SOCKET_DATA/hahackathon#humor_rating/val_text.txt

What's the difference between a Bernie Sanders supporter and a fat stripper? A fat stripper actually gets to the polls.
Vodka, whisky, tequila. I'm calling the shots.
French people don't masturbate They Jacque off
A lot of Suicide bombers are Muslims - I don't blame them... I too would kill myself if I was a Muslim.
What happens when you fingerbang a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red.
Who's the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
Caught a tall black man looking through my window today. I knew he was tall because I live on the 2nd floor.
Adam came before eve.... but then men normally do.
Yeah...sounds good. Let's go into the woods at night. What could go wrong?
How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? "I just need some space."
Big boobs are God's way of saying sorry to ugly girls.
"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer? The taste.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
[first day as a tsa agent] me: arms up guy: [t-pose] me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend. You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? CLAUStrophobia!
Did you hear about the band who were due to play a concert against teenage pregnancies? They pulled out at the last second.
Last night I was visited by a ghost who claimed he had "unfinished business." Turns out he just needed something notarized.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking: 'It's psychic, you idiot.'
Guy: "Did the bus come yet?" Me: "If the bus came would I be standing here?"
What do you call an Asian prize fighter who's dad has a serious case of diarrhea? A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy
Anyone else having trouble getting rid of blackheads? I would put them in the bin but the bin men would just get suspicious.
Darth Vader - The only black man to take responsibility for his child.
Cremating my mother inlaw today was very distressing. We weren't close or anything its just the fact there wont be a grave to dance on
I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.
Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes.
A snail is just a slug with a turban on.
"Where's your mom from?" "Alaska." "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself."
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash
If an object falls at 500ft/s how far must Mohammed run to escape the blast?
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they come with their own scales.
I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
Police station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.
[teacher] 24 + x + 30 = 90. Find x. [student] It's between 24 and 30.
I wish the GPS lady would periodically say things like "Doin' great" or "Still going the right way, good job."
"I had a stroke" Is what I intend to use as my excuse to my girlfriend, when she asks why I've been arrested at the strip club.
My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
What do you call a person who hates fat people? Weighcist
I tripped in France. Eiffel over.
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jose
This woman said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
what dating advice would you give your younger self? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees and Toes.
My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers
If you believe everything you read, better not to read
Just told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.
"Hiya" is probably the worst greeting you can possibly say to a karate instructor.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing. Haven't heard from him since.
They call guitars axes because you don't want to be around when an amateur gets ahold of one near a campfire.
I don't understand how Elvis got so fat He ate nothing but a hound dog
I like my women like I like my milk... White, with 2% fat.
You know you spend way too much time on Twitter when your wife asks what you're doing online and "porn" is a better answer.
When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of!
What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
Some people are so ignorant and narrow minded. Not all Muslims are terrorists you know. Some are taxi drivers.
What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink
A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying "They took our jobs!"
What did the fat cat go to prison for? Purrrjury
A group of leprechauns was recently busted for selling fake granite Yeah, they were sham rocks.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
This is how Venmo suggests you approach the problem first. I sent the message a few days ago and Random Emily has not replied. I just sent a "reminder" and I want to die
Just got back from a very emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!
California Fun Fact: 50% of our land is under yoga mats.
At least when blacks started moving to this country we didn't have to worry about losing out jobs. Just our wallets.
What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz
For no reason whatsoever, I’ve been thinking about how long we have until Young Boomer and Elder Gen-X names become cool baby names again; GIVE ME BABY BARBARA AND BABY LINDA!!
"Hi, I'm not a scammer, random Emily, but can you please send me back the chunk of money I sent you last week?"
The 1-2 punch of the Thong Episode plus the Spice Girls Episode last night was really something. When Maya takes a bite of the apple bong and throws it on the ground!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic? The surgeon said: Go ahead, knock yourself out.
boss: can i see you in my office me: [sheathing sword] why
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."...is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger? Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
I broke my finger last week... On the other hand I'm OK.
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and.... ....I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
I have a Pakistani girl friend. Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn't sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops.
