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16 year old struggling with depression and drugs

Hey guys, I'm 16 years old and I have had alcohol a few times, and it used to be somewhat of a problem for me. When I was 15, I only had alcohol about once a month, but I always fantasized about it, and when I had it, I tried to have a lot. I was really really depressed back then, and I have tons of self-harm scars and a few suicide attempts. And now, I've gotten extremely depressed again. My ex-best friend really victimized herself and said terrible things to me, stuff like that our whole friendship was based on lies and that I've hurt her in ways that she couldn't imagine. This is due to lies that her abusive boyfriend had been feeding her, and he is a really bad person and talks trash about her so much and spills her secrets and doesn't have morals. I snapped when she was saying some really hurtful stuff to me and I told her everything her boyfriend did, which I think led to her saying those even more mean things to me. She ended up basically blocking me on everything. I went to a party yesterday and she was there and I felt so disconnected and lonely, and I vaped for the first time in a while, and there was a box cutter and I went to the bathroom to cut myself and I just felt so much better. I've also been fantasizing about alcohol so that I could stop feeling. i have tons of goals for college and life, and I don't want to sound stuck up but I have pretty good chances at a top 10 college if I keep what I have going. But this has really clouded me, that someone who knew so much about me just rejected me like that and treated me like that and I just want to stop feeling. Does anybody have any advice? P.S.: I promise that I won't be pming anyone to stop me from harming myself or anything like that. I would really appreciate real, actionable steps that can help me just forget about this situation and go back to working hard. For example, I've heard that meditation could be really beneficial, and has anyone here tried it?

Desperately need support

I've been struggling with mood and motivation problems for a long time but now this has been flowing over in back and joint problems, fatigue and some small signs of inflammation. My heads talking, dreaming and analyzing all the time, my memory and focus are down and just don't know what to do anymore. Some days all I can do is lay in bed and be anxious, other days I'm full of energy and (over) enthusiasm with bad some nights rest as a result. I've took my walks in nature, tried meditation for a long time, went to the spa and went to the gym. The gym helped me getting motivated, but later on gave me sleep, focus and fatigue problems. My heads full of memory's, hints and it's all just like one big spiderweb. Meditation helped me with the sleep and focus problems, but I couldn't get to the core and discover what I really want. I'm an epileptic and have PTSD and already have memory issues due to the epilepsy, so when I'm at the psych I forget a lot of stuff and/or forget to react to what the psych just said so I can complete the story. This has been going on for more than 2 years now and it's wrecking my life apart. I'm in physical pain, talk gibberish to others, I'm hallucinating, I'm more insecure than ever, talking to myself, have pushed all my friends and fun things aside thinking about death and suicide a lot, and already have solid plans for it and I'm am afraid that my body is just breaking itself down somehow so there is no other way out than suicide. It's like a never ending circle and I want to get out as fast as possible. Any advice, tips, things I could do to make things better or just someone who wants to chat and lend a hand; please be my guest, you're more than welcome.

I think I hate myself

Sometimes I just do things to destruct my future self for no reason and I can't stop. For example I lie when it's totally unnecessary and stupid, so that I later have to admit it or make up excuses, which is so uncomfortable. I also have a weird eating disorder so I overeat and don't stop even if it hurts and a few days after, I stop eating to kind of keep my body shape, because I'm really insecure about that. I hate it but I won't ever change.

I think I need help.(Long)(references self harm)

I’m not one to usually ask for help, im a high schooler now and for most of my life I’ve been a ‘suffer in silence’ person. However, a couple years ago, towards the end of 7th grade, I sort of began to withdraw myself from friends and family, and I basically started writing a journal in which I very heavily contemplated self harm/suicide. My parents found this and set me up with a counselor, who thinks I have major/clinical depression. She recommended I go to the doctor for very mild antidepressants, because she thought those could help. My doctor, though, didn’t prescribe them. It feels like no one takes it seriously when I do talk about this? I did begin smoking weed in about 8th grade to help cope, but have began smoking a lot less once I did meet counseling. I should note that it did feel better over the summer between 7th and 8th grade, but hit full swing in 8th. I’m in 9th now (still feelin it), but my friends just sort of brush it off when I mention the possibility of self harm/sadness. I’m not really sure what to do with myself to be honest because no one seems to care, school counselors just told me to join clubs and no one really tries to help. People say ‘I hope it gets better, dude!’ But it always seems fake. Could I get some advice please??

Always late for work

I’ve been consistently late for work by about 15 minutes the past couple of weeks. My boss has noticed and asked if I’m happy in my current position. I told him I was fine and would do better to be on time. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed. Every morning is a challenge, and by running late it snowballs into a stressful and triggering day. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. How do you force yourself to get out of bed? How do you deal with tardiness?

Depression, anxiety and panic disorder(IBS as a bonus), dont know for how long i can take this shit.

So i am 22, been anxious and depressed for many years but somehow managed to survive school, but after 11 months of working IBS hit me hard. Had to stop working because i just couldnt leave the house. That was almost 2 years ago, now i still cant leave house without taking good amount of benzos, i am non stop depressed and anxious and thanks to the IBS i have developed a panic disorder. I have tried everything that doctors could think of for the IBS itself but no luck. And for the mental problems, i have tried taking three types of SSRIs, SNRI, TCA and antipsychotics(in special dose to act like antianxiety meds) and every one of them made me feel worse, one of them totaly broke me for two weeks. Tried therapy for months. And have been hospitalized for 10 days at psychiatric unit and left because i felt much worse there. So i thought i just need more time to fight this, so i tried get money from the state's safety net (for living with disability). They acknowledged that i can't function and can't have social life but told me that i can work just fine, so big fuck you to my face (34% of income taxes really pays off...). Now i got work that i can do from home but cant really do it, i have no motivation, no joy from learning it or finishing a project only stress from the huge struggle (and probably going to lose the job in a few days). I just dont know what to do, feeling worse than ever, going to be jobless. Should i try another antidepressants even thought i am scared because of the previous bad side effects? I am really desperate. Any advice is really appreciated.

The fact of I can't marry my girlfriend is killing me.

I live in Brazil, if you don't know, it's too hard to get a decent job here. The most of the opportunities is shit. The good jobs are very disputed, and I don't have the basis education to enter the competition, even I am being graduated. The more wealthy people always takes the jobs. I just want to have a good job to afford my family. Why is it so hard? I don't know what to do. I never wanted to be rich, I just want to be independent. When I start to think about that, I get really sad and it's make me don't believe in the future. I don't wanna get sick, because I'm feeling I will. So what's your advice?

Don’t have the energy

Haven’t had water for the past 5 days here at the house and I really don’t think I could care less. I barely can keep up with basic human shit. I don’t drink water, I get by with a couple cups of pop a day. It’s my one vice. I don’t eat hardly anything yet I’m still fat and not in the nice places, like I practically have the ugliest female body you can imagine. No the fat didn’t go to my boobs. My boobs look like man boobs, saggy, yet very small. No I’m not exaggerating. Huge stomach, I am genuinely surprised I haven’t been mistaken for being pregnant yet. It’s more than my looks I guess just going on a tangent but I hate it. I can’t get a job, I’ve practically given up on that too. I’m literally a fucking leech on this planet, parasite of a human. I’m not suicidal so that’s good, too much of a wimp I think. But I can’t imagine my complete lack of self care is great. I mean I haven’t showered in probably two weeks or more. Yeah I’m fucking gross and disgusting have at it. Oh and yeah I live with my mom and my mom basically helps keep me alive. If it weren’t for her I honestly don’t know. So yeah I’m not suicidal but I do think I’d be better of dead sometimes. Huge burden off my mom, burden off my dad for him not having to worry about me because I’m depressed and isolated. Less burden off my brother for worrying about my safety. I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 years. I’m so isolated, I don’t see anyone other than my mom, and I barely see her. I’m all alone in my room all the time. I don’t know what to do.

Scared of starting antidepressants

I'm a 22 year old guy Currently in college studying economics, in my 5th year. I struggle with depression, GAD and minor OCD. I have major issues with motivation. Most of the time, especially when I'm stressed out the most, I lack any motivation whatsoever. There are a couple fields that interest me, but the college experience has been very stressful for me altogether. However, I'm not motivated to do anything. Starting a new degree doesn't motivate me because I'm not passionate about anything in particular, except for statistics, and my degree is the best to undertake a specialization in that which I want to do. Very often, if not almost everyday, it's hard to get up from bed. It's hard to eat. It's hard not to cry. I have the full support from my parents, I have friends, I don't struggle financially yet I'm profoundly unhappy. I hate myself as well. I have suicidal ideation very often. I'm scripted benzos but I want to drop them for antidepressants. Benzos make my anxiety better and make me motivated and cheerful; but they're not something designed for long term use. So I want to ask my doctor for an antidepressant script, since he is a very kind and understanding guy and I'm sure he'd script me what he thinks is best; however I'm profoundly scared of side effects. I have more exams in one month and I'm scared to be hit by side effects during them and that they might make it even worse. Idk if it's irrational. But that's my thought process. Thanks to anyone reading this.

I need help

Ive always been the one to make a joke or help someone, but behind the mask, im the one needing it. I didnt want to do this but as I have thought more and more ive realised how much i needed to Im 15, had to grow up quicker than anyone i know, never even had contact with my dad and my mum has a disability. Yesterday she was told it is urgent for her to get scans as the doctors believe she may have bowel cancer. This broke me and has taken nearly two days to even hit me. I just dont know where to turn and who to talk to as i have always been that person others talk to and get help from I have been having bad days as it is (probably hormones) the last week and i just want to know if anyone will help me or just talk to me, thank you

I don’t want to feel depressed anymore

I’ve been depressed for 8 years now, and long story short it’s really been getting the best of me these past 3 months. I don’t know why it’s all crashing down now. I’m tired of feeling like this, I say I want to die but in reality I just want to escape. I finally want to be better. I just don’t know how. Therapy doesn’t seem to help, and I’m willing to try anything to feel better. Every time I get to a good place mentally, something happens and I’m back to square one. I’m a mess I guess and just need help to get beyond this

Requesting Depression "Mentor" or "Sponsor"

Would anyone be interested in being a “depression mentor” or “depression sponsor” for my boyfriend? Or at least talking to him about your situation and his? He’s been depressed for about 10 years now and speaks often about how he’s hit rock bottom, he feels alone, that no one understands what he’s going through. He expresses the wish to know someone who is like him but has overcome this diagnosis or learned to live with it in a healthy way. Happy to provide some more details in a dm.

Im done with it all

Before I get into the rest, I don't want to worry you. This isn't a suicide note or anything like that. I'm not killing myself. I'm just done. Done with everything. I'm done with my hobbies. I'm done with my study. I'm done with people. But most of all I'm done with myself. Everything good in my life is ruined the second it enters my mind. Everything good I have or own is just another thing I hate myself for. Every negative thing about me feels amplified 10x over. I feel sick to my head and body in utter gloom. I am so tired that even though the mask I wear each day to hide my actual feelings, it still shines through. I don't necessarily want to die. I want this feeling to go away. Its been here for over 9 years but the last 3 weeks have been the most physically demanding yet. I've been in darker places mentally. But this is the first time I've been bedbound till at least 12-1 pm for 3 weeks straight.

I don't wanna feel like this anymore and I'm too broke to be depressed.

This is my first time telling anyone about this so excuse me as I'm rambling. And please don't say anything like "Thank you for saying this and taking a big step." That really makes me feel worse about myself. Honestly I'm getting really sick of feeling sad and angry all the time and when I'm sad I couldn't stop crying and I couldnt control my tears which is pretty bad in Singapore (where I'm living) where general people will isolate you when you show any signs of mental health issues. And I couldn't make any friends here because of my nationality and all the prejudice I get just by being myself has been repeating itself in my mind every day. Not only that but also workplace bullying has led me to be even closed off and led me to not be able to leave the house because I felt as soon as I step out of house people will judge and isolate me which make me feels like there is no point of going out anymore. I know "iTzzZ NooO BiGG DeALzzZ, all the teenage girls hv this once in their lives." (From the two psychiatrists I've visited and I'm 26F) but I really wish I could move pass all these experiences and how it makes me feel all the time but I couldn't manage to find a therapist who I can trust and is empathetic. And I couldn't afford it regularly since I'm couldnt force myself to work for the past 8 months. I hv tried getting help from public services here but the experiences was truly horrible and it has made my condition even worse. I've been reading books hoping I could find an answer but that doesn't really work and it couldn't calm me down. I really need help to get out of this 'cause I don't wanna keep spiral into this again and again. Thanks in advance!

Are depression and anhedonia part of getting older?

Most of my post pubescent life I have dealt with depression, but it's only gotten more frequent and more extreme as I've gotten older. Lately I've been experiencing total anhedonia, where my favorite game, movie, music don't make me feel anything at all. Hanging out with friends is almost exhausting, and I have to fake being positive and laughing, etc. Is this just part of growing up? Is it time to finally start devoting my time to purely practical things? Joy is just for children and young adults? I'm 25 years old, btw.

