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Stewart Lee: Content Provider (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-content-provider-transcript/

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour. FLOORBOARDS CREAK Well, Stewart, hello. I think I’d like to start off by asking… ..how you see yourself at this late juncture of your career? I mean, what is it that you exactly think you’re doing? I don’t know, and it’s not something that I feel is good enough to be broadcast. I want to stop this now, but there’s always just enough of an inducement to carry on and there doesn’t seem to be any way of bringing it to a close. The series was cancelled. I was told by BBC Two Comedy that they didn’t want any more. Then another bloke sort of intervened and said, “Oh, maybe you should…” MUSIC DROWNS HIM OUT People of Southend, Essex, it’s time now to endure the stand-up comedy of the comedian, Stewart Lee! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC STOPS Thank you for coming. Right. Let’s crack on and tell you what’s happening. So, there’s a number of problems with this show. The main one, right, is that I, OK… I started writing this about 18 months ago, OK? And the idea was it was going to be two hours on the notion of the individual in a digitised free-market economy. OK? And I was going to base it all around this painting, which is Caspar David Friedrich’s 1818 German romantic masterpiece Wanderer Above A Sea Of Fog. Now, hopefully you’ve all had the e-mails, and you’ve done the reading you’ll need to have done. LAUGHTER Then I did about a month’s work on that and then the Brexit vote happened, right, and there seemed to an assumption everywhere that I should have written some jokes about Brexit. Now, I haven’t written any jokes about Brexit, cos I was trying to write a show that I could keep on the road for 18 months and as I didn’t know how Brexit was going to pan out, I didn’t write any jokes about it in case I couldn’t use them in the show and monetise the work I’ve done, right? So, I haven’t written any jokes about Brexit, cos I didn’t see the point of committing to a course of action for which there’s no logical or financial justification. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That’s right, clap the things you agree with! LAUGHTER Clap, clap, clap! Agree, agree, agree! “Did you see Stewart Lee in Southend?” “Yeah.” “Was it funny?” “No, but I agreed the fuck out of it.” LAUGHTER “It’s almost as if it were targeted at my exact social demographic, “in a cynical attempt to maintain a future-proof audience for long-term “mortgage repayment purposes.” Can it be, Southend, that the future of Britain, Europe, Southend, the world, has been altered forever as a result, it would appear, of the ongoing competitive rivalry of a small group of competitive posh men, right? It looks like that’s what’s happened. When he was a student, David Cameron put his penis into a dead pig’s face, didn’t he? LAUGHTER And then to outdo him, to do something even more bizarre and obscene, Michael Gove put his penis into a Daily Mail journalist. LAUGHTER Imagine doing that! Euuurgh! Euuuuuurgh! EUGH! Caustic wit, that, like Toby Young. You like it? LAUGHTER And then to outdo him, to do something even more sick-making and wrong, Boris Johnson put himself into the role of Foreign Secretary. LAUGHTER And if you think it’s funny that Boris Johnson is Foreign Secretary, and it is, arguably, I guarantee you he’s going to be Prime Minister at some point. Theresa May has been put in place, it’s now clear, by the steering committee as a sort of palate cleanser. Isn’t she? Kind of a… LAUGHTER ..a nasty-tasting mouthwash that you swill around your gums before being forced to eat actual human shit. LAUGHTER A lot of casualties, weren’t there, in the Brexit shake-up? A lot of people, you know, Michael Gove and Sarah Vine, they sort of disappeared initially but they’re back now, aren’t they? Michael Gove and Sarah Vine. And they’re currently trying to reinvent themselves as the amusing celebrity political couple for young millennials so jaded they no longer find Neil and Christine Hamilton quite sickening enough. LAUGHTER Michael Gove and Sarah Vine are the Neil and Christine Hamilton for the Two Girls One Cup generation. LAUGHTER AND GROANING HE SNORTS Yeah, well… That’s a shame. So… LAUGHTER OK, here’s what’s happened, right? This is two nights in Southend and, right, I am aware Southend’s not really my target sort of town, but this was at a nice Victorian theatre, the theatre… The theatre was available. And… LAUGHTER Well, it’s just that’s normally the first big laugh of the night, that… ..joke there. With the… LAUGHTER But we’ve got a lot of people here. You’ve got the sort of target audience here, sort of comedy fans and people that know about, about the politics and stuff. And then it’s… I’ve put on too many dates in Southend, basically, there’s no… LAUGHTER Look at these people, this isn’t my crowd, is it? Look at that, Essex. Essex filth. People that have… LAUGHTER Market traders on the run from London, aren’t they? LAUGHTER Lost their nerve and come to live in the white supremacist theme park… LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Should have been a bigger laugh, that, honestly, that Michael Gove joke, it’s a… LAUGHTER It’s a good joke. So, h… W… Have people brought friends with them? Cos that often makes it go worse, if people… LAUGHTER I know what’s happened, people that used to come and see me in the little cellar at the Pavilion like 30 years ago, you’ve gone, “Oh, he’ll never fill the Palace Theatre Southend for two nights. “Let’s help him out and we’ll buy four tickets, “and we’ll bring Alan and Claire,” and they’re… LAUGHTER They’re sitting next to you, your mates, nudging you and going, “Is this him, is this the main one? LAUGHTER “Is it just this all night? “Just a man complaining about things?” Yes, it is, until at least ten o’clock. LAUGHTER Don’t bring your friends because it’s filled it up with the wrong people, hasn’t it? LAUGHTER So, this perfectly serviceable stuff is floundering. LAUGHTER It’s not help… I don’t need your help to fill up. This is all sold out. LAUGHTER If you’re going, “No, it isn’t, Stew, there’s two there “for starters,” right, they’re… All the seats are sold, right? Everything’s sold. What’s happened to me in the last few years, and I don’t really understand why, right, but I’ve become popular enough that the ticket touts buy these seats, Stub Hub and that, and they try and resell them online. But I’m not popular enough for anyone in Southend to pay six times over the odds… LAUGHTER Don’t imagine that disheartens me, those empty seats. Someone’s bought them, right? So, I’ve got the money. It’s fine. LAUGHTER It’s actually better cos it means I’ve got the money but there isn’t one of your stupid friends sitting in them going, “What are these nouns, how do words work?” You know… LAUGHTER That’s my dream – an entirely sold out empty room. LAUGHTER Which would eliminate the main problem with all my work, which is the public’s ongoing inability to recognise its genius. It’s… LAUGHTER This is a very difficult time in history to do stand-up and I would appreciate your blanket support, to be honest. It’s very… It’s very… Look, I went back on the road in September, I did a week in Oxford, right? That’s Remain. Then I did Doncaster. That’s Leave. Then I did Glasgow, Remain. Dartford, Leave. This is about 60-40 in favour of Leave, wasn’t it? And the Remain-voting cities, now, they loom out of the map, don’t they? Like fantasy citadels in a Tolkien-esque landscape. LAUGHTER Wondrous walled cities full of wizards and poets… LAUGHTER ..and people who could understand data. LAUGHTER In the middle of a vast, swampy fen, with, “Here there be trolls” written over it. LAUGHTER Yeah, down here, laughter up there. People going, hang on… “Trolls, Stew? “That’s not a very fair way, you know… “We are in Leave-voting Southend-on-Sea. “Trolls, that’s not a very fair way to describe the English and Welsh “majority that exercised their democratic right to vote “to leave the EU.” And it isn’t, to be fair. You know, and I think, look, we’re going to leave the EU. That is happening. And I think people have got to put their differences behind them now and try and make it work. And I don’t know if you can make massive generalisations about people that voted to leave Europe anyway because people voted to leave Europe for all sorts of different reasons, you know, and it wasn’t just racists that voted to leave Europe. LAUGHTER Cunts did as well, didn’t they? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Stupid fucking cunts. LAUGHTER Racists… LAUGHTER ..and cunts… LAUGHTER NASALLY: ..and people with legitimate anxieties about ever-closer political ties to Europe. LAUGHTER “Dear Palace Theatre Southend… LAUGHTER “..please inform the comedian, and I use that word advisedly…” LAUGHTER “..Stewart Lee, who I had the misfortune of being taken along “to see by friends last night…” LAUGHTER “..that I actually voted to leave Europe, “and I am neither a racist nor a cunt…” LAUGHTER “..merely someone with genuine anxieties “about ever-closer political ties to Europe. “Yours, A Cunt.” LAUGHTER “Burnham-on-Crouch.” LAUGHTER That’s where they live, isn’t it? Burnham-on-Crouch. You know what? I don’t know anything about Burnham-on-Crouch. I just drove through it, I thought, “That’ll do for that joke.” LAUGHTER It’s the first time it’s got a laugh. LAUGHTER So… Yes, welcome to the music hall. So… No, but it’s difficult. You can’t make massive… To be fair, you can’t make massive generalisations about people that voted to leave Europe. People did vote to leave Europe for all sorts of different… They did, don’t snigger away down there! They voted for all… You know, not everyone that voted to leave Europe wanted to see Britain immediately descend into being an unaccountable single party state, exploiting people’s worst prejudices to maintain power indefinitely. Some people just wanted bendy bananas, didn’t they? “Aw, no! “I only wanted bendy bananas… “and now there’s this chaotic inferno of hate.” “Ah well, never mind. “At least the bananas are all bendy again, aren’t they? “Like they always fucking were.” A lot of people voted to leave Europe as a protest vote, which, I understand that, I sympathise with it. If you spend your life driving around the country, like me, you can see the disparity that would drive that. My best friend of 35 years, Ian, actually voted to leave Europe as a protest vote. But I believe it was I who wrote… GENTLE LAUGHTER Still these people doing the work, isn’t it? Down here, there’s a… LAUGHTER There’s a big laugh there that was missed, right, and I’m filming this, and I would appreciate… LAUGHTER OK, where… What… Where the… Do you know what? I’m going to try. I’m going to try and sort this out now, for the filming, so… Where the laugh should have been there, right, is when I went… SMALL GROUP LAUGHS I know you know, it’s… LAUGHTER “I know, sir!” LAUGHTER The kind of people that like me, innit? MAN LAUGHS Yeah, you. LAUGHTER Cackling sycophants. LAUGHTER The people that are with him hate him, because he goes to them, “Have you not heard of Stewart Lee? He’s amazing, I can’t believe it. “Probably the best comedian… “No, he’s not been on Live At The Apollo, obviously. “You know, I think when you’ve seen him, “you can’t really watch other comedians. “It’s more like art, really.” Yeah. The kind of people that like me, innit? Wankers, basically. But, you know, without them, that was… OK, the laugh there should have been when I said… “I believe it was I who wrote,” right? What they’re laughing at down there, they’re going, “Oh, yeah, he’s parodying the idea,” the perception of myself as a sort of patronising elitist who would quote his own work as a… But, you know, you’re just going, “What an arrogant man,” aren’t you? Up there, so it’s not… But anyway, try and listen in and close the gaps up because we need to… LAUGHTER So, I believe it was I who wrote… LAUGHTER I don’t accept the second laugh. I only take the first one, so… It was me, it was in the Observer, it was a very clever piece. David Mitchell’s ill a lot, isn’t he? So… I wrote, “Voting to leave Europe as a protest vote “is a bit like shitting your hotel bed as a protest against bad service “and then realising you now have to sleep in a shitted bed.” And my friend Ian, my best friend, Leave voter, he said to me, “Your metaphor doesn’t make sense, Stew.” He said, “By your own admission, “the EU is institutionally flawed and freedom of movement “can lead to exploitation of the labour market, so in a way,” he said, “There was already some shit in the bed.” And I said, “Yes, Ian, but if there’s already some shit “in the bed, you don’t fix that “by doing even more shit… “..into the already shatted bed.” And my friend Ian said, “No, you move into a different bed.” And I said, “Yes, Ian, but what if that different bed, “instead of some shit, “has got Boris Johnson in it?” And my friend Ian reluctantly conceded that he would remain in the original shatted bed. Now, that joke initially appeared in the Observer, as I said, leading to a lively below-the-line online debate amongst readers as to whether the past participle of shit was shatted or shitted. Very much a key market for me, those people. The left-leaning, scatological pedant community. But the out-of-touch metropolitan liberal elites, they didn’t see that Brexit vote coming, did they? The out-of-touch, metropolitan, liberal elites. Who are the metropolitan liberal elites? Well, according to Garry Bushell, in the Daily Star, if you’re in my audience, it’s you. And never has that been less true than it is here tonight, in Southend-on-Sea… LAUGHTER AND CHEERING ..in a hive of racists. So… Who are… Who are the metropolitan liberal elite? The metropolitan liberal elite, I think, are… They’re the sort of people who preferred the Labour Party in the ’90s, when they looked like a load of coke dealers at an advertising agency… ..as opposed to now, when they look like Catweazle and his army of furious tramps. Fighting each other to the death over the last bottle of Diamond White… ..in a burning skip in a Lidl car park. I live in London, in N16, north London, which is classic out-of-touch metropolitan liberal elites’ territory. N16, north London. This is how out of touch the metropolitan liberal elite are, where I live, in north London. The weekend before the vote, the Brexit vote, a bloke I vaguely know, he sent out a tweet and he said, “Don’t worry about the Brexit vote,” he said. “I’ve just been out for brunch in a gastropub in Islington, “and absolutely no-one there’s voting to leave.” So, in a way, they had it coming, didn’t they? With their spiralisers… Yeah, the courgettes taste the same, don’t they? Whatever shape the… That tells you a lot about the room, doesn’t it? Look, down here, amongst the elite, the spiraliser jokes, they’re going, “Ah-ha!” And as we spread up there, friends of the theatre, “What is a spiraliser?” And then right at the top, some lone usher, “What’s a courgette?” The joke… The joke failing on three levels. Three levels, simultaneously. Only I can give you this, triple simultaneous joke failure, there. So… But, er, whatever your line of work, whatever your politics, you’re going to be affected by the Brexit. I am a content provider in my job, and I’ve spent the best part of three decades now travelling around the country, providing stand-up comedy content from a sort of centre-left, liberal position. I’ve done very well out of it, I’m not going to lie. But the problem I’ve got now is, how do you write a one-size-fits-all stand-up show to tour around divided Brexit Britain? It is very difficult. You know, you might have a joke Tuesday night, you’re in Harrogate, Oxford, Cambridge, Glasgow – round of applause. Next night, Lincoln – glassed in the face. By the Mayor! So, I don’t know what this show’s going to be when I finally abandon it at the end of the month. All I know is, whatever it ends up being, it will always open with the following sentence… So, my multiple British Comedy and Bafta award-winning BBC Two series got cancelled. Presumably because it was unprecedentedly critically acclaimed, whilst also being incredibly cheap to make. Although I notice there is money at the BBC for a proposed remake of Are You Being Served?. Educate, innovate, entertain. APPLAUSE Now… The weird thing, I think, about trying to remake Are You Being Served? at the moment is that the British retail industry doesn’t really exist any more, does it? The new Are You Being Served? should be set in an Amazon delivery warehouse. Mrs Slocombe stands in a massive shed off the M6… ..making incomprehensible cat-based double entendres… ..about her own vagina… ..to loads of poorly-paid and soon-to-be-deported Eastern European workers. QUIET LAUGHTER No, again, nothing from you on that? It’s a big… A big news story, that, the, uh… Actually, you know what? That used to be… All last year, that was a big laugh, that joke, but it’s sort of gone off the boil since Christmas. It’s not really your fault. It stopped working, that joke, and I was, um… I was trying to think why it was. It was good. All last year, it worked. What it is, I think, is… OK, if you think about how stand-up works, right? Basically, you either overstate a perceived truth for comic effect or you overstate a contrary position for comic effect, and all stand-up is basically those two binary positions recombined. Er… Yeah, that’s ruined it for everyone, hasn’t it? That’s bankrupted Netflix. But, um… But… So, why that was working last year was because the perception was, wasn’t it, that the Europeans weren’t being told they could stay after Brexit, and that was a sort of negotiating tool for Theresa May in Brussels. So, I’d go… “..soon-to-be-deported Eastern European workers” and the audience would go, “Ha-ha, yeah, that’s true! Ha-ha,” like that. But then… The last gig I did before Christmas was December 9th, and I did that joke in London and it sort of went off half-cocked, like tonight. And I thought, well, why is that? There’s normally some reason. So, I went home and I googled it. And what had happened that day, or the day before – and I didn’t know, but the audience obviously did – was that in Brussels, Theresa May had said that Europeans could remain after Brexit. So, I went, “Soon-to-be-deported Eastern European workers,” and some people went “Ah-ha!”, and then other people with them went, “No, she said they can stay now.” “Is that right, yeah? “Oh, it’s not funny, then.” So… That was the last gig before Christmas. The next one was January 2nd and I thought, “Maybe I should cut that line,” but I didn’t want to, cos it gets me from the joke about Amazon into another joke about charity shops, right? And it’s just a smooth… Erm… So I thought, I’ll hold on to it, see what happens, you know? And then… So, I did it again, January 2nd. And it’s a well-constructed joke, as well. I know that, cos it goes… It goes, “Na na na na na na na na, na na na na na… “soon-to-be-deported Eastern European workers.” Bang, like that. It’s got a hard… It ends on, or near, a hard consonant, which is important, as well. “Work…workers.” Bang, like that. That’s how you… If you look at Frankie Boyle or Jimmy Carr, all their jokes end on hard consonants. Bang! And that sort of triggers the laugh. With me, it’s a little bit different. I… I don’t always end on a hard consonant. Sometimes, I’ll put an extra beat in after it. And that’s why a lot of you are sitting there going, “This guy’s hilarious, but I don’t know why.” And it’s because I’m, um… The comics you go and see normally, they’re sort of in 4/4 time, but I’m like… It’s like a jazz thing, really. It could go… I know where the beat is, but I’m… It’s probably too advanced, what I’m talking about. So it’s, um… I’m not saying it’s better than them, but it’s… WHISPERS: Yeah, it is. Well, it’s… But, so… Anyway, I did it again on January 2nd, “Soon-to-be-deported Eastern European workers,” bang! And there was even less laughs than three weeks previously. So, I thought, “Well, what’s going on here?” So, I went and looked on all the news. What had happened – I didn’t know – was a few days after Theresa May had said the Europeans could stay after Brexit, somebody, a reporter, said to David Davis, the negotiator, they said to him, “So, the Europeans can stay?” And he went, “Well, we said that in Brussels, but we can just change it, “we don’t have to abide by it.” So, I think what happened on the night was, I went, “Soon-to-be-deported Eastern European workers,” and somebody went, “Ah, yeah,” and other people went, “No, Theresa May said they could stay.” “Oh.” And then someone else went, “No, David Davis has said it’s…” And in that moment, the laugh had gone, really. Because if you think about it… ..laughter’s a very instinctive thing, isn’t it? You just laugh. You don’t sort of canvass opinion about people around you and then decide… So, it doesn’t work, that joke, but what I’m saying is, it’s not my… It’s not my fault. It’s because there’s not…there’s… We don’t know what the Government position is, so it’s… You can’t write a joke in relation to it when it’s not clear… Do you see what I’m saying? What I’m saying is, there’s not… It’s not my… There’s not enough… The problem is, at the moment, there’s not enough clarity in the negotiating position for that joke to work. Do you know, I dread to think how this is affecting people in other lines of work, because… You know, I mean, I’m… I’m trying to… I’m just trying to get a joke that would get me from Amazon to charity shops, and the lack of clarity in the Brussels negotiations means it’s… You know, what if you’re trying to order staff or supplies? It’s just… I’m not trying to make this all about me. I’m saying it’s a bigger… You know, whatever your politics, you’ve got to admit it, it’s a difficult… I mean, I don’t know if there’s enough trained negotiators in this country for vast swathes of this show to ever be funny again, to be honest. But, anyway, what I’m saying is, it’s… It used to be a big… ..uh, laugh there, but the, the… ..the circumstances haven’t so much changed as they’ve just become unclear, so it’s very difficult to know whether to cut it or rewrite it, because you could change it, couldn’t you? And then the next thing you know… You… HE SIGHS Who even goes shopping now? Yeah, see, that feels weird now. Cos that’s… That’s supposed to come off the back of, “Blah-blah-blah, Amazon – who even goes shopping now?” Who even goes shopping now? Even the… Ugh, come on! Even… Yes, we can hear one person clapping on their own. You know, that’s the terrible thing, I’ve got hearing… I’ve got hearing aids now, the last couple of years. So, in the silence, I can hear one man clapping, and sort of encouraging, patronising… “Go on!” People up there, the friends of the theatre, I can hear them going, “He doesn’t seem to be able to do stand-up”. I can, I… I’m very good at it! I can do what you think stand-up is, this is what you like, isn’t it? CHIRPILY: “Who even goes shopping now?! “Who goes shopping now?! Ooh!” “I don’t, do you? No, ooh!” That’s what you like, innit? Who even goes shopping now? You know… Even the charity shops are doing home deliveries, aren’t they? “No.” They fuck…! They fucking are! If I say… “Who even goes shopping? “Even the charity shops are doing home…” “They’re not.” “They are! So…” They are! So, if you ever fancy getting 100 copies of the last Rufus Hound Live stand-up DVD… ..for a pound, 1p each, yeah, you don’t even have to leave the house. Why? Because the charity shops are doing home deliveries. “They’re not, mate, it’s not cost effective!” They are! They’ve got kids on bikes… They’ve got drones doing it. If you… HE SPLUTTERS The charity shops are doing home deliveries! “They’re not!” They are. So, if you ever fancy getting 100 copies of the same Alan Carr Live DVD for a pound… “1p each?!” Yeah! GASPING: You don’t even have to leave the house… “Why?” The charity shops are doing home… You know what? Forget it. Forget the fuck… I’m going to do this routine. I’m on high blood pressure medication. It’s not… It’s not safe for me to perform this routine with the level of commitment the upper circle of Southend appear to require! I don’t want to die doing this, here. I wouldn’t mind dying on stage if it was like Tommy Cooper. Do you remember that, older people? Tommy Cooper, when he died on stage at the London Palladium. And I’m not trying to take the piss. It was an amazing thing and a brilliant way to go out for a comedian. 7,000 people in the room all laughing, and he died, and they thought it was a joke. It was an amazing way to go out for a comedian. But I wouldn’t want to die here in this gig. With him, clapping sycophant, on Twitter afterwards, going, “Uh, I’ve just seen Stewart Lee’s last gig.” “What was it like?” “It was a struggle for him in many ways. “It was a shame. “It was a real… A lot of people weren’t into it. “But, yeah, it wasn’t… “It…it was not his best. “He looked ill, actually. He looked ill. “He looked like he was struggling, you know?” We’ll drop the charity shop routine, we’ll move onto the next bit. There is no charity shop routine. There is no charity shop routine, mate. Every night, I just pretend… “It’s the best bit as well, what a shame! What a shame…” Each night is exactly the same. All the things happen, they happen the same every night, and somehow the sort of cross-section of people that comes to see me, whether I’m in Aberdeen or Southend, they seem to be the same. They are self-replicating. No place is any different to the other, and the show goes beat-for-beat the same every night, and I don’t know how long I can carry on doing that. Well, I mean, especially with the state of you, you’re obviously in the worst physical condition of your life. Performing at this level with this degree of enthusiasm… It’s going to kill you, isn’t it? It’s going to kill me. It’s going to kill me. And this will not be one of those memorable Tommy Cooper… No. ..demises, in front of an audience of loving, affectionate… Yeah. ..happy, contented laughing people. Yeah. This will be in front of your audience. Well, the worst thing that could possibly happen is on the verge of dying on stage and getting a Tommy-Cooper-like send-off, I’ll somehow manage to shuffle off and expire in the wings, which will have no comic or artistic value whatsoever. All I’m saying is this, right? All those ’90s and noughties TV panel show, Live At The Apollo, Netflix comedians, right? You can get all their live DVDs, second-hand, on the internet, on Amazon, on eBay, for 1p each. All of them, 1p! But the cheapest that you can get… LAUGHTER Well, we’ll see how funny it is, won’t we, madam? When we hear… When we hear how much it is. The cheapest that you can get my 2004 live DVD for, second-hand on the internet, how much do you think it is, madam? This is a quick little exchange, really, that… ..speeds the evening along. £5? Have you seen this before? Have you tried to fuck this up on purpose? For God’s sake, tonight of all the… It’s not £5, no. You panicked, didn’t you? I could see… £5… It’s £3.67. Now… Right, what’s happened the other… ..208 nights of this tour – it’s £3.67, my DVD. I go to the person there, I say, “How much do you think it is?” They go, “50p,” or “£1,” or “10p,” or something, which is less than £3.67. And then I say, “£3.67.” And there’s a kind of mock heroic triumph in the room, people going, “Yes! Aah! “More than they said, yeah!” But what’s happened tonight, you weren’t to know, were you? It’s very kind of you to think that it would be five… What’s your name, madam? What is it? No, don’t shake your head, you have a name! What is it? Annette. Annette, yeah. Annette, very kindly, has… ..massively overestimated the… She’s gone £5, I’ve gone £3.67. And where there’s normally joy, the people of Southend are already struggling, look at them. They’ve gone… They’ve gone, “Ooh, that’s awkward, isn’t it? “Because it’s less. It’s much less than he said.” So, that’s ruined. But… That’s normally another bit where there’s a bit of a lift, but all those bits tonight are being sabotaged, so that’s good. But, um… So, er… This is… I’ll be really amazed if this makes the edit, but if it does, then that’s the camera to get it on there. So… It’s £3.67, right? Which is still… Yes, that’s right, cry and blow your nose. It’s still… It’s still 367 times more than anybody else’s second-hand live DVD, right? But that would have been… You could have cheered a little bit there, couldn’t you? And recovered from the damage that your representative has done to the evening. But instead, Brexit-vague Southend have sat there and thought, “Let’s make this bloke suffer and then…” It’s 367 times more than anybody else’s, right? Which is… You know what? CHEERING Don’t patronise me, it’s too late. LAUGHTER No, forget it! The moment… WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE Right, you can clap! You can clap and cheer as sarcastically as you like, Southend! But it doesn’t change the fact that I am the £3.67 king of the obsolete physical media market, right? But there’s a reason for that, and it’s this, OK? I always sell DVDs and books after the gig, I probably won’t bother tonight, to be honest, but I normally do. And the cheapest that I can get the 2004 live DVD at source, new, from the warehouse in Colchester is £3.50, OK? So, I have to put it on for ten quid, right? Because I have to give 10% to 25% commission to the venue, that’s £2.50 off the ten, 15% to the promoters, that’s another £1.50 off the ten, that’s four gone. Another 15% to the agent, that’s £1.50, that’s £5.50 gone off the ten. £3.50 for the DVD in the first place. That’s £9 gone off the ten. This doesn’t normally get laughs, but I’m happy to take whatever comes from the Southend Accountants’ Theatre Trip up there at the back! “This is the bit I told you about. “It’s hilarious! “Because presumably, he’s self-employed, schedule D, “but he doesn’t seem to have realised that he could put the “initial DVD purchase through as a tax-deductible business…” I do, right? Why is this going better than proper jokes? Just… Right, I do know that! But I put the… I put it through at the end of each quarter, not with the balance of each… It doesn’t make any difference, as long as you… Who are you?! Who’s come to this?! “Politics, words, we’re not interested in that. “What we like is numbers being added up!” So, you’ve got a pound… When I did this tonight, I thought, “I hope it’s a really unique night “that we’re filming,” and it fucking is! Right? So, you’ve got £1 left, right? That’s taxed, isn’t it? Business rates… 22%, so you’ve got 78p left from the ten. Then there’s other costs – transport, storage. So, basically, a £3.50 DVD sold for ten quid, I’m normally looking at about 60p, 70p profit, right? So, what I do, OK? I can never sleep after gigs, right, because of the crazed adrenaline rush that is surge… Come on, look at what you’ve seen me dealing with! I’ve got a woman here, right, normally people go for 10p, that works. She said £5, it’s the highest anyone’s ever said in 18 months. But it didn’t floor me, did it? No. I’ve rolled with it. I came, I went, “No.” It’s not… I did! You couldn’t do this. If you were to do this, you’d cry. You couldn’t do this. And that’s why I’m up here like a god, right? And you’re down there in the dark, like pigs in an Essex ditch. So, I’m awake, so what I do, I can’t sleep, I go on the internet, I go on Amazon, I go on eBay, drunk, right? And first of all, I buy loads of 1970s Turkish funk albums, right? Yeah – Mogollar, Selda, Erkin Koray – the usual names. “Bunalim, Stew?” No, too metal. So… What do you want? So… “I love the adding up and the Turkish funk stuff. “Other than that…” SCATTERED APPLAUSE It’s getting applause, the Turkish funk stuff. Yeah, I’m bang on the meme. So… Does that exist, that phrase? Have I invented it, what’s going on? So… When… When I’ve… When I’ve bought all the Turkish funk, right, I start looking around for that 2004 live DVD, and if I see it anywhere second-hand for less than £3.50 – £3.40, £3.35 – I buy it, slip it in with the new ones… I’m looking at an extra 10 or 15 pence profit. I tell you what, tonight, for that bit, it’s good to be out of London and be in Essex, because in London, the sort of people that live there now, when I do that, they go, “Huh, 15 pence?” But all you lot, ex… Expatriate Cockney market trading, aren’t you? “15p? That’s a good return on that! “We’ve left London now.” I know why. Sometimes you get lucky, there’s a company on the internet called Music Magpie. They had 20 copies of it for £3.40 each, right? And I bought them all, OK? And the bloke at Music Magpie – Rick, he’s called – he sent me a sarcastic note with the order, he put, “How sad”, he put, “How sad, buying your own DVDs second-hand on the internet.” But it isn’t sad, is it? Because I made two quid on that, clear profit. So my DVDs are £3.67, that is 367 times, Annette, more than any other stand-up’s second-hand DVD live. But, to be fair, there’s a reason for that. I’m like a corrupt banker, aren’t I? I’ve kind of manipulated the market to drive up the perception of my commodity in the marketplace, you know? To be fair to Jimmy Carr, for example – whose DVDs are all 1p second-hand on the internet – He’s not awake, is he, at two o’clock in the morning buying his own DVDs second-hand on Amazon to resell off a trestle table in Southend-on-Sea. He’s not doing that. Imagine if he was? Imagine if Jimmy Carr was on Amazon buying something that he never paid the tax on what he got paid for doing it in the first place, from a company that don’t pay any of their tax either. Is it possible to imagine a more tax-avoiding transaction than Jimmy Carr buying a Jimmy Carr DVD on Amazon? Only if he found it using Google on a Vodafone phone whilst paying Gary Barlow to spit cold Starbucks coffee into his splayed anus… ..while the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys stand around singing I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. There’s not a single taxable juncture in the entire transaction! Now, if you’ve been looking carefully, you’ll notice the whole of this set tonight is actually made entirely out of other stand-up comedian’s second-hand live DVDs. I wasn’t trying to make fun of anyone, what I wanted to do was get all the DVDs and pile them up and then hang hessian sacking over them so they looked like the rocks and cliffs in that painting. But I didn’t do that idea in the end, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to make fun of the other comedians by making this set out of their DVDs. I’m not. It’s just that other comedians’ live DVDs are currently the cheapest building material available. APPLAUSE Of course, what I hadn’t factored in is that it’s actually quite depressing to look at this every night for a year. You know, it is, because I am a comedian, right? And, you know, I got all of these DVDs for 1p online, or 50p in that CEX exchange place. And of course, what is sad is, there are actually lots of really good ones here. And it’s very depressing… ..to think of them just becoming a sort of pile of worthless landfill. No, but it is sad, because…because… Well, this was a big deal, wasn’t it? The Christmas comedy DVD market and that’s…that’s over. And everything’s in collapse, you know? The Government are trying to close down the BBC. I don’t know how that’ll affect comedy. Actually, after the second series I did for the BBC, I got offered more money by Sky to go and do two series for them. But I didn’t. I didn’t go to Sky and I stayed at the BBC for less money. And I’ve not talked about this on stage before. All right, I’ll tell you why. It’s because I think if you make an ethical choice about something, it’s a private matter and you shouldn’t go around crowing… ..crowing it from the rooftops to try and engineer the perception of yourself as some kind of national cake-baking treasure. Know what I mean? But I started talking about it on stage last year. And in the summer, Sky’s lawyers sent me a very threatening cease-and-desist letter saying I wasn’t to say Sky had offered me more money than the BBC, because they hadn’t. And I went through the paperwork, and I went, “There’s the offer, there’s the minutes of the meeting.” So they… They backed off. But that gives you an indication of the extent to which I’m a pariah in the comedy business, that a broadcaster would take legal action to deny ever having wanted to work with me. But there’s all sorts of reasons not to appear on Rupert Murdoch’s evil Sky and one of them, of course, is that I know it’s not really me they want. They don’t want me. They want you to watch Sky because I’m on it. They want you, the ABC1, going-to-the-theatre, reading sort of people, to start watching Sky so they can advertise the sorts of things that you buy. Like cappuccinos and spiralisers and courgettes. If you watch Sky at the moment, all the advertising is for knives, masking tape and bin bags. You know, I wish I had gone to Sky, for the money, right, but I can’t. Because if you are a sort of broadly liberal comedian and you appear on Rupert Murdoch’s evil Sky, my concern is you’re going to lose your core audience, which tonight is about seven people down there in Southend. Alan Partridge, the fictional character, he can appear on Rupert Murdoch’s evil Sky because that is exactly the kind of channel Alan Partridge would appear on if he was real, isn’t it? You know, if you were watching Sky News and Eamonn Holmes came on and then Kay Burley and then Alan Partridge you’d go, “Ooh, Sky have raised the quality of their journalism.” And I wish I could appear on Sky for the money, I wish I could, right, but I can’t. Because the character of Stewart Lee that I’ve created… ..would have smug, liberal, moral objections to appearing on Sky. And I’m coming to hate the character of Stewart Lee. I’m coming to despise the character of Stewart Lee in the same way as Rod Hull came to hate Emu. I even hate this, what I’m saying now. Pretentious, meta-textual, self-aware shit. “What’s wrong with proper jokes?” That’s what I say to me. You know, Russell Howard‘s not involved in an ongoing interrogation of the divided self, is he? No, he’s going… “We’ve all done it. “You’ve run out of toilet roll, “you use a sock.” His own clothing. For excrement! What is that? Observational comedy from a Victorian mental hospital? “We’ve all done it. You wake up, don’t you, about six in the morning? ” ‘Get up!’ Then about 11 o’clock, the gentry come round, don’t they, “in their top hats, smashing you in the face with canes, “then in the afternoon, you’re chained to a bed and spat at. “You try and escape. We’ve all done it.” I’d go and see that. All the young, 20-something comedians, in their 20s. They all complain to me about me doing a joke about Russell Howard, all the 20-somethings. They go, DRONING VOICE: “Aw, mate… “Ma-a-a-ate! “Aww-w! “Ma-a-a-a-a-ate! “Aw, mate! “Aaw! “Aw, mate! “Aaw! “A-A-Aw, ma-a-a-a-ate. “Mate, no! “Aw… “Aw, mate, no! No! “No, mate! Aw! “Mate, no! “Mate, what have you…? “Aw, mate. “What you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate? “Aw, mate. “Mate? “Hey, mate. Mate. Ma-a-a-ate. “Mate, why you having a go at Russell, mate?” “Mate, what…? Wha-a-a-a-a…? “Mate, what you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate? “Mate, what you having a go at Russell Howard for? Aaahhh! “A-A-A-Ah! “Mate, what you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate? “Mate, what you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate? “Mate. Mate. “Mate, mate. “Mate, what…? “Whuuuhhhh… “Uhhh! “What you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate? “Mate? “Mate? What you having…? Whhuuuhhh… “What you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate? “Mate, what you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate? “What you having a go at whaa…whuuh…maaaa? “What you having a go at Russell Howard for, mate?” They all stick up for him. It’s not even fair. I did one joke about Russell Howard, about ten years ago, and that’s all. One joke. Admittedly, it was 58 minutes long. It wasn’t even about him. It was about a press release about him, which was stupid, right? I liked him, to be honest. I hate him now, though. It’s not even his fault, it’s my fault entirely, right? And why I hate Russell Howard is this, OK? Now, this is… Oh, right. OK, this is the last sort of seven, eight-minute bit of the first half. This… This ends on a sentence that normally gets such a big laugh that I don’t even have to wrap up the show. I just walk off while people are still going, “Ha-ha-ha!” That won’t happen tonight, and I think we know why. It’s because, God bless them, loads of people have come along tonight. They’ve thought, “Oh, something’s come to Southend, “let’s go and see it.” And this joke relies on people having seen me before or knowing something about me. I’d like to drop this bit, to be honest, but I can’t. But it’s, um… It looks very relaxed, but actually it’s a very tightly structured show and I can’t drop this bit cos there’s stuff in it that sets up things in the second half, so I have to do it. So we’ll just get through it and then we’ll have a… Right, OK. The reason I hate Russell Howard is this, OK? It’s because my family, right, they’re very nice, OK? But they don’t… I love them, but they don’t read the sort of papers where I get good reviews. They don’t know the sort of people that would like me. They’re like a lot of the people that have come tonight. And, um… If they ever see a bit of film of me on YouTube or something like that, they think it’s so bad, right, what I do, that they can’t believe I can actually make a living out of this, and in fact, they don’t believe it. So when they talk to me about stand-up, they talk to me about it in a sort of sympathetic tone of voice. As if they think I’m a delusional mad man, who imagines that he’s a stand-up comedian, and if I was to find out that I wasn’t, I would have a mental breakdown. So they sort of ring me up and they go, “Hello. “And how is your stand-up comedy going?” “Cos that’s your job, isn’t it? “And you do that, don’t you, for your work, in your actual life?” I’m going, “Yeah, it’s fine, I’m just coming to the end “of an 18-month tour, actually.” “I’m sure you are. “Been going all round, haven’t you, “and people are all laughing and no-one’s walking out?” The worst one is my brother-in-law, right? He’s a really nice bloke, he’s 57 and I really like him. I’m very lucky to have him, but we’re different sort of people. He’s the kind of bloke who’ll ring me up and he’ll go, “Yeah, I saw you on TV last night having a go at Farage. “Quite badly misjudged, I thought.” But he’s really great, and, erm… No, he is! I really… No, I do, I really like him. But he came to see me once about three years ago in London and it was a proper, normal… Right, this is a five-star show, right? I’m just letting you know. This has had across-the-board, five-star reviews, right? So I’m just letting you know that if there’s a problem in this room tonight, it’s not on this side of the stage, that’s all I’m saying, right? OK? A five-star show, all right? It doesn’t feel like it tonight, does it? It feels like a four with occasional lurches down towards a three, but it is a five. Anyway, my brother-in-law came to see me in London, a proper, normal, five-star night, not like tonight, full of wilful obstruction, indifference and people wandering out. It was a normal, five-star… But he just didn’t like it, you know. And he, afterwards, he looked so ashamed and embarrassed he couldn’t meet my eye. I thought he was going to be sick in the foyer. But to be fair to him, my brother-in-law, he has no frame of reference whatsoever for this, right? Cos he’s only ever seen one other thing live in his whole life and that was, in 1986, at Lancaster Polytechnic, he saw Deacon Blue. And I can see him, with his mate in the room, he’s going, “What is this? It’s nothing like Deacon Blue, what is it?” Anyway, he rings me up, “Hello, how’s your comedy? That’s your work, isn’t it?” I’m going, “Yeah, it’s fine.” I said to him, “You sound in a good mood.” He said, “I am in a good mood.” I said, “Why?” And he said, “Well,” he said, “we’ve been very lucky,” he said. “We’ve managed to secure two tickets, 18 months in advance, “to the sold-out Royal Albert Hall run of our favourite “TV stand-up comedian of all time, Russell Howard.” And I went, “Oh.” And he said, “You sound surprised.” And I went, “Well, I’ve just never “met an adult, you know, that was going to see Russell…” It’s for kids, isn’t it? For kids. And, erm… But… And he said to me, “Don’t you think he’s any good?” I went, “Yeah, he’s great, you know.” And then he said to me, in a sarcastic voice, my own brother-in-law, he said to me, “Yes,” he said, “not like you, then,” he said, “the most critically acclaimed stand-up in Britain.” Well, that’s where the big laugh is, normally. Nothing, was there? A SINGLE CLAP Yeah, well, bit late for that. SCATTERED APPLAUSE OK, well… Right, why that normally gets a laugh, right…? I see… That is normally such a big laugh I just… People are going, “Ah-ha!” and I just walk off. I go… OK. Right, it doesn’t matter. It’s nice, actually, that so many people have come that didn’t really know me and have… OK, what it is, why that’s… OK, you don’t know, right, but why it’s funny, right, he said to me, “Of course, YOU’RE the most critically acclaimed “stand-up in Britain,” like I’m not, but I AM, right? So that’s why… And they know that. That’s why they’re laughing while the rest of you’re going, “Well…” No, I am, I am. I’m not… No, that’s why it normally… Don’t fucking shake your head at me, right? This… It’s not up for debate, right? I’m the most critically acclaimed stand-up in Britain this century, so it’s funny that your own family member wouldn’t… Would not… I’m not saying I’m the best, right? I’m the most critically acclaimed, I’m not saying I’m the best. There’s loads of stand-ups better than me. I mean, there’s… There’s Daniel Kitson… Ah, there’s loads. No, I am, I know. So people going… I can see them, going, “He can’t be, can he? What? “There’s people walking out.” You’ve made this seem arrogant, but it’s actually a very humble joke cos it’s about how… Fuck! Right, I have got…I have got… I’ve got two…? I’ve got three British Comedy Awards, I think. I might have two. I can’t remember, I’ve got so many. I’ve got… I’ve got a Bafta. I’ve got… ..an Olivier Award. None of these people have got that, have they, an Olivier Award? I’ve got six Chortle Awards, which is the industry… So… It is! I’ve got six consecutive ones for Best Touring Show. What d’you want me to do? I can’t… You know, this… This isn’t an end to a half, is it? A man pleading the case for his own… ..genius while people file out? Christ’s sake. Let’s sort this out, right? Right, OK, I appreciate so many people coming, taking a punt on this, not knowing what it is. I know it’s hard to get baby-sitters, all that sort of thing. Let’s sort this out. Let’s kick the second half up to five, right? We can fix this. What I’m going to do… Don’t go, stop hanging around the doorway. Give me two minutes, right? I’m going to fix this. What I’m going to do, just quickly, right, I’m going to go over some of the jokes that are coming up in the second half… No, because then they can ask people about them and… I can’t afford to lose any more of you. Right, in the second half, right, there’s going to be… This’ll take a minute, right? There’s going to be two more jokes about Deacon Blue, the ’80s Scottish… Right, they’re not hilarious jokes, right, but what they are, they’re what we call “call-backs” and they tie back to the earlier mention of Deacon Blue and they give the show the illusion of structure, right? Which is what raises us above the apes, I think. Or “visiting American stand-ups”, as I call them. Oh, come on, you’ve seen them, haven’t you? You’re at the O2, seeing the American stand-up. It’s 95 quid for their 42-minute club set and you’re sitting there watching the American stand-up and you’re going… “We don’t have those cakes here, mate. “We don’t have those cakes.” OK, all I’m saying, right, is, I don’t go to New York and do two hours on Mr Kipling, do I? You know, I’m not in Madison Square Garden going, “And there’s like a shortbread bit… “Then there’s jam on there… “Then there’s, like, a Bakewell… “Is this on?” So to get everyone in the mood, I thought I’d play the first Deacon Blue album, Raintown, at half-time, right? And I found it, second-hand, on the internet, 69p. That’s not very good, is it, Annette? 69p, no! I could teach Deacon Blue a thing or two about online reputation management. What I don’t understand is, there’s six of them, they should be on the internet in shifts, driving that price up. D’you know, if there were six of me, my DVD would be about £5? APPLAUSE That’s right. You are right to clap. So what you do there, you get a problem, it’s not a problem, you store it away, bring it back later on. I know you’re laughing, the people up there, they’re going, “No-one could be that good. She is a plant, that woman. “He takes her round the whole country and she shouts out, ‘£5.’ ” You’re not a plant, are you, Annette? No. Only four more shows left, anyway. You don’t know what’s going on now, do you? So I ordered it off Music Magpie, Deacon Blue’s first album, and the bloke, Rick, at Music Magpie, he sent me an e-mail. He said, “We’re sorry to inform you that Raintown by Deacon Blue, “order 2032917358, has failed its final quality inspection.” So I said, “Well, don’t worry if the case is damaged. “I just need to play the music at half-time.” And he said, “No, not its physical quality inspection. “Deacon Blue’s mix of soulful singer-songwriter sensibilities “and plastic mid-’80s production values has not aged well. “But we notice from our files that all your fans who buy your live DVDs “from us then go on to buy 1970s Turkish funk albums. “So as a goodwill gesture, here’s some to play in your interval.” That’s the interval now. TURKISH FUNK MUSIC PLAYS After what is, by your own admission, a very disappointing end to the first half on every single night of the tour, which must be especially dispiriting. Yeah. But what do you actually do during an intermission? Do you cry, do you comfort eat, or…? Well, I go offstage and I sit in the dressing room and then I go online and I look to see if anyone’s said anything about it on Twitter. That’s what I do every night. And hopefully, there’s bad things on Twitter. But then I go out in a more depressed and angry mood, which helps with the persona for the second half. So I basically contrive a character by looking at things that will confirm it. I see that you’re still clinging to the notion that the comedian Stewart Lee is somehow an entity that is separate from yourself. How would you respond to people, often close friends and associates, who say that you are pretty much like that all the time? Well, it didn’t use to be the case and I think now what’s happened is, I toured this for 18 months and I filmed this special at the end of it, and I spent so long pretending to be the comedian Stewart Lee that I think whoever Stewart Lee was is gone now. And I am the comedian Stewart Lee and I’m aware of my own obsolescence and this other Stewart Lee, who had his own life and interests, that’s gone, and I’m hoping I can find him again. If the comedian Stewart Lee is a character that you invented, then wouldn’t you have invented a better one? Right, in the first half I said, didn’t I, I was trying to do two hours on the idea of the individual in a digitised, free-market economy. I said I was going to base it around this painting, Caspar David Friedrich’s 1818 German romantic masterpiece Wanderer Above A Sea Of Fog. Then I said I couldn’t do that because I had to talk about Brexit. Then I did talk about Brexit for about 25 minutes. Then I got back on to talking about digital media, physical media. So that was all right, that was the first half, that was done. Then, about 16 months ago, I started writing the second half and that was coming together all right, and then America voted for Trump and there seems… OK, there seems to be an expectation everywhere that I should have written something about Americans voting for Trump. And I haven’t written anything about Trump because I’m trying to write a show that I can keep on the road for 18 months. And as I didn’t know how America voting for Trump was going to pan out, I didn’t write anything about it in case I couldn’t keep it in the show for the full length of the tour and monetise the work I’ve done. So I haven’t written anything about America voting for Trump because I don’t see the point of committing to a course of action for which there is no logical or financial justification. Well, typically, it’s going better down here, isn’t it? Down here, the elite of Southend. They’re going, “How amusing, Lee… “How amusing, Lee has used exactly the same syntax “at the start of both the first and second halves “with only two nouns changed in order to drive home “the notion that both the Trump and Brexit victories “are driven by the same populist rhetoric. How clever.” People up there are going, “How embarrassing, he’s done the same bit twice. “He must be drunk. “He’s an alcoholic, I saw it on Twitter.” So… You know, because I’ve got a Trump bit, I have to check at half time every night that he’s not been assassinated or fallen into a barrel of porn actresses or something. But it does mean that I see the same crass, anti-American generalisations online every night on social media, and it annoys me, to be honest. Because I don’t know if you can make massive generalisations about Americans who voted for Trump. Because Americans voted for Trump for all sorts of different reasons. And it wasn’t just racists that voted for Donald Trump… Cunts did as well, didn’t they? CHEERING Yeah. Stupid, fat American cunts. The worst kind of cunts, aren’t they? Much worse than our British cunts, aren’t they? Salt of the Earth British cunts. # British cunts! # British cunts! # British Brexit-voting cunts from Southend! # But… That’s you, innit? But I don’t know… But I don’t know if you can make massive generalisations about Americans that voted for Trump, seriously. I mean, not all Americans that voted for Trump wanted to see America immediately descend into being an unaccountable, single-party state exploiting people’s worst prejudices to maintain power indefinitely. Some Americans just wanted to be allowed to wear their Ku Klux Klan outfits to church, didn’t they? Perked up, haven’t you, at half time? Had a little chat, have you, with the people that brought you? “Do you think he’s funny, John?” “Yes.” “Oh, I do as well, then.” You make me sick. It’s very difficult, though, nowadays, to write a joke that everyone either understands or finds funny, you know, or relates to. And it’s partly because we live in such fragmented times in terms of how we consume news information. There’s no dominant, trusted news narrative. No news source. Everyone’s going down their own little digital wormholes. And you’ll be on some website and it says, “Do you agree with this? “Then click on this because it’s the same as what you already think.” And no-one… No-one’s got any overview, have they? And that’s partly how a Trump and a Brexit can happen. It didn’t used to be like that, did it, Southend? We used to be part of the collective consciousness, didn’t we? In 1978, for example, 28 million British people watched the same Christmas Morecambe and Wise as it was broadcast in real time. Half the population. And this is held up as a sort of apogee of our collective experience. But it doesn’t really hold water, because there was no competition then, was there? There was no DVDs. There was no internet. And there was only two other TV channels. And on one of them was a documentary about Burnham-on-Crouch. And on the other was a drawing of a clown sitting near a blackboard. And that got 27 million viewers. “Did it?” No. But young people today are very proud of the fact that they don’t interact with conventional terrestrial media at all, aren’t they? They go, “Mate, I don’t even know what it is, mate. “Terrestrial media? I just watch the internet Netflix “cable download computer television. “You know, I haven’t even got the thing that you… “I haven’t even got any eyes. “Mate. “I haven’t even got any, you know, senses “to perceive any physical stimuli. “I just have memes Bluetoothed into my cortex. “Have you not got the internet Netflix cable Sky computer “download television, Stew? Have you not got that, mate? It’s amazing. “Some amazing things on the internet Netflix cable Sky. “I mean there’s… “There are, there’s some really good stuff. “I mean, there’s Game Of Thrones, for example. “Which is… “Aw, have you not seen Game Of Thrones, mate? “Haaa…you not seen Game…? Uhhhhlll…. “Have you not seen Game Of Thrones, mate? “It’s not just about a gnome, Stew. “It’s a dwarf anyway, you’re racist against gnomes. “This is a completely different thing.” “Have you not seen Game Of Thrones? It’s not for kids, Stew. “No. I mean, yeah, there’s magic in it, but it’s not like, “you know, Harry Potter or The Faraway Tree or something like… “You know, what is magic anyway? That’s what I say to you. “I mean magic could be, it’s, like, kind of “energy that we don’t understand yet, you know?” It could be. I mean, think about it. I mean, once upon a time, you know, people would have run away from Doritos, wouldn’t they? But people eat them now. And they dip. I don’t. But, you know, some people, I’ve seen people eating… “Have you not seen Game Of Thrones? “I don’t know when it’s set Stew, no. “You know, it could be in the past, yeah. “Could be in the future, after Brexit. “There’s a big wall, cutting off the north of the country. “Everyone’s in rags, no-one’s got any Toblerone. “So it could be… “Have you really not seen Game Of Thrones, mate? “I mean, it’s not just about a dragon flying around with a hat on. “It’s really… It’s actually, Stew, “Game Of Thrones is a really amazing programme because, actually, “it’s very clever, Game Of Thrones. “Because what it’s actually about, it’s about history and, you know, “philosophy and politics and things like that.” Is it? Game Of Thrones? Peter Stringfellow’s Lord Of The Rings? APPLAUSE Bilbo Baggins at the Spearmint Rhino? I’m not going to watch Game Of Thrones. I can get the same experience from sitting around with a Terry Pratchett novel in one hand and a copy of Hustler’s Barely Legal in the other. “It’s not like that, mate, if you actually watch Game…” I haven’t watched Game Of Thrones! If I want to understand the ongoing weft of history, while simultaneously being mildly sexually aroused, I’ll forcibly dress David Starkey in Agent Provocateur underwear… ..and pay him to give a lap dance to Simon Schama. “It’s not like that, mate, if you actually watch Game Of…” No, I haven’t watched Game Of Thrones. And I shall never watch Game Of Thrones. I shall take no wife… ..hold no lands… ..father no children. I shall wear no crown… ..and win no glory. And I shall not watch Game Of Thrones. Do you like that, do you, Game Of Thrones fans? Do you know what? I don’t even fucking know what that is. I copied that off the back of a cup in HMV. Right, OK? No, I did. And everything I need to know to do an hour of stand-up on Game Of Thrones, I can get off a cup. So, grow up, you stupid Warhammer twat. You’re 45 years old! “It’s not like that, have you actually watched…” No, I haven’t watched Game Of Thrones! If I want to understand the ongoing collapse of ancient dynasties, while simultaneously being barely semi-tumescent… ..as usual… ..I’ll read Tolstoy’s War And Peace while sitting over the wheel arch of a diesel-powered double-decker bus. First laughs from the friends up there. Some of the older supporters of the theatre going, yeah, “Remember the old days? You could get on, couldn’t you? “You get on the bus in Billericay, “and by the time…” AS A WORKING-MAN’S CLUB COMEDIAN: Hey, I’ve got a joke for you now, Southend. It’s a Game Of Thrones joke. Hey, I tell you what, you may laugh, madam – if you were my daughter, I’d still be bathing you. So… Come on. It was the 1970s, it was a different time. It was a time of innocence and fun and laughter. So, I’ve got a joke for you, it’s a Game Of Thrones joke. Eh! So… You may laugh, sir – if you were my son, I’d still be bathing you. Different times, weren’t they, the ’70s? All the children were clean, weren’t they, in the ’70s? Weren’t they? Get in the bath, get out of the bath, dry yourself off, get back in the bath now! Get in the bath! So… NORMAL VOICE: There’s people up there going, “Oh, now it’s picked up. “A proper comedian’s come on.” AS A WORKING-MAN’S CLUB COMEDIAN: So, I’ve got a joke for you now. You may laugh, sir – if you were dead, I’d still be bathing you. Different times, weren’t it, the ’70s? You could bathe the dead, couldn’t you? “Is he dead?” “Yes, but he’s clean.” “Oh.” “Nice and clean.” So… I’ve got a joke for you now, it’s a Game Of Thrones joke. Eh! I tell you what, right, there’s so many naked young women in that Game Of Thrones programme that they have… I’m just checking back there for the old PC thought police. Gary Lineker‘s liberal Stasi. No offence, the metropolitan liberal elite of Southend, but how fucked are you when the main champion of your liberal values is Gary Lineker? “My name is Gary Lineker. “I like to wake up in the morning “and send out a succession of tweets “in support of broadly progressive causes.” “Then, in the afternoon, “I like to relax with a great big bag of crisps.” Are you there, Gary? He’s not there tonight. Are you there? Some nights, he’s there and we have a… ..we have a little chat, don’t… Hello? But, no, Gary, I don’t think… Well, given how the first half ended, I don’t think tonight is the sort of night where the audience will go with a long, improvised dialogue with an invisible, offstage Gary Lineker. So… I know, Gary, it worked very well in Leicester, but that’s your hometown. And what began as a regionally specific ad lib has gradually depreciated in value as we’ve gone further south. I know. So, he’s not coming on tonight. He’s not there, anyway. He won’t come this far south, Gary Lineker. He won’t cross water. In case his crisps get damp. Anyway, I need to get on with the joke now, because the longer I talk in this voice, the more I realise I’ve not really given it enough thought to who this is supposed to be. Just started off as a throwaway thing. Anyway, so, I’ve got a joke for you now, it’s a Game Of Thrones joke. Eh, I tell you what, right, there’s so many naked young women in that Game Of Thrones programme that they have now, it’s hardly surprising what stunted Tyrion Lannister’s growth. It were wanking, ladies and gentlemen. He’s wanked hisself into being a dwarf. See? He was 6ft 6in in the pilot episode. “Hang on a minute, mate, wasn’t that a sizeist joke? “About the dwarf community?” NORMAL VOICE: Yes, it was, but I ridiculed the dwarf community in order to satirize the ongoing exploitation of women in mainstream media, so it cancels it out. It’s the kind of split-second, collateral-damage decision Frankie Boyle has to make every time he opens his mouth. “Oh, hang on a minute, mate, “who’s the sole arbiter of taste in stand-up comedy? “Who’s the self-appointed moral judge of right and wrong “in stand-up comedy?” It’s me, I am! It’s been me for about 17 years now, and there’s nothing the passive-aggressive indifference of the people of Southend-on-Sea can do about that. Not now. But, hey, the world’s gone mad, hasn’t it? Do you know what? APPLAUSE I blame… I blame young people. By which I mean people under 40, and I hope there is none in. “I’m under 40. “I’m disillusioned. “I like Russell Brand, I didn’t vote. “Yeah!” “Oh, no, I’ve got no future now.” “Never mind, I’ve got this phone.” People under 40, what a shower of shit are you? Aren’t you?! This is you… “I’m under 40. “I like Poke Man Go.” “I’m under 40, and in the morning, I don’t eat bread for breakfast, “like an adult, I suck drinking yoghurt out of a pouch.” HE SLURPS “I’m under 40, this is my food.” “I’m under 40, this is me on the bus to work in the morning.” People under 40, you like stupid fads, don’t you? A Japanese cat’s face drawn on a satchel, that’s what you like, isn’t it? “I’ve got to get up early and get down the market.” “Why?” “The Japanese-cat-satchel-face man’s coming.” “You’ve got loads of satchels of a Japanese cat’s face on, mate.” “I know, but there might be… Waaahhh!” Bondage sex and S&M and the fetish thing, that’s the new thing, isn’t it, the under-40s? Which they think they’ve invented. Because they read about it in 50 Shades Of Grey, or they saw it in a FKA twigs video. I know who he is, actually, mate, so you can fuck off. This is exactly my problem, actually, with the under-40s. If you’re 50, like me, and you make some joke about popular culture, people under 40 go, “Ah-ha-ha, Grandad, you don’t know who FKA twigs is.” Well, I do know who he is, FKA twigs. They don’t, do they, the Southend theatre people? FKA twigs, right… He’s not a twig, like you think. “Is he a twig, is he from the woods?” FKA twigs, he’s a… He’s a rap singer, he’s one of these… He is, he’s one of these rappers. Well, he is, he’s done loads of tapes, I’ve got his tapes, and he’s… He’s got a video, FKA twigs, where all sort of Japanese bondage ropes go round him, and he flies up in the air and he has to try and… Right, has anyone seen this? Because I’m looking for stuff to drop, to be honest. No. I’ve seen it, I saw it on, er… Oh… Not Top Of The Pops, what is it they have now? The internet, it was on that. It’s like Top Of The Pops, isn’t it, the internet? Full of pop music and sexual predators. Yeah, see? See? I can write jokes, I could be on Mock The Week, easily. This is Mock The Week, isn’t it? “The internet is a bit like…” Fuck off, for God’s sake, what waste of everyone’s… Pathetic, innit? “Oh, I’ve written a joke!” Imagine writing jokes? What a waste of time. “Oh, this thing is like this, only this is different.” For God’s sake, pathetic. People under f… “I’m 37, I like bondage sex. “I had a mask on and some jam went on me.” Did it? Do you remember proper bondage sex, like we used to have? In the ’80s, in the ’70s – in the ’50s, friends of the theatre, remember? Proper, you know, degrading, you know… If you weren’t in hospital at the end of it, you’d done it wrong. And he had to do it again. Not like now. “I’m 34, I like bondage sex, a feather went on my bum.” Did it? Were you asphyxiated in a career-ending accident? No? Shut up then, drink your fucking pouch of yoghurt, get your fucking cat-face bag and fuck off! And that is my message to the under-40s. APPLAUSE But, joking apart… Yeah, I was joking. I took an exaggerated position for comic effect. I’ve been doing it all night. A little peep for you there, Southend, behind the wizard’s curtain. # Behind the wizard’s curtain # With Stewart Lee # He is going to show you all # The secrets of comedy # Well, what would you do if a woman said £5 # When you were hoping that she’d say 50p? # Would you squirrel it away at the back of your head # And bring it back in later on instead? # Yeah! Behind the wizard’s curtain. # Yeah, Behind The Wizard’s Curtain. It’s a thing I’m working on for Dave. Hey, get this, right? It was my idea and I wrote it, but apparently it’d be better if Greg Davies presented it. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? Anyway, so… On the subject of your constant comparisons between your act and jazz, I don’t really recall Miles Davis or any of the other jazz legends actually ever having their trousers fall down, or anything like that. I mean, we are talking about something very, very different. Well, I understand what you mean, but there’s a similarity, inasmuch as what the great jazz musicians do is they work in the moment with things that take them by surprise. One night in Bristol, my trousers fell down, it took me by surprise, but I worked with it. I suppose the difference between me and the jazz musicians is that they did that once, they worked with it, and they consigned it to the bin of history. What they don’t do with their moments of improvisation is then falsify them for hundreds of times afterwards. Yes. In fact, in many ways, you could argue there could be nothing more different between the pure, improvisatory art of jazz and a man pretending to improvise the same thing, night after night, for the best part of a year-and-a-half. But the thing is, at some point, I did have the idea to do that in the first place. That was the jazz moment. So you’re more like a recording of jazz than jazz itself? Yeah, that’s been taken around and played to people as a reminder of the fact that at some point, the idea was original. So I was talking about the S&M and the fetish thing there, right. It’s an exaggerated example to choose, but let’s stay with it, cos it dovetails into something I wanted to talk about, which is this, right? I think any area of interest people have, any hobby, whether it’s woodwork, sailing, you know, er, collecting stamps – or something mad, like the fetish thing – whatever it is, it’s so much easier now to find out about these things and to meet like-minded people, because of the internet – much more so than it was, say, even 25 years ago – that I don’t know if any of our passions, if any of our hobbies, our interests, will ever have the same depth of meaning that they had to us a quarter of a century ago, because you’re not required to put yourself out, you’re not required to commit to anything, you know? Let’s take the fetish thing, for a laugh, right? Now, if you’d wanted to get into that 25 years ago, you know, you probably couldn’t even have done it in Southend. You’d have had to go to Burnham-on-Crouch, right? You’d have to go to the very worst part of Burnham-on-Crouch, and it’d be in some underpass, and there’d be some horrible shop there with a bloke behind the counter, drinking amyl nitrate out of an egg cup. And he’d sell you some ticket to some fetish event in London in about two years’ time, and you’d go there, to The Clink or something. You’d go, “Hello, where’d you get that collar thing? “Who are you? How do you do this? When’s the next meeting?” And it would take you ages, wouldn’t it, to get into any kind of subculture. But when you finally did, it would mean something, because you’d committed to it, right? But it’s all changed now. One of you could go home tonight, from here, couldn’t you, and think, “Oh, I’d like to be in the fetish scene.” And you could go on Amazon, bop, bop, bop, next-day delivery, Taiwanese fist glove, that’s there tomorrow. Midday, your partner goes, “What’s this?” You go, “It’s a Taiwanese fist glove.” “I didn’t know you were into all that.” “I am.” “Since when?” “Last night, about half past ten, I just decided.” But it wouldn’t mean anything, would it? It wouldn’t mean anything. You know, I used to collect records, right? I started about 1979 and I spent the next two decades wandering around with a little list in my pocket, looking for these things. And then I started touring, ’89, and I’d go to these different towns, Leeds, Birmingham, Glasgow, I’d go in the record shops, “Have you got this?” “No, we’ll ring the dealer.” And he’d come in, and it would take you ten years, sometimes, to find the thing you were looking for. And when you finally did, it was amazing. Then, in 1997, I got online, in an afternoon, I found everything I’d been looking for for 20 years, right? And it didn’t mean anything. It did not mean anything, and it’s changed so much in our lifetime. If you talk to your grandparents or your great-grandparents about trying to do bondage sex and fetish stuff… ..and S&M… You know, in the war, when there was Hitler, Adolf Hitler. Or in the ’30s, when a lot of the things they needed were very scarce, very hard to come by, it was harder for them to get into all this stuff, but I think it meant more to them. Well, you snigger because you are of a generation where you cannot conceive, can you, they cannot conceive of not being able to instantly get what they want. And it is a tragedy, I think. And I remember talking to my gran about this, and I remember her saying that, in the ’30s, you know, if she wanted a deluxe latex sort of… ..like a sex harness for bondage, to be hung up from a beam or something… You know, it wasn’t like now. They couldn’t just go into Ann Summers. You know, there was no Ann Summers. They lived in Kidderminster. People still live there now, still live there now. What they had to do in the ’30s, in rural Worcestershire, if they wanted a sex harness, is… Yeah, “ha-ha”. ..is… ..they would have to walk. They would. And they would walk and walk and walk and walk, miles and miles and miles, all round rural Worcestershire, all round Bromsgrove, Redditch, Alvechurch, Inkberrow, Rowney Green, erm, Bell End, Fishponds, Upper Piddle, Wyre Piddle, all these sorts of places… ..just looking on the floor. For old bits of string and twine and sturdy weeds and vines. And then they would knit all these together, and they would make their own sex harness, just out of old rubbish from off the floor. And do you know what a sex harness made out of just all stuff off the floor in Worcestershire in 1937… That would have meant more to them than probably any possession any of you have ever had, or any feeling that any of you have ever had, or any thought that any of you have ever had, because you live, don’t you, in a time that is of no value and consequently you are of no value. You are like an empty husk, billowing across a desolate landscape, bereft of all sense and meaning, and you know it. And I remember talking… I remember talking to my grandad about this sort of thing. My grandad, and he said to me, he said it was different.” He said to me, in the ’30s, in rural Worcestershire, if he wanted a deluxe, latex, zip-up gimp mask for sex, a sex mask… It wasn’t like now, he couldn’t just go on Amazon and order a sex mask. What they had to do in the ’30s, in rural Worcestershire, if they wanted a sex mask, is they would have to walk. And they would walk and walk and walk, miles and miles and miles south from Kidderminster, down what is now the M5. You’ve got the M5, haven’t you? The M40 coming in here, the 42, Banbury way. The 50, Ross on Wye, South Wales, the M4 to Reading, Twyford… Course, back then, it was a leafy lane. But they’d get about halfway down there, where Droitwich, Junction 5, is now. And they’d go off east, not west, round the back of Frog Pond, Bromsgrove… East. Pershore. Erm, Evesham. Vale of Evesham. Where all the vegetables come from. And they would find the potato farm, and Gran would distract the potato farmer with rhetoric and dance. And Grandad would creep in the potato farm, and when he’s found hisself a potato sack, he’d empty all the potatoes out of it and then cut two eyeholes in it. And that was his sex mask, an old potato sack. And he’d put it on, and the hessian would gouge horrible wounds into his crying face. But that was their sex mask, the potato sack. And do you know what? A potato-sack sex mask from off the floor in rural Worcestershire in 1937, that would have meant more to them than… OK, what’s the most treasured possession you’ve got? “Oh, Stew, it’s a photo of our daughter the moment she was born.” Is it? Because that’s meaningless, isn’t it? Compared to a potato-sack sex mask… It is! Because what did you do with that image the moment you took it? You sent it off, didn’t you, to 200 people in your address book, 100 of whom you don’t really know, 50 of whom you actively despise, and every time that image lands, like a wet sock falling into a urinal, a layer of meaning is shaved off it, isn’t it? Shave off the meaning! Shave it all away! Until you’re left with a Turin shroud, gossamer-thin, tracing-paper imprint of this supposedly profound moment in your life that no longer has any value, because you’ve fucked all the meaning out of it again! APPLAUSE And these are the old stories the grandparents used to tell. You’re probably like me, Southend, your grandparents probably used to tell these old stories, and you used to think, didn’t you, “I must write them down, “or tape-record them before they’re all forgotten.” But we never do, do we? I actually did. In the 1970s, I tape-recorded all these old stories of my grandparents. But in the ’80s, when my brother-in-law moved in, he taped a Deacon Blue album over them. Right, that’s the first one of them. Well done. The second and final Deacon Blue joke is right up near the end of the show, but it isn’t the actual end of the show. I do it, and then there’s about 30 seconds more until the actual end of the show. So when you hear the second Deacon Blue joke, don’t go, “Oh, it’s finished now,” and start getting your coat on and wriggling around, just wait! So I was talking there about the S&M and the fetish scene, and it’s a mad, exaggerated example to choose, but it’s a good way, I think, of looking at how our access to information, our access to different cultures, has changed. And our grandparents and our great-grandparents did see incredible changes. My grandad was still around at the sort of start of the internet age, and I remember him talking to me about it. You know, he said he couldn’t believe it. And he did say to me once, he said that in the ’30s, in rural Worcestershire, if he did want to do S&M and fetish stuff… Seriously, I’m not doing a joke now, but he said it was…it was very different. I mean, he said to me, “We just couldn’t find the things, you know.” He said to me, for example, back then, if they wanted to do that sort of thing, you know, there was no Ann Summers deluxe, strawberry-flavoured sex lubricant gel, there was nothing like that. Well, there wasn’t. And all they had then, in the ’30s, in rural Worcestershire, if they wanted to do that sort of thing, was a big lump of dripping. And this was kept, wasn’t it, the dripping on a marble slab out the back, in the pantry, to keep it cool on the marble. And… Yeah, on the marble slab. It’s funny to you, because you think, “Oh, didn’t they have a fridge?” No, mate, they didn’t have a fridge, right? And, you know, maybe it was Christmas, and Grandad was in a good mood, and he’d go, “Come on, Gran, let’s have bondage sex.” Not his own gran, obviously, he wasn’t sick. That’s what he’d call his wife, because he was in love with her. And… They would get undressed there in the freezing-black darkness of the hovel they lived in, shivering and crying in the black dark, the flea bites bleeding all over them. They would put their potato-sack sex masks on. And the hessian would gouge horrible wounds into their faces. Weeping sores. And they’d be shivering and crying in the black dark, and bleeding. And all the while, trying to maintain a state of arousal. And doing it. Because, unlike your cosseted generation, they believed in something, they had values. Not like now. “I’m 33, I like bondage sex. “Get under the duvet where it’s warm, and I’ll harm you.” I’ve seen… I’ve seen where they lived, the wind howling through the cracks in the stonework, the floor just straw and mud and dung, animal dung, all the farm animals in there with them – sheep, goats, ducks. Some of the ducks were traumatised by the things they saw. They were laying square eggs for years afterwards. And then finally, Gran would go, “Now it’s time to go down “in the cellar and get the coal and light the fire “to put the dripping in the skillet to melt it down.” And Grandad would go down in the cellar, shivering and crying and naked and bleeding in the freezing-black dark, digging up the coal. The coal dust would billow up into his potato-sack sex mask, and he’d be coughing up huge, toxic black globs of poisonous black phlegm, and bleeding and crying in the frozen darkness, until finally the fire was lit. And then Gran would hold up the dripping… ..and at this point, she would always say the same thing to him, and when we were kids and she was telling us this story, we’d go, “Come on, Gran, say the dripping thing.” And she’d go, “No…” She’d have a bit of fun with it, you know. She’d go, “No, I can’t remember it.” And we’d go, “Come on, Gran, say the dripping thing.” “No, people don’t want to hear about that.” Christmas Day, six kids round the table, “Say it, Gran, say it, say the dripping thing, come on!” She’d hold up the dripping, and she’d said to Grandad, she’d say, “Now… “..here’s the dripping. “But remember, “before we melt this dripping down… “..as well as being a lubricant for your selfish pleasure… “..this dripping is also our dinner.” And they would have to make a choice, a very stark choice, a choice unlike any choice your cosseted, spoiled, lazy, facile generation will ever have to make. A choice between the pursuit of selfish pleasure and basic human sustenance and survival. I talked to my grandad years later, he said, if they did choose the pleasure route, if they were careful, they could normally scrape together enough of the dripping… AUDIENCE GROANS So, it’s an exaggerated story, that. They didn’t live in Kidderminster. They lived in Malvern Link, which is not as funny a name, is it? So I’ve changed it. Weird that, innit? Why is one name funny and another one’s not funny? What makes things funny? Well… ..if we knew the answer to that question… ..there’d be no need for this whole charade, would there? If you know what made things funny, you could stay at home, couldn’t you? Making yourselves laugh, instead of having to pay a professional to do it for you. And the under-40s have my sympathy, they’ve grown up thinking the values of the free market are normal, that everything’s up for sale and that we are all customers in a set of transactions, whose needs must be met. And everything is up for sale, isn’t it? The forests, national parks, education, health. You know, further education, for example, wasn’t supposed to be a transaction which increased the cash value of the customer in the job market place. Further education was supposed to be an opportunity to participate, ideally for no charge, in a quest to enlarge the global storehouse of all human understanding… ..admittedly whilst drinking heavily subsidised alcohol… ..and losing your virginity in a tower block named after Winnie Mandela. But we’re all customers now, whose needs must be met. And the best example of this customer mentality, I think, I saw on the guestbook of the TripAdvisor holiday review website. Now, I’ve got a ten-year-old boy and he’s a massive Doctor Who fan. And his favourite Doctor Who thing is not the multi-billion pound Doctor Who World place in Cardiff Bay. It’s a little museum in the cramped two-room cellar of a little cottage in the square of the Herefordshire market town of Bromyard. And this cellar is full of the eccentric owner’s mad collection of Doctor Who props and costumes and sets, all crammed in there. It’s called The Time Machine Doctor Who Museum. And all around Bromyard, there’s posters of the Tardis, it says, The Time Machine Doctor Who Museum, and it is made abundantly clear that The Time Machine Doctor Who Museum is an entirely Doctor Who-based museum. But… There is a one-star review of this Doctor Who museum on TripAdvisor. And it says… “The Time Machine Doctor Who Museum has very limited appeal, “except for Doctor Who fans.” “We were in and out in 25 minutes, “and that was after going round twice.” They went round twice. They went round once, and they couldn’t believe how little non-Doctor Who content there was in the Doctor Who Museum, thought if they went round again, they might see a diorama of the life of Isambard Kingdom Brunel, or an interactive display of the mating cycle of the Asian short-clawed otter. It’s a Doctor Who museum, you can’t complain that there was too much Doctor Who stuff in the Doctor Who museum. It’s not aimed at you, not everything’s aimed at you. It reminds me of an elderly relative who, on having gone to see Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s musical Cats, complained to me afterwards that she hadn’t been expecting it all to be just about cats. And a person under 40 came up to me after a gig and he said to me, “I didn’t really enjoy that, to be honest, mate.” And I said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it. “You just paid to see me, “and I AM me.” But we’ve turned away, it would seem to me, from the wider world. Everyone’s looking inwards, back through their own boundaries, back through their own borders. And you have to pay for everything now and nothing comes for free, except the last U2 album. Whether you wanted it or not, you know, like a Trojan virus. And I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to any of you now, because you all live in a reflecting hall of digital mirrors, made of Facebooks and Twitters and Snapchats and Instagrams and Deliveroos and selfies and Whassaps… You’re the kind of people who are run over by a bus because you were crossing the road whilst looking at a bus timetable app. And they say you shouldn’t keep dolphins in concrete tanks, because the endless sound of their own sonar bouncing back at them eventually drives them mad, like someone locked in an aluminium-lined cell, listening to an endless loop of every ill-considered 2am tweet they ever sent out. And that is you, you are the mental dolphins of now. Inward looking, self-obsessed people with no attention span, hurling yourselves fatally out of your tanks in the self-inflicted wounds of your imagined democratic choices. And it’s no surprise to me that you’ve all gone mad, because you’ve all got phones on you all the time, haven’t you? With cameras, and you all take photos all the time, don’t you, of your face, over and over again. Your face. Your face. Your face. Your face. Why? Surely you all know what your own faces look like now? And your entire online digital history is just an endless succession of images of your face obscuring an endless succession of things that are all more interesting than your face. Here’s me at Stonehenge. Here’s me at the Taj Mahal. Here’s me at the Deacon Blue reunion concert. CHEERING And I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to you, or what anyone is supposed to say to anyone. Because nothing that anyone could ever have to say could possibly be as interesting as the ongoing, moment-by-moment documentation of your entire lives. And so, when I look at this painting… APPLAUSE Caspar David Friedrich’s 1818 German romantic masterpiece, Wanderer Above A Sea Of Fog, I see a man like me, 200 years ago now, looking out into the world and trying to make sense of it, and his place in it, instead of just using it as a backdrop for his own narcissism. But this, this is you now… APPLAUSE Do you think that it could be said you are projecting your own narcissism onto the entire rest of modern culture? Yeah, I mean, they could say that, and I was worried that someone would think that, because it’s arguably true. But I don’t give them time to make that conclusion, because as soon as the blackout’s had just a second to register, I fling the lights up, play really loud music, and run away. That’s very courageous of you, Stewart. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World (2012) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-carpet-remnant-world-transcript/

(’70s GERMAN ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to enter the Carpet Remnant World of Stewart Lee! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) That was a bit heavy metal, rock and roll that. Can we have some funny music at the start of the second half? Yup. Thanks for coming. (LAUGHTER) Okay. What news do you know about? Leveson Inquiry. That’s ongoing. News of the World went down. I was sorry to see The News of the World go down. I think it was a great campaigning newspaper. Not everything I say is sarcastic, Sheffield. Who can forget the News of the World’s high-profile campaign against child sex offenders which led, didn’t it, to News of the World readers burning down the home of a paediatrician. (LAUGHTER) Throwing rocks at a pedalo. (LAUGHTER) And stamping on a centipede. (LAUGHTER) Top-of-the-show pedophile jokes going down well. Good to have been on television and finally managed to attract so much of Jimmy Carr’s audience. The show’s not aimed at you, don’t come again. (LAUGHTER) I’m trying to find out what news you know about so I can weave stories into a seamless two-hour narrative-driven whole. A seamless narrative-driven whole. You have to do that, I think… If you’re a name comic out doing a long theatre show, you just can’t go out and do 90-minutes of unrelated little gags that you can subsequently chop up into smaller parcels and resell to Mock the Week and Live at the Apollo. Oh, yeah. You can do that, can’t you? (LAUGHTER) So what news do you know about? I think the funniest news story at the moment is the trial of the Norwegian Neo-Nazi mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik. You’re going, “Hang on, there’s nothing funny about that, Stew.” But there is and, erm, (LAUGHTER) it’s this. That on his website, Anders Behring Brievik, the Norwegian Neo-Nazi mass murderer, has written this genuine sentence. “Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear (LAUGHTER) “is one of the few programmes worth watching on the BBC.” (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) I know. Now very rarely do you see a better example of what philosophers call the banality of evil. And remember all that’s required for Jeremy Clarkson to triumph is that Richard Hammond do nothing. (LAUGHTER) Remember when Jeremy Clarkson made those jokes about shooting strikers and everyone complained? There was a guy from the Daily Telegraph went on the Channel 4 News to defend him and he said, “Come on,” he said, “it was just a joke,” he said. “It’s not as if a Jeremy Clarkson fan has ever gone out and shot anyone.” (LAUGHTER) I thought, “Well, there was that one guy, “the mass murderer.” Poor old Colonel Gaddafi had a bad year last year, didn’t he? The Libyans got fed up of their leader, pulled him out of a sewer, shot him in the face, mutilated the anus of his corpse with a knife and chucked him in a meat refrigeration unit, but they did that off their own backs, didn’t they, the Libyans. No one made them do it. They did it entirely voluntarily of their own initiative. What better example is there of the big society in action? (LAUGHTER) Will the big society work? Whether we think so depends on our immediate experience of society around us. Now of course, David Cameron thinks a big society will work because he lives in a nice little village in Oxfordshire, Witney, and all of four times a year, all the local people in Witney, that’s David Cameron, Jeremy Clarkson, Rebekah Brooks, and the cheese bloke from Blur, (LAUGHTER) they all get together voluntarily. They go out and they clear out the waste ground in the village, big society in action. Now I know that big society will work because where I live in Hackney, in East London, last August, all the local Turkish shopkeepers went out onto Dalston high road and attacked the rioters with kebab knives. (LAUGHTER) Now this show is called, Carpet Remnant World. Now since I’ve been on the telly, I’m picking up a lot of stragglers, people who don’t normally come and see me. This is twice as many people as I’ve played to in Sheffield before here tonight and the kind of people that come and see people just off the telly, the kind of shows you go and see by comics, they’re normally called things like “Laughtime” aren’t they, or “Joke-A-Rama 6”. Something like that. Now if you’ve seen me before, and I hope you have, I don’t like new people coming. (LAUGHTER) Er… You’ll know… What… My shows, they tend to be a relationship between the title and the content. That’s the bare minimum of what you should offer, I think. Not so much this year, though. It’s not really come together very well, this show. It was supposed to be about idealised notions of society and how we behave as collective groups and… But I’ve been a bit busy with one thing or another. It’s not really worked. So, but what I will do is about five minutes from the end, I, at about 10:00, I will… I will repeat the phrase “Carpet Remnant World” over some music and that will give the illusion of structure. (LAUGHTER) And big laughs down here, for that, people down here. The people who bought tickets first, they’ve seen me before. They’re going, “Of course there’ll be content and structure. “We’ve seen him before. This is a comedic double bluff. Ha-ha”, right? But up there, there’s a lot of people they don’t really know what they’ve come to. They’ve come… Friends have brought them, the very worst… Couple of people that like me, they’ve gone, “Let’s get Gene and Chris to come as well.” And they’ve not… They’ve come and they don’t know who I am and they’ve been whispering all through it up there, in the top bit there. Like, “Is this who you wanted to see?” (LAUGHTER) “it seems like an aggressive lecture.” (LAUGHTER) it’s very strong, we’ll grant you that. That whispering doubt, that will spread all around the top balcony up there. And there will be no one laughing up there by the end because of people bringing their friends. I was quite happy with one night in Sheffield, to be honest, because when you’ve brought friends along and you can feel it’s not as good as it was last time, which is a shame because we’re filming it tonight. So thanks. (LAUGHTER) You know, being on… I won some awards but that doesn’t help, British Comedy Awards. Because people go, “Oh, he’s won an award, we’ll enjoy that.” You won’t. (LAUGHTER) Winning a British Comedy Award is like having a big sign put over your head saying “Hey, dicks, come to this.” (LAUGHTER) What can you do, though? You can’t stop people coming. (LAUGHTER) it’ll be all right. It’s strong down here. I’ll just… I won’t even look up there. (LAUGHTER) So we’ll press on into the void. (LAUGHTER) I thought I’d record this here because last time I was in this theatre it was really fantastic but the audience is… We got two nights now. More people come, but you can see it’s a worse kind of person, isn’t it? (LAUGHTER) Shame. (LAUGHTER) To have gone to all this trouble with all these cameras. “Oh, come to Sheffield, it was brilliant last time.” You know, it was, but… it’s all right, innit? it’s not… (LAUGHTER) Going well down here, innit? But up there. These people down here are thinking, “Oh, that’s the kind of thing he does. “Mucks about like this. It’ll be all right.” And up there there’s people going, “I’ve not seen him before. “He doesn’t seem to be able to do standup.” (LAUGHTER) I can. I can do it really well, actually. I’m really good at it. I’m so good at it that one of the things I do, is I make it look like I can’t do it, but I can. And if you’re sitting there having been brought by friends thinking, “Oh, he can’t do it.” The question you have to… I’ve been on stage thousands of times literally. The question you have to ask yourselves up there, people’s friends, is how many times have you been to standup and what kind of acts have you seen? It’s maybe four or five times. You haven’t seen the right sorts of people. You’ve got no context for me. So you’re not in any position to have an opinion about it. (LAUGHTER) Good, that’s warmed the room up. (LAUGHTER) it’ll be all right, don’t worry about it. Okay. So on May the second, last year, I was driving along the M4, that’s what I mainly do now. I mainly drive around on motorways or look after my kids, that’s why I have not had really enough time to make this show good. So I was driving on the M4, it was the day Bin Laden was shot by the Americans and there were all different Americans coming on the radio talking about what they thought about it and it made me think: what we like, collective groups of people, here in society. Here’s four real quotes by real Americans on May the second, the day Bin Laden was shot. This first guy, he’s called Thomas Cox, he’s a construction worker, talking in Times Square on Radio 4, and he said, “I made Photoshop pictures of the Statue of Liberty “holding Osama’s bloody severed head “and handed them out to the crowd. It’s payback.” (LAUGHTER) it’s not, is it? The payback for Osama surely was being shot in the face at pointblank range. Thomas Cox’s offensive collage… (LAUGHTER) It merely adds insult to injury. (LAUGHTER) Bin Laden was buried at sea, you’ll remember. This Thomas Cox goes on, he says, “We should have mounted his head on a spike. “I am hoping that the fish and the crabs are having a good…” (LAUGHTER) That’s never got a laugh before. I’m glad we came to Sheffield. After all, people found the combination of fish and crab amusing here in a way that no other British city has. (LAUGHTER) Erm… It was worth it… But only down here. The people up there… People there, “Fish and crab, who cares?” He said… There isn’t time to improvise tonight, unfortunately, we’re filming it, so I just move on. Otherwise, I could have got 10 minutes out of that fish and crab bit. (LAUGHTER) Hello, Michael? Yes. Are you bringing the Roadshow here to Sheffield? Yeah, fish and crab stuff, they love it. (LAUGHTER) I basically go everywhere first and I sound it out for him. He ignores what I say. (LAUGHING) He, erm… “We should have mounted his head on a spike.” He said, “I’m hoping that the fish and the crabs are having…” No. See, second time… (LAUGHTER) Yeah, only once, though, only once. Don’t milk it. Paul Tonkinson will sort it out for you, all right. Erm… “We should have mounted his head on a spike. “I’m hoping the fish and the crabs are having a good meal on his eyeballs.” Now, it’s a very apposite quote that because as you all know, under Sharia law, if a Muslim man is buried at sea, it is required that their body be protected from the attentions of fish, and I think it was that that this Thomas Cox was alluding to there. (LAUGHTER) If you’ve not seen me before, I don’t think that, I think the opposite of that. (LAUGHTER) Okay? That’s one of the things I do, I… I make a very bold statement about something, but the implication is actually the opposite of… I’m gonna do that about six times tonight, and then later on, about 9:45, I’ll go on about something for too long. (LAUGHTER) That will be later, all right. Now, this next quote from an American called Steven Reginella, again on Radio 4 in Times Square, and he said, “They should have brought Bin Laden’s body here “and hung it from the lamppost. “In fact, they should have roasted him here like a chicken, (LAUGHTER) “so he would have seen what it felt like.” (LAUGHTER) it’s all over the place now, innit? “They should have brought Bin Laden’s body here,” alive, presumably, “and hung it from the lamppost.” What lamppost is that? The New York City designated corpse-roasting lamppost. Who should have done that? They should. Who are they? The New York City designated corpse-roasting team. They don’t do a lot of corpse roasting. Their duties mainly entail maintenance of the corpse-roasting lamppost. “Roast him like a chicken, so he would have seen what it felt like.” (LAUGHTER) “There you are, Bin Laden, on the lamppost, roasting, yeah. ‘Can you see what that feels like?” (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) “I can f… I can f… I can feel what it feels like.” (LAUGHTER) “That wasn’t the question. What… “What if we hold this mirror up, a full-length mirror? (LAUGHTER) “Can you see what it feels like now?” (LAUGHTER) “I can see what it looks like?” (LAUGHTER) “This is exactly the kind of unhelpful behaviour we would expect…” Roasted like a chicken. Why? We’ve all roasted a chicken at some point in our lives, haven’t we? No need for this kind of frontier justice, is there? He didn’t have any issues with chickens, did he? Bin Laden? It was the West that he hated, wasn’t it? And our values, not chicken. Imagine if he had hated chickens, Bin Laden. And he deployed the same level of firepower over a 10-year period to the eradication of poultry that he had to Western Democratic systems. I’m not an expert but I think we’d be looking at a very different global geopolitical setup. (LAUGHTER) Again, the laughs are down here for that, aren’t they? Up there, the people down here. People up there going, “What are they laughing at down there?” I’ll tell you. I said, (LAUGHTER) if he’d hated chickens, we’d be looking at a very different global geopolitical setup. And the people down here, I think, they just thought for a second about what that would be like. (LAUGHTER) They imagined it in their own heads. I don’t know what they imagined. Chickens on fire, I don’t know. But the important thing, people’s friends who’ve come by mistake, is they put in an extra bit of effort and they got more laughs out of that in their own heads, but you just sat up there, didn’t you, going, “He’s finished saying that.” (LAUGHTER) Then you had a little think, didn’t you, about something else. “Oh, £90,000 for an apartment in the park.” And then you went, “Oh, what’s… I wonder what he’ll say now.” (LAUGHTER) But you… I don’t… What… I don’t… if you’re sitting there, I’m not one of these who’s gonna act things out. I just do a gag, and I just leave it and I walk away from it, I let people make of it what they will, you know. There’s not… Do you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER) To raise your game. (LAUGHTER) This next quote from an American was on the YouTube. You’ve seen that, where the people film themselves talking. This is an American lady talking to the camera. She said, “I so happy Osama be dead, “I climb stoplight and show my two titties at the crowd. (LAUGHTER) “Everyone be cheering. Everyone be whistling. “I so happy Osama be dead. “My titties be pretty big titties, too. “Osama one holy motherfucker, but he a man, “and I-a say-a he’d-a got a kick “out-a these hot titties.” (LAUGHTER) Word. (LAUGHTER) This last one, this was on the YouTube, as well. A chap running around in one of the big towns there waving a flag, and he said, “They should get Max Hardcore out of jail…” I didn’t know who Max Hardcore was when I heard this quote. He’s a bloke. He’s in violent American pornography. And I didn’t know who he was, so I looked him up on the Internet. Now I’m on the sex offenders registry. (LAUGHTER) Max Har… Max Hardcore. I thought he was just a very efficient builder. (LAUGHTER) This is what he… “They should get Max Hardcore out of jail “to Reverse Cowgirl Osama’s body on the White House lawn. “Max would tear that Muslim faggot’s dead body a new hole. “Know what I’m saying? They should get Max “to Reverse Cowgirl him on the White House lawn “and FedEx the tapes to his family saying, ‘Look at this, you gay cunts. (LAUGHTER) “‘Fuck with America, you’re fucking with God. “‘Prepare to have your assholes ripped open.”‘ (LAUGHTER) I know, it’s amazing. Amazing quote. Now, I don’t think it’s fair to make hard-and-fast generalisations about a whole society based on just four random quotes. But if I was gonna do that… I’d say what have we learned about America from these four quotes? It’s a coun… it’s obsessed with its own blind patriotism, with its own religious fundamentalism, with sexualised violence, and there’s a weird homophobic undercurrent going through some of those quotes, as well. Interesting thing about those four quotes. The second interesting thing about those four quotes, I think, is that of those four quotes, only two of them were made up by me. (LAUGHTER) Such is the depth of your blind anti-American prejudice. (LAUGHTER) You’ve got no idea which ones they are. “They could all be true, Stew! “And if they’re not they should be because that’s what they’re like!” (LAUGHTER) Making stuff up, making up quotes, not good enough, is it? But you know, what can I do? I’ve got nothing. I drive around and look after kids, I’ve got nothing. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, that’s enough making fun of America and the West. It’s time now to mock Islam and to ridicule individual Muslims. (LAUGHTER) People are very keen on that now. In comedy there was a big piece in the Daily Mail in December by Jan Moir saying there’s not enough anti-Islamic standup in Britain at the moment. Of course, they’re very keen on balance at the Daily Mail. It’s been a watch-word of the paper going way back to the 1930s. (MILD LAUGHTER) I know, it’s a good joke. No one gets it. -(LAUGHTER) – So… it’s an occupational hazard of standup now if you do a joke about anything. And you don’t immediately follow it up with a joke about Islam. People are, “What’s wrong with him?” These are the kind of e-mails you get. This sort of thing. “Dear BBC, I enjoyed Stewart Lee’s making fun “of Chris Moyles on TV last night “and I look forward to him mocking the Prophet Mohammed “in the same way next week. (LAUGHTER) “Yours, Norris McWhirter. (LAUGHTER) “Nuremberg.” (LAUGHTER) Another one here. “Dear BBC, “I enjoyed watching Stewart Lee making jokes “about crisps last night, “but I doubt we will be seeing him having a go “at any Muslim snacks in the near future. (LAUGHTER) “On the politically correct BBC, “it appears there’s one law for crisps, (LAUGHTER) “and quite another for those mini poppadom things “that they sell in Marks & Spencer’s. (LAUGHTER) “Yours, Norris McWhirter. (LAUGHTER) “Argentina.” Yeah. Well, it’s a later postmark. So, erm… I know, they don’t get it. It’s time… (LAUGHTER) So time to ridicule the Muslim now, in accordance with the Daily Mail‘s demands, and the Muslim we’re gonna be ridiculing tonight is called Mohammed al-Qubaisi. He’s from Dubai, he’s one of the top Muslim guys out there. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, people down there are laughing at that, as well they should because, of course, in Islam, there is no pyramid power structure. (LAUGHTER) So succession of Imams, er, Imams, all with equal power, so the idea of a top Muslim is… (LAUGHTER) Now, anyway this is what he said. Mohammed al-Qubaisi about Bin Laden being buried at sea. He said, “They can say they buried him at sea, “but they cannot say they did it according to Islam. “Sea burials are permissible for Muslims “in extraordinary circumstances only, “and this is not one of them.” (LAUGHTER) Let’s have a quick recap on those circumstances. (LAUGHTER) Osama Bin Laden was shot in the face at pointblank range in front of his family after a possibly illegal American incursion into Pakistani airspace following a 10-year campaign to bring him to justice for flying two hijacked, fully-laden passenger aircraft into the World Trade Center killing literally thousands and thousands of people. What has made this Mohammed al-Qubaisi so jaded? (LAUGHTER) that this does not fit his definition of extraordinary circumstances? What a jaded, jaded man, Sheffield. Not the sort of man you’d wanna have to organise a surprise birthday party for. (LAUGHTER) So that’s the Muslim ridiculed. Time now for some anti-Islamic standup. Jan Moir in the Daily Mail says there’s not enough standup at Islam. There’s loads, actually, if you think about it. There’s Roy “Chubby” Brown, your spiritual king in this region. He, er… (LAUGHTER) He goes round and round doing loads. And Tim Minchin’s done stuff about Islam to stadiums full of people. Of course there’s dozens of British comics of an Islamic background talking about it all the time night after night. So I think really there’s so much standup about Islam, I don’t really know what to bring to the table, so what I’ve been trying to do on this tour is something that has not been done before, I’ve been trying to do observational comedy. Yeah. That’s kind of BBC One, ITV One, sort of. “Oh, look at that,” kind of stuff. (LAUGHTER) I’ve been trying to do observational comedy of a specifically anti-Islamic bent. Yeah. Anti-Islamic observational comedy. I’ve had some good reviews for that. People going, “Brilliant! “Like Islamophobic Michael Mclntyre!” That was good. “Superb! The John Bishop of cultural relativism.” (LAUGHTER) So, here we are now, Sheffield, with some anti-Islamic observational comedy. Anti-Islamic observational comedy. Observational comedy. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) (LEE SIGHS) (MIC POPS) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (LOUD LAUGHTER) (SIGHS) (LAUGHTER) Have you seen these Muslims they have now? (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) That’s the end of that bit. (LAUGHTER) People up there are going, “Oh, now it’s picking up.” (LAUGHTER) I’ve got three, erm, anti-Islamic one-liners now that I’m hoping to sell on to Roy “Chubby” Brown. Here they are. (IMITATING BROWN) “Hey, you know, one in two kids born in Britain today is called Mohammad. “And that’s just the girls. I’ve not got the exact figures.” (LAUGHTER) (IMITATING BROWN) “Did you know one in two Islamic hate preachers in Britain today “has got a hook for his hand. I’ve done no research.” (LAUGHTER) (IN HIS OWN VOICE) Do you know one in two people claiming to be a spokesperson for the entire British-Muslim community is, in fact, the unelected leader of a non-democratic special-interest fringe group given ideas above its station by a misguided New Labour community bridge-building initiative? (LAUGHTER) Some laughs. A lot of people going, “What was that? What was that supposed to be?” (LAUGHTER) I’ll tell you what that was, my come-in-error friends, that was the best joke about Islam in Britain anyone has ever done. That’s what that was. It was even-handed. It was informed. It’s what you say you want, isn’t it? You go, “Do stuff about Islam!” I just did. “Not like that, Stew. (LAUGHTER) “Not where you have to know anything. (LAUGHTER) “When we said do stuff about Islam, we meant make fun of their hats.” (LAUGHTER) What can I do? I got nothing. You know, I drive around. I look after kids. I got nothing. But fair enough, for not laughing at that. it’s an edgy subject. It makes people uncomfortable. You’re thinking, “Where is this going?” If you got stuff that makes people uncomfortable what they say on the comedy course is now, they say, take the curse off it. Take the edge off it. Personalise it, yeah? Make it personal to you. So I was walking around with my son, who’s real. (LAUGHTER) I walking around where I live with my son and there was a Muslim lady coming on the road towards us. It’s a very cosmopolitan area, where I live in London, very cosmopolitan area. (MILD LAUGHTER) No, it is. My, er… (LAUGHTER) My dentist… it’s a very cosmopolitan area. My dentist is actually a lesbian. (LAUGHTER) At least, I assume she’s a lesbian because, er, she had me out under general anaesthetic and when I came around, I hadn’t been sexually assaulted. (LAUGHTER) There was some rectal bleeding. (LAUGHTER) You expect that at my age, obviously. (LAUGHTER) Different pockets of laughs, weren’t there, throughout that joke. (LAUGHTER) But never a point where the whole theatre laughed as one. Why not? Not a very good joke, that’s why. (LAUGHTER) Let’s go back over it and see what was wrong with it. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, now it wasn’t clear, was it? What the point of it is. (LAUGHTER) What was I saying? Was I saying, “Hey, guess what? “I’m so attractive my dentist must be a lesbian, otherwise she would have sexually assaulted me when I was unconscious”? Was that the joke? Some people thought so. Or was the joke that I was implying that all dentists are indiscriminate sexual predators. (LAUGHTER) It wasn’t clear, not everyone laughed. So what I did, I don’t know if you noticed, I put an extra bit on the end, didn’t I, about rectal bleeding. (LAUGHTER) And for a lot of you that just tipped the joke over, didn’t it? To be funny enough to laugh at. And that’s an old standup trick, we all do that. If you watch a lot of standup, you see we all do it. Got a joke, not funny enough, put an extra bit on the end about anal rape or rectal bleeding (LAUGHTER) and that will just nudge it into being funny. Old standup trick, extra bit on the end, anal rape, rectal bleeding. We have a name for that technique in the trade, we call it Boyle’s Law. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, I was walking along where I live with my son. He’s 4 years old. There’s a Muslim lady coming towards us. Full burka, just her eyes showing and my son, he’s 4. He meant nothing by this. He looked at her and then he said to me, “ls that a ghost?” Right? I thought, “What are you gonna say? What am I gonna say?” So I said to him, “No, it isn’t a ghost. “It’s a lady. She’s religious and she believes in God “and she believes that God wants her to cover her face.” I thought, “That’s all right, say that.” And then my son said, “Why?” (LAUGHTER) It was at that point that I realised I’d reached the limit of my knowledge of Islam. (LAUGHTER) Don’t really know any more about it than that, and the killings and stuff, and neither do you, do you? You don’t know anything about it either. Even those of you of Islamic background are normally quite hazy (LAUGHTER) about the details when pressed. And that’s why it’s so difficult to do jokes with any real depth on the subject. Because there isn’t really enough of a shared collective pool of knowledge between performer and audience to be able to move off the most obvious areas really. So stop sending me your stupid fucking e-mails. (LAUGHTER) “Why?” That’s always the terrible moment in parenting, isn’t it, if you’ve got kids. “Why?” Now, normally, I just say, “Because I say so,” and I leave it at that. But that wouldn’t work in this situation, if you think about it. (LAUGHTER) “God wants her to cover her face.” “Why, Dad?” (LAUGHTER) “Because I say so.” That’s handing a child a lifetime of psychological illness, isn’t it? Forty years later, he’s in therapy. (IN GERMAN ACCENT) “When did you first decide that your father had power over the gods?” (LAUGHTER) Always Spanish, aren’t they, those blokes. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, you like that! The switcheroo! (LAUGHTER) He sounded German, it turned out he was Spanish. (LAUGHTER) Not impossible, is it? Could have been born in Spain, trained in Germany, come over here to work. (LAUGHTER) Maybe it’s not such a funny situation after all. You have to watch out, some of the jokes are traps. (LAUGHTER) They are not meant to be laughed at. You walked into it. (LAUGHTER) Why? I mean, 10 years ago I wouldn’t have faffed around trying to say the right thing. I’d just have said to him, “it’s because she’s religious “and that’s the same as being mentally ill.” (LAUGHTER) But the problem is now, right, my wife, his mother, who I love, she’s proper religious kinda church Catholic. So these days, I have to maintain a gossamer-thin false veil (LAUGHTER) of painfully begrudged tolerance for people’s mad beliefs. (LAUGHTER) (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) If I wanted to make me a fucking sandwich. (AS ANNOUNCER) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Just for Laughs, the 95th Montreal International Comedy Festival, bringing you the best of North American standup. (AMERICAN ACCENT) So I said to my wife, “Shut up, bitch! “Suck my dick, lick my ass “and make me a fucking sandwich!” (LAUGHTER) That’s all it is for two weeks. (LAUGHTER) First week in English, second week in French. (LAUGHTER) Weirdly, in French, that sentence sounds rather delightful. (LAUGHTER) Listen. (LAUGHTER) “Tais-toi, salope. (LAUGHTER) “Caresse mon cu! avec ta langue, (LAUGHTER) “caresse ma bitte avec tes lévres, (LAUGHTER) “et quand tu as fini, sois gentille “et fais-moi un putain de delicieuse baguette (LAUGHTER) “Et en plus, je saignat de mon anus. ” (LAUGHTER) No? (LAUGHTER) – Right. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Heh, er… Okay, usually when we’re not filming the show, that joke goes so well that I end the first half on that. (LAUGHTER) “Je saignat de mon anus. ” People, “Yeah! Brilliant.” (LAUGHTER) Callback in French. Applause. People go, “Yeah!” And I go, “Yeah, that’s the end of that.” (LAUGHTER) You can’t end it like that, can you? You can’t end it with 500 Sheffield people just looking at you. (LAUGHTER) Can I have about five minutes, yeah? We got enough tape. (LAUGHTER) Right, okay. I’m gonna explain what the joke is. I’m gonna do it again. (LAUGHTER) Because I want to end… I want to… You know I said I wasn’t gonna do anything differently just because we’re filming it? I am gonna do this differently because it’d be really awkward, you know. It’s been a high point, that side of Sheff… I don’t know. Okay. (LAUGHTER) “Je saignat de mon anus, ” right? That is a callback to the idea that you put a bit about rectal bleeding on the end of a joke to… “Je saignat de mon anus” that’s, “I’m bleeding from my anus” in French, right? And it was about three minutes ago, the set-up for that. (LAUGHTER) I tell you what… I got this comic, Hils Barker, to translate that, and she said, Je saignat de mon “an-nu”. And I said to her, I’m gonna say “ay-nus”. Because then people will have no excuse for not… (LAUGHTER) We don’t do languages here, so… Erm… Even if it’s obvious what the words mean. It’s a point of principle. Erm… (LAUGHS) Er… Okay, it doesn’t matter, but… (LAUGHTER) Forget that. We’ll dub a big… You’ll see this when it’s made. There’ll be a huge laugh dubbed on. It won’t matter. (LAUGHTER) I’ll cut away to a football stadium of people. (LAUGHTER) I’ll get some footage from Michael McIntyre’s video, cut it in. (LAUGHTER) Okay, the worry is, though, that there is a whole second half to come, right, (LAUGHTER) and that was just three minutes, that callback. And the problem is the second half is all things that relate back to the first half. (LAUGHTER) And I don’t know if up there, you’ve been… I don’t know what’s gone in. I think the problem is that (LAUGHTER) people today, especially young people actually, you’re used to watching little tiny things on your phones and stuff, aren’t you, and short things. This isn’t a succession of moments. This show is a continuum, right, it’s like a narrative. So it’s not, like… When I’ve said something, you can’t go, “Oh, he said that, I’ll erase that from my mind.” You might come back… it’s like if you meet someone in life. You’re not, “I’ve met them, I’ll forget them now.” (LAUGHTER) Well, anyway, so… And I don’t know what’s gone in, it doesn’t matter but if… I don’t… I really wanted to film this here, because it was so good here before and I don’t know what’s happened tonight. it’s okay, but it’s not… So I’m just gonna go back… I’m just gonna go back over the first half. (LAUGHTER) Not every line of it! I’m just gonna flag up things that you should have noticed. (LAUGHTER) And then when we get to edit this, if the second half is still not really good, I won’t be looking and thinking, “Oh, I could have…” I’ll have done whatever I could have done, yeah, to… (LAUGHTER) You with it? Okay, so I… I came out, didn’t I, at the beginning. (LAUGHTER) I did. (LAUGHTER) Remember when there was no one here? (LAUGHTER) And then I was here, that’s when I came out. (LAUGHTER) I know you didn’t… Because you were talking with your friend. Going, “Oh… “I went down to The Moor today.” (LAUGHTER) With me, I think about everything, and there was loud rock music. Amon Duul II, that was, from Germany. And I went, “Oh don’t…” I went, “Oh, don’t play that. That’s too loud.“ Play something funny in the second half. I always get them to play that music. (LAUGHTER) it’s setting up a joke for the start of the second half. You’ll see when I come back on. (LAUGHTER) So I came out and I talked about… I did sort of topical stuff, didn’t I, about five minutes of topical stuff. I expect some of you were going, “We don’t need to listen to this. “It’s sort of warm-up stuff.” You’re very wrong because it was. it’s… (LAUGHTER) It looked very casual, didn’t it? “And what about this bit of news?” But it all was about ideas of idealised societies, wasn’t it, if you think about it. And that’s what I wanted you to log from that. I don’t know if that went in. Then I did about 10 minutes, I read out things other people said in a sarcastic voice and it was funny. (LAUGHTER) Yes, it was, you all laughed. (LAUGHTER) You can’t go, “That’s all it was,” and withdraw your laughter. You can’t. Then I did about 15 minutes on something funny my son said, didn’t I? That was about Islam, it was quite interesting. But at the end of the day, what kind of a routine was that? Oh, dear, it was a Don’t Kids Say The Funniest Things? routine. (LAUGHTER) And if you’re a 44-year-old standup and you’re in Sheffield on a Friday night talking about something funny your kid said, you should kill yourself right there. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) But what can I do? I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no stuff. I drive around, I look after kids. I’ve got nothing. I have no experiences. I don’t know about anything to talk about. I drive round and round. Hundred and fifty nights I was on the road last year, you know. I’m not complaining. I’m very lucky to be able to do this and I enjoy performing, you know. Not tonight, obviously. (LAUGHTER) it’s not enjoyable. It’s interesting. Not enjoyable. It’s like being trapped in a thicket. (LAUGHTER) Trying to get out, you know. It’s an interesting problem. It’s not fun, is it? Hundred and fifty nights and I… You know, I used to like that in the ’80s, going around, but now, everywhere is the same, you know. Sheffield is quite interesting. It keeps changing. It’ll be nice when you’ve decided what it’s supposed to be, I think. (LAUGHTER) That place, The Park, I remember when that was awful. That’s brilliant now, isn’t it? You know, you never know… But most places are just… They’re all the same now. There’s an old bit that was like a Victorian slum, that’s now the bit everyone wants to live in. Then there’s a ’70s bit that was the bit everyone liked in the ’70s is now the bit everyone hates. And in that bit, there’s a Poundland, a Superdrug and a branch of The Works. (LAUGHTER) In every town. And The Works, to be honest, that’s the only thing to me that’s interesting about travelling around Britain now, going in The Works. Because you never have any idea what’s gonna be in The Works. (LAUGHTER) Sort of stocked at random. (LAUGHTER) it’s nominally a bookshop, but it appears to be run by people who have a deep-seated suspicion of books. (LAUGHTER) And they’ll do anything they can to stock anything other than a book. (LAUGHTER) You go in The Works, “ls this a bookshop?” “Yes.” “Have you got Ragnarok, by A.S. Byatt. It’s won lots of awards?” “No.” (LAUGHTER) “Have you got this new book, Savage Continent, “about the aftermath of World War II? It’s been…” “No, no.” “Have you got any novels by Dan Rhodes? He has a new novel out. “A novelist. Everyone thinks he’s good.” “No.” “Have you got a triple pack of 1930s Belgian horror films, (LAUGHTER) “a 1998 Richard Bacon calendar, (LAUGHTER) “and a papier-maché Make Your Own Concentration Camp craft book? (LAUGHTER) “Oh, we’ve got them, yeah. “And they’re on a three for the price of two offer at the moment.” Apart from The Works, going around the country is just… Going back to the same places year after year, it makes you feel… Twenty-five years makes you think about your own mortality, your own life. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. My dad, for example. My dad is dead now, but my dad was a rep for a cardboard company. And he spent 50 years driving around the motorways, showing people samples of cardboard. Not real cardboard, obviously. Samples of what cardboard could be like. (LAUGHTER) I think about him, I think about me. I’ve spent 25 years driving around the motorways showing people samples of jokes. (LAUGHTER) Not, er… (LAUGHTER) Do you see how impossible it is to work this room? Because I… No… You can’t because… Down here, I don’t even need to finish that joke off. They… They’ve thought, “Oh, yeah, samples of jokes. “That will be the same as samples of cardboard. “Samples of what jokes could be like.” But up there, you’re just going, “Why is he talking about cardboard?” it’s actually not do-able. (LAUGHTER) There’s very… Because down here, this is like a vision of a… This is what it could be like, you know? (LAUGHTER) Where you don’t… You’re not like some dick, like, doing jokes, you’re just putting an idea out there and they play around with it and it comes back to you. It’s like a dialogue, like a vision of a Utopian… And then up there… (LAUGHTER) it’s never gonna be that because of… it’s extremely fru… Particularly tonight, it’s frustrating that this would happen when it’s being filmed, because you can feel… This could be the best… It is within sight of being the best standup that’s ever been filmed. (LAUGHTER) But it won’t be because about a third of the room… That’s why I came back here. I love this theatre. This is the… Two or three years ago this was the biggest room I’d ever played. I thought, “I’ll go to Sheffield, I’ll do it there.” And it’s not… it’s… What’s so frustrating, twenty-five years and I have been… Every year, I build up, getting them people. I don’t know what’s gone wrong. I don’t know what’s gone wrong. (LAUGHTER) You can feel, down here, it’s like a different thing. You can feel down here. I wish I was dead. (LAUGHTER) Not dead. I wish I was a dead comedian. Because you love dead comedians, don’t you, all of you. You love the dead comedians, don’t you? Oh, Frank Carson. Oh, dead. Brilliant, Frank Carson. He’s dead. Oh, Ken Goodwin. Oh, dead Ken Goodwin. Oh, he’s brilliant. The middle class people. Oh, dead Bill Hicks. Oh, Bill Hicks. Dead Bill Hicks. Oh, he was brilliant. I wish I was dead Bill Hicks. (LAUGHTER) I wish I could be judged on two hours of material. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Lazy, dead, fat Bill Hicks. It’d be easy to be dead Bill… it’s easy being dead. (LAUGHTER) The hard thing, if you’re a comedian, is to stay alive. (LAUGHTER) People knocking out a new two hours every year, gradually decreasing the quality of your own obituary. (LAUGHTER) This is an incredibly frustrating situation for the… To be filming tonight and to have this… It makes me feel impotent, you know. Powerless. No control. Of course, my wife wants me to have a vasectomy. (LAUGHTER) Though even she admits there isn’t really any pressing need. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES, APPLAUSE) Do you feel… When you’ve been married a long time, anyone, do you feel that your partner stops viewing you as a sexual being? Do you find that? Sheffield? (LAUGHTER) I do. (LAUGHTER) As an example of what I mean, I’ve been married seven years. Six years ago, we’d been married a year. I went off to work in Germany for two months. And while I was there I ran out of pants, yeah? Now like a lot of men, I don’t really know where my pants come from. (LAUGHTER) I always seem to have some, but I don’t remember ever buying any. (LAUGHTER) So I bought some pants in Hannover. German pants. Blue pants with yellow stars on them. I got back to London, one year of marriage, and my wife said to me, “You bought new pants. Are you having an affair?” (LAUGHTER) Which is funny but it’s also… it’s good. Because within that is the suggestion that I could have an affair. That someone could desire me, that I could desire someone as a sexual being in her eyes. Six years later, seven years of marriage, I’ve been on this tour for months. I ran out of pants. I bought some new pants in Lincoln, I think. Lincoln pants. (LAUGHTER) Green ones, you know. (LAUGHTER) They didn’t have any other colours. (LAUGHTER) It hides the stains, doesn’t it? Of my urine, which is green for the purposes of this… (LAUGHTER) I got some new pants, six years of marriage later, seven years of marriage. And my wife said, “Oh, you’ve bought new pants. “Did you shit yourself at work?” (LAUGHTER) It doesn’t give me any pleasure to get such big laughs off a… A “shit your pants” joke. (LAUGHTER) Not when some of the good stuff has gone to nothing. (LAUGHTER) And when there’s people who have brought their friends and they’ll be saying to them afterwards. They said to them before they brought them, “He’s like a post-modern… “He’s very clever, he deconstructs the art of perform…” And then their friends are going, “I like the shitted pants bit.” (LAUGHTER) What can you do? I’ve got nothing. I drive around, I look after kids. I didn’t want to end the first half on a shitted pants bit. (LAUGHTER) I wanted to end it on a callback in French. (LAUGHTER) But you wouldn’t have that, would you? You get the shows you deserve. (LAUGHTER) That’s it, that’s how the first half ends. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) STEWART LEE: Please welcome back, Stewart Lee. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (SILLY MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHTER) it’s not really what I… Thank you for coming back. So many of you. Now when my son said, er… “ls that a ghost?” Yeah? (LAUGHTER) From the first half. He’s not mad, okay? What it is, his main thing that he likes is Scooby Doo, right? And he watches Scooby Doo all the time on TV and DVD. So consequently he’s on the lookout for Scooby Doo stuff in his life. Like monsters, ghosts, vampires, pirates, zombies, whatever, because he watches Scooby Doo all the time. And consequently I watch Scooby Doo all the time as well because I do a lot of the child care. By which I mean I watch TV with him. (LAUGHTER) I care for him that way. So I watch Scooby Doo all the time, that’s what I mainly do. I mean, drive around doing gigs or watch Scooby Doo with a child. Consequently, I don’t know about anything. I don’t have any experiences or know about anything at all. I just know about Scooby Doo and driving around and Scooby Doo. I mean, you know… If you’ve seen me, you know, a couple of years ago here, when I was good, erm… (LAUGHTER) by now I would have talked about Franz Kafka and ancient history and all, like, amazing stuff that happened to me. But I don’t know about anything any more. Just don’t have any interests or experiences. You know, I mean, in the last 18 months, for example, I’ve only seen two films. I’ve seen Archipelago, which is an art film about middle class people on a disappointing holiday. (LAUGHTER) And I’ve seen a 70-minute cartoon called Scooby Doo and the Pirate Zombie Jungle Island (LAUGHTER) a hundred and eighty times. (LAUGHTER) And I now know more about Scooby Doo and the Pirate Zombie Jungle Island than I do about any other aspect of human culture or history, and I hear the pirate zombies when I sleep and I see the Jungle Islands in my dreams, and that’s all that I really know about. I don’t know about anything else any more. And it’s very difficult being a standup only knowing about a pirate zombie jungle island. Because I might see something, “I could write a routine about that!” But I can’t because I can only think of it in terms of a pirate zombie jungle island. And that’s not of interest to people. So I’ve got nothing. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) You seen those rope bridges in the jungle? (LAUGHTER) Yeah? Come on, we’ve all seen them, yeah? The jungle? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I’m talking about. The jungle canyon rope bridges, yeah? Over the canyons in the jungle, the rope bridges. They’re… The thing… With all the planks, yeah. The thing about them that I’ve noticed, the jungle canyon rope bridges. Yeah, they’re always broken, aren’t they? Have you noticed that? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, all the planks are all smashed and all the vines are all frayed and hanging. Why? Why are the jungle canyon… Why? That’s what I wanna know. Why are the jungle canyon rope bridges always broken? Tory cuts. (LAUGHTER) They don’t care about the jungle canyon rope bridges. They don’t use them, do they, the Tories? Flying around in helicopters and chauffeur-driven cars. They pretend to be like us, don’t they? But every now and again, the mask slips, doesn’t it, when they pretend to be like us, the Tories. Remember what David Cameron said about his wife Samantha when he was pretending to be like us? He said, “In many ways Samantha is a very ordinary girl. “She once used a jungle canyon rope bridge.” (LAUGHTER) Did she fuck! Because they’ re always broken, aren’t they? Didn’t used to be like that, did it? In the old days, in the ’40s, in the ’50s, after the war. Back then, the jungle canyon rope bridges, you could see your face in them, couldn’t you? Yeah. The planks were all shiny. The vines were tight, weren’t they? After the war, ’40s, ’50s, post-war socialist Utopia, contract with the people, call the midwife, etc., etc. Yeah? Remember what William Beveridge said in 1942, architect of the post-war socialist democracy? This is what he said, 1942, William Beveridge, he said, “All mystery investigating teenagers…” (LAUGHTER) “…and dogs…” Dogs? (LAUGHTER) Dog. Dog… You’ve seen that on Scooby Doo, when they go, “Is that your dog?” And he goes, “Dog?” Like that. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. He thinks he’s a human, Scooby Doo. He’s very indignant about being called a dog. They go, “Would your dog like a drink?” He goes, “Dog?” Like that, as if… You have to watch it a lot! (LAUGHTER) He thinks he’s a human, Scooby Doo. Not a dog. Although weirdly he is always sexually aroused by female dogs. (LAUGHTER) Female dog comes in, his heart’s going like that. So he thinks he’s a human, Scooby Doo, but with very low self-esteem. (LAUGHTER) William Beveridge, 1942, architect, post-war socialist democratic Utopian vision of a better tomorrow. This is what he said. He said “All mystery investigating teenagers “and dogs…” Dogs? “Of working age…” Yeah, remember? “…should pay “a weekly national insurance contribution.” That’s what he said. “And in return “all the jungle canyon rope bridges (LAUGHTER) “will be fully maintained in a safe condition.” That’s what he said, William Beveridge, 1942. Not like that now, is it, Sheffield? Worse if anything, wasn’t it? In the ’80s under Thatcher, yeah, remember? Now I know it was pretty bad here in the ’80s under Thatcher. Pretty bad where I grew up, in the Midlands, in Birmingham. In Birmingham, in the ’80s under Thatcher, the jungle canyon rope bridges, well, there weren’t any, basically. (LAUGHTER) You go out in the ’80s, in Birmingham, under Thatcher and you go, “I’ll just cross over this canyon.” There’d be nothing there. (LAUGHTER) Just an empty cliff with some stakes hammered in the top of it. No bridge, just all torn vines hanging down, blowing in the wind. And then you’d look down over the, down in the canyon, in Birmingham, in the ’80s, under Thatcher, and there’d be all the Birmingham people all fallen down there. (LAUGHTER) Dead from the fall, but with third-degree burns because on the way down, they spilled the hot Bovril on themselves. Yeah? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, all the Birmingham people in the ’80s under Thatcher walking along, mug of hot Bovril in one hand, tin pail in the other, a tin pail full of faggots. Noddy Holder from Slade controls the faggot supply. (LAUGHTER) Walking along in the ’80s, the Birmingham people under Thatcher, mug of boiling-hot Bovril, tin pail of faggots. “I’ll just go over this rope bridge. Ah, there isn’t one! “Ah, I’m falling down. “Oh, I’ve spilt all this Bovril on me, ahhh!” (LAUGHTER) Dead in the canyon, yeah? People up there, they’re going, “Oh, this routine has gone on a bit long. (LAUGHTER) “I expect he’ll stop doing it and talk about something else.” No, I won’t do that. (LAUGHTER) it’s picked up, though, hasn’t it, from earlier. Better atmosphere now. What happens is, at halftime, people have a little chat with their friends and they go, “What do you think?” “I like it.” “I do as well, then.” (LAUGHTER) They make me sick, people like that. I’d rather you just sat there hating it than have lied. Bare it. You’re all right, aren’t you? Picked up. The worse crowds are, erm… London, the week before Christmas. It’s a waste of time. People just go out at random to anything. I normally sell stuff after the show. I wasn’t gonna bother tonight. I might do now, if it’s been all right. (LAUGHTER) Well, you don’t just wanna sit there with loads of people filing past spitting at you. But it’ll be all right. It’ll be all right. And I was selling stuff in London afterwards at Christmas and I heard a young girl, about 20, and she went, “I didn’t really… I didn’t really get that stuff about “the jungle canyon rope bridges, to be honest,” she said, “because I wasn’t born in the ’80s.” (LAUGHTER) Ah, it’s heartbreaking, innit? As a young woman, she’s thinking, “if only I’d been born in the ’80s.” Do you remember when there was a funding deficit, at both national and regional level, for the provision of jungle canyon rope bridges? (LAUGHTER) Young people are idiots, aren’t they? I can’t… I hate them. I can’t stand anyone under 40. (LAUGHTER) Now if you’re young, why would you come to this, you know, old man wandering around? (LAUGHTER) You got your own things, haven’t you, young people. Circuses and fairs, that’s what you got. (LAUGHTER) Sticks with balloons tied to them. (LAUGHTER) Remember the canyons in the ’80s under Thatcher? Not the rope bridges, we’ve done with that now. Remember the canyons in the Thatcher days? Down here, you remember them a bit, don’t you? Some of you. I’ll just talk to you. (LAUGHTER) The canyons under Thatcher, they were… They were infested, weren’t they? Remember the infestations in the canyons in the Thatcher days? In the ’80s, they were infested, weren’t they? The canyons. In the ’80s, under Thatcher, with, er, pirate zombies? (LAUGHTER) Remember all the pirate zombies in the canyons in the Thatcher days? Yeah? I’ll just talk to you. I won’t bother with them. Remember the canyons, the pirate zombies, you’d look down, wouldn’t you? In the canyon, there’d be all pirate zombies, argh, one arm. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. Why? Why were the… Why were the canyons in the ’80s under Thatcher infested with pirate zombies? (LAUGHTER) Privatisation. (LAUGHTER) Well, it was, wasn’t it? Didn’t affect the shareholders, did it, if the… If the canyons were infested with pirate zombies or not. No. The shareholders’ dividends were ring fenced against pirate zombie infestation. (LAUGHTER) Remember what Thatcher… it’s the last bit of this routine now. (LAUGHTER) Remember what Thatcher said in the ’80s about the jungle canyon rope bridges? She didn’t care. Yeah, you remember, don’t you? People are going, “Yeah, we remember.” What a good crowd they are, right? Because what the people down here are doing, is they bought into the idea even though the idea of this routine is I’m pretending that in the ’80s there was an issue about (LAUGHTER) jungle canyon rope bridges, a satire of Thatcher economic social policy. The people down here, they’ve decided to play the part of an audience from a parallel universe where that was true. (LAUGHTER) And they go, “Yeah, I remember that.” Ugh. You’re nowhere near that, are you? You’re not even approaching there. They’re confident enough, they got the jokes in the first half, now they’ve decided to experiment with taking on different personalities. (LAUGHTER) See if they can still get the jokes whilst in character. (LAUGHTER) They’re running rings around you. I’m telling you. Remember what Thatcher said in the ’80s about the jungle canyon rope bridges? “Yeah, we do. Yeah.” This is what she said. Thatcher, yeah? She said, “A mystery investigating teenager or dog…” Dog? (LAUGHTER) They like that. They like “dog” in a high voice up there. That’s your favourite bit, isn’t it? Me saying “dog” in a high voice. It’s not my favourite bit of this routine. You wanna know… My favourite bit of this routine is the phrase, “The shareholders’ dividends were ring fenced “against pirate zombie infestation.” But no one up there was laughing at that. (LAUGHTER) Which confirms to me the suspicion that for most of the evening, we’ve been talking at cross purposes. (LAUGHTER) This is what she said, Thatcher. She said, “A mystery investigating teenager or dog…” Dog? “…Who beyond the age of 26,” remember this one, “finds himself “still using a jungle canyon rope bridge…” This is what she said, Thatcher. “…Can count himself a failure in life.” That’s what she said. Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher, the jungle canyon rope bridge snatcher. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Don’t clap that. (LAUGHTER) Scooby Doo-Thatcher routine. Jesus. A waste of time. (LAUGHTER) You know what’s awful about that. In 1986, when I started writing comedy with Richard Herring, you should know. Erm… We made a list of 10 things that we thought were too cliched to do jokes about. In 1986. And two of the things on that list of 10 things in 1986 was Scooby Doo and Thatcher. (LAUGHTER) We all grow up, don’t we, to become the thing we despised as teenagers. No. What can I do? I’ve got nothing. I drive around. I look after kids. I’ve got nothing. I have to do whatever comes to hand, you know. Nothing. I rang up a lot of the young comics to ask them what to do. Yeah, you seen them? All these young comedians they have now. All the Russells. You’ve seen them? They’re all called Russell. All these Russells. Yeah, loads of them. Loads and loads of Russells. You strike one down, another springs up in its path. (LAUGHTER) They’re like the skeletons in Jason And The Argonauts. (LAUGHTER) But skinnier. And with less joy behind their eyes. (LAUGHTER) So I rang them up. I rang up all the Russells in their hutch. (LAUGHTER) I said, “Hey, you Russells, Russell, Russell, Russell.” I said to them, “I got no material. What should I do?” And he said, “Never mind, just run around.” (LAUGHTER) I’ve got nothing. I drive around, I look after kids. I got nothing. I got no ideas. This show opened in November in London. In October, I’d got no ideas what to put in it. I was desperate. I used to go out in the afternoon and drive round and round the North Circular Road in London just hoping something funny would happen to me. (LAUGHTER) But it didn’t. I just ended up with loads of ideas for routines about the names of shops I’d seen at the side of the road. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) So I was driving around the North Circular, yeah? And I drove past World of Leather. I thought, “World of Leather!” Imagine if it was a world made out of leather. I hope it is. There might be five minutes in it. (LAUGHTER) So I went into World of Leather, but it was just a shop. (LAUGHTER) I went up to the World of Leather. man, he wasn’t made out of leather. It was just made up of all skin and hair and stuff. I said to him, “Hey, I thought this would be a World of Leather.” And he said, “How would that work?” (LAUGHTER) I said, “You get a leather chair like that, roll it over on its side. “You got a leather hill.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “Get out.” (LAUGHTER) I was desperate. I go back in the car, I went south down the North Circular. West along the A40 towards Oxford past World of Golf. I thought, “Yes, World of Golf! “Imagine if it was a world made out of golf! I hope it is. “I hope it is. There might be five minutes in it.” I went in to World of Golf but it’s just a shop. I went up to the World of Golf man, he wasn’t made out of golf. He was just made up of old meat, of water, 95%, did you know that? 95% water, all of us, and yet they say there’s a shortage. (LAUGHTER) I said to him, “Hey, I thought this would be a World of Golf.” He said, “How would that work?” I said, “You get golf clubs, stick them in the ground like that. “They’re like trees. (LAUGHTER) “Golf bag kicked over on its side, it’s like a cave. (LAUGHTER) “Golf balls, “they’d be things in nature, that are white and round. (LAUGHTER) “Like the moon. Or a worm’s egg on the rim of a cat’s bottom.” (LAUGHTER) And he said, “I’m gonna have to stop you there.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “This is World of Golf.” “What you’re describing is World of Golf Equipment.” (LAUGHTER) Golf is an abstract noun. (LAUGHTER) “Get out.” (LAUGHTER) I said, “I don’t care. I don’t even like golf. I hate it.” I was desperate. I got back in the car. I drove east along the A40, north up the North Circular. To Staples Corner. Office World. There’s an Office World. “Oh, I hope it’s a world made out of offices!” I went in the car park, and the Office World man came running across the tarmac towards me. The Office World man and he had a typewriter for a head. (LAUGHTER) And staplers for hands. And mou… Mouse, mice… Mouse mats, mouse mice mats for feet. And a desk tidy pen holding thing for his heart. (LAUGHTER) And he had a Balamory ruler for his cock. (LAUGHTER) With Miles Jupp’s face on it. (LAUGHTER) And he had a… A pen lid, yeah? Yeah, you know, a pen lid on a pen? A pen lid, yeah? That was his nose. A pen lid nose. And he had a… You know those little stickers, about that big, white? Little white stickers, round. You push the middle out like a Polo. Like a flat Polo-dimensioned sticker and use them for reinforcing a flimsy document in a binder, yeah? You seen these little white Polo stickers. He had about a million of them, yeah. And they were his mind. (LAUGHTER) All of your thoughts, yeah? Going round. Then he had a little… You know, a bit, a piece of string about that long, green, like wool, fibrous like wool is. With a tag on either end. Treasury tags, little metal tags on either end. He had about a thousand of them all tied up in a big spiral and that was his DNA. (LAUGHTER) Inside him, subatomic, Crick and Watson. Yeah, DNA. And he had, er, rubber, yeah, and that was his brain. And he had a… I don’t think they make these any more, actually. Like a black dial with letters and numbers on it. Black, in a housing, a printer housing. Remember these? You feed a… You feed a strip of… Remember this? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. You can’t get them now can you? No. You feed a strip of, like plastic through. You print out words to make a label for a desk or whatever. Anyway, not that. Forget about that. I’m not just… (LAUGHTER) Did you have one? You remember the strip that went through it? I’m not interested in the printer thing or the top part of the strip. What I’m talking about underneath the strip there was a… What? A thing that you tore off. Remember? To protect the sticky part of it. Underneath a thin, a transparent strip that you tore off the… That. That is what I’m talking about. (LAUGHTER) A transparent strip. He had that cut up into loads of much smaller, thinner strips and they were like, you know when you go, er, when you can see all bacteria in your eyes. (LAUGHTER) And he had a pencil sharpener. You know them pencil sharpeners? You put a pencil in it, don’t you? To sharpen it up. Yeah? Pencil sharpener, yeah? The pencil goes in, turn it around, it comes out sharp. A pencil sharpener, you’ve seen them. That was his anus. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, I said to him, “What’s going on here?” (LAUGHTER) He said, “Well, I heard you were coming.” (LAUGHTER) “So I quickly underwent all these painful “and expensive surgical procedures, “having parts of my body replaced with stationery. “Some of which is no Ion er 9 commercially available.” (LAUGHTER) “I had to stay up late and bid for it on e-Bay. (LAUGHTER) “And I did all this,” he said, “with a view “towards thwarting your attempts to get material out of coming here.” (LAUGHTER) I said, “Well, you didn’t thwart it, did you?” Demonstrably, I said to him, “I got about four or five minutes out of it.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “I thwarted it in the long run,” he said. I said, “How?” He said, “Well,” “You’re a professional comic I’m not gonna patronise you.” He said, “You know the rule of three.” I said, “That’s right. Any list of things, “funny things, should be three things long. “The third one should be the funniest.” He said, “That’s right. “So you should have done three of the things. “The third one should have been either the Balamory ruler penis “or the pencil sharpener anus,” he said. “But only the pencil sharpener anus, “if you’d had the foresight to tie it back in to the bleeding.” (LAUGHTER) But he said… “What I did,” he said, “You should have gone in there, 1, 2, 3, out.” “What I did,” he said, “was I had way more surgical procedures done “than I knew would be optimally funny.” (LAUGHTER) “But knowing your work,” he said, “I’ve seen you and I know how you work,” “I knew that you would feel obliged to list them all.” (LAUGHTER) “And that would mean that while there were pockets “of hilarity in the room, “on the whole, a list that long “would cause the trust and energy in the room to dissipate.” (LAUGHTER) So I’ve got nothing. (LAUGHTER) I drive around and look after kids. I’ve got nothing. I thought I’d copy some of the award-winning standup shows. The shows that are winning awards now. Copy them, yeah? The shows that are winning awards now. The sad standup shows. That’s the new thing, sad standup shows. “Oh, my dad’s dead.” “Oh, I’ve had chemotherapy.” “Oh, I’ve got divorced.” “Oh, I’m adopted.” You seen these sort of shows? They won’t be in a place like this. They’ll be in little art centres and whatever. Plus by the time a comedian’s playing here, er, creatively spent, normally. (LAUGHTER) Little, yeah, sad comedy shows and then at the end a bit of sad music comes in. Clair de la Lune or something like that. And the comedian goes, “but despite everything, I learned that life’s like…” You know. You’ve seen these? Sad comedy shows? No? You don’t know what I’m talking about? You’re not a comedy crowd, are you really? (LAUGHTER) Russell Kane’s done one. You’ve heard of him. He’s on the telly a lot. No? He’s done one about his dad dying? He’s done a sad, award winning standup show about his dad dying. His dad dies and then he goes a bit mad and then he becomes famous, and then he ends up getting off with loads of glamour models. It’s about how awful that was for him. (LAUGHTER) I’ve not seen it. Actually my wife saw it, Russell Kane’s show about his dad dying, and she said it was great. She said what was brilliant about it was you weren’t expecting it because it was a comedy but at the end, she said, it was actually very moving and she was crying. And I said to her, “You were crying at the end of a standup show?” She said, “Yeah.” I said, “Well, it’s not any good then, is it?” (LAUGHTER) You know, I’m from the ’80s admittedly, right? I’m old-school, but I think if you go and see a comedian and at the end you’re crying, right? That is someone who cannot do their job. (LAUGHTER) But like I said, I haven’t seen Russell Kane’s show about his dad dying. I’m sure it’s very good. What I am impressed by about it, though, is the fact that he managed to not resolve his grief for long enough to tour it commercially. (LAUGHTER) “Oh, my dad’s dead.” Oh, shut up. Shut up and give your award back, idiot. (LAUGHTER) All our dads are dead, aren’t they? All our dads die. We all die. What are we? We’re just meat being shoveled into a grave. (LAUGHTER) Do you wanna hear that on a night out? (LAUGHTER) Sad comedy shows. It makes me sick. Sad. What a… Sad. Sad… What an insult to ordinary people in a recession. (LAUGHTER) “Yeah, let’s go out.” “Oh, I’ve just lost my job. I’m so depressed. “I’ll go and see the comedian to cheer me up. “Count out all the money for the emergency. (LAUGHTER) “Where is it on at? Oh, the O2, that’s 47 pounds. (LAUGHTER) “And parking, that’s 30 pounds. “And we’ll need a baseball hat with the comedian’s face on it. (LAUGHTER) “We’ve just got enough. Oh, great. Ha, ha, ha, I’m crying now.” (LAUGHTER) Sad comedy. “I’ve only got one arm.” “Oh, fuck off back to New Zealand.” (LAUGHTER) You’re not even real. People doing… I could do a sad comedy show. Loads of awful things have happened to me. Adopted, divorced parents, 65,000 born-again Christians tried to send me to prison. You don’t see me doing standup shows about that. (LAUGHTER) Because I’ve got some self, I’ve got some dignity and self-respect. People doing shows about themselves. How self-indulgent is that? (LAUGHTER) I couldn’t do a show about myself if I wanted to. I don’t know who I am. Who am I? I don’t know. We’re defined by what we do. I don’t do anything. I drive around and look after kids. (LAUGHTER) You couldn’t do a standup show about that. (LAUGHTER) People wouldn’t stand for it. (LAUGHTER) I don’t know who… I don’t know… Lee Mack knows who he is, doesn’t he? Lee Mack. Four and half million people watching, they come up to him on the street. “Are you Lee Mack?” “Yeah, I am.” People come up to me and they go, “Are you Terry Christian?” (LAUGHTER) “The bloke from UB40.” (LAUGHTER) “What’s Tanita Tikaram doing in the gents?” (LAUGHTER) “I thought Kim Jong-Il was dead.” (LAUGHTER) Impossible. I… All that’s happened to me since I went on telly is half a million more people now insist to my face that I’m someone else. (LAUGHTER) Right here this afternoon in the square in Sheffield getting all these carpets in. And… (MILD LAUGHTER) They’re not here normally, those. (LAUGHTER) We have to get… We brought them. We have to get them in. They don’t get themselves in, do they? I’m not the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, a bloke came up to me and he went, “it’s you, isn’t it?” I went, “Yeah!” He goes, “What are you doing here?” I said, “I’m doing a standup show “in the theatre here in Sheffield tonight.” He said, “Really? “Shouldn’t you be at the Hague war crimes tribunal?” (LAUGHTER) He thought I was General Ratko Mladic. The genocidal Serbian warlord. (LAUGHTER) He’s 67 years old. (LAUGHTER) it’s an impossible situation He’s going, “it’s you, isn’t it?” I was going, “Yeah.” The only dignified way out of it is to allow him to continue to think I am General Ratko Mladic. (LAUGHTER) He said, “Shouldn’t you be at the Hague war crimes tribunal?” I went, “Oh, no, you know…” (LAUGHTER) The woman out there, she did the form in wrong. She wrote over the line. She went, “Oh, God, it’ll take ages to do all this again. “You can go off, you know.” (LAUGHTER) He goes, “So you’ve come here?” I said, “Yeah.” “To Sheffield? “To do standup comedy?” (LAUGHTER) “Yeah, you know. I’ve had an interesting life. (LAUGHTER) “There’s a sad bit at the end. (LAUGHTER) “When I’m caught. “I play Clair de la Lune, I talk about that. “People are in floods, I’ve won a Chortle Award.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “No of fence, mate. “But I think what you’ve done out there is awful, obscene. “At worst, you should be in prison for life “and at best you should be executed.” I said to him, “I agree with you, to be honest, you know. “But what do you actually want me to do “because they in the Hague, they’ve said go off. “So, you know, what? What do you want me to do about that?” And he went, “Oh, all right, mate.” Then he went off. (LAUGHTER) Going to the dressing room here, laptop, wi-fi, Internet. Looked it up on Twitter. You have to look everything up on Twitter now, don’t you? Stay in touch with what’s around you! Looked up the bloke’s feed on Twitter. It comes up, “Met General Ratko Mladic in Sheffield today. “Much nicer bloke in real life.” (LAUGHTER) I hate Twitter. You love it, don’t you? You got Twitter? it’s brilliant. Your virtual online Utopian futuristic society. Direct communication between any individuals. Unfettered by government, you know, interference. Freedom of information. Arab Spring. We love Twitter. I hate Twitter. The only good thing about Twitter is if I have a mental breakdown and forget everything that ever happened to me, I could gradually piece my life back together by putting my name into the search engine in Twitter. Because about every 90 minutes, one of you feels obliged to do an update of where I am and what I’m doing. (LAUGHTER) “8:30 a.m., I can’t believe it. “Just seen Stewart Lee taking his son to school on the 393 bus. “They’re talking about Scooby Doo. He looks depressed.” (LAUGHTER) “10:00 a.m., can’t believe it. “I am sitting next to Stewart Lee in the Clock Cafe, Highbury. “He is eating a muffin. He looks fat.” (LAUGHTER) “11:30 a.m., Hackney celebrity alert. “Just seen Stewart Lee walking around Abney Park Cemetery on his own. “He looks fat and depressed.” (LAUGHTER) “1:30 p.m., wowaroonie! “Just seen Stewart Lee walking around Dalston Junction on his own. “Eating a burger in the street. He looks fat and depressed and fat.” (LAUGHTER) I hate Twitter. It’s like a state surveillance agency run by gullible volunteers. (LAUGHTER) it’s a Stasi for the Angry Birds generation. (LAUGHTER) If you’re an F-list celebrity, it makes your life impo… You’re paranoid all the time being spied on. To give you an example of what I mean. Last October, I was driving along the M40. I wasn’t gonna do a gig this time. I was going to Birmingham to put flowers on the grave of a relative. And I stopped at the Cherwell Services and I went to the florist’s there. I got a big bunch of flowers, and on the way out, the woman on the perfume concession stand caught my eye and she said to me, “Perfume, sir, to go with the flowers for the lady?” And I went, “Ah, they’re for someone’s grave.” And she went, “Oh,” and the other woman went, “Oh, no.” And then there were all people standing around going, “Oh, look, look at what’s happened.” (LAUGHTER) I thought, “This will be on Twitter. “It’s exactly the kind of thing that goes on Twitter.” So I thought I’d say something light hearted to bring the event to a close, you know. So I said to her, “Oh, never mind, give us some perfume, “I’ll spray it around all the graves.” (LAUGHTER) Got home, looked it up on Twitter. You have to look it up on Twitter now. Stay in touch with what’s around you. Woman’s feed comes up. “The comedian” in inverted commas, “Stewart Lee, came in our perfume stand today. “He is even less funny in real life.” (LAUGHTER) You know what? That didn’t happen. (LAUGHTER) It sort of happened a bit, but I changed it for comic effect. Because what really happened is just bleak. (LAUGHTER) I was going to Birmingham to put flowers on a grave and the woman did say to me, “Perfume, sir, to go with the flowers for the lady.” But I didn’t say any of that stuff. I just said… “Oh, for fuck’s sake. (LAUGHTER) “Er… “Excuse me? “Yeah, erm, in your job, “I’m not threatening you, I’m just saying… (LAUGHTER) “…that look, there’s a lot of reasons, aren’t there, “why someone could be buying flowers, “and I know that you… No. “I know you have to hit targets and… “But, you know, maybe you should think about what those… “All those reasons what they could be before you just, you know…” Got home, looked it up on Twitter. (LAUGHTER) Woman’s feed comes up. “General Ratko Mladic came in today. (LAUGHTER) “He’s even more grumpy in real life.” (LAUGHTER) Internet, Twitter. It drives you mad. Facebook and all these message boards. Five minutes on Google, right, I can find… I can put my name and I’ll find hundreds of people all slagging me off. I’m gonna read out some quotes now, Five minutes on Google. These are real, right? In the context of the show, you have to appreciate this. The first four quotes from Americans that I read out, three of them are real. I made one up. (LAUGHTER) The letters, people complaining about Islam, they were exaggerated versions of real ones I’ve had. The quote from the guy in Dubai, that was real, verbatim. And then all the things about the jungle canyon rope bridges, they were real political speeches from the past. (LAUGHTER) But I replaced the policy things in them. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. From Scooby Doo. Yeah. And now… Okay, these are all real. Five minutes on Google. Can I have the jazz music and the lighting change please? (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHTER) Rowing Rob on The Guardian’s Comment is Free site calls me “a sneering tosser”. (LAUGHTER) Tokyo Fist on YouTube writes, “Smug elitist liberalism. Who is this cunt?” (LAUGHTER) Warto15 on Twitter writes, “I hate Stewart Lee with a passion. He’s like Ian Huntley to me.” (LAUGHTER) Huey on Youtube says, “Stewart Lee, I will shove my thick cock in your throat, “you gaylord.” (LAUGHTER) Z-Factor on Twitter writes, “Stewart Lee addresses an insular cadre “of socially challenged, prematurely middle aged, pseudo-intellectual men.” (MILD LAUGHTER) I know. Yeah. Look. (LAUGHTER) Not as exclusively as I’d like, to be honest. It’ll just be us again soon. It won’t last. It can’t last. We’ll be back to one night and then it’ll be all right. Pudabaya writes, “I spent the entire show thinking “of how much I want to punch Stewart Lee in his face. “The fucking smug face cunt.” (LAUGHTER) And that’s on a website that is actually called, beexcellenttoeachother.com. (LAUGHTER) A Jimmy Vespa on dontstartmeoff.com writes, “A shit-haired cunt. who resides at the very apex “of all that is absolute patience testing wank.” (LAUGHTER) “Seriously when there is the comedy equivalent “of the Nuremberg trials, “this bastard is gonna be hung from the highest fucking lamppost, (LAUGHTER) “pelted with wasps’ nest and dog turds “and eventually blasted with a flame thrower.” “Fucking hell,” he concludes. “I can’t put into words… (LAUGHTER) “…how much I detest this utter fucking cunt.” Man in a Banana Suit on the Guardian website writes, “Stewart Lee has made a career out of smugness. “I hope fucking Crohn’s disease kills him.” (LAUGHTER) Ricardo writes, “Whenever I see his photo “I dream he’s just seen my boot, “a split second before it rips his face inside out.” (LAUGHTER) Shindig on the dugout.net calls me an “aging cunt “with an Eskimo face from the ’90s.” (LAUGHTER) One from Mumsnet here. (LAUGHTER) Queen of the Harpies says, “My mate had a huge crush on Stewart Lee, “but even she’s starting to admit time hasn’t been kind to him.” (LAUGHTER) And this one’s from a Sheffield football website and it says, “I know this guy, “not well, but I can confirm that he is a cock. (LAUGHTER) “I’ve spoken to him several times in the past at various get-togethers, “although not recently, and he is a pillock. “He used to go out with my wife’s cousin. “He came up a few times for Christmas and one or two other things. “I found him condescending and arrogant. “Anyway, they’ve split up now “and my wife’s cousin seems a lot happier.” (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I mean, I know who that is obviously. (LAUGHTER) Unbelievable, innit? (LAUGHTER) I used to… Funny thing is I used to really like… I liked that guy, you know. “Is your cousin’s husband gonna be there at Christmas? “Oh, great, you know. “Wedding present he used to like. I should get him some records.” Then you find… Ten years later you find that, you know. Used to go out with him. Go out with him. Went to the Hyena Club in Newcastle, one night in 1999, in November, to see Lewis Schaffer, American comic, then we went into the comics’ bar, you know, till about 3:00 with him, you know. “You wanna drink, mate?” “Yeah. Brilliant.” You know. “Great.” Then you think, “What was he actually thinking?” (LAUGHTER) Get “I fucking hate this bloke.” (LAUGHTER) You don’t get that, do you, in your lives. You don’t get it. What’s done is done. It doesn’t come back. His mum, right? The guy who wrote that’s mum. I had her to stay with me for about a week in London. When I lived in the flat above the estate agents by the fire station, if you remember that. (LAUGHTER) Not a big flat, you know. She was on some course. She was like an old hippie, I really liked her actually. I remember it was a Saturday afternoon and I was putting some, an old bed together and I had a record on. She was there. I had an old vinyl. The second album by Dr Strangely Strange, an Irish folk rock band in the ’70s and it… His mum, that wrote that, his mum. She goes, “Oh, I used to love this record when I was a kid. “I haven’t heard it for 30 years.” And she knew all the words and you know… And this was before downloads and CD reissues and stuff. And I said to her, “You can have it.” And I gave the mum of the guy that wrote that my original Island Pressing Pink Label gatefold sleeve second Dr Strangely Strange album like a cock would. (LAUGHTER) That’s the condescending thing to do, isn’t it? To give an old woman something of irreplaceable value, that she would love. This isn’t even… This is just some. I’ve got a 40,000-word document of all this. (LAUGHTER) Because I thought it would be funny, look on the Internet and see for a bit in the show. But I didn’t realise there would be so much. (LAUGHTER) it’s like pulling a thread. You start and you can’t… And everything unravels. (LAUGHTER) Knowing this is all there, it makes it quite hard to do this if you think about it, right? You think, “Oh, I’ll just go out in the world, “interact with some people, have a lot…” Don’t walk out during this. Don’t. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) This is bad. It’s bad for someone to say they hope you die, on the Internet. But that is worse. (LAUGHTER) What is it about this bit that you don’t buy into? You think, “Oh, I don’t feel he’s working hard enough really.” (LAUGHTER) (QUIETLY) Fuck you. (LAUGHTER) You go out now, do you? You think… I mean, this is obviously nearly the end of the show, isn’t it? I can’t recover it from this. (LAUGHTER) “I’ll go out for a bit, “I’ll come back in when it’s funny again.” It won’t be. It’s not gonna be funny again, is it? (LAUGHTER) You get… You can’t… You know, you being a comic when you know you’re under surveillance by people that despise you is quite hard. You think, “I’ll go out in the world, interact with some people. “Get some ideas, have a laugh. Go in the shop. “Have a laugh with a bloke, bit of banter, get home. You know, you get home, you look on the Internet. “A fucking cunt came in my shop today. (LAUGHTER) “He even reminded me of a paedophile. (LAUGHTER) “Who would kill a child. “I hope he dies from a wasting disease. “And all cocks go in his mouth. (LAUGHTER) “Fucking Eskimo face cunt.” (LAUGHTER) And it’s all there, all out there. And you say, don’t you? I’ve seen you. You go, “Look at us, virtual online Facebook friends, Twitter community. “Virtual online Utopian vision of tomorrow’s better…” What are you? You’re like rats fighting in a ditch. (LAUGHTER) Over some piss. (LAUGHTER) So, you’ll forgive me if there isn’t really much of a show this year. (LAUGHTER) And if it just sort of stops. (LAUGHTER) We went up… We went up at… I’ve done the time that we’re supposed to. (LAUGHTER) There were already people walking out. (LAUGHTER) Well, I’ll just do a quick little bit and then we can go. (LAUGHTER) So I was driving round the North Circular and I drove past PC World! (LAUGHTER) (SCREAMING) And you know what? I couldn’t even be bothered to think of anything funny about that. (LAUGHTER) You can do it, can’t you? Get in your cars, drive around, look at all the shops, think about their names and think about how you could misinterpret them for comic effect. (LAUGHTER) Because that’s what I have to do day after day. For what? For this? For indifference? People walking out? (LAUGHTER) You do it! Get in your cars, drive around, look at the names of shops and then you can put it on your Twitter feeds, you fucking miserable Sheffield cunts! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) I got back in the car from PC World. I thought, “I’m just gonna drive home now. “There won’t even be a proper end to the show, it’ll just stop!” (LAUGHTER) Then five minutes from home, five minutes from home, I was in Dalston and I drove past a butchers called City Meat! (LAUGHTER) And it’s like an illness, I couldn’t help myself! (LAUGHTER) (TOUGH LONDON VOICE) “Like meat, live in a city? “Get yourself down to City Meat! (LAUGHTER) “We got all the different meat animals. “Cows, pigs, chickens, etc., “but they live in the city of London. “Like meat, live in a city? ‘City Meat for City People’ “Get yourself down to City Meat! (LAUGHTER) (IN HIGH VOICE) “Do the City Meat animals graze on the grass “of the City Farm Hackney, butcher?” (TOUGH VOICE) “No, they don’t! Grass is for poofs! (LAUGHTER) “They’re city animals, “they live on what they find on the floor in the city!” “Like what?” “Like old, chucked away AIDS-infected spunked-in condoms! “Discarded hepatitis-ridden heroin needles! Licked out wraps of speed! “Torn-up pornography, crushed Polish beer cans, “and ripped up leaflets “advertising The Miracle Healing Church at Finsbury Park.” (LAUGHTER) (HIGH VOICE) “Doesn’t this diet of filth make them sick, butcher?” (TOUGH VOICE) “Yeah, it does! And they love being sick! The slags! (LAUGHTER) “Because they’re city animals at City Meat! “Live in the city, like meat? Get yourself down to City Meat!” (LAUGHTER) (HIGH VOICE) “And this City Meat butchers “was in London, was it, butcher?” (TOUGH VOICE) “Yes, in London. City Meat.” (HIGH VOICE) “Are you sure?” (TOUGH VOICE) “It’s City Meat!” (HIGH VOICE) “Are you sure you didn’t see a butchers called City Meat “on the side of the A40 in Shirley in Birmingham? (LAUGHTER) “In between the Cherwell Services and the cemetery?” (TOUGH VOICE) “It was in London.” (HIGH VOICE) “Birmingham.” (HIGH VOICE) “But you realised there’s no way the City Meat bit “will be a punchy enough end to the show “if the butcher had a Birmingham accent?” (LAUGHTER) (BIRMINGHAM ACCENT) “Do you like meat? (LAUGHTER) “Do you live in the city? (LAUGHTER) “Get yourself down to City Meat! (LAUGHTER) “We got all the different meat animals. (LAUGHTER) “Pork, that’s a pig. (LAUGHTER) “Beef, that’s a cow. (LAUGHTER) “Chicken, same, chicken. (LAUGHTER) “And they run all around the city of Birmingham. “They’re very happy like because I don’t know if you know, “in the last few years, there’s been a lot of redevelopment work here. (LAUGHTER) “There’s loads of green spaces and, all around, the cathedral’s “all been done up and… “In Birmingham now there is actually more miles of canals “than there is rats. (LAUGHTER) “And they’ re very happy. They ate all the locals’ food. “They have a big trough of Bovril, they lick that out. (LAUGHTER) “And in the morning, about 5:30, “Noddy Holder flies over in a (LAUGHTER) “Halifax Bomber, chucking out old faggots for them to eat. (LAUGHTER) “And at the weekend, for a treat, they have a balti now. “A lot of people think wrongly “that a balti is an Indian dish “but it actually originated in Birmingham or around Sparkbrook “and Bearwood, and they actually call that “the Balti Triangle now and it’s like a tourist attraction. “And at the week, on a Friday night, “people will come for a balti “from as far away as Kidderminster.” (LAUGHTER) I got nothing. (LAUGHTER) So I got in the car one last time and I drive north to the industrial estates near Sunderland with the sole intention of visiting a retail outlet called Carpet Remnant World. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) I stood outside the Carpet Remnant World and I was overcome with a terrible sadness and it was very moving. Carpet Remnant World. It didn’t even sell carpets. (LAUGHTER) It sold remnants of carpets. (LAUGHTER) Remnants of human hopes. Remnants of human dreams and it spoke to me about the gulf between what we are and what we could aspire to be. Imagine to sleep, to dream, of living in Newcastle with a carpet. (LAUGHTER) To wake and to find instead that you live in Sunderland (LAUGHTER) with some carpet remnants. (LAUGHTER) it’s too sad to bear. So I went into Remnant Carpet World. You know what? It was a world made out of carpet remnants. Tiny, perfectly proportioned carpet remnant homes and long, wide carpet remnant avenues, lined with carpet remnant schools and carpet remnant hospitals. And carpet remnant universities. Free carpet remnant universities. And carpet remnant libraries that did not labour under the threat of closure and all of them full of carpet remnant people living in perfectly harmony from each according to his durability, (LAUGHTER) to each according to his weave. (LAUGHTER) The carpet remnant world man came up to me and he was made of carpet remnants and he said to me, “What do you think of our Carpet Remnant World?” And I said, “it’s beautiful. A Utopia.” (LAUGHTER) And he said, “Really? I always expect people to be cynical.” And I said, “Why?” And he said, “I was warned by my friends “at the World of Leather, the World of Golf, “and Office World and PC World “and both regional outlets of City Meat.” (LAUGHTER) Then he said to me, “But there’s a message for you “in Carpet Remnant World, Stewart Lee, and it’s this. “That a ragbag of seemingly disparate and unrelated items, “people, concepts, things, can, “if stitched together in the correct order, “with a degree of sensitivity, “give the impression of being a satisfying whole.” (LAUGHTER) And I said to him, “You mean…” And he said, (LAUGHS WEAKLY) “Yes.” (MUSIC FADES) (SNAPS FINGERS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Thank you. This is a beautiful theatre to be in, one of the nicest in the country. Thanks to everyone who’s worked so hard in putting this up tonight. Thanks a lot. Good night. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Amanda Seales: I Be Knowin’ (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amanda-seales-i-be-knowin-transcript/

Now, y’all keep asking me, “Amanda, who is this special for?” And I keep telling y’all, “It’s for my sisters!” But it’s comedy, so it’s really for everybody. Okay, maybe not for everybody. Everybody except for racists, rapists, sexists, misogynists, narcissists. You know, folks that are callin’ the cops on black folks just livin’ our lives. Yeah, it ain’t for you. It ain’t for fuck boys, or trife gals, or that one ex, who still ain’t paid you that money back he owes you. Uh-huh. No laughs for them. It ain’t for Trump voters, or coons, or… people who don’t believe that white men can be terrorists. It ain’t for homophobes, or transphobes, or xenophobes. You know that wall is some bullshit. Hmm. It ain’t for bullies, it ain’t for poachers, it ain’t for abusers. It ain’t for people who keep asking me, “Amanda, can I pick your brain?” No! It ain’t for dudes who want head but don’t wanna eat no pussy! It ain’t for you! It also is not for people who don’t take care of their kids. It ain’t for people who take their shoes and socks off on planes. Who raised you? It ain’t for fronters. It ain’t for fakers. It ain’t for the phonies. It ain’t for haters. Nah, I’m frontin’! It is for the haters. ‘Cause, you know, y’all be tryin’ to stop me from gettin’ my shine. But guess what? I can’t stop. Won’t stop. You know why? ‘Cause… Give it up for phat girl, a young girl… Amanda Seales! I be… -Knowin’. New York! We did it. We here. My people. Ah! The real ones. The truth-tellers. The responsible hoes. I see you, boos. I always say, we “responsible hoes” ’cause we got levels. We know our credit score. All right. We get annual pap smears. Keep it tight. But when we hear… We know the proper protocol! Women got levels. Anyone who identifies as a woman understands, it’s a journey. Right? Being a woman is a journey. Lots of twists and turns. We dealin’ with things that people don’t even… know that we’re dealing with. Titties. Okay? It don’t matter what size your titties is. At the end of the day, when you take your bra off, they audibly sigh. You goin’ back to the motherland in your living room. Okay? There’s a crowd outside chanting, “Free the titties! Free the titties!” There’s a reporter in your room, interviewing your nipples, like, “How does it feel to be free from that padded cell?” “My God, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hair.” “There’s hair on nipples?” “Yes.” Then we have these periods. Right? I thought by now, I’d be used to it. I really did. But still it be like, ta-da! I’m like, where did you come from? And so I find myself, more often than I’d like to… in a public restroom, doing this. Wrapping toilet paper around a crotch. Because by 37, I’ve become a menstrual MacGyver. Then there’s the whole… There’s a whole thing about going out. Okay. Some of y’all barely made it here tonight. I be havin’ to cheer myself on. Like really, in the house, like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” Like, really. It’s real. You do all of that and you’re like, “Okay, okay.” You get dressed. I don’t know about y’all, but I be havin’ theoretical outfits. That only really live in theory. My hypothesis sometimes fails. ‘Cause then I put it on and I’m, like, “Oh.” “Look at that.” Hit and a miss. But you’re not gonna change. ‘Cause if I change, I’m going to sleep. If I take the clothes off, I’m going to sleep. Okay? It’s gonna be me and Lando. In the crib. So… you have to find another source of confidence to be like, “This works.” For me, that is the, uh, gay black man that lives within me. LaTravious-s-s-s… I consult with LaTravious in the mirror, because LaTravious is a gay black man, and gay black men have more confidence than anybody on the planet. They have to ’cause they’re dealing with oppression from multiple sides. They got racism over here. They got homophobia over here. That’s why the walk is so mean. ‘Cause they be like, “No, bitch. No, bitch. No bitch. No bitch. “Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Beyoncé.” “Wear that. That’s cute.” I’m like, “Okay, he fuck with it.” I’m ready to go. So, then you head out. Right? You hit that threshold and you’re like, skrrt. ‘Cause you realize… you did not paint your toenails. And you have an inner conflict because one part of you is like, “I am not hampered by society’s limitations of femininity. “I am my personality, not my appearance. For colored girls who considered suicide when the rainbow is enough.” The other part of you is like, “Mmm…” “These shits look pre-historic.” So you’ve got to come to a compromise within yourself. And that compromise is to just paint the two that are showing. He got to earn that pinky toe! He got to earn that pinky toe! We’re dealing with real things. Women are still dealing with cat-calling. Why? Has it ever been proven effective? No! I was on a show on CNN… where I had to discuss cat-calling with the whitest white man of whitery. You know, like the kind of white man that wears two polos at the same damn time. One, a-two. So… He comes on the screen and he’s like, “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” Okay. Uh-uh. The minute I hear a straight white man say, “I think we can all agree,” I know, we do not agree. We don’t. So, this man is on TV, and he has the caucasity… …to say, “Eh, I think we can all agree that all women love getting compliments from men in the street.” Whom? When I hear such foolery, it makes me… first, just, go to the root. And I say, “Okay. This is somebody who doesn’t know what a compliment is.” And, you know, black women… …we are the masters at compliments. We… We have taken compliments down to a precise science of conciseness, where we don’t even say a full sentence. We just say at you… what we’re looking at on you. “Okay, polka-dots!” When it’s that easy, you gotta hand ’em out all the time. ‘Cause you gotta remember, it doesn’t diminish you any to pick another sister up. Compliments. How could he not know? For clarification… If I’m in Brooklyn… at midnight… and a Jamaican man… …appears from the shadows. Sweetness-s-s-s… “You look like a vanilla ice cream. “Me wan’ lick you.” “Ookoo, ookoo.” -That’s not a compliment. -That’s a threat. If I’m in Harlem… and some brothers pause their dice game– it’s the polite thing to do– and they’re like, “Yaw!” “Shorty rock and rough and stuff with one Afro puff.” “And the jacket and the pants with the dada-dada-dada-dada on it.” “I see you, maaa!” “What’s really good.” Yeah, it’s not a compliment. It’s an observation. Then they want you to smile. “Why you mad?” “Let me see them pearly whites.” “Yo, why you ain’t smiling, man?” You know why I’m not smiling? ‘Cause I just spent the last 20 minutes in a public bathroom fashioning a makeshift maxi pad… …out of a long-ass CVS receipt. Just so I don’t got to walk around here, looking like a dire wolf bit me in the pussy. “You still trying to holla, n i g g a? What’s up?” They even wanted Harriet Tubman to smile, y’all. Remember when they were talking about putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill? There was a room full of white men who got together and said… “Ah-ah-ah-ah! “I think we can all agree… Harriet Tubman just doesn’t look happy.” You don’t say! Well, gee willikers! I just can’t think about why Harriet Tubman… doesn’t look chipper! Also, for the record, in our minuscule teachings of black history in public school, it’s not like Harriet Tubman was ever considered a jokester. Like, she was resourceful, you know. She was dedicated. She was revolutionary. She was heroic. “Frederic Douglas, the orator! “Martin Luther King, the leader! “Harriet Tubman. She had them jokes!” Never, not once. But Harriet Tubman brought so many folks to freedom. And you know that in her numerous travels, bringing folks across that Mason-Dixon line, she came across a number of different personalities. And I know at least one of ’em was a complainer. And there’s a very good chance that it was a man. Just picture it. It’s the dark of night. You can hear the dogs from the lynch mob. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Bitch-ass racists is running, “Get them n i g g e r s!” “They’re runnin’! Get ’em! Scat!” Harriet and… Willie. The odds are high. They runnin’. They runnin’, right? They runnin’ through the woods. You know, they runnin’ through the stream to try and lose the scent. Here come Willie. “Is we there yet?” “This sho’ is a long walk to freedom.’ “It’d be nice if you could lighten the mood a bit. Tell a little joke or somethin’.” Now Harriet, in an effort… not to shoot this n i g g a… …would go to her resources. Her handkerchief. Every picture you see, Harriet Tubman got this handkerchief on. I feel like it was magical. So in this situation, she would reach into that handkerchief. She’d pull out a joke. It’s on a scroll. “Okay, Willie. Why did the chicken cross the road?” Willie get hyped. “I don’t know, HT.” “Why?” “To get to freedom, n i g g a, that’s why! Now keep walking!” The joke stylings of Harriet Tubman. Yeah, they really didn’t teach us shit. Black history, we had to figure it out, most of us. We didn’t even learn about… the Negro national anthem. They kept that real hush-hush. I didn’t learn about the Negro national anthem until I was in 10th grade. Yeah. My mother is from Grenada. So she ain’t know about that shit. My father is from Roxbury, Boston. I don’t know about that n i g g a. He didn’t keep up his end of the parental cultural bargain. So, I just had to figure some shit out just by being around other black folks, okay? But what I did learn is that no matter what type of black person you are, and I always say, Every black experience is a black experience, unless it is anti-black. Regardless, we all sing the Negro national anthem “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” the same way. We start it like we are at our man’s mama house for the first time. Shall we? Someone starts to double-clap. Stop. There are white people in here right now that are like… “They’re having meetings.” There are people watching this right now, they just found out there’s a Negro national anthem… and that it is not a song from Hamilton. I love how… on this next part, it’s almost as if its creators, John and James Weldon Johnson was like, “Shh!” We gotta throw some stank on it.” ‘Cause it all of sudden turns up… Skrrt, skrrt! Y’all better sing! Y’all better sing. Now listen. The night Obama won… Don’t think about it too long, ’cause it’ll… You’ll get a… It’s like when you masturbate to an ex, you can’t… you gotta get in that memory and get out. You gotta get out that shit quick. Don’t put your bag down in that memory. No, no, no, no. You gotta… Play with your mind, right? Don’t do that shit. Just go, a-heh, heh, heh, heh. All right? The night Obama won, I was at an event. It was a very diverse event. Everybody there wanted to see him victorious, okay? So we were all cheering, excited when they announced he won. We all exalted. Everybody was watching the screen and they had a feed of all these different places that were celebrating his winning. And they landed at a church, and the church was singing “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” And so we all joined hands in kind, and started singing along, and that’s when I saw, the black people see the white people in this room who had thought, up until this very moment, that they was the most down-ass white people. Play ball! Got the whole nation in an uproar over the national anthem when we should be singing this shit, since it’s mostly Negroes on the field, anyway! Kaep would be like, “Whoa.” “Mission accomplished.” I learned about the Negro national anthem in the back seat of a purple Dodge Neon. My sophomore year of high school, sitting next to my… best friend. A white girl named Julia. And Julia was like… “I just feel like… “being friends with you all… I should know your anthem.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch. We know your anthem.” That’s all black girls that grew up with white girls. I am you. You were the only black girl at the slumber party. You were going in the pool with a shower cap. Yes. “Keisha, teach us how to dance! Teach us how to dance!” Yeah. “You’re like black, but not like black-black. You know what I mean?” I grew up with all the white people. I really did. I grew up with all the white people. So, I feel like I have a handle… on the white folks. So much to say that you can really categorize them as two… sides: There’s white people, and people who happen to be white. Now, people who happen to be white know and understand that there ain’t no truth to whiteness. It’s not based on anything biological or anthropological. It was only created for the sole purpose of oppression. Okay. But… people who happen to be white also know that as fake as whiteness is in reality, its privilege is real. So, they know to use their privilege to give access to those who don’t have access to that privilege. People who happen to be white, I call them Hannahs. White people… believe the lie that whiteness makes them better. They actually think it makes them supreme. And if you believe that something that was created for the sole purpose of oppressing others makes you better, then you ain’t shit. We call them Beckys. That’s what it is. The thing about it, though, is that… whether you are a white woman or a woman who happens to be white, you have been… basically protected. Like, the entire world has been taught to protect white women and women who happen to be white, at the threat of death. And so, what has happened is similar to like when kids aren’t exposed to germs and so their immune system doesn’t develop. White women and women who happen to be white ain’t been exposed to criticism. So now they all fragile and they be cryin’ all the goddamned time. And now all of us gotta deal with that shit. Every day at work. Now because of this fragility, no one is telling white women and women who happen to be white about their problematic behaviors. Well… tonight’s the night. Now, see, black women, we know the shit that folks don’t like that we do. ‘Cause they tell us all the time. We know y’all think we angry. But we are not hostile. We just passionate. We’re aware. We just don’t care. We know that you don’t appreciate when we communicate with the movie screen. Elevating it to an interactive experience. We are aware… but we don’t care. We know that it perturbs you, deeply… that our hairstyles change approximately every 2.5 weeks. Right now, there is a woman benefiting from white privilege who is storming into a break room in a huff. “Did you see Renita? “Last week, she had an adorbs pixie cut. “And today… “she showed up with dreadlocks! “And I didn’t recognize her on the elevator. And now she thinks I’m a racist.” Renita is in her office. She is aware. But she don’t care! She ain’t got time to care. ‘Cause she’s composing an email, that she has now written four times, and had to delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. ‘Cause she was tellin’ the truth, but it’s gonna send her to HR. ‘Cause now she has to employ that whole other language that any black person who is attempting to excel in this country has had to learn. We all have had to learn duality, so that we can talk on the block and in the boardroom, just to protect y’all. ‘Cause y’all done turned passive-aggression into a synonym for professionalism! So, Renita got to go, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, every time she write that first line. And we have all learned this skill, so much so, have you ever met n i g g a s in LA? Them n i g g a s talk like a white woman ordering at Starbucks. Legit, okay? They sound like Anthony Hopkins at McDonald’s. I mean, it is incredible. They have perfected their elocution. I believe because the LAPD has perfected its racism. So it’s a survival tactic. I was walking down the street one time, and I heard a brother behind me going, “Excuse me, excuse me.” I turn around, and see him going… I’m like, “What in the Oompa Loompa?” And then I realize, I’m in LA. He tryin’ to hit his gangsta pose. But I keep walking, so he keeps having to recalibrate. “Shit.” So I said, “Let me just let this n i g g a live, man.” So I’m like, “What’s up, playa? What’s up? What’s that?” And he said… “First and foremost… …you’re an incredible specimen of femininity.” I’ve never been hollered at… …in such a way. I was like, “Oh. Uh…” “Okay.” And then I passed him a copy of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. He was like, “Oh.” “Friends, Romans, country– “Buntry men. Lend me your motherfucking ears!” But back to Renita, and this email. She at the computer, y’all. She’s stressed. She wanna say… “Why you not readin’ my shit?” But she can’t say that. So you know what she has to say? Delete, delete, delete, delete. “Per my previous email…” But there’s a behavior that white women and women who happen to be white are doing. It’s an infraction that you’re committing on a regular basis that all of us in here would love for you to stop doing. It’s plaguing offices everywhere. Please. We beg of you. Stop cc’ing all these unnecessary people! On these goddamned emails! Stop! Stop! Why you sharin’ on this goddamned email? She ain’t got shit to do with what we’re doing over here! What you tryin’ to do, Becky? What you tryin’ to do? ‘Cause I got the receipts! I got the receipts! Ah! You ain’t think I had that shit. Well, n i g g a s got me fucked up. Ooh! Exactly. Shit. Heh. She ain’t know I stay ready. When you a black person in any office, you stay ready. ‘Cause you’re always wondering, “How black am I gon’ have to get?” And what that really means is, you’re going through a series of checkpoints on how you gon’ check somebody. On a scale of Stacey Dash to Nat Turner. I was on a flight once, and I was the only black person on the flight. No, I know. It was one of those things where, like, you don’t really notice it, like, you minding your own business. You like… “How black am I gon’ have to get?” ‘Cause you know something was gonna go down, you know? So I sit down in my seat. And this couple sits next to me. I can tell immediately that they’re not American white, because American white has a couple of washes. It’s a little dingy. And these people looked like they sprung forth from an Alp… singing “Frozen,” skied down onto the tarmac on a sleigh, and then boarded this flight. We all know that if you’re in the aisle, you can get up and sit down as many times as you want. You can go to the bathroom, come back, it’s fine. Whatever. That’s your aisle. If you’re in the middle seat, I mean, you played yourself. I don’t know what you was thinkin’. This is silly. You should have thought earlier, you should have booked faster. I mean, this is foolish. I can’t promise you armrests. I can’t. You need to sleep on the tray table. Yep. Compress. If you at the windows… you run the windows. Okay? If there are four windows here, I run these windows. These is my windows. Everybody know that. So we begin to taxi… and it happened. A hand… reached across my body… …to close the window. How black am I gon’ have to get? Now this is a good time in the show for me to share with you all… that I am trans. Trans-thug. I was born in this body, but within me, is Suge Knight. So when that hand reached across my body, without even thinking I was, like… Pass that shit back! No joke. She gon’ get all huffy. “Uh, eh, uh, uh, uh…” “I was just trying to close my window.” Whose window? Mm! So I was like, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.” I was really getting revved up. Really getting turnt, and… When I decided how black I was gonna get, I said, “You know what?” “You ain’t tryin’ to get on the no-fly list.” So, we’re gonna handle this… um, at Michelle Obama black. They go low… We go high. We go high. I decided to… dig into my masters in African-American studies from Columbia University… …that I am still paying for… …and handle this intellectually. So I said, “You know, ma’am, “I think this is just a cultural difference. “Here in America… “we are all about personal space. “And this… “is my personal space. And you invaded my personal space.” That’s when her little boo-thing, Prince Harry, gon’ chime in. “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” “You don’t have to tell her about personal space.” Ooh! Okay, Prince Patrick. Go ahead. Now, I couldn’t discern what language they were speaking, but it sounded something like this: “Zu-ba-da-ba-da-ba-a-ba-la… personal space.” “Za-ba-da-la-da-ba-a-ba-la… okay.” So, you don’t want me to explain personal space. But y’all don’t even have the words “personal space” in your language! But I’m a peaceful soul. So I say, “I’m gonna let them have this.” So we took off. Now, later on in the flight when we began our initial descent, I was asleep. But remember, I’m a thug. So I sleep with… That’s right. One eye open. So I hear Prince Richard… say, “Ah-ah-ah! Can you please close the window?” And I awaken… thinking he’s speaking to me. When I realized, no! He’s addressing a flight attendant. Betrayal. So I get turnt. Oh, my God. I’m like, “Oh! “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! “Oh, oh! That’s what we doing. That’s what we… okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” Yeah, I was like, “How black am I gon’ get?” We about to be Suge Knight Turbo out here, all right? You know how like, when the Hulk turns green? I started turning into a red suit, okay? A cigar starting forming in his fingers, okay? I was like, “Oh, heeeell, no!” “Oh, heeeell, no! You wanna be with somebody where the people ain’t in all the videos.” Like, it was really… It was about to go down. But through my rage… I thought I saw an apparition. And I realized, no, no, no. This is real. I was wrong, y’all. I wasn’t the only black person on that plane. And this wasn’t just a black flight attendant. Y’all, this was a n i g g a-ttendant. He looked like just the day before, he was bouncin’ at a strip club. And he turned to some stripper and was like, “I just wanna see the world.” And she was like, “Go and get yo’ wings, baby.” And here he was. Tyrone. The odds are high. Flying the friendly skies. So Prince Matthew over here… gon’ ask again. “Excuse me.” “Can you close the window?” And… Tyrone and I… exchanged that look. That look that all black people do… when something so cauca-tious… …is taking place that we can’t even use words. We must communicate on a higher Vibranium level. And a peace came over me. ‘Cause in that look, I knew, I didn’t have to wonder how black I was gon’ have to get. Tyrone was black enough for both of us. When Prince William asked, one more again… “Excuse me. Can you please close the window?” Tyrone said… “Nah.” Tyrone, Tyrone. N i g g a s. I love n i g g a s. I do, I do. I love n i g g a s. People be like, “Amanda, you always givin’ n i g g a s a hard time. You a man-basher.” I’m like, “Nah. I’m just very particular about my vagenda.” Your vagenda is a woman’s list of who could get it. Okay? You got to be particular. Shit, I know I got to be particular, because fuckin’ with me is a privilege. Also, I’m older now. You understand? I’m grown. I’m a grown-up woman. When you grown, you don’t make mistakes. You make choices. That’s why I’m lookin’ at every dick like the side of a cereal box. I wanna know your nutritional value, n i g g a. Are you exceeding my daily recommended dose of fuck boy? ‘Cause it’s zero. Got to be particular about your vagenda. And for the record, as easy as it is to get on a vagenda, it’s just as easy to get struck from a vagenda. I had a n i g g a say to me, “Yeah, my goal one day, is to have a house with no mirrors.” What are we talking about? What are we, what are we… talking about? If your house ain’t got no mirrors, how are me and LaTravious gon’ communicate? And get my shit straight. Struck from the vagenda. Someone said, “Oh, my God.” I know. I had another… I had another dude tell me, very nonchalantly, “Yeah, Stevie Wonder’s just overrated.” Sir! I can’t fuck you now! “Ribbon in the Sky” was on the playlist! Eh. True story. I had a man say to me… “Yeah, I don’t fuck with birds.” Now… He had a good job. He had a degree. He owned a home. So, I said, “Let me give him the benefit of the doubt.” And I retorted… “Oh, you mean like, promiscuous women? Birds.” And he said, “Nah, like birds. They be flyin’ and shit. “I don’t fuck with birds.” What are we talking about now? Struck from the vagenda! So you got to be careful. You got to be careful with who’s on your vagenda. Because the dick can touch the “hort.” Now when a dick touch the hort, it means it has affected you, not just physically but emotionally. Okay? Now when you young, and the dick touch the hort, it ain’t really that deep. ‘Cause you was just happy you got a period that you know you don’t deserve. Reckless asses. Reckless. Again in a public restroom, like, “Yes, I’m still in the game, n i g g a s! “I’m still in the game, I’m still in the game! “Ah! “I’m still in the game! I’m still in the game!” Hallelu-hallelu! My God knows me. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. Thank you. One more semester to go. One more to go. That happened to me in real life one time. I was in a restroom, and I was like, “Yes!” And the woman in the stall next to me went, “Do your thang, girl.” Okay. You gotta be careful. ‘Cause when you’re older, and the dick touch the hort… that shit’ll rock you. Okay? You got to go meditate. You be like, “Damn. This n i g g a done shifted my chakras.” “Where are my crystals?” So you don’t want that to happen with the wrong person. Okay? Because when the dick touch the hort, you can get a nasty case of STS. Not STDs. STS. Some call it “dick-whipped.” Some call it “dick-matized.” I call it “sexually transmitted stupidity.” Mm-hmm. Yeeeees. Because when the dick touch the hort, it can infect your intellect. Have you just doing dumb shit. Like be at a n i g g a house, and look down, and there’s a mattress on the floor… surrounded by Jordans, like a moat, protecting you from yourself. Now you know you should take yo’ ass home. ‘Cause this ain’t no place for a queen. And if you’re over 30, this isn’t even practical, because your knees and your back can’t even… What you gon’ do when you gotta go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You gotta stop, drop… …and roll. It don’t make no sense. It’s ergonomically not for you. It’s not for you. But that STS, that sexually transmitted stupidity will have you lookin’ at it like… Negotiating. Yeah. It’s worth it. And now your ass is on your stomach gettin’ hit from the back with your forehead four inches from the ground. Be careful. Bap, bap, bap. That ain’t a hickey. That’s a bruise. So, please… Please! Protect your vagenda. ‘Cause the dick can touch the hort. Now, men, you know you’re not exempt. Okay? You’re not exempt. Because… yes, the dick can touch the hort, but any woman who knows her worth… knows her power… The pussy can snatch the soul! Thank you! Stay blessed! Holla! What up! Y’all. Thank you so much. Some folks… Some folks thought this wasn’t gonna happen, but… Thank you all so much! Have a good night!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

PETE DAVIDSON: ALIVE FROM NEW YORK (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-alive-from-new-york-transcript/

So, Louis C.K. tried to get me fired from SNL my first year, and this is that story. So, it’s, like, 2014 or ’15, uh, and it’s the finale of SNL, and I-I was so shocked and happy that I didn’t get fired, and this is a feeling that I get to relive every week. -I get… Just, it– it’s really awesome. I can’t– I still can’t believe it. It’s very funny. Um, so, I was just celebrating, you know? Louis C.K. was hosting, and at the time, Louis C.K. was, like, a very well-respected comedian. Like, at the time. Like, yeah. At the time, he was someone that you would look up to and want approval of, at the time. At the time, it was someone you wanted to be nice to you. Um, anyway, so he was hosting, and I-I was just thrilled, so, uh, I smoked a joint, uh, in my dressing room, and as I was leaving to go into the elevators, um… Louis C.K. was, like, holding court and talking to, like, a bunch of the cast and writers and, like, cool people, and, like, they were, like, clearly very into a conversation, so I was just, like, “I don’t want any part of that.” Like, you know, I’m high. I don’t wanna, like, ruin it for anybody. Or, like, I don’t want that guy to know I exist, you know? So I just put my hoodie on, and I closed it really tight, and I walked all the way around to the other side of the elevators so I could not, you know, be in the way at all, and, uh, so I press the button, and I’m just waitin’ there, and then all of a sudden, Louis C.K. stops his conversation. He looks up and points at me and goes, “Look how fuckin’ high Pete is, that fuckin’ idiot! Just getting fuckin’ high at work, you stupid fuck. You’re gonna smoke your career away, idiot.” – Oh, my God. And I was, like, so high, I was like, “That didn’t happen.” -I was like, “No, no. No. Nah.” This is a me issue, for sure. He probably said, “See you tomorrow, champ.” -You know, I probably… So I go to work the next day, and I get a phone call from Lorne Michaels’ office. Uh, this was alarming because I’ve been there for a year, and I have yet to hear from his office until today. So I was like, “Oh, shit.” You know? So I answered the phone, and they’re like, “Hey, Louis just left Lorne’s office. He went in there to talk about you, and now Lorne wants to– you– to talk to you now,” and I was like, “Oh, fuck. All right.” You know, ’cause I was like, “Now I’m gettin’ fired.” Like, this is what I thought, so I was just trying to hype myself up. It’s like I was just like, you know, uh, “Fuck them. They’re the ones who look stupid anyway. They hired and fired you. They’re wrong twice.” -You know? Fuckin’… yeah. I was like, “You could creep into the back and wild out, and nobody would fuckin’ notice. -Who gives a shit, right?” Um… So… I was walking, uh, into his office, just trying to feel better and whatever, and I open the door, and Lorne’s sitting there, right? And he, uh, looks really confused, uh, as do I ’cause, you know, that’s just, like, how I look, you know? I look like, you know, you just asked me to, like, divide. – Uh… I don’t know. Um… anyway, so he looks very confused, and he’s like, “Sit down.” So I do, and he goes, “So… uh… um, Louis, uh, came in and told me that, uh, you smoke weed.” Uh, and I was like, “Uh, yes. Uh… the rumors that you have heard ring true.” And then I saw, with his eyes, he kinda looked deflated, like he didn’t know what to say, you know? ‘Cause with his eyes, he’s like, “I’m sorry we’re having this conversation, but, like, Louis told on you, and he told me to talk to you, and, personally, I don’t think this is a big deal ’cause people used to do coke here, and I think you’re a pussy, actually. I’m really sorry we’re having this conversation.” You know, and I read that with his eyes, and with my eyes, I said, “No doubt, homie.” So… You know, it was just, like, awkward for another second, and it was quiet, and then he goes, “Yeah, so I guess, uh, you know, what you could do is, I guess, you know, ’cause I– he said you smoke a lot of weed, so maybe you could just, like, watch, uh, the amount of weed that you smoke.” And I was like, “All right, I’ll watch.” I was like, “I’ll never leave it out of my sight.” I was like, “No problem. I’m a man of my word.” And I was like… Uh, he goes, “Yeah.” He goes, “Um, again, I’m sorry to have this conversation with you, but Louis brought it to my attention and said, you know, you’re smokin’, uh, your career away, and you smoked so much weed in the office the other day that it actually made him uncomfortable.” And I was like, “Oh, shit. Like, really?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Oh, so, like, am I fired?” And he was like, “No.” And I was like, “Why?” And he was like, “I don’t know.” -Uh… Which, again, is a conversation we have yearly, on a yearly basis. “Is this the year?” “I don’t know. Not yet. I don’t know. We’ll figure– We’ll figure it out. I don’t know.” And that fucking killed me, you know? Like, I had to leave that office, like, with that. You know, just like, Louis C.K. doesn’t like you, you know? One of the best comedians arguably ever, you know, and especially at the time, like, one of… It just killed me, you know, ’cause, like, why am I even doing stand-up if this guy doesn’t like me, you know? That’s somebody’s approval you want, and I was like, “This guy fucking doesn’t like me ’cause I smoke weed?” That– that sucks, you know? And I had to, like, sit with that for, like, five years, you know? -And then, one glorious morning… …I woke up, and I read: “Louis C.K. jerks off in front of women.” And I went, “Yes!” I’m… You know what I mean. Like, I didn’t want it to happen, but if it was gonna happen to anybody, I’m glad it was him. You know, does that make sense? Okay. Nah, it’s just… Let me just tell you how crazy it is to jerk off alone, okay? Um… Yeah, just, you know, be in the room with me, you know? -Is it okay? – Yeah. -Um… So… just, you know, jerking off alone is fuckin’ weird. You ever, like, jerk off, and it– it’s taking a long time, and you can’t even make yourself come, and you’re like, “You’re a fuckin’ loser. Like, you can’t… can’t even do yourself. Oof. What makes you think anybody else would wanna do you?” You know? There’s that old tale, you catch yourself in the mirror? That’s happened to me, actually, ’cause I’m stupid. Not any– never again ’cause now I jerk off in the pitch-black. Yeah, I do. Phone facedown, you know, ’cause you could get a text, and it could reflect off the mirror, and then you can catch yourself in the corner jerking off. Mom text at the top. You ever try to jerk off after getting a mom text? It’s– it’s damn near impossible. I didn’t say “impossible,” but it is damn near, for sure. It is one of the harder things I’ve had to do. But, no, it just– it bummed me out, like, hearin’ all this shit ’cause, like, I just felt bad for all those women that he jerked off in front of. It’s just really sad, you know, ’cause it really affected them, and, like, if they only knew that, like, you know, when Louis, like, whipped out his dick and started jerkin’ it, if they just, like, lit up a blunt, he would’ve been like, “Oh, fuck, is that weed? Holy shit, you fuckin’ animals. I’m telling. You pieces of shit. Oh, fuck. You’re gonna smoke away your career.” My friend, uh, that I financially support, uh, had a kid, so, uh, I’m a dad. Yeah, I wasn’t exactly ready for it. Uh… He gave me a call. He was all excited. He was like, “Yo, bro. I got great news.” I was like, “You got a job?” And he was like, “No, bro. I had a kid.” And I was like, “Wow, that’s, like, the exact opposite of a job.” I can’t wait to have a kid. I’m very excited. I don’t think it’s very hard at all. No, ’cause all my friends are havin’ ’em, and their complaints, uh, they don’t, uh, bother me very much. All their complaints are the same. They’re like, “Bro, it cries!” And I’m like, “Oh, man, go in the other room.” Yeah, everything cries. You know? You try to make it stop, and then you leave. I cry all the time. Eventually, my friends are like, “Yo, dude, I gotta go to work. I don’t know. Fuckin’ figure it out. Get offline.” So that, they say it cries, uh, and the other complaint is, they’re like, “Yo, it, like, shits all the time.” And that doesn’t really bother me either, because, like, you know, so do I. You know, so I don’t mind cleaning it up at, like, a smaller scale, you know? Plus, when you clean kids, sometimes you see spots that, like, you might have missed on yourself, you know? Yeah. You know? You’re like, “Wow, I’ve never seen my asshole from this angle before.” You’re like, “I will dab that corner when I hop out the shower.” You hop out the shower, you’re like, -“Son of a bitch.” I love babysitting… uh, ’cause I microdose mushrooms, so I speak baby. -Uh… Yeah, I love it. They’re talking, you know? Uh, the other day, my, uh, my nephew was like, “Bleh,” and I was like, “Forensic Files. Got it.” So, I was… Mushrooms are great. Mushrooms are like… are kinda like being on a roller coaster when you’re, like, going up, but, like, you just never go down. It’s just the way up, you know, where you’re like, “This is sick! This is awesome! I can’t believe we’re doin’ this! Oh, my God!” for like four hours. Something weird, uh, happened when I was babysitting, uh, the other day. Uh, my friend, uh, his son i-is still teething, right? And, uh, so, like, we were watchin’ Forensic Files, and I was just sittin’ there, and, uh, h-he’s teething, so he just, like, grabbed my hand and started, like, sucking my fingers, but, like, good. –Like… Like, I definitely left it in there for a second. I was like, “No! Wow, but no!” I know that joke splits the room. -Uh… I’m aware. It’s not the first time I’ve done this. Uh… I know it’s weird to tell jokes like that, but this is a joke, you know. This is a comedy club. You know, it would be weird if this was, like, a town hall meeting, and I, like, grab the mic, and I was like, “Hey, guys, here are some ideas I have.” “All right, I’ll be in the lot with buttons.” Um… I think girls should tell guys how to make them come. Uh… Like, the first time you have sex. Before, like, have a debriefing, you know? You know, ’cause apparently every girl is different is, uh, you know, what I’m telling myself. Everyone is different, and I think one of them is just dead inside. -Um… Yeah, I think– I’m like, “No, I think you’re just broken.” -Uh… No, no, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I don’t know. Sometimes, you just say giggly things. Um, no, but yeah, girls should tell guys, uh, how to make them come. Not when they’re comfortable, you know. I know you don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, but it won’t. Uh, it doesn’t. You know, you could be– we could be mid-, you know, fuck, and you could be like, “I hate this,” and we’ll be like, “Oh, how’s this? Good? Okay, forgotten.” You know? Didn’t even happen. You know? You should just tell the guy, you know? Like, I guess guy stuff is very self-explanatory, right? You just, like, yank it, and shit flies out, right? It’s really easy. Like, my son could do it, and, uh… -Aw. But yeah, apparently, you know, it’s not very hard to make girls come. You know, like, if you’re sweating and out of breath, I’m told you have done it wrong. But, you know, all I know is from, like, porn because I grew up with just, like, a mom and a sister, right? So, like, we never had that talk, you know? I just never had that dinner where I felt comfortable to be like, you know, “Yo, guys. If I wasn’t your son or brother, uh…” You know, so, uh, everything I knew, uh, was from porn, which is, like, a lot of movement and, like, screaming and, uh… You know, sometimes you just take it out and do a couple push-ups, you know, and then go right… Um, sorry. You know, so I-I didn’t really– I didn’t really know, but, like, luckily, uh, one, uh, lady told me. Apparently, there’s just, like… there’s this little… uh, this little thing in the vagina. It’s, like, a little circle thing. I-It kinda… You know boxing? It kinda looks like the thing that’s like this. The, like, speed bag thing. The thing that guys go slow or quite fast on. And apparently, the vagina is, uh, quite the same. You know? You know, you just kinda just tap that little thing very, very lightly… uh, or– or floor it, uh, apparently. Those are the two options. Yeah. Don’t even have to change your outfit. Uh… But, yeah, you should just tell the guy, you know? Like I said, guy stuff is very self-explanatory, but if someone ever pulled my pants down and just started, like, punching my dick, I wouldn’t be like, “Aw, fuck! I hope she figures it out. -Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! This is war.” I would be like, “Who sent you? What is this? Is this… Is this an assassination attempt?” Like, here’s something, uh, that no guy likes, but we’re, like, afraid, uh, to tell, uh, the girl, you know, because, uh, we’re, like, so close to… b-banging… There’s not many words, uh, t-to say what that is, so “banging” is, you know, the most appropriate… for… And this is gonna be on Nickelodeon. -Yeah. You know. Yeah, that’s why I wore a suit, you know. ‘Cause usually, I don’t. I always just usually dress like I’m ready to be slimed. -Uh, but… But I found a nice lady suit at the Banana Republic, and I’m fucking crushing it right now. I look like a divorced wife who just, like, got it together. “Don’t come back. I have a repertoire now.” Um… But, yeah, here’s something that– that no– no guy likes, uh, at all. Uh, you know when, like, a girl’s on top, right? Before they, like, shove the dick in them? Again, I know that’s not the best way to say it, but believe it or not, I’ve tried five other ways, and “shove the dick in them” won by, like, a landslide. -I-It… So just imagine how horrible the other four were, right? -Suddenly it’s better. Um… So, yeah, you know when they’re on top, and they’re about to slam it up there? -Uh… See? Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I was sayin’. So you know when you’re on top, and you’re about to shove the dick in ya? Uh… Some– Some girls, most, uh, usually they just start sliding, uh, o-on top of the dicks before they put it up there. They’re just like, “Yeah. Yeah, do you like this?” No, we don’t. Fuckin’ hurts, a lot. Stop doing that, every girl ever, please. Please. Just put it in there. Please. It hurts so fucking bad. It hurts, you know, ’cause you shave or you don’t, either way, you’re all prickly down there, right? And then you just start, like, rubbing that against our bare little dicks. That shit hurts. You’re like, “Ooh, you like that?” We’re like, “No. Have you ever gotten an Indian burn? ‘Cause that’s what it feels like. Feels like you’re my mom’s weird friend that would do that -when she wasn’t around.” Yeah, everybody remembers that weird friend, right? Everybody’d go upstairs, and he’d be like, “Hey, kid. You ever get an Indian burn?” And you’d be like, “No,” and at first, you’d be like, “Cool!” And then you’re like, “Hey, stop, mister!” Yeah. No– no– no guy likes that, okay? It feels very bad. Feels like sandpaper. I guess girls can’t tell, because, like, the enjoyment and the pain face are pretty much the same during fucking. They’re both like, “Ah.” You know, so, like, I guess… But it– it– it really hurts, a lot. You know, and then… and then all of a sudden, uh, your dick gets, like, all chapped and, like, ripped apart, and– and then the next day, you wake up and you’re like, “What the fuck is this?” You’re like, “What– what is this? Did I get some new STD that a-arrives within 24 hours? This is crazy.” And then I go to the doctor, and I’m like, “Hey, man, what is this?” And he’s like, “You need to learn how to fuck,” and I’m like, “What? What is this?” Doctors in Staten Island are– are a lot different. I don’t know. I, um… I have a– I have a lot of gay friends. Uh… I like, um, my gay friends ’cause I don’t think there’s, like, a more honest relationship between, like, a gay dude and a straight dude, ’cause there’s just, like, nothing to gain, you know? So it’s just pure honesty, and– and gay dudes are the most honest people in the world, -also mean, but… Just honest, we could say, but it’s really mean. -Um, like, I’ll give you an example. Like, I left my mom’s house the– Well, it’s my house too. Uh, fuck you. I don’t gotta explain myself, okay? I’m very, uh, comfortable with my situation. No, yeah. I love livin’ with my mom, uh, you know? ‘Cause, uh, I have my– I live in the basement. – It’s an apartment… um… …and then there’s a– well, there’s the u-upper floor, which we call the common area… ’cause we’re roommates. I got– I got my own entrance downstairs, says: “Pete’s… Entrance.” -It does. Yeah, it does. Yeah. It’s fuckin’ cool. Endless amount of Gushers. Uh-uh, you’re laughing, but only the– only the cool cats are allowed down there. I gotta tell ya. Mom has to knock. -Yeah, there’s no… She doesn’t barge in there, ever. Always knock. Anyway, yeah. Also, every girl I date has, like, a whole batch of gay friends, right? But there’s always one gay friend that I don’t think is fuckin’ gay at all. Yeah. Girls laugh. Every guy’s like, “Yeah, Kyle. Fuck that guy. Fuckin’ hate that guy. Can’t say anything, but I want to.” If you’re confused, it’s the guy that, like… uh, y-your boyfriend will come up to you and be like, “Hey, what’s up with, uh… What’s up with Kyle? You know, that guy, you know, always hanging around.” Your girlfriend’ll have the same response always, “Who, him? Kyle?” And you’re like, “Yeah, what’s up? What’s up with that boy? You know, what’s going on?” And then your girlfriend will be like, “Aw, please. He’s gay.” You know? And you’ll be like, “Well, is that, like, confirmed? Is it, like— is it out on the streets? Do the streets know that he’s gay?” Uh, and then your girl will say the same thing, “No, but, like, everybody knows.” And you’re like, “Mm, not this fuckin’ guy, okay? I don’t know that. Nope. I’m onto you, Kyle. Okay?” The sleepovers, you know? If you hate pussy so much, why are you cuddling it? Very weird. You know? You’ll never find me, like, cuddling a package of parking tickets or something like that, you know? Different things, yes, but good enough for me. You know, I-I-I don’t get it. You know, uh, there’s this– this certain type of gay dude, uh, I call them the fondlers… uh… because there’s– right now, there’s no rule for gay dudes. They can pretty much do whatever they want. Uh, it’s pretty fuckin’ crazy. Uh… You know, and a-all power to you, but, like, there’s a lot of power. -Uh… There is! You know, gay dudes, like, there’s the fondlers, right? It’s that gay dude that’ll, like, run up on your girlfriend and, like, squeeze her boobs and, like, slap her ass and be like, “Damn, girl, you look great!” I don’t find that fuckin’ funny, like, at all. I’m sorry. Like, I’m all for the gayness, you know. It doesn’t mean I’m against gayness. It’s just, like, you know how hard I work to fucking slap titties and… You know? You know how many fuckin’ birthdays I’ve missed? You know, friends I’ve lost? Christmases spent in Ohio… …and you just get to slap ass on a technicality? That’s not fuckin’ fair at all. Yeah, right in front of you. Walk up, slap the ass, giggle. You know, just ’cause he could, you know? I would never do that just ’cause I could, you know? I wouldn’t, like, walk up to his boyfriend and, like, tug his dick and be like, “Nice, Gary. Not for me, but cool!” Why? What? I’m straight. What? You know, there’s certain rules for certain people, and I don’t understand, you know? Uh, it just doesn’t make sense to me, you know? But I-I can’t fight it, ’cause I’ve already played the fight out in my head, and I’m sure many of you guys have, uh, where, like, it just– it never works. I always lose, you know? Uh, I go up to him, a-and he, you know, he, you know, slaps her ass, uh, you know, grabs her boobs, and does a little giggle dance, and then I go, “Hey– hey, Kyle. What the fuck?” And then Kyle decides to come out that day and goes, uh, “Oh, uh, I’m gay.” A-And then it’s over. He won. That’s it. That’s the entire fight. You know, you might as well be like, “Sorry, as you were.” Tap it or floor it, I’ve been told. It’s just weird ’cause it only works… uh, it only works gay dude, uh, straight girl. It doesn’t work any other way, right? Like, it doesn’t work, like, straight dude, gay girl, right? Like, I can’t walk up to a lesbian and, like, grab her boobs and be like, “It’s okay. We both hate this.” Um… I get in trouble a lot. Uh, like, well, I got pulled over today on the way here. Uh, and does anybody, when they get pulled over, put on, like, Billy Joel? ‘Cause you think the officer’s gonna come up, “License and reg– Billy Joel! Get the fuck out of here, dude! You’re not a piece of shit. I thought you’d be listenin’ to 2 Chainz or something. All right.” Oh, man. It’s even more awkward when it doesn’t work. Then you’re just sitting there, and he’s like, “License and registra– -Can you turn off Bill Withers?” But, uh, I get in a– I get in a lot of trouble. I got in trouble last year ’cause I-I was makin’, uh, makin’ some jokes, and, uh, I got in trouble, uh, ’cause I made fun of this gentleman with an eye patch that’s in politics. His name is Dan Crenshaw. Uh… I was– I didn’t think I did anything wrong. It was, like, words that were twisted so that a guy could, you know, do– be famous, but, uh, yeah, I don’t… I-It… This is pretty much what it is. I-I would like… ‘Cause I don’t have, like, Twitter, so I can’t, like, explain myself every time something bad happens. I was like, “I guess I’ll just shoot a special and tell everybody. Yeah, since I’m not allowed on the Internet.” Uh… Yeah. I’m pretty sure if I go on the Internet, I’d, like, go to jail or something. – Um… So, I made fun of this guy, uh, with an eye patch, uh, and then, like, I kinda got forced to apologize ’cause, like, people were, like, threatening to, like, shoot me in the face, and unfortunately, you know, I didn’t pick up that call. -My roommate did, so… …she wasn’t fuckin’ cool with that… and my roommate thought that I should apologize so that I didn’t get shot in the face. So… I, um… This is what happened. So, like I said, I’m very limited on SNL. I don’t know, uh, i-if you’ve seen it. Probably haven’t, um, uh, but, yeah, it’s very minimal, the amount of stuff I get to do, right? So we were just sittin’ there, and we were like, “What the fuck could you do, dude? Uh… You know, like you’re part of the roast family, right? You do those roasts.” I was like, “Sure. That’s a thing. Roast family. Okay.” Um… They were like, “Yeah, why don’t you just do a roast of, like, politicians and stuff on Update or whatever?” And I was like, “Aw, sick. That’ll buy me another six episodes, right?” You know, I was like, “Fuck, yeah. All right, cool.” You know? So, uh, you know, i-it’s the same rules, uh, as 8 Mile with roasting, right? Y-You make fun of yourself, and then you make fun of everybody else, right? Uh, so I got this big sheet of paper with a bunch of faces, right? And I just started writing jokes, you know? This guy, that lady, this guy, that lady… And then this guy Dan Crenshaw pops up, right? And he has an eye patch, right? So already, I’m like, “This guy has a sense of humor.” Right? It’s, well– ‘Cause he has an eye patch, you know? If you lose your eye, there’s like three other things you could do before you go eye patch, right? I-I’m not being a dick, seriously. Y-You go glass eye, you go glass eye with the glasses over it, and then you go fuckin’ sunglasses, and then you get an eye patch, right? So I was like, “This guy is funny.” I was like, “This guy is self-aware.” I was like, “What a sport.” Right? So… um, I was like, “All right, let’s just write, like, a harmless, you know, joke or whatever, right?” And, uh, I was like, “Okay. This guy looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Very harmless Saturday Night Live joke, right, where you’re like, “Ha-ha-ha. Next stop, please.” Um, that was me in a cab. -Uh, and, the– That’s where it plays. Uh… we’ll cut that. Cut that right out. No problems at all. Cut it right out. Never happened. Right back to fucking. Right back to fucking. Never even happened. Um… Oh, I always wanted to do this. Congrats on fucking. Uh, thanks for unpausing and continuing to watch. – Sorry. I just… I’ve always wanted that to happen when I was watching a Netflix thing. Hey, man, how was it? Was it cool? Was it everything you hoped for? I hope so. Must have been good to pause it at the Crenshaw shit… …you motherfucker. Uh… We’re havin’ fun. No, sorry. – Okay. I don’t even… Fine. Um… So, you know, I wrote a little joke, like, uh, you know, um… You know, “He looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Wrote it. Didn’t even think about it, right? Uh, then all of a sudden, right before I’m about to go on the floor to do the fuckin’ Update, uh, one of my buddies who helped me write it goes, uh, “Hey, man. Uh, I just did some research.” And I was like, “You just did some research now?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” They wait till, like, the last minute over there. Um… And he’s like, “Yeah, that guy, Dan Crenshaw? I think he might have lost his eye in, like, a war or something like that.” I was like, “What?” They were like, “Pete, come to the floor.” I was like, “Fuck!” And he was like, “Dude, you’re gonna be great. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. It’s your face out there, not mine. It’s gonna go great.” So I go out there, and I try to be mindful, which is hard ’cause I’m always on mushrooms or, you know, stuff like that. So, like, being mindful is, like, fuckin’, ugh, top-of-the-list tough. Uh, you know? Not like being mindful, just, like, all-of-a-sudden mindful. Like, “Hey!” And you’re like, “Oh!” Thank you to the 12 people that understood that. Ee! What the fuck, joke? Like I said, they’re just givin’ ’em out to everybody on Netflix. Right here, sir. Yo, you fucked again? That’s awesome, dude. Thank you again for coming back. I appreciate it. Man, that must’ve been good, son. That’s what’s up. That’s what’s up. Seriously, though, during the Crenshaw shit? Come on, man. That’s fucking… I’m enjoying that with you ’cause it’s the first time I also heard it. Um… So, you know, I-I go on the floor, right? And my buddy told me he might’ve lost his eye in a war, so right now, I’m like, “Aw, fuck. I got to be mindful of that, right?” I got to apologize after the joke I say, right? Get– get ahead of it, right? So I-I slide out, right? And I do. I do apologize. I remember exactly how it went. I remember exactly what I said. I’ll never forget it. -Uh… I said, “Uh, Dan Crenshaw. He looks like a hit man in a porno, right?” Got that fucking mediocre, you know, laugh, right? And then right after, I go, “I’m sorry. I know he might’ve lost his eye in a war or whatever,” and I said “whatever,” and people were like, “You hate America!” I’m like, “No! I just didn’t want to be incorrect about how he lost his fuckin’ eye.” Is that a fucking crime? He could’ve lost his eye in war or whatever. I don’t know how he lost his eye. Could’ve been in Afghanistan, could’ve been making a sandwich. I have no fuckin’ idea. Sorry I don’t have fuckin’ Dan Crenshaw fuckin’ baseball cards with all of his stats and information. My bad. It’s an expression. I was trying to be mindful. You know? General Patton, right? General Patton, one of America’s greatest heroes. He died in Nazi Germany a week after the war in a car accident, right? But when we talk about the great General Patton, we say, “You know, he died in war or whatever,” you know? It’s just easier to say rather than, like, “Well, he won the war, and then made a bad turn, and…” Yeah. It’s an expression. Doesn’t mean I hate America. Okay? So, the only thing I-I-I-I don’t like is people, like, “It’s your fault that guy won,” and that’s not true. I think, like, most of the votes were in, and that guy is a Republican with an eye patch in Texas. Uh, so it was a lock before it even started. Yeah. I could’ve told you that. They just, in Texas, I’m pretty sure they just only have pictures. That’s how they vote. You know? So I-I did not make that guy win, okay? That is, you know, America’s fault. You know? As is this. Uh… Yeah. You know? I did not– I did not do anything for that guy. The only thing I did do, which I am guilty of, and I apologize for, is I did make that guy famous and a household name for no reason, right? I did what, like, Ariana Grande did for me, right? Yeah. Yes. “I sucked his dick at SNL.” Uh… I wasn’t gonna do jokes about this, but then my buddy told me, he’s like, “Yo, I’ve recently heard that Ariana said she had no idea who you were, and she just dated you as a distraction.” So now I just think it’s, like, fair game. Uh… So, yeah. Also, don’t applaud. This isn’t, like, a Drake vs. Lil Wayne concert. Like, this isn’t, like, a competition, you know? She has, you know, her songs and stuff, and this is what I have, okay? So… all right. That’s– that’s it, all right? Um, so… And you’re like, “Pete, this isn’t fair.” Like, “You’re airing out dirty laundry. How could you do that? Where did she say this stuff? To her friends in the confidence of her own home?” No, she said it on the cover of Vogue magazine. Can you imagine if I did that? Can you imagine if I did that? My career would be over tomorrow. If I spray-painted myself brown and hopped on the cover of Vogue magazine… -…and just started shitting on my ex. Can you imagine– No, don’t clap. Those are Drake vs. Lil Wayne claps. I don’t like that. I like the giggles. It’s just jokes. Can you imagine if I did that? If I was like, “Yeah, I was just fucking her ’cause I was bored, and then Fortnite came out.” It would be insane. And you’re like, “Pete, something had to happen to her, right? There had to be some repercussions, right?” No. She won Billboard’s Woman of the Year, and I got called “butthole eyes” by barstoolsports.com. So sometimes, life is a little unfair. Again, these are jokes. I-I don’t want any smoke, okay? From– My biggest fear is I’m gonna get a shot in the back of the head by, like, a nine-year-old with a ponytail. And the last thing I’m gonna hear is, “Hashtag canceled,” and then just pop, right in the back of the head. Again, I don’t want no smoke from the… from the nine-year-olds. Um… No, she’s a really powerful woman, that, uh, that– that, uh, Ariana. She’s a–she’s a very, very powerful woman, you know, a-and very smart. You know, you gotta be to be able to ruin Starbucks for a person. You know? I walked into Starbucks. I was like, “Can I have a medium coffee?” The guy was like… “Fuck you. I’m going to Dunkin’ Donuts. Why are they getting rid of them in the city? I can’t find one.” A lot of people ask me all the time, you know, like, “What was that like…” Well, it’s like any other breakup, you know, just except everybody sees it. Uh… – Oh! Yeah, it’s just– it’s, uh, like… I-I didn’t know what I was get– I kinda knew what I was getting into, but I didn’t know about the picture thing. If I knew about that, I would’ve seen a dermatologist before I started dating. I would’ve, like, taken proper precaution, but I didn’t really… It’s like any other breakup. You have your boys over. They all lie to you. You know? They’re like, “Dude, no problem, bro. Pfft. Nobody even knows who she is.” -Uh… “Oh, it’s all good, bro. It’s all good. Better off. No problem.” You know? And then that song came out, and my friends were like, “Bro, I love you. I love you, right? Shit is catchy. Shit is very catchy. You’re gonna have a rough eight months. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I actually happen to like the song. I’m sorry. I like you but…” My grandpa said, he goes, “It’s a slap. “Peter, Peter, it’s a slap. Uh, I’m really sorry. Uh… It’s a good song, and I don’t– I don’t even listen to that shit.” And I was like, “I get it!” Um… But yeah. Uh, this is the only thing I didn’t like that I got out of it, which every– is a common misconception. Uh, I don’t like that she talked all this shit on, like, behalf of my dick. I thought that was, like, super weird. She was like, “Yeah, it didn’t work out, but, like, nice dick.” I thought that was really weird ’cause everybody was like, “Aw, that’s– that’s– what a nice… what a nice, uh, girl.” First of all, let’s take a step back. Can you imagine if I said that shit? Can you imagine if I was like, “Sorry it didn’t work out. Nice pussy, though! That shit wet! Whoo! Good pussy, but sorry.” It’s ridiculous. I had to sit there like, “Ah.” Yeah. This is the only thing. It just– I didn’t like it because it’s just simply not true. Uh, yeah. Yeah. It’s just not– She has little, tiny, little hands. She has… just very little hands. Everything’s fucking huge to her. Yeah. It was a fucking joke the entire time we were together. I was like, “Huge to you, but small to everyone else. This rocks!” You know? So you ask yourself, you’re like, “Why? Then, why, if she knows this information, then why would she tell everybody what a great, big penis you have?” Right? Why would she do that? You know? ‘Cause to the outside, you’re like, “Wow. What a nice lady. Didn’t work out. Gave him a– Gave him a nice word.” You know? -“Told everybody he has a nice penis.” Right? That’s not why. She did that so that– Well, she’s a genius. Remember this. She’s a very smart person, okay? She did that so that every girl that sees my dick for the rest of my life is disappointed. – Aw! It’s genius! It’s a lifetime L. Hold that. I didn’t even get to enjoy my big dick summer, or whatever the fuck it was called. Please stop doing that. I have a family that reads. Stop. My poor mother. Anyway, uh, we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How does that sound? Cool. Yeah. Only time I’ll allow cheering for 9/11. My, uh, my– my dad, he– he died on 9/11. And I was told I had to explain that before I do these jokes, ’cause some people don’t know, to which I retorted, uh, that, uh, I don’t think I should say that ’cause it will just stop the show and make things awkward. I won. I was right. When your dad dies, and he works for, like, the state or the government or whatever… I don’t know. He was a fireman. Whatever that is, um… You, uh… Sometimes your family gets, like, a little bit of money. Not a lot of money. A little bit. So… Um, we got a little bit of money, and I remember my mom, you know, to make me and my sister feel better, uh, she wan-wanted to get us a pool with the money, right? Uh, she figured she’d get us a pool, and then, you know, like, people would want to be our friends, and they would come over and swim in it. You know, which is dark. Um… swim in the death pool. Uh… Yeah. Like, it’s a nice idea, but the sentiment, every cannon ball has a weird meaning behind it. Just doing laps every day like, “Is this even? Is this even?” No, uh… No, I remember my mom got us a pool, me and my sister, right? And, uh, kids– I was, like, seven when my dad died, so, like, kids don’t understand that shit. They don’t– They don’t know what’s going on, right? So I remember I got the pool, and kids at school would be like, “Yo. You’re so lucky, man. You’re rich. You have a pool.” You know? And I’d be like, “Yeah. Luckily, I have a pool -that I fill up with tears every summer. ‘Cause that’s how you know you’re rich, when you can swim in your own sadness. Thank God Osama bin Laden didn’t miss his alarm clock. You know why? I wouldn’t have a fucking pool! I’m sorry. Please come over later. I appreciate it.” We’re keeping that, Jason. I don’t care what you say. Anyway, so I did this, uh, thing about my dad over the summer. I had to, like, shoot this thing. So I had to, like, do, like, research on my dad kinda, and I had to, like, hang out with his friends, right? And I’m from Staten Island, my dad’s from Staten Island, so, you know, his friends are like me. They– they’re trash, right? Yeah. We’re garbage people. Literally. We have– we– we’re known, like, the thing– we’re known for having the world’s biggest garbage dump, uh, that you can see from space. That’s what the cab driver would say as you entered Staten Island. “I don’t know if you knew this, but this place has the biggest dump.” You know? As opposed to like, “Look at the tree!” Um… And you’re like, “Aw, well, what happened to the dump?” You know? “What’d they do?” Ah, well, they built a park over it. Uh, and you’re like, “Oh, that– You mean, they– they got rid of all the garbage?” No. They just fuckin’ built a fucking park over it. So, in ten years, when it starts fallin’ apart, kids are just getting stabbed by fuckin’ ’98 Hondas. Anyway, I’m trying to explain to you Staten Island people. It’s– that’s not a good exam– Oh, it’s kinda like— like, if you had a Marlboro Red, and you, like, threw it in the bathtub, and it, like, came to life. That’s… That’s… …that’s what a Staten Island guy is like, you know? Um… Anyway, so I had to go meet up with his friends, right? But, uh, all the stories I knew from my dad were from when I was seven, you know, so the stories that they were telling me were, like, way different… than what I had previously heard. Uh… Like, I don’t even know who this guy is. Uh, like, I’ll give you an example. When I was little, my dad’s friends would be like, “Your dad was the man, you know? We used to, like, play basketball and do our homework, you know? He always used to finish his plate. Always used to finish his plate! Finish it!” Why? I figured out… …there’s a reason why finishing your plate at seven was so difficult. It’s ’cause adults are saving us the same size portion as them, and we’re a third of their size. So when we get a third of the way through, we are full, and you yelling, “Eat it!” doesn’t help. It just makes everybody fat. You know what I mean? My mom used to be like, “There’s starving kids in Africa.” That was her go-to line to guilt me into anything. I’d be like, “Yeah, be that may, but if a kid in Africa got a third of the way through this, he’d be like, – ‘I am full.'” I like how half of you are like, “That’s funny,” and the other half are like, “I don’t know if you can do that, dude.” I guess we’ll check Twitter: the decider of all. Twitter’s the new pearly gates. They decide all people’s futures. Um, anyway, so I had to meet with my dad, uh, his friends, and I was like, “Tell me some stories about my dad,” and he was like, “Oh, we used to do coke all the time!” – And I was like, “What?” And he was like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to tell you?” And I was like, “No, it’s cool. It’s just, I wasn’t expecting that. You know, growing up, I heard, like, you know, he always played basketball and did his homework and, like, finished his plate, you know? I guess the third one still applies kinda, but… yeah. -Um… I just wasn’t–” And he’s like, “I’m sorry. Should I like protect you? Am I, like, telling you too much stuff?” I was like, “No, it’s just, like I said, I grew up thinking, like, you know, I always knew my dad was a hero, but, like, I didn’t know he was a fuckin’ superhero. I didn’t know he was the coolest guy ever.” What a man of the ’90s, just doing blow and putting out fires. What a legend. Never been prouder. God, did that make me smile. How awesome is that? Can you picture that? Your house is on fire. A fire truck pulls up. One guy gets out, and he’s like, “All right. I’m gonna get the hydrant.” Another guy gets out. He’s like, “I’m gonna secure the area,” and then my dad gets out, like, “Let’s fuckin’ go! Whoo! No helmet!” Thank you, guys. Have a good night. I appreciate it. Thanks for comin’. Thank you. ♪ Never need a bitch I’m what a bitch need ♪ ♪ Tryna find the one that can fix me ♪ ♪ I’ve been dodging death In the six-speed ♪ ♪ Amphetamine Got my stummy feeling sickly ♪ ♪ Yeah, I want it all now ♪ ♪ I’ve been running through the pussy Need a dog pound ♪ ♪ Hundred models getting faded In the compound ♪ ♪ Tryin’ to love me But they never get a pulse down ♪ ♪ Why? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪ ♪ And I’m back to my ways ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪ ♪ All this money And this fame got me heartless ♪ ♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪ ♪ Said I’m heartless ♪ ♪ Tryna be a better man But I’m heartless ♪ ♪ Never be a wedding plan For the heartless ♪ ♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪ I’ll tell you, the show’s over, but this is a story I would like to tell people. Uh, yeah. This is a story I wanna tell people. So, this is, um, the only other story I’ve heard about my dad, okay? Um, so… …I hang out with this dude, uh, and I was like, “Tell me stories about my dad.” He told me he did coke, and I was like, “Do you have any other stories?” He’s like, “I got one more.” I was like, “Okay. All right.” He goes, “So, one time…” He goes– This is how he talks. I don’t want you to think, like, I created this guy. That would be embarrassing. Uh, but this is how the guy talks. He’s like, “So, one time, me and your dad went to the Poconos for a wedding,” right? Now, Poconos is like white-trash Bahamas. -It’s, like… …it’s like where you go to try and, like, fix your marriage and, like, fuck in a heart-shaped tub, and you put a quarter in the bed, and it, like, shakes. And you’re like, “It shakes like our life!” So… he’s like, “We’re out there in the Poconos, right? So, we’re at– we’re at a wedding, right? Uh, so I’m at the wedding, and, you know, we’re having a good time. We’re fuckin’ dancing. Getting real fucked up, right? We’re getting fucked up.” I was like, “Cool, dude.” From ’87. “Getting fucked up.” Still proud of it. Uh… Uh, and he goes, uh, “So, you know, me and your dad, we’re at this wedding. We’re sharing a room, right? We’re sharing a room up in the Poconos, so I’m with this girl, and I’m tryin’ to go fuck her, right? Right?” Like, he always said “right,” like I was gonna be, like, “No. That is not… that is not how the story happened.” I’ve never heard this before. Yes. He’s like, “So I’m tryin’ to fuck her, right? So I look for your dad. I look all over the wedding. I’m like, ‘Where are you, Scott?'” That’s what he said. “I was like, ‘Where are you? I don’t see you.'” -Uh… He acted it out for me. Uh… And he was like, “So I just thought, you know, maybe he was fuckin’ someone, right? So I go back to the hotel room, right? Your father, nowhere to be found, right? So I’m with this girl, right? And we just start fucking banging, right? And it’s fucking sick, right? I’m fuckin’ doing her every which way, you know? I had her up here. She’s coming over there, and then we went in the bathroom.” I was like, “Yo. When does my dad come in? ‘Cause this just sounds like an oddly specific fuck story that you remember from ’87.” He goes, “Hold on. He’s coming. I just want you to know I’m not a pussy.” And I was like, “I know you’re not a pussy.” Uh, he goes, “So, we’re– we’re fuckin’, right?” Uh, and he goes, “You know, she comes. I come, you know. Her first, obviously, you know? Uh… and then we’re done, right? And we’re just, like, layin’ in it, and, uh… …all of a sudden, I see across the room, I see a cigarette cherry glowing in the dark. I turn on the lights. It’s your dad! And I go, ‘Scott! I’ve been looking for you.’ And he goes, ‘Hey, guys. Thanks for the free show.'” And he goes, “Now, that’s your dad.” And I was… And he’s like, “Isn’t that a great story?” I was like, “No! You’re not telling people that, are you? It’s a horrible story. Is this girl alive? I have to, like, find her and, like, pay her off now. What the fuck is this information?” Anyway, thank you guys for comin’ out. Have a good night. Thanks. ♪ I fuck up and lose control ♪ ♪ Burned so many bridges Got nowhere to go ♪ ♪ Bitches got these motives Like Anna Nicole ♪ ♪ I’m smokin’ cigarettes alone Until it burn a hole ♪ ♪ In my lungs, in my soul In my denim coat ♪ ♪ Same place I’mma keep that knife If I’mma slit my throat ♪ ♪ This shit ugly I was just with Nipsey, now he ghost ♪ ♪ They even got my homie Pete out here Like, fuck the jokes ♪

1686242505-305

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

PETE DAVIDSON: SMD (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-smd-transcript/

[vocal music] ♪ Uh-uh, yeah ♪ Uh, uh-uh-uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Uh, uh-uh, yeah, uh ♪ ♪ Uh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ [music continues] ♪ ♪ All day, all day ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block ♪ Until we made a way, made a way ♪ ♪ Day to day, man ♪ That’s the only way, only way ♪ ♪ They gon’ know my name until it fade away ♪ ♪ Fade away, fade away, fade away ♪ ♪ Fade–fade away, way, way ♪ Fade away [cheers and applause] ♪ Fade away, fade away, fade away, fade away ♪ ♪ They gon’ my name ♪ ♪ Until I fade, fade, fade ♪ – What up? [cheers and applause continue] Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s very nice– nice to be home. Very nice to be in New York. [people cheer] I, uh– I had a pretty– [man yells] Yup. [laughter] You know how you know someone’s from Staten Island? [laughter] They let you know that they’re from Staten Island. If you don’t know what Staten Island is, it’s like New York’s abortion that lived. [laughter] It’s a shitty place. Nah, there’s good people everywhere but, like, not in Staten Island at all. Yeah, like, everybody could die on Staten Island, and I wouldn’t lose sleep over it at all. I’d be like, “Oh, I guess I got to find a new Xanax dealer.” Like, that’s about it. No, it’s nice to be home. I had a–I had a fucked-up week. I had a long week. I had to fly Cape Air. I don’t know if anybody’s ever flown Cape Air, but I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a Volvo that flies. It’s a Volvo with wings. Um, first thing, you pull up to the airport. I didn’t even know it was the Cape Air airport, because it looked like a post office. So I told the Uber driver, I was like, “Listen. I think we’re at the post office.” And he was like, “No, this is the airport.” And I was like, “Well, okay.” First thing you do when you get in there– there’s one lady working in the airport. And when I got in there, I was very, like— I was like, “What the fuck’s going on?” And she was like, “Okay, weigh your carry-on.” I was like, “That seems normal.” I’ve weighed my carry-on before. And she was like, “Now weigh your backpack.” I was like, “Well, that’s a little odd.” I’ve never really weighed my backpack, but, you know, maybe there’s not a lot going on at Cape Air. Maybe she’s just trying to get a good work in. Like, you know what I mean? So I weighed my backpack. And then she was like, “Now you.” [laughter] I was like, “Why–why do I have to be weighed?” And she was like, “Well, we have to weigh everybody “so we know where to seat you on the plane “so it doesn’t topple over. ‘Cause it’s not like a regular plane.” And I was like, “Did you just say ‘regular plane’? Why the [bleep] is that okay?” It was terrifying. We walk to the plane. You could sit shotgun with the pilot, like he’s your buddy from college. The pilot was trying to give us a speech before. It was crazy. He was just like, “All right, guys. “Before we take off on Cape Air, “I just want to let you know “pretty much the most important rule. You guys know how, on a regular plane…” I was like, “What’s with this [bleep] ‘regular plane’ thing?” I was like, “Get a new spiel.” He was like, “You know, when you’re on a regular plane, “they’re like, ‘Turn your phones off,’ “but you really don’t have to turn your phone off? “On this plane, turn your [bleep] phones off. All right, everybody have a safe flight, all right?” Just happy to be home. Very–getting a little older. And when you say that and you’re 22, people immediately think you’re a dick. But, like, I’m the oldest I’ve ever been. So, like, to me, I’ve been around. Like, I’ve noticed little things getting older, like now I can’t get hard by just, like, looking at a picture of a girl. Yeah, I can’t do it anymore. At first, I thought I was gay. I was like, “Oh, no, I’m gay now.” I was like, “That’s what this means.” No, I didn’t know, like, when you get older, you can’t just, like, get hard. I didn’t know you have to, like, bat it around and get it going, you know? I used to be able to get hard, any picture of a girl. She didn’t have to be naked. As long as she was kind of like this, like, I could always just jerk off if there’s some sort of a tilt. My mom‘s cool, man. She’s getting old now. It’s kind of sad. Like, she just turned 46, and, like… [laughter] Yeah, she still works and… she still drives. She’s a trouper. I don’t know how she does it. [applause] No, every day that woman gets up, I’m like, “You’re amazing.” My mom’s so old, it’s like it’s cute now. Like, whenever she does anything, I find it adorable and I’m proud. Like, I talked to my mom the other day. She was like, “Last night, I got home “at, like, 11:30. I just–I went out for some drinks with my friends.” And I was like, “[bleep], yeah, you did. [bleep] Amy. Let’s go.” It’s weird; my mom’s single. It’s a very weird thing. My mom’s single. My sister’s a teenager. It’s very weird, you know, ’cause whenever one of them brings a dude home, I don’t know who he’s for. [laughter] Like, when I answer the door, I don’t know if I’m supposed to, like, beat him up or, like, play catch. Like, I have no idea. I’m like, “Are you my new dad? You want you see my room?” I give my mom a lot of credit. She–she had to do a lot of weird shit. You know, she had to– like, my mom had to buy me condoms. I feel like that’s a dad’s job. I mean, I never had a dad, but I assume that’s, like, the dad’s job. Like, in my head, how I would get condoms from my dad is, we would be having a catch, and then all of a sudden, a huge box of condoms would appear in his hand, and he’d be like, “Go long!” And he would throw it, and then I would catch it, and he’d be like… I don’t know; I don’t have a dad. But I assume that’s, like, how it goes down. I tell you how it’s not supposed to go down. I got home from school. I was, like, a sophomore in high school. And my mom was like, “Hey, I left a little present for you on your bed.” I was very excited. I was like, “Oh, my God, perhaps it’s sneakers.” I was very—there was endless possibilities. It could be DVDs. Those were hot at the time. It could have been a million things. I get up there. It’s a 50-pack of condoms. Every variety, every brand. And I just wanted to be like, “Mom, “who the [bleep] do you think your son is? “Like, I never even brought a friend home. “Like, what made you think I was out there, “like, slinging pussy? “I hang out with you every night. “Do you want to [bleep] me? Do you want to [bleep] me, Mom? No, let’s [bleep]. I’m mad now.” Me and my mom are really close now. I–this is how close me and my mom are. Like, I send my mom pictures of my dick whenever I’m worried. Easy. [laughter] She’s a nurse. She’s a nurse, so I figure whenever, like, I get a dot or something, rather than go see the doctor, I can just cut out the middleman, send it to my mom. [people groan] That’s not [bleep]–no, [bleep] you; I don’t like that. You know, maybe you guys aren’t just that close with your mothers. Yeah, me and my mom are on a dick level. No, like–no, here’s an example. Like, if there was a line of dudes waiting to show their dick to my mom, right– it’s her lucky day. I–I could cut that line, because I’m with the family. You understand? No, I would send my mom pics. I’d be like, “Hey, Mom, sorry to bother you, but, you know, do you see anything wrong here?” And she’d be like, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong.” And I’d be like, “What?” She’s like, “You’re sending me pictures of your dick. “What the [bleep]’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.” Oh. [applause] She was like, “Put a Band-Aid on it. I don’t know.” No, I was–I was a loser in high school. It was my fault, though. Like, I realize it’s my fault. I went to three different high schools, okay? The first high school I went to, I was like, “Wow, everybody here is a [bleep] asshole.” And then I got to another high school, and I was like, “Wow, lightning strikes twice. Everybody here is a [bleep] asshole too.” And then I got to the third high school, and I was like, “Oh, it’s me.” I was like, “It was me the whole time.” I looked down. I had a rolling school bag. I was like, “Perhaps I had something to do with this. I think it might have been my fault.” No, [bleep] that! Why is the rolling school bag the gay one? I never understood that. That makes no sense to me. Grown–grown adults– “You’re a [bleep] loser. You have a rolling school bag.” I never understood that. What, do you want to carry your books like a peasant? That makes no sense to me. [bleep] roll down the hallways like a G, rolling your [bleep] textbooks. “What you doing?” “Studying, motherfucker.” Like, why is that– why was it lame? I never understood that. I had a rolling school bag for four years. I loved it. Yeah, even though I looked like I was waiting for a flight for, like, four years. People used to make fun of me, and what sucked was, I never flew before, so I didn’t know that they were making fun of me. I actually thought that they were helping me. I’d be like, “Hey, man, can you help me find Science?” And they’d be like, “Yeah, I think it’s in, like, terminal four.” And I’d be like, “Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.” [laughter] I, uh, dormed, dormed for– I went to college for a little bit. I dormed. [bleep] hated it. Does anybody here dorm? [people cheer] Yeah? You go to NYU? You go here? No, where do you– where do you gals go? Oh, they go to Pace. Whatever. [laughter] I feel like dorming, for girls, is fun, though. It is–you have fun with your girlies, right? Yeah, ’cause girls could, like, get their periods together and find out who “A” is or whatever. [laughter] Yeah, there you are. I know what girls do. I hated dorming. I think–I feel like dorming– like, any guys in here dorm right now? You? What’s up, my man? Where do you dorm? – What? – You dorm now? – Yeah. – Where at? – 23rd. – 23rd? [laughter] So is that a dorm for a school? Yeah. [laughs] “Where do you go?” “West 23rd and 8th.” [laughs] For what? For here? – NYU. – NYU? Oh, that’s what’s up. How many people in your dorm? – Uh, three girls. – Three girls? We don’t have enough time. [laughter] We don’t–if we weren’t shooting a special, it would be an hour of just finding out everything about this young man. One of them’s your girlfriend? – Ex-girlfriend. – Ex-girlfriend? [crowd exclaims] So dope. [laughter] [applause] You just walk in like a G. Like, “‘Sup, babe?” [bleep] walk away. That’s so dope. When I went to college, it was four dudes in a room, like, maybe from, like, here… to here. It was four dudes– it was awful. We would all wake up with boners and look at each other, and we would be like, “This isn’t what I thought college would be at all.” Everybody has to shit. Nobody wants to go first. I [bleep] hated that. I hated my roommates. I remember one of them found out he had the biggest dick in the dorm. And then all of a sudden, he was making all of the decisions all of a sudden. He was like, “I think we’re gonna go bowling tonight.” I was like, “Oh, all right, Big Dick Brian. You know, whatever. Yeah.” I used to jerk off when they were there. [bleep] them. I don’t give a shit. Yeah, [bleep] them. I won every night. They had no idea. It was sick. I was jerking off while they were [bleep] typing. Awesome. I did it at night. I didn’t do it during the day. I’m not a savage, all right? Yeah, it wasn’t like 4:00, like, “Hey, what ‘s up, bro? You ready for study hall?” Like, it was, like, at night. No, I like to help people. This is how you jerk off if you’re sharing a room with somebody. Very simple. You get a very big bag of Doritos. Doesn’t have to be Doritos; I just always go with Doritos. Get a big bag of chips, okay? And then you start crinkling it around with your non-jerking-off hand, right, creating some sort of an ambiance. [laughter] And then while you’re doing that, you jerk off. Yeah, they cancel each other out. My roommates just thought I had a snack every night. They’re like, “Pete eats Doritos every night “for, like, a half hour and doesn’t share ’em with anybody. “And then when he’s done eating, he goes, ‘Oh, [bleep]! “‘[bleep]! Oh, [bleep], yes! Oh!'” [applause] First day of college, I had this class, and there was a mentally challenged kid in it. And I have no problem with mentally challenged kids. That would be very weird if I did, like if that was my beef, if I was like, “Peace and love, and [bleep] mentally challenged kids.” You’d be like, “What’s up with this guy?” The problem I had was, I was also in that class. Yeah, so, like, one thing came to my mind when I saw the kid. I was first like, “Aw.” Then I was like, “Huh, wait a second. I was like, “Am I mentally chall–like, is this– “is this how they’re gonna tell me? They’re just gonna throw me in, hope I figure it out?” No, I wouldn’t be surprised. I was like, “Maybe I’m, like, one of the better ones “or something. Maybe I’m their leader.” I had no idea. By the way, I see a lot of people getting sensitive because mentally challenged people are a very sensitive topic. I understand completely. But to make you feel better, I have a mentally challenged cousin, and I asked her if I could do these jokes, and she was like, “Ugh,” so it’s completely fine. She’s very supportive, loves me, okay? She wasn’t like, “Uh.” She was like, “Uh.” I know the difference. It went up. I’ll never forget– this is a true story. We had movie day. In college. I’ll tell you–yeah. The teacher wheeled in a cart and was like, “It’s movie day.” And I was like, “Sick!” And I was like, “Wait, it’s college.” Why did–” I’ll never forget this. The teacher picked Forrest Gump, okay? Before he starts the movie, he goes, “All right, class. Who here saw Forrest Gump?” I swear to God the mentally challenged kid just goes, “I did, sir, and that’s my favorite movie.” And I laughed so [bleep] hard. I laughed so hard, and then I looked around. Nobody else was laughing. Even the mentally challenged kid was like, “Are you [bleep] serious right now?” Been trying to smoke less weed. If you are in this front row, you know it’s not working out very well. It’s not good–like, when you don’t smoke weed for a little bit, like, it’s crazy. Like, you have feelings. You know, like, something’ll happen, and I’ll be like, “Hey, I don’t–I don’t like that.” As opposed to, like, seven years of just being like, “It is what it is. Swag or whatever.” This Christmas, I had a couple weeks off. I tried to go to rehab for my mom, as a Christmas gift. But it’s weird. I tried to go to rehab ’cause I wanted to smoke weed less. Like, I didn’t even want to quit. Don’t tell anybody that in rehab, by the way. So I didn’t have enough time to think about it. I was like, “I’ll go to rehab.” So I asked my friends– you know, people who know about this stuff, and I was like, “Where should we go? What’s, like, the best place?” They were like, “You should go to a rehab facility in Utah.” Without even thinking, booked the flight. Did you know, when you book a flight to Utah, there is a layover in Denver? [laughter] And I was sitting in the airport like, “Is this part of the [bleep] rehab? “Like, do I–is this level one? Do I have to get past this?” Also, did you know that there’s rehabs everywhere? You don’t have to go to Utah. I found that out, ’cause I got there, and I was like, “Hi, my name’s Pete Davidson.” They’re like, “Oh, where you from?” I was like, “I live in Manhattan.” And they’re like, “Oh, have you heard about our facilities in Manhattan?” I was like, “No, I heard about the one in Utah.” It’s a weird thing, going to rehab when you want to smoke weed less, like not even quit, because people are there for crack and meth, and I’m there ’cause, like, I want to know what food tastes like. That’s what happens, by the way, when you stop smoking weed for a little bit. You’ll be like, “Oh, some food is not good.” First thing you do when you get into a rehab is, you check into detox. I didn’t know there was no such thing as detox for potheads. So I should have known something was up, because I was in a line waiting to check in, and everybody in front of me was shaking, and I wasn’t. And I felt uncomfortable. I was like, “[bleep] that. I’m not gonna be the odd man out in rehab.” So I started shaking myself. I was like, “Oh, kicked in later, you guys. [bleep]. Holy shit.” I remember this guy that was just like, “Hey, guys, I’m Joe. “I do crack. I died.” And then he was like, “But they brought me back. Ha ha! Obviously!” And I was like, “Ha ha. Ha ha. I don’t know if that’s funny.” And he was just like, “This is my last shot.” Everybody was like, “Thank you. Thank you, Joe.” And I didn’t know you thanked them after, so I was late. I was like, “Oh, thanks, Joe!” And then everybody looked at me, and I was like… I love smoking weed. I’m probably never gonna stop, to be honest with you. [cheers and applause] Yeah. And I’m not doing it for an applause. It’s just I have problems and I need it, and it makes me feel better. So, like, I love smoking weed. I love smoking weed and driving. It’s my favorite. – Whoo! – Yeah. I love being high when I’m driving. I’m like–I don’t mind traffic. I’m like, “Oh, company. All right.” I’m like, “We’re all in this together, you guys.” You ever make friends in traffic? That’s the [bleep] best. Pull up to a stop, go to the guy next to you like… The guy next to you is like… I love smoking weed and watching movies. It’s my favorite. You ever get so high, you, like, watch the credits? And you’re like, “Who directed this? He did a good job.” I think that’s what IMDB was created for. People would just get high, and they’re like, “Where is this guy from?” And then you’re like, “Oh, there he is! He was in The Patriot!” One of my favorite movies to watch high is Jaws. Jaws is one of my favorite movies because it was made in the ’70s, so when I watch it, it looks like a movie. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t, but when I watch a movie now, I’m like, “Oh, that could happen.” But because it’s in the ’70s, I could tell– I’ll give you a couple examples. Like, I love the way they talk in Jaws. They talk very differently. Like, there’s a scene where Richard Dreyfuss is– wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark to see if that little Kintner boy’s in there. I’m glad you laughed, because it always makes me laugh. No, I’m serious; it always makes me laugh. I think it’s just the visual of, like, what if the little boy was actually in there? You know, like, what if he, like, cuts it open and all of a sudden, the boy’s like… [thudding] “He was in there, Chief!” That’d be hilarious. I just like the way they talk in Jaws. There’s a scene. Richard Dreyfuss wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark, and he’s like, “Hey, could I cut open the shark, see if the little Kintner boy’s in there?” And the mayor goes, “I’ll be damned. “If you cut open that shark “and I see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock,” and I’m like, “That’s [bleep] sick.” Nobody talks like that anymore. If that scene was made today, that whole scene would be like, “Hey, can I cut open the shark?” He’d be like, “Nah, [bleep] do it later. Don’t want to get the dock dirty and shit.” Also when I was watching Jaws, I found out a scene that doesn’t actually belong in there. It’s not proven. I just watched it, and I was like–I felt… Here’s the scene. So Richard Dreyfuss finally is cutting open the shark. And this fat guy comes out of nowhere, and he’s just like, “Hey! “Hey! What type of shark is that?” And Richard Dreyfuss goes, “Uh, it’s a tiger shark.” And then the fat guy goes, “A what?” That scene shouldn’t be in the [bleep] movie. It makes no sense. I was like, “What is that, Spielberg’s uncle? What is that?” It’s probably his uncle. He’s like, “Stevie, are you gonna put me in your movie?” And he’s like, “Yeah. Can you say, ‘A what?'” He’s like, “Can I [bleep] say ‘A what?’ Come on.” Another movie I watched high, I actually really like. I watched The Vow recently. I love The Vow. If you don’t know what The Vow is, it’s Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams, and they’re married. And in the first scene, they get in a car accident, and luckily she goes through the windshield, and– Oh, yeah, it’s my favorite part. And it’s in slow motion, so you get to enjoy it. No, [bleep] that. It’s always the guy going through the windshield, and I was like, “Oh, it’s the girl.” I was like, “All right.” All right, Nicholas Sparks. I see you. I’m invested. She goes through the windshield. She ends up losing her memory. She doesn’t remember that she’s married. The movie should have been over right there. That’s it. Should have been a short film about some bitch who should have wore a seat belt. That’s all that needed to be. Instead of that, the rest of this movie, this poor guy is trying to make his wife fall back in love with him, ’cause she don’t remember him. That would never happen. I mean, maybe it would, but I– I try to put myself, like, in that situation whenever I watch a movie, and I wouldn’t be able to do it, if I’m being completely honest. Like, if I get married to you and you become a vegetable, like, you’re a vegetable now, and I’m on the run, ’cause I’m not a vegetable. If that was me, honestly, and I walked into my wife’s room– and I walk into a hospital, I go to my wife’s room, and was like, “Oh! Oh, my God, honey. Are you okay?” And she’s like, “Who are you?” I’d be like, “Oh, wrong room. My bad. Sorry to bother you, ma’am.” I would call up my friends, be like, “Yo! “Guess who don’t remember? I tried. I said hello.” I’m a hypochondriac. I always worry about my dick. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m always worried about my dick. How are you? Do you always worry about your dick, dude? It’s good. It’s good? Oh, well, aren’t you the [bleep] most confident man in the world? Oh, [bleep] Mr. Dos Equis over there. “Hey, you ever worry about your dick?” “No, I’m fine, man.” “Oh, [bleep] you, dude. That was–” I’m sure every guy can relate to this. This ruins my day whenever it happens. Whenever I have to take a shit in a public place and my dick touches the toilet seat, it ruins my day immediately. I’m like, “Oh, my God, I just got everything in this place.” My dick starts, like, coiling back, ’cause, like, it knows what it did. And so I’m like, “No, [bleep] you.” I actually told my doctor that once. I was like, “Before you take a look, I think I know what it is.” I’m like, “You ever take a shit in a McDonald’s “and your dick touches the toilet seat? I think that’s where I got this from.” And he’s like, “That’s not possible.” And I was like, “Well, you’re the doctor, and I’m just trying to help.” I like going to free clinics, ’cause they know what’s up. You know, nobody goes to a free clinic for chemo. Everybody goes to a free clinic ’cause they had fun yesterday. I like to go to this free clinic in Brooklyn ’cause it’s very well run. That’s right; you could Yelp other things besides food. And I went in, and it’s very well run. The first thing they do, they prick your finger to test you for AIDS, they give you a number, and then you sit with everybody else. And then while you wait to see the doctor, they’ll call your number, tell you your AIDS result. [person groans] Yeah. It’s like bingo. It’s sick. It’s [bleep] best establishment in Brooklyn. Maybe I’m not painting a good picture enough. A nurse will literally come out to the waiting room and be like, “33! No!” And 33’s like… [applause] 34’s in the corner like, “[bleep]! “It’s been seven ‘no’s in a row! Due for a yes.” I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. Like, I’ve never been there and a lady’s been like, “Un, 34? Yeah, you have AIDS.” Like, that’s never happened. I don’t know what they would do. What do you think they would do? I’m sure they would just, like, take you into a room and throw you a Magic Johnson jersey and be like, “Welcome to the team, bro.” Come on. Be positive. Don’t be negative. I got to tell you a funny story about Heavy, my boy Heavy. So I’m–I’m a– I hate everybody, but I won’t let you know it. Like, I’ll be really pissed or not having a good time. You’ll never be able to tell. Heavy, exact opposite. Something’s wrong, you know about it immediately. It’s why I love bringing him places, right? So me and him, we go to the Justin Bieber concert. We get very [bleep] up. We’re like, “Let’s go see the Biebs.” No, he puts on a great show. He really does. He puts on a sick show. You should go see him. Don’t [bleep] clap; this is my time. But seriously, you should go see him. He does put on a great show, okay? So me and him were really [bleep] up. We’re very late. We’re, like, an hour late to the concert. And we have front row. We have, like, seats over here, okay? We’re late. We get there. There are these two little girls. They could– eight years old, tops. In our seats, having the [bleep] time of their lives. Like, you couldn’t tell these girls nothing. Like, they were having just the sweetest, best time ever. So I go to Heavy, and I’m like, “Listen. “You’re 30. I’m 22.” I’m like, “Let’s give these kids their seats, “let them have a nice fun time, and we’ll just hang in the back.” And Heavy goes, “Uh, abso-[bleep]-lutely not.” And I swear to God he goes up to these two little kids and he goes, “Um, excuse me, little princesses. Uh, are these your seats?” And they go, “No, mister.” And he goes, “Uh, then get the fuck out. One time.” And then, like, without skipping a beat, he’s like, “This is gonna be sick. We’re gonna have some [bleep] fun.” I’ve been–I watch a lot of porn. Like, I could post a Throwback Thursday photo of me jerking off. And, um… Like, I do. I watch a lot of porn. And I noticed something. I don’t know if you’re an avid porn user, but online, there’s no new porn unless you pay for it. So I’ve been watching some of the classics. But I noticed something that I don’t like in porn. Because I’ve been the same porns over and over, I’m noticing new things, you know? Like, this is something I really don’t like. I don’t like when male porn stars moan. Yeah, what the [bleep]’s up with that? It’s like, “You’re a professional. Act like you been there before.” Yeah. And you know, as a male porn star, like, guys are jerking off to this, so why would you moan so loud? You know how distracting that is? Have some [bleep] respect for your fans, seriously. I was watching this porn the other day, and the guy was like, “Oh, yeah! “[bleep]! [bleep], yeah!” And I was like, “What a [bleep] weirdo.” I’m like, “Will you shut the fuck up so I could [bleep] come, please, you [bleep] weirdo?” I don’t make any noise when I have sex. Zero. Gentleman. Nothing. “Please” and “thank you” the whole way through. I don’t even make noise when I come. When I come, I’m just kind of like… Yeah, like I just had an epiphany or something. Like, “Oh, my keys. They’re in my jeans.” Like, that’s how I come. Don’t forget to turn the oven off. That’s how I literally come. If I’m drunk, I’ll yell out one thing when I come. I’ll tell you what it is. Okay? There’s this one thing I yell out when I’m drunk when I come. This is the one thing. Okay, I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the film 101 Dalmatians. There is a scene in 101 Dalmatians when Jeff Daniels’ puppy gives birth, okay? And this lady taking care of the puppies, she’s like, “There’s 14 puppies. “One of them died. There were supposed to be 15, but there’s 14.” And Jeff Daniels, being the goddamn genius of an actor that he is, out of the corner of his eye notices the 15th puppy, that they thought was dead, is starting to wiggle, so it’s alive. And he looks at the lady, and he goes, “No. “Not 14. “15! 15 puppies!” So I yell that when I come now, which is a huge step up from “sorry.” [cheers and applause] Thanks. Anybody here ever do ‘shrooms? [people cheer] Like, I’m afraid to do drugs, ’cause I love them. Like, whenever I’m about to do a drug, I need to do it with a friend. That way, if I die, he dies too. For some reason, that would be so much better for my mom to find out. Like, if two of us died, it’s not as bad as just me. Does that make sense? No, I’m serious, ’cause if I just died, my mom’s like, “What a [bleep] drug addict.” But if it’s me and another friend, and it’d be like, “That bad influence, Ryan. I always said he was no good for my son.” I picked my friend Ryan to do ‘shrooms with me. My friend Ryan, some of you might know. Some of you might not. He’s this 6’5″, 250-pound black dude from Flatbush, Brooklyn. Okay, he’s been to jail a bunch of times for real shit, not for, like, hoping a turnstile. For, like, murder, okay? He didn’t do it, and… Yeah. He’s nice to me. So I–before I do a drug, I usually Google the best and worst thing that could happen. Probably not a good idea, but, again, I’m not a smart person. Let me tell you how not smart I am, okay? This is how not smart of a person I am. I thought Chicago was a state until a week ago. Not done. Only reason why I found out Chicago is not a state is ’cause I was in Chicago, doing a show, came out, and said, “Wonderful to be in the state of Chicago.” Nobody said anything. Nobody said anything till the end of the show. So I did a whole show with “state of Chicago” confidence. That’s how [bleep] stupid I am. So I looked up– I was like, “What’s the best thing that could happen to you on ‘shrooms?” Best review I saw was, “I did ‘shrooms, “I saw the world, and I feel like I’m a better person now.” And I was like, “Hey, that’s a great review.” 200 likes. Nice. Reliable. Worst review of ‘shrooms: “Don’t do ’em. Jumped out of my window.” 500 likes. I was like, “[bleep]. I have two windows. So there’s doubly the chance.” So I got Ryan in my apartment, and I got a guy, a man to come over to install child locks on my windows. And he got to my house, and he was putting in the child locks, and he was like, “Oh, my God, this is so sweet. When’s the baby due?” And I was like, “There’s no baby. Me and him are doing ‘shrooms.” So we do ‘shrooms, and then nothing happens for about an hour. And you know when people do drugs or drink and they just brag about how not [bleep] up they are and it’s the most annoying thing eve– To me, it really bothers me whenever someone’s like, “Drank 14 beers. I don’t feel shit.” And it’s like, “Oh, maybe you’re autistic, then, “because you should be fucked up completely, to be honest with you.” So we were getting a little mad that it wasn’t working, so we turn on this movie with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. It’s a new movie, so just know they already look scary. Ryan goes, “Yo. Is Al Pacino orange?” And I’m scrolling, and I looked up, and he was, but it didn’t bother me. I went back on my phone. I was like, “Yeah, he is.” Really bothered Ryan, ’cause now Ryan was hiding under a Snuggie, shaking. And he said, “Yo, bro, call me when this is over.” [laughter] So I was freaking out. I was like, “Already the safest guy “that I picked to do ‘shrooms with “is already hiding under my Snuggie. I’m [bleep].” And I started panicking and freaking out. I can’t do this alone, you know? I can’t do anything alone. So I told Ryan, I was like, “Listen. “I’m going to go downstairs, tell the doorman we’re very high on ‘shrooms in case anything happens,” to which Ryan goes, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” And I said, “So he knows.” It makes no sense, but at the time, it made so much sense to me. He’s like, “Why would you do that?” Like, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” “So he knows.” Guy with the questions. So then I got in the elevator. It went down one floor, and it stopped. The alarm went off. And I was freaking out. I was like, “[bleep]. I’m [bleep]. I-I need to get out of here.” So I started punching the elevator, trying to open it. I was freaking out. I was staring at my fist. I was like, “If it ever would happen, “it would happen now. “Wolverine! Come on, one time. Wolverine one time.” It didn’t happen, obviously. I wouldn’t be here right now. I got downstairs. Okay, elevator doors opened. I was too afraid to get out, ’cause I was afraid it wouldn’t go back up. Makes no sense, but at the time, huge [bleep] problem. I was like, “What if it don’t go back up?” So I just stuck my head out to the doorman, and I was like, “Hey, it’s Pete, third floor. “If anything happens, me and my friend Ryan, we’re really high on ‘shrooms.” And he looked at us like this, and then the door just [bleep] closed in his face. [applause] I got back upstairs into my apartment. Two windows open, no Ryan. [crowd exclaims] To which I said, “I [bleep] knew it. “I knew this would happen. 500 people liked it.” And then Ryan goes, “Yo, my bad about the windows. I’m in the bathroom.” I was like, “All right. Okay.” Now, normally, I don’t care when my friends are in the bathroom for over an hour. And I don’t ask what’s going on in there. But we were both on ‘shrooms, and it was over an hour. So I was like, “Hey, Ryan, what the fuck’s going on in there?” And he was like, “Bro, you got to get in here.” Ryan’s been to jail. So I was like, “Is this jail Ryan, or is this my friend Ryan that we all know and love?” I get in there. This is a true– This is exactly what’s going on. He’s naked, in his boxers, flexing, having the [bleep] time of his life, just flexing. He’s like, “Ugh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.” I’m like, “What’s up, bro? Like, what’s going on?” And he’s like, “I’m the Hulk.” And I didn’t know what he was talking about. I was like, “What do you mean, you’re the Hulk?” He goes, “Don’t you see? I’m green. I’m the very first black Hulk.” And he kept flexing, and I was like, “I don’t–I don’t get it.” And he was like, “Look in the mirror.” This is the only time that I tripped. I looked at Ryan like this, looked at him into the mirror. He turned green into the mirror, and I was like, “Oh, my God, you are the Hulk. Congratulations. This is sick.” So then I got a little cocky, and I was like, “Perhaps I’m also the Hulk.” And I took my shirt off, and I just looked very sick. I was like, “I need to get out of here immediately.” Ryan gets on the couch. We’re watching–we’re about to watch the rest of this movie. The second we hit “play,” it’s a scene where Al Pacino comes out from behind a corner and goes, “Hello!” And we were like, “Fuck that. That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” So we shut it off. It was horrifying seeing this 75-year-old orange person go, “Hello.” It was [bleep] terrifying. So now me and Ryan are both high on ‘shrooms, shirtless under our Snuggies, just shaking, holding each other. And then my mom texts me, okay? My mom sends the worst possible text she could send when someone’s violently high on ‘shrooms. She sends me, “Pete, just want to let you know “I’m so proud of you. “I love everything you’re doing. You make such smart decisions, and Dad would be very proud.” And then I just started crying. I was like, “Aw, man! “My mom’s all proud. “I’m on ‘shrooms. I wasn’t even the Hulk.” Like, it was just this whole fucked-up bad day. And then Ryan goes, “Shut the fuck up.” And you know when you’re crying and your friend don’t care, it makes you cry more? When you’re like, “Uhhh,” and you’re friend’s like, “Uh,” and you’re like, “Uh?” Like… [laughter] “Uh? Please care.” So it made me cry more. I was like, “What do you mean? Like, what–who does that?” And he was like, “Bro, seriously, shut the fuck up. I’m gonna punch you in the face.” I was like, “Well, why can’t you just be my friend? Why can’t you just be there for me?” And he was like, “‘Cause I miss my mom too!” And then he started crying, and then we both held each other and cried under my Snuggie. And then the ‘shroom trip was over, and then Ryan did the funniest thing I’ve ever seen anybody do. He took the Snuggie off, and he dabbed his eyes with it. And then he looked at me, and he went, “Oh! “Yo, Pete, ‘shrooms? Incredible.” [laughter] [applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. So we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How’s that sound? [laughs] It’s hard to transition into anything. I don’t have–I don’t know if you’ve noticed anything about my comedy, but there’s– there’s not many transitions. It’s very, like, “Dick, [bleep], Dad.” Like, it’s, like, very straightforward, easy-listening comedy. Like, it’s not the Kendrick Lamar– I’m very French Montana of comedy. Like, every show, I feel like I should just be like, “Huh!” And you’ll be like, “Aha! I get it.” So, yeah, my dad, if you don’t know, he was a fireman. He died 9/11. He was a very good dude. And I have a lot of jokes about it, and if you don’t like the first one, you probably won’t like the rest. What’s cool about your dad dying on 9/11… [someone laughs] Is–besides the free parking, is also– [someone groans] 0 for 1, skirball. [scattered applause] That’s not the only good thing about your dad dying; come on. No, the cool thing about my dad dying and being a fireman was, like, now I get all of his fireman gear. So whenever I smoke weed in New York City, I wear it. You know? Yeah, so now people just think I’m a shitty fireman. But I’ll be so high, I’ll forget. Like, people will come up to me and be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” And I’ll be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” I’ll be like, “Oh, shit, I’m a lieutenant. “I forgot. I’m very sorry. Have a good day, ma’am!” I didn’t really care when my dad died. It didn’t bother me very much, because I was seven. You don’t understand things when you’re seven, you know? If it happened now, I’d be in a world of trouble, but I’m actually– it’s weird to say this. I’m lucky it happened when I was seven. I know that sounds weird, but it’s the real thing. Like, I remember my dad died, and my mom was like, “Your dad’s dead, but we got you a PlayStation 2.” And I was like, “Yeah, cool.” I was like, “That seems about even. It’s pretty fair.” No, I’m serious. I really didn’t care. I was like, “I’m gonna push my mom down the stairs and get a PS3.” I was [bleep] ridiculous. It’s my new life of murder and toys. What’s weird is, my grandma on my mom’s side, my mom’s mom, she’s–her birthday’s on 9/11, and she never liked my dad. crowd: Oh! – Kind of fishy, isn’t it? [laughter] I always wanted to ask her. I always wanted to be like, “Hey, Grandma, “on the low, did you make any wishes?” I want to get a tattoo. I want to get my dad’s initials. It’s a very, like, Italian, Staten Island thing to do. I feel like Italian people are almost, like, waiting for someone in their family to die so they can go get a tattoo. I’m serious. You ever been to, like, an Italian funeral or wake and the son of whoever died has, like, the prayer card going down their side? You know, like, how the [bleep] did you do that already? And it’s, like, healed. I, um– I want to get my dad’s initials, you know. I want to get it tattooed on me. I feel like it would be very cool. But I found out recently I can’t. I don’t know why I never noticed it. I guess I just never pay attention, but my dad’s initials are SMD. Yeah. That’s why we named the special “SMD,” but SMD also has other meanings, like, for instance, “suck my dick.” That’s the more popular meaning, believe it or not. So my friends are like, “You can’t get that tattoo, because people will think you’re an asshole.” You know? And I agree. I’m like, “You’re right. I shouldn’t.” But then I thought about it. I was like, “I should.” I was like, “I could only win.” I was like, “If someone has the balls to bring it up to me, oh, I would win, like, so fast.” Like, I will never lose. It’s so dope. Think about that. I’ll have it on my neck. [bleep] having a good time. Girls come up to me, and they’re like, “You’re a [bleep] pig.” All I got to do is be like: [whimpers] “Actually, it’s my dead dad’s initials.” And then they’ll feel so bad, they’ll probably suck my dick. Hey, guys, you’ve been amazing. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] ♪ All day, all day ♪ ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block until we made a way ♪ [cheers and applause continue] Pete Davidson, guys. All right, yeah.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Marc Maron: End Times Fun (2020) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-end-times-fun-transcript/

