a small "hot tub" swimming pool in his backyard. There's some connection between his wife and Valerie, like they are the same woman. I think I was embarrassed because I could get up and walk and he couldn't, like he'd resent me or something. Anyway, I look at Ellie (I'm back in the bedroom in M City). One arm looks longer than the other, longer than mine, even. I say, "Come here. Let me feel your arm." She smiles, self-consciously and reluctantly comes over. I turn so I'm in front of her. I lay her left arm next to my left arm. It is quite longer than mine. I'm amazed. I call Valerie over to look. I then ask Ellie to reach both her arms out in front of her. She does so reluctantly. It's hard for her to move the right one. The left one is huge. The hand is huge. Then I push back the sleeve of her left arm and feel it. I am horrified to discover she has 2 elbows. There are some wrinkles, old age skin, and scars. Ginny and her son Ricardo come in with my mail from the P.O. box in M City. Someone says, "How nice. She picked up your mail." I say to her, "How can I have not noticed all these years that she has 2 elbows?" there is a sense of astonishment tinged with guilt and some distress because she's disabled now, but I'm not too worried about that. I am aware that she wanted to be unique in some way and has chosen this way. I look at the mail. There are 2 statements from the M City branch bank and a wooden board from the community college Performing arts with art work (3-d) on it, ceramic statues, carved wood, etc. I feel somewhat honored that I am considered part of the community college Performing Arts department. I guess I'm an honorary member. It's an election for officers. Directions are on the board. George and Greg are 2 names I could read. I have to lift up blocks of wood beside the name I am to vote for. I think, "George? He works for me. Oh, it must be a different George." | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA | CO D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0200 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-23 | F | YA | Ginny and I have an argument. She's explaining something to me. I find it hard to listen. I then see she's saying and doing some incredible things. Things and words and colors are coming out of her mouth like vomit. I'm scared and concerned for her and I'm also upset because these things have meaning for me, to help me. I ask her what drug she's on. My brother Dwight is there. She says, "9." I ask Dwight what that is. She follows me around and won't stop. After what seems like a long time, I start to do it too. Suddenly I see dazzling, sparkling blue and red colors like fireworks or prism colors on the end of my tongue. Ginny's face goes out of focus. I am aware that I'm letting go and I'm in a different state of awareness. I talk rapidly, non-stop, and I'm vaguely aware that I might be saying hurtful things that could hurt other people's feelings, but I know I must and it's O.K. It spews out of me unchecked. | 1FKA, 1MKA | AP D, AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0201 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-23 | F | YA | I'm in a large room. A sort of party is happening. There are lots of people. I know them. Some are counselors. One is reading a joke. I listen. It's about a bull. Suddenly I realize the end of the joke is "blue balls" and I say, "Oh!," and get up and walk out. I don't want to hear the rest of the joke. They laugh at me for my prudishness/innocence. I'm a little embarrassed (they are being good-natured, not mean). I go into the other room. I notice that they've changed the floor coverings. There used to be 1/2 carpet and 1/2 green linoleum on the floor. Now there's carpet in one and linoleum in the other. The linoleum is padded. I hear them tell another story/joke. I hear the words "wheelchair," and I think the other word is "free." I'm not sure. I'm interested and go back into 1st room. They laugh again because they knew my attention would be caught. | 2JKA, 1MOA, 1ANI | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0202 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-23 | F | YA | The girls and I are somewhere. I have a new cat. He's there to replace the other one. The cat's job is to hold things for me. I hold the cat (a half-grown kitten), and he holds the articles in question, some yarn and other things. He's new on the job and drops some things. He apologizes and says he'll get it. I suggest that if I hold him sideways to my chest, he will be more comfortable and will be able to hold the articles better. He agrees to try. I change his position. He's being held like a baby. His little paws are curled up over his fat little tummy. The girls and I are walking past a building. It's an apartment. I hear gospel singing. The windows shine with light. I am sneaking by quietly. I don't want to