You momma so stupid.. She got fired from the m&m factory for throwing away all the W's
Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He's so boring! Don't worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted *pulls out seven layer dip*
Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA
911: ok just stay where you are me: [stuck in the baby swing] ok
I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
I was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it.
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
How does a mother in West Virginia know when her daughter is on her period? Her son's dick tastes like blood.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
"It's a boy!" I shouted with tears. "I don't believe it. A boy!" It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Freudly, my dear, I don't give a dad.
Do you think Spain knew what they were doing when they let us have Florida?
As I was checking into the hotel I asked, 'Is the porn channel disabled?' The girl at the desk said, 'No, you sick bastard'.
I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
Im the nice guy that finished first..
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
What do wizards call unmagical African Americans? Niggles
One minute my girlfriend is asking me to stop cross dressing, and when I argue about it she tells me to put myself in her shoes.
I'd hate to be a midget chef. The steaks are too high.
My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.
Don't be racist. It doesn't matter if you're black, asian or normal!
Everyone always says no one likes Africans. Well I've just been to Africa and I can assure you those fucking flies are quite fond of them.
A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
"Does this uniform make me look fat?" - Insecurity Guard
My sister told me she's dating an Irish guy I said, "Oh really?" She replied, "No, O'Reilly."
Oh so this bath is only for birds? Pass me my pants, I have a pocket copy of the constitution in there I'd like you to read.
A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"
Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
Decluttered my closet this weekend- not a single pair of my pants "sparked joy" and now I'm being charged with indecent exposure.
The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?''
I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just sitting around doing nothing.
On facebook you can see how much your friends change. Like this one guy I've known since grade 1 doesn't talk about dinosaurs at all anymore
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can't think how I can ever repay you.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
adam: [naming the birds] tits god: lol ok but let's take this a little more seriously adam: blue-footed boobies god: you can't name all the birds after boobs adam: [pointing to rooster] cock
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Someone visiting Ireland sent me this photo of an ancient bog person. It looks just like me when I forget to moisturize.
3 big lies. 1. I love you. 2. I'm fine. 3. That was my last piece of gum.
After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy.
How many Jews does it take to change Hitler's mind? None, there has to be no Jews.
Genie: You have 3 wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Ok. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a...
A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care....
Facebook statuses are much like people with Down Syndrome. They were fun to look at for a while but ultimately no use to anyone.
How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower? You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Happy Valentines Day if you're celebrating, and Happy Friday if you couldn't care less. Today's a win-win.
Christians read the Bible, Jews read the Torah, Muslims the Quran. Niggers? The Jungle Book.
Just walked into an Arby's and asked, 'What's fresh today?' The cashier pointed to her cold sore.
Tired of poems telling me how hard to go into that good night.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.
What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event? Cross country
Dallas Black people: please be Muslim please be Muslim please be Muslim. Muslim people: please be black please be black please be black
Why do Jews have big noses? Free air.
How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mom.
"How do I look?" [friend] Fine. [good friend] Really pretty. [best friend] Horrible.
Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs.
People say I'm 'old' and 'out of touch' but guess who just got his first iPod shuffle?
Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown 
boss: we need ideas for this sesame street show writer: a blue monster that eats cookies writer: a trash-dwelling grouch named oscar new guy: a big fucking bird
Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.
If you can't fix the brakes on your car, make your horn louder.
Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it.
[first day in hell] satan: rule number one is no jokes me: and what is the policy on updog satan: you're going to burn forever guy in the back: wait what's updog everyone: pffff satan: holy shit no way
I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years party... When you hear an arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
[friend] Hey dude. Washing your car? [me] Nope. I'm watering it to see if it grows.
What do you get if a post office burns down? Black mail.
They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it's not quite an emergency but you still need to vent. "Hello, Operator? Yeah, there's a bird on my car... No, I'm in the house, but I can see him through the window."
NYT says elevator 'door close' buttons don't work and are there to give a false sense of control. In a related story, my life has been a lie.
3 years ago I married my best friend... My girlfriend was angry but Dave and me thought it was hilarious.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender.
