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159,571 | "Paul is dead" hoax | # "Paul is dead" hoax
Hard Day's Night.jpg
The term "**Paul is dead**" (PID) refers to an urban legend or a hoax perpetrated either on the musical group The Beatles by their fans or vice-versa. According to the legend, bass guitarist and singer Paul McCartney was replaced by a lookalike after his alleged death in an auto accident in the mid-1960s. Proponents of this hoax cite obscure clues embedded within the Beatles' lyrics, symbolism in their album covers, and Wings as evidence that the "real" Paul didn't survive into the '70s.
## Origin
1964-68.jpg
The origin of the legend may stem from a 26 December 1965 moped accident that left McCartney with a scarred lip. Thanks to the Beatles' immense popularity, this relatively minor incident ballooned greatly within months --- informal polls showed that in spring 1966 many fans were convinced that Paul had been t-boned by a lorry, and by the beginning of the recording process for 1967's *Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band* some diehard Paul enthusiasts had accused John Lennon of hijacking an Royal Air Force fighter and crashing it into Paul's bike in the hopes of taking his co-lead singer status in the band.
Many comparisons have been made to McCartney's physical appearance pre- and post-accident, with some fans claiming that it was impossible, even considering injuries incurred in the crash, that McCartney's appearance should change so much in so short a time. The image at left details some of these physical anomalies.
## Album clues
### *Rubber Soul*
Soul.jpg
The 3 December 1965 release of *Rubber Soul* helped fuel the initial rumors of Paul's death. Several lines of the song "Drive My Car" reputedly refer to his accident:
: *Baby you can drive my car* -- refers to the relinquishment of Paul's ownership of his moped due to his death.
: *Beep beep, beep beep yeah* -- mimics the sound of Paul's horn as he crashes.
: *I, Paul, am totally dead* -- Unknown what this one refers to.
However, as *Rubber Soul* was released three weeks before the accident, these "clues" are not considered airtight by most PID theorists.
### *Yesterday and Today*
and Today.jpg
Rumors of McCartney's death began in earnest after the initial release of *Yesterday and Today*. The album's original cover featured the four Beatles covered in bloody meat and the limbs of dismembered dolls. Two of the dolls draped on McCartney are missing their heads, implying that he was decapitated in his auto accident. He is also wearing a watch, indicating perhaps that his time on Earth is up or that he is late for a dentist appointment. Also see that in Paul's right arm you can see a set of teeth biting him. This is because the wreck was so horrific, that even dental records were useless in identifying the body.
### *Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band*
. Pepper's.jpg
*Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band* is a haven for "clues" and contains perhaps the most about McCartney's death. The detailed album art, featuring the four Beatles arrayed with a plethora of cardboard cutouts representing famous historical figures and celebrity, gives fans many opportunities to find evidence for Paul's demise.
The first clue is that on the album Paul is the only bareheaded Beatle, as everyone knows that dead people can't afford hats. Although John Lennon also appears to be bareheaded, PID theorists contend that he could actually be wearing a wig. Additionally, in the upper right corner of the cover there is a man in green who appears to be looking towards Paul (or possibly Ringo Starr), and select letters from the album title can be rearranged to spell "PAUL'S DEATH" or "SHOOT LENNON", the latter an apparent prophecy that Mark David Chapman misinterpreted thirteen years later.
The album was the first of its kind to contain a booklet with lyrics to the songs on the inside. In the booklet the other three Beatles are facing the camera, while Paul is backwards. This is suppose to mean one of three things: 1) The imposter Paul is trying to hide his phoniness, 2) it is the real body of Paul and they turned it around as not show the decomposing flesh and scars, or 3) Paul is eating the cameraman's sandwich and doesn't want him to know. There are more clues in the lyrics and the artwork. At the bottom of the page, George is pointing to the lines from "She's Leaving Home", *"Wednesday morning at 5 o'clock"*, which is the time that Paul woke up on Wednesdays when he was alive but cannot anymore because of his death. There is also a line from "Lovely Rita", ""I took her home, I nearly made it""; Paul claims that this was when he once had an early orgasm while engaging in intercourse with his girlfriend. This is another clue for the PIDs that it is an impostor; the real Paul was born knowing how to to give great sex, and only Faul would have an embarrassing moment like that. In the song "Within You Without You", George sings, *"Life flows on within you and without you."* It is still uncertain what this means, but many theorists believe it is probably important. Even in the song "Good Morning Good Morning" it begins with, *"Nothing to do to, save his life, call his wife in."*; this is said to be what John Lennon said when Paul died and had to tell Paul's first wife Jane. In actuality, Lennon claims that this part of the song is about a man who dies and his wife is mildly annoyed by it.
Probably the most consistently-cited proof of McCartney's death is the track "A Day in the Life", which chronicles the traffic accident of an unnamed man who "blew his mind out in a car" when he "didn't notice that the lights had changed." The middle verse of the song describes a man drinking coffee and smoking --- both activities Paul was known to engage in --- and the final jumbled words, when played backwards, sound remarkably like the well-known phrase "Paul McCartney has been dead for ages, honestly" in reverse.
Rarely mentioned, but nonetheless overwhelmingly convincing, is the fact that Paul is holding an English horn, a distant relative of the oboe. Its haunting, melancholy sound invades soundtracks of countless motion pictures as soon as someone is about to depart this world. Paul's visible attraction to this instrument is a tragic omen; the coincidence of an English man holding an English horn is too unlikely to dismiss.
### *Magical Mystery Tour*
Mystery Tour.jpg
The cover for *Tragical Mystery Tour* depicts the Beatles dressed up as animals. Paul, apparently adorned as a walrus, wears a mask that obscures most of his face. This has led fans to surmise that the Paul on the cover *is* the real McCartney, exhumed for the photo shoot and covered to hide the signs of decomposition. Additionally, the walrus is often cited as a symbol of death in many cultures; to date, no culture has actually stepped forward to admit this.
There are many clues in the twenty-four page coloring book that was released with the album. Page 26 (Paul's age if he were alive) contains an image of a bus; this is obviously an ambulance that came to pick up Paul. It also says below, "They are five miles north of the Dewbury Road and are having a wonderful time." Some people believe this is where Paul hung out on occasion when he was alive and had fun. In the song "I Am the Walrus"... I'm not telling.
### *The White Album*
Album.jpg
Often seen as a tribute to Paul --- a white man --- *The White Album* contains numerous PID clues within its tracks. The song "Revolution 9", a collection of experimental studio sounds and seemingly-random sound effects, actually contains the entire eulogy said at Paul's funeral when the song is played backwards. Skeptics scoff at this as either coincidental or a humorous response to the legend by the Beatles, though the official coroner's records included in the album insert are difficult to explain away so easily.
In "Glass Onion", Lennon also makes the statement that "the walrus was Paul," which could either mean that:
1. The walrus on the *Magical Mystery Tour* cover is the real Paul.
2. The walrus on the *Magical Mystery Tour* cover is the fake Paul, representing the death of the real Paul.
3. Paul was actually a walrus.
Most theorists omit the third option, as it is unrealistic.
### *Abbey Road*
Road.jpg
The front of the *Abbey Road* album is often viewed as a kind of funeral procession for McCartney. In front, Lennon leads the way as a white-garbed priest, with Ringo Starr following behind in black clothing to signify mourning. McCartney comes next apparently in some sort of box, followed by George Harrison as a Tombstone in work clothes. Furthermore, the closest moving car in the photo is in McCartney's lane; if it backed up (towards the camera) it would run over only McCartney, assuming George jumped out of the way.
### *Let It Be*
It Be.jpg
In the track "The Long and Winding Road" on *Let It Be*, Paul can be heard singing tearfully, as if he knows he is already dead. In the lyrics of the title song, "Let It Be", Paul uses cryptic lyricism that actually states that everyone should "let it be" and accept the cold, hard fact that is he dead. The mention of religious figures like "Mother Mary" can also signify he is dead, as the Bible indicates she always hangs out with St. Peter at the gates of Heaven just because she "likes to annoy the hell out of him, pun intended." Also, Paul grew a beard, which indicates that he is dead; in fact, the rest of The Beatles' beards are clues as well, as they all indicate that he is dead.
Finally, the *Let It Be* album cover is black. The first, and the last, black Beatles album cover. Ever. Possibly to symbolize the end, or death, of the Beatles? Or maybe it was to symbolize the death of *a* Beatle? Also, the three Beatles' (John, George, and Ringo) background squares are adorned in white, while Paul's, the poor unfortunate soul, is depicted with a blood red background. This might have just been an unfortunate incident on the photographer part, it might have been his best shot and they could have used it. Not noticing what was behind Paul. Or maybe it was a little joke on the Beatles' part, they did love those. Or maybe they were feeling guilty about something much more unfortunate...
## Post-Beatles
Even five decades after the breakup of the Beatles, many fans still insist that the Paul McCartney who continues to record and tour is an imposter and that the true Paul died at the height of his musical career in the 1960s. Despite refutation from every Beatles member as well as the late Linda McCartney and the lack of any true evidence for the belief, conspiracy theorists refuse to let go of the notion.
In his book *Turn Me On, Dead Man*, considered the most exhaustive investigation of the "Paul is dead" legend, writer Andru J. Reeve concludes that "It may be hard to swallow, but yes, the 'Yesterday' Paul is the same as the 'Band on the Run' Paul. Sorry."
## The Truth
After using investigative techniques such as fingerprinting, going through his house, and spying on him with closed-circuit surveillance, the reality of it was truly clear. Everyone but Paul died in The Beatles, and somehow nobody noticed because according to interviews conducted by *The National Enquirer*, the fans noticed no difference in appearance of The Beatles between '62 and '70. The truth is, the fans were duped.
Back in 1965, Ringo married a woman named Maureen Cox, who was actually the third cousin of objectivist Ayn Rand, who claimed in her books that she, "hated men and their sheepish ways of thinking," from her most famous work, *Atlas Sucked*. Maureen, based on her hatred of men, found the wedding to be a mistake, and "accidentally" drove him off a bridge somewhere in Liverpool. Ringo's twin brother replaced him shortly after, and it was so covert that nobody else in The Beatles knew about it. Not even Ringo.
George Harrison and John Lennon were abducted by the Chinese Mafia on November 9, 1966. While heading towards the Chinese embassy the Chinese Mafia failed to make a turn signal and crashed into the car of Lovely Rita, who, coincidentally, was just leaving from work. She worked as a call-girl somewhere in Liverpool. Harrison and Lennon suffered blows to their pride and died of lack of hubris two hours later. They were replaced by the comedy team "Harrisong and Limon", who were widely known around Liverpool and nowhere else, and who strangely looked, talked, songwrote, and acted like Lennon and Harrison. Again, nobody noticed this. Not even Harrison and Lennon.
Paul is the only surviving Beatle. And in fact, the clues mentioned earlier were only a facade to draw attention away from the three dead members. Currently, Ringo, John, and George are all buried somewhere in Siberia, but these speculations remain inconclusive, as one Liverpudlian stated that Ringo's grave was located near a marina with a Yellow Submarine parked in one of the docks. No word has been mentioned yet on who owns that submarine. | 6 |
11,846 | "Weird Al" Yankovic | # "Weird Al" Yankovic
Image:Unabomber-sketch.png
Image:weird-alice-cooper.jpg
> He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.
> He's just weird.
**Weird Al Yankovic**, AKA "Weird" Al Yankovic, AKA Weird Al "Yankovic", or better known by his pseudonym **"Alfred Matthew" Yankovic**, was born in Siberia from a hole in the snow. He later became famous after Nikita Khrushchev listened to "Let's Bomb Iraq" and promoted him to Entertainer In Chief of the KGB at the tender age of 8. Yankovic later moved to America, following an invitation by U.S. President Richard Nixon for tea, and a nice little record party. The Russians misinterpreted this act as treason, and Yankovic currently lives in exile as a wanted criminal of the Putin regime. If you have any information concerning Yankovic, please contact your local Russian consulate immediately. He is the son of **King Alfred Yankovic VI**.
## Musical Career
Weird Al's musical career is one of the greatest in human history, rivaling that of Bach, The Beatles, Mariah Carey before her meltdown, and the late future King of Dubai, Michael Jackson. All of his albums sold double platinum, counting only the records sold in the vicinity of the family hizzy-house in Lynwood, California (USA). He quickly made a name for himself due to witty lyrics, a fancy moustache, incredible beauty, and the help of his agents and Nazi Field Marshalls Gerd von Rundstedt and Erwin Rommel, while being white and nerdy never hurts.
He was nominated for Mr. Universe six years in a row, but never won the prize due to his inability to wear anything but swim-suits or oddly striped pants. *"Without an evening gown, you simply can't win"*, his close friend Charlie Chaplin said after the sixth time, and Weird Al then decided never to enter the contest again. To protest against this, his fans nominated a full-size cardboard replica of him, and - as they where able to dress it up in an evening gown - the cardboard dummy-Al won The 1999 Mr. Universe contest easily. Fans all over the world rejoiced at this mark of human achievement. However, the artist himself did not have time to watch the contest or receive the congratulating flowers, as he was busy running with scissors stuck in some lasagna while trying to eat it, because he was fat.