disturb my neighbors. I peek in and see blacks singing (women with bandannas on their heads). I enjoy the music but somehow feel drawn and simultaneously hold back from it. We go on. | 2FKA, 1ANI, 2FKA, 2FEA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0203 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-23 | F | YA | I am given a cabin/house on a river. A man, rich, my neighbor up on the hill gives it to me. He watches me. I never see him. I always feel him watching me. There are lots of children, cats and dogs in this house. I am being artistic and making things. I am checking my horoscope. The man asks me to his house for a date. At first I am reluctant, but my teenage daughter convinces me it will be fun. I go to the bathroom to get ready. There are 3 bathtubs, all ornate, gold faucets, lots of mirrors, and bare walls. It's like I'm trying to create a mansion out of a cabin. There are a lot of different shampoos all different colors, each one vibrationally in tune with a different aspect of my chart. The bath tub is special; it massages away my arthritis. I get in and look in my mirrors. My hair is curly, white, and there are large bald spots. I am appalled. As I play with my hair, I pull some out. Then they grow longer and I put it back on my head and I'm O.K. I dress up real snazzy. I go out on the back porch. I see men fishing in the stream/river. Work crews are fixing a road on the hill. My brother Jake is there, on the porch. I go back in. There are lots of teen age kids, some adopted. They are in a downstairs bathroom. A long line of cats in a catalogue. Each has a special shampoo for them. First, a white Persian gets a banana shampoo, then a gray cat gets a green one, and on down the line. Now they are real and one reaches out his paws and hugs the next cat's head, his green shampoo gets on the other one. Then my teen age boy/me says, "What next?," and opens the door to the other bathroom (I think I was just observing this). A young boy is in there. The boy/me says, "Well, heavens, when I was your age, I was in the bathroom a lot too, but not with a girl," as he sees a young girl. The other boy says, "Yes, but see she's a XXX girl (meaning before puberty, no breasts, very boyish but pretty). The boy/me says, "Well, at least XXX isn't giving me any trouble. He's new to the family. I adopted him." Just then, we hear him upstairs crying out, "Stop it Yerg, stop it!" The boy goes upstairs and I follow. Lots of kids are up there. The young adopted person is upset because Yerg (a dog), is stepping on his art papers. I call Yerg to me (backwards for grey). He is a young man, dressed in a suit shirt and tie. I say, "You have to stop that. You are a dog." Yerg bends over and pats my head. I find it difficult to explain to him that he's a dog, not me. That's what I'm supposed to do to him. He seems confused and offended. The kids plead with me to just like him be as he is, and not insist he be a regular dog. | 1MKA, 2JSC, 1FKA, 2MOA, 2ANI, 1MOA, 1ANI | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0204 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-24 | F | YA | I'm at work, which is like a set of bleachers. I talk to a lot of people, and go to a meeting about dial-a-bus. My cousin Terence comes driving back into town. He comments to me that he thinks he'll hang out around town for the winter and maybe permanently if the XXX industry will get its act together (furniture or construction). Terence is also sort of my brother Dwight. I'm glad he's around. He travels so much. A race car with a man, chubby, with a guitar and some woman comes to town. He sets up for a concert. I am getting some of my clothes that are laying around the bleachers as he is setting up. I ask someone where the blue bag of clothes is. She says, "Over there." As I go to it, the man with the guitar steps his foot in it as he is playing and singing. I get down on my knees and look up at him and politely ask him to move. He does so. I pull out various turtle neck sweaters. He is singing "Ghost Riders in the Sky." I sing along with him. He hears me and starts singing the high part. I sing real low, at the lowest edge of my voice limit. I forget some of the words. The women just look at me, like I'm infringing on this man's concert. He's being somewhat patronizing and I'm showing off, hoping someone will notice my nice voice. | 2JSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 2FSA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0205 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-24 | F | YA | I am getting ready to do a scene for acting class. Paulina and I gather up my props, which involve a lot of clothes, a rose, and other things. We are walking across a wooden foot bridge with a huge river underneath. Most everyone else is walking the longer and safer, lower zigzag path beneath the straight path I'm walking. A heavy wind is pelting the footbridge and it is swaying. It is hard to maintain my footing. I fall against the rope railing. My props, some of them fall to the foot bridge around my feet. A man stands before me. He looks searchingly into my eyes. I am annoyed with him. I'm ready to refuse his offer to help me. Then I see that I need his help. He asks and I accept. I turn to Paulina and say, "Why am I so abrupt just before I need help? It's a good thing I didn't say anything." We all make it to the auditorium. The young man and I do our scene, except for the last part. Then someone else does theirs. I have to go to the john, so I find one. There are 3 toilets in one stall. 