Cheated on my girlfriend by dating a girl I met online playing games

This all happened while I was still dating my girlfriend while she was away for an internship. So I met a nice girl online playing a game almost like 2 months ago and the vibes between us are good. I confessed to her and wr started dating online. The only problem is that she seems to suffer from depression and im trying to help her, sometimes staying really late or not sleeping just to keep her company, playing games with her, shes really beautiful. She's from another country not far from here, and I want to meet her. My girlfriend came back recently and found out about that I was texting and dating another girl. I dumped my girlfriend inmediately after this. I feel really sorry for her. From time to time I still miss her, last week I had been trying to contact her to make it up but she ghosted me. I miss the intimacy with her. I tried with another number but she's not picking up my calls nor answering. What should I do?, any kind of advice would be appreciated.

I really want to die, but feel like I can't say it.

So I've been suicidal for 7-8 years, have a plan, have access to the plans mean of suicide but every-time I mention it the cops/ambulance are called. I take 30mg Diazepam +180mg pregabalin +12mg buprenorphrine / day. Only the buprenorphine is on a script, the others were prescribed but cut-off about 4 years ago, since then I've been using the darknet for the diazepam and pregabalin. It is proper medication sourced from spain, with leaflets everything (I even sent some samples to Energy Control and they came back fine, 100% what it says on the box). Right now, my GP, my drug-worker, my psych are all aware of this (me buying illegally from the darknet and giving zero shits) but I mentioned I'm feeling suicidal to my drug-worker (pretty much as always), and a CRISIS team was told about it. They called and setup an appointment that I went to today. My worries are that in the past, ambulance/police teams have turned up to my house and take all my illegal diaz/pregabs (I have no ill-will towards the cops, they have to). But it forces me through a 72+hour withdrawal until I can place another order and see the psych team who just ask; "Are you suicidal?, are you going to kill youself today? No? Okay you can go". So now I'm feeling like I shouldn't tell anyone, thoughts?

Depression and Anxiety firing up and causing me to feel like I might have a panic attack.

So this may just be the anxiety firing up and causing me to stress and panic. I've had trouble in the past with lonliness, both my parents have kicked me out (Because of me wanting a better job), and I've had friends in the past all of a sudden drop me or stop talking to me frequently, this left me feeling alone quite alot of the time and causing me to worry about upsetting any friends I do make. I managed to make about 3 friends that I talked to regularly, one of those friends started being really horrible, majority of the time to me and I started to get fed up of it. I called him out on it and this has resulted in me and that guy (Call him Ed) not being friends, however we'd end up in the same rooms chatting on discord because of me being friends with the two other friends, A and B, and Ed joining occasionally. Well recently Ed and B have started chatting more and more often and A and me talking more, however in recent rooms, me and Ed have started arguing because of the way he still tries to treat me, B has recently started acting slightly more like Ed as well, which is causing me concern and ended up with me and B having a small argument earlier today. My anxiety is spiking however because, B is talking less and less to me, and now A has started to disappear a bit more, I worry that I will end up lonely again, without anyone to talk to, as it took me over a year to make these friends after the last group of friends I had all left in one big hit. I bring all this up because the last time I ended up feeling like this and lost everyone I considered a friend, I nearly hurt myself quite badly... And I worry about doing that again.

Loneliness is taking over me

I never realized how much I rely on having human contact and connection. I recently went through my first heartbreak and I lost a best friend and I’m losing my other friend. I feel like neither of them cared about me as much as I cared about them. I feel like everybody has somebody that loves them back and for some reason that makes me feel worse. I feel like I give my heart entirely to people and it hurts so badly when it’s not reciprocated in the end. I know that’s selfish of me but I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I feel so alone and all I wish I could have was a genuine human connection. It doesn’t have to be romantic. Just to have someone be there and not leave me. My depression is coming back and the negative thoughts are even worse than before. For the first time I’ve really thought about giving up on life because I feel so useless and not good enough. I have one friend left but I’m afraid to rely on someone to make me happy. I know it isn’t fair. We talked and he made me feel better but when we don’t talk the emotions come back. How can I be happy with being alone. I don’t know what to do. I just want to feel hope and happy with myself. All I do is sleep because the days are too painful to live through.

Ghosted by Son and His Mom

I've been dealing really well with depression for awhile. Mostly just some hard spikes up in depression where it's a few hours of intense depression and anxiety. But this has got me in the numb, why bother zone, which I feel is the most dangerous because it can last for so long. My son (late teens) and I had a pretty good relationship as far as I could tell, and for being half a country apart. We chatted online almost every day, and sometimes game online. It's his preferred way of communicating. We had a great time together this summer. He stopped responding about 3 weeks ago. I texted him and he politely said the equivalent of, "I need some space for about a week, just working something out." I respect that and I let him know that. I asked his mom if it was something I should worry about or if there's anything I can do to help. She responded that it's teenager stuff and he's not in danger. (Son lives with depression and anxiety too.) So I give space. 2 weeks go by. I message him just to check in and let him know I love him. Nothing. Then a message about his upcoming psychologist appointment. I say that it's scary to me that he needs to see a psychologist, but I don't know anything about what's going on. No response. I e-mail his mom, we mostly talk Christmas gifts but no answers about how our son is doing. It's been over 3 weeks now. I e-mailed his mom again a couple days ago. No response. I'm worried for him. She has left me uninformed about very important things about our son before. This is extremely unusual for him, especially for this time of year. We're usually chatting about Christmas stuff. I feel like throwing up. I'm very worried for him. Maybe he is ok. Maybe this is just what happens. I understood the day could come when he goes off on his own and I'm an occasional thought and memory. That's what I could get for living so far away since he was a toddler. (Whole other story why that happened that I'm not going to get into.) I'm not ready for it to be today. Especially knowing that something was wrong enough for him to go see a psychologist. I don't know what to do or think about this. Any advice? I'm very much in the 'don't want to wake up tomorrow' space, but also want to be here in case he needs me.

Boyfriend doesn’t understand my mental illness...

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and my depression has flared up and usually does when I am on my period. The issue is that my boyfriend doesn’t believe in therapy and doesn’t see it as an issue but my “behavior” is affecting our relationship. As much as I try to explain that I can’t control it, that I am handling it, and that I would appreciate his support, he doesn’t know how to support me and becomes distant when I try and open up to him about it. How do I try to help him understand what is happening and how to best explain my symptoms and what I need from him? Or is this just something that I can’t talk about with him and is there a way that I can establish a code word when I start to feel bad so that I can have my space when I feel this way (even though I would really appreciate his support when I feel like this)?

I’m feeling very low energy and demotivated after about a month with Lexapro, spending most of the time in bed. I need help.

I started taking Lexapro 5 weeks ago at 5mg/day for situational or reactionary depression which isn’t a major clinical depression according to my doctor. I had the initial side effects as predicted like sleepiness and vivid dreams, etc. which resolved in a couple of weeks as well as all the negative feelings and dark moods of loneliness etc. plus the anxiety and feeling overwhelmed which have mostly gone, however I’ve been feeling extremely unmotivated and low that I’m barely making it to work and the rest of the time I’m in bed. My sleep was also quite bad feeling unrested in the mornings. Normally I drink one coffee and one tea a day but recently I’ve been taking triple shot espressos and I’m not feeling any difference. My sugar and carb consumption has also increased. Last Monday when I had my follow up with the doctor he decided to increase the dose to 10mg/day. I’ve been on 10mg/day for almost a week now and probably my sleep quality has improved a little bit but still very very unmotivated and low. I’m going through upsetting phases with my family which doesn’t help and while I had managed to keep my life under control for a while, things have got out of hand again and my room is a total mess. I’ve been pushing myself to get things done but I’m making no progress. There’s barely any space in the room to walk. My next follow up is on Friday but I don’t want to stay miserable till then. Please help. :(

I've all but given up on this life

I'm only 19. I understand that if I get through this there will be so much life to be had, but things are starting to look bleak. My best friend/girlfriend is dying. She has Ehlos Danlers Syndrome, arrhythmia, and those are both being made worse by the fact that she's developed anorexia nervosa. She's withering away and it's killing me. I haven't gotten out of bed for anything other than work for a half a week. I've been severely depressed my entire life, but this is the first time that I've wanted to kill myself. Not that I want to not exist, but I fully want to kill myself. I need help.

I hate winter

My therapist and I even had a 15 minute discussion about how winter is just awful. Now I don't mind looking at snow. The visual aesthetics are absolutely appealing. A white Christmas is great. I like chucking a snowball at my boyfriend. And hot chocolate is my favorite. However, why is it so fucking dark? Sunset at 5? Are you kidding me? I'm exhausted, time confused, miss the sun, and I swear to God if it rains again at 40 degrees, I'm hibernating for the rest of the year. I hate driving in the dark. I have to go outside to get to the basement to do my laundry, which thanks to last night's snow, means going through an inch and half of snow, on top of cold mud, into a rocky cold basement at the bottom of some rickety ice covered steps, just to put something in the washing machine. We have multiple cats, so I have to dump cat boxes daily, which makes a daily run to the trashcan, now in the dark. Driving in the dark. I hate how dark it is. I hate that it looks like midnight at 6 pm. It's just absurd. How do you all survive winter without living in a cocoon of blankets on the bed? Side note, yes I am aware of S.A.D.S, but I have no medically confirmed diagnosis of it currently, though it's possible. Confirmed major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. TLDR: HOW DO I KEEP SANE IN WINTER??

27, F, single, scared

Hi all, I'm a single 27 year old who is terrified about being single forever. I find it hard to connect with people or to find people to be attracted to. I've only ever had feelings for 3 people since I was 17, I've only ever had one relationship which lasted 6 months a few years ago. I have severe depression and other mental health issues, so my feelings are quite bleh in general and I'm basically asexual/have no libido for the last 6 years over something that happened that's too complicated to explain here. I feel weirdly repulsed when a guy is into me because I'm never into them. I'm not trying to be shallow, I just dont find them attractive usually, which brings me guilt and self loathing. I'm told a lot that I'm beautiful (I dont see it) but I just cant seem to reciprocate those feelings. I do get a lot of male attention but I never seem to run into people that I want to be with. Am I destined to be alone? On top of this, I'm a newly Christian woman who can only date fellow Christians now and I live in a small city with limited options. I feel awful every day as I worry that God's will for me i to be alone. I have so many things going against me. On top of this, my depression sucked out any trace of maternal instinct I had and I dont even want babies anymore, which was a dream of mine. ​ I have nothing and I'm worried that I always will have nothing. Is there any positive stories out there that are like mine? I feel so alone

I've been alone for so long I think I'm losing communication skills

My parents make going out and having fun really difficult especially my step dad who constantly tracks my phone location and my bank information. He makes sure to mention every time I withdraw my own hard earned money from my account making me subconsciously feel wrong just for using my own money. Same thing with going out with my friends, he makes me feel wrong for wanting to have fun, instead he just cares about me working my youth away as a slave for someone else just for this fucking money that I hate so dearly. It's been like this for me basically forever, I've constantly had elders over me telling me what I should do, what I shouldn't do, things I must seek out, thinks I can't touch with a 10 foot pole etc. and I'm sick and fucking tired of it. At no point in my short life have I personally be able to make my own choices or decisions and now that that's been my life when it actually comes to me personally making decisions for myself I don't know how to. It feels like I need someone with me at all times to help me make decisions because I've never had the opportunity for myself to make decisions, someone else always was "more obligated" to make decisions for me instead of myself and now I'm a complete wreck in life because of it. I think this method of raising me plus child abuse is why I just feel so isolated in this reality now. But now I think all this loneliness in my life is finally starting to add up and take its toll on me. In school from elementary until I hit puberty at around 7th-8th grade I was a goofy class clown fun person who had no problem making people laugh and brighten up the whole room. But when my hair started thinning around 9th grade I started to get significantly more and more shy and more depressed and withdrawn from other people out of fear of being judged for being "weird" or "awkward" eventually this fear caught up with me my junior and senior years of high school where every single person I'd have ever interacted with would judge my appearance or my hair because of how poorly it looked. I felt like I resembled a corpse because of how dead inside I really started to become, and even became more and more obsessed with death and wanting to be dead. Now that I've been shy and lonely for so long when I actually try to talk to people I have a hard time forming the appropriate sentence to match what the person had said to me. Or I might form the sentence awkwardly making my point much harder to come across to them. I feel like I have to stop and really put together a sentence in my head before I can say it or else it'll just not make any sense when the person I'm talking to finally hears my response. Or I'll hesitate while talking and then it'll mess up the flow of what I was talking about and I can't piece back together the sentence I was trying to say. I've slowly became more and more self aware at how many times I've had to just completely scrape a sentence midway through because of this hesitation while trying to speak, people probably think I'm crazy by now. I have nothing interesting to tell people either so when I'm at work and the person who's talking to me shares a story about them that happened recently I feel like I'm not given back to the conversation because I have no story at all other than depressing stories to share in the conversation, so 9/10 times I'm simply forced to only comment about their story instead of sharing my own stories. Otherwise I don't talk at all, not unless someone else starts up a conversation with me. I kinda don't even like talking to people anymore because it just feels like it's getting really difficult to make a conversion work when I'm a part of it. Only being able to reply to their experiences instead of giving them insight on my own personal experiences. I also have a extremely difficult time looking people in their eyes for more than a second, maintaining eye contact just feels really uncomfortable. I feel so much pressure from other people too, like if I drop something I instantly feel like everyone is watching me as I pick it back up. Or when I was in school literally just standing up to turn my paper in made me feel like people would judge me for my appearance or how I walked or whatever. Being in the presence of anyone makes my life significantly more difficult, like I have to play a role in front of them so I can't be judged for being myself.

