Datasets:

Amirkid

/

jokes

like 0

Every Joke In One (spot the references) So a rabbi walks into a bar and goes "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Orange" "Orange who?" "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. The agent hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "The man peers at the dog and says, 'Not that shaggy.' For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, 'That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?' And the snake says, 'I call it orange ya glad yo' mama's so fat she ain't an elephant sitting in a Volkswagen having an audience with God trying to cross the road to knock on the door of the bar on the other side to meet the dumb blonde inlaws!' And then the man (who is really a penguin) says 'Got any grapes?' Penis." The bartender says to the rabbi "That's a terrible joke!" The rabbi is sad and before the bartender can say 'Why the long face?' the rabbi pulls out a chainsaw, coated in dead baby blood, and cuts off his left arm. The blood spurts everywhere as the bartender shrieks. "It's okay," says the rabbi, "I'm all right now."

What do catholic body builders lift? Their guilt.

You're so skiny Tom: Nah not that much. Mat: Dude you're covered in skin

What so policemen use when playing snooker? A rest.

Why is your cat at school? The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter... One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"

What's Jay-z's favorite store? Bed, bath and Beyond-cé.

How did copper wire get invented? Two jews grabbed for the same penny.

Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person? He doesn't believe in dog.

A Thai Love Story A man was lying in bed with his new Thai wife. After great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls -- something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because," she replied, "I miss mine."

Gay jokes aren't funny.. Cum on guys...

A doctor comes in with some test results... Doctor: "I've got bad news and horrible news, which one do you want first?" Patient: "The horrible news." Doctor: "You have AIDS." Patient: "Oh no, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have alzhemier's." Patient: Well, at least I don't have AIDS."

World's Greatest Grandfather A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cookies, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”. At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather." "Thanks," says the grandfather, "but *I'm* William, this little bastard's name is Kevin!"

Why'd the cookie go to the hospital? It was feeling a little crumby.

A man walks into a bar But it's atmospheric pressure so he's fine.

I can't date fat women anymore... I just found out I'm lactose intolerant. Note: I just heard this from some landscapers as I walked my dog.

Why do chickens support teenage rights? Because they are Pro-Teens

A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

What do French Business Men use to ice their cakes? Franchicing

I'm a professional click-baiter. AMA! What I did there....Did you see it?

What do you call a boxer with an upset stomach? Gaseous Clay

What did the cat say to the prison guard? Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!

You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.

Gay jokes aren't funny Come on guys

So I want to write a letter to a deer... I just don't know how to start it off!

Remember it's ok to blow your nose and then wipe your butt… But don't wipe your butt then blow your nose, unless you're a brown noser.

What race of horses is the most popular on Pandora? Neightiri.

I'm having a hard time deciding which pillow I should buy. I'm going to sleep on it.

What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways? He died on the cross!

My girlfriend was on her. So I put it in her:

I'm glad I know sign language because it's pretty handy

I was looking for a subtle way to describe my penis... ...and then I went to /r/minimalism...

I had to take my horse to get surgery last week The doctor told me he's in stable condition

The best way to a man's heart.. ...is between his fourth and fifth rib.

Did you hear about the man..... Did you hear about the man who jumped out of a plane at 40,00 feet without a parachute and survived..... .....until he hit the ground

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner... ...but he doesn't tell his kids what kind of meat it is. He decides to make them work for it and gives them the clue "Your mum sometimes calls me this instead of my name". The young girl pushes it away, "Ew! I'm not eating asshole, Dad!"

Nookie Green A man enters the confessional and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month". The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

Hobo paint job A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

The old lady had been giving blood.. ... as she did every month. On the way out, she came past a long line of men in front of a door, and asked the last man what they were in line for? The man replayed "This is the sperm bank, i go here once a month and get 100$ for each donation." The old lady thought this was unfair : Here she gave a pint of blood and only got coffee and chocolate, while the men gave only a small splash and got a 100$. So she left the scene reasonably bitter. After a while the last man in the queue looked backward, and there stood the old lady. The guy said “Old lady, this is the queue to the sperm bank: Are you sure you`ve gone right?” The old lady replied “Mmmmmhhhhh…”

What did the dolphin say when he ran into the sea turtle? "Sorry, I didn't do it on porpoise."

Is your name Gravity ? Cause you're attractive.

Today i got this text message from my neighbour I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man(Bob), anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, and has a long drawn out fight with his wife about her infidelity. A few moments later, a second text came in: Correction: I meant "wifi", not "wife".

What is a ninjas favorite drink? Wataa and fruit punch! I'll see myself out.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet.