My wife is like a plunger She's good at bringing up old shit.
Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn't know what group to join. She's still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa.
"Son In Iraq I killed 15 people." Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where there was a brother frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied, "No, I'm the chip monk".
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons? Jose and Hoseb
My girlfriend keeps telling all her friends I'm racist.. typical lying Mexican.
I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong. He'll come round - eventually.
What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider
If I had a dollar every time someone called me a racist, a lot of black people would try to rob me
Okay it is Fall Fucking Soup Time, what is your favorite recipe so everyone can cocoon themselves in soup recipes for the next five months?
Ever noticed that all ghosts are White? Yeah, it looks like a good afterlife, doesn't it.
What did Oprah say when she visited Harlem? "YOU get a father, and YOU get a father, and YOU get a father! Everybody gets a father!!!
shit. the number the girl at the Sprint store gave me is MY number
Don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aids.
A Mexican , a black guy , an arab and A Jew Jump out of a plane....who wins? Society
Happy Fathers Day to all the amazing dads out there! We raise our best dad mugs to all the great things you do...including the dad jokes.
2 things you can learn in school: Texting without looking and teamwork on tests.
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I thought it would be confusing if we were both called Kevin.
What's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
Any fellow witches have a suggestion for what to do with the rest of the newt? Loving doing potions but I don't want to be wasteful.
A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.
A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear." Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache. Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck!
Me and my limbo team go way back.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Epileptic Santa! "He seizures when you're sleeping."
I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. 
Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you... But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too.
Here we go, the legendary Hollywood Week! Or as we like to call it, American Idol bootcamp.
[me] Some people are like the summer. [friend] You mean hot? [me] I mean no class.
Everywhere I look in my house I'm reminded of my dead wife. I really need to get round to cleaning the blood off the walls.
Liquor probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.
A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what...... IT WOODEN GO!
To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 yrs now, stop starting every call we have with that."
I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. Can't take it anymore." Opened the fridge and the light came on. What the hell did she mean?
Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son? Son: I smoked weed, dad Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot
A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I said: 'That's the last thing I need.'
Chilli didn't originate in Chile. There's surprisingly little ice on Iceland and Greenland is far from green. I'm emigrating to Niger.
What smells worse than an anchovy? An anchovy's cunt
Can't the starving African children just eat the fucking flies? That'll curb their hunger for the rest of their lives.
Some helium floats into a bar and tries to order a drink. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases in here." The helium doesn't react.
What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawnmower Unemployed
I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'...Because that's where I go to cry.
Can I ask you something? You're already asking.
What did the lifeguard say to the drowning hippie? You're too far out man!
Sorry about your street cred, black guys named Milton.
Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin
[after tripping, falling, and straight up sobbing for 9 minutes] so can I start you guys off with some drinks
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure"...is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Unless my wife just gave birth to you.
How to be an asian... Just squint your eyes and say "We all how smaw deek" out loud.
Taught my friend that beard guys have a secret beard handshake. It's just touching beards and yes the lips kiss too but it's about the beard
I love the 70 year old dude from Big Sky who's like, when you asked last time, I said Green Party just to fuck with you!
"You're the bomb, no you're the bomb" A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.
I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead. That spoke volumes.
People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
Two Popes is dope
Common sense is like AIDS. Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
What do you call two just married spiders? Newly webs.
Who is by far the smartest man in the army? General Knowledge.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Why is Peter Pan always in flight? He Neverlands.
I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.
I was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown
What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom.
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
I never question myself. Why should I start now?
What do you call a Communist Mexican? A Gaucho Marxist
Why do Arabs wear thawbs? Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.
What moisturiser do Spanish bullfighters use? Olay.
How long does it take an Ethiopian Women to take a shit? 9 Months.
"Kick Kick" don't you mean "knock knock?" No, I haven't got any arms.
Bachelorette party planners: make sure to buy chocolate penises with at least 65% cocoa if you want the antioxidant benefits.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
"Daddy, can Akhmed come to my birthday party?" I guess so. He can help blow the balloons up.
