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Screw you grandpa “You can’t go outside anymore, grandpa, you’ll scare people,” I said “ it’s too risky.” “I know that anon, we all need to do our part to stop corona.” He replied “Yes” I thought smugly, “also that.”

If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it.

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks. One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?” “I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to tell you is a secret, so you mustn’t share this with anyone. Not a SOUL. Don’t tell your father, don’t tell the tortoise down the street, nobody. Do you understand?” “Yes,” said the chick. “Well, your brother, he’s adapted.”

What do you call two ants who have a baby together? Pair ants

A scared builder is the best builder 'Cuz he be shitting bricks.

I hope that someone will invent a shrinking device during the lockout Because my liver will definitely need one when it’s over.

When watching movies... I tend to hold my breath to see how long I can go while the hero is underwater.. I almost died during “Finding Nemo”.

What do you call a group of Jewish rabbits? Rabbi

Went to the store for toilet paper The isle was wiped

I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Surprising horse A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside. They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to buy it, along with with a wide array of farm animals. A few months later, when they are settled in, they decide to invite the local vicar and his wife around for Sunday lunch in an effort to get to know their neighbours. Before the meal, John, Sarah, the vicar and his wife were sitting around the kitchen table talking, when the door suddenly flew open and in rushed Jimmy shouting "mum, dad, the bull is f**cking the cow!" John and Sarah were horrified and embarrassed that their guests should hear such coarse language. They both apologised profusely to the vicar and his wife and asked if lunch could be postponed to the following Sunday. Meanwhile, John and Sarah took Jimmy to one side and said, "Jimmy, it would have been so much better if you had told us that the bull was 'surprising' the cow instead of using the word you did". Next Sunday, just as before, the couple, as well as the vicar and his wife were sitting chatting before lunch, when again the door burst suddenly open and in rushed Jimmy breathlessly announcing "mum, dad, the bull is surprising all the cows", "He can't be surprising all the cows" said his mother, "He is mum" said Jimmy," He's f**cking the horse!". (Not my joke; copypasta from elsewhere)

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down"

Why do anti-masker kids never say mom or dad? Because they are orphaned.

Religion in a nutshell. A ship, sailing past a small island spots a man who'd been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices 3 huts. "What's the first hut?" He asks. "Oh, that's my home." The man answers. "What's the second hut?" The captain asks. "Oh, that's my church." The man answers. "Well, what's the third hut?" The captain asks. “Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway disdainfully. “That’s the church I used to go to.”

Chinese medicine The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem. His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him. He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine. "So simple," the sage said. "Rule of nine. Make move nine times, then change. Plant jade stalk in flowering lotus hard and fast, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. Then pause for count of nine. Then do oh-so-slow for nine. Than pause . Then change position from on top to on side. Same. Than change from on side to like doggies. Then same. Keep up for 90 minutes. Do this, she go wild for you." The Brit paid the sage, went home, and tried it. As promised, his wife went wild. At the end she rolled over, sweaty, limp, and half conscious, and asked her adoring husband "Herbert, that was fantastic. How EVER did you learn to fuck like a Chinaman?"

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people

What do you call somebody with nobody and no nose. Nobody nose.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

Social distancing isn't hard... Just ask my dad... Have you seen him?

What do you call an older woman that dislikes the idea of monogamy? Polyester.

I tried to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused. They said, “If your tent gets blown off, you’re no longer covered.”

Trying new things, decided to try to smoke a fish this weekend... Just couldn't figure out which end to light!

Don't Lie to Your Mom **Could have been posted before**, however here it goes... ​ Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote : \---------------------- *Dear Mother:* *I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.* *Love, Kumar* \---------------------- Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which reads : \---------------------- *Dear Son:* *I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow.* *Love, Mom.*

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid Until they see the gun anyway

Did you hear about the amputated pirate who sailed the seas alone He single handedly defeated entire ships!

Order 66 forced many Jedi to find new jobs in hiding. I hear one working the streets is Obi-Wan Can-blow-me

Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub. [NSFW]

Animal joke A snail and a goat fall in love and the goat says : i love you honey , you are the best ... And the snail says: you just want to live in my house

money is not the most important thing in the world Love is. fortunately, i love money.