Sertraline

Hey all, So, I've recently bit the bullet and taken steps to finally sort my mental health out. I went to the GP and have been prescribed 50mg of Sertraline, I'm on day two and Jeeez I'm zapped, I feel mentally calm and my mind is much quieter however I have no energy. I just tried to go to the gym and couldn't last, other than that no side effects - Yawning like crazy though! What's everyone else's experience with Sertraline as I see so much conflicting information? Hope everyone is having a good day :)

I'm really depressed and gonnad kill myself

because reddit welcome sucks and that you have no help when you begin. the only thing you can try is to post something in a channel that will be automatically removed because you doesn't have enough reputation or karma stuff I don't know . then you end up with the chat room full of bot explaining you that if you are depressed and that you wnat to kill yourself you can post on this channel. That's what I'm doing

I don't have any motivation, and now I'm screwed

I have no motivation or energy I've been increasingly losing motivation and energy to do anything over the last couple years, but it's gotten much worse over the past 6 or 7 months. It clicked about a week ago that I may have depression. I'm currently a junior in high school, and I was considered one of the smartest and hard working kids in elementary and middle school. I have big plans for the future and know exactly what I want to do and how I'm going to get there, but I have no energy to actually do anything. I've completely screwed arguably the most important year in high school. I've barely done any extra clubs or activities after school, my grades have been slipping, and now I'm stuck trying to catch up on work. But the closer I get to the end of this week trying to get everything turned in, the less motivation I have and the more stressed out I get. I'm not necessarily sad, I just have zero energy. I don't even have energy to get on my phone or play a game for more than 30 minutes at a time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm just trying to get motivation for the rest of the week, and I'm seeing a therapist on Thursday.

New illness diagnosis is ruining my life

I have a lot of deadlines coming up this week which have made me anxious every day for almost 2 weeks now. The anxiety has made my physical illness flair up to the point where I have to miss school, I can’t eat, sleep, or be productive. I’m so so sad because of this. It happened all at once and I don’t know how to manage it. I’ve been crying almost every day because I miss when I felt better. The physical illness is new (diagnosed in March) and it’s extremely overwhelming. It makes me feel hopeless every day. Some people get better and some people get worse. Idk if I believe I can get better, but I want to. It’s just so hard for me to envision living the rest of my life suffering like this. My therapist who I’ve been seeing for 2 years is now taking 6 months off. I’ve tried to find a new therapist but they either aren’t taking new patients or don’t even respond to my phone calls. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do.

I am sad, alone and scared.

I’ve never been properly diagnosed with depression but I am currently feeling very depressed. A few years ago when I was younger & my parents were going through a divorce I was severely miserable, would have large bouts of anxiety & often contemplated ending my life. It was a sad time in my life but I am glad to say that I got through it and have been doing great for the most part and have hardly felt anxious since. However recently I have been feeling really down & depressed. All I want to do is sleep and I eat because I am sad and bored, and then I become sad because I eat too much. I have gained weight and am so insecure. I have been skipping my uni classes because I have no friends there and my degree is hard and it all makes me so sad. With all my friends heading in different directions I just feel so alone. I think my family have noticed and say things that are kind of cruel, but I know they mean well. They think I have obsessive compulsive tendencies because I tend to pick at my face often & struggle to stop. I just don’t want to let anyone down & I am afraid to take the steps to become better because I know it will disappoint my family if I decide to leave uni for example. But most importantly I’m scared of going back to how I was years ago, I never want to feel that way again. I’ve never reached out for professional help either and don’t have the money for therapy. Part of me would feel also ashamed in a way if I got professional help. I hate the idea that something may actually be wrong with me, and I hate the idea of having to take meds. I just feel so lost and conflicted. I feel like I know what I need to do but it’s so hard to do it and remain consistent. If anyone has any advice at all it would greatly appreciated. Also, thank you if you read through it all.

Feel that everything's about to crash down and it'll be too late

My personality is extremely competitive, and I kill myself to be the best at every single little thing. Even in volunteer organizations I get angry when I am not the best at a task or if there's someone else other than me doing it. On top of that I am extremely guarded/reserved. I hate most fun/social activities and can only talk if I consider it to be a talk about productivity- not small talk. People think I am arrogant due to this, and I am struggling to make any solid friendships. I am going on sudden mood swings lately when I feel I am not in charge of a situation/task and feel ostracized. These mood swings are becoming depressive now, and I really can't figure out the source of this.

I don’t think anyone cares about me

I apologize if this doesn’t fit the sub. Anyway, I feel like nobody cares a about me. I recently got ghosted from my first relationship. Which fucking hurts. Everything seemed fine, and she always made me feel so good about myself. Now she’s gone, i don’t think there’s a single person other than parents that actually care for me. I have friends, but I’ve been the punching bag or tool of every friend group I’ve been in. Nobody I know will go slightly out of there way to help me. My sister acts nice to me around her bf, but otherwise she treats me like everyone else treats me. I feel lost. I don’t know what to do anymore. Help?

Can't express emotions.

As a kid I used to be very talkative and normal I guess. As I grew up I just got very emotionally closed off. Like I have this terrible habit of bottling everything in and not even showing expressions. This lack of emotional display really damaged me. It makes me look so unapprochable and boring. I am about to graduate so we do things like mock interviews, and this lack of expression/emotions had been pointed out by my teachers too. Help me how to overcome this and act like a human and not a zombie.

Who contacts first?

So my crush who I had a thing with for over a year, I guess kinda an ex. broke things off saying they weren’t interested and needed time for themselves. Basic stuff. Now idk if it was their really bad depression that pushed me away or them genuinely losing interest. Either way we talked for a bit after, then I started kind of going no contact... I’m wondering if that was maybe a bad idea. I mean I figure if they cared they would reach out? But if they’re really depressed, even if they missed me or whatever would they take the no contact as rejection or that I’m not interested and not say anything at all? Long term I’d like to date them, I mean we kind of basically did before... so I’m not interested in being friend zoned, but I also don’t want to hurt them. People say “just be honest” to them and tell them how you feel etc. and I get that but A. Pouring out your feelings isn’t attractive if they’ve lost interest B. Isn’t productive if the goal is to get back together imo. Idk, any thoughts? I care about her so much, we had a good thing, and when it ended it was on friendly terms

Spiraling out of control

I can confidently say this is the hardest my depression has hit me in the 10 years I’ve been struggling. I find myself so angry, lashing out at people who love me and just destroying everyone in my path. I just wish I could have a second chance at this. I am super hard on myself and cannot seem to control the negative self talk. I beat myself up over everything, especially not being able to control my emotions. I’ve seen so many mental health professionals that I just get tired of telling my story over and over again. Committing myself to therapy or standing psych appointments seems more exhausting than suffering alone. I don’t know what advice I’m exactly looking for, so please forgive me if this is all over the place. I’m just desperate. I’m thinking ending my life, but I’m definitely too much of a coward to carry it out. Any input or kind words are welcomed. Thank you 🖤

Has anyone tried brain stimulation therapy?

Sorry if this has been asked before; I can't seem to find many people talking about their own experience. I saw an ad for it in my psychiatrist's office and don't know how to feel. I've been on medication since I was 14 and it all seems to wear off eventually, leaving me back where I started, so the idea of treatment for people whose depression is medication-resistant sounds helpful. Anyone able to tell me their experience? Did it help? Do you like how it felt? Do you feel it lasts?

I can't breath

Since my mom died two years ago, I've felt like I'm drowning, my anxiety has been getting worse because I feel so alone, and the I go to school and feel so trapped. I feel like everyone expects me to be fine, to have moved on but I still can't breath. Some days her loss hits me so hard I feel like I'm going to die. I don't know how to function, how to live without her. My father is no help. He has a new girlfriend, he barely remembers that I exist. My friends couldn't handle my depression and abandoned me. Everyone else has moved on, but I can't. I can't do this without her. She was everything I had and I don't know what to do. What's wrong with me? Some days I sit by the door and wait for her to get home, only to remember that she's not coming. I can't do this alone. What do I do?

Post-divorce depression

Hi I’m 38 and male. I had a divorce 6 months ago. The divorce was not my choice , but relatively friendly , I don’t see the point of staying with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. But in a way that made it even worse .. because it just feels like she gave up on our relationship. Since then I’ve gotten more and more depressed. I’m originally from Costa Rica , but studied and worked in the US where I was very successful . When I was 32 I decided to move back because I wanted to start a family in a place with more permanence and better work-life balance. In order to do that I took a very big paycut and work at a job that isn’t really that challenging for me. Everything made sense when I was getting married , but now I’m divorced, we didn’t have kids ( a big part of the break-up despite no medical reason for it , and both of us trying ) , and I feel like a professional failure when I compare myself to my friends and family who continued their career path. I’m turning 40 in a year and a half and I just feel like I wasted all my 30s. I’m having a really hard time planning for the future , I just don’t have any goals anymore and feel like I can’t get excited for anything . If I think about things objectively I know I have options . I can try to change jobs maybe get a second masters and get a two year work visa to the US or Europe to get back into the workforce . But I have no energy or motivation , maybe I’m just afraid of trying and failing again. Part of me just wants to give - up. Don’t know what to do , I feel stuck .

How to be stronger

I hate myself so much, I break down crying randomly whenever I try to do anything, for example: I keep trying to exercise at home as that was the thing that kept me from feeling like shit but every time I try I feel useless, like it’s pointless. As if I’ll never change at all. I hate everything about myself, I have no redeeming qualities and I feel as if I’m a failure to this world and that I’m destined to die simply because of natural selection. I have little to no friends and I act like an arsehole but one that can’t even throw a punch. I keep hurting myself by cutting my hands, arms and by constantly hitting myself and punching things. I don’t know how to change and grow or how to cope.

Randomly breaking down

I randomly break down and cry without warning. Previously, it didn’t happen often; and when it does, I was would be able to control it for a bit till I find myself hidden from people’s eye. I.e: toilet, server room etc Recently, its like I control it anymore. The only thing i am able to do, is cover my face with my palms when that happens. I am m/27 and Im a working professional. Like I wear formal to work on a daily basis. I really dont want people to see me breaking down. Do anyone experience similar? How do you hope with it ?

Hello, I’d like some help if it’s possible

I’ve been probably depressed for about 3-4 years now but recently I’ve felt numbness and right now I don’t know if I’m feelinf anxiety but I feel hopeless and almost like a physical pain, I don’t know what it is and I just feel like I need a day to myself I don’t know I’ve never been comfortable talking to people about myself, I’ve went to therapy once but it sucked, I don’t know how to get my feelings through to my words, I feel like there is so much trapped inside but my girlfriend of almost 18 months gets mad at me because I don’t tell her anything and I suck at it anyway to help me get everything out and have a sense of relief? I can go into way more detail in a pm it’s happened because of personal problems

I want to be happy

I’ve bern depressed for almost a decade now. I feel like my life is going nowhere, I always feel like shit, my mind is filled with negative thoughts all the time. I feel like naturally i’m a happy go lucky, hard working, fun, logical woman. I’ve been like that before, and people tell me I am. But my depression makes me feel lazy, unmotivated, grouchy etc. I see a therapist, it helped at first now it doesn’t. I refuse to go on medication for a lot of reasons... so how else do I become better??? I feel like i’m at the end of the road here and i read recently that depression never goes away, you just learn to deal with it. so now I feel even more hopeless. Any tips or advice are appreciated.