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
What do 9/10 people enjoy? Gang-rape
boss: if you have any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask me: what if dumbledore wore jeans
I slipped on some black ice yesterday... I thought it was regular ice until I realized my wallet was gone.
"I can't eat anymore. I'm full" "Do you want a cookie?" "YESSSSSSSS!"
You know those people who say "College football is better when notre dame is good"?? I'm not one of those people. As a great coach once said, "To hell with Notre Dame".
I like how politicians always address us like we are positive, civic-minded, motivated people. I think we're all a bunch of fat jerks.
Why do black guys always get red eyes during sex? Pepper spray.
Why do black people have white palms? Everyone has a little good in them.
Masturbation always leads to sex. It's a gateway tug
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents.
After a great day in the sun, sea & sand with my wife, it ended in the best way possible. She drowned.
Who came up with the word eerie, the fucking... e... store?
What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice Paddy.
What do you call an Asian receptionist? Tai Ping.
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches... He said only thyme would tell.
The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she's fat is to fake a seizure.
My girlfriend left because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry... I'll return.
What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt!
Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS.
What do black people drive? house prices down
Happy "turn your head and cough" Day! But seriously...get your yearly physical.
Have you seen how bright the sun is during that Japanese heatwave? The whole population are squinting.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart.
Yo momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Police were called to a daycare centre today. A two-year-old boy was resisting a rest.
Me : What's the wifi password? Bartender : You need to buy a drink first Me : Ok, I'll have a coke Bartender : Is Pepsi ok? Me : Sure, How much is that? Bartender : $3 Me : Ok. So what's the wifi password? Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase
"Are we having fireworks tonight, dad?" "Seeing as your mother's burnt my dinner. Yes son, we are."
How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
[first day as a doctor] me: look i know we didn't get along in high school but let's put that behind us here bully: ok i just need my diagnosis me: looks like you tested positive for bitch
After sex there's nothing quite like a cigarette. The wife doesn't know I smoke but then again she doesn't know I fuck other women either.
I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder.
I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer. Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.
Went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Only when I got home did I realise I'd picked 7up.
[first day as a surgeon] chief: any questions on for first day? me: [raises hand] what do i do with this severed hand
What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
What is a Mexican's favorite bookstore? Borders
If a Catholic church is travelling at the speed of light, does it still have mass?
What if Lady Gaga was half Irish, half Japanese? Rady O'Gaga
Just realized I've been binge-watching my children's lives since they were born.
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu.
From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
[first day as a hibachi chef] me: just try to catch it in your mouth customer: i don't want to do it me: [holding an entire turkey] ok here we go
apple: our new watches are waterproof up to 30 meters deep me: what about arby's sauce apple: [visibly afraid] why would you have 30 meters of arby's sauce me: answer the god damn question
[first day as a doctor] patient: please just give it to me straight doc me: [terrified of confrontation] so you're going to un-live
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
[first day as a beautician] customer: you ruined my eyebrows me: are you mad i can't tell
me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week... ...and it said 2-4 years on the box.
Apparently, black men are hung like horses. Since when did anyone hang horses from trees?
[friend] Did the bus come yet? [me] If the bus came would I be standing here?
How do German women know when they're pregnant? They're never late...
I keep looking at the smoke map that's promising "moderate air" tomorrow where I am and waiting for it to betray me
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVXYZ: Well well well if it isn't Mr. Syllables. W: Fuck off, guys.
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?... At least when your eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!
I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual.
Zebras are just horses that have escaped from prison.
Dear teacher: If the bell doesn't dismiss me, then the bell doesn't decide when I should be in class.
guy: "You look nice today!" girl: "Didn't I look nice yesterday?"
They used up all the fancy Latin words naming parts of the brain and by the time they got down to the legs they had to go with stuff like 'hamstring'
What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.
Society is like toast. Scrape off the black bits and you're good to go.
Burkas are fantastic. If you change wives, you can still keep the same photo in your wallet.