[audience chattering indistinctly] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Marc Maron. [audience cheering] [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. Nice to see you. [audience quietens] Okay. All right. [sighs] I’m happy you came, I really am. I don’t know how to– I don’t know how to accept the love. I don’t know how to accept it, but I’m gonna try. So, I got this weird thing in my head. I’m sort of a mid-level celebrity. That’s how I see myself, mid-level. Not complaining, but I know where I’m at. I could be walking down the street and three dudes could be walking towards me, and one of them will be like, “Holy fuck, Marc Maron!” And the other two are like, “No, I don’t know that guy.” Now, look, I’m happy the one guy likes me, but what I’ve learned over time is that I don’t really have to stand there while he tries to explain who I am… to his friends. That’s not a great few minutes for me. Not great… when I’m standing there and he’s saying, “You don’t know anything this guy’s done? How is that even fucking possible? I mean… he’s been doing it, like, 35 years. Right, Maron?” “Yeah, yeah, about 35… It’s been 35.” “You know, like, you never listened to his CDs, or the podcast, or his own show, or Glow, or the specials, or nothing?” And the guys are like, “No, we don’t fucking know this guy!” And that’s when I’m like, “I’m gonna go, I think. I think I’m gonna… walk away from this, ’cause I didn’t, uh, work 35 years for this feeling. Not great. And your friends are kind of assholes, am I right?” The guy’s like, “Yeah, they are, but they’re my bros. But look, man. I don’t have to hang out with them, I can hang out with you, Marc Maron.” That’s when I’m like, “I don’t fucking know you, or the people you’re with.” But you know, we hung out, the three of us… spent a little time together. I showed his friends some stuff on my phone of me doing stuff and I think they’re on board. I think I– I pulled ’em in. I got a couple of newbies. Did a little mission– What do you call… Missionary work is what I did. I just don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t– Here’s– It’s my job to– to think of funny things, to sit around and think of funny things, and a few weeks ago, I was sitting on my couch and I realized, like, “I just don’t know.” And then it went from there to, like, “What do I know, actually? What do I…” And then it went from there to like, “Do I really know anything? Like, how much do I really know?” And you gotta be careful with this type of rabbit hole within your own brain, because it can go quickly to, like, “Do I even exist?” Which is sort of sophomoric. But usually at that moment, I always look at my cat Monkey and I go, “Well, Monkey’s there, and he’s looking at me, so I’m here.” So, Monkey’s always the philosophy killer. I can always rely on him for that. # But if you really think about what you really actually know, it’s only a few things, like seven things, maybe everybody knows. The rest are just patterns you call a life. And… If you actually made a column of things you’re pretty sure you know for sure, and then made another column of how you know those things, most of that column is like, “Some guy told me.” You know, it’s not sourced material, it’s just– it’s clickbait and hearsay, that’s all. Goes into the head, locks onto a feeling, you’re like, “That sounds good. I’m gonna tell other people that.” And that’s how brand marketing works, and also fascism, we’re finding. So… What is the point? The point is… Like somebody, like, I don’t know… Look, I take vitamins. All right? I take ’em. I take ’em every day. I take vitamin B, vitamin C, vitamin D, and every day they’re in my hand, I look at them and in my heart, I think, “These don’t fucking do anything.” There’s no way they do anything. I know they don’t do anything. But other part of me believes that they do. You can actually believe something that you know is bullshit. It’s a problem. So now, man, I take ’em every day, because, you know, I’m afraid to die and I think it’s gonna give me a leg-up. That’s why everybody takes ’em, right? It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t take them, I’ve actually driven back to my house to take vitamins I know don’t fucking do anything, because I believe that might be the day I get whatever it’s gonna be that I get. Do you understand? All right. I think the deeper point here is you never know when someone’s gonna dump some shit into your head that’s gonna ruin your life, or at least change it, for months, or just cause you trouble. And it could be just in passing, somebody just drops shit into your head, and you have to deal with it. Like, you could just be having a day, and somebody maybe you know or don’t know that well goes, “Are you taking turmeric?” “What?” “Turmeric, are you taking it?” “Turmeric?” “Yeah, you gotta take that shit.” “Turmeric?” “Yup.” “The spice?” “Yeah, you gotta take it.” “Turmeric, the spice.” “Yeah, man, you gotta take that.” “The– The spice that you buy once to make an Indian recipe… and you never use it again, and it stains your wooden spoon, that turmeric?” “Yeah, you got to take that shit.” “I do?” “Yep.” “For what?” “Inflammation.” “Of what?” “Just general. General… General inflammation.” “What is– What is that?” “It’s the new bad thing that causes all the other bad things.” “What happened to cholesterol?” “No, turns out that’s good for you.” “What? When did that happen? Turmeric, huh? Who told you about this?” “My trainer.” “All right, so the guy who wanted to do something else with his life… saw something online, told you, and now you’re dumping it into my head, now I gotta worry about whether I’m gonna take turmeric or not?” And I apologize, I know it’s a little condescending to trainers and some people get a little weird about that. I don’t know why. Is that a surprise? Most trainers, wasn’t their life goal, all right? They– They had other plans… the team didn’t work out, they didn’t make the team. They were at the gym a lot anyways. Whatever. Just wasn’t the big plan for them, all right? They– They ended up there. And they can take this criticism. Just– I’m just calling a fact a fact. I’m not gonna make fun of yoga instructors ’cause that’s different. That’s sort of the last stop for them. You know, like… You wanna be nice to them, you don’t know how they got there, it’s probably a harrowing tale, but, you know, you’re kind of grateful they made it to wherever they are, and you know that you being in their class is as important to them as they are to you. Like, if it doesn’t work out for the trainer, he’s gonna figure out something else to do. The yoga instructor, we really don’t know where that goes. You know, back to the turmeric guy, as he’s walking away, he’s like, “Oh, yeah, if you’re gonna get the turmeric, make sure you get it with black pepper in it or it won’t activate.” Now, right there, doesn’t that make you go, “That sounds like bullshit to me a little bit”? Am I that big of a sucker that you think I would believe that? Where’s the science on that? That sounds like a couple of vitamin hustlers sitting over a mound of wholesale turmeric with a bunch of empty gel caps, one guy going, “I don’t know, man. I don’t think we can move this just like this. It’s just a spice. I think we gotta… We gotta add something.” “Yeah, like what, boss?” I don’t know why it’s a ’30s movie. “I don’t know, maybe another spice?” “Yeah, like what? Maybe pepper?” “Yeah, keep talkin’.” “Maybe– Maybe we say it activates it?” “Holy shit! That’s a fucking million-dollar idea right there. Let’s load up these gel caps. Maybe Rogan will move ’em on his podcast. I mean, I know Maron won’t do it, he’s more of a Stamps.com, Squarespace guy… but Rogan’s sort of an old school supplement slinger.” And I know I’m gonna get a little flak for that comment. I know there might be a minor pile-on on Twitter of the monoculture of free thinkers, but I can take it. So I guess, after all is said and done, I should just say that, like, I’m taking turmeric and, um… I feel less inflamed, you know? In a… in a general way. Generally less inflamed. I’m gonna believe that. I believe that. It’s funny what we believe in. You know, it’s kind of ridiculous sort of all kind of magical thinking, ’cause we’re all frightened. But there’s one thing that is kind of baffling to me. You know, we all take vitamins, yet there’s a vocal but small minority of people in this country that refuse to vaccinate their children. They refuse to vaccinate their children because the jury’s still out, I think, on the vaccines. Is it, though? Jury’s out on vaccines? How many friends do you have with polio? A lot of polio people… in the family in iron lungs? Got a lot of people you know in iron lungs? Did you ever get over that whooping cough you had? How’s that kid with mumps of yours? Is that kid all right, you fucking moron? And they’re always like, “The measles isn’t a big deal.” Yes, it is! They were– It was gone! There were no measles! They’re like, “Everyone knows you can knock out the measles with a high dose of vitamin A.” What? No. I mean, if you add a little bit of black pepper, I think maybe… you got a shot at knocking out the measles. I don’t know what’s happening, people. I don’t know. But it’s pretty clear the world is ending. I don’t want to shock anybody. Seems to be happening, though. I thought we’d get out. I thought we’d make it under the wire. I thought I would, you know. I’m 56, but I don’t know, I think we might see it. I think we might see it. Certainly it’s been ending environmentally for a long time. We’ve all kind of known it, we knew it, but I think on a deeper level, the reason we’re not more upset about the world ending environmentally is I think all of us, in our hearts… really know that we did everything we could. You know, we really… Right? I mean, we really did. I mean, think about it, we– you know, we… [inhales sharply] We brought our own bags… to the supermarket. Yeah, that’s about it. -Like, we brought– We brought the bags. -[audience cheers] Right when they told us, we brought ’em, and it just wasn’t enough, it turns out. Just not enough… to, you know, get us over the top with this. But I don’t know, maybe this straw thing, the no straw thing… will, you know, maybe that’ll do it. Maybe that’ll keep the polar bears from drowning. Sometimes the answer is right between your mouth and your soda, you know? And you just take that out of the equation, and… the human species survives. You know what I mean? It’s gonna be a tough transition for a lot of people. You know to, like, “Oh, fuck, I guess we gotta drink like grown-ups now. It’s bullshit, man, no straws. Fuck this. Goddamn liberals fuck everything up.” And that is the tone and depth of many of their arguments. Look, I have to be honest with you, Trump is probably the most horrible human that ever lived in any capacity doing anything. [audience cheering] And I… Not a political statement. That is, uh, observational. Completely observational. No matter what he would do. If he was doing another job, he would be the same asshole. Like, if he was working on a car lot and you went onto that lot to buy a new car and he came walking towards you, innately, you’d be like, “No, not that guy. Not… I don’t feel comfortable with that guy. There’s something off. Not right. It’s not right.” And I don’t know, man. It’s, like, a lot of people still ask that question, like, “How did this happen? Why… [chuckles] How did– How did he get elected?” Now, I don’t want to be condescending. I think most of you are like-minded people, I don’t think there’s a lot of Trump supporters in here. If there are, it’s not your night, but… But, uh… But I think there is a question among people that aren’t Trump people that’s sort of like, “How did this happen?” Well, I had to ask myself that and I’ll ask you. So, during the Obama years, were you pretty politically active? Yeah, exactly. So, like… If you ask most people, “What did you do during the Obama years?” It’d be something like, “Well, I worked on me. I did a lot of work on my– on myself. You know, I was very mindful. There was a lot of hope then. Did a lot of yoga. A lot of yoga. Got my core tight. And I think that was good. I think that’s good.” They were chipping away at state and local governments for 30 years, but your Downward Dog is solid? That’s great. That’s terrific. Good for you. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t even know if he’s gonna leave if he gets voted out. What if he doesn’t fucking leave? I know most of you have thought that because now it could happen because we don’t know how government really works anymore. We used to think there was rules and stuff, but clearly none that weren’t bendable or completely eradicate-able. Is that a word? There doesn’t seem to be any rules. There’s all these norms which are basically just, “You’re gonna do the right thing, right?” “Yeah, no problem, don’t worry.” What is that? How do you enforce that? What if he doesn’t fucking leave? Oh, my God. But worse yet, what if he gets elected again? Oh, man. I hope the voting works in our favor. But I was onstage and I asked that question. I said, “What if he doesn’t leave?” And a woman somewhere in the goes, uh, “There’d be anarchy in the streets!” I was thinking like, “In this country? I don’t think so.” I think what would happen is three days into him not leaving, people would be like, “Is he still there? This is so weird. It’s so weird.” “I know, it’s fucked up and weird.” “Totally fucked up and weird.” “Is he just gonna stay there?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” “Well, what do we do?” “I don’t know.” “Do we even go to yoga anymore?” “Oh, we have to go to yoga. Like, now more than ever we have to go… because that energy is important out in the world. And the instructor Chelsea will be sad if we don’t go and I’m worried about her.” [scattered applause] Oh, thank you. [applause and cheers] Look, I don’t really know– I don’t know how it all– [chuckles] I don’t know– Obviously none of us do, and you’re just trying to, you know, get through it. I hate when people go, “Don’t normalize this presidency.” I don’t think anybody is really normalizing it, but we’re just trying to deal. I mean, what’s the alternative? To walk around going, “Oh, my God! What the fuck is happening?! Every day, I’m terrified! This is fucking crazy!” I mean, you can’t do that. Many people have jobs, they have things to do, they have to function in the world. You don’t want to be the crying guy at work. “What’s the matter with him?” “It’s that Trump thing.” It hasn’t stopped for almost two years now.” [sobbing] “I don’t know!” [chuckles] How do you get through it, you know? You gotta have some hope, I guess. I don’t know… Uh, you know, spiritual? You spiritual? You practical? What do you do? I don’t know who I’m asking, I don’t know who I’m expecting to answer. I myself… Look, I’m a Jew, for… You know, whatever that means. I mean, there’s a broad spectrum of that and generally… You know, I don’t know if I was ever taught to use God. How to use God… You know, we were told he was there, but most of what you learn as a middle-class American Jew is that you’re better than other people and… you should say you’re a Jew out loud occasionally, sometimes out of context. Like, those– those are the basic rules. And we are better than other people. I’m sorry, I know that’s… why we’re so contemptible to some of you, but yeah, that’s true. And you just kind of say you’re a Jew, like, maybe at dinner someone says something and you say, like, “Well, I’m a Jew.” And it doesn’t make sense to anybody, really. The one other Jew there kinda knows that you’re taking the hit, like, “You’re the target now and, uh… but I’m glad you did your part today.” But I don’t know, you know, the Jesus thing, that’s different. You know, that’s kind of dug in. Right? If you got the Jesus put in you early on, it’s usually terrified into you by terrified parents and you’re taken some place once a week and he scares you, uh, at the very least. Uh… [chuckles] That– That’s the best thing that can happen, is… just the basic fear. The God fear is good. Leave it at that. And that kind of sticks in there. It sticks in a little deeper, you know, so I’m not judging, you know, your– your faith. Do whatever you gotta do to get by, right? Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh. The Marvel Universe, I think, works for some people. It’s a very popular belief system. They claim that it isn’t, but I think it kinda is, ’cause I’ve poked at the Marvel Universe fans, and they react like religious fanatics. They– And it’s dug in there pretty deep. They’ll… They will claim, the grown male nerd-children, will claim… that it’s just entertainment and why do I gotta be some sort of buzzkill? Why am I bullying them? Well, quite frankly, I think at this point, nerd culture, I’m punching up, all right? They’re no longer, you know, the huddled weirdos. They– They now sort of run the cultural apparatus. And I’m not– like, I’m not saying… Yeah, I am saying it’s a shitty thing, but what I’m saying… is I think it’s a belief system and I don’t think they’re willing to admit that. There’s a couple of bubbles, you know? You got the Fox News bubble, which is evil and malignant. You’ve got the broader Christianity bubble, which can go either way. And then you’ve got, you know, the Marvel Universe bubble, which is culturally malignant, but not as evil as Fox, but it’s troubling. It’s troubling for a couple reasons, one of them, culturally, is being, like, if you’re a grown-up, who doesn’t feel like they need or want to see those movies, you kind of feel bullied into going, and you have to literally resist. Like, I’m not going to go. Because you know people that are like, “Maybe it’ll be fun.” Don’t go, don’t do it. Don’t give in. You’re a grown-up and you don’t know what it’ll do to your brain. Brains are very soft, they’re a lot softer than we assume. There’s a lot of people that are, you know, allowing themselves to become stupid and they don’t even know it, and it’s sad when you’re their friend. So… But, like, for grown-up movies, the studios put so much money into those Marvel movies and it kinda pushes the grown-up movies into your home, which is fine, but sometimes you want to see a movie like a movie with an audience, not just with your cat, in my case. So… You know, sometimes because of Marvel movies, you have to drive 25, 30 miles to a smaller theater to see a good, adult independent film with other human beings, like-minded people, where you all get to leave at the end, confused by the ending. And you can overhear other people saying things like, “Did he die at the end, or he didn’t? Why is that not clear?” “I think the director wants us to be having this conversation.” “Well, I don’t like it. Why can’t we know whether he died or not? It seems important to the movie.” “Well, see, it clearly had an effect on you.” “Is this the effect you want, though?” But Marvel movies… See, the reason I think it’s a belief system is most– some of these guys are my age, the fans of Marvel movies, and they’ve been reading, like, Marvel comic books since they were, like, nine. Like, four to ten titles a month for, like, what? Forty years? I mean, come on, like, those of you who read the Bible when you were a kid, you got away from it, probably. You know, you lapsed a little bit. You don’t read the Bible now unless you find a lump in your armpit or something. You know, but it sort of got away from you. These guys still read four to ten titles a month and you’re gonna tell me that doesn’t run deeper than just entertainment? Come on, there is a lot of grown male nerd-children that, when their life gets scary and existential and fucked up, you know, they bow down and go, “Oh, Endgame will be out soon!” You know, they’re going, “When is the next one coming?” And I think they believe it deeper than you’re assuming they believe it. And I think it’s fine. You know, Jesus, Iron Man. Does it matter, really? These are… These are good stories. They’re good stories. Good and evil, redemption. And oddly, you know, both of them could come back, like… Iron Man died at the end of the last movie, but it’s possible that he could come back. I think a lot of grown male nerd-children are hanging onto hope and they kinda know, like, “He’ll be back.” And Jesus, of course, is prophesized, so… You know, we’re on the precipice of two resurrections, folks. I think it should be noticed or recognized that both the story of Jesus and the Marvel Universe created in Jewish writer rooms. Um… [cheering] A couple… couple thousand years apart, but, you know, it comes from that amazing, creative imagination that Jews have. Because of how great they are. The reason I’m doing this is I just want to know that there’s a few people in the room here, no matter how progressive you may think you are, that are going like, “We get it, you’re a Jew.” Like, I just want to know that I’m causing that to happen. Because I believe that most people are anti-Semitic… given the option. I’m not… I’m not saying they’re walking around saying, “Fuck the Jews, they’re terrible,” but it doesn’t take much baiting, you know, like, “Hey, you know, the Jewish guy stuff–” “You know, you’re right, fuck them.” Like, it’s just– It’s right there. And I think that I’m trying to find it in you so you see it in yourself. But I know you’re asking, “Why are Jews so amazing? Where does that creativity come from?” And I’ll do a quick impression of Jewish creativity for you right now. This is my impression of Jewish creativity. “Keep making shit up that they like so they don’t kill us!” That’s– It’s a deep place. It comes from a deep place. [audience cheering] Yeah. The more modern version of that in the comic book era was like, “I didn’t flee Poland for them to kill us! Keep making up superheroes!” Similar. Similar thing. Am I right? I don’t really know. I don’t know what… [chuckles] I don’t know… Here’s the weird thing about being a Jew. You know, I’m not religious, but I am prone to prophecy. Um, and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I’m not saying I’m a prophet, but if I’m terrified, I’ll go mystical, you know? I mean, I don’t mind. I’ll do it. And sometimes it doesn’t make sense. It makes sense to me, but, like, I’ll give you an example. [inhales sharply] Like, I was hiking and, um… This wasn’t too long ago, and I’m looking at the ground, I realized, “Wow, a lot more lizards now.” I don’t know what that means, but… like, I think it’s deep. I think that Trump has opened the lizard portal and I… think you should share that. Why can’t that be a little thing of information that you spread around a little bit? Just walk up to somebody, like, say, “Maron said the lizard portal’s open.” And people will be like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And you’re like, “I don’t know, but it sounds scary. Sounds real. Sounds like it’s happening.” “The lizard portal?” “Yup, the lizard portal is open. Saw a coyote out during the day. That’s not right, they’re nighttime monsters. You gonna tell me the lizard portal isn’t open, it is, and day coyotes are among us, and you’re gonna say that’s not a fucking problem? That’s not a harbinger of what’s happening?” Our state is on fire right now. It’s on fire all the time. Every year, California is on fire to the point where it’s just the way it is. Two weeks ago, my friend Lynn said, “Aren’t the fires a little late this year?” How is that something you say… like it’s a season? It kinda is a season. Once a year, if you live in California, you’re like, “Ah, fuck, there are ants and shit’s burning. Must be summer.” So they are late this year. And it’s crazy, man. We just kinda live with it and they’re worse and worse, and, you know, like, you get those panicky calls from friends and relatives on the East Coast. Like, my mother will call from Florida. “Hi, are you okay?” “Yeah. What are you talking about?” “The fires.” “Oh, shit, yeah. They’re not by me. Um…” [audience cheering] “Did– Did they… Did they say where they are on the news where you are? Where? Oh, shit, that is kinda by me. Hold on a second, I’m gonna take a look out my front door here. Oh, shit, Ma. I gotta call you back, I… I can see the fires. They’re, like, right here. Yeah, I gotta call you back, I gotta get a selfie with these fires. Fire’s getting close. Hashtag ouchie. Hashtag end times. Hashtag Los Angeles 2019!” [audience cheering] It’s happening. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to get everybody, you know, to… Like, you would think at this point that we’d… Like, haven’t we been entertained enough? Weird thing for me to say, but Jesus. Like, isn’t there something that could bring everyone together and just realize, like, we’ve got to put a stop to, like, almost everything. Right? Oh, my God, what would it take? Something terrible. That’s what brings people together. Nothing good. Occasionally a concert outdoors. But that never really goes anywhere. [chuckles] It’s gotta be something bad and big. Get everyone to fucking snap out of this… Fuck, whatever it is, trance of like… It’s– Well, I think we do it adaptively. I think it’s sort of like, “I’m doing what I can in my life.” Well, that’s not enough. You know… [laughs] I don’t know what it’ll take. Does the sky have to catch on fire? Would that do it? If we all walked outside and went, “Oh, we fucked it. Fucking sky’s on fire. God damn it. I knew we were in trouble, but fuck, it made the jump from land to sky. This is bad.” One guy standing there, “It’s not on me, man, I brought my bags.” Some other dude in the back going, “Hannity says this is normal!” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “I watched Hannity today, he summed it up, man. He said the sky caught fire, I think, in India, 1902… Burned for three days and it rained for, like, a month. So, don’t believe the libtards’ spin on this.” “What are you talking about?” “Burning sky’s good for America.” “What does that even mean?” “A lot of jobs in a burning sky.” “That doesn’t even make sense, stupid.” “Jews set the sky on fire.” “Yeah, of course they did. I knew it would get to that.” Then some other doughy guy just standing there, maybe in his little… baseball hat going, “Come on, Iron Man. Come on, Iron Man. This is your time. I know you’re real.” My mother is, uh, still alive and… Oof. Sorry, wrong tone. Um… I’m blessed to have my mother still with me. Better? Uh… No, you know, she’s still around. That’s good. And it– I think she’s part of it, you know, the whole end thing. It’s weird, no matter how old they get– I’m 56. You know, my mom’s still around, got all her mental things. She’s all good upstairs, physically she’s doing great, but they can, you know, they can still fuck your day up… at any age. Surprise you. Like, I got a text about a month or so ago from my mother in the middle of a nice day, all caps, “I wish we could do your childhood over.” With a little baby bottle emoji. What does that even mean? What is that? Like, I didn’t even know what that– Like, what was the tone of that? Was it– I didn’t know if she was being contrite, you know, or nostalgic, like, was… was she taking responsibility for whatever caused me to do this for a fucking living? Or– Or– was she just sort of reflecting and like, “We were friends when you were four. I don’t know if you remember that.” Either way, I responded with, “I don’t think I could handle it!” With this emoji… But she’s part of the end, I think, she’s part of the unfolding. She’s part of the prophecy. Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I call her up and it’s– I’m like, “Hi, Mom.” She’s like, “Hi, Marc.” “How’s it going?” “Good. So glad you called. How are you?” “I’m good.” “What are you doing?” “You know, the stuff.” “That’s good.” “How about you, everything good?” “Yep.” “What have you been doing?” “We went to that restaurant that we took you to when you were here.” “The one you always go to?” “Yes. They give you too much food.” “Okay. What else is going on?” This happened, like, a couple months ago, my mother said this out of nowhere, she goes, “I have to go, Marc. I have to go feed my iguanas.” And I said, “What?” She goes, “My iguanas, I have to feed them. I love you, bye.” My mother doesn’t have iguanas. And I thought, this is her, this is it, she’s starting to go, right? But then I thought, wait, maybe it’s, like, senior sex code. You know what I mean? Maybe there was… a couple of octogenarian men sitting on her sofa in their boxers going, “When’s this gonna happen? Is it gonna happen?” You can laugh at that. She’s my mother. She can– You don’t have to respect her. She can take the hit. She likes to be talked about. She does. When she hears that joke, all she’ll say is, “Is that necessary?” But… [chuckles] Iguanas, man. I did a Google search on South Florida and iguanas. Yeah. Turns out there’s a massive iguana problem in South Florida. They’re all over the place. They’re out of control. They’re eating through power lines, they’re showing up in cars and homes. There’s literally iguanas fucking everywhere. So, yes, the lizard portal is open. All over the world. And on every one of those websites where I looked at the iguana issue, you know what it says? “Please do not feed… the iguanas.” But my mother has taken it upon herself… I assume she thinks she’s feeding the same few iguanas every day out behind her house, like they’re her friends. She’s just down there going, like, “Look, this is some food from the restaurant we took my son to when he was here. They give you so much food, I hope you enjoy it. Look at your tongue. Look at the tongue! Look at the tongue.” Now, if that isn’t written somewhere in the prophetic books… “When the aging Jewish witch… feeds the dinosaurs off her deck… the return of the Christ is upon us.” I believe it’s in Revelation and I just want to say, that’s my mommy and I’m proud of her. [audience cheering] Yes. I’m doing what I can, people. I’m a 56-year-old man. Just trying to stay woke, you know? Yup. I am of the generation that needed waking. For sure. I think I’m about 85% woke… and the other 15 I keep to myself. Which is actually being woke. It’s putting that voice in your head that goes, “Hey, you know, don’t say that. Maybe don’t say that.” “Good call. Thanks for getting my back.” It’s a close one. I mean, look, if you were to ask me if I was a feminist, I would say, “Of course,” but you know, I have my days. Um… I mean, I’m a guy, I’m a man. I’ve been a man all my life. Before that I was a boy, and… if you’re a man, look, let’s be honest, you probably heard yourself or some other dude that you know at some point in time say this… “Fuck ’em! Fuck ’em all! Fuck women.” Now, the question is, does that guy hate women? I don’t know. Let’s break it down. This is just my experience. Let’s break it down. “So fuck all of them?” “All right, you’re right. Just the last three I dated, right? Fucking bitches.” “So just three?” “You know what? Just Michelle, really. Fucking bitch. Broke my heart, took my shit. Fuck Michelle.” “So, just one woman.” “Yeah, and it was kinda my fault.” And… I think that’s a pretty good working definition of woke: “It was kind of my fault.” And where you go from there will determine how woke you stay. But that’s the beginning of it. It could go either way, it’s a rough crossroads. And I think one of the biggest problems men have is that they have a dick. All… Most men have dicks. If you’re a man, you don’t have a dick, I hope it was a choice and not an accident. Dicks are a problem, and I think this is sort of… the TED Talk portion of my show. I, uh– I think I’ll call it “The History of My Dick” and it’s meant to be helpful. Trying to help men be respectful, empathetic, and care in the proper way with boundaries about women. And, well, dicks are, you know… [stammers] It’s a problem, it’s an obstacle. Do you remember the first time you came? I’m putting this out there to the men. Uh… It’s a big day. It’s a life-changing day. A lot of times, it doesn’t even involve sexual thoughts, it just sort of happens for some reason, usually, like, when you’re eight or nine or ten. Like for me, it involved a bath faucet with running water, and I– I stuck my dick in it. And I was nine and I knew something was gonna happen. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt pretty big, and it could have been bad, it could have been good, but I stuck with it. Turned out to be fucking amazing. And, uh, a life-changer. Really a great day. And, honestly, I fucked that faucet for a year-and-a-half. Now… Just being… I’m trying to be honest and open. I’ll get to the point of this. Then at some point, someone tells you what that feeling is. Maybe you’re a kid who has an older brother or somebody finds a porno magazine or you find your parents’ copy of The Joy of Sex hidden in a mattress and you can look at fairly realistic renditions of hippies fucking, and what’s… [chuckles] And, like, once someone informs you that that feeling comes from putting your penis into a vagina, that just fucking changes your entire neural pathway issue. And it’s sort of… all you think about… is putting your penis in a vagina… from age 13 to, like, this morning. This is truth. It’s all you fucking think about ’cause it’s amazing. Like, you know, I… I was sort of surprised when I learned about it, you know, because there was part of me that was, like, when I was told about the vagina, I was like, “Really? That’s not water.” You know, like, so, like… And it– And it honestly seemed much more complicated, which I believe to this day is true. But once you know, man, it’s all… You just want to be in the vagina. And that’s the problem, you know, especially for my generation of men, I think, because I really think that a lot of us didn’t really realize in a deep way that women had hopes or dreams or… supportive friends, family, things they wanted to do. Those were really just hurdles, you know, to… try to put it in the vagina. Just wanted to put it in the vagina. So, like… So the way I’m gonna try to help is, like, I think a lot of men have the vagina too far up front in their head still and I think that that’s not really acceptable and I think it’s at the core of a lot of disrespect. I mean… You know, if you have vagina way up front, women know now, it’s not good. It’s not– It’s not a good look. It’s not a good way to be. Like, you don’t have to hug Vicki every day at work. She knows what’s up. It’s awkward. The weird rubbing the back thing in the break room, what is that? That’s not sociable. It’s fucking creepy, you know? I would just stop it. You gotta move vagina back. ‘Cause they– Women can see it now. Vagina is right there, it’s, you know… it’s disrespectful, it’s insensitive. Move it back a few. Maybe, you know, three to five spaces… in your brain. Just move it back, you know. Maybe three. Maybe, like, I don’t know… It just, like… “Hey, how’s it going? Are you okay? Vagina.” You know, like, maybe… Maybe three is good. I don’t know, I’m just trying to help out. Three to five, I think. Fill that other– Fill the gap with niceness and, you know, empathy. It’s hard for men to empathize for women ’cause we’re not women, and we have to, you know, listen, and just– you can do it. You can do it. But don’t be overly crazy. You know, like, I’ve actually found myself occasionally asking for consent to my masturbation fantasies, which I think is too much. Where I’m literally like, “Are you sure you want to fuck?” And she’s like, “Yeah, you’re making this up. Yeah, I want– I want to fuck.” “I’m just checking, you want to fuck?” “Yeah, I want to fuck you bad.” “Okay. I’m just checking, you know, that we’re on the same page. Weird time now, you know, and I did just see you at Whole Foods for, like, 30 seconds, so I don’t think it’s… an inappropriate question.” “Yeah, just fuck me already.” So we’re fucking and it’s going great. I’m making it up. It’s awesome. It’s fucking amazing. Totally connected, symbiotic, fucking in it, just beautiful. And in the middle of it, she just, you know, pushes me off her and says, “Get off of me, you’re freaking me out.” I’m like, “What’s happening?” She’s like, “I don’t feel safe. You’re creepy now.” “Holy shit! What is happening?” And then she’s getting dressed fast, and she’s about to tweet something. I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?” Not an unreasonable question. But the deeper question is, why am I still jerking off to that? You know, like, I had… [audience cheering] I had complete control over that fantasy, and it got away from me because of my own fear, and I finished by myself jerking off to me jerking off crying… that my career would be ruined. So, I’m just saying, you know, don’t get– Don’t, you know, go crazy. You know, just be nice. You know? That’s the message. Look, you guys, I… I’ll share some other tips with you. Um… Like, you know, I was talking about being terrified all the time, and I think a lot of us are and I don’t know, getting through it is tricky, like I said before, but I also apply, uh, some intentional OCD. Like, in lieu of spirituality, I think OCD functions pretty well. Like, if… Like, if you have a few things you do compulsively over and over again. Yeah, that’ll get you through the day. That’ll fill the God hole. It’s okay. It gets a little dicey that half-hour before you fall asleep, but, you know, just… You know what to do. Right? You know… Whatever. Either way. Either way. However you do it, you know. I don’t want to be gender-specific. [murmurs coyly] You know? That’s how you fill that last half-hour. [imitates vibrator buzzing] Whatever you gotta do. It’s a gift. It’s a gift. But, yeah– But I’ll do compulsive shit. If a news day is really bad and I’m freaking out, I will do chores that are unnecessary. Like, a couple months ago, I went through my box of wires. I went through my entire box of wires. Everybody who’s been buying equipment for the last 20 years, you got a pretty good bag or box of cables, chargers and whatnot going, right? Like, I went through– because every piece of equipment you buy comes with that one wire where you’re like, “What the fuck does this one even do? Does this even go to this machine? I don’t know. It’s all wrapped and it’s got a twisty on it. Better save it. Maybe I’ll know what it does later. I might need it.” Right? I went through that entire box. It took me, like, an hour and a half, did not think about the end of the world during that time. And, honestly, I did not throw one of those things away. I didn’t throw… I had the exact same experience with every one of those wires I had when I got it in the first place. “Oh, yeah, this one. Still don’t know what it does, but it’s still wrapped, it’s got a twisty on it. Maybe the mystery is yet to be revealed. I’m gonna save that one.” And now I’m pretty happy that I did because I don’t know what’s gonna happen on the last day of the planet Earth when the sky is on fire. Maybe some guy will come running up my driveway in a frenzy holding a piece of equipment saying, “Hey, man! If I had a charger for this, I could save both of us right now! Right now!” And I could be like, “Holy shit. Might be our lucky day. Let’s go look in the box, bro. And who would have thunk a Palm Pilot would be our ticket out of this mess? -‘Cause…” -[audience applauds] “…not only do I have a charger, I think I’ve got an extra stylus. Would the– Would the stylus help us in our journey?” For you younger people, a Palm Pilot was… one of the first pieces of handheld technology with a screen on it. An interactive screen it had. Like, pretend like I’m showing you. And there was no wi-fi or cell phone, and you could write on the screen with a stylus, like a little pen, and I believe, if I’m not remembering incorrectly, that you had to write in Palm Pilot shorthand, which was enough for me to stop using it after three days. “Oh, I gotta learn a thing? Not for me.” So… [chuckles] But nonetheless, it was one of the first pieces of handheld technology. Sort of a futile thing. It had this weird feature where it could communicate with other Palm Pilots, but we never knew why and you always felt kind of stupid doing it, but you would have to do it if you knew somebody with a Palm Pilot: “Do you want to do the thing?” “Is it doing it?” “Yep, they’re talking to each other.” “About what?” “I don’t know. Machine stuff.” “No, they’re not. It’s just a feature no one uses.” “Why you gotta ruin everything?” “Look, they’re done.” “Yay.” So… [chuckles] But the Palm Pilots went away. They became extinct. And it was just part of the evolution to the… technological clusterfuck that we find ourselves in the center of now. Just happily codependent to a bunch of smarter machines. Just gleefully enabling the singularity. Just looking forward to a day where we’ll just be the fleshy appendage of a series of smarter equipment than us. Ah, how convenient that’ll be. Too dark? I can go another way. I think most of us, if we lost our cell phone, you’re like two hours away from wandering the streets saying, “What’s my name?! Where do I live?! I have a family, but I don’t know how to get in touch with them or where they are anymore.” “Are you okay, old man? Do you need to go to the hospital?” “No, son, I’ve lost my phone.” “Would you like me to call it for you, old man?” “Yes, please. Thank you, son.” “What’s the number, old man?” “I don’t know! I don’t call myself! It’s in the phone! Oh, no. Yeah, take me to the hospital.” There was a time, folks, before cell phones and the internet. Yeah, some of you remember. I saw– I saw the audience. Back then, people had to do things like… wait. Yeah, you had to wait for stuff. And if you were actually waiting, like, in line or something, that was all you could do. [sighs wearily] [exhales] Do you feel all that space I created? That used to be around us all the time. There was all this space that was… all mental space. I mean, you had to wait to check for your messages at the end of an entire day. Like, if you couldn’t get calls at work, there was no way anyone could get in touch with you, and at the end of the day, sometimes 6:00 or 7:00 at night, you would go home, look at a machine on your kitchen counter to see if a light was blinking, and if it was, you’d actually feel a tangible jolt of excitement. “Oh, it’s a message! Someone called.” Then you’d push a button and, like, eight out of ten times, it would be… [imitates repeating dial tone] Some of you don’t even know what that sound is. Does that sound even exist in nature anymore? That was the sound on your machine if someone had hung up. Right? And if it went on long enough, you’d hear a voice go, “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try…” What happened to that guy? I don’t know. Can’t be a good story. And then, if you got some of those, you’d spend ten minutes just wondering like, “Who called me and hung up?” That was the kind of mental time we had back then. Like, what were we doing with all that mental space? Using our imagination, just letting our memories do what they do in their own time and pace. Like, back then, if you couldn’t remember something, that was sort of the end of it. Unless, like, you couldn’t remember something and you locked on. That was problematic ’cause what could you do then? Yeah. Not easy. Like, let’s say you’re just… driving to work. This is back in the day. Let’s go there now. [chuckles] Just driving to work, maybe listening to a cassette in your in-dash player. Through some, uh, Jensen coaxials or triaxial speakers. If you had a lot to prove, you had a power amp bolted onto the floor. Maybe you’re listening to a little Lynyrd Skynyrd Second Helping. Not a bad band, stop judging that band, solid rock band, lot of good records, amazing double live album. You’re misunderstanding that one song. Re– Listen to it again. Listen to it again. Maybe you’re listening to a little Skynyrd Second Helping, you know exactly where the tape is fucked up from that day it got stuck in the machine. That was a tough few minutes. Oh, shit, come on, man! Come on! Oh, yeah! Get it out, get the pen out, roll that cassette back up, pop it back in the deck. Now, you know. ♪ Call me the breeze– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Baby ♪ Oh, that was that day. That was a terrible morning. So, you’re just driving to work, enjoying the music, no cell phone to distract you, no internet, maybe you’re just eating– eating some trail mix on your way to work. I actually am old enough to remember when it became okay to eat trail mix in a non-camping situation. Like, there was definitely… a period of my childhood where you only saw trail mix in the camping section at the– at the sporting goods store, and then I remember vaguely seeing a guy just eating trail mix in life… and I’m like, “Dude, can you do that?” He’s like, “What?” “To eat– Just eat trail mix… outside of a camping situation?” “Yeah, it’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “But you’re not camping.” “Doesn’t matter. It’s just nuts and fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “So you can just eat it anytime?” “Yeah, you can eat it anytime.” Like, I kind of remember when they freed the trail mix. I don’t know… if there was a corporate push behind it or not, but I remember like, “Hey, we can just eat this anytime. It’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” So, anyways, you’re driving to work… back in the day. Maybe you’re chewing on a peanut, and all of a sudden, your brain just goes, “Aw, fuck! Who is peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school. Peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil… Fucking peanut guy! He’s got, like, three names… He’s an inventor, a scientist… God damn it! Why can’t I remember peanut guy?” And that was sort of your day. Like, you did other things, like, you go to work, but every couple hours you’re like, “Fucking peanut guy!” And there was nothing you could do. I mean, you could ask a coworker. “Dude! Dude! Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school? Peanut butter, peanut oil, inventor, scientist, three names… I can’t fucking remember it!” “You gotta calm down. Why are you yelling?” “Do you know or not?” “I don’t have to talk to you if you’re gonna talk to me like that.” “Why don’t you go fuck yourself! Just say you don’t know and fucking piss off.” Then you go to lunch from work. Take a lunch break. Go eat a sandwich. It’s all you could do, eat the sandwich. Watch other people eating sandwiches. Just reflect on the sad tedium of self-awareness. Go back to work. “Fucking peanut guy!” Maybe call a friend from work, you’re not even supposed to use the phone, “Dude, are you there? Pick up, it’s me. Are you there? Pick up. Fuck! Where the fuck are you, man? It’s me. Do– Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school, peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil, three names, a scientist, an inventor or some shit? Fuck! I can’t fucking remember peanut guy. I’m not even supposed to be using the phone, where the fuck are you? Who the fuck was peanut guy? It’s Marc. I’m okay. Um… Call me back when you get– Call me back later. I gotta go.” Then you leave work, drive home, listen to the cassette. ♪ Sweet home– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Alabama ♪ Happened twice. Probably should get a new tape, new deck, something. You get home. Oh, there’s messages. The machine’s beeping. I hope it’s not a hang-up. Beep! “George Washington Carver, man. It’s George Washington Carver. Dude, are you okay? I got your message and you sounded so freaked out. You sounded crazy. And I didn’t have anything to do today, so I’m at the library right now. If you need me to look up some other stuff, I mean, you just sounded really crazy, man. Are you there? Are you okay? All right, call me back. George Washington Carver. Very interesting, I’m still reading about him. I know a lot of shit now. Hope you’re okay, buddy. Buh-bye.” And that’s sort of how you did a search back then. It was, uh… a longer process. [audience applauding] So, um, all right. I’ve got this big idea as a Jew, as a heathen Jew. As a godless Jew, I feel like I want to try to… honor my legacy and sort of create a story, like, I think that most grown-ups know that the story of Jesus is a story. It’s a biblical story, it’s not journalism. Um… And I just thought maybe it’d be nice if I could try to construct some prophecy ’cause it’s sort of my birthright as a Jewish writer of sorts. I’ll get to it, but before I do it, I just want to say, again, I don’t want to judge anyone’s beliefs, I don’t want to mock the myths that define anybody. But… [audience laughs nervously] But there is a strain of Christianity that makes me uncomfortable. Scares me, I think is the word. Uh, and– and those are evangelicals. They scare me. And I’m not punching down. I think there’s, like, 90 million evangelicals, and about 8 million Jews, and I hate to give those numbers out ’cause, yeah, it’s possible. -So… -[audience laughs] [chuckles] Nice uncomfortable laugh. That was very well handled. But evangelicals, and I’ll tell you if you’re in here, I’ll speak directly to you, ’cause this is a safe space. I’m scared. I’m a little scared. Yeah. Because I didn’t realize this until recently, and it’s logical, but I didn’t put it together in my own mind in quite the way I have now, which is that in order for Jesus to come back, the world has to end. It has to. So that means there is about 90 to 100 million people that are pretty excited about it. And that’s kind of problematic to those of us who don’t fucking believe that shit. Right? And a lot of those people are in legislative positions. And I’m sitting there thinking, like, “Wait, what’s happening?” Is there any way they’re– they’re crafting policy to accelerate the prophecy? [scattered nervous laughter] Yeah, think about that for a second. Not exactly humorous, but powerful. If you walked up to your state senator or maybe a congressman that was an evangelical, and they were honest, and you said, “I’m a little concerned about global warming. It seems like humans are causing it. We need to do something about it. It’s happening quickly.” They would say, “Not quick enough, to be honest with you. We’re trying to get the flying Jew back. We got coal going, you know, it’s happening. We’re deregulating as fast as we can. We’re gonna make this shit happen.” Problematic, correct? There’s a dovetailing of late-stage capitalism and Christian end times prophecy that’s a little fucked up, and I’m sorry, I don’t mean to put this on you, but I’m assuming that the horrendous greed monsters that don’t give a fuck about anything are just hedging their bets. They don’t believe the prophecy. In the back of their head they’re thinking, “Hey, if it turns out to be true, we still got the meek, right? They can build the domes. There’s a lot of jobs in a burning sky.” All right. Let’s go. I’ll take another angle. What’s wrong with Mike Pence’s face? Have you looked at Vice President Mike Pence? He’s got a sort of a knot of a face, a tight little face with dead eyes floating in a big head. What’s going on with that face? I don’t know exactly, but I’m pretty sure it’s shame-based. I don’t know exactly what it is, but when I look at Mike Pence doing anything, all I see is a man standing there thinking, “Don’t think about cock. Don’t think about dicks. I don’t want a dick. I don’t want to suck a dick. I don’t want a dick in me. No dicks for Mikey. Jesus. I want Jesus. [audience applauding] Jesus died on a cock for me, and that’s who I… Oh, sorry, I did it again, Jesus. I’m sorry. Jesus is in my heart, not cock.” That’s what I think’s going on with Mike Pence’s face. I think it’s trying to retreat back into his head away from all the dicks he sees coming at him. He’s got a fairly rare condition called inverted gay face, and I believe… I really believe that if Mike Pence sucked one dick, his face would pop out, and we could all be less nervous if Trump doesn’t make it through his first term ’cause Pence is a scary Christian fascist person, and he’s probably worse. Now, I know I’ve gotten some pushback from the LGBTQ community about characterizing a homophobic, gay-hating man as being secretly gay as being wrong because it diminishes the fact that they’re dangerous human beings and they’re– they’re horrible. And I take that to heart and I hear you, but I think I’m right about Pence. Now… Let’s switch back to the story, the prophetic story, which is my hope. And you know where I’m coming from. And this is gonna hurt some people, but you can take it. It’s gonna land kinda bad. Like, it’s– it’s funny, but it’s gonna hurt going in. My hope on the last day of the planet Earth on judgment day when the sky is on fire, and… you know, everyone can’t breathe at the same time. We’re all looking at each other with the same dumb face… [hyperventilating loudly] And no one can help the other person and, you know, water is rising out of nowhere, and there’s just no filter between the sun and our skin anymore, and our flesh is just starting to burn… This is a bad day, folks. Ugly. But it’s coming. And my hope on that day, in my heart, is that Jesus doesn’t come back. Okay, look, I know it’s a small victory for us non-believers, but I think– I think it’ll be worth it… [audience applauding] I think it’ll be worth it to be standing in that water and be able to high-five the guy next to you. “I knew it, man! I knew he wasn’t coming! You owe me 20 bucks, fucker. My face is burning!” My other hope on that day is that… somewhere… Vice President Mike Pence stands… outside, I’m hoping, and among people would be best… he’s in the water trying to breathe, hurting like the rest of us and he realizes what’s happening, and… out loud to no one in particular he just says, “Oh, I should have sucked a cock.” And then he realizes, “Hey, the water’s only so deep, I can still kinda suck some cocks!” And the vice president of the United States starts scrambling through the water trying to suck the dicks of dying guys. I mean, are they gonna argue with him? The vice president wants to blow ’em on the last day of the planet Earth? They’re like, “Hell yeah!” So he’s fucking jerking guys off, he’s sucking dicks, he’s having the best time of his life. He didn’t know it would ever happen for him and it’s happening, and it’s happening hard! Yeah! The VP’s got a dick in each hand, he’s got one in his mouth… and then Jesus comes back. [audience applauding] “I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. I know this looks bad– [retches] I’m sorry… One sec…” [retches] [retches] [retching] “I got it! I– Oh, I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me.” And Jesus is just hovering over Pence. He’s being held by Iron Man. They’re both back, man. They’re both back, baby! And Jesus looks down at Pence and he says, “I can’t do it, Mike. Can’t forgive you. I can’t. You couldn’t wait five minutes? Five minutes. I can’t forgive you.” Pence is like, “Okay, Jesus, but please can I just… Please forgive– I just wanna get into heaven, I mean… That guy gets to go? Come–” That’s how I picture the rapture happening, is people just shoot up into the air like bottle rockets, like– [makes whooshing sound] And they’re not even sure it’s gonna to be them. They’re like, “Is it–” [makes whooshing sound] “Oh!” “Just let me into heaven, Jesus.” And Jesus is like, “Mike, I can’t– Could you– Ease up. Mike, I– Look, I’m sorry, I just– I can’t– I can’t do it. I can’t let you into heaven.” Mike’s like, “Oh, God. Jesus. [sighs] Is there anything I can do… to get into heaven, Jesus?” And Jesus… pulls up his robe… I know it’s difficult. I know, I know, I understand that. Even if you’re not a believer anymore, once it’s in there, you– you… It’s hard to see that. I’m– And I’m sorry for that. But this is what’s happening. This is a biblical story. Not any different than a Bible story. It could be a Bible story. Right? I mean, like, if this was a Renaissance painting, it would be The Test of Pence. So what happens? Iron Man’s kinda shocked. He’s just trying to help out. Well, I think you know what happens, I mean… [stammers] Mike Pence fills his mouth with Jesus cock. I mean, there’s no way he’s not gonna do that. [loud choking sound] And… And he can’t believe how amazing this day is. Like, judgment day worked out far better than anything he even assumed… could possibly happen. So he’s just blowing Jesus. [moaning] And then, something weird happens. Like, Iron Man’s sort of like, “I… You know, I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be here anymore.” And then something weird happens. The Jesus dick keeps getting bigger and bigger, like, to the point where it locks up Mike’s jaws. He’s– [wails in pain] And it’s starting to hurt him and it just blows through the back of his head and it kills him. And Iron Man’s like, “What the fuck is happening?” So he just launches into the air, and all of a sudden Jesus’s dick is huge, it’s shooting fire, and he’s swinging Pence around until his body falls off. So now he’s just got this Pence-head cock ring, you know, and he’s just spraying fire everywhere and Iron Man’s like, “Holy– What– Jesus, what is going on?” And then the robe comes off and it’s Satan! Of course it’s Satan! You guys are students of the Bible. Do you think I’m the kind of man that would just have Jesus’s dick hanging out like that? You think I would do that to you? It was Satan all along. [audience applauding] So then Iron Man realizes what’s going on, and Satan’s, you know, just– [demonic snarling] Spraying fire everywhere. So, Iron Man calls the other Avengers, they all come down, they– they kick Satan’s ass, and he goes back to hell, and then the Pence-head cock ring just falls to the Earth, and it becomes a crown of an evil guy in another story. Look, I’m not a comic book guy, I’m winging this. So… [chuckles] So, all the Avengers are there, and then the real Jesus comes down, and he just kinda comes down like Jesus is supposed to come down… and all the Avengers are like, [whispers] “Oh, yeah… It’s the real Jesus.” And Jesus says, [stammers] “Thanks for helping out. Good job… with all your superhero stuff. That was great. I appreciate it.” And Iron Man says, “We’re– We’re happy to help, Jesus.” And then it’s just awkward there for a minute. And Jesus is sort of, like… kicking around in the clouds. No, maybe they’re on the ground and he’s kicking around the dirt. [chuckles] And the Avengers are standing there and Iron Man’s looking at him. He’s like– [sighs] [stammers] “Do you want to be an Avenger? Is that what’s happening right now?” And Jesus says… “Yeah, I… I do. I think it would be good for me right now, for my brand.” And Iron Man says… “Um… Yeah, okay. All right. Can– Can you do stuff?” And Jesus says… “Fuck yeah, I can. I’m Jesus.” And then the credits roll. So… And then… [audience applauding] And then the meek leave the theaters… not completely happy, most of ’em, just sort of like, “That was bullshit, man! Endgame was so much better. I can’t believe that Iron Man came back. I mean, not yet! Not yet! And Jesus is in it now?” “Dude, I thought that was pretty cool.” “It’s not cool, man! Jesus is not a good superhero. It just isn’t. Do you guys all think that? Well, you’re all fucked up, ’cause love is not a good superpower. It’s not. It was bullshit. I mean, how– You can’t use love as a weapon.” And then, like, the oldest nerd says, “Yeah, you can.” But then he stops and says, “But it’s kinda my fault.” Thanks a lot, you guys. [audience cheering] What a great crowd. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming out. Good night. [cheering continues] [rock music playing] [inaudible] [inaudible] [Marc] Boomer lives! [cat meows]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bert Kreischer: Fighting A Bear [Transcript]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-fighting-a-bear-transcript/

The machine, Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody. Let him hear it. [cheers and applause] I fought a bear one time. [laughs] I know– It sounds as ridiculous to me as it does to you. But I used to have a show called Hurt Bert. It was on FX, and I used to take new men’s dangerous jobs. Every week, it was a brand-new guy, and I took his dangerous job. So you can imagine the excitement I got when I had– when I got a call one morning and they said, “Hey, do you want to fight a bear?” I was like, “Who does that for a living?” And they’re like, “You do on Thursday.” So I show up on set, and it’s a real grizzly bear. It is a 9-foot bear sitting on a park bench just– A vacant look in– As dumb as you think a bear would look. So I walk up. I’m 28 years old. I don’t know any better. I stick my hand in front of his nose so he can get my scent, and the trainer loses his shit. He goes, “What are you doing?” I was like, “I’m letting– He’s getting my scent.” He goes, “This is a grizzly bear, not a labradoodle.” He goes, “That’s not how we do it. We have protocol around here.” I said, “Okay, what am I supposed to do?” He goes, “Take these,” and he hands me five marshmallows. He goes, “When the bear’s not looking, “take a marshmallow, put it in your mouth. “Then, discreetly walk in front of the bear, “just casually, show him the marshmallow like– “And allow the bear the opportunity to engage you. “He needs to engage you “and take the marshmallow out of your mouth with his mouth. This way, he’ll learn to trust you.” And I was like, “fuck that. “Who thought of this, the bear? Is this the bear’s idea?” He’s like, “Hey, buddy, this is how we do it,” and my whole television crew is behind him like… ♪ This is how we do it ♪ It’s my second TV show ever. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m 28, and I want– So I’m like, “All right. I don’t care. I’ll do it.” So I take five marshmallows, I hide behind the bear, and like David Blaine, I whip one into my mouth. Then nonchalantly walk in front of the bear like a street hooker, like… [moaning] And the bear goes from vacant to excited, just… [snorts and roars] And I’m going… [muffled crying] And he starts jumping. [roars] And I’m going… [cries] And he rushes me and tongues it out of my mouth. Tongues it. Bears never brush their teeth. I’m making out with a homeless person five times in a row. And I’m like… [retching] We get done, and the trainer goes, “Fantastic. We’re ready.” I go, “Hold on. I haven’t learned anything.” He goes, “You kidding me? “You learned the most important lesson of the day, and that is, the bear likes marshmallows.” I go, “What’s that mean for me?” He goes, “Listen, if you get in trouble, “just very confidently say ‘marshmallow,’ “and what’ll happen is, the bear will hear that, “and he’ll give you some space to do your marshmallow trick. “But we’ll hear it, we’ll know you’re in trouble, and we’ll get you out of there; that’s your safe word.” I was like, “Yeah, but he thinks they’re inside me.” He’s like, “You’ll be fine. Let’s go!” And the bear– I swear– And I know you’re gonna go, “Bullshit.” The bear was smiling. He was– He’s got that look in his face like, “I know how to get marshmallows around here, bitch.” And he runs up to me, and I can’t express it perfectly. It’s like being in a car crash, the most helpless I’ve ever felt. He grabs me by the ears, both paws, lifts me off the ground effortlessly, and starts trying to shake marshmallows out of my ass, just… [roars] And I’m going, “Marshmallow, marshmallow. Marshmallow!” But no one can hear me ’cause there’s a 9-foot grizzly bear going… [roaring] All of a sudden, he drops me, and that is at the moment that I thought I was gonna die. He lets go, and I’m like, “Thank God.” Then his fingernail grabbed my belt loop, just snagged it, and he spun me doggy style and locked on in a bear hug, just… [roars] Grinding gently on my ass, just– Now we’re both facing the same direction. I’m looking at the crew, the trainer, going, “Marshmallow. Marshmallow, marshmallow.” Everyone’s laughing except for the trainer, who looks panicked. He waves and catches eyes with me and goes, “Go limp!” I’m like, “Please be talking to me right now. “A–Is there a bear cock climbing up my jeans?” About to split center seam, just– [strained] “Marshmallow.” So I go limp. I go limp. Now it looks like I’m getting date raped by a bear, just– I slide out of his paws, land on my back, and that’s the last thing I remember, because apparently his instincts took over and he sat on my face. My wife, who I had been dating for three months at the time– I had invited her to the set so I could impress her. My wife’s not afraid of big animals at all. She goes over to the bag of marshmallows, grabs a marshmallow, puts it in her mouth. Stands by my feet and goes– The bear then takes his balls out of my mouth, walks over to her. They pull the bear to one side, her to the other. They drag me under a tree, and I wake up in the lap of my producer Tim Scott. I open my eyes. I look at Tim. It’s the first thing I see, and I was like, “What happened?” He was like, “Well, you got raped and tea-bagged by a bear. You might want to get tested.” And he’s like, “That chick– that LeAnn chick, I think she saved your life.” And I look over, and my wife, at that moment, is coming running over to me, and it’s like– It’s out of a movie, and I know you’re gonna go, “Really, is this how this fucking happened?” Well, it’s my narrative, okay? She leans in. Her head blocks the sun. There is a halo from the Lord himself, or herself– I don’t care. And she is staring down at me, and she says to me in her Southern accent, “Are you okay?” And I look back at her with the sun caressing her face, and I knew without a doubt in that instant, at that very moment– You’re like, “Really? That’s when you knew?” Yeah, that’s when I knew. I would’ve never done that for her. Thank you, guys. [cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bert Kreischer: Hey Big Boy (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-hey-big-boy-transcript/

[electronic music playing] [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… Bert Kreischer! [crowd cheering] Yeah! What’s up? Cleveland! [cheering, whooping] I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day… [crowd laughing, whistling] …that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. [laughing] She walked in progressive left… walked out with a MAGA hat on, just– [groans] In all fairness, I do shit fairly aggressively. I shit on the underside of the seat. You ever gotten that blowback where you… Your wife lifts up the seat, and it’s got freckles underneath it? I’m a tough guy to live with. I piss her off. She got mad at me the other day. By the way, this will split the room. Some people will be like, “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” and some will be like, “What the fuck?” I put my dick on her shoulder. Now… [crowd laughing] Ladies, ladies, ladies… I’m all about progress. But I don’t want to live in a world where a man in his own house can’t sneak up behind his wife… while she’s reading a magazine, take his dick out, put it on her shoulder, and go, “Whoo! Polly want a cracker!” Now… Dude, she called me out at a dinner party. She told strangers about it. By the way, I was in the hole at this dinner party, right out the gates. This lady I didn’t know was telling us the difference between a broom and a mop. [man replies indistinctly] Yeah, I wish you had been there. In the middle, I just started giggling, “I can’t believe we’re talking about this right now.” She goes, “I bet Bert doesn’t know the difference between a broom and a mop.” My wife held onto her seat, like, “You’re not gonna like his answer.” I leaned into the table. I go, “No, I know the difference between a broom and a mop. It’s really hard to beat your wife with a mop.” You know when other men look at you, like, “I would love to be on your team right now. That’s not gonna happen.” [laughs] My wife then just chimes in, “He put his dick on my shoulder… and pretended it was a parrot!” I was like, “That’s not what happened. It was a cockatiel.” I live in LA. People take getting offended in LA to an art form. Dude, in LA, they get offended on behalf of people. [man boos] Bro, I go to the Starbucks by my house the other day, right? I walk in, there’s this young black kid working behind the counter, and he recognizes me. Now, first off, I love getting recognized. But I love getting recognized by black people. It’s so much better, the way they do it. It’s more excited. Like, “Oh, shit!” This kid’s working behind the counter, I walk in and he goes, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Oh, this is gonna be a good one.” [laughing] I walk through the line, and by the time I get up to the counter, he’s already bubbling. He’s like, “Dawg, dawg, dawg, you have no idea!” I was like, “I have a little idea right now.” He’s like, “No, my man, my dude. Oh, man! I am the biggest fan of Joe Rogan’s.” [crowd oohing] [laughing] I’m like, “Cool, is he here?” He’s like, “No, but you know him!” I’m like, “Yeah, I do.” He’s like, “That’s so cool, man.” He goes, “Hey, the best comedians in the game right now, Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, and Tom Segura.” I’m literally standing right in front of him, and I just go… “What about me?” And he’s like, “Nah.” He’s like, “Hey, man, I tried getting into your shit, but see, the problem with you is you laugh at your own jokes.” By the way, he’s accurate. I do laugh at my own jokes. I’ve done it, I will do it. Fuck him, I’m having a good time. Anyway… Now you can tell the conversation’s not going the way he had planned on it. And he looks at me, and he goes, “Hey, man, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” I go, “You didn’t hurt my feelings. Those are my three closest friends. I’m gonna tell them about this interaction, and they’re gonna love it.” He’s like, “You’d do that?” I go, “I’m definitely doing that.” He’s like, “Aw, cool, man. What can I get you?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it thugged out.” He’s like, “Huh?” I said, “Black.” And he starts laughing, and I lean in. I go, “I didn’t laugh that time, did I, motherfucker?” [laughing] Yeah. And then I started laughing too ’cause I laugh at my own jokes! Both of us are laughing hard as shit, right? He hands me my coffee and goes, “All right, I was wrong about you. You’re funny.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I go home, I tell my wife about it. She thinks it’s funny. I come back the next day. Exact same scenario. I walk in, kid sees me, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day, baby.” I get through the line, but this time, when I get up to the counter, he’s already laughing hysterically. He’s giggling. He’s like… [imitates laughter] “How you doing, man?” I go, “Good.” He goes, “What can I get you today?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Oh! Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it to be pulled over for no reason at all.” [laughing] And the kid falls out laughing, right? And I laugh too ’cause I laugh at my own fucking jokes. But now we’re laughing like a team. Like two buddies who have an inside joke. And what’s making him laugh harder is watching me laugh. We’re matching each other’s energy like two gay lovers in a steam room. He hands me my coffee, grabs my wrist, and he goes, “Hey, am I gonna see you tomorrow?” I was like, “You’re damn right you’ll see me tomorrow.” I was up all night writing jokes for this kid. Yeah, I fucked myself ’cause he already knows the structure to the joke. He already knows the setup. That’s 90% of the work right there. You know he’s been guessing punchlines all day, handing out coffees, like, “Here’s your coffee. Taking a knee during the National Anthem. Enjoy it.” Yeah, I got to bring the thunder. I’m a professional comedian. I owe it to this kid. He just found out I was funny two days ago. The thing about a joke… Not that you don’t know this, but I’ll reinforce it. It’s got to be the last thing you think I would say. That’s why you laugh. So I show up at Starbucks the next day, right? Starbucks is packed. Kid sees me walk in and works his way over to the register, like, “I got the next ten customers!” I am nervous in line ’cause I’m watching him alert all his coworkers, like, “Get Bradley out of the back. It’s going down. Cathy, stop making coffees. It’s happening. Fat guy, red hoodie. Fat guy, red hoodie.” I’m going over my set list in my head. And I got these two older white women… Not “older.” They’re my wife’s age. Whatever, fuck ’em. Anyway… [laughing] They’re… They’re talking about rescuing whippets or whatever white women talk about. I don’t know. All I know is I’m trying to focus because, by the time I get up to the counter, the first thing I notice is all his coworkers are clustered behind him… just listening. No one’s making coffee! And the kid is in front of them, visibly nervous. He’s like, “Good day, sir.” Now I’m nervous. I’m like, “Good day to you.” He’s like, “What can I get you today?” I’m like, “Ah… I think I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like… [grunting] “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I don’t want it to know its father.” And the kid falls on the ground laughing. His coworkers are behind him, like, “Shit, he brought the thunder, man.” I start laughing. And the white woman next to me goes, “What did you just say to him?” [stammers] “I don’t want my coffee to know its father.” She’s like, “What is that supposed to mean?” And the kid gets up, leans over the counter and goes, “It means he wants it black!” I am crying laughing. The kid has snot coming out of his nose. And she gets offended. “How dare you talk to him in that manner? I won’t allow that. Not on my watch. I’ll take care of this, son.” And I lean into the kid, and I go, “That’s the problem with cream.” [laughing] That just… [crowd whooping] Cheers. [laughs] Whoa. That’s a lot stronger than I thought it would be. Whoo. Jesus Christ. [man] Yeah, Bert, we love you! I love you too. -[man] Whoo! [crowd applauding] I love my wife. I wish I didn’t. I do, man. She’s a bad bitch. She’s an honest person. Here’s the thing about women. When women are honest… This is what sucks. They get written off as bitches. But when a dude’s honest, they’re like, “Savage, man, way to get ’em!” My wife is brutally… My wife is autistically honest. Dude, I was getting undressed in the bedroom the other day, and, through the doorway, I hear her go… [groans] Like, is that for me? And she goes, “You do not look good naked. Like… Baby, it looks like you’re still wearing a belt. When you get naked, it’s like your body… Oh, it looks like you outgrew your dick. It looks like your body got bigger, but your dick stayed the same size, so… It looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city. Like, ‘Hell, no, we won’t go. Hell…'” Dude, I was in the grocery store with her the other day. And I was getting this weird sensation in my dick. It’s going ice cold, then hot, then ice cold, then hot. I started panicking. I go, “Something’s going on with my dick, baby. It goes cold then hot, cold then hot–” And she just cuts me off and goes, “You have to lose weight.” I go, “Do you think it’s my blood pressure?” She’s like, “No, it is out of your pants.” I couldn’t see it. And there it was like a hood ornament, just… Shut the fuck up. Like Rose in the Titanic. [howling] It was getting cold in the frozen food section. I’m such an idiot. I’m opening the ice cream door, like, “It’s happening again. Oh, God. Should we get baby aspirin? I think I’m having a stroke. No, never mind. It’s going. It’s gone.” My wife saw her first porn the other day. Let me rephrase that. My wife caught me watching porn the other day… in the worst way anyone’s ever gotten caught watching porn. I guarantee it. 11:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. I’m in the closet. Now… I don’t even know how it started. I don’t know how I got into it. All of a sudden, I’m in it, though. I’m on my phone, scrolling. Because I broke my governor when I was a kid. Now nothing turns me on. I’m like, “Give me a tentacle or quicksand. Something real. Knock the wind out of someone. Something I can gravitate to.” I hear her walking into the closet. Phone in the pocket, she didn’t see that. She looks at me and says, “What were you just doing on your phone?” I’m on my heels, I got this. I go, “I was replying to work e-mails.” She goes, “Really? Are you sure you weren’t watching a video called No Mercy for My Throat?” Now I’m thinking, “That is really specific for a guess.” But I stood my ground. I go, “No.” And she goes, “Dickhead, your phone’s tethered to the TV in the bedroom.” She had been watching me flip through all the porns I deemed boring. “Girl on girl? What is this, eighth grade? Guy, girl? What am I, gay? Come on, give me something real. Ooh, No Mercy for My Throat? I’m listening.” And this was not for the faint of heart. This was not entry-level porn. This was mascara running. Like… [gagging] The kind of blowjobs where they have to come up for air. Just… [gasps] [gagging] She’s like, “What the fuck is that?” I’m like, “That is a blowjob.” [crowd cheering] [whooping] She’s like, “Who does it like that?” I go, “Champions, that’s who. That woman’s there for the love of the game, not the paycheck. You’ve got to understand something, LeeAnn. All women are different. You say, ‘Tomato,’ she says, ‘Toma…'” [gagging] She’s like, “They don’t make regular porn?” I go, “What’s regular porn?” She’s like, “The stuff we do.” I go, “You mean a bloopers reel? No.” There’s not a porn out there where the woman’s giving a blowjob, stops and goes, “Are our sprinklers on? Yeah, I hear that. They’re on, aren’t they?” She won’t even fuck me if I’m sick. If I’m getting sick, off the table. I will definitely have sex with her when she’s sick. I did it Tuesday. [laughs] I’m getting ready to fly to Cleveland. I go, “Hey, we should bang one out, put one in the books, you know?” She’s like, “Oh, I’m getting sick.” I was like, “I don’t care.” She’s like, “I don’t wanna get you sick.” I was like, “We’ll practice safe sex.” She’s like, “You are gonna wear a condom?” I was like, “No. [laughing] Doggy style, so you cough into the wall.” [mouthing] [laughs] “You got a cold, woman, not AIDS. Spin around, Doc Holliday, let’s hit this shit!” There is no better feeling than a woman coughing during sex. Am I right, guys? [crowd] Whoo! When it first happens, it catches you off guard. You’re like, “Whoa, bear down, cowgirl. You’re not getting bucked off this bronco. Not with that grip strength. Holy Chasing Amy Chinese Finger Cuffs! Remind me to use that thing when we’ve got to open a jar.” How great would it be… How great… [laughs] How great would it be… How great would it be if our dicks got bigger when we coughed? I’d be fucking my wife with a kitten and a handful of pollen. Just… [grunting] “‘I got a small dick.” So I bought a gun. Now… [crowd laughing, cheering] Whoa. I would hold your applause until you hear the joke. You may not want to applaud at the end. [laughs] No one’s gonna like this joke. If you’re for guns, you’re gonna hate it. And if you’re against guns, you’re gonna really fucking hate it. I bought a gun ’cause… I didn’t know we even sold guns in LA. I was driving down the street. I saw a gun store. I was like, “Shut the fuck up.” I flipped a bitch. I walked in, I was like, “Hey. Can I buy a gun from you guys?” They’re behind the counter, like, “That’s exactly what we do.” They’re like, “What do you need a gun for, friend?” I was like, “I don’t know. Respect?” “You’re in the right place. You need a Glock. Come on in.” Holy shit. I have never had more fun with another man on a Monday… than I did with this guy when he walked me through all the upgrades you could get on a Glock. He says, “Gotta get rid of the scope. The scope they give you sucks dick. -You need a scope that glows in the dark.” -I was like, “Yeah, I’m gonna be shooting a lot of shit in the dark.” He’s like, “Want a flashlight on your gun?” I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I want a flashlight on my gun. I want to know what I’m shooting. What am I, a cop?” Then he said… Oh. Are we still cheering, buddy? Sorry. [laughing] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Don’t worry. The boat swings back this way now. I am not a responsible gun owner. I’ll tell you that right now. My two favorite things to do with my gun are drink with my gun… and point it at people. [laughing] Dude, there is no better feeling in the world than coming home to your house, 2:00 in the morning, lights out, kids asleep… pouring yourself a whiskey… grabbing your Glock… taking your trousers off… and running the perimeter of your house… naked, loaded and loaded. Just… Dog’s walking next to you like, “I wish a motherfucker would.” How great would it be if that’s when someone broke into your house? They climb through the window, and first thing they see, whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. [laughing] “We’ve been waiting for you. Tonight’s gonna get a little weird. I’m not gonna lie to you. Am I right?” Here’s my biggest problem. My biggest problem I’ve had is there’s a gun attached to my flashlight. Whenever you need a flashlight, everyone’s like, “Quick, where’s the flashlight?” You’re like, “Oh… I know where one is.” Now you’re the dad in the thunderstorm. “Is everyone in the living room?” Camping with your family. “Who wants to hear a scary story, huh?” Taking the trash out in the middle of the night, just waving it down the alley. Dude, I took the trash out one night, right? Gun, unloaded. I should have said that at the beginning. I’ve never put bullets in my gun. Sorry. It’s a very different story. I tried when I got it, but then it hurt my thumb. So I was like, “Oh, fuck it.” And then I lost the little sleeve thing with the bullets in it. I don’t even know where that is. I lost my gun one time. Do you know how scary that is? Walking into your living room like… “Hey… has anybody seen Dad’s… Mmm… You know what? Never mind, never mind.” “What is it, Dad?” I was like, “You’ll know when you see it. You’ll be like, ‘Oh, that’s what Dad was looking for.’ Just get me. Don’t tell Mom. Come get me. And I’ll be like, ‘Oh, okay, $100.’ If you find what I’m looking for, $100.” So I’m taking the trash out one night, right? Gun unloaded, flashlight on. Very confident. I drop off the trash, I’m coming back into my house, gun unloaded, very confident, point it into my living room. Unbeknownst to me, my wife had let our bullmastiff out to take a shit. Yeah, we have a 140-pound bullmastiff. I did not know that. I just heard a noise by the garage. Swing my flashlight around to investigate. Lights up my dog shitting which looks a lot like a werewolf in transition. It scared me. I pulled the fucking trigger! You should have seen the dog. She was like, “Motherfucker! Is there someone behind me?” This dog sucks dick. She does. Biggest mistake, man. I bought a purebred bullmastiff. Purebred. Pure… Well, purebred. Champion bloodlines on the mom’s side. Champion bloodlines on the dad’s side. Purebred, top dollar. Five knee surgeries. [crowd groans] Yeah. Only has four legs. Five… Yeah. It doesn’t have a jump shot, can’t hit a curve ball. No scholarship. On the second knee surgery, I said to the vet, “What are we gonna do about this dog?” He goes, “You want to just put her down?” I was like, “No, this is my dog.” He goes, “There’s gonna be a lot more knee surgeries.” I go, “Why?” And he goes, “You bought a purebred.” I was like, “They’re the best.” He’s like, “No, they’re not.” He says, “Idiots like you want to know what your dog’s gonna look like. So you buy a purebred. But what you don’t know is, in order to keep that breed pure, they’ve been breeding the same bloodlines for centuries, and now what’s happened is they’ve overbreeded those bloodlines. And that is why you’re getting dogs with weak-ass constitutions and birth defects. All an attempt to keep them pure.” I was literally in his office like, “So you’re telling me right now… Hitler was totally wrong.” [crowd laughing] [cheering] [laughs] If Germany had won that war, blonde chicks would be walking around with hip dysplasia, just… Big tits, but just… [in German accent] “Da… [snorts] This is how I breathe when I sleep, huh?” [snorts] We got a rescue dog. Also, we got a rescue cat. Big mistake. The rescue dog, we got from East LA. Apparently, some Mexican gangbangers had spray-painted her to look like a Raiders helmet. And that’s when we took over, only to find out very quickly, A, the dog doesn’t speak English. Didn’t know that was a thing. Yeah. And, B, hates Mexicans. If you think Trump has a distaste for them… this dog fucking hates them. Just… She sees a Mexican, she’s like… [barking furiously] I’m on the other end of the leash like, “Hey, what’s up, homeboy?” Like, “Yo, what’s up with your fucking dog, homes?” “Well, she hates Mexicans.” “That’s fucked up, homey.” “Well, you tell her. I can’t.” [crowd laughing] “No, you got to beat that shit out of her.” [laughs] “I think that’s why she hates Mexicans.” Then we got a rescue cat. If you’re thinking about rescuing a cat, don’t. Yeah, rescuing a cat’s like rescuing a hobo. They’ve seen some shit in the streets. It’s not getting out of their DNA anytime soon. This cat’s favorite thing to do is catch rats outside, bring them into our house and let them go. First day we got this cat, I put in a cat-door so it could run away. It didn’t. Apparently, it stuck its head out of the cat-door in the afternoon and was like, “Hey, there’s a new motherfucker in town. And if you want to fight me, meet me in my living room at 2:00 a.m. Two neighborhood cats enter our house… and fight our cat in our living room in the middle of the fucking night. My bitch-ass dogs are like, “Lock the doors!” Apurate, apurate, apurate, apurate! All right, back to my guns. Now… I go to pick up my guns. I got two guns. I got a shotgun too, but I broke it first day. Yeah, I thought I got one that goes… [imitates gun cocking] But he sold me the one that went… [weakly] “Hey.” So I go to pick up my guns, and my arms dealer tells me, “Hey, man…” He goes, “I can’t give you your guns.” I said, “Why not?” He goes, “None of your paperwork checks out.” I go, “What do you mean?” He goes, “All the bills are in your wife’s name. You car’s in your company’s name. I can’t give you your guns.” I started laughing hysterically. Because all I thought to myself was, “Our system works?” Like, how great is it that our system works? I looked at him, laughing hysterically. I was like, “Dude, I feel safer knowing I can’t get a gun… than if you gave me two guns. I’m so happy to know our system works.” He looks at me dead serious and goes, “Oh, you’re getting your fucking guns.” I was like, “I don’t feel so good about this anymore, Kevin.” He’s like, “We have a workaround.” This is what he did. Called my wife on the phone, said, “Ma’am, I want you to print out a blank lease. Then fill it out, saying you rent a room in your house to your husband. Fax it into me. I get it, I’ll give him his guns.” My wife was cackling on the other end of the phone. “Sorry, we’re at full occupancy, Kevin.” She sends it in. I get my guns. I love my guns. I do love my guns. I’m the kind of idiot… I don’t know if you’re like me, where you see a gun in a movie, and I call up my arms dealer immediately. I was like, “Yo, Matrix. Agent Smith. What gun is that?” He’s like, “Desert Eagle, 50 caliber.” I go, “Sign me up!” He’s like, “I can’t do a 50 caliber in California. I’ll get you a 40 caliber. I’ll do a workaround in the office. I’ll get you what you need.” He’s like, “You can get a long gun too. What long gun do you want?” I go, “Well, I need a shotgun.” He’s like, “I just sold you a shotgun.” I go, “Yeah, you sold me the circumcised one. I want the uncircumcised one where you can pull the hood back.” Just… [imitates gun cocking] He’s like, “You don’t want another shotgun. You want an AR-15.” I was like, “Whoa, slow down, brother. I might not be the right guy for an AR-15. I lost my Glock for nine days.” All my wife heard was “AR-15” and comes marching in the kitchen. “Is that motherfucker trying to upsell you on an AR-15?” I’m like, “Bitch, men are talking.” She’s like, “Did you tell him you took your Glock in the shower?” I’m like, “Woman!” I go, “Kevin… I’m not gonna be a part of the problem in this country. I’m gonna be a part of the solution. I’m not getting another one of these killing machines, putting it out into the population and losing it for nine days and some kid finding it. All I want is my Desert Eagle 50 caliber. And a… [imitates gun cocking] …shotgun.” My wife’s next to me. She goes, “That’s the man I married.” Kevin’s on the other end of the phone. He goes, “Am I on speaker right now?” I said, “No,” and he goes, “All right, cool. I’ll have the AR-15 waiting for you.” I said, “Bro. I really don’t want the gun.” He goes, “Give me ten seconds and listen to me. Bert, in the event of an apocalypse–” I’m like, “I’m still listening.” He’s like, “This is the best gun to defend you and your family.” I couldn’t even help myself. I was like, “Can I get the one with the bump stock on it?” My wife heard me say that… and canceled my fucking lease. I had to show my kids my gun. Yeah, I brought them into the bedroom. I was like, “Dad’s got guns. Can’t talk shit to me anymore.” These two window-licking ninnies… [laughs] …they had two different reactions. Georgia, my oldest, was just appalled. She was like, “I can’t believe you’d buy guns with what’s going on in our country. At that moment, that’s when you go out and buy guns?” And I was like, “Yeah. And you go to your fucking room.” Shh. Get, get, get, get, get. Ila’s just staring at it. She goes, “Can I touch it?” I was like, “Yeah, pick it up.” She’s like, “Is it loaded?” I go, “I don’t know. Point it at the bed, pull the trigger, find out.” She’s like, “It’s so heavy.” I go, “Put it in your other hand. It feels like someone else is holding it. There you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hold it with both hands and point it at the cat. Watch. Turn the laser on. It’s like the cat wants to die. He’s like, ‘Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!'” I’m a bad parent. Even when I try, I fail. My kids went and saw Black Panther with a bunch of friends. All the parents stayed at home, sent the kids to the movie theater. They come back. We’re all drunk. They’re so excited. “It was the greatest movie ever.” All the parents were like, “Tell us about it, tell us about it.” I got a little bit of a buzz… [laughs] …and all I said was, “Were there are a lot of black people there?” All the parents were like, “Whoa, what the fuck?” And I’m like, “What? It’s a big moment in black cinema. Did you see black people? Like… did you hear them? Or what was the movie like? Was it loud?” All the parents were like, “Bert…” Even my wife’s like, “Stop talking.” Luckily, my kids stepped up, and they’re like, “Dad, we don’t actually look for that kind of thing. So we couldn’t give you an answer.” Everyone’s like, “Well, at least he raised good kids.” A few months later… we’re at Avengers: Infinity War. Houselights drop, trailers start, spread out the popcorn. My youngest daughter, Ila, is sitting next to me, reaches over to my popcorn, leans over to my ear and goes, “12.” I go, “12 what, Ila?” She goes, “You know.” I go, “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She leans in closer and goes, “Wakanda.” [laughs] Oh. I feel like I’m a better parent when I’m not there. Like, when something happens for my family, if I’m gone, it’s so much better. My daughters got their periods. Ooh, that was a pause, huh? The guys on the top row are like, “I’m gonna go get another beer real quick.” My daughters got their periods. Georgia got hers first. She’s the oldest. That’s how that works. I wasn’t there. Thank God, ’cause I would have fucked that up royally. I’d have been like, “You go to the river and do laundry for a week. You’re dirty. Go on, get. Go on, get.” Georgia, just to paint the picture, is a simple moron. Like a very… goodhearted, Christian moron. Just doesn’t know what she’s saying. We were playing… We were playing Scattergories one time. Where you roll the dice, letter comes up, fill out all the categories. Me, Georgia and Ila. We roll the letter “N.” I look at Ila. First one is US states. I go, “Ila, what did you put for US states that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “I couldn’t think of one.” I go, “You’re in eighth grade. You couldn’t think of one state that started with ‘N’?” She goes, “No. Could you?” I go, “Yeah, Nevada.” She goes, “Never heard of it.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put?” She goes, “New Hampshire.” I was like… “Ila, is that a state? I thought that was a providence.” Next one, street names. I go, “Ila, what’d you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “Nebraska.” I’m like, “Bitch! That’s what I put.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” And she goes, “Um, I think I did this wrong.” I go, “What did you put for street names that start with the letter ‘N,’ Georgia?” She goes, “I don’t want to tell you guys. I think… I think I’m gonna keep it to myself.” I’m like, “Now you’re definitely fucking telling us.” She goes, “I wrote, ‘Notorious B.I.G.’ Wasn’t that his street name?” I’m like, “You beautiful fucking idiot. Yes, it was.” She got her period… on a Saturday night, in middle of the night. Woke up Sunday morning, bleeding, freaking out. Crack of dawn. I was on the road, thank God. Walked into our bedroom. Woke up my wife, five in the morning, bleeding and crying. Her exact words were, “Mommy, I’m not ready to be a big girl today.” [crowd] Aw. It breaks your heart. It really does. My wife is a fucking gangster. I joke a lot about her. She’s a bad motherfucker. Dude, she scooped her up, took her out to the living room, put her down on the couch, put some towels down, I hope. Went out, got doughnuts, came home, started season one, episode one of Downton Abbey. And that became their show. That was Georgia’s entrance into womanhood. That’s how they bonded. I came home, I didn’t even know anything had happened. I was drunk, obviously. We had just put our new pool in. So I go, and I grab Ila. I take her outside. I throw her in the pool. I grabbed Georgia. You already know it, don’t you? The second I grab her, she goes, “Get your hands off me!” I’m like, “Whoa. You do not talk to your father like that.” Ila pops up out of the pool. “Dad, we got a bleeder!” [mouthing] Georgia starts crying immediately. LeeAnn yells at me. I end up in the pool with Ila, drinking a double Tito’s and soda. Getting the full rundown. Ila’s like, “Dad, I followed the tracks into Mom’s room.” I go, “You followed tracks?” She goes, “Like a hunter, Dad.” Looks at me dead in the face and goes, “Hey, Dad, I promise you right now, I’ll never get my period.” I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. I’ll always be your best little buddy.” [crowd] Aw. [laughing] I know. I almost started crying in the pool because I was like, “How stupid is she?” I’ll tell you how stupid she is. I’ll tell you exactly how stupid she is. If you spend too much time with her, you start getting stupid. Does that make sense? We took a family trip this summer. [laughs] First morning, we all sit down for breakfast. Ila shows up five minutes late. Sits at the table, looks at me and goes, “Hey, big boy. What did you think about those dreams last night, huh?” Now we’re all looking at each other going, “She thinks we have the same dreams?” She’s 12. For 12 years… she thought we all got the same dreams… programmed every night. That everyone got the same set. Like it’s must-see TV. But then I’m sitting across from her going, “I had two dreams about this kid last night. What if she cracked the code?” I lean across the table. I go, “Hey, did you dream that I was locked in a trunk?” My wife goes, “What the fuck are you doing? We don’t have the same dreams.” Ila kicks me under the table. She goes, “I’ll talk to you after breakfast.” That afternoon, we’re going snorkeling, right? We’re out on the boat. And I’m watching Ila look off the side of the boat at the horizon. It looks beautiful. Great moment as a parent to say, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” Your kid turns around. Dream scenario, “Hey, Dad… thanks.” I go, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” She turns around and goes, “We should get tattoos.” I go, “We’re not getting tattoos.” She goes, “No, Dad, think about it. If we all got the same one, we’d never regret it.” I go, “You’re 12, Ila. What tattoo would you want?” She goes, “What’s it called when you cover your arm?” I go, “You want a fucking sleeve? You’re gonna be the only eighth grader walking into homeroom like it’s a jujitsu tournament. What do you want sleeved on your arm, Ila?” She goes, “A wolf. Yeah, Dad. His head would start up here, his body would come by my elbow, and his tail would come down to my fingertip. That way you’d know if I was happy ’cause I’d be wagging my finger.” I’m like, “Turn this boat around. We’re getting tattoos.” There was a period of time… where LeeAnn and I would take Ila’s tests from school outside and read her answers aloud to each other… in astonishment at the human being we had created. She took a test in proverbs one time. Very simple. Proverbs. They gave her the first part, she had to fill out the second part. Very simple. “The grass is always greener…” [crowd] On the other side. “…when you water it,” is what she put. [crowd laughing] “Don’t bite the hand…” [crowd] That feeds you. “…that’s brown.” “Children should be seen and not…” -[crowd] Heard. -“…touched.” This is the child… This is the child in chest-deep water in the pool, staring me in the eyes, going, “I’ll never get my period, I promise.” Then a year and a half later, on a Friday… Now, it’s important I tell you it’s a Friday ’cause, on Fridays, LeeAnn, my wife, goes to therapy and her chiropractor, so she is incommunicado all day. I’m at home, phone rings. It’s a school nurse. She goes, “I have Ila in the office. Is there a parent at home?” I was like, “I’ll do.” Gives the phone to Ila. Her first words, “I tried to stop it, Dad.” I go, “Stop what?” She goes, “I got my period.” I’m like, “Bitch, you promised.” I’m like, “You called the wrong number, dickhead. Call your mom.” She’s like, “Dad, I need you right now.” Immediately, as a parent, I’m melting down because I’m like, “She’s freaking out at school. She’s by herself. She’s going through what Georgia went through. This isn’t my skill set.” But I got this. I go, “Okay, baby. All right. Okay. How’d you get it?” She was like, “Dad, I was playing kickball.” Immediately, I’m like, “Oh, poor kid, probably thought she blew out her pussy.” Just… [whooshing] “Oh, shit! Oh, I’m out, Coach. I’m out. Yeah. I tore my twat. It’s bad. I blew out my cooch, Coach. I’m gonna have to sit this one out. Pinch runner! Pinch runner!” [laughs] Now I’m spiraling. I’m like, “What do you need from me? New pants, new panties, new socks? Did it get in your socks? A bucket, some towels, garlic. We gotta keep vampires away from you.” She’s like, “Dad, I’m fine. Mom gave me a go-bag.” I go, “Then what are you calling me for?” She goes, “I need you to go to the store and get supplies.” I’m like, “How bad is this period?” She’s like, “No, Dad. I’m throwing myself a period party tonight.” I’m like, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?” She’s like, “All the girls are doing it, Dad. I need you to go to the store and get supplies. Get a red velvet cake.” I’m like… [gagging] [continues gagging] I go, “Baby, I don’t think I can eat a red velvet cake… knowing what it symbolizes.” She’s like, “Dad, you need a red velvet cake for a period party ’cause you put the name of your period on the cake.” I’m like… “Who names their period?” She’s like, “Georgia named hers after the girl from Progressive auto insurance.” She’s like, “Dad, please. I need you right now. I have ten people coming tonight.” I go, “We have ten little girls coming to the house?” She goes, “No, eight girls, two boys.” I’m like, “Who invites boys to a period party?” And I hear her sinister little giggle on the phone, and she goes, “Dad, that’s the fun of it. We don’t tell them why they’re there.” Now I’m like, “Fuck it, I’m in.” I have never had more fun at a party in my entire life. Planning, hosting and attending a period party. I dressed all in red, like it was Chinese New Year’s. Drinking pinot noir. I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce. And I giggled the whole night with all these little girls at these two boys, Max and Carter, faces covered in red cake. Like it’s their honeymoon, and they’re like, “Fuck it, I’ll eat it anyway.” The whole party, these two boys are looking at the cake, going, “Who the hell’s Jason?” My daughter, Ila Kreischer… named her period Jason… because she got it on Friday the 13th. I pray this child doesn’t find marijuana. My dad just found marijuana. Seventy years old. Started eating it every night. Twenty milligrams, my mom says. Dad’s eating… That’s what I said, like, “That’s a lot.” I go, “Are there any side effects?” She goes, “Other than the fact that he calls me ‘bro’ a lot, no.” We go down to Tampa, spend some time with my parents. We’re out on their dock. My whole family. My dad, my mom. You can tell when my dad’s weed kicks in ’cause he starts humming Jimmy Buffett songs. All of a sudden, he just pops up, turns around to us, and he goes, “Who wants to talk to an owl tonight, huh?” I look at my mom. I go, “How much weed is Harry Potter eating?” My mom’s like, “No, he talks to an owl every night. Show him, Albert.” My dad just gets on the edge of the dock and goes… [hoots] My idiot kids were like, “Papa, should we hoot too?” He’s like, “Yeah, come on, girls, we’ll all hoot. Here we go!” [hoots] Now the three of them are on the edge of the dock, like three Crips, letting them know cops were in the neighborhood. [hooting] Five minutes goes by. Five minutes! We don’t hear a sound. I look at my dad. I go, “Dad, maybe we should sit down. I don’t think your owl’s out tonight.” He’s like, “Yeah, that’s crazy. He’s always out. Don’t worry. We’ll try again tomorrow, girls.” Pour a glass of wine. Thirty seconds later, clear as a bell, all of us hear… [hoots] I get chill bumps. I look at my dad, and I go, “Dad, it’s your owl.” He’s like, “I told you, bro.” He’s like, “I’ll get him going. And once I get him going, we can all talk to him, all right?” [hoots] And right on top of it, we hear… [low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] My oldest daughter goes, “Dad–” I go, “Shut the fuck up. We’re talking to an owl.” She goes, “Dad–” I go, “Wait your turn, bitch. I’m next.” She goes, “Dad, look across the lake at the old man on his dock!” Sure as shit, there’s another drunk, blind, old white man, just… [hooting] These two are like Ric Flair in a cave. Just… [continues hooting] I’m scared of marijuana. Like, healthily scared of marijuana. ‘Cause I’ve had those bad times where you get way too high, and you think you’re gonna die. Your face gets cold. Your heart starts racing. You can feel sawdust going down your throat. Dude, highest I’ve ever been, highest I’ve ever been, traffic school. Yeah. One hit of a blunt. I took one hit. That’s it. Black guy, sitting outside traffic school, smoking a blunt, nods me over. I’m thinking, “I think it’s racist if I say no.” I take one hit of his blunt, I’m higher than I’ve ever been. Now, for those of you who don’t know much about marijuana, let me make this very clear. A blunt is different than a joint, okay? A joint is like a blowjob at camp. Fun, light. “Hey, I’ll see you next year. Send you a postcard.” “All right!” A blunt is like a blowjob in prison. You’re like, “Wow, this is a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It’s brown, and it hurts my throat.” One hit off this blunt, one hit, and I’m so high, panic sets in. I was so scared, I walked into traffic school holding onto the black guy’s shirt like… We walk in, he sits down. Middle row, second seat. I sit directly in front of him. Middle row, front seat. We smell like two of Snoop Dogg’s fingers. Our teacher walks in, has a completely atrophied right arm. Immediately, I’m thinking, “I wish I had known about that… before I got this high.” [laughs] Now I’m staring at it. I can’t even help it. I’m just tracking it, like… He sees me looking at it and goes, “All right, let’s get this off the table. Who notices something different about me?” He didn’t even finish his sentence before my hand was in the air. “Hey, right here.” As soon as it goes up, I realize I’m the only one with their hand in the air, and everyone else is looking at me like, “You’re gonna say it?” And now I’m drawing a blank, going, “What’s it called?” And he’s like, “Well, what is it?” I’m like, “Ah… Uh… huh…” I’m stalling so long that the black guy taps me on the back and goes, “Psst, it’s his arm.” And that is when marijuana performed a miracle on me. Marijuana said, “Bert, start talking. We’ll fill in the words.” I was like, “I kind of want to know them first.” Marijuana was like, “That’s not how it works, big guy. I’m gonna toss them into your mouth, and you hit them out of the park with your tongue.” So I said to this guy… Highest I’ve ever been in my life, 8:15 in the morning in Burbank in a middle school. “I don’t know if I’m the only one that sees this… but from where I’m sitting… from my perspective… it seems to me that one of your arms… is fucking humongous.” [laughs] This guy laughed so hard his baby arm goes rodeo on him. The black guy’s dying laughing, and he goes, “How do you think that happened?” The black guy goes, “Hammer curls.” I’m trying to cut back on weed. You’re not supposed -to smoke weed around your– -[man shouts] -Do you smoke weed, sir? -[man] Yes. [laughing] [laughs] That was… I want to hear this guy fuck. “Soft. Suck tits. Yes. Happening.” God, I love that fucking answer. [laughs] We’re good. [laughs] I can’t smoke it around my kids. Says my wife. [laughs] I had to watch my girls for nine days by myself. [laughs] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. You ever watch your kids by yourself for an extended period of time… and then, two days in, you start really clearly seeing both sides of the abortion debate? You’re like, “Well…” “I think you should be able to kill them up to ninth grade. Put them in the tub.” [plopping] My wife sat the whole family down at the kitchen table. She goes, “All right, I’m going to Vietnam for nine days, okay, with my best friend, Sandy.” The girls start unraveling immediately. Georgia’s like, “Who are we staying with?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching us?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching Dad?” My wife’s like, “Listen, I’ve made a very detailed list. If your father follows this list to a T, it’ll be like I never left.” Georgia goes, “He won’t last 24 hours, Mom.” Boy, I should have taken the under on that. This list was so aggressive. “Wake up, 5:45 a.m.” I’m like, “What crops are we harvesting?” “Make the girls breakfast. Georgia likes avocado toast. Ila likes bone broth.” I’m like, “Oh, cool. [laughs] I’m living with Gwyneth Paltrow and a cage fighter.” “Breakfast should be over by 6:00 a.m. Send the girls to their room to get dressed. Check on Ila, 6:05. She’ll be asleep in her closet. 6:15, tell Ila she has to start shitting. 6:45, tell Ila to stop shitting. 6:50, out the door. Drop off the girls, seven o’clock.” The first day, I woke up at 7:15. Just in the weeds. You know, when all the pleasantries of parenting are out the door. You’re like, “Get the fuck out of bed! Get the fuck out of bed! Welcome to Thunderdome, bitches!” They’re like, “What’s for breakfast?” I’m like, “We’re intermittent fasting today, ladies. Let’s go! Make your own lunch boxes. I’m making coffee. We got to do this shit.” They’re like, “Maybe we shouldn’t even go to school, we’re so late.” I’m like, “You’re not staying with me. Get the fuck out the door.” They make their own lunch boxes. Get them out the door so late. You ever take your kids to school so late there’s no traffic? Halfway there, you’re like, “Fuck it. Who wants to go to a water park?” They make their own lunch boxes. Drop them off. Come home, take a Xanax, sleep the day away. Yeah, ’cause I’m a housewife. Wake up, pick them up from school. Take them out to dinner that night. And at dinner that night, into my second glass of wine… realize I’m the only one that can drive. Georgia sees this realization on my face and goes, “Hey, big boy… how you think you’re doing on your first day, huh?” I’m like, “I think we’ve had some hiccups, but… all in all, I would say today’s a victory. What do you think, George?” She goes, “Really?” She goes, “Why don’t you ask your youngest daughter what she had for lunch today?” I look at Ila. And I go, “Hey, Ila, what did you have for lunch today?” She just looks at me and goes, “A bag of rice.” I go, “And?” And she goes, “A bag of rice.” Georgia’s like, “Dad, she packed a lunch like she was working on the railroads. She didn’t even bring a fork, Dad.” I go, “You didn’t bring a fork? Baby, didn’t you feel like your lunch was missing something?” She goes, “Yeah. Soy sauce.” This idiot grabbed a microwaveable Uncle Ben’s bag of rice… threw it in the microwave for two extra minutes so it would be hot at lunch. Threw it in her backpack. No lunch box. It exploded in her backpack. She ate it out of her backpack with her hand like a fucking orangutan. “My mom’s in ‘Nam.” We Uber home that night. Get home, check my list. “Girls should be showered and in bed by 7:30.” It is ten o’clock. I am wasted. And they’re drinking Diet Cokes. Now I start unraveling. I’m like, “Goddamn it, girls, we’re running late. Go in the bathroom, take a couple of whore’s baths and get in bed.” Georgia goes, “What did you just say?” “A whore’s bath, Georgia. Take a whore’s bath and get in bed.” “I don’t even know what that is, Dad.” I go, “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, let’s go.” “What did you say?” “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, ladies. Let’s go!” Ila’s standing next to Georgia. She goes, “Dad, how do you get rid of ringworm?” I’m like, “Motherfucker! How did you get ringworm in one day? Georgia, stay away from dirt-dirt over there.” She got fucking ringworm. “Don’t touch anyone with that arm. You are highly contagious.” She hears that, takes her arm and rushes me like I hit her with a pitch. “Now you’ve got ringworm!” I go, “You put it on my face, asshole!” Georgia’s making her way out of the living room, real coy, and I go, “No. Blood in, blood out, motherfucker. Get her, Ila.” We grab Georgia, hold her down, give her ringworm. She’s crying. We’re laughing. Send them to bed, no bath. That’s the best part of the day right there. Kids in bed. I am done. Yeah. Pour myself a drink. Get in my recliner. Whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. Turn on Dr. Pimple Popper. Yeah. Phone rings. LeeAnn. Hard pass. I am not defending this shit-show of a day… this drunk. I am drunk. You’re not allowed to be drunk. That’s the first thing on the list. “Dad can’t use drugs or alcohol for nine days.” For nine days! She wants me to go to sleep every night like a fucking Mormon. Just… “Well, that was a great day. That’s it for me. Looks like I’m done thinking.” Nine days with these kids, and she wants me to raw dog it like a settler? Phone rings again. LeeAnn. Hard pass. Home phone rings. I go, “What is this, 1982? Who’s answering that?” Stops ringing. Kill my drink. Make another drink. Start to fade away. You know that feeling where your brain starts going crazy like, “Oh, okay, here we go.” I hear the girls’ door open. I’m like, “Shit.” Ila comes out over my shoulder, and she goes, “Hey, big boy. Think you could use a little company?” Nope. I go, “Go back in your room.” She goes, “I can’t sleep. I thought I’d hang out and watch TV with you.” I go, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Just ’cause Mom’s not here doesn’t mean there’s no rules.” She goes, “But I can’t sleep.” I go, “You haven’t even tried to sleep.” She goes, “No, I did try. I can’t sleep. Georgia’s on the phone with Mom.” I’m like… “What did you just say?” She goes, “Georgia’s on the phone with Mom. Is that a bad thing?” I go, “Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. Did we just hold her down and give her fucking ringworm? Let me explain it to you this way, idiot. Right now the snitch is talking to the bitch, and we are fucked!” Georgia comes marching out of her bedroom, phone in hand. “No, Mom. ‘Pits and pussies.’ That’s what he said. Hold on, he’s drinking. Here you go, Dad.” I grab the phone, put it to my ear. All I hear is, “A bag of fucking rice?” Cleveland! [crowd cheering] Thank you! Thank you! You will never know how much I appreciate every single one of you here tonight. [electronic music playing] Thank you for pacing yourself, drinking today. Thank you for showing up late for work tomorrow. Thank you, Cleveland, for one of the greatest shows I’ve ever had in my life. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! [cheering continues] [man hooting] [continues hooting] [woman] I’d die laughing if I heard back, “Me! Me!” [laughs] You jerk. You heard it. [woman] I did hear a “hoo.” Do you hear a person laughing on the dock over there? [laughing] [man] You jerk. That was an owl, you jerk. [laughs]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tom Segura: Ball Hog (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-ball-hog-transcript/

[crowd cheering, applauding] [whistling] [whooping] How you doing? No shit. Thank you, thank you. How you guys doing? All right. Thank you very much. It’s great to be in Austin, Texas. Um… [crowd cheers] Yeah. When I do the road, I leave a wife and two small kids, and, uh, she’s… she’s pretty attached, you know. Um… [crowd laughing] She cries when I leave. [laughs] Like… [crowd laughing] …all the time. Yeah, she does. I leave, and she’s like… [tearfully] “It’s gonna be hard when you’re gone.” And then I have to do, like, an acting exercise, and I’m like… [tearfully] “It’s gonna be hard for me, too.” You know? It’s not hard. [laughs] It’s fun. I just did it backstage on the phone, like five minutes ago. She’s like… [tearfully] “I’m all alone at the house.” And I was like… [tearfully] “I’m all alone out here.” You know? No, I’m not. Yeah. She’s great. She’s great. I love her. I love the kids more, but I do love her. Well, it’s a different love, you know? Like, I don’t want to fuck the kids. So there’s a start. “That’s good, Tom.” So… It is beyond your capacity to explain how much you end up loving your kids. It is. And, like, now I’m on that side of it, so I get to be amused by people who don’t have kids who swear that they get it. That’s my favorite. Like, to hang out with a friend who doesn’t have any kids, and he’s like, “Yeah, man, I see that you love your kids. I totally know what you’re feeling because… I love my dog.” And I’m like, “Yeah.” No. I’m not diminishing pet love. Pet love is real. [woman] Yes! Absolutely. I’ve had pets my entire life. It’s the best. I’ve rescued animals. I encourage you to do it. I have a dog that I adore. But here is the difference between my love for that dog and my kids. If that dog were to hurt one of my kids, immediately and without question… I would drown that dog, right? And I mean, through yelps like… [yelping] I’d go… [grunts] Like that. And then I would give it to my son. I’d be like, “Remember when that hurt you? I killed it.” He’d be like, “What the fuck… am I supposed to do with this dead dog?” And I’d go, “I don’t know. Maybe learn to stand up for yourself so I don’t have to do shit like that, all right?” I know. It’s a very divisive joke. It has been… the entire tour. Um… I think it sets up the audience into two camps, you know? People who are like, “Don’t do the yelp.” [yelps] “It makes it real.” Then other people who are like, “Do the yelp. That’s my favorite shit, man.” And… you know who you are. Yeah. Dude, having kids makes you do crazy shit. I’m not even proud of some of the things I’ve done, all right? Last year was the first time I ever had somebody bully one of my kids. I didn’t respond well. This is what… I took my older son to a park. He was two and a half. The cutest little fucking kid. And he walks into the park, and he walks up to a playground set. And, as he walks up to it, he steps on it, and an older kid… Meaning four. He goes, “You can’t play with that. That’s mine.” And I go, “I’ll kick your chest through your back.” And he goes, “What?” And I go, “I’ll stomp you out right now!” So he’s crying. I’m laughing. Everybody’s gathered around, right? You can’t do that. You can’t do anything to a shitty kid. You can curse a lot around them. Not to them. That’s an important distinction. Around them, and then you fantasize about them repeating it at home and getting in trouble, and that’s very satisfying, all right? But, you know, you gotta put rhythm to it, or they won’t remember, ’cause they’re just dumb fucking kids. So you’ve got to be like, ♪ Shit, piss, motherfucker Cunt, my balls ♪ ♪ Lick my dick, eat my ass ♪ And the kid’ll be like… “What’s that?” I’d be like, “Go tell your mom. That’s what that is.” As they walk by, you can get in one accidental hit. I’ve tried it, but it’s got to… As they’re passing, you know. Like that, and then they’ll be like… [tearfully] ♪ Shit, piss Motherfucker, cunt, my… ♪ You ever meet somebody, and they’re so boring, you feel like they poisoned you? Like… you’re talking to them, and you’re like, “I feel like I’m dying right now. And I think you did it.” This guy’s name is Craig. I met him… [laughs] I made sure to get it. I was like, “I’m gonna remember you for the rest of my life, man.” He– I met him at the bank. Is he a bank teller? No. Is he a security guard? Nope. What’s his job? I don’t know. Whatever they call that guy that stands in the lobby… of banks now. Where you walk in, and you’re like, “Do you work here?” And he’s like, “I think so.” That guy. The lobby liaison. Well, I saw him. We made eye contact. I don’t know how you work. For me, if we make eye contact… During the day. Not at night. But during the day… [laughs] …out of human decency, I acknowledge you. So that’s what I did. We made eye contact, and I go, “How you doing?” And he went… And I was like, “Okay, so…” Then I get to the second set of doors to walk in. And, as I reach for that door, I hear, uh, “You going to the bank?” I go, “Is this still a bank?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “I’d like to.” And he goes, “Go for it.” And I was like… “Okay. Thanks.” And then I reach back… and he goes, “I’m going to Virginia next week.” “Are you telling me that?” He goes, “You said, ‘How you doing?’ when you got here. I had to think about it. That’s what I’m doing.” I go, “That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard anybody say. And also not how that question works, but all right.” And now I reach back, and now he goes, “Yeah, my sister lives there,” and I’m like… “How long has she lived there?” Now I’m roped in. He goes, “Fifteen years.” And I go, “You’ve never been?” And he goes, “Uh-uh.” Now I’m starting to look at him like, “Hey, man, do you drive to work or… does somebody drop you off?” You know what I mean? I think he… [laughs] Yeah. I think he could see it in my face… because, out of nowhere, he goes, “I drive.” I was like, “That’s cool, man. That’s cool. I drive, too. That’s crazy. Uh… I gotta get in here.” He goes, “Yeah, we’re gonna check out DC, and we’re gonna see some monuments.” I go, “I would love to hear about it, but I have to make a deposit.” He goes, “I’ll be here when you walk out.” I go, “You motherfucker.” Fuck that guy. And fuck everybody like him. If you have the audacity to tell people how you’re doing when they say, “How you doing?” that shit is rude and selfish, all right? I’m serious. There are two acceptable answers to “How you doing?” “Fine” and “great.” And if you’re miserable, you say, “Fine.” You don’t burden people with your real-world problems during a courteous exchange. Yeah. It’s true. You know why? Because nobody wants to hear your problems. Your problems make my dick soft, and I am trying to stay hard out here. Now… You know who’s got a good system going on? Rodrigo Duterte, the president of the Philippines. [laughs] Yeah, well, if you’re not aware, the president of the Philippines is a super cool guy, and… he has a lot of fun ideas. [laughs] One of them is that he employs motorcycle murder squads… to go out and kill people on sight. No arrest, no trial. Who does he do it to? Drug dealers and suspected drug users. “Suspected.” Do you know how many tired people die every day in Manila? Isn’t that crazy to you? You can walk out of your house at five in the morning, like, “Oh, shit.” And then you hear… [revving] You’re like, “Oh. I’m up!” They roll up next to you, “You high?” You’re like, “I just got up.” They’re like, “Mm, you’re high.” Pow. Kill you. It’s horrific. It’s reprehensible. And I hope that we adopt it here. Not… Not for drug usage, obviously. I think we should reserve it for people who have public speakerphone conversations with their phones in front of their face like this. [crowd cheering] You know? Yeah. Who are these people just walking around, oblivious to the world around them? You’re waiting in line to buy a coffee, you have to hear a fascinating, two-way tale amplified. It’s always like… [in distorted voice] “Where were you last night? [gibbering] [continues gibbering] [retches] Slice their fucking throat, right in line. Kick the the body. “Can I have a coffee?” So… Too violent? I get it. So… You know whose balls I’d love to slam in a mailbox… for 20 minutes straight? Grown men who board 6:00 a.m. flights who have never seen clouds before. I don’t know… if… you’ve ever had the good fortune of boarding an early morning flight where there’s an unspoken agreement, “We’re gonna keep it nice and dark so we can rest along the journey.” But there’s always some TikTok in 16C… [crowd cheering] Yeah. One guy who’s sitting there, who’s like, “I’ve never seen a cloud like that. Oh! There’s another one right there.” “Are you fucking four? Shut the shade, tit-slap. We’re trying to get some rest.” And people who put stick figures and the names of their family members on the rear windshields of their car. They should be publicly executed… in their car so we can keep score on the window, you know. Isn’t that insane to you? Don’t you have any protective instincts? I mean, it’s crazy. You pull up at a random red light, and the car in front of you is like, “It’s funny that you didn’t ask, but… inside are Mommy and Daddy… and Brian and Marissa. And there’s a soccer ball next to Brian… because Brian loves soccer.” Oh. Does Brian love getting molested? Because… you put his name and favorite thing out there as bait to society. Are you out of your goddamn mind? Why don’t you put your home address and his daily schedule right fucking next to it? “Brian’s up at six, home at one, bath at seven. [giggles] Come over if you want to join us.” It’s not okay. [sighs] Guys… have you ever thought about how many times you may have slept with your significant other? You shouldn’t know the answer. So let me just start there. All right? If you do, that’s terrifying, and… we’d like you to leave. Yeah. If you’re sitting here like, “Finally, somebody asked. It’s 926!” There’s the exit. What I’m saying… I’m saying, as a concept, it is reasonable to assume, if you’ve been with somebody three years, you have a healthy thing going on, you may have slept together a few hundred times. Right? Right. Now, I want you to think about how many times your dad… has finished inside of your mom. So many times! [in Southern accent] “Tom, why would you say that?” Well, basically, I think all of our moms are a bunch of cum dumpsters, you know, but… Your mom more than my mom. Now… Ew, I know, it’s a tough image to get out of your head once I’ve planted it, right? You’re like, “Goddamn it, my mom’s dripping?” Probably, yeah. Soaking wet. Look… your mom has done some nasty shit. Let’s talk about it. [laughs] She really has. And, uh… Look, I’m here to defend her, all right? It is not her fault. It’s your dad’s fault, for sure. Your dad, with all due respect, is kind of a piece of shit. A little bit! And if you’re like, “Not my dad. He’s good…” Yeah, to you. He’s not always like that to your mom. If they’ve been together three decades, you don’t think he says some off-colored shit… every now and then? Of course he does. They’re laying in bed. Your dad’s tossing and turning. He can’t sleep. [grunting] And your poor mother, “Is everything all right, dear?” “It’s fine.” “Was supper good?” “Yeah. Shut up, I’m trying to sleep.” “Can I do anything to help?” “Yeah. You can lick my balls, all right?” You want to know something? Your poor mother, she does it, all right? She… Because she’s a ball hog. So your mom gets down there… [weeps] [weeps] And she goes, “I like my life.” [weeping] Oh, your mom. Now… Your grandma. Think about some of the things that she’s done. On the railroad tracks or wherever she used to fuck around. [laughs] El Paso. I don’t know. Uh… You’re like, “Why are you saying this stuff, Tom?” ‘Cause I’m having fun. [laughs] Because I enjoy upsetting people. [laughs] Yeah. I don’t know what it says about me psychologically, but there is… I don’t know, there’s, like, a marching band inside of me right now, going, “Good job, good job.” Yeah. ‘Cause, internally, I picture somebody out there going like, “I was having fun… until he talked about my slut mom.” And it makes me happy. I don’t know. It’ll upset somebody, and they’ll try to tell me. I say they’ll try to tell me ’cause they’ll send me a message that I’ll never read and… No, no, I used to. I used to read them all. And it took me a long time to figure out you shouldn’t read every message. I don’t think any performer should digest everything sent their way. And I didn’t know that for a long time, you know, and I wish I had known that ’cause it kind of gets to you, you know? The first time I actually got in trouble for saying something was about five years ago. I got in trouble for saying “Gypsy” on television. Yeah. I didn’t say anything nice about them, so let me… rephrase it. [laughs] I was just like… I was on a show. I was like, “Who doesn’t hate Gypsies?” And then… everybody on the show was like, “We’re with you,” but… afterwards, they found out. And they reached out. Like the president of the Gypsies… sent me a message. I guess she stole someone’s phone. So she sent me this message. [crowd laughing, applauding] We can tell who travels. So, uh… she sent me this message. She was like, “You said the G-word on tele–” I was like, “Huh? The G-word?” I’m a grown man. And this is over e-mail. She’s being a real B-word. And so… I didn’t want to push her, make her a C-word. You know what I mean? Where my N-words at? All right, well, look… Hey, man… it’s modern comedy, get with the program. Now… Then she went on. She goes, “Well, just so you know, we’re very proud of our ethnicity.” And I was like, “Yeah, you should be. I mean, you have nothing else. [laughs] I hope you’re good at camping.” [laughs] Hey, I was giving her a compliment. I was saying, “I enjoy your ethnic pride, because you’ve earned it.” And frankly, I don’t think everybody has. All right? Every group’s like, “We’re the best.” No, you’re not. It’s impossible for everybody to be the best. I’m serious. Every group, they’re like… [gibbering] No. I mean, just as an example, okay, just to, like, lay this out: How many people in the room, let’s say, are Italian for instance? -[crowd cheers] -Okay. Now, aren’t the rest of you a little sick of hearing from them? Like… Right? “Hey, we’re the best! Fucking pasta!” You’re like, “All right.” So… Pasta’s Chinese. Calm down. Now… Anyways, after that, I kept reading messages. Reading, reading, reading. And then a little while ago, I got, in one six-week period, 200,000 e-mails and messages just from the state of Louisiana, over jokes that I had told in a special. Now… if you don’t know, I had a joke in a previous special… -and… [crowd cheering] Yeah, it’s fine. It was a very silly joke. The joke essentially was I said, “You know what? We should build a wall in this country, but we should build it around that dumb fucking state.” That was my joke. Now… Look, I’m so dumb, I was like, “Everybody will like that joke.” No, they don’t. Not the people you made it about. I got so many misspelled death threats and, uh… I was like, “Is this Creole? What the hell are they trying to tell me?” I got asked about it so much, I was on the news about it… that I just volunteer it now, okay? So here’s the truth. I never would have shit on them as hard as I did if I had been to Arkansas, which I now have. What? What! What… a fucking dump that place is. I think, when people flush their toilets in Louisiana, it all comes up in Arkansas. It… It smells like broken dreams and buttholes and… a little bit of barbecue, but… Here’s what’s fascinating. Most of you will never experience this, but if you ever offend a large group of people, like, let’s say, an entire state… you end up learning a lot about them. You don’t want to. But they insist, so… Yeah. I know everything about Louisiana now. It’s the worst. I’m like an unofficial historian on the place I least want to go to. I mean, their state motto runs through my head like it’s the Dow Jones ticker, all day, every day. It’s, “Louisiana, where people smoke in their cars with their babies.” And… [mumbling] Arkansas’s is, “You done with that baby?” So… Hmm? “What are you gonna do with it?” “We’re gonna eat it. What do you mean? Sooey!” Now… I also got a lot of messages from the Down syndrome community. That was fun. Here’s the truth about that. People with Down syndrome write much more coherently than people from Louisiana. So… We were able to have a dialogue. [laughs] And I think I’ve grown and matured since then. I’m serious. I think I have. I think, for instance, right now, today, I think it is both lazy and antiquated to say, “Are you fucking R-worded?” R-E-T-A-R… You get it. And here’s why. I think, when I say that, what I’m trying to say is, “Are you an idiot? Are you an imbecile? Are you stupid?” And that is not the right word for that. The right word for that is “Cajun.” So that’s what I’m gonna start saying… from now on. So fuck you again. That’s my point. Now… [crowd cheering, whistling] Yeah. But I’ll tell you this. I want you to know something. I am not one of these comedians who goes, “I don’t understand why people ever get upset about anything.” [gibbering] Like the dumbest perspective you can have. I totally understand. I think you have a right to be offended by whatever offends you, and I think you have a right to express it. I do not think, however, that you have a right to expect anyone to do anything about it. -[crowd cheering] -Yeah. Just like if you express any of your other feelings. Like if you’re like, “I’m horny. I’m hungry. I’m tired.” I’d be like, “Wow, you got a lot of shit going on. Sounds like you need to jerk off, eat a sandwich, and take a nap. And… that’s on you. I mean, I’ll give you a little tug to get you started, but… I’m not gonna finish.” And I also think I should have the right to respond, you know? Yeah, that’s how it should work. I say something, you say something, I say something, and it continues. So I’ll say this. I am not put out by outraged culture, okay? I’m serious. Doesn’t affect me. Because I deal with emotionally fragile people every day. See, I have two kids, and… they bring me their problems. They do. And I speak to them about them. I speak to them differently than I would normally speak to you. You know, they’ll come up to me, and my older one will be like… [whining] “It’s loud… over there.” And I’ll be like… “Is it? Well, then don’t go over there.” He goes, “Okay.” And I go, “Okay.” And then I go, “Mwah,” and I kiss him on the head. And that’s how I’m gonna start speaking to adults who tell me they’re offended by jokes during comedy shows. So… [crowd cheering] -Yeah. The best part is that you don’t have to agree. That’s the great thing about living in this country. You don’t have to agree, but you’ll know where I stand. So if you come up to me, and you’re like, “I was deeply hurt by what you said during your ha-ha show…” I’ll be like, “Oh, were you? Well, you should never hear things you don’t like, so you stay home now. Mwah.” And I’ll kiss you on the head. That being said, do you ever wonder what kind of slave owner you would have been? Now… Not now! I mean, it’s 1831, you’re white, you live… exactly where you live right now. You guys are like, “We don’t want to play this game.” All right, well… Fuck it, I’ll play. Uh… I know how I would have been. I mean, I love buying cars now. “I know we have three, but look at this fucking guy!” All right, well… Hey, if you didn’t like that joke… [clicks tongue] …don’t think about it. Now… Women. [laughs] Do you feel like you’re almost equal citizens? Because you are not. Now… I’m on your side. I didn’t say you shouldn’t be. I said you’re not, because I have eyes. You’re not. You don’t sense the great imbalance that we live with? Men get paid more to do the same work that you do. Advantage, men. Women get mad at us for things we do in their dreams. Advantage, women. Isn’t that some shit? When you’re at breakfast and you’re like, “Why is she looking at me like that?” She’s like, “You were a dick in my dream last night.” And you’re like, “Okay, all right. Are you serious? I would like to apologize… for what I did in your dream last night.” She’s like, “Thank you.” And you’re like, “All right, I’m gonna get the fuck out of here.” See, I think the power dynamic that we live with was set by a man. Obviously. I think he was gonna make it equal. I really believe that. And I think the day he was going to set it up, he was leaving his house, and his wife stopped him at the door. And she was like, “You know, you were titty fucking a brunette in my dream last night.” And he was like, “You know what? No. You’re gonna answer the phones. That’s what you’re gonna do.” And he walked away. [laughing] Okay. Don’t accurately joke about our culture. All right. [laughs] Really? That’s not funny either? You don’t think there’s a couple people in here who are like, “I do answer the phones.” Like, is that funny to you? [laughs] On Monday, she’ll be like, “Hi, thank you for… Oh, fuck him. Fuck that guy.” Right? Sometimes, you witness the power imbalance play out in front of you between the genders in a grotesque fashion. Of course, when I say “the genders,” I am only speaking of two of the several hundred that now exist. I would like it to be clear where I stand. I have no problem calling anybody anything they wish to be called. It is no burden on me. You can identify as a shoelace if you want to. And I will call you Zippedy Zim-zir if you ask me to. Do I think it’s a little silly? Yeah. But so is badminton, and that’s an Olympic event. You know? So… Here’s what happened. I was shooting a movie a few months back, and one day, we wrapped up kind of early from filmmaking. It was late afternoon. And I walk off set, and I notice there’s a bar across the street. I go, “I’m gonna walk into this bar, have a drink, go back to the hotel.” Simple enough, right? I walk in, I see a woman seated at the bar, doing what I can only describe as weird shit. If you’re like, “What do you mean, Tom?” Well, I think there’s a normal spectrum of behavior that you see from one seated at a bar. You know, if you see them seated there, you might see them go like this, or, like, “Hey,” or maybe even… [imitating laughter] This lady is seated at the bar, and she’s going… I’m like, “Is she making fudge? What is she doing over there?” I also noticed it late. Like, I noticed it as I’m walking past it. That happens sometimes, right? Like you walk, you see something as you’re passing it. You’re like, “That’s some crazy shit,” and you keep walking. And then you’re like, “I need to see that again. I don’t know how I’m gonna see it again.” Now I’m dead center, and I see that a woman, to be clear, is in public, 4:30 in the afternoon, and she is sitting there fucking… Peeling her potato. I don’t know. Um… Playing with her pussy. You know what I’m trying to say. And she is not hot, if you’re wondering. If you’re like, “Was she super hot?” No, she wasn’t. And because of that, I tattletaled immediately. You know what’s up. So… I go to the bouncer. I go, “Excuse me. That not-model over there… is diddling herself at the bar.” And this big, yoked dude looked, and he goes… [babbling] I go, “Yeah, talk to her.” And he goes, “Mm-mm.” I’m like, “Excuse me?” He goes, “I don’t want anything to do with that shit.” I’m like, “I don’t think anybody does. There’s a woman masturbating at the bar.” He’s like… [groans] Like he’s put out by my outrageous request. He’s like, “All right, man, Jesus Christ.” So he gets up, he walks, like, halfway there, turns around, he goes, “Yeah, I couldn’t do it, man.” I go, “You have to.” So he calls over the hostess. This cute little 22-year-old that’s like, “What’s up, guys?” He goes, “Handle that.” She’s like, “Okay.” She goes over there, super polite, which is fucked up… considering the circumstances. I can’t hear her, but I can read her body language. She’s like, “Hi.” And she’s like, “Everybody can see you.” And then she goes, “Stop it. Stop.” And she goes, “You promise?” [laughs] Then she goes, “Thank you.” And she comes back, and she goes, “She’s stopped.” I’m like, “She finished, or she stopped?” She goes, “She stopped.” And I go. “Okay.” I’m like, “Wait, is she allowed to stay?” And she goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Why?” And she goes, “Because she stopped.” I go, “I’m sorry, would I be allowed to stay… if I was just sitting at your bar, just kind of toying with the top? You know, like… Would you tap me on the shoulder and be like, ‘Excuse me. Will you put your leaky dick back in your pants? Thanks. You want some chicken fingers or a Sprite or something?'” I say, “You’d call the SWAT team, and they would rappel into the building. Someone would crack my fucking head on the side of the bar, and you’d have a parade as my corpse was carried out.” And she goes, “You’re right about that.” [sighs] Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t know. I don’t jerk off in bars. Years ago, I wouldn’t find it necessary to make that statement, but in light of all the recent scandals, I don’t jerk off in bars. Now… It’s another reason I stopped reading messages from people. I keep getting messages all the time. People were like, “Hi, big fan. Uh, don’t sexually assault anyone so I can still be your fan.” Huh? First of all, ride or die, bitch. [crowd laughing, cheering] Yeah. I don’t want no half-steppers in my crew. Secondly… what am I supposed to write back? “Good looking out, bro. I was about to until I read your e-mail, Kyle.” Fuck you, Kyle. You don’t have to worry about me. I don’t jerk off in public. [laughs] It’s not what I’m into. I’m into something else. Here’s what it is. Uh… [laughs] -You guys are like, “Okay…” [woman] Yeah! All right, yeah. [woman] Yeah! If you ever want to hear me masturbate… all you have to do is call me and tell me you can’t make it to our dinner plans. I’ll start stroking right then and there. I am not social. I fucking love that call. That is my favorite call. I lo– Especially if it’s as I’m leaving the house, I’m gonna have multiple orgasms, okay? When I’m walking out of the house, and I’m like, “I don’t want to fucking go out with them,” and then they call and they’re like, “We can’t make it,” I’m like, “Keep talking. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?” “Well, we were in a car accident.” I’m like, “Oh. Are you okay? You are, but you’re still not coming to dinner. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” “All right, clean it up, Tom.” You got it. So… So I’m a dad. [snickering] And, uh… I, um… I’ve changed some. Not too much. You have to change a little bit. You know, there’s an expression, “Having kids changes you.” I think… Personally, I think it should be modified to, “Having kids should change you.” It’s a big-time red flag when you meet somebody who’s like, “Yeah, I’ve had four kids. I haven’t changed at all.” You’re like, “You’re super unstable. That’s good to know.” They don’t have to be huge changes. But, you know, you kind of evaluate your life and you make a change. Me, personally, I’m very proud of what I changed. I realized when I had kids, I had no time, no energy. I need to edit something out of my life. You know what I edited out of my life? Arguing with everyone. Every friend, every family member. I just don’t engage. As soon as it starts, I flip it on them, okay? As soon as I’m arguing with somebody, and they’re like, “Yeah, I don’t really agree with you,” I go, “Yep. I’m on your side now.” They’re like, “What?” I go, “As soon as you spoke, I came around and joined you. That’s how little I want to talk to you.” And I’m free. It feels great. Now… Not everybody likes it. I’ll tell you, my own mother is not a fan. [laughs] She lives for arguing. There are some people built like that. She lives for, you know, combative things. She wants to just fucking stab and twist, turn. She loves it. She’s also a dream crusher, which is… my least favorite quality in a human being. You know a dream crusher? The person who, no matter what you say you want to do or try, they’re like, “Mm-mm. Not you.” And you’re like, “It’s good to have you around,” you know? Those stay with you. Right? I bet you me just bringing it up brings them to your own memory. That’s how powerful they are. I remember… I do remember telling her, “I’m going to LA to do stand-up.” This is years ago. I say it to her. “I’m going to LA to do stand-up.” Her response was… [in Spanish accent] “You should go to the post office.” I was so naive. I was like, “They do stand-up shows at the post office?” She goes… [in Spanish accent] “No, to work.” I was like, “Oh, no, stand-up would be the work.” And she goes… [in Spanish accent] “I understand.” I was like, “Wait a minute. Am I telling you my dream, and then you’re saying, ‘Go be a mailman’?” And she was like… [in Spanish accent] “Yes.” Okay. Now I do all right. You know, I make a good living. She knows about it. Obviously. She hits me up for shit constantly, but… I still get to have some fun. Like, do you know what I sent my mother just a few weeks ago for her 75th birthday? A book of fucking stamps. And… I put a little note in there. “I got these at work today.” [imitating laughter] Like that. [crowd cheers] Yeah. Don’t feel badly. She gets hooked up. So… Yeah, she’s such a dick, but… [laughing] She is. I don’t like that dream-crushing shit. I really don’t. I’m the opposite. I’m a dream encourager. If you come to me with a crazy idea, then I’ll really celebrate, okay? I love people who have just outrageous dreams. I’ve put that out there now. Now people walk up to me all the time, like, “I want to open a hot dog stand where you can buy boots.” I’m like, “All right, let’s figure it out.” I like it, and I’ll tell you this, I want you to have crazy dreams. I’m serious. I really do. I’ll give you the best advice, sincerely, not a joke, that I ever got about pursuing a dream. And I hope it applies to all of you, okay? Here’s the truth. I think– This is true. As long as you accept that your dream might not go exactly as you plan, you will still feel fulfilled by the pursuit of your dream. So always go after whatever you want to do. Otherwise, what’s the point in living, right? Yeah. Now, to further that point, I’ll tell you this. I remember, two years ago, I’m sitting at a café in Los Angeles for lunch. I sit down. As I sit down, my friend, I can hear her audibly say, “I can’t believe I’m thinking that.” And I go, “Thinking what?” And she goes, “Oh, nothing.” I go, “What is it?” She goes, “It’s embarrassing.” And I go, “Just tell me.” She goes, “If I tell you, you’ll make fun of me.” And I go, “I always make fun of you. Just say it.” She goes, “It’s just something I want to keep inside.” I go, “You said you want to do it. So say it, then you can make it happen.” She goes, “I don’t want to.” I go, “If you don’t put it out in the universe, it’ll never happen. You’ve gotta say it. What is it?” And she goes, “Okay. I want to blow somebody in the Wu-Tang Clan.” Now, I immediately think… “What would my mom say?” You know? And I tell myself, “Don’t be like Mom. This is this girl’s dream.” So I look her dead in her eyes… and I go, “You should try. There’s a bunch of them.” That’s what I said. Now… Three months later… she got on their tour bus… and she told them, and guess what? They all accepted. If you are not familiar, there are nine guys… in the Wu-Tang Clan. Nine. [laughing] So many guys. That’s so many– Can we park for a moment… at how many dicks nine is? I don’t even understand how anyone’s sitting in their seat right now. There’s people out here like, “Hmm, what else you got?” Are you shitting me? That’s not a lot? Close your eyes… and picture nine dicks. You’re like, “God, they’re everywhere.” Yeah, ’cause there’s nine of them. That’s why. I’m not slut-shaming. I’m saying, objectively, nine is a lot of anything. Like, if I was like, “I had cinnamon rolls today.” And you’re like, “How many did you have?” “I had nine.” “You need me to take you to the emergency room or…? You’re gonna lose a foot by the morning. We should go.” Nine dicks? Are you fucking shitting me? Some of you, it took you 15 years to get to nine dicks. This was a Thursday for this young lady. Try to imagine the physical labor involved… with blowing nine probably not small dicks. If you’re not aware, the Wu-Tang fellas don’t look like me, all right? That is some CrossFit shit at that level. If you think burpees are rough, try… “Am I doing good? Do you like me now?” After how many do you think she was like, “Let’s take a little break for a second. [whimpering] What the fuck am I doing? Why are they so mean about it? [laughs] How many is that? Four! Fuck! Am I done?” And they’re like, “No, you’re not done! U-God, RZA, Rae, Ghost, Meth. No, you’re not done!” She’s like, “But my neck hurts.” And they’re like, “You’ve got to protect ya neck. Don’t you listen to our music?” [crowd cheering] Yes. Yes. That is a top-shelf Wu-Tang blowjob joke. Now… [sighs] She was a real animal, you know. I asked her one time, I was like, “If you could go back to that day and do anything differently, what would you have done?” And she said, “I’d have skipped lunch.” So… [crowd groaning, laughing] Yeah. Philly girl, what are you gonna do? Now… [laughs] What were we talking about before? Oh, yeah, my mom. So… [laughs] Here’s how I stopped arguing with her. I hope, if you’re in a similar situation with a parent, you have an epiphany the way I did. Here’s the circumstance, right? She calls me, late last year. There were fires in LA. And she goes… [in Spanish accent] “Tommy…” She’s not local, if you don’t know yet. If you’re like, “Why does she talk so fucking weird?” Uh… She’s from South America. Peru, to be specific. Okay. [crowd cheers] So she calls me, and she goes, “Tommy…” And I go, “Yeah?” She goes, “The fires, they are bad?” And I go, “Yeah. Usually they’re good, but this is a bad one.” And she goes, “People are dying?” I go, “If they’re in the fire, yeah. It’s fire.” And she lives in Florida, so she goes, “You have fires, we have hurricanes. People are dying everywhere.” And I go, “Sounds like you have the news on. Is there anything else you want to report?” And she goes, “I think it’s happening for a reason.” And I go, “It is. They’re called weather patterns.” And she goes, “No. I think God is trying to send us… a message.” That’s what I do. I go… [laughs] I go, “What’s the message?” She goes, “I think he’s trying to tell us to be better people.” You know when somebody says something, and you can feel with certainty that you’re gonna argue with them? Like, as words leave their lips, you’re like, “I’m gonna light you up pretty hard.” I could feel seething anger growing, and I could hear my own argument in my head. I could hear my own voice say, “You mean to tell me that our all-knowing and all-loving and all-present God is setting people on fire… and drowning them in hurricanes so that we hug more? This is the stupidest shit I have ever heard in my entire life.” [crowd cheering, applauding] But… right before I said it, I had that moment. I had that thought where I go, “What is the point? Why argue with this demon woman?” You know? “Just let Lucifer’s sister have her way. You’re not gonna change her mind.” So, for the first time in my life, I took a deep breath, and I just went, “Yeah. I can see why he would do that. [sighs] Hope he stops killing us.” [forced laughter] And she knew. She goes, “What?” I go, “You make a good point,” and she goes, “Why are you doing this?” Why are you… Meaning, “Why aren’t you arguing with me?” I go, “Mom, I don’t know. Who cares? You’re right. I’m wrong. So what?” And she goes, “Tommy, do you know what?” I go, “What?” She goes, “I always knew you were a little bitch, Tommy.” And I go, “What?” And she goes, “Chao, puto,” and she hung up the phone. That’s my mother. Okay, here’s how I got her back. It’s pretty fun. Uh… I never curse her out. As much as I say crazy things, I never curse… Even if I’m really mad, I can’t do like, “Fuck you!” I can’t do it. It doesn’t sit right. I prefer psychological warfare, you know? Yeah. I like knowing that I can ask my mother a question, and the mere mention of that question might terrorize her mind for years to come. So I decided I would ruin one of her days. So I chose Christmas. So here’s what I did, okay? [laughing] Christmas morning, my parents and their five dogs are at my house. My mother is in a fantastic mood, okay? She is a Latina woman on Christmas morning. You don’t understand this type of joy, all right? She’s, like, cooking and dancing. She’s like… [vocalizing] ♪ Baby Jesús is here today ♪ Just doing her spic shit, you know, so… It’s my mom. Okay, so… I see her. [laughing] Yeah. I go, “Mom.” And she goes, “Yes?” Like, I could feel the joy coming off her, and I’m like, “Now’s a good time.” I go, “Mom, have you ever thought about how you’re gonna have to bury each one of those dogs?” [crowd gasps] She goes, “Why would you say that?” And I go, “I don’t know.” I go, “Do you ever think about -what you’ll do if Dad dies before you?” -[woman] Oh, my God! She goes… [tearfully] “No. I’ve never thought about this.” And I go, “Well, I’m asking you, so… think about it.” And she goes, “I will pray… and I will hope to die the same day.” I go, “That’d actually be super convenient. Like as far as… planning the funerals and going over the wills. If you can pull it off, I think we’d all be on board.” She goes… [sobbing] “Merry Christmas, Tom.” I go, “Merry Christmas to you too.” And… my dad is sitting two feet away. He hasn’t heard one word of the conversation. He’s just in dad mode, checked out, staring at ceiling lights. You know, like… You call his attention, it just snaps him out of a flashback. I’m like, “Hey, Dad–” “Yeah!” Jesus. I asked him the same thing. I go, “Hey, man, have you ever thought about what you’d do if Mom dies before you?” He goes, “I like blondes, and I like big tits, buddy.” “Sounds like you’ve been thinking about that quite a bit.” And he goes, “Every night, pal. Every night.” I’m just like… [laughs] “You guys have different dreams, I guess.” That guy. Oh, my God. Nothing like men in their 70s, right? [groans] My dad’s at that really cool place in his life where he says things that are true that provide relief to no one. Like, this week I call him up, and I’m like, “What’s up?” He goes, “You know, gays don’t bother me.” And I was like… “That’s good.” He goes, “They’re just living their life. Why would I get upset?” And I’m like, “I don’t know.” And then it’s just quiet on the phone. I’m like, “Are we done talking right now?” He’s like, “No, I’m just thinking.” “Oh, it’s fun to listen to… as you breathe into the…” [breathing heavily] And he goes, “Your mother and I are going on a cruise.” And I go, “Okay, have fun.” And I ask him, I go, “Which cruise line?” And he goes, “Carnival.” And I’m like, “Wait, isn’t that, like, the party cruise?” And my dad’s response… I swear on my children… was, “Buddy, there’s no other way to say it. I love watching black people have fun.” What? I mean, we all do, but to say it out loud? It’s fucking crazy. Can you picture my dad on the aftdeck of a Carnival cruise, just like… “Those blacks are having fun. Let’s get some food. This is fun.” [laughs] All right, let’s get serious. Guys, I think it’s time we have to start taking better care of the environment. All right? Yeah. [crowd cheering] Absolutely. And I think that responsibility falls on the poor. And here’s why. You’re already in my trash. How about you separate the glass from the plastic? [crowd laughing, whistling] Yeah. It sounds like there’s some poor people over here. And that’s fucking disgusting. Now… Here’s what I know for sure. Poor people love the Bible, okay? And they love it because it’s the only book you get for free. Now… Try getting another book for free. Let me know how that shit goes. Can you imagine being so dumb… that you’re superstitious? Imagine being so impossibly stupid. Personally, I have nothing but contempt for all superstitions and all superstitious people. I hate all of them. I hate riding in the car with someone who’s like, “We’re about to drive over a bridge.” [gasps, grunting] Like, “I’m gonna get out of the car, and I hope you drive off this bridge. I really do.” They’re all dumb. “It’s 11:11.” [imitating laughter] “Make a wish.” I wish you would drink a smoothie of cyanide and broken rocks. That’s what I wish. They should all upset you, but there’s one that should make you march in the streets. I’m serious. I cannot believe that we live in this incredibly wealthy, developed nation, and, collectively, we all just accept that hotels, even some office buildings, just don’t have to have a 13th floor. Like, do you understand… that we’re throwing away sequential numbers because people are like… [muttering] You can go to a nice hotel, the fucking Four Seasons, it’ll go 12th floor, 14th floor. And if you go, “I’m sorry, why isn’t there a 13th floor?” “Well, that’s a spooky number. And if we had it, there’d be ghosts and goblins up there. So we took it away, and now it’s not so scary.” And you’re like, “Are you fucking Cajun? Is that really what we’re doing right now?” [crowd cheering] I don’t know. Yeah. You guys like that one, but that Bible one… [grunts] You pulled back on that. You guys were like… [grunting] “He listens to every show.” [shushing] It’s cool. I talked to him before the show. He said it was a good angle. Don’t worry about it. Now… [laughing] I’m not calling you stupid if you’re religious, okay? That’s a cheap shot. If religion gives you comfort, I think that’s great. I would not call you stupid for that. I would only call you stupid if you read your horoscope. [laughs] And, uh… you make life decisions based on… [gibbering] …what the planets are doing. [laughs] I don’t know if you’ve ever spent time with one of these non-contributors, but… they’re usually sharing their wisdom, like, “You’ve got to go for it, ’cause you’re a Pisces.” [gibbering] Thanks, Doc. Those are the same people that think it’s a miracle to share a birthday with someone. Like that’s a noteworthy event. And then you get to explain how that’s not weird. “Well, there’s a lot of us and… not that many options. It’s gonna happen all the time.” Those people… [groans] But the ones who make me immediately homicidal are… people who get excited about a close-to-each-other birthday. As if that is worth wasting a breath on. I get this in hotels once a month. I check into a hotel, the guy will take my ID, and he’ll be like… [chuckling] “You’re April 16th? I’m April 3rd.” I go, “Hold on a second! You mean to tell me… two weeks… before I was born… you were born? [moans] [crowd cheering, screaming] [man howls] [crowd whistling] [grunting] Yeah. I’ve got panty pudding now.” Panty pudding? [groaning] Gross. I remember the girl who said it. It was… 2002 and… a lot of you will not like this. But that year, Ohio State won the national championship in football. [crowd cheering, booing] Whoa. It’s almost like you care more about football than the Bible. But anyway… [crowd cheering, applauding] I know. Boo, history. Anyway… I was with this girl. I met her the day after the game. She was from Columbus, where the school is located. I said something casually. I just said it. I was like, “Oh, you’re from Columbus? You guys won the title. Are you excited?” And she goes, “Excited? I’ve got panty pudding.” And I was like… [groans] And then I fucked her because… she was a dirty girl, all right? And she was not lying. That shit was like tapioca. You had to scoop it out. Over your shoulder. Do you think Cosby still eats pudding? I often wonder if he has maintained his sense of humor on the inside. Do you think he teases the fellas on the way to the shower? Do you think he’s like, “Hey, don’t put your pudding pop in my raisin cake.” Like that? And they’re like, “Man, Bill’s crazy as shit, huh? Let me get a cigarette, Bill!” All right, so… [laughs] You can tell I like you. Yeah. You know why? ‘Cause I told you an old sex story from my life. I think, 100% of the time when that happens, when somebody tells you an old story like that from their life, it’s because they like you and they seek your approval. [crowd cheering] Yeah. Absolutely. Dude… Who tells you the best stories? It’s always people newish to your life. Why? Because they’re giving you the best they’ve got. They want to impress you. Who tells you the worst stories? Your best friends. They know you’re not going anywhere. Your best friends are like, “I fucked my wife,” and you’re like, “Shut up. We’re about to eat. I know her. Shut the fuck up, man.” Then they’re like, “It’s a good story.” “Okay, what?” “Well, she didn’t really want to do it.” [sighs] “But I kept bothering her and bothering her. And she finally broke down. She really just laid still.” You’re like, “What are you? Ted Bundy? This is a terrible story.” I’ll tell you a fun story, all right? When I first got to LA, many years ago, I met a girl in a bar. She took me back to her place. We started messing around. I signed the consent forms. We start messing around. As we’re doing it, she reaches around, she puts a finger in me, and I go… [gasps] And she goes, “Mmm?” And I go, “Oh, yeah.” That’s it. That’s the end of the story. Right. Go for your dreams. [laughs] I do mean that. I know it sounds cheesy, but I don’t mean it to. I just… Here’s why I think about it so much. I meet so many people. Okay? I meet way more people than you. Um… It’s not even close. So… Here’s the thing. People usually say nice things to me. They’re like, “Thanks for coming. I had a good time.” Conversations naturally will turn, and I’ll ask somebody, “What do you do?” Do you know what I hear like 98% of the time? They’ll be like, “It fucking sucks. I hate it.” Then I go, “Why don’t you do something else?” They go, “It’s too late. My life’s fucked. Good to meet you, man” and they walk away. Yeah, that sits in my head. So I think about it. But I have advice. This is the advice that I hope you’ll leave with, all right? This is it. You just need to learn to do one thing really well. And it’s this. You need to learn to manage your expectations. It’s not an innate thing you’re born with. It’s a skill. If you work at it, you’ll get good at it. The more you manage your expectations, you’ll feel more fulfilled, less depressed, happier overall. I’ll share with you my life’s greatest disappointment, which, in retrospect, is my fault. I didn’t know it at the time. I do now. And I’m gonna tell you it’s gonna be upsetting to some people. But hopefully, we can use it as a learning tool, so… Here’s what it is, all right? [groans] I think that sixty-nining is overrated, and it sucks. [crowd cheering, applauding] Yeah. Yeah, you see that? Some people clap. Some people are like, “Arrest this man.” But listen. The story of why is more important. Do you remember when you first heard about it? I do. I was in third grade. And that’s too young. All right? One of the older kids told me, and I was like, “What? At the same time?” I almost had a seizure. I didn’t know what he was saying. I didn’t even have references so I could pretend like I understood. I was like, “That’s like eating a cheeseburger covered in ice cream while you’re taking a shit or something.” And he was like, “That’s exactly what it’s like.” From that day on, I was hooked. When I tell you I was obsessed, I was obsessed. I’m not saying it for a story. It is all I talked about, thought about, dreamt about, sung about, joked about, “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine…” Every notebook in school, I was like, “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine…” Every sports team I was on, I was like, “I’m number 69!” They were like, “This is fifth grade basketball. Why don’t you chill out, buddy?” Every birthday, Christmas, my dad’d go, “What do you want?” I’d go, “I want a sixty-nine.” He’d go, “Shut up and stop saying that!” And I was like, “No!” Defiant. “No!” “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. It’s gonna be the best. Be the best. Sixty-nine. It’ll be like smoking meth out of God’s dick. I want to do it.” And I built it up, and I built it up, and I built it up, and when I finally got to do it, I finally got to do it, you know what the first thing I said was? “Get off me. All right?” My neck hurts. I can’t get my nose out of the way. Does it feel good? It feels like I’m working. All right, it’d feel better if you flipped over and polished me off, and then I’ll do you. Why’s it got to be at the same time? Are we late for something? Uh… Is the youth pastor coming back in a few minutes? Let’s take turns, like we learned in kindergarten. What type of maniac sixty-nines as an adult? I mean, if you’re a guy, I hope you’re at least a gentleman about it and you lay on your back and you’re not one of these savage fucking pigs… who’s like, “I prefer this angle. And then you can hear the fight to live underneath you.” [gagging] And you’re like, “Yeah, that feels good.” I bet it fucking does feel good. As you’re throating that poor lady underneath you. I don’t think there’s a more horrific picture I can paint… than that of a woman, a lovely woman… Like, picture your mom laying on her back… in anticipation of sixty-nining from the bottom. And she’s like, “What the fuck?” And she’s got that look on her face, like, “Is the search party gonna find me here?” And then a man, a disgusting man… like me, is like, “Well, saddle up. Here we go.” There’s dingleberries and lint. And here’s your mom, and I’m like… [grunting] [laughs] And then, if I do that, I hear, “What’s on my forehead?” And I’m like, “That’s my gut. [laughs] That’s Daddy’s wet trash bag gut.” Austin, you were a blast. Thanks for coming out tonight. Appreciate it very much. [crowd cheering] See you next time. Good night. See you, buddy. [“Protect Ya Neck” by Wu-Tang Clan playing] ♪ You best protect ya neck ♪ ♪ Wu-Tang Clan comin’ at you ♪ ♪ Watch your step, kid Watch your step, kid ♪ ♪ Watch your step, kid Watch your step, kid ♪ ♪ Watch your step, kid ♪ ♪ The Inspectah Deck ♪ ♪ I smoke on the mic Like Smokin’ Joe Frazier ♪ ♪ The hell-raiser Raising hell with the flavor ♪ ♪ Terrorize the jam Like troops in Pakistan ♪ ♪ Swinging through your town Like your neighborhood Spider-Man ♪ ♪ So, uh, ticktock and keep ticking ♪ ♪ While I get you flipping Off the sh** I’m kicking ♪ ♪ The Lone Ranger, code red, danger ♪ ♪ Deep in the dark with the art To rip the charts apart ♪ ♪ The vandal, too hot to handle ♪ ♪ You battle, you’re saying goodbye Like Tevin Campbell ♪ ♪ Roughneck, Inspectah Deck’s on the set ♪ ♪ The rebel, I make more noise Than heavy metal ♪ ♪ The way I make the crowd go wild ♪ ♪ Sit back, relax, won’t smile ♪ ♪ Rae got it going on, pal Call me the rap assassinator ♪ ♪ Rhymes rugged And built like Schwarzenegger ♪ ♪ And I’mma get mad deep like a threat ♪ ♪ Blow up your project Then take all your assets ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I came to shake The frame in half ♪ ♪ With the thoughts That bomb shit like math ♪ ♪ So if you wanna try to flip Go flip on the next man ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I grab the clip and ♪ ♪ Hit you with 16 shots and more, I got ♪ ♪ Going to war with the melting pot, hot ♪ ♪ It’s the Method Man For short “Mr. Meth” ♪ ♪ Moving on your left, ah ♪

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George Carlin: The Indian Drill Sergeant – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-indian-drill-sergeant-transcript/

In 1965 “The Indian Sergeant,” was emerging as George Carlin’s surefire crowd-pleaser. The premise involved an Indian warrior who called his troops to order like an army drill sergeant. Carlin introduced the bit by noting that classic Westerns typically spent an hour and a half showing the cowboys getting ready for the climactic Indian attack, but never showed the Indians preparing. “It was a standard fish-out-of-water gimmick, the thing that Bob Newhart was doing so well then,” he once explained. “The idea was that if the Indians were good fighters, they must have been organized, and military organization means N.C.O.s.” Carlin’s Indian sergeant addressed his troops in one of the born mimic’s favorite, and most natural, voices—a posturing Bronx baritone that mangled the word “loincloth” as lernclot’. The braves, the sergeant reported, were performing their drills admirably: “Burnin’ settlers’ homes—everybody passed. Imitatin’ a coyote—everybody passed. Sneakin’ quietly through the woods—everybody passed, except Limping Ox. However, Limping Ox is being fitted for a pair of corrective moccasins.” He then made a few scheduling announcements: “There’ll be a rain dance Friday night, weather permittin’.” Recorded in 1966, on RCA records I’m a fan of Westerns. I don’t like just any Western though; I like the ones that involve Indians. I like the Indian movies because they’re predictable. You know what the big scene is going to be, right? It’s going to be the attack the Indians Finally make on the cowboys. You wait for it to happen for an hour and a half. You can see the clowns standing on the hill. Finally, “Yeeahhh!” It’s over. Now they show us, for 90 minutes, how the cowboys get ready for this attack. “Pull the wagons around the circle, gel them old ladies up there, load up the weapons, tab their petticoats, give ’em a bang, get ’em the salt bags and sand bags and (double-talk) out a here!” It’s a big hassle. But they never show us how the Indians prepare. And it’s their attack, right? Well, the Indians were good fighters. Just because they started in Massachusetts and wound up defending Santa Monica doesn’t mean they were bad. They were good fighters. And if they were, they must have been well organized. They must have had a way to divide their manpower. They couldn’t have been as chaotic as it looks in the movies with one old chief, “Many moon come chakta” and a lot of guys running around naked. There had to be intermediate authority. There must have been Indian sergeants. No army can make it without that tough, veteran, battle-hardened sergeant, and the Indians were no exception. [Carlin now speaks with a lower class New Jersey or New York workman’s accent, as if he were a modern U.S. Army non-commissioned officer.] All right, all the tall guys over by the trees. Fat guys down behind the rocks. You with the beads, out of line, come on! Well, there’s one in every village. All right, knock off the horseplay! Come on, knock off the horseplay. You guys over there playin’ with the horse, will you knock it off? Now youse have all been given a piece of birch bark and a feather dipped in eagle’s blood. We want youse to write on the birch bark with the feather, in the upper right-hand comer. That’s the upper right-hand corner. Dat’s your arrow hand. You write your name, last name first, first name last. If your name is Running Bear, you write Bear, Running. You got a middle initial please include that, such as Wolf, Howling, W. A lot of you guys have been askin’ me about promotion. You’d like to make Brave, Second Class. Get another scar up on your arm. Well, I’m happy to say the results of your early tests have come tru. Youse are doin’ beautifully. Burning settlers’ homes, everybody passed. Imitating a coyote, everybody passed. Sneaking quietly through the woods. Everybody passed except Limping Ox. However, Limping Ox is being fitted with a pair of corrective moccasins, and he’ll be up and dancing in no time at all. Now there are two other areas on which you will be tested: running down the hill and yelling like a nut; and leaping off the cliff—which is considered to be the tougher of the two. A lot of fellas like to save leaping off the cliff for last. Couple other announcements for you here. The fertility rites have been called off due to the recent cold wave. (Horse-laugh) There’ll be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting. Got a great band: Leapin’ Lizard and the All-Stars. They’ll be playing all your favorite tunes, “Pass That Peace Pipe,” “Indian Love Call,” “Sweet Sioux,” all them tunes you’ve come to know and love through these many moons. Okay, one other thing. There’s another item that goes on your clothing list. And that is your loirn cloth. Now that goes down on your list as one each, cloth, loirn-type. That there is your loirn cloth. You’ll want to get to know, and love, your loirn cloth. Someday it may save your life. There’ll be a massacre tonight at 9 o’clock. We’ll meet down by the bonfire, dance around a little bit, and move out. This will be the fourth straight night we’ve attacked the fort. However, tonight it will not be as easy. Tonight there will be soldiers in the fort. Happy to say I’ll be leading the massacre. I’ll be running down front. You’ll see me. I’m the one that’s on fire. And the uniform of the day, it’s a formal massacre. You want your class-A summer loirn cloth, two green stripes over the eye, no feather, arms are blue, legs are red, chest is optional. You might throw a little yellow on the bellies. What? No, you can’t put any purple on your eyelids. Is that the guy with the beads? Get outta line, would you please, now!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris D’Elia: Man on Fire (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-d-elia-man-on-fire-transcript/

[♪♪♪] ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Man on fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Man on fire ♪ Yes. [audience continues cheering] Yes. All right. Yeah. All right. Just relax. We’re fucking here, doing this in Canada. I’m happy about that. [audience cheering] Look at this crowd. Yo, all right. I know, uh… I know I look like a tired eagle. Um… [audience laughing] I don’t like how you laughed, to be honest. It’s fine… It’s fine that you laughed at it, but the way you laughed at it was shitty, you know? You laughed like you realized it. [audience laughing] Ha, ha, oh. Eagles are cool, though. They’re fucking… You know what I mean? [squawks] They do that shit. I don’t look like that eagle that would be like fucking… I look like an eagle that would be like this: Caw. You know what I mean? Like… just tired as shit, stuck in traffic: Caw. I’ve been thinking about the way I look a lot lately because I’m finally the age I look. I’m like… I always looked older than I was, but now I’m 36 and that’s a hundred percent obvious. Like… it’s… Like… Here’s what I mean “I’m the age I look.” When I say I’m 36, nobody in here goes like this: “No.” You know? [audience laughing] Like, I’m an adult. It’s fucking crazy to realize yourself as an adult, right? I mean, I’ve been an adult for a while, but I just kind of… Recently it sunk in. Here’s what happened when I realized it. I saw a picture, uh, of me and I didn’t recognize me. I just saw, like, an adult male. I literally saw me and I thought, “Fuck that guy. He looks creepy.” That’s what I thought. I was like, “I don’t like his whole story. Fuck him.” And then I realized it was me. I look like that. I look like a guy that’d fuck your girl and then be like: “That’s the game.” You know what I mean? [audience laughing] I’m sorry. I didn’t do it. I’m so fucking 36, man. When I was in my 20s I was a completely different person. I don’t… I feel girls say shit like that, actually. I don’t mean it like that. I feel like girls say dramatic shit like: “I used to be a completely different person.” [audience laughing] I feel like when a girl says it, it means she used to fuck a lot, you know? [audience laughing] I feel like when a girl says that, part of her thinks that she was someone else for real. She’ll be, “No, for real.” I used to be a little Japanese man,” or whatever. Like, “No, you weren’t.” “Oh, really? “Then explain this:” [mimics Japanese dialogue] You’re like, “Okay, I don’t wanna argue.” You were Japanese for a summer or something.” Ha, ha. I don’t mean I was a different person. I was a lot different than I am now. And I was, dude. Just take ten years ago. When I was 26 I was married, which is crazy. Which… And that’s true. But by the way, don’t do that. Uh, yeah. [audience laughing] I don’t bad-mouth marriage. You can get married and it can work out, but not if you’re 26 and a dude. That’s way too young, okay? I mean, maybe some of you are 26 and married out there, in which case, oops, but you know what I mean? It’s not gonna work out, you know? I mean, it might, but it won’t. You know what I mean? But it could, but it’s not going to, right? But some are like, “This one’s special.” And you’re wrong, but, uh… Yeah, you’re not special. You’re just somebody. [Laughs] That’s fucked up. We’re not special at all. That’s so fucked. [audience cheering] We’re not. We’re not special. We’re just people. It’s fucked up to think about, right? I know when I say that I lose some people in the audience. They’re like, “Well, yeah, I mean…” [audience laughing] “Speak for yourself, but… I’m special ’cause I bought a vest a week ago.” Or whatever the fuck you think makes you special. Of course we think we’re special. We live in a society that fucking makes us feel that way, right? We’re all individuals and shit, right? Well, we… People told us that ever since we were little kids. Your parents or if you had shitty parents, your teachers told us that shit, right? I had a teacher that used to be like, “Remember, you’re your own snowflake.” [audience laughing] As a 4-year-old, you’re like, “Okay, I’m a little bit of snowflake, I guess.” Like, that’s weird as shit. And you carry on the tradition. We fucking make… You… You got kids, you make them feel special, you lie to them. You do. You say shit like, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” What the fuck? No, you can’t. No. No, you can’t. No, you can’t. No. So many things you can’t do even if you put your mind to it. Most things you can’t do. A lot of you guys couldn’t even get here on time. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Things are hard as shit. We can all do, like, four or five things, tops. We try things, but halfway through we’re like: “Fuck it, I’m hungry.” And we quit. We give up ’cause shit is hard as fuck. I’m wrong about this? You can do anything you put your mind to. Really? Shit out of your eyes. Do that. [audience laughing] Try it. Do it. fucking put your mind to it. [grunts] Try every day for the rest of your life. [grunts] It’ll always come out of your asshole first every single time. This is you every day. “Back to the drawing board.” That’s you every day with a high dry cleaning bill ’cause you shit your pants. We’re not special. But of course you feel that way. I saw some of you walk in here tonight. You’re like, “fucking here I am.” [audience laughing] You only think that ’cause you’re you. That’s why. If you were someone else, might be like, “Fuck that guy. I don’t like his vest.” [audience laughing] That’s the problem, really, is that you’ve always only been you. That’s the problem. You’ve never been anyone else, right? So, you’re important ’cause you live inside your body. You’re looking out of your eyes. And if someone pokes you, you’re like, “fucking hey.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] “Don’t make me start a hashtag on Twitter.” [audience laughing] You know how you know that we think we’re special? Because… Here’s why. ‘Cause movies make money. That’s why. ‘Cause we think we’re special. ‘Cause we’ll sit in the theater and watch Denzel Washington and be like, “You know what?” fucking that’s me. [audience laughing] I’m fucking Denzel in my life. If my life were a movie, I will be the lead. “I’m the Denzel Washington part.” No, you’re not the fucking Denzel Washington part. What part you are? Denzel Washington walks up to you like, “Where is she?” And then you go like this, “I don’t know.” That’s you. [audience laughing] You think you’re Denzel? Think you walk into a room full of cops with a bunch of confidence and swagger? Just like “So, what do we got?” No. That’s what Denzel does. You’re the guy afterwards with a bunch of graphs and spreadsheets and you’re like, “Uh, excuse me, sir.” I… I… I have a bunch of facts that pertain to the case ahead.” And he’s like, “Shut the fuck up!” And you go: “Oh, Oh!” And the spreadsheets fly everywhere, you bitch ass. That’s you. You’re not fucking Denzel. You think you are? You think you’re the man on fire? Is that what you think? You think you walk out of a car in slow motion with the music blaring in the background? [mimicking dramatic music] No. When you get out of your car, the music stops. ‘Cause it was on the radio in your car. You don’t get out on a mission with a beautiful dove flying out of your backseat. And the wind casually flipping your Hawaiian shirt up, exposing your abs. You don’t even have abs, you fat fuck. [audience laughing] You don’t get out like: [Mimicking dramatic music] You get out and it’s like: [Mimicking wacky music] [mimics farting noise] Fat. Fat fuck. Fuck a dove. There’s a pigeon at best. And it’s fatter than you are. Can’t even get off the ground. It’s eating Doritos out of your car when you got out, you fucking piggy fat fuck. [audience laughing] [man in audience] Yeah! You’re not… You’re not Denzel. You’re not the man on fire. You think you are. A lot of you think I’m talking about other people. You are other people to other people. You think you’re the fucking man. You think that’s your movie, you fucking… You think if someone pulled a gun on you, you might, “Do it. Come on, motherfucker.” Let’s see what you got. Come on, show me the balls you got.” [shouts] No way. Neither would I. I’m not saying I’m better than that. Here’s me or anybody in here if we got a gun pulled on us. This is what we would do: [Groans, then crying] “Take my girl, take my girl. You can fuck her.” [audience chuckles] You’re not Denzel. You’re not the man on fire. Right? Life’s not your movie, that’s what I’m trying to say. Makes sense, right? You know what life is more like? We’re all extras in someone else’s movie. That’s what it’s more like, right? And you guys believe me. You’re like, 70, 75 percent there. You’re like: “Well, yeah, I mean… Chris D’Elia is right, “but… also, ha, ha… I’m a little bit Denzel.” Right? You know what that is? That’s your ego. That’s… I have that, too. I have that ego. You live life like it’s your movie because you don’t wanna be the bitch-ass extra, right? I certainly… I orchestrate my life that way. I feel like I’m the lead of my movie right now. I’m on-stage yelling into a microphone at you guys. I’m like, “It’s like this. It’s like that.” You guys are all looking back at me like, “Yeah, he’s right.” It feels like it’s my movie, but it’s not. In real life, the movie is probably about a couple arguing. And the girl gets so mad that she storms out. And this is just a scene at the Vogue in fucking Vancouver, Canada. [audience cheering] Yeah. I’m not even Chris D’Elia in this movie. I’m comedian number six. [audience laughing] But you try, right? You try ’cause you have to. You try to make life yours, right? Life throws what it throws you and you roll with the punches. That’s what happened to me, you know? I met a girl and I hung out with her for too long, and then… Then I loved her. By the way, that’s what love is. That’s what it is. Hanging out with someone for too long. That’s what it is. It’s true. Fuck these movies. They glorify love. Two people in the rain, looking at each other, not giving a shit it’s raining ’cause they’re holding eye contact. Right? They’re just like, “I fucking love you.” Ah. You’re my soul mate. I’m so lucky I found you. Why am I the one that’s so lucky? “I can’t belie… I miss you when I blink.” [audience laughing] “Where did you go?” “Oh, I was just blinking.” That’s not what people say as it starts raining. You know what people say? No matter how much in love they are, no matter how much eye contact, this is what we say: “Hey. [Spits] Ah. Let’s go inside.” That’s what we say. Love is not that certain. If I could pick two words that love is, it’s right here: “I guess.” [audience chuckles] Love is “I guess.” You find yourself your “I guess” person and have an “I guess” family. That’s what you do. And then you “I guess” your way all throughout life. That’s what you do. You say, “Yeah, let’s get married, I guess, and then have kids, I guess”, and feed them, I guess, uh… every day, I guess. And take a trip if we have the money, I guess. And when I’m sick, make me soup if you’re in the mood, I guess. And then when you die, I’ll be right by your side. “I guess. I don’t know. That’s so far away. At this point, I hope I go first.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Love is “I guess.” If you’re sure you’re not in love, that’s not what love is. Think about the people in your life that knew they were in love. Think about those people. “I fucking love her.” Hundred percent know it. I knew it as soon as I saw her. You can’t convince me otherwise. She’s so easy to be around. “She’s basically me.” Right? And then a year later you’re like, “How is she?” “Oh, that bitch was crazy.” [audience laughing] ‘Cause that’s not love. That’s The Notebook. That’s Jerry Mc-fucking-Guire, okay? And those movies ended early. They were two hours, not 40 fucking years. You know I’m right. That’s why you’re laughing. ‘Cause you’ve been in love or are now, and know that love is up and down. And up and down and up and down and down more and down and up a little bit, but then down, down, down. Down, down, not up, down, down, down. And you’re both stuck down there and like, “At least we have each other.” That’s what love is. And then you meet other couples down there and you, like, do dinners with them or some shit. Fuck those dinners. A lot of you guys are probably on those dinners right now. [audience laughing] A lot of you guy… Look, sometimes people think what I’m saying is negative because I’m saying love is shitty. But that’s not negative that love is shitty. You know why? ‘Cause love is shitty because it fucking has to be. You know why? Because it’s awesome, too. That’s how everything in life is. Everything that’s good is equally that bad. That’s yin and yang of life. Take anything you like. It’s equally that bad. Kit Kats. You love Kit Kats, right? Eat them up. “Oh, man, I love these Kit Kats.” Oh, they’re so chocolatey. Break me off another one. “I love these Kit Kats. Why are they so good?” They are, until: [Mimics trumpeting sound] That’s the bad part. That’s the bad part. You’re sitting on the toilet, thinking: “Oh, man, I can’t ever eat any more Kit Kats ever again.” It’s the same thing as love. Chipotle, Chipotle, Chipotle. Love, love, love. Love is Chipotle. Dude, this isn’t even a comedy show. It’s a fucking TED Talk, okay? [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Oh, fuck it. Love is shitty. And that’s okay. Sometimes if… If you’re with somebody, you go to sleep shitty and wake up shitty. And by the way, you sleep shitty, too. Sometimes. If you don’t wake up every two hours and think something like “did this bitch turn off the humidifier?” that’s not love. And then you wake up with chapped lips and blame each other. That’s love. You’re like, “Yo, did you turn this shit off? What the fuck?” You did… My… Side of my mouth is cracking now… when I open it like that. The bad side. What the fuck? You didn’t turn it off. You didn’t turn it off. Who came in here? Humidifier fairy came and did that shit? “My mommy came over at 2:30 in the morning and did that?” [audience laughing] That’s what love is. Know what love is? If I could distill love down into one moment, this right here would be the moment of love right here. “fucking move.” [audience laughing] Move over. Look at the other side of the bed. Look at that area. Look at that… Stop gazing into my fucking eyes for two seconds and look at the other area. And then look at this zero area I’ve got over here. Look at that vast area. They shot Mad Max on the other side of you. Tom Hardy’s over there on the front of a vehicle like: [Groans] And I’m over here with my leg and my dick flopped off the bed. Explain that. Explain why my dick is flopped off the bed. They shot Mad Max and Dances With Wolves on the other side of you. Kevin Costner’s over there with a water buffalo just like: [Speaking in Lakota] He’s saying that. [audience laughing] Every time you turn, you take the covers. You know that? Every time you turn, you take it. You take it. I’m there and you’re sleeping, but you’re dreaming. ‘Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve them.’ And you take it and you take it and you take it. And you do a billion revolutions a night. You take it, you take it. And when you come back, you leave it. You take it and then leave it over there. You take it and then leave it. You’re like a shitty fucking typewriter. You’re a typewriting-ass bitch. And I’m over here with no covers. A frigid, freezing cold dick and my mouth is bleeding. “Thank you, bitch.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [laughs] That’s what love is. Know what love is? This is what love is. When you’re on an airplane with your girl or whoever and they’re next to you and you have a thought like: “Does she really think that the armrest is for her?” fucking come on. It’s my turn a little bit sometimes. Fuck. Come on. You know what? Put your fucking head against the side of the plane. I gave you the window seat for a reason. Use it. Well, I’m trying to be fucking chivalrous. God. [audience laughing] “Time to kick back and relax.” Right? You’re freezing, but she’s got your hoodie balled up, using it as a pillow. And you gotta be happy about it. You’re like, [chattering] “Ah, I hope you’re comfortable.” And you’re, like, going to visit her family in, like, Dallas or some shit and then she was like, “Do you wanna go because you wanna go… or do you wanna go because you know that I want you to go?” [audience laughing] “You know what? You’re asking me to lie to you.” I wanna go ’cause I wanna go. How’s that? Yeah. I don’t even care if you’re going at this point. I am. Uh-huh. Can we stay with your grandma? And is she 93 years old? Can I not understand a word coming out of her mouth? And does she only wear nightgowns even at 3 p.m.? “And are her bathrooms weird as shit? [gasps] Sign me up.” – Aw. [Chuckles] [audience cheering] Dude, bro, I’ll get so mad on the plane. Like… And I’ll fucking… I’ll make myself hot. I’ll turn on the a… Fuck that air, the little air-conditioning, the… The little bitch-ass air. Make a bigger vent. Make a bigger vent. It’s a hole. Use less material. You’re using more material to be a big fucking dickhead on purpose. Make a little… Gotta turn it on. It’s like a fucking titty. You know what I mean? You turn it on. It’s not even cool air. It’s just loud air. You turn it on and it’s, like [hissing] fucking rocketed in my eye. Four thousand miles, please. Just in this circumferenced area. Just in this area. This is where I’m hot, actually. Right here, I’m freezing already, okay? But here, I’m tropical. fucking dry out my contact lens, please. When I get to the Dallas airport, I wanna walk around like this. That’s how I wanna walk around. I want people to think they see Fetty Wap in baggage claim. That’s what I want. That’s what love is. Walking around the Dallas airport with three bags and one good eye. And she’s skipping in front of you with no bags and two eyes. And you told her to pack one bag. And you packed one bag, but somehow you’re holding three! [audience laughing] That’s not what the man on fire does. [audience laughing] Whatever. So, you know. I asked her to marry me. [Laughs] [audience laughing] I mean, I didn’t mean to… Well, I meant to. I meant to… I meant… I meant to say the words, you know? But… I don’t know, now that I have some retrospect on it, it’s ten years later, I think the reason why I did it is because I thought it was the right thing to do, you know? It was an idea that I had, right? Like, my parents are still married. Now, even. They’re my role models, right? But I didn’t mean it when I said it from… Didn’t mean it from the bottom of my heart, right? When you ask somebody to marry you, you gotta fucking mean that shit. You gotta hunker down and just fucking, you know… [chuckles] “Hey.” Right? “Just want you to know… life can be crazy sometimes. But you, you make sense of it all.” Or whatever. Whatever Creed song you wanna rip off, you know? But… [audience laughing] I didn’t ask from the bottom of my heart, you know? I didn’t. I just not… I said it with my mouth. [Chuckles] Can’t do that. You can’t ask somebody to marry you from your fucking mouth. Just fire it out there like, “Meh. You wanna get married?” – You know what I mean? [audience laughing] Not like ordering a bagel. You can order a bagel from your mouth. Doesn’t matter, right? You can just be like, “Meh, what bagels you got, sir? It doesn’t matter if I don’t like it. I’ll just order another one.” That’s not what marriage is, right? To further my point, don’t order a bagel from the bottom of your heart. That’d be very weird. Different feelings, different situations. Right? Like, if you walked into a bagel place and you were, like, fucking, “Hey. [Chuckles]” Excuse me, bagel guy. I want you to… [chuckles] I want you to know your bagels are my everything. “So, can I have an everything bagel?” Right? Corny, that’s my whole point. [audience cheering] So, we did it. We got married and I… But I didn’t… I didn’t real… I don’t know. I knew something was up. I didn’t know I didn’t wanna be married, but something was up. I was too young to realize my own emotions. Like, I was frustrated, right? Like, I was… I’d take it out on wrong things ’cause I didn’t know myself. Like, I’d be eating a sandwich and be like, “Know what? Fuck turkey.” Or some shit. She’d be, “What’s wrong?” I’d be like, “You don’t know me!” I was becoming a dick. Here’s how I knew I didn’t wanna be married. This kept happening. Didn’t realize then, but I realize now, all right? It’s very symbolic. You know when you live with someone and walk into a room and they’re in the room and it ends up scaring the shit out of you, right? Though it’s the one thing that should be in that room, ’cause it’s their room, too, you’re not thinking, you’re doing something else. You walk in and it scares you. That kept happening, okay? I kept walking in different rooms she would be in and getting the shit scared out of me. I’d walk in and be like, “What the fuck?” Whoa, where did you come from? How did you get here?” She’d be like, “I fucking live here.” You’re like, “I know. I get scared because deep down… “Deep down I don’t want you here. Deep down I don’t want you here.” Whatever. Mistakes are scarier than monsters. [audience laughing] [laughing] That’s the other thing, right? Don’t wanna let yourself get scared. Not as a young man, right? Like, not in your 20s. Don’t wanna… You wanna be the man, right? Like, for instance, if somebody scares your friend and they go, “Boo.” And he goes: [Gasps, then shouts] That dude’s a bitch, right? Like, he’s not gonna be in your army. I mean, you don’t have an army, but if you did, and some shit went down, you’d give him the flute. And he’d be the bitch ass in the back… just: “Don’t shoot me. It’s not… I’m just here for morale.” Right? [mimics bullet whizzing] “That’s not fair.” [mimics bullets whizzing] That’s against the rules. “Shoot the guys with the guns.” On the other hand, if you scare your friend and you’re like: “Boo.” And he’s like, “Come on, motherfucker, let’s do this.” Give him a gun. He should be out there guarding the flute bitches, right? I didn’t wanna be a flute bitch. Not in front of my girl. There’s no fucking way I was that secure in myself. There’s no way. So, I’d walk in and I’d get scared she was in the room. But I couldn’t let her see that. So, I’d immediately cover it up and just get mad at her for even being in the room. I’d walk in and just, “Hey. Ow. What the fuck are you doing?” Look at the way you’re sitting with knees up. You a gargoyle? “Fuck off.” [audience laughing] So… now I’m 36. It’s ten years later. I’m a man. Can’t fucking do something ’cause I think it’s the right thing to do or it’s… It’s what I should do. Gotta do something so I… ‘Cause it’s me. I’m exactly that guy in that picture I saw. Thirty-six-year-old fucking… A man, right? But I vowed recently not to pretend anymore because of that. Like… And I’ve been good at it. I took a stand recently. Here’s something I don’t wanna pretend to do anymore. A lot don’t agree, but I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go to your party anymore. I don’t wanna go, okay? I’ve been to so many parties, had fun zero times, all right? Don’t wanna go anywhere where I’m in a conversation and I catch myself going like this: “Ah.” I don’t wanna go. [audience laughing] People are boring as shit at parties. They’ll just say shit that they think is interesting, not giving a shit about you. I was at a party once and this guy looked me in the eyes and says this: “Hey, do you know anything about front lawns?” [audience laughing] ‘Cause I was thinking about redoing my front lawn, you know? “Might just redo the whole thing.” Ah. “I’m gonna rip my dick off in the corner. Yeah. No, it’ll hurt,” but at least I’ll have to deal with something else immediately, right? Hey, I’d love to sit and chat about your fucking lawn, but… gotta deal with this dick situation. “It’s off.” [chuckles] [audience laughing] I don’t wanna go to your party. I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go. Here’s something I definitely don’t wanna pretend I wanna do. I don’t wanna pretend to wanna go to your fucking birthday party. No. I don’t care. What did you turn, 28? Bye. Do it by yourself. Don’t care. I’m Jehovah’s Witness from now on. For real. I’m not celebrating. If you’re 9, have a birthday party. That’s okay. But if you’re 10, get a job immediately. That’s what I think. You go to work. And you don’t want to. That’s the world I wanna live in. That’s… Where 10-year-olds have to go to work. I wanna see them fucking just like, “Hey, guys. Sorry, I’m late for work.” Like… “I only got… Sorry, I only got this many hours of sleep last night.” [audience laughing] Hey, guys. First order of business. [chuckles] First order of business. Need to get these products to upper management, pronto. Hello, Stacy, can you please bring in my Capri Sun? It’s going to be a long one. [audience laughing] And can you put the straw in the back, please? I never know how to do that. Hey, guys. Before we get started… where is the employee bathroom? “I got to go caca now.” If you’re 9, have a birthday party. That’s your last one. Okay? My buddy came up to me this year and he goes like this. First of all, he’s 42, okay? Forty-two. As in, almost dead. Okay? And he comes up to me and he goes like this, “Hey, man. Guess what.” First of all, don’t do “guess what” to me, okay? I’m 36. It’s not cute anymore. What am I supposed to be like? Oh, ah! “No, don’t give me any hints. I wanna figure it out myself.” It could be anything. If you do “guess what,” from now on this is my guess. Purple? That’s what it is. If it’s not purple, fucking tell me immediately. Save time. We’re both adults. Okay? The guy goes like this, “Uh, no, not purple. Um…” I’m turning 42 soon. “You gonna come to my birthday party?” In my heart I’m already like, “Fuck this guy” for even asking, all right? But in my head, as I’m trying to mull a polite way to decline the invitation, I realize I’m already going like this in the guy’s face, “No.” Right in his face. “No…” It felt good. It felt like the real me was coming out. It felt freeing like, “No.” It felt like I sang it, for real, right in his… ♪ [singing] No, I won’t go ♪ It felt like No: The Musical was about to start. ♪ I am not going ♪ People in the back: ♪ He won’t go He won’t go ♪ ♪ He won’t go ♪ ♪ I’m not going ♪ “Hey, Chris, you going to his party?” “No.” “Parties ain’t for me no more.” [scatting] ♪ Maybe in my 20s ♪ Some girl in a spotlight alone just like, ♪ I wish he’d come ♪ [sighs] ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ Meet… [chuckles] ♪ Meet me somewhere else ♪ I love when they hit the same note twice at the end. ♪ Meet me somewhere… ♪ [chuckles] ♪ Else ♪ That’s such a “fuck you,” you know? It really is. You want that extra high note. But some motherfuckers don’t give that shit to you. You know what you want. ♪ Meet me somewhere el… ♪ That’s what you want, right? But some dudes are like, ♪ Meet me somewhere el… ♪ And they’re like, “Fuck you. You don’t get that last note.” The balls you’ve gotta do to do that shit. [laughing] I don’t wanna go to your party, dude. What the fuck? Birthday party? Come on. I gotta get you a gift? Why? What happened? What? Nothing. You just waited. That’s all that happened. You didn’t die. And I gotta, like, buy you a VCR or some shit? That’s what I get everybody every year from now on. You’re getting a fucking VCR if you invite me. “Yeah, did you want that, motherfucker? I bet you did at one point.” Ah, man. Fuck it. That’s another thing I don’t wanna pretend to have to do, is… Is like the gift that you got me on my birthday. Right? If you came to my party and you gave me a gift that I didn’t like, know me better, friend. That’s your fault, right? ‘Cause that’s about the other person. Gotta make sure they feel okay about the gift they got, right? You gotta open it up like, “What? No way.” How did you know I wanted this specific thing even though I never said it out loud, even when I was alone? “And also, I don’t.” [audience laughing] Thought about no-gift thing ’cause here’s what happened when I turned 35, okay? My buddy bought me the gayest gift you could buy another heterosexual male. You know what he bought me? He bought me pants. Yeah. [audience laughing] Think about this. How could you be a grown man and buy another grown man pants without seeming like you suck all the dicks, okay? Here’s the gay part. They fit fantastic. [audience laughing] I don’t even know how he knew my size. I don’t even know my own size. I always have to try pants on. This dude literally eyeballed my hips. And he was like, “Looks like a 33.” And he fucking nailed it, okay? That’s gay. It’s gay. And by the way, that’s what I mean. I mean, it’s gay. I mean, it’s gay, all right? Saying it twice ’cause I wanna clarify. I want you guys to know that I mean it, okay? ‘Cause people get real sensitive when you use that term. Right? They’ll be like, “You know what? That’s not cool to use that word in a derogatory manner.” Yeah, I 100 percent agree with you. I don’t mean it in a derogatory way. I mean, it’s gay like fucking a guy, okay? [audience laughing] Buying your friends pants that fit is gay like fucking a guy. And that’s okay. Fuck guys all day long, yippee. But it’s gay like that, okay? It’s so gay, I think. [audience cheering] I actually think it’s gayer than fucking a guy. I do. I do. I think buying your friend’s pants that fit and wrapping them and waiting to give it to him is way gayer than just fucking him. I think that. I a hundred percent made up my mind. I’ve thought about this a lot, obviously. You can’t convince me otherwise. You know why it’s gayer to buy your friend’s pants that fit than it is to fuck him? Because fucking a guy is easy. That’s why it’s less gay. It’s so easy. I mean, you could fuck a guy even if you’re not gay. Relax. You don’t have to, but… you could, right? Like, you can’t build a restaurant if you’re not a fucking architect, right? Like, here, look, let me explain. Um… If I held a gun to your head… Don’t need a skill set is what I’m saying. You don’t need a skill set to fuck a guy, right? If I held a gun to your head and I said, “fucking, are you an architect?” And… [audience laughing] Okay, wait. And you were like, “No,” right? And I was like, “Well, you better build me a restaurant or I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out.” You’d have to be like, “Tell my family I love them.” [audience laughing] But if I held that same gun to your head and I said, “Are you gay?” And you were like, “No.” And I said, “Well, you better fuck a guy” or I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out.” You’d be like, “Where is he?” [audience laughing] That’s how easy it is. That’s how easy… That’s why it’s less gay in my head. Like, fuck… But, dude, buying a friend’s pants that fit and wrapping them… and knowing the size, that’s not easy. That’s difficult. That takes time. Gay time, okay? It’s a gay adventure. It’s a gay fucking errand. There’s levels of gayness to it. Like, look. Look, okay, I’m not gay, all right? Never had sex with a guy even once. [chuckles] Sounds funny to say it like that. Still means the same thing. But… [laughing] However, sometimes I’m so tired and so lazy that if somebody came up to me and they were like: “Hey, man… do you wanna buy your friend’s pants” that fit and wrap them and give them to him at his party for his birthday… or… [audience laughing] “Do you wanna just, like, fuck this guy right here?” I might be like: [Grumbles] “I mean, he’s right here. I don’t have to go to the car for that.” It’s so easy and that’s why it’s less gay. Dude, it’s so easy to fuck a guy. Could practically fuck a guy by mistake. That’s how… Not practically. You actually could. It’s very unlikely, don’t worry. But… I don’t mean the mistake where you’re, “Sorry, I thought it was a woman.” I mean, like, literally a mistake like… How? Okay, here’s how. Um… All right, so… if you were to walk into a room with your hard dick already out, okay? So far, every dude’s on board, right? Uh… [chuckles] And… And in the room, the floor is really slippery, okay? [chuckles] And on the floor there’s one dude face down… and he’s just spreading his asshole. Even if you slip, you’ll probably catch yourself. You’ll be like, “Whoa, that was a close one.” But there’s a chance you could fall the other way and be like, “What? No.” [shouts] Boink. Whoopsie. You fucked him by mistake, okay? But there is no way in hell that you can slip and fall and buy your friend’s pants that fit. [audience laughing] No matter how wet Macy’s is, it just can’t happen. It’s impossible. It won’t happen. [audience cheering] You can’t. You can’t be like, “Whoa, hey, wait a minute.” Those are cool pants. Do you have them in a size 33? Oh, I’ll take them. Thanks. “Hopefully I slip all the way over to your Gift Wrapping Department.” So, the pants fit good, you know? And, uh… But here’s what happened. So, my buddy called me, uh… who bought me the pants, he called me two weeks after. And he called me up and was like, “Hey, man, wanna get a cup of coffee?” And I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I’ll drink that shit right now, player.” I’m a G about my coffee. I don’t give a fuck, man. [Chuckles] “Put your fucking caffeine where your mouth is, coz.” [audience laughing] So, I went to go meet him for coffee, right? And as soon as I hung up the phone, I left my house. As soon as I got to my own door, I realized I wasn’t… I wasn’t wearing the pants that he got me, okay? I didn’t want the first time for him to see me since he got me the pants to show up and not be wearing the pants, right? ‘Cause then he would spot me and be like, “Hey, what’s up? Aw.” And then that made me be like: [Groans] So, I changed pants. I literally put on a cuter outfit to meet a dude, okay? That’s gay as shit. So… Now I got the pants on and, um, I show up to the coffee shop and I see him and he sees me and he goes like this, “Hey, what’s up?” Oh! And that made me go: [Shouts] Fuck this asshole. He’s controlling my life with pants. It’s pants control. So, now I’m uncomfortable. I’m like, “Let’s just get this over with,” right? So, we get the coffee, uh, we walk out to the patio. I’m with the dude who bought me the pants. I’m wearing the pants. We’re having a conversation, coffee. And as we’re doing this, a girl walks out of the coffee shop and she spots me and she actually says: “You know what? Those are some really cool pants.” I’m like, “Oh, cool.” At least I get to talk to a girl about it, right? My buddy leans in and says, “You know, I bought them for him.” [audience laughing] That’s way gayer than just fucking him. That’s what happens when you pretend. That’s what happens. Right? You get in a situation you’re not prepared to deal with ’cause you’re not being you. That’s what I did. When he bought me pants and I opened them, I should’ve said how I felt. I should’ve been like, “How did you know my size, you fucking weirdo?” [audience laughing] Instead I was like, “Oh, cool pants. I’ll wear them next time I see you.” I played the game and then the game played me. [audience laughing] Yup. But it’s hard, though, it is. It’s hard to not pretend. It’s hard to know who you are in any given situation and not pretend ever, right? Like, we all do it. We all pretend in moments. We all think we matter more than we actually do. Right? We all think we’re special, but we’re not. Right? You know the worst people nowadays that think they matter more than they actually matter, hands-down? People that work out and won’t shut the fuck up about it. I cannot stand that shit. Bang, bang, bang, click, click. Reload. Bang, bang, bang, I can’t stand it. Work out, go home. You don’t matter that much, okay? All this inspirational culture that’s going around, this fitspo lifestyle that they’re trying to convince you of. Who are you inspiring? That’s what I want to know. Right? These dudes will be like, “You know what? I used to weigh 90 pounds”, but now, through hard work, determination, perseverance, never backing down, not stopping, remaining focused, never veering off track, not looking over my shoulder, never dying, no days off, “now, I got bigger muscles.” Okay. You know what? Eat dicks. Okay? [audience cheering] Eat all the dicks you see around. If you’re like that, if you see a dick, you eat that shit. [mimics chewing sounds] Like that. Like a log trimmer, just: [Grunting] With dick chips spinning out of your mouth: [Grunting] Throw a dick up and just [grunts] swallow it whole. Where there’s a dick outline in your neck, muscle it down. That’s your new workout, okay? Eat dicks, of course. Like, you’re not really doing much, okay? Who the fuck are you inspiring? You’re not running for political office. You’re not joining the Army. All you do is move weight around and eat extra chicken, right? [audience laughing] You like protein? Cool. There’s protein in my dick. Eat it. [audience laughing] You work hard? Congratu-the fuck-lations. I work hard, too. I don’t hashtag it “blessed” all day long. Eat my dick. These guys are so self-involved. It’s so fucking annoying. They’re ridiculous. They’ll take a selfie in the mirror and be like: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” [audience laughing] No. Not really, man. You know why? You’re not a warrior. That’s why. Okay? You just, like, have a job at the movie theater or some shit. Keep your friends real close. See movies with them. It works out fine. You don’t rule the nation. [laughing] fucking, they’re ridiculous, these guys. They’re just ridiculous. “You know, I… Well, I’ve… Hey.” Just so you know… life is a journey, okay? It’s not about the destination. “It’s about the tools you use… and the path you take.” [audience laughing] Oh, really? I didn’t know I was dealing with the Dalai fucking Lama, dude. “You know, don’t be afraid to…” [laughing] “Don’t ever be afraid to reach your dreams.” Oh, cool, man. “Don’t ever fucking be afraid to make your dreams a reality…” and succeed, you know? I used to be a shell of a man, but now… Now I know exactly what’s inside that shell. [audience laughing] All equal parts that make me me. “Don’t ever be afraid of being you.” You know what my favorite one is? “Just be you. Everyone else is taken.” Fuck that shit. [audience cheering] “Hard work, determination, perseverance, never backing down, not stopping,” remaining focused, never quitting, fighting the desire, but also following the desire, never looking over your shoulder, fucking, army of one, no days off. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Buildings, robots, carpet, iPa…” You’re just saying words, okay? You like words? Here’s more. Eat my dick. There’s three. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [chuckling] Like, who the fuck are you inspiring? That’s what I wanna know. I wanna… That’s what I wanna know. I wanna know what guy sees that guy… and then gets inspired. Right? Like, what guy sees a poster with, like, a whale’s tail breaching out of the ocean and the word “perseverance” under it? – Hmm. [audience laughing] Let’s think hard about that. What guy sees a bunch of birds lined up on a tree branch and thinks “teamwork”? [audience laughing] Like, what guy scrolls through that Instagram post and is like: [Chuckles] Whoa. You ever think about that? You ever think about perseverance? You ever think about that? You ever think about taking no days off? You ever think about how you could do more if you didn’t take any days off? Ever think about how you’re an army of 1? ‘Cause you’re not more than other people? You ever think about how Rome wasn’t built in a day? You ever think about maybe it took a few days to build Rome? Nobody. You’re not… You’re not inspiring anybody. You know why? You know how I know? ‘Cause never in the history of man has any dude looked at another guy’s fit body and been like: “Wow, that guy’s in shape. I’m gonna create Microsoft.” That’s never fucking happened, okay? So, eat dicks. See, that’s what happens. That’s what happens when you lie to kids. That’s what happens. When you look at kids and you say: “You can do anything you put your mind to.” You get the motherfucker that grows up and believes that. He’s like, “fucking time to change the world.” Here we go. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. Let’s cure world hunger. Let’s try to cure world hunger. Here we go. [grunting] “Less people hungry yet?” [audience laughing] Don’t lie to kids. Right? I mean, I don’t know. That’s how I feel, though. Fuck that. I don’t have any kids yet, but when I have my first kid and that dude comes out, no way I’m saying, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” No way. Gonna look him in the eyes. First thing I say is: “You’re gonna fail a lot. Aah!” And run away. “Life’s full of hardships, buddy. [chuckles] Your first hardship is try and find me.” Pyoom! And just fucking… [audience laughing] [chuckles] fucking, pyoom, so fast that papers are floating to the ground like in the cartoons. I arrive at my next destination like: [Mimics vibration sounds] [laughing] [mimics sad muted trumpet sounds] What do I know? I’m saying don’t lie to kids. I have zero kids. I have zero boys, zero girls. That equals zero. I’ve been thinking about it, why I don’t have kids… you know, yet. And I think, really, honestly, the answer is if I’m being honest like I said I would, I wouldn’t pretend, and… But more importantly, if I’m being honest and not pretending the reason why I don’t have kids yet is because I’m scared, but more importantly, it’s because I’m selfish, man. For real. Like, I mean, but that’s the thing. You could be who you want when you don’t have kids. It doesn’t matter that much, right? Like, if you have a kid looking up at you that… As a role model, you gotta fucking take charge and do shit, right? But I don’t have to. Like, a lot of you guys fucking have kids at home, right? And you left them. You were like, “Bye, guys. We’ll be back later,” you know? And they were like, “Okay, can’t wait to see you when you get back.” Right? You’re thinking about them when you’re laughing. You’re like: “Ha, ha.” In your head you’re like, “I have a kid,” you know? That doesn’t leave you. For me, I’m selfish as shit. I leave the house, I don’t fucking have to tell anybody. Sometimes I pretend. I’m like, “Bye, guys, see you later. Ha, ha. You don’t exist.” I leave. [audience laughing] Having kids changes who you are. It doesn’t mean it changes who you are for the worse. It changes who you are for the better. But still, fuck that shit. I don’t wanna be better. I wanna be me. You can do… Be whatever you want. In my heart, honestly, I’m fucking cold sometimes, and it’s okay. Bad mood? I don’t have to watch myself ’cause I don’t have a kid looking up at me, right? It doesn’t matter. I could be looking at the guy at the gym. “You don’t matter that much. And fucking, no, I won’t come to your 42nd birthday party.” In my heart, I’m gangster as shit sometimes. Sometimes I look outside of my house in my neighborhood and I think, in this voice: “You know what? The streets is real out here.” And I know it to be true in my heart, okay? If I had a little kid looking up at me every single day, that would change who I was. Just like, “Hey, Dad, what are we going to do today?” “Yo, man, why you looking at me with them angel eyes, player?” Trying to keep the streets real. And you’re softening a motherfucker up, dawg. Fuck y’all, man. Making me emotional. Go to your room, player. Now. “fucking hard as shit up in this bitch.” Having kids changes who you are, for the better. Fuck it. It happened to my buddy. He used to be my best friend. Now he’s a dad. That’s how selfish I am. I can’t even have a best friend dad. I can’t. I get jealous of the kid for real. I’ll be like, “You’ve known me for nine years. She’s 4.” How do you explain your loyalty?” [audience laughing] He’ll be, “I took her to the park.” I’ll be, “You never took me to the park.” “I would… I would have driven you, so…” It’s interesting. It’s really interesting. Really. “I’m not mad, I just… I’m interested. I’m not mad.” Yeah, man, he had this fucking little girl. This little daughter girl. This little fucking… She’s 4 years old. They live in Texas, so, I haven’t met them yet. Right? Met them recently, but not when he called me up ’cause he… I live in L.A. He called me and was like, “Hey, enough’s enough.” I want you to meet my baby girl. She’s 4 already and… “We’re coming out to L.A. Are there hotels we could stay at?” And I just spoke immediately. I said, “No, stay at the house.” I didn’t even mean it. I just said it ’cause, like, I heard my dad say it once growing up, you know? You’re like, “I’m an adult now.” I even heard my dad’s East Coast accent come out. I was like, [in Italian accent] “Yeah, guys, come on over.” [in normal voice] It was like a fucking Olive Garden commercial or something. [in Italian accent] “Yeah, when you’re here, you’re family. Come on over.” There’s unlimited breadsticks at the house.” [in normal voice] And they came over and that fucking… That… I mean, that little girl was directly trying to affect how real I keep it on these streets, you know? She was looking at me all cute and soft and shit. First of all, her name is Anika, which is like, that’s so cute. Fuck that, right? I’m like, “How am I supposed to keep it real and call this girl Anika?” Fuck that. I’m gonna call her Rachel. That’s a regular-ass name.” [audience laughing] But you can’t call a 4-year-old girl a different name. That would fuck her up for life. Imagine her talking to her dad later on just like, “Hey, Dad, excuse me.” I have a question for you. Hey, Dad, excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad, how come your friend that looks like the guy from Sleepy Hollow, why does he…? [audience laughing] “Dad, excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Dad.” Why do little girls grab their pussies from behind? That’s so weird. Don’t go weird like I made them do it. That was Jesus Christ our Lord and savior that made them do that, okay? If he did anything, he did everything, including that, all right? He did it, like, on the eighth day or some shit. “And on the eighth day, little girls will grab their pussies from behind.” And even… And even the disciples were like, “Whoa, already?” Like, we can do that later.” He was like, “It’s what I thought of now. No order. We’ll get them all done.” And then he made lakes or whatever. “Hey, Dad. Excuse me, Dad.” I have a question for you. Hey, Dad. Can’t you see I have a question for you? Can I talk to you for a second? Can you be done with that right now? Hey, Dad. How come your friend that looks like a cool, young Bob Saget, why does he…? And he knows it. Why does he…? And he hates when people say that on Twitter. Why does he…? [audience laughing] Why does he call me Rachel? My name is Anika. Am I Rachel, too? I want to buy a bunny and then kill it. [audience laughing] “Anika loves bunnies, but Rachel doesn’t.” You know what I mean? That’s how that probably happens. [audience laughing] [audience member whistles] So… [chuckles] Thank you. So, now I gotta call this girl Anika against my better gangster judgment. They showed up, man. They showed up and stayed with me. ‘Cause I invited them. That’s how that works. And they showed up. And when they showed up, uh, my buddy, or Ryan, the dad, my ex-best friend, he walked in first. And this is how. He walked into my property and he’s walking in like thi… This is just how he walks in. He goes like this: “Hey, man.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What the fuck? Is a magic show about to start?” I have no idea what’s going on, right? But then I realize very quickly that he’s doing it like that ’cause little Anika is hiding behind his leg and he’s playing the dad part and he asks… He’s asking me… He asks me, he says, “Hey, man. By the way, have you seen Anika?” [audience laughing] And I’m like, “This motherfucker. Are you serious right now?” You and I both know where that bitch is. Come on, dawg. I’m trying to keep this shit real, man. Don’t make me eat your bullshit dad life. “Fuck y’all, man.” Didn’t give a shit how real I tried to keep it. He just tried to out-dad my realness. He just did it harder. He was like, “fucking, come on.” [audience laughing] And I’m stuck. I’m like, “Fuck, man. Come on, dawg.” This your life, motherfucker. “I’ve been looking around for her all day, dawg.” [audience laughing] That’s when she goes like this: “Here I am.” I’m like, “I knew where you were, bitch!” You’re not… You’re holding on to his leg. I can see your little fucking baby hands. “Disrespecting the hiding game on my property.” I’m back to pretending. I’m pretending again. Thirty-six, pretending I don’t know where this little girl is. I’m okay with calling her Anika, right? They stay with me for a week. You know how shit in life shapes you and it changes you and makes you who you are, right? When you’re a kid, you get a bunch of… When you’re Anika’s age, you got a bunch of moments that shape you and make you who you are. When you’re an adult, don’t happen much ’cause you are who you are. But they do happen, right? Maybe I’ve had four or five in my adult life. I had one while they were staying with me at the end that fucked me up, all right? It was where… It made me realize that, you know, I’m not Denzel and I’m not the man on fire. Life isn’t my movie and maybe that’s okay, all right? So, here’s what happened. I was, uh… I was on my couch watching my TV in my TV room in my house. I was watching this show I like to watch, which is The First 48, okay? If you haven’t seen the show, it’s graphic. It, like, shows dead bodies and families crying over loss of loved ones. And it’s confirming in my heart, you know what? The streets must be real out there. I knew that shit all along, player. So, I’m watching the show and I’m watching the show ’cause it’s what the fuck I wanna do, okay? Now, as I’m watching it, little Anika walks down the stairs, all right? Now, as I see her, my adult brain kicks in. The same brain that invited them over, all right? I was like, “You gotta change the channel. You can’t let her eyes see this” because she’ll grow up and kill bunnies, right?” So… I was like, “Good idea. You gotta change the channel.” So, I went to grab the remote. As soon as I grabbed the remote, my gangster side kicked in and I thought, “You fucking mark-ass bitch.” You going to let this ho run your life? Fuck that, man. You’re too real for this shit. “She’s gonna change you just like she did her father before you.” So, then I was like, “All right, I guess she gonna learn about life tonight.” So, I’m watching this show, doing what the fuck I wanna do and little Anika’s gotta do it, too, ’cause it’s what I wanna do, all right? Now, about 20 seconds goes by and I realize that, you know, she doesn’t really care what’s going on ’cause there’s no cartoons, right? So, I feel her kind of give up. And she looks over at me and she goes like this: “Hey, Chris.” I’m like, “Fuck, I didn’t know there was gonna be dialogue in this shit.” So, I turned over, I said, “Yeah, what the fuck you want?” [audience laughing] That’s how I sound in my head. I probably said something like, “Yes, sweetheart, how can I help you?” [chuckles] So, she looks at me and goes like this, “Well, um, I was wondering something.” Like, “Yeah, get on with that shit.” She goes like this, “Well.” [exhales sharply] She did that quick breath thing that kids do. I don’t know why they do that, but like, “Hey. [Exhales sharply] Sorry.” I don’t know how to do all of the stuffs yet. “I’m not in control of my faculties total at this point.” So, she looks at me and this is what she says. She says, “Well, I was wondering, um… do you want to see a secret garden?” [audience laughing] At this point, my adult brain and my gangster are confused as shit, okay? I looked at her, I said, “Yo, what?” She repeated herself like I was the fucking asshole in this conversation. She said, “I said… do you want to see a secret garden?” And, you know, I mean, like, yeah, kind of, you know? Probably not a secret garden she’s gonna show, but on the off chance she’s right, what is it like, right? Are there dragons there, flowers with dicks on them? Whatever there are, I wanna Facebook about it, okay? So, I’m curious now. So, I grab the remote and I pause my show. And I look at her and I say, “Okay, show me the secret garden.” And she got so fucking excited. She goes like this, “Okay. Come on, follow me.” And she starts walking around like this, like some shitty underwater explorer, okay? And I follow her. I catch myself doing the same fucking thing. I’m walking around my own house like, hey, anything could pop up around any one of these corners. No, it can’t. It’s my house. I put everything in it, okay? So, now, she leads me through the kitchen twice. Okay? Yeah, and I’m like, “Yo, does she know where the secret garden is or what?” So, I casually mention to her, I was like, “You know, uh… [chuckles]” We went through the kitchen two times. So, like, what’s the deal with that? “You know where this shit is or what?” Again, like I’m the asshole she responded. She says, “I know that, okay?” We had to do that ’cause that’s how you open up the portal to get there.” I have no idea. I’m like, “You just take the wheel.” No idea what’s going on. I mentioned… I was like, “Is there maybe a quicker way to go because my show’s still on.” And she goes like this, “Okay, come on, let’s take the shortcut.” I didn’t say it, but I definitely thought, next time start with the fucking shortcut. So, she leads me outside to my backyard and she goes like this, “Here it is.” “No, no. This isn’t a secret at all.” I’ve known about this place since I bought it. It’s my own backyard. I’ve had it for three years. “My dogs shit here. They know about it, too.” I thought she was gonna change who I was. Instead, I checked into my gangster heart. I looked in her eyes and I thought, “Just another lying-ass bitch.” [audience laughing] I’ve been down this road before. Betrayal is a motherfucker. “That’s how you got so real in the first place, dawg.” So, I looked at her and I went, “fucking peace.” And I pivoted and I walked back to my house. I took about three or four steps and that’s when I heard, “Hey, Chris.” I’m like, “Oh, shit. She got more heat for that ass, huh?” Fuck that. She ain’t changing nothing. You’re still real as fuck. “See what the hell she want.” So, I turn around and say, “Yeah? What the fuck you want now?” And this time she’s pointing and she says, “Hey, look, there’s an orange tree.” And I looked and there was an orange tree. I have an orange tree. I didn’t know that, okay? [audience laughing] That’s a secret, but still, fuck her. She didn’t know, right? I was surprised. I was like, “Shit. How you…? Oh, my God, you brought this like you brought this shit with you.” But I played it cool. I was like, “All right, yeah.” Thanks for showing me that shit that I 100 percent already knew that I definitely without a doubt already had. “Peace.” So, I took a few steps back to my house. And that’s when I heard in the background, “Hey, Chris.” “Like, she really trying to change a motherfucker. Fuck that.” She ain’t changing nothing. You… Well, you do now have an orange tree that you didn’t know about. But that don’t change who you are on the inside. Now, basically, you’re still the same you. Only you can enjoy a delicious orange whenever you so choose. Yeah, player. Good logic. “See what the fuck she want now.” So, I turn around real as fuck and I say, “Yeah? What the fuck you want now?” She’s still pointing, not wavering at all, being a kid, and she says, “Well, um, do you want to pick one?” And I’m like, “Man, I don’t give a fuck about this whole situation”, but… I am taller than you and… logistically, it does make sense.” So, I grabbed the orange like a boss and I handed it to her. And in my head I thought, “Don’t ever say I never did nothing for you.” A favor for a favor. That’s the code of the streets. You hear me? One day, and it may not be tomorrow, I may come knocking on your door “and ask you for, like, a banana or some shit. Anyway… bye.” I pivot. I take a few steps back to my house. And that’s when I hear in the background again, “Hey, Chris.” Like, “She really sinking her hooks in, man. Fuck that.” You’re real. Take them hooks out. Show her what’s up.” So, I turned around and said, “Yeah, what the fuck you want now?” She’s still standing there, not wavering at all. Not caring how real I’m trying to keep it, just being a kid. And she says, “Well, um, do you want to pick one for yourself?” [audience] Aw. No, don’t go “aw,” fuck this bitch. She’s changing you and she’s not even really here right now. Know how hard it was to keep streets real while looking at her fucking angel eyes? But I did want one. I mean, they looked so fucking good. [audience laughing] So, I was like, “Man, you know what? Let’s strike a deal, man.” You could eat that shit and pick that orange as long as you do it while you’re keeping it real and you eat it while you’re watching The First 48. “Yeah, player. Good logic.” So, I grabbed it. And she was being so cute that, like, she was really starting to make me fucking emotional. I went… I went, “Bye.” I barely looked at her. I went, “Okay, bye.” And I pivoted and I walked back quickly. As soon as I touched the doorknob of my door, I hear in the background: “Hey, Chris.” And I’m running on empty. I got no gas left in the tank. I take my last breath, I turn around and I say: “Yeah, what the fuck you want now?” And she knew she had me. She was even cuter at this point. She was smaller, her eyes got bigger. Someone did her hair in the meantime. And she looks at me, no bullshit, and she actually says: “Well, I was wondering, um, do you want to come to my birthday party?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [♪♪♪] ♪ Fire Man ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ ♪ Fire ♪ Yo, is this off or what? It is, right? Whoa, you’ve got to fix this shit. [woman] Sorry. Sorry. Are we good? – What? [woman] I said, sorry. You did this shit? What, are you fucking telepathic? [audience laughing] Starts cutting out and shit like an M. Night Shyamalan movie or shit. Oh, fuck. “I’m sorry.” It’s fucking… You guys fucking apologize over everything. [audience cheering] Literally… Literally had nothing to do with it. “I’m sorry.” “Was that you?” “No, but, you know, the universe. I’m in it.” [audience laughing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

CHRIS D’ELIA: WHITE MALE. BLACK COMIC. (2013) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-d-elia-white-male-black-comic-transcript/

Man: [rapping] ♪ damn, damn, damn ♪ ♪ feel my flow, act like you don’t know ♪ ♪ but you do, it’s chad smith ♪ ♪ who are you? ♪ ♪ Come through the door, and the party for sho ♪ ♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪ ♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪ ♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪ ♪ after that, does it hurt? ♪ ♪ And make it jerk ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, rocking, right? ♪ ♪ Something like every night ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ that’s what I do ♪ ♪ short hair on a bitch is cool ♪ ♪ we’re changing a little bit ♪ [Rap music continues] [Cheers and applause continue] D’Elia: What’s up?! Thank you for coming out here, man. New Orleans — all right, this is awesome, man. Man: [shouts indistinctly] D’Elia: Yeah, man. Careful with that, man. [Laughter] People in New Orleans are always drunk. [Laughter] all the time. It’s like 11:00 in the morning, and people are just like [grunts drunkenly] [Laughter] “whatever! “Drink it. Let’s bring it outside. We can drink outside, man.” People get drunk, man. Dudes get drunk. Nobody gets more drunk than a girl, man. [Laughter] yeah, girls get way drunker than dudes. Yeah. No, it’s true. Girls get drunk. [Slurring] “hey, you know what? Uh, excuse me. Uh…” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Normal voice] I always knew when my ex would get way too drunk ’cause she would always say this. [Slurring] “guess what? You do the math.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] like, “yo, I did the math. Eight shots equals too many.” [Laughter] [slurring] “yeah, exactly, exactly. So, uh, what’s your point? What’s your point?” [Laughter] “exactly, yeah. Exactly!” [Laughter] [Normal voice] one drunk girl, I can handle. I can’t handle more than one. Girls get drunk when they’re together, it’s way worse. They’re like voltron. Their powers are much stronger when combined. [Slurring] “yeah, I’ll form the head. Whoo!” [Normal voice] girls get drunk, man, they act like it’s an accomplishment. They’ll have one too many drinks and be like, [slurring] “we made it!” [Laughter] “whoo! We did it! We made it! Ooh, ooh!” [Laughter] “da-da!” [Normal voice] what did you make? You made a fool of yourself, is what you made. Girl get drunk, man, and they don’t even know what they’re talking about. They think they do. [Slurring] “hey, get guess? You don’t even know — you know what is it?” [Laughter] “excuse me. Where — where are you going? You don’t know what it is it?” [Laughter] “yeah, you don’t know what is [mumbling] is that what it is? O-o-h!” [Laughter] “excuse me. [Mumbles] saying it? “What it is, isn’t it worth saying? “[Mumbling] Barack Obama. Is that what it is?” “Yeah. Yes, exactly. It doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t even matter.” [Normal voice] nothing matters to a drunk girl at all. [Laughter] nothing! You’d be like, “yo, there’s a crocodile right next to you.” [Slurring] “uh, excuse me. I have a question for you.” [Laughter] “uh, is it your crocodile?” [Laughter] “no, exactly.” [Normal voice] they’ll just add to it. [Slurring] “you’re afraid that it’s gonna take your job. “Is that what it is? “Are you scared a crocodile is gonna take your job? “Hello, it doesn’t even have pants on. “You can’t — how many people have no pants with a job? You can’t.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “do you even need me for this conversation?” [Slurring] “no, I don’t need it. “I don’t need it. I’m an independent woman. “I don’t need you! I don’t need your help. “I just sit here. The shoes on my feet. I bought them. I don’t care.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “You don’t know me. “You — you’re saying that you know me, “all of the friends around. [Gags] if you — hey.” [Laughter] “you’re saying that you ‘know’ me “with [gags] all the friends around. “No. [Gags] “you know? [Gags]” [Normal voice] hey, drunk girls are the only people on the planet that can almost throw up and not care about it at all. [Laughter] right? If you’re a dude and you almost throw up, you know “game over” immediately, right? You’ll be like, “hey, bro [gags] get my things!” [Laughter] “[gags] nobody move! Stay where you [gagging]” girls don’t do that. Girls don’t care at all. Girls just be like… [Slurring] “hey [gags] where are you going?” [Laughter] “[gags] “[giggles drunkenly] [gags] this is my song!” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “[gags] “I love this song! “[Gags] I love Rihanna, I love Rihanna! “[Gags] I’m Rihanna! I’m her! [Gags]” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, you almost threw up.” [Slurring] “it doesn’t even matter.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] girls get that drunk. Dudes don’t. Dudes don’t get that drunk, man. Girls get drunk, and they’ll dance around. Dudes get drunk, they just sit down, right? That’s a dude move. A dude will have one too many drinks and just be like, [slurring] “hey, you know what I mean? Um, all right, forget it.” [Laughter] “you know what I mean? “I hate this party. Screw this party. I hate this party.” [Normal voice] they’re not even at a party. Just [slurring] “everybody out! Now! I want everybody out! Out!” [Normal voice] they’re alone in their bed. “Get out!” [Slurring] “everybody, out. Let’s go get fast food now.” [Laughs] that’s the move, man. That’s — all my friends will get drunk, and then at the end of the night, they want to get fast food. That’s a move, man. But I’m never more annoyed than when I’m at the drive-through, and there’s drunk people in the backseat, right? It’s so annoying, man, ’cause they always order better than you. You know what I mean? Like, first of all, it’s easy. I got it. Second of all, I’m the sober one, so you relax, okay? There’s always somebody in the back just like, [slurring] “hey, get me a seven. I want a seven!” “I want a — tom, tell the guy I want a seven. “Tell the guy. Hey, you, tell him to tell the guy I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shut up. Shut up.” [Slurring] “what? Why would I be quiet? Why? “You know what? “Maybe if I didn’t want a seven, then I’d be like… “But I do. “[Gags] I do. I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shh! Be quiet.” [Slurring] “what?” [Normal voice] “I already ordered the seven. “If you order the seven, then we’re gonna get two sevens. I don’t want two sevens.” [Slurring] “I don’t want two sevens. “I want one seven, okay? “Maybe if I wanted two sevens, I would get a 14, okay? “But I don’t. “[Gags] “I don’t want that. You do the math. I don’t want that. I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet.” You’re not even at the drive-through yet. You’re at a red light on canal street. [Cheers and applause] She’s screaming at a Kinko’s with the window rolled up. [Slurring] “I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet!” And why is there always some jerk sitting next to her that’s just like, “seriously, bro, just get her a seven”? [Laughter] [slurring] “I hate this party. Everybody out.” [Normal voice] Girls get drunk like that, man. You ever see a girl get so drunk it looks like she goes back in time for three seconds? That’s a move girls have. They’ll just be like, [slurring] “hey!” [Inhales deeply] “where am i? Oh, I’m still here. It doesn’t even matter.” [Gags] [Normal voice] yeah, girls don’t make sense. You never understand — when they’re drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, but, also, when girls are not drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, man. Yeah! [Cheers and applause] [laughs] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s true. This one’s like, “no. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. It’s not. It’s not.” It’s not? It’s not? Yeah, the dude’s with her. He’s like, “it’s not, man. It’s not.” [Laughter] “it’s not, honey. It’s not.” [Laughter] yeah, girls do — girls do just talk, though. See, right there. Girls love chiming in, right? [Laughs] nobody likes chiming in more than a girl. Girl will just be like, “you know what else?” And you’re like, “yeah, yeah. What?” “I don’t know. Just, like, what are you guys talking about?” Yeah, yeah. Cool, man. Girls like to use words — sometimes they don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about. Like, the words that they use, they’re not even in the right place. Girls pick words that they like and then just run with it. Girls are on some new thing where they’re calling everything random. Girls will say something’s random, it’s not even random. A girl will be like, “oh, my god, you’re wearing a jacket. That’s so random.” It’s not random. It’s winter. You know what I mean? [Laughter] yeah, you know what would be random? If it wasn’t winter, I was still wearing a jacket, and then I ate a monkey. That would be random. [Laughter] I had a girl tell me the other day this. She said, “you know what? You text me at the most random times in the day.” I was like, “really? When are those times? Like, when are random times that happen during the day?” She was like, “I don’t know. It’s just random whenever you text me, god.” I was like, “yeah, but tell me when those random times are so I can text you the other times, yeah?” This is what she hit me with. She said, “I don’t know. “Whatever’s random to one person isn’t necessarily random to the next.” [Laughter] like, yo, you can’t just make up a saying like you’re Yoda, and then the conversation’s over. You got to mean something when you talk, and don’t tweet a picture of a salad. That’s the main point I’m trying to get at. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Girls do just use words. Sometimes they use phrases. They don’t even think about what they mean. Here’s something common a girl would say when you’re trying to have sex with her. This is something a girl says often when you’re trying to get her into bed. She’ll go like this. “Um, hello, you can’t handle this.” [Laughs] “uh, excuse me. You think you can’t handle this? No, you can’t handle this.” [Normal voice] yo, I can! [Laughter] what are you talking about? It’s just sex. I’ve had it six times before. I know how it goes down. [Laughter] [applause] yo, I go inside you. 4 1/2 Minutes, it’s over. That’s what happens, man. Yeah, I end up feeling good. You feel kind of okay. That’s what happens, man. What do you mean I can’t handle it? You’re acting like when I slip inside you, the s.w.a.t. Team is gonna burst through the door and arrest my ass. I couldn’t handle that. Guess what? That would be random. [Laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah, man. Pow-pow, pow-pow-pow, pow-pow-pow-pow. Yeah. Hell, yeah, man. Girls do just talk and say stuff. Sometimes they don’t think about it. I mean, maybe it’s the girls I’m hanging out with. Whatever. You know. It’s probably half my fault. Don’t laugh at that. But, you know… I mean, I was on a date recently with this girl, and this is what she said in the middle of the date. She looks at me, and she goes like this. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” [Laughter] yeah. But because you want to fuck her, you’ll be like, “oh, yeah, I know, right? Why are they everywhere? What?!” You’ll add to it. “Some are little, and then they grow up, right? “What is that? They’re like kids, but they’re trees. What?!” If your friend heard you say that, they would punch you in the face immediately. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” When she first said that, I was mad at her immediately. I was like, “man, now I’ve got to talk about trees for the next few minutes, like I care.” And then I realized quickly that it’s not even her fault that she’s talking about trees, man. It’s all the dudes before me that she dated’s fault for agreeing with whatever the hell she’s talking about so she doesn’t have to develop a personality. [Cheers and applause] Hey, fellas, that’s your job to nip that in the bud, okay? If you’re on a date and a girl says something crazy like, “oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees,” you look her right in the eyes and you say, “nah. Fuck trees.” [Laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah, man. That will definitely start an argument, though. Don’t do that. “What do you mean?” My ex used to argue all the time, man, with me. And we would argue so much that she would always blame it on her period, which was terrible, man. You can’t do that two times in one month. Like, I know… I know how many times it happens during one month, and that’s one time. Yo, I didn’t know this, though. By the way, I’m an idiot. Let me just say that. And, girls, vouch for this. For real — be honest. When you guys hang out together and become friends, you guys all get your periods at the same time, right? Right? Yo, what kind of weird mutant “x-men” shit is that? [Laughter] no. Look at you clapping. “Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, we do. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.” “Are you on it?” “Me too!” “I’m on it, too!” “You are, too?” “We’re all on it!” Dude, girls, that’s so weird, man. That would be the worst superpower ever. How would you fight crime with that? Could you imagine? Just… “Stop, evildoer.” [Laughter] “aah! “Did you just do what I think you did?! I’m out of here!” He starts to run away. “Not so fast!” [Laughter] that joke hurts my head and my knees. [Laughs] yo, my buddy told me he’s dating a dude recently. I didn’t know he was gay at all. It was weird, man. But I knew this guy for like seven years, but he told me in a weird way. He was like, “hey, man, I’m dating this dude, “and what happened was, we were hanging out the other day. It was hilarious.” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” [Laughter] “back up. You’re gay?” And this is what he says. He says, “eh, that’s not the point of the story.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, that’s definitely the point of the story for me. You’re gay?” And he says, “nah.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, how do you figure you’re not gay “if you’re dating a dude? “That’s the gayest thing I can come up with “in the next five minutes for sure. Explain yourself.” This is what he hit me with. He said, “yeah, I don’t really look at it like that, you know? “I didn’t fall in love with a dude. I fell in love with a person.” I’m like, “yo, that’s gayer than what you just said!” [Laughter] [applause] “are you doing poetry? That’s really gay. “Just, ‘i didn’t fall in love with a man. I fell in love with his soul.’ [Laughs merrily]” [Laughter] my other friend won’t even talk to him anymore. He’s all mad. He’s like, “man, he lied to us. “That’s the crew. You never do that to the crew. “You never lie or keep secrets from the crew. He’s untrustworthy. Man, death before dishonor.” He said that part, which [laughs] yo, you can’t — he works at a crate & barrel. You can’t say… [Laughter] you cannot say, “death before dishonor” [laughs] if you work at crate & barrel. That’s reserved only for generals and Tupac. That’s it, you know? [Laughter] but he was hating on him, man. He was like, “what, he’s gay? I’ll never” — here’s the deal. I don’t know why — I don’t know why everybody doesn’t know this, okay? If you hate gay people for no reason, straight-up, you’re gay, all right? [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Nobody hates somebody else for doing something that doesn’t affect or involve them at all unless it stirs up some weird feelings inside of them that they haven’t figured out themselves yet. That’s the truth, okay? [Cheers and applause] My buddy got mad. He was like, “what?! “He’s gay?! No way! “I’ll never hang out with him again! “That’s ridiculous! Does he want to fuck me? I’ll never hang out with him again!” “That’s a choice he made! He’s not born that way! “He needs to be on his own island “until he un-chooses to be gay, “then maybe he can come back here! “Maybe I’ll hang out with him again! “That’s how much I hate gay people! Man, I hate gay people!” I’m like, “first of all, relax. We’re at starbucks. Just chill out…” [Laughter] “…and dial it down ’cause there’s a lot of gay people in here always.” [Laughter] if that’s how you feel, you’re gay, all right? It’s fine. Just come to terms with it.” Let me put it into perspective, okay? Imagine hanging out with your friend and all of a sudden, he jumps up. He’s like, “you know what? Fuck butterfingers!” [Laughs] [Laughter] “I would never eat a butterfinger ever! “I hate going to 7-eleven “and seeing butterfingers grouped in “with the other candies like they belong! “Matter of fact, they need their own convenience store “called the butterfinger store, “and I would never be caught dead inside that store! “Even if I needed to go near that store, “I would an alternate route and go the opposite side of town “to a different store! “That’s how much I hate butterfingers! Man, I hate butterfingers!” You’d be like, “yo, what happened between you and a butterfinger?” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “what — whatever. One time in college.” [Laughs] “I had one butterfinger. Who cares? I put it in my butt. Whatever.” [Laughter] “there’s no wrong way to eat it.” [Laughs] “it was random.” [Laughter] have sex with whoever you want to. It’s hard enough to find somebody that wants to have sex with you, man. You want to have sex with a girl, have sex with a girl. You want to fuck a dude, you know what? Fuck that dude! [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yeah, for real — hard! Who cares? You know what I mean? Have sex with whoever you want to, uh, if they want to. Don’t — okay, here’s… [Laughter] [applause] this is very important, this next part. Listen [chuckles] listen to this part, okay? If you don’t listen to anything, listen to this part, all right? If you want to have sex with somebody, and you’re like, “hey, I want to have sex with you,” and the other person’s like, “yeah!” Do it for sure. But [laughing] if you want to fuck someone and you’re like, “hey, I want to fuck you,” and the other person’s like, “no!” Don’t do it. [Laughter and applause] yeah, you’ll go to jail for a long time, man. That’s rape. Don’t do that ever, man. Yo, I love doing this, man — stand-up, not talking about rape. [Laughter] but, you know, I mean, that’s what I’m saying. Like, don’t judge someone else for who they are attracted. They can’t even help it, you know? It’s hard enough to find somebody, like — I mean, it’s hard to get laid. I mean, not for me. But you know what I mean? Like, you got to… [Laughter] [laughs] [Laughter] it is, though, man. It’s hard, man, ’cause girls are just always like — guys are always just like, “hey, uh, come on, you know?” And girls are just like, “no-o-o.” [Laughter] and guys are like, “well, come on, now. Maybe — maybe, though?” [Laughs] and girls are like, “mnh-mnh-mnh!” “Oh, man, what about now?” “No, I don’t do that. I don’t just do that. “I don’t just, like, sleep around. “I don’t just do that. I don’t fuck around,” and we’re like, “cool, I don’t want to fuck around. I want to fuck you right here.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I can’t just do it. “I can’t let my emotions — “I can’t separate the two, you know? “It’s like — it’s like all in one encompassing thing. “Like, you can’t — like, I don’t just have sex. “Like, I want to just, like — I can’t. “Trust me, I wish I could do it. I wish. “I wish I could do it, but I can’t do it. Like, for instance, my friend –” “what’s her number?” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [chuckles] “I don’t just give my body to whoever wants my body.” [Laughs] “I wait. I wait to pick someone, and then I make love.” [Laughter] “I like to make love. “I don’t just sleep around. I make love. That’s what I call it — making love.” All right, cool, whatever. Call it whatever you want. I don’t care, call it Nintendo. It doesn’t matter. As long as I’m inside you, it feels like fucking. That’s all, you know? Woman: Whoo! D’Elia: Sluts. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Laughs] We must be wrong at this making-love nonsense, because we’re the only species that does it. There’s no other species on the planet that does it. We have to take each other out and impress each other and court each other and, like, take each other to applebee’s or whatever. Like, you can’t — like, there’s no bears ever at applebee’s, ever. You know what I mean? Like, even if they’re at applebee’s, people get called to get these bears out of applebee’s. That’s awesome! Bears aren’t even allowed to make love, is my point. You know, they just walk up to each other. They’re like, “bah, I’m a bear. You’re a bear, too. [Roars]” and then they do it. That’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no courting, no nothing, man! Imagine — hey, yo. You know how weird it would be if you saw two bears legitimately making love? I mean, hey, yo, okay. Imagine you’re walking through the forest, and imagine you — shut the fuck up. Imagine you’re walking through the forest. [Cheers and applause] Hey, sweetheart, here’s the thing, man. This is the best. I love when a girl does this and acts up and starts screaming out, okay, because here’s what you think, okay? What you think is, you’re making the show better, right? Because what you do is go, “ah, ha ha,” and say some dumb thing. And then I come in and say something, and then everyone laughs. So you go home, and she’s like, “oh, my god. I made the show so much better.” Yo! Hey, yo. No, you didn’t. You fucked it up. I fixed it ’cause I’m hilarious. [Cheers and applause] Yeah, man. That’s cool. That’ll be on the deleted scenes. You don’t like to make love. You like to straight fuck, huh? But that’s the thing, man. Bears — they don’t make love. You know how crazy it would be? Hey, we got to be doing it wrong if we’re the only species that does it. You know how crazy it would be if you were walking through the forest and you saw [laughs] hey, and you saw two bears — all right, hey, what if you were walking through the [laughs] yeah, what if you were walking through the forest and you saw two bears, like, legitimately making love? Like, it [laughs] [Laughter] like, yeah, it wasn’t even doggie style. That’s how you knew it was love. [Laughs] like, it was like face-to-face. Like — like, they had, like, eye contact. Like, they were doing it [laughs] like, kissing, like, tongue kissing, like [splutters] like, with their jaws and [laughs] on a blanket — on a blanket. [Laughter] on a blanket, and there was, like, an iPod on, and you saw the — you saw the male bear pick the song. He was like, “[roars] Michael Bublé, bah!” Or whatever. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yo, that would mess you up for a whole week, at least, man! You definitely wouldn’t listen to Michael Bublé anymore! [Laughter] we’re the only species that listens to Michael Bublé when we have sex! That’s got to be wrong, man! All right? And every time I talk about this — every time I talk about this onstage, there’s always some jerk that comes up to me after my show that’s like, “hey, uh, yo, “we’re not the only species that makes love. Uh, ever hear of dolphins?” Yeah, yeah, bro. Shut the fuck up, man. [Laughter] yeah, you need arms to make love, for real. You need to hold each other and caress each other and kiss and light candles. You can’t “[chirping]” yo. [Laughs] hey, there’s nothing lovely about [chirping] if I was having sex with you, and all of a sudden I just went [chirping] you’d be like, “yo, get out of here!” And I would get out. I would be like, “it’s ’cause of that “ah-ah-ah” thing, right?” [Laughter] we’re the only species that makes love. It must be wrong. You know what peacocks do to get laid? They do one thing. They don’t have nice cars. They don’t comb their hair or have good jobs to get laid. They do one thing, and one thing only, and it’s this. [Blows] and they just prance around like, “you know, you probably want to have sex with me, right?” [Laughter] and the girl’s like, “oh, my god, yes, I want to have sex with you right now.” Or she’s like, “I don’t like the way you do it. I like the way your friend does it. Bye!” But that’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no nothing, man! [Laughter] how come we can’t be like that? You know how cool it would be if we have mating calls or something? [Laughs] [Laughter] we’d be at a bar with our friends. We’d be hanging out, and we see a girl. All of a sudden, it’d be on right then. We’d be like, “yeah, man, “you got me last year with that fantasy draft, “but this year, I’m coming for you, man. “Make no mistakes. I’m getting Lebron, and I — “oh, damn, you see that girl right there? “I got this. Hold on one second.” “[Squawks]” [Laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] “[squawking]” if she liked you, she’d just “[bleating]” “[squawks]” “[bleats]” that’d be the most annoying bar ever. Hey, but at least you wouldn’t have to go to applebee’s. [Laughs] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yeah, man. Yo, but we’re still human, right? We couldn’t handle that mating-call thing, ’cause we would try to get a girl, and then our buddy would want her more, and he would mess our game up, man. He’d be the peacock blocker. [Laughter] dudes try to get laid so much, man. It’s so funny. And they all think they got it, you know? All these dudes are like, “yeah. She likes me.” No, she doesn’t, man. You suck. We all suck, man. For real. My favorite thing is when dudes think they got it. Like, they use their only thing that they know how to do to get laid, right? Like, my favorite dudes that do this are like this. Like, those extreme, big-muscle bodybuilder-type dudes that think that girls like that because that’s — yo, girls don’t care about the biggest dude ever anymore. Nobody cares about the — it’s not the 1200s. It’s now. Girls don’t care about that. And all these dudes are just working out. “Rah! All these girls love me! “All these girls want me! “They all want me! Rah! “I’m the biggest dude ever, and all these girls are looking at me.” Yeah, they are all looking at you, but they’re doing it like this. “Ew!” [Cheers and applause] I never heard a girl ever say this. “Oh, my god, I want my boyfriend to be extra veiny.” I’ve never heard that. I’ve never heard a girl say, “I want my man — “okay, first of all, it’s okay if he’s white, “but I want him to be so tan “that he’s darker than a black guy. That’s what I want.” The only reason to build your body up is if you’re competing, and even that is terrible. You look like an idiot. [Laughs] yo, those poses are the worst poses ever. There’s no way you’re getting laid after these girls see you posing like that. There’s no way any girl wants to have sex with a dude after they see him do this. [Laughter] yo, man. Hey, my favorite is when they pose the legs, though, ’cause for a split second, you don’t have a clue what they’re posing, right? ‘Cause it’s obvious when they do this, that’s the bicep. That’s the tricep, right? These are lats. Whatever. I love when they pose the legs, because when they come out, they go like this. Like, “yo, is a magic show about to start? What’s happening, man?” Are they trying to change the weather? Like [laughs] [grunts] and…it’s sunny. You’re welcome. Yeah, man. We’re all trying to find that person, though. But it’s hard to hit on girls nowadays. It’s real hard, ’cause they know what’s coming immediately, right? Girls know — when we come up to you, you know what we want immediately. You just know, right? It’s not like the ’40s anymore. Yo, in the ’40s, a dude could hit on a girl, and she didn’t even know what was happening till that couple had a baby. For real. Dudes were afraid to say what we say nowadays. They would just walk up to a girl and be all cryptic and do it in code and say something crafty like, “hey, you know, you look mighty fine in the sunlight.” [Laughter] that would catch a girl off-guard. She would just, “[gasping] oh, my. A gentleman suitor.” [Laughter] and then the dude would even be more cryptic and say something like, “well, maybe one day, I could be around the same area as your father.” [Laughter] and then the girl wouldn’t know what to say. She would respond with something even more cryptic, like, “maybe one day you could take me for a ride.” What are you talking about, man?! And then that girl would get all gigly ’cause she met a boy, right? In the ’40s, when girls met boys, they would just, “[giggling] oh, my god!” They’d run to their friends, right? And their friends would already be giggling in the room. “[Giggling] “oh, my god, carol, what happened? Why is your face so happy?” “No, no, I don’t want to talk about it. No.” “Yes, carol, but you must.” “No! [Giggling]” “carol met a boy today.” “No. No, I didn’t. Don’t spill the beans. No!” “She met a boy. I saw it.” “No!” And then she would explain what happened, but she would be even more cryptic, ’cause she didn’t know what was going on. She would just say something like, “well, I just like how he’s not full of banana oil like the rest of the boys.” “Yeah, carol likes how he has moxie.” What the hell is moxie, and what are you talking about? Just have a baby. But, see, what happened was, that sunlight dude and carol got together, had a baby, and then those babies grew up, and we’re all sitting here right now. That’s who we are. But now, the girls are hip to the game, man. We walk up to a girl, they know exactly what we want. We’ll be like, “hey. Hey. What’s up? Um, you know, you maybe want to, um, like, hang out sometime?” “Um, no. You’re a creepy asshole.” [Cheers and applause] “Oh, yeah. You’re right. You’re right. “No, she’s right. I wish I had moxie.” Yeah, man. It doesn’t matter anymore how cool you look, what you drive. Nobody cares. There are other cars out there with dudes in them. Girls don’t care. [Laughs] Doesn’t matter. You need to come in at an angle, man. Like, you need to be cool. Like, that’s why I see British dudes with the hottest girls ever, especially in L.A. British dudes will walk around with the hottest girls ever ’cause they look regular, but then when they talk, they’re like, [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing?” [Normal voice] right? Girls can’t mess with that, just… [British accent] “Hello. How are you?” [Normal voice] “Aah! Are you for real?!” [British accent] “Yes, I am quite for real. “Hello. You look beautiful in this outfit you put together. I would like to take you to the library.” [Normal voice] or whatever they say. I don’t know. [British accent] “no, I haven’t read all the books.” [Laughter] woman: all right, baby! [Cheers and applause] D’Elia: [Normal voice] Hey, how come, when British people walk around, they always have their heads wobbling? [British accent] why do they always have their heads wobbling like that? They do it, though. [Laughs] you know why they do that? ‘Cause they’ll go to the library, read the books, gain the information, and then just kind of jostle it around in their head like that. [Laughter] [applause] [laughs] they’ll go to the library, check out a bunch of books, read them, and then just bounce it around in their noggin. [Laughter] literally, that’s what they’ll do. “Literally — I will literally do that.” [Normal voice] British people always say “literally.” They say “literally” way too much, man. They say “literally –” it’s like they’re trying to prove how british they are. “[British accent] I’m literally British. Literally — I’m literally British.” [Normal voice] they’ll say it when they don’t even need to. He’ll be like, “I literally ate a hot dog.” Like, what do you mean? You had lunch? [British accent] “no. I literally stuffed it in me mouth “to where I literally chewed it up with me incisors “till it literally traveled down me esophagus “at a snail’s pace “to where it literally stayed in me stomach region “for literally, like, four hours until I literally expelled it out me back end.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] yo, one time I was talking about British dudes on stage like this. And afterward, one was in my show, he got so mad. Yo, British dudes get mad. He came up to me, he was like, [British accent] “hey, can I talk to you for a second?” [Normal voice] I was like, “what’s up?” He’s like [British accent] “first of all, we don’t all talk like that.” [Normal voice] I’m like, “that’s cool, “but then you’ve got to change your voice immediately, ’cause that’s exactly how I just sounded, you know what I mean?” [British accent] oh, right. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah. “Ehh. Ehhhhhh. “Good one. Good one. Yeah, yeah. You’re never off, huh? You’re never off? “Even when you’re off-stage, “you’re still zinging them, aren’t you? Yeah. “You got moxie, don’t you? Huh? “I listened. Yeah. Yeah. I listened to it all, you know. Yeah.” He threatened me. When British dudes threaten you, you don’t know what’s going on — at all. They say — they speak English, but they just say things. You don’t know if it’s good or bad or what. They’ll just be like, [British accent] “if you keep talking to me like that, “you keep yapping off at the nanners, we’ll see what happens.” “You keep chopping them clam bits, I’ll get the stoozy boys to rode up on you.” “I’ll leave you off on main street “with your pants around your ankles and a lollipop in your mouth.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, is that a party? I don’t even know what you mean.” [Laughter] [British accent] “yeah, it’s a party. “Bugger off, chap. We’ll see what happens. “I’ll come over bright and early and literally do grout work in your bathroom!” [Normal voice] you’re like, “for free? I don’t even know.” [Laughter] yeah, man. British dudes, man, they’re the best with girls, at least from what I see, man. British — no, you know what? They’re not the best at hitting on girls. You know who the best at hitting on girls are? Black dudes, for real, hands down, yeah, right. White chick with a black dude right there, that’s how he… Right? You know, ’cause black dudes, that’s why — yo, a British dude will be hitting on a girl, and then a black dude rolls up. British dude knows game over, for real. Yeah, a British dude will be like… [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing? “You look beautiful. Oh, a black guy. All right, see you later.” [Laughter] [applause] [Normal voice] Yeah, man, but black dudes have that confidence, though, that swag. They’ll just say anything to a girl, right? A black dude will just roll up to a girl, just be like, “yeah! All right, okay, oh, hell no!” Yeah, all right! Hell no! Yeah!” They just start answering questions that nobody asked. “Yeah, all right. Hell no. I don’t know. Maybe. I’m on the fence. Yeah! ‘Lord of the rings’! “What? I thought you — I thought you asked me my favorite trilogy.” [Laughs] black dudes got that confidence, man. Some black dudes will say rude things to girls and still get laid. That’s how much confidence they have, right? You ever heard a black dude just like, “yo, ma, how you fit all that in them jeans?” How is that not the rudest thing ever? To say to somebody you never met before?! “Yo, ma, you’re too big to be wearing them pants. “Yeah! Yeah, what’d you do, zip them up with pliers? “That’s what’s up? “Yeah, y’all got high cholesterol and whatnot, “don’t you, ma, yeah! “What’d you do — jump off a building and dive into those pants? Yeah!” And the girl’s just like, “oh, my god, I want to suck your dick right now.” [Laughter and applause] “‘Lord of the Rings’!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl how she fit all that in those jeans — no way! A white dude? Me?! Hey, first of all, I would mess that up immediately. I would just be like, “excuse me. Um, ma’am, you know, uh…” “Uh, you’re a fat bitch. Oh shit.” [Laughter and applause] [breathing heavily] [blows] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “‘Lord of the rings,’ ‘lord of the rings.'” Yeah, man, some black dudes — yo, you ever heard a black dude go like this to a girl? [Laughs] I heard this once. A black dude goes like this. “Yo, ma, you’re looking stupid.” [Laughter] that’s only rude! That’s only rude! Then they’d be like, “yo, ma, you’re dumb. “Yeah! Like, yo, your face look pretty. “In this area, you look great, “but behind that, in your brain area, “ain’t nothing going on at all! “Like, straight up, you look bad at math. “You know what I mean? Like, yo, academically, you’re atrocious, man!” “Oh, my god, I want you to meet my family right now. This is the one.” [Laughter] okay, here’s how I came up with that bit. This is great, man. I was hanging out. I was sitting down. I was right here, okay? And I saw a black dude sitting down right here. I was right there. He was right here. This girl he was talking to was standing up, okay? This dude was like, “yeah, I’ll just stay seated and still lace this up. “You know what I mean? I’m gonna keep comfy. You know what I mean? Like, I’m gonna keep it down.” Like, yo, he was so, “yo, I’m comf–” he was so comfortable, like [laughs] he was so comfortable, he was uncomfortable. You know what I mean? Like, this is… Like, in my head, his own finger was in his eyeball just like, “yeah, it hurt. I feel discomfort, but whatever.” [Laughter] [laughs] in the middle of her talking, this dude goes like this. “Shh!” Yo, this girl had no idea how to react. This girl was like a 9 or something, and her whole body rebooted. He goes, “shh!” She goes, “uhh!” And I’m right here, and I’m like, “oh, damn.” [Laughter] he stays in the pocket, though. It’s all awkward, and he’s staying in the pocket, and this is what he says to her. “Yo, ma, straight up, you smell like peaches.” [Laughter] yo, that wasn’t the best part at all. The best part was, after that, he stayed in the pocket for another beat and said, “for real.” [Laughter] yo, obviously, for real, you know? Nobody would say some wacky thing like that unless it’s 100% the truth. Otherwise, you’re just a raving lunatic! Could you imagine just, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches.” “Really?” “No, I just say crazy things.” [Laughter] “I was watching ‘James and the giant peach’ today. It’s still on my mind. Bye!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl she smells like peaches — no way. Me? A white dude? No way. I would be immediately put into serial-killer category. [Laughter] imagine me walking up to you just, “excuse me, ma. You smell like peaches.” “Where are you going? Come back here. “Come here, come back here. You smell like peaches. “You’re a fat bitch, you’re a fat bitch. Come here. “You smell like you’re bad at math. Come here. “You smell like peaches. [Grunting] [grunting continues]” [Laughter] yo, if you’re a black dude, you tell a girl she smells like peaches, you’re flirting with her. If you’re a white dude and you say it, you’re stabbing her. [Laughs] that’s the difference. There’s a big difference between, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches” and, “hey, mom!” [Laughter] [laughs] “you smell like peaches! “[Grunts] “you’ve always smelled like peaches! That’s the problem!” [Laughs] “I’ll put you in my cereal!” Hey, every time I talk about that, man, I like telling that joke about black dudes hitting on girls and then white dudes and “rrr” because every time I do that, it always makes white people a little uncomfortable in the audience. Like, they’re always like, “[laughs uncomfortably] is it okay? Are they here, or…” Yeah, they’re here, and it’s okay, man, you know. It’s racist to not laugh because then it means you’re hiding something, you know what I mean? “[Laughs awkwardly] “oh, yeah, that, too. Yeah, yeah, right, chris. Yeah. “I’m not hiding anything. [Laughs awkwardly]” black dudes — I do that joke for black audiences, black audiences — man, black dudes are the best laughers, hands down, for real, right. [Applause] That’s so — that’s a white dude clapping at that. I don’t know why. That’s super weird. That’s so weird. That’s so weird that a white guy’s just like, “yeah! I love it when black dudes laugh!” Like, let me explain it and then clap. [Laughter] “way ahead of you, man!” I think that’s just a serial killer, is what that is. [Laughter] “peaches, man. Ohh!” [Laughter] for real, black dudes laugh the best. You know who the worst laughers are? Asian girls. Yeah! You guys don’t give it up at all, for real. You act like you don’t even want to laugh. You act like you’re not allowed to laugh. Asian girls just… “[Chuckling nervously]” [Laughter] “[chuckling nervously]” [Cheers and applause] Why are you doing a peace sign? You’re already laughing. It’s redundant. Don’t distract me from your merriment. [Laughter] black dudes laugh the best, though. You know why? When you tell a joke, a black dude laughs hard, you feel real good about yourself, because when black dudes laugh, they don’t just laugh. They relocate. [Laughter] you know what I’m talking about? You ever see a black dude laugh real hard just like “[laughing loudly]” [laughter and applause] That’s too funny to laugh at, in that area. This is the new designated laughing zone, y’all. “[Laughs loudly]” one time, I made a black dude laugh so hard, he drove to Las Vegas. [Laughter] yo, could you imagine just “[laughs loudly]” [imitates beep] “[laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]” [Cheers and applause] “[continues laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]” Yo. Hey [laughs] the cops tried to pull him over. He’s like, “forget it. It’s too funny. [Laughs loudly]” dude, even if the cop did try to pull you over, all you got to do to get out of the ticket is, if it’s a black cop, tell him the joke. [Laughter] he’ll be like — he’ll be like, “yo, that’s too funny. Bye!” [Imitates beep] “[laughs loudly]” [Laughter] yo, my buddy thinks he’s a gangster. It’s so funny ’cause he’s not gangster at all. Like, at all. Like, he’s a wannabe gangster. Like, you never — he’s always gangster. Here’s a new rule, okay? Here’s a new rule, all right? You only need to be gangster when gangster things go down. You don’t need to be gangster 100% of the time, all right? Like, I see this dude sometimes at like 8:30 in the morning. Nobody needs to wake up gangster in the morning. Like, nobody ever needs to be like, “bing! Yo, fuck this shit.” [Laughter] [applause] “hey, you never know what’s gonna happen.” Yeah, I do. You’re just gonna eat breakfast. That’s what gonna happen. “Yeah, but you never know what’s gonna happen during breakfast. “You know what I mean? I might be eating them eggs. “What if them eggs is acting up? “I might have to — pap-pap! — Put a spark to them eggs. “Yeah, if them eggs is trifling, I’m like, ‘yeah, but then…’ [Imitates machine-gun fire]” [Laughter] he’s such a wannabe gangster, man. He always starts conversations out like this. “Hey, dawg, you know what I mean?” Not yet. You didn’t say anything. What are you — the Quentin Tarantino of gangsters? Just starting the story at the end? [Laughs] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] I was talking about British dudes threatening you. Yo, that’s confusing, but nobody is more confusing when they threaten you than a gangster. I saw my buddy walk his dog on my gangster friend’s lawn, and this is how he threatened him. He goes like this. “Hey, dog, I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” My buddy was like, “uh… Do you want the dog on your lawn or not?” “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” There’s too many double negatives in that sentence. “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no d– “I know you not ain’t gonna act like you ain’t not gonna not — “I know you not ain’t gonna not never gonna not act “like you ain’t not wanting no d– I’ll be right back. I’ve got to figure this out.” [Cheers and applause] My buddy’s such a wannabe gangster, man. It’s so funny. He always says that he watches all the gangster movies and everything, picks up the lingo. Here’s how you know you’re talking with somebody who wants to be a gangster. This is the most gangster thing you can say. He always says this. This is the most gangster phrase you could say. He’ll go like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day…” That’s it. That’s the most gangster thing. There’s nothing more gangster than that, except for, even after that, even more gangster than that is to follow it up with something super vague that you can’t really argue with. Like here, he’ll something like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day, it’s all love.” [Laughter] I mean, like, yeah, I guess so, you know? You can’t really argue with that. That’s like saying anything. That’s like being like, “hey, dawg, “at the end of the day, you know what I mean? At the end of the day, sometimes people go skiing.” [Laughter] “yeah, it’s true, yeah. [Laughs] “I got another one. At the end of the day [laughs] at the end of the day, most people got two arms.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that, either. “I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. Hey, at the end of the day, you could buy a watch.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that either. [Laughs] “I got another one. I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, there’s double-breasted suits and single-breasted suits.” [Laughter] “yeah, that’s true. I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. At the end of the day, Scooby-Doo is a cartoon.” Yes, that’s right, yes. That, as well, that, as well. “I got another one.” [Laughs] I’ll just keep going. “I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, boys have a pee-pee, girls have a woo-woo.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I got another one. “At the end of the day, whatever’s random to one person may not necessarily be random.” [Cheers and applause] [laughs] Oh, man. Okay. Yo, you guys… You guys go to church? That’s creepy. [Laughter] no? We’re all going to hell? All right, forget it. [Laughter] you know, because here’s the thing, man. People act like church isn’t creepy. But it’s definitely creepy. You know? Like, I grew up catholic, you know? [Cheers and applause] Yo, this joke isn’t gonna go very well for you guys. [Laughter] [laughs] this isn’t the funny, positive catholic bit. [Laughs] how come priests are so great and never do anything scandalous? Like, believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy. It’s definitely creepy. Like, I grew up in the catholic church, you know, and, like, whatever. You just kind of believe whatever your parents tell you, you know? You don’t even think about it. You’re just like, “no way. “He died for all of us so we could all live? Awesome!” [Laughter] [applause] “he hung himself on the cross for that many days “and that’s why now we went through generations “and generations and build buildings “and have a society and can harvest fruits and vegetables “and that’s why now I can play Xbox? Awesome!” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] That’s all you care about as a little kid. [Laughter] but I grew up and walked into church recently with my adult, made-up brain. [Laughter] and I was like, “man, how did I not realize, when I was a kid, that this was so creepy?” Believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy, man. There’s tall walls with stained-glass windows up at the top. There’s people on the stained-glass windows with thorns around their head. They’re bleeding from the thorns, crying out of their eyeballs. Their clothing’s all ripped, and how come everybody’s facial expression on the stained-glass window is always this? [Laughter] right? It’s like something creepy just happened, but we definitely can’t talk about it here at church. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] But nobody’s creepier than the priest. Not for obvious reasons, but here’s why. [Laughter] don’t “aw” like I did it. [Laughter] it’s creepy. Here’s even creepier than that, because they’ll sing for no reason at all. Right? Every few minutes, they’ll hit the same five notes, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [laughter and applause] yo, why are you doing that for no reason? [Vocalizing spiritually] everything is in song — every sentence, every story, everything, just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men ♪ ♪ three wise men traveled to Nazareth ♪ [singing indistinctly] [vocalizing spiritually] [Cheers and applause] [Normal voice] Yeah, I feel like he hits those five notes whenever he forgets how the rest of the story goes. [Laughs] you know what I mean? Just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men [sputters] ♪ ♪ and they traveled through — and they kind of just, uh ♪ ♪ went to best buy ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] [laughs] [Normal voice] we’re like, “yo, hey, did you just say they went to best buy?! Huh?” ♪ No, I definitely didn’t say they went to best buy ♪ ♪ best buy was only established 50 years ago ♪ ♪ then, it was franchised ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] but this is the creepiest part, and if you’re catholic, you know what I’m talking about, okay? When for no reason, the priest will take the church down real soft and somber, and every few minutes, he’ll just go like this. ♪ Forever and ever ♪ [Laughter] yo, you don’t think that’s creepy, you’re a vampire, okay? If I popped my head in your window tonight while you were sleeping [laughs] and I just went… ♪ Forever and ever ♪ everyone in here would shit your pants — everyone! Even if you didn’t sleep with pants on, you’d wake up, locate pants, put them on, shit them, and then go back to sleep! [Cheers and applause] Hey, furthermore, it’s redundant. What kind of storybook Narnia jerk says, “forever and ever”? Just say “forever.” It means the same thing. [Laughter] that’s like saying, “hey, let’s go get lunch…and food.” [Laughter] you’re wasting time. I’m hungry, man! [Laughter] ♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ [laughs] [Laughter] [applause] ♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, they make you eat a guy’s body. You don’t even think about it! You’re just lining up. ♪ I got to eat a guy’s body, I got to eat a guy’s body ♪ ♪ I got — ♪ what the hell? “Yeah, don’t cut. I got to, like — ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, guess what?! Hey, it’s not even a dude’s body, okay?! It’s nothing! The only thing creepier than eating a dude’s body is pretending to eat a dude’s body! [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Laughs] They really try to sell it, too. ♪ This is a guy’s body, trust me ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body, eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ ♪ if this isn’t creepy enough, there’s a guy down there ♪ ♪ you can drink his blood ♪ yo! [Chuckles] that’s why everybody on the stained-glass window’s looking like this. They’re like, “oh, my god. I can’t believe they’re eating people.” [Laughter] it’s creepy. Believe what you want, but don’t act like it’s not creepy. And don’t go, too. [Applause] I mean, go, whatever, but don’t act like you like it! And don’t invite me. That’s the worst, man. “Hey, man, you know what? You should come sometime.” No, I shouldn’t! “Yeah, yeah, it’s fun.” No, it’s not! And you know it’s not! That’s the worst part, is when they act like it’s fun. It’s not fun, and I can prove it to you right now. Here’s the deal. You never wanted to go to church. Anybody in here never wanted to go to church, and I can prove it to you right now, all right? Okay? ‘Cause never during church, ever, has anybody in the history of church ever said this. “Oh, hey, watch this part.” [Laughter] [applause] how many times do you say it when you watch “godfather”? Worship that! [Laughter] that’s why you always fall asleep during church, man. ‘Cause you don’t want to be there. That’s why. You fall asleep. You try so hard not to, just in case there’s hell. You know what I mean? [Laughs] you try so hard. You use that “non-falling asleep” face that you use for everything, just… [Laughter] aw, come on, I got this. Come on. [Grunts] come on. [Grunts] goddamn it. [Grunts] oh, no, not god damn it. [Laughter] just regular “wow” or whatever. [Chuckles nervously] just in case. [Laughter] the same thing always wakes you up, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] “huh, what are we doing? We’re kneeling for no reason? “For no reason at all, we’ll kneel? Cool. “Stand up already? Great. Okay, good, good, good. “That’s great. Great, good, good, good, fantastic. “Good, good. Great, you too. Okay, great. “Awesome, awesome, good, good. How many people are there?! “Good, you. How’d you get up there? Sir, how’d you get up there?” [Laughter] every time I fall asleep, the same dude wakes me up always. It’s the dude with the collection plate. [Laughter] right, that basket with the pole attached to it. Yo, you never need to attach a pole to a basket, ever. Just pass the basket around. That guy’s job is unnecessary, man. I’ll be asleep, and he’ll just… [Laughter] “here. Oh, that was $100. Give it back. That was $100.” [Laughter] [laughter continues] I hate how long that pole is. It bothers me, man. You — dude, you can’t even see the dude holding it. That’s how long. You need binoculars. The dude’s out in the parking lot with the handle, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] that pole is so long, it’s longer than the pepper crusher at olive garden, you know? And that’s long. You know when the busboy comes along, he’s like, “excuse me, sir. You want fresh ground pepper? Yeah? Say when.” [Laughter] [applause] yeah, it doesn’t even look like they’re crushing pepper. It looks like they’re jerking two dudes off. [Laughs] and one’s extra small. [Laughs] “here we go.” We got a midget and a basketball player right there. There we go — a midget and Yao Ming all over my face. [Vocalizing spiritually] New Orleans, thank you so much! [Cheers and applause] Man: ♪ feel my flow ♪ D’Elia: Thank you! Man: ♪ but you do, it’s chad smith, who are you? ♪ ♪ Come through the door and the party for sho ♪ ♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪ ♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪ ♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪ ♪ after that, does it hurt? ♪ ♪ And make it jerk ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, rocking, right? ♪

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DAVE ALLEN: FIRST DAY AT CATHOLIC SCHOOL [TRANSCRIPT]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-allen-first-day-at-school-transcript/

Dave Allen on his first day at Catholic school. A reminder that the best comedy is truth: just by re-stating exactly what the church preaches, it exposes its absurdity. I went to the school in a little village called Raheny (Rath Eanna) in county Dublin. My first day. The school. This convent. Long winding driveway up to it. One of those gothic doors. Great studs in it. I rang the bell and it opened [creaking sound of the door opening]. And there’s one of these nuns, flapping. Terrifying. Terrifying. Three and a half years of age. Terrifying. What do you want little boy? [Terrified] My mommy, my mommy and daddy said I had to come here. Yes, well, if you come here you’ve got to be a good little boy. Will you be a good little boy? And I could see past her. And there was a fellow nailed to a cross. I thought: You’re bloody right I’ll be a good little boy. [Applause] First question they ask: What do you know about God? Who is God? God? You do not know who God is? Sister, sister we have an atheist here. Let me tell you a little boy. God is, God was and God always will be. What? What is… What’s that? He is the Father, he is the Son and he is the Holy Ghost. He is three in one. Do you understand? At four years of age, why wouldn’t I? There people in one and I’m imagining, Yeah… Where is he? He is here. Where? I can’t see him. That doesn’t mean because you can’t see him that he is not here. It doesn’t? He is in the cupboard. He’s not in the cupboard! God doesn’t go into cupboards. He’s under the stairs. He’s not the stairs. He’s here with us now. He’s upstairs. He’s downstairs. He’s outside. He’s inside. He’s everywhere. And I think. If he’s so bi, why can’t I see him? I’m asked, do you love him? What? Do you love him? I don’t know. I’ve never seen him. God loves you. Thank you. And he wants your love. Thank you. But if you do not give him your love, he will cast you into everlasting flame. What? He will cast you into everlasting flame. Have you ever burnt yourself? Yes, I burnt myself on the candle. What was it like? Well… there’s… sore. Can you imagine that pain all over your body? That’s what will happen to you if you do not love God. What do you think of that? I LOVE HIM! Then I asked, who is the fellow on the cross? Jesus. Who’s Jesus? He’s the son of God. I told you. The Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. He’s the son of God. He was born on Christmas day and died on Easter. I didn’t he didn’t hang around, did he? What happened to him? He died because of you. What? Christ died on the cross because of your sins. When was this? It was two thousand years ago. You can’t blame me. I’m only four. I didn’t do nothing. Did he have a daddy? Of course, he had a daddy. I’ve told you he had daddy. God was his daddy. And he had a mommy? Yes, he had a mommy. Mary was his mommy. So God was married to Mary. No, God was not married to Mary. Mary was married to Joseph. Shut up. Between my parents and the church one ends scrambled I learned to bless myself. First time I learned to bless myself was sadly when my uncle died. And he was been buried in a kind of remote part on the Dublin mountains. And it was a real funeral day. The wind was whipping down. The rain. And I’m only this big, and I’m kind of wandering around between these legs and this black crowd and umbrellas and dripping rain. This bloody hole in the ground. And I’m watching the coffin be lowered into the ground and I hear the priest say, what I think “In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes.” That’s how I blessed myself for years. In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes. What did you say? In the name of the Father and the Son and into the hole he goes. Into the Holy Ghost, he goes into the Holy Ghost, he didn’t go into a hole. I was there. I saw him. He went into a hole!

