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Two Guys Both Lose Their Wives In A Grocery Store Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

My girlfriend is half my size but takes up... My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch.

C-sections are like the Digiorno of pregnancy..... It isn't delivery, but it still tastes like one.

How does a south central chicken cross the road? ... In a bucket

Why did the chicken kill himself To get to the other side

What's the definition of a good buddy? [NSFW] A guy that goes into town and gets two blow jobs. Then comes back and gives you one.

Why are dead baby jokes the best? Because they never get old.

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.. I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

Say what you want about North Korea, but... something something /r/Pyongyang

A man met a beautiful lady... A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

So I bought a black and white tank that changes color in the sun light... My coworker asked if it changed to blue and gold.

What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control? Grandparents.

I was walking down the street.. I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

Studies have shown... (NSFW) 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

I use a sword to argue with people. They usually get my point.

A horny sailor comes back from a year long journey at sea... and after many lonely nights, he vows to himself that the first thing he will do once he hits land is to get laid. Sure enough, as the ship comes to port, he heads to the closest brothel. Unfortunately, the last voyage was a miserable failure, and he returned with less money than he set off with! The Madame of the brothel asks him, "What'll it be, boy?" He shakes his head and says, "I have no coin to me name, but I have one coin and will take what ye have for that!" The Madame bares a queer smile and to the sailor's delight, mentions that there is one whore for that price, and ushers him into the room. He sees the whore before the lights are extinguished, and is shocked! She is beautiful, and he is very excited. They get to it. He becomes worried that maybe he himself is not up to par for this whore, as she is dry and barren and he cannot derive pleasure from this lovemaking experience! "One moment, honey, I'll be right back," says the whore. She returns in a few minutes, and they get back to it. Lo and Behold! she is wet as can be and he finishes in a matter of minutes. As they are cleaning up, he gets curious, and asks the whore, "At first I thought me too ugly for ye, but then ye left and came back and it was great! What did ye do?" Without hesitation, the whore replies, "Oh, it was nothing. I simply picked the scabs."

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna. ... What about the pot of glue? I knew you'd get stuck.

What do you call a detective novel about eskimos? Whodinuit

Laugh jokes I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P. "GEORGE WILLBORN . CAUGHT UP IN TROUBLE" It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright? " JAMES HANNAH !SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T DO " I think if you go to jail for something you didn't do, you should get credit towards another crime. LAW SCHOOL FOR NUNS What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam? A sister-in-law. SINGLED-CELLED LAWYER What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba? One wears a tie. CORPORATE BOOTY CALL... MAIL SLOT I may have dropped something; I need to feel around in your mail slot. BLONDE'S STARTING SALARY A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" She replies, "In three months." MICROSOFT AND A HALTER TOP What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support! BURRIED 10 FEET UNDER Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground? Because deep down, they're really not that bad! LAWYERS STINKIN' UP THE PLACE Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral? There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Do you guys like Civil War jokes? Because General Lee I don't find them funny.

Want to here a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

Bill gates gets duped Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

Games of thrones has more __ than a __ Incest, Redneck wedding Fill in the blanks with your best joke!

Hold that ugly baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

An older prison inmate sees a new inmate on his first day in prison The older prisoner sees the new guy is very upset so he decides to cheer him up. Older: You know it's not so bad in prison. For instance do you like movies? Younger: Yeah, I like movies. Older: Then your gonna love Mondays. Every Monday they show old classic movies. They even have popcorn. Do you like Baseball? Younger: Yeah I LOVE baseball. Older: Then your gonna love Tuesdays. Every Tuesday we play baseball out in the yard. The guards against the prisoners. Younger: Wow, maybe prison isn't so bad. Older: One more question. Are you a homosexual? Younger: No, I am not. Older: Then you're gonna hate Wednesdays!