What did the black woman name her 5 sons? Tyrone. How did she tell them apart? She just called them by thier last names.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
What do men and public toilets have in common? All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice. Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"
What does Subway and a Hollywood Tranny have in common? Both offer $5 dollar Foot Longs
Why are Ethiopian's teeth so white? Because they never use them
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
Pro tip: if you're caught peeing in public, write the word 'Hi' ì now you're expressing a First Amendment right.
"My memory is so bad." "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?"
The cross country skier decided to retire because his career was going downhill.
I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is. I stand corrected.
[friend] Can I ask you something? [me] You're already asking.
Imagine watching Kirk Cousins play and locking him up for 6 years, $90,000,000, fully guaranteed. BWAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. You Like That
A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?" "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.
Donald Trump - 'Every man and woman will receive $1200 during this crisis. And just like that.... There were only 2 genders again!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
How do you call a beautiful feminist? An oxymoron
Here we go!!! Dr. Sam...haha. The one armed doctor is in!
I heard they came out with the new black transformer... His name is Optimus *Crime*
one time I stuck my hand in a jar of jelly beans and when I took it out all the black one stole my rings and watch
Even the best men in the Chinese military Have chinks in their armor
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
 Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"
why do mexicans make refried beans? Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.
Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout returns home from the camp.
why do we only eat some of the animals? I'm looking at you manatees keep being fat, your day will come
You'll get it next time, bud.' - Me, every time I try to spell the word 'necessary'
People think I'm weird because I swallowed an Abacus. It's what's inside that counts.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.
What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? "Hey, can you help me pack my shit?"
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we walked around the office, she starting crying, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my colleagues gathered round she sobbed: "But daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
who says homosexuality isn't a decision? i turn women gay all the time.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car
Son: Mom! What's a girlfriend? Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.
My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.
What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west if only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Yawning is our body's way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
woman should have 4 pets in her life A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for it all.
[first day as safari guide] me: ah yes on your left you can see some uh [forgot my glasses] guests: [looking at flamingos] me: i'm gonna say cotton candy
What's the difference between Jews and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney.
What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable? Barackoli.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend any more.
[out at dinner] me: is that guy staring at you? i should kick his ass, i fear nothing my girlfriend: i think you should just ask the waiter for the check me: i fear one thing
Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?
A giant fly has attacked the local police... Police have called SWAT team.
I saw a cougar. In leopard-print tights. Driving a Jaguar. No lion.
What do flies wear on their feet? Shoos.
"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"
When a Lyft driver offers you a mint, it's 'good service.' But somehow it's 'not cool' when I offer all my passengers a rotisserie chicken.
Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy.
An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar. She says ***"Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!"*** Apparently she was giving me her number.
A guy died from laughing too much. It was manslaughter.
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
[friend] Perfect morning for running. [me] Perfect morning for sleeping more.
I don't know who needs to hear this but January is almost over
I miss my umbilical cord, I grew attached to it.
Finally got round to watching 12 years a slave. Can't believe how badly they treated that poor man. He paid good money for that nigger.
I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband."
what is the most confusing day in the ghetto? father's day
My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav.
Apparently 'Because I'm white' isn't an acceptable answer to "What proof can you give that you were NOT at the scene of the crime"
What did the asian parents call their retarded son? Sum ting wong
Germany opened up a summer school for kids with ADD. Its a concentration camp.
'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it!
Just learned that the money I donated to help 'save' the elephants goes to baptizing them.
[teacher] "Solve 128 x 8 + (96 : 4 x 32) + 5 x 90.5 : 2 on the board" [student] Erase the board. Problem solved.
How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
[first day working at a sperm bank] guy: i'd like to make a donation me: ok cum right this way guy: me: because guy: no I get it
BUT DON'T WORRY, THE BARS ARE STILL OPEN
What borders stupidity? Canada and Mexico.
Just think, 100 years from now, our grandchildren will be taking down Senator Kid Rock statues.
"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella
Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
Whenever a pen stops working mid-sentence, instead of doing a few swirls at the top of the page, I start drawing the outline of a pen being broken in half and old Mr Bic gets the message real fast.