Image:WeirdAlYankovic.jpg
### Controversy
No song Weird Al has ever written has been blatantly copied by people calling themselves "pop stars." If you ask anyone on the street he'll tell you that this is because Weird Al is at the center of a top-level government conspiracy, which is a cover for Al ruling the world with his mind-controlling polkas, which is a cover for the ultra-top-top level super-secret government conspiracy against him. The super government claims that Al is a copycat, but Al retorts that the others are copycats, and it goes back and forth until somebody's momma has to be called in. This, my friends, is what *Angry White Boy Polka* is all about!
Much more controversy surrounded Weird Al after his fight to the death with Neo. After this death match Neo was said to have stated, "We were merely discussing last night's episode of **60 Minutes**."
He's also rumored to have been born in 1959, when in fact he is 906 years old and not just over 50, having, in fact, been born in 1106.
### Suicide in the late 1990's
According to Hank Hill, sometime guitar plucker and propane gas salesman, Weird Al was depressed that nobody bought his songs any more in the later 1990's (he hit his peak in the 1980's according to Hank) and placed a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger with his toe. Three days later, he came back to life because he is the Accordion Jesus and healed his own wounds. When asked about this suicide attempt, Weird Al just smiles and says "Kurt Cobain. I never really killed myself like that Orion Blastar guy did and come back to life. If I did they'd call me Serious Al instead of Weird Al."
Hank Hill later confessed that he made it all up, so his son Bobby wouldn't try to be like Weird Al and be more like himself and join the family business, but Wikipedia accepted it as a fact and placed it on Weird Al's article that he had killed himself. The real fact is that it never happened and Weird Al would never kill himself, especially when he has such a great career after him even if he is way too white and nerdy. After Bobby Hill died from an overdose of Oxycontin, the Hill family was later sued by the estate of Weird Al Yankovic for fraud, second degree murder, and never letting Bobby out of the house for more than five minutes.
## Present day
In recent years, Weird Al has removed the mustache, sexy legs, and failing to be a prominent llama breeder, has devoted all his time to his wife Zelda and his two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. (He's very, very, very happy because Nat and Superfly are pimped out) While trying to be a good family man, Weird Al also has had several unsuccessful attempts at reaching Nirvana, hometown of the eligible Legendary Rocker Curt Cobain. Failing this, he instead has settled for living in the Democratic Republic of Chiswick, England after watching too many Pirates of the Caribbean movies. To accomplish this task, Weird Al has been buying up treasure maps from pirates during the last five years, trying to find a way to get to the town. He came quite close to reaching it once, but was forced to turn back because he had a bad hair day.
## The Real Nintendo 64 kid
Yankovic confirmed on his all totally pimped-out MySpace page that **Brandon Puma**, the viral video Nintendo 64 whiz, *was the paternal son of Weird Al*. He covered a spoof of the N64 video in a way like this:
: (Sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star)
: *Oh my God, it's a Nintendo 64!!!*
: *But oh sister, you're such a whore --*
: *Stealing my spotlight and my fame,*
: *You're such a bitch that I won't share you my game!*
That song made Puma more famous and got him enough money to buy a Wii.
## Legacy
### Just Eat It
Many people felt threatened by the incisive nature of such lyrics as "Just eat it," and felt the need to satire this great man, notably that Michael Jackson's "Beat It" was an obviously poor joke, with none of the grace or wisdom that Weird Al possessed. He was allegedly killed by a mob of angry cabbages (Michael Jackson fans) that had to be put down with boiling water, and since then, there has been a national day of mourning every December 25th. It was also theorized that Al also could have either choked to death from swallowing a Nerf ball, or died from an infected paper cut while mailing a letter to his evil twin. Before that day, it was widely believed the only way to harm Weird Al was to force him to rip out his own heart, throw it on the floor, and stomp on it until he dies, "Rather than spending one more minute with you. Atlantic Records
### Weird Al Sightings
There have been many alleged sightings of Weird Al (A.K.A. Tomás de Torquemada) in France. Some theories say that he decided to fake his own death after discovering he was a genius there. This is hotly debated among high school dropouts and Austrians. This causes a huge amount of friction between the two, normally very docile groups, which one group refers to the other as "lamerz" and the other simply shrugging and continuing on with their manual labor. It is believed by many that he faked his own death using the most believable method of the time; mobs of cabbages with something to prove.
### The Trouble With Cabbages and No Boiling Water
Cabbages frequently feel inadequate because they feel superior in intellect to iceberg lettuce, which has a much better taste, originates from California, and yet gets more credit just because it's from California. It is also believed that Weird Al is secretly building an Army of cabbages to try and make another go at a takeover of the world, and that his most trusted circle of cabbages partook in his fake death. He chose cabbages for many reasons, including but not limited to the following:
1. The fact that cabbages are susceptible to the Ludovico treatment. Even though they believe themselves to be superior to iceberg lettuce, they aren't.
2. Aren't as tasty as iceberg lettuce and therefore he won't be as tempted to eat the army this time. (perhaps on a bull-ogg-nuh sandwich)
3. Most importantly he believes cabbages to be more loyal to him than the Catholic Church was during his last attempted Genocide.
It has been suggested by P. Diddy and Russell Simmons that the mob of cabbages was actually hired by Coolio. Others, such as his best friend in the whole stinking world Harvey the Wonder Hamster, believe Prince was responsible.
### Weird Al is Better Than Emeril Lagasse
Allegedly makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich. For what it's worth. Prefers singing about LA-las-agna to eating it. Especially if it has meat sauce since he is a ovo-lacto-beta-vegetarian.
### Weird Al, Framer of the Articles of Universal Excuse
Al is also the ghostwriter of the first five amendments to the United States Constitution, originally named the Bill of Rights. These five amendments were later repealed due to defendants in murder trials misusing them as a loophole to receive their "unalienable right" to "party," which Living Document subscribers interpreted to mean free sweet corn and state-provided hookers, bling, guns, and Mariah Carey. After the removal of the Bill of Rights, which consisted simply of five separate oil-and-pencil drawings of the rear end of a famous politician from Yankovic's vacay resort of Guadalajara, Mexico, Congress drafted the ten amendments we now know as the United States Bill of Rights.
### You're Pitiful
Image:72620609.jpgContrary to popular opinion (which is whatever Oscar Wilde says it is in Uncyclopedia#), **Weird Al *has* written music after *Eat It***. Although many think that Yankovic was so brokenhearted after Michael Jackson satirized this power ballad with his *Beat It* that he never wrote another song, this is simply not true. In fact, boys and girls, shortly before committing suicide yesterday when he realized that you don't love him anymore, and Coolio liked him all along, he gave [this song](http://media.thechrispirilloshow.com/mp3/yourepitiful.mp3) to the impoverished hooligan masses for free download. It is a bitter rant against Dante and his dratted Hell#, without which he would not have to listen to a noisy ice machine for all eternity. It is by far his best song, consisting mostly of said ice machine performing a 27-minute instrumental solo. Listen to it in his memory. Please.
### Straight Into Compton
As it turns out, Keira Knightley, a great fan of his, brought him back from the dead recently. Coincidentally Keira Knightley also brought wierd al yankovich back from the dead at exactly the same time. Anyway, now that he's alive, he's going to try to get himself killed again (he's still Suicide) by walking into Compton, California screaming, "White and nerdy!" at the residents. Since he be an O-G from the S-G, this would do the trick. You can see him do this on Robot Chicken on September 24th. A posthumous album called Straight Into Compton will be released a few days later. Buy it in his memory. Please. Also, [<http://content.music.myspace.com/music.ashx?bandid=90827837&songid=23154269&name=DontDownloadThis>... don't download this song.]
### Yankovic v. Colorado
Image:weirdalvidpriv.jpg
In 2006, Weird Al sued the state of Colorado on the grounds that it looked too similar to the state of Wyoming. The case was carried on up to the Supreme Court and was widely publicized, giving Weird Al large amounts of public attention through the media. Widely believed to be an elaborate publicity stunt, the case was not taken seriously by the Supreme Court. Weird Al's only arguments against Colorado were that "It looks too much like Wyoming". Colorado's attorneys retaliated this statement by stating that Colorado was, in fact, established as a state before Wyoming, and therefore, Weird Al should be suing the state of Wyoming instead. By a narrow vote of seven to two, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Colorado, which in turn put a restraining order on Mr. Yankovic. Mr Yankovic retaliated by making all of his youtube videos private (see example at right).
### Weird Al Qaeda
In 2000, Weird Al Yankovic, Dreaner, Stuttering John, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Monty Python put together a video sent to the U.S. government, claiming that on the first day of the Weird Al "Running With Scissors" Tour, doom would come to all Americans in the form of a song called "Mr. Popeil". The music terrorist group later denied that they had anything to do with this lame parody, but were later assassinated by Abraham Lincoln's forces and replaced with metrosexual robots. The robots went on to tour in "Spamalot", "Avenue Q", produced their not-hit album "Straight Outta Lynwood", and starred in the movie, "I ROBOT", a film discussing the personality of politicians in our community, and how it stole the title from some old vector game from the 80's.
### The Gaga Saga Begins
In 2011, Yankovic released his new hit single "Perform This Way", inspired by empowering music for performers such as Eddie Veddder and Charles Nelson Reilly. Yankovic explained that "Perform This Way" was his personal truck driving song. Lady Gaga was originally denied permission to satirize the song with "Born This Way", so she released the song as a poorly made Youtube video, knowing that a satire of one of Yankovic's songs in any better quality without his express permission would lead to a nuclear holocaust. She also blamed him for all of her problems. Yankovic's manager, Jay Levey, admitted to denying her parody to force her to leave Albuquerque before a concert. When he actually heard the song, Yankovic himself gave Lady Gaga permission. Yankovic considered himself "a huge Lady Gaga fan". Though he enjoyed the satire, critics viewed it as a poor joke, even worse than "Beat It", and it was forgotten in three weeeks by everyone but hardcore Lady Gaga fans. | 9 |
743,995 | $$$$ | # $$$$
*$$$ $$ $$ $$$$$$$ $$$$ S*
*$$$ $$$$: Money*
Image:Gold dollar.jpg
**I fucking love my money, I can't $top $houting $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $**
## $$$$
Image:$ domino's pizza.png
`{{nonsense|$$$$}}`{=mediawiki} | 12 |
724,885 | $0 bill | # $0 bill
The zero dollar bill is the third lowest unit of currency currently in circulation (only above the Nigerian Naira and negative $80 dollar bill). According to the most recent census, there are 45,310 0$ bills in circulation, making it the least traded item of currency.
## History
The zero dollar bill was first minted in the year 1969, but the idea can be traced back to the year 1500 when people wanted a bill that was completely worthless so they could pay drunk prostitutes in worthless currency and still get the service. Ben Franklin was a strong advocate of the $0 bill saying "A $0 bill found is a 0$ bill earned". After many years of trying to make the 0$ bill official, the very first bills were minted in Jeffry Dahmer's basement. These original bills featured Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler, but more recent bills have featured Obama, Nixon, doge, wow guy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Kim Jong Un, our lord and savior Gaben, Shrek, [yn], and the great Weaboo.
### The Great $0 Bill Purge
Throughout the 1970's, public approval of the zero dollar bill was the lowest of all time. This led many people (throughout the world) to burn $0 bills by the thousands. One known $0 bill burner was Shrek who, ironically appeared on 400 0$ bills minted in 2007. The great purge is why there are so few 0$ bills today.
0$ bill.]] 0$ bill]]
### Controversy
In recent years the bills have come under fire for being "infinitely more expensive to produce than are worth" and "completely pointless", but those stupid "arguments" have bean dismissed because the $0 bill is an essential part of American culture.
## Uses
$0 dollar bills, although completely worthless, have many uses.These uses range from a black market currency, military distraction, and fire starter. Historically, 0$ bills have bean used to trick people into thinking they were worth more. A recent study showed that 0$ bills are a 390% better fire starter than Flame, it is therefore wise to always hike with spare $0 bills. There are constantly new studies showing just how useful 0$ bills are.
### In the Soviet Gulags
Due to the fact that certain 0$ bills had Stalin's face on them, they were shipped to the Soviet Union in the thousands, however because they were completely worthless, 0$ bills made their way to Soviet work camps where one 0$ bill could buy you 5 old rags (food rations for one entire month). Unfortunately, when Stalin declared his face on the 0$ bill not Fabulous enough, every zero dollar bill in the former Soviet union was burned.
### Military/police Applications
For crowd control and as a military distraction, thousands of zero dollar bills are thrown from horses | 13 |
9,796 | % | # %
> 99.9% of the world's population don't give a `{{C about percentages.}}`{=mediawiki}
% (English: Percentile) is a queer letter used to denote a portion of something. In mathematics this has proved valuable, as math is not actually real. The lowercase form is 5, and the pluralized form is &.
% first belonged to the English language until it was sold by the Committee of Letters in 1401 to the Committee of Surplus Symbols. However, in 1604, the Treaty of % was struck up, making both Committees equal owners of %, though the C.O.L. tend to abuse it more often.
The real world, however, has had its share of problems with this theoretical symbol. This stems from mathematicians striving to impose math-based principles on day-to-day habits, which is simply not possible.
