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5 years ago, I went to an important job interview At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him. Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now!

You know who reddit is for Smart people who ain't pretty enough for insta

A teacher asked the class A teacher asked the class of first graders for the ones which was idiots to stand up. After a short while 1 of the students stood up, then the teacher asked him "Do you think you're an idiot?" the student then responded "No, I just felt bad that you had to stand alone"

Three prisoners are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away. The Frenchmen requests a filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away. The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?” “Yes, Strawberries.” “But they are out of season!” “I’ll wait.”

I got arrested recently. I was trying to make the cop laugh because I was stressed out man, but he wouldn't crack. I might've gotten on his nerves since he told me off. It was straight and to the point "This is not a joke"

Why does Goofy like oysters? He likes to a shuck a shuck!

What does a gay couple do in a boxing ring? They trade blows.

So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long) So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana. Well it was a strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his banana they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. A year or 2 later he somehow managed to get his job back and was driving the train again and, what do you know he crashed. But this time he killed 2 passengers. Well the trial happened he was getting the electric chair again and they strap him up again and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 2 bananas this time. they thought that it was a really strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his bananas they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. So about 5 years later he managed to get his job back yet again. He is driving again and crashed yet again. Trial happened again he was sentenced to death by the chair again. they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 3 bananas. This time the executioner yells NO BANANAS THIS TIME and turns on the machine. And what do you know the conductor lived. The executioner asks the conductor, "how do you still live?" The conductor replies "I guess I am just a bad conductor".

In life you will only meet two types of people... The ones who are smart successful n have a life.... And then there is you!

what do woman do when they want to get themselves off? they jill off

How do you call a smart person in the US? A tourist

A knight, a pilgrim and a chicken walk into a bar Unfortunately, the bartender had died of a heart attack that morning, so none of them got served! (I stole this joke from fable 3)

What do you call a genie who is paid to tell jokes? A comi-Djinn.

What's the biggest difference between Communism and Capitalism? Capitalism uses common sense Communism uses common cents

British people are like: “I’m Bri ish” ...and here’s the t☕️

Cool baby be like Imma pop deez waterz *baby drop*

What would Doug Funnie’s dogs name be if the cartoon was Swedish? Bjorkchop

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor... It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

I convinced my crush to get into a relationship in these times of desperation She got together with her crush

As a crowded airliner is about to take off As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."

R.Kelly has tested positive.. for SHEWASNT-19

What is spousal distancing? Keeping 6 inches between you and your wife.

8 bought some Harry Potter DVDs the other day They were 3 quidditch

UK has successfully made a working vaccine for the COVID-19 also known as Corona Virus that from the blood of Boris Johnson. April Fools!

On a scale of 1 to 10, how well are you feeling? Where 10 is spending a cozy vacation day at home, and 1 is witnessing the zombie outbreak starting from the front row?

I dated every woman I met Every single one of them.

Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste." She rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains that she is on her period but rides him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologies saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I'm feeling great!"

A frog goes into a bank A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Edit: Woohoo!!! My most upvoted post ever! Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there. Edit 2: Not RIP Inbox, but certainly the highest fever to date. Exceeded 600 upvoted. Thanks!!!!

How do you know these jokes are so good? They keep dying.

My wife and I got into an argument because I called her a prostitute My wife shouted: Are you kidding me? Do I have any meaning to you? What am I worth?!!? And I replied: 120 dollars an hour

I've just got back from Tesco... I've just got back from Tesco and I've seen a guy buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella’s and three sombreros and I thought to myself... ...Hispanic buying

Who is Goofy's favorite actress ? Selma Hyuck

I was going to tell a gay joke... But I couldn’t keep a straight face

Why did the girl drop her ice cream? She got hit by an 18 wheeler

The dead and buried are better at social distancing than anyone alive. They’re ALWAYS six feet away from people!

I played chess with the waiter, however won paid the bill In my final move i said, check mate.

When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them. Social diss dancing.

My son is beginning to truly understand the concept of love. He recently asked me, "Papa, do you love me"? I answered back with, "Do you want the short answer or the long answer, because the short answer is yes". My son then asked, "Well what's the long answer"? To which I replied, "Indubitably".

A drunk man sits on a bench when a woman walks by. He says: “You’re fucking ugly” She replied: “And you’re very drunk and rude” Him: “that’s possible but i’ll be sober tommorow and you’ll still be ugly”

well........ **Q: How do you weigh a millennial?** **A: In Instagrams.**

Senior Sex Senior Sex -- The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

A redditor, a 4channer and a youtube commenter walk into a bar... The redditor sits on the stool, all by himself. The 4channer immediately goes to the toilet, to dump a massive shit on the sink. The youtube commenter groans, 'couldn't you at least warn me it was diarrhea?'.

