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DreamBank-annotated

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b

Barb Sanders

0018

1960-1997

1974-04-05

F

YA

I've been dreaming this week of Howard.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0019

1960-1997

1974-04-09

F

YA

I'm dreaming about Howard every night. The dream starts by me going back to him. I always end up leaving again.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0020

1960-1997

1974-04-12

F

YA

I dreamt of Shannon.

1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0021

1960-1997

1974-04-26

F

YA

I dreamed a lot last night, almost nightmares trying to get away from Howard.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0022

1960-1997

1975-??-??

F

YA

I was chewing a huge sticky, grainy wad of gum and 5 or 6 teeth fell out into the wad of gum. I was horrified. I peeled the sticky mess out of my mouth and remarked that my teeth must be rotten and pointed to the huge spaces with a part of one remaining, showing how it was rotten. Fade. I had to burn my dulcimer and fiddle to be warm. It was an important decision. I didn't want to.

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0023

1960-1997

1975-10-14

F

YA

I was in a hotel, in bed with a stranger. Her back was to me. I felt comfortable because it was a woman and I wouldn't have to worry about sexual demands. Suddenly, he turned and started to wrap himself around me (very large penis). There were feelings of anger and sexual pleasure together. He pinched my nipples. It hurt and I got very angry. Each time he'd pinch, I'd scream angrily, "No! Stop it! Don't!" He wouldn't listen. I pushed away. I ran downstairs out to the street. He followed in pursuit and tried to cajole me into wanting him. Now we were dressed. A crowd was wandering around. He asked me to dinner. He changed from aggressive to charming. I felt aloof but was interested. It is very vague at this point. There was more, but I can't remember.

1FSA, 1MSA, 2JSA

AN D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0024

1960-1997

1976-01-13

F

YA

I had the freakiest dream. I dreamed I'm on a raft with a beautiful Indian guy and a small child. We fight rapids, waterfalls, etc. Finally we pull up on beach (grassy, nice). I'm suddenly making advances (kissing, French) on Ginny. I had the male role. I said, "How neat, we can go off and do this any time and not have to wait for..."(I assume men). This was accompanied by feelings of repulsion, guilt, no sexual feelings at all.

1MSA, 1ISC, 1MKA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0025

1960-1997

1976-01-27

F

YA

I had a neat dream this morning about some nice guy. I hugged and enjoyed him.

1MSA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0026

1960-1997

1976-02-04

F

YA

I had a crazy dream about the fire drill. I couldn't remember people's names and they got angry. Dead people came out of the basement. I sent them back.

2JSA, 4JSA

AN 2JSA

b

Barb Sanders

0027

1960-1997

1976-02-22

F

YA

Lots of strange dreams. Twice I've dreamed that I fell for a married man. Twice I've dreamed I've hurt my foot badly. I'm worried I'm falling apart, physically.

1MSA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0028

1960-1997

1976-03-17

F

YA

I dreamed about Nate.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0029

1960-1997

1976-07-12

F

YA

I had crazy dreams about giant bugs (ants were in my sleeping bag).

2ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0030

1960-1997

1976-07-13

F

YA

I had a strange dreams about Howard. He wanted back with me. I put my arm around him but it was a terrible effort. Then he started to kiss me and I pulled away, feeling sickened and disgusted. "Don't ever touch me again," I said. I woke up feeling good that I can leave it, and sick that I spent 10 years with him.

1MKA

AN D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0031

1960-1997

1976-07-14

F

YA

Bad dreams.

b

Barb Sanders

0032

1960-1997

1976-07-20

F

YA

I dreamed about Raul, gold shots, my mother, and Lydia.

1MKA, 1FKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0033

1960-1997

1976-08-15

F

YA

I had a delicious dream about spook (double check diary, it might be Spock).

5MPA

b

Barb Sanders

0034

1960-1997

1976-09-06

F

YA

Funny dreams.

b

Barb Sanders

0035

1960-1997

1976-09-10

F

YA

A nightmare about Howard. He's in bed with me and drooling at the mouth, etc.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0036

1960-1997

1976-09-17

F

YA

Funny dreams about black horses and Jeremy.

2ANI, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0037

1960-1997

1976-09-22

F

YA

I had a strong dream about Dan. I dreamt we were making love on the couch. He was on top. He was small and had difficulty getting it in, but he finally succeeded and it felt good. Then I was on top and he couldn't get it in and I helped him. He groaned in ecstasy when it finally worked. I kept getting my leg trapped between the couch and his leg. It hurt. I'd mention it and he'd move and it'd be all right.

1MKA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0038

1960-1997

1976-09-23

F

YA

I've had this crazy dream. The kids were in the house. I was packing. Water emptied from leaks in the roof and elsewhere. I got on my blanket and clothes. I got in the pick up. Snow, deep on the ground. I was in a parking lot. I narrowly missed several cars. I parked next to a red car, jeep. A man was in it. The kids and I got in back. We went down the street. Passed school buses, slushy roads. I thought, "What will he say when he sees them gone?" Down a steep hill. In a house. I had to give man (cousin Abner or Nate) a shot. A two-pronged needle with red liquid. I know it will hurt him. I didn't want to but I had to. He yelled in pain. He turned on the bed, writhed around, and threw himself around. I snuck up and finished the dosage. He yelled in mock anger. He grabbed me. We tumbled to the floor. He started to make love, wildly, lovingly. Later at the table, an ugly woman with horrible eyes, glazed, hazy, and blue, came in. Said to him, "So there's the louse." I gave her a straight look. I said, "Just leave him alone!" Anger. She steadily looked at me. Another woman, possibly my mother watched the tense scene.

2JKA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1FKA, 1FKA

AN 1MKA, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0039

1960-1997

1976-10-02

F

YA

A crazy dream riding a horse. We go over cliff. Fearful long drop to huge water (like round butte). We survive just barely. The horse and I swim forever to safety. Off to a house. My father is a strange "pervert" strapped to a table. He used to be a woman but now he's a man. Two "doctors" are standing, peeking under the sheet at his penis. I catch glimpse of pubic hair, golden. The doctor says, "Oh, don't let her see." I allow pervert to suck my breasts. I started toward orgasm, but felt uneasy, sick about it. Weird!

1ANI, 1MKA, 1MSA, 2MOA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0040

1960-1997

1976-10-08

F

YA

Rosemary called. She sounded blue. She and I both dreamt about each other and Elliot. My dream had lots of "things" cluttering it, sneakers, blue with brass. Orson written on sneakers, size 11. It looked like Nate's shoe. Dovre and I were packing to go to Alaska. We got there. Rosemary was crying, said she was pregnant and by Elliot. We felt miserable.

1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1MKA

SD 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0041

1960-1997

1977-01-28

F

YA

I had a strange dream. Flying saucers were de-populating the surplus of losers on Earth. I tried to look at my watch. It was 1:30 (in the dream). I was awakened by the phone.

b

Barb Sanders

0042

1960-1997

1977-01-29

F

YA

I had a dream that I'd called Saul. His answering machine said, "Hello, Barb...I love you."

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0043

1960-1997

1977-04-16

F

YA

I'm having strange dreams.

b

Barb Sanders

0044

1960-1997

1977-11-16

F

YA

Lots of dreams this past month. Kittens, casts on legs, and anger at Patsy.