Three possible postulates arise:
===% = /===
This statement says that "%" equals something divided by something else. In mathematics, this is possible, but not so in the physical world. Example:
Jeffrey divided Susan's whole body into three parts. These three parts represented 33%, 33%, and 33%, with 1% accounting for error.
In math, this would take the form of "one divided by three." So what happened in the real world?
The police immediately arrested Jeffrey, because he had dismantled one entire body, and it was still one body after he was done. He did *not* create three separate bodies! Mathematically, he was wrong.
===% = ---===
This statement says, "% equals fraction sign" (not to be confused with minus sign). This is another fallacy, in that a fraction does not equal the symbol %. Example:
Jill is a mechanic. She asks her assistant, Jeffrey, for a ¾ socket.
"¾ of what?" Asks Jeffrey. Jeffrey is a mathematician. He assumes that ¾ must be part of a greater inch, since 3/4 cannot exist alone in his mathematically fuelled mind.
"Just give me a ¾ socket," says Jill again.
Jeffrey assumes this time she means a 75% socket, and again he would be wrong. 75% does not mean ¾.
===% = Something===
This statement says that % can represent something in the physical world. This is the most heinous theory ever, and can be disproved as such:
1. Joe sees a pumpkin pie on the table. He takes a piece. Jill says that Joe took 12% of the entire pie. But the pie at this point is still a pie. It is not "part of a pie." It is still 100%.
2. Joe fills up a glass of water. He fills it past the brim, and over half of its capacity spills on the table. Jill says he wasted water. Joe, on the other hand, is enjoying all the water in his cup. He doesn't listen to Jill.
3. Joe has four apples. Jill gives him four apples, and says he now has 200% of the apples he once had. This is impossible. He still has 100% of the apples he now has at the present moment, no matter how many more apples are added or subtracted.
The % sign is therefore meaningless and cannot be applied to anything in life.
Moral of this story: Do **not** believe mathematicians. Ever.
===% = Destruction===
This statement says that percents cause mathematical instability.
Mark is doing math. He comes to the problem: "Convert 1/2 to a percent." He simply writes, "1/2 = 50%." Quickly his friend Anne reads his paper, and realizes that 50% does not equal 1/2, but it equals 50 times 0/0. Upon seeing this, she does the math herself and realizes that all percentages are equal to zero, divided by zero, which takes 17 years for scientists to research. Scientist 1, Andy, concludes that 0 divided by 0 is equal to 1, as all nominators divided by the exact same denominator are always equal to 1. However, Scientist 2, Johnson, concludes that nothing can be divided by zero safely, and he quickly takes Mark's math paper, and puts it into a bomb shelter. Scientist 3 says that $0/0$ is .999_
Meanwhile, Anne got pregnant with Joe's baby, as he had finished eating apples and met Anne over a popular dating site. Scientist 1, Andy, died of a heart attack, and Johnson committed suicide realizing that Anne was cheating on him. The math problem was lost forever, and the baby wound up working at a law firm some 22 years later. Anne would live a full life, until she died of heart disease, and Joe is currently living in North Dakota, in a ranch on B street.
## Demographics
- 66.6(recurring)% °
- 33.3(recurring)% / | 16 |
123,953 | & | # &
and.jpg
**&** is the 45th letter in the English language, the "pluralized" form of %. Its lowercase form is 7. The Committee of Letters believes that the use of "&" originates from the time before the keyboard when everybody had hand spasms from constant writing.
## Proper Usage
Now, the Committee is fairly certain as the plural of %, that & means "even less of a portion." For example, before 1665, someone speaking English might say:
: *Thine penis hath not even 30 % of 40 % of mine penis's size.*
Whereas, nowadays you would hear:
: *Shoot, ya's wang ain' even 30 & 40 mine, foo'.*
So, it can be conclusively assumed that to properly insert & in a sentence, you must be speaking of an extremely small size, such as a penis. & must be put between the two or more percentages being compared. Here is an example of three comparisons of percentages; pre-1665:
: *Impossible! That woman's breasts are nary 50 % of 30% of 60% of that mistress's.*
Nowadays:
: *Nah, man. That bitch's titties ain't 50&30&60 o' that hoe's.*
As seen by the above sentence, & must be inserted between the breast sizes. Also, using & can significantly reduce the length of one's sentences, which saves ~~money for the Republicans~~ trees for the environment.
## Incorrect Usage
Beware, there are many ways to use & improperly, and doing say can earn you a severe ~~ass beating~~ reprimand from the Committee of Letters#Departments. The most common mistake is not using the uppercase form of &, which is #. For example, one might say:
: *50&30 of what I paid you ain't worth that little s***load of ~~pot~~ candy! ~~Give it up now, or I'll pop a cap in yo ass!~~*
The correct way to say it though, because the comparison is the first word in the sentence, is:
: *50/7/30 of what I paid you ain't worth that little s***load of candy!*
Another common mistake is to use & with words, such as:
: *But I gave you more than 50&part of what you wanted! ~~Please don't hurt me! No! Nooo! NOOOO!~~*
You see, *part of what you wanted* is one word, but & can only be used with letters like 50, 30, or *monkey*. So what should Johnny have said? That's right, class:
: *But I gave you more than 50 % of what you wanted % !*
In this case, we must revert back to the primitive "% of %".
## Pronunciation
There is some ~~war~~ ~~violence~~ mild debate over how & should be pronounced (so if you've been doing it wrong up til now, expect a "reprimand" soon).
Most letterologists agree that & should be pronounced "ka-wah," but those idiots in Norway insist it's "and." ~~Stupid~~ Silly Norwegians...
So now you know everything there is to know about &. Have fun with it, and remember: the maximum usage is three times a week, except on holidays and Armageddon.
: **!! ONE TIME OFFER !!**: To learn about the rest of the wonderful letters, go to the pretty links below. | 17 |
696,126 | 'Moded | # 'Moded
------------------------------------------------------------------------
`<i>`{=html}Oops! Were you looking for some Computer Programming?`</i>`{=html}
`<i>`{=html}Firstly, two Ds in modded, my friend; but also, ah-oh-ah-oh-ah-oh. See the difference? You're in oh-town, Poindexter. M`<b>`{=html}Oh`</b>`{=html}ded!`</i>`{=html}
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gather 'round the campfire and open up your vocabulary's spice rack. We're traveling back to a simpler time when NSYNC was not gay and Bel-Air was just a cab ride away; the age of the Macarena and of the Walkman. Ready? Let's go!
Whoaaa.... this time-warp's banging, dawg... Not!
Well, we're here. Totally looking `<i>`{=html}da bomb`</i>`{=html} with our windbreakers tied around our waists and... wait. You're not wearing any sweat bands. How are you supposed to keep your face, wrists and elbows dry? Are those L.A. Gear sneakers even real? As if! You know what? You're just going to have to talk to the hand and bounce on out of here. No, you don't have STD. You just got `<b>`{=html}'moded`</b>`{=html}.
## Who Got What?
`<b>`{=html}You`</b>`{=html} got `<b>`{=html}'moded`</b>`{=html}. Or just `<b>`{=html}'moded!`</b>`{=html} Either way, things aren't looking good for you. Keep your beeper handy. You should probably be expecting a call from your girlfriend Kelly or boyfriend Zack right about now for further `<b>`{=html}demotion`</b>`{=html} (yes, you `<i>`{=html}dweeb`</i>`{=html}, that's where it comes from).
Getting 'moded means no more parlayin' for you. This is not your typical blast. It is a very serious challenge to your street cred; a `<i>`{=html}diss`</i>`{=html} of the highest caliber. Please leave the hair gel, matching hoop earrings and CK1 unisex fragrance by Shawn's locker. You won't need them normal people. You can kiss "all that and the Popularity" goodbye.
Speaking of chips, your diet of Gushers, Air Heads and Fruitopia won't be falling from the proverbial tree of Tyler's dad's pizza shop anymore. You're a mortal again, so you'll need cash. Be sure to cancel that "Now That's What I Call Music" CD subscription. That's some jacked up luck too, heard the next one was going to be Boyz II Men-heavy.
One more thing, you can't part your hair down the middle anymore. That's our thing.
## My bad, any way I can still represent?
Quit your `<i>`{=html} frontin.'`</i>`{=html} You gotta `<i>`{=html}feel me`</i>`{=html} on this one. That's not the way things work around here. Also, don't be a whiny bitch because you brought this upon yourself. The doctrine of 'moded is just and fair. You see, 'moded can never be used offensively, but only in response to someone else's illin' (the non-dope kind of 'illin).
`<b>`{=html}Dillio #1: The Case Against an Offensive 'Moded Paradigm`</b>`{=html}
` PEEP 1 TO PEEP 2:`
` (Out of nowhere)`
` ``<i>`{=html}`“Snap! ‘Moded!”``</i>`{=html}
` `
` DA POS-AY: `
` (Looks at Peep 1 with copious confusion)`
This kind of dillio actually increases the likelihood of a retaliatory 'moded defense toward Peep 1.
Still don't understand? Peep 1 has essentially suicide.
As a result of their inherent nature, 'modings only come up `<i>`{=html}sporadically`</i>`{=html} amongst Quality groups of home-skillets. They are an essential part of the circle of teenage life; and you were long overdue, chump. 'Modings are necessary for weeding out those lucky few that fall through the cracks of the prostitution towards the higher echelons of the high school crowd. Everyone was freakin' out on your bunk and sloppy beauty. I hope you can now accept that it was never meant to be.
## Whatever, Quit Icing My Grill
`<i>`{=html}Chill out`</i>`{=html}. Yeah it's `<i>`{=html}messed up`</i>`{=html}, but things aren't all that whack. Pshhyeah, you don't get to go to the arcade after school in the back of Joey's convertible Mustang anymore, but you had Rape. Let's be honest; you were only in it for Kelly... who you totally `<i>`{=html}jacked`</i>`{=html} from me.
You never cared about the proper clothes or the bisexuality; we were supposed to change the world with this impeccable color coordination. Our fresh red-flashing shoes made us easier to be identified in dark alleyways to those in need of a piece of BubbleTape. And have you seen a flat-top lately? But seriously, Kelly and I had a great thing going and you and your Velcro reef sandals turned her into a total hoochie. Enjoy the rest of your life with your complimentary-colored clothing, light-less shoes and reasonable hairstyles. `<i>`{=html}Boo Yah!`</i>`{=html}
## See Also
- You Got Mail. Check out America Online, the monopoly ISP in the world. So easy to use, no wonder it's #1.
- Your mom
- 90s
- You got pwned | 22 |
217,560 | 'Tain't neither | # 'Tain't neither
Image:Russian-shoes.gif
**"'Tain't neither"** is an embedded contraction of "it ain't [is not] either". It is widely regarded as the most effective rhetorical persuasive construct in the English.
## Example usage
The following exchanges illustrate the power of the phrase "'Tain't neither" when used argumentatively.
**Exchange 1**
` A: "Is too!"`
` B: "'Tain't neither!"`
` A: "Is too!"`
` B: "'Tain't neither!"`
**Exchange 2**
` A: "No way!"`
` B: "Way!"`
` A: "No way!"`
` B: "Way!"`
B obviously has a rhetorical advantage in exchange 1 that he is missing in exchange 2. Why this should be so is the subject of much academic investigation, but it is generally believed that the phrase's power derives from its definite rhythm, percussive consonants, and genuine down-home hokieness.
In debate, "'Tain't neither" can be devastating in refuting many declarative statements. Examples include:
` "It is self-evident that all men are created equal."`
` "'Tain't neither."`
` "The world is my oyster."`
` "'Tain't neither."`
` "It's time to end this pointless bickering."`
` "'Tain't neither."`
## Variants
"'Tain't neither" suffers from a certain lack of flexibility, as it requires that its subject, verb and verb tense be appropriate for the statement being refuted. This is in contrast to other refutational constructs such as "In your dreams", "Bullshit", and the always popular "You're a goddamn lying!". The problem can be avoided by using the variants "I ain't neither", "Y'ain't neither", "Y'all ain't neither", "He ain't neither", "Sh'ain't neither", "Th'ain't neither", "Won't neither", "Warn't neither", "Wouldn't neither", "Didn't neither", "Don't neither", and "Cain't neither".
The variants lack some of the punch of "'Tain't neither", so debate coaches sometimes advise reframing the exchange to use the original:
` A: "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes."`
` B: "You say it's a mountain she'll be coming around?"`
` A: "Why yes, it is."`
` B: "'Tain't neither!"`
## Criticisms
There have been attempts to ban the phrase from civil debate, simply because it is so devastating an argument. For decades, elementary school teachers have tried to eradicate the word "ain't" from their pupils' vocabulary for this very reason. Said a prominent teacher's union official, "Get rid of 'ain't' and you've done gotten rid of ''tain't'."
A different complaint, lodged by postmodernism, is that by attempting to refute that something *is*, the phrase implicitly acknowledges that there is a truth to be refuted (sometimes known as a falsehood). For the falsehood to exist, there would have to be a truth, albeit a false truth, to be falsified. In truth (postmodernists contend), falsehood, and hence truth, would have to be objectively real, and they ain't, or aren't. Anyway, that is their argument, and they are absolutely sure that they're right.