A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste According to my wardrobe I've had it for years!

Where do poor Italians live? In the spagetto

There are two types of people in this world Avoid both!

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and... All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

Guess who got 37 messages from their ex this morning.... My ex

A horse is watching the music channel, He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!" The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse. "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started." "There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse." "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time." Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken. "Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that." Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken. "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started." "There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken." "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time." Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar. Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow. "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started." "There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow." "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time." Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going. One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!" The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital. Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors. Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death. So the horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

Hi everyone just be careful out their Please Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine no situation is too pressing.

Never trust atoms They make up everything

Donald Trump was flying on a plane next to a little girl... ...Donald was bored so he asks the girl: -Do you want to talk about politics, global warming or Corona virus? The girl looks at him and say: -Okay but first I want to ask you one question. -Fine. It's probably gonna be easy. -Okay. So horse, cow and deer all eat grass, right? - asks the girl. -Yeah. -But a cow poops a flat shit, a horse poops in pieces and a deer poops in circles. Can you tell why? Donald Trump thinks very hard. He is thinking for 1 hour, for 2 hour, for 3 hours. He finaly says: -I have no idea. The girl smiles and says: -Then how do you want to talk about important things like politics or global warming, when you don't even know about a shit?

Hi, Im William and Im so grateful god gave me two eyes Without them I'd be just Wllam

How do I look in this dress With your eyes

I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances certain circumstances funny

I'm really good at sleeping SCOUT: Mom, I’m really good at sleeping. MOM: Oh, really? SCOUT: Yes. I can do it with my eyes closed.

As cinemas reopen in China millions rush to see Man and Robin

My friends told me to stop making jokes in reference to girls. Thats what she said

The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown They just don't know it though...

They say that pineapple juice makes your semen taste better. I think it’s the other way round.

This social distancing is going too far. I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs 🥚<-->🥚

Why is everyone so tired on April 1st? They just went through a grueling 31 day March.

For breakfast I covered my Dad in chocolate then ate him. I love coco pops. ^(a 'double dad' joke)

What is the worst combination of two sicknesses? Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.

Depressed Dolphin What did the dolphin say without his anti-depressants? I have no porpoise in life.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked 'Is it on or off?'

A man visits a Doctor He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus" Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in isolation" "But sir, I had kissed her" "No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation" "But then I kissed my wife too" "You crazy bitch, now I also have to go in isolation"

My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away." Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."

Jesus and Moses Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.” So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and flowing robes and they just blend in. Jesus says, “Damn Moses I don’t understand, the last time I was down here people would gather around and praise me.” Moses said, “I know me too. Watch this I’ll show them.” He walks over, grabs a frisbee And throws it out in the ocean. Walk up to the water, raises his hands and parts the water. He walks out picks up the frisbee, walks back to shore and everyone says, “ Yeah Moses.” Jesus says that’s pretty good Moses, but watch this.” He grabs the frisbee, throws it out in the ocean, takes off running across the water and just sinks. Moses walks up to water, raises his hands, parts the water, pulls Jesus up on shore, and pumps the water out of him. Jesus wakes up looks at Moses and says,”I don’t understand Moses, the last time I was down here I used to do this all the time.” Moses says, “SURE JUSES, BUT THAT’S BEFORE YOU HAD THE HOLES IN YOUR FEET.”

the grim reaper comes in with a sythe grim reaper: do you have a death wish? me:uhh yes grim reaper: me: reaper: me:

One of the students requested his teacher that he wanted to talk to him after class Teacher: - "What do you want to talk about?" Student: - "I think I'm intelligent enough and I should be in a higher class. Can you send me to a higher class?" The teacher delivered her request to the school director, and the director conducted an interview to assess the student's ability. Director: - "How much is 3 by 4?" Student: - "12". Director: - "Well, how much is 6 by 6?" Student: - "36". Director: - "Where is Japan's capital?" Student: - "Tokyo" The director questioned for about half an hour and the student made no mistake in answering once. Then he said to Teacher that if you want to ask anything you can ask. Teacher: - "Okay, so what is that thing that cows have four and I have two?" (The director looked at Teacher with surprise). Student: - "Legs!" Teacher: - "Exactly, now tell me what's in your pants and not in my pants?" (Director was shocked and embarrassed). Student: - "pocket" Teacher: - "Where do women have curly hair?" (The director is shocked). Student: - "In Africa" Teacher: - "What is the soft thing that becomes hard in the hands of women?" (The director's heartbeat stopped). Student: - "Nail polish". Teacher: - "What is between the legs of women and men?" (Director mumbles). Student: - "Knees" Teacher: - "Awesome! Now tell me what is it that a married woman has bigger than a virgin girl?" (The director's body is dead). Student: - "A Bed". Teacher: - "What is the place in my body that causes the highest moisture on the planet?" (The director looked up at the sky and started shouting to God). Student: -"Mouth" After hearing all this, the director said: I don’t deserve to be Director anymore, I am going back to Kindergarten

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

Why dont Chinese play Baseball? Because they will eat the bat

Technically we're all Jokers Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man.