The British Minister for Agriculture was entertaining a leading American agronomist. Looking over the production figures from the USA, the Minister was moved to comment: "Your tomato harvest is immense. What on earth do you do with so many tomatos?". The American smiled broadly and answered "Well, sir, we eat what we can, and what we can't eat, we can!". The Minister laughed along and said "Oh, very witty, I must tell the Prime Minister when I see him." So later that day, at a meeting of the Cabinet, the Minister remarked, "You know, sir, I was talking to this American chappie about the fearful amount of tomatoes they grow, and you'll never guess what he said. He said they eat as much as they are able, and whatever is left over, they put up in tins!"

Latest newspaper headline: Kids make great snacks for teachers!

Do you know why keyboard never sleeps? Because they have 2 shifts.

My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday Until she pasta-way

Still in disbelief over this covid19 situation ... Want to rub my eyes and wake up, but afraid to touch my face.

The lying lion A rat and lion walked into a bar. The lion says that he is the king of the jungle. The rat says,”your lyin’” then the lion replies, did you forget, I am Lion!

As of today, I am cancer free!!! (I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)

Why did everyone stare at the rich guys plane? It was a Leerjet

Why isn't there a lot of coronavirus jokes on this sub? They are all locked down on quaratine.

An alien visit...long So a couple was playing cards one night when a spaceship landed in their yard. The aliens ended up knocking on the door so the humans let them inside. The aliens explained they were just visiting earth to see how an average earthly couple lived. They began playing cards and drinking, having a good time. Well the two ladies excused themselves to the restroom. The men started talking and decided to swap partners to see what it was like. After talking with the women they retired to separate bedrooms. The earth lady and alien man were together as he undressed. She start laughing saying it will never work because it’s too small, the alien says no problem just twist my left ear and it gets as long as you want, she said that great but still too thin, he says just twist on the other ear and it gets as thick as you want. So they have sex everything is great. The next day the aliens leave and the earth male asks his wife how it was, she says it was awesome! She asks how was yours? He say it was ok but that bitch almost twisted my ears off!!!

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.” The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?” The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that risk.”

What's the difference between Carol Baskins and the Chinese? Carol Baskins feeds PEOPLE to CATS.

What is the German term for food shortages? Wurst Käse Scenario.

What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic? Rush hour

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust Herpilations 4:20

The golden rule of having sex with twins You can't come between them

Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries? Same with the Virgin Islands. No canaries.

There are three types of people in this world The people who can count And the people who can’t

If you are looking for alphabet jokes, the joke is on U.

do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners? they did it in con-descending order

Joke in poor taste? Toned, tan, fit and ready. We're staying in because covid19 is getting heavy.

Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac They always take things literally

The guilt from stealing and eating a whole peach is getting to me It's like theres a pit in my stomach

What’s the difference between pimping and public school? Pimping ain’t easy.

I hate people that say age is just a number Age is clearly a word

What did the unfussy galley slave say? Either or.

What do you call a 6-sided die on which all of the sides are either marked 0 or 1? A boolean cube.

The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to Twenty-Thir TEEN Twenty-Four TEEN Twenty-Fif TEEN Twenty-Six TEEN Twenty-Seven TEEN Twenty-Eight TEEN Twenty-Nine TEEN Quar-an TEEN

Self development man: u're a unit of power I'm a watt?

The police doesn't even care that I carry a corpse in my car That's the funny thing about being a hearse driver

Santa Claus came early this year. I didn't even climax yet.

A child asked his dad," how are coins made". The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".

What’s a kiss after a blowjob? Cash back

Blind man and a pigeon So a blind man is walking down a street and a pigeon spots him. The pigeon says to himself "Ima get him gooooood". So, the pigeon prepares himself, and dives head first down to the blind man and drops his s*#t. The blind man just does swish, swoosh, and avoids shat. Now, this irritated the pigeon but he doesn't think much of it. He prepared another 'batch' and of he dives again. Releases the s*&t and the blind man, again, swoosh swish, avoids the poop. Now this really riles up the pigeon. He told himself he needs to go all out and calls his pigeon friends. And he really does. Thousands upon thousands pigeons flying in a carpet formation and letting they're s=@t go on that poor blind man. The blind man, once again does just swish swish, swoosh swoosh and manages to avoid all the unholy substance. Moral of the story: Blind people can see shit!

Before Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

"Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?" "Because your mom loves Roses." "Thanks Dad." "No problem, John."