2ISC, 1FKA

AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0045

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I was at cousin Patricia and husband Morton's house. They were showing me around the kitchen. It was huge. I remember a huge, carpeted room and a grand piano in the corner. Most luxurious. I thought, "How totally rich to have a grand piano in the dining room." I looked and a dining room table, most fancy, appeared as I felt it should be there. I went into another room, large, spacious, with rich red tones. I asked to see Morton's "sound room." I exclaimed at the cork on the walls, to sound proof the room. It was off-red tones. Traveled on to a "green house" room with high ceilings. Cut flowers, white, green, yellow, were up high on a ledge by a small sun light window on the ceiling. Vases, etc. were around the room. The house continued forever. I then tried to drive around. I knew myself to be in an old home town but couldn't remember the way; I kept passing the turn-offs. Driving, I said to myself, "Oh, you missed the turn off. You're headed toward A City." Pete was in the dream and so was Aunt Elaine.

1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0046

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

In the house, I tried to "move my things in" unpacked. I said to Lydia, "This desk...(off in a corner and filled with junk of hers, baby things). Feelings that I am intruding. Millions of Bic pens in the desk. I thought, "Ah, I won't run out." Lots of "junk" crowded all over, messy room.

1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0047

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

Again, I am in a richly decorated room, a large bed. I am eating very sweet rolls, butterscotch on sweet rolls. I am suspicious of it. A man has been "sent" by another man to make love to me. I am vaguely aware of all this and I'm suspicious. A thought occurs that, "Now it is OK. The sweets are fresh and not poisoned or drugged." The man leaves and the "original" man comes to me. A feeling of being pursued, not frightening. [BL]

1MSA, 1MSA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0048

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

Lynn and Barry came visiting. I was making coffee. I couldn't do it correctly. The coffee was called "win" and were in "tea type bags." The water boiled. I put in the bag. It broke. I made very thick "candy." I made the second one OK. I watched the pure water being colored. I took the mistake and the cup to Lynn and Barry. They looked a little annoyed. I apologized. I went back. I made another cup of coffee, correctly.

1FKA, 1MKA

AN 1FKA+1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0049

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I had a large swimming pool. Lots of people were around. It was a competition. I would dive off the deep end and slide all across, rip out, across the tile to the wall. They would measure the distance of my powerful dive. I won.

2JSA

b

Barb Sanders

0050

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I was sneaking onto an old freight ship. Negroes were being used as slaves. I hid under a table and put a "rug" over me to look like a "pile of clothes" even though I was in plain view. I snuck down to the engine room to get everyone out.

2JEA

b

Barb Sanders

0051

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I was home napping. A football hero came over to visit. I got up. I offered to help him fix something to eat. I found a box of macaroni and started to boil those. I was looking for something to go with it. All I could find in the cupboard were stacks of 1 layer, frosted cakes in boxes and cellophane bags. I looked in the oven, a pan of stewed tomatoes. I stirred it with a spoon (that had holes in it). It was not very effective. My brace was lumpy and mis-shapened. My foot hurt to walk. I was embarrassed. I tried to adjust the brace. I thought I had it on crooked. I went into an adjoining room and called to my mother. She was stepping out of the bathroom. The football guy walked by the door. My mother clutched her robe together, embarrassed, as part of her stomach was showing. I ask her what she had planned for dinner as I didn't want to use that. She said, "Fish." I said, "Ugh!" Fade. Now I'm on a date with a young man, a sophomore. He's clean cut. We're walking down a street to get to his car.

1MOA, 1FKA, 1MSA

AP D, AP 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0052

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I was giving birth to a baby. I was on the "table" with green cloth draped over me. It was in a large room, like a gym. A nurse stood beside me. Another nurse stood behind her and a man stood behind her. The 1st nurse said to me, "Don't be a baby. Stop making a fuss." The man "wretched" for me. It was his job. Suddenly, the baby started coming. I felt and knew I was bleeding. I pushed down and "plop," the baby was born. "My 4th one," I thought, "so it was easier." I lay there exhausted. The doctor, who only stood there, didn't even catch the baby. For that matter, I didn't even see him. I just knew he had to be there. The nurse started to do the after birth things. The man pushed my table around fast, in circles. It made me dizzy and frightened. I cried out and clutched the table. They laughed. "Don't be so silly," they said. The nurse then repeated it. She rushed me on the table across the gym to the opposite wall. I got off the table. They were taunting me. I walked back across the floor, determined to make it on my own speed, but knowing I shouldn't walk because I could start bleeding. I got back on the table. The child was placed on my lap, "stomach." I looked at her. She appeared about 6 months to a year, sitting up. She had large feet, white paten leather shoes, a wide smile, teeth, and was in a dress. I thought to myself, "I know I agreed to carry my Uncle Philip's (Dale really) child, but they at least could have given me a new born." I felt used. My parents came in. They had made the preparations for all this last night. They were apologetic for not telling me the whole. My mother confessed that she didn't even tell her sister, Aunt Charlotte about the child, and Uncle Philip in a letter even though Aunt Charlotte was asking her to intervene on her behalf with Uncle. I looked at the child and noted family resemblances to Lisa (a cousin), and "Jolene," (another cousin). I felt cheated because nothing of me was in the child, like it would be if it were my child.

1FOA, 1MOA, 1MOA, 2JKA, 1FKC, 1MKA

AP D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0053

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I was in old living room in M City. A doctor of mine comes in. He says that I must be at an early morning panel discussion about some new discoveries about curing arthritis. My father and Dwight are sitting with us. The doctor says that the new discovery is latex paint. It causes a "burning throat" and this somehow cures arthritis. I am incredulous; he is full of enthusiasm. He says I must get up at 1:30 am to be at the discussion. I say, "Wow! That's bad because then I also have to get up at 8:00 am for another meeting." My father says, "Well, these difficulties must be met with in life sometimes." The doctor agrees. I ask if oil painting does the same thing. He says, "No, only latex."

1MKA, 1MKA, 1MKA

CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0054

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

My cousin Sebastian and his wife are expected at family reunion. They arrive. Then I am happy to see them. We must go somewhere (a store perhaps) to get something. We are up in mountains. We go to the store. We take our animals with us. I have an affectionate, cute pig. I go to the back room in the building with Sebastian, his wife, the pig and the dog. The owners are a family. Warmth. Some kind of difficulty over the well being of pig is taken care of.

1MKA, 1FKA, 1ANI, 2JKA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0055

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

A cat (male) mates with a rabbit (female). I am amazed that all the offspring look exactly like the cat. There are no rabbit characteristics at all. Something about genetic mutations. Hundreds of teats. Hundreds of kittens in a litter.

1ANI, 1ANI, 2ANI

CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0056

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

Someone "jumps" or falls from a high bridge. As he lays dying, he keeps forcing himself to stay alive and repeats the name of the person who killed him, a "k" sound "ke."

1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0057

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

A story is unfolded in a "court." A judge, male, fat, and cold, in a clothing store of some kind. Racks of "lacy" and "painted" dresses hang right next to jury. During the story, the one juror interrupts to say that someone wants to buy a dress. The proceedings are halted so that a dress is tried on. Lacy butterfly sleeves, a print skirt. The story involves a baby named Nancy (or Amort) who swallowed a peanut and started to suffocate. The air was cut off and she became a mental retard with a score of a "little less" than 70. Some man was keeping her as a pet and playing sexual games with her. The man was on trial.

1MOA, 1ISA, 1MSC, 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0058

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I received a package. There were lots of letters in it and a pair of frozen hands. I started reading the letters to figure out what happened. It was addressed to M. Ford. Apparently, a guy I had met there (blonde, blue eyes) had been sent to Vietnam and "bought" it. He had asked the army to send his hands to me so I could have new, transplanted hands.

1MKA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0059

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

Howard was asking me to come back to him. I said no. I felt sad for him but I didn't want to give up my freedom.

