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My girlfriend has depression

So my girlfriend of 2 years has told me she’s been struggling with depression. She has times where she wants nothing to do with me and she won’t do hardly anything to take care of her self. I haven’t ever had this struggle so I don’t know how it feels and can’t really relate but I want to help her. She won’t go to a doctor for it and I’m trying everything to help her. She loves getting letters so I have written her one that helped but I don’t know where to go from here. (I’m 23M she’s 22F) (I’m sorry if this goes against the rules I read them and didn’t see anything about it)

My grandma just passed away how do I deal with the loss

So back story I was basically raised by my grandma I was always at her house I was always with her I was always close she was in the hospital/nursing home for 3 months Sunday night/Monday morning she was rushed over to the er cause her BP was low af then that night me and my mom and my grandmas sister went to go vist her but I didnt think it was that bad so I took my grandma puppy home cause he had to go to the bathroom and she knew then she was gonna pass so that night she was transferred to a different hospital and they was talking to her then she just feel asleep and never woke up we decided to take her off life support cause that's what she wanted how do I deal with this I never got to say goodbye while she was alive I got to see her while she was unconscious and I told her I love her but I just feel like I failed her

Please help me I don't know what's wrong with me , I'm self destructive unintentionally without even knowing why and I'm getting random pain in the stomach from time to time + a constant headache

I don't know why but I can't seem to go to school , every night I'm excited about going and make my backpack plan my day but every morning my mind is blank i know i have to go but i just dont and when my body finally let me I have like 4 or 5 panick attacks there. Today I just cried contemplating the failure that I am not being able to go get an education like everybody else what the fuck is happening to me I used to go even when i only slept one hour and now I'm getting 10 please help me I'm so confused at what is going on right now why am I not the master of me anymore, have I lose myself to depression finally?

Not sure what my passion is and feeling lost

I'm posting this here because I've been in and out of depression most of my life. I feel like I'm slowly getting out of the "hole" but I'm confused in that I don't know where to go from here. People say to find your passion, or do what you love, but thinking about what my passion could be makes me feel even more lost. I've always been a jack of all trades type of person, and I enjoy a little bit of everything. But nothing comes to mind when I'm asked what I like to do, or what my ambitions are. I guess I'm overwhelmed with the thought because I feel like I want to do everything. I have no idea where to start, and I don't have any energy or motivation to get started. Does anyone else feel this way? Can someone recommend how to choose a path and find motivation to follow it? What are things you can do to avoid getting sucked back into depression?

I followed the plan, and everything sucks.

So, I was a good kid, got good grades, went to uni, graduated with a good degree, met a good man, married, and had kids. I fell out of love with my chosen career, and so bounced from job to job before my husband and I decided I would stay at home with the kids. Since then, we’ve moved far away from our friends and family - for husband’s work, and I do like living here - but I have lost almost all my friends, and since my parents died, no one in my family really talks to me any more. My kids were never much involved in any school activities, so I never made friends with other moms. Our neighbors never seem to leave their homes. When my youngest graduated, I decided I wanted to go back to work. My health threw me a roadblock or two, so I didn’t really start looking until February. I reworked my CV/resume, and began applying. Nothing. A few years ago, my husband started what might be called a mid-life crisis. He wants to open our marriage, and while we tabled these discussions because of things we’re dealing with, including financial struggles, he has started bringing it up again. So, I basically don’t have a family, have very few friends, my health isn’t great, I don’t have the money to fix/replace/buy things that are needed, can’t get a call - let alone an interview - for a job, and my husband - who has been my rock up until now - is angry and resentful because I don’t want to talk about opening our marriage right now. I followed the plan, and now I hate my life. Getting a job would help so much, but my degree is old and my experience is old, and no one wants me. I feel useless and awful. These are office jobs; husband and I agreed other jobs would not work because of health issues mostly, lower pay secondly. I have no one to talk to - friends aren’t that close; family dead or won’t talk to me; can’t afford therapy - so I am venting here. If anyone read this far, thank you.

Tips on not distancing friends? Also, what options are available to get therapy with your parents being able to intervene?

I been in a downward spiral. I have had forceful intrusive thoughts of suicide. It like someone nagging you, but you just think of those words over and over. This is the worst it's ever been. My parents aren't allowing me to get therapy since my mom said "nothing is wrong with you, you can not go because they may give you medicine." I understand she is worried and doesn't want "crazy" written on my personal record. (her words not mine) I was looking forward to join a free program called better hope, but she said there wasn't enough knowledge. I had a serious break down where I talked to my friends, and the comforted me. I promised them after this I won't need a shoulder, so I won't bother yall. I was hopeful that my mom would green light it. So, now I'm just need help, but I pushed everyone away. We still talk, but it feels wrong for me to unload. I been feeling really selfish from the times I did try to talk to them.

Didn't go out of bed in the whole weekend

I've been feeling like a piece of trash lately. I'm not doing anything for myself. Any free time that i have, i spend it in bed, doing nothing. I only go out to work, and only because I have to, but it's getting harder to get through the day as being at work is not easy to tolerate for me. I don't work out anymore, have been skipping meals and either sleep too much or too little. I'm paying less attention to myself and my responsibilities and I'm worried this is gonna ruin my life sometime soon. What should I do?

Anti-Depressants effect on sex?

Hey I've only just recently lost my virginity and Ive been on anti depressanta for a few months. I heard they could make it harder to cum and that has been the case even with masturbation. It took longer to finish after I started the treatment. Well when I lost my virginity this week I just dint finish, as Ive had two sessions of 40+min and cant finish. It dosent go soft or anything, I care about my partner and she is trying to fulfill my needs in bed so its not that. Also the sensation is dulled, Ive heard sex is supposed to feel amaizing but I felt little to nothing in the way of pleasure at first. The second time I had been off anti depressants for a day and did feel some more pleasure but It was dulled. When I mean pleasure I think its more accurate to say stimulation. Im 20, M if that helps my partner is Female its that helps too. Any advice on what to do? Ive been doing a lot better but I dont want to stop usimg my anti depressants just to feel something when im with my partner. Has anyone gone through this?

My fear of failing is stressing me out and no one seems to care

So I’m in high school, where I barely find the motivation to consistently work for good grades and keep them up and my family doesn’t seem to understand that I’m trying to do well and every time I get even one question wrong on a test or I mess up everyone tells me that I have to do better and that I’ll be stuck without a good job or good future and it’s honestly terrifying and I’m constantly under stress. I’ve joined a bunch of after school stuff with important commitments (5 out of 7 days I’m at school from 8am to 6 or 7pm, sometimes even later, the other 2 I use for homework and finding a time to talk to my friends) in order to make my family happy, and they’re actually treated like a job(sometimes I get paid) but all I’m ever told is that I have to get a “real” job. I’m sorry for the rant, I’m freaking out, any advice is welcomed. Also sorry that this is difficult to read since it’s in one paragraph.

Advice to an 18 y/o depressed closeted bisexual dude who mostly has anti-lgbt religious family & friends and is contemplating suicide?

(this post got no replies in the depression subreddit so here I go) I'm an 18 y/o dude. I'm starting my first year of college this August. I've been thinking about coming out as bi to a few friends that I care about and ones I hold dear, but I'm afraid of what might happen if I do it. We're all Christians (my family's Catholic). I know a lot of people I care about won't approve of me when/if I come out. I project myself as this "straight" guy who's "just an ally/supporter" for LGBTQ rights. I've fought with some religious friends as I defended the topic of same-sex civil unions online & offline. It's been about 10 months since I last went to a Sunday church service where I used to talk to some friends who go to church there. I still go to my neighborhood Catholic church because of my dad who put me in the choir along with my brother. My dad's also the president of our Catholic church choir. He's also VERY outspoken about being anti-LGBTQ. I find it hard to come out to my family because we're super religious Catholics. There was a time when my Born Again Christian cousin (female) came out, they recommended her to go to "conversion therapy". I was one of the few family members who know this along with my older other cousin and some of my uncles/aunts. I won't be coming out to my family. Maybe not yet. Or maybe not ever, considering the factors I've just mentioned. My dad and I would probably fight if my family finds out. It's ironic that it's hard to be open to your own family whom you share the same house with. Still haven't catch up with a friend/church leader from church/school. I feel bad for ghosting/avoiding friends from this church I used to go to (Born Again Christian). The last time I went to that church was July 2018. There's this one friend, let's call him "Matthew*", who used to be my youth group leader and is also a fan of RuPaul's Drag Race and Queer Eye. We both went to the same school (same grade but different strands) in Senior High. However, I'm not so sure if he'd react positively if I openly accept my bisexuality since the church he serves in has made anti-lgbt preachings. When we graduated Senior High School on April last month, I messaged him & promised we'd catch up with each other about life since we haven't talked/seen each other at church for a long time, but we still haven't done it and still haven't talked to each other ever since. Maybe I might come out as bi to a few close friends soon, or maybe not. I've noticed my teacher from 11th grade seems to be an ally and I even consider him a great close friend, so he's definitely one of the first people I'll come out to (IF I decide to do it). I think to myself that some things are better left unsaid, but these unsaid words are killing me, and they've been building up in my head for a long time. It's hard to be yourself when you're not what most people want/expect you to be. I've been thinking about leaving this Earth, maybe write individual notes to each of my friends/family before I go. The only reasons why I still haven't pursued this is because I don't want to hurt my family & friends, and I'm afraid of dying without fulfillment (for now, at least). And even if I come out to a few friends, what if the word comes out and it got spread to some people until it might reach my family/friends and they avoid me? It's just hard to wrap my head around. There's always those things & thoughts bringing me down. I consider myself an agnostic now. I just want to be accepted but I fear the people/family/friends around me won't take it well. I don't know anymore.

can anyone give advice or at least relate to this?

Lately I've had a lot of bad days which usually means crying a few times/hours a day. I don't even think about all that time that I wasted or all the emotions I can't deal with, but I am kind of scared for my body. I can feel my whole body clenching and my brain feels like burning or exploding or something I cannot even put into words. I'm afraid that it's affecting my physical health and since I don't see killing myself as an option, I would prefer to have my body working... I can't even tell if this post is making sense but I had to put it out of my head. I feel like saying that out loud even to my therapist would sound too real and dramatic.

Guys, I’m so tired of living

I don’t what to do. Nothing makes me happy and I’m so tired of being alive. I’m always so stressed out and sad and tired and angry. I hate talking to people. The things that used to bring me joy don’t and I’m just really sad all the time. I think about suicide all the time and I have come really close to actually doing it but then I get scared at the last moment. One of these days however I might just actually do it and that just sucks. I have nobody and I feel so empty. I don’t know what to do.

Pl help.I am very emotionally fragile. I hate who I am right now.

umm..this is my first post on reddit and I haven't been a stable emotional state for quite sometime now. so...coming to the details, I\[18/F\] am having a lot of insecurities, self esteem and confidence issues and I guess all this started during high school, when I was at the bottom of the class and i began to feel inferior to my peers and no matter how hard I tried I still couldn't catch up(I was a straight A student before high school). and then came college. well, college isn't that bad. I have always been a very emotional person and I experience a lot of mood swings. So lately i have been quite down and stressed as I am very anxious about my career(still clueless). and as a result I haven't been able to control my emotions. It feels like I'm walking on thin ice and anyone,literally anyone, can make a small remark and *\*shatter\** and I'm back to drowning in a cold sea of emotions.I spend a lot of time crying. I just have no control over it. I want to stop crying, i tell my self to stop crying and i can't and its so goddamn frustrating. It makes me feel weak(I am already physically weak and underweight). I know expressing emotions and letting it out is healthy, but what if you are feeling so emotionally saturated with all the self hate and worries that you'd cry to anything. I at least wish i had enough control so i wouldn't cry in front of someone who is not close. but nope. I have zero control. let me quote this one incident. a few days ago, I snapped at my elder brother when he was pressuring me to do learn things for my career. He kept forcing his point and it made me feel small and incompetent and like he doesn't trust my decisions on what I wanted to learn so I began to get all defensive and I very rudely told him off and avoided him ever since. I spent a lot of time crying and affected by it. And just when I had slowly recovered from it, a family member on hearing what exactly happened made a remark that "I think he's better than you, for the family" which means that I am too impulsive and rude and emotional and is bound to create problems in a family.I still haven't recovered from that. I didn't want to cry, because my uncle and I don't exactly see eye to eye and I wanted to disregard this remark and get going with my day. BUT i began to tear up the next second. I cried for hours. I hated myself. Do i wish to be rude? no. Am I this emotional by choice? no. Do feel crying is the solution to all my problems? no. And my family thinks otherwise for all the above questions I want to seek professional help. Having been wanting to for three years now. But here's the thing. I am from India. I am still in college. I live with my family and they provide for me. They will never accept depression as real and a therapist is a big **NO**. I can never open up to them about this and I can't secretly visit one, nor can I afford it myself. I am writing here because I want to change this. I don't want to be controlled by my emotions all the time, I don't want to use rudeness as defence. I am so insecure and I am desperately looking for ways to improve. **tl;dr** I am a depressed, insecure, self hating person who cries way too much and is controlled by her emotions and is desperately looking for ways to improve

my life is literally ruined,i will kill myself tomorrow

lemme start by saying when i was in junior school my grades were A+. and i were acing every exam literally,but in highschool? my life went downhill,i became lonley,depressed,failure,no one would talk to me cause of my anxiety,i got bullied by everyone i know,even girls used to bully me cause im shy and have social anxiety,even tho all of that i managed after highschool to get into college,i was happy and i thought i sorted life out,at first semester when the mid terms (quizzes) started i used to rank 4 or 5 out of 40,i used to study,BUT everyone continued to ignore me,i would do lab hours alone,eat food alone,and ya u guessed it my classmates used to talk shit behind my back,i once put my phone to record what they say when im not there,i expected no one to talk about me,but all of them were like why does dude come to uni,he's useless,i felt dead at that moment its like something my spirit out and just lemme control this human vessel,no feelings inside,nowdays i sleep 10+ hours,barely study,and i spent most of my hours when im not sleeping on porn...,just i should do it? do i have something to live for? im 22 and i never know how does it feel to be loved/or even liked for fuck sake,i just want someone to message me without asking for favors,why humans are so fucking selfiesh