Everyone is complaining about bailing out the airlines, I think it was a great idea! How else are we gonna get to all these funerals we’re about to have?

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes, all the others were at least sevens or eights.

What did the boss say to the chemist when a problem arised? Well, if you don't have a solution, be ready for a suspension.

Why isn't Baseball a great sport in China? \-they keep on eating the bats

Despite ruling with an iron fist, Castro was a sub in the bedroom. Not many know this, but the communist dictator of Cuba had a secret gay lover. Unlike Castro, this boyfriend was outspokenly atheist. Fucking infidel.

" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

A guy walks into a bar at 4:30 one afternoon. He's enjoying his drink and talking with the bartender. At 4:57 the bartender looks at the clock and says, "Damn. I lost track of the time, I gotta get busy." The bartender quickly makes a drink and sets it on the bar. Precisely at 5:00 pm, a well-dressed man walks into the bar, grabs the drink and gulps it down. He leaves a $10 bill on the bar and exits without saying a word. The guy who came in at 4:30 looks at the bartender and asks, "What the hell was that all about?" The bartender explained, "He's a surgeon, and he comes in every day at 5:00 pm, after his work is through. He always orders an almond daiquiri, and leaves me a nice tip. He's done this for so long, I know what to expect. And he's a buys man, so I don't want to keep him waiting. I make sure his drink is ready before he comes in." The guy seemed impressed by the bartender's efficiency. He came back the next few days at 4:30, and watched as the bartender made an almond daiquiri for the surgeon. And every day, the surgeon came in precisely at 5:00 pm, drank the daiquiri, and left without saying a word. One afternoon, the bartender started to make the drink, but realized he was out of almonds. "What am I going to do?" he asked himself as he searched throughout the bar for almonds. He found some hickory nuts, and figured that the surgeon wouldn't notice the difference. So, he mixed up the drink with the hickory nuts, and placed in at the end of the bar. Sure enough, at 5:00 pm, the surgeon walked into the bar and picked up his drink. With one sip, he knew something was amiss and he said, "What's going on? This isn't my usual drink." The bartender said, "Well, that's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

April showers bring May flowers. What do Mayflowers bring? Smallpox.

What notes does a perverts doorbell play? A, C and E

My Wife is missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... ​ Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? ​ Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. ​ Sergeant: Weight? ​ Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. ​ Sergeant: Colour of eyes? ​ Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. ​ Sergeant: Colour of hair? ​ Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. ​ Sergeant: What was she wearing? ​ Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. ​ Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? ​ Husband: She went in my Audi ​ Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? ​ Husband: (sobbing) Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter ​ (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) ​ Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi

Experts say that N95 respirators won't protect you from contracting the corona virus... ...they only mask the symptoms.

What did the water particle say to the other water particle as it floated off into the air? You’ll be mist.

A man with a COVID-19 walks into the bar ...and is told to leave. [edit]: I'm gonna go offline for 14 days for hating myself.

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today So the death row inmates were left hanging.

How do you intrigue an idiot? Just like this.

I hate bikes without kickstands I can’t stand them!

What would people say if two social media sites had sex? Reddit, do your thing.

What do you get when you cross a golfer and a plumber? A putt crack.

I got sent to a diversity workshop, when asked what diversity meant to me I replied, to me diversity means a lot of different things

I just told my best mate how much i love Beyonce. She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

a blind man walks into a restaurant A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”

You know, I don't get this Coronavirus... Must be an inside joke.

How do you know when its time for bed in Jeffrey Epstine house? When the big hand touches the little hand.

What's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? One week.

i prefer decimals over fractions fractions are just pointless

Why Germany has not so much CoViD cases ? Because watching Angela every day helps flatten the curve.

People that celebrate April fools are... April ~~dumb people~~ idiot heads. Owned. Edit: punch line

What do programmers eat for breakfast? Nothing much, just a byte.

Or open the window If you want to BREATHE fresh air, just hang out.

Best Hookers name of 2020???? 'Le'Flatten'dHer'Curva' Shoot me later..

How do you grab the attention of a nerd? A spoiler tag.

How do you know if somebody is curious? >!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

Knock knock. Who's there? Yes, and we're here to make sure you're staying at home and washing your hands.

Coronavirus said Go Big or Go Home So I did both; went home and put on 20 pounds.

The moment Donald Trump found out that Covid 19 was caused by bats, he immediately started consulting experts. His first call was to Alex Rodriguez.