What do you call a mexican fighting a priest... Alien Vs Predator

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8, 9/11 was an inside job

Two guys are sitting next to each other at a bar on the top of the empire state building. As they're talking one mentions that because of the way the winds wrap around the building if you jump off from the balcony on the east side you'll be pushed back into that open window on the tenth story. The other claims he's full of it. So the first guy gets off his stool, walks to the edge and jumps. Sure enough to the second ones astonishment he goes all the way down to the tenth story and in the window. A few minutes later the 1st man gets off the elevator and sits back down. "That was luck" says the second man! "Nope, works every time. Watch" He gets up off his stool and does it again. Sure enough he reaches the 10th story and goes in the window. After he steps off the elevator and sits down the 2nd man says to him. "That's amazing, I've got to try it!" So the second man leaps from the balcony and falls all the way to his death. The bartender looks at the first man and says "You really are an asshole when you drink Superman."

I gave a homeless guy some cheese today. I feel gouda 'bout it.

A deaf couple discussed "signals" for when either wants sex in the dark The couple layed down the signals for when either wants to have sex when they were in bed with the lights off. The wife signs to the husband "If you want to have sex, cup my left breast, but if you don't want sex, just hug me around the middle" The husband then signs "If you want to have sex, just tug once on my penis, but if you don't want to have sex, just tug on my penis 100 times"

What did the cow say to her husband when he denied pooping in the living room? That's bullshit!

Sunny, Ahmed and Will are walking to a party. But they soon realise they don't know where it is, luckily their friend Jason finds them and says he knows where the house is at. So they're walking along, with Ahmed and Will trailing behind the others. After some conversation they begin to discuss their respective religions. Will states that he is a Christian. Ahmed asks him "are you a follower of Catholicism?" Will replies "yes I am" Ahmed then states that he is a Muslim and Will asks "oh, do you follow Sunni?" Ahmed says "well yes, but he's following Jason" I'm so sorry

How do you get to Auschwitz from Berlin? You have to take the Third Reich.

Why aren't there very many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long.

I went for a walk in a cemetery this morning and saw a man crouching behind a tombstone. I said "morning" He replied "no, just taking a shit."

So there were a group of plebs online... And they DIDN'T know what they wanted. They thought they wanted biting, intellectual and ORIGINAL content. But they only celebrated the same TRASH over and over again. They just orgied in half-baked reruns of the same damn jokes. It was disgusting and wretched. It was sick. So then a hero, another_trope, came and posted an intelligent and well thought joke, a play of words. And it was downvoted. Only once, too, because it didn't even get any views. It was a disgrace. Reddit, this hero, another_trope, is me. I posted the joke that was biting and funny. Y'all are the ones who didn't even bother to acknowledge it. so the punchline?? FUCK YOU!

Teacher With student.. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

My Grandpa has the heart of a Lion... And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

So I won Blowjob from my wife the other day. I got home from the hospital and I told my wife that I saw a live being from fictional lore. She said "You're crazy! You should give the medication to the patients, not take it yourself!" Then I bet her a blowjob that I actually saw a fictional creature in real life. She agreed. "Well I went in to check on my patient in room 604. I was reading Mr. Smiths chart when I saw his chief admission diagnosis was Leprosy. So I walked into the room and asked "How are you Mr. Smith?" Mr. Smith was playing cards on his tray table and looked up and smiled. He said "good morning, you look like a smart fellow." Being pretty sharp , or so I thought, I said "I like to think so." Mr. Smith replied well I bet you $10 you can't find the queen." as he pull a queen and 2 other random cards and placed them on the table. Being no stranger to 3 card monte I was up for it. Where could he possibly hide it? He did his little show, moving the cards around, but I never lost focus of where the queen was. I pointed to where I thought the queen was and BAM, a deuce." My wife looked at me and said, "big deal you lost $10, so?" I pulled out my dick and looked at her and replied "Yeah, but have you ever seen a real life Lepper-Con-Man?"

Where do you get a drink on Excel? ....Formula bar

I just found a joke I lost some times ago! Guess where it was! On you...

What's black and brown and red all over? A dead nigger.

When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as your butthole when you poop The same can be said for "explosive diarrhea"

A man goes to a bar A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky. As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and far from home" So he get up to leave, only to fall face-first on the floor immediately. He can't even walk. "fcknn damnit", the man wisely slurs to himself. He ends up dragging himself with his bare fucking hands all the way home. He doesn't want to wake up his wife, so he just let himself drift away in the couch when he finally arrives. The next morning, when they wake up, his wife is pissed. He is pissed too, but in a less metaphorical way. "You spent the night in the bar, didn't you, you little shit" the wife throws at him. "No, I didn't! I swear!" "Don't lie to me, dammit! The barman called, you forgot your wheelchair there!"