I need someone just to tell me to go ahead to a friend's party

Normally when asked to go out to a party I would make up an excuse but I was asked way ahead of the date and couldn't find an adequate one. Plus I don't want to blow off my friend again. But that being said I feel sick out of nerves, I'm overthinking really small things like how many people there? What time should I call a taxi? What can I bring my couple of drinks in? And the rational part of my brain is fully aware this is stupid but i can't get over it. Supposed to go at ~7:30 ish To be clear I've been once before and thoroughly enjoyed it. But still can't shake feeling really sick because what if I make an idiot of myself? What do I do when in there? Am I even wanted? I'm really just looking for someone else to tell me to go to affirm my rational brains decisions. Thanks in advance. I know this is kinda a petty issue for this sub so sorry.

I have a problem with getting mental help.

My parents are a bit off. If their friend or a family member needs help, they will put their entire life on hold. But if their kids need help, it’s rarely done. I’ve tried for months to get them to make a few doctors appointments. Specifically my psychiatrist. But no matter how many times I ask, it never gets done. In fact, about six months ago, I went to the dentist to get some cavities filled. I had cavities on the top and bottom sets, so, they said that we would have to come to two separate appointments to properly get them filled. Well, we went for the top set, and I’ve asked my parents to schedule the second appointment ever since. However, my main concern is going to a psychiatrist. Mainly because for about two and a half years now, I’ve had problems with the way my brain functions, and my grasp on reality. I just haven’t felt right. But in that time, I never considered going to a psychiatrist because i had been to one before, and they did prescribe me medication, so I thought that if there was something wrong, they would have found it years prior. But i spoke with some friends about it and they told me it would be smart to go back. That was a few months ago and I haven’t been able to convince my parents that I should go back. It’s not a financial issue, my insurance covers everything And it’s not a time issue, neither of my parents are working. My parents are the “There ain’t nothing you can’t fix yourself” type, and don’t understand much about mental help. It’s getting so bad that my mother won’t hardly talk to anyone because she’s either too lazy, to too buried in some kind of device to do anything. Then, when I ask my aunt or grandparents for help, my parents get pissed and complain about how I make them look bad. Don’t get it wrong though, they are great in most other regards, but when it comes to me actually needing help, they really don’t do much. When it comes to real responsibilities, they are just all around lazy. If anything can’t be solved within a minute or two, they won’t hardly even look in its direction. I’m near graduating, so it’s not like I’m just some middle schooler looking for attention. I’m actually a bit concerned about my mental help, and some of the people I’ve talked to as well, but at this point, I just don’t know how to get that help. Any advice?

Someone else in my skin would be happy, I've no right to be depressed and sinking into alcoholism, yet here I am

I'm a mid 20s male, college graduate, living in a big city, have a great job. Yet I think about suicide every day. But I feel like I don't have a right to. Other people don't have a lot of the things I have. I'm objectively very lucky and have everything I could want to be happy. So why is life so hard? I've started drinking almost every day. I'll go to the bar alone and drink. I'll drink until I get sleepy. Then I go home, and sleep. The next morning I wake up, go to the gym, and go to work. Then after work I hit the bar again. Alone. I'm just so lonely. Why don't people like me. I try not to be an asshole. I really do. I don't think I'm an asshole? But I think people are uncomfortable around me. I think I sour their moods. I try not to be negative though. I try really hard. I feel my youth wasting away. I feel the passage of time very heavily. These are supposed to be some great years. Maybe even the best yesrs. Single, big city, acceptably good looking. College certainly wasn't the best years for me. So maybe this is when my life is "supposed to" peak? But I have no friends. I have no one to hang out with. I don't have a girlfriend. I have no one I connect with deeply. I've tried cognitive behavioral therapy. But as soon as I stopped going (feeling like I was fixed) the problems began again. I've been medicated for depression consistently for years now. I've even added exercise to my routine at the behest of my doctor. Improved my diet. Stopped smoking weed. I feel like I've done everything. What can I do now? I feel trapped. I wish I would just die. Life has been very kind to me, and my stupid ass can't take advantage of it. Someone with a better personality or someone more capable would have a very happy life in my skin. I think of killing myself every day. I won't do it. But the thought, that's not normal right? This turned into a rant and I apologize for that.

My self care plan, and I'd appreciate some further advice.

Hello everyone, I'm a 26 year old woman and I suffer from depression. I'm in therapy and on antidepressants. I attempted suicide in April 2018 but, since then, I've made a lot of progress and I'm quite happy with myself. But loneliness is still a major trigger for my depression. Tomorrow I'll leave for another city because I have to participate in a public competition for a workplace (I'm in Italy so, in order to work for the Government, you have to participate to public selections). Problem: I don't know anyone in this city so I'll be alone for seven days. Yes, I'll meet other people who apply for the same selection, but at the end of the day I'll return to my hotel room and I'll be alone. And I'm very scared. This is my self care plan, that I organized with my therapist: \- focusing on the public selection; \- bringing my favourite books; \- Netflix for the nights; \- going to fine restaurants and enjoying good food \- visiting the city in my spare time \- calling my SO and/or friends if I really feel overwhelmed Do you have any other advice? I'm a bit anxious. Thank you!

Lonley and my own fault

So I recently been in a very bad time noticing that my friends actually are very toxic when we have a fight they tend to hurt me on purpose with things I told them. or well forget to invite me to stuff etc. so I cutted some of them off and trying to reconnect to people that showed interest in me. But I pushed them away because i habe major trust issues because if my past. But they don't seem to be that interested which I can understand but it still hurt. And I do found a nice group of two peps to chill but of course they aren't always available and even if I'm hanging out with them I tend to feel lonley thinking about my past and stuff, not always tho it mostly happens when I see other friend hanging around questioning why they didn't invite me. Or why other "friends" don't look out for me. I know everyone has a life and is busy but why can't I be a part of it. I mostly think it's my fault (but I don't think always like that). But it's hard to keep that mindset away if this was always your whole love friends coming and leaving.

What to say when you want to book an appoitment with a psychatrist?

So I've been meaning to make an appoitment with someone for a year now, and never found the motivation or strenght to do it. I'm just out of a very dark/suicidal thoughts week, and I want it to be over, and therefore finally seek professional for good. One of the thing that always kept me from calling is, "what do I say?" ​ I know it sounds silly, but, really, what do I say lol? I have no idea Is just "hi, I'd like to book an appointment." enough? Or should I make it sound like I \*really\* need help? (because I do) ​ Thanks everyone, and have a good one

At risk of losing the only thing I have left... Please help :( Sorry it's a long one

I lost my job. I am being evicted. I have a 5 year old living with me and an 11 year old who doesn't. And my boyfriend is now saying he wants to move back home to Norway... I have no idea what to do, I'm a complete mess and feel like my life is at a cross roads. One leads to potentially hurting my daughters, one leads to a literal dead end for me... which will hurt them more. ​ Bit of a background: I'm 31, been abused my entire life, by parents, by siblings, by random strangers and ex partners. I've been in abusive relationships, mentally and emotionally abused, sexually abused at least 5 or 6 times... I've been raped. I lost custody of my eldest daughter because her father kidnapped her after I tried seeking help for her anger issues. He refused to bring her home after a visit and the Social Services let him get away with it. My youngest daughter was 8 months old when her father had a heart attack (aged 28) on our sofa while I put her to bed. He died instantly. I moved cities and my mother disowned me, so did my brother and my grandparents. I have nobody. ​ I ended up in a string of very abusive relationships, got engaged to a man who left me no choice... All the while, I was talking about all of this with my best friend. He was so supportive, so wonderful... I was going to move to the US (again, coerced and manipulated into it) but I had to meet my best friend first, as it was our one and only chance of meeting in person. So I flew over to Norway to be with him and hang out for 3 days. Nothing happened. Nothing at all... but it was obvious we both wanted it to. He gave me the strength to leave my abusive fiance (Who by this point had sent death threats and abusive messages to said best friend and all my other friends, threatened to kill himself and his 3 year old daughter if I didn't move over there.) I became a target for abuse from his family after we split up. ​ Fast forward to today- My best friend and I have been a couple for just over a year. Things have been amazing until he moved here.. We both got a job in the same place, and I became massively stressed and depressed. The stress of everything changing hit me hard and I admit I stopped showing him any affection. I hate myself for it, we argued ALL the time. We lost our jobs due to some REAL shady stuff going on at work (tax evasion, illegal activity etc) and he told me he was moving back but not leaving me. ​ This is where I am now. I've been back to my normal self the last few days, feeling more love for him than I ever have, wanting to show him... But I have just under 2 months to vacate our house. With little to no money in the bank and a daughter to look after. It's her birthday and we'd planned a huge party ... 8 days before we're due to leave. ​ If he leaves and I'm on my own again, it \*WILL\* kill me. I can't lose this connection with him. I can't be on my own again. I can't stand the thought of not having him beside me every day, of spending the next gosh knows however many years only seeing him a few times a year, or only over Skype... ​ But if I move to Norway with him... My girls would be 1000 miles apart instead of 200... My youngest daughter won't see her grandparents as often. She's already lost so much as well... She'll not know the language, she'll not have her friends... I'm torn... and I'm a mess. ​ Do I hurt my daughter in the short term... or do I just let myself die and be freed from this eternal struggle for good? I'm fed up of fighting. I'm fed up of everything always going wrong. I WANT to run away and I know that if it was just me, I'd go. I'd drop everything except the essentials and just be with him in Norway and never look back. But I have to think of my kids, right? I feel it's make or break time... for all of us... My heart says to just go. But my logical side is unsure. ​ Please help me guys... I have no fight left in me.

Am I a sociopath...?

This is a throwaway account. So, I have been struggling with depression for quite some time now, and I am very very concerned that I may be beginning to show sociopathic tendencies. I have a friend, who, for anonymities sake, shall remain nameless. He is my best friend, and has been for a long time. But lately, I have noticed that I feel almost like I want to know everything he does and when he does it, and he is part of a group that I recently left, and is, in fact,in a leadership position there. I left for several accumulative reasons, but one of them was because since he was in a leadership position, we where not able to converse at the group. It was hard for both of us, but we tried to follow the rules. After I left, I started having trouble with the nights that the meetings where taking place, like it was hard for me to accept the he was still there and I wasn't. I'm also noticing that when we have something planned and he backs out because of, for example, work, I find that I am way more bothered by that than I should be. So, am I a sociopath, and what can I do to stop these tendencies? Thanks in advance. Tim (not my real name, of course)

I have always been the "supportive" and "strong" friend, but now I'm losing it...

All my life I've tried to do the right thing. I usually give counsel to my closest friends without asking for something in return. I am the strong, the one who never gets sad or has emotional issues. Nevertheless, I am losing it. I am tired of being "strong"; I am tired of appearing "happy" all the time (I do it for them, not because I am in the good mood all the time). My family does not know it either, but I have to go on with my life for they need me. I am tired of loving everybody without receiving a portion of that love. I learned to love my loneliness, but now it feels like I need someone, but finding a partner who wants something serious is extremely hard (and I am not a Greek god, to be honest). I do not like dependency, however, I'd love to have someone to talk to besides my friends. I lost my best friend last year since I fell in love with her (don't do it, worst idea ever). Does anybody feel this way? Does anyone go through the same thing?

Feels like depression has permanently fucked up my brain, what helps with brain fog?

Back in school, I was super academic. Now I’ve dropped out of uni and manage to fuck up things as simple as giving people the right change daily because my head is just a cloud of static. I’m no longer in the suicidal stage of depression, and I guess I’m feeling better than I was. But I can’t focus, and I feel incredibly dumb whenever I try to do something. My motivation is still pretty non-existent, and I end up anxious because things aren’t done and things are a mess, but too overwhelmed to do anything. What helps the brain recover from depression? What can I do to start improving the brain fog and lack of motivation? I want to be who I was before, but it seriously feels like my brain is permanently fucked.