Things That Dont Make Sense women who complain about cant finding a good man but they always been attracted to the bad guys
boss: can i talk to you in my office me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I can't wait for a McDonald's to open in Ethiopia just so I can ask..... "You want flies with that?"
did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
I hate two types of people: 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words when they aren't actually there. 2) Hippocrites.
What do you call a black guy in a museum? Antique farm equipment
I also bought my one allotted massive bag of Candy Corn; I am ready To Fall
A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments. I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.
I did the Macarena, the mashed-potatoes, and the "funky-chicken," and I had my young daughter absolutely rolling over with laughter. My wife had a face like thunder though and hissed, "Get the fuck off my mother's grave."
My ex-girlfriend was a slut. She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie. 
To be frank, would involve changing my name.
"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?" "No son, have you seen my dad glasses?"
What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.
I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug.
What do you call a black lady having an abortion? A hero
After I retire, I want to move to Vermont and confuse visitors by opening a 'Bed OR Breakfast.'
Why did the baker rob the bank? Because he kneaded the dough.
Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him 'no.'
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera? Phil Ming.
why did my wife didn't like her jewellery? cuz she is a nazi
Most of the time "politically incorrect" is just code for "incorrect."
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we're not around?
Just found out that every Fourth of July, the British celebrate, "We Dodged a Bullet Day."
When my Girlfriend got pregnant... Everything changed... My name, My Address, My phone number, My email ID Everything.....
My extreme sport is people watching on Halloween weekend. Who got a shot of the best costume?
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself "What the hell happened to the roof?"
Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He went up on a guy.
'Vegetarian' is an old Indian word ... ... for 'bad hunter'.
How are black people like Christmas lights? Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't that bright
Many people are worrying about the affects of genetically modified crops. "There is no proof of any adverse effects,' said one carrot.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Caitlin Jenner isn't transgender. She's trans-Jenner.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? "Can you smell carrots?"
Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
[commercial for straws] doesn't life fucking suck ha ha [turns to new camera angle] well now you can too
I asked a woman at work... "Are you doing anything this weekend?" "No" she smiled whilst fluttering her eyelashes... "Great" I replied "the rest will do you the world of good, you look like shit"
Apparently saying "I didn't think anyone would notice" is not a justifiable excuse for having a shit in a Mosque.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I'll pass the test.
With how fat America is, I'm surprised their currency isn't in pounds.
With the way science is going and the way journalism is going, it's possible that in twenty years the weirdest part of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be that there was once a local reporter.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China. He says he can't complain.
Where do you take a frog with bad eyesight? To the hoptician.
Today is National Orgasm Day? What is the world cumming to?
Every morning, I do 100 pushups and 300 crunches, then follow it up with 2 huge lies about my morning routine.
Teach a man to fish? Never. It's hard enough to catch those slippery devils without the competition. I'll teach a man a scary story about how the ocean will kill you if you even think about fishing.
I am, regrettably, here
Give an African a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach an African to phish and he'll steal your identity.
I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
A little fact about me: 'I can hold my pee all night' was my least successful pickup line.
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
"I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10" 1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride
What do gay Asian men do in the bedroom? They Bangkok
What do you call footwear made from a banana? A slipper!
I painted my PC black hoping it would run faster but now it doesn't work at all.
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck all day.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
Finally some free time. Should I push the button on my phone that makes me feel bad about my career, the one that makes me feel bad about my body, or the one that makes me feel bad about the people I grew up with?
Me and my recliner go way back.
Why Latvian man did cross road? Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.
Oh I also bought some wool socks, very glamorous
Confucius say its good to meet girl in the park ...But its better to park meat in the girl.
What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.
What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? SNOWBALLS!
Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
Time for another beer... 4 th Quarter time.
Snap! Crackle! Pop!' - me getting out of a beach chair.
Not really looking forward to my next Podcast.... it may be tonight...it may be tomorrow... ugh... Fear The Deer
Kim Jong Un has become so fat We now refer to him as Kim Jong Deux.
Just went to the doctor, my BMI is 40% ice cream.
I have a job crushing soft drink cans. It's soda pressing.