1MKA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0060

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

The kids were playing on a lawn. My mother was watching them. I said, "It's nap time." We walked over to a room and put them down for a nap. I went across street to a motel and took a room. I was going to read the letter sent with hands but some cleaning persons were around. The blonde guy appeared to explain why he sent the hands to me. The army in the shape of a lieutenant came and inducted me as private. I laughed. They ordered me to march. I didn't take them seriously. I "play marched" around.

2JKA, 1FKA, 2MOA, 1MOA, 1MOA

b

Barb Sanders

0061

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I'm driving down the M City main street. Icy streets. I start to brake gently blocks away, to the turn corner. I'm very careful. I go to a corner restaurant. An older fellow is there named Charlie Charisma. Sometimes he ignores me. I order French toast, omelet, etc., hot chocolate. Dark woods in tables, rich place.

1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0062

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

As I was "waking up" from a nap, Ginny and Rosemary were perched on my bed. Ginny was doing Math. I watched her count columns, carry and write numbers as she figured and I said, "You do math like me." She wasn't doing well. Then I got worried. I said, "Oh Lord, I'm sure that I'm signed up for an intro to German class, but I forgot to go to any classes and it's late in the term. I'll flunk." I started looking through my filing cabinet for the register form. I saw some B'day cards scrunched in there. Rosemary said, "Take those out." I had to see a boy standing on his head trying to say something but no one would listen. It was a B'day card to the devil. He had a grotesque red face, with huge reddish teeth. He was standing very large in a formal striped suit with a tie and carnation and a huge overcoat on. His coarse, snaky tail was draped around him. No fear. [BL]

1FKA, 1FKA, 1MSA

AP D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0063

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I was back to teaching, wearing a full skirt like in the 1950's that billowed and swirled around me. I was in my classroom, reading through a "reading" book and getting ideas to teach with. I felt good and capable. Xmas themes in the book. I hear a child crying, "Help! Help!" I go out into the hall. Some little girl was trying to push open the doors to get out of the girl's room. She had enough strength to hold it partially open but couldn't get any further! I picked her up and soothed her. I walked her up and down halls, feeling a limp in my bad leg but glad I could pick her up and carry her. Three times I went past the editor's office. He came out and walked with me (the girl disappeared). We were looking over lists of concerts (rock). He said, "You've probably not been to many." I said, "Ha. I certainly have." He showed me his arm. Two rock groups were engraved in red on his arm. "The Million Dollar Kid" and the "Crystal XXX." We strolled down the street. I told him how the people had kindly re-hired me and that I was feeling pretty good now and I could handle it.

1FSC, 1FSC, 1MOA, 2JSA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0064

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

Fade. Kids and books (residue) from school still props in the dream but now I'm with a big, strong, ugly blonde guy. He's gentle and yet strong. He has a pickup. He gets me into the pickup (parked next to mine). He kisses my neck very softly. It's very sexy and sensual. I dig it.

1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0065

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

I am sitting around minding my own business and a young man (like Bob, coast guard) decides he likes me. He follows me around a lot; he decides he's in love with me. I am a little annoyed. He's like a puppy, always underfoot. He follows me around. His mom doesn't approve. Then I'm a member of a group of people (about 4 or 5 of us). We are sitting on a bench facing another group. We are diplomats/entertainers. A Prime Minister and his wife get up and dance a cute dance around. They are dancing the other group's native dance (like a minuet or country dance of England). I am watching. Then a guy (Howard/Arthur) grabs me and says, "Here, it's like this," and he and I dance the dance. I hurt as I try the steps going up to the platform, and feel embarrassed. I get back to the bench. I am annoyed with him for not warning me so I could practice. Now I'm lying face down getting a massage, next to a woman like Bette Midler. We are talking. She asks if I was upset and I say, "Ya, he should have given me time to practice, because I didn't like losing face." Then we're watching a guy called the "Roman slave," dancing. He wears a Roman toga and a "slave token" on his ear, a ceramic painted stone on a leather thong. A man/woman dances around him. As the man/woman dances, he moves his finger subtly into the gesture of the "finger." He puts the finger gesture of each hand into the belt loops, one marked "h" and threw the other marked "f." It was done like a strip tease. The group screams and laughs in delight at his audacity and subtlety.

1MOA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MPA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1MSA

AN D, AP D, AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0066

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

3 women in a house. They were given pretty white "ribbons" for their hair. One wore a white gown, and threw the white ribbon down on the ground. She broke it. She said it made her look too old. Some male figure was bossy, angry. Indians attack. We hide and fight in the house. We make a run for the car (an old Model T). It has gas. We drive (flat tire), country side (orange leaves like of fall, but it's supposed to be desert-like).

2FSA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 2IEA

AN 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0067

1960-1997

1977-??-??

F

YA

Betsy helped move me in her car. She got upset because I spilled noodles on her car in the trunk. Moved to new house. Trying to move things in, dulcimer and fiddle. It was dark. I suddenly get nervous because I have no car. I have no way to get to school. I note a grocery store on the corner. I feel relieved but worry about money to buy food. My parents come by and ask if I need any money. A red house. I like it.

1FKA, 1FKA, 2JKA

AP D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0068

1960-1997

1978-02-04

F

YA

I had the most incredible dream. I was back in the hospital only it was a sort of school. I'd just been informed that I was going to be executed at 9:00 the next morning because I'd not gone to a meeting. I was paralyzed with fear and the enormity of the injustice. My 2 roommates, also condemned, went home for the night to be with friends and family. I didn't have anyone special to go to, so I stayed. Someone (perhaps my alter ego), came to me and said, "Come on, let's fight this. We'll go talk to them. They won't do it." We flew, over a muddy, cold, choppy lake. A lady in a helicopter was who we were to speak to. My friend advised me to speak confusingly, not good to be clear and direct. It didn't work. I was back in my room. The chaplain came in. He brought me a "form 52, a form of protest" to fill out. If I filled it out, they'd have to stop the execution and deliberate. He said, "Sometimes it takes them 'til summer!" [BL]

2JKA, 1FSA, 2JKA, 1FSA, 1MOA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0069

1960-1997

1978-04-10

F

YA

I had the craziest dream! I was piloting a very colorful space craft, purples and reds. My controls were an organ keyboard. I played some pretty good music. Dynamite colors and sounds. Vibrant.

b

Barb Sanders

0070

1960-1997

1978-04-11

F

YA

I had another strange dream, about kittens. The 3rd one. This one, I gave birth to 1 dozen kittens for their mother. I called her over. She moved them to a drawer nest, one bright orange one, one yellow one. I said they would be mine. The rest would be given away. They were cute, fuzzy, and playful. There was a puppy in this dream too. Strange. What does this symbolize to me? [BL]

2ANI, 1FKA, 1ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0071

1960-1997

1978-04-24

F

YA

Weird dreams. Spaceships. Running out of oxygen, a plant saved us.

1ISA, 1ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0072

1960-1997

1978-05-04

F

YA

I had a complex dream. I was traveling back to the Coast to see someone important (the kids, I think). I kept trying to think of the name of the place. City X didn't fit; State Y seemed appropriate. I was traveling first by plane, then by train and then on foot. I remember dreaming saying, "I'm in a Peyote dream" I kept meeting E City people, all warm and strong. Rosemary said, "You could always see deeper than me." Marty Ac and Jamie.