Is it right to help someone commit suicide?

I understand. And helping them doesn't do anything. People will say I am guilty. Murder perhaps. All they want to do is die their life is broken. Sickness has overwhelm them. They just want to go. I'm the only guy who understands why she wants to go. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. It's her vessel...the only thing stopping me is my love for her. So I made her suffer more by not dying. Sacrificed her happiness for me. Selfish of me from my pov. Tremendous love and compassion can't solve everything.

Anyone here have reverse seasonal affective disorder - i.e.: summer depression? If so, could use some advice

For the past two summers like clock work around the last week in July I have been hit with the above - I don’t know what else it is other than reverse SAD. It usually starts with a general few months of feeling good and stable - meaning I’m feeling normal, motivated and generally happy with some dips that I’m used to for the most part. The past two summers I will have a really good day/week/ whatever and then one morning I’ll wake up and feel “hungover” or “in a fog” even though I haven’t done anything to bring this on (like drinking, using substances). Also, I’m quite active physically - so that’s also strange. What’s even more frustrating are the physical symptoms- my legs feel like noodles and I feel like I cannot “wake up” despite caffeine and Adderall. Two summers ago it hit me at a physical therapy appointment- literally felt so incredibly off that I had to sit down for a minute. The PT said “maybe it was “menopause”. Wanted to throttle him, lol. In a span of 24 hours I went from a normal mood to really off. It progressed to the point where I spent most of August in bed - only getting up to use the washroom and do basic things. I vividly recall literally crawling to clean the cat box my body felt so heavy. I actually felt paralyzed. I also recall having to return and item I borrowed from a friend and having to drive and being so out of it I wasn’t sure I could. It felt as if I was wading through deep water or mud. Last summer I wasn’t expecting it Bc I thought the summer before was “just a fluke” or “hormones” but I vividly recall the day before I was very productive- did a lot around the house and generally felt “up”. The next day when I got out of bed, my legs were like noodles going down the stairs and I felt “off”. I was sitting drinking coffee when my husband looked at me and asked if I was ok. I thought I was just tired, but as the days progressed I got worse and worse. It took me months to recover Bc I couldn’t find any type of add on medication that I could tolerate that helped. During these spells I literally feel as if I’m drugged - I am searching for words, I have no energy. I feel as if I’m literally impaired or like I have taken a sedative. I understand it must sound dramatic, but I’ve not been able to find anything (medication wise) that is able to help. I had a gene site test and I’ve tried the meds listed in my “green bucket” and the side effects were so intense I couldn’t continue on them, not to mention they’re not covered by our insurance- so we paid over $1500.00 last summer on meds that didn’t work. I find it difficult to find other people who have this and especially difficult to convey to my prescribing Dr. what I’m going through. Additionally, I don’t understand why it just happened so recently and without much warning- like “cause and effect”. I have had depression most of my adult life and have been able to manage it with medication and lifestyle changes, but this summer thing is a different animal. Now it’s June and I’m hoping that I can do some prevention as I feel like I’ve exhausted meds. options. I have an appointment with my provider this week and I need to be as pro active as I can now in case I have this experience again. I just don’t know what to ask for at this point, nor what to even do - or if I even have to do anything. Maybe it won’t happen - I mean anything is possible, but I feel like I need to at least try to be prepared. Anyone have experience with this and any tips? I am thinking of preparing myself for a ketamine infusion or something this year. I just cannot imagine going through it again Bc it lasted so long this past summer -well into the fall and I got to the point of being so low it was scary. A Dr I see occasionally suggested planning a vacation during the time when I usually feel this come on - sounds good, but also - could be a train wreck. Anyway - anything would be helpful. Thanks for reading.

It's my birthday.....

.....I'm not bothered about that, never been a big deal. This is the first one without my dad. I'm a mess. I've not got out of bed for the last two days and now I know why. This is the first 'milestone' I suppose. My counsellor says I need to try to find my 'new normal'. This is my new normal and I don't like it. I wish he was here, I miss him so much and I've no one to tell. Don't get me wrong - I'm back at work, I'm trying to plan a new future. It's just, sometimes, it smashes me in the face and the only thing I can do is crumple up into a ball and try to breathe. How am I supposed to carry on with life without the only person who advised me? I have literally no one to talk to about life stuff, help me make grown up decisions, tell me I'm being unreasonable? I suppose we are all children until we don't have a parental figure, then we have to become the grown up. I'm 44.

I have given up

This is a throw away account, obviously.. I don’t know what to do at this point. I do everything that is supposed to help me get better, such as eating 3 healthy meals a day, exercising, spending time with others, going to therapy, taking antidepressants ect.. yet I still want to end my life. I want to die.. Holding all of these suicidal thoughts in my head every day and hurting so badly feels like it is driving me insane. I’m so tired. I don’t want to live. The last time I felt this alone was when I had my last suicide attempt.

Backsliding into my depression

This is my first post here and I definitely need some help right now. ​ I have diagnosed PTSD and depression and graduated off of anti-depressants in December. It had been a steady rise out of depression since then but these last two weeks have been a quick backslide into my depression. I feel like I'm losing autonomy of my mood and it's making everything impossible again. I can't focus on work or my relationship. I'm having intense suicidal thoughts again and having horrible nightmares. I lost my ability to take good care of myself. I know about the backslide but I didn't realize it could come on so quickly. I feel like I'm losing so badly and I need some help. I can't afford therapy anymore and I can't see my therapist so I feel completely stuck. Does anyone else have any experience with this? I'm trying to focus on my work but I can't. I can't even enjoy things I used to love. I can feel the heaviness setting in.

Need help figuring out alternative reasons why I'm experiencing excessive sleep, extreme tiredness, low energy, no motivation but stable mood

Intro: I'm primarily looking for anyone that has had a similar experience as stated in the title. I'm going to try and keep this as pithy as possible for convenience but there's just so much. I will try to keep up with comments to discuss or answer questions before my Dr appt tomorrow. Thank you for taking time to read and for any advice given. Gotta be careful bc Google is a black hole, y'all. Renunciation: I want to elaborate what I mean by "alternative reasons". I'm looking for other possible medical issues other than Depression. I know I have Depression, that's not the issue at hand. If you must suggest that it's Depression, please be constructive and give me something specific to work with. Background (Major Depression, A.D.D. and bipolar II): - Diagnosed with Major Depression 8 years ago. * been going to the psych Dr, taking medication, and going to therapy since then. I've been meditating occasionally for 5 years. * I have yet to find a medication or combination of medications that is effective for me for more than 6-12 months. - Diagnosed with A.D.D. back in grade school * took Adderall for a couple years but stopped * started taking it again in college 11 years ago and mostly consistently since then. * within the past 4 years, I cannot stay awake the whole day without Adderall/Vyvanse/Focalin. - No official bipolar II diagnosis but Dr's have brought it up * Almost all of the mood stabilizers and antipsychotics I tried did NOT help me and made me so much worse * I really don't feel I've ever been hypomanic as even my best moods are like a regular person would be. More recently: - Started taking 50 mg Zoloft (sertraline) while weening off of Viibryd (vilazodone) in mid-April. - Have been taking lamictal (lamotrigine) almost as long as I've taking medication for depression * I've been wanting to get off of it for years but I either haven't been consistently stable enough or it was not a good time due to school or work * finally started tapering off today To the point: Throughout the past month, aforementioned symptoms have been worsening (excessive sleep, extreme tiredness, low energy, no motivation). No matter the amount of sleep I get (4hrs, 6hrs, 8hrs, 10hrs, 20hrs) I feel overwhelmingly exhausted when I wake up. Any energy or motivation I have seems erratic and is dwindling. Motivation is very up-and-down but progressively more down. My depression has always been heavily tied to excessive sleep and lethargy. These symptoms are definitely nothing new to me, HOWEVER, it's always been accompanied by very low moods. At this time my mood is decently stable and that's the baffling pay. I wouldn't say I'm the happiest I've ever been but I'm stable. Instinctively I assumed it was a med problem since my symptoms are indicative but my Dr isn't entirely convinced that's the case since my mood is stable. She didn't up my Zoloft but we finally decided to taper off lamotrigine. She doesn't really know what's causing the excessive sleep and exhaustion. She mentioned that it's possible the Vyvanse is negatively contributing even though it's pretty much the only reason I can stay awake all day. She suggested there might be something else medically wrong. As luck would have it, I see my primary Dr tomorrow for my yearly exam so she told me to bring it up. I've had my thyroid tested twice, the last time was a year ago and that checked out fine both times. I don't recall getting treated for anemia ever so maybe it's that? Any other ideas? I'd like to get a better idea before I go to the Dr. I brought up the possibility of doing a sleep study, but she said they probably won't be able to do much about excessive sleep, it's mostly for people having trouble getting or staying asleep. But she said if/when my primary Dr rules out any non-depression related reason I'm so tired constantly, she could refer me to a sleep specialist. I'm sorry for the god-awful formatting and thank you again!

Dealing with my first breakup / not going well

My (M21) first girlfriend (F18) broke up with me 2 months ago after a 4 month relationship. I know it isn't that long, but we moved kind of fast and had high hopes form the beginning (it was both of ours first relationship). She wanted to stay a virgin till marriage and we same the same religious values, which I loved and respected so much which I think is part of the reason its so hard on me. But we did have some differences, yet I still tried to imagine a future with her even though I was never 100% sure. 2 months later, and I'm dealing with it terribly. I keep imagining a future with her, constantly think about her, mope about it, bring it up with others to the point where I think I annoy them, and I seeing counseling for advice and to find out if I might have social anxiety and/or depression. Its just been so hard and I'm trying all of the advice that everyone is giving me, but she is the only thing on my mind and I debate on whether or not I was just in it for the relationship or her. At first I didn't know, but I really did love her, and still do. Some of my other friends are also going on dates and have girlfriends so I keep comparing it with them and wonder how they do it. I'm just in a rough spot and somedays I just want to end it. Thanks to anyone who listened or comments. ​ Edit: she broke it off because she is transferring and switching majors, so its bringing a lot of stress into her life and doesn't feel like she has time for a relationship, and was starting to think because of that that we seem to have different futures in mind. Although now I am rethinking my entire future since she said that, and I didn't really know 100% what my future looked like, just that I wanted her in it.

Should i seek for help to a psychiatrist or should I self heal?

I dont go to a doctor because i dont want my family to know or beacause it will make my contition true..I am afraid because latly my self-destructive pesonality has gone a little to far(heavily drinking and sometimes driving,self harm,losing friends).I've been depressive for a long time,have a LOT of insecurities and anxienty recently..I dont know what to do,the only thing that I know is than if I continue like that I am not heading to a good place because I am hiding it from EVERYONE..I am 19,thanks.

I’m not sure what’s happening to me.

So a few weeks ago I was going to kill myself I wanted to die and had plans to do so. I literally had loaded the gun and had it in my nightstand. Then I met a person on here that had seen my posts and wanted to help me. We got to talking and eventually I realized that this friend really cares about me and has gone through worse than I have. He even made me feel like I belong. But ever since I’ve met him I’ve been so much happier. I don’t think about hurting myself anymore. The dark thoughts are almost nonexistent. But my anxiety has been through the roof. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be happy like this. I’m so scared to fall back down into it. Has anyone else experienced something similar? It’s so weird that a positive thing in my life has made my anxiety so bad...

20/F/UK Stressed out of my mind and need someone to talk to

I had my first panic attack during exam season just a month ago. I break down a lot because I don't know how to cope with stress. I'm currently taking on a software engineering internship and am terrified because I know absolutely nothing and I feel like its causing my mental state to spiral downwards even more. ​ On my first day of my internship they asked what sorts of hobbies I had. I genuinely couldn't answer and just said that I watch a lot of movies. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I used to escape my problems by switching between Youtube and Reddit for hours on end, but now I don't even find that enjoyable anymore. ​ I don't feel like I have friends that I can approach and would really like to have someone to talk to.

Overthinking is killing me

I have always been shy, and was recently diagnosed with severe social anxiety. I have also been depressed for about 3 years now, after I had been bullied by some " friends " in middle school, 7th grade. 8th grade was even worse, I had lost all my friends, and had turned into a loner. My freshman year was the same, and the teachers even started to pick on me. That's when I left, and decided to stay at home and do online school. Both of my parents are hard working, so they couldn't stay home with me, so I had absolutely no motivation at all to work on school, and barely passed. I am now a Sophomore and only have online friends. I overthink EVERYTHING to the point where I can't even text my friends online anymore, because I worry I will say something weird. It has never gotten this bad, I used to be funny, and I didn't overthink as much. I was almost outgoing. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to a few therapists before, but it has never helped and i am not sure about any medications. It is really hard for me to post this, but I need some help.