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MARIA BAMFORD: WEAKNESS IS THE BRAND (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maria-bamford-weakness-is-the-brand-transcript/

[microphone droans] [music playing] [crowd cheering, applauding] Thank you for coming out. [laughs] Great time. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. And thank you, you the viewer, who’s probably doing something else right now. You get your laundry done. Whatever you need to do. You guys! Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming out. Uh, I understand, I know we’re here in Los Angeles. Also, at home, I know we’re all artists. We all have a gift. If, at any point during my program, you feel disgusted. You think to yourself, “Why isn’t comedy better than I remembered?” [high voice] “Why isn’t that particular premise less ill-conceived?” [higher voice] “Why– why isn’t this experience exactly what I had wanted?” [normal voice] Please let that rage trampoline you into working on your own stuff. [cheers, applause] Harness the power of an enormous letdown. Uh… and I ask you, why does everything have to be so good? There’s a lot of talking in society about, “That’s amazing.” [low voice] “That’s genius.” [strong voice] “He’s a pig of productivity.” [soft voice] “She’s a kaleidoscope of can-do.” [normal voice] Yes, there are certain people in society who have a tremendous amount of talent. You combine that with an unbelievable work ethic, it is greatness. Is that really that interesting? Haven’t we seen it before? Einstein, Beyoncé, the Muppets, Japan. I adore a two-star experience. There is a deli down the street from our house. I believe it is called the Super Crap Shitty-Ass Liquor Store. It is dusty, dark– Diet Coke, hot. Milk, sour. You open up a Milky Way, it blooms. They are invariably unfriendly, and they’re only sometimes open. And it is that kind of integrity of mediocrity over time that deserves celebration. The energy that it takes to not improve… And, as a small business owner, I relate. Many times a day on my Yelp page, I get customer comments. [low voice] “Stop, witch!” [valley girl voice] “Why don’t you kill yourself?” [normal voice] Ooh, great minds think alike. Thumbs up. Follow and then mute. And yet– and yet, despite that ongoing negative commentary, I persist at half steam… generating up to eleven new minutes of material per decade. And, uh, things aren’t so good in general. Uh, I don’t know if you’ve… noticed. We cannot, of course, physically harm the President of the United States. But it is not illegal to lead him into a bramble, some uneven pavement, rocky terrain. Let your deteriorating roads, bridges, and public schools work for us. Oh, well… there’s– “Hey, get in here.” Uh, many times, in comedians’ acts, you’ll hear legitimate domestic and foreign policy. I heard a comic, 1999, Mr. Isaac Witty suggests at a Go Bananas in Cincinnati, Ohio, [imitates male voice] “You know, why don’t we send a high school marching band into Afghanistan?” [normal voice] Confusing, inexpensive, quite possible hilarious. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with our government. I thought, “Why not file a restraining order against the President of the United States?” [cheers] I did it! I printed out all the evidence, went down to the courthouse, saw a judge. Within a half hour, he denied me. Ultimately, a useless gesture that didn’t further the conversation in any way, and wasted the time of caring professionals. But I would recommend that if you’re gonna do anything political, to live-tweet it. Because it got me in contact with so many people I didn’t think I had anything in common with. Turns out I have a few opinions in common with the far right. [low voice] “You’re a fucking idiot.” [normal voice] I know! I went to a third-tier state school. [high voice] “You crazy cunt.” [normal voice] Now, that’s just accurate. [low voice] “You’re just an unknown comedian doing this for attention.” [normal voice] Of course. Oh, that’s– oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I love attention. Ooh, ooh. Ever since I was three years old, my parents, they forced me to play a musical instrument, the violin, at the age of the three. Could not wait to get that thing out of the way ’cause it was cockblocking the sale. Uh, I’m not politically articulate, but we do have a 20-year-old pug named Betty. And she’s blind and deaf, so she can no longer find the doggy door, so if we leave her for any amount of time, when we come home, she will be wedged in between the stove and a kitchen cabinet, covered in her own fecal matter, crying. [howls mournfully] That’s it, that’s where I’m at. Hopeless… looking for leadership… and I wouldn’t turn down a biscuit. And I don’t know why I’m being so critical. Uh, I’m not the greatest. I have a bit of a tremor that’s distracting in a performer. [high voice] “Why don’t you take a medication to offset the hundreds of medications you’re already on so that I feel more comfortable?” [normal voice] To which I’d like to say, “Weakness is the brand.” Aw, yeah. I don’t want to quash this cash cow. Uh, I may be mental, but I’m also a millionaire. I, uh– I have done very well with mental health shtick, and I was– but I’ve been feeling so good the past several years, um, I don’t have any new material about it. And I thought, “Uh-oh, maybe I should worry about that.” Uh… but then I remembered that I’m on anti-psychotics, and it is no longer possible for me to worry. I do have this joke, though. I was at the funeral for a comedian who died of suicide. Wait for it! And, uh– awful. I’ve had many friends and family, sadly, die of suicide, and one thing that always bothers me, though, is that, when there’s an obituary for someone who’s died of it, there’s always the number for the suicide hotline. And I know that’s helpful. I know it is. I know it saves lives. It’s helped me. I’ve called it myself. But as a person who’s trying to kill themselves, it always feels a little condescending. Like, “I know what the fucking number is. I’m depressed, I’m not a moron.” Just seems like, you know, having an obituary for someone who died of drowning and then there’s an ad for a raft. You know? “Yeah, that would’ve been great.” So, after the funeral, I overheard a few people talking. [low voice] “It’s just the single most selfish thing he could’ve done.” [high voice] “I know, he has two kids, and his wife, she’s gorgeous.” [normal voice] “Uh, hey, you know what I think the single most selfish thing you could do. I think blaming someone for their own death at their funeral? That is truly the single most selfish– hold on, hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no. Writing down the premise for this joke. Yeah, that is truly the single most selfish thing you could do. Yeah, two– two kids? And don’t forget to mention how pretty his wife is.” Let us never forget how attractive all of us are. Especially now. I’m a very good-looking beast. Uh… uh… I have, uh, silky dark fur that covers my body. You can see it here. This is false. That doesn’t mean I don’t put in the effort to seduce my husband. We both work from home, but at least three times a day– I’m busy, so I keep on my top, so my shoes and socksies. But I will pull down my pants and my underwear all the way to the bottom and make my way over. Say, “Hey. I’m just sittin’ over here. I love you, you love me. What that means for us both is, I’m down for whatevs. Uh, haha, don’t tickle me! Don’t you come over here right now and tickle me.” [laughs] We have sex in one way very well. The second way involves a purple buzzer. It’s not always charged. Let’s not play the blame game. Uh, I was trying to write some fantasies, and in order to live-action role play something, you really need to know so much about a genre. And the only thing I know a little bit about from a very limited point of view is intractable social issues. So our first sexy scene was gentrification. [high voice] “My name is Jen. I just moved here. It’s so cheap, and I can use my high school Spanish.” [low voice] “My name is Art. I’m an artist. I’ve lived here for 30 years, and it’s hipsters like you who have committed cultural genocide.” [high voice] “Aren’t you the first sign of gentrification, that you transform industrial abandoned spaces into galleries, thus making it more attractive to developers?” [huffs] [high-voiced huff] [low voice] “And you ash your hand-rolled cigarette…” [high voice] “…into my succulent! Oh, what, are you moving out? Has this neighborhood become too cool for you?” [low voice ] “No, I’ve been evicted. I can no longer afford to live in the city that I love.” [high voice] “Oh, my God, it’s happening to someone I know. Maybe you should move in with me because that’s the answer to affordable housing, not NIMBY, Not In My Back Yard, but YIMBY, Yes, In My Back Yard. Ooh. If you lived here, you’d be home by now.” [indistinct] [normal voice] My husband, Scott, he doesn’t like to act, so I do most of it. Second sexy scene. Living wage. [low midwest voice] “I’m the owner of a Midwest McDonald’s franchise. Boy, you’re lucky I hired a loser like you.” [high midwest voice] “Well, you’re lucky you got me, ’cause, see, I just got out of treatment for opioid addiction and I’m gonna work 80 hours a week to support myself and my four kids.” [low midwest voice] “Maybe you shoulda thought about having kids before becoming an addict.” [high midwest voice] “Well, maybe I would have, had I had a– access to preventative healthcare and family planning!” [low grumble] [high grumble] [high midwest voice] “I’m putting out a tip jar.” [low midwest voice] “No handouts. Listen, you’ve been doing such a nice job for me the past couple years, just puttin’ all that meat in buns. I thought I’d like to give you an eleven-cent raise.” [high midwest accent] “Oh, then we can get an oil change on the house.” [low midwest accent] “But then I see you pouring a four-and-a-half-foot vanilla cone. You’re stealing from me. You’re fired.” [high midwest accent] “That was gonna be my supper.” [low midwest accent] “You mean to tell me you work in a restaurant but you’re food insecure?” [high midwest accent] “No shit, Shake Shack!” [low midwest accent] “I need to restructure my business, creating a profit-sharing entity, thus destroying all hierarchy.” [high midwest accent] “So we could date. Then maybe I could teach you a mutually satisfying application of open book accounting.” [trills] [normal voice] Scott’s been working– he’s been writing. [imitating Scott] “Okay, uh, all right. We’re in a massage parlor. Oh, right. Human trafficking. Uh, I think it’s legit. I know it’s in a strip mall, but there’s water in the fountains, orchids are real. You seem happy. You lead me into a room, and you just start working on my back. You can go hard. Use your elbows.” [normal voice] “Okay.” [imitating Scott] “Aw, babe, that’s good.” [normal voice] “Okay.” [imitating Scott] “And then, I– yeah, I have some curiosity about your situation.” [normal voice] “That’s awesome.” [imitating Scott] “Yeah, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, this is modern day slavery.’ And then… Twenty-five bucks for a massage? That’s insane. Oh, God, babe, that’s awesome.” [normal voice] “And– and then what happens?” [imitating Scott] “Wouldn’t you keep going for at least a half hour? Okay, yeah, no, you’re right. Okay, uh, I go to your country’s embassy, and we find out you’re a princess?” [normal voice] Now that’s what I call a happy ending. All right. [applause] Oh, uh… my husband and I, he’s– his longest relationship was three years. My longest was one year. We just made it six whole years! [cheers, applause] Thank you so much. Thank you, we need your support. And we need it now. We don’t know what we’re doing. My parents have been married over 50 years. They gave us this way of fighting. Uh, it’s called sharing and caring. [imitating mother] You do it once a week. You share something you’re grateful for, a concern, ugh, and then something you’re grateful for. It’s a shit sandwich. And so we’ll do it for ya. Joel, go ahead. [imitating father] Ahem, I’m grateful for all that you did for me this morning, and it’s private. [imitating mother] And I’m grateful I’m still able to do that. And now, Joel, do you have any concerns? [imitating father] Oh, yes, I do have a concern, Marilyn. You’ve been interrupting me for the past 50 years. [imitating mother] Okay, well, I thought I was doing so– [imitating father] I wasn’t finished speaking. [imitating mother] All right, I didn’t know we were gonna say something real. Okay, well, I felt hurt when you called me a blueberry and I was wearing my blue coat. It felt like a slur. [imitating father] Ahem, your mother knows I find spheres very sensual. Ahem. [snorts] Uh, and close with the gratitude. Marilyn, I’m grateful that you’re gonna let me have the rest of your sweet potato fries. [imitating mother] Yes, yes, go ahead. And I– I am grateful that your father is here with us tonight and is not spending his entire life with his buddy, Lyle. [groans] They get together and they eat Fig Newtons, and then your father gets night terrors. Now you and Scott give it a go. You and Scott go. [normal voice] Okay, uh, Scott. Scott. I’m grateful that you can sing the lyrics “Turkey leg, chicken leg” to any available melody. For example, “Frère Jacques.” ♪ Turkey leg, a turkey leg ♪ A chicken leg, chicken leg ♪ Turkey, turkey, chicken leg, chicken, turkey, turk, turk ♪ ♪ Turk, turk leg, chick, chick turk ♪ ♪ Leg and turk turk, leg and turk turk ♪ ♪ Leg and chick, leg and chick ♪ ♪ Leg-a, leg-a turk, turk, leg-a chicken turk, turk ♪ ♪ Turk, turk, chick, turk, turk– ♪ [imitating Scott] M-Maria, Maria. I’m grateful that you join me in those songs. It’s a real clock-eater. Uh… you are actually the first person I’ve ever had to beg to stop. [normal voice] Uh, Scott, I actually did have a concern. Uh, I felt hurt when you were laughing about my cooking. [imitating Scott] Okay. I thought we were laughing together. I’m sorry. Uh, can I tell them the story, though? Okay, Maria decides to make pancakes. She pours batter into a pot nine inches deep, like a cake. That burns. Does another one, burns again. By the time I get home, she’s on her third pot. She’s added frozen vegetables. And the house is filled with smoke ’cause she’s removed every single fire detector. [normal voice] Yeah, they’re too loud. I already know what’s going on. I’m making some fuckin’ veggie pie cakes. Hot, fat, tall. [imitating mother] Now, Scott, do you have any concerns? [imitating Scott] Uh, yeah. [squeals] Maria, I love you. [squeals] I love that you put a bench on the front lawn. But now, uh, there is a man living there. Which is fine, we live in Los Angeles, but now when you leave your keys in the front door overnight, over and over and over again, I feel terrified. [normal voice] It’s just, they– that’s where they fit. Maybe I could ask the guy on the bench to remind– [imitates mother] Honey, no, okay. Shut it down. Shut it down. So, uh, say something you’re grateful for, Scott. Something you’re grateful for. [imitating Scott] Uh, Maria, I’m grateful you’re so beautiful. [snorting] [normal voice] Scott. Scott. I’m grateful that you let me use our sweet and fragile personal life as fodder for my act. Very good man. Very kind man. Uh, my husband’s an artist, so we’re working on a project together. I’m not sure what it is, exactly, but he pulls up his swim trunks all the way up to here and then he tiptoes around the public pool, and then I chase him yelling, “Mr. Cassidy. Mr. Cassidy. Mr. Cassidy! Gonna try to pitch it to Nat Geo. Audible? Okay, all right. Uh, so, we talk about– we talk about money. That’s the other thing we talk about in our family, ’cause we both have to ask to get paid in our jobs. And, um, has anyone here ever asked for a raise? [scattered whoops] Yes? No? No? Oh, how’d it go? How’d your raise go? I got let go. You got let go! Oh. But good for you. Asked. You asked. So… I’m so sorry. Are you working at a better place now? -Yes. -Oh, okay. [whines] Uh, I never– I’ve never– I never thought to ask for a raise. I worked in temp jobs and minimum wage for 15 years. I worked at a laundry factory once, making wire hangers into one long wire. I wasn’t told what the mission statement was, and yet I still felt inspired. Uh, yeah, so I also worked for a temp agency. [imitating older woman] Maria, can you meet them at an unmarked warehouse in downtown Los Angeles? [normal voice] When? [imitating older woman] Are you okay with working with sharp objects? [normal voice] Yes. [imitating older woman] You’re gonna be making airport salads. [normal voice] You buried the lede! But I never thought to ask for more money, but now I get direct offers to myself. I just got an email that said, “Hey, can you come to Alabama for 300 bucks?” And I wrote them back and I said, “Hey, why don’t I just send you two grand, ’cause that’s what’s gonna happen.” Oh, I’m so sorry. I love you so much. Uh, now, uh, I, uh– but recently– also, a few– oh, gosh. A little while ago, I got– yesterday? Is that good for comedy? Is “yesterday” good for comedy? I’m– I’m a liar. The important thing about stand up comedy is to call whatever you’re doing, “stand-up comedy.” All right, so, I got an offer to do a commencement speech at the University of Minnesota, from wherein I get my degree in creative writing. I said to them, “That’s a terrible idea, but that is on you. I love money.” And– and I thought about it and I thought, “You know what? I do have some advice to give.” “Okay, class of whatever year this is. You’ll find it doesn’t matter. Okay. You guys, don’t move to Los Angeles with the promise of a touring Star Trekshow. Uh… hook up on a one-night stand with a Vulcan. He gives you an STD that you let go for so long that when you finally go to the Planned Parenthood in Hollywood, California, the doctor says, ‘Why did you let this get so bad?’ Don’t do that!” Ah. “Don’t send in your 1040 IRS forms with ‘Sorry, don’t get it,’ smiley face, exclamation point.” Oh. Okay. “Uh, don’t move into an apartment where the landlord allegedly accepts sex for rent, and then not have money for rent. Turns out, he was not interested. I just had to move out!” Oh, there’s so much here. Um… so, I asked the university, I said, “Hey…” Well, ’cause they didn’t mention it, “What are we talking about, in terms of Bitcoin?” They said, “No, it’s an honor.” And I Googled “hon-or.” And sometimes a “hon-or” comes with a paid “hon-orarium.” They said, “No.” I went to my business advisor, who’s my dear friend Jackie’s 83-year-old father, Elliot Kashian. He’s a former aluminum siding salesman currently living at the VA hospital in South Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I said, “Mr. Kashian, what do I do?” He says, [imitating Kashian] “Okay, you never say no without a number. That means, if you’re not even sure you want the job, put out something ridiculous, something you’ve never gotten before in your life. That way, either you get a ton of money, or you don’t have to do it.” [applause] So, let’s remember that their initial parry was zilch. I counter-thrusted with 20 grand. [cheering] [laughs] Oh, I received the following e-mail in response. [imitating midwest man] “Oh, you dirty little bird. You and your filthy feathered fat pants used to be a nice girl from Duluth, Minnesota, but now you’re from L.A. with your eyes made of lead and steel. We’re a non-profit.” They– they didn’t say that. They said, “We’ll get back to you.” But I read between the lines. And I do know that schools are educational charities, that they– I’m very happy, I just heard they had a successful fundraiser. Uh, I’m not sure if it was a bake sale, but they did raise $900 million for their new athletic facility. Presumably for the poets. Was the University of Minnesota trying to suggest that I could not get paid for the one thing that I paid them to teach me how to get paid to do? [cheers, applause] And I tell you, no, ma’am. They came back three days later with ten– $10,000. I woulda done it for $600 plus air and hotel. Ugh. Uh, Mr. Kashian said, “Okay, now you say, ‘We’ll split the difference, fifteen,’ and then you settle for twelve-five.” But the guilt of the old country had done its work. And I went with ten, and then I ended up feeling so bad about myself that, as a part of the speech, I gave the money away to kids in the audience to pay down their student loans. Sounds like a nice thing to do. That is the only way I’m able to do kind things. If it is in public and it is grandiose. Uh, I am an atheist, but I’m nothing if not ethically competitive. My husband and I, we found out that, most religions, you’re supposed to give at least ten percent of your income away to charity. So we’re giving 11. We don’t even fucking believe in Heaven, but we’re going! No, I’m just jealous. I’ve never had a religious experience. I have a friend who’s having them all the time. She takes ayahuasca, so she’s… [low female voice] “A red dragon told me I really need to raise the prices on my jewelry.” [normal voice] I wish I had a fucking red dragon to tell me to take specific price-point related actions in my small business. [low growly voice] “Why not create a passive income stream by selling already colored-in anxiety coloring books… so that people don’t feel bad about not finishing them?” [normal voice] “I’m listening, dragon.” Uh, I haven’t had a spiritual awakening, but I have been so bored– on a mindfulness meditation retreat in the Malibu Hills– that I walked directly into some trees. And who but aging action star Nick Nolte should come out of that forest carrying a ridiculously large submarine sandwich. I– I have nothing guiding me from within beyond a moldering origami skeleton of women’s magazines articles from the late ’90s. Uh, so when I see someone who has a sign of what they believe on their person– you know, like, they have an earring or like a necklace– what? Uh, it’s just to remind me not to be a jackass. “Oh, right, right.” Um, or if they have a robe on, I always feel like asking them, just saying, “Hey, you really doing that over there? The whole thing? Okay, all right. That’s a lot of stuff to keep track of. I read some of your shit. All right, all right. Well, good for you, yeah, no. I’m gonna be keeping an eye on you. I want to make sure you’re doing everything your hat says you are.” [laughs] Oh. I even get a little irritable when I see the words-on-shirts trend. I saw a woman my age, she was wearing a t-shirt that said “Truly, Madly, Deeply” in a giant Santa Barbara font, very beautiful. But she herself was shuffling along carrying a to-go bag from the Cheesecake Factory in a pair of worn purple Crocs with a little smile on her face. “Truly, Madly, Deeply.” I want to see you running covered in the blood of a loved one while screaming, “Done is better than perfect.” You can, of course, keep the Crocs, those are on message. But I’d prefer to see them sloshing in the entrails of your recent kill. Um… I was at a yogoo class, and I call it “yogoo” ’cause I in no way enjoy it or respect it. And– and packed class. One woman had clearly gotten there early. She had a big moat of space around herself. She had all of her blobs and wads and wickets and sticks. And– and, uh, I had gotten there late, so I had to ask her, ‘Hey, could ya scoot your mat?” And unfortunately for her, she had a t-shirt on with font large enough for me to read it– the word “Compassion.” Aw, shit, you gotta scoot the mat, beeatch. [laughs] Oh. I’m not the one wearing the t-shirt. If I were to wear any t-shirt, it would be blank on the outside, and then on the inside where only I could see it, it’d say, “Kickin’ ass.” That would– uh… But has anyone had a fight on the Internet recently? Any fights? Yes, yes? No, no. No. Oh, somebody’s trying to raise your hand. You’re about to start a fight. Exciting. -Have you had a fight? Yes? -Sure. Yeah, yeah, what’d you fight about on the Internet? -Hmm. -Green beans. Green beans? For real? [indistinct] Sure– oh, oh, you’re just impro– are you– you’re a kind improviser. You don’t have a strong opinion about green beans, do you? [indistinct] Now, your face. I’m reading, I’m reading. I’m not– I’m not a professional, but I can read the body language. You’re just trying to help, I appreciate that. And, uh– and, by helping, sometimes we harm, am I right? I should– I should know that. I’m a white woman. [laughs] [applause] “How can I get in there?” I love the Internet because it is a place of learning and healing, in that I’m a dinosaur. I’m slipping into the tar of irrelevant redundancy. And, uh– So I’m forever horrified by what new thing I may say that will alienate people I care about. So, I– a year and a half ago, I did write an essay and I was hired to write an essay on a topic that I have no personal experience in– satirical. What? And wrote it, put it out there. Some very nice people said to me, “Hey Maria, we’re real disappointed because it’s trans-phobic, many of the things you said,” and, uh, “Oh, my God, wow. Apologies all around. I will read some books on gender identity and sexuality. Yay, team!” Uh, and then the publishing company, because they still thought it was funny, they didn’t want to take it down. And I got the electric experience of getting to teach someone a lesson I just learned! “You should be ashamed of yourselves.” So, uh, I– I have a friend who’s always posting things that are kind of mad, but I’m not sure exactly about what. Like, “If you know who you are and you do but you get it and you don’t, repost but don’t like, because you aren’t a grinder and you don’t hustle. I hustle, I grind. Hashtag skincare.” I hope this involves multi-level marketing. I want to be on all sides of the argument. Um, do you ever feel like you just want to know that you’re– you’re a pretty good person? Like, that you’re just– you’re good as someone everyone considers to be pretty good. You know? You– maybe you’re not Santa but you’re not the Golden State Serial Killer. Like you’re– or maybe you’re just better than one person. And I always think it’s gotta be somebody who’s following a religion, who’s deeply religious. So then you can go mano-a-mano, and examples from their own philosophy, so you can see who’s ahead, like who specifically is winning. Uh… So I called my mom, I said, “Mom, you’re a Christ-ian. Would you be willing to go with me, three rounds, in your own religion, to see which one of us is the better person?” And she said… [imitating mother] “What?” [normal voice] Round one! These are all stories from the “Beeblay” I remember as a kid, uh, about how you’re supposed to act in the world. First story, Good Samaritan. Jewish guy is left for dead on the side of the road. His two best friends leave him behind ’cause they’ve got time management issues. Uh, a third guy, his sworn enemy, a Samaritan– always the rule of three in the Bible– one, two, then the kicker, just like comedy– and, uh, so the Samaritan, his enemy, stops, puts him on his donkey, rubs him down with oils and herbs and spices. Bible’s a lot about spa treatments. And then takes him back to his home, saves his life. So, uh, in Los Angeles, we are, of course, living in a human rights violation. Every few inches is an opportunity to experience the Old Testament. Uh, outside Target, Santa Monica Boulevard. I was out there. Man, uh, my age, six foot five, maybe we’d done an improv class together, at some point. I know I did say, “Yes, and…” to someone of his height and weight And I was doing okay. He, however, was covered in filth. No shirt, no shoes, sores on his feet, uh, catatonic, not aware of any outside stimuli, and a secondary face of snot covering his own face. Here’s what I should’ve done, according to the rules of the game. I should’ve gone straight up to him and said, “Okay, hello. I know you can’t hear me. But I’m gonna– you’re a big man, but I’m gonna flat pack you into my Prius. That’s right. Now I’m gonna spray you down with Axe body spray, whatever flavor you want. I would recommend Taboo. Then– then take you back to our house, live with us, and then be his best friend for the rest of his life, especially if he does not want me to be his best friend, ’cause that’s what best friends are fucking for. What did I actually do, in real life? Uh, in real life, first I went into Target to get a couple things that I needed. Then came out, had a $20 bill. I had wet some paper towels down. Put those at this man’s feet while stepping away, whispering, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” And I felt good about that. [imitating announcer] That’s a low bar for Marilyn to clear. She’s armchair quarterbacking it from the sidelines. Marilyn, what would you do on the field in this play? [imitating mother] “Oh, honey, you know. You cannot drive yourself crazy. There are organizations to help people like that. what did you get at Target?” [normal voice] Round two! The story of Esther. Hot, hot Jewish lady. She wins a beauty pageant to marry the king. She does not tell the king that she’s Jewish. The king says, “Hey, guess what? I think I’m gonna kill all the Jews.” And she’s like, “Oh, shit. Um, guess what, I’m Jewish, and so are my friends and family.” And he was like, “What?! I didn’t know Jews were so fuckin’ hot. I’m gonna kill the guy who told me to kill all the Jews. Somebody has to die, this is a children’s book.” So, uh, you’re supposed to speak truth to power, put yourself in danger on behalf of the voiceless. I would argue the most maligned group of untouchables in Los Angeles are extras. People in the background of film and television. I have many times been an extra. You are left without food, water, bathroom breaks for hours at a time. They throw buckets of Red Vines at you. And most painfully, you’re inches away from a tiny, gorgeous group of people who are having all their dreams come true. So, I, uh– I had my own TV show, Lady Dynamite, on Netflix. [cheers, applause] Thank you. [indistinct] Requisite applause break. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you for– thank you. Thank you. Uh, I– uh, here’s what I should’ve done, according to the rules of the game. I should’ve made a big speech at the beginning of production. I should’ve said, “Netflix, should you massage my kale with avocado and sea salt and lemon, so, too, should you massage the kale of the extras. For that which you scream at the extras, ‘Use the port-a-potties a thousand yards away,’ so do you scream at me, for I, too, am an extra.” Uh, what did I actually do? My very own husband was an extra. He calls me. [imitating Scott] “They have us in a van. Uh… it’s over a hundred degrees in here. The guy won’t let us out. It’s locked from the outside. Hey, I can– I can see you, can you see me?” [normal voice] “Oh. Oh, yes, shit, babe, yeah, I’ll try to– I’ll get somebody over there, but they’re doing my hair.” I asked my mom what she would’ve done. [imitating announcer] Pop fly ball to the outfield. Easy catch, Marilyn, but the sun’s in her eyes. Marilyn, what would you do? [imitating mother] “Oh, I mean, if it were me, I’d pay to be part of the magic.” [imitating announcer] Marilyn in the penalty box with her first lie. Ahem, she’s lying. So, round three. Okay, not looking good for my mom. The following is one of the creepiest stories from the Bible, of which there are so many. Uh, please Google the story where the father can’t stop touching his daughter’s feet. That’s from the book of… [gagging] Verse yikes. This story bothered me ever since I was little. It’s– okay, it starts out– slave owner. Oh, my God, what? Tells three of his slaves, [imitating surfer dude] “Hey, you guys, I just had this great idea. Um, I’m gonna give you each a bag of gold, okay? And, um, you do whatever it is you want to do with it, man. No, honey, you do you. No. No, I’m not gonna tell you what to do with it. That’s the whole thing! That’s what makes it fun! I’m gonna fuck off for seven years. But if I come back and you’ve done the wrong thing, I’m gonna kill you. We good?” The first guy is terrified. He does what I’d do, buries the gold underground. Keep it safe. Money market funds and CDs. Second guy goes, “M-maybe he wants me to risk a little bit of the capital so that the– and make a little profit, but something meaningful from the heart like upcycled wet naps, uh, sew them each into dollhouse quilts.” Makes a little money. Third guy says, “Uh, I’m just gonna buy a factory with the gold, and then I’m gonna enslave people myself, force them all to make sweatpants that say ‘Not Today, Satan’ on the butt.” And he becomes a kabillionaire, as he well should. Now, who is the guy who does not die at the end of this story? It’s the guy who makes the most money! [woman in audience whoops] [mouths] What? I asked my mom, “Mom, so, are you bringing in any cash? Christ just needs cash. Christ needs cash. God is invoicing.” [imitating mother] “Oh, no, honey, no, you know, I haven’t been feeling so good, with the chemotherapy and the immunotherapy stuff, some of the lung stuff, so I– we’re– and we’re trying to just, you know, enjoy each day.” [normal voice] “Mom!” ‘Cause she can make bank. She used to be a therapist. You don’t have to be that good at being a therapist to make a ton of money. I have been paying this one woman, online therapy, 200 bucks a month. She just texted me, “Christine, of course you’re stressed, you just had a baby.” And it was helpful! Of course I’m stressed, I just had a baby. [imitating mother] “But the lesson is, honey, with that story, is you’re supposed to do everything that you can with exactly what you have.” [normal voice] Uh-oh. I’m not doing that. A lot of comics sell merch after shows. Uh, very thoughtful people have asked me, in a nice way, “Hey, Maria. Do you have any merch?” To which I’ve sometimes said, “Uh, why don’t you make your own fuckin’ merch? No, you take a piece of masking tape, you write ‘comedy’ on it… Slap that on your sock.” “But, Mom, you’re not bringing it in.” [imitating mother] “I know, I’m a drain on the Lord’s resources. But I was so mad at your father ’cause I told him, you know, to keep within our budget. He bought organic. He bought all organic, and– but then I had an orange. And it was an organic orange. I want to tell you about this ’cause it was so good. It was– it made me think of my father… and how we went to Florida when I was five and– so beautiful, and just the trees– and then how much work goes in to harvest– you know, the UFW, United Farm Workers union and Cesar Chavez and the sun. The sun. And the next thing you know, I had eaten the whole peel and the label.” [laughs] “But I looked it up on Weight Watchers and it’s still okay, it’s still no points. The label and the peel are free.” [normal voice] So I had to tell her, “Mom, I mean, it seems I’m a much– three clear rounds. I’m a much better person than you are.” [imitating mother] “Oh, that’s good, honey. Well, good for you.” [normal voice] “Mom, I’m a much better Christian than you are.” [imitating mother] “Oh, well, I’m so glad that you remember all those stories. That’s good, that’s good.” [normal voice] “God, I’m so much better than you are.” Except for the fact that you’ve raised me thanklessly for 18 years. You’ve allowed me to do extremely unattractive impersonations of you for another 35 years, to your face. And you’re also not… [imitating announcer] …judging me in public over a microphone.” Hat trick, alley-oop, hole in one in the final seconds of the game for Marilyn. [cheers, applause] It’s not– I’m not a professional. You know, it’s just– it’s just– joy is my choreographer. All right. Um… So, uh, I have two hot chunks left, two thick slices. If you need to take care of yourself, if you need to go night-night, you know, uh, please go, you’re okay by me. I know, I’m grateful that you came here at all. I’m grateful for the context you provide. Without your presence, this might seem bizarre. Uh… I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it. Have you ever looked around your life and thought, “Uh-oh… uh, this isn’t temporary.” [grimaces] “This may, in fact, be who I am.” I– I like to think of myself as a sophisticate. Um, I get the New York Times and their ten free articles a month. Uh… but it’s also true that I was recently on a Southwest Airlines flight, middle seat. I had just tremble-spilled my Diet Coke all over myself and my two new friends, and I looked down and I was wearing an outfit that I purchased entirely earlier that day at a San Antonio, Texas, CVS. Hook ‘Em Horns tee, Aztec print poly legging, open toe shower shoe. I’d like to think that’s a one-off. But that’s gonna happen again. I enjoy a last-minute fashion binge at a regional drugstore. ‘Cause they– they got those little crinkle shirts that get so big. [laughs] They’re doll size, but then they fit. Uh, you know, you have your, uh, publicized version of yourself on Instagram. I don’t know what your face is like on Instagram, but, God, do I laugh. God, I am laughing. If I’m not laughing, if I’m not laughing– and I laugh– if I’m not laughing, I’m outside, okay? Okay? And if I’m not laughing outside, I’m with friends and family. Right? Friends and family. That’s who I am. Friends and family. Uh, but while I’m looking at those pictures, I’m kinda trying to make ’em move but they won’t work ’cause the layer of sriracha almond dust is so thick. [groaning] And I’m very much alone in a 7-Eleven. So, it was no surprise when I found myself on a reality show called Worst Cooks: Celebrity Edition. Who’s who of who? [chuckles] Oh. It’s myself, Ian Ziering, 90210, one of the kids from Modern Family. I’m sorry, I didn’t watch it. Uh, Balki from Perfect Strangers. That’s a deep dive. Uh, then LaToya Jackson from 20th century American history. [applause] I lied to get on the show. Eighteen-hour shoots. They said, “Can you do it?” [winces] I can do four hours, uh, upright and sentient. Then I gotta go home. Too tie-tie. Too tie-tie. And, uh– but I thought, maybe I can do one day. I’m on a lot of pharmaceuticals, but I thought, “Come on! Come on, Bamford.” I made it through the first day. They didn’t eliminate anyone. Uh, the second day, I am losing– I start sliding down walls. I– I hid underneath the craft service table for a while, and then I cut myself while gutting the monkfish and I bled into my pizza, and I was on LaToya’s team. She’s am– she’s 65. She looks 12. I said, “LaToya, how are you doing this?” And she said… [high voice] “It’s all in your mind.” Shit. Aw, shit. You’re gonna win. And she does. You’re not gonna watch it. Uh… We’re on the same team. I cut my pineapples for a pineapple upside-down cake. I hand– handed them to LaToya, and she said… [high voice] “They’re uneven. Do it again.” [sleepy voice] “LaToya, you know this doesn’t matter.” And is that how I always am, always making fun of things from the outside, always acting like I’m doing half-assed because what if that weren’t true? What if I was actually doing the best I possibly could and I still failed miserably? Hmm. I did not redo the pineapple slices. But I did say directly into camera my favorite Teddy Roosevelt quote while smashing garlic. [imitating Roosevelt] “It is not the critic who counts. It is the man who is in the arena!” [cheers, applause] “Marred by blood and sweat and tears.” The Food Network then re-edited that to… [laughing nervously] The end of the second day, I’m dying. I– I asked them if I could leave and they said no. Eighteen-hour day. So I found the youngest person I could on set, and I said, [whispering] “Hello. Hello. We’re both powerless. Um, do whatever you need to take of yourself. I’m gonna start sprinting as soon as we stop talking. Uh, don’t worry about me. I’ve been fired so many times before, the only backlash I’ve ever received has been an enormous rush of relief. So…” [cheers, applause] She then did some beautiful kabuki theater of, “No, Miss Bamford, please! Don’t!” That I very much appreciated, and then I wasn’t fired ’cause nobody cared. But, uh, third day, I’m not sure. They must’ve said something. They took me and Oscar Nuñez aside– from The Office– and they said, “Hey, uh”– off camera, they said, “Hey, you’re both terrible.” Uh, who wants to go home the most?” Ah! God, yes! So, I agreed to fix a salad battle against Daisy Duke, Catherine Bach from Dukes of Hazzard. And, you know, if you’re gonna throw a fight, I could’ve just taken a raw chicken cutlet, stuffed it in a glass of water and said, “Salad.” But I did not. And I think that’s who I am, as a least-known person on a Food Network reality show, who does the best work when I know I’ve already quit. And also can’t make it through a third day of work, even for charity. Did I mention it was for charity? Oh, oh, no. Oh, boy. Thank goodness my charity was the National Alliance for Mental Illness. I know they would’ve said, “Girl, you’re on Seroquel. Go home.” Is that something? Should I–? Okay, uh… Uh, so this, uh– this last bit, um, my husband and I, we had a terrible kerfuffle about two years ago. It was awful, so scary. We went to our therapist afterwards, and she said that there’s a point when you’re in a fight with someone where– it’s called “Saturation point,” where you just– you have too many emotions and your blood pressure’s too high and you must stop. You must stop talking, you must stop– you must distract yourself. Do anything, because otherwise you will say or do something you regret. And, unfortunately, we didn’t know that before this fight. Uh, ahem. Uh, emotional architecture for the fight. I have this voice. It’s been suggested to me throughout my lifetime that because of it, I might be a dumb-dumb. Which, it’s okay if I say it, no? I don’t know. Uh, but, yeah, I don’t want– like seeming incompetent, even though sometimes I am. And, um– and then also a spate of DJs in the ’90s would ask me, [low voice] “Is the age you sound the age you were molested at?” [scattered groans] [high voice] Is this where the healing begins? Oh, I was, uh– [chuckles] I was touched inappropriately as a child, so I’m not a fan of being touched, especially at work. A lot of people do this, men and women do this. Uh, it’s supposed to be comforting, I guess. They touch you by the small of your back, guiding you places. I got guided up to the stage recently. “Ah! I know where it is.” Um… If that stuff– some people feel comforted by it– if it’s something you like to do, ask next time. “Hey, do you mind if I touch you around the midriff at work?” And if I get the okay, then go for it. Uh, so, my husband– won’t speak to his experience, just that he grew up in a big family, Philadelphia. There’s no food ’cause somebody was drinking it all. And though he had a place to live, he would oftentimes, for safety, sleep in the woods. Forty years later, we’re trying to decide where to put the new TV. Uh… It’s a over-100 degree day in Los Angeles. We just moved in together. Uh, setting the scene. A little hot, tired. “Shall we put the TV on the fireplace?” “No, that’s where the fire goes.” [laughs] “Should we put it on that wall?” “No, that’s where we’re gonna do improv with the dogs, and the dogs can play whatever they want. You know, just because we have a pug and a Chihuahua doesn’t mean that’s always what they want to be in a scene. Let them identify themselves as a baby or a package.” “No, all right, let’s put the TV in the cozy corner.” “Oh, my, God. I love you so much. Cozy corner is a cozy couch corner– corner– couch corner for kissing and cuddling. [smooching] Scott leaves, the TV guy comes, he says, “Where do you want it?” I say… “On the fireplace.” And as they’re drilling two-and-a-half inch diameter holes in what I now understand to be a hundred-year-old sandstone fireplace– I think to myself, “Hmm.” Scott comes home, he says, “Where is it?” I said, “Ah.” [gasping] “Maria, we talked about this for a weird amount of time. Can I not trust you to get things done by yourself?” He goes to hug me, but I have begun to scream-cry. “Don’t you touch me. Don’t you dare touch me.” And from thence, we wrote together this song about love. Oh, wait, I forgot. Is Scott in here? -Scott, you here? [Scott] What? You gonna come down and sing the song with me? Come on, booboo. [cheers, applause] Yeah! Yay. Yeah, yeah. Look at this guy. [Maria laughs] Ah- ah. [audience cheering] Okay. [laughs] Should we start the song? ♪ Um, I’m on the phone with my mom having lots of laughs ♪ ♪ She loves all my new jokes, except for the one about Trump ♪ [imitating mother] Honey, you could get on a list. [normal voice] Mom, I can say whatever I want. ♪ No, you can’t, yes, I can ♪ [imitating mother] Honey, you sound speedy. Are you manic? [normal voice] Oh, fuck you! ♪ It’s saturation point ♪ It’s been 20– [laughs] [cheers, applause] ♪ It’s been 20 minutes we’ve been on the phone ♪ ♪ It’s saturation point ♪ We both got toxic, it just got triggered ♪ ♪ I’ll call you tomorrow, let’s just ♪ ♪ Shut up ♪ I’m on a trip with some girlfriends ♪ ♪ So fun, New Orleans ♪ Just had dinner, it’s time for dessert ♪ ♪ Marquetta says… ♪ Hey, it’s crème brulee ♪ ♪ Marquetta says, “Hey, no thanks.” ♪ Katie says… ♪ It’s crème brulee ♪ ♪ I say something I just read in a women’s magazine ♪ “Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels.” “Shut the fuck up, Maria.” ♪ It’s saturation point ♪ It’s been 72 hours, we’ve been having a girl’s time ♪ ♪ It’s saturation point ♪ We’re all menopausal, we just had martinis ♪ ♪ Let’s just change the subject ♪ ♪ there goes a blue car ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ ♪ We said things ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ ♪ We said things ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ ♪ We said things ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ ♪ We said things [cheers, applause] ♪ I’m on a walk with my husband ♪ ♪ So in love with him ♪ I tell him something I’m worried about ♪ ♪ He gives unsolicited advice ♪ ♪ I say, “Hey, I don’t feed any feedback ♪ ♪ He says… ♪ What am I, a piece of meat walking beside you? ♪ That’s actually the definition of listening. ♪ You say… ♪ That’s not funny ♪ I bring up your ♪ Dead dad ♪ Saturation point ♪ Let’s both take our phones, let’s watch animal videos ♪ ♪ The one with the dog and the monkey ♪ ♪ The mouse and the cat ♪ The duck and the chicken ♪ The turkey and the turtle ♪ Let’s just shut up ♪ I love you, you love me, let’s just ♪ ♪ Shut up ♪ I love you, you love me, let’s just ♪ ♪ Shut up [imitating mother] Hey, honey, there’s this great new book I read about by a comedian, and it just won a prize. A memoir by a comedian, it won a prize. [normal voice] Oh, I’m sorry, Mom. Is that the daughter you wanted? ♪ I love you, you love me, let’s just shut up ♪ ♪ I love you, you love me, let’s just shut up ♪ Hey, dad, what did you think of my TV show? [imitating father] Ahem, what– whatever you need to do for money. ♪ I love you, you love me ♪ ♪ Just shut up [normal voice] Uh, let’s just talk about something else, like how dogs– dogs– some people say they don’t like wearing hats, -but I– they do. -They do. Yeah, like ours get a little smile. Yeah. [high voice] I love wearing a hat. Did you hear that? The dog said it. Himself. He loves wearing hats. ♪ I love you, you love me. Good night, thank you so much. Thank you. [cheers, applause] Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Good night, thank you so much! Thank you! [cheers, applause continue] Thank you so much. Can you guys do an example of caring and sharing? Like, just with something, you know– just with your past week. I’m the only one who ever brings up a complaint or a concern. And so your– Marilyn never has brought up a concern. Oh, that’s not true. Uh, so, anyway. I don’t do it anymore. If anybody wanted to learn more about that whole business of caring and sharing, they could go to a workshop at [indistinct] in Northern California. That’s what we did, and it was pretty great. But you guys don’t do it. Yes, we do do it. You don’t do the shar– the part where you say the concern. But we don’t have– if we don’t have a big resentment. But Dad just said he stopped saying his sharing because– Because it’s a one-way street, yeah. -A one-way street. -Yeah. -Well, okay. [laughing] I’m not gonna make anything up just to take care of him. And that’s that. Oh, huh. Well, there it is.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jim Norton: Monster Rain (2007) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-monster-rain-transcript/

Thank you! Aw, thank you very much. Thank you, guys. Man, that was nice. Thank you so much for coming here tonight. Thank you all for risking your lives and coming to this neighborhood. Jesus Christ! If I do another special, maybe I can get a theatre in Fallujah. It’s so nice. I had a great thing happen this week. I was out with my girlfriend’s family… who I did not want to be out with… and I found a wonderful way to end the evening early. When it gets really quiet at the table, you just blurt out “boy, I sure would love to fuck that Dakota Fanning!” But don’t be creepy about it. After you say it, just make this face. I got a text from my girlfriend. I did not bring her with me. She’s back at my apartment in New York, and as I’m coming tonight for the gig, she sends me a text that says, “you know, you’re out of toilet paper.” And I’m thinking, “all right. Did she happen to notice, or is there a situation?” And I don’t want to think about that. You never want to think about your girlfriend, you know, beading up sweat on her forehead, turtling. So I ignore it. A minute later, I get another text… “what am I supposed to do?” I don’t know. A handstand in the shower. Jesus Christ! What do you want me to tell you? Grab a sock, learn to improv already. You’re 15 years old! And I got to be honest, man, I like having a girlfriend! I was single for so long… 5 years… and I like being in a relationship, and there’s little weird things to get used to. Like after sex, as we’re laying there, I have to keep repeating to myself, “do not hand her cash. Do not hand her cash.” Which is still a nice improvement over last year, when it was, “ignore the Adam’s apple. Ignore the Adam’s apple.” We’ve all made that mistake, haven’t we? Ha ha ha! You’re receiving an amazing blow job. All of a sudden, you’re like, “wow! That’s a wide back for a gal.” Well, now you’re at a crossroads because this is technically a homosexual act. Yet on the other hand, this fella sure knows his business. What do you do? I mean, instinctively, you understand there’s a no refund policy, so I tend to just laugh good-naturedly at myself and then blast a load right in his face. And ever since this relationship has been happening, I’ve been trying to, like, fix up my place a little bit because my apartment right now is very male-orientated. It’s geared for me. Like, all I have is, like, signed black sabbath shit on the walls, like, photos of me and Ozzy and me and Kiss. It’s like my girlfriend comes over, and she feels like she’s dating a 12-year-old retard. But I don’t know what to buy that she would like. I’m an idiot. I don’t know what women want. I would just hang up giant photos of dicks. “You like that, you size queen?” So I enlisted the help of my gay friend because gay people have so much of a better vibe for a woman’s sensibility than straight men do, but gay people are very arrogant. Like, I took my friend, furniture shopping, and he’s a gay comic, and I found this sofa that I love, so I call him over. I’m like, “what do you think?” And he’s so condescending. He runs his hand over the back, and he’s like, “eeeechhh! You idiot, the material’s too rough.” Then I realize we had different priorities when sofa shopping. When I’m buying one, I don’t have to wonder what it’s going to feel like mushed into my face for an hour at a time. To feel like mushed into my face for an hour at a time. He has to worry about that… Because he has narcolepsy. He tends to doze off while he’s getting poked in the shitter. But I’m not homophobic, I guess, because I’ve been such a pervert for so long. Like, I’ve been sexually active since I was in second grade, and, you know, growing up I didn’t give a shit. I played monster rain when I was a kid, which I told… I did tell that story on the radio, and it was a fun little game. Miss, you look a little confused. Are you not familiar with it? You never heard of monster rain? It’s the most adorable thing! And it’s true, too. When I was very young, my little friend and I would walk along, and one of us would yell, “monster rain!” And then to get away from the monster rain, we’d hide under a porch and blow each other. A porch and blow each other. That’s how we escaped the monster rain. In hindsight, an umbrella would have been more prudent. And it wasn’t about being gay, though. It was just about feeling somebody’s mouth on your dick, and the key… Again, second grade. It was about getting your friend to go first because, like, the key… Because there’s no subtlety when you’re that young. Like, if my friend would blow me and then go “my turn!” You know, I’d be like, “I got to go eat lunch!” And leave him under the porch with his shame and dick breath. Then I’d rat him out to the whole neighborhood. “He’s a queerbait. He licked my dingle.” But I think gay men are fascinating, though, because I heard they do this thing called “docking.” All right. A couple people have heard of this. Docking supposedly is when two guys will stand face to face and put their dick heads together, and one of the guys has to be uncircumcised… – Ha ha ha! And the uncircumcised guy peels his foreskin over the head of the other guy’s penis, and that’s where I bailed out of the conversation. But I am so mad at myself. I really wish I had stuck with it because I’m dying to know what happens next? What do you do? Do you say anything to each other, or do you just look at each other and laugh hysterically? I’m actually jealous. That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard of that gay guys can refuel in mid air. And I did my first midwestern gigs… I was in Kansas City actually at the same time that that, hurricane, torna… What was it? Tornado… whatever, whatever. Hillbilly mover. Merciful wind from a knowledgeable god. And I spent some time down south. I went to Dallas, which was really cool. When I was down there, I went to see where JFK was shot at Dealey Plaza. Has anybody made the trip, made that pilgrimage down there? It’s kind of awe inspiring, right? It’s, it’s smaller than I thought it would be. And the only difference between that day and today is the stemmons freeway sign, which he disappeared behind, has been taken away, and where he took the third and final shot, a big white “x” has been painted in the street so you know exactly where it happened. Um, at least I hope that was put there after the assassination because… If that was there the day of, that’s sloppy police work. “Oswald didn’t act alone. He had a Puerto Rican kid with him.” But there’s an “x,” and what people will do is when traffic is stopped up at the light, they run out into the street, they stand on the “x,” and they get their photos taken, and you’re watching this like, “you voyeuristic, morbid piece of shit.” Until it’s your turn to have your photo taken. You try to look dignified. I didn’t care. I fucked around. I didn’t care. I fucked around. I even did a little Jackie. But after I came off the “x,” this annoying, awful couple was behind me, and they had been snipping at each other the whole time, and so the awful woman runs out, and she’s standing there, and she’s just yelling at her stupid husband, and this nervous fruit is trying to operate his camera, and a car is headed towards her, and she doesn’t see it, so I go, “let it happen.” I saw the greatest story of my life about to unfold, and stupid, pussy-whipped husband warned her, and as he warned her, you could see him regretting it because he’s like, “get out of the way!” But in his face he was like, “why the fuck am I saying this?” How funny would that have been? Two people in history killed on that spot… Jfk and that bitch. And I actually lived out in Los Angeles for a little while when I was out there shooting “lucky Louie.” I thank those of you that supported “lucky Louie.” Despite my fucking muggy acting. “Where are you, Lou?” Jesus Christ. And I think we deserved season two. Unfortunately, we got cancelled, but that happens. Um, what bothers more is not the fact that we got cancelled. It’s the fact that we got cancelled and you can still turn on 8 different channels and watch poker. Enough with the poker obsession in this country. My fat friend is obsessed with it. He’s like, “dude, you want to play hold ’em? Let’s play hold ’em!” All “all right. How about this? “I’ll pull out my balls. Hold ’em with your mouth.” And it kind of bugs me because to me they’re not showing gamblers. Like, I’m a recovering alcoholic and a recovering addict. I understand the mania of obsession. You know, if one is good, 50 is better! I mean, I cannot stop ever. So show me that type of gambler. Don’t show me the top one one thousandth of a percent of rich gamblers. Show me the average schlub. “Tune in next week to watch Doyle brunson punch his wife “in the face because she’s crying because the lights are turned off again.” Because I don’t think those guys are playing for their own money anyway because they’re all celebrities now, so they’re playing for sponsor money or network money. To me, that’s not interesting. How about a little risk? That would make it more interesting to me as a viewer. Like, if they win they keep the money, but if they lose they have to drink gas or blow an aids patient. A bit harsh, perhaps, but let’s see your poker face now, motherfucker. Now, motherfucker. “Well, judging by the looks of things, if he doesn’t pull a 5 or a 7, he’s going to be losing weight rapidly.” And I actually… I actually enjoyed L.A. more than I ever have. I kind of like it out there now, um, but I had a very bad injury. A lot of people have heard me complain about my foot. Um, I twisted my ankle horribly. What actually happened is I was in a building in Los Angeles that was burning, and I was trying to run out, of course, because, you know, nobody one wants to lose their lips and eyelashes. Jesus Christ. God bless burn victims. They always look like they walked into their own surprise party. Little tuft of hair. If it’s any consolation, I don’t really feel good about that line either. So I’m in this building, and I’m running for the front door, and I tripped over a small, um, kid, who had fallen. Totally his fault. You know how selfish children are. “Help me!” “Fuck you!” And now I got to get surgery. Um, I could have avoided surgery if I had just put some insoles in that were supportive, but did you ever remember the commercial for a product and the commercial is so awful you don’t want to support that advertising through product purchase? That “you gellin’?” Ad campaign… I want to find who wrote that. I want to bite their nose off and spit it back in their fuckin’ face. If you haven’t seen the commercial, in the commercial there’s been a bit of a Fender bender, and the two gentlemen are outside surveying the damage, and they realize they’re in a better mood than they should be considering they’ve had a little accident and there’s a 10-year-old trapped in between the bumpers. And they intuitively recognize that their good mood can be directly attributed to their comfy footwear! So they address each other. The one guy goes “you gellin’?” And the other guy goes “like Magellan.” And then they suck each other’s dicks. And then they suck each other’s dicks. Gellin’ is in the word Magellan. That’s not a real rhyme. “How long you been tired?” “Ever since I retired” is not a legitimate rhyme scheme. They could have had fun with that! One of the gentlemen was African-American. How great would that have been? “You gellin’?” “Like a watermelon.” Maybe a prostitute walks in and says to her pimp, “you gellin’?” And he knocks her teeth out. “Bitch, get back to pussy sellin’!” Thank you, by the way, for laughing at the racially inappropriate one. Why do white people have such a guilt complex? We don’t need to feel guilty. Most of us don’t need to feel guilty. If you’re over 70 and you live in Mississippi, ok. Chances are, you owe a few apologies, but a lot of times, we don’t even realize we have it until we see another white person doing something racist, and then we all react a certain way because it taps into something in us. Like, Michael Richards. That was the greatest thing ever because this fucking asshole goes onstage in Los Angeles and yells all this shit that most people only think or yell out a car window, and the whole country is in an outrage. “Could you believe what he said?” “Yeah.” Why? Because I don’t’ take my social or racial cues from him. He’s not a politician. He’s not my spiritual advisor. He’s a jerk-off who made a living for 10 years sliding on a floor going “hellooo, Jerry.” I don’t give a fuck about anything he thinks. And the fact that imus got fired is a fucking disgrace. It’s a fucking disgrace. – But everybody knew he didn’t mean it to be hateful. He was only trying to make an ugly joke about a bunch of girls, and people turned it around. Are we not allowed to make fucking ugly jokes anymore? Look. I hate to break it to you, but the rutgers female basketball team… They’re not lookers. They’re not lookers. That’s one reason they’re so good at what they do. They had to practice in high school. You know, it’s like, “well, it’s a Saturday night. “We’re all 6’5″, and no one will fuck us. What do you want to do?” “I don’t know. Let’s throw the ball around for a little while.” Why do you think I’m a comedian? Because I got pussy all the time? No! And I love the way politicians have to weigh in. Like Hillary Clinton, who never takes a stand until the public has decided, was gonna go and visit the team to help the healing begin. Does this phony bitch had to get her mullet into the middle of everything? Of everything? With her phony voice inflection. “I want to go and help everybody heal.” Shut up, puppet mouth. What was she gonna say to a bunch of athletes? “You know, it’s ironic that you all play basketball, yet I have thicker calves and ankles than all of you.” Or maybe she was worried. She thought her husband fucked a couple of them. Maybe that was the problem. When are women going to stop looking at Hillary Clinton like she’s the picture of strength and feminism. Why? All she did is stay with a guy who fucked everybody. He was rubbing his dick on a fat girl’s face. “I didn’t see it. It didn’t happen.” What really bothered me though, it wasn’t the fact that politicians came out against it… because they are all scumbags, and that’s what you expect them to do. It was the fact the way the rest of the country jumped on that bandwagon. The phony outrage around imus made me sick. Hip-hop was outraged! Rappers. Snoop! Snoop! Not the adorable one who lays on the doghouse with the little bird on him. No. The other one with the gun charges. Snoop said it was degrading to black women, as opposed to when he walks them into awards shows on a leash. When he walks them into awards shows on a leash. And somebody asked snoop, “well, what about rap lyrics?” And snoop said, and I quote, “well, it’s different in rap “because we’re not talking about girls in college who are “excelling in sports. “We’re talking about hos from the neighborhood who ain’t doing shit but trying to get a n i g g e r for his money.” Well said. And you know the number two hip-hop song in the country when the Imus thing happened was “I’m a flirt” by R. Kelly, and in it, he calls girls hos, and we all remember the friendly little video he put out a few years ago. “There’s no toilet available. Come here, kid. You’ll do.” Whoopi Goldberg really annoyed me. It’s like, Whoopi, you’re a comedian. Why they fuck would you be against anyone saying anything? Especially racial when she had her whole thing with Ted Danson. Remember the Ted Danson incident a few years ago? 15 years ago, whatever? They were dating. I really am an asshole who should have read the facts before I started pontificating like a fucking bore. But her and Ted Danson were getting all this racism for their relationship, so to address the racism, at a friar’s club thing, Ted Danson put on blackface and ate watermelon, and the whole country jumped on him, and Whoopi jumped to his defense saying, “no. He’s not a racist. He was just doing this and that.” Why is it ok to defend Ted Danson and not Imus? Why? Because Imus is a little older and he’s not good-looking and crazy enough to fuck Whoopi? I don’t know how she pulled off… I don’t know how she pulled off Ted Danson. Maybe she had photos of him fucking blowing Norm or somebody else from that show. People love being offended and feeling self-righteous indignation. It’s like if you talk about Islam. You can’t make fun of Islam because that makes you Islamophobic, which is fear of Islam. Ok. Accurate. Look. I don’t hate Muslims. I really don’t, but as a group, their problem-handling skills are not good. A Danish cartoonist did an offensive cartoon. All over the middle east, they were rioting and trampling each other to death and setting embassies on fire. Don’t Muslims ever just fire off an angry e-mail? “I didn’t appreciate that.” Send! And during the riots… during the riots, I saw some footage from Pakistan, which really hurt because it’s my favorite vacation spot, and there was a group of very pissed off Muslims attacking a McDonald’s, and they said they were attacking it because it was American. Look. I understood why they were mad at America. A Danish cartoonist did something offensive, it was reprinted in France, Germany, and Turkey, so naturally it’s our fault! But they were attacking… You know the creepy Ronald that sits on the bench and stares into the playland? They had knocked him into the dirt, and they were stomping on him, you know, because he’s a Jew. And they were staring defiantly into the camera. Like we, as Americans, are gonna sit home going, “no. “Not the shiny, red-headed, plastic pedophile, who sits “outside the restaurant that makes me shit 3 minutes “after I eat it. Noooo!” What are they gonna do next? Cut the clit off the Wendy’s girl? Look. Every religion gets attacked somehow in the media. It’s not acceptable to react violently. Not long after those riots, kanye west appeared on the cover of “rolling stone” wearing a crown of thorns, and that offended and pissed off a lot of people. It didn’t bother me. I knew why he was doing it. Like, he’s a rapper, they’re underpaid, they’re martyrs. I get it. But there was a lot of very, very angry christians, but they weren’t showing violence, they weren’t attacking black interests, you know, running through supermarkets, dumping kool-aid all over the floor. Beating the shit out of 300-pound white girls who are pissed off at their fathers. Pissed off at their fathers. I will say one thing about islamic terrorism. It has made white people and black people a lot happier to see each other in the airports. I do not have one ounce of racial discomfort with black people on a plane. I don’t care if I’m the only white face. It could be me and the wu-tang clan. “Welcome aboard, fellas.” Granted, I’m not going to hear a word of the in-flight movie… But at least I know we’re going to have a safe, hijacking-free flight. Then once we land, they can beat the shit out of me and take my starter jacket at baggage claim. And, like, as Americans, we don’t want to be racist. I don’t want to make middle eastern guys who are just living honest lives feel uncomfortable, but it’s instinctive because the attacks are being carried out by civilians, so if I see middle eastern guys getting on my flight, I wish I didn’t, but I look a little… a little differently. Um, you know, I try to look like I’m an air marshal… But I’m not at all intimidating, so I look like I’m cruising them in a rest area. For a while, you couldn’t bring water on the flight. That is scary… water! All I want on a plane is to not hit a mountain and sip my beverage. Why water? Why couldn’t they put bombs inside a crying infant? How great would that be? Finally, no more of those little douchebags on the plane. “That’s my baby.” Fuck you, lady. Anyone under 5 has to be fedexed. I’m not blowing up in mid-air because your husband didn’t have the decency to pull out and aim for your face. I tell you one thing, man, we really are becoming a celebrity-obsessed country, and the media is just repulsive, and I’m not saying I don’t get star-struck or I don’t love celebrities. I do. I love them, but, Jesus Christ, the way they covered the Virginia tech shooting is the same way they covered imus. It’s the same way they covered Anna Nicole Smith’s death. Are we ok to talk about that now? Are we over it? I had to take a week off myself. Could you believe it was drugs? Did we need a fucking press conference for that? They should have come out an hour later. “What the fuck do you think it was? “It was as plane crash. “She died in a plane crash. Her plane hit a mountain of methamphetamines.” Jesus Christ. That junkie bitch, they found everything in her system but trimspa. You know, and the Britney Spears coverage. She’s so fucking phony. And I don’t hate Britney. Again, I started to like her when she tried to look like me. I don’t think she’s in big trouble. I think she’s being phony and just doing the whole “star with a problem” routine to get some attention because nobody’s talking about her anymore. Nobody talks about fucking her. Nobody cares. I mean, for years she was really sexy, and now people just look at her like she’s a mom and not like a sexy milf type of mother but a shitty Susan Smith type of bitch. I mean, Jesus Christ. At least Angelina Jolie goes to some third world shitbox and grabs some fucking thing and puts it on her shoulder and washes it and waves at the crowd. And makes us all feel guilty. We get it. You’re a better person than we are. We get it. But, Jesus Christ, Britney had her own kids. She’s swinging on by the cock, the other one’s on the hood of the car. She’s doing 80. Jesus Christ. K-fed was no dummy because he got Britney pregnant twice. You know every time he fucked her he probably just came and went,” cha-ching. Cha-ching.” He probably didn’t waste a load in 3 years. She’d go on the road, he’d jerk off into a baggie, and then when she came back, he’d squeeze it into her pussy like space food. She’d wake up, he’d be between her legs decorating a cake. And I don’t mind her trying to recapture her sexy image. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the way she’s being dishonest about it. Just pose naked. Don’t try to hang out with Paris Hilton and suck off some of that vibe without taking the risk of being really nude because Paris Hilton deserves to be a sex symbol because she had sex, had the decency to film it and sell it, and I appreciate that. I respect that, even though it was that awful green light that they use to catch Mexicans sneaking into Texas. But she was a good lay. That should be a requirement to be a sex symbol in this day and age. We should have to see you fuck. Who knows what Marilyn Monroe was like? She might have been awful. She might have grabbed DiMaggio’s balls and just smashed them like, “arrrwww.” Paris Hilton was wonderful. She took Rick Salomon’s big old dick with a big Hilton “h” behind her… How do you not love that… Shaming mother and father. I would have respected her more if she did it in a ramada inn. That would have been a great fuck you to the family. Mmwww, mmwwww. “And these beds are so comfy!” Mmwww, mmwww. But you see, Britney Spears tried to take a page out of that playbook by doing the little oopsie shots when she got out of the limo. “Oopsie Daisy. Don’t look up my skirt. Tee hee hee. Don’t look!” And her pussy was the ugliest pussy I have ever seen in my life. Britney Spears’ vagina was atrocious. It looked like bill Murray’s mouth in caddyshack. And another thing I resent is the fact that Heather Mills is somehow now a celebrity in our country, Paul McCartney’s soon-to-be ex-wife. Why is she a celebrity? I don’t know what happened in their marriage. I’m not going to say I do, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s her fault. Bitch, you have one leg, and you married one of the Beatles. How do you fuck that up? Every conversation in that house should have been, “I’m a little hungry, love.” “Here’s your sandwich.” Blla, blla, blla, blla. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. “We’re out of toilet paper, love.” “Are we?” Blla, blla, blla, blla. Hop, hop, hop. She wants $60 million? That bitch. She should leave that marriage with nothing but a bag of pristine left shoes. I’d love to push her into a pool and watch her swim in circles for an hour and a half. Why would he marry her? You want to fuck her doggie style, you got to prop her up with phone books. Aw, you know who I have grown to love by the way? Can I tell you who I never liked and like now? Ann coulter. I never liked her because I think she’s kind of a snotty twat of a human being, but she has balls, man. She refused to apologize. She called John Edwards a faggot, and the whole country was, you know, “how could she call John Edwards a faggot?” Gee. I don’t know. Maybe she looked at him once? The guy has hair like one of the lego people. And to me, he proved the fact that he wasn’t qualified to be president or anything else because he couldn’t even be honest as a man in his response to what she said. He came off like some fucking mid-level retail manager. “I have no opinion on Ann coulter.” How could you not? She just told the whole country that you suck dicks. How do you not make fun of Ann coulter? She’s an 80-pound anorexic with witch hair and a neck like a tranny. How do you not trash her? Ooh! Would I like to dominate that dirty bitch sexually. I would be really fucking hardcore with her because I am very dominant in bed. Yeah. A lot of people say it’s rape. No. No. At the end, I always show them that the gun is fake. I’m like,” “you got me. Tee hee hee hee hee!” I would like to grab Ann coulter by the hair and just lay her back and have her head hang over the edge of the bed and pinch her nose, and when she went… I would just straddle her face and mouth-fuck her. Ughhh. Uhhhn. She would sound like Luca brasi being killed. “Ohhhhh!” Tears would roll out over the top of her forehead and into her hair. “Ughhh!” Jesus Christ. Now you can’t even say faggot. That’s the f-word. “Don’t say the f-word. Don’t say the n-word. Don’t say the c-word.” How the hell is anyone supposed to know when you’re addressing them? And it’s so weird. Like, I have to pull back. My girlfriend’s really open-minded, but I panic that I’m gonna freak her out because I have been such a dirtbag for so long. Like, you ever think you know what somebody wants sexually, and then you realize that you read her wrong? You know what I mean? You’re like, “I bet you want to be spanked.” “I don’t like being spanked.” “I don’t blame you.” “Why would you? You’re an adult.” Or the worst, you ever go to spank somebody and miss? Sexy vibe over. Like instead of a crispy slap to the ass cheek, your wrist clumsily thuds on her spine? Thwack! My cyst! Now you got to wipe tapioca off the wall. But I notice weird stuff in bed, too. It’s weird when you get to know a new person sexually, how, like, your mind works really weird. Like, you ever notice non-sexual things in a sexual moment? Like, my girlfriend and I were in bed. I’m laying on my back trying to suck in my stupid gut, and she’s sitting between my legs, and she’s playing with me. Sexy though. I mean, it wasn’t like “errrrhhh. And I don’t know why I noticed that she was jerking me off with her left hand. I don’t know why that registered, and I certainly don’t know why I blurted out “you’re a lefty?” I get so freaked out sexually, man. That’s the source of my greatest insecurity, and I think that’s the truth with most men. Maybe women, too. I don’t know. Um, how much discussion of a person’s past sexual history is appropriate? I mean, like, you know, are guys as a couple? All right. Did you ask her questions about her past sexually? No. You didn’t. Ok. There’s two types of men in the world… Smart men… And dumb motherfuckers. That’s the way to go. Don’t ask shit. See, a lot of guys don’t want to know. They want to think the panties are coming off. That is the pussy coming out of the package for the very first time. You want to blow on it and see those little packing peanuts fly off of it, and I actually made the mistake of asking my girlfriend how big her ex-boyfriend’s dick was. Check ethnicity first. I don’t know why I asked, man. It was so stupid. We’re just talking. I’m like, “well, did your ex have a big dick?” And she goes “why would you ask me that?” Which immediately set off a little alarm because that’s a lot longer than “no.” I’m like, “I don’t know. I’m just curious. Was his dick big?” And she’s like, “yeeaah, but it was kind of uncomfortable. It was like a Pepsi can.” A Pepsi can? “First of all, did you have to be brand loyal? “And second of all, you whore! “How was that only kind of uncomfortable? If there’s a Pepsi can in your pussy, it should hurt a lot!” And she’s like, “well, I don’t know why it bothers you.” Gee, I don’t know, because my nickname isn’t two-liter Jimmy! How do I follow that? How do I ever dominate her sexually again. “Yeah, take it all, and 5 more like it while you’re at it. Lay back, baby. I’m going to fill you with averageness and mediocrity.” A Pepsi can! Red bull I maybe could have accepted, but Pepsi? And the better she tried to make me feel, the more I wanted to kill myself because she was like,” you shouldn’t worry. Yours is nice.” Ughhhh. So’s my grandmother. You don’t want her shoved in your snatch do, you? Nice? Good. The next time I take my dick out, hand it a lemon cookie and pat it on the helmet. Insecurity is so bad sexually because we’ve also got this thing going on… she knows a lot about me, and we both… I’m wearing condoms in this relationship. I’m wearing condoms in the relationship, and it’s not my choice, believe me. I mean, for years, my idea of an AIDS test was to check a girl up and down. “All right. You seem fine. You’re not coughing or tipping over, I’ll fuck you.” But my girlfriend was like, “no. Before we have any “unprotected sex, we are both getting tested. You get tested. I’ll get tested, too.” It’s like stop patronizing me. We both know who the problem is. “Why are you getting tested? “Did you ever go to Brazil and fuck a hooker “without a rubber? I didn’t think so rookie. Have jell-o. I’ll go to the doctor.” Never bring your girlfriend to get your test results because no girl wants to see her boyfriend run out of the doctor’s office screaming, “holy shit! I’m ok! “I don’t know how the fuck that happened. “Statistically, that is a miracle. “I never wore a bag. Ha ha ha ha!” What happened was one night we were sending each other over-the-top dirty text messages, just being silly and playful, like rally dirty things like, “I’m gonna smack your face with my dick and knock your teeth loose.” She wrote that to me! And I think I said something about, like, “I want you to eat my ass until the cows come home, you silly goose.” And I’ve never been big on having my ass eaten. I don’t care about it. Um, if you want to do it, god bless you. It does feel good. Any of you, by the way, male or female, would be lucky to Bury your face in my dumper. It’s this big. There’s not a hair on the little fella. It looks like Charlie Brown’s head split down the middle. And one girl I dated loved to eat my ass. She was a little submissive. I’d put her on her back, and I’d plop my ass on her mouth. I’d say something sexy… “lick.” But one time, I think I had too much weight on her because she started slapping my thigh. It was like the ultimate fighting championship. She was trying to tap out. I didn’t realize she couldn’t breathe! I lifted up, and she was like… I almost killed a girl with my asshole! And I had very mixed feelings. Like, I was glad she was ok, but a part of me was like, “man, that would have been a great story.” So my girlfriend said to me… We were talking later that night about the text messages, and she goes, “you know the ass eating thing?” I was like, “yeah.” And she’s like, “I would never eat your ass until you got tested for hepatitis.” And it’s like, Jesus Christ, I understand the science of it, but you know I don’t have AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia. So it’s like the front is ok, but the back needs further testing? It just felt really annoying and creepy, so now I am obsessed with her eating my ass, and I got tested for hepatitis. I have nothing. I am completely healthy, you know, thanks to the magic of white-out. The way I’m going to break it to her is she’s gonna walk into my living room one time. I’m gonna have my pants around my ankles and my head on the edge of the sofa with my test results taped to my back. “Read the menu, bitch. Brunch is served.” And we try not to have jealousy in the relationship because jealousy is a motherfucker in a relationship, and I have it worse than she does, but I’ll tell you what freaked her out… the porn awards. And the highlight of the porn awards for me was not seeing the hot chicks. It was meeting different celebrities like Larry flynt. I got to talk to Larry flynt, who got shot… especially with all the shit that’s going on in our country now over political correctness and all this fucking nonsense. He got shot for free speech, man. I tried to have, like, a moment with him. I’m like, “Mr. Flynt, I just want to thank “you for all you’ve done for free speech. “It means a lot to me that you took a bullet and you went to the supreme court.” And I think I moved him on some level, because he’s like, “auuuggghhhhh.” I’m paraphrasing. Then I tipped over his wheelchair and t-bagged him. “Smell those, godless pornographer!” “Auuuggghhhhh.” And of course, the evening would not be complete if I didn’t introduce two of my favorite people in the world, who are responsible for so much of this career… my career. Opie and Anthony, stand up. Opie and Anthony, you two. No. Opie and Anthony, stand up. There you go. There you go. There you go. Yes. Thank you guys so much, and thanks for coming, man. I’m glad you guys are here. Thank you, man. Wouldn’t it be funny if they don’t sign the release, and I have to just blob their heads out? Shit. I got to tell you, too, a really cool sexual experience I had. One of the coolest experiences of my life I had in the 2004 porn awards. It was… I hosted with Jenna Jameson, and after the porn awards, I had a threesome with Ron Jeremy. And a girl, and a girl! It wasn’t Ron and a guy and lucky Jim! Or as I’m now known, the shish kebab kid! And I’ll tell you exactly what happened. My friend Dennis owns the bunny ranch, which is a legal whorehouse in Nevada, which he’s invited me to many times, and I’ve never gone to. Like, I don’t like the idea that it’s legal and fun. If I’m gonna get a hooker, I’m don’t want to be partying on a ranch. I want to be behind a warehouse in Brooklyn for $35. You know, some black girl with arms like Kobe Bryant and a crooked blond wig. “Hi, again, daddy.” All right, all right, all right. But I was so depressed because I was not meeting any girls after the porn awards, so I go up to Dennis’ room, and this is completely the truth. It was the most surreal thing I’d ever seen. I walk into the room, and there is Ron Jeremy fucking a girl on the bed. She’s on her hands and knees, and Ronnie is standing behind her. I walk in. He’s like, “hey, man, how’re you doing?” And I’m like, “all right.” And I can’t see much because he has a long hockey Jersey, but then he pulls all the way out, and there it was. Jesus did I stare. I think I even went, “oooh.” I was cock-struck. I really wanted a picture with it. So he starts fucking her again, and looks at me, and he goes “hey, man. I think she needs a cock in her mouth,” which is my cue. So I look at her to see it it’s ok because you have to confirm that. You can’t just run over and jam your dick in someone’s mouth. You might feel like a silly goose. “What are you doing?” “You look like you needed it.” But she was totally cool. And I’m normally not big on being sexual in a group because I get too nervous, man. For me to keep an erection, everything has to be perfect. You know, “dim the lights, touch my nipples, no talking!” But this is Ron Jeremy. This is like the pope giving mass, saying, “could you come up and help?” All right. It’s not exactly like that. So I take it out. She grabs it, she pops it in her mouth. Ron is fucking her, I am having a real and legitimate threesome with a porn legend, and I’m thinking, “this is great.” Without warning, Ron grabs her hips and goes pow! And she jumps forward, and my life flashes before my eyes. And he sees the look on my face, and he laughs, and he goes, “ha! I did that on purpose. I just wanted to show you the biggest no-no in porn. Whenever you’re having a two-on-one, you never thrust that hard, or you could seriously injure the other guy.” “Thank you.” And then I realize, that’s how you know you have a giant cock, when you can injure another person… Through a third party. If I want to hurt you with my dick, I have to pour tabasco sauce on the helmet and jam it in your eye. And I got to say, I don’t want to end on too political a note. I don’t want to be too political, but I got to say, ladies, please, shave your pussies. Shave them! I hate pubic hair! If I see hair on your pussy, I’ll put tape on it and rip it off myself. Didn’t have time to shave? Then you shouldn’t have had time to eat lobster. Evolution gives us pubic hair so we don’t freeze to death. We have things now like clothing and the indoors, so unless a stegosaurus is licking your twat, pick up a razor, you chimp. It’s getting caught in my teeth. And a lot of times, women don’t get it. They always say things like, “I don’t want to shave it all. It makes me look 12.” Yes! You see, I like things on women that sometimes you don’t even like on yourselves. I find odd things sexy. Like, I like big, dark areolas. I love that. The one that starts at the nipple and ends around the third rib. I love that. Your titties should look like you’re wearing a brown dunce cap. And I like a shaved pussy because I like to see it. I love the way a vagina looks just fucking bare and naked and fucking massive. I like a big pussy, a stack of luncheon meat. I like… unh… a gargoyle, a fucking gargoyle. After we fuck, I want to throw your cunt on top of a library. Fucking big, meaty pussy. When you’re wearing white panties, it should look like Freddie Kruger coming through the wall. Unh. Dangling, long labia. A pussy that resembles a poorly packed suitcase. And I know a lot of girls are going “that’s disgusting.” I’m not talking to you. So take your thin pussy and fucking beat it. Take that little guppy mouth you call a cunt and hit the bricks, sister. I like a big, fat, juicy vagina, and I like a big clit. I want a clit you can see through snow pants. Big, giant lips and a fat clit. It should look like a basset hound wearing a miner’s helmet. Retarded. I want your pussy to look retarded. It should have down syndrome. When your panties come aside, it should just flop out. “Duhhhh.” My girlfriend has a great pussy. Her vagina fucking rules. It’s of the smaller variety, but it’s wet. I’ve never felt a wetter pussy than my girlfriend’s. God love her little soul. The first time I noticed, we were in the car, and, um… And I felt it through her jeans, and I pulled away, and I got, like, that, like… you know that sexy slime you get? Like, it feel like somebody went “achoo.” Like, that sexy… And obviously this is not the sexiest way to put it, but I’m like, “wow. You get wet. And you’re a lefty.” But I’m like, “wow. You get wet.” And she’s like, “yeah. I’ve always been that way.” “Thanks. For a second I thought it was me, but, no, apparently it’s anybody with a hand or a Pepsi.” But, no, apparently it’s anybody with a hand or a Pepsi.” You ever get a squirter? Anybody ever get a squirter? A few guys have. It’s beautiful. There are women that ejaculate when they have an orgasm, and I was, like, 25 before I realized this. When I give head, I like to be on my back. Like, I want one leg there and one leg there. It’s like wearing a pussy iPod. You know, just pbbb. But you got to be careful. When you’re in that position, you are very vulnerable because women are brutal, man. When you’re on your back, she’ll put her palm on your forehead and then just grind over your face. You’re not a human being anymore. Your face is a bumpy thing she’s using to rub her clit on. In her mind, she’s 10, and you’re a horsy in front of the supermarket. Believe me. If you died, she would not notice until she was finished. And you feel stupid, so you try helping. You’re like, “auughh.” You’re like Terri Schiavo eating pussy. “Auughh. Auughh.” And this girl started to have an orgasm. It was like a super soaker. It was like… And I’m like, “gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.” I have never been more turned on in my life. I just wanted more. I was like, “ahhhhhhh. Rrrrrr.” “Rrrrrr.” And then after it was over, she got self-conscious. She’s like, “that wasn’t piss!” And I realized that it hadn’t occurred to me whether it was or wasn’t! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out. Thank you, guys, very much. Thank you very much. I love you. Thank you. Thank you, and thank you to black sabbath! Thank you to black sabbath.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIM NORTON: AMERICAN DEGENERATE (2013) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-american-degenerate-transcript/

This year I wanted the opening of my new special to feel, well, special. So I wanted to get somebody who is not only well known but who my audience will understand is very important to me personally. Wow, that’s, I’m honored Jimmy. Not you. Oh. No offense but I was kind of hoping for someone a little more famous. Oh why would I be offended, my best friend is a shallow twat that doesn’t think I’m famous enough to talk on camera before he does an hour of creepy dick jokes. [LAUGHTER] Creepy dick jokes? It’s my comedy special. It’s not creepy. [Gasping] [laughter] Don’t be scared you little bitch, you doing good. [CHEERING] I’m your number one fan, you’re my favorite character. I cried when you got shot. You’re one annoying mother fucker, you do know that right? [KNOCKING] Come in. [LAUGHTER] Everything alright? Yea, everything is good. Are those tits on your back? They do look nice. Ha ha, thanks. Please let me know when you’re done violating Mr. Norton cause he’s got to get on stage soon. Shit. Damn. Well in that case, everybody get on your mother fucking feet and lets give a warm mother fucking welcome for the legendary Jim Norton! Yea baby! [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank you. Thanks. I am so happy to be finally shooting a special in Boston. Thank you for coming. It’s great to be here. Ah, I got to start off with some good news. Uh, Casey Anthony, uh, has announced that she’s bankrupt, which is nice to know. Ah, and she says she wants to change her name because she’s getting death threats, so she wants to change it to something less controversial. I vote for “Hitler 9/11 Cunt.” What a horrible woman. At worst-case scenario she killed her kid. At best case, she knew the kid was missing and she did nothing. I am this close from not wanting to fuck her. As of right now I still do. You know, one kid we’ve all lost, but one more dead kid and she’s on thin ice with me. There’s a new pope. What a weird thing to see in our lifetimes. I like the new pope better than the last pope, because the last guy, Benedict, gave me the creeps. He just looked like a little mouth– [MUMBLING] He looked like that guy that gets stuff for Dracula in the afternoon. The new pope I like. I was hoping for a black pope. I think it’s time. And you know he would already own his own red shoes, purple robes and bulletproof car. I hope I didn’t offend the one black person in attendance. Thank God you’re here. I need a more diversified audience. My audience is white and Grand Wizard. I wish I had more black fans. I really– I feel like black people don’t like me. And I was talking to Patrice one time, and I said– [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yeah. I was talking to Patrice, and I’m like, “Why don’t black people like me?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” He goes, “I think that black people should like you, but we look at you and think we shouldn’t.” And it just made sense. I got it. I’m like, Yes, this is not the look that endears you to black people. This is not the friendly look. I look like every guy on the jury in 1955. And I love coming up here so much. This is one of the few cities I actually go out and enjoy while I’m here. I literally am so obsessive with work. I don’t travel to do anything for fun. The last thing I did just for the fuck of it was I went to Chicago over the summer to see Sabbath at Lollapalooza, which um… Yeah, I went to see Sabbath. And I have this really weird thing. Like, during a comedy show you guys know that you can’t yell to each other, but why is it when you’re watching a band people feel free to put their stupid face this close and just tell you what a great time they’re having? “Dude, this is amazing.” With that fucking beer breath. And you’re like, “Ugh, well, it would be better if you were dead. Shutp.” I hate it. So I’m watching Sabbath. They had just come out. Ozzy was literally into the first verse of the opening song, and this girl comes up and starts talking to me. And I can see that she’s really drunk, and she looks high as well. So I’m like, All right, good, I’ll talk to her. Because it turns me on a lot when I see a girl trying to focus. Because I’m thinking, “Ooh, she’ll never remember this.” I’m just fast-forwarding until she’s puking out my passenger window and I can do this to her heinie. Or if we’re in England… But at first I didn’t know her. She walks up to me and it was like she was really loaded, and she goes, “Hey, are you Jim Norton?” And I said, “Yes, I am.” And she goes, “Oh, God, I love you.” And then she reaches out and grabs my dick and starts squeezing. That’s the whole story. That’s the beginning, middle and end of a story I call “Yay, Chicago.” And my manager’s always trying to get me to travel more. He’s always like, “You got to go out and see the world, because all you do is gigs.” Like, he’s been to Afghanistan, he’s been to Indonesia. He goes to, like, these hard-core Islamic countries. And he’s a Jew. And he’s just one of those guys who embraces all cultures, and they know to like him. I don’t know how he gets away with going to these places, but he’s like, “You just don’t understand the Middle East.” I’m like, “I know, and I don’t want to learn on the job.” But here’s the thing. Every piece of footage I see from the Middle East is they’re angry at us for some reason, and I never know what it is because I don’t speak the language. And I guess the last one was uh, Benghazi, over in ah, in Libya. And there was all these crazy riots, and– It looked like it was a 9/11 anniversary ah, thing. But at first they said, “No, it’s about a movie that Muslims found offensive,” which actually made sense to me, because I’ve seen movies I didn’t like. And I tried to gather up a group of people to burn the theater down and kill everyone in it, you know, while we all stood outside chanting “Caddyshack 2, Caddyshack 2.” And what’s so scary is, like, whenever they riot in the Middle East, they always yell “Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar.” That is scary shit. But it shouldn’t be scary, because I think literally translated it means “God is great, ” which shouldn’t that make you feel good when you hear it? Even if you’re not religious. Like, even if you’re an atheist, if someone yells “God is great,” you ought to go, “Ah, what the fuck. He’s all right, I guess.” But if you’re in Libya and you hear “Allahu Akbar,” duck. And, you know, fair enough. I’ve never seen it said at fun times. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve never seen, like, footage of a 9-year-old’s birthday party where everyone’s sitting around, you know, “Allahu Akbar.” If I did see that I’d be afraid when he blew out the candle the cake would explode. But then people accuse me of being anti-Muslim or anti-Islamic. I’m not at all. Hey, it’s not my fault “Allahu Akbar” has become the “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” of beheading videos. And look, it’s not to say we don’t have violence in America. Obviously we have gun violence here, which is scary. And I have weird feelings about the second Amendment, because that’s like the big raging debate. Like, I believe in the second Amendment. I think that if somebody is responsible, they should be able to own a gun and defend themselves responsibly. However, I don’t think I should be able to own one. I firmly believe that if you’re qualified, God bless you, get a gun. I am not mentally able to own a gun. And I know this, because at least five times a day I think, “I wish I had a gun right now.” Like, not even to shoot people. Like, it must be so much fun just to brandish it. Like, if somebody cuts you off that’s not a murder-able offense, but how good does it feel to pull up to the light– Beep, beep, beep. –and then when they look, just show them. Just to see that look on their face. “Aah!” That I’ve tangled with the wrong fellow. And then you really freak him out: you put it under your own chin. I came here, ah, I was in L.A. this week, and I came to ah, Boston directly from– and I realize I hate little weather jokes a lot. That just is something I– Do you know when people make little jokes? Just a little innocent joke about the weather, you know? Nothing too…like, it was kind of cold when I got off the plane, and someone said, “I wish you would have brought some of that sunny weather from California with you.” I just thought, How nice would it be to: “What?” And then as they’re repeating the joke, you take the butt of the gun and you crack their fucking nose. “You touch her again and you’re dead!” I humiliated myself on the flight too. I mean humiliated myself. Because men have this really weird thing where we never want to seem, like, homoerotic or gay around each other. Like, we never want to be misinterpreted as being– hitting on each other, which probably robs us of a lot of nice moments. But have you ever been around another guy, and he smells really good? And you want to go, like, “Dude, you smell really good. What are you wearing?” But you’re afraid if you say that it will come off as homoerotic. So if you do ask, you have to ask like an alpha male. “Hey, what is that?” So I’m on the uh, I’m on the plane, and this guy gets on and sits next to me. And he smelled delicious. But I realize there’s no masculine way to go, “Hey, man, what are you wearing? Because I just want to gobble you up right now.” So I’m like, all right, I’ll just ask once we land, you know, because this way if it’s creepy or uncomfortable we don’t have to spend six hours next to each other. But I am not going to lie: I enjoyed him for the entire flight. I sat, like, closer than I needed to, and I kept leaning over sneaking sniffs, asking questions I didn’t even need the answer to. “So, uh, how much longer do you think it’ll be?” [SNIFFING] He’s like, “I don’t know. I’m sure they’ll tell us once we take off.” So we finally landed and I had to just ask him. I’m like, “Dude, not to be weird or creepy, but, you know, since the minute you sat down I wanted to ask about your cologne, because you smell amazing. What are you wearing?” And he goes, “I don’t wear cologne.” Good. Do you understand the subtext of what I said to that guy? “You know, I’ve really been enjoying your man-scent across the entire continental United States. I’ve been breathing you in through three time zones. You know that thing nature gives us so we find the appropriate mate? I just… [APPLAUSE] Hey, not for nothing, man, but your pheromones had me creaming.” And the really creepy part was that I said to him, “From the minute you sat down.” Like, why did I have to explain that? I’m such a douche. I basically told him, “Hey, you had me at hello.” But I could see after I said that he’s rewinding through the whole flight and getting grossed out, because he’s like remembering all those weird little moments, like when I accidentally fell asleep on his neck for an hour and a half, or when he got up to go to the bathroom how I didn’t sit back; I just let his ass cheeks brush across my face. I’ve been single for a while, man. You think this is a good way to meet a girl? If I see a girl sitting in a bar and her arms are up on the bar, I’ll walk over and go, “Hello.” You think the finger walk is sexy? “Somebody looks thirsty.” And then I say cute things, because women like it when you’re cute. Like, “Oh, boy, I sure would like to get to know you.” Oh, don’t listen to him, you know? I scold my fingers the way a ventriloquist scolds his puppet because they say sassy things. “I’d eat your ass even if it was bleeding.” Oh, guys! And I love when guys say, “Oh, you just walk up to a girl and talk to her.” Like, that’s easier said than done. I find that certain professions of women are harder to hit on. It’s like, you know, if you’re talking to a bartender it’s fairly easy, because it’s okay to flirt, but I fly a lot. Flight attendants very difficult to hit on, because the nature of their work is they’re always busy, you only see them at their job and there’s all these people, like, in close proximity. So first of all it’s creepy to call somebody over to hit on them. I was on a JetBlue flight– And I fall in love immediately. You ever see somebody and you just go, like, I want her to be my girlfriend? Like, I love her. This girl just, like, made the announcements and I’m like, I want to spend the rest of my life just kissing her. But I didn’t know how to do it, you know? I felt– You know… doing You know, you’re in the window seat. “You want to go out?” That works in romantic comedies. Like, if you’re in a rom-com, all the people in the seats around you are like, “You ought to go out with him. He’s got a lot of pizzazz.” But in real life everybody just kind of avoids eye contact and they’re fucking humiliated for you. Oh, you douche bag. So I said, All right, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll write her a little a note, I’ll hand her a note. Because that’s kind of childish, but I’m like, this way she won’t feel pressure to be overly polite in front of me. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Because if I ask in front of people, then she’s got to, like, make up an excuse. Like, “Oh, no, I would but I’ve got AIDS and hepatitis.” You know? Then how stupid do I look going, “I don’t care, I’ll fuck you.” So I wrote her a little note, like, “Hey, let’s go out to dinner when we land.” And I handed it to her. And when I handed it to her, she looked scared. And then I realized, Oh Christ, you just handed a note to a flight attendant. So I panicked and I was like, “Oh, it’s not dangerous or nothing.” Which is like handing a girl a drink and going, “Come on, I didn’t roofie it.” Which is a lie. You want to creep a girl out, hand her a drink and then stare while she downs it. Follow the arch of the glass with your head. And then when she’s finished, walk by and mumble, “Good girl.” Sometimes situationally it’s hard too. Not even a job and not even about the woman. Like, there’s a girl in my gym I am dying to fuck, but I’m scared to hit on her and here’s why: I realize I can’t hide my agenda when I’m talking to her. Because, like, women– We always have to hide our initial agenda. Like, whenever you talk to a girl, she knows what you want. Like, if you walk up and go, “Hey, where are you from?” she doesn’t think, like, “Oh, he must be interested in my accent.” She knows you just want to stick it in her shitter. But we have to go through this little social dance with each other. It’s what separates us from the animals. But when I’m looking at this girl in the gym in her little skin-tight yoga pants and her camel toe, I can’t hide my agenda. Like, I immediately get creepy face. And no girl wants to go out with you when you look like Pyle right before he shot himself in Full Metal Jacket. And this girl’s– I’m an ass fanatic. Like, I like a girl’s ass. But her ass is so fucking juicy. Oh, my God. Dude, it’s plump. It’s like a Jessica from Roger Rabbit ass on a white girl, which is fucking mind-boggling. And, like, we’ve all seen nice asses before, but her ass, like, it changed me. Like, I’ve never talked to her once, but if she had nowhere to live I’d go, “Fuck it, just move in with me. I’ll pay for everything and you can have half if we get divorced.” I don’t know what kind of person she is. I don’t care if she’s a Nazi or if she’s manic-depressive and gets that white shit in the corner of her mouth. So what? What’s the worst that’s going to happen? She’s bipolar? All right, good. She’ll sit on my face and then be a little cranky. I’ll live with it. Whoo, is her ass juicy! Like two little plump, firm teardrops mushed together. And the way the thong– It goes so far in. Like, I love a deep ass crack. And I don’t know how she gets her thong in that far. I can picture her putting it in and then just yanking it… and handing it to somebody on a speedboat, and they take off. She hold on to the dock. It cuts in deep. Her ass is split deep. It’s like Mississippi in 1960. Good God, I love a deep ass crack. And there’s no way to tell a girl that. Like, it’s such a weird fetish to have. like, if you like a girl’s hair you say like, “Hey, I really like your hair.” But, you know, you can’t walk up and go, “Your ass crack… the depth of it. I mean, it looks like the McDonald’s “M”. I just…” Ooh, do I want to put my face in her ass! I just want to sniff it. Just… I would wear her thong under my nose like a Halloween mustache. I would just walk around with it all day and do mustache things. Tie somebody to the railroad tracks. I’ve never talked to this girl, and she hates my fucking guts. She hates me, because I was following her up– I was walking up the steps, behind her, and I was following her. I didn’t care where she– If she was going up to the roof and jumped I would have followed her right off and tried to nose-dive right into her fucking juicy ass. But I was staring. She was, like, ten steps ahead of me. And I’m looking up into her ass crack, and I could see the juicy, deep crack. But when she stepped up I could see up into the camel toe. I didn’t mean to do it. It was totally involuntary. But I just went, “Aah!” And, of course, she turned around, because somebody’s making Young Frankenstein noises on the steps. Have you ever been so busted you could only make this face? “Boy, I sure would like to smell your heinie hole.” Now, now! I’ll tell you, there’s one guy in the gym I hate. I’m pretty open sexually. I don’t care what you like sexually. None of it is weird to me. But there’s a certain type of exhibitionism that I’ve learned to really hate. Some guys go to the gym just because they want to be naked in front of other guys. And there’s one guy, every time I’ve seen this fuck in the locker room, he’s naked. Doesn’t matter if it’s early or– Like, right now the gym is closed; if we flew to New York and kicked in the gym door and turned on the light, this bag of shit would be futzing around. Just futzing around naked. Every time I’ve seen him. And he always acts like he’s doing something. And first of all, he’s fucking 70 years old with a bald head and a big, stupid hard stomach. He looks like Danny DeVito when he played the Penguin in “Batman.” And he always pretends that he’s doing other stuff. That’s what annoys me. It’s almost the insult to my intelligence. It’s like, do you think I don’t know what you’re doing? Like, he’s always acting busy. If I walked into the locker room and he just went, “Huh?” I’d probably go, “Ah, you got me. Good one.” It’s like, don’t try to trick me, stupid. Like, you walk in and he’ll be cleaning his ears like naked in the mirror. And then you’ll come back 25 minutes later, he’s still cleaning his ear. Or you’ll go into the bathroom and he’s nude, barefoot, just brushing his teeth, looking in the mirror with his stupid dick mushed up against the sink. His fatty pubis mushed up against the sink. And that’s disgusting, because that’s where I put my lunch. And I’m not exaggerating for the bit. I swear to God, he has the smallest cock I have ever seen on a human being. Not even an adult. From baby up. It’s like a little fucking mushroom. It’s like I want to ask him about it. His cock is so small. I want to go, like, “Look, I know this is rude, but that is unacceptable.” I’ll bet if you get him drunk there’s a great story behind it. Like, “Well, I used to install windows for a living…” And it’s surrounded by an unkempt tuft of gray pubic hair, which I want to yank out with my bare fucking hands. And I know he’d be so shocked and upset. Like, “Why are you doing this?” And I’d have to be honest: “I don’t know, I don’t know, but it needed doing.” And I hate his balls so much. I’ve never had a visceral reaction to someone’s balls. His balls are this big. The whole thing, it looks like a hornet’s nest with a doorbell in the middle… and a filthy gray sunflower around it. I want to set his cock and balls on fire and then put them out with a shovel. By the way, do you know how many times I’ve had to see him naked to give you that description? I don’t stop him when he walks by– “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” That’s 20 or 30 accidental “Aah!” “Aah!” And I know he’s doing it on purpose. And I know you might think, Well, he’s a really old guy; that generation looked at nudity differently, so he’s not self-conscious. No. Here’s how I know it’s on purpose. A week or two ago I’m going from the shower to my locker, and from behind me I heard… [CLAPPING] So I turned around. That sound was this creep powdering his balls. And that’s exactly how he was doing it. Not even in front of the mirror. Just in the middle of the locker room like a retarded bongo player. Do you know how loud you have to powder your balls for me to hear it in an open space? I actually stepped aside; I thought a horse was galloping behind me. We’ve all powdered our balls before, but it’s quiet. There you go. That’s what it sounds like. The rule of thumb is that blind people should never know when you’re powdering your balls. I could powder my balls over your face, you’d never know I was there. The next morning you’d probably wake up and wonder why there’s two muddy footprints on your pillow. I don’t know why my feet had to be filthy at the end of that joke. Obviously I just showered and powdered my balls, but I guess I walked through roofing tar on the way to your house. So uh, you know, I have been working out. And I came yesterday– Honestly, the first thing I did when I got to town was I got a massage. [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] Well, to answer your question, yes. There was a happy ending. I had to do it. But that counts as far as I’m concerned. She was not happy at all. She came back in: “What are you doing?” Uh, your job. The most common question I get– I get e-mails about this all the time. People say, “How do you make a regular massage turn into a happy ending?” And there’s no definitive answer, because to be honest with you, 90 percent of the massages I get remain massages, because I go to legitimate masseuses. But the 10 percent that become happy endings really spoils the other 90 percent. Because picture if every 1 out of 10 times you went to the grocery store somebody jerked you off in the frozen food aisle. It would make your other 9 trips seem a little lackluster. You’d be walking around with, you know, two heads of lettuce and a carrot. Ahem! Ahem! So the way to test the waters with a massage therapist is through body language. Because you have to be respectful, beuse massage therapists are not prostitutes. Now, I know this, because enough of them have screamed that in my face. And neither one of you knows the other one. You don’t know if the other one’s a cop and this whole thing is a sting operation, so you can’t say anything too obvious. “Would you touch my testicles for money?” So you ease into it. Like, say you’re laying there and she’s rubbing the hamstrings. I’ll start pushing my hips back a little bit and then making this noise. [GROANING] Oh, sorry for you people. [GROANING] Which is massage lingo for, “You’re getting warmer, warmer.” Now, she knows exactly what I’m doing, so she will answer nonverbally in one of two ways. She’ll either say no way by going from my hamstrings down to my ankles and rubbing, like, the ankles and the calves. So in my mind I go, All right, mission abort. It’s not going to happen. Because you have to be a psychopath to misinterpret ankles as the next step in a hand job. Ooh, she must want me to scooch down three feet. Sitting on the end of the table, my legs dangling off, just tweetling my nipples like a baboon. Or, after I go– [GROANING] –she’ll move a little higher on the hamstring towards what I call earning a tip. And then she’ll give me a very, very subtle signal. Because again, she’s not 100 percent sure. So she’ll do something like lightly brush my scrotum. Just a light little brush as she’s going from one leg to the other. Just a little heedle leedle leedle lee It’s such a light touch that she could go, “Oh, I didn’t mean to do that.” And I could go, “I didn’t even notice you did it, officer.” We both have plausible deniability. Now, the only thing to be careful is there are certain massage therapists who give little sexy signals. Like, they’ll flick your nips or do something sexy, but they have no intention on giving you a hand release. These women should be killed. By the way, do you know how much fun it is to come on stage and talk about this, and nobody gives a shit? I’m so lucky to, like, just be a fucking comic, and nobody– Like, it’s never going to hurt me to talk about my personal life. Like, you know, if I ever get busted with a prostitute, no Jim Norton fan’s going to go, “Oh, I won’t be buying his DVDs anymore.” You know, people would probably go, “Come on, let’s go to the show. I want to hear exactly what happened.” I feel bad for real celebrities and, like, actors and stuff who can’t have that kind of openness. Like, I feel like they have to live inside this bubble. And it just looks like a tortured way to live. Like, poor John Travolta. I feel very, very bad for him. Now, I’m going to phrase this really carefully: I am absolutely not saying he’s gay, I’m only saying it don’t look good. He does a few things that I think are on the gay checklist, like he was sued by male massage therapists for sexual harassment. That’s a check. He’s great in musicals? That’s eight or nine checks. And I had very mixed feeling when I was reading about the Travolta case. I think a couple of guys sued him for, like, $2 million each. And I believe since the cases have been dismissed. But I believed what the massage therapist was saying. I believed his account simply because every creepy thing he accused Travolta of, I’ve done 50 times during a massage. I wasn’t shocked by any of it. I felt like I was perusing a manual that I had written. Like, the one guy said he was, like, massaging, I think, right by Travolta’s buttocks. And he said Travolta was pushing his hips back, which shocked a lot of people, but as we just discussed, is move 11. It’s perfectly acceptable. He said Travolta was pushing his ass back so far that the cheeks were separating, which, oh, I was in awe of John Travolta. Nothing but respect. Do you know the ab/core control you need to tighten up your stomach and swing your asshole open like saloon doors? Do you know how good you have to be at Pilates just to make your ass wink on command? I’ve bn trying that for two years. All I’ve managed is to fire a log of shit onto my calf. And there’s nothing wrong with that. When your ass opens up like that, it’s just your body’s way of saying to a finger, “Get over here. Come on, get in here. Don’t be shy.” I love a finger in my asshole. And I’m not just saying that because it’s the title of my autobiography. Just a little finger. Tickle it around. Friendly, neighborly. Like, you ever been home– Here’s what it’s like. You ever been home and you don’t realize your front door’s open? And your next-door neighbor walks in. And at first you’re like, “Aah…oh, it’s just you. It’s you, it’s you. What, you got four friends with you? All right, bring two over. Bring two. Aah! No, one. Bring one. If you bring two, all three of you are going to leave with Abe Lincoln hats on.” So while I believed the therapist’s tale because of the details, I hated these guys for suing Travolta, because I think a couple of them sued him for, like, $2 million each, claiming that they were wounded mentally during the massage. Get the fuck out of here, you litigious scumbags. Two million dollars because, what, Travolta played grab-ass with you? Go fuck yourself. One guy said something like he was massaging Travolta, and that John reached out and grabbed his scrotum. And then he said a few minutes later John reached out again and grabbed the shaft and head of his penis, like, quickly. So all I’m thinking is, All right, what kind of pants are you wearing while giving a massage that Travolta can grab three separate items in the dark? Because I want those pants in every color. And the guy said that Travolta grabbed his scrotum, and then he said a few minutes later he– Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you kept massaging him? Fuck you. How many legitimate interactions do any of you have on a daily basis where if you grab somebody’s scrotum, you only get a warning? I don’t know, try that the next time you go to the dentist. If he gets a little too close just reach out. [GROANING] Oh, yeah, I’m sure he’s just going to go, “Up, up, up. Come on, now. That’s the third time I’ve told you to quit poking and tugging my bag, you silly goose. Four more times and you’re out of here.” Two million dollars. We wonder why we’re such a country of like, you know, human resources, litigious douche bags. It’s because we can’t stop suing each other. Do you understand what John Travolta would have to do to me during a massage for me to want $2 million in punitive damages? As I started massaging him, he would have to pull out my dick and start punching it. And he’d have to put on brass knuckles and put it up against the edge of the table and punch it for the entire hour, and then take me up in his private plane and pull his dick out, and then say, “Now suck it, or I’m going to crash and kill us both.” And then once we landed safely… [APPLAUSE] Once we landed safely, if I said– [SPITTING] –“Hey, John.” I had to clarify that, because I didn’t want you to think it’s: “Hey, John.” If I said,Hey, John, you know, you punched my dick for an hour and then fucked my face and came in my mouth; could we take a picture together?” If he said, “No picture,” then I still wouldn’t sue him. I’d ask him to sign my “Pulp Fiction” and I’d shut the fuck up. But I feel really good. I feel– I finally feel awake tonight, because I’ve been talking for a long time in the shows: I have terrible, terrible sleep apnea. And I know some of you guys have it, because I’ve got a big fan response. Who has sleep apnea here? Some people have it? [SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE] I’m going to show you a picture of myself in my apnea mask, because– And I used to have it on my phone, and I would show people. But is there a more horrifying moment than when you hand your phone to somebody to look at a photo? Because all you’re thinking is, “Don’t scroll.” You stay within arm’s reach of your phone. If they move back a step, you scooch up a step. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” Because I know what’s on either side of that apnea photo, you know? It’s apnea photo, cock pic, cock pic. So could we bring that down? This is me in my sleep apnea mask. That is not the look a woman goes for. I think women would be more turned on if I went to bed with a fleshlight taped to my face. Just look at that. If you have a pussy, I challenge you to keep it wet while looking at this. Impossible. That dries up a vagina faster than a hot fan. And it’s not just the mask that’s so humil– Because the mask is bad enough, but do you see the little white chin strap? Now here’s what that is, because the way the mask works, it’s over your nose and it forces air into your lungs, expanding your lungs as you breathe so you sleep through the night and you don’t wake up gasping. But because I have such a fucking weak chin and little shitty thin bird lips, my mouth kept going: [SMACKING LIPS AND GROANING] And all the air was shooting out of the front of my face. So I would wake up with my face queefing. I like to put it on after sex. Like, we have sex and then I put it on. I’m like, Ha-ha, look at who you fucked. Ah-ha, you fucd Bane. How do you feel about that?” So I had to buy that fucking little chin strap. “Ha, You want to fuck me? I look like I have the mumps in 1930.” All right, you can pull that up, because that is just fucking horrendous. [APPLAUSE] So, ah, the mask– Here’s the problem. And a lot more of you probably have sleep apnea than realize it. Like, if you snore that’s a big sign of sleep apnea. And it’s amazing how angry we get at people when they snore, because when somebody is snoring that person is dying next to you. But you ever just stare at somebody while they snore, and you get angrier and angrier? Why don’t you shut the fuck up? Shut up, you selfish piece of shit. You ever just look at their stupid lips quivering? And you want to just pinch their nose? [SNORTING] Do you understand when you pinch somebody’s nose, you’re daring them to die. You’re playing a game of chicken with the Grim Reaper. Like, all right, cocksucker, I’m calling your bluff. Now what? And then when they finally breathe– [GASPING] –that’s what I thought, scumbag. That’s like somebody being on a ledge going, “I’ll jump!” And you go, “Well, it’s cold in here. Fuck you.” And you close the window. But when you have sleep apnea, man, it scares you, because you feel like your body is against you. Do you know how scary it is to go to bed and I feel like my tongue and face are trying to murder me in my sleep. I mean, it’s so anti-nature. Your body is supposed to protect you. And I don’t understand why my tongue does what it does. Like, at least if you snore your body’s trying to get help. Because if you’re like– [SNORING] –that’s your body’s way of going, “Hey, hey, hey, can somebody elbow this jizz bucket? We’re dying!” But my tongue just lays over my throat. It’s like, “Shh, it’ll be over soon.” I would love to ask my tongue, “What do you think happens if I die, asshole? You live on and run the show?” Like, my tongue just wants to kill me because he’s thinking, “Then I’ll only have to go down on women I like. No more transsexuals.” Guys get so homophobic. They, like, beat up transsexuals. This is the face you should make if a tranny fools you. You’re good. Nicely done. Why get angry? You don’t get mad if somebody hands you peanut brittle and you open it and a snake pops out. Do you know how sad I am that only half of you understood the brilliant example I just gave you? And I hope I don’t get in trouble for saying tranny. That’s, like, an offensive term. You’re not supposed to say tranny. So I don’t want anybody to go home and blog about it. That’s what people do now. They say something offensive, like, blog, blog, blog. “I didn’t like what I heard in the comedy show.” Blog, blog, blog. Oh, I fucking hate people who blog about being upse– When I hear about people blogging because they were upset at a joke, I am suddenly for predator drones killing American citizens. People just love to be offended and they love to talk about it. They love to fucking blog about it. And comedians are supposed to say they’re sorry now. Like, that’s all it takes: somebody blogging. Like Tracy Morgan said he was sorry, Daniel Tosh. And I’m not shitting on these comedians. I understand why Tracy and why Tosh apologized. Because they had a lot of money at stake. They were smart to apologize. But it’s like, what are we, shocked that comedians make fun of offensive things? Tracy’s fucking always said crazy shit. That’s kind of what makes him really funny. And Tosh was making jokes about rape, and some woman stood up and, you know, “Rape is not funny!” And he said something like, “Everybody rape her, ” which is fucking hilarious. That’s the greatest thing I have ever heard. But, of course, victim country, she had to go home and blog,blog. “And I felt very threatened.” Blog, blog, blog. Oh, yeah, I’m sure you were terrified, because comedy club rapes happen all the time. I’m surprised you people came tonight, with the threat of rape in the air. Oh, yeah, we’ve all seen the news specials. Comedy and rape: can they be separated? And all these special interest groups who agreed with her ideologically. They sided with her interrupting the show. And they’re like, “You had every right to make your feelings known.” No, you did not. If you weren’t enjoying his show, you had every right to get up and quietly leave the performance. Because the minute you talk, you’re a heckler, bitch, and you got what you deserved. Fuck her. Fuck her and fuck her blog. Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think that they have to agree with or approve the content? Why is that? You don’t walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don’t like. “I don’t want anybody else seeing this, because I didn’t quite enjoy it.” [APPLAUSE] Oh, and you know the one group that owes us all an apology and they’re never going to give it to us is the mainstream media in this country. There has never been a greater assembly of vultures under the same umbrella of a profession. And they do things like continually show photos of the shooters. They continually print the manifestos of the shooters. Even though FBI profilers and personality profilers and psychologists have told them time after time after time: Do not show photos of these people. Do not print their writings, because it encourages other people to do the same. They know they are contributing to the violence, and they don’t give a fuck. And they’ve never had to say they’re sorry. Comedy never leads to violence. You’re never going to hear, “Two Jews walk into a bar; let’s kill those fucking kikes!” It’s never happened. And by showing photos of these guys– I don’t need to see the photos of these people. I’m not interested in what they look like. First of all, they all look exactly like you know they’re going to look. Are you ever surprised? They showed the guy from Connecticut. The guy from Connecticut looked exactly like the guy from Aurora, Colorado, who looked exactly like that piece of shit from Arizona. They all have that psychotic fucking lonely wide-eyed look, with their little shitty pupil dying in the middle with white surrounding– Here’s a rule of thumb: If you have white all the way around your pupil, you are a nut. You’re a nut. And they never smile in their photos. They’re always– They’re always trying to smile, but they can’t because they’re just thinking of murder, murder, murder. Me, me, me. Murder, murder, me, me, me. By the way, who are the photographers taking these psychotic head shots? We should give guns to photographers. You know who we’re looking for. We have your back. If you take a photo of somebody and their eyes are like that and they’re happy with it, blow their fucking brains out. And I love how the press does this. They honor the nicknames that these guys give themselves. That’s what vultures the media is. Like the Aurora, Colorado shooter. He called himself the Joker, and the press went with it. He didn’t look like the Joker. He had puffy, orange hair. The Carrot Top Killer, that’s what he should have been called. That doesn’t have an anti-hero ring to it. Nobody would have wanted to emulate the Carrot Top Killer. You know, the next creep would have been like, “Oh, that’s fucking humiliating. I’m just going to hang myself alone in the basement like I should.” I wish it was that easy to get a nickname picked up. You all would have come to see Big Cock Jimmy tonight. Come see Girth McGuillicuddy. Or they– I love how they perpetuate the story by looking for the motives. I love this fucking ridiculous exercise. Why did he do it? What are his motives? Gee, I don’t know, because he’s fucking crazy? Maybe that’s why he did it? I am not interested in the inner workings of a psychotic mind. I don’t give a shit. You’re never going to get a real answer as to why a guy walked into a theater in Colorado and shot people. What are we looking for? Well, he ordered tickets online and they weren’t available when he got there. Oh, all right, at least it was a real reason. Thank God, because that makes it feel less random and frightening. I’m sick and tired of searching for the motives. If he shat in his own hand and started eating it, nobody would go, “What are his motives? Why is he doing that?” We’d all be going, “Look at that crazy fuck. Back over his head with a truck and let’s get it over with.” One more thought on Colorado. I almost forgot. Do you know who really impressed me after the Colorado shootings? Christian Bale. Because I always thought he was a real piece of shit, like a cranky, douchy actor. But after the shootings he actually went to the hospital and talked to a bunch of the victims. I’m like, What a nice guy. And I wonder if any of them looked at him and said, “Where the fuck were you?” He’s a great actor, but I don’t like him as Batman at all. Like, I like him as Bruce Wayne, but that stupid stroke, lisp voice. “I’m Batman.” That’s what you– “Tell the Riddler I have Bell’s palsy. I’ll be doing the New Year’s Eve countdown from now on.” Blog, blog, blog. “I didn’t like that Dick Clark joke.” Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog. Holy fuck, are you guys great. [APPLAUSE] I need to get laid badly. [WOMEN CHEERING] Ooh. Nice. Are you by yourself, miss? I can’t see you, but I’m listening. Are you alone? [WOMAN YELPING] I like that sound. Where are you? [MAN’S VOICE] Right here! Oh. That’s about the fucking– That’s the norm. I’ve gotten so much weirder as I’ve gotten older, sexually. Like, scent is a very sexy thing to me. I like the smell of a pussy. Like, yeah, I want it to smell like– I mean, again, subtle. Like, you know, you don’t want to notice when she’s coming up the driveway. Or even the smell of a foot. Like, I don’t have a foot fetish, but I kind of like a foot to be a little stinky. Not dirty, like you know what I mean? Don’t come over after you’ve been doing, taking a zumba class in a fucking warehouse barefoot. But if your foot’s a little stinky, I’ll suck your toes. But I don’t know what to do with a foot in my mouth. I always feel weird. Like, “Okay…” Because you just feel silly. “Ow, you’re scraping my gums, you whore!” But you feel weird sucking all the toes, because you feel like you’re giving five consecutive blowjobs, in order from black to Asian. And you can’t get mad at that joke, because I didn’t say what side of the foot I started on. But we all know, don’t we? Although my favorite thing to do is eat pussy. I eat pussy really well. And I know I’m good at it, because I stop every 30 seconds and go, “Huh? Huh?” And I like a big pussy. I like a fucking fat one. I like camel toe that will stop conversation at a party. The type of camel toe you can see with Google Earth. Like, I hate when you pull the panties aside and it’s just a little dumb pussy. Hi. Hi. Boo! Boo! I’d love to have a giant cock. Like, where you put it in and the girl’s like, “Aah, go slow.” You know how nice it is to hear, “go slow”? Because then you know the only reason you’re not in the hospital is because I’m a good guy. But if I tell a girl, “I’m going to fuck you hard, ” they’re like, “All right. It’s your money.” [APPLAUSE] Thank you, Boston. I love you very much. Thank you guys for coming. I appreciate you coming down. Thank you so much. Thank you. [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

1686242553-317

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

SINCERELY LOUIS CK (2020)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sincerely-louis-ck-transcript/

Great comedy is finally back. Louis C.K. is now a comedian with nothing to lose, not afraid of liberal media bashing him or Twitter mob “canceling” him for his jokes. His jokes have gone even darker than before and he doesn’t shy away from discussing what he’s done. This a ruthless and glorious return and huge middle finger to all SJWs trying to make talented artists like him disappear. Do yourself a big favor an buy the show, the best $7.99 you’ll ever spend this year Sincerely Louis CK * * * [Scattered chanting] C.K.! C.K.! [Whooping] Louis! Louis! [More join] Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! [Chanting stops] [Indistinct shouts] [Shrill whistle] [Indistinct chatter] [Scattered cheering and applause] [Cheering and applause] Thank you. [Cheering and applause] Thank you. Sit down, please. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh… All right. Nice to see you all. Thanks for coming. I’ve been thinking about you all day. How are you? How — how was your last couple of years? [Laughter] How… How was 2018 and ’19 for you guys? [Laughter] Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble, anybody else… [Laughs, groans] Fuck! [Cheering and applause] That was crazy… Man, I was in a lot of trou– Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface. That’s gonna to be… That’s going to make it a lot worse. Because there is a lot of those, there’s thousands of pictures of me in blackface. I can’t stop doing it, I just… I like it, I like how it feels. [Laughter] Fuck, man, that was… You know what? I learned a lot. I learned a lot — I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant with people giving me the finger from across the room. [Laughter] When you get in trouble, you learn who your real friends are. It’s true — people like saying that like that’s a good thing. Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are? You don’t want to know that. Believe me, you don’t want to know. It’s never who you want it to be. It’s not your cool friends and it’s not your fun friends. It’s your real friends. “I’m here for you.” I fucking know that. I have this friend, she’s the best person I know, but I sometimes want to punch her in the face because she’s so nice — because I’m not a good person. Like, I’ll tell her something I’m having problems with, and she’ll say, “I’m going to pray on that for you.” [Groans] I have a feeling when she prays, God’s like, “Ugh! Fuck! This one makes me want to get out of the business.” You guys think there’s a God? How many — How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God. How many people? [Cheering and applause] All right. About 30 out of 1,400. That’s nice. That’s nice. That shit’s over. It’s just fucking over. You go into a church, it’s like going to a roller skating rink on a Wednesday, it’s like… “This used to be something! What happened?” I don’t know. I don’t think there’s a God. And that’s not a conviction. I just don’t suppose. I just — I just reckon there ain’t. I reckon there ain’t no lord. [Laughter] And because I don’t believe there’s a God, I fucking hope there’s not a God. I fuckin’ hope — Oh, please! If you don’t believe in God, you better fucking hope — you better get on your knees and pray. Please, God, don’t be. ‘Cause that’s a bad thing to be wrong about. That’s a bad wrong. You’re an atheist your whole life and you die and you’re like, “Aw, fuck! Aw, you’re shitting — with a beard and everything. Fuck! Aww… Hey, I — I dunno… Yeah, yeah, I’m going. Yep.” Being wrong the other way is not a big problem. If you believe in God and you’re wrong, you don’t really have a problem. It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life. And then at the end, you’re just seriously disappointed for like a second — it’s the last feeling you get to have. You die, you’re like, “Nothing? Seriously? Nothing?” “Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry.” [Laughter] “Sorry, you’re just garbage now.” If you don’t believe in God, that’s what you believe — that when you die, you’re just garbage. You are your family’s newest garbage. My mom died last year and we asked her, like, “What do you want,” like, before she died, we didn’t — We didn’t ask her at — “Ma! Ma! Fuck!” I asked my mom what we wanted — what she wanted to do with her body. And she said, “Just burn it.” That’s what she said: Burn it. What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck? She didn’t want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing. So she booked it herself. That was her last act as an American consumer. She went online with a credit card and she booked her own cremation. It’s true — at a place called Boston Crematorium. Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day. They just folded my mom into the workload. We didn’t even know, just this guy showed up. “I’m here for your ma.” “All right, Sully, she’s in there.” And he went in there to prepare her. My sisters are waiting in the hall and he was in there for a while. [Laughter] I didn’t say anything. I’m just… Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time. That’s all I’m saying. And also that I was worried he was fucking my dead mother. [Laughter] Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag and… and he put her in a van. Just a — his van. It’s like a ’98 Ford Windstar with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back. It’s the last time I saw my mom. [Laughter] That’s what she wanted. [Laughter] She didn’t believe in this God shit. Just didn’t. I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus… uh, Christ, and, um… I don’t remember why, but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish and my friend said, “He was?” And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish. And he said, “I don’t think so.” And I said, that’s okay, it already all happened. Doesn’t matter where you think. But he’d argued with me. He was like, “Dude, Jesus couldn’t be Jewish. Think about it.” I’m like, “You fucking think about it, you idiot. What d– What was he then? You’re… What, was he Presbyterian? What was he? Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic and he had a gold chain with a cross. And when they nailed him up, he was like, “Oh, that’s why we have those!” [Laughter] “That finally makes sense. I didn’t even know. Oh, fuck, that’s me! I’m the little guy on it!” [Laughter] Every religion has a strange story or a rule that doesn’t make sense to me. You know, like every time there’s a terrorist act, they always tell you on the news about how they believe they’re all going to heaven. And every guy who does a jihad thing and he gets 72 virgins, that’s right. That’s the story, always 72 virgins. Which, first of all, who are those women? Who are the 72 virgins? Does God have to kill 72 nice girls? “All right, ladies, uh, the good news is you’re going to heaven. The weird news…” [Laughter] Or does God just make ’em fresh like farm raised salmon? He just whips up 72 women. “All right. Nobody fuck these. I’m saving them for that guy.” It’s a weird concept. You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity. First of all, they’re only virgins when you first get them. Once you start fucking them, it’s over. After a week, he’s like, “I only have three left.” “And 69 whores.” That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God’s life when he’s handing off 72 virgins to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv, and he’s like, “All right. Uh… The fuck am I doing? I don’t even know anymore. I need a drink.” I’m curious about God. I’m curious about his life. I’m curious about God’s existence. What’s that like to be God? You know, we don’t know anything about him. I think one reason people don’t believe in him, because we don’t have a sense of God because he doesn’t say anything anymore. Used to talk all the time, used to go up to people on the street, “Hey!” [Gibberish] Writing on the rocks — “Look at that! Do it!” And it was conf– Everybody’s like, trying to figure it out. And then for 2,000 years, he just — “Mm, meh.” Nothing! Says nothing! And everybody’s fighting. He could clear a lot of shit up with a five-minute press conference. If God spoke for five minutes, he’d solve a lot of problems. He’d just show up, “All right, everybody, yeah, I’m the Lord. Okay, real quick. First of all, Mormons, just: no. [Laughter and applause] What is that? Just go home. Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck? I don’t know… Put a hat on or don’t, nobody gives a shit. This is weird. I hate these. I hate them. I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day. I do. It’s just my thing. Just so you know. Do what you want, but that’s where you’re going. Now, you know. Also, I don’t care who you fuck. I don’t care. It never mattered. It was Adam and Eve and Steve. They were all fucking each other. I was jerking off to it. It was a great time. So it’s not an issue for me. I don’t know why it is for you. Have fun and use all the holes, that’s what I say. Also, you’re supposed to fuck the animals. That’s why I made them! Why are you not fucking the animals?! There’s only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals. What are the rest of you — You’re eating them?! That’s disgusting! What is wrong with you? How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig.” [Laughter] Sayeth the Lord. Well, it’s nice to be in Washington, D.C., where — I was born here. [Cheering and applause] I like it here, ’cause I like any city, I like cities. I don’t like cities that are too advanced. You know, I was in Zurich. And they have so much sh– you know, they’re like, “Here’s the bike, you want a bicycle? It’s yours. Just have it, it’s nice.” And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin’ holes of different shapes — it’s like an IQ test for a monkey. I don’t know what the fuck. There’s one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one is a picture of a cup that’s a little different. I’m standing there with a dead baby, I don’t know where I’m supposed to… What am I suppose to do with that? It doesn’t go in the newspapers slot, but otherwise, I don’t know. [Laughter] I like cities, I don’t like little places. When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities. Everybody tells you, “Don’t go to Madrid. Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day. And then you got to take a train and you have to go to [Gibberish] It’s a beautiful little old village and you’re gonna love it.” Fuck you, you don’t know me. I’m not going to love a village in Europe with a bell that goes “pang,” like, whenever, and a dog walking alone. I don’t like cute little places. I don’t like little towns in America either, with little shops. “Oh, look at that little shop! Let’s go in that little shop.” Nah, let’s get a divorce. Isn’t that a better idea? You go in there, I’ll just walk away. Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down. I don’t like little shops. I’m uncomfortable in a little shop. You go in, it’s like, “cli-li-ling-ling, cli-li-ling.” Now it’s just you and her. You’re surrounded by her dream. And you can’t just, “Ugh!” and leave! Well, you… She saw you, you have to go all the way in now and look at all the little crafts that she made. [Laughter] [Exasperated sigh] You made this? Really? You made this instead of killing yourself? [Laughter] I fucking wish I was that mean. I really do. All my fantasies are about being mean, just having the balls to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like, “Oh, I don’t like this at all. I don’t like it in here. Unh-uh. What’s your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie. I don’t like your store. I was in Florida recently, I don’t like Florida at all, it’s a shit state full of shit people, that’s what I think. Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing. The whole — the entire — it looks like — it doesn’t look like a dick. People say that; it looks like a shit coming out. If you look at it, it’s like America’s ass, and it’s a shit that’s just — that you’re trying to… And there’s a little — Cuba’s like a little — Pbbt! That came first. That’s what I think of Florida. Every time there’s a hurricane, I’m like, “Yeah, get ’em! Get ’em all, Melissa!” No, I don’t mean any of that. I was just funnin’. Just fun to pretend. I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida. And it was empty — you ever go in a restaurant and it’s open, but it’s — you’re literally the only person in there. You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know, and you walk in, you’re like, “Are you open?” They’re like, “Yeah.” And you go, “Oh, good.” And you — and they’re like, “Aww, pfft! We gotta fire up the whole fuckin’ restaurant for this one guy now?” So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad for wasting their time, and, um… And I — I didn’t eat most of it because I don’t like sushi. And, um — so the waitress comes over. She’s Japanese and she says, “You no finish?” Which is what she said. I’m not… It’s just what she said, I can’t… I’m not gonna change what she fucking said. I’m not gonna lie to ya and say that she said, “You’re not going to finish that,” because it doesn’t happen to be what she said. And I have to do the accent because it’s weird if I tell you she said, “You no finish?” So I’m stuck. I’m just telling you what happened. She said, “You no finish?” “Whoo, you no finish!” [Gibberish] That’s exactly what she said. It’s a perfect replica. No, it was subtle. She said, “You no finish?” And I said, “No, I no finish.” Because I think that’s — I think it’s polite to repeat people’s bad English to them. Otherwise, you’re being a dick, it’s like, “You no finish?” No, I am not going to finish. [Laughter] You left out a lot of words. I took the liberty of restoring them. I was in upstate New York in a small town, and I was standing in front of a drugstore. And in the window of the drugstore, they had a wheelchair on display in the window. Is that really an impulse purchase? “Hmm… I should get a wheelchair. That would really help with my paralysis. Then I wouldn’t have to drag myself everywhere I go like I’ve been doing for 10 years since my legs were blown off at the marathon.” [Scattered laughter and groans] Okay. Okay. Bunch of fuckin’ hypocrites, apparently, because let me point somethin’ out to you. Let me point somethin’ out to you motherfuckers. You are just, like, seconds ago, laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground. You’re just — [Imitates laughter] And then at the end, you’re like, “Oh, but not those particular legless people. No! We thought you meant just some asshole with a childhood disease who deserves to be laughed at. Not one of those.” No, we’re laughing at all legless people equally. However you lost your legs: Ha-ha-ha, you haven’t legs. And we’ve legs. I have legs — I have two legs. Two fucking legs — that’s the maximum amount. Fuckin’ love having two legs. I fucking love it. I wouldn’t like having no legs. I really don’t think I would like it. I think it would suck. I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ. It’s an old Southern expression, it’s not…. Used like it used to be. I think two legs is better than none. That’s what I think. That’s just my opinion. It’s not popular. You’re not supposed to say that because you’re supposed to always be very positive about disabled people. But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive. What if they don’t want to be? Because the only story we want to hear is about the amazing disabled people — “He’s amazing.” “He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest.” What about disabled people who aren’t amazing, who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt and some potato chips, and he’s going, “Fuck, I wish I had legs.” “No! No, this is better! It’s better with no legs.” “Why is it better?” Because you can do anything now. I can do four things. Fuck off. I just don’t know that our positive non-disabled attitude really helps. Like retarded people — let’s — we’re gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes. Just — that’s what’s gonna happen. We’re going to discuss retarded people for 20 minutes. It’s not okay to not — never speak of them. No, we’re gonna talk about them. First of all, I want — mostly I wanna talk about the word “retarded.” Okay? Because the word retarded, it’s a bad word and people do not like the word retarded, they find it very offensive. Now, I’m a little confused by this because it wasn’t always a bad word. And I grew up in the ’70s and it wasn’t bad back then. And you most bad words were always bad, you know. “Cunt” never had a day in the sun. There was never a… a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like, “C’mere, you little cunt. Tell me what you want for Christmas.” And then in the ’90s, we’re like, “Let’s lay off of ‘cunt’ a little bit there, gang.” No, the word — we used the word retarded in the ’70s, we used it to identify people who were retarded. [Laughter] It wasn’t controversial, it wasn’t like — [Whispering] “He’s retarded.” It was like, “He is retarded.” This fellow right here is retarded, right? I told you, yes, you’re still retarded. He is retarded, everyone. And I grew up in Boston. We didn’t say “retarded” in Boston. [Non-rhotic] We said “re-tah-ded.” “He’s re-tah-ded.” “God bless him, he’s fuckin’ re-tah-ded.” [Laughter] That’s the way we used it! With love: help the retarded. That’s what people said in the ’70s. “Help the retarded.” There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house every Christmas with a bell, she was like, “Help the retarded! Help the fucking retarded!” You gonna tell me she was a bad person? She was helpin’ the retarded. And I feel like we had more of them around back then. I haven’t seen one in years. In the ’70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker on every street corner. They — we were using the word and they were more in our lives. I swear to God, they were more. They were in our culture. There was TV movies about retarded people all the time. “Tonight on ABC, ‘A Retarded Boy’s Dream’.” There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy, I don’t know if you remember Shaun Cassidy, some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy, he began his career as a teen pop idol. He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song called “Da Doo Ron Ron.” And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips. He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like… And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy ’cause he was sexy. Was a sexy boy. I thought he was sexy. I — I thought he was really sexy. I was six years old, but I already had inappropriate sex feelings for teenage boys when I was six. I was an old soul. I was — [Laughter] I was a pedophile when I was six. I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six, I was like, “Hey, how’s it going?” That kid’s weird, he’s got a boner. Anyway.. Not anymore, I outgrew it, but, uh… No. I’m not — I’m not sexually attracted to teenage boys. I’m not. I’m not. But I don’t not get it. I mean, I — I get it. I’m not like, “What?!” Like… You can see it. Like, I was in an airport once and I’m walking along where people walk in the airport, and there was these chairs facing the aisle, and there is this family sitting there, a mom and a dad and two teenage boys. And they’re, like, just both sitting with their phones with their legs — they were wearing, like, these shorts — one had cutoff shorts and one had basketball shorts. And they both just had their legs open ’cause they don’t give a fuck, both legs just splayed. And then just this — just smooth. You know, just very… And I saw it. Didn’t give me a — didn’t do anything to me, but I kind of wanted to stop and go, “Hey, fellows, let’s — let’s close that shit up, huh? You’re not getting me, but I know you’re causing a problem for somebody in this airport. Let’s close it up.” I did not say that… Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. Anyway, let’s return to the comfortable subject of retarded people, shall we? [Laughter] So Shaun Cassidy: Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer who then grew up — he was about 18 — he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him. So he started to act, and he had a movie on TV called “Normal People,” where he played a retarded man who wants to live a normal life — it was very inspiring, actually. And at one point he goes to — he didn’t do, like, a big retarded character. He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd. That was the whole thing. So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home he lives in and he says, “I want to get a job.” And the guys who runs it is like, you know, Republican, conservative. So he’s like, “You can get a job, you’re retarded!” You know. But — but then there’s a liberal lady who works there and she says, “Of course he can get a job. He’s as good as anyone!” So they let him get a job as an air traffic controller or whatever was available. And then… He meets a woman who’s also retarded, who lives at the group home. He falls in love with her. It’s a very nice love story. And he says, “We want to get married.” And the guy says, “Brr!” She says, “But they’re in love!” So they get married. And then one day he says, “We want to have a baby.” And the liberal lady says, “No fucking way.” And they just shut them down right there. And that’s the end of the movie. I swear to God, that’s just how it ends. And the point of the movie is just, you know, hey, there’s a limit — like, that’s, I guess, what the point of it was. And that’s pretty intense. But, hey, retarded people were on television, we were talking about it, we were dealing with it — and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie. Now, we don’t say the word and I don’t see ’em anywhere. I guess that’s my problem with it. And also, the word is not basically a bad word. It’s a medical term, but it became a bad word because it’s used as an insult, really — not towards retarded people. Nobody does that. Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them. What would be the point of that? That would be like going up to a chair and saying, “You’re fuckin chair!” Like, what are you doing? No. People use it on their friends, like, you’re at a bar, your friend’s like, “I don’t have any more money for beer,” and you’re like, “You’re fucking retarded, you know that?” And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted. They’re not. Do you know why? Because they’re not there! ‘Cause we don’t include them in our lives. They’re not at the bar — How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy that you hang out with? No, you take ’em to the zoo when they’re little him and then fuck ’em. This is what I find confusing about this thing, is that we told many generations of people that they are retarded. We told them that that’s what they are and they lived with it, and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it’s a bad word. So did we tell them this? Did we go back to them and explain this to them? “Listen, Nelson, I have somethin’ to tell you, you’re not retarded anymore.” “You mean I’m cured?” [Laughing] “No! No, no. Nah, we’re not even working on it.” [Sighs] Anyway, I’ve been traveling. [Laughter] I went to France last year because I thought I should leave the nation — felt like a good idea. Would have left the planet if they had another one of those. But… When I went to France, I had a great time. I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France. And we’ve been together since then. It’s been nice. [Cheering and applause] Yeah, okay, it’s nice having a girlfriend from another country because you learn a lot about that country. I learn a lot about France from being with her. I never knew these things about — like, one time she was sick, and I was taking care of her, so I gave her — she had a fever. I gave her a thermometer and she put it in her asshole. [Laughter] Never seen that before; turns out the whole country, all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes. And they don’t put their eggs in the fridge. They have no respect for temperature in either direction. I’d never — I was like, why are you putting it in your asshole? She said, “You don’t do this? You don’t put here in America?” I said, “No, we don’t put a glass thermometer filled with mercury in our anuses… You fucking savage.” Well, we do it to babies and dogs ’cause they can’t talk. Every American baby’s first words is, “Get that fucking thing out of my asshole.” You ever take your dog’s temperature? You have to hold your dog’s ass still, and then you slip it in there and your dog looks to you like, “Why would you do that?! Why would you do that to me?!” And you’re like, “I could never explain it to you, but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds.” Dogs are so dumb, it’s fucking tragic. It’s sad how dumb they are. They’re in our lives and they know nothing about what’s happening. You ever been having, like, a dramatic moment in your family, like, you’re in the living room telling the kids that grandma died, and everybody’s crying, and the dog’s sitting there like… [Chuckling] “I know you! Ha!” They’re so stupid! Incredibly stupid animals. They don’t even know their own lives, they don’t even — they can’t even handle their own lives mentally. You ever throw a ball for your dog and your dog gets the ball and brings it, and then you throw the ball again, and the dog brings it. And then one of the times you throw the ball, the dog looks at you like, “I didn’t see what happened. I’m sorry, I… I don’t know anything now. Please help.” So you point at the ball, “There it is, right there. It’s right there.” And the dog just looks at your finger ’cause there’s just no way he’s gonna get this concept that there’s an invisible line… …that he can follow with his imagination. I have a great dog. I’ve got a dog last year. She’s a great dog. I did not adopt her, I’ll be honest with you. I bought her with money. That’s the truth. People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York, “That’s a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?” I’m like, “No, she’s very expensive. Please don’t touch her.” [Laughter] I did rescue a dog last year, and it bit everyone in my life, so I un-rescued it, and I bought a dog that works. In New York, everybody rescues their dogs, like, “I rescued this dog. I rescued her. She has no eyes and she’s dead. I hate New York, I really do — I used to love New York, but I hate it now, I really — I’d rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City. Honestly, I would. I mean — I mean Auschwitz now. I mean, today Auschwitz. Not back when it was open. I mean, now — it’s nice now. There’s a gift shop. People go there on purpose. They buy tickets. I think that’s weird… That people buy tickets to Auschwitz. That’s weird. If you could have told those people back then, “People are going to buy tickets to come here. Wrap your head around that. Jew.” That’s — All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, never again, I promise. That’s what we say about the Holocaust: Never again, ’cause they killed six million Jews. If they only killed, like, 10,000, would it be like, “Okay, two more times, and then taper off because it’s a little much.” I’ll tell you, I went to Auschwitz — this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz because I was doing shows in Poland because I had to go to Poland to do shows. So… [Laughter and applause] So… I was in Krakow. I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp, and I went there because of a very personal reason — because I had family there, I had a lot of family there. Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz during World War II. I mean, they were guards, they worked there. No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died. It’s okay. Don’t be offended. It’s true. We lost the whole family there, everybody — the whole — because we were Hungarian Jews. My grandfather on my father’s side, he’s the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them, went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted. But that’s — that’s what happened, because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to — They didn’t — they weren’t even occupied, Hungary, they’re just like, “Yeah, take — take our Jews.” And they sent my whole family there. And they were all — died in Auschwitz, all except for him. My grandfather’s the only one who made it. Because he got the fuck out of there before it started — in the late ’20s, he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out. And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico. And we found his immigration card. My uncle and I did the family history and we found it. It says, “Nationality: Hungarian,” and it says, “Religion: Catholic.” And there’s a picture of him like. [Laughter] He’s like, “Fuck it, they don’t know what a Jew looks like in Mexico — that’s where I’m going!” And that’s why I’m alive, because he made that choice. It’s also why I’m not Jewish, ’cause he was like, “Jew-schmoo, we’re not fucking Jewish. Somos catolicas.” That was my abuelito. Became a fuckin’ Mexican fast. That’s what happened, that’s how he made it. Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather. His name was Geza. That was his name. And he had a brother named Geza. It’s weird, but I looked it up, and here’s what happened: His parents had a baby and they named it Geza, and it died — the baby died. So they had another one and they just said, “Fuck it, Geza, just do it again,” because that’s what it was like. Babies died, it was no big deal back then. It was just like, “Yeah, that was a shitty baby. Let’s do another one.” “Why’d your baby die?” “Because it sucked — Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick. Fuck it. This one’s good.” That’s what it was like forever until recently. The human race was all the good babies and the shitty ones, pbbt! That’s just the way it worked. It’s not like that now. Now we save every baby. The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort. Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies. There’s always a documentary, “Look at this baby. He’s a fucking mess. Do you see that shit? We’re gonna save it, make it live.” And the baby’s like, “Please don’t!” But we’d rather — we don’t like when babies die, we get more upset when a baby dies. Who knows this baby? “Did you hear about Jeff?” No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him. And then if you die when you’re old, nobody gives a shit. They’re lie, “Eh, he was here long enough, fuck ’em.” You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di– “My grandmother died.” They’re like, “I’m so sorry. How old was she?” “She was 98.” “Oh. So why’d you even tell me?” I’m 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life. It’s my favorite so far. I’ll tell you why. Because I can still move around pretty good. And I don’t have long to live. I view that as a positive. Because life is a lot of pressure. The more life you have ahead of you, the more problems you have. Like, if you’re 20, you might have 70 years to try not to be homeless or alone during. But I can — I got maybe 24 years left. I can handle that, like, that’s an amount of time, like, “Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that. I can cover 24 years.” And it gets easier every year less that I have. Like, I bought a winter coat the other day I was like, “This is my last coat. I don’t need a bunch of these. Gets easier. I used to — I used to think I have to — I need to find a woman who will be with me forever. I need string of girlfriends at this point. Just a few more girl– I need three women in their 40s to get me through my 50s, and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s. And then when I’m 75, 21 years old. That’s when I’m doing that. Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money. Just blow me to my grave and keep the change. [Laughter] That’s the offer on the table for anybody who’s 21 when I’m 75. She hasn’t been born yet, but we’ll see with the… we’ll see what the new crop brings. My French girlfriend, she’s 42, which is perfect. She’s pornographically hot, but she’s willing to fuck this mess. Because you — really you have to be over 40 to have the compassion and the sense of humor to fuck around… She likes to be on top, which I think is, that’s ’cause that’s the best that I ever look is laying on my back because you just — all the skin lays where it belongs. Like it just drapes nicely. I like about 49 and a half when I’m on my back. And if I get on top of her, I just — it comes off. It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork. And this shit, when you hang this, it’s all red and bumpy. It’s like the roof of a cave. It’s a nightmare. And my tits are like flappy triangles with red tips. They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on. But it’s nice, uh… nice having a girlfriend, it’s better than being married because, you know, with a girlfriend you can switch, and, uh… Marriage is — fuck, that’s hard. I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages. That’s — if you’re in a bad marriage, by the way, you know what you should do? Just at stay home. Don’t make people — just self-quarantine. Don’t make people fucking look at you. You know, those couples that come over for dinner and they’re holding a gun to each other’s heads like, “Hi, thanks for having us.” Fuck. There’s always that awful moment at dinner. One of them’s like, “We saw that show on Wednesday.” The other one’s like, “It wasn’t Wednesday.” We’re going to fucking puke because of your life. Oh, that’s bad. I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on and they had been sat separately. There was some mistake. So they’re trying to figure it out. And the woman, she’s supposed to sit here, she comes up to me. She says, “Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?” And he’s behind her. He’s like… And I wanted to help them, but what am I going to say to his wife? Just, “No, I won’t move.” Then I have to sit with her. So I just got off the plane. I didn’t go on the trip. I got off the plane and it took off and it hit the World Trade Center. So that was… Yeah, that was bad. I’ll never forget that day. Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary. That was wildly unnecessary. I dunno, man. I’m sorry. I’m fucking mentally ill, I don’t know… I’ve been thinking about this: I think the thing is, I think — I think I learned too early in my life that when I say something and people get angry, I just like how that feels. I don’t know why, but I learned it too early, I think that’s the problem. I learned that when I was 6. That’s too young for that kind of… You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6. I learned them all in one day from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood. I don’t know if he lived there or what, but there this old dude with a shitty coat and a dark tooth that was always walking around my neighborhood. And if you’re a kid walking alone, he’d walk up and, “Hey,” talk to you — because it was the ’70s. You could just walk up to kids and talk to ’em. Now you can’t even fuck ’em, it’s crazy how things are… [Laughter] Sorry. I know it’s wrong to fuck kids, by the way, just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong. I don’t even need to be told. I just know that it’s wrong. I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular. Even if people were like, “You should fucking kids, it’s great,” I wouldn’t do it. Even if the kids came out to me all the time, “You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn’t mind at all.” I would say, “No thank you, young man.” Even if doctors proved… [Laughs] …that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them, I wouldn’t do it. I would — I would — I wouldn’t fuck a kid to save his life. That’s… Even even if somebody said to me, “If you fuck just this one kid, then no kid will ever get fucked ever again.” I might have to fuck that one kid. That might be the right thing to do. I’m saving all those kids. Oh, I’m saving them all. Not you, not you. You’re the last one. It’s hypothetically. Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street and he and he said, “Hey, do you want to know all the bad words? And I said, “Yes, I think I do.” So he’s like, “All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum.” And I was like, “Oh!” Just felt so good. I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said, “Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart.” And she started crying. It’s a true story. She was like — [Imitates wailing] Started crying. I had a boner. I was so happy. It was the best moment of my life. I had to go to the principal’s office. He said, “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” I said, “No, but I eat her pussy with it.” [Laughter] Yeah. Yeah. [Laughs] Yeah! [Applause] Anyway, relationships are tough. That’s what I’m talking about. I used to date a woman who was a vegan, so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh… ‘Member when meeting a vegan was weird? Remember when there was like a strange thing, like, “Oh, what is — what is that?” Like, you probably met your first vegan in the ’90s. You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan and they said, “Just so you know, I’m vegan,” and you’re like, “I’m sorry, you’re a vegetarian?” And they’re like, “Heh, no.” All right, what is the thing? And they tell all the… Huh? Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah, I have no food for you. You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don’t care. But then you met another vegan and you’re like, “Okay,” and then — and now they’re everywhere, now who cares? There’s several vegans and restaurants and whatever. It’s kind of like gay people sort of a similar trajectory of growth and acceptance in the culture. You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common — like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving. That’s when they have to tell them. And Dad gets angry. “Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey, and you’re telling me you’re a fucking faggot?!” You know, it’s drama. But those are the old days, things are better now. I think it’s pretty amazing when you think about it. People used to say that being gay was wrong. Pretty recently, folks used to — like, most people used to say that being gay was wrong, ‘course it’s not wrong to be gay. I mean, it’s pretty gay but it’s not wrong, but that’s what people used to say. And now nobody says that. And I think that’s a positive change. I think that’s a good thing, although I do wonder if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong. Maybe there’s a few who miss when it was — ’cause wasn’t it a little more fun, when it was like, “This is fucking crazy.” Didn’t that… Didn’t give it a little zhuzh. A little… I could lose my job. Aw, fuck… Because… Now they’re like everybody else, which is great. And they can get married. That’s terrific. But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house? Wasn’t it more fun to be in an old nightclub at 4:00 in the morning, like, “I’m breaking my mother’s heart. Oh, yeah.” I don’t know, I don’t even mean just gay people, just some people like when sex is a little fucked up. You know? “Some people!” Some people like when sex is a little fucked up. [Chuckles] All right. [Laughs] No… All right now, you want to talk about this? Should we talk about it? [Cheering and applause] Yeah, all right, all right. I don’t mind — I don’t mind talking about it. Okay. Um… [Laughs] Here’s what — I’ll give you some advice. Here’s some advice that really only I can give you. Here’s my advice: if you ever ask somebody, “Can I jerk off in front of you?” [Scattered laughter] Let me finish. I mean — [Laughter and applause] I mean… Let me finish what I’m saying! Ah… Ah, fuck. Okay. If you’ve ever ask somebody, “May I jerk off in front of you,” and they say yes, just say, “Are you sure?” That’s the first part. And then if they say yes, just don’t fucking do it. Just — just don’t do it. ‘Cause, look, whatever you’re into, okay? ‘Cause everybody’s got their thing. Whatever your thing is, I don’t know. You all have your thing. I don’t know what your thing is. You’re so fucking lucky that I don’t know what you’re thing is. Do you understand how lucky you are that people don’t know your fucking thing? ‘Cause everybody knows my thing. Everybody knows my fucking thing now. Obama knows my thing. Do you understand how that feels? To know that Obama was like, “Good lord!” Everybody in the world knows my thing. I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like, “Mama, that’s the guy who jerk off in front of the people!” So whatever your thing is, I don’t know what it is, maybe you can’t cum unless you have your father on speaker phone, whatever it is. If you want to do it with somebody else, you need to ask first, but if they say yes, you still don’t get to just go, “Whoo!” And charge ahead — gotta check in often. I guess that’s what I would say. Check in, because it’s not always clear how people feel. Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. But the thing is, women know how to seem okay when they’re not okay. So you can’t just look at her face be like, “Yeah, her eyes are dry. We’re fine. We’ll just keep going” — You gotta check in. ‘Cause sex — communication, during sex can be very confusing, like, sometimes, you’re with a woman, you’re having sex, she’s making noises, she’s going, like, “Ooh, ahh.” And you’re like, “Oh, she loves it.” Not necessarily. Sometimes they’re making those noises just to get through it, because it’s easier to go, “Ooh,” than to say, “I hate how you fuck me. Honestly, it’s awful.” So she goes, “Ooh, baby!” It’s kind of like a Negro spiritual, it’s sort of similar. So to assume that she likes it is like if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they’re like, “Hey, you’re having a great time out there!” [Laughter] As far as my thing — I dunno what the fuck… People are like, “Why do you want to do it anyway?” Okay, oh, no. I like jerking off, I don’t like being alone. That’s all I can tell you. I — I get lonely! “Where is everyone?” It’s just sad. I like company. I like to share. I’m good at it, too. If you’re good at juggling, you wouldn’t do it alone in the dark. You would gather folks and amaze them. [Laughter] Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about that shit. [Cheering and applause] [Chuckles] Well… [Chuckles] Let me ask you a question. You ever wonder how many people ever fucked your mom? We’re almost done. You’re doing great. This is important to me. You ever look at your mom and go, like, “Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?” I lost my mom. So those are the things I don’t know. So I’m curious. I don’t feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom. Not ’cause she’s, like, pure, because, like, I don’t think so. But I hope it was as many as she wanted. That’s what I hope — I hope she got all the dicks she ever dreamed of because I loved her. I hope at the end, my mom was like, “That with plenty of dicks. Whew-hoo!” But I’ll never know — because you don’t know your mom. That’s the truth — you don’t really know your mother. You feel like you know her, but you know what she told you. She didn’t tell you shit. You don’t tell your kids your life. What did your mother tell you? “I won a swimming medal when I was 12.” She didn’t tell you, like, “I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing.” She didn’t tell you that. Think about your mom’s life story as she told it to you. There’s huge holes in that story. “Well, I graduated when I was 22 and then I met your father when I was 35.” “Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom.” You know those movies where you’re — where a mother and a daughter switch bodies. You ever seen a movie like — it’s always like, “Freaky Friday,” some Disney comedy where a mother and a daughter switch bodies and then they’re like, “Whoa!” Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together. And then they switch back and they know each other better. That’s the formula I think they should make it another one of those movies. But it should be about a mother who switches bodies with her son. But it’s not a comedy, it’s a drama — like a medical affliction. They’re upset the whole time. She’s in the bathroom in the morning, “I’m holding my son’s penis. It’s confusing.” And her son is in her body, he’s like, “I don’t want to be my mommy anymore. I don’t like how it feels.” And his dad comes home and he starts fucking ‘im. “Oh, God! What’s happening now? I don’t like this, but I don’t want to say no to my dad.” And then at the end of the movie, they never switch back. [Laughter] You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight. It was a pleasure talking to you. Get home safe. Thank you very, very much. Goodnight. [Cheering and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL BURR ON THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN (2010) – TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-late-show-with-david-letterman-2010/

Bill Burr performing on The Late Show with David Letterman in 2010. Please welcome back the very funny Bill Burr everybody! Alright! Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank You! Alright. OK, Alright. Let’s get into it here. I uh… I’ve been battling with my girlfriend a lot lately. Um. She loves to watch The Oprah Winfrey Show and I love to watch her watch The Oprah Show and then I wait for Oprah to say something that I don’t agree with and then I take it out on my girlfriend because I’m a jerk! So, Oprah brings out her first guest, right? She gives her this huge intro. She’s written a book, she’s been in a movie and she does the most difficult job on the planet. She’s a mother. So immediately I look at my girlfriend, and I’m like, “really”? Being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet? How many moms died on Ice Road Truckers last season? You know? Any moms get washed overboard on Deadliest Catch? I’m not trying to be disrespectful but which job would you rather have? Do you wanna scoop crabs up off the bottom of the ocean… … hanging off some rusty tugboat? and catching that trap to the back your head every couple of weeks? Or do you wanna hang out in the sunshine with a couple of “Rug-Rats” You know. You can send them to bed anytime you want on some trumped-up charges; yeah trumped-up charges! Yeah ’cause you wanna have a drink and watch The Price is Right. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Nah, maybe, maybe it IS the most difficult job. I mean I thought roofing in the middle of July as a redhead! I thought that THAT was a difficult job but evidently these mothers, they’re bending over at the waist, putting DVD’s in the DVD players I don’t know how they do it. How do they do it? The way they push that stroller with the round wheels… yeah, and the baby IN there? It’s the most difficult job on the planet! Going to war. Pinned down by a sniper. What a joke! A joke! Did you ever burp a baby and forget to put that towel up there? There’s another shirt you gotta wash! Right! Oh yeah! Lift with your knees and put it in that machine that does it for you. People, any job you can do in your pajamas is not difficult! Sure, it’s draining, but c’mon man, being a stay at home mom, that’s like my dream job. No boss! No time card! No taxes! You’re off the grid! Hangin out all day making grilled cheese sandwiches. Giving a puppet show; you’re dressed like a dragon. Then some other adult Some other adult comes home and gives you money! So, I got a dog recently. That’s a big thing in my life. I went down to the pound and I got a free dog. That’s how I say it. I don’t say I rescued a dog. Alright? It’s obnoxious and it’s not true. I’m sick of people doing that. She’s a rescue. Yeah, I rescued her. Really? Did you pull her out of a burning building? Did you jump in a river with your wing-tips still on? With no concern for your own safety? Or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog? Stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards… crawl in on your elbows, using hand signals Dude! Didja ever go down to the pound? They’re just giving the dogs away! They don’t even do a background check. They’re just, like, you want ’em? Ahh, get out of here! Who’s next? So, my girlfriend actually, to be honest with you, got the dog while I was traveling. I was in a different state and my girlfriend got us a dog. Right? Classic female move! You know? It’s just a 10 to 15 years commitment! Why would you include me in that decision? So, we’re Skyping, I’m, “well, let me see the dog.” I thought she got a cute little Chihuahua or something. She pans around and i’m looking at like this “hell hound”! Yeah! I’m like freaking out like it is that a pitbull? Please tell me you didn’t get a pitbull! It’s not a pitbull! It’s a…They said it was a mix! Mixed with what? Another pitbull? Look at that thing! It was brutal! You should have seen it! It looked like it’d been doing pull-ups it’s entire life. Front paws were still taped up and shadow boxing. Teardrop tattoo! It’s a Pitbull! Here’s the funny thing. Actually, I fell in love with the dog. I know a lot of people don’t like pitbulls ’cause they ate a couple of guys… I get it! There’s been some issues, but you owe it to yourself at some point in your life to walk down the street with a pitbull. I’m telling you, people just get outta the way It’s awesome! 3 or 4 blocks away, they see me coming, they just start crossing the street I love it my whole life I’ve looked like Ron Howard (a famous red head-not strong) Okay? I’ve been mugged, repeatedly! but the second they see that four-legged P90x body coming down the street everybody scatters. The greatest dog you could ever have is a pit bull. It’s like having a gun you can pet! It’s tremendous! I’m out of time! You guys were a lot of fun! Thank you very much!

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Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours To Kill (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerry-seinfeld-23-hours-to-kill-transcript/

Jerry Seinfeld’s new hourlong comedy special, Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill is now available on Netflix [In the first scene of the special we see Seinfield arriving at New York’s Beacon Theater after taking on a secret-agent persona and jumping out of a helicopter into the Hudson River] Helicopter Pilot: Mr. Seinfeld, you have a show tonight, don’t ya? Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, I do. Pilot: They’re telling me there’s too much traffic to land right now. Seinfeld: Oh. Pilot: What do you want me to do? Seinfeld: No problem. You can let me out anywhere along here. Thank you! Thank you very much! Oh, my God. What a moment. What a feeling. What an accomplishment this is… on your part. What you just went through… going out, dealing with… natural obstacles of life. Difficult people, arranging, planning. Annoying friends, many of whom you’re sitting with right now… …who, for some reason, required unnecessarily complicated back-and-forth, communicating about “Who’s going?” “When do we leave?” and “How do we get there?” “Why don’t you pick me up?” “Why don’t I pick you up?” “It’s on the way.” “It’s the opposite direction.” “My car.” “Your car.” “One car.” “Two cars.” “When are we gonna eat? Did you eat? I didn’t eat.” “Are you gonna eat? I’m starving.” “I’m stuffed.” “I’ve been eating Jolly Ranchers all day. I need something solid.” “What about the tickets? Who’s got the tickets? Do you have the tickets?” How many times did you hear the word “tickets” today? “Don’t forget the tickets.” “You have the tickets?” “Yeah, I got the tickets!” “Did you get their tickets?” “I didn’t get tickets for them. They gotta get their own tickets! They didn’t pay me from the last time I got ’em tickets.” Why are your friends so annoying? The people you have chosen to be with in life. It makes no sense. You’d get rid of all of ’em in a second… if it wasn’t even a bigger pain in the ass to find new people, learn about their annoying problems that they never do anything about… …change the names and numbers in your phone, delete the old contacts. “Ah, the hell with it. I’ll ride it out with these idiots. It’s the same meals, holidays, and movies anyway. What’s the difference who I’m with?” “Just wanna be out.” This is out. People talk about goin’ out. “We should go out. Let’s go out. We never go out.” Well… this is it. Now, the good thing about being out is you don’t have to be out for long. Just long enough to get the next feeling, which you’re all gonna get. And that feeling is, “I gotta be gettin’ back.” After all the work you put into getting your ass where it is right now… you’re only halfway through this nightmare at this point. Wherever you are, really, anywhere in life, at some point, you gotta get the hell outta there. You’re at work; you wanna get home. You’re at home. “I’m working all week. I gotta get out.” You’re out, and it’s late. “I gotta get back.” “I gotta get up.” “I gotta get to the airport.” “When are we getting on the plane?” Plane takes off. “When’s the plane gonna land?” Plane lands. “Why don’t they open the door so we can get out?” Nobody wants to be anywhere. Nobody likes anything. We’re cranky, we’re irritable, and we’re dealing with it by constantly changing locations. And so… we come up with things like this, what we’re doing right now. This is a made-up, bogus, hyped-up, not-necessary special event. That’s what this is. That a lot of people worked very hard to put together so that we could all just kill some time. That’s why I’m here. I had nothing to do either, by the way. I can tell you that. You know me. You and I… Come on, you and I know each other on a certain level… electronic, though it may be… for many, many years, at this point. We’re going through life together. A beautiful thing. You know what I’ve done. You know what I’ve made. You know how I live. You know for a fact… I could be anywhere in the world right now! Now, you be honest. If you were me, would you be up here, hacking out another one of these? Maybe… or maybe not. Nonetheless, I am thrilled to be here. I love it here. This could be my favorite spot in the entire world, right here, right now. Could be. [Woman] We love you! Thank you, sweetheart. I love you too. This is, in fact, my favorite type of intimate relationship. I love you, you love me, and we will never meet. Yeah, Jerry! It’s all things we do to convince ourselves our lives don’t suck. That’s another thing this is. You’ll be going tomorrow, “My life doesn’t suck. I saw a comedian who had a show in the ’90s last night at the Beacon Theatre on Broadway, in New York City.” Even though your life does pretty much suck. And I know that because I know that everyone’s life sucks. Your life sucks. My life sucks, too. Perhaps not quite as much. But still, in the vast suckness… of human life, everyone’s life sucks. It’s okay. Never feel bad that your life sucks. The greatest lesson you can learn in life: “Sucks” and “great” are pretty close. They’re not that different. We live here in New York. Over here, I’m so sick of hearing about great restaurants. “Jerry, we went to a great restaurant last night. It was great. You would love it. He would love it. Wouldn’t he love it? You would love it.” “You.” You know how your friends single you out? “You. Wouldn’t he? He would love that place.” “Did you like it?” “I didn’t care for it myself, but you…” I don’t like the great restaurants. I don’t like great anything. I’m looking for not bad. “How’s that food?” “It’s not bad.” “That sounds great. Let’s go over there and get this over with.” “Wanna hear the specials?” “No. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu. I’m not interested in food that’s auditioning to get on the team.” I don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about. “We’re gonna pan-sear it. We’re gonna herb-crust it. We’re gonna drizzle it with something that’s a reduction of somethin’ else.” Stop drizzling. We can’t take the drizzling anymore! It’s too much drizzling! Maybe if you didn’t reduce it so much, you wouldn’t have to drizzle it! The meal takes two and a half hours. Your ass is hurtin’ by the end of it. It’s not half as good as a bowl of Lucky Charms and Pepsi anyway. Check always comes in that book, the little story of the bill. Yeah, here’s the story. Once upon a time, you got rib. That’s the story. You’re on the street afterwards with your friends, “I-I didn’t think that was… Was that great?” Everyone says “great.” “Yeah, I didn’t think it was that great. What did you think?” “It sucked, right? That place sucks.” A lot of great places just suck! Then you go to a baseball game. You have a hot dog. The hot dog is cold. The bun is not toasted. The vendor is an ex-con in a work-release program. You love that hot dog every time. Does it… Does it suck? Yes. Is it great? Yes. That’s how close they are! “Sucks” and “great” are the only two ratings people even give to anything anymore. “Hey, let’s go see that new movie. I heard it’s great.” “Really? I heard it sucked.” “How could it suck? It’s supposed to be great.” “I heard the beginning is great, and then after that, it sucks.” “Oh, that sucks.” “I know. It coulda been great.” I say that “sucks” and “great” are the exact same thing. You have an ice cream cone. Walking down the street, the ice cream falls off the top of the cone, hits the pavement. Sucks. What do you say? “Great.” Food‘s a good subject. Let’s talk a little bit more about this. ‘Cause we were in Vegas a couple months ago. And everybody goes, “Jerry, you gotta go to the buffet. They got the buffet. Oh, come on. You can get whatever you want at the buffet.” What is the idea of the buffet? “Well, things are bad. How could we make it worse? Why don’t we put people that are already struggling with portion control… …into some kind of debauched, Caligula food orgy of unlimited human consumption? Let’s make the entrance a chocolate-syrup water park slide.” The buffet is like taking your dog to Petco and letting your dog do the shopping. You give him your wallet in the parking lot and go, “Why don’t you go in, get whatever you think… is the right amount of dog food for you? Use your dog judgment. I’m gonna wait in the car. Leave the window open a crack so I can breathe.” People do not do well in an unsupervised eating environment. Nobody would walk into a restaurant and say, “I’ll have a yogurt parfait, sparerib, meat pie, crab leg, four cookies, and an egg-white omelet.” People are building death-row last meal wish lists on these plates. It’s like a perfect working model of all their emotional problems and personal difficulties. They just walk around. They just kinda hold it out. “This is what I’m dealing with. It’s a salad with a scoop of ice cream on it. I’ve got some unresolved issues I’m trying to work out here at the buffet.” Start accosting strangers. “Excuse me. Where did you get that? What is that? I didn’t even see that. What is that? Is that a caramelized chicken leg? I gotta try that. Give me yours. You know where they are. You can get more. Come on!” Let’s… Please. Please. Please stay with the group as much as you can. We’re gonna be going through a lot of exhibits. I don’t want any stragglers. But when I was a kid, the biggest food thing that happened to me… When they invented the Pop-Tart, the back of my head blew right off. We couldn’t comprehend the Pop-Tart! It was too advanced! We saw it in the supermarket. It was like an alien spaceship. We were just chimps in the dirt, playing with sticks. Just… …grunting, pointing. “Pop-Tart is here.” Think back to when the Pop-Tart came out. It was the ’60s. We had toast! We had orange juice, frozen decades in advance. You had to hack away at it with a knife! It was like a murder to get a couple of drops of liquidity in the morning. We had shredded wheat. It was like wrapping your lips around a woodchipper. You’d have breakfast, you had to take two days off for the scars to heal so you could speak. My mom made Cream of Wheat. She didn’t get the recipe. “Mom, the amount of water in this dish is critical. You’re making it too thick! I can’t even move my little-kid spoon in the bowl! I’m seven. I feel like I’m rowing in the hull of a Greek slave ship. That was breakfast?” And in the midst of that dark and hopeless moment, the Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts suddenly appeared out of Battle Creek, Michigan, which, as you cereal fans know, is the corporate headquarters of Kellogg’s and a town I have always wanted to visit… because it seems like a cereal Silicon Valley… of breakfast super scientists… conceiving of the frosted, fruit-filled, heatable rectangles in the same shape as the box it comes in… and with the same nutrition as the box it comes in, too. That was the hard part. I don’t know how long it took to invent, but they must’ve come out of that lab like Moses with the two tablets of the Ten Commandments. “The Pop-Tart is here! Two in the packet! Two slots in a toaster! Let’s see ya screw this up! Why two? One’s not enough. Three’s too many. And they can’t go stale, ’cause they weren’t ever fresh.” What else is annoying in the world, besides everything? What about your device dictatorship that you live under, cowering in fear from your phone? “My phone! Where’s my phone? I can’t find my phone. It’s… Oh, here it is. I got it. It’s here. It’s here. My phone is here.” I didn’t… I moved it from this pocket to this pocket. I didn’t know where it was for a second. I’m okay. That was really close. Phew. You are so hypno-phonified at this point, you hand your phone to somebody to show them something. After two seconds, you go, “All right. Okay, give me it back. Give it back. You saw it. That… that’s it. Give it back. I am completely off-the-grid right now.” When that battery gets low… you feel like your whole body’s runnin’ out of power, don’t you? I just… I-I feel tired when the phone battery gets down to ten or five. I can’t even walk. “You guys go ahead without me. I gotta get to a charger.” A call comes in. “Listen, I don’t know how much time I have left out here. I wish I could take back some of the things I’ve said. If I go dead on the street, tell everyone I know I’ll talk to them tomorrow.” “Well, I gotta stay in touch with people, Jerry. That’s why the phone’s so important to me. People are pretty important, you know.” Really? They don’t seem very important, the way you scroll through their names on your contact list like a gay French king. “Who pleases me today? Who shall I favor? Who shall I delete?” We are not separating from the phone. It’s a part of us. Now, who are you with no phone? What access to information do you have? What you can remember. What’ll you do without your pictures? Are you gonna describe what you saw? That doesn’t work for us. We don’t wanna talk to anybody that doesn’t have a phone. That’s why it’s called an iPhone. It’s half myself, half phone. That’s a complete individual. I don’t even know what the purpose of people is anymore. I think the only reason people still exist is phones need pockets to ride around in. I used to think Uber was on my phone so I could get around. Then I started thinking maybe they put Uber on the phone because that makes me take the phone, ’cause the phone is using me to get around. Who’s really the Uber in this big prostitution ring? I’m the little bitch carrying the phone. The cars are the hos, picking up strangers off the street all night. And the phone’s the big pimp of the whole thing, telling the drivers, “You just get who I tell ya to get. I’ll handle the money.” We call it a phone. We don’t even use it as a phone. Nobody’s talkin’ on the phone. Once they gave you the option, you could talk or type, talkin’ ended that day. It’s over. Talking is obsolete. It’s antiquated. I feel like a blacksmith up here sometimes, to tell you the truth. I could text you this whole thing. We can get the hell outta here right now. Why would I wanna get information from a face when I could get it from a nice, clean screen? Don’t you feel uncomfortable now? Faces come up to you, “Well, I’ll tell you what I think about what you ought to do.” Their lips and their teeth and their gums and their… There’s a missed shaving spot, there’s a piece of crust, some goo. You see a little lunch remnant in their teeth. “Just send me an e-mail about this, would ya? I can’t do it anymore. Your face is the worst news I’ve had all day.” We wanna text, text, just text! We like that word, don’t we? “Text!” It’s fun to say. It’s got that… short, tight, got the x in there, a little bite to it. “Text it! Text!” “Don’t… I don’t… I don’t know where it is. Don’t tell me! Text it. Don’t tell me!” Remember when we first got text? Not really. Can’t really remember that. I-I can’t either. I mean, I know that we have it. I know we didn’t use to have it. I don’t know how we got it. I don’t remember… Did they tell us we were getting it? There was… Was there an announcement that we were getting it? There was no commercial. I don’t remember a commercial. “Want some human contact but kind of had it up to here with people? Try text. Need to get someone some information but don’t want to hear their stupid voice responding to it? You need to be on text.” We like it. It’s fast. It’s efficient. Not fast enough, apparently, for some people. Now, instead of “OK,” a lot of people text me just the “K,” leavin’ the “O” off. What… what microfraction of a second did you save? You think you’re efficient? What does that add up to, like two free minutes at the end of your day that you can watch a YouTube video of skateboarders banging their nuts off a railing? Somebody texted me “TY” the other day instead of “thank you.” I’d like to bang your nuts off a railing, TY. That’s not a thank-you. We’re so anxious to get the next text, they give you those three little ghosty dots to tell ya it’s coming. “Oh, we’re cooking up a good one for you. Wait till ya see this. You are not gonna believe what this guy’s about to say.” I can’t show it to you yet. We’re still working on it in the text machine, but it’s gonna be a beauty. You can see the pistons pumping. Sometimes, we get the ghosty dots, and then no text. What happened there? I wanna know what that was. Is that like somebody coming up to you and going… “Ah, uh, never mind.” The phones keep getting smarter. Why don’t we? Why are people on voice mail still telling me to wait for the beep? It’s the 21st goddamn century. I think we’re all up to speed on the beep. The Maasai tribesmen of the African plain know about the beep. They don’t leave a message till they hear: “Ma-ma-lay, ma-ma-lay. Beep!” Why are people still telling me to leave my name and number on voice mail? Are these necessary instructions for anyone? Anyone getting messages like, “This is a woman. Goodbye”? Or: “He’s dead. Call me back.” “Who was that?” What about the, uh, camera in the phone? I always wonder if they… Before they do those kinds of things, do they stand around and go, “Hey, are you sure this is a good idea? You don’t think this one feature, all by itself, could result in so many pictures, videos, posting, comments, and clapbacks that the entire life force of the human race just drains out like a puddle of piss by the side of the road? You don’t think that could happen from this one thing?” “No. Nor do I think every restaurant dinner will end with a picture bully going, ‘Okay, everyone. Picture. Come on. We gotta have a picture.'” “Why? We didn’t have a good time. I don’t wanna remember this.” And let’s make sure we get the least phone-fluent person in the area to take the picture. Someone old, nervous, clumsy, confused, or dim-witted. Someone that can’t hold things, see things, aim things, press things. Someone who, the second they’re handed the phone, it slips off camera mode, and they can’t get it back. “I don’t know. Is anyone… I don’t, uh… Does anyone know how to…” Let’s get that person so we can be standing here even longer with fake, frozen smiles and our arm around somebody you would never touch in any other social situation. We’re picture-addicted. There’s no way to stop it. Sometimes, I wanna go back to the flip phone. One of those ones I see on TV. They have these phones for old people with the… with the giant buttons like floor tiles. You ever see that commercial? These old people phones, two buttons: your kid, ambulance. That’s it. Forget the numbers. You don’t need the numbers. Why don’t we update some of these terms that we use in the tech world, like “e-mail”? Why is the world “mail” even in “e-mail”? Is there any similarity between e-mail and whatever the hell is going on in the Postal Service? One of them operates on a digital, fiber-optic, hyper-speed network. The other is this dazed and confused, distant branch of the Cub Scouts out there, just… …bumbling around the streets in embarrassing shorts and jackets with meaningless patches and victory medals. Driving four miles an hour, 20 feet at a time, on the wrong side of a mentally handicapped Jeep. They always have this emotional, financial meltdown every three and half years that their business model from 1630 isn’t working anymore. “How are we going to catch up?” I cannot understand how a 21st-century information system based on licking, walking, and a random number of pennies… is struggling to compete. They always push the postmaster general out on TV to explain their difficulties. He’s all freaked out, rings under his eyes, no shave, pullin’ all-nighters. “We can’t keep it up much longer. Looks like we’re gonna have to go up another penny on the stamps!” We’re sittin’ at home, “No, dude, relax. We don’t even know how much a stamp is anyway. Forty-eight, 53, 61… Make it a buck, you’re gonna get there. If it ends up you got some money left over, buy yourself some pants and a real car.” I would say to the Postal Service, “If you actually wanted to be helpful to us, just open the letters, read ’em, and e-mail us what it says! We’ll give you a penny for each one you do… …since that seems to be a lot of money in your world.” But we are all human. Human. The human is a social species, as we can see. We tend to congregate, aggregate, and coagulate together. We live here in New York City. That makes no sense. If you take a plane out of New York, and you look down at the city, what do you see around the city? Why, there’s nothing but empty, open, beautiful, rolling land out there. Nobody’s there! “Let’s pack in here, tight!” Uncomfortable, on top of each other, traffic, congestion! That’s what we like! Human beings like to be close together because it makes it easier for us to judge and criticize… …the personalities and activities of these humans. We like to give our thoughts, our comments, our opinions. Sometimes, we run out of opinions. We make them up. “It is what it is” is a very popular opinion statement nowadays. I’m sure some idiot said it to you today. You can’t get through a day without somebody going, “Well, it is what it is.” Why are you alive? To just say air words that fill the room with meaningless sounds? I’d rather someone blew clear air into my face than said, “It is what it is” to me one more time. Just… just come up to me and go… ‘Cause I get the same data from that! People like to say those things. “It is what it is.” You see, if you repeat a word twice in a sentence, you can say that with a lot of confidence. “Business is business.” “Rules are rules.” “Deal’s a deal.” “When we go in there, as long as we know what’s what and who’s who, whatever happens, happens, and it is what it is.” Jerry! We also like to say things to make ourselves feel better. “Well, at least he died doin’ something that he loved.” Yeah, well, okay… but he’s not doin’ that anymore. Also, not sure how in love with it he would still be… after the very negative outcome. I’d like to die doin’ somethin’ that I hate like cleaning a row of outdoor Porta Pottis. Clutch my chest, drop the brush, keel over, and go, “Fantastic. At least I’m done with that.” And when one does have occasion to avail oneself of one of these portable, plastic, outdoor public toilets, that’s a very different place than any other place you go in life, and you’re a little different, too, when you come out. A little shook up, like a combat veteran or somebody that works at a trauma center. “You all right?” “Yeah, no, I’m fine. I just need some time. I’ll be all right. I’m gonna take a walk. I need to think… about my life. It just doesn’t feel like it’s goin’ in the direction I wanted it to go.” And by the way, never marry anyone that comes out of one of these bathrooms and goes, “It’s not that bad in there.” Do not marry that person. You have a lot of fantastic qualities. You will eventually meet someone. Do not settle for an individual of this caliber. Because it’s very easy to use these bathrooms. I always find the spring tension on the door to be a little lighter than I thought it was gonna be. The door opens so easily, so welcoming. “Come on in. We have something for you.” A place to relieve yourself in exchange for a mental image picture that will cause you to twitch in your sleep every night for a year and a half… with PTSD: “Portable Toilet Spring Door.” I don’t even know how they’re allowed to call it a bathroom. It’s not a bath… You’re… you’re crapping in a hole with a box over it. It’s beastly! It’s hyena living! You wanna do that thing your dog does after going to the bathroom in the grass. You know that little move they make? You wanna do that after you’ve used one of these things. “Why you doin’ that?” “I’m tryin’ to get the last few minutes outta my mind. That’s all.” You’re such a great audience. This is really fun. Thank you so much for bein’ here. Hey, Jerry! Dude. All right. Let’s change gears at this point in our lovely time together here. So, those are things that I see in the outside world. Now, I wanna take you into Jerry’s little world… and give you a little perspective on what’s going on in my personal life. First, I will give you the basic numbers. Everybody likes the numbers. I’m 65 years old. I apologize for the shock value… …of that number. I am married for 19 years. I have three kids. My oldest is my daughter. I have two younger boys. I love being in my sixties. It’s my favorite decade of human life so far. When you’re in your sixties, people ask you to do somethin’, you just say no. No reason, no excuse, no explanation. I can’t wait for my seventies. I don’t even think I’ll answer. I’ve seen those people. You just wave when you’re in your seventies. “Hey, you wanna check out that flea market?” I like this time. It’s relaxing. I don’t wanna grow. I don’t wanna change. I don’t want to improve in anything. I don’t want to expand my interests, meet anyone, or learn anything I don’t already know. I don’t lie in restaurants anymore. “How is everything?” “I don’t like it here.” “Want the check?” “No, I intend to press charges. This is outrageous.” I don’t like to turn around. Like, if I’m walkin’ down the street like this… “Jerry, check this out. You gotta see this.” This move. I don’t… I don’t like doing this thing anymore. I just don’t wanna do it. “You gotta see this.” “I disagree.” I don’t feel old, I don’t feel tired; I’ve just seen a lot of things. I’ll see it on the way back, when it’s in front of me. How ’bout that? Or I won’t see it. Or I’ll Google it. Or I’ll just assume it’s probably a lot like something else I’ve already seen. A lot of people around my age make a bucket list. I made a bucket list, and I turned the b to an f, and I was done with that, too. I just want you to have that option. You can either check off all your items… or change one letter at the top, you’re in a La-Z-Boy, watchin’ a ball game. I got married late in life. I was 45. I had some issues. I was enjoying those issues quite a bit, as I recall. When I was single, I had married friends. I would not visit their homes. I found their lives to be pathetic and depressing. Now that I’m married, I have no single friends. I find their lives to be meaningless and trivial experiences. In both cases, I believe I was correct. Whichever side of marriage you’re on, you don’t get what the other people are doing. I can’t hang out with single guys. You don’t have a wife, we have nothing to talk about. You have a girlfriend? That’s Wiffle ball, my friend. You’re playing paintball war; I’m in Afghanistan with real, loaded weapons. Married guys play with full clips and live rounds. This is not a drill. Single guy’s sitting on a merry-go-round, blowin’ on a pinwheel! I’m drivin’ a truck full of nitro down a dirt road. You single guys here tonight, looking at me, “Hey, Jerry, what if I wanna be a married guy like you? What do I gotta have if I wanna be a married guy?” I’ll tell you. You better have some answers, buddy. You better have some answers for that woman. Women have a lot of questions. Their brains are strong, active, and on high alert at all times. You’re sleeping. She’s researching. The female brain is cookin’ all the time! The female brain is one of the most competent and capable organs in all of the biological universe. Girl power. You’re goddamn right. There’s nothing the female brain cannot do. It will solve all problems of earth and… life. Having completed that, it will move on to the hypothetical. Theoretical situations… that may or may not occur. The female needs to know how you might respond. “If you faked your own death, and I found out about it, what would you say then?” “What are we talkin’ about now?” “Oh, I dreamt the whole thing last night, so don’t deny it.” Being married is like being on a game show, and you’re always in the lightning round. I went out and bought a game-show podium. I set it up in my living room. I wake up in the morning, and I stand behind the podium, tryin’ to answer all my wife’s questions and get on with the goddamn day. I got a hand button-clicker. “I’ll take ‘Movies I Think We Saw Together’ for 200.” My wife, of course, is the returning champion from last week. “I’ll take ‘Details of a Ten-Minute Conversation We Had at Three O’Clock in the Morning Eight Years Ago.’ And I would like to bet everything I have on that, Alex. I’m going for the win right here.” The husband, of course, never has a clue. “I’m sorry, sir. You did not win the weekend sex package… …or the guilt-free televised sporting event. Thank you for playing. Are you even listening to me? And don’t forget to take that big bag of garbage with you on your way out… of the studio.” One of the things I did not know before I got married that I found out after I got married is that every single day of my married life, I would be discussing the tone of my voice. I was not aware, as a single man, that I so often speak in the incorrect tone. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical. I walk around the house with one of those round, black glee-club things. How ’bout that one? Am I gettin’ closer? “It’s your tone.” “My tone?” “Yes, your tone.” “What’s wrong with my tone?” “I don’t like your tone.” “What do you want me to…?” “You better change your tone!” Ever heard that? And women are correct, as they always are. The male tone changes over the course of the relationship. In the beginning, as the male pursues the female, in the courting or flirting phase, we speak two octaves higher. We raise our voice two octaves. We talk like this in the beginning. Because Chinese food or Italian sounds great. Maybe we’ll take a drive or go for a walk. My actual speaking voice that I am using right now to communicate with you is not welcome in my house. That’s why I’m out here talkin’ to you. Do you think that I talk like this… in my house, with this authority? The little edge in my voice? You think I speak like that in my house? I do not. If I walked into my own house, which I paid for, by the way. Not relevant, just wanted to mention it. If I said, like this… If I said, “I gotta get somethin’ to eat!” If I said it like that… First of all, any guy I know would say, “Eat whatever the hell you want. I don’t care what you eat.” Any woman will say, “Why are you yelling at me?” “I’m not yelling! I’m just hungry!” And then the fight breaks out, and when the fight breaks out, now you’re white-water kayaking. You got a plastic helmet on. You’re goin’ under. You’re poppin’ up. Just keep paddling. That’s when the woman’s tone of voice changes. Yes, the women are included in this, too. All women, at some point in every argument with the man, like to imitate the voice of the man. In the amazing organizational system that women have, they have all somehow worked out to do the same impression. “You always say, ‘Oh no, I can’t do things like that. That’s not what I said I was gonna do.’ You said, ‘I might go.’ You said, ‘Definitely go.’ ‘Oh, I don’t think… I don’t think that I’d feel comfortable.’ You go, ‘Oh, with your friends. We’re goin’ with your friends.’ It’s not like my friends. With my friends, you say, ‘Oh, I don’t think that I could…'” Who the hell is this guy? Where did you see this guy? I never heard anyone talk like this. “That’s because you don’t hear yourself. You should hear how you sound. You go, ‘Oh, I don’t think… You know.'” It reminds me of that Lollipop Guild guy: ♪ Oh, we represent the Lollipop Guild ♪ It’s all about listening. Want some marriage advice? Ya better listen up! A lot of wives complain that their husbands do not listen. I have never heard my wife say this. She may have. I don’t know, but… here’s what I do know. Ladies, your husband wants to make you happy. He’s workin’ on it! He’s planning it. He’s thinking about it every second. He cannot do it. He cannot do it. He does not know how to do it. Sometimes, we do it. We don’t know how we did it. We can’t ask, “What did I do?” That looks like you don’t know what you’re doing. Can’t do nothing. Woman says, “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” Man says, “Doing what?” Woman starts crying. Man says, “I didn’t do anything.” Woman says, “Exactly.” So, it’s a bit of a chess game, isn’t it? Except, the board is flowing water… and all the chess pieces are made of smoke. And you’re not alone. Don’t ever forget that in marriage. Society, culture, technology, even, is helping you on your journey of marriage. In your car, for example, dual-zone, separate buttons, on each side, climate control systems. Gee, I wonder if it was a married person that thought of that… and thought, “Hey, this could potentially come in handy if you’re with someone you’re legally bound to for the rest of your life and you need them to shut the hell up.” “I’m freezin’! I’m roastin’! I’m boilin’! It’s blowin’ on me!” When my wife says, “The air is on me,” it is the equivalent of a normal person saying, “A bear is on me.” That’s the emergency level. And I respond at that level, too. “Oh, my God. An evil breeze from a hostile vent is attacking my mate and life partner, who incidentally bore me three children without anesthesia. Probably could have caught the babies herself if no one was around, but cannot survive a waft of air three degrees off her optimum desired temperature.” And I’m sure this stupid dual-zone thing totally works, too, to keep different-temperature air molecules from commingling inside a three-foot wide, closed compartment of an automobile. Because I go to my coffee place in the morning… I like to get my coffee black on the left side of the cup, cream and sugar on the right, and that’s no problem. Or you go to fancy restaurants. Sometimes they say, “Do you want still or sparkling water?” I go, “Both. Same glass, keep ’em separate. I do it in my car all the time.” Here’s a marriage moment I saw for real. Husband in the car, wife on the sidewalk. He’s picking her up after work. He did not bring the car to a full and complete stop! She had the door open. She was hopping on one foot… …trying to get some kind of leverage on the armrest of… You can only get one foot in a moving car. One can only imagine the spirited exchange of ideas… that took place in that car the rest of the drive home. But that’s what marriage is. It’s two people… trying to stay together without saying the words “I hate you.” Which you’re not allowed to say. Okay? You can’t say that. You can feel it. That’s okay. Don’t let it come… …out. Say something else. Anything. Say, “Why is there never any Scotch Tape in this goddamn house?” “Scotch” is “I,” “tape” is “hate,” “house” is “you.” But it’s better. You don’t say, “I could kill you right now.” You say, “You’re so funny sometimes.” “So, Jerry, we would like to understand in a little more detail exactly how you pulled this off, ’cause we… We saw that you were, uh, just a single, regular, bachelor guy, 45 years. And then all of a sudden, you just… You just turned on a dime. Marriage, wife, kids, family. How’d you navigate that? How’d you acclimate? How did you procreate and cohabitate, learning to accommodate so as not to aggravate?” It’s a very good question, because a man in marriage will not survive if he does not have a strong brain-to-speech guard-gate control filtration system. You don’t just talk in marriage! It’s risky. When I’m with my wife, who I love so dearly, and a thought enters my head, the first thing I think is, “Well, I know I can’t say that.” Maybe I could say I heard someone else say it. And then she and I can share a warm moment together, agreeing on what an idiot that person must be. And we get along great. So, we have three kids. I told you that. We just came back from a lovey family vacation, or what I like to call: “Let’s pay a lot of money to go fight in a hotel.” I don’t know what the hell else we were doing. Let’s fight on bikes. “I’m gonna kill you.” “I’m gonna kill you more.” Let’s use profanity on a pristine, white-sand beach. Let’s fight about how well-behaved those other children seem to be. I wonder if they were out on the hotel balcony last night with 12-dollar minibar cashews, trying to hit the other guests in the head. So, my daughter is, uh, my oldest. She’s 18, and she just, uh, finished high school, went off to college. Big… That’s kind of a big, you know, step when you’re parents. Thank you. We did a great job. She finished high school. So, a lot of people… You know, everybody’s asking me, “How do you feel, Jerry? You know, first kid leaving the house?” And I’m good. I’m okay. I’m okay. The way I look at it, it’s like if you somehow found a baby alligator and you put it in your tub, and everybody would… “Look at this. I found this. Baby alli… Look. Put your finger in his mouth. Feel the teeth? Little teeth, little bitey, bitey teeth.” And then time passes, and you go, “You know, I think we gotta get this thing the hell outta here. This is, uh… This doesn’t feel right anymore. This thing is… it’s scary. This thing needs to be out there, murdering other living things and eating them. That… that’s what it’s supposed to do.” But I love being a dad. I was there at the birth. Obviously, the most dramatic human life moment. Anytime two people walk into a room, and three come out… a major event took place in that room. At the end of life, we go back basically into the same room, same bed, same stuff around. And again, a different number of people coming out than went in, but that is the human-being business. We gotta turn inventory, fresh product, keep the supply chain moving. We gotta get ’em in. We gotta get ’em out. That’s the hospital’s job. It’s rest, cleanliness. If it doesn’t work out, we help you move on. It says “hospital” when you walk in, but it could also be “Bed Bath & Beyond.” ‘Cause the babies never stop coming. Babies don’t care. You think babies care that the world’s a mess, you have issues? “We’re comin’ in! We want in!” They come in like racks of fresh doughnuts. More babies. More babies. More babies. Why are they here? They are here to replace us. That is their mission. Don’t you see what’s happening? They’re pushing us out. Their first words are “mama,” “dada,” and “buh-bye.” “Oh, we’ll see who’s wearing the diapers when this is all over.” That’s what the babies are thinking. But again, the father, struggling to keep pace. Moms that are here, we want to be what you want us to be. We can’t do it! We want to do it. The baby’s born. I remember… It’s just the most amazing thing. For the female, just these instincts just kick in. For the man, nothing kicks in. He’s just the same guy, standin’ there. It was years into my children’s lives, I’d see them staring at me from across the room like they were gonna come and say, “I’m sorry, is someone helping you? Mom, the horsey-ride guy is here again. Do we need anything?” Avoidance is the male domestic instinct. Golf, the ultimate avoidance activity. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrational, so time-consuming, the world “golf” could only possibly stand for: “get out, leave family.” And I have a lot of friends that play. They love it. Oh, they love it. “Jerry, you would love it. It’s a very challenging game.” “Yes, I am sure that it is. It’s also challenging trying to throw a Tic Tac 100 yards into a shoebox.” In the fantasy mind of the golfing father, when he comes home, the family will come running out to hear the exciting stories of his golfing adventures. In reality, no one is even aware that he has left or returned… from eight and a half hours of idiotic hacking through sand and weeds while driving drunk in a clown car through a fake park. Nonetheless, the father remains proud… dressing in bizarre outfits around the house on the weekends. All fathers essentially dress in the clothing style of the last good year of their lives. Whatever a man was wearing around the time he got married, he freezes that moment in fashion history and rides it out to the end. You see fathers on the street: ’05, ’91, ’83. Took the kids to the movies the other day. New announcement in the movie theater I hadn’t seen before: “Please pick up the garbage from around your seat after the movie.” “Oh, okay. Maybe I’ll bring my orange jumpsuit and a wooden stick with a nail in it, too. Maybe I’ll work my way down the highway after the credits.” I’m not pickin’ nothin’ up! I’m the one that threw it down. There’s a deal in place between us and the movie theater people. The deal is, you’re rippin’ us off! In exchange for that, when I’m done with something, I open my hand. Let it roll down eight rows. I’m not sticking my arm into that dark, scary hole… tryin’ to pry out three Goobers that have been solder welded there since The Shawshank Redemption. What have they done for us? What… what? You gave us a cup holder? Is that our luxury feature? How about an automatic popcorn shooter that fires one in every five seconds… to complete this corpse-like experience? The cup holder, that is the object that defines our culture. “We’re not holding cups! We don’t wanna grip!” Hands-free. Give me a cowboy hat with a beer on each side and a feeding tube comin’ down. Give me a dog leash with an extra leash wound up in it, in case the dog pulls it, I hit the button, let the line out like he’s a marlin. I go into a public restroom, I expect a motion detector on the toilet, sink, urinal. I’m doin’ nothin’ in here. Why is the sink never as aware of us as the toilet? You always have to go into a David Copperfield magic act to make that work. Who designed the bathroom stall with the under-display viewing window? So we can all see the lifeless, collapsed pant legs and tragic little shoe fronts that are just barely poking out from underneath the impotent belt, lying helpless. How much more money is it to bring this wall down another foot? It’s the cheapest wall in the world. It’s a metal panel. They don’t even make the panels meet up tight in the corners! Why can’t they cinch it up? Sometimes, you’re walkin’ by, you see a frightened, terrorized human eye. You ever see just a flash of eye white in the space? Just a pupil? Why are we doing this to people? I’m not a horse. I don’t wanna be in a stall. If it’s a stall, why don’t I hang my head over the door? That’s what the horses do. I’m sure my coworkers recognize my shoes. Let’s let ’em see my face, too. “Hey, Bob, how you doing? Yeah, this is why I had to run out of that big meeting. I had a little PowerPoint presentation of my own to do.” Thank you, New York City. You’ve been the best! I love you guys. You made me. I appreciate it. Thanks for comin’ in to see our show. Hope you enjoyed it. Good night. ♪ There’s a man Who leads a life of danger ♪ ♪ To everyone he meets He stays a stranger ♪ ♪ With every move he makes ♪ ♪ Another chance he takes ♪ ♪ Odds are he won’t live to see tomorrow ♪ ♪ Secret agent man ♪ ♪ Secret… ♪ Now, in the helicopter, what you would do… you’d move forward a little bit before you push out. What’s this one? It’s you in the doorway. Hey! Hey, what’s up? ♪ Beware of pretty faces that you find ♪ ♪ A pretty face can hide an evil mind ♪ ♪ Ah, be careful ♪ Yeah! ♪ What you say ♪ ♪ Or you’ll give yourself away ♪ ♪ Odds are you won’t live… ♪ Very good. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

T.J. MILLER: NO REAL REASON (2011) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/t-j-miller-no-real-reason-transcript/

– I wish I didn’t have to do this to perform, but it’s gotten me this far. All: you’re bad. You’re bad. You’re very, very bad. Thanks, guys. Can you clear all this out of here? [Sighs] [indistinct chatter] Mother, thank you for everything. I hope you get married and don’t die alone. [Indistinct chatter] – father, I just– I wanted to say thank you. Really great. Melody Duggan, my high school drama teacher, I credit my success to your brilliance as a teacher. You were a pussy in high school. You’ll be a pussy forever. Weird one. Nick Vatterott, thank you for everything, man. Did you go up yet? No, man, I’m– – right on. All right. Have a good set, dude. Is this–oh. Actually, I went the wrong way. Great set, man. I haven’t gone up yet. Super funny. [Indistinct chatter] father– T.J., I’m so proud of you. You couldn’t find the door to this one. Mom, I don’t know why I did any of this. [Upbeat hip-hop music] ♪ T.J. Miller, T.J. Miller ♪ t-t-t-t-t-t-t ♪ T.J. Miller ♪ T.J. Miller, T.J. Miller ♪ [cheers and applause] – What the fuck is up, Colorado, huh? [Cheers and applause] I think that’s a good way to start things off, yeah? Hey, guys, thanks for coming. This guy, totally unimpressed. From the very start, never clapped, nothing. Just so high. He just turned to his girlfriend. He’s like, “who is this? “Why does this comedian keep looking different each time I blink?” Nice. You got your Oregon hoodie on. That’s good. Are you aware of the state that you’re in, or no? Let’s start it off. Ready? I say, “hey,” you say, “ho.” Hey. All: ho! – Not everybody. Just you. Ready? Hey. – Ho. – Hey. – Ho. – He’s good. That was good. You’re a good ho. I mean, you’re– oh, this is great. Recently I threw up on the street in Washington, D.C. that’s exciting, right? Our nation’s capitol. That’s not a big deal. I throw up in the street a lot. I like to drink. And I get hungover. You know when you’re hungover and you’re like, “I am definitely gonna vomit today… but I wonder if I can make it to breakfast first”? So I rolled the dice. I was incorrect in my assertion. I know this, ’cause I made that sound that you make when you’re definitely gonna vomit. You know, when there’s no decision left? It sounds like this: [retching violently] you know? That’s a real problem. Which is the great thing about the human body too. Not only is vomiting disgusting, we get to look like a hungry baby bird right beforehand. [Retching violently] “feed me, mother!” It’s a British bird, perhaps a nightingale. What was different about this time is, right as I began to vomit, like, right as I was like: [retching violently] I turned, and I made eye contact with a woman sitting across the street at a Starbucks. And then I held eye contact as I vomited. Which is terrible. For her mostly. ‘Cause I feel so bad for her, you know, because her morning started off successfully. You know, she’s not wearing the clothing she was in the night before. She’s up on time. She’s probably thinking to herself, “well, another successful morning. “Sipping a frappe latte. What do they always say? “Early to bed, early to have the worms in your house. “I’m not very good at cliches, “or at least the person impersonating me isn’t. “It’s a real point of insecurity for him. “But at least I won’t have an awkward interaction with– what’s going on with that baby bird of a man over there?” Then she just sees me like: [retching violently] I also walk like a zombie when I vomit. But I feel bad for her, you know? ‘Cause what’s going on in her reality? She’s got to go home and call her friends, right? She doesn’t know the context. She just calls. She goes, “oh, my god, you guys. “I was so ugly this morning. I made a man vomit.” I don’t want her to think that, you know? Right? Wouldn’t you feel bad? Sorry, I just made it awkward, didn’t i? I do that a lot. When I make eye contact with people in the audience, I’ll hold it. Like, I’ll talk to somebody, and then I’ll finish talking, but I won’t look away… until then. That’s weird. That’s a weird thing, and now I made it all– I didn’t mean to make– you came to the show. I appreciate it. I don’t want to make it weird. In fact, if I need to talk to you from now on, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? I’m not talking to you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? [Laughs] you’re crying, did you just come from– why are you embarrassed about it? That’d be so awful if I was like, “why are you crying at the show, huh? “You’re crying from laughing? Get out of here. Go smoke pot in his van.” [Applause] I like the idea that maybe you guys are applauding that he might have a van. Like, “yeah, let’s hope he does. “Yeah, then he has a place to live… and lure children.” Did you know that, actually– this is true. This area of Colorado right around here in boulder has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? That’s true. I read it on Wikipedia. I mean, I put it in there, but I read it right afterwards… as an open-source coding check. I do, I creep people out a lot. I don’t mean to at all. I realized recently that sometimes when I’m excited about something, after I say it, I’ll go like this… don’t ever do that. That makes anything you’re saying sound, like, malicious or with malintent. Watch, I’ll show you. “Hey, what are you guys doing after the show?” What do I want to do to them after the show, you know? “Hey, man, can I borrow a stick of gum?” That gum ain’t for chewing. Even nice things. “Karen, congratulations. I heard you’re pregnant.” What am I gonna do, go up there and get it? And I have a friend. He creeps me out. Tell me if you have anybody like this. He winks at me a lot. Like, too much. Isn’t that weird? ‘Cause it’s 2011, and they’re not your uncle, you know? But he’ll wink, and sometimes it’ll make sense. And then other times, it won’t. So it’s very confusing. It’s like, “hey, do you want to hang out with those girls later? They’re down to party.” And I’ll be like, “yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. No, that sounds good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” “Yeah, then maybe later, you and me can get some pizza.” “No, I don’t think I want to do that. Does that involve us having sexual intercourse?” “No.” I like that move, when a guy gets scared. I don’t think that there should be plants with leaves or foliage that hangs down in airports. I’ll explain why. Wouldn’t that be weird if I didn’t? I just moved on right after that. ‘Cause I feel like a lot of times I’m in airports, I’ll be texting, and I’ll move out of somebody’s way, and if a plant even just– even mildly touches, like, grazes any– [grunting] like, suddenly I know martial arts, you know? “Is it a fern or a ficus? Aim for the roots.” And I got to stop acting weird in airports in general really. ‘Cause it’s weird. I’m getting more recognizable now, you know, ’cause I’ve been in some movies. I’m not famous. I’m, like, the least famous you can be while still being considered sort of famous, you know? Like, I’m the level of celebrity where groups of guys at airports will kind of look over at me and whisper to each other and then kind of look back over. And I’m not sure if they recognize me or they want to gang-rape me in the men’s room. Either way, I’m flattered. Or sometimes I’ll get somebody who knows that they recognize me, but they can’t think of the movie or the TV show or whatever– they don’t know where they recognize me from. Yeah, now, that’s always a weird interaction. I don’t know if you’ve ever interacted with somebody who is simultaneously very excited to see you but also very upset and frustrated with themselves. That’s strange, like, “hey, oh, you’re the guy– “oh, this is so–oh, this is great, so you’re from– “you’re the guy from– goddamn it! “Hold on a second. Don’t you tell me! “I’m gonna think of it. Hold on one second. “Son of a bitch, Trevor! Don’t– “all right, you tell me everything that you’ve been in. “I’ll tell you everything I’ve seen. “Then we’ll match it up, and then I’ll decide if it’s worth taking a picture.” Which, by the way, if you want to take a picture with me, you know, for whatever reason, you’re welcome to, but take a practice shot. I know that sounds weird, but so often, I’ll be posing, like, with a girl, and her boyfriend will be using her camera, and he won’t know how to use it, and so then I’m posing, and you know, she’s, you know, standing next to me, like… “press the button. “Press the– the button on the front. “Press the– fine, press the other– “press the one that looks like a camera. “Press the– “press–fine, press the one button that you haven’t pressed. “Why don’t you try pressing that? “What don’t you press that button? “He’s so stupid. He cheated on me in July. Press the button!” Then it’s just me like… got to wet that whistle, you know? One time I had a guy– this guy approached me at the airport, and he goes, “hey, you look familiar.” And I said, “yeah, well, you might have seen me in, like, some movies or on tv or something.” He goes, “nah, what high school did you go to?” And I was like, “east high.” And he was like– [cheering] all right, yeah. He was equally excited. And I said, “east high.” And he goes, “yeah, yeah, me too.” And I said, “well, I didn’t say the state or the city, and it’s named after a direction,” and he goes, “did you run track and field?” And I said, “no, I didn’t, so maybe it’s Chelsea lately.” He goes, “me neither. What was your best friend’s name?” And I was like, “it was Lloyd, but i–” then he goes, “I’m Lloyd.” And that’s how I reconnected with my best friend from high school. [Applause] don’t be presumptuous. There are good things about becoming a little bit more recognizable. I now have a rider, so that’s what I require, or I won’t perform, you know. Like, you know, some people have, like, no brown m&m’s or whatever. So I have, like, you know, a stool and water and everything, but I also put some things in there just for me, you know, just for fun. Like, I require– it says in the rider– a terrible turkey sandwich, and then, in parentheses, it says, “open to interpretation.” And then, either a real pinata or a hand-drawn picture of a pinata. Now, I do this for a couple of reasons. One, I think it’s hilarious. Two, it’s not very hard. You know, I mean, I had this girl come up to me once and– at a college, and she goes, “oh, my god. “I am so sorry. All they had was ham sandwiches. So I got you a ham sandwich. Is that okay?” I said, “a ham sandwich? “That’s a pretty terrible turkey sandwich. I like the way you’re interpreting things.” And then, if you can’t– you know, if you can’t buy me a real pinata, then anyone can draw a pinata. And if you can’t, then I’ll refuse to perform, like I did in upstate New York at Elmira college for 25 minutes. And let me tell you this, if you have never had a 22-year-old begrudgingly draw you a pinata… I recommend it. It’s a lot of fun. “Here, you happy? You want your little game, T.J.? Here. You happy?” “But where will he hang from?” And then sometimes people give me really cool pinatas, and I always take them home, and you got to carry them on the plane, ’cause you can’t check a pinata. That should be a t-shirt. But I was at this small airport. It was, like, you know, maybe two gates, 25 passengers, and I went into the bathroom, and when I came out, there was a TSA agent, and she was already mad at me. Never met me. Already. “Sir, excuse me. Do you have all your belongings?” I said, “yeah, I think–” “really? “Those aren’t your belongings over there? Those aren’t your belongings?” And I just look over, and my belongings that she was talking about was just this single, solitary, lonely pinata, like… “what did I do?” You know? I believe he was Ecuadorian. And I said, “oh, yeah. That’s mine. I just, like, couldn’t carry it into the bath–” she goes, “sir, if you don’t have your belongings with you, “we’re forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And I said, “okay, yeah, I just–i didn’t have–” she goes, “sir, forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And she was being so rude, I couldn’t help it. I was just like, “you should know this. “First of all, I don’t care about those belongings. “I don’t know why you’re making it plural. “Are you counting the legs separately? “So you can confiscate it, and two, you should know “that if you destroy those belongings, you’re gonna get a lot of candy.” [Applause] She didn’t find that very funny. I have a problem right now with anybody who has a small modicum of authority over you, but then they exert more control than they need to because it makes them feel important, and it’s not just the tsa. For instance, recently I was trying to pay by credit card at a haunted house. And the girl said, “I’m gonna need to see some i.d.” and I couldn’t find my i.d., and I said, “look, I’m so sorry, “but these are all my friends, and I said I would pay, “so you could you just– can you make an exception this one time?” And she goes, “sorry. No credit card, no i.d.” which didn’t make any sense at all. In fact, that was the opposite of what was happening. I didn’t think it was a good time to bring that up. So I said, “look, I know that. “I understand that’s the protocol, “but you’re the only person here, you know, so maybe you could make an–” I mean, she wasn’t the only person there. That would be a terrible haunted house. She’s just like, “here’s your change. “Hold on for just a little bit. “Come on back! “Ah! Wait here, like, 20, 30.” But she was the only person that had to, like, you know, follow through with that rule, so she didn’t let us in, so as I left, I just turned to her, and I went, “so let me just get all this straight, okay? “So you’re telling me you won’t let me pay for my friends “and I to go into your establishment “because I don’t have i.d. for a credit card “that you’re concerned I stole “and headed straight to the haunted house? “I just found a credit card, and I was like, ‘free money! “‘What do we do, electronics? No, let’s get scared with our friends for 25 minutes!'” and I was really pissed too, you know, because I don’t get scared by movies anymore, you know, or the dark or spiders. It’s mostly just haunted houses and then Stephen King novels. Do you guys get scared by those? Are those scary? [Scattered applause] Yeah, if you don’t think so, then you’re wrong, and you need to think about your own life. I’m sorry, that’s this catchphrase that I’m trying to get to catch on, you know? But it doesn’t really fit anywhere, you know. Think about your own life. Anyway… but Stephen King novels, they really–they do. They scare me. They’re so scary, I think he’s got to get scared while he’s writing them. Do you think? Do you think he’s ever, like, “oh, god. “Oh, Jesus Christ. “What will I write next? Ah!” They’re so scary, sometimes I don’t even want to turn the page, you know? I just want to throw the book out the window. Or if I’m in a room with no windows, I want to run into another room and throw it out of that window. Or if I’m in a house with no windows, I want to run downstairs and throw it out of the front door. Or if I’m in a house with no windows and no doors, that’s scary. How did I get in there? I’m not a very cool guy. I’m really not. I know this because what do cool guys do when they get a corona, huh? What do they do with the lime? They’ll press the lime down into the bottle, and then they turn the bottle upside down so that the lime slowly floats upwards to the bottom of the bottle, and by they turn it back around, usually they’re having sex with a woman. I always try and do that. I’m like, “oh, yeah, you’re going back to nursing– hold on a second. I got a corona, so–” [mimics liquid splashing] and whenever I ask advice about how to kind of act more smooth in certain situations, people always give me similar– like, do you ever have anybody say to you, “just do your thing”? “Just do your thing, man. Don’t worry about it, T.J. just do your thing. Just do your thing.” I don’t want to do that. Because my thing is this: that’s a weird thing. Don’t tell me to do that. That’s not gonna help me in any situation. I am kind of a strange guy, as I mentioned. I want to tell a story to illustrate that. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, was throwing — [laughter] see, this is why comedians don’t open up to audiences. ‘Cause we get slapped in the face. She was throwing away her tennis outfit. You guys know what that is. It’s a matching skirt and tank top used in the recreational play and competition of tennis. So she was getting rid of it, and I said, “do you think that will fit me?” And she said, “yeah, I think it’s elastic.” So I tried it on, and it fit, and I kept it for whenever I got high. ‘Cause it was comfortable, and it looked hilarious. And one time we were all hanging out, and my cousin came over, and I was wearing the tennis outfit, and he goes, “hey, you know what you should do? You should go downstairs to the corner of sunset and vine”– which is a very busy intersection where I live in Los Angeles. And he’s like, “and you should smoke a cigarette “in that outfit. I dare you.” And I was like, “you dare me? What are we, 15? Let’s do this thing.” So I went downstairs, but it’s Hollywood, so nobody was really weirded out by it. But then, as I was about to finish, this group of thuggish youths, you know, approached, like young rapscallions, ne’er-do-wells, no-goodniks, not-as-good-as-the-otherses. It’s a phrase that never caught on in the ’30s. They were approaching, and I knew they were gonna yell something at me. You know when kids are like, “hey! Hey!” You know, you know it. You know it. So I wanted to head them off at the pass. I wanted to yell something at them first, but I’m not mean or tough. I’m just weird, so I was like, “what is the weirdest thing “that a full-grown man in a tennis outfit could yell at a group of thuggish youths?” So this is what I did as they approached. Like, “hey! Hey!” Before they could yell anything, just full tennis outfit, I turned, and I went: “[clears throat] faggots!” [Cheers and applause] But here’s the thing, I was immediately punished for yelling that, because as I turned to run into my building because I’m a coward and I didn’t want them to kill me, I remembered that tennis outfits don’t have pockets, so I didn’t have the keys to my thing, so I was just left outside my building knocking, thinking, “this is gonna be the weirdest obituary ever.” But they didn’t kill me, thank goodness. Um… all they did was– the toughest-looking kid, this is what he yelled. He just goes, “you too old, you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!” Which, I think I win that round. Here’s why. Let’s imagine him telling the story later. “Yo, so we was walking down the street, right? “And there was this dude in a– “full-grown guy, you know, tennis outfit. “You know, matching skirt and tank top “used in the recreational play and competition of tennis? “So he looked at us, and he was like, ‘heh-heh, faggots!’ “No, he– no, he yelled that at us. “What do you mean what was I wearing? “I was wearing this. “So anyway, we walked by, and I was like, ‘you too old, “you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!’ “What do you mean too old to what? “Too old to wear a tennis outfit. You got to cut that shit out at 23.” I used to live in chicago, and I was in new york for a little while. [Scattered applause] yeah, there it is. That’s the softest excitement for chicago– [cheers] “I used to live in chicago.” Three or four people were like, “[weakly] yeah. “I feel neutral about that. “It was just more of an opportunity to let air out of my body.” I like public transit, because you get to interact with people that you would never interact with otherwise, you know? The best thing I ever saw, on the train in chicago, there’s was this kid. He had his shirt up above his nipples, and he was going like this: and I admired his freedom. But his father thought he was a funny guy, and he goes– loud enough so that everybody could hear–he goes, “uh-oh. “You know what happens to people with exposed bellies. Belly slap!” And then he slapped the kid’s belly, like, really, really hard, though. Like, the kid was like… “[grunting]” so I wanted to say something. So I just walked up to the father, and I went, “excuse me, sir. “You gave your word. Slap it.” They got off at the next stop. I followed them home. I lived with that family for two years. One thing I do not miss about being on public transportation is, I hate making eye contact with anybody under the age of three. Do you guys hate that? You ever lock eyes with a baby or a toddler? ‘Cause they don’t look away. They haven’t learned that yet, you know? So you’ll be like, “hey, little buddy.” And they’re like: and then eventually, you look away, ’cause you’re a person with manners. But if you look back, they’re just still staring. So I always make a face, ’cause I feel like that’s what I would have wanted when I was a little baby, you know? Lock eyes with a stranger. Make a little face, and I look at him, and I go: [hissing] which is difficult to explain if a mother catches you doing it. All right. Let’s do some short jokes. These will be fun. I got called a gaywad recently. Gay wad. Some guy yelled at me from his truck. That’s great. One gay isn’t enough for me. I’m a wet clump of homosexuality. Is this gay, though? Last week, I roofied a girl. Yeah. But when she was passed out, I just redid her hair. It looked terrible. You guys like to play with words? I’m dyslexic. And I got really depressed about it recently, so I ended up slitting my ankles. I left a suicide note. It said, “see you later, crocodiles.” Called somebody an Indian giver recently. They were really offended, so I had to take it back. My name is T.J. Miller. I’m tired of being called “t-gay butt-filler.” So let’s cut that out, specifically on the internet. I want to be known by my christian name, butt fucker. That’s what my boyfriend christian calls me. I’m not gay, but that’s a great joke. Don’t get in the way of your own fun. Sometimes I can tell immediately when I meet someone that we’ll never be good friends because of something that they say. Like, if when you like something, you say “cool beans”– like, “cool beans. That’s cool beans.” Then us being good friends is not cool beans with me. If you still think it’s still funny to say, “guess what. Chicken butt.” Guess what. We’ll never be good friends. If you say, “that is so random. How random is that? That is, like, so random.” You’re right; that’s very random. But you know what’s consistent? The fact that we’ll never be good friends. And if we’re in the car and you say, “ooh, look at the clock. It’s 11:11. Make a wish.” And 30 seconds later, you’re still alive, my wish didn’t come true, and we’ll never be good friends. I like to go up to girls sometimes and go like this: “so sarah and I were– excuse me. “My eyes are up here. “They’re not down here. They’re up here. “I know I have glitter here. You look up here. Now slap it.” I like long island iced teas. [Cheers] I like long island iced teas because they’re more of a statement than they are a drink. You know, the bartender’s saying, “what will you have?” And you’re saying, “all of it. “I’ll take all of it. Put it in a tall weird glass. “With a splash of coca-cola so no one can see how lonely I am inside.” Mimosas are fun too, because if you’re drinking champagne at 8:00 a.m., you’re an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice, it’s just an early brunch. But beware of this, okay? Some places will advertise bottomless mimosas. Let me just say this, okay? From personal experience, if by 10:00 a.m. you’re so drunk that you’re physically forcing your waiter to wear the french toast hat that you made him, you’ve reached the bottom of those mimosas. You’ve reached the rock bottom. [Cheers and applause] I have a prescription for marijuana in Los Angeles. [Cheers] It’s for anxiety. Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana. [Applause] So let’s clear that right up. I got kicked out of the party store for partying. That doesn’t seem fair. They should call it the unfun streamer store where you’re not allowed to break-dance and funnel gin and tonics store. I’m so excited to tell this next joke. Hey, have you guys ever been to a big lots? It looks like a target just got looted. It’s fun. Sometimes when I’m talking to a guy with a short man complex– you know those guys with a napoleon complex that won’t let you get a word in edgewise? When I’m listening to them, I like to go like this… “uh-huh. Sure. “Really? Okay. “And then what happened? “No. “Well, where was sarah? “What did she say? “No. “Tell me more about that. “Really? Uh-uh.” And then when I’m shorter than them, I just go, “how’s the weather up there?” And I punch them in the dick. [Cheers and applause] that joke’s even better on paper. My friend said to me, “T.J., you’re more of a word man. Me, not so much as much.” I said, “yeppers, yepppers, johnny deppers.” You can use that. I’d like to “pre-face” this next joke by saying that I don’t know the correct “pro-nown-ciation” of the word “prefikay.” So I was reading the “profuse” of this book the other day, and I was like, “this is so long, it needs its own ‘prefachay.'” pronunciation of the word preface joke didn’t go that well, huh? That’s okay. I got other stuff. Hey, what do gay horses eat? All: hey! – Horse dick. Oh, you like that one better? Yeah? Just getting the intellectual barometer of the room. This guy. I like late laughers, you know? Guys that are thinking a little bit about it, decide to return to the laughter. [Laughs] [laughs] but I’m not making fun of your laugh. I want you to know that–at all. ‘Cause I hate it when people make fun of people’s laughs. It’s such a terrible thing. You ever had anybody make fun of your laugh? That’s basically like saying, “hey, you know that sound “that you make when you’re happy and joyful “and the tragedy and sadness that permeates our lives “is temporarily set aside for a moment of euphoria? “Yeah, you sound stupid. You should stop doing that.” And when we first started dating, karen used to say that she hated when I would laugh really hard, because she said it sounded like I wanted to kill her. You know how snoop dogg says you got to drop it like it’s hot? Well, I dropped that like it was any temperature. [Maniacal laughter] I’m gonna kill you. Sorry. Ugh. This woman wouldn’t let me hold her baby the other day, because she said I was too drunk. Okay, first of all, don’t bring your baby into the bar. Am I right? And second of all, if I’m drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever say something and you regret it right afterwards? Like I just did, yeah. You want to hear the worst thing that I ever said? This is so awful. I was at this party, and this girl came over, and she went into the bathroom, and I don’t know why, but I turned to my friend, and I go, “[wincing] looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel.” And he was like, “she did get hit in the face with a shovel.” And I was like, “sorry.” And he’s like, “T.J., you hit her in the face with a shovel. “Three weeks ago, you were burying treasure, and she scared you.” And that’s true. She came out of nowhere. I don’t care if you– I don’t care if you like my comedy or if you think I’m funny. It doesn’t matter to me, because after the show, I’m probably gonna get a little bit of this. Maybe some of this. Some of this. Or if I’m really lucky, tonight will be the night I’ll get what I’ve always been looking for, a little bit of this. You know what’s weird about that one, those of you that didn’t like it don’t know why. Some of my best thinking is done in my shirt that says, “Idaho? You da ho.” I was thinking about how language truly is a elastic, isn’t it? Even changing one letter can change the semantics of a word, and then I had a totally separate thought. I was thinking about how our perception of our own bodies is much more important than other people’s perception of our bodies. Isn’t that true? And I was thinking about that when I was wearing my shirt that says, “this is ain’t a beer belly. It’s a gas tank for a fuck machine.” So I guess what I’m saying is, t-shirts can tell you a lot about a person and how they think. For instance, I saw a guy. He was wearing a shirt that said, “warning, choking hazard.” And then there was an arrow pointing down. And that tells you a few things about that guy. One, he’s got a killer sense of humor. Am I right? Two, he’s concerned with other people’s safety. That’s a bonus. And three, he’s a date rapist. So don’t talk to him. I feel like those are the guys that write bathroom graffiti. I don’t know. How many of you are enthusiastic about bathroom graffiti? I think it’s nice for somebody to take time out of what they’re doing to write something for us to read while we’re doing what they were doing. But I find it’s often exaggerated, you know? It’s hyperbole for effect. So I carry a sharpie marker, and I’ll add to it underneath to make it more truthful. So you know, somebody will write, like, “Florida state sucks.” And underneath, I’ll write, “mostly because of budgetary restrictions.” You know, or they’ll write, “Sarah’s a slut.” And underneath, I’ll write, “because her parents didn’t “give her enough attention, she seeks out male attention in negative ways.” That’s true. Or somebody will write, “for a good time, call this number.” And I’ll cross out the number and put mine, and then I’ll cross out the word good and put, “weird.” And then I’ll cut out two little eye holes right above it, so when they’re finished reading, and I just pop up and go: can you guys imagine if I had ketchup bottles instead of legs? Take a moment and imagine that. If I had ketchup bottles for legs. Look at that. Now, how many of you in here, when you imagined my legs of ketchup bottles, imagined the fat base of the bottle where my feet would be? By round of applause, how many people? Yes? [Applause] so you’re all people that I would consider to be friends, and you’re reasonable individuals, okay? Now how many of the rest of you live in a fanciful world, and you imagined that I had the little white caps as my shoes? [Applause] Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that’s physically possible. I can’t balance on those little cippy-cappy. Tip-toppers. Okay? As soon as I get any speed going, I’m gonna trip. My legs are gonna shatter everywhere. Here’s another weird thing about the human mind. Now everybody imagine me with wings on my head. Imagine that. We all imagined the same thing, this, right? Nobody imagined this. ‘Cause it hurts your nose. I’ve been practicing introducing myself as someone named Tim Gregory. Here are my top three favorites. Hi, I’m Tim Gregory. Put here there, right there. Yo, what’s up? It’s me, Timmy G. Tim Gregory. Whoa–i didn’t notice you there, lurking in the shadows. Are you a ninja? Just kidding. I’m Tim. So those are my three favorites. If you can think of any better ones, send me a Facebook message, but don’t ever tell me to Facebook you, ’cause I’ll just hit you in the face with a book. Well, we can all agree. Denver-boulder likes to fucking party. [Cheers and applause] as I mentioned before, I recently got divorced from my wife of– ex-wife now. I keep saying wife. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, and– you know, whenever you split from someone, we always want to blame the other person, don’t we? We do. But it’s always both people’s fault. I had my part in it, you know? I was irresponsible. I didn’t always keep my word, you know? I asked questions that I didn’t really want to know the answer to. Like, guys, don’t do this. I asked her what she thought about the size of… you know. And she said it was just right. That’s what she said, just right. Yeah, that’s great. Let’s all think about that as a group. That means she’s had a lot smaller. She’s also had a lot bigger. But I ended up being just right. She’s like goldilocks. She tried everything. But the porridge was penises. She’s the goldilocks of dicks. She’s goldi-cocks. Ladies, you should know I’m all head, no shaft. All head, no shaft. Looks like a portabella mushroom smashed my dick. Got one of them shiitake cocks. Super Mario 1-up dick. A girl goes down on me, she gets an extra guy. That’s weird. Now, I realize that I may have alienated some of you with that last piece of material. And I want to apologize, but rather than push you away, I was actually trying to help you by bringing you closer to me. And you’re probably thinking, “T.J., how is that possible?” Well, what do we do when something goes wrong in our lives? What do we say? Fml, right? F. My life. Fuck my l. Or whatever you want to say. But hopefully the next time that something bad happens to you, you’ll stop yourself. You’ll say, “fm– hold on a second. “You know, T.J. Miller came on stage, “and he opened up to us about a condition that he had “where he was primarily head and very little shaft. “And no matter how bad things get for me, at least in college, “they didn’t use to call me ‘old broccoli dick.'” now, I tried to make the best of it, okay? I tried to make lemons out of lemonade. That’s very difficult. That’s the wrong order in which to do that. You got to freeze the lemonade into little frozen lemon ball sphere– I don’t want to talk about it. The point is, my tale is a tale of inspiration and hope. Because with enough hard work and dedication, I was in yogi bear 3-d. [Cheers and applause] I am pleased to say that I made enough money that I got an operation down there, and now it looks a little bit more like this: my penis has a metal base, and the head is detachable. And it amplifies your voice, which makes for very confusing fellatio. But you know, Karen had her issues too. [Sighs] she had trust issues, you know? She went through my email. Do we have any girls in here that go through their guys’ email? – [Whistling] [scattered cheers] – do we have any girls in here that are sitting as completely still so as not to betray the fact that they– and why would she do that? And did you guys like that move when I almost hit the stool? That was pretty good. I almost hit the stool. I was about to back into it, but instead I did a little pirouette, and now everything’s fine, and if I had just not mentioned it, we would have been good. She did. She went through my emails. Why would you do that? Why would you go through someone’s email? Did she find what she was looking for? Did she find some email that was like, “hey, it’s me, T.J. “read all this in whisper tone. “I love cheating on you with my girlfriend, okay? “All righty, I got to go. She’s sitting right next to me. Love you more than her, T.J.” no, of course not, okay. And she even went through past emails, you know? She went through emails that I had sent to a college girlfriend, and why would she do that? Was she just like, “i want to have a terrible week,” you know? She came to me– this is true– and she said, “you know what? “You’re an unoriginal jerk. “Everything that you’ve said to me, you’ve said to some other girl.” And I felt awful, but I was like, “yeah. Of course.” There’s only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, you’re gonna run out and be like, “garbage truck, banana boat.” Did she want me to make up– – inconsiderate fuck! [All gasping] – oh, see, so– so as I was saying earlier, before a girl during my comedy central hour special got up and went, “you’re an inconsiderate fuck!” [Applause] Oh, god. She had a back tattoo that in Chinese, I think, said, “sorry.” [Cheers and applause] it said– actually, I read the whole thing. It said, “sorry, I’m sure you thought this was going to be better.” [Cheers] so as I was saying, you know, when Karen went through my emails and she said how unoriginal I was, I mean, what did she want me to do? Did she want me to make up words? I would have, you know? I loved her. You know. I would have gone up to her and said, “hey, listen to me. “I love you so much, but I would never say that, “because I’ve said it before. “Instead, I want to tell you “that you’re absolutely ‘fadaktuyaputs,’ “and when we’re together, it is so ‘shapunkayoots.’ “And I’ve never said any of this to anybody before. “But when we make love, it is absolutely… [speaking nonsense syllables]” no, ’cause she was a pessimist. She probably would have said, “you probably said that to some native american girl.” I travel a lot now. One of the ways that I make it better is, you know whenever a plane lands, the pilot will get on the p.a. system and go, “united airlines would like to be the first to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado. “We appreciate your business, and we hope you’ll fly with us again.” What I like to do is, right before we’re about to touch down, I just yell, “welcome to Denver!” ‘Cause they have to get on and go, “[sighs] “well, now he said it, so I can’t say it. “He already said it. “You shut up, Glenn. You’re the copilot. “United airlines would like to be the second to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado, thanks to passenger 19b who had 15 scotch and sodas and fell asleep in the bathroom.” That’s a true story, that last part. [Cheers and applause] I live in southern California. In northern California, a young couple tried to sell their baby in a Walmart parking lot for $50. – Yeah! – Now, before you freak out– and definitely don’t yell “yeah” like that guy did. That guy was like, “yeah! Oh, nope. No. I’m not in a safe place.” Before you freak out, the couple was definitely meth heads. They were definitely meth heads. I know this because I looked up their picture online, and you know when you’ve been doing meth and you’ve been scratching your face all day ’cause it feels so good, and you’re like, “i got to stop scratching my face, otherwise it’s gonna start bleeding,” but it feels so good that you’re like, “i just want to scratch it one more time,” so you make a deal with yourself where you’re like, “okay, I can just scratch it one more time really, really good, and then I won’t scratch it again,” but then you start scratching, and you’re like, “I’m gonna keep scratching.” And then you start bleeding profusely? That’s when they took the picture. But I’m not concerned with the sale of babies. You’ll find that out about me if we become better friends. And I’m also not too concerned with meth use until I heard this story, because meth is now– that’s a terrible drug because of what it does to your mind in terms of understanding the value of a baby and how to sell a baby. $50? First of all, they picked the wrong sales location, and that’s everything. A Walmart parking lot? No one is walking into a Walmart excited about their life and wanting to add more people to it. If anything, they’re there because they can’t stop adding people to their life. Think about it. Have you ever walked into Walmart and been like, “all my dreams are coming true”? No. Okay. If anything, you’re there ’cause you keep accidentally adding more lifes to your life. But let’s just pretend for a second that somebody would wake up that morning, and they’re like, “oh, I wish I had a baby, but I don’t have a girlfriend or a wife, and I would buy one, but that’s illegal, so I guess I’ll just go to Walmart.” And then, as they’re walking to Walmart, they’re approached by a young meth head couple, and they were like, “hey, you want to buy a baby?” “Yes, I do. There is a deity. How much for the baby?” “$50.” “What’s wrong with the baby? “$50? Is the baby on clearance? Are they rolling back baby prices?” Can we all agree, okay, human life is priceless, right? But a baby is worth at least $1,200. Well, $1,300 if it’s Puerto Rican. [Moaning] you know, a lot of you reacted negatively to the last part of that joke, but if you’d listened carefully, I overvalued the Puerto Rican baby by $100. So if when I said that the general baby was $1,200 and the Puerto Rican child was $1,300 and you went, “ugh,” you’re racist. Think about your own life. [Cheers and applause] Okay, i’d like to do some characters for you guys. These are really short and strange, so if you didn’t like the more abstract material, then you’re definitely not gonna like this, but just bear with me. It’ll all be over soon. This first character, this is, like, a hip-hop guy, but when he laughs, he laughs like a young Asian schoolgirl. “Yo, what’s up? You going to the club later? “Yeah, I’m about to hit that up. “If I’m lucky, I’ll be hitting something else up later on, “you know what I’m saying? [Tittering]” this next character… this is a guy who doesn’t know how to use the word “clusterfuck” correctly. “Hey, you know that waitress I was with last night? Totally clusterfucked her.” This next character, this is a guy who– whenever he’s trying to think of something, he hums to himself, but the only music he’s ever heard is heavy metal. “How long have I lived here? I have to think about that. [Humming aggressively] oh, about six months.” Thank you. This next character, this is guy whose favorite bar is a gay bar, but he doesn’t know that it’s a gay bar. “You guys want to go to my favorite place? “Yeah, it’s called the man hole. Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. “You can take off your shirt if it gets hot, “and they have holes in the bathroom stalls “so you can play tricks on each other, like, ‘what are you doing in there?'” this next character, this is a robot who’s about to get busy on the dance floor by doing the person. “All right, let’s do this thing. “I’m gonna do the person. I have emotions, and I need to eat to live.” [Cheers and applause] This is a girl whose orgasm face, her “o” face, is completely neutral. “Oh, my gosh. Oh. Oh, this is amazing. “Oh, right there. Right there. “Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. “[Moaning] oh, my god. That was amazing.” This is a guy who’s really pushy about whether or not you want a bite of his banana. “Hey, you want a bite of this or not? “I’m not asking a second time. “You want potassium in your diet, “or do you want to get a foot cramp tonight? “Time’s ticking. [Muffled] fuck you.” And this is guy who’s impotent, but that doesn’t stop him from talking really dirty in the bedroom. “Oh, yeah, you want some of this soggy churro, huh? “Come get some of this limp, broken baby’s arm. Let’s see if we can get this wet noodle al dente.” That was too much probably. Yeah. Sorry. Was probably too much. Oh, then you’re definitely not gonna like this one. So this a girl that, whenever she gets her period, she talks about it a lot, because she thinks it’s really cute and funny, but it’s not. It’s her period, and it’s private, and she doesn’t need to talk about it all the time. “Okay, you guys, I have to go to the little girl’s room. “Yeah, a little visit from aunt Flo. “It’s a crimson wave down there, so save me some calamari. “No marinara, though. I brought my own.” [Explosion] [cheers and applause] [alarm sounding] [gunfire] So this next character… this is a girl who’s in Las Vegas, and she desperately wants to use the slogan for Las Vegas, but she doesn’t know how or why or when to use it. “Hey, you guys, I have a boiled egg in my panties. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” This next character, this is a comedian who probably should have quit while he was ahead. [Cheers and applause] This is a southern belle who’s very unattractive, so when she walks down the street, she has to whistle at herself to get people’s attention. “[Whistling] “why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer. “Here’s a camera. “Thanks. Bye-bye now. “Whoops, caught you– “whoops, caught you looking– excuse me. Whoops, caught you looking.” Okay. This is a girl who set out to have a fun time for the evening but ended up just ruining it for everybody. “You’re an inconsiderate asshole.” [Cheers and applause] This is a guy who, whenever something goes right for him, he celebrates, but for too long and in the wrong way. “Hey, did you guys hear “the Miami heat covered the spread? “Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! Notice the arms!” Thank you– [cheers and applause] All right, so just want to tell you guys one more story. Sorry there’s so much confetti on you. This guy’s covered in confetti. How often does that happen, though? Wouldn’t it be weird if you were like, “pretty much every day.” He’s had the weirdest life. So I want to tell one last story. This is a true story. I really like making a face when I get my driver’s license photo taken, but it’s illegal in California. You’re not allowed to do that. I know, because I called, and I asked, and they said if you make a face, then they have to retake the photograph, and if you do it three times, then you don’t get your license for the day. And I was really bummed out, but then I came up with what I think is one of the best ideas that I’ve ever had. What are they gonna do if you walk into the dmv already making the face? Now, you got to pick a face that doesn’t look like you’re making a face, but you still want to look weird, so the one I went with was this one. ‘Cause there’s people that look like that. And that’s what I held for and hour and 25 minutes. That’s true. This is true. I went through every single line. I did. I was like, “here you go. [Mumbling]” I wasn’t even sitting. I was just crouching. Then it came time to go to the photography line, so I went all the way through, and I gave them my stuff. I was like, “here you go.” Which, I don’t know why I changed my voice. I didn’t need to. I guess I just thought it matched, but the guy in the photography line– this is all true– he wasn’t even looking. He was on the computer, and when he looked up and saw my face, I swear to god, he went like this. He goes… “[gasps]” now, I realize I’m the one creating the mischief here, but if your reflexive reaction to a strange-looking individual is… “[gasps]” perhaps don’t work in the photography section of the dmv. So my paperwork was all in order. All he could say was, “okay, go stand behind the white line,” and as I turned, I began to laugh, and I had to compose myself, because I remembered that the only thing that he can say to me when it came time to take a photograph was “smile.” And I realized that this guy… when he smiles, can look real weird. So I got ready to take the photograph, you know. I stood behind the white line. I was like… the guy’s like, “okay, you all set?” I’m like, “[muffled] uh-huh. Yeah.” He’s like, “okay… smile.” [Mimics flash bulb popping] that’s what’s on my California driver’s license. [Cheers and applause] thank you guys very much. That concludes the show, but before I saw good-bye, I just want to say… hell yeah it is. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. [Cheers and applause] [upbeat hip-hop music] ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ freedom of speech here, no censure ♪ ♪ but don’t diss the city or the thunderdome you enter ♪ ♪ talk shit about her ♪ trust that I’ll defend her ♪ ♪ attack Denver, your weapons we render ♪ – ♪ useless – ♪ chug coors, tip the bartender ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ address unknown ♪ return to Denver ♪ only go to gay pride when I’m on a bender ♪ ♪ ain’t like Texas women ♪ ♪ don’t have to guess the gender ♪ ♪ rocky mountain oysters, I’ll eat it if it’s tender ♪ ♪ you’d eat bull’s balls too if you had human balls, wendell ♪ – ♪Denver, Denver ♪ ♪ fuck you, wendell♪ – ♪ girls hot are hot trans fat or transgender ♪ ♪ if you’re daughter’s bad at school ♪ ♪ they’re gonna suspend her ♪ ♪ prep a deep tan in pueblo ♪ pretender ♪ we got the rocky mountains in all of their splendor ♪ ♪ but not rocky, ’cause we are a contender ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ Atlanta’s where they players play ♪ ♪ but they live in Denver ♪ rather drive stoned, avoid a fender bender ♪ ♪ want to marry holly but obsessed with kendra ♪ ♪ went to war with Texas ♪they surrendered ♪ ♪ what’s more, all that stuff ♪ ♪ about us eating Texan babies is folklore ♪ ♪ we do drink their blood though ♪ ♪ seriously, fuck a bunch of Texans-er ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ I grabbed your ass ’cause it was looking tender ♪ ♪ don’t send me to jail ♪ ♪ I’m a first-time offender ♪ ♪ go ahead ♪assign a public defender ♪ ♪ ’cause our lawyers are the fucking bomb, y’all ♪ Have a dope-ass legal representation! [Grunting] Legal eagles and legal beagles, y’all! Don’t forget what you heard! Go forth and spread the word, y’all! Denver, Colorado! Ballerado! 303 dopest lawyers in the country, yo! One time for J. Kent miller. Doin’ law, ya’ll! Check it! You know how those Colorado lawyers do, what! They always got to back up to drink, man! Why? ‘Cause they just passed the bar, y’all! T.J., god damn it. You rhymed “tender” with “Denver” like six times. More like three. That’s still a lot. That’s true.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LEE MACK: LIVE (2007) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lee-mack-live-transcript/

[TAKE ME OUT BY FRANZ FERDINAND PLAYING] PRESENTER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lee Mack. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yes! Come on! It’s the last night of the tour! Yes! Right, let’s start with a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? ‘Cause his house is being bombed by the Russians. Leave him alone, he’s only a chicken! Yeah, you don’t like the politics, do you? Do you know what it’s like to walk down the street with everything you own in a plastic bag whilst your house is being bombed? No, you don’t. Leave that chicken alone. Is this on? Leave him alone, he’s a chicken. Sorry, not chicken. Chechen. I messed that right up, didn’t I? You gotta get the beginning bit right. That’s why I came on to Franz Ferdinand. ‘Cause I wanted a big impact when I came on. -They’re great Franz Ferdinand, aren’t they? AUDIENCE: Yeah. Named after the Archduke Franz Ferdinand who was assassinated in 1914, which led to the First World War and the death of 15 million people, which in itself led to the Second World War and the rise of Hitler and fascism and the death of a further 55 million people, including six million innocent Jews. Yeah, let’s hear you. # I say don’t you know # You say you don’t know # I say # Take me out # Tough crowd. I could come on like Robbie Williams as well, right? I wish someone would tell Robbie Williams that this doesn’t constitute entertainment. Look at me, smug as fuck. Come on, Glastonbury, you know this one. Yeah, we know it, Robbie. It was 150 quid to get in. Any chance you could sing it for us? Imagine if I came on like that. I’ll tell you something, a funny thing happened to me on the way here tonight. I think you know this one. Lee Mack, smug as fuck. I could also start like the gymnast starts, try and get your attention by doing this, couldn’t I? I love the way they do that. As if something amazing is about to happen. In case there’s any doubt, they throw one of these in. That’s just to let the world know that this could be amazing. Be great if they messed that up now and again. ”Here’s the favourite from Bulgaria. If she gets a perfect 10, she wins the gold. ”Let’s see if she can do it.” ”Shit! ”Three years concentrating on me triple-axle, I forgot about the tippy-toes.” I love gymnastics. It’s the one event, when it’s on every four years, that the whole of the British public just watches it and doesn’t understand anything that’s happening. Every four years, everyone just goes… [IMITATING SOUND OF GYMNAST’S ROUTINE] Was that any good? It dawned on me recently there’s only two things you need to know about any gymnastics event. That’s good. That’s shit. That’s all you got to know, isn’t it? Forget all that tumbling-around business. Brilliant. Get off, you’re rubbish. I like the people that mess it up and then try and incorporate it. ”I meant to do that. That bit. ”Yeah. Hell, yeah. ”I’ve been practising that for four years, that little thing… ”2.4, you Polish twat! I meant to do that.” I could also come on like the New Zealand rugby team. I love the fact they do this to try and scare the opposition. ”Oh, that’s terrifying, don’t. We’re shooting ourselves.” I always think, give them a little hat, a little cane, go on. # Pardon me, sir Is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo? # I went to college with loads of rugby people and I’m telling you, at my college they wouldn’t have found that scary. The only thing they found scary at my college was gay people. They’re very homophobic, the rugby community. I think it would be far better suited if New Zealand just came out and went, ”One, two, three, four. Kick, two, three, four. ”One, two, three. Kick, two, three, four. ”Hands, hands and walk, two, three, four. ”Two, three, four… Nice shoes.” # I am what I am I am my own… # ”Catch, Tony.” All the English players are going, ”Fuck this! We’re going home! Come on! ”That’s it! Drag your knuckles.” Hello, sir, in the front row there, you all right? I’m all right. Nice glasses. Thank you. Yeah, you’re welcome. What’s your name? Nev. Nev? Yeah. You remind me of my driving instructor. Lend me those glasses for a second. What do you do, Nev? I’m a lawyer. You’re a lawyer? Oh, hello. How old are you? Twenty-nine. Twenty-nine? What kind of law is it? Fucking hell! You sure you’re not a welder? [IMITATING WELDING TORCH] I just turn into Eric Morecambe when I’ve got these sort of glasses on, sorry. ”Hey, how long… ”have you…” MAN: You’ve no idea how funny that is. That’s the weirdest heckle anyone’s ever given me. A bloke at the front just went, ”You’ve no idea how funny that is.” I think you’ll find I know exactly how funny it is. That’s why I’m stood up here in the West End, you daft twat. I’m not up here going, ”Why are you all laughing? These are true stories! Stop laughing! Stop it! ”You’re laughing at me! These are facts! My life!” I’ll tell you how funny they are. In a minute when I say, ”Knock, knock,” just say, ”Who’s there?” Don’t go, ”That’ll be someone at the door. Oh, it’s real! It’s real! ”You don’t know how funny this is!” Do you do that when you’re watching drama? Stand up and go, ”You don’t know how sad this is! You’re making me cry!” ”You are…” My driving instructor wore glasses like this. You’re not a driving instructor, you’re a lawyer. We’ve just been through that. He was driving down the road and he said, ”What I’m gonna do, ”I’m gonna slap my hand on the dashboard and I want you to make an emergency stop ”as though a small child has stepped out in front of the car.” Before he could put his belt on, I whizzed me brakes on like that, and he hit his head full on on the window like this. [SPEAKING IN SLOW MOTION] You’ve no idea how funny that is. This bit particularly. He didn’t do all this bit, I’m just showing off now. He said, ”Why didn’t you wait till I slapped me hand on the dashboard?” I said, ”There is a child’s life at stake here. I haven’t got time to fuck about with games.” Sorry, Nev, you didn’t see any of that, did you? Sorry, mate. He was sat there going, ”What’s he doing? What’s that noise? ”Has he got a kind face? ”Is Betty still sat?” I’d like to see you doing your court of law thing. ”Yes, and I’ll tell you why he’s innocent.” ”Cashier number 5, please.” ”Sorry. Sorry.” I’ll tell you a bit about myself. I’m in a relationship at the moment. Sorry, girls. It’s gonna have to be your place. She’s a lovely girl, my wife. She’s… She works in a laboratory testing cosmetics on animals. Nice girl. She hates my job ’cause I’m always trying me jokes out on her. Fair enough. She’s always rubbing shampoo in me eyes. She hates it when I do this job, it gets very obsessive, this job. I’m always thinking about comedy. I went home the other day for a break from the tour, it was about a three-week break, actually. It’s not going great. I realised how obsessed I was becoming ’cause I was in Habitat and she was looking at this cupboard going, ”Can we afford that cupboard? ”Will it fit in the house? Is it the right shape?” I realised after 15 minutes, I hadn’t listened to a word she’d said. I’d spent the whole 15 minutes just thinking, ”Wouldn’t it be funny if I got in that cupboard?” It’d be great, wouldn’t it, when people are looking round. ”Hello. ”I think Narnia’s closed.” It’s going very well at the moment, though. She’s carrying our first child. He’s eight, the lazy little fucker. It’s going very well. In fact, we’ve had the baby. I just don’t want to drop the joke. I’d rather drop the baby. But, no, it’s going very well. I’m glad we had the baby. We had lots of rows about the whole baby thing. I wanted to have the baby for about five years, but she wants to keep it for ever, you know. This is a true story. I got told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn’t have children. Yeah. Three weeks after he told me that, my girlfriend was pregnant. Who’s the daddy? Anyway, forget that bit. Um… Why have you turned up with cut-out… There’s somebody there with cut-outs of animals. -Why have you done that? It’s a giraffe! I’m not interested in the type of animals. I’m interested in the lunacy of bringing a cut-out animal. I’m not sitting here going, ”Yeah, animals is fine, but what are they?” ”Is it a rhinoceros? I hope it is. That would be appropriate for a comedy gig.” What’s your name with the lion, sir? Dan. Dan and… Daniel and the lion. And what’s your name with the crocodile? Robert. That doesn’t work, that one, does it? And the penguin, what’s your name? Ben. Be great if you had a stutter. B-B-B-B-B-Ben. Some older people getting that joke. The rest of you looking at me going, ”Wouldn’t be great, it’d be an affliction, and that’s wrong.” Wouldn’t it be great if he was in wheelchair? ”No, it wouldn’t. That wouldn’t be funny at all, Lee, no.” How would he get up there? I know that’s what you’re thinking, that’s what I’m thinking. How did you get up there, you liar? There’s nothing wrong with you. Sitting in your wheelchair… Oh, you make me sick, people like you. It’s great being here. I knew it was gonna be good. I got recognised today. In Dixons. I did. A member of staff came up to me and went, ”Hey, you’re that mad bloke off the telly.” I went, ”That’s me.” Then he went, ”No, you’re that mad bloke. Off the telly.” You’ve no idea how funny that is. I knew this was gonna be a good gig ’cause I came in… I have been on telly, by the way. I’ve proper been on telly. I was on Blind Date 14 years ago. That was my first TV experience. I don’t know if you remember me, but I was the one that went on and decided to ask me own questions, right. I was supposed to go on and say something rubbish like, ”Contestant number one, if you could be any type of fruit, ”what type of fruit would you be?” And I thought, ”That’s rubbish.” So I went on and said, ”Contestant number one, do you agree, in principle, to federalism ”encompassing a single European currency?” And this woman said, ”Yes, if I was an apple, ”you could pick me out of the tree any time you like. ”This doesn’t make sense now, Cilla.” I said, ”That’s great, love. ”Now, contestant number two, ”Cubism is a corruption of the Impressionist ideology. Discuss.” She said, ”Yes, if I could have any job in the world, I’d be a forklift truck driver. ”Then I’d come straight round to your house and show you my tits.” Or something like that. I can’t remember exactly what she said. That was the gist, right? Now, at this point, obviously, I’d lost faith with women. But it didn’t matter ’cause then I heard number three. She was perfect. She said, ”Yes, ”Cubism is a corruption of the Impressionist ideology ”but it’s also based on early 20th century German Dadaism and Neorealism.” And I went, ”I’ll take number two.” So this is good, innit? The Bloomsbury Theatre. I knew this was gonna be nice when I walked in ’cause I went to the toilets, right? Do you ever check the toilets out first? Make sure it’s gonna be all right? What they haven’t got here, which I like, is they haven’t got the bloke in the corner with the dish of money. Hate that. You know, in the toilet? Beggars, that’s the word I’m looking for. I hate the fact that I always think I won’t give him any money but they always get me in the end. That’s what annoys me. I think, ”Don’t give him eye contact, you’ll be fine.” I walk out the cubicle and they go, ”Aftershave?” ”I don’t think so.” ”Towel?” ”Mmm-mmm, no, no, no.” ”Soap?” ”I really can manage.” ”Chupa chup?” ”Chupa chup? Well, why didn’t you say?” ”And only a pound.” ”Eh?” Food in the toilet. What could possibly go wrong? ”Any sausages?” You haven’t got bouncers here with the walkie-talkies, which I like. I love the world ”walkie-talkies”. It’s fantastic, innit? I’d love to have been at the meeting when they came up with that word. It’s me new favourite word. ”Well, we got this wireless communication system. All we need now is a name. Any ideas?” ”I know!” ”Oh, it’s Derek. Hello, Derek.” ”Well, think about it, right? You can walk with it and you can talk with it.” ”Yes, you can, can’t you?” ”Yes, walkie-talkie.” ”We’ll deal with this.” ”Outie-shoutie.” ”No, honestly, it’s not gonna work.” ”Reachy-speechy, satty-chatty.” ”Shut up, and eat your chicken leg.” ”There’s a good lad. Or, as you call them, eatie-feeties.” I’m obsessed with words at the moment. It’s like in Scrabble. I found out recently, do you know what the most amount of points you can get in your very first go at Scrabble is? Does anyone know? Hmm? 143 points. ”Pause, let us answer, Lee!” 143 points. Now, do you know what the word is? It is ”squeezy”. You get more points for ”squeezy” on your first go than any other word. I know this ’cause my mate got it, first go. I was devastated. But I had the last laugh. In the next three goes I had the letters that made up the words ”easy”, ”peasy” and ”lemon”. I know what you’re thinking. ”Lee, that’s impossible ”to get all those letters in a straight line at a game of Scrabble.” Yeah? Well, I’ll tell you what I told him. ”It’s my fucking house. I’ll do what I like.” What do you mean in Cluedo you can’t have Barbara Windsor in the airing cupboard with a Stanley knife? If you don’t like it, get out of the house. Nice audience. Ah, you with your hat on there, sir. Hello. Feel free to take it off at any point you like, that’s fine. We’ve actually got something special here for people like you. It’s called a roof. Where you going? Where you going? What you doing? What you doing? Where you going? Where you going? What you doing? What you doing? Eh? There’s a poster out there that says no filming in the auditorium. She’s really stretching that rule, isn’t she? She’s not filming it, fucking mental. Lend me your cap for a second, sir. That’s fantastic. What’s your name, mate? Simon. Pick it up. Simon. What do you do, Simon? Photographer. Photographer? Fantastic. Who do you photograph? Are you, like, fashion or are you… No, people. People? What kind of fashion photographers are you looking at? That’s generally people, innit? Unless you’re into really sordid stuff. [GROWLING] Sorry about doing that with your hat to prove a point. Sorry about that. A bit horrible, innit? See, you look good in this. You’ve got that sort of… Look at it. I mean, it’s got that sort of… slightly chequered sort of… You’re London, aren’t you? So it works. It’s ironic but it’s cool. Me, I’d just look like a fucking chimney sweep, wouldn’t I? Be honest, I look like one of those kids that’s gonna get a free trip to Disneyland any day now, don’t I? Hello, my name is Lee Mack. Every day’s a bonus. Hey, I can still move it with the kids, though. Touch me, go on, touch me. Touch me! Touch me, you crack whore! Touch me. It says on her T-shirt ”crack whore”, just so you know that’s why I said that. Are you a crack whore? Why have you got it on your T-shirt, then? What’s it say? ”C” is for crack whore? So it’s not really a thing? It’s just to remind you about spelling, is it? Is that how you do your alphabet? ”C” is for crack whore. I must remember this. It’s like a dirty version of Sesame Street. It’s fucking fantastic. Today has been brought to you by the letter ”C” for crack whore. And ”B” for big bollocks. [IMITATING ERNIE FROM SESAME STREET] ”Hey, Bert, that’s rude.” I’m sorry, I forgot. I’ve had that on for a while, haven’t I? Pick it up. It’s not my responsibility, mate. Not my responsibility. Crack whore. Are you… Why would you wear a T-shirt saying ”crack whore”? I mean, you don’t look like the type of person who takes crack. Well, you’ve got to be very careful what you say on stage nowadays. Look what happened to Bernard Manning. Read about that? He did all this anti-Muslim material. Someone emailed him, threatened to put a fatwa on him. Huh? To be fair, I think they were typing ”fat wanker” and pressed enter a bit early. You gotta be careful, though. You gotta be very politically correct nowadays. And I mean proper politically correct, right? Not like Stevie Wonder. Hypocrite. ”Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony.” Oh, that’s great, Stevie. What about the Chinese? Don’t they get a look in? At least meet me halfway. Play Chopsticks halfway through. I mean, come on. You gotta be very careful what you say, you really have. I don’t like it when people are over-politically correct. You know like on Big Brother? Is it my imagination or is that getting camper and camper with every series? In fact, if you listen carefully, it’s getting so camp that with every series, you know the Geordie bloke that does the announcing? He’s getting more Geordie every series just to balance the whole thing up, isn’t he? It’s like… [IN GEORDIE ACCENT] ”Day 29, 6:14 am ”and Kemal is walking around the kitchen in little hotpants and a bra. ”Makes me fucking sick. ”Walking around like that, you want to get a proper job like a pit pony or a ferret tickler. ”Eh? Walking around saying, ‘Put this in your mouth.’ ”No, I will not, you devious little cupcake. Eh? ”’Who goes? You decide.’ But I know who I’d pick. ”That little deviant faggot ’cause that’s not natural, that. ”Grow a moustache and a perm and act like a proper bloke.” You see… You see, I don’t care what your sexuality is, right. Unless you’re into auto-asphyxiation erotica. Ew! They want stringing up, don’t they? I’ve got loads of gay friends and there’s two things they say they hate. The two biggest stereotypes when you’re gay. One, ”Ooh, they’re very good at interior design.” And two, ”Oh, aren’t they well-dressed?” How patronising is that, right? My mates that are gay, none of them are good at interior design. They’ll be the first to admit, the inside of their houses are a downright mess. And as for well-dressed, they’re some of the scruffiest people I know. So can we stop these ridiculous 1970s bigoted stereotypes? And just all say, as one, gay people are disgusting. Everything is getting camp, isn’t it? Even the police sirens are getting camp. You remember the good old days when they used to go… ”Nee-nee, nee-nee, nee-nee.” Nowadays, it’s ”Mmmmm! ”Listen to her. ”Ooh, robbing a bank and look at his nails.” What’s your name? Just scratching your eye, ”I’m not fucking looking at you.” Richard’s my name. Richard My Name? Hello, Richard My Name. -What do you do, Richard? Painting and decorating. Painting and decorating. Yeah. Fucking nice of you to turn up. [IN COCKNEY ACCENT] ”Yeah, no more than half a day, that.” Painter and decorator, that’s fantastic. Whereabouts do you do that? All over really. All over? You’re not trying to sell to me. ”All over. Where do you want me to go? I can go where you like, I can go here. ”You know what I mean? All over. ”Mainly bathrooms but I don’t mind going in the living room. ”I’ll go in the kitchen as well. I’ll travel, I really will. I don’t mind. ”Upstairs but, obviously, I’d need a Stannah stairlift. ”Don’t do the walking. The legs are a bit fucking suspect.” Did you ever meet anyone that was so Cockney it looks like it hurts? ”All right, mate, what you do for a…” ”Me? I’m a painter and decorator, mate, you know what I mean? ”I’m a fucking painter and a decorator, I fucking tell you. ”I am so fucking Cockney it’s fucking painful, innit? ”Fuck me, my elbows, my fingers, my legs, I’m fucked. ”I’m fucking riddled with it, I’m Cockneyed up. I fucking hate it! ”Got arthritis, mate. I fucking can’t even click me fucking heels. ”I am fucked. I am a fucking Cockney. ”I wish I was Northern. It seems so easy. ”Fuck me.” I haven’t always done this job. I used to be a freelance journalist. Yeah, I was crap. Lance is still in prison. Christ, some of you needed a bit of a delay on that one, didn’t you? That’s the kind of joke that some of you will wake up at 4:00 in the morning and go, ”Oh, yeah.” While some of you will just go, ”No, still don’t get it.” Half of you laughed at that. The other half just went, ”What time’s the meat raffle?” That’s fine, all right. I’ve had lots of jobs, me. I used to be a doctor as well. I got sacked ’cause I used to have my own little unique way of telling people the news. I remember one Thursday afternoon, this bloke came in. He said, ”Has my wife had the baby?” I said, ”Yes.” He said, ”What’s the news?” I said, ”Monday’s child is fair of face. Tuesday’s child is full of grace. ”Wednesday’s child is full of woe. ”Thursday’s child, club foot.” You’ve got to have a laugh if you’ve got a job. Is it a good laugh being a painter and decorator? Good bits and bad bits. Yeah? Does it have its medium bits? Is it all very extreme? Is it all, ”I fucking love skirting boards. ”I love ’em, I love ’em. Oh, not walls, fucking hate walls. ”Fucking hate walls. It’s all or nothing, I fucking hate it. ”It’s joy or it’s shit.” You gotta have a laugh in any job you do, haven’t you? If I was the last hangman in Britain, I reckon it’d still have been a laugh. If I’d been the last hangman in Britain, there’d be nothing set up in the courtyard. Just me. Bloke would come in, I’d say, ”It’s a very sad day, innit? ”What we got to do to you. Very sad day. ”In fact, there’s only one word to describe how I feel. ”Do you know what that word is? Hmm? ”You don’t? Well, do you wanna have a guess? ”You shout out a letter, all right, ”and I’ll tell you if it’s in the word. ”P?” ”No, it’s not got a P in it. ”Build the scaffolding. Have another go.” Are you a painter and decorator, the missus? No. Oh, his phone’s going off. His phone’s going off? Probably a job, you better get it. Or a complaint. See, you’re very attractive. You’re like me, actually. You’re a horse face. You know, you’re… No, it’s not rude. Hang on. No, I don’t mean a face like a horse. No. What I mean is, there’s two types of women’s faces, right? You’ve got like the long face, which is the horse face, right, and then you’ve got the round face, which is the plate face. And there’s only ever two types of women’s faces. If you need me, I’ll be over here digging a hole. Basically, what I’m trying to say is… You’re fantastic looking, right, the one who’s not even bothering looking at me. Yes, you, madam. You’re a horse face, right? You’re a plate ’cause it’s round, but it’s still an attractive face. Attractive horse. You can’t win. Look at your faces. If you say ”horse”, women think you mean ugly. If you say ”plate”, they think you mean fat, right? I’ve honestly got a good mind to stop even trying to entertain people on trains. It doesn’t mean that, right? It’s not rude. Name a famous actress that’s supposed to be beautiful, right? Some beautiful actress or a supermodel, anyone you like. And I’ll prove that anyone can be categorised as a horse or a plate. Not just the women in the front row tonight. Anyone you like? Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman. That’s a tough one. She’s gorgeous. Nicole Kidman. Oh, no. Actually, do you know what? It’s not everyone, is it? Now that I’ve heard you explain it properly, I realise what an absolute bunch of mingers we’ve got in tonight. You’ve explained it so clearly. She’s got a point. So, all right, let’s play a different game. What about the pet game? Have you got any pets? I read a book recently, The Psychology of Pets. The kind of pet you’ve got determines the type of person you are. I don’t know if you knew that. You tell me the pet, I’ll tell you the person. A cat. Cat. Do you know what that means? A very loving person, very honest and very open. And as a result you’re very popular with the opposite sex. You’re very good in bed. I’ve got a cat. So what’s your cat called? She-Ra? She-Ra? How old is She-Ra? Six. Six, with a big question mark at the end. ”Six? Two? I dunno, I’m not bothered any more. ”I can’t find it. He painted the room black and white once, ”never fucking seen him since.” Cats are great. You ever watched a cat clean itself? They’re fantastic. They’re so in control. ”I’m a cat, I’m in control. ”I can clean any part of my body I like. Test me. ”The ears, the head, the tail, the legs. You test me, I’ll clean it. ”’Cause I’m a cat, and I’m in control.” And then it all goes tits-up when they clean that bit just under the neck. ”I can’t do this bit!” I like getting cat food and just tickling him under the chin. At what point in cat evolution will they work out that if they can do this, all right, that they can probably do this? ”Fucking hell! ”Three million years, look. It’s just that.” I love speaking to people in the front row. You never quite know what’s gonna happen. The worst hecklers, by the way, are not the hecklers, they’re the whisperers. If you hear people whispering on the front row, it gets to me. I’m so paranoid. I’m so paranoid, you know the man on the news that says, ”If you don’t wanna know the results, look away now.” I’m always convinced he’s going, ”You fucking wankers. ”Here’s the weather.” I said to some bloke… It was brilliant, the other day. I said to him, ”What do you do for a living?” He went, ”Shit!” I said, ”What, you shit for a living?” He went, ”No, you, you’re shit!” I said, ”Do you think you’re hard?” And he went, ”Yeah, I do.” I said, ”How hard do you think you are?” He said, ”I’m a black belt in judo.” And I said, ”You might think that’s the best form of defence. ”How often do you get attacked by a man in a dressing gown?” And he said, ”I work in a mental hospital.” You couldn’t write stuff like that, could you? Eh? Of course you could. I did. You always get asked this in this job, ”Did you always want to do stand-up?” I’ll be honest, I got involved in stand-up ’cause I thought, ”Stand-up comedy, sex, drugs, rock and roll.” If I’m gonna be honest, it’s ended up being wanking, cough mixture and Billy Ray Cyrus. Everyone wants to know how you got started. I got started at school. I was always the one that would argue with the teachers. I was always cheeky. I remember once this teacher said to us, ”There’s an easy way to remember how to spell possesses, a little rhyme. ”Possesses, possesses, five S’s.” ”Possesses, possesses, five S’s.” She was so pleased with herself. I stood up and went, ”Yeah, that’s a lovely little rhyme, miss, ”but there’s one word in the rhyme that doesn’t rhyme. And that’s ‘five’. ”It could be anything, couldn’t it? Possesses, possesses, four S’s. ”Possesses, possesses, three S’s.” She went, ”Yeah, that’s a good point, Lee. ”But the trick with the rhyme is to remember that it’s five.” I said, ”If I could remember that bit, miss, I wouldn’t need the fucking rhyme, would I?” The PE teachers are the worst. They’re hypocrites, aren’t they, the PE teachers. You’d be doing your best in cross country running, wouldn’t you? Going… Then suddenly the PE teacher would jump out from the bushes and go, ”Hey! Don’t walk! Run!” Yet the same bloke, two hours later, when you were going for your dinner, running down the corridor, he’d jump out and go, ”Oi! Don’t run! Walk!” And yet the same bloke, two hours later. You’d be in detention, wouldn’t you? And he’d go, ”Oi! Don’t just sit there! ”Come here now and pull down your little blue panties.” Forget this joke. It’s none of your business. The point I’m trying to make is… They used to hit us as well. Did you ever get hit from the teachers at school? Whack us like that, really hard. Table tennis bats, that’s what they used to love doing. I remember once, right, he hit us so hard. It used to be agony. But then about three weeks later, we got this supply teacher in and he was brilliant. He was Chinese, right. So, what he used to do, instead of hitting us really hard, he used to just come in at funny angles like that. We thought it was brilliant. This doesn’t hurt. It’s just… What we didn’t realise was he was putting lots of spin on, right? So we thought it didn’t hurt, but when we sat down… Whizzed off our seats, banged our fucking heads. He was a genius. You do get asked the same questions in this job. Two blokes came backstage, asked me the classic question the other day. ”Do you do refunds?” ”No.” They said, ”Listen, Lee, you’re a comedian, right. ”In fact, you’re a great comedian. In fact, you’re a genius. ”The way you tell jokes that make us think differently about the world. ”It makes us want to be better people, too. ”We don’t know how you do it and you’re not a bad looking fellow, either.” ”Tell us this,” they said. ”Who inspires you?” Do you know what I said to these two blokes? I said, ”Nelson Mandela.” I said, ”Stephen Hawking.” ”The pair of you, get out of my dressing room. Stop asking me stupid questions.” ”We’re only trying to make polite conversation.” ”Yes, you fucking rude twat.” I’m not very good at the Stephen Hawking thing. I can do the voice but I can’t get rid of the accent. Do you wanna know about life, the universe and everything? Do you? Tough shit. Me day off. Fuck off. But, you know, this is the truth, right. This is the truth. Do you know who really inspires me? Do you know who really inspires me? I’ll tell you. My dad. AUDIENCE: Aw. I know what you’re thinking. ”Come on, Lee, you don’t know who your dad is.” But I do. My dad’s the most… He’s the funniest man in the world, my dad. Kind of bloke that could read out a telephone directory and it’d be funny. I mean, to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out. But it wasn’t quite as funny when he started phoning people, let me tell you. He’s great my dad. Very old-fashioned man. He was so old-fashioned that when my sister had her menstrual cycle, he made her go and live in the shed, claiming she was the evil seed of Satan. ”That’s a bit old-fashioned, Dad.” Very sad. Actually my sister died very young. She drowned. But, you know, like my dad said, ”Look on the bright side. ”If she’d have floated, we would have had to set fire to her anyway.” So… I actually left home when I was 34. It’s me mum, she was ill. Yeah, you’re not laughing now, are you? It’s very sad actually. My mum actually got to the point where she couldn’t look after herself. She couldn’t cook. She couldn’t wash. She couldn’t clean. It was at that point, I thought, ”Well, there’s nothing in it for me.” Fucked right off. She’s great my mum. She used to always support me… This is a true story. I got picked on at school ’cause I had frostbite and I lost most of me toes. But my mum was always still there for me. At night she’d still sing those little songs. ”This little piggy went to market. ”Good night, love.” I used to get teased a lot by me brother, said I was adopted. Did you ever get that at school? ”You’re adopted!” My brother used to say it all the time in the playground. I used to cry. Honestly, I was so upset. I cried so hard once, me dad come up to me… He was brilliant, my dad. He put his arm round me like that, and do you know what he said? [IN CHINESE ACCENT] ”You don’t listen to him! He bad boy! He lie! You my son! ”He very bad lie-boy. ”You go loom, no lies! Very bad lie-boy. You my son.” I’m obsessed with the Chinese accent. See, Chinese, it’s the most difficult language in the world to learn. In fact, I think it is so difficult to learn Chinese, I don’t even think Chinese understand it. ‘Cause if you go to China, they repeat it in English at the train stations after they’ve announced it in Chinese. That’s not for our benefit. I don’t even think it’s for their benefit. I think the bloke announcing it has just given up halfway. I think he’s just going… [SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE] ”Next train leave in 10 minutes. I can’t fucking do this. It too difficult. ”Why can’t we use the alphabet? ”All these squiggly line. It very hard. Don’t like it. Bye, Mr Wangtong.” Hello, madam, with the thing going on. You there, with the… Not you, mate. I’m not looking at you, am I? Fuck me. Most people don’t mention the lazy eye. You all right? Yes, you at the back, in the top. I’m looking at you now! You! Ooh, that hurt, that. You with the thing on. And the going on thing with the glasses. Hello. Hello. How are you doing? Very well. Are you in a relationship? No. Me neither. I was lying before. Hello. The wise man said, ”If you love somebody, you’ve got to let them go.” Actually, they didn’t say that, they said, ”If you love her, let her go! ”Then come out with your hands on your head!” And what’s your name, madam? Gemma. Gemma. Can I call you Gem? ‘Cause I’m Lee, so you don’t… It’s great being Lee. You don’t any get nicknames in the playground, which was good. Apart from ”Lee-Lee, stinks of wee”. That never bothered me. And if I’m gonna be honest, my middle name’s Gordon. So, I used to get… # Gordon is a moron # So I’d get, # Lee, Lee, sticks of wee and he is a moron # Mack # But they’re not laughing now, are they? They were over 35 quid, these shoes. And if I’m gonna be honest, my surname’s not really Mack, it’s MacKillop. So I used to get, # Lee MacKillop, silly little pillock He’s a little moron, stinks of wee wee # 36 years old, get out of our playground you dirty old pervert # Just a little thing that they used to sing. I never really got it. See, names are very important, aren’t they? That’s why we won the Rugby World Cup. ‘Cause of one name, Jonny Wilkinson. What a great name that is, isn’t it? Jonny… Got rugby fans in? I’m not a big rugby fan but doesn’t it move your spirit when they all start singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot? Nothing moves my spirit more than hearing 35,000 white middle-class people singing a black slave song. Gets you right… Don’t be embarrassed, mate. The black slaves were just as bad. They used to sing Dire Straits numbers, so it’s swings and roundabouts. But, Jonny, how much of a proper rugby name is that? Jonny Wilkinson. What a macho rugby name that is. Named after the two most macho products you can get on the British market. The rubber condom and the triple-headed razor. What was the Australian flyhalf called? Elton Flatley. That’s not quite as hard, is it, when you’re named after the two campest men in showbiz. Jonny Wilkinson’s got all these moves going on and their bloke’s just going… # Rocket man # Daniel, my brother # That’s my vague attempt at Riverdance in case you’re wondering what that is, by the way. It’s very easy to do Riverdance. You just gotta stand there going, [IN IRISH ACCENT] ”Can you smell dog shit? Seamus, can you smell dog shit? ”Who stood in dog shit? Is it you? Is it me? Is it me? It’s fucking me. ”I stood in dog shit again. I hate that shit. ”I hate that.” Don’t make the mistake I made. If you ever go and see Riverdance, never buy the cheap tickets. I went to see Riverdance, 10 quid to get in. I remember thinking that’s very cheap, big West End show. The reason why is you end up sitting at the back of the room, and the seats at the back are lower down than the ones in the front. I’m trying to watch the show, I’ve got all these big heads in front of me and I could only see the dancers from the waist up. Now, I’m a big fan of Irish dancing, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not exactly known for that upper body enthusiasm, is it? I spent two hours watching Michael Flatley going like this. These are sound effects, by the way, that’s not his cock. I managed to see that. I thought that was it. I thought that’s how you impress Irish people. You can imagine my embarrassment on the dance floor a few weeks later in Dublin. I met this girl. I was chatting her up in my usual classy, Northern way. ”All right, love. Are you an electrician?” She went, ”Why?” I said, ”When you came in the room tonight, you gave off a certain spark ”that sent a current racing through my body.” And she said, ”Are you a fishmonger?” I said, ”Why?” And she said, ”’Cause you fucking stink.” But it didn’t put me off, I said, ”Come on, let’s dance. This will impress you.” Have we got any Irish people in, by the way? Yeah! Whereabouts in Ireland? Here’s one for you. How many Protestants does it take to change a light bulb? One. They’re brilliant. But how many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? One. They’re brilliant, too. Hello. Please don’t hurt me. Good night. Whereabouts in Ireland are you from? Cork. You’re from Cone? Cork. Cold? Cork. Court? Cork. Cork. Oh, right! Fuck me, you really are Cockney, aren’t you? Cork! [IN COCKNEY ACCENT] Oh, fucking started again. Fuck! Cork. Cork. Oh, fuck. I’ve gone… I’ve fucking gone Cork. Cork. Fuck. Help me. I’m melting, Dorothy, I’m melting. Cork. Cork! Cork, you silly Cockney cock. Cork. I’m gonna have to work on me catchphrases, aren’t I? Wouldn’t it be great if Bruce Forsyth chatted to people like this? ”Where you from? Where you from? ”Cork, you silly Cockney cock. My God. ”I’ll tell you, you can’t fucking do anything. Cunts! ”Fuck me. I don’t know. Haven’t got all fucking day.” Ireland. Ireland’s brilliant. Ireland’s the best place in the world to do gigs. I’m used to living in London, you know what that’s like. ”Hello, have you got the right time?” ”Fuck off! I ain’t got time for anything. Especially you, you cunt. You fucking cunt.” I don’t know why I keep doing that. I’ve been watching lots of Tommy Steele films recently. I love Tommy Steele films. They just sing about anything for no apparent reason. ”Oh, look, Tommy’s dropped his pencil on the floor.” ”He’s done what?” ”He’s dropped his pencil on the floor.” ”He’s done what?” # He’s dropped his bloomin’ pencil on the floor # Oh, Tommy’s dropped his pencil on the… # When I first went to London, I thought that’s all Cockneys did. I just got off the train thinking, ”Wow, this is London.” People were coming up to me going, ”Have you got the time?” I was going, # Have I got the time? Have I got the time? # I’ll tell you the fucking time It’s after three # ”Fuck off, you Northern cunt.” # Oh, he called me a cunt # He don’t mean no harm He’s just having a laugh # [GROANING] # Oh, I’m bleeding to death Phone the ambulance # Got into a fight with him, ended up in court. [ENUNCIATING] Sorry, ”court”. It’s different in Ireland. It’s, ”Have you got the right time?” [IN IRISH ACCENT] ”Oh, yes, I do. ”And I’ve also got a lovely roast chicken in the oven at home. ”Would you come back, meet the wife, ”you can sleep with her if you like, we’re all fucking friendly.” I say it’s friendly. I actually got mugged in Limerick. That’s the place, by the way, not the style. I don’t mean someone came up to me and went, ”Hello, my name is Pete I’m standing in the street ”Don’t be rash, give me your cash Or I’ll boot you in the teeth” ”Hello there, Officer Is that the police? ”Hello, my name is Lee A man is mugging me ”Bring your stick and hit him quick Come on, he’s getting free” I don’t do a lot of travelling. I’ll be honest, I’m a bit of an Anglophile. That’s not the same as a paedophile, by the way. I only touch up fishermen’s kids. That’s a very odd reaction. Half of you outraged by the concept of paedophilia, the other half going, ”Please, no puns.” Tell you who annoy me at the moment, the French. Do you remember what they said about our Olympic bid? ”Oh, you can’t have the Olympics in England.” ”Why is that?” ”Because your food’s crap.” ”Oh, is that right, Mr Froggy Cousteau? ”I don’t care what you think about…” If there’s any French people in the audience tonight, laugh all you like about our crappy food. You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14-year-old boy thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going, ”Oh, hello. ”There’s little sausages in there.” You can’t win with the French. I went to a French restaurant recently, I thought, ”I’ll make the effort, I’ll order in French.” When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Me dad taught me that just before he was jailed in Italy for killing 20,000 Christians. This waiter came in and I was trying to order the egg custard. And I said, ”Have you got, le creme d’oeuf?” And this waiter went, ”It’s not le creme d’oeuf. ”It’s la creme d’oeuf. ”It’s feminine.” I said, ”It’s not feminine, is it? ”It’s an egg custard. ”What do I need to know the sex of an egg custard for? ”I want to eat it. ”Not fuck it. ”Excuse the French.” I shouldn’t swear in my act. My nan used to say, ”Don’t swear in your act. Don’t even say God. Say gosh. ”Only say God if you want to talk to him. ”Otherwise you’ll distract him from helping the poor.” I used to say, ”It’s a good point, Nan. ”But put some clothes on and get out of the fucking wheelbarrow.” I remember the last thing she said to me just before she died. She said, ”What are you doing in here with that hammer?” No. Do you know what she said? She was mental. I had to do it. She used to say things like, ”Here’s £?5, don’t tell your mother.” I’d say, ”Why not?” And she’d say, ”It’s hers.” She was great. She used to say things like, ”Red sky at night, Angel Delight. ”Red sky in the morning, Angel Delight.” She was obsessed with Angel Delight. ”Stop it, Nan, we can’t afford the milk.” ”Fuck you, I’ll snort it.” All right? She was great, my nan. She had a great way with words. It was very sad once. My grandad went into this home. Very sad, wasn’t his home. ”Go on, Grandad, get us a telly.” No, it was very sad. He went into this home, right. And we rang up. Very, very sad. I said, ”How is he getting on in the home?” She went, ”Oh, he’s like a fish out of water.” I said, ”Is he finding it hard to adjust?” She said, ”No, he’s dead.” She was mental. I once found the worst possible thing to find under a grandmother’s bed. Do you know what I found? Wacky backy. Yeah. It wasn’t the drug, the Sri Lankan wicketkeeper. My favourite one of all was, ”Find a penny, pick it up. ”And all day long, ”Angel Delight!” But do you know what? That’s not how I remember the old wizened whore. I remember I went to see her as a little boy. I said, ”Don’t dress as a little boy, Nan. It’s not you.” I went to see her as a little… ”I love the Krankies.” ”I don’t care. It’s actually humiliating.” I went to see her as a little boy. She was great. She always used to give me advice. I remember once she taught me that there was a very fine line between the Heimlich manoeuvre and sodomy. To be fair, it wasn’t just her. The magistrate told me that as well. What was it he said again? ”You can only use it on strangers in the public ”if they are choking on a solid object or a piece of food.” And not, apparently, if they’re just stood alone at a bus stop, looking coy but strangely available, eh? Come on! But I did ask for some advice once. I remember saying to her, ”Nan, it’s a crazy world. ”What is love?” My nan told me something I’ll never forget. She said, ”You know, I’ve always thought of it as something very natural and very organic. ”Oh, yes! On the outside, it’s tough. ”And it’s ugly and it’s hard. ”But let it grow naturally and look inside. ”And you’ll see it’s soft ”and it’s gentle.” And I said, ”That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. ”Do you really believe that’s what love is?” And she said, ”Love? ”I’m sorry. I thought you said a melon.” Did you ever do that thing when you were a kid where you try and swear in front of your nan to try and impress your mates? How many swear words can you get in without Nan noticing? Be like, ”Anyone for coffee? Anyone fuck off-ee? ”Is it half a cup? Ha-fuck up, is it? ”What time is it?” ”Tampax two.” ”Tampax two?” ”Durex expect me to believe that?” ”It’s jolly well possible.” ”Anyone fuck off-ee, Nan?” The last time we tried it we were in a Chinese restaurant. ”Oh, Nan, there’s no fork and knife. What we gonna do? ”Nan, there’s no fork and knife. Nan, there’s no fork and knife. ”What we gonna do?” She went, ”I don’t know. ”Try and use the fork and chopsticks, you patronising pair of little cunts.” That was her attitude. If you can’t beat them, what’s the point in having kids? I’m obsessed with swearing. I’m absolutely obsessed with it. On TV you can’t swear till 9:30. Then after that you can do what you want. Why? I think the BBC think, as a nation, we’re all just stood round going, ”Oh, Marjorie, could you possibly pass me the bread sauce? This fish is simply divine.” ”Why, certainly, Kenneth. It really is a tasty salmon. ”Tell me, my darling, are you aware of the time?” ”Why, allow me to check on my small, pocket, antique, silver wristwatch ”left for me by Grandpapa all of these years ago in his will. ”Why, I believe it has just gone the hour of 9:30. ”Thank fuck for that. Let’s get cunts and shit on the Christmas tree, you dirty bitch.” # Fuck your auntie up the w******** Shit, balls, fanny, fuck # Look out for this song. I’m bringing it out at Christmas. My favourite swear word at the moment, right, my favourite is ”motherfucker”. Great swear word, that, innit? Motherfucker. I particularly like ”bad motherfucker”. What a great phrase that is. Bad motherfucker. If ever there was a reason not to use the word ”bad”, it’s before the word ”motherfucker”. You see, I can’t help thinking, if you fuck your mum, right, it doesn’t really matter how good or bad you are at it. I can’t imagine anyone being swayed by the adjective, can you? ”See that bloke over there?” ”Yeah.” ”He fucks his mum.” ”So?” ”Wait, there’s more. ”He’s really bad at it.” ”Oh! Well, that is a disgrace!” ”Make an effort if you’re gonna fuck your mum. Put some candles round the bath. ”Come on! Have some self-respect, you bad motherfucker, eh? ”West Side.” The swearing in London’s worse. I went to a cocktail bar the other day with my wife and I could not believe the names they’ve got for cocktails down here. Shocked, right? They had one called Sex on a Beach. Oh, hello. They had one called a Slow Comfortable Screw. Yes. They even had one called an Orgasm. [GASPING] We couldn’t make our minds up what to have. In the end, my wife went for something called a Fist-Fuck off a Waiter Named Tony. And I had… What did I have? Half a mild. Lovely night. I do like drinking, though. Not too much, you know, just till the screaming in me head stops. I do it for the taste and the aroma. Mmm. I’m getting pissed. I’ve got a confession to make, actually. I’m drinking and driving tonight. Yeah. Fuck them. There’s an advertising campaign you won’t see this Christmas. Everyone says it’s wrong, drinking and driving. I can tell you two things that are more dangerous than drinking and driving. One, drinking. Two, driving. Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse? 35,000. Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car? 22,000. Do you know how many people were killed as direct result of drinking and driving? 500. I’m not taking any fucking chances. Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as direct result of drinking and driving and juggling? Two. Yeah, I’m not saying it’s completely safe. I’m not telling you how to live your lives. I’m just here to give you the statistics. You make your own minds up. All I will say is, if you’re drinking and driving tonight, three tennis balls in the glove box. ”Been drinking, have we, sir?” ”A little bit. I went to see Lee Mack ”and everything appears to be under control, thank you. ”Ooh! ”Dropped one, cheeky. ”Don’t you run away.” Actually, I’m not condoning it. It’s wrong to drink and drive. It is for me. I haven’t got a licence. It is wrong, isn’t it? Can anyone answer this question? I was on me driving test, and this is why I failed, I was driving along and suddenly… If an animal runs out in front of the car, what are you supposed to do in your test? -Does anyone know the right answer? Hit it. Hit it. It’s actually run it over, but give it that violent edge, why don’t you? The correct answer is you got to continue to drive and run it over ’cause anything else is a danger to other road users. I’m on my test, everything is going great, suddenly this goat ran out in front of the car, so I remembered what he said, and I kept driving. Few seconds later, I look in the rear-view mirror. The goat is fine. I’ve missed him by millimetres. Now, obviously, I didn’t want to fail me test. So I slapped it in reverse, like that. I must have been chasing him through that field for 45 minutes before I ran over his head, and he still failed me. Where’s the justice in that? I don’t know anything about cars, really. I have passed me test now. In fact, all I know about cars is the bigger the car, the smaller your willy. I’ve got a mini. So I have to drive a really big car. I’ve never understood cars. I never know what Jeremy Clarkson’s going on about. Every time I turn the TV on, he’s just looking at me going, ”If I said to you, ‘Shetak Fertango,’ you’d say, ‘Excessive rear-end flange injection ”’and overly-keen knocking valves.”’ No, Jeremy, I’d say, ”Has it got a cup holder? Will it make birds touch me cock?” The day I buy a brand-new car is when they’ve got the honesty to just do a real advert and just say, ”The new Audi Doody. It’s quicker than walking ”and you won’t have to sit next to a pikey on the bus.” Do you do that thing as well? When you’re driving along, I shove the phone between my legs, I don’t know if you do this. I’m texting away… My girlfriend says I shouldn’t do that ’cause of the radiation. I just think, ”Fuck it, the phone’s insured.” I’m trying to do this thing where I’m trying to turn off predictive texting. Why have we got predictive texting? Why do we need it? We’re not predictive talking, why do we need predictive writing? It’d be great if we did have predictive talking. That’d be brilliant. ”Where’d you go today?” ”Today? Me? ”I wallabyed, I wanked, I washed, I walked. I can’t turn it off. ”Tip, top, to! I walked to the Sharon’s, the ships, the shops! ”I walked to the shops. I can’t turn it off. Predictive thinking.” I reckon that’s what Tourette’s is. Tourette’s is just predictive talking that people can’t turn off. ”What’d you have for your dinner?” ”Fuck off… Fish and chips. ”And mushy cunts… Peas! Mushy peas! I can’t turn it off!” Did I really say ”mushy cunts”, then? Sit down! Sit down now, you hoody freak. Get back. Get back. Get back now. Piss on the seat and do what the others have done. You thought I didn’t fucking notice. You’re like, ”Should I go? Should I go? ”Should I go? Should I go? He’s mid-joke. He’ll never get me now. ”Oh, shit.” Fucking great. I got to wait now. He’s paid. -Part of the rules. I gotta wait. Time him. What? Time him? Very competitive bloke response. ”Time him. Go on, time him. ”I’ll see if I can beat him and we’ll have a mini-league. Time him.” Bet you’re fucking great fun to be at home with. ”I’m just gonna go for a piss.” ”Oh, great, I’ll time you. See if you can beat your personal record. ”Poo or piss, poo or piss?” ”Both.” ”Both, both, brilliant! We haven’t done both!” Fucking time him. What a weirdo. How is that gonna help the situation? Three and a half minutes of silence and no jokes as we wait. No laughs, but look on the bright side. We know he was exactly three minutes and 45 seconds. What’s your name, sir? Who said, ”Time him”? Give me a wave if you said, ”Time him.” MAN: This man here. Oh, he’s up there! Fuck. All right, mate? You were quick. You got from there to there in 0.7 seconds. Brilliant. It’s your personal best. Time that, motherfucker. What’s your name? Shane. Shane. And what do you do, Shane? Nothing. Nothing. What’s your fastest you’ve ever done that? God bless you for trying to work that out. ”Is that a trick question?” And how old are you? Seventeen. Seventeen. Looking forward to Christmas? Seventeen. Bless your cotton socks. It’s quite a young-looking crowd in tonight. How old are you there? Eighteen? Am I in the right gig? Were you expecting a clown? Is that… That’s what’s happened. I’ve stumbled in… That’s why it’s so brightly coloured. I’ve turned up on the wrong set. There’s probably another theatre next door. Some clown’s dying on his ass. ”Bigger? Bigger?” ”Fuck off, you’re shit!” ”There’s no need for that. I’ll take me custard pies and go home.” [HONKING] How’d you get back there? How the hell did you do that? He was timing you, the freak. He waits outside your bathroom and he knows your personal best is three and a half minutes to have a big poo. How fucking mental is he? Do you know what he does? Nothing. Lazy shit. What do you do? I work in IT. You work in IT. That’s interesting. [SNORING] Talking of record attempts, what’s the longest you’ve gone in a day before you’ve considered taking your own life? What’s the name of the company? Er… [SNORING] That is so immature. I’m so sorry. What’s the… I won’t do it again. That’s childish. What’s the… What position are you in? Are you… Wind the window down. Wind it down. Radio 4. Lots of fan. Do you ever do that thing when you fall… I always do this. You know if your passenger falls asleep. It’s annoying. You’re doing all the driving, you’re feeling tired, he falls asleep. Just play this little game. It’s great. Just as he’s waking up, keep your right eye on the road, just close your left eye. [SNORING] ”Watch the fucking road!” ”Are we there? Are we there? ”How long was I gone this time?” ”I timed you and you were gone for 47 seconds. ”47 seconds you were gone, and you also had a poo, so two records in one.” I knew it was gonna be a good day this morning when I woke up. No, I was… I got a very good review this morning. ”Prompt and efficient payer,” eBay. I might not be the best comedian you’ll ever see in the world, but there’s one thing you can guarantee from me. If you buy a Haynes manual for a 1982 Ford Capri you know it’s gonna be, and I quote, ”Nicely packaged.” I also got a phone call off the HSBC this morning. They said, ”When you gonna pay off this overdraft?” I said, ”You know what? In some parts of Southeast Asia ”it’s considered rude to ring people up and ask them for money.” He said, ”What are you talking about?” I said, ”I don’t know. You started it.” My favourite adverts are those ones when you come in at night and turn the television on, some bloke’s just shouting at you going, ”Are you in debt? Are you in lots of debt? ”Do you need to get out of debt? ”Why not consolidate all of your debt into one simple, easy debt?” And how the fuck is that gonna help? You don’t do that with any of your other problems, do you? ”Have you got kids? Are they naughty kids? Have you got lots of naughty kids? ”Three naughty kids? Get rid of them. Get one, big, fat fuck all and consolidate it. ”Consolidate it to a big, fat naughty kid. Chuck them off a cliff.” ”What are you on about?” ”Sign it!” The best adverts are the Australian ones. They’ve all gone for the mentally ill theme for some reason. Go to Australia and turn the television on, I guarantee some bloke will be shouting at you, ”Come to Frank’s Crazy Carpets half-price sale. We got crazy deals ’cause we’re Crazy Carpets. ”I must be bonkers. 50% off at Frank’s Crazy Bonkers Carpets. ”What’s the matter with me? I’ll tell you. ”I’m half-price, carpet-bonkers crazy this bank holiday Monday.” ”I’m John Shed and I’ve gone shed-mental at Shed World. ”33% off a shed? Am I insane? Of course I’m insane. I’m John Shed. ”Me ass is made out of cornflakes. And I invented the snot sausage. ”Buy a shed off me.” That’s what they should do. They should get proper mentally ill people to reclaim the word and just do their own adverts. ”Hello, I’m Brian Trifle and am I going crazy? Of course I’m going crazy. ”I live in an mental institution in Woolloomooloo. ”Why don’t you come round this bank holiday Monday ”and watch me run round the table tennis room with me underpants round me ankles ”shouting, ‘Look at me, I’m a chocolate biscuit.’ ”I’ve got me mother’s nightie on and I think I’m Jesus. ”Yes, I’m Brian Trifle. I’m fucked up and I’m mentally unstable. ”This bank holiday Monday. I’ve got a knife. Stab you in the face. Buy a shed off me.” I’ll tell you the best ones in the world, without any shadow of a doubt, the French perfume adverts. They make so much sense, don’t they? [IN FRENCH ACCENT] ”I see her, I want her. She is what she is. ”She sees, but she is blind. ”She has legs, but she has no legs. She is alive, but she is dead. ”She’s a woman, but she’s a monkey. ”And I know that I want her because she is what she is. ”And what she is is a blind, dead, disabled monkey. ”And I know that I want her. Shalimar by Guerlain.” What the fuck does it smell of? They’ve got equally pretentious adverts in France. The British adverts in France, they’re the most pretentious in the world. ”I see her on t’beach. She’s got it in her hand. ”It’s a pie. I love pies. I go over. But wait, it’s not a pie. ”It’s like a pie, but it’s smaller, and inside it’s peas and carrots and gravy and mince. ”And I know that I want it ’cause it is what it is. ”And what it is is pasties by Ginster.” Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a lovely audience. And I’d like to finish off tonight with some simple words from my father. He said, ”Son, wherever you go, always remember, you can fool some of the people all of the time ”and all of the people some of the time. ”But you can’t fool some of the people all of the time.” And I said, ”You just said you could, Dad.” And he said, ”Yeah, I know. ”But what I meant to say was, you can’t fool all of the people ”some of the time.” And I said, ”Get it right, for God’s sake, Dad.” And he says, ”Fuck off, you’re adopted anyway.” So, thank you very much. You’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you very much, Bloomsbury Theatre! Thank you very much. Good night. [CROWD CHEERING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hello. Oh, I hate that bit. What’d I do that for? I knew I was coming back. You knew I was coming back. Might as well fucking stay here and crack on. Suppose it’d be considered a little arrogant if I stood here and went, ”Well, that’s the end of the show. I know I’m getting an encore, ”so I’ll just stay here and crack on if that’s all right.” I got stopped by a market researcher today. She said, ”Can I ask you 10 quick questions?” I went, ”Go on.” She went, ”Question number one. Have you ever had a blackout?” I said, ”No.” She went, ”And finally, question number 10.” So, any questions? You got any questions? MAN: What football team do you support? What football team do I support? Colchester. Blackburn. Runcorn. Arsenal. [CHEERING] Arsenal. [PEOPLE SHOUTING OUT] Oh, hello, there’s one at the front from the painter and decorator. You’re a really confident bloke, yeah? You say that. Inside I’m dying. Inside I die every night. I’m looking at you with your lovely wife and mine with her hunchback and her crippled face. Thank you for giving me the most unusual question in a 42-date tour. ”You are confident.” You’re a confident bloke, yeah? Still? -Still? You are. But you said I was confident before. You are. I am confident. I am. But… Oh, hello. But… But? This is the bit I’m not so sure about. You’ve got that sort of look about you as if to go, ”I’ve done the living room, right? And that’s all gone great. ”And the bathroom, right, sweet as! You are gonna love it. ”Everything is fucking perfect. ”Your life has been dramatically improved, but… ”I’ve killed your fucking dog.” -I’m sorry. There’s a question. You’re a confident bloke. Yeah. I’m a confident bloke. But have you got a big k*** to go with it? That wasn’t my legs. That was my cock. WOMAN: [IN SCOUSE ACCENT] Where are you from? I’m not from fucking Liverpool. Ooh, didn’t that just fucking hurt your ears? WOMAN AND MAN: Where’d you get your shoes from? One at a time. That was really weird. They both asked the same question. They both asked the same question. [LOW-PITCHED] ”Where’d you…” [HIGH-PITCHED] ”Where’d you…” Unless it’s the same person and you’re pre-op. Is that it? [VOICE CRACKING] ”Where’d you get your shoes from? [HIGH-PITCHED] ”Sorry, it just went funny halfway through the sentence. ”I’ve just had it lobbed off and it keeps coming and going. [HIGH-PITCHED] ”Sorry. [VOICE CRACKING] ”Coming and going.” [LAUGHING] Where’d I get me shoes from? I got them from the shoe shop. WOMAN: They look like bowling shoes. They look like bowling shoes? Well, fuck-i-dee-doo. They are actually bowling shoes. ‘Cause I used to work in a bowling alley. And I just thought, ”I’ll nick them. Sod it.” Didn’t bother me ’cause it wasn’t a permanent job. I was ten-pin. Where’d you get your shoes? Have you got shoes? Where I’m from, that is actually a genuine chat-up line. I’m from Lancashire. ”Hey, have you got shoes?” ”I have.” ”Hey, fuck off, she’s mine. I’ve spat on this one.” Any other questions? MAN: How’s things at home? What? How are things at home? They’re fine thanks, Grandad. Aye, they’re not bad. They’re fettling. The man with the fucking blue, woolly hat on. ”Hey, how’s things at home? ”You all right? Is the gas central heating warm for you? ”They’re the wrong trousers, Gromit!” Any final questions? I like this bit ’cause some of you are looking at me going, ”It’s the end of your tour, Lee. You’re being self-indulgent. We need a fucking piss.” Well, is that helping? Oh, I tell you what, that is fucking great. [MOANING] We’ll cut that bit out and go, ”Fuck, he wasn’t very confident after all, was he?” Fucking hell. Well, listen, you’ve been a… I’m sorry to take the piss out of your Scouse accent. I’m Lancashire by the way, right? Which isn’t proper Lancashire. Proper Lancashire’s surprised as fuck about everything all the time. ”Really? Shoes in a shoe shop? Couldn’t believe it. ”Really? Really? I opened a newspaper, there were newspaper print and everything.” My favourite accent is actually the Geordie accent. I love the fact that it starts off hard as nails and ends up terrified. Go up to any Geordie bloke and go, ”What are you doing tonight?” He’ll go, ”Me? I’m just going down the road, like, ”having a pint of lager and a packet of crisps and then outside for a fight.” [LOW-PITCHED] ”I started off like that, hard as fucking nails. ”And then halfway through the sentence ”I started running out of breath and going all high-pitched, ”and then I started fucking shitting meself.” Maybe they’ve just worked out they haven’t got a jacket and it’s freezing. ”Excuse me, mate, you haven’t got a…” ”I don’t need a fuckingjacket. I’m as hard as fucking nails. ”No, you’re right, it is a bit chilly. I think I’ll go home and get me shawl. ”Me little nipples have gone all hard.” My favourite accent’s actually the South African accent. I love the fact that it’s just a record recorded backwards. You know if you record a record backwards and then play it backwards, it sounds forwards, doesn’t it? That’s all that South African is. It’s like, ”What do you do for a living?” ”Work in fucking Johannesburg and I don’t like you, you fucking shit” [IMITATING RECORD PLAYING BACKWARDS] ”Kill your parents. Kill them. Kill them. Kill your parents. ”Kill them. Beelzebub! Beelzebub!” Whereas the Australians, they just sound like a record that won’t start properly. ”What you do for a living?” ”Errr…I work in a bank, mate.” ”How long have you done that for?” ”Aaaaaabout 40 fucking years.” Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you very much for coming to the show and good night! Thanks very much. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you, London Town. Good night.

