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I got a bike for my girlfriend Best trade i have ever made.

Don’t die, there is so much to live for... I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" He said "Why shouldn't I?". I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition - everything was made of grass and leaves. One day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. The thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds. Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around? “Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?” “No, not a soul, actually.” “Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

So, I put on some white noise because I heard it helps you sleep. Who the hell falls asleep while Nickelback is playing?

There’s an unusual hospital where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything to do with him. Days go by and the poor man’s health doesn’t improve. So finally, this one nurse feels sorry for him and brings him home. When she comes in the next morning, she is smiling and happy. The other nurses ask, “Why are you so happy? Weren’t you with the guy who has ‘Shorty’ tattooed on his penis?” “Yes,” she says, “but when he became aroused, it said ‘Shorty’s Restaurant and Pizzeria.’” “. . . established 1922.” “. . . orders to take out.” “. . . all baking done on premises.” “. . . ask about our party platters.”

A new movie is announced featuring Corona Virus as the lead star Around the world in 80 days

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg. You can’t beat a wank.

What do you call a dinosaur who just simply ruins _everything?_ Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. The reason for the crash? Left wing destroyed

Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they're used to eating nuts.

The joke that comedians tell other comedians The Aristocrats

Why are there no cats on Mars? Because Curiosity killed the cat!

The safest place to be is outdoors.... ... a few feet below the ground!

How to make your wife scream Three men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes. The Indian man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with coconut oil, we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the curtains ."

I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet I really don't know why though

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career. But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

Who knew that all it took was one bat from China... ... to completely eradicate the USA's school shooting problem!

In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative. They always think out of the box.

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore... I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out. Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags Me: What? EM: You cant go in with those old bags Me: What are you talking about? EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore Me: That doesn't make any sense. If that's the case how did your wife get in?

Did you hear about the guy who ate 15 pounds of chocolate? Yeah... his stomach was really "Belgian" by the time he finished. This is the first of a line of country-themed jokes I am working on(Belgium). Stay tuned for the next one- Canada!

Whats the meaning of ignorance, and apathy? I don't know, and i dont care.

When I caught my vegan babysitter, Mary Poppins, eating a lamb chop... When I caught my vegan babysitter, Mary Poppins, eating a lamb chop she begged me to keep it a secret. ​ What was I going to say? "Mary had a little lamb"?

‪I was passionately following my dreams.‬ They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order. ‬ ‪Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. ‬

A family were having dinner... All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says: "grandpa is going to die" Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence. The next day, the family is having dinner again, and this time, the little girl says: "Grandma is going to die" Surely enough, in the middle of the night, the phone rings to announce the passing of the mother of the father. The dad is getting nervous, and when he hears his daughter say: "My father is going to die" He shits himself and spends the night writing goodbyes to his family and friends and hugging his wife for his final moments. Then the phone rings. The dad picks it up and asks what is wrong: "Your brother died"

I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.

What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.

Cars are like A-holes You got: Clean cars Dirty cars Wet cars Slow cars Fast cars Different color cars Hot cars Cars that hold one Cars that hold two And Big cars (yeah Karen, I'm looking at you)

Chevrolet announced that they’re going to start producing ventilators in their factories. Preliminary orders for the Chevy Noviva have been strong in the U.S. but surprising weak in Latin American.

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus. After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was looking at her now. “Why would you do that!?”, the wife asked. “They announced on the news this morning the symptoms for corona virus. One of them is having no sense of taste. Just look at that guy!” Proclaimed the husband. “What are you...” the wife began to say when she noticed the guy in question was wearing crocs. She gasped and ran out of the store as fast as her legs could take her.

I Bought A Terrible Thesaurus It was terrible.

People keep telling me I wouldn't value other opinions enough. Little do they know.

This quarantine thing isn’t working out. My wife and I have become so close that I almost told her about my girlfriend.

If you are ever If you are ever lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament". Classic Mitch Hedberg

Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc you gotta help me. I keep having these dreams, one night I'm a teepee, the next night I'm a wigwam; teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! I'm going out of my mind! Doctor says, "I know what your problem is." Guy says, "What?" "You're two tents."