I need help. No insurance and No money for a Therapist

What do I do? I'm withdrawing from Zoloft and I have suicidal thoughts pretty much every 30 minutes. I read that the withdrawal takes about a month to go away. I am scared, I am lost. I am in New York and all of the places for help have really long waiting lists. I've been to the hospital before many times (when I had insurance) and they just spit me back out after 24 hours. I can't do that now because I would go into serious debt. Please help me. Do you have podcasts you like? Websites? I'm open to anything. Diet advice?

I took my best friend to Florida for a getaway in the hopes that it would help my depression. Worst. Mistake. Ever.

Hi, first time posting here and I'm kinda a wreck right now so sorry if the formatting is a bit off. So, I've been struggling with very severe depression, and even suicidal thoughts. I've been in touch with a mentor, and I suggested going to FL (I live in Virginia, and I have family in Florida) and she thought that would be a good idea, you know, get away from everything for a few days. So, I booked the trip and invited my best friend (who will remain nameless) to go with me. He quickly agreed (especially since he's been on suicide watch for me for over 3 months) and we got out tickets and all was dandy. Today, day 2 of said trip, I've completely lost my friend to the Fortnite video game. I've tried to do stuff with him, he politely declines. I've tried to talk to him, but as soon as I get sick (unfortunately, my main stress coping mechanism is vomiting, completely involuntary. I don't force it) he goes ba k to the game and when I need him the most when I've hit my lowest point (moments ago) he leaves. LEAVES!! I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do. I feel completely alone. Even my family (all except my dad) have used me out completely and taken to my friend instead. I don't know what to do, I've never felt so alone while I'm surrounded by 8 of my closest family members and my best friend. Please help me. I don't know how else to end this. Please help me.

I’m drowning and I don’t know what to do

Sometimes I think that maybe I don’t really know what I want. I hate it. I hate how I look at other people and hate them. I hate when they smile, I hate when they laugh I hate how fucking happy everyone else is. I’m being left behind. I know I am, everyone is so far ahead of me and I’m drowning in my own damn mind. I can’t keep this up. I can’t keep smiling and pretending I’m cool with being the lonely asshole who stays in her room all day. Who only goes outside to go to class or to get some unhealthy shit that she’ll feel bad about ten minutes later. I don’t think I want to die. I just... I want to be free. But maybe freedom is death for me. I want to hit something. I want to yell and scream but at the same time I just want someone to hug me and tell me that it’s okay and that I matter. But that won’t happen. Not in a way that’s genuine and real, it’s all fucking pretend to make people feel better and act like they actually care for the small lonely bitch who tries too hard to not care at all. If I’m alone then maybe it’s better for me to leave anyway, fully embrace it instead of begging for some kind of helping hand. No one would really care if I go. I give them three months tops until I just become a distant name they remember every so often. Everything is so loud but painfully silent at the same time why can’t it stop I want everything to just fucking stop. I tried to get help last year but they just pretended to care about me to. They read straight off a damn script. Didn’t take long for me to figure out the pattern and say what I needed to get out. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like this my final chance to ask for help before I go back into a hole I may not be able to escape from again. I don’t trust anyone and those few that I do hole a level of trust for I don’t want to burden them so I smile and play it off as some edgy joke. I need help but I don’t even know where to start.

why?

i need motivation. The past few months ive been feeling superrr down and it’s not just on and of bad days. In school, i laugh 25% of the time while the other 75% i just stay quiet. Ive posted here once before about a friend, but thats one of my last worries. She is doing okay, and i plan to keep check on her. I like helping people, as no one has ever checked up on me. Ive tried talking about it with a friend but they don’t seem interested. There are so many things piling up that stress me out. Thank you

SO says it's depression linked. How to stop being too much?

Hello (Lengthy post, so I'm sorry in advance if I waste your time), I am diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, however I believe it doesn't affect my day to day life enough to claim anything because other's have it worse (and most likely would be a waste on me anyway). When I'm a member of a team, I feel too insignificant in comparison to colleagues/team mates to ever say or put in any input. I have explained to others that I see it as: If I have to work really hard to keep the job, and they can chill / lounge around and still keep the job that's equal to mine, they must have more value than me, therefore I have to try harder and respect them as my superior. My managers and colleagues say I'm too much and "old"-friends have ended friendships due to me being "too nice". At parties and gatherings, I decide to stay quiet because I believe I'll ruin the entire night and I find it easier to seek out those that aren't enjoying themselves to then go over, give them a bit of social motivation, make myself a laughing stock for them to laugh with their new friends and allow them to enjoy the night from then on without me intefering and potentially making it worse. I have been told all my life I am too much, or just "too" something, but it's more of an insult now, even if it is said with positive intention. I just want to be "enough". Nothing more, nothing less. This has come around due to my mother saying I would have done so much better in my life if I didn't focus on helping others so much, but I didn't even realise I was focusing. She tells me I'm "too nice" about once a month. After talking to my current SO, she says it is depression. Thank you for your time, and sorry for wasting time if you read this and don't know how to help, OQPATY

I'm a Neuroscientist - Need your help with a science video on Depression

I'm a Neuroscientist (PhD-Candidate in the Netherlands, originally from Austria) and on the side, I make science videos about the brain, human behavior, and biology (if you're curious: [https://www.youtube.com/c/Brainstorm2018](https://www.youtube.com/c/Brainstorm2018)). Currently, I'm working on my next video which will be about Depression and I could use the help of this Community/subreddit. My background allows me to understand the science and psychology of depression but, luckily, I never have suffered from it myself (though I experienced it second-hand when my mum got a major depressive episode a few years back). So I want to add to the video by infusing it with personal stories and experiences of real people who have suffered or are suffering from depression. **I have 2 questions** 1. What would be the single most important thing the 'public' gets wrong about Depression. What do people who never had any experience with it don't get? 2. If anyone wants to share a story or personal experience with depression that I could incorporate in the next video (anonymously without username if desired) I would be honored. This is an amazing subreddit and I appreciate all your comments and feedback. Please feel free to ask me any questions. All the best to all of you! Philip Disclaimer: I personally don't work on depression. My field is brain and social development in children.

Can we trust depressed people?

I mean, a depressed person who is struggling with their feelings and thoughts. Sometimes they are themselves but sometimes they are not when they let the depression take over. So should we trust or how much should we trust things that a depressed person talked about their feelings? Will they change their mind/feelings from time to time? For example, today your depressed friend says that she hates you, but the next day she would be regretted about it. Actually she needs you but said that because she was angry with someone else.

She's back and I'm sinking again.

I was thinking that whem she returns everything will be normal. It got worse. I'm in a deeper rabbit hole than before. Things I wanted to say to her, my feeling of emptiness, melancholy, and being down moat of the time ia replaced by verbal nods, spacing out, and being blunt. I'm afraid that her 1 monrh vacation made ua distant and that bothers me. Maybe I'm overthinking things. She wanted some alone me time, but constantly messages and video chatting me. That's what I'm bothered about. Hot and cold. It makes me think what I have done wrong. Al of this I keep to my self. This burdens me. This added to my self pity., questioning my worth, and me wanting to just end it. I wanted to sleep and die in my sleep so that my thoughts won't torment me anymore

Is anyone in the same position as me?

Hey this might be long but oh welll we all love a stranger that overshares and details their whole life out on the internet. Ok so I think I'm depressed. I'm lethargic, I'm apathetic, Im never happy, but never sad either. I always feel like this crazy heavy weight on my chest like loneliness. I feel just so lonely in this world. And I have friends. I have very close friends and an ex girlfriend I get on very well with. But I just feel like I'm everyone's second choice. I'm a really likeable guy. I haven't found a single person who has any problem with me. Like everyone likes me. But I feel like no one truly loves me. My main thing is that I hate normalcy. I hate this feeling of "okay". Yet that's what my whole life is right now. I'm fairly good looking, I'm not poor, I'm not rich. There's nothing special about my life. And that's what I hate. I'm scared my future is me withering away into mediocrity. I'd rather be sad than how I am now because at least that's something. I feel like I'm depressed but at the same time I don't. I don't hate myself (If anything I'm narcissistic, I have a very high self esteem) Depressed people usually hate themselves. I don't cut, I don't cry, I don't ever really have a mad breakdown. I always think about how I'd kill myself but I know deep down I'd never actually do it. I'm none of that. But I'm not happy either. Also, I lie a lot. I manipulate people close to me so I can get ahead. I always put myself first. Before anyone. Machiavellianism. Then again, I dont know if I'm just exaggerating that to try seem "edgy" or different. Which I so crave to be. I dont know. For the longest time I thought I was some kind of psychopath because of the whole complete lack of empathy, manipulation, charm and general lack of feelings. But then I thought I'm probably just exaggerating that too to feel better about myself. I crave labels. I crave being put into a box so I can belong to something. I can be recognised. I can be remembered. I'll probably update in the comments when I remember more about myself.

It takes 3 days to do a simple job

I am a freelance translator and I am trying to make a living out of it but I can't focus on anything. This is supposed to be my job but it takes 3 days for me to finish a simple translation job that would normally take no longer than 3 hours. I sometimes get too overwhelmed and use machine translation just to get it over with. I know it's a horrible thing to do but I just do it. And when I don't have any translation jobs going on, I spend my time sleeping instead of looking for a new job... I don't know how long I can continue doing this. Need some advice

Any good wholesome livestreamers/youtubers to watch so I feel calmer?

My anxiety and depression are really bad these days since I returned home from college (summer break). Weirdly enough, I miss the noise of people talking and hanging out, specially in my dorm, and now that I've come back home I feel pretty depressed with all the silence. My dad is working, my mom is pretty quiet, they both go to sleep before 9pm, and my house is pretty far away from the city (no buses, and I don't drive) so nowhere I can go. I'll be here for a month and a half, and I think the silence and lonely feeling will drive me crazy. Ok, finally the question: do you guys know of any streamer or youtuber (gaming or studying) that is not over the top like most? Just a chill person to watch while I'm doing my own thing?

At my wits end.... literally. I’ve lost all hope, I’m lost in my own head. So numb, tired, and ready to leave already.

It’s been roughly a year, I recently moved out of my parents house around this time last year. And it’s all gone to shit... I guess I rushed into adulthood faster then I should. Was promised a job from my mother in law. That only lasted 3 weeks. I’ve been bouncing from warehouse to warehouse job for the last year. I feel disconnected from my own life. Worthless... like I don’t belong. My relationship with my SO is rough. There’s days where it’s the ideal relationship, and days where I feel like I’m the only one loving and actually trying. My relationship with my own family is little to none. I don’t have the courage to say what’s really going on. Idk I would rather people not care about me. Not worry or pressure me about what’s going on. But I’m at the end of my road and my last options are dark. I can’t keep a job, can’t keep a place, can’t hold a conversation with family and friends. I’m so numb and hollow. I cry randomly throughout the day, suicidal scenarios play out in my head all throughout the day. “What if I wasn’t around? People wouldn’t have to worry. I wouldn’t have to live a life I feel like I don’t deserve”. I’ve contemplated actually doing it numerous times. Just can’t choose on how and where as in stuck babysitting majority of the days. I feel like I’m rambling all over the place but it’s how I am at this point. I have no structure in life. My schedule consists of doing everything for everyone else and then sleep. I feel useless and more importantly worthless.

I'm so useless that my psychiatrist doesn't want to see me.

I have this horrible self esteem issues and I'm very self conscious about myself. I have a very plumpish figure, i compensate the lack of exercise with IF and calorie count. The reason why there's a lack of exercise is due to insecurity, embarrassment and fear. The fear of people making fun of me, judging me while I clumsily exercise and get out of breath. My psychiatrist has been trying and trying to push me. Questioned me if it really matters if they judged, when my health is concern. I know what's right and what's wrong. I know that it shouldn't matter. I know that my health is much more important than what others think. I just can't manage to bring myself to do it. Its a struggle. He lost it and calmly said he won't see me until I do something. After the appointment I left and I head to the restroom and bawled my eyes out. Hes somebody dear to me, and I always look forward to seeing him every week. I'm so useless that i am unable to muster the courage to exercise to the extent of him not wanting to see me. I am beyond useless and hopeless. It's better to die than to confront the person who listens to you when you have let them down. Its tiring.

I'm losing my mind and need help. I contemplate suicide everyday. I don't see any future anymore, just think I'll kill myself one of these days.