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LEE MACK: GOING OUT LIVE (2010) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lee-mack-going-out-live-transcript/

This programme contains strong language [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Over 100 dates across the country but this is the big one, the one he’s really been looking forward to, the best town on the tour, yes, we’re here in… Hammersmith. Yes, wonderful, beautiful, amazing… Hammersmith. Famous, of course, for its fantastic… Flyover. And its absolutely superb… Bus station. And let’s not forget its brilliant, breathtaking, awe-inspiring… Cheap heroin. So, now, please welcome to the stage, Mr Lee Mack! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] I did say no kids. I don’t mess about! Read the leaflet. I don’t print them for my own good! You’ll never see him again and it’s your own fault. Let’s start with some audience participation. What’s your name, mate? Dan. Have you ever changed a light bulb? Yes? Did you do it on your own? Yes, and that’s what’s making this country so great! Let’s hear it for the Dan! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Well done, Dan. That’s the end of the audience participation. So, how many paedophiles does it take to change a light bulb? One. It’s people like you that are ruining this country, Dan! So, this DFS sale… ..it’s dragging on a bit, innit? That one bloke who paid full whack, he must be kicking himself. Welcome to the show. New jokes, new tour. Some of them’ll work, some won’t. But like my mum used to say, if you throw enough shit, some of it will stick. I used to say, “Come on, Mum. Can’t we get a PlayStation?” There’s…there’s different types of jokes, a bit of observational, not too much. It’s too hard to write. You’re supposed to talk about stuff you’ve noticed. My problem is I don’t notice anything cos I don’t do anything. A lot of comedians will talk about going to the supermarket. I do all my stuff online. A lot of comedians will talk about their sex lives. Same problem. But at least it’s my own material. That’s the main thing. You can’t do cover versions, not in comedy. It’s not like music. Imagine if I got up here and started doing Richard Pryor’s material. It would be indefensible. Trust me, I know, I’ve tried. I got booed off stage and told by the other comedians I was a disgrace to the profession. I’ve even tried it without blacking up. [LAUGHTER] There will be some bad language. That’s the new rules of comedy, you’ve got to tell people in advance about bad language. You can’t watch a TV programme now without being warned. I’m not sure we need those warnings. People swear all the time in real life and you don’t get warned about that. It’s not like people come up to me going, “Lee, it all kicked off in the pub last night. Let me tell you about it “in a story which contains strong language from the start… “and scenes of a sexual nature… “and flashing lights. “So, there’s this prick, he gets his cock out and I hit it with a torch.” [LAUGHTER] Talking of bad language, this is true… Part of the tour, we had a signer for the deaf on stage. I learnt some swear words in sign language. For example, did you know that this is sign language for shit? I thought, that must be horrible if you’re deaf and you cut yourself shaving. Oh, shit. [HE SCREAMS] Honest to God, at one point, I said, “Bollocks.” He went like this… I said, “Mate, bollocks, not elephantitis.” I said, “If that’s bollocks, what’s juggling?” And he went… So, basically, sign language for, “Hello, can I have a look at you juggling?” Is exactly the same as, “Hello, can I have a look at your testicles?” I thought, that must be awkward if you’re a deaf children’s entertainer. [LAUGHTER] That was wanker, obviously. I can’t help thinking though, if that’s bollocks, maybe this should be wanker… [LAUGHTER] Oh, you’re back. You’re back! The kids are back. Well done, mate. I feel bad now. You missed the beginning of the show. I’ll fill you in. You haven’t missed much. Dan’s a paedophile. You were safer in the box! I’m obsessed by the whole swearing thing. In the newspapers, they do the asterisk. F, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. We know what it says. We can still read. What’s the point in covering it up? When we get to it, we don’t go, “F-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk.” We know what it says. So they’re covering it up but we can still hear it. What’s the point? That’s like me going on Songs Of Praise and going, “Hello, Aled. I’d like to dedicate this next hymn to my father. He really was a great man. “I say great, every now and again, he was a little bit of a BLEEP. Is that all right? “Covered it up when I said it. Is that all right? Get off me! “What’s your problem? Thora Hird used to let me say it. You… “Get off me.” I’m so sorry. This is such a posh, pleasant sort of gig. What are you doing drinking? Can you drink in here? Oh, you can. I like a drink. I joined a wine club recently. We meet every morning at nine o’clock in the park. I’m obsessed with drinking. I was in the Queen’s Head recently. Prince Philip wasn’t happy. And we were talking about the phrase – “pissed as newts”. You don’t hear that any more, do you? Pissed as newts. People used to say it all the time. I’ve come to the conclusion that all the newts got together and said, “Right, lads. “We… [SLURRED SPEECH] ..are going to have to sort ourselves out, “because apparently… “we’re getting a terrible reputation.” And the other one’s gone, “What are we going to do with all this booze?” And the other one’s gone, “Oh, I don’t know. “Pour it down that rat’s arse.” [LAUGHTER] I love it when the government’s always trying to get involved. The Conservatives said, we’re going to reduce binge drinking by increasing the tax on alcopops. How’s that going to help, increasing the tax on alcopops? Two fat women lying in the gutter at two in the morning. “Are you all right, Sandra, love?” “Aye, I’m fine. “Just go and get us another bottle of hooch, you daft bitch.” “You sure yous want one?” “Aye. Why not?” “I’ll tell yous why. “You know the government have raised duty on alcopops by 12.5%?” HE GASPS “He’s what?! “That is totally disproportionate to the rate of inflation. “Especially when you consider the current fiscal quota. “12.5% increase on the already steep price of £2.70 a bottle. “Why, that’s an increase of almost 33.1 pence on every unit price. “And that sort of inflationary rise “is not just steep, it’s totally unsustainable “in a modern, Western, democratic economy. “Nah, forget it. “Go get us a bottle of water instead. “I’m going to go home and have a long hard look at my life.” [LAUGHTER] “Actually, before you go, Sandra, love. Can you give us a hand? “I think I’ve got a kebab stuck up me fanny.” [LAUGHTER] I didn’t need to use a Geordie accent. That was a stereotype. I thought I’d play safe. We haven’t got any Geordies in tonight, I assume? All right! We have! Bloody hell. Someone in London’s having an extension done. I read an interesting fact about Newcastle the other day. If you took all the chips that were eaten in Newcastle on a Friday night and put them in a pile, they would reach out and grab those chips back. It’s a fact. I read that! What’s your name, madam? Sorry? Charlene. How are you, Charlene? Nice to see you, Charlene. Can I ask you a question? How old are you? Sorry, that’s a very rude question. I meant to say, how heavy are you? Sorry. How… How old are you? 23! Wow! I’m not going to lie, this joke isn’t going to work. I thought you were older. [LAUGHTER] Perfect, you’ll do. I’m joking! We’ll edit it in, it’ll be fine. I’m joking. At least you didn’t say 29. I wouldn’t have believed you. Never trust a woman if her age ends in nine. That’s what they say. Cos if a woman says 39, they mean mid-40s. If they say 29, they mean mid-30s. If they just say nine, you shouldn’t be making enquiries. Hope you’re listening to this, Dan. I’m 41 now and I find as I’m getting older, I’m turning into my dad, cos I’ve started fancying my mum. I’m joking! He never fancied me mum. It was always me sister. Oh, come on! A bit of incest, goes back generations in our family, doesn’t do any harm. Apart from my sister’s webbed feet. We used to tease her but she got the last laugh. She was the only one who could keep away from dad in the swimming pool. I’m obsessed with age. There was a woman on the radio, 80 years old. They said, “How do you feel now you’ve turned 80?” This woman said, “I feel exactly the same now as I did when I was 14.” Everyone went, “Oh, isn’t that lovely.” Then I thought, no, it’s weird. I’m sorry, but if you feel exactly the same at 80 as you did when you were 14, you have wasted your life. You’re supposed to grow old, mature, get wise. Who wants to go to their nan and go, “What did you do today?” “I loitered outside the off-licence, bit of shoplifting, “then I got fingered behind Tesco’s.” Who wants to hear that?! Nobody! Here’s a moral question about age for you. How old do you have to be before a girl is allowed to have her ears pierced? 14. 14? Who said that? Thank you very much. That is exactly what I said and I got told I was an old fuddy-duddy and stuffy. There’s someone in this world who’s got the same morals as me. Thank you, madam. Cos my girlfriend wants to get her ears pierced, right… Is this your other half, Charlene? Yes, and is he older or younger? He’s older. Hello. How much older? [INAUDIBLE] How many years? 13 years! 23… Sorry, I’m trying to work out if that obeys the French rule. You know the French rule? Have you heard of France? The French rule? The French say you can’t go out with anyone that’s younger than half your age plus seven. They’ve all got their own rules. The Thai rule, half your age and half again. The Austrian rule, half your age and down six flights of stairs. The Chinese rule… Well, they will eventually. The Geordie rule, forget the age, count the teeth. But it’s mainly the French rule. Why we’re listening to the French, I’ll never know. I’ve never trusted the French. The things they do to us. Writing C on the hot tap… C for cold, F for fucking hot and they swap it round. I’m not an idiot. And they nick all our words, like bananas. What do they do? Get rid of the letter B, call them, ananas. And they’re horrible! They taste like pineapples. [LAUGHTER] Everyone goes on about the French, the French fancy food. “Ooh, we love fancy…” No-one really likes fancy. They pretend to like fancy food, like caviar, grown inside a sturgeon. I would rather have the fish. Truffles, sniffed from the ground by an old sow. I would rather have the pig. Oysters, collected off the ocean bed by a half-naked Filipino boy. [LAUGHTER] I prefer a takeaway. I love Subway. I love that new campaign Subway’s got. “We make the sandwich the way you want it.” I thought, that’s very generous of you. I’m glad I didn’t come when it was the old system. “Can I have a cheese sandwich, please, with tomato and mayonnaise?” No. “Why not?” “Cos that’s not the way Keith likes it.” [LAUGHTER] “Who’s Keith?” “Bloke down the road.” “Well, how does he like his cheese sandwich?” “With tomato and mayonnaise. “But no cheese.” “That’s not true, is it?” “No.” “You don’t know anyone called Keith, do you?” “No.” “What’s going on?” “We’ve run out of cheese.” [LAUGHTER] Hello, madam in the front row holding onto your bottle. Madam, how are you? Good. You just did that great thing women do in the front row, which I always like. I’ll talk to them, then they look at me and slightly glance down and back up again, thinking, “He’ll be gone when I look back.” You’re not blind, are you? That would be very awkward. Is this your other half? Are you sure you’re not blind? Only joking. You look great. I’m looking at what you’re wearing, madam. You’ve gone for a massive white belt, and this long hair with a sort of diagonal fringe. Then that grey thing, with a sort of dress over the top. It gets me very confused. I’m looking at it and I’ll be completely honest with you, I’m thinking, “What are you thinking about?” I look at you and think, “What are you thinking about?” What are you thinking about?! I don’t like it. So, good evening, welcome to the show. I’d rather be honest. I’m joking. She looks great. That was my experiment. That was my little experiment for the night. She looks great. But did you feel the tension in the room? I called Dan a paedophile, I said I once blacked up… Nothing. I don’t like what she’s wearing… “He’s a BLEEP monster!” I do like what she’s wearing, but what if I didn’t? It would be my taste against her taste. If I said, “What would you like to eat?” And she said, “Rhubarb.” And I said, “I don’t really like rhubarb.” You wouldn’t all go, “It’s kicking off! “What’s going to happen?!” If you think about it, that’s more important cos we’re talking about food, stuff you put inside your body. Which brings me onto my main point. Him. What are you thinking about?! Look at him! His hair’s different colours! Are you a local lady, madam? Where are you from? Mordor? Sorry, where are you from? Oh, you’re from Milton Keynes. I was right first time. Milton Keynes. Very nice. That’s the important thing. You’ve got to live in a nice area. It doesn’t matter about your house or your flat, it’s the area you live in. It’s like Kirstie Allsopp always says on Channel 4, “Location, location, location.” But we all know what she’s actually thinking is, “Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits.” “Oh, Phil, I don’t like these bevelled floor boards.” “Well, they were all right before you came in, Princess.” [LAUGHTER] “Come on, Kirstie. Head out of the fridge. Let’s have a look upstairs.” “Biscuits!” Did you read about that? Biscuits are the most dangerous product in the house. They cause more admissions to accident and emergency than any other product. People give a biscuit to the dog, they get bitten. They dip the biscuit in the tea, they get burnt. It’s not a laughing matter. My mum was seriously injured cos of a packet of Rich Tea biscuits. She was supposed to get me Jammy Dodgers so I punched her in the face. I live in a nice area now. I moved to the west of London. It’s quite nice but like anywhere in London you’re only ever five minutes away from a red light area or something. Not but I’ve got a problem. I don’t know what your opinion on the subject is. Personally, I’ve always thought prostitution should be cheaper. Legalised! I said legalised, by the way, not eagle eyes. I don’t think prostitutes should have eagle eyes. Maybe they should have eagle eyes and then when they go down on you, you can do that and they can keep a look out for the police. [LAUGHTER] I had to move out of the East End, though. It’s the Cockneys. I get confused with Cockneys. Cockney rhyming slang to me, it’s very confusing. It’s particularly confusing if you’re the person the Cockney rhyming slang is named after. I mean, Hank Marvin. He must spend his life introducing himself to people… [LAUGHTER] ..and people going… ..”I can get you a cheese sandwich or something.” Not everyone’s from London tonight. I can tell. Half of you knew that Hank Marvin means starving, and half of you got confused then, cos half of you think Hank has got something to do with wank. Is that the problem with that joke? I can almost hear the conversations. “I don’t get that one, Trevor. Do you?” “No, my darling. “Why give Hank Marvin a cheese sandwich if he wants to masturbate?” “I was wondering the same thing. Maybe the sandwich is for Cliff Richard. He was in The Shadows.” “Yes. He’s all right, this fella, but he’s no Jethro, is he?” “No, he’s not.” “He’s trying hard. He is trying hard.” There’s lots of famous people in Cockney rhyming slang now. Samantha Janus. She’s Cockney rhyming slang. She is, officially. Oh, good, you got that one. She’s changed it now. She sometimes says, “Samantha Jan-us.” You can’t change your surname cos it sounds like something rude! Ask my mate, Billy Hucked-Her-Up-The-Arsehole. He’s not been able to change his name, just cos Billy rhymes with Willy. What are the rules?! It’s a rip-off, living in London. I rung up for some car insurance the other day. I said, “How much would it be to insure my car?” This bloke said, “Do you park it in the street?” I said, “Yeah, I’m having problems squeezing it into the spare room.” He said, “As opposed to a garage?” I said, “Yes, I park it in the street.” He said, “Is it a well-lit street?” I said, “No, it’s a dark street.” He said, “Oh, dear. Have you got any security on it? Any car alarms?” I said, “Nothing.” He said, “What area in London do you live in?” So I told him my address and he came round and nicked it. Rip-off! You go to the mechanics… Do this one. I love this. It’s my favourite practical joke. I did this last week. I said, “There’s something wrong with my car. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “That’s your clutch.” I said, “No, it’s not the clutch. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “Yeah, hat’s your clutch.” I said, “No, it’s not. It keeps going…” [WHIRRING] He said, “It’s your clutch! I said, “Will you stop interrupting me? “I’ve got a stutter.” [LAUGHTER] “It keeps going… WHIRRING “..really slowly up hills!” [LAUGHTER] He said, “Yeah, that’s your clutch.” [LAUGHTER] I hate the rip-off you get in London. You get it all over Britain now, the hard sell on the phone. “Do you want to switch your gas to the electric? Switch your electric…” I’m taking this off, can’t sustain this for an hour. [WOLF WHISTLE] Don’t patronise me. I know it hasn’t worked out. I bought the suit, looked at myself in the shop and I thought, “I’ve got a bit of the Al Pacinos going on.” I looked backstage and realised I’ve ended up looking like a very unsuccessful regional snooker player. [LAUGHTER] The telephone hard sell is the worst in the world. This is a true story. I was lying in bed the other day with a hangover. Yeah, it’s awful when your cock’s so big it won’t stay in the bed. [LAUGHTER] I’m glad I didn’t say a stinking hangover. And I knew straightaway this bloke was trying to sell me something with his opening line cos he said, “Hello, sir. How are you today?” I said, “No, thank you.” He genuinely got the hump and said, “No, thank you what?” I said, “Sorry. No, thank you, please.” He said, “I’m phoning from EDF.” I said, “I’m not interested.” He said, “I haven’t told you what it is yet.” I said, “I know why you’re ringing. “To offer me a free season ticket to Wembley, plus unlimited access “to dirty Brenda’s all-night knocking shop with as many chocolate hobnobs as I can eat.” He said, “No, I’m not. I’m ringing to talk about your domestic fuel bills.” I said, “Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place?! “Keep talking, son.” He said, “Well, sir…” cos he didn’t get the sarcasm. He said, “How would you feel about paying less for your gas?” I said, “Honestly?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “I reckon, I’d feel exactly the same “but I’d be paying less for my gas.” He said, “Can I ask, who’s your current supplier?” I said, “It’s Gypsy Dave, he comes round on a moped every Thursday.” I said, “Sorry! I thought you meant electricity.” I said, “It’s British Gas.” He said, “Can I ask why you chose them, sir?” I said, “Well, it’s a funny story. “I needed some gas and I live in Britain, and I don’t know “what it was but they seemed to be ticking all the right boxes.” At this point, he genuinely got the hump. He said, “I’ll phone someone else who’ll answer my questions less sarcastically.” “You can. They’ll be less sarcastic. They’ll probably stay on the phone longer, “but they’ll end up saying no anyway. “I don’t know who’s providing your current rejection “but if you switch to me, I would combine the sarcasm “with the rejection and save you 15% a year on your cold-calling time.” Do you know what he did then? He tried to offer me Nectar points! Let me tell you something about Nectar points. I spent the last two years collecting Nectar points. Do you know how many I’ve got? Enough for a tiny little jar of honey! I’d be better off collecting nectar! I’m glad you laughed at that joke because I did it in Ireland a month ago and it got fuck all. We did Dublin for two nights. I did the same joke. Get off stage, a bloke went, “You know that joke about the Nectar points and the honey? “I know why it didn’t get a laugh.” I went, “Why?” He went, “They don’t have Nectar points in Ireland.” What are you telling me now for after the gig? Wipe that smirk off your face! He said, “Don’t worry. Tomorrow night, say Tesco points.” I don’t know what’s worse. The fact he suggested that or the fact that half of you are now staring at me going, “Well, what happened? Did it work?” “Did it work the next night? What about Asda points? “They’ve all got an Asda. Come on, mate, stay with it. Go on. “Don’t leave us hanging.” Cos that’s how they speak in London. Sorry for locking you in the box, by the way, lads. Sorry about that. What’s your name, mate? Nathan. Nafan? N-A-F-A-N, yeah? And, er… How old are you, Nafan? 12. 12. Wow. Did you have a nice Easter? Was it under the plant pot? It’s always under the plant pot, isn’t it! And, um… Do you, er… Do you like music? What kind of music are you into? Rock. Rock. I like rock. I like U2, they’re my favourite rock band. There was a documentary the other day about U2. Does anybody know the real name of Bono, the lead singer? It’s not his real name, obviously. Does anyone know what Bono’s real name is? Wanker! Calm it down, Tourette’s man, I’ll be with you in a minute. You see that documentary about Tourette’s? How funny was that? They’ve given him a dog now! How’s that possibly going to help, does he blame the dog? “Fuck off! Not me, Charlie. “Cheeky Charlie, talking to the nice lady like that. Shit-flaps! “Come on, sit down. No sausages!” They put him next to the busiest dual carriageway with a dog, and he’s got Tourette’s. “It was awful, he just stood there the whole time going, “Come on! Wait. “Come on! Wait. Come on! Wait.” The dog’s going, “I hate being your dog! “Giving me fucking Tourette’s.” So, yes, the real name of the… The lead singer was Paul what? Paul Hewson. Paul Hewson, right. It’s not a joke. I just want to make sure that turd in a box goes to the right address, cos I’m not a fan. I like The Edge, or as he’s known in France, L’Edge. At least they’ve learnt their number one lesson – never sing in your own accent. That would just sound awful, wouldn’t it? The only part of the world that hasn’t learnt this is Manchester. They insist on northernering it up, like Elbow. [NORTHERN ACCENT] # Blinking in the morning sun… # Look at me, I’m a fucking northerner. # I’m blinking in the morning sun # I’m blinking in the morning sun. # Oasis were the worst, of course. # In the sunshiiiiiiine! # That bloke was constipated with Manchesterness. That’s why he had to leave. He did a massive poo and it was all over. # In the sun… # Bwwwrrpt! “Oh, I say, that feels a lot better, Noel. “I’m off. Toodle-pip.” 10CC – they were from Manchester. 10CC didn’t sing in a northern accent, did they? Then again, you can’t sing that classic song I’m Not in Love with a northern accent. [NORTHERN ACCENT] “I’m not in, love! I’m not in, love! “Brian! I’m not in, love! “I’m in the shed.” “What are you doing in there?” “It’s just a silly phase I’m going through.” Talking of music, I’ve been hobnobbing with the stars. When I say hobnobbing with the stars, I don’t mean eating chocolate biscuits with Kerry Katona. That’s a battle you’re never going to win. It was a few years ago. It was, actually, true story, the last one-night stand I had before I met my current wife, or as I should probably start calling her, wife. It’s a true story. I had a one-night stand with a very famous pop star. I don’t mind telling you who it was. It was with the pop star, Pink. True story. It is! It IS! The weird thing was I didn’t even fancy her, but I’m a massive fan of snooker and six points is six points, isn’t it? I was going through a weird phase that year – trying to sleep with everyone represented on the snooker table. I slept with Sarah Greene, Sarah Brown, the boy band Blue. I even changed my sexuality to achieve my targets. You think that’s odd? I shagged Cilla Black! You know what they say – once you’ve had black, you never go back. I couldn’t think of anything for yellow so I just had a wank while watching The Simpsons. The only downside is in-between every colour I had to sleep with Mick Hucknall from Simply Red. But it’s a very sad time for music. A very sad time because of the death of Michael Jackson and, er… [SOME LAUGHTER] You get these comedians, don’t you, who do these cheap and pathetic jokes about Michael but you won’t be getting that from me, ladies and gentlemen, because… ..because Michael was a… because Michael was a mentor… HYSTERICAL [LAUGHTER] Fuck off, it’s the serious bit! Sorry. Michael was a… [LAUGHTER] Get out and show some respect. In fact, do both. Get out the whole way like this, all the way to the door. You’re talking about the man I love! The things that were said about Michael – the lies, the untruths. Makes me sick. I was reading today on the internet, right, on his wikipaedophile page… Wikipedia! ..the lies, the things people say about him. “He was on drugs.” Oh, he was on drugs, was he? You’re talking about a man who didn’t even have sugar in his coffee. Do you know why? Because he was sweet enough. Didn’t even have milk in his coffee. Do you know what amazed me about Michael Jackson’s death? This country must hold the world record for the shortest bereavement a country has ever had. I timed it. From the announcement of the death to the first joke text. 22 seconds! “I heard he had a stroke in the children’s ward.” What is it about technology that turns you into the sickest f… in the world? Will somebody tell me when it became socially acceptable to send pictures of dwarves fucking ponies to everybody else in the office? When did that become normal? Yes, it’s on a computer but it’s still a photograph, you freaks! We couldn’t do that before computers. “What have you brought into the office?” “I brought a photograph, boss.” “Do show us, it’ll be such fun.” “What’s that, you weirdo? I hate computers. It’s all the little terminology that they use. The little terminology. I rung up for some help the other day on my website. I said, “I can’t get into my website.” This bloke said, “Have you tried disabling cookies?” I said, “I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.” It’s a nice spotty dress you’ve got on there, madam. It’s very spotty, isn’t it? I’m not looking at your tits. I’m trying to find out if I’m colour blind. What’s your name, madam? Liz. Liz. Know what I’m thinking of being? A quiz show host. Think I could make it? Are you feeling lucky, Liz? Cross your fingers. Are you superstitious? Superstition. Like my sister. When we were kids, she was so superstitious she wouldn’t even have 13 as her unlucky number because she said it would crop up too much in life. She decided that her unlucky number was going to be 737. She died in a plane crash. This is the rules, Liz. I’ll give you the names of three famous people. I want you to tell me where they were born. The clue is in the name of the person. The clue’s in the name of the person and you tell me where they were born. Here we go. It’s football. Looking for the name of the country – the footballer, Stephen Ireland. Where was he born? Stephen Ireland. We’re looking for the name of a country. Where was he born? Ireland! Ireland! She’s got the first one right, let’s hear it for Liz. You can do this, Liz. The second one is the poet, John Welsh? John Welsh. Where was he born? What country? Wales! Wales! That’s two, come on! You can do this, here we go. For tonight’s star prize. OK. No shouting out, you can ask the people around you. Here we go. The name of an island. We’re looking for the name of an island. It’s the soul singer, Barry White. Where was he born? The soul singer. It’s the name of an island. Barry White. Barry White, where was he born? The Isle of Wight? The Isle of Wight! She’s got… No, she’s got it wrong. Barry Island. You were that close, weren’t you? Don’t worry, I’ll give you another chance. We played the porn star name game on the tour. The best porn star name gets a prize. You know the porn star name game – it’s your first pet and mother’s maiden name. You play those rules? Yes, you do. What was your first pet, Liz? This could be your moment. What was your first pet? This could be comedy gold. What was your first pet? A dog. A dog. Not… The name of the pet! First you didn’t hear the Isle of Wight and now you can’t… That’s not going to work as a porn star name, is it? “Hey, baby, what’s your name?” “A dog!” “A dog!” What was the name of the dog? Harry. Harry, perfect. Harry! You’ve had the last five minutes to think. You could have said Fluffy or Trixie or Pussy, no, no, no. What do we get? “Harry. Deal with that.” I hope to God your mother’s maiden name is Fuck-flaps, otherwise this is going nowhere. I don’t know why I bother playing the porn star name game. Honest to God, I said to my wife recently, “What’s your porn star name?” My wife said, “Anal Ventures.” I said, “Love, your first pet was not called Anal. “Your mother’s maiden name is not Ventures. “Play the game.” She said, “What game?” I was lying in bed, right, with my wife, the other day, and… ..we were talking about… sexual fantasies. And I said…that during sex, I’d always quite liked the idea of… ..you know… turning into Leonard Rossiter. “Have you… Have you…” “Have you…” “Have you…” “Have you… Have you…” “Do you ev… C…can I…” “Can I stick it up your Miss Jones?” And… I said I’d… I’d always quite liked the idea of… you know, getting someone else involved. And she said, “No chance! You can carry on doing it on your own.” That’s the problem after a while, it’s the romance that goes, isn’t it? You do your best, but it goes. It always backfires when I do my best. I said, “What do you mean, more romantic?” She went, “Surprise me, come home with wine, a DVD, write secret notes.” The next night, I came back with a bottle of Blue Nun and a porno film and I wrote a note on the door saying, “Do not disturb,” right? Still nothing. So I made the effort. I thought, “I’ll be romantic, I’ll take her away.” I’d been saying it for ages, I finally did something about it. Actions speak louder than words. Not always, obviously. Not if you want to say, “Look out for that truck!” Use words, obviously. The last thing you want to see just before you die is a man playing charades. “Five words, first word…” “Oh, you bastard.” There’s loads of phrases I’ve never understood. “One swallow does not make a summer.” It’s a bloody nice start, though, be honest. So, I take her to Westwood Ho!, right? Westward Ho!, famous for being the only place name in Britain with a punctuation mark at the end. Apart from Newcastle, it’s got a question mark. I take her to Westwood Ho! We’re on the beach. Do you ever do that thing where you have a debate and it turns out to be a big row? A nice friendly debate, a big row. I thought I’d made a good point. We’re walking along the beach and I said, “Interesting, isn’t it? “That if a woman walks down the beach and she was wearing bra and knickers, “people would think she’s mental. “They’d probably shout stuff out at her, give her abuse. “And yet, if a woman walks down the beach in a bikini, “no-one says anything. “And if you think about it, a bikini is effectively bra and knickers. “So with that theory, you should be able to walk down the beach “in bra and knickers, and have no-one say anything.” And she said, “I don’t care! Take them off!” She’s got a point about the romance thing. It’s very hard to show your romance as a bloke. Very hard to show any emotions at all, to be honest. I’ve got this theory – women, when they have Botox, they can’t show any emotions or expressions. Blokes should have the complete opposite and have a permanent emotion etched onto their face for life. You could have any one you want, but you’re stuck with it forever. I’d have confusion. I like the idea of spending me whole life walking around like this. “You all right, Lee?” “Yeah, I’m fine, why does everyone keeps asking me that?” You and your mates could have different emotions and have every situation covered. “Really? Five quid for a pint of lager, you must be joking. “Steve, get over here.” Talking of facelifts and Botox, I’ll tell you who gets a lot of criticism for that – Anne Robinson. Let me tell you – she’s a close showbiz friend of mine – she’s never had Botox or a facelift. People don’t realise that she’s got a massive bulldog clip on the back of her head, and if you take that bulldog clip off, it turns out she’s Harry Redknapp. That’s fact! Sweating like a pig. We all right over there? I forgot about this whole section. What’s your name, madam? Sam? You all right, Sam? Is this your other half next to you? Yes. Have you got kids? Three kids, isn’t that lovely? I’ll be honest, right, I always wanted three kids, but now we’ve got two, I only want one. It’s not easy, having that second kid, is it? We’ve had to get a live-in nanny, because that dead one wasn’t working out. What are your kids called? Ellis? Nice name. Erin? There’s a theme here, isn’t there? “And elephant!” He’s the ugliest one. And what’s the third one? Na-than. “Na-than. Na-than.” Yeah? Are they good kids? Very good. That’s good, you’ve got to have good kids. My kids are completely different. One’s audacious, sprightly, over-zealous, effusive. The other one, we went for a more traditional name, John. “Audacious-Sprightly-Over-zealous- Effusive not going to be happy growing up with that name, is he? But John, she’s going to be livid! It’s hard, having kids. You’ve always got to do the right thing. It’s so difficult. The other day, my five-year-old, he was crying his eyes out. I walked in, I said, “Are you all right?” He went, “No, I’m scared.” I said, “What are you scared of?” How heartbreaking is this? “I’m scared of a third world war.” [AUDIENCE] Aw-w! I know. I picked that little fella up and I held him tightly. I said, “Son, you don’t have to be scared of that, “I’ve seen Comic Relief and I reckon if it all does kick off, “I don’t think the Third World are up for it.” Don’t get me wrong, I do my bit for charity. My attitude to charity has always been, “You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, “but you teach a man to fish, you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?” Old northern proverb. We always get the blame. Parents have always got the blame. It doesn’t matter who they are. When Paris Hilton first hit the headlines my mate said, “I blame the parents.” I thought, “There’s so much you can teach a child, then they’re on their own.” You’re tucking your daughter up in bed, “There you go, lots of love, nightie night. “Don’t forget everything I’ve taught you in life. “Always say your prayers before bedtime, “always eat your vegetables and don’t forget, “always play out nicely with your friends. “All right, darling? Nightie night. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. “Nightie night. Go to sleep now. “(Go to sleep. Go to sleep.]” “Oh… one other thing… “When you grow up, “don’t fuck someone, film it and put it on the internet. “That’s it, blow the lightie out.” We don’t do the prayers thing. We’re not a religious family. We not anti-religious, we just haven’t made our minds up yet. The text of the Bible is a bit confusing and old-fashioned, because people don’t speak like that any more, do they? Like the Noah story. It rain for 40 days and 40 nights. People don’t speak like that any more. You don’t have to say both, or split them up. Why don’t they say, “It rained for 40 days”? We don’t need the full sentence. People don’t talk like that. On a Friday, you don’t say to your mates, “I’ll see you in a few days, and a few nights. What? “Nothing!” You don’t have to separate them. We’ll understand. If I said to you lot, “I haven’t slept for 40 days,” you’d rush me to hospital. If on the way, I said, “Obviously, I’ve been sleeping at night,” you’d beat the shit out of me. You’ve got to give them a good education, the kids, haven’t you? Got any students in tonight? [CHEERING] Up the top, with your hands up – What’s your name, madam? Are you the northern lady? Panicking because there’s someone educated in the building. “Student, run, she’ll try and talk to me!” God bless you for running like that. Everywhere else in the world, people walk out of theatres like this. One northern woman in the front, “I’m off! “I’m from up north and I don’t give a fuck!” What’s your name up there? Ian. What are you studying? Catering. Catering? Patisserie. Patisserie? Oh, you’re back, are you, madam? Just on time, we’re talking about pies. She’s northern! I meant pies, Northern, she’s from Wigan! No, I’m not. Where are you from? St Helens. St Helens? Ever meet anyone that’s so Lancastrian like you, it’s like you’re not playing at the right speed? [HE SPEAKS SLOWLY] “Do you mind, I’m from St Helens, not Wigan!” You’re supposed to be on 45, you’re playing it on 33. Play it properly, and just going to toilet. I’m from up north, and I don’t give a fuck! Oh, did someone say pies? Oh, fuck that. Hey, did someone say pies? Can you put it on 45? I’m playing at the wrong speed, Gromit. Good that you’re educating yourself, Ian, well done. That’s brilliant. You want to do something with your life and to educating yourself, and I commend you for that. Do you know where I studied, Ian? The University of Life! Know what I learnt there, mate? I learnt about pain and sorrow! I learnt how to survive off 10 quid a week or you go hungry. I learnt how to fiddle the gas meter otherwise you go cold in winter. I learnt misery and pain! I learnt if someone puts a knife to your throat at two in the morning, how you survive that situation. I learnt misery and pain and sorrow! Sorry, it wasn’t the University of Life, it was the University of Fife, sorry. It’s good you’re learning. Most kids don’t want to know anything. Kids don’t want education any more. They don’t want to go anywhere. All they want to do is sit in front of their computers. When we were kids, it was different. We used to have energetic games, didn’t we? Wasn’t it brilliant? Who here used to play Knock Down Ginger? It was great, wasn’t it? Driving round, looking for the ginger kid. There’s a whole family of them, Steve. Get on the pavement. I’m allowed to do jokes like that, by the way, because my wife’s ginger. Before you ask, she’s ginger upstairs and downstairs. It doesn’t matter what room she goes in, she’s fucking ginger. She can’t shake it off. It’s like a curse. Right, get back out again! What’s your name, mate? Pete. Pete? What do you do, Pete? Builder. Builder. Speed should have told me that. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sorry about this. Traffic, love. Not my fault. It was the traffic, love. Not my fault. It’s different when we were kids, wasn’t it? Simple games. Energetic games. Musical statues. Yeah? Dressing up games. If we were really lucky, Dad would combine both. He’d dress me up as a little girl, put some callipers on my legs, give me a money box and see how still I could stand outside the newsagent’s. My brother was down the road, dressed as a Labrador with a hole in his head. Simple, happy times! You’ve got to watch kids TV with the kids, right? They don’t watch what I want to watch. I don’t watch University Challenge any more. I’ve given up with it. Is it me or are the questions getting harder and harder with every series? It’s got to the point now, honestly, where I give myself a point if I understand what the question means. I swear to God this is true. I once shouted out, Henry VIII, and the answer was nitrogen. How is that possible? You’ve got to watch kids’ adverts with the kids. Kids’ adverts are mental. Cereal adverts. They break all the other rules of traditional advertising. What other product would say the following sentence as if it was a positive? “It even turns your milk brown.” Ooh, thank fuckety-do for that. That white stuff’s been doing my head in. You don’t get that with other products, do you? Benson & Hedges. Even turns your fingers yellow. Stella Artois, even turns your wife black and blue. I hate the hard sell. The worst one’s that barman. He does the drink and work campaign – he does the monologue. He does different characters and shows that bloke the problems he’ll have if he has that extra pint. You know the advert, the bloke stands there and goes, “What can I get you?” “Step out of the vehicle and blow into the bag.” “I’m sorry, son, it’s company policy. I’ve got to let you go.” “There’s only 20,000 miles on the clock but it’s my final offer.” “No licence, no job, no holidays, no home, no car, no running, “no jumping, no diving, no heavy petting. Noel Edmonds. Noel Gallagher. What are we going to do?” “What can I get you?” “I only wanted a fucking packet of pork scratchings!” If you want to watch proper mental television though, watch CBeebies. My kids are obsessed with CBeebies. There’s one woman on CBeebies they absolutely love. Right? It’s the women with half an arm. Do you know this woman? She’s brilliant, this woman. My kids love her, right. She’s the best… Honest to God, people complained about this woman. People of this country complained that that women shouldn’t be allowed on television because it’s scaring the kids. How wrong was that?! For those that don’t know the story, this woman’s got half her arm missing from the elbow down, right? I didn’t need to say the second half of that sentence! She’s got half her arm missing, right? You knew which half, didn’t you? Even the builder knew! You knew. It was the other half, didn’t you? In fact, it would be fair to say, if it was the other half, it’s probably fair that people are ringing in complaining it’s scaring the kids. Hello, boys and girls, what’s in my box today? Let’s have a look. It’s only my other half a fucking arm. Oh, Mummy, Mummy, she’s doing it again! People complain, saying she shouldn’t be allowed on television. How wrong is that? Politically and morally incorrect. She is genuinely the best presenter on CBeebies. My kids love her. Most importantly, if we get rid of her, I miss out on my favourite game of the day – making up stories to my kids about how she lost that arm. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say the little one has stopped picking his nose. I’ll tell you what else we’ve started doing – me and my wife – this weird thing. Nobody likes rowing in front of kids. It’s wrong to row in front of little ones. Me and my wife, for some bizarre reason, have started singing the row. This started about a year ago, right? We were on a train going to EuroDisney with the two kids. Suddenly, we broke down and didn’t move for two-and-a-half hours. It was stifling hot. Suddenly my wife turned round to me and went, # “Told you we should have got the plane.” # I said, “Oh no you don’t.” You said “Get the train.” I said, “Get the plane.” # “No, no, no. You’re doing it again, you see. # “You can’t fucking remember…” # “Don’t fucking start swearing at me, you know it fucking winds me up.” # “But now you’re fucking…” # “Don’t fucking tell me what the fucking…” # It’s like a musical version of Tourette’s in our house half the time. # “You said get the train” “Don’t tell me what I fucking…” # “What you fucking do is raise your fucking voice to me…” # “You said, “Get the train.” # “I didn’t fucking say get the fucking train. You’re just like your mum! # “Don’t bring my fucking mum into fucking this!” # We think the kids can’t notice. We look in the aisle. They’ve got top hats and canes and they’re going… # Dad’s such a BLEEP! He’s such a fucking BLEEP! # Thanks for coming out and listening to my new jokes. New tour. One joke – my favourite joke – hasn’t been working on the tour. I thought, they’re wrong, I’m right. OK. I think it’s a brilliant joke. No pressure then, Lee. I’ve always wanted to kidnap the ex-professional tennis player, Pat Cash. Just so, that after his family pay the ransom, I can ring them up and say, “Do you want cashback?” I knew that was all right. It’s all right, isn’t it? Yes. So, have you got any questions? Sorry, what was that? LONDON ACCENT: What makes you laugh? What makes me laugh? Someone who sounds like she’s working on a fruit and veg stall in the East End. Know what I mean, love? Know what I mean? I love it when someone’s got that Cockney accent. The more friendly they get, the more threatening it sounds. HE SPEAKS SOFTLY: “Hello, Lee, how you doing? You all right? Nice to see you. “How’s your mum, is she all right? “Good. It’s all you need, isn’t it? Your mum, yes, and your health. “How’s your health? Your health for her. “That’s all you need, your mum and your health and your legs. “How’s your legs? You got legs? Yeah. “Do you want to keep your fucking legs? Do you want to keep your legs? “How are you, Lee? Are you all right? “Yeah, anyway, I’ve got to go now. “I’ve got to build the wall. See you later.” Questions from the top. Quiet, please. I’m a bit disappointed… You’re a bit disappointed because of what? You haven’t spoken about your dead nan. I haven’t spoken about my dead nan. You’re disappointed. You sound like a really classy girl. What a great Scouse accent as well! I love it when someone’s so Scouse, they sound like they’re turning into a dolphin. Proper Scousers. Fucking hell! “Hey, you, are you Lee Mackkkkk? “Are you Lee Mackkkk-kkkkkk? “Are you fuckkkkkk? Are you fucking Lee Mackkkkk? “Hey, lookkkkk!” HE MIMICS A DOLPHIN “Are you kkkkkk? Are you kkkk? Are you fuckkkkkkk…? “Kkkkk.” MIMICS DOLPHIN “Fucking Lee Mack kkkk. “Kkkk.” [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Knock, knock. Who’s there? Me dead nan. Right, now shut up! Can I have your shoe? Can you have my shoes? What a very honest poor heckler. “Can I have your shoes?” # Who will buy my matches? # “Can I have your shoes, Lee?” What are you doing, you weirdo? Don’t try and steal my clothes. What are you doing? You were going to steal my jacket? You are the worst criminal I’ve ever seen in the world. You’re on the front row of an event that’s being filmed for television. How less a chance could you get away with that than that? Any questions from the back? What? Genocide. I’m getting the last word, which is genocide. Is everyone getting genocide? Are we all getting genocide? All I’m hearing is, “BER BER AWIGHT, genocide.” I don’t have the rest of the question but I’m guessing it isn’t actually comedy gold. Let’s go for it anyway. Genocide. What about genocide? Is it funny? Is it funny, genocide? I laugh my tits off at genocide. What’s there not to laugh about, about genocide? How many can you kill before it stops becoming funny? I think is what I’m saying. When I said any questions, I’m genuinely scared of getting back to my hotel room tonight. It’s like this is never going to end, isn’t it? “Lee, Lee! “It’s the madwoman. I am hanging on to your window ledge. “Can I have that jacket? Can I?” “I want his shoes. Can I have your shoes? “Can I have your shoes?” “I was here first, you bitch. I want his shoes.” “I want his jacket.” “Lee, ignore them two. Is it funny, genocide? You never answered me. “Is genocide funny? Is it funny, genocide?” I’m going, you’re mental. Ladies and gentlemen from Hammersmith, you’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you very much for coming out. Thank you very much. Good night.

1686242577-323

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JO KOY: LIGHTS OUT (2012) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jo-koy-lights-out-2012-full-transcript/

[hip-hop music] L.A., are you ready? [cheers and applause] Live from the Alex Theatre, give it up for Jo Koy! What? What? Oh, shit. Wow. We’re in Los Angel– This is why I love coming home to Los Angeles. This is my home right now, man. [cheers and applause] This is where we do it. Like, just look around, man. Everyone, just look at this, man. Like, we got every color of the rainbow in the theater tonight. That’s when you know you’re in L.A. I mean, we got–like, you can smell each race in here. You know what I mean? I can smell every– like, you can– There’s, like, some tortillas right around here. Chicken and waffles right around… Right around this area there’s a chicken and waffle… Some Filipino food all over the goddamn place. [cheers and applause] Is that–is that– How many Filipinos in here right now? Let me just hear how many Filipinos. [crowd cheers] Shit. That’s a lot of Filipinos. Somewhere in Glendale, there’s an empty hospital. No nurses working tonight. Nurses’ day off. Just doctors walking around, going, “Where’s Bernadette?” [Filipino accent] “She’s at the comedy show.” [chuckles] That’s how Filip– That’s how those Filipino nurses talk. Like, the ones that didn’t come to the show, the snitchy fuckin’ Filipino nurse. She’s pissed off that she didn’t go. All the other Filipino nurses came to the show. Now she’s telling the doctor, “She’s at the comedy show. “I was in the break room, “and her purse fall down, ticket fall out, “it says, ‘Jo Koy.’ “And she’s at the show, laughing, having good time.” If you’re not Filipino, that’s how they talk. My mom talks like that. Right? It doesn’t matter how exciting the news is, my mom’s face always looks depressed. Most exciting news in the world, depression on the face. “It’s your sister’s birthday.” “Your brother’s getting married.” “Oh, that sucks, Mom.” My mom would give the worst advice. The worst advi–That’s why I had to leave my mom. Worst advice. If I go to the bar, my mom’s the first one to call me and go, “Josep, are you going to a bar out there? “Are you going out there? To those bars? That bar?” “Yeah, I’m going to those bars, Mom, why?” “Which bar? Which bar, Josep? Which?” Like she knows all the fucking bars. “I’m just going to a bar. Why, Mom? Why are you call– I got to go.” “Well, because, Josep, the reason why I’m asking you…” That’s how my mom talks to me. She’s got to fucking sing. “Jo-sep, the reason why I’m telling you “why what bar is because there’s people out there putting drugs in the drinks.” “What are you talking about, Mom?” “Drugs, Josep, drugs. They call it ‘rupie.'” “Did you say, ‘rupie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘rupie.'” “You mean ‘roofie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘ru-pie.'” “Mom, why? Why are you talk–” “Because, Josep, what it is “is they put it in the drinks. And it’s a date rape drug.” “Mom, I’m all right. “I-I-I don’t think anyone’s gonna ‘rupie’ me. “So, thank you. I’m late, I got to go. Thank you for the advice, but, uh, I’m gonna be okay.” And then she gets mad. “Oh, okay, Josep, you know what? Then just go. “Go, Josep. “Go to those bars. “And drink several drinks. And put them all over the bar.” “Someone will put a rupie in one of those drinks. “You will drink it, fall asleep, you wake up, “they’re fucking your ass. “Fucking your ass. “And then you’ll wake up– ‘My butt hurt!’ You got rupied.” Just a side note, any guy that’s ever roofied a girl, you’re a piece of shit. That’s fucked up. Roofie a girl. That is such bullshit. You roofie a girl. Are you kidding me? That’s horrible. Don’t roofie a girl. This is what I do… Creepy guys, listen up. Don’t roofie a girl. That’s illegal. This is what I do. When you’re out drinking with a girl, all right, use the voice that she thinks she hears when she’s being roofied. It’s hysterical. She doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. Like, right when she takes a sip out of her drink, just look at her and go, [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?” “Wha–Wha?” “I said, ‘How are you feeling?'” “I don’t feel good.” “You don’t look good either.” [low chuckle] [chuckles] There are some guys here that are gonna try that shit tonight. I swear to God. You creepy fuckers. Don’t do it at the bar across the street, you’ll get caught. Buy a girl a drink, and look at her, and go, “How are you feeling?” And she’s like, “I was at that show, asshole.” – I was in my first earthquake. It was about– it was about four years ago or five years ago. It was with my son. It was the first earthquake I was ever in with my son, and, uh, it was so funny, ’cause he was sitting–he was sitting on the couch like this watching, uh, TV, right? And, uh, and I’d just got out of the shower and I’m toweling off. Now, if you’ve never been in an earthquake, it lasts maybe, what, three seconds at the most? But it feels like eternity, right? So I just remember– I’d just got out of the shower, and I’m toweling off, and then all of the sudden, everything starts shaking. Just… [imitates rumbling] I was like, “Oh, fuck, earthquake,” right? So I had to go get my son, and everything was like slow-motion, so I started running to the living room. It was like, [slowly] “Jo! “Jo! Jo!” Wet, naked. “Jo! Jo!” I came around the corner, and my son looked at me like this… “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” And the earthquake stopped, so I put him back on the couch, and I kissed him. I go, “I love you.” And I walk back to the room, wet, naked. And I was toweling off, and I started thinking to myself. I was like, “Should I tell him what just happened?” He has no idea what the fuck just happened. He was just watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and his wet, naked dad came running around the corner going, [slow] “I love you, Jo!” So I didn’t tell him. Fuck it, I’m gonna let it sit in the back of his head for the rest of his life. Every time there’s an earthquake, he’s gonna go, “Oh, shit! Do you see my dad? You see my dad?” [slow] “Jo!” If you don’t have kids, all right, they’re a joy. I love my son to death, man. He’s eight years old–he’s the love of my life, all right? But if you don’t have kids and you’re thinking about having kids, ’cause I know there’s some people in here like, “I’m ready to have a kid. I want to be a mommy,” and there’s some guys like, “I want to be a daddy.” Um, shut the fuck up. Shut up. No, you’re not. You’re not ready. Look at me. Look at this. Look! Take a close look. I used to have long, beautiful hair. It’s gone! Pull out. Pull the fuck out. It’s your only option. Use it. Pull out. This is all you got to do. “Ha!” Baby, no baby. Minivan, sports car. There’s parents in here too. I see you guys. You don’t even have to tell me you’re a parent. You don’t have to applaud. You don’t have to say shit. I know what a parent looks like. Parents recognize parents. We just know. When I said, “pull out,” there were some parents in here like, “Yeah, I should have.” Parents don’t want to go home. You guys are laughing and having a good time right now, but in the back of your head, you’re like, “Fuck… I hope he’s asleep.” And he’s not. He’s not. When you go home, they’re waiting for you. You know why? ‘Cause your babysitter fed him fucking Cocoa Puffs and chocolate milk for fucking dinner. So now they’re standing by the front door like fucking crackheads. And they’re always holding heavy shit for no reason. Just naked with a box of LEGOs. And then you open the door, “Daddy!” Go to sleep! My son’s got to tell me six hours’ worth of shit in two minutes. The minute I walk in, he’s got to tell me everything he did while I was gone. “Daddy! You’re not gonna believe this, “but I played NBA 2K11 in 3D, Daddy! “Blake Griffin dunked the basketball “and the ball came right at me, and I was like, “‘Oh, my God, that is so cool!’ “Daddy, I made a basketball out of LEGOs, “but Mommy said I can’t throw it in the house “’cause it might break a window! “Daddy, I tried Yoo-hoo for the first time. I like chocolate!” [cheers and applause] Love my son. Any new parents out there? This is my only suggestion, right now. This is the only thing I can give you as another parent is take a lot of pictures and take a lot of videotape– as much as you can. And actually, every time your kid goes, “Mommy, pick me up. Daddy, carry me.” Pick ’em up. Carry ’em. Don’t look at ’em and go, “You got legs, walk!” Don’t do that shit, ’cause they grow up that fast, and there’s gonna come a time where they don’t want you to pick ’em up anymore and you’re gonna miss those fucking days. I’m gonna hold my son till he’s 20. I don’t give a fuck. We’re gonna be at the mall, my son’s gonna be like, “Dad, this is ridiculous.” “Just hurry up and burp, son.” Take a lot of video. Capture every moment. It’s called evidence. Everything that makes your son cry or be sad, get it on tape. Use it against him. The worst day of my son’s life was his first day of school. He didn’t want to go to school. Kept crying till 3:00 in the morning. Crying all night, “I don’t want to go to school, Daddy! “I want to stay home, Daddy! I don’t want to go! “I’m a good boy! “I don’t even know those people, Daddy, “and you’re gonna make me go to school! “I don’t want to go! [whining incoherently] I want to stay home!” And I’m like, “Jo! “Go to sleep! “It’s 3:00 in the morning! “Go to bed! Baby, you’re gonna have fun in school. “You get to learn things in school. “You get to meet new friends in school. “You get to play with your new friends at recess. “You’re gonna have fun, baby. “Daddy’s gonna take you to school, so why are you scared? I’m gonna be there for you.” And then I was like, “Oh, shit, “I got to get the camera. I got to get all this crying on tape.” That way, when he gets older and starts talking shit, I got that tape. ‘Cause you know how little boys are when they’re 16. They talk shit to their dads. It’s like, “Dad, why are you a dick all the time?” And I go, “Really?” and I pop the tape in. “What about that, bitch?” But that didn’t happen. I brought him to his first day of school. My son grew up just like that, right before my eyes. Turned into a little man. Teacher said his name, he walked right past me. I tried to kiss him, he did that Matrix shit on me. Standing in the single-file line like this, holding his backpack. And these two little boys that obviously went to preschool together. They’re in the same class. They run up behind my son. “This is gonna be fun. “We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten. We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten!” My son doesn’t even know these kids, but he keeps looking at them, trying to engage in some type of conversation. Like, [childlike voice] “Yeah, this is gonna be fun.” “Yeah, I-I’m gonna be your friend.” [growls] “Look at my ting-ting.” [laughs] I’m across the auditorium, I’m recording everything, and he sees me. So I mouth to him. I go, “I love you. I love you.” And my son goes like this… What a dick, right? And then a teacher goes, “All right, we’re gonna take “the kids to class, and even if your kid starts crying, “don’t come with us ’cause we’re trying to break that bond. Parents, stay in the auditorium.” I go, “All right, now my son’s gonna cry.” Reality check. Daddy’s got to leave. So I run up to my son. I’m trying to squeeze one tear out of this fucker. I’m saying mean shit too, like, “Daddy’s got to go. That’s a lot of scary people here.” “Watch out.” My son goes like this, “So what, Daddy? “Just go. Get out of here.” And I was like this… [dejectedly] “Okay.” “You don’t–you don’t have to say it so loud. “I just want you to know I made you a sandwich “and I put Go-Gurt in your backpack, “and there’s a Capri Sun. “And if you’re still hungry, Daddy put $3 in your pocket “so you can get– I got to go. I got to go.” And I leaned in to kiss him like this and put his little baby hand on my face, just like that. So cute. And he goes, “Move.” He fucking pushed my face and walked out that door with those two boys he’d just met in line. And now they think he’s king shit ’cause he just bitch-slapped his dad. So I stopped him. You’re not gonna punk me. I don’t give a fuck if you’re five. I was like, “Jo, turn around. Daddy’s got to talk to you. Turn around.” He’s like, “What you want, Daddy? I’m with my friends.” His one friend’s like, “You okay, Jo?” “I got this.” “What you want, Daddy?” I go, “Baby, I just want you to know one thing “before you go to class, okay? “I just want you to know that I, uh… I could have pulled out.” “What are you talking about, Daddy?” “I’m just saying you could have ended up on a pillowcase or a shirt.” “Daddy, what are you talking about?” “I’m just saying, your mommy could have swallowed you. I’ll pick you up at 2:15.” I’m gonna tell you a story about Filipino moms and their sons. Now, Filipino moms do shit to their sons that may not be socially accepted in America, but I just want you to know, I’m okay. Now, I know that’s a creepy way to introduce a joke, but just believe me, I’m all right. Now, my mom was at my house when, uh, my son was about 3 1/2, 4 years old, okay? And he just got done taking a bath, and he’s like, “Daddy, I’m done taking a bath! Come and get me!” Right? And my mom was like, “Little Jo, I’ll take care of you. Come to Grandma! Come on, come to Grandma!” And my son was like, “Grandma!” And he jumped out of the bathtub– wet, naked– running to his grandma. “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” And he got right in front of his grandma, and my mom grabbed his dick and went, “I got your tite!” “Aah!” And he fucking ran. “Aah!” And I laughed. [laughs] ‘Cause she used to do that shit to me! I used to hate it when my mom grabbed my tite. And here’s the fucked-up part. My mom would get mad at me for getting mad at her for touching my tite. How fucked up is that? She’s like, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Mom! Don’t do that!” [offended gasp] “Why can I not touch your tite?” “‘Cause I’m 32!” I love her. I don’t know how my mom did it. You know what I mean? My mom’s amazing. You know what I mean? She had two kids that were living at home at the time when she was, you know, when she was single, you know? And she raised both of us, uh, really well. She was amazing. She became the mother and the father. And the reason why I tell you that is because she reminded us every fucking day. There wasn’t a day that my mom didn’t tell us that. Just me and my sister just playing in the room, playing around, and then my mom would just come into the room and go, “I just want you kids “to know one thing. “I’m the mother and the father.” “I bring home the bacon, and I cook that motherfucker too.” My mom was tough as shit. I dare anybody to fuck with my mom’s kids. Dare anybody. My mom was 4’10”. She’ll fight anybody. She didn’t give a shit. That’s how tough my mom was. I remember one time I was at a shoe store, and I was fucking up the shoe wall. You know, the shoe display wall? Fucking it up. Just putting shoes all over the place, right? And the salesman saw me and was like, “Hey, get the fuck out of here! Fucking up the shoe wall. Get the fuck out!” He’s cursing at me, right? He didn’t know my mom was in the back of the store. He couldn’t see her. She’s 4’10”! My mom popped around the corner, she was like, “Hey! “Who are you talking to? “You don’t talk to my children like that! “Who are you, huh? I want to speak to the manager!” And the guy started making fun of my mom’s accent. [mocking Filipino] “Oh, you want to spek-spek “to the manager? Huh? You want to tok-tok to the man-a-ger?” And my mom goes, “Oh, that’s funny. “You’re making fun of my accent? “I live in your country, and I speak two languages– “Tagalog and English. “You live here. How many do you speak? One? You’re stupid.” So the guy started cursing at my mom, right? He was like, “You know what? I don’t need to hear this shit. “Get the fuck out of my store! Take your kid and get the fuck out of my store!” Right? So my mom started cursing back, right? And I’ve seen my mom curse before, but we’d never seen her get into a curse fight. And when you curse, certain words go together, but my mom takes whatever curse words she knows and throws ’em at you. He’s like, “Get the fuck out of my store!” And my mom goes, “Oh, yeah? You son of a shit! “Fuck your pussy has a dick with shit in it and your pussy “has a mother, mothershit, you! Fuck your pussy, you!” I looked at my sister, go, “Did Mom just say ‘mothershit’?” If I lost something, I lost it. My mom would never help us find shit, right? Normal parents–normal parents help their fucking kids, right? Normal parents help. It’s like, “Okay, what? “Did you lose something? Your keys? “What? Was it in your pants? “Well, what jeans? Were you wearing jeans? Well, let’s look for those jeans.” That’s how you fucking help your kids find shit. Not my mom. If I lost something, I can guarantee my mom’s right behind me fucking with me. Right? She enjoys that shit. If I’m looking under the couch, I guarantee my mom’s right behind me like, “Oh, what? What? What? “What? What’s under– What’s under the couch, Josep? “Is it your keys? “Did you lose your keys again? Oh, maybe they walk under the couch like that?” Now I got to ask my mom for help. That’s the worst mistake I can make. “Mom, I’m late for work. Do you know where my keys are?” “Josep, did you just ask me where your keys are? “Isn’t that a stupid question? “That is a stupid question, Josep. “‘Excuse me, person that does not drive my car, do you know where my keys are?'” [laughs] “That is stupid, Josep! “Why don’t you ask me where my keys are? “I’ll know the answer to that. “Go ahead, Josep. Ask me! Come on! Ask me right now!” “Mom, do you know where your keys are?” [laughing] “Of course I do! “Of course I do, Josep! “I know where my keys are all the time. “You know why, Josep? “Because I put them in the same place “that I always put my keys. “I hang them over here, oh, on this wooden plaque… “that says ‘keys.’ “Josep, when you lose something, “do you use your eyes to look for it, “or do you use your mouth? “Because every time you lose something, Josep, “you use your mouth to find something. “You can’t find anything like that, Josep. “You just walk around, ‘Has anybody seen my keys? “‘I don’t know where my keys are. “I’m late for work.’ Open your eyes! Look for them!” My mom never hit us, and she never put us in time-out. She had something better than that. It was called lecturing. If I did something wrong, my mom had at least two hours’ worth of shit to say about it. And it would last so long that it would just–I would look at my mom and go, “Mom, just fucking hit me already.” “I don’t want to hear your voice anymore.” And if I did something wrong, it wasn’t because– like, if I got a bad grade in school– it wasn’t because I wasn’t studying, it was because I was trying to kill my mom. I was physically trying to kill my mother. You know what I mean? Like, my mom would look at me and go, “Josep, you’re getting a D in math? “Why? Why are you doing that, Josep? “I did not come to this country to give you a better education, “that way you get a D and not be successful in life, “and then you’re going to live in poverty. “That’s how I live in the Philippines. “I do not want you to do that, Josep. “Are you trying to give me heart attack? “I’m going to die, Josep. Why are you going to do this to me, Josep?” I’m like, “Mom, just fucking hit me. Hit me, Mom.” [laughs] The only time my mom ever got physical with me was at church. Weirdest place, right? Physical at church. And the reason why is ’cause when you’re 10, 11 years old, you hate church for the simple fact that you don’t– you got to sit there for an hour and a half on this wooden pew. And you got to sit there. When you’re 10, 11 years old, you don’t even have ass meat yet. It’s just bone on wood. That’s why kids move around so much, ’cause they can’t feel their asses anymore. And that guy won’t stop preaching. Just… [religious vocalizing] “Josep! Josep! “Sit up straight! “What is wrong with you? “Stop acting like this, huh? “I’m telling you, this is my last warning. “You better stop acting like this, I’m telling you. You will not be happy.” [religious vocalizing] “Josep! “Turn around! Turn around! “Sorry, sorry. “What is wrong with you? “Why are you acting like this? “You better behave, huh? “This is my last warning, huh? “I’m telling you right now, you will not be happy.” And I would taunt my mom, ’cause we were in church. I’m like, “What are you gonna do? Are you gonna– are you gonna hit me?” And my mom would take her fingertips, the tips of her nails, and she would grab a pinch of skin– You know what I’m talking about, right? And she would pinch so hard I could actually feel the nails touch inside of me. It would hurt so bad that I would lean in like this, “Aah!” And my mom would whisper in my ear, “Who’s laughing now?” – This is my 19th year in stand-up, and when I told my mom 19 years ago that I wasn’t going to college, she cried. Cried. “Why, Josep? “Comedian, really? That’s what you want to do? “There’s no–there’s no future in comedian, Josep. “There’s no money to be made in comedian, Josep. “What are you, a clown? “You’re going to be clown, Josep? “How about if you get sick, Josep? “There’s no health insurance. “There’s no health insurance if you get sick. “How are you going to pay the doctor? “Jokes? “‘Oh, thank you, doctor. What do I owe you? “‘Oh, really? Knock-knock.'” The one person that did believe in me–my Lola Tina. My grandmother, right? My grandmother passed away of cancer, uh, 19 years ago. Like, she passed away of cancer. And the cool thing about my grandmother is she fought that shit to the end. She was diagnosed with it, and she was supposed to go like that, and she ended up fighting that shit for five years, and we all– Yeah, it was amazing. [cheers and applause] It was a sad time, but it was a good time. You know what I mean? ‘Cause I got to– We all moved to Vegas. That’s why I moved to Vegas, is to be with my grandmother. And, uh, and it was a sad time, but it was a good time, because, uh, those times that I was with her, she would, you know– I got to meet my grandma. I got to know my grandma. She would tell me stories, and I would just sit there and listen all day. Man, she would tell me all kinds of stories, and I would just listen to her like, “Are you serious? “Really, Grandma? So she used to lose her keys too, huh?” Tough as shit, man– my grandmother was tough. And I know that’s where I got my funny from, my grandmother, you know what I mean? She was funny, and she would do it indirectly. Like, catch me off guard all the time. Like, I would take her to chemo, and we’re just driving in the car, and she’d be like, “Josep… Josep.” I’m like, “What, Grandma?” “I just want you to know that when I die–” I’m like, “Grandma, don’t say that. I don’t like it when you talk like that.” “No, it’s okay. “Why can I not talk about that? “I’m gonna go to Heaven. You don’t want me to go to Heaven?” One time, we were sitting on the couch, right? And my– and we’re watching TV. It’s a true story. This is so fucked up. She goes, “Josep. Josep.” I go, “What, Grandma? What?” She’s like, “I just want you to know that when I– when I pass away–” I’m like, “Grandma, please. Don’t talk like that. I don’t like it when you talk–” “No, it’s okay, Josep. “I am okay with it, you should be okay with it also. “But when I pass away, I just want you to know that every time you go to sleep”… “I’m going to be watching you.” “Sometimes I will tickle your toes, “and you’ll wake up, “and then you’ll look at your feet, and then I’ll go, ‘Ahhh.'” One time, I was taking her back, right, from chemo, and I laid her on her bed, right? I put her on the bed, and I go, “Lola, if you need anything, just call me. “I’ll be right here. I’ll take care of you, okay? Just call me.” She’s like, “Okay, Josep. Love you.” I go, “I love you.” And I started to walk out, and she goes, “Josep! Bless me! Bless me!” If you’re not Filipino, let me tell you what blessing is. This is what we do with our elders. When you leave and you say good-bye to your elders, this is what we do. Can you stand up? Just stand– let me touch your– get your hand, and you touch the forehead like that. It’s a sign of respect. That’s what we do. We don’t look at our elders and go, “Fuck you, peace.” We don’t do that. “Bye, bitch.” And then walk. We show respect. That’s what you do. And she was like, “Josep, bless me. You can’t leave without blessing your grandmother.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, Grandma. I’m so sorry. I’ll be right there.” And I go, and I grab her hand, right. And I go to touch my forehead, and before I touch my forehead, she grabbed my dick and went, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Fuck!” Ragh! Pretty sure that’s where my grandma– my mom got all, you know, her personality from. My mom is a spitting image of my grandmother. And it’s cool, I love it. Any time my mom needed to get her point across, she knew how to do it. ‘Cause I never listen to my mom. I always do that. You know what I mean? I just go, “Mom, are you serious? No, that’s ridiculous.” And I’d just walk away from her, and she gets mad, right? But she always found a way to tell me that I was doing something wrong, or she needed to show me, like, “Josep, you need to correct this. Here’s why.” Right? One time, like– I suffer from this thing called sleep apnea, okay? If you don’t know what sleep apnea is, just ask one of the nurses inside the building. They’ll tell you. It’s a form of snoring, only it’s worse. It’s worse than snoring. I choke when I sleep. And I’m loud. I’m so loud that I wake myself up. And you got to see the way I sleep. It’s disgusting. Like, this is what– this is how– This is what I look like when I sleep. [tries to snore through closed throat] Aah! Who is it? Who’s out there? – I didn’t know I had sleep apnea. My mom told me I had sleep apnea. I was asleep at her house about six years ago, sleeping in the guest room, the same way I always do, just like this– [choked snoring] And I woke up– [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed like this. “Oh, my God, Josep!” “You’re dying!” I go, “Mom, I’m not dying. I’m snoring.” “Josep, that is not snoring. You look like this”… “Josep, you have to go to a doctor and get that checked out. “I’m telling you, you’re going to die, “and I don’t want you to die, Josep, because I’ll die of heart attack if you die, oh, my God, Josep–” “Mom, I’m not gonna go to a doctor for snoring. How long were you watching me? That’s creepy.” And I kicked her out. “Get out of here! Get out of here, Mom!” “I’m sorry, Josep. “I did not mean to startle you. “It’s just that I was walking to the kitchen, “and I heard a noise coming from the guest room. “It sounded like… someone was killing a bear.” “And I was like, ‘I don’t have a bear.'” “So I opened the door, “and I noticed that it was just you, Josep. “Snoring. “So, I’m sorry. You don’t have to go to a doctor. “Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.” “And die.” So, I went back to sleep. Same shit. [choked snoring] And I woke up. [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed with a fucking camcorder. “I got it all on videotape!” “You fucking recorded me?” “Uh-huh, Josep, I put it on videotape. “That way, you can see what I’m talking about, Josep. “It’s not right. Watch the videotape. You’ll go to a doctor, Josep. Please watch it–” I’m like, “All right, Mom, I’ll watch the videotape! I can’t believe you recorded me, Mom.” “Just watch the tape.” “All right, put it in.” And she put the tape in. Before she pressed play, this is what my mom did. “Everybody, come downstairs! “We’re going to watch Josep sleep. It’s scary!” She pressed play. I watched it. It’s the creepiest video you’ll ever see. It’s shot in that– that black light. You know what I mean? Like, that surveillance-video shit. It’s pitch-dark in the hallway. My mom can’t even see herself. She’s just standing in front of the camera, and she’s documenting the whole thing like she’s– she’s on Discovery. “We’re outside my son’s room. “He says that– “that he is snoring, and I told him that he is not snoring. “So, I’m going to get this on videotape. “That way, he’ll see it, and then go to a doctor. Um, let’s take a closer look.” I watched the videotape. It’s horrible. It’s horrible. And I saw myself sleeping. I couldn’t believe it. I ended up going to a sleep center. I had to go there. They had to monitor my sleeping behavior. You know what I mean? The doctor put all these wires on my toes, these wires on my fingertips, this chest pad to monitor my heart. They put this crown on my head to monitor my brain waves. When the doctor put all that shit on me, he was like, “All right, you can sleep now.” I was like… I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me? I look like a Christmas tree.” But I fell asleep. I can sleep in any situation back then, man, and I fell asleep. The doctor let me sleep about 15 minutes, maybe 15 minutes. And he kicked the door open. Scared the shit out of me. Like, he literally kicked the door open. [imitates kick] “Get up!” I was like– [gasping] Piss. He goes, “How long you been sleeping like this?” I go, “My whole life.” He goes, “Holy shit!” He goes, “I’m surprised you’re not dead yet!” I go, “Why?” He goes, “You sleep like a 400-pound obese man.” I go, “Are you serious?” He goes, “Yeah, I’m serious. “We monitor how many times you wake up a minute. Want to know how many times you wake up a minute?” I go, “How many times?” He goes, “60 times a minute.” There’s only 60 seconds in a minute. That means I’ve been sleeping like this my whole life… Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! He wanted to perform surgery that week. He goes, “I want to cut your soft palate out “and your tonsils out. “That way you breathe better. You have a passage– an open passage for you to breathe better.” And I was like, “Well, how long is the healing process?” He goes, “About three months.” I go, “I can’t do that. I’m on the road every week. I can’t do that.” He goes, “Well, there is an alternative.” I go, “What?” He goes, “A CPAP machine.” Yeah. A CPAP machine. If you don’t know what a CPAP machine is– I have to wear this mask on my face, all right? These two straps go behind my head. It looks like I have a jockstrap on my face. This hose goes out into a machine, I press power, and it blows air down my throat. But when I wear it, I sleep like an angel. Just– [purrs] Every now and then, I’ll knock the straps off. [imitates snapping] It’s like a scene from Aliens. I don’t tell any girl about this machine until the first night we do it… ’cause if I tell her before, it’s a deal breaker. No girl is gonna sleep with a guy with a fuckin’ machine next to his bed. She walks into the room, and she sees that machine, she’s like, “What the fuck is that?” And I just look at her and go… [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?” I love you so much, you guys. Thank you. [cheers and applause] [hip-hop music] ♪ ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIMMY O. YANG: GOOD DEAL (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-o-yang-good-deal-transcript/

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage… Jimmy O. Yang! [CHEERING] [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can have a seat. Thank you, thank you so much. Where my Asian people at, Asian people? [CHEERING] Hey! You came out! We’re out here representing, man. I got to say, it’s been a couple of good years for us Asians, right? We had Crazy Rich Asians last year. That was a huge moment for us, yeah. Jeremy Lin won a championship… for doing nothing. He’s the first Asian kid to receive a participation trophy. We got to be proud of him, finally. It’s great, great couple of years, man. But this is recent history. I don’t know if you guys remember this. Just three years ago, there was a movie called The Great Wall— starring Matt Damon. It was a real movie. It was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English? I said, what the fuck is this? But you got to understand. I’m not mad at Matt Damon, OK? He’s an actor. That’s what he does for a living. That’s how he gets a check. I get it. If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore,… I would play the shit out of George Washington, you know what I mean? [CHEERING] No shame in my game. I’ll play George Washington Carver if they let me. That’s a black guy, by the way. I don’t know if you know. Gotta represent, man. I see a lot of people out here in the streets, they want to come up to me, but they’re not really sure. There’s a lot of debate amongst their friends. They’re like, hey, man, are you sure that’s him? If we go up there, we got to be sure. Because if we go up there and it’s not him, we’re gonna look super racist. Are you sure that’s not Ken Jeong? I don’t know. It looks kind of like Ali Wong. I don’t know. And they come up to me, it’s always like, the first thing they say, like, hey, hey, man, aren’t you that dude Jian-Yang from that show Silicon Valley? And I’m like, oh, thanks. Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I am. And then they’re like, oh, shit, I didn’t even know you speak English in real life! I’m like, it’s called acting, motherfucker. Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese? Like, what’s wrong with you? I don’t know what the disconnect is. Like, if a white actor does a British accent, he’s a thespian. He wins an Oscar. If I do a Chinese accent, I’m automatically from the old country. Representation matters, man. A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. They’re like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man. I’m like, eh, you’re welcome. But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right? Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, fuck it, I’m representing Nigerians today. I’m very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there’s so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. It sounds weird. That’s like a different conversation for some reason, you know? If somebody came up to me being like, hey, Jimmy, I’m representing for the whites, I would leave that town immediately and never come back. So much pressure to represent. I got to be a good Asian everywhere now. I got to tip everywhere I go. That was one of the major advantages of being Asian, is I could just pretend I don’t know how to tip. Y’all know what a Chinese tip is? Chinese tip, it doesn’t matter how big your bill is, you tip $2. That’s a Chi– That’s a Chinese tip, man. Now I got to tip 20% everywhere. I got to give every Uber driver five-star ratings just so I can be a good representative. Everywhere I go, I got to represent. Even day to day shit, even the bedroom I got to represent. After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me. She was like, Jimmy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever been with. I’m like, OK. What do you want, a fortune cookie? Like, wha–? Like, what do you want? She acted like she just unlocked a new character on Street Fighter or some shit. Why do you feel the need to say that? This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful. This is what she said to me after we hooked up. She was like, Jimmy, um, I’m just glad the stereotype’s not true. You don’t have a small penis. I’m like, bitch, you understand you just insulted my entire race of people? But thank you. First of all, thank you for thinking that I did have a small penis, and we still had sex. You’re the real MVP. You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss. Thank you. But that’s a fucked up stereotype, right? That’s not even true. That’s a fucked up stereotype. Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty. I don’t care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, how big your hands are. Everybody should start at average dick, 8 inches. And we go from there. There’s so much pressure, man. I feel like every time I have sex, there’s a billion Chinese people on my back just judging me. I gotta make sure I perform and represent, you know? I got to get them an extra pump for my uncle in Shanghai, an extra pump for my nephew in Hong Kong and shit. It’s like, oh, my god. That’s why you see old Asian people, they be walking like this, just like– (CHINESE ACCENT) It’s so much pressure. I love old Asian people, man. Yeah, yeah, old Asian people are the best. But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park? Like, it doesn’t matter which city you’re in, which park you go to, you wake up, 6:30 in the morning, you see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time, for like three hours. What the fuck are they doing? And my dad was trying to explain to me. He’s like, oh, they’re warming up to do Tai Chi. I’m like, for how long? And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself. So they’re warming up to warm up for nothing. And I think to a lot of Americans, like, people think that Tai Chi to some, like, exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art. No. Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise. Let’s not exoticize these things, you know? It’s actually super simple to do Tai Chi. I went to a park, watched those old people for like an hour, and I learned how to do Tai Chi. Very simple, all you gotta do is two things. All you gotta do to do to Tai Chi is pretend you’re wiping down a window and getting a blow job at the same time. You guys seem skeptical. Allow me to demonstrate. [CHEERING] It’s very simple. All you gotta do, you get it your little stance, right, OK? And then you wipe down a window. And now you get a blow job. Then you lift her head up, because you’re a gentleman, you know? That’s Tai Chi. [APPLAUSE] Thank you, thank you. Let’s not exoticize these Asian things. They’re just old people reminiscing about the days when they got sucked off. That’s it. You got to take advantages of all these, like, Asian stereotypes, you know? If people are just going to exoticize us, that’s fine. Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now. It’s like, hey, Jimmy can you help me move next Monday? I’m like, Monday? That’s the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba Festiva, dog. I can’t– I can’t just help you move. My grandfather died for that shit, you understand? And if people are just gonna assume that I don’t speak English, that’s fine. That’s what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops. I just pretend I don’t speak English. I haven’t gotten a ticket in five years. Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window. He was like, sir, you do understand you can’t make a right turn here? It says right there on the sign. You can’t make a right turn. So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh, I don’t know. I’m sorry, but-ah English not very good. So I cannot read-ah the sign. And he was really confused. He just looked back down at me. He was like, sir, the sign is not in English. It’s a diagram, so I don’t understand how that’s a language barrier? So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh… I don’t know. But do you know today is the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba– [APPLAUSE] You got to use it to your advantage, people. I’m very happy to be here, man. [CHEERING] Thank you. Oh, you guys don’t have to– thank you. Thank you for all your support. It’s been great. It’s been really great. Like, I’m finally– I’m like quasi-famous now. Nothing’s really changed. I might get a free appetizer at select PF Chang’s. That’s about it. Nothing’s really changed. I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago. This is a true story. But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder. Like now, when I do match with a girl, she doesn’t believe that it’s me. Like, ew, that’s not you. You’re not that guy from this thing and that thing. I’m like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile? You gotta dig real deep to use me, man. I feel like there’s so many better choices out there. One time– one time, my agent told me that I had a good look. And I’m like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that. But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good-looking. I still don’t know what the fuck it means. And look, I’m not being self-deprecating, OK? That’s Hollywood talk. I don’t listen to that shit. I understand that, in real life, I’m like super good-looking– if you’re into anime. You gotta get in where you fit in, people. One time, I went over to the girl’s house, she has this, like, Naruto anime poster in her bedroom. I knew I was fucking that night. You got to know your demo, people. Asian people, we don’t need Tinder anymore. We just go to BTS concerts. That’s how we do that parking lot pimping. I’ve been dating a lot of tall girls lately, because it makes me look successful. No, no. I think tall women are beautiful. But some of them like to wear heels. That’s just disrespect. Like, you’re already five inches taller than me. Why the fuck are you wearing heels? She’s like, it makes my ass look better. I’m like, your ass is at my eye level right now. Neither of us look good, OK? I look like a child, and you look like a child molester. Last time– the last time I took a tall girl to this concert– I don’t know if you guys know this, but apparently, tall people have fun at concerts. Are you guys aware of that? I’m 5′ 5″. I just go to concerts to smell other people’s armpits. I’m like what the fuck’s the point of this? She was having the time of her life, doing whatever tall people do at concerts, you know, jumping around, obstructing other people’s views, seeing everything. I was frustrated. I had enough. So I just looked up at her, I was like, hey! Pick me up. This is bullshit. I paid for these tickets, OK? I want to see Billy Eilish, too. Come on. I know I’m becoming an adult finally, because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV. That’s the greatest show of all time. You guys watch it, Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper? It’s a great show, right? It’s a great show. Like, it’s really a beautiful relationship. Joanna does all the interior decorating, and she brings in all the furniture and makes the house look amazing. And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him. It’s the most symbiotic American relationship ever. And it’s a really nice show. It’s a feel-good show. It’s an aspiring show. You watch the show and you’re like, man, one day, maybe my house could look that nice– if I moved to Waco, Texas. If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen. I don’t know about you guys. Shit is expensive where I live in LA. And I watch this show and I just get frustrated. Because you get, like, these like, entry-level-job-having people in Texas. And they’re like, Joanna, we’re looking for a six bedroom house on three acres of land and our budget’s $50,000. Bitch, I can’t even buy a crack house in Compton for $50,000. HGTV is just basically “MTV Cribs” for adults. Because when you were 15, you had crazier dreams, you know? You watch “MTV Cribs,” and you’re like, oh, man, one day, I hope I can have a Lamborghini. One day, I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades. And now, you’re like 35, your dreams just get a little more realistic. You’re watching HGTV, and you’re just, like, oh, man, one day, I wish I could just fix this roof. Look, I’m doing, like, fine by any measure, you know? But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment because that shit is rent-controlled. And when the Asian people, when we find a good deal, we’re never letting that shit go. -Yeah. [APPLAUSE] That apartment is about to be generational. It’s gonna get passed to my nephew, his kids, and all that. It’s mine now, basically. I don’t want to buy a house. I live by myself, and I’m scared of ghosts. I’ve seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses, not one bedroom apartments. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies to know that ghost only haunt rich people’s houses in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby, because they got way too much to lose. Shit is high stakes. I live by myself. I ain’t got nothing to lose. A ghost come haunt me, I just move. Worse comes to worse, I lose my security deposit. Fuck it, you know? What’s a ghost gonna do? He’s gonna follow me from unit to unit, start knocking on my light fixtures and shit. I’m like, hey, dog, go ahead. It’s not even mine. You fuck around, we both get evicted, OK? Like, you don’t want to be a homeless ghost. And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost haunts an apartment? That means that ghost probably died in an apartment. He didn’t even die a homeowner. I ain’t got no respect for that shit. He comes haunt me, I just start talking shit to him. Like, hey, dog, what was your credit score when you died, though, like, for real? For real. I was born in Hong Kong. Any Hong Kong people? A couple of us– awesome, man. For you guys that haven’t been following the news, Hong Kong is a part of Japan. I’m joking, obviously. But I said the same shit in Kansas City, and people were like, really? Wow, we learned something new today, Bill. I did a show in Kansas City. I don’t know why either. People are very nice in Kansas City. I’m not gonna say, like, they’re racist or anything like that, but they’re just, like, curious. Like they’re watching me like they’re watching an episode of National Geographic. And a pack of giraffes just ran by, and they’re like, oh, I’ve never seen one of those in real life. It looks majestic. This one kid in Kansas City came up to me after the show, very nice kid. This is what he said. He was like, ah, Jimmy, thought you were really funny, man. I don’t mean to offend you– that’s when you know you’re about to get offended. He was like, I don’t mean to offend you, but when I first saw your poster, I thought you were gonna play the violin. I was like, I do, motherfucker, just not right now. Shit. [APPLAUSE] I keep it a secret. See, I gotta say, I got some of the nicest crowds in the business. I rarely ever get heckled. And one time I was talking about how I used to play the violin. An old Chinese lady sitting in the front, just stood up and screamed out, first chair or second chair? [APPLAUSE] And I was like, thanks, ma’am, fifth chair, actually, fifth chair. I wasn’t– I wasn’t very good. I wasn’t good. I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong. Like my real name is not even Jimmy. That’s my English name. My real name is Man-Sing. In Cantonese, [SPEAKING CANTONESE]. It stands for 10,000 success. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. I had very ambitious parents. And now I’m telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, so– Jimmy was just kind of like an arbitrary English name that just sounded easy. And my dad, he named himself Richard. I was like, Dad, why’d you name yourself Richard? He was like, because I want to be rich. It makes so much sense. And then they named my older brother Roger after the James Bond actor Roger Moore. Yeah, but my brother hated that name. He was like, man, it makes me sound like an old white guy. So eventually he changed his own name to Roy. So now he sounds like an older white guy. And now his full name is Roy Roger, which is the oldest white guy to ever white. I grew up very stereotypically, man. I didn’t play basketball or football. I grew up playing ping pong— competitively! That was a serious national sport back home, man. You know, I didn’t go to any, like, fun summer camp, space camp. My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Gwangju, China. I almost died. It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team. It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles. We took that shit seriously, though. My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game. And he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game. But you know, Asian parents, they’re way too honest. So every pep talk just turned into an insult. Like, he would come up to me, be like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy. Jimmy. You’re going to play well, OK? Even though you slow, even though you weak, and you suck. And then he would just walk away. I was very good at math. That’s a big Asian stereotype. I think there’s some truth to that. Not because of some weird genetic thing, just because our parents cared so much more about mathematics and academics. You guys seen it. You guys seen those, like, Kumon Learning Centers in those strip malls, right, right? Kumon Learning Centers, for you guys that don’t know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children. You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo. Because it’s supposed to be a smiley face, but it’s not really smiling. It’s just like, meh. My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon. They got a different strategy. They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function. That’s an old school Chinese strategy. So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion. It was basically my Quinceañera. My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus. [CHEERING] And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, you’re a woman now, OK? But when you’re a kid, when your parents tell you you can’t do something, what do you do? You rebel, right? So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother’s calculator. I stole Roy Rogers calculator, and I locked myself in my room. And I started rebelling. I started doing math homework. Other kids were, like, fucking around with, like, alcohol and drugs. I was fucking up some parabolas, you know? Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers. I was like, oh, man, this feels great, you know? It’s so wrong. It’s awesome. My dad was pissed. He was knocking on the outside of the door. He doesn’t like locked doors in the house. And he was screaming. He was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside? Come out right now. I know you’re in there using a calculator. Come out right now. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. And he unlocked the door, and he came in. I went into full panic mode. So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants. I was like, Dad, I was just jerking off. And he came in, and he looked at me. And then he looked at the math homework. And he was like good, good, very good. Very good, very good, you must really like math. That’s good. Keep it up. Because there is nothing, there is nothing that will make an Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework. I grew up very stereotypically, man. But all these things– playing the violin, being good at math, my names– those things weren’t stereotypes when I was growing up in Hong Kong, because everybody was Asian. Everyone was good at math. It didn’t become a stereotype until I came to this country when I was 13 years old. And I automatically became the weird foreign kid. Like, I didn’t really even know how to speak English. I learned English how you guys will learn Spanish, just on paper. But if I would have dropped you off in Mexico when you’re 13 years old, you would’ve died. I was a very confused kid, man. The first day of school, everybody was standing up, putting their right hand on their chest, doing the Pledge of Allegiance. I didn’t know what was going on. I was like, did, I just join a cult? First day of school, this girl came up to me. She was like, hey, what’s up? I didn’t know what that meant, so I just looked up. I was a very confused kid. All these little customs, I wasn’t used to. Like the first day of PE class, first day of PE class, we had to change into our gym clothes. I’d never done that. Everybody was wearing boxers, and I was still wearing tighty-whiteys. And this kid, this bully next to me, he was being real mean. He was like, hey, look, the Asian kid’s wearing tighty-whiteys. That’s gay. And I was like, oh, really, is I what it means? I had no idea. And then I put on my gym shorts, but my mom had bought me gym shorts that was my exact size, an extra small. So that wasn’t very cool, because it came down mid-thigh. And apparently back in the day, that was called a John Stockton. And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me, he was like, hey, hey, look at– don’t wear your pants like that. Pull your pants down, man. Pull your pants down. And I was like, who’s the gay one now? But I didn’t know what to do. Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept saying pull your pants down. So I was like, oh, shit. I’ve seen Shawshank Redemption. Maybe this is just how it works in America. So I start pulling down my shorts all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle. And that same kid, the bully next to me, is like, hey, what are you doing? Don’t pull them down all the way. That’s gay. And I’m like, what is not gay in this country? And apparently this other kid next me, he’s like, hey, don’t pull them down all the way. Just sag them a little bit. Just sag your pants. And I didn’t know what sagging your pants meant. Apparently, that’s a cool, hip hop thing, to pull your pants down halfway down your butt so you show everybody you asshole. And apparently, that’s the only not gay way to wear your pants in America. [APPLAUSE] I had no idea. All these weird American things I wasn’t used to. Eventually, I learned how to speak English by watching a lot of TV, mainly BET Rap City. Because that was my shit. I want to be cool, and nothing cooler than BET Rap City, right? Every music video was a slice of somebody’s American dream. The first music video I saw was Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'”. You guys remember that shit? Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” was the greatest music video of all time. It was Jay-Z and his boys on a yacht pouring champagne on this beautiful woman’s face for, like, four minutes. I was like, this is America? It’s amazing. That’s all I wanted to do. Like before I even wanted to get into stand-up, that’s all I want to do. I want to be a rapper. I want to be like Jay-z in “Big Pimpin'”. So I started my own rap group in high school. This is a true story. It was me, my black friend Julian, and my other friend Yugi, who was half black and half Japanese. So we are perfectly 1 and 1/2 black dudes and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes. And we called ourselves The Yellow Panthers. I know. I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group. And we had a real rap song. It was called, “Underground Railroad Builder.” [APPLAUSE] I was confused. Eventually, I became a good Asian-American, and I went to school to get an Economics degree. Because that was the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents. But then after I graduated, I didn’t want to do, like, econ or finance. So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad, I don’t want to do any of this. I want to go try and do stand-up. He was like, what’s a– what’s a stand-up? You mean like a talk show? I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it. But I want to go pursue my dreams. And he was like, no. Pursue your dreams how you become homeless. I was like, no, no, Dad, Dad, it’s– things are different now. We’re in America, OK? In America, we’re supposed to do what we love. He was like, no. Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love. [APPLAUSE] That’s that old school Chinese mentality, right? See, I’m like first generation. But my parents, they’re like negative 9 generation, because they’re so frickin’ Chinese. Like, it’s really hard for me to watch TV with my dad, because he’s trying to make me explain everything to him. First of all, old Asian people, they don’t watch TV. They judge the TV. This is like, I’m just sitting next to my dad on the couch, and he’s wearing his, like, old Asian man costume, which is just a wife beater and tighty-whiteys. He’s just sitting there, arms folded, judging the TV like– [APPLAUSE] [GRUNTS] [COUGHS] He’s made some random noises around the house. Now whenever he sneezes, it’s never just a sneeze. It’s like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after. It’s just like, achoo! Oh! Ay, shit. [APPLAUSE] Oh! I’m like, what the fuck, Dad, just have an orgasm? What was that? And he doesn’t understand what I’m saying half the time. He’s like, oh, there’s an orgasm. OK, the orga– orgasm. And he’s trying to make me explain everything to him on TV. Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music video to an old Chinese man? We’re just sitting there. My dad was like, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy, what it mean when he say Lamborghini Mercier? What’s that? And I’m like, Dad, he’s bragging about his car. It’s a Lamborghini Mercier Largo, a very expensive car. You know what that is, right? And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. That’s when you know they have no idea what the fuck you just said. He was like, OK, OK, yes, yes, a Lamborghini, OK. Jimmy, what he mean when he say, your chick, she so thirsty. What’s that? And I was like, shit, um– Dad, he’s making fun of somebody’s girlfriend, OK? It’s saying, like, she likes attention from other guys, and she likes to do sex stuff with them, you know, like, blow jobs and such. And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. Yes, blow jobs, OK. Mm. [CLEARS THROAT] Jimmy, Jimmy. I’m thirsty, too, OK? So– I was like, oh, god, no. No, it got lost in translation. It’s disgusting. I don’t know if you guys know this, but I came from an acting family. But it’s not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight. I guess I would be Angelina Jolie in that equation. My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did. Because he was like, it’s so easy, you can do it, I can. I’m like, Dad, fine, if you think my life’s so easy, why don’t you go to some open call auditions and you’ll understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job. He was like, OK. And he went to all these auditions, and he started booking everything. It’s a true story. He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called “Little Daddy,” “Xiao Baba.” Half a billion people watch that show. It’s like the Big Bang Theory of China, and Richard blew up. And he was like, this is easy. I don’t know. [APPLAUSE] My plan completely backfired. And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, and she will call the house in LA. And she’s like, congratulations, Richard, you’re such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act? And he’s like, no, no, I’m a natural. Oh, that’s very good, you and your son, same busyness, you know? You two are very funny. He’s like, no, no, Jimmy is not funny. I’m like, Dad that’s bullshit, OK? You got one good role, good for you. I’m happy for you. But you’re not a real actor yet. Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh. Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera? He was like, yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong. Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem, because I was raised by Asian parents. My dad’s not even the worse. My mom’s much worse. Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies? Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face, as if they’re trying to do you a favor. I go to my mom’s house, the first thing she says, she’s like, Jimmy… [MANDARIN] Ai-yah. [APPLAUSE] Why is your face so fat? Your clothes look homeless. And your hair, ai-yah, it’s gay. Sometimes it’s like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom, you know? Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know? Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn’t buy shit she needs. She just buys shit because it’s a good deal. I brought– one time, I brought a full price shirt home, $20. And she was like, was it full price? No, it’s a bad deal. I was like, Mom, it’s only 20 bucks. She’s like, yes, $20, if you’re stupid. She goes to Ross and she freaks out, because everything’s a great deal. She’s like, Jimmy, you should buy this. You should buy– this is a good deal. This is a good deal. I’m like Mom, that’s a double XL shirt, OK? And it says Obey on it. I’m not gonna fucking wear that. And she’s like, it’s OK, 50% off. Some day it’ll fit, OK? If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right? You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, because you know everyone’s getting a great deal. Nobody’s getting ripped off. You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life. [APPLAUSE] We don’t believe in that shit. Look, there’s nothing wrong with Whole Foods. Matter of fact, it’s too nice. And Asian people, we don’t like to pay for atmosphere. Have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store? It’s a fucking zoo. You walk in there, there’s just a frog jumping from one aisle to the other. There’s a piece of fish still flopping around on the floor. Half the place place is an aquarium. I don’t know why you ever pay for kids to go to SeaWorld when you just take them to the Ranch 99 for free. [APPLAUSE] That’s a good deal. That’s a great deal. Asian people, we don’t buy organic shit. We don’t believe in organic labeling. We better still see it swimming or still walking. That’s organic to us. That’s the only way we know. All my friends in LA, all my hipster friends, they’re like, Jimmy, you gotta eat organic, man. This regular stuff you eat, they have growth hormones in them. It’s gonna fucking kill you. I’m like, really, growth hormones? Wait a minute. You’re trying to tell me I’ve been eating growth hormones all my life, and I’m still 5′ 5″ and I shop at Gap Kids? Get the fuck out of here. I’ll pay extra for growth hormones. Get me to the GMO only section, you know? All this organic stuff in America is getting out of control. It’s not just organic food. You got like organic bed sheets, organic hand soap. I don’t know about you guys, but growing up in my very Chinese family, hand soap wasn’t even a thing. Hand soap used to be that piece of crap leftover soap that my dad’s been washing his balls with for two months. And he just puts it on the soap counter. You walk by, you rub your two fingers on it for good luck. That was– that was hand soap. Nobody got sick. It was fine. Once in a while, you got a piece of pubes. So what? You deal with it. Now hand soap is so fancy, it’s got its own aisle at the grocery stores. Because it’s not about washing your hands anymore. It’s a status symbol. We go to our friends’ house and judge how well they’re doing but what kind of hand soap you got. We’ve all done this. You go to your friend’s house, he’s got that green bar soap that says Zest on it. That guy’s a fucking peasant. Don’t associate yourself with that kind of animal. He’s gonna ask you for money, you know what I mean? And then next level up, you got like the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish or the watermelon on it, you know? I like that family. That’s the backbone of America. It’s the middle class Honda Civics of soaps. [APPLAUSE] Hardworking, American family, man, I appreciate that. And then next level up, you got a soap that’s so fancy it doesn’t even dispense soap. It dispenses foam, which is just soap filled with air for an extra $6 a fucking bottle. Because as an American society, we decided we’re way too good to rub our own two hands together to create our own foam, and rather outsource that foaming action to some poor Chinese kid in Gwangju, China to pre-foam it for us. Make America foam again, people, OK. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. My mom eventually caved in and she bought the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish on it. But she’s so Chinese, she’s been watering it down for six years now. And now it’s just a bottle water with a fish on it. It doesn’t do shit. Because it’s a good deal. I know I make fun of my parents, but at the end of they day, I love them very much. I think we all do, right? But Asian people, we don’t ever say I love you to each other. That’s just not our thing. One time, I got high and I called my mom. I was like, Mom, I just– I just want to tell you, Mom, I love you. And you can hear her start, like, crying on the other side of the line. She was like, oh, Jimmy, do you have cancer? We just got different ways of showing love. Like when I see my grandmother, I don’t give her a hug. I just give her a solid handshake. We’re not about that hugging. And Asian grandmas, they’re the best. You give her a handshake, she’s like a vending machine. You give her a handshake, out comes a red envelope. [APPLAUSE] And you gotta pretend you don’t want that shit. You’re like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, please, please. OK, thank you. [APPLAUSE] That’s just how we show love. My dad still calls me like 20 times a day just to check up on me. It’s annoying, but I understand that’s how he shows love. I was talking to my friend here, and he was like, oh, I haven’t talked to my dad in three weeks. I’m like, what, is he in jail? He was like, no, I live with him. I just haven’t talked to him in three weeks. I’m like, you do understand, if I don’t call my dad back in three hours, he’s going to call 911. 911, what’s your emergency? My son is dead! It’s like, sir, is everything OK? Is your son dead? He’s like, no, but he’s dead to me. OK, bye. [APPLAUSE] That’s just how we love. My parents, they’ve been married for 38 years. Yeah, 38 years. It’s beautiful, man. It’s beautiful, 38 years. One time I asked my dad, I was like, Dad, after 38 years, do you still love Mom? And he was like, (LAUGHING) love? Your mom married me to escape communist China. It’s not love. It’s a good deal. [APPLAUSE] That’s how we show love, people. [SIGHS] I’ve been in this country for almost 20 years now. I think I feel every bit American. But I think other people still don’t see that. As an Asian-American, a lot of times, people see you as Asian before they ever see you as American. Even still till today, whenever I tell people I’m from Hong Kong, this is always the first thing they say. They’re like, oh, yeah, you from Hong Kong? Yeah, yeah, dude, from Hong Kong, yeah? Ni Hao. I’m always like– Like, do think that’s impressive or something? I don’t understand the mindset behind that. You coming up to me to say, ni hao, it’s like me coming to you guys after the show, I’m like, oh, you guys from here? Yeah, y’all from here? Hi. It’s not impressive. It’s annoying. It’s stupid. I don’t even like going to Chinese restaurants with some of my friends anymore. Because this is what they do to me every time. They’re like, Jimmy, do you speak Chinese? Do you speak Chinese? Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro. They’re gonna hook it up. Order in Chinese. Bro, bro, order in Chinese, bro. I’m like, bro, we’re at Panda Express. [APPLAUSE] She’s Mexican. Like, what–? Her name tag says Consuela. That’s not Mandarin or Cantonese. Nothing has really changed, you know? Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip to Tijuana, Mexico. Because that’s just what a good American college student would do. And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don’t check anything. They’re just a big revolving door. You walk right in. They don’t even check your ID. It’s easier to get into Mexico than a Costco. You just walk in. And that’s it. But coming back was a totally different story. Coming back from Mexico to the US, there’s no more revolving doors. Now it’s a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M-16 machine guns. And I was super nervous, being an immigrant and all. And my college buddy, Ian, next to me, he was like, Jimmy, don’t worry, man. Just tell him that you’re American. They let you right through. I’m like, easy for you to say, Ian. Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem. I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they’re like, sir, are you an American citizen? I was like, yes. But I forgot one very minor detail– that I wasn’t. I was still an immigrant on a green card, and I wasn’t a full-on citizen yet. Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, and they started interrogating me. They’re like, sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship? I was like, I’m so sorry. I’m drunk and I really wasn’t trying to lie. My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that’s just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction. He was like, well, was he American? I was like, well, his name is Ian, so probably. And then the officer was like, sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense. We could deport you for this. I was like, deport me? I didn’t even know that was an option. What was I going to do back in Hong Kong, restart my ping pong career? That ship has sailed, man. So I was like, sir, please, please, don’t deport me. I’m just a drunk, stupid college. I’m every bit American. I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to. I’m in three fantasy football leagues. If that’s not American, I don’t know what is. And I got very lucky. This is what he said. He was like, look, kid, you got lucky. We’re not gonna deport you today, OK? But just don’t ever do that again, or we’ll send you back to where you came from. And this motherfucker was Asian. I was like, where I came from? We came from the same place, dog? I think I saw you at my uncle’s wedding two years ago. Why you gonna throw me under the bus? That guy definitely watched The Great Wall many times. But that was a very sobering experience. I had been in the country for 10 years at that point, but I still wasn’t American. Nothing has changed. I finally got my citizenship three years ago. And it’s– [CHEERING] You don’t have to clap. My point is, nothing has changed. Still Asian. Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is gonna come up to me and be like, hey, look, there’s an American! Holy shit, look at him. He looks just like Rocky Balboa. Oh, my god. No, no, no. The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic. So I went to my local Hooters. Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light. I was watching a World Cup. It was USA versus Mexico. And I was like, man, I’m cheering for Team USA. I’m American, finally! And this old Mexican dude came up to me. He couldn’t really speak English, and this is what he said. He was like, amigo! Amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh? And I’m like, what the fuck are you talking about? What, are you trying to start World War 3 or something? I’m not a Korean. He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew. So I really felt the need to explain myself. I was like, sir, I’m not– I’m not Korean. I’m Chinese. And he looked back to his friends, he was like, oh, [SPEAKING SPANISH], huh? And I’m like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, OK? I have Mexican friends back home just like you. He was like, no, I’m not Mexican. I’m El Salvador. And I’m like, oh, great, now I’m the fucking racist! [APPLAUSE] Nothing has changed. The first time I used my American passport, I was feeling real good. I was going to Winnipeg, Canada to do some shows. Have you guys even been to Winnipeg? [CHEERING] Oh, you, really? Are you guys from Winnipeg? No, just general Canadian pride, I appreciate that. I don’t think anybody in their right mind would go to Winnipeg. Not that– there’s nothing wrong with that city. It’s way too cold and it’s just not that fun. I had to go there for some work, so whatever. But I felt good. I walked through the border. I was holding my blue passport, and I slammed it down in front of the Canadian border patrol. I’m like, I’m American, sir. And he’s like, OK. I didn’t ask you that, but OK. Are you here for business or pleasure? And I was like, shit, I didn’t think that far. I was obviously there for business, but I didn’t get a business visa. So I looked him in the eyes. I was like, sir, I’m here for pleasure. And he looked right back at me. He was like, are you sure? Because nobody comes to Winnipeg for pleasure. The next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box. Nothing has changed. [APPLAUSE] I was hanging out with Julian not too long ago, 1/3 of The Yellow Panthers. We were just in LA on Melrose getting some brunch. And that’s how you know two minorities had made it– avocado toasts. We’re just chilling, minding our own business, right? And this old man came up to us, old guy. He’s wearing a hat that said, Vietnam and Korea War vet. I was like, damn, this guy really hates Asian people. Like, he survived us twice. I better be careful. But he was actually a really nice guy. He was a really nice guy, complete stranger. And he came up to me and Julian. He was like, guys, what you guys are doing right now, it’s exactly the Civil Rights that I fought for in the ’60s. Keep it up. And he just walked away. I was like, what the fuck? I didn’t know there was a Civil Rights march for avocado toast. I was unaware. And Julian was like, no, no, no, no, no, he’s trying to say that he fought for the right for an Asian man and a black man to hang out in public with no judgment. That’s beautiful, right? I was like, no, he didn’t. Jackie Chan fought for that shit in Rush Hour 1, 2, and 3, OK? [APPLAUSE] Because representation matters. That’s how we do change. I just want to see more Asian people out there doing their thing. Don’t listen to your Asian parents. Go pursue your dreams, you know what I mean? Go do your thing, man. I just want to see more Asian brothers and sisters on TV. Like look, there’s nothing more American than NFL Sunday, than football Sunday. But you don’t ever see one Asian person. You don’t see one Asian person in the NFL. I mean, we got that kicker, Younghoe Koo, you know? But he gets cut every two weeks. So that doesn’t– I can’t go buy a new Younghoe Koo jersey every two weeks, you know what I mean? But what frustrates me, it’s even in the commercials. Even in all the football commercials, you never see one Asian person. Like all these great beer commercials, you got everyone. You got like, even like dumb commercials with, like, a white guy climbing a Rocky Mountain for Coors Light. It’s not even a good commercial. They don’t even sell you on how good the beer is. They sell you on how cold it is. It’s like brewed cold, packaged cold, shipped cold. I’m like, isn’t it ultimately up to my own refrigeration, sir? Latinos got great representation, the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World. That lasted like 15 years, one of the greatest commercials of all time. So I wrote own version of it. It’s called The Most Asian Man in the World. You got an Asian actor on screen, an announcer in the back, and the music starts playing. [MUSIC PLAYING] “He graduated with a law degree, but now he’s a neurosurgeon. He’s 52 years old, but everyone still checks his ID. Whenever he takes a picture, he throws up the victory sign.” You guys every realize, the closer the victory sign is to you face, the more Asian you look? Like, this is normal. This is some Mainland China WeChat shit, you know what I mean? [APPLAUSE] That is some– [MUSIC PLAYING] “He is the most Asian man in the world.” And the Asian brother comes out. (CHINESE ACCENT) “I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, my face turn red. Stay thirsty, my friends.” Thank you guys very much. [CHEERING] You guys are amazing. Thank you. [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] (SINGING) Let’s get wild tonight. ♪ Turn the fuck up We’re going out tonight ♪ ♪ I’ve been waiting all my life ♪ ♪ Every time I go out, I think I found my wife ♪ ♪ I can’t help but turn down the lights ♪ ♪ I’m gonna take some down tonight ♪ ♪ This shit is so hot ♪ ♪ That’s what it’s sounding like, like you want ♪ ♪ to fuck around tonight, bitch ♪ ♪ I want you in every way ♪ ♪ The passion burns and it goes both ways ♪ ♪ When we’re not together, I’m in pain ♪ ♪ The mightiest ocean couldn’t put out this flame ♪ ♪ I think she’s coming with me ♪ ♪ You wanna say bye but she leaves ♪ ♪ Wanna say bye but she leaves ♪ ♪ Tears drop like autumn leaves, tear drops, tear drops ♪ ♪ You better make time to breathe, yeah ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RUSSELL PETERS: DEPORTED (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-peters-deported-transcript/

[TYPING] [CHEERING] NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s start time at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium. And right about now, we’re going to bring you the brother that gave you, “somebody going to get a hurt real bad,” “be a man,” “take it and go.” One of “Rolling Stones” 50 greatest stand up comics of all time. Let’s bring him on right now, the brownest working man in show business, Russell Peters. [CHEERING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Hey! Hello Bombay buggers. What’s happening? I know it’s going to sound strange, but it’s good to be home. I mean, although I was never born and raised here, but I still feel at home. I feel like I don’t have to do things that I have to do back home to keep up with white people. I can just be a comfortable brown man here. Fuck it, I don’t even have to put on deodorant over here if I don’t want to, because it’s not stopping you, you know what I mean? [LAUGHTER] Give it up for Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen. [APPLAUSE] So we’re back in the motherland. How you doing, buddy? You OK? He must be good. He give me, like, the sharp one. That’s how you know you’re really fucking good. It wasn’t even multiple, just one. What’s your name? Preag. RUSSELL PETERS: What? Preag. That sounds like before ugly. I am pre-ug right now, 10 more years, full-ug. [LAUGHTER] How you doing, buddy? Good? You chose to look like a sperm tonight. I see that was your– that was a choice you made. [LAUGHTER] How did you get here? [LAUGHTER] That’s why traffic doesn’t bother him. I was around a million others. That’s an awful outfit. Pre-ug, actually ug. [LAUGHTER] OK, let me tell you what’s been happening with me since the last time I saw you guys. I don’t know if you know this, it’s been a few years since I’ve been here. But since the last time I was here, I got fat. And– fuck you. I– here’s what happened, I was like my regular kind of fat. You know what I mean? Like, that kind of fat when you look at me and you go, you know, Russell, if you would just run, like, once. That’s the problem with being Indian, we get fat. We’re born skinny, that’s the real problem. We’re born skinny. We’re naturally a skinny race of people. And we’re born skinny and we stay skinny. We don’t have to work hard to be skinny. We could be skinny and eat whatever we want and stay skinny. And then we never go to the gym because we’re skinny, we don’t need to. And our parents don’t encourage you to go to the gym. You’re like, dad, I’m going to go to the gym. What’s in the gym? Do they have studies in the gym? No, you’re not going to the gym. You stay home and do your studies. And because you never tone up, you stay this, like, really smushy kind of skinny, you know. And you eat whatever you want your entire life. And then at 30, you’re Indian genes kick in and go, OK, party’s over. And then you just get fat, and it’s, like, a fucking awful fat that we get. And that’s what happened to me. I mean, I’m much older than that now. But I got like a weird kind of fat. I was like my normal fat and then I woke up one morning, I was like, [POOF]. I was like, I’m bloated. I figured I would pee it out, I would sweat it out, I’d be fine the next day. Anyway, cut to a year and a half later and I’m still [POOF].. And I go, something’s wrong. So I go to the doctor. I go, doc, I got fat. He goes, yes. I said, thanks, asshole. I didn’t come here for confirmation. I came here to find out why I got fat. He goes, well, why do you think you’re fat? I said, because I have a mirror. And I walked past it naked the other day and I thought somebody else was in my room. I was like, on my God, who fat, hairy ass is that? Turns out it was my stomach. It was– And people on the internet were calling me fat. You guys are dicks, by the way. You say whatever you want to us on the internet. And if we respond, we’re assholes. So we just have to take the abuse. But sometimes I get mad when people say things to me on the internet. Not because of what they said, more so because it’s probably something I would have said. And then I’m mad that my own words are getting used against me. Like, I posted something for this TV show I was on. And somebody goes, holy shit, did you eat your whole cast? And I was like, damn it, I would have said that to. I probably would have said that too. And then somebody posted a picture with me, and somebody commented and went, Russell Peters, looking thicker than a snicker. I got mad at that because I love a good rhyme. Thicker than a snicker, that’s a good one too. It’s not a fair way to describe a human. I think thicker than a snicker is a great way for me to describe my penis. I think it’s a wonderful way to describe it. So Russell, tell me about your penis. Well, it’s thicker than a snicker, equally dark and vain texture, packed with nuts, and it satisfies. [LAUGHTER] So I said to my doc, I said, doc, it doesn’t make sense that I should be getting as fat as I’m getting. He said, why not? I said, because I don’t eat crazy, and I train jujitsu every other day. He’s like, huh, how old are you now? I said, 48. He goes, and you’re Indian? I go, yeah, but– He goes, and you haven’t had a heart attack yet? He goes– I said, no, I haven’t had a heart attack yet. He goes, all right. So he takes blood and I leave. Calls me back in three days later. I go back in, he’s like, hey, I got your blood back. I know what’s wrong. I go, what’s wrong? He goes, it’s your thyroid. I go, what about it? He goes, you have an underactive thyroid. I go, so what does that mean? It means it’s not doing enough. I said, I understand what the fuck underactive means. He goes, then why did you ask? I said, how is it affecting me? He goes, the thyroid is making you fat. I go, the thyroid is making me fat. He goes, no, you’re doing things too, but the thyroid is really helping. I go, so what do we got to do? He said, we’ve got to speed your thyroid up. I said, let’s get that bitch moving, right. So it’s been a year and a half now and I lost 24 pounds from it. But it wasn’t me, it was the medication. It’s not me. And I’ve lost– like my body’s in much better shape than it’s ever been, but my fucking head is fat as shit. And I don’t know– I don’t know how to– I look like a fucking thumb. [LAUGHTER] Do you know how hard it is to lose a fat head? It’s almost impossible. I used to box. There’s tricks when you want to lose weight from your body in boxing, you could put on a garbage bag and you go sit in the sauna and you sweat it off. Let me give you some friendly advice, you can’t do that with your head. I know, I found out the hard way. I was like, you know what, I got this. I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw it over my big stupid head. I’m not an idiot, I cut a hole from my nose. It was a substantial hole. And I went sat in the sauna. But I forgot when you have a larger nose and you inhale, you tend to suck up more than the average human. And I took a deep breath in the sauna and sucked up the plastic bag. And my friends thought I was trying to commit suicide in the dumbest way possible. But when I got fat, I got like a weird kind. Indian people, we get the worst kind of fat. Like, it just goes everywhere. Like, white people, do you ever see white Americans when they get fat, it’s just bam, a belly. And you can’t tell from behind. Hey, look at the white guy. He turns around and, like, hello. But Indians, it just shows up in the weirdest places. Like, I started to grow tits, but not in front, on the side. I don’t know what the fuck they were going, but– [LAUGHTER] I was growing side tits and they were like arm rests. I was walking around after a while, I was– It was like I was going to go into a pool with some floaties on the whole time. And then I was getting a fat back. That was a weird thing to get. It was like fat on my back. I would sit down and my fat back would hang over the chair and. I’m like, what the fu– I would grab it and go, this feels nice. But not on me, I don’t like this. And then I had a chunk of fat, like a big– like, right here– a big, huge clump of fat. Like, when a woman gets fat here, it’s called a gunt. Because it’s a gut right above her– you know I mean. So it’s a gunt. And I guess when I had it, it’s a gock. I guess it would be a gock, I guess. I don’t know. Literally for a year and a half, I didn’t see my penis. I would have to lift it up to visit. You still there, buddy? OK, good. And I’d rest it. Don’t worry, the sun will shine one day. So my doctor says, hey, what else is wrong with you? I go, what do you mean what else is wrong with me? He goes, look, you’re a 48-year-old Indian man. I’m like, that’s really fucking racist, but since you asked, I have acid reflux. I don’t know. Does anybody else– who else has acid reflux in here? First of all, you’re lying to me right now. Because there is no way you can be Indian and not have fucking acid reflux. It’s inevitable. There’s no way you can consume the food that we eat with that much spice, and that much oil, and that much butter, and not just have it burn a hole in your– as my dad would say– your esophagus. What? Son, it’s burning your esophagus. Dad, I want to assure you I have no phagus in me. No, no, son, esophagus. I don’t care whose phagus you think this is. There’s no way you don’t have acid reflux. I’m looking at all of you, especially all the pudgy guys. You know exactly who has it. You got it, don’t you, yellow guy? You do, do you. He’s like, I know, I have it, but I don’t want to say because my shirt looks like turmeric, so– I’ve had acid reflux my entire life– my entire life. And I remember being six years old– and here’s the worst thing about having acid reflux, it’s triggered by food. And when you grow up in an Indian house and your food is Indian food, and this food triggers your fucking acid reflux, and you can’t eat Indian food anymore, you’re a piece of shit. Like, I remember going to my mom, mom, I can’t eat Indian food anymore. Mom goes, what? Do you realize people in India are dying to eat this food, literally dying. I said, mom, do you understand that I’m dying if I eat this food? Literally dying. I was six years old, I remember this clearly, I was six years old and I remember burping and fire shot up my chest and flames came out my nose. And I remember clearly because there was tears coming down my eyes. And I remember going, I’m crying and I’m not crying, I’m very confused. And I go to my mom, I go, mom, mom, it’s burns when I burp. My mom goes, what? I said, it burns when I burp. Oh my God, it burns when he burps. Oh my God, son, OK, do this, don’t burp. [LAUGHTER] That was your big piece of advice, mom? I’m like, I’m serious, mom, it’s burning. She goes, OK, OK, yeah, yeah, here, drink some milk, drink some milk. I drank the milk, nothing. Mom, it’s still burning, never mind. Dad, dad, it’s still burning. My dad goes, OK, OK, see the yogurt on the table? Eat the yogurt. What? Eat the yogurt. What do you mean eat the yogurt? Son, it’s a fact. What’s a fact? If you eat the yogurt, it will cool you down. You’ll feel better. How is that– It’s a fact, son. How is that a fact? Son, do you even know what yogurt is? Yogurt is a probiotic. When you get sick, what does the doctor give you? Antibiotic. [LAUGHTER] Dad, I’m six years old. I don’t know what a fucking biotic is. Son, one is for biotics and one is against biotics. I said, I still don’t know what a biotic is. Son, just eat the bastard yogurt. I go, why? Because why do you think Indian people keep yogurt on the table when we eat food? To help your digestion. I said, OK, now that makes sense. So I grabbed a bowl of the yogurt. I start eating it, Well, fuck me in the eye, there’s chilies and onions in the yogurt. Why? Why did we spice the yogurt? That’s what triggers the burning. And Indian parents will become racist at the drop of a dime. I go, dad, why did we spice the yogurt? He goes, how else are you going to eat yogurt? Plain? We’re not white people. I said, dad, that’s really racist. Is it racist or is it a fact? How is that a fact? Son, what color is plain yogurt? [LAUGHTER] What does plain yogurt taste like? Nothing. What is the contribution from white people to the food of the world? Nothing. It’s a fact. So my doctor says to me, hey, I just called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby and I got you an endoscopy appointment. I go, what? He goes, when was the last time you had an endoscopy? I said, never. Let me tell you something, doc, I’ve never shoved anything in my ass. He said, what the fuck are you talking about? I said, doc, I’m not an idiot, all right? I know what an endoscopy is. It’s in your end -os. Copy. He said, no, you fucking idiot, it’s in your mouth. I said, hey, yo. It may be in your mouth, doc, but it ain’t in my mouth, bro. I mean, what you do outside of here is none of my business, man. That’s why I like my doctor because he swears at me when he talks to me. I trust him for that reason alone. I don’t trust people that don’t swear. People that don’t swear, you’re hiding something. There’s something wrong with you. You probably touch kids. I’m telling you, there’s something wrong with people that don’t swear, there’s something wrong. They’re hiding something. And people that don’t swear act like they’re better than you. Because they go out of their way to let you know they don’t swear. I don’t know, I just find better ways of communicating than using foul and obscene language. It’s like, [GIBBERISH]. You keep an eye on those people. They’re hiding some– there’s something really dark going on in their head. They’ve got some dark, dark secrets and they don’t want you to know about it. You see them, the people that are too nice, they’ll be too friendly, too polite, you know. They got dark stuff going on in their head. They’ll be like, well, the wife and I had a lovely dinner with you all tonight. We hope you all have a wonderful night of digestion. We’re going to reconvene to the bedroom and at which point in the morning, we’ll collect again and enjoy a delicious breakfast together. And at which point we shall discuss the night’s events. With that, I wish you all good night and pleasant dreams. And they go to the bedroom and he closes the door. And he’s like, all right, honey, shit on my chest. Because they got dark, dark things going on in there. Here’s the good news, I swear I’ll never shit on your chest. I like how uncomfortable that made all of you. I’m just trying to do the math on the shitting on the chest, it’s– what is the purpose of this? My doctor says, listen, I called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby and I got you an endoscopy appointment. I go, when? He goes, right now. I go, so what do I gotta do? He said, you got to go downstairs to the lobby and go to the clinic. And I go, and when is this going to happen? He said, right now. I said, OK, so where is this going to happen? He says, at the clinic in the lobby. I go, no, no, on me. He goes, oh, in your mouth. I go, so what’s going to happen in my mouth? He says, they’re going to give you an endoscopy. I go, and it just takes place in my mouth? He goes, yeah. I go, they’re not going to touch my asshole, are they? He said, do you want them to touch your asshole? No, they’re not going to touch your asshole. I said, OK, doc, I just want to confirm that this procedure is strictly in my mouth. He goes, that is correct. I said, OK, I’m going to go. But I swear to God, doc, if they try and touch my asshole, I’m coming back up here and I’m fucking you up. He goes, go, you idiot. So I go. Now here’s the problem, my doctor knows me. He knows what kind of person I am. He knows I’ve been a comedian for 30 years. He knows how my brain works. He knows how I have no filter. See, comedians look at the audience, we look at you guys and go, those are civilians. You guys are civilians. You know how to do this, sit around each other and be normal. Just sit around and go– I don’t– I don’t have that fucking filter. I have to– as soon you see– as soon as I walk out– [GIBBERISH] But these people in the clinic don’t know me like that, so I can’t go in and be me. So I have to do my impression of how I think you would handle this situation. So I walk up to the clinic and I’m like, hi. I’m here for my endoscopy appointment. It’s in the mouth. She goes, yes, sir. We know where it is. Please come around. OK. So I walk around and she hands me a hospital gown. And says, OK, sir, just go down the hall, take off your clothes, put this on, and we’ll get started. I said, uh– um, I think there’s a misunderstanding here. My doctor upstairs, he told me that this procedure just takes place in my mouth. She goes, that’s correct. I go, oh, well, then hang on to the gown. Let’s just go get started. She goes, no, no, sir. You have to– you can’t have your clothes on when we do this procedure. I said, that doesn’t make any sense. Because if it’s just my mouth you need access to– [AH] I’m not fighting you on this. I’m not even blocking my mouth. I’m here to help. Pick a chin, which one do you like? I’ll hold it down for you. She’s like, sir, it’s policy that you cannot have your street clothes on when we do this procedure. I said, you know, it’s funny you should say that, because I, too, have a policy. And my policy is that I like as many layers as possible protecting my asshole at all times. She said, sir, would you just go put the fucking gown on. I said, whoa, you swore. All right. So I go down to the change room. And I’m standing there and I’m buck ass naked, right? And I start getting really paranoid about my ass. And then I get a brilliant idea. I take the hospital gown and I put it on backwards. Smart, right? Right? To protect it. But then I look down, my dick is just swinging, just like– [LAUGHTER] Look, it’s my story, I’ll make my penis as big as I want it to be, all right? It’s India. You’re all, like, come on, bro. That’s not even believable, OK? Not even on a humid day. It’s true, it was cold in there too, you know, I just– You know what I mean? It was embarrassingly small. It just looked like three coins and a mushroom cap. It was just terrible. It was the worst. Oh man. You know what I mean, you know what I mean, right? You know what I mean? Have you ever had it shrivel up so much that you bend forward and it inverts. You’re like, hey, where did my dick go? You’re like dick, no dick, dick, no dick. My black security guys never get that joke. I don’t get it. If I bend forward, the motherfucker hits the floor. [LAUGHTER] So I’m like, well, this is embarrassing, so I put the gown on the right way. And I walk back in the room. And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, just hop up here and we’ll get started. So I hop up on the table, but I put my ass right against the wall. Because like I said, I train jujitsu. If you want to come at me when I’m on my back, it’s your funeral, not mine. And she goes, all right, sir, just so you know, during this procedure we’re going to be putting you under using propofol. I said, wait, wait a minute, propofol? Isn’t that the shit that killed Michael Jackson? She goes, yes, yes it is. I go, what do you mean, yes, yes it is? Why are you so happy about this? It killed the biggest pop star of my lifetime and you think it’s just OK for me to take? She said, sir, Michael Jackson was having an improperly administered. I said, Michael Jackson was having many things improperly administered. But wasn’t his doctor’s name Dr. Conrad Murray? Yes. Wasn’t he a doctor? Yes. Well, what’s your title? I’m an anesthesiologist. I said, look, I don’t care what your zodiac sign is, all right? I don’t even know what month that is. She said, sir, my job is to make sure you go to sleep and wake up. I say, [MOCKING GIBBERISH]. I said that is a fine answer and I will accept that. She goes, great. Please lay on your side. I said no, no, no. Why? Why do I got to lay on my side? I lay on my side, you knock me out, you lift up the dress, you flip up a butt cheek, you start stuffing me like a turkey. I’m not falling for this trick, lady. She said, sir, you need to lay on your side because when we give you the propofol you’re going to pass out and you’re going to fall over. And when you fall over, you could hurt yourself. So to avoid any injury, you need to already start on your side. I said, that is a fair answer. She goes, great. So I lay on my side, but I tuck my ass in real tight on the wall. And she goes, why don’t you count down from five with us? And I go, all right. Five, four, thwump. Out cold. I don’t know if any of you’ve been put under at the doctor, but– Sir, have you been put under at the doctor? You’re an older gentleman. I mean, not older, but you know, you’re not these fucking kids, you know what I mean? What’s your name? Sandeep. And how old are you Sandeep? 48. 48, we’re the same age. Same shit. And have you been put under at the doctor? I got an endoscopy. RUSSELL PETERS: You had an endoscopy? “Endo-scope-y.” He had the “endo-scope-y.” And I had the endoscopy, so I think– [LAUGHTER] Do you know if they gave you propofol when they put you out? No. RUSSELL PETERS: No, they gave you the cheap shit? Did they knock you out when they did it? AUDIENCE: No. No? All right, Sandeep, open wide. [YELLING] Really? You were awake? Yeah. Why didn’t you spend the extra $10 and get the fucking med? [LAUGHTER] Is it even possible to do it when somebody is awake? Oh my God. It’s ironic because all the doctors in America are Indian. [LAUGHTER] And then in India, they’re like, fuck it, we don’t need all these fancy tricks. Open wind, Sandeep. Were you 1970 or ’71? ’71. RUSSELL PETERS: ’71. So you’re a year younger than me. But you know what’s– you know what I’m not looking forward to, next year I’ll be 50. And uh-uh, because you know what happens at 50. They’ve got to go with the old– [WHISTLING] You know? [SQUEAKING] You know what I’m talking about? [BAA-ING] [MOO-ING] I’m running out of noises, Sandeep, all right? Sir, how old are you? Huh? AUDIENCE: 60. RUSSELL PETERS: 60. Did you have the old [WHISTLING]?? Not yet. You haven’t done it yet? What the fuck are you waiting for? You’re 60. You gotta get your shit checked. Here’s the thing, when I turned 40, it’s when you were supposed to do it back then. And then for some reason as I turned 40, there were like, no, no, it’s 50 now. And I go, yes. And I was like, I got 10 years before they’re going to shove a hand up my ass. And I figured in that 10 years, they would come up with some sort of technology. Because in those 10 years they got a fucking Rover to Mars. India’s got one circling Mars. The Chinese have got shit on the moon. And no, 10 years later, still [AH].. I’m still puzzled that you were awake when this shit happened. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that would have been. Yeah, they knock you out and they give you propofol. Let me just too you something about this propofol shit. It’s incredible. I get it, Michael, I get it. It’s an amazing drug, and I’m not a drug guy by any means. It’s not even my thing at all. I drink a little, but that’s about it. You know, but people come up to after the shows all the time and say, hey, Russell, you– [SNIFFING] What? You do blow? What? Coke? You do cocaine? Do I fucking look like I do cocaine? If I’m doing cocaine and my face is still this fat, I’m doing cocaine wrong. [LAUGHTER] Hey, give me another line, yeah. Aw, oh! No, I don’t do cocaine. Have you seen the size of my nose? You can’t afford to do cocaine with a nose this big. You go broke after one try. Wouldn’t be able to do lines, I’d have to do lanes. It’s not a reasonable drug of choice. [LAUGHTER] Then why are you always sniffing? I’ll tell you exactly. I’m aware that I sniff a lot. And I’ll tell you exactly why I sniff. I used to box. And when I was boxing, I broke my nose. But I didn’t know I broke my nose, so it never got fixed. And of course I would’ve broken my nose. It’s been literally 30 years since I’ve broken my nose, but I didn’t know. Because I thought a broken nose looked like a broken nose. I thought it was like the guys in my gym where there was nothing then a nub. And they’re like, what’s up, champ? I didn’t know. I just thought I was a bleeder when I would get punched in the face. Last year is when I found out. I went to the doctor last year, because I was having trouble breathing. I go, hey, doc, I’m having trouble breathing. He goes, what’s the problem? I go, like, one nostril works and then the other one doesn’t. And then when the other one stops working, the other one starts working. It’s like there’s a flap in there. Like a train, you know, local, express, local, express. He goes, have you ever broke your nose? I said, no. He said, you sure? I said, doc, I’m not an idiot. Pretty sure I’d know if I broke my nose. He said, didn’t you tell me you used to box? I said, yeah. He goes, so wait, you used to box and you never broke that? I said, doc, I never broke my nose. He goes, wait, hold on a second, you’re trying to tell me you were so good at boxing that you managed to avoid breaking the biggest fucking thing on your body? I say, I’m telling you, I never broke my nose. He goes, if you never broke that fucking nose in boxing, you should have a 10 world titles by now. I said, I never broke it. He goes, lean forward, you fucking idiot. So I lean forward. He goes like this, yeah, your nose is broken. I go, how do you know that? He goes, because I’m a doctor. Yeah, but how can you tell? He goes, because it’s not connected. I go, if it’s not connected, why didn’t it fall off? He goes, you’re a fucking idiot. He goes, look, nobody’s nose should move around like this. I shouldn’t be able to move it around, and double click, and order shit off Amazon from your face. This is not a normal nose. I go, that’s a broken nose? He goes, yeah, what did you think it was? OK, don’t judge me, all right? This is actually what I thought this was. And understand I’ve been a comedian for 30 years and I have a creative mind. Here’s really what I thought this was. You know how humans– this is how you know it’s going to be dumb– you know how humans are an ever evolving species? Like, if you looked at humans from 10,000 years ago, you go, what the fuck were those? Well in 10,000 years, those humans are going to look at us and go, what the fuck were those? Well, so because of evolution and my own ego, I thought that I was evolving at a faster rate than you. [LAUGHTER] And that my body, to accommodate the larger nose, had developed some sort of joint hinge system in here to alleviate the weight. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. He goes, you’re fucking retarded. I said, doc, you actually cannot say that anymore. What? That you’re fucking retarded? Yeah, you can’t say retarded anymore, doctor. No, I can say it. No, you can’t, because it’s offensive to people. I’m not talking about anybody else, I’m talking about you. You’re a fucking retard. And I go, no, doc, you can’t say retard or retarded at all anymore. He goes, I’m not talking about anybody, I’m talking about you. And as a matter of fact, I’m putting it in your notes. I said, you’re putting in my notes that I’m a retard? He goes, no, I’m putting that you’re a fucking retard. He goes, lean forward. I lean forward. He goes, let me show you something. I lean forward. He goes like this. OK, now breathe. And I go [TAKES BREATH]. Oh, that’s amazing. What did you do? He goes, I attached your nose. [LAUGHTER] This is awesome. He goes, I can fix it and you can breathe like that for the rest of your life. I was like, yes, please, let’s do that. He goes, you’ve got to make an appointment and then you need three weeks where you can’t fly. Well, I don’t have three weeks where I can’t fly so I haven’t had it fixed yet. But now I’m scared to get it fixed in case I end up looking like a pig. And then all my Muslim friends don’t come and see me anymore, because they’re like, he looks like a pig, we cannot go see him any longer. [LAUGHTER] I do this out of respect for my friends. Let’s get back to this propofol. Sandeep, you got to get this propofol. You’ve just got to go back and tell them, listen, I think you need to check again and give me some goddamn propofol. Because if they give me the bullshit stuff you wake up feeling kind of groggy. Propofol, not at all. I literally woke up like this, whew, let’s do this. She goes, we’re done, sir. I go, you’re done? [LAUGHTER] How long was I out for? Two or three hours? She goes, 15 minutes, sir. I said, in 15 minutes I could have saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico. She said, you can go get dressed. So I go get dressed and I come back in the room. And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, we’re all done here. Just so you know, in about an hour, you’re probably going to notice you have a bit of a sore throat. I said, what the fuck did you do to me? She said, sir, it’s the most common side effect. You know, we shoved a tube down your throat which may cause some irritation or some swelling. About 98% of the patients will suffer from that. So if and when that happens, just take an ibuprofen and you’ll feel better. I said, are you sure that’s all you did? She said, I’m positive. I said, you didn’t touch my asshole, did you? She said, what? I said, what? And I walked out. [LAUGHTER] An hour goes by and then two hours goes by and I go into a panic because I do not have a sore throat. I’m like, oh my God, I’ve got the throat of a gay man. [LAUGHTER] Somewhere out there is a gay guy going, oh my God, these dicks are killing my throat. And here I am with all those wasted talent. I could have been guzzling dick all day. [GIBBERISH] I’m the envy of a community. Is that your wife with you, Sandeep? AUDIENCE: Yes. – Hi, wife. How are you? Do you guys have kids? How many? – Two. RUSSELL PETERS: Two. Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl? – Boy. Boy and girl. One of each. Are you happy with that? Absolutely. [LAUGHTER] Is that the reason you went dry on the endoscopy? Because she was like, if I’m going to squeeze children out of here, you’re going to take a dry endoscopy. [LAUGHTER] My advice to anybody if you’re going to have kids, have a daughter. Daughters are the best. They just– [APPLAUSE] They really are. I have my daughter and I have a son. He’s a month and a half old. He’s brand new, so he’s not very smart yet. But I don’t think he’s going to get much smarter. He’s not– boy, he’s dumb. Boy, this kid’s fucking dumb. Like, you know when they’re that small, like, everything is a tit that comes to his face. You know– I go to kiss him, he’s like– Hey, fuck off, that’s my nose, get out of here. You ever get a nipple this big, you need to check the check, because that’s something weird going on there. [LAUGHTER] My girlfriend’s Mexican. And I didn’t realize how Mexican she was until she went into labor and they broke her water and candy fell out of her. Do you realize my son is Mexican and Indian? He’s going to be able to engineer the wall. [LAUGHTER] And hop it. He’s going to steal your laptop and fix it. It’s going to be an amazing thing to see. How old are your kids? 22 and 19. RUSSELL PETERS: 22 and 19. Man, you did all this shit young. That’s crazy. I mean, that’s great. I did it way too late. You think about it, I’m 49. When my son starts walking, we’re going to be walking the same way. [LAUGHTER] I waited too long. Do you remember your first pregnancy? You remember it clearly? Do you remember how many months it took you before you started to show? Probably about four to six, maybe? Yeah, it’s usually about that, right? Four to six months on your first pregnancy, the woman starts to show. My girlfriend, she started the show after one month. It was like, [DOOM]. I’m like, what the fuck is going on? How many? How many? How many motherfuckers are in there right now? I took her straight to the doctor. I need to know many heartbeats you hear, doctor. How many heartbeats do you hear? There was just one, but I got so scared. Because twins at this age, fuck that. Anybody here have twins or is a twin? You have them or you are? AUDIENCE: Boys. I have boys. RUSSELL PETERS: You have twin boys? And apparent– – But they are younger. RUSSELL PETERS: I’m sorry? And apparently your sunglasses didn’t come with instructions. [LAUGHTER] This side of my head is very cool. That’s only because you pulled your pag lower, that’s all. You have twin boys? – Yes. RUSSELL PETERS: Identical? – Yes. Oh, see, that’s twins. What did you name? Did you give them fun names? Gouldet and Harlet. Gouldet and Harlet? AUDIENCE: Yeah. It sounds like you’re stealing something and putting it away. Gouldet and Harlet, please. [LAUGHTER] Identical twins. That’s the only people that I think should be called twins. Can you tell them apart? Yes. RUSSELL PETERS: Do they were pags too? No. One has dimples. One has dimples? And the other one has– Doesn’t have. RUSSELL PETERS: Oh. Yeah, I figured. One has dimples, the other one, doesn’t have. Identical twins, those are the only– I hate when people tell me, yeah, I got twins. What do you got? I got a boy and a girl. That’s not fucking twins ever. What you got are two kids with the same birthday. Women call their breasts the twins. Have you ever had a woman go, so would you like to see the twins? If she opened her shirt and an elbow on an ankle fell out, you’d be like, uh– [LAUGHTER] There’s something wrong with your twins. Identical twins are the only people that should be twins. And I started getting scared when I thought my girlfriend was going to have twins. But I started settling into the idea because I started thinking of names for identical twins. I was like, if I have twin girls– because you’ve got to have fun with the names. If I have twin girls, these are going to be my daughters, it’s going to be Kate and Duplicate. These are my boys, it’s Pete and Repeat. If I had twins with a black girl, this is Tyrone and Tyclone. Identical twins, that’s like bragging rights for you, you know I mean. That’s your way of going, look. Look at how good my balls are. Look, look. Or because you’re Punjabi, look at how good my junk they are. Looks at this. [LAUGHTER] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [LAUGHTER] Look at how good my balls are. My balls are so strong, they made one kid and then it made the exact same kid right away. You lift up your balls, sponsored by Xerox. Sponsored by Xerox. I call the left one copy and the right one paste. For the people that are in relationships and your girl wants kids and you don’t want kids, I got some– I got a really great way out of this. Men, you need to learn how to fake orgasms. Trust me. Sperm face, do you have– [LAUGHTER] I’ll just call you Gisbonda. You have kids? – Yes. RUSSELL PETERS: How many? – Two. Two. And with that lady there? Yes. And how old are they? So my son is going to be 7 and my daughter is 5. RUSSELL PETERS: 7 and 5, OK. And you like them? I love them. You like them so much you dress up as them. [LAUGHTER] It would have been amazing if she was dressed like an egg and you were like– [LAUGHTER] Men need to learn how to fake orgasms, that’s their way around having kids. Let me explain to you. First of all, women don’t need to know how to fake orgasms because they do it all the time. And women don’t fake orgasms because they can’t have them. Women fake orgasms because men are fucking idiots. Because here’s the problem with men, we either don’t pay enough attention to a woman or we fixate on one spot. We’re like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And she’s like ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OK, ow, ow, ow, ow. But we don’t hear the ow part. All we see is– That must be the spot. Don’t leave that spot. Er, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow. And the only way to get you to stop if she goes, ah! And then you are going, yeah, I did that. And she’s like, no, you idiot. I was going numb. You need to learn how to fake an orgasm. Preag, let me show you how. When it comes to faking an orgasm with a woman, it’s very technical. I have made up a list of suggestions. I recommend if you’re going to fake an orgasm with a woman, you should be behind her– having sex, not just standing there. That’d fucking weird if you just– oh. [LAUGHTER] What the fuck was that? So you should be behind her having sex with her– with her– at same time, yeah. I recommend you’re behind the woman, because when you’re behind a woman it’s easier to fake. It’s harder for them to check your work. Because when you’re behind a woman, very rarely does a woman turn around and go, was that good? Never. Because you know why? It’s not an attractive angle. Women don’t want to look like, what? So when you’re behind it’s like a horse in a race. Just [TROTTING NOISES]. You never see a horse going [TROTTING NOISES] So you should be behind her. And let me ask you something. You guys are fucking obviously. What’s your name? Sorry? – Sohill. RUSSELL PETERS: Sohill. And your name, sweetheart? Shabina. RUSSELL PETERS: Kibera? What? AUDIENCE: Shabina. RUSSELL PETERS: Sha– shamuch? Pisha? Shabina. Subpoena? Wait, like as in you’ve got to go to court tomorrow? Shabina. RUSSELL PETERS: Savita. Shabina. RUSSELL PETERS: Shabina. That was like 10 different versions of the same name I just heard. Shabina, OK. I’m going I’m going to prove to every woman in here that all men, including myself, every man in here has ADD, every single one of us. OK, Shabina, you ever doing it with Sohill and he’s behind you and you can feel him slow down and then speed up and then slow down and speed up. And you’re thinking, oh, my little SoSo’s got– [LAUGHTER] My little SoSo has moves. Let me tell you something, that’s not what it is. Let me tell you what happened. It’s ADD, that’s exactly what the fuck happened. Here’s what happens ladies, we get behind you, we’re good for the first two strokes. And then after that, ADD. We’re like this, yeah, all right. [LAUGHTER] I got to change that light bulb when I’m done. Oh shit, let me get back to it. That’s what happens. OK, Preag, pay attention, bastard, hello. [LAUGHTER] So when it comes to faking the orgasm, you don’t have to do anything crazy, all right? You’re just doing your normal sex that you guys do. And don’t act like you do all kinds of fancy shit in the bedroom, OK people? We all know once you’re in a relationship for a while, there’s the three basic positions. There’s the us, the her, the you. That’s all there is, it’s three moves. One to get it started, this one’s for us. OK, now it’s your turn sweetheart. And then my turn, that’s what happens. And here’s some good reasons as to why you should fake an orgasm, because you’re not ready to deal with a pregnant woman. It’s a very different– are you pregnant, sweetheart? I could tell, because you’ve got a thin face and then you’re holding your stomach and fat people never do that. So when are you due? Four weeks. RUSSELL PETERS: In four, oh wow, you’re right– like, right there. And is this your first child? And is she extra horny right now? It’s true, it happens. [LAUGHTER] It’s a fact. It’s true, they get really horny towards the end of the pregnancy. And it’s very uncomfortable for us. Because my girl when she was pregnant, she was like, towards the end, she was like, why don’t you want to have sex with me? And I go, it’s– Oh my God, you think I’m fat. I go, I don’t think you’re fat, I know you’re pregnant. Then why would you have sex with me? I’m like, I physically don’t have enough equipment anymore to get in there. Because she got real big when she was pregnant. I was like, I can’t. She was like, I’ll get on top. And I go, no, because she gets on top then her stomach pushes me further away. And I’m like, huh, huh. And nothing because I can’t reach. It just my balls hitting her in the back. [SMACKING SOUNDS] Nothing happening. It’s like that scene in “Back to the Future” where Doc’s trying to connect the wire. Come on, Marty. [LAUGHTER] OK, so you’re doing your three positions, right? It’s a regular lovemaking day, you know. You do us, her, and now it’s on to you. So you’re behind her, doing your thing. You don’t have to do anything extra, you just do it like normal. You want to set off any alarms. And when it comes time where you feel like now is when I want to fake my orgasm, this is where the work comes in. You have to sell it. You have to make a really believable noise, first of all. All right, and it has to be a noise that you’re not going to accidentally do in the middle of the day, all right. And it’s going to be a big noise, you don’t want to be like, oh. No, that’s– That’s not it, all right. It’s got to be big and– but like something– like what I do is when it comes time for me to fake an orgasm, what I do is I just grab her ass out of nowhere really hard. I go [SLAP SOUND],, and then I go, ah! Because I’m never going to make that noise ever in my day. Not unless I’m doing an impression of a reporter from the 1930s. Russell Peters, LA Times, can I get a quote, ah! So you’ve got to go, [SLAP SOUND],, ah! And that’s only the beginning. Now you have to sell the orgasm. That’s where the work comes in. So it’s [SLAP SOUND], ah! [BLUBBERING] [LAUGHTER] You literally have to act when her vagina is electrocuting you. And then when you’re done, you just collapse. You die, you die, you fall over. And then she’ll be like, wow, that was a good one, huh? You’re like, yeah, that was a good one, yeah. Pay attention though, a couple of seconds later, she’s going to go, hey, you’re not leaking out of me. You go, no, no, that’s because I shot that one way up there. I launched that one. It’s in there deep. Whatever you do, don’t burp, because it’s going to come out. [LAUGHTER] You know, Indian parents, like the NRI Indians, they’re very different than you guys. You may not believe me, but you guys are far more forward thinking than they are. Here’s the problem with the Indians that left India, they left India in whatever year they left, and that’s what year India is stuck in. [LAUGHTER] If they left in 1970– if they left in 1970, India is still 1970 to them. They can’t imagine all this shit is happening. No, no, Russell, that would never happen in India. Yeah, come. Come, motherfucker. You should see. You’re going to see. They do, they try. They hang on to shit that doesn’t even exist in India anymore. They try to be overly Indian. And their whole reason for leaving was bullshit, because they’ll do this, no, I want to leave and give my children a better life, give them opportunities, expose them to different things, let them experience a new world. And then what do they do? They have the kids born and raised in America, and then around 18, they go, son, we know you’re dating, but maybe you should consider an Indian girl. And you’re like, but we’re in America now. I know, but you should think about an Indian girl. I go, no, I mean, you know, If I meet one, yeah. But it’s not going to be my focus, because there’s so many other women around here, I might as well try something else. I mean, if I’m going to get with an Indian girl, what was the fucking point of leaving in the first place? At least over there we got way more choice. But son– this is the bullshit they pull on them– son, what will happen to our culture if we don’t stay together? What will happen to our culture? Let me tell you what will happen to our culture, fucking nothing. Fucking nothing. You know why? Because there’s 1.3 billion motherfuckers right here. [LAUGHTER] If every Indian outside of India never married another Indian again, we would still have 1.3 billion right here. You don’t need us helping you. Even you guys are like, stop fucking, please, we don’t need any more. Here’s what Indian parents need to understand, is that the Indians and the Chinese will forever, always, 100% of the time, be on this planet, no matter what. There’s too many of us to just go missing. If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, you know what would be left? Rats, roaches, Indians, and Chinese, that’s all that would be left. [LAUGHTER] And since everything’s already made on this great continent of Asia, we’re going to be fine. Here’s what Indian parents need to understand, if an Indian guy has a kid with a white girl, they have a beige baby, that’s a win for us. I have two kids with Latin women, my kids are khaki. If an Indian guy has a kid with a black woman, that’s a brown baby with the possibility of a larger penis. That’s another fucking win for us. [LAUGHTER] And if an Indian guy and a Chinese girl have a baby, that’s a super baby, and that’s a win-win, and you can name the kid Win-Win. [LAUGHTER] You know who I feel bad for in this world? I feel bad for white people. I do. I feel bad for white people. I know there’s some in here, but I can’t see you. You’re back there, I see you glowing in the dark. I do feel bad for white people because you’re dwindling at an alarming rate. Like, there’s not– you realize, like, in about 150 years there’s not going to be any more purebred white people. They’ve just been infiltrated at all costs. That’s why I feel like I live in America, and in America you see on the news, you see white people have these rallies. And people get really mad at them. And I kind of sympathize with them. You see them on the news, like, the white people need to be together with the white people. They always add an h in front of it for some reason. The white people. And I’ll tell you what. But they’re like white people need to be together with white people. And I’m like, yeah, they do. And they’re like, what? I’m like, I’m with you. We don’t want you with us. I know. I’m not with you, with you. But I feel your pain. What in the hell’s wrong with you, boy? I’m just saying, well, there’s a lot of us and there’s very few of you. I just want to see the white people get preserved. Because if white people go missing, who the fuck are we going to blame? [LAUGHTER] I’m not ready for that kind of accountability. Look at Scratch, his kids are half Indian, yes. He likes the brown. And I don’t mean– [LAUGHTER] But Indian parents, they’re– I know there’s a lot of Indian parents here too, but you need to know, Indian parents, that you’re very good parents, but you’re also really shit parents at the exact same time. Here’s why they’re good. They’re good because they love you so much. They’re shit because they love you so much. Because here’s the problem with Indian parents, they love their kids to the point where they don’t let their kids think at all. Like, they don’t– We don’t want their brain to burn out, just let us do all the thinking for you. We will make all the decisions. And it all stems from– we all keep– we’re missing a generation, you realize that. There is a generation missing from somewhere. Because our parents lived for their parents, and our parents are trying to make us live for them. And then I guess we’ll pass it down and make our kids live for us. And who the fuck is living themselves anymore? But that’s what they do. They overpower you with the, you know, son, just do what I tell you to do, OK? Trust me on this. Don’t do that. Go here. Don’t go there. Talk to these people. Don’t talk to those people. And then I’m not the kind of guy that can ever just take information like that. I always question everything. So I’m like– if you want to see an Indian parent fall apart, question them. Holy shit, they have no clue what to do. My dad would be like, son, I don’t want you going to that club tonight. I go, why not? What do you mean why not? I mean, why not? I need to know why I should not go to this club. Son, because it’s a fact. What? What do you mean? What does that even mean? Son, it means it’s a fact. You haven’t given me one fact. Son, it’s a fact. When something is a fact, it’s a fact. You cannot change a fact because a fact is a fact. I’m like, is that a fact? I love coming back to India and I’ll tell you why because I love coming back to India. You know, what’s funny is people ask me all the time whenever I come to India, like, Russell, why don’t you like Bollywood? Why don’t you like Bollywood? I’ll be honest with you, I’m going to tell you the truth right now. Here’s the reason I– here’s the real reason I don’t enjoy Bollywood films, because I love car chases. And you can never have a fucking car chase in Mumbai. [LAUGHTER] It’s not even a plausible idea. Quick, get him. [HORN HONKING] Uncle. [KNOCKING] [LAUGHTER] Beat it, we’re trying to have car chase. Uncle. Car chase went up to at least two kilometers an hour. [LAUGHTER] Here’s the thing now and we live in a really interesting time. Where Indians used to just always leave India to go on vacation, I’m finding more and more Indians are celebrating their country more. They’re going to different places in India and having, like, these really nice trips and vacations. And that, to me, is very important. Because the Indians that left, when we come here, we only go to where we’re from. We don’t see anything else ever. When I was a kid and I would come to India, just Bombay, Calcutta. That’s all I would see, Bombay, Calcutta, Bombay, Calcutta. It got to the point where I didn’t know if there was any more to India than just Bombay and Calcutta. And I remember being here in Bombay, I was 9 years old. And I said to my dad, I go, dad, is there any more to India than just Bombay and Calcutta? And my dad said, no. Are you sure? Positive. But there seems like there’s a whole bunch of country out there. I’m sure there’s more people. There are more people and they look just like you. What do you want to see? I was like, dad, can I see the Taj Mahal? Not from here. Physically impossible. It’s a different place. You know, it’s one of those– It’s a beautiful place, but I always try and explain it to people in North America that India is the kind of country where you could cut it in half and have a north and the south and probably create two countries– not that I want you to. But I’m saying, because they’re two completely different fucking worlds. You take a guy from the north of India and a guy from the south of India and throw them in a room together, they have nothing in common. They can’t speak the same language, they don’t look the same, they don’t eat the same food. The only one common denominator throughout all of India is this. That’s the only one thing we can agree on. You throw them in a room, where are you from? I’m from India. I’m from India, what part? No, not that part, no. Growing up I was ripped off from the Indian culture, my parents didn’t exposed me to it. It was unfair. Because I hung around black people my whole life. From the time I was about four years old all I hung around was black dudes. And it wasn’t until I was about 18 that I realized, holy shit, I don’t know anything about Indian people. Because my name’s Russell, my parents are Eric and Maureen, my brothers Clayton, my grandparents are James, Christopher, Sheila, Eileen. It’s not going to happen. It wasn’t till I was about 18 that I started to meet Indian people. And I was so excited to meet Indian people, but I’d never heard Indian names. I saw an Indian guy, and I go, yo, are you Indian? He goes, yeah. Me too. I go, I’m Russell. He goes, I’m Pancag. I go, whoa, what the fuck was that? I go, why do your parents not like you? And then he’s like– and this is when I realized how much I didn’t know about Indian culture– he goes, hey, you know that one Indian song? I go, no, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Because my dad was very much against Indian music. He didn’t like the Indian movies or the Indian music at all. It was just his– he just didn’t like the sound of it. And I get it, you know. Like, my mom would sneak the Indian channel on every now and then and there’d be, like, an Indian song playing in the back ground. My dad would just yell from the kitchen, Maureen, shut that shit off. Sounds like cats in heat. And then I remember hearing Indian music for the first time and I go, holy fuck, it does sound like cats in heat. [SCREECHING] And that’s why there’s so many of us because we listen to horny cat music. But when I say I didn’t know anything about the Indian culture, I mean fucking basic things I was lacking. And I was so mad at my parents for ripping me off from that part of my culture that I went out of my way to try and learn everything about Indian culture. But there’s too much to know. There’s no way you can know everything about Indian people. That’s probably why we believe in reincarnation so you can come back and finish the book. But basic things, like, basic, basic things I didn’t know. Like, we came to India about 12, 13 years ago for shows, here’s how much I didn’t know. We got off the plane and the lady– all I can remember is my dad teaching me was, son, always be respectful, OK? Always be respectful. I go, all right, be respectful. We got off the plane in Bombay. The lady greets us. She goes, namaste, sir. I go, thank you. My brother goes, what the fuck was that? I go, I’m being respectful. He goes, no, you fucking idiot, you’re supposed to namaste with her. I go, I don’t know her like that. I can’t just start namasting bitches all over the place and catch a me too. I’m not playing this game. He goes, no, you fucking idiot. You gotta bow and say namaste. I go, oh, right. Namaste, right. So then we get to the hotel and the guy greets us. He goes, namaste, uncle. And I go, uncle, who the fuck is this guy? We got cousins working at the hotel? Let’s get an upgrade. And then after a while, I got the hang of it and I became, like, the namaste king. You couldn’t out namaste me for nothing. I was like– I was namasting the shit out of people. I was like, namaste, namaste, namaste. I was turning spins on it. Namaste, motherfuckers. I was like a black girl at church breaking it down. Na-mas-te. [LAUGHTER] There was a lady in my hotel lobby, she was about to sneeze. She went– and I went namaste. She she went, you fucked up my sneeze. But I was on fire with my namastes everywhere. And we were on tour and then my fake northern half of India is namaste, namaste, namaste, namaste. And then we went to Chennai Madras. And I’d never been to the South before. And we get off the plane. And as we get off the plane, the girl puts her hands together. And I cut her off and I go namaste. And she goes, vanakkam. [LAUGHTER] What? What? What? What’s that? She goes, vanakkam. I said, did you just say vanna come? [LAUGHTER] I was like, I like the south. Of course I want to come. Doesn’t anybody want to come? Should you want to come at least once a day? It’s different down there, man. It’s very different. I try to explain to people the difference between North and South. North, taller, lighter skin, bigger features, more body hair, not that bright. [LAUGHTER] It’s a fact. You go to the south, shorter, darker, smaller features, less body hair, much smarter. And if you don’t believe me that you’re smarter in the South, I’ll prove it to you. All the computer shit that happens in the world, happens in the south of India. And I was trying to figure out why are they so good with computers? And I figured it out, it’s the languages. Because in the north they speak slower. [SLOW GIBBERISH] Then you go to the south and they sound like this– [FAST GIBBERISH] And that’s why they can read computer code. [LAUGHTER] [FAST GIBBERISH] Well, there we are in Madras and the promoter meets us at the airport and he’s like, hello, Russell. And I go, hi, I’m Russell. He goes, this is your driver. And I go, hey buddy, I’m Russell. And he goes, Hello Russell, I’m Naga Lingam. I said, what happened? He said, I am Naga Lingam. I said, I don’t know what you’re saying. That is my name, sir. What is your name? Naga Lingam. I said, we’re going to need to work on this because I don’t know that I’ll be able to say that. Please, sir, everyone just calls me Naga. I said, oh, I gotta be honest with you, I grew up with black people and I’m a little uncomfortable with your name. I got to be honest with you. He goes, please, sir, everyone, please, just call me Naga. I said, all right, all right. So we start driving, right? And I see this mall coming up in the distance. And I’m like, oh, I need to get something. So I’m trying to get the driver’s attention. I’m like, yo, [CLEARS THROAT] hello, hello, excuse me, bastard, bastard G, hello, hello, hello, yo, hey yo, my Naga. Can we stop in that mall for a second? He goes, no, no, sir. We must continue to venue. I was like, Naga, please. Just then this guy cuts him off and he loses his shit. And I was like, yo, this Naga’s crazy, right? [LAUGHTER] Right then my mom calls me. And she’s like, where are you? I said, I’m in Madras. She goes, oh, that’s great. Did you know that your grandfather, James Peters, was born and raised in Madras and then he moved to Bombay and that’s where your father was born. I said, I did not know that. But did you know I got a driver and he’s got the best name I’ve ever heard in my life. She goes, what’s his name? I said, Naga. And she goes, OK. I said, mom, isn’t that funny? She said, no, why is it funny? What do you mean, why is it funny? Mom, his name is Naga. You know like, Naga what? Naga who? And if you don’t know now you know, Naga. She goes, son, that’s not funny. Naga just means snake. It does? What’s his last name? I said, Lingam. She goes, oh my God, that’s funny. I go, why is that funny? That means penis. What? Wait, this guy’s name is snake penis? It is a very common name in the south. What? There are many snake peni down here? You can’t just name your kid snake penis and send him out in the world. It’s not like he’s living in America with a name like Naga Lingam where nobody knows what it means. You all know what the fuck his name means. You know that this Naga Lingam had to have had an arranged marriage. And it was one of those hardcore arranged marriages where he never met the girl till the day of the wedding. Even he got to the wedding, he was like, which one is she? OK, got it. Good, yes. They have the wedding, they have the reception, everybody has a wonderful time. Naga Lingam and his new wife go back to the hotel room for the first time. Their alone, it’s uncomfortable, he walks in the bedroom. So I guess you heard. Would you like to see it? And she goes, OK. He pulls out a flute. [FLUTE MUSIC] Thank you so much, Bombay. I love you guys. Thank you. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING]

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PATTON OSWALT: I LOVE EVERYTHING (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-i-love-everything-transcript/

This is the full transcript of Patton Oswalt: I Love Everything (2020), released on Netflix on May 19, 2020. Patton Oswalt has seen extreme highs and lows in the last few years. The actor and comedian’s first wife, the true-crime writer Michelle McNamara, died in 2016. After that, Oswalt told The New York Times, “I’ll never be at 100 percent again.” A year later, he remarried and delivered a profound stand-up special, “Annihilation.” In “I Love Everything,” Oswalt takes a lighter approach. He discusses finding love again and shares existential anecdotes about buying a house and entering his 50s. One of his discoveries about aging: Breakfast has become dull. He mourns the vibrant cereal boxes displaying animal mascots that he has had to replace with “hospital white” boxes and sad beige bowls. Filmed in September 2019 * * * Denny’s is not the problem in this bit. All right? I love Denny’s. Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswalt! Guys, thank you. Thank you. Please, now just… Everyone. Okay. Oh. Pace yourselves. There’s gonna be some trouble spots later, you can’t just use it up now. I’m gonna need you to fake it hard about three-fourths of the way in. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Charlotte, so much for coming out. All of you guys, thank you. Oh, my God. Whoo! Ah. It’s what… You know, I turned 50 this year and it’s not… And it… You know, I’m not upset about it or… I can’t… Look, I can’t wait to be 90. It’s not that I’m sad that I’m 50. I’m just… This is… These next few decades… Let me just go to 90 now. I wanna be 90, and sit in a chair, and do crossword puzzles, and slowly become racist and die. Like that’s… This is all… I’ve done what I need to do, I’m done. You don’t get to sit down when you’re 50. Now, when you turn 50 in 2019, forget it. People are like,”You’re 50! Well, here’s your mountain bike, you silver fox. Let’s get you out there. We got goji berries and alkaline water. You’ll never die.” Like, let me just… Please, God, sit down. And I thought, “Oh, when I turn 50, there’s gonna be some emotional epiphany, or a physical upheaval, some huge change.” Nothing. You know what happened when I was 50? It was Sunday. That’s what happened, and I had to… go to work the next day. There was… Nothing changed. The one… There was one big change. I will give 50 this. There… The one big change for me was, all of a sudden, my breakfast cereal became deadly serious. Like I… Like, overnight. I remember… Recently, my breakfast cereal was fun. The boxes were bright and there words like “sugar” and “pow” and “crisp” in the name. And then there was, like, an animal mascot… screaming next to a bowl, full of colors insulting to nature. Nothing… Nothing in the visual spectrum went into my body in my 20s and 30s. And you turn the box over, and the fun didn’t stop! You turn the box over, and there was a word find or a maze. A maze! “Help Sugar Bat get to his insulin.” And now… all… of… All of my breakfast cereal… First off, the box… is white. Hospital… white. And there’s a beige bowl. A color of beige I like to call… “bargaining beige.” Like, how many bowls of this do I have to eat, so I can have… one Cool Ranch Dorito at three o’clock today? How many? That many? And inside the beige bowl, brown cereal. Not chocolaty brown. Not fudge brown. As brown as the dirt in the grave that awaits you! And there’s no “sugar” or “pow” or “crisp” in the name. The name is very serious. Sorghum Farms. Sorghum Farms… amaranth flakes. And you turn the box over. Is there a word find? Is there a maze? No. But… there is a short novel about the hippie organic cult farm where they’re growing my amaranth flakes. Paragraph after paragraph of everything you never wanted to know about Sorghum Farms. “At Sorghum Farms, we believe in three simple things: farm-to-table eating, locally sourced ingredients, and giving back to the earth three times what we take away. The idea for Sorghum Farms happened outside of a Phish concert in 1990. We were both… selling tie-dye in the parking lot, and we wondered out loud at the same time why our gorp couldn’t be tastier. And that’s when we both said, ‘Jinx, I owe you a kombucha.’ And we bought a little farm upstate that was built in 15…” I’m 50! I can’t have coffee anymore. If you’re gonna make me read the saddest John Cheever short story first thing in the morning, could you put a couple of startling, disturbing sentences in it? They don’t need to be true, just something to jolt me awake, so I can start my day. ‘Cause I’m doing my part. I’m eating cereal that tastes like an unpopular teenager’s poetry. So please… give me… a couple of fucked-up sentences! Sitting there chewing this shit, reading the back of the box. “At Sorghum Farms we believe in three simple things.” Oh, sweetie, they have a manifesto, look at this. “Farm-to-table eating,” okay. “Locally sourced ingredients,” oh, okay. “And the idea that black people can walk through walls when it rains.” Holy shit! Did you… Oh, my God, they’re fucking crazy. Hang on. “Every field of buckwheat we grow is fed by the bodies of three drifters.” Oh, shit! Sweetie, it’s a… Yeah, it’s a murder farm. They’re murdering people. I… Oh, my God. Wow. I gotta go on a hike. I… I have a roomy, fertile torso. This could grow a lot of buckwheat. I don’t wanna end up in Sorghum Farms in the sharing silo. Um… That’s what I do now, by the way. I hike. That’s my thing now, I hike. Hiking is not… my exercise. It’s my activity. Because hiking is not exercise. Hiking is the segue between the actual exercise you did in your 20s and 30s, and then the gentle mall-walking that you’re gonna do… in your 70s and 80s. So that you’ll fit into the tuxedo at the funeral home, ’cause you don’t… You don’t want ’em splitting the back of the jacket open. That’s embarrassing, come on. Let’s die with some dignity. So, what I do everyday… I park my car at the base of a hiking trail, then I walk away from my car… until I eventually… turn around… and walk back to my car. And that’s… That’s what I do. There I am… out there with all the other 50-year-olds, doing our little doom ovals. And if you were to fly a helicopter low over the Earth, you know what you would see? You’d see… people in their 20s gobbling drugs, eating delicious food, having sex. People in their 30s with actual jobs making the world run. People in their 40s… trying to fuck the 20-year-olds. And then us… gentle, surrendered, 50-year-olds, on our little… futility ovals. We got our earbuds in, listening to podcasts. Which are done by… 20-year-olds that nobody wants to fuck. And then… …on the podcasts, 30-year-olds are selling boner pills to the 40-year-olds. And then, way off in the distance, are 60-year-olds vaguely afraid of Muslims. And that’s the world we live in, so… don’t fight that cycle, folks. That’s just how it is. But, every now and then, on the hiking trail, a man or a woman will show up who doesn’t get the program. Hiking is for trudging defeatedly. All right? We’ve all agreed to it. It’s unspoken, but it’s there. But every now and then, somebody’s gotta show up, and they gotta do that weird, extra, show-off-y workout shit. It’s not enough that they’re hiking, they gotta do that urban workout where you turn the environment around you into your gym. You see a tree branch, you jump up and you fucking do pull-ups, yeah! Where you see a park bench, you drop, you do crunches. Grr! Grab a possum and curl it. Everything… Everything is your gym. And the men and women that do this are already gorgeous! I don’t know what… Like, there’s no… There’s not an ounce of fat on them, you see every rib and rivet. I don’t know what fitness level they’re going for. It’s like they’re trying to reach a fitness level I like to call “painful to fuck.” Like, it looks like… They look like it would hurt to fuck them. Like, you’d be so excited. Like, “Look at this physical specimen.” And then, five minutes into it, you’re like, “Oh, I’m basically lying naked on a floor covered in Legos.” I dunno know why I thought this was a… Wow, this is not a good idea. There’s a lot of edges, there’s a lot of… There’s a lot of jutting, things are jutting. Pelvic bones like cheese graters! It’s like I came, but I’m dented. Like, was it worth it? I don’t know. I am nowhere near physically fit, but a woman can look at me and go, “Look at that comfy, old beanbag chair. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna pump that guy full of Cialis, climb on top, think of Idris Elba. No one has to get hurt here. No one’s feelings have to get hurt. Just doing my business.” I’m kidding, we would both think about Idris Elba. Have you seen him? Holy shit! Go for the beanbag chair, is what I’m saying. Ladies, you don’t want some ropy, fitness orc climbing all over you. Probably comes chia seeds and bee pollen. It’s just… Ugh. You know what I come? Fresh Twinkie filling. That’s right! Fresh Twinkie filling! Introduce me to your book club! I can still have sex in my 50s. It happens. There’s more work to it, but it happens. It’s not like it was in… In my 20s, sex was thought and action. That was it. In my 50s, sex is like… my body… It’s like my body is like an understaffed McDonald’s during lunch rush, where there’s like a… There’s a manager, like, “I dunno how we’re gonna get through this. We’ll get through this. It’s not gonna be our proudest moment, okay? We’re not gonna like each other afterward, but it will happen, all right? We got… We have no fish fillets, corporate didn’t send us any milkshake lids, but we’re gonna fucking get through it. If any of you do meth, do it now. I need you to do it now, all right? We’re going to serve these people. There’s going to be some crying in the parking lot afterward.” Know what I’m not doing? I’m not eating enough ancient grains. That’s the problem. I gotta eat ancient grains. All of my… All of my health food brags about ancient grains. They’ve got… Or biblical grains. That’s the other big one. Biblical grains! There’s a company… Food For Life, Ezequiel 4:9. Yeah! Breads and cereals. And their big bragging point is, “All the grains we use were mentioned in the Bible, specifically in Ezequiel 4:9.” That’s their big bragging point. Okay, a few things about… Ezekiel Breads and Cereals. First off, I have enjoyed Ezequiel Breads and Cereals. They’re delicious! They make amazing products. However… being mentioned in the Bible? Not that big of a deal. A lot of things get mentioned in the Bible. Also, I guarantee you those grains were not mentioned in a good context. I don’t know if you read the Bible, but it is torture a-go-go. Every other page it’s a Takashi Miike film going on in there. And I’m sure that something awful was happening near my healthy ancient grains. “And yea, though they pulled Isaac’s head from his body and showed it to his screaming family, the blood dripped from the roughly hewn stump… and landed on the freshly sprouted amaranth, which was… “Okay, you know what? Guys… I’m just trying to make lunch here. Why are we… “As the lusty Saracen soldiers dragged Judith from her wedding bed, their loins engorged with sinful blood, and laid her roughly in a field of buckwheat…” Like… Oh, no! Guys! Can my sandwich not be rape-adjacent? I just… I’m just trying to eat healthy. I don’t want to get subpoenaed. I bought a house. Yeah, I got a new house. You know, anyone who buys a house knows the second you sign that title deed, somebody presses an invisible “everything’s broken” button. Like, the minute… I crossed the “T” in “Oswalt,” it was like, “No hot water! Enjoy.” Fuck. And you gotta get a contractor. A contractor is a man or woman who’s there to fix your shit. They know what to do, they know who to call. But they are also your gateway… to a netherworld… of subcontractors. And subcontractors are men and women who are so beyond damaged… and unable to function in society. And what they’ve done to compensate is, they’ve taken one skill and honed it to superhuman level, so that you have to work with them. It’s like a Suicide Squad for your house. So, you just… You have no choice. Your contractor will come to you and go, “Look, I’m not happy about this either, all right? But we… This guy is the best he is at what he does. We’ve gotta work with him, okay? And before we go any further, I see it, too. There’s a swastika tattoo on his cheek, okay? We all see it. Let me ask you a question. Do you want your wall sconces looking like shit? ‘Cause he’s the best wall sconce guy in the valley. So we gotta use him.” We had to have wallpaper hung, and my contractor said, “I have a wallpaper guy. This dude is Michelangelo. With wallpaper. He’s amazing. He’s a little sketchy. But your wallpaper’s gonna look amazing.” I go, “Okay, well let’s hire him.” So the day came. I go down to the kitchen in the morning, there’s a guy in my kitchen. He’s got two wooden sawhorses, and draped over them, big pieces of wallpaper. He’s putting paste on them. And the guy putting up the wallpaper… I can’t see him, but I can hear him. He’s in the room where the wallpaper is going up. And he’s yelling at the guy with the sawhorses. And he’s going, “Kirby! You got too much paste near the seams, It’s bubbling up. I gotta scrape it. Goddammit, Kirby!” I look at the guy with the sawhorses, and I say, “I assume you’re Kirby.” And the guy at the sawhorses said, “There’s no Kirby.” “My name is Daniel. He’s gonna yell at Kirby all day. But your wallpaper’s gonna look amazing.” Okay. And sure enough, every time I went down, that dude was yelling at Kirby about everything, the glue on the wallpaper, the sizes of the pieces of wallpaper, but, a couple of times, I went down, and he was yelling at Kirby about… existential cosmic shit that nobody could control. Like, I went downstairs at one point, and he was saying, “Two Fleetwood Mac songs in a row on the radio? Goddammit, Kirby!” Like, I couldn’t fi… Is Kirby his assistant? Or God? Like, I don’t know… And the day ended, Daniel packed up his stuff. The wallpaper guy came out of the room for a second and then bolted out of the house. Like, I feel like if I tried to take a picture of him, he either wouldn’t have shown up on my phone… or there would have been a picture of one of those Asian ghost girls, like, pointing at the… You know. I went into the room where the wallpaper was being put up, and the wallpaper looks fucking amazing! So… thank you, Kirby, first off. Thank you. Secondly, we have to have tile put around the fireplace. I can’t wait to meet the tile guy. I just want to hear his story. I’m waiting for the contractor to come by. “All right, dude, I have… a tile guy. This guy is the Da Vinci of wall tiles. He is a… He lives in a bucket in the forest. You have to tie a note to a raven at midnight and let it loose. He’ll eventually get it. When he shows up, let him start working, and don’t say the word ‘celery’ to him or he turns into a murder tornado, okay? But your wall tiles are gonna look amazing.” So… I, uh… Oh, please! I just realized I could totally brag about, like, I made Netflix build me this oval for my hiking bit. Like that… I demanded it. They didn’t. This is what the stage already looked like, but I could go, “Yeah, that’s the kinda power I have. When I have… If I’m doing… They’ll build… I call them up. Yeah, you rolled the red carpet out for Chappelle. I need a fucking oval!” My God, it’s so sad. Oh. I got married again. I got married again. It’s… Not to bum you guys out, but I was very, very resigned to living in the gray. I was… After what I went through a couple of years ago, I was just going to… I’m gonna live in the gray, and I’m just gonna raise my daughter alone and try to put… Focus all the joy and adventure in life on her, and give her that life. I will merely exist. I’m not gonna hit joy again, but that’s fine, I can still exist. That’s okay. And then, I met this poem of a woman who relit the sky, and I just said, “I’m going to run at love again.” If you see love, run at it! Run at love if you see it! Trust me, run at love! But… the one thing that was weird was I was very, very tense and nervous during the wedding. And the reason was… ’cause nothing went wrong. The wedding was perfect, and that made me very… The reason that made me tense and nervous was because, when I was teenager, I worked as a wedding DJ on the weekends. In Northern Virginia, I worked for the last DJ company that still used cassette tapes. Well into the ’90s. Long after CDs had taken over the landscape. Our boss was like, “These tapes sound great. They sound as great as…” These tapes were ten years old. They’d been played 700 times apiece. And he’s like, “It sounds like the band is playing right there.” Yeah, it sure does. It does sound like the band is playing right there, if right there is “they’ve been buried under a mile of rubble.” Yes, it does sound just like they’re right there. But we were the cheapest game in town, so we could underbid everybody. So we got all the shittiest gigs. All of our gigs were shotgun weddings and forced retirements. We were the ambient music… for rage and despair. That is what… we really were. “Hey, did your daughter’s boss at Sam Goody knock her up, and now you want her first dance at your wedding to be ‘Almost Paradise’ sounding like…” ♪ Almost paradise ♪ “That’s right. Our songs’ll match the sound of the scream trapped in your throat, Dad!” So, every weekend was just this parade of horrors. And the other DJs I worked with, these guys in their 30s and 40s who were trying to justify the cul-de-sac that their live was… would lay their bullshit justifications on me, the dipshit teenager in the Chess King suit. They would dump it all on me. And they would say shit like, “You know, Patton, a little bit of, uh, DJ wisdom. A little bit of DJ lore. You might not know this… but, uh… if something goes wrong with the wedding, that means that marriage is solid. A little bit of DJ lore. You might not know that, so… When you think about it, we’re kind of doing a beautiful thing here.” “We’re building the foundations for lifelong romances. That’s what we… That’s what we do here. You could almost say we’re love wizards. We’re love wizards.” And I bought that hook, line, and sinker! So, now I’m at my wedding and nothing’s going wrong. It’s beautiful, and I’m the one guy going, “Should I punch somebody or… I wanna be with her. Should I take my dick out? Or… I don’t know what to do. Like… something should go wrong.” It took me till the reception to go, “What the fuck were they telling me? That was bullshit! There’s no DJ lore! They were just trying to justify the fucking horrible shit that we had to witness every weekend.” All those marriages were… Those marriages didn’t last a month after we did those gigs. We were not love wizards. We were divorce necromancers. That’s what we were. Yeah. We brought fucking acrimony and separation everywhere we went. Oh, the shit I saw at those gigs. I’ve seen… I saw two separate weddings where a groom punched out a best man. Two different ones. I saw a mom projectile vomit during a spotlight dance with her son, at the reception. Projectile vomit! It ruined Cyndi Lauper’s “All Through the Night” for me. I can’t listen to that song. I love that song. She ruined it! And… our caterer was amazing. At our wedding, our caterer was incredible. This little company, Heirloom LA, and he was such an amazing chef. And we were trying all of his food and talking with him about his life story, and then he was like, “I really like you guys, you’re great. You know what I’m gonna do? I wanna talk to you guys and get your story, and then, at the reception, I’m gonna have two specialty cocktails that I will name for each of you, after I hear your life story.” So we talked for a bit, and, sure enough, at the reception, two handcrafted specialty cocktails named for each of us. One of them… was called the Malibu. Because my wife was born and raised in Malibu, California. And the other one was called the Sterling. ‘Cause I grew up in Sterling, Virginia. Now… the Malibu… was a complex flavor palate of light and dark… salty and sweet… bitter and tangy… as mysterious and unknowable… as the sea itself. And the Sterling… was lemonade with vodka in it. I don’t know if you’ve been to Sterling. He nailed it. Oh, my God. Absolutely nailed my hometown. “Hey, how can we get drunk quickly in this Roy Rogers parking lot before school starts?” “I stole some vodka from my dad’s garage. Is that Country Time Lemonade? That’ll kill the taste. Let’s do this.” Let’s do it! Mwah! And now I’m just… Being married is the best! I love it. Although, anyone here, no matter how good of a marriage is that you’re in… You know this. …you will have fucking fights. You will have huge, knock-down, drag-out fights. And a couple of months ago, we had one of those blowouts. And I mean a blowout where the fight ended with both of us… “I don’t wanna listen to your shit anymore! Oh, my God, you’re such a fucking idiot!” And me going, “I don’t wanna listen to your shit!” I’m going on a hike.” That was my… That was my mic drop. “I’m going on a hike.” And she’s like, “Yeah, go on your stupid hike, I don’t care.” Off I went on my hike. “Fucking goddammit, she’s such a fucking idiot.” And then halfway to my hike, it hits me. “Oh, my God. What the fuck are we doing? We blew this up over nothing. This is over nothing. Oh, my God, I gotta go back and apologize. Jesus Christ.” And little did I know that she was home going, “Oh, we blew this up. Oh, my God, I gotta apologize to that dude.” What are we doing?” Now… before I tell you the rest of the story, please keep in mind… that the thing she did next was done with love… and was meant as a romantic gesture. Please, keep those in mind. I’m begging you. She went to where I hike, ’cause she knows where I go hiking, parked her car where I couldn’t see it, wrote a note, left it on my windshield… for me to find when the hike was over. Finished my hike, went, “Oh, there’s a note on my windshield. I open it up. Here’s the note. Verbatim. First line: “Stop.” Space. Second line: “Get out of your car.” Space. Third line: “Walk to the park bench in front of you.” Space. Last line: “I love you.” Now, okay, yes, yes, it ended with “I love you.” That’s very nice. But that was a long, terrifying walk… to “I love you.” Holy shit! That is what a demented hit man leaves on a windshield. I’m reading this thing like, “Oh, God, who did I fight with on Twitter today? Goddammnit! One of these fucking alt-right MAGA assholes found me!” Like looking down at my shirt, with that little red dotthat, like, started creeping up, and… Then I look up and she’s sitting on a park bench 20 yards away from me. I’m like, “Okay, you wrote this.” Ahh! Fucking terrified. And you know what? Just the pacing, forget the words. The pacing is terrifying! That’s the same pacing like when a loved one gets kidnapped. And you get that call, and they’re using the voice changer. That’s the same pacing and syntax they use. Which, in that case… The “I love you” is the scariest part. With the voice changer? You’re like, “Hello?” “Stop.” “Get out of your car. Walk to the park bench in front of you. I love you.” Like, “Oh, what the fuck?” So… I got invited… to the pre… Hang on, let me do that again. Oh, you’ll get to see the behind the scenes making of this. Watch this. Go right back to my starting thing. You ready? Watch this? Okay. I got invited… Holy shit! No, I did get invited to the premiere… of the Han Solo Star Wars movie. I got invited. And not only did I get invited, at the premiere, on Hollywood Boulevard, they built a full-scale Millennium Falcon. Yeah. You could go inside, walk around, get your picture taken sitting in the cockpit. Holy shit. And I got invited. Me! And I couldn’t go. Because it was the same night as my daughter’s second grade art show. And, as if to add insult to injury, her art project… was the shittiest robot I’ve ever seen. It looked like a silver scrotum with a box on top. And it, like… And the expression on the face, I swear to God, was like, “Yeah, it sucks, I know. That’s… Yeah. Dunno what to tell… You’re 2 miles away from the Millennium Falcon, you gotta look at me. Yeah. Yeah, life blows. What are you gonna do?” You know what I did? I did Academy Award-level acting that night. I was like, “Sweetie, this is… this is amazing. You made this? Oh, my God! Is he gonna get up and walk? This is a real robot. Did you make a real robot? Sweetie, wow! This is… Ah! You’re a genius. You really are. You’re blowing me away, sweetie. You really do. You blow me away. Yeah.” I know. I know. If you went back to the summer of 1977, walked up to eight-year-old me, just came out of Star Wars, mind blown, and you were like, “Patton, someday, they’re going to make a movie just about Han Solo, and you’re gonna be invited to the premiere. And, at the premiere, there’s gonna be a full-size Millennium Falcon. You’ll be able to walk around inside of it, sit in the cockpit, get your picture taken. But you’re not gonna be able to go. ‘Cause you’ll have to go to your daughter’s second grade art show.” I know for a fact that I would have said, “I get to fuck a lady someday?” Like, I would have been… so cool with it. “Yeah, great!” I’ll see you later. I don’t give a shit. Look, I’m just… I don’t really have any current event stuff or… I don’t have any Trump material is what I’m saying. I don’t… There’s no… What is the… What is the point at this point? What is the point? The people… The people that hate Trump, hate him. The people that still like him, they’re lost. So, what is… What happens… if I do a bit that no one’s gonna… “Oh, okay.” Doing a bit about Trump thinking you’re gonna effect change is like doing a bit, like, to the Manson followers, basically. Like, just… And hoping that they’ll go, “Oh, that was a clever joke. Yeah, he is kinda crazy, huh?” All my friends who told me, “Oh, man, you comedians… If Trump gets elected, it’s going to be Christmas everyday for you guys.” Let me tell you what it’s like… being a comedian… while Trump is the president. The Trump presidency… is an 18-wheeler… full of monkeys and PCP. And… it has crashed… into a train full of diarrhea. And now… there’s diarrhea-covered monkeys on PCP running around. And everyone’s watching it like, “Holy shit, look at this.” And then you, as a comedian, walk up and go, “Hey, wanna hear a joke I wrote about this?” You’re like, “No, we’re good, dude. I’m fine. I mean, Jesus, look at all this. You can take a break. Oh, my God. Wow.” I mean, I wanna be socially conscious, but… Right now, being a comedian is like being the MC in Cabaret, if you know what I mean. Not a lot of bright spots. Although I will say, for me, one of the bright spots for me is the whole #MeToo movement. That is a big bright spot, and the reason is, um… Actually, this shouldn’t be the reason, but it is. It’s ’cause I’m the father of a daughter. Although it should be ’cause I’m a fucking human being, but I’m still happy that it’s happening. The one… The one thing that’s kinda shitty about Me, Too, for me, is it’s really put into perspective what an amateur perv I am. Like, I… always thought that I was on the bleeding edge of depravity and… And then I’m reading all these Me, Too reports, and I’m just like, “I’m just a fucking bowl of vanilla ice cream.” Like, this is… No toppings! And apparently… A lot of these reports… It’s not just one or two guys. There’s a lot of guys whose very specific kink is jerking off to women that openly don’t want them jerking off to them. Which… That level of self-esteem and confidence I can only dream of, because you know, like… You know how shitty you’re going to look doing it. Like, even if you… And I’ve had… I’ve literally had friends of mine that are not my friends anymore that have said, “These guys all got consent, man.” Okay, maybe they did get consent. First off, I guarantee you the consent didn’t look like, “Yeah!” It… If they got consent, it looked like, “Just… Make it quick, right? It’ll be quick? You’ll be done quick, right?” But then, even if you get consent, you know… There’s no cool way to jerk off in front of… There’s no Fonzie way to, like, jerk… Like, “Are you… Is that consent? Are you okay? Great. Let me just lean in this doorway, with the city skyline behind me at sunset, cigarette in my mouth. I’m just going to put Roxy Music’s “Avalon” on, and then… just Jimi Hendrix my way to climax.” Like, no, you… You’re not gonna look like that. You’re going to look like an orangutan hunched over in a blizzard. Just, “Ahh!” Like, there’s no, like… You will look terrible. Like, she’s not… There’s not gonna be an Anaïs Nin diary entry about you afterward. “And then when I saw his come dribble across his sad knuckles, I knew I had met my matador.” Like, no, it’s just… It’s gonna be… But they fucking… They go ahead and do it. What the fuck? I’ve been jerking off, and I’ve caught myself in the mirror and gone, “Oh, fuck! I’m sorry! Oh!” Ahh! Ahh! Write an email to myself later. “I want to apologize for that. That is not who I am. I need to…” That’s their thing! And the other thing that confuses me is… there’s porn for everything. So was there porn for this… and I just missed it? Like, was there porn for jerking off to the unwilling all these years… and it just was off my radar? Like, were there 900 numbers where it’s like, “Our hottest operators… are just trying to get to the copier machine.” “Ooh, but you’re blocking the hallway, aren’t you, stud?” “Call 1-900-Just-Finish-Already.” Or videotape series in the ’80s… “Faces of disapproval, one through nine.” “Asian faces of disapproval.” “Barely legal faces of disapproval.” There are hipsters who are like, “I’m old school, man. I like the print magazine. That’s my thing. Did you see the latest issue of Nope? Ahh. Mwah. The centerfold, she’s checking her e-mail and rolling her eyes. I came twice before I got my pants off, man. I subscribe to Nope, Fine, Whatever, and I used to subscribe to… but… They went a little neocon in the ’80s. I had to cancel my subscription.” I have a theory about Jesus. I… I’ve tried so hard to think of a segue for that. There’s just nothing. There’s no… Trust me, I tried. Yeah, can you… “You know who didn’t jerk off in front of people?” No, there’s no… It does not work. I’m still an atheist, but… I think that Jesus existed. And I have a theory about him, which I absolutely cannot support. My theory is… Jesus existed, but he was also about 15 or 20 different people. Then, over the centuries, it got boiled down to one person when people told stories about it: Jesus. And one of the things I have to back this theory up is… I’m 30 years outside of high school at this point. And the five or six cool guys I knew in high school, I had boiled down into one guy… named Craig because… when I’m telling a story about high school, no one gives a shit about… I’m just making a point about something. So I boil it all down to Craig. Craig had great weed, Craig played me Pink Floyd’s The Wall for the first time. It doesn’t… No one gives a shit. Just… “Fine, Craig, got it.” The person is not important, it’s the story. Now, Jesus… This is thousands of years. And people also forget biblical times were horrible. Way worse than medieval times, way worse than the Dark Ages. Biblical times were a frigging nightmare. It was the… Might makes right, no rule of law. People just… You fell down the street, people hit you with a rock and took your stuff. Other people watched it and went, “Yeah, you shouldn’t have fallen down, I guess. Yeah. Life’s horrible. There you go.” And then… just as an evolutionary leap, which, to me, is just as amazing as miracles and magic, random people… more enlightened, advanced people, just started going, “Hey, what if I wasn’t a raging douchebag all the time? Like, what would happen?” And the first time they did that to people, it melted their minds! They had no frame of reference for it, they had no way to describe it, and that turned into stories of superpowers and miracles. They had no other way to describe it. Somebody’s starving to death… Back then, someone would starve to death, you’d stand in front of him, with food. “Wow, I have food, and you’re starving. What are you gonna do, you know?” And then feed the rest to an animal and watch the guy die, and then… But some random person went, “I can’t finish this. How about you have it so you don’t die?” And the person you gave it to… Like… no way to describe. He’d never seen anything like that before, and that turned into… “You… You’re not… There was, like, 5,000 people, and one piece of bread and fish. And everyone had food. It was crazy!” Or, like, Jesus was always driving demons out of people. Well, that was… Somebody was sad or depressed, and, back then, if someone was sad or depressed, you threw rocks at ’em until they jumped off a cliff and died. And you went, “He was sad, now he’s dead.” And then you look at the camera and go, “Biblical times. What are you gonna do?” And, instead, somebody came up and was like, “Hey, what’s wrong? I’ll listen to you. Talk to me. Maybe we can work this out.” “I was full of demons, and all these demons… The guy chased all the demons away.” A guy made you feel better. Which, better… But, look, there’s been… I’ve had sessions with my therapist where I have been so fucking depressed and horrible, and he’s talked me off the ledge. If he told me afterwards, “There were actually 3 demons in you and I scared ’em away.” I’m like, “Fine, whatever works. I’ll take it. That’s great, yeah. Demons, got it. Thanks, doc.” And raising people from the dead? That was immediate… I mean, there was… A guy fell down. In the street. Another guy starts walking towards him, the guy on the street was like, “Well, here comes my murder. I shouldn’t have fallen down. Time for me to get murdered.” That happened. Everyone was used to that. “I fell. Gonna get hit with a rock. He’s gonna take my stuff.” Instead the guy who walked up was like, “Give me your arm. I’ll help you up.” And the guy, as he pulled him up, he was like… That one, he just immediately turned to his friends and was like, “I was just dead. I was just dead.” Technically, he was. In his mind, he was dead. That’s what happened. You fall down, you die. “I was just dead, and I’m lying in the street. This guy starts walking up to me. I’m like, ‘I’m just gonna get murdered near this amaranth, ‘ and, instead, he… grabbed my arm and he pulled me up, and he brought me back from the dead. He already left. I forget his name. It’s Jesus, or Kirby, or something. I don’t know, but…” “…it was amazing.'” I’m going to leave you guys with this. Holy shit. What a fucking great crowd you are. Oh, my God, thank you! Thanks, guys. So… I still travel sometimes, on the weekends, to do stand-up. I love doing this. But I’m torn because I also love hanging out with my daughter. She’s ten, she’s awesome. I wanna have as many daddy-daughter days as I can before she’s a teenager and is like, “Your music sucks.” So, I want to hang out with her. And I was home a few weekends ago, and I was like, “Hey, I’m gonna be home. Tomorrow, when you wake up, it’s daddy-daughter day. You call the day. Anything you want, we’re gonna do. Daddy-daughter day.” So, next morning, she wakes up, wakes me, “Daddy, it’s daddy-daughter day.” I go, “What do you wanna do?” “Let’s make breakfast.” I made her breakfast. “What do you wanna do?” “I wanna go on the trampoline.” We went on the trampoline. “What do you wanna do now?” “I wanna do a jigsaw puzzle.” We did a jigsaw puzzle. “What do you wanna do now?” “I wanna read Harry Potter”. We read a chapter of Harry Potter. Now, it’s getting to be near noon. And I go, “Are you hungry? Do you want some lunch?” She goes, “Yeah, I want some lunch.” I said, “How about we go out to lunch?” She went, “Oh, my God!” I said, “Where do you wanna go?” And she immediately said, “Denny’s!” Because Denny’s is a destination restaurant when you’re 10 years old. Kids love Denny’s. Now, hang on. Stop. I know a lot of you are going, “Oh, he’s gonna make fun of Denny’s now for ten minutes.” Denny’s is not the problem in this bit, all right? I love Denny’s. Denny’s knows who they are, they know the space they take up in the universe. They are more self-actualized than any of us will ever be. They know what they are. I am the problem in this bit. ‘Cause I’m about to make a huge fuck-up. See if you can catch it. My daughter and I are driving to Denny’s. I go, “Sweetie, we’ll go to Denny’s, we’ll pop in, we’ll grab some lunch, we’ll pop back out, we’ll go play basketball at Beaman Park.” Oh, did you catch my fuck-up? You do not… pop into Denny’s, grab food, and then pop back out because you have someplace to be. Denny’s is where you end up… after a series… of bad decisions… and catastrophic twists of fate. That’s why Denny’s is there. And the whole operating procedure of Denny’s fits that event. You walk into Denny’s. Hostess meets you. No words are exchanged. She takes you to your booth, leaves you a glass of iced water, ’cause this could be day three. Gotta hydrate. She walks away for 20 minutes, leaves you alone. You appreciate that 20 minutes. You’re sitting there going, “Okay, well… not being chased right now, so let’s go through this. How many moves do I have left? Oh, my God, how did you fuck this up? Oh, my God.” Twenty minutes later, she comes back with a cup of coffee. You didn’t order it. She knows you need it. ‘Cause you’re hydrated. Now, it’s time to caffeinate. And plan your revenge. Sitting there and… “Tell me I’m extraneous. I’ll fucking burn that whole goddamn building down, I’ll show you who’s fucking extraneous. Bunch of assholes.” Twenty minutes later, she comes back. So, now, it’s been 40 minutes. But she comes back now with the menu. And everything on the Denny’s menu… There’s a picture of the food next to the description. That way you can order like this: “Fucking people are just riding me every goddamn… That. I’ll fucking kill… these fucking assholes… Motherfuckers.” Meanwhile, over at my table, I came in like an asshole. “Hey, she’s gonna get mac and cheese, steamed broccoli and some apple slices. I’m gonna get the Fit Slam breakfast and a cup of decaf, thanks.” And the waitress looked at me, like, “I don’t know what is going on here, I don’t know if you know where you are. Maybe this is, like, a weird custody thing going on and you’re… you’re trying to get to the state line or something. Maybe you better sit, have your iced water, think it through. You’ll appreciate it later. Everyone we’ve ever served quickly goes down in a hail of bullets. Just take time, think this shit through, all right? Sit, have your water, have your coffee.” So, I’m sitting there for 20 minutes with my water, my daughter’s happy as a clam. She has the kids menu. There’s word finds and mazes on it. She’s having a lot of fun. And I had time to look at the kids menu and see that… even the kids menu is all about preparing kids for that desperate 3:00 a.m., no-sleep-for-a-week Nick Cave-murder-song life… that we’re all heading for. Because they have these four little kiddie characters. They’re called the Grand Slams. These are real characters that Denny’s has on their kids menu. Little anthropomorphic breakfast foods. There’s a fried egg, there’s a pancake, there’s a strip of bacon, and there’s a sausage link. The fried egg, and I’m not making any kind of judgment… is a prostitute. Sorry. She’s a prostitute. She has way too much eye makeup on, her mouth is this kind of brave, broken little smile. Like, “I’m just… I’m out here. I’m trying, goddamnit. Okay? I didn’t ask for this. I was a golden yolk, and they dropped me into the skillet of life. And you know what? I’m proud of what I am, and I’m doing my best, okay? Don’t goddamn judge me.” And I, again… I had 40 minutes with these characters. I worked out back stories, and… relationships for all of them. The fried egg is a prostitute. The pancake is her son, and… I’m not going to put a name to it. But something’s wrong with the pancake, all right? I’m not gonna say what it is, but his eyes are a little close together. Go look at him. His eyes are close together, his smile is way too big, like he’s just not aware of a lot of the horror around him. You know what? How do I put this? Um… God gave him a curse and a gift. Does that make sense? All right. So… So, that’s her son. She’s doing what she can to raise him. All right? The bacon is the pancake’s dad. He’s not married to the fried egg. He doesn’t hate her. They’re just not married. And the economy, it’s all post-capitalism. Everything’s collapsing. He has to go wherever the work is. So, he’s like, “I got a job on an oil rig for eight months. It’s high-risk pay. I’ll send back whatever I can. They’re gonna take a big chunk out of my room and board, You know, but just do what you can while I’m gone to raise the kid. Okay? Do what you can.” When he says that to her, “Do what you can,” he knows she’s hooking. All right? And he’s not judging her, okay? They’re all struggling. He’s out in the North Atlantic… getting the last of the crude oil out of the earth. It’s all… It’s all gonna collapse. But, goddamnit, he’s gonna try to help that pancake. And the sausage… is the fried egg’s regular customer, okay? They… He… He… and the… Look… he and the strip of bacon served together in Desert Storm, and they’re kinda… It’s sort of… And he’s in the… Look… He’s in a shitty marriage, okay? He’s not… He married some hash browns. They’re not part of the Grand Slams. She didn’t wanna be a part of it. She’s got a lot of problems. And you look at him, like… He’s very sweaty and, like, “Hey.” You know what I mean? He always looks like he’s kinda going, “Come on. My wife is at her Zumba class for the next hour. We have an hour. Can I come by for, like, an hour and…” And then she’s gotta tell the pancake, like, “Hey, Mommy’s friend’s gonna come over, and, uh… why don’t you go… go play with your PAW Patrol toys for a while. Can you do that? Can you play with your PAW… Oh, go work on your spelling. Go do a couple of your spelling sheets, okay? Mommy’s gonna be with her friend and then, afterward, how about we’ll go get some ice cream? Okay? I’ll have money to get some ice cream. You wanna go do that? But you gotta go… You gotta play with your PAW Patrol toys, do your spelling. Go work on your spelling, and don’t bother Mommy for the next hour, okay? Okay? Go work on your spelling. Go do your spelling. Okay.” The pancake is 32 years old, by the way. I don’t know if I mentioned that. It’s… Look, there’s a lot… They’re… She’s doing her best, god damn it! Denny’s has to put the calorie amounts on all their food. And God bless Denny’s. They’re like, “I don’t think you wanna hear this, but we’ll tell you. I’m not gonna… I got nothing to hide, but do you wanna hear… You gonna… You’re not gonna leave this alone, huh? Okay. Ready? Healthy grain pancakes, 1,200 calories. That’s right. Day and a half worth of calories on one plate. I dunno what to tell you. Yes, that’s before syrup and butter.” The Denny’s menu is the caloric equivalent of going, “Fine, I fucked your brother, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I fucked your brother. There. Did everyone hear that? I fucked his brother. All right? Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.” And, on the kids menu, the mac and cheese… You know what the picture for the mac and cheese is? A box of Kraft macaroni and cheese! They’re not even hiding it. “Yeah, we’ll go make… We’ll open a box of Kraft mac and cheese for you and make it. Yeah, it’s 89 cents if you made it at home, four bucks here. There you go. And we’ll charge you four dollars. Eighty-nine cents if you had it at home. But you probably can’t go home, can you? Mmm, no. Probably can’t. There’s people there waiting to talk to you, right? A lot of shit missing around the office? Okay. How about you have some carbs and get your story straight? You’ll… You’ll thank us later.” They brought my cup of decaf out. On the cup, Denny’s logo… and the Denny’s slogan. And the slogan was… “It’s always sunny at Denny’s.” Period. Not exclamation point. Not “It’s always sunny at Denny’s!” Nope, that’s the wrong read. You’re not going to get the part. Look at the script again. This is the right read. It’s always sunny at Denny’s. I wanna do a commercial for Denny’s… so badly. I wanna… I wanna direct it, I wanna star in it. I have the perfect commercial. It will land with their demographic so hard. Thirty-second commercial, all right? I’m sitting in a booth, got my coffee cup, staring out the window. Right? It’s raining. And from the light coming in, it’s either dawn… or dusk. I’ve either been up all night, or I’m about to be up all night. Thirty-second commercial. First 28 seconds, I don’t say anything. I just stare out the window. Then, in the last two seconds, I bring my cup up, and you can barely hear me say, “It’s always sunny at Denny’s.” Thank you, Charlotte! Thank you so much! Oh, my God! Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you so much, all of you. Good night! Thank you so much for watching. And, as a little bonus, my friend, Bob Rubin, huge influence on me, huge influence on a lot of comedians you love, has shot a special, and I’ve added it to mine. So, if you just stay where you are, his special is about to start. He is a genius. He’s crazy. Watch the first five minutes of his special. I guarantee, you are going to be hooked. Bob Rubin. It’s starting in a second. Thank you, guys, so much. And thank you, Charlotte!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-homecoming-king-transcript/

[theme music: orchestral hip-hop] [crowd roars] What’s up? Davis, what’s up? I’m home. I had to bring it back here. Netflix said, “Where do you want to do the special? LA, Chicago, New York?” I was like, “Nah, son. Davis California.” [cheering, whooping] This has, um… This has been a very good year for me. I recently got married, you guys. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. I need the claps. It’s a very heavy ring. Very heavy. It was a reverse Lord of the Rings situation. I got a ring and then lost my powers, which is a very different Lord of the Rings. “Listening? Compromise? Take the ring, Sam.” The movie is done in eight minutes. It’s not a 90-hour saga. We just celebrated our one-year anniversary, so it’s one year down, forever to go. Which is terrifying to say. But you know what’s great? Now, it’s just kind of liberating. Because I don’t give a fuck about any of my single friends. I don’t care about any of you and it feels great. Because you guys are at home, just swiping for love, and complaining. “Oh, how do you find people?” “Dimples? Off with his head!” Like a god-damn emperor. “Brunettes? Not for me.” I’m like, “You work at Subway. You don’t deserve so much choice.” We’re getting soft. You realize my parents physically never saw each other? Thirty years ago in a town in India, population 990,000 — that’s a small town — my dad heard a buzz in the streets about this woman named Seema, my mom. And, like, Seema was that chick, you guys. In ’82, Seema could get… Look at that red langa. Killing it! She was like the iPhone 8. “Have you heard of Seema? She’s slim. Her family owns a camera.” My dad was like, “A camera?” So he runs to my grandfather’s house and lays it on the line. “I’m going to America. I want to marry Seema. YOLO.” In ten minutes, the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on. You understand? That’s Tinder with no photos. [laughter] “I want that for the rest of my life. I hope she has a good personality. Let’s move to the US where we’re the only people that know each other.” I’m so grateful for that decision. Najmi marries Question Mark, they come to the States, I come out. Popping out of your mom is like real estate. It’s all about location. I popped out here. Anybody br0wn, we popped out here, we made it. We’re the rappers that made it. What’s wild is, I never even knew how the whole X-Men Origins story went down. It’s crazy, because we know nothing about our parents and our parents know nothing about us. “Dad, your favorite color?” “Stanford!” “What? No.” “No, I want to know more about you.” “Why? Get into Stanford.” And I think it’s just that, like, immigrants love secrets. Right? They love them. They love bottling them up deep down, and unleashing them on you later when it’s no longer relevant. “Mom’s a ninja, Dad’s a communist? Why are you telling me this right now?” Every conversation with my dad is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. It’s just 90 minutes of build-up to no payoff. [laughs and applause] “That’s the ending?” So my dad marries my mom, they come to the States, they have me, in Davis, California, but my mom has to go back to India to finish up med school. So the first eight years, it was just me and my dad. Just the two of us trying to make it in America. Minus all the unconditional love. Br0wn love is very conditional. In the photo he’s like, “You had better get all As.” Like, let’s be real. I grew up here. Like, Pioneer… I grew up here. Yeah. [huge cheer] But Davis was, like, super white. Kind of like tonight. [laughter] Roll call was a problem. It was a big deal for a lot of us. Like, what’s your name? Jasura. Okay. What would you get? Jasuriah. Jasuriah? Yeah. I would get, like, “Hanson Minaja…” “Sahan Minha.” “Saddam Hussein.” It was my English teacher. “I’m not Saddam.” What’s your name? Biju. What would you get? A blank stare. A blank stare? I’m the only br0wn kid at school, Dad is the only br0wn guy at work. In a weird way that brings us together, and we have to do everything together. Try to understand immigrant fathers. I still can’t understand some of you. There are uncles here. None of you guys are smiling. I don’t get it. You’re going to die. Laugh. Why aren’t you laughing? You’re always stressed and always tired. You could wake up any immigrant father from a 12-hour nap, and they’d say… [angry yawn] “Why do I have to pay taxes?” You’re like, “Jesus…” We’d do everything… I remember being in the grocery store. And we’d be walking through the aisles, and my dad would pick up yogurt. “Ah, yogurt.” Or milk. Just like, “Ah.” And I’d look at him and be like, “Oh, man. Dad hates yogurt.” [laughter] “He hates milk.” But I get that look, now. Life is tough and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing. He has a little kid and I’m not making his life any easier. I’m picking up soda and I’m like, “Ah!” “Don’t do that.” “I’m going to live forever!” Then I would trip on my Velcro shoes and I would drop the soda and it would explode. And then my dad would do what most br0wn parents do. He would check to see if the coast is clear… and he’d slap the shit out of me. [laughter] I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Pockets were acknowledging that. And for the liberal white guilt, immigrants aren’t going to hit their children the way you do. Americans hit on the arm and bruise the body. Immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul. It’s Guantanamo of the mind. And I know some of you guys are like, “Hey, this is Davis, okay? I listen to NPR. Ira Glass says children are our future.” Have you seen the show called The Slap? This is a real show on NBC. This is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party. Are you fucking kidding? Thirteen episodes for this kid? Are you kidding me? Do you know when br0wn kids get slapped? Every br0wn birthday party. And usually it’s the kid whose birthday it is, and we stand there and point and laugh. We go, “Ah, Biju got slapped on his birthday!” And that’s what makes us tough and resilient. It’s why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees. Slapping is important. It elevates your game. You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee? Incredible! Ice water in the veins. [laughter] That kid won’t choke on camera. He’s been slapped on camera. Of course he can spell “knaidel”. Knaidel. Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing! He’s 12 years old. Nothing! This kid just won $30,000 cash. Nothing. People ask, “Where does that come from?” Look at this kid’s parents. Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Look at his brother. His brother is like, “I’m fucked. I’m fucked. The bar is way too high. I should kill myself.” People say, “Where’s Bobby Jindal from?” That’s where he comes from. That is an Indian sociopath. [raucous laughter] I know what happens when I talk about this. People say, “Your parents don’t love you.” I think our parents love us. We have great fathers. I just think our fathers didn’t download all the great dad software. There are just a few apps missing. Birthdays aren’t their thing. Every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the US… Happy Birthday. Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways, happy birthday. No more birthdays. Go be president. At an interview, this lady said, “Describe your earliest birthday memory.” I was like, “Do I have to?” So I’m six, I’m turning seven. My dad wakes me up super early in the morning. “Hasan, get up! Get in the Camry.” The immigrant car of choice. We get in the Camry, we’re driving from Davis to Sacramento. There’s one mall in the entire area. Arden. We get to this intersection, and I look to my left, and it’s the one place every kid dreams about. Toys ‘R’ Us. I was like, “Oh, shit! Dad saw the Toys ‘R’ Us catalog on my wall. He saw my vision board. He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted. He’s here to surprise me. Turn left. Turn left. Turn… left.” Then he turns right, and I’m like, “Home Depot? No!” I’m like, “Why are we here? Do you know what day it is?” “It’s Saturday.” “No, it’s my birthday. Did you forget?” He’s like, “Hasan, how could I forget that it’s your birthday? That’s why I brought you here. So you could pick the door handle for the bathroom.” [laughter] And I was like, “Why don’t you have me pick out the toilet? You are shitting on my dreams.” I didn’t say that. I would have gotten a slap. I wanted to say that. That’s when I realized there’s a generational gap between us and our parents. You’re going to fight with your parents, and there’s a finite number of hands you can play. You know about this. Not going to be a doctor? That’s a hand. Marry a white girl? Boom! That’s a big hand. [laughter, applause] I could have been like, “Dad, fight me. I want that bike.” But I was like, “Hang on to your cards. You’ll need them later.” Like, I had vision as a six-year-old. And my mom, she would come and visit, and just kill the mom game. One year, she came to school and brought me a Ghostbusters proton pack. The wheelie thing, the backpack, the gun that catches ghosts… Literally shut Pioneer down. Kids were losing their minds. “What? Saddam Hussein’s a Ghostbuster?” “Yeah, I’m a br0wn Ghostbuster. Deal with it.” One of the happiest days of my life. But then she would go back to India. That’s when I realized I don’t want a toy. I just want my mom. I want to be a family. I was very emo. I was like Drake. I missed that girl. “When is she coming back? I need her in my life. I need her. I need that girl. I need that girl in my life. I need her, Dad. She used to call me on my phone.” My dad’s like, “When the visa comes through.” “When the visa comes through.” It’s a big deal. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s difficult to get in this country. It’s not like a broken condom where you’re like, “I’m in!” [laughter] Eight years. August 11th, 1993. I’m so excited. I put on my Ghostbusters proton pack. I’m standing there. Dad goes, “Put on Indian clothes.” I’m like, “Alright. I can be an Indian ghostbuster.” I put on a Salwar Kameez. I’m standing there. Door opens. Dad walks through. Mom walks through. And then immediately behind my mom, is this little br0wn girl with a mushroom cut. She runs up to me and hugs me. “Hasan bhai!” And I’m in full hover-hands mode, because I have no idea who this person is. What happened was, my dad would go back and forth to India to visit my mom, and during one trip he knocked her up. [shocked laughter] And I had a sister. But no one told me about it. [uproarious laughter] Remember how I told you that immigrants love secrets? This is a secret that nobody told me! He says, “Hug her.” “You brought her out like Maury for immigrants.” “Hasan, you are the brother.” I’m like, “No, no!” She was breakdancing, and I’m like, “Who the fuck are you?” “You don’t know me?” “I’ve no idea who you are.” I hated that br0wn girl so much. I was like, “Build that wall.” I was like a little Republican. I was like, “I get it.” I remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table. “Look, Mom, Dad, let’s just be real. Oh, my God, these br0wn people… Oh, jeez. Coming into our house… eating our Fruit Roll-Ups… they don’t speak the language… I say we tell them to go back where they came from.” He’s like, “You can’t say that. We’re family.” I’m like, “No, that’s on you and Mom. You guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on, and bring over this FOB. That’s on you, that’s not on me.” Why do you do this to your daughters? Every single br0wn mother makes your daughter quinceañera dress, chop cuts. Why? Princess from here down, Toad from here up. I’ve got this shit following me around on the playground. “Hasan bhai!” I’m like, “Yo, kick rocks!” I go play tetherball. “Hasan bhai!” “Get lost!” Eventually, I run to the boys’ bathroom. She follows me into the bathroom. “Hasan bhai!” All the kids at the urinal are like, “Uh! What’s Hasan-bye?” I went to school with a bunch of Ryan Lochtes. Just all traps. [slow, stupid voice] “Uh, I don’t understand other cultures, bro. What is that? What does it mean?” It’s a term of endearment in my culture, meaning “brother”. “Shut up, Cody!” I took that anger and channeled it at her. I was like, “Hey! You’re not my sister.” [gasps in audience] But she couldn’t understand English. [laughter, applause] But she got what I was saying. She starts crying and runs out. I was like, “No! She’s going to tell Dad.” Let’s focus on what’s important here. But she didn’t. And my dad… It was her first birthday in the US. She was turning five. So for her first birthday, he wanted it to be special. I can imagine being a father, missing your daughter’s first steps, her first time saying “Dada…” That’s a hard thing. So for her birthday, he brings everyone into the living room. He drags in this big box and goes, “Aisha, open the box.” She cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps, and I see “Toys ‘R’ Us” emblazoned on one of the flaps. And he reaches in, and pulls out a beautiful, blue BMX bike. [audience gasps] “Here you go, Aisha.” He looks at me. “Happy Birthday.” [shocked laughter, booing] Savage, right? I’m livid. I’m like, “Yo, when did Home Depot Dad become Danny Tanner? This is bullshit. Really?” I’m livid. And Aisha senses it. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, why don’t you take it out?” And as an elder brother, I felt entitled to that bike. “That’s my bike. Thank you.” Younger siblings, you guys are worthless. You bring nothing to the table. I see you getting mad. “Hell, no. I have a personality.” Where do you think you got that from, dummy? Us. Clothes, culture, money. “Whoa! I have opinions.” No, you don’t. And then you have the audacity to be, like, “Hey, why are you so melodramatic?” Because I went to war for you. Mom and Dad was my Vietnam. And you’re like, “Everybody loves me.” It’s such bullshit, right? Elder siblings, we walk through the world like, “Do people love me?” And you’re like, “Mom and Dad fucked up with you, not with me.” [shocked laughter] She’s like, “Take it for one lap around the block.” [speaking Hindi] I grab those handlebars, I’m like, “Fuck that noise.” Boom. I take off. She’s like, “Hasan bhai, come back!” I’m like, “Eat my dust, immigrant.” I’m flying. I see a curb. I’m about to pop a wheelie. The bike goes left, I go right. And that beautiful blue BMX bike… Bam! It crashes into the cement. All the paint is chipped off the right side of the bike. I pick it up, and it’s destroyed. I hear the patter of her chappals. She’s crying, “Hasan bhai, why would you do this?” Animé tears of innocence. “Why? I gave you the first ride.” And I’m looking down at her, and I’m like, “Man… I’m being a dick.” Like, this whole time I was looking for acceptance from Cody, Corey and Cole… [laughter] and I had it right here this entire time. I’m supposed to be her big brother, help her navigate the American dream and protect her. And I’m out here stealing her bike? This is fucked up. And Aisha hates that story. She’s always like, “Oh, my God, you are so melodramatic. You make me sound like a refugee baby.” That’s true. I’m doing that right now. It’s not fair, because she’s not a refugee. And, like, she learned English. She went to an Ivy League law school. She does mergers and acquisitions now. She is the one percent. Meanwhile, I… I didn’t go to grad school. I became a comedian. This is what I do. And then, when it came time for me to get married, I got married to a girl from a Hindu family. I heard an audible “Oh!” Alright. Fuck. I heard you go, like, “Ugh!” I didn’t punch you. Damn! So some of you guys don’t know. Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India. We’ve been warring for centuries. You’re like, “What’s the difference? You look the same.” So how do I explain this? Hindus and Muslims. So Hindus… Hindus don’t eat beef. “No beef!” Right? And Muslims, we don’t eat pork. “Is that pepperoni pizza? No. No pepperoni!” And then Hindus, they like statues. They’re like, “Oh! This is a statue of an elephant. I’m going to put this in my car.” [laughter, applause] Muslims are like, “No statues! Calligraphy! We’re about the alphabet. We put that in our car. We’re different.” And then Hindus, they like cartoons. They’re like, “Oh, this is a cartoon Ganesh. I’ll just put this on the wall.” And Muslims… we don’t really, uh, like cartoons. We’ve got to get better about our cartoon policy. Because of this we’ve been killing each other for centuries. And I know the older generation doesn’t like those jokes. “Pakistan was created because of this reason.” I know, but… I convinced my dad. “Dad, I love her, she loves me. Isn’t there something bigger that unites all of us outside of race, color, creed, class? This is America. We can choose what we want to adhere from the motherland. Isn’t life like biryani, where you push the weird shit to the side? Why do we got to adhere to this weird shit from back over there? He agrees. He’s like, “That’s a good point. Fine. You should get married.” That’s a Hall of Fame br0wn dad decision. There’s br0wn dads here, like, “If my son did that, I would shoot myself and then shoot him.” He says yes. We rally the troops, Me, Mom, Dad, Aisha, we get in the Camry, we’re driving to my fiancée’s house. And we’re about to pull up and we get to the door, and my dad is about to ring the doorbell, when he says the sentence that is the killer of every br0wn kid’s dream. He goes, “I don’t think we should do this. Log kya kahenge? [audience gasps] “What will people think?” I don’t know if you know, but every time a br0wn father says log kya kahenge, a star actually falls from the sky. [laughter] “I don’t want to be a doctor!” “Log kya kahenge!” No! “I don’t want to marry!” “Log kya kahenge!” Why? I bet you, when Mahatma Gandhi told his parents he was going to liberate India, even they were like, “Log kya kahenge! “Stop marching. The British are going to talk shit about us. Why are you bald and skinny? You’re never going to get married.” And I’m standing there… on that doorstep. [applause, cheering] Wait, I’m standing there… on that doorstep, like, “Wait, you want me to change my life because of log kya kahenge? Come on, Dad. How many times do we complain about racism in our community? All the time. Now the ball is in our court, we’re going to be bigoted? Dad, I promise you, God doesn’t like bigotry. God’s not like, ‘You’re racist. Good job.’ No! Number two, you want me to change my life to appease some aunty and uncle I’m never going to see? You want me to change my life for Naila Aunty? Fuck Naila Aunty. Are you fucking kidding me? My life?” But I can’t say that. Because I’ve played all my cards. So I can’t say anything. Now I’m losing hope. I’m, like, “Maybe this is bigger than me. Why can’t I put my head down and do what I’m supposed to do? This ain’t Jodhaa Akbar.” Have you ever been trapped by the time you live in? It’s been going on for centuries. So I’m walking back to the Camry, then I hear a voice behind me. “Oh, my God. You guys do this all the time.” And it is Aisha, and she is pissed. And she’s like, “Dad, I did not fly out from Philly for this.” [laughter] “Beena is so legit. She has a PhD. Hasan bhai is a comedian.” [laughter, applause, whooping] “No one is going to marry him. Get him married before she changes her mind.” She stepped up. She laid down one of her cards for me. She Phil Jacksoned that situation. She got all these people working together. Because of her, I got to marry the love of my life. Because of my sister. I can’t believe it. [rapturous applause] For years I resented that br0wn girl. I hated her. But on that day, on that special day, I couldn’t have been more proud to be her Hasan bhai. [applause, whistling] [whooping] [huge applause] [applause fades] You know, they say every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy. And it’s wild that our kids will never know there was a period in time in this country where you had to make a choice between being on the internet or being on the phone. [laughter] They won’t get it, dude. You’ll never get it. You don’t get it, man. You won’t. That was our World War I, man. Especially in middle school, if a girl called the house, you had to pick up the phone before your parents. We used to have landlines. It’s like phones connected to the land. And one time in middle school a girl called the house. My dad picked it up before me. “Hello, who is this?” “Hi, it’s Alice. Is Hasan there?” “What you want, Alice?” I was like, “I’m going to die a virgin.” “I’m in Geometry with Hasan. I had a question. Can I ask him the question?” He’s like, “Okay, Alice. Why don’t you ask me the question, then I’ll ask Hasan?” That’s the way our parents are. Ages zero through 30, “No girls!” At 35, “Why can’t you talk to girls?” That’s basically it. “Ah, you kill me!” [applause, whooping] That’s the way our parents are, right? Our parents are like a firewall to the outside world. They disseminate information to us. It’s like living in North Korea. My dad is the leader of the household. So when 9-11 happened I was in high school. My dad sits everybody down. He’s like, “Hasan, whatever you do, do not tell people you’re Muslim or talk about politics.” “Alright, Dad, I’ll just hide it. This just rubs off.” We’re sitting there. Phone rings. I run, but my dad beats me to the phone. “Hello?” I grab the second phone. I hear a voice. “Hey, you sand n*gger, where’s Osama?” [audience gasps] He looks at me. “You can hear me, right? You fucking dune coon. Where’s Osama?” “Hey, 2631 Regatta Lane, that’s where you live, right? I’m going to fucking kill you.” Click. And my dad’s looking at me. Do you ever see your parents, and you see the mortality in them? I’m looking at my dad and I see all five-seven of him. And that’s when I realize I’m a darapok. I’m a scaredy-cat. We can speak two languages. We can speak at home and outside. I should have said something. I didn’t. We sit down. I hear “thud, thud, thud” outside. Me and Dad run outside and all the windows on the Camry are smashed in. My backpack’s open. “Fuck, they stole my stuff.” I reach and I pull out my backpack. Pieces of glass get caught in my arm. Now blood is gushing down my arm, and I’m pissed, I’m fucking mad. Fuck this, man! These kids know where we live, they’re timing this, so they’re watching us. So I’m looking in the trees, the bushes… I look back in the middle of the street, my dad is in the middle of the road sweeping glass out of the road like he works at a barbershop. “We’ve got customers. Log kya kahenge? We’ve got to clean this up.” Zen! Br0wn Mr Miyagi, just, like, not saying a word. I’m like, “Why aren’t you saying something? I’m asking you, say something!” He looks at me and goes, “Hasan…” [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi] “These things happen, and these things will continue to happen. That’s the price we pay for being here.” That’s when I was like, “We really are from two different generations.” BMX bikes aside. My dad’s from that generation where he feels like if you come to this country, you pay the American dream tax. You endure racism, and if it doesn’t cost you your life, pay it. There you go, Uncle Sam. But for me, I was born here. So I actually have the audacity of equality. I’m like, “I’m in Honors Gov, I have it right here. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. All men created equal.” It says it right here, I’m equal. I’m equal. I don’t deserve this. [deafening applause] But as soon as I say that… He looks at me like I believe in Santa. “Hasan, you’ll never understand.” “I’ll never understand? Dad, you’re the guy that will argue with the cashier at Costco when he doesn’t let you return used underwear. And now you want to be the bigger man? Now you’re like, ‘Let’s be reasonable with the bigots.’ What?” And then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet. And I honestly don’t know who is more right. Maybe he’s right. Put your head down. Be a doctor, get a house in the burbs, let them call them whatever you want. But isn’t it our job to push the needle forward little by little? Isn’t that how all this stuff happens? I don’t know. The pendulum swings back and forth for me. And I know 9/11 is a super touchy subject. I understand. Because when it happened, everyone in America felt like their country was under attack. But on that night, September 12th, it was the first night of so many nights where my family’s loyalty to this country was under attack. And it always sucks. As immigrants we always have to put on these press releases to prove our patriotism. We’re auditioning. “We love this country, please believe me.” Nobody loves this country more than us. I fell in love here. Six years old, Janice Malo. I saw her in the sandbox. I run up to her. First grade. “I love you!” “You’re the color of poop.” That’s memory number one. The first time you experience racism? I was like, “What? Oh, no! It’s not rubbing off!” I was fucking terrified. It was like Inception. There were so many levels. I just wanted to wake up and be like, “Oh, it was all a dream. I’m JGL. It was all a dream.” But it’s not a dream, it’s the universe telling you, “It’s a Fair and Lovely world. Navigate accordingly.” In the third grade, Miss Anderson said, “Write what you want to be.” Some kids were like, “an astronaut,” or “a firefighter.” I was like, “I want to be white.” [shocked laughter] “What do you mean?” “I want this part of my skin to be all of my skin.” And it wasn’t like, “I hate melanin.” I love melanin. I’ve never gotten a sunburn. I’m blessed. [laughter, applause, whooping] But when you’re white and you’re playing the video game of life, and your avatar is white, you just get asked less questions along the way. You pop out. Boom. “I want to be Batman.” “Well, of course. Batman is white. Duh!” “I want to be president.” “Duh! Forty-four-and-a-half presidents are white. We’ve had a great track record.” And I know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people. I know you guys have problems. I’ve seen Girls. [laughter] My dad did not give a shit about any of this identity stuff. His rules with me were very simple. “No fun, no girlfriends. Have fun in med school.” Which is a huge lie. It never gets popping in med school. I’ve never been to a club and seen nine dudes: “Yo, what’s going on?” “What’s going on? Residency, fam!” Never happens. “I got a career I hate from my parents.” It’s a lie. We buy into it. So by my senior year of high school, I had yet to go to a school dance, I had been cut from the basketball team, and I had just got off this medicine called Accutane so my skin and face was peeling. I’m crushing life. Out here, killing it. No one did that. Don’t clap. No one did that for that photo. No one ever did that at my school. It’s too late. But there was one bright spot, this girl named Bethany Reed. And her family had just moved from Nebraska to Davis, and we were in AP Calc together, but… we had chemistry. She sat behind me, first day, she’s like, “Hey… what’s your AIM screen name?” [laughter] I was like, “It’s about to go down. Do you want it? I could give it to you.” Whatever I lacked in real-life game, my digital game… bananas. Status updates, away messages, sub profile, Boyz II Men. Don’t say you don’t like “Water Runs Dry”. I was a lover. Late at night on AIM, back and forth, back and forth… You guys don’t know this. Some of you guys are just in college, Snapchatting. Back in the day, we had to fire up the internet like goddamn cavemen. You know what I mean? [makes long, crackling, buzzing noise] [blows] If someone picked up the phone, “Hey, get off the phone! I’m trying to talk to somebody!” That’s how we would communicate. Late at night, back and forth, back and forth. One night she was like, “Hey, come over.” I bike over to her place, white picket fence, McMansion, Ford Expedition, Eddie Bauer edition. [audience cheers] “Oh, they made it!” Mrs Reed opens the door. Her father is this successful retired judge. Mrs Reed’s like, “You want br0wnies?” “Yeah. Cool.” “Hey, stay for dinner.” “We just had br0wnies, but okay.” We’re sitting there at the dinner table. And now Mrs Reed’s like, “Hey, honey, we know so much about Bethany, but we don’t know anything about you. What do you like? What are you into?” I was like, “What?” [laughter] “What do I like? Um… Nobody… Nobody has ever asked me that before.” [laughter] “I guess I like acoustic guitar.” “You should do that. You should follow your dreams.” [laughter] “Maybe I will. Maybe I will follow my dreams.” Then Bethany’s like, “Hey, we always study at my house. Why don’t we study at your house?” I was like, “I’ve got to go.” What, invite you over to my house? You walk in: “What language are you guys speaking? What’s that smell?” I’m not going to open myself up to that. But I was like, “No, she’s different.” I hit her up late at night. “Mom, Dad, a school friend is coming over. Everyone here, please be normal.” My dad is like, “We are normal.” Killing me, you know what I mean? “Hasan, we’re normal. Be proud. You should be proud.” Who is proud? No one is. You’re walking around like a rooster. I’m not proud and no one is proud. We get there. We’re sitting on my living room table. My mom and dad are arguing in Hindi. My mom is frying pakoras. The fobbiest thing ever. Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is playing on Zee TV. But it’s too much. It’s all coming at this girl. It’s too much. You’ve got to ease your way in. She’s from Nebraska. Soul cycle, yoga, then Zee TV. Don’t just, like, go into it. So I’m looking at her, like, “Don’t say anything. Please don’t say anything.” She looks up from her book, and she’s like, “You know what? This is really nice. We should do this more often. This is really nice.” And I look at her, and I’m like, “Oh, my God. I love you, my white princess.” [laughter] “You see me. I don’t got to change who I am? I can be me!” So I’m going back and forth. Her house, my house. One night, we’re on the living room table. We’re doing integrals. [laughter] She closes her book. She’s like, “Hey. It’s late.” And I’m like, “It is late.” And she’s like… “I should go home.” I was like, “Yeah, you should…” Why did you say that? That was your chance. Don’t do that. I said, “Wait, let me walk you out.” So I’m walking her out. She gets in the car. I’m about to close the door. She rams her arm into the door, leans out and gives me a kiss. “I love you.” Drives off into the night. Like a fucking G! Because she knew the rules. She knew the rules. No fun, no friends, no girlfriends. All we had was that stolen moment in my driveway. You guys are like, “I was getting handjobs when I was nine.” Not me. Not this guy. Not you, not you, not you. Not us. I was like, “Are we getting married? I have to change my pants. We are definitely getting married. When is the shaadi?” [applause] Now, my AP Calc class was a group of overachievers and my Calc teacher, Mr Pendleton, wanted us to live lives outside of school. So one day he gets up in front of the entire class. “Alright, you guys are all killing it academically but I want you to know there is more to life than just getting into UC Berkeley.” One kid was like, “I know, getting into Stanford.” He’s like, “No, you have to live a life worth talking about, which is why I’m making it mandatory for everyone in this class to go to prom.” I’m like, “All 30 of us? We’re all going to prom? AP Calc? Us? Me, Jehovah’s Witness girl, Korean exchange students, going to the prom? Thirty for 30? All of us?” I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. He’s like, “Hanson, this is not funny.” He walks over to the board, he pulls it down. It’s a bracket with everybody’s name on it leading up to the big dance. It’s March Madness for nerds. I’m like, “Whatever, it’s not going to happen. He can’t do this.” Weeks go by. Kids start getting dates. Three days before prom he walks to the board. Last two names: Hasan Minhaj, Bethany Reed. The class goes nuts. They’re like, “Oh! They’re going to fuck!” “No, we’re not! Are we? No, no we’re not.” I look at her, “Please don’t say anything.” She says nothing, like a G. [laughter] Bell rings. I’m walking to my locker. I hear footsteps. She’s like, “Wait up.” I was like, “What’s up?” “Oh, that was crazy back there. What are the chances?” She’s like, “Listen, you know, ever since my family moved from Nebraska, you’ve been my best friend. And you’re really special to me. This year wouldn’t be the same without you. So I was wondering, will you go to prom with me?” [applause, whooping] I was like, “Yes, my white princess.” As soon as I said that, I was like, “No!” I had bitten off more than I could chew. “No, wait. You’ve got cards to play. You’re good. You’re a good kid. Also, remember, parents respect honesty. You’ve seen this on TV. If you go home and are honest, your parents will be like, ‘Even though I disagree with you, I respect your candor. Therefore I will grant your wish.'” I ran home, I was like, “Dad, I would like to go to prom.” [speaking Hindi] Which means, “I will break your face.” “Duly noted, father.” “Bethany, situation at home. Father doesn’t want us to go to prom. I’m going to sneak out. I live on the second story. I’m going to jump off and land on my bike. I’ll bike to your place, we dance it up, and if I die, I had a great run.” You know? You’re going to die, so put it on the tombstone. “Hasan Minhaj, 4.3 GPA, kissed a white girl.” What an amazing way to go. The night of prom rolls around. I put on the JC Penney suit. Spray on the Michael Jordan cologne. Six puffs, one for each championship. You don’t want to overkill it with the MJ cologne. Don’t be tacky. I’m scaling down the side of my roof, scraping my knees. I jump off the roof. It’s like 20 feet. I jump off, I somehow land, I get on my bike. It’s beautiful, the sun is setting, it’s one of those gorgeous evenings. And I’m biking with my knees bowed out. So my slacks don’t get caught up in the chains. Fast enough to get there, but slow enough to not get pit stains. I’m balancing the corsage. [panting] “Alright, go. Go. You’re good. You’re getting there.” [wild applause and cheering] I get to her house. I park my bike. I’m walking up to the doorstep, and I’m about to ring the doorbell when I’m like, “Wait. 30 second time-out. Do you understand what’s about to go down? You’re about to go to prom with Bethany motherfucking Reed.” [applause] “This is the American dream. This is what Dad fought for.” Ding-dong. Mrs Reed opens the door. She has this look of concern. And I look over her shoulder, and I see Jeff Burke putting a corsage on Bethany’s wrist. [audience sighs] And she’s like, “Oh, my God, honey, did Bethany not tell you? Sweetie, we love you, we think you’re great. We love that you come over and study. But tonight is one of those nights… We have a lot of family back home in Nebraska and we’re going to be taking photos, so we don’t think you’d be a good fit. Do you need a ride home? Mr Reed can give you a ride home.” And I was like, “No, I have my bike.” And I just biked home and played Mario Kart. That’s the nicest I’ve ever been dressed, playing Mario Kart. [laughter] I wish I had said, “Fuck that, I’m going to the dance.” I didn’t. The sad part is, I felt bad for being there. Who was I to ruin their picture-perfect celebration? You’ve seen movies. How many times do you see that on screen? And it’s not like they were yokels yelling “sand n*gger!” I could let that pass. I’d eaten off their plates, kissed their daughter. I didn’t know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you. It’s hard when you see people saying they love you but they’re afraid at the same time. And I didn’t know what that meant. [applause] Then the following Monday, during first period she finds me. She’s like, “Everybody has been asking why we didn’t go. Please don’t say anything. It’s a generational thing. Please don’t say anything.” And I look at her. Second period rolls around like clockwork. Mr Pendleton’s like, “So, lovebirds, what happened? Everybody’s wondering.” So I’m, like, “Yeah, what happened?” Looking at her. She just looks down. Now everybody’s looking at me so I’ve got to improvise. I was like, “Yeah, you know, I decided not to go. I mean, dances are overrated. They’re a cliché. I decided not to go.” Everybody in the class looked at me. “Wow, you dick.” “You stood up the new girl? Thank God Jeff took her. You’re a dick.” That’s the last time we ever spoke. And you know, time has passed, and I don’t really think about that day. I mean, I did write a show about it, but… [laughter] like a lot of people… [cheering] [more cheering, whooping] …you move on to different chapters of your life. You have selective memory. You’re in college. Tools, Clear History. Out of college. Tools, Clear History. Never did that. Married. Tools, Clear History. Never happened. Second marriage, Tools, Clear History. Never happened. But for the most part, I actually think about it the way my dad does. “Oh, you couldn’t go to prom with a white girl? Who gives a fuck? At least your spine isn’t getting shattered in a police wagon, though it’s happening to African-Americans to this day. So this is a tax you have to pay? I’ll pay it. ‘I can’t date your daughter.’ I don’t give a fuck, Uncle Sam. Take it.” But then I realized, wait, hold on. Why is it every time the collateral damage has to be death, for us to talk about this? A kid has to get shot 16 times for us to be like, “Maybe we have a race problem.” For every Trayvon Martin or Ahmed the clock kid, there is bigotry that happens every day. Because we’re too afraid of the Other. Someone who’s not in our tribe. I wish I could tell 18-year-old me, “Hey, man, don’t let this experience define you. It’s good people and bad people. Irrespective of creed, class, color, find those people. Because love is bigger than fear.” I wish I could tell him that. I really believe that. [applause, cheering] I really believe love is bigger than fear. Fox News has taught me that. Fox News is incredible. I’ve never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color. It is amazing. And Fox News is in New York. They’re in New York. Daily Show, Fox News, five avenues away from each other. That’s it. Professor X, Magneto, that close. Every day I walk past their building during lunch. I’ll see all the employees, Hannity, Coulter, O’Reilly, leave their building, cross the street, walk past me, and line up for halal chicken and rice. I’m like, “Uh… Racist Randy wants that red sauce.” Your brain can be racist, but your body will just betray you. I love that so much. All morning, they’re like, “Mexicans, all lives matter, Arabs… 12:01! Shwarma time!” I love that so much. And I wish I could tell 18-year-old me that, but I can’t. I don’t have a time machine. I can’t tell him that. You know what the shitty part is? When you first fall in love, you get that first taste of the Heisenberg blue. It’s never the same after that. People here with girlfriends are like, “Babe, it’s different with you.” You’re lying and that’s okay. But we had those first secrets. My secret was, “I want to be a comedian.” She said, “I want to be a journalist.” We promised we would follow our dreams, no matter what people would think. So I started doing comedy. I wasn’t very good. Two years, three years, four years, six years, seven years… I finally get a chance to headline a comedy club. It’s a big deal for me. Gotham Comedy Club, New York City. I did what a lot of early comedians do. I got on Facebook, I got super cocky. I was like, “Yo, Facebook! Your boy, headlining Gotham Comedy Club. Let me know if you want some tix.” All caps. Like, relax! I sent it. I was like, “I’m a headliner. Let’s go to the airport. LA, Chicago, Nashville, New York… I’m flying Southwest. I was like, “I made it! Oh, hello. La Quinta Inn! Don’t mind if I do. Free Wi-Fi? Why not? Let’s see what the internet is saying about me. I open up my laptop, fire up Facebook, and I see this. “Hey, um, long time no see. You’re doing comedy now. So cool. Listen, me and my girlfriends live in Manhattan and we were wondering if we could get some tix?” Question mark. Okay. [laughter] [sighs with pleasure as he drinks] [applause] I don’t know if you know what this means. But, you know, if life gives you lemons, sometimes you’ve got to make “revenge lemonade.” Sprinkle in a little irony. Reply, son. Reply. “Bethany, comma, enter. Totally remember you. Long time no see, indeed.” [talks gibberish in high-pitched voice] “Seven years. A lot of time. Listen, I would love to give you some tix, but we’re going to be taking a lot of photos tonight… [audience gasps, applauds] …and I don’t think you’d be a good fit.” Send that shit! Send that shit right now! Send that shit right now! I jump on stage! I run to the club, jump on stage… I don’t even know what I said. I was like, “Fuck that. Goodnight.” Boom. I go to the airport. We go from New York, Chicago, to Nashville to LA. I pick up my Toyota Camry L-motherfucking-E. Don’t you ever forget about it. Cloth interior for life. Whipping through the streets of LA. “Hello, headliner. What do you need?” “Hasan bhai, Dad had a heart attack. Hey… idiot, pick up your phone. I need you. Dad had a heart attack.” My dad had just suffered a quintuple bypass. So they’re rushing him to the hospital. Aisha goes, “Come home, now.” I was like, “I got a set at the Comedy Store. I’m going to do that, then I’ll come home.” And I did a set at the Comedy Store. And then I drove home. And I don’t know why… I get to Kaiser and run upstairs. My mom and my sisters are crying. My sister looks at me, she’s like, “They don’t know what you did. I do.” Doctor sees me. “Are you his son?” “Yeah.” “You’re over 18? Sign this.” I sign this waiver that clears the hospital of liability if something happens to my dad. The surgery is that risky. I’m signing this piece of paper and looking at him, and I feel like I’m signing a death certificate. His body temperature is so low that he looks blue. They wheel him into surgery and I hand the clipboard to the doctor. I look at my dad, like, “If this is the last time I see my dad… I’m saying goodbye to a person I barely even know.” And I’m waiting, hoping that he comes out of surgery okay. And somehow he makes it through. We’re in the hospital. I have to tell him stories. So I’m telling him stories about my life, he’s telling me stories about his. So I tell him the prom story. He goes, “Hasan, I’m mad at you.” “I know, I kissed a girl. I’ll never do it again.” [laughter] He goes, “No… why don’t you forgive Bethany?” [speaking Hindi] He wanted to be the bigger person again. I was like, “Why?” “You know when I emigrated to this country in 1982, I thought if I let you go to a school dance, you would join a gang, get a girl pregnant and become a drug dealer, in one night. I wanted to protect you. Her family saw stuff about us. They wanted to protect their daughter. Everybody’s afraid of everybody. But Hasan…” [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi, voice becomes more insistent] “Hasan, you have to be brave. Your courage to do what’s right has to be greater than your fear of getting hurt. So, Hasan, be brave. Hasan, be brave.” It’s a very beautiful poem. I think about it all the time. And look, there are some days where I can forgive that person. The past is the past. Tools, Clear History. It’s done. Other days, “No, fuck that. This is House of Cards. Crush our enemies.” I didn’t know how to feel, until this. Pizza Hut new big pizza sliders are here. Get nine in a box for just ten bucks. Ten bucks. Match up to three ways. Three? Cheese! Big, delicious sliders, only at your Pizza Hut. And that’s how you make it great. Alright, so… so this airs during March Madness. Everyone sees it. The night this airs, friends send me text messages. “Hey, man, by any chance do you know how many pizza sliders you get in a box for just ten bucks?” [laughter] “Nine!” “Is it true you can mix and match up to three ways?” [laughter] “Yes, three. Yes.” A buddy of mine sends me this screengrab. “Just saw my high school prom date in a Pizza Hut ad.” #throwback. #it’s a small world. #brilliant. To which I reply, “We didn’t end up going, though. How’ve you been?” #MrP. #Calc. To which she replies, “I know! Made for a better tweet though. Let me know when you’re in New York.” To which I reply, “abso-f*cking-lutely.” Now, against the advice of my therapist I go on Facebook, because she has a public profile. So I start clicking around. “Bethany Reed.” Okay. “Lives in Manhattan.” Duh, we knew that. “In a relationship with…” I click it. [audience gasps, applause] “Rajesh… Rengatramanajanana…” She is dating an Indian dude, and this dude is Indian as fuck. Look at his name! Look at how big his name is. It’s so big, it barely fits in his Facebook profile. So big. Ten syllables. Ra-jesh Ren-gat-ra-ma-na-ja-na-nam. Are you kidding me? How many letters are in the alphabet? How many letters in the alphabet? 26 letters in the alphabet, right? How many letters are in Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? 25. That’s one less letter than the entire alphabet. Come on! How easy is my name? Hasan Minhaj. So easy. She was like, “Fuck that. Give me the Rajesh Rengatramana… motherfucking-jananam.” Like, “No!” God is laughing at me. God is laughing at me. Now, against the advice of my therapist… I make contact. She’s like, “Do not make contact.” I’m like, “Tell me what I want to hear.” “Need closure? Go for it.” “See you next week.” Therapy is bullshit. “Bethany, I’ve got a gig in New York next week. I would love to meet up.” She’s like, “Yeah, let’s meet up.” And I go from LA to New York, direct flight. Pizza Hut money. I’m walking through New York. I’m livid. I’m pissed. How is this possible? How is this possible? Rajesh Rengatramana… How does she make love? “Oh, my God, Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, give it to me right now. Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, I want you so bad. Put your Rajesh in my Rengatramanajananam.” I was like, “Stop it. Stop imagining her having sex with Rajesh Rengatramanajananam. You’ve got leverage. Walk in there, be cool. Walk in there, be confident. Be like this, dude. Walk in there and just own it. Be like this, be like this.” [laughter] [whistling, whooping] “What’s up?” Do that with this, and then lick the lips and go, “What’s up?” I’m practicing it. I get to the door, open the door, then I hear, “Hey, Hasan!” She’s sitting outside. She saw me doing this shit in the street. [applause] I was like, “Oh, hey, what’s up? Is someone sitting there? Cool.” I just walk up and I’m like, “Alright, yeah. I’ll just sit here, cool.” I’m sitting there. When you see someone from your past, all of a sudden, you’re that age again. So all that Kanye juice just goes out of my body. I can’t say anything. It’s like the adults in Charlie Br0wn. I can’t say anything. 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. “Dude, are you going to be a darapok again? Say something.” She starts talking about rent control and I cut her off. “Bethany, do you know why I’m here? I’m here to talk about prom.” [laughter] And her face went white. You guys knew she was white, right? It went whiter than white. And I was like, “You knew my situation. You knew it. I was ride or die for you. At that age, that’s a lot. You weren’t the same for me, fine. Whatever. But what makes matters worse is, you had me socially crucified in front of everybody. You knew how hard it was for me, and then I was so insecure at that age that I couldn’t date another white person, because I was afraid of not being able to be with them, because of the color of my skin. Do you know what that’s like? And now, I’m trying to pursue my dreams, I’m trying, but now you’re writing about me, you act like we’re cool, when we’re not. Why do you do that?” And she was like, “I am so sorry. But you know we were 18, right? Like, I really wanted to go with you. But my mom, she’s very controlling. Do you know what it’s like to have a parent that controls your life?” “No, I don’t. What is that like? Do tell. I would love to hear that story.” [cheering] “Tell me more.” What? She’s like, “I wish I could have gone with you. But I can’t change the past. I never thought you would want to talk to me ever again. But the reason why I write about you is because I see you kept your promise. So even if you never want to talk to me ever again, I’ll always be rooting for you.” You know how you carry hatred in your heart about people in your past? “They did this to me. Fuck them.” Damn them. In that moment, I let it go. I crushed it like a Voldemort Horcrux. [makes crushing sounds] [cheering, applause] But I had to ask her the question that we’re all thinking. [laughter] “What about Mr Rengatramanajananam?” She’s like, “I hit it off with this guy. We decide to move in together. I needed money for a deposit so I called my mom.” “What did your mom say?” “My mom was like, ‘No. You know the way our family is. So make up your mind.'” And I was like, “What did you say?” And she’s like, “I told my mom, ‘Not again. This isn’t high school. Raj is a good person and so am I. So I’m going to be with him because it’s right. I hope you make up your mind.'” And I’m looking at her, and I’m so embarrassed. I’m like, “Dude, what are you doing? Why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho? [laughter] You’re not Liam Neeson. What is going on?” I realized, “You don’t give a shit about this person.” I care about what she represents. Growing up, we just want that co-sign. To tell them you’re good enough. “Sit here. You’re good enough.” But that’s not the American dream. It’s not asking for a co-sign. It’s what every generation did before you. You claim that shit on your own terms. Pizza Hut pizza sliders. Nine in a box for just ten bucks. That’s you. You’re not Hasan Minhaj. You’re “Hussan Minhajj”. This is new br0wn America. The dream is for you to take, so take that shit. Stop blaming other people. [cheering, whooping] Now I’m standing outside the restaurant and I can’t even concentrate, because I know she’s more evolved than me. She’s like, “Next time, me, you and Raj should hang out.” I’m like, “Yeah, let’s not do that.” And I’m walking to the subway station. But I take one last look at the restaurant. Just to see her one last time. To know that generational change is possible with one choice. I turn around and I look, but she’s gone. And I never saw her again. I did keep my promise, though. You know, I kept doing comedy. I never knew… I never knew if I would do anything more than Pizza Hut. You know how you hit that point when your parents give up on you and move on? “Let’s move on to Aisha.” One day I get an email from my manager. “Want to audition for The Daily Show?” That’s not a question. That’s a statement. “Hey, audition for The Daily Show.” I submit a tape. I get a call. “Jon Stewart saw your tape. Come to New York. They want you to audition. But, but… you have to write another original piece. Can you write another?” “No, I can’t. I’m not Larry David. I can’t do Seinfeld and Curb. I’m a mere mortal.” I’m walking back and forth in my shitty one-bed apartment, like, “I’m going to die here.” And it’s amazing how racism will always happen to you when you need it the most. Like changing the oil on your car. “Oh, 15,000 miles. Racism.” So I’m watching the show Real Time With Bill Maher. Have you guys seen Real Time With Bill Maher? You know Bill’s demeanor. “Hey, do you believe in God? You’re a fucking idiot.” And everyone’s like, “Oh, the atheist prophet speaks!” So this clip went viral, him and Ben Affleck. Bill Maher is like, “These Muslims, 85 percent of them hate our freedom. We’ve got to round them up, we’ve got to contain them.” And Ben Affleck’s like, “Are you crazy? Round them up, contain them? Dude, we did that to the Japanese. You can’t do that. Am I crazy?” And I was like, “No, you’re not crazy. You’re my white prince.” [laughter, applause] Don’t you realize what happened in that moment? We got our first A-list celebrity to back the Muslim community. We got Batman, baby! “He may not be the hero we want, but he is the hero the Muslim world needs.” “Batman versus Bill Maher.” I write the piece, go to New York. You get it, right? The producer answers the door: “Audition with me. When you’re ready, Jon will come down. Run it with me.” We’re walking down the hallway, and I see all these photos of the old correspondents that came before me. Steve Carell, John Oliver, Sam Bee, Jason Jones, Ed Helms, Steven Colbert… and me? Keema roti, me? You know we don’t end up this far. You know the way it is. Middle management till we die. We’re not on that stage, ever. I walk in and I see that Daily Show globe. I can’t tell you how blue it is. And now I’m sweating through my suit. The producer is like, “We’ll run it a few times.” And I sit down and I get to the desk. Sitting presidents have sat on that desk. I sit down and we’re running it, and I’m nervous. He goes, “Hey, man, just slow down. Alright?” We run it a second time. Now I’m stuttering. And he goes, “Hey, man, relax. You’re funny.” Which is a tell-tale sign of being, like, “Hey, man. You’re not funny. You shouldn’t relax.” And I can feel it. I’m choking. We’ve all been there. Everyone’s, “How did it go?” You’re like, “Positive thoughts.” No, it’s not happening. You’re not. You are choking. MCAT, DAT, you’re going to the Caribbean, it’s a wrap. You choked, right? Too real? It’s real. We’ve all been there. And I can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt. I’m really nervous. I’m pooping my pants. I’m like, “No!” Then I hear… [sings Daily Show theme] I know that voice. It’s Jewish Yoda. It’s Jon. He’s walking through the tunnel where the guests come, so he’s just back-lit. So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me, and I hear his accomplishments at each step. “Boom! I am Jon Stewart. Boom! Twenty-two-time Emmy-award-winning Jon Stewart. Boom! I redefined political satire and comedy. What have you done?” I’m like, “Have you heard of Pizza Hut?” [laughter] [applause, whooping] Then he steps into the light, and he’s shorter than I thought. And he has all this scruff on his face. And I look at him, and I’m like… “Dad?” He had Jewish Najmi vibes. He shakes my hand. I could feel it, like he’d slapped me in a previous life. I was like, “I know this hand!” He starts riffing, I start riffing. The prompter guy: “What are you doing?” “I got this.” I had it all memorized. One shot, Eight Mile. And I stuck my landing like a Russian gymnast. “Thank you for the opportunity.” I tucked that turtle head back in my butt. “We’re going home.” I walk out the door, but then I hear a voice. “Hey, man, where are you going?” And it’s Jon. I was like, “Oh, I live in LA. I’ve got to go back to LA.” “Well, I’ll see you Monday, right?” I was like, “Why?” “Well, you work here. So I’ll see you Monday, right?” [huge cheer] I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “Oscar speech, go. Say what you got to say.” What I wanted to say was, “Jon, this is one of the only things that I’ve gotten in my entire career that my dad actually knows.” [laughter] “So thank you.” But what I said was, “Jon! My dad… knows you!” He’s like, “Yeah, I’m sure he does.” I pinch myself. “You’re Hasan Minhaj. You’re going to be on The Daily Show.” I run outside. I call my girl. She’s crying. I call my mom, she’s crying. I call my dad, he says “Good job.” “What? ‘Good job’? Say it again. I can’t hear you, Dad. Say it.” A car almost hits me. I’m, like, “No! I can’t die. I’ve got to drop the greatest status update.” I run upstairs, open my laptop, fire up Facebook, and then I see this. [audience gasps, moans] [quiet laughter] You guys see this, right? [laughter] Don’t you know what this means? Don’t you get it? I’m the cure for racism. [laughter, applause] I cured it. Alright, maybe I didn’t cure it, but everyone has a purpose. Some people were put here to find a cure for cancer, or find a vaccine for Ebola. My life is definitive proof that once you go br0wn, you’ve got to lock that shit down. [huge cheer, applause] Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Be well. God bless. I love you guys. I love you guys. Good night. I love you. [whistling, whooping]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hannah-gadsby-douglas-transcript/