Sigh so...frustrated. and Angry since yesterday night

Sigh so...frustrated. and Angry since yesterday night. My nutbar Aunt and her husband were in town. She wanted to treatme to rise of skywalker. Me being me said coolness! (at first) but decided better part of something to say...except I've seen it before and it was meh. Would love to go see Jumanji (next level) which lead her \[it felt like\] to start over thinkinking. What's that movie? Who's the Rock? Oh Him!...There's two? I thought they made only one? Something about video game esk movies being a product for addhd melenials with apreciation for the art of a good movie. Even though she loves the original StarWars...and how about this depressing movie instead? (no) Gosh you're such a pill! I guess I made the mistake of comenting how I just like sometypes of movies but not others. I like uplifting ones, and also like funny ones. Just didn't want to see Knives out, or a nature documentary--which did look excelent, just not in the mood to see it. That lead to "fun" drama. about being picky (????) and now it's made things hard for her to treat me to movies and gosh she thought it'd be fun etc. But as a back up plan she happened to have some cardgames. Meenwhile Oh. My. God. Both my parents and her taking turns tag teaming how really need to get off cymbalta because it's becoming netorius for adding weight. and how my therapist is so evil, and by the way so is big pharma. Dad being him wanted to rant (loudly) about 45, with Aunts husband. Probably because at christmas, I had enough of him ranting about tech and "civillians (his insult for novice users). and how 45 is so great for at least doing something. And I had bluntly changed topics, only for him to talk even louder. His way of being passive aggressive. Yesterday he doubled down on the aholery: playing videos about politics on a laptop loudly while mom decided she had enough and "just happened" to go for a walk. Aunt and I wanted to have fun with her new card game. She does that in the hopes he'll get the hint he's being an ass. Rather than saying: we're trying to have a nice day. She used to say something, only for dad to explode claiming he wants to talk politics and if we don't like it tough (basically). He finally got the notion after 3 hours of being a douchebag to talk almost anything else with aunts husband. He does this because no one else wants to talk polotics or go off the handle about pretty technical mondane (and boring) javascript issues. Talked with mum about getting as a gift for my birthday (comes up soonISH) a membership to planetfitness and hopefully either a membership to a zumba class, or a generic dance for fun and cardio class. lol I mis being around pretty people! I got pissed the fuck off at [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) though. Because aint shit listed! Now trying to crawl out of a fowl mood to enjoy my day :( . I just hate how my dads turning into a bitter angery shut in, that's willfully out of the loops and doesn't give a F about anything that isn't related to very specific things, or he'll just sulk in front of the TV with beers. I also hate how useless feeling [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) has become and I have no idea what other places are in a similar spirit of groups meeting to make friends and do something fun.

What are some good responses to “how are you?” When you’re not doing well at all

There’s the fake out-I’m doing great! How about you? *me imitating Patrick Stewart: acting* The universally recognized by other depressed people: “it’s going haha,” and “just living the dream haha! I basically didn’t participate in holidays this year because I’m tired of acting and not having anything exciting or good to talk about with relatives and family. Since “I crave the sweet release of death every waking moment” isn’t a socially appropriate response I was going to holla at reddit to see if anyone could insoire or advise.

Stuck in a rut

I think I’m stuck in a depressed rut and I feel like I need to take action before I go further downhill. I really can’t be bothered to take care of myself lately, I have no social life beyond working and seeing my boyfriend 2-3 evenings a week, I’m close to my mum but that’s it. I find social interaction completely exhausting and overwhelming and yet crave it so much. The time off over xmas has left me realising that I just have no drive anymore. I’ve just sat and smoked weed for days in front of the tv/ computer and everytime I try and do something productive I give up because I either feel ill (I do have a cold atm) or just don’t feel like I know what I’m trying to achieve anymore (trying to clear up my house). I was going to the gym and eating healthily in November then I went through a stage where I wasn’t eating much at all so stopped the gym in fear of making myself faint (had a weird turn and fainted which freaked me out) I just can’t get myself back into it. I have all these great ideas of things to do to help myself but I have no clue how to do it. My boyfriends a total antisocial introvert so he’s not really much help, I need to do this in my own time for myself. I guess I’m asking how can I motivate/ drive myself to do something and not just feel hopeless all the time? I’m on antidepressants atm and have been slowly decreasing my dose for the past couple of years, this is my first winter on the lowest dose... do I up my dose again until I’m back in a better place? Also, how do you not feel guilty about relaxing/ doing something for yourself? I realise I always feel bad about spending time doing what I want but I don’t know why. Ugh I’m such a mess and so fed up of feeling low, I needed to get this out of my head. 2 more days alone to get through. I can’t even be bothered to make dinner, just eat what’s to hand. I feel so hopeless and useless

I'm 17 and have depression, anxiety, and I cut but my mother refuses to believe anything in wrong with me

I just recently turned 17 and everything hit me like a bag of bricks. I'm failing school and my mother put me on house arrest bc of it. Now my house makes my anxiety flair up like a bitch. And me being here 24/7 with no break doesn't help. It's winter break and I've been going out bc I hate it here. Now when my mother told me I couldn't go out and took my keys. Anxiety got worse, she got mad bc I was freaking out and crying, and I felt helpless. Now the battle with my mother about getting me to a doctor for my depression had been ongoing since I was 13. The razor helps me but now I have my bf talking me out of cutting. I can't see him so I'm stuck in this internal battle of immense sadness, anger, frustration, and anxiety. Idk what to do at this point...help?

I think I have genuine depression.

I was hit by a drunk driver in November. I got some bruises, shock, and my car was deemed total loss, but it still works just fine thankfully. Since my accident, I went for a run in a violent snowstorm in St. Louis, slipped and fell on my back and hit the back of my head on the ground. It hurt a bit but I continued running. The knots on my head healed up eventually. I've seen like 5 different accident scenes around the areas since my accident back on 11/22. These past like 5 days, I've felt incredibly emotionally unsettled. I'm not in control of my emotions, and I feel so emotional inside my head, I can't speak that well. Today I feel is the worst because I'm extremely emotionally unstable, I feel out of control of my emotions, and just powerfully depressed. I've noticed I've been waking up around 6-630AM or so every morning even though I want to sleep more and refresh my mind, brain chemistry. I'm going to Finland in a week or so, for a week or so. People have been cold and rude to me in public recently as well, as well as over the phone unfortunately. I've been trying to keep marching on, but I don't feel interested, lively, confident, and vibrant like I usually do. Do you think this is depression genuinely or something else medically? Tell me your thoughts and thank you for listening and for your concern and human empathy. I care about you and your feelings too. I do hope you have a wonderful happy new year for yourselves. :).

Years of worsening chronic fatigue/fog continue to cripple my life

Hey everybody, My life itself has always been pretty good, but my quality of life has been awful for the last 8-ish years. I am currently 23, and this is a quick timeline of what's been going on: * Age 13-14, started experiencing general anxiety for no apparent reason. Also, felt stressed a lot for no real reason either. Doctor thought it might be anxiety/depression so suggested I see a therapist and try some antidepressants. I tried a couple antidepressants and saw a therapist with no success. Antidepressants did absolutely nothing, and therapist was at a loss as to how to help. This generalized anxiety/worry/stress feeling continued. * Age 16, while still dealing with the above, I woke up one day after a good night's sleep and felt a little tired. I attributed it to anxiety or stress from school, but it NEVER went away. But it was very mild, so I just let it go and tried making lifestyle changes with no success. Over the months and years, it has very gradually worsened to the point where I'm at now where I can hardly function due to the overwhelming fatigue/brain fog. It is 24/7. Not even a second of feeling better. * Age 17-present: Have had nearly every sort of medical testing one can have done, many of them multiple times. Food allergy, vitamin/mineral deficiencies, thyroid, cortisol, testosterone, heavy metals, MRI, EEG, EKG, Lyme disease, Epstein Barr, h pylori, sleep apnea, dietary changes, sleep schedule changes, increase exercise, etc. Have tried a total of 7 different antidepressants/anxieties from different drug classes to see if maybe depression was the culprit. All either did nothing or made me more tired/foggy. I’ve tried Vyvanse, Adderall, Ritalin, kratom, CBD, kava, and countless other supplements. The stimulants all either helped very slightly, but felt very artificial and made my body more anxious but didn’t help my mind, or didn’t do anything. Caffeine in any form doesn’t help either. I’ve seen 3 different psychologists, all of whom were baffled and said they did not know how to help me and have never heard of this before relative to mental health issues. I feel this intense dissociation feeling 24/7 that has gradually emerged/worsened over the past couple of years. Like I'm so tired, I don't even feel like I'm in real life ever anymore. I feel drunk/drugged, especially as the day progresses. Come 8 PM, I feel so spaced out, the fatigue is unbearable. Sometimes, I feel so tired I feel physically ill. The gradual cognitive decline is shocking (Concentration, alertness, memory, focus, processing/recalling/stumbling over words and sentences, confusion, etc.). My motor skills have also declined badly as well. I bump into things, my reflexes are awful, I miss things when I try and grab them, etc. I feel dizzy/lightheaded when I stand up after sitting or laying down. I now have very low arousal. It's almost impossible to startle me. It's like my body doesn't even process loud noises or scare anymore. I feel anxious/stressed/overwhelmed more easily. Everything feels like a chore, like an ordeal I get to check off. Even if it is something extremely minor or something fun. Decision making is poor, even for relatively minor things. Hypersomnia (Usually fall asleep very easily, rarely have insomnia). Vision has declined (eye floaters, spots, light sensitivity). Eyes are dry/watery off and on. Numbness all over body. Tough to explain, but extremities/body parts feel so utterly exhausted and numb-like to the touch. Like I can feel my arm getting touched by my hand, but can’t feel my hand touching my arm. Senses feel dulled (Hearing, taste, smell, touch) all feel weakened and suppressed, especially as the day goes on and I feel more tired. Sex drive is virtually non-existent. Alcohol hits me much harder now. As a result, I feel intoxicated more easily/quickly. Sometimes 1 beer and I'm already feeling really drunk. I’m slow now both mentally and physically. Head almost always feels very tired and heavy, but I don't get headaches that often. I yawn way too much. Anhedonia and apathy as I’ve gotten tireder and tireder. I have gradually become indifferent to most things. I literally come across like an emotionless zombie now because I am so damn exhausted 24/7. Almost nothing phases or interests me anymore. I feel like I get every cold/flu virus that comes around. And it takes me much longer to get over them. I am emotionally flat lined. One of my eyelids droops a little bit, mostly later in the day and/or when I’m more tired. I feel like I need lots of sleep to “recover”, but all sleep really does is reset me a little bit and is very unrefreshing. All of these symptoms seem to be worse when I’m sick, stressed, get less sleep, etc. Overall, it feels like I was hit by a truck. From the moment I wake up to the moment I pass out from sheer exhaustion at night. Everything feels like it's suppressed by this fog that has gradually gotten worse over time. For example, caffeine’s effect, sex drive, post-workout adrenaline and endorphins, getting plenty of sleep, etc. I can sort of FEEL all these things for the most part, but it feels hidden and pushed down from this utter exhaustion. It’s like nothing can surpass the fatigue and fog. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm living my life from the backseat and am just going through the day mindlessly on autopilot. It literally gives me anxiety and depression to feel like this and not know why, and watch my life just pass me by at the same time. And the thing that sucks is that I WANT to do things and live life, and am still pretty optimistic, but I'm just too out of it, it's embarrassing. I come across like a drugged zombie when I try. ​ Realistically, the last kind of test I can do at this point is a sleep study, which is in a few weeks. In a way, sadly, I hope they find something. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Life advice help?

So New Years just passed and I just went on a former close friend on mine’s instagram page and I was just on social media in general (and before I even finish this, please don’t give me, “everyday goes through life at a different pace”) I noticed that her and other people seem to have actual lives. She performs songs plays, etc , has a relationship etc. and me? No guy had ever looked my way, my life is literally wake up , school, come home, homework, rinse and repeat. I also have social anxiety so it’s hard for me to go out and even then still, I think I’m grossly unattractive. Have never ever taken a good picture, last picture I took was for the school yearbook months ago. I simply just don’t take pictures. I feel behind everyone and everything. I realize how at my age this decade is literally the decade on change for my generation, but I haven’t don’t anything. Never been kissed, held hands, complimented, looked at. And it doesn’t help that I’m a dark skin girl and nowadays boys and men seem to go out of their way especially black men, to point out how they believe dark skin girls are unattractive in all ways. I just feel behind. I mean the girl I was talking about was the girl I did everything with in elementary and middle school till we moved for high school and she had the most basic things that I can’t even get. I mean high schoolers get to y’all about relationships, and me, I’m here too ugly to even be given a second glance. 2020 is off to the worst possible start.i want to be someone’s first choice. I have friends but I know I’m not their first choice, I feel like the leftover friend. I feel like if life is literally not happening for me, I shouldn’t even be alive, what’s the point. And I release that yes I need to go out there, but how do I do that when my head is constantly telling me all my flaws, from the shape of my nose to the darkness of my skin, to my introverted personality. I feel defeated, cause I don’t want this life if it’s all I’m getting, watching every body progress and experience while I’m stuck and I feel I can’t get out.