I need help. 17 year old male, 18 beginning of July. I've been struggling with my mental health for all of my life, and it got worse after starting puberty. I've always been terrible with social groups and interactions. Never managed to make a lot of friends, and those I did never sticked. Had some of your regular trauma from parents and older brother. I've always felt alone. When I became a teenager I started with the depression. Got very bad episodes, where I would shut down, and fake illness so I could stay home. I missed one month of school once, and on a trip to Italy for school I faked illness for two weeks so I could stay in bed, and could only think about jumping off a bridge. As I got deeper into adolescence not only did my mental health deteriorate, but my ability too. My memory became poor, and my focus was gone, always having mental fog. I couldn't remember words, and speak eloquently. Math ability went to the shitter, always making stupid mistakes that would then seem retarded later. My IQ seemed to have dropped as much as 10 points, since I have periodically been applied tests and only perform worse. Starting high school made me much more suicidal because of this, and the isolation of not knowing anyone, and the people I did know wouldn't even look me in the eyes. I had already gone to a psychologist, and after that a neurologist, and recently a therapist. Got medication, and have been on it since 2017. The doctor has changed my meds more times than I can count, and none of them have helped. She told me that I would probably never be off of meds, but they still don't help me. I have no cure. I feel I have been slowly getting worse, going down my own dark little hole. I've always been obsessive, but now it feels like it's all I am. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything makes me irritated, or break down. Noise seemed to be the problem. Voices make me go mad, but even when I'm alone and in silence I keep thinking about everything needing to shut up. The chatter is all inside my head, and it never stops. ​ I feel like sometimes I am already dead on the inside, and I'm not really human. Just a shell o what I wanted to be. I started going out to party's and things, mostly just filling myself with alcohol, or I'll just drive around going as fast as I can. Hoping I'll be something else, hoping I'll feel. I've had one relationship with a girl, that eventually ended. I loved her but after that I couldn't feel anything for anyone (and no, not even her). I just ended up obsessing over her, even if I didn't feel a thing. Really tried after I started to get over her, and even tried with another girl, but even with all that I managed to bosses with her as well, and got called a creep and that I harassed her. The meds make me worse off. My sex drive is completely dead. ​ By the end of high school I have made some friends, but I end up isolating myself, and losing them. I'm starting college in August, and I'll move to another city for that, but I fear that will only isolate me, and make me worse. I think that if I don't kill myself soon, I'll do it then. I see no real future past a certain point. I fear it'll all colapse, and I'll truly break down. I fear I'll lose interest in my career, since it has already happened. I was going to study astrophysics, but after an episode I saw nothing in that. ​ I'm going crazy, always suffering. Everyday is pain, and I just want it to end. I am sick. I contemplate suicide everyday, but what ultimately stops me is just the possibility of a failed attempt, and getting scarred for many years to come, and always under watchful eyes after the attempt. The hurdle of death is my prison.

I hate my body and my thoughts

Ever since I was little I was always struggling with my physical appearance. I have been told throughout my life that I was overweight and that just screwed over my image even more. Here I am feeling guilty cause I had a bit of grill chicken and honestly I'm just tired. I'm tired of thinking of exercise as a mere chore. I'm tired that I can't enjoy food anymore, and the fact that my mom cooks so much doesn't help. My family all says I'm lean and normal but I feel so disfigured. My shoulders are too broad and my arms are flappy making me look twice my size, my thighs are gigantic and are covered with cellulite. I really hate my mirrors and if I could break them I would. My weight is always in the middle of normal or overweight and one slice of cake could tip it off. I've been active and even trying to just eat healthy foods but I still hate myself. I think my thoughts have screwed over and long for the underweight body. At this point I think normal looks fat.

Im 14 and i already managed to fail my life

hi guys, this is my first post on Reddit. I am only 14 years old. I've been suffering from depression ever since i was 12. I rarely feel happy anymore. Unfortunately these intense feelings have lead me onto a path of constant drug use which only makes my depression worse because I know i am smarter than that. I started smoking weed 2 years ago and obviously things have only gone downhill from then. I am literally mentally and physically addicted to a fucking USB (Juul) and I've even found myself robbing weed dealers just because I thought that would make me feel sick but it only made things worse. I have been taking escitalopram since I was 11. Ever since I wet to high school I did a lot of stupid shit and now that I look back at it i purely did those things because of peer approval. These couple of years have literally felt like a lagging game. I haven't smoked in a day and I feel like complete shit. Theres probably a lot of things I left out because when i dont smoke for extended periods I feel dumb and slow. I made a Reddit account just to post this so please dont come at me with some bullshit jokes. I feel like ending my life my family is fighting as im writing this. Even typing a paragraph as simple as this feels mentally challenging. In elementary school my teachers would constantly say how smart i was and I would get 80s and 90s without studying and now I feel like because of the effect weed had on my brain I wont be able to find a career later on in life. PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE

F 15 struggling with depression and feeling hopeless. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Any advice?

Hello Reddit. for a little backstory, I'm 15 years old and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety just over two years ago. It has definitely gotten worse sense then, and I have not talked to a counselor since. Last November, I dropped out of my high school to begin home schooling with a tutor due to social anxiety and my depression hitting a low point. Though I enjoy the environment and freedom that comes with home schooling much better, it does get very lonely. The only people I talk to now are my long distance boyfriend, a couple online friends, and my family (who are very busy with their own work and school) Along with my family being busy, I hardly ever mention my depression to them. If I do, I feel like I'm wasting their time and they'll be disappointed in me. My depression has gotten increasingly worse over the past few months. I've always been skinny, but I've lost a significant amount of weight to the point it's unhealthy. I have no appetite, no desire to do anything, and no one to talk to. With the start of summer, my day consists of laying around and watching TV or playing video games. Even if plans do come up, physical symptoms of anxiety like panic attacks, head aches, and stomach aches typically prevent me from going. My boyfriend wants me to see a counselor, But I'm hesitant because the one I had previously didn't help much, and was very expensive. I worry that by asking my parent's for help, (with my anxiety, depression, and poor eating habits) I'll be wasting their money and time. At the same time, I'm afraid that if I continue to sit here and do nothing I won't live to see my 16th birthday. What should I do? Any tips on getting help and finding meaning and motivation in life at a young age?

Feelings of dread

My chest always feels tight. It hurts. It makes me stay all day on the couch. I feel anxious all day.... Anyone knows this feeling? It gets worse when I really don’t do anything but this feeling kinda forces me to do so. And then I start feeling guilty about not doing anything. I always ask myself “what can I do so I can feel better?” and my brain is looking for answers but I can’t find any! Because nothing makes fun or I just can’t get motivated because everything feels so dark.. Any advices?

20 year old Male, why am I depressed....

I wake up in a house, my parents are the best and my relationship with them and my sister are better than ever. I just got accepted into Michigan State University where I am pursuing a Graphic Design degree. I have multiple internships for Graphic Design. Grades are A-B range. Everything in my life is going as best as it can be. Yet I still find my self having trouble sleeping at night, difficulty concentrating, a feeling of sadness, etc. The only thing I would say I am a little upset about is not being able to play soccer due to tearing my ACL back in November. I had surgery in April and should be back on the field in October. I try to exercise to the best of my ability, I try my best to eat as much as I can (appetite has been very low recently). The only thing that I find enjoyable is playing Video Games with my friends, its almost like a drug to me. Its my normal self again, but the second it's turned off, I down in the dumps again. Not sure what to do anymore. Everything in my life is going how I would want it to go, so why am I feeling depressed? I'm a 20 year old Male by the way. Sorry if my grammar is bad, English was my worst subject in school.

Downward spiral after being dumped by someone who was never even my bf

I'm 31 F and have never had a boyfriend. I feel defective. After about a dozen dates or so I get dumped or guys start treating me like shit. I just got dumped by a really great guy. He said he wasnt ready for a relationship. Yet he messaged me first online, we texted almost daily for over a month, and went on real dates. I feel like this was the nice way of saying he just isnt that into me. He even met some of my friends. He told me I was the sweetest girl he ever dated. Then why would he never want to see me again? I dont have much experience considering most people my age are at a minimum living with their partner if not married with kids. I cant figure out why I'm so undesirable. It's been like this ever since I was 16. I was always a secret. An embarrassment. I was doing so much better with my depression and now I'm back at square one. I'm randomly crying at work, I either feel intense pain or numb, I relive the act of being dumped and my stomach drops all over again, and I'm seriously wondering if life is worth it if I never have someone love me. I take meds, go to therapy. But it's not helping. I'm overweight so I cant help but think some of the reason why my dating pool sucks is because I'm ugly. I havent been eating really and when I do I purge. I've lost almost 4lbs this week. I feel like something very real is missing in my life and after yet another rejection I dont have any hope left. I dont know how much longer I can go on feeling this bad.

Please i need advice and i dont know what to do.

Hi i really need advice and dont know what to do. I have failed my first semester of college like complete fail and now im pretty sure i have to pay back my financial aid and itll get cut off. Is going to the military the only option i have now? I honestly have no idea what to do. Please i need help! Im having ideas of just killing myself at this point because of the constant failures i have done over the years and i just cant take it anymore.

What helps you get through the day?

It's been four months since I turned eighteen and everything seems to be a mess for me. My depression is severe and it's getting the best out of me, my anxiety is consuming me and it hurts me badly. My ptsd (long story) really gets me to have these attacks where I'm not myself and I just experience more pain. I've tried counseling for years, I've had depression ever since I was eleven and my mother passed away the day after mothers day. I've talked to my boyfriend a lot about my issues and my feelings and I really don't want him to have to carry more and have more on his plate. I really love him.. I want to be able to support myself and try to find something that can help me get through the day. So, my question is, what helps you get through the day? What thoughts do you think that help you get through it all? Coping strategies? (I play a lot of video games but sometimes it's just not enough for me) Is there any way to express your feelings more appropriately and not have everything just overwhelm you and you explode? I know not everyone is the same, and that many answers will vary, but I'm trying to get out of my old habits and I just need some help and support. *I want to better myself, and I don't exactly know how to.*

Mental Illnesses aren't real...?

My friend told me that mental illness wasn't real. I've been suffering from Depression and Anxiety Disorder for the past 4 years. What he said, hit me really hard. He said, in the past people never had such things, he said only the new generation is too weak, that they use mental illness as an excuse to get out of things. And right now, it's really sending me on a downward spiral. I feel so miserable. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. And if it doesn't exist, then was all these years of medication and therapy for nothing? Has my life just been a huge excuse? I'm so confused right now, someone please make some sense.

"Some people would rather have a dead son or dead friend than a gay/bi son or gay/bi friend." I wish to be free from this pain and hiding/fear/isolation

I hate myself. I wish I could tell at least my closest friends, but it doesn't feel like the right time yet. Everyone's also going through their own problems. I pushed some of my old friends from church away by ghosting them without explanation. I even saw on Facebook that some of my old friends went to the Pride March. One of them was even an old friend I've been meaning to catch up with, but still couldn't. I regret isolating myself from them until we are no longer close to each other. I wish I could be brave enough. Then again, my family's religious and my dad would flip since he's an active member in our Catholic church/choir. I'm not as religious as I was back then. I might consider myself as an agnostic/atheist now (though there's still some part of me that believes there's a God up there) I wish to be free from this pain.

Thinking about suicide watch

I’ve recently been feeling suicidal. I take antidepressants and meds for my anxiety but they haven’t been working the best recently. My dad, brother and sister will be out of town for the next week so it will just be my mom and I home. I want to go to the hospital or er this week and tell them that I’ve been thinking about suicide. I don’t want to worry the rest of my family so I thought this would be a good time to go. I want to know if this is a good idea and what happens if I go and tell doctors and nurses this

My friend is suicidal and I’m worried for her.

One of my friends is feeling incredibly depressed and suicidal, she’s had a recent break up with someone and it hasn’t made any of that better, she isn’t eating much and I’m really worried for her. I’ve tried to help her by saying what she should do but she doesn’t seem to be listening to me, do any of you know what I should do? I’m thinking of telling the school again. This is effecting me aswell, I’m feeling kinda down, not to the point she is though.

My confidence has declined well within the negatives.

I don't quite know if I should fully go into every detail or not. But here goes. I'm so unbelievably inconfident and depressed that nothing, nothing gets through to me. Not a single compliment, not a single word of positivity gets through into my mind. And I feel so utterly lost, I keep losing friends and I keep having to get dumped by my partners. I've frankly had enough of this nightmare and I wish I could just escape. I tried repeating a positive affirmation to myself, for a month, hundreds of times a day, but nothing changed. I tried being more productive, and I still am, but it's still just complete and utter misery. What am I supposed to do? I've got no therapist to help me for another 2 months or so, and I doubt they'll be able to help, not a single therapist in my life has. I feel drained, empty and worthless, if I wasn't scared or fearful, I'd be dead. I do feel highly suicidal, but I'm too weak of a person to actually go through with it. Please, this is the last cry of help I can give with the energy I have left..I need something, one last try. This is my very first post, and this place was my only last resort.

Have recently started to come to terms with the fact that I'm a loser.