A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company. They have branches everywhere these days.

I've found something a thousand times better than Instagram Instakilogram

What’s the meaning of ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

As soon as this Corona thing settles a bit I'm just gonna stay home for a few days.

Did you hear the one about the airplane? Never mind, it’s over your head.

What is Mexican's least favorite store? Walmart

Why do dogs pee in your house? Because you don't take them out enough.

I was reading a joke and realized it was really an ad. And it may be located just below or just above. at least it's original

Parrot It's a woman and it's her birthday, so she decides to go out and buy herself a parrot. She goes to a lot of stores, but she can't find one. Disappointed, she decides to go home. Finally, she sees a pet store where she hasn't been yet so she goes to see if she can find a parrot there. She goes to see the salesman and asks him if he has a parrot. "No, sorry, I don't." "But I see one at the back of your shop, it's got a bit of a strange face but well..." "It's not for sale, it'll get you in trouble." "I don't care, it's my birthday, I absolutely want one!" "Well, OK, but he grew up in a brothel, so he's a bit vulgar." So she buys the parrot and goes home. Then she gets ready to go out to celebrate her birthday with some friends and when she gets to the front door, the parrot starts talking. "Hey bitch! You're gonna get fucked tonight, aren't you? Bitch..." She doesn't pay attention to him and leaves. She comes home at 4am and the parrot says to her. "So bitch? Did you get fucked good?" She's tired, so she's going to bed. She wakes up the next day and goes to breakfast. There the parrot talks to her again. "Hey bitch! You're walking funny today, you got fucked really good last night, didn't you? Fucking slut..." She finally gets mad and goes back to the store where she bought the parrot. She asks the clerk if he has a solution to calm the parrot down. "I might have something that could work. It's a special black paint, it'll shut him up." So she goes home and as usual the parrot greets her. "Hey bitch!" She takes the paint and paints it black. Then he says nothing more. After a week without him saying anything she goes to him and says. "Well, asshole? You don't talk now, do you?" "When I'm in a tuxedo, I don't talk to bitches."

KNOCK KNOCK Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

What d'you call a slightly damp rabbi at breakfast? morning dew

Engineers take a bow! During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation offered its employees a huge reward to come up with diagnoses. To the surprise of the top engineers, old Jenkins the janitor meekly said he had an idea. Well, desperation breeds opportunities, so they asked him to explain. In reply he merely requested a power drill, and when supplied one he climbed onto the wings of the latest prototype and proceeded to make holes a few inches apart where the wings joined the fuselage. "Now, get your test pilot to fly the fighter", Jenkins advised. Sceptical, but curious, the engineers did. Lo! The jet fighter passed with flying (pun intended) colors. No more wing snapping. Amazed, the engineers surrounded Jenkins amidst all the celebration and asked him how he had hit upon such a clever solution that evaded all the engineering brains. Here is Jenkins' response. "Ladies and gentlemen, even though I did not not have the benefit of university training like you, I am an observant chappie. You see, as janitor one of my duties is to change the toilet rolls in the loos when they run low. Now, you know how toliet paper has rows of holes separating sheets? Well, how often have you seen toilet paper actually tear along these holes?"

How do you grab the attention of a pervert? An NSFW tag

I feel famous This entire subreddit is about me.

I met a famous French impressionist once but I can't remember who it was. He must have not made much of an impression.

Why can't China play baseball? Because they will eat the Bat.

There is this girl who is really into anime that I asked out... Upon seeing her, she took my breath away. I couldn't even close my mouth. Then she said: "Sowwy, I have cowona viwus". Then I fucking died.

In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iran. The principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job.

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume. What a silly old bugger.

Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"? I thought they liked t.

It was never my intention to be a porn star Something just came over me.

The Logician Husband A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."

The titanic was a good cruise ship and all... But it's luxury only scratched the tip of the iceberg I don't need upvotes I need a thank you

2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat. They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter. Smoker 1: What are we gonna do? Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.” Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea. The boat is now a cigarette lighter.