I am so confused

I'll be straight forward, I'm not diagnosed yet. I haven't really been checked so I may still very well suffer from the condition, but I apologize if I don't qualify to post here. So my problem begins maybe three years back. Out of nowhere I'm randomly sad about myself for no reason in particular. I brushed it off as regular old sadness and have no other thought. Then a couple months later I notice it's happening more and more frequently. I thought it could genuinely have been depression, but I was convinced into brushing it off as teen angst. Over the next year it stayed the same, random bouts of sadness and lack of motivation for a day or two at the time. Fast forward to now and I've started being sad nearly daily. I can sometimes go a week and rarely close to a month without experiencing severely as I have, but like I said that's it sometimes. I have suicidal thoughts so often they've stopped bothering me. I quite often cry at night and have recently started drinking when this happens. I sometimes think I want to die but I know there are people who care. I have a loving family and great friends. I just can't get what I want out of life and I don't want to live a long unfulfilled life. Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be happy and live for as long as possible, but part of me wants to give up. I'm not asking for professional diagnosis, but would you say this is regular sadness or am I verging on depression? Thanks, anon

Is being home triggering my depression?

Hi. I'm not too familiar with this subreddit but honestly I really need someone to talk to right now. I've been diagnosed with medical depression/ anxiety for a couple years now, taking medication and am now generally doing pretty well. I started college in the fall and the semester was amazing. However, since winter break started I've been having awful feelings about just living. I wouldn't say I have major suicidal tendencies but heck I've thought about it. I want to pain to go away so badly. Its gotten to the point where I feel physically sick. I can't stop crying. I feel awful. I'm lonely here and things aren't the way they used to be. That automatically fills me with anxiety. I haven't felt this way in so long and I thought I never would again. I don't know what I need but maybe someone here could help. I'm scared to fall asleep because of the nightmares I've been having. Maybe someone could talk. Idk.

Any time i speak, my mom has to point out the negative mindset/thought processing of my head, whether the negativity is fact or opinion. Makes me feel like a loser who can only see the negative in today’s world.. & i’m tired of beating myself up for it

I’m 22 & have had depression & anxiety for over a decade- so this negative mindset that shows itself at times has always been present Anytime i talk about something, see something awful on my parents favorite channel-the news-, or hear a conversation with points that i disagree with (lot of morals), i get told by my mom: “why are you looking at this so negatively?” “why are you letting yourself get so worked up about this?” “it’s not even affecting you directly, so why do you have such a strong opinion on this?” “don’t get so worked up about this, just let it go” “you only point out the negative things so i’m trying to show you the opposing view” I understand that it is a good thing to show the opposing viewpoint so you can fully make your own opinion, but i have always been one to contemplate & think of all point of views-i’m pretty open minded in that sense- but me being a sensitive person (well an HSP), i seem to first always lean towards the emotional reasoning & the rational part after, or secondary, of lesser importance. Probably because i know what it’s like to feel emotionally invalid/not cared about/misunderstood, so the sympathy for others is very present. but that also makes me question why I DO get so easily affected by being told basically (well i feel it at least) that i’m wrong or my thinking is wrong. I feel no one in my family really understands either where i’m coming from or how my mind works- not that i expect them too, but i do expect a little acceptance so i don’t continue to spiral down , continuously doubting myself & beliefs because i’ve been told it’s wrong my whole life. Idk Does this make sense? I’m not sure what to do, i’ve been meditating extra on this, but it’s like when i’m just in my families presence, this anxiety/alertness/ready to ‘defend/attack” feeling comes up immediately & the only way to ease those symptoms is to leave the situation - which is a good thing at times, but that’s really sad if i can’t even handle the presence of being around my own family because of the stress my body obtains...

I don't know how to help my depressed friend.

She basically doesn't care. ​ She's like "i've just accepted that everything's bad and it's gonna say that way" and im like " no things can get better, nothing's set in stone. but no one's gonna change it for you. You need to do it yourself." and she's like "i dont care enough about it to change it." ​ That's basically it. No matter how shit things are she doesnt care enough to try and improve them. idk how to help.

I don’t know how to maintain my relationships

I think I used to be close to people and I don’t feel that way anymore. I have friends but I know I put up a lot of walls and I don’t know how to stop. I’m scared when hanging out with people because I feel like I could mess up at any second. I invite people out and go to things I’m invited to but I think my interactions are wrong. My friends have started to point out that I’m not as present, and it’s hurting their feelings. Some have completely stopped reaching out. I want to be a good friend but I don’t know what or how to change. Has anyone made their relationships better while depressed? How do you keep your energy up and have positive interactions?

How can I convince my friend who is struggling with depression to seek help or let me help him?

So basically my friend (16) who we’ll call joe has been struggling with depression for months now. He used to be very open with me about it, and would frequently vent to me about his problems. About a month back, joe was at his worst, and he cut himself. I understandably was very concerned at this and brought up the idea of seeing a professional who can help him. He wasn’t very open to the idea and I think me mentioning it made him feel I was worrying too much about him, because now it seems he’s telling me less and less every time I ask him how he is doing. The other day his mental health came into the conversation and he told me he has no idea why he feels so bad all the time. I tried to pry a little bit, but he made it clear he doesn’t want to talk to me about it because 1. He doesn’t want me to worry about him, and 2. I wouldn’t get it. Fair enough... so I told him he should see a professional who can help figure out why he feels bad all the time. He said he was too scared to see a professional, which I completely understand so I offered to help him find someone. He flat out said no and changed the subject. I think joe is depressed and most certainly in denial about it. He’s told me he’s not depressed, just sad, but he doesn’t know why he’s sad. He obviously won’t talk to me anymore about it, and he’s scared to find someone who can help him. It would be extremely beneficial for him to talk to someone who is trained to diagnose mental illnesses, or can at least help him understand why he feels like this. So how can I convince joe to either find someone who can professionally help him or let me help him find that person? Thanks I’m advance for any feedback/advice

Someone please talk to me

I’ve been really depressed and suicidal for the last two weeks and they won’t go away. I make other posts and other people just don’t respond to them when I ask for help or they respond a little bit and they don’t talk anymore. This always happens. That and they say they care for me but then they leave and stop talking which means they don’t. I really need someone to talk to. Not just talk a little bit then leave forever like everyone else does.

I need help

I don’t know what to do anymore, I just want to die. I’m in the darkest parts of depression and i have no support system. My boyfriend doesn’t understand, he just asks “why can’t you just choose to be happy?” And I have no answer for him. I wish I could “just be happy” I need him to love me and give me the support, just to feel wanted and loved... but instead I get called names like a Goblin! he’s just so cold. My eyes are puffy from constantly crying.. My mother says I should move in with her, but that relationship can be even more toxic. I also suffer from anxiety and BPD. So not only am I terrified to leave the house, I have an extremely fear of FOMO. which leaves me feeling, I don’t even know.... and I’m stuck in a city I hate. I wanna move back home so badly to Seattle... but I’m stuck in Ohio for another year. And I truly don’t think I’ll survive it. Please help me.

Advice and help please

TLDR: I’m underage, depressed and don’t want to involve my parents in this. I don’t have any friend support right now either. Not sure what to do now and feel like just giving up. I’m 17 this year and went for a free mental health checkup a few days ago (parental consent and knowledge not needed) which confirmed that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. I’ve been feeling the symptoms for a little over a year now and attempted suicide a few months ago. Now that I have confirmed that I have depression, I’m not sure what to do next. They recommended that I look into getting a psychiatrist and psychologist for medicine and counseling respectively, especially since my family has a history of depression. However, since I’m underage, I need parental consent. I’m not close to either of my parents or any of my siblings and I have quite a lot of bad memories from my childhood as well. Additionally, my father has quite a negative perception of depression which definitely would not help. My younger brother has had suicidal ideation for the past year as well (his school found out and told my parents) so my mom in particular is very concerned about him. I don’t want to burden them further or open up to them about this at all, and since my brother is not mentally well either, I feel that my parents should focus more on him. At the moment, none of my friends know about this diagnosis and I don’t intend to tell any of them either. I pushed away my two closest friends a few months ago and I don’t trust anyone enough to tell them either. Even if I did, I don’t think they would be able to help much (ranting does not help me much and just makes me feel like a burden). I’m pretty much completely alone now and have no clue what to do. It feels like my only option is to tell my parents even though I really don’t want to and they may react very negatively. Also, I’m very tempted to just let this get worse and worse until I eventually kill myself so that hampers any attempts to get better as well. Any advice if possible?

I really don’t know anymore how to go about this isolation from social anxiety & depression- it’s one of the most debilitating things i’ve experienced.

-i’m 22. & have had anxiety & depression for a decade now (since age 11/12)-& yes i’ve been in therapy since then, few therapists cuz no one knows how to help me (not blaming them, blaming me for being impossible) -dropped out of art school last november (14 months ago) because Zoloft made me suicidal & school was a stressful waste of money to me. -i haven’t had a “real job” since May 2018 (-ive had my own reselling business online for 1.5yrs but no one counts that as accomplishment) ever since being on Zoloft i have become even more (than i already was) of an introvert & very socially anxious person. -my best friend moved out of state mad far away. -my other hometown friends are in college partying having a blast with their social & exciting friends. -so in the past year i have hung out/socialized with people/friends maybe like 5 times. in 365 days. i know it’s insanely disgusting that i don’t socialize. but i have no reason to. i get nothing but more stress out of it. what happens if i DO socialize (once in a blue moon) is: -usually too anxious to go thru with hanging out so i “ditch” last minute, aka panic episode -get so nervous that i won’t be the ‘same ol me’ because my depression is so so so obvious-i mean my tone of voice is terribly boring. -not as exciting or fun as i had hoped -not feeling like im the same person makes it hard to be ‘myself’ (my depression-negativite thinking- used to only be visible if speaking of self, but now it’s visible 24/7) -when i’m hanging with someone, what’s always flooding my mind is “when do i get to leave and be alone” BUUUT the most messed up, confusing, & frustrating part is that like i’m BEGGING for socialization. like my mind NEEDS it i can like sense it. i want to have conversations with people, i want to exchange ideas & thoughts, but if i go ahead and do so, it like doesn’t follow me there. in the moment i’m socializing i want to leave immediately. in moments im alone in my room, i want to be out with friends having an exciting thrilling time. but it never happens anymore. not in over 2 years. it’s like i can’t be comfortable with myself or something i really don’t know. & i really don’t know what to do anymore. (because i’ve tried/currently trying & don’t need duplicate answers that haven’t worked for me) NOT Welcomed:: -advising to take antidepressants/meds: i tried handful & im not playing the guinea pig role again to then actually commit suicide this time.. -“just take a walk” : i exercise/& am moving around most of the day so that’s not of help -“just don’t put a care into anything, nothing matters in the end.” -like no shit if i could control what i care about then i would, but being highly sensitive, i can’t not care about something-everything effects deeply me whether it’s just a joke or not. and i don’t care about the end result i care about what happens now. because i feel that now. i don’t feel the future. (sorry if this got kinda bitchy, i’m like arguing to myself as i’m typing this)

I feel like garbage, and I don't know what to do.

This probably isn't that big of a problem, sorry for wasting your time if you read this. Hi, I'm Viktor. I'm 17, I live in the US, and I just feel kinda lost. I have a best friend that's my age. She lives overseas though. So our only method of communication is online messaging or calls. Recently, I've been feeling really just kinda empty and bad. I've been on break (and it's almost over) and through it all, I've struggled to feel happy. I have to fake all my smiles so that my family don't start worrying about me. Due to this feeling of emptiness, I would talk with my friend a lot about it. But I thought that I was being annoying, so I told her I wouldn't talk with her again until I feel better. It's been about 3 days. Which is a bit because we just about talk every day. Today I've just been crying and haven't been able to stop until a little over 30 minutes ago. It sucks, and it hurts, and I don't know what I'm doing. I missed the deadline to apply to the college I wanted (the final deadline), and I don't think they'll take my application late. I feel so tiny and helpless and awful, and I just needed to tell *someone.* Anyone. Sometimes I think people would just be better off without me around.

Ranting

I (15 M) am struggling in my young life. I have parents that aren't the most understanding (immigrants) and don't understand my struggle well. I'm an AP student but ever since sixtg grade, I never felt "normal" or "fit in" with others well. I stopped caring about school in sixth grade and just wanted to live my life as a care-free individual. I understand all the material at school but don't use it or my resources. I have those off days (often) and cry almost everyday at school. Some habits I have are staying in my room all day, punching myself when I am in trouble or in the wrong, and sitting on the bathroom floor for prolonged periods of time. I am harassed by a classmate (15/16 M) in AP World and stopped eating and blamed myself even though I've never talked to him before. I'm scared if I report him, his friends will come for me because they are the athletic group of kids compared to me (the only athlete in my family). I just feel that I won't make it far in life because I have less than 3.5 GPA as an AP student and can't deal with things myself. I do want to exact revenge on him with some sort of unharmful method like getting him kicked off the soccer team or expulsion (very unlikely to happen). I feel like I juat want peace with the world. My coping methods right now are crying (at least until 2 or 3), TikTok, playing games, and pulling all-nighters on school days. By the way, I'm from the US. Are there ways to do better in school and not worry about what's happening? I'm halfway through sophomore year so it's too late to get a 4.0.