While I am badly depressed, that is not the depression talking-- Other than the basement and the parents I meet the exact stereotypical requirements of a loser. While I have my reasons for the way I turned out-- I won't invoke them here so as to render them excuses. The fact is-- I have a personality like a moldy sponge-- covered in cooling diahria. That's not all that's holding me back though-- aside from a badly wrenched spine and triple hernias-- two of which are inguinal, the third one in my navel has never been patched-- my asthma has somehow gotten so bad that they briefly identified it as COPD. I don't think I'm quite staring down the barrel of that last depressive step yet-- but I'm at the stage where I see things for what they are and I feel them closing in. I live off of supplemental income-- I'm being thrown out of the room of the house I'm renting tomorrow to-- if not the street, than a rundown motel for a few days-- then the street. I have applications through for apartments-- that I had to rely on a "friend" that I basically leech off of to make for me-- because I just can't mentally handle having to do stuff like that for myself. I don't drive. I have no actual family-- most who meet me hate me straight off and the rest always do eventually-- so maybe that's ironically for the best. Bottom line; I'm waking up to myself, and realizing that I just can't "me" anymore. I'm not suicidal yet-- but I can hear it out there on the wind out there. Yet nor do I particularly care about self improvement. I just wanna be able to hack a passably comfortable life on my own merits-- with some real friends I'm not bleeding of their energy and resources-- who can honestly say they'd come to my funeral and actually mourn. In a nutshell: I want the misery to stop. I have no actual skills in much of anything, nor the basic knowledge of even how to obtain them-- while these things may not have been my fault to start with-- it seems the blame has-- in my thirties-- at least partially shifted to me. I don't like that, I don't like ME-- I just need this shit to end. Something's just gotta give, you know?

I just want a hug.

I'm 16, male, and I have no idea where I'm going. Everyone around me wants to do something with their lives, they have their shit figured out, and they know where they want to go and what they want to do. I have no clue. I've taken test after test trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be, but nothing fits. All I want to do is sit down and rest. I spend 99% of my time doing *stuff*. I'm on a competitive rowing team, I'm a straight A student, and I'm finishing up my Eagle Scout rank. All of this work, and I feel like nothing is coming out of it. I feel empty. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I feel lost. And that's only half of my issue. I just want to be hugged, I want someone to cuddle and talk with, but nobody's there. I want to feel like I matter to someone other than my family, I want to share my life with someone. But I can't do that. Not at this age. I'm just so mad about it, I feel like crying and giving up on all of it, but I know that would only make it worse. I'm just tired of the waiting. I wish time would move faster. I wish I could figure it all out. I wish I had someone to love. And I know it only gets worse. I can't see myself living past 20. I can't even visualize it. I'll be lucky if I get that far. Thanks for listening, and have a nice day.

I'm 20 and I kinda sorta hate myself

Sup I'm 20 and I genuinely feel hopeless and hate myself. I don't really feel like there's anything in my life to be super proud of, like I've been unemployed for a few months, I don't have a drivers license, I've never had a girlfriend, I'm not in super great shape and I hate myself for not taking steps to change anything. It's like I'd rather just wallow in my own sadness then actually go do something about it even though all I want to do is be happy. I don't want to sound like the stereotypical 4chan incel but the never having a girlfriend part especially bothers me, like to the point where if I see a pretty girl in public or I see someone my age on social media being in a nice relationship or something I get like jealous and sad, and I don't want to be like that I should be happy for those people but I'm just not. I feel like such a huge loser who is going to be stuck just loathing myself forever. Any of my friends or family members I've spoken to have told me it will get better and I'm a great dude but it just doesn't make me feel any less worthless to myself. I'd appreciate anything anyone has to say. Thanks.

Isolated, Haven't left my house since Feb.

Hi, im Chuck, 29, suffer from bi polar disorder, massive depression disorder, ptsd, and anxiety. my anxiety got so bad that i stopped leaving my bed in 2012 when i was 22. spent 3 years alone till i almost died from not eating. i have severe nerve damage in my legs, i can walk not(took 9 months to relearn how to) i reconnected with an old friend and we hung out for close to a year, then i mentioned that someone brought bed bugs to the hotel i live in (long story) and he hasn't seen me in person since feb because hes too afraid hell end up getting bed bugs. i have no one to talk to , most of my friend ditched me when my anxiety got bad, my best friend moved a state over. i spend all day in front of my computer basically waiting to pass away. i call this hotline for human interaction but my phone is off because there's some issue with my account. ​ idk what to do, im just at my wits end, no one wants anything to do with me and i just dont wanna be here anymore.

Help with depression

Hello everyone, This is my first time on reddit and my first time posting. I am sure many people face issues that are much worse than mine, but I don't know what to do anymore other than ask for help. English is not my first language so I apologise for any mistakes. For context: I am 24 yo, female, with a stable job and a loving boyfriend. By all means I should be happy right? Well I started feeling more and more depressed a few months ago and so far, it hasn't changed. I don't feel like eating and have lost weight, I don't feel like going out or hanging out with people and I could literally spend my whole day sleeping (which I did for the past two days, missing work), I often find myself crying for no reason and I don't enjoy anything anymore. My boyfriend is abroad for a while because of his studies, and so I am able to hide from him most of the time. But it's getting harder and harder and I think he is starting to lose patience. Our last two conversations was him telling me that he is sick of me moaning every two days and crying for no reason. This is not the first time I have been depressed, and usually it follows something bad, but this time I feel like it's all in my head and it's Something that I can't get out of. It's starting to impact my job, my Relationship and everything else in my life...Do any of you have any advice for me? ​ Thank you for taking the time to read this post!

My boyfriend is depressed, how do I help?

I haven't really dealt with depression, my boyfriend on the other hand, has become depressed over the last few months, about things in his life that haven't turned out well, his appearance, among other things. He has been feeling this way fora while and today was a breaking point for him. I have been with him 2 years and I've never seen him cry. Today, when I got home from work, he was visibly upset and crying. I'm not sure how to help, what to say or anything really, I'm at a loss.

My heart is broken!

Hi everyone! I do this first time in my life, write a post about my problems. Yesterday, girl left me. Yes, “girl”, not “girlfriend”. We know each other a half of year and I love her, but she doesn’t. That’s okay! The idea of stopping relationship is mine, because this is very difficult. She allowed me to get her hand, we walked holding hand. I thought relationships was developing, but no. I asked her what happened, and after long conversation we realized that she doesn’t feel that feel I. Now I am thinking about her constantly. That was my third relationship and previous relationships were easier, I mean stopping. I am disappointed in the relationship and it seems that everything is lost for me. Could you please share the way how you struggle with this kind of depression?

Discord is awful, and I'm crying.

When I ask to join a server with all my old friends who disliked me, I get a blatant "fuck no" from probably all the moderators. Everyone there is my friend, and I just want to feel happy again when being with my old friends. I know I hurt my friends emotionally, but I've changed and I'm doing better. But... They just won't move on, and them not moving on lead me to doing bad things to myself (cutting, hurting myself, contemplating suicide). My life doesn't feel the same anymore. Discord is my only source of friends, I have no friends IRL, so I look forward to seeing other people. But people decide to be toxic... And just won't leave me alone when I'm trying to move on. Yes, I've gotten a few disabilities from trauma. Alexithymia, higher emotional sensitivity, voices in my head, anxiety. It sucks. I wish it would go away. I wish I had friends. Real ones I could hug and kiss. So I can be happy. My current new friends on Discord think I'm a snowflake because of how sensitive I am, but I always try to explain what I've been through and why I act certain ways. If you want to know about my person (i.e age, hobby, personality.) Just ask me under my comment.

Suicide note

Ive been trying to write my suicide note for about a week now and i cant think of anything to put on it. Whenever i look up ideas on google i get the usual bullshit like "you are loved" or they try to tell you to just keep it to yourself (in other words a fake suicide note you use to vent) like if i were loved i wouldnt be trying to write my suicide note. Honestlh its not like it matters if i leave a note no one will read it just like no one ever reads/hears my pleas for help, or my attempts to just have a conversation with them, my friends ignore me, support sites ignore me, whenever i try to make friends on a friend sub everyone ignores my comments/posts and if they dont they ghost me after a few messages. No one gives a shit about me when im alive why would they care when im dead? Im not looking for fake "people care"s or "i care"s im sick of strangers telling me they care when theyve never met me because if they did they wouldnt care. I just want ideas for what to put on my note, im trying to not make it an angry note otherwise id be able to write a book.

I don't know what to do

I just graduated from high school recently and I thought that would help with all my anxiety but I'm just sitting in my room feeling lifeless. I don't sleep or eat regularly, and I barely know the time. The past 5 years have been really difficult for me, and I've only had 2 people to talk to, one being a school counsellor. I think they just prolonged whatever I have but nothing really helps. I stopped having constant suicidal thoughts since 3 months ago, but it was so sudden and I just feel this lethargic tiredness always lurking. I don't know if it's residual or it's because everything's physically taking a toll on me. Even when everything I thought was giving me stress was over, nothing changed. And I have been trying to go out and meet my friends. I’ve been out of my house more these days than most of my life combined. I thought whatever I was feeling might have been situational but I don't think it is. I've tried swallowing pills a bunch of times and hurting myself and nothing happened, so I took that as a sign to try to be more healthy, but it's not really working. I felt completely fine and then a few weeks ago I took 24 colored pills and thought maybe something would happen, and I just ended up with nausea and a stomach ache. That's not normal, is it? I even took cough syrup with it. I don't get how nothing can happen, and I really don't get why I'm still doing these things when I'm not under stress (which is usually the only reason I would hurt myself when it all started). I can't meet a paid professional because my parents wouldn't ever believe me. They're not bad people but they're ignorant and misguided, and that mental illnesses only exist for people with 'real trauma'. They'd say I was lying or faking it. And believe me, I've tried approaching the topic with them. I had 2 panic attacks in front of them and they still wouldn't let me meet a mental health counsellor even when we went to the hospital and the doctor recommended it. What's wrong with me? I'm just stuck. I don't even know why I'm making this post. I think maybe writing about it helps, but honestly maybe I'm just trying to reach out for help. I'm not really sure about my feelings at this point.

Advice on being productive when you feel exhausted and done withe everything?

I never want to get out of bed but I have to, I've got my nephew to watch and also my uncle needs help with various things, and my mom as well, and I know I'm expected to clean as well, and I have tons of errands that I have to run. But I don't want to do it at all. None of it. I'm actually really tired. My doc has referred me to an infectious disease specialist and a rheumatologist but I just don't want to go. I have zero energy and it could very well just be depression. I've been dealing with these thoughts and emotions for about ten years and have always been very high functioning to the point where if I talk about this to my family no one will believe me or will just say snap out of it. But I'm literally so damn tired. No energy. Face on the ground, don't want to get up. I can't push myself anymore like I used to and I'd like to dissipate into thin air at this point.

What’s the point?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I do everything ‘by the book’: medication, therapists, exercise, meditate, eat well, listen to a variety of self-help/happiness/loving-kindness podcasts, etc... and am still struggling. I have full time work, am an averagely successful 40 yo (diagnosed at 13yo). I am exhausted with the perpetual overcoming of depression- starting to feel a glimmer of normality just to get kicked down. Tired of hiding, ignoring the hurt. Exhausted with donning the fake smile accompanied by the heavy headdress of “all is well in my world”. Tired of not being accepted/understood and being a burden to those around me. I hate knowing that I just drag people down. I don’t have anyone close who understands. I feel so lost, so tired, so alone. What’s the point of all of this? Why keep going?

Dont know what to do

18/M. First of all I want to say that my English is not the best. I hope you guys can understand what I am trying to say. one day after I felt bad for like 1 year I finally talked to my mom about my feelings and my mental health. I told her that I am "unmotivated" to do something for school, go outside with friends (don't even have some) or even clean up my room. He said something like "ok I respect and understand that" (Summarized) And after a couple of weeks she was still asking why I am like that and not doing anything. I don't know how to explain my her so she can understand me and my feelings so Its easier for me and her to life together and find help for me. I think she doesn't understood me right an dont "comprehend". Can someone help me

I feel so fucked and alone and I don't know what to do

I got fired yesterday, got into a car accident last Monday. I have no car. I have 10 pounds to my name until the first of August. I'm so fucked. Every time I open up to people, it doesn't seem like they care. My girlfriend doesn't seem to care and she's starting to get really mad at me for talking about my feelings so much. I feel really, really alone. I live by myself and I have like two friends. I don't know what to do, I really don't. My life just seems like shit. All year it has been shit. I really want to give up. I really fucking want to give up.

Do I have the right to be upset with my s/o for deciding to “taking a break” during a depressive episode?

I’m on mobile so please excuse the formatting. I have been dealing with depression for awhile. I’ve been in a long term relationship for 3 years. Recently, he has told me he can’t handle my episodes. I have mostly good days but still some bad days. Yesterday, I had an awful day. I couldn’t get out of bed, and when I finally did I was felt like a zombie. I was extremely vulnerable, crying, and deeply sad. Yesterday he told me I was becoming too much to handle. He’s told me he doesn’t have the capability to feel empathy, so every time I have an episode he thinks I’m fighting with him. I’ve told him multiple times I’m having an internal battle that has nothing to do with him. My episode was stressing him out and he left. We live together and he went to stay with his cousin that lives 3 hours away. I don’t want to be alone and I’ve never felt so angry at myself for making him leave. I just need comfort and support. I don’t know when he’s coming back. I have never felt more alone. Am I overreacting?