Defenders of the phrase enjoy tweaking the postmodernists by pointing out that one of the most famously disastrous expressions of relativism, President Bill Clinton's questioning of "what the meaning of 'is' is", might have been avoided by using "'Tain't neither":
` Q: "Did you have sex with Ms. Lewinsky?"`
` A: "Well, is tearin' yourself away from the sink to drop your `
` britches so's some li'l honey of an intern can wrap 'er chops`
` around the ol' Arkansas whanger a form of sex?"`
` Q: "Yes, I would certainly say so."`
` A: "'Tain't neither."`
## Famous examples
Image:WilliamJenningsBryan.jpg
` Thomas Pain: "These are the times that try men's souls."`
` Response: "Th'ain't neither."`
` John Lennon: "I am the walrus."`
` Yoko Ono: "Y'aint neither."`
` Tony Bennett: "I left my heart in San Francisco, California."`
` Audience response: "Didn't neither."`
` "Are we human or are we dancer?" (Foolish attempt to defeat `*`'Tain't`
`Neither`*` by posing a binary question) `
` Response: "We ain't neither."`
` "Even when I say something I didn’t say, they still say I `
`said something different." (Celebrity Misquotes to Sarah Michelle Gellar) `
` Response: "'Tain't...Sh'ain't...WTF???"` | 25 |
35,525 | 'Twas The Night Before Christmas | # 'Twas The Night Before Christmas
image:SantaJack.jpg
**Santa And The Prostitute** is the most commonly misrendered name for the famous Xmas day poem "**{{'}}Twas The Night Before Christmas**". In much the same way *The Inferno* is the most widely known section of Dante's The Divine Comedy, and is now often mistaken for the name of Dante's masterpiece, this frame tale about a night in the life of Santa Claus is divided into three Cantos, of which Santa And The Prostitute is only the second part. Believed to have been written during the harsh winter of 1903, authorship is usually attributed to famed author Charles Dickens. The fact that Dickens had been long dead by this point is only seen as further proof that he wrote it - After all, no living man would dare write such base lies about the Snowy Lord, and hope to live to see the new year.
## Plot
Set in Victorian London on Christmas Eve, 1889, TTNBC is a frame tale - The poem is divided into 3 cantos, each depicting a different humorous obstacle that a much younger Santa must endure while trying to complete his annual massacre. The form is a mockery of a standard Santaist.
### First Canto
Entitled ***The Night Before*** , this establishes the setting and allows the audience to understand how we came to witness the events of this harrowing Xmas day. As the poem beings, an old alcoholic man is rocked out of bed in the middle of the night by the sudden realization that, having gone to bed drunk, he forgot to barricade his chimney and doors. He listens has he hears the unmistakable sound of Santa clawing his way into the living room. It becomes eerily quiet as his household awaits their doom: His children have "visions of sugarplums", (the famous hand grenade that solidifed Santa's Toy Shop reputation), "dancing in their heads", while elsewhere in the house fear is so palpable that no one dare move a muscle, "not even a mouse".
Fortunately, The drunken old man happened to have been eating cookies and milk (an admittedly controversial meal, given political considerations), and Santa, believing them to have been left by loyal followers, spares the man's house and family, leaving behind his instructions for the following year. As the canto closes, Santa can be heard summoning his military forces for the next Assault, crying "On Dasher, on Dancer, On Comet and Cupid!" As Santa begins his notorious laughing, the old man decides to sneak out of the house after Santa, and bear witness to the night's events.
### Second Canto
This is the section for which most of popular culture is aware of the poem. ***Santa And The Prostitute*** tells the listener of how the Old man watches, mystified, as Santa detours from his usual run in order to visit the city's red light district. Finding a willing prostitute, Santa happily "unloads his sack", and proceeds to gives chocolate coins to the delighted hooker. Santa's sexual congress is brief and his lack of sexual stamina is presented comically. The drunken 1950's narrator spends several stanzas describing how desperately he apologizes for having "Left his Merry Gift In her Stockings" far too soon.
However, it becomes readily apparent by the end that Santa and The Prostitute are in fact engaging in a prearranged spectacle. Just as it appears Santa is about to burst into tears, "*Yon Merry Men from Boston Bound/emerge to see what has been Found/to their surprise the game's afoot/Santa turned them all to soot*". In fact, this elaborate sex game was meant to entrap enemies of Santa who were secretly video-taping the scene. Santa dispatches the interlopers handily using his cybernetic flamethrowing hand, and allows the Prostitute to finish him off before embarking upon the rest of his night. As Santa, with narrator secretly in tow flies off, the narrator notes that the Prostitute made several cryptic remarks about her surprise at the smallness of Santa's "Christmas Package", and remarks in a famous joke that "*even those men with terrible names/are often enslaved by some tiny shame*..."
### Third Canto
Entitled ***Yon****Burning Yule Log***, this section depicts Santa ridiculously pretending to his Wife absolutely no knowledge of having acquired "Cupid's Measles", claiming that he used a dirty toilet. It's considered the worst of the three cantos and is only mentioned here because of the ingenious way in which the story is ended - Santa finds our narrator lurking in the Sleigh, and threatens to kill him where he stands. However, the narrator immediately claims that in fact, it was from his toilet that Santa contracted "*Cupid's Applause, and thus saved the reputation of Santa Claus*". Santa, grateful that he has been spared embarassment, spares the life of the narrator, takes him home, and uncharacteristically wishes him a merry Christmas, "and to all a good night!". The poem ends with the narrator pouring a very stiff drink and watching his city burning in the distance, grateful at having survived what would have killed most men.
## Scholarly Discussion
It has been widely claimed that Dickens wrote this story to explain why Santa has cried "Ho, ho, ho" at any opportunity. However, Literary researchers have found considerable evidence to suggest that the original story actually depicted an apocryphal event from the life of Santa's priestly rival Father Christmas. Modern scholars are almost certain that the original text was changed by polemicists opposed to Santa, sometime during the 1920's. The biggest clue so far is that in 1903, the year this poem was most likely composed, Santa was still using his given name, Klaus Santaschen, and therefore he could not possibly have inspired a story about his Santa persona. Father Christmas, by contrast, had a wide ranging and quite notorious repuation as a complete pussy hound.
Largely because TTNBC provides a much needed comical lampooning of the dreaded yuletide Lord, the story has remained consistently popular, defying changes in social convention, popular music or even the decline of poetry. Santa is depicted as a pompous and befuddled man, giving terrified children much needed hope, as they cower in fear of his wrath. In reality, Santa is a murderous, despotic tyrant with severe sexual neuroses. Santa historians are in agreement that the Snowy Lord would never consent to any sexual act which did not directly benefit his annual yuletide massacre. His marriage to Messalina Claus nee` Davenport-Southersby was a mere political contrivance, made to solidify access to Anarctica, and possibly to quell speculation about his time with Krampus. Therefore, the narrator's behavior in the poem should not be seen as an appropriate means of surviving Santa's wrath.
This work is much more well known than the famous sequels, The King Of The Jews.
## See Also
- Santa Claus
- Santaist
- Frosty The Snowman
- The Night After Christmas
- Skeptic's Annotated Santa | 27 |
248,509 | 'istan | # 'istan
: *This is an incomplete article. The author may be too lazy to finish it and/or deeply hangover/stoned/dead. The continuation of this article is ~~welcome~~ mandatory.*
Image:'istans.jpg
**'istan** is a generalization used to describe any Middle Eastern or ex-Russian countries that end in 'istan', such as Pakistan, Kurdish Military Industries and Funkistan. The approximate number of countries in the Middle East alone ending in 'istan remain at an estimated 44 million, some so small and pointless that they span only a few meters in diameter, such as the newest country of the 'istan Union, HowTo:Make Up European Countries created by madman and police officer Naked Gun.
## History
Image:Mad_man.jpg
The first 'istan recorded in history was found in the Bible 470 years before Jesus was born. Eurasistan spanned some 50,000 miles and covered most of the modern European and Asian shelf. They worshiped a great leader named King Stan, who clamed to be a messenger of God who they paid homage to every day by dancing the Charleston, which back than was called the 'Stanlyton', but a harsh cvil war had already begun to split the countery in two, North and South Eurasistan.
40 Years later North Eurasistan elected a new king while the south just became known as "Asia", Charlie, which many of the Stan-worshippers saw as being sent by a false god, and that Stan was the only true leader of their vastly pointless kingdom of sand.
They came to denounce these 'Charlies' who renamed their Stanlyton-style of praying the 'Charleston'.
This inevitably led to another conflict between the Charlies and the Stanlies which would again lead to a national divide, though the Charlies clamed that Stan pointed them to a new god to help better the world or some such dribble, hence the Charlies renamed their country "Charlie-Stan" or Charlistan in honor of both kings. However the kings disagreed with this action their subjects had taken, and Stan and Charlie ended up in a drunken fight, late Sunni days and Arabian Nights.
Stan, despite his Size Matters was able to maneuver through Charlie's legs and avoid his large fists, causing Charlie to fall fowards when Stan literally kicked his buttocks, causing him to fall over in to the Dead Sea.
In the morning the two made up, but Charlie was too embarrassed to be a king anymore and took to selling vacuum cleaners, Charlistan however kept its name.
## Iranistan and Iraqistan
Image:Weeman.jpg
After Charlie Quit in 390 BC, the rambunctious twins Iran and Iraq Habu Bigbeardi applied for a double position in "kingdoming" the Middle East, and although a double reign had never been tested on a live population. Of humans anyway. Stan accepted their aplications and welcomed them to their new jobs and countries, Iranistan and Iraqistan, but split the countery in to counteryies of their own many years later after tentions and fractions and bla bla bla...
For a nice round number of years, rounded off to the nearest decimal point, the two kingsruled over their countries with little trouble until the coming of the a false god named Allah in 60 AD who clamed to be the "one true God, so holy that his face was not to be seen, hence it was always covered by a towl.
## Footnotes | 28 |
656,299 | ( | # (
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- The Emoticons for a blind man frowning
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- `<big>`{=html}Left-wing`</big>`{=html} with smoother skin
- A bent `<big>`{=html}line`</big>`{=html} | 29 |
452,479 | (The Farmer's Wife's Got A Four Inch Crack In Her, But She Ain't) Broken | # (The Farmer's Wife's Got A Four Inch Crack In Her, But She Ain't) Broken
Image:FarmerPete.jpg
> Nice To See Your Four Inch Crack. To See Your Four Inch Crack, Nice!
**(The Farmer's Wife's Got A Four Inch Crack In Her But She Ain't) Broken** is a pop song written by Somerset-based folk singer Pete Chaff, which became a hit in 1977 by The Wurzels.
Taken from their chart topping album from the same year *Stick It In Cider*, the song (also known as "**The Gash Song**") was their biggest hit, reaching #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart in January 1978. It reached #1 in Canada and Australia, and #4 in the UK. It was released on the Hinton Blewett Records label with *"I'm Stuck Up The M5 And The Vicar's Stuck Up The Choirboy"* as the B-side.
The success of "(The Farmer's Wife's Got A Four Inch Crack In Her But She Ain't) Broken" was reported to be the main reason as to why The Wurzels were selected to record the theme song to the 1979 James Bond Film *Moonraker*.
In addition, the song is widely hailed as The Wurzel's Ice Cream, and it marked a decisive point in the band's career and set them on the way to become one of the West Country's most successful music groups.
A popular favourite at Morris Dancing conventions since the mid 1980s, an incidental version of the song was used as the theme tune to BBC's Saturday night entertainment show Strictly Morris Dancing.
.
## Overview
The song is lighthearted in tone, sung from the viewpoint of a young Weaver who returns home at the end of the work day and relates to his three small children a chance sexual encounter earlier that day with the wife of the local Farmer.
The chorus (which at live performances would be sung by the entire audience) then follows:
`{{cquote|Oh, The Farmer's Wife's Got A Four Inch Crack In Her<br/>
But She Ain't Broken<br/>
I Erection and come my testicles in her<br/>
Afore we'd even spoken<br/>
When I first clasped eyes on her<br/>
Communication wasn't tough<br/>
I just bent her over<br/>
And tickled her vagina<br/>}}`{=mediawiki}
## Controversy
Despite the song being used as part of a promotional drive for the Somerset Tourist board in the late 1970s and early 80s, many listeners detected innuendo in the lyrics, but this was refuted by songwriter Pete Chaff who maintained that the song was simply one for the whole family:
## Music video
Although it was a number one pop hit, *(The Farmer's Wife's Got A Four Inch Crack In Her, But She Ain't) Broken* is perhaps most notable for its controversial music video, filmed in Taunton's Municipal buildings, and which featured scenes of partial Nude, Gay, mild Belgian, Threesome, and murder - The latter of which had been outlawed in Somerset since 1906.
It wasn't until after the success of the song that it became regular practice for Cunts to produce promo videos for artists' single releases. These could then be shown on television shows such as the BBC's *Top of the Pops*, without the need for the artist to appear in person. A promo video also allowed the artist to have their music broadcast and accompanied by their own choice of visuals, rather than dancers such as A Tinge of Minge.
## Selected list of recorded versions
- 1979 **The Slightly Troubled Ninnies**, on the EP, *Morris, I'm Only Dancing*.
- 1990 **Fat**, at the opening ceremony of *football*.