A friend you’re worrying about hasn’t been replying to you texts or talked to you in a week, what do you do?

My friend gets really lonely, especially around Christmas and New year. This was my 2nd Christmas and New year since knowing them. On the 30th of Dec, something happened that made me so distressed, I had to go see them. After that, I’ve been sending them 2 or 3 messages a day to see how they were doing. I tried to message open things that didn’t force you to answer. The last text I send was on Friday and I haven’t checked the app as well to see if they were on... I feel worried and sad, because they are being quiet. What would you feel or think in this situation, what would you do?

feeling lost but trying to keep positive. looking for some advice

hi there. so I've been on medication for about 5/6 months now, sometimes I think it's helping and sometimes not. I'm very new to taking antidepressants so i don't want to disregard them just yet so am trying to hopeful about them. I had sporadically seen some therapist's over the years but not currently seeing one. my job is okay but I'm getting bored with it and I wouldn't know where to go even if I could move to a different one. I guess I'm just feeling very lost and down and my motivation just isn't there anymore. I have been reading lots about zen and meditation and I know exercise would help but I can't get the drive to do any of it. I know these are fairly common symptoms for someone with depression but I don't know what to do so if there's anyone with any advice id be greatly appreciative.

Please give me some advice. I really need it.

Hi! This is my first time talking about my problems online so I will write a lot. If you stay to read everything, thank you, I appreciate it, because I really need it. So, I am almost 17 and I have depression since back in secondary school. I am always isolated by my colleagues, who only use me when they need to. Even so, I am always there for them although not the other way around. In my country being selfish is in power, but my parents raised me to be kind and modest so its pretty hard for me to find any friend. Besides that, my parents treat me very badly, always yelling at me or punishing me out of nothing, sometimes pretending I don't even exist. They don't believe me even if I tell the truth and don't ever encourage me. Because of that i became shy and introverted. The only friend I had , who started talking to me two years ago, becaming my bestfriend and also my first love later, changed completely when she got into highschool, got a boyfriend and threw me aside even if I told her about my depression and she knew I really needed her. Now I am alone and I got used to it, but I need someone be there for me and my loneliness only makes me feel more depressed. I always avoid going out with my parents because I feel like shit with them but I hate myself for it and their disappointed looks break my heart. The only way to escape from reality is my phone, but I started using it too often, watching night after night anime even if I have severe myopia. I constantly feel tired, I have no motivation to do anything, I don't seem to be able to love someone anymore and I really can't see myself in the future. The reason I write this is because today I had a nightmare with that girl and when I woke up my chest was hurting so bad and I screwed up with my parents. If anyone has come so far, thanks again, and sorry about my bad English. I really need some advice : What should i do? How can I escape this?

I feel down for no reason at times, even while being with friends

Sometimes I’ll be doing good and having fun with friends and then I just start feeling sad. They’ll usually ask if I’m good and stuff and I say things like “yeah I’m fine”. I don’t really believe myself, and I know they don’t either at times. They tell me they are there to talk if I need, but since I feel depressed for no reason I don’t know what I would say to them. I want to talk about it but all I know is that I randomly feel depressed for no reason, there’s no big event or smaller event it’s just random. What are some things I could talk about? They want to help me and I’d like to receive it, but what am I supposed to do? Just tell them I feel depressed for no reason at times?

how do i ask for help

so for a few years now i’ve considered myself depressed but i don’t know how to talk about my feelings to anyone. i tried once to tell my mom that i was “depressed”, since i’ve never actually been diagnosed, and that i’ve self harmed and had suicidal thoughts. i never actually told her that i was so close to actually doing the deed per say because how do you tell your mom that her child wants to end their life. i’ve spend days laying in my bed and not moving a muscle, not eating, not talking to anyone even my siblings, i didn’t even have the energy to get up to use the restroom. i had no energy whatsoever that i couldn’t even cry i just laid there in silence looking at my wall and hugging my dogs as they walked in and out of my room to sleep. for so long i’ve wanted to ask to go to therapy but anytime i talk about being sad and not feeling like myself my mom and sister tell my that i have no reason to be sad and that i’m just faking it. i think this all stems from childhood trauma but mostly from a past relationship that never should’ve been a relationship. it was so toxic and the worst first real relationship i ever had. it ruined me mentally and emotionally. the jealousy, the controlling, the emotional abuse, the pain we caused each other, just the whole relationship was horrible and i deeply regret ever getting into a relationship with her. it was always so crazy to me how everyone thought our relationship was perfect and nothing but happiness when in reality it was tearing me apart yet i couldn’t get away from it. maybe i stayed because i didn’t wanna be alone or maybe it was because i liked the attention she gave me, all i know it there was never any actual love in the relationship. it was just lust and the thought of us being together and having a future. i just don’t wanna be sad anymore. i want to happy like actually happy not just moments of relief and distraction from the pain. how do i tell someone that i want or need help without feeling so vulnerable and embarrassed by my emotional baggage

Hi, I'm 16 and I need help, I don't wanna relapse.

Hi, I'm Blake. I've had depression since I was 8 and I started Zoloft and Lamictal at 14. I've had a lot happen to me, I think all of us have. I've been doing better. I quit porn (or I haven't orgasmed to it), I've tried being nicer, and I'm working on being a better person. The issue is...I've been an asshole to my parents as of late..I made my mom cry with how I don't respect her. I've done so many fucked up things in the past, stuff I can't even speak of. I try to forgive myself, but I can't. I just wallow in self pity when I get sad and play the victim. I have been the victim, yet I use it as an excuse at times. I need help forgiving myself for the things I've done, they haunt me every day. I say I'll change, and I do for a while...but then I relapse. I can't accept that I need to feel shitty for the things I've done. I would like some advice, real advice, on how to forgive yourself even after continuously messing up after you say you'll be better. I need help. Thank you.

27 yo Male, living with parents, having some family small businesses but personally having insignificant involvment. Dating an older women from other town. What should I do ?

Hello everyone, I think about myself as an old child, unable to launch. Even though I started my own company, and began developing wordpress based websites, I haven't earned much my whole life. I feel like a total s\*\*t. For about a month I've met a girl in a nearby city, who is 5 years older than me. She has a stable job with a much better income than mine, but she pays for rent and says that she can't save any money. Both of us are the only children our parents have. She wants a child soon, so she is looking for commitment, but on the other way, she says that she is not willing to limit any of my freedom. I was through a couple of bad relationships and I am not into hooking up randomly and not even dating anymore. I am very very frustrated and I don't know what should I do. Should I leave my parents, even if they need my help from time to time, take the nothing that I have and move with her? I am not confident, my schedule is a mess, I have a big problem waking up in the morning and I have no idea what to do. I sometimes wonder if I am semi-retarded, or having some autistic spectrum disorder. I had problems with weed and alcohol and I incline towards addiction most of the time. I am stressed out nowadays because I have work which needs to be done, very limited time and little to no money. PLEASE HELP!!!

21 male, in post-relationship, feeling awful.

Hello friends, I've been thinking recently I need to talk about what's going on. I feel like my family members have heard enough of it and they don't really give me the answers or ease that I need. I loved a girl, and she loved me. She had always been dealing with mental health issues. She acted in ways she expected I'd want to facilitate the relationship. In more blunt words, she had sex with me because she knew I wanted it even though it wasn't enjoyable for her. When the issue became clear, and the distance between us bolstered, I became restless. It seemed to me she had stopped loving me. I begged her to get help for the issues, but they were so deeply connected to her life that she was hurt that I would suggest the she could overcome them. We eventually broke up. I don't think either of us stopped loving the other. She hates me now, thinks I'm some kind of asshole life-ruiner. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. It was trauma and sadness preventing her from being happy, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not help her. That was months ago now. I started to distance myself from it all. But I still have dreams of holding her and telling her I miss her. Yesterday, it came back with a vengeance. I cried and pained, looked at her social media, seeing directed passive-aggressive posts. It was really painful. I shouldn't have done it. So I need support. Should I just be pushing through this and moving on? Some part of me wants to fix it and love her again, but I know that wouldn't be good probably. And I know that if I was back with her, I wouldn't feel the love that I am searching for. It just hurts. I dont know how to feel. I just wish I could forget. Any support and advice would be amazing. Just to know that somebody out there recognizes I'm not the bad guy, I wanted her to be happy. But my own needs became my care, and I stopped supporting a person I love because of sex. I will never not feel shitty about that. But it wasn't just sex! It was more than that; it was my physical connection to my SO which is very important to me. Anyway, I'm done. Thank you, friends.

(18F) I mentally cannot balance Full-time university and work

I'm an 18F who is enrolled in university full-time and works around 20-23 hours a week. I live at home, but I pay bills and not working isn't an option. I have been depressed for two years and when I first quit my job to focus on school my parents got angry and hounded me everyday to get another job. I feel like I am less of a person because I can't juggle full-time school and work, my coworkers brag about how much they work on top of school and it makes me feel like I'm inadequate because I can't handle my 20 hours. I work as a pharmacy assistant and it is an extremely demanding job. I have hobbies and a boyfriend, so it feels like my schedule is always full. I don't mind a busy schedule, but it's hard right now because of the depression. I just started Sertraline (Zoloft) two weeks ago, so on top of my depression symptoms I think I'm experiencing drowsiness from the medication. Any help would be appreciated, I feel very deflated right now.

Depression-Why is every remedy have a placebo effect on me? And why can it never stay longer then a week?

I’m talking literally any type of treatment for my depression. Some examples: -Tried Celexa, the following week the depression had lessened (cuz i had so much faith in this pill cuz it helped my friend) then when it was when it was supposed to start “working” (they say all antidepressants take at least a month to work) which was around the time my ‘back to normal depressed me’ depression came back. Of course they would sometimes up the dose just to see, but it never had the same impact as the first few days did. -Tried Ashawagandha & Holy basil (adaptogens) & felt relief of anxiety for a few days, then back to same old GAD self (cuz i have faith in natural remedies) -Tried yoga & exercise, but hard to keep up with when i’m too depressed & anxious (& it’s freezing out) to leave the house . i’d workout more in my house if the ceilings weren’t so low & i had more privacy (i hate being watched, yes even if someone’s in the other room doing their own thing & not even looking at me) -Tried eating more healthy (not saying i eat unhealthy), felt good for like a meal then nothing, but i’m such a picky eater it’s hard to always eat ‘the right stuff’ -Tried Positive affirmations, about 1/15 times it can give a little relief, but nothing that a deep breath couldn’t do -Tried deep breathing, helpful to slow down breathing when anxious but extremely hard to remember to do -Tried (& still trying) therapy, but i’ve had multiple therapists & after a bit it just turns into a chore/exhausting to continuously bring up like “yep, today i get to bring up my depression again & remind myself of all the bad stuff yet again”. idk i’m feeling quite hopeless. and the most frustrating part is that since i’m literally thinking my way into something working, like why can’t i just do it myself? or like why doesn’t it stay? i really don’t understand ..

Frustrated with being moody and little things making me enraged and feel hurt.

Frustrated with being moody and little things making me enraged and feel hurt. Just now first comcast went off line while I was seeing if I could fix a computer problem with chill ambience going. Fam gave me a 3 pack of some CBD carts to try because last time one of them pulled me out of my funk. First the fucking batter won't stay working. Then one cart I was looking forward to trying was so thick to not quite work, THEN fall appart. Just in a place of I don't care, running out of fucks to give. And what the fuck did I do to deserve this.I just want to have a under ground cave and not have the fuckery the fucking fucking cock fucking shit fucks beet me the fuck up up any more. I despise comcast, I can't wait till their ceo is on a bed with a rare issue and the company to implode so as Karma can do it's magic. But I also miss the balanced me, the much less toxic feels broken and hurt me. I guess the world can go fuck it self I don't want to be an adult anymore, I want to be back in the 80s--about 10. maybie i'll go back being like that. I guess I'll need some chucks and a a fuckton more money. Anyone have a pigybank and crayons? Pigybank for money to by pizza and antacid, crayons to draw with.

I'm nothing without my medication.

Hey, i'm Bradley. I'm turning 16 close to the end of this year. This year's exams that are upcoming are really, really important and will determine my near future. It's stressful, but I always avoid getting stressed. Here's where the first problem comes in: when i'm not stressed, I don't worry about the exams. So in the end, there's completely no effort when the day comes. Medication started about a month or two ago. So far, i've missed some days and yes, my psychiatrist knows. I won't elaborate on my problems but basically I have been diagnosed with depression after close to 3 years of suffering in silence. And it has been tough. Seeking help didn't relieve me that much, but it did. My mood changed a little, i'm kind of more positive in terms of my everyday life. Just school, sports and home. A cycle. Everytime there's signs (which are triggers, but i'm afraid of telling my teachers or psychiatrist because i'm just too scared to) i'm always getting into that depressive episode. I get easily angry, especially to my friends and I tend to be impulsive during these "anger moments". It's tough dealing with depression. Really tough. Medication just makes it seem like I can't handle things on my own, and drugs are needed just for my mood to get better (I mean, when I was a child it was so easy to be happy, why not now?). I seem to never forget that without medication i'd be dead. I don't know if I should see it that way or whether I should take things on my own. It's masculinity, right? If we could handle this, we're stronger than others, right? People always tell us that it'd be better if they understood what I was going through, but must I really tell _everyone_ that I have depression?