My Government won't support my parents any longer for having me

Disclaimers: Never posted on reddit before, but I don't know who else to talk to. The grammar will be off because I am quite upset as I type this, my apologies. Quick backstory: I've suffered from depression ever since I was around 16, now I'm soon-to-be 25. I tried seeing a therapist back when I was 18 and started university. She was truly awful and I thought I had no right to see a therapist. Fast forward to january 2019, I decided to try another therapist because I am truly incapable of living in this state. I still haven't finished university. I'm trying but failing. I'm incapable of doing most tasks, let alone focus on studying. Although I have a job I don't get paid much. I depend on my parents who try to support me, but soon won't have the governments support because I'm too old to count as a child. I just found out and I feel aweful. I never wanted to be a burden to my parents. They're not made of money, and although my mom said she won't kick me out, I know she's growing impatient. She's having a difficult time understanding me anyways and this will only make it so much harder. I struggle very hard not to let the thought of "ending it all so they'll be better of" take over. Because I know my mom won't be better of knowing I've commited suicide. I don't want to die. I just can't live. Does anyone on this reddit know how to deal with this? I should talk to my therapist about this, I know. But my next session won't be for another 2 weeks.

Does therapy really help?

New to Reddit. I (26, female) have been suffering from depression since 18, when I started college. I’ve also recently developed anxiety disorder within the year. My depression is crippling and I don’t remember that last time I’ve actually felt happiness. I’m always stressed and anxious. I can’t focus. I feel anxiety around my lifelong friends and boyfriend. I feel unloved. I’ve failed in my career. I’ve gained weight. I just don’t love myself. Though I’ve suffered for a long time with what I would say is SEVERE anxiety, I have not seeked help yet. I always think I can help myself..but obviously not. I’m wondering if therapy really helps. I want to avoid medication at all costs. Can anyone who has seen a therapist tell me what the experience was and if it helped?

It’s like I’m not allowed to feel this way

Recently, my depression symptoms have been worse. My mom brought me to the doctor and because I’m too afraid to open up, my trash doctor thinks I’m faking so he told me to smile more and think positive. Now my father thinks like my doctor and every time I’m feeling down, he becomes angry at me for feeling that way when I can’t help it. It’s like I’m not allowed to be depressed. Nobody understands my pain. But I understand because I never fully opened up. Any advice for handling my situation?

Someone just tell me it’ll be okay please.

I’m too exhausted to even type this. I’m sorry I don’t have enough Karma, I just never have enough gumption to post and I migrate accounts often for feeling like I’ve messed up. These past few weeks have been tough. I’ve been bottling it all in and I’m just so tired. I’ve noticed signs of depression through an increase in sensitivity, time spent crying which went from nothing to suddenly tearing up at night.. I’ve noticed myself being unable to clean my room or find energy to go work out, and I either sleep too long and feel guilty or spend all night awake exhausted but unable to sleep. I’m so tired. I can’t do anything, I can’t even hang around my friends because it feels like they hate me or I’m not good enough. I either try to starve myself to feel the pain of hunger or overeat to get rid of the pain. I have no one to talk to. I feel guilty and I’m not diagnosed so I’m wondering if I’m just faking it, but I’m too scared to bring it up to my doctor because last time she brushed it aside. I can’t talk to my parents because one is mad at me and the other thinks I’m dramatic. I don’t know what I want, if anything can someone just please tell me it’ll be ok?

Asking people to call to wake you up?

Have you done it? Did it help? Did it make the person you asked feel weird, even if you were close? Looking at my daily schedule the amount I sleep in and nap is the most unhealthy and detrimental part (I spend a lot of time ruminating and having negative thoughts and then feel bad since I oversleep, as I am sure a lot of you are familiar with). I asked my friend to call me today and it helped. Even with alarms I don't get up. Hearing an actual person helped, I think.

Cleaning service?

I feel lots of shame posting this. I pretty much live in my partner's room (she lives with roommates). Both of us have depression & anxiety symptoms flaring up, and she has chronic pain. We've been very isolated to our room. It's already been cluttered and disorganized by her move 1 year ago, and since we have very little energy, it's more and more cluttered, including boxes of take-out. Its state affects us very much and though we've tried again and again to gain motivation and energy to at least do small things, we haven't been able to do much. We talked a few times about reaching out for someone to clean and reorganize our room. I also know a few skill-trading groups where I could ask for help, and offer some kind of compensation. I also thought of asking friends for help, but I'm scared of imposing. We don't have that much money either, but honestly we haven't been able to do much for a while now and I just need help to take a step forward. I just feel like I'm being very lazy doing so. And I'm not sure where to start. Did anyone considered or tried doing something like that? Does it make sense?

Am i special?

So for some reason my dad(step-dad) just absolutely loves telling me "your not special" lately. Its really stupid of him, like for example, yesterday we were going somewhere and he came in my room and said its time to go. Okay. No problem. So i get up from my piano, and put my phone in my pocket. And as were walking out the door he goes "oh put your phone up, your not special." In such a demeaning tone, that i just responded "yea ik. I never said i was." And he just gave me a shitty look. There's been more times. And lately its started to get to me. Idk what to do..

Wearing My "Social Mask" Exhausts Me

I feel like I'm losing my ability to cope with being around people. Even those I like and am friends with? Being around people has always felt like it's depleting a little HP bar somewhere inside me because I have some inner pressure constantly to be likable and interesting. It's shattering. But it's getting worse. I'm finding it harder and harder to resist the temptation of isolation and then FOMO starts kicking my ass too. Can't win. Just feel miserable...

I’m lost

I (16M) am currently in high school as a sophomore and have been in a depression for 3 years now and it happened when i was play fighting with my older brother who as if now is 30 years old and i faked having my neck being hurt and my dad who was drunk at the time thought my brother actually hurt my neck and accidentally hit him with a belt and my brother started to fight back and they were punching each other while that happened i didn’t do anything to stop them i ran to my room started to cover my head with my hands and say its all my fault over and over again they eventually made up but to me that experience was so awful it scarred me and i will never forget it anything bad that happened to my family i always blamed it on myself and i tried to talk to my family about my severe lack of motivation and very low self esteem but my family wont help me they see me as the black sheep of the family everyone in my family is happy and joyous meanwhile i’m the only one who’s extremely negative and sad all the time my Brother who i thought could help me only says things to me like why are you so negative and then when i mess something up or do something wrong he calls me worthless i’m just starting not to care anymore i still don’t know how to drive i’ve never had a job before i’m extremely anti social i cant go to the gas station to get some soda or snacks anymore because i worry i might say something wrong or if people are talking behind me i feel as if they are talking about me and i start to wonder if i did something wrong but i just want to get out of this depression i want to know how it feels to wake up one sunny morning to birds chirping and have a big happy smile on my face instead of waking up at 2:00 pm because i can only fall asleep at 4 in the morning and am always tired because of my lack of sleep i want to know who i am i want to have a reason to live a reason to keep going i have no goals i don’t know what i want to be but i want to be something anything instead of being in my room all day with headphones on and watching the internet and playing videogames

I made a suicide plan and it scares me

I'm not intending to commit suicide. But I came up with a plan, for the event that I changed my mind, I guess. I've struggled with depression/anxiety for a long time, but I've never had as concrete an idea of how I would do it until now. And that really scares me. I have a neurological disorder that causes chronic pain and muscle spasms, and I feel like it's deteriorating my normal level of function. I have considered myself high-functioning for a long time. I've been in and out of therapy (currently out) for years, but it's never been helpful. Therapists have told me I seem very self-aware, but that I'm closed off. It's a struggle to talk to anyone about anything personal, especially if it's negative. So this is really hard for me, to post like this. I'm hoping the anonymity of the internet makes it easier. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about this. I don't want them to know, or blame themselves, or worry. But the dissociation and suicide ideation are getting really bad, and I don't know what to do.

Morning disgust

Hello there. Been diagnosed with severe depression two years ago. Now i got rid of medications, and there has been no problem for month or two. School started and I noticed how often i would get sick due to weather change. I also started to be more nervous in open spaces, even at home. But the worst thing that came back are the mornings... each day, in early hours, I would wake up, with sudden... disgust? I dont know how to explain it... basically the thought of getting up is terrifying. It feels like torture. Whenever i would think of something positive, my brain would deny it, or even worse, make my positive thoughts negative. Telling me i am all alone, that this is forever, and that I am a bad person for not doing anything about it. I know i am very sensitive person, But i havenť seen anyone so terrified by this. People would judge me and tell me that it's my duty to go to school. They would start explaining it to me like I am some stupid outcast who thinks he can do whatever he wants. I know that i canť, but this issue is stopping me from doing so. Now that it's back... I am terrified more than ever. It is easier to overcome it by getting up with no thought, but it is still hard and life consuming. I don't know what to do, have you ever experienced something like this?

Deleting everything

I’ve thought about it a lot these past few months. I want to completely wipe all of my electronics and just get rid of them. There’s nothing bad on them or anything, I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. The only thing stopping me from doing so is my online friend. We’ve been friends for about 3 years and he’s the most supportive person I’ve ever had in my life. If I get rid of everything, I won’t be able to talk to him anymore. Part of me doesn’t want to stay in touch with him though. It may sound weird but I feel like if I lose touch with someone important in my life such as him, I’d have an excuse to cut ties with everyone else. I know it doesn’t make much sense. It’s not only that though. I want to get rid of a majority of the things I own and I want to stop talking to people altogether. I wish I could just run away but I don’t know what I’m trying to run away from. I wish I could start life over again, but we all know that can’t happen. My original plan was just to move far away when I turn 18, leave everything behind, and never look back. I don’t know what I want to do or even what I should do.

17 yo male

I've been depressed for 5 years now and I really need help. I've struggled with cutting and self worth and self image. I finally opened up to my parents but it honestly didn't make it ANY better. I want help but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with many people. I'm a Christian but not a very mature one at that. My parents want me to read the Bible and find helpful verses and seek comfort and peace in God. While I agree it works i don't know if I'm mature enough to do it. Any advice would help.

Losing hope.

How am I suppose to be a single father, work full time to provide for my family, while trying to get us out of the shelter system? During this time I am dealing with my divorce and the one person that has been helping me is ignoring me. Now I'm questioning everything that I do, smiling on the outside so my kids dont see how much of a broken mess I am. I feel so overburdened, lost and just going through the motions until either something works out or it all fails. I sometime just wish I didnt exsist, but I know I cant just disappear because my kids need someone they can rely on,but who do I rely on? Who is going to help me? Im not religious and I cant believe in something without proof, so god isnt comforting it just feels like people are using it as a way to dismiss whats real. Idk what's going on but anymore I'm just losing everything while trying to hold everything together.

I'm terrified

I'm terrified that I'm going to spend the whole of my life wanting to die. I'm scared of suicide and don't want to attempt it, but I'm also afraid of living. I'm so scared of failing the people around me but I feel like I'll do that no matter what. I haven't spoken to my best mate in days (a long time for us), and I'm both terrified of losing him and of letting him down by being a burden. I just..can't pretend to be happy with him right now, but I don't want to bring him down to my level either or worry him. Hopefully he'll forget about me.... holy fuck, what if he forgets about me? I'm afraid of becoming overwhelmed by work, but I can't seem to get myself out of bed and get the work done. I'm too scared to face it. I'm scared of leaving my room in case I see roommates. I don't want to talk to them or for them to see me like this. I need to eat but I'm afraid of going out to buy food. I know I'm spiraling. I know the depression is taking over. I'm terrified of that happening, but at the same time I don't know if I WANT to be in control any more. I'm too scared of that too. Fuck. I'm just afraid. Of everything.

My wife has turned heartless, and it's making my whole soul want to writhe out of my body

I'm pretty sure my marriage is over and I just don't know what to do. Most would turn to their friends but I have none. Some would turn to their family, but my family has only anger. I've been horribly depressed most of my life, trying to kill myself at 8 years old. I have tried not giving a fuck and it's just never worked. I have no outlet for this feeling. No part of it is acceptable. I constantly say to control myself, but I hate myself so much. I don't know how to heal or to accept this path that she assures me I've chosen. I just want to keep my family together. I love this woman more than I have ever loved anything in my whole life, but she doesn't see it. I love my kids and their probably the only thing that's keeping me alive at this point. I don't know why I'm posting here. No one can tell me how to flip this situation to one where I succeed, that's up to her.

I feel my life is worthless, I'm ready to end it all, please help me. I've posted for help, and I don't know where to turn to now. I feel more depressed now than ever before in my life.