The following is the transcript of Hannah Gadbsy: Douglas. In her second Netflix special, named after her dog, Gadsby explores how autism affects her thinking — and takes a little more time to pick on the patriarchy ♪ Douglas Douglass, apple tree ♪ ♪ Have a wife, now let her be ♪ ♪ Give me, give me what you got ♪ ♪ I’m gonna make you what you’re not ♪ ♪ Douglas Douglass, prickly pear ♪ ♪ Have a wife, but I don’t care ♪ ♪ Give me, give me all your soul… ♪ Thank you. Thank you so much. Hello. Look at this! Look at this. That… That is a dog made entirely out of crayons. I don’t need that. I’m part of the problem now. That’s my gold toilet. I had no plans to make it in America. This was not on my agenda. And then what happened though is I wrote a show called Nanette, right, that… Well, then… That’s clear, isn’t it? That’s why you’re here. You’re not here because of my back catalog of prior, are you? Which does beg the question, if you’re here because of Nanette… why? Like, don’t get me wrong, it was a good show. Solid bit of work. I’m quite fond. But it was a particular show of a very particular flavor. And if that is what has brought… What the fuck are you expecting from this show? Because I’m sorry, if it’s more trauma, I… I am fresh out. Had I known just how wildly popular trauma was going to be in the context of comedy, I might have budgeted my shit a bit better. Honestly. I could have built quite the career out of it. At least a trilogy. But I went and put all my trauma eggs into one basket like a fucking idiot, and now here we are. You want more? Just out of curiosity, by round of applause, who has not seen Nanette? Even less of an idea why the fuck you’re here. I mean, welcome. Good on you, taking a punt. And– And don’t worry, it’s fine. This show does not depend on you having seen Nanette. I’m not that kind of confident, but… We’ll see what happens. But other than trauma, you know, I have no way of telling what people are expecting from this show. Right? But what I’ve decided is possible is for me to just tell you. And that’s what’s gonna happen. That’s how I’m going to meet your expectations. By adjusting them for you now. So they are exactly what you’re gonna get. Then I’ll meet them and you’ll go, “She’s very good.” And, yes, I am, but I cheat. So that’s what’s gonna happen before the show even begins, right? I’m going to give you a very detailed, blow-by-blow description of exactly how the show is going to unfold. Now this setting of expectations does go on a bit. I’ve had to cut the actual show in order to fit it in, but… I believe it’s worth it, you know? Like, to be able to meet your expectations, it’s my job. And let’s face it, this is my difficult second album, that is also my tenth and some people’s first. You know, it’s a lot of pressure. So let’s set your expectations. When the show begins… When the show actually begins… This is not it. Don’t panic. When it begins, I’m gonna kick things off with a bit of observational comedy. Right? A bit of, you know, “Have you ever noticed… What’s up with that?” That shit. That’s what I’m starting with. And look, it’s not very good, I’m gonna be perfectly honest with you, because I’m not very observant. Typically speaking… vague as fuck, right? Now, fair warning, my observations will be about Americans, which is, broadly speaking, you lot. Right? So… And– And, sorry, but making fun of Americans is still technically punching up, although that window is closing. Um… It is. And so… I’m just making hay, you know. ‘Cause I can’t speak Russian, so I’ve really gotta… get it in while I can. I don’t know. I should just also warn you, during the bit where I make fun of Americans… your feelings will smart, because I will be making fun of you there. I just need you to expect that, right? I will be taking the absolute piss, as we say back home, not that you care. And so you’ll be sitting there, just going, “Oh.” And fair enough. I don’t want to deny your feelings. Have them, please. Let them run through you, definitely. But what I would suggest, strongly, is that you do not invest in those feelings. Don’t let them get a grip on you, because what this show is, if anything, is a romantic comedy. So it’s just, to that end, important that we get off to a shaky start. So that’s all… Just don’t invest. Feel, but don’t invest. Just go with me. Trust me. Don’t trust me. Don’t trust that person. Um… Anyway… That bit, right? So that’s how it’s gonna start. Bit of observational comedy. Then what I’m going to do is I am going to tell you a story about a curious incident that took place in the dog park in the daytime. Oh. Now, it’s a fun story. It’s a fun story. And throughout that story, I will touch on, with consent, most of the major themes of the show, so watch out for those. And it will also include a fair dose of what I call a gentle and very good-natured needling of the patriarchy. So that is in there. So it’s very important… It’s very important that you expect that, because it is there, and if that’s not your thing… leave. I’ve given you plenty of warning. Just go. Off you pop, man-flakes. Out you go. Go on with you. Now, after that story, I’m gonna tell another story. What? Look at me go. I know. Classic. The second story is about a misdiagnosis I received, and I’m gonna blame that misdiagnosis squarely on misogyny, because it’s true. Now, after… After that… That’s just the needle. If that hurts, get out while you can still walk. Now… at the end of that story, I’m going to do a bit of what I call “hate baiting.” It’s where I bait my haters. It’s a very complex idea. Now the way that I’ll do that is I will just say a thing. And I will make no fucking effort to make it funny. I’ll just say it and leave it there. I don’t care. Now, I would strongly recommend that you do not… You do not take the bait. Do not take the bait. It’s not for you. It’s bad for you. You’ll be all Frothy McFroth Face. Like, just leave it there. Then what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna move into the joke section, which is jokes, right? That’s why I call it the joke section. It’s just joke after joke. It’s really… It’s classic. Now, if in that bit, you find yourself offended by anything I say in the joke section, please just remember they are just jokes. Even if you find yourself surrounded by people who are laughing at something you find objectionable… just remember the golden rule of comedy, which is, if you’re in a minority, you do not matter. You don’t. Don’t blame me. I didn’t write the rules of comedy. Men did. Blame them. I do. It’s cathartic. Now… There we are. The joke section works to really ramp the show up, in tone, in pace, and also in my needling of the patriarchy. By that stage, the needle will have become a jousting stick. Uh… Yep. And then, with said jousting stick, I’m going to set about tearing my haters a new asshole. Yep. Quick as you like. Brand-spanking new. And the way that I’ll do that is by doing exactly what my haters accuse me of doing, which is lecturing you. So in the middle of the show, I’m giving a big, old lecture. The twist? It’s funny. It’s fucking funny. Right? Which is exactly what my haters accuse me of not being. So that’s gonna send them on a bit of a loop. May kill them. Fingers crossed. Now, at this stage, you’re probably wondering, and rightly so, why would I focus on my haters? Why would I do that? That is self-indulgent. Yes. And, yes, I have read all of Taylor Swift’s work. I am aware of the great sage of our age. I do understand that haters are just gonna hate, hate, hate, hate. Hate. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. And she’s not wrong. They are repetitive. So why wouldn’t I… Why wouldn’t I follow her lead and just shake it off? Why wouldn’t I do that? Just shake, shake, shake… It’s one reason. That is one reason. The other reason is because I’m not convinced our friend Tay Tay… has been a victim of an actual hate crime. And I have. So, naturally, the way that we deal with online hate is going to differ. Personally, I like to snack on it. Yep. Nom, nom, nom. This body doesn’t just happen. I am a real hate patootie. Now, after I’ve dealt with my haters there, sent them on their little fugue spiral, what I’ll do then is change gears dramatically in the show, and I will do that by telling you that I have autism. And I’m going to tell you in such a way that it’s gonna sound like a big reveal. But it just… it really shouldn’t come as a surprise. I’ve just told you. And… And also because everything in the show up until that point works as a big sequence of red flags that I have autism. Honestly, I have Hansel and Greteled the fuck out of it. It is all there. But because I’ve spoiled my own surprise there, in order to make it a big reveal again, I have to rely on staging and lighting tricks to bring it in so you go, “Oh, it’s a big reveal.” So the lights are gonna come in, I’m gonna sit on this stool here, and it’s gonna be, “Right, now…” And– And it’s not going to work, because you’re not fucking idiots. And then, after that bit, I’m gonna do a tiny bit of gear about the anti-vax movement. Listen to yourselves. Listen to yourselves. This is… You’re not unusual. Right, I’ve toured this show around the world and I can report that no audience anywhere has known how to collectively respond to just the mention… of the anti-vax movement. Pretty much, you just say “anti-vax” and people are like, “Ha, ha, no!” So that’s gonna be fun. Now, my anti-vax material is different in tone to the rest of the show. At the end of it, you’ll sit there and go, “Ooh. Well, she just needed to get that off her chest.” And it’s true, I do. And I will. But here’s the thing. I’ve never met a joke… that I haven’t wanted to call back. I’ve never met a joke… G’day. I’ve never meta… Meta joke. That’s a pun. Catch up. Right? Now, this is a very pun-heavy show. You need to expect a lot of puns. And you also need to expect one Louis C.K. joke. Listen to that. He is like the anti-vax of comedy, isn’t he? Now, I only have one joke. That wasn’t it, by the way. The show hasn’t started. We’re still in the prelude. The one joke… It’s very good. I only need one. It’s a good… It’s a good joke. It was a day off, pens down, have a biscuit, the day I wrote that joke. Fucking good joke. I am so solid, my Louis C.K. joke, it’s a mic drop moment. And I will drop the mic. Doesn’t matter how you respond, I will drop… the mic. Except I won’t drop the mic, because you don’t know this yet, but you do, I have autism and I find loud noises quite distressing. So what I’ll do instead is I’ll just place the fucker directly on the ground there. Just pop it down now. Now, that will take away from the theatrics of the moment, absolutely, but let’s not be ableist about this. The interesting thing about the Louis C.K. joke is that it happens very late in the show, so late you will have forgotten that I told you to expect a Louis C.K. joke, which means I’ve just added an extra layer of mirth to your laugh cake. Yep, because when you laugh at it… and you will. It’s very good. As you’re laughing at it, you will remember that I told you to expect a Louis C.K. joke and realize you’d forgotten. Which means you’ll laugh like this. “Ha, ha– Oh!” Which means I’ve just added a third layer. Because when you realize, you’ll go, “That’s exactly what she said she’d do!” – So you’ll laugh, “Ha, ha– Oh! Hey!” – laughter] It’s once, twice, three times a lady can do that, you see. Hey? Oh. In the right hands, of course. In the right hands. And you only need hands. Who knew? Most women. Now… After the anti-vax material, what I’m going to do is I’m going to try and let you in on my experience of autism. And I’ll do that by telling a story about, uh, my relationship to a penguin that may or may not be inside a box. Uh… I can’t promise you it’ll make more sense then either. And then I’ll finish the show out with another lecture. What? Another lecture? Who knew? I did. Now you do. That is what is going on here. Now, I will admit, the– the last part of the show there, I will be much more likable than I am in the beginning. Borderline adorable. Now, you’re probably wondering why wouldn’t I start with my best foot forward, adorable guns a-blazing? Why wouldn’t I do that? Why would I start off being a bit unlikable? Because this is a show about autism. And people with autism rarely make a good first impression. And most people tend to write us off because of that. So this is a show that rewards people who persevere. Who go beyond their discomfort just to see what’s on the other side of the spectrum. For those people, this show does work like a romantic comedy. Theoretically, ’cause theories are sexy. Now, that’s it. That’s the show. That’s everything you can expect. Expectations have been set. So the show starts now. Have you ever noticed… how Americans… are not stupid? What’s up with that? You’re not stupid. I was so disappointed to discover that. Because I had been led to believe, by you… that you are as dumb as bricks. And then I meet you all, and then you’re not. I mean, you’ve got your quota, as have we all, but you’re not… Do you know what you are? You’re culturally confident. Good on you, I say. Good on you. And you know who else had that skill set? The ancient Romans. And things worked out well for them… for a bit. Don’t invest. It’s all right. Hold true. You’re all right. You’re all right, America. Hang in there. Invest a little. Now, I think it’s your confidence that makes you stupid. Bear with me. Don’t invest. Honestly, I do, because confidence… Confidence makes you stupid, and I’m very confident in that opinion. Because you’re so confident in your American-inity that you hang onto things just ’cause it’s American and it must be right, right? You hang onto things just ’cause it’s American, even if the thing you cling to is proof of literal stupidity. And I’ll give you an example. I only need one. Now, we fossil fuel… We fossil fuel our cars with the same stuff you do, in Australia, right? We fossil fuel it with petroleum. Now, “petroleum” is very heavy of the syllable. We don’t have time. We’re busy people. We don’t have time for syllables. “LOL.” You know, this is where we’re at. So we’ve wisely shortened “petroleum” here and there, right? In Australia, we’ve shortened “petroleum” to “petrol.” Now, I’m not bragging. That’s not… Like, we’ve just stopped talking. That is all that has happened there. We’re just like, “Petrol.” You have dug a lot deeper into the hat of imagination for your shortening of “petroleum,” because you’ve shortened it to “gas.” Now, the interesting thing about petroleum is that it is a liquid. And the interesting thing about gas, by its very fucking definition… is that it is not a liquid! But you guys would rather gaslight science, or flood it. I don’t know how the thinking happens in your head! But you will not change, ’cause you’re like, “It’s right, ’cause we thought of it and we’re Americans.” But it’s not right. It is dumb in the face! When I first started touring here, I was told I should Americanize my language. To which I responded, “Fuck off. Americanise is not spelled with a ‘Z, ‘ fuckers.” Honestly, Americans are like the straight, white man of cultures. You say, “To-may-to,” that’s all you care about. Like, fuck off. I will not bow to your confidence. I will not say, “Sweater.” I will be saying, “Jumper,” and you can cope. I’m not suggesting that “jumper” makes sense. “Jumper” makes fuck all sense. But what it does do is it sounds fun. “I’m gonna put on a jumper.” “Oh, mate, you’re gonna have a good day. Off you pop.” But you guys, you put on a sweater. “Yeah, this is the top I wear to soak up the wet of my body. Mmm.” Biscuit. Biscuit. Deal with it. I call someone a dick biscuit later in the show, and when I say… ‘Cause I’m mature. And when… I say, “Biscuit,” I mean what you call a cookie. And not what you call a biscuit, which is what I call a rogue scone. That is a scone what forgot its manners. It is out of control. But I will not say, “Dick cookie.” I will not. I refuse, ’cause it doesn’t work. When you call someone a dick biscuit, it means we don’t want to like them. And “dick biscuit” does that. It sounds like they’re in Slytherin. Dick Biscuit. Dick cookie? Yeah, it’s all right. It’s like Ravenclaw. No one really knows what’s up with them, but they seem all right. They seem fine. And I’ve decided that Dr. Cock Biscotti… Hufflepuff. That is definitely Hufflepuff. Dr. Cock Biscotti. And I’ve put no thought into Gryffindor whatsoever, ’cause fuck ’em. They are like the straight, white man of Hogwarts. “What about Hermione?” She’s probably a terf. Fuck her. Punching up. I mean, I have made some concessions for you. I’m not a monster. Like, I’ll say, “Waldo.” Where’s Waldo? I’ve always known him as Wally, but, look, it’s not that hard. “Waldo.” Did it. So the trick is there. If you find Waldo, you’ve found Wally. It’s the same guy. And I’ve happily taken on a lot of your wordage. There’s a lot about your language I like, America. Like “arugula.” Yes, please. We call that stuff “rocket.” Fuck off, rocket. I want arugula. It sounds like a clown car horn. Yes, please. Arugula! And aluminum. Mm-hmm. Yes. We have the same word, but we say, “Alu-min-ium.” Why would you say, “Aluminium,” when you can flirt it? “Al-u-minum.” “Stop it, America.” And, “Y’all?” Oh, yes, please! “Thanks all y’all for y’all. I’m taking y’all. I love y’all.” Because “y’all” is the best, most inclusive second-person, plural pronoun in the English-speaking world. Thank you, the South. What an ally. I’m in two minds about “fanny.” Just the word. ‘Cause, here, “fanny” is your butt. Your rear end, your backside, your bum. In Australia, “fanny” refers specifically to the lady front bum, to use inclusive language. I don’t know. And when I first heard that everyone in America has a fanny, I thought, “Cool. Cool, cool, cool. I’m going to the Isle of Lesbos. Giddy up.” That’s just a joke. It doesn’t belong there. Must have snuck out of the joke section. Apologies there. No, I’ve known about the fanny discrepancy for a very long time. I will never forget the day I discovered “fanny” meant a different thing here than it does back home. I was at school, I was reading a book. It was an American book. Untranslated. I’ve always had a bit of a gift for the languages. Now, it was just a random children’s book about four kids on an adventure and part of their adventure… Apparently these four children slid down a hill. On their fannies. And I lost an afternoon. I lost an afternoon trying to make that work in my mind’s eye, because that is not how you go down a hill! If you go down a hill like that, that is not a decision. You’ve tripped. And what are the chances of four children synchronized-tripping… and it not rating a mention from the narrator? Fuck all. So why would you choose to go down like that? It’s not aerodynamic, and I don’t care how you identify, that is vulnerable. And which way do you go? Head first? Feet first? Well, neither are aerodynamic. And what the fuck do you do with your knees? I should probably tell you what “Douglas” means. ‘Cause it means a very different thing here than it does back home. In Australia, a Douglas is slang for a kangaroo’s uterus. It’s fucking not. Like, why would we have slang for that? For fuck’s sake. Australians are not even that Australian. Come on. It was just my dog’s name. I’ve named this show after my dog. His name’s Douglas. Um… It’s weird that that’s the thing you clap, but cool. “Well done, you named your dog and then your show after the same… You’re not so weird anymore.” Um… Douglas is my first dog. Douglas is my first dog. As an adult. I had lots of dogs when I was growing up. Our family went through them a bit. We lived on a busy road. – Um… – Oh… All right. That’s where you’re at. Look, it just… really paints a picture of a time and a place. Look… Douglas is fine. I don’t live on a busy road anymore. I take good care of the boy. I take him to the dog park. And anyone who goes to a dog park on the regular knows that no good conversation is ever had… at a dog park. They are just festivals of small talk, and that is not my natural habitat. You don’t know why yet, but you do. Now, I want to tell you a story about a terrible conversation I had at the dog park once. This bloke just walks up to me. I mean, he had a dog. He wasn’t just being creepy. He had context. I want to tell you this. It’s not pertinent to the story, but I want you to know. His dog had shoes on. And his dog did not want to have shoes on. He was doing that, like… And it was a whippet situation, and they’re shaky at the best of times. We don’t know why. Are they cold? Are they nervous? But it was like just… It was a lot. Now, it’s not important to the story, but it was a lot in my periphery, so I just want you to know. Added stress. Now, this was my, uh, friend’s icebreaker. We’d never met. This was his icebreaker. He said, “Did you know… it takes less muscles to smile than frown?” The men in the audience are sitting there going, “Oh, you’ve experienced an isolated incident.” And the women are sitting there going, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” And non-binary folk are like, “Is that a hard day for you? Is it?” Now, as far as icebreakers go, it’s a fucking shit one. Basically what he’s saying is, “Your face is wrong. Can you change it?” Like, honestly. And even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt, right, and truly believed that energy consumption was his chief concern… That he was just looking at me, going, “If only she knew. She could live her best life. She could get so much more out of her day if only she knew.” Like, even if I believed that, the thing is, I was neither smiling nor frowning. My face was neutral, which takes fuck all muscles. Now, I am aware that my neutral face is not particularly chipper. Like, I do look like someone stabbed a potato with a spoon upside down. Honestly, like… No muscles. Neutral. Now, I have resting bitch face. That’s what it’s called. That’s what it’s colloquially known as. Resting bitch face. Only women have resting bitch face. Men simply have very important thoughts you’d best not interrupt them having. Honestly, no one has ever gone up to a man while he’s a stranger and gone, “Cheer up, love. It may never happen.” No! As far as icebreakers go, that was a bit shit. Do you know how I responded? I started frowning. I started using muscles I’d had no intention of using just moments earlier. But he thought it went very well, so he stepped the conversation up another notch, and he said, “What is your dog’s name?” Classic. And I responded by saying, “Doug.” ‘Cause he’s only Douglas when he’s in trouble, I discovered. Now, when I said, “Doug,” this man’s response was a little much. He’s basically… I said, “Doug,” and he’s gone… “Good one.” And I said… “It’s not.” I don’t know why. I think I was still in Frown Land. I’ve just gone, “It’s not a good name.” And he said, “It is.” So I said, “It’s not.” So let’s just… This is what’s happening. I’m having an argument with a stranger in the dog park about whether or not my dog’s name is good, and I’m not on the side you’d assume I’d be on. And his dog had shoes on. We had more important things to talk about. Instead, we’re going, “It’s a bad name.” “It’s a good name.” Eventually, he’s like, “Look. It’s a good name, because Doug… Dogs dig. Doug.” Now it was a singularly humiliating moment as a professional comedian to have my own joke, that I hadn’t even thought of, explained back to me. As if I had thought of it, but just forgot. Like, I didn’t notice. I’d had Doug for over a year. Hadn’t fucking clocked that his name was a pun. Humiliated. So I did what any reasonable, mature person would do. I lied. I said, “No. I’ve– His name’s Douglas. And I named him after the Pouch of Douglas, I will have you know.” And he said, “What is the Pouch of Douglas?” And it’s a fair question, because the Pouch of Douglas is an obscure situation. So I explained. I said, “The Pouch of Douglas is a bit of potential space that exists, and it’s situated between the anal cavity… and the uterus in the female, biological sex reproductive environment.” At the dog park! And this guy did not blink. He’s just frozen. And he started frowning. And… he was suddenly working very hard. And I took that look of fear mingled with vague repulsion and mistook it for genuine curiosity. And I thought, “This man wants to know more.” So I explained, “It’s neither front, nor back. It’s right in the middle. It’s in fanny neutral territory. We’ll call it fanny Switzerland. And it doesn’t have its own entrance,” I said, as if that made it all better. “Like, you can’t… You can’t just get to it. Although, if you were to stick your thumb up the bum and your finger up the relevant vagine… and clap… that bit in there… that’s your Pouch of Douglas. In there.” At the dog park! ‘Cause it’s not an actual thing. It’s just… It’s a crawl space for emergencies. The best… The best way I can explain it is this. You’ve got a suitcase and you want to open the suitcase. You take the zip all the way around the suitcase, but when you go to open the suitcase, it does not open, because you have not used the zip zip. You’ve used the funny zip, which does go all the way around the suitcase, but it doesn’t fucking open. It just mocks you. So when you go to open the suitcase, it just does that… And now, you have not opened the suitcase. But what you’ve done is you’ve created a bit of extra space in there, and you can’t see it, and you can’t access it. But you know it’s there. That is the Pouch of Douglas. Thank you. I’m delighted. I’m delighted you enjoyed my explanation of the Pouch of Douglas, because my friend at the dog park did not. I just still can’t get over that there’s something inside of me, in a very particular part of my body… called the Pouch of Douglas. It’s fucking weird, borderline not okay. But it is also a reminder that we do live in a world where everything has been named by men. Everything. Everything. And that was named after a man. Dr. James Douglas, who was an 18th century Scottish man midwife. What an uncomfortable collection of demographics that is. Like, do not headline your LinkedIn with that. That is a mistake. It was named after Dr. James Douglas, because apparently he found it first. What a day. What a day he must have been having. Just rummaging around a lady cadaver. Rummage, rummage. Hobbies were different then. He must have just found her funny zip, and then saw it sitting there, all void, no name. At which point, Dr. James Douglas must have thought, “Well, this is it. This is my shot at legacy.” Honestly, it just never ceases to amaze me how little men have to do in order to be remembered. He found a “not thing” and called dibs. We would live in a very different world if women had participated in the naming of things. Like, do you fellows honestly believe you’d have balls if women had been at that meeting? No. ‘Cause here’s the thing. Women don’t think of your testicles as a sport or a game. You like to play with them. That is your bag and your bag alone. Cool story. But how would you like it if we’d have given you “Karen’s handful?” How the fuck would you like that? Just having an olde woman with a grip around your tenderloins all fucking day. How would you like that? I’m so sorry. I’m clearly not an expert. What is this? I am sorry. I think, in my mind’s eye, Karen is a marionette. Just… “What do balls…?” I had to see a doctor… Uh, this is a while ago. Um… ‘Cause I had some issues with my Douglas environment, very broadly speaking. Um… And my regular doctor was away, so I was seeing her replacement. Uh, now, the replacement doctor was not a doctor I would ever have chosen for myself. We weren’t a good match. We didn’t get along from the get-go. He was a fucking arrogant asshole. I mean, he was a qualified doctor as well. Yes, absolutely. But that is a Venn diagram with a lot of crossover. We’re going to call him Dr. Dick Biscuit. Okay, there it is. Now, Dr. Dick Biscuit decided, after running no tests, that the solution to my Douglas malaise… was that I should go on the pill. The pill. There’s more proof men have named all the things. “The pill.” That’s a bit fucking vague, isn’t it? “Most things you prescribe, Doctor, could be called a pill.” He’s like, “Yes, but this is the pill. The pill.” It sounds like there’s just a giant pill in the town square we all scurry out and nibble on, “Mmm, it’s Monday.” “What does it do?” “Witchcraft. Shut up. Call it a pill.” I said to Dr. Dick Biscuit, “Look, I don’t want to take the pill. I’ve been on the pill before and the pill tends to give me suicidal ideation.” You thought I was all out of trauma. Now, Dr. Dick Biscuit didn’t enjoy me bringing that to the table. The table being a consultation about my body. He’s like, “No. No, thank you very much.” And do you know what he did? He shushed me. He said, “You will do well to listen to me.” It was our first fight. And I did what I always do in a bit of conflict. I made a joke. This was my joke. I said, “Instead of going on the pill, how about I have a hysterectomy?” Yep, you get it. I don’t know why he didn’t get it. As far as jokes go, that’s a classic. I can’t… think of a context where that wouldn’t be a joke. Like, on what planet would I have control over my own body? Not this one. So clearly, it’s a joke. And also, it should have been clear, because I used jokey words. I didn’t use formal terminology. I did not say, “Hysterectomy.” What I said was, “Why don’t we just whip out the whole kit and caboodle?” Then, if that wasn’t clear enough I was joking, I followed it up with, “Besides, I’ve heard decluttering is in fashion, Doctor. And this does not spark joy.” Thank you. I’m delighted. I’m delighted you enjoyed that joke. Because Dr. Dick Biscuit did not. He did not get my joke. And so, I did not get his humanity. And things just escalated from there, and he just began shouting at me. Right? And when he just fully laid into me, at which point I began to cry, and then Dr. Dick Biscuit took my distress as proof… his diagnosis was correct. Clearly, I was hormonal. Classic cop-out, Dick Biscuit. Fuck me. Men calling women hormonal. Pretty much it’s the number one hobby of mankind of all time. Like, a man is allowed to call a woman hormonal just whenever a woman says or does something a man failed to predict. That’s it. It’s like, “I wasn’t expecting that, so, clearly, you’re just a clusterfuck of internalized chaos you make up to be a bitch.” Like, men call women hormonal as if men don’t have hormones. That’s the bit that shits me. Because newsflash, fellas, you’ve got hormones. And sometimes you get testy. Yeah, you do. Sometimes Karen gives it a bit of a squeeze… and you get upset. And fair enough, you’re only human. Happens to the best of us. Look, I’ve been known to want to nibble a bit of dark chocolate on a full moon. I don’t know. Witchcraft. But I’ve never had to punch a door. So we all have our things, fellas. Like, honestly, what do you think “boys will be boys” means… if men are so good at neutralizing their hormones? Like, it’s not the convenient alibi for sexual assault that so many people are so desperate for it to mean. Know what “boys will be boys” means? It means we are not preparing our boys for the real world. It means we know. We know that boys are at the mercy of their hormones. We’re just culturally incapable of holding them accountable for their actions, so we hold women accountable. Stop it! It’s bait, you fucking idiots. It’s bait. Leave it! It’s not for you. It’s not a rally. Fuck. Every time I do that, I feel like I’ve got to walk around the bait. Look, I don’t need my hormones to be unreasonable. I would just love men to know that. Like, I don’t need… I can just be unreasonable ’cause I don’t wanna. I have plenty of what I call “puffer fish moments.” Right? You know puffer fish? Those fish that get startled and go, “Oh, this is a solution.” It’s not. That’s what happens. I get filled with this impotent fury and I can’t do anything about whatever it is I’m angry about, because I’m just like… “If you eat me, I’ll fuck you up, but otherwise I’m just over here.” And it’s only little things that’ll set the puffer fish off. Little things. Not the big picture. Little things, like the paleo diet. Don’t even look sideways at me with that shit. Because my response is out of control. It’s disproportionate. Someone will just innocently say, “I’m on the paleo,” and I’ll go, “Are you? First of all, I don’t care. Two, your breath stinks. Eat some fucking fiber, for fuck’s sake. Three, we don’t know what they ate. We have no clue what paleolithic humans actually ate. But we are dead certain they didn’t eat cauliflower popcorn, you prick!” And, you see, it doesn’t matter where on my cycle I am. Same rage. Where’s Waldo? is another one. Fuck him. Because why is Waldo? Why? Why? Why have we wasted so many hours out of the lives of generations of children looking for that prick? Because you look and look, and looking is an investment. You’re caring, and then you start to worry. “I hope he’s okay.” And then you find him and nothing is ever the matter. Ever! He’s only ever on holiday, having quite a nice time of it. Fuck you, Waldo! He should have to find himself, like the rest of us have to. Honestly. If you want to see a children’s book illustration of white male privilege, it is that guy. Because here is a man who makes no effort. No effort to help himself, yet fully expects everybody on Earth to give a shit about his whereabouts at all times. Just change your ugly fucking jumper, mate. To be honest, that one does fluctuate depending on the moon and the tides. But ultimately, what a waste of my emotional resources. I also waste them on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Big issue. It’s Donatello. I’ll tell you why. Now, if you didn’t know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a street gang, and, weirdly, that is not my issue. It’s a comic book, television, film franchise and the target demographic for it is pretty much young boys. Now, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have names. They are Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael, and Donatello. They are named after Renaissance artists. Because nothing says frescoes like nunchucks. Am I right? I’m not right. Now, the interesting thing about the Renaissance, what we popularly understand as the Renaissance is the Italian High Renaissance, and that was a very short art movement. Twenty years, over. It went from 1500 to 1520. Done. Now, Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael, all at the height of their artistic prowess during those 20 years. Donatello, oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. He was dead. Dead by 1465. He does not belong in their street gang! He’s dead! Do you know who belongs in that street gang? Titian. By rights, it should be Titian. Do you know why Titian… Do you know why Titian is not in that street gang? Because the target demographic of that television show could not handle a name that begins with “tit” because of their fucking hormones. We are not preparing our boys for the real world. Or history, which they wrote. Weird. And they’re tortoises. They are not turtles! They are tortoises. Tortoises are the clomp, clomps. Turtles are the flip, flips. Now, I understand… I understand that they’re mutants. I get it. But they are using nunchucks. This means they need to have some terrestrial dexterity experience, and this is not enough! We are not preparing our boys for the real world. What if they went to the Galapagos? Fucked. My most recent puffer fish… was during a conversation with this bloke who was trying to tell me that golf is not a sport… because it doesn’t put stress on your cardiovascular system. Isn’t that not interesting? Doesn’t matter how you spin it. Dull. And it gets worse, because he kept talking. He said, “If you’re participating in something and it doesn’t put stress on your cardiovascular system, you’re not participating in a sport. You’re merely playing a game.” And that conversation made me so fucking angry, it felt like a sport. Now, I hope nobody’s in here, just going, “Finally, oh. Someone here to defend golf’s honor.” That is not what’s happening here. In fact, I hope golf is sad. I hope golf is all sooky la la, ’cause I fucking hate golf with all the reasonable rage I can muster. What a monumental waste of land, time, and water. For fuck’s sake. Honestly. Men who have families and play golf are cunts. You don’t have time, fellas. You’ve got a family. Not a spare six hours to just waltz around a park with your mates while your womenfolk do unpaid labor! Grow up! There’s more proof men have named all the things. What’s the worst thing you can call someone? Cunt. It’s a reference to female genitalia, and I won’t have it. When I use the C-word, I mean it. I mean it to be the worst thing you can call someone, but I don’t associate it with my own biology or anybody’s biology. Do you know what I see in my mind’s eye when I use the C-word? A literal golfer. Just a rich, white chump in chinos and one glove. What a cunt. Honestly, it cannot be a coincidence that they’re called cunt-ry clubs. Come on. I’ll tell you what, my… my last show, Nanette, gave a lot of people the puffer fish. Like, pfff, you know you’ve made it. And I say people, but it was only men. Hashtag “not all men.” Okay? Of course, it’s not all men. It’s never been all men. Generally speaking, it’s really only the men who use that hashtag. They’re the ones. You know, men, pronounced “me.” You know, they’re the ones who go out of their way to let me know that Nanette was not comedy. “Because it didn’t make me laugh every step of the way.” First of all, good. If that show made you laugh all the way through, what the fuck is wrong with you? Secondly, yes, I turned the laugh tap off myself. It was a decision. I stand by it. It’s not like I got halfway through and thought, “Fuck, I’m out of jokes. I’ll tell a sad story. I hope anyone won’t notice.” I know better than anyone that what I did with Nanette was not technically comedy. But I’m also not a fucking idiot. I wanted that show to have an audience, and a broad audience, and if that meant I had to trick people… by calling it comedy… that’s technically a joke. But I have to say… I have to say, a bad joke made so many men so viscerally angry I’m surprised nobody accused me of writing a sport, honestly. It… Look, first of all, it doesn’t bother me. Right? This doesn’t bother me. Look, look. I’ve still got the loud stick. I don’t feel threatened. In fact, I-I like the hate. Death threats aside, it’s fun. Nom, nom, nom. Right? But the thing is, whenever I have a puffer fish… I always work under the assumption – that the problem is mostly me, right? – If I’m like… It just doesn’t seem like a good place to start a dialog. I have never written a letter to Donatello or Waldo. Like, no point. One’s dead and one’s never home. But still, I just… Wouldn’t occur to me. But to this day, I still get men sliding into my DMs to let me know, in all caps, that they’ve never heard of me. It’s a riddle. How do they know? Look, I can’t experience the humiliation I know they’re so desperate for me to feel because I can’t help but feel worried for them. Because that’s a tough life. If new things are so painful… Ow. They… That’s a learning difficulty. Imagine school for someone like that. Long division. “I’ve never fucking heard of it!” I got accused of doing all sorts of nefarious things in lieu of comedy. I really did. Like a monologue. What a monster, if true. A glorified TED Talk. Uh-oh. A one-woman show. A lecture. A fucking lecture. Can you believe that one? The cheek of that one. A lecture. Nanette was not a fucking lecture. It wasn’t a monologue either. It wasn’t like I was sitting on a stool like a stunned mullet in a spotlight. It wasn’t a fucking monologue. And a glorified TED Talk? Why do they need glorifying? They are fine. And a one-woman show? No shit, Sherlock! And it wasn’t a fucking lecture. You want a lecture? I’ll give you a fucking lecture. This is a lecture! Now, there is some debate… as to when the High Renaissance actually began. Some put it at 1490, while others argue it began in 1500. Either way, Donatello was fucking dead. Back in the 16th century, Karen had very, very cold hands. Give them a rub, Kaz. Come on. Now, this is Raphael’s School of Athens. This is where Raphael has so kindly painted all the men who named all of the things. Now… strictly speaking, these are not Raphael’s contemporaries, although he has used their likeness. But basically, these are the ancient Greeks, and, by the time Raphael painted this, all the Greeks were dead. Not all the Greeks. I am so sorry. There are still a lot of Greeks alive and thriving in the world today. Hello and welcome. No, just the ancient Greeks. They are all dead. They lived on a busy road. It was built by the ancient Romans. Now, who have we got here? We’ve got Pythagoras. He’s busy naming all the triangles. That’s acute one. You’ve got Socrates here. He took a bit of a tumble. Classic Socrates. Good with the thoughts, shit with the walk. Get up, mate. Arugula. Now, what were the women doing while all the men were doing the very important naming of all the things? From my research, what I gather, women were generally standing around in groups of three, naked, just waiting for men to name all of the things. You can see it happening with this central figure. She’s saying, “What have you got in your hand there, Karen?” “Oh, just a couple of bits and bobs.” Women were just holding things. Just waiting, hoping it wasn’t poisonous. Waiting for men to name the things. This was painted before beds were named. You can see women desperately trying to make the beds, just flinging the linen into the trees willy-nilly. Just going, “Oh, I don’t know. Mm, let’s just build a fort. We’ll make it a fancy fort. Yay, we finished the fort!” Dancing naked in groups of three in the forest is the number one hobby of women of all time. And don’t we just love it. Isn’t that the safest thing you’ve ever heard of? Oh, we love it. Now, this might just look like a footloose, fancy-free frolic in the forest on a bank holiday, no drama. But let me draw your attention to this group here. That is too tight for fun times alone. It suggests tension. What has happened? Has someone mentioned the paleo? No. What has happened is this central figure here has realized that this bit of cloth, this waft of gauze, this potential fort, if you will… has made its way so far up her clacker… So far up her clacker, it has both fannies covered. And she is upset. Now, it’s worth pointing out, at this juncture, that this is not a photograph. This is not an accidental photograph… taken of an unfortunate moment. Awkward. No, what this is, is a painting. Which makes this… a decision! It’s a decision that a man made and spent time on. “Ah…” I have autism. It’s a tiny monologue. I was very late diagnosed. Only four years ago. Diagnosed four years ago. But I-I self-diagnosed first, which is a great way to approach any specialist. Ooh, they love it. Oh. They say, “Tell me more about what you think.” Um… But the only reason I even thought to self-diagnose was because people kept telling me. It was usually after a show. People would just come up to me and say, “I think you have autism.” To be fair to every single person that’s ever done that to me in my life, I think they were all on the spectrum. Because that’s how we roll. Pretty much, it’s like, “I have a piece of information you seem to be missing. You may or may not be ready to hear this information, but I’ll tell you, because knowledge is power, ignorance is a cage. and feelings can be dealt with. I bid you good day.” My issue was I didn’t understand enough about autism to understand how I could have autism. Because what we popularly understand autism to be is just something that only affects young boys that like maths a lot. And, to this day, neither of those things apply to me. So people would tell me, “I think you have autism.” I’m like, “I don’t understand how you got that.” I mean, sure I’ve been vaccinated, but other than that… Oh, hey! Oh. Here it is. Oh. Strap yourselves in. Of all the toxic myths about autism, that’s got to be right up the top. Not least because we know… that vaccinations do not cause autism. Do you know what causes autism? No. You fucking don’t. And if… If you honestly think you do, your confidence is making you stupid. Now, I also know that there’s nothing I can say that can change an anti-vaxxer’s mind. I know that, because that’s not how closed minds work. They don’t work. They’re closed for business. Right? So… like, to open a closed mind, it has to be an inside job. So I know there’s nothing I can do that’ll change an anti-vaxxer’s mind. I’m gonna have a go anyway. Gonna have a go. Because my theory is, by accusing them of having a closed mind, they’ll be reactive and go, “No, I don’t,” and I’ll get in. And there will be anti-vaxxers in this room. Absolutely. Do not identify yourselves. Do not. That is not what’s happening here. You are outnumbered. And I know you like to willfully manipulate statistics, but this is even beyond you. And also… And there will be anti-vaxxers in this room, make no mistake, because my core demographic is rich, white, entitled women, and that is a Venn diagram with a lot of crossover. But if you are an anti-vaxxer, I can guarantee you, you will not like this next bit. But if you’ve been laughing the whole way through the show and you suddenly stop now, everyone will know. So if that’s not what you want to happen… just do a bit of this. You will not be enjoying it. Just do a bit of that. All right, anti-vaxxers. Let’s pretend you’re right. You’re not. Pretending is not science, but let’s… Let’s im– Let’s pretend you’re right, that vaccinations cause autism. They don’t. Now what? Because, as somebody who exists on the autism spectrum, let me say this to you. I’m happy to take one for the team. And I’m not suggesting that autism is easy. It isn’t. It is difficult. And I will not and cannot deny that. But as difficult as this life is, it’s nice to have a life, and it’s particularly nice to have that life in a world without… polio! Polio is bad! And that is a fact, not a feeling. And I would much prefer to have autism than be a sociopath like you. Let me explain. ‘Cause if you honestly think that your child, your only, single child, is more important than all the other children collectively, you’re not playing for the team. And if you don’t want to play for the team, why the fuck are you even having children? Get a pet rock and delete your fucking blog! Got that off my chest. Now, I do know that once this is streaming, that little bit… is opening me up to a whole world of a hate campaign from the anti-vax movement. Because, make no mistake, they are coordinated. They are not random. They are a cult. And I’ve only been… I’ve only been telling this material one room at a time, and the hate is already trickling in, and it is targeted, and it is venomous. But it doesn’t bother me. Don’t worry about it. Like, I snack on it. “Mmm, nom, nom, nom.” It’s really… It’s fine. You have worked out why I do that, yeah? Why I snack on hate? You’ve worked it out? It’s how you build up immunity. It’s called micro-dosing. Yeah. Your hate is my vaccine. What are you gonna do? I’ve already got autism. I have what’s called high-functioning autism, which is a terrible name for what I have, because it gives the impression that I function highly. I do not. To give you an idea of what it feels like to be on the spectrum, basically, it feels like being the only sober person in a room full of drunks. Or the other way around. Basically, everyone is operating on a wavelength you can’t quite key into. To give you a visual… This woman… is on the spectrum. That is… the story of my fucking life. Honestly. “Oh, it was a funeral same place, same time last week. Why didn’t I get the memo? Why are they kissing? I don’t like the sound.” I never get the memo. I never do. I’ve always missed the memo. I remember going from being the teacher’s pet to bring the teacher’s nemesis in one lesson. And until I was diagnosed, I never understood what had happened. The lesson was on prepositions, so strap yourselves in for this story. Now, I do like my teacher. She was a good teacher. I liked the way she explained things, but we lost each other this way. This is how she began the lesson. She said, “Imagine a box.” And I could do that. I was gifted to a point. Visual thinker. Good box, solid. Three-dimensional, nothing fancy, but there. And then she said, “A preposition is a word that explains your relationship to the box.” And that’s when my thinking just fell apart, because I thought, “I’m related to a box?” Then she said, “Now, you can be behind the box. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?” No, they didn’t, but I had a question. I said, “Am I made of box?” Now, let me bring you into my thinking there. I thought if I was related to a box, we must share DNA, and it made more sense in my head that I would be made of box than the box would be made of me. But my teacher was not privy to that gifted train of thought circling my head there. So she was a bit thrown, and she said, “No, Hannah, you’re not made of box. I’m surprised you had to ask that. So, okay, you can be in front of the box then. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?” No, they didn’t. But I had another question. I said, “Does the box have a name?” I thought if I had a name, I could work out how we were related. Maybe we were cousins. And she said, “No, it’s a box. Boxes don’t have names, Hannah. What boxes do you know have names?” And I started listing breakfast cereals. She’s like, “All right, okay. You can be beside the box. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?” No, they didn’t. But I had another question. I don’t remember my thinking behind this question, but I remember asking it, because when I did, everybody laughed and I had no idea why. But I remembered really liking the feeling. Uh-oh. This was the question. I said, “Am I allowed to eat the box?” Of course, yes, everybody is laughing, except me and the teacher. Looking back, I don’t know why the fuck she wasn’t laughing. As far as jokes go, that’s a classic. A baby dyke just asked if she was allowed to eat the box. She didn’t think it was funny. She was like, “Okay. All right. Okay. Calm down. Okay, we might be on the wrong track. How about we imagine something else in relation to the box then? Okay? How about a penguin? Now, the penguin can be inside the box. Does anybody know what the preposition is there?” No, they didn’t, but I had some fucking questions about the penguin. I said, “What is the penguin made of?” And that was the question that broke my teacher. You know you’ve broken a teacher when a teacher who never swears swears bad. So I went, “What’s the penguin made of?” And she’s like, “Penguin? I mean… It’s made of fucking penguin!” And as far as answers go, that’s… mwah.” Like, that is watertight. That is a stunning answer. You can’t logic out of that answer. That is a good answer. At that point, I thought, “I might be on the wrong track.” But I had other questions pressing, but I thought, “Now doesn’t seem the time. She seems upset.” So what I thought is, “I might hang on to my question.” That’s what I thought, and that was my mistake. I should have asked my question then while we were in the thick of it… or not at all. Because I did the worst possible thing. I waited until she felt safe. Then I asked my question. But I waited so long, it wasn’t even the same lesson. It was much later in the day, in silent reading. I waited so long, it wasn’t even a question anymore. It was more of a theory, and that made it worse. I said, “What if… the penguin ate the box? Wouldn’t then you say the penguin’s a little bit made of box?” She’s like, “Get out.” And that was the first, but not the last time, I was sent out for reasons I had no idea why. Because the thing is, I was genuinely engaged in that lesson. Like, I really– I really wanted to know what a preposition was. I wasn’t sitting there going, “Prepositions? I’ve never fucking heard of them!” But as she explained to me later, she said, “You were being deliberately obtuse.” I’m like, “But I’m not a triangle.” I did not learn what a preposition was that day. Look, I understand what they are now. I’m all over it. And I also understand, if the penguin ate the box… the penguin would be around the box. Honestly, the day I was formally diagnosed with autism was a very good day. Because it felt like I’d been handed the keys to the city of me. Because I was able to make sense of so many things that had only ever been confusing to me. Like why I could be so intelligent but struggle to leave any proof. Why I can’t fill in forms. Why… Wh– Why I felt such a profound sense of isolation my entire life, despite trying so hard to be part of the team. And that is a big thing about being on the spectrum. It is lonely. I find it very difficult to connect to others, because my brain takes me to places where nobody else lives. And you can’t just start talking to people about the Pouch of Douglas at the dog park. People do not like it. And I tried more than once. But I’m not here to collect your pity. I’m here to disrupt your confidence. Because, clearly, I’ve worked out a way to share my thinking. Haven’t I? Like, you can call this whatever the fuck you need to call this. A monologue. A lecture. You say “Tomato,” I say, “Ketchup, busy road.” Let me dumb it down for you. What this show is is a metaphorical preposition that explains the relationship between what you think you think you see me think… and what I’m genuinely able to think. Because I like the way that I think. If the world is right and I’m right in it, I can find my funny zip and my thinking expands. There is beauty in the way that I think. I don’t think outside the box. But, as it turns out, if I ask nicely, yes, I am allowed to eat the box. Oh, look. Sponsored by McDonald’s. Can you see him? Can you see him? What a cunt. Now, this is Saint Bernard. That’s Saint Bernard, that’s the Virgin Mary, that’s the baby JC, and that is a tiny lion. Now, can you see the main action that’s going on in this picture? Can you see what’s happening? The Virgin Mary… is lactating on his fucking face. G’day. Now, this guy’s going, “You know, look, I’m– I’m usually the weirdest thing in a picture. I’m a tiny lion.” But he’s not though, because the Virgin Mary is lactating on his fucking face. Now, this picture tells the story of how Bernard became Saint Bernard. One day, he was regular old Bernard. And then he had a vision. And in that vision, the Virgin Mary appeared to him… and lactated on his fucking face. Now, I’m not judging the bloke. We’ve all had the dreams. We’ve all had them, where we wake up and go, “I did not know that about myself.” It’s fine. What’s weird though is he did not wake up and go, “I might file that under ‘Secret.'” No, that’s not what he did. He woke up and said, “I’d better tell the fellas.” And then the fellas have a meeting and go, “This is amazing. We’d better call this one a saint.” He’s a saint now, ’cause… What? Sorry? What? He’s a saint ’cause what? He had a wet dream? And now he’s a fucking saint? He witnessed the miracle of lactation and now he’s a saint? He made it about himself, and now he’s a fuck… This is a low bar. This is proof men have named all the things and rigged the fucking game. This is not enough. Let’s talk about a meritocracy. Now, this is Saint Cecilia. She had to learn the fucking cello! What did Bernie do? “Ahh!” It is not enough. Isn’t it weird that the cello has been invented, but not the music stand? Why are they still relying on small, naked babies? This is my favorite painting. This is The Duchess of Alba by the great Spanish artist Goya. I love it because she would have paid a pretty penny for this portrait, and she paid that pretty penny just so she could tell people for centuries to come… that she’s got shoes on. “I’ve got shoes on! I’ve got shoes on! Y’all, I got shoes on!” That is what I imagine the whippet was saying in the dog park. “I got shoes on!” Women getting stuck to rocks is the number two hobby of ladies of all time. All time. This is under… This one’s made of rock. They are just getting stuck. Look, what is happening here? Like just… Like, what? That is a salty, salty body of water. Like, she’s not swimming. She’s just skating across the surface on her fanny. What do you do with your knees? Cat’s had a stroke. This guy went, “Thank God you’re in the nude. I’m painting a landscape.” That’s a big baby. That is a chunker. She would have had to pull the ripcord on the Pouch of Douglas to fit that. This is the Venus of Willendorf. She predates ancient Greek beauty ideals. Do you know when this was carved? Paleolithic times. I’m on the paleo, motherfuckers. I am on the paleo. This man is in Slytherin. This man is in Hufflepuff. Look, he’s a famoso doctor. “I’m Dr. Cock Biscotti. I wear two hats.” This is Karen, everybody. Here she is. There’s Kaz. There she is, picking her basketful of handfuls. Good on you, Kaz. Still on the vine. Keeps them fresher for longer. Why this decision? That is a decision! That baby could be on the box. He could be beside the box. He could be a fucking penguin! Why? That is a decision! It’s also the first known portrait of Louis C.K. ♪ Douglas Douglass, apple tree ♪ ♪ Have a wife, now let her be ♪ ♪ Give me, give me what you got ♪ ♪ I’m gonna make you what you’re not ♪ ♪ Douglas Douglass, prickly pear ♪ ♪ Have a wife, but I don’t care ♪ ♪ Give me, give me all your soul ♪ ♪ I’m gonna dip you in my bowl ♪ ♪ Long way down ♪ ♪ It’s a long way down ♪ ♪ It’s a long way down ♪ ♪ And he knows ♪ ♪ Douglas Douglass, sticky pine ♪ ♪ Have a wife, and that’s just fine ♪ ♪ Give me, give me what I need ♪ ♪ You know I gots to plant your seed ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILLY CONNOLLY: HIGH HORSE TOUR LIVE (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/billy-connolly-high-horse-tour-live-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Billy Connolly! You’re only doing that because I’m not well. “I love you, Billy!” I’m not a well man. We’ll have words about that later. It’s nice to be here, it’s nice to be back in London, it’s great to be at the Apollo. The last time I performed was in Canada, in November. I like it. I especially like Montreal. Because you can speak French, and I don’t. I just employ a little cunning, you know. If they say, “Bonjour”, I go, “Bonjour” and I walk really fast before they say anything else. “Goodbye” is rather handy as well. Négligé! Cul-de-sac! Recipé! Always amazed me when I toured in France, hitchhiking with my cousin John. You would have loved my cousin John. When we were younger, he was lovely. He’s dead now. You wouldn’t like him now but you would have liked him. He was one of those guys people love to call a ‘loony’, you know—he was a bit of a nutter, but… I’m always suspicious when people do that. “Oh, you’ll love him, he’s a loony.” I go, “Oh, fuck.” But he was a great guy, very bright, very funny. I’ll give you an example. It could be quite frightening. Do you remember?—most of you will be too young. There was a campaign in gas stations. “Put a tiger in your tank.” —Yes! Well … just after that there were other campaigns. “Make your car look like a racing car,” there was numbers and things you stuck on. But one that never quite took off was bullet holes. You peeled them off a card and stuck them on your car, you look as if you’ve just driven by Al Capone, you know. He had them on his glasses. He used to quite frighten people, you know. “This is my cousin John.” — “Oh, Jesus Christ!” But he was a lovely guy. He taught me so much … useless stuff. He taught me how to slice a banana inside the skin. That’s to have an endless fun with that. We were living in a youth hostel in Dunkirk, in France. And when you’ve food in the youth hostel you keep it in these cubicles in the kitchen. And they’re open to everybody, you can just steal stuff. I don’t think that’s the general idea of them. He would steal a banana. And he would get a sewing needle. And you would hold the banana as vertically as you can hold a banana. He would come down and inch and push the needle in. And do that, horizontally. And he’d pull out, and he’d come down half an inch, he’d do it again. Down another half an inch, do it again, ’til you get to the bottom. Then you put it back where you got it. And you wait for the owner to show up. Which he eventually does. And as soon as he lifts the banana and goes to peel it, you turn away. He does that: “For fuck’s sake!” “Did you see?” You say, “What is it?” “Banana was sliced inside the skin!” —”Oh, fuck off!’ He spends the rest of his life trying to prove it to you. It’s a wonderful … Another thing he used to do which I found great— he would steal an egg, and he would get the same needle, or one very like it, and he would put a hole in the top of the egg, and a hole in the bum. Then he would blow the egg into a frying pan. Then he would get a slice of toilet paper. You know, that hard stuff that hurts your arse. And he would write on it: “Sorry, I was starving.” He’d roll it up real tight, and shove it inside the egg. But maybe my favorite: For some reason, he had a dislike of people who went to bed with their socks on. And you know, in these hostels you sleep in dormitories. Well, we would lie there, waiting, watching people going to bed. Eventually he would see someone: “There you go, Billy, 9 o’clock, blue socks”. “Right, OK”. We’d wait until he was sleeping. We’d creep up and roll the sheets back from his feet. To expose the socks. We’d take on sock off, and put it on on top of the other one. See the guy in the morning, looking for his sock: “Where the fuck?…” “Have you seen a blue sock?” Eventually, he puts on his hiking boots on one bare foot one. I always wondered how he got on when he got home and was undressing. “Jesus Christ, how did that go on there?” “I must have been sleeping like that.” He was great, he was a funny man. He had a French phrasebook that he got from his father. His father had fought in France during the war. So he had the phrasebook. You never saw women like it, the bewildered expressions when he whispered in their ear, “We have a reason to believe there are Germans hiding in your cellar.” “Have you noticed any fluctuation in the price of tomatoes? But to get back to Canada… I was in Toronto. I’ve been there a lot of times since the 70s. I’m quite big there. But the thing that haunts me when I’m in Toronto… The first girl who ever kissed me was Gracie McClintock. She was five years old, so was I. Standing against an airraid shelter in Glasgow. And a year later her family emigrated. I don’t think it was anything to do with me kissing her or anything with me. They emigrated to Canada, to Toronto, I remembered it distinctly and I thought about it over the years. Especially as I was getting big in Toronto. I was thinking I wonder if she realizes I am Billy Connolly. We could meet in the street or something. And it would be nice, I would ask her how she was getting on/ is she married/ does she have/ what does she do, and blahdy-blahdy-blah. But as the years went on, it became more of a fantasy. Almost a kind of fetish. Till these days, it’s ridiculous, I can see her running towards me in slow motion. “Billy-y-y!” “Finish what you started!” I was in Toronto a few years ago, I was making a movie called The Boondocks Saints. “And the nominees are…” And I got five days off in the middle of it. Which isn’t really unusual. And I’m very much a creature of habit. I do the same thing about most days. And in every town I play in the world I have a walk that I do. The same walk. I have one in London, but I’m not telling you what it is because you’ll follow me. You want a fucking selfie. Actually, I don’t mind doing selfies but please, if you ever meet me and you want a selfie, have your sfuff ready. Don’t make me stand there as you go through your fucking bag looking for your camera. ‘Cause it looks as if I’ve asked yo to do it, you know. Well, in Toronto, I had five days off, as I told you, and I did the walk five days in a row. And it’s just a huge old… —music shops, book shops, clothes shops, cigar stores. And it ends up at a coffee shop on a street called Dundas. And I walked in the first day in, there was a guy in the doorway, a sort of down-and-out, homeless guy, with a cup. And he said, “Any change?” And I had loads, I said, “I’ve got loads here”. “Thanks, buddy.”—”No problem, allright then.” Had a coffee, and got a homeless magazine, which has two great crosswords in it. So went back to my hotel to do the crosswords. My life is a ball of fire. Second day—exactly the same. “Thanks, buddy.” Coffee, magazine, back home. Third day: “Thanks, buddy.” —”No problem.” Coffee, magazine, back home. On the fourth day I didn’t wait for him to ask. I just put money in his cup. And he says, “You don’t have to give me money every time you see me.” I said, “I’m quite aware of that.” “You little cunt.” I thought he had it coming. Fuck ‘m! It’s not a word they use usually, especially over on that side of the Atlantic. It frightens the bejeesus out of them. Although they take “motherfucker’ like nothing happened. But being a Glaswegian, I’m used to it, you know. It doesn’t really mean anything. You know, you use it in all sorts of circumstances. When you try to remember a film star’s name. People are giving you all sorts of names, you say, “No, no, not him, some other cunt, it’s …” I actually heard in Glasgow, “Who’s that cunt with the Pope?” And they don’t seem to realize you don’t need to be a complete cunt, you can break it up …??? “What you think of the Prime Minister?” “Seems a bit of a cunt to me.” And he does. But just … close your eyes and think of Donald Trump. Now, there is a cunt. During these debates I was just waiting for another one of those politicians to say, “Mister Trump, do you think I think you’ve got hair?” “Is that what you think of me?” That fucking thing. I don’t know why guys do that, and… and the wigs, those fucking wigs you can see for a mile and a half. My crew and I used to have a thing called “Spot the Irish.” You know, you’d be in a place like an airport, and you go, “Spot the Irish”. Goes, “Got it, got it,” you spot some guy with a fucking thing sticking up at the back. And the best one I ever saw was in Bangkok, I’ll never forget him. He lives in my mind. We go off to stretch the legs, you know, on the way to Australia. We are coming back, and there was one of those cues to get back on the plane, like Disneyland, you know, one of those… And there was an overpowering smell of perfume and aftershave, these guys seem to just pour it on. And I said, “Spot the Irish,” and I go, “Oh, fuck!” I never saw one like it. He had one of those Roy Orbison jobs on, you know. One of those ones that turns up at the back like a German helmet. It was black and shiny. Was like somebody had melted an album on his head. I’ll tell you another great one. New Zealand. There is a guy called Harvey, he is a promoter in New Zealand. He’s not my promoter, but he’s a pal of my promoter. And we got kind of friendly, and when I’m coming to New Zealand, he comes to meet me with my promoter, about 6 in the morning. It’s very nice of him, you know, just to say hello. He has the worst wig you’ve ever seen. It looks like an abandoned bird’s nest, you know. It’s supposed to gray, and it’s gone kind of yellow and strange. You know those ones? And I used to say to my promoter, “Why does he wear that fucking thing?” He said, “Oh, I don’t know, I’ve given up over the years.” And I go there every four years, so about 12 years passed. And I went back, and he didn’t have it on. It’s just he’s bald, he looked great bald. And I said to my promoter, “What happened to the Irish?” He said, “Oh, fuck,” he said, “Rod Stewart came in.” And this guy was promoting Rod Stewart. Now, Rod Stewart’s crew are famous nutters, you know? He had taken them for dinner. In the middle of the dinner one of them flambéed his wig. Now, at this point I’m going to explain my health issues to you. I’ll save you symptom spotting. I’ve got Parkinson’s disease, and I wish he’d fucking kept it to himself, but there you go. The Parkinson guy, I got my daughter to Google it. He’s James Parkinson, who studied it at the beginning of the century. And it used to be called “shaking palsy.” Fuck, I’m glad he showed up. It affects the left side of me mostly—the weird walk, and this shakes a bit, this left hand. But as I’m doing the show tonight you’ll notice, or maybe you won’t, but you probably will. This hand climbs up like this. When I’m talking about something else it thinks I’m not noticing and climbs up there. The strangest thing is if I look at it it dashes away guiltily. Lately it’s been climbing up and I’ve just ignored it and it’s come up and joined this one. I looked like Saint Theresa or something. So that will happen, just ignore it. I met Ian Holm, the actor, who suffers from it, and he has had it longer than me. And he says, “Do you shake much—your hands?” And I said, “No, but when I’m nervous or when I’m tired, it shakes a bit.” He said, “Oh, yeah, it probably will, yeah.” He said, “I’ll give you a bit of advice.” “If it shakes, just stick it in your pocket.” He forgot to mention jacket pocket. Which was strange, because he had told me a wee story before that, a wee funny story. He was in an art gallery, the Royal Academy on Piccadilly. A big art exhibition, he was looking at a big nude, on his own. “Hey, get the fuck out of there!” Well, I’m glad you find Parkinson’s funny. You’re gonna love the cancer. I’ve got prostate cancer. And it’s over now, you know, they’ve got it all cleared, they whipped it out, I pee like a race horse. And I went back to the doctor after about two months for an appointment, and… He started to ask me very personal questions. He said, “Can you still achieve erection?” I said, “Oh, yes.” I’m thinking, “Don’t ask me to show you, please.” He says, “‘Cause we have various pills and potions, you know, and…” “we have a…” “a little class for penile rehabilitation.” I thought, “I’m not sitting in a circle wanking with strangers.” And everything is in working order, except I have orgasm but I don’t ejaculate,  because… that’s what the prostate does. And it’s not there anymore, so… Nobody in my house sleeps in a wet patch. I’ll tell you one that may have the men in the room crossing their legs. I went back to work, I think I went back a wee bit early. I was doing a film about death, and funerals and stuff, and we were in New Orleans, and I got all… painful in this department. And I went to the hospital, and the guy said, “I think we’ll have to flood your bladder and have a look.” And I said, “Sure.” So he put me on this big table. Naked. And there was a beautiful Jamaican nurse, holding my penis. It was more like that. She was really nice and very, very beautiful, and I’m trying to get in touch with my penis. And I’m saying to it, “Don’t fucking move!” The doctor came with these three silver things over his arm. Catheters. He said, “This is the water”, and he put it in my willy, and shoved it in. He started to flood it. And I got an overwhelming desire to piss up in the air. I thought, “Oh, God, please, don’t pee over the big Jamaican.” And he said, “This is the camera and the light,” and it went in. He said, “Would you like to watch this?” I said, “Sure.” A big screen lit up on the wall. Just like the one you have at home, those big buggers. It was like an aquarium, it was really strange. With seaweed doing this in the bottom. It was mostly pink. And the light came through, and the camera, and he’s pointing out points of interest. He said, “This is your sphincter.” I said, “What’s it doing there?” ‘Cause I’ve thought your sphincter was your bum hole. Apparently, you have more than one sphincter. I kind of like my bum hole. ‘Cause it’s a circular muscle, it’s very interesting the way it works—like a lens in a camera. And it’s function in life is to keep your arse closed. For obvious reasons, you know. ‘Cause otherwise you would drown in a bath, wouldn’t you? That’s why they invented soap on a rope. Well… The tour went on, “Oh, this is this, and this is that, points of interest, and this is this, and…” And he was down among the seaweed, and he came upon a piece of white plastic. And a piece of metal, both the same size. And both of us at the same time said, “What the fuck’s that?” It’s been left in from the operation, and it got loose and gone adrift. He said, “Oh, we’ll have to get that out”, and I said, “I couldn’t agree more.” He sent in this other thing that worked like this. And he was working it. It’s a bit like those things at a side show, it’s a crane and you try to lift things. And every time he got near it me and the big Jamaican went, “O-o-o-o-oh!” “O-o-o-oh! Nearly had it!” And about the fifth attempt he got both of them —”O-o-oh! Ay-e-e-e!” He brought it up. He says, “We’ll have to get them out of there”, and I thought… I was trying to remember the tour but I couldn’t remember seeing any emergency exits. I thought, “Oh, you don’t mean it has to go out the way it got in?…” “I’m afraid so.” He said, “Do me a favour, could you move—” It was the sneakiest thing I ever had done to me. He said, “Could you move the toe next to your big toe?” I went to look, and he went — Don’t get prostate cancer. I know you were planning to but don’t. I’ll talk about Scotland. I don’t actually live there anymore. I live in New York. What? You’re gonna tell me where to live, you nosey fucker? I live in New York, I sold the house in Scotland. It was in Aberdeenshire. Some nights I think I should just bring a map and read out town names. I was in Aberdeenshire, it was 3.5 hours from Glasgow, and one day I had an errand to do in Glasgow. I forget what the errand was, but of no importance. And I knew I was gonna have to drive 3.5 hours to Glasgow. But it was a Saturday, I thought, “Oh, great, I will hear the football in the car on the radio.” I thought, “I know what I’ll do: I’ll drive into Aberdeen, I’ll get a huge cigar. And I’ll smoke during the games, and that’ll be it— I’ll be driving down there, I wouldn’t call the Queen my Granny. Keeping the windows open just enough to let enough smoke out and enough air in, and that’s what I call a holiday. So I drove into Aberdeen to get myself a cigar. Come down Union Street, and I turned into Market Square. Now, I didn’t know it was called Market Square at the time. That will become obvious as the story goes on, and on, and on… Right in front of me it was a toy shop, and in front of that there was a huge armoured car. You know, those cars that deliver money to banks and pick up money from banks, get bars in the windows and all that. Well, the only parking space was right behind it, on a double yellow line. I thought, “Fuck it, if he can do it, so can I.” “I am Billly Connolly, there must be an occasional benefit.” So I pulled up behind him. And I wanted to get out and go to the cigar store. But my car was suddenly completely surrounded by Aberdeen supporters on the way to their match. They’d spotted me and wanted autographs, about 50 or 60 guys. So I put the window down, and I was signing; mostly on money. Fives, tens, twenties. ‘Cause working men seldom carry autograph books. Signing, signing, signing, signing, signing. “There you go.” “Could you put it to Alistair, Montgomery, and Dimpner?” “No.” “You want your name, you stand over at the other corner and do fucking autographs.” “There.” Eventually, they all disappeared, and I went to get my cigar. Now, the cigar store was just a little kiosk. Against the wall of House of Fraser in Market Square. It isn’t there anymore. It’s been shut down thanks to the efforts of those fucking non-smoking zealots. Who should mind their own business. They… oh, they get on my fucking nerves. “Do you know that can kill you?” “Yes, so can boredom, it just takes longer.” They’ve even taughth their children to do it. “Do you know that can kill you?” “Do you know I can kill YOU?” “Into the ground you would go, like a nail.” “You, little fucker.” Do you know who they remind me of? The brown bread / white bread brigade. Pains in the arse. You’re just about to eat a lovely big white bread sandwich. “Do you know they put bleach and poison…” Poison, you fucking twit. “Yeah, and it’s fucking delicious.” I like to say to them, “I hate brown bread, you never know when it’s toasted.” But I like to… And those seeds always get stuck where your fillings used to be. But I like to ask them, “You eat brown bread your whole life.” “I eat white bread my whole life.” “How much longer are you gonna live then me?” A fortnight? Ten days? Don’t say ’20 years’, you know that’s crap. We are talking a fortnight. But it isn’t a fortnight when you’re 18, shagging everything that walks in front of you. No, it’s a fortnight when you’re in an old folks’ home pissing your trousers. Being fed out of a blender. By those women who speak loud to you just because you’re old. “Ah, Mr Connolly, get it down there, that’ll do you good.” And you know all three courses are in that fucking blender. ‘Cause you’ve got a peep in and you’ve seen the broccoli swimming about in the custard. “Get it down, you, there you go.” “Sticks to your ribs, doesn’t it, aye?” “There you…” And you know you’re getting really old because your tongue comes out when the spoon’s only halfway to your face. “There you go…” “There you go Mr Conn…” “I’ll tell you what, Mr Connolly, it’s of a steamy in here, isn’t it—steamy.” “Have you been pissing your trousers again?” “I’ll tell you something else, Mr Connolly…” “You’re looking…” “You’re looking awful sad—” “It’s an awful sad expression in your face.” “Is that because your friends are all dead?” “That was the white bread crowd.” “But you’ve got two weeks to go.” “Stick this spoon in my eye!” Over. I can’t… I got my cigar. And I went back to my car, and I took off. I was going up Union Street, heading for the ??? Stop laughing, you prick. I just got to the Queen Victoria Statue, and I hear the siren: I look in the mirror and there is a police car behind me, and I thought, “Oh, shit”. And then he said, “Will the driver of the red Range Rover pull into the first street on the left?” “The driver of the red Range Rover, pull into the first street on the left.” “Aye, you.” So I drove into this wee street, and I stopped, and thought, “I know what I’ll do: I’ll leap out like a gazelle.” Just to show them how sober I am. And that’s what I did, but I met a policeman standing there. He must have parked and run up to my car. And he reached out and grabbed my cuff. And put his fingers in, and did a weird twisting thing. Was tightening my jacket around my sleeve. It’s a thing policemen do when they don’t have handcuffs with them. Now, if you were a Glasgow audience you’d be going, “I know, Bill, I know, I know.” I said, “What’s it, folks, what’s going on here?” “I’ll have it all explained, Mr Connolly, just come with me.” We went back to the squad car, and they sat me in the back between two cops. And they were fucking about with the radio, and they couldn’t get it to work. “Hello, hello, hello?” “Hello, hello, hello, hello.” “Hello, hello?” “HELLO!” “Hello, hello?” Eventually this woman’s voice came on, “Hello, Inspector MacCorkindale here.” You could tell by her voice she was ugly, it was really strange. “Who am I speaking to?” “Constable McBumforty here.” That wasn’t his name, I just made it up. She says, “Have you got the driver of the Range Rover.” He says, “We have, indeed.” “And it might surprise you to know it’s Billy Connolly.” There was a wee confab on the other end of the line. “… … , Billy Connolly?” “… … comedian.” “You think it’s the same guy?” “I don’t know, you better ask him.” “Is that Billy Connolly the comedian?” So I’m desperate to say, “No, it’s Billy Connolly the donkey shagger.” “Can I help you?” I said, “O-o-oh!”, I said, “I know what it’s about.” “It’s because I parked behind that van.” “Look, I’m really… it was a stupid thing to do and I won’t be doing that again, I’m sorry.” She says, “No, it’s not about… Well you shouldn’t have done that.” “It’s not about that.” “Were you parked in Market Square?” I said, “I have no idea.” I said, “I was parked next to the cigar shop, at the House of Fraser.” She says, “That’s Market Square.” And I said, “Well, in that case, yes, I was parked at Market Square.” She says, “What were you doing there?” I said, “I was buying a cigar.” “… … buying a cigar, … ” “Ask him what else was he doing.” “What else were you doing?” “Nothing.” “I just drove away.” “Weren’t you talking to some people?” I said, “Oh, yeah, yeah!”, said I was doing autographs for some Aberdeen supporters. “… oh, writing autographs, … ” “What were you signing these autographs on, Mr Connolly?” I said, “Money.” “Fives, tens, twenties.” “Working men seldom have autograph books, he-he-he.” “Can you tell me what this is about?” She says, “Well, I’m sure I can tell you, I’m sure you’re completely innocent here.” “We were watching you on closed-circuit television.” “And you happened to be talking to three of the biggest drug dealers in Aberdeen.” “And all we could see was money changing hands.” I swear it’s true. And I said, “Well, you can search my car, I’ve got nothing to do with drugs.” She says, “I understand, that’s fine, you can go on your way, Mr Connolly.” “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention this to anybody.” I said, “My lips are sealed.” Don’t know why I bother doing this. Being Scottish I shouldn’t be a comedian at all, we are a fucking melancholy bunch. When the sun comes out in Scotland, we go, “Oh, fuck, we’ll pay for this.” I know a guy in Scotland who loved his wife so much he almost told her one day. I love telling you these wee stories. I was summoned to the Office of Births, Marriages and Deaths in Edinburg. And I happily went to. They wanted to talk to me because they doing an exhibition. To encourage people to come and look into their backgrounds, you know, the family backgrounds, and use their equippment. So they’d get ten famous Scottish people. And they had done theirs and you could go and look at it and see what you thought, you know. Ten famous Scots—ther was Sean Connery, me, and eight other guys. I just do that to irritate Ewan McGregor. Brian Cox, how do you fucking like that? And they made a great job of it, you know. So when I went through and it was great, and of course, there’s lots of other famous Scottish people. You know Alan Cumming? Well, I did a gig in Holliwood. It was for BAFTA, the British Academy. And I was presenting Britannia Awards to Americans who’d been in British movies. And it was a nice night, and everything went rather well. The following year they got Alan Cumming to do it, so I had to show up and hand over to him, that’s the way they do it. And I’d always been dying to meet him anyway, ’cause I think he is amazing. Plus he comes from Carnoustie in the East Coast of Scotland, And I had a holiday there when I was ten, and I was dying to tell him. Not only that, Carnoustie is very close to Arbroath. You’re getting to be fucking boring! And I lost my virginity in Arbroath, and I was dying to tell him that as well. So I met him, and we go “How’re you doing? I love your work, da-da-da-da-da, I believe you come from Carnoustie,” he said, “Yeah.” I said, “I had a holiday there when I was ten, I had a lovely time.” He said, “That’s nice.” I said, “And I lost my virginity in Arbroath.” And his answer will go to my grave with me. He said, “I passed my driving test there.” I said, “I think I won.” But the Birth, Marriages, and Death was great. There was a woman called Morrison, I think her name was, was a historian. She took me through the history of my family, you know, from Galway, and the Isle of Mull, and all that, and it was all very interesting. And she said, “What do you think?” I said, “I’m delighted.” She said, “You’re not disappointed?” I said, “Why would I be disappointed? She says, “Well, some people, “when they realize their family is all peasants, they get disappointed.” I said, “I’m delighted about that,” I said, “I love peasant stuff, I love peasant food, music, literature. I said, “Why would I be disappointed?” She said, “That’s a very refreshing attitude.” I said, “I’m a very refreshing kind of person, Ms Morrison.” I said, “I can’t believe people get disappointed.” She says, “Oh, fff…” “Last week we had a big fat middle class woman in here.” Well, it was just “a woman,” I added those other bits. There’s a bitchy side of me, I’m gonna have to do something about it. Said she was really disappointed to find that her great-great Granny’s name was Fanny Kissing. I said, “Why was she disappointed, it’s my hobby.” If you ever get a chance, you should go to that place, it’s brilliant, they’ve got brilliant stuff. She changed into white gloves, I thought she was going to do an Al Jolson impersonation. “Oh, Mammy!” But it was to go and get this certificate, it was the birth certificate of Mary Queen of Scots. I’ve actually held it in my hands, I was trembling, it was a magnificent thing. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, she was executed just around the corner from where I was standing. It was extraordinary. And then she went away and got another one. Rob Roy McGregor. What a prick. He was a spy for the English against the Scots, and a spy for the Scots against the English. He was a murderer and a thief. He was almost 7 feet tall. And they said he could tie his bootlaces standing up. He must have been the most peculiar shape. Now, I dislike him because of the movie Rob Roy, which seems a bit unfair. But if you abide with me. If you saw it you remember a scene where someone has stolen his cattle. And he and his men are up in the hill, looking for them, and one of them jumps over a fence into a field. “Ah, there’s nee coos here, Robert. [cows] “Wait a minute!” He finds a cow shit. He takes a big bite out of it. “They been gone two hours, Rob.” I am here to inform you: The people of Scotland do not tell the time by eating shit. My grandfather lived to the age of 93. Never once did I see him go into his waistcoat pocket, pulling out dog shit, having a bite, and saying, “Fuck, is that the time already?” Never once! You’d have liked my grandfather ??? I loved him but I don’t think he liked me. I don’t think he liked anybody. He liked living alone and complaining a lot. 7 minutes was the longest meeting I ever had with him. And I was telling Pamela before she met him, my wife. I took her to meet him, and he came to the door, and he says, “Oh, hello, Billy—you must be the lovely Pamela, come in, come in, come in.” And I told her to check her watch on the way in. ‘Cause we’re going for the record here. 7 minutes is the record. So he said, “Sit on the couch there, aye, that’s lovely, I’ll get you a cup of tea?” “Tea and a bisquit, how does that sound, aye, right.” Goes away into the kitchen, there’s a lot of crashing and banging. “Who left this here?!” Lives alone. Then he comes wondering out, no teapot, no cups, no nothing, no bisquits. He comes up to me and says, “Well, I’m sure you are a very busy man.” Which is middle class Scots’ for “fuck off”. We get outside the door, I said, “How did we do?” —”Six minutes.” —”Yes!” Well, I was in Oban, just north of Fort William, I was fishing. Fly fishing is my hobby, and I was fishing, I was catching nothing. And a guy in the same position joined me on the river bank, he said, “You catching anything?” I said, “Not a sausage.” He says, “There are sausages in here?” I said, “Oh, f … ….” He says, “I’m surprised you’re here at all.” I said, “What gives you that surprise?” He said, “Your pals are down at Fort William.” I said, “Who is it?” “Liam Neeson, Brian Cox are there.” I said, “What are they doing? He said, “Rob Roy, the movie.” “I thought you’d be down there.” I said, “I think you’ve given me a good idea.” So I showed down there and I had dinner with the boys. And we’d a great time and a good laugh. Now, they told me a story about making Rob Roy, I think that happened during the movie. Now, they swear it’s true. And I think it’s true. And if I tell it properly you’ll think it’s true. So. They were up on the hill one day, in all the kilts, in all the Rob Roy heavy tweed coats, and a… and Jacobite kilt, it’s up at the front, down at the back, and… big heavy plaid, and a big hat, and a lace jabot, and a belt, and boots. And it was a really hot day in Scotland. And they were… As a matter of fact, it was THE really hot day in Scotland. They were climbing up the hill, covered in sweat. And they had no underwear on, ’cause they were doing it all authentic and all. And there was millions of midges, g-g-g-g-g, biting the bollocks off them. “Oh, Jeesus, oh, fucking hell.” Passers-by thought it was formation highland dancing. And they weren’t filming. They were just climbing up the hill. And the reason they weren’t filming is, there was no armourer there. Now, the armourer’s in charge of all the weapons and all the safety on the film, and you mustn’t start filming without him. But he was away in the middle of the highlands, lost, in his van, trying to find them. He was in his van, full of guns, and bombs, and swords, and daggers. And a map on his knee, going, “Holy shit, where am I gonna find these fucking people?” Now, everybody hates the armourers anyway because they never let you play with their stuff. They are always checking the safety of the guns, “There you go, let me see it again, let me see it again, again, again.” “Put that… don’t do that, don’t do this, don’t do fucking that.” I’ll give you an example. When I was doing Boondocks Saints in Toronto, I had a scene to do, and I was desperate to do it. I was an assassin in the movie. I had a long black coat on, and a leather waistcoat down to here. And on the waistcoat I had six 9 millimiter pistols, four Glocks and two Berettas. And had to blow the shit out of this building. And halfway between me and the building was Willem Defoe doing a dance. He was a gay detective, Doing a fantasy dance. There was a car behind me that was to be blown up by special effects. And I’ve got a cap on and a cigar which I’m biting on, and sunglasses. So the director was talking to me, and he says, “Here’s what I want you to do.” He says, “I want you to take out the first two guns,” “Empty them at the house, smiling and chewing your cigar.” “When they are empty, just throw them, you don’t give a shit about them.” “Take the next two, the same, booboomboomboomboomboom.” “Throw them to hell.” “Now, with the last two, cross your arms, and grab the two, and spin.” “And when you get back, whip them out, empty them at the house, and throw them away.” “You think you can do that?” I said, “I was fucking born to do that!” So he goes away to the camera guys. And I’m standing, going over it: “Motherfucker!” See, I’ve started adding bits already. And I hear: “Mr Connolly!” “Mr Connolly!” “Mr Connolly!” I said: “Where the fuck are you?” “Over here.” It was the armourer. He was poking his head around the side of the fender of the car, he was on his hands and knees. I said, “What are you doing here? We are about to start.” He said, “I realize it, Mr Connolly. I heard the director talking to you.” “And he was telling you to throw the guns away.” “Well, they are in beautiful condition and they are very expensive.” “Do you think instead you can hand them to me?” I said, “Rearrange these words into a popular phrase or saying:” “Yourself, fuck, go.” I mean, can you imagine? “Motherfucker!” I don’t think so. Well, he is lost in the highlands, he has a map on one knee, he’s driving through these villages, he doesn’t know where he is. ‘Cause the villages have all Gaelic names, you know, nine consonants, no vowels. “Jesus, how do you pronounce that?” he says, “This must have been discovered by a guy with a cleft palate.” “nmnmbmbmbnmn” And the next one had ten vowels and no consonants. ‘Cause in Scotland we sometimes communicate with phlegm. That’s pronounced “Hanghakhakhanakha.” Now, it’s disgraceful to make fun of people with speech impediments. And I’ve just done it. And I’m not the least bit sorry. ‘Cause it’s a good laugh. When I was about 12 we used to roam about the streets at night, me and my friends. Quite innocently playing games with stuff in shop windows. And there was a shop near us, always puzzled me, it was a surgical store. They don’t seem to have them anymore. They sold condoms and things like that. And trusses for people with hernias. And they had these pictures of naked people with this stuff on them— straps, and buttons, and belts. And you couldn’t help but make the distinction in sex between buckles, and belts, and condoms, and that’s the case for the defense, your honor. But we had a good laugh. Now, it was called Saul Sade’s Surgical Store, was the name of the store. And the guy who owned it had a speech impediment. He had a “thrshshshsh” You know, you would never see him in a “silk suite” Or, even less, a “seersucker suite.” Well, me and my pals used to phone him. We’d squeeze into a phone box. Four pennies in the machine. And I was the guy who had to play to be a man. “Hello? Who am I speaking to?” He would, “Thaul Thade Thurgical Thtore.” My pals are saying, “Don’t laugh, don’t laugh.” “Do the thing you practiced.” “OK, OK, OK.” “Do you specialize in sexual aids for senior citizens?” “What’th that?” “Do you specialize in sexual aids for senior citizens?” “What? Thexual aidth for thenior thitizens?” “Ith that you, Billy Connolly, I know your voithe!” “I’ll get your arse!” So the guy’s lost in the highlands. He’s sweating, he cannot find the film company, gone, “Oh, fuck.” He turns right into a village. It’s one of typical Scottish highland village: just two rows of houses and a road. He turns right, and he’s trying to fold the map at the same time. He looks up just too late to save a cat tha’s run accross the road. A big tomcat. Hit’s it with both sets of wheels, you know. “Oh, fuck.” “Poor bastard.” He gets out and he looks back, and there in the gutter, about ten feet back, there’s a cat: This is a bit especially for cat lovers. I’ve had them standing up, saying, “For God’s sake, that’s enough!” He says, “Oh, Jesus, it’s in misery.” “Where’s my toolbox?” Gets a hammer. He goes up to the cat. “Sorry, pal, if it was up to me, this wouldn’t be happening.” “But, unfortunately, this is the way of all flesh.” “Cheerio.” Right in the face. No sooner has he done it, when the cottage door opens, and a big woman comes out with flour up to her elbows. She’s been making scones all day. Like every decent Scottish woman should. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” “Hitting my cat in the face with a hammer?!” You don’t get many opportunities in your life to ask that question. “I was in there making scones and I saw you hitting in the face with a hammer, you fucking psychopath. Are you from Glasgow by any chance? “Oh, you don’t understand, missis, I hit it with my van.” “What, was the hammer not good enough for you?” “No, I hit it with the van first.” “And that put it in agony, then I hit it with a …” “Oh, that makes it alright, is it?” “No, you don’t seem to understand…” “I’ll tell you what I do understand, you’re in deep shit.” “Charlie! Charlie!” The next cottage door opens, and a policeman comes walking out. “Aye, what seems to be the trouble, Heather?” “I hope you’ve got a good excuse here, I was just about to interfere with myself there.” “The smell of them scones was turning me right on.” She says, “This bastard hit my cat in the face with a hammer.” “What are you doing hitting cats in the face with hammers?” “Oh,” he says, “it was in agony.” She says, “No, it wasn’t, Charlie. “It was sunbathing, I was making scones, and I looked through the windie. “and I saw it sunbathing, and he walked up and hit it in the face with a hammer.” “Oh, you don’t understand,” he says. “I hit it with my van.” He says, “So the hammer’s not good enough for you?” “Oh, give me a break.” He’s, “I’ll tell you what, come on, we’ll have a look at that van of yours.” So they go along to see the van. “Open it up.” He opens, it’s full of guns and bombs. “Holy shit!” “Are you with these ISIS bastards?” He says, “No, no, I’m an armourer on a movie.” He says, “What is that?” He says, “I’m in charge of the weapons, and their safety, and all that.” “And where is the movie?” He says, “Fort William, I cannot find it, that’s why I’m here.” “I’ll give you directions, don’t worry about that.” He said, “I’ll have to check the rest of your van now.” “Should I?” —”Go ahead.” He’s on the side, and gets those rubber mud guards at the back. He pulls up, and he looks under. And in the wheel arch there’s a dead cat. Do you hope it’s true? It was sunbathing. It was dreaming about chasing mice through the glen. I’ve become an avid listener to Radio 4. I think I may be getting old. I still like rock’n’roll and everything, but I get so tired listening to disk jokeys’ inane pish. Being told the time all the time. I can’t take it anymore. “In 4 minutes it will be 3 minutes to 2 minutes past one.” I can tell the time, I’ve got a watch, fuck off. I hate it so much. And people complain about Radio 4, saying it’s old-fashioned. It’s lovely, they’re professional people. They just take the time. And it’s got a lot of people who specialize in one thing, and I really like that. Somebody who specializes in one thing and doesn’t veer from it. Well, I was on tour, and I was in Cardiff. I was having a shower in a hotel. And the speaker, the great luxury of a speaker in the shower. And I was waiting for the program that had been advertised, it was about heckling. And I thought it would be interesting to hear, to see if I recognize any of the stuff. And… And as it turned out, they didn’t have enough material to do it, so they had to share it with a program on revenge. And that was on first. And it was very interesting, there was a woman describing revenge, and she said, that women were much more into revenge than men. Men tend to lash out, she said. Yeah, fucking bitch. Stab you. Have some of that. Share this between ears. These are Glasgow expressions. My favourite one is: “Keep your jacket on, I’ll knock you out of the fucking thing.” But she said, women are more inclined to say, “My day will come.” “You’ll be sleeping, and I’ll have a bread knife.” And she told story of a woman in London, she lived with an airline pilot. And he phoned her from South Africa, he sounded a real bastard. He may even have been a cunt. He phoned her up and he said, “Listen, bitch,” “Get your shit out of my house by Friday, I’ve got a new bitch moving in.” Sounds like a rascal to me, a raffian. Well, of course, she was broken-hearted. And she broke down in tears. And eventually she got over it and packed her stuff. And was about to move out and discovered that her stereo equipment was far to heavy to carry, she’d have to come back and get it, you know, with the big speakers and all. So she was writing a note to that effect when she got this idea. And she nipped out to the fishmonger’s, and she got a bag of shrimps, and came back, unpicked the hem on the curtain in the main room. Put a line of shrimps and sewed it up again. Then she left a note that she’d be back on Friday for the stereo. The following Friday she showed up, and he was at the door. “Oh, you’re here for your stereo? Ah, it’s in the room.” “Listen, when you’re in there, see if you smell anything, I’ve noticed some kind of weird smell in there. “Oh,” she said, “I will.” So she got her stuff, he said, “Did you smell anything?” —”No.” She left. Six weeks later she met him in the stores when she was shopping. “How’re you doing?” He said, “Oh, I’m in fucking misery.” He says, “Even as we speek, the plumbers are up in my living room pulling up the floor boards.” “They think there’s something dead under the floor.” “And the police have shown an interest, they are coming to dig the garden up tomorrow.” And she says, “Oh, that’s a shame.” Six weeks later one of the neighbors told her he had moved away. And took the curtains with him. Well, the heckling programme came on after that. And it was a bit of a disappointment, I’d heard it all before. Apart from one. The last one. Which turned my blood to ice. It was a phone-in from London, the guy said he was in a London comedy club. And a complete novice got up, it must have been a kind of open mike night. And a novice got up, and he’s trying his best, and he said, “My wife’s away on holiday to Jamaica. Oh, no, no, I’m not supposed to tell you that, I’m sorry.” “I’m supposed to just say, ‘My wife’s…’ and it isn’t Jamaica anyway, it’s Barbados, I think.” “Or is it Bahamas?” “But anyway, I’m supposed to say, ‘My wife’s away on holiday,’ and you say,” “‘Where to?’ And I say, ‘Jamaica,’—I said, but it isn’t Jamaica, it’s some other…” “what was it? I can’t… Bahamas?” “Bahamas, or Barbados, or whatever it is,” and a voice… came from the darkness. It might even have been the devil. “You’re not funny and nobody likes you.” “You should have remembered that from school.” Isn’t that a bastard? I think I remember right, it was a cunt. But anyway, I’ll tell you about the worst heckler I ever had. It was in Dundee University Folk Club. I used to be a folk singer, and I played the banjo. Now, the banjo is a nice instrument, and it’s kinda complicated, but the songs leave a bit to be desired. So usually about chicken pie, and cuckoos, and things like that. And I love it, I don’t give a fuck. But I was entertaining in this… and I was going down pretty badly, it was a bad night. There was a jukebox at the back of the room, which was supposed to be switched off, and some prick kept switching it on. So in the middle in my “Chicken Pie” I kept getting “Awopbopaloobop alopbamboom.” And a dog had wondered in and had a piss. And left, and didn’t even stay. So I was doing a song called “There’s A Rabbit In The Log.” It’s a great song, it’s about a rabbit stuck in a hollow log, and it can’t get out. It’s full of suspense. “Oh, there’s a rabbit in the log, and I ain’t got no dog.” And this prick in the audience went, “Needle of Death.” I said, “I’m sorry?” Sing “Needle of Death.” I said, “Needle of Death?!” I said, “That’s a song about heroin addiction.” I said, “If you noticed, this is a fucking banjo.” “Banjos don’t do heroin addiction.” “If they did, it would sound like, ‘Oh, fuck, I’m hooked on smack again.'” I said, “It’s a good song. Bert Jansch is a great guy, a great writer.” “But the minute I heard it I didn’t learn it because I knew I wouldn’t be singing it.” “‘Cause I’m a banjo player.” “So that’s it, don’t ask again. You’ll like these verses about a chicken.” “There’s a chicken on the limb, and he got mind on him.” “Needle of Death.” I said, “I told you, I don’t know the fucking thing!” “Why do you keep asking, I told you I don’t know the words, I don’t know the chords, how could I possibly sing it?” “Don’t ask again.” “Needle of Death.” “Stay where you are.” I went up the aisle, along the row. Asking people, “Was it you?”—”No.” “You?” “Who? The fat prick with the moustache?” “So I got up to him and I said, “Are you the guy who’s asking for ‘Needle of Death’?” He said, “Yeah.” And I went, !!! And I gave him the order of the fat lip. It’s the biggest mistake I ever made. He was the treasurer, I didn’t get a fucking penny. I’ve had some shit nights in my life. Did I ever tell you about the dead guy? A dead guy in an audience can really fuck the night up. I had this friend, called Les Smith, who was a splendid guitarist and singer. And he had parents who were brilliant as well, they had a little country band. They sometimes played together, but most of the time he was just a solo guy. Well, his mother had phoned and asked me to do a charity with them, they were gonna be together. And would I come and play my autoharp? ‘Cause she liked the way I played it. The autoharp is like a zither. You play up here, play Appalachian hillbilly music. As a matter of fact, There may be some of you in here, those people who’ve said, “I wish I’d learned an instrument back then, I’d be good by now.” This is the one for you. It’s the only instrument you can play as soon as you get it home from the shop. As long as it’s in tune. It’s got 36 strings, and 12 bars, each bar is a chord. Some have got different number of bars, 15, or 12. Well, you know what numbers are, I won’t then show them, so… So you can accompany yourself that night. Now, I can jigs and reels, and tunes, and that takes a wee bit longer. But stick in. That’s all It was just a little interesting bit of information. You see, the touble with interesting stuff— it doesn’t have a punchline. It just ends, you know. Very interesting now. That was interesting, wasn’t it, aye. So I agreed to do the gig. She said it was at a hospice. And I didn’t even know what a hospice was, I thought she had a speech impediment. We all turned up at a hospital in Glasgow and they directed us to the hospice. And we were in a big room. There was nothing in it, just us. And floor boards highly polished. Looked like a ballroom. And I said to Les, “Where are the people gonna sit?” “There’s no chairs or anything. Do they lie on the floor or something?” He says, “I don’t know.” But we didn’t have long to wait. There was a door over in the corner. And a bed get pushed in. And it had a draft excluder along the floor, it went: “Pbdum, pdum.” And the guy in the bed went, “Aaaa, aaa!” “Behave yourself, for fuck’s sake!” The guy pushing him: “I’m sorry about that.” “Aaa, well, mind what you’re doing.” Well, that happened 24 times. There was two semicircles of beds. Then the wheelchairs came in. The big exotic ones that look like the Forth Bridge. For guys in traction, you know, like that. Pbum, pb, “A-a-a-a! Fucking, a-a-a-a!” ??? you want a hammer?” Pushing them in. 24 of them. Then the self-propelled wheelchairs. Of morning faced wench bags. “I didn’t want to come here, I wanted to watch Coronation Street.” “Who are they anyway, The Smiths, I never fucking heard of them.” “Oh, look at the big hairy one with the harp.” “That’s a nancy-boy, if ever I saw one.” “Away, you big fucking Jessie!” “How does a puncture sound, you cheeky prick?” “Don’t let this fool you, I’m not a hippie, I like violence, shut the fuck up.” So… We got ready, I said to Les, “I don’t think there’ll be much applause in here tonight, most of the hands are under the covers.” And it went surprisingly well. We started with “Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side.” We got a kind of muffled applause at the end. Now, people seldom believe me when I tell them that a guy died when I was singing “Bury Me Beneath The Willow.” But it’s true. “Oh, bury me beneath the willow, under the weeping willow tree.” “When she sees that I am sleeping maybe then she’ll think of me.” And I got to there. Mrs Smith leaned over. And she says, “Take an instrumental break, Bill.” I said, “Certainly.” I got to there, and a guy over here in one of the big wheelchairs, with a yellow tartan blanket over him, went: I said, “That’s the stuff, join in,” “Bury me beneath the willow.” “Under the weeping willow tree.” “When she sees that I am sleeping,” “You are doing well!” “Maybe then she’ll think of me.” And then his tone changed. The holy shit! I went back over, and Les was standing here with his guitar. He says, “What’s wrong?” I said, “That guy just fucking died.” “I was singing with him and he bought the farm right in front of me.” “Fuck off!” I said, “I’m telling you!” “Where is he?” I said, “He’s the one with the yellow blanket.” He says, “I’m gonna look.” “Please yourself.” “Jesus!” “When she sees that I am sleeping…” Said, “He’s dead!” I say, “I just fucking told you that!” Well, they just left the guy there. Nobody pulled the blankets up. Nobody did the magic eyes closing hand. No, nobody put pennies on his … they just left him: ‘Cause that’s what they do in the real world. They just leave you. It’s only in Hollywood they pull the blankets up over your face. And I’ve had proof of this before. I was on Baffin Island. To my deep disappointment. I was on Baffin Island, which is just to the left of Greenland there, it’s the top of Canada. And I was with the Inuit Eskimo people, I was making one of those travel films. And they’d offered to take me out on a 12-dog sled. Now, if you ever get the offer, to go out on one of those sleds pulled by 12 huskies, say, “No, thank you.” I’ll tell you why. Those dogs fart. Like farting was invented the day before yesterday. I’ve never known… And they all do it at the same time. Holy Jesus, motherfucker! Lumps of dog shit. Now, you know it’s bad enough when your own dog farts in the house. “Oh, God Almighty, Fluffy, behave yourself!” Well, they don’t even have a house. They just lie out in the snow 24/7. They throw them bits of frozen walrus and seal. They lick it till it thaws and then they eat it and they have a kip (nap). And they say, “Come on, we’ll run.” It’s a fucking nightmare. So I’m sitting on the sled. They’d made me a suit from seal skin. A theal thkin thuite. From Thathkatchewan. So I’m sitting up at the front like an Ethkimo. The big Inuit guy stands in the back, standing on the sleds. He’s got a … He’s got a whip. He goes, … ‘Cause he can’t make the whip crack, he has to do that noise with his mouth. He says, “Yataka-a-a, kayaka takaya nakaka takayakaka tayakaka!” I said, “Oh, come on!” He said, “What?” I said, “Whatever happened to ‘mush!’?” “Every Eskimo movie I ever saw, they go, ‘Mush!'” He said, “Oh, that’s a Hollywood word.” He said, “We say,” ‘katayakakaya katakakayaka katayakaka'” He says, “Roughly translated it means, ‘That’s enough of the farting, lads, let’s get some running done.'” I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. So, anyway… The gig at the hospice ended. And we went home. Went home to the Smiths’ house. ‘Cause they were putting me up for the night. And Mrs Smith was at a wee table, she’s making some toast, she’s a lovely woman, you know. You don’t need to be lovely to make toast, but she was… It doesn’t do any harm at all. I wondered over, and I said to her, “That was a terrible shame tonight, wasn’t it?” She said, “What?” I said, “That guy.” “What guy?” I said, “Come on!” She said, “No, really?” I said, “The guy who died at our gig.” She put the knife down. She said, “Billy Connollly, I’m gonna tell you something, I would like you to remember it.” “Your sense of humor is gonna get you in trouble.” “I just…” I say, “He died.” She said, “Don’t! Don’t make it any worse for yourself.” I said, “Ask Les, he’ll tell you. Your son.” She went, “Leslie!” Full title; deep shit. He came wondering up. She says, “According to your friend here,”—no title; deep shit. “…someone died in the audience today.” He said, “That’s right.” She said, “Oh, I see.” “Two of you against your wee mother.” “You must be so proud of yourselves.” He said, “Mother, it’s true.” She said, “Don’t make it worse. Look,” She says, “I’m gonna phone that hospice in the morning, and I want you two standing here.” He said, “Fair enough.” Stood there.  In the morning we are standing, she phones the hospice. “Hello? Is that the hospice?” “Yes, this is the hospice here.” For some reason, an Aberdonian police woman answered the phone. Actually it was a guy. “Aye, this is the hospice here, can I help you?” She said, “I’m Mrs Smith, I was performing last night with the country band called ‘The Smiths’ there.” He said, “I remember you well, you were brilliant.” She’s, “Oh, I’m glad you enjoyed it”. She says, “Well, you remember, one of the band was a big tall fellow.” “He played the autoharp, he had long hair.” He says, “Oh, aye, the poof.” She says, “Oh, for Goodness’s sake! We don’t like that kind of talk around here.” “Stop it!” “Aye, alright.” She said, “He insinuates that somebody died in the audience last night. Is this true?” He says, “Well, actually, I’m not at liberty to divulge that kind of information.” “But a guy did die right enough.” She says, “Oh, my God!, that’s terrible!” He says, “Not reallly, that’s what they are here for.” “Well, they are here to spend the rest of their life but it comes to the same thing in the end, do you know what I mean?” “As a matter of fact, we lost another one today.” “A particularly sad one, it was a suicide.” She says, “Oh, for God’s sake!” “How, what means did he use to take his life? Did he save up his drugs and take them all at once?” “I believe they do that sometimes.” He says, “Well, actually, I’m not at liberty to divulge the method he used.” “But he jumped out the window.” “And plummeted to his death on the stairs below.” She says, “Oh, for God’s s… Wait a minute,” she says. “We were there last night.” “As far as I can remember, you’re in a bungalow, you’re on the ground floor.” “What’s all this ‘plummeting to your death on the stairs below’?” He says, … “You have to remember, Mrs Smith, old people are very brittle.” Now, at this point in the proceedings, confusing as it may seem, I have to give you a lecture on safety, it’s a Government regulation. Because apparently you’ve been driving like fucking maniacs. Now, eating and drinking while driving is a stupid things to do, I’m sure you realize that. And texting while driving isn’t the most clever thing you’ve ever done. Masturbating while driving is a worry. And smoking while driving can be desperately dangerous. Now, smoking’s dangerous enough itself. I would still smoke today if my wife hadn’t nagged the fucking face off me. And I loved to smoke, I loved to smoke. I used to go to sleep at night thinking about my first smoke in the morning. Ooh, how I loved it. And everybody knows that when you light up a cigarette, God takes an hour of your life and gives it to Keith Richards. I used to smoke non-filtered cigarettes, proper cigarettes, or fags. “Yesss!” But the non-filter has one desperate failing. It sticks to your face sometimes. Not all the time, maybe every six packs, every nine packs you’ll get one that sticks. Now, when I say it sticks to your mouth I don’t mean it has a slight tackiness. I mean it’s welded to your face. You can cajole and coax it and nothing happens. The only thing that’s gonna get it off is a good healthy tug. And if you say the word “uff” when you do it, that helps as well. With one of two results. Either the cigarette will burst— and there’ll be shag all over your face, and this will be unlightable—or you’ll pull a chunk of your lip. And it’s really painful, it bleeds. Well. I was driving down the M1. I had an old Jaguar I bought from a hire company who saw me coming. When you got to 70 it made a weird rumbling noise and things would fly past the window. Like mirrors and things like that. It was a heap of shit, but loved it. I had a radio blaring. ZZ Top on the radio. And I’m giving it plenty … smoking, I was as happy as a clam. And you know how happy clams are. They are the happiest things in this … And it happened. “You, bastard, you!” There was a car in front of me, a car behind me, and a van to my left. I was in in a wee coffin space. Doing about 80. “Fucking…”—Beep, beep. “I’ve a fag stuck to my lip, you crazy bastard!” I decided to go for the “uff”. Neither of the two things I described to you happened. A third thing that had never happened before happened. My fingers slid along the cigarette. And lifted the lit bit off the end. It dropped to my crotch. “Jesus Christ!” “Fucking…!” Can’t move it about. “Jesus!” Beep, beep. “I’m on fire, you crazy bastard!” Smoke started to drift up, I thought, “Oh, shit!” I stood up and I was beating it like this. Those people driving the other way on the motorway, going, “Look at that prick, he thinks he’s on a horse.” Change of scenery. We are now in a pub in Glasgow. We’re in the Scotia bar where I used to play my banjo. It was always full of great players, guitarists, and mandolinists, and violinists, and autoharpers, and accordionists. and writers, and poets, and playwrights, and directors, and producers. A fine cross-section of Glasgow’s unemplyoed at the time. We were over in the left of the pub. In the middle were the guys from the fish market. Giving the place that certain ambiance that it had. And at the other end was a motorcycle outfit called The Blue Angels who looked like mass murderers but were actually rather nice guys. One of them only had half an arm. Like this. It was missing from there down. “Would be hardly be missing from there UP, Billy.” “How does he do that?!” “Amazing!” I swear on my childrens’ life it’s true. Tattoed around the stump: “To be continued.” That describes what the pub was like; it was a fucking madhouse. And into this wondered Gordon one day, with his vertical striped velvet coat, his shoes that turned up at the front, his Brylcreem, his ascot tie, and his violin. And weird look about his face. And I became instantly friendly with him. As it turned out, he only had one eye. He’d lost it in a motoring accident in Spain. But that’s not how we discovered it—just him telling us. That came later. We discovered one day when it was somebody’s birthday. In the pub. “Happy Birthday!” Chink-chink. “Happy Birthday, all the best.” Chink-chink. “Yeah, all the best.” Chink-chink. “Happy Birthday.” Gordon went, “Yeah, Happy Birthday.” “Did you see that?!” “He chinked the glass off his fucking eye!” He was a crazy bloke. He drank Guinness. And when he needed to pee he’d take his eye out and put it in the foam. ‘Cause there was a lot of thieves in the pub, they called them “minesweepers.” “That’s mine—aaaaaa!.” Well, I was walking through the pub one day, and he came in the door with a sling on his arm. You know, the bandage, a sling. I said, “What happened to you?” He said, “You’ll never believe it. I was driving up Sauchiehall Street, I was scratching my good eye. “I ran into the back of a bus.” He thought because his artificial eye was expensive, he could see through it. Now. A sling is a sexy bandage. I’m sure you’ve never thought of it like that yourself. But if you ask any man in here how he felt when another boy walked into the playground at school wearing a sling. I bet he says, “Oh, I wish I’d one of them.” “If I had one of them, Agnes McDonald’s knickers would fly off.” It just happens to be a sexy bandage. As a matter of fact, it’s the second sexiest bandage there is. There are sexy bandages and there are unsexy bandages. Unsexiest bandage is the top of the head bandage tied under the chin. You couldn’t get laid in a brothel with a note from your doctor. I saw a guy in Belfast with one of them on. He was walking up the road at the center of the pavement. The “couldn’t give a fuck” walk. “I couldn’t give a fuck.” Now, if you had one of those bandages, you would’t be doing the “couldn’t give a fuck” walk. You’s be walking close to the wall. In case whatever happened to you happened again. Well… I was… I was being driven down the road. I said to my driver, Billy, I said, “Look at that prick.” His answer lives with me. He said, “Looks like he was talking when he shoul’ve been listening, Bill.” Now, I told you the sling is the second sexiest bandage of them all. The sexiest bandage is only worn by Clint Eastwood and other people who play the lead in Western movies. You’ll have seen them after they’ve been in a great fracas, they’ll be sitting up in bed, stripped to the waist, shining. Glowing with sweat. Talking to the leading lady whose legs are already going. Because he is wearing THE BANDAGE. It goes over one shoulder, ’round the top of the arm, under the arm and across the chest, and under that arm. Leaving this arm free to fuck about. Change of scenery. We’re now on an airstrip in Mozambique. Standing in front of one of those single-engined aeroplanes, one of those Buddy Holly pieces of shit. The ones that sound like eeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I hate them. I was there for Comic Relief, me and another comedian. The people of Mozambique were suffering from starvation and terror attacks. So we sent two comedians. Fucking liberators. We’re waiting for the pilot. To take us into the interior. Now, whenever you see one of these single-engine pieces of shit, They’ve got terrible habits, like, eeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeee Don’t fucking do that again! But my least favourite: eeeeeeeeEeeeeeeEeeee This is sometimes known as the atheism test. Whenever you see one of these aeroplanes, or any, maybe several of them together, have a look aroung and you’ll see the bore, you’ll find them. He has a blazer, cavalry twills, and suede shoes. And he usually has a moustache. And there’s a badge on the blazer, and it’s on the tie as well. That’s the bore. And he’ll be saying, “That’s real flying.” Yes, real seat-of-the-pants flying. Up and away, over the wide blue yonder “Real flying.” I like to say, “Fuck off.” Real flying is up front in a jumbo, being spoon-fed caviar from a woman with huge tits. Who whispers in your ear that your air miles entitle you to a blowjob. If that’s not flying I don’t know what is. Now, for some reason, when you’re doing these charities in Africa, the people who fly you around tend to be American, fat, born-again Christians. I don’t know why it should be, I only notice this. So we’re standing waiting, and they showed up. Two guys with shorts, flip-flops, and T-shirts. Guy says, “Hi, I’m Chuck, I’m the pilot.” I said, “Fuck off, Chuck.” I said, “Did they sell men’s clothes in the same shop?” He said, “What?” I said, “Yes.” “Go and get lace-up shoes, long trousers, long-sleeve shirt with epaulettes and breast pockets,” “with a packet of Rothmans showing through the pocket,” “hairy arms, a stainless steel Rolex, and a moustache and a hat with an eagle on it, is that too much to ask?” We managed to get around it, and he had us all belted up in the back seat. He said, “Before we go, I think I’ll have a word with the man upstairs.” I said, “Oh, fuck.” “Oh, Lord, look after these pilgrims, they know not what they do.” “They are simple souls, Lord, lead them on their way.” And I’m whispering, “Put the Bible down.” “Put the Bible down.” “Have a look through the manual.” So he gets ready. “Everybody OK?”—”I am fine.” “Everybody OK?”—”I’m OK!” Trees! “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” “Everybody OK?” “Well, I peed a bit there, when you …” “Oh, just be careful.” “Says we’ve to be careful.” “How are we supposed to do that?” “Aha. Excuse me.” “Yeah.” “You were talking to us a second ago, I’m sure you remember. And you were urging us to be careful. Could you tell me of what?” “About what? How am I supposed to be…” “Well, for the last two weeks we’ve been flying over here and the bandits have been shooting up at us.” “Just be careful.” So I’m sitting there, being careful. I thought, there’s some prick down there pointing his rifle up here. We land in the bush. I may be on the news. I may have the bandage. I’m practicing my speech. “It’s not about me, it’s about the children.” Then I thought—wait a minute. I am directly above the guy, and he’s got a rifle. And I’m in a sitting position. He’s not gonna hit me anywhere near here. He’ll shoot me up the arse. Or in the willy. That’s a different kinda bandage altogether. You don’t get on the news with an arse bandage. A big nappy. “It’s not about me, it’s about the…” —”Get the fuck out of here!” “People here with shoulder bandages, desperate to go on.” Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much, it’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thank you very much indeed.

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KENNY SEBASTIAN DON’T BE THAT GUY (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kenny-sebastian-dont-be-that-guy-transcript/

Make some noise for Kenny Sebastian. Oh my God. Thank you so much Mumbai. Thank you. Thank you. Really. How are you guys doing? Oh shit. Let’s do this. Come on guys. It’s the Royal Opera House, guys. The Royal Opera House. Yeah, it’s a big deal. I know none of you know the history but it’s a big deal. I took bath twice for this. Is that even possible? Apparently it is. Yes. The Royal Opera House, the great deal and it’s a big occasion because I’ve just turned 26. Yeah. I have. I don’t know why people cheer for that. Because they’re like, “Hey, he’s going to die soon. Yaay!” Yea, I am going to die soon. Yes, it’s crazy. Like 26… You won’t believe it, I was 19 once. It’s nice, like at 26. You know, it’s kind of difficult. I don’t dance as much. You know. At 19, I used to dance the best. Because at 19 you don’t care about anyone else. That’s the best way to dance. Dance like no one’s watching applies for women who are great at dancing. Men should stop. Please. Because for men, anything which is not standing is dancing. It’s not a good enough bar, okay. I’m like, “Bro, there is music. Dance, no.” “Bro, I’m dancing.” That’s not dancing guys. It is just so painful to watch. But at 19 when you go to a club, it’s great. You’re already having fun because you’re already high. Yeah, right? Because at 19 when you go out, one guy will have a great plan, “Bro, why are we spending 400 bucks on drinks in the club? When we can drink on the way, bro.” What do you want to drink? “Whatever gets me high fast.” It’s the best. You are just like neat, neat, neat, neat. It’s awesome. At 26 you have preferences. “Can I have a Jack and Coke but diet Coke, please. Oh they don’t have diet Coke. What kind of a barbaric place is this? I can’t have Jack with… Wine for me.” At 19 it’s great. And by any chance if you’re still not high you’re like, “Bro! Shots!?” “Sir, what kind of shots?” “Uh, shots!?” “Sir, how many shots?” “Uh, shot-shots!?” “Can you stop shouting, sir? Can you please stop shouting?” You don’t care and at 19 there’s no like, “Shots? What is this? Petroleum? Yeah!” It’s the best. Petroleum shots. It’s bad for the environment, good for the dancing. It’s awesome. You just dance like the club is yours. You’re like, “Whoo! Yeah, my friends and me. It’s our night.” At 26 you’re like, “Ssh! We are the loudest table here, guys.” But at 19 you don’t care. At 19 you’re there with your friends. It’s your night, it’s about you. At 19 I never felt cold… because my ego kept me warm. It’s so nice. When you grow older you become open minded so you lose heat. “Give me a neck warmer.” I read a book today. You know so… At 19, you enter the club like, “Whoo! Let’s make a circle guys! Yeah! Let’s make a circle. It’s such an awesomely unique idea, bro!” Other guy’s like, “Bro, how do you even come up with these awesome ideas? Do you have a book or something?” “Yeah bro, it’s my brain. Okay guys, let’s all together do the leg thing. The leg thing. Guys, are we forgetting something? Bollywood. Arjun, get it right Arjun.” “I’m not getting the rhythm.” “Arjun, get it right! We practised this bro.” “Arjun, it’s fine. Now we’re going to do a new thing. Centre solo dance! Go to the centre. Go to the centre.” “Bro, why are you making so many rules dude?” “Have a shot, bro!” It’s awesome. It’s nice. At 26, you dance though. I dance once in awhile. Like, go to the club. I’m like, “Hey! Nice beats. I’ll go shake a bit.” And then I remember I have to pay rent, then I stop. Deduct it from my soul. Yeah so! There are certain advantages though. At 26 you can say no very confidently… to your friends. Because at 19 you were saying no to your parents like left and right. It’s very ironic, at 19 the only two people who give a shit about you genuinely are your parents. But you hate them! Because they care about you and shit. It’s damn annoying, right. Why do they care about you so much? At 19, you used to go for a party, they’ll be like, “At least eat something…” “Mom, why do you care about my nutrition so much? Oh my God. Shit, mom. I’m late for my party. Mom! Why do we have so many doors in our house? I hate you, mom. Is that Hogwarts? I’m not a wizard, I want to be a DJ. You never let me follow my dream, mom.” Yeah! But there are certain things that I’ve gotten over at 26. Like… You know, I’m not… I don’t have stage fright anymore. It’s my job. So… I can’t come on stage and be like, “No, no! I can’t today.” I can’t do that. It’ll be a bad show. But I still feel shy though. When I’m around really pretty women. You know… Yeah, I feel all awkward and shit. I mean I don’t want that reaction or anything. I don’t know. Don’t worry, I’m not feeling shy today. So it’s fine. Oh! Did he just say that? Did he just? Did a comedian just make a joke? All the guys are like, “Brutal bro!” All the women are like, “Really? Freaking asshole. Have you even seen me? Have you even seen me? What is this shit lighting? Give me bathroom lights. I’ll show you, you son of a bitch. How dare you say that? How dare you say that, Kenny? Wow! We’re not pretty enough for him? You know how much shit I put on my face? My mother doesn’t recognise me now, yeah! I put some eye liner, some mascara, I put eyelashes to the sun roof, bitch. How dare you say that? I’m not pretty enough it seems. I put like eye shadow from light to dark, dark to light, four dimensional eye shadow. You son of a bitch. I met my grandfather. He’s doing well. I straightened my hair and I lost four of my fingers. But I’ll still climb the Himalayas, you son of a bitch.” It’s just a joke. I don’t need that. I don’t need that. It’s just a joke. Because women, they re-invent themselves. Whenever they go anywhere, it’s like how can I be better for this new venue? This new place. You enter a bathroom, a new person comes out. I’m like, “Excuse me, have you seen my friend Tina? Oh you’re Tina. Shit! Oh! Okay!” Awesome. It’s crazy. Guys when they go inside the bathroom, first question is do I really need to wash my hands? Do I? And second is why am I even wearing clothes, bro? Because guys as they get older, they just want to get naked. Look at your dad at home. Your dad hates wearing clothes. Yeah! He just hates wearing clothes. When guests come home, your mom is like, “What impression will we make?” Your dad is like, “I have to wear clothes now? No!” No!” It’s like you got a bear from the wild. And you are teaching him how to live in civilisation. It’s crazy, I know. That is the true evolutionary stage of men. They dance and they get naked. So I feel shy around women. You know there are really pretty intimidating women, right. You guys know what I’m talking about. Oh so, everyone’s a player. Okay. I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry for looking stupid. All the guys are like, “Bro, what you’re talking about? What is this shy shit? Shy? Bro that’s not in my dictionary. I’m so hot, when I step out on the road, a truck full of women come and I’m like, No, thanks and I moonwalk home. Yeah! That’s how cool I am, Kenny. Shy? I’m not shy. Yeah?” That’s why I hate asking for opinions from guys in a group. Guys are amazing people one on one. They are amazing people. Have conversations with them one on one. The moment you put them in a group, they’ll be like… Just. They are the worst people. Like women who are dating guys, you know what I am talking about. Your boyfriend one on one with you, is super emotional. They’ll be like, “Baby, I just wanna say you mean the world to me, baby.” Can you hold my hand while I talk to you? Can you hold my hand? I just wanna say the past eight months have become the best eight months. Can you do that finger thing? Can we do that finger thing? I just wanna say that… My friends… Like me and Gopal have been friends for like eight years. But your eight months feel like a life time baby. It is not even the physical thing, it’s just the cuddling. You know you make me… You make me feel warm. You know? Like you know me better than my parents too, you know. I can tell you stories that I can’t tell anybody. Baby, just… You’re my princess, I’m your prince, I just want to say that. I just want to say that.” And suddenly, his guy friends come like, “Bro, this Neha is being so clingy, bro! Shit! E-M-O, Emo! Let’s go and drink bro! Bro there are so many doors in this house, man. Hogwarts? Can we party? No! Shit. No DJ. It just sucks. Sucks man.” That’s why I hate asking guys about any trip they have taken to Goa. Goa is the number one bullshit story manufacturer. No one is going to give you a truthful story. Yes, can we have a round of applause for that. Yes. Yes. I am not even going to go to Thailand, okay. Those stories, Jesus. They should be published as novels. Guys just bullshit… I’m like, “Hey man! You went for a trip somewhere right?” He’s like, “Yeah, man.” “Where did you go?” “Goa.” – “Okay, I don’t want to know. It’s fine.” “Hey bro, listen bro! Bro listen, no. Let me tell you a story, bro. Something happened, dude.” And now you are too interested. “Okay bro, what happened tell me.” “No, you don’t know.” “Okay, tell me.” “So I am sitting in the shack. It’s a beach, right. I’m sitting in the shack, bro. Looking at the beach, bro. Having noodles, bro. Cuz I’m a chill kinda guy, bro. Just eating my noodles. Having a beer, cuz I’m a chill kinda guy. Suddenly Kenny, I see these two girls in front of my table. They’re looking at me, dude. They’re looking at me, dude. They’re still looking at me, dude. Two Russian chicks, bro. Two Russian…” “Okay wait. Two Russian chicks. You’re sitting in a shack, having noodles. Which is obviously the most attractive thing you can do. And two Russian women are staring at you?” “Yeah, bro. Listen. Anyway, I’m sitting and eating noodles cuz I’m a chill kinda guy. Just eating. Suddenly they get up, bro. They come towards me and they’re like, Excuse me, but you’re really cute.” “Of course. Two Russian women get up. Come to you and say excuse me, but you’re cute.” “Yea, bro. Let me tell, no. She’s like hey do you want to go to a club? We could dance. Why should I be rude? I got up, paid the bill… Tipped also and then… We went to a club. So these three Russian women are just grinding…” “Wait, you said two Russian women.” “Bro, can you listen to the story bro. Can you listen to the story, bro?” “Yes. Then what happened?” “So these five Russian women are just grinding on me.” “Please continue.” “So these 1400 women are just like surrounding me…” I’m like, “Okay! Enough. Enough… of this bullshit!” So when I say the word shyness, women think I’m talking about this emotion. No, no! That’s what kids feel. Guys stop feeling that emotion after fifth standard when we discovered something amazing. Yeah! So, what happens is after fifth standard, that shyness, it evolves into like a new emotion. It becomes hyper awareness. This amazing term is coined by me. Basically what happens is when a guy, an adult male is in a room and an amazingly stunning woman enters the room. His brain is like… *Siren wailing* But he acts calm, he’s like, “What? It’s all cool.” But what he’s doing is, he is scanning the entire room in 3D. Like the moment she enters, he knows exactly where she is standing. And then guys come up with this hypothetical situation. They’re like, “What if… What if… She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know how amazing I am. What if… She bumps into me. What’s the sexiest thing you can do, Kenny?” She’d be like, “Hey what’s the time?” “The time? The time is 10:10 pm baby.” Okay let’s try that again. She bumps into you, sexiest thing you can do. “Excuse me.” – “Excuse you.” This happens 4000 times in one second. So recently I had to do a photoshoot. Okay. I’m like great, I like photoshoots. But then the director’s like, “Hey, a supermodel is going to be shooting with you.” I’m like, “No! No!” What? Why would he do that? Because then I have to be the best version of myself. Which is fake because human instinct is, the moment you meet someone better than you, you’re like, “Let me not be myself. I always put my hand in my life pocket. This is my hand, yes this is…” You become hyper aware, you take a bath twice. You comb your hair. When you laugh, nervously spit comes out and you apologise. “Oh shit! No, no! That’s not my spit. Usually my laughs are very dry.” You just… I don’t know what happens to your body. You just… The body just freezes up. So she was going to come for the photoshoot. So I’m waiting in the photo studio. And there are four light guys with me. I’m like, “Come on, you can do this Kenny. You can do this.” And then suddenly I hear her footsteps. She reaches the door. As she reaches the door… the door melted. Because the door was like, “I don’t want to be an obstacle.” It just fell. It couldn’t take it. “I’ll be a floor now.” It just fell. And as she entered, the light guys who were with me for 45 minutes, who didn’t give a shit about my presence. The moment she walks in, they turned all the lights toward her like… It’s a small light. It’s a small light. She is shining bright. She is super bright. As she is walking towards… there was a guy next to the door who had asthma and he was like, coughing. The moment she passed him, he was cured and he was doing asanas *Ancient Breathing exercises* I’m like, what? As she is walking closer, there was a guy with leprosy who was struggling to walk. She bumps into him and he gets cured and he starts doing squats. He won bronze for the Indian Olympics. What is happening? She is walking towards me. This symbol of perfection. Guys, by this time my brain has fused twice. My brain can’t handle such stunningness. If that’s even a word. So I’m just standing there like… ♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫ ♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫ ♫ Oh you of Distant Land ♫ Then she walks towards me because she is so sweet. She’s like, “Oh hi. You must be Kenny. Nice to meet you.” And I’m like, “The time is 10:10 pm baby!” I’m very tensed. So then there was this one part of the photoshoot, which really happened. So the camera was there. She is standing here, facing the camera. I’m standing behind her, facing the camera. It’s a simple shot. I’m like great, I don’t need to look at her. That’s great. Director’s like, “One, two, three…” Click. Then I heard another sound. *fart noise* Then the first wave hit me. My brain refused to believe that she did this. I was like, “No! No! It can’t be. It must be the window. There must be a mass rat burial outside.” I said the first wave. The second wave hit me and this was not kind. It was silent but powerful. Like the great Tsunami. Just hit me. My soul came out. It’s some Doctor Strange shit. Guys, my eyes started watering. What shocked me was the nonchalantness of this lady. Because even I had farted like five times by then. But I am intelligent about it. I’m like, “Hey! What’s that window?” *fart noise* “Ah okay, cool. Sweet. Hey can I have the juice? Sure.” *fart noise* “Oh cool.” That’s how you do it. Yeah, that’s how I was taught by the great elders. But this woman was just like… *fart noise* Civilisations destroyed. I was like, respect bro. After she did that, I was like, “Hey you are like me only. Come let’s chill. Let’s chill.” That’s great. So guys, my dating advice is that every time you’re on a date and you get intimidated just feed her beans. And you’ll fart, I mean live happily ever after. But like as I said, I am 26. I don’t know if you guys know that. It’s not like I keep bringing it up. And it’s nice. I have my own apartment now. It’s a nice apartment in Bandra. And I share the apartment with two other comedians. So the sarcasm level is so high. That when you enter you get dehydrated. It’s just… so dry. So dry. It gets very tough. And the house is damn dirty. But it is okay now. It was a mess before but now we have an angel in our lives. Who makes everything better. I’m obviously talking about the maid. By the way the correct term is… Not maid, it’s sister. [man from audience] Housekeeping. Housekeeping? It’s not a hotel. “Hello! Housekeeping?” “Hey, shut your face.” Oh sorry. Housekeeping? You stay in like South Bombay or something. What the hell is happening? Are you the President’s daughter? So, didi comes home at 9:55 am. This time was not decided by us. It was decided by her. Because like fools we decided to challenge her. I’m like, “You know didi, 9:55 is too early. Can you come at 10?” “I have two little children in my house for crying out loud.” “Oh, I am so sorry. We’ll come to your house. Forget it. It’s cool. We are moving, guys.” So my maid comes at 9:55 am. And there is a correct way of opening the door when the maid comes. It’s less than one second of eye contact. It’s basically like this. *Doorbell rings* That’s it. Got to keep it casual. If you do anything less than one second, it looks like you are pissed off with her for no reason. *Doorbell rings* Don’t do that. That’s rude. But if you do anything more than one second, things get a little weird. *Doorbell rings* Don’t do that. Don’t be that guy, don’t be creepy. So she comes home. Certain times she doesn’t come home. Because she has a reason. But usually it’s a very emotional reason. She’ll be like, “I am not coming to work for two days!” Okay. Why? And it’s usually death related. Because they come from such a hard background, right. Like all their reasons are like death related. For us the worst reason not to go to work is… “Stomach is paining. I put food in my mouth. It’s coming out now. It’s warm.” That’s the worst reason. We’re like, “Why aren’t you coming to work for two days?” “Someone straight up died in my house.” “Who died in your house?” “Don’t know, some guy came over at night and didn’t wake up in the morning.” Okay. Why are people coming into your house and dying? “I AM NOT COMING TO WORK.” It’s fine. Take three days off, it’s fine. And we’re cool with it because we can’t make out the emotional BS. But our female friends can. Because women have high EQ. They can sense the emotional BS. Bullshit. When our female friends come home and they get pissed. They’ll come home and be like, “Kenny, where is the maid? Where is the maid?” “Oh, she took three days off.” “Oh yeah. Why may I ask?” “Oh, actually someone passed away in her house.” “Oh, last week also two people died. Diwali festival also ten people will die or what?” I’m like, “Woah! Calm down.” The worst culprit of this is my mom. My mom is the sweetest, warmest, cuddliest panda there is. Super warm and caring. She is actually a panda. We stole her from China. So please don’t tell anybody. She’s endangered so they might take her away. I’m half panda by the way. Yeah, I find it very difficult to get up in the morning. So my mom is super sweet and caring. Except when the maid comes. When the maid comes home, my mom turns into a gangster. From the ghetto. She is like the Godfather’s Godmother. No seriously, it gets very like… We’ll be at home chilling, my mom is being very sweet and suddenly the maid comes home and the bell rings. *Doorbell rings* And she turns into a gangster, guys. She goes to the middle of the room and she’s like… My maid comes and she’s full scared. She’s like, “Oh no!” And my maid’s also a gangster. She’s also damn badass. Like if you put a gun in front of her, she’ll be like, “Get out of here.” We have tried. But she is scared of my mom. My maid, like she doesn’t even want much from my mom. She doesn’t even want the salary. All she wants is eye contact. Because if you get eye contact from my mom as a maid, that’s the highest form of honour. It’s like knighthood. So my maid, poor thing, she does the whole mopping of the house. She’s goes to my mom like, “Aunty, so I did the floor. It’s all clean. It’s all clean.” And my mom is like… *beatboxes* “Who’s going to do the dishes, bitch?” *beatboxes* And my maid’s like, “Shit, I forgot the the dishes.” She runs to the kitchen, she does the dishes. She takes two metals, combines them and makes a new alloy. Just to impress my mom. She makes a new dish. She cleans the window because the windows are genuinely dirty. And then she goes, cleans the neighbour’s house. Then she starts an NGO for maids… named after my mother. The Mrs. Sebastian foundation. And she goes back to my mom and like, “Okay. Did the dishes, did the window. Did the neighbour’s house, NGO. Also, we solved string theory. Because we forgot that the light behaves like a wave and entropy we didn’t even calculate.” Then mom’s like… *beatboxes* “Who’s going to make rotis, bitch?” And I’m behind her, like a Hype-Man… “Go mama, it’s your birthday. We’re gonna party like it’s your birthday.” *beatboxes* It’s crazy. It’s crazy in my house. Because I didn’t know my mom could beatbox. I didn’t. She’s amazing at it. So I am encouraging her talents. I’m pushing her to college fests. Yeah, so you if see sick-beat-panda, that’s my mom. *beatboxes* Kenny is my son, he is lame, I’m a sick panda I’m changing the game. It’s crazy. Yeah. My mom just came up with that. Feel like she shouldn’t call me lame though. It’s awesome. But it gets very tense. It gets very tense in my house. When the holy trifacta happens. Which is me, the maid and my mom. It gets very tense. It’s like a mission impossible film. Where only the mission matters. Which is cleaning the goddamn house. Everyone is just in the way man, the sofa, the house, the walls, oxygen. She is just focused. And then it’s crazy like we’re at home and I’m chilling at home. I am chilling at home. My mom catches me. “Kenny, what are you doing?” “Mom, I live here?” “What are you doing in this room?” “Existing?” “Don’t act smart with me, Kenneth. Where is the maid?” “She is in the top floor.” “So why are you not with her?” “I don’t know, I just want to be single for a while. So…” “Why are you not with her in the room?” “Why would I be with her in the room?” “What if she steals the TV?” “She’s been with us for 28 years, mom. Why would she steal the TV?” “I’ve heard stories though. Go watch her clean.” Now I have to do this weird thing where I enter the room to evaluate my maid’s work. I have no purpose of being there. So I am just walking like that. My maid’s like cleaning. “Get out of here.” Seema gets very aggressive, I mean didi gets very aggressive. Recently, I don’t know if you guys know this, I turned 26. I don’t know if I brought it up. And I’ve grown guys. I’ve grown. I am a former nice guy. Yeah. I’m sorry, I hate to say this. I used to be a nice guy but then I just realised, no point because for some reason people told me that, “Hey! Respect people if you want to be respected.” Some shit like that. Some mumbo-jumbo guys. Don’t do that. Just think about yourself. The 19 year old thing is the best. Niceness is not rewarded at all. Niceness is not rewarded. I’ll give you an example. When I go to a store, I’m like, “Sir, this sim card is not working. And he’s like, “Oh! I just noticed you’re a nice person. Let me ignore you for the next one hour.” Suddenly an asshole walks in, “WHAT SHITTY PHONE!” “Sir, please stand here. Please stand in the front of the line. Yeah. Let me give you the attention you don’t deserve.” Niceness is not rewarded. In college, who was the professor you respected the most? The strict one or the nice one? The strict one because they take your case, man. The nice teacher will be like, “Okay students, when you learn, I learn.” And you’re like, “This guy is weak, bro. He’s soft. Okay, Monday we’ll mass bunk. Let’s watch him cry. It’ll be awesome.” Niceness is not rewarded. I have a proposal. I have a proposal. We need to take the last remaining nice guys and we have to put them somewhere to protect them. We have to protect them because nice people can’t protect themselves. If nice people protect themselves, they become rude. If they are rude, they are not nice anymore. Shit, I figured this out. So what do we do? We have to build a dam. Build a nice dam, put all of them inside. Call it damn nice. Just put all of them inside that. Let’s protect them and only release them when it’s really important. Don’t worry, like no one will get out. Because they’ll be like, “How can we leave without saying bye?” So no one will leave. Everyone will stay inside, protected forever. And we can all be outside and be mean, “Hey dickhead!” Just do all that. It won’t affect them. They’ll be protected. It breaks my heart because recently I met the nicest guy ever. He was my Uber driver. Nicest Uber driver on the planet. I knew he was nice because this is how he answered the phone. “Hello!” Like his voice was so nice. That the sound waves that came out of his mouth apologised to air for using it as a medium. Yeah. His sound waves were like, “Sorry! Am I taking up air molecules? I just have to propagate, I’m sorry. Cosmic rays? Bye, okay. Gamma say hi. Okay. If I’m troubling you, I’ll just reflect off the wall and go into the universe. It’s fine. I won’t come back. Bye!” That’s how nice he was. I’m like, “Sir, where are you?” He’s like… “You know what? I’ll come to where you are.” So I went to where he was. I sat inside his car, he starts doing this. He looks at me and he’s like. He starts pulling his chair forward. “Customer satisfaction is number one.” If it was up to him, he would’ve sat on the windshield and driven like this. He’s too nice. Broke my heart. We’re driving and it’s a fifteen minute journey. Okay. And here’s the thing. Nice people can’t ignore phone calls. Okay. They can’t ignore your phone ringing also. So I am sitting in the cab. And I’m like let me start a conversation with this guy. I’m like, “Hey! What’s your name?” “Sir! Gopal, sir.” Because he thought if he looks at the mirror, the mirror will reflect to my eyes and it might burn me. So he looks down. “Yes sir. My name is Gopal.” I’m like, “So, how did you get into this?” “It’s my sister’s wedding. So I had to make some money and nicely it went. My sister’s wedding.” I’m like, “So nice.” And my phone starts ringing. *Phone ringing* And Gopal is like… *Phone ringing* “Gopal, you were telling me about your sister.” “No sir, your phone’s ringing.” *Phone ringing* “Gopal, it’s fine. Just talk to me.” *Phone ringing* “What if it’s important, sir?” “Gopal, we are talking. That’s important.” *Phone ringing* “There are only three rings left. I counted.” “It’s okay, Gopal.” “What if someone’s dying, sir?” *Phone ringing* I’m like, “Gopal. If someone was dying and the last person they call is me. They deserve to die.” What is so important that as they are dying they’re like, “Bro! Can you just tell me that middle class restaurant joke…” It’s a self referential joke. As he was driving, his phone rings. Because Uber has this new thing where right before you end your trip, the next customer can call you because there isn’t enough pressure in life already, right. So as he is driving, his phone rings. Nice people can’t ignore phone calls. He immediately picks up the phone and an auto-rickshaw hits us from the back. It hits us from the back. And Uber doesn’t cover that cost. It’s his money, he has to cover it. And this is how this man reacts to an auto hitting his life savings. I’m like at least get angry, bro. You deserve that emotion. Then he turns to me and he’s like, “Sir, an auto hit us sir. So I have to go out.” I’m like, “Thank you for keeping me in loop… of a situation I am already part of. So sweet you are. I know, go out.” “Sir, if you don’t mind I’ll go outside and handle it.” “You will handle it? You will handle it? You nice person.” Nice people can’t get into traffic arguments. You can’t because when you could get into traffic arguments, you have to channel your inner demon like… Like the minimum decibel level to take part in the traffic argu- “HEY MOTHERF-” That’s the minimum decibel I know. That’s how you say hi. Is just like… good evening. So this guy was going to handle this. He opens the door, he gets out. I’m not kidding, this is true. The moment he steps out, it starts raining. Because the universe is like, “Hmm! How can I make this more depressing? What filter should I put? Sepia? No. Sepia is too cliché. Hmm, rain and despair? Perfect. Crop.” So, he enters… It’s raining, he is arguing with the auto driver and I don’t know what’s happening? I’m sitting inside and then he enters the car, he is completely drenched. And he’s like, “Sir, okay! We can go now.” I’m like, I don’t know what he did. Maybe he sold his house. As a sign of apology for just existing. Then we were driving and he is drenched, right. So he starts shivering. He turns to me and he’s like. “Sir, if you don’t mind, can I switch off the AC?” My tears had tears. It’s so sad. I got off the car, I opened his door. Picked him up and put him in my arms. Put him on his bed. Put his bedsheet. And I built a dam around him. First customer, guys. First customer. Thank you. Can I play some music for you guys? Can you guys keep clapping till I get the guitar on stage? Hey guys. I have a guitar. And I have to talk in this sexy voice. I can’t be like, “Hello, today I will sing song for everybody, for the faculty members and the judges.” You got to be like, “Hey! It’s going to be alright. Because I have a guitar.” You could just sing anything, it doesn’t matter. ♫ I have a guitar ♫ ♫ It’s right next to me ♫ ♫ Right next to me ♫ ♫ I have a guitar ♫ ♫ That’s how it works ♫ ♫ Because technically, ♫ ♫ without it it’s air-guitar ♫ I don’t even need words, I could just use vowels. ‘O’ is a great vowel for guitar songs. ♫ Oooooo! ♫ ♫ Oooooo! ♫ ♫ O! ♫ ♫ O! ♫ ♫ A-I-O-U! ♫ ♫ But I love you. ♫ No I don’t. That’s the lyrics. Please don’t. I’m sorry, it’s fine because the guitar does that to you, you believe… You believe. How many of you guys can play the guitar? How many of you guys can play the guitar? Yeah? How many guys can’t play the guitar? Give me a cheer. You guys are going to be super impressed. You’ll be like, “How is he touching and sound is coming? How?” It’s magic. It’s magic. I have a request for the few people who play guitar, just one request. Can you guys be sad? It’s a layered instrument. Please, have you seen happy guitarists? You know how annoying they are? Have you seen them? Please don’t do that. It’s damn annoying. Super annoying. Why are you so happy? Everyone is giving you attention already, right? The only reason you should be happy is when you are playing tabla because your life is screwed anyway. “Tagda doom. I’m never going to get laid. Diga doom doom. Eight years I took to learn this shit. Diga doom. Come do a musical face off, no one will touch me anyway. Diga doom doom doom.” It is so sad. They make them play on the floor, dude. At least bro, give us something. “Yeah here is one bed sheet, chill.” One cushion? “Yeah yeah. One cushion for the tabla, not for you.” You have a guitar, it’s just like… It’s awesome. The next thing I’m going to do, I’m going to make an indie love song for you guys. Because that’s the ultimate. No one can escape that. Men, women, small puppies. Oh, they die literally. Sing a love song to a puppy, they will explode. Two things which are incredible, meet. I’ll stop now. So basically, an indie love song is in right now. Indie is independent music, anything that is not mainstream is indie. Yeah? Independent, mainstream? It’s damn convenient for independent musicians, they’re like… They hit a drum and they’re like, “It’s art. Oh, you don’t like it? That means you like mainstream? That means you’re a horrible person, bro.” It’s damn convenient. It’s damn convenient. So I am going to make an indie love song but you need two things. You need to be poetically negative and you have to be abstract. Poetically negative is when you just make happy things sad. “Hey Kenny, you want to go for lunch?” “You know there is emptiness, right?” “Bro, I just asked for lunch, bro.” “Hey Kenny, look at this puppy. It’s so cute, no? It’s happy.” “Does it know that life will come to an eventual end?” “It’s just a puppy, dude.” That’s how you become negatively… poetically negative. It’s a tough word. Next you have to be abstract. How to be abstract, you just talk about stuff that no one has any idea. I am listening but I have no idea what he is talking about. But it’s great. Even the musician has no idea what he is talking about. So I am going to make a love song, can’t be conventional. It can’t be about a boy or a girl. It’s going to be about… This water bottle. Did you even notice this water bottle? Don’t lie. You were looking at me, you selfish. This is serving me, hydrating me. Did anyone say thank you to it? No. Your friends ask for water, you put it in their mouth. Seven other people ask, seven mouths it goes into. Did you ask for consent? Did you ask for consent? No. No one gives a shit. It serves you. After you’re done with it, after it provides you with life nourishing water… What do you do? You throw it on the ground. And kids come and they’re crushing it like, “Yaay! I love the crushing sound.” It’s the sound of it dying, bro! I am sorry, I get very emotional. This song is for the water bottle, the ultimate nice guy. [Audience member] Woah! Yeah, it’s all connected man. The universe. You, plants, spinal cord, have you seen that shit? It’s crazy. So this love song is for the water bottle. So can we all clap like we’re in a concert, yeah? Let’s do this. But let’s be sad also. ♫ I am sitting on a train ♫ Because trains are sad. They are because they take a long time to reach anywhere. You can carry anything, they don’t care. “Sir, it’s a nuclear bomb.” “Can you please hurry up? There is a line behind.” Sorry. In a plane, “Sir, it’s a power bank.” “He is a terrorist, arrest him.” Trains are like, “Sir, your nuclear warhead is hitting my leg from that time. Can you move it? Who uses uranium nowadays.” ♫ I am sitting on a train ♫ ♫ While I am sitting on a train ♫ ♫ I look out the window ♫ Windows are also sad. Nothing good happens when you sit next to a window. The love of your life leaves you. Your parents come back home early. “Seema, get out. My parents are here.” Not my maid. ♫ I’m sitting on a train ♫ ♫ I am sitting on a train ♫ ♫ I look out the window ♫ ♫ The trees look sad… ♫ Global warming. ♫ The clouds are albino ♫ ♫ Don’t you know how I long for you ♫ ♫ The humidity is easily 32 ♫ ♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫ ♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫ ♫ H2O in a plastic bottle ♫ ♫ There is happiness ♫ ♫ There is sorrow ♫ ♫ I look at you ♫ ♫ You look at me with elation ♫ ♫ I think you’re crying ♫ ♫ Or maybe it’s just condensation ♫ ♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫ ♫ Bottle, water bottle ♫ Want to make it more indie? Yeah? Guys, let’s put an alaap in this shit. Yeah, you gotta put an alaap, bro. Because most independent bands don’t sound Indian. “Hey, it’s an American band.” “No, it’s Indian.” So you got to put an alaap in this. There is reservation here also. Just put an alaap. Just ask your watchman to do it. ♫ Aaaaaa ♫ ♫ Aaaaaa ♫ ♫ Night… ♫ ♫ Morning… ♫ ♫ Evening… ♫ ♫ Early Afternoon… ♫ Do you want to make it more indie? I need audience participation up in this shit. You guys are an awesome audience, even you guys. Everybody. I need you guys because indie musicians, they don’t have money, they have audience. So in every… In every… In every… This is a joke, I like them. They’re sweet. You need audience participation. Every music concert, there will be this one part where the band is going to be like, “Okay guys, for this next song, we need the audience. Come on, let’s participate. Come on. I’ll give you a patronising countdown. One, two, three and random syllables. O-O-O-O! We don’t trust you.” No, I will try to do something better. I’ll give you a word, I’ll give you ‘hey’. It’s a big responsibility, I know. I will say one, two, three but I am not patronising you. Sometimes the audience is little too confident. I’m like, one, two, three… “Hey bro, we got it. We’re chill kinda crowd, bro. Chill kinda crowd.” I know you guys can do it. We’ll do it together, you have to say ‘hey’. At the count of three. One, two, three. Hey! Hey! Hey! [Audience] Hey! [Audience] Hey! [Audience] Hey! [Audience] Hey! You guys are good. You guys are good, yeah. Guys, do you want to make it more indie? I don’t think you can handle it. It’s the ultimate hipster level. There’s no coming back. This part is where you take a famous speech from history and you put a radio filter on it. Because radio filters make everything awesome. The speech from history has nothing to do with the song. It’s just cool. Take a famous speech, but you guys have to still say ‘hey’. I’ll do the speech, you guys do ‘hey’. Can we do this together? As one family, that never meets. Yeah? Okay, one, two, three. Hey! [Audience] Hey! [Audience] Hey! [Audience] Hey! [Audience] Hey! At the midnight hour As the world sleeps India will awaken, awaken, awaken… Then you take away everything and you bring back the sadness. ♫ I am sitting on a train ♫ ♫ I look out the window ♫ True indie songs, they stop mid-sentence. ♫ The trees look sad ♫ ♫ The cloud-♫ Thank you so much, I am Kenny Sebastian. You’ve been a lovely audience. I am done for tonight. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me. Because the last audience didn’t stand up.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RAMY YOUSSEF: FEELINGS (2019) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-feelings-transcript/

Welcome to the meeting. Are you Mohammed? No, ’cause this dude texted me, and he was like, “Yo, can I…” He hit me up. He was like, “Oh, can I get a ticket to your show?” And I didn’t have his number saved. And I was like, “Just tell me your name. I’ll put you on the list.” And he just wrote back, “Mohammed,” and… And I was like, “Yeah, man. I’m sure it’ll be there when you get here, yeah.” “Yeah, I’ll put it on the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. “Just Mohammed plus one. “There’s no way anyone else takes it… …before you come.” So I hope you’re here. I… I’ve been thinking a lot about how we know what we know and how that affects the way we treat each other. And I feel like, as a Muslim, so much of my life has been defined by all these things that I have no control over. Which is why I don’t believe anything that I see in the news. I can’t really believe the police, can’t believe institutions. All that being said… Jussie Smollett was definitely lying. Like, he fucking lied. Like, he’s… That shit did not happen. And if you don’t know what happened with Jussie, just a little refresher: in an era where hate crimes are happening all the time, it seems like he made one up. He said he was beat up by two Trumps… …but it turned out to be two Obamas. Big plot twist. And… I feel bad for him. I don’t know if anybody else does, but I feel bad for this dude. Like, I think about the facts of his life. He’s black in America. On top of that, he’s gay. On top of that, he’s on Empire. It’s a terrible show. I mean it’s like… and if you know anything about show business, those contracts, that’s… that’s slavery, and… He… I think he got in his head. You know, I think we create our own realities, and I think that violence happening to someone like him is a very real thing. And he convinced himself, one day, this shit is gonna happen to me. So he was like, you know, “Let me just… get ahead of it.” You know what I mean? Like, you ever been in a relationship, and you’re like, “Aw, man, she’s gonna break up with me. I gotta do it first.” Right? I think what he did was… You know, I mean, it was nothing like that, but he… I got nothing. I can’t defend him. I really can’t. I just… I wish he had made it about something bigger than himself. I think that’s why you get into a situation like this. You’re just in your head, you’re only thinking about yourself. But he had the whole world looking at him. I wish people would just do something with that moment. Like, if I were him, I would’ve made it seem like it was my plan the whole time. Like, the second I got caught, I would’ve called a press conference and been like, “Okay. Now that I have your attention…” “The icecaps are melting.” “This isn’t even Chicago. It’s stolen Navajo land. Like, are we gonna talk about the crimes of this country?” Instead, he was like, “I want more money on Empire.” And it… I think… it doesn’t matter if he was lying or not. I just think we’re being really hard on him. ‘Cause there’s something about what he did that I could see doing. There’s just this small thing, because we all lie. We’re all afraid to be who we actually are, and we tell these little lies every day to just get by. And there’s something about the seed of what he did that I’m like, yeah, it’s not crazy. It’s not like he’s a serial killer or something. He just did the thing we all do. And we love seeing liars get caught. It’s why there’s two documentaries about Fyre Fest. Like, we… are obsessed. ‘Cause we’ve all had our own Fyre Fest. We’ve all told somebody this weekend is going to be amazing. And all we had was a shitty cheese plate. So we are all Jussie Smollett. Je suis Smollett. That’s how it’s pronounced. I’m not gonna let them do this, man. They put up his mugshot next to R. Kelly‘s, and they were like, “We got him!” Like it’s the same thing. That R. Kelly shit was horrifying. I watched it, watched the documentary. The women were crying, I was crying. And then they were like, “At this point, he recorded ‘Ignition.'” And then they played “Ignition,” and I was like, “Fuck, that song is so good!” Like, it’s so good! Like, the beat is so good. The second I heard the beat, I was like, “Are we gonna hear his side of things? Like, he…” “Really? He doesn’t get to talk?” And I know he did it. It’s just that distrust, man. ‘Cause I’m just so used to seeing stories get spun. You see it all the time. Some random crime will happen, a day later they’ll be like, “And he recently converted to Islam.” They’ll just, like, throw it in there. That’s why I had to watch the whole R. Kelly doc. You know? I was just waiting for them to find the Quran. It’s like I know it’s gonna happen. Episode six, you’re gonna go in the booth. You think he’s singing a song, but he’s like, “Allahu Akbar.” And you’re like, “Oh my God.” That would be devastating to the Muslim community. R. Kelly doing the call to prayer? ‘Cause it would be the most beautiful call to prayer… …that we’d ever heard. He made people believe they could fly. Like, he would… …make you believe in Islam, like, without a doubt. Without a doubt. It’s the music. It makes you forget. Music can do crazy shit. It’s how Michael got away with it. I got so mad at the moms in the Michael Jackson thing, ’cause they know their kid is sleeping next to Michael Jackson. Like a baseline fact. Like, Arabs would never let that shit happen. We’d be like, “We don’t even let sleepovers happen between kids,” like… “Not allowed.” These parents knew. And I got so mad, but then I realized, okay, I don’t know the Michael Jackson that they knew. Like, I’m younger, I only know white Michael. Right? Like, the Michael I grew up with, it’s like, “No, we’re not hanging out.” “I don’t know what you are, I don’t know what’s happening. Audio only.” “I can’t deal with that.” But they grew up with the most famous person on Earth. There’s so much power in that. I gotta think about that. I’m like, man, what if the most famous person to me wanted to hang out with my kid? Could I say no? Like, would I let my son sleep next to LeBron James? I don’t know. If LeBron was like, “Nah, man, we’re just… dribbling and… and…” “I’m teaching him how to shoot, “and, you know, there’s a little bed by the court. “And sometimes we just crash out. “And when he sleeps next to me, I feel like I could beat the Warriors.” That would hit me hard. That would hit me hard because I’d just be like, “Fuck, I… I hate the Warriors.” “That super-team was so unfair. Like, you really think you could beat them?” And LeBron would be like, “I know I could… if he’s by my side.” I’d be like, “Oh, man…” “All right, get in there, Omar.” Like… Like, just to make the league more fair, like, I would just… I would have to. I would have to. Now it looks really weird. Like, Neverland Ranch? What? He built a theme park? How did they not see it? But at the time those moms were just like, “Oh shit, no lines.” Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a mom? You’re like, “All right, one thing could be easier.” It doesn’t seem weird when it’s happening. Like, LeBron just built a school for kids in Ohio. It’s called I Promise. And we’re all like, “Wow, that’s amazing!” But within a couple years… we’re all gonna be like, “Fuck. What did he make those kids promise?” No, I think LeBron’s a good dude, but… also, you heard it here first, and… I don’t know what I would do with my son, I really don’t. ‘Cause I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about sex at all. Like, there’s Muslims here. Do you guys talk about sex with your family? – No. – No. Whoa, yeah, right? Still haven’t. I know. We had a sex talk. I say “we” because my sister and I had it at the same exact time. Like my dad just wanted to get it out of the way. Like, really quick. Just sat us down. He was just like, “Girls, no boys. Boys, no boys.”… Like, that’s the talk. There’s no, like, “This is what you do. This is how you meet somebody.” Nothing, nothing. I was so confused. But I’m starting to feel like we’re all really confused about sex. Like, as a country, I don’t think we really know what it is. Right? You can see it. Like, these stories happen, no one has any idea how to react. Something will happen, it hits the news, Half the country is like, “That’s assault.” The other half is like, “That’s how we met. Fuck.” “Fuck, you can’t do that? We told the kids that. That’s our story.” And then a bunch of dudes are like, “Can we even hug anymore?” And it’s like, “Well, not you.” “No, you’re on a list.” Like, I don’t know where hugs came from, from that. I, personally, I believe all the women, all the women who’ve come forward who say that something happened. I don’t think they have any reason to lie. They don’t get famous, I don’t know any of their names. The other reason I believe them is men. Like, we’re not good. We’re really not. Like, maybe some of us were raised a little better, or maybe some of us are just busier, but… Like, on a baseline level, we’re not good. We can sexualize any situation, any situation. I realized this when the Weinstein stuff first happened. I was talking to a friend of mine. She was like, “All this non-consensual stuff, “it’s been going on for so long, but at least, now, everybody’s talking about it.” And I was like, “Yeah, we gotta talk about it. “Let’s talk about it. Do you wanna, like…” “I don’t know, come over later and maybe we could talk about it? “You know, because I don’t know, “I feel like if we have consensual sex, that’s how we fight back.” “Because change happens on a local level, and like that’s…” “Like, if we fuck, Trump gets mad, and…” It’s… it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting, we never stop. Like, none of the details of it… Like, people were like, “Oh, how could Harvey jerk off into a plant?” And every dude is like, “Well, what kind of plant?” I mean, it’s… If it’s not one of the spiky ones, like, I… Maybe. I’m trying to stop all the creepy behavior, all the little things, even things that don’t seem weird. Like, I’m not liking any women’s posts online after 10 p.m. That’s aggressive. No, really, like you’re liking a woman’s photo at three in the morning. It’s not about the photo. It’s about something else. It’s not right. You’re not suddenly into her trip to Mexico. Like, I don’t… I’m not part of it anymore, seriously. Like, if I see something I like late at night, I do the right thing. I save the link, I go back in the morning. All right, 10 a.m., that’s a real like. That’s just like, “Hey, this is good content. Thank you.” “Keep posting.” It’s the energy I wanna put out there, you know? Sometimes I, I just… wish I’d never had sex. Anyone ever feel like that? Like… I didn’t, I didn’t think I was gonna have sex until I got married. That was… that was my plan. I think about my life before I did, I was so happy. I was so happy. Like, I… I loved everything, I loved every movie. If there was a movie on, I was just like, “Look at that, they did it.” Just, like, happy for the production. Then I had sex, and I was just like, “Aw, man, the fucking cinematographer sucks.” “The plot made no sense.” Like, once you have sex, you care about plot, and it’s so… All of a sudden you, like, hate Christopher Nolan, and it’s like, no… you hate yourself. ‘Cause you know everything’s so complicated. And I wanted to wait, I really did. Because, look, I believe in God. Like, God God. And I know how weird it sounds because it’s such a crazy thing. It sounds nuts because you say, “I believe in God,” and then there’s like, “Well, and here’s who I hate.” There’s always this, like, list that it comes with. The statement means a lot. It’s loaded. It’s like, we all live in America, but you ever hear the person who’s like, “I love America”? Then you’re like, “Oh fuck.” He has a gun. I think he says the ‘N’ word, definitely in traffic. There’s no way this dude doesn’t. That’s how I feel like when I say it, because I know it’s crazy. Because it’s always like, well, this is what I think, but this whole thing that it comes with that I’m not part of. And I get it, you know, and I don’t feel like it has to come with this whole list of negative shit. It’s not like, okay, I believe in God, that means we have to hate gay people. I’ve always accepted gay people. I remember the moment that I really understood them. Like, I knew what they were going through, I knew how they felt. I’ll never forget this. I was… I was watching this porn, and… …and, look, it wasn’t one of those nasty porns where they’re like, “Get in the van,” or whatever, like… No, seriously, like, it was super organic. Like, I think they’re in love. I really… I only watch if I think they’re in love, because I believe in God, and I would… Seriously, I… And I’ll never forget this. I’m watching this porn, and everything is going great. Woman takes off her clothes, she looks awesome. She goes over to the dude, she pulls down his pants. The second I saw this dude’s dick, I clicked out of the video, ’cause it was too weird. And in that moment it hit me. I was like, “Oh, shit. There’s a type of dick I don’t like.” Yeah, that means there’s a type of dick I do like. Like, I didn’t even think I liked dick. The second I saw this dude’s dick I was like, “What the fuck is this shit?” “Where’s the one I’m used to,” you know? You’re like, all of a sudden, I was getting picky? So yeah, there’s a group of people who have a stronger opinion. Can’t stop anyone’s preference. Because we all have our things that we bring to it, you know? Like, I have my stuff with… Like, I… Man, sex, it’s an intimate thing. And I’ve never had sex without a condom. Like, I just… I can’t do it. It’s too much. – Anybody else? – Woo! Really? Is everyone just raw-dogging it all the time? You guys aren’t worried about, like, kids, STDs? Like, I don’t even know which is worse. It’s so… That skin to skin is so much responsibility, seriously. Like, I slipped in once without a condom for a second. It felt so good, but… the second I slipped in, I had a fucking mortgage. Like, my son needed braces. And we got him the braces. And he wore them, and they cost all this money, but then he wouldn’t wear his retainer. And I was like, “Come on, buddy. Just put the retainer on. We already did all this work.” And he was like, “No, fuck you, Dad.” “Fuck you, I’m going to LeBron’s.” Fuck. It happens so quick. Honestly, that’s why I really think sex feels better with a condom. I really do. Like, not… Dude, I know, but not in the moment, but it feels better on Monday. You know, Monday when you’re just walking around with, like, no kids, no STDs. You’re just raw-dogging life. Like, everything feels good. You’re like, “Oh, how could I have a kid? I was wearing a condom. I couldn’t even cum.” Like, there’s no… Scientifically, it’s not possible. That’s… that’s how condoms work. You just give up. I think about the consequences that I don’t have to face. Right? Because let’s say you’re having sex with somebody and someone gets pregnant. It’s usually the woman. For now, right? Like, that’s… She’s gotta deal with everything. Like, as a dude, I’m pro-choice, but what’s my choice? My choice is like, “Hey, I’ll be there for you,” or, “No… Ew.” Like, that’s it. Women have to deal with everything. Like crazy spiritual questions, like when does life begin? Like, fuck, I don’t even know if my life has begun. And you gotta answer that? And everyone’s so sure. It’s, like, political. One side is like, “Life starts in the womb.” The other side is like, “No, life really starts when you have your own Netflix password.” “Until then, you’re just placenta without a job, so, figure it out.” I don’t know how anyone chooses, I really don’t. I will say, and I’ve thought about this a lot, I do think that everyone should always seriously consider having an abortion, because I feel like it motivates the fetus. I’m telling you, they can feel it in there. They’re like, “Wait, what, you don’t want me? No, but I got an idea for a tech company.” “I got, like, three apps. One of them is gonna work.” Like, they come out motivated. Like, they just know. Like, every CEO, I know some of you don’t agree with this, but every CEO, look at an interview with them. They’ll be like, “Yeah, my dad left, my mom wasn’t sure, then we got the iPhone.” They can feel that there’s just that tough love there. I wish my parents wanted me less. I really do. I would be, like, six inches taller. It’s science, it really… Look at the NBA, right? No dads. No, I’m telling you, I think those dads knew. I don’t think it’s sad. I think their wives are like, “Why are you leaving?” And they’re like, “This is the price of a championship.” “Do you want him to play in Europe? I don’t know what to tell you.” You think LeBron goes to the finals seven years in a row if his dad loves him? No, all the greats, man. Jesus, no dad. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, no dad. Moses was in a basket, man, in the… …in the sea. He got so pissed that he parted the sea. Like, he… he had to get his revenge. That’s the energy. You don’t need a dad, you just need a mom and a coach who believes in you. And you… Just that coach that sees you in high school, and you’ll make millions. No, I love my dad, though. I really do. My dad is an amazing human being. He… just a hard worker. Just that thing you think about with just anyone who comes to this country, that’s my dad. Can do anything. Not just at work, comes home, he can cook, he can clean, fix the toilet, fix the car. He learned all these jobs just so he’d never have to pay another man. His nightmare would be to hand cash… …to another man and look him in the eye. And he started working as a busboy, and in ten years, he became the manager of a hotel. And that hotel was in New York City, and it was owned by Donald Trump. So I grew up with this photo in my living room of my dad and Donald Trump shaking hands. I saw it every day as a kid. And when you’re a young Arab kid, anyone who’s friends with your dad, like, that’s your uncle. And the last couple years, I’m watching TV, and I’m just like, “Uncle Donald?” “Really? Fuck.” And I get it. I get why people voted for him. Like, I get the vote. You know, there’s like something about him. There’s just like something about the way that he is. Look, I don’t think he’s a good person, but I actually just don’t think that he’s a person. You know what I mean? Sometimes someone will be like, “How could a person do that?” Here’s the thing, I don’t think he is one. Like, Donald Trump is a… a feeling. He’s like an emotion, you know? Like, sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re sad, and sometimes you’re just fucking… Trump. You know that feeling? You’re in an argument with somebody, and you’re like, “Aah, I wanna win but I don’t have the facts.” “Aah, man!” Like when your phone dies at 2 p.m. Two p.m…. your $600 iPhone can’t even make it through the day, and it’s just sitting hot in your palm. And you’re just like, “You know what, man? Fuck China.” You don’t even care if the phone’s made in Japan. You’re like the whole thing, “We’re going to war.” Then you plug your phone back in, and you’re not Trump anymore. He’s not a man, he’s a mood. And it’s crazy because people are like, “Oh, we can’t elect a woman. She could get her period.” But we elected a period. That’s… That’s what’s happening right now. That’s why men are so confused. Men are like, “What’s going on?” Women are like, “Yeah, no, we know about this. Yeah.” “This happens all the time.” ‘Cause the truth is, I think Trump is a good representative. Not that he’s good at his job, but I think he represents us. We have a sex problem, he has a sex problem. He’s racist, we’re racist. I have my racism that I’ve gotta face. For a while I thought, “No, how could I be? Hate comes my way, I’m Muslim.” But then you think about it, and you’re like, “Oh, no,” “I have really prejudiced thoughts. There are things I think that are wrong.” Like, I get really upset every time I get a white Uber driver. Devastated. Like, I look down on my phone, I see the little white face, And I’m just like, “Fuck. I’m… I’m gonna be late.” “He’s gonna stop at every stop sign. He’s gonna make me listen to his fucking band.” I’m like, “Scott, what the fuck?” Like, I get so angry. Like, I want one of my people, right? I want an Omar, I want a Mohammed. I want somebody who’s running from their country. That’s Uber. Uber’s like, “Quick, get in. “We don’t have the paperwork. We gotta go, dude. “We gotta fucking go. We don’t have time.” From the second I get in the car to when we arrive, I wanna hear somebody talk to their whole family. Like, that… That makes me feel safe. That’s like an emotional seatbelt. I’m like, “Okay, cool. He called his cousin.” “We’re gonna get there.” I don’t want someone to be like, “Dude, my Etsy.” It’s like, “Fuck.” That’s racist. It’s something. I think the president’s probably worse… You know, the stuff that’s happening at the border, it’s almost impossible to talk about. Dreamers? You guys know about Dreamers? It’s crazy because he builds his businesses off of immigrants, off of people like my dad. Immigrants are a huge part of his life, but he won’t let them stay. He won’t make it official. And if I’m being self-reflective, I mean, I’ve been racist in a small, similar way. I date white women. They’re a huge part of my life. But I would never make it official. Like, with my Muslim parents, like…? You know what I’m talking about. Like, with my Muslim parents? Like, I was dating this girl, and she was like, “Ramy, I’d love to meet your mom.” And I was like, “Whoa, Kelly. “You’re a dreamer, this is…” “This is a temporary program. “I just don’t have the paperwork for you to meet my mom. “They probably won’t even let you on EgyptAir.” That’s fucked up. I know it is. ‘Cause I met her mom, and her mom came to visit town. Her mom’s from Texas. Like, Texas Texas, not South-by… Like, gun. Small town. Like, you know those small towns where, like, only two people eat sushi? Like, you say sushi, and they’re like, “Oh yeah, Gary loves sushi.” Like they know the guy? And they’re like, “Why does it cost so much? They don’t cook it.” Like, they don’t… They don’t get anything about quality fish. We spent the whole day together. We’re sitting at dinner, Kelly gets up to go to the bathroom, it’s just me and her mom. And her mom goes, “Ramy, I have to tell you something. “Before I met you, I was afraid. “The only Muslims I’d ever seen were on the news. “I didn’t know what would happen between you and my daughter. “But now that we spent this whole day together, I just wanna tell you, I was wrong and I’m sorry.” And it was a really beautiful moment, but… the only thing I wanted to do was break up with her daughter. Because it made me realize something about myself. Because I was like, “Man, this woman hated Muslims, and then she spent just a couple of hours with me and completely changed her mind.” Like, if I had that kind of power, I have a responsibility to sleep with as many white women as possible. I understand if you think it’s disgusting, but this is the best plan the Democrats have. There’s no candidate. And I know there’s a lot of Muslims here, and I’m doing this for you. This isn’t easy for me. I had to learn how to ski. Like, it’s… It’s nuts. These people do crazy sports because they know they should die. And it’s really… No, no. Nah, white people are doing good. Really, no, like, I really like where white guilt is at right now. Right? You can feel it. They’re like… they know. But I think there’s room to get even guiltier. You know what I mean? Like, I was watching one of those drug recall commercials. You know where they’re like, “Hey, if you took this drug in the last few years, we might owe you some money. It’s harmful.” It’s like, fuck, man, I want white guilt to get to the point where my life gets recalled. You know, like, turn on the TV in a couple years, see a guy in a suit, and he’s just like, “Hi, “were you Muslim between 2001 and 2025? If so, we may owe you a huge cash settlement.” “Were you black ever?” “Even now, in the future?” The questions… the questions that happen when people who haven’t met each other, it’s amazing. These white mo… There’s really something to it. Because they’ll find out I’m Muslim. The second they find out, crazy question. Why do you make them wear that? I’m like, “Who?” This woman goes, “I was in the Middle East. “It was so hot. It was 100 degrees out, “and this woman had to wear a scarf and she was sweating. Why do you make her wear that?” I was like, “All right, first of all, “you were in the Middle East. It wasn’t 100 degrees because they use Celsius.” “Maybe it was 30. If it was 100, you would’ve melted.” The other thing is, just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean it’s oppressive. If you step outside of even your own culture, things might look weird. Like, I realized this, you know? I was on a date in New York in January. It was seven degrees… Fahrenheit. The woman I was with was wearing a really short dress. You know, she wanted to look nice. And we got out of the car, we were like two blocks away. And she was like, “What? It’s all the way over there?” And I’m like, “Yeah, come on. Hurry, quick.” And she’s, like, shivering, but she can’t really move that fast because her heels are slowing her down. I just look in her eyes, and I see this look of panic. And she’s so cold. The only thing I could think was like, “Fuck. Why do they make her wear that?” No, like, and her… Her hair got all fucked up from the wind. It took her, like, an hour to do. I was like, “You should’ve just worn a scarf. Like, it would’ve been…” “…so much easier.” You know what I mean? Just… Let’s just move on with this thing. But people are afraid of it, because they don’t know. And I don’t blame them, because I… I don’t know how anybody knows what they know… if all you’re watching is the news, yeah. I remember I realized how fucked up it was that they were just telling us how to feel. It was with Dennis Hastert. – You guys remember him? – Yep. Couple people. Longest-serving Republican Speaker of the House. He touched kids, nobody knows. Because the news didn’t cover it. But Jared from Subway… Every reporter in the country for years was like, “Did he feed them the sandwiches?” “Tonight at 10.” It’s just proof. It’s just proof that the media is fucking run by Quiznos. Like, the… You see it now, right? Like, it’s… They’ve been doing it forever. They’ve been doing it forever. And that’s how bad thing happen. Like this dude in New Zealand. You think he wasn’t just watching this stuff on loop? A mosque got shot up, and I think about that because I go to the mosque. I go every Friday. And it’s always a weird thing when I tell people I actually go to the mosque to pray. Nobody wants you to be that Muslim. Everyone just wants you to have, like, a good hummus recipe. Like, they wanna know about baba ghanoush, not Allah. Like, they’re like, “Let’s just keep it there.” I would tell people, you know, “I’m going to the mosque,” whatever, and they think it’s weird. It’s changed since this thing happened. Now, it’s like… kind of badass to go to the mosque. I’ll tell you how I realized, man. It’s like, dude, I was texting this girl, and she was like, “You wanna get lunch on Friday?” And I was like, “No, I’m going to the mosque. Friday prayers.” She goes, “Oh my God.” “Like New Zealand?” “Are you gonna be okay?” And I was like, “I mean, you know, I don’t know.” “I don’t know. Anything could happen.” She was like, “Are you sure you gotta go? Why?” I was like, “I do it for God.” She thought that was so hot. I rolled into the mosque with my boys like, “Yo man, what the fuck?” Anything could happen. We were like rappers, dude. We felt so dope going in, pounding each other. We got this. Because that stuff’s not even the hard part about Friday prayers. Friday prayers aren’t tough because violence could happen. They’re tough because it’s Friday. Like, praying is… Whatever you do, if you pray, meditate, you do it so you can cleanse, so you can reset. That… Friday in the middle of the day is… the worst time to do that. Because there’s Friday prayers and then there’s Friday nights. I’ll be at Friday prayers, I’m listening to the imam. I’m like, “Yo, this is me, man.” I go out Friday, I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’m like, “No, this is me. I think, this is…” “This is, wow!” To pray on Friday? It’s like getting your car washed before a hurricane. Like, you know what the weather is gonna be. You’re like, “No, I’m gonna spend $50 and detail the whole thing.” Why? Because we have to. It’s just so much easier to be Christian. Sunday? Man, that’s the day. You fuck up the whole weekend, and then you’re just like, “God, I don’t know what that was.” “Just make me new.” Friday, we’re like… We’re at mosque, we’re like, “Hey, look, this might not count. “Just make me sick. Just knock me out. Do something so I can stay home and not be a piece of shit.” I started praying when I was a kid. My parents didn’t even force me to. It was what I wanted. My parents never forced religion on me, they only forced love. Like, my mom loves me so much, and I love her. I really love… I mean, she’s an amazing mom, amazing person. But the love I feel for her, I don’t know if it was my choice. It’s that Arab mom love, you know? It’s like, is this violence? Like I don’t know what… …what’s happening right now. Or it’s like, “I think this is a lot.” She’s like, “No, this is love.” “Are you sure?” She’s like, “Yeah,” and I’m like, “Okay, I love you, too.” My mom was so worried about me as a kid. Like, there was something about the way I looked as a kid… maybe even the way I look now… that makes me seem abductable. Like, my mom was convinced I was gonna be taken. Like, she watched the movie Taken like couples watch The Notebook. She’s like, “Yeah, this is my movie, this is my story.” And this is… this is… This is the crazy part of it. All my friends were getting cell phones. So I told my mom, I was like, “Hey, why don’t you just get me a phone? Then you know where I am.” And my mom was really paranoid, but she was also really cheap. So instead of buying me a cell phone, she bought me a four-mile radius walkie-talkie… …that I had to carry with me everywhere that I went. I had to charge it every night, like the whole thing. And I remember at first everyone was like, “Ah, man, Ramy’s got a walkie-talkie! What’s the range on that thing? How far does it go?” And then 9-11 happened, and everyone was like, “Oh man, Ramy’s got a walkie-talkie.” “What’s the range on that thing? How far does it go?” And the name of the first World Trade Center bomber was Ramzi Yousef. And everybody thought we were related, including me. I was like, “Yeah, he might be part of the family. “I don’t know, everyone’s always late to dinner. Maybe.” “Maybe.” People started getting in my head, telling me I was a terrorist, all that shit. This kid convinced me I was related to Bin Laden. I would fight him. He’d be like, “You’re Middle Eastern.” And I’d be like, “No, man, I’m from Egypt.” “It’s in Africa. I’m black.” No, guys, I very much wasn’t black, and there’s no… there’s nothing more suspicious than just wearing a ton of Iverson jerseys and… …trying to blend in. Because he had the whole school convinced I was up to some shit. This kid, Will. No one would question him, because he was just like… he was that popular kid. But he wasn’t even popular because of his personality. It was just, like, infrastructure shit. His parents had a pool. It was like, fuck. I can’t fuck with in-ground pool cool. I’m done. He convinced everyone, because we were in Jersey, that Bin Laden was coming to the school. Everyone believed him. People were taking off Monday. It was like a three-day Bin Laden weekend. And everyone was scared. I’m thinking I’m related to him. They’re all like, “What are we gonna do?” I was like, “I don’t know. What are you guys gonna do?” “That’s my uncle.” I had some very prominent uncles as a kid. It was… It was a crazy time. I think my biggest victory as a kid was getting a dog. That’s hard with Arab parents. They don’t… But, man, I convinced my dad. I just wanted one so bad. Because I watched Air Bud, and I was like… You know what I mean? I knew I couldn’t play basketball, but I was like, he could. I got this dog. I loved him so much. He was my best friend, and he just died last year. That’s how long I had him. It’s amazing. And when he died, all this guilt started to set in. And I was like, “Was he really my best friend? Did I treat him the way I treat my human best friends?” Because I’ve never told my best friend, “Hey, man, “I’m gonna hook up with this girl tonight, so you can’t pee till tomorrow.” You ever do that to your boy? Like, you ever cut your best friend’s balls off? After taking him away from his mother forever? No, like, you ever invite a friend over and you’re like, “Oh man, thanks for coming over. You’re never going home again.” “We hang out forever now.” I started to feel so guilty. I went to this woman’s house. She had a Saint Bernard. And I’m looking at its huge, beautiful paw. I’m like, “Fuck, man, that paw is meant to climb mountains, but it’s digging into this Ikea pillow.” And I’m like, is the living room the natural habitat for the Saint Bernard? Like, was this dog meant to watch all of Gilmore Girls? Like, that’s barely meant for humans. I don’t… And she had him in a hoodie. Yeah, in a hoodie, and the hoodie said, “My dog’s a Democrat.” I was like, is he? And he was on the couch. She wanted us to sit on it, so she’s yelling at him to get off. He doesn’t understand, so she drags him and takes him into the kitchen and puts him behind one of those doggy gates. I’m like, fuck, you just put him behind a wall because he doesn’t understand English. You said you were Democrats. And then we like shit on cats, too. We’re like, oh, cats are mean, or whatever. I think they just see what we’ve done to dogs. They’re like, you see what happens when you’re nice? You get a fucking leash. That’s why the cats are always fighting in the alleyways. They’re like, you’re showing too much heart. You’re gonna fuck our whole race up. I would still get a dog, though, I really would. I would, I just… I can’t really control how I feel. That’s why I believe in God, because I don’t believe in my feelings. My feelings make no sense. Like I feel shit and I’m like, “I probably shouldn’t be feeling this.” Like… Maybe someone here has felt this. Like, you ever… You ever have that cousin growing up that you kind of have a vibe with? You know what I mean? You’re like, “Aw, man, she looks good.” But then you grow up and you’re like, “Oh, I’m over it,” or whatever. But… You ever not over it? I was in Egypt, I was at my cousin’s wedding, and I realized I was really jealous of the guy she was getting married to. And I had to step outside, and I was like, holy shit. Have I been in love with my cousin this whole time? Do you think it’s weird? It’s only weird if you don’t have a hot cousin. If you think it’s weird, you just have an ugly family. I’m sorry. That’s not an attack, but it’s just the second you have a hot cousin, that wall comes down so quick. You’re like, “Wait, what? It’s my mom’s brother’s…?” Like, it feels so far away. Why can’t we be with our cousins? Like, does anyone have a real reason? A real reason? What? Genetics? Genetic disaster? That’s propaganda. Seriously, I looked into it. I really did. The rate doubles. It does. It goes from 1.4% to 2.8% chance that something could happen. When did 2.8% ever stop you from doing fucking anything? Let alone love. I know there’s, like, seven billion people, and there’s all these apps and shit, but like, how do you think we got here? This was all built on cousins. Forever, like this whole idea that, like… Look, this is what happens with the genetics thing. If you get with your cousin, and then that kid gets with their cousin, then there’s problems. But as long as you don’t double-cousin, there’s literally no… …there’s no problem. Like, I know you’re still thinking about it, but you don’t have to. We’ve been brainwashed, man. This shit started in America. They said being with your cousin would fuck up the kids, because they didn’t want immigrant populations to grow. Isn’t that crazy? They didn’t want immigrant families to grow. That’s racist. That’s why I’m not upset about the Muslim ban and stuff. Like, I’m still thinking about the cousin ban. Like, this is… We’ve been kept from our own people. And it’s just so disappointing because I’m in this crowd of people who are, like, woke, or whatever, but you’re not, like… I saw some of you when I was saying some shit, and now you’re all like… I’m sharing a sexual feeling… …and you shut down. And I’ve stood up for everybody. I’ll stand up for the gay community, the trans community. That’s a group of people that doesn’t identify with the body they were born in. And I’m like, yeah, I get that, because I don’t identify as being her cousin. Gender is a construct, so is family. Like, all of this is just… It’s what we say it is. I’m just… We’re all so lonely, and I’m just saying love could be so much closer than you think. Seriously, this Thanksgiving, just really look around the table. You could have so much to be thankful for. You’ll be like, “Oh my God, you were there the whole time?” It’s so easy. There’s no in-laws, everybody’s just in. All right, be alone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. All right, I mean, I guess if we’re in weird thoughts… …I’ll share a weirder one… and then I’ll probably go. You ever think something that you don’t wanna think? Like, it’s just where your mind got to? You don’t know if it’s true, it’s just how you feel. So I was thinking that, in this weird way, 9-11 made me more Muslim. Because I was told it was my fault. I was told that the most horrible thing that I had ever seen happen, to this day, was because of who I was, where I came from, the language that I speak, and my faith. And I had to find out if that was true. So I looked into it, and I realized, not only was that not true, but this was something that I really wanted to be a part of my life. I started praying, I started fasting, I started doing all these things that I might not have done. Like, If 9-11 didn’t happen, I might’ve just been like, “Yeah, my dad’s from Egypt. Add the bacon.” But because it happened, all this fear happened, too, and it elected the dude that we have. And it’s not good. Like, even the people who voted for him are kinda like, “” You see them… it’s like when your friend’s drunk at a party, and someone’s like, “Is that your friend?” And you’re like, “No, I mean, you know… “We went to middle school together, but…” He’s dismantling the courts. No one knows what he’s gonna do next, even the people in his own party. He’s making us weak. But the way I feel about how I believe and my faith, that’s how all my friends are. And so it’s like, Islam is stronger, and America is weaker all because of this one thing. And so the thought I had was… did 9-11 work? I know, but… But… Now that I have your attention… The ice caps are melting, like, I… It’s not good. We gotta figure it out. We really gotta figure it out.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Gethard: Career Suicide (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-gethard-career-suicide-transcript/

♪ I hate my brain ♪ ♪ Because the things I think sometimes ♪ ♪ Are so judgmental and lame ♪ ♪ I’ve got everything that I want ♪ ♪ Except my set of expectations ♪ ♪ Won’t stay the same ♪ Thank you very much. Before I tell you anything else, I want you to know, I see a shrink. We’re good. I’ve been actually seeing the same shrink since 2007. I didn’t start dating the woman who’s now my wife until 2012. My shrink’s name is Barb, which I-I think we can all agree that’s the perfect name for a shrink, and Barb’s the best. Even though Barb is… kind of the worst. And mostly ’cause she’s not necessarily like, good at it, you know. She’s not good at actually being a doctor. When you’re a doctor, there’s all kinds of rules that go along with that. When I started with Barb, I was like, “I don’t… think she knows that.” But then very quickly, I’m like, “Oh, wait, no.” She just doesn’t give a shit, man.” She once spent a portion of a session sitting on the couch with me, showing me pictures on an iPad of a house she bought in Mexico. That’s also how she let me know that she was moving to Mexico. All of our sessions now happen via Skype, oftentimes while she is lounging in a hammock. She has seen me in many shows over the years, she’s come out to live shows, and that’s very nice, it’s very supportive, I get that, but… There are these things called “boundary issues.” You don’t want those being crossed. She once… She once saw me in a show here in New York, and my parents also attended that show, and they lived near each other in New Jersey at the time, and Barb asked my parents for a ride home… and they gave it to her. If you’re not familiar with how this type of doctor/patient relationship is supposed to go, it’s not supposed to end with your shrink and your parents alone in a car. But there’s a reason I’ve stayed with her as long as I have. I mean, it’s been a decade. She can… she can be great. There’s a lot of crazy stuff, and you’ll hear a lot of that, but she can also be great. One time she says to me, she goes, “You know what your basic problem is?” “Your reactions to things “are not in proportion to the things you’re reacting to.” And that just… Mwah! ‘Cause that’s very true about me. That has always been true. Really big things will happen in my life, and I’ll be like, “Whatever. Who cares?” And then these tiny little things will just spiral out of control. Like my wife… my wife… My wife’s incredible. I think my wife’s a perfect human being. Outside of… of one flaw. She does… She has one flaw. If she opens a cabinet door, that cabinet door stays open. That is a fact. I don’t even know if she’s aware that they move in the other direction. And unfortunately for me with my anxiety mixed with my slight OCD, if a cabinet door is open and it doesn’t have to be, that feels to me like the entire world is falling apart. And there’s one night, where she and I are in bed, and I can’t fall asleep because I know… that in our kitchen… there is a cabinet door… and it is open. And I’m in my head, I’m going, “Who cares?” “Let it go. “There are no negative repercussions to a cabinet door being open right now.” And then I think to myself, “You can’t make that promise.” And I’m going, “Don’t do it. It is crazy if you do it.” But I do, I get out of bed, and I tiptoe into our kitchen, and I close the cabinet door and when I do, I say out loud, “It’s over.” Now, clearly that does not deserve that reaction. Barb is on the money when it comes to this one, and maybe I should know that about myself. Maybe I should know that my reactions don’t always make sense. I-I really didn’t, and for her to tell me that in such a simple way, that’s the type of wisdom Barb drops every once in a while that makes it so worth it to stay with her. Even though she also says things like the time she told me that she believes human brains are actually computers invented by aliens and placed inside our heads. My shrink told me that. She didn’t just tell me that. She forgot she told me that, and reiterated it eight months later. So I-I bet for a lot of people, the big question is, “Why?” Right? Like, “Why do you have to see a shrink?” That cabinet door thing isn’t so bad.” And it’s not. It’s also just the tip of the iceberg, unfortunately. I’ve been dealing with stuff more severe than that since a really young age. Um, I didn’t… I didn’t know when I was 11 years old that this thing had a name: Depression. I just thought everybody in fifth grade had an internal monologue like the guy from Taxi Driver. It’s very hard to verbally kind of describe what it… what it feels like. I bet anybody else who has dealt with it would agree that’s… that’s one of the very frustrating things about it. Um, I can say this, even when I was little, I knew I was never sure which version of myself I would wake up as on any given day. “Is today gonna be a day where I’m… I’m really mad at everybody and I can’t even explain why?” “Or today am I gonna get really shy around people who I have known for my whole life?” “Or, or maybe today I’ll be really manic “and try to convince the other kids in the neighborhood that we gotta get up on a garage and jump into our neighbor’s pool.” “Maybe today I’ll be too scared to even leave the house “because I’ve convinced myself if I do, “I might see the Virgin Mary and die, like those kids who saw her in Portugal a hundred years ago.” Because I think we’d all agree that when you’re born with mental-illness-level anxiety, the cure clearly is being raised Catholic. Catholicism doesn’t help anxiety. It’s like, “This man’s watching you. Apologize for something.” That’s like… That’s the whole religion, that’s it. I didn’t… I didn’t see this stuff hit its peak level until I was 14. That’s the first age where I had one of my attacks. And… and these attacks have plagued me ever since. Basically if my depression really gets going, I kind of can’t, like, grab onto my thoughts, is how I might describe it, and I can’t breathe, and my-my body is hot, and my face numb, like, actual pins and needles. When it’s at its worst, my face goes numb. It’s awful. So, I bet the even bigger “why” is “Well, why does that happen?” And I’m sorry to tell you, no real reason. I wish. I wish I had one. I wish I had some inciting incident that I could point to and say, “That. That’s what caused this in me.” I don’t have that. I was a pretty normal kid at the end of the day. I loved basketball. John Starks, that’s my dude, now and forever. Love Starks. I love pro-wrestling. The nature boy, Ric Flair. That’s my guy. Woo. A couple other people, that’s nice, that’s good. I, uh, I loved comic books, but we can be honest, right? Marvel only. Come on! Thank you. DC Comics are bullshit, always have been. They have a character called the Blue Beetle. Get the fuck outta here. That’s not okay, you know? And comedy was the big one for me. I mean, when I’m nine, ten years old, all I want to do is stay up late and watch David Letterman. And I start collecting Andy Kaufman tapes when I’m still in high school, and Saturday Night Live. When I was a kid, that’s the best era of SNL. Chris Farley. “Living in a van down by the river!” It’s the best, you know, so… Pretty average nerdy kid interests, you know, and no real traumas to report at home. My… My parents are still in love and married after 40 years. Like… I don’t know. I don’t know what caused it. Like… hate to say it, but sometimes… people just break. Welcome to a comedy show. Welcome. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. So, in 2001, I’m 21 years old, and I find myself driving on Valley Road in Clifton, New Jersey. For anybody who’s not familiar with Clifton, New Jersey, this is a very long road. It goes from one end of this town all the way to the other. So even though it’s just a regular suburban road, people do drive fast on it. And I’m driving behind this pick-up truck. It’s a big, beat-up pick-up, the kind you’d see, like, a landscaping company use. And I’m listening to The Smiths. Who, if you’re not familiar, The Smiths are a rock and roll group. They’re from Manchester, England. Very popular in the early to mid 1980s. Um, even… even if you don’t know The Smiths, you might know their… their front man. He still tours around a lot. His name is Morrissey. He’s like a very legendarily emotional singer. I am clearly trying to rip off his haircut right now. And I know I’m listening to The Smiths, because when I’m 21 years old, all I listen to is The Smiths. Because when you’re 21 years old, and you’re as sad as I am a lot of the time, and you hear a lyric, like, ♪ If you’re so funny ♪ ♪ Why are you on your own tonight ♪ ♪ I know ♪ ♪ Because tonight is just like any other night ♪ ♪ That’s why you’re on your own tonight ♪ Thanks. When you hear that, you’re like, “Someone gets it.” Someone just verbalized this thing I have always felt. There is one person in this world who understands me. It’s weird that it’s Morrissey, but… I’ll take it. So I-I’m behind this pickup truck, and the blinker turns on, the driver’s gonna turn left. I don’t even slow down. I’m gonna pass him on the right. I come around him, and as I do so, I realize he’s done one of those, “Oh, that’s not the turn I’m supposed to make.” He’s coming back into my lane. He’s coming back into the right lane, and it’s very clear I’m in his blind spot. He doesn’t see me. And I think to myself, “You should hit the brakes.” And then I think, “No, don’t.” “Because this way it’s just a car crash. “And this way, your parents don’t have to go around town being the parents of the kid who killed himself.” Because we don’t judge people when they die in car crashes, but we do judge people when they die of suicide. I think it’s one of the strangest things we’ve given ourselves permission to do, and ultimately, I think it’s a branding problem… honestly. I do. I think suicide has a real branding problem. Because it has a tagline, it has its own tagline and the tagline sucks. It’s very condescending. “Suicide is the coward’s way out.” What a bad tagline. That’s bad branding. A tagline’s supposed to get you pumped up. You know? Like Nike, that’s a good tagline. “Just do it.” Right? I’m not saying that suicide should take that one, that’s not… That’s not it. Really, none of the big ones apply to this. Although, Burger King “Have It Your Way” kind of does fit, oddly… oddly enough. I’ll say this too, I’ve never understood it, the phrase. I don’t get what’s cowardly about suicide. To me, suicide means that someone had a lot of problems and they couldn’t fight through them anymore. That is a lot of things, it’s not cowardly. So this truck hits me, sideswipes me, sends my little Nissan Sentra off into this driveway. Which sounds like a safe place to end up, except, unfortunately for me, this little section of Clifton, New Jersey is built on a hill. So the driveway has a retaining wall, and I hit it head-on. Car comes crashing down on the front lawn of this house, and as soon as the car stops bouncing, I think to myself, “Oh my God, I did that.” And then it’s silent. Until I hear the sound of an aluminum front door squeaking open. It’s a very familiar sound for any of us who grew up in the suburbs. And then I hear this voice that has the same exact accent as my mother, which is the same exact accent… as Carmela Soprano. This is very true, and if there’s any North Jersey people here tonight, you can vouch for me. A lot of people sound like Carmela Soprano where we grew up. That’s… very true. I grew up in Essex County. That’s where Sopranos took place, and they nailed the culture of it, and Edie Falco in particular. She earned every award she ever won. And that’s the real message of this show tonight. That’s the real, uncomfortable truth, I wish we’d just speak more openly about is that Edie Falco, pretty fucking good at acting. Quite good at what she does. So, this door squeaks open, and then, I hear this Carmela Soprano go, “Oh my God!” And then a second door squeaks open, and I hear a second Carmela Soprano go, “What’s going on?” And then a third door opens, and a third Carmela Soprano goes, “Is he dead?” And the second one goes, “We don’t know.” And the first one says, “We’re trying to figure it out.” So I’m listening to this chorus of Carmela Sopranos debate whether or not I’m dead, and I’m in total shock inside the car. I’m like, “Maybe I am.” “Maybe I’m dead right now. Maybe they know better than I do. “Maybe… Maybe I’m dead and I’m a ghost. Maybe I’m the ghost of Clifton, New Jersey.” Which could be worse. Could be Passaic. Which if you knew… If you knew the geography of North Jersey, you’d be like, “Nailed it, bro!” I promise you would. You would, I promise. So these Carmela Sopranos, they’re discussing me, and then I hear another voice, angry male voice. This guy says, “Get the fuck out of the car.” I realize this is the driver of the truck I hit. He’s coming towards me from the truck. He’s a big dude, he’s jacked. Scary looking, not even because of the muscles, because of his outfit. He’s wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off… and the shirt is tucked into a pair of Daisy Dukes. It’s very disconcerting. It’s very disconcerting. So he says, “Get the fuck out of the car!” I say, “I can’t, man. The door, it’s all caved in.” It doesn’t… It doesn’t work anymore.” And he says, “I’m gonna fuck you up.” And he walks around the car, and just before he gets to the passenger side door, another voice, North Jersey, Italian-American male accent. This guy sounds a lot like my best friend Anthony’s dad. And… And this guy just goes, “Hey calm down, man. Look at him, huh? He’s just a kid. Look at him, man, he’s just a kid.” And the big guy goes, “What?!” And the Carmela Sopranos are like, “What’s this new development?” You know? Everybody’s just trying to figure it out, you know. And the Italian guy says that a couple more times. “He’s just a kid, man, come on. He’s just a kid.” And to this day, I’m not sure why, the big guy turns around, gets back in his truck. He just leaves. Gets out of there. He leaves the scene, never made sense to me. The Italian guy, he opens the passenger side door, he gives me his hand. I climb out of the car. He says, “You okay?” And I say, “Thanks, man. You saved me.” And I’ve always felt bad about that. Because there was a lot more to be said. Like, sure, you saved me in that immediate sense, but also you saved me because I did that. And I never ever thought I could ever actually act on that impulse. And-and-and now you’re here, and you remind me of my best friend’s dad. Like you saved me, but I, I didn’t even know how to formulate those thoughts, let alone express them, so I just mumbled, “You saved me.” And I will never forget how he responds. He puts his hand on my shoulder, and gives me a nod and he says, “It’s all right. I wasn’t gonna let a n i g g e r beat up a white kid.” “Okay, thanks again, man.” Thank you. And believe me, from the bottom of my heart, believe me, I hate saying that word. I hate the sound of it coming out of my mouth. And… and I wish that’s not how that went. That’s a true story. All these stories tonight are true. And… And I wish… I wish it was different. I wish… I wish it was the racist guy that was… that was mad at me. The roles were reversed. That’s not how it went down. Life wasn’t simple that day. There’s these shades of gray, and I would argue that those shades of gray where things get that awful and fucked up, it’s… it’s a big part of why this world seems so overwhelming and depressing to people like me. So, he says that bullshit, and I’m like, “Oh.” I thought the car crash was the rock-bottom.” And I think about that day a lot. I think about the aftermath of it, and I get very upset with myself because I still didn’t get help after that. Everybody in my family thought that that was a car accident. And I’ve always been really good at hiding this side of myself. Anytime, anytime at all when people are asking me what’s going on, I keep myself way too busy. That’s always… That’s always been my style. And back then, I was a full-time student at Rutgers University. – I had a full-time job. Man: Whoo. An appropriate level of enthusiasm. Many… Like Ohio State people are like, “O-H-I-O!” Rutgers, you like wait a minute, and you’re like, “I as well.” Like, that’s really… That’s really… Thank you. I was a full-time student there. I had a full-time job, and I mentioned how much I loved comedy. I found a place willing to let me do it. It’s still here, it’s in New York. It’s called the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. Great place, great place. And, uh, I started there when I was 20 years old, and… and I loved it so much. And one night, I’m driving home from the UCB theater, back to my parents’ house in Jersey, where I still lived at the time, and it was after a particularly bad show. It was an improvised parody of Japanese anime cartoons, and I was playing a schoolgirl named Urine. And… needless to say, I wasn’t feeling great about myself. And I’m-I’m driving, and I’m like, “I’m so exhausted all the time. Why? And like for that. Is any of this… even worth it?” And I can’t… breathe, and the heat, and the pins and needles while I’m driving. And I pull off of Route 46, and I stop in this bank parking lot, and I call Teresa. She was my girlfriend in college. And I say, “It’s happening again, and I’m driving and it’s scary.” And she interrupts me. She does what I think is the kindest thing anybody has ever done for me. She says, “Look.” “Here’s what’s gonna happen. “You’re gonna go home right now. “You’re gonna wake up your mom and tell her what’s going on. “Because, look, I’m calling her, okay? “I’m calling her first thing tomorrow morning. “I’m telling her, so now’s your chance to get it done on your terms.” She took the choice out of my hands. Thank God. That’s what I needed back then. Although, believe me, that night? Not into it at all, at all. I’m like, “You can’t do that. That’s not yours to share. This isn’t fair.” And she’s like, “Fair?” “You wanna talk about fair? “You still call me about this shit. You dumped me 18 months ago, asshole.” Touché. Touché. I do what she says. I-I get home… and it’s about 2:30 in the morning, and I walk into my parents’ bedroom, and… and my mom’s asleep in bed. And my mom is this five-foot nothing, arthritic, little Irish-Catholic lady. And, uh, and my dad… My dad had a job in Puerto Rico for like a year or so. So randomly, he just lived on the island of Puerto Rico at that time, and that means my mom’s alone in this bed. It’s way too big for just her, you know? It looks like she’s, like, drowning in all those blankets, and I, uh… I reach out to wake up my mother, and before I touch her, I pause. Because I realize that this is the last moment in my mom’s life where she gets to think that she has a normal kid… and I almost bail. I almost just walk away, but it’s out of my hands now. Right? I-I gotta do it, so… I do it. I shake my mom awake, and-and she’s really confused, and I just blurt it out. I say, “Mom, I’m… suicidal”, and I’m really scared.” And she’s blindsided by that. And I never… I never want to see my mom that frightened ever again. And-And she puts on her glasses, and-and she says, “I-I didn’t know. “I don’t know what to do. What… What do you… What do you think we should do?” And I think to myself… She sounds so much like Carmela Soprano. It’s ridiculous. It feels good to tell somebody what’s going on, and it feels good to ask for help. And-And my mom, she steps up. Helps me find a doctor at a clinic on Bloomfield Avenue in Verona, New Jersey. And I go. At the end of that week, I see a doctor for the first time. Even though, I-I didn’t… I never wanted to, you know. And I get it. The first time you see a shrink, you kind of feel like you’ve failed, you know, like you’re giving up. And especially where I’m from, like, my neighborhood in North Jersey, you tell someone you’re going to see a shrink, they’re gonna be like, “Wait. What? Why? Like… “Like you get to fix your life up or something? What? Like… “Like you deserve to be so happy? What? You think you’re fucking better than me?” Like that is the vibe where I grew up. I’m so sorry. Thank you, sir. I’m so sorry. I went… I-I-I went, and I kept going, even though I didn’t like it at all, and I was proud of that. ‘Cause it was my one hour a week where I was finally fighting back. But this doctor… I notice right away, this doctor’s questions, broad, vague questions, like they’re not really addressing the things I’m even bringing up. He’s not really listening, which I-I thought for a shrink was the only job requirement, you know? I’m telling him about my childhood. I-I-I’m like, “Parents, great, no complains there.” But I did grow up in this town, West Orange, odd place at times, kind of violent and like a lot of bullying and stuff, and like no real consequences for it even. My older brother, when he was 12 years old, he got beat up by a bully so bad, this kid broke my brother’s shoulder, broke his collarbone in a fight. This happened at Edison Middle School. The kid didn’t even get into any trouble for that. I’m a few years younger than my brother. I see that, I’m like, “Okay, I guess… “I guess the world’s, like, violent and aggressive “and nobody’s really going to help you out so, “keep your guard up, man. Like, don’t let anybody in.” It really messed me up. It did. And oddly enough… I mean, this doesn’t really matter, it’s neither here nor there… But oddly enough that bully happened to be a little person. A dwarf broke my brother’s shoulder. My childhood may as well have just been directed by David Lynch. It made no sense. It made no sense. And… And this doctor… Doctor interrupts me, and he goes, “Are you gay?” I’m like, “What’s that have to do… with that?” I-I-I don’t think so.” “That’s an interesting answer.” Not really though, right? Like there’s a spectrum. Everybody’s on it. We’re fine. “M’kay. M’kay. But did your father hit you?” “Did you not hear what I just said?” Like, “A dwarf was breaking bones.” “We definitely have shit to talk about.” “Did your gay father hit you?” I said, motherfucker. What I realized is like he had these checklist questions. He asked everybody these questions. I smelled a rat. It was bullshit. I didn’t like it. But I stuck with it, I did stick with it, and, um, even went on medication through the clinic doctor. The first time, first time I went on meds, it was via the clinic doctor, and I didn’t want to do that either… for many reasons. Chief among them, mental health medications, to my knowledge, that’s the only type of medication that when people find out you’re taking it, they feel this freedom to offer up their entirely unsolicited opinions about it, right to your face, it happens all the time. And I don’t think it’s okay with any other sickness to just like say shit about the medications. Like nobody has ever been diagnosed with diabetes and had their ignorant cousin go, “You’re gonna take insulin?” “For now, right? You’ll get off that shit someday.” No one in human history has ever said the words, “What’s so wrong with your life that you need chemotherapy?” Never been said. But when you take the medicines I take, people say stuff like that, legit, all the time. So, I’m pushing back against it. I’m giving myself all the usual excuses. “You won’t really be yourself anymore.” Right? Or, uh… “You’ll be walking around in a fog.” Or the big one for people like me, “You won’t be creative anymore. “You won’t be funny if you take those pills. “You won’t be funny unless you’re a Sylvia Plath-esque, tortured soul improv kid.” Which, I will tell you, in my opinion, which is really all this show is, um… That-that-that creativity thing, that’s the biggest bullshit myth that we allow to perpetuate, and I don’t get it, and not just perpetuate, we romanticize that one. Still. We do. People have said to me, people have said to me, like, “Yeah, but like”, “Kurt Cobain though, right?” Like, “Those songs. Kurt Cobain.” And I’m like, “Okay.” “You know what I’d love, though? “I’d love if Kurt Cobain was still alive, putting out shitty light rock albums. I’d love that.” I would love it if in December, Kurt Cobain dropped a Starbucks exclusive Christmas album. I’d love that. I’d love that. I also, it’s… I don’t even think it’s true. Like I get it, I get that certain drugs can dull your creativity, but a good doctor will just put you on different drugs. And one of my life’s true regrets, is that I bought into that one for years. I didn’t take medicine for that reason, and what a waste of time, because I’m happy to tell ya, at least in my case, I am significantly fucking funnier on medication. It’s not even… Thanks. It’s not even a contest. It’s not, and like… I was always so scared I’d lose my ideas. That was the big fear from back then. “I’ll lose my ideas if I take those pills.” And I think about these ideas from back then, that I was so scared to lose, and… Like, there was a night at Rutgers, I call up all my comedy friends, I say, “Drop what you’re doing.” “Meet me at the diner. I have the best idea I have ever had.” And they do. They show up at the diner. They’re like, “What’s going on?” I’m like, “Well, here’s what’s going on is” “we’re gonna write a play, tonight. “It’s gonna be called Time Phone. “It’s about a phone where when you pick it up, “you can talk to people in other eras of time. “We’re gonna perform it, one night only, also tonight…” “in the cash machine booth at a local bank.” “First question, I know. Who’s gonna see it? “Great question. Well, if anybody needs money, “I guess they’ll catch a few minutes of Time Phone. “And if not, then whatever, guys. “It’s just for us, then, right? “Like then it’s just art for art’s sake, right, guys? “Right, guys? Right, guys?” And they’re all eating chicken fingers, like, “No.” And not only is Time Phone a pretty bad idea, it is already the plot of a Dennis Quaid movie. Frequency is just that with a ham radio. That’s what I’m so worried about? That I won’t be able to fly into a manic fit, and rip off Dennis Quaid? So, even though I’m one of these people that’s like, “Medications, yeah.” I don’t know about that.” It turns out, they do work really well for me. And I know people have strong opinions on this one, so, let me just get this out of the way. I’m not trying to convince anybody about any of this. I promise I’m not. I’m not a shill. This show is not secretly sponsored by Pfizer, I swear. We’re good. I’m not even gonna say that going on this drug is a… This type of drug, it’s not an easy thing to do. I would never say that. There’s side effects. There’s side effects now. Let alone in 2002. The drug cocktail that the clinic doctor put me on then, it was Depakote, Wellbutrin, and Risperdal. And Depakote, clinic doctor says, “You know, one of the side effects of this is “you can’t lose weight while you’re taking it. So, be careful what you eat.” And I say, “Got it.” But I’m 22 years old, so I eat whatever I want. And very quickly, I develop the physique of… like a… like a sad uncle who’s like, “Maybe I should’ve gotten married.” That was my body type: Dejected uncle. Wellbutrin, some people have side effects from it. I’ve never had any side effects from Wellbutrin. I’m back on Wellbutrin today, and I love it! That’s what I have for breakfast every morning, is my ‘Butrin. Give me that Byootch, baby. It goes down smooth. That’s a tagline. Glad to see I got some other Byootch people here tonight. That’s good, that’s good. Now, I don’t know if anybody’s ever heard of Risperdal. Whoo! You? Usually doesn’t get cheers, that one. Usually people are like… ‘Cause you guys can… You do know that’s a heavy duty one, though. Everybody who’s heard of that knows, that’s an antipsychotic. Um, I was put on that ’cause about halfway through my time at Rutgers, I started having very severe paranoia, and it was getting delusional. For example, Rutgers is a very big campus, and they have buses to take the kids around, and you have to push that thing, tell the driver when it’s time to stop the bus, you know. And I’d go to push that thing and I’d go, “Hmm. Nah, don’t… don’t push that. If you push that, they can track you.” And I’d hear myself think that, and I’d go, “Hold on. There is no they. “And on the off chance that there is, “I highly doubt that they are interested in the comings and goings “of a C-plus American Studies major, at an admittedly mid-tier state university in New Jersey.” You know that it’s true. You know that it’s true. I take the Risperdal, that stops right away. I stop thinking that cops are following me. It’s freedom. It feels like this… this freedom. It does have one side effect. It makes my back muscles tighten up. This is apparently pretty common with this drug, so they also put me on a muscle relaxer. And that has a side effect… that we are going to talk about. We’re all familiar with male ejaculate, yeah? I know that due to lifestyle preferences or experience levels not all of us come into contact with it on the regular, but we’re all adults here tonight. We all understand that men ejaculate, that there’s a companion substance known as ejaculate. We all know a certain range of colors to be expected with this substance. There’s a certain level of viscosity that one can rely upon in dealing with this substance. This is… This is why you’ll be so surprised to hear that when I was 22 years old, I was masturbating, which is not the surprising part at all. When you’re a 22-year-old male, masturbation is most of what you accomplish on any given day. It’s like golf. It’s like a sport you play against yourself, you know? And I wanted to be good at it. I was putting in my Malcolm Gladwell 10,000 hours on that one. In a big way. No, the surprising part is that I finished, and I… I came water. Think about how I felt. Water came out of here… and then very quickly, water came out of here. Because it was disturbing, you can imagine. You have all these thoughts, you’re like, “Oh, I guess I’m so fucked up”, that God’s now removed my ability to reproduce.” You have that thought. And then even physically it wasn’t good, like it was not even a good amount of water. And I’m already not the most powerful ejaculator. And if there’s one thing you remember from this show… if there’s one thought that really sticks with ya, I hope it’s that, that I, Chris Gethard, not the most powerful ejaculator. But it-it was not even good by my standards. Like, you know when your landlord’s working on the pipes and disconnects the water, but you don’t know it and you turn on the faucet, and get that last little… I would’ve killed for that water pressure. I would have loved that. Really, the only thing that I can compare it to is when you’re eating spicy food, and… and you open your mouth too wide, and then from under your tongue, you get that spritz. That little saliva, you know? Where I grew up that was called “gleaking.” We called that “gleaking.” They don’t put that on the bottle. “Possible side effects include… your dick gleaks.” They leave… They leave that one out. Every time I bring up the medications, it always makes me think about Barb. Because when I started with Barb in 2007, she says to me, “You need to be back on pills, that’s very clear. “But… check this out. “I get a lot of free samples from the pharmaceutical companies, “so maybe we’ll just, like, slip you some. Get the dosage right, you know?” Now this is perfectly legal, but I like that she handled it with the tone of a street level drug dealer, I love that. I loved it, made me laugh, made me feel comfortable. Like, like she’s playing ball with me. Like, it made me feel like she was ready to go any length for my treatment, I love that. Although, first to admit, she can take that too far every once in a while. Like, there was a time, before she moved to Mexico, I’m in her… I’m in Barb’s office one day, she says to me, “Hey, there’s this guy, “his office is right down the hall from mine. “We’ve been teaming up on patients, we’re getting great results. “My specialties, his specialty. “A lot of crossover there. I think you need to go see this guy.” I say “Okay. What’s his specialty?” She says, “Numerology.” And I go, I go, “Numerology numerology? “Like… like, I give this guy my birthday “and then other significant dates throughout my life, and then he analyzes them and predicts my future?” And she says, “Bingo.” I’m like, “No, that… Not for me,” you know? Although, I don’t judge it. I actually don’t. Like, if she says people are feeling better because of numerology, then great, whatever makes people feel better, I’m a proponent of it. Different things work for different people all the time. You know, like some people self-medicate and apparently it works, I’m jealous. That’s great, more power to you, I tried. Alcohol… was how I tried to self-medicate. When I started with Barb, she says to me, she goes, “You don’t drink booze anymore, huh? How come? Are you, you an alcoholic?” And I’m like, “I’m not an alcoholic. I never drank every day.” And she goes, “That’s actually not what being an alcoholic is.” It’s a lot more about your relationship with alcohol.” And I go, “Barb, we can move on, okay?” “Like, I’d get a little out of control, but we’re good. I’m not an alcoholic.” And she says, “Give me an example of your behavior.” And I’m like okay, fine. I remember one night at Rutgers. I’m out drinking at the bars on Easton Avenue, and I’m with this girl. We’ve always been very flirty, and I really want to impress her, so every time she has a pint, I have a pitcher. Throwing it back and really quickly. She’s like, “Yo, this isn’t cool, man. I’m gonna head home.” And I’m like, “Great. Yeah. Whatever. I’ll head home, too, no problem.” And here’s where I baffle myself, is I know I’ve had too much to drink. That just happened, it’s embarrassing. Still, I get home, my roommates are drinking, I grab a bottle from one of them, crack it open, chug the entire thing top to bottom, throw the empty bottle on the ground. Now, my roommates are drinking Mad Dog 20/20. Woo! Which some of you have heard of. For anybody who’s not familiar with Mad Dog 20/20, congratulations. You’ve never been homeless, that’s great. That’s great. We’re drinking strawberry-kiwi flavor. I drank the whole thing, my roommates are like, “We can’t believe you just did that.” I’m like, “Oh? You can’t? Gimme another one.” I chug another entire big bottle of Mad Dog, that’s when this night goes nuts. I start opening windows, and I’m yelling at people out on the streets, and I’m getting in my roommates’ faces trying to convince them they should fight me, and I’m rolling around on the ground. And in the middle of all this chaos, my roommate Phil comes home, and he doesn’t size things up well. He goes “Bros, I’m going to a frat party.” Anybody wanna come?” And the rest of my roommates were like “Phil, no.” “No. No, no, no.” And I’m like “Yeah.” “I’m coming to the frat party, Phil,” “I’m coming and I’m… I’m just gonna do me, Phil.” “I’m just gonna behave however I feel like it tonight, Phil,” “and if anybody has an issue with that, I’ll let them know” “that you’re responsible for bringing me, Phil. I’ll let everybody know.” And right then, my roommate Dan grabs me and goes “Phil, run!” And Phil runs. He sprints out the front door of our house. Dan’s holding my arms down, he’s like, “You gotta calm down, man.” I’m like, “Fine, whatever.” He helps me up to my room, in the attic, up all the steps. I get undressed, he tucks me into bed. I fall asleep. Should be the end of this story. Except the next thing I know, I… come to again and I’m… I’m fully clothed, and I’m running… down the middle of a street in New Brunswick, New Jersey. And I’m wearing… a Batman mask. I don’t know where I got it. I’ve never owned a Batman mask. I don’t even like DC Comics! But I’m wearing it, and I am running, maybe from the person I stole the Batman mask from. I black out again. I come to on the front porch of a house. I’m trying to open the door. There’s a guy, holding it closed from the other side, going, “No, seriously, Batman, you cannot come in here.” I black out. I come to, I’m on top of a parked car. I’m jumping up and down. There’s people surrounding the entire car going, “Batman! Batman!” I black out. I come to. I’m back in my room, thank God, and I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, blinking through the Batman mask, and as… as I get my bearings I realize that on the couch, in the corner of my room, there are two adult men who can only be described as sketchy, and they’re looking at me. And I say, “Hey, uh, you have to get out of my house.” And they look at each other and the one guy goes, “Wait. What?” And I go, “You-you have to go.” You have to get out of my house.” And the other guy goes “Okay.” But what happens?” And I realize… that I… must be in the middle of telling these guys a story. And they want to know how it ends. But I don’t know, I’m completely obliterated. I don’t know what’s going on, so I stand up and I’m like, “Seriously, you-you gotta go. You gotta get out of my house.” And at that exact moment, Barb interrupts me and is like, “Yeah.” You are definitely an alcoholic.” Okay. Now by-by 2004, I’m actually feeling pretty good. I’ve been going to see the clinic doctor for two years. I’ve been medicated for two years. I’ve been sober for two years. And I’m learning to let my guard down, letting people in. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence I have this newfound positivity. That year, I get my first full-time job in comedy. I am hired to be the writers’ assistant for a show on Comedy Central, and that’s not a very glamorous entertainment job, a writer’s assistant. There’s a lot of ordering lunches and making copies and stuff, but I don’t care, you can imagine. I’m this kid, I’ve always clung to comedy, and now it’s my gig, that is… the best. Oh, there is… There’s one hitch. They say you have the job, and it starts on Monday, in Los Angeles. Now at this point, I-I still live in Montclair, New Jersey. I’m about ten minutes away from my mom. I-I have to call her up, and say, “Hey, Ma, I got this great news, but… “remember… “a couple years ago, I woke you up in the middle of the night, “saying that I wanted to be dead? “Now I’m gonna go… “3,000 miles away. “I’m actually going to go as far away as I can go “and still be… in the continental United States.” And you can imagine, a lot of fear from my mother, a lot of concern like, “You can’t… Maybe, you can just like wait” “and get a job in New York, you know,” but… She knew, she knew I had to go, and I do. I do. I drop my entire life, and I drive cross-country, and that trip’s the best. For me, that trip is 3,000 miles of nothing, but The Smiths. That is it, because when you’re 24 years old, and you’re feeling hope for the first time in a long time, and you hear a lyric like, ♪ When you want to live ♪ ♪ How do you start? ♪ ♪ Where do you go? ♪ ♪ Who do you need to know? ♪ ♪ Ohhh ♪ You are like, “Totally different era of life. “This motherfucker still gets me. How does he do it? He’s a genius.” We all know, he would’ve been knighted a long time ago if he didn’t threaten to kill the queen so many times, right? Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. All these things… All these things happen on this trip. Like, I stay in this hourly hotel in Indiana that I think was a brothel. Didn’t ask, never knew for sure. And I got stuck, I got stuck in a lightning storm in Texas, which was actually very beautiful… and dangerous but beautiful. And then I’m driving in New Mexico, on this long straight highway, and this side of the car, it’s just prairie, it’s just grass, that’s it, that’s all you can see, and-and this side, sand, nothing but desert. And we all know, it’s very desolate out there in the West. I’m driving 30… 35… 40 minutes, I don’t pass another car the entire time. I’m just out there, alone. Except for the train. There’s these train tracks, they’re right alongside the highway, and it’s one of these big freight trains that you see out in the middle of the country, and I get really into it. I’m not… I’m not sure why, I-I-I just start glancing over, I’m like, “Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh.” It looks like we got ourselves some train action right now, huh?” You know, I’m trying to guess what’s in it, you know? I’m like, “Maybe it’s like… Maybe it’s like hay?” “No. You don’t put hay in a train, you fucking idiot.” “Coal. It’s gotta be coal.” And then the tracks veer off towards the horizon, and I’m like, “Oh! I wanted to get to the bottom of the mystery.” And then they come back towards the highway, and I’m like, “Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, looks like we’re just at the beginning of our journey, train.” I couldn’t figure out why it was making me feel so elated, and then I-I realized that for the first time since the age of eleven, I’m not worried about anything. And I swear to you, I could see it in my head what this must have looked like from above. Like I could see a flash of the bird’s-eye view, and I realize, zoom out just a little bit, and you won’t even be able to make out my car against the asphalt of the road. And zoom out a little bit more than that, and those train tracks, you’d be like, is that another road or a river? What’s… What’s going on there? And zoom out just a little bit more, and all of it blends together. None of it makes any sense. And it occurs to me… that I’m… small… and I… do not matter… and that is beautiful. And what I mean by that is, I was living this life where every day, I mean, every single day, usually before I even left the house, I’d find some reason to be angry… or sad… or scared. And ask the other depressed people in your life, you do that enough days in a row, you just become convinced that that’s who you are, that’s how you’re wired, that… that’s how you have to live, because that’s your option. And… I realized out there on that highway in New Mexico, that another option is maybe someday I die old and happy. I honestly didn’t know… that I had that option. So, anyway, I make it to California, I conquer the entertainment industry, depression goes away forever. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much, thank you. Thank you! No, No need to… It was fake the whole time, it was… California, I didn’t conquer… I didn’t conquer anything. By a long shot. California was fun. It was not… Whoo! Whoo! California, fun. As the Beach Boys said in 38 songs, California, fun, whoo-hoo. I’ve brought up New Jersey 170 times to no enthusiasm. Woman: Whoo! I mention California once, and people are like, “Yeah!” California was fun. It was not all sunshine, and I actually mean that in a literal sense. I… I wind up renting this very cheap room. It has no window. And I… Also, in my office, it has no window, and I’m working very long hours, so… I’ve never been to California in my life, I finally get out there and just never see the sun, and it gets unhealthy, very fast. I start getting nosebleeds all the time, like three times a week. And my boss, he grabs me eventually, and he says “Hey, you have to go outside for 30 minutes everyday.” I’m ordering you.” And I go “Why?” And he goes “Because I think… I’m… watching you die.” So I do. I go outside for half an hour every single day. I play basketball with Juancho and Humberto, who to this day, they’re the coolest guys I’ve ever met. They… They work on our show. They grew up in Tijuana, Mexico. They’re so smart and funny, and just like, by far, to this day, the most chill dudes I’ve ever hung out with. And they’re really tough, but… they also love Morrissey. Which, I don’t know if everybody’s heard about this? It turns out in Southern California, almost every Mexican-American male just has a real love of Morrissey. I promise I’m not being racist. Google it. There’s éses trying to get to the bottom of this shit. There are, and to meet guys who are tough, but who also love Morrissey? I’ve never felt better about this in my life. Never. Never felt better about that one. I’ll say this too, even with the Internet, 3,000 miles means you can cut people out, and, and there were people who were very, very negative in my life, I just never spoke to them again, and life starts getting fun. It really does, I, uh… I sleep with two girls in the four months that I am in California, which, back then, Sinatra-esque hot streak. You have… no idea. And I’m meeting all these new people, and they don’t know me. They do not know me as this anxiety-riddled mess from New Jersey. They’re just like… “Who’s this new kid that loves sex and basketball?” That’s who I am to them. Then a great thing happens. We get a mid-season pick up, which is really rare in TV. It means while we’re working on our show, the network calls, and they’re like, “Hey, we love how it’s coming out.” “Keep going. We’re gonna give you even more money than we originally said, “so you can make more. Your dream gets to be your job, at least a little while longer.” And it’s great news. There are a lot of logistics to take care of though, like, uh, like I have to call the clinic doctor back in New Jersey. I call the clinic doctor, I leave a message on his answering machine, and I say, “Hey, good news, but… “it means I have to be out here for four months. “You prescribed me three months’ worth of medication, and so just let me know how we handle that.” And about a week goes by. I don’t hear back, so I call again. I leave another message on the clinic doctor’s machine. And I say, “Hey, I counted out my pills”, “and I’m definitely running out while I’m out here, so… “I don’t know, can you prescribe over the phone, or… “should I space out when I’m taking them? I-I just need a game plan.” Because you don’t want to go cold turkey off any medication really, right? Let alone a mental health one. Let alone Risperdal. Right, Risperdal people? No way! If you want to be able to not fall asleep tonight, Google “What happens if I go cold turkey off Risperdal?” Read the very lengthy list that comes up. I’ve done it. Here’s some of my favorite selections from that list. “Psychosis. “Blackout states. Homicidal thoughts and actions.” “Sweating,” and I love that they even include sweating. Why bother? Why put sweating on that list? Why? It’s like, “Oh, if you don’t black out and murder somebody…” Whew! But all-all-all jokes aside, I’m getting very scared, and a few days later I call again, I’m leaving another message on the clinic doctor’s machine. He picks up, cuts me off while I’m leaving it he says, “I don’t understand why you keep calling me.” “You’re not my patient anymore.” “And I say, “Excuse me?” “And he says “You, you… When you started with me”, “when you started with me, you signed paperwork, it said,” “if you don’t see me for a certain number of weeks,” “then I am no longer responsible for you.” “I am not liable for you.” And I cut him off, “I say hold on. Okay.” “Let me, let me just cop to this.” “If you say I signed that piece of paper, I’m sure I did.” “I’m certain you’re correct about that.” “But please just keep in mind that” “the first day I saw you, I signed a lot of pieces of paper.” “I was also 22 years old.” “I was suicidal, and I was terrified.” “So pardon me,” “if I don’t remember every piece of paper that I signed.” “And even if that is the case,” “that’s how you handle this?” “You just chose…” “to not pick up the phone?” “I’ve told you more about me “than I’ve ever told anybody. “You know I am further away from my family than I’ve ever been, “and you chose to not… “pick up the phone. That is… really fucked up.” And… I wind up… talking about this situation with a-a coworker, and she puts me in touch with… with her shrink. I get like a last minute emergency appointment. And I see this guy, I’m really freaked out, telling him what’s going on, and he stops me about five minutes into the session, he stops me, and goes, “Hold on.” “I’m gonna calm you down. “I’m gonna write you your prescription right now, “right in front of you, so you know that you have these. Because you need these.” And I’m quoting him when he says, “Your doctor in New Jersey… sounds like an asshole.” That’s his professional diagnosis of his peer. That job’s up. I come back East. I see the clinic doctor again. I say, “Get me off these pills, man.” “Because I can only get ’em from you, “and I’ll never trust you again. I-I just won’t. Get me off the pills.” And I do, I wean off the pills at the end of 2004, safely. And 2004 to 2007, good years, honestly. No complaints at all. I-I move to New York, start picking up jobs, none of them are the dream, but I’m inching closer. Writing gigs, weird ones. At one point, I’m hired to write jokes for the NFL Player Chad Ochocinco. Nobody, to this day, nobody has ever explained to me why a member of the Cincinnati Bengals needed jokes, but I’ll take your money, I don’t care. I’ll take that cash, give me that. I get acting… I start getting acting work. I’m getting mostly commercials, mostly commercials. If you search my name on YouTube, to this day, you go deep enough in the search results, you can still find a very annoying commercial for H&R Block where I wear lederhosen. You can find that. And, I once auditioned for a Subway Sandwich commercial to play the role of. “Man Who Is Unattractive to Women.” That was the character’s name in the script. They couldn’t even call him Doug or something like that. I didn’t book that part, I’m assuming because… And I’m home one day. I’m in Woodside, Queens where I live at the time, and I’m in my underwear and a T-shirt. I’m eating cereal, not because it’s breakfast time, but because the gas has been disconnected from my stove. Not even because I’m broke, I just forgot to pay it a few times and they turned it off, and I’m like, whatever, I don’t care, who cares, and it stayed off for a year and a half. And… It’s true. My phone rings. My phone rings. It’s a 212 number I don’t recognize. “Hello?” “Hey buddy, how’s it going?” “It’s all right… I’m sorry, who is this?” “Seth Meyers!” Now, I-I just want to be very clear. Seth Meyers is behaving as if he and I have spoken on the telephone before. This is not the case. “Oh, um… Is everything okay?” “Yeah, actually, I wanted to run something past you. “We have a little extra money in the budget this year. Do you want to come be a writer at Saturday Night Live?” “Yeah… I do.” Turns out, I have a two-week guest writer contract at SNL. Next thing I know, I’m at 30 Rockefeller Center. I’m walking the halls with all the pictures of the past hosts. It’s like Steve Martin, Tom Hanks. Jason Priestley? Really? Like what, you know? I’m staying up all night. I’m staying up all night, working on sketches with the cast and the writers, it’s like so hands-on. It’s so fun. It’s everything we’ve all read about in the too many oral histories of that show. Then the two weeks is up, and it goes away. And they’re nice about it, they’re cool. They’re like, “Yeah, we like what you do, it’s just not what we do, you know?” It’s not a great match. This job’s not for you.” And man, does the bottom fall out. And I want to be clear. I need to be clear. I’m not trying to stand up here in front of you guys, going, “Oh. Poor me. I didn’t get a cool job.” That’s not the issue. The issue actually is… that I did get the job and nothing changed. Nothing. I spent my whole adult life chasing jobs, that’s just what I did, and I always figured you get one of those jobs, you know, like one of those brass ring jobs everybody’s trying to grab onto. You’ve got to feel so validated, right? Like everyone has to recognize how amazing you are. That didn’t happen, and I knew in my heart, I knew even if that had worked out long term, that was never going to happen. No job can change the fact that I don’t have it together enough to have a functioning stove. Comedy does not exist to fix me. Maybe, just maybe, banking my entire emotional health on a successful career in the arts wasn’t a good idea. And the next few months, bad, bad. Ends with me having an attack that lasts for four days, unbroken, four days long. It’s the longest one I’ve ever had. It was brutal. And my roommate at the time, starts making me sleep on the couch, and then, he’s making sure I fall asleep before he does. He thinks I’m gonna hurt myself. And on the fourth day, he says, “Dude, don’t put me in this position anymore, man. “You gotta… You gotta find help, man. I’m getting really scared.” And this is a guy who grew up in Chicago, and like doesn’t, he doesn’t get scared. He doesn’t… he never… he’s… He didn’t want to go to the hospital when he had fucking kidney stones. He’s never been scared. Gets through to me, and I do what he says, and I reach out to some doctors, and that’s when I find Barb. And guess what, guys? Everything’s great now, because… “He’s melancholy, she’s quirky, but it works!” Gethard and Barb, coming to ABC Family this fall! Family friendly sitcom. I wish… I wish it was like we sail off into the sunset when I meet my weirdo shrink, but… that… that would be very disingenuous actually. Because that would imply that meeting Barb has somehow healed me, and that’s… not the case at all. I still take pills everyday as soon as I wake up, every night right before bed. I’ve gotten past this tough guy “I won’t need the pills some day” thing. It’s medicine, I take it, it’s fine. And I still get depressed, pretty frequently, actually. Although, I think you’ll be happy to hear, nine times out of ten, when it shows up now, I can handle my depression how we all handle a cold. You know, like there’s days, there’s days where you wake up and you’re just like… “Ugh, I feel like this, ugh, okay.” And then you move on, right? You do what you have to do, you go to work. I’m lucky enough to come here as my work. You guys go to offices where you GChat people, it’s like, you know, you do what you do. I can handle my depression that way, because I take my medicine, and because I have worked very hard, and because I lean on Barb. With her help, I have decided that at the very least, I would love it… if this wasn’t the thing that kills me. I can say that now. And since she came up again, since I mentioned Barb one more time, I want to make sure you guys know, Barb is well aware of this show. She knows all about it. I was… I was really up front with her, actually. I say, I go, “Barb.” “One of the running themes of this show,” “one of the ideas that I return to again and again,” “is that you’re not great at your job.” “Is that okay with you?” And she says, “Yeah, whatever.” She goes “I think you should work on it, like, it sounds like a good challenge.” “If you can make that stuff funny, it’ll be more gratifying than the usual bullshit jokes you write.” She goes, “I actually think it’s a really good idea.” “I think it’s such a good idea that you “should come to Mexico, “live in my house, and you and me will write the show together.” And I go “No!” She says, “Why?” I’m like, “You have to pretend to be a real doctor one fucking time!” What are we even talking about? But even with her in my life, even with someone like Barb, who I so clearly trust, and enjoy as much as I do, stuff still goes down every once in a while. The last really major incident I had, it was in 2012. I’d been seeing Barb for five full years by then. I fell off the wagon that year. I performed comedy at a music festival called Bonnaroo, and after the show, a bunch of the comedians wanted to celebrate, and they say, “Hey, we think we’re gonna do some MDMA.” And I said, “Oh, I’ve heard of that, right. “MDMA, they call that Molly. “That’s the stuff Ecstasy is made out of, right? “Like, I’ve heard that’s very fun.” And they’re like, “It’s so fun, and it’s actually super relaxed, man. It’s very chill.” Like, “I don’t know, like, maybe.” And I’m like, “You know what, I haven’t had a drink in many years at this point”, “clearly I can demonstrate some self-control now. I think I’m gonna try some MDMA.” And I do. I try it and I like it. I like it a lot. I’m like, “Wow, my skin is so… tingly, “and I had no idea that a fire hydrant, and me, and God are actually the same thing.” Never knew any of that. I like it so much that over the next 36 hours, I personally eat $300 worth of MDMA. Which we just heard some users gasp at. Because you guys know, that’s too much MDMA. It also was explained to me later, I guess it’s well-known amongst people who use this drug that you’re gonna get depressed in the days after you do it. This is like a thing everybody knows about this drug. I would not have taken it if I had known that. I suffer from lifelong massive depression issues. All I needed to do to avoid a completely fucked up summer, was just take out my phone and just Google, “MDMA, what happens?” That’s it! I didn’t even put in that much work and everything goes haywire. I-I get back to New York. I break up with this girl who I’ve been seeing for years, and I move out on that roommate who I think saved my life, and I start staying out all the time. I’m partying like seven nights a week. I start sleeping around, which, we’ve known each other for, like, an hour. You guys know that that’s not me. I am well aware that I look like I wandered off the pages of a children’s clothing catalogue. I know that. But I’m… I’m charming… I’m not gonna claim I’m charming all of New York City that summer, but I’m definitely charming significant portions of both Greenpoint and Williamsburg. That is true. It turns out, looking vaguely like Ira Glass goes a long way in Brooklyn. It does, it turns out. Turns out. There was one girl who I could not charm, and I remember it very well because it, it actually hurt, it hurt… it hurt pretty bad. There was this group of friends, we always went out dancing, that was our thing, and this one girl, she was this leggy redhead punk rocker. I thought she was the coolest, and we live in the same neighborhood, so, walking home same direction, you know, and the vibe is there. I decide to make the move. And she goes… “Pfft!” I’m like… But we’re friends. We’re friends, and she’s like, “Yeah, I mean, like, no offense, like, maybe someday, but come on, dude, you got to get your shit together.” And I’m like, “Oh that, yeah.” “Absolutely no argument from me. “You are very perceptive. I only like you more now,” it was one of those, you know? And I tricked Barb that summer… mostly via lying. Because I told her, I told her I did the drugs, and she asked if I was okay, and I just said yeah. I didn’t tell her everything was spiraling out of control. She had no idea. I was hiding it. She didn’t know I was behaving really erratically, very out of character. If she had known that, she would have done a lot of things differently. She says to me that summer, “Hey, I think you have ADD. I want to put you on Adderall.” And I say, “Yep!” Because I don’t know much about Adderall except that college kids abuse it, and it was that kind of summer, man. It really was. It turns out, Adderall is an amphetamine. I didn’t really… I didn’t know that. It’s an amphetamine. Scientifically speaking, it’s not that different from meth. And that summer I basically become a meth head. I’m popping Adderall like jelly beans. I am eating 60 milligrams of Adderall every day. Which we just heard a grad student gasp at. We heard it. Good luck on your thesis. I hope it goes well. Now this drug, I’m not trying to throw this drug under the bus, it can really turn people’s lives around, it really can. I was abusing it. I deserved all the weird side effects that I got, and there were many, there were many. Anything that happened to my body that summer, if I Google Adderall, comma, whatever’s happening, it comes up. Like, “Adderall…” Can’t get a boner.” Yep. “Adderall… Boner will not go away.” Yep. “Adderall… Shitting blood.” Yep. Turns out that Adderall can make you, like, very dehydrated, and… and hypertense, and that gives you these internal hemorrhoids, and then what happens… is like, let’s say maybe like, like maybe you’re not eating enough fiber, you know, or like, you got some stressful stuff going on. You go, you’re not hydrated, you push, they burst, the blood. Did you guys have any questions or…? Are you good? Okay. You’re good? Great, good, good. Good, everybody’s good, guys. Everybody’s good. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I go to see a doctor about this problem. He bends me over a table. He takes a device that, I’m not kidding, is called an “Anoscope.” He inserts it into me, then recoils and says, “Wow! You have particularly beefy hemorrhoids.” So that’s been said to me. So that summer, I start doing as many shows as I can, ’cause comedians in New York, we’re really lucky. If I want to do five, six, seven shows a night, I can do that in this town, I’m lucky. You know, that’s if I want to break my back, and as you guys know, if I… If I don’t want people asking me what’s going on I keep myself way too busy. So one Sunday night, I’m on stage, at the Upright Citizens Brigade, where I came up. I’m in an improv show there. It’s called Asssscat. It’s been running for 20 years, and it’s a pretty notorious show. Mostly because famous people do it, like the SNL cast, or different sitcom stars when they’re around, drop in, mess around, do improv. That’s important, it’s a mess around show. It’s not… If you go and no one’s taking it seriously, I’m warning you now, like, people make fun of each other, sell each other out, people will be drinking on stage. It’s fun though. It’s like, it’s not a good show. It’s-it’s-it’s good people intentionally doing a bad show. It’s fun… It’s like the comedy equivalent of the NBA All-Star game in that way. Which even if you don’t like basketball, I’m begging you, watch the All-Star game. It is my favorite thing all year. You get all the best basketball players on the entire planet, no exaggeration, and they show up in the same arena, and then they’re like, “You know what? “This doesn’t count in the standings. “Shoot from half court, nobody play defense, who gives a shit about this!” And its really fun, man. It’s really fun. And… I’m in a scene… with another actor, and he makes a joke about me. Fair game, that happens every… every week in this show, people make jokes about each other, you know, let it go, who cares? But… but that summer, I-I-I just can’t handle it. I… I don’t even remember what I say, but his response is, “Well at least, I can straighten my arms,” and he’s referring to this. I don’t know if you noticed that about me. I got this thing going on, my mom has it, and she passed it on to me, and it sucks, but who cares. Let it go, make fun of him back, move on, that’s how the show works. You know, but… but that summer, I feel like, “Man”, “all these people are laughing at what I think is this really hideous thing about me.” And when that thought, enters my brain, my breath just goes… And the… heat… and the pins… and needles, and this is happening on stage, and that… that’s never, that’s never happened before, and I-I-I can’t… let all these people see this, and… I don’t know what to do. So, I turn around and I leave. I walk, I walk offstage. In the middle of the show, I leave, and… people always want to know, people always ask me, “Who said the thing about ya? Who said that joke about your arms?” They always want to know, and I have not wanted to share it, because famous people do get involved in that show, and I don’t want this thing with my name on it to be reduced to, like, TMZ gossip bullshit. But… during our stage run of the show, like, we took audience feedback sometimes, and people expressed that they were very dissatisfied by that, and they were passionate about it, to a weird degree. Like multiple people used the word, “cheated.” And one guy… one guy used the phrase, “blue balled.” I’m like, “Calm down.” Calm down, you know, so… So what I’ve done, and I want to honor it even here is, I’ve come up with this game as a compromise, where every single time I perform this show I give one hint, and then it’s up to you guys. Is that… is that okay? If I give you one hint? Man: Yeah! Great. Here’s your one hint. He played a character named Kenneth the Page on 30 Rock. So, put on your detective hats and see what you can do. I walk off stage. This mystery actor follows me. And he’s behind me in the tech booth at UCB. This is a long, narrow hallway, he’s behind me, he’s mad, and I get it, I do. He’s like, “Dude, that’s how the show works, man, you can’t do this.” “Like, we both look bad. “You look like a baby. You’re making me look like a bully, man. “This is not cool,” and… he’s correct about that. He is correct about that. And we… I want to make sure you guys know, he and I had already been very tight friends for over ten years at the point, and we’re still friends today. He lives in Los Angeles now, and he still texts me every single year on my birthday, which is way more than you get from most of your friends that move to Los Angeles. It is. He’s a good guy, very good guy. Good friend, and he did not have ill intentions. But he also hadn’t seen me yet. He’s been behind me this whole time. We get to the Green Room, I turn around, I don’t even say a word, and he goes, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Because 10 years of friendship, he understands, I deal with this stuff, and as soon as he looks me in the eye, he realizes that. I… am not even there. So, he says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” And I say, “It’s okay.” “It’s not your fault. “It’s just been a really, rough summer… Jack McBrayer.” So I push past the mystery actor, and I leave UCB, and I get in my car. I should not be driving like this, but I’m… I’m freaking out, and I’m making random turns, I have no plan, and the next thing I know, I’m in the Lincoln Tunnel, I’m headed to Jersey. I don’t know why. I haven’t lived in Jersey in ten years at this point, but that will always be my home, and-and-and maybe if I get out there, I’ll calm down. I do, and I don’t. It’s just getting even worse. I gotta try something else. And the next thing I… I do is I put on The Smiths. Because when you’re 32 years old… you’re having a night like that, and you hear lyrics like, ♪ Sing me to sleep ♪ ♪ Sing me to sleep ♪ ♪ I’m tired, and I ♪ ♪ I wanna go to bed ♪ ♪ Don’t feel bad for me ♪ ♪ I want you to know ♪ ♪ Deep in the cell of my heart ♪ ♪ I will feel so glad to go ♪ ♪ There is another world ♪ ♪ There is a better world ♪ ♪ There must be ♪ On a night like that, when you hear lyrics like those you think to yourself, “Thank God. “Somebody else knows this impulse, and he’s not calling me a fucking coward.” So I make a bunch of random turns, and eventually I wind up in Weehawken, New Jersey. I don’t know why. I don’t really know much about Weehawken. I know more now ’cause of Lin-Manuel Miranda. But there’s these cliffs, there’s these cliffs in Weehawken. They overlook the Hudson River, and the Manhattan skyline. I am on the cliff, I think… I should jump, and instead I sit… on this bench all by myself, and I cry. And I do want to make sure you guys know though, that’s the best view of the Manhattan skyline you’re ever gonna see. It is, somebody knows, a few people know. Boulevard East, Weehawken, New Jersey, stunning view, overwhelming view. You take a date out there, you’ll blow their mind. You’re gonna hook up that night, trust your boy, Gethard, on that one. Trust your boy. Don’t tell your date you found out about it in a suicide show. Here’s how I know it’s a really good date spot. I’m sitting on this bench all by myself crying, and these two couples are walking towards me. They’re on the promenade, along the cliff. One of these couples, they’re on a double date, very, very clearly on a double date, that’s the vibe. One of these couples sits… right here… on my bench. The other couple… sits here on my bench, and they’re talking, and they’re joking and they’re laughing, and no one mentions the crying 32-year-old man… who’s also on the bench, and I’m like, “What’s going on?” “Can they not even see me? “They can’t even see me. “I must be a ghost. I’m the ghost of Weehawken, New Jersey.” I stand up off my crying bench. I’m like, “I’m a ghost, and nobody can even see me”, “and if that is true, then that means I can do whatever I want “because if nobody can even see me, then there’s not even consequences to my actions.” And I wander around Weehawken for a few hours in this manic haze, and it’s bad. There’s a steakhouse, up on the cliff, fancy place, you can imagine, it overlooks the Manhattan skyline. And I need to be clear, I don’t actually say any of the following. I am thinking all of the following thoughts, I never verbalize them, I don’t say a word, but I enter this steakhouse. I-I start walking up to tables, and in my head, I’m like, “Bro, you got a… “burger at a steakhouse? “Come on, man. What are… What are you doing? “Your date’s gonna think you’re cheap, man. “Scallops, nice. “How come seafood’s always good at a steakhouse? “I’ve never really… “understood that. “A steak at a steakhouse. “Thank you. “Do we see how it’s done, everybody? Do we see how it’s done?” But again, I don’t actually say any of that. So all these people in this expensive restaurant see is a crying, 32-year-old man burst in, and go… and then leave. And it’s bizarre. It’s bizarre to the degree that I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the people there that night is doing their own one-man show just about seeing that. I wander through Weehawken for a long while more, and eventually I wind up back on my crying bench, and I don’t know what to do. So, I call Barb, and she says, “Hey, you never call me at night”, or on the weekends? What’s going on?” And I said, “Barb, I-I…” “I lost it on stage. “I-I-I couldn’t breathe. This guy… he made a joke about me, Jack McBrayer, is his name, and…” “I’m in… I’m in Weehawken now, “and I-I don’t even really know how I got here, “but there were scallops involved, “and now I’m up on a cliff, and I can’t… feel my face, but I’m up on a… I’m up on a cliff.” And… and she stops me, she goes, “Let me… Let me ask you a couple of questions. “Compared to a few hours ago, “do you feel like you’re headed in the right direction, or the wrong one?” And I say “I feel like total garbage still”, “but I mean I guess if you make me consider it like that “I guess I do feel slightly better, I mean, I guess I’m headed in the right direction.” And she says, “That’s good”, and it’s good you called me, right?” And I say, “Yeah.” And she says, “We’ll talk about it on Thursday.” Which is not the correct thing to say… when you have a historically suicidal patient call you from a cliff. But she knows me really well. She knows how I’m gonna react. As soon as she says it, the spell lifts because I realize it’s Sunday. It’s actually after midnight, technically it’s Monday. I-I can make it to Thursday. Even if I feel this horrible the entire time, I-I-I can do that. When you put it like that, I can… I can do that. I can make it to Thursday. And I’ll tell you something about my life. My life’s taken this very… unexpected turn the past few years, because I started talking about this stuff in… in my comedy, um, a little bit. Never as in-depth as I’m doing with this show. And I’ve… I’ve written. I’ve written about this side of myself a couple times online, and-and-and this has led to a situation I never saw coming. Where I am not exaggerating when I say that at this point, I’ve now received thousands of e-mails, Facebook messages, any way people get in touch, they do, and they’re people who need help, and a lot of times, I swear to you, they don’t even know I’m a comedian. They don’t know anything about me, they’ll just Google who’s willing to talk about this stuff, and this thing I wrote comes up, and-and-and so often they are really young, and they need help. And you’ll be happy to hear any time somebody asks me for help, I say the same thing straight away, I go look, “First things first, “I’m not a professional, “and it’s not like I can tell you something my shrink told me, because she’s not really a professional either.” But when I… when I answer these messages, especially when they’re from young kids, I almost always find myself telling them some version of that Thursday story, and I say for me it was that, it was a length of time that I needed to last. For you, maybe it’s a place where you feel safe. Or a person you feel okay opening up to. I don’t know. It probably will not be that easy. You don’t get to pick what breaks you. You really cannot predict what’s going to save you, but please keep your eyes peeled for it. Please, because I bet that its out there, and I bet you can find yours, because I found mine, and I never dreamed, I’d be strong enough to say that. I mean, there were 15 years of my life, you guys have heard about ’em tonight, 15 years, where the entire time for 15 years, I was just completely convinced that I was never gonna feel better. And now, when I call my mom, she doesn’t have to be scared, and I’m not wasting all this time pretending comedy is gonna fix me somehow. It’s not. This isn’t the type of thing that gets fixed, you just, you’ll live with it. And I don’t hide it anymore. I never have to hide it from anyone ever again, because my wife has seen this stuff at its worst, and she still loves me… And I… still love that leggy redheaded punk rocker… even if she doesn’t know how to close a goddamn cabinet door. I get another type of e-mail too, though. I-I get another type of e-mail all the time. It’s from people who aren’t the ones actually suffering from this stuff, but they see it. They’re around it. It’s in their lives. They say… they say “My cousin”, “my coworker, “my friend, I’m watching them, “I’m watching them deal with this really horrible thing, and I want to help, but…” Then they always add this caveat, and it drives me nuts. They say, “I really want to help, “but I don’t want to mess anything up. I wouldn’t want to make it worse.” And that gets under my skin. And those people, I almost always find myself telling them about the clinic doctor, from back in the day, that clinic doctor. I say you sound too much like that guy right now. He never wanted to be responsible for messing anything up. He refused to be liable should anything get worse, and that’s why he needed everything to be so correct. I say, “Don’t be like that.” Be like Barb.” “She doesn’t give a fuck what’s correct.” But she really… always… tries to do what’s right. And when it came down to it, she chose to pick up the phone, and that’s why I have… so much love for her, and it’s why I always will. Even though… she once told me… that in the 1970s… she starred in a pornographic film. ♪ To give yourself a little bit of hope’s a lie ♪ ♪ You said we’re just spinning where we stand ♪ ♪ And if you cling to tokens for your life ♪ ♪ You find ♪ ♪ You wind up with imaginary men ♪ ♪ Static transmit me ♪ ♪ To the other side of another room ♪ ♪ In pieces ♪ ♪ Like a steady beating ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The telescopic pull ♪ ♪ Of what you know’s a lie ♪ ♪ It’s broken down a hundred thousand times ♪ ♪ The parts collapse ♪ ♪ In caving, they’re inside ♪ ♪ The atmosphere ♪ ♪ We’re carving out our names ♪ ♪ Into the air ♪ ♪ You are a runner ♪ ♪ The steady balance as you’re gaining in speed ♪ ♪ A photograph to scale the thrashing of your feet ♪ ♪ And it won’t be over ♪ ♪ Until the big, backhand of the sun ♪ ♪ Beats the tar out of the road you are on ♪ ♪ Until it’s won you ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪ ♪ The summer hurts ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DOUG STANHOPE: FEAR OF AN EMPTY BED [TRANSCRIPT]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-fear-of-an-empty-bed-transcript/