- 1996 **Ballbag**, on the album, *Mama's Got A Brand New testicles*.
- 2007 **Dolly Parton**, on the album, *Inflatable Dolly - The Hits and The Tits*.
## See also
- Men
- Morris Dancing
- Gay
- Pete Chaff
- Minge | 32 |
206,102 | (What's The Story) Stealing Glory? | # (What's The Story) Stealing Glory?
***(What's The Story) Stealing Glory?*** is the second in a series of cover albums by the British Orchestral Tex-Mex band Oasis. Though spanning the decades, the majority of the album's tracks originate from the sixties/seventies period.
The album's success was greatly profitable for all concerned, except, quite surprisingly, for the band themselves. This is because none of the songs, with the exception of the secret track, "Beatlejuice", which features a set of drunken vocals by rhythm guitarist and part-time nonentity Bonehead, were actually originally written. However, lead HowTo: Learn Guitarist Noel Gallagher was quoted as saying:
`{{cquote|''I don't give an arctic monkeys so long as we get free pints at every bar in the world. And cigarettes in hell.''}}`{=mediawiki}
## Legal proceedings
Originally, the album was set to list *"Uptight (Everything's Alright)"* by Stevie Wonder. However, Wonder's lawyers soon caught on and threatened to sue should the song be on the final cut. In its place, the band were forced to hastily record a sketchy version of Led Zeppelin's *Bring It On Home* featuring Paul Weller on recorder and Evan Dando on kitchen pans. Critics actually claim this to be the best song on the album "for its comedy value".
Beatles guitarist and songwriter John Lennon would have also sued for the inclusion of *Imagine*, but was unavailable for comment at the time, as he was turning in his grave.
## Album Art
Many claim the photograph on the cover of the album is an opportunistic snap taken by freelance photographer that features lead singer Liam Gallagher about to smash a Cockney/Damon Albarn/photographer outside a seedy nightclub in Manchester. This has since been confirmed as incorrect by band publicist Jamie 'Strawberry' Fields and later by Gallagher himself, who forcibly claims "he would never go back to that shithole if [his] life depended on it". | 33 |
696,798 | ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | # ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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`{{title|Suddenly, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)}}`{=mediawiki}
One splendid afternoon, basketball superstar Michael Jordan slipped on a pair of loafers, some cool slacks, and what appears to be a Timex. "What a fine day!" exclaimed Mr. Jordan. "I think I shall chomp on a cigar whilst bouncing, or 'dribbling,' a basketball very close to the floor!"
Mr. Jordan was pleased with himself. "What a fine day!" he repeated, exclamatorily. "I certainly hope my charming face isn't replaced by some kind of forced me-"
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).png
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`{{title|Le Rainbow!}}`{=mediawiki}
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`{{deadend2}}`{=mediawiki} | 35 |
717,681 | ) | # )
`<big>`{=html}**)**`</big>`{=html} can refer to:
- A Boomerang in motion
- The Emoticons for a Cheshire Cat
- A misspelling of `<big>`{=html}(`</big>`{=html}
- A saggy `<big>`{=html}line`</big>`{=html}
- A black Banana | 37 |
13,163 | * | # *
Image:AsteriskPanel.jpg
An **asterisk** is a Stupid warning used to indicate that small, nearly illegible type has settled at the bottom of a page due to Erectile dysfunction.
Minipixel molecules bond with one another in a process called Surprise sex, whereby typefaces become smaller. Because text contains the same amount of information no matter the size, and it became smaller (i.e. the volume decreased), and density=matter/volume (matter here is in the form of energy (i.e. information, because energy is clearly required to process actual information)) the matter stays constant, and volume decreases, density must *increase*. This, in combination with the reduced Drag Queens, causes them to sink.
This creates several problems. First, bits of text were falling off the page, and if something had not been found to prevent this, large chunks of knowledge could have been lost forever, leading to the decline of civilization as we know it. Also, the bits of text falling off of pages would litter the floors, and people would slip on the small text, and then demand it be cleaned up, putting a large strain on cleaning personnel everywhere, and causing more and more people to become janitors, making large corporations lose their workforce, causing them to go bankrupt, and leading to the rapid decline of civilization.
Image:AsteriskBuoyancyDiagram.png
Lastly, it required some form of early warning system, preventing any unnecessarily violent reading mishaps or desperate comprehensive confusion. To combat this dangerous potential threat, the Rome conceived a marvelous glyph the likes of which had never been seen by human eyes, but when scribes demanded overtime pay, the parties settled on a star, re-engineered to hold up the weighty text through a combination of balloons and space rays that attached the asterisk to the main text. This out of the way, the Romans got back to appropriating the whole of Euripides, renaming it and claiming it as their own.
The earliest reference to the asterisk was on a parchment attributed to Freedom of Expression, a Roman statesman and bibliographer of Pornography. On the parchment were the Latin words *"Ad asterisk per aspera,"* which translates to *"To the footnotes through difficulties."* Cato the Censor was the first Roman to suggest using the asterisk in other situations, though he was promptly told to Dick Cheney | 38 |
13,832 | , | # ,
The, **comma**, is, a, punctuation, mark, used, to, indicate, a, pause, between, words. The, uppercase, form, of ",", is, "Less Than". Many, people, use, the, comma, inappropriately, and, even, sometimes, overdo, its, usage.
Image:Comma.jpg
## How To:Use commas
According, to, traditional, European, etiquette,, the, more, commas, included, in, a, sentence,, the, fancier, the, sentence, is (or, seems, to, be, to, the, uneducated). Remember, this, when, doing, written, assignments, for school, or, making, a, report, for, your, boss,, as, your, success, in, both, is, directly, related, to, the, number, of, commas, used. A, perfect, example, of, commas, in, action, is, William Shakespeare, play, "Much, ado, about, commas," in, which, two, pairs, of, commas, fall, into, a, romantic, trance, and, produce, the, first, set, of, speechmarks, in, the, recorded, English language.
## The International Comma Game
Thanks to the rise of many modern sports that can barely be counted as sports such as "Pie-eating" "Underwater-rugby" "Golf" and "Chess", the International Comma Game has found it's feet in the World of word-athletics and is now a standard competition at the Cotswold Olimpick Games. The aim of the game is to find the hidden full-stop within the multitude of commas.
The following is an excerpt from round 4 of a comma game played between English Grand-Master Geoffrey Biddle and Welsh Grand-Master David Jones:
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After eighteen minutes Welsh Grand Master David Jones succesfully found the elusive full-stop in the passage winning him the Title of British Champion. He went to on to win this consecutively thus producing a list of dates next to his name which are separated by commas.
## Commanism
*(Main article:Commanism: in grammar)*
Commanism is the over-use of commas in order to gain influential political power and control of the media. It was widely practiced in places such as France and the USA during the 20th Century. The war against Commanism was spearheaded by the Capitalism: in grammar who in the end won over leading to a Capitalist society which we live in today.
Despite this demise in the comma, English teachers still insist on its usage along with paragraphs and any students found to be lacking these two things will be forced to write out the teacher's shopping list 100 times to get used to dealing with commas.
## What commas teach people
Nothing but heartache and a waste of printers ink.
As a footnote, all of the commas in the world have been used up and may not be used any more. Most comma factories that exist were in Africa and have been evaporated within Africa's seemingly endless civil wars. This alone should teach people something.
## See, also,
- Coma,
- Vaati
- James T. Kirk
- Terri Schiavo,
- comma splice
it:Virgola (grammatica) | 40 |
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***Wikipedia:Morse Code .-.-.-***
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. . -.-- --- .-. . / - .... . / .--- .- -.-. -.- .- ... ... / .. ... / .... .. ... / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. --..-- / - .... . .-. . .----. ... / .-. --- --- / ... ..- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / -.- .- -. --. .- .----. ... / - .. - / - .... . .-. . .----. ... / .--. .. --. .-.. . - --..-- / - .... . .-. . .----. ... / .-. .- -... -... .. - --..-- / .- -. -.. / - .... . .-. . .----. ... / --- .-- .-.. / -... ..- - / -- --- ... - / --- ..-. / .- .-.. .-.. --..-- / Winnie the Pooh
## -.-. .. .-. -.-. .-.. ./ .--- . .-. -.-
.-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -. .----. - / .. - / -... . / -. .. -.-. . / - --- / .... .- ...- . / .- / -.-. .. .-. -.-. .-.. . / .--- . .-. -.- / .-- .. - .... / ... --- -- . --- -. . ..--.. / .. .----. ...- . / .- .-.. .-- .- -.-- ... / .-- .- -. - . -.. / --- -. . .-.-.-
`<span class="plainlinks">`{=html}
[[`{{fullurl:--_---_.-._..._._/_-.-._---_-.._.|action=edit§ion=2}}`{=mediawiki} . -.. .. - ]]
`</span>`{=html}
## .-.
... --- .-. .-. -.-- --..-- / -. --- - / - .-. .- -. ... .-.. .- - . -.. / -.-- . - / .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- / -....- -....- -....- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- / -..-. / .-.-.- -....- -....- .-.-.- / .-.-.- / -....- -....- -....- / .-.-.- -....- -....- .-.-.- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- / -..-. / .-.-.- -....- -....- / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / -....- -....- -....- / -..-. / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- -....- / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- / .-.-.- / -..-. / -....- -....- .-.-.- / -....- -....- -....- / -....- .-.-.- / .-.-.- / -..-. / -....- / -....- -....- -....- / -..-. / -....- / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- / -..-. / -....- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- / -....- -....- -....- / .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- / -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- / -..-. / -....- -....- -....- / .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- / -..-. / -....- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- / .-.-.- -....- / -....- .-.-.- / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- -....- / -....- / .-.-.- .-.-.- / -....- .-.-.- / -....- -....- .-.-.- / -..-. / -....- / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / -....- -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- -....- / -..-. / .-.-.- .-.-.- / -..-. / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-.-.- -....- / -....- .-.-.- -....- -....- / -..-. / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- / -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- / -..-. / -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- / -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- / -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- / -..-. / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- / -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- -....- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- / .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....- .-.-.- -....-
-- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . ..--.. / / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . ..--.. / / .-- - ..-. / -.. --- . ... / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / .... .- ...- . / - --- / -.. --- / .-- .. - .... / .- -. -.-- - .... .. -. --. ..--.. / / .. / .- -- / - .-. -.-- .. -. --. / - --- / ..-. .. -. -.. / -- -.-- / .-- .- -.-- / - --- / --. . - / ... --- -- . / .-. . -.. / -... ..- .-.. .-.. / .- -. -.. / .. / ..-. .-. . .- -.- .. -. --. / --. . - / - --- / .... . .-. . .-.-.- / / - .... .. ... / .- .-. - .. -.-. .-.. . / ... ..- -.-. -.- ... .-.-.- / / .. - ... / -. --- - / . ...- . -. / ..-. ..- -. -. -.-- .-.-.- / / .-- . .-.. .-.. --..-- / / .. / --. ..- . ... ... / .. - / .. ... / -.- .. -. -.. / --- ..-. / ..-. ..- -. -. -.-- .-.-.- / / - .... . -. / .- --. .- .. -. --..-- / / .-- .... .- - / .. ... / -. --- - / ..-. ..- -. -. -.-- / .-- .... . -. / -.-- --- ..- / -.-. .- -. / -. --- - / . ...- . -. / ... . . / ... - .-. .- .. --. .... - / .- ..-. - . .-. / - -.-- .--. .. -. --. / ... --- / -- .- -. -.-- / ... - ..- .--. .. -.. / -.. --- - ... .-.-.- / / --. --- -.. --..-- / / .-- .... -.-- / -.-. .- -. /.----. / - / .--. . --- .--. .-.. . / .-.. . .- .-. -. / - --- / - -.-- .--. . / .-- .. - .... / ... --- -- . / -.- .. -. -.. / --- ..-. / ..-. .-. . .- -.- .. -. --. / ... -.-- -- -... --- .-.. ... .-.-.- /
## - .... .. ... / .. ... / .--- --- .... -. / -- .- -.. -.. . -. / ..-. --- .-. / ..-. --- -..- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- ..- .... --..-- / -.-. -... .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- ..- .... --..-- / .- -... .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- -. -... .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .. / -.. --- -. .----. - / -.- -. --- .-- / .-- .... . .-. . / .. / .-- --- .-. -.- / .- -. -.-- -- --- .-. . .-.-.- / .. / .--- ..- ... - / -.- -. --- .-- / .. - / .... .- ... / ...-- / .-.. . - - . .-. ... .-.-.-
-... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... --- --- -- / - --- ..- --. .... -....- .- -.-. - .. -. .----. / - .. -. .- -.-. - .. -. / .- -.-. . / - .... . / .... . .-.. .--. ..-. ..- .-.. / .--. .-.. .- -.-. . / ... .. .-. .. ..- ... / ... .- - . .-.. .-.. .. - . / .-. .- -.. .. --- / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. . / -... .-. . - - / ..-. .- ...- .-. .
## ... . . / .- .-.. ... ---
- Static
- Binary
- AAAAAAAAA!
- .:_:.._:
- .:_:.._:.