An old man goes to a job interview... The HR Director asks him: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?" The old man replies, "Honesty" The HR Director says, "I don't really think honesty could be considered a weakness." To which the old man says, "I don't really give a crap what you think"

Remember when you were a kid and used to blow Bubbles? Well, Bubbles is back in town and he's looking for your number.

If a faggot is a collection of sticks, what do you call a collection of faggots? One Direction.

The awkward kid in class came up to me one day and muttered, "I never believed those theories about evolution in cows being so advanced lately... ...that they are starting to resemble humans. I never suspected a thing, until I noticed our barn female cow hitting on me."

I never really understood all the rage about necrophilia Until I finally decided to sit down and crack open a cold one!

How many anti-feminists does it take to screw the light bulb? Anti feminists? Nah, they can't screw

If you have a daughter, let her marry a programmer. They are men with codes.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

Why did the pedophile masturbate to Kim Kardashian? because he was blind.

So I went to a mixed religion seminar... The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!” I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me” The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!” I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me. After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen. Edit: Thanks for the upvotes 😊 If I have inadvertently upset anyone, I apologize. It was just meant as a joke intended 2 give u a chuckle.

If Microsoft releases a car... If Microsoft releases a car called Win10 . The same car would fit all size of drivers, from ants to Whales.

The War on Terrorism.... ....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans.

The CIA was looking for new operatives For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman. So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task: "As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous situations and you need to have a clear focus, a mind free of any distractions and be willing to do whatever it takes to finish your assignments. To prove that you are able to do this you need to show us that you are willing to sever your ties with the past and follow even the most disturbing commands. Behind this door you will find your fiancee tied to a chair and a gun. We need you to go in there and shoot her to prove that you are determined to become an operative." The guy swallows hard and steps through the door. For a few moments there is silence, then the committee hears a muffled conversation and a lot of weeping. After a few minutes the man comes out of the room, head hanging, eyes red from crying and says "I'm sorry, I can't do this, this is too much for me." The second man steps infront of the committee, same task (it's his wife), he enters the room, silence, arguing, pleading, weeping, guy comes out, "I can't do this, I love my wife, I am so sorry." Finally the woman enters, same task, it's her boyfriend, she enters the room. Silence, crying, pleading and suddenly loud commotion. After a few minutes the noise stops and the woman comes back out through the door, out of breath, sprayed in blood and saying "What the fuck, there were only blanks in that gun, so I had to beat the fucker to death with the chair." PS:English is not my first language, feel free to correct my spelling/grammar.

Why do meth heads like to do it doggy style? So they can both peek out the blinds.

What did the buffalo say when dropping off his son at college? Bison.

The Minister looked at me and shook his head... The Minister looked at me and shook his head. "Don't blame me," I said, "You're the one who told me to share my happiest memories of Kate. 'It's what people do at funerals' you said." "Yes I did," he replied, "but never in a million years did I expect you to regale the congregation with the 'first anal' story!"

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady.. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store? Baghdad

I'll tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it. (yeah yeah the joke is old, so am I)

Cat Race So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex Trois, and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel. The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning. Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling.. A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states; "Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time." "Am I pregnant? That is wonderful news." "No, you have bowel cancer."

A lawyer asked the defendant in a court room: "Objection, your honour! My question was, did you or did you not wanted to incinerate the victim for sleeping with your wife???" "Just answer my question!" "Yes, but, at a certain degree...."

I was told I could view the eclipse through a colander. I think I strained my eyes

An Indian man on his death bed.. An Indian man on his death bed. "Sanjita, my wife, are you here?" "Yes, my husband." "My son and daughter, are you here?" "Yes, Papa." "Then who's in the fucking shop?"

Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster... Just made it a bit sluggish.

Who Says Men Don't Remember A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

Want to know how the Cold War was ended? It was with Robotussin and space heaters.

What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

Man Offers To Do Anything She Wants For $20 A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome man enters. He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"

The Hippie Joke Thread. Please add to my collection. Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man. How do you starve a hippie? Hide the drug money under the soap. What did the Dead Head say when he ran out of weed? Man, this music sucks. What's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint? The joint won't make it all the way around the circle. What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common? They both shower and change pads after 3 periods. ____________ So, I was driving to a Phish show, and I see this hippie on the side of the road walking with one shoe on. He looks like he has been walking for a very long time. I call out to him - "Hey man, you lost a shoe!" He responds - "Nah, man, I found a shoe!"

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds.. A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

How does Moses get his coffee? He buys it from Starbucks...

Barbershop A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Said to a cashier the other day... So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?" I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage... The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge -thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants." The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slaps her.