Therapy is too hard i don’t know what to try next because there is nothing out there that can help me.

It’s way too difficult. I can’t do anything i’m supposed to be doing. I can’t take deep breathes when i’m feeling anxious because it feels like i’m suffocating myself. I can’t let something go because i don’t understand what that means with thought because reoccurring thoughts are always present. I can’t get past anything because my mind is too fucking powerful and only wants to feel terrible. I’m useless, hopeless, & this is all pointless. I’m at rock bottom and there’s nothing left to help me. I wish i could just give myself amnesia so i could start fresh, because i can never start fresh because of all i’ve experienced

My Wife Said she didn't Love me anymore, Im trying to fix things, she wants to work this out but I keep doing things to push her away. My Depression is crippling my work and my life right now. I need help.

I won't get into too many details, But My Wife (F26) Said that she doesn't love the person I have turned into, she told me things she doesn't like about me and Im trying to fix them. She Broke my heart this last week and my Brain is trying everything it can to hold on to her. I have made leaps and bounds as far as improving what she wanted but It leaves me needy and feeling worthless. I used to not text her that much but after all this I can't stop thinking I need to talk to her. I don't have friends, I need to see a therapist but Im waiting for them to approve my insurance. I need to know everything will be okay, that my life isn't over and that things will get better. We have a 6 Month old son and It breaks my heart to know that he might grow up with his parents not together and loving each other. I just need something or someone.

I am the problem

It was always me who didn’t fit in.People don’t like me and I don’t understand why. No matter what I do, I’ll always be an outcast, I’ll be always made fun of. There’s something about me that other people hate. I push people away. I’m 21 years old and I never had real friends. At 13 I lost all of my friends and I haven’t made new ones. I missed out on life. On those first experiences, parties, all of the fun that teenagers do. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to men, because I never had male friends… I have never been invited to a party. I have never smoked or took alcohol… I never spoke with someone other than my relatives on phone or skype… It’s hard for me to make friends now, because of lack of these experienced. Everyone has their friend group from high school, but I was bullied in middle and high school…. Recently, my 17 cousin laughed at me because I’m a virgin. It’s true. I never had the opportunity to explore, because I had no one to explore things with… And it hurts me, because I have no idea how to flirt with men or even keep a relationship. Recently, I was texting this guy and he weirded out that I never had sex or kissed someone…My lack of experience pushed him away… Without these necessary experiences it’s hard to be accepted…. I feel like hanging myself. Help.

Hey 👋 Deserving Positive Treatment

I got out of a really shitty relationship and now I’m trying to put myself back together. I think one of the most difficult things I face with depression is not feeling like I deserve anything. I was on the r/listenandvent chat room and I asked for hugs—virtual hugs, yes, but even the act of asking for something made it easier for me to accept any sort of affection. I would like to know how to convince myself that I deserve things, emotionally?

Is it worth trying more anti-depressants?

Hey everyone, My depression has been out of control over the last year. It's always been bad, but this was the first year where I woke up nearly every day thinking about suicide. I've been seeing a therapist for more than a decade and over that time I've been talked into anti-depressants several times. And without fail none of them helped. Prozac, Solexia, Welbutrin, and another I'm blanking on all had no positive effect and untenable sexual side effects. This past year I tried Effexor and had to quit after a month or so because it made me feel emotionally numb and I felt no fear or concern about my growing desire to end my life. Now I'm very apprehensive about even trying another SSRI/SNRI As of a few days ago I made one last try at maybe getting the Spravato treatment. But because I live in the world's richest third world country(the U.S.), all of my prior SSRI experiences mean nothing. The insurance company requires that I endure at least 3 immediate attempts with drugs they want to cover before they even consider honoring the insurance that I pay them for. Has anyone similarly developed this apprehension towards antidepressants and eventually found one that worked? I was given a list of more modern SNRI's and I'm fucking terrified that they'll make me feel like he last one and I'll give in and do it.

I need help *TW, self harm thoughts*

Hi. I'm on mobile so I'm sorry for any issues. I've never even looked at this sub, I just needed to find something because I have nobody to talk to so I used the search bar. I've never admitted any of this out loud. I've never typed them to anybody either, just in the memo section on my phone, where I keep a diary in case I end up killing myself. I'm not technically suicidal, I'm not trying to find ways to kill myself. I just want something to happen to me so I can just die. I'm currently on a road trip with my kids (two sons, ages 3 and 1) and my parents. We're on our way back to our home state, my husband is there. I want to get out of the car to pee or something at a rest stop and get hit and die on impact, I don't want anything to happen to my parents or my kids. I've been having thoughts like this for a long, long time while walking or driving alone. I never have them when I'm with other people. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety, and PTSD from childhood trauma, and have gone to a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was on an anti-depressant (Zoloft) but had to stop as it was causing me to have stroke symptoms. I feel like none of my friends give a shit. I'm aware this could be my mental illness telling me this, but I can't help it. Nobody ever asks me how I'm doing, and I ask them every day. I message or call them immediately after they post a concerning status on Facebook, check on them on anniversaries of loved one's deaths, etc. Nobody asks how I'm doing unless I stop replying to them for over a week (which I have done twice over the last year by muting all notifications from messaging apps when I'm particularly depressed and can't handle anything else). When I post in group chats about something I'm done or my sons have done, I feel like somebody always has something happen right then and whatever I've shared gets ignored. I've stopped telling people about my life and venting, and nobody has asked. Things have been stressful at home. My husband lost his job in the summer and neither one of us has been able to find a job. We were denied for government assistance, but my husband gets payment from the VA and unemployment. Because of this stress, my husband and I fight all the time. We love each other, it's just so hard. I feel like if I told him about all this it would just add to his stress. I've thought about putting myself on a psychiatric hold but I haven't. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have nobody to talk to. I have a suicide diary in my phone. I've attempted before (when I was 16, so almost 10 years ago). I don't want to commit suicide, I just want something bad to happen to just me and I die. I know this is wrong and not a good sign, I know I need to see a therapist and get on more medicine but we have no insurance. I can't help but feel obnoxious, like a burden, unwanted, unloved, like I'm just being used, like I'm a terrible wife and mother. I even wrote in my suicide note that if I'm ever found dead, to cremate me and throw me in the trash. I don't want to die necessarily because of my boys and my husband, I love them more than anything. I just can't help these thoughts and I feel terrible about it. And my husband has no idea, and neither do my boys. I just want to feel like I'm enough, I guess. I don't even know if this makes sense. Thank you for reading.

I’m too fucking stupid

When I was a kid, up until 2nd grade I went to a private school and I was at the top of my grade up until 3rd grade where I missed most of the year due to traveling. I ended up in a charter school, and ever since then, I lost most of my social skills and I started to get failing grades. My grades got so bad, in fourth grade I had all F’s. The thing is, my parents never held me back even though I needed to be, because I would’ve seemed like an embarrassment. I kept trying my best, and up until high school rn, I’m still struggling and failing classes. Here’s the twist though, I always got the highest air test scores in my grade. Idk what to do or if I’m stupid or what. I want to go to college and make my parents proud, but I feel too dumb. What am I supposed to do...

Why can't depression ever be gone forever?

Hi, sorry i still dunno how reddit work yet. I just joined and it's my first time talking about such stuff online. I've been diagnosed with depression and few other stuff few years ago and i had treatement and such until i felt better but whenever i got into an argument with family i could feel it crawl back in me. Up until now I've been strong enough to overcome those small situations. And even tho i feel better most of the time i can feel it whenever i'm sort of reverting back to it. Like i start to go out less and less, i stop talking to people online and irl and answering the phone becomes a hard task.. then i start to distract myself by bingewatching shows so i don't leave space to thinking, i don't/can't sleep at night and i have a hard time remembering things i just did or dont realize I've done them. And i like reading but it becomes hard like i can't focus and i end up skipping lines or read without remembering/understanding what i just read. The more i stay home the harder it is to get out. Anyway that's how i know shit is getting serious. Other than that i sometimes have a hard time swallowing food the doctor said it was anxiety a lack of magnesium and having supplements did help but anyway. Two days ago came back home i was in a good mood i brought sweets for everyone at home except i fould out novody was there. I have a kitten at home i brought it recently about two months ago. it's 5 months old and it still pees in the wrong spots when it's far from its litter. The past few weeks it peed 3 times on my blanket and i had to take it get cleaned everytime. I barely got to use it so this time i had put it in a closed room so the cat cant get to it. But a cousin of mine opened the room to feed the cat there and my father had taken away the litter out of the room because that's what he does .. whatever he likes basically. Anyway when i came back i found the door open and pee on the blanket that i had just taken out of from cleaning a night before and put aside away from the cat but there it was dirty again. I got mad. And i couldn't get angry at anyone. I felt like even when i did my best to avoid something it happened again. And i burst crying pretty dramatically.. i felt devastated. I mean i know it's a ridiculous way to react but i went from good day to worst day ever for a stupud reason in no time and i couldn't stop laughing for a while. I guess i felt frustrated or idk but i kept muttering stuff and couldn't stop crying. And when i calmed down about half an hour later i was worried i had reacted this way before when i wasn't feeling well but i didn't think id react that way now. I thought everything was fine. Now i just don't know if i really am. The only reason i can think of as the source is that I'll be taking classes again after almost a year now I've failed my last high school year twice in the past when my depression was really bad and after that and therapy i felt good enough to study again i stopped highschool i chose a different institute i studied for two years and my grades were good for the two years ive been studyingi passed the final exam but half way through the end year project i just gave up. I don't know if i can blame my mental health for it or if i just turned into a self sabotaging person or just that it wasnt what i really wanted to do bur i was driven by the fact that i dont have a choice so i just did it. After that i stayed out of school for about a year doing half time jobs and now i want to try something different again. I'm afraid that's the cause but i don't want it to be i just wanna finish what i start this time. This thing is already going on for too long. I'm not sure what I'm asking you here. But i guess i want an opinion or advice. I'm worried i can't tell when I'm not ok until symptoms get physical and how am i supposed to deal with that.. what if it affects how i deal with stuff negatively and I'll only be aware of it when it's too late. Anyway.. thanks for reading until the end i appreciate it.

Kind of an Emergency, at the very least I need some info hopefully from others who've had it happen.

So I've been taking Wellbutrin and affexor I think they're both called for about a year now. They've helped alright, but I've heard that if you just stop them you can get sick. That's what the nurse at my therapy/medication office said to my therapist anyway. I have one last dose tomorrow and I don't have money to buy more even if the jackass nurse that I talked to today can figure out how to send the prescription out. What am I in for? I'm not sure when I'll be able to take them again but I'm a little nervous to be honest and I don't want to get over anxious about it and make it worse.

:( friendzoned by a super nice, cute sassy geeket I like.

(cross posting) This really cool geek babe I like oh so friend zoned me :( She has a bunch of health issues, but she's easy and fun to talk to. Asked her if she had seen Jumanji 2 (not yet), so me being me simple said: oh! would you want to? or not you and the Kiddo's thing? (Really busy right now....)"Ah! ok...well that's fine, can get together some other time" ( Sorry just have a lot happening right now.." (sigh friend zoned!). I don't know if it's PTSD, or one to many relationships gone south...I do totally respect her limits, even though she's hella pretty, just sucks a fat one to get friend zone. I wish I knew how to express something apropiate. Even though it sucks a fat dick. She has amazing eyes and a cute smile, and makes me laugh till my ribs hurt...but friendzoned is friendzoned :( (I'llbe in my corner moping also because I still would find it totes most to hang out some despite having wounded pride) Man I aint never getting a someone seems like :(

Feeling so down and beating myself up for mistakes

I don’t feel like talking about whatever is going on in my post since it might be too long. So to simplify it: I made a mistake asking someone from a laptop repair shop to back up files onto a hard drive. I didn’t think too much about what I did so of course I wasn’t surprised when my parents were mad at me. I tried to fix the situation by calling and texting to let them know of the situation. Then my mom just starts calling me out and calling me names cause I kept making mistakes. I get that I don’t think through things sometimes and it gets to me, but my mom really tried to drag me through the dirt cause she thinks so highly of her golden child compared to me. It got to me and I fought back verbally. I was so mad at her at that moment and couldn’t believe the things that she said. I’m now sure that whatever my mom said is going to and will affect me. I just barely have the motivation to do anything at the moment. As you can tell, I’m probably not doing so well and would be down to talk or chat with someone.