- [-- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / - .-. .- -. ... .-.. .- - --- .-.](http://morsecode.scphillips.com/jtranslator.html)
- [.- / .-- .... --- .-.. . / .-- .. -.- .. / .- -... --- ..- - / -- --- .-. -.-. . / -.-. --- -.. . / -.--.- ? / .- / ..-. ..- .-.. .-.. -.-- / .- ..- - --- -- .- - .. -.-. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / - . .- -.-. .... .. -. --. / -- .- -.-. .... .. -. . -.--.-](http://c2.com/morse/) | 43 |
17,639 | ...For Dummies | # ...For Dummies
Image:Dubya.jpg
`{{Wikipedia}}`{=mediawiki}
> Do they make "Plagiarism for Dummies"?
> I don't understand - does "a reference for the rest of us" really mean that the books are made for everyone except me???
The **...For Dummies** series are books instructing the reader how to accomplish some task. In the 1970s, a series of intelligence tests were used to find the percentage of
dummies in the population. It was found that the percentage exceeded 130 percent. This was too large of a market to go untapped, so book companies jumped into the market.
More research was performed, and it was discovered that Americans first started getting dumber in the 1950s. It was largely suspected that the cause was television, but this was difficult to prove. Later it was found to be that the lead solder in the television was the problem, and the cause was that people became confused by the term "TV Dinners" and had started to eat televisions.
Image:Pokemon for dummies.JPG|Gotta catch all Dummies books.
Image:Somatic Laser Discharges for Dummies.png|IMA FIRIN MAH LAZAH!
Image:Ijuhyvkvjiochurw75ytoyh7uf749yfhe.jpg|Poop Cuisine for the Culinarily Challenged.
Image:WhitePeopleForDummies.jpg|Scholarly research on White People.
Image:...ForDuMeeZ.PNG|Oscar Wilde put $2million into this. The Wilde went wild at the result.
Image:ReadingForRetards.jpg|This isn't a Dummies book.
Image:Drugs for Dummies.png|Nor is this one. Who put these here?
Image:Moonbat.JPG|Umm...Can't read the title...
Image:Sodomie nuls.jpg|...and this was a fine pain in the arse to translate.
Image:Jihad4d.jpg|Dummies try to cross ethnic barriers.
Image:Fat_kid_cooking_for_dummies.jpg|Uncaptionable. Seriously.
Image:How to die for Dummies.png
Image:Dylxeslia for Dummeis.png
Image:killing your wife for dummies.jpg
Image:For-Dummies-Book--13228.jpg
Image:ddd.jpg
## 'Sex for Dummies' Trilogy
The following trilogy has been recalled by the manufacturer, nine months after publication:
- Dating for Dummies
- Sex for Dummies
- Pregnancy for Dummies
In retrospect, it appears that encouraging dummies to breed was a quite bad idea.
The books may be returned for any of a number of non population-inducing alternatives from the series, including:
- Homosexuality for Dummies
- Masturbation for dummies
IDG, the International Dummies Group, apologises for this grevious error.
## Recently
Image:Crash-testing-dummies.jpg
The ...For Dummies series has been vastly successful due to its wide range and massive availability. As a side-effect of the series' success, the average lifespan of a 'Dummy' has tripled. The resulting 'Dummy' population explosion of the last few years has caused US Invasion of Iraq 2003 Credit Crunch throughout the world.
When asked what IDG was doing about the crisis, a spokes`<s>`{=html}Dummy`</s>`{=html}person annouced the next installment in the series would be Population Control for Dummies.
Among the population-control initiatives will be books inviting dummies to take on various dangerous tasks which will serve to thin the herd... including Skydiving for Dummies and UnNews:Mount Everest now the world's second-tallest peak.
The most popular, so far, has been Automotive Crash Testing for Dummies. Anyone dumb enough not to have joined the middle-class flight out of Detroit is strongly encouraged to pre-order a copy today.
fr:...pour les nuls | 45 |
593,824 | ... ah, who cares | # ... ah, who cares
1. RedirectNobody cares | 47 |
747,724 | ...and she's a girl | # ...and she's a girl
Image:Womengolf.jpg
**...And She's a Girl** was an ITV documentary series that ran for four series from 1992 to 1996, highlighting the role women play in modern society. It was notable for its unflinching examination of women performing tasks and doing activities. It was the first programme on British television to show a women watching a game of football.
## Conception
The series was created by famous Welsh documentarian David Plate after a visit to a London restaurant. He made positive comments to a waiter about a chicken breast fricassée with lemony artichokes. The waiter's response mentioned the name of the Chef, a name which Plate recognised as most likely belonging to a women. Surprised and then ashamed by his suprise, Plate considered how prevalent the paradigm of defaulting attribution of both small and large achievements to men is. The fact that he was later to find out that the Chef was a man (with beard), just with a very feminine name, did not dissuade Plate from pursuing the idea of an investigation into women doing stuff making a viable television series.
In September 1991, ITV contoller George Maxcar ordered six half-hour episodes of a documentary series to be produced by David Plate, presented by Henry Kelly, entitled "...And She's a Girl".
## Format
Each episode would contain two main stories - one either side of the commercial break, in which women would perform tasks or be involved in activities. Henry Kelly introduced each segment by explaining the task that was about to be shown, famously then turning to a second camera in close up and saying, "and she's a girl." There was not voice-over whilst the actual action was being shown. Plate was adament that he wanted the, "movements of the women" to speak for themselves.
## Notable Episodes
The first episode feature Sussex housewife Jean Renhard lighting a firework in her back-garden. She lit it at 8:30pm on a July evening and some reviewers were quick to critiscise the reduced complexity of lighting he firework before it was completely dark. Further, people were concerned the firework's aesthetic properties were not properly exhibited under the conditions. ITV explained in a statement that Mrs Renhard was unable to light the firework later because of a pre-organised appointment to watch Inspector Morse.
One notable 1994 episode had Sarah Ferguson, The Duchess of York, prepare a glass of Diet Pepsi for Princess Anne using a Sodastream. The drink was dismissed by Princess as Anne as "brown shit," and the segment ended with Ferguson sending "one of her people", to Sainsburys to source Princess Anne some Gin.
## Controversies
A 1995 episode contained a film of a women named Pamela Willow parallel parking a transit van caused controversy when it was discovered a man had been involved in the set-up of the vans starting position prior to Willow's manoeuvrings. Critics argued that having the van positioned in a precise and favourable position diminished the achievement of Willow. ITV released a statement released a statement denying, "everything and anything to do with everything." Willow died in a balooning accident just six months later.
In the final series, one of the segments showed TV personality Noel Edmonds programming a video recorder to record Match of the Day. The story was notable as being the only one not focusing on a female with Henry Kelly's catchphrase, "and she's a girl' being noticeably absent from the introduction. The press saw this story as the beginning of the end of the series. Noel Edmonds has since admitted he never watches Match of the Day. | 48 |
392,502 | .22 | # .22
> Wait, you mean someone shot me! Why that little...
Image:22 LR.jpg
**.22** Is a caliber of a gun used mostly for punching holes in paper. However, in order for the paper to be punctured, it has to be so thin the Olsen Twins are jealous of it. That may lead you believe the the .22 rimfire is totally useless, but that statement could not further from the truth.
## Application of the .22
The .22 caliber rimfire is a rifle and pistol round. They are ideal for destroying paper targets, vermin, flies in your house, annoying party balloons, and zombies. This is all at a low cost to the consumer, as .22 rimfire cost 25 cents per box of 100. That is a lot of dead (or re-dead) zombies. Since the .22 has almost negligible recoil, well placed shots are pretty much a guarantee. Also due to the low recoil, small children have the ability to defend themselves from the walking dead. No more, "stay here Johnny, daddy will be back for you." Now you and your son can embark on a zombie blasting adventure that he will be bragging about for years to come! "My dad and I killed 500 zombies on our vacation to Colorado!"
### History
The .22 long rifle was originally devolved by gun enthusiasts, after they noticed that they did not enjoy spending $5 on a box of 50 rounds for conventional centerfire bullets. Instead, they wanted a rimfire cartridge that could sell for about $5 for 500 rounds. What they got was a tiny, almost toy-like bullet that was very quiet and had the penetrative power of a thrown rock. Now, even kids could experience the joy of shooting helpless animals. Most who actually hit their target positively will do so again. Watching an animal die is an awe-inspiring experience. That is why .22s are better suited for "plinking." This is redneck speak for shooting tin cans off a fence. It's not *Gears of War*, but hey, everyone's gotta start somewhere.
Interesting Fact: the #2 largest grizzly bear was taken by a native woman picking berries with a Cooey 39 .22 rimfire. Further proof that guns pwn nature.
### Minor discomfort
You see that guy over by the bar. He keeps on giving you that dirty look and it's starting to get you mad. Well, if you're smart you should walk over and slap that idiot with a brick. Or, if you're feeling nice, bust out your .22! Then all you have to it hit his eye and BAM! minor discomfort for a few minutes. Need a bird to go away but you're too much of a cream-puff to fire a shotgun? Just fire a .22 at it and the minor discomfort might be enough to make it go away. If the bird is an eagle, well, kiss you face goodbye. You can also use this type of round to get someone's attention to warn them about something, like, a wild cat about to attack them while listening to music.
Image:Cfac-swissminigun-a-super-tiny-gun-171007.jpg
### Baby killer
Yes, uncyclopedia is for real. A .22 round aimed at a baby's head will puncture the front of a baby's skull, rebound off the back, and kill it by shredding the brain as it bounces around. However, with this puny projectile your only hope is a headshot, preferably through the eye. If you miss, its face will become agitated and mutate into a horrible monster so you've only got seconds to pick between two options: The first is to run, or walk moderately fast, the second is to readjust yourself and squeeze off another shot. The .22 is a very nice choice for a baby invasion. The ammo is light, so instead of 5 rounds for your Desert Eagle you can carry around 400 rounds of .22 for the same amount of weight! Another bonus over the Desert Eagle is the ability to keep your wrist working. So when the dead rise, your trusty hole puncher will serve you well.
### Other uses
**T.V. remote**
So, you can't find your remote but you just happen to have a .22 laying around. Well just pick that sucker up and aim it at the power button and pull the trigger. Worried about running out of ammo? Well don't! The average box of .22 rounds holds about 1,000 rounds, and goes for an average of $5 bucks. Boxes of ammo purchased on the black market have a 42% chance of breaking your T.V., so avoid them at all costs.
**Back scratcher**
AAAAA! There's that darn itch. You can't reach it. You try and try but you just can't reach it! A safe and healthy alternative to your grand mom's yucky back scratcher. Just set whatever .22 gun you have to full auto (if your gun is not full auto at all times, you don't deserve it) and fire at your back! Instant back scratcher.
**Dramatic fuse put-er-out-er**
Oh noes! In your stupid B-movie plot line, that you're only making to show to your friends, you have no way to put out the fuse that lights a fire-cracker of death from lighting! If you have this problem, then you movie is probably horrible and you friends will think so too and demand to never be seen with you again. If your 4-year-old is playing with a lit firecracker, then a .22 is your best friend. Just add heat seeking rounds to the clip and aim that sucker at the burning fuse. BAM! Lawsuit and child custody case avoided. Now aren't you glad you bought that wimpy little gun? I'll bet you are. | 49 |
725,500 | .APp Tank | # .APp Tank
tank.png
Created by Macintosh in 2013, the **.APp Tank** is regarded as the "new age of weaponry." The .APp (or .app) Tank was created since AP rounds became utterly useless due to the Industrial Revolution of 2010. AP (or armor-piercing) rounds just couldn't penetrate the thick armor of the newer tanks.
## Versatility and use of the .APp Tank in WWIII
The .app tank fires .app files at the enemy tank. All .app rounds are stored in the Central Macintosh Mainframe, a ammo bank inside of the tank. Not only are the new .app rounds effective, but they are also very versatile. The tank operator can choose rounds that could either destroy the enemy tank, or kill the crew inside. The .App tank was very useful in World War III, when a tank commander launched a "Gangnam Style" .APp round, causing everyone to dance awkwardly instead of firing nukes at each other.
## Bill Gates, the doomsday weapon of ISIS
Gatess.jpg
Having stopped WWIII, everyone thought the .App tank was amazing, except for multimillionaire Bill Gates. He was jealous of Macintosh's new creation, so he tried to make his own version. This attempt failed, and the tank-in-progress exploded, destroying the whole Microsoft corporation. Bill Gates had nothing left, except for pure hatred against Macintosh. This caused him to use the last of his money to buy one of the .app tanks. He made a minor modification: He hacked the Central Macintosh, so it could use more than just .app files. This resulted in a Weapon that was uncontrollable, a weapon that any nerd would say, is OP and needs to be nerfed. Bill Gates then became a terrorist, exploding Macintosh Corporation buildings with a bass cannon. He kept rampaging with the tank, until the government caught up with him. He then was forced to run away to Liechtenstein, increasing its army size to 3 men, but was forced to leave because he accidentally ran over their 1X1X1 rubix cube. He had nowhere to go, but then had the idea of joining ISIS. This gave ISIS's threats a whole new level of fear, since it included a minute long firing test of "Nyan Cat," which resulted in making Beethoven deaf.