How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down.

fuck homosexuals... ...in the ass, only if both of the people involved agree to do it consciously and consensually

Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? NO

New Girlfriend (28) (*pensively*): Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Jenny, because I just added the song "Jenny Was a Friend of mine" to my favourites playlist. (*lightheartedly*): I mean, I don't even particularly like that song. [**Laugh here**]

What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident? A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. EDIT: Spelled "Tyrannosaurus" incorrectly.

What do fat girls and scooters have in common? They're both fun to ride.....until your friends see you.

The local pedophile claims he got a perfect score on his SAT back in the day. Said it was as easy as giving candy to a baby.

Why was kleenex dancing? It had a little boogie in it.

Jesus throws as costume party.... Jesus throws a costume party to encourage new friends and dresses up as snake thinking it would be a funny icebreaker. Judas, dressed as a sheep, invites one of his random friends to the party who has never drank a day in his life. The new guy, dressed as a wolf, who is a loyal man and a little nervous to get the invite, asks Jesus if he has any wine to calm his nerves as he has never experienced it's soothing effects. Jesus, tossing his prop apple in the air, replies, "I have a lifetime supply of water that's probably best for you." The new guy clearly disappointed and nearly muted with nervousness manages to mutter, "No wine? I was hoping there would be something to calm my nerves." Jesus unjustly angered, quickly turns the water into wine and the new guy is gleefully amused but now even more nervous to impress everyone. Then Jesus replies, "I invested so much stock in water and never even realized people got nervous around me and my friends." The new guy drinks his liquid courage and they become fast friends. Finally, Jesus gets worried the man is getting too drunk from having no prior reality of its effects and hands him the apple to eat.

What's Justin Bieber's favorite make of car? Voltz-swaggin. I thought of this myself and I am so, so sorry.

What did the goat say to his friend after he cut his arm? I'm bleating all over the place!

I recently found out that I'm colorblind... It came out of the purple.

One time I shot a gun... And the gun died!

Why do the ghosts never win races? Because they're always dead tired. I stole this from http://imgur.com/bnb3MFL plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before.

Why did the piece of gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken.

What do asparagus and anal sex have in common? The more it's forced on you as a child, the more you dislike it as an adult.

Redimi2 - Bonita - Video Letra/Lyrics hola

What do you call a black guy who plays the piano? a pianist

My girlfriend said I was a pedophile.... I told her "that's an awful big word for a 9 year old".

Why were the absurdly dressed chickens escorted from the basketball game? Because two flagrant fouls is an automatic ejection.

What do you give a sick bird? A tweetment

What do you call someone who likes to rap about salt? NaCl-more.

Be nice to kids. Seriously, they have guns now.

Science joke What is the difference between a prisoner plotting revenge in his cell, a scientist doing physics simulation and a prostitute in famous casino? Count of Monte Cristo, Count for Monte Carlo and Cunt of Monte Carlo

Your dog may be smarter than an honor student... but when was the last time you saw a mother carrying a plastic bag in case her honor student shits in the neighbor's yard?

[Joke Request] An actress, a lesbian, and a blonde walk into a bar... Request for a a joke with that beginning. Any help is appreciated! Please and thank you! :)

Which detective investigates electrical crimes? Sherlock Ohms That's why his partner is called Wattson...

Why are vegetarians good in giving head? Because they are used to eating nuts!

Wanna translate one of my favorite Russian joke The teacher gave a task for the class: "there is 5 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoot one of them. How many birds left?". Vova raised his hand: "zero", he said, "cause the rest of them are flew away". Teacher answers: "no, the answer is 4. But I like the way you thinking". Then Vova replied: "here is another one: three woman walking on the street while eating an ice cream. One of them is biting it, second is licking, and the third both biting and licking. Which woman is married?" Teacher said: "the one that licking and biting?". Vova answered: "no, the one, that have a ring on her finger. But I like the way you thinking".

What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar Bear.

Isis has hidden bombs inside alphabet spaghettios. If they go off they could spell disaster.

My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

Why was the hipster so successful in the stock market? He invested before it was cool.