Comedy Central, Oct 4, 2016 After a bad breakup, Doug Stanhope’s rebound relationship with a beautiful woman runs into an unexpected obstacle. Ladies and gentlemen, so excited to bring him up. Finally doing my show. From the–the host of “The Doug Stanhope Podcast,” Mr. Doug Stanhope! This story is about relationships, and I’m pretending to read it out of my book that just came out, called Digging Up Mother: A Love Story. Foreword by Johnny Depp. There’s a chick– uh, a lady I used to date in the late ’90s. She was out of my league. She was a, uh, former child star. One of “People” magazine’s 50 most beautiful people in the world, but not one of mine. But she was, uh–yeah, she was out of my league. Bu–we had nothing in common. I don’t know if you remember the old Coach & Horses. It’s now called the Pikey. It was this shitty dive bar down on Sunset, and that’s where I hung out. I just lived there. Slumped over with my seahorse posture at the bar and this fucking A-lister chick, she was hanging out with the Kennedys and going to dinner with Rod Stewart, and I’m not invited. I’m down fucking off at the Coach & Horses with the schlubs and– The relationship ended where she had– she took some crazy flight– “I’m going to the Cannes Film Festival.” Really? Can I come? “No.” And I know that she has this big shot, global A-list ex-boyfriend over there that… what, I can’t come, but you’re– you’re gonna be with that guy? And–and she came back… And the long version is in the book. Doug Stanhope, Digging Up Mother, available now on Amazon. She comes back and she– I said, “So were you with that guy?” And she goes, “Yeah, I saw him.” And I said, “Did you fuck him?” I just cornered her. Just said it. “Did you fuck him?” And she said, “No.” But then she continued on with, “But I gave him a blow job in his car.” You could have just stopped after “No.” Like, technically, you wouldn’t be lying. You wouldn’t be perjuring yourself. You didn’t have to give me the blow job in the car. I can’t tell you who the guy is, but I’ll tell you what he does for a living. He’s the prince of [bleep]. So I’ll just leave it vague. That’s not in the book, because the lawyers wouldn’t allow it. Now you know the rest of the story. So I go out on–the– you– you get dumped like that, and you want to get revenge pussy. Like, I’m gonna go drop my dick into any vacant hole in town. Fuck. But all my sewer grade options were– They don’t tally up with the fucking prince of [bleep]. Gonna fuck a Denny’s waitress– No, you– So I–there used to– I don’t know if it still exists. There was a– a club called The Union down on Sunset, and they did comedy. So I went down, I had a show scheduled, I show up for an 8:00 show, but they’re late. They haven’t unlocked the doors. So there’s a group of people– I can put this book down now, right, probably? The book, “Digging”– You get it. You get it. So I’m outside of this club, waiting to go inside, and–and they’re closed. But there’s a group of people gathered, and, uh, there’s a girl alone that was probably, to this day, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. “People” magazine wasn’t there, you know. And she asked me for a cigarette, which triples the attraction. Like, a girl that hot that’s not trying? Like, fuck yeah! She’s not a Hollywood chick– this is an actual hot chick, and she bums a cigarette, and I start some small talk. I’m not good at it, but I–I– Uh, what comic are you here to see? Hoping she doesn’t say the wrong name, ’cause the last thing that you want to hear is a fuckin’ hot girl say she’s here to see a shitty comic. That would just break your heart. So we have a repertoire. We’re talking. And we carry this inside the bar when they open it, and we sit down, and she’s drinking whiskey straight, and matching me or better. For every beer I drink, she’s a whiskey or two ahead of me. And I’m– this it the fucking– this is…perfect! And I didn’t tell her that I was a comedian or that I was doing the show. We’re just sitting there getting hammered, and drinking, and I just waited till they announced my name, and then just, “Hey, I’ll be back in ten minutes. Just hold my seat.” And I go up, and I fucking destroyed. I just went, hey, hang on. I go–and then I go up, I destroyed. It was like the scene from Anchorman where he plays the jazz flute. And I just, “Oh, yeah, I’ll…” And I fucking crushed. It was the best kill move. Came offstage, sat back down at the bar beside her like nothing happened. So anyway, where were we? I’m not fucking smooth, but I was– If I can’t close this deal, I don’t deserve the paper. So we’re shit-faced, I bring her down to the Coach & Horses, which she loves, unlike the girl that dumped me. Yeah, she’s fuckin’ all about dive bars, and I introduce her to all my friends there, and– quickly, ’cause I don’t want them to steal her. And we spend the night together, and, uh, at my apartment. I wake up to a– a noncommittal, but nice note with a phone number. And, um… Rebound pussy… Sometimes you cling to that with ten times the zeal of the relationship you’re recovering from just for fear of an empty bed. I need you back. And it turns out she just– she was living three blocks behind the Coach & Horses and she became a regular at my bar. With everybody hitting on her. And I have no claim to that. Like, I fucked her once, so she’s like, “Yeah, “fucked you, nice to– Here’s a note. Fucked you. That was fun.” So I–I don’t have a claim, but– she’s not my girlfriend, but that’s my rebound pussy, and everyone at the bar is now hitting on her now that she’s a regular, and even if I did have claim to her, no one would have– she could be actively sucking my dick at the bar while we’re getting married at the same time, and dudes would still be going, “What are you doing later?” I got– And there was one night where I– I didn’t want to be aggressive with her. Like, I’m hands-off, but there was one night– There was a group of regulars back then at the bar that I knew. There’s three levels of regulars. There’s the guy that you hug when you come in, there’s the one that you high-five, and then there’s the one you nod at. This one guy, Lorca was his name. Lorca, he was a nodder. He was a third level regular. And he was this brooding, dour drunk. He was a runty little fuck, and–and when he’d get drunk, he’d just– he was always– he looked like he was always at the edge of a fistfight, and he just… But he was always sitting with– Renee was the girl, the beautiful girl, and he–I–I noticed he’s sitting with her a lot, and I thought–is– is she fucking him? But I can’t ask. She’s just a girl I fucked, but she’s everything I need. I need you now. I can’t be alone with the fucking carnival in my head in my bed. There was a night where we ended up playing cat and mouse, where… they were sitting together, and he’d get up to get a drink, and I’d sneak in, and try to get her over to my table, or she’d get up to take a piss and I’d strategically locate myself by that end of the bar so when she came out of the bathroom, “Hey, I bought you a drink. Come over this way. Fuck that guy. Come this way.” And it was a– it was a long night of drinking, where I noticed Lorca was leering at me. And I’ve–I’ve seen him do this every night that I sit at this bar, but tonight I think, is– is he trying to mad dog me? I-is he– or is he just fucked up? But he’s just staring at me. He’d come up to my table and lean on it. I was like, maybe he’s just fucked up. And at that point, uh, my, uh, friends Matt Becker and big fat Ralphie May, if you know big fat Ralphie May, they show up, and I go, I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, but is this guy trying to start shit with me? Like, look at how he’s looking at me. And they’re both more paranoid that me. And big fat Ralphie May, “Yeah, Dougie Stanhope. “Yeah. Yeah, that guy’s trying to start some shit. Fuck that dude, man.” And I– I–I– But he has done nothing overtly for me to, like, step up to him and go like, “Hey, you know, that– the weird look “on your countenance is disconcerting. Can you stop that, sir?” Like, I– I have nothing to say, but I– I-I’m sad that I’m such a coward. Like, I– Do I have to man-up to this dude? Like, the–he’s done nothing. I’m s–I’m–I’m sad that I’m so deluded by this girl that I don’t even know if I have to be brave in the first place. I just–I just want the girl. So I just let it ruin my night while he’s staring at me and I’m staring at him and I’m staring at her and I don’t know how to fuckin’ close the deal. So at one point, they call, “Last call. You’re welcome to be invited to get the fuck out of our bar.” We all funnel out and I’m still trying to figure out how I can close the deal. Or if I’m gonna have to fucking fight a dude? I don’t–I don’t… So we walk out of the bar. Ralphie May, Matt Becker, and I, we take a left to go to the car, and this dude Lorca runs out behind us to try to cross Sunset Boulevard in a hurry, and he gets killed by a speeding car. [shocked laughter] Literally knocked him out of his shoes. [laughter] I didn’t expect the story to end like that either. Thanks. [cheers and applause] * * *

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Mark Normand: Don’t Be Yourself (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mark-normand-dont-be-yourself-transcript/

Mark Normand: One minute. Amy Schumer: Mark, listen. I know exactly what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, this is my first hour special and I’m freaking out and I don’t deserve it. And you’re thinking you’re not funny enough and that you’re not good-looking enough for television. And just– you need to quiet all of those thoughts. You have every right to be here. And it’s not just that I’m producing it for you that they let you do it. And, yeah, you’re just average height and weight and… very forgettable-looking, but it’s not about that. It’s about comedy. Tonight’s about jokes. Jokes that aren’t good enough that you’re about to tell. But I don’t want you to think about any of that right now. Don’t let anything get in the way up here. ‘Cause you are better than everyone says you are. Now, you’re just gonna go out there and kill it. What are you gonna do? Save your voice. Okay. You’re gonna be so good. Uhh! I don’t regret this. I didn’t try to back out. Okay. [door closes] [cheers and applause] Amy Schumer: Me! It’s me! What a great crowd! Yes! Thank you, guys, so much for coming. Welcome to one of the best nights of your goddamned life, okay? Welcome. We’re gonna have so much fun tonight. I am so proud to welcome to the stage one of my favorite all-time comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Mark Normand! [cheers and applause] ♪♪ Thanks. Thank you. Get out of here. Hey. All right. How you doing? Yeah, all right. Jesus Christ, thanks. Thanks for coming, huh? Yes, uh, I feel bad, this is such a big event, I’m a little hung over. Isn’t that amazing, you know, we still can’t prevent a hangover. We’ve all this medical research. I’ve tried the water, I’ve tried the pills. Nothing works. We can prevent children. [laughter] Right? We can’t prevent a hangover, you know? At least some people want kids. I’ve never woken up like, whoo, I am really hung over, but you know what? I think I want to keep it. [laughter] Yeah, I gotta cut back on the sauce, man. I blacked out last week. That’s embarrassing. I’m too old for that. I told my roommate, he’s like, “Ooh, you blacked out, ugh.” “That means you forgot to brush your teeth last night.” I was like, wow, that is the least of my worries. Yeah. I’m more concerned with the lipstick I’m wearing and why I sent my mom a dick pic. Yeah, she was like, oh, family plan. [laughter] These hangover, you know, people always talk about how honest you are when you’re drunk. You hear that a lot. Got that guy drunk, he’ll tell you anything. I feel like I’m way more honest when I’m hung over. When I’m drunk, I can lie all day. Cops like, “You been drinking?” I’m like, “No way, aah.” When I’m hung over, that’s when I’m honest. My life’s in shambles, I have nothing to live for, yeah? Yeah, your friend’s like, “You wanna get brunch?” You’re like, uhh. I’ve never liked you. [laughter] Everything’s a lie when you’re drunk, you know? You’re like, hey, it’s the best night ever, these are my good friends and she’s super hot. Then you wake up, like, aw, it’s a waste of time, I spent too much money and that’s a dude. [laughter] Yeah. I don’t know, I guess I’m an alcoholic. You know? If I’m gonna be addicted to any drug, though, I’m glad it’s alcohol, you know? Just so easy to get. Right? Yeah, it’s crazy, like… I think that’s why alcohol’s the only drug you pour out for dead friends. You know? Yeah. [laughter] You would never do that with, like, cocaine, you know? You’re like, well, we should pour a little— whoa, whoa, we all love Greg, but that shit’s expensive, all right? Take it easy. [cheering and applause] See, I drink a lot, but I still get my, uh, my stuff done, you know? I’m what you’d call a functioning alcoholic. Any functioning alcoholics here? [cheering] Yeah, all right. Yeah, hey. Yeah. We get a bad rap, huh? Why is it a negative term, right? We’re actually harder at working than everyone else, you know? We’re doing the same stuff you’re doing… drunk. All right? Where’s our parade? What, Bob showed up to work on time. Screw Bob. I slept here. [laughter] We’re tough, we don’t bitch. Susie didn’t show up because she has the flu. Well, I have disease and I’m keeping it a secret. All right. Where’s my plaque, huh? Yeah. I don’t know. Hmm… Yeah. I was hung over on a flight the other day. That’s the worst. Ooh. Flight hung over. Oh, God. I hate flying. That’s the only part of this job I hate. I like a train. Give me an Amtrak any day. No bag check, no security. It’s almost like they’ve never heard of a terrorist. Yeah, all right? Aww. I hate flying. Flying is so high-maintenance. Flying’s got high-maintenance girl. Like, you want to get inside me, you get here an hour early, take your shoes off and do a body scan. You’re like, Jesus Christ. Good Lord. Not a train. A train’s like a drunk chick. Like, get a beer, get in here! [Native American whooping] No security on a train whatsoever. You could walk on a train with three suitcases full of cocaine, like, hey, if you see something, say something. Choo choo! This is how sad and desperate trains are: trains don’t ask to see your ticket until the train has left the station, right? They’ve already started moving and then they ask. How much of a fuck could they really give? “Tickets, please.” “I don’t have one.” “Well, you gotta buy one now.” “I don’t have any money.” “We’ll figure it out.” “All right. Yeah.” “Enjoy Newark. All right, yeah.” I just hate flying. They’ve ruined it. It’s so nerve-racking. Every flight’s an anxiety attack, you know? Every time I have a flight, I feel like it’s my first day of class all over again. I’m eight years old, I’m back at school, you know? You’re on that plane, single-file line, book bag on, just trying to find your seat, you know? Then you finally get your seat, people pull out snacks and start farting. Right? Yeah? Right? And the flight attendant, she’s terrifying. She’s like the teacher, you know? She’s kind of hovering, she’s nerve– she scares you. As she walks by, you hide your phone, pretend like you’re reading. Now she gives you a lecture: hey, seat, belt, seat belt, you know? And the pilot, he’s like the principal. He’s up in his office, comes on the loudspeaker, you know? Right? You don’t really want to meet him, but you know if you do, you’re in trouble. [laughter] Right? All right? And you’re like, all right, I gotta pee. You can’t pee now. I’m 32 years old. It’s not pee time. Sit down! Jesus Christ. Good lord. Now you’re pissed. Now you’re just waiting it out. Oh, my God. Just like class. How much longer, how much longer. Jesus Christ, you’re counting the minutes. Then the plane lands, the bell rings, you grab your stuff, you fight your way through the building, you find your mum, she drives you home. Ohh. Oh, jeez, oh, come on. [cheering and applause] All right, hey. Love a train. The only flaw of a train, though– If you fall asleep on a train, they just keep going, you know? They don’t know where you live and they don’t care. Right? Every time I wake up on a train, I look like a rufie victim. I’m like, where are we? Who is he? I trusted you. [laughter] It’s so dramatic. Like, you miss your stop on a bus or a subway, you walk a couple of extra blocks. You miss your stop on a train, you get out and you’re like, well, I guess this is my new life. Yeah, right. I don’t know. That’s just me, though. I worry about everything. I got really bad anxiety. Horrible anxiety, riddled with anxiety. I live in the city, I don’t have a car. I just walk around everywhere. Uh… You guys ever do this one? You guys ever leave the house without headphones. Whoo! Thoughts are not good. [laughter] My God, this whole time, I thought I loved music. Turns out I just hate my brain. Just being attacked all day long with this insecurity playlist on shuffle. Aah! What are you doing with your life? You drink too much. Gonna die alone. You call that a penis? Aah! Oh, bad head. My brain is evil. Like, attacks me. It’s like a bully, you know? I’ll be at a party, hanging out, everybody’s having a good time, talking. My brain’s like, hey, you weirdo. You’re being too quiet. Everybody’s wondering why you’re such a quiet weirdo. Come on. Get in there, say something, you lunatic. Come on, you freak. Jump in, you psycho. Come on, get in there. You finally say something, your brain goes, “Whoo… that’s what you picked?” Aah. Shut up, dummy. Damn it. My brain never stops. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a horrible sleeper. That’s why I hate these bed commercials you see at 4:00 a.m. Hey, you can’t sleep. Well, how comfortable is your mattress? What’s your sleep number? How’s your firmness? You think lack of comfort’s what’s keeping me up at night and that’s the problem, really? Ha! It’s this goddamned Japanese game show I got going up here, all right? Yeah, it’s the worry, the anxiety, the dread. I don’t need a mattress designed by NASA, I need a Xanax and some self-esteem, all right? Come on. Comfort, pfft, I could sleep on a gravel road if I had a good childhood. All right? Come on. Yeah. Brain never stops. That’s why I never got these guys, it’s like, hey, I’m going to bed. I’m like, what do you mean going to bed? I gotta pass out. I can’t just go to bed, all right? What, are you cra– You want me to lay alone in a room in the dark in my underwear? That’s what screwed me up in the first place. [laughter] [applause] Yeah. Brutal. Yeah, I’m an awkward guy, very awkward. Can’t make eye contact with people. See? That was tough. Yeah. I’m working on it. It’s too intense, too intimate. I don’t know how you people do this, you know? It’s like a sign of respect to look someone in the eye. That blows my mind. It’s too much. Can’t do it. Every time I look someone in the eye, I’m like, well, I guess we’re in love now. [laughter] I feel too much. I’m a feely guy. Everything makes me uncomfortable. Certain words are hard to say. It makes me feel too weird. “I love you.” Ugh, that’s tough, huh? Whoo! I can’t say that. I can barely say “croissant.” Ugh. What a horrible word. So pretentious. Good Lord, I can barely order one. They look amazing. I’m like, “I’ll take a… muffin, screw it.” Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Socially awkward, you know? I know I’m socially awkward because I asked my friend what his biggest fear was. He said losing his child. He said, “What’s your biggest fear, Mark?” I said, “Uh… accidently hitting the FaceTime button on my phone.” [laughter] Is there a more terrifying moment in life than that? I can’t have people see me. I’m not ready. I got weird stuff going on in my room, you know? Yeah, I’m eating tuna out of a can, I got half a boner an old yearbook open. It’s weird. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Too much. I’m an introvert. Any introverts here? [cheering] Hey, all right. You guys rarely speak up. Yeah. Not fun being an introvert, you know? You just gotta get out there and fake it. Yeah. Hard around people. Most people like being around people. For us, it’s like… it’s work, it’s tough. Like, this is an introvert’s biggest fear right here. You’re hanging out with some guy you don’t really know, you’re like, “All right, man, good hanging out.” “I’m gonna take the train home.” This guy goes, “Oh, yeah, what train you taking?” [laughter] “Uh… I was gonna take the number six.” “Hey, me, too.” Fuck! [laughter] Damn it. Back on the clock. Tough to be around people. Day jobs. I don’t know how you guys do it. Nine to five, eight hours with this group. Then 5:00 rolls around, some guy goes, “Hey, we should all get drinks.” What, are you nuts? You want to hang out more? We’re done, we did it. We’re outside the walls, let’s go home. That’s not happy hour, that’s unpaid overtime. [laughter] Yeah, we like being alone, we do. You’re ever out to eat with the guys, “Hey, look at that dude sitting by himself.” You’re like, I know… [whistles] …living the dream. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It’s just that weird brain I got. Like, I want you guys to like me, but I’m scared of you. You bum me out but I need your love. Basically, what I’m saying is if you have a party, I don’t want to go, but if you don’t invite me, I’ll kill myself. [laughter] This is where I’m at. Up here, yeah. And if you don’t get these jokes, just know your life is… better than mine. I know what you guys are thinking. Come on, Mark, introvert. Talking in front of 400 people right now. Well, it’s pretty simple. This is a one-sided conversation that’s been prewritten and rehearsed over and over. And if you guys talk, you get thrown out. I can’t lose. You guys are the real heroes. You guys are the ones who just walk in your office break rooms, just bee bopping and scatting off the cuff, no net, you know? You walk in like, “Hey, Bob, how was your weekend?” I’m like, oh, it was good. How’d you know to say that? Holy hell. What’d you take an improv class? You’re like Miles Davis over here. Holy moly. Wow. Not me. I gotta prep for everything. Everything’s prepped. I see the break room 20 feet away, I’m like, all right, how you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? How you doing, Bob? Then I get in there and I panic. [stammering] Jews! Aw, fuck! God damn it! Aw! God damn it. Ugh, man. I’ve always been like this, and thank God for humor. Jesus Christ, you can get away with it. I remember one time, I was at a friend’s house for dinner and the dad goes, “Let’s all go around the table, say what we’re thankful for.” And one son was like, “Well, we’re thankful for the food on the table.” And one son was like, “Well, we’re thankful for the roof over our head.” And they’re like, “But what are you thankful for, Mark?” I was like, “Well, honestly, I’m thankful I’m not attracted to kids.” Huh? Wouldn’t that suck? Be a horrible life, you know? And everybody there was like, whoa! What the hell was that? Holy Jesus! Good Lord! And I didn’t get it. I was like, wait, why are you mad? I’m saying I’m not attracted. Not attracted. Not into them. What’s the problem? Then I got pissed, I was like, screw you guys. I’m the only one here clearly not a pedophile. [laughter] I don’t know, I think, uh… you know, you can’t be yourself all the time. That’s the problem. Especially, like, with girls and stuff. That gets ugly. The way you say what you’re thinking with a lady, that’ll put that right to bed, you know? Yeah, like, I remember one time, I was on a date with a girl, going pretty well, went back to her place, I take out a condom, she goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa… where’d you get that thing?” I was like, “Well, they were free at the bar.” She was like, “Ugh! That’s gross.” I was like, well… that’s where I got you. [laughter and applause] The girl at the bar, got the… I don’t get why that’s… Still… still not sure why that’s offensive. Yeah. There’s a lot of dating sites out there now. I think guys like the dating sites ’cause it’s tough to approach a woman. Cold, out of nowhere, especially when you’re doing this. Uh-huh. Tough! It’s a tough move. It’s why I feel like women should hit on men more. Hit on us, ladies. You can say whatever you want to a guy. I had an old lady approach me once, she goes, “Ooh, I’m gonna kidnap you.” I was like, wow, I could never say that to a woman. Oh. I said it to a lady, she calls the police. I would be curious to know what a woman could say that would offend me. Like, all right, I’m gonna take you home, drug you, take advantage of you and film it. I’d be like, all right, well, at least let me pay for the Uber. [laughter] I don’t know. I’m… I’m just jealous of you gals, you know? You have options. You have the freedom to say no. If a girl goes on a date with a guy and this guy takes out his Nazi memorabilia, she’s like, I get the hell out of here. If I go on a date with a girl and she takes out her Nazi memorabilia, I’m like, I gotta bang her and get the hell out of here. [laughter] Could be a long winter. You gotta stock up, you know? But you ladies are so sexy, you drive me crazy. Aw, you’re so hot. I just want to squeeze you. You’re so sexy with your wacky labia. I love it, aah. [laughter] This is how sexy girls are. I was having dinner once, this girl leans over during the meal and goes, “Hey… I’m not wearing any underwear.” It’s like, oh, my God, that’s hot. Then I realize, why is that sexy? Has underwear ever been a huge obstacle for a guy? Has any guy ever taken a girl’s jeans off and seen panties and been like, ooh! It’s gonna be a long night. Put a pot of coffee on, I can’t crack that code. [laughter] But that’s how hot you are, gals. You can tell by the article of clothing you’re not wearing. I can’t even see it missing, I’m already turned on. Doesn’t work for a guy. I can’t pull that off. I lean over during dinner, “Hey… I’m not wearing any underwear.” She’s gonna go, “Uh-oh… what happened?” [laughter and applause] “Laundry day, diarrhea, need a wet wipe?” “Talk to me.” I don’t know. Just tough to date now, you know? We have no patience anymore. We want everything immediately now. We want everything quick. We want Uber, Tinder, Netflix. Everything’s so quick now. They only thing we don’t want quick is sex. When’s that gonna catch up. [laughter] I was with a girl the other night, I finished kind of early, she’s like, “Hey, what’s going on here?” I was like, “Well, these are the times we’re living in.” [laughter] Come on. I don’t have the patience for your vagina to be buffering. Let’s go! You’re an analog girl in a digital world, sister. Pick it up! Yeah. Yeah, everything’s different now, you know? Like one time, I sat down with a girl, she goes– Just met her, she goes, “You don’t send dick pics, do you?” I was like, “No, no.” She’s like, “Good, dicks are gross.” [laughter] I was like, well, shit, that… that’s all I got. That was gonna be, like, my big reveal. So what the hell you doing here, you don’t like dicks? You hear that a lot from girls. Dicks are gross, dicks are gross. It’s weird to think something’s gross they’ll eventually put inside you. I don’t get that thought process. Like, I think coconut’s gross. If you see me eating one, you’re like, “What are you doing?” I’m not like, “It was charming.” [laughter] I’m not a real dick pic kind of guy, you know? You know, I don’t know if my dick is impressive enough to register well on a phone, you know? My dick’s like an indie band. You gotta see it live. All right. You gotta be in the room to really understand it. Well, I was in a relationship for like 11 years, uh, yeah, now I’m out there, scared alone, flaccid. All right? Yeah. I had to learn all the tricks of the trade again. I learned everything the hard way, you know? It’s tough. Yeah. Like, I learned that girls, they don’t like it when the guy says the word “sex” on a date. It’s like saying “bomb” at the airport. The whole thing shuts down, right? Well, we all like sex. It feels good, but can’t bring it up. The only way to get the thing you want is to pretend you don’t want it. That’s weird behavior. What if job interviews are like that? So, Mark, why do you want to work here? [blows] Who says I want to work here? [laughter] I’m just hanging out, taking it easy, yeah. All right. Yeah. I was on a date once, I was like, I’m just gonna go for it and I go, “Hey, you want to make out?” This girl goes, “Ugh, grow up.” I was like, “Okay.” “Anal?” [laughter] That’s older, right? Yeah. I can’t even imagine what that’s like, dating dudes. Whew. God, that’s gotta be awful. You could get murdered, could have a soul patch. Ugh, yeah, God. Crazy, yeah. It’s gotta be tough, but although women can say stuff men can never say, you know? Yeah, like, uh… one time I was eating dinner with a girl, I was telling a story, she cut me off mid-story. She goes, “You know what I like in a guy? I like a strong, silent type.” I was like, what? Can you imagine if a guy said that? “What do you look for in a woman?” [exhales] “Silence.” [laughter] I like a woman who’s tough and shuts the hell up. Get kicked out of society. I don’t know, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m screwed up sexually, you know? I caught my parents having sex when I was eight… 21 and today. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the idea of your parents having sex is so horrifying, isn’t it, you know? That’s why I’m surprised parents don’t use that as a threat. [laughter] Eh? Wouldn’t that be so effective? Like, “Hey, Timmy, better clean that room.” “Me and your mom are gonna go at it.” [laughter] “How’d you do on that math test, Billy?” “I got a D.” “I’ll show you some D.” “Hey! No!” [laughter and applause] Yeah, it’s tough out there. I’m seeing somebody now, but, boy, single life, yeah, that’s the real deal, you know? People are so condescending to single people. They go, “You’re single? Aww.” “Don’t you get lonely?” Like, well, sure, but how come we always assume loneliness is worse than a relationship? I feel like loneliness is a lot easier to manage, it’s definitely easy to get out of. You get lonely, call a friend, go to a movie. If you’re in a bad relationship, you’re like, well, I guess I gotta kill her. [laughter] Or him, or him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My ex… she was tough. My ex was like a real big feminist. I’m a feminist, but she was like… annoying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She would always say stuff like, “Men just judge women by their looks.” “It’s all about our looks. What about our achievements?” Which is true. Men do do that. But, ladies, you do it, too. We all judge women. All right. All right, like one time, she caught me flirting with another girl, and she was like, “What does she look like?” That was the first question. I was like, “Whoa. What about her achievements?” [laughter] Come on. She’s a human being, God damn it. When you’re single, though, you miss love. It’s nice to have love. It’s nice to have someone love you. That’s nice. But that’s the thing. We all want the love, but nobody wants to do the work. Just want the love part. You know? It’s kind of like a dog walker. We all love our dog, but you pay somebody to do the stuff you don’t want to do. Pick up the poop, walk it. Wouldn’t it be great to have a girlfriend walker? Just some guy on the sidewalk with eight girlfriends on a leash, like, “All right, tell me about your day.” [laughter] [cheering and applause] Yeah. Get mad about a dream you had. Ask me some hypothetical about you gaining weight. Cry now, cry now. Then you get your girlfriend back, like, “Did she cry?” “It took a while, but she cried.” [laughter] Yeah. Oh, yeah. A lot of women hate that joke, which is how you know it’s real. [laughter] I don’t know, maybe I’m just, uh, I’m being bitter, you know? My last girlfriend dumped me, said I wasn’t manly enough for her, I’m not a manly guy. [whistles] That one hurt. I didn’t know women were allowed to say stuff like that. Like how come a woman can say something like, “Yeah, that guy was good with his hands, he can fix stuff around the house”? And you’re like, “All right, cool.” But if a guy says, “Hey, I like a woman who can cook,” people go, “Whoa, whoa, it’s not the 50s.” Well, how come her job for me’s okay but my job for her’s not okay? Also, who doesn’t like somebody who can fix stuff around the house? I’d love to come home and my girlfriend’s like, “Hey, I built us a deck.” [laughter] “All right, hell, yeah. I’ll do laundry.” See, I think women are just so smart ’cause you guys made your gender roles offensive. Yeah, that was very clever. [laughter] Well played, ladies. Well played. Guys, how great would that be if we get offended? Your girlfriend wakes you at 4:00 a.m.. “I heard glass shattering, somebody break in?” You’re like, “Well, it’s not the 50s, go check it out.” [laughter] Yeah. I will say this. I’m sick of good-looking people. I’m done with you, men and women. You think everything you say is interesting. You never had it tough, you know? I went on a date with a girl once, she was gorgeous, way out of my league, beautiful woman. But she had nothing to say, she was boring. She had no personality. And I checked out at one point. She goes, “Look, I can tell you don’t like me and just want to sleep with me.” I was like, “Well, yeah, but that’s your fault.” She was like, “Screw you, I’m more than just a pretty face.” I’m like, “Yeah, but that’s all you worked on.” Right? Hours on your hair, makeup, outfit. Get a goddamned knock-knock joke together. [laughter] I don’t get these good-looking people. They spend 100% of their time on looks, zero on their personality. It’s just assumed that part’s amazing. Why wouldn’t you work on that, too? All right? Before a date, everybody goes, “How do I look?” No one ever goes, “Am I annoying?” Huh? Huh? Isn’t that more important, you know, like… that’s what you got to worry about. Like, I know I’m not a hot guy. Before a date, I’m writing jokes in my hand, limericks, anecdotes. I’m bringing it, baby. I’m tap dancing out there, you know? [laughter and applause] Hey. Yeah. Come on, I’m working it. Like, if a girl told me, “Mark, you’re funny, but you’re not that hot,” I’d be like, “I know. That’s why I’m funny.” [laughter] You gotta fill in the gaps here, you know? I’m not one of these guys that’s full of shit, like, looks don’t matter, it’s all about the inside that counts. Aw, shut up, come on. We all want to be found attractive. We all want to be with someone we find attractive. I hate when people lie about that. I was at a party once, I was like, “Aw, that Caitlyn Jenner, she’s kind of weird looking.” Some girl goes, “Hey, she’s beautiful.” And I was like, “Hey, you kind of look like her.” And she was like, “Fuck you.” So… which one is it, you know? Aw. Yeah. Ex-girlfriend was Jewish. Big old Jew. Yeah, yeah. We dated for a while. Just found out my ex-girlfriend’s getting breast implants. That blew my mind. I use the term “breast implants.” I don’t like the term “fake breasts.” Doesn’t make sense to me. ‘Cause the breasts are real. It’s just the shit inside that’s fake. The breasts are still real. It’s kind of like the Bible. The book is real, it’s just the shit inside that’s fake. [laughter] Oh, there’s leather. Leather book. Boy, the Bible. What a buzz kill, huh? Yeah. Yeah, they don’t like anything fun. They hate gay, they hate trans. That’s gonna be great when doing stuff so sexually advanced, it’s not even in the Bible. You know, like, “I love having sex with my robot.” The guy’s like… “All right, you’re good.” Maybe I’ll try it. Jesus Christ. I know some people get mad when you make fun of their religion, you know, which I never got. If you believe it, just believe it. What’s it matter what I say? I believe in gravity and somebody’s like, “Hey, gravity’s not real.” I’ll be like, “All right, good luck out there.” Yeah. I don’t know. Religion just feels silly. Come on. Who needs God? We got Google. We’re good, yeah, hey. He writes back. Just really fallen off over the years, you know? Like, 60 years ago, rock and roll was considered the devil’s music. Now there’s Christian rock. [laughter] Well, what the hell happened there? What, if we wait long enough, they just join in? What’s next? 20 years from now, hey, Christian gay porn. [laughter] Huh? I can already see the first movie. “Come here, son. Kneel before me.” [laughter and applause] Yeah. Yeah. I think I’m just jealous of religious people. Must be nice, must be comforting to really believe something, you know? That must be nice. I really tried religion, I really tried. I prayed, nothing happened. I talked to God, nothing happened. Zero results, zero. How is that acceptable? I feel like we let religion slide ’cause it’s free. If you had to pay for religion once a month like Netflix, you’d be like, well, this shit isn’t working. [laughter] I’m gonna try this agnostic network after this ’cause at least that’s free. But yeah, I– you know? Sorry, just throwing my thoughts at you here, folks, uh… I know, weird. You guys are nice. Some crowds don’t take it as well. I got called a douche bag at a show recently. That’s a fun word, huh? Douche bag. Yeah, ’cause the insult is more popular than the actual product. Huh? Huh? I don’t know anyone who’s ever used a douche, never seen one. What is it? Like, a Ziploc? I have no idea, all right? I feel bad for the guy who invented the thing. Some guy in the 1800s, “I invented this thing for women’s hygiene.” We’re all like, “Nice job, man.” “We’re just gonna use that to describe dudes in fedoras.” I did some research on it. The douche bag is actually bad for women. It’s not good for you. So apparently the guy who invented it… kind of a douche. But that’s the thing. I’m getting older, you know? I gotta get it together, you know? My brother had a kid, that’s crazy. Everyone wants to play with the baby, touch the baby, hug the baby. I find babies fascinating ’cause babies are the only thing that comes out of another person that strangers want to hold. [laughter] You ever think about that? Anything else that comes out of a human being, you’re like, wow, this dinner party is over. [laughter] But a baby, we’re all about it. It’s weird. We live in such a germaphobic culture, you sneeze on a guy, he wants to kill you, but, hey, a vagina monster… coochie-coochie-coo. Very interesting. Something to think about, you know? There’s some perks to getting older, though? I think older women are sexy, yeah. Anybody here been through menopause? Might be a… younger crowd. I’m very ignorant when it comes to this stuff. You ladies really keep a lid on this shit, you know? Like, my aunt’s going through menopause right now. She’s bummed out, she’s depressed. I thought that would be a good time. Menstruation’s over, years of discomfort over. Come on, you graduated, sister. It’s time to move that tampon string to the side. [laughter and applause] Right? Why isn’t that a party? Where’s that Facebook invite, huh? Hey, Aunt Marie stopped bleeding every month. All Right! Everybody in the pool. [laughter and applause] Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah, sorry if it’s too dark. I’m just being myself here, folks. People tell you to be yourself your whole life. That is the worst advice on the planet. Yourself sucks. Every time I’ve been myself, been fired, kicked in the balls, dumped, whatever. Don’t ever be yourself. Yourself is gross and naughty. Yourself is the worst version of you. That’s why whenever you walk into an elevator alone, there’s no one else in there, you’re like, ooh, I’m here by myself. I can be weird. There’s no one else in here. Yeah, all right. Then some other guy walks in, you’re like, crap, I got a boner, I’ve been queefing. Aah! Damn it. Now you gotta adapt. You gotta go back to society, you know? And people tell you to be yourself at the worst times, too. “Hey, you got a hot date tonight, Mark?” “Just be yourself.” All right. You’re sitting at dinner, some girl’s like, “So, Mark, what are you thinking about?” I’m like, “Well… just thinking, you know?” “You rarely see any female pedophiles, uh… “which is probably for the best ’cause they could make their own kids.” [laughter and applause] Just being me. The worst times: “Hey, you got a job interview? Just be yourself.” All right. You’re in some office, some guy’s going, “So, Mark… what’s your worst quality?” “Well, you know, I, uh… “I always start masturbating when I’m already late for something.” “Huh. “Wow, all right. “Jesus Christ. “Didn’t see that one coming at all. “Uh… quite a curve ball there. Whoo! Well, I gotta ask now, what’s your best quality?” “Pretty fast masturbator.” [laughter and applause] “Hmm.” “I don’t think we’re gonna need you here at the Build-A-Bear. “Thank you, all right, yeah.” [laughter] I like phony. Phony’s underrated. Phony gets a bad rap, you know? Why is that, like, an insult? “That guy’s a real phony.” I love phony. Phony makes the world go ’round. Waiters, they don’t care about you. They’re being phony, and it’s nice. The phonier they are, the more you tip. Nice hotel, “Come on in, sir. We’re so glad you came.” That guy didn’t give a rat’s ass about you. He’s being phony. We pay top dollar for phony. All right, I don’t want a stripper who’s authentic. Yeah, getting a lap dance, I’m like, “Yeah, you like that?” She’s like, “Well, I’m just trying to get my kids back.” Go back. Go back to phony. Go back, go back. Phony, phony, phony. So I mentioned the gays. Any gay guys here? [man] Whoo! Hey, all right. Yes. Thanks for coming out. Literally, yeah, right. Love a good gay. My roommate’s gay, that’s fun. I like having a gay roommate. He’s gay, I’m broke. I feel like poor people and gay people have a lot in common, you know? Right, we’re both born that way. [laughter] Yeah, women just want to be our friends. And, uh… when you finally tell your parents, they’re like, “Yeah, we knew.” [laughter] I, uh… I went to the gay pride parade a couple of weeks ago. Still sore. Hand a good time, yeah. They had the homophobic guys out there with the big signs, you know? How much do you have to hate a group to make a sign? I’ve never made a sign in my whole life. Yeah? Yeah? I feel bad. These people are more prejudiced than I am productive, eh? And the markers, the poster board. I don’t get it. Your tactic for fighting gays is arts and crafts? Ironically, the group you hate the most could really pizzazz up that poster. [laughter] Every sign, too. “God hates f*gs, God hates f*gs.” Like, really, that’s all you got, “God hates f*gs”? That’s not threatening. Who’s scared of God? Huh? I’d be more scared of a sign that said, “Bill hates f*gs.” Like, shit, is Bill here? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Is that Bill? Aw, is that Bill? Bill’s real. Yeah. I just got an email from a gay guy with a crush on me. Gorgeous gay man, smoking hot. What a bummer I’m not gay. This guy is a ten, right? A hot gay guy with a crush on you is kind of like finding a million pesos. You know, you’re like, oh, man, I can’t do much about this now, but if I ever cross that line, I’ll be set. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. [cheers and applause] I got fired from my last job for sexual harassment. I told a woman she had nice legs, they fired me. Which pissed me off, ’cause my gay friends at work get away with murder. The big “Hey, Shelly, how are you?” Honk, honk. Ohh. What? Why is that okay? They’re like, “Well, he’s not attracted to women.” I was like, “So what?” “I’m not attracted to kids. I can’t go to a playground, Hey, Timmy, yeah.” [laughter] I don’t get stuff like that, you know? Like, you’re a woman. Wouldn’t you rather be complimented by a group that’s into you? I don’t care if a lesbian compliments me. Nothing against lesbians, but that doesn’t help me out. Yeah? I have a lesbian’s like, “Hey, Mark, like your haircut.” I’m like, “I know, you have the same one.” It doesn’t help me at all. Yeah. When I was at the gay pride parade, you know, I went with a friend. I’ve known this guy 12 years, I had no idea he was gay. It blew my mind. He decided to come out of the closet at the parade. I had no idea he was gay. And when your friend comes out of the closet, the first thing you think is, holy hell. How many gay jokes have I made around this guy, huh? It’s been 12 years, you know? It’s a lot of jokes. And I had a guy in the crowd get mad, he goes, “What, do you make gay jokes?” “What, do you hate gays?” I was like, “No, you idiot.” “I just make fun of who’s not around.” I’m not prejudiced. I’m a coward. [laughter] Don’t we all do that? When you’re with your friend Bill, you make fun of Jeff. With your friend Jeff, you make fun of Bill. I don’t hate them, they just weren’t there, that’s all. People love calling you out on that. What, do you make fun of black people? What, are you racist? No, I just didn’t see any, right? I wish I didn’t see you. God, brutal. Times we’re living, I feel like we’re so quick to call everybody racist, homophobic, misogynist, you know? That word “race,” we thrown that around willy-nilly. I was at a party once, I was like, “That last name, that’s Korean, right?” So guy goes, “It’s Chinese, you racist.” I was like, “Well, I just got it wrong. I don’t hate them.” We don’t do that with other stuff. “What are those, tulips?” “They’re lilacs, you botanist son of a bitch.” “All right? Got my eye on you.” I love flowers. I have some. Yeah, right. Yeah. Right? But you can just say a race now and people get upset. There’s no context anymore. I was at a show once telling a story. I was like, “Yeah, a friend of mine, black guy…” Somebody actually yelled out, “Hey, why’s he have to be black?” Well, mostly, his fucking parents. [laughter] Pretty sure it’s hereditary. Yeah. I don’t get why we’re so sensitive about certain groups and cultures, you know? Like, you can’t make generalizations anymore. That’s out, you know? But certain groups have different qualities, different traits. That’s just how we are, that’s the fun part, you know? I made a hacky joke once about Mexicans and landscaping. This guy in the back goes, “Hey, not all of them.” “You’re generalizing, buddy. Not all of them.” All right, fair enough, but how come they never do that on a positive generalization? Now you go, “Hey, Mexicans are very resilient people.” And no one goes, “Hey, not all of them.” “Ha ha. You’re generalizing, buddy.” You can do it with dogs. No one gets mad about that. You can go, “Hey, Chihuahuas shed less than golden retrievers.” Everybody says, “Yes, that’s true.” But if you say, “Italians punch more women than Asians,” everybody’s like, uhh! Like, oh, why are you mad at me? I’m just going off Google. I didn’t do it. What did I do, yeah? Huh? Yeah. Seems like the only group you can make fun of now openly, in public is children. That’s it. You can say whatever the hell you want about kids. You go, “Oh, I hate kids. Don’t bring your kids around.” “No kids allowed. I’ve killed a few, yeah.” “Hate kid, yeah. Ugh.” Say whatever you want about k– Imagine a show called “Jews Say the Darndest Things,” right? [laughter] That would never fly. It would be a great show, though, wouldn’t it? “How you doing, Schlomo?” “We are chosen.” Eh? Would be a great show. Yeah. I guess you’re allowed to make fun of kids ’cause we all were kids at one point. That makes it a little easier. I can’t be like, “Hey, screw you.” “I was Mexican for 18 years, all right, yeah?” “Get out of my hair.” And I believe in equality and all that stuff. I just make jokes. What happened to jokes, you know? I believe women should be paid the same as men, I do. I used to work at this office job. One day I walked in, this woman was crying her eyes out. She’s like, “I saw the paychecks.” “I want to be treated like a man.” I was like, “Well… you want to be paid like a man.” “You don’t want to be treated like a man.” We don’t treat each other well. If you were treated like a man, some guy would walk in and see you crying and be like, “Hey, suck it up, bitch.” “What are you doing? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.” “Rachel’s a pussy. Rachel’s a pussy.” Treated like a man? What are you, insane? That would be mayhem. “Shelly, how are you?” Vagina flick. That’s, uh… That’s what dudes are doing. What are you, nuts? We’d have to get rid of sexual harassment laws, open the door for tittie twisters, credit card swipe, hand grenade Betty, coming at ya, yeah. Come on, ladies. You guys don’t want to move furniture and kill spiders. Get out of here, all right? And why would you? I don’t either. We’re very hung up on treating all the groups the same, but the differences are the fun part. We should embrace that, you know? We do that with black people and white people all the time. You hear that a lot? You go, “You should always treat black people and white people the same.” No, you shouldn’t. We should have the same rights, we shouldn’t always be treated the same. That would be insensitive. We all have different shit going on. Like, if I see a black guy with a lot of jewelry on, his hat matches his shoes, I’m like, “Hey, cool guy.” If I see a white guy with a lot of jewelry on, his hat matches his shoes, I’m like, “Hey, he’s gay.” [laughter] Differences, differences. If I’m driving around with my white friend and we get pulled over, I’m like, “Here’s my insurance.” If I’m driving around with my black friend and we get pulled over, I’m like, “Uh, I’ll do the talking, thank you.” [laughter] It’s true. All right, if I see a white guy call a black guy the N word, I’m like, well, it’s gonna get ugly. If a black guy calls me the N word, I’m over the goddamned moon. [laughter] What a great feeling. Come on. I’m all about progress, but why does adding syllables to a word make it less offensive, you know? Used to be “stupid,” now it’s “learning disabled.” Used to be “retarded,” now it’s “mentally gay” or whatever, huh? [laughter] Can’t keep up with the PC, you know? It’s all just a gesture. None of it means anything. Like, some PC, I like, like Native American, that’s good. He’s not from India, why are we calling him Indian? Native American, great. I’ll say that. But, like, African-American, I feel weird saying. I don’t have African-American friends, I have black friends. I don’t have Caucasian friends, I have relatives. [laughter] None of it adds up. Where are all the African-Canadians? Why don’t we say that? Black people are born in Canada every day. We don’t know what the hell we’re saying anymore. We’ll be like, “Idris Elba is an amazing African-American actor.” Well, he’s British. What the… hell are we doing? [laughter] It’s just white people. We’re nervous. We don’t know what to say. We’re scared. We don’t want to get fired. We don’t want to offend. You could corner a white guy in the sidewalk now with a microphone, a video camera, like, “What color is Ray Charles?” He’d be like, “Uh, he’s blind.” [laughter] “Well, what’s his ethnicity?” “Piano player.” “Well, what color is his skin?” “I got kids, man. Leave me alone.” We’re terrified. Come into my home now and watch the Discovery Channel, I’m like, “Hey, it’s a great white shark.” “Mediocre white. We’re not all great.” “I’m sorry.” But racism is alive and well, man. I was just down in, uh, Knoxville, Tennessee. You guys ever been there? [whistles] What a shithole. Holy hell. They are 30 years behind over there. You ever go to a town so small, they’re still racist toward certain white people? You know? They’re like, “Hey, watch out over there.” “That’s where the dirty Irish live.” I was like, “Jesus Christ.” You guys haven’t made it to black people yet? [laughter] My God, you’re far behind. I live in New York. We’re past Arabs, let’s go. [laughter and applause] Pick it up, come on. Oh. Yeah. Being racist now, very risky. You lose your job, you get ostracized from society, you make headlines. That’s why if anyone’s ever racist around you now, you know they trust you. It’s kind of this weird, bittersweet moment, you know? You’re on a smoke break with somebody, he’s like, “Oh, man, I can’t stand Mexicans.” You’re like, “Holy hell, you’re full of hate, but I didn’t know we were so close.” Jesus Christ. I feel like racism and smoking are a lot alike, you know? Like, in the 50s, everybody did it. Now we know it’s bad, we’re trying to cut back, but some people just can’t quit. We should treat racists the way we treat smokers. Now you’re at your day job, some guy’s about to tell a racist joke. You’re like, “Hey… take that shit outside, huh?” Just a bunch of guys out in the cold, “Oh, goddamned Jews, huh? R-r-r-r-r-r.” “If I don’t take those racist breaks, I get cranky.” Then they go to restaurants, “How you folks doing? You want the racist section or the non-racist?” “Well, we’ve had a few drinks. Better go racist.” “All right, well, it’s your funeral.” “The kitchen is heavily Hispanic.” Well, that’s where we’re at now. Everything’s… tense. White privilege, that’s a term you hear a lot now, white privilege. I was at a grocery store with a friend of mine, black guy, I stole a candy bar. I love to steal. I get a real rush from stealing. Yeah. I love stealing. What do you call it when you like to steal? What’s the word for that? Clepto, yes. What’s the one where you have sex with dead bodies? [laughter] Necrophilia, yes. I’m that, too. So, yeah, yeah… So, yeah, I steal the candy bar, I get outside, I’m all proud of myself. My friend goes, “Ah, white privilege, white privilege.” I was like, “What? No, this was a robbery.” [laughter] “If I had gotten caught then gotten away with it, that would be white priv– this was me being an amazing thief, right?” And he was like, “No, no, it’s white privilege because the guy didn’t follow you around the store, he followed me around the store.” And I was like, “Well, yeah, that’s why I brought you.” Come on. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Man. This wasn’t diversity, this was a diversion. [laughter] But, you know, we gotta keep up with the lingo, PC. The whole PC thing just feels very phony to me. It feels bullshit. Like, you can tell PC’s kind of bullshit ’cause you never use those words in emergency. There’s too many syllables. People are hurt, you gotta help ’em. You don’t have time to be progressive. You gotta save some lives. Like, if you see a Chinese guy get into a car accident and run over a black guy, you can’t be like, “Oh, my God, officer, come quick.” “There’s been a terrible tragedy.” “An Asian-American man got into a car accident– “not ’cause they’re bad drivers– “and, uh, he ran over an African-American gentleman “who was crossing the street slowly– “not ’cause they do that– and, uh… “you gotta come quick, the guy’s really hurt. “He’s drowning in a pool of his own blood– not ’cause they can’t swim.” [laughter] Now the guy’s dead. You killed him. Thanks a lot. You guys are great. Thanks for coming out. Go get ’em. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering and applause] [woman] So easy. ♪ One more time ♪♪ ♪ One more time ♪♪ ♪ One more time [cheering and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: Hbo Comedy Half-Hour (1998) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-hbo-comedy-half-hour-1998-transcript/

Well, I started when I was fourteen, that’s when I figured it all out. Wow, ten more years ahead of me. Yeah, but I have a short attention span, I’ve been thinking about quitting. I want to do something else. You know what my first job in the workforce was? I had to put on a f*cking cookie costume, and hand out fliers on capital hill for a restaurant, called “The Cookie Bag.” “The Cookie Bag”? In the middle of August. And what kind of cookie were you dressed as? Was it a chocolate chip cookie? It was a poor, hot, angry-Assed Chocolate chip cookie. HBO Comedy Half Hour Dave Chappelle Ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from San Francisco, please welcome Dave Chappelle! Thank you, thank you all. Thank you. What’s up San Francisco? I like your city. It’s a beautiful, tolerant place. I didn’t see much. My friend called me and was like “Dave, having fun in Frisco?” “Hell yeah!” “Seen the sites?” “No.” “You wanna go see Alcatraz?” What kind of n*gga in his right mind wants to visit a prison for recreation?! I got friends in jail, I don’t visit. I don’t deal with jails. Don’t deal with jails and I don’t deal with police. My house got robbed in New York. I didn’t even call the police. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. My crib is too nice. It’s not that it’s too nice, but, it’s too nice for me. You know how the police are in New York. Soon as I open the door, they’ll be like, “He’s still here! Open and shut case, Johnson. Apparently, this black guy broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Never seen anything like it!” I don’t deal with them man, I had to bail a friend of mine out of jail one time, you know, that was horrible. I was scared. I had to walk right into the belly of the beast. I tried to look as non-threatening as possible. [High pitched voice] “Hi… I’m here to bail out my buddy.” “Oh, okay… Well, while you’re here, you do fit a description. If you walk this way we can process you.” It’s how they always get us. It’s fittin’ those damn descriptions. I could be bitter and blame all the police, but no. I’ll tell you who I blame… It’s those f*cking sketch artists. They keep drawin’ the same brother over and over again. Who is this generic man we all look like? I want to know what they say when it’s us. They’ll be in their room like… “Did you get a look? Do you see the guy that tried to rob you?” “Yes, yes I did. He was about six-feet-tall I’d say.” “Six-Feet-Tall?” “Yes. He had his hat on backwards too.” “Good, that’s good stuff… Hat was on backwards.” “Yes. He was black.” “Okay, big lips, big nose, dick hanging out? Say no more sir. I’ll draw him from memory. Let me get my stencil, I think we can trace this guy and save some time. Let me get on the radio and shit…” [Voice over radio] “Calling all cars, calling all cars… Be on the look-out for a black male between 4’7″ and 6’8″, between 120 and 380 pounds. He’s wearing Nikes, get this man!” Criminals are insane. I don’t even know why people do crime. They want to catch you, they’re gonna catch you. They can. They got forensics. You ever seen forensics? Those guys find clues nobody else thinks about looking for. I mean it. You leave a pubic hair anywhere near a crime scene, they’re gonna find that shit. [Voice of a policeman on the crime scene] “What the hell is this? Back up! We got a match.” They look at the pube and tell all kinds of information. “Looks like there was a struggle, uh… Time of death, 3:07.” It’s amazing! I saw them get a dude one time on Court TV, it was embarrassing. It was, it was a sexual assault case. I knew the defendant was lying, I could feel it. He defended himself too hard. His answers had nothing to do with the questions, completely irrelevant. They asked him easy questions. “Were you anywhere near the crime scene on the night of the incident?” “Motherf*cker I told you I work at Burger King!” That went on for hours. Then the prosecutor got fed up, said, “I’ve had enough of this.” Called the forensics to the stand. Forensics was like “Your honor, “We are prepared to testify that we found the defendant’s semen, under the stove.” I said, “godamn! That’s worse than fingerprints! They find your semen, you’ve been there at least a minute!” But that’s what I want to know, under the stove? You find semen like that? Or do you look for it? Like do they walk on to a crime scene like “This place is a mess! Check it for semen!”. Or do they just walk in and slip… “Oh my god, what the hell was that?! [takes something to his tongue] Semen!” They find it on every crime scene. What are burglars doing? “We got the stuff, let’s get out of here.” “Wait a minute! I want to leave my calling card… [simulates jerking off] The semen bandit has struck again!” I don’t understand nothing anymore. I don’t. I watched TV the other day, now tell me, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m crazy, is it me? Is it me or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? I don’t even know what a f*ckin’ commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. Have you seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, she’s crying, she’s like, “I smoke crack. And my husband beats me!” And then a voice came on and said, “Got milk?” I said “what the…?!” That has nothing to do with milk! I’m not saying I’m a commercial expert but I’d make a better milk commercial than that. Make it nice and simple, I just do a close-up of a titty. And put milk right underneath. And if that doesn’t sell milk, nothing will, I’ll tell you that shit right now. This is 1997, titties are industry, 1997. They are, I know they are, I’m a customer. I went to a titty bar last week At three o’clock in the afternoon. Now that’s bad, that is bad. Because it wasn’t like I was out, “Let me swing by the titty bar.” No, no, I left my house specifically to see some tits. Can’t judge me, there’s breasts in there. It’s just what men do. If a guy runs up to you on the street, “hey, hey, don’t go in that building, there are naked girls showing their breasts.” It’d be like a white dude in a horror movie. “I better investigate. I’m gonna want to see for myself.” Titty bar is a weird place. I’m not saying it’s a good place to hang out, I go there every once and then. But it’s a weird place, they got weird morality. One time I walked into a titty bar, All these guys are coming in, right? Out of all the dudes the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey, hey, hey buddy! Sir, sir, you wanna take your hat off, huh? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” “Yeah, I can shove a $20 up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it?!” “Sorry about that buddy. Here you go bubbles, ppffttt! Forgive me for the hat thing.” You know why those bars are so popular now, is because men don’t know how to deal with women in reality. So sometimes we gotta take the fantasy road. The reality of the situation is very grim. Women have made a lot of progress in a short period of time, man, it changed everything. Can’t deal in relationships anymore. I broke up with my girl, I’m out of shawshank, I’m free. I don’t wanna go back. I couldn’t even argue with her. You should be able to argue. If you have an issue in a relationship, you should be able to argue that issue out, right? You see ladies, You gotta stick to the f*cking issue. You guys take arguments everywhere just to win ’em. That’s why nothing ever gets done. You’ll be arguing about the dishes, “Baby, baby, could you wash your dish at least before you put it in the sink… “… Premature ejaculator! “Dammit! “Why you gotta bring that up?” I don’t even believe in that, I don’t! If I cum man, it was right on time, that’s the way I see it! As far as I’m concerned, I can’t cum fast enough! I’m sick of being vilified all the time. “David, how could you? “How could you cum? “I was f*cking! “What were you trying to do, huh? “Cum? “Well, I beat you! “You gotta work on your time baby, I’m down to a minute, twenty!” Don’t get mad at me Because I have different goals in sex! I’m a speed f*cker. Just trying to hit my best time, like the Olympics. And now for the dismount… It wasn’t all bad. It’s never all bad, he won’t stay if it’s all bad. No, that’s not true, but I wouldn’t. We had fun, we used to watch porn together, That’s how cool she was. It seems nasty, but it’s fun. We learned about each other. She learned about me. One time we was watching porn, I’ll never forget this time, the first scene in this movie was hard-Core. Two guys, one girl, going at it. I fast forwarded right through that. It was too much for my senses. The scene after that was these two girls and this guy. You know I stopped for a minute. I had to see what this was all about. And she noticed. She said “what is that? Why does that disgust you? “Two men and one woman, “The men aren’t touching each other but the women are. “The two women touch each other, “The two men don’t touch each other, “Why is that nasty to men?” And I’ll tell you why… Now ladies, you can call me crazy But I think every straight man has a rule. That would be “the one penis per fantasy rule”! My dick is the star of my fantasy. Nobody else’s dick is guest starring in my shit! This is a Dave Chappelle joint. You gotta look at the whole picture man. You got two girls and a guy in a room together, Boy, that’s something else. That’s holding and hugging, friendship and helping. Teamwork at it’s very, very best my friends. You get two guys and a girl in the room, it’s the wrong kind of teamwork. Down right brutal if you ask me. “I’ll pull her hair! “I’ll smack her ass!” Poor woman looked like a chicken on a rotisserie! “Help me!” My life, There’s too much shit out there to stress you out. Whole world is just drug infested… Hate infested, drug infested world. I hate drugs. You know what my friend told me? You know what he’s dealing with? His landlord is hooked on crack. That’s terrible, that’s pressure. If your landlord is hooked on crack that means you gotta have the rent! He comes around… “You got the rent?! “It’s not even due yet, it’s the 10th. “Come on, I need it!” “Let me get $20 of it now and then… Just give me the rest at the end of the month.” Every couple of hours, “Hey look, I’m gonna need some more of the rent! “The building is falling apart, things came up… ” He comes home early from a party, Landlord is in his crib going through his shit. “What are you doing in my house?! “Ahh! “Where’s the sink, I came to fix it! “It’s in the kitchen! “I thought it was in the drawer. “I’ll fix it tomorrow when I come for the rent!” You know what I hate about drugs? I hate when people my age and older Get hooked on crack, I hate that shit. You’re too old to be experimenting with drugs At a certain point, you should be past that. If you ain’t doing it by a certain point You just miss it. Drugs are really for old people anyway. You’re 75, you’ve earned the right! Shit if I was 75, I’d do coke, heroin, Everything, I wouldn’t give a f*ck. I’ll be walking down the street, they’d be like “boy, that old man is trippin’!” Can’t do everything. Maybe weed, if you’re gonna do something do a little weed. Weed’s not as bad as everything else. Weed is a background substance. You can smoke some herb and still function. You ain’t crisp… … but you’ll function. Nothing higher than weed, though. I made that mistake one time. I was at a party, some guy gave me some shit. He’s like, “Here man, take this. It’s f*cking mushrooms.” I took it, I forgot all about it. Then a couple days later I found that shit in my pocket. I’m thinking, “why not?” ‘Cuz I’m thinking it’s like weed. Some background shit. I planned my whole day out like it was weed. I’ll chew this shit up, then I’ll go to the barbershop, get my hair cut and then I’ll see a movie. I chewed it up. So far, so good. Then I was in the barbershop, like an hour later. And it’s funny, ‘cuz I was just thinking to myself, like “Ooh, this stuff sucks. Tastes like athlete’s foot. I feel sick but I’m not really high.” Then I looked in the mirror. I saw the barber’s reflection. Man, it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair. I freaked out! I started talking to myself “Dave, calm down, you’re on drugs, this is what drugs do. You know that there is no way… that a penis can cut hair.” But I started freaking out man, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped out the chair, half my hair was cut, I didn’t care. I didn’t, I just gave the barber a handful of money. It was weird, the balls opened up, anyway I… I ran home man, I ran home as fast as I could. I was trippin’, trippin’! I looked at the clock, it was 2:42. I was like “damn, 2:42, I gotta sober up. I had never been this high this early.” I took a shower, I was still high. I said “maybe music will do the trick.” I listened to every CD I had, I was still high. “Exercise, that’s what I’ll do.” I ran around the block four times, Still high. I took a nap, woke up f*cked up. I looked at the clock, it was 2:43, I said “godamn!” You know this song… [Humming] My grandmother used to sing that when she’s cleaning up. That’s a negro spiritual. Black work-song. Not everybody know about that. White people, you guys might whistle when you work. But that’s how you can tell what kind of work we’re actually doing. I study that kind of shit. I do, anything that has to do with race. I read a little here, see a little there. And I travel, that’s always good. Traveling has made me a racism connoisseur, if you will. You know it’s different from region to region. Anyone ever been down south? So you guys know what I’m talking about. The racism down there is just f*cking… Ahh! It’s perfect, stewed to a perfection. It’s comfortable, it’s out in the open. There are no secrets in Mississippi, everybody knows the deal. “Morning n*gger!” “Morning sir!” Not up here. You hit the big cities, man, it’s different. It’s always a secret. We should be like them, We should keep our shit out in the open, vent a little. I mean… with limits. You don’t want to say whatever comes to your mind, that might be a little much. White dude be walking down the street, minding his business, brother walks up to him, “Hello, “You white oppressor, you slave master rapist of Africa!” “Why hello my big lipped, spear-chucking friend. “touché, honky! “So whitey, what did you do today, huh? “Oppress a new land and make the people there Christians against their will?” “What did you do fella? “Burn those big black lips on a crack pipe “‘Cause you missed your job interview?! “Easy whitey, you’re cuttin’ deep. All this chit-Chat has got me thirsty. “If you will excuse me for a moment, “I’m gonna go to the Korean store and get something to drink.” Ching-A-Ling! “Hello… “You slanty-Eyed, rollin’ our neighborhood “By opening stores and taking money out of the community-Chink! “Wow… Good afternoon, you browse-around but never buy anything suspicious looking n*gger!” After a while that might be too much. You can’t help it. If you’re an American, you’re a racist. You’re brought up from the beginning to think in generalizations. We never look at the individual. We rarely look at the individual. I’m a racist. I know I’m a racist. You know how I know? ‘Cuz the other day I caught myself being racist against myself. There’s so much shit going on, I got mixed up. Forgot who’s team I was on and shit. One time I was reading the paper and a story came on about a guy suing a department store because they won’t let him play Santa Claus because he was black. I was actually relieved When the department store beat him. That’s bad, but I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for the idea of a black Santa Claus, Man, that shit would suck. We wouldn’t get our presents ’til the 28th, 29th… “Sorry I’m late kids, “Santa got caught up with some pussy in Vegas. I had to sell some toys to get back. Where them cookies at?!” Y’all a great crowd man, you are. Glad y’all came out man. I… I’m nervous, I am. Not about this special. I hope this shit don’t make me famous. I don’t wanna be famous-famous, I want people to like me for who I am. A famous dude will never know why people like him. That’s why if I ever make it, I’m gonna have to test people. Like if I meet girls, I’ll wear disguises when they first meet me. So they don’t know who I am. And then on the first date I’ll call them and say “I’ll pick you up right from work.” Then I’ll pick her up in a f*cking garbage truck. Just to see how she reacts. She’s like “wait a minute, oh, oh, do I look like garbage to you? “I don’t see no godamn trash need to be picked up here! “Get that godamn truck off my block! “Who do you think you are?!” That’s when I take my mask off… “Huh, David Chappelle?!” “That’s right b*tch!” Thank you, thank you very much.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ROY WOOD JR.: FATHER FIGURE (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/roy-wood-jr-father-figure-transcript/

Look, I’m probably not gonna live long enough to teach you everything you need to know, so let’s just run through a couple things real fast. Number one, I need you to treat women with respect always. Even if you think you’re right, be respectful. Number two, don’t mix white and dark liquor. That’s how you end up in the back of a police car. Speaking of which, get you a white friend. Black men with white friends are 38% less likely to be shot by the police. Are you listening? You just gonna stare at me. [baby cooing] You just gonna stare. That’s what you’re gonna do? This is serious stuff, man. I’m gonna put this on video for you, and when you’re old enough, you come back and watch it, deal? All right, deal. [audience cheering] Thank you, Frederick Douglass. [cheers and applause] But if we get rid of the Confederate flag… [laughter] [man] Yeah! …how am I gonna know who the dangerous white people are? I’m just saying, the flag had a couple upsides. Let’s just be real about it. I ain’t saying keep it around, but I grew up in the South. I can’t tell you how many times the Confederate flag came in handy. You stopping for gas at a strange place at 2:00 in the morning, you see that flag hanging from the window, you know this is not the place to get gas. And you keep it moving. What’s the rush to get rid of the flag? Especially if you white. If you white, you should want to keep the flag for a little while longer so at least black folks will know you cool. ‘Cause if you white and you not an asshole, that’s the one thing that helps us identify you. You get rid of that flag, we’ll be– Mm-mmm. We got to figure out a way to know who the cool white people– Cool white people, we just got to start giving y’all wristbands or handstamps. Just something you can show in a dark alley… let us know you down with the struggle. That’d be cool. “Give me your money, white dude!” Like, “Whoa, ahh, ahh, ahh!” “I’m so sorry, come on through. “Come– come on through. “No, they got the wristbands, they good. “Listen, put this wristband on. “This one over here, like– In case it go down, you wanna have that wristband on.” Atlanta, what’s going on? How y’all doing, man? Y’all good? [cheers and applause] Yeah, yeah. Thank you a lot, man. Love the South, man. I’m from Birmingham, man. It’s good to… [cheers and applause] Birmingham in here. Yeah, yeah, Birmingham in here. I love the South, man. You know, South, we got some tension. We got our issues, you know. I talked to my uncle about it. You know, my uncle. “First thing we need to do is get rid of the N-word.” My uncle don’t like the N-word, my Uncle Derek. Hate the N-word, be trying to– My uncle trying to quit the N-word the way people try to quit cigarettes, a little bit at a time. It’s a word. Ain’t no cravings. Either you say it or you don’t. My uncle be calling me every week with updates. “I only said it four times this week. “Mm-hmm. “Only said that four times. “Now, Sunday’s my cheat day, ’cause I watch football. “I got to say it. I got to say it on Sunday. “Grown man drop a first down, I got to call him the N-word. That’s just what it is.” And this is my thing with the N-word, like– Like, at this point, black folks, like, if we trying to get stuff done politically in this country– We inching, we doing, we inching, we inching, but at this point, I think it’s time for us to schedule a meeting with gay people, ’cause gay people get way more shit done than us. [applause] They don’t mess around. Gay people shut shit down. They want something to go away, it’s gone. They don’t fool around, man. Every week, it’s five, six new words you can’t call gay people. Black folks, we’ve been working on the N-word since 1804. We can’t get one word out the American vocabulary. Gay people up to 37 words. We need to go to Panera and have a meeting with gay people, and have a soup and salad and figure this out. Yeah, that’s how you figure out your issues, over soup and salad. You can’t even say “gay” no more. That’s how good gay people are. The only word left to address gay people by. You better not fumble that word in a sentence. That’s your ass. You use “gay” in the wrong context at work and see if you don’t have to go talk to Sylvia in HR. HR be on your ass immediately ’cause you mumbled “gay” one time the wrong way. You was by yourself when you said the shit and you still got in trouble. It’s not like you was walking through the cubicles telling gay jokes, you was… You was in the break room, you was alone, and your chips got stuck and you cussed. That don’t mean you a bad person, you was just hungry. You say anything when you’re hungry. Every man in this room, we’ve all been through it. Them chips get stuck at the top of the machine, and you try to jostle the machine a little bit. Them chips don’t fall, ain’t nobody got change for a dollar, so you can buy two packs, so you gotta shake… “Give me the chips, you gay-ass machine!” “Sylvia, line two. Sylvia, line two. Security to the break room, security to the break room.” And that’s it and you gone ’cause you called some chips gay. But that’s the power of the gay agenda. They figured out a way to influence the political process of this country to make sure that their issues are at least heard. Even if people don’t get the bills passed, they at least listen to ’em, and that’s what I’m trying to tell my uncle. You don’t like the N-word, man, you wanna get rid of the N-word, this all you gotta do. Start calling gay people n i g g a s. [laughter and applause] It’ll be gone tomorrow. Listen, I don’t like it either, all right, but that’s the best idea I got right now, okay? At least that’s what I’m gonna teach my son. I’m a father figure. I got to show him the right way. They try to divide us on television, you know. But there’s a lot of people that aren’t black that’s standing on the right side of issues that affect us. I appreciate those folks, you know. [applause] They don’t get highlighted enough. There’s plenty of people out there that care about black stuff. I done seen ’em, man. I went to– I went to a black history museum, I had a white tour guide. Hey, it threw me off for a second. I turned to the brother that was on the tour with me, I was like, “Is this the dude? He’s gonna do it?” It was a white dude, it was a white dude telling me about my shit. And he was good! Yeah, I was trying to hate on him. By the end of the tour, I was like, “Yo, bro, you did your thing, man. “Straight up, fam, you do what you do. “Hey, real quick, let me give you “one of these wristbands real quick. “Yeah, put that on. In case it go down, you want to wear that wristband.” I know some folks got a problem with that. You don’t want a white person at a black history museum, I understand that. Here’s the thing. I’m not saying they’re better than a black tour guide. I think a black tour guide at a civil rights museum, I think they’re better equipped to speak on the experience, because they might’ve lived that life, they can speak to certain exhibits from a perspective that nobody else can. I just think if you go to a black history museum and you got a black tour guide, you need to go in the morning while he’s still in a good mood. ‘Cause that brother is stressed. You can’t walk around slavery all day for eight hours and not cuss at somebody. [cheers and applause] Somebody getting cussed. You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He just finished that McGriddle. “How y’all doing? “My name is Charles, it’s my pleasure “to take you on this journey. “Look at these exhibits right here. “Black history is American history. Come look at the exhibits.” You think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4:30, he been staring at slavery? That dude liable to cuss out everybody. “Look at this shit! “Come look what you done to us! “Come look what you done to us! “Look what you– Get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!” You go to the gift shop, it’s just people crying. That’s horrible. That’s scary. Something’s wrong, man. Just don’t be one of these people that’s surprised that black folks got issues. Them the people I can’t deal with. I’d rather talk to somebody that don’t agree with me than somebody that’s had they eyes closed. “Hey, did you know black people– Why are black people angry?” Motherfucker, we been angry. This ain’t new. You think this just happened last couple of years? Black folks been trying to tell y’all forever that they had some issues and we sat– We invented the blues! [laughter and applause] What more of a sign did you need? We literally invented an entire genre of music based on sadness, that’s how sad we were. And we– the blues was created here. That is an American art form. That is not native African– Go listen to old African music. The shit is happy ’cause we was free. [cheers and applause] Go back. Every old African song. ♪ We have freedom in Africa ♪ ♪ Freedom in Africa ♪ ♪ Freedom, got freedom in Africa ♪ Soon as we got off the slave ship. [imitating blues guitar] [imitating harmonica] We’ve been sad. How the hell are you surprised? “Yeah, but, they’re not patriotic. “Black people don’t like the national anthem anymore. What is…” That ain’t no shock to you, man. You wanna know what black folks feeling? Just listen to their music. Our music tell you everything that’s going on in the black psyche. It’s a beautiful… telegram. [applause] And nowhere in the history of black music is there a hit patriotic song. That ain’t what we do. I mean, we’ll cover a song, but, like, we don’t write no original patriotic songs. Black artists ain’t never– ‘Cause we got a conflicted relationship with the country. You can’t write no honest patriotic song. You gotta leave that to white artists. They done had a good time. You had a good time in America, you damn right you should be writing a patriotic– ♪ And I’m proud to be an American ♪ ♪ Where at least I know I’m free ♪ [cheers and laughter] They be serious. You couldn’t possibly expect that level of patriotism from a race of people that have had so many issues, you can’t. It’s not realistic. Black people don’t– We don’t sing about America. We sing about specific cities where you can have a good-ass time. That’s what we do. We don’t talk about the country. We can tell you where the party at, though. We can do that. Look, I can’t tell you nothing about America, but let me tell you about the city where the heat is on all night on the beach ’til the early morn. Welcome to Miami, that’s where you got to go. You ever been to California? Oh, my God, boy, you got to go down to California, boy. Boy, California knows how to party. The city of L.A., the city of good ol’ Watts and the city of Compton. They keep it rockin’. Write that shit down, I’m trying to tell you. They keep it rockin’. Black people don’t do patriotism. Maybe “Georgia on My Mind.” That’s the closest we probably come. Maybe that, maybe that. That’s a good song, it’s warm, it’s about the country. Ray Charles, “Georgia on My Mind,” good song. But… the key word in that song is “on my mind.” Ray Charles was just thinking about Georgia. He didn’t tell you to go there. Georgia’s like every other part of the South. It’s got some pockets you should not be in after dark. If you’d have asked Ray Charles to be more specific on where in Georgia to go, he’d have said to go to Atlanta where the players play and they ride in them thangs like every day. [cheers and applause] [chuckles] My Uncle Derek tried to shut me down on that one. “What about James Brown ‘Livin’ in America’? “That’s patriotic, James Brown singing about America. It’s original and he black.” ♪ Livin’ in America ♪ ♪ Eye to eye ♪ ♪ Livin’ in… ♪ It’s a good song, but keep it real, man. James Brown wrote that song for Rocky IV, and as soon as he finished singing it, Apollo Creed died in the ring. It’s a sad song. It’s a sad song. How can you hear “Livin’ in America”‘ and not think about Apollo Creed just falling lifeless to the– Michael B. Jordan lost his daddy that day. If anything, “Livin’ in America” is not patriotic. It’s the opposite. It’s a secret message to black people. James Brown is one of the most masterful musicians to ever walk this earth, dude. It’s a brilliant song. [cheers and applause] That song ain’t got nothing to do with America. That entire song, “Livin’ in America” is a secret message to black folks. All you gotta do, listen to the end of the song. Very end of “Livin’ in America,” all James Brown do is just start naming cities. That’s it, end of the song. ♪ Livin’ in America ♪ ♪ New Orleans, Detroit City ♪ ♪ Dallas, Pittsburgh ♪ ♪ Kansas City, Atlanta ♪ He just naming safe places for black folks. That’s– that’s it. Love black music, man. Hits you, you know. That’s why I have– That’s why I have a hard time going to see civil rights movies. I have to go see civil right movies in the middle of the day so nobody can see me crying. ‘Cause them movies be hitting you, man. Civil rights movies get me with that Negro humming. Oh, my God, I break down. ‘Cause you know, every civil rights movie just got that scene where it’s just some humming. ♪ Freedom ♪ [humming] You tell me that don’t break you down, in the middle of a civil rights movie, just that humming? There don’t even be nothing serious happening on screen, I be crying. It’s just a dude putting butter on a waffle, and just… [humming] ♪ Freedom ♪ [humming continues] You be in the theater bawling. “He was just putting butter on the waffle! They wouldn’t let him, they wouldn’t let him.” Civil rights movies get me all the time, man. They get me with that humming, and then they always make black people fall in slow motion. Yo, every civil rights movie, a black person fall in slow– Why you got to slow down my pain? Just play it at regular speed. Any time a black person falls in a civil rights movie, they fall, then they do that double bounce in the dirt and the dirt come up. “Get out of here, darkie! Just get out!” “Ohhh!” Pfft! Pfft! [cheers and applause] Don’t do that to me. Most powerful civil rights movie scene of all time is Selma. I can name the scene. It’s when Oprah Winfrey got slapped. This dude slapped the fire– It was the second time, not the first time she got slapped, the second time. This dude slapped Oprah Winfrey so hard, she fell in slow motion and there was Negro humming. I left the theater. I couldn’t even tell you how the movie ended. It was too powerful. My emotions. First of all, Oprah couldn’t have known she was getting slapped. She didn’t know. She didn’t know she was getting slapped. That dude– That was Ava DuVernay, that was the director, she made that choice. That’s a good-ass director, Ava DuVernay went up to that actor between scenes. “Okay, we love what you’re doing, okay? “We’re getting a lot of good stuff from you. “We’re just gonna change it up this scene. “Okay, this time, this time, “Oprah’s gonna come over, okay? “She’s gonna do her lines, and Oprah, “she finishes her lines, you slap the shit out, just– slap Oprah.” “Does Oprah know?” “No, do what I tell you! I’m Ava DuVernay! Slap Oprah!” Oprah came over to that dude, man. You could see it in her face. She didn’t know that– that slap was coming. “We ain’t leaving till we get our rights.” Skaboom! ♪ Oh, freedom ♪ [humming] Pfft! Pfft! The thing about this country is this: We’re all Americans. People love to say that. That’s the first thing people want to say when– when there’s some tension. “Oh, we’re all Americans. “You’re American and I’m American. “Well, just, hell, we all Americans. Can’t we just be all Americans?” Yeah, we are. We all Americans. But we live in two different Americas. That’s what it is. People forget that. And I don’t think everybody that… doesn’t understand what we go through is necessarily racist or bigoted. That’s– That’s a far jump. It’s a lot of folks that just straight up don’t know what it’s like. And you gotta educate ’em. You gotta educate ’em on the kind of America you live in. I had to go Best Buy and give a dude some straightening. Straighten his ass out, yeah. I’m straightening. Dude at Best Buy gonna decide I don’t need a bag with my purchase. “You just have an iPhone case. I figure you could just pop that open.” No, I ain’t popping shit. You put it in a bag. I need that in a bag. “What do you need a bag for? “I don’t understand why you need a bag. “It’s wasteful. Recycle. Don’t you care about the Earth?” I go, “Sir, this has nothing to do with the Earth. “I’m a black man in America. I gotta leave this store with a bag, bro.” [cheers and applause] It’s about safety. I’m black, I don’t get the luxury of just walking out with shit in my hand. That is a roll of the dice. That is a horrifying day if I– No, not only do I need that bag, bitch, I need that receipt! And staple it to the outside. I don’t want a receipt in my hand. You staple my receipt to the outside like Chinese carryout, and I’ll hold it up in the air, I’ll “Lion King”– I’ll “Hakuna Matata” an iPhone case out of Best Buy. And it’s not his fault. He just didn’t understand. He thought he was saving the Earth, but he was saving a life, that’s what he was doing. This has nothing to do with recycling, man. ‘Cause, see, you might be a cool person. He might– The cashier might be a cool-ass dude, but we don’t know what the security guard been through up front. I come prancing out of Best Buy with this naked-ass iPhone case in my hand. And here comes security. “Excuse me, sir. Did you pay for that?” Oh, yeah, I got the receipt. “He’s going for a gun!” Skaboom! ♪ Oh, freedom, ohh ♪ Pfft! Pfft! [cheers and applause] Everything ain’t racism. About 2%, it’s about 2%… that ain’t racism. You gotta recognize that 2% when you see it. I was in McDonald’s, this dude was cussing everybody out. Swore it was racism. I walked in this fast food spot, this dude cussing everybody out. And this is the thing, like, fast food spots already do shady stuff, so I’m not saying they don’t deserve to be cussed out. They do, they deserve a good cussing every now and then, ’cause the thing they do now, some of these fast food spots, they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets. [audience murmurs] You know, you want an extra sauce with your nuggets, it’s gonna be– “Oh, you want another sauce, brother, it’s gonna be 25 cents.” How you charging for sauce, bro? That’s– I want two sauces. “Well, I need a quarter.” You ever meet the Guardian of the Sauce? This dude is serious. Done got a different color shirt from everybody else at work, so now he arrogant. “Well, you know, brother, I’m a supervisor now. “I have a shirt on. You know, if it was up to me, I would give you another sauce.” It is up to you! It’s on your side of the counter! I just want two sauces without paying for ’em, that’s all I want. But I walked in this spot, man, this dude was cussing out the whole store. Swore it was racism. And I’m not saying that racism wasn’t one of the causes for him getting bad service, I’m just saying, he jumped to that conclusion a little fast. He didn’t go through the progressions. He ordered a six-piece nugget, and it was five nuggets in the box. And I didn’t even know what was going on. I’m texting, as soon as I walk in the door, I’m texting, I hear this dude, I hear this dude over in the cut, I hear this dude go, “I’ll kill everybody in this bitch.” [laughter and applause] You know, that– that gave me pause, ’cause he said he’ll kill everybody in this bitch. And I already had a foot in the door. Am I technically in this bitch, sir? ‘Cause I can pull this foot out and go to Arby’s. It ain’t that deep. Swore it was racism, man. “Y’all stole my nugget. I’m tired of white folks.” “White folks don’t want us to have shit! Stole my nugget!” Then he gonna turn to me. “You see this shit, brother? You see this McDonald’s? “It’s our nuggets today. It’s our children’s nuggets tomorrow.” “If I was white, I’d have got seven nuggets.” That’s when I backed off. I’m like, I can’t help this dude. I’m like, look, bro, I know you mad and there’s a lot of racial tension in the world, but this ain’t racism. This is a fast food spot at 2:00 in the morning. Some of them folks back there can’t count to six. You want six nuggets, you need to order a four-piece and two-piece. That’s how you trick they ass and get two sauces for free. [cheers and applause] [chuckles] I like fast food employees. I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude. I like it. At least it’s from the heart. ‘Cause people too nice now. You go out to these stores, everybody, “Hey, how you doing? Are you good? Thank you for choosing us.” You think them people wanna be your friend, or they’ll get fired for not speaking? Which one you think it is? ‘Cause 10, 15 years ago, nobody spoke to you when you went in the store. Now, all of a sudden, everybody wanna kick it with your ass? No! That’s a corporate mandate, and I’d rather you not do it. I get in the grocery store. It’s just too many questions at the register. Just ring up the shit that’s on the belt. We ain’t gotta be friends. I’m here, I’m spending money, you won. What else do you want? Why I gotta be your friend, too, man?” The price you pay for politeness is your time. So you want somebody to be nice to you? That’s cool, enjoy it, but I’d rather get them minutes back with somebody I know. I don’t need all this politeness, man, I’m cool. ‘Cause people overdo it. I went on a cruise. This is the weirdest thing ever, man. You go on a cruise, you meet every employee. [scattered laughs] Yeah, you been– yeah. Every– You go on a cruise– I met the captain of the boat. The captain of the cruise ship does laps around the boat every day speaking to people. That’s too much. I have no need to meet you, sir. Listen, there’s no– At no point in my vacation do I need to meet the highest-ranking officer on the boat. I don’t need to– to do that. I’m at the pool, here come the captain. He’s got his stupid jacket on. He’s sashaying around there. “Welcome aboard, I am the captain, yes. “We are having pleasure, We are in ocean and we have pleasure.” He’s got them stupid medals dangling off his jacket. Took heavy fire in Cozumel. I don’t know how he got ’em, but he’s got… “We are having fun in the ocean. Sir, are you having fun?” Bitch, who driving? It’s too much. You go on a cruise, it makes you appreciate airline pilots. I respect airline pilots. Airline pilots ain’t got no chitchat for you, no small talk before the flight. You don’t even meet ’em. That’s the flight attendant’s job. You get on the plane, who you see first? It’s the flight attendant. “Welcome aboard, how are you? Walk in this way…” Captain ain’t got time to talk to your goofy ass. You get on the plane, look in the cockpit, what you see? Two alcoholics checking buttons, that’s all you see. What’s that, two grown-ass men, just… “Did you check all the buttons? “Okay, you can check the buttons up here “and then you check the buttons down here. “Okay, just– don’t– just check– start over. “Ladies and gentlemen, there’s gonna be a slight delay. “Uh… gotta recheck all these buttons. Thank you for choosing–” [imitates static] That’s it, that’s the captain’s job, to come over the intercom, let you know what’s happening. That’s it. No jokes, all business. That’s why they pause the movie, they stop serving drinks, ’cause the captain got important shit to say. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. “We about to go up in the sky, so sit that ass down “so we can get up there. “If something go wrong, talk to them heifers in the back. “I can’t help your ass, ’cause I’m up here, “I’m trying to fly this bitch. “So don’t you come up here. “My door’s locked. I got a shotgun. Fuck with us. Thank you for choosing–” [imitates static] [cheers and applause] The captain is all business, and I respect that. He’s all business until the plane lands. That’s when he know it’s time to get some respect from y’all. The captain knows that he did some dope shit, and he wants you to know he did some dope shit. “I just flew you 500 miles an hour “at 30,000 feet, I landed this flight “in a 50-mile-an-hour crosswind on the first attempt. I want you to know who your God is.” [laughter and applause] Yeah, the captain want his respect. That’s why when you get off the plane, the captain be standing in the door like a boss, like, “What’s up?” Copilot be next to him, like… You can’t do nothing but show love to the captain. I’m like, yo, bro, you did your thing, man. You flew that plane. Real quick, let me give you one of these wristbands. Gonna put that on. In case it jump off, wear your wristband. I’m trying to lose weight. It’s hard, man. Losing weight, they tell you everything you need to know about losing weight except for how much it’s gonna cost. But it’s hard when it’s time to lose weight. Drinking all these damn smoothies. And they expensive– five, six damn dollars for fruit and ice in a cup, how? How, Sway, how, how? How is it five, six damn dollars for fruit and ice in a cup? And they trick you with smoothies, they try to trick us, ’cause they put all them little extra words and adjectives in the name of the smoothie. Don’t fall for it. It’s fruit and ice. “Okay, you had a Mango Sunset Peach Tranquility and…” Uh, no, mm-mmm. I ain’t have no Tranquility. Take the Tranquility out, take that out. Hold the Tranquility. That– that should knock it down to 3.50. That should get it down. Smoothies so expensive, I’m surprised rappers don’t talk about ’em in their songs. Give a damn about a rapper with a damn nice car and some jewelry. You wanna impress me, pour some kale out in the club. Do that. That’s how I know your ass got some mon… ♪ We drinking kale up in here ♪ ♪ We got that kale up in here ♪ ♪ People drinking kale up in here ♪ ♪ We drinking kale– ♪ There be some girl in a bikini with soy milk just drizzling down. [laughter] I don’t know about marriage, like… A lot of my friends are married, and I’m at this weird age now, I’m at this weird age, where, like, I got friends getting married late and I got friends that’s getting divorced. You know, and I don’t know who to go celebrate with. This my thing about divorce. What I love about divorce, I love how people won’t shut the hell up about they wedding, but they divorce is none of your business. That’s not cool. You running your mouth all this time about your engagement, y’all break up, what happened? I wanna know, tell me what happened. Especially if I went to the wedding. If I went to your wedding and you divorced, I’m entitled to a one-page explanation, much money as I spent. Either you tell me why y’all getting divorced or you give me back the toaster I bought your ass. It’s a good-ass toaster. That’s four-slice with the crumb tray, that’s top-shelf. With a bagel button. You all know about that bagel button, that’s for ballers. My Uncle Derek told me to watch Titanic. “You want to learn how to woo a woman, you got to watch ‘Titanics.'” Country for you, “Titanics.” “You don’t know how to woo a woman, boy. “I’m telling you, ‘Titanics’ show you. “That boy Leo DiCaprio, boy, that boy got that girl, boy, “and that girl was out of his league, he pulled her. “And then he died, he died happy. “He was smiling when he was drowning. He float down smiling.” I went back and watched Titanic. Titanic is not that romantic of a movie. It’s a good film, but it ain’t romantic. Titanic is basically a movie about an old lady who got some dick so good… that she went back out into the ocean to say good-bye to it. [laughter] That’s pretty much the movie. Go back and watch Titanic. The whole thing is a flashback. It’s a 90-year-old lady and she’s on the bow of a ship. The whole movie’s a flashback. It’s a 90-year-old lady, she’s looking out into the water and then it flashes back to everything that happened on the ship, he drowns, she lives, they come back present day and she’s looking out into the water and then people are coming up and talking to her. “Ma’am, are you– are you thinking about all your friends you lost out there?” “Oh, no, baby, I’m thinking about that good dick “that was down there. “There’s some good dick under that water, “that’s what I’m thinking about. “Right here, 70 years ago. “This is where I got my back beat out. “Didn’t you know that? “Right here. “Young gentleman, poverty-stricken, “put that pipe on me, I couldn’t handle it. “Just steaming up and I was pressing my hand “on that car window, that’s why I walk like this. Give me the jewelry.” She threw that jewelry into the water. Titanic ain’t no romantic movie. If anything, it’s a superhero movie. It’s a superhero movie. Leo DiCaprio is a superhero, bro. They had sex one time in that movie. Once. They had sex one time in Titanic. And she remembered it for the next 70 years. [laughter and applause] You know how good your pipe game got to be? To put it down once, one time, and for 70 years, that’s all she can think about. She’s 90. Think about how much stuff you probably will forget. I know by the time I’m 90, I’m not gonna where my– I’m not gonna know where my car is parked, I’m not gonna know my grandkids’ names. I’m gonna have my pills in that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday trapdoor. But this lady is 90 and she never forgot that one time– His dick beat Alzheimer’s. That’s a superpower. You gotta respect that. I like old people, man. I hope– I hope I’m blessed enough to– to live long, change the diet up, add a couple years on the back end. You know. Old people, I just– I want to get to that age where I can just cuss people out for no reason. You know what I’m saying? Just unprovoked cussed-outs. Yeah, she already smiling. You almost there? You got… No, ’cause you look a little young. You got a little more time, but you just– You already trained, you already cuss people now. Yeah, man, you old, you get to just cuss people out for no reason. I was in the grocery store, this old dude rolled up on me, man. “I was in the struggle, motherfucker.” “And you weren’t there!” I wasn’t bothering this dude. I’m in produce, I’m picking out my Fuji apples. I’m not bothering nobody, Fuji apples. But he rolled up his sleeve, he showed me the scars. Dude’s old, 80, 85 years old. “Look at that scar. Ask me– ask me how I got the scar.” How’d you get the scar? “I got it in the struggle, motherfucker.” “You don’t know what it was like in ’62.” I’m like, “What was it like?” “It was a struggle, you son of a bitch.” And this is the thing, man, this is the thing with old black people, man, old black people, like, you can’t disrespect ’em, because they have physical proof that they were willing to die to make the country a better place for me, so I have to salute it. I paid for his groceries. This dude called me motherfucker for 20 minutes. And I paid for his groceries. Just off respect. That got me thinking on the way home… you know, what have I done? And that’s– that’s a very sobering feeling, it’s a sobering realization to have, to realize that what you’ve done doesn’t quite measure up to what that man did, you know? This dude called me motherfucker and got free groceries. That’s how much he put in work. Like, I know I’m not gonna get that same result. Like, I wish I could, but I know I’m not, I’m– ‘Cause the thing is that you start reflecting, you start reflecting on what you’ve done that compares to that and I look at the things that I try to do now. Like, I try my best to be socially active. I try my best to do stuff on “The Daily Show” that affects change, I try. [cheers and applause] But… I’ll be real, a lot of what I do now is just making up for lost time, ’cause I wasn’t always like that, and that’s something I’m ashamed about. I didn’t go see Obama get inaugurated ’cause it was too cold. That was my excuse. That was my excuse for missing history– it’s cold. And my homeboys called me up, “We riding the bus, we going up to D.C., let’s ride the bus.” I got cable, man. I didn’t go the second time. I had four years to buy a coat. And still didn’t go see him. I skipped history twice. That’s embarrassing. ‘Cause sooner or later, my son’s gonna be doing a book report on that. And he gonna flip to that Obama inauguration page, and you’re gonna see those thousands of black people out on the National Mall just standing there, and he’s gonna come to me and I gotta be accountable for my absence. “Daddy, were you there?” Yeah, yeah, I was… [laughter and applause] Yeah, I’m right– They cropped me out, I was right there on the side. I just hope that, you know, what I try to do now is enough, you know. That’s all you can do is what you can do, but I want free groceries. And I’m not sure if what I did is enough, so I might have to just spice up my story, just add whatever happened. ‘Cause when I’m 80, I’m gonna go in the grocery store, start cussing out kids. You wasn’t in the struggle, motherfucker! You don’t know what it was like in 2017. “What was it like?” It was a struggle in 2017, motherfucker! We tried to march for police reform, I ordered six nuggets, them white folks only gave me five! I had to pay for two sauces! [cheers and applause] Atlanta, I can’t thank y’all enough for the time. Thank y’all so much for coming out, man. Appreciate y’all. [cheers and applause] Some shit go down in America them white artists go straight to the studio, pen and pad, right? “I’m gonna write a new one!” ♪ I got a pet eagle his name is Chuck ♪ ♪ I feed him bacon and freedom and I fuckin’ love Chuck, uh-uh ♪

1686242633-337

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ERIC ANDRE: LEGALIZE EVERYTHING (2020)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eric-andre-legalize-everything-transcript/

Opening Sketch [dramatic music playing] [street bustles] [cars honk] [drumming rhythmically] [New Orleans jazz band plays] [sirens wail] [police dispatcher murmurs] [siren whooping] [tires screeching] [engine revs] [dispatcher continues] [whooping continues] [tires screech] [dramatic music softens] [bottles shatter in slow motion] [bottles rattle in slow motion] [dramatic music fades] [jazz band continues] I stole this from the evidence room, man. [men ooh] -Legalize it. [flicking lighter] He got weed! [laughs] [men cackle] You a damn fool. What… [laughs] [flicking lighter] [bong bubbling] Really? You police? [Eric] Yeah. [rustles bag] Yeah? Mushrooms. Ma’am, I’m high as a Georgia pine. Ah… Hey, you guys want coke? [passenger] What the fuck? I stole these pills and these ‘shrooms from the evidence room. You stole ’em and you took ’em? This stuff will knock you into next Tuesday. You gotta get high with me. You in trouble right now. Yeah. [chuckles] Right? You gotta find the glory holes around this city. You know what I mean? [moans sexually] [jazz band continues] Oh, yeah. [woman] Oh, no. [gurgles] Is that really marijuana? [flicks lighter] Yeah. [bong bubbles] Can I have a hit? No, no, no! [bong bubbling] [Eric] Yeah! [screaming] Legalize everything! [siren wailing] [“3rd Ward Bounce” by Big Freedia plays] * * * [audience cheers] [host yells] Give it up for Eric Andre! [audience cheers and applauds] Yes! Come on! [Eric yells indistinctly] [yelling continues] [cheering intensifies] [Big Freedia rapping faintly in song] [yelling] Let’s go, New Orleans! [applause and cheering continues] What the fuck! New Orleans, [frenzied] what the fuck is going on! Yes! [“3rd Ward Bounce” fading] [prolonged] Holy shit! [mic stand thuds] Where my weed smokers at? Make some noise. [audience cheers] [woman screams] ‘Cause I’m a narc. Book ’em! [audience laughs] You’re under arrest, El Chapo! [audience laughs] You guys ever have one of these days? You ever, like, smoke a big-ass joint, and just blow it right into a baby’s face? [audience laughs] [man] Hell yeah! [gruff] We got to make these kids cool. Right, daddy-o? [audience laughs] Grab the Jack Kerouac books and dribble a little CBD oil in that baby’s eyes! [audience laughs] Or did you ever do this growing up? Did you ever, um, sprinkle cocaine on your little brother’s toothbrush, [audience laughs] like, right before kindergarten class? He was like… [grinding chaotically] He was on the playground with, like, a Bluetooth in his ear, and he was handcuffed to an attache case. [audience laughs] And he was just walking back and forth on the playground like, [gruff] “Buy! Sell! Trade! Buy! Sell! Trade! Buy! Sell! Trade! Don’t look at it! Eat it!” [audience laughs] I like acid. That’s my favorite drug, LSD. [audience cheers and applauds] Parkour down here, my man! Parkour from that side to that side, John Wilkes Booth! [audience laughs] [woman whoos] [man] Yeah! Prove your loyalty to this crowd. [audience laughs] I’m like you guys. I like acid. I like LSD. Right? But every time I drop acid, I jerk off to anime, right? [audience laughs and whoops] I’m like, “Oh, yeah. Sailor Moon’s looking real good this year, man.” I got a belt around my neck. I’m like, “I don’t care if this is a Ross Dress For Less! [gasping for air] Squatters’ rights!” [audience laughs] Know your rights, squatters. [audience cheers] [cheering intensifies] [cackles] [exhales] I wanna make– [stammers] You ever go to a football game and you see the guys with beer helmets? I want to make, like, a cocaine helmet [audience laughs] with two big bags of blow on each side of it. And I want a couple of straws coming out of each bag, and I want to cram ’em up each of my nostrils, and get high as shit, and go to an actual football game and root for the referee the entire time. [audience laughs] Just be like, “Yeah! You’re making some honest-ass calls, bro! Whoo! What’s your email, man? Let’s start a Hotmail account together! [sputtering and panting] Dude, if we started a band, by this time next year, we could be headlining the Fyre Festival!” [audience laughs] [audience members whoop] I’ve done the worst cocaine in my entire life in New Orleans. -What is going on? [audience shouting] Shame on the coke dealers of New Orleans! Pablo Escobar’s rolling in his grave. [audience chuckles] I swear to God, I bought an 8-ball off this guy, I think I gave him a hundred bucks. I think he just walked around the side of the building, and scratched drywall into a Ziploc bag. [audience laughs] I was like… [sniffs, babbles indistinctly] [audience laughs] I have good news. I finally smoked weed with my mom. [audience cheers] [patting back] [audience applauds] -Did it. Took me 36 years of campaigning. Finally did it. Now, keep in mind, my mom is a 700-year-old Jew, okay? [audience laughs] -It wasn’t easy. No, she came to my house. We were in Los Angeles. And I’m driving around with my mom, and I go, “Mom, smoke pot with me.” And she goes, [mimics] “No. It’s illegal.” And I go, “No, it’s not. It’s legal now.” And she goes, “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] I swear to God, it was that easy. So we went to my house, I’m trying to smoke a bowl with her, and she can’t inhale. She looks Dizzy Gillespie the whole time. She’s like… [sputtering, blowing raspberry] So I give her a little weed cookie, and then we start playing Scrabble, and then 20 or 30 minutes later her eyes got all red. And she looked up at me and she goes, [gravelly] “My mouth is dry. [audience laughs] Is that part of the appeal?” [audience laughs] And then she snapped. She was like, “Bring it in. Bill Cosby didn’t do it. [audience laughs] I did it.” [audience laughs] And I haven’t seen her since. [audience laughs] [Eric laughing] By the way, Bill Cosby is guest bartending tonight, if you guys want some really strong drinks. Whoo! [audience cheering] [audience applauds] [Eric cackles] You guys wanna know what my original opener for my Netflix special was? [all] Yeah! -I was actu– I was gonna walk out, walk to the front of the stage, jerk off into the audience and go, “Free Louis CK! [yells indistinctly] [audience laughs] [screaming] RIP, Louis! [audience laughs] [mic thuds] My man Louis’ locked up!” [yelling continues] [Eric laughs] Is there medicinal marijuana out here? [all] No. No. Who’s the governor? [audience murmurs] Bobby Jindal? [audience] No! Who? Malcolm-Jamal Warner from The Cosby Show? [audience laughs] [woman shouting] L. Ron Hubbard? [audience laughs] Okay. I’m excited. I just got my medical crystal meth card. Whoo! [audience cheers and applauds] Whoo! The doctor was like, [Old South accent] “You don’t have enough scabs on your face -my boy. [audience laughs] Let me write you a prescription.” I guess my doctor’s Foghorn Leghorn. [audience laughs] I don’t know what that voice is. It’s the only impression I can do. [Old South accent] “What in the– I say, what in the…” [audience laughs] Most of my set is just… [gurgles indistinctly] [audience laughs] Uh… What’s the most high you’ve ever been in public you think, my man? [audience chuckles] Hmm? Well, what do you think, my man? Oh, shit. Hold on, my man. What’s the most high you’ve ever been in public, my man? [audience laughing] [breathes into mic] What’s the most high you’ve ever been in public? [mumbling] [knocking mic] Just talk to me, my man. [audience laughs] Jesus Christ. [audience laughs] [thuds mic] [fumbling] Guy came out of nowhere. [audience laughs] [sighs] I think the most high I’ve ever been in public, is a tie for first place. Okay, there’s the, uh, the first time I did… MDMA… molly. [sighs] [audience whoops] And, uh, the other time was when I went and saw the Tupac hologram at Coachella. [audience laughs] So the first time I did molly, uh, it was like ten years ago. I went to this comedy festival, and I bought a bunch of those little molly pills, and I went to see a comedy show. And I was with my buddy Carl. I gave him a pill. I took a pill, and we felt like a million dollars, right? Serotonin machine gun going off in my brain. And I felt so good, that I turned to my friend, and I go, “Dude, if we eat, like, four or five more of these little guys, [audience laughs] we’ll feel four or five times as good, my man.” -That’s basic math, bro-bruh! [audience laughs] So we fucking wolf down a bunch more. What a fucking mistake, because then my eyeballs started working independently, like a chameleon. [audience laughs] Like… [blabbering] Like David Attenborough from Planet Earth started narrating my thoughts. Like, “This asshole has taken more drugs than he can handle, and now his heart will do a Slipknot drum solo.” [imitates rapidly thumping heartbeat] My eyes were doing, like, Diplo air horn sounds, just… [mimics DJ’s rapid air horn effect] [audience laughs] So I fucking panic. I ran outside, my heart’s beating out of my chest, right? And I’m like, “I’m gonna have to go to the fucking hospital.” I’m having a meltdown. And I go, “No. I got it. I’ll make myself throw up.” Or, uh… We call it, “pulling the trigger”, you know what I mean? Uh, or at least that’s what we called it in ballet class. I don’t know what you call it, but… [audience laughs] So I run outside… and I’m fucking slamming my finger in the back of my throat. The problem was, I had so much MDMA coursing through my veins, it wasn’t making me throw up. It just felt like I was hitting a hidden G-spot… in the back of my throat, and my uvula was like a giant clitoris. [audience laughs] So I was just like… [scream-vomiting] [moans sexually] [audience laughs] [scream-vomiting] Oh, boink-boink! [screams euphorically] And I’ve never cummed harder [stool thudding] -in my entire life! [audience laughs] [audience cheers] First and only time I have ever achieved orgasm. [audience cheers and applauds] [cheering intensifies] Thank you. Okay, and then the Tupac hologram. All right, so, check this out. So I go to Coachella. It’s weekend two. I’m fucking hyped to see this goddamn Tupac hologram. And it’s so whack, but I’m, like, caught up– I’m, like, “Oh, yeah! I can’t wait to see this Grand-Theft-Auto-4-era CGI Tupac.” [chuckles] [audience laughs] So I was drinking all day. We’re out in a big field, it’s late at night. Thousands of people. We’re all watching Snoop Doog and Dr. Dre on stage, right? And my friend Brian hands me, like, a big-ass Xanax bar. Right? Like a big… [audience laughs] fucking, like, a George Clinton horse pill, right? But Xanax is not a good party drug. It makes you black in and out of consciousness. You lose your memory. But I wasn’t thinking. So I wolf it down, and I tell my friend Brian, I was like, “Okay, hold up. I’m gonna make a pee-pee.” I go to the porta potties. I come back. My brain must have hit a Xanax black hole, because my friend Brian was like, “Dude, where the fuck have you been?” [audience laughs] And I go, “What are you talking about?” He’s like, “Bro, you’ve been gone for like 45 minutes. The Tupac hologram came and fucking went. [audience laughs] -You missed the entire fucking thing.” And I’ve never been more mad and high at the same time, [audience laughs] and I just turned around, and I started ripping grass out of the ground, going… [screaming] “No! [audience laughs] [screeching] Why?!” And it was during the most mellow Snoop Dogg song… [audience laughs] of his entire set. So I was– So Snoop Dogg’s on stage, like, ♪ S-N-O-O-P… ♪ ♪ Snoop-a-loop, Snoop-poop, Poop-a-scoop, Doo-ba-doo-ba-dee-doo ♪ And one by one, a sea of 1,000 people just look back at me going, [screaming] “Bury me alive! [audience laughs] [screeching] I don’t deserve to live!” Then I just overhear this dude rolling a blunt behind me, look back and go, “Well, I guess everybody enjoys Snoop Dogg differently.” [scoffs] [audience laughs] [blubbering] [audience cheers] [groans indistinctly] Is it just me or is a thug rolling a blunt the most homoerotic sight you’ve ever seen in your entire life? Especially if they’re a little homophobic. They’re like, “Get that gay shit away from me, cuz! Anyway, where was I? [groaning indistinctly] [audience laughs] [moaning indistinctly] No homo.” [blabbering] [audience laughs] They do this move. [gagging] [audience laughs] [continued gagging] [audience laughs] “Hey, you wanna hit this Swisher?” [gagging loudly] [frenzied] Bukkake! [audience laughs] We have arrived at the bukkake part of the set. [fast-tempo techno music playing] [audience cheering] [music stop abruptly] – I don’t like bukkake, man. Shit’s gross. Take it easy, Tokyo. [audience laughs] Jesus Christ, what’s going on over there? You know what bukkake is, right? [mumbling] Some of you are confused. Some of you are horny. -Listen… [audience laughs] if you don’t know, bukkake… [sighs] [audience laughs] [sighs] Well, when one woman and… ten bros love each other very much, [audience laughing] very much… [laughs] [audience laughs] It’s gross, man. I can’t watch that shit, dude. It’s fucking demoralizing. I’m a feminist, okay? I watch reverse-role bukkake, [intensifying] where six to ten women squirt on a Japanese businessman’s face! [audience cheers] [audience applauding] I’m sorry. I’m the most progressive motherfucker on Pornhub. Capiche? [audience laughs] I sit down on the toilet when I pee to get in touch with my feminine side, and I take a shit in the urinal to get in touch with my masculine side. Come on, New Orleans! [audience applauds] [snorts] [audience laughs] I don’t like it when people say “no homo” either. I think that’s homophobic. I think if you say something that can be misconstrued as gay, instead of being like, [nasally] “Ew, no homo. I’m not gay,” lean into it, and suck a fucking dick already. Am I right? [audience cheers] It’s 2007 or whatever. A hole’s a hole, man. We all feel like hot spaghetti in the dark. We’ve all been to prison or summer camp, right? You can’t get a dude’s butthole pregnant. [yelling] No condoms tonight! [audience laughs and cheers] One time, I was drunk at this concert, and I, uh… [laughs] was washing my hands in the bathroom, and this dude came up to me, and he goes, “Oh, shit, man. I’m a huge fan, bro.” I was like, “Thank you, man.” And he goes, “No, for real. I fucks with your show.” I was like, “Thank you, man.” And he goes, “You mind if I get a picture real quick?” I was like, “Yeah, no problem.” Took a selfie with the guy. And then, I swear to God, as he was walking away, I heard him go, “Yo…  Pshh… [prolonged] Key and Peele! [audience laughs] Yo, that’s Key and Peele right there, dog! [audience laughs] Just took a selfie with him, dog.” [audience laughs] So not only did that guy think I was Key and Peele… [audience laughs] he thinks Key and Peele is one person. [audience laughs and applauds] First name “Keyand”… [audience laughs] last name “Peele”. [audience laughs] This other dude came up to me, I was in Brooklyn. It was like two in the afternoon. Dude came up to me on the sidewalk. And he was like, “Hey, I’m a big fan. I went and saw your live show.” Sometimes I’ll do The Eric Andre Show live and me and Hannibal will interview people on stage. And then I’ll just jump in the audience and spray ranch everywhere and beat people up. It’s basically Gallagher meets GG Allin for 45 minutes. [audience laughs] So I… [chuckles] So this kid came to one of the first tours. Came up to me, two in the afternoon in Brooklyn. He goes, “Hey. I’m a big fan. I’ve been to your live show. I don’t know how to tell you this, but… your penis has been in my mouth.” [audience laughs] I was like, “What?!” I was like, [loudly] “Excuse me?” But what had happened was… [laughs] [audience laughs] So Hannibal’s on stage, and he goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, The Eric Andre Show.” I come out from the back. Keep in mind, it’s the season one tour. So there’s only, like, nine dudes in the audience. [audience laughs] So I come out from the back, butt naked. I didn’t know what was legal– or, illegal at the time. Came out from the back, butt naked. I jumped off the front of the stage. Like, [screaming] “Yeah!” And this dude was front fucking row, like, [yelling] “No! [audience laughing] Ah!” [audience laughs] Then he said for a millisecond, my entire flaccid dick was just like… [expelling air] [audience laughs] [laughs] It just, like, flicked the back of his tonsils. [audience laughs] And I just turned and looked at him, I was like, “Thanks for coming to the show, man!” [audience laughs] And then we snorted a line of drywall together. [laughs] [audience laughs] [snorting] [audience cheers] But I think the war on drugs is bullshit, man. I think it’s a complete waste of taxpayers’ money. [audience cheers] Yeah. It’s done absolutely zero to curb drug addiction. It just allows cops to lock up black kids five times as much as they do white kids. [audience cheers] It’s racist, Nixon-era bullshit. Abolish the DEA. [cheering continues] Legalize all drugs in this country! Except for Salvia. That shit sucks! [audience laughs] -Salvia, if you don’t know, it’s this super hallucinogenic that makes you guaranteed bad trip. You go to fucking Planet Zebulon and back. [audience laughs] And, at best, you feel like you’re trapped inside of a losing game of Tetris. You’re just like, -“Ah! Here comes the purple rectangle!” [audience laughing] But before we make Salvia illegal, this is what I want to do. I want to– You know how Jerry Seinfeld does that show, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? I wanna pitch to Netflix Comedians in Ubers Smoking Salvia. [audience laughs] So hear me out. I’ll be in the Uber, right? And the Uber driver is not in on it. It’s all hidden camera. [audience laughs] And it’s just me and Ellen DeGeneres in the back, blowing clouds of Salvia smoke… in the Uber driver’s fucking face. He’s like, “Hey, are you the guy from 2 Broke Girls?” [screams] [audience laughs] [mimics bomb exploding] Five stars. [audience laughs and cheers] I think the best feeling in the world is when you get… pulled over by a cop, and you have absolutely nothing… illegal on you, right? [audience cheers] Don’t you feel like the cockiest son of a bitch in that moment? You got no… weed. You got, you know… Your tags… aren’t expired. You’re not… human trafficking, or whatever this row is into. [audience laughs] I got a lineup of school shooters in row one. You gotta see ’em. Right, man? [audience laughs] I mean, it’s fucking– I got school shooter energy over here. They all got the same look, smudgy glasses. Your name’s probably Dylan, I’m assuming. [audience laughs] I know my people. I know my demo. [gruff] “Wait till 8chan hears about this show. [cackling] Women deny me their pleasures. [grunts] I can make an AK-47 in five minutes on a 3-D printer. [audience laughs] Eric Andre speaks to the demons in my mind! I’m on the dark web. I’m in the subreddits. I get it. I’ll read your manifesto later. [audience laughs] Do you remember the show Cops? Did you guys ever watch the show Cops? [audience cheers] Is it just me or is reggae the most inappropriate music they could have picked… [audience laughs] [chuckling] to open up the show Cops? You can’t slap reggae over police brutality footage… and call it a day. You can’t– That’s not an intro for a– The intro to Cops was like, [screaming] “You’re under arrest, you unarmed, innocent black teenager! Boom!” [Jamaican accent] ♪ Jamaica man come downtown ♪ [audience laughs] ♪ Rasta boy right ♪ ♪ Welcome to the island Of peace and purity ♪ [yelling] “Kiss my boots, you disenfranchised, transgender prostitute! Bam!” ♪ Jamaica is a tropical island ♪ [audience laughs] [singing gibberish] ♪ Our national currency ♪ ♪ Is the delicious coconut! ♪ [audience laughs] [gruff yelling] “This is a system invented by rich, white, Christian, heterosexual businessmen. And if you don’t match that description, [intensifying] then it is my job to subjugate and oppress you, motherfucker! For I am your judge, jury, [screeching] and executioner! [audience cheering] [mimics rapid gunfire] [mimics beating and shooting] [rapid shooting continues] [audience laughing] ♪ Under the sea Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪ [audience laughs] ♪ Under the sea ♪ [audience cheers and applauds] [body thudding] [cheering and applause continues] [groans in pain] I popped a blood vessel in my asshole during that joke. Thank you. [woman cheers] Oh, fuck. I’m sweating like Jeff Epstein’s final moments up here. [audience laughs] Oh, fuck. [stoned voice] Jeff Epstein didn’t kill himself, man. [audience laughs] -Seven-eleven was an inside job, bro. Tyler Perry directed the moon landing, man. [audience laughs] I think sex work should be legal, too, man. I think– Yeah, thank you. [audience laughs] It’s a noble profession. Sex work! I said “sex work”! [man] Yeah! [woman] Yeah! It’s a noble profession. Uh… I indulged one time. [exhales softly] [audience laughs and cheers] I went to Amsterdam with my friend, Michelle, and she– I’d never been there before. She took me around the red-light district, and it’s totally legal, man. And the sex workers dance pretty much naked in the windows, and I thought I would have the maturity to handle an event like that, [audience laughs] but I was walking around the red-light district like I was Beavis and Butt-head. I was just like… [cackling crudely] [audience laughs] And then my friend Michelle turned to me and she slapped 50 euros in my hand and goes, “Yo, bro, it’s your first time in Amsterdam, dog. You gotta fuck one of these chicks tonight. Boom!” She slapped 50 in my hand, and I went from Beavis and Butt-head to the most nervous, nebbishy, neurotic Sol Rosenberg Jew. I was just going up to these women like, “Uh… Excuse me, miss. Uh… [audience laughs] [trembling] How much money is it to, uh… penetrate your vulva? [audience laughs] [nervously clears throat] Gulp.” So I… found a little sweetie pie. [audience laughs] And she took me upstairs to her crust punk bed, [audience laughs] and we started making the sex. I’m talking penis-in-vagina-type shit, dude. [audience cheers] Straight missionary position, cuz. [cheering continues] -Regular-sized codom on, bro. [audience whooping] Then, you know, it was pretty normal, man. I came. She farted, and, uh… [audience laughs] And then I went downstairs, and right when I walked outside, I saw an ATM, and I started biting my knuckle. I was like, [nervously] “Oh, for 50 more bucks, man, I could go for a round two. [audience laughs] Oh, fuck, man. I’m a sex addict, man. I gotta… I gotta get out of here, man. Get that ATM away from me, man!” And I rushed out of there. And then, of course, lo and behold, half an hour later, I was back in the red-light district, fucking the shit out of that ATM. [audience laughs] [audience cheers] [whooshing] Coins are spilling out and shit. So after I, uh… went to Amsterdam, I flew over to Cuba, and when I was in Cuba– [women whoo] [clicks tongue] Yes… Dame más gasolina. Or whatever. [laughs] [audience laughs] Uh… [chuckles] [audience laughs] So I went to Cuba, and I, um, bought this souvenir in a gift shop. And the only reason I bought this souvenir is because it is the worst English translation [audience laughs] I have ever come across in my entire life. [audience laughs] First question is, what in the fuck is this thing? [audience laughs] Just off the bat. Second of all, I bought it because it reads– You tell me if this makes sense to you. [forcefully clears throat] “If you enter to our kitchen, and the she finds it dirty, it is because the one that not scrubs this, and the one that this it is not the one that scrubs, [audience laughs] and as you he won’t scrub, don’t criticize as this.” [audience laughs] [audience applauds and cheers] “Don’t criticize as this.” Okay? It works in every language. [audience laughs] Hello? It’s universal. This was actually– This was Sammy Sosa’s acceptance speech at the MLB Hall of Fame. [audience laughs] Yeah. Yeah. I like to think that this is the first draft of the TLC song “Scrubs”. [audience laughs] T-Boz wrote it while she had a migraine and she couldn’t get the rhythm right. ♪ I don’t want no scrubs ♪ ♪ It is because the one That not scrubs this ♪ ♪ And the one that this It is not the one that scrubs ♪ “Damn it! I don’t got it yet! [audience laughs] [mouths] Fuck!” [audience cheers and applauds] [cheering intensifies] Next time I have an audition for a television show or a movie, and the casting director’s like, “Yeah, feel free to bring in a scene from your favorite play, [audience laughs] or a… or a mono– a soliloquy… or a monologue from your favorite film, I wanna bring this into the audition with me, and go, “Yeah, I’m gonna be performing this today. [audience laughs] Uh… That’s my– That’s my headshot right at the top.” [audience laughs] And then just deliver the dialogue off of this, as if it’s the dramatic performance of a lifetime. Just be like… “If you enter to our kitchen, [audience laughing] and the she finds it dirty, [laughing continues] it is because the one that not scrubs this [intensifying] and the one that this it is not the one that scrubs, [screeching] and as you he won’t scrub, [gasps for air] don’t criticize as this!” [audience cheers] And she’ll be like, “Great. You booked it. You’re a dead body on Law & Order.” [audience laughs] -I’m like, “Yes! Nailed that shit, dawg. [audience laughs] [farts] Oh… Here. Thank you.” Dude, Papa John’s got fired from Papa John’s! [audience laughs] [mimics bomb exploding] Okay, so Papa fucking John’s was dropping the N-bomb at work like it’s 19-diggety-six. Like he’s Ty Cobb in the dugout. [audience laughs] [scoffs] Okay, so this is what happened. So he was, like, bitching and moaning about the NFL players kneeling. And then they gave him, like, racial sensitivity… racial sensitivity training at his work. And during racial sensitivity training, he started saying the N-word like crazy. They’re like, “Dude! This is supposed to have the opposite effect, Papa!” [audience laughs] And his real defense, I swear to God, he goes, [East Coast accent] “Oh, whatever. Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word all the time.” [audience laughs] Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word all the time? First of all, Colonel Sanders is practically fictional, okay? [audience laughs] That is the weakest defense. That’s like, [East Coast accent] “Whatever, bro. Ronald McDonald threw an egg at a synagogue one time. [audience laughs] Oh!” [puffs air] Leave the colonel alone. Oh, I found this out. It’s rumored that KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken, has these factory farms where they raise these genetically modified chickens with abnormally large chicken breast meat two to three times the size of a natural chicken. And these chickens spend their entire life bogged down by their own chicken breast meat, and they just waddle around in their own filth their entire existence. And I was like you guys/ when I heard that information. I was like, “Yo. We gotta go down to these factory farms, and titty-fuck these chickens, dog! [audience laughs and cheers] Yo! These chickens sound hot as fuck, dude! [audience laughs] Are you kidding me? It’s like spring break, Kentucky, baby! [blubbering] [audience laughs] Motorboat! Wet chicken contest!” [audience laughs] Fuck. [audience laughs] [woman whoos] What I think we should abolish is the federal government. Both parties are corrupt. They’re not serving us. [audience cheers] We should start a new country! [yelling] I should run for president! [cheering continues] So fucking old and boring, the Constitution is. We should throw that out right away. It condones slavery and prisons. Are you fucking kidding me? Get rid of the Constitution. Know how old it is? You know what the third amendment is? The third amendment is: If a soldier wants to take over your house, the third amendment protects you from a soldier commandeering your house. -Because it was written in 17-dickety-six, [audience laughs] when there were muskets, you know what I mean? When are you ever gonna have to flex the third amendment in your real life? Like, some drunk admiral’s on your lawn… Like… [banging] “Oh, come on, bro. Let me crash on the futon tonight, my man!” [audience laughs] You’re like, “Uh-uh, Admiral. I plead the third, motherfucker!” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “Come on, man. My battery’s on five percent, and my Uber just canceled, man. [audience laughs] Let me at least hold the string cheese out the fridge.” [audience laughs] You’re like, “Take it up with Thomas Jefferson, bitch!” Bow! [audience laughs] Enough with this libtarded political bullshit. Who eats ass out there? [audience cheers and applauds] Not me. Lick a toilet, sicko. That’s where poop comes from. Yuck! [audience laughs] I tried it once, all right. It tasted like a pretzel, all right? [audience laughs] It tasted like– You ever had Combos at the gas station? [audience laughs] [man cackles] It tasted like, and looked like, a pizza-flavored Combo. Yeah. [laughing continues] And I did– I did it after she took a shit at the gym. So don’t harass me. [audience oohs] I got my brown wings, sir, okay? I licked the chocolate balloon knot, all right? [audience shouting] I can’t put my dick in that thing either, man. I can’t put my dick in that asshole, ’cause it’s like a dirty crab knuckle, just suffocating the life out of my dick. [Italian accent] And the puss is-a right around the corner. What’s a-better– What’s a-even better than the puss? Eh? [audience applauds and cheers] What is-a even better than the puss? What’s the matter, guys? The puss is a-no good? Huh? [audience laughs] You don’t like-a the puss? You gotta force your dick into that fucking violent, [blowing] fucking brown circle. [audience laughs] Fuck. I mean, gay men don’t have much of a choice. You could try sticking it in that little pee-pee hole, but that probably hurts a lot. Trust me. [audience laughs] I got my asshole licked one time. Okay? [woman whoos] And I’m gonna be honest with you, it felt a hell of a lot better than I thought it was gonna feel. I was like… [audience laughs] [mumbling] I actually quite enjoy– It felt like somebody was conducting an orchestra, -with a piping hot wet wipe in my asshole. [audience laughs] [singing classical melody] [audience cheers] Okay, so here’s the story. I was dating this freaky British girl. She’s giving me a blowjob. And then she continued going down between my buttcheeks, and she started licking my asshole. And I was like, “Babe, [scoffs] that’s not gonna feel good at all–” [yells euphorically] [audience laughs] She started spinning me around like a Harlem Globetrotter basketball. [singing the Globetrotter theme] And then she finally came up for a breath of air, and it looked like she had Nutella just dripping off of her goatee. [audience oohs] You wanted it. [audience laughs] A little bit about myself, I am blewish. I am black and Jewish. [audience cheers] Uh… Thank you. [audience applauds] My… My dad looks like Arthur Ashe, and my mom looks like Howard Stern. [audience laughs] And that is why I look like Ernie from Sesame Street. [audience laughs] [lazily] My parents done fucked, bro. My parents done– My dad is from Haiti, and my mom is from Manhattan. Guess which one’s the Jew? [audience laughs] And, uh… My dad just found out what Google is a few weeks ago. Can I tell you how fucking old school and fresh off the boat my father is? He’s like… [Haitian accent] “Oh-oh, now they have Google? [squealing] Whoo! [audience laughs] You can type one word in Google, bloop-bloop, one million words come up!” [audience laughs] I can’t do my dad’s voice. I’m sorry. I sound like the fucking lion king. I’m sorry. But, man, uh… yeah, my parents fucked, okay? -My parents… [audience laughs] My parents fucked. Everyone in here, your parents fucked. [audience laughs] Your parents– Everybody, let’s do a meditation. Close your eyes and picture– Imagine your parents, your dad, balls deep… [audience groans] …and finishing in your mom. ‘Cause that’s what happened. You can moan and groan all you want. But you wouldn’t be here, you little shits, if your dad didn’t fucking… ka-splooge… -explode his Spider-Man DNA web  into your long-suffering mom’s vulva, who wasn’t bothering anybody. She was just playing Sudoku, she was eating cantaloupe. [audience laughs] Your fucking disgusting, horny dad just came in… You gotta admit it, right? Fact of life. Your dad had sex with your mom. Your mom went down on your dad. [audience laughs] Your dad went down on your mom. [audience laughs] And then your dad put on that leather gimp mask and he lied under a glass coffee table. Your mom took a big shit over it, and then five months later, you were born. Okay? [audience cheers] I’m assuming he’s a premie, I don’t know. [audience applauds] He has premature energy. I don’t know. Has anybody walked in on their parents having sex? Anybody walked in on their parents having– Show of hands if you walked in on your parents [man whoos] -havin’ the sex. [audience members murmuring] This guy. What happened? [man speaking indistinctly] Wait, hold on. This guy’s got a story to tell. Can we give him a microphone? [audience cheers] -Please. Let’s give this guy a microphone. He’s got a story to tell. He will not be silenced. He is living his truth. [audience cheers] What happened, my man? -Well, I was– -Tell me the sexy little details. [audience laughs] I was standing in the doorway. I was really young. -They didn’t see me. -Wait. How long ago? Was this two weeks ago, or like…? [audience laughs] -No, no. I was young. I was like… five. Why did you go in there? I just woke up in the middle of the night, like… -I was going into– -Were you for sure they were doing it? -Yeah. -Were you just, like, crying? Mascara’s just pouring down your eyes or…? [stammers] I just stood there. I was like… Uh… -Did you ever bring it up to them? -No. This is first time– You just suppressed -all this trauma. -Yes. -You never processed it. [chuckles] Well, I got good news for you. -because your parents are actually here! [audience cheers] Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson! Come on out! His parents are here! He’s gonna process all his trauma! Give it up for his parents, everybody! [cheering continues] -They’re here. Yes! They are finally gonna close the loop. Yes! Thank you. Thank you so much. [audience shouting] -Holy shit! [audience screaming and cheering] [audience laughs] Holy shit. He hasn’t watched this since he was five. We gotta close the loop. [shouting continues] [laughing] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh… It’s this for, like, 45 minutes, guys. [audience members whooping] [Eric laughs] [laughing] Okay. Okay. Okay. Wow. All right. All right, I think that’s enough. -I think we’ve all… seen enough. [audience cheering] -Thank you. [audience applauds] Thank you to your parents. God bless ’em. I’m a cashew, actually. I’m Catholic and Jewish. [audience laughs] But I’m neither. I don’t believe in any of that shit, man. I love being a Jew. I love– [stammers] I fucking– I love being a Jew. -I’m proud of it. [audience applauds] Long lineage. Sigmund Freud. -Larry David. I love all that shit. [audience laughs] I just don’t wear the hat or read the book. [chuckles] ‘Cause I don’t know if you ever cracked open the Torah, but it’s a little bit out of date. It’s like, [anxious] “Don’t eat shrimp. It gave Joshua a stomachache.” [audience laughs] You can cut the tip of my dick off, but I can’t go to Red Lobster? [audience laughs] And I don’t know the story of Jesus. It’s always confused me. I tried to chase it and figure it out. It doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Okay, so Jesus was a carpenter, right? So, he flipped houses and renovated bathrooms and shit. [audience laughs] And he also did miracles, which aren’t a real thing. So I guess he did magic tricks. So this guy is like Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, -meets Criss Angel, right? [audience laughs] He’s like, “Do you want some water, or… [buzzing] Pinot Grigio?” [audience laughs] And a bunch of desert drifter illiterates were just like… [frenzied] “Whoa!” [audience laughs] I kicked off this tour in Europe, and I went– I did great drugs, and we went to these fucking crazy sex clubs. And they’re not fucking pent up or weird about anything. And I come back here, and Americans are so fucking buttoned-up, man. You can’t show a nipple on Instagram. You can’t smoke a joint in Texas. And the reason we got like this, is because we were founded by the pilgrims. And the pilgrims were the worst, -bummer, buzzkill narcs of Europe. [audience laughs] And they thought western Europe was Sodom and Gomorra, and that God was gonna strike it down with his laser beam eyeballs. So, they all hopped on the Mayflower in 1620, and they moved to Plymouth, Massachusetts to start a Calvinist theocracy. And Calvin, John Calvin, their spiritual forefather, their fucking Yoda, the founder of Calvinism, was this uber-Christian, shriveled up, dower, murderous French clergyman, who would have his– He was like the original incel, -this guy, okay? [audience laughs] And he would have his fucking critics tortured and murdered. He had his stepson and daughter-in-law killed for premarital sex. And he fucking– He would drown single pregnant women alive if he found out that they were with child, and they weren’t married. This guy is the guy that continues to shape all of our morals and all of our politics from beyond the grave. So I beg of you, if you’re ever in Plymouth, Massachusetts, please, fill up up your Diva Cups with your pagan, Wiccan, -satanic period blood, [audience cheers] -splash it all over Plymouth Rock. [cheering continues] Hop in an airplane. Go to Geneva, Switzerland where John Calvin’s buried, and have bottomless, unprotected anal sex [audience cheers] -on that motherfucker’s tombstone. Cancel John Calvin. -It is your civic fucking duty! [audience applauds] Yes. [cheering continues] Thank you. You know what I believe in? Live, laugh, love. [audience laughs] I went back to Florida recently, and I visited my parents. [men whoo] And, uh… I text messaged this girl, Jessie, that I used to hook up with back in the day, right when I got to Florida. -I texted her, “Come over.” [chuckles] [audience laughs] ‘Cause I’m a real romantic Casanova motherfucker that cuts straight to the chase. [gruff] “Come over!” And, uh… she didn’t respond to that crass text. So, my follow-up text was 10,000 times worse. I go, [nasally] “Are you mad at me?” [audience laughs] -It’s the lamest, neediest– [aggressively] “Come over!” [nasally] “Are you mad at me?” [audience laughs] [clicks tongue] And then, a few minutes later, she very politely wrote back, “No. Sorry. I’m in Colorado with my boyfriend.” No big deal. I didn’t know she was in Colorado. I didn’t know she had a boyfriend. Pretty benign conversation, right? Or so I thought, because then I got a text from a number I do not know. -Okay, check this out. [audience oohs] So, [chuckles] this guy writes– He goes, “Hi!” And I go, “Who is this?” [audience laughs] And they go, “Are you a comedian?” -And I’m like, “Yes.” [laughs] [audience laughs] Another fan besides my mom. [audience laughs] And then they go, “I’m Kevin, Jessie’s boyfriend.” Ruh-roh! [audience oohs] And I swear I’m not making this up. I’ll fucking screen grab and air drop every one of you. -I don’t care how long it takes. [audience laughs] “I’m Kevin, Jessie’s boyfriend. I got a joke for ya. This guy keeps bothering my girlfriend, to the point where I get involved. Wanna know the punchline? Keep it up, you’ll find out.” [audience laughs] [groans nasally] Gulp. [stammers] And the texts are coming through green, so you know he’s a suss motherfucker. [audience laughs and applauds] Looking at you, Android users. [audience laughs] So, I just write him back, “Uh… What are you, dude? A bad guy from an 80’s spring break movie?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause who in the fuck talks like that, a South Park villain? [gruff] “See you on the K12, Jarsh.” [audience laughs] So let me plug– Wait. Do we got the dongle? Is the dongle here? Okay. All right, check this out. All right, let’s bring this out. Can we bring out the screen? [hums] [audience laughing] [humming continues] So I go, “What are you, a bad guy from an 80’s spring break movie?” And look at this guy’s response. [whining] [audience laughs] -Uh-oh. Five paragraph essay. “Eric, I’m normally a pretty civil guy.” [clears throat] [audience laughs] “You asking my girlfriend to come over, that’s funny. We can go back and forth, but I’d rather not waste my time. Leave Jessie alone. Don’t call her. Don’t text her. ‘Cause you’re not her friend, just a one hit wonder from her past.; [audience laughs and oohs] I’m willing to just forget everything, including your name, number, et cetera. Let’s end this, dot, dot, dot, now.” [audience laughs] So, I just wrote back, “Dot, dot, dot, [gruff] or else.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Hey, man. Where you texting me from, the Cobra Kai dojo?” [audience laughs] Fucking-A, this guy. [laughs] So, let me get– “You’re just a one hit wonder from her past.” Doesn’t make sense in that context. “I’m sick of my girlfriend -fucking all these one hit wonders, man! [audience laughs] [yelling] She fucked you! She fucked Chumbawamba! I’ve had enough!” [audience laughs] So anyway, five minutes later, I texted the girl back, -“Come over.” [audience laughs] I’ve been doing this ongoing prank to my mom. This text message prank to my mom. I call it “auto-fill roulette”. You know, like– You know when you’re sending a text and the three little words come up? If you press those words willy-nilly, it makes this, like, crazy, run-on Mad Libs sentence. And if you text that shit to your mom, it drives her fucking nuts! [audience laughs] -So I was wondering– It’s not too late. Is there anybody’s mom who’s awake right now? We can get a few moms going uh, that we can do this text message prank to. Is that cool with you guys? [audience cheers] -Okay, hand your phone to Joe. How are we gonna do this? Come on up. We’ll figure it out. Yes. Okay. Yes. Perfect. Yes. Oh, okay. Great. All right. I won’t say anything that the phone doesn’t say, okay? I’m only gonna say shit– Perfect! [audience laughs] -“How long… do you have?” [audience laughs] That’s my mom! It’s the phone. It’s not me. “Zero stars for a… good -night.” [audience laughs] Fuck it. “Probably my mom and… her… sister… and her… daughter… in the… shower.” [audience laughs and cheers] -It’s not me. -Take it up with Apple. [audience applauds] Take it up with Apple. “Thank y’all for… being such a… -bitch.” [audience laughs] It’s your phone. You shouldn’t write “bitch” so much if you didn’t want this to happen. What do you think? You think your mom’s like, “What the fuck is going on,” or is she just watching Dateline– Oh! [audience oohs] -Oh, here we go! -“Are you okay?” [audience laughs] -“No. [audience laughs] No, ma’am.” [chuckles] [audience laughs] [phone rings] Oh! [audience oohs] Oh, shit. [audience shouting] [ringing continues] Should I answer it? [audience cheers] [phone chimes] What’s up, Mom? Say hi to New Orleans. [audience cheers] [mom] Oh, no! This is crazy. You woke me up. You’re on my Netflix special. Oh, you’re kidding me. Yeah. Nice to meet you. I’m “Keyand” Peele. [audience laughs] I know who you are. Oh, my God. How did you get my number? I stole– [audience laughs] I stole your son’s phone when they arrested him. [audience laughs] Oh, my gosh. Just send me 20,000 in bitcoin if you wanna see him alive. [audience laughs] [mom laughs] You on the dark web? You in the subreddits? [audience laughs] I’m in my pajamas. I can’t do anything right now. Me too! [audience laughs] [mom laughs] What’s your address? I’m in New York. You seem chill. What’s your credit card number? [audience laughs] Oh, I’ll get it out. Hold on one second. [credit card rustles] Here. -Oh, that– [audience shouting] Oh, shit. You got the Amex corporate? I’m taking the private jet up there. I’ll be there in 30 minutes. Is your husband right there? He’s downstairs. I told you– Wake his ass up. [audience laughs] Oh, my God. Grab your Diva cup. We’re going to Plymouth Rock. [mom giggles] [audience cheers and applauds] [cheering intensifies] How– How is your mother? My mom’s great. Yeah? What’s she up to tonight? I don’t know about tonight, but I– I, uh… I got her to smoke pot with me. She’s 73. [audience shouts] Really? Yeah. She blazed the chronic. Why don’t you guys come over here? [audience oohs and cheers] You know what? I’ll show you. I think I have something you might like. [audience oohs and laughs] I got some edibles. -Oh! [audience cheers] This mom’s trippy, bro! [audience applauds] This mom’s sick. I haven’t opened them yet. What’s that? I haven’t opened them yet. Eat the whole thing. [audience laughs and cheers] [all shouting] Do it! [chanting] Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! -Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! [Eric cackling] You wanna say “Goodbye, America”? You’re in my Netflix special. Say, “Good night, America.” Good night, America! [audience cheers and applauds] [“3rd Ward Bounce” playing] [yelling] Good night, America!; [cheering continues] [audience screams] [Big Freedia rapping faintly in song] [cheering fades] [Big Freedia continues rapping] ♪ Third Ward Bounce Make them hoes count ♪ Quack.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

George Carlin: Doin’ It Again (1990) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-doin-it-again-transcript/

Recorded on January 12–13, 1990, State Theatre, New Brunswick, New Jersey So you want to talk about it? Oh yeah. It all started in 1977. I mean, that’s when I started doing it regularly. How many times have you done it? Six times. I’ve done it six times. Why do you do it? I don’t know. It’s like I can’t help myself. What does your family think? Thank God my family doesn’t know. But how’d you get caught? They were taping me. Taping you? Yeah. Every time I did it, they had a tape running. Jumbo shrimp, those words don’t even go together, man. That’s like military intelligence, they have that, too. How did they do that? That’s what they tell you, get on the plane, get on the plane. Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane. I wonder a lot of things, but that’s my job. My job is thinking up goofy shit. Al Sleet here, your hippie dippie weather man with all the hippie dippie weather, man. Got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard Snap, Crackle, fuck him. Have a nice day. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting. That’s all your house is, is a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. But here’s a little cheer, a lot of people like it, it goes like this, rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat. 69 assholes tied in a knot. Hurrah, lizard shit. Fuck. I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2s. Does it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re going to keep the fucking real ones. Thank you, thank you very much. Welcome to our show. Don’t you think it’s just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger, huh? Huh? What are these two men trying to tell us? Now I’d like to begin tonight with an opening announcement. Because of the FCC, I’m never sure what it is I’m allowed to say, So. So I now have my own official policy. This is the language you will not be hearing tonight. You will not hear me say, bottom line, game plan, role model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back, mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it, and I will not check it out. I don’t even know what it is. And when I leave here, I definitely will not boogie. I promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a beautiful person, or a happy camper. I will also not be saying, what a guy. And you will not hear me refer to anyone’s lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic word “lifestyle” is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an active, outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute things, like moi, and I will not use the French adverb très to modify any English adjectives, such as très awesome, très narly, très fabut, très intense, or très out of sight. I will not say concept when I mean idea. I will not say impacted when I mean effected. There will be no hands on state of the art networking. We will not maximize, prioritize or finalize, and we definitely will not interface. There will also… There will also be no new age lingo spoken here tonight, no support group jargon from the human potential movement. For instance, I will not share anything with you. I will not relate to you, and you will not identify with me. I will give you no input, and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a learning experience, nor will it be a growth period. There’ll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not establish a relationship, we will not have any meaningful dialogue, and we definitely will not spend any quality time. We will not be supportive of one another so that we can get in touch with our feelings in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you’re one of those people who needs a little space, please, go the fuck outside! We will, we will, however, be talking about those little moments that seem to last forever. Have you ever been in a serious social situation when you suddenly realize you have to pull the underwear out of the crack in your ass? Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Huh? Who, her? Oh, hell yeah. Well, it’s one of life’s little moments, isn’t it? It’s one of those little moments you have to deal with at the time. You can’t postpone that. You can’t put that off and be walking around like this. You’ve got to get in there and clear that thing out. You’ve got to rescue your underwear. There’s a letter in your mailbox. That’s right. And you have to rectify that situation so that you can move along to your next embarrassing moment, which is probably scheduled immediately. That’s the way life is, full of those little moments. Everybody knows them, everybody recognizes them. You ever been at a really loud party, I mean, a good loud party where the music is playing too loud and everybody is talking too loudly, and in order to be heard even by the person standing right next to you, you’ve got to be screaming at the top of your lungs. But every now and then at a party, it seems as though everyone shuts up at the same time. And only your voice, can be heard. Right, I know. I know. Well, what I’m going to do, I’m going to have my testicles laminated. Life’s little moments. You ever been talking to someone and you laugh through your nose and blow a snot on your shirt. And you have to just kind of keep talking, you know, and make believe it’s part of the design. Works all right if you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but otherwise they’re going to notice. Ed, you got a big snot on your shirt. Some guys are really cruel, you know. And some of these things are not even your fault. These little things that happen, you didn’t cause the situation, a lot of time you’re the victim. You walk into some situation, and suddenly you’re the one who’s taking all the heat. Not your fault. Give you an example of the kind of thing I mean. Did you ever meet somebody and you go to shake the guy’s hand and you suddenly realize he doesn’t have a complete hand? And you got to make believe it feels great, Right, you can’t go ahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh! You can’t do that. It’s not even an option. You got to hang in there and say hi, hey, swell hand. Give me three. Hi 3, yo! Not your fault. You didn’t cause that. You weren’t even there when it happened to the guy. You were probably out walking your dog, which is what I’m usually doing, walking my dog. Because I love my dog. I love all my dogs. I love every dog I ever had. I remember them all, and I love every one of them, still love all my dogs. And I’ve had me a lot of God damn dogs. In my lifetime I have had me a bunch of different dogs. Because you do keep getting a new dog, don’t you? You just keep getting one dog after another. That’s the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs. It’s true, you just keep getting a new dog, don’t you? That’s what’s good about them, they don’t live too long. And you can go get a new God damn dog. Sometimes you can get a dog looks exactly like the dog you used to have, right? You shop around a little bit, you can find a dog identical to your former dog. And that’s real handy because you don’t have to change the pictures on your mirror or anything, right? You just bring the dead one into the pet shop, throw him up on the counter, say give me another one of them. That was real good. And they’ll give you a carbon copy of your ex-God damn dog. Now, my favorite dog that I ever had in my whole lifetime was Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Some of you remember, I’ve talked about Tippie. Tippie was a good dog. Tippie was a mixed terrier. You know that word mixed that the veterinarian puts on the form when even he don’t know what the fuck you got. You bring in a little mixed puppy to a veterinarian and say, what is it? He’ll say, well, it’s definitely not a monkey. Tippie was actually part Dodge Dart. Poor Tippie was full of guilt, so much so in fact she’s the only dog I ever had who committed suicide. Yeah, well, we don’t say it like that around the house. We say she put herself to sleep. But she ran out in front of a milk truck. That’s fucking suicide. But that was her decision. That’s what Tippie wanted to do. And that’s the way it is in our family, if you want to commit suicide, we back you up. So we supported Tippie in her little suicide decision, then we brought her into the pet shop, threw her up on the counter, and said, give us something bigger. We’re trading up. We was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Because Tippie had been teenie, even before the truck came by. The truck had made her teenier, wider, but teenier. And we was looking for a bigger God damn dog. Not too big, you know, I don’t like a dog who’s bigger than I am. It’s bad enough looking for shit in one direction without having to duck flying turds as well. A good rule of thumb is keep the dog’s asshole below eye level. So we compromised, and we got us a mid-sized dog, knee high, just about like this size here, best size you can own, by the way. Most people know, this is the ideal size dog to have. You know why, anybody comes to visit you, the first thing that dog does is take his nose and put it right in their crotch. Oohh, oohh, he smells my dog. No, Marge, I don’t believe that’s the animal he has in mind. And people get embarrassed by that, especially the owner of the dog. The owner’s the one who’s saying stop that, stop that, will you stop that now, stop it. I’m awfully sorry about this. Not me, I say, get in there and get some of that. Get in there and sniff that thing out, go on. Listen, would you mind spreading your legs a little bit so he can get right in there? Yeah, stand like this for a little while, would you? Okay, looking good now. So how’s your mom and dad doing, anyway? Well, God bless them, it’s a wonderful couple. Go around the back, check it out in the back. Sniff that other thing in the back there. What’s that? Well, there’s two different smells he likes, what can I tell you. Don’t pay him no attention, he’ll be finished in just about half an hour. So listen, Reverend, it’s real nice of you to come and call on us like this. Every one of us is always glad to see you around here, especially that God damn dog. Those dogs are great, they’ll break the ice when a new neighbor comes to call. Hi, we’re the Johnsons. What’s his name? Ball Sniffer. He’s a crotch hound. Let me know if you want to get circumcised, he’s on duty till 5:00 o’clock. Dogs are a constant source of entertainment. Did you ever have a dog that ate cat turds? Some of them do, some of you must know that? Did you ever have a dog eat cat turds? Yeah. Of course you got to have a cat, you know. You can’t be buying cat turds at the supermarket. But it’s true, some dogs will eat cat turds, yeah. Don’t let them lick you that day. Get a bottle of Listerine for him. Try to make him gargle. Pour it down his throat and tell him to howl. Come on, howl, howl, God damn it. Stomp on his tail. Howl, I said, God damn it, howl. Oh, dogs are a lot of fun. Did you ever have a dog that ate a bunch of colored balloons and then he takes a shit and it’s real decorative like? Or sometimes at Christmas they’ll eat some tinsel and take a shiny shit. Wow, look, mom, can we hang it on the tree? Well, it is considered good luck in some cultures. Here’s a little household hint for you. This will help you clean up after your dogs. Feed your dog a lot of rubber bands. Put a lot of rubber bands in with his regular food, then when he takes a shit, there’s usually a little loop in the end of it. You just pick it up by the loop, do you know what I mean? Throw it in the neighbor’s yard. Yeah. That’s why I travel around, give these little household hints. Bet you never read that one in Heloise, huh? Yeah, about time for me to get a little drink of water. Figure this stuff is safe to drink. Huh? Actually, I don’t care if it’s safe or not, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I’m an American, and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. That’s right. I’m a loyal American, and I’m not happy unless I’ve let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. Let me have a few hundred thousand carcinogens here. Ah. A little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer, I think. It’s good for you, keeps you on your toes. Besides, I ain’t afraid of cancer, I had broccoli for lunch. Broccoli kills cancer. A lot of people don’t know that, it’s not out yet. It’s true, you find out you got some cancer, get yourself a fucking bowl of broccoli, that’ll wipe it right out in a day or two. Cauliflower, too. Cauliflower kills the really big cancers, the ones you can see through clothing from across the street. Broccoli kills the little ones, the ones that are slowly eating you away from inside, while your God damn goofy half-educated doctor keeps telling you, you’re doing fine, Jim. In fact, bring your doctor a bowel of broccoli, he’s probably got cancer, too, probably picked it up from you. They don’t know what they’re doing, it’s all guesswork in a white coat. Here, let me have a few more sips of industrial waste. Ah, maybe, maybe I can turn them cancers against one another. That’s what you got to hope for, you know, that you get more than one cancer so they eat each other up instead of you. In fact, the way I look at it, the most cancer you got, the healthier you are. Well, I know, some people don’t like you to talk about those things, I know that. Some people don’t like you to mention certain things. Some people don’t want you to say this, some people don’t want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Some people are really fucking stupid. Did you ever notice that, how many really stupid people you run into during the day? God damn, there’s a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and pencil with you, you wind up with 30 or 40 names by the end of the day. Look at it this way. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn’t take you very long to spot one of them, does it. Take you about eight seconds. You’ll be listening to some guy, and say, this guy is fucking stupid. Then, then there are some people, they’re not stupid. They’re full of shit. Huh, that doesn’t take very long to spot, either, does it. Take you about the same amount of time. You’ll be listening to some guy, saying, well, he’s fairly intelligent. Ah, he’s full of shit. Then there are some people, they’re not stupid, they’re not full of shit, they’re fucking nuts. Dan Quayle is all three, all three, stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts. And where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her, at a Halloween party or something? She looks like Prince Charles, for Christ’s sake. Let me ask you something, does he actually have to fuck that woman? Huh? God help him, I wouldn’t fuck her with a stolen dick. That’s my political humor. People like it when you’re topical. Oh, some people don’t like you to talk like that. Oh, some people would like to shut you up for saying those things. You know that, lots of people, lots of groups in this country want to tell you how to talk, tell you what you can’t talk about. Sometimes they’ll say, well, you can talk about something, but you can’t joke about it. Say you can’t joke about it because it’s not funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time, like rape. They’ll say, you can’t joke about rape. Rape’s not funny. I say, fuck you, I think it’s hilarious, how do you like that? I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd. See? Hey, why do you think they call him Porky, huh? I know what you’re going to say, Elmer was asking for it. Elmer was coming on to Porky. Porky couldn’t help himself, he got a hard-on, he got horny, he lost control, he went out of his mind. Lot of men talk like that, lot of men think that way. They think it’s the woman’s fault. They like to blame the rape on the woman, say, hey, she had it coming, she was wearing a short skirt. These guys think women ought to go to prison for being cock teasers. Don’t seem fair to me, don’t seem right, but you can joke about it. I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke, what the exaggeration is, what the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration, every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion. Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like this is the paper? Every now and then you run into a story that says, some guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and while he was in there, he raped an 81-year old woman. And I’m thinking to myself, why? What the fuck kind of a social life does this guy have? I want to say, why did you do that? Well, she was coming on to me. We were dancing, and I got horny. Hey, she was asking for it. She had on a tight bathrobe. I say, Jesus Christ, be a little fucking selective next time, will you? Now, speaking of rape. You know what I wonder? I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole? These are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone and the power goes out. I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole. I mean, per capita. I know the populations are different. Most people think it’s the equator. I think it’s the North Pole. People think it’s the equator because it’s hot down there, they don’t wear a lot of clothing, guys can see women’s tits, they get horny, and there’s a lot of fucking going on. That’s exactly why there’s less rape at the equator, because there’s a lot of fucking going on. You can tell there’s a lot of fucking at the equator, take a look at the population figures. Billions of people life near the equator. How many Eskimos we got, 30, 35? No one’s getting laid at the North Pole, it’s too fucking cold. Guys say to their wives, hey, tonight honey, huh, tonight, huh? Are you crazy, the wind chill factor is 300 below. These guys are deprived, they’re horny, they’re pent up. Every now and then, they bust out, they got to rape somebody. Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has, trying to get wet leather leggings off a woman who’s kicking. Did you ever try to get leather pants off of someone who doesn’t want to take them off? You would lose your hard on in the process. Up at the North Pole, your dick would shrivel up like a stack of dimes. That’s another thing I wonder. I wonder, does a rapist have a hard on when he leaves the house in the morning, or does he develop it during the day when he’s walking around looking for somebody? These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools. Now I probably got the feminists all pissed off at me because I’m joking about rape. Feminists want to control your language. Feminists want to tell you how to talk. And they’re not alone, they’re not alone, I’m not picking on the feminists, they got a lot of company in this country. There’s a lot of groups, lot of institutions in this country want to control your language, tell you what you can say and what you can’t say. Government wants to tell you some things you can’t say because they’re against the law. Or you can’t say this because it’s against a regulation. Or here’s something you can’t say because it’s a secret. You can’t tell him that because he’s not cleared to know that. Government wants to control information and control language because that’s the way you control thought. And basically that’s the game they’re in. Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they’re going to tell you some things you shouldn’t say because they’re sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn’t say, religion’s going to suggest to you some things you ought to be saying. Here’s something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning. Here’s something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night. Here’s something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in Spring at 4:00 when the bells ring. Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying, same with political groups of all kinds, political activists, anti-biased groups, special interest groups are going to suggest the correct political vocabulary, the way you ought to be saying things, and that’s where the feminists come in. Now, as I said, I got nothing against the feminists. In fact, I happen to agree with most of the feminist philosophy I have read. I agree for instance that for the most part, men are vain, ignorant, greedy, brutal assholes who’ve just about ruined this planet… Who’ve just about ruined this planet because they’re afraid someone might have a bigger dick out there somewhere. Men are basically insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they go to war over it. You don’t have to be a political scientist or a history major to see the bigger dick foreign policy theory at work. It goes something like this, what, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them. And of course, the bombs and the bullets and the rockets are all shaped like dicks. I don’t understand that part of it, but it is part of the equation. So I agree with that abstract, that man, men, males, have pushed the technology that just about has this planet in a stranglehold. Mother Earth, raped again, guess who? Eh, she was asking for it. I also happen to like it when feminists attack these fat ass housewives who think there’s nothing more to life than sitting home on the telephone drinking coffee, watching TV and pumping out a baby every nine months. Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom, ba boom, ba boom. Will seven be enough, Bob? Ba boom, ba boom. But what’s the alternative? What’s the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Pointless careerism? Putting on a man tailored suit with shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? This is the noblest thing that women can think of, to take a job in a criminal corporation that’s poisoning the environment and robbing customers out of their money? This is the worthiest thing they can think of? Isn’t there something nobler they can do to be helping this planet heal? You don’t hear much about that from these middle class women. I’ve noticed that most of these feminists are white, middle class women, they don’t give a shit about black women’s problems, they don’t care about Latino women. All they’re interested in is their own reproductive freedom and their pocketbooks. But when it comes to changing the language, I think they make some good points, because we do think in language. And so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. I think spokesmen ought to be spokesperson. I think chairman ought to be chairperson. I think mankind ought to be humankind. But they take it too far. They take themselves too seriously. The exaggerate. They want me to call that thing in the street a person hole cover. I think that’s taking it a little bit too far. What would you call a lady’s man, a person’s person? That would make a he-man an it person. Little kids would be afraid of the boogie person. They’d look up in the sky and see the person in the moon. Guys would say come back here and fight like a person, and we’d all sing, For It’s a Jolly Good Person. That’s the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night with David Letterperson. You know what I mean? So I think it’s an exaggeration, and I like to piss off any group that takes itself a little bit too seriously, and it does not take a lot of imagination to piss off a feminist. All you got to do is run into N.O.W. Headquarters or Ms. Magazine and say, Hey, which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come home and cook me a nice meal and give me a blow job? Blow job. Oh, that pisses them off. You want to piss off a feminist, call her a cum catcher, that’ll get her attention. Ah, don’t act disgusted, don’t act disgusted, half of you are going to go home and go down on each other tonight, remember? If you’re willing to swallow cum, let’s not make believe something I said was disgusting, okay? All right. Let’s not have a double standard here, one standard will do just fine. Now, speaking of blowjobs. Do you know why they call it a blowjob? So it’ll sound like it has kind of a work ethic attached to it. Make you feel like you did something useful for the economy. Long as I’m being a complete pig up here, let me ask you guys a question. Let me ask one question of the men. Are you ever able to watch a woman eating a banana and not think about a blowjob, huh? I can’t do it. I can’t do it, and I know why, I’m a sick evil fuck, I know that. I accept that. But I can’t do it. Eating a banana, eating a pickle, licking on an ice cream cone. I’m saying to myself, look at the tongue on her, wow. So you women be careful when you’re standing out in front of that Hagen Daas, because God damn it, we’re watching. And God damn it, we’re thinking. Another woman’s issue, prostitution. I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal, fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic on that at all. Of all the things you can do too a person, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the Army, they give you a medal for spraying Napalm on people. Civilian life, you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand it. I got strange ideas anyway. You know what I think they ought to do with that Miss American contest? I think they ought to make the losers keep coming back until they win. I’ll tell you. That would get a little spooky after about 35 years or so, huh? I just want to work on world peace. Fine, sit down before you fall down, will you? And pick up all these Goddamn batons. I got a lot of ideas. You know what I think? I think Kleenex ought to have little targets on them. Wouldn’t that be a good idea, little bulls eyes right in the middle of the Kleenex, make it kind of sporting when you’re with your friends. (Blowing nose sound) Look Dave, an 85. That’s a good idea. I got a lot of good ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. I got a lot of good ideas for new products like that. That’s what I think about on my off duty hours, things we need, products we ought to have that we don’t have. You know what we ought to have, we ought to have a diet salad dressing called 500 Islands. See, good God damn ideas, like that, huh? A Christian deodorant, Thou Shalt Not Smell. How about a feminine hygiene spray called Sprunt. Huh? Well, you’d never forget the name, would you? It would always be on the tip of your tongue, see? Marketing, marketing, that’s where I belong, among other places. Marketing. Here’s an idea I got. This is a yo-yo with a 2,000-foot string. You use it when you visit the Grand Canyon. See, I’m a visionary, I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead. Here’s a good idea, a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at. Yeah, kind of too idealistic, never make any money on a thing like that. Here’s something that’s going to make you a fortune, get in on this. This is a roach spray, it doesn’t kill the roaches, but it fills them with self-doubt as to whether or not they’re in the right house. Yeah. Here’s something I’m trying to interest the Japanese electronics firms in this. This would be a great product for Sony. This is a combination cassette player and colostomy bag. It’s called Shitman. Huh? Sure. Well, you never see that. You never see that. You never see a guy jogging down the street, listening to a Shitman. No, that’s one of those things you never see. There’s a lot of things you never see. And you don’t know you don’t see them because you don’t see them. You got to see something first to know you never saw it, then you see it and say, hey I never saw that. Too late, you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says, shit happens. You never see a really big tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with the roll bar. You never see someone taking a shit while running at full speed. And you never see a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a dildo. You’ll never see it. That’s one of those things you never see. Then there are some things you never hear, that makes sense. Some things you never hear. You never hear this, Dad, you really ought to drink more. Here’s something you don’t hear too often Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone. Here is something no one has ever heard, ever, ever. As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off. You know why you never heard that? Right, no one ever said that. Which to me is the more amazing thing, no one ever thought to say that before tonight. I’m the first person in the world to put those words together in that particular order. First guy, number one. Here’s something you don’t hear too often, Honey, let’s sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking opium rectally. Mom? Mom, I got a big date tonight, can I borrow a French tickler from you? Then there are some things you don’t want to hear. Some things you just flat don’t want to hear. You don’t want to come home from work and hear, honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks? You don’t want to be sitting in your doctor’s office and hear this. Well, Jim, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t live another 20 to 30 years. However, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes. Here’s something I don’t want to hear, I’m pregnant, you’re the father, and I’m going to kill all three of us. Calm down, have some dip. Honey, it’s the police. They have a search warrant, and the 300 kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room. Here’s something nobody wants to hear, nobody wants to hear this. Try to think back to when this was appropriate to your life. You and your fiancé have been invited to your mom and dad’s house for dinner for the first time. Halfway through dinner, your fiancé stands up and says, I’ll be right back. I got to take a dump. There seems to be no really gentile way of announcing publicly a dump. And frankly, I’m not impressed with people who tell me what they’re going to do when they go to the bathroom in the first place. Doesn’t it bother you, people that announce it, I’ll be right back, I’m going to take a shit. Never mind. Do what you have to do and leave me out of it, and don’t describe it when you come back. Boy, you should have seen… Never mind. It set off the smoke alarm. Never mind. I have never understood that, nor have a cared for it. Something else I don’t care for, these organ donor programs. That shit bother you a little bit? Sounds like Josef Mengele’s been sitting on some of those meetings or something? Organ donor programs. The thing that bothers me the most about it is they’re run by the Motor Vehicle Bureau. I figure, hey, shit, you got to wait on a line that long for a kidney, fuck it, do without. It’s the Motor Vehicle Bureau in most states who send you the little card you’re supposed to carry right next to your wallet, right next to your driver’s license, in your wallet, little card. You’re supposed to fill it out and on it you’re supposed to list the organs you’re willing to give in case you die. Are these people out of their fucking minds or something? Do you honestly believe that if a paramedic finds that card on you in an automobile accident, he’s going to try to save your life? Bullshit, he’s looking for parts, man. Absolutely. Look, Dan, here’s that lower intestine we’ve been looking for. Never mind the oxygen, this man’s a donor. Bullshit, they want something of mine, they can have my rectum and my anus, that’s all I’m giving, take them and get out of here. Put them in your bag and get the fuck out of my life, that’s all I’m giving. I don’t want some guy poking around in me, hoping I die. I want to live. I don’t want to die. That’s the whole secret of life, not dying. I figured that shit out alone in third grade. And don’t be pulling any plugs on me, either. Here’s another bunch of macho asshole bullshit floating around this country, people talking about ah, pull the plug on me. If I’m ever like that, if I’m comatose, if I’m like a vegetable, pull the plug on me. Fuck you, leave my plug alone. Get an extension cord for my plug. I want everything you got, tubes, cords, plugs, probes, electrodes, IV’s, you got something, stick it in me, man. You find out I got a hole I didn’t know I had, put a fucking plug in it. Vegetable, shit, I don’t care if I look like an artichoke. Save my ass. There’s three things I want if I’m ever in that condition, three things I got to have, ice cream, morphine and television. You give me that ice cream every two hours, give me that morphine about… every ten minutes, and turn on the fucking TV. I want to see Geraldo. And don’t be coming to visit me, I got no time for life people, I’m brain dead here. You people got no respect for the brain dead? Hey, you got to be brain dead to watch Geraldo in the first place. You might as well watch him when you’re clinically brain dead. There’s one other thing I thought about concerning this comatose thing, and this might help you someday. This little piece of information might come in handy sometime in the future if you’re in this circumstance. If you knew a family, if you knew a family and one of them was a homosexual and he was in an automobile accident and he was comatose, you could always comfort that family by saying, well, look at it this way, he was a fruit, now he’s a vegetable. Listen, at least he’s still in the produce section. Now I probably got some other group pissed off at me because I said fruit. There’s a different group to get pissed off at you in this country for everything you’re not supposed to say. Can’t say fruit, can’t say faggot, can’t say queer, can’t say Nancy boy, can’t say pansy. Can’t say n*gger, boogie, jig, jiggaboo, skinhead, jungle bunny, moolie, moolie yan or schwarz. Can’t say yid, heeb, zeeb, kike, mackie, dego, ginny, wop, ginzo, greaser, greaseball, spick, beaner, oya, tiger, PR, Mick, donkey, turkey, limey, frog, squarehead, kraut, jerry, Hun, chink, jap, nip, slope, slopehead, zip, zipper head, gook. There is absolutely nothing wrong… There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those words in and of themselves. They’re only words. It’s the context that counts. It’s the user. It’s the intention behind the words that makes them good or bad. The words are completely neutral the words are innocent. I get tired of people talking about bad words and bad language. Bullshit. It’s the context that makes them good or bad, the context that makes them good or bad. For instance, you take the word n*gger. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word n*gger in and of itself. It’s the racist asshole that’s using it that you ought to be concerned about. We don’t care when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy says it. Why? Because we know they’re not racists. They’re n*ggers. Context. Context. We don’t mind their context because we know they’re black. Hey, I know I’m Whitey, the blue-eyed devil patio, fake gray boy, honkie, motherfucker myself. Don’t bother my ass. They’re only words. You can’t be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it’s an unpleasant truth like the fact that there’s a bigot and a racist in every living room on every street corner in this country. I don’t like words that hide the truth. I don’t like words that conceal reality. I don’t like euphemisms or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms, because Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protect themselves from it. And it gets worse with every generation. For some reason it just keeps getting worse. I’ll give you an example of that. There’s a condition in combat, most people know about it. It’s when a fighting person’s nervous system has been stressed to its absolute peak and maximum, can’t take any more input. The nervous system has either snapped or is about to snap. In the First World War that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language, two syllables. Shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was 70 years ago. Then a whole generation went by, and the Second World War came along and the very same combat condition was called battle fatigue. Four syllables now, it takes a little longer to say, doesn’t seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock, battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea in 1950, Madison Avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called Operational Exhaustion. Hey, we’re up to eight syllables now, and the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase, it’s totally sterile now. Operational Exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car. Then of course came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about 16 or 17 years. And thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it’s no surprise that the very same condition was called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Still eight syllables, but we’ve added a hyphen, and the pain is completely buried under jargon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I bet you if we’d have still been calling it shell shock, some of them Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. But it didn’t happen, and one of the reasons is because we were using that soft language, that language that takes the life out of life. And it is a function of time, it does keep getting worse, give you another example. Sometime during my life, sometime during my life toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn’t notified of this, no one asked me if I agreed with it. It just happened. Toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest room dining. And constipation became occasional irregularity. When I was a little kid, if I got sick they wanted me to go to the hospital and see the doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization, or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery professional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupies substandard housing in the inner cities. And they’re broke. They’re broke. They don’t have a negative cash flow position, they’re fucking broke. Because a lot of them were fired. You know, fired, management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce. Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins, it’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody any more. They neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation and something they call Sunshine Units. Israeli murderers are called Commandos. Arab Commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called Freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do Freedom Fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it. Some of this stuff is just silly, we all know that. Like on the airlines, they say they want to pre board. Well, what the hell is pre board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on? They say they’re going to pre board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples. Simple, honest, direct language. There’s no shame attached to the word cripple that I can find in any dictionary, no shame attached to it. In fact it’s a word used in Bible translations, Jesus healed the cripples. Doesn’t take seven words to describe that condition. But we don’t have any cripples in this country any more. We have the physically challenged. Is that a grotesque enough evasion for you? How about differently abled? I’ve heard them called that, differently abled. You can’t even call these people handicapped anymore. They’ll say, we’re not handicapped, we’re handy capable. These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you’ll change the condition. Well, hey cousin doesn’t happen. Doesn’t happen. We have no more deaf people in this country, hearing impaired. No one’s blind any more, partially sighted or visually impaired. We have no more stupid people. Everybody has a learning disorder, or he’s minimally exceptional. How would you like to be told that about your child, he’s minimally exceptional. Oh, thank God for that. Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people those with severe appearance deficits. It’s getting so bad that any day now I expect to hear a rape victim referred to as an unwilling sperm recipient. And we have no more old people in this country, no more old people. We shipped them all away, and we brought in these senior citizens. Isn’t that a typically American 20th Century phrase? Bloodless, lifeless. No pulse in one of them. A senior citizen. And I’ve accepted that one, I’ve come to terms with it, I know it’s here to stay. We’ll never get rid of it, that’s what they’re going to be called, so I’ll relax on that. But the one I do resist, the one I keep resisting, is when they look at an old guy, and they say, look at him, Dan, he’s 90 years young. Imagine the fear of aging that reveals, to not even be able to use the word old to describe someone, to have to use an antonym. And fear of aging is natural, it’s universal isn’t it. We all have that. No one wants to get old, no one wants to die, but we do. So we bullshit ourselves. I started bullshitting myself when I got to my 40’s. Soon as I was in my 40’s I’d look in the mirror and I’d say, well, I guess I’m getting older. Older sounds a little better than old, doesn’t it. Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bullshit, I’m getting old, and it’s okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll pass away. Or I’ll expire like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, they’ll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient care outcome, and if it’s the result of malpractice, they’ll say it was a therapeutic misadventure. I’m telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit, makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill. Thank you all. Give me a little light for Moe. Moe says hello.

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BILL HICKS: THE CENSORED SEVEN MINUTES ON LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [FULL TRANSCRIPT]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-censored-david-letterman-transcript/

On October 1, 1993, Hicks was scheduled to appear on Late Show with David Letterman on CBS, where Letterman had recently moved. It was his 12th appearance on a Letterman late-night show, but his entire performance was removed from the broadcast: until that point the only occasion where a comedian’s entire routine was cut after taping. Hicks’s stand-up routine was removed from the show, Hicks said, because Letterman’s producers believed the material, which included jokes involving religion and the anti-abortion movement, was unsuitable for broadcast. Producer Robert Morton initially blamed CBS, which denied responsibility; Morton later conceded it was his decision. Although Letterman later expressed regret at the way Hicks had been handled, Hicks did not appear on the show again. Hicks was undergoing chemotherapy at the time of his final Late Show appearance, unbeknownst to Letterman, and most others outside of Hicks’s family, and died less than four months later. Letterman finally aired the censored routine in its entirety on January 30, 2009. Hicks’s mother, Mary, was present in the studio and appeared on-camera as a guest. Letterman took responsibility for the original decision to remove Hicks’s set from the 1993 show. “It says more about me as a guy than it says about Bill,” he said, after the set aired, “because there was absolutely nothing wrong with that”. * * * Late Show with David Letterman, October 1, 1993 Thank you! Good evening! I’m very excited to be here tonight! I just got some great news today. I finally got my own show on TV coming out as a replacement show this fall. Yeah. [The audience applauds] Thank you. I’s not a talk show, don’t worry. [The audience laughs] It’s a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled “Let’s Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus.” [The audience bursts into laughter and applause] Thank you. It’s fairly self-explanatory: Each week we let the Hounds of Hell loose and chase that jar-head, no-talent, cracker idiot all over the globe… ’til I finally catch that fruity little pony tail of his, pull him to his knees, put a shotgun in his mouth—Pow! [The audience is applauding and laughing throughout this run] Then we’ll be back in ’94 with “Let’s Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton.” [The audience laughs and applauds] Also look out for our Vanilla Ice/M. C. Hammer/Marky Mark Christmas Special. [The audience whoops and applauds] And I don’t want to give away any surprises, but Marky Mark is the first one we catch and kill on that show… [Audience cheers] … because his pants kept falling around his ankles, and he couldn’t run away. [Bill mimes a hobbling Marky Mark. The audience laughs] I crossbow him right in the abs! Bring the whole kids, the family, and everything, it’s a Christmas Spectacular. [The audience laughs] I don’t know what my deal is, I’ve got a 31 year old curmudgeon, that’s the deal you know I went to a dance club the other day, you know, I got dragged against my will, you know, and this girl asked me to dance, which I thought was hilarious, you know, “Would you like to dance?” you know, I’m like “Yeah, you read my mind, you know, that’s why I’m leaning in the darkest corner closest to the exit, you know… I’m about to boogie… I’m about to cut a rug.” But it’s weird, women had this weird myth, “you can tell the way a guy is in bed by how he is on a dance floor.” Hey, that’s ridiculous, what does it matter? You know what I mean? if a guy is on a dance floor, really getting into it, enjoying himself, expressing himself, what does it matter how he is in bed… he’s gay! [The audience laughs] Real men don’t dance, they sit, sweat, and curse. [The audience laughs] Speaking of homosexuality, you know, I consider myself fairly open-minded, but something has come to my attention I find absolutely shocking. I don’t know if you’ve heard about these new grade school books for children to teach them gay lifestyles. You know what I’m talking about? One of them is called Heather’s Two Mommies, the other is called Daddy’s New Roommate. [Bill makes a shocked, disgusted face] I’m gonna have to draw the line here folks, and say this is absolutely disgusting, okay? [The audience whoops and applauds] It is grotesque and evil. I’m talking about Daddy’s New Roommate…uh… Heather’s Two Mommies is pretty cool. [Audience laughs] I don’t know if you… check that out… they’re hugging on page seven! [Lasciviously] Oooh! Go, Mommies, go! Oooh! Anyway… it makes me miss my youth… [Audience laughs] People annoy me. You know what’s really annoy me? These pro-life people. You ever look at their faces? [Bill makes a pinched face, crossing his eyes] “I’m pro-life!” But they don’t look at, they just exude the joie de vivre, you know. You see them trying to go to an orphanage, and adopt a kid, “we’re pro-life, we’re here to adopt.” The kids are just “oh, don’t pick me, oh no, [?], 15, newer bed, no problem, just keep Heather’s Two Mommies coming, and we’re fine in here.” [Audience laughs] “I’m pro life” You know, if you’re really pro-life do me a favor, don’t lock arms and block med clinics, okay? If you’re so pro-life do me a favor, lock arms and block cemeteries, okay? [Audience laughs] Let’s see how committed you are to this idea. [Here Bill mimes the purse-lipped pro-lifers. As pro-lifer:] “She can’t come in!” [As confused member of funeral procession:] “But she was 98! She was hit by a bus!” [As pro-lifer:] “There’s options!” [Audience laughs] [Again, as confused funeral-procession member:] “We’re gonna have her stuffed? What are we gonna do with it?” “We’re pro-life.” The same look non-smokers give to you. “I’m a non-smoker. I’m a pro-life nonsmoker.” I’m getting that look a lot these days, cuz I started smoking again, and I had nine months without cigarette and I started again and I’m getting that look… [Audience applauds] You’re applauding me starting or stopping? What are you– The smokers: “hey, you’re back!” Non-smokers: [Bill makes a pinched face, crossing his eyes] “it’s terrible, I can’t believe he started again, why? after nine months!” I have this belief. If that scenario is at all true, when you die you go to heaven and st. Peter meet you at the gate, I have this belief the first thing he’s gonna ask you is “you got a light?” “You mean y’all smoke here?” “Yeah, that’s why it’s heaven! These aren’t clouds, this is cigarette smoke pal! Hell is a non-smoking section, you want to look at them for a minute?” “Okay.” “I can’t believe it they do to their bodies it’s so smelly, it smells like an ashtray, why do they want me to smell that?” “God, that’s hellish!” “Exactly! Light up and come on in, in… Hendrix is on harp tonight.” [Audience laughs] So, I’ve been traveling—I was over in Australia– I was in Australia over Easter. Which was interesting to note, they celebrate Easter the same way we do—commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit [Audience laughs] left chocolate eggs in the night… [Audience laughs] I wonder why we’re messed up as a race, anybody got any clues? I’ve read the Bible, can’t find the word “bunny” or “chocolate” anywhere in the book. Why those two things? Why not, you know, “Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawers?” You know, just making stuff up, go hog-wild. [Audience laughs] But I think it’s interesting to note how people act on religious beliefs, you know what I mean? Like, a lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he’s really gonna want to look at a cross? [Audience laughs. Bill makes a face of pain and horror.] Ow! That may be why he hasn’t shown up yet. [Audience laughs] Going [As Jesus looking down from Heaven:] “Man, they’re still wearing crosses dad, I’m not going, no, they totally missed the point, I’m not going, forget it. I’ll go back as a BUNNY.” Thank you. [Audience bursts into applause and laughter. The band kicks into “Revolution” by the Beatles.] Thank you very much! Good night! [Bill crosses over to the seat next to Letterman’s desk.] [Letterman:] Good set Bill! Always nice to have you drop by with an uplifting message! [Audience and Bill laugh. We cut to a commercial.]

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JIM JEFFERIES: INTOLERANT (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-intolerant-transcript/

[rock music plays] [cheering and applause] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Jefferies! [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause continues] Hello, Boston! How you doing? Thank you for that. Thank you for that. You all getting fucked up? [cheering] I’m not drinking. I got water. -I can’t drink like I used to drink. Okay? [audience] Aww. I used to drink– I used to be a daily drinker. I used to be five drinks, every day, seven days a week, which is 35 drinks a week. Which the FDA of America says that means I’m an alcoholic. They say anything over 20 drinks makes you an alcoholic. Bullshit. [laughter] That’s less than three drinks a fucking day. That’s a reasonable amount of fucking drinking. You can have three drinks a day. There’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have a problem. [laughter] Two lines of coke a day isn’t a coke problem. [laughter] It isn’t a coke problem. That’s less than a gram a week. [laughter] You know why I stopped drinking so much is because I cracked open a beer, and my son, he was five at the time, he looked up at me, he went, “Daddy, are you drinking again?” [laughter] I’m like, “Where the fuck did that come from, you little…?” [laughter] Like, very clearly it was from the woman who I gave a house to, but I was like… [laughter] So, I don’t… I don’t drink… I don’t drink like that anymore. I don’t drink, ’cause I’m a good dad, you know? So, what I do now is I just drink one day a week, but I still get my 35 in. [laughter] That’s how society has pushed me. [cheering and applause] That’s why if you ever see, like, a woman and she’s like in her mid-thirties and it’s 9:00 p.m. and she’s all dolled up, but it’s like she’s holding her shoes and just stumbling around and vomiting in alleyways, don’t feel sorry for her. She’s just a good mom. [laughter] Found a window of fucking time. [laughter] The Queen of England drinks four cocktails a day. That’s eight standard drinks a day. That means she’s a full-blown fucking alkie. Full-blown. [laughter] My question is, is she a nice drunk or a fucking nasty drunk? Around cocktail three, does she start trawling the palace, just… [laughter] “Philip! [laughter] Philip!” And Philip’s like, “Ah, fuck, Lizzie’s at it again. [laughter] Get my Land Rover ready.” [laughter] She’s just trawling around, “Philip!” [laughter] She goes into one room, she jumps back out with a crown on her head, “Ha-ha! [laughter] I look like the money.” [laughter] I got to tell you a story right now. To tell this story, I have to start off by saying that I’m lactose intolerant. [woman cheers] That means that I will not… tolerate lactose. [laughter] If I eat lactose, 40 minutes later, and you can set your fucking watch by it, [laughter] I will shit myself. [laughter] That sounds like more than just intolerance, doesn’t it? [laughter] I shit myself. [laughter] Like, think about it right now. So, you’re all in groups, right? You’ve probably got groups of three, four friends you’re all hanging out with. And then you have your periphery groups. Like, some cunt in your group has brought some friends from work. Right? And there’s always one cunt in that fucking group where you, like, you turn to one of your good friends and you go, “Can’t tolerate that guy. Can’t tolerate him.” But it’s not like, if he comes near you, [laughter] you shit yourself. [laughter] So, my two biggest nemesisises… Nemesi? -[laughter] -N– The two things that– that I’m not good with… [laughter] are ice cream and cheese. Now, here’s the tragedy that is my life. Ice cream and cheese are also my two favorite things. [laughter] See, I wasn’t always lactose intolerant. No, it happened to me at 35. I’m 42 now. It happened on my 35th birthday. I was sitting down, having my Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake, as I always request. I’m hoeing into it, and then God looked at me and went, “How’s all those atheist jokes going, cunt? -Pew!” [laughter] [cheering and applause] So now I can’t eat ice cream and cheese. Right? But here’s the thing. I still eat ice cream and cheese. [laughter] With the full knowledge that I’m going to shit myself, I still fucking do it. Right? I– I, actually, what I do is if I have a heavy meal, I eat a scoop of ice cream afterwards ’cause then I know I’ll shit everything out, cause… [laughter] I’m a genius, you see? That’s the Jefferies diet. You can fucking take that home with you. [laughter] So, I still eat ice cream and cheese, but I don’t eat them out in the wild. [laughter] You’ll never see me on a boardwalk with an ice cream cone. No, no, no. I eat them at home, amongst people who love me and respect me. Where I know where the toilet is, I know how much toilet paper we’ve got, I’m ready to fucking go. [laughter] So, although I am intolerant of lactose, I still, you could argue, tolerate it. [laughter] In the same way that my dad… doesn’t hate gay people… [laughter] he’s just intolerant of them. [laughter] My father’s a 78-year-old man from rural Australia, and when we were growing up, I heard him say the occasional homophobic slur. When he was young, uh, being gay was a mental illness. He’s a product of his environment. But two years ago, Australia had a referendum, where they voted on gay marriage, and my father voted “yes.” And that’s because I spent time talking to him, going, “Dad, it’s the right thing.” And then my dad said, “Well, I guess they deserve to be as miserable as the rest of us.” [laughter] Now, because my father has done this one forward-thinking thing in his entire life, my dad now thinks he is woke as fuck. [laughter] And my dad says sentences like this. “I’ve got no problems with the gays, they can do whatever they want, in their own homes, behind closed doors, as long as they don’t try to involve me.” [laughter] And I’m always like, “Dad, are they trying to involve you?” [laughter] Is there a scenario… [laughter] …where there’s two gay fellas in the inner suburbs of Sydney, one’s strapped up to a bed with a fucking gag ball in his mouth, the other one’s lubing up his fist, and he’s about to enter, and just as he’s about to go in, this fella goes… [muffled screaming] And he goes, “What’s that, mate?” “Maybe we should try to involve Gary Jefferies.” [laughter] “Oh, that’s a brilliant idea. Why didn’t I think of that?” He unstraps him. They get in their Honda Civic, and they fucking drive. [laughter] It’s a Friday night in Sydney, it’s raining, you’ve got to get around the harbor, it’s fucking– traffic’s horrendous. It takes them an hour 15. They get out to the house where my dad lives. My dad’s just sitting there, watching rugby league. [laughter] He hears a knock on the door. [laughter] [laughter continues] “That’s the second time this month. [laughter] I told you not to involve me.” [laughter] Now, I was, uh, touring in Sydney earlier this year, and I did that routine. My father was in the audience, and he’d brought along all of his bowling friends. My father plays lawn bowls, uh, every day, uh, which is like, uh, curling but with a ball and… You’ll figure it out. Anyway… So he brought these, like, eight mates, and all of his mates were aged between 70 and 90. Right? All these blokes fucking went along. And then my dad came backstage, they’re all sinking piss backstage. My dad comes up to me and goes, “Yeah, I enjoyed the show. Yeah, it was a good show. Good show. Different jokes you’re doing now. Uh… I didn’t like that bit about me and the two gay fellas. I didn’t.” [laughter] And I didn’t understand why, and it turned out the reason he was upset, not because I spoke about him maybe having sex with two men, but because his friends found out that he voted “yes” for gay marriage. [laughter] And now… And now all of his mates take the piss out of him, right? Every time they go to do their shoelaces, they’re like, “Will you marry me, Gary?” [laughter] That’s the thing about my dad, man, he’s trying. At his age, he’s still trying to be progressive and all that type of stuff. And here’s the problem, with young people, right. So… so, he’s backstage, he’s having a few beers, he’s voted yes for gay marriage. Everyone’s teasing him a bit. And then my dad, at 78, says, “Oh, yeah, I’m good with the gays, I like the gays.” And then he goes, “I don’t know about those trans people.” And then a person I know started going, “Well, you’re transphobic. You’re transphobic.” And I was like, “All right, everyone settle the fuck down. [laughter] Settle down.” And I said, “This guy just got used to gay people yesterday. [laughter] Let him have his fucking victory lap. You’re going to scare him off, you cunt.” [laughter] Like, let him be old, you cunt. He goes like this, “Gay people are okay.” And then you go, “Chicks with dicks,” and he’s like, “Fuck off.” [laughter] This is the thing about being progressive and being woke and all that fucking bullshit, right? The-the-the young generations, the millennials, what you’re missing out on is… Let old people be fucking old, right? They’ll be dead soon enough, right? Stop fucking making everyone move as fast as you’re fucking moving, all right? People are trying. Right? Here’s the thing about millennials. You’re the worst people that have ever lived. [laughter] [cheering and applause] You’re the worst. You’re just a horrible breed of people. And I don’t even blame you, it’s just the society you’re in. You have social media. Every single peanut fucking thought that ever came into your head, “I’ll fucking comment…” [laughter] What type of fucking low-rent cunts are you? [laughter] Like… if you take more than three selfies a week, fucking end it. End it. [laughter] [cheering and applause] All right? [cheering and applause continues] The idea that you think taking a photo of yourself, isn’t there something mentally wrong with that? And it’s not just… That’s– That’s bad. That’s bad as it is. But the fact that when you take that photo, your next thought is, “Other people might want to see this.” [laughter] You’re the fucking worst. I… I’ve tried dating you people. It’s a fucking nightmare, right? I don’t care how smooth your fucking skin is, I’ll take an old person with a better fucking attitude, you pricks. [laughter] [cheering and applause] You know, you date a millennial… I used to have nice outings. You used to go to a beach, and you’d watch the sunset. No, fuck that. Sunsets are ruined because you cunts all want to do yoga poses while I stand back here, going, “Did I do a good photo?” [laughter] Heaven forbid I walk past a wall where someone’s painted some fucking wings on, that’s my whole day fucking ruined. [laughter] See, here’s the thing about you. You are… the most progressive generation that’s ever been. That is true. You are the most progressive generation that’s ever been. But here’s something for you. Every generation before you has also been the most progressive generation that’s ever been. You’re not fucking special. [laughter] [woman] Yeah! One day, and you don’t even see it coming, in about 40 years’ time, you’re gonna be the old bigots. [laughter] You don’t see it coming, do you? You’ll be the old bigots. You’ll be standing around with your friends, going, “I don’t understand the kids today. When I was young, women had penises and men had vaginas, and it was all very normal. [laughter] But my grandson says he identifies as an Asian woman who wants to be a black man and marry a fucking robot, and I’m not having it.” [laughter] So my point is… I can’t eat cheese. [laughter] So… [cheering and applause] I can’t. I can’t. It’s not good for me. So… So, I-I went on a date with this girl. I went maybe six or seven dates with her. And I took her out to one of those tasting menu restaurants. You know, those fancy restaurants, Michelin-star thing, where there’s, like, 11 or 12 courses. This is a good move. For any young fella out there who wants to take a girl out, take them to a tasting menu, because if you’re like me, I eat my food too quick, and then I’ve got to sit there and watch them try to, you know… Then I think, “How much of that am I gonna get to eat?” You know? And if you go to a tasting menu, the brilliant thing about going to a fancy restaurant is that the conversation never stops. Because there’s so many courses that you can go, “I liked that course. I didn’t like course number three, but I enjoyed seven, so I wonder what’s up next.” It’s a good way of keeping things going. [laughter] -Now… I tried to do… I tried to do this routine in Kansas. Very hard to explain… [laughter] …what a really good meal’s like. They fucking… They couldn’t wrap their brain around it. I was like, “You know when you go to one of those really fancy restaurants?” [laughter] And I went, “Think about the best meal you’ve ever had.” And then one guy yells out, “Ribs!” And I was like, “Yeah… Yeah, ribs are good. [laughter] But think of a meal that’s even better than ribs.” And he thought about it and he went, “Two ribs!” And I went, “Yeah.” [laughter] So these restaurants… they’re pretentious as fuck, right? Every– Every dish includes a foam, a reduction, and a mousse. And there’s always a quail’s egg and a truffle. Always with a quail’s egg. Why can’t they use a fucking chicken egg? [laughter] Every time I go to the supermarket, I always go to the poultry. I’m never like, “Oh, quail or chicken, what will we eat tonight?” Where the fuck are they buying all the quails’ eggs? [laughter] And come to think of it, I’m not sure… if I’ve ever seen a quail. [laughter] I’ve never been out and gone, “Ah, fuck me, the quails are out tonight. [laughter] Better get the car in the garage, don’t want it covered in quail shit. fucking quails.” So it’s always a reduction, a mousse, and a foam, next to a quail’s egg with a truffle on top. And the first course is always called the amuse-bouche. The amuse-bouche is never on the menu. And what this is in fancy food is you eat that, and that’s meant to make you realize what the rest of the meal might be like. It’s to make you go, “Oh, we’re eating. Oh. [laughter] I get what’s going on. This is a small portion of bigger things.” It’s like if before you came to the show, you all went to a smaller comedy club tonight and watched someone do a five-minute set. So you could go, “I get what Jim’s gonna do.” [laughter] And there’s always some French cunt who’s the waiter. [laughter] I can say this on Netflix, the French are a bunch of cunts. I’m not sure if… [laughter] Are you even watching it? -On your French Netflix? [cheering] [applause] Anyway, so there’s always a French fuck. [laughter] He walks out, and the first course is always served on, like, a ceramic white spoon, with the reduction, the mousse, and the foam, and the quail’s egg, and something on top. And he walks up to you, and he’s very patronizing, and he goes, “Okay, now it’s time for the amuse-bouche.” And then he goes, “The chef has prepared this for you.” And you always… you always nod along, like, “Oh, that’s good, the chef,” when you really should just be an asshole to him and just go, “The chef, you say? [laughter] Did you hear that, honey? The chef’s doing the cooking today. [laughter] I thought the busboy had just fucking stepped it up a gear, but fuck me, I think we’re in for a treat.” [laughter] And then he has the audacity to tell you how to eat it. He goes, “Uh, the chef recommends that you put the spoon in your mouth and you eat it all in one bite, and let the quail’s egg explode over the foam, the mousse, and the reduction, and then you swallow.” “All right.” When you should really go, “Thank fuck you came along, cunt. [laughter] I wouldn’t have known what to do. [laughter] A spoon, you say? A spoon? I would’ve…” [laughter] [chuckles] So then you go through that, then you get a couple more courses. Then there’s always a course that involves something… The ingredients they use aren’t the ingredients that you want to fucking eat, right? If you were to buy a pork product in a supermarket and you were spending money, it would be, like, a pork loin or a chop, right? In these restaurants, it’s always like, “This is the kidney of the thing and the fingernail of the hoof. And… and you are getting the rind from the pig’s eye, the eye socket of the pig.” And you’re like, “Oh, I haven’t got enough socket in my fucking diet.” At the end you’re like, “I’m eating bone marrow, I didn’t know what a bone marrow fan I fucking am.” And it’s all shit. It’s all fucking bad for you. [laughter] I always… I always feel fatter after… This is the deal, right? I’m recording a special right now, so I’ve dropped, like, seven pounds in a week, by just not fucking eating, just not fucking eating, and… I come from a long line of fat people. Right? I come from fat people. The reason I… I lose weight is because of you, the general public, and your comments on the internet. [laughter] Without you and your words of wisdom, I’d be a fat fuck, but thank God you all come along, and you fucking bully the fuck out of me. [laughter] See, I’m not… I’m not for fat shaming, but I kind of am, I kind of am. [laughter] I’m not for any shaming, really, but I don’t know why we’ve gotten to this moment in society where fat people are immune to being shamed, yet every other addiction in our society is shamed. I watched my mother eat herself to death. I fucking watched it. She hid food, she fucking kept on eating, she denied what she was doing, and she fucking died from it, right? I watched it happen. But for some reason, we have to look at fat people and go, “You be your best self, you’re looking great.” Every other fucking addiction in our society, we shame. You smoke a cigarette… You don’t think smokers feel shame? You don’t think smokers are breathing fucking smoke into their lungs, going, “I’m a piece of shit. I’m a parent, what the fuck am I doing with my life?” We don’t need you to go, “You smell. [laughter] You’re killing yourself, go outside. [laughter] There’s a section for people like you.” [laughter] Like fucking cocaine addicts. You don’t think they feel shame? Every time a cocaine addict has a line, they literally have to look at themselves in the fucking mirror. [laughter] You don’t compliment a fucking meth addict who’s picking scabs off their face, like, “You be you. [laughter] You’re living your best life.” No, but eating, we have to watch people get fat as fuck and compliment them? Fuck off. Should be the same as smoking. A fat cunt comes into a doughnut store, the person behind the counter should be able to go, “You’re gonna have to eat that outside.” [laughter] They’ll go outside with their doughnut… Aww. And they’ll have a little roped-off section. Let’s make it small, give them a fucking incentive. [laughter] They can stand out there with the other fatties and look at each other and go, “Oh.” [laughter] “Do you remember when we were allowed to eat on planes?” [laughter] So, anyway, then we go on through the menu, course number five. Now, these fancy restaurants always have a foie gras course. Foie gras, it’s fucking delicious. I didn’t know what it was for years. I just enjoyed it. It’s this buttery, fucking fleshy thing. It’s delicious. And then someone showed me a video. Do you know how they make foie gras? They get a goose, then they step on its fucking feet, and then they pull the goose’s neck up, like this, and they get what’s called a foie gras funnel, which is like a funnel with a big, long tube, and they shove it down the goose’s throat until the goose looks like a fucking sword swallower. [laughter] And then they force-feed the goose grains, day and night, right? And then after that, they wire the goose’s mouth shut so it can’t vomit the food back up. Because of doing this, the goose gets cirrhosis of the liver, and the liver gets fat and yellow, and that’s what gives it that buttery taste. [laughter] My big question is… [laughter] …who was the first cunt to figure that out? [laughter] Who… Who was the first bloke just to walk up to his mates and just go, “Hey, guys… [laughter] I was torturing geese… [laughter] …as I always do… [laughter] …and you would not believe the delicious side effects.” [laughter] Now, I don’t believe in animal cruelty, uh, but– but who here, uh, thinks that we should no longer test on animals? [cheering and applause] All right! They’re what we call fucking idiots. [laughter] If you’re a fucking moron who just applauded, “There should be no animal testing,” you fucking basic cunt. [laughter] Now, I don’t think we should test on animals for something as frivolous as makeup. But when it comes to medicine, what’s our fucking other option? Let’s just think of something really simple, like acne cream. Right? You can’t just get a cucumber… [laughter] …smear the cream on the cucumber and go, “No change to cucumber. [laughter] Ready for people.” [laughter] No, you’ve got to start with a mouse, don’t you? Smear it on the mouse, that mouse dissolves. [laughter] “First cream not good.” [laughter] Then you get another cream. That mouse fucking multiplies like a mogwai hit with water. [laughter] “Better… [laughter] …than first cream. [laughter] Still… not good.” [laughter] Then you get one where it works. Then you go, “That one’s good.” Then you get a rat. Then you get a rabbit. Then you get a cat, then you get a dog, then you get a primate, then you get a homeless person, a student, then us. [laughter] And that’s how we have the medicine. [laughter] So moving on, we go to fucking course number six. The waiter brings up a cart. This thing has a dome on the top. And he rocks up with this fucking thing with the dome. He carried all the other food, but this thing needs a trolley. [laughter] And he pulls it off and there’s all these cheeses there. And he goes, “Your next course is the fromage,” like that. The fro… Actually, I don’t like that. I don’t like that the cunt called it fromage. [laughter] I know it’s a little thing, but it bothers me. He was just doing it to Frenchie the fucking experience up. [laughter] He could’ve said “cheese,” he knows the fucking word’s cheese. Everything else he said in English, and then he had to say fucking fromage. Fuck that cunt. [laughter] You’re telling me… You’re telling me that he’s, uh… he’s learned the entire English language but he’s just one word short? [laughter] I don’t like that. I’ll be honest with you here, and this is being recorded, and I’m happy to say this to the whole world. My most hated group in society… is Italian Americans. [laughter] [cheering and applause] And… And… And… Look, this is a comedy show, so if there are any Italian Americans in the room with us this evening, please know that you’re not welcome. [laughter] [whistling and applause] You’re a fucking painful bunch of people. [laughter] Pick a fucking accent. Either go Italian or go American, but don’t flip-flop. [laughter] You’ll be in an Italian restaurant, the waiter will seem normal, and then he’ll fucking change, right? You’ll be in an Italian restaurant, the guy will go, “Hey, enjoying your meal? It’s good, right? My mother, she used to make it with the mozzarell…” And you’re like… [laughter] “What the fuck happened to that word, cunt?” You… It’s like he had a fucking stroke in the middle of the fucking word. Mozzarell… Fuck you. [laughter] That’s why I got to give it up for the Asians. I like the Asians. [cheering] They pick an accent, and they fucking stick to it. [laughter] The Asians either go full Asian, or they go full American. They don’t go back and forth. [laughter] You’ll never be in an Asian restaurant and have the waiter walk up and go, “Hey, you enjoyed that? You should try it with some soy-soy.” No, they never do that. [laughter] So kudos, Asians. Kudos. [cheering] Anyway, so he rocks up with his fucking cart of cheese. There’s some soft cheeses there, some Camemberts and Bries and whatnot. The most dangerous cheeses of them all. [laughter] And I look at the cheese. And now, this– this girl, she does not know of my condition. [laughter] And I look at the cheeses, I look up at him, and I went, “How long… [laughter] …is the rest of the meal?” [laughter] And he said, “Uh, maybe, uh, 20 minutes.” I went, “Twenty minutes, I’ve got a 15-minute drive. [laughter] Fromage me.” [laughter] And I got myself a big plate of cheese, and I fucking caned that cunt. I fucking ate all that. We got another couple of courses, they have two dessert courses. One of the courses, the dessert courses, might as well have just been called “lactose.” [laughter] It was a lactose crumble, next to a lactose foam, with a lactose reduction, with a scoop of ice cream, then they freeze-dried some lactose crumble table-side and sprinkled it on top. And I looked at it, and I was like this, “In for a penny, in for a pound.” [laughter] And I ate that bowl of lactose as well. Now, what I didn’t mention is the girl I’m on the date with, she is a very petite girl. She had given up around course six. [laughter] I had also eaten her plate of fromage. [laughter] And her bowl of lactose. [laughter] Lactose is now coursing through my veins. I am on borrowed time. [laughter] And so I’m sitting there, knowing. I’m just sort of like, “All right, we’ll be good here. We’ll be good.” You know? I’m listening to her. “Oh, that’s interesting.” [laughter] And then the waiter comes up and goes, “Would you like a coffee?” And I went, “No! [laughter] Just the check, please.” [laughter] So he gets me the check. Now, we’re gonna go back to my place. Now, I’d been on a few dates with this girl, we’d always gone back to her place. This time was the first night she was gonna come back to my house. I was happy about going back to my place ’cause I know where all the toilets are, I know the distance. There’s a lot of things that were going on there. And because she was staying at my place, she goes to me, she goes, “Oh, we have to stop at the pharmacy… because there’s a-a-a cream that I need, like a lotion type of thing.” And I said, “That you need?” [laughter] And I-I-I said, I said, “Are you sure you don’t want it?” [laughter] And she goes, “No, I… No, I need it.” And I said, “I don’t know if you know the difference between wants and needs. [laughter] Like, if you need it, that means that you’ll die… [laughter] …if you don’t have it. So… Do you need it?” [laughter] And she claimed to need it. So… we drove off to the pharmacy. We get in there, right? We walk in this Rite Aid, and there’s just this wall of fucking lotions and that type of stuff, and I thought she needed it so she would know which one to grab. [laughter] But she’s just sort of looking at them, like this. Right? And I’m doing the “I have to shit myself” box step. -[laughter] -Like this. [laughter] [cheering and applause] And she can’t pick one. Now, this is the thing, she has to get a lotion. I don’t understand what’s going on with the whole lotion thing with women, right? I… Okay, I’ve lived with, uh, six girlfriends in my life. [laughter] In my… In my life, I’ve lived with six women, and all six of them have left me. [laughter] And sooner or later, I’m going to blame myself. [laughter] But not today. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Now… [cheering and applause] Now, every single woman I’ve ever lived with has a nighttime ritual, where they… See, I have a bedtime ritual. What I do is I go to the bathroom, I have a piss, I brush my teeth, I go to bed. [laughter] I’ve recently figured out that I could do them at the same time. [laughter] I have a piss and I brush my teeth, and I spit over, like that… Now, but the thing with women is you all go into the bathroom for, like, 20 minutes, and you close the door. And then you come out, and the last thing you do is you’re sort of… you’re rubbing something here. [laughter] And then you go like this. [laughter] And then you get into bed, and you tell me what I’ve done wrong that day. [laughter] [applause] And that’s your little nighttime routine. [laughter] Now, I don’t know what goes on in that room. [laughter] But I assume, I can’t be positive, but I assume you are covering your body head to toe in some type of lotion that you think is vital for your existence. [laughter] Now, I’m 42 years old. Um… I-I wear makeup for work. Like, when I’m on TV, they put makeup on me. I never even wipe it off, I just fucking… They give me a towelette, and I go, “Ah, don’t worry about it.” Then… [laughter] It goes away over a week, and they put it back on. [laughter] Apart from that, I-I’ve worn sunscreen, but I’ve never put anything else on my face. Nothing else my entire life. Um, I’m arguably an alcoholic. [laughter] I… I used to be a heavy smoker. I’ve been a cocaine addict. [cheering] [laughter] And my skin is fucking flawless. [laughter] [cheering and applause] And you want to know why? Because my skin learned at a very young age… [laughter] …that it couldn’t rely on me. [laughter] My skin knew that I was not gonna help it, so it was like, “All right… We’re going to have to produce our own oils if we’re gonna keep shit together.” Where women’s skin… Women’s skin… Every day, women’s skin is like this, “I haven’t had my special cream.” [laughter] And that’s why you all age so horribly. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Yeah, I-I don’t… I don’t do… as many misogynistic jokes as I used to, but I like to whip one in there every now and then. [laughter] It’s funny because I didn’t… I used to do more back in the day. But what happened was, in our society, people started getting angry at me because they didn’t know I was joking. Even though my job description would say… [laughter] …that I was possibly joking. [laughter] So this is what happens now with comedians. For some reason, we’re enemy number one. Every time we do a joke that you don’t like, you all go, “Why did you say that?” “Why…” I get asked at interviews, “Why would you say that joke?” And you go, “I thought it was going to be funny.” [laughter] It’s fucking ridiculous. I’m in trouble now for jokes that I did fucking ten years ago. People ring me up and go, “You said this joke ten years ago.” Now, our job as comedians is, okay, if the line’s here, our job is to go right up to the line, that’s our fucking job. To take risks. To gamble, if you will. Now, what happens when you gamble? You don’t always win. [laughter] Otherwise it wouldn’t be called fucking “gambling.” [laughter] So, what happens is we go all the way up to the line, right, which is fine. So, on my specials, I have jokes that have gotten through standards and practices and lawyers and everything, and still gotten on fucking Netflix, and then you watch it years later, and you’re fucking angry. Well, go fuck yourself, right? Because… [cheering and applause] Because… When I told the joke, the line was here, and it was socially acceptable, right? Now you moved the line back to here, so I won’t go there anymore, I won’t, but the line’s here. But you can’t get angry because you moved the line and then the fucking joke was over here. [laughter and applause] And then… And then you have the audacity to ask me to maybe apologize for a fucking joke. Here’s the thing, I wanted the joke to work. Sometimes you tell a joke and it doesn’t fucking work. And then people go, “Why did you do that?” You go, “I tried to make the joke work, but it didn’t fucking work, and now you’re all upset with me.” [laughter] It’s like if a pilot smashes a plane into fucking the side of a mountain. You don’t go, “Why did you do that?” [laughter] He’ll go, “My intention was to land the plane safely. [laughter] But it turns out I failed at my job. But I didn’t… I didn’t wake up in the morning going, ‘Smash it!'” [laughter] See, it’s like, I watched Dave Chappelle’s special. I watched his special. I thought it was fucking great. [cheering and applause] It was hilarious. And people got upset, and they got upset by different jokes in it. They get… See, here’s the thing. I didn’t enjoy every joke in his special. Some of the things he said, I didn’t even agree with. But you know what happened? When I watched the jokes I didn’t enjoy, I got over it because I’m not a fucking pussy. [laughter] [cheering and applause] All right? And I just listened to the ones I fucking enjoyed. See, he said that he thought that Michael Jackson didn’t fuck kids. Eh. [laughter] I think Michael Jackson did fuck kids. [laughter] That’s how me and Dave differ. [laughter] A lot of people have stopped listening to Michael Jackson’s music. They go, “I won’t listen to it anymore. I won’t listen to it anymore.” I still listen to it. [laughter] But I only listen to the Jackson 5. [laughter] ‘Cause if he was fucking kids back then, it was just experimenting, and there’s nothing wrong with that. [laughter] I go all the way to “Blame It on the Boogie,” and I fucking call it a day. [laughter] So, look… [laughter] What I’m trying to tell you is… she couldn’t pick which cream she wanted. [laughter] And she’s looking at all the different creams. I’m doing the “I have to shit myself” box step. [laughter] And I think to myself, “Fuck it, I’ve got to have a shit.” Now, there’s a bathroom in the back of the, uh, pharmacy, so I duck off. Now, at this point of the story, I got to tell you… all right, that this girl’s a germophobe. It’s vital to the story that she’s a germophobe. Now, we may have some people in the room who identify as germophobes and, to those people… go fuck yourself. [laughter, cheering, and applause] I’ve… I’ve never met a person in my life who’s interesting who’s a fucking germophobe. You’re always boring cunts who tell us all the time that you’re a fucking germophobe. Being a germophobe is doing a lot of heavy lifting for your shit fucking personality. [laughter] How dare you act like we’re all diseased. Every time we shake your hand, you go, “I-I can’t because… eh…” Every time you cook with a germophobe, you cook and put some scraps in the bin, you go, “Hey, can you take that out for the trash for me?” And they’re like, “I’d love to, but I can’t. [laughter] Because I’m a germophobe.” And you’re like, “The rest of us are loving it.” You lick the bin, “Aah.” [laughter] You’re not special. While I’m at it, people with peanut allergies can fuck off an’ all. [laughter, cheering, and applause] Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t people with severe peanut allergies. There truly are. There’s people who will die if they eat a fucking peanut. What I’m saying is it’s your fucking problem. [laughter] The rest of us don’t have to be involved. Right, like, have you ever been on a plane lately, and they go like this, they go, “Uh, on today’s flight, we will not be serving peanuts, as there’s a person on the flight with a severe peanut allergy.” And you’re like, “All right, well, don’t give them to them, then.” [laughter] How fucking weak-willed are these cunts? “Oh, I know it will kill me, but the salty goodness…” [laughter] Like, what do they think the rest of us are going to fucking do? Go to the air stewardess, “Uh, excuse me, uh, who has that peanut allergy?” [laughter] [laughter] What do you think’s gonna happen if someone next to you eats a fucking peanut? Do you think peanut particles will get in the fucking air? Guess what? These flights fly back and forth and back and forth all fucking day. In between, they hardly clean the planes. Do you think they’d go on with a special peanut– de-peanut-ing machine and fucking fill the fucking air? [laughter] See, you know what I do? Every time when I’m on a flight where they serve peanuts, what I do is I get six or seven peanuts, and I wedge them down the back of the fucking seat. [laughter] And if someone ever dies, I’ll be the first person to say, “I was wrong.” [laughter] Now, I talked earlier about, like, how I did one misogynistic joke, and how– how, at the moment now, I-I-I don’t know if people know that I’m fucking joking. It’s become very odd now, this tension that we have about what’s right and what’s wrong. I was on a plane and this fucking… This woman was trying to put a bag in the overhead luggage, and she was shaking, and she can’t do it. And I went to help her, and she just looked at me and went, “No, no,” like that. [laughter] And it’s, like, now I’m in trouble for trying to do a nice thing. That used to be my one move. [laughter] I used to open doors, I used to lift bags, I used to stand up for pregnant people on buses. That was my fucking gig. That’s what I had going. -[laughter] And now, because I tried to help her, she’s, like… She’s, like, angry at me? Like I’m trying to do a male patriarchy thing, where I can lift this better than you. So I just told her to fuck off. [laughter] And… turns out, she’s just a woman with Parkinson’s, and she did need my help. [laughter] But that scenario could’ve been different is what I’m saying. [laughter] Like, I was in a movie… I was in a movie with my son. We were watching… A couple of years ago, we were watching the Ghostbusters movie, the new one with the female cast. Watching Ghostbusters. My son, he’s four at the time, and he turns to me watching Ghostbusters, and he goes, “This movie’s not as good as the other Ghostbusters.” And I went, “Shut up, shh. [laughter] You’re not allowed to say that. This movie’s every bit as good as the other Ghostbusters. We’ll talk about it in the car.” [laughter] You know, and on reflection, that movie wasn’t as good. [laughter] It was a shit fucking movie. [laughter] Wasn’t funny, the action sequences weren’t good, it was a fucking shit film. It wasn’t shit because women were in it. It was just shit because it was shit. [laughter] You know what I mean? Like, ’cause that cast… Paul Feig is the director. He directed Bridesmaids, one of my top ten comedies. The rest of the cast was from that movie, they’d made good films together. This one was just a misfire. But the weird thing that happened was no one went to see that film, and then all of a sudden, men were pigs, men are fucking misogynistic assholes because that film didn’t do good. No. It didn’t do good because you women didn’t fucking see it either. If you went and saw the movie… If you went and saw the movie, it would have been a success. But you didn’t fucking see it, then you got angry at us for not fucking seeing it. [laughter] Do you want to know why it didn’t do well? It’s an action comedy, and if you go to any marketing company that talks about how they sell things, action comedies primarily are enjoyed by men. There might be exceptions to the rule, but primarily men like action comedies. Do you want to know why? Because we’re funny, and we do things, and… [laughter] And… And women like dramas because you cause drama. [laughter] [cheering and applause] So my point is… stop remaking our fucking movies. Leave our movies alone. We don’t remake your films. You don’t see Brad Pitt and George Clooney getting together to make Mystic fucking Pizza of the Sisterhood of the Ya-Ya Fuckhead Traveling Pants Movie. [laughter] We leave your shit alone. [laughter] Although there should be some films that should be remade with, you know, different casts. Like, one of my favorite movies from my childhood was, uh, Nine to Five. Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda. Fantastic. It still stands up today. It’s about three women, they have a boss who’s a fucking pig. Like, it’s even poignant right now. They have a boss who’s a pig. So what they do is they drug him, and they put him in bondage gear, and they hang him from the roof of one of their garages for three weeks. It’s a fun film. [laughter] You know, they should do that with a male cast, right? So, there’s a woman, you put her in the position of power. [laughter] The three employees don’t like it, so they drug her, and they put her in bondage gear, and they hang her from the roof of one of their garages. It’s just a fun film. [laughter] Another movie that needs an opposite remake: Brokeback Mountain. [laughter] [cheering and applause] That movie’s… It needs it! [laughter] The original film is a couple of blokes, they’re working on the land, they ran out of conversation. So they went into a tent, and they fucked each other in the ass. [laughter] My film, it’s a couple of young lasses, they’re working on the land, they’re doing a man’s job. They get bored, so they go into a tent, and they finger-bang each other. [laughter] [laughter] My version doesn’t even need a tent. [laughter] But one of the things that’s happening in cinema at the moment is, and I think we can all agree on this… Okay, so… So we’re done with blackface people. Stop doing that. People don’t like it. If-If you’re getting ready for Halloween and you think, “I might do blackface,” just don’t. [laughter] It’s so much easier to not do blackface. [laughter] Like you don’t have to do anything. Just save yourself time. See, the thing is, with actors now you’ve got in movies… I think we’ve all agreed that you can’t play outside your race. It goes back to, like, Mickey Rooney playing an Asian character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Don’t play outside your race. You can only play your race. I think we can all agree on that now. Now, there’s another thing happening now, where the gays are getting upset if heterosexuals are playing gay people on film. I’m not sure about that, but I’m open to discussion. But here’s the thing that’s really fucking pissing me off. Taron Edgerton, or Egerton, or whatever, he played Elton John and Eddie the Eagle. Two of the ugliest cunts that have ever lived. [laughter] He’s really good-looking. I don’t fucking like that. [laughter] He’s playing uglyface. How many ugly actors would like that fucking opportunity? [yelling] Do the good-looking people need fucking everything? [laughter] Like, Charlize Theron fucking gains 30 pounds, and all they say is, “How brave.” [laughter] You know what’s brave? Being ugly every single fucking day. [cheering and applause] So I decide to go off to the toilet, right? And I’m going off… [laughter] And she goes, “Where are you going?” And there’s no point lying anymore, so I just went like this, “Um… I have to shit myself.” [laughter] And she goes, “If you take a shit in a public toilet, then I’ll never fuck you again.” I was like, [exhales] [laughter] “It’s a very good argument. That’s a… That’s what you call a quandary.” [laughter] So, I went, “All right, but just fucking hurry up.” So now I’m doing the “I have to shit myself” jog. I’m like, “Come on. [laughter] Pick a fucking cream. Pick a cream, any cream. They’re all good. All of these creams are good.” She’s not hurrying up, so I did what every man has done in a relationship. Right? And there’s a few men in this room that probably did it this evening to get here on time. This is how you hurry up your wife or your girlfriend. Every man does this. This is our special move. We go out… and we sit in the car. [laughter] And we think, “This’ll send a strong message.” [laughter] Now, I assume women are like, “Ah, thank fuck he’s gone to sit in the car.” [laughter] So, I’m sitting in the car and I do this move, where I’ve leant like this, I leant all the way down, and I’m trying to breathe through it, like I’m in, like, a Lamaze class, like… [exhales] [exhales] And the reason I’m sitting like this is because my theory is if I lay flat like this, the shit won’t come out as quickly -because of gravity, you see? [laughter] If I sit upright, the shit has an easier way to fall. [man] Yeah! And also, sitting like this, I’m clenching my ass cheeks together. [laughter] Because if the shit gets past the sphincter, it won’t get past the impenetrable barrier that is me clenching my ass cheeks together. Because I’m a fucking genius. [laughter] And I’m sitting there, and I’m watching her through the window of the pharmacy. [laughter] And she selects the cream, but then she stops a bit. Right? Then she goes back to get another cream. So I’ve got to hurry this up, so I start honking, just… Honk! Honk! She looks out like she’s really angry with me. Then she’s going to the counter. I think, “Oh, good, she’s coming.” Then she just, like, bumps into a friend. [laughter] Starts fucking talking to someone. So, I thought, “I’d better step this up a gear.” So, I put the window down, and I lean my head out the window, and every time the sliding doors open like this… [laughter] …I went, “I’m gonna shit myself! [laughter] I’m gonna shit myself!” [laughter] Now… I forget that I’m off the telly. I don’t think about it on a regular basis, right? So, I’m leaning out the window, yelling, “I’m gonna shit myself,” and this 14-year-old kid skateboards by and goes, “Good luck with that, Jim.” [laughter] [applause] So I’m sitting there yelling, “I’m gonna shit myself.” Eventually she comes out, she gets in the car, and, like, obviously she’s upset. She has reason. I have been yelling, “I’m going to shit myself,” and honking the horn. [laughter] She sits next to me and she goes, “I cannot believe…” And I went, “No time to fight! [laughter] This is not a drill.” [laughter] And I fucking fishtail out of the fucking car park. Now I’m in Ventura, and I’m whizzing through traffic. She’s holding on, fucking… The cream’s bouncing around. I see the Golden Arches, I see McDonald’s. I turned to her, I said, “Could I please have a shit in the McDonald’s? [laughter] McDonald’s are renowned for how clean they keep their toilets. I won’t even sit on the seat. I’ll just hover and spray.” [laughter] To that, I received a firm, “No.” [laughter] So I have to make a decision. My house is five minutes away. Her house is three minutes away. I-I make a call. I’ve got to go to her house, it’s the only way I’ll make it, right? Now, this… This kills me. Every day I think about this, right? If I went to her house to begin with, I never would’ve had to stop to get the cream. [laughter] So, anyway, we get into her house… we get in the driveway, she has a long driveway. I park the car. I get out. I’m already like this, “Come on!” “Come on!” [laughter] She’s got the keys, so none of my running’s helping. She’s just fucking in heels, just going through her bag. I’m going, “Come on!” Now she’s stopped being angry, she just finds this hilarious. [laughter] She’s just laughing. We get to the door. Right, now, you know when you’ve really… you’ve… you really have needed to do a shit? It could be five minutes, it could be five hours, but there was an amount of time where you were desperate to do a shit. Then you get to within 12 feet of the toilet. [laughter] And your asshole starts to reward itself… [laughter] for all the good work that you’ve put in. [laughter] Your asshole goes, “Yeah, we did it! [laughter] We did it! We did it as a team! And that’s my favorite thing: that we did it together!” [laughter] ‘Cause you always get to the toilet, you always go… “Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!” Pooooooof! [laughter and applause] You never go… seat… Poof! No. Why is it that you always just made it? You’re not that lucky. There aren’t that many coincidences in the world… [laughter] …that you always just made it. It’s that your asshole has its own brain and a, like, Pavlovian response. So anyway… I get up to the door, and I’m going, “Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!” And I’m, like, really yelling. She walks up, she gets the keys out, she’s laughing. She goes to put the keys in the door, she drops the keys. -[laughter] -[woman] Oh! The keys hit the ground, and I shit myself. [laughter] [applause] And this isn’t just like a little warning squirt of, like, “All right, there’s more where this came from.” And it wasn’t like a full evacuation either. It wasn’t just like a full… “Pooof” like this. It was the weirdest thing. It was just shit coming out of me in a steady meter, just… [laughter] No pushing. [laughter] No pushing. Everything from liquids to solids and everything in between. [laughter] And I’d gone from being all “Aaagh!” to just a calmness… [laughter] …came over me. I was just… [laughter] And my jeans are filling up. [laughter] And instantly, the… the smell of human fecal matter has filled the air. And for the first time, she gets her ass into gear and she goes, “Oh, fuck!” And she grabs the keys… [laughter] And I went, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no. [laughter] No point hurrying anymore. [laughter] You take your time.” [laughter] [cheering and applause] All right. Now, before I go, I’m gonna tell a very, very quick little story. Um… My mother passed away a few months ago, and, um, when my mother died… Look, my mother, uh was never… Yeah, look, here’s the deal. My mother’s not a– wasn’t a funny woman. She had no… no sense of humor, never found me funny. She never watched anything that I did and went, “That was funny.” But she was always… [laughter] She was always very supportive of me. And, you know, the only per… she was the only one in my life, the only one, that I bagged on my mother so much, I called her Gunta, she was the butt of so many fucking jokes that I said. And I’ll give her this, she never complained, not fucking once. Not once. [cheering and applause] So… I’d like to tell one story where she comes out of it a little bit cooler. Right? Now, when I was about 13 and my brother was about 17, we were home watching, uh, Star Wars. Right? We were home watching Star Wars. I was on the Throne of Misery, my brother was on the couch, watching Star Wars. My brother Scott, who’s a fucking nutjob, right, he turns to me and he goes, “Hey, Jim, get me a Coke.” And I went, “Get your own fucking Coke, I’m not gonna get you a Coke.” And he goes, “Get me a Coke or I’ll piss on the carpet.” [laughter] “What? What?” [laughter] “Get me a Coke or I’ll piss on the carpet.” I go, “I’m not getting you a fucking Coke.” And he’s going, “So you’d rather I just pissed on the carpet?” I go, “I guess that’s what I’m fucking telling you.” [laughter] And my brother walks to the middle of the living room, stands in front of me, gets out his cock, starts pissing on the carpet, and he looks at me and he goes, “I don’t know why you constantly find the need to cause trouble. [laughter] It would have been so easy for you just to get a Coke, but, no, not Jim, has to be difficult.” Then he shakes his cock, puts it away, goes back, lies down. Now, this is the bit that fucking kills me. [laughter] He doesn’t get a Coke. [laughter] So, I was sitting there, you know, 40 degrees Celsius, no air conditioning, fucking… a puddle of urine in the middle of the living room, just steaming upwards. Now we’re onto about… We’re probably on Return of the Jedi by now. My mom comes in, and she does that thing that parents do when they have no words. She walks in, just to see the urine in the middle, and she went like this, “Why? [laughter] Who… Who would… Who would… Why?” [laughter] And then she went, “Every fucking day it’s something different. Every day.” [laughter] And then she went, “Who did this?” And I didn’t want to get in trouble, so I went, “Scott did it.” And she turned to Scott and she goes, “What did you do that for?” And he went, “I told Jim to get me a Coke, or I’d piss on the carpet.” [laughter] And my mother turns to me and goes… [imitates hard slap] [laughter] “Why didn’t you get him a Coke? You know he’s fucking mental.” [laughter] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. [cheering and applause] Good night. I appreciate it, I really do. [rock music plays] [cheering and applause continues]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE LOPEZ: WE’LL DO IT FOR HALF (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-lopez-well-do-it-for-half-transcript/

San Francisco, it’s my honor to introduce to you the voice of our generation, my big homie, El Más Chingón, George Lopez! Qué chingados. [audience cheering] I said, qué chingados! [audience cheering] For those of you who don’t understand… Same shit. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is George Lopez. [audience cheering and applauding] I have one kidney that’s not mine… and dementia runs in my family, so I didn’t come here to fuck around, San Francisco! [audience cheering and applauding] There’s a thing going on here with the way the shit is right now. That’s my politics, “The way the shit is.” I gotta tell you the way shit is right now. People who have served this country, Latino veterans, have been deported from the United States of America. That cannot happen. That’s bullshit. Anybody that’s willing to die for this country should be able to live in this country. You hear what I’m saying? You hear what I’m saying? [audience cheering and applauding] If you take care of people’s kids and you spend more time with fucking their kids than with your own… you should be allowed to live in this country. [audience cheering and whooping] You want to talk about a pathway to citizenship? We already have it. It’s called the panocha. If you’re born here, you fucking stay here. The panocha path… The pathway to citizen– What about cesarean section? También. Los dos. [audience laughs] We’re not those people, you know. Hard-working. Don’t fucking demonize us. Listen, ICE and all that bullshit Homeland Security… If they want to do all that bullshit, if they want to deport people… [audience booing] Don’t… [man in audience] They are putos! -I’m on your side, relax. [audience laughs] Don’t fucking go on at me. I wrote it. I know what’s coming. Don’t go to the works, don’t go to the schools, don’t go to the jobs. All right? Let the people in the families decide. Let them Latinos decide… who gets deported. [audience laughs] Because we all have relatives that we like… and some that you’re like, “Hey.” Four o’clock in the morning, “Tía, wake up. They want you.” “Who?” “Mexico.” “What? Mexico wants me?” “Yeah, come on.” “Tío también, let’s go. They want you. El Salvador.” “Salvador?” “El Salvador, come on, let’s go.” “Tía, you don’t need a bra. Go like that.” [audience laughs] Fucking all… Fucking legañas. Now, you know, the police… They’ve got to be smarter to be Latino. Before we could just pretend not to speak English. Now, because of ICE, you fucking get pulled over, they don’t ask for driver’s license or registration, they fucking get to it. “Do you speak English?” You’re like, “Ay!” Under your breath, “Qué culo, chinga!” [in Spanish accent] “Yes. [audience laughs] “I can stay? Órale. I can stay? Oh, my God! I mean…” That used to be the go-to. Back in the day, you could pretend not to speak English. The cop would pull you over. “You wanna get out the car?” “Pero no entiendo.” “Fuck. Okay, go. I don’t know. I don’t know what they’re saying.” We used to pretend to not speak English. They would let us go. Now they hit you with a fucking palo, that nightstick. That’ll get the English out. “Get out of the car.” “Pero no entiendo. [thumps] “Oh, you want me to get out of the car?” [audience laughs] “Oh, my God! Hijo de la chingada, dude. I got it.” Asking to leave a fucking chipote on my fucking ass. This is how great people from other countries are. Not us. We’re all used to being here. People who come here. I had a guy working on my roof, two stories. He fell back. Fell off my house and landed on his back. [thumps] Fuck, I went out there. He fucking apologized to me… for falling off my fucking house. I’m like, “Are you all right?” He goes, “Ay, perdón.” “What? You fell off my house!” He goes, “Don’t fire me!” I’m like, “What the fuck?” Then he says some crazy shit. He goes, “I’ll stay over time for the time I was in the air.” [audience laughs] What the fuck? I said, “Where can I get fucking ten more?” He said, “Honk the horn!” [imitates honking] You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day. They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. As a chicano, I say, hey, they fucking hired the wrong people. [audience laughs] [audience cheering] You didn’t need permits? You didn’t need permits. Fuck, at 9:30 in the morning, “Yeah, we finished the Colosseum. Qué más? You want where people can sit down?” Hey, the future is– All that bullshit with a wall… I don’t know. Maybe they’re waiting for permits. I don’t know. Me and about five vatos, we could’ve already built that fucking wall like that! We’d be done. We won’t build it so heavy that it crushes the fucking tunnels that we have under. [exclaims] [audience member whistling] Pásale! You know… I’ll tell you, man. You fuck with street vendors and panhandlers now– You can have a guy out there, “Spare change? Spare change?” And they always get defended. “Maybe he’s mentally ill?” “Oh, yeah? Some vato trying to sell you nine pounds of fucking fruit for five dollars isn’t crazy?” [audience laughs] Even when you say, “How much is it?” “Five dollars.” “Ta loco!” That fucker’s crazy. Listen, we all have a fucking incredible sense of humor, the Latinos, because people in our families are sometimes funnier than the other fucking people you meet in real life. [audience laughs] I had a tío. My tío was fucking crazy. He got hit by a woman in a hit and run. And the woman took off and they called the police. And the police told my uncle, “Hey, can you describe her?” My uncle was like… “Yeah, I mean, you know, I’d fuck her. Ta buena. Huh, George? Ta buena. Yeah, write that down. Que estaba buena la cabrona.” With a star, so they know. You know… And everything’s a joke. The doctor, you know, the doctor’s like, “Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?” He’s like… [audience laughs] “What do you think? You hear that, Doctor? What do you think? Remember cuando me salieron los granos?” [audience laughs] “Don’t write that down.” They don’t want to listen to the fucking doctor. They told him… They told him, “You have a fucking enlarged liver, you’ve got cirrhosis. You’ve got gangrene in your pata.” They said, “If you drink you will die.” My uncle went like this to the doctor, “Oh…” “Fuck him. Let’s go. He sees me one time, he fucking thinks he knows me. Fuck him. What if I drink? You’re not gonna fucking be there. You won’t know. Don’t waste my time with bullshit.” You know. It’s all different. We’re not trying to live forever. We don’t want to go to the doctor. We don’t want to know if we’re sick. We know. All right? I know what this sounds like… [gasping] In the middle of the night… [gasping] Your fucking pata, your shoes don’t fit on Monday morning. You know. You might have high blood pressure. Too much salt. We put salt on the food and we haven’t even fucking tasted it. The minute it lands… [audience laughs] We just eat. We don’t want to know. Listen, prostate cancer– This is where I lose all the dudes. Prostate cancer is the number-one killer of Latino men because the only way they can check is… [whistles] Por atrás. Your fucking dad or your uncle’s like, “Chale! No way. I’d rather be dead than have somebody touching my culo.” Sober? No. Nope, not sober. Chale. Maybe catch me when I get home, before I change, before we go to sleep. No. They still drink, they still do all that shit. He went to the bathroom like ten times a night. After like ten years, my tía’s like, “You got to go to the doctor.” After ten years. The doctor looks at him, “You have prostate cancer.” He looks at his wife, “You fucking heard what he told me? You heard? I heard. Tell her because I heard that I have prostate cancer. Chinga! You made me come to the doctor, and fucking now I got prostate cancer.” [audience laughs] “Ah, fuck. I didn’t have it yesterday, but fucking today… I got it. I couldn’t even feel… Touching… Touching… We don’t wanna live forever. We’re not trying to make sure that everything we eat is good for us. We know. Listen… When you go to a Mexican restaurant, you already know that we cook with… Fuck it, man, take a look at us. We fuck obesity up. By the third grade, we already said goodbye. “See you later, obesity. Fuck, I passed you.” And then little Latinos are all fat, you know. You try to make them feel better. You’re like, “Mira, mijo, you were… You were going to be twins. That’s why you’re… you know. You don’t hear a voice telling you you’re full, no? You might listen, it might be your sister, but they’re trying to tell you.” Bigger chichis than everybody in the family at 11. “Hey, tetas, come out here.” [audience laughs] That’s how you get your nickname. You shit in your pants one time, you’re Caca for the rest of your life. It could be a grown man, fucking Caca. “Guess who’s getting married.” “Who?” “Caca.” “Fuck!” “Caca’s getting married?” “And his wife is pregnant.” “Chingado! They’re gonna have fucking Cacitas running around. Caca’s getting married, huh? Shit. Fucking Caca. Good for Caca.” We all know. Our parents… Shit, we were raised by the original body-shamers. They didn’t give a fuck what age you were. They’d be leaving for work, “Hey, you two fat fuckers right there. [audience laughs] “You better not be on that couch when I get home. Gordo One and fucking Gordo Two. You hear me?” We would answer, “Yeah.” “All right. Fucking clean yourselves, come on. Try your shoes on, see if they fit. It’s already been two days.” My grandmother raised me. She lived to be 89. She had, uh… Dementia got her. Fuck, chinga. This is how bad Latinas are, older Latinas. The doctor said, “You have Alzheimer’s.” She stood up and goes, “Can I go?” I said, “Did you hear what he said?” My grandma said, “Wait a minute. Fucking do you have it or do I?” [audience laughs] “I asked you for a fucking ride, I didn’t ask for your fucking opinion.” And then I said, “What’s going to happen?” The doctor said, “You’re going to start to forget places, you’re going to start to forget people…” My grandma was, “Wait a minute. Mira, you don’t know me… and you don’t know my life. This is for both of you.” She looked at us as she said, “I can’t fucking wait to forget people.” [audience laughs and applauds] Then she looked at me and goes, “Come on, Larry, let’s get the fuck out of here!” If you’re looking for sympathy, you’re not gonna find it… in the Latino community. You could be fucking crying and they go, “What’s the matter with you?” “Fuck! The doctor… The doctor told me that I have cancer.” You’re like, “Whoo!” “What’s the matter with you? Fuck, I thought you were gonna tell me I had it. Hey, don’t be fucking crying. Look at me. You’ve got me all… Fuck! How long did he give you?” “Uh, three months.” “Oh, so you’re not going to be here for Valentine’s Day?” [audience laughs] “Fuck, it is my birthday about that day. You’re not gonna be here? Why? You don’t wanna be here or because the doctor told you you’re not going to fucking be here? Aguántate. Fuck. Hey, come on.” It’s a different culture. You know, I think white dudes, their goal is to walk their daughter down the aisle. “I just want to be there… [sniffles] …on Kelsey’s big day.” All fucking Latino dudes, we’re like, “I just want to outlive everybody that fucking hates me.” [audience laughs] The fuck, yeah. Aguántate, cabrón. My grandmother found me making a list of people that I wanted to kill. And she said, “What the fuck? Let me see, pendejo. What is this? A list of people you want to kill? Mira, the first two, pendejo, they’re already dead. These two here. And the last two are on my list. Come on, I’ll fucking help you.” [audience laughs] It’s a different… It’s a different vibe. You know. We don’t want to live forever. We just want to live right now. And we’re so easy. My uncle would just get mad. You could just make up a situation. You go, “Tío, who would win between… Annabelle… and La Llorona?” “Who do you think? Fuck, La Llorona would beat the shit out of fucking Annabelle. That’s a fucking doll. Mira, she’d drown her own fucking kids. You don’t think she’ll fuck a doll up? Fuck, you changed. You changed.” I rescue, uh… I rescue dogs. [audience cheering and applauding] I didn’t say I love dogs. I said I rescue them. There’s a difference. Pinche perros. Latino gets mad for a dog doing the shit it’s supposed to do. He’s barking… [barks] “Hey, shut the…” They have some CBD treats. For dogs. CBD… treats for dogs. I gave some to my dogs about six months ago. Not a fucking sound. They’re in the house, like… [audience laughs] [shushing] ‘Cause dogs show respect. Dogs love you. They don’t care what you look like. You could be feito. You could be… They’re the best. They’re the best. ‘Cause we don’t do good with emotional-support animals. That’s not… That’s not a good thing for our culture. My uncle was walking around with a fucking goat. I thought it was… an emotional-support animal. He had it under his arm. Then I saw him, he didn’t have it. “Que pasó? Where’s the goat?” “Fuck, he was delicious.” [audience laughs] “He was emotionally supporting me. We all felt… so much love for him after we were done eating. Ay!” That’s who we are. You know, you’re going to get older, you got to make sure that you’re aware of what’s happening with you. When you get older, when guys get older… When you’re young, your body’s tight. No sounds come out. Nothing. Culo… [sucks air] tight. It’s 18. Nice. You get older, you’re walking. “Hey, open this thing for me.” Opening some pickles in the summer. You’re turning… [imitates farting] They come into the kitchen, “What?” [sniffs deeply] “Who bought the pickles that smell like shit? Take ’em back. Take ’em back. And tell them that they smell like shit. Take ’em back.” You try to stay young and you can’t. You’re walking, pedos come out. [imitates farting] [imitates farting] You go to the bathroom, you think you’re done pissing, more piss comes out. [exclaims] It’s like trying to learn how to drive stick all over you. So be happy when you’re young. Live every day… as the greatest day of your life. Live every day. [audience cheering] Live! Don’t wait to be sick to want to live. Fucking live when you’re fucking healthy. That’s when you’re really living. You’re not worried about anybody else. You’re doing your own shit, you know? You get older, your kids grow up. They love you, not fighting any more. You know, you’re not drinking to black out. The holiday season, any holiday, fucking somebody’s blacked out. Next morning you wake up, somebody’s got a black eye. You’re like, “Chinga! What happened to you?” [breathes heavily] “You fucking asshole.” “That’s probably what it was. A bad attitude to have, you can’t…. talk like that to people. They’re gonna fuck you up.” But that’s us. Listen, this is… how we live, you know. Now kids don’t understand it. You know, they… they’re into the… You know, Halloween, nobody can wear a mask because you might scare the other kids. Listen, if your fucking kid is so stupid he don’t know that that’s really… not the fucking Wolverine sitting next to him, pull that motherfucker out of school… and save your money. Fucking homeschool them. Get a storage unit so he can take care of your stuff. He can be right there. Fucking Halloween is the last holiday that we… Listen, Latino, we trick or treat into our fucking early, mid-50s. We don’t even want candy, we just want to look in your house. [thumping] “Fuck. Ta bonito. Fuck. How many… How many fucking lamps do you guys need? Fuck, they’ve got plenty of shit.” Homemade costumes. Fucking your dad’s boots. Some dish-washing gloves. Some racquetball glasses. You will knock on the door. They open the door. “Fuck, chingados! Who are you supposed to be?” “I’m self-made.” [audience laughs] “Trick-or-treat and are there any odd jobs that we could… I noticed some tiles loose on the driveway. Si or no?” The crazy thing about our parents when you see people is that all the parents are nice now. It’s almost like having two moms. You know, “You can do whatever you want. Be careful.” Fucking, our parents, they could be mean and nice at the same time. “You wanna do me a favor? Get the fuck out of here. Thank you.” That’s why I say teach your kids good from bad. Teach them right from wrong. And most importantly, teach those fucking pendejos the difference between fireworks… and gunfire. We know. We already know. We know what a fucking sparkler fucking sounds like. When we hear a fucking… [imitates gunfire] You’re fucking already gone. It’s different. Listen, one thing we don’t do is we don’t disrespect our parents. This has never been done. Or stepparents. Let me cover all the bases. You know, we don’t talk back. I was in the airport and this little kid said to his mom, “I hate you.” And everybody in airport was like, “Oh!” Then we looked and the lady was crying. We’re like, “What the fuck? Hey! Fuck his ass up. That’s the only way he’s gonna learn. Fuck him up.” And everybody in the airport was going, “Fuck him up! Fuck him up! Fuck him up!” Then the fucking Latinos came up. ♪ A la bimba, a la boom A la bim, bom, ba ♪ ♪ Chingazos, chingazos ♪ ♪ Ra, ra, ra ♪ [audience whooping and cheering] And she said, “I’ve never hit him in his life.” I said, “All right, then. You get on the plane and we’ll fuck him up.” [audience laughs] “Because he’s gotta get fucked up.” Better he do it with some people that are flying with him. One time I told my grandmother, when I was eight, oh, I said, “I hate you!” And she must’ve had one in the chambers. “You hate me? Mira, cabrón. I fucking hated you first. Come on, fucking get it out. Get it out. I can take it. Let it out, cabrón. I hated you when you were born. When I went to the hospital… When you were born, I went to the maternity, I said, ‘Which is my grandson? The third one?’ Come on. Get it out. Cabrón, I hated you when they were fucking making you. In the house, I could hear… [moans] You know what I said? ‘Fucking swallow them!'” [audience laughs] That’s how you get respect. All this bullshit. When Latina husbands die, they never get remarried. Cabrón, they wanna be… They wanna feel the pain. [moans] “Today is the day that my world ended.” “What? What the fuck are you talking about?” “Today’s the day… that the love of my life… went to heaven.” You’re like, “What the fuck are you… The cat?” [audience laughs] “My husband, pendejo.” He could be the worst fucking guy when he was alive, but when he dies, you’re like, “Who the fuck are they talking about?” “Who are you talking about?” “My husband, chinga cabrón.” “Tía, didn’t he light you on fire?” [audience laughs] “But the food wasn’t ready. Mira, don’t blame him, all right?” “Tía, at the fucking park, he hit you… in the back… with a shovel.” “I didn’t duck, fucking smart-ass.” Never be alone. Find somebody that you love. Don’t spend the rest of your life alone. We all have that tía that’s fucking sad. Don’t even– She’s not gonna put eyebrows on any more. It just… Just a blank face. “I’m so excited. You can’t tell.” Go in there and put some fucking lines up. Because heartache is not for old people. Heartbreak is for the young. My tío broke up with his girlfriend. He’s fucking 63 years old, looking in her window. Chivo viejo. The fucking lady came out, “Who’s out there?” He’s like, “I can’t.” Fucking pedo. [imitates farting] “I smell shit. Who’s out here?” Because when you get older, your culo’s the first thing that goes. Sad. When women have babies… Let me say this. The vagina that you’ve made love to… is the same one that’s in the delivery room, pero no parece. They… They don’t resemble each other at all. The one that’s in there, it’s all swollen, it’s changing color. The fucking nurse is like, “It looks like you.” “Fuck you, bitch. I don’t look like that. Do I got shit all over me? I’ve got insurance, so don’t fucking talk to me like that.” When… When you made love, ella era chiquito. Perfect, you know. If you’re gabacho, you’re white, a little piece of carrot cake. If you’re black, red velvet. Chinito, fortune cookie. [audience laughs] If you’re a Latino, pedazo de flan. [audience laughs] [audience cheering] That is the best flanocha. No bubbles, that is the best… flanocha I think I’ve ever had. It’s a different thing. Those kids grow up. We don’t baby-proof the house. You’ll be in the living room and from the kitchen you’ll hear… [screams] You go in there, fucking baby’s backed into the hot stove. “Mira, cabrón, this is where you backed in last year. You see your skin from last year? And this is where you backed in right now. So you’re that much taller… from last year. You’re not smarter because you fucking did it again. But you’re taller.” Raise your kids to eat what they make. Whatever your parents made, you ate. Fucking 11 months old with a fucking chile relleno in the crib. Fucking cheese wrapped around your head. “I dropped my beer! Hey! Watch out, I dropped my beer.” Fucking baby monitors are the other babies, they go, “Tell ’em that I dropped my beer. Hurry! No, you don’t need a diaper. Fucking go tell ’em.” All of that shit. Latinas, beautiful women, maybe the most beautiful. [audience cheering] Maybe the most beautiful in the world. [audience whistling and cheering] I wouldn’t want to be fucking married to one. They don’t wait for compliments. They fucking compliment themselves. They get dressed, come out, “I’m losing weight, huh?” [audience laughs] “I am, huh?” Fucking fishing. “Mira from right here.” Yeah. They fucking let you go somewhere with your friends, they follow you to the car, “Hey, and you’re fucking lucky that I’m letting you go. I’m not talking to you. Fucking take off. Take off before I fucking change my mind. Take off. Take off. And if you fucking drink too much, don’t take a fucking Uber or a Lyft. Fuck. Like a fucking man, aguántate. Make it home.” You get pulled over by the police, you’re there like… They say, “Can you do the alphabet backwards?” Everybody in the car are like, “Fuck, they got him! Shh!” “The alphabet backwards?” [audience laughs] “A. B. How much… C.” You end up fucking being a caretaker for all of your relatives. None of them want to go to a nursing home. None of them want to leave their house. So somebody falls in the house. You’re watching TV and fucking upstairs you hear… [thumping] “Ay!” You’re outside the room. “Tía, are you all right? “Me caí. I fell. Ay! I fell, George. Don’t come. Me zurré. I shit a lot. Me salió la caca.” You’re in the fucking hallway… [gags] You can’t even smell it yet, but you’re… [gags] You shouldn’t be… [gags] “Don’t talk. I… It’s all over my back!” [retches] You’re fucking down the hall! [retches] “Where are you?” [retches] Life Alert, that’s some fucked-up shit right there. If you’re a white lady and you give your mom a fucking Life Alert, you just telling her, “Hey, Mom. We’ve officially abandoned you. So when you fall, nobody’s gonna fucking be there to pick you up.” That’s why you have that place to call. “Help. I’ve fallen.” Fucking operator gets on. “Listen, lady, this is the fifth time that you have fallen this week. Your husband and your son only paid for three falls… a week. So we’re not going to be able to pick you up until the start of the next billing period. You wanna talk to a manager? All right.” No. When somebody falls in our family, after we’re done laughing, we pick them up and send them back to the fucking kitchen. “Vámonos, cabrona.” “How did you get out of that kitchen? A place for Mom. I got a place for Mom by the fucking comal. Get your…” You know, none of us can accept… None of us can accept compliments. You get a compliment in front of your mom. “What makes you love George?” “I just love… I love his laugh. It’s so cute.” You’re like, “Fuck that. No, I don’t. I don’t have a cute laugh.” “Well, he’s so sharing.” “Him?” And they never like who you like. You show them a picture of anybody. I used to point out women to my grandma. I’d go, “What about that one right there? Puta. [audience laughs] “Yeah. What about that one right there? That one?” “También fucking whore. Look at the way she walks. That’s the way I walked when I was young. And I was a whore too, so I know. That’s the walk.” You get old… Listen, when you get old, you have kids. Whenever you have a kid, it’s the best day in your life. [audience member shouts] It depends. Because some of them are little fucking cabrones. That’s a fucking… a horrible price to pay for not pulling out. Fucking… “How old is he gonna be… Forever? Ah… Now you tell me. I would’ve fucking took it out!” We ate what was in the refrigerator. Fucking shit could be in there for two years. They could even stop making it. You go in there and look at the milk. You’re like, “What the… This milk is from July.” And there’s your mom right there. “Oh, okay, so at school, you don’t wanna fucking learn. But at home, you fucking can’t stop reading. Huh? Fuck that! Fucking Rosetta Stone. You can’t fucking stop… You can stop learning, huh?” And you couldn’t say there was nothing to eat because they’ll find fucking something for you to eat. In the back of the refrigerator in a packet, one fucking hot dog covered in fat. Todo quemado from the light. They pull it out. “Eat that.” “Fuck, that’s covered in fat.” “And you’re not? Son of a bitch. Mira, cabrón. Go to the bathroom and take your shirt off and look in the mirror, and come back and apologize to that fucking hot dog. Apologize to the hot dog!” Fucking apologize to a fucking hot dog? Every day somebody, you know, comes up and says some stupid shit to you. In the elevator… Listen, nobody wants to talk in the elevator. That’s why people do this shit. You learn those lessons. I said to this guy, “I’m only in town till tomorrow.” This dude looked at me and said, “Good, that’s more than enough time for you to go fuck yourself.” [audience laughs] And that’s how you learn not to talk in the fucking elevator. Somebody said to me, “Have you taken a spin class?” I’m like, “What the fuck? What?” “A spin class?” I said, “Hey. Mira, fucking Mexicans, if we ride a bike, an hour later, we can’t be in the same fucking place. We got to be an hour away.” When you’re done with the class, you’re in the same place, getting your fucking culo… “Where did you go?” “I was riding the bike right here.” “We’re fucking waiting for you over there!” “Fucking right… I told you that bike didn’t go nowhere.” That’s what it is. Listen. And we’re trying to eat right. No Latinos want to live forever, but we still enjoy our food. We’re not going to live forever, so enjoy  your food, eat what you want to eat. Fuck it, order the fucking cow! [moos] Now it’s getting fucking ridiculous. Now you go to a Mexican restaurant, you’ll hear people, they’ll be like, “Hi, señor.” Fucking waiter’s been there 40 years. He is waiting. “Hi, these chicken tacos, um, was the chicken humanely put down? “Qué, qué?” “Was he… humanely put down?” “Yeah. We pet him until he died.” [audience laughs] We’re not trying to live forever. We don’t know our cholesterol. The first time we ever take our blood pressure is at the market. They have that free machine. You put your arm in there. You push the button. That shit starts filling up with air. [imitates air filling] “Ay!” When the number comes up, everybody’s trying to look. “Hey, fucking back away. That’s my number.” “What is it?” “What it was last year, 280 over… 125. It says I’m supposed to be dead, pero mira… Got a lot of shit to do. I can’t be dead.” We don’t want to go to the doctor. We don’t want to know. Now, I think the craziest thing in our culture right now is the gender… reveal… party. If white people could not be fucking whiter, to have a fucking gender… reveal… party, where all the families are around. They’re like… “Pop the balloons, Dylan! Dylan!” Fucking Latinos, we don’t care pink or blue. Is it ours? “Is it mine? Bring him over here. He better be fucking darker when he gets over here ’cause he looks pretty light over there.” We don’t get wrapped up in all that shit. The people that take pictures of their food… at a restaurant, and then send a picture to you. You’re not at the restaurant. But they send the picture of the food to you. You’re at home and you get a picture of a fucking steak. And you’re not there. So get a picture of some caca, send it back. [audience laughs] “Fuck is this?” “That’s before and after, motherfucker.” I’ll see your fucking steak. Then you send a picture of your palito. You’re like, “Hey, that’s for dessert. Anybody want some? I’ll bring you some dipping sauce right there.” Nobody cares. Everybody talking shit. I was in New York and you’re eating a hot dog of course. Everybody fucking has to look. This man says, “Oh, you know, once you know what a hot dog is made of, you’d never want to eat another one.” “Oh, yeah? Well, I know what a panocha does, I still eat that.” [audience laughs and applauds] “So mind your own fucking business, pinche viejo.” If you’re going to spend time with your child reading bedtime stories that don’t make any fucking sense, use that time to tell your kid that they can be whatever they want in this world. That they matter. [audience cheering and applauding] That their voice will always be heard. And for them to be happy first. Because… if you’re going to tell them a fucking fairy-tale, tell them that one. Listen, they didn’t prepare us for the life inside the house. They prepared us for the life outside in the world. You know. We’re prepared for any fucking situation. So teach your kids to have respect. Teach your kids to behave themselves in public. [audience cheering and applauding] Tantrums? Not us. I didn’t have a tantrum till about fifty… I was fifty… three years old, my grandmother had been dead for seven years. I still look around. [sniffs] “I smell fucking Oil of Olay. Is she around somewhere?” That’s who they are. Fuck! Hey, this year, the first women went to space. They did a space walk, two women… for the first time ever. And I bet their husbands were like, “Fuck, they’re still not far away enough, huh? Shit. Let us know when they come into the Earth’s atmosphere so we can start fucking cleaning. And change the baby.” [audience cheering] I think… I think in our lifetime, I think there might be… a Latino president, I think. If this fucking puto can be president, fucking anybody can be fucking president. Your fucking tío. “Everything is free. Qué pasó? I can’t do that? Órale.” We’d take care if we fucking get a Latino president. A Latina better. [audience cheering] The president, you’ll never see that motherfucker. He’ll never leave the White House. “Go back home. You went out last night. You know you don’t go out two nights in a row. If they wanna talk to you, they can fucking come over here. All right? You’re not going. Give me that phone. I’ll tell them you’re not going.” That’s who we are. Listen, this country is better than what it is right now. Listen, you can’t have people call the fucking police on other people just because they’re some place that you don’t like where they are. This country… We need to start to go back to minding our own fucking business and just letting people do their shit. [audience cheering and applauding] You got fucking white people that call the police on black people in Starbucks. They’re all fucking scared. “Hi. They’re in here. Please help. I can’t talk. I can’t talk. I’m going to use coffee codes, okay? There’s four espressos. Two horchatas just walked in. And three micheladas. Oh, my God, hurry! Soy sauce, soy sauce. Hurry!” Fuck that shit. Listen. That’s bullshit. Everything that’s happened in this country that has been domestic terrorism has not been done by any African-American people or Latino people. [audience cheering and applauding] Mass shooters? Not us. We don’t like to walk into a room where we don’t know nobody. When you walk in… “Yeah… no, I’m cool. I’m all right. I thought my tía was in here. I’ll be back.” Not us. Shooting up a school? Never. And we fucking hate school. You’d think… You’d think we’d be the first kids to shoot a fucking school up. “We’re having a test.” “No, we’re not.” [imitates gunfire] If we shot up a school, we wouldn’t shoot kids. We’d shoot where they keep the fucking attendance records. “They’re right there.” [imitates gunfire] You go back after school. They’re like, “Do you remember what your grade point average was?” “Mine? Oh. It was high in a combo. It was up there. I think it was… combo 21-point… 21.5, por ahí. Four or five. 21.5. My GPA. GP… GPA… GP yi-yay. Por ahí.” Listen. Every week, you see on the news that a teacher has been arrested for having sex with a student. And none of the teachers… Están feítas. They’re all… Hey, they’re fucking beautiful. Not like ours. Ours… If a teacher tried to fuck us back in the day, you’d look at your teacher, you’d be like… “You know what, Mrs. Smith, I’m gonna take the F. I’m gonna take the F. You can try again in summer school, but I don’t know.” No. These kids turn the teacher in. That’s how fucking different they are from us. They turn… the teacher in. Us? Nobody would be late for school. Fuck, at 5:30 in the morning… Fucking long-ass line. [audience laughs] “I gotta go home. I’ll be right back.” And if we did tell somebody, they wouldn’t fucking believe it. That teacher me está chupando. “Get the fuck outta here! Fucking liar. Bullshit! Bullshit. Why would Mrs Anderson wanna suck a fat Mexican’s dick?” [audience laughs] “That’s what I told her, but she still did it. I dunno. [audience laughs] Tell her, don’t tell me. Fuck.” You go there, to the principal’s office. The principal’s there. Mrs. Anderson, the police, your mom, your dad… your stepfather. “Come in, George Lopez. Did Mrs. Anderson perform fellatio? Were you ejaculated by her?” [speaking Spanish] [audience cheering and applauding] Listen. We love this country. Understand that. All right? All the bullshit… All that shit, blow up a federal building… no. That’s where the checks come from. Bullshit. We’re not stupid. “What the fuck? That’s where the checks… I thought you said yeah.” Don’t leave your kids with your grandparents because you’re leaving with your mom’s mom… You try to discipline them like they discipline you, your mom’ll be like, “Hey… Don’t you talk to my grandson like that, mira. As long as I’m alive, you show fucking respect to him. All right? You show respect.” “You yelled at me.” “That’s fucking different, pendejo. He’s smart. He’s not like you. He don’t wear his helmet all day like you.” We didn’t talk back. You could leave us in the car back in the summer. Now you can’t. You could leave us in the car with the windows rolled up. See the police. “No, fuck… You’re gonna get me in trouble. I got it. I’m alright. I’ve only been here an hour and a half. I got it. I’m cool. Go away. Go fight real crime. I got it.” You know… That’s the future. That’s the future of this country. It’s Latino diversity. Chino, Latino, black, white. They’re in here tonight. This is diversity at its finest. We’re not going nowhere, cabrón! [audience cheering] Woo-hoo! Be happy. Be happy in your life. Don’t let anybody tell you what to do. Don’t wait to get sick to want to live, alright? So be happy in your life. Huh? Be in love, be happy. Appreciate all the moments. If you’ve still got older people in the family, take pictures of them, hold their hands, comb their hair, get them pedo one more time. That’s how we do it. I love my community. I love Latino people all over the world. We don’t know each other. [audience cheering] But we follow this simple rule. You fuck with one bean, you fuck with the whole burrito. [audience laughs and cheers] Appreciate you guys coming to see me. I love you guys. Thank you. Gracias. [audience cheering] [soulful music plays] ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love… ♪ Thank you, everybody! Órale! ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪ ♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