I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head. Tell me whyeie

Two Japanese men are driving at night. To improve their English, they choose to speak in English for the duration of their drive. Not only must they get used to English, they must get used to the differences in the car compared to cars in Japan. As they set off in the pitch dark road in the backwoods, one of them immediately speaks up. “Light, light!” “Okay, got it,” says the other man. He turns the car to the right and veers of the road, slamming into a tree.

Two interesting facts about me Fact No 1 - My penis is exactly the length of 2 Ikea pencils. Fact No 2 - I am now banned from Ikea

A man is talking with his friends "Should I make a company?" he asks them. "Da," his Russian friend Boris says. "Should it be a shoe company?" he asks. "Si," his Spanish friend Miguel says. "Should its name be an anagram of your three answers to my questions?" he asks. "Da," says Boris.

My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-) It's in the fridge.

What type of shirt does a poop like to wear? Turd-lenecks

I used to tell dad jokes He laughed.

This actually happened... My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...

An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar. They all order a pint of liquor and the Englishman notices a vase full of gold coins in the corner of the bar, he asks what its for and the bar keeper says that they can have it if they complete 3 tasks 1. Down a bottle of vodka 2. Pull out a thorn in a lions foot 3. Bang a 100 year old lady The Englishman passes out after drinking 1/3 of the vodka. The Scotsman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and runs out missing a hand. The Irishman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and stays for 10 minutes. The Irishman emerges from the room covered in blood and scratches and he asks "now where's that old lady with a thorn in her foot".

Three old women sat smoking in a park As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What are those and where can I get some?” She inquired. “Just go to the pharmacy and ask for some condoms.” They replied. A few days later the third lady finds her way to the pharmacy. “Excuse me, can I have some condoms please?” She askes the pharmacist. “Of course,” he replies. “Do you know what size you need?” The lady thinks for a moment then replies, “big enough for a camel.”

Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies? They’re still born

So the avatar was gone for 100 years and he came back That's what I call a Boomer Aang

A man walks into a bar Must’ve hurt a lot.

Three cats have a race There’s an American one named OneTwoThree, a German one name EinZweiDrei and a French one named UnDeuxTrois. They all swim across a lake. The American cat was first, the German cat was second, while the French cat was nowhere to be found. Why? Because the UnDeuxTrois quatre cinq

Godwin's law Godwin's law states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected.

My mom recently told me this amazing piece of news. Donald Trump was recently discovered to have a brain! Scientists said there are two halves of his brain discovered. In the left part, there is nothing right. And in the right part, there is nothing left.

Seen my goat? Two guys were walking through a field when they came across a big hole in the ground. One said how deep do you think this hole is? The other guy says don’t know, let’s throw a rock down there then listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom. So they threw a rock in and never heard it hit.... we need a bigger rock to hear it so they found a big rock ..... still nothing. Looking around they found a railroad tie and said surely we will here that hit bottom so they both struggled and heaved into the hole, while waiting to hear it hit bottom this goat came running up right in between them and jumped into the hole. They were freaking out when a man walked up and asked, have you seen a goat around here? They were like yeah one just ran up and jumped down that hole. The man said no that couldn’t be mine .... I had mine tied to a railroad tie

Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland? It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good.

The other day, I told my friend that part of Canada is in the arctic circle “Really?” He said. “There’s no way!” He was having Nunavut.

If being Russian means my b's are v's, Then Soviet ^(not a repost)

Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes

Mankind vs mommy nature Mankind: we will never slow down or shut down to help this climate change. Mommy nature: Here is a virus. Practice.

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino? The Ellephino - Elleph~i~no

Yo mamma so fat Thanos had to clap

What instrument does Perry the Platypus play? Tuba tuba tuba Tuba tuba tuba

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit It was a strobbery!

An old proverb Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him. "What do you want?" Benny asks. "Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get married or you'll be turned into a vase." Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what his future father-in-law believes in. As time goes on though he thinks about shaving so he'll look nice for his wedding, but he doesn't. Finally, the day of the wedding comes and he decides he HAS to shave. He does and he gets turned into a vase. Do you know the moral? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

With all the Covide 19 jokes out there. 1 to 10% will get it and die laughing.