2JSA, 1FKA, 2MKA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0073

1960-1997

1978-05-05

F

YA

More dreams. I was in a chair. 2 chair carriers, "Curly" and "Nigel" carried me to my new place of residence. They were warm and understanding. I was at the University. The administrator had chosen my new place. They carried me several narrow flights of stairs down to a basement. A door opened on my new room. It was fitted with MR's, CP's, and "Cripples." I asked the name of the residence hall. They said it was the "Handicapped and Cripples Home." I refused to go in. I said, "I've got a brace and a limp, but I won't be shoved away like they are." I insisted they take me to the administrator. He was terribly busy. I persisted. Curly and Nigel brought student support people. I demanded to be heard. I said, "It's not right. Some of these people can't get out of there into the sunshine."

1MKA, 1MOA, 2ISA, 2ISA

b

Barb Sanders

0074

1960-1997

1978-05-13

F

YA

I had a strange dream. Someone named Chuck Mahoney had made an album. It was bad. Someone said, "Here's his second album. Isn't it lucky someone took a chance on him and laid the money down for a second try? It's really good, his second album." Then Raul and all the men from my past came in. I felt embarrassed. Then a man and a woman were facing each other. A question was asked of the woman. The man was fervently hoping she'd answer correctly in his favor, but she answered "money" and the man was very sad. He looked at me and said, "In some cases, divorce is very good."

1MKA, 1ISA, 1MKA, 1MSA, 1FSA

AP D, SD 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0075

1960-1997

1979-07-03

F

YA

General during wartime.

1MOA

b

Barb Sanders

0076

1960-1997

1979-07-03

F

YA

1800's.

b

Barb Sanders

0077

1960-1997

1979-07-03

F

YA

Unknown.

b

Barb Sanders

0078

1960-1997

1979-07-03

F

YA

Howard and his wife. I was drinking beer after beer, getting drunk. I was worried because I had to drive home (state).

1MKA, 1FKA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0079

1960-1997

1979-07-03

F

YA

I was in bed. My heart started pounding and then beating irregularly. My spirit came out of my body. I saw my bedroom (arched doorway). I flew out through the window and sort of hung around wondering what I was supposed to do next (Dying was like I was the camera and as I ascended, the room got smaller and more distant). I decided to visit some people. I went to Blake's office. He couldn't see me. I sat cross legged on the desk top facing him, close, eye to eye. He looked suddenly sad. He went to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. I "enveloped him" with my spirit. He felt very sad. Then I ascended and went to Nate at his shop. The same thing. Then I was in a cloudy sky going up. I felt a little apprehensive because I would soon be high enough to run out of oxygen. Then I remembered that I didn't need air. I looked up. I broke through the clouds and felt happy because I was going to live among the stars. They were beautiful, diamond points, in a black velvet sky. I came to an immense hall (floor only, no roofs or walls). This was heaven. There were 2 large buildings at each end of the halls. Libraries were there so we could pursue learning, seeing as how we'd be there for an eternity. I met a girl (possibly Laurie). I asked her what we were supposed to do. She just shrugged and pointed to a door. We could pick rooms to live in. We were placed in general areas so that as other people we knew on Earth died, they'd come to the same area so we could be together. I asked, "What about people who remarried?" She answered it was no problem, everyone got along together up here. There were viewers in the library so we could watch people on Earth. I entered a room. There were several shower rooms. My 3 girls were there. If you got in a shower, you were transported back to Earth to live out another's life. I started to enter a shower room. My 2 eldest girls, Dovre and Ellie, had gone in. Then my youngest, Paulina, suddenly changed her mind and veered into another shower room. I hesitated and then followed her because I was worried she'd get into a tough area. I was transported to the body of a young, pretty blonde woman in the process of drowning in a raging white water river. I felt a little aggravated because I'd have to die twice. Then "we" made it to shore. I was separated from my daughter. I met people who knew the girl and I tried to understand my new surroundings. There was a man, slightly evil, a harem keeper type. I woke up.

2JSA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 2FKA, 1MKA

CO D, AP D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0080

1960-1997

1979-07-04

F

YA

Snakes in the undergrowth in my office. I asked Kathleen to get rid of them. Big boa constrictors.

1FKA, 2ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0081

1960-1997

1979-07-04

F

YA

A bar. I went in. Several guys, musicians. I sat at their table. An older guy (like cook Dave) was telling stories. He mentioned the Quadriplegic Rodeo. I watched a "cat" that bumped into a jukebox (see drawing) that turned into a man on top and a woman on bottom. I walked through the bar stepping up on tables and chairs rather than going around them. Before that I had been riding a large deer with antlers. He was kind of wild and I kept thinking he'd turn on me.

2MSA, 1MKA, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0082

1960-1997

1979-07-05

F

YA

I was to teach a class in cooking. I had a sack full of papers, food stuffs, etc. I went to the office to see if I could make some schedule changes at the last minute but no dice. Sherrie said the recipe sounded good. She'd like a taste. She walked down to the classroom with me, Room 319. The same guy named Dave was teaching the same kind of class in the next room. I couldn't find my recipe card. I looked and looked. No students showed up. I suddenly remembered that I was to teach a laundry class next hour and I was not prepared at all. As I started cooking the meat, Eve called with list of names for a later club meeting. Sherrie was getting impatient. I felt incompetent. I then see the recipe card floating in a room of water. It is all soggy. I turn the meat over, and burn the card that was stuck in the oven door. I thought, "I must restructure the furniture in the room as I can't get around well," (previous dream snatches, Tony and Nancy W. A guy like Dwight.)

1FKA, 1MKA, 2JOA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0083

1960-1997

1979-07-06

F

YA

Back at a place like uni house. The kids and I are going to see the movie "Tell Me that you Love me Junie Moon." We get to the concert hall. I see some friends (blonde woman), and the kids go to sit by them. I look in a side room. A circle of people sitting in chair (regular ones) forming. I chat for a moment and then go to join my kids. I see an empty space behind friends. I must "tightrope" walk a bench (blonde wood). As I almost get there, my "friends" get up and leave like strangers (I had overslept and was late to movie). Now I'm at a house. It's late at night and dark. Fletcher walks in. I say, "Hi." We talk. I say, "So, on your way back to Hawaii?" (He wore a Hawaiian shirt). He is surprised that I know so much about him. Generally he's cool and distant but when I read him right, he really looks at me. He starts to make love to me. He doesn't really care about me or how I feel. He has an orgasm. Then I feel an orgasm coming. He sucks my breasts. They are flabby and old. I am at first embarrassed. Then I don't care. I get in a dominant position and go for an orgasm. I kiss his ear. He is non-responsive. He's like Raul, but skinny like Elliot. [BL]

2JKA, 1FSA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1MKA

AP D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0084

1960-1997

1979-07-06

F

YA

The kids and I are in a large building. The girls have sent away for "spirits" or witches. We are directed to a room. It is a rip off. The girls are disappointed. Dovre goes upstairs to complain. She comes running down the stairs worried. A witch has threatened her. The witch comes downstairs and says we must buy or she'll "get us" with other scary spirits. I say, "Oh, yeh?" I "howl" at the air to protect my kids and scare the spirits away. I'm a little scared myself. I raise up in the air and yell, "Arrrr!" Kathleen comes around the corner. "What are you doing?" I say, "Looking to see if a lion comes at my kids." Then one comes around the corner, and I scare him. I raise up in the air and yell "Arrr." The lion stops.