URZILA CARLSON: OVERQUALIFIED LOSER (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/urzila-carlson-overqualified-loser-transcript/

Watch Urzila Carlson: Overqualified Loser on Netflix [male host] Make some noise, welcome to the stage… Urzila Carlson! [audience cheering] [rock music plays] [cheering continues] You guys! See? This is why… [cheering softens] This is why people love Australia. ‘Cause you guys are just off the fucking nut. [audience laughs] Just quickly, before we start… I just– [laughs] I feel like I want to share something with you. ‘Cause sometimes, right, audiences will send me gifts. Like, not this audience. [audience laughs] Honestly, sometimes audiences bring me gifts, and then they give it to the usher and the usher will bring it backstage and then I have to open it. Because I don’t have a crew of people that travel with me ’cause I’m not Adele. [audience laughs] You know, I don’t know how people imagine, like… I walked here tonight. The five blocks. [audience laughs] You know when you make that decision, you go, “It’s only five blocks, I’m gonna walk it”? And then after the third block, you go, “Fuck, I should’ve taken an Uber.” [audience laughs] Then you go, “It’s too late now, I can’t get an Uber now for two blocks, ’cause they’ll think I’m lazy.” [laughs] [audience laughs] [chuckles] You don’t want them to give you a two-star ’cause you’re lazy ’cause then you have to fake a limp and stuff. [audience laughs] “Yeah, I just sprained my ankle.” So I get this gift, right? I do a show in Auckland, and a woman sends a gift with an usher, and the usher brings it to the room. And now I’m gonna open it, but it looked dodgy as hell. It was just wrapped in brown paper. And– And it had a string around it, and not that fancy string that you get now over Christmas. You know, you always get– Like your sister-in-law, she’ll be doing all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit. [audience laughs] And you go, “Okay, calm down. We know it’s bath salts.” [audience laughs] It’s like, “Christ, you just spent $45 on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift. [audience laughs] And we don’t have a bath!” [laughing continues] Not one of those strings, it was just an old shoelace. [audience laughs] So you know it’s dodgy when the usher sort of kicks the door open, throws the gift and goes, “That came for you,” and runs away. [audience laughs] So I look at this gift and I shook it and no powder fell out of it and it wasn’t ticking. [audience chuckles] I’m gonna open it. So I open the gift. And someone had sent me a moon cup. [audience oohs] Like, a new one, but a moon cup. Now, for those of you who don’t know what a moon cup is, ladies, if I can ask you to just turn to the men in your area… [audience laughing] …and just explain to them what a moon cup is so I don’t have to. Talk amongst yourselves. [audience murmuring] If you don’t know, ask the people behind you. They know. [audience laughs] Oh, I don’t know what’s going on there. There’s a lady in the back doing that… [audience roars] I don’t know what you’re explaining… [chuckles] ….but I think you’re doing it wrong. [audience laughs] For those of you who don’t know what a moon cup is, it’s basically a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha. [audience laughs] Like, you whip it out when Aunt Flo comes to visit. You feel? But I knew. As soon as I received this gift, I knew I was in deep trouble ’cause I’ve got an inquiring mind… [audience laughs] …and I knew I was going to try it. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Now, I’m not going to go into detail, but let me just tell you, it’s not for me. [audience laughs] Let’s just say… Okay, you know when you’re unpacking the dishwasher, right? Ladies, if you want to turn to the men in your area and just explain what I mean. [laughs] [audience laughs and applauds] No, you know when you’re unpacking the dishwasher and you get to the kids’ plastic bowls and cups and you don’t take the time to individually dry each and every cup? You just kind of grab them, whack them and stack them away and then tomorrow morning, you have to feed those same children out of those bowls and you take it out and you’re like… [audience laughs] Yeah, that. [audience roars] So, no, it’s not for me. [audience laughs] I travel a lot. I’m on the road about 300 days of the year, and whenever I do go back home to Auckland, I always go see my GP and get them to do the once-over. Right, give it everything. Like, from head to toe, from head lice to ingrown toenails and everything in between. [audience laughs] They check the boobs, the smear. They even give you the flu jab, you know, ’cause science. Um… [audience laughs] I’m not going to tell you what to do with your life, you know, I’m just saying. We vaccinate ’cause we understand words and shit. [audience laughs] [chuckles] [audience cheers and applauds] Now, I understand that there might be some anti-vaxxers here tonight. ‘Cause when I did the show in Auckland, 13 people got up and walked out… [audience laughs] …and the whole auditorium went… [cheers, laughs] Like I was supposed to fight them or something. I’m like, “Leave them alone, they’ve got sick kids at home.” [audience roars] So, anyway, I go in, I see my doctor. She does what she can do and then she sends me off to the nurse. Now, our nurse, Nurse Barb, retired two years ago. Which is a good thing because she was, like, two years younger than Jesus, okay? [audience laughs] I’m not ageist. But the last two years, I also got a prostate check. [audience laughs] I didn’t hate it. [audience laughs] That’s why I went back the second year. [chuckles] [laughing continues] Anyway, I walk in, we’ve got a brand new nurse, Nurse Maniah, and, uh, I look at her and I go, “Hi,” and she’s lovely, she’s a lady in her fifties. Um… And I look around and I’m trying to find the gown. Because you have to put this gown on with an opening in the front because they’re going to be working on your entertainment area… [audience laughs] …right? Now, personally… I’m not a big fan of the gowns because they never close properly. You know, ’cause I’ve had a few big Christmases in my time. [audience laughs] Like, I don’t identify as fat. But I’ve definitely, you know… I’m– I’m quite a few meals ahead and a few shits behind, so… [audience laughs] [women cackling] And, you know, you don’t need to be a personal trainer… to know that if those two things don’t line up, you can never be your goal weight. [audience laughs] But I don’t see the gown, and Nurse Maniah goes, “No, no, I use a lavalava.” And I thought, “This is great, it’s basically like a sarong. Not only do I get a smear but I also get a cultural experience. I love it.” [audience laughs] So I take the lavalava off her, and now I wait for her to leave and close the curtain so I can, you know, take my kit off and put it on. So she closes the curtain. But she stays in there with me. [audience laughs] So at this point… I decide to decline the lavalava. She then takes it and biffs it on the desk, and I take my kit off and I hop on the table. Now, the protocol when going for a smear is you, the patient, must stare at the wall. [audience laughs] And her, the nurse, must stare at a speck on the curtain over here. [laughing continues] But never… do you make eye contact. [audience laughs] So, she starts, and I can feel her rummaging around. [audience laughs] Which is not what you want to feel at a doctor’s surgery, you want a… you want a confident hand. [audience laughs] You want– You want someone that knows what’s going on. And I could feel her rummaging around, and I don’t know at what point… do I act? At what point should I go, “Do you need help?” [audience laughs] [laughing] Too awkward, right? Or do I just keep quiet and guide her hand in? [audience laughs] Yeah, you’re right, that would be too much. [mumbles] [audience laughs] I didn’t have to do either of those things because she asked me something that was so left field that it knocked me, I had to think about it for a second. She goes, “You still a virgin?” [audience roars] [laughs] And I went… [audience laughs] “Say what, now?” I was like, “Oh… Oh, no. I’ve had the sex heaps.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “Huh. Okay.” She then leaves the room. At this point… I’m regretting not taking that lavalava. [audience laughs] ‘Cause now I’m just lying on that bed like a frozen supermarket chicken… [audience laughs]; [breathing shakily] [laughing continues] …worried that someone might come in. They didn’t. She came back in a flash. She had a smaller speculum. [audience laughs] And she was at it again and she goes, “I’m just gonna ask you again.” She goes, “You sure you’ve had sex before?” I go, “Yeah!” I said, “I’m married, my wife’s waiting in the waiting room.” She goes, “Oh… [audience laughs] …I see.” [chuckles] She goes… [dramatically] “But have you had sex with a man?” I said, “Yes, I’m familiar with disappointment.” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] She says, “I’m just asking ’cause you’ve got the smallest vagina I’ve ever worked with in my career.” I went, “No shit!” I guided her hand in, she took the swab. I got dressed, I went in the waiting room and I go, “Come, babe!” To my wife, not to a stranger. I go, “Come.” [audience laughs] We walk back in. I said, “Nurse Maniah’s got something to tell you about my… [clicks tongue] [audience laughs] …entertainment area.” [laughs] [laughing continues] Nurse Maniah looks at her, she goes, “If I had to describe her vagina with one word, I’d say… petite.” [audience laughs] My wife immediately turns to me and she goes, “You cannot use this story on stage.” [audience laughs] I said, “Bitch… [audience applauds] …a medical professional just told me something on me is petite. I’m fucking telling everyone!” [audience laughs and applauds] [audience cheering and whistling] But that explains the moon cup, doesn’t it? [audience laughs] I needed a thimble. [laughs] [laughing continues] So this show is called Loser and I decided to write the show ’cause I was so… confused, like it’s always negative if you lose anything. You lose your keys, you lose your mind, you lose your dad: that’s negative. But you lose a bit of weight: positive. [audience laughs] And I don’t understand that. Like, if you lose half a kilo, strangers will applaud that. You can go out right now and go, “I lost half a kilo,” people will go, “Good on you,” and give you a high five. Which I don’t understand. If you truly love someone– If you love someone, don’t you go, “I fucking love you so much, I wish there were 50 kilos more of you”? [audience laughs] With everything else, if you love it, you want more. You love cake? Fucking give me more cake. [audience laughs] Or you love money? Give me more money. [laughing continues] I fucking love you? Less of that. [audience laughs] It makes no sense. Now, I know… I know I need to lose some weight. I know that. But I– I want to be very careful. I just want to lose enough weight so I can eat in public. [audience laughs] I just want to be able to eat a pie in public. [laughing continues] ‘Cause you know if you’re in here and you’re a bit of a chub, you know you cannot eat in public. [audience laughs] You will be judged, right? Like– Even if it’s a celebratory pie. [audience laughs] Even– [laughs] Even if your stomach stapling has been really successful… [audience laughs] …and to celebrate, you go to BP to get a pie ’cause they’ve got the best pies. That’s what their name is for. [audience laughs, applauds] [women cheer] You go over there, you grab a pie and you’re outside eating that pie, like, “Nom-nom, 80 kilos gone.” You know some fuckwit in a ute will drive past and go, “Who ate all the pies?” [cackles] [audience laughs] And you have to go… [timidly] “I did.” [audience laughs] So I know I have to lose some weight. But I want to be careful ’cause I don’t want to lose too much and end up in porn. [audience laughs] ‘Cause you know that is a very real possibility. [audience laughs] If you’re hot. If you’re super… Like you are, you’re proper hot. Right? Like, you’re a beautiful couple. Do you work out together? Yeah. Of course you do. [audience laughs] I’m not fit-shaming you. But you’re a hot couple. Like, aesthetically, you’re quite pleasing to the eye. [audience laughs] Like, if you two came up to me in a bar and asked me for a threesome, I’d be in. [audience laughs] Yeah. And not just in a “hold the camera” kind of way. I’d give it my all. [audience laughs] [chuckles] I would get so freaky, you two would be super impressed. Like, halfway through, over my naked butt, you’d just be high fiving each other, going… [audience laughs] “Fucking score on this one, eh?” [laughing continues] But you have to be careful. ‘Cause you’re beautiful, you could end up in porn. The rest of you, you’re fine. [audience laughs] ‘Cause, you know, if you’re in a happy, healthy relationship and you’ve got a healthy sex life, at some point, one of you will turn to the other and go, “We should record ourselves. [audience laughs] You know, while we’re… [clicks tongue] You know?” And you will. If you’re going, “We’ll never do that,” your partner’s probably already doing it. [audience laughs] You may as well get involved. There’s a whole genre of porn of you not being in porn. So you might as well. [audience laughs] And then you’re going to go, “Okay, fine.” Then you’ve got to take your smartphone, you’ll prop it up somewhere in the room. And then you go at it. You go at it hammer and tongs, right? You give it your A-game ’cause you know you’re recording yourself. [audience laughs] Then afterwards you go, “Okay, go get it.” [audience laughs] He rolls off you, he goes and he gets it. He comes back and you’re excited. You’re like… [giggles] [audience laughs] “Oh, this is going to be good. This is going to be great, yeah. [blows kiss] [audience laughs] I love you.” And you hit play. [dry-heaving and gagging] [audience laughs] [loudly] “Why is my arsehole so dark? [audience roars] Why is it so hairy? [audience laughs] It looks like a tarantula is crawling out of a cave.” [laughing continues] [gags] You look at your body at an angle you wouldn’t normally see, performing an activity you wouldn’t normally see reflect back in a shopfront window. [audience laughs] You see things on your body that you wouldn’t normally see. You look at that and you go… [yelling] “Is that a nipple on my back?” [audience laughs] And your partner’s, like, super blasé He goes, “Yeah. [audience laughs] I thought you knew.” You’re like, “No, every time it’s cold, I think it’s the fucking label on my cardigan!” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “No, no. And when it’s really hot, it does that weird Barbie mouth thing, that…” [audience laughs] You look at that footage, it’s not natural. It’s your fat, pasty-ass white body plowing at pace… [audience laughing] …into another fat, pasty-ass white body… meeting abruptly in the middle. It doesn’t even sound good. [audience laughs] Like, in the heat of the moment, you don’t hear anything. But when it’s silent and you’re just staring at your white body with an extra nipple on a little screen, all you can hear… [smacking rapidly] [audience laughs] Like, “What is that noise? Oh, it’s your balls on my tummy.” [laughing continues] You look at that and you go, “Why am I fucking you? [audience laughs] Why are you fucking me? Let’s never do this shit again.” [audience laughs] Then you go, “Delete it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “I will.” “No, you’re fucking doing it now!” [audience laughs] [hisses] He deletes it. You double-check it’s deleted out of the recently deleted. [audience laughs] That couple then take that phone together, walk it out to the shed, take a hammer… [audience laughs] …smash it till there’s only powder left, take a brush, into a little plastic bag. [laughing continues] You drive from the top of the country to the bottom of the country and at every public toilet, you stop and you put some of that dust in the toilet… [audience laughing] and then you flush it just in case some IT genius is about to crawl out of his mother… to put that shit back together again and share it with the world. We are very careful. [quietly] But you two… [audience laughs] Not you two. [audience laughs] You’re like, “Yeah, let’s record ourselves.” “Yes, let’s. Let’s. Just let me finish moisturizing.” [audience laughs] [clicks tongue] And then you prop the phone up, and afterwards you go, “Go get it,” and he’s like, “Yeah, no worries.” [exhales sharply] [audience laughs] Don’t even need to get out of the bed ’cause that yoga is finally paying off. [audience laughs] Actually, that hurt my back. [pained] I don’t think I… [audience laughs] [laughs] Medic! [giggles] You take that phone. Like, “Let’s have a look at this. Oh, this is gonna be good. [audience laughs] [puckers] I love me.” [audience laughs] You hit play on that. You’re like, “Oh… [sexually] Oh, yeah, look at that! Look at that!” Like, “Holy shit. I’m glad we went for that two-for-one anal bleaching. [audience laughs] [gruff] We look amazing! We should get a blue light, let it light up.” [giggles] “This is phenomenal work. Yeah, wait, wait, my best part’s coming up. The dismount. [audience laughs] You go into a full triple back flip…” I’m not very good at sports talk, you know. [audience laughs] “Full splits onto my dick. This is lovely.” [laughing continues] You go… [laughs] You go, “Save that. Save that. We look phenomenal.” You go, “Let’s watch it tomorrow when we get back from pilates.” [audience laughs] [sighs] Tomorrow night, you get back from pilates. You’re like… [gruff] “Oh, yeah. [audience laughs] You know how I get all limber and into it. Now, let’s watch it.” So you watch it again. You go, “Fuck, we are beautiful. [audience laughs] We’ll save it. [exhales] We’ll watch it tomorrow night after my spinning class. [audience laughs] You know how I get after spinning class. [exhales sharply] When my perineum is still vibrating.” [audience laughs] I assume that’s what happens, I don’t know. [chuckles] [audience laughs] I don’t ride a bike. I’m an adult, I’ve got a car. [inhales] [audience roars] [laughs] [audience applauds] And then you watch it again and you go, “You know, we are so beautiful. It’ll be a waste if only we get to see it. [audience laughs] We should upload it.” Then you load it up to Pornhub and we’re now all whacking off to you two… [laughing continues] …’cause we’re no longer fucking each other. [audience laughs] So all I’m saying is get ugly or get fat, or you’re going to be in porn. [audience laughs] You know your dad’s going to find it. [audience oohs, laughs] Yeah. Your mum won’t know what’s going on. [laughs] You know… [chuckles] You have not lived as an adult if you haven’t been at your parents’ house on a Sunday waiting for the roast, your mum’s in the kitchen you’re watching some trash with your dad, and then your mum just pops out of the kitchen going, “Hey! Can you have a look at the computer? It’s wiped the history again.” [audience laughs] And you look at your dad and you go, “Motherfucker! [audience roars] Can’t remember your Facebook login but know how to wipe the history, do ya?” [laughs] [laughing continues] And your dad’s like, “Oh, it’s all right, I’ll have a look later.” I bet you fucking will. [laughs] [audience laughing] So anyway, what I’m saying is I need to lose some weight. [audience laughs] I’m already panicked. Because I’m of the size, whenever they talk on the news about the obesity epidemic in Australia, I know I could be one of those arses walking in the street. [audience laughs] You know the one. When as soon as they start talking, they go, “We’ve got a dietician here. Um… The obesity epidemic in Australia…” And you’re like, “Oh, no. No, no, no. Where did they film today?” And when you… [audience laughing] When you see they’re in an area where you were, you’re like… [yelling] “No! [audience laughs] Oh, fuck off!” [laughing continues] ‘Cause, you know, it’s always you in your track pants. [laughs] [audience laughs] I see those fat people walk with these short steps like this. I’m like, “What the fuck are you doing? Stride it out, motherfucker! “ [audience laughs] Have you guys ever watched that show The Biggest Loser? [all] Yes. You know when they came up with the concept for that show, there wasn’t a fat person in a ten-kilometer radius. Because it would’ve been a completely different show. When they came up with the concept, they were all sitting in a boardroom in their yoga pants, and they go, “All right, we’ve got $200 million. What are we doing?” And Karen in Marketing went, “Well… how about we take 12 fat people… [audience laughs] …and we put them in this fat farm scenario, and then we give them, like, six carrot sticks a day to eat… [laughing continues] …and we give them these really angry personal trainers.” Like you get them any other way. “We give them these really angry personal trainers to yell at them all day and make them exercise and then vomit up those carrot sticks.” [audience laughs] And everyone’s like, “All right. All right.” Even if there was a fatty in the room at this point, they’ll go, “Harsh. But watchable.” [audience laughs] [laughing] You’ve watched it. And then they go, “Okay, Karen, then what?” “Well, then we just monitor their progress. So once a week, we just put them on some scales in their cute little outfits. And then behind them, in giant red LED lights that they can’t see, we put the weight they used to be, their weight now, their BMI, and their sperm count. [audience laughs] And then we judge them like that.” Now, if there was a fatty in the room, they’d go, “Hang the fuck on,” at this point. They’d go, “Just a minute, just a fucking minute. [audience laughs] What are these cute little outfits you’re talking about?” [audience roars] She goes, “Oh. I thought, like, bike pants and sports bra?” “No.” ‘Cause you know what, if you’re over the age of two… [audience laughs] …you don’t look cute or good in ’em. [laughing continues] The only people allowed to wear bike pants and a sports bra are people under the age of two or if you’re in the Olympics. [audience laughs] That’s it. Tomorrow morning, if you wake up and you’re putting those bike pants on, go, “Am I over the age of two?” [audience laughs] If the answer is yes, then ask yourself, “Am I in the Olympics?” [audience laughs] If the answer is no, get the fuck out of those pants. [audience laughs, applauds] [chuckles] ‘Cause you know what the problem is with that outfit, especially for women of a certain age. Like, I’m in my mid-forties. You know what the hardest thing of my day is? Lining up my nipples. [audience laughs] I wake up every morning and when I put a bra on, it’s like doing two really complex Rubik’s cubes. [audience laughing] Oh, fuck it. Tuck it into your pants. [audience laughs] Well, Karen, you can’t tuck it into your pants when you’re not fucking having anything in the middle. It’ll look like a fleshy scarf. [audience laughs] Fat people don’t like to get weighed. That’s why we don’t skydive. [audience laughing] Well, that, and it scares the shit out of whoever has to do a tandem jump with you. [audience laughs] But… [chuckles] When you skydive, they weigh you. And then they write your weight on your hand with a permanent marker. [audience laughs] I don’t want to be telling people three days after my jump, “Oh. Oh, no, it’s not a phone number.” [audience roars] If I was in charge of making The Biggest Loser, it would look completely different. For starters, the people I would put in there. I’d put people in The Biggest Loser, those people who never say thank you for shit. Like when you’re driving and you give someone a gap and usually it takes a few goes to try and get them in the hole. You’re like… [audience laughs] And then they take it… and you wait for it. [audience laughs] But they just keep going. It’s like they take that gap and go, “Mine!” [audience laughs] What kind of animal raised you… [audience laughing] …that you would take a gap and not just put your hand up like that to thank the person behind you? That’s all you have to do. ‘Cause if you don’t thank the person behind you, you’re making it unsafe on our roads. [audience laughs] ‘Cause now I have to aggressively overtake you… [laughing continues] …to go get my good deed back ’cause you were raised by an animal. [audience laughs] It’s the same as when you’re driving and there’s a pedestrian crossing and you stop and a car there stops, and then the pedestrian walks past and they thank this guy and just walk past your car, and you’re like… [audience chuckling] “What’s going on here? [audience laughs] I’m doing what they’re doing. Where’s my thank you?” I reckon if they’re two thirds past your car and they haven’t started lifting their arm, hit them with your car. [audience roars] [woman cheers] Not to kill ’em. Just to knock ’em down so you can talk to ’em. [audience laughs] Then you hop out of your car and go, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this. I’m a medical professional. I’ve got a petite vagina.” [audience laughs] [laughs] You go, “Where’s my thank you, asshole?” [laughs] [audience laughs] Those people are all going on my Biggest Loser campl Or when you’re at work, right, and you’re in the lunchroom, you just want to eat your sandwich in peace. And then you hear it… [slurping aggressively] [audience oohs] And you look over and there he is. You go, “Jesus, Brian. [audience laughs] How about you just leave that cup of tea for a minute? That’s going to cool down to a temperature… where you can just go ahead and drink it. [audience laughs] Where it won’t sound like you lost your top lip in a violent accident. [laughing continues] And now you’re curving your bottom lip in a straw-like scenario, trying to suck a teabag out of the bottom of that cup.” [audience laughs] Brian’s going in The Biggest Loser camp. [audience laughs, oohs] Or that friend that we all have that have never let you finish a sentence. You’ve been friends for years and this is the only thing they’ve ever seen out of you. [stammers hesitantly] [audience laughs] Fucking Biggest Loser camp. Or any right-wing politician that has ever said anything so fucking stupid, it makes you want to headbutt a nail. [audience laughs] They’re going in there. You know the ones. Like– Like those people that can’t even take a mild egg to the head without trying to knock out a teenager. [audience cheers and laughs] [audience applauds and whistles] Get in the camp. Then what we do is we give them challenges that they cannot achieve, like keeping a cookie out of a fat kid’s hand. [audience laughs] If they fail, we give ’em paper cuts. [audience laughs] Now, I wasn’t raised by an animal, I understand that, you know, everyone’s not the same. Like, the tea slurper is not on the same level as the right-wing politician. So we cut them with different grades of paper. [audience laughs] The tea slurpers and the interrupters, they get 150 gsm. [audience laughs] Then the people who don’t thank you in traffic who have no manners, they get a 300 gsm gloss. [audience laughs] And the right-wing politicians, we cut them with X-rays. [exhales sharply] [audience laughs] And then we take chili oil and rub it in their wounds. [laughs] [audience oohs, laughs] -I know, I’ve got a lot of time to think. [laughing continues] That’s what I do when you guys are at the gym. [chuckles] People go, “Why don’t fat people just get off their fucking arses?” -‘Cause we’re thinking of this shit. [audience laughs] Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme. Maybe it’s more like… I just think, like, other things are bigger losers– Other people are bigger losers than actual fat people just losing weight. Like, say if you get in a car with your friend, right? They’re driving. You’re saying to that friend, “I trust you with the most important thing that I have: my life.” ‘Cause without it, you can’t do shit, right? [audience laughs] So you start driving, and ’cause you live in Melbourne, it starts to rain. [audience laughs] They don’t turn the wipers on. You know? All right. All right. I’m not going to be that person, but you know how vitally important it is for you, the passenger, to see where they’re driving. [audience laughs] Otherwise how do you know how to make the right… [inhales sharply] [audience laughs] You don’t want to say anything. So you just start scooching down in your seat a little. [audience laughs] Just a little. ‘Cause just above the dash, just under the wipers, there’s always a weird half moon that you can see out of. [audience laughs] But then you start to panic, right, and you think about that pillow that your wife bought about you living your best life. And you think, “Fuck, I do want to live my best life and I want to continue with that. I should say something.” [yelling] “Put the wipers on!” [audience laughs] And they go, “Oh, shit, I didn’t even notice it started raining.” [audience laughs] “You know you’re driving, right?” [laughing continues] And then because it’s Melbourne, five minutes later it stops raining. [audience chuckles] [squeaks] [audience laughs] [squeaks] They don’t turn the wipers off. Not only do they visually have something in front of their eyes going, “Oh, you’re fucking up here, mate…” [giggles] [audience laughs] …audibly, there’s a bit of a soundtrack, too. It gets so dry that it does that weird triple jump in front of you. [audience laughs] When it comes back, it’s like… [thumping] [laughing continues] You’re not safe. You need to undo your belt, open the door and tuck and roll. Just… [audience laughs] Those people are bigger losers than you. [laughs] But, you know, because we have social media, we put ourselves into situations where you feel like a loser. ‘Cause you look at other people’s amazing lives, right, ’cause they have these amazing filters and amazing bullshit on their pages that you start to believe, ’cause even though, intellectually, you know it’s bullshit, you know this person, they have a horrible life. But your eyes go, “It’s better than yours.” [audience laughs] And then you feel like a loser. But it’s not. It’s like if you show up 20 minutes early to a party, you’re not a loser. You’re smart. ‘Cause they usually have the food out. [audience laughs] They have the food out and they’re still doing the setup. So you can get involved. You go, “No, you carry on, don’t worry about me.” You look at their table, you go, “Guacamole looks good.” [laughs] [audience laughs] “I’m going to give it a go. [audience laughs] Just going to try it for her. Give her some valuable feedback if she needs it.” So you grab a chip. Now, you’re not a fool. You know to go in slow, right? [laughs] [audience laughs] You’ve been around food before. [laughs] [audience laughs] Don’t worry. When that chip breaks… [audience laughs] you’re so disappointed in yourself, you’re like, “How am I this age and I can’t nail a snack?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause now you know you’re in deep shit. You better get that chip out before she comes out. Don’t want to fuck up the table before anyone else gets there. You’re gonna take another chip. But you’re gonna take a strong one. You know, the… [audience laughs] No, ’cause you know the ones that are curved, the curved ones are structurally stronger than the others. [audience laughs] So, you take that curve. Also, pro-tip: they always have more flavor ’cause they’re sort of… Anyway, so… [audience laughs] So you take that chip. Now, you know, you’re not a fool. You’re gonna go low and slow. You’re gonna go low and slow, and you want to slowly curve it around the original chip. Just make it a little… You don’t want to go too close ’cause then it could structurally damage the… So, you just want to go… slight– When that second chip breaks… [audience laughs] …you question every decision you’ve ever made as an adult. “I should probably not be alone.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause now you know you’d better get that out before she comes out. You’ve got two chips in there. You’re not gonna take another chip, you’re not an idiot. [audience laughs] You’re going to learn from your mistakes here. You don’t want her to come out to two half dead chips in the guacamole with a fucking moat around it. [audience laughs] [laughing continues] [thumps] [audience laughs] When you’re second knuckle in, she comes out and busts you. [audience laughs] Like you’re at your high school dance… and you just lock eyes with each other. [laughs] [audience laughs] [laughs, snorts] [audience laughing] I love that slow realization. [laughing continues] Ooh… [laughs] [audience laughs] My hand’s still in the guacamole. [audience laughs] She walks out, she locks eyes with you. She looks at you, you look at her. She knows your hand’s in the guacamole, you know your hand’s in the guacamole. You look at each other, ’cause you don’t know at what point… should you pull your hand out. [audience laughs] There’s no time like the present so you just pull it out. Now the bigger conundrum. Do you flick it or lick it? [audience roars] She just stares at you, never breaking eye contact looking over to you, just taking the bowl, going, “I wasn’t that happy with it anyway.” [audience laughs] She walks in the kitchen, you can hear her throw it in the sink. You feel like such a loser ’cause you go, “It’s out of season for avos, that would’ve cost her $400.” [audience laughs] You’re not a loser, but what you didn’t realize that if you normally show up 20 minutes late, the guacamole’s been sitting on the table for 40 minutes slowly getting to room temperature, and then it’s smooth as anything. You can fucking lift it with anything out of that bowl. [audience laughs] You can lift it with hopes and dreams into your mouth. [audience laughs] You don’t know that because you’re not a chef. Neither am I, but I’m an enthusiast. [audience laughs] You’re not a loser if you say “no, thanks” to free stuff. I say “no, thanks” to free stuff all the time but now because we live in a time where there are people who are influencers and that is a job that just involves getting free shit all day, it’s unheard of when someone approaches you and goes, “You want something free?” and you go, “No, thanks.” Unless it’s a flyer or something. You’re like, “No.” [stammers] But I get offered stuff all the time and I go, “No, thanks.” And especially when I get on a plane, they always go, “Do you want the exit row?” Never business. Always the exit row. I go, “No, thanks.” [audience laughs] People– Ten people back will go, [aggressively] “Did she just say no to the exit row?” They’re so angry when I go, “No.” I go, “Yeah, I don’t need it.” I’m five foot three. My knees have never touched another seat. [audience laughs] ‘Cause I’m mainly torso, too. [audience laughs] Some airlines, my feet don’t touch the ground. [audience laughs] Give it to someone that needs it. I don’t feel I’m trained enough to sit there anyway. I don’t know where these air whores go to air school, but I haven’t been. [audience laughs] I don’t think it’s enough when they come up to you before the flight and they go, “Um… Did you read the A4 laminate?” [audience laughs] And I go, “No, I didn’t because it’s pictures on there. [audience laughs] And you don’t read a picture, you look at it. So am I now more trained than you? [audience laughs] Am I in charge of this flight? I’m just here for the snacks, mate. You can… You can put me near the toilet, I don’t care.” You’re not a loser. You’re not a loser if you wake up seven o’clock one morning and you go, “Hmm. Today’s a shit day.” [audience laughs] Well, you know yourself, you don’t need to live the whole day to know it’s gonna be a shit one [audience laughs] Sometimes you know before you open your eyes, you’re like, “Yeah, today’s a shit one.” [audience laughs] If you open your eyes seven o’clock in the morning and you go, “Fuck it. I’m getting blackout drunk by three…” [audience laughs] …then do it. Do it, it’s called self-care. Look after yourself. [audience laughs] Obviously, if that’s a decision you’ve been making for the last 15 years every morning… [clicks cheek] …you’ve got a problem. [audience laughs] But if you do it once every 18 months to two years and go, “Today’s that day,” do it. Why is it socially acceptable to start drinking at noon but not at 7:00 a.m.? [audience laughs] Like, if a friend rings you at 7:00 a.m., which would be weird, but if they ring and they go, “Hey, what are you up to?” “I just poured myself a wine.” [audience laughs] They’ll think you’ve lost your mind. But that same friend can ring you at noon and go, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Oh. Just poured myself a wine.” They go, “Well, I guess it’s noon somewhere.” You go, “It’s noon here, Cara.” [audience laughs] I don’t know why we put that amount of stress on ourselves because of a few fucking hours. Like, the amount of times I’ve woken up and I’ve taken that box wine and I’ve put it on the kitchen counter… [audience laughs] …and I just look at it, and I’m like, “Should I take the tap out and let it breathe or…?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause that’s always the hardest thing with a box wine. You have to get the cover off and then you have to get that tap, and it’s always real in the box. It’s like… You have to put your hand in so deep, I feel like I’m working on a dairy farm. Like… [struggles] [audience laughs] “I can feel a hoof!” You get that tap out. A hundred percent of the time, the hole always faces there. [audience laughs] You have to pull the whole sack open, sort of slowly get the tap down. I feel I lost some of you as soon as I said “box wine.” [laughs] [audience laughs] You go, “Fucking box wine?” [laughing continues] [laughs] I don’t care where you are in your life right now financially, but at some point, every single one of us drank box wine. [audience laughs] Yeah. [audience cheers and applauds] Maybe some of you are like, [formally] “I have never.” [chuckling smugly] [audience laughing] Yes, you have! If you’ve got bogan friends, you’ve had box wine. [audience laughs] [laughs] I love entertaining, right? I have people over to my house all the time. And then when they go, “What should we bring?” I always go, “Just your good self, doll.” And then what I do is I wash the labels off old wine bottles, and then I fill it with box wine. [audience laughs] [chuckles] And not to worry, I’ll even mix you a rosé. [audience laughs] I do the whole shebang, right? [laughs] So… Not once in all these years have anyone during dinner gone, “Excuse me. What fresh hell are we drinking here tonight?” [audience laughs] No, they usually go, “Mm! Where did you get this one?” And I always go, “On my travels.” [audience laughs] And they assume… around the world. But just to the liquor store. [audience laughs] I mean, they know the next morning. Because you know the next morning after… [laughs] …a box wine, that hangover is completely fucking different to a good wine hangover. [audience laughs] You wake up after a good wine, right, and you have that hangover, you wake up, you’re like, “Woo! Oh, that Central Otago 2009, that… [audience laughs] …that pinot noir nutty goodness is going to come back and bite me at around 3:30. [laughs heartily] [audience laughing] [hearty laughing continues] But you know with box wine, you open your eyes, you’re like, “Woo! [audience laughs] Satan fucked my skull last night. [audience roars, applauds] And he’s got a giant penis.” [chuckles] [audience laughs] You’re not a loser. Drinking box wine is good for the whole family. When you’re finished, you whip the box off, you give that to the cat, he plays with that. You blow up the bag and the kids play with that. You’re fucking mother of the year. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] Yeah. You’re not a loser… if after you’ve been to your mum’s house, maybe you’ve had a massive feed, you’ve had seconds, she’s given you dessert. She’s even given you some leftovers in a little plastic bag because she doesn’t trust you with her Tupperware. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Now you have to drive with a plastic bag of spaghetti next to you. [audience laughs] [giggles] “Fuck, I hope I’m not in an accident. This is going to be hard to explain.” [laughing] [audience laughs] You’re full, and then you drive to the hardware store quickly ’cause you need a new tool belt. [audience laughs] [sighs, laughs] [audience laughs] As soon as you get out of the car, you smell it. You smell that sausage sizzle. You’re like, “Yeah.” When you get on a plane, right, you’re not hungry, you just had a nine-course dégustation. You’re chockers. You go, “I’m so full.” But as soon as you hear the wheels on the food cart, you panic! [audience laughs] You panic, you’re like, [yelling] “Chicken! Oh.” [audience laughs] That’s what it’s like when you get out of your car at the hardware store, you’re like… [sniffs] [longingly] “Yes.” Like, you’re not there for the cuisine. [audience laughs] Let’s not fuck around. That’s not good food. You know those sausages are basically vegan. [audience laughs] They’re made from wood chip and goat spit… [audience laughing] …and the goat donated the spit. He just looked at that and went… [spits] “I’m not eating that.” [audience laughs] But it’s because there’s so much joy around there. As soon as you get it, you look at those people and they’re always happy, ’cause it takes a certain personality to go there every week and fucking turn sausages. [audience laughs] You look at them, they’re like… [laughing continues] [sighs] I want to be around that joy. You rummage around the car for a gold coin, you walk up to them, you give them a gold coin and then you… [thumps] …pop out your hand. There are very few instances where you as an adult can go up to another adult, put out your hand and go, “Put food on that. [audience laughs] I’ve already got a bag of spaghetti in the car.” [laughing continues] They then take a napkin, put that in your hand, and then they put the thinnest white bread you’ve ever seen in your life on top of that. We call it magic bread at my house ’cause it’s impossible to put any spread on it. [audience laughs] You can try. But as soon as you do… [thumps] …the middle’s gone. [audience laughs] You can’t even find it in the house. It’s just gone. You just have this weird frame of what bread used to be. [audience laughs] So you’ve got your napkin. They put the magic bread, then they put some onion, some fried-up onion, and then they put the sausage, and then… [sputters] …tomato sauce over the top of that. It’s never-been-near-a-tomato sauce, let’s be fair, that shit glows in the dark. [audience laughs] Now you’ve got your food in your hand. Now, pro-tip: What you want to do is you want to go ahead and curve it. [audience laughs] You want to curve that whole scenario like this, ’cause if you keep it flat, it’s very hard to eat. [audience laughs] If you keep it flat, it’s called a situation. [audience laughs] But the minute you roll it, you’ve got a meal. [laughing continues] Now you walk into the hardware store and you look for other people like you. You look for the other sausage people. When you see them, you’re like… [exhales in relief] [audience laughs] [inhales] “We make the same decisions. [audience laughs] We’re here… [laughs] …and we both have these. Yeah. [audience laughs] On your… No, tool belt. Tool belt, I mean.” [audience laughs] Then you start eating and something magical happens as soon as you walk away from that barbecue. The onion is now freezing cold. [audience laughs] But the sausage will increase in heat. There’s… [audience laughs] I think it’s the glue that holds it together. [audience laughs] So you want to approach that sucker with caution when you eat. You approach with your teeth, like a hot potato, so you can breathe through the back of it. Like, get some air on that thing. [audience laughs] [sucks in air, exhales sharply] It’s a very toothy approach, like your first blowjob. [audience laughs] You walk through the shop, you’re about halfway through. You look and you go, “Fuck, I’m eating the napkin too.” [audience laughs] You’re not a loser, that’s where the nutrients lie. [audience laughs] [chuckling] But then… we do start… Do we have a snorter? That’s great! [audience laughs] I love how everyone’s, “It’s this lady here.” [laughing continues] [laughs] It’s like… It’s not like she had a shit on the seat. [audience laughs] I’ll just get some water. I’ll just be walking over here, getting some of this every now and again. You know, whenever I take a sip like that, the wardrobe lady is downstairs going… [muttering softly] [audience laughs] …just in case I spill some of this water down my tits. [audience laughs] ‘Cause if you know me, there’s a hundred percent chance that I can do that. This wasn’t the top that I was supposed to wear tonight, but… [sighs] …I had a top that matched the pants. [audience laughs] But it’s got about half a liter of butter chicken on it. [audience roars] [chuckles] So, yeah, decisions were made. [exhales] [audience laughs] [laughs] I said to them, I go, “Just let me wear the stained top because realistically that’s how people will be seeing me in the future.” [laughs] [audience laughs] It is very rare to see me in the street without food somewhere… on the tatas, but, um… [audience laughing] [clicks tongue] Apparently, that’s a big fucking no-no. All right, uh… [laughs] …here we go. Now, there are things that we do that we think we’re nailing and we’re not. Like thongs. Jandals. [audience chuckles] Flip-flops. Plakkies. That’s what we call them in South Africa. You know, we will never have world peace… unless we can agree on a name for these shoes. [audience laughs] Nowhere where you go in the world are they called the same. You could get on a plane right now, fly somewhere you’ve never been before, get off, go to a shop and go, “Excuse me. I’m looking for those summer shoes… [audience laughs] …that you can get your toes through like that. And then, “Oh, you’re talking…” [hoots sharply] [audience laughs] We don’t even question why the fuck it’s called that. We just go, “Yeah. I was hoping to buy some blue…” [whines sharply] [audience laughs] Now, the thing with those shoes, they don’t come with instructions, and the thing is, they really should. [audience chuckles] ‘Cause I never owned a pair of those ’cause I grew up on a farm in South Africa where we have snakes and scorpions and shit. So, you can’t have any of that. So the first time I ever bought a pair of those was when I was in my mid-thirties, thirteen years ago in New Zealand. And no one stopped me. Like, I bought them, no one, as I got to the door, went, “Hey. Have you used those before?” [audience laughs] You go, “No, I haven’t.” “Come here. Hey, just so you know… if a drop of moisture gets on the inside of that shoe… [chuckles] …you’re dead. [audience laughs] Oh, and if a drop of moisture gets on the outside of that shoe… [chuckles] …you’re dead. [audience laughs] Oh, and don’t think for a second that you can run… [audience laughing] …from your car… during a thunderstorm… [audience laughs] …into the mall… where they’ve gone ahead and tiled it. [audience laughs] ‘Cause whether you’re physically prepared or not, you’re gonna do the full fucking splits.” [audience laughs] You’re like, “Oh, okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool… Cool.” As you walk out, they go, “Oh, one more thing. Just so you know, those shoes? [laughs] They’re only for forward motion. [audience laughs] We call them one-directional. [chuckles] [audience laughs] Yeah. Oh, you want to take a step to the side? [laughing] You’re dead. [audience laughs] You want to take a step back? My uncle tried that. He’s dead.” [laughing continues] Those shoes are so complex, man. They should come with a warning and someone to live with you for, like, a week after you buy them. I bought a pair, my wife and I took our two kids down to Fielding, where she’s from. It’s a small farming community in the middle of the North Island of New Zealand. [man cheers] It’s not as exciting as that person makes it out to be. [audience laughs] Like, nothing happens there every half an hour and it usually lasts about an hour. [audience laughs] So we took our kids and we showed them around a bit and then after two minutes, we were done and, uh… [audience laughing] I… I went and strapped my two-year-old back into the car, you know, his little vaccinated arse back into the car seat. [audience laughs] And I forgot that I was wearing these death booties, right? So you know the movement after you strap them in, you have to take a side step so you can close the door ’cause they’re too weak to pull the door shut, aren’t they? [audience chuckles] But as soon as I took that side step, my body just went, “Okay, we’re gonna go ahead and, uh… [audience laughing] …go ahead and put you down at this point. [audience laughs] Uh… You’re gonna go on your ass.” And my brain just went, “I… I can’t stop this. You, uh… [audience laughs] You are on your own.” I was falling down so slowly that I had time to move shit out of this pocket to this pocket. [audience laughing] I could move my handbag over and I was just walking it out. Just walking it out. I fell over so slowly, my wife had time to walk around the car, look at me and go, “What are you doing?” [audience laughs] I said, “I’m falling over.” [audience laughs] She took out her phone, took a few photos of me and sent it to everyone in our WhatsApp group. And I learned something valuable that day. I learned that I’m officially at the age-weight ratio where I no longer fall over. [audience laughs] I had a fall. [audience laughs] You don’t know when it will happen to you. Even five years ago, my friends would have gone, “Were you drunk?” [snickers] [audience laughs] Now I get all these concerned emojis and… [audience laughing] “Mate, are you all right? I believe you had a fall.” I’m like… [laughing continues] “No, bitch, I was wearing my death booties. I forgot.” The other thing that we think we’re nailing and we’re fucking not, are puffer jackets. And especially… [laughs] [audience laughing] …especially Melbourne, you are so bad for puffer jackets. You know, today, I would classify today’s weather as mild. Like, if you were one of those people that can feel the chill, maybe a long-sleeved T-shirt is for you. [audience laughs] You know what I saw today? Two ladies walked past me and both of them had those puffer jackets that come down to mid-calf. Zipped up. [audience laughs] I mean, that is a bold fucking statement if you zip it up. Sometimes you go, “Look, I had it at work, my hands are full so now I’m carrying it home and it’s open so I still get a breeze on.” When you zip it up, you’re saying to people, “I’m fucking cold.” [audience laughs] But I looked at those women and I thought, “What have you heard?” I mean, honestly, wouldn’t it just be spectacular come three o’clock… [puffs air] …massive storm, we’re up to our earlobes in snow. [audience laughs] And just these two bitches going, “Fucking knew it.” [audience laughs, applauds] They designed those jackets so people in Antarctica don’t freeze to death. Like, if you’ve got a colleague who’s a sherpa, you need to get one of those. [audience laughs] But if you’ve got a colleague named Brian who can’t cope with a cup of fucking tea, you’re fine. [audience laughs] Light layering is in your future. Get a cardigan and a scarf. You’re fine. So confusing when I come here ’cause I always fly into Australia then go straight to the hotel. It’s all air conditioned. And then at some point, I go, “I should go for a walk, I wonder what’s happening with the weather.” And then you look out the window at the people in the street and you go, “Yeah. [audience chuckles] It’s impossible to tell.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause two thirds of you are wearing puffer jackets with shorts and death booties! [audience laughs and applauds] I don’t know what’s going on. We preparing for snow or backyard cricket? [audience laughs] You know, we all do stupid shit on a daily basis. That doesn’t make you a loser. Just ’cause you’re having a tough time in your life doesn’t make you a loser. I think the only true losers in our society are those people who go online and attack people for shit that they cannot help. Like, if you’ve ever gone online and attacked someone for the way they look, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like– During the Olympics, right, a woman won a gold medal. I read the article, good on her. And then I had a brain fart and I clicked on the comments section. [audience laughs] If you want to lose hope in humanity, click on the comments section of your newspaper and just read that. The very first comment said, “Yeah, good on her, but what a dog.” [audience oohs] I clicked on this man’s profile and I thought, “He’s no oil painting. [audience laughs] Unless someone smudged him at birth.” [audience laughs] Like– The confidence you’d need to rock… If you’re gonna attack someone for their looks, you’d better be fucking hot. [audience laughs] Not even average looking. Fucking smoking hot. [audience laughs] ‘Cause then if you click on their profile, “Yeah, all right, fair call.” [audience laughs] But I don’t understand attacking someone for their looks because it’s not like she made herself. Like, if we made ourselves, we’d be stunning. I would be so beautiful, you wouldn’t be able to look at me. [audience laughs] I wouldn’t need to be introduced by anyone. You’d know I’m coming ’cause you’re coming. [audience laughs] Yeah. [audience applauds] He’s going, “Oh, she’s coming ’cause I’m coming!” [laughing and applause continues] [man cheers] If you truly have a problem with the way someone looks, look up their dad on Facebook and go, “Hey, bro, what happened?” [audience laughs] Or attacking someone for their sexuality. ‘Cause you know that’s not a choice. Oh, God. You know that’s not a choice? [audience laughs] [chuckles] I thought, “Fuck me, this is the audience… [laughs] [audience laughs] This is the audience that’s gonna break me,” like, “It is a choice. [audience laughs] We’re here from the Baptist Church and, uh… [laughing continues] …we believe it is a choice and you’ve been making the wrong choice.” [laughs] [audience laughs] “We’re here to put hands on you.” [laughing] You know it’s not a choice. Sexuality is not a choice. If it was a choice, there wouldn’t be a straight woman alive. [audience laughs, applauds] Like, no offense to men. No offense to men, I love you guys, but have you seen your balls? [audience roars] [laughs] Those aren’t your biggest asset. [laughs] [audience laughing] [chuckling] They’re an acquired taste. [audience laughs] I reckon the first– If it was a choice, if sexuality was a choice, the first time a woman walks into her room where there’s a naked man, she’d go “Oh. [audience laughs] Oh… Oh… [stammers] Uh… [exhales slowly] [laughing continues] I’m gonna go look for some puss. Uh… [audience laughs] I’m gonna leave you with that.” [audience laughs] Do you know how hard it is to explain what balls look like to a gold-star lesbian? [audience laughs] Do you guys know what a gold star is? [woman cheers] Okay, a gold star is a gay person who has never slept with anyone from the opposite sex. They only sleep with their own kind, the way God would want it. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [laughs] So– Oh, wait, actually, gay dudes can be platinum stars. They are ones that have never slept with anyone from the opposite sex and they were born via cesarean. [audience laughs] So, even on the day they came out, they had a look and went, “Fuck no! [audience laughing] Take me out through the sunroof!” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [chuckles] So… Do you know how hard it is for me to explain to a gold-star lesbian what balls look like? ‘Cause I’ve seen a fair few in my fucking time. [audience laughs] I go, “Well, basically, it’s like… [stammers] It’s like… [laughs] [audience laughs] It’s like… two rotten kiwi fruit… [audience laughing] [chuckles] …had a baby with some old tea bags and they just keep getting longer and longer and longer. You guys have been amazing! Thank you so much for having me. [audience cheers] Thank you, Melbourne! [audience applauds] [rock music playing] [applause continues] [cheering continues] https://www.netflix.com/title/81177697

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jack Whitehall: I’m Only Joking (2020) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jack-whitehall-im-only-joking-transcript/

Look. Jack! Jack! Jack, can you sign this for me, please? Jack– – Oh! What? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stand back. Whoa! Ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy, and welcome to the stage Mr. Jack Whitehall! Hello, Wembley! Wow, it doesn’t get any more prestigious than this. I’m quite nervous. I’m quite nervous. I’ve got to be frank with you, I have a history of cocking up prestigious gigs. The most I have ever bombed on stage was when I was booked to do Prince Charles’ Christmas party. It was exactly as weird as it sounds. The first thing that was weird about this gig is that I walked out, Charles and Camilla were sat in the front row, in high-backed chairs. I was thinking: “You are aware this is real life, not Game of Thrones?” Also, don’t sit in the front row. The front row as a comedian is the get-out-of-jail-free card. If the jokes aren’t working, you talk to the front row. You ask them what they do for a living. I can’t ask Prince Charles what he does for a living. He is the most famous unemployed man on the planet. “What do you do for a living?” “Just sort of sit around, wait for my parent to die.” “Me too.” So I can’t do the “what’s your job?” crowd work, ’cause my front row is a couple on benefits. I’m glad you laughed. I’m not gonna lie, on the night, it did not go down well. Meghan was the only one laughing which, if anything, made it worse. The other weird thing about this gig is that they didn’t give me a microphone, which is literally the only thing I need as a comedian. ‘Cause this is the only thing that gives me status over you. Without this, I am just… the crazy guy shouting on the high street! With this: “Hi, I’m here to talk to you about politics.” Without it: “I’m here to talk to you about Jesus!” No microphone, right? They’re in the front row. Forty-five minutes, I had to do. Forty-five minutes of dancing around in front of the royal family like I was the court-fucking-jester. My final indignity occurred, though, after the gig. Now, as a comedian, you know when you have had a bad show. You do not need to be told it. You especially do not need to be bantered by the future King of England. I was introduced to Prince Charles. Do you know what the first thing was that he said to me? “I think next year we’ll try a magician.” Cheeky fucker! It’s fine, it’s fine. I hooked him up with my friends at Magic Mike. Camilla bloody loved them. Know your crowd.  The lesson that I learned that night. It’s important as a comedian. It’s hard when you’re traveling. I’ve been living in America. Do we have any Americans? Whoa, okay. Yes, they’re certainly American. Okay, please don’t shoot. No… Applaud all you want. Sir… Sir, they can applaud. I’m still trying to break America. There is absolutely no way that comment is ending up in the special. Over my dead body. Figure of speech. I come in peace. I love America. It’s an amazing place. And do you know what I’ve come to realize? Americans, you basically do everything that we do, but you do it bigger, and you do it better. Like, we have stupid people here… but your stupid people are world class. And that is not me saying: “All Americans are stupid.” No, America also has the smartest people on the planet. What I’m saying is that when America does stupid, you do stupid. Like, our village idiot is in a park, shouting at clouds. Yours is president. The world is becoming a dumber place. You know how you know this? You know this from signs. I’ll give you an example of one that I saw. I was in Tucson, Arizona. And I went down for breakfast in my hotel, and there was a sign on the toaster in this hotel that said: “Please butter bread…” “…after use.” If you do not know that you are meant to butter your toast after it has been toasted, you should not be allowed anywhere near a toaster, unless you are taking it with you into a bath. To be fair, right? This sign was affixed to the worst invention that mankind has ever created. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hotel… conveyor belt toaster. No one in this entire 10,000-strong arena has ever made a decent piece of toast on the hotel conveyor belt toaster. Unfathomably shit. And handily fitted with a small window, so you can witness your misery play out in slow motion. First time through. Whoosh! Still bread. Second time through. Whoosh! Barely warm. Third time through. Burnt to a crisp! There is literally no setting to get it right. It’s like putting a ginger on a sunbed, it’s impossible. And there’s always a queue out into the lobby ’cause you got stuck behind some old man that thought it was a good idea to put in a bagel. A bagel? Are you out of your fucking mind, Granddad? If you wanted a bagel toasted in that machine in time for breakfast, it needed to go in a week ago. By the time that’s toast, you might be as well. Then it’s like they went: “Oh, how can we make this machine even shitter? I know, let’s have your piece of crappy toast be delivered onto a little tray underneath it that we set at a slight angle, so your piece of shitty toast is sent flying straight onto the bloody floor.” You see people waiting for it to pop out, like fielders in the slip cordon. “Oh, this is going to be a slippery catch to take.” “Why’s that?” “Well, I’m one of those psychopaths that likes to butter the bread before.” It wasn’t even the worst sign that I saw. The worst sign that I saw was in the same hotel, but it was by the pool. I went down to the hotel swimming pool to have a lovely, refreshing dip in the hotel swimming pool, when I read a sign, ladies and gentlemen, that stopped me in my tracks, and it chilled me to the core. It read like this: “Would you please refrain from entering the hotel swimming pool if you have active… diarrhea.” Well, thank you very much for putting me off this, or indeed, any swimming pool ever again. Because that sign can only exist… because someone did. How is that something that we need a sign to remind us of? Don’t get me wrong, I like swimming as much as the next man. But I accept that if I am in the clutches of an attack… of active diarrhea, there are certain activities that I will not be participating in for a short while. Swimming, trampolining, horseback riding, skydiving, probably tandem skydiving as well. I personally am the kind of person that lives his life governed by the fear that I might, one day, shit myself in public. Case in point, every time I’m in a car and I do not realize that the heated seat is on, I’m like: “Fuck, today’s the day.” Also, more importantly, what on earth does this phrase even mean? Active diarrhea. As opposed to what? Inactive diarrhea? “Yes, we’ve had diarrhea in the family for generations. My great-grandfather traveled to India, picked up a bit of the old Delhi belly, but fortunately, as he got the dormant kind, none of us have ever soiled ourselves.” I can only assume that active diarrhea means it is literally coming out of your ass. If that is the case, and for some baffling reason you have decided that your best chance of salvation is the crowded hotel swimming pool, I don’t think you’re the kind of fucker that stops to read a sign. “What’s this? ‘No running, no diving…’ But ah, yes, nothing about shitting. Well, bombs away.” This is the world that we live in, though. We have to care about everyone’s feelings, everyone’s tolerances, everyone’s intolerances, everyone’s… dietary… requirements. I’ll tell you where it’s gone too far, and I have to be the person to say this. For the love of God… we have got enough… milks now. Would everyone stop milking shit? I went to buy coffee recently. Near to where I live, in London, a very rough part of London called Notting Hill. I went in there. I have very straightforward coffee tastes. It should have been a very straightforward transaction. It was anything but. I went in there. I was like: “Hello, I’d like a white coffee, please.” “Okay, sir, what kind of milk would you like with your coffee? We’ve got a coconut milk, we’ve got an almond nut milk, we’ve got hazelnut milk, we’ve got cashew milk, we’ve got a macadamia nut milk, we’ve got oat, rice, hemp, soy milk. You can have it from a bean, pulse, nut, grain, oat, lax, from a leaf, seed, tree.” “I’d like it from a nipple, please.” “I don’t care what type of nipple. Preferably a cow’s, but I’m not fussy. I’ll take it from whatever nipple I can get.” She looked at me like I had requested it from hers. Like I was the weirdo. I’m not the weirdo. You’re the one in the back of the shop with your little friends, milking fucking cashew nuts. You’re the freaks, not me. I do not, for one moment, doubt that lactose intolerance is a very grave and pressing issue for humanity. But lest I remind you, we currently don’t have a cure for cancer, and there are 12 readily available milk substitutes on the market which, I would argue, is 11 more than we need! And look, we’re all having fun. I don’t want to turn my special into a TED Talk. But I’m about to hit you up with some pretty sophisticated science here. Milk must come… from a tit. Last time I checked, the almond? Pretty flat-chested. You are drinking… nut juice. Oh, dear. I worry this may be a little bit of a London problem. On this tour that I’ve been doing… I bring this up ’cause I was in the northeast of England and we were doing a show there, and we were staying in this tiny, little hotel in the middle of nowhere. It was amazing. There was a slightly older gentleman that was serving us breakfast at this hotel. And my tour manager, Johnny, asked him about the milk situation. He got the best response I have ever heard. He was like: “Excuse me, what are the milk options?” The guy went: “Hot… or cold.” Where are the dairy drinkers in? Who’s a dairy drinker here this evening? You do realize we are the smokers of 2020? Seriously. Watch as we get slowly ostracized from society. They’ll give us our own designated areas to go and drink our dirty titty milk in. They’ll have warnings soon, like with the cigarettes. You’ll go into the supermarket, pick up a carton of milk, there’ll be a sticker on the side of it: “Warning, may cause healthy bones and teeth.” And don’t you dare, don’t you dare, in 2020, drink your disgusting titty milk… through a plastic straw. Oh, no, no, you may as well be sucking it directly from the devil’s dick. I got that lecture recently from a friend, a friend who’s the classic environmental hypocrite. I don’t know if you’ve come across this woman. She gives it all the: “Yeah, I’ve got my reusable coffee cup and my reusable water bottle, all in my eco-friendly grocery bag.” You drove here in a fucking Hummer. She comes at me about the straw: “Jack, you can’t use a plastic straw anymore. What about the environment? What about the wildlife? You need a reusable straw.” I was like: “Okay, fine, understood.” I went, I got myself a reusable straw. It’s made of ivory. It works a fucking treat. Doing my bit, doing my bit. Don’t use a coffee cup anymore, I take my turtle shell into Starbucks. I’m like: “Fill that bad boy up.” And I’ve started recycling condoms, so… Yeah, the big man knows what I’m talking about. Quick rinse, get rid of any nut juice, stick it on the washing line. It’s a bag for life. We’ve got to do our bit. Do our bit now. I had the vegan Impossible Burger the other day. Oh, my God, amazing. Here’s the twist. Tastes just like a regular hamburger, but… it’s the price of two hamburgers. And guilt-free. Plus, you can get any topping you like. I went for bacon and foie gras. Mmm! ‘Cause that, of course, is the answer. We should all be going vegan. My uh… flatmate, Hugo, recently… Of course, Hugo. I’m just a normal guy. No. The Hugester, he’s great. Um… he lives in the east wing and… Anyway, he’s a vegan, but here’s the thing. He didn’t want to call himself a vegan ’cause he was worried that some of his friends might give him shit. Moi. So… instead of calling himself a vegan, Hugo decided that he was going to identify as… Get ready for it because it is a humdinger. …plant-positive. Ah, nice work, Hugo. Successfully sidestepped the wanker bullet there, didn’t we? And it’s now literally every other word out of his mouth. He’s like: “Jack, you can make as many jokes as you like about me being plant-positive. I’m going to live ten years longer than you.” “Yeah, not if you keep calling yourself plant-positive around me. I will smother you in your sleep. Actually, I won’t even need to smother you now. You’re a vegan. I’ll just place the cushion on your face, you’ll be too weak to lift it off.” “You’re suffocating me.” “No, just making you oxygen-negative.” … It’s no good crying over spilt nut juice. Where are the vegans at? We got vegans in? Okay, an army of them. Oh, dear. I’m going to get booed off stage in a hail of tofu. I– I’m sorry. Honestly, I am. I come in peace, okay? I don’t want any beef, and, quite frankly, neither do you. Vegan-bashing, that’s what that was. And it is, excuse the pun, low-hanging fruit. Because there is no denying, your life choice, Hundred percent better for you, better for the world. I also know why… human beings have a pop at vegans. It’s a very simple human instinct. As human beings, we basically just can’t bear anyone else that has exercised any degree of self-control. And you all fucking do it. Doesn’t matter what that self-control is. Someone that’s become a vegan, someone that’s given up drinking, someone that’s running a marathon, someone that has started cycling to work. Your mouth goes: “Oh, good for you.” And your head goes: “Cunt.” Because we don’t want people #LivingTheirBestLife. We want them #LivingASlightlyShittierLifeThanUs, so we can feel better about our pathetic existence. That’s why all those dickheads get wound up by Greta Thunberg. I mean, talk about living your best life. She has put the entire world to shame. That girl is a boss. She is a child. Yes. She is a child and she has raised a global climate change revolution. When I was a child, I couldn’t raise a Tamagotchi. She’s at the UN, telling them: “We need to save the planet through radical action.” I was like: “Mommy, it’s making a funny noise and asking me to feed it, what do I do?” “Just send it to boarding school.” We also have no excuse now. It’s never been easier to be a better citizen of the world. I was in the supermarket recently. Not Waitrose, or Whole Foods, before you start judging me. Sorry to disappoint, Not doing Waitrose jokes. Been told to cut them out. For real. After my last tour, my manager took me aside and said: “Jack, your reference points are a little unrelatable. If you ever want to be a comedian you know, a man of the people, cut out the Waitrose stuff.” So, understood. ‘Cause I’m a normal guy. So the other day, I was in the supermarket, my favorite, the “Lie-dl.” Or when I’m in the States, “Walmar.” I saw a sign in the supermarket, though, for Veganuary. That is a great idea, giving up meat for a month. All onboard with that. But why January? On behalf of everyone, can I please say, people need to back the fuck off January. We already have Dry January. Now we have Veganuary. Newsflash: January already the shittest month of the year. That is not the month you should be giving up vices. If anything, that is the month you should be finding new ones for. “Jack, are you giving up booze and meat for January?” “Nope, but I will be taking up heroin.” Yeah, the month flies by, and that Christmas weight just drops off. Who’s with me? 2021, Smackuary. Got to be more ethical ’cause the meat eaters can be more ethical as well. Can ask the right questions. Got to pick your moments. I’m a normal guy, so I took a girl on a date to the Nan-doss. She started asking questions about the chicken. There is a time and a place for asking questions about the chicken. Nan-doss is not it. The poor guy there didn’t have a fucking clue. She asked him where the chicken was from. He said: “The fridge.” That’s the thing. You’ve gotta be aware of the food eaten by the food that we’re eating. I saw an article the other day saying you are no longer allowed to feed ducks in the park bread. Do you know why? Because it makes them… bloated. They’re ducks. Their job… is to float. What does it matter if they’re bloated? That’s a fucking advantage. Started listing alternatives. Instead of feeding them bread, you could feed them corn kernels, you could feed them peas, you could feed them grapes. Grapes? Am I visiting this duck in hospital now? Can you imagine how much of an asshole I would look like if I turned up to my local park, everyone else is chucking in moldy bits of bread, I turn up with a basket of grapes? “Oh, you may be ducks, but today you will feast like swans. Don’t fill up too much, you won’t leave room for the cheese board. Here we are. Lie-dl’s finest Latvian Camembert. Come, enjoy, enjoy.” Gluten-free ducks. Whatever next? They’ll be going keto. That’s what’ll happen. I can’t keep up with the fad diets. There appears to be a new one every week. You’ve got juicers, your fasters. The fasters, that’s the weirdest one. It’s like a cult. Fast the 5:2 diet. “Yeah, I’m doing the 5:2 diet. For five days, I eat what I like. For two days, I fast. And for seven days, I tell everyone about it.” And they’re always so desperate to tell you how good fasting is for you. It’s like: “I have eyes in my head, I can see what’s in front of me.” These people look emaciated, physically weak. Like prisoners of war. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I can’t have that biscuit. I’m actually doing a fast at the moment. It’s absolutely amazing, you’ve got to try it sometime. I haven’t made saliva for three days.” “What have you lost?” “Two stone and my vision.” “It’s honestly the best I’ve ever felt.” Oh, God. I feel like a lot of this will come back and haunt me. I mean, in six months’ time, I will 100% be a vegan. And… drinking falafel milk. I’m just jealous of people for living the life that I want to live. I do it with everything. Like love-life. Now that my love-life is a car crash, I literally cannot be around happy couples. Aww. Give me a cheer if you’re in a happy relationship. Mate, it doesn’t work if you drag your girlfriend’s hand up when I ask that question. Frigging caveman over here. “She happy.” Give me a cheer if you’re in an unhappy relationship. Right, we can hang out. I love spotting these unhappy couples. I saw one the other day. I was on a plane. This husband and wife walked on. I don’t know whether they were husband and wife, but they were over 60. So if you’re over 60, whether you’re married or not, you’re a husband and wife. ‘Cause there is nothing cringier than anyone over 60 referring to themselves as: “boyfriend and girlfriend.” You’re not in primary school. And I know that’s ageist to say, but unfortunately it’s just true. I met this guy the other day. He was old. Like, old-old. Like, you could have got into his iPhone by showing it one of your testicles, like that. He had to be pushing 80. And he introduced me to the woman that he was with: “This is my girlfriend.” That is your next of kin. So the couple come on. The husband sits down, instantly falls asleep, starts snoring out loud. And the wife is looking over at him, and loathing him with every fiber of her being. At one point he did that thing like he was choking in his sleep. Like… I accidentally caught her eye. She gave me a look as if to say: “Shh! If he goes, he goes.” He’s got his tray table down. She’s written, “Do not resuscitate.” Whole flight, he snores out loud. By the time it gets to the landing, even the screaming baby was like: “This guy’s an asshole.” But because his seat was ever so slightly inclined, the air hostess had to come over and put it into the upright position for landing, or as we know, the plane would’ve burst into a ball of flames. In doing so, she accidentally wakes him up, and he was not best pleased. He snapped at her. He was like: “Oh, my God, is… is it really worth leaning over and waking me up for the sake of two inches?” And his wife went: “Not in my experience.” There were high-fives. The pilot had to do an announcement. “To the lady in row 33, you go, girl, you go!” Everyone was loving it. Other than me. I was sat there thinking: “This is the last time I ever sit behind my fucking parents on a plane.” I’m glad you enjoyed that bit. Do you know who did not enjoy that bit the first time he heard it? Michael Whitehall. Oh, my God. The first time he heard that bit, he had the most Michael Whitehall response you have ever heard. I came offstage afterwards. He was waiting for me, looming at the end of the bar, like a pissed vampire. He was like: “I didn’t like that new plane bit of yours.” I was like: “Daddy, obviously it wasn’t actually you guys, it was just a joke.” He went: “Row 33, I do not want people thinking that we fly economy.” He’s got even worse now, as well, that he is a minor celebrity. I’m not saying fame has gone to his head, but the other day, my dad was doing a medical questionnaire and under “Occupation,” he put: “National treasure.” We all know he’s on borrowed time. Eventually he’s going to say or tweet something that’s gonna get him canceled. We did this ancestry show on the BBC, Who Do You Think You Are? The answer, it turns out, is: “an asshole.” Yep, my father comes from a long line of assholes, it turns out. On one side of the family, we were taken to Birmingham. I was like: “Great, I’m going to be related to a Peaky Blinder.” Nope, sex pest. One of my ancestors was a philandering con artist that got syphilis, gave it to his wife, and they both died in a mental asylum. Well, it turns out, he was the good one. Oh, yeah, my other ancestor made old Cheaty McSyphilis look like Mother Teresa. Other side of the family, we visited Wales and discovered that I’m related to a prominent Welsh Tory M.P. that introduced blood sports to the nation, then put down a revolt of Welsh workers that were fighting for the right to vote, and had the William Wallace of Wales arrested, and hung, drawn and quartered for treason. So I’m finding all of this stuff out. I was… I was upset, I was moved, I was disturbed. I turned to look at my dad. Fucking nothing. I was like: “Daddy, you need to look more upset. There are cameras on us. Can you at least pretend to be sad?” He went: “I am sad. It is all deeply depressing. I had absolutely no idea that we were Welsh.” I get it, right? I get it. Your perception of your parents changes over time. As a child, you look at your mom and dad and you’re like: “You two are the most embarrassing people that I have ever seen in my entire life.” Then you get a little bit older, a bit wiser, you become an adult, and eventually you go: “You know what? Actually, I think these two might be all right.” Then they retire and you spend more time with them and you’re like: “Oh, no, I had it right the first time. You’re fucking mental.” And in my family, my sister definitely gets it worse. Last year, my sister got engaged. That should have been a lovely moment for our family. And it was, for nought-point-five seconds. Until she then announced she didn’t want to get married in a church. Oh, dear. Anyone would’ve thought she told him she’d voted Green. Did not go down well. He went: “What do you mean you don’t want to get married in a church, Molly? If I’m paying for this wedding, you’re not having it in a fucking barn. If I’m paying for this wedding, it will happen in a house of worship.” The look on his face when he finds out we’ve booked a mosque. Now the pressure’s on me, of course. To get married. To have a child. They keep asking: “When are you going to give us a grandchild?” I’m like: “I’m trying to put an end to this bloodline of syphilitic mass murderers.” But it’s because I had my first proper breakup recently. I had an amicable breakup, which people tell you is a good thing. I’m here to tell you, it fucking ain’t. Much better to hate the person. I say that as a person. I also say that as an artiste. Because the one advantage of having tragedy in your life as an artiste is it can inspire great work. No one has ever written a brilliant album about a lovely breakup, where everyone behaved impeccably. I wanted her crushing my heart into the floor, throwing my clothes out of the window. I wanted to get Adele’d, right? Instead, my ex-girlfriend took my mom for tea to help my mom transition through the split. Yeah, fuck you with your kindness and generosity. I want to be rolling in the deep. Instead, I’m in the shallow end, making jokes about diarrhea. Then we had this weird situation where me and my ex were just friends and we were living in the same flat together for a couple of months. That was very weird. Trying to help each other acclimatize to our new life as just friends. Shall I tell you the most tragic moment? We were in the kitchen together, and for the first time in six years, she farted in front of me. And no words were exchanged. I just walked out of the room, went upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom, and had a little cry because I knew it was over. In one gust, she had broken wind and my heart. Some of this new material’s quite bleak. Seriously, though. She was farting in front of me. She was trying to make herself less attractive to me. She was literally trying to fart herself off the pedestal. But it didn’t work. I am a man. It only made me love her more. Then I tried to play ball as well. I was like: “Is there anything I could do to make myself less attractive to you?” She went: “No, I think I’m pretty much there.” Now I’ve got to put in an effort again. Got to put a shift in in the bedroom again, I don’t like having to do that. Oh, no, I’m very conservative in the bedroom. No thrills with me between the sheets. I always say, sex with me is like arriving late at the theater and trying to find your seat. Lot of shuffling, bit of shushing, a pause, and from somewhere in the darkness, a whispered: “I’m sorry.” Unfortunately, never that noise. I– I’m just not equipped for any of this. I’m not equipped for a breakup emotionally, ’cause I am a product of the British public school system. If a relationship broke down at boarding school, you weren’t encouraged to talk about it. Mainly ’cause a lot of those teachers could’ve lost their jobs. The closest I’ve come to a relationship since, though, has been with Alexa. Ah, lovely Alexa. Stores and records everything you say, so that she can use it in the future. Just like a real girlfriend. And I lead the bachelor lifestyle now. Woohoo, bachelor lifestyle! Breakfast for dinner. Fuck, yeah. Same underpants for a week. Did someone order a legend? Ooh, is this just the kitchen sink, or is it also now the downstairs toilet? Too far? I love saying that onstage every night, and then looking out into the crowd, without fail, always seeing at least four or five guys laugh, and then turn to their missus and be like: “I have no idea what he’s talking about.” Was that rock bottom, or was rock bottom going to the kitchen and realizing that the only food I had left in the house was the emergency Pot Noodle, only to then discover, she’d taken the kettle? “Well, I guess you’re getting filled up directly from the hot tap.” I’m not proud of myself. Sat on the sofa in a Slanket, crunching through an al dente Bombay Bad Boy, hoping it will give me the sustenance I need to return to the job at hand, namely seeing whether it is possible to wank yourself into a coma. “Say my name, Alexa.” “Jack Whitehall.” “Yeah! Who’s the daddy?” “Searching Michael Whitehall.” “No! Don’t do that.” I think it’s fair to say, I went off the rails a little bit. It all came to a head when I went to… to Germany for a weekend. Uh… quite sad, actually. Last year, we went to Berlin to say goodbye to a friend of mine, who we lost in June… June, July? It was a summer wedding, I can’t remember when. That’s right. After the self-pity stage of breakup grief comes the “getting annihilated” stage, and where better to do that than surrounded by all of your happily married friends? #LivingAShittierLife. So I’ve been up for three days on this stag-do, and I’m in Berlin Airport, on the way home. I’m stood in the queue for airport security, and I put my hand into my pocket to take out my passport, and instead, I withdraw a single edible weed gummy. Oh, dear. I look around for somewhere to dispose of this thing, there is nowhere in immediate sight. For a brief moment, it crossed my mind for a second, I looked in front and there was a child with an open backpack. I didn’t, ’cause I’m not a monster. And I couldn’t distract his mom. S– So I was like, reluctantly: “This is going to have to go down the hatch.” So I swallow this thing. Now, I am a little bit of a novice when it comes to the old edible marijuana. These things are incredibly strong. It hit me like a fucking freight train. By the time I was at the front of this queue, I was so high, I could’ve flown home without the aid of an airplane. I knew I was in serious trouble when I was stood in the body-scanning machine, legs akimbo, arms aloft. I was like: “Why is it not scanning you? It’s not scanning you ’cause it knows that you’ve got drugs in your belly, you naughty boy.” I then realized the actual reason it wasn’t scanning me was ’cause I was stood, legs akimbo, arms aloft, in a regular metal detector. It was at that point that I heard a German voice shouting at me from behind: “Das ist verboten.” I’m no linguist, but I was certain it wasn’t the German for: “Have a nice day. The lounge is over there.” I turn around, the security official is pointing very aggressively at my midriff region and shouting something in German. I realize, with hindsight, he was pointing at my belt. He wanted me to take my belt off. Unfortunately, I was so high, I didn’t even realize I was wearing a belt. For some reason, in that moment, I thought that he was pointing… at my trousers, and I thought that he wanted them off. I was like: “Wow, these German security officials are awfully thorough.” But I went to a Catholic boarding school. If a figure of authority tells you to drop ’em, you fucking drop ’em. So, in the middle of Berlin Airport, I began to slowly start pulling down my trousers. He did not like that one bit. If anything, it made him even angrier. He started shouting more. He was like: “Oben!” Oben, I’ve Googled it. It’s the German word for “up,” as in: “Pull your trousers up.” I don’t speak German. I thought he’d shouted: “Open.” I was like: “This has escalated.” The most worrying element of this story is quite how compliant I was. I thought, in that moment, that a security official wanted to anally cavity search me in front of everyone in the airport, and I put up no protest whatsoever. He literally just had to shout “open” once, and I was assuming the position, preparing for entry. “Well, if that’s the way it’s got to go, Fritz, that’s the way it’s got to go. Stick a pinkie in there first, if you would. Call me old-fashioned but I need to be wooed.” This is why I need a girlfriend. To keep me in line. I’m not good at being single. I should have one-night stands, that’s what you’re to do. I’m scared of one-night stands. Know why? I’m scared of getting something. My friend, he had a one-night stand. He got the one that you can’t get rid of. Kids. Did you just look at your daughter, on the punchline of that joke? That was brutal. “That’s you, that is. My little STD.” -She’s what? It’s your wife? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I’m so sorry. It’s fine. It’s not like we’re filming this. It’s not going anywhere, it’s fine. Fucking punching. I, uh… Michael Whitehall would be proud. The rest of the show is to this side. I can’t even look over there. This guy’s going to come up– Stop waving at me. No, that doesn’t make it any better. I already feel absolutely mortified. Thank you, comedy gods. But we must move on. My point is, I’m not ready to have a child. I’d be a terrible parent. Oh, my God. This was a sign I saw recently. I was driving along the road. There was a sign at the side of it: “Drive like your children live here.” I was doing 130 when I hit that tree. I did this recently. Oh, my God. Has anyone ever done it? I accidentally hit a kid skiing. Someone’s laughing over there, like they’ve done it. Not good. It probably wasn’t your fault either. It was so unfair. To be fair to me, this little fucker cut straight in front of me, in the line for the buffet, and I just lashed out. The reality is, I reckon, some parents don’t help their kids. I met a woman the other day whose child’s name… was Isis. I know. I know. She was like: “It’s Greek for ‘goddess of nature.'” I was like: “It’s rest of the world for ‘shooty-shooty, bomb-bomb.'” So you need to think of another name, love, ’cause that one’s been hijacked. Wrong word, wrong word. Also, this wasn’t information she shared with the group. This was information she casually dropped into the conversation, like it was a normal thing. I’d never met this woman before in my life. You can imagine how concerned I was. We’re all sat there in the pub, having a lovely drink, when all of a sudden, this complete stranger pipes up and goes: “Well, I need to go home to be up early tomorrow morning to help Isis with a project.” “Sorry, I beg your fucking pardon?” “Yes, typical Isis, announces it at five o’clock and it’s me that’s got to go to the shop and buy all the bloody materials. Then I’ve to pack the backpack, drive to the bus stop. I might as well take it to school myself.” “Take this bitch down right fucking now.” Eventually I realize she’s talking about her child. I was like: “You can’t call your child Isis.” She was like: “I called her Isis before the terrorist organization. I was like: “I should fucking hope so.” But unfortunately, there are certain names that get taken out of circulation. That’s why you don’t swipe right with many Adolfs on Tinder. To be fair to Hitler… which is a terrible sentence… to start any routine with. To be fair to Hitler– Stop saying it, stop saying it. I… I’ve always wanted a catchphrase, I don’t think that’s the one to plumb for. In Hitler’s defense… No, worse! Worse, worse, worse. Worse. Swastikas, that’s what I want to talk about. Okay? Swastikas, okay? Perfect example of appropriation. Have you met this dickhead that says to you: “Oh, I don’t know whether you know this, but the swastika is actually a Buddhist symbol”? “Yeah… not anymore.” “No, it symbolizes the footprints of the Buddha.” “You know what? Next time you walk into a bar and you see a guy with a shaved head and a swastika tattooed on his neck, you walk up to him and give him your friendliest… namaste. Let’s hope you get reincarnated as someone that’s not a twat.” Anyway, I’m being harsh. I’m being harsh. Obviously, this mother didn’t call her daughter Isis provocatively. And apparently, Isis was a lovely little girl. And a wonderful sister, as well. To her brothers, Hamas and Hezbollah. Ah, that’s a routine that feels like it’s on borrowed time. The best thing about doing that bit is I’ve been doing that for months, and now that I’ve done it on tour, you get other people coming up to you that want to tell you that their child is also called Isis. And I tell you, it attracts a certain type of person. I was in a crowded hotel lobby the other day. This guy in a tweed jacket comes striding towards me. “Jack, my daughter’s Isis as well.” “We are in public, mate.” “Come over here. Will you do a video for her on the phone? Come on. Do a video for her. He’s doing a video for Isis.” “Shut up!” I’ll tell you another one. An awkward social situation that I mess up on a daily basis now. Not realizing that my AirPods have not synced up to my mobile phone, and my music is playing to fucking everyone. Had the worst one the other day. Happened in the gym. Now, when I go to the gym, I’m like The Rock. No pain, no gain. I leave nothing there. I find an exercise bike in the corner, and pop myself on it. Put on my hoodie, stick in my AirPods, and I’ll put on something mellow. We’re talking audio book, we’re talking classical music, we’re talking film score. I set the incline to nought-point-five, and then I have a quiet little pootle, like I am one of Call The Fucking Midwife. Only on this occasion, everyone in the gym is looking at me. Now, for some reason, my first thought was: “Hmm, they must all be looking over here ’cause Quadzilla is burning some serious rubber.” I then had an awful moment, where it dawned upon me that the actual reason everyone in the gym was looking at me is that I was in the corner, on an exercise bike, hoodie on, AirPods in, playing to the entire gym, the theme tune from E.T. Do I look normal and nice again? Yes, one woman, thank you very much. That wolf whistle was a little late. But thank you. I’m going to tell you one more story. It’s about my dad. Look, I know that I’ve made jokes about him, and uh… the reality is, I love him dearly, and I never take for granted how lucky I am to spend that time traveling around the world with him. And I’m so proud of him, for how much he puts himself out of his comfort zone to do the stuff that we do. I get to see whole new sides to my dad that I never thought that I would see. And that’s not to say that, on occasion, I haven’t pushed him too far. And so I want to leave you with this story about the occasion when I did just that. And it was actually very traumatic at the time. It was something that we didn’t feel like we could put in the show, because it wound up with him collapsing and being rushed to hospital. But… tragedy plus time equals comedy. So, here goes. It happened when we went to the Ukraine, and we visited Chernobyl. Has anyone ever been to Chernobyl, by the way? Just that woman over there. Holding up her third hand. It’s a terrifying place, terrifying place, the site of the worst ever nuclear disaster in human history. Uninhabited now, other than by packs of feral, stray dogs, but, weirdly, also now a tourist destination. Fun for all the family. They’ve got a gift shop in Chernobyl. They’ve got a canteen in Chernobyl. A canteen in Chernobyl, which no one in their right mind would eat in. Unfortunately, my father, not in his right mind. We went in there. It was full of Japanese tourists. Eventually, I get to the front of the queue. I was like: “So, what’s on the menu today?” “Meat… in bun.” “Thank you, madam. What’s the vegetarian option?” “You take the meat… out of the bun.” A hundred times I told Daddy: “Do not eat the meat in a bun.” Did he listen? Did he– Fuck. He was like: “I’ve eaten lunch every day at 1:00 p.m. my entire life, today will be no exception. Go find me a wine list.” “Wine list? Daddy, we’re in a canteen in Chernobyl, there is no wine list. Even if there was, I don’t think you’d want to go anywhere near.” “Would sir like the red, white, or glow-in-the-dark?” “Uh… red, please. Could you suggest a good year?” “Anything before 1986.” I was like: “Daddy, you’re not having any wine. Just… have a glass of water.” He went: “I don’t drink water.” “Why?” “Because fish fuck in it.” So he doesn’t drink any water. He eats the mystery “meat” in a bun. Cut to 45 minutes later. We’re in a van with our camera crew. We are driving past the exclusion zone towards Pripyat, into the deserted woodlands, the most toxic and radioactive place on earth, when all of a sudden, my father turns to me and whispers in my ear: “Jack, I need the toilet.” I turn to look at him, and he does not look in a good way. Seriously, I have not seen him this red in the face since I told him there was a Women’s World Cup. I’m like: “Daddy, you can’t go to the toilet, you missed your chance, we are now in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.” He grabbed my arm, and in a voice that sounded like he had been possessed by a demon, he goes: “Stop this van!” I’ve never seen my dad partake in physical exercise in his entire life. He literally ripped open the door to this van, and he ran into the woods like he was Usain fucking Bolt. I turned to the camera crew, I’m like: “Hide behind the van. I will go and deal with this.” I follow my father into the woods, past these signs. “Danger, do not trespass.” “Radiation.” You’re constantly told in Chernobyl that you cannot touch or lean on any surface, for fear of radiation poisoning. Therefore, as I enter the woods, it becomes very clear very quickly that the only way that my 79-year-old father is going to be able to relieve himself in the woods… is with my assistance. Oh, you may grimace. I had to live through this experience. My father pulls down the trousers of his three-piece suit. I take him in both hands… I tread on the tops of his feet, and at the same time, we both start to slowly lean back… like we’re doing some horrible tantric yoga pose. I can’t look at him, I have to go to a happy place. I start humming a tune. I’m broken from my happy place by the sound of barking. I open my eyes. One of these feral, radioactive dogs is advancing towards my father’s arse, thinking: “Mmm, lunchtime!” I’m trying to scare this thing away. I’m like: “Shoo, shoo, please just leave us alone.” My dad’s shouting as well: “This is so fucking undignified.” I think it’s when the coachload of Japanese tourists drove past… that I must have gone into a fugue state. That is not a side of my father that I want to see. The next thing that I remember is coming to, walking towards this van, thinking: “I’m never going to be able to look Daddy in the eye ever again.” I call the camera crew out from their hiding place. First comes our director, then our cameraman. The third person to emerge was Marc, our sound engineer. He also had a haunted look on his face. It’s at that point that I realize that throughout the entire ordeal in the woods, we had been wearing microphones. Then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, the crunch of tires on gravel, an armored vehicle pulls up. And from that armored vehicle emerged three armed members of the Ukrainian military police. They assess the scene, they see my father’s ashen face, they see the signs that we have completely ignored, and they see the site of Chernobyl’s second worst ever nuclear fallout. They do not look best pleased. It’s at that point that I think quickly and I intervene. I’m like: “Gentlemen, before you say anything, can I just point out that I have read all of the signs here, and nowhere can I see one that says, ‘Would you please refrain from entering the woods with active diarrhea.'” Wembley, you’ve been absolutely amazing. Thank you very much. I’ve been Jack Whitehall, good night. Chernobyl 2018 30 minutes after fallout [Michael Whitehall] I don’t know why you’re fucking smirking. We’ve ended up in hospital in Chernobyl. [Michael Whitehall] I look like I’m being basted for Christmas. Why’re they lined up? You’re not Prince Charles. [Michael Whitehall] I would like to thank you all very much for looking after me so well. And I will always have very fond memories of this hospital, and of you three for looking after me.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Sam Jay: 3 in the Morning (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sam-jay-3-in-the-morning-transcript/

Holy shit. What the fuck is up, Atlanta? This shit is fuckin’ amazing, man. Wow. This shit really hit me today. I was– I was walking to the venue and, you know, all the emotions. Like, this is my fucking special. I’m here, I’m doing the shit that I set out to do this whole fuckin’ time. You know? I was walking down, and I was– I was coming… through the alleyway, and I was like, “This is really some full-circle shit.” ‘Cause the last dude I fucked… I met at a bar right over there. The last dick I took, I met right over there. Yeah! Crazy! That was the last dick I sucked. Whoa! Every time I think about it, my mind’s blown. Like, “bitch, you was sucking dicks.” I don’t like dicks at all! Like, I know that for a fact. I don’t like dicks. I don’t even like wearing ’em when bitches ask me to. I don’t like dicks. And I was suckin’ whole dicks, just putting ’em in my mouth. The shit we’ll do to fit in, you know? I just wanted to be friends with my friends! I just wanted to be able to talk to my peer group. Like, “Yeah, girl, the balls are salty like that. The balls be salty as fuck. I know, girl. It’s crazy how salty the balls are.” Suckin’ whole dicks… Nutty! Never was good at it, either. D-minus dick-sucker. D-minus. Never won the dick-suck game. I had some nights– I had some Jordan flu game. “Tonight’s the night I ball!” You know, just go-hard nights. I have to say that disclaimer ’cause I’ll be like, “I’m a bad dick-sucker,” and somebody in the crowd’ll be like, “She sucked the shit out my dick!” I’ll be like, “Oh, God dammit! I did. That night, I did. I did… do the fuckin’ job.” Shit is wild, man. I’m with my girl. I travel everywhere with my girl, which is stupid. I bring my girl everywhere ’cause I love her, but also, uh, fuck her. You know, it’s annoying. Like, I’m in love, I’m in love. This is a woman I’ve chased. I’m in love. I’ve chased this woman for years. But also, like, “Oh, shut the fuck up and go away.” Like, we shouldn’t be taking trips together. I realized that that’s where I’m fucking up. We should be going on trips, but on separate trips. Like, she goes to Hawaii, I go to London, then we switch. You know what I mean? I go to Hawaii, she goes to London. So we see the same shit so we can talk about it later. We’ll have a dialogue, but we don’t actually have to be in the same fuckin’ space. ‘Cause that seems to be creating the problems. Recently, I went home, back to Boston. That’s where I’m from. I’m a Boston kid, you know? But I also don’t go back often because my whole family’s there. Like, all of them. I love ’em, but it’s a lot. Know what I mean? So I try to avoid it. But I was like, “My girl needs to meet my people. I’m goin’ home.” I take my girl, I go back home. It was nice at first. She met my favorite uncle. He’s my favorite ’cause every time I see him, he asks if I’m still gay. Which is nice. Every time I see him, he’s like, “Hey, you still messin’ with the ladies?” Like, one day, I was like, “Nah, Unc, back suckin’ these dicks! Back on these dicks, partner. That’s what… Puttin’ my mouth on balls again, baby. That’s… how I like to live.” But it was dope. It was nice for my girl to just see… where the fuck I come from, you know? You always want that with your partner. Just see how I grew up. See the people that raised me. Just get to know me a little bit better. And all of that felt really good. We was havin’ a great time. I took her out, she met my friends from high school. Lot of my homegirls, they were telling her stories about how I used to have my titties out and shit, you know? Just lettin’ her know who I used to be. Everything was chill. Everything was comfortable. It felt great. But it got awkward ’cause I bumped into the dude I lost my virginity to. – Oh, shit! – It was weird, as we look the same now. Like, same outfit, same haircut. “What’s up, n i g g a? What the fuck you… What’s good with you, cuz? Fuck you want?” I saw him before he saw me. I was like, “Shit, I sucked his dick.” You know, like, I was… “Oh, my God!” Because, for a dyke, when you see old dicks you sucked, they’re like hauntings, you know? It’s just like, “Remember you used to do this?” Like, “Oh, my God.” “Please don’t come this fuckin’ way.” I was like, “God, I sucked his dick. What’s he gonna do?” He seen me. At first, he was cool. He gave me the “you know you sucked my dick” head nod, kept it moving. He was just like, “You know what you did.” “I know, I know, I know.” Weird, though, weird to be around my girl, trying to be the best man I’m gonna be and then seeing a dick I sucked. I was like, “I don’t like this at all.” Then he said the dumbest thing to me. We’re standing across from each other, he went, “I just need to say this. I just hope I’m not the reason… you’re like this.” Like, n i g g a, what? You think your 15-year-old dick swayed me in any direction? We were fucking kids, man. We could’ve been humpin’ mattresses, you know? Hell, no! Just sometimes, people be gay and don’t know it. It’s possible. I was a whole gay bitch, didn’t know. People knew before me. I came out, some of my old friends was like, “Duh, bitch!” I was like, “Really? Really? You knew this whole time? ‘Cause this whole time, I was for sure thinkin’ I liked dick.” I did. I did! I knew I wasn’t enjoying sex. My homegirls would talk about sex. I was like, “I don’t like it like they like it,” but I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, “I ain’t found the right dick yet.” They’d be like, “When you feel it in your stomach…” I was like, “Ooh, that’s my least favorite part, when you… When it hit the stomach, you know it’s really there. You can’t– I don’t like that at all.” But I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, you know, “Keep suckin’ these dicks. Concentrate. Work harder. Focus on the dicks you’re suckin’. Visualize. You’ll fucking get there.” That’s why representation matters, man. It does. It matters. You need to see yourself in the fuckin’ world. Like, I didn’t realize you could be black and gay and, like, fly and shit. Like, I’m from Boston, bro. We didn’t have black dykes. We didn’t have black dykes. We had white dykes. They drove Subarus and had long armpit hair. And I was like, “No.” I was like, “No, that’s not what I am. I’m not that. I don’t do that. I’m not with that.” We had one black dyke, and that bitch was on crack. And I was like, “If that’s what dyking leads to, that’s not a life for me. I need to focus on these dicks. Concentrate.” “Concentrate and work hard and make somethin’ of myself.” You honestly couldn’t be black and gay outside of Atlanta until 2012. It just didn’t exist anywhere else in the world. So I didn’t know, you know? I was like, “Nah, man, I’m just… into licking these dicks and balls.” Not at all. And then I ate a pussy, and I was like, “bitch!” The world opened the fuck up. I was like, “Oh, this is what everyone said when they said they like it.” I never understood the liking it part. I was like, “Sex is just a job. You don’t like it, you just do it.” And then, fuck it. But, no, you can like it. Like, now I eat pussy, I’m like, “This is it, I’m a winner. Now I’m winning. I feel in control. I know what the fuck I’m doing. This is where I was supposed to be. In the pussy.” Now I’m in love, so I’m only in one pussy, and that’s weird. It’s weird ’cause I know it’s the only pussy I’m gonna be in forever. It’s not always great, right? When you fuck the same person forever, you know, there’s downsides to that. There’s highs and lows. Cause now, we’ve been fucking since, I don’t know, we was 22? I’m 30-something, so it’s like, “I don’t care about this pussy anymore.” Like, I love her, but the pussy, I don’t give a fuck. It could come, it could go, it could not be there. But I’m tryin’ to do it. I am. I’m like, I’m in love. That’s why I bring her everywhere. That’s why we travel and shit. We just went to Europe recently. Three weeks in Europe. Big fuckin’ mistake. Three weeks. Mm-mm-mm. Too long. Shouldn’t have done it. It was fucked up before we even left New York. Before we got out our apartment, it was problematic. It started with the packing. Everything broke down with the fuckin’ packing. Everything was goin’ good. We was packing, she was packing, I was packin’, everything felt respectable. But then she started packin’ a third bag. And that really confused me, ’cause she only has two arms. So I was like, “How you packin’ three bags with two arms, baby girl? You don’t got enough arms for the bags you packin’. What a presumptuous, bold fuckin’ move, to pack bags you don’t got fuckin’ arms for! Who’s supposed to be in charge of these fuckin’ bags? Who’s gonna be the boss, bitch? I don’t understand.” Then we got to an airport and it caused a fight because she forgets I’m not a man, I’m not a fucking man. I’m not. So I don’t have any chivalry. I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck. I am a whole bitch. I have no chivalry in me. Are you crazy? So it’s not like I saw her struggling with the bags and was like, “I can’t let my baby struggle!” “I gotta get these bags!” Fuck, no! I was just like, “Stupid bitch! Bring less bags. Dumb motherfucker. That was dumb as all hell.” “Bringin’ bags you ain’t got enough arms for. Who the fuck does that? You see, I got bags for arms, baby girl. That’s how I goddamn roll. Hell’s wrong with you?” So she’s strugglin’, lookin’ stupid, and I’m just watching like, “Mm-mm-mm,” you know? “Mm.” Then this dude comes and tries to save the day, ’cause that’s what dudes like to do, you know? Especially when men see a masculine woman. That’s their favorite shit. They like to come, like, “I got the real dick.” You know? Filthy fucks. “I got the real– Where you want– Where you need my dick to go? What bag my dick gotta pick up? What you want my dick— You need my dick over here?” “Shut up.” This fucking clown come– “I got the real– I got the real dick.” And he jacks up the bag, and he looks at me, and he’s like, “Now what?” Like, “n i g g a, get mine too! You gettin’ bags, get all the bitches’ bags! The fuck you think? I’m a lady. Carry my shit.” “Be a fuckin’ gentleman.” It doesn’t help that I’m a nervous flier. I’ll say that. I didn’t help. I’m a very nerve-racked flier. I hate fuckin’ flying. I’m thinkin’ about dying the whole time. The entire trip, I’m just like, “I’m fuckin’ dead up here,” you know? I think if you’re not thinkin’ about dying, you’re a psychopath. I don’t know anyone who’s just up there, like, “This is how God intended it.” You know, what the fuck? Clearly, we have no business up there. We’re watchin’ ESPN, we’re drinkin’. Who the fuck do we think we are? So ballsy. Chill out. You know? This is delicate. Then we like to give the illusion of safety. “In case of an emergency.” bitch, we’re dead if there’s an emerg– This motherfucker’s in the exit row with his shoes off, drunk. He’s saving all of us? He’s the guy? He’s the point man? Fuck you! Fuck you! You don’t give a shit about us. I watched you give this man drinks! Maybe don’t serve drinks to the exit row n i g g a s. Of all the n i g g a s! Maybe they have to be sober. You want me to feel safe in the skies… Kiss my ass! I think about death in a weird– I don’t think like how most– I think most people think some regular-ass shit. Right? They think, like, I don’t know, “What if the pilot takes us into a mountain today ’cause he hates his fuckin’ life?” Or, “What if the engine fails?” That’s normal thoughts. I think crazy, crazy shit. I think, like, what if the company that makes the chemical that makes the doo-doo block… Okay, so when you’re on a plane and you shit or you piss, it don’t just go to the birds, baby. Right? You don’t just flush it, it’s in the sky. No, it stays on the fuckin’ plane. Like a camper. And there’s a chemical in there, and it makes a gelatinous mess, and when you land, they suck that shit out, they put a new chemical in for your next flight. I be thinking, what if the doo-doo block company, right, the chemical company… What if they skimp on a chemical? Just on some American greed shit. American companies are trash. They’re always doin’ this type of fuckin’ shit, cuttin’ corners. We know this, cuttin’ corners, doin’ funny shit. What if one of these fuckin’ companies, like, “Know what? We’re not buyin’ boric acid this month. We don’t fuckin’ need boric acid. It’s $30,000 a unit and it really doesn’t do anything.” Then I’m in the sky, I take a shit, the plane’s half a pound heavier, boom, into a mountain. Fuckin’ dead. That’s what the hell goes on in my brain. Shit that can’t be cured with no safety video. You know? Fuck are you– So I’m nervous. I’m on edge. As soon as I get on the plane, I’m on edge, I’m on it. I’m makin’ sure everyone’s phone’s on airplane mode. ‘Cause that’s everybody’s job. I’m just, like, “Look at him. Why this n i g g a on Candy Crush like that? Who’s gonna do somethin’ about that? That’s weird. I don’t like any of this.” Then I sit down, and I notice my girl still fuckin’ around on her phone. She ain’t fuckin’ changed her shit yet. She playin’ games and shit. So I’m like, “Hey, baby, when you gonna do it? The guy said do it. I think you should go ahead and do it.” And she snaps at me ’cause she’s still mad over the bag shit. So she’s like, “You ain’t gotta do it till the plane takes off!” And it’s like, “bitch, you don’t build planes! You don’t. You’re not a plane scientist or no shit like that. You do it when the n i g g a drivin’ the plane says it’s time to do it! That’s the opportune time.” And that caused another fight, ’cause I hit the button on that bitch. I was like, “Bing, get her the fuck outta here. Mm-mm-mm-mm. I’m not goin’ in the sky with this bitch, she actin’ up on the ground. How the fuck we gonna go in the sky? You not followin’ the ground rules, baby girl! That don’t add up.” So then, I’m in my seat and shit, right, and now we fightin’. We tryin’ to whisper-fight like white people. You know, tryin’ to get a good whisper-fight in. We… pss-pss-pss-pss. Pffft! You know? That goofy, goofy stuff. And her main thing is, like, she likes to fuck with me. Like, she likes to, like, say shit to me like she’s reminding me I’m a woman. Like I don’t… I fuckin’ know that, you know? But she likes to– ‘Cause of my outfits and shit. Know what I mean? ‘Cause of how I dress. She’s like… “I’ma break you down, remind you you a whole bitch.” I was like, “bitch, I got a pad in these boxer briefs. I know what’s happenin’. I don’t need this energy from you. Goofy ass.” So we’re sittin’ in the seat, and we’re arguin’, and then she’s like, “What the fuck are you so afraid of, you scaredy bitch? Are you on your period?” And I was like, “Waaaah!” Huh! I got so fuckin’ mad! Balled up my fist real tight like I was about to punch the seat in front of me. Like I was just gonna act, you know? But the last time I did that, we were at the house. I balled my fist up and punched the wall, and then I just hurt my hand real bad. Nothin’ happened. So I was like, “Let me chill.” So I was just like, “Aaah! What to do? Aaaah!” And then I just told the truth. I was like, “I’m afraid to die!” I yelled that on a plane. Just put it out there, you know? Just fuckin’ be honest. But as soon as I said it, I realized it’s not true. I think I needed to hear it out loud. I was like, “That’s not it. I’m not afraid to die. Actually, death is inevitable, I know it’s gonna happen. I’m not afraid to die.” I realized in that moment what I’m afraid of is surviving. I don’t wanna survive a plane crash. I think about bein’ that one asshole floatin’ on a piece of wing… in the middle of the ocean way more than I think about death. Just… On some Life Of Pi shit. “Just live, n i g g a.” No! That’s trash. No! I don’t wanna survive shit. You don’t come out of nothing you survive clean. It don’t matter. If someone says, “I’m a survivor,” they’re fucked up a bit. They ain’t clean. It’s fucked up. I survive a plane crash, now my arm’s lopsided like this forever. Forever, I just gotta be like this when I talk to people. That’s trash. My fingertips don’t work right no more, so I can’t grip shit. I can’t pick nothin’ up, forever. I can’t grip with it, I can’t grab shit. I lose my legs, and now I gotta be the no-legs comic. I gotta roll up here with no legs. “I used to have legs, but they gone. Y’all heard about the crash. Don’t worry about me.” Bullshit! Fuck that. No! Or I float on a deserted island, and then it’s just like, “Fight for your life!” Like, everything’s intact, and it’s just like, “Get it in!” ‘Cause that’s the problem with survival. Survival begs the question, “Do you have the will to live?” And the answer is no. I already know that. I don’t give a fuck about life enough to fight for it, for real. Like, every time I watch Cast Away, I’m like, “n i g g a, just be dead! What the fuck are you doin’? Lay on the beach and let the waves take you, dawg. This is ridiculous!” Walking Dead? Once my phone’s dead, bro, I’m dead. Where am I goin’ without a GPS? I don’t know how to use a compass. I’m not white. White people still… I don’t know. Like, y’all preparin’ for some shit but y’all won’t tell us what it is. Y’all move so weird, man. Y’all actions are weird! Y’all gettin’ ready. And the world’s endin’. Everything’s burnin’, we get it, and y’all preparin’. Just tell us. Tell us what’s happenin’! Stop keepin’ this shit to yourself. They do weird shit. They just get lost in the woods for no– “Let’s just follow the North Star out.” bitch, why? Doing Tough Mudders and shit, just runnin’ through the mud. Just runnin’– Why? But when you think about it, when mudslides hit, them n i g g a s gonna be movin’, doof, doof, doof! N i g g a s, on the other hand, we’re fucked. We prepare for nothin’. We have no plan for the end of the world, and it’s clear it’s happenin’. All we’re gonna do is meet in Atlanta. That’s n i g g a s‘ plan. Just meet in Atlanta. Just gonna be a bunch of n i g g a s in front of a Waffle House, like, “Well, I assumed– I assumed this was the spot, and then… and then we’d talk about what’s next.” “Thought we’d get together first. What I wanna know is, who’s cookin’? Who’s doin’ the cookin’ this whole time?” Jesus! They’re gettin’ ready, for real. Watch these motherfuckers. They move funny! All their actions are in preparedness, but we don’t know for what, right? Like, I was watching Naked And Afraid for the first time last week. Why the fuck are you doin’ that shit, white people? You just wanna know you can live naked and scared? N i g g a, both? Why both? Both together, not even separate? That’s crazy! Bunch of white dudes died climbin’ the Himalayas. What the fuck you goin’ up there for? Everything you need down here! You just wanna know you can sleep with less air? Where the air goin’? N i g g a, the air runnin’ out? We losin’ air? Tell us! Why y’all keepin’ this shit to yourselves? Put everybody on, goddamn. I saw a bunch of white people checkin’ their restin’ heart rate the other day. “Bitch, we about to have to run? Where we going? Bitch, where we going? Why are you just checkin’ that shit? What do y’all know that I don’t know? I don’t like that.” This n i g g a Elon Musk be goin’ to space by hisself. What the fuck is that white man doin’ in space alone? That’s not suspicious to anybody but me? That this motherfucker goes to space without the government, without NASA? Which I didn’t even know you could fuckin’ do! As far as I knew, they were the space n i g g a s. They run space! You wanna fuck with space, you gotta fuck with them. This motherfucker built a spaceship like it’s a go-kart, goes on Tuesdays. bitch, space day is Saturday! Everybody know that! You can’t leave midweek to go to goddamn space! It’s an event. It happens Saturday, the TV’s on. This n i g g a be goin’ Wednesday night. What? From Sacramento, at that. bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral. That’s where you go from. Ain’t no entry point to Mars from fuckin’ Sacramento. And when you’re goin’ to space, you at least tell the people. It’s a PSA. Get on the goddamn news, say, “Hey, people, I’m about to fuck around in space. Don’t be alarmed.” This n i g g a just went. We thought it was aliens. “Is it aliens?” “No, just Elon doin’ donuts in the sky.” What the fuck is this? Whoo! White man ambition is some shit. You wanna know where the racism is? That’s where the fuck it is, white men. I know y’all still confused. Look at him. “What are you talkin’ about?” Fuckin’ confused. ‘Cause they don’t get– Everyone learns the history. So you’re like, “No one’s gettin’ hung, and we ain’t beatin’ nobody. I work next to a black guy, and he has a car, so… equality.” Just lay the fuck down, rest easy, ’cause everything’s fair. Fuckin’ nut job! Everything’s not fair! ‘Cause while you’re sleepin’, you’re dreamin’ about buyin’ Mars, n i g g a! I’ve never thought I could do no shit like that a day in my life. I thought about havin’ all the money. I thought, “If I get all the money, I’m gonna buy them gold ceilings Master P had in Cribs.” “That’s what the fuck I’ma do when I get all the goddamn money.” Space by my goddamn self, bitch? Never! Even if I thought about goin’ to space, I’d call NASA first. “Yo, NASA, this Sam. Can I go? You know what? It is Tuesday. Space day is Saturday.” So we land in London… We land in London, and we decided not to fight anymore, ’cause I think that’s how couples traveling work, right? You get to the place you’re supposed to be, you’re like, “We can fight where we pay rent. Let’s just try to fuckin’ be friends. We’ve never seen any of this shit before. Let’s just try to be cool,” right? So we get to London. “We’re in London, what are we gonna do? Which is new shit for me, ’cause I’m a grown-up, and now I go out in the daytime. I used to be able to travel like this. “Let’s sleep all day and get fucked up all night. I wanna see this city high and drunk,” you know? But now I’m an old bitch, I’m like, “I wanna see architecture. I wanna know how… how they built the buildings.” We get to London, I’m like, “We still got some time, let’s go to a fuckin’ museum.” My girl’s like, “Hell, yeah. Let’s go.” ‘Cause we old bitches, and old bitches like the museum. But we’re not that old, so we took mushrooms first, ’cause, yeah… Fuckin’ turn the museum up. So we take these shrooms… and we’re like, “Let’s get out, let’s do it.” We go to the British Museum. That’s the biggest fuckin’ museum in London, in the city. We go to the British Museum. It’s huge. I was overwhelmed. I was high as shit. I walked in, I was like, “Holy shit.” ‘Cause it was wing after wing after wing of stuff, and it blew my mind ’cause I was like, “Wow, white people stole all this shit!” “Stole so much shit!” “All this shit is stolen. That’s crazy!” It was like, “Wow! They stole everything in this motherfucker!” The audacity! I think that’s the real word to describe white people. It’s not racist. Audacious! The fuckin’ audacity! ‘Cause everyone steals. I’m not saying you’re the only one that steals. Everybody steals. n i g g a s steal, black people steal, but when we steal, we spread the shit out. ‘Cause we’re afraid. We’re like, “They might come at any moment. Try to get back some of this shit. So put some at Joe’s, put some over here…” Not the white man. “Put it all in one building.” “Erect a fortress for it. And, yes, charge them $20 to see it. Their own shit.” “And if one of ’em touches it, shoot ’em.” Jesus! But they got all the culture. Another thing that fucked me up when I was London. I was like, “These motherfuckers got all the culture. We don’t have shit. We’re trash.” We have no culture in America. We think we do. “We’ll go see the Liberty Bell.” That’s garbage. It’s trash. It’s trash. It’s all just young, ignorant– We don’t have good– They have Rembrandts, they got Shake– They got the fucking culture, you know? And as Americans, we just fiend out for their culture. We just be goin’ over there, “Let me get some of your culture. Let me borrow a Rembrandt for two million for one month, ’cause my kids need some art,” you know? They got all the shit. I was with my girl, we went into this one room, we went to the Egypt side. We went into this one room, there was six mummies in one room. Fuckin’ blew my mind. I was like, “Babe, look, six mummies in here.” She got all attitudey. She was like, “Why you actin’ like that? Why you actin’ like you never been nowhere?” She thought I was being one of those people that go to another country and act like it’s so much better than America. Which is annoying, you know? Go somewhere, people are like, “Flowers in America don’t look like this.” Like, shut the fuck up. That’s irritating. She thought I was doing that. She was like, “What’s the big deal? You seen a mummy before.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch, one! I ain’t never seen six together in one room!” That’s how they do us in America, ’cause we borrowin’ the culture. In America, we get one mummy. Every three summers! And we work that n i g g a like Joe Jackson worked the Jackson 5. “Listen up, Mummy! Tomorrow, Memphis. Schenectady! Take your ass down to Ohio.” We left the museum. We was like, “Let’s get a cab.” I was like, “Fuck it, let’s Uber. Let’s see what the London Uber shit is like.” Like it was gonna be less rapey or somethin’. Like, “Maybe it’s not as rapey, or maybe it’s rapey with, like, a tip of the hat or somethin’.” Just somethin’ different, you know? So we get an Uber, and I– I will say this– I didn’t like, also, being overseas… ‘Cause… I just feel like people are ballsy now ’cause of who the president is, how, like, our country is, like, so people feel like they can just talk shit to you, you know? You go to a foreign country, people are like, “Huh,” you know? Think they can take fucking shots ’cause they think our country’s in despair. So I get in the Uber, and as soon as he hears my accent, the motherfucker goes off. He’s like, “Ugh, America, ugh, eurgh… Eurgh! Trump! Bleurgh! When are you guys gonna do–” Like, n i g g a, Theresa May, Hitler. Suck my dick. Yeah! Like you don’t have your fuckin’ problems. Lick my balls. Get out of here. I don’t get defensive. I think a lot of people get fuckin’ defensive, you know? Especially liberals. Liberals like to defend America. “Don’t judge us by the president. We are such a better country than the president.” No the fuck we’re not! If we were, he wouldn’t be the fucking president. That’s not how shit works. We’re better than Trump? We’re a country of Golden Corral buffets. Who the fuck do be think we are? Trash! We’re trash. Troughs of macaroni, 9.99 prime rib. That’s our shit. Garbage shit. Dollar burgers from fast-food restaurants, then we complain when them shits gives us cancer. “Hey! This 99-cent meat almost killed me!” Duh, bitch! How the fuck you think you get 99-cent meat? You stretch it out with a little bit of cancer! There’s only one way to make this shit! How else do you think we achieve this fuckin’ goal? You… dummy. Plus, I don’t know… Trump’s our first n i g g a president. That’s gotta matter. In the history and shit. I’m talking about history-wise. I’m not talkin’ about right now. I’m talking about when we look back at the world. “Oh, we in the history books.” Pfft, pfft. We’re gonna see Barack. We’ll be like, “Oh, good black man.” There’s Trump, a whole n i g g a. First time we ever had a n i g g a in the White House, and the first n i g g a is white. That gotta mean somethin’. He ain’t ever been a president. That’s why Democrats can’t beat him. They know how to deal with presidents. Not how to deal with n i g g a s. This is all back-of-the-bus energy. They don’t know what the fuck to do with that. Every decision is a n i g g a decision. He ain’t never been presidential. He just let 11 of his friends outta jail for no reason. Everything y’all thought the black one was gonna do. If you white and voted for him, everything you thought the black– He was just like, “Let ’em out.” “Why?” “‘Cause I like ’em. They my friends. Let ’em out.” He killed an Iranian general. He killed a general of another country that we have consistently had problems with. Killed this man, and first of all, I didn’t even know we was mad at them at the moment. Had no idea. That’s how you know that was some personal n i g g a shit. That was beef. He was like, “If you see the n i g g a slidin’, hit my jack. I don’t like that motherfucker.” “You catch him dipping, hit my jack, hit my jack. I got somethin’ for his ass.” Confused Iran so much, they put 80 mil on his head. They didn’t know what to do. That’s not how diplomat– Just, “80 mil on the n i g g a head.” Like it was a WorldStar beef. “Put 80 mil on his head, 20 mil for the chain.” I don’t what’s happenin’ in the world anymore. And when a president makes a move like that, the president kills the leader of another country, the president gets on the news. Matter of fact, every channel becomes the fucking news. You turn on any channel, it’s the president, from the Oval, and he’s like, “Hey, man, some heinous shit went down. But I’m the president, and I had to protect y’all. And I do what’s right, and I stand for what’s right, so you don’t ever have to worry about it ’cause I got your back. President out. America’s the best.” That’s what the president does. A n i g g a gets on Twitter… …tweets the American flag like it’s a Crip bandana… and is like, “What’s cracking? I don’t like the n i g g a. What are you… Who’s confused?” From the top of his presidency, he’s been on this shit. Very early, we brought him a serious prob– We’re like, “Hey, Mr. President, kids are bringing guns to schools. They’re shootin’ up schools. What do we do?” He was like, “Get the teachers guns, then. n i g g a s bustin’ at you, bust back. That’s what– that’s what I always say. That’s how you handle shit in the projects.” Plus, I don’t know, me and my girl’s dynamic is all fucked up, still. Like, we gotta work out all our shit. Like, right now, we not celebratin’ holidays. We canceled all the holidays. I don’t fuck with none of them. Valentine’s Day, Christmas… Only thing we do is birthdays. I don’t do shit else. She thinks I’m being mean. I’m like, “No, we’ll celebrate the holidays again when you get a job.” Right now, she’s not workin’, right? And when I met my girl, she all the– Like, It’s not like my girl don’t get her shit off, but right now, she just in a transition, she not working. And when I met her, I didn’t make any money. I was broke. She made a lot of money. But now, it’s the opposite. I make a lotta, lotta money and she makes, like, zero money. So, no, we not doin’ holidays. What the fuck am I gonna do a holiday with you for? It’s not fair. It’s not equal. We’re not having equal transactions, like two adults should. Right? It’s not like I buy her a Louis bag, she buys me some Gucci shoes. Holiday? No. I buy her a Louis bag and then she gives me a coupon for a back rub like she’s seven fucking years old. I gotta look in her eyes, act like this is a respectable fucking gift ’cause she’s put me on the spot! “This is from my heart, and I mean it.” “bitch, I don’t want a back rub from you! You don’t even know how to back rub right!” So, no. No holidays. I don’t want to bring a kid into this. Now I gotta pay for her, pay for you, do all this shit, protect you both ’cause she thinks that too, ’cause she’s crazy. You know, I get that I’m wearin’ the outfit, but, n i g g a, I can’t fight. Chill! These fuckin’ underwears don’t give me superpowers, honey. The other day, I was in the shower, she went to the store and she didn’t lock the fuckin’ door. That’s how I know she thinks I can handle everything. That’s crazy… to leave a woman in the shower, titties soaped up. Get what I’m saying? I’m in the shower, my titties are soapy. I got soapy titties in this shower. And my shit‘s perky. They sit… I pop these shits out the bra, they only go to here. They good. These is good titties. Not a lot of wear and tear ’cause I don’t take a lot of dick, so they not bouncin’ around. Solid titties. You understand what I’m sayin’? Up here. On point. So I get out the shower, I check the door, the shit is unlocked. I was livid! Livid. I was like, “Yo, that’s fucked up. How dare you don’t lock the door.” She was like, “How did you even know it was unlocked?” Like, “bitch, ’cause I’m a bitch, and I checked. I’m petty, bitch. What are you talkin’ about? The first thing I did, hit that lock, see what you was on. And figured out you on bullshit!” She was like, “I don’t get the big deal.” I was like, “The big deal is whenever you’re in the house and I leave the house, I lock up the house, ’cause that’s the rules of pussy. Pussy in the house, lock it up. Everybody know that. Everyone’s been taught that. Pussy inside, lock the pussy inside. You don’t leave it loose, willy-nilly, for anything to fuckin’ happen!” She left me ass-naked in the shower as if the rapist was gonna come in and be like, “Nah, she got a fade. I ain’t gonna do it.” “What I don’t do is take fade pussy. That’s off the menu. I take all types of ass, but not the one that’s faded.” Jesus Christ! The other night, we were in bed, we both heard somethin’. I said, “Babe, did you hear that?” She’s like, “Yeah, go check.” “bitch, why me? If there’s a whole n i g g a in here, we both need to go check. It’s gonna take two of us to get him the fuck outta here. What are you talkin’ about? We both might end up suckin’ this dude’s dick at the end of the day. And, bitch, you’re on the balls, ’cause I pay the rent.” “I’m not suckin’ balls and payin’ rent, baby girl. I’m all tip then shaft. Them balls are yours.” Oh, shit! Then we gotta have that goofy shit over cereal. “We did what we had to do. Let’s not talk about the shit.” “But, babe, you was really suckin’ them balls.” Goin’ down! Whew! Plus, I don’t know, fucking kids suck nowadays, you know? I don’t wanna bring a kid into this– Every kid now, they’re shitty. They’re all too smart. Shut up. They’ve all got all these wild fuckin’ opinions about the world, know who they are at two and shit. I don’t want– I don’t got the energy for that. I want a dumbass kid. I want a ’90s baby. Put some fucking play dough in your ear and just stare at the TV. Don’t want an astute fucking– I do want a weird one. I do want a little weird one, though. I did think that. I want a little Jaden Smith. I want a little weird fucker. I do. I just want a kid, I don’t know what he’s on. Like, one day, he’s a ninja, the next day, he’s gay. The next day, he’s into polygamy. I’m like, “Yeah, fuck that, do it all!” I want a little– Mm! I hate when black people don’t fuck with Jaden Smith. I love what… I see that as progress. I’m like, “It’s so great.” Like, when– Especially hyper-masculine dudes, “What they doin’ to that kid? They raisin’ that kid all weird!” It’s like, “Yeah, that’s dope! We need a weird one. Finally, we got a weird black kid. That’s amazing.” Like, every time I see Jaden Smith, I feel like one of those slaves in Django when he rode by on that horse. I’m like, “Look at this magical n i g g a! Just doin’ whatever he wants.” This motherfucker is dressed like Batman with no shoes on, singin’ about the stars, kissin’ white women in the mouth. That’s Martin Luther King’s dream! Let’s celebrate that shit. That’s amazing. I want a little weird one. I just don’t want one of these super-smart ones that knows everything. Like, I don’t want a little Greta Thunberg baby. I don’t. I hate that little bitch. I hate that little fuckin’ girl, and I hate that you can’t say you hate the little fuckin’ girl ’cause she autistic or whatever. That’s so stupid. That’s so stupid. I don’t hate the girl ’cause she’s autistic. I’m not a fuckin’ savage. I hate her ’cause she annoying, and those are separate things. You can be autistic and annoying, bitch. I know plenty of autistic n i g g a s not annoying. They know a lot about Star Wars, they got facts I didn’t have. It’s dope. This little bitch? Ugh, shut up. Like, her parents gotta be exhausted. Like, “Okay, bitch, we get it. Okay. Okay. Okay!” I hate her attitude. I get the message, it’s the way she’s presentin’ it that’s fuckin’ trash. People wanna accept that and be real about that. It’s like, tell the truth. Her presentation sucks. Right? I would fuck with her more if her attitude was this. “Everybody’s fucked up. We all messed up the planet. And we all need to come together to fix this, ’cause we all did bad.” But her message is, “Adults, you fucked up. Adults, you left me a bad planet. Adults, you did wrong.” bitch, the shit was fucked up for me too! What the fuck are you talkin’ about? I didn’t walk onto a pristine Earth, bitch! This shit been bad– Matter of fact, when I was a kid, they told me California was gonna be gone by now, bitch. Be glad that shit‘s still here, motherfucker. Dummy. They’ve never given a fuck about the future. No one cares about the future. People care about their kids. That’s it. When I was seven, I went to Disney World on a plane full of cigarette smoke. Coughed the whole way. All they did was offer me Sprite. “You want some Sprite, little n i g g a?” “Clear that cough up, or whatever you got goin’ on.” Supposed to care about this bitch. Shut up! A lot of shit goin’ on. It would be weird to bring kids– There’s a lot of shit. I might have a kid, she’s three, and she knows she’s trans. I’m not ready for that. I don’t have the energy to talk to a trans three-year-old. Like, “bitch, I don’t know. What? What are you saying? I don’t know. Just color with the other color, then, bitch. Go away.” “Just use blue, then. I don’t fucking care!” I don’t wanna be stressed about this shit. I’m not gonna act like I have the answers. I think that’s the problem. We act like we have all the answers. It’s like, no, you can be confused. I think sometimes, people– Even I have this, as a queer person. I sometimes take people’s confusion as an attack. It’s like, no, they just don’t fuckin’ know. I think also, sometimes, people be confused and be attacking. You know what I mean? You’re so confused until, like, “It ain’t right!” Both of those things are wrong, and somewhere in the middle is the right answer, which is no one knows what the fuck they’re talkin’ about. There’s a bunch of gray, and we don’t have all the answers yet, ’cause the world is moving faster than fucking what we’re ready to think about. And it’s okay to be uncomfortable, it’s okay to be confused. It’s not okay to say people shouldn’t have the same rights as you. That’s what’s not okay. But you can– You can be all the other shit, ’cause that’s fucking human. Confusion is fucking reasonable. There’ll be a lot of things we don’t get and a lot of questions we’re gonna have. My homey called me the other day, and he was like, “Hey, n i g g a, I got a question, and you should know the answer ’cause you gay.” That kinda charged me up, I’m not gonna lie. I was like, “What? I’m the gayest n i g g a you know. What the fuck is the question? I got all the gay facts, n i g g a. What?” And he was like, “What do you do when you see a trans bitch beatin’ up a regular bitch?” And I was like, “Mmm? That, I don’t know. No, I don’t have an answer for that.” I know some of y’all are gettin’ tight. I feel it. Y’all gettin’ tight, like, “What does she mean, regular…” First of all, he’s not gay, he just did it the best he could, you know? He called everyone bitches, so it was universal. Chill out. But we really don’t have the answer to that. That’s somethin’ I didn’t think about till he presented it. What are we gonna do when trans bitches start beatin’ up regular bitches? As a regular bitch, I’m a tad bit concerned. Not gonna lie. I don’t wanna be in a fight with one of these motherfuckers. “Let them fight!” “No, get this n i g g a off me.” “This motherfucker is strong in ways I did not expect. Please help.” I’m not sayin’ trans women aren’t women. I’m not one of those corny-ass– Trans women are women, shut the fuck up, but when one of those women’s hands is big enough to palm a football… and she’s cavin’ the other woman’s chest in, we gotta make some notes… maybe figure out a new approach, how we’re gonna work this shit out, to move on as a goddamn society. I hate women that don’t embrace trans women. That’s corny. “They’re not real women.” Shut up! They’re real women. They’re contourin’, waxin’ all the shit. They’re doin’ everything you do, goofy. Pluckin’ their chin hairs, you dumbass. Plus, what are you talkin’ about? Women who don’t embrace trans women, what are you saying? Who do you think we are? We need these super bitches. Are you stupid? These are our X-Men. The world is about to change for us. Get fuckin’ excited. This is a goddamn blessing. What are you sayin’? Lombardi Trophy, here we come! We ’bout to be NFL champions, baby! With these trans bitches on our team, it’s gonna be lit! You thought we was gonna get to a NFL championship without these bitches, you’re stupid! Fuck, no, we wasn’t. I was arguing with this lady. She was like, “We could do it… regular cisgendered women… she could…” Fuck you! No, they couldn’t. No, they couldn’t. Let’s say, miraculously, we had some cisgender woman who gets all the way to the NFL. She’s never fucking been touched all her career, right? She’s some flat-chested phenom. That’s what she’d have to be to cut through the wind so no one could get her, she couldn’t have no titties. She’s flat-chested, and she just… bam, bam, bam, bam! Her whole career, wham! “Oh, my God, they can’t touch her!” Bam! Why? ‘Cause she aerodynamic ’cause the titties gone. Wham! Let’s say this happens in the fucking world. She’s gonna get to the NFL, she’s gonna get tackled once, and the bitch is gonna die. Dead. We need a trans bitch, high-steppin’, face-maskin’. Gettin’ the fuck in. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see it. She gonna be in her Fashion Nova dress, holdin’ the trophy over… “Aaaaah!” Lit. bitch lit. Triple D titties ’cause she’s trans and confident. Titties out to here. You, ma’am, say you out– say you out for a night on the town with all your friends. One of your friends is a trans woman. You have the night of your life. Everyone’s pussy‘s sweaty when you leave the club. One of those nights. Everyone pussy sweat. Pussy sweat all around. You’ve sweated your pussies out dancing. You’re like, “This was the night.” You’re standin’ in front of the club, some gross-ass dude comes up. He’s like, “Ooh, look at you sexy bitches. I love every single one of you. I would love to put my dick on every single one of you sexy bitches’ butts.” And you’re like, “What? How dare you talk to us like that? You dirty, nasty man. Don’t you ever say anything like that to us again.” He’s like, “What? You’re just a woman. I could break your neck.” And then that bitch come from the back, Boof! “What the fuck you say?” Lay that n i g g a out. He’s all confused. “I felt dick in that punch. I didn’t see no dicks, but I’ve been hit by a dick before.” Whoo! There’s also just too much to explain to a fucking kid. I’m gonna have to raise my kid post-Me-Too. I gotta… walk ’em down this dumbass path, you know? I gotta be like, “This is what happened, and it was crazy, but then white women went stupid.” You know? I was all– I was Me Too-ed up. I was like, “Get these nasty n i g g a s. Get ’em off the streets. They got their dicks on everybody. Get ’em outta here. I don’t like none of that. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here.” And then white women went crazy. I feel like it just stopped bein’ about, like, what was real. You know, like, there’s a part– there’s a two-level conversation. Yes. All these dudes in power were using their power to manipulate situations and be terrible to women, a hundred percent. But in all those situations, women had a choice. If we never speak to that choice, we are disempowering women. The most empowering thing is to know even in the dire straits, you have a choice. You can always choose, and sometimes choosing to say “Fuck you” – is the most illest choice you can make. – Yo! And if we don’t pass that down to young women, then what the fuck are we saying? It’s weird. So I had to stop– I was like, “I can’t be a part of this shit. This is goofy.” I was done with it when it landed on Aziz Ansari. That’s when I was really like, “Fuck this.” When it got to Aziz, I said, “I can’t do this anymore. Really?” And it’s not ’cause I’m defendin’ Aziz. I wasn’t there. I’m not sayin’ he did or didn’t. That has nothin’ to do with it. There’s not a woman in here who doesn’t think she could beat that n i g g a‘s ass. That’s what I’m sayin’. That was goofy to me. The end of that blog should’ve been, “Then I punched that dumb n i g g a in the face… and left his goddamn apartment.” You ain’t even got to punch Aziz. Just buck at that n i g g a. “Ugh, get the fuck out of here. Goofy!” We gotta teach girls to fight. I’m not taking a L off a 5′5″ Indian n i g g a. 5′5″ Indian n i g g a s, swing at them! I’m not saying Indian n i g g a s are soft, but I ain’t never heard this statement. “That Indian n i g g a beat my ass.” I ain’t never heard that. So, I’ma take my goddamn chances. I feel the same way about feminism. It’s like, ugh! I wanna say I’m a feminist, but white women… Yeah! Whoo! Y’all make it so hard to get along with shit! ‘Cause white women act like they’re– like it’s a brand of feminism, and it’s theirs and that’s the most dominant. They act like they’re about all women, but you’re not. You’re only about white women. And that’s fine. You can’t be about all women, you haven’t taken the time to figure out all women need. You just know your white women needs and assume if we fix your shit, it’ll trickle down. It’s like, no, bitch! And I’m not mad at white women being agenda-driven. Be about your shit. Be about your shit. But don’t mask it as a cause. Just be real. Be like a Jehovah’s Witness. Come knockin’ on my door on a Sunday, like, “Are you ready for white women’s return?” “Well, I got somethin’ you should read.” Whoo! Plus, if you want me to get behind feminism, start with somethin’ that’s gonna galvanize women. Start with somethin’ that’s really gonna change some shit. Start with teachin’ women how to pee standin’ up. – How come we not doin’ that shit yet? – Whoo! It’s 2020! How come we still peein’ hobbled over like dogs and toddlers and shit? Fuckin’ grown women! We should be peeing upright like men. Know what? We can do it. And you know how I know? I fuckin’ did it. I got tired of this shit one day. I stood over the toilet, I spread my pussy lips, I perked my hole up, and that bitch went straight. And I was like, “Holy shit!” “I could’ve been doin’ this the whole fuckin’ time?” – Whoo! – “How did I not know this shit?” I’ll tell you why I didn’t know. ‘Cause of how women are taught to pee. How we’re taught to pee is fucked up. It’s trash. Especially in public. You know how we’re taught to pee? “Pull the pussy out! Put it away! Get out the bathroom, the rapist is coming. Move, move, move! You ain’t got time to hang out in here, bitch. Go!” Meanwhile, as soon as dudes see their dicks, they’re stretchin’ ’em, wrappin’ ’em around they leg, puttin’ them in they butt, seein’ how far they snap back, figurin’ shit out. There’s a grown woman in here. Grown as fuck, 35-plus, and every time she pee in public, a little pee go down her leg, and into her shoe. Grown! She just laughed back there. Grown! Piss in her shoe. Every time. Confused. “Why does this keep happenin’?” I’ll tell you why, goofy. ‘Cause you walk around all day, shit is movin’ around down there. You’re too scared to touch anything, you whip it out and piss, and now you got piss in your right shoe, you clown! Meanwhile, dudes have been standin’ upright for centuries, spellin’ their names in the snow! And you’re walkin’ around with piss in your shoe, and you want equal fuckin’ pay. Shut up! Even when you go into the men’s bathroom, it’s different, bro. They free in there. I go in there sometimes. I get away with it. They free in that motherfucker. They don’t care. They got little games in the urinal, they be peein’ on ice and shit, movin’ it around. Fuckin’ around. Dicks out, talkin’ wage gap, changin’ the world. Even the stall where they shit, sometimes, it don’t have a door. There’s no door on the stall. Why? Because they free. They’re like, “Shit happens back here, and if you don’t wanna see shit, don’t be in this goddamn corner. I don’t need a door. Just don’t come back here if you don’t wanna look at nobody shittin’, you fool.” Meanwhile, in women’s bathrooms, we’re hobbled in closets, you know what I mean? Can’t even move around. I got tired of this shit one day. I cracked the door. I said, “I’m not takin’ this shit anymore. It’s too tight in here. I’m peeing with the door cracked. I can’t take it.” And then this woman walked in, she swung the door open. ‘Cause of course, she assumed the stall was free. That was natural. What was unnatural is she saw me, she screamed, as if we both don’t have pussies and we both don’t know what goes on in the bathroom, and she tried to jam the door closed. But I held that bitch open. I said, “Mm-mm, baby girl. Don’t do that. Make eye contact with me. This is the revolution right here.” My girl talked about kids a lot… while we was traveling. That was pissing me off. ‘Cause we was just travelin’, being free lesbians. We was just bumpin’ pussies. You know? Just bumpin’ pussies, not worried about none of the rules. She kept bringin’ this fucking corny heteronormative shit into my life. “Don’t you want kids? Kids? Wouldn’t this be so much better if we were experiencing this with kids?” “bitch, no! No, it wouldn’t be better. I don’t want fucking kids. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t know, maybe I’ll do it, but not…” Mm! Mm, I got a lot of nephews. I’m all right. You know? I don’t fucking… Plus, when I do have a kid, I’ma buy a Asian baby. I already have a plan. I’m buyin’ a dope-ass Asian baby. I already know what I’m doin’. Give this motherfucker a Mohawk. Take him dippin’ and trippin’, you know? ‘Cause, like, kids cost money when you a fuckin’ gay person. When somethin’ costs money, you know what costs the most, and I need to stunt. I need to pull up with my Asian baby, hop out in that foreign– “What up, n i g g a? Look at this.” Take him to the park, shit on my frenemies, you know what I mean? I can’t wait. I can’t wait to wheel this little n i g g a round the park. “Oh, hey, Karen, you adopted, too? Where’s your baby from? Honduras? Broke bitch! Get that broke-bitch baby outta here, Karen. This motherfucker right here? He’s from Thailand. Matter of fact, he might be a she. Take three months to figure that out, bitch.” A fucking kid… Maybe I’ll do it. I don’t know. I probably will, ’cause she wants one, and who cares, right? Eventually, “Just fuckin’ fine. Have one. Whatever.” Plus, I don’t know, you need ’em. They represent you when… You know. You make ’em so they can be like, “That n i g g a was here.” You know? You die, you hope your kid’s still alive to be like, “They were a person.” You know, just represent you. I will do– I don’t know. I just think I’ma be bad at the shit, you know? Nobody’s good. Every parent sucks. If you’re out here and you’re parenting, you’re trash. No one does it right. Everyone fucks their kids up. Everyone makes a fucked-up, fucked-up kid. Everyone’s doin’ a little bit to fuckin’ damage the child. ‘Cause you were damaged, so how could you not, how could you not pass on the damage that was given to you? It’s just impossible. But you just keep enough of it. Like, “I could really fuck you up, but I’m only fucking you up a little, ’cause… there’s a lot that could go wrong, ’cause I’m really fucked up.” And you cough what you can, but everybody’s doin’ a shitty job. Everybody. The only way you know you’re doing an all right job is if your kids never tell you you were shitty, ’cause then they loved you, and you raised compassionate kids. If your kids are never like, “Hey, you fucked me up,” but just like, “You did a great job,” then you just raised good kids, ’cause they don’t wanna tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. If you got a kid who’s 40, still like, “I fuckin’ hate you!” you did a terrible job. That, and if you lose one of them n i g g a s, then– then you really failed. I think about that all the time. I don’t wanna be one of the ones that lose one of them n i g g a s, ’cause people be losin’ their kids… You lose one at a store, bitch, you suck. Shit! But I know I’ll be bad. I’ma be bad, ’cause no one– no one does this shit right. Everyone fucks it up a tad. No one trusts their parents. No one in here fully, a hundred percent trusted their parents, ’cause you seen your parents do fucked-up shit. You’ve heard ’em have fucked-up arguments, you know? You’ve seen their lives be in shambles when they thought they were keeping you from their lives being in shambles. They were trying to have those late-night conversations, which is, for a kid, like 10:30 at night. That’s when parents think it’s time to talk for real. ‘Cause they’re dumb. It’s like, no one’s asleep at 10:30, you idiot. You’re not asleep at 10:30. Everyone’s wide awake. They’re like, “Now’s the time to talk about it. Get down to the bottom of shit.” Everyone’s heard their parents yellin’ about some bullshit, like a $99 cable bill. “How are we gonna pay this?” “Your mother sucks!” “What is my house? I can’t trust anyone in this motherfucker.” ‘Cause parents like to present it like they got everything together. That’s the problem. Don’t lie. Stop coming like you got everything– You’re not good. Most of you start, 30 when you start. I’m 38. If I had a kid at 30, that n i g g a would be dead. You don’t know what you’re doin’. Be honest. “Hey, I don’t know what I’m doin’, but I’ma try to keep you alive. Sometimes, I’m not gonna be able to, so look out for yourself, little n i g g a. And let’s– let’s rock out.” “Let’s see if we make it.” Whoo! But, no, parents, “I got everything under control.” Fuck you. No, you don’t. I remember I heard my mom and my dad tryin’ to have a fight about my dad usin’ crack. And my dad… My dad… My mom was tryin’ to whisper, you know? She was tryin’ to have a whisper-fight with the n i g g a, but you can’t whisper to a crackhead. They’re loud as fuck. So, my mom’s whisperin’, and then my dad goes, “Who seen me do the crack?” Which means, n i g g a here did it. Now you’re just tryin’ to identify witnesses. Are they credible? Are they not credible? But you fucking did it! Now I’ma tell my mom about a problem? bitch, there’s whole crack in the house. We got bigger issues! Stranger Things is a whole show about kids not trusting their parents. Like, if a Demogorgon’s after you, tell your mom! These little n i g g a s is like, “All I got is these walkie-talkies and these bikes. They’re my best friends. ‘Cause that bitch can’t handle shit.” I remember when I was 11, I thought I was gonna be abducted by aliens. I did. I was convinced, you know? I was like, “Aliens are comin’ to get my ass.” And it’s because, when I was 11, I grew up in the ’90s. If you grew up in the ’90s, you know aliens was a big thing. It was huge. It was big shit. It was. There was Outer Limits, there was X-Files, there was Unsolved Mysteries, and then every once in a while, the History Channel would just be like, “Did they build the pyramids?” And just fuck your head up on a Wednesday night. Just throw a whole curveball at your ass. “What? They could’ve built the pyramids?” “Crop circles. Were they here?” “Oh, my God!” So I was fuckin’ stressed out. And I got in the shower one day, and I felt my leg pulsate a little bit. I was like, “That’s the tracker. That’s where them n i g g a s is gon’– That’s how they’re gonna get your girl.” So I started doin’ karate in my room at night. “Yah! Aah! “Waah!” Watchin’ Last Dragon and shit. “Eeh! Eeh! Ugh!” Started sleepin’ with a knife and a hammer under my pillow. Every night, sleeping with a knife and hammer under my pillow, ready for the action, you know? I was like, “When they come, stab ’em, bash ’em, stab ’em, bash ’em.” Then, one day, I go in my room. My mom’s sittin’ on my bed. She’s like, “We need to talk.” I’m like, “What’s up?” And she’s like, “Who’s hurtin’ you?” I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Tell me right now. Who’s coming in here at night and doin’ something to you?” I was like, “What are you talkin’ about?” She’s like, “Look at me. I don’t care if it’s your father, I don’t care if it’s one of your brothers. You need to tell me right now, who’s doing something to you?” Which, what a mom, bro. Word! ‘Cause my mother showed me, “I got your back, no matter fuckin’ what.” Like, what a big move. ‘Cause what if it was one of my brothers or my father? That’s a crazy thing to have to hear as a mother, but she was ready to take that shit for me. She was like, “Tell me.” And I looked my mom in the eye, and I told her how I was gonna be abducted by aliens. Because I’m a genius. And you could see in her eyes that a part of her wished I was bein’ molested. ‘Cause that would’ve been easier to process. And if you don’t think that fucked me up a little bit… Hey, y’all were dope as fuck. Have a good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS (2020) – TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rob-schneider-asian-momma-mexican-kids-transcript/

[Rob Schneider] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Rob Schneider. [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering, clapping] Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake! You can do it! How are you? [chuckles] You know what I realized recently? I’m at the age now… It’s not that I’m less interested in sex, but I’m as interested in cookies. [audience laughing] You know what I mean? You know what I mean? “What kind of cookies are those? Could you move your tits? You’re blocking the cookies. Yeah. Cookie underneath that tit. That cookie. Two of those. Thank you very much. Thank you.” [audience laughing] People in their 20s, 30s, they don’t get it yet. People in their 20s, 30s are like, [in hype voice] “Let’s get fucked up! You wanna get fucked up? Yeah, let’s get fucked up!” No, I don’t want to get fucked up. I don’t. No. It’s not fun. I’m in my fifties. I only feel good, like, two days a month. [audience laughing] Why would I want to fuck up one of those? [audience laughing] If I want to get fucked up at my age, I’ll eat some cheese, you know? [audience roars with laughter] [moans] [groans] What kind of cheese was that? Camembert with truffle flakes? All right, it was worth it, but fuck. I’m fucked up now. [audience laughing] My wife, for Christmas, got me a gym membership. “Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you.” [audience laughing] And I went over there, and, uh, I saw these old guys. They were working out, and, uh, they were ripped. But it looks weird, you know. So, I don’t wanna get ripped. I just don’t want to look like a complete piece of shit, you know. That’s the goal. Give me that personal trainer, the “not complete piece of shit” personal trainer. So, I’m looking at these old guys, and they’re ripped, you know. But it looked weird. Something was off. I was like, “Is it the ripped thing?” Then I figured it out. You’re not supposed to be ripped when you’re old, ’cause your skin gets stretched too thin. It’s like, “Look how ripped I am!” Yeah, but I can see your heart. [audience roars with laughter] Put on a shirt. You’re grossing me out. But, um… my favorite part of being married is my wife deciding what I don’t need anymore. [in Mexican accent] “This doesn’t fit. This looks like shit. Can’t wear this.” She’s not Mexican. It’s just more fun to do that voice. [chuckles] It’s more fun. She could be Mexican. I’m not sure. I just… I have my suspicions. I’m not 100% sure. “You don’t wear this anymore. This doesn’t fit anymore.” My wife threw away all my sweatpants. Threw it away. I said, “Why’d you throw away my sweatpants?” [in Mexican accent] “Because sweatpants, they lie to you! They are liars, the sweatpants. You don’t know how fat you’re getting. You don’t know till one day, both the strings just disappear. [audience laughing] Then you are a fat fuck! Then it’s too late! I throw them away!” [chuckling] She’s right, though. Let me tell you. If you’re in your 50s, and you’re a guy, it’s dangerous, wearing sweatpants. It is. It’s dangerous. ‘Cause it’s way too easy to just whip out your dick. [audience laughing] [chuckles] I found myself whipping out my dick. I wasn’t even halfway to the bathroom. Like… [audience laughing] And then I get distracted by something, like… [audience laughing] Then I hear my wife yelling, “What are you doing with your dick out? You’re not even in the bathroom yet!” I was like, “Hey, I didn’t even realize the Olive Garden had a salad bar. [audience laughing] They’ve got a…” [chuckles] But I have my own problems. I have a three-year-old ’cause I’m a fucking idiot. [audience laughing] [sighs] [smacks lips] Did not think that one through. I didn’t. I thought it in. I didn’t think it… [audience laughing] I didn’t think it through. She’s super cute. We also have a, uh, seven-year-old, my wife and I, and… She’s a little tough on the [stammers] seven-year-old when she had to go through potty training. She was tough. Very… She said, [in Mexican accent] “We’re going to hold her legs down on the toilet. We’ll close the door, then she won’t be able to get out. She’ll know this is the potty. One day of screaming. We’ll hold her little legs there. Put on your earplugs, whatever the fuck you need to do. We’re screaming.” And it was awful, but she was right. It was one day, you know. But I said, “You know, for the new baby, for the accident, let’s not… [audience laughing] Let’s let the accident decide when she’s ready. Maybe a little less cruel this time. Maybe? Huh?” [chuckles] So we let her decide when it was ready. And, uh… she’s three years old, and, uh… she hasn’t decided she’s ready. She hasn’t. She said to me the other day, “Papi, cámbiame por favor.” I was like, “¿Qué? What?” “Papi, change me, please, Daddy.” I was like, “Well, Madeleine, if you’re smart enough to tell me in two different fucking languages… Um… [chuckles] [audience laughing] You’re smart enough to hop your little culo up on that toilet right there, do your business up there. Okay? All right? You know, uh, your diapers are a size seis, seis. Yeah. They don’t make siete. They don’t. You know why? You’re supposed to have this shit figured out by now. Yeah. Un-huh. They don’t make ’em bigger. Don’t know what what to tell you. You don’t figure this out, you’re gonna have to borrow one from Grandma. That’s all I have for you.” You know. [audience clapping] Now, my wife loves our kids, and, uh… so she doesn’t let me be in charge of too many things. [chuckles] So, some things, though, by default, um, come to me to make a decision. Okay, so I happen to sleep on the side of the bed right next to the door. And so, like, when my seven-year-old, she wants to come and sleep with us, I have to decide whether she really needs to sleep with us. ‘Cause she comes, you know, to stay. She’s got, like, her little pillow, her rabbit. She’s not coming to say, “Hi. How are you? I thought I’d bring everything. Muah. Go back to bed.” No, she’s there for the whole night! So she comes over, and I look at her, and I go, “What’s up?” She goes, “I need to come sleep with you.” [audience laughing] “Like, um… why? You have your own bed. Why?” “Uh… Had nightmare. So, excuse me. I need to get in. [audience laughing] I need to get in there.” “Okay, no, no. I need more information. Tell me about this nightmare.” “Dinosaurs. [audience laughing] Excuse me, I need to be in there.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dinosaurs what?” “Chasing me. Chasing me.” [audience laughing] “Okay, dinosaurs chasing you. Okay. Okay. Um, not scary enough. Go back to bed now. Come on. Come on.” [audience laughing] It’s not scary enough. They’re not eating your face! Not scary enough to screw up my whole night’s sleep. That’s what it does, screws up my night’s sleep. She doesn’t sleep like an angel, like I do, like this. [hums] She sprawls out. She’s like… I don’t need that shit. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Now, I have allergies, which means, six o’clock in the morning, I sneeze about 20 times. If I didn’t have a downstairs, I’d be divorced for sure, for sure. This is my third marriage. I don’t wanna get divorced again, okay? I live in Hollywood, so that’s, like, one, you know, but… I gotta make this marriage work… ’cause I really like my house. [audience laughing] Know what I’m saying? It’s a nice house. It’s got heated bathroom floors. “Fuck, that feels good. Shit. [woman whoos] I don’t wanna have to lose this. Fuck! Guess I better figure out what that crazy wife is talking about. [chuckles] What’s that, honey? Yeah! Let’s look at all the schools.” [giggling] But anyway, so I go downstairs, and I’m sneezing. I go downstairs to sneeze. I go, “Achoo, achoo, achoo…” I was like… My wife’s like, “I still fucking hear you!” [audience laughing] But… And I came back– I come back upstairs, and Miranda, our seven-year-old, is asleep already in my side of the bed… “I don’t wanna deal with this right now. Forget it. I’ll find someplace else to sleep, okay?” So I go to another part of the house I’ve never even been before. You know? “Fuck, there’s a room over here. I didn’t know this. There’s a whole other wing.” So… [chuckles] and so, I open up a door, you know, and my wife beat me to it. She’s already asleep in the bed. I go, “Whatever,” you know. So I get into bed with her. And, like, when you’re in your 50s, you can’t just fall back right to sleep. You know, it’s like… it takes a little while. So whenever I’m in bed with my wife, and I can’t sleep, I just start, you know, grabbing a little bit. Just a little bit. -A little grab, you know. -[man] Yeah, bud! I’m hoping one day, she might go, “Oh, you know, that’s a good idea.” [chuckles] You know? It hasn’t happened yet, but you gotta put it out there. You know what I mean? You gotta try. You put it out. Anyway, so I’m grabbing a little bit, and I noticed, it feels… a little softer than what I’m used to. A little bit. But I’m not gonna judge. Maybe she took a hot bath. I don’t know, whatever. But her breasts also felt similarly off, you know. Then I thought to myself, “You know, there’s a chance this is not my wife.” [audience roars with laughter] So I got out of bed, [chuckles] and I ran back to the bedroom, and I saw my wife in there, asleep in a chair. And I said, “Honey, wake up.” She goes, “What is it?” I said, “Honey, I think I may have molested your mother.” [audience whoos, laughs] So… [chuckles] She pushed right by me. She just went, “Mom, why didn’t you say anything?” And her mom says, “You know I don’t talk to that idiot!” [audience laughing] So… whatever… I’ll tell you about myself more. I’m, uh, I’m Asian. My mom’s Filipino. And, uh, that’s usually where one person, Filipino, in the crowd goes, “Whew!” [chuckles] But anyway… But not this time. I’m a mixed-race person. In this age of diversity, you know, they want to hire… “Let’s have Asian people. Let’s have Black people. Let’s have women. Diversity.” So I’m Asian, but I’m not Asian enough where it can help me these days. -[audience laughing] -It’s like, “Fuck!” I’m, like, Rob Schneider. I’m not, like, Rob Akabonaito, you know. Fuck! I’m part Asian. I know you’ve been looking at me, thinking, “I know there’s something in there. What the hell is it? What is in there, exactly?” It’s tough. I have an Asian mother. I don’t recommend it. I don’t. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They’re tough. It was very tough for me. I didn’t get that treatment when I was a kid, “You’re so good. Have a great time. You’re so smart. You’re so good. You can be anything you want.” I got A’s and B’s in school. “Mom, I got straight A’s.” She goes, “So what? That’s your job, to get straight A’s. You’re smart, not an idiot. Come on. Huh? What do you want, a cookie? You want a cookie for that? Huh? Huh? That’s your job. What’s expected of you. You want something extra, do something extra. Huh. [audience laughing] You do your job. You don’t hear me going, ‘I cooked and cleaned all day. What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get?’ No. You do your job, I do my job. Huh. We keep this relationship nice and cold. That’s it, okay?” [audience laughing] And it was. The thing I remember most about my childhood is my mom yelling at me. Whether it was to protect me or whatever, she was like, “See what happens, huh? You fell down. See what happens, huh? No running in the house. See what happens, huh? You hurt yourself. See what happens, huh? You broke that. See what happens? No roughhousing. See what happens? Huh? You knocked that over. See what happens?” [audience laughing] One time, we were playing basketball three miles away from the house. Somebody twisted an ankle. All of a sudden, “See what happens?” [audience laughing] “Dude, that’s your mom on a mountain over there.” “See what happens?” I grew up in San Francisco. My first job was Chang and Chow’s 76 station, gas station, yeah. They used to pay us on Saturday. This is before we had banks open on Saturday. Cash. They’d pay us cash on Saturdays. And then they’d take us out to Chinese food, give us a couple of beers, play poker. They’d win all our fucking money back. -[chuckling] -[audience laughing] I did that for two weeks, then I go, “I’m not fucking doing that again. They took all our money, Bob, for cheap fucking Chinese food!” [chuckles] Here’s the thing. Uh… the Chinese have been communist for 71 years so far and counting, but they’ve been capitalists for 2,000 fucking years. Okay? That’s right. You want to get Chinese food after the show? We’ll find a place. Even if they’re closed, it’s like… [in Chinese accent] “Oh, I sorry, we’re closed.” “I got 500 people.” “Oh, okay, we’re fucking open. Come on in. We just offer the midnight special. We have a midnight special. [audience laughing] That’s right. My dad was Jewish. We know we can get Chinese food on Christmas, ’cause the Chinese, they don’t give a fuck about any holiday. [in Chinese accent] “We’re open Christmas. Come! Yeah, all day long. Come on down. No, fuck Jesus! Come on down. We’re open. Oh, yeah. ‘Cause he born that day, we go broke? Fuck that, no way. No way. The fish in the tank, they don’t know what day it is. They don’t. Just another Tuesday for them. President assassinated? Two-for-one buffet today. Two-for-one, president assassination special. 9/11? Come on, you got choice. Nine different kind of meat, 11 kind of noodles. It’s a 9/11 special. [audience laughing] I know it’s sad. We cry. We cry. It’s sad. Then we get hungry! Then we got egg foo yung, pork fried rice, got the lo mein noodle, panfried noodle, seared noodle. And then we’ve got, of course, the wonton noodle, the wonton noodle. [Speaking Chinese] Yeah, okay. We’ve got one more order, beef with the oyster sauce. We’ve got one more order. Beef with the oyster sauce.” That’s not racist, that’s accurate. That is accurate, very. [audience cheering, clapping] No. You gotta understand. You know how hard it is for you to speak Chinese? That’s how hard it is for Chinese people to speak English. It gets stuck in the back of the throat, they gotta get it out. [in Chinese accent] “Beef with oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster!” [audience roars with laughter] You know what you never see in America? Homeless Asian people. [audience cheering] You don’t see that shit. [man] Let’s go! Asian people like, [in Chinese accent] “No, fuck that. No way.” We figure out something else. No, we’ll work on a part of the body nobody wants to go near, like the toenails. We do the whole toenail. We’ll do the toenail. We scrape that shit off the back. [audience laughing] No, no, no. No, we’ll wax your anus from the front. We’ll just get in there. We’ll just get in there. Get in there. [puffs in mic] We’ll bleach your asshole. Sure, why not? Come on. You’re already here. Why not bleach your asshole? Sure, another $25. We’ll massage you, jerk you off, take your white devil money somehow. Oh, come on already! Oh! Oh! When you go, go the other way. Come on. It’s humiliating for me, too. Come on. All right.” My favorite though, are the Koreans, another hard-working group of people. Koreans, hard-working. Except with the Korean barbecue. I gotta say, it’s a little lazy in there. A bit. You go to a Korean barbecue, [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean barbecue. Welcome. Be very careful, hot coal. Very hot. Ow, hot. Hot coal. Hot. Careful, hot coal. Hot.” “Okay, I get it. Hot coal, I get it. So how does this shit work?” [in Korean accent] “Okay. Here’s the raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mi–” “What do I do with it?” “Oh, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [audience laughing] “Hey, I’m paying you to go out to eat. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [in Korean accent] “No, no, no, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [audience laughing] Seems kind of lazy, huh? I’d hate to go to a Korean whorehouse. [audience roars with laughter] [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean whorehouse. Come on in! This is the room. You suck your own dick. Yeah, yeah, you suck it! You suck it! You suck it! Then come over this room. You fuck yourself hard, this room. Oh, huh-huh! You get your money’s worth, this room. Oh! Oh! Then you come over here, you take a shower, then get the fuck out. Why you stay here so long? We have other customer.” [audience laughing] Takeru Saito, ladies and gentlemen. [audience cheering, clapping] Wanna play a little something, buddy? [soft piano playing] Well, I’m glad, as a society, men have finally had their reckoning with their horrible behavior. Some things were conveniently forgotten during this whole episode, conveniently forgotten about men and their behavior. It’s that men are… -pigs, you know. -[audience laughing] I should say men have pig potential. Pig potential. I’m a guy. I have pig potential. If my wife said to me, “Hey, you can make out with my best friend,” I wouldn’t do it, but I’d probably ask, “Which one?” [audience laughing] I’m not Jesus. I have pig potential. I’ve been to Starbucks. I’ve looked down at the end of the line. I’ve seen a nice-looking girl with exposed cleavage, thought to myself, “You know, probably feel pretty good to go over there and go…” Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. But I don’t do it. ‘Cause you know what in my head feels better? To be able to order a cappuccino without having to register as a fucking sex offender. [audience laughing] -“Cappuccino, Rob, sex offender.” -“Yeah, right here. Thank you.” All men have pig potential. I’m gonna sell out every guy in the room. Sorry, I’m gonna do it. Ladies, the guy you’re with now, I don’t care if you’ve been married one year, five years, ten years, 20 years. I don’t care if you got kids, grandkids. The first time the person you’re hoping to spend the rest your life with, the first time he went out with you, first time, first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That’s all he wanted, all he wanted it. If he could’ve just had sex and went home, it would’ve been the greatest fucking night ever. Sorry. Don’t get me wrong, ladies. He loves you now for you, ’cause you’re amazing. You are! You changed him. You did! You did! You’re incredible. But the first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That was it. That’s all he wanted. I’m sorry, guys are looking… for sex. And if a relationship happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it, okay? [audience laughing] It’s not what they want. They just end up in it, they don’t even know how it happened. [audience laughing] “What? You want to get something to eat first? Yeah, I’ll eat something, yeah. Sure. At your parents’ house, really? Oh. Hmm, okay, yeah. Are you hanging your shit up in my closet? Is that what you’re doing? Good, hang it up. I don’t want it to wrinkle. Don’t want– I think I’m in this fucking thing. What the hell happened? I thought I was just fucking her.” Conversely, women are looking for a relationship. And if sex happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it. [audience roars with laughter] “Oh, God, there it is. Oh, my God. Here we go. [chuckles] Oh, my God. Hey. What’s that? What? Turn around? Oh, it’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. What? Look at you? I am looking at you. I’m looking at you. I am looking at you. I am looking… Oh, that was disgusting! Oh, my God!” [audience laughing] [chuckling] There are women that are the exception. “Where’s the dick?” Those are the women I’m looking for, but they’re gone early. Gotta get there by 8:00 in the morning. “Girls that like dick? Oh, they’re gone. Fuck. Shit. Missed… missed it again.” [chuckles] Un… [chuckling] But, um… very early in the relationship, guys have to do emotional math. They say, like, “Okay, I’m really crazy attracted to her. I just can’t stand not being with her. But… how much work is this really fucking gonna be? [audience laughing] Is she showing me, like, the real crazy, or is there another crazy, crazy? [high-pitched voice] “Where the fuck were you? I saw your phone! Who are you fucking in Park City?” Or wherever. When is that gonna come out? Has she been lying to me this whole fucking time? ‘Cause I’ve been lying to her this whole fucking time. I have no idea who I am.” [audience laughing] And then they jump in. They make the commitment. You know, and they do that by how crazy attracted they are to you. That’s it, you know? Guys are not complicated. They just wanna be with a woman that drives them crazy, that they just have to be with, that they’re crazy attracted to. You know, beauty has its place. People tell me all the time, “Hey, Rob, your wife’s way too beautiful for you.” It’s like, “Well, you know, [chuckles] that’s what I was going for.” [chuckles] You know. I like those. [audience laughing] Beauty has its place. It does. People like to hear that. “Oh, what a beautiful child! Beautiful.” People like to hear that. “Beautiful child! Beautiful.” They don’t like to hear, “Ooh. [audience laughing] What happened? Was there a fire? Are you gonna keep it? You should keep it. Keep her for a little while.” [audience laughing] And then a guy jumps in that relationship. Now, here’s an interesting thing about guys, it’s that guys work proportionately in a relationship depending on how attracted they are to you. If a guy’s with a woman that he feels is about the same level of attractiveness as he is, he’ll have a certain amount of devotion, time, effort, care in the relationship. However, weird thing is, if a guy’s with a woman that he knows is way out of his league, he will work harder. Say a guy’s going out with a Victoria’s Secret model. The guy’s like, “What’s that, honey? What? What? Tell me. You can’t find your car keys? Well! [chuckling] Let’s just go buy another car! Yeah, [chuckles] I’ll fill out all that shit! Go get your nails done. Get a massage. Seriously. I’ll get a second job to pay for it. I don’t need sleep. You married a strong guy.” [audience laughing] If it’s a guy who feels he’s the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? What? You can’t find your car keys? Well, looks like you’re gonna have to walk, bitch. I mean… [audience roars with laughter] I am helping you! Maybe on your walk home, you figure out where you left your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” If it’s a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that, honey? What? Tell me. You left the kids at the mall? -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] We can have more kids! Sure, we can. It’ll be fun!” If it’s a guy who feels the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? You left the kids at the mall? -That was fucking dumb, wasn’t it? – [audience laughing] Well, yeah, they’re with me right now. They’re not gonna call the parent that fucking left them there. That would make them dumb. They found your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” [audience laughing] If it was a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that? What’s that, honey? You killed my mother? Well, she’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience laughing] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] If it’s a guy who feels about the same level of attractiveness as his wife, “What’s that, honey? You what? You killed my mother? She’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience roars with laughter] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] [audience whooing, clapping] [chuckles] Thank you. Look, I’ll be honest with you. My wife’s wanted to divorce me. We’ve been together for ten years. She’s wanted to divorce me every three months for ten years. [audience laughing] It’s gonna happen again in two weeks. I know it. I’m used to it. I can deal with it. Hey, I’m too old to quit. I am. It’s tough when you marry somebody younger than you ’cause they still have… hope. -[audience laughing] -You know? That’s tough to squeeze out. After, uh… two years of being married, my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “It’s not getting better. You said it’s gonna get better, but it’s no mejor. No mejor. It’s no better. Why am I hanging in there for, huh? Losing more of my youth, my youth, my youth. Bye-bye, youth. Bye.” I was like, “Well, honey, you gotta get over the hump.” The hump is, like, three years. Get over the hump, then go, ‘Thank God we hung in there.’ ‘Cause you’re over the hump, huh?” After three years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we’re over the hump. But it’s no better, no mejor. Why am I hanging in there, losing more of my youth, youth, youth, youth, youth?” “Honey, I didn’t really tell you. What I really meant was, like, five years. That’s when you have a history together. Five years. [puffs] Thank God I didn’t quit, you know?” After five years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we got a history. Huh. But it’s not a good history. It’s no mejor. It’s no mejor. Why am I hanging in there? More of my youth. Bye-bye, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth.” I had to just tell her, “Look, honey, it’s easy to quit. You can quit right now. I can’t stop you. You can find another guy, easy. You’re beautiful, brilliant, incredible. You’re youthful. Your youth. You’ve got your youth. You’d find another guy like that. You’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with me, then you get bored again. ‘When’s it gonna get better? My youth! My youth! Blah, blah’ Then you leave that guy. You could find another guy, easy. You’re brilliant, beautiful, incredible. You’ll find another guy like that. Then you’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with him, that you had with me. Or you could realize that all these problems that you have have nothing to fucking do with me! [audience laughing] Figure it out! I can make you happier. I can’t make you happy. You’re responsible for your own feliz. Maybe you don’t realize, that I am your Prince Charming. All right? Maybe you didn’t realize Prince Charming is gonna look like me, be as old as me and as short as me, but I am your Prince Charming.” I haven’t told her that last part yet, but I’m this fucking close. Know what I’m saying? -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] When I say it’s up to each of us to find our own, to be happy, the “er” part is on us, guys. It really is. The “er” part. And don’t make them “un,” unhappy. Make them happier, you know. Read a woman, you know? Listen to what she says. Don’t do what she says, ’cause she doesn’t mean that, but figure out what the fuck she really is saying. ‘Cause women speak in code, and it’s up to us to kind of figure out… the code for what’s healthiest in the relationship. Like when my wife says to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m gonna go downstairs and get some water.” What she’s really saying is, “Go downstairs and get me some water.” [audience laughing] Then when I say, “Do you want me to get it for you?” What I’m really saying is, “Please don’t make me get it for you. It’s cold as shit down there. I don’t have any pants on. I’d have to put my pants on.” When my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m really tired,” what she’s saying is, “Get that dick away from me! [audience laughing] I feel it on my back!” [woman laughing loud] [audience laughing, clapping] [audience roars with laughter] That looks horrible. [chuckles] I’m sorry. [audience laughing] But guys speak in code, too. Like, late at night, guys speak in code. “Honey, you mind if I turn the heat down a bit? You know, a little bit? The heat, a little bit, a little bit? Turn the heat down a little bit, a bit, a bit?” What they’re really saying is, “I think I’m fucking dying! [audience laughing] I spent the last four hours laying down on the kitchen floor. I’m already naked. I can’t take my skin off.” My wife will say to me, “I felt the weirdest thing in the middle of the night.” It’s like, “What?” “I felt this cold air blowing on me.” And I had to go, “Oh, that’s fucked up. What? Who’d want that while they’re sleeping? Nice, cool breeze gently blowing on your body. I’m gonna check those windows.” That’s what I said. That’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was, “It’s the fucking air conditioning!” You fell asleep, so I snuck up, and I turned the fucking air conditioning on ’cause I was melting! I weigh 50 pounds more than you! You could sleep with a sweater on.” I could make it better. You know, I could do more. Our date nights suck, to be honest with you. The woman you’re with, she’s giving you everything. Her life, [in Mexican accent] her youth. Dedicated her life. Make it special. Women need that. You gotta make them feel special, you know? I fucked up again Christmas. I’m gonna tell you this story. I waited till the end of the night, the end of the night. That’s not good, guys. My wife’s already in bed. She’s in bed, in bed, about to fall asleep. And that’s when I decided to get romantic. That’s when I decided to sneak in the bed, going, [in deeper voice] “Honey… [audience laughing] Yes, it’s you. It is you. Okay, it is you. Yes. Good, good, good. Got that part. Honey, Merry Christmas. You wanna fool around? It’s Christmas.” “Merry Christmas. No.” “But it’s Christmas.” “I don’t care.” “You don’t have to do much.” [speaking Spanish] “Gracias por la oferta. No, gracias.” “What does that mean?” “Thank you for the offer. No, thank you. But thank you. Thank you.” “Please.” [audience laughing] [in Mexican accent] “Let me tell you about my day, okay? While you were still sleeping, I got up and I finished wrapping the presents for the girls. And then, while you were on your fucking phone, I got the girls dressed for the party. And when you were still on your fucking phone, I prepared and cooked for the party. And while we were opening up the presents, and you were pretending to video tape but still secretly on your fucking phone. We opened up the presents, then we played. And then after, I gave them a nice bath read them a story, and had them go to sleep. And then… I took a shower. And now I’m ready to go to sleep. And now, after all that, you expect me to be excited to have sex with you, so I have to take another fucking shower? [audience laughing] Gracias. No, gracias.” [soft piano continues playing] “It could’ve been over by now. [audience roars with laughter] Seriously, could’ve easily been over. I mean, seriously. [chuckling] Before the whole part about, like, shower, I would’ve been over by that part. I swear, we didn’t have to, like…” No. It’s tu problema, no mi problema. It’s tu problema. Huh? No mi problema. Tu problema. Eh, eh, eh. Eh. Uh-eh. [audience laughing] So, I’ll be honest. Um… I was, um… a little high. But it… it was medical. Ow-huh! Ow! Ow! It was medical. I needed it. [smacks lips] But, uh… I didn’t have any pants on. -I should probably tell you that as well. -[audience laughing] And I went downstairs to the refrigerator and, uh… opened up the refrigerator, saw a half-eaten pumpkin pie from earlier in there. Saw a can of whipped cream right there. Now, uh… never done this before or since. I just took the whipped cream and went, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. -Psssh! [audience laughing] Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! An hour before, I took one of those blue pills. Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] I didn’t know where this was gonna go, I looked in the refrigerator and saw… some coconut flakes in there. Like, “Oh, yeah.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. And they stayed on pretty good. Not all of them, but enough of them, you know. And I was like… “There’s gotta be some chocolate chips in this motherfucker. There’s gotta be. There’s always chocolate chips.” And there was chocolate chips, right in there, right in there! I took the chocolate chips, and I put those on. The big ones fell off, but the little ones stayed on. The little ones. That’s the key to the whole thing, little ones. And I said, “If there’s some caramel in this refrigerator, I’m gonna blow my fucking brains out. That’s it. That’s it” And there was caramel in there! There was caramel! I took the caramel, and I said– I go, “Robbie! Robinator! Roberino! -Robbie! Robster! -[woman whooing] -Robbie!” -[audience clapping] And who comes around the corner? My wife. [audience laughing] “All right. I guess I’ll have to try some of that.” [audience roars with laughter] “Make your own!” [audience howls] [audience whooing] Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you. [audience cheering] Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a treat for you, but more, really, a treat for me. The one and only, my daughter, Elle King. [audience cheering, clapping] Thank you. I just wanted to tell you that I used to be Rob Schneider, and now I’m Elle King’s dad. And, uh… I love you. We’ve never sung together publicly, and I thought maybe tonight would be a nice night to try it. Okay. [audience cheering] This is his one. [laughing] I’ll take it. [man] You can do it! It’s a carol. [soft piano playing] ♪ A candy-colored clown They call the sandman ♪ ♪ Tiptoes to my room every night ♪ ♪ Just to sprinkle stardust ♪ ♪ And to whisper ♪ ♪ “Go to sleep ♪ ♪ Everything is all right” ♪ ♪ I close my eyes ♪ ♪ And drift away ♪ ♪ Into a magic night ♪ ♪ I softly say ♪ ♪ A silent prayer ♪ ♪ Like dreamers do ♪ ♪ And then I fall asleep ♪ ♪ To dream sweet dreams of you ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ I walk ♪ ♪ With you ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ I talk ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ Just before ♪ ♪ The dawn ♪ ♪ I awake ♪ ♪ To find you gone ♪ ♪ I can’t help it ♪ ♪ I can’t help it ♪ ♪ If I cry ♪ ♪ I remember ♪ ♪ That you said goodbye ♪ ♪ It’s too bad ♪ ♪ That all these things ♪ ♪ Can only happen ♪ ♪ In my dreams ♪ All you, baby. ♪ Only ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ In beautiful ♪ ♪ Dreams ♪ [audience cheering] [Rob] You’re beautiful. Thank you. [audience cheering continues] [upbeat music playing] ♪ You can do it! ♪ ♪ All night long! ♪ [audience cheering] You wanna say hi? Hi! [audience cheering] Hi. My name is… [audience laughing] Okay. I’m gonna… Hi, everyone. [audience cheering] Thank you so much for coming. This is my family. I love you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. We love you. Thank you so much. [audience cheering continues]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

MICHAEL MCINTYRE: SHOWMAN (2020) – TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-mcintyre-showman-transcript/

Released on September 15, 2020 [Netflix] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Michael McIntyre! Bravo! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome… …to my Netflix special! Let’s do this! Thank you! If I’m honest with you, I wanted to be in slightly better… physical condition for… f-for the special. I planned on it, but, you know, it’s not really happened. I wouldn’t have mentioned it, it’s just that this suit was cut bespokely for my body about a year ago, and it’s not a body I have anymore, unfortunately. It’s got a little clingy, a bit tuggy. I’ve found I have to express myself, gesticulate, below this line. You’ll see mostly I’ll need to express myself down here tonight, because, when I raise my arms beyond that, this has started. Jacket boobs, ladies and gentlemen. An incredibly unfortunate side effect of the tight jacket. I’ve got a bit chubby cheek, chubby cheek. I’ve got the old chubby cheeks going on at the moment. Um… Unfortunately, due to the chubby cheek situation, um, a few problems. I got a phone, um, I don’t know when it was, about a year ago. The new iPhone. It’s got Face ID. When you first get it, you look at it, it maps your face, and then it remembers you. Every time you look at it, it becomes unlocked. Not from a code, just from your face. Well, now my phone no longer recognizes… my fat face. Just stares at me as if to say, “Who’s that fat thief? Have you stolen Michael’s phone?” I can unlock it, but I have to do this. Mmm. Mmm. It’s ’cause I’m getting older, you see. My wife and I, we’re the same age. Little things have started changing. For years, everything was the same, but now we can feel it creeping in. It’s not exactly old age, but little… little differences. For example, we can’t stay up at night. We… We pass out. Every single– About 9:30 is a late one for us. We get so tired. You know when you click on the Netflix thing and it goes “boom-boom”? That’s the sound of my wife and I’s head hitting the pillow and passing out. We can’t get beyond it. Another thing that’s started happening now… which, I have to say, I’m not proud of this. I’m actually very disappointed that this has happened so young in my life. It’s not happening every night. But I have started, occasionally, waking up in the middle of the night needing a pee… …which is a very depressing development. There’s an elder gentleman who applauded that. What a… What a funny moment. “I’m there with you, my friend.” My bladder used to be fine. Like many young bladders in this room, I’d go to sleep at night. I’d be like, “Night, blad.” My bladder would be like, “Night, Mikey. Sleep well.” “I will.” I’d wake up in the morning, my bladder’s like, “Look, we are full down here, but no cause for alarm. Next time you’re passing the loo, I will need emptying. But chill out, relax, no rush on this. Have some breakfast, have some juices. Have some smoothies. Tea, coffee, whatever you want. Cereal, more milk, don’t mind if you do. I’ve got this… till at least noon.” Well, not anymore. Now, when I’m deep asleep in the middle of the night, my bladder sends messages to my brain to give me dreams that I’m pissing myself. This is how it wakes me up. I’m having a normal anxiety dream. I’m back at school. I’m in an exam I haven’t revised for. I’m just having a weird dream, and then I look down… Oh, and I’ve peed my pants as well. I wake up in a panic! Have I pissed my pants? I look down, my bladder’s like, “Nearly! We’ve got to go now! Up! Now!” And you lie there, “But I don’t want to get up. It’s three o’clock in the morning, I don’t want to.” And you fight it, but your bladder’s insistent. “I’m afraid you have to wake up, it’s a very dangerous situation down here. I don’t think I can handle it.” So that involves getting out of the bed and going around the bed, out of the door, into the bathroom, which is over there, right? Round the bed because my wife is there, she’s closest to the door. That’s her side. This is my side, that’s her side. It’s been that way for 20 years. It will never, ever change. We all have our sides. Have you ever gone on to your partner’s side? It’s the weirdest sensation! “It’s the same room, but it looks really weird from here! I don’t like it!” So I’ve got to go round the bed, and I can’t wake her up. I cannot wake my wife. If my wife is awoken in the night, she won’t get back to sleep, she’ll blame me, she’ll be up. “Why’d you have to wake me up? Why do you make so much noise?” So I have to make sure she stays asleep. And also, if she wakes up in the night, she will inevitably go on her phone, which means she will inevitably buy shoes. She buys so many shoes on her phone on online shopping. She– She buys shoes when she’s in the bath, she buys shoes at traffic lights, she bought a pair of shoes on the way up a roller coaster. She’s addicted. It’s costing a fortune. Little bit of an insight into how bad it is. The other night, I was lying in bed on my laptop. She’s next to me on her mobile phone. The children are both in the room as well, they’re both on iPads, and the television is on in front of us. It’s a wonderful, modern family scene. It’s not like we don’t chat as a family. Sometimes there’s a WhatsApp ping and we discuss whose phone it was. “Ping!” “Was that you? I think it was me.” “I think your phone just went.” “Thank you, right you are.” And then we get back to our devices. I was on internet banking at the time. I could see money coming out of the account in real time. Every time I refreshed it, we had less money in the bank! “You are doing this right now, darling?” “But these shoes are so beautiful, darling! I just had to! I just had to! If it upsets you, stop refreshing.” “Please, leave us something for the morning!” So I can’t wake her up, can’t wake her up. It’s gonna cost a fortune. So I’ve got to creep round, get to the loo. That is easier said than done, on account of the floorboards. I never realized we had creaky floorboards until I started creeping around on them in the middle of the night. I’ve never noticed the floorboards make a noise in the daytime. As soon as my foot… steps out of the bed in the dead of night… I can see my wife stirring in her sleep. Her arm is subconsciously reaching for her mobile. “No!” I try and find a non-creaky… “Fuck!” After a while, I just leg it. Everything makes a noise in the night. Everything. I didn’t even know… we had an extractor fan until I started peeing in the night. I’ll go into the loo, you turn the lights on… What are we extracting? I haven’t started yet. It’s the loudest thing in the world! It’s gonna wake my wife up! And there’s not two switches. There’s not a switch… There’s not a switch for light and a switch for… extraction. They’re on the same circuit. So if you want the light on, you have to go… which will definitely wake my wife up. So it means peeing… in the darkness. Because it’s all about sound, you have to be very sensitive to noise, ’cause you’re waiting for the splash. But you can’t pee into the water, that’s too noisy. That will wake my wife up. So you wait for the water, and then immediately retreat… …to find the sweet spot of the bowl surrounding the water. Yes! This acknowledgment of night peeing! Darkness urination. And sometimes you’re peeing and you hear a different sound, you know, like, “Ooh, I think that’s the floor. I’m peeing on the floor. I’ve overcompensated.” Then you put the light on. “Yep, I’ve pissed on the floor.” Then you have to get the loo roll out, you throw that down. You create a sort of foot mop situation, as you remove your own pee from the bathroom floor. “How’s your life going, Michael?” “Well, I’m just foot-mopping piss at 3:20 a.m. Other than that, really, really happy.” Then it’s back to bed. Soon as I get into the bedroom, I can see my wife’s face glowing. The phone. Like a horror movie. You can see shoes in her eyeballs. “Do you have to make so much fucking noise, Michael? I’ve bought three pairs of shoes there.” Damn! That piss cost me 600 quid! Plus VAT! I’m thinking about getting a catheter just to save money. I’ve… I’ve actually started… And this is good advice for you. I’ve started having a Berocca before bed, then I get glow-in-the-dark pee and I can see exactly the situation. But I know where… I’m starting to actually learn where the creaks are. I actually… I get out of bed, and I know where to avoid. I’m getting quite good at it. I think as I get older, I’ll get more and more brilliant at it. By the time I’m 80, I’ll be like Ninja Warrior. A sort of stealth-pissing pensioner in the middle of the night. Barely any piss will come out at that age. Before realizing I’ve accidentally peed in the spare room cupboard, but this is all to come, ladies and gentlemen! But the good news is, the only positive to come out of getting up in the night to pee is it does give me the opportunity, while my wife is asleep, to readjust the temperature in the bedroom, because she likes sleeping in Arctic conditions. She sleeps with the window open, and she calls it “room temperature.” I’m like, “Darling, that’s not room temperature if the window is open. That’s garden temperature.” We might as well sleep in a tent outside. It’s freezing! “Can we close the window, put the heating on?” “No, we can’t have the heating on in the bedroom. You know we’ll get sore throats.” “Well, my throat is quite sore with the icicles forming in it!” But I don’t mind, she can have what she likes, it’s fine. We… We live together. If she wants it freezing, I’ll put another blanket on. It’ll be fine. My issue with it is her relationship with temperature makes no sense at all. Why does she want the bedroom so absolutely freezing, but her bath is the hottest thing known to man? There’s lava, and then there’s my wife’s bath. When she’s in the bath, steam fills the house. People are driving down our road with fog lights on going, “What’s happened in that building?” And often she calls out from the bath, through the steam, “Michael, would you like this bath after me?” “What, to cook pasta in? No.” Danger. ‘Cause we’ve all done that. We’ve all got into a bath that’s too hot. And it’s normally our own fault, we don’t have time to wait. When we run the hot tap, and we run the cold, we don’t have time to wait for the full, proper temperature to reveal itself. You just have a, “Should be fine.” You go away, busy life, and you come back, and you normally know as soon as your foot goes in. As soon it goes in, you normally go, “Ooh! I’ve… I’ve run that a bit too hot.” But often you don’t realize it until you’re in already. You get in, and you start lowering yourself, because it takes a while for the information that your feet are burning… …to reach your brain, where the information has to go to tell you about it. Because it’s really quite a long way for the information to travel. So you start lowering yourself and thinking, “Something doesn’t feel altogether right here.” Then it just hits you. You have a split-second decision, “Do I stay, or do I go?” And many times you just go, “I can’t! Oh, my God, I can’t!” And you end up standing naked in your bathroom. You look down, you’ve got these sort of red skin socks of pain. “Ow! Look what I did to myself!” Then you have to empty the hot out to put the cold in, which involves sacrificing your arm to plunge to the plug. Plug plunging, very dangerous. You look at your arm as if to say, “This will hurt, I do apologize. Brace yourself.” Sometimes you can’t get a purchase. You’re like, “I could lose my arm!” But the braver amongst us, there’s many here tonight, and I count myself amongst you, will hover paddle. This is where you get into the bath, even though it hurts, and you hover over the surface. You get the cold on, and you start paddling like a maniac. “We can change this! It’s getting better all the time now! Be brave! Be brave!” Then you inherently know, “It’s time to change direction now! Come on! It’s getting better, it’s getting better! Come on!” And then you have to test it. How is the water going? Is it ready to fully submerge? And you do this with your bottom, you select your bottom, and the task of your bottom is simply to dip in to see, is it ready? How’s it going? Is– How’s it going? This is where I forget, unfortunately, that I have balls. It’s not so much that I forget. It’s more the angle of dangle… …means that my balls are now the closest thing to the surface of the water, not my bottom after all. And it comes as a nasty surprise. It’s the most sensitive part of the human body It’s the last part of the human body, let’s be honest, that you would volunteer… …to test boiling water with. No one’s ever handed me a cup of tea and said, “Michael… This might be a little bit on the hot side.” “Well, we shall soon find out, my friend.” “Right you are, little bit more milk. Just a splash. Just tested it with my hover-paddle hardened bollocks there, my friend.” Thirsty work. Thirsty work here. This is, uh, bottled water. They’ve taken the label off it because of advertising. Because they’re worried that people watching Netflix might want to, uh, look like me. Can you imagine? “What does he drink?” It’s, uh, Evian, of course. Uh… If you were wondering. Evian. “Live young, Evian.” Middle class people love bottled water, don’t they? It’s a colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid and it tastes the same no matter what brand you get. It’s a miracle of branding and marketing that people prefer different ones. “Oh, I like Voss.” “I like Fiji.” “I like Buxton.” “I’m a Highland Spring guy.” It’s the same… same water. And they get very offended, you must have seen this in restaurants when the waiter comes over, “Can I get you a drink?” “Uh, yes, can we just have water, please? Still water, we’re fine with still water.” Sometimes the waiter goes, “Tap?” It’s a horrible moment. It’s like he’s just said, “Puddle? I could scoop some from the pavement? It rained earlier.” And people are so offended. “Uh, excuse me, how dare you? Are you trying to poison me and my children? Do you not have any respect? Do you think I can’t afford bottled water? We’ll have Evian, please, or something. There’s a mountain on the bottle, we find it reassuring. We don’t want your disgusting tap water. We don’t know the condition of your taps and your tanks and your pipes. How revolting. Your rat-infested tanks? Water that’s been drained and flushed for centuries? You’re trying to give that to me? How revolting. “Ice?” “Yes, could you freeze the shit water and put it into the bottled water? Because we haven’t thought this through at all. We’d like a slow death, a slow release of poisoned rat water into the purity of Evian.” So this is a culmination of, um, a tour I’ve been doing for a while, on and off, all around the world. It’s a big world tour, a big world tour. And I suppose it’s amazingly exciting to be home at the end of it because I’ve been far flung, far flung places. Probably the furthest I’ve been is the furthest anybody’s been from here, which is New Zealand, New Zealand. New Zealand is, um… Yeah, New Zealand’s amazing, I love New Zealand. Um, but it takes 24 hours, as you know, to get there from here and that’s a day of your life gone, just gone, it’s insane. And the jetlag is monumental. So I landed in Auckland, New Zealand. I thought, I’ve got to get onto the time zone as quickly as possible. So I pulled out the bezel of my watch, and I said to the stewardess, “What’s the time difference here? I just want to get onto the new time zone. What’s the time difference here?” “It’s 12 hours ahead. The time difference in New Zealand, it’s 12 hours ahead. We’re 12 hours ahead in New Zealand.” So I started to wind my watch 12 hours. And I notice in my peripheral vision she was looking at me like I was an idiot. I thought, “What’s her problem? She needs to jog on.” I got to about eight hours in and I realized, “Oh, right, I’m going to land in exactly the same place that I started.” So… So, rather than look a fool, I wound it back. “Thank you, I’ll be fine from here. Thank you for your help.” They talk like that in New Zealand. On the front of their mouths like this. It’s quite fast, it’s quite pacey. And basically, they change the vowels, they have a strange relationship with vowels. They get to a vowel and they just pick another and go with that one instead. It’s a thing. ‘Cause Australia’s a little bit different, it’s much slower in Australia. They take their time. They love the vowels. When they see a vowel, they’re just like, “We’re gonna stay there. I see no reason… to rush this sentence, mate. We’re gonna stay on the vowel.” But New Zealand, it’s all about changing the vowel. I had a bit of an incident on account of this vowel changing situation, and I’m going to be honest and upfront. It was quite rude. Um, but it’s funny. When I was checking into the hotel in Auckland, um, she wanted to tell me, the receptionist, about this new swimming pool that they’d built on the sixth floor. Six. The six floor. Um… And surrounding the pool was a deck. Uh, with an “E.” And it was known as “The Deck,” and in the lift it went, “The Deck.” I was checking in, she said, “While you’re staying here, are you gonna spend some time sitting on the Deck?” “That is an astonishing assumption to make of me.” She said, “There’s a lovely big deck on the sixth floor.” “There’s a lovely big dick on the sex floor? What kind of a place is this?” She said, “The deck is for hanging out.” “No, it isn’t!” “Careful, it can get a bit slippery up there, it’s hardwood.” “Oh, please, behave!” And I went to Australia while I was there. Obviously nipped over to Australia. It’s beautiful. I love Australia, I love Australians. Really nice people. We’ve got us some Australians over here. Welcome, I love ’em. I love ’em. Really… Really full on, really happy. They love that you come over, they’re just so grateful. “Fucking hell, you came all the way!” Just brilliant. And it’s like a holiday destination, it’s beautiful. The beaches are beautiful, the landscape’s magnificent. The only problem, with all due respect, is the, um… the sharks have decided that that’s where they should be. And the circle Australia, waiting for Australians to get into the water. And guess what? Australians keep getting into the water. I was– I went to the beach with some Australians. They’re like, “You gonna come for a swim, Mickey? Come and relax, cool off? Come for a swim, it’s lovely in the water today.” “No, I don’t think so. I’ll be– I’ll be fine.” “Why not? Why not?” “Because there are sharks in there.” “Yeah. Not always.” “I think… the fact that there’s ever been one is enough for me.” “Ah, come on, Mickey. You’ve gotta live your life.” “Yes, until it ends. Maybe today, with a shark attack, you see?” He said, “You’ve got more chance of being hit by a car.” “Not when I’m fucking swimming, I don’t. I’ll be staying here on the beach.” “I’ll be right here. I’ll cool off another way.” So while I was in Australia, I did see, unfortunately, a gentleman… This isn’t… This isn’t funny. But he was fine. He was fine. He was… There was a shark attack incident, but he was fine. He’d just got bitten on the arm. It wasn’t great. Um… I shouldn’t laugh. The point I’m trying to make is that I passionately believe that this shark attack would not have happened if he hadn’t have got into the water. He’s lying in his hospital bed being interviewed on the news. There’s a reporter on the end of his bed. He’s got his arm up in a thing, he’s got his neck in a brace. She’s like, “So, just if you can, if it’s all right, could you just talk us through, talk us through, sir, what… what happened? He’s like, “Yeah, well, I was… I was just… I-I was just… I was just surfing in the ocean, and then this shark literally… came out of nowhere.” Not exactly. The shark was in its natural habitat. You’re the one who literally came out of nowhere and offered yourself as a light snack. On a plate. Literally, on a long, thin platter. Get out of the water. It’s not like he’s being interviewed in his hospital bed and he’s like, “I was… I was on the fourth floor of my Melbourne apartment… …unloading the dishwasher. I pulled out the top rack to put my mug in, and this shark literally came out of nowhere, attacked me on the arm.” “I was an internal flight to Adelaide. I looked out the plane, there’s a fucking shark on the wing.” I will attempt an accent, you’ve probably noticed I’ll give it a go. Um, I like accents. It doesn’t matter where you go in the world, they’ve developed their own little way of talking. I don’t know how it starts. Nobody knows how it evolves. Beautiful ones, you’ve got Italy. It’s so beautiful in Italy. They speak so beautiful. I don’t know how it evolved, but it is certainly the most sexy way of communication is to talk with an Italian accent, it’s so sexy. Everybody love the way I talking. Yeah? You go to France… A little pissed off, but still pretty cool, we talk like this. Of all the accents in the world, the one I think maybe they should ch-change, and I don’t want to disrespect anybody here who may be from there, but for me, it’s the Northern Irish accent. What on earth is going on there? It’s not an easy one to do. They’ve decided, in Northern Ireland, that the best… the best… the best way to communicate is right… right at the back of their throat, like that. Just making noises. Nothing there. Absolutely nothing. You don’t know what they’re saying. “We’re gonna make noises in a Northern Irish accent, just gonna… What are you even doing here?” “I don’t even know what you’re doing here myself.” How does it start? Because babies are like… “Wah!” “No, it’s ‘Aah!’ All right? If you’re going to stay here, you’ve got to do the ‘Aah.'” It’s right in the back like that, fucking right at the back. The Northern Irish accent is the only time I’ve ever heard somebody sneeze, and I could tell where they were from… …from the sneeze. I was in Dubai airport and this bloke sitting next to me just went… “Achoo.” Oh, for goodness sake. “Are you from, uh, Northern Ireland?” “I am, I’m from Belfast.” “Thought as much.” It’s fun though there. It’s nice, nice place. Did some good shows in Belfast. Really good audience, up for it. Nice people, friendly, welcoming. Had some time to kill while I was there, so I went to what was, what is, the most successful tourism destination they’ve ever had in the whole of Northern Ireland. It’s called the Titanic Quarter. And it’s all about the building of the Titanic, that was built in Belfast, and it’s something they’re incredibly… proud of. It’s like they don’t know what happened to the Titanic. Where they built it. I went round this museum, and I said to somebody working there, “I’m so sorry, but you do know what happened to the Titanic?” “It was fine when it left here.” I don’t know if that’s the point, mate. So while I was there, I had these gigs in America coming up. Americans are, um… They’re an amazing audience, I’ve got to tell you. They’re amazing. As an audience, they’re so… You can see them, just… Ready, up for a good… yes! Yes! They’re wild. Wild. Because, with respect to British people, and I want you to know, I am one, so I’m the same as you. When I went to America, they were… I did the show in America, they were wild, whooping, cheering, laughing and everything. I went on social media after the show. Everything was in capitals. “Michael McIntyre was awesome! He blew the roof off. He was incredible!” I don’t get that here. I’m going to be honest with you. The best I get from British people is, “He didn’t disappoint.” Even when we’re happy… …we have to reference our disappointing lives. The other one I get here is, “Surprisingly good.” Why are you so surprised? You booked the tickets! British people go out with no expectations. “I’m not planning on much entertainment this evening.” “Surprisingly good, wasn’t it, Pam?” So, of all the places I went on my tour round the world, I think my funnest one, the most unexpectedly fun one, for me has to be, um, when I did these shows in Asia. I had never gigged in Asia. I did Hong Kong and Singapore back to back. And I’ve never even actually been to Asia before. And this might come as a surprise to many of you to find out that I’m not… …an Asian person. I realize… I look Asian. Especially when I smile, I get more and more Asian. Now… I’ve looked into this. My parents, not Asian. Everybody in my ancestry, also not from Asia. My children in no way resemble Asian people. I am the sole Asian representative… …of my house and family, and nobody understands why that’s happened. Even that I myself mistook myself for an Asian gentleman in what was a very, very depressing moment. I was coming off an airplane, and you know when they leave newspapers there for you to grab on the way off? And I’m coming off in that funnel bit, you know the funnel bit? Long-haul flight, not paying attention, and I notice, in the corner of my eye, that I’m on the front page of the Daily Mail. And my heart sunk. I thought… “What have I done? Oh, my God, something’s happened, something must have broken while I was in the sky. Oh, my… What? Oh, my… What is it? Oh, my God.” It was Kim Jong-un. If there’s a more depressing moment in my life, I’m yet to experience it. The sad truth is that I could probably unlock Kim Jong-un’s iPhone… …with my fat Asian face. Maybe the FBI will send me into the Pyongyang palace to steal government secrets in the dead of night. “How are you with creeping around bedrooms while people are trying to sleep?” “I practice that nightly, sir. I’m your man. Just give me a schematic of all the creaks on the floorboards and we’ll be fine.” While I was in, uh, Asia, in Hong Kong, a very, very exciting development occurred. Um… This was very unexpected. Now, I should tell you that I’m married to a beautiful woman. She’s out of my league. Um… She’s like properly… She’s hot. And I know that she’s out of my league because everybody who meets us, and meets her, tells us immediately. They can’t help it. They just look at us and go… “Why?” They don’t understand. She is a ten. She’s a ten. No doubt about it, she’s a ten. I am like, well… maybe with a diet and a… and a tan, and a… and a great… a great distance and a short-sighted affliction… and a low lighting, maybe a six. Or a five. I’m feeling it’s a four from this reaction. I’m fine, I’m fine with it, I don’t care. Because in Hong Kong, I’m a fucking nine. I’m a nine. This is the look they go for. ‘Cause I’ve got this sort of, “Is he Asian, is he not Asian?” Cool, British, James Bond-y thing going on. Soon as I got off the plane, girls were giggling. “Oh, my God!” I was like, “What?” I didn’t know what had happened. No one had ever reacted to me like that. Girls were coming up to me, “Excuse me, oh, my God, where you from? You have such an interesting face. Oh, hello.” I knew they fancied me because they were lowering their face masks to flirt. “Hello, stranger. How you doin’?” This girl came over to me, “Excuse me… are you a model?” Am I a model? No, what are you talking about?” She said, “You look exactly like the man from the Paco Rabanne adverts.” There’s an advertising campaign in Hong Kong for Paco Rabanne. I look exactly like the guy in it. If anything, I’m better looking. In Hong Kong, I’m a Paco Rabanne model. In this country, I’ve been offered zero advertising work whatsoever. Unless Jacamo come out with a new jacket boob range, I don’t think that’s gonna be changing… …in the near future. “Shop at Jacamo, with their new jacket boob range. Comes in all sizes of boobs.” Not gonna happen. Doesn’t matter. Hong Kong, gorgeous. Unfortunately, this did lead to a quite embarrassing, uh, situation. My wife’s always trying to look after me. She wasn’t with me. Um, I was touring alone, but I couldn’t sleep, I kept whining about it, “I’m jetlagged,” so she booked me in for a massage in the hotel spa. She said, “It’s world-renowned. Have a massage, it’ll help you sleep.” So I go downstairs to the spa, you know, lift doors open, there’s candles and low music. There’s a few girls on reception, they’re giggling as I walk over because I’m gorgeous, but I’m used to it now. It’s almost annoying. “He’s coming over! Oh, my God! He’s the guy from Paco Rabanne! Oh, my God!” This one girl lowered her face mask and put red lipstick on. “I can’t believe it’s him!” Then she put the face mask over her lips. It was seeping through the mask by the time I got there. She looked like the Joker in Batman. Not a good look! I said, “I’m here for my massage.” She said, “Okay, what you want to do is you want to go to the men’s locker room, just down there on the right, and in there you’ll find a locker, um… There’s a robe in there, and some slippers. Pop those on, and then go straight on and your therapist will meet you. Enjoy.” So I went through, and sure enough I found a locker. There was a robe in there, some slippers, just what I was expecting. But there was something I wasn’t expecting at all. A tiny packet of disposable… massage underwear. No man should be wearing these, let me tell you. There was a string that went round one hip, a string that went round the other, and then barely any fabric at all in the middle here. But, as I say, I’d never seen these disposable massage pants before. I assumed it was a face mask for my face. So the side stringy bits I hooked onto my ears, like this. And I put my face where my balls were supposed to be housed. Put the robe on, and the slippers, and I start coming down the corridor with these pants on my face. I got into the massage room, the girl was like… The pants are on your face!” I took it off, she’s like, “It’s the man from Paco Rabanne!” Isn’t it lovely, ladies and gentlemen, isn’t it nice, just… just for this… just for this… while we’re doing this show, to not be on our phones? But it’s nice, isn’t it? Look at all of us. It’s such a rarity. Look at us all. No one… No one’s on their phone. You probably used your phones to book your tickets for tonight. It’s very easy. You go online, you go to the theater. You can pick your seats. It’s all very easy to do when you’re booking things online. But there’s a weird thing that’s going on when you’re booking tickets. It doesn’t always happen, and nobody knows what the hell it’s all about. You’re booking your tickets online, and it suddenly just goes, “Are you a robot?” Extraordinary question. No one’s ever suspected I’m anything other human. And you tick the box and you go, “No, I’m not a robot. This is really weird, can we carry on?” And they go, “No.” The computer goes, “No, we can’t carry on. We’re going to have to run some tests to confirm that you are human and not a robot.” And you think, “Well, this should be the easiest test I’ve ever taken. I’m gonna ace this test. All I have to do is prove my humanity! I’ve br– I’ve– I’ve fathered other humans. I’m definitely not a robot. Come on, anything you’ve got. This is such a waste of time. What are the questions?” “Okay, so, here are some boxes. Which one is a shopfront?” “Oh. Why is this so difficult? Where are these creepy middle-American shops, anyway?” Sometimes the shop is bleeding into more than one box. What are we supposed to do? Do we just tick the main box or all the boxes around it? What are the rules of this robot quiz? So you go, “That one, that one, and I’m just guessing that one.” And you press send. It goes, “No. You got that wrong. We still suspect you might be a robot. How are you with bridges?” “I don’t know. I thought I was good at shops!” Sometimes I get so many wrong in a row, I’m like, “Darling, am I a robot? You would tell me?” My kids, I realized the other day, they don’t even know of a time when there was no internet. Their whole life, they’ve had internet. They can’t fathom how– They ask the question, “How did you survive?” And I have no answer. “I don’t really remember. I don’t really remember.” But we can think back now to the dawn of the internet. Remember those first few years, when we always said “www.” Before every website? What a waste of time that was. Why did it take us three years to realize all the websites start with www? “You can get us at our website, www.amazon.com.” “It’s www.ebay.com.” “Www.tripadvisor.com.” Some of them must be so painful. The World Wrestling Federation. “You can catch us on our website, www.wwwf.com.” Every day having to say that shit. The World Wildlife Fund. “Of course, don’t forget to donate, at www.wwwf.com.” We must have wasted a fortnight of our lives just going, “wwwwww…” And think back, think back now, now that the internet is so much a part of our lives, think back… think back to our first password, because our minds, our brains are so filled with passwords. It’s such a struggle for us to remember all the passwords. We go to businesses online and you go, “I can’t remember. I can’t remember my password.” And you put it in. Sometimes they lock you out, and they go, “No, you’ve got one more try to remember your own password, you fucking idiot.” “Oh, God!” Or you click “I forgot it,” and they ask you questions about your life, and you don’t even remember the answers. They’re about your own life! “What is your favorite pet?” “Oh, no, I can’t believe I chose one.” The dog walks in, “If it isn’t me, I’m leaving. I’m literally walking out the door.” “Www.” Oh, the passwords. And at the beginning, we all had one password. It was our… It was our first password. We can nostalgically remember. And we used it for everything, every time we joined another business. “Can I have your password?” “Yes, you can, that is my special word.” And then… companies started getting quite rude. You would put your password in, and it would go, “Weak.” “Who are you to judge my special word?” They’re like, “Sorry, but the internet has become very popular, we need to strengthen your password.” And businesses would insist, “We must have from you a capital letter. I’m sorry, we will not be accepting passwords anymore unless it contains at least one capital letter. And we all momentarily considered our options before deciding to capitalize the first letter of our password. And for a period of time, that was fine. But the internet became even more popular, and then businesses started saying, “I’m afraid you cannot join unless you have at least one capital letter and at least one number.” Again, less than half a microsecond’s consideration before we collectively decided, “You shall be getting the number one… …and that will be at the end of my now capitalized password.” And, for a period of time, this was acceptable, until a whole new unexpected and exciting dawn emerged. A world of special characters. We didn’t even know what they were! And businesses would say, “We need a capital letter, we need a number, but we will also require a special character. And we clicked on the button, “Please, can I have some examples of these special characters which you now insist upon?” And we perused them. “There they are. I had no idea these characters were so special.” Until all of our eyes stopped upon… the exclamation mark. “You’re coming with me.” Which we then put at the end of our now capitalized password, just after the one. And it’s at this moment that everybody at the London Palladium is thinking, “I should probably change my password. I’m probably gonna do that tomorrow. Do that now. Need to think of another special word. Better get that changed.” But this is it, this is what’s happening, of course, in the 20, in the 20s, 2020s, in the 2020s. Technology will only improve. It’s supposed to make our lives easier. Sometimes, in my opinion, a little bit too easy. I just got a new car. Everything is automated. I don’t do a thing for myself in this car. It gets dark, the headlights come on on their own. It starts raining, the windscreen wipers come on on their own. But it means that you’re physically doing less in the car, and, let’s be honest, it all adds up. It all adds up if you get lazy and everything’s done for you. Like, there are young people here who use the expression, “Can you roll the window up? Can you roll the window down? Mum, roll the window up. Roll the window down.” But their whole lives, they’ve been pushing button like this. Pushing button. They know nothing… of the decades that we spent physically doing this shit. Not easy. Often it would get stuck. It was quite… Good for your bicep. Don’t need to go to the gym, just roll the window down. Sometimes when the window was all the way down, it would start raining. It would be amazing, a super-fast wind-up. The passenger one, leaning over and doing that. You could try them both at the same time if you were feeling confident. Don’t go to the gym. To move the seat in my new car, it’s all done by buttons. There’s a button next to the seat, you move it to go forward. You move it to go back. Errr. The back rest. Err, err, err-err. All pushing buttons. That’s all you’re doing with your fingers. Back in the day, of course, there’d be a lever between your legs. You’d lift it up and it would shoot you… …along rails into the backseat of the car. “Hello! I’m in the back now!” You could see the rails in front of you like a mini roller coaster in reverse. Then you’d have to shag your way… …to your favored driving position. Very good for your core. Often you would over-shag. You would over-shag all the way, whoa, to the steering wheel, then have to back-shag… …with sensitivity. Gentlemen of the ’70s were much better lovers. They’re always shagging up and down in the Cortina for practice, just to find their favored driving position. So I had a bit of a weird moment in the car the other day with, um… with my wife. Now, look… My relationship… and I don’t know if I speak for all men here, I feel like it’s a never-ending quest with my wife to find out what I’m supposed to be doing. I never quite know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. So we’re driving in the car, and she’s in the passenger seat. Very odd, this was. I go past a parking space, I realize I’ve gone past it, and I go, “Oh, I need to reverse.” So I do a classic move, we’ve all seen this, I put my arm around her, sort of, you know, lean up like that. You know, just sort of… You know. And then reverse, quite fast. And then wind it into a space, nice. Felt pretty good, decent maneuver. Didn’t think much of it, didn’t make a thing. My wife looks at me and she goes, “Ooh. “I find that really sexy.” I had no idea what she was talking about. I’m looking outside the car, “What? What happened? Did something– What are you talking about?” She said, “I’ve always found that really sexy, when men do that.” “What men? What men are you talking about? Who are these sexy men? What are you talking about?” She said, “Just when you reverse like that, I’ve always found that really sexy and you don’t normally do that.” “Do what? What are you… What are you talking about?” “Just when you put your arm around me and then reverse really fast. Ooh, I’ve always found that really sexy.” I’m sorry, but I’ve been focusing mainly… in the bedroom for the last 20 years of our relationship to arouse you. It would have taken me a billion years before I attempted maneuvers in the car… …as part of foreplay. “What’s the plan for date night? Shall we just drive around in reverse and you tell me when you’re up for it?” I’m happy to do that now, seeing as we’re here. She said, “Michael, I can’t help what I find sexy.” I said, “Well, is there anything else really weird that you find sexy that I should know about?” She said, “Let me have a think.” I said, “Please do.” She said, “Oh, there is one thing that men do.” “Sorry, who are the men which you speak of?” “It’s just that you don’t do it, Michael.” “Do what?” She said, “You know when men take their sweater off, take their jumper off, and just reach behind their back, and then… just take it off in one go.” She said, “Oh. Ohh.” She starts moaning. “Ohh. I find that really sexy.” “I’m sorry, what are you talking about?” “They just reach behind their back, and then just take their jumper off.” “You don’t find my way sexy? When I get the sleeves and I… …slowly and expertly work my way up… And then you have to pull it off.” She said, “As a matter of fact, I do not… find that sexy.” So I thought, “Fine, I’m gonna put this to the test.” Banked it, yeah? Few weeks later, date night. Went out, good night, few drinks, nice meal. Came home, kids are asleep, happened to be in a sweater. Thought, “I’m gonna bloody go for it.” I didn’t realize it would be difficult. I didn’t realize I had to practice this move. Nor did I realize it was one of the tighter necklines in my wardrobe. So I just reached behind my back and I just went for it, I pulled as hard as I could, and my head got stuck in the ring. It was like I was being born very slowly. A definite forceps delivery. Also, and I was w– I was upset about this, my shirt came up with the jumper, so my tummy was just wobbling around in the open. And this was after dinner. “Don’t fill up on bread, Michael.” “But it’s hot, it’s warm.” “Are you gonna finish those potatoes? They’re so yummy, shame to go to waste.” “Shall we share a dessert?” “Fuck that, I’ll have my own.” “Petit fours? Don’t mind if I do!” And I was pulling it so hard to keep it sexy. It took a while, and I finally popped out the top. She wasn’t there, she’d fucked off. “Babe? I did the sexy jumper thing. You missed it! I thought we could drive around in reverse for a bit and then maybe go to bed?” So here, ladies and gentlemen… …is a bit of an overshare. Hashtag… “Too much information.” I said to her after all this stuff, I said, “Babe… Babe… Babe… I’m tired of this trial and error approach. Why don’t– We should just communicate. Why don’t you just tell me, after all these… Let’s just talk about it, just tell me, what really turns you on. She went, “What, really?” I was like, “Ooh.” “Whatever that is, I wanna know!” “What really turns you on?” She went, “For real?” “Yes.” “You really wanna know?” “Yes. “Seriously?” “Yes, just tell me.” “For real?” “Yes.” She went… “Black men.” “How exactly am I supposed to work that into our anniversary, darling?” Despite this, things are going well. Um… Still together. Kids are growing up. Um… Ozzy, my youngest, he’s, uh… he’s still a kid, really. I mean, my… Lucas is 14 now, Ozzy’s like 11. So he’s still a little boy. And he’s… he’s a very bright, amazing boy. He needs to get off, he needs to get of the Xbox. He has to get off the Xbox. Completely bloody addicted to playing his bloody Xbox. And I come in there all the time, “Come on, off. I said five minutes, it’s been 45 minutes. You were lucky to get away with that. Off.” He’s like, “I’m coming in a minute, Dad. I’ll be there in a…” Sorry. That’s not his voice, I don’t know who that was! He is far more middle class than that, let me tell you! “I’ll be there momentarily, Papa. Just give me a few more minutes and I’ll… I’ll be wrapping up shortly. Post-haste.” I don’t know who that first kid was! “‘Ello, mate, I’m your son. Does that come as a surprise?” “I’ve been meaning to ask you, Dad, how come I’m from the East End… …and you’re Chinese? I can’t get my head around this. What kind of a family am I living in? What kind of a family? And I’ve just seen Mom reversing down the road with a black geezer. What’s happening? I saw a sweater flung out the window. She looked happy. Happier than in a while, I gotta tell. Big grin on her face.” Don’t know who that is, sorry. So he’s always, “I’ll get off in a minute.” Always “in a minute.” I don’t think he knows what “in a minute” means. It’s one word, “inaminute”. “You’ll come off now, all right? Dinner’s on the table.” “I’m coming, I can’t… In a minute, it’s a really important game. He plays this shooting game, this Fortnite rubbish. “It’s a really important game, all right?” “Pause it, then.” “I can’t pause it, Dad. It won’t pause. You can’t pause it. I can’t…” “You can pause it! I’m putting my foot down! You need to pause it.” “I can’t pause it. I’d– I’d have to kill myself.” “Darling, it’s not that serious.” “No, I mean on the game. I’d have to kill myself on the game.” “Then kill yourself, I don’t care!” This is what happens now every night in my house. I call up the stairs, “Ozzy! Kill yourself, it’s dinner! Get your friend to shoot you! It’s Bolognese, getting cold.” Truth is, he doesn’t respect me. I have no control over him whatsoever. He runs rings around me. He only listens to his mother. He laughs in my face. Every time I raise my voice… The other day I was like, “Come on, it’s bedtime now. Have you brushed your teeth?” He was like, “Dad, Dad, there’s no need to shout. I’m standing right here. I can hear you. Calm down.” He said to me, “Are you tired or something? Are you tired?” “I suppose a little bit, I am a little bit tired.” The other day he said to me, “Is your blood sugar level low? Do you need a snack?” “Yeah, I suppose. I mean, I am a bit hungry.” He sent me to my room to lie down. The big news in our house is, uh… Well, we’ve got… we’ve got a dog. We’ve never had a dog before. There’s dog fans! Got a little fluffy… Got a little fluffy dog. Little fluffy, lovely little fluffy dog. Mr. McFluffintyre. He’s a very nice… fluffy, fluffy dog. He’s very loving. You know why he’s loving? Because that’s his nature. Different breeds of dogs have different natures. I went to– It was like buying a car. I went on this website, www. Something… www.whatkindofdog.com. Uh… It tells you about the different breeds, all the characteristics, and how much you need to walk them, and how much exercise they need, how much you feed them, whether they molt and all this stuff. And there was a category for love, how loving are they? How much do they love people? And it was all rated out of five stars, and I was only considering dogs that got five stars for love. Why would you bring an animal into your home if it doesn’t love you the fullest? And five-star love dogs, there’s, you know, golden retrievers, Labradors, and my dog, the little fluffy Norfolk terrier. He’s a five-star love dog. And you can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, it’s unbelievable. He’s like, “I love you so much.” I’m gonna give him a Norfolk accent. He’s a Norfolk terrier. I don’t know how he speaks, but I assume if he did, he would. “I love you so much. Thank you so much for being my master. Thank you so much for letting me live in your house. I love what you’ve done with the place, it’s magnificent. Absolutely beautiful. You could be an interior designer if you put your mind to it. I think you could do anything if you put your mind to it. When I look at you, I feel the same way as an Asian woman does when she looks at you. I’m absolutely obsessed with you. I think you’re amazing. I love the way, when you reach up high, your jacket squeezes up like boobs. I love it when I hear you getting up in the night and I listen for you peeing. ‘He’s up again!’ What a character! I love it when you come out the bath and you’ve got two red feet, one red arm and a couple of red balls. I just love it. I miss you when you’re away. I get worried about you getting bitten by sharks in Australia. I worry about you slipping on that big dick on the sex floor. I know you’re not a robot. You’re one of the most genuine people I’ve ever known in my entire life. I love you. I’m obsessed. You know when you go out the house? I… I know it’s irrational, but I worry that you might be dead. I get it in my head that he’s only gone and died, my master, the true love of my life’s gone and died on me. And then when you come home, I’m the happiest dog in the whole wide world ’cause I’m a five-star love dog!” That’s my dog. Five stars. Very loving. I went on the website to see dogs that don’t get five stars for love. One star, the chihuahua. Those little Mexican dogs with the googly eyes, they don’t like people. ‘Cause you run into different breeds of dogs, because you take the dog, dog owners know this, you take them to the park and they want to sniff around and stuff, they want to meet other dogs. And they see them. It’s amazing when they spot each other. And basically, what they want to do, well, what my dog wants to do, is have a little, very brief encounter with the other dog which involves smelling each other’s balls and then carrying on. It’s very odd. He goes up to a dog, “Excuse me, mate, is it all right if I smell your balls?” Then the other dog goes, “Yeah, whatever,” and then they… And then he’s, “Have a go on mine.” And then they go, “Thanks for that,” and then they just carry on. And they spot each other from miles away. And the other dog looks at him. And then, sometimes, dogs are mean. They don’t want to smell, ’cause he’s a little puppy. Some German shepherd will be coming along like this, “I’m the German shepherd. I’m the German shepherd.” My dog goes, “Is it alright if I have a quick sniff on the balls?” “Absolutely not, you silly little puppy. Look at the size of you. You couldn’t even get up to my magnificent balls if you tried! You think I’m going to stoop to your mini balls? Disgusting! Stay away from my balls!” Get a French poodle come along. “I’m the French poodle.” My dog comes. “Excuse me, I was wondering if I could get a… I just got quite badly treated by a German shepherd. I was wondering if I could get a quick sniff on your balls?” “Before Brexit, it would have been fine, but I’m not happy. I don’t think you made the right decision, no. You have not made the right decision. You know? Maybe before, but now I don’t like it. The way you vote is very rude to the French people. You’re not part of this anymore, you know? You want free movement of people? Well, you don’t get free movement of your nose to my balls, not anymore. Get away from the balls.” Afghan hound coming over. “Please, don’t touch my… In normal circumstances I would, but things very difficult in my country. I have to go home. Very many unrest in my region. I must go watch CNN. Please, balls are not available right now.” Once in a while you get lovely dogs, like a little Scottish terrier comes along. “Ooh, hello! Ah, fucking feast on those, pal! Get your face right in! Go on, I’m in no rush whatsoever! I’ll have a go on yours in a minute. Just enjoy! Get right the fuck in there, pal!” But chihuahuas? Oh, every time… Every time you see a chihuahua, the owner’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful! He’s a bit nippy.” And you can see it in his eyes. I’d be like, “Of course– of course he’s a bit nippy, he’s a one-star love dog. Do your research.” See him going, “I’m a one-star love dog, I don’t know why she bought me. I don’t like her. I don’t like other people. Why she not do her research on the internet? When she tries to come close to me, I try to bite her, ’cause I don’t like her face, I don’t like her children, her husband. You know when she goes out of the house, I hope she’s dead. I do, I pray for her death. And get me out of your handbag, you fucking witch!” One star. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out and sharing this super fun night with me! Thank you very much! Goodnight! Bravo! Yay! Nice people! Thank you! Thank you at the top! Thank you, lovely people! Thank you! Thank you all! Goodnight! Bravo! Woo-hoo!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Craig Ferguson: A Wee Bit o’ Revolution (2009) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-a-wee-bit-o-revolution-transcript/

July 4th, 2008 Boston, Mass. [Drumming] I arrived here in 1995, a broken-down vaudevillian from the old country. But I arrived in America. Here’s what America asked of me–nothing. And I was free. Free of my own past. Free to succeed. Free to fail. America did not even ask me to be a citizen. I chose to be a citizen. Whatever mistakes we make along the way, we, the people, always correct them. We, the people, the citizens of the United States of America, are its voice. We are its soul. We are its expression. Our leaders are but servants to our voice. That is our glorious revolution. [Rock music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] Aah! Oh! [Laughs] oh-ho! Yeah! Finally! Finally! Finally! Finally I got to be at the Wilbur theatre in Boston. [Laughter, cheers, applause] The Wilbur! [As Mr. Ed] the Wilbur! When I was back in the old country, I was like, “one day I’m gonna grow up, I’m gonna grow up, I’m gonna get there. I’m gonna go to America, I’m gonna go to Boston. I’m gonna be in the Wilbur.” “You’ll never get to the Wilbur. You ain’t good enough! You’ll never get to the Wilbur!” “I will too get to the Wilbur. I will!” And it’s just as I imagined. It’s just as I imagined. The Wilbur theatre with the dripping asbestos and the crappy shit everywhere. It’s exactly the overpriced death trap I thought it would be. I’m so happy. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. This is a stinky-ass theatre. I love it! I feel comfortable. It’s like dirty pants. I’m very happy to be back in Boston. You know what, when you say to people in Hollywood, “I’m gonna do the stand-up special in Boston,” they’re like, “are you crazy? You can’t do it in Boston. That place is full of surly drunks!” I’m like, “that’s my family you’re talking about.” “They’re all angry and Celtic and half in the bag.” I’m like, “yes, exactly.” I feel at home. It’s the first time I’ve been back here since I’ve been a citizen. First time I’ve done stand-up. Yeah! Out here in Boston where it all began. I know. Isn’t that awesome? You know the thing that I think is so great? Like I became a citizen in January, right? By April of the same year, I’m hosting the White House correspondents’ dinner. I mean, that’s amazing, isn’t it? Like, me there and the president of the United States– me at the table, the president of the United States! Now, admittedly, it’s George W. Bush, but the president of the United States of America. And he was–I gotta be honest with you. I know– now that it’s all kinda gone, he was really nice to me and friendly, which makes things a little awkward. You know, ’cause I’m ready to say my thing and tell him a thing or two, and he’s like, “hey, buddy, how you doing? Want a soda?” I’m like, “yeah, okay, I guess I’ll have a soda.” And he knows. He’s very self-aware. He was like, “yeah,” you know, “people don’t like me anymore.” I’m like, “mm-hmm.” And it’s kinda awkward, you know, ’cause he’s the most unpopular president in the history of presidents, and that’s the one I get my photograph taken with. It’s kinda weird ’cause he’s kinda like, “come on, Craig, let’s have a photograph.” And I’m like, “no, you’re busy, sir. You got stuff to do. You gotta be there. I’m sure you’ve got legislation and…” ‘Cause that photograph, you know what’s gonna happen. I have a son. He’s seven-years-old. He’s gonna grow up. He’s gonna see a photograph of me and George W. Bush, and he’s gonna go, “dad? Dad, what is this? There’s a photograph of you and George W. Bush.” I’ll be like, “son, this was before the trial. “It was before the trial. We didn’t know… We didn’t know.” He was funny. In a funny way. No, he’s all right. It was fine, just– you know, when I was talking at that thing– and I’ve been talking a lot recently about, you know, I love America, I love America, I love America and I do. F*ck it. I do. And, you know, it’s kinda like, you know, when people– like they become a catholic in later life, so they feel they have to be extra catholic to catch up on people who have just been catholic-ing along, you know. Like, “oh, yeah. It’s the fish and the Friday and the pope, “the holy father and the smoke and the Irish accent and the marching.” That’s like me with America. Everyone else is like, “hmm, I don’t know about the foreign policy.” I’m like– [hums presidential march] I don’t care. As much as I love it, by the way, it’s nothing compared to people in the old country. They’re crazy for America. They love it. I thought I was buying a house in California. I wasn’t. I was buying a vacation destination for half of Scotland. I have people calling me up. I don’t think they’re family. I don’t even think they’re Scottish. They’re like, “yes, hello. It is your cousin, Pierre.” You know what, as much as they love Scotland, by the way, the people in the old country, you know, the one who has it the worst is my mother. My mother loves America a little too much, frankly. She’s kinda like America’s stalker. She is. She’s got pictures of her and America photoshopped on her myspace page and everything. [High-pitched voice] this is me and America, uh-huh. We do it to annoy each other. She’s nuts for it. I remember, when I first picked her up in Los Angeles, she came to the airport– the first time I was driving her around the town, and she’s like, “oh, son, this is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it!” Apparently, my mother used to be on Monty Python for some reason this evening. Ooh, hi, son. Ooo-ha-ha, oop. She was like–I’m driving around the town, she’s like, “son, son, this is amazing. Is that the Empire State Building?” I’m like, “mom, this is Los Angeles. That’s an international house of pancakes.” “Whoo! International pancakes! “Oh, they think of everything in America. “In Scotland you only get Scottish pancakes. In America pancakes from all over the world.” I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression about my mother, by the way– I love her. It’s none of that sub-freudian stand-up shit with me about my mother– I love my mom. But she is kind of a little bit what doctors are calling “clinically insane,” a little bit. Oh, it’s not really. She’s kinda like– you know what, she’s like an acid casualty who never took acid, just straight to casualty. No “summer of love” in the ’60s, no Vietnam, just–[babbles]. She’s–she’s–she’s not crazy. She just–she’s one of those people who– that says something and it sounds like it makes sense, and you go, “mm-hmm, yes, I see your point now, very…” And then a couple of seconds later, you’re like, “what the f–? No.” Like, you get a minute or two and go, “n–no.” I tell you the first time I noticed it was– I was about five years old, and I was living with her at the time. I was between jobs. And–you hear me, college? So I was between jobs. I was living with my mom. It was kind of embarrassing. And what happened was, we had a fruit bowl in our house, and–’cause we were– we were wealthy for our neighborhood there was fruit in the fruit bowl. And my mother saw me eat two bananas in a row– one banana, then another banana. And she was like, “Craig, if you eat one more banana, you will turn into a banana.” I was five. It freaked the shit out of me! Plus, plus, she’d seen me eat two bananas. There were another two bananas she knew nothing about. [Mouthing words] I was walking around like a time bomb for years. “Oh, my god, here it comes. Oh no, it’s just gas, thank god.” It sounds like it makes sense. Doesn’t make any sense at all. Here’s her favorite one. She loves to say this. “Craig, I cannot do eight things at once. I am not an octopus.” Oh, what does that mean? “Well, you know, I can’t make your breakfast “and clean the garage and answer the phone. I’m not an octopus.” An octopus can’t do that. An octopus can’t breathe above water! Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it’s that kind of thing. She says regular mother things, regular, just, you know, common garden mother things. “Put that down! You could take someone’s eye out with that.” “Oh, it’s all fun until someone’s eye gets gouged out.” “Oh, look out for your eyes!” “We’re playing checkers.” “Yeah, but eyes get lost during checkers.” Mother’s obsessed with gouging out eyes. And she would say it about, you know, things in the house that you couldn’t take someone’s eye out with, even in an emergency. If–yes, there could be an emergency where someone’s eye had a bomb inside it, and the miniature people and the craft couldn’t get to in time, and you had to– yeah, it could happen. I always imagined in the middle of a big scary eye operation, you know, with the big overhead lights and everyone very serious and jaw lines and Coldplay and, you know, grey’s anatomy. [Singing nonsense] in the middle of a big operation with all the drama and the tension and the–“scalpel.” “Scalpel.” “Forceps.” “Forceps.” “Eye-poppy-out thing.” “I’m sorry, doctor, we can’t find the eye-poppy-out-thing.” “Well, never mind. “Send Ron to Mrs. Ferguson’s house. “Get the snow globe from the kitchen table. “Apparently, you can take someone’s eye out with that. [Grunts] “come on! Come on! “Goddamn it! “Not on my watch! “Come on! I’m not ready to play god today! “Come on! Oh, look at that–Montreal. Come on!” She then–though my mother, she did say the one thing that finally got me out of Scotland. She said, “get out of Scotland.” She didn’t. She didn’t say that. The police– the police said that. What happened was that, when I was being a– when I was a little boy and I was being naughty and making faces and kind of– kind of what I do for a living now. Take that, college grads. “Now, you went to Emerson to get into show business, didn’t you? “Did they teach you faces at Emerson? You’re gonna need that.” No, when I was making faces when I was a kid, she used to say, “Craig, if the wind changes, your face will stay like that.” I was like, “really? Hmm. “This could be my ticket out of this dump. I will hang around in places of uncertain wind direction… “Pretending to be Sean Connery. ‘Yes. Your plans for world domination are sadly mistaken.” And I’ll be away. I’ll be off.” Sean Connery is a god– a god in Scotland. He’s a god everywhere, my goodness. What is he? Like 95-years-old, the sexiest man alive? Why the hell is that happening? Young women, 25, 35 years-old, “oh, Sean Connery’s so sexy.” He’s got a walker, for Christ’s sake. “That’s right, here comes daddy. “Oh-ho-ho, yeah. “Eh! Eh! “Oh-ho-ho. He-hee. I’m too sexy for my shirt.” I love Sean Connery. You know, I love Sean Connery. You know why? Because he doesn’t mess around with acting. He doesn’t show off acting. He’s a movie star! When Sean Connery is in– plays an Irish cop in the Untouchables, he’s like, “yeah, that’s right. I’m an Irish cop, begorrah.” When he plays a Russian submarine commander in The Hunt for Red October, he’s like, “yes, that’s right. I’m a Russian submarine commander.” “You know it. I know it. “I’m Sean Connery. “You’re lucky I’m in this piece of shit. Now let’s get on with it.” It’s awesome. I love him in every movie I’ve seen him in, I think he’s fantastic, and for me, he’s the only James Bond. They shouldn’t make other James Bond movies. That’s not right. You can make movies about British spies. They can call him Simon Bond or Nigel Bond, anything you want. But James Bond is Sean Connery, a big hairy man. “Argh! I’m a secret agent.” Very hairy, Sean Connery. There’s a guy that had a couple of bananas when his mother wasn’t looking, I think. He’s very hairy, Sean Connery. In fact, I think one of the early bond movies, I think it was “dr. No”, he’s lying in his hotel bed in the Caribbean, and a giant hairy spider crawls across his chest. Might not even have been a spider. It might have been just a breeze in the hotel room. Made myself laugh. “Oh, for god’s sake, a tarantula! Oh, no. I just left the window open, that’s all right.” He’s very hairy, Sean Connery, and I think James Bond should be hairy. That new James Bond, I don’t like him at all. He’s been waxed. There’s not a hair on him. When he does that scene he walks out of the water, he’s like a gay dolphin when he walks out there. [Sings bond theme] “I’m undercover.” I love Sean Connery. I love Sean in every single movie I’ve seen him in, even the movie Rising Sun. The movie Rising Sun is the movie in which Sean Connery speaks Japanese. It’s awesome. I learned it. He says this. And I quote, he says– [speaks Japanese]. And all the Japanese people are like, “what the f*ck? I got ‘something, something potato.’ What did you get?” There’s only one movie I have a slight problem with Sean Connery in, and it’s the movie the Highlander, about the eternal Scottish warrior, and in this movie, Sean Connery plays a Spaniard. Doesn’t anybody think about this shit at all? Ever? And Sean tries his best. He tries to be Spanish in the movie. He’s like, “como estas, everybody? I enjoy taquitos.” Can I just ask this a second? What is that thing when guys are trying to be tough that they feel their own balls? What the hell is that? They go, “you want a piece of me, huh?! Huh?” [Grunting] I don’t have to keep doing this. I’m just enjoying myself now. [Grunts] “What did you do at work today, daddy?” [Grunts] I’ve never understood what is so tough about touching your own balls. You think you’re tough, come here and touch my balls, pal, we’ll see how tough you are. You wanna touch my balls, you better be tough. Or gorgeous. Or both. I don’t give a shit. You can take the boy out of Europe, but you can’t take… You know, I’ve noticed, actually, when I do do that, I have to reach lower and lower every night. What the hell is that? Soon it’ll just be, “oh, come on, fellas, let’s get out of here.” It’s awful. I know I’ve got white hair in my head, right? White hair. I can see it. I know it’s there. I’ve got this white hair coming in on my chest. You know what’s next. I don’t need to be distinguished down there. I don’t want a wise, old c0ck. I don’t want– I don’t want a wise, old c0ck. Oh, young c0cks coming from other parts of the country for advice? “Tell us, wise old c0ck, what was it like in your day?” “Well, in my day, I could reach right out “and touch my testicles. Now I don’t even know where they are.” It’s horrible getting old. Sometimes when I, like, come out of the shower, and the bathroom is all steamy and I look in the mirror, I’m like, “oh, grandpa, do you have a message “from beyond the–oh, f*ck! What the–who the hell are you?” What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Sean Connery. Yeah. He plays the Spanish guy in the Highlander. And you know who plays the Scottish guy in the Highlander is Christopher Lambert, who is from Belgium. There’s actually a scene in that movie where the two of them are in a little row boat, and they’re gonna cross loch ness, which is what Scottish people do. They don’t have tivo. They’re gonna cross loch ness, and Sean Connery says to Christopher Lambert– this is in the movie– he says, “so, tell me about this homeland of yours, Scotland, “for I know nothing of it, being from Spain. “For example, what is this thing you people eat, this haggis? What is this haggis?” And Christopher Lambert says, “well, a haggis is a sort of tasty sausage, you know. “Is nice with chocolate, maybe, or a waffle. I don’t really know.” But I think Sean Connery was the reason I came to America ’cause Sean Connery used to deliver milk when he was a kid, and I used to deliver milk when I was a kid. So hey, presto, I thought, “James f*cking Bond.” Apparently not. That–and the reason why I fell in love with America is that I came here for the first time at a very impressionable age. I came here when I was 13-years-old. My father and I got a cheap flight over from Scotland to visit my uncle James and my aunt Susan, who had emigrated in the ’50s. They live in long island, in New York, and so we came out to see them. They came over on a tramp steamer, which has nothing to do with Paris Hilton. It’s just the way people used to go over from the old country. “Oh, Craig.” “I know.” “Well, that’s a cheap shot.” “It is a cheap shot, but she’s a cheap broad.” “You’re right.” Anyway, so we came over to visit my uncle James and my aunt Susan. And when the plane landed at JFK, when I came out of that plane, the first time I saw America, it was like– [singing]. It was like an Enya album or something. I was like, “oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.” It was like that bit in Star Trek when Kirk sees the alien he’s gonna have sex with. It was like, “oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.” I couldn’t believe it. Just the whole visual experience, the colors, just the colors. The reds, the blues, the green. Where I come from, damp is a f*cking color! “Oh, those are nice pants. Do you have them in damp?” “Hmm, I like your car. I think I’d like one of those in damp.” It was awesome. I loved it the minute I got here. And you know what really did it? You know what really kind of– I was like, “hah, wow”? The teeth. 10, 20, 30 Teeth. Per mouth, I’m talking, per mouth. People would, “hi, son, welcome to America. He-he-he-hey!” I was like, “what the hell is this? Is this a cartoon?” “Yeah! Hi-hi-hi-hi. He-he-he-he.” I was like, “hey!” And then the gum. I’d never had gum. Gum! They’re like, “here, try some gum.” “Gum?” “Yeah, gum, you know, you chew it. When the flavor goes away, just spit it out.” When the flavor goes away in Scottish food, that means it’s ready. Yeah. He-he-hey. And the money in this country, my god. You had these giant buildings that you put up with long, thin shiny floors with pins at one end. You’d roll a ball, knock over the pins. For no f*cking reason that anybody can think of. I’m like, “why are we doing this?” Like, “we don’t even know! He-he-hey! Strike! It passes the time between dental visits, I guess.” I was like, I just– I loved it, man, the minute I got here. And I think, you know, during that vacation, what happened was I had a light bulb moment– Oprah. I would never say anything against Oprah, by the way. Never, ever. I’m in show business. [Imitates heartbeat] Oh, no, no, please. No, I love Oprah. But anyway, what happened was– we’ll get back to it later. All right, so what happened was that during that vacation, what happened is I went to my first ever rock concert. I went with my teenage cousins, regular Americans who were born here, a little older than me. Actually, they took me to their high school for one day. I went to Smithtown high school in Long Island for one day. They had show-and-tell, and I was show-and-tell. “Could you do something Scottish?” “I’m cautious with money.” “There you are, kids. We all learned something.” So what happened was that I went to my first ever rock concert with my teenage cousins. And I just loved it. We went in a car, which we hadn’t stolen. Teenagers in a car, which we had not stolen. I underlined that for you. It might mean nothing to you toothy bastards, but to me– we went to see a band called Blue Oyster Cult. Oh, man. And I was amazed. I was amazed in this country of America, where there was so much money and wealth, and you spit the food out when the flavor has gone away, and all that stuff. Yet four teenagers at a rock concert all have to share the same cigarette? So I was watching the band, and the band, they’re giving it, ♪ Don’t fear the reaper, Romeo and Juliet ♪ ♪ You can kill yourself and it’s all cool ♪ ♪ And then I’m looking down the line at my cousin, Karen ♪ ♪ And she’s smoking a doobie in that funny way ♪ ♪ That teenagers do so that everybody knows ♪ ♪ They’re smoking a doobie ♪ ♪ And then it’s coming down the line and it’s coming to me ♪ ♪ And I’m a teenager ♪ ♪ And I watch what they’re doing ♪ ♪ And I want to fit in, so I do what they’re doing ♪ ♪ And i– ♪ “that rock-and-roll makes you hungry, doesn’t it? “We should get raisin bran.” “Count chocula?” “Rookie.” “Raisin bran.” And that was it. That was the moment for me. I thought, “oh, yes. This is my light bulb moment.” I thought, “from this moment on I will dedicate my life “to drugs and rock-and-roll. What can possibly go wrong?” ‘Cause it works so well for everyone else who does that. Anyway, the vacation ended, and I had to go back to Scotland, but I didn’t wanna go back. It was like, “please, please, can I stay? There’s still some flavor left in my gum.” They’re like, “no, no, go work up the chimneys, you little bastard. Go on, get the hell out of here.” I’m like, “please, no, no.” “No, get out of here! Give us our cigarette back.” I didn’t wanna go back. I was like, “I don’t wanna go to that f*cking country, “one tooth every three f*cking miles. I wanna stay in America.” And I swore to myself, a blood oath. I thought, “the second I can, I’m going back. “I’m gonna live in America. I’m gonna live in America. “I’m gonna work hard day and night. “I’m gonna take five jobs. I’m gonna get money. And I’m gonna go to America.” And then what happened is I noticed in my local newspaper that there was an ad for a band that were coming to play in Glasgow, a band that I really loved at that time, a band called Deep Purple. Do you remember deep purple? Oh, man, I loved that! You know with that– [sings guitar riff] I loved that. So I got a ticket for the show. This is when you bought the ticket three months ahead of the concert. You put it up on your bedroom wall, your buddies came over, you played the album, you’re like– [sings guitar riff] “they’re coming.” And then I thought, “wait, I can’t go to a rock concert without drugs. It won’t be the same.” And it’s not. Now this was Scotland in the 1970s. You couldn’t get drugs– or at least I couldn’t. But I did know a guy. And this is true. You can’t make this shit up. I did know a guy whose older brother worked in a hospital, and he had access to chloroform, which, he assured me, was a drug. I’m like, “all right.” So I did a deal with the guy, got a little bottle of chloroform. Didn’t touch it. I did not touch it. I put it in the bedside cabinet. My buddies come over, I played the album. I’m like, ♪ drugs, drugs, drugs ♪ ♪ take it, take it, take it, oh, yeah ♪ [sings guitar riff] for months. Eventually the big day arrives. I take the bus into the concert hall. I’ve got the drugs in the front pocket. Ticket in the back pocket. [Sings guitar riff] I get to the show. The opening act are on. I join in with the rest of the kids. “You suck! You suck! Ha-ha-ha. You suck!” They didn’t expect us to do this. Eventually the big moment arrives. The guy goes, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Deep Purple.” They go– [sings guitar riff] I take out the chloroform, take a hit, black out. Chloroform doesn’t even get you high. You don’t even go– [laughs] and then black out. You’re just there, and then you’re not there. I suppose that is why it never really took off as a street drug. It’s very difficult to sell. “Hey, buddy, check it out.” “What do you got?” “Chloroform. You wanna try it?” “Yeah, sure.” “Ah, shit.” It’s probably why there’s no chloroform anonymous meetings. What the hell would you talk about? “I fell asleep.” “So did I. And when I woke up, nothing had happened.” “Exactly.” I’m not kidding. I woke up to Ritchie Blackmore saying, “thank you very much. Good night.” I missed the whole concert. Let that be a lesson to you kids: just say no to chloroform. If a pusher offers it to you. That’s right. So I managed to wean myself off chloroform a day at a time. Got on to the softer drugs– cocaine, alcohol. Took a bit of heroin. I didn’t get much into heroin. I took a little bit, but heroin had a very odd effect on me. It made me hungry. That doesn’t normally happen with heroin. And it really pisses off the junkies because I’d be like taking the heroin, and I was like, “oh, man, I’m hungry. Let’s order pizza.” They’re like, “you can’t order pizza. We’re on heroin!” And I’m like, “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know there were rules!” It’s like wearing white after labor day if you’re a junkie. Pizza on heroin? [Gasps] The shame! So it was pretty much alcohol and cocaine for me. I liked cocaine because it was a wonder drug that allowed you to drink more alcohol. Oh, some people that did cocaine and didn’t do alcohol, I’m like, “what kind of a freak are you?” Maybe that’s just me. Anyway, 20 years after the Deep Purple concert, I was in rehab. And that’s kinda how the story goes for me– really, a little bit. You know. I mean, stuff happened in between of course, you know. Alleged marriages… Crimes committed by a person or persons unknown. By the way, if you’ve never been to rehab, check your HMO. No, if you can, get along there. It’s hilarious. I loved it. I thought it was fantastic. I mean, you see people on dr. Phil like, “oh, rehab is so challenging for me, dr. Phil.” I’m like, “you’re an arse. It is not.” It’s fantastic! It’s fun. I loved it, especially the one I went to ’cause, you know, I’m an alcoholic. But they took everybody at this rehab. They took alcoholics. They took junkies, loads of junkies. They took overeaters, undereaters, gambling addicts, sex addicts. They are sensational, by the way. Get yourself a sex addict. These people cannot do enough for you. “I just wanna have sex all the time.” “Me too.” But I liked–there were a lot of junkies I was in with, and I liked being with the junkies. I enjoy a junkie. I think junkies are excellent fun to be around. They’re great people because–especially in rehab, because the junkies, god bless them, when they’re trying to get sober and clean, their self-esteem is so low, so low that they think an alcoholic is a step up. They’re impressed. They’re like, “alcoholic?” I’m like, “yes. Yes, in fact I am.” That smell of pee-pee that says “sophistication.” Really, you can lord it over them. It’s awesome. It’s like, “oh, you’re a junkie, are you? “I’m an alcoholic. Could you wash my car? “I have to go over here and do something alcoholic. “You wouldn’t understand. “There’s lots of equations and math, “and I have to use a pen. There’s a flow chart. It’s very complicated.” You can always tell when you’re getting better in rehab as well because you start being able to beat the junkies at jenga. “Your move, shaky.” “You’re like a god, man.” “No, just an alcoholic, thank you.” It’s awesome. Do you remember–do you remember–do you remember Oprah had that junkie on her show? What’s his name? James Frey. The guy that wrote A Million Little Pieces, the memoirs of a junkie. And it turns out, it was all pack of lies. It was a million little pieces of shit. And Oprah was horrified. No, America was horrified because a junkie had lied. Because if we can’t trust the junkies, then… Have you ever met a junkie? Lying is what they do. Drugs are a side effect. Talk to any junkie. “Are you smoking crack?” “Nope. “It’s a honey spirit. “Oh, that ain’t mine. That’s my sister’s hand. “She’s got a crack problem. It’s very embarrassing.” It was explained to me in rehab, the difference between an alcoholic and a junkie was this. An alcoholic will steal your purse to buy alcohol and then be consumed with guilt and remorse and drink themselves to death over it. A junkie will steal your purse and then help you look for it. Beautiful, beautiful. They are so much fun. I like them. Anyways, so I was in rehab, and I thought, you know, I had sobered up, and I did what I had to do. And I thought, there was something I was gonna do. What was it? I was gonna go live in America. I completely forgot. 20 Years of– [violent babbling] So that was the ’80s, and then– so what happened was, I get sober. I wanted to go to America, so I had to clean up my act. I had to pay some people back some money. I had to avoid some other people for a while–a long while. And then about– it was January 1995, I thought, “I’m sober now. I’ve got my life together. “I’m gonna go to Hollywood. “I’m gonna get into show business. “I am. I’m gonna go to America. “One day I’m gonna appear at the Wilbur theatre in Boston. I’m doing it.” So January 1995, I came to America. You know, I was very excited because the movie Braveheart had just come out. And I thought, “well, they’ll need Scottish people in America for the sequel.” I probably should have stayed till the end of the movie, when I think back now. But I got to–I got to Los Angeles January 25, 1995, and I had nothing when I got to this country. I spent my money on the ticket and that was it. I got there and–nothing. I had two suitcases when I left that airport. They weren’t even mine. I stole them. My first six weeks in this country, I wore a kimono. The wrong way, apparently. But that’s a tale for another night. No, it was terrifying. I was really– I had no support system, I had no money, I had nothing, you know, no job, no friends. I had a bank account. And in my bank account I had 27 cents. I don’t know if you’ve ever had 27 cents in your bank account, but you cannot get it out. Just when you really need it, you can’t f*cking have it. It doesn’t matter what you make up and what story you come up with. You go to the bank, “well, I have an investment opportunity. It’s a little high-risk. I don’t wanna go in too deep. Maybe 25–oh, what the hell, 27 cents. We’ll see how it rolls.” It was terrifying. I had nothing. Eventually, though, I got this manager guy, this guy called Rick in Hollywood. He was called Rick. And he said, “don’t worry. I’ll get you a job.” And he did kind of in a way. He got me a script to audition for a pilot tv show. You know a pilot tv show? It’s a show they make in the spring for a series they’re gonna cancel in the fall. It’s kind of the tryout show. It’s a tradition in television. They do it every year. And so he got me a script for a pilot they were doing of a show called Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields. Do you remember that show? Yeah. You remember I wasn’t on it. I’ve got feelings. Well, here’s what happened. I get this script for this pilot. And they mark on the script the part they want you to audition for, the part of the actor, you know, they use a highlighter pen. And the part they wanted me to audition for, I’m not kidding, was the part of the Hispanic photographer. I said to Rick, “are you shitting me? “I’m the least Hispanic person in America. There are Osmonds that are more Hispanic than me.” He was like, “no one gives a shit. “You’re foreign. Didn’t you see the Highlander? Just go, nobody cares.” And I didn’t have a job, so what was I gonna do? I tried. I tried to get to look a little more Latino. I grew a little beardy thing. It didn’t look good. It looked like I’d been eating chocolate ice cream or my teeth were metal and there were iron filings around or something. And then I tried to do a Latino accent, and that was–oh, man. I went to the audition, and there were a bunch of guys outside who all looked like Antonio Banderas. And I said, “como estas, everybody?” And then they all said stuff. I was like, “oh, yeah.” I don’t know. And then it comes my turn to go in for the audition, and–and the Hollywood audition, it’s a very– there’s a set of manners that go with it. It’s a very kind of passive- aggressive situation. The producers pretend that they’re too busy to look at you. So what they do is they are busily doing something, you know, with paper and stuff, and you go in, and they say “okay, actor boy, start your acting.” And then I started doing my Latino accent, and they were like… “No, you gotta come in here. “Trust me. Yeah, it’s f*cking ‘Ripley’s believe it or not.’ Come on. Come on.” And people are coming in, lots of people, all the Antonio Banderas guys, the security guards, people that don’t work there anymore. They’re all–and they were laughing and laughing and laughing. At the end of it, the producer said, “well, that was hilarious, but not really in the way we’re looking for, so thanks.” I was like– and as I was leaving, this guy called Tony Sepulveda, who was head of Warner Brothers casting– and Warner Brothers make all these different shows– he said, “that’s the worst Latino accent I’ve ever heard.” I went, “mm-hmm.” He said–“but,” he said, “we are doing a show with a fat guy from Cleveland. Can you do an English accent?” I know. That’s true. That’s true. He said, “can you do an English accent?” I said, “si, senor. Yes I can.” And that’s how I spent the next eight years of my life on The Drew Carey Show. I was like, “oh, Carey, you’re fired. “Mimi, you’re lovely. [Singing] “oh, I’m English, I’m English. “I wear ladies’ underwear. “I’m sexually not threatening to American men. “I don’t really scare anybody at all. I’m so English.” By the way, if you are English or even if you just know some English people, they will tell you that is the worst English accent that has ever been on television. But in my defense, I see it as revenge for Star Trek, so f*ck you, okay? I’m sorry. Scotty in Star Trek was the only one we couldn’t understand back in the old country. I didn’t know he was meant to be Scottish. I thought he was a Pakistani guy that had a stroke. “It’s gonna take a lot of physics” what? What did he say? “We’re out of dilithium crystals.” “Oh, Jim, she canna handle it.” What? “Warp factor 12.” Oh, that man, isn’t he brave? Anyway, so I got this job on The Drew Carey Show, and it was awesome. And Drew Carey, what a lovely man he is. I know you probably think that Drew Carey is just a fat guy that likes fried food and strippers. And you’re right, he is. He’s awesome. What you see is what you get. [Sirens wail] anyway, they were fantastic to me, these people. Drew–f*ck, the cops. Go. Oh, it’s all right. I still got it! Still got it! Ho! Do you know the first year I was sober, I carried around a gram of coke just in case? Isn’t that crazy? Yeah, thanks. Anyway, I got this job on The Drew Carey Show, and I made all these friends. They were so nice to me, these people. It was really lovely. You know. They–I made some friends, and I made a little money, and I bought a car, and I met a girl, and we fell in love, and we got married, and we got divorced. It’s the American Dream! I pay my alimony in the U.S. of A., Mister, every month. Take that, Al-Qaeda. My ex-wife is a lovely woman. I do have to say that. For legal reasons. No, she’s all right. I like her. She’s fine. She’s a good person. I’m not gonna bad-mouth her. She’s the mother of my kid. She’s a nice person. I like her. I don’t like her as much as I used to. I think that’s fair to say. But she’s nice. She’s a good person is what I’m saying. And the marriage didn’t work out. It wasn’t her fault. It was all my fault. There, you may as well know it. It wasn’t all my fault. She’s crazy. Anyway… She’s all right. She a good person. But the marriage didn’t work out, but the wedding was awesome. The wedding was great. It’s what I like to think of as a very American wedding. It was two old cultures coming together in the new world, ’cause she’s a Jewish girl from New York, and I’m not, so what we had is this– “what? I’d like my money back.” No, I– so what we had was a Jewish-Scottish wedding in L.A. It was awesome. We had kilts and yarmulkes. I’m not kidding. It was great. We had the big, giant be-heck-heck thing. Everyone had big plates of blech to eat. I did that thing where I smashed the glass, and the Scottish side of the family are like, “why did you smash that glass? “That was a perfectly good glass. “That’s $3.48 for a glass like that. “Now fair enough if you’re drunk, “you smash it, you stab someone, these things happen. “But to soberly smash a glass? You’ve changed, Hollywood.” Then there were big fights between the Jewish family and the Scottish family about who gets to pay for the wedding. That’s the funniest f*cking thing I’ve ever said. Anyway, it was a great day is what I’m saying. The wedding was awesome. The only thing that didn’t really work out is the Jewish tradition of dancing around with the bride and groom on your shoulders clashes with the Scottish tradition of no underwear under the kilt. No, no. It was particularly embarrassing for me because I have got a huge c0ck. Hey, no, that’s not a joke. It’s a medical condition. You can’t tell in these pants, so just don’t even try. I can feel your eyes boring into me. There’s a secret compartment. I had them made in Vegas. I could have a white tiger down here and you wouldn’t even know. And in a way I do. No, I’m only kidding. I’ve got a regular-sized c0ck. If I was 25-foot tall, it would be a regular-sized c0ck. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? All right, listen, how many other Scottish people do you know that are this upbeat? You’ve kind of changed your tune a little bit. That’s interesting. I was watching you. You were kinda like–“hmm, I’m not so sure I like this. “He cusses a little too much. “I don’t like the cheeky monkey thing and all that. “Oh, c0ck? “C0ck. Finally, something for me.” I wouldn’t wish it on you, actually. It’s a curse. It costs a fortune to feed the damn thing. It is a curse. It takes so much blood. Every time I get an erection, I faint. Not only do I faint– not only do I faint, so does everyone else in the room. [As a female] “Oh, my goodness.” [As a male] “Oh, my goodness.” [Baas] all right, all right. That’s enough c0ck. (Woman) No! Yeah. Yeah. It’s not a phrase you hear often, I guess, is it? “Well, that’s enough c0ck. What’d you wanna do now?” “More c0ck?” “Sure.” That’s enough c0ck. As if. No, anyway, so I got married to this lovely girl, and we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon, just the two of us. Well, three of us–me, her, my giant c0ck. Off we went to Hawaii. It’s very difficult to travel with a giant c0ck, actually, because you either have to store it underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead locker. And you have to be careful when you land because it may have moved during the flight and it could fall and injure a fellow passenger. “Oh, what the hell is this? “Oh, can’t you put some wheels on this thing? What the hell?” “Would you like me to hang that up for you?” “Yes, please, could you?” Oh, you laugh, but it’s terrible. Anyway, we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon, which was great. I loved Hawaii. I loved the Hawaiian people. I felt a great affinity with them. I like them. Because they have this island paradise with, you know, fresh lobster coming out of the sea and pineapple growing everywhere, coconuts on the palm trees, and all they wanna do is eat fried spam. These are my people. I belong amongst them. And we stayed in a very, very swanky hotel ’cause it was our honeymoon. And I don’t like a very swanky hotel. I always feel very uncomfortable in a super posh hotel. I always think they’re gonna find me out. I’m not from a wealthy background. I always think someone is gonna say, “can you go over there and just clean those glasses and tidy up that table?” “Sure, yeah, of course. Oh, thank goodness. Gives me something to do.” I just like a regular hotel. Clean towels, you know, let’s get me in. That’s fine. I don’t– a Best Western, an Embassy suites, a Hilton, a Rah-mada– a Ramada, a Ramada. A Ramada! Oh, f*ck it. No, a Rah-mada. No, I meant a Rah-mada. Oh, you don’t know about the Rah-madas? Oh, I’m sorry. Don’t they have one in Boston? Oh, I didn’t know you don’t even have a Rah-mada hotel here yet! Oh! Oh-ho-ho. The Rah-mada hotel. Listen, you can say what you like about Al-Qaeda. They make a lovely breakfast. “Welcome to the Rah-mada. “Try the jihad omelet. “Oh, this? No, no, no. I bumped my head. I’m from Kentucky.” What I mean is I just like a regular hotel, just an ordinary hotel. Nothing fancy, and especially not that new type of thing that they’re doing now, these Ian Schrager-y– what do you call them? Boutique hotels. You know, when it’s sort of a boutique, it’s sort of a night club, and it’s sort of a hotel. Like people go in and actually hanging out in a hotel. I’m like, “why are you hanging out in a hotel? “Hotels are for hookers and porn. They’re not for people to just hang around in the lobby.” Maybe that’s just me, but I– but I don’t like staying in these super swanky hotels. They’re all like night clubs and everything’s purple, and everyone’s cool and good-looking, very good-looking. The people that work there are so good-looking, they can’t help you. They’re too good-looking to help you. “But I’m a guest in the hotel.” “Yes, but.” Do you know what they’re like, they’re like the people that work in the trendy clothing stores, when you say, “I’d like to try on these pants,” and like, “oh, I don’t know if we got those in fat-ass. “Do we got those in fat-ass? “No. “Can you go outside? You’re making me sad.” I tell you the first time I noticed this, I was staying in a hotel, the first time I stayed in one of these swanky boutique hotels. I was standing– I would stand there– I was working during the day for– I can’t remember what it was, but then at night I was in the hotel. It’s about 9:00 at night, and I had nothing to do. I was stuck there. I didn’t know anyone in town. I had nothing to do and I thought, “what will I do? Maybe I’ll go to the lobby. “Um, no, I can’t. I’m too old. “I’m too fat. I’ll be judged. “I can’t go to the lobby. “I can feel all that shit in my room anyway. I don’t need an elevator ride.” And then I thought, “uh, here I am, a man alone in a hotel room “with nothing to do. “How will I wile away the hours till the morning comes creeping?” I thought, “shall I watch the pornography? Shall I?” And actually, I thought, “no, I’m not gonna. It’s too bleak.” No, I was– I don’t have porno at home. I’m raising a kid. I don’t do it. But-but I–in a hotel, I thought, “well I’m kind of on vacation, maybe I’ll look at the porn.” And then I thought, “well, no.” You see, I’ve kind of gone off hotel porn since they got rid of the free preview period. You remember it? You remember it. You remember it, right? Yes. It’s true. They used to give you 30 seconds of free porn, right? You remember that? It was awesome. In case you didn’t know what porn was or to make sure it was porny enough for you, I guess. 30 Seconds of free porn, and you can get a lot done in 30 seconds. Ah, the frugal orgasm. If you’re a Scotsman, there is nothing finer. So I thought, “can I watch the porn? Can I? Oh, god. That’s a bit grisly and bleak. All right.” Well. I thought I’ll put on the menu because the menu for the porn sometimes makes me laugh. You know when they take the name of a regular movie and turn it into a porn movie like Shaving Ryan’s Privates or something like that. That’s a real one. That is a real one, Shaving Ryan’s Privates. It’s actually it’s a bit grisly for the first 15 minutes, and then it actually gets really good. If you can sit through it. There was one that I heard about once called– on a hotel menu, it was Pump Friction. And John Travolta was in it. No, he wasn’t, no. He wasn’t in it. Anyway, I thought, “will I watch the porn? Will I?” I looked at the menu so I–no, I turned on the menu for the porn. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. A very trendy hotel in the middle of San Francisco– a huge gay community in San Francisco, of course, gay porn on the hotel. That’s exactly the noise I made in my room. That’s exactly what I did. And I thought exactly what you thought. I went, “where the hell is this going? “Things were okay until now. Gay porn?” And I thought– I saw it and I thought, “I find myself on the horns of a dilemma.” On the one hand–not gay. On the other hand–European. Maybe I should see this in the interest of international understanding. Now I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before but– and let me just say I have friends, good friends, gay men I’ve known for a long time. One guy, I’ve known this guy 30 years. He’s a good man. I respect him. I trust him completely with anything in my life, but I had no idea that’s what was going on. I thought it was just assless chaps in a parade. I thought it was something to do with interior design and being cool. I’ve turned this thing on, and I’m like, “hey! “That is not on Will and Grace! “Stop that, you’re hurting him! And he’s a fireman!” You know, when you leave a hotel room early in the morning, you’ve got an early flight and maybe questioning your life choices and your sexuality, and you’re thinking, “oh, god.” And everybody’s left the remains of their room service orders outside, little trays with little cakes on them and little bits of dessert and fries, there’s always a fry. I always eat that fry. It’s a kind of an OCD thing for me. It’s something I do to make it a good day for me. And you know, I just eat the fry. It’s like touching a midget for luck. It’s just something I do. It’s embarrassing sometimes ’cause, you know, the maid is in the hallway maybe and you have to pretend you’re tying your shoelace. “And buenas dias to you.” I was– I was telling people that I do that. I was telling a friend of mine that I eat the fries, as kind of an OCD thing. He’s like, “you’re crazy. “That’s not ‘oh-ho-ho-hee-hee-hee’ crazy. That’s crazy.” And I’m thinking, “you know what? “May-maybe I am crazy. “Maybe I’m going crazy. Like proper crazy ’cause I’ve lived in Hollywood nearly 14 years.” And what happens if you live in Hollywood and you get any success– I’ve only got a tiny little bit of success. What happens is that people start to form around you. You know, managers, agents, publicists, lifestyle gurus, pilates instructors, your own personal f*cking barista, everything, just–people start to form around you and what these people do is they create problems that do not exist, and then they solve them for you, and you pay them for that. And that’s crazy. Problems that do not exist and then they solve them for you, and you pay them. Problems that don’t exist. It’s like– you know what it’s like? It’s like those infomercials that are on the same time as my show on tv. You know what I’m talking about. The black and white footage of an actor, picking up a phone and pretending it’s hard to use a telephone and the voiceover’s going, “do you have difficulty using today’s modern telephones with their phoniness?” And the guy’s going, “yes! “It’s so difficult to use a phone! “It flies out of my hand. “It hits me in the c0ck. “It runs off. It never phones me. “It runs around the house killing the pets. I don’t know what to do.” “What you need is the phone glove.” “The phone glove, you say?” “Yes, the phone glove. What you do–you put it on. “The phone fits snugly inside. “Everyone will think you’re great, and everyone will want to f*ck you!” “Hi, Stacey. You wanna come over? Thanks, phone glove.” Problems that do not exist and then solve them for you, and it’s crazy. And what happens in Hollywood is the more success you get, the crazier you get. Then you get more success and more crazy, and more success and more crazy until you reach the apex of success and crazy, shining like a beacon of lunacy throughout the world– Tom Cruise. [Moans] [laughs hysterically] I’m sorry, that is 12 foot of crazy in a 4-foot man. I met him once. I touched him for luck. He chased me, like, three blocks. [Laughs] [imitates flute] “You shall not cross the bridge until you answer my questions three.” What the hell happened to Tom? I loved tom. I love Tom Cruise. I think he’s awesome in the movie with the sliding and the “you can’t handle the truth.” And upside down in the plane and he flies it, and he’s great in that movie, and everybody else is a jerk, and they don’t understand him and he solves problems and saves the earth. I love Tom, but he’s gone crazy. When I saw–not when he was jumping on Oprah’s couch, which is crazy enough– when he was doing that interview with Matt Lauer. Do you remember that? I’ve always liked Matt Lauer. I do. I think he’s America’s perky sweetheart, much more than Katie Couric. “Although now that Katie’s on CBS, “she’s a great professional. “We admire each other. Gee, I love to play pranks on her. We go to the Hamptons all the time.” Bah! F*cking ridiculous industry. Anyway, what happens was that Matt Lauer is interviewing Tom Cruise, and they’re talking about tom’s movie that had just come out, you know, and in the movie, tom’s great, everyone’s a jerk, Tom saves the world. And-and then, for some reason, the conversation got onto Brooke Shields, who, you will remember I did not work with. And Brooke Shields at that time had a book out. Because what happened was after the birth of her second child, Brooke had suffered from postpartum depression, and in order to get through it, she’d taken antidepressant drugs, and that really helped her through a very difficult period in her life, and in order to help other people– and to make a couple of bucks for herself– she’d written a book about it. And Tom was furious. He was like– [laughs hysterically] “the plane! The plane!” He was like, “Matt, Matt, Brooke shouldn’t take antidepressant drugs for postpartum depression.” And I’m thinking, “Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom! “You’re a man talking about postpartum depression! Shh! Shh!” If you’re a man and the mother of your child is suffering from postpartum depression, here’s how you treat it: do what she says. Get the f*ck out of the house. But Tom was like, “no, no, Matt.” And it went on. It went on to all sorts of depression. It was crazy, just depression they were talking about. And Tom was saying, “people should not take “antidepressant drugs for depression. They’re just masking the symptoms of depression.” And I’m thinking, “yes?” They mask the symptoms. The symptoms of depression is depression. It’s not a symptom of something else. It’s not like you go, “oh, I feel really sad,” then your ass falls off. The symptoms of depression is depression. “Oh, I feel so sad.” Clunk. “Oh, no! That’s even worse.” The symptoms of depression is depression. You take away the symptoms of depression, you don’t f*cking have it! But Tom– Tom is like–Tom was furious. He’s like, “no, Matt.” He’s like, “no, Matt, these drugs, they’re just a crutch, they are just a crutch.” And I’m thinking, “yes?” They’re a crutch. You don’t walk up to a guy with one leg and say, “hey pal, that crutch, it’s just a crutch! “Throw it away! Hop, you bastard! “That crutch– that crutch is masking the symptoms of your one-leggedness.” I have an idea. I’m a citizen now. I would like an amendment to the constitution. Actors, shut the f*ck up about things you know nothing about! Does it seem so wrong? I mean, my god, I understand– I understand there’s corruption in medicine. There’s corruption in all– all areas of human endeavor. You put people and money together, you’re always gonna get a little bit of jiggery-pokery. But in 97%, let’s say, of these cases, these drugs are prescribed by doctors. Doctors. Not actors, doctors. Sounds the same, little bit different. Doctors go to college. Actors go to rehab. But think about this. You’ve come to the show tonight. Perhaps during the day, you felt a lump somewhere on your body. A little lump, you don’t know what it is. You think, “oh shit, what the hell is this?” You want me to look at it for you? Because seriously, I will look at it for you if you want. I think you’ll be fine. But we should probably check. No, I don’t know. I think Tom probably was crazy when he was jumping on Oprah’s couch. You should not jump on Oprah’s couch. Oprah is powerful. Perhaps the world’s last superpower. I’m not kidding. Think on this–you’re worried about Russia and China, Iran getting nuclear weapons, don’t worry about that. Think, if Oprah wanted weapons-grade uranium, and she went to the U.N., they’d be like, “you go, girl, of course. There you go, Oprah, uranium-235.” In fact, she wouldn’t have to go there. They’d go to her to be on the show. They’re like, “there you go, Oprah. Uranium-235. “In fact, Oprah, we have uranium-235 for everyone in the audience.” You know, I’ll be honest, I actually admire Oprah Winfrey. I don’t always agree with her, but I admire her. Because she has immense wealth and immense power, and she’s trying to do something good for the world, and I can’t have anything but respect for that. And I became fascinated with her show. The first time I saw it, when I just moved to America, it was on at 3:00 in the afternoon in L.A., and, you know, I didn’t have a job, so I was watching it. And the first one I saw, I was transfixed. Because the subject was woman that have had too much plastic surgery. And I was like, “oh.” Because plastic surgery is an epidemic in Los Angeles. Not so much in Boston that I’ve seen, but in Los Angeles– [mixed reaction] let me finish, please. That’s a good thing. That’s good. Be who you are. You can– it’s all different and diverse. In L.A. everybody looks the same. Everybody looks like they’re traveling 140 miles in a f*cking motorcycle. [Imitates motorcycle] You can’t tell what anybody’s thinking. “That is hilarious. I am so angry at you right now.” Anyway, I was watching this Oprah with the– you know what they had on? They had on that woman that had so much plastic surgery, she turned into a cat. If you have so much plastic surgery that you had changed species, maybe that’s too much plastic surgery. And the woman was on, she was defending herself. She was like, “it’s a lifestyle choice, Oprah.” But this doctor was on, and the doctor was saying that women can stand the pain of plastic surgery better than men just ’cause they’re genetically predisposed to deal with pain because of childbirth. You know, what it is with me, it’s–it’s the breasts. Surprised, I know, but it is, it’s the breasts. No listen, I swear. I try to be, you know, a post-feminist man. I respect women. I do not ogle women, unless I am invited to ogle in some meaningful way. I don’t, you know– I do not disrespect women. But when I see a woman with breasts three times the size of her own head… There’s nothing I can do about that. I am not involved! It goes straight to the reptile brain. I’m just like… “Blah-ah!” “They’re not real.” “I don’t care. Must do motorboat.” [Blubbering] Oh, come on, everybody loves the motorboat. It’s the only thing that men and women agree on. “You probably shouldn’t be able to do it to your husband, but what the hell? Enjoy yourself, I say. Anyway, this doctor on Oprah was saying that women can stand this pain, which is true. I remember–I remember before my own son was born, his mother and I–it was a very fun time for us in the marriage. We went to these breathing classes. Not regular Lamaze classes. It was L.A., very L.A. Lamaze classes, very kumbaya. Lots of, you know, ♪ baby, it’s coming, oh ♪ ♪ new life arriving, namaste ♪ they’re burning sage and a gong and everything. Getting everybody to do yoga. Which is cruel–some of these women were nine months pregnant. You get a girl that far along to do downward-facing dog, she’s gonna fart and be embarrassed, and it’s not right. “Baby”– [farting sound] “I am so sorry.” “Don’t worry, it’s nature. Namaste. Put a little more burning sage on the burning sage there.” But at the birthing classes, in order so that, you know, first-time parents won’t be freaked out– and it’s all first-time parents at a birthing class, by the way. Anybody who’s already got kids is like, “yeah, fine. I’ll see you in the E.R., all right?” If you’re a woman here tonight, you’re expecting your first baby, you’re spending a lot of money on these breathing classes, knock it off, save your cash. Get some shoes or something. Because when I was in– I was in the delivery room, I was the only one going, ♪ ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ I felt such a fool. ♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ the doctor’s like, “what the hell are you doing?” “I’m helping, doctor.” ♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ my son still has a morbid fear of Enya. ♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah ♪ you know, if you are a first time mother and you– you’re telling yourself that lie about you’re not gonna have your baby with drugs and you’re gonna have your baby in a bucket of mud– no, you’re not. You’re gonna have drugs. You’re gonna want them. And they’re gonna be sensational. And you’ll enjoy it so much you’ll want to have another baby right away. So don’t worry. But in order so that first-time parents won’t be freaked out, what they do is they show videos of actual births. Sir, are you all right? Do you have any Purell? Isn’t that kinda weird when people put Purell on after they shake hands with you? I’m like, “f*ck you.” “F*ck you, doctor.” Anyway, they show videos of actual births, which freaks everybody out, of course, ’cause all of these births on these videos, they were shot in the 1970s. This is before the ladies started trimming downstairs. I was like, “wha-wha-what is this? What?” I had never seen one in its natural state. I was like, “what the hell is this? “Is that a cat? “Cat-cat, pussy-pussy cat-pussycat-pussycat. I got it. I got it. I got it.” And when the baby’s born, it’s not like a birth, it’s like a midget walking out of a forest. “Too-toot-to-toot-too-too.” And with that beautiful and uplifting image of new life, it’s time for me to bid you good night. Not very convincing, but thank you. Don’t “ah” me, you bastards. I’ve had a wonderful time here. And I want you to know this. What they said about you in Hollywood… F*ck these people. Good night, everyone. [Cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RONNY CHIENG: ASIAN COMEDIAN DESTROYS AMERICA (2019) – TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ronny-chieng-asian-comedian-destroys-america-transcript/