2 are broken. One is like my wheelchair. I step around it. The other is to my left. When I sit on the 3rd toilet, it is broken and has red things floating in it (like red glass, thin twisted rods). I realize I mustn't go to the bathroom because I'm in my bed, dreaming. I get up and go back to the auditorium. It's time to finish my scene. I am now sitting in my wheelchair watching the young man give his lines. I suddenly realize I shouldn't be just watching, I'm supposed to be in character, listening, and I have some lines coming up. I feel panicky because I can't remember the lines. Somehow it ends so I don't have to show my mistake. I go off to read my lines so I can remember them. An old roommate then does a monologue on stage; she asks me to be backstage for moral support. Paulina and I walk back there and we lie down near the curtain so no one will see us. We can see them. They are a long way down. My old roommate does her scene. It involves a little girlish/woman who is sweeping the dirt off the step. She speaks a few lines. It could be better. Ethan and the rest of the class call out suggestions for her. One plays music that sounds like a trumpet on her mouth. Soon we have a musical bit. The class comes up to dance in unison, and the curtains keep opening wider and Paulina and I must keep retreating, back and back to stay hidden. I want to join the musical but Ethan looks at me and I know the answer is no, because I can't dance. The stage looks huge, long and narrow. | 1FKA, 1MSA, 1ISA, 1FKA, 1FKA | AN D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0206 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-25 | F | YA | A vocational rehab counselor was questioning me about my cousin Sonja and her capabilities as a VR counselor in the coast office. I told him that Sonja and I go back as far as birth. She had a few things to learn yet, but she was pretty good. He said he wanted to know more. We got into a car and drove to the M City house. There was some snow on the ground. I suggested that he park in the driveway. I say, "Turn right into the driveway." He obstinately turned left into a bank of dirt and snow. He and I agree that that won't do. He turned the car around and parked on the street, facing the "bad corner." I was concerned but saw another car was parked right on the corner so that we were protected from collision. We go into the house. I took him the full length of the house to the far end. I say, "Let's start at the oldest part." It was a freshly remodeled room, empty of furniture, and freshly painted. I told him how this used to be a half-finished garage. I pointed out where the grape vines used to be. It was now a lovely wall with windows. We moved to the next room, the rec room. I pointed to the door. I said, "It used to be somewhere else. I still can't get used to it being there and it startles me when it opens. It too has been freshly remodeled." As he and I had driven up to the house, I had pointed out the rising creek that was in flood stage. I told him that sometimes the creek came right up to the door and sometimes came in and started to flood the house. [BL] | 1FOA, 1FKA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0207 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-25 | F | YA | I have borrowed a puppy and a kitten from "borrow-a-pet" on a Saturday afternoon. I am playing with them and cooing over them. They are very sweet. The purpose is to play with them to get acquainted and then you can choose the right one. I take them back and put them in their drawers, kittens in the 3rd drawer, puppies in the 4th drawer, except I notice that there are new born kittens in the 4th drawer. I also notice 2 striped cats that blend in with the surroundings and 2 miniature zebras. Co-worker Tyler is in the kitchen room we are in. He's cooking a hamburger steak in the oven. It's time to take it out but he can't find the hot pad. I find the hot pads, and take the steaks out. He then tells me how talented I am with crafts and making things. He says he has a married couple he is counseling, a doctor husband, and 2 boys. They don't communicate with each other. They are people oriented all day and when they get