2FKA, 2FSA, 1FKA, 2FSA, 1FKA, 1ANI

SD 1FKA, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0085

1960-1997

1979-07-06

F

YA

Howard and I split up. He takes the kids. As he walks away from me, their backs are all to me. I feel badly. I see "Drew" walking ahead of them. He has "given" me some other kids in exchange. I say, "No! I want at least one of my own." He finally agrees. I'm in a house. A group has arrived for a tour of a "fire engine-bus." I show them the fine features of the swivel driver's seat. We're in a field. There are lots of busses, games, and ladies at tables. I ask why we're so far away from the house. They shrug. A janitor comes by and points to the clock. "11:30," I say. "Break for lunch. We'll reset up closer to the house after lunch." In the house, there are lots of papers piled on a bench. I move them.

1MKA, 2JSC, 1MKA, 2FSA, 1MOA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0086

1960-1997

1979-07-07

F

YA

I was at work. It was hectic. It was the beginning of the new term.I was trying to work on a report. People running in and out. Malcolm asked me to lunch. I said, "Yes," and then remembered I already had promised another person. I told her I couldn't make it, just as another woman came in my office to talk. Then the phone rang. A male voice said, "What's for dessert?" I laughed and started searching for my appointment book. I said, "This time I'm going to find the time." Then Malcolm, girl and I went to lunch. I was cutting a journalism class. I felt guilty. I then decided it was OK. A guy with long hair and a big sombrero sat next to us. Malcolm made some snide comment. The lady "sombrero" we were with gave an indirect apology and explanation.

1MKA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1MSA

AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0087

1960-1997

1979-07-07

F

YA

I was giving a presentation at work. All the staff members were there. I finally was ready. People were getting their cafeteria lunches in next room. People were moving in and out. A few people were really listening. I was talking about disabled students at the community college. Halfway in the middle of the speech, people just got up and left. It was lunch time. They had things to do. I turned and a girl spoke to me. She was describing a terrible incident she had witnessed. I became a good counselor, drew her aside, noted that it was OK for her to cry and I listened well.

2JKA, 2JSA, 2JSA, 1FSA

b

Barb Sanders

0088

1960-1997

1979-07-07

F

YA

I saw a "sci-fi" movie out of the corner of my eye. A godzilla monster tearing--

1CZZ

b

Barb Sanders

0089

1960-1997

1979-07-07

F

YA

---for shore a short distance away. He put out his hand and pulled me out. I turned to look at the pool. "A crocodile, 1 of 2 on the place," he said, surfaced, bubbling water, with eyes bulging. He went under again. I went back to the house. Another brother came out. He said he would give me a ride since my chair was broken. I sat on his left, my arm around his shoulders. We drove on a narrow hall like a ramp in an amusement park house, crowded with doors, curves, etc. He said, "Here's an interesting booth called 'the House'." It had a scale model of a huge house with many doors and windows. It was like an old tree. He sped up the chair as we approached a curb. We sailed over it and bounced. I smiled. Then I looked ahead. We went off the edge of a huge drop off, like an amusement ride, like the grand canyon. The pit of my stomach jerked. Instead of falling, he manipulated the chair so we "free floated" sideways in the air. It was fun. He was calm, somewhat detached. I felt branches gently touching the back of my head. I reached out and touched white blossoms on the tree. A nut fell in my hand. He guided the chair backwards to our jumping off point. At this point, I was sitting on his lap, facing him, looking up at his dispassionate face. We came to a stop on solid ground. I smiled and said, "Wow. You know, would you believe that I'm usually afraid of heights?" He made no response. I said, "What is this I picked from the tree?" He said, "You picked a nut off the tree. Just don't try to pick my nuts." I laughed.

1ANI, 1MSA

HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0090

1960-1997

1980-02-19

F

YA

A wedding. The guests were dressed up like for Halloween, Witches, etc. The bride came and stood at the alter. A male in drag, crying (fake), and exaggerating a coquettish female, came down the aisle (raked steps like the theater at the community college). He was the "groom." Then after he got to the aisle, he took off his mask and was an usher. The real groom (male), came down the steps. The female minister in costume was replaced by a male, "real" minister. [BL]

2JSA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1MOA, 1MOA

b

Barb Sanders

0091

1960-1997

1980-02-19

F

YA

I was in a house. Ants were crawling all over everything. I was appalled. "Yuck." I tried to find way out without touching them. "It's just like in that movie," I said. I opened the door and went out. There were lots of people. Then I was an ant (only still my real self). A large person (woman) came to contemptuously step on me. "Get in that hole," she sneered. I was laying down and trying to squeeze under a post. I didn't fit.

2ANI, 2JSA, 1FSA

CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0092

1960-1997

1980-02-19

F

YA

After the wedding, a friend and I were sitting in the auditorium. A good looking guy (minister) sat down next to me. My friend was talking to him. "Oh," she said loudly for my benefit "you're not married." I looked over at him and started talking and really looking at him. He was very nice, sympathetic. Then a bus, lots of people on another as it passed.

1FKA, 1MOA, 2JSA

b

Barb Sanders

0093

1960-1997

1980-02-19

F

YA

Some one was injured. A child or a friend who was disabled. I was upset and frantic to find her. Minister had a speech problem. The angrier he got, the more he lisped and couldn't speak. He called on the phone to find out where the child was taken. We walked down a sidewalk. He said, "She was taken to the Monastery. Can you handle it?" I was explaining to him that I am a chameleon. "I have one basic personality but I blend in comfortably with lots of different people types." I said, "I can feel comfortable and make them comfortable, about Roman Catholics and about being conservative." He looked at me. "You are conservative." He said. I was startled that he knew. "How did you know?" I said. Then we're at a big palace, his home. People were talking about me behind my back. I awoke with the phrase, "A cripple for a Queen," being whispered. The minister was apparently the King of England.

1FSA, 1MOA, 2JSA, 1MPA, 2JSA

CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0094

1960-1997

1980-02-20

F

YA

Rhonda, her husband, her "Ricardo" son, 2 1/2 yrs old and I were at a famous local actor's home auditioning. I did a good performance. The actor was very intense and liked my work. Rhonda was being supportive. Then the son became obnoxious and climbed all over the people and yelled and tried to break things. Rhonda had just adopted the child and didn't know how to handle him. She tried to coax him to be good. Her husband made a suggestion. She smiled and said, "What a good idea. 6 o'clock him." I felt like I could handle the son with no problem and wanted to help Rhonda. The actor announced some times for rehearsal at the coast. I couldn't hear it clearly and noticed that Rhonda was taking notes.

1FKA, 1MKA, 1MSC, 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0095

1960-1997

1980-02-20

F

YA

[snatches of another dream] Very old beautiful pieces of cloth on chairs. An ancient woman owned them. Another woman was exclaiming about the beauty of the rare antique. I felt sorry that the woman couldn't live with them normally but had to move so they wouldn't be injured. I wanted them but realized that when the woman died, they would go to some other person because of blood lines. I was only a relative by marriage.

1FSA, 1FSA, 1ISA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0096

1960-1997

1980-02-20

F

YA

A puppy like mine and another puppy (tan, cuddly, and small). I pick them up because they almost get run over. Then I put them down so they can run away. A man watches. The puppies turn into cats. He picks up one, an orange stripped one. The man is warm, watching. I feel a little badly about just letting the animals go to find food and a home on their own.