Tried to impress my buddy by dunking two balls into the poolside basketball hoop at the same time but the balls bounced off each other and killed me.
Q: What does an Irishman have for dinner? A: Starvation. Q: And what does he have for dessert? A: Ethnic cleansing.
I always appreciate a good pun, but never geographical ones There's Norway I'd sink Oslo as that
I saw two really fat people today talking... Looked like a heavy discussion
A lion never cheats on their wife. But a Tiger Wood.
I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.
Does it make me seem more badass if I drink this Sleepytime Herbal Tea out of a human skull?
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
"I stand corrected," said the man in orthopaedic shoes.
FACEBOOK GROUP. "Every women deserves a man who looks at her like its the first he saw her". Luckily for my wife I've got Alzheimers.
Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.
Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated.
Dear Math, I don't want to solve your problem, I have my own problems to solve. Sincerely, students.
Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights. It's going to be Excel Lent.
I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it's fine.
What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers.
A paraplegic walks into a bar. Only joking. As if.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal.
A Mormon came to my door, and after a long, emotional, and persuasive pitch, I got him to start wearing longer sleeves.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Twitter is cool cuz someone who works at a bank will tweet amazing jokes and the funniest comedian you know will tweet "today I had an egg"
Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.
"Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
Chess is banned under Islam. They hate that the queen moves freely and that there are two towers standing.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .
Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.
I didn't realize the reopening of the Lego store was going to be so popular... People were lining up for blocks.
Why Christmas is like a job day? You do all the work but the big fat man in suit get the credits
You're about as useful as Anne Frank's Drum Kit
What do you call an African American Houdini? Black Magic
Ever hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he.
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me. He told me the steaks were too high.
Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"
A guy walks into a hotel and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The front desk guy replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Number 1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts "Stop boolean me!".
Bold prediction for Mayweather Mc Gregor: multiple violent incidents between drunken fans who see this event as a racial proxy war.
What did the mermaid wear to her maths class? An algae bra.
[teacher] Where's your homework? [student] I lost it. 15 minutes later [student] I just found it! [teacher] No. You just did it.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.
A sign you are a grown up is when you realize, school is actually more fun than work.
Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
Basketball. The legal way to buy a nigger.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE.
Facebook is basically a website that will tell you people's birthdays in exchange for whatever joy you were feeling before you opened it.
What do you call the first black guy elected to the White House? Precedent.
I guess hookers are getting into the holiday spirit. I seen one today advertising pumpkin spice pussy.
I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.
Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement. Regards, Doc.
What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap
chocolate just tastes better when you pretend a fat German kid drowned in it
When you're a kid and you draw some legs you simply draw two sticks. It's not until you're older that you learn the importance of the butt.
Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis."
Dear mathematics: Stop asking to find your x. She has a new boyfriend.
What's the difference between my dick and my jokes? My girlfriend never laughs at my jokes
NYC's official First Day Of Spring is when outdoor seating becomes an option again.
Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What do you call a group of Japanese people running up a hill? Tsunami Warning
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: "Bread in captivity."
[first day as a priest] guy: father i must confess my sins me: what's the tea my child
Railing at what's wrong with the opposite sex is like yelling at cancer. It may make you feel better, but it won't heal a thing.
Boy: Calls 911 Boy: calls 911 Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
First rule of Bollywood Club is: Copy every plot from Hollywood Club. Second rule of the Bollywood Club is: Dance for no fucking reason.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Do teens actually like PEN15 or is it too *actually* teen?
boss: our insurance doesn't cover "scared farting syndrome" me: i was afraid you'd say that boss: me: boss: oh jesus christ man
Falafel is a weird name cuz I actually falgreat every time I eat one
Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
I can't eat anymore, I'm full Do you want a cookie? YESSSSSSSS!
I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them.
Barbie have revealed their first hijab-wearing doll. It's so realistic that it even has a removable clitoris.
So you're telling me, I'm the *only* person at this party who thought the 'B' in 'BYOB' stands for 'Botulism?'