together, they don't get together. I said, "Oh, you want me to teach them a craft so they can get together?" Tyler said, "Right." I say, "Well, which craft shall I teach them?" Tyler looks at me with exasperation. "You're the one doing it, you'll know which one." I look at him, slightly startled, and a little put out. Then I decide to take a number of crafts and they can learn a variety and choose for themselves. Tyler agrees that's a good idea. I get in my van and drive there, a dirt road, muddy, and difficult to stay on. There is a lake on the left and it's important not to slide into the lake (some danger). I look down the road. At the end is a Victorian house and I know it's the one. I drive to the edge of the land. Now I get out of the van. The 2 boys are there. I must walk down wooden decking as the house is on the lake. I am stepping down a rope and wood ladder (like on ships). The woman asks if I need help. I am annoyed. I say, "No. I can do this." Then I comment on how lovely of a house it is, and that it's so nice on the lake. I go in and start to teach the craft. Now the scene is changed. Mabel is upset with me. I am telling her she heard something someone said incorrectly (she's the woman I counseled). She asks people around her what was said. I encourage them to tell what they had heard. I am right. She is wrong, but she's crying. "You should have...,"(maybe told me)! | 1ANI, 2ANI, 1MKA, 2MSA, 1FSA, 2MSA | CO D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0208 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-25 | F | YA | The 2 boys come from their counseling session. They are both naked. I ask them why. They are going to audition for a play. I say, "Huh? Well, O.K." We go into a building down a hall and into a small office only it's like a doctor's examining room. A 3rd boy joins us, also naked. We all get up on the examining table, sort of bed. Chubby is sitting cross-legged in front and to the left. The new boy is to the right and the younger one is rollicking around. He is playfully wrestling with me. He rolls under me and now he's laying and I am sitting crouched over him, his penis under my vagina. I am aware that it's not proper for boys to be naked and yet only partly mind it. I am talking to chubby and looking at him and the boy under me is innocently or absent-mindedly pretending that he is a man and pushing up gently, a child's play version of coitus. I am aware of it. Part of me ignores it. Part of me is a little shocked and part of me is playing too. I say to chubby, "Let me tell you something about auditions. I've done them O.K.? I'm an actress." I'm very serious and chubby listens attentively. "It's better to go with your clothes on. They'll think you're weird if you go naked and only see your nakedness, not your talent. If you go clothed, they'll see your talent and then if they need a naked boy for the play, they'll ask you to take your clothes off and then that's O.K." The boys agree that I'm right, and we are all impressed with the fact that I made logical sense instead of being just prudish or grown up, up-tight about it. I say, "Are you going to audition first and then the counseling session, or vice versa?" They say they want to audition first. They all leave. I feel very sleepy and tired. I lay down and start to drift off to sleep, glad for a few minutes to nap. I try to turn off the lights. I hit the light switch. Nothing happens, and I see another one, but nothing happens. Then around the corner are 3 more. I try them. One works, temporarily. I look at the switches closer. There are lots of gradations. It's a very sensitive and tricky switch, with plastic joints in it. I get frustrated and yell, "To hell with it!" I go to sleep. Then the boys come back and I counsel them. | 2MKA, 1MSA, 1MKA, 1MSA | CO D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0209 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-25 | F | YA | I had another dream but had trouble waking up. I remembered thinking, "Forget it, I don't want to remember this one." I repeated that and then realized that it must be important. I sat up to write it down and it was gone. A "to hell with it" kind of feeling-tone, like with the light switch. The name Roger and a feeling about movement, avalanches. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0210 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-26 | F | YA | I was going to exchange some old metal things I had, take them to the used metal things store (cradles, adult size, lots of things, a whole attic full). I was going to trade them in for new things but was a little peeved at myself for my ridiculousness because all you can trade in used metal things for in a used metal store is different used metal things. Then my acting class and I were in my house. Ethan was talking to us over the phone. He said that he was sorry he couldn't be there to teach the class today, but we should all go to the library to get articles from 1950's magazines. It would teach us a good acting lesson. I was pleased. I'd done this before and it was fun to look back at that era. I went. We all came back to my house. I had a bunch of magazines, Good Housekeeping, etc. Then they were record albums. I put one on; the Gee-Gee Brothers. Ethan then came into the house. I was wearing a robe that kept slipping open. I kept trying to re-tie the sash and I held it tightly around me. Ethan watched dispassionately. He again apologized for being busy and unable to be there for class. I said, "Oh, it's fine because I liked the assignment. In fact I've done it once before, a sociological project. I took sociology before psychology." Then he said, "And what did you learn?" I pulled my robe tighter around me and noticed with annoyance I kept doing that. I went to go change the long playing 50's record for another. When I came back, Ethan was sweating and his shirt was wet with perspiration. He had it half off. I sat on the couch. Other students were wandering around. Ethan half laid on the arm of the couch, watching me intently. Like a teacher, with some slight care in his face, he had a message to impart and he wanted to be gentle (for him). I said, "About my acting..." He said, "Next term, I want you to work on characters unlike yourself, reach out, expand, use bigger gestures." I said, "You know, in my acting final, you saw that, yes? Well, I kept laughing. You broke me up, I broke me up, my partner broke me up." He frowned. I said, "I know, you see, I'm good at comedy. I've always done little skits that I write and then act in." I was sort of bragging, hoping he'd notice my creativity. He was dead pan. I went on, "And so I act me. I have good comedic timing. Now I need to learn to really act." He nodded. He suggested I practice saying a sentence that ends in all right...all right (someone's name), to get the inflections all right. Then he looked up. Someone was coming in the door. "Oh," he said pulling his shirt back on (it was his wife). "I had better straighten up here." It was a joke. Then 2 delivery boys came to the door. The first one handed me a package, books I had ordered. The second one ran around him and shoved his package into my hands ahead of #1 boy. #1 boy was amazed, so I took the first package that was put in my hands. It was my new checks from the bank. #1 boy left, upset. I looked at him wondering if he expected a tip. He just grimaced and left. I opened the checks. I saw my picture on the check, like my master's degree student days, with long frizzy hair. I was surprised, they had updated the picture. Then as I looked, each picture on each check was different. They looked awful. In one, I was playfully kissing Cory. A woman stood outside, looking in the window. She said something. I didn't hear her and said, "Huh?" She repeated. "Ya, I saw them too, they are pretty funny looking." | 2JKA, 1MKA, 2JOA | AN D, HA D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0211 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-27 | F | YA | I have come home from a play or a costume party to a small apartment. I am expecting someone, a male, I think Desmond. I have a Little Bo Peep costume and hat on (like I wore for Halloween), only it's blue. I have lots of blue eyeshadow on my eyes. I go into the bedroom to a bathroom. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I decide to stay in costume for when Desmond comes over. It's later in the evening and I've been in the costume for many hours. My makeup feels itchy, so I go to bathroom number 2. I look in the mirror. I have blue make up all over my face and white highliner. I see some of the makeup is coming off. I decide to wash my face before Desmond comes. I will keep the dress and the blue feather earrings on though. I start to wash my face. My wheelchair is the toilet. It's messy. I think I should clean if off (shit). It's behind me as I stand at the sink. Every time I bend over to the sink, my dress brushes on the messy part. I get annoyed. The light bulbs are getting dim. I turn and pull a chain on one fixture. A small bulb barely lights up the place. I turn to the double sink and turn on the water, and scrub my face with soap and water. Most of the blue is gone and some of the red is smeared. I feel like I'm in a hurry to look pretty. The light bulb goes out. I see the sinks have overflowed onto the floor. I'm standing barefoot on soggy carpet with water to mid-calf. I pull the plug and all the water goes away. I look in the mirror again and pull many clips from my long hair which kept my hair up under my fancy hat. Now, it's nearly totally dark. I go from one light fixture to another, pulling their chains but all the bulbs are blown. I think, "I could go get new lightbulbs." They are in the closet but I can't