Today is Isaac Newton's death ma

I’m not surprised children grow up depressed when adults always rip up their work But my wife wants me to tear her clothes off, so I’ll just go along with it

Why can’t people in Switzerland run very fast Because they’re plus-sized

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Wanna hear a clean joke Today I blew bubbles Wanna hear a dirty joke Bubbles is a guy

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise.. I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person. My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?” Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

What did the kid say to his mother when he saw her eating grass? Maaa~

What do you get in the winter when you bring a knife to The South Sandwich Islands? Cold cuts

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. He asked “What are you doing?” She says “I’ve had it with this life! I’m going to Vegas and let men have their way with me for $1000 a night!” Man says “Ok! I’m coming with you!” “Why?” “I want to see how you live on $2000 a year!”

How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress? She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil. Source: Heard it ages ago

What do you call Virgin Mary on her P? Bloody Mary.

NSFW What’s the difference between a blond guy and a blonde girl? The blonde girl has a higher sperm count.

Why do Irishmen wear 3 condoms To be sure, to be sure, to be sure

What was troubling the Deer leader of the Elk socialist republic? The stagnation of the Buck

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

What do you call a dog that is barking at Reddit? A subwoofer.

Hey, my name is Mike. Or as the ladies call me... Hey you over there in the bushes.

What do you call a loud dog? A woofer

Girl, are you alcohol-based? 'Cause I want you to be my hand rub.

Man, social distancing sucks. WHO thought this was a good idea

Repost Malone Optional text Malone

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 92% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Post malone Optional text malone

Did you ever think about how we're all made up of a bunch of atoms even though atoms are mostly empty space? But honestly, why does that matter?

I told my friend I had COVID-19. Me: I just got coronavirus Friend: Are you sure? Me: Yes, I'm positive.

It's not that I don't know how to juggle I just don't have the balls to do it

In ancient Timbuktu they made their houses entirely out of dung. I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall in that house.

I don’t trust streets with lots of trees on them. They seem shady.

A young boy was told to shoot people with big, bushy, mustaches. He told by his mother was to shoot them as they were seen as a threat. She gave him a compact pistol to do so. The next day, as he was walking along the street, he spotted a man with a big, bushy, mustache. The boy remembered what his mother said yesterday. He approached him, took out his gun, and shot him in the forehead, killing him. The boy, panicked and anxious, ran away to his home as fast as he could, while the victim's skull was bleeding. He had not yet told his mother of what happened as he returned home. The next day, at early morning, sirens were roaring outside the house. The boy and his mother immediately woke up. Loud knocks were sent through the door. 'Police! This family has 10 seconds to leave the premises right now, or the door will be opened by brute force.' As the policeman started counting down, the young boy reluctantly told his mother of what happened yesterday. 'I shot a man, like you told me to.' His mother feeling both proud and panicked, told him--'Quick! Hide under my skirt, I will talk to the police.' 'I'm coming out!' Said the mother, moving slowly so that her son can move along with her. As she was opening the door, the boy looked up and said -'Mommy! There is a big, bushy, mustache under here too?'. The boy immediately unsheathed his pistol and shot the entire round, killing his mother.

Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners... But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist.

Why do orphans have iPhone Xs Because it has no home button

I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket. I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" **Wife:** whatever means necessary. **Me:** No it doesn't.

My favorite Clean Joke A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man replies that he is there to apply for the job. "I don't want to be insensitive", the priest exclaims, "but I don't see how you can fulfil the requirements of the job?". The man pleads with the priest to give him a chance and the priest decides to acquiesce only to convince him that it's a waste of time. When they get to the top of the tower the priest points to the large bell and says "Well there it is!", but before he can finish the sentence the man starts running straight at it and strikes it face first. The shocked priest shouts "No!! What are you doing?", but again the man runs the length of the bell tower headfirst into the bell, which is starting to sway back and forth. the priest yells "Stop, please, no more" but the guy is already running full speed at the bell and again strikes it headfirst. By now the bell is really rocking back and forth and starting to ring. The priest pleads with the man who is now bruised and bloodied, "For the Love of God, no more", but his pleas fall on deaf ears as the guy sprints across the tower at the swinging bell. Unfortunately, he mistimes it misses the bell entirely and flies off the edge of the bell tower. The priest screams and rushes down the stairs to help the guy. When he gets to the bottom he sees a crowd of people gathered around and pushes his way thru to the bruised and battered body. Someone says "Father do you know this man?", and the priest answers"No, but his face rings a bell!"

I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales. I think the market has crashed.