I was looking at the menu in a restaurant wondering what the "Jeremy Clarkson Special" was Then it hit me

I tried to disrupt my bio teacher today and asked her what her favorite codon was She said stop

Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side

Why was the cheesemaker lopsided? Because he only had one Stilton!

What's the most common "last words"? Allah Hu Akbar

I ran a marathon! 1 mile a day for 26 days boo ya.

What does Jeremy Clarkson have in common with Amy Winehouse? He can't do 'top gear' anymore!

What covers the outside of a dogwood tree? Bark.

Three guys are sitting in a sauna Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, "Check out my new cellphone; it's a watch!" The white guy and Asian say, "Very cool, dude." The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away naked to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still naked with paper hanging out of his butt crack. The Mexican and white guy say, "Hey, you have something hanging out of your ass." The Asian guy says, "Oh look, I'm receiving a Fax!"

How do you know if your roommate is gay? When his Dick tastes like shit

My dyslexic girlfriend tries really hard but always ends up 96ing me.

BIRD BRAINED Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag" The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!" As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head. "Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..." A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.' Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun. "Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..." After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.' Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."

What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist? 30 of them are triggered every second

Jesus walks into a motel He gives the guy at the counter 3 nails and says, "can you put me up for the night?"

Heard a strong rumour that Clarkson and Charlie Sheen are teaming up on a new show. It's called Second And a Half Gear, and is about test riding Hookers and drugs and punching the shit out of anyone that gets in their way...

BLONDE DRIVER Q: Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? A: Her blinker was on.

9/11 jokes... They're just plane wrong.

Guy gets really drunk... Next day at work, his colleague says, "Wow, looks like you had a rough night." "You don't know the half of it. I was blowing chunks all night long." "Hey, it happens to the best of us." "No, you don't understand... Chunks is my dog."

The Story of the Old, Empty Barn There was nothing in it.

Free beer for the person who can pass this test! A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

How did God get Mary pregnant? He used the holy immaculate contraception

Life is like a box of condoms... I haven't done anything with mine yet.

my dogs in jail.. for watching kitty porn

Whats the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can´t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

My mate Keith at it again. So me and my mates were discussing people in our workplace. I said, "I'm no racist but I hate the Polish. The Polish guy at my works only been there for 6 months and he's just been given a promotion ahead of me." My mate Sid said, "I'm no racist either but I hate the Japanese. Two of them were employed recently and walk around like they own the place, right set of wankers!" Then my mate Keith said, "I'm no racist but I hate the blacks" We both interrupted him and said, "That's racist mate!" and he replied, "No, that's not racist. A racist is a dislike of races and I love the 100 meter hurdles!"

How do you make Obama's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Superman was flying around Metropolis...[slightly NSFW] Superman was flying around Metropolis one day using his Supervision to stop wrongdoers. As he is flying by the beach he spies Wonder Woman sunbathing face down, completely naked. So he thinks to himself, "I'll never get another chance like this I've always wanted to Superbone her so here's what I'll do: I'll fly down there, give her some Supersauce faster than a speeding bullet, and be out of there before she knows what happened." So he proceeds to fly down to the beach, fulfills a lifelong dream, and is out of there faster than a speeding bullet. Wonder Woman immediately sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?" And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell."

Have you heard about the new breed of dog that is gaining popularity? It's called the Meth Lab.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything

What game did the Rabbi play with the Baby? PeekaJew

And the LORD said " Come forth and receive eternal life" John came fifth and received a brand new toaster

What is the worst part about going to Auschwitz? Your dreams are not the only thing going up in smokes.

What did the cat say to the correctional officer? Let MEOWWWWWOUT!!

What did the grave robber say to his gym buddy in the locker room? I'm gonna get some head tonight.

Having sex with a condom on is like picking up dog shit with a plastic bag. You can't feel shit.

What's worse than being raped by your dad's penis? Also being forced to fill his Viagra prescription.