seem to find the closet. I feel closed in by the dark. I grab my hat, put it back on, leave the room, remember my earrings, and decide not to go back to get them. I go to the bedroom (unused), and look in the mirror, then into bathroom #1. There are some Xmas cards taped to the door. | 1MSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0212 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-27 | F | YA | I go diving in the deep river. It's 300 ft. Someone else and I must wear diving helmets and suits because it is so deep. Then, a huge shark attacks. There is blood swirling in the water. One of us is hurt. I'm not sure if I ran and the other is hurt or if it was me. Now, I'm on land. I'm leaving. I'm making gifts for people. I have a cake. I wrap it in cellophane. I then see a sack of candy bits and lollipops in bags in my desk drawer. I say, "Oh, too bad the cake is wrapped." I feel a little badly because the gift isn't much. Also, I don't want to just throw things away. Someone says, "You can unwrap it." They lift the cellophane. I put 4 different kinds of candy on the 4 sections of the cake. There is a second shark scene. Then, I'm auditioning or acting. Then, I'm in the C. department meeting. I watch. We are trying a new way. The women are being patronized and told to be quiet. It doesn't matter. I feel the need to speak. I ask Dylan permission in an adult way. "I have something to say. It might hurt some and might help me." He says, "Go ahead." Dickie glares at me. I say, "Part of me likes what's happening. Small groups are getting to know each other better, and are opening up and talking more honestly with each other (I vaguely remember that this is sort of what I had complained about earlier), however, there is still sexism here in the large group. Women are being told they don't matter." The group had nodded agreement during the 1st part, but Dickie is upset with me for the second part. I feel sad because I'm also making my farewells. I'm leaving them (to act, I think). I'm good for them and they won't listen. I go to pack (I'm in my wheelchair at the end). | 1ISA, 1ANI, 1ISA, 2JSA, 1MKA, 2JSA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0213 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-29 | F | YA | The family was going to move. It was a sort of a "Father knows best" family. A woman, older (a Lady XXX type, a sad woman I knew in XXX who was lonely and threatened suicide), came by and threatened suicide. Some of my family decided to stay to help her. Then, I was on the road, driving. I looked up to see part of my family in a truck, semi-crashed across the road, but everyone was O.K. I went on down the road and saw Lady XXX's beat up old van/housetrailer crashed into a bank. She was O.K. She was a bit sheepish and stubborn. I thought that she had tried to die. I was annoyed at her because it was causing trouble for my family. I looked up, and across the street was a huge home-made camper, a complete house for a large family on wheels including a back porch. I was laying down in the back of Lady XXX's van with Lady XXX comforting her. I started to go to my family but Lady XXX holds on to me. She didn't want me to leave her. I looked out the window again and saw my teen-age "brothers and sisters" out for a walk to stretch their legs. Some younger ones opened the van and crawled in. I decided to join my family. I got out, against Lady XXX's protests. I was driven across the street by a brother, a younger brother. I was surprised he knew how to drive. He asked which entrance I wanted to use to get into the camper. He says, "It doesn't matter which." The back entrance had 4 steps. The front entrance had a huge flight of stairs first going up and then down, with a landing or two here and there. I said indignantly, "It does too matter. I'm not walking all those steps." I went to the back and got in. Now it was just a big, crowded van. My "brother" was talking as he was driving and not paying attention. He let some of the wheels go over the edge of a cliff that went straight down to the sea. He looked at my "dad" and was horrified. My father waited to see if he would wake up. I was horrified because we were all going to crash to our death. The van slid slowly over the edge and stopped. I knew if anyone moved, it would then continue sliding to the sea and then, death. I decided to save myself. I decided I'd crawl over bodies of my family if necessary but I'd save myself. I started to carefully crawl up and out. A 1 year old baby was caught upside down near me. I grasped the edge of the cliff. Then, I just couldn't leave her, so I reached down and grabbed the baby and threw her up to safety. I felt scared and sad. I scrambled up to the road edge and started grabbing any babies or people around, to assist them. The van tumbled half-way down the cliff. People and things were scattered all over. I