1ANI, 1MSA, 1ANI

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0097

1960-1997

1980-02-25

F

YA

Some heavy journey in the wilderness. Then, a young girl in a white satin bride dress comes into my shop. Everything is white. She is snotty and doesn't like me. She then goes into the next section of my shop, all white tablecloths, glasses, etc. She sits on red velvet. I think, "How beautiful." I then go to get in my car that I have finally gotten from my brother. It's a blue and white '55 Chevy with a continental kit. It's in good shape. It's punch hooked beautifully all over the outside. Both of my brothers are in the enormous backseat. Dwight is laughing and saying that the bride's brother doesn't want to marry me, but his family will force him to. He teases me because he knows I want to marry this guy. I think, "Hum, it could be interesting if we married," like it would be a challenge to get him to love me. I then tell Dwight the car is his. He grins and gets into the driver's seat. We start going. I grab at a styrofoam cup with coffee, cigs, ashtray, etc. and put them in my lap. I am sitting on a car seat that is sideways to the rest of the seats. Hot wax (pink) spills on my pant leg. Dwight drives us to a "turn-out" on a bridge that over looks the town of M City main street.

1FSA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 2JKA

b

Barb Sanders

0098

1960-1997

1980-02-25

F

YA

Patsy wanted to show me something. Had a question. It was important. I went to a side room and knocked on the door. A man was inside (black). I had a lot of respect for him. Then as I opened the door, I saw that he had enormous, hard wood, tall (10 feet), pieces of furniture (grandfather clocks). At first I said, "I'm sorry to bother you. I'll only take 5 minutes." Then I exclaimed, "Oh, you have the clocks. They're not lost." I looked at one small one on a cabinet and admired the intricate inner workings. He smiled. I asked him my question. He helped me. It was a warm and gentle relationship. He was sitting on a bed. Then another man came in. He loved me. Patsy put a mortar board graduation hat on my head. He smiled. I said, "I got another degree, my master's, no, a second degree." I was sitting on the bed. He kissed me. I layed down. The hat wouldn't stay on. We agreed to get married. The door opened and Patsy was leaving. A third man looked in. He was sad because I wasn't marrying him.

1MKA, 1MSA, 1MSA

SD 1MSA

b

Barb Sanders

0099

1960-1997

1980-02-25

F

YA

Previous to another dream from Feb. 25, I dreamt of cats in a room. I went to them or they went to me.

2ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0100

1960-1997

1980-02-26

F

YA

Howard came at me with a knife, a kitchen knife, with a wooden handle, right for my jugular vein. He was very angry and hurt. I felt afraid. I also felt empathy for him. I was obstinate and always had to get my way.

1MKA

AN 1MKA, SD 1MKA, AP D, AN 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0101

1960-1997

1980-03-04

F

YA

Paul McCartney and my "friends" were on one side of a room, and the Arabs were on the other. A chain link fence was between us but there were gaps in it. Paul started yelling insults and taunts at the Arabs. I said, "Stop it." I stood up and walked to him. The Arabs started yelling back and coming into "our" side of the room to fight. I was in the middle; I made them go back. Paul and the others started up again. I again tried to stop them. One Arab thanked me. Then, they all started again and I gave up. It was too big. I gathered up some things and left the room. Now I was in the hall. I said, "I want to get away, where there's no people." Paul said, "You want to go camping?" I'm not enthused. I want a fireplace, etc. My father said, "You can go somewhere remote, if you can handle traveling over the Texas desert." I ask if we can go where there are no hunters. I don't want to get shot. [BL]

1MKA, 2IKA, 2JEA, 1MEA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0102

1960-1997

1980-03-19

F

YA

Some guy named Miles is in his mother's sleazy bar. I come in. Miles' eyes are ugly, burnt brown, whites, ridges where it should be smooth, pale, watery, no teeth. He's an alcoholic. I feel repulsed but feel sorry for him. I agree to marry him, knowing I don't want to. I keep trying to see him as handsome. After a struggle, he has teeth, healthier hair, and his eyes are normal. We leave for our honeymoon. I see a lake, green, smooth, calm, with living trees under the water. It's a complete forest. Several people are fishing at the edge. "No beach," says I. We go on.

1MKA, 1FKA, 2JSA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0103

1960-1997

1980-03-19

F

YA

A dinosaur. I am on its back. A large beautiful snake, green and shiny, with gold threads, is its driver. I must hold on to her head just behind the jaw to keep from getting bit and to control where to go. She tries to bite me. I have to be very strong to keep her under control. I am struggling hard and I almost can't do it. She turns to look at me and says, "'Little girls' shouldn't (or couldn't) do this." [BL]

1ANI, 1ANI

b

Barb Sanders

0104

1960-1997

1980-03-19

F

YA

Howard and I are at a campsite. I say, "Hey, let's talk about the kids and not always fight." He agrees. It was friendly. There was a slight sense of me being on guard. Howard was standing near the open door of the cab of the red pickup. I was standing near him. Chuck sees him and comes up. "Oh, who's this?" he says curiously. "This is my ex-husband, Howard." Chuck looks at me like, "Shall I protect you?" I look at him like, "No, it's O.K."

1MKA, 1MKA, 1MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0105

1960-1997

1980-03-19

F

YA

Later, I'm being chased by people in 4 helicopters. They are trying to shoot me. I get on top of a green airplane just barely larger than my body. I lay down on it so it and I are the same configuration. I control the speed with my hands on the prop. We fly over a big shiny lake. I look back. Two men run and jump into the lake to escape the helicopter. They land head first in shallow water from the waist to the feet. They are out of the water (standing on their heads) I go over a mountain, calling ahead to get permission of the airport to land quickly. At first they refuse. I have to wait my turn, heavy traffic. I tell them this is an emergency. They say, "O.K., you'll have 10 seconds between planes." I then get inside the plane. I think, "No, I don't want to, I feel trapped," but then I decide to because I would have metal around me and the chair back to stop bullets. I land. Then I'm in a huge house sort of like M City, only there are lots of windows everywhere (like at in-service old club house). I tell people, "Duck down, or you'll get shot." A mixture of people are there. Chuck, Dylan and lots of young college age women. One young woman wants to know what's going to happen to our deal over the yarn if some of us get shot. I am impatient with her. I say, "If I get shot, the yarn's yours, O.K.? The rest we'll worry about later." I go downstairs. Two Seans come in, nonchalantly. [BL]

2JSA, 2MSA, 1MKA, 2FSA, 1FSA, 2MKA

b

Barb Sanders

0106

1960-1997

1980-03-19

F

YA

I'm in an old time car (like a van). I am an old woman. My "sister" and I are being taken away. I create a diversion and jump from the moving car to the road to get help. I land on my feet by a fenced cow pasture. I start hitchhiking. Someone going in the wrong direction for me sticks their nose in the air and won't turn around to help. The next person stops to help.