## The ghost of Steve Jobs
This act made Steve Jobs jump out of his grave as a ghost, then haunt Apple for creating such a deadly weapon, especially one that fell into Microsoft's hands. He found that if production continued, World War 4 would happen, so he forced the banning of the weapon. The ghost of Steve Jobs explained that this idea was almost as bad as the idea of Windows 8. *Almost*. | 52 |
39,422 | .NET | # .NET
> I REFUSE to pay for .NET until Steve Ballmer tells me what the heck it is!
> How dare those fuckers develop independent software that runs on any platform flawlessly, I'll fucking kill them.
In 1987, Bill Gates invented the Internet and parked all .NET domains. After the .com-hype, Microsoft tried to start a .NET-hype. First they sold phones at MSNet. But too many people called at Microsoft Products Online Technical Support, so they sent tons (1024 kg) of hotfixes, hotpants and hotmails every week to block the phone lines. Then Microsoft banished the Teletubbies, took their land and started selling pancakes and desktop screenshots. Since 2002, Bill Gates is the richest man in Teletubbieland. Every desktop is showing Teletubbieland, and with the Windows Vista, the desktop firewall will be configured to block all domains except .NET.
**.NET** also known as ***Microsoft Keychain*** is a project in which all Windows users will be tagged with barcodes on the backs of their necks. Implementation is expected complete in 2007.
**.NET** also stands for New Errors Technology, a free supplement for Windows NT (and next like Windows 2000 or Windows XP) which is a set of objects that have to be used by programmers, otherwise their program will be not allowed to run. .NET will be used as better hacking protection, allowing random application fault and can use applications source code to navigate nuclear missiles if need (probably new version when random fault bug will be fixed).
## World domination
But let's not overlook the main goal of this vile and loathsome development environment called .NET.
Microsoft has set out to capture us all in the vice grip that is vendor locking, until it is all too late and we find ourselves spiraling down the maelstrom that is sucking us down into total dependency on crappy third party shareware tools that only run on a bloated operating system.
Not by targeting the real developer, Microsoft realized early on that dependency or addiction is only as effective as the number of people in the user base. Since most serious skilled developers would not touch Visual Basic or any other crap environment from Microsoft with a ten foot pole while wearing a latex allover suit and a navy quality apparatus, this target group quickly fell out of favor with Microsoft regarding the world domination plans.
Winning over the relatively small group of geeks was marked irrelevant and soon after this idea got hold in Redmond, a large amount of monkeys with keyboards set out to write a programming environment for everybody to use from houseplant to trailortrash. If every dingbat out there started to point and click all kinds of useless small applications together that only run on one brand operating system, nobody would ever want to switch to anything else.
This makes sense, although this will actually never result in anything usable. Imagine, if you would, Joe Smuck, the unemployed trailer inhabitant. Joe has an el'cheapo Dell system and regards himself as quite the technological hobbyist and rather net savvy. However, on one unfortunate day, Joe installs some random iteration of the .NET development platform and start clicking. Within a few hours, he has made an executable that displays 1 single picture of him and his girlfriend, Joanny, and subsequently makes a beep noise. After this the application quits itself and leaves a giant program sized unaddressable gap in the system's memory that will remain unusable until the computer is hardbooted. It is irrelevant if Joe ever starts up .NET again or not because the damage has been done. Joe has his 16MB picture showing beeping application that he made. And this little executable **ONLY RUNS ON WINDOWS**.
From here we can easily see the method for ensuring that customers are so fiercely locked in that opting for anything other then Windows is simply out of the question "For it will break my own application that I once build 3 years ago". Vendor lock in, as it seems, does not rely on closed protocols or standards, nor does it depend on quality applications or richness of tools. You get the best form of vendor lock in when you go after peoples misplaced pride.
.NET is also a cesspool from which the horrors of shareware arise. All these people who should have never been allowed to touch interface design tool, start writing buggy stuff and after ugly skins, useless features and so on dare to ask money for this useless crap.
These two results of creating a useless but simple development that fruitcakes can and will use is the most important strategy since 1995 to rule the world by Microsoft. As a extra bonus people who are getting used to the crap quality that .NET outputs will be far less critical of MS own product line in the future.
## Programming languages
### Visual Basic
Visual Basic is not used by normal people so we're not covering it here.
### C#
C# is a programming language for sharp-minded people. It has lots of useless features. All C# applications should call Application.Quit(); in the beginning to avoid System.Explode();
In .Net 3.5 Microsoft introduced us to the world of [Partial Thinking](http://codemanque.net/?q=node/3) and the joys of non-deterministic applications.
### Windows PowerShell
Windows PowerShell is a dynamic scripting language in the .NET family. Its distinguishing feature is a framework for Web 2.0 application integration, named Willy on Wheels in honor of the famous Wikipedia contributor.
## .NET Application Lifecycle
The general life-cycle of a .NET application at a design perspective is as follows:
- **Page/Form Fires Load Event**: This event is one of the main starting points of the application.
- **Other events**: These don't really matter, seeing as though the Page/Form load event will probably throw an exception anyway. Therefore making any other events completely useless.
## File extensions
## Footnotes | 53 |
7,882 | / | # /
> Any hack without slashes is a talentless hack
The **slash character** (/) has served a vital role in the development of the data processing industry. Slash has a vital role in constructions like "and/or" (which means and, and/or or). Like letters, slash can be capitalized. The uppercase form of slash is: `<big>`{=html}`<big>`{=html}/`</big>`{=html}`</big>`{=html}
## History
In the early days of computers, soon after the slash appeared on the keyboard of the TeleType (pictured), it used to take two of them to get anything done, such as on punched cards with `// JOB` and/or `// XEQ`.
Then video terminals were invented, and slash got more efficient. Most of the time spent on video terminals was to create graphics. Although much more efficient than doing so on a typewriter, it was not efficient.
The American National Standards Institute came to the rescue. After two years of deliberations, it decided that what was missing was a slash in the opposite direction (the backslash); also a vertical bar. Now the artist had everything he needed to create high-quality low-quality graphics (except the graphics).
Shortly after, Bill Gates gave up his pastime of hacking to become a legitimate software writer. But his penchant for pranks lived on as his MS-DOS used the backslash instead of the slash. "Just to be different." (He would go on to put clubs, diamonds, hearts, and spades in the character set, ensuring that the PC would be able to perform any relevant use.) The rest of the computer industry, meanwhile, sensibly used the regular slash, just as it sensibly counted everything starting at 0.
Writing software that converts slash to backslash and back again drives the modern American economy, and accounts for salaries equal to the entire gross domestic product of the state of Louisiana.
## Modern uses
3355~Corona-Beer-Posters.jpg, for two good reasons reflecting both the start and the end of the experience.]]
A slash is a colloquialism for a stream of urine (not pictured), as it is preferable to learning words like "micturition." For example, a person with the clap might say: "Excuse me, I have to go outdoors and **slash and burn**."
Fans of other forms of swordplay use the word "slash" to refer to a popular offensive move with the weapon.
Hackers regularly use the slash when preparing hacks. Hack and slash, slash and hack. The hash mark, #, is a labor-saving device.
Slasher movies, however, use neither slash, backslash, nor hash, because they have actual graphics.
A sharp / is a surprisingly powerful weapon, particularly effective when making a hacking motion. In 1337, @ used a Magical / of Lightning to kill arch-nemesis &, who was armed with a flaming . He managed to recapture the $ and * that & had theft, with his health (as pronounced by doctors) halfway intact. Said @ later, "Had I chosen to use my pipe or †, I should now be dead. Even my ↑ would barely have gotten me out alive. But a few strokes of my trusty / dispatched that awful & before he could do any serious damage! It was pwnage."
category:symbols
category:history | 54 |
654,116 | 0 | # 0
*Not to be confused with O:, a similar looking character*
**0**, or **zero**, is a number representing the concept of nothingness. It is also known as nada, null, zilch, zippo, or goose eggs. It means completely nothing, which is not to say you should stop reading this now, or consider the subject meaningless. Consider that it is the thing between +1 and --1. That is to say, it is not the word 'and' between the two numbers above, but the whole number between those two. And that is not because 0 happens to have a hole in it. But we digress, and by saying that, we mean the editorial 'we' and not the writer and '0' because we're not really good friends anymore. In the end, nothingness is a concept much studied by Zen Buddhists, so best practice is to consult with one of them, who can tell you all about nothing.
## Identification
candy bar.jpg
The *number* 0 is easily identified by its being round on the sides, round on top and bottom, and having a hole in the middle. Some zerologists (people who study nothing) have argued that the object around the hole which by itself is indeed nothing, is just unnecessary Junk. But that idea has been extinguished by the majority of zerologists who have murdered the proponents of that theory so they could be right. By comparison, the *letter* O can be distinguished from 0 by the former being round on the sides, round on top and bottom, and having a hole in the middle. Note that 0 is pronounced 'oh' by some individuals which can cause confusion. Just remember the differences given above to learn something about nothing.
The computer world puts a slash through 0 to mark a difference between it and the letter O. However, that character's similarity to road signage such as 'no parking' have encouraged people to try to fill in the centers with symbols to create memes. As no Scandinavians work in the field, there is no confusion at all with the letter Ø.
## History
Greek laptop.jpg
Before 0 was invented, there was no number in between 1 and -1. And instead of 0, people usually called it 'nothing' and said nothing about it. Even though it is unknown who invented the number 0, however it is likely that it was invented in c.1999 BC. Today, we see it everywhere, flashing hypnotically, usually in multiples: calculator, Clock, calculators, temperature displays, clocks, etc., clocks, and clocks... clocks, maybe. And clocks.
A group of zero archaeologists have shown that Babylonians had the idea of 0 but had no symbol for it. Babylonian bookkeepers and accountants, known then as 'bean counters' would merely leave a space where we would leave a zero today. However, some lower level bureaucrats working on taxes would think the numbers they wrote looked kind of lonely with that empty spot and would fill in any other number they liked, making some people suddenly very rich and suddenly very taxable.
The Mayans had several symbols for 0 in their elaborate calendar system. They include *kin* or 'man in bad hat with Bluetooth', *uinal* or 'fat guy's T-shirt with snakes on it' and *tun* or 'subway train headed straight at you'. Otherwise for counting purposes, the symbol 'MG sports car grille turned sideways' was used. This all made for hellacious amounts of time spent making out grocery lists especially since all characters had to be coloured in.
The Chinese used a blank space for 0 for a time, but eventually adopted the character zero, written as 〇, around the year 690. This spread to the Japanese and other Asian cultures. Note that unlike the other representations of 0, this one is round at the sides, round at top and bottom and has a hole in the middle.
Several species of primates and birds have been confirmed to understand the concept of 0. Recently, even bees have been found to comprehend the number 0. So it is interesting in Western history that zero was somehow lost in the scheme of things. Ancient Greeks feared emptiness and refused to use a 0. They also did not have punctuation, so that every single fart joke and meme completely lost its impact on most readers.
`{{wikipedia}}`{=mediawiki}
By the Middle Ages, when most of Europe was fumbling around without 0, and the small number of mathematicians there were grappling with zero-less Roman numerals, Arabs in Spain had 0 down pat and could accurately record sports scores and force their children to learn multiplication and long division.
The United States developed its own version of 0 in the 1840s with the anti-immigrant anti-Catholic Know Nothing Party. Their answer for every question, 'I know nothing', now continues to this day. It is held as gospel by the US electorate and elected officials, proven with an average IQ now in two digits and falling towards zero.
Zero.jpg
## 0 in popular culture
The Japanese Zero was a reality-type First Person Shooter (FPS) game played throughout the Pacific region in the late 1930s to mid-1940s. It would spawn later *manga* and *anime* like *Re:Zero* and *Eden's Zero* plus video game franchises like *Mega Man Zero* and *Zero-K*.
0 is found in novel titles, like Don DeLillo's *Zero K* with no relationship to the video game except for the nihilistic appeal in both, and *Count Zero* by William Gibson with an unfortunate title as most people could count to 0 and would not buy the book. 0 or zero has some popularity in media titles, rather good for something that is nothing.
Coke Zero is a nonexistent carbonated drink with zero popularity that is sold everywhere but nowhere. It is often consumed with a Zero candy bar by hipsters for the maximum ironic effect. Many other products, businesses and concepts use 0 or zero in their names, that despite their synergy, still add up to nothing.
calendar.jpg
## The year 0
A common misconception is that there was a year 0. In reality, there were three years, +0, 00 (also known as True Zero), and -0. This era should not be confused with the Era of Zeroes, also known as the Time of Politicians, beginning in the year 1971. The four 0 years developed due to conflicts between the Julian and Gregorian calendars and the colander. Whilst causing some confusion, the system manages to reconcile all seven versions to everyone's mutual dissatisfaction. Eventually, confusion was ended when the thirteen official variants were condensed into five. Finally by decree of the Holy Roman Emperor Chuckles the Bold, year zero was completely abolished with everything in them, leaving only nine year 0s for people to deal with today. The only remnant today of the year 00 is found on roulette wheels and reprints of Little Orphan Annie comics.
Of particular note is that since 0 is divisible by four, it is a leap year in the Gregorian calendar. Therefore, people born on February 29 of year 0 were unquestionably up shit creek without a paddle. | 58 |
178,163 | 0.999... | # 0.999...