saw "dad" half-way down and I yelled, "Dad, dad, dad!" I say, "Here, reach up, I can pull you up." He looked at me sadly. I felt fear that he was too big and would pull me back over. I was also afraid he wouldn't try to reach up to me. I got a blanket and leaned it over the edge to reach him. Other people reached out to me (one of them, Oriental). I pulled them up to safety as my father refused to be helped. I felt sad. All the rest that could be saved were. My father decided to try. I then saw that part of one leg was missing. He crawled up to the edge and someone else and I helped him over the edge. We were near the edge. I was crouched near him, comforting him. I said, "Are you O.K.?" He said he thought one leg was broken and the other one gone partly. A young man, a violinist, came over. He was the anesthesiologist. He started to play. My father got quite upset and told him to go away. He was distressed and tried to explain how his music would help take away the pain. A second violinist was called in, a young woman with a very ornate violin. I looked up at her and explained that dad wouldn't listen. I defended his position. I said, "Look, how would you like it if you had to listen to violins all day at work (my father's a music teacher), and then come home to your family and hear violins (I played for 5 years and my mother played too), you'd be sick of it too." I used a second analogy but I don't remember it. | 1FSA, 2JKA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MKA | AN D, CO D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0214 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-29 | F | YA | My brother Dwight, Jake, my mother and I are in a car in a parking lot. Dwight is telling me about the gold lame dress he wore at a party. I am giggling at how funny he describes how he got a kit, a spray can of gold lame. You put a bikini-like top on, spray the paint, and put holly on. He pulls out a brochure and shows me an advertisement. He belongs to a club that gives parties, but you have to take a class if you go to a party. He points to a lovely lady in the brochure and winks at me. He then starts to park the pickup in his regular parking spot. He then changes his mind and tries to park somewhere else. The entire parking lot is empty except for one black sports car. Dwight tries to park his pickup over that car. The car is so low to the ground, and the pickup is so high, that he almost makes it. He then backs up. My mother is at the wheel now, and backing up real fast. I yell, "What are you doing?" We feel like we're out of control and now backing out into the street. She ignores me and purposefully and gaily keeps going. We're now going forward. I see big freeway signs. We're in a big city. She's going to park us (a VW bus now) near an apartment building. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FSA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0215 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-29 | F | YA | A young boy is riding a horse. He's doing trick stunts to show off. He's now off the horse, trying to go into a building on campus with no authorization. A security guard stops him. I walk up behind him. I'm on my way to teach a class. I vouch for him though I don't know him. He looks at me, surprised. I walk down the hall. I see a group of people. They are the class. The boy ducks into a room just before my classroom. I open the door and go in. I say, "I know who you are, so don't get into trouble, or I'll get into trouble." He says surprised, "How can you know who I am?" I think, "You're bluffing." I say, "No, you are John Travolta. I knew it when you were riding the horse. You stuck your foot out, and it was arrogant. Only boys from New York do it in that style, and only 4 of them like you did, so you have to be John Travolta." Then I say, "Don't worry, I won't tell." He looks at me like he likes me. I beat a hasty retreat. I look at my watch and say, "Oh, I'm 6 or 7 minutes late for my class." I go next door where my class is waiting. It's like a library or a book store, so I figure I'm teaching something about writing. Later, I'm lying in a bed in my classroom. The boy is sitting on the edge of the bed beside me. We are talking. At one point, he hugs me and I can feel the largeness of his shoulders/body that denotes a grown man. I think, "Oh, goodness, he really is John Travolta." I then realize the near sexual aspects of the position and firmly tell the little boy to stop playing now. He wants to continue but I tell him, "No." He sits on the edge of the bed and we talk. There is some flirtation (sometimes there is a sense of my brother Dwight in him). | 1MSC, 1MOA, 2JSA, 1ANI, 2MKA | CO 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0216 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-29 | F | YA | My mother, who has been driving, gets out of the