1FKA, 1ISA, 1ISA

b

Barb Sanders

0107

1960-1997

1980-09-29

F

YA

I have a date with Hank. I think it's strange that he asked me out. I ask him something about the counseling program at the University. He gives me a cold, straight look and says he's not going to be a counselor. I ask, "Why not?" He says because they told hime that he won't make a good counselor. He should go into some other business. We agree to go to a movie. We start to go, but something prevents it. Then Bonnie and I are preparing for dinner to give my parents. I am helping to get the food on the table. I say, "Well, at least I cooked the chicken...well, not exactly cooked, but I bought Kentucky Fried Chicken." I felt guilty and shrugged my shoulders to my mother. My father gave me a cold hard stare. He started talking to me in a low, strong monotone. There was a background of scary music like a killer stalking me. He told me I never did anything, to get out. Couldn't I at least even make my mother a cup of coffee? He went on and on. I was scared and started packing to leave. He had suddenly gone insane. He kept talking in that low voice. Bonnie and I left. He couldn't handle my disability. He kept referring to it. I went downstairs. I saw Lee (from uni house) lounging in a chair. I told Bonnie to wait a minute. I apologized because I couldn't make our date before. He had graying whiskers. I asked him to listen for sounds from above him (upstairs) to see if my father was hurting my mother and if he heard scuffling or hitting he was to go stop it. He said, "O.K." I felt guilty for not staying myself, but I felt afraid and didn't think I could help. I then went down the hallway. To the right was a pond or lake. My parents were in it. White haired. My father was pushing my mother under with one hand on top of her head. I saw the air bubbles and then just before she drowned he let her up to say mean things in that voice. "Had enough? Can't breathe? Don't be mean to me, that will teach you." She'd say, "Uh," and go under again. She hardly had time to take in a breath. She looked like me, only she had white hair. I then ran down the hall and called out, "Help, police." I called out to a lot of men out on the hill in Grandma Mildred's backyard. "Help Chuck! Help, Dylan! Help, Tyler! Come quickly! They slowly walked over to me and asked what was the matter. I asked them to stop my father. They looked around slowly. Then I went back inside and got the phone, an old time black one. It rang instead of a dial tone. I was in a "second best" living room at V's farm. I asked the old woman sitting across from me what was the matter with the telephone. She shrugged. "It always does that." The operator finally answers. She was very non-caring. "What do you want?" She asked. I said, "Connect me with the state mental institution. My father has gone insane." My father was staring at me in a cold, hard way as I said it. The music was there. She said, "They are closed." I looked at my watch. It was 1:10 a.m. I said, "What shall I do?" She said, "Oh, have him go out, downtown, and then if he hurts someone, the police will throw him in jail." I was appalled. I repeated that remark to a group of people in the room like I couldn't believe my ears at the non-preventative approach. The crime had to be committed before help could arrive. I hung up. Then I called the operator back. I asked her to connect me with Jim B. at the University. She told me a pleasant story how she went to school in Wisconsin with his wife, and then connected me. It rang and rang but there was no answer. Then I was aware of fear and that music from the phone. My father's voice said, "Hello, or Ya." It was very cold and menacing. I started to explain, "I am Barb Sanders. I went to school 2 years ago, do you remember me?" A long oppressive silence, the music. I went on to explain that I needed his help to get my father into a state mental hospital because he went gone insane. I put my hand over the receiver and asked Bonnie to peek into the other room to see if my father was on the extension. She said he was. I knew then I had been cut off. My father came back in the room and stared at me, cold and hard. The rest of the people, Lee, Bonnie, and the old woman, started to go to sleep. I felt tired and sleepy too. I felt fear because they were all going to go to sleep and I'd have to face him alone and I grew heavy with exhaustion.

1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JKA

AP D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0108

1960-1997

1980-10-14

F

YA

Howard is driving a beat up VW bus. His wife Karen, the kids and I are in the bus. I am the in passenger seat. I see Howard going to sleep as he drives. I am angry. I yank the driver's seat from him. We argue. He is on a bended knee next to my right side, trying to get close to me. I feel very closed in, rigid. Karen pleads with me to see his need to drive and to be close. I'm angry and I argue that it's best for me to drive and that I don't like him anyway, so there! The brakes are weak and I have trouble stopping or slowing us down when it is needed. [BL]

1MKA, 1FKA, 2JKC

AN D

b

Barb Sanders

0109

1960-1997

1980-10-15

F

YA

I was sitting/lying open position on a table top with a kitten on my tummy. I was looking open and sexy. A man was looking at me. He and his 3 brothers were paid by my father (a rancher) to protect us from some evil bunch of ranchers who had huge Clydesdale horses that pulled a big wagon. It was night. I kept seeing the shadow of these men riding by in the night on patrol. The guy got up and came to me all agitated and begged me to kiss him. I got coy and turned my head and said, "No!" This happened three times. He loved me and I teased him. Then later, there was a terrible train wreck, cars, the Clydales, everything destroyed. The evil one was trying to hurt me. I married this man who loved me. I was ill or something; I couldn't remember that I had kids. 5 kids came by and someone said, "These are yours." 3 redheads and 3 blondes. One of the children said, "And Paulina died." I was shocked and hurt. The child who said it looked like he felt badly for having blurted it out. It was like I had been mentally ill and was coming out of it. Later, I had some warm feelings for this man and we hugged.

1ANI, 2MSA, 2MKA, 2ANI, 1MSA, 2JSC, 1FSA, 1MSC

CO D, SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0110

1960-1997

1980-10-16

F

YA

I was on stage with lots of people. I was sitting at a small table with 3 or 4 people. The rest were on risers, facing the audience. A woman in the group turned to another woman and started picking on her verbally. I didn't like it. I stood up and placed my body between them and faced the one who was attacking. I shook her shoulders and said, "Stop it. I'm tired of this and I want you all to stop now!" Then, we all sang for the audience. I was standing in front of the group. I sang with the group. Then I had a solo. It was beautiful; 1 long, high, clear note. I got a standing ovation. I was looking at the audience wondering if it were a standing ovation, or if they were leaving because it was the end of the play. A very tall red headed man, shy, came over to me. He was naive. He wanted to kiss me. I was amused. He would bend way down. The kiss wasn't very satisfactory. He kept trying different ways. Finally, I got a little exasperated that he wasn't figuring it out fast enough, so I reached out and hopped up and wrapped my arms around him. It was a very satisfying, sexy kiss. I could feel his penis, hard and I thought, "Oh, it's small." Maybe I should stop before it goes any further.

2JSA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1MSA

HA D, CO D

b

Barb Sanders

0111

1960-1997

1980-10-19

F

YA

I was teaching a young man to play the trumpet, even though I don't play one. I showed him how to play a clear note. Then I played a song. I was good. Some man of importance was watching. Then the volatile girlfriend of the young man came looking for him. She was very emotional. I followed them upstairs and hid in the closet to overhear. Then I felt badly about not being open, and came to them, like a counselor. He asked me to stay and listen. I did. The situation then cleared up. The girl and I went down steep stairs (like in the theater), and sat on stools. Mine was high. We hoped no one would question us because we had no tickets. Earl came by and handed his tickets at us thinking we were ushers.

1MSA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 1MKA

SD D

b

Barb Sanders

0112

1960-1997

1980-10-19

F

YA

Later, I had a confrontation with an authority figure (I think it was me). I had something I was going to trade for the coral pillow that was directly connected with my mother's "enslavement." He had her under his power (like blackmail) as long as he had the coral pillow. He said, "You want all of it?" I said, "Yes." He said, "O.K." Then I was driving. Some one is with me (a young man, I think). I take a new path. It's like I was saying to myself, "Ah, ya, I'm free now. I can break the old habits and take a new path. I felt scared, like he would disapprove and I'd get in trouble. Then over a rise, I saw the ocean from a new perspective and it was beautiful. Then I went over the rise. The path was so steep, like a cliff. I made it. There was a table in the ocean. Some person had his head in the "sand." On the table was an old faded silk pillow with a picture of a leopard on it (like my needlepoint pillow). I felt blocked by this man, but then I just reached out and took the pillow and gave it to my mother (the man and my mother were also me). I felt very free and exhilarated.

1MSA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1ANI

AP D, HA D

b

Barb Sanders

0113

1960-1997

1980-10-21

F

YA

A man had a newborn baby with him. It was very small. I felt great caring for the baby. I nursed it and cuddled it. The man took me to his house. It was the wee hours of the night. His wife came out of the other room and looked at us. The man was a picture of guilt. I bluffed my way through, trying to think of logical reasons why I was there and looking calm and collected. I felt guilty also.