I've posted about my current situation in other subreddits asking for advice, people don't believe me. I don't know what to do. My posts get removed, I do not know why. Here is my situation, I posted about this on tifu and other subreddits. Throwaway account. This did not actually happen today, this has been a huge progressive fuck up that's been building up steam for months now. Please Reddit I need your help, and advice. Please! I've been married for 25 years, currently have 4 kids, and let me tell you when you've been married for this long, lot's of things can get into your head, shit rattles around there, echoes, ferments in a way that other's sometimes just can't comprehend. At times I feel blessed to have been married for so long, but at times living in here Tallahassee, in bum fuck Florida, in a shitty rental just gets to yea, you know? Sometimes the stresses of parenthood can be at times almost suffocating, I hope at least some of you out here, anyone really can just understand where I'm coming from. Working as an insurance broker living paycheck to paycheck wasn't my dream job, yet its the one I have to make due with, but I guess all this shit really started just after my 4th son was born, at home my relationship with my wife begun souring. Bills were piling up, and even after long hard days in the office my wife would yell, and cuss at me for wanting to smoke a pack of marlboro's, and drink some budweiser in peace in my living room, in the house I pay for like I always would but for some stupid ass reason she flipped on me. She began blue balling me since then, she stopped wanting to have fun in bed, time, and time again I would go to her, try to get it on like I had done before, and I just got no love from her, she acted like a cold hearted pasty white bitch, and not just when I was looking to get it on with her. But this pattern, this taboo purgatory I now found myself in, it was nothing temporary it became a new acceptance, a new reality, a new sign of defeat for me. Not only did I now have to put up with a shitty job, in a small home, where I couldn't even relax in peace like I used to, but now my wife was cutting me off from the little bit of pleasure I found being with her. I had dedicated nothing but my whole life, finances, everything I had to our family, and now this is the thanks I got. She would tell me to go, and play, and spend time with the kids like I hadn't, when she knew damn well I was exhausted after work at night times. So I decided from then on I had to do something about this set of unfortunate circumstances I now faced. Inspired to go have some fun, and have finally a release I well deserved; after work I began instead of going straight back to my prison of a home, I instead decided to go out to bars, nightclubs, telling my wife when she texted about where I was, that I was just burning the midnight oil, working hard filing paperwork, just making up job crap she wouldn't even look into anyways. At those clubs I had the time of my life. It became like an addiction to me. For weeks upon weeks I'd go to different nightclubs, and bar hop night after night after work, I didn't just savior my time there I indulged in it, there I'd hook up with women looking for more than just fun. For some reason during this time I was able to hook up with a few local black chicks that'd be hitting the club scene, never in my life did I ever think I as a blond ass kid from Pensacola would I be hooking up like this, most of the times after drinking, and chatting with them, we'd hang out in my car, and have some fun in a parking lot we'd drive to, and spend a few hours at, during this time I'd never use protection, maybe it was the combination of being drunk, or dazed but at that time I just didn't care. During this time I met this hot black chick with an afro, we'll call her "Mandy", and after dancing with her at a nightclub late one night we really hit it off, but after my typical one night stand, this girl was different. We grew to have a connection, as days went by we started getting flirty over texts, and soon I grew to have a secret relationship with her, while my wife knew nothing about it. I even took several "business trips" to her place during this time. Every time I went it was well worth it. At first she was very sweet to me, and considerate, we even smoked pot together, which for me was a first. Finally for once in my life I thought I had found the perfect work life, sex balance. I'd wake up, say bye to the kids, go to work, afterwards let loose at the clubs till 3am, come back while the wife is asleep, and so on. And finally with Mandy in the mix, I had someone to actually connect to when I wanted. Unlike my wife she was in her early 20s, my wife late 40s, I've seen garbage fires that look better than her. Mandy always gave excellent blowjobs, its like she had lips of an angel, unlike my wife who never gave me oral. But that's when everything went to shit. Mandy came to me two weeks ago, and stated she's pregnant. She took a test, and showed me the results. I don't know what to do, I can't let my wife, or kids find out. Mandy is threatening to tell my wife, about her, and the baby. She has been calling he angrily about this, she blames me for her pregnancy, but she wants to keep that baby. She tells me she doesn't want to be "just the other woman." She doesn't want to be "a dirty little secret." I don't know what to do. I got so angry at that fucking bitch, we got into a heated argument. I haven't been going to work for the past few days now, I've been making sure Mandy doesn't come to my house, if she does, I'm thinking of calling the cops on that thug. I can't let my wife, or my kids know the truth. I need your help, please, what should I do? I need help, and advice. I want to save the marriage, I can't let my kids go through a divorce, my wife still does not know anything. I hate this whole fucking situation. I hate my life, why the hell would this happen to me?? How can I convince Mandy not to tell my wife? I don't know what to do, should I get a restraining order on her? Please help me anyone, I don't know who to go to for help. TL:DR had several affairs with women I met at nightclubs, hit it off really well with one, now she's pregnant, and wants to tell my wife! Please help me, I don't want to live anymore, I'm thinking of running off, maybe buying a shotgun. Where can I turn to? Help please anyone. My life is worthless. I feel numb inside.

Those who’ve dealt with it longer than I - how?

So I’m a 20 y.o. F who’s currently on her sophomore year in college. I was diagnosed with severe depression and a panic attack disorder about two years ago. Since then I’ve dealt with two changes in medication, a suicide attempt and moving away to my own apartment and away from all my family and friends. Since starting school I’ve realized I’ve become incredibly isolated. The only time I’ll have human touch is when my boyfriend visits me for the weekend, and unless a professor or a group member speaks to me, generally throughout the day I won’t have a conversation with anyone. Even my parents don’t talk to me everyday. I’ve joined a DnD group and have made attempts to push myself out of this crippling isolation but how do you make friends when more than have your days are bad mental health days? My depression has worsened significantly since moving and to help myself I got a 3 month old puppy that I’m training to be my service animal. Honestly, that baby is most of the reason I get out of bed as puppies don’t care if you have depression - they need to be trained. I’ve also made another doctors appointment to see about yet another med adjustment. I also got in contact with a therapist but I honestly don’t see how it will help much being as though I can only go to one session a month. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live like this? Like is this going to be my life from now on- just barely struggling by with less than a hand full of people who would actually give a shit if I failed miserably? I just need to hear from more experienced depressed individuals- how did you survive?

I just want to quit everything and say @&*% it, need advice

Long story 20yo, 3rd year in college and having a very rough patch. I was one of those “gifted” kids that never studied which started biting me in the butt once I got to IB high school. Got burnt out before I even got to college. Had issues with depression in high school as well. Fast forward to today and this semester isn’t even half way over and I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail 4/6 of my classes, I have no motivation to do anything nor can I make myself care about not failing exams. I would hate the professors but I just feel too exhausted to give a crap about them. Half the time I don’t show up to classes, even the ones I liked at the beginning of the semester, and when I do show up I’m sitting staring at a wall or rewatching a dumb video on reddit or instagram or whatever. I’ve regularly had suicidal thoughts since high school about jumping off a parking garage or crashing my car but I know I’ll never do it because of my family and my pet and responsibilities or whatever. I know I need to work at it and all but I can’t seem to find the “light at the end of the tunnel”. I can feel anxious about failing a class but I can’t bring myself to really care about it. My best friend says I’m just burnt out and my therapist is considering medication. I just don’t know what to do or how to get past just pushing through and get to “living for myself”. Not sure if this all made sense. TLDR: lack of motivation doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel about life. Not sure if medication helps this or not and could use some advice in general on how to get through depressive episodes.

Im 21 yrs old, have never kissed a girl, the loneliness is killing me

**Sorry for the rant:** So yea, it kinda sucks - I was never the popular kid in school really and honestly didnt have many friends back in highschool, and have only had 1 actual girlfriend (I had 2 others during junior high but...you know...those dont count as it was junior high and they only lasted like 1 week each lol) who had what ill call "bad character traits" for someone you want to have as your girlfriend. Ive come to terms with it and am fine with it since im in the adult world now and have more to focus on, however I cant help feel depressed as im going to be finished college within a year, going to be buying a 2 part house with my parents eventually and actually start my career and adult life but I cant ever seem to get girls to even look at me and its honestly depressing. Ontop of that even if girls *were* interested in me I wouldnt know how to read any signs or know a good way to ask them out - the closest I came was last year with a girl in one of my classes but I heard her talk about her boyfriend and that kinda put a stop to any thoughts about dating her around then. Adding to this im always feeling lonely most of the time, as pretty much all my friends in college have girlfriends or have atleast have had a better and more eventful relationship then me. Its getting to the point where im thinking to myself im just not one of those people persons because i generally work better by myself, and will end up growing old and alone except being that kind of person terrifies me because thats now how I want to live my life. Anyway I guess thats my first rant on here, I would appreciate any advice someone can give me to help stop the loneliness or be more of a people person, going to post this in the other sub and see if I can get any help there.

Please help me. I cant fucking do this.

I cant fucking do this. I cant fucking do this. Its been so goddamn long since ive actually felt happy. I hate myself and i dont really feel like i have anything to look forward to. Ive tried it all, meds, therapy, hobbies,tv shows, books, work. Nothing works. Im still at sqaure one. I still come home ever day barely keeping myself from just ending it. No one would miss me. Im so fucking generic and useless. Im not even a good person. Truth be told, im defensive and hot tempered to the point where anyone that has made an effort to get closer to me is driven away pretty early. I feel like i have no control over this nightmare rather im just along for the ride. Ive tried, i genuinely tried and nothing works. I feel so isolated. Im so alone. I cant tell whats real and whats not. Not that anyone here really cares, i guess part of me hopes someone will tell me something i havent heard before, some actual advice , thats worked for other people- or at the very least give me a reason not to curl up and die. Or ill just get the whole "it doesnt work like that" thing Fuck this is pointless too isnt it. I hate myself.

I need help

First off im not sure if i have depression or not, i hope thats not a problem here, but I want to tell my parents how i feel and have been feeling for the past 2 years now, i just don't know how to even begin to do that, if anyone here has had to do this or knows a good way to do it plz let me know ( ive never told or hinted at this to my parents before, i think they know something wrong but they most likely are thinking laziness or something) im scared as hell of doing this to but i feel like i have to because im afraid of myself at this point, what i might do, ive been thinking about suicide for a while now, i hardly smile and its genuine, i don't want to die but at the same time i do but thats not the point, im not on meds and im not going to a therapist, hell i dont even know whats wrong with me, thats why i need to tell them so i can figure out how to help myself

How do I forgive myself?

7 years ago I met this amazing girl on Instagram when we were both 13. She lived in Ohio and I was from Massachusetts. We talked as friends and grew into a relationship. At the time I knew I wanted her for the rest of my life but I still fell into selfish ways. I would break up with her and talk to other girls. While she just waited cause she was head over heals for me and then we’d get back together and that happened countless times.. the final time I broke up with her I really didn’t want to. I was taking advice from my dad because some stuff went down and we were going to meet in person again for another summer and we’d already been talking for 3 years online. So I asked my dad if I should wait till next summer to finally take the chance? I was angry that we couldn’t see each other and I was upset.. we’d been planning all year to meet this time and it was ruined because of some stupid stuff she did with her friends.. my dad told me that eventually I’d find someone else and I shouldn’t waste my youth on one relationship when there’s thousands of different chances.. so I broke up with her.. it was one of the hardest parts of her life. She was alone and hurting because I left her again.. I had a itch in the back of my mind that “this isn’t what you want don’t make the same stupid mistakes again, you’re in love with her..” a few weeks go by or maybe months and she found someone else. A physical relationship and I just broke. I said some really cruel things to her, very very cruel things.. she told me “I want you to hurt like you hurt me” and I went ballistic and i said “fine you want to see me hurt?” And I proceeded to cut my self at least a hundred times on my thighs and repeatedly sending her pictures of what I was doing and she begged me to stop and she cried and she pleaded and I just wouldn’t.. years go by she’s been in a few relationships and we don’t talk.. I find a girl who abused me but I took it because I felt that’s what I deserved.. she cheated on me and left me, I was having a breakdown and the girl from Ohio would occasionally check on me. She saw that we broke up and she messaged me. Her relationship with her last boyfriend wasn’t really working out and they broke up so we decided to talk again as friends and help each other out.. she eventually went to a mental hospital because she wanted to kill herself but I called her everyday she was there.. we had amazing conversations and I could tell she was starting to feel okay now that she was taking medication and getting some therapy.. when she got out I bought her a plane ticket and she came to see me, spent a month here and everything was going amazing and we started dating again.. when she went home I really missed her, we’d talk on the phone and text and stuff but I really missed her. I was supposed to fly out in November so I can be there for her birthday but I begged she’d come back in October cause I missed her so much, because of that she missed her appointments and couldn’t get her medication and stuff and she’s been here for a bit now. But she doesn’t want to be with me.. the month before everything seemed okay. It was like we were in love again and she said that she thought she was but now that she’s off her medication she’s falling back into her old toxic behaviors she started developing after the things I did to her.. we argued a lot the first week she was here and I wish I would’ve just kept my mouth shut and I wish that I would’ve just went in November because we’d probably still be together right now.. she leaves October 24th and it kills me seeing her here knowing that I had her again.. knowing I was a lot better.. but she doesn’t want me anymore.. she says she doesn’t want anyone for awhile until she can love herself.. and there’s basically no chance I’ll have her back.. how do I forgive myself? How do I stop hating myself? How do I love myself? How do I let her go? How do I stop these suicidal thoughts? I’d really appreciate some advice.. I know I don’t deserve sympathy.. that’s not what I want.. I want to be okay.. I want to be able to keep living.. but my thoughts are bringing me down and killing me..