__NOTOC__
In mathematics, **0.999...** (also denoted $0.bar{9}$, $0.dot{9}$ or *"all those nines"*) is a recurring decimal that is, no matter what the so-called 'scientists' say, in no way, shape or form equal to 1. It is at best a poser, repeatedly trying, in vain, to sit at the cool kids' lunch table with the rest of the whole numbers.
Some mathematicians state that if you can fit another number between two number (I.E. an average), then they are two different numbers. If this is not possible, then the numbers are one and the same, proving that 0.999...=1. The greatest genius of our time disagrees, however. There is a hyperreal number for 0.999... When using the Beziér-Parnot construction as outlined in 1584, one gets .999...=1-1/10^H. This is also the exact number of Angels on the head of a pin. Some opposing scholars have noted that if the above is true, then $(4i)^{525}-16epmpicdot 32i$ *must* equal 42 for no average can be found between the two. Yet, a counterproof has been found! The number 0.999...8 (that is, a number starting with 0.999, ending in 8, with an infinite number of nines in between) means that vanilla 0.999... (alternately 0.999...9) is the average of 0.999...8 and 1! Or alternately, $0.999... = 1-(1/(1/0))$ (i.e. 0.999... is 1 minus the reciprocal of infinity).
## A Pragmatic Approach
### Fraction proof
To further understand how .999... does not equal 1, let's do some simple arithmetic. ^1^⁄~3~ is equal to .333... while ^2^⁄~3~ is equal to .666.... What happens when you add the two decimals together? Without your TI-83 plus this might be hard, especially if you're too busy playing Tetris with it. The answer is .999.... Now add the fractions ^1^⁄~3~ and ^2^⁄~3~ together. The answer to that is 1. We know that CAN'T be right! Since 1 is not equal to .999..., it can be deduced that ^1^⁄~3~ doesn't equal .333... and ^2^⁄~3~ is not equal to .666.... And in fact, a moment's thought demonstrates this: for the same reason that .999... keeps getting closer to 1 but never gets there, .333... keeps getting closer to ^1^⁄~3~ but never gets there. Now do you see what lies they are telling us? You must realize the truth! There is no mathematics!
### Algebraic proof
Look at this algebraic proof and tell me straight up that you understand it. If you do, then you sir are a liar. Basicaly how it works is that .999... times 10 is 9.999..., but it has 1 less 9 at the end just like if you times 37.77777 by 10 you will get 377.7777, which has 1 less seven after the decimal. The next step they force you to do is to subtract .999... from 9.999... because as they say "trailing zeros do not change a number", but the answer is 8.999..., so 9c = 8.999... and 8.999/9 = 0.999... **NOT** 1.
### Subtraction proof
Another proof is to subtract 0.999... from 1, which yields 0.000..., which is total bullshit. 1-.999... should equal .0...1, this is just pure logic, which no one in academia seems to have.
> Of Course, the last 1 is so small, it can be ignored
Of course not! He even contradicts himself:
> Precision is the key
### Geometric proof
Another proof is to use the so-called geometric formula that says that the sum of the series a + ar + ar^2^...=^a^/~(1-r)~ Anyways we converted by doing the following: 0.999... is 0.9 times the geometric series with ratio r=0.1 and starting term a=0.9. Now, using the geonetric formula, we get that 0.999...=1. Now, this is bullshit because the geometric formula **also** predicts that 1+2+4+8+16...=-1 which is obviously wrong. Wrong I tell you. WRONG!
## Be Skeptical of Education
Since it is now proven that .999... isn't equal to 1, we know that math is wrong. This leads to the question, what other lies are they telling us? Perhaps A isn't the first letter of the alphabet, or square pegs do fit into round holes. They're sitting in their big rooms trying to figure out how else to screw over the kids in school. Perhaps it's even an alien race trying to dumb us down so that they can easily take us over with the power of .999..., but that's just stupid.
## Conclusion
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The Daily Mail at Wikipedia think they have an article about ***Wikipedia:0.999...*** but they're wrong, wrong, WRONG!
`<noinclude>`{=html}
Anything minus the same thing always equals zero.
1 - 0.999... = 0.0...1
**1 is not the same as 0.999...**
Wikipedia is wrong ONCE again!
`{{FA|date=4 July 2012|revision=5528846}}`{=mediawiki}
`{{math}}`{=mediawiki}
category:numbers
th:0.999... | 62 |
743,524 | 000000000! | # 000000000!
Image:Bouncywikilogo.gif
000 00000 *00000000* 0000000 000000, 000 Scientists 00 Wikipedia 00000 0000 0000 00 0000 000000 ***Wikipedia:0***.
Image:0 warn.png
**`<span style="font-size: medium">`{=html}000000`</span>`{=html}
000000000 00 00000000000 0000 0000 000 00 0000000000
0 00000 000 000000 00000000 00000000000 0000000000 00000000 00000 000000000 000000 0000000 00 0000 00000**
00 000 0000 000 0000 000 000 0000000 0000000 00 00000 0000000 00000
000000 0000 00000 0000000000000 000 0000000000 000000
000000000 0000000000000000 00 00 00000 000 000 0000 000000
Image:0 math.jpg
'''`<span style="font-size: medium">`{=html}0000 0000000 00 Mathematics 0000000.
0000 00000000000000 000000 0000. 000 00 0000 00 00000000, 000 0000 00000? 0000 00 0000000 0000000.
000, 000 0000000 00000 000'0 0000 00 0000 000000000 00 000.`</span>`{=html}
Image:0.svg
Image:0 key.JPG]]
000 000000 0 00 0 0000 000000 0000000 00000. 0000000, 00 00000 0000000. 00000, 0000000000 0000000. 00 00 000 000000 000000 0 000 00. 000 0000000 000 00 000000 0000000000, 00 000 0000 00000000000 00 000000000 00000.
## 000 00 0000
00 00 00000 00000000 0000 000 000000 O. 0000000, 0 00 00 0000 00000 00 0 00 0 000000. 00 00 00000 0000 00000000 0000 0000 0000 0000000000, 0 0000000 0000 00 00000. 0000000, 000 0000000 0000 00 000 00 000 00000.
## 0000000
000000 000 000000 0 000 00000000, 00000 000 00 000000 00 0000000 0000000 0 000 00. 0 Famous 000 Mathematician 00000 00000 0000 0000000 00 000 0 000000 00 000000, 000000 0.
00000 0 00, 00 0000 0000 0 0 000. 00 000 00 000 000000 00000 00 0000000, 000000000000 0000000 00 0000, 000 00000 00 00000000 00 000 00000 000000.
## 00000 000
*000 0000: ASCII art*
` `
` 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 `
` 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 000 `
`0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 000 `
`0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 `
`0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 `
` 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 000 `
` 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000`
` `
## 00000000 00000000 000000
Image:000000000 Error.png 00000000 000 000000 0]]
Image:One 0 and decimal point and 9 0s.JPG]]
000000 Computer 000 000000 0000000000, 000 000000 0 000 00000 0000 000000000 000000. 00000 00000000 000000 000 0000000 00000000 00 0000000000.
0000 000000 00000000 000000 000 0000 000000 00000, 0000 000 00000 00000.
## 0 000 00000000000 00000
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## 00 000 0000 00
Image:Burger King 0.svg 0000 0'0!]]
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## 0000 000000000!
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00, 00, 000 00, 000 00. | 64 |
159,548 | 001 | # 001
image:Guineapigonholiday.jpg
**001** is James Bond's pet guinea pig and stunt double. Although he's not seen very much in the films, he is very dangerous and very much prepared to die gloriously for his country.
## Early Years
Born into a neglecting home, 001 was constantly in fear of being eaten. He vowed to himself that one day...one day he would be on the big screen and in action films, much like his hero Jesus. His talent was first noticed by a young, headstrong director, and after a few unsuccessful appearances in mediocre films, he was picked for the role of Neo in The Matrix. This deal however, fell through as he recently had broken up with his fiance, a well known Swedish model (who will remain anonymous). The emotional strain was too great for the gallant guinea pig, and he turned to cocaine to ease his sorrow. The debts were building, and he finally sought help. After cleaning up his act, he returned to his acting career, starring in many Shakespearian plays including Othello, Romeo & Juliet, and his personal favourite: Oral sex 3: KISS THIS!
He finally got his big break, starring as the calm, collected Andy Dufrense in The Shawshank Redemption.
The offers for roles began rolling in.
## First Appearance
Noel Coward wrote a book all about 001, called *Fur Ball*. Over two thousand pages long, the book deals with 001's childhood, drinking binges and eventual entry into the secret service via an open window. 001 goes on to save the The Free World from ruin by defeating Blofeld's plan to destroy Wales with a nuclear missile. Just as Blofeld is about to detonate the device, 001 runs around squeaking loudly and confusing the supervillain until he falls drunkenly off his platform and breaks his neck.
Friends and acquaintances of Fleming claim that he was very drunk when he wrote the book, but eventually he sobered up and threw it in the fire. From that point on, he decided that the guinea pig thing just wasn't working, and instead made his spy be a English man from England.
## The 00 Numbers
In Fleming's original vision, the 00 numbers marked an evolution in the nature of spying, from an earthworm (000) to a human (Sean Connery). In between there is:
- **002** A rocket powered vole.
- **003** A small labrador puppy that worked mostly in Czechoslovakia.
- **004** A kick boxing kangaroo who did secret missions in Australia and Narnia.
- **005** An otherwise unremarkable Colobus monkey.
- **006** An orangutan, code named "Stumpy," who died when he fell off a bridge outside Minsk. The inspiration for this character is purportedly Sean Bean.
Each 00 number represents a license to do something nasty. In the case of 007, it's a license to kill. For 006 and 005, it's a license to hit something quite hard with a rubber hammer. 004, of course, has a license to kick box. 003 has a license to foul up carpets, while 002 and 001 have a license to nip --- which basically means that they can bite someone's ankle. 000 has a license to burrow in earth, which suits him fine but is not very useful for getting rid of Barney.
## 001 and Bond
001's principal role in the Bond stories is one of support. Whenever Bond is feeling depressed and wondering why he even became a spy at all, 001 appears on the sidelines doing a cheerleader dance and waving a pair of small flags. He usually squeaks out the same song, called "We love you James":
: *We love you James,*
: *and we feel your pain,*
: *But if you don't start blowing shit up ...*
: *... and quickly ...*
: *Then it's off to the funny farm for you again.*
Sometimes he looks to the camera with one eye and intones those famous words "*The name's Pig. Guinea ... Guinea Pig*", but they always edit that bit out.
## The Ladies
001 has naturally had his fair share of leading ladies. The great majority are attracted to him like magnets. They really enjoy tickling him under his chin and going "ooooohhhh but he's so cuuuuuuute!" --- which is something that really annoys him. Only Eva Green has claimed that 001 attracts her on an intellectual level, namely, her own. Ms. Green has stated publicly that 001's observations on art and philosophy have kept her warm and confused on many a long winter's evening. 001 used to have Eva's portrait hung up in his cage until Daniel Craig ripped it to pieces in a jealous rage.
## Notable Dialogue
image:001finger.jpg
**Bond:** Do you eckshpect me to talk?
**Goldfinger:** No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!...
**001:** Squeeeeeeeeek squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
**Goldfinger:** What was that?
**Bond:** Er, nothing. Nice laesher you have here. Lovely colour ...
**Goldfinger:** Well, um, yes, thank you. I designed it myself, you know. From gold, actually. As per usual.
**001:** Squeeeeeeeeek!
*(at this point, the laser switches off and there is a soft thud as 001 falls from the mechanism)*
**Goldfinger:** It's that damned guinea pig! Henchmen, come here!
**Bond:** Run 001, run!
*(Henchmen appears and throws his bowler hat in the general direction of 001, but it misses and cuts a powerline, plunging half of Nevada into darkness. Henchmen looks to camera and shrugs)*
**Comedy trumpet:** Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
**001:** You Idiot.
## Retirement
In early 2006, 001 was retired prematurely due to Psycosis. Apparently 007 and Q got drunk one night, and without going into too much detail the incident involved a torch, a tube and a bottle of lubricant and ended up with 001 covered in a blanket of Arse gravy. No-one has seen 001 since and it is widely believed that his identity was changed. Although there are a number of people who believe that he still resides comfortably in 007's rectal cavity.
## The Future
Up until now, 001's film career has always been overshadowed by 007's. 001 has had to make do with bit parts and seedy walk-ons. After pestering Broccoli for years, however, the studios have finally relented to 001's demands and allowed him to star in a film of his own.
Provisionally titled *Road Safety is Important*, the film is aimed at younger children, simple adults and morons. 001 plays a guinea pig who has to cross a busy six lane motorway. After looking left, then right, then left again, and making sure the road is clear, he runs across it and is greeted on the other side by an adoring female who gives him an ice cream as a reward for being so careful. Meanwhile, Daniel Craig barrels across the same road with his gun drawn and gets hit by a speeding concrete mixer. 001 turns to the camera, winks and says, "So kids, who'd you rather be now, huh?"
The film is slated for release in early 2008, despite protests by children's groups, Chester the Cat, the Norwegian Mafia, the Green Cross Man and almost everyone else.
There is reason to believe that he will be in the next James Bond film, *Bond 22: Electric Boogaloo*. | 65 |
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