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
"He wouldn't know a suburb unless he took a wrong turn" is admittedly a good line
Why should transgender people get separate bathrooms? There's already handicapped stalls.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
[first day as a baker] boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Do you think the guy who invented French bread was overcompensating?
I dream of girl's changing rooms being full of naked, showering women. But whenever I've run in there, they're just full of screaming ones.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish!
Just got picked up in a self-driving Lyft. And the driver still talked my ear off.
Even though we're in the same time zone, my wife is always one hour ahead of me.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend's food budget to be about $78,000 a year.
Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister... Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...
Flowers are badasses. Flowers eat the sun and if you don't think that's badass I can't help you.
How do you bury a Jew? Dig a really deep hole and throw a penny in it.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
[first day in heaven] me: i'm sorry the bible just doesn't mention jesus having a brother brett christ: are you fucking serious
boss: can i speak to you in my office me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV. Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?
"Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??" Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually. Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
What type of bees produce milk? Boobees.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.
Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? One goes "cockadoodle doo", the other goes, "Any cock 'ill do." 
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with an illegal immigrant? Paperless transaction
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said: 'How about walking through the room naked?'
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
"Son, I found a condom in your room." "Gee thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Exercise bikes get you nowhere.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbour is dead against it.
Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind man. Today I lost my job as a bus driver.
"You look nice today" "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Some people cry when slicing up onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.
[arriving in hell] me: i didn't know i'd have to wear what i died in forever satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Yo mama's so dumb, she bought tickets to see Xbox live.
Volkswagen How many Jews Can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor
[first day working at subway] robber: gimme all your money me: would you like that toasted
Did you study for the test? Nerd: All week long. Most of people: I read the chapter. Me: What test?!
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard... He went downhill very quickly after that.
American Detective: I solved the case by breaking all the rules British Detective: I solved the case by noticing a specific umbrella
I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.
Friends: "what a perfect morning for a run" Me: "What a perfect morning for sleeping more"
Italian restaurant. I went to my local Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large fat woman standing at the entrance. I couldn't get pasta.
Happy Thanksgiving! Grateful for fam, friends, hibiscus tea, and stretchy pants that I'll need tomorrow. What're you thankful for?
How does the Easter bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise.
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.
[teacher] Why are you late? [student] Why does it matter? You still get paid, right?
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.
What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period.
Whats the useless skin around the vagina called? A woman
I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did.
Chinese takeout $30.00. Gas to pick it up $20.00. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers - Riceless
A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey". The horse replies, "Sure".
A real man should know how to order whiskey: on the rocks, in a stemmed glass, and replaced with white wine.
I'm half-French and half-American, but I know my heart is American, do you know why? Because if it were French it would stop working!
[late 2000's medical drama] doctor: [walks in from operating room] woman: how is he [the doctor gives a pained frown as how to save a life by the fray starts playing] doctor: oh that's my ringtone [answers phone] what's that oh her husband died damn ok
The body is 70% water.. So cool, I'm not fat, I'm just flooded..
How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job? Marry her.
I asked one of my sumo-wrestling friends whether he wanted some sushi for dinner He just replied "No thanks, I'm not a big Japanese guy"
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Coca-Cola can be pretty insensitive. I mean how are black kids going to feel when they pick up a bottle with "Share a Coke with Dad" on it?
Jokes about German sausages are the Wurst.
What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for I can never get a straight answer.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick.
Little timmy has no hands. What did he get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding. He still cant open his present. christmas jokes
A short poem for y'all... "*Roses are black* *Violets are black* *Everything's black* *Even I am black*" - Stevie Wonder
The Taliban's new leader is said to be 'low-key.' Which explains the Taliban's new video, 'Death to Whatevs!'
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Time flies when you're throwing watches.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class.
Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it's a bad birthday present.
What if the man in Edvard Munch's 'The Scream' is actually just singing 'Day-O' from 'The Banana Boat Song?'
I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
boss: what are you doing inventor of the bagpipes: i have no fucking idea
"Mum, all the black kids call each other Nigga, but when I call them it I get in trouble." "That's because you're a police officer."
I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.