1MSA, 1ISC, 1FSA

HA D, AP 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0114

1960-1997

1980-10-21

F

YA

I was throwing papers away in a box. A fire started in the box (hot stuff in papers created coals and sparks). My needlepoint canvas caught fire. I hit it with my hand to put it out. Then, I had a glove on. I got the fire out. Then I saw that my guitar was on fire, at the heads. I took a towel and smothered the fires. I noticed my banjo was lying on the floor under the guitars and was unharmed. I looked at it. Then I saw a fire place with a roll of butcher paper stuck in it (like my class is doing life-lines on). The paper was on fire. I took out things I didn't want to burn. Then a rack of clothes, lots of them, were beside the fireplace. I told my mother, "These are old and out of date. I think I'll throw them away." She was shocked. "You could fix them up." I said, "I hate to sew." She was more shocked and angry. "Why didn't you tell me that when I was younger? Then I wouldn't have bought you material and stuff," (that I had asked for). I said, "At that time I was trying to like it, but everything I sewed looked bad, seams were uneven, stitches were showing, zippers were uneven, etc." Lydia held up a mauve dress for a 1 yr old. She said, "Here, I've outgrown this, you can have it and maybe fix it." I said, "No, It won't fit me or my girls. I have no use for it." She was annoyed with me.

1FKA, 1FKA, 2FKA

CO 1FKA, AN 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0115

1960-1997

1980-10-22

F

YA

I'm in a pool of water. My oldest daughter Dovre, is with me. She has 3 air mattresses she is laying on; she keeps rearranging them. One has a nice texture, another goes inside the outer layer of the other. I'm on an air mattress too. I float to the shallows. There is a large house near by. I say that I'm really tired. I don't want to go to the "thing" tonight. "Maybe I'll go and take a nap and later we can go." She agrees. I go to the house. I'm in the kitchen and my cousin Darcy is upstairs. She screams and runs down to us. We go upstairs because we can't understand what she is telling us. She points to a bed covered with blankets and clothes. The electric blanket on top keeps sparking. She's frantic about that spark. "It will start a fire." I calm her down and she leaves. I look at the dresser against the wall behind the bed and it's covered with clothes, things. I sigh because it will take a lot of work to put it all in order and pack it. I start downstairs and an old woman, the landlady, is at the bottom coming up to see what all the fuss is about. I talk to her as I descend. Then I notice a few people sitting around and standing in my living room. Now it's a cocktail party. Everyone has name tags. A balding man stops me and introduces himself and says,"Hi." He knows Verna the librarian and he just wanted to say hi. He says something else but I don't hear it. I pretend I understand and nod hoping I made the right response. There are 3 or 4 couples on or near the couch. I go over there. A reddish-haired guy comes down the stairs playing detective. He's sleuthing for his birthday present. It is some family custom of my neighbors that are somehow in-law related to me. He finds a cardboard box with record albums in it, alphabetized with ABC indexes. He pulls one out and hands it to a woman, his mate. He says the name of it and shrugs and says, "I'd give it a 9." She's a little put out at him. What if the giver of the present were around. They'll have hurt feelings. His name is Gary. Then the other couple's cardboard boxes appear on their laps and they do it also. I am there but not a real part of the group.

1FKA, 1MSA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MOA, 1FKA, 1FKA

b

Barb Sanders

0116

1960-1997

1980-10-25

F

YA

I was in our house in M City. I was in bed in my bedroom. I was suddenly remembering that I had hidden some letters and papers I had written long ago. That could help me understand. They were hidden in the side corners of the mattress. Near the bed, I saw some old books from my childhood. I picked up "Little Women" and was glad to find it. Then I started ripping off a cloth rectangle "label" of the corner (side of the mattress). I felt in there. At first I thought, "This is silly. There won't be anything there." I felt mattress stuffing. In the background, I sensed my mother. Then I found a letter, then some more letters, pads, and paper. I was so happy I had hidden them a long ago, and now I had them and they would help me. Then I went down to the swimming pool in M City. I walked well, no limp. I marveled at my cure. Still had limp muscles but felt I could fix them with a few days of exercise. I went into the women's dressing room. I knew I was going to see Darryl. I changed, a 1 piece black swim suit. I looked down at myself. My body was 37 years, breasts were sagging, etc., but still looking pretty good. I stepped to the door and showered. Then I felt my old anxieties well up and constrict my throat. I felt frozen. Then I smelled the strong odor of "chloroform," no, "chlorophyll," no, chlorine. I realized that was what was doing it. It had triggered an old memory. Then I felt O.K. I went in and marveled at how the swimming pool had changed. It was Olympic size, with lots of ladders and things to play on. I got in, marveling that it was easy now, that I was cured. I swam toward the deep end, not in excellent form, but O.K. 2 men were there from my old high school days. 1 was an old friend, the other was Darryl. He saw me. I smiled. He recognized me. His teeth were blackened out, some of them. He had changed too. He came over to me and the old feelings were there. We played in the water. We'd go underwater, laying one on top of the other and kiss. It felt good. We'd come up for air and roll over to reverse positions. Then I saw that newborn babies were being brought to their parents to have a snack and enjoy a swim with them. 1, dark haired, dark eyes, stared at me and I at him. I thought, "Huh, how large their heads are." Then Darryl and I agree to meet after we get out of the swimming pool. I had by this time chosen to ignore this other guy. I "gave him up." Then I'm back in the shower room, feeling happy and excited about meeting Darryl. Some of the "girl" cliques start asking me questions. I reminisce with them. I tell them an amusing story about Darryl. They invite me to go to a party at a nice house. I think maybe I'll go. I don't like them, but they are the "in" crowd. I think maybe I'll bring Darryl along. Somehow this is slightly shocking and I laugh to myself because it's fun.

1FKA, 1MKA, 2FKA

HA D, AP D

b

Barb Sanders

0117

1960-1997

1980-10-29

F

YA

I was in the bathroom of a large department store, sitting on the toilet. It was crowded. People would peek in. There were two men in the lobby area by the sinks. A woman questioned them and they laughed. They were really women dressed like men. Then I saw George Hamilton, a star, come in. He came over to me and peeked in. I was a little embarrassed because my butt was showing. I got up and he wanted to hug me. That was O.K. He suggested we go to his hotel room to make love. I said, "No, I don't want to," because I wanted him to care for me, or be caring and then the sex would be good. He looks like, "Uh, oh. She wants to get married." and I said, "No, it doesn't mean we'll be together forever, just that when we're together, I want to feel close, cared for." He agreed and so I agreed to go to his room. At first, I just give in. I was kind of angry and then I really want to. We went to his hotel suite, many rooms. He's a big star and it was between performances. Then, he really began caring for me and he said, "Goodnight," and kissed me. He was going to take me home or let me go home. I say, "Hum, that's sweet, but I'd really like to stay." He was glad. We then heard other people in another room. Kids were using the communal kitchen from the other apartment. He had a round piano, very pretty, in his room. It was a small room. Then, there were lots of people around us and we were in a living room. He was then feeding a baby baby food and I had nothing to do. I wandered around aimlessly. I then said, "I can do that, let me." He didn't want me to do anything, because he cared for me. Then I had the bowl of baby food and I was feeding the baby, only then I realized I was feeding myself. I was a little embarrassed for being selfish. Then I went away. I then saw a bunch of Indian men. I went to them and said, "Did you know that Indian men are more useful and important than white women?" They were a little angry and then agree. I keep repeating that. Some women heard and also agree. Then I asked the Indian chief to teach me. He showed me an intricate way of holding a metal thing, like a wrench or a peace pipe. I didn't get it right and then I get it.

2JSA, 1FSA, 2JSA, 1MPA, 1IEC, 2MEA

AP D, AN D, AP D