pickup. My brother Dwight goes in. I start to pick up some things they left to carry them into the apartment complex. A pair of black gloves (my mother's), Xmas presents, and some pretty woven yarn cloth. I have my arms full as I start to walk across the parking lot. I drop some things, books, cards, and pictures fall to the ground. I curse and try to pick them up without dropping everything else, but no luck. Everything falls all over the asphalt. A hip black man, like scat man on T.V., jives up to me. He's going to help pick things up. As he starts to do so, he notices a huge bow and arrow set on top of the pickup. It's like a crossbow or a speargun and it's very powerful. He loads a red arrow into the thing and aims off into the distance. I say, "Hey man, don't do that at full force, you'll spend days looking for the arrow." He shoots it but it just goes a short distance over the bushes. He laughs at me and goes to get the arrow. I find some boxes to put the stuff in. A crowd is starting to develop. They look like they are going to steal all my goodies. I then have a high powered rifle. I hold it at them. I call for my brother. He comes over to carry the goodies in. A very inquisitive older woman comes over. I say disdainfully, "See, just woven cloth mostly, nothing of great value." I swagger around feeling pretty show-offy with my gun. A guy wearing glasses, but good-looking, just looks at me, slightly disapproving. I show off my prowess with the rifle. Dwight gets all the goodies in. I then notice a pile of wrapped Xmas presents under a tree near the pickup in the parking lot. One says, "To dad, from Dwight." I think, "Huh, that's silly. They'll get stolen." I then decide not to worry because they're wrapped. I figure the family was getting too crowded in the apartment with all those gifts and I go on in. | 1FKA, 1MSA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0217 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-29 | F | YA | I'm walking up some long cement stairs to get to school, carrying lots of things. Gordon (a counselor) walks with me. He jokes about how old he is now and how he needs to walk slowly. He hugs me in a fatherly way. I slip and fall back down some stairs. He slips too. We lay on the stairs laughing and I think, "How sweet of him to go to all the trouble to make me feel O.K." We get up and start gathering up the scattered things we were carrying. A woman helps us carry the Xmas gifts, scotch tape, calligraphy pens and ink. Gordon goes on ahead. I get to the top of a glassed-in bleacher and a wonderful show is performing, grand costumes and musical comedy stuff. I'm aware that I'm wearing a sexy playboy bunny suit and a red sexy coat. I then feel someone nestling up behind me. Now we're sitting on the same chair. I look. It is Ethan. He puts a Xmas gift from him to me in my pile of things. As we watch the performances, he makes director's remarks. At one point, there are 2 complete productions going on at once. He says he sees no point to that unless one is entertainment for the other. I comment that perhaps it's because of the placement of the windows at angles. Some of the crowd sees one, some see the other. He concedes that I may be right. I keep looking at my watch. I don't want to be late for my class I am teaching. Then, there is yet a 3rd performance way down on the football field. Huge people are dressed in fancy fur costumes. Some ice skate and some comedy relief happens. Then I say, "I must go." Before I can leave, Ethan's class comes to him. He stands up in front of me and them. I am aware (I'm standing), and that my playboy bunny suit is larger and just hangs on me. It's not so sexy now. I'm embarrassed and try to cover it up. A girl in class asks if the cleaning of a wig can be done for free. She says a friend of hers has 2 wigs that are soiled and she brings out a letter to read, written by the girl. She is in tears because she realizes that she shouldn't read this private letter in front of the class. I start to leave (after Ethan lectures about acting technique, looking at me as he talks). I get my red coat on and start to pick up my packages. Ethan comes over. He says, "Is anything wrong?" I say, "No, it's just that my suit looks really funny right now and I'm embarrassed." He says, "I noticed but it's O.K., you're fine." We smile. I pick up his Xmas present to me and open it. It is body paints. He laughs and opens them and starts to paint my face and he starts with the yellow and white. We're somehow in a moving car, but neither of us are driving, or maybe Ethan is and doesn't have to look at the road often. He gets some of the paint in my mouth. It tastes funny. He says, "Don't worry, it's not toxic." I spit it out in a hanky anyway. We laugh. I have become his mistress, as he is married. | 1MKA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FKA | AP D |