I'm a 14 almost 15 year old that lack confidences and have very low self esteem. Plus hate my appearance and it ruins my life.

I just realized people try their best just to avoid talking to me especially at school. I often get ignored and pushed aside from my classmates during anything. Even the teachers and staff won't give me the light of day, when i need it most. Also comparing myself to others to the point where it's an obsession. I can't stop! Some of my classmates & friends have features that i desire: curves, pretty faces, & lighter skin colors. (But sadly can never have without plastic surgery) They are highly praised and make me feel ugly. Multiple people on multiple occasions have told me that I'm ugly and don't want to be caught dead standing beside me. It makes me believe them even when i tried multiple times to disregard it. My self esteem and confidences just drowned within a couple of days. NEED HELP (14 almost 15 )

Does it get better

I'm still in school and my life is a peace of shit everything is falling apart, my girlfriend just broke up with me and people are saying that I should just kill myself. I've thought about killing myself and even tried but failed. Nobody takes me seriously anymore, I told my friend that I've known since 4th grade that I want to die, and he laughed at me. I don't know if it'll ever get better expecially since I have no one to talk to.

Feel like friends don’t like me

Made some friends at the end of December last year I think and now they won’t even talk to me...so I’m probably not gonna go to the pride thing anymore tbh it’s not fun and whenever I do go and my “new friends” just leave me to go do their own things and when I tried to ask Jess to go the the ball thing with me she instead ignored me and chose someone else so don’t think I’ll be going to that either... I just feel like if they really were my friends they wouldn’t be ignoring me all the time...and basically I feel extremely upset and depressed about it and been crying again because I thought I finally found some good people to be friends with but apparently that’s not the case as per usual

I’m a depressed first responder and I need advice on how to get better.

Im 26 and for the last 2 years I’ve been suffering from a persistent feeling of sadness, inadequacy and loneliness. The problem is, I shouldn’t be. I finally achieved my dream of being a police officer and I couldn’t be happier at work. But that’s where my happiness ends. When I’m not at work the feelings of sadness come back and I’m a recluse. I don’t really have any friends to speak of, I’ve gotten fat, I don’t have a girlfriend and I never leave my house. None of my past hobbies interest me anymore. For a long time I ignored the symptoms because it’s such a taboo in my field. But I finally realised that’s not helping. I want to get better but I want to do it on my own terms. Not just seeing a therapist. What can I do to get better by myself?

feeling very weak

I'm extremely passionate and hardcore about my career, but I'm a carbon copy of my mother. Just like her, I'm starting to develop and have problems dealing with depression. The city I go to college in is ugly and amplifies my depression ten fold. I'm about to start my last semester, but my dad wants me to transfer to another college in the same area to get a bachelors in my field. I don't feel like I can handle the upcoming semester, let alone two more years of this. Never got suicidal thoughts until I started living there (Milwaukee). People tell me to keep my chin up and just look at the bright side of things, but it's impossible. Everything makes me so unhappy. I really really want to just skip out on the bachelors, but it would disappoint my parents (and myself, admittedly). I don't know what to do to balance out all the despair. Things im already doing/about to start doing listed below, suggestions very welcome: \- exercising with ring fit (about to, just got the game) \- playing switch games (figured itd make me happier to finally buy a switch) \- spending a lot of time with my friends \- painting and sculpting \- drawing \- roleplaying \- cooking (sometimes) What are more things I can do?

Depression hopelessness mixing with anxiety?

A lot of days, as the day comes closer to ending (this happens much more in the winter months) I get this most uncomfortable feeling that sets in. It’s almost like anxiety, but it’s more emptiness. Nothing changes the feeling besides going to sleep and waking up the next day with distractions like a to-do list or a new set of tasks for the new day. This feeling is so intense that it has made me leave social events prematurely and leaves me in tears multiple times a week. It’s boredom with life and anxiety that I’ll never live a life without this feeling. Anybody else get this sadness?

If I keep telling myself Im not depressed, will I be better?

I was prescribed prozac last week, but what if I'm not depressed? I'm saying this because Yes, I'm feeling down, but that's because I'm a piece of shit and I know it. I'm not pessimistic but rather I see myself objectively and I know I'm shit. I don't wanna be a pathetic as fuck so I want my situations to change and prescription won't be able to do shit. Psychiastrists and counselors won't be able to do shit because the problem is on me. So back to the title, if I keep telling myself that I'm not depressed, will I be better and be able to gather strength to be someone better?

Fantasy brings me much more pleasure than reality, so how can I enjoy life again?

I've been struggling with depression for +10 years, and I'm at a point where I'm ready to just throw my hands up, and give up trying to find joy in the real world anymore. I've always turned to some form of escapism as a coping strategy, whether it's gaming, cartoons, or even just watching random YT videos. Now, I feel like I would just be happier if I could live in that escapism all the time. If there was a way I could just spend my life sleeping and dreaming all the time, I would. Even my therapist has acknowledged that life won't be as much fun as living in a gaming world or watching cartoons, so what's the point? So far, the main answer seems to be "you just have to do it." I don't wanna die, but I don't wanna live either. I'm convinced nothing would make me happier than if I were to live in my own head.

Depression after graduating university

I graduated from university a few months ago and am in limbo back home with my parents. I am supposed to be applying for jobs but I feel completely paralysed with fear. I have always suffered from incredibly low self-esteem. My parents are really critical of me so I have started avoiding seeing them and just spending my time in my room alone. Friends are all busy with work and university. I feel incredibly low. I have not left the house in 11 days now and can barely muster up the energy to brush my teeth and shower each day. My days have no structure and I just eat junk food as I feel too lethargic to prepare proper meals for myself. Each day I wake up late (11am-ish) and then count down the hours until 7pm when I can start getting ready for bed again. Getting into bed is perhaps the highlight of my day as it means another day of my life is over with. My mum just came in my room and told me I need to sort myself out. She finds it all pathetic and is angry at me. I get it. But that is not what I need. Can she not see that I am not well at the moment? I also have been suffering with anxiety. Everyday there is something new to worry about. Yesterday I thought I had breast cancer, a couple of weeks ago it was cervical cancer, etc. Even applying body lotion to my arms I am scared I am going to see a dodgy mole. I just feel so hopeless. But I get these brief moments of sadness when I think to what I was like this time last year. I was in university, surrounded by friends, top of my year, genuinely springing out of bed to go to university. I don't know how it went bad so quickly. I know I can turn it around. Sunday night I prepared a simple to-do list to just look for jobs and identify three I wished to apply to. A simple task which breaks down the scary process of job hunting down to tiny steps but it is Wednesday and I still have not done that.

I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure to have sex from my friends and it's really gotten into my head

I (16m) have depression and can't really manage a relationship or strong romantic attractions anymore. Like any other 16 year old guy I want to have sex, but I don't want to just do a hook up or a one time thing with someone who doesn't mean anything to me. I really only want to have sex with someone I'm really emotionally attached too, and I also want my first time to be with someone else who hasn't done it yet. I kinda just assumed that sex would come in it's own time until I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, where now I'm being told that I should avoid relationships for the sake of my mental health. She was also the one who demeaned me for not having had sex before and sorta the reason I need it to be someone else's first time too. She basically made fun of me for not having had sex before, and I never really cared about losing my v-card, but now I'm thinking about how belittled I feel knowing that I haven't had sex whereas many of my friends have and now I notice all of them sorta expect me to have it as well, and even though I want it to be special and real they still see me differently for not having had it (some context-my friends are also fucking nerds and it is beyond me how any of them have had sex yet). I guess I'm looking for advice or consolidation, but I just don't really know what to do

How do I tell my friends and family that I am depressed?

I am 21 years old, I’ve been dealing with depression ever since high school but never discussed it with anyone until this year. Last semester I visited my school’s counseling center because I just felt so shitty. My depression comes in waves, so it comes and goes (which is partly the way I’ve been able to hide it for so long) but when It’s bad I spend hours just convincing myself to shower or brush my teeth. I feel so unmotivated and unhappy. I finally saw a counselor and explained everything I have been feeling and she suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I really want to because I don’t know if I can get through another episode and I feel one coming on soon, but I don’t know how to tell my mom that I need to see one. I am still on my parents insurance plan so they will find out regardless. I just don’t know how to tell my parents or my friends. I don’t want to come off as lazy or sad and I definitely don’t want them to treat me differently.

(22F) Under the poverty line, don't know how to apply for assistance or what I would qualify for, need help navigating the system because my head keeps spinning (NOT asking for money, just need help getting some)

((I'm new to reddit, and this is a throwaway account, so please forgive me if I committed any reddit faux pas)) I need help- not direct financial aid, but help navigating the system. I know I should qualify for financial help, but I have no idea how to go about it or which programs to pursue. I'm scraping by, deep in student loan & hospital debt that I can't afford to pay because I can barely make rent, trying to save up for a super-cheap, used, under $1,000 car so I can get a better job (I currently work retail part time and take painting & illustration commissions part time), but I'm exhausted even working the few hours that I do (thanks, brain). I've been struggling with depression & anxiety since my freshman year of college (2015), culminating in a suicide attempt & an involuntary stay in a mental hospital a little over two years ago. I can't afford counseling, and I can't get medication without a car. It's been a while since I've been on meds. Not sure I would be able to afford it if I could reach it. I was raised in a cult-like Christian conservative homeschooling home, so until college I was very isolated from modern culture, "common" sense, and a normal view of the world. Because of this, I have no idea how social programs work. I'm still scrambling to figure out how the normal world works. I tried applying to Modest Needs, was told I made too little to qualify, started looking at government programs, and got just absolutely completely lost. Any suggestions for ways to make/earn/get money welcome as well, just keep in mind I don't have a lot of energy at the moment... Has anyone who's had similar struggles in the past have any advice? Any resources? A suggestion for a place to start? ... Other possibly relevant details about me: \-I know that my income places me solidly under the poverty line \-I think I may have ADHD or something similar but have never been evaluated for it \-I was \*\*\*VERY\*\*\* briefly homeless, slept in a tree at one point and in my car (had to sell) another, but there's no documentation of that (it was remarkably short, I'm very lucky) \-I live in California & I am a US citizen \-I am cis, pansexual, female, & white as a ream of printer paper \-I was disowned & cut off by my family for religious reasons \-I have some, small documentation of my mental illnesses, but because of those same mental illnesses, I can't make it to a doctor often, so the paper trail is inconsistent, spotty at best \-I was in college 3 years, was in my senior year (I brought in credits) when I ran out of money and had to leave, never graduated \-I pay rent under-the-table, I don't \*legally\* reside at the place I live \-I have terrible credit- lots of student and medical debt, I've never had a credit card but I've been wondering if getting one might help \-I've never applied for any governmental assistance before (aside from scholarships) I can't think of any other details that might be relevant but feel free to ask any questions, aside from this protective anonymity I'm an open book. Thanks so much to anyone who took the time to read <3

Where to go and how to get diagnosed.

For years I’ve gone through what I self diagnosed as episodes of depression. They usually last about a month or two of being super down and not having any drive to do anything at all. I’m 21 now and it has been this way since 15 years old. When I was 17 I told my mom I was depressed and I told my guidance counselor in high school. Nothing came out of that except they sent me to a doctor to get blood drawn for some reason and I was sent on my way because the counselor said maybe I have a thyroid issue. Terrible counselor and terrible doctor. Never went back. Not blaming my mom either I just think she doesn’t really understand what I’m saying I feel. I’ve talked to her about it a lot and she usually just tries to support me and tell me things will get better or “you’re just in a rut right now”. Which can sometimes piss me off. But she is in no way doubting me or anything like that. She even told me to go see a therapist or doctor. But I don’t know where to go or even how. Who do I go see to get a diagnosis? I don’t want to be brushed off again. Instead of trying to self analyze my problems and try to treat them my own ways I’d like to finally get closure and see if I really am depressed, or something else, or just dramatic.

Hung myself in my closet using a length of cable (failed, obviously) should I go to the hospital?

I didn't know where else to ask this, sorry if this isn't the right sub for it. But, the title, and it happened a few days ago. My throat has been hurting recently, mainly because I was sick but I'm sure the failure of my suicide attempt didn't help things, should I get myself checked out? I also have what looks to be scabbed over carpet burn splotches on my shoulder, wrist and my knee, but I don't remember rubbing against carpet, could've been when I blacked out though.

How do I become a person?

Ok That might be a weird question but I needed to ask. I’ve had depression all my life. During early childhood, teenage years, and now as an adult. Happiness is exhausting. Nothing is relaxing. Everything is just boring. I’m either angry or I’m numb. I don’t even take showers to feel clean anymore. I just take them so I can waste time and feel like I can go to bed sooner. Here’s my problem. I don’t remember if I developed a personality before my depression took over. I don’t know if I was a real person as a child, or if I was just a puppet or something. I feel like I’m floating in life and I don’t know how to develop a personality. Does anyone have any ideas at all where I can start? Things that used to calm me down just make me angry and frustrated. Thank you