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Where's the best place to hide during a zombie apocalypse? Radio Shack. Not even the brain dead would go there.

Where do you find a quadriplegic? There where you left him.

Don't you just hate it when you are thinking, and.... You lose the game?

There were these two guys having lunch ... There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?" "How do you mean?" says the second one. "Well last week I was at the airport and I wanted to go to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the salt but instead I said 'You fucking bitch! You've ruined my life.'"

I was browsing for new jokes And then I unzipped my pants and had sex with your mother

What do you call a gay Jew? A he-blew.

I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol... But still.

What did the black Jew say to the non-believers? We Israel..

My wife left me after repeatedly spending our entire life savings on penis enlargement surgery.... She couldn't take it any longer.

Where do 4 gay guys go? One Direction

A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... "Ugh, some asshole has my pen", she thought.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor? 8)

Say what you will about that pilot... ...but at least he died doing what German's love most. Mass murdering innocent people.

Das Deutsch knock knock joke German pilots are bad at knock knock jokes. Knock, knock. *silence* Knock, knock. *CRASH* Too soon?

Ouch. I was wondering why the baseball looked like it was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Not so funny after all. Little Jimmy came home from school one day and walked into his parents bedroom, where he saw his mom and dad going at it. Without his mother seeing, Jimmy's dad gave his son a thumbs up and kept on going. The next day Jimmy's father comes home from work and walks into his son's room to see what he was up to. When he walked in he saw Jimmy had his grandmother tied to the bed and was doing unimaginable things to her..His father yelled "JIMMY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Jimmy replied....."It's not so funny when its YOUR mom, huh?

What an upset manly clock with boobs says to another manly clock with boobs who doesn't arrives in time for their homossexual dating? You man nipple lated me

My parents always said I was artistic. They were very modest, so they only ever whispered it to each other.

I got voted down So I unzipped my pants and had sex with your mother.

What do you call a painter with a mental disability? An autist.

What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke

Why is the white girl so odd? Because she can't even. I'll be over in /r/dadjokes if you need me.

Courtesy of my ECON professor Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece. On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The first man says, "You know, with all the money we spent, these fish cost us about $500 each." The second man says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore."

My butt buddy Al is gone... Anal beads back in a few minutes.

Confucius say man who farts in church sit in pew.

I have a rude joke about Canadians! Sorry?

Can you imagine a conversation with an atheist, feminist, crossfiting, vegan redditor? Neither can i...

A man received the following text from his neighbour.... I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

BAD LAWYER Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.

Did you hear about the FedEx lady who had a baby? (DAD JOKE) Supposedly she had to rush the delivery!

With Zyan Malik leaving 1D.. *zyan malik or whatever leaves 1d. *Kayne West gets in. *kicks everyone out of the band. *there's room for only 1 direction homie. *it's West.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when invited to the musician themed costume party? I'll be Bach

The Moth Joke So a moth goes into a podiatrists office. "Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?" The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease." The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?" The moth says,"Your light was on."