[“The Evening Primrose (Ye Lai Xiang)” by Li Xianglan plays] [woman singing in Chinese] [audience applauds and cheers] [female host] Ladies and gentlemen, Ronny Chieng! [audience cheers and applauds] [Ronny] Thank you! Thank you! [cheering and applause continue] Thank you! Thank you. Okay! Thank you. We gotta get going! We gotta get going, guys! Thank you! Thank you. That’s very kind. Thank you. Thank you. Netflix says we’re losing viewers by the second. Let’s get started. All right? Thank you. They’re clicking X as we speak. Thanks for coming. Uh… It’s nice to be here in America. [audience laughs] What’s going on in America in 2019? Uh… Measles is coming back, right? Bringing back measles. Why not? Why not at this point? How much worse can it get? Let’s bring back measles. Every year, America becomes more and more hipster. [audience laughs] It’s time to bring back organic, small-batch diseases. [audience laughs] Because of all these stupid anti-vaccination idiots. Reading some bullshit on the internet, getting brainwashed, not vaccinating their children. Yo, the internet is making people so fucking stupid. [audience laughs] [woman] Whoo! Like, who knew all of human knowledge can make people dumber? [audience laughs] Like, in 50 years, we’re gonna look at the internet the same way we look at smoking right now. [audience laughs] It’s going to be like, “Man, I can’t believe 50 years ago, we just let pregnant people use the internet.” [audience laughs and applauds] “What were we thinking? Pregnant people were just using the internet. We’d use the internet in front of babies. We’d let babies use the internet.” [audience laughs] Yeah, in 50 years, we’re gonna have special areas outside buildings where you can use the internet. Internet designated zones 50 feet from every entrance. Don’t bring the internet indoors. The secondhand stupidity’s a real killer. [audience laughs, cheers, and applauds] Yeah. [chuckles] [cheering and applause continue] Yeah! Yeah, we’re stupid. Yeah! [audience laughs] [laughs] Uh, yeah, I’ve been living in America for a while now. It’s been great. Uh… [inhales sharply] There’s so much stuff here. There’s so much stuff in America. There’s so much abundance. It’s hard to see if you’ve been born and raised here, but when you come from somewhere else, it’s so obvious the abundance in this country. Out of control. So much stuff. Every day, new stuff. It’s like Christmas every day. Hyperloops, electric cars, SpaceX, robot vacuums, iPhone 8s and 10s at the same time. [audience laughs] Can’t even wait in America. We get the iPhone 8, and we’re like, “You know what? Fuck 8 and fuck 9. Ten. Let’s go.” [audience laughs] Just skipping iPhone models. So much stuff. There’s so much food in America. There’s so much food, every… [grunts] [audience laughs] Food. There’s so much content. So much content. Oh, my gosh. So much content on demand. So many screens. The most screens per capita in the world. Every night in America is like a competition to see how many screens we can get between our face and the wall. [audience laughs] It’s like, iPhone, iPad, laptop, TV… [exhales] …and an Apple Watch. Okay. Just maybe… [audience laughs] As many screens in a row as I can get in front of my face. I need a screen below my eyes and a screen above my eyes. So when I look down and I look up, I don’t miss any of the action in this Game of Thrones episode that cost $30 million, but for some reason, we couldn’t figure out how to adjust the contrast, and so everything is dark as fuck! [audience laughs and cheers] So much stuff. So much… So much packaging. Oh, my God! The packaging in America. Everything here is triple-bagged. Right? You order anything to eat at any restaurant, they give you 50 napkins. You throw away 80. [audience laughs] Yeah, in America you throw away more napkins than you took. Just breaking the laws of reality… with the abundance. Every restaurant you go to in America, you just make it rain napkins every day. [audience laughs] A glass of water, five napkins. [audience laughs] Amazon Prime every day. Send that shit to my house every day. Never leave your house. In America, never leave your house. [audience laughs] Land of the free and land of never leaving your house. No item too trivial… no quantity too small… to be hand delivered into your home like an emperor. Anything. Anything in the world that comes to mind, any fleeting thought you have while drunk, anything. Just… [grunts] “I want one pen.” [audience laughs] [grunting] “I want one. I don’t want a box. I want just one pen. I want it in a box with some plastic. Throw some napkins in there… in another box, in a bigger box.” Fifty million boxes flying across America at all times. The airspace above America is just Amazon Prime. Packaging just knocking into each other, like satellite debris, right? More, more Prime. Can’t get enough Prime here. We need it, Prime. We need Prime harder, faster, stronger. Faster Prime. Prime Now! [audience laughs] Prime Now. Two-hour delivery. [audience laughs] Prime Now. Give it to me now! When I press buy, put the item in my hand… [audience laughs] [audience applauds] …now. In America, there should be no lag. Zero lag… between when I press the button and when the item is gently placed into my hand. [breathes heavily] So I can use it now. Oh, same-day delivery? [moans in agony] Un-American. Same-day? [retching] Now. Prime Now. Break into my house… [audience laughs] …and put the food I ordered in my mouth… and help me chew it! And then push it down my esophagus with a stick. [pants] And then pull the feces out of my anus for me now. It’s like, where do we go from here… as a civilization? Like, how much more convenience can we get? How much less energy can we use… to get what we want? Let’s get Prime Before. [audience laughs] Send it to me before I want it! [audience laughs] It’s 2019, I have to make a decision? Before you mail me what I buy? Use artificial intelligence… to substitute my own intelligence… so I can live my life. Send me everything I want before I want it… in as many boxes as possible. So much packaging. But… yeah, very happy to be here. Why do people come here? [audience applauds] No. Wait. Wait. Hang on. [laughs] Why do people come here? Why– Why do first-generation immigrants come here? Because this is the best, right? This is the best. This is the NBA. [audience laughs] America is the NBA. Do guys know that? You guys live in the NBA. In Asia, we think of America as the NBA. It’s where you go to be the best at whatever you’re doing. You come here to do it with other people, who are the best at what they’re doing. Like, the Chinese name for America is mei guo. That directly translates into English as “beautiful country.” That’s the Chinese name for America, Beautiful Country. That’s what we say when we say America in sentences. We say Beautiful Country. “Have you been to Beautiful Country? They have unlimited napkins in Beautiful Country.” [audience laughs] “They don’t give a fuck. They don’t even use it. They just take it and then just throw it away. It’s a Beautiful Country.” China in Chinese is zhong guo. That means “middle country.” It means nothing! [audience laughs] We named this place better than we named our own shit! [audience laughs] It’s the Beautiful Country. Let’s go to the Beautiful Country. Let’s leave the Middle Country. Let’s go to the Beautiful Country. Risk it all to start from scratch in the Beautiful Country. And then you finally come here, and everybody hates everything. [audience laughs] [in American accent] “Verizon sucks.” [audience laughs] [in American accent] “AT&T sucks. The TSA sucks. Fuck the TSA, trying to keep everyone alive. Fuck that.” [audience laughs and applauds] [in American accent] “The New York subway sucks. Los Angeles traffic sucks. Statues suck. Standing sucks. Kneeling sucks.” [audience laughs and cheers] [in American accent] “Congress sucks. Republicans suck. Democrats suck. Independents suck. Elon Musk sucks. Netflix…” Hm. [audience laughs and cheers] [in American accent] “All right, Netflix is all right.” We got one right. Netflix is all right. -But Netflix on the iPad sucks!” [audience laughs] [in American accent] “It’s an un-intuitive interface. You can’t download offline viewing for every show unless it’s original, and I can’t watch it on the plane when I fly through the air like a god.” [retching] “Prime Now!” [retching] [audience laughs and cheers] All these first world allergies. [laughs] Everyone fighting to come in here. Everyone in here bitching. Doesn’t make any sense. It’s been great traveling around all over America. I have the best job ever. I get paid to travel around all of America. Try to make people laugh, meet real human beings. Not just Russian bots. -Right? It’s the best. [audience laughs] It’s a real privilege to get to see all of… this huge country. And I think outside of America, we think of America as like a monolith. Right? Like America, Americans, like one entity. But you live here long enough, you realize it’s such a big country. Every state is like its own nation unto itself. Their own cuisine, their own way of talking, their own values, their own flags. That’s why there’s so much division here. It’s all these different countries trying to federate. It becomes so obvious once you start living here. You can tell the difference between the different types of Americans, the different energies. Right? From East Coast to West Coast. It’s so obvious. You can call it out. Like, East Coast Americans, super intense. Right? West Coast, everyone calms the fuck down a bit. [audience cheering and laughing] -Yeah. -Yeah. [cheering continues] Yeah, it’s like the East Coast of America, everyone’s still fighting the British. [audience laughs] It’s like they never got over it. Every day in New York, without fail, it’s just like… [pants] “Fuck. I’m walking here! Fuck!” [audience laughs] It’s like genetic PTSD, right? From Assassin’s Creed. And then you move west, and people calm the fuck down a bit. And it’s reflected in state mottoes of every state. The attitudes of the people from that state reflected in the state motto. East Coast state mottoes, super intense. Because that shit was forged in the heat of battle. So the Revolution is forever imprinted into the makeup of those people, right? Like the state motto of an East Coast state… Like the state motto of New Hampshire is “Live Free or Die.” [audience laughs] That’s a very intense state motto. [audience laughs] All right, if you’re from New Hampshire, and you’re living there, at some point, you have to start questioning… “Hey, how far do we take this? All right? Because… Because I’m feeling a little imprisoned by this post office line right now, and I don’t know, man. [yelling] Maybe I should live up to our state motto here!” [audience laughs] Or like the state motto of Pennsylvania or Massachusetts. It’s like another East Coast state, it’s like something in Latin. Like, “Liberty, but only by the sword, or I’ll chop your head off.” It’s like Game of Thrones book titles. It’s a dead language. I’m paraphrasing, right? Then you move west, and people calm the fuck down a bit. Like, you move southwest to Tennessee, and the state motto of Tennessee… is “Agriculture and Commerce.” [audience laughs] Compared to “Live Free or Die”… [audience laughs] “Agriculture and Commerce” isn’t even a call to action. [audience laughs] Like, it’s not even, “Let’s do agriculture and commerce.” [audience laughs] There’s no verb in that motto. Do you understand? It means there’s no action word. So the sentence has no direction. It’s just concepts. It’s like everyone got to Tennessee, and they were like, “Oh, my God! The sun here is awesome! Yeah, agriculture and… [clears throat] …commerce. Yeah, figure it out. But not today.” Then you move further west, southwest to Texas. Right? And the state motto of Texas is… Anybody here know the state motto of Texas, by any chance? I won’t make fun of you if you get it wrong. “Lone Star State”? Good guess. That’s wrong. [audience laughs] Anyone else? [woman] “Don’t tread on me!” “Don’t tread on me”? Great guess. That’s wrong. [audience laughs] “Remember the Alamo”? Bad guess. That’s wrong. [audience laughs] You’re going to let this fucking foreigner teach you about your country? All right. Your President’s not going to like that. But that’s the energy, right? What? “Grab your guns.” “Don’t fuck with Texas.” “Don’t mess with Texas.” “Everything’s bigger in Texas.” “Build the wall.” “Fuck your mom.” [audience laughs] No, the state motto of Texas is “Friendship.” [audience laughs and applauds] Yo, the state motto of Texas, it’s the opposite… of every commonly held connotation of the state. That’s a major failing on the PR department… of the state of Texas, to get your messaging that wrong. Everyone thinks it’s “Go fuck yourself.” It’s “Friendship.” [audience laughs] That’s 180 degrees off-message. That’s how chilled out they were. When they got to Texas, they were like, “Friendship!” And then you get to California, and the state motto of California is “Eureka!” “We made it! We’re as far from the British as we can get. Fuck those assholes. Legalize weed, make movies, do whatever the fuck you want! Manifest destiny!” [audience laughs and cheers] Yeah, it’s been great meeting the different types of Americans as well. Um, think of every… the different races, different ethnicities, different cities, all different people. Of all the Americans I’ve met, I think African-Americans have got to be the coolest race of them all, right? [audience cheers] They’re the coolest. Everything they do is just cooler. Everything they touch is just smoother, right? Sports, science, music, presidencies. Right? Everything they do. [audience cheers and applauds] Yo. [cheers and applause continue] They got the swag. Black people have the swag. You cannot deny the swag. Black people have the swag. Even white supremacists are like, “Yeah, they have swag.” [audience laughs] It’s like undeniable coolness. Like, black people are so cool, they can own their own racial slur. Okay? That’s how cool they are. No other minority in America is cool enough to own their own slur. All right, you never see Chinese people walking around just going, “Hey, yo. Hey, yo, my chinks.” [audience laughs] “Yo, where my chinks at? Yo, holler at me, chinks.” [audience cheers] “My chinks. Hey, stay yellow my fellows. What.” [audience laughs] Sounds awful. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. [squeakily] “My chinks! My chinks! My chinks!” I think… America is very politically divided right now, right? A lot of things here. No matter what topic you bring up, you reduce it down to politics a lot, which eventually gets reduced down to race. I think we can all do with taking a step back from race every once in a while and just talk as human beings. And let me just tell you, I think we need more Asian people in this country. [audience cheers] There’s not enough. There’s not enough. There’s not enough. Right now, we’re like 5.6% of the population. Okay? We need to get the number right up. Need more Asian people in this country. I’ll tell you why. Because we are the only objective referees… [audience laughs] …in the ongoing race war… between white and black people. Okay? Because you don’t care about us… and we don’t care about either of you. [audience laughs and applauds] So you can trust us. When we tell you things, there’s no bias, right? There’s no agenda. We just give it to you straight because we don’t care. [audience laughs] Like, lately, there’s been a lot of skirmishes in America. Right? White people calling the police on black people for very innocuous activity, like barbecuing in the park. [audience laughs] Or like entering their own homes. [audience laughs] So, yo, next time you feel aggrieved, don’t call the police. Call the Asians. [audience laughs] We will come in and arbitrate any situation for you… impartially and without bias. Because we don’t care. Like, if you called us into Starbucks that day, we’d be like… “Yo, these two black guys? They’re just sitting down drinking coffee. Why don’t you drink your latte and shut the fuck up?” [audience laughs and cheers] Yeah. [laughter and cheering continues] And you can trust us because we don’t care. Because our skin is not in the game. [audience laughs] Literally, NFL, NBA, our skin is in none of those games, all right? [audience laughs] So we don’t give a fuck… who’s kneeling at what, okay? I don’t care about your fantasy football draft analysis. We just want shit to work. Asian people in America just want shit to work. We’re not distracted by the spectacle of show business. We just want things to work so we give it to you straight. You can trust us… to tell you the truth. -Okay? Okay, yeah. [audience cheers and applauds] Ugly truths, but truths nonetheless. Like, yo, white people… Yo… “Bohemian Rhapsody” sucks. [audience laughs] Right? It’s a fucking un-danceable song. For the love of God, stop gathering in circles and chanting it at parties. [audience laughs] Okay? If you must, keep it to your shower, okay? No hatred. There’s no hatred here. It’s just information, okay? Just putting it out there. Take it or leave it. I… We give it both ways, okay? We give it both ways. Yo, black people… Yo, a little noisy in the movie theater. Okay, again, no hatred. There’s no hatred here. It’s just solutions. That’s all we offer. Both your people, solutions. Nothing more, nothing less. We need an Asian President, man, I’m telling you. Yeah. [audience cheers] Yeah. Man or woman. Man or woman. Get that Asian President in the White House. We will fix this shit in a week. [audience laughs] I promise you, give us a solid eight days, you will see results, because we don’t care. We just want things to work. Imagine harnessing the power of Asian people in government. [imitates explosion] Oh, my God. [audience laughs] All the Asians in government just going down the list of broken things, fixing it one-by-one with no agenda. Just pure logic, right? [audience laughs, cheers, and applauds] Just… Just going down the list, “Live long and prosper.” “That’s fine, that works, that’s pretty good, separation of powers is awesome, that works most of the time, that’s okay, that’s okay, that’s fucked, that’s fucked, Environmental Protection Agency’s fucked, Medicare’s fucked… Do your fucking job!” Just slapping people in the face. Right? Every nine months in this country, there’s, like, a congressional gridlock. Right? Everyone always threatening a government shutdown. Government shutdown? Yo, there’s no government shutdown with Asian people in charge. [audience laughs] We don’t shut down for anything. [audience laughs and applauds] Yo, we don’t shut down for Christmas, do you understand? [audience cheers] We work through public holidays. Any city in America, when it’s 3:00 a.m., and you’re hungry, where do you go? You go to Chinatown. That’s where you go. [audience laughs] Because things are affordable, delicious, and open. Does that sound like a country you want to live in? We don’t shut down for anything. Thanksgiving means nothing to me. [audience cheers and applauds] Do you have any idea how meaningless the concept of Thanksgiving is to me? Fuck turkey. It’s dry. [audience laughs and cheers] Yeah, I’d rather fix healthcare than eat turkey. How about that? Is that someone you want to charge? Please, vote for the Asians when you get a chance. We’ll work while you’re eating. [audience laughs] And we got the votes, Asian people. We got the votes, man. I’m telling you, everyone, they want us. We just need to corral it. Everybody loves us. Jewish people will vote for us, because, like I just said, we’re the only ones that cook for them during Christmas, okay? They’re already loving the flavors. Italians and Greek people will vote for us, because we have a shared culture of family-based food activities. Also, we beat our children. [audience laughs] We know what it takes… to make good people. Black people… Black people will vote for us, because we’re not white, right? [laughs] [audience laughs and applauds] I’m not saying it’s automatic, okay? I’m just saying, all things equal… they’re gonna go with the not white, but it’s the tiebreaker. That’s what I’m trying to say, okay? Don’t take it for granted. You still gotta work for the black vote, but if you get the overtime, you have the advantage. Right? [audience laughs] Uh, and that’s… [chuckles] And Latinos and Indian people will vote for us. [woman whoops] Yeah, because we… Pfft. I don’t know. We have rice in our cuisine. Okay, I don’t know. [audience laughs] I don’t have all the answers. I’m just saying there’s something there. Also, we beat our children. Really, really… Really, the beating of the children is that thing that unites… most of the races into the fist that beats the children. And think of how inspirational that would be if we have the first Asian President. What an inspirational message that would send to Asian children everywhere in America. If we have the first Asian President, you could go up to Asian children, anywhere in America, you can finally say, “Hey, listen, buddy. You don’t have to be… just a neurosurgeon.” [sobs] [audience laughs and applauds] [sobs] [crying] “The sky is… Sky’s the limit! There is no bamboo ceiling! If you shut up and work even harder… You fucking piece of shit.” [audience laughs] You gotta get behind that message. It’s such a weird stereotype to have associated with your ethnicity. Right? That stereotype of Asian parents wanting their kids to be doctors. Right? It’s such a weird thing to have on your race. Like, what is that? Is that good? Is that bad? I thought it was a good thing. Apparently, it’s worthy of mockery. Right? Asian parents wanting their kids to be doctors. It’s weird because it’s true. Right? I know because my parents were the same way. They just wanted us to be doctors. It was like this obsession. They just wanted us to be doctors. And it’s insidious as well, because when Asian parents want their kids to be doctors, helping people is, like, on the bottom of the list of reasons. [audience laughs applauds] Oh, if it even makes the list… of reasons to go into medicine. Helping people is, like, the unfortunate by-product… [audience laughs] of becoming a healthcare professional. Like, when they first see that they can’t even believe it. They’re like, “What the fuck? You gotta help people? Well, whatever, get it out of the way. But don’t let it get in the way of what this is really about. It’s about the money and the prestige, right?” It’s the money and the prestige. Because if you’re a first-generation immigrant, your children becoming doctors is the quickest way you can turn it around in one generation. Instant credibility, instant respectability, instant money. Right? You flip the clan narrative around. Boom! Started from the bottom, now we here. We’re doctors! [laughs] [audience laughs] And it’s also weird because Asian parents are also the last group of people you can ever convince to see a doctor. [audience laughs, cheers, and applauds] Yo, these fucking people will never see a doctor. They spend their whole lives obsessing over it. Nothing can make my mom see a doctor. There’s nothing… My mom can have an arrow going right through her. [pants] And she’s trying to pull it out like Rambo, right? And you’re like, “Yo, Mom, let’s go see a doctor.” And my mom will be like, “No. They just want to take people’s money.” [audience laughs and applauds] Then you’re like, “Then why do you want your kids to be doctors so badly?” [strained] “Because I want my kids to take other people’s money, obviously!” [pants] “The fact that you don’t understand that is the reason why you never became a doctor.” [groans] -[audience laughs] Because Chinese people love money. We love that shit. Chinese people fucking love money. Okay? You think rappers love money? Yo, we love money… [audience laughs] …more than anyone. Chinese people love everything about it. We love making it, love spending it, we love giving it, we love receiving it, we love throwing it up in the air. Yo, Chinese people love money so much, we have a god of money. [audience laughs] Of all the gods in Chinese Taoism, there’s one god, he’s the god of money. Caishenye, we pray to him… for more money! Every day, we go, “Hey, god of money…” [audience laughs] “…give us more money.” And he gives us more money. Very fickle god. Doesn’t care about inflation, right? No understanding of basic principles of macroeconomics, just… Just throwing out gold ingots if you ask for it at the right time. “Here’s some money. Burn some incense. Here’s some money, man.” Even during Chinese New Year, the biggest holiday for Chinese people, Chinese New Year, when we see each other during Chinese New Year, the way we greet each other is we say, “gong xi fa cai,” or “gong hei fat choy” in Cantonese. I’m sure you’ve heard that, at least peripherally, “Gong xi fa cai.” Gong xi fa cai means, “Hope you get rich!” [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] That’s not “Happy New Year.” [audience laughs] Do you understand, the go-to phrase during Chinese New Year isn’t, “Hey, happy New Year.” It’s, “Yo, hope you get rich.” [audience laughs] “Hope you get rich. Hope you get richer than all these other motherfuckers. Hope you get so fucking rich, man. Hope you get rich and also hope… You better hope I get rich. We can hope each other… Both get rich together.” [audience laughs] [chuckles] Yeah, there’s no context for Asian storytelling… in America. Like, I talk about a god of money here, everyone looks at me like I’m a Scientologist. Right? He’s real. [audience laughs] He’s real, man. Burn your incense. -Make some money. [audience laughs] Yeah, I moved to America in September 2015, and I thought I got here just in time for that last bit of Obama’s America. Like, I thought I snuck in here for that last lap of Obama’s presidency and, like, this new golden age in America, and instead I got here just in time for Donald Trump’s America. That’s like buying tickets to Beyoncé, and instead it’s Donald Trump. [audience laughs] And you’re expecting, “All the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies.” But instead, it’s the same hand grabbing people by the pussy. [audience laughs] Single or married, it doesn’t matter. Coming for… [grunts] [audience laughs] Yeah, I moved… Moved straight to New York City. Another dream come true for me, moving to New York City as a stand-up comedian. New York City is like the Mecca. It’s like… You know, you can do, like, ten shows a night, easy. All my comedy heroes came from New York City. There’s a real creative energy there. I’ve been lucky to live in a few cities in my life. I used to live in Johor Bahru, Malaysia, I used to live in Singapore. I used to live in Melbourne, Australia. New York City is the only city I’ve lived in where people fight subway trains… and win. [audience laughs and applauds] Like, any other city on the planet, when the train doors start to close… Bee, beep, beep, beep. …that means that train is departed. Okay? You’re supposed to shut up and wait patiently for the next train. Oh, not in New York. In New York, if you can slip a piece of paper in between those doors, one millimeter of space, that’s all you need. You got a fighting chance. People take it for granted now, strolling up to closing train doors in New York, just uppercutting them in the… [audience laughs] …in that black rubber part, like that’s the personal open button for every commuter on the train. Just bam! “This train ain’t leaving till I get on board. Where’s my ticket? Right here, buddy.” Like, my first week in New York, uh, I was on this crowded subway train, and it was packed all the way to the doors, right? I’m on the train, packed all the way to the doors, and the doors start closing in front of me. And as the doors start closing, this guy, like, walks up to the closing train doors, -and just jams his fingers… [audience laughs] …just right into the door. No regard for his limbs or appendages. Like, his need to get on this train exceeded his need to grip things. [audience laughs] He did a cost-benefit analysis in his head. And he was like, “You know what? This is overrated. Right? Who needs this motion? Who needs this point of articulation, right? Let’s get on this train. My life will be perfect.” So, he just creates enough of a gap to start fighting, and he fights this train for eight seconds. He just fights it to a stalemate. Okay? It’s a judges’ decision. He can’t move the train, the train can’t move, no one can move. And after eight seconds, he gets, like, tired. He starts gassing out. [pants] So he uses his head to jam up the doors. [audience laughs] Like a doorstop. As he readjusts his grip, right, he starts to chalk up his hands for round two. And I’m standing there, just facing the top of his oily scalp… [audience laughs] Just thinking, “Yo, man, just let it go, all right? I’m new in town. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to help you, or if we’re both going to get arrested, okay? I don’t know the social etiquette in this situation.” [audience laughs] “All I know is there’s a train in three minutes.” [audience laughs] “This is the ACE line in Manhattan, all right? If you let this go, we will all get to where we need to go to quicker.” But he’s like, “No, this is the one, man! This is the last train ever!” And he fought the train… for, like, four more seconds… and he won! He won. The train tapped out. Right, it was like, “All right, gotta respect your ground game. Full mount to omoplata is out of control. Anyone else wanna run in at the last minute? It’s not like we have a schedule to keep or anything.” And that’s the problem with America right there. Too many civil liberties. [audience laughs] There’s too much freedom here. You guys took your Bill of Rights and just ran with it. That shit would never fly in Malaysia. Where I’m from, in Malaysia, you stick your hand in the door, the doors close, you get dragged for like a mile. [audience laughs] Right? Right? You get brought to your knees by the system. As the train runs over you, it starts going after your family, right? You start… You start, like, bleeding out on the tracks. The doors open. We all walk over your dead corpse. [audience laughs] “Yeah, that’s what you get, you dumb fuck.” [audience laughs] Not in America. In America, one man… can stop the entire train line. Because everyone can make a difference. [audience laughs, cheers, and applauds] Yeah. [laughs] Yeah, it’s been great living in America. Yeah, New York City, it’s a great city, but by any objective measure, it’s like… it’s just barbaric, right? [laughs] If you compare it to other cities… Like, if you go to Japan, any city in Japan– Anyone here been to Japan, by any chance? [audience cheers] Yeah, Japan… Japan’s, like, awesome, right? It’s, like, the future. If you go to Japan, everyone’s so polite and friendly. Very courteous, very conscientious society in general, right? Practical application of advanced technology in Japan. They have toilets in Japan that can wash your asshole. [audience laughs] Did you know that? I bring news from the Orient! [audience laughs] In Japan, they have toilets that can wash your asshole clean. [audience laughs] And they’ve had this now for decades. This isn’t “Best of 2015” on BuzzFeed, okay? This was mastered and implemented in the ’70s. Everyone has one. It’s by default they have it, right? Restaurants, homes, hotels, everyone has one, and it works. I was skeptical, too. [audience laughs] First time I saw one, I was like, “There’s no way this thing works. It’s a fucking gimmick.” Oh, how wrong I was. [audience laughs] Hot jet stream of water… on target every time. [audience laughs] How is it on target every time? It never has an off day. It’s like Steph Curry from the free throw line, just automatic. [audience laughs] On target every time. How? How? How? It’s like every toilet in Japan has a camera and a guy aiming it in the back. [audience laughs] He’s the same guy who carries your luggage up to your hotel room. [audience laughs] And… And people in the West don’t really know this, but Chinese people and Japanese people have, like, beef stretching from World War II, because in World War II, Japan did tons of war atrocities to Chinese people. Rape, torture, human experimentation, the whole nine yards. China, all the way down Southeast Asia. Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Philippines, Vietnam, Indonesia. And people in the West don’t really know this, because there’s no Schindler’s List for Chinese people, okay? [audience laughs] No one made a dope black and white movie about it in the West, so it’s not common knowledge. If you didn’t know it, I’m not calling you out. If you didn’t know that, why would you? That’s not your story. It happened on the other side of the planet, okay? Why would you know that? I’m not calling you out. If you didn’t know, I’m just letting you know it happened. Okay, if you grew up in Singapore, like I did, they never let you forget it. [audience laughs] In Singapore, it’s, “Never forget. They did that. Never forget. They did that shit.” Every year, a new documentary drama series detailing the atrocities that happened during the Japanese occupation of Southeast Asia. “Never forget. They did that!” And if you grew up in Singapore and Malaysia with that swirling around your head, and you go visit Japan for the first time, right, with a lifetime of that stuff still in your head, and you’re in Japan, and everyone’s super polite and friendly, and there’s, like, Sailor Moon, right? [audience laughs] And there’s toilets that wash your ass. You can’t help but wonder… how did these guys go from rape, torture, and human experimentation to Pokémon… [audience laughs] …in one generation? [scoffs] -[audience laughs] So I’m just saying… if we give ISIS a couple decades… [audience laughs] …maybe they’ll cure cancer, okay? You don’t know. You don’t know what the future holds. Might be judging them on a very harsh period of their history right now. [man cackling] Okay, mixed reaction to that. That’s fair enough. [audience laughs] But you know what? It’s a comedy show, not a TED Talk. Okay? Calm the fuck down! Everyone’s asshole clenched up so tight, a Japanese toilet couldn’t wash it. [audience laughs] Yeah, like I said, I used to live in Australia. I started doing comedy in Australia. Um… Australia was always really good to me. Uh… My wife is Australian, and I love my wife a lot. I love my wife so much, I married her three times. That’s right. I married the same woman three separate times. Why? Because when you have Asian parents, you have to get married… in every fucking country you have relatives in. [audience laughs] Because Asian parents have to brag, okay? And I know every parent has to brag. I’m not trying to take anything away from anyone. I’m just saying Asian parents also have to brag, and, like, weddings is how they do it. Like, Asian weddings for baby boomers, Asian baby boomers, it was the original Instagram, okay? [audience laughs] It is how they catch up with everybody. It’s how they get the likes. It’s how they get the dopamine hit. It’s how they leave comments. “Why so skinny? Why so fat? Why aren’t you married? Why don’t you have a baby? What’s wrong with your balls?” [audience laughs] They say shit to your face that reviewers on the internet wouldn’t say. [audience laughs] So we had to get married three times. So the first wedding we had in Melbourne, Australia, because my wife is from Melbourne, Australia. Then we got married in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, even though I’m not from Kuala Lumpur, but who gives a fuck what the groom wants, right? [audience laughs] Let’s just find the nearest landmark in Malaysia everyone can pronounce with the most direct flights. [audience laughs] And then we got married in New York for green card purposes. -Okay, so… [audience laughs] Three very romantic weddings, for the right reasons. Chain migration, and… [audience laughs and applauds] Let me tell you something. [man] Whoo! Let me speak from the heart here for just one minute. If you take nothing else away from the show here tonight, please just hear me now. Okay, I’m speaking from personal experience here. There are fewer joys you will experience in life… than organizing three weddings at the same time. [audience laughs] Oh, my God! It’s so much fun and so easy to do. [audience laughs] I highly recommend it. In fact, it’s so much fun, after you organize three weddings… [laughs cynically] …you should just kill yourself immediately! Because it turns out you’ll never experience as much joy as you do… than when you’re trying to organize three wedding simultaneously. In fact, the only way you can experience more joy, is if you organize those three weddings as far away from your physical location as possible. Because you’ll find that the enjoyment-versus-distance graph increases exponentially the further away the weddings are from your physical body. So fun and cheap. [audience laughs] So the first wedding in Melbourne, Australia, I’m sending out the wedding invites, right, and I’m going… going all the way with these things, not holding back. Everything, gold embossed lettering with the lace and the holograms. It’s, like, $20 an invite. At this point, it’s cheaper to write the invitation on money, okay? [audience laughs] “We should write the invitation on money and serve cash at the reception. -We’ll save some money.” [audience laughs] So, I’m sending these things out, and on the back of the invite, my wife is like, “You have to put your email address on the back of the invite so my friends can email in their dietary requirements.” White people dietary requirements. [audience laughs] Holy fuck! Yo, there’s no dietary requirements. Okay? Chinese weddings in Malaysia, there’s no dietary requirements. Chinese weddings in Malaysia, everyone shows up, we eat, some people die, and then we go home. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Makes the race stronger! [audience laughs] We’re not customizing meals for weak genes! Thousands of years of Chinese weddings, people show up and die, -no one complains. [audience laughs] No one’s every written a bad Yelp review because they died at a Chinese wedding. [sobbing] “What a tragedy.” We collectively accept that as a possibility. Okay, because life is risky. I was expecting the usual, reasonable dietary requirements. Right? Gluten allergy, vegan, shellfish allergy, peanut allergy. Keeping it reasonable. Oh, my God! The shit we got back. [audience laughs] Spreadsheets… of genetic failures. [audience laughs and applauds] One after the other, each more pathetic than the last. [breathlessly] “Excuse me, Ronny! Excuse me! I can’t eat figs!” [pants] “Excuse me, Ronny. I can’t eat red pepper. Green pepper is fine, but red pepper makes my mouth red. Excuse me, Ronny. I can’t eat fried garlic. Does this have fried garlic? I have to pick the fried garlic out of the bok choy. Excuse me, Ronny. I can’t eat lettuce. This san choy bau is wrapped in lettuce. I can’t eat it!” From the same person. [audience laughs] Yo, dietary requirements is a serious issue. Okay? It’s a medical condition. It means if you eat this, you could die. It’s not license to tell me what textures you don’t enjoy. [audience laughs] These motherfuckers trying to influence the menu! [audience laughs] Anyway, I had a great time at my wedding. It was awesome. [audience laughs] Uh, I love my wife a lot. My wife says that I have tone issues, so… [audience groans] Everything I say sounds sarcastic or angry. [audience laughs] [angrily] Apparently. [audience laughs] But listen to the words, not the tone, please. [angrily] I had a great wedding. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. It was awesome. [audience laughs] [sarcastically] Three was not enough. Your friends are amazing. [audience laughs] I love my wife a lot, but marriage has definitely made me a worse person. Before I got married, I used to care because I was trying to get laid. Now I don’t care anymore, okay? All I care about is my wife’s opinion about me and her well-being. That’s all I care about. I don’t give a fuck about any of this other… Idiots on the internet… Even her friends come and talk to my wife, “Hey, Ronny!” I’m like, “Fuck this shit.” I just gotta walk away. [audience laughs] Like, when my wife’s friends come and talk to me, I can’t even muster the bare minimum that society requires of me to interact with this person. It’s like, “Hey, Ronny, how are you?” I’m like, “Fuck this.” I gotta walk away. [audience laughs] Because when my wife’s friends find out I do stand-up comedy, what follows is the worst conversation… in the history of humanity. And it happens over and over and over again. Same thing every single time. It’s like, “Oh, hey, Ronny. Hey, wow. You do stand-up comedy? Oh, wow. Hey, Ron, when’s your next show?” “Well, I do five to six shows a night, every single night in New York City. So I guess my next show will be tonight or tomorrow depending on what time of day we’re having this conversation.” “Oh, wow! That’s really cool. When’s your next big show?” “I don’t really differentiate between big or small shows. I try to bring everything I have to every show I do, so I guess my next… big show will be my next show, which will be today or tomorrow, as per our previous excruciating interaction.” “Oh, wow, that’s really cool. Well, can you let me know next time you’re doing a show?” [audience laughs] “Well…” [sighs] “…like I just said…” [audience laughs] “I do five to six shows a night, minimum, every single night in New York City. There’s no possible way I could let you know… the next time you’re doing a show. That kind of notification wouldn’t be feasible for you or for me to receive, so I guess the answer is no. No, I cannot… let you know.” “Okay, well, are you gigging next Saturday? Because I’m free next Saturday in the city so if you’re around, maybe I can come around and watch you perform…” [yelling] “Listen, man! I’m not going to roll out a red carpet for you every time I go to work! Okay? You come, or you don’t! It’s on Twitter. It’s on my website. Figure it out! Everyone else figured it out!” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] So… [audience whistling and cheering] So to avoid that timeline from happening, right? That’s like the worst possible reality. And I’m like a conversation Precog at this point. I can detect conversation crimes before they happen, okay? Just in my vat of milk, just watching that wooden ball road down the counter, like Tom Cruise, I’ll jump in and cut off that reality before it blossoms into full-blown asshole reality. I cut it off at the bud, so when my wife’s friends come and talk to me, and they go, “Hey, Ronny, you do stand-up comedy? Oh, wow, when’s your next show?” [audience laughs] I just say… [exhales deeply] “No, it’s okay.” [audience laughs] Then my wife here says, “‘No, it’s okay,’ is not an answer to the question…” [audience laughs] “…when my friends ask you when your next show is.” “Okay, sorry. Could you give me one second? What do you want me to say? What the fuck you want me to say? Because every time we have this conversation, it goes nowhere good. So what do you want me to say?” “Just say you don’t do comedy. It’s easier if you say you don’t do comedy.” “All right, fine. Next time your friends ask me, I’ll say I don’t do comedy. I don’t do shit. I’m a useless husband. All I do is sit on my fat ass all day reviewing things.” [audience laughs] [sighs heavily] So, yeah, tone issues is something I’ve been working on… [audience laughs] [sighs] …for the last five to six years, really. It’s been an ongoing battle. It’s been an ongoing battle between my wife and my tone. [audience laughs] Myself as a neutral third-party, of course. [inhales] And I got to say, I see good people on both sides, okay? -So I don’t know. [audience laughs] Yeah, I got married at 9:00 a.m. on a Sunday in Melbourne, Australia. That was my… That was the tea ceremony in Melbourne, Australia. That’s the most traditional Chinese part of the wedding. We do it in the morning. Families come. We serve tea to everybody. Other stuff happens. It never ends, stuff keeps happening, but that’s when it starts, okay? Then after that, we have a dinner, and all that fucking bullshit. But it starts at 9:00 a.m. That’s the tea ceremony. So I booked my flight to leave New York City… at 10:00 p.m. on a Friday. And with the time zone difference and length of the flight, I’d reach Melbourne just in time, 9:00 a.m., to attend my own wedding. Um… And I was cutting it close. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to work to pay off three fucking weddings, okay? [audience laughs] I can’t just take leave whenever I want. I have to work to the limit, jump on a plane, and attend my own wedding, okay? Because, guess what? This shit ain’t free. And my wife hates it when I say that, so I say it every single time, okay? [audience laughs] I gotta work to the limit, make money, jump on a plane, and then get to my wedding. So, at 3:00 p.m. on the Friday of the flight, my wife calls me, and she’s, like– In The Daily Show office, she calls me, and she’s like… “Why aren’t you on your way to the airport?” At this point, my wife is in Australia, and my wife calls me at 3:00 p.m. in the Midtown Manhattan Daily Show office, and she says, “Why aren’t you on your way to the airport?” And I say, “Why would I go to the airport at 3:00 p.m. for a 10:00 p.m. flight?” [audience laughs] And my wife immediately starts crying. [breathes deeply] She says, “Because it’s not a 10:00 p.m. flight. It’s a 6:00 p.m. flight, you fucking idiot.” -[Ronny clicks tongue] [audience laughs] So, apparently, I made a small mistake there. Um… [audience laughs] I thought it was a 10:00 p.m. flight leaving JFK in New York City. It was actually a 6:00 p.m. flight leaving JFK. At 3:00 p.m., I was still in The Daily Show Midtown Manhattan office, and to make this flight, I would have to go home, pack… [audience laughs] …fight through Friday Manhattan rush hour traffic to get to JFK in time for an international flight in three hours to attend my own wedding. Herculean task, I know, but guess what? I believe in myself. -So… [audience laughs] …my wife immediately starts crying. She’s like… [sobs] “How can you let this happen?” I hang up the phone. I throw it against the wall. Because now is not the time for negative energy! [audience laughs and applauds] Okay? [audience cheers] That’s right. We are in problem-solving mode. Okay? There’s plenty of time at a later date to assign blame to all parties responsible… [audience laughs] …for this fucking fiasco. But for the moment, can we just focus on positive energy and solutions only? Thank you. So I hang up the phone, throw it against the wall, and I run home. Fifteen minutes, I sprint home. And I get home in 15 minutes, and I pack in five minutes. I know I packed in five minutes because as soon as I got home, I said, “Alexa, time five minutes.” And then… [audience laughs] …Alexa was like, “Would you also like me to buy you a watch and a clock?” I was like, “Buy whatever the fuck you want. I don’t have time for this now.” “Okay, well, I’m going to buy all that stuff right now!” Then some guy came to my house immediately. I was like, “Get the fuck out of my house!” I took my luggage and I put my tux in there, one t-shirt, and one sock, ’cause there was gonna be a crazy after-party, and then I zipped up my luggage, and I ran downstairs. I hit the New York City street level with my luggage. Crucial decision to make: Do you take the taxi, or do you take the subway? Okay? And Google Maps says that the taxi will be an hour and a half through traffic. Google Maps says that the subway will be 59 minutes. So I go, “Okay, fuck it. I’m going to take the subway. Because I can’t live with taking a taxi, and getting stuck in traffic, and missing this flight. I’ll take the subway. At least I’m always in motion. And if I miss the flight, I’ll just find a new wife, all right? So… [audience laughs] So I take my luggage. I run down the New York City subway stairs, holding my luggage. I’m running down the New York City subway stairs. I hit the New York City subway platform, and there’s a train right there. And its doors start closing in front of me. [audience laughs and applauds] And I go… [yelling] “I know what to do in this situation!” [grunts] And I’m trying to put my head in the door, and I can’t… I can’t get to the door in time. I can’t even reach it. Even my hand, I can’t even reach it. It’s too far away. I’m trying to make the trade with the train gods. I’m like, “Take my hand, train gods, for safe passage. It’s worth it. Take it.” And I can’t reach the door. And the doors are closing, and this black guy is standing right at the door. And he sees me doing this. And we make eye contact. And then he just puts his foot right on the door. [audience cheers] Yeah. And the door is, like, slamming against him the whole time, but he doesn’t give a fuck because he’s black, right? [audience laughs] Slamming against him… And he looks at me and he’s like, “Get the fuck in the…” I was like, “Shit! He’s holding it open for me.” So I grab my luggage. I jump in the subway. I’m like… [breathlessly] “Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, my God! You don’t understand what you just did, man. You just saved my… You just saved my wedding. You just saved my marriage. You definitely saved my life.” And this guy, he’s black so he’s, like, too cool for school. And he’s like, “Nah, don’t worry about it.” [audience laughs] And I’m like, “No, you don’t understand.” I’m, like, trying to make him understand, like, what just happened. Like, look at this text message. And he starts getting weirded out by me, he’s like… “Fuck this.” And he, like, leaves to the next carriage. And I realize I’m being the creepy person on the train right now. Because I’m sweating, holding my luggage, I’m not wearing pants, I’m going, “Thank you! [yelling] Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you, everybody! Can someone spare some change, please? Can you please spare some change? Anything helps.” And so instead of trying to thank him in the moment, which is way too creepy a move, I just take a photo of his face when he isn’t looking, all right? [audience laughs] So at a later date, when I have enough Instagram followers, I can post this photo and be like, “Does anybody know this guy? ‘Cause he fucking saved my wedding!” Also, sometimes I look at his face when I’m feeling sad. [audience laughs] It was a dream run. Dream run to the airport. Fifty-nine minute dream run, then plus the AirTrain, all that bullshit. And the saving grace was that it was an international flight, but the first leg is domestic. So it’s New York to LA, LA back to Melbourne, Australia. And if it’s a domestic flight, if you get there an hour beforehand, you’re good. So I get there at, like, 4:55 p.m. 6:00 p.m. flight. You get there before 5:00 p.m. you’re good. I get there are 4:55 p.m. I take my luggage. I check that shit in. I’m like, “Did I make it?” They’re like, “You made it. You’re fine.” I’m like, “Oh, my God! Thank you! [laughs] I can’t believe I made it.” I’m in the lounge sipping champagne by 5:15 p.m. [audience laughs] I’m like, “I’m a genius.” My wife calls me. She’s still crying. She’s like, “How can you let this happen?” I’m like, “Hey, baby, no, don’t worry. I made it. I checked in. I’m waiting to board. Everything’s gonna be okay.” “But it doesn’t change the fact that you forgot the time and you risked everything–” And I hang up the phone. I throw it against the wall. [audience laughs] Because now is not the time for commiseration, okay? We just went through some serious challenges in our relationship. There’s plenty of time at a later date to assign blame to all parties responsible for this fucking fiasco. But for the moment, can we just focus on the present and celebrate successes as they come? Thank you. [audience laughs] So I hang up the phone. I throw it against the wall. And at 5:15 p.m., I’m sipping champagne… [sips] [sighs] And at 5:30 p.m., there’s a four-hour flight delay. [audience laughs] So by the time I get to LA, I missed the connection back to Melbourne, Australia, and so I missed the tea ceremony. I missed the most traditional Chinese part of the wedding. All the families were there. They were very upset. My in-laws were upset, my own family was upset, my wife was definitely upset. Our marriage started off on a very rocky term. I’m still making up for it to all parties involved, my in-laws and my own parents. But that’s not the point. The point is… [audience laughs] …that the black guy stood in the subway… [audience laughs] …he put his foot on the door… [audience applauds] -…and he held the door open… like a real American exercising his right to fuck up the entire train line for one person, but he did for someone else! He did it for someone else! Which is what this beautiful country is about. It’s using the freedoms we have to help other people who don’t have that many freedoms… [audience cheers and applauds] …who don’t have what we have here. You guys have been awesome. Thanks for listening. I’ll see you guys later. Thank you. [audience cheers and applauds] Thank you! [cheering and applause continue] [“The Evening Primrose (Ye Lai Xiang)” by Li Xianglan plays] [woman singing in Chinese]

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John Mulaney: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/

Original air date: October 31, 2020 John Mulaney talks about New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s coronavirus briefings, the 2020 election and his grandmother.     Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney! [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the fourth time. [Cheers and applause] It’s the most anyone’s ever hosted. [Laughter] Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this, thank you for everyone here who did so much work to make something happen, because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us, the last responders. [Laughter] I live in New York City, I love New York City, I love that you’re all wearing masks. I’m a little sad about masks in New York City because it prevents you from overhearing conversations on the street, and that is one of the greatest joys. Just before Covid hit, in December I was downtown, I was on west 12th street. I was walking downtown, I was on west 12th, and I’m walking this way, and this guy’s coming towards me this way. He’s on a cell phone. We’re both downtown. As he walks past me, I hear him go, “no, no, no, I can’t meet right now, I’m way uptown.” And then he looked at me, and he winked. That’s the best guy I’ve ever seen in my life. [Cheers and applause] A lot of people binge watch tv during quarantine. I only watched one series during quarantine, an hour-long dramedy called, “The daily press conferences of governor Andrew Cuomo.” [Cheers and applause] Yes. It’s great. It told the story of an Italian-American father — [laughter] who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High jinks ensue. He learns a lot about being a father, a little bit about being a governor. [Laughter] I love those press conferences. He would walk out every day a little too excited then he’d sit down and be like, okay, “today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day. As if backstage, one of his gibronis was like, “there’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and start his rhythm. He’d be like, “we are New York tough, and we are New York tough, and we are New York tough because we are New York strong, and we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like smurf language after a while. “New York language is very New York to New Yorkers. What was there that it was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Sometimes he’d be talking about like a situation it’s what we’re all going through and it was clearly something going down in the Cuomo household at the moment. “We’re all trying to figure this out. Say your brother wants to take the kids to see grandma. And he says, ‘well, what if I brought the kids just halfway into the house, and she stayed on the other side of the kitchen?’ I said, ‘it’s an airborne illness. You can’t have the kids even that close to grandma.’ She says, ‘well, it’s important for them to see their grandmother.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into my mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.” I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. [Laughter] I’m afraid he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums, “hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” Everyone’s like, “play Covid!” [Laughter and applause] And by the way, he’s our least-weird politician of America, like 45 of the weird ones. Oh, yes. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd there is an elderly man contest. [Laughter] There’s two elderly men and you’re supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like and then we’ll add ’em all up and then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man.” Just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish, families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. [Laughter] When she does, she’ll deliver, she’s so good at being on TV. [Cheers and applause] That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls. [Laughter] And they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her and that’s the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. And then the parents of the girl throwing the sleepover will have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say “can you come pick her up?” Then that moment where the dad has to sit at the dining room table while they wait for the pickup. He’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat, looking stoic. They have nothing to talk about, you know, so he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. [Laughter] He kind of implies she gets it from the wife… [Laughter] All of that will still continue. [Cheers and applause] It is America. But, but you should vote. You gotta vote. Vote as many times as you can. [Laughter] Vote, and don’t just– Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill it in. If a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank,” you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American. [Laughter] My nana is going to vote. She’s 94 years old. [Cheers and applause] Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? [Laughter] And this is — look, this is my opinion, and I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the door so no one hears it? [Laughter] I don’t think maybe she should vote. You don’t get to vote when you’re 94-years-old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant! [Applause] I’m sorry. That joke is ageist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourself the Greatest Generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercials! [Cheers and applause] I love my grandma. I love my nana. You know, when you’re a little kid, you love your grandma totally. But, as you get older you start to be like, “why does that old lady make mom so nervous?” Something must have happened there. But my nana is a great, eccentric, wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88, that’s not even the point of the story. [Laughter] She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was not flattering. I take her side, I also thought it was unflattering. Mainly because it was a photo of an 88-year-old woman. [Laughter] Her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV and tell them she lost her license. She gets to the DMV, she said, I’ve lost my license, I need a new license and a new photo. The guy at the DMV says, “do you have any proof of I.D.?” She took out her license. She told me, “we stared at each other for a moment, then I said, you’ve caught me in a lie and I took my license and left.” A couple of summers ago I was with my nana and I walked her to the car, I had to, not like when you walk a bridesmaid, I had to hold her up. And, I got her to her car. Her car’s like brown or gray, it has no brand, I think the government gave it to her. [Laughter] We get to her door, I get her to the car and I open the door. And, she looks at me and she says, “you know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry!” [Laughter] And then she drove off. [Cheers and applause] We have a great show for you tonight. The strokes are here, ladies and gentlemen! [Cheers and applause] Stick around. We’re going to be right back.

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Bill Burr: Snl Monologue (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/

Original air date: October 10, 2020 Host Bill Burr does stand-up about the COVID-19 pandemic, cancel culture and white women.     Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr! [Cheers and applause] ♪ Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you. I am so — I am so excited to be here I have been doing standup forever, and this has always been a lifelong dream of mine to come and host “Saturday Night Live. So thank you so much for coming out… [Cheers and applause] …coming out during these difficult times. You got to look like surgeons with your masks on, makes me feel comfortable that you’re wearing masks I like people who wear masks that’s good. You’re listening to the eggheads, the people we all cheated off of in high school, right? Keep listening to them and then if you don’t wear a mask, that doesn’t bug me either, right? Take out your grand parents. You know, take out your weak cousin with the asthma, I don’t care, it’s your decision, there’s too many people. It’s a dream come true if you’re that dumb and you want to kill your own family members, by all means, do it. Stops you from reproducing, it’s literally a dream come true. And speaking of dreams come true — did you see Rick Moranis got sucker punched on the upper west side? New York is back, baby! [cheers and applause] New York is back, yes! We lost our x-factor for a minute, city started looking like a giant bed, bath & beyond then bam Ricky took one in the chops. It had to happen that’s what happens when you stick an M&M’s store in Times Square, all right? The universe has to balance itself, get the peep shows back in times square, old people can walk safely 40 blocks away. I don’t know I’ll probably get canceled for doing that, you know, how stupid that is canceled thing they’re literally running out of people to cancel. They’re going after dead people now. They’re trying to cancel John Wayne. It’s like, god did that 40 years ago. They’re all up in arms. They’re like did you hear what he said in that interview in “Playboy” in 1970? Can you believe that it’s like, yeah. He was born in 1907. That’s what these people sounded like. You never talked to your grandparents and brought up the wrong subject? All of a sudden they went off the rails? Like oh, god keep making the cookies. Yeah, don’t bring up race or religion with your grandparents. You keep it simple. Anyway, I don’t know I know, I get — my grandparents are older, I don’t know. Plowing ahead. Plowing ahead, let’s talk — let’s talk white women here, shall we let’s talk white women amazing. Amazing your accomplishments over the last few years. The way white women somehow hijacked the woke movement generals around the world should be analyzing this. Just to refresh your memory, the woke movement was supposed to be about people of color. Not getting opportunities. Finally making that happen it was about that, for about eight seconds. Then somehow, white women swung their Gucci-booted feet over the fence of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the line. I don’t know how they did it! I’ve never heard so much complaining in my life from white women. I’m hurt with my SUV and heated seats you have no idea what it’s like to be me! Trashing white guys. The nerve– where’s the camera?– the NERVE of you white women [laughter] I don’t want to speak ill of my bitches here, okay I know let’s go back in history here, okay you guys stood by us toxic white males through centuries of our crimes against humanity. You rolled around in the blood money, and occasionally when you wanted to sneak off and hook up with a black dude, if you got caught, you said it wasn’t consensual. Yeah, that’s what you did! That’s what you did! So why don’t you shut up, sit down next to me, and take your talking-to [laughter] [applause] Thank you. So, I haven’t been in New York for about a year, you know I was here last year, shooting a movie. Had a great time with Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson, and all the guys… [cheers and applause] …yeah, had a great time. And I haven’t been here in like 13 years I immediately noticed how extra crowded the city was I was getting claustrophobic. What’s going on? People not using safe sex, making all these babies, you know, so I finally walked up to this New York door guy, what’s going on what’s with all these people he’s like, oh, no, don’t worry, it’s June. He goes, it’s pride month. And I’m like, what’s that? You know I’m 52, never heard of it, right? Didn’t have that when I was a kid. He goes, gay pride month and I was just like, oooh! You know when you’re just stuck in the matrix and you just can’t — everything’s pressed up, you can’t see anything somebody gives you that nugget of information that pulls it back why’s it so crowded? It’s gay pride month oh tank tops! Zero percent body fat! Two guys kissing rainbow flags! Aah! I didn’t know that that’s what I learned. The month of June is gay pride month. That’s a little long, don’t you think? For a group of people that were never enslaved how did they get all of June the black people were actually enslaved, they get February. They get 28 days of overcast weather. Sun goes down at 4:00 in the afternoon. Everybody’s shivering. Nobody wants to go on the parade [laughter] [applause] how about you hook them up with July these are equator people give them the sun for 31 days. There’s gay black people, they could celebrate from June 1st, June 31st, 61 days to celebrate. That’s my time we’ve got a great show for you guys!

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Chris Rock: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/

Original air date: October 10, 2020 Host Chris Rock does stand-up about Donald Trump contracting COVID-19, the pandemic and the U.S. government.     Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced —James Baldwin [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock! [cheers and applause] ♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Before we even get started let’s — you know, the elephant in the room. President Trump’s in the hospital from Covid and you know, I just want to say my heart goes out to Covid. [laughter] This is a special show, this show is quite different than every other show. There are so many — everybody in this audience has been checked and all week I’ve had things going up my nose. Every day I come in here I haven’t had so much stuff up my nose since I shared a dressing room with Chris Farley. [Laughter] I’ve got to say, the audience, this floor right here, are first respond — what are they, first responders all the audience right here. [Cheers and applause] Everybody here they’re first responders okay they’re so good, we let people die tonight so they could see a good show. Okay [laughter] Now, you know, everything’s — the world is insane right now. But one thing we can agree upon, Covid has ruined our plans we all used to have plans before Covid. Remember we used to be able to plan stuff my sister was getting married, man. I paid Bell Biv DeVoe $80,000. And I can’t get it back. [Laughter] I had tickets to Coachella, man. I know 200,000 Americans are dead, but I’m not seeing Rage Against the Machine this year, man [laughter]. That is a travesty. Now, one thing I’ve noticed about this whole pandemic. People are like reassessing their relationships. That’s the big thing taking inventory you know, a lot of break-ups, a lot of divorces. And a lot of like renegotiations you know couples stay together but they’re like “okay, we’re going to stay together but I’m telling you exactly what I don’t like about you right now. [Laughter] If we’re going to keep this going you’re going to have to change some stuff. Okay.” And it’s weird we’re doing that with our relationships. All of us are doing that with our relationships. But I think we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government you know [applause] it’s like — yeah, we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government it doesn’t work. I mean, I think Joe Biden should be the last president ever [laughter] we need a whole new system okay I mean, do we even need a president president? Or just figure out a new way to do the job I mean, what job do you have for four years no matter what? [Laughter] show me one job. Like if you hired a cook and he was making people vomit every day, do you sit there and go, “well, he’s got a four-year deal”? We’ve just got to vomit for four more years [laughter] I mean, to be the president of the United States all you have to be is 35 and born in the United States. So you know, if anybody can be the president, then anybody can be the president… [applause] That’s how we got in this predicament. You know what I mean– I mean, it should be some rules to being the president. You realize there’s more rules to a game show than running for president? [Laughter] Like, Donald Trump left a game show to run for president because it was easier. [Laughter] That’s right, there’s rules to be on “Jeopardy!” You can’t just jump on “Jeopardy!” you can’t throw your son on “Jeopardy!” Or your son-in-law Steve Harvey can’t put his family on “Family Feud.” [Laughter] It’s like real scrutiny, man and do the democrats even want to win do they even want to win it’s like trump, he runs against — the democrats just keep putting up 75-year-old people to run against Trump. Now, hey, one thing we can say about trump. He got the most energy of any 75-year-old person on the face of the earth– even Mick Jagger‘s like, “slow down, Donald.” [Laughter] You know, Trump is like — he’s like a dominant female boxer he’s like Ronda Rousey like damn, it she can fight. And then you go, “oh, she hitting girls.” [Laughter] We’ve got to figure out our whole relationship we’ve got to renegotiate our relationship to the government the senate and the congress doesn’t work no, it doesn’t freaking work, man. It doesn’t work. And why doesn’t it work? Because they need freaking term limits okay we’ve agreed in the united states that we cannot have kings. Yet we have dukes and duchesses running the senate and the congress making decisions for poor people. [Applause] That’s right rich people making decisions for poor people. That’s like your handsome friend giving you dating advice like “I think you should go over there and grab her by the ass and tell her it’s yours.” Yeah, that works for you, Idris. [Laughter] Hey, we’ve got to take this serious. We’ve got to get out there we’ve got to vote. But they don’t want us to vote, the government does not want you to vote. Why do I know they don’t want you to vote? Because election day’s a Tuesday in November. [Laughter] Why– anybody here ever put something on a Tuesday in November– does anybody get married on a Tuesday in November? Church ain’t on a Tuesday. [Laughter] Even Jesus avoids Tuesday. [Laughter] You know, if this show was “Tuesday Night Live,” it would have got canceled in 1975. [Laughter] I mean, that’s why we’ve got to vote, man. And we’ve got to take it seriously. We’ve got to take it serious you know, like I watch the republicans take it serious. You know, you watch fox news, Sean Hannity‘s mean. Every day! He’s looking you in the camera, he’s telling you it’s the end of the world. Listen to me and every time I see Anderson Cooper, he’s with Andy Cohen on new year’s eve, blowing a kazoo. [Laughter] Drinking rose. It’s like of course they believe Sean. You know, Walter Cronkite was like the most respected man in news you know why ’cause we never saw him in shorts [laughter] okay? But we’ve got to take this serious, man we’ve got to take the whole government serious we’ve got to take the — everything going on right now, we can lick this okay we can beat this if we all work together. You know, James Baldwin said, “not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced” okay [cheers and applause] all right? We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Megan thee stallion is here. So stick around! And we’ll be right back. [Cheers and applause]

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Dave Chappelle: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/

Original air date: November 07, 2020     [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen — Dave Chappelle! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you all for being here. [Cheers and applause] Pretty incredible day. [Cheers and applause] You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell, but, all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met, but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was a slave for ten years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children, and he learned how to read. Got enamored with education and dedicated his life to three things: Education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut in the AME Church. It was a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me, because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host the Saturday Night Live. Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, The Chappelle Show. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. [Laughter] Yeah, if he could see me now he’d probably be like, “this n i g g a got bought and sold more than I have.” [Laughter] [applause] This morning after the results came in, got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t. [Laughter] Do you guys remember what life was like before Covid? I do. There was a mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for Covid. [Laughter] Someone had to lock these murderous whites up, keep them in the house. [Laughter and applause] All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in a small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So what I did is I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield, and these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? [Cheers and applause] And the local farmers, my neighbors, started to complain that my shows were too noisy. In a cornfield! [Laughter] Too noisy in a cornfield. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in the cornfield. It was so embarrassing. [Laughter] I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything. They probably watch me right now, they are probably at home like, “HONEY, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!” [Laughter] “No, you big dummy. The guy from television is at the grocery store.” [Laughter] [cheers and applause] Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. You ever heard of that website? Farmersonly.com. A website that begs the question, what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers? [Laughter] That’s gross. They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening, managed to hear them talk about me. They’re saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids are trying to sleep, and all they hear is the “n” word.” I said, “Was I saying it, or were you?” [Laughter and applause] Hear that twang in his voice. You know that twang where you hear that accent, like “Oooh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.” [Laughter] I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to the Walmart too. [Moans and applause] Wear your Klan hood at Walmart so we can all feel safe. [Laughter] In a state like in Ohio, for instance, right, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work. So a lot of people don’t wanna work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. Well, you a black fellow, you a young fellow, though, you don’t know about Ronald Reagan. You remember what Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, how we’re welfare people, and drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? [Laughter] Stimulus checks, the heroin. And the rest of the country is trying to move forward, and these white n i g g a s keep holding us back. [Cheers and applause] Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive. Try wearing the mask I been wearing all these years! I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people, we’re the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites come, hurry, quick, come get your n i g g a lessons. [Laughter] You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together? There was just white people alone in the club dancing? You ever seen that old footage? How did they look? [Laughter] This is what they look like at the back! You need some black eyes to look at you like — “Uh-uh! Hmmm, stop doin that.” [Laughter] Now Trump is gone. [Cheers and applause] A lot of people don’t like him, but I thought the guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I look at it like, there’s bad people on both sides? [Light laughter] All right, just trying it out. [Laughter] Called the coronavirus the kung flu. I said, you racist — hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that, not you! [Laughter] It’s wrong when you say it. Saw him on a press conference one time, Donald Trump’s a wild guy, you ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “What about a very powerful light? Directly in the body?” I say, what? Did this man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane! He went further. “What about some bleach? Some bleach directly in your body.” I said, oh, boy. Secret service is gonna have to childproof the White House now, he’s gonna try to drink the bleach! “Mr. President, don’t touch that stove, it’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house like this, Mr. President.” [Laughter] Scariest part about that — one of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me, and she just watched him say it. It was crazy. Her face was looking like, “He might be right.” [Laughter] I saw that, I said, “Oh, that’s why — that’s why. That’s why women make half.” [Moans and laughter] Did I trigger you? [Laughter] I don’t know what it is. Half, maybe 70%, whatever it is, it’s too much. [Laughter] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a woke meeting in here. [Laughter] And after all of that you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t that something? [Laughter] You know, when he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news. But you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. [Laughter] It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” [Laughter] [applause] This guy’s running around like the outbreak monkey. Looked like a 1970s penis, raw-dogging earth. [Laughter] The day after, he made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen!” Which is a ridiculous thing — Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t any bigger than everybody else’s mask, Mr. President. [Laughter] Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. [Laughter] Right in his front yard. Helicopter came. Remember that video? He’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one wanted to be around him. Usually he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people. No one’s around him this time, because you know, you know, he had the rona. [Laughter] Had his mask on then, didn’t he? He’s walking. [Laughter] Helicopter took him to Walter Reed hospital. You know, I’m from D.C. and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not close to the White House, but you can walk. [Laughter] Team of doctors was waiting for him, all the doctors came around, gave him experimental medicine and stuff, and flew him back home in the helicopter. And then he walked right up the steps — you ever seen this video? — he took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, and then he walked right in the house, killed four more people. [Laughter] I said, 700 dollars and 50 cents in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir? [Laughter] Some cold stuff, man. That’s some cold stuff. That would be like me going to the homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and saying, “These is mines.” [Laughter] And then just start eating in front of all the homeless. “Don’t let hunger dictate your life!” [Laughter] [applause] That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie‘s fat ass is in the ICU, fighting for his life. [Laughter] Chris Christie got all the fixins. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, mmm-mmm! Herman Cain‘s black ass has been dead for two weeks! Where’s his secret serum? That’s your leader! Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but I’ve been black a longtime, I’ve noticed a pattern…[Laughter] But if you’re a good white, and you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. This is my plan. It’s called the kindness conspiracy. Random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person — just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. [Laughter] It’s a very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black — and they didn’t deserve it. If you driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack, destroying his community… buy him an ice cream. Just buy him some ice cream. He’ll be suspicious… but he’ll take it. [Laughter] [cheers and applause] I would implore everybody who’s celebrating a day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping. Because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they are mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t. Let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you, I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer, and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them — Oh, man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through. You got to find a way to live your life. You got to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that — come get these n i g g a lessons. Thank you very much and good night! [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪

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Sam Morril: I Got This (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sam-morril-i-got-this-2020-transcript/

Sam Morril second one-hour special “I Got This” was released on the Comedy Central Stand-Up YouTube page in February 2020. (audience cheering) Okay. Thank you for coming out in horrible weather for this. I appreciate it. This is a good thing. It’s a good time to be alive. Great time to be a man, right? The bar is nice and low. (audience laughing) It’s nice. I was with a girl the other night. She said, “I don’t think we should have sex.” I was like, oh, that’s cool. And then she goes, “Wow, you’re a great guy.” (audience laughing) I was like, that’s all it takes? (audience laughing) I’m pretty sure the alternative is a felony. I don’t know if I’m a great guy, but I’ll take it. I had a good mom growing up, you know? Ever since I was a little kid, my mom would say, “No means no,” and she was talking about cookies, but I put it together, you know? I met a girl after a show in Florida. I’m not bragging, but I do pretty well in Tampa, (audience laughing) and… she said, “I’ll drive you back to your hotel, “but there’s no way that I’m coming upstairs.” I said, whatever you want to do is fine with me. So, in the parking lot, we’re making out. She said, “All right, I’ll come upstairs, “but there is no way that you’re getting laid.” And I was like, am I being recorded right now? (audience laughing) This feels like a #MeToo sting operation. (audience laughing) So, very loudly into her chest, I said, that’s totally cool. (audience laughing) This is Sam Morril, March 22nd, 2018. (audience laughing) Timestamp. No, I like consent. Consent is the shit. Consent, that’s the best part, the consent. Sometimes I get the consent and then I just, I go home and I jack off instead. (audience laughing) Get a good eight hours of sleep. (audience laughing) And my friends asked, “Did you get laid last night?” And I say, no, but I got the consent, so, pretty cool. No, I take the #MeToo movement very seriously. I won’t even watch office porn anymore. That’s how… (audience laughing) You can laugh. It’s a nice gesture, it is, you know. I used to like office porn, but now I see it and I’m like, he should not have done that. (audience laughing) There should be a guy that comes on at the end like, yeah, he doesn’t work here anymore. That was crazy. There was this gay porn star. I was reading about this guy. That’s how I know this. (audience laughing) And he… I do a lot of reading. And he got banned from all these porn sites because he has Nazi tattoos on his chest, which you gotta be kind of a scumbag for porn sites to be like this doesn’t really align with our values. (audience laughing) We’re kind of a family here at Gang.net, and… We’re disappointed. It was hard for me to come out tonight, you know? It’s not the weather, it’s my neighbors are breaking up, but I didn’t want to miss it, you know? It sounds very painful for them, so I don’t feel good about it, but have you ever heard a relationship unravel from the comfort of your own couch? (audience laughing) It’s kind of nice. I’ll be watching the game and I hear the fight start and I have to hit mute so I can listen. (audience laughing) I was watching tennis and I just overheard her go, “Oh, yeah?” and I was like click. (audience laughing) She just yells out, “You have a tiny dick.” And I was like, cancel my plans. (audience laughing) This is more important. And then he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re a fucking bitch.” And I was like all right, so far she’s winning for sure, you know? Not even close. And then she goes, “Oh, yeah? “Your dick is so small…” So, she’s recycling material, but, still a devastating blow, you know? Not easy to come back from. And then he yells out, “Oh, yeah? “Well, your pussy stinks.” And I was like, all right, we got a match on our hands here. (audience laughing) And it’s going back and forth so much, it almost starts to sync up with the tennis match where it’s like tiny dick, stinky pussy. Tiny dick, Stinky pussy. So, finally, I had to knock on the door. I said, hey, it’s Sam from across the hall. Long-time listener, first-time knocker. (audience laughing) You guys are killing it. I wore a little referee shirt. I said both of you should drop your pants. I’ll settle this right now, you know? (audience laughing) Breakups, man, they’re painful, right? They don’t feel good. I got a text from my ex not too long ago. Out of the blue, she wrote, “Just so you know, “I’m seeing this new guy.” And I wrote back, oh, wow, okay. And then she wrote, “What, you didn’t think “I was ever gonna date ever again?” And I said, no, I didn’t remember signing up for the push notifications, you know? (audience laughing) I’d like to hear less from you and the HuffPo if possible. (audience laughing) But neither of you will leave me be. (audience laughing) You know, the problem is we have sex ed when we’re kids, but we need relationship ed. That’s where we need the help. I don’t need help with how to put a condom on. I need help with what to do when she starts packing her . (audience laughing) That’s where I need the guidance. She’s like, I don’t love you anymore. And I’m like, cool, Coach Mitchell did not cover this part, but I could show you where the is. She’s like now’s not a good time. I’m like, keep me posted. I wear a condom every time. You have to. It’s not fun, but you gotta do it. It’s like doing volunteer work. (audience laughing) ‘Cause during, I’m like this kind of shucks, but then afterwards, I’m always thinking good for me. (audience laughing) Yeah. I do it for the kids, that’s why, you know? (audience laughing) Gotta wear a condom. It’s not the best, but you know. Lambskin, anyone do a lambskin condom? Yeah, you do it? What do you think? You like it? It’s so much better? It is, yeah, no one else? It’s just me and her? We’re the only shepherds in the house tonight? What happened? (audience laughing) It is good, right? It feels better. Here’s how you do it if you don’t know. You in a lambskin, and then you eat a gyro, and then you go out in a wool sweater. You gotta use the entire animal. That’s how you do it. I feel bad in relationships ’cause I’m very disappointing, you know? I really am. I think women are like, he’s a comic, he’ll be fun. I’m fun. There’s other stuff. I’m like the Dominican Republic, you know? I’m great for like five days, and then… (audience laughing) Then I go this has some problems I was not aware of. (audience laughing) I’m not Haiti, but I’m in the vicinity of what that is. Weird time. And I feel for you women. Look, the #MeToo stuff, I get it. It’s a very emotional issue. It’s also a very important issue. It’s a weird combo, though. You know, sometimes I’ll see posts that as a man, it doesn’t fully resonate. I saw a post the other day that said, there’s nothing more feared than an intelligent woman. I was like that’s not true. (audience laughing) That’s not even in my top five. (audience laughing) And I frighten easily, but I’ve never been on the subway at two in the morning and been like, oh no. (audience laughing) This looks like a pack of valedictorians right here. (audience laughing) Hope they’re not summa cum laude. (audience laughing) So much has changed. It’s kind of crazy if you think about it. I think about some of these movies from the ’80s, these sex comedies like Porky’s or Revenge of the Nerds. I love those movies. They always had that scummy best friend. You know the guy I’m talking about? He’d always ask questions like, “Did you get laid last night?” If he said no, he’d be like, “This guy blew it.” I miss that character ’cause it’s gonna be extinct. They’re gonna remake these movies. They’re gonna have to write in a woke best friend. Some guy like, “Did you smash last night?” Nah, we just talked. And he’s like, “Well, sometimes a conversation “is equally fulfilling, so…” (audience laughing) That’s kind of cool. A lot’s changed. Some of it’s for the better, obviously. I remember in college not that long ago, they would say things like don’t go to that frat house. They roofie. That’s a thing they would say out loud. And I’d be, oh my God, should we do something? Like, no, just don’t go there. (audience laughing) That’s it? (audience laughing) I got roofied at a party in college by accident, but you know, it still counts. Obviously, it was an accident. No one at the party was like I’m gonna roofie that hairy boy over there. Let me… (audience laughing) Let me a passed-out werewolf tonight. (audience laughing) That is male privilege right there, isn’t it? I just told a room full of people I got roofied. I did not see one concerned face in here. (audience laughing) Everyone in here is like I assume things worked out for you, and they did. Still weird, though. Here’s what happened. I was at a party and this guy handed a girl a drink, and she said, “I’m too drunk.” And I said, I’ll drink it. And he gave me this hateful look, and I thought, why is this guy so mad at me? And then I chugged it, and I woke up the next morning, and I was like oh. That guy’s a sexual predator. (audience laughing) And my friend said you ruined his night. And I was like, that’s not how I want to think about it, you know? (audience laughing) You don’t want to think of yourself as a -block to some monster. (audience laughing) I prefer to think of myself as an accidental hero. (audience laughing) I have a negative-one rapes, so, you know. Statistically, you know… I can’t, you guys. I can’t take all the credit, you know? It’s kind of like if I was driving drunk and I just swerved and accidentally hit a mugger. (audience laughing) And some woman is like, “My hero,” and I’m like if you say so, but I might have a substance abuse problem, so… It’s hard not to drink man. It’s very hard. I work in a place where there’s a bar every night. I’ve been trying to be good. It’s very difficult. I read this article that said try to replace drinking with another activity like tennis with a friend. I was like, yeah, that’s a very helpful example. That’s always the crossroads I find myself at at 4:57 a.m. I can’t tell you how often I’m coming out of a blackout like I should have done doubles instead. That’s… I brought my Wilson racket and everything. You tell me to replace an addiction with cardio, that’s very helpful. I’m gonna start walking into halfway houses full of crack heads like have you guys done Zumba? (audience laughing) It’s so much better than crack. (audience laughing) They’re like, thanks, we didn’t know. That was helpful. Of course you want to get fucked up. Have you tried living? (audience laughing) I’m happy and I want to get fucked up. Have you watched the news? It makes you want to drink. Another mass shooting after another mass shooting. It’s always the same thing, too. It’s always some guy who’s like I heard voices in my head. We all do. (audience laughing) Everyone hears voices in their head. Good people just don’t listen to them. If I listened to all the voices in my head, I would be a sometimes-gay street fighter, so… (audience laughing) I know. It sounds like a confusing video game. It’s not, you know? Why is E. Honda butt-fucking me? Wow. That’s his finisher. (audience laughing) Every mass shooter, it was a very quiet man. That should be part of the background check for guns, right? You want this gun, you better be chatty. (audience laughing) Do my podcast. We’ll see if you’re an extrovert. I don’t trust it. (audience laughing) It’s a sad time to live in. There’s school shootings now. It’s horrible, ’cause now getting held back is a real threat. (audience groaning) Do you want to go to summer school? Please, I’ve already done two tours of freshman year. I don’t want to… Some of these jokes, the content you’re not gonna like, but structurally, they’re gonna be really solid. So, that helps. It does help with it. Look, these shootings are so senseless and horrible that sometimes these anchors try to make sense of them on the news and they try to sound profound. It just comes out wrong. I was watching this guy after a shooting, and he said now would be a good time to be around people. I was like, yeah, that sounds a lot like where the tragedy happened, so I’mma stay at home alone. (audience laughing) And if I die, it’s gonna be from autoerotic asphyxiation, okay? On my terms. (audience laughing) That’s a better way to… That’s how I want to go. Peacefully in my own hotel closet. (audience laughing) That’s a weird fetish, right? Autoerotic asphyxiation. You gotta choke yourself to come? I don’t know. How do you even find out you’re into that? Are you just jerking off in a turtleneck, and you’re like, hmm… (audience laughing) I like where this is going. A little more presh… (audience laughing) I was just in California. They have a 10-day wait for the guns. That’s a good rule. A gun should never be an impulse buy. You should never be returning a gun like we made up, so… (audience laughing) You know what’s weird? They always bring up the founding fathers. Every gun debate, they bring up the founding fathers, right? They always say, “The founding fathers had guns.” They did. They also had wigs. (audience laughing) It was a long time ago. That’s how long ago it was. They thought a powdered wig was a good look, so… That’s my stance on guns. You could have a gun, but I think you should have to wear the wig. (audience laughing) Right? ‘Cause at least then, I can tell who’s dangerous from afar. If I’m trying to get into my apartment at two a.m. and I turn around and see a Ben Franklin-looking motherfucker, I just hope that’s not an intelligent woman, honestly. (audience laughing) Yeah. If you got to go in the hood, it’s gonna look like the cast of Hamilton, but… (audience laughing) They always bring up the founding fathers. They never mention the fact these people had a life expectancy of the mid-30s, so it probably wasn’t a big deal when they got shot. I would assume most funerals were like, look, he had three to five years left, tops, so. That’s like getting shot now in your 80s, which would almost be kind of cool. (audience laughing) How would you rather die? Connected to tubes for three months? Would you rather go out like a G? (audience laughing) I wanna die in my 80s in a gang-related incident. (audience laughing) I want my obituary to say, “Comedian Sam Morril was shot dead today at the age of 87.” (audience laughing) His last words: “Thug life”… (audience laughing) as he emptied the clip. There’s so much to be scared of, too, isn’t there? Incels, there are new words you have to learn. Incels. The involuntary celibate. So, they don’t get laid, so they become terrorists, and they look a lot like me. It’s very upsetting. (audience laughing) That’s a certain type of person, ’cause I have married friends that don’t get laid. They haven’t made the jump to ISIS, but maybe they should. ISIS lacks that type of diversity. They don’t have enough divorced men. (audience laughing) Just a bunch of dudes, “Death to the infidels,” and one guy like, “Also Karen.” “I mean, we gotta kill Karen, too, right?” You ever read the botched terrorist missions? Those are my favorites, the ones who couldn’t cut it? There were these guys around 9-11. They were getting too drunk at strip clubs in Florida. I love the fact that you can come to this country hating us, and then you go to a few strip clubs, and you’re like, they’re not that bad. (audience laughing) It turned out to be a false report, though, because they said they were going to strip clubs and dive bars and even college parties. I was like, oh, man, that’s such a bummer, because that’s where you want to meet a terrorist, at like a mixer. (audience laughing) They’re like, we used to be Al-Qaeda. Now we’re Sigma Chi, so… (audience laughing) The objective is still virgins, but, you know… (audience laughing) I think about it all the time. I think about all these scary ways you could die traveling. I read this story about a depressed pilot who nose-dove a plane and killed all these people on-board, so, you know, that’s gotta be a bummer. You know what the first thing I say when I get on flights now is I say, what a lovely day it is to be alive, and I just hope that positive energy trickles it way into the cockpit, and they’re like, yeah, it is good. ‘Cause I’ll be on flights sometimes, and the pilot comes on. He’s cheesy and people roll their eyes, but that’s what you want. (audience laughing) That guy’s still trying. (audience laughing) What do you want, a down-in-the-dumps captain? Hey, this is your pilot. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but you know, that’s life. It’s hard, so… (audience laughing) Says it’s gonna be a six-hour trip. We’re gonna land way sooner than that, so… Buckle up or don’t. I doesn’t matter. I’m gonna murder you. (audience laughing) Thanks for flying Spirit. (audience laughing) Depression, man, the depression is real. It really is. Someone sent me a very helpful article on depression recently. It said these are the foods you gotta eat if you’re depressed, which, thank God. If you’re at that point, just end it. Honestly, has that ever turned it around for anyone? I was gonna jump off a roof, but then I ate some dried mangoes, and I’m feeling good. They find your corpse on the sidewalk. I don’t understand. He ate so many cashews. Why would he… (audience laughing) I’m not built for air travel. I’m six-three, I’m lanky. I’m kind of weak, you know. I got a middle seat on my way back from L.A. recently. I get up to use the bathroom. I come back. The guy in the aisle is sleeping, which is very annoying, ’cause you knew I was coming back. (audience laughing) There’s no skydiving option on-board, okay? I had to return. And now I have to make a decision. Do I wake him up and piss him off? Or do I mount? (audience laughing) I think I’m more flexible than I am so I elected to mount. (audience laughing) And I have just horrible lateral balance. I did not stick the landing. My leg comes down on his leg. I’m on top of the guy. As I’m on top, I see his little sleeping mask come up. (audience laughing) What do you do, you know? I kissed him on the mouth. That’s what I did, you know. There was nothing sexual about it. It was a Godfather II Fredo kiss. I said, “I knew it was you.” (audience laughing) Mostly ’cause you were sitting here before, but… No, I’m not built for this travel-type lifestyle. It’s not working for me. I had to see a sports medicine doctor about my back and he gave me muscle relaxers. I said, “Hey, can I drink on these?” And he said, “Absolutely.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Are you sure?” and he said, “I do,” and I was like that wasn’t the question. (audience laughing) I said, “Are you sure it’s not gonna mess my liver up?” He said, “It’ll it up real bad. “It’ll be all right.” He’s not my doctor anymore, but we do hang out. He’s cool. (audience laughing) This guy texts me all the time. He texted me the other day, “Yo, what the fuck is up?” And I was like what medical school did you go to? (audience laughing) I’m gonna guess the Cayman Islands, you know. He tells me to swim at the rec center because of my back. I love it. I love the rec center. I don’t know if you ever been there. As a Jew, it’s fantastic. It’s just old Jews and Japanese men. If you had it bad during World War II, this is your spot, okay? Fantastic. Every time I go swimming, there is a morbidly obese woman on a noodle. She’s just floating horizontally across the lap lanes, and we just swim around her like she’s not there. (audience laughing) Part of the rec center code. And I can tell when there’s a new guy ’cause he looks confused, and I say, “That’s Cathy. (audience laughing) “I go right, you go left. “We’ve developed a system.” Then on the wall, it says “Rule Number One, “no swimming with diarrhea,” which I’m like, all right. (audience laughing) I agree. I kinda wish it weren’t Rule Number One. (audience laughing) I don’t know who that rule is for the most, the most motivated human who’s ever lived? (audience laughing) Some guy at home like, ugh. I’m still going, but… (audience laughing) “Rule Number Two: “Must wait two weeks after having diarrhea “to swim in the pool,” and I was like, all right, right out of the gate, mostly diarrhea-related rules, you know? Clearly, there’s an incident that we’re dancing around here. You know you didn’t pick a first-rate exercise facility when all the rules are like could you not shit on our stuff? It’s been a problem. (audience laughing) I love this place. Everything about it’s off. I went to the bathroom. I knock on the door, and the guy in the bathroom yells out, “Who is it?” (audience laughing) That’s not what you’re supposed to say. (audience laughing) You’re supposed to say, “I’m in here.” You’re not supposed to be expecting company (audience laughing) in the men’s rec room bathroom. (audience laughing) But I figured I’d give it a shot, so I said, “It’s Sam,” and he goes, “No.” (audience laughing) That was the right answer. (audience laughing) You’re gonna hate this next joke, but I’mma do it anyway. (audience laughing) This is how bad my back was. I read a headline in the paper that said graveyard worker had sex with over 100 dead bodies, and my first thought was that is a lot of digging. You know? (audience laughing) I know that’s a horrible person, but that’s also an unattainable fitness goal for me, and I would kill for that core strength. (audience laughing) How much true crime is there gonna be? Are you guys watching this like me? It’s so addictive, yeah. Give it up for all these murderers for all this great content. You keep killing, we’ll keep watching, that’s what I say. I don’t want to point fingers here, but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate. I don’t know if you’re paying attention. I would recommend never going home with us ever. If a woman goes home with you, she really trusts you, or she’s taking a chance, you know? So whenever I open the door, I always turn to her and I say, hey, thanks for rolling the dice, you know? I appreciate it. That’s all I watch is murder and standup. I’ve been doing this for a while. I see comics sometimes on Netflix. I’m like, this guy fucking stinks. I wonder if murderers watch true crime like, this is pretty disappointing. (audience laughing) Three murders in five years? I should be the one on television. (audience laughing) We all do it, but we’re getting desensitized. You ever just watch four straight episodes of Law & Order: SVU and it hits you, like, that was probably too much rape for a Sunday? I don’t know. (audience laughing) I’m not even paying attention. I’m folding laundry and I’m thinking, when did this become background noise in my life? I should not be consuming SVU like it’s smooth jazz, you know? The darkest plots you’ve ever seen, I’m watching one, the mom’s pushing her baby in the stroller. She turns around for a sec then turns back around. The baby’s gone. That’s not even bad parenting. That’s incredibly efficient kidnapping, by the way. You got to give credit where credit’s due, ’cause she was crying, “I’m a horrible mother,” and I was like, no, you ran into one of the greats. (audience laughing) That was like the Steph Curry of abduction. That was pretty flawless. See it on these dating sites, too. I read this article. It said that you gotta be careful on dating apps now because there are these gangs that’ll post pictures of really hot women, and then you show up on the date and they just rob and beat the out of you. That’s gotta be a bummer, ’cause it already sucks when it doesn’t look like the picture. That’s gotta suck extra. You show up for your date at two a.m. at the bridge, and… (audience laughing) eight dudes are walking toward you, and you’re like, Kathleen? (audience laughing) I was in an Uber right after a breakup. You ever just overshare with the driver? He said, “How are you?” I said, “Ah, I had this breakup.” He said, “Let me tell you some about breakups,” and the second he said that, I thought I might have fucked up. (audience laughing) He said, “You now what I did when my girlfriend left?” and I said, “What?” He’s like, “I fucked everyone. “You think that helped?” And I said, “No,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) All right. He said, “You know what else I did? “I called her up, I told her all about it. “You think that helped?” and I said, “God, no,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) And I said, “I’m gonna stop guessing “because you’re very unpredictable.” (audience laughing) Went on for 20 more minutes. I finally got out of the car. I was like, “Do you think that was helpful for me at all?” and he said, “Probably not,” and I said, “It was.” (audience laughing) One of the hard things about dating now is a lot of younger people are meaner. They’re very mean. That’s how they flirt. I think it’s called negging. I was talking to a girl after a show and my poster was up, and she goes, “Wow, you look really ugly in that picture.” I said, “Oh, that’s not very nice,” and she goes, “You’re a comedian.” I said, “Yeah, I’m also a human being, so.” (audience laughing) I enjoy pleasant conversation as well. And I was wearing a striped sweater, so she goes, “Nice sweater, did you wear it on purpose “or did you escape a pris-on?” She said, “pris-on.” (audience laughing) Which kind of bugged me. I was like, “I feel like you don’t know “a lot about pris-on.” (audience laughing) I said, “I’d like to escape this conversation.” She said, “That’s all you got?” And I said, “I have to be meaner to you to communicate?” She said, “Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Comedian.” I said, “Rather not.” She said, “Come on.” I said, “All right, you’re very pretty and I’m very lonely, “and I would still rather masturbate than pursue this. (audience laughing) “So, yeah.” So, we’re back and my place, and you know, yeah. It works, negging works, I’ll tell you. It really does. I was making out with her and it hit me, I don’t even like this person. I’m thinking, what am I doing? I’m making out with her, and I said, “Maybe we should stop.” And she goes, “What, you’re rejecting me?” And I said, “I don’t think this is a good idea,” and she said, “I’m really turned on now “that you’re saying no to me,” and I said, “You seem like a pretty unhealthy person.” (audience laughing) She said, “No one’s ever rejected me. “This is the most turned on I’ve ever been.” I said, “Well then, you’re gonna be super hot “for this Uber I just called you, okay? “Hopefully get the guy I got. “He loves to fuck.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I went on a date with a girl. She told me her last boyfriend was 60, which I thought was kind of shocking. I said, “That’s a pretty big age gap.” She said, “Let me tell you something. “There’s no difference between a 30-year-old dick”and a 60-year-old dick,” and I said, “I haven’t done the research, “but I feel like there is.” I’m gonna go with temperament. I think that’s the difference. A young is like an intern, up at the crack of dawn, over-eager, down for whatever. An old dick is like a CEO. He’s like, this better be important, okay? (audience laughing) I don’t have a lot of time. So, we’re on the date, we’re making out in the bar. She starts going underneath my pants, just looks me dead in the eye and goes, “Why aren’t you erect?” I was like, “Erect, what are you, a transformer? “Who talks like that? “I’ll tell you why, ’cause we’re kissing and I’m not 14. “Have you seen the shit that’s out there? (audience laughing) “You want to get me hard, “tell me you’re a dental assistant “and your husband’s coming home in five minutes. “Then we’ll talk, you know?” (audience laughing) I watch too much porn, so, I do. I’m aware of it. You notice it while you’re having sex sometimes. Like, if we’re having sex and it was good, and while we’re doing it, I just said, “I will eat your butt,” and she said, “You don’t have to do that,” and I was like, “Thank you.” (audience groaning) I overextended myself. Thanks for catching that one and reeling us back in. This porn is just not good. It’s all these dark topics. I saw a taboo link on a porn site, so I clicked on it, and it was incest porn. I was like, all right, you called my bluff. That is taboo. Then the next one was interracial, and I was like, they should divide these up a little better. I don’t know. What kind of racist porn site… Every porn category is just shit you should never do, right? Like fuck your best friend’s mom. That’s rude. (audience laughing) Blackmail your boss; it’s a place of business. It’s criminal, you know? We need some positive porn categories to rewire us. We need categories like couple that’s been together for a while, fucks after autism benefit. You’d be like, all right, well… (audience laughing) I’m not glad I jerked off at two p.m., but they raised a lot of money for those kids, you know? Instead of the money shot, it’s just a link that says donate now. (audience laughing) This side of the room is really fuckin into that joke, huh? (audience laughing) And this side of the room is Christian. (audience laughing) They were raised well. I don’t know, man, I’m happy I’m doing this is New York, you know, ’cause I’ve been on the road a lot. (audience cheering) No, I’m not… I’m not (coughing) pander, so… (audience laughing) No, I’m useless on the road. I can’t drive. I can drive, but if you were in a car with me, you’d be like pull over, I’mma drive. This is not good. I’m bad and reckless. That’s a bad combo. You ever get cut off by a reckless driver, then you catch up with ’em, you gotta see what they look like? It doesn’t matter what race or gender. Every time I see what they look like, I’m always like, “I fucking knew it.” (audience laughing) Could just be a white guy, I’m like, “Classic.” This is a classic white motherfucker. Takes what he wants, contributes nothing to society. I’m only gonna do the example for white people, but, you know. (audience cheering) Don’t want you to get uneasy. I heard a guy yell at a cab driver the other day. He said, “Learn the language.” That’s messed up, right? And guess what? It’s sometimes nice when they don’t know the language, right? You ever call a car to the airport at five a.m. and you get a little Korean guy? Like, oh, this might be a nice quiet ride. (audience laughing) Then you get on the highway and he’s like, “Weather’s weird,” and you’re like, fuuuck. (audience laughing) This jackoff learned the language. (audience laughing) I’m a Yellow Cab man. I don’t like Lyft or Uber. It’s not my thing. You know why? ‘Cause you rate them, they rate you. You’re both on your best behavior. It feels like a first date. (audience laughing) Even they way they pick you up feels like a blind date, right? They’re like, “Are you Sam?” and I’m like, “Yes.” (audience laughing) I like a Yellow Cab. It feels like a marriage. Neither of you are trying at all. (audience laughing) The second you get in, he’s mid-conversation on speakerphone. (audience laughing) I’m in the backseat eating Caribbean street food. (audience laughing) We’re both hammered, you know? (audience laughing) No one’s putting on airs. You ask him, “Hey, can you drop me right “in the front of my apartment?” He’s like, “Nah.” I respect that. (audience laughing) Good for you, holding your ground there. I did nothing all day, man. I did nothing. I watched the news. I saw an anti-smoking ad. It’s weird that they can do anti-smoking ads, but you can’t do pro-cigarette commercials. Isn’t that weird? They don’t give ’em a rebuttal. (audience laughing) And I’m not like a big cigarette guy, but I like one when I’m drunk sometimes. It’s nice. I thought of a good pro-cigarette commercial. How ’bout this for like a casual smoker? A hot girl walks up to a guy in the bar and asks to bum a cigarette, and he goes, oh, I don’t smoke. So then she goes outside and bums them from another guy, and they go home together and they fuck and that’s the whole commercial. (audience laughing) There at the end, it just says, “Wouldn’t kill you to carry a pack,” you know? (audience laughing) Marlboro: Just in Case. All right, I got some momentum. Let’s break out the abortion jokes. (audience laughing) If there was ever a time. My friend just had one, and her boyfriend didn’t contribute to the cost, which I thought was not cool, you know? She’s going through it, yeah. That’s not a very noble stance, I don’t think. That is how low the bar is. I’m like, guy should pay a little bit for the abortion, and women are like, he’s a hero. He really is. No, even the most pro-life person I talk to was like, wow, chivalry is dead. That was the baby’s name, Chivalry. (audience groans) I’m just saying. That one’s not for everybody, that joke. I did that joke the other night and somebody yelled out boo. I thought it was the baby’s ghost, but, you know. (audience laughing) I’m just saying there are still gentlemen. If I knock you up and you need an abortion, it’s on the house. (audience laughing) I’ll throw my Delta SkyMiles card right on the counter. Are you sure, Sam? I got this. With all the rewards and benefits that Delta has to offer, (audience laughing) I’d be a fool to do otherwise. (audience laughing) I’m two to three abortions away from Diamond Medallion status, so… (audience laughing) I’m losing some of you, but I’m gonna take it a step further here. (audience laughing) I think you should get extra SkyMiles points with an abortion, because that’s one less crying baby onboard, you know? (audience laughing) That, yeah, I don’t… (audience applauding) Me personally, I don’t like doing that part of the joke, but I have a sponsorship deal with Delta, and you know, they get very upset when I leave it out. They dock me Biscoff cookies. Love those cookies. I was talking to a guy after a show. He told me there was gonna be an anti-abortion parade, which I think he meant to say march, you know? (audience laughing) I don’t think there’s gonna be a parade, but if there is, I’ll be there. I want to see what the floats look like. (audience laughing) That one looks unfinished. That’s what we’re going for, so, yeah. (audience laughing) Back-to-back abortion jokes. I got greedy, guys, I did. I got a little greedy. (audience applauding) I’m a pretty liberal guy, but some of my friends now are so liberal that everything turns into slavery or the Holocaust in every conversation, you know what I’m talking about? I was talking to my friend the other day, and he goes, “Trump is Hitler.” I said, “All right, look, “we don’t know how hilarious Hitler would have been “on social media. “That’s not fair.” Hitler might have had a strong Twitter presence. Trapped in bunker, sad. (audience laughing) Adolf’s trending. I came across the article the other day on the internet. Just said fun facts about Hitler, which I think is a great title. (audience laughing) I’ve always said there aren’t enough upbeat pieces on the Fuhrer. (audience laughing) Fun fact about Hitler, didn’t pay income tax, was very bad at managing his money, and I thought, man, it’s too bad there wasn’t a group of people that could have helped, you know? (audience laughing) Jews. So… You know where that joke did not hit? Naples, Florida, okay? (audience laughing) Terrible people. My least favorite city. I’ll never go back. I bombed four straight nights. I got into an argument with an 80-something-year-old man. I had a breakdown on the last show. I finally just said I gotta get out of Naples. He goes, “Well, you’re still here.” I said, “Well, I’ll be out in the morning. “You’ll be in a casket soon.” (audience laughing) And he said, “You’ll have to put me there,” and I said, “That’s not how time works.” (audience laughing) And it kept escalating back and forth. Finally, I hear a voice in the crowd yell out, “Grandpa, enough.” (audience laughing) That’s Naples to me. My dad called me to check in. He said, “How are you?” I said, “I’m in fucking Naples,” and my dad goes, “Italy?” and I was like, “Oh, no. (audience laughing) “These jokes are not taking me abroad, Pops. (audience laughing) “I’m in Florida, the bad part.” True story. I’m on stage there. As the start to a bit, I go, “So, I’m a New York Jew,” and someone in the crowd goes, “Ugh, no.” (audience laughing) Not a yes or no question. (audience laughing) It’s my heritage. Also, ugh, that’s our sound. That’s cultural appropriation, okay? (audience laughing) Not all gigs are this fun, man. I think my mom worries about my career choice sometimes. Some nights it’ll be a bad gig. I do casinos sometimes. They’re the worst gigs ever. You know, they pay pretty well, but they’re soul-crushing. You’re just watching people stand up one by one and exit throughout the show, some by scooter, it’s very jarring, but… (audience laughing) And the casino’s not even mad because they want these people pissing away their money on the gambling floor, you know? So, I go to apologize to management. They’re like, no, you’re doing a great job. (audience laughing) You should bust out the abortion jokes earlier tomorrow night ’cause those went horribly. But I think she worries. My mom worries a lot. I was with her the other day on the street. We saw a dead bird, and I said, “Ew, dead pigeon.” My mom goes, “Don’t touch it.” (audience laughing) I was like, what do you think happens when you’re not around? (audience laughing) You think I’m just walking around, let me grab this shit right here, hell yeah. Lunch meat. (audience laughing) I don’t blame my mom for worrying, you know? I still get in trouble. I got assaulted in Burlington, Vermont earlier this year, which is not where you think it’s gonna happen. A lot of open-toed sandals, everyone’s high. I thought it was safe, honestly, but they seem like nice people. Bernie even seems like a nice guy. I like Bernie Sanders. You know why? Because he debates the way I’ve argued with every woman in every relationship. I know I don’t have a chance. I just want to get my ideas out there, you know? (audience laughing) So, I’m in Vermont, and I’m out after the show. I’m having a couple beers with some comics. We’re at a bar two blocks from the venue. Some guy walks up to me. I can tell something’s off about him, and he just looks at me and he goes, “University of Vermont?” And I said, “No.” And he goes, “Masters degree?” And I said, “You’re getting colder.” (audience laughing) And he said, “I want to beat the shit out of all of you.” But he’s only looking at me. (audience laughing) Yeah, and I looked him up and down, and was like, ah, he’s bluffing. So, I turn around. As I turn around, he grabs me by the shoulder, takes a pint glass, and smashes it over my head, and I thought, I poorly read that situation. (audience laughing) He was not bluffing. So, he runs out. They call the cops, and the first thing I say after he hangs up with the cops is I yell to the bar, “You all heard him call me Jew-boy before he did it.” (audience laughing) And they said, “I didn’t hear that.” And I said, “I did.” And a Jussie Smollett tale was born. So, they put him in the backseat. The cops get him very quickly. He wasn’t getting far on foot. He’s in the backseat of the car. The cops are examining to see how bad my injury is. They’re taking glass out of my hair, and the cop asks, “Did he smash a pint glass on your head?” and I said, “It could have been a pint glass, “it could have been a menorah. “It happened very quickly, okay?” (audience laughing) And the cop asked, “Do you see spinning?” I said, “Like a dreidel, it’s pretty rough, you know?” Then finally I had to admit it wasn’t a hate crime and they took the guy away, and the bar manager turned to me. He said, “Just so you know, this never happens here.” And I was like, yeah, I figured. That’d be pretty weird if you were like, “That was Scott, “so, Scott does that.” (audience laughing) Unfortunately had a bad string of luck on the road. Some of it’s my fault. About eight years ago, I was drinking too much. I was a young comic on the road. I was in Seattle. I was hitting on a girl after the show. Every 30 seconds, her friend would lean in and go, “Not interested.” Every 30 seconds, “She could do a bit better than you.” It would get progressively meaner. At one point, she goes, “You’re very unattractive.” And I was a drunk kid. I just said, “Get some more Botox, you lizard.” I’m deeply ashamed of myself for saying that, and it’s completely inappropriate, although if you were there, you would have been like, he nailed it, totally. (audience laughing) But she seemed furious. I couldn’t tell by her face, but she seemed very upset. (audience laughing) Me and my friend were laughing. As we were laughing, I get popped in the face by her boyfriend. I deserved it. She was a lizard, but she was his lizard, and I thought it was cool that they stuck together, you know? But this was foreshadowing. A month later, I’m in Cleveland, horrible time to be in Cleveland. It was when LeBron left the first time. Okay, yeah, exactly. I don’t know if you guys remember, but they did not take it well, and they made the mistake of having their whole economic plan at the time be LeBron and that’s it. So, it was rough, and I love Cleveland. I’ve always had good times there. I like the people. It felt like the whole city got dumped because it was Valentine’s Day, too. It was just a weird vibe. And I met this hot older woman after the show, and we hit it off, but she’s there with a guy friend, who’s just a friend, but it’s Valentine’s Day. There’s that weird energy in the air. He’s kind of going for her. I’m going for her. And he’s buying me drinks to keep an eye on me, and I’m accepting the drinks because I lack character, so. (audience laughing) He gets up to go to the bathroom, and I asked her, “Do you want to get out of here?” And she said, “Yeah, let’s ditch him.” This is how stupid I am. I take her to the bar next door. That’s my getaway plan. (audience laughing) I was like, seven feet to the left, we got this. So, we’re doing shots. We’re making out. It’s a very romantic night. (audience laughing) I’m glad some people laughed at that. I can tell I’m in a shitty city when that doesn’t get laughs at all. When people are like, that’s a very romantic night out. Dry humping and Jaeger shots, that’s how we did our 40th anniversary. So I finally said, “Hey, do you want to leave?” And she said, “I want to go back to your hotel,” and I said, “All right, then.” So, we go outside. The dude is standing right there, and I was like, oh, no. He goes, “Oh, there you guys are. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I said, “Ah, we’re gonna go back to my hotel.” And he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re just gonna her and then fly back to New York?” And I said, “Honestly, yes, that was the game plan.” (audience laughing) I was gonna pitch it quite differently. I was gonna say something romantic like, “Shall we make love before my expedition?” or something. I was gonna liven it up a little. He gets close to me, goes, “You want to fuck her, “you gotta fight me first.” And that’s the first time I noticed he was missing teeth, and I was like, oh, no. He’s been down this road before. And I’m not gonna fight him, because I’ve never had sex with anyone and been like that was better than teeth. (audience laughing) Never. After every one-night-stand, I’m like, man, it’s cool I can still eat apples after this. This is great, you know? I run down to the hotel lobby. I grab me a Macintosh. I go about my day. So I said, “Hey, I’m not gonna fight you,” and he said, “That’s what I thought pussy. “Come here, babe.” Doesn’t say a word to me. Just calls her over, she goes with him. They clearly have a weird arrangement of some sort. They start walking away. As they walk away, there’s a guy behind me in a white sweatshirt, matching white sweatpants, very underdressed for Cleveland in February, okay? He’s not quite sitting; he’s not quite standing. He’s almost perched, and as they walk away, he loudly says, “I wasn’t gonna let anything happen to you.” (audience laughing) “Uh, who are you?” (audience laughing) He walks over and he goes, “I police this part of town.” I said, “You’re a policeman?” He’s not. This man is obviously not with law enforcement of any kind. So, I asked, “You work for the bar?” He said, “No,” and I said, “Are you a vigilante of some sort?” (audience laughing) And he said, “Yeah.” (audience laughing) And he’s in white, so I said, “What’s your superhero name? “The Snowflake?” And he said, “I go by The White Knight.” (audience laughing) And I’m just drunk enough to be like, “Hell yeah.” (audience laughing) That’s all it took. I’m like, this guy’s legit. He’s got a name. So, we start chatting. I’m kind of baffled. I ask him, “You just wait outside and break up fights?” And he said, “I protect Downtown Cleveland.” I said, “Haven’t you been hurt?” He said, “I’ve been stabbed twice.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Dude, why do you do this?” He said, “Because I fucking love Cleveland, that’s why.” And it’s kind of touching, honestly. He’s crazy, but he’s loyal. They lost LeBron; they got this guy. It’s a horrible trade, don’t get me wrong. (audience laughing) But this is what loyalty looks like. It’s not always pretty, you know? So we start taking a walk. I’m taking a little stroll with The White Knight, and we pass the comedy club and my poster’s in the door. He said, “You’re a comedian?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “I could never do what you do.” And I said, “I could never do what you do, either. “It’s illegal and strange and quite alarming, to be frank. “There’s a real mutual admiration going on, you could say.” And we start chatting for a while about life and love. At one point, he asked me, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?” and I said, “Probably my life choices and my career,” and he said, “Me, too.” (audience laughing) And I said, “We’re not so different, you and I, “White Knight.” So, he walks me back to the hotel, and he said he’s coming to my show tomorrow night, and I said, “Great, so, I’ll see you then,” and we exchange information as you do with vigilantes, and… (audience laughing) I wake up the next morning, head pounding, and thinking did that even happen? But of course it did. You don’t daydream The White Knight. (audience laughing) First email I see just says subject heading White Knight, and I think it’s him. I don’t know that many White Knights. It said, “Sam, it was such a pleasure “to meet you last night. “Unfortunately, something came up, “and I’m unable to attend your show this evening. “Sincerely, your new friend and fan, The White Knight.” In parentheses, Joshua. That made me very happy. (audience laughing) Jews are very underrepresented as superheroes, you know? He’s our Black Panther, so… (audience cheering) I email back, it bounces back. I email him again, it bounce back, to the point that I’m like, this guy created a fake email account to contact me and then just disappear. It’s like in Batman when he’s talking to Commissioner Gordon and he turns away for a second and turns back and Batman’s gone, but you see the wind moving. He did that to me via email. (audience laughing) It was always in the back of my head. Years go by. I never hear from him, but I always thought about it, because I’ve had weird drunk nights, but this one’s particularly strange. So, it must have been six years later, I get an email out of the blue. Different email address, but it still says subject heading “White Knight,” and I thought, it’s probably him. (audience laughing) I don’t have a large White Knight Rolodex, so… All it said was, “Saw you on Conan. “Funny shit. “White Knight.” And I wrote back, “Hell yeah, dude. “You’re still out there White Knighting, “I’m still doing comedy. “We’re both still in the game.” And he wrote back, “Oh, no, “I’m no longer engage in White Knighting.” (audience laughing) “I now have a wife and a little boy “and we reside in the suburbs of Cleveland.” And I was like, this traitorous motherfucker. (audience laughing) Then he wrote, “How are you?” And I said, “I’m in Naples.” (audience laughing) And he wrote back, “Italy?” and I was like, “Yeah.” (audience laughing) Thank you so much for coming out, guys. You’ve been amazing. (audience cheering) I appreciate our night. All right.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-zero-fks-given-2020-transcript/

Streaming on Netflix from November 17, 2020   [Kenzo babbling] [Kevin] Yo. What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all. [Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ? [imperceptible] Finish your homework? [Eniko] No. Look in my eyes. [Kenzo babbling] You’re lying. Finish your homework. Stop playing with me. [chuckles] Zo, give Daddy two. Ah, ah. Give me a boom. Boom! Give me a headbutt. [grunts] Give me a kiss. Why’re you looking at me? Love you. Give me a kiss. Okay. Love you. Heaven, finish your work? Oh, yes, for the most part. See you all when I come back up. [Kenzo babbles] [Eniko] Bye! [Heaven] Bye. [Kenzo] Bye, Dad. Pow! [hip-hop music playing] Ooh. Daddy about to have a good time. Big cube, coming in. Taste it. [slurps] Mmm. Ha-ya! Yeah. Hey. Wow! The GOAT. Legend. Inspiration. My man. [cheering and applauding] Aww. So nice. Oh, man! Well, thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you. Thank you! Much appreciated. Stop it. Sit down. I appreciate it. Thank you. -Hello. Hi. [crowd whoops] I can say hello. First time I’ve been this intimate with a crowd. So, I can say hello and I can actually get a hello back. So, I’mma say it again. Hello. How y’all doing? Good? [crowd cheering] That’s good. I like it. This feels right to me. This feels right. [woman] Yeah! I’ve been in a lot of different spaces to tell some jokes. Been in f*cking stadiums, arenas, theaters. This right now feels right, in the comfort of my own f*cking home. Thank you. [crowd applauding] Thank you. Getting back to the basics. I wanna explain to you guys why I’m actually in my house. We’re here for a reason. I’m no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house. I’m being very f*cking honest with you guys. I am not comfortable anywhere except my house. And it’s for a lot of reasons. I feel like we should get into those. Let’s address the elephant in the room. Reason number one, COVID. [crowd exclaims] COVID. Where you at right now? Where’s your panic level? High? In the middle? Low? Where you at? Be honest, let me know. Middle? High? Low? Kind of high? A little bit? [crowd mumbling] News flash. I had it! That’s right, I had the ‘VID. The ‘VID-19 was in my system. I had it in the beginning when it wasn’t cool, when it wasn’t a trend. It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two. [chuckles] I had to keep it a secret because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am. He will swallow my f*cking announcement. He’s Forrest Gump. You’re not gonna beat Forrest Gump. No shot. No f*cking shot I’mma beat Forrest Gump. If it was somebody lesser than, I would’ve dropped that b!tch in a heartbeat. David Hasselhoff. F*ck David Hasselhoff. Ain’t nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff. Boom! Dropped it. “Kevin Hart’s got it, too. Save Kevin Hart. #TheVID.” You know why I call it the ‘VID? It’s the closest thing to AIDS. It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS. The ‘VID. “You got the ‘VID? F*ck, man!” “I got the ‘VID.” “You got the ‘VID? Shit!” “Praying for you. You got the f*cking ‘VID.” I didn’t know I had it. I didn’t know I had it, man. I had no symptoms at all. No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing. Now, my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell. She told me, “Babe, I think I got it. We should get tested.” I said, “Well, we don’t have a problem.” “You got the f*cking problem. Why do I have to get tested?” “I can taste and smell fine. Why the f*ck do I gotta get tested?” Doctor came over to the house. Doctor came over, tested both of us. Said, “You guys are both positive.” I said, “Bullshit.” “Bullshit! No way I’m f*cking positive.” I immediately touched my nose twice. Ah, ah. “Could I do that?” “If I had the ‘VID, could I f*cking do this two times in a row?” Can’t touch your nose with the ‘VID. Everybody knows that. Said, “Mr. Hart, I’m very serious. You’re positive.” This caused an uproar in my household, immediately. Me and my wife go at each other’s throats, “Who the f*ck brought the ‘VID up in this house?” “Who was it?” Got to see how we felt about each other’s friends. “It was that nasty b!tch Pam you always hanging with. That’s who did it.” “Dirty-foot b!tch.” “Her feet dirty. She tracked the ‘VID all through the goddamn house.” “Dirty-foot Pam did it.” [chuckles] “Got the f*cking ‘VID all in this goddamn house.” “Wash the carpets immediately.” Doctor calmed me down, “Calm down, Kevin.” “It’ll pass. Take ten to fourteen days. Relax.” “Chill out. Drink some tea.” That’s what the doctor told me to my f*cking face. “Drink some tea.” Are you kidding me? “I got the f*cking ‘VID, Doc!” “The hell is tea gonna do for me?” “Where’s my ventilator?” That’s what I said. “Where is it?” “I’m supposed to get a ventilator. Everybody knows that.” “You get a ventilator with the ‘VID. That’s what they say in the blogs.” “You’ll be fine, Mr. Hart, you’ll be fine.” When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered. Keep in mind, I was at the highest level in the beginning. Oh, my God. When it first hit, oh, my f*cking God, I didn’t know what to do. I went and put gas in all the f*cking cars. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] You gotta be able to escape. These motherf*ckers turning into zombies here. I was scared. Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find. Still don’t know why we went on this toilet paper kick. What was so special about toilet paper? Nobody told me. Did the ‘VID make you shit? What was it? What… [chuckles] We bought all the f*cking toilet paper. Dry noodles, I got it all! The mask, I went crazy with the mask. In the beginning, I didn’t know what mask to buy. Had a regular mask. My friend told me, “Hey, man, that ain’t the right mask, the ‘VID gonna get through that mask.” “That mask ain’t gonna protect you against the ‘VID.” “F*ck! Are you serious?” “I’m serious. You gotta get the N95s.” “Oh, shit.” Went on a website, I bought every N95 I saw. I spent 20 grand on N95s. [crowd laughing] Went outside the day after, I saw a n i g g a with a titty cup on his face. Wasn’t even a… With a bra strap. What the f*ck? That’s not a N95. That’s a A-cup bra. What the hell just happened? He didn’t spend 20 grand on that. No way. Somebody duped me, man. My wife told me flat-out, “Babe, you know what?” “This thing is messing with your head. You gotta get out this house.” “You gotta get out the house.” I said, “There is nothing outside this house for me.” “Nothing. There’s no reason for me to go outside this house.” “No shot.” “The things that are outside this house, I have no interest in.” “There’s people out there. I don’t like people.” I said it. Cat’s out the bag. I don’t f*cking like people anymore. You won. You beat me up. You f*cking won, man. You know how? Because you guys have managed to f*ck up the best job in the world, man. At one point in time, fame was the most sought-after and best job on the f*cking planet. If you didn’t have it, you wanted a piece of it. You wanted to taste a little bit of it. I got it. I got to the highest level of it, and then you f*cked me, oh, you f*cked me good. Oh, this generation f*cked me good. Everything’s gotta be compromised. Everything’s gotta be videoed in this generation. If it’s not on video, it never happened. That’s how this generation lives. Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that you could do to a Black man in 1986 if you were the cops or the feds. Scariest thing that you could do is tell a Black man that you had him on tape. If the feds came up to you, “We got your ass on tape. You going to jail.” He’ll shit himself, “What? Who? Me?” “On tape?” Oh! He’d start crying. [mimics crying] [crowd laughs] “I’m on f*cking tape.” [mimics crying] “All y’all going to f*cking jail. We got all y’all on tape.” He’ll tell all his friends, “Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence.” “They got us. Anthony, you, too.” “Said they got us all on tape. We’re going to jail, apparently.” “We’re going to f*cking jail.” [mimics crying] “We on tape.” That’s all the feds had to say, “Got your ass on tape.” Scariest thing you could do. You guys don’t even realize that you’re the feds… for free. You’re not even getting paid. For f*cking free. You’re just telling on people all goddamn day. Just a bunch of walking f*cking snitches. It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting. I went to McDonald’s… This is a true story. I go to McDonald’s. I’m at the drive-through, right? I want a Big Mac Meal. I haven’t had one in so long. I’m so excited for this f*cking Big Mac. Oh, my God, I can’t wait to get this Big Mac. I get the Big Mac. I’m so excited. I pull over in the parking lot. I start f*cking the Big Mac up. Smashing it. It’s all over my face, everything. I’m happy as hell. I turn to my left, it’s a woman outside the window taping me. She said, “Got your ass.” I got nervous. “What the f*ck is you doing, lady?” She said, “Mmm-mmm. But I got your ass.” [scoffs] “What the f*ck you mean, got my ass? What am I doing?” I’m so nervous, I dropped the burger. I just dropped the f*cking burger. I grabbed my phone, I went to Twitter, I issued an apology via social media. I said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier, I announced that I was going plant-based full-time. I’d just said it. This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment. [chuckles] Had to issue an apology to the plant-based community. Became an ally. Made a donation, was a part of protest. I had to do what I could. Stood by the side of cows, took pictures. It was a lot. I don’t like what you guys have made me become. I don’t like it. I’m no longer comfortable. You switched it on me. F*ck! You switched it on me, man. For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people. “Them motherf*ckers get weird sometimes, man.” “People get weird.” That’s how we looked at people. You switched it. We’re the weird people now. You look at us like, “What the f*ck is wrong with him?” We’re the weird people. I don’t know how to act in public. “Hey, why are you staring?” “What’s going on, man?” I think everybody knows. “Get your hands out your pocket.” “What’s happening, man? Come on.” “F*ck you about to do to me? You about to eat me? Come on, man.” “The f*ck you talking about? Nobody worried about your ass.” “Bullshit. Look at that guy looking at me in his glasses.” “I know somebody thinks I’m dinner when I see it. They trying to eat me here.” Making crazy accusations all over the f*cking place. Losing my mind. Going crazy. You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer. It’s a true story. True story. There was a time, if you wanted to come to my house to talk to me, you had to get naked. Get in the f*cking pool. How else would I know that you’re not wearing a wire? “Who you with?” “E!? People? Who the f*ck is you with?” “Came here for a story for the tabloids. I don’t trust you, Dad.” [chuckles] “I’m your father.” “Shut up, b!tch!” “Who you been talking to, Dad?” “Get in the pool.” “Finish this conversation in six feet.” “Switch that. Four. Go to four feet. I can’t see. Go to four.” This is where I am. This is where I am. My wife says the same things, “Honey, you’re getting old.” “Getting angry, irritable. Need to get out and get back to yourself.” “Get back to your ways of old. You can’t live like this.” I decided to start doing stand-up again. I said, “Baby, you’re right. I need to go and start doing stand-up comedy again.” That’s how I get back to myself. That’s how I get back to me. [crowd applauding] I told my friends I was gonna start doing comedy again. They said, “Gonna talk about your wife and kids again?” I said, “What else do I have?” I don’t have nothing else. All my b!tches left after the sex tape. Every b!tch I had, left. Every one of them. “Where you going, Lorraine? Gladys? Pearl?” [chuckles] “Where you going?” These are older names ’cause I had older b!tches at the time. “Get back here, Ethel. Come on, man.” “Don’t do this to me.” “Magnus, come on, please.” [chuckles] “Please don’t do this.” “Loretta, you can’t leave. Come on.” What else do I have? I have to. Talking about my kids is a must, man. It’s a must. They’re part of my everyday life. I don’t know what else to talk about, outside of the things that I go through on the daily. My kids are with me on a daily. Two teenagers, one three-year-old, a baby that could be here any day now. -Any day, any f*cking day now. [crowd applauding] About to throw these balls in the trash. I ain’t having no more f*cking babies. I’mma roof these balls after this f*cking baby come. I’mma take both balls, throw them on the f*cking roof. You can kiss my ass thinking another child is coming out of these balls, I promise. You’re a f*cking liar if you say it’s my baby. Balls in the trash after this baby. My daughter and I are closer than we’ve ever been. My daughter’s boy crazy. Boy crazy. Once again, I gotta act like I like it. I don’t. You gotta act like you do. I love this. I love that, in my specials, you get to see the growth of my f*cking kids. You see their development. They’re getting older, man. Daughter told me she likes this boy named Matt at her school. “Dad, I like this boy named Matt. Oh, my God. He’s so cute.” “He makes me laugh. I want him.” “What the f*ck does that mean?” “What does that mean?” “I want him.” “What the f*ck are you saying, little girl?” “Should I tell him?” “If that’s how you feel, tell him.” She goes to school, tells him how she feels, comes home, “Dad, oh, my God. Guess what? Matt likes me back. We’re a thing.” “Good for you, honey. That makes me happy.” “Do me a favor, keep it in the kid space, though.” “Okay, Dad.” She comes back home two days later. “Dad, I don’t like Matt no more. I like this boy named Rob now.” “He look better, he make me laugh more. That’s who I really want.” “It happens. Sometimes you think you like somebody, you meet somebody else, you realize that’s the person you liked all along.” “It’s called life.” “Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the other person.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” “Keep it in the kid space.” A week goes by. “Dad, I don’t like Rob no more.” “I like this boy named Tim.” Instantly, in my mind, I said, “My daughter a ho. This is ho shit.” “This is ho shit.” -Ho activity right in front of my face. [crowd laughs] I immediately called a ho that I knew from the past. Asked her if this is how it went down for her. Three boys back-to-back. She said, “Yup, the same way.” “Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom.” What is happening? Don’t want my baby plucking balls. I gotta save her. What I gotta do is see these boys. Went to the school. I wanted to see ’em, what they look like. I saw ’em. Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest. Charming little kid, personality was out of this world. I see why she likes Matt. I see it. I get it. Charming little boy. I get it. Personality, funny guy. I see why you like Matt. I get it. Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in. I didn’t look at Matt again. I forgot all about Matt. Who the f*ck is Matt? Rob had a different thing. Personality popped. Had a bunch of pizzazz, flair. Used his hands a lot when he talked. This kid’s got something. I see why she don’t like f*cking Matt. Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants… with some Heelys. You know how confident you gotta be to wear leather pants in high school? A Black kid with leather pants. There’s no Black kid that I’ve ever heard about that wore leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz. That’s the only Black man. And it’s a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age. Tim had Heelys on, just slid through the f*cking room. Jesus Christ, man. Cigarettes under his arms. I said, “Do you smoke?” He said, “It’s just a look,” as he was gliding by me. [chuckles] -F*ck. [crowd laughing] Kids today are different. My son and my daughter are on two different pages. Shit makes me laugh. Always have been. Always have been two completely different pages. My son is… He’s what you call… What do they call it today? What are the kids called today, when the kids are… Dumb. There it is. I got it. Dumb. Struggling academically. I know you guys are like, “Don’t call your kid dumb.” Why not? He’s mine. Chip off the old f*cking block. Not like I’m standing up here as a smart-ass man. I was dumb as shit, too. Worked out for me so far. Dumb is the right way to go in my household. [crowd applauding] It’s the right way to go. Then it pisses me off as the school constantly calls me to remind me of my son’s educational problems. “Mr. Hart, he failed another test.” “Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping.” “Want to discuss your son’s grades?” “They continue to drop.” I snapped on ’em, “Don’t call me no more.” “Don’t call me about his grades no more. Call him.” “Call him. That’s his problem. It’s not my problem.” “Last I checked, I went to school. I passed. I’m successful.” “I’m not going to school again. He needs to f*cking pass that class, not me.” “Call him.” Private schools, man, they got this weird thing. I’m not that much of a fan of private schools, I’ll be honest. I am not a fan of private schools at all. Yes, my kids attend private schools. Doesn’t mean I’m a fan of it. I feel like private schools protect kids from reality. They protect you. They protect you from f*cking reality. Private school… Private schools breed b!tches. That’s how I feel. I said it. I said it. I’m not taking it back. That’s how I feel. Private schools breed b!tches. I’m in my comfort zone, I’mma let it fly today. Everything that I f*cking feel, I’mma say. You ever see a grown man get punched in the face that went to private school? He immediately looks for a teacher. [mimics exclaiming] He just… He gives you five of these… “Huh.” “I don’t know. Why?” Looking for somebody to tell him why. “I don’t know. Why? What?” “We gotta have an arbitration. When’s the meeting?” Public schools, now that’s different. Public schools, you got no choice but to grow the f*ck up. You got no choice but to grow up in public schools. It’s a pot of f*ckshit. They just throw you in it. They just throw you in it. Nobody prepares you for the shit you gonna see. I saw my first white person in public school. I didn’t know what the f*ck it was. It was the only one there. “What the f*ck is that? Jesus Christ!” I thought it was somebody from Star Wars, “That’s a stormtrooper.” “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper right there.” Just a white person walking down the hall. I was making the noises… [mimics blaster] “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper. No?” “No, that’s a white person.” “I never knew. Nobody told me what it was.” Public school throws you into a pot of f*ckshit. Everything is there. White people, Black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican. Fat, skinny, gay, straight. Dirty, clean. It’s all there. They just push you in. You gotta figure it out. Kids are scared. [mimics exclaiming] They run straight to the teacher, “I’m scared. Help.” The teacher answer, “Me, too, b!tch. “Walked through the same metal detectors. Don’t think I’m scared?” “Keep your back against the locker, head on a swivel.” “What?” “Get you some Mace, put it in a plastic bottle like this.” “Gush it at him. That’s what I’d do.” “Gush it?” I don’t feel like my kids’ private school respects my level of celebrity. I don’t. I really don’t. I mean this. I swear to God, my plan… I’m gonna be very honest. It’s my f*cking household. I’m not holding back. They don’t respect my level of celebrity. I’m a very humble guy. [chuckles] May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am. I’m a very humble guy. What’s understood doesn’t need to be said. You know who I am. I know you know it. Don’t make me say who I am. They put me in the position to have to say who I am. I go drop my kids off at school, teachers come out, surround my car. “Mr. Hart, we’d love to talk to you for a second.” “The big fair is coming up.” “We do this fair once a year at the school.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter at this year’s fair.” [crowd laughs] I gave her a lot of time for her to say, “I’m bullshitting.” She never said it. I said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” “No, it’s our biggest fair.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter.” “We think you would make an amazing greeter at this year’s fair.” Before I go on with this joke, I wanna make something clear. First things first, I have nothing against greeters. Okay? I don’t wanna tell this joke and walk outside my house and you’re all there with signs talking about “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect greeters.” “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect the greeters.” Greeters are amazing people. The job is actually required. I get it. I’ve actually been hit with some amazing greetings in my time. I went to Walmart, I got hit with a greeting so fantastic one time… I don’t even know where he came from. He just slid in my POV. [chuckles] I walked in. He was like, “Welcome to Walmart.” “You here to get you some stuff?” I said, “What the f*ck?” “Where did you come from, man?” [chuckles] “You better get some stuff. We rolling back prices.” Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked out the way. I said, “What the f*ck just happened?” “What just happened here?” I was so blown away by the greeting, not only did I go get me some stuff, I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out. I wanted him to see my stuff. “Hey, come here, man!” “Hey, come here. I wanna show you my stuff.” He came over, I opened my bag. He was like… “Ooh!” He said, “Ooh! You got you some good stuff.” Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt so people knew I didn’t steal. He said, “Make sure you come back and see me again.” I said, “You gonna be here?” He said, “If I’m not, who will?” Moonwalks out the way again. -I said, “What the f*ck?” [crowd laughs and applauds] “It’s one of the best greetings I’ve ever seen, man.” “Of course I’mma come back and see you again.” I’m not shitting on greeters. I’m just saying I didn’t have to go that route. I went around that to get to my success. You don’t come to me and ask me to be the f*cking greeter. I had a number-one movie in the box office at the time. -I was on the side of f*cking buses. -[crowd applauding] You don’t ask me to be the greeter. [crowd laughing] There are parents that got kids that go there that are former actors and actresses that you could have asked. Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Alfonso? That’s your greeter. This right here. That’s what you want in front. That’s your greeter. Terry Crews. He got kids that go there. That’s your greeter. Pec-popping at the front. [mimicking Terry Crews] “Hey…” “Hey… Welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket?” What a combination. Parents would’ve went crazy. “Whoa! “What a school.” “I want tickets. I’m gonna buy every ticket I can.” [mimics Crews] Hey… Parents would be blown away. These greeters are amazing. My wife said what she normally says. “Kevin, calm down.” “Get yourself together. You getting older, more irritable, and you don’t want that energy to rub off on your kids.” It’s not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids. I know it’s not gonna rub off on my kids. This pandemic gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids. A lot of time with my kids. For the first time, I realized my kids are a little spoiled. They’re a little spoiled. But it’s not by choice, it’s by circumstances. I have good kids. My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest. I got very lucky. I got great kids. But because of their circumstances, they’re a little spoiled. For example, they’ve been flying private since birth, they didn’t ask for that. They were born into that. They only travel with me. First time they traveled without me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife. Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma. My kids called me from the airport. You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad. I’ve never seen… a higher level of panic in my f*cking life. Called me from the airport, “Dad!” [whimpering] “What’s happening?” My daughter was like, “They’re taking my lotions and toothpaste.” “What am I supposed to do?” “They’re making me walk through metal…” My son snatched the phone, “What the f*ck is going on, Dad?” “They won’t let me take my bags.” “They said I can’t take my backpacks, my pulleys, my duffys.” “I gotta put my games underneath. How am I gonna play ’em, Dad?” I told them both, “Relax. Stop it. Stop!” “Both of you.” “It’s called security.” “It’s called TSA, okay?” “This is called life with your mother.” “All right? There’s a difference.” “There’s a drop-off. It’s all right.” “Things change.” “It’s okay.” “You’ll both be fine.” I overlooked some of the things I do because I never thought twice about ’em. Me and my kids go to the amusement park, we do the whole park. The whole f*cking park, man, in 30, 40 minutes. How? Well, I call ahead. There’s a concierge they assign to me. I get to the park, concierge walks me and my family up to the front of every single ride. Done it for years. Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, “Listen, this is earned. It’s not given.” “This doesn’t just happen.” “Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these f*cking lines.” “There’s rules. You don’t just walk to the front of the line.” “Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, you do not make eye contact with none of these f*cking people in this line.” “You hear me?” “You keep your eyes straight ahead and you don’t f*cking look left or right until we get to the front of the line.” “These people are gonna say things. They’re gonna say a lot of mean things about me, you.” “You just ignore ’em.” “Ignore ’em, because guess what? We’re in our car, headed home.” “We’re never gonna see these people again.” “You know where these people gonna be? Still in that f*cking line.” “They’re still gonna be in the line.” “And that’s reality.” My kids processed that, they understood it. For years, this is how we operated. They called me from the amusement park. They were with their cousins, they FaceTimed me. I answer their FaceTime. I could tell that they were weak. Malnourished, they hadn’t eaten in hours, I could tell. They had the white shit in the corner of their mouths. [chuckles] They could barely stand. [mimics yelling] “Dad!” “We’ve been in line for hours, we haven’t rode anything.” “We got the fast pass, but it’s not fast at all.” “Can you call somebody? Can you do something?” I said, “Who are you with?” “Our cousins.” “Is your mother there?” “Yes.” “Put your mom on the phone, let me talk to your mom.” Got their mom on the phone. She said, “Hey, what’s up?” “Hey.” “Checkmate, b!tch.” I hung up the phone. [crowd laughing] I was quick. I haven’t went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet, I wanna let you guys know. These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to ’em. Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something. Something’s gotta happen. It’s just a good f*cking joke. Those are two good jokes, I can’t get rid of ’em. [all applauding] I thought about those jokes for a long time. I gotta let ’em fly. It’s worth the consequence. I’ll send her a couple of text messages after this tape and see how she feels. [Kevin chuckling] My wife says the same thing all the time, “Kevin, you getting older.” “Getting angry, irritable.” I’m here to tell you I am getting older. Forty-one now, guys. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -I know, right? Where does time go? I was just 22 years old, man. You do not realize how fast time flies. Look back, all those comedy specials on the wall, that’s a timeline of my f*cking life. That’s damn near 16 years of comedy, man. Sixteen f*cking years of comedy, like, it’s insane. [crowd applauding] Forty-one. What happened? Shit changes at the age of 40. You hear about it, but you don’t believe it, things change. I’m here to tell you, shit does change. Biggest change for me, after the age of 40, the balls dropped. I got some length. Got some f*cking length on my balls. I didn’t ask for it. Just happened. I didn’t even know. I was in the kitchen. Bent over, wife said, “Why you got dice in your back pocket?” “I ain’t got no f*cking dice in my back pocket.” Touched my back pocket, “Goddamn, those are my f*cking balls.” “How did my balls get in my back pocket? What just happened to me?” “How long was I asleep?” “Who stretched me out while I was asleep?” The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man. I am okay. I’m very serious, man. I am okay. I don’t need to do much. I love being in the f*cking house. I actually built the house. Me and my wife built the house, that’s where we wanted to stay. We wanted to stay in this f*cking house. Let’s build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it. Women got a problem with doing this thing called sitting the f*ck down. It’s very difficult for women to sit the f*ck down. Sit the f*ck down. That’s a task for women. A woman’s favorite line, “Let’s go do some stuff.” “What stuff?” “Mmm-mmm. Something.” “The f*ck are you saying?” “Something.” [Kevin chuckles] A bunch of men… There’s a bunch of men rejoicing. “Yeah!” “Something, I don’t know. Something.” You know what my wife’s biggest problem is? Chasing her past. Trying to redo what she did when she was younger. Ladies, I’m here to give you a personal message. It’s okay to get old. There’s nothing wrong with getting old. [crowd applauding] There’s nothing wrong with it. Stop fighting old age. The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize all the dope shit that you overcame and that you did when you were younger. That’s dope. Stop trying to run from that. Stop trying to redo that. It’s over. It’s f*cking over. She told me the other day, “We should go out tonight.” “We should get f*cked up.” [chuckles] I said, “Absolutely not. No.” “Why would I do that? No.” “It hurts. It f*cking hurts now.” Take a shot, it gets stuck in my chest for three to five f*cking minutes. My left side shut down, I get the shaking and shit. I gotta fart or shit. I don’t know, it’s one of ’em, something’s happening. Making dumbass faces. I describe this to my wife in great detail. You know what her answer was? “You don’t never wanna have fun with me.” I said, “B!tch, I just described a stroke to you.” “That’s a stroke.” “That’s a legal stroke. I’m shutting down.” “You don’t wanna have fun with me. You don’t ever want to do stuff.” After the age 40, you know what, you lose a high level of care. I don’t really give a f*ck. My wife wanna go out, I don’t. “You go. I don’t give a f*ck.” “I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck what you do.” That’s not in a malicious or angry way. I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck. Go! Have a good time. Go!” Ladies, you don’t know how to not give a f*ck, that’s your problem. If you guys could match a man’s not-give-a-f*ck energy, oh, my God, the world would be a better place. It’d be a better place. But you don’t know how to not give a f*ck. You’re always searching for a f*ck ’cause you just… You can’t. You don’t process it. You can’t figure it out. I’mma tell you your problem, ladies, and I want you to listen closely. Here’s what makes a woman really mad. You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. I’mma say it again. Ladies, you get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. Hence why you’re always searching for a give-a-f*ck. ‘Cause on the other side, you’re like, “I would give a f*ck.” [woman] Yeah. “So you should give a f*ck.” [woman] Yeah. That’s why you search for give-a-f*cks. My wife constantly search for ’em. She wants to go out. “Go out.” She can’t just leave. “All right, babe, I’m going out.” “Cool.” “Me and the girls.” “Got it.” “We probably getting f*cked up tonight.” “Do you.” “I don’t know what time we coming back.” “I’ll be asleep either way, it’s fine.” She’s searching for give-a-f*cks. There are no give-a-f*cks! “Go!” I’m excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button. I don’t give a f*ck. “Go!” They can’t do it. Hence you want the same from men. You don’t understand, first and foremost, stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you. If a man goes out and he’s over 40 years old, I’m here to tell you, there is no plan attached to that. There is no f*cking agenda. There’s no schedule. Stop asking questions because we don’t have the answers. Granted, I know some insecurities are brought on because of men and the things that they did in the past… I’m guilty of it… but after the age of 40, it goes away. It goes away. We don’t give a f*ck about shit. We don’t care. Stop looking for shit. I told her… The one time I said I was going out. “Babe, I’m going out.” “Where you going?” “I don’t even know yet.” “Who going with you?” “Whoever come I guess, I don’t know.” “What y’all gonna do?” “I’m trying to figure it out now. I don’t know what we’re doing.” “Y’all gonna eat?” “I hope so, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten.” “What time you back?” “Whatever time we done.” “What the f*ck is going on here?” “Am I getting graded? What is this? I don’t have the answers!” “I’m failing miserably. Stop asking me questions.” I can’t f*ckin’ deal with it. There’s a high level of insecurity sometimes that’s not worth you having, ladies. We got into an argument one time. Got into a f*cking argument. Two reasons. First, she asked me this big question. I had to explain that I didn’t know. Another secret, ladies. After men say, “We going out,” we actually meet in the parking lot and try to figure out what the f*ck we doing. We actually have another meeting ourselves. “What’s the plan?” “I thought you had it.” “I don’t, I thought you did.” “Nobody got a f*ckin’ plan? I’m out. I’m not staying here doing this shit.” I go home, go to sleep. I got back home early. “You back early ’cause you was with a b!tch.” “No, I wasn’t!” “I was in a parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes… talking about absolutely nothing, which is why I came home.” I don’t like f*ckin’ arguing. I’m at an age where I don’t argue, I just leave. That’s my new move. “You argue with yourself. I’ll be back.” [chuckles] “I’ll be back.” “Hopefully when I come back, you ain’t got no energy.” That’s my f*ckin’ move. We argued in the morning and I left. It was 7:00 a.m. She called me, I’m in the car. She was like, “You probably getting your dick sucked.” At 7:00 a.m.? What b!tch is that ambitious that’s out here at 7:00 a.m… sucking dick? What type of daywalker do you think I’m dealing with? Jesus Christ! A 7:00 a.m. dicksucker on the loose, that’s got you worried? What are you readin’? What’s the blog that told y’all to worry about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.? “Watch your man, ladies!” “Since 7:00 a.m., dicksucker on the prowl!” “Thanks, girl.” “I saw it on my…” [chuckling] “I saw it on my security camera.” “Outside looking for dicks.” Came down… [laughing] “I saw her looking for dicks on my security camera.” “Somewhere out there looking for dicks.” Shit that I deal with is unreal. All my wife’s insecurities dropped down after she read my group chat. Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room, I challenge you to check his phone and read his group chat. Do it! Over 40? You should do it. Under 40? I don’t recommend it, you gambling. You f*ckin’ gambling. Forty and above? Go, read it! You will never read a more inconsistent and unfocused conversation in your life. All my group chat conversations start off the same. They all start off great. “Yo!” “You see that picture of Rihanna’s ass?” “Goddamn.” “Shit!” “F*ck!” “I saw it.” Random question flies in the chat. “If you run out of butter, what else can I put in the pan?” “What?” “I ain’t got no butter, man.” “What else can I use?” “How’d you run out of butter?” “I don’t know, but it’s gone.” Another statement flies in. “I can’t even eat butter. It makes my gout act up.” “Gout?” “When you get gout?” “I been had gout.” “I didn’t know you had gout.” “I told y’all I had gout.” Another statement flies in the chat. “What the f*ck is gout?” A picture from WebMD hit the chat. Pow! Description of gout and what the f*ck it can do. “Goddamn, you got that?” Then the chat goes silent for five days. Don’t nobody saying shit. Forty and up, the chat just die. Nobody ends it. Day six, they pick up right where they left off. “What else make your gout act up?” My friend Joey don’t know how to use emojis. That’s how she thought she had somethin’ one time. You know, Joey’s the older one, Joey’s the one with gout. We tease him all the time. “You gout-having b!tch.” We just tease him. He was getting mad in the chat. “I’m tired of y’all teasin’ me all the time.” “Y’all just mad I’m doing the right thing with my life.” “I’m getting healthy.” “In fact, I’m ’bout to go get me a bunch of these right now.” He put five eggplants back-to-back. Then he put… [chuckles] Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash. I said, “What the f*ck… are you talking about, Joey?” “What are you talking about right now?” “You just said you’re about to go take five dicks to the face… [chuckles] and get them off. That’s what you just said.” “No, I didn’t say that!” “Yes, you did.” “Five eggplants, tongue, splash.” “You said you’re taking it to the face, finishing ’em off, that’s what you just said.” F*ckin’ Joey. Older you get, the more direct and honest you get. Me and my wife are at a very direct and honest space in our relationship. Very honest. Very honest, man. My wife told me the other day, “Honey, your sex is no longer what it used to be.” To my f*ckin’ face! Ain’t this a b!tch? We’re in my home, I got no problem being honest with y’all. To my f*ckin’ face. Told me my sex is falling off. Know what my response was? “Happens.” That’s what I said. “Happens.” I don’t give a shit. F*cking 41, I don’t got time to be f*ckin’ all day. I’m tired. I’m tired. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I said it. That’s how I feel. That’s how I f*ckin’ feel. I’m not taking it back. I said it. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I told her, “Gotta pick one. You want this life or good dick?” “I’m not gonna do both. Not doing both.” “I’m not giving you both. Pick one.” When I had good dick, I was broke, I had nothing. I was out here f*cking for transportation when I had good dick. F*ckin’ for tokens. Sick of walking. I need to put down some good dick, get in somebody’s car around here. It was cold in Philadelphia. You don’t know my life. Stop judging me. But because you’re married, you gotta f*ckin’ compromise. Gotta meet you halfway. I told her, “You feel like I need to do better sexually?” “Pick a date.” “Pick a date.” On that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. You pick a date, on that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. She picked the eighth of every month. “All right. “You better buckle the f*ck up.” “I’m ’bout to drop some dick on your ass like you never had.” “To thump your ass right now. That’s exactly what I’mma do.” It’s all fun and games until the week of. You get nervous as shit, man. [chuckles] My friends saw it on my face, “You good?” “No, I ain’t good. I gotta f*ck in five days, man.” Gotta f*ck her on the eighth. I was out here drinking pineapple juice, eating celery. I don’t… I don’t know what the f*ck is happening to me. Sweatin’. “Damn, man, I gotta f*ck in three days!” Countdown. Felt like I had the NBA Finals coming up or some shit, huh? Icing my legs, I didn’t know what was happening. The eighth came up, I did a good job. -Gave out a batch of some good dick. -[scattered applause] Thank you for the applause, I appreciate it. Very sad that you felt like you had to clap there, but I’ll take it. “Thank God, Kevin. Jesus!” My honesty backfired over there. Ooh! Oh. Gave out some good dick on the eighth. In true woman fashion, on the ninth, she tried to get some more. It’s not our agreement. That’s not the deal we made. I said one date. Every other day could be trashy dick or not. You don’t f*ckin’ expect the same thing again. After my f*ckin’ bedtime, she come in 8:30 p.m., drunk as shit. It’s late. [all laugh] Trying to wake me up, “Get up.” “Trying to get some dick.” “Trying to get more of that eighth dick.” That’s what she said. [all laugh] “I want some more of that eighth dick. Let me get some of that eighth dick.” I snap, “Get the f*ck off me, get your hands off of me.” “Coming here this late at night waking me up.” “Waking the dog up.” Older you get, you care more about the animals than anything else. “The dog ain’t had a good night’s sleep in the last two weeks, you come in here all loud?” “Pissed off, I’m very pissed off right now.” Me and the dog went downstairs, slept. Slept in the guest f*cking room. “I’m not gonna stay with you and your selfishness ’cause you want some more of that eighth dick.” “You just lost a month is what you just did.” Took the next eighth off the contract is what I did. You know, honestly, what makes me laugh? Hearing other people talk about sex. That’s enough for me. Hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest shit in the world. Funniest people to listen to talk about sex is my nephews. My nephews are 21, 22 years old. It’s the funniest shit that you’ll ever hear, man. Funniest shit you’ll ever hear, but they don’t offer the information, you gotta bait it out of them. You gotta set a trap, see if they fall for it. I set the trap, they fall in every time. I just come in the room, hot. “Y’all ain’t f*ckin’ yet.” They take the bait every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” Every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me. I know you ain’t sayin’ I ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’!” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me.” “Go ahead, Unc.” “You ain’t f*ckin’, b!tch.” “I know your young ass ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’, Unc.” “Tell me what you doing.” “No, I ain’t telling you.” “‘Cause if I tell you, you’ll put it in your comedy show.” “I ain’t talking about you, shut up.” “What would I put you in my comedy show for?” “I got jokes, I don’t need you.” “What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing that you’ve done.” “No judging?” “No judging.” “F*ck I’mma judge you for?” “All right.” “Nastiest thing I’ve done…” “Went to the movies with this girl.” “We go to the movies, she tell me to get a large bucket of popcorn.” “I get the bucket of popcorn, I sit down, she cut a hole in the bottom, told me put my dick through the hole, gave me a butter beat-off.” I said, “What the f*ck?” Listen, I caught myself, I had to act like I knew what it was. Ha-ha! Ah. “A butter beat-off.” “I know that’s right.” “A butter beat-off.” You know you older ’cause you ask the wrong questions. “F*ck y’all get a large for? Why you waste all that popcorn?” “You should’ve just got the small.” “It’s a $12, $14 difference, ain’t it? Why you get that?” “The butter don’t get in your hole?” “That sound like an infection waiting to happen.” “It’s how you catch the VID. You gonna get the VID.” “Get the ‘VID-19 doing that shit, putting the butter in your hole.” “You don’t want the butter in your hole.” I ran home and told my wife. “Ain’t gonna believe this shit.” “Terrence told me these kids out here giving each other butter beat-offs.” She said, “They still doing that?” I said, “What the f*ck is happening here?” “Who are you?” I don’t even wanna know no more. You just stop right there. My kids better not be doing it, I know that much. If I find out my kids are doing it, I’ll have a goddamn fit. You can’t just ask your kids, though. You gotta, once again… You gotta set the trap, see if they step in it. We at dinner, eating a good dinner at the house, nice dinner. I throw the question out to my wife, “We should go to the movies.” “Maybe you can give a butter beat-off.” I look right at my f*ckin’ daughter. Right at my daughter. Staring at her ass. She didn’t budge. She was cool as a fan, eating her food and shit. I’ve never been more proud as a father. Thank you, God. Thank you, God, she don’t even know what it is. Thank you, God. Turn this way, my son was like, “Oh, yeah.” [crowd laughing] He said, “Yeah!” [chuckles] “You better get the large, Dad.” “You don’t want that butter in the hole, you’ll catch the ‘VID!” “Again. You don’t want it twice.” [chuckles] “You don’t want back-to-back cases of the ‘VID, Dad.” My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date. Took her to a dinner party. I’m not name-dropping, but this joke doesn’t make sense unless I… drop the name. I went to Seinfeld’s house for a dinner party. Some of the best food I’ve ever had. Food was f*ckin’ amazing, man. At the end of the dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out. He was like, [imitates Seinfeld] “Nobody go anywhere.” “You guys are in for a treat. Tonight… we’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza.” [in normal voice] Everybody went crazy. “What? Oh, my God! Brick-oven pizza?” “What?” One lady was like, “How many cheeses, Jerry?” Jerry’s like, “Seven different cheeses.” “Seven different cheeses.” People went crazy. By the way, all these people were white. These are all f*ckin’ white people. They start chanting, “BOP!” The f*ck is “BOP,” man? [chanting] “BOP!” What the f*ck is “BOP”? White woman leans over the table, she was like, “It’s short for brick-oven pizza.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” “Oh, shit.” “Oh, okay, I get it.” Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out. They had pizza-like garb on. They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit… [imitating Italian accent] I don’t know Italian. [imitating Italian accent] It just dawned on me, as I told that joke, what I’m doing is racist right now. I apologize. [imitating Italian accent] People were eating the pizza, going crazy. “Oh, my God. I taste the cheeses, Jerry.” “I taste the cheeses.” They brought me my pizza. I took a bite. I couldn’t f*cking believe it. Best pizza I’ve ever had in my life. Best f*cking pizza I’ve ever had. It had some type of lettuce on it. I’ve never tasted this shit. Told my wife, “It’s got some type of lettuce on it.” “Wait till you taste it.” This white woman leaned over again, she was like, “It’s arugula.” “What?” “It’s arugula.” “Oh, shit.” I took another bite. I got caught up. “BOP, BOP, BOP.” “BOP, BOP…” [chuckles] What an amazing night. F*cking amazing night, from start to finish, man. In the car, I was pissed. I was pissed, you know why? Because I wanted what Seinfeld had. I wanted that f*cking moment, man. Seinfeld was known as the brick-oven-pizza guy. He was known for something else outside of his fame. I wanted that. What really pissed me off was that the same people who built Seinfeld’s house built my house. Not once was I offered the option of getting a brick pizza oven at my goddamn house. This was racism at the highest level. It’s f*cking racist. The next morning comes, I call the contractors. I come in hot, “You racist f*cks!” “For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a brick pizza oven and not even bringing it up to me shows just how racist you are.” “You better make it right or it’s gonna get worse for you.” I hang up the phone. Pow! They call back, “What are you talking about?” “You know what I’m talking about. Black lives matter.” Hung up again. Pow. Within a day, they’re at my house. Had a blueprint of what my pizza oven can look like. Within a week, I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my house. Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had. I invited all my friends over. I’m gonna have a dinner party, just like Seinfeld did. All my friends finish eating. I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did. “All right.” “Nobody go anywhere because you guys are in for a treat tonight.” “We’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza tonight.” You hear murmurs around the room. “F*ck is he talking about? I ain’t eating no pizza off no brick.” Everybody at my party is Black. These are all Black people. “You better order Domino’s. I’m not eating that shit.” [Kevin chuckles] I said, “Now, I know what you’re thinking.” “How many cheeses?” “Seven different cheeses.” More murmurs. “I’m lactose intolerant. I’m not eating all that f*cking cheese.” “Everyone knows you only put that much cheese on macaroni.” “I’m not gonna eat that. What’s his problem?” I said, “Everybody get up. Let’s go outside ’cause that’s where the brick-oven pizza is.” More murmurs. “It’s cold as shit outside. I’m not going outside.” Black people got a response for every f*cking thing. “I’m not gonna do that. I’m not going outside.” I said, “Come on, everybody, say it with me, [chanting] ‘BOP, BOP, BOP.'” My friend Jamal stood up in the back, “Oh, if you got some BOP outside, I’m going.” Na’im said, “What the f*ck is BOP?” He said, “Man, he got some big old pussy out there. I’m goin’.” I said, “No, Jamal, ain’t no big old pussy out there.” “Yes, it is. That’s what BOP is.” “No, it’s not.” “Yes, it is. I was with you.” “We was in Atlanta, that big b!tch said, ‘Wanna see my BOP?'” “What’s that?” “And she was like, ‘Big old pussy.'” “And me and you start tipping her.” “I ain’t got no ones but I want to see it again.” Everybody left. I never got my moment. I did not get my moment. Keep in mind, I wanted that. I wanna be known for something outside my f*cking fame, man. I wanted be known as Kevin Hart, the brick-oven-pizza guy, and the moment was gone. I had to find a new hobby. Searched hard for a new hobby, too. I was road biking for a minute. Getting miles in on the bike. I stopped, though. The reason why I stopped, I didn’t like the way my dick looked in the outfit. True story. Looked like I had a clit, I didn’t like it. ‘Tween that and the long balls, it was a bad combination. Shit just didn’t look right. When you stop at a light, you gotta click out. [chuckles] You gotta snap out, like, “Hey, what’s up?” Cars were slowing down. “F*ck you slowing down for, man? Get out here! Stop looking.” This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m. I said, “You get outta here. I know what you want.” “Daywalker. Get your ass out of here.” “Ain’t no dicks out here for you, lady. Get out of here, daywalker.” “Get out of here.” I started boxing. Boxing became a hobby. I started boxing because I felt like it was something I could get better at every day. Every day, I can get good. It’s me against me. Went and found a trainer. The guy had amazing talent underneath his belt. Golden Glove fighters, Junior Olympics… I mean, there’s so much, lightweight champions. I said, “I know you’re not working now, but I’ll pay you good money to train me.” He said, “If you take me on, I’ll make you the best fighter ever.” I said, “That’s too much.” “I don’t want that. I just want to get good.” He said, “Done.” He became my trainer. Gotta be honest with you. He was f*cking good. Made me good. Told me shit I thought I would never hear. Compared me to boxers I’ve never heard of, but it still was a compliment. Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl. He’s like, “Kevin, do you know who that is?” I said, “No, I do not.” He said, “I’mma bring you a tape.” “You got a VCR?” “No, I do not.” Then he made me laugh when I told him I didn’t have one. He was like… [grunts] Like I was in the wrong year. “Can’t believe you don’t have a VCR. Goddamn.” “Why do you still have a VCR, sir?” Told me I have one of the best jabs he’s ever seen. He said, “Your jab reminds me of lightning coming from your shoulders.” “Lightning coming from your f*cking shoulders.” He said, “You thought about fighting?” I said, “No.” “What about sparring?” I said, “No, but I would.” “That’s all I need to hear. Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I’ll set you up.” “You need to see how good you are.” 6 a.m., I come to the gym. He got a guy there, my height, my build. Got my head gear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece. Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and my headgear. I said, “What’s this for?” He said, “So the punches slide off.” [crowd laughs] “Well, we never talked… Okay.” “We didn’t discuss that, but all right.” “Okay. If that’s what it’s gonna do, then that’s what it’s gonna do.” He’s done putting Vaseline on. Walks out the ring. I said, “Wait, you didn’t do him yet.” He said, “He’s okay. He don’t need it.” “Huh. All right.” That’s weird. Okay, whatever. I’m gonna go with the flow. He said, “We’re gonna do three three-minute rounds.” “Nobody’s here to hurt anybody.” “Have a good time. Keep it loose.” He yells out, “Take it easy on him.” I assume he’s talking to me. Gotta be talking to me. I yelled back, “Gotcha, coach.” Put a confident laugh behind it. “Ha, ha!” We get to our corners. The bell rings. Ding. I come out. I want him to see that I could fight. You could tell I can fight by the way I hold my shoulders. Look how I’m moving. Hmm? My feet are spaced apart. Look at my foot move. Look how I’m moving, b!tch. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk. Mmm-hmm. Yeah, you see it. He flatfooted. Oh! He’s not even on the balls of his foot. I’m gonna whoop his ass. I’m getting more confidence as I move around. My coach says, “Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go.” All right. “Ask and you shall receive.” I hope he got the Weather Channel, ’cause this is about to be some lightning. When you throw a jab, you take a step. Take a step, let the jab go at the same time. Turn it over. Every time. [mimics punch] That’s how you throw it. I take my step. I’m about to turn it over. I’m right here. Here it is. About to turn that b!tch over. You better brace yourself. Here it come. Ooh. It’s coming. Right here. I’m right here, but I’m about to get here. Here I am, but I’m about to get right there. You better brace yourself. I’m right here. Before I did that… [knocking] he hit me. I immediately lost my vision. Immediately. I went blind immediately. Couldn’t see shit. Everything was black. Aah… I read that you could get brain damage or die from a punch. I just lost my f*cking vision. I don’t have eyesight no more. I can’t see. I panicked. I turned around. I’ve been known to do this move several times. I start punching backwards. I’ve talked about it in my past specials. I’m a backwards puncher. When I panic, I f*cking start punching. My trainer said, “Kevin, throw the jab, throw the jab!” I said, “For what, liar?” It ain’t lightning unless he’s a storm tracker, okay? Because this is f*cking ridiculous. I’m blind. I can’t see shit. Aah! I’m blind. “Ring the bell. Ring the f*cking bell.” The bell rings. I can’t get to the corner. I gotta follow his voice to the corner. Aah! As I get to the corner, my trainer, he’s like, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I’m blind. I can’t f*cking see.” He just lift my head gear up… Apparently, when he hit me, he knocked my head gear over my eyes. It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time. He’s like, “Why didn’t you lift it up?” I said, “Because we never went over that in practice.” “I think you put too much Vaseline on me.” “That’s why I was sliding all over the place.” “Sliding all over the f*cking place. I don’t wanna do this no more.” “You’re just gonna quit?” “I don’t call it that, “I just wanna do something else.” “What you gonna tell him?” I said, “I’m never talking to him again in my f*cking life.” “My lawyer will talk to him. He’s going to jail.” “I bet you that. He’s going to f*cking jail after this.” “What he did to me tonight was assault. That’s what the f*ck this was.” “Assault at the highest level.” I quit. Walked away from boxing that day. Walked away. Never went back. Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl. I went and found this guy. I wanted to know who he was. Who are you comparing me to? After that display of boxing that I gave, I wanted to see who the f*ck was like me or who was I like? Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm. He was a handicapped fighter. He was one in thirty-eight. His one win came from disqualification. He got knocked out, they kicked him in the face. That’s why they gave him the “W.” He had a squeaky voice. So my trainer was talking about my voice all this time. It had nothing to do with my fighting style. Just so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter. I know, I’m gonna get a lot of shit after this joke from f*cking one-armed people. I guess, they’ll cancel me next, I don’t know. Good news is their rally won’t last long ’cause they can’t hold them signs for too long. [chuckles] ‘Cause they only got one… [chuckles] They’re gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down. Unless they coordinate it right with the equal amount of right hands and left hands, they’re not gonna get their message across to cancel me. So… that’s some good news. Maybe I should take that one out. Let’s take that one out. I’m gonna get canceled for that one. F*ck it. I’m in my house. I’m gonna say what the f*ck I want. It’s a joke. [crowd applauding] It’s a joke. I was so happy, man, after that spar, because that was the first sign that I was back to myself of old. I started sparring after my accident. You guys don’t know, a year ago, I got into a really bad car accident. Almost f*cking died, man. Damn near paralyzed. A lot of bad shit happened. I was in a hospital for a minute. Thought about a lot. ‘Cause I thought about a lot, I can now ask you things that I know you haven’t thought about. Question number one is, do you have an ass wiper in your life? Think about it. An ass wiper. Somebody that will wipe your ass if shit hit the fan for the rest of your life, if need be. You don’t think you need it until you f*cking need it. After surgery, I didn’t go to the bathroom for eight days. I was constipated. They wouldn’t let me leave until I went to the bathroom. Had to make sure my organs were working. I had somebody by my side every single day. On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap when I was by myself. During this gap, it felt like somebody threw a stick of dynamite in my f*cking stomach and that b!tch exploded. Boo! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I gotta go. I gotta go to the f*cking bathroom. Can’t move my legs. I can’t move my arms. There’s nobody there. I start pressing the help button. “Help!” “Help! Help!” “Help! Somebody gotta help!” José came running in the room. José was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse. “What’s up, my friend?” [crowd laughing] “José.” “I gotta go to the bathroom, man, now.” “I gotta go right now.” “Okay. I got you, man. I’ll take care of you. I’ll get you good.” José grabbed my legs, grabs my upper body, picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was right next to the bed. After he sits me on the toilet, José took two giant steps backwards, [grunts] folded his arms, was looking me in the eye, rocking back and forth like this. “Oh, no.” “The f*ck is happening, José?” “I gotta go, man. Why you still here?” Then it dawned on me, “Oh, my God, José’s gotta wipe my ass.” “Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it.” “This is rock f*cking bottom. I’m here. It can’t get worse than this.” When I say that, José decides to say things that make me feel better. “Don’t worry, man. I’m gonna wipe you good, okay?” “I’m gonna wipe you good, okay, man?” “I got you. You’re in good hands with me. I’mma wipe you good, okay, man?” At this point, I’m f*cking in disbelief. I just can’t believe what’s happening. I can’t hold it. I just go. I start going. José decides to cheer me on. “Good, good, good.” “You gotta get it out, man.” “Eight days’ a long time for anybody, man.” I get done going, José grabs my right arm, rolls me over. José starts wiping my ass. At this point, a single tear rolls down my f*cking cheek. I’m crying. The reason I’m crying is because my arms are numb, my legs are numb. But I couldn’t figure out why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass. Why not numb that up, too? Why let me feel what the f*ck is happening? At the lowest point of my life, why feel José wiping my ass? Crying uncontrollably at this point. José decides to say something else. “It’s okay, man. This is crazy, man. I know.” “Imagine how I feel, man.” “I can’t believe I’m wiping Kevin Hart’s ass, man.” [crowd laughs and applauds] “This is crazy.” -“It’s my first famous ass, man.” [crowd cheering] Guys, this has been such an amazing night of f*cking comedy. Dude, it’s been such a great night. [all cheering] Such a great, intimate night. We shared so much. I love it. It’s such a different vibe. It’s a comfortable vibe. It’s a sexy vibe. More importantly, it was a vibe that I got to be myself in, but I don’t want you guys to leave with just some laughter from jokes. I feel like I can give you more. I want you to know me for more, okay? ‘Cause I got more. I got more. [crowd applauding] With that being said, I hope you guys are ready for some BOP. Bring out the BOP. That’s right. Brick-oven pizza for everybody. BOP! Yes, that’s right. I got some BOP for you. I see you. [all applauding] [all chanting] BOP! Yes! Thank you guys so much. What an amazing night. [chanting] BOP! BOP! [gasps] What’s wrong with you, boy? I just had the the craziest dream. Oh, my gosh. No, it was crazy. It’s okay. No, it’s not. I dreamt that I was on stage, and I was doing stand up about stuff that I would never say. I called my daughter a ho. I called my son dumb. I said I don’t like private school and the plant-based community was wilin’. -[sputters] -All right. I went through this whole phase where I said I was at Seinfeld’s house. I ain’t never been to Seinfeld’s house. I said, I said– Go back to sleep. You were just having a bad nightmare. [groans] Just a nightmare, right? Yeah. It was just… It was just a nightmare. Yes, go back to sleep, please. You ever had BOP? No? [hip-hop music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Craig Ferguson: Just Being Honest (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-just-being-honest-transcript/

Watch the full show for free on YouTube [bagpipe music] ♪ ♪ [upbeat rock music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause intensify] It’s a great day for America, everybody! [cheers and applause] It’s– It’s a great day for me. I finally get to use my sign! You’d be surprised how many times in America they’re not that happy to see that sign. We’ve been touring. They’re like, “This is Greensboro, North Carolina. Boo!” Who’s smoking weed? I can smell weed. What the f*ck? Look, this is an intervention. Actually, I’m not doing a show. We’re worried about your weed use. You got any weed up there in the cheap seats? Any weed going on up there? [cheers and applause] [Craig laughs] I’m very happy to be here. If you’ve ever seen me before, first of all, I apologize– no refunds. And secondly, you know what I like to do every evening is tell a joke, just one joke, but a great joke– the best joke in the world. Yeah. No, that’s true. If you Google the– [light applause] – All right. I want to encourage you. No, the– [applause] No, no, no, no. I’m over it. Anyway, look, this is the number-one joke in the English language, this joke, and the number-one joke in the United States. And if you know anything about me, you know I’m a very patriotic American. No irony, no bullshit, very patriotic. I start every show with “It’s a great day for America.” That’s my thing. That’s my catch– [cheers and applause] Don’t. No, it’s all right. It’s my catchphrase– “It’s a great day for America.” I tried other catchphrases. I tried, “That sounded dirty.” [laughter] Just kind of creep people out. And then, “See you in hell, amigos!” And nobody could make any sense of that one. My own personal favorite– “F*ck you, Dr. Phil!” But… [laughter and applause] None of them took off, so it’s a great day for America. That’s my thing that I say. That’s the one I’ll be saying for the rest of my life. That’s the one I’ll be saying when I’m doing ads for local car dealerships. Come on down to Toyotathon, cheeky monkeys. Look at these deals in new and used models. It’s a great day for America. [laughter] That’s the big blowy guy out front. I don’t know. Oh, I see what you’re doing. It’s the big blowy guy out front. Did any of you see the big blowy guy out front? Hello. I think you know what I’m saying. [laughs] It’s not a great idea having a catchphrase, to be honest, if you do what I do, because people get very angry if you forget to say it. I won’t say where, but recently in Greensboro, North Carolina, I came out, and I forgot to say, “It’s a great day for America,” and there was a gentleman waiting for me at the stage door. And I’m not talking, like, in Broadway, where the gentleman has a top hat and a scarf and says, “Can I take you to a supper club, young missy?” I mean… [laughter] Ooh, here’s hoping tonight. But, no, I mean, there was a guy waiting. I think–I’m pretty sure he was armed. He was like, “Why didn’t you say it was a great day for America?” I was like, “I just forgot, man.” He’s like, “You didn’t forget. I know what you’re doing. I seen Homeland.” It was like, “No, man, I forgot.” People get mad at you if you forget to say it, and people get mad at you if you say it. There’s always one every night, if I come out and I’m like, “Oh, it’s a great day for America,” they’ll be somebody like, “Why is it a great day for America, Craig? My cat got shingles today.” [laughter] “My cat, which is coincidentally named America.” [laughter] It’s all right. Cats can’t get shingles. It’s just a joke. I don’t think they can get shingles, anyway. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, just like Dr. Phil isn’t. [laughter and applause] No, I don’t know. Shingles is–I mean, I wouldn’t wish shingles on a cat. It’s a terrible thing. It is. If you’ve ever had shingles, it’s awful. It sounds like it’d be fabulous. Like, “You wearing your shingles to Gay Pride?” “F*cking bet I am, bitch. I’m gonna be covered in shingles and smelling of weed.” But it’s not like that at all, shingles. It’s like, “Oh, God! Aah, it’s so painful, shingles. I hope cats get this.” [chuckles] But people get mad at you if you say your catchphrase. People get mad at you if you don’t say your catchphrase. People get mad at you if you do what I do for a living. They just get mad at you if you just talk. I think people are mad at me on the way to the f*cking theater. I think people are offended before they leave the f*cking house. “You ready to go to the show?” “Yep.” “Are you offended?” “F*cking right, I am. Let’s go.” So, if people get offended at one of my shows, I think, “What did you think was gonna happen? “What did you think was gonna happen? I mean, what”… [babbling] Anyway, what I’m saying is people get offended all the time. Let me just apologize now, do you know what I mean? Let me just apolo–because before this night is through, I guarantee that each and every one of you will be offended by something that I say. [cheers and applause] Save your applause until it’s your turn, all right? Not that I’m gonna offend you, of course, because I happen to believe what everyone in this room believes. Craig, that’s crazy. You can’t believe what everyone believes. I don’t. I only believe what everyone in this room believes. Everyone who’s not here is a stupid asshole. Am I right, everybody in this room? [cheers and applause] Yeah! I’m not judging them. I’m just being honest. That’s what you say, by the way, if you want to say the worst shit you can think of and get away with it, you just add to the sentence, “I’m not judging. I’m just being honest.” Then you can say what the f*ck you like. It is carte blanche, which is French for “white map.” It is white map. It is white map to say whatever you want. I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. You can say what you like. I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. But your mom gives terrible blow jobs. [laughter] Is that too much already? All right. We’ll bring it back a bit. I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. Your mom gives great blow jobs. You know, when people get offended at one of my shows, I think, “What the f*ck did you think was gonna happen? I mean, really, you come to a tumbledown shit pit like this”– I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. “You come– “you come to a beautiful theater like this, “stinking of weed, “to see a creepy foreigner that used to tell dirty jokes “in the middle of the night on free TV. What the f*ck did you think was gonna happen?” [cheers and applause] See, I think– I used to think that everybody came to a comedy show for a laugh, and most people do, I think, but there are some, there’s always some in every show that are here for something better than a laugh. They’re about here tonight, I think. They’re here for something better, not for comedy, for something ever more fun– the exquisite pleasure of righteous indignation. [laughter] Yes, that’s not funny to me, because I’m morally superior to you. But let me put it to you, if everyone around you is laughing and you are not laughing, perhaps you are not morally superior. Perhaps you’re just a miserable shit. Not judging. It’s not that you’re not allowed to be offended. Of course you are. You must talk about what offends you. That’s what I do. I talk about what offends me. It’s just that whatever, you know, seems to offend most people doesn’t seem to bother me at all. I’m not offended by, you know, what you believe. I don’t give a shit what your belief system is. I mean, you’re wrong, but I’m not offended by it. I’m not offended if you think that magic underpants are gonna put God in a good mood. Good for you. I’m not offended if you think the magic Scientology machine will make you not gay. Good for you. Here’s one. I’m not offended if you think the biscuit turns into Jesus. [laughter] Ooh, remember how excited you were about how offended you were gonna be? Wait a minute. No, of course the biscuit turns into Jesus. [laughter] Can I ask, when does the biscuit turn into Jesus? Is it on the way to your mouth or does your saliva activate the biscuit, turning it into Jesus? For example, could you go to a supermarket, open up a packet of biscuits, and go… [chomps] Jesus? Not judging. No, none of that offends me. I’m not offended by your belief system. Believe what you want. I don’t care. You know what offends me is those bastards that walk around with shoes that look like feet. F*ck those people! Oh, my shoes look like feet. Look at that! Oh-ho! My shoes, they look like– It’s like walking around in your bare feet. Oh, that’s amazing. That must be amazing. What does that feel like? You want to impress me, you have feet that look like shoes. [laughter] That’s a way to look smart and save money at the same time. Oh, my shoes look like feet. You know the people I’m talking about. The bastards that play Hacky Sack. Hey, hey, hey! That’s another thing that offends me–Hacky Sack. That is not a sport. That is not an activity. It’s stoner foot juggling. My shoes look like feet. Actually, I want to tell you something. I’ll get on with the show in a minute. I, um… I’ll be fine. It’ll all cut together. I was in Scotland recently, and I was in a toy store with one of my kids. I wasn’t just hanging around in a toy store. [laughs] Hey, how you doing? Like my shoes? They look like feet, don’t they? [laughter] I kind of creeped myself out there a little bit. No, I was in a toy store with one of my kids, and I saw that–in Scotland– and I saw that they have Hacky Sack in Scotland now, but they’ve changed the name of it to make it sound more Scottish to market it to a Scottish audience. So it’s not called Hacky Sack. It’s called, and I’m not kidding, footbag. [laughter] Footbag! They have sucked all the joy and frivolity out of the activity and made it sound like an unpleasant medical procedure. I’m afraid you’re gonna have to have a footbag, Mr. Ferguson. Footbag. Come on, let’s play footbag with the amputated scrotum of an Englishman. Ah, footbag. [laughter and applause] [laughs] Anyway, what I’m saying is I don’t like the people with the shoes that look like feet. I don’t like that. You know the people I’m talking about? The people that have got prescriptions for medical marijuana, but they don’t really need it. It’s like, “Yeah, it’s for my anxiety.” “I get really anxious if I’m not high.” You know what? I don’t want to even smoke marijuana anymore. I haven’t smoke marijuana in over 20 years, but at least when I did, it was illegal. You f*cking pussies! You don’t have the decency to buy your recreational drugs from a dangerous criminal in a truck stop bathroom. F*ck you people! Oh, my shoes look like feet. Ah, ah, ah. I don’t like that whole “things are like other things” way of life. I don’t like it. You know, it’s like, my shoes look like feet. Oh, this tofu tastes like bacon. No, it doesn’t! No, it doesn’t! It tastes like feet. My shoes look like feet. This tofu tastes like bacon. This melon feels like a vagina. Actually, that–that is true. [laughs] Perhaps I’ve said too much. What can I tell you? I was young. I was in love. It was Paris. It was springtime. Melons were in season. We saw each other over the produce counter. Here’s a tip, by the way, if you are going to try the melon-vagina experiment. Please, allow the melon to reach room temperature first. [laughter] Don’t just go straight to the refrigerator and get busy. Don’t! Go out, see a movie or something. Get to know each other. Don’t just go at it with a freezing-cold melon. I think that’s what happened to Christopher Walken. [laughter] You know somebody’s gonna be angry now. People get very angry usually when you talk about having sex with fruit. Oh, come on, Craig, that’s disgusting. It’s not even comedy. It’s just disgusting. Yes. Yes, it is. If you are doing it correctly. It’s not even comedy. My father used to say the same thing about music I liked when I was a kid. He was like, “That’s not even music, son. That’s just a noise.” I’d be like, “That’s what f*cking music is, Dad. It’s a noise. “Oh, that’s not even music. It’s a noise.” ‘Cause I used to–’cause I loved punk rock when I was a kid. We all did. It was like… ♪ F*ck you to the queen ♪ ♪ F*ck you to the queen, f*ck you to the… ♪ ♪ F*ck you to the queen ♪ ♪ The queen, ah, ah, ah, queen ♪ We were very angry at the queen… [laughter] Which I think must have confused the queen a great deal at the time. She’d be like, “What the f*ck? Why is everybody angry at me all of a sudden?” This is the queen walking her dog. Painting a word picture. No, we were very angry at the queen. I can’t remember why. We were young and therefore stupid. That’s right, young people, I called you stupid. Tell me how offended you are on Instagram. [laughter] That’s how you little f*ckers deal with confrontation now, isn’t it? “Oh, yeah? Well, guess what. “I’ve got some things to say to you, and this is gonna be bad. Aah!” Send. Anyway, my dad used to hate the music, ’cause I loved punk rock, and my dad hated it. He was like, “That’s not even music, son. It’s just a noise.” I’d be like, “Dad, that’s what music is. It’s a noise.” For example, I don’t particularly enjoy the saxophone stylings of Kenny G, all right? I understand this is risky material. Stay with me. I don’t–I don’t care for Kenny G. I’m not into it. I don’t like all that… ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ [laughter] ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ But I admit, it’s music. It’s just music that I don’t want to hear. And it’s very difficult to avoid. It’s f*cking everywhere. It’s in the hotel lobbies. It’s in the elevators. It’s the hold music for the hard-core gay chat lines. It’s everywhere! What do you want? Melons, please. Hold on. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ You know, I didn’t know that Kenny G was a real person for the longest time. I thought it was just a computer program that helped you relax… ’cause it’s been proven by science. It’s been proven that the sound of Kenny G, that.. ♪ Fadoodle doodle ♪ That physically has an effect on you. That physically relaxes your muscles. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ Feel what’s happening in your buttocks right now. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ ♪ Do do do-do do ♪ If I keep doing this, you’ll shit yourself. [humming] Some of you may be ahead of the curve, I don’t know. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ I didn’t think Kenny G was a real person until I met him. Shut up, Craig. You did not. You f*cking shut up. I did. I did. There was a big Hollywood party, and there was some kind of a mix-up, ’cause I was invited. So I went, and… Kenny G was the entertainment. But it was the most amazing, like, type of performance I’d ever seen in my life. It wasn’t like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny G,” and he came down the stairs. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ He didn’t do that. He was just walking around the party fadoodling. Like… ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ ♪ Fadoodle do ♪ You’d be talking to someone, and he would be like, “I think I can hear Kenny– Oh, Kenny G!” ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ He was like Mr. Tumnus with his little hooves and his flute. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ It was the most amazing style of performance I’d ever seen in my life. It was like he was there, but he was not there. Like he was in the room, but he wasn’t in the room. It was like you had to believe in him, or your couldn’t see him! [laughter] And then I figured out what the G stands for. God. That’s right. His full name is Kenneth God. That’s right. After you die, that’s what you hear. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ For eternity. See, that’s what proves that all artistic criticism is subjective and has no factual value, because for people who love Kenny G, that’d be Heaven. For people who hate Kenny G, it’d be hell. You know, for example, if I die and I hear… ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ I’ll be like, “Oh, shit. I totally misread that.” But people who love Kenny G, they’d be like… ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ “Oh, it’s all been worth it.” ♪ Fadoodle do ♪ “And the biscuit does turn into Jesus?” ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ Some people love– You know who loves Kenny G… I was like, “That’s weird.” And then, “No, it kind of makes sense.” Is Bill Clinton loves Kenny G. But–No, he does, but it makes sense, ’cause you think, well, Bill Clinton’s a saxophone player and Kenny G’s a saxophone player, and then, of course, the seductive properties of the saxophone. You know, like… [imitating Bill Clinton] ♪ Fadoodle do ♪ ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ ♪ Fadoodle, mm, uh ♪ [laughs] “Baby, I can play your cooter like Kenny plays the tooter. Mm-hmm.” ♪ Fadoodle, mm, uh ♪ ♪ Fadoodle, mm ♪ [laughter] I fully understand that 50% of the men in this room have no f*cking idea what I’m doing right now. Like, “What the hell is he doing that fadoodling? That some kind of European shit? What is that? Fadoodle doodling.” Of course, the real tragedy is about 10% of the women have no idea what I’m doing either. “What is he doing? “Why do I like that so much? I just shit myself.” [laughter] No, anyway, what I’m saying is Kenny G’s performance– [laughs] Made myself laugh. That’s good. Kenny G’s performance was amazing. It was like he was there, but he was not there. I’d never seen anything like it. I think Kenny G could have sex with you and you wouldn’t even know. Am I moving too fast for you, son? I’m one guy. Oh, Jesus, it’s a middle-aged white guy moving slowly from side to side. You would be the worst prisoner of war guard ever. [German accent] Vhere did zey go? I don’t know. Zey were moving. [laughter] [normal voice] What I’m saying is Kenny G could have sex with you and you wouldn’t even know Kenny G. He’s that good. You’re just standing and talking to someone at the party, like, “Mm-hmm, yes.” Then it’s like… “I think I’ve just been surprise finger-banged.” And you turn around, and Kenny’d be walking away. ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ ♪ Fadoodle do-do-do ♪ [laughter] Oh, is that the edge? Have we found the edge, New York? No, Craig! No, please! Don’t pretend to smell a pretend smell off your finger! [laughter] [sniffs] [cheers and applause] [sniffs] Melon. Anyway, much as I hate the music of Kenny G, and I do, I much prefer it to the shit that kids are listening to now, all that kind of… ♪ Whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ Ooh ahh ahh ♪ ♪ The lights… ♪ ♪ There’s lights ♪ ♪ Lights ♪ ♪ The lights ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ What the f*ck is that? That’s not music. That’s just a noise. And then this, the dancing, the… ♪ Ah ah-ah ah ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ah ♪ The twerking, the… ♪ Ah ah-ah-ah ♪ That’s not a dance. That’s not erotic. That’s like when the dog has worms, and he’s trying to wipe his ass on the carpet. ♪ Ah ah-ah-ah ♪ What’s wrong with Miley? The poor kid’s got worms, wiping her ass on the carpet. I don’t like the way the dog holds eye contact when he’s doing that. Ah. Oh. Yeah, rou rike rat, don’t you? Now, look, I am fully aware that attacking the music of young people makes me an old geezer. And it’s true. I f*cking am. I’m 52 years old. 52. [cheers and applause] Stop! Don’t. Don’t. Do not. That is very rude. When somebody says their age, you go, “Oh, 52, still alive. “Look at you walking around. Did he shit his pants?” Only a little bit. [laughter] I’m a member of the AARP. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be. They just make you a member. You turn 50, you are in. I’m like, “No, no, thanks. I don’t want to be.” They’re like, “Yeah, you’re in. Come on. Come on.” Actually, it starts when you’re 49 1/2. You come out in the mornings, and you see on your driveway little tennis ball marks. They’ve been there during the night. [groaning] Soon. One of us. One of us. [laughter] Nothing against the AARP. They’re a fine organization. They do a lot of good work for charity. I just don’t want to be in your club. I don’t want to be in anybody’s club. I particularly don’t want to be in your club when the only requirement for membership is starting to look like your own scrotum. Did you ever see me in that late-night show and go, “I wonder what his balls look like”? This. Maybe a bit down on that side, but for the most part… It’s true. For my next driver’s license photograph, I can just stick a camera down my pants, photograph my scrotum, and put it on the license. And then when the cops pull me over, they’ll be like, “Hey, wait a minute. This was taken a while ago, wasn’t it?” [laughter] I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, I’m like, “Why are my balls wearing a tie? Oh, no.” [laughter] I have to shave like I shave down there now… very carefully. I have to spread the skin and go like that and spread the skin and go like that. Do not judge me! I have to shave there because of all the gray hair. If I don’t, it looks like two prunes lost in the fog. [laughter] Actually, maybe not. Maybe it looks like one little prune is lost, and a big prune is helping him through the fog. [laughs] I’m scared, mister. I’ll get you there, son. Don’t worry. Anyway, I’ve thought of a way of combating the aging process. It’s a fantastic idea. I’m surprised no one’s thought of it before. I’m gonna get a great deal of plastic surgery. (audience) No! Yes. Yes, I am. I’m gonna get it. People usually get very angry. “No! We don’t really mean it. We think you should.” People usually get very angry when you say you’re gonna get plastic surgery. They’re like, “Oh, come on, Craig. “How can you be so vain? How can you be so vain to get plastic surgery?” I’m like, “I’m not vain. I just want to look good.” You don’t go up to somebody who’s had a haircut and go, “How can you get your hair cut? You’re so vain. “Did you buy new pants? You are so vain. I can’t believe you.” Actually, that’s not true. I get a bit of that when I go back to Scotland. They’re like, “Oh, aye, here he comes now– Mr. 36 Teeth.” [laughter] Everybody wants to look good. The only people that genuinely don’t give a shit about how they look are, paradoxically, nudists. [laughter] Which is weird, but they don’t. They’re like, “Ah, f*ck it, let’s play volleyball. “Ha ha! Yeah! Come on, let’s grill some sausages.” I went to a nude beach once in Portugal. It was fan– Well, I went– I was 23 years old. I was on vacation in Portugal, and I saw this sign for a nude beach that said “nude beach” in Portuguese, but I read Portuguese, so… (man) Yay! Thanks. Thanks, gullible stoner in the second row. [laughter] Yeah, I’m high, and I’m also Portuguese. Really? Well, you’ll know what the sign said, then. It said, “nudo beacho.” Are you also a nudist? – No. – Oh, okay. ‘Cause I just like the idea of you sitting there as a Portuguese nudist, and I said, “Everybody’s gonna be offended.” And you thought to yourself, “Not me, my friend.” Anyway, I went to this nude beach, ’cause I thought it’d be fantastic. I thought, well, it’ll be full of beautiful, young Portuguese and Spanish and French women all saying, “Craig, help us put suntan lotion on. Use your thumb, Craig. Do anything.” But there are no beautiful, young people on the naked beaches of Europe. Save your vacation dollar. There’s only Germans… [laughter] Overweight Germans of indeterminate gender. You can’t tell–Even when the volleyball starts, you’re like, “Oh, oh, nope. Could go either way. I don’t know.” Germans walking up and down… [German accent] “Mm, I love to feel the sun on my pleasure organs.” [laughter] “Oh, look, a shell.” [normal voice] There’s your first-row ticket price right there, lady. You know, people say to me, “Craig, why do you always use a German accent to imply sexual perversion?” Well, there’s two reasons, really. One, come on, and… Nah, it’s a ridiculous stereotype. I know it is, but it’s just because of something that happened to me at a pivotal age. I was, like– Actually, it’s a New York story. It’s the first time– I met a German person the first time I came to New York as an adult. It was 1983, and it was the first time I had come here unsupervised. 1983, a flight from Glasgow to Newark, New Jersey. And there I took a bus. I didn’t have much money. Took a bus from Newark right into 42nd Street Port Authority Bus Station. And I was so excited. It was fantastic. It was like, “Oh, I’m so happy to be in… ♪ New York ♪ ♪ New York, New York ♪ ♪ Who will be my friend? ♪ ♪ This is so exciting ♪ r outfit and everything. Now, this is Manhattan in 1983. Now it’s different. Now it’s like f*cking Disneyland. You guys will all be fine tonight. You’ll be able to get home. Nobody’ll kill ya, maybe, but… [mumbles] Nobody’s looking at any danger on the way home, but in 1983, it wasn’t like Disneyland around here. It was like f*cking Game of Thrones out there. [laughter and applause] It’s very different. Ah! Ha ha! It was wild, and I got out– I was 19. I got out at Port Authority Bus Station, I was out, and it was, like, 42nd Street 1983 all the way down one side, all the way down the other side, peep shows. That’s all there were, peep shows. I didn’t know what they were, ’cause we didn’t have peep shows in Scotland. It’s illegal to even think about peeping. I didn’t know what they were. I thought they might be something dirty, because they had this, you know, the kind of silhouette of the lady outside, like that. I thought, “Ooh, it’s either something dirty, “or it’s where truckers go to get their mud flaps. Either way, I’m in.” So I thought, “I’ll go to this peep show.” So I run up to the first peep show, and there’s a guy sitting on a stool outside of it. He’s got one arm, and his sleeve is taped to his jacket. He’s got an eye patch and a parrot and a hook and– And he’s like, “Ah!” It was like, “Hey, mister, I want to go to the peep show.” I had the hat with the little propeller on it and everything. [laughter] Now, let me explain. If you don’t understand what a peep show is– Some of you are too young to understand what a peep show is. Let me explain. A peep show– before the Internet, people had to forage for their porn. Back then, perverts were hunter-gatherers, going from place to place. A peep show– it was amazing. You’re in this peep show, and you put a quarter into a slot, and a little letter box, a little kind of mail thing, mailbox thing opened up, and inside was a room, and this room was an angry, middle-aged lady in her underwear, smoking a cigarette, saying, “What the f*ck you looking at?” Then is slipped down again. It was the most erotic thing I’d ever seen in my life! I, like, put all my money in. [groaning] Anyway, that’s not the German thing. What happened was I was– I was in there, and I ran out of quarters, and I thought, “I’m gonna have to make friends here. I can’t stay here all day, much as I want to.” So I started to panic, ’cause I thought, “I don’t know how to make friends in this town.” Then I thought, “Well, do what you would do in Glasgow. “Glasgow’s a working-class town. I’m a working-class man. “What would you do in Glasgow to meet people? I’d go to a workingman’s bar.” So I looked down 42nd Street in 1983 for a workingman’s bar, and I see one. I can tell it’s a workingman’s bar, cops are going in there. Construction workers are going in there. Some Native Americans are going in there. I didn’t even know there were tribes left in Manhattan. This is great. And I went in this bar. It was very dark, and it was all guys. I thought, “Well, where are the women at?” And then I looked over, and all the women were over there. I said, “Good evening, ladies.” They’re like… [deep voice] “Hey, what’s up?” And then– I was like, “Oh, it’s a gay bar. “All right, well, okay, “I’ll just finish my drink, which I’m about to order, and then I’ll leave.” I was wearing my sailor outfit. I looked great. I was sitting up at the bar, and this guy came up to me, and he said… [German accent] “Hello.” I said, “Hello.” He said, “I am German.” I said, “I know. I can tell from your hat.” ‘Cause he was wearing, and I’m not kidding, a leather hat with a spike coming out of it. I was like, “Too soon, girl.” [laughter] So he said, “Can I ask you something?” And I said, “Sure,” and then he said the dirtiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, before or since. Now, don’t get mad at me, ’cause this is what he actually said, right? I’m just reporting. He said–he said, and I quote, “Can I ask you something?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Can I kiss you where it stinks, und I don’t mean Cleveland.” And I was like… “What? Who’s Cleveland?” Anyway, he’s a lovely man. We still keep in touch, but that’s why– Christmas cards and stuff. That’s why I think of the German thing. That’s not the point. I was talking about plastic surgery. And I’m gonna get a lot of it. Now, the thing is, about plastic surgery is, you have to get good plastic surgery, ’cause if you get bad plastic surgery, you look like the dog with his head out the car window. You have to have good plastic surgery. Now, I live in Los Angeles, which has a lot of plastic surgeons, but not very many of them are any good, and these guys– There’s only about four of them, I think, that are any good. And they’re not just doctors. They’re like sculptors. They have a style. They have a look. So what happens is that people start looking similar. People start looking related. I’m telling you, you go to Beverly Hills at any time of the day, it looks like there’s only four families that live there. And people start looking related from different ethnic groups. They look like they could– I mean, it’s amazing. I’m like, “Wow.” I’ve seen this with my own eyes. Cher and Bruce Jenner could be sisters. [audience groans] Anyway, I thought it was just a Hollywood rumor, ’cause I hear all these Hollywood rumors, and they’re usually bullshit, you know. I mean, ’cause I meet these people, and I go, “Oh, that’s bullshit.” Like, the rumor that I’d heard for years– For years, I’d heard the rumor about Richard Gere, the actor, Richard Gere. Did you ever hear that rumor? I mean, this predates the Internet, this rumor. Yeah, I think it was a German guy in a bar in New York told me this. For years, this rumor was going around that apparently, for sexual pleasure, Richard Gere put a gerbil or a hamster in his ass, you know, for sex– for his sexual pleasure, not the–I don’t think the rodent gets anything out of it. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! [applause] No. No, this is the rumor that apparently the actor Richard Gere would put this stuff– And I never questioned it. I just went, “Oh, I didn’t know that. Oh, gosh, people are so strange, aren’t they?” And then I meet the actor Richard Gere, and it’s in my f*cking head when I’m shaking the man’s hand. I’m thinking, “I wonder if he has a rodent– No! Of course he doesn’t have a rodent in his ass!” I’m talking to this guy. I don’t even think he has a pet. [laughter] At least I didn’t see one. Come to think of it, I might have heard… [high-pitched voice] “Help me. Send cheese.” I’ll tell you what does happen in Hollywood, if you’re there for any length of time, though. What happened to me– a very strange thing, is that you will eventually meet someone who was a hero to you when you were a child, and that is very, very strange. Now, it happened to me just very early on. I’d only been there about 18 months, and I was working on The Drew Carey Show. You guys remember The Drew Carey Show? [cheers and applause] Right. The Drew Carey Show, if you remember, it was basically– you know, most of the time it was just Drew and Kathy Kinney, the actress who played Mimi, and they would, you know, fight each other, and I played the English boss, Mr. Wick. And I’d come in and go, “Carey, you’re fired,” once a week, and then– then I’d go to my trailer and play with fruit… [laughter] For a week. So I was bored. They were nice people, but I was bored. So what I did in order to pass the time– We made The Drew Carey Show on the Warner Brothers Studio lot, which is a huge studio lot. They make everything there. You know, movies and TV shows, everything. So what I did was I started reading the screenplays, the scripts to movies that were in production at the time. You know, just to pass the time. This is about 18 years ago. And it was a very interesting point, I read a screenplay to a movie called Twister. You guys remember that movie Twister, about the tornado and the cows, like, “Ooh, tornado”? Well, it was very interesting ’cause the script was rubbish, but the movie was shit. [laughter] So I thought, “Well, that’s what I’ll do to pass the time. “I’ll write screenplays. “I don’t know if I can write any better than this “but it’s scientifically impossible to write anything worse.” So I wrote some screenplays, and they did okay, and we made them into movies, and one of the movies did really well, And this is where you meet your hero thing. There was a movie I did called Saving Grace, and it did very well. Good movie, did well, we won the Sundance Film Festival. It made a little money. And after it had been in the theaters for about a month, I got a phone call from a lovely upper-class Englishwoman, who said, “Hello, my name’s Victoria.” And I was like, ooh, half chub. [laughter] I’ve always had a thing for upper-class Englishwomen They really do it for me. I always enjoy doing to them what their ancestors did to my ancestors… but with more kissing. So this lovely woman said, “Hello, my name’s Victoria. I loved your film Saving Grace.” It was like, “Thank you very much.” She said, “Yes, I run Mick Jagger‘s film company.” Mick Jagger! Yes, it’s true. Mick Jagger, my hero when I was a kid. I had an 8-foot poster of Mick Jagger on my bedroom wall for years, you know, the one where he’s like… Mick Jagger! It was like, “What?” She said, “Yes, Mick loved your film too.” I was like, “Oh, that’s great.” She went, “Yes. “Actually, Mick’s had an idea for a movie, “and he thinks you might be the right person “to write the screenplay. He was wondering, may he call you?” I said… “Yes. Yes, he may call me.” So– This is all true, I swear. So we set the time up, and a couple days later, I’m waiting by the phone. I’m nervous, and I’m kind of– And Mick Jagger called me himself. And that’s not easy for him to do with the little hands, but he did it. And I tried to break the ice with a joke. It was a stupid thing to say, but I said, “Hello, Mick. Victoria tells me you’re a singer.” [laughter] And he kind of went… [groans] I was like, “Oh, I’m blowing it already.” And then he said, “All right, well, I’ve had an idea for a film.” I was like, “Oh, what?” And he went, “Well, here’s my idea, all right?” I was like, “Okay.” “Right.” I think he was doing that. I could sort of hear it. He went, “Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a film, here it is. “What it is, is it’s about a rock star “and a roadie. “And what happens is, for some reason, “they have to swap places, and then they have an adventure.” I was like, “Go on.” And he did. He went on, and he described the story, which as I was listening to it, I realized that he was saying beat for beat, almost word for word, the story of The Prince and the Pauper, written by Mark Twain about 150 years previously. What the f*ck am I gonna say? It’s Mick Jagger, my childhood hero. What am I gonna say? Look, if Sean Connery calls me up and says, “Craig, I’ve got an idea for a film. “It’s called Treasure Island. “It’s about a pirate called Long Sean Connery. He’s got a parrot and shit.” I’d be like, “Great idea, Sean Connery. How did you come up with that?” “Well, I was just watching a movie, and it came to me.” Anyway, so Mick Jagger– This is true. Mick Jagger’s talking about his movie idea, and I pitch a couple of ideas in. And he says–I’m not kidding. This really happened. He goes, “Actually, I think you are the right person “to write the screenplay. “Can you meet me next Wednesday and we’ll get started? “You know, we’ll spitball and get ideas going and stuff and get going.” I was like, “Yes.” He went, “All right. Victoria will set it up,” and he hangs up. Now, this is about 17 years ago. It’s not easy for him to do that either. And it’s about 17 years ago, and The Rolling Stones at the time are on the Bridges to Babylon tour. It’s a big, giant world tour. They’re going all over the place, and I find out, next Wednesday they’re gonna be in Istanbul, Turkey. I can’t go to Istanbul, Turkey. I’ve got to walk onstage in Burbank and say, “Carey, you’re fired,” and then go f*ck a melon. I’ve got a job! [laughter] But I go to see Drew, because Drew Carey was my boss then. He’s my friend now. We’ve been friends for 20 years. He’s a beautiful human being. I love Drew very, very much indeed. To be honest, I preferred it when he was fat and unhappy, but what are you gonna do? So… anyway, I go and see Drew, and Drew’s great. And I tell him about Mick Jagger, and he’s like, “F*ck, are you kidding me, man? “Take the week off. Go to Istanbul, Turkey. Meet Mick Jagger.” I’m like, “Right, buddy, I will.” And just as I’m leaving–and you can check on the Internet to prove it’s true– Joe Walsh, the guitarist with The Eagles, was doing some comedy bits on The Drew Carey Show at the time. And Joe Walsh is an amazing rock star. He’s a fantastic guitarist. ♪ Hotel California ♪ [hums] He’s an amazing guy, charming gentleman, lovely person, but he had a very big 1980s. [laughter] And the whole period has left him a little bit “Jim from Taxi.” [laughter] So Joe hears that I’m gonna meet Mick Jagger, and he says, “Say hi to Mick for me.” I said, “Do you know him?” He said, “I think so.” I was like, “You think so?” He said, “I think I partied with him in the ’80s, but I may just have seen him on TV.” I was like, “All right, whatever.” So I head off to Istanbul, Turkey. It’s a very long way from Los Angeles, Istanbul. First, a 12-hour flight to London, and I’m sitting in coach– it was a long flight. It was bumpy, and the kid’s behind me, “Aah.” And I was all tweaked and nervous. The it’s a 4-hour layover in Heathrow in London. Very difficult to change planes in London because the English are f*cking bastards! And then I get on a smaller plane, a smaller plane to go to Istanbul. It’s another four hours. And the kid’s behind me, and it’s turbulent, and the chickens are falling out of the overhead luggage. Then I get to– I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m tweaked, and I’m nervous, and I’m all kind of– And I get to Istanbul at night, and I come out of the airport, and it’s unbelievable, it’s amazing. The minarets and the towers and the… [chanting] ‘Cause The Lion King was in Istanbul at the time. And I jump in a cab, and the taxi driver says, [Transylvanian accent] “Where do you want to go?” [normal voice] Because Dracula was driving a cab! [laughter] [Transylvanian accent] I want to take you to your destination. [laughs] [normal voice] And I said, “Take me to”– The Rolling Stones were staying, and I’m not kidding– They were staying at the Istanbul Hilton. The good one, not the one by the airport. So… This is all true. So I get to the Istanbul Hilton. I tipped Dracula. He’s like, “Thank you.” And then I go into the reception of the hotel, and Big Jim Sullivan, head of Rolling Stones’ security at the time, lovely, big cockney gent, he’s like, “You the bloke who’s here to see Mick?” I went, “Yeah.” He went, “Yeah, he’s waiting for you. “He’s in the penthouse suite. Go into the elevator, press PH, and it’ll take you up to the penthouse suite.” I was like, “All right, all right.” So I get in the elevator, and I press PH, and the doors close. And I’m like, ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ [sniffs] ♪ Fadoodle do ♪ And the doors open, and I’m on the penthouse floor, and I knock on the door to the penthouse suite, and the door is answered by Mick Jagger himself. And that’s not easy for him to do with the little hands, but he did it. And my world went into freefall. I was like, “Wha– Wha–” Because in my bedroom and in my mind, the guy’s 8 foot tall. He’s a huge giant– 8 foot, ah, like that. I never questioned it. I never thought– I thought he would be at least this height. He’s not. He’s a tiny, little man. Tiny! So I was like, “Aah!” I was like, “Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything! “Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything!” And then I said something. I shouldn’t have said it. I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t help myself. I said it. I wish I hadn’t said it. But I said, “Oh, you’re adorable.” [laughter] And he went, “Yeah, come in. Come on.” So I go into the penthouse suite of the Istanbul Hilton– I swear this is true–and I start talking to Mick Jagger about the movie we’re gonna make together. I’m thinking, “This is really happening. I didn’t take acid. It’s really happening.” And we talked for a little while, and then it got a little awkward, because he said, “Actually, I’m a little bit hungry. Are you hungry, Craig?” I was like, “Yes, I am hungry, Mick Jagger.” He was like, “All right, I’ll call room service, which is not easy for me to do with my little hands.” [laughs] I’m such a dick. I’m sorry. So, you know, he calls room service. Now, the room service guy’s got the little panel in front of him, and the room service guy knows who it is calling. I can hear him freaking out. He’s like… [Indian accent] “Oh, my God, I am so totally freaking out right now.” [normal voice] Now, to be fair, he was an Indian guy that had moved to Istanbul with his boyfriend, Dracula, and they were trying to make their way– Look, it’s a different story for a different night. So Mick’s on the phone, and it got really awkward, ’cause he’s looking at the room service menu, and he said, “Yeah, I’d like to order a”– This is what he said. He said, “I’d like to order a quesa-dilla, please.” And I was like, “Ah–“ [laughter] “Would you like a quesa-dilla, Craig?” I was like, “Quesa-dilla sounds lovely, Mick, thank you.” “All right, two quesa-dillas and a chocolate Yoo-hoo? “Two chocolate Yoo-hoos and a Butterfinger? Oh, just one Butterfinger. All right, we can share.” And he hung up, which is not easy. And then 20 minutes later, the entire staff of the hotel and Dracula came in with the room-service order. They laid it out, and Mick was very nice. He did the photographs and the autographs with them and all that, and they went away, and then I had my quesa-dilla, ’cause that’s what I call them now. I had my– Mick had his. [chomping] [laughter] [chomping] Like that. Like something out of Richard Gere’s ass! [chomps] No, that’s too much. It wasn’t like that at all. I’m sorry I said that. That’s too–Forget that. We’ll cut that out. So… [laughs] So, anyway, we’re having our quesa-dillas, and then we continue to talk about the idea that Mick had that Mark Twain had 150 years before him. And then– and this really happened. After a few hours, he goes, “Oh, we’ll have to stop now.” And I was like, “All right.” And he went, “No, it’s just that I have to go to a party.” I was like, “Okay.” And then he said, “Do you want to come?” And I said, “Yes, Mick Jagger of The f*cking Rolling Stones”… [laughter] “I will go to a party with you.” He went, “All right, then, come on!” So we get in his car, and we drive to the party, Well, someone drives us. Mick can’t drive, you know, with the little hands. So we get to the party. And the party is being held at, I’m not kidding, the British Consulate in Istanbul, The British Embassy in Istanbul, and they’re throwing a reception for The Rolling Stones, ’cause they’re proud of them. And the British Embassy, of course, is guarded by the British Army. And the British Army is the same as any other army in the world. The U.S. Army, French, German, every army in the world shares one rule, which is nobody f*cking tells anybody anything ever, particularly if it would avoid embarrassment. So the soldiers have been told that someone famous is coming to a party. They have not been told who it is. So we get to the party, and I get out of the car first. And the first person to see us is a big staff sergeant from Glasgow in Scotland, and he recognizes me from local television. [cheers and applause] Swear to God. And he says–he says, “Bloody hell. Craig Ferguson, what are you doing here?” And Mick Jagger is standing right f*cking there. And here’s the thing… Mick did not handle it well. He was like, “What’s going on? That is so rude.” And I can understand. I mean, he’s not used to that kind of thing. He’s always the most famous guy in the room, always. If Mick Jagger walks into a bar with the Pope, the bartender would be like, “Hello, Mick. Who’s your friend with the big hat?” He’s always the most famous guy. That band became famous in 1962, the year I was born, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! Actually, that’s probably where he got that, “Ahh.” So he was really mad. He was like, “That is so rude. I’m so annoyed.” [laughter] I was like, “Let it go, man.” He was like, “I will not let it go.” “I will not let it go.” He started Riverdancing. “I will not let it go.” 98% of this story is true. No, he wouldn’t let it go. He was really annoyed. And then I said something I really shouldn’t have said. I was like, “Oh, let it go, man.” He was like, “No, I will not let it go.” I was like, “Stop being such a f*cking queen.” Anyway, we didn’t make the movie. [laughter] But that’s not–I’m kind of painting it like he’s a dick. And he’s not a dick. He’s fine. He’s all right. We actually tried to make the movie for a while. We tried for about a year. I was, you know, working in Burbank, and then I was on tour with The Rolling Stones. It was very strange. And, you know, I would write pages of the script, and I’d give ’em to Mick, and he would read them, and he would always give me them back, and he would always have the same note, which is, “Can it be darker? It has to be darker, you know, more edgy, dark, more edgy.” And I’d try and make it darker and more edgy and give it back to him, and he’d go, “No, darker, more edgy.” I’m like, “How dark and edgy can it be, man? It’s the f*cking Prince and the Pauper.” He was like, “No, darker, more edgy. And I’m typing, and darker, more edgy. Eventually I went to the Mark Twain story, just started typing the f*cker out, you know. This guy’s a better writer than anyone else, anyway. Let’s do this. But he kept saying it– “Darker, more edgy. Darker, more edgy.” So eventually I went too far. I made his character a serial killer with Tourette’s syndrome. [laughter] And he fired me. But even as he’s firing me, I’m thinking, “Getting fired by Mick Jagger… I’m on my way.” But here’s the thing. [applause] Because I was with them for about a year, I got to know how that band works pretty well, and I was surprised by what I found out, ’cause I was– Like everybody else, I think, I thought The Rolling Stones was, you know, it was Mick Jagger and Keith Richards’ band, or maybe it was Mick Jagger’s band, but it’s not. It’s Keith Richards’ band. Keith Richards runs that shit. Mick Jagger is the singer in Keith Richards’ band. People think Keith Richards is some out-of-control junkie. And there’s an element of truth to that, but… But he’s tough, Keith Richards, as well. He’s a very tough guy. He’s south London. He’s like, “What the f*ck? I’ll f*ck you up, all right?” [mumbles] “F*ck you, man.” He’s f*cking tough. He’s like Jason Statham in drag or something. He’s like, “F*cking–” He’s tough, and people are scared of him. And and he runs that outfit. You can check. This is true. This happened when I was there. Keith Richards put Ronnie Wood into rehab. He made Ronnie go into rehab. How bad is your problem, though, if you have to walk into a rehab center and say, “Keith Richards thinks I might be an alcoholic.” Keith Richards said this? “Yeah, he also thinks I do too much heroin.” Keith Richards said this? Quick, get in here, man. But they’re frightened of him. Everyone’s frightened of Keith ’cause he’s so tough. And I found this out, ’cause I was asking Mick– What I wanted to do when I was writing this screenplay is I wanted to get on the stage with The Rolling Stones one night. I was just gonna stand next to Charlie’s drum riser and watch the audience. I thought I could write it in if I could see it. And Mick was like, “Uh, no. No, you can’t go on the stage.” I was like, “Why not?” He was like, “Keith don’t like people on the stage, and I’m afraid of him.” I was like, “What?” He went, “Yeah, he could hurt me. “He’s very strong. And I’m afraid of him.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” So I started asking the roadies if they could sneak me onstage, and all the roadies are like, “No, we can’t sneak you on the stage. No, sorry, mate. “Sorry, governor. No, Mary Poppins, we couldn’t do it. “No, we can’t get you on the stage. “No, we couldn’t do it, sir, because Keith would hurt us. “He’s very strong, you see, sir, very strong. “No, Oliver, you can’t have any more! No! He’s very, very strong. He would kill us.” Everyone who works for The Rolling Stones used to be in Monty Python, so… But eventually one night I made it happen. We were in a beautiful town in northern Spain, a town called Santiago del Compostela– beautiful town, and what I did was I bribed the local Spanish security guards to let me get on the stage. And I was up next to Charlie’s drum riser looking at the 60,000 Spanish rock fans. It was amazing. They’re like… [imitating crowd cheering] Which is how Spanish people express gratitude. They go, “Ahh,” which can be a bit disconcerting if you hold a door open for someone in Madrid, and they go, “Ahh.” Am I right, guy from Portugal? Yeah! [Transylvanian accent] You know, he’s right about, “Ahh.” So I was next to Charlie’s drum riser, and Charlie doesn’t know I’m there. To be honest, Charlie doesn’t really know he’s there. Charlie had a big 1980s as well and ’60s and ’70s and ’90s and kind of now. So Charlie’s doing his thing that he always does. He’s like… [laughter] ♪ Gas, gas, gas ♪ He’s doing his thing, and Mick is down in the front. He’s going… [humming] And Keith’s where he always is. Keith’s doing his thing. He’s like… [grumbles] ♪ Ooh, I’ll f*ck you up ♪ [humming] And he’s smoking a cigarette, and the smoke is coming up like that. And he’s got cigarette on the machine heads of his guitar and the smoke’s coming up like that. He’s got a cigarette coming out of his boot, and the smoke’s coming out like that. He’s wearing a skull earring and the skull is smoking a cigarette. Smoke is all around him. He looks like Pigpen. He’s like… [growls] And he’s playing away, and he turns around, and, boom, he looks right at me and locks eyes, and I’m like, “Shit. I’m gonna die.” And he doesn’t break eye contact. He doesn’t stop playing, but he starts slowly moving towards me. [humming] And I can hear the roadies on their headsets going, “What the f*ck is going on? Keith is moving! “Keith is moving! Keith hasn’t moved in 40 years! What the f*ck is going on?” And he’s getting closer and closer, slowly across the stage. He’s like… [hums] He’s like a slow comet moving. And he got right up close to me, and I thought, “I’m gonna die.” And he got this close, and this is exactly what happened. He went, “Hello, mate.” [laughter] So I went back in time to my bedroom in Scotland when I was a little boy, I took down the poster of Mick Jagger. I put up the poster of Keith Richards, and I went, “That’s the f*cking rock star in that band.” [cheers and applause] It changed my Weltanschauung. Anyway, the thing that’s freaking me out about all this– Now, ’cause you really know it’s Keith’s band. I mean, I traveled around in their jet. They have a jet, but it’s– Of course they have a jet, but it’s not like a little private jet. They rent a 757 from the airlines. And you can tell it’s Keith’s band, because Keith and all his friends sit in first class, and Mick has to sit in coach. And I know that’s true, ’cause I was sitting next to him. And he likes to pretend it’s his idea. He’s like, “Yeah, I like sitting here because I can reach “the table and the seat-back in front of me… “And enjoy…” “Well, these are very good sizes, “these bottles, aren’t they? “This is a proper size. I don’t like these big, giant bottles. “They frighten me, but these bottles are just perfect for my little hands and my tiny, little mouth.” [laughter] What’s freaking me out is, I thought, “God, these guys are so old.” But now I am almost the age that they were when I met them. I’m like, “What the f*ck happened?” One minute it’s… ♪ F*ck the queen, f*ck you to the queen ♪ Next minute, some guy has a finger in your ass. A doctor. A doctor has his finger in your ass. I like my doctor. He’s a very good doctor. He’s only got one flaw, in that he thinks he’s funny, which is not great. I enjoy a joke as much as anyone, but there are times in life when I believe levity is inappropriate. And I believe the prostate exam is one of those times. ‘Cause he’s got a joke that he likes to do when he’s doing it. I’m like, “Don’t do that joke. It’s a horrible joke.” He’s like, “No, it’s a great joke. Everybody loves that joke.” I’m like, “Nobody likes the joke. They put up with it because you’re a great doctor.” He’s like, “Come on!” This is his joke. He gives you the prostate exam, and he says, “Say my name, bitch.” I’m like, “It’s not funny, man.” I don’t think that’s funny. And I said to him last time I got the exam, I was like, “Don’t say it, all right? It kind of freaks me out.” He’s like, “Okay, I don’t need to say it.” But I think he does need to say it. I think it’s a kind of OCD thing, ’cause he gave me the exam, and he went… [whispering] “Say my name, bitch.” I’m like, “You know what? It’s worse if you whisper it!” Anyway, it’s not the prostate exam that makes you old. It’s your attitude to it. This is what I mean. Like, the last time I got the prostate exam, he finished, and he said, “Actually, I have to say, Craig, for a man your age, you have a very smooth prostate.” And this is how I know I’m old, because I was proud. I was, like, going up to girls in the supermarket, “Hey.” “I’ve got a smooth prostate. Want to touch it?” I do have a very smooth prostate, though. It’s true, you part my butt cheeks, you’ll hear Kenny G. [laughter] ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ No, when you turn 50, it’s not a finger anymore, it’s a camera. They put a camera in your ass. I think the older you get, the more things the medical profession feels they have to shove into your ass. Like, when you get to about 80, they’re like, “We’re just gonna drive up in a little minivan, “take a look around. “Don’t worry. It’ll be perfectly painless. “It’s gonna be midgets, midgets will be inside the van, “and they’re gonna look around with binoculars, tiny, little binoculars.” No, they put a camera in your ass. I mean, it’s a tiny, little fiber-optic thing. It’s not like the old days, you know, with the… Look out, Hitler, bad news coming your way. No, it’s a tiny, tiny, little camera. Tiny, little camera. But it’s kind of like– It’s not the camera so much as the night before, because in order for them to look around your colon, they have to clean it out first. So they give you what they call the super laxative, right? Yeah. It’s not that super. This is a prescription laxative. You can’t just go and buy this laxative. You need a–And it’s not just a regular prescription either. It’s a prescription written on a parchment by a monk. It’s written with a big, feathery pen. And then he writes it, and then the prescription is delivered to the pharmacy by owl. And then the pharmacist puts on the big leather gloves and goes to the back and opens the giant circular door and the dry ice goes like that, and they take out the super laxative and they bring it towards you. I was sitting with this laxative on the kitchen table, and my wife and kids are watching me, going, “Go on, then.” “When’s daddy gonna ‘splode’?” And I took this thing, and after about 45 minutes, I was like, “Oh, shit! “F*ck. “F*ck. “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f…” “F*ck.” And then it stopped, and I thought, “Well, that wasn’t so bad. It was bad, but it wasn’t that bad.” Then at one hour, 15, I was like… [gasps] “Aah!” It was like the f*cking Matrix. I was like… Ba-boom. No! [imitates whooshing] It was like a mattress sale– Everything must go! Aah! Aah! There was haggis in there from 1974! Aah! And then everything went white, and I saw the spirit of the great buffalo coming toward me. Then I was back in it again. Aah! [imitates whoosh] And then it was over, and I felt so clean. I felt holy! And I knew then that the biscuit does turn into Jesus! [cheers and applause] And then I went to the doctor the next day, and they put a camera in your bumby, but it’s not– It’s an amazing piece of equipment. It’s not just a camera. It’s a little thing. They move it around, and in order for it to move around your bumby, you know, they have to puff up your colon with a little air, so it’s goes… [imitating air hissing] And they move it, and it goes… They move it… [imitating air hissing] Depending on the shape of your colon, you know. I mean, it could be… [imitating air hissing] But the thing is, when they’re finished and they take the camera out, there’s a great deal of air left in your colon. And it’s gonna come out, and there’s only one exit. [laughter] But here’s the thing, it’s so clean in there, you pass gas, it smells sensational. I mean, it’s like a rich lady walked into the room. It was like… [imitates flatulence] Oprah? Is Oprah here? And then because there’s a history of some cancers in my family, they had to actually knock me out and give me the throat camera first and then the bumby camera. I f*cking hope they did the throat camera first. [laughter] Nah, I think, legally, they have to give you the throat camera first. Otherwise you’d be like… “I taste Oprah.” [laughter] No, here, look, that’s… But the thing is, because they gave me this thing– I don’t want to, you know, upset anyone, and I don’t want to surprise you, but I took a lot of drugs in my life. But until this point, I had never taken legal drugs. I’d always had illegal street drugs. Legal drugs are so much better. Like, it’s not even the same game. They’re f*cking unbelievable. Respect, seniors. It’s unbelievable. They’re much better. They gave me a drug called propofol. It’s an amazing drug. It was the drug that killed poor Michael Jackson. God rest him. He got addicted to it. And, you know, I can understand. I can see how that would happen. I mean, I had it once, once, and I was like… ♪ He he ♪ And coming off–When you come off a street drug, you know, it’s kind of like being Daffy Duck in the cartoons. You’re like… [babbling] So scratchy, so scratchy. Like something out of Richard Gere’s–Never mind. Look, it’s… But coming off a legal drug is like, “Hey… how are you?” I was so high. I was in this little post-op room, and I was in there, and I remember saying this. My wife came in, and I remember saying– I was just so high, I said, “Hey, baby. It’s the summer of love.” And my wife’s from a Scottish family, so she said what a Scottish woman says when you tell her it’s the summer of love. She said, “Oh, is it?” “Will he need a footbag, Doctor?” [laughter] I was like, “Oh, I feel so… [imitates flatulence] “You smell that, baby? “Isn’t that beautiful? That’s the way it’s gonna be from now on.” “You’re gonna beg me for a Dutch oven now, baby.” [laughter] And when you are that high, like, so high, they come in and show you a movie of the inside of your ass, which is the perfect time to see a movie of the inside of your ass. I was like, “Oh, yes!” And because I got mine done in Hollywood, it was, you know, letterbox format, score by Danny Elfman, surprise cameo by Gwyneth Paltrow. [laughter] I was like, “Oh! “We should totally play Dark Side of the Moon “while we’re watching this. It would sync up, man. It would sync up.” ♪ In through your ass ♪ [humming Pink Floyd’s Money] ♪ It’s a gas ♪ Ha ha! Ooh, f*ck, I never told you the joke. All right, here’s the joke. The best joke in the world, apparently. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s that good a joke. You’ll decide. I don’t think it’s that great. It’s a joke which takes place on a golf course. I’ve recently started playing golf, which is unusual for a 52-year-old Scotsman. Usually, they start earlier, but it’s how I rebelled when I was a kid. They were all playing golf all the time. This is how they play it in Scotland. They played golf all the time, at home, at work, during sex. There’s no sex in Scotland. It’s a shame, because Scottish women are very attractive. At least I think they are. I’ve never seen one with her coat off. [laughter] Nothing here for you, Craig. Just tweed all the way down. [laughter] Tweed and potatoes. Tweed, potatoes, and a footbag. I kind of turned myself on a little bit there. Anyway, so it takes place on a golf course. It’s actually Scottish people in the joke. Well, look, here’s the joke. It’s on the 18th hole of a golf course. It’s a grudge match between two guys who just hate each other very– and it’s a putt for the game on the 18th hole, very tense moment. And the guy’s about to take the putt, and he looks up, and he sees a funeral procession going by. So he stops what he’s doing, takes off his hat, and says a prayer for the dearly departed. And his opponent says, “I have to say, that is one of the most beautiful and touching things I’ve ever seen.” And he says, “Well, we were married 35 years. I feel it’s only right.” [cheers and applause] And there you are. That’s it. The best joke in the world. [cheers and applause] Thank you so much, New York. I love you. I’ll see you next time. I’ll bring my sign. Thanks a lot. Good night, everybody. [cheers and applause] [bagpipe music] ♪ ♪ [upbeat rock music] ♪ ♪ (boy) Good one, Daddy!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Larry the Cable Guy – Remain Seated (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/larry-the-cable-guy-remain-seated-transcript/

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Larry, The Cable Guy! [crowd cheer and applaud] All right. Thank you. Please remain seated. Do not rush the stage. Thank you. Well, this is awesome.! Who cancelled? Thank you so much… for having me. This is a good-looking crowd. I’ll tell you what. Right now, Cracker Barrel’s wondering where all the regulars are, right? Look at this. This is good-looking! Well, good to be in Joliet! That’s right. [crowd cheer and applaud] I bet that’s the first time you ever heard that. [all laughing] I’m only kidding. Hey, I’m glad– Hey, look, I gave up a colonoscopy to be here, all right? So… This is a big deal for me, too, so thank you for coming. Daggum good-looking folks in Illinois. I’ll tell you that much. I love you, which begs the question, “What state are you from?” [all laughing] I’m only serious. All right, anyway. No, I’ll see you at the house. God bless you. Thank you. We’re gonna have fun tonight, I tell you. I’d done a show last night, and the folks that didn’t walk out on me really enjoyed it, so, uh… I always like to picture everybody naked when I first come out. You know, I’m not nervous or nothing. I’m just a pervert, so… [all laughing] Daggum, you need to put your clothes back on right here. -Aah, what is that? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] You should picture me without clothes on. Then you’d be laughing so hard, I wouldn’t have to tell any jokes up here. Sorry about my outfit. I just come from a wedding, so I apologize for that, but… It was a weird wedding, too. They had the father-daughter dance. They ended up leaving together. [all laughing] All right, one more joke like that, I’m getting the hell out of here, all right, ’cause th-that’s uncalled for, right there. I guess I should do this. Git-R-Done! [all cheering] That’s right, Git-R-Done! You know, the first phrase– That wasn’t my original phrase. The first one I’d come up with was “Yipper-dipper-ripper-scripper!” [crowd chuckles] I know, right? It wouldn’t fit on a hat, plus, I don’t know what the hell it means! All right? No idea. I was going to, uh, work out, this morning, but, I, uh– I woke up with a sweat, so I figured I already had done there, so, uh… [crowd laughing] Almost didn’t make it here tonight. Uh… I hate flying in airplanes. I had to fly to meet my bus, and I hate flying them daggum airplanes, and the daggum airport wouldn’t let me bring my emotional support stripper with me on the airplane. [all laughing] I ain’t kidding. When that plane gets a-goin’ like that, if I can’t motorboat a pair of titties, I’m in trouble. [all laughing] All right? It was so windy where I live one time, I lost my hat, two cigars, and my neighbor’s house. Lost his house, ’cause one of my cigars blowed in his trailer and burned his house down, all right? So let’s keep that to ourselves. It got out of control, too, it burnt down Cheryl’s she-shed. [all laughing] All right? That’s right. Now you know the whole story right there. You know the whole story. Tonight’s a special night for me. Tonight is the 10-year anniversary when my hometown gave me the keys to the city and had a little parade for me. -So, uh, thank you so much. [applause] Thank you. Remain seated. Thank you. And tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary, again, when they, uh, changed all the locks in the city, all right? Well, it’s cold wintertime again. Do you like the winter? [crowd moaning] I hate it. I like summer better than winter. That winter kills me. My weenie’s been an innie for the last five days in here. Can’t– I ain’t kiddin’. I could flash a cop and not get in any trouble right now. It snowed the other day. I can only pee my initials in the snow, all right? But my upper body loves cold weather. My lower body can’t handle it. I wish they’d get together on the weather. It gets cold out… [clicks tongue] You could play “This Little Piggy” on my daggum nipples. He hates you, but they love– These little piggies went to market! Yeah, well, that little hog stayed home, all right? I guarantee you that. It’s cold everywhere. I was in Los Angeles, California. It’s so cold, I’d seen a junkie with his tongue stuck to the spoon, all right? My wife’s from Wisconsin. You think you guys get cold? Go to Wisconsin. Holy smokes. We was up there Thanksgiving. You know how cold it was up there? How cold was it?! That sucked! -Um… [all laughing] It was so cold in Wisconsin, the ice cream machine at McDonald’s was working. [all laughing] Now, I like hot weather. I like when it’s hot and humid. I love that. I lived in Florida for a long time. I love hot and humid. It was so hot down there one time, I seen a squirrel putting talcum powder on his nuts. [all laughing] Now, I don’t like it when it’s hot and humid and I gotta wear blue jeans everywhere. Holy mackerel, walking like this. Uh, we could film four episodes of Swamp People in my pants, all right? It was bad. I went in for a physical, dropped my underbritches, three mushrooms fell out. All right? [all laughing] I ain’t kiddin’! That explains why I kept getting followed by that truffle pig right there. I knew that much. I was two days away from them declaring my crotch a wetland area. [crowd chuckling] But they try to scare everybody now with the heat, don’t they? Try to scare you, make it hotter than it is. When I was growing up, 99 degrees was 99 degrees. Now it’s 99 degrees out, but the feels like temperature’s 103. It feels like? Who come up with that? A fisherman? The “feels like” temperature? Stupid! You know what? My wiener’s three inches, but it feels like nine! [all laughing and clapping] It’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous. Well, my wife sent me up to the grocery store all by myself the other day to get some feminine products. You know. Celery, carrots, lettuce. [all laughing] Heh! I had to buy some chewing tobacco so I don’t look like a pajama boy sissy in there. Anybody chew tobacco? [man] Yeah! That guy. Ma’am, you. All right, perfect. That’s good. I like chewing tobacco, but I only do it ’cause it keeps you from eating sugar and eating bad food late at night, so… you can see that’s working out real good for me right now. That’s– Now I’m fat, and I got bad teeth! What the hell? I hate that grocery store self-checkout. What in the world? All the enjoyment of working at the store without the satisfaction of getting a paycheck. That’s always nice. You like self-checkout? I hate it. Every time I go in there, I get stuck behind some idiot trying to find a bar code on a cucumber in there. [crowd chuckling] You ever done this? You ever buy a Kit Kat bar? You got like 12 items, you got a Kit Kat bar, and then they look at you and go, “You gonna take that, or you want that in a bag?” That’s when you know you’re a fat-ass right there, all right? I know. They pissed me off last week. They done that with potato salad I had in there. I know! And they put a napkin and a fork on the daggum thing for me! [blows raspberry] Excuse me. Have you, uh… Have you ever seen somebody at the grocery store– You ever seen a fella in there staring at a head of cabbage? I was up there one time. I seen a dude all by himself staring at a head of cabbage. I got a theory about that. That guy’s wife sent him up there to get a head of lettuce. [all chuckling] All cabbage ought to come with a label on it that says, “This is not what your wife wants you to buy.” Three days before Thanksgiving, my wife sends me up to the grocery store to get some yams. 45 daggum minutes, I’m looking for yams. I can’t find a daggum yam. I come home. I said, “They ain’t got no yams up there.” She goes, “You mean to tell me three days before Thanksgiving, they don’t got no sweet potatoes at the grocery store?” [crowd chuckling] “I’ll be right back.” [crowd cheering] Yeah. Christmas is my favorite time of year, it goes too quick. But, you know, at our house, we celebrate Christmas every day, and I’ll tell you why. Two reasons. Number one, we love the Lord Jesus. He was born on Christmas Day. -That’s why we celebrate it. And, uh… [crowd cheering] Number two, my sister looks like Burl Ives. [all laughing] I don’t eat good at Christmas, I’ll tell you that much. I got a Fitbit on Christmas Eve, I put it on, it dialed 911. [all laughing] You know what killed me at Christmas last year foodwise? The Kentucky Fried Chicken 12 day Advent Calendar. Holy smokes! Them five golden wings had me turtle-doving all the way to the bathroom. I guarantee you. I ain’t kidding. I could have dropped my pants and dropped a partridge out of a pear tree right there, I guarantee you. Every time I start getting a little too fat at Christmas, so my kids will buy me a Christmas gift to hint around that I’m too fat. You know what they got me last year? A petri dish with flesh-eating bacteria. [all laughing] We run our kids up to the Walmart last year to see the Christmas Village up there. We wasn’t there more than 10 minutes. Somebody was already running a meth lab out of the gingerbread house. [all laughing] The hell? I mean, I love shopping at Walmart, but daggum, that’s like a meth maker’s paradise in there, ain’t it? [chuckles] Walmart’s the only store in the world you can go and see somebody buying 16 boxes of cough syrup and some garden hose, nobody thinks that’s weird. [all laughing] You ever shopped at Walmart after midnight? Holy smokes! Ho, they ought to charge a cover charge in there after midnight. Daggum, it’s like a casting call for Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in that place. If you’ve never been to the circus, go to Walmart after midnight. You’re bound to see a couple of bearded women, a toothless wonder, and the fattest man in the world on a scooter up there. They got good deals after midnight, though. Last time I was up there after midnight, 75% off self-esteem. [all chuckling] That’s right. I walked in there like this. I walked out like this. I was like this. Oh. [audience cheering] That’s right. You can get everything at Walmart. Except good customer service. Holy smokes! Here’s my impression of the hiring practices at Walmart. Let me ask you this. Have you ever cared about anything in your entire life? [all laughing] [sighs] No? All right. You start Tuesday, all right? [chuckles] We’ll put you in the DVD department. My wife wanted to go to Walmart. She’s trying to find the cheapest mop, she could get for something she was doing, so we go to Walmart and get a mop, $4.95. Go up there to pay for the mop, and the lady goes, “You wanna buy the protection on this?” [all chuckling] You know what? I think we’re gonna risk it this time, all right? Got a 95% chance we’re gonna throw that away when we’re done with it, anyways. At our Super Walmart, you can get your hair cut. They got everything! My buddy got his haircut at Walmart. $20 for a haircut. Actually, $5 for a haircut, $15 for the hat you gotta wear the next three weeks, all right? Got a doctor’s office up at the Walmart. Holy smokes! People going in there. I was there the other day. They gave a guy three minutes to live in there. And he ended up getting hired as a door greeter once he walked out that door. [all laughing] [chuckles] I had to go get a flu shot one time. I didn’t wanna go to the doctor, and my wife goes, “Well, shoot! Run up to Walmart. They’re giving flu shots!” Are you kiddin’ me? I ain’t gettin’ a flu shot at Walmart! Daggum. Normally I gotta get vaccinated before I go in there! [all laughing] Get a flu shot at Walmart! The flu’s the last thing I’m worried about at Walmart, all right? Daggum, they probably got Ebola behind a box in there somewhere I didn’t know about. I was up there one time. There’s a dude up front in a hazmat suit! I’m like, “Is it safe to go in there?” He goes, “Yeah, why?” I go, “You’re in a hazmat suit!” He goes, “No, I work here. I’m collecting the carts.” [all laughing] So every time I go up my local Walmart, I’m friends with a lot of folks up there, but every time I go up there, I see Doug. I always wave to Doug. I walk in, “What’s up, Doug?” Doug kinda, “Hey.” You know, every time, “Hey, Doug!” Let me ask you something. Have you ever called somebody the wrong name for about five years? [all laughing] [laughing] They don’t even acknowledge you’re calling ’em the wrong name? They just make you look like a douche bag for five years. Well, I finally got to talking to Doug three days ago. Her name’s Denise. [all laughing and applauding] [chuckles] So my buddy rented out– He wanted to save money on his wedding. He rented out a Walmart, got married at a Walmart. It was unbelievable. Got married in the jewelry department, and we had the reception in the deli over there, and… we all got our pictures took in the photo booth, and then we left, and they had their honeymoon in the men’s room. It was unbelievable, and there’s– It was a wedding made in China. Let me ask you this. Have you ever gotten a wedding invitation from somebody that you barely know? What the hell? It’s like gettin’ a bill in the mail. I hate weddings. I was in one a while back, holy smokes! I ain’t saying the bride was overweight, but whoo! My buddy caught the garter belt. He’s still been using it to tie up cordwood on his pickup truck, all right? Boy, these were some– You should have seen the bridesmaids! Their corsages was personal pan pizzas, all right? [crowd laughing] I ain’t kiddin’ with you. They all went to school together. They was in the same sorority, so they had their sorority shirts on, you know, “Thelma Eda Tater.” My uncle just got married, 72 years old. My golly. He run out of Viagra on the honeymoon. So he ended up having to use a can of Fix-a-Flat. [all laughing] I know. To make a long story short, he overinflated, and, uh… spent the rest of the night at Jiffy Lube having to get a patch put on him down there. Hey, this is crazy. True story. Check this out. My mother-in-law, last month, won $400 in a hot-dog-eating contest. It’s unbelievable, $400! 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes, she ate. I couldn’t believe it! [scoffs] My mother-in-law not talking for 10 minutes! [all laughing] [applause] I know. Oh, she talks. I know! She can talk. She’s the only woman at the beach getting melanoma on her tongue, all right? I guarantee you. I’m not a big gambler. My– My grandma, holy mackerel. I’m not saying she’s addicted to Blackjack, but she’s got a medical alert bracelet on that says, “In case of emergencies, split the kings.” [all laughing] My wife likes to go with me when I go to Las Vegas, ’cause she likes to go see the Chippendales. Yeah. You know why she likes going to the Chippendales? Why, Larry? She didn’t marry very good. [all laughing] She married a chunkendale. [all laughing] She gives me money to put my clothes back on’s what she does. I like going out there to Las Vegas. That’s where you see all the 1970s-80s classic rock bands singing out there, you know? I like them bands. [cheering] Yeah, the only difference between seeing them bands now and 30 years ago, 30 years ago, go backstage, smell that pot everywhere, and now it smells like pot and Bengay, you go back of them things. They all still got long hair, too, Ain’t that somethin’? Unfortunately, it’s coming out their nose and ears on most of them fellas in there. Here’s one thing you never wanna hear a classic rock band say when you go to the concert. “Here’s one off our new album.” “Honey, let’s go get a beer. Nobody wants to hear that bullshit.” [audience laughing and clapping] No, sir! I went to see Molly Hatchet, and that was awesome right there. I like old Molly Hatchet. You know what was cool about it? After the concert was over, true story, I got to go in the lobby and take a picture with all the cardboard cutouts of the original members. [all laughing] I like going to the buffets out there, to casino buffets. They delicious. You ever been to the all-you-can-eat pasta buffet at the casino? Holy smokes! That’s the day I got red-flagged by the Plumbers Union right there, I’ll you what? Whoo! I had to keep a hard hat by the toilet for three weeks after I went in there. You ever use all the paper and have to end up finishing with the tube? Have you ever done that at all, anybody? I haven’t done it. I’m asking if you’ve had to do that! I ain’t done that! [crowd chuckling] We got a winner right here. We got a winner. [cheering and applaud] [chuckles] People got no manners at them daggum buffets. There was a guy actually sitting at the buffet! Pissed me off. I walk up there, “You know, you ain’t supposed to stick your face right in the dag–” [grunts] I felt bad he was in a wheelchair. Oh, man. Believe me, I felt bad. Not as bad as I felt, though, when I pushed him out of the way, I’ll tell you that much. “Get out of the way, roller boy.” I’m about to make some bad decisions right here.” [chuckles] I love that Golden Corral, that’s a good restaurant right there. Oh, that is good in there. They ought to have a scoring system at Golden Corral like they do in bowling, you know? Walk in there to eat, they put your name up on the TV screen and show everybody how much food you ate after 10 trips to the buffet. You can pick teams and compete with other fat folks in there, and that’d be something. “Hey, sweetheart, where’s my stretch pants?” It’s League Night at Golden Corral tonight.” I’d seen a couple get engaged at the Golden Corral. Hey, fellas, here’s a tip. If you’re gonna ask your girl to marry you at a Golden Corral, get down on two knees and do it, so she can’t kick you in the nuts. [all laughing] [clapping] I was down in Branson. They got stuff down there, buffets, holy smokes. They got an international buffet in Branson. It is crazy. They got food all the way from Memphis. Got a double-decker buffet. They got a double decker. One of the world’s largest buffets, double decker, spiral staircase. All right, that’s just what all us fat folks have been clamoring for out there, a buffet with a staircase. Oh, damn! I’m gonna get some more of them doughnut holes. “They’re upstairs.” You know what? I’m all right, I guess. I’ll be all right. I’ll stay down here, get some meatballs, put some powdered sugar on them. That’s what I’d do right there. Lot of old folks down there in Branson riding them scooters down there. I find that crazy. These folks have lost their driver’s license two decades ago, but they’re gonna go ahead and let them have motorized vehicles in a room full of pedestrians at the buffets down there. Trying to get food, they’re zipping by like it’s a drive-through. [blows raspberry] I went up to get some potato salad. It was like I was in a live Frogger game all of a sudden. You go like that. What the hell? [screams] I finally got hit head-on by some old dude trying to text and drive. He’s trying to send a crotch shot to Tinder, apparently. I was, uh… at a restaurant one time. You ever been to these restaurants, and you go to the bathroom? It can be any restaurant that you go to the bathroom, and then go take a leak in there, and they got a sign that says, “All employees must wash hands.” That scares the hell out of me right there. They need a sign to tell these folks to wash their hands? I mean, what the hell? Makes me wonder what kind of sign they got back in the kitchen we can’t see back there! Don’t snot in the coleslaw. [all laughing] Don’t drip your scrotum in the salsa. [crowd screaming in laughter] [chuckles] I know. Hey, that actually happened one time. That’s a true story. You remember that story? A waiter was mad at a customer, dipped his scrotum in the salsa! [groans] That’s why I always order the hot cheese dip. -[all laughing] -Yeah. [chuckles] That’s right. Most of your waiters aren’t that dedicated, all right? We live in a great country, though. I’ll tell you what? These people bitch about our country. This is an awesome country. We got– You realize there’s a buffet on every street corner in this country? Other people starving. You ever see that starving kid commercial? For eight cents a day, you can feed a starving child– Eight cents a day? Daggum, you can’t keep a gerbil alive for eight cents a day! Daggum, I go through 270 bucks a day, and I’m on a diet. [all laughing] Reading an article in the paper the other day, and… fella jumped off some mountain with one of them kites, Batman kites, and it didn’t work, and he slammed into something. It killed him, and it said, “Diver dies ’cause of freak accident.” Freak acc– That ain’t a freak accident! Y-You jumped off a building with a kite on your back! That’s a dumbass accident, is what that is. A freak accident? Ain’t no freak ac– I’ll tell you what a freak accident is. You’re down there at the local, you know, stop-and-shop down there and getting gas, and unbeknownst to you, there’s two clowns in a knife fight, and one of them falls and stabs you in the face. That’s a freak accident right there, all right? [laughter and applause] [crowd cheering] Yeah, buddy! Read another article one time. This is why I don’t like polls. I see an article. They said they polled in Washington, D.C. They polled 2,500 women, said, “Now that Bill Clinton’s way older, would you sleep with Bill Clinton?” Unbelievable! 94% said, “Not again!” [all laughing] Thank you. Good night. Thank you so much! Good night. Thank you. All right, I’ll stay. I’ll stay. All right, you convinced me. I’m gonna hang out for a while. Remain seated. Stupid polls. “Well, the polls indicate–” I ain’t ever been polled. You ever been polled? I haven’t been polled. Been polled? Been polled? Been polled? There’s only one poll I ever trusted. That’s the polls I do at my shows. And I’d done one last night, and I believe this. I polled all my audience last night. 87% of them said at this point in time during my show, they want their money back. [all laughing] [woman] No! I’ve been, uh– Well, you’s one of the 13%. [all laughing] 87-13, yeah! 13% right there! Yeah! Right? I know my daggum math! [crowd cheering] [laughing] You know, I work a lot of fairs. I love working fairs. It’s awesome, ’cause I grew up in fairs! And I love fairs– What has happened to the clientele at the fairs lately, though? Holy smokes. I was up there the other day. There’s a dude walking like he’s bleeding from the nose, you know, walking like he’s got a daggum fart stuck sideways, heading down that thing down there. Looked like a Greyhound bus overturned. He came walking in, trying to get help or something. I mean, it’s unbelievable at these fairs. By the way, anybody ever ride a Greyhound bus? I used to ride them back in the early days of comedy, holy smokes! Only thing slower than a Greyhound bus is the people on the daggum bus. They’re a good value, though. I went from Sanford, Florida, all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska, one time, $49. Oh, man! 119 days! -[all laughing] -[sighs] Holy smokes! And the big selling point at the time was, “Now with more leg room.” What they needed was more head room so I could have hung myself halfway through the trip! [man] Git-R-Done! -Git-R-Done. So I won one of ’em big stuffed animals one time at the fair, which I hated, ’cause I had to carry it around the whole time. And I win something, and the guy goes, “What do you want?” and I said, “Well, give me that goofy-lookin’ minion right there, that little minion.” He says, “What?” I said, “That goofy lookin’ minion with the purple hat right there!” He goes, “That’s the manager!” [all laughing] You ever ride the rides at the fair? They scare the heck out of me. My little boy goes, “Daddy, can we ride the roller coaster?” “We ain’t ridin’ a roller– You do realize, son, they put that up in an hour in a parking lot, all right?” Probably got a bunch of parts left over on that daggum thing. “Remember last Christmas when I got you that bicycle and put it together “in 50 minutes, and you got on it, the wheels fell off, “and you racked your nuts, remember that whole day right there?” That’s gonna happen to you on that rollercoaster right there.” He’s like, “Come on, Daddy!” “No, we’re not doing it. That’s it!” So we’re on the roller coaster there, and, uh… Ugh! I was so mad. I almost puked on that thing. It went upside down. [groans] I get done, I go, “You didn’t tell me it went upside down.” The guy running it goes, “It’s not supposed to.” [all laughing] How about that Ferris wheel? You like that Ferris wheel? [sighs] Me, either! Oh, yeah, the Ferris wheel, that’s a lot of fun, isn’t it? Yeah. Nothing I like better in the whole world than being completely bored and terrified at the same time. [chuckles] Which, by the way, is the same thing my wife told me on our honeymoon right there, all right? [chuckles] You ever get stuck on the Ferris wheel? Oh, man! I was up there with my kids. We was stuck. They was crying, freaking out. Trying to calm ’em down. “Don’t worry, kids. We’ll be all right.” “I’m sure that guy running it with seven fingers and a pentagram tattoo, all right, “I’m sure, I’m sure he’ll have us down in no time here.” “Soon as he’s done smoking that joint, I’m sure we’ll be right down out of this deal.” Anybody ever been to the fair on Senior Day? [all chuckling] I went on Senior Day. Most popular ride on Senior Day is the ambulance on the way out of the fair. Daggum, there’s one leaving the scrambler every two minutes in there. Best part about Senior Day, though, it only lasts from 3:30 to 5:00, so that’s a good thing. They got special prizes on Senior Day. I saw an old guy bust a balloon with a dart, and he won a pair of Depends with a picture of Def Leppard on it right there. The food’s different on Senior Day. The fried foods. Anybody ever have fried Lipitor? [all laughing] They got a guy that guesses your weight at the fair. They need somebody to guess your cholesterol level in there. I had a buddy of mine used to do that. He used to try to guess people’s weight at the fair. I went with him one time, and… this girl come up there. She goes, “What do you do?” He goes, “I guess people’s weight.” She goes, “How do you win?” I mean, she was a looker. You could tell. [crowd laughing] He goes, “Well, I guess your weight, and then you get on a scale.” if I’m five pounds either way, I win, you lose.” She goes, “I’m gonna do it.” He’s like, “All right. Uh, oof.” “317.” [crowd laughing] She gets on there, “Ha ha, you lose! 345!” I’m like, “He loses? Are you kiddin’ me?” “I got John Deere attachments that weigh less than you do right now.” “Congratulations. You’re blimp worthy.” [all laughing] But you can gain weight at the fair. It’s all fried, heavy– You like the– You ever eat the corn dogs at the fair? [audience clapping] Oh, yeah! -Oh, I love ’em! Holy smokes! Have you seen the size of the fair corn dogs? Holy smokes! I’m not saying they’re big, but I was eating one at the rodeo, and the horse come by and winked at me. -[crowd laughter and applaud] -[sighs] -[laughs] [man wolf-whistles] They’re good value, though. They’re only a dollar. But what they don’t tell you, it’s another $75 for ’em to come out to your house and snake your toilet, all right? They neglect to tell you that. I’ll tell you what I really hate at the fairs. The Porta Potties they got lined up there. Oh, what a disgusting, wretched stuff that is. They ought to have a midway game where you can win scented candles and fly swatters, you know what I mean? I don’t go in ’em anymore. Uh-uh! I was in a Porta Potty five months ago, and, no lie, my eyebrows just grew back last Tuesday, all right? I don’t go in them Porta Potties. When I’m at the fair, I take a plastic bag, and I pee in a ziplock plastic bag. That’s what I do. My wife’s like, “Put that away. You’re embarrassing me!” “What do you mean embarrassed? You ought to walk proudly.” It looks like I won you a goldfish over there!” The fish right there. [laughing] It’s catching on, too. My buddy walked by. “Hey, Larry, look! I’m doin’ it, too! Look at that!” I’m like, “I told you that– Uh-uh, you’re not supposed to poop in it!” “What are you doing?” Get it out of here! Get it out of here!” You ever see what some folks wear at the fair? It’s almost they ain’t got a mirror at the house. I’d seen a guy, about 326 pounds, wearing Lululemon shorts. What in the world? He bent down to pick something up, I could see his Lulu and his lemons, all right? -Daggum… [all laughing] “Get up. You’re scaring my kids. This is ridiculous.” Couple of years ago, my grandma, uh, playing bingo at the fair… won her a spa package. But to be honest, I think they gave her the wrong package. Uh, she said that she was able to tolerate the Botox… but during the Brazilian wax, she farted and blinded the attendant. [audience laughs] [scattered applause] [sighs] Lord, I apologize for that right there, and be with the starving pygmies down in New Guinea. Amen. -[mouthing] Listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. [audience cheering] [audience applauds] I saw my grandma topless… two weeks ago. [sighs] That’s the last time I let her drink before a concert, I’ll tell you that much. Daggum! It was embarrassing. It was windy out, so her boobies was flying around like one of them inflatable wind dancers in front of an oil change shop. -You know what I mean? [audience laughing] It was horrible. The Oak Ridge Boys didn’t even want to do an encore after they saw that. “Thanks a lot, Grandma. Your flapping titties just cost me an encore of “giddy up oom poppa maow maow” right there, all right? [scattered applause] I’m kidding. My grandma– My grandma’s awesome. She’s actually a widower. She’s trying to– She’s trying to meet some fellas now. She’s on one of them, uh, elderly dating services. She went on the Internet, Metamucil Mingle. -She’s been on that there for a while. [audience laughs] I think she’s on medical marijuana. I ain’t sure, but… she gave us a quilt the other day made out of Taco Bell wrappers, so there’s something going on there. [audience applauds, laughs] We almost lost my granddad. He’s 93 years old. He almost passed away– We almost lost him on the toilet. He almost died on the toilet. Boy, what a way to go right there. [sighs] Can you imagine dying on the toilet? I mean, what do you say to the relatives at the wake to make ’em feel better? I mean, that’s a tough one there. “Eh, Mrs. Eggerhof, we’re…” “we’re real sorry to hear about Ed. Man, that’s… [sniffles] [sighs] “But at least he died doing what he loved. -“You know, that’s–“ [audience laughing] “We– We heard he fought ’til the bitter end, and that’s the thing.” “He– He wasn’t a quitter, so he got it out.” “We’re excited, and that’s nice. We’re gonna light a match tonight and remember him at midnight, and, hopefully…” [scattered laughter, applause] I read a story one time. A fella got bit by a snake sitting on the toilet. He got interviewed. He said, “First thing I thought was I need to call animal control.” -That’s the first thing he thought? -[scattered laughter] If I got bit by something, the first thing I’d think is, “What the hell did I eat last night?” [audience chuckles] “Daggum. My food’s circling back on me here.” [audience laughing] We almost lost my grandpa. He sat on one of ’em power flush toilets. You ever seen them energy-savers? You flush it. There’s a– [mimics flushing] It goes like that? I mean, if you sit on it and flush, it’ll put a hickey on your hind end. I guarantee you. It will. But he sat on there– [mimics flush] Flushed it. Boom! Left nut down the drain. I ain’t kiddin’ with ya. True story! I wish it wasn’t, but that’s a true story. [laughing] I’m trying to help him out. I’m trying to yank him off that thing right here. It’s stuck in that little tube hole in there. [grunting] It’s like daggum Stretch Armstrong. Like… [grunting] And finally– [sputters] It comes lose, slow motion, right in my daggum head. [mimics slow-motion yell] It hits me. [mimics collision] It was like them little knocker balls. You ever seen them little knocker balls? “Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!” Bloodied my daggum nose. [audience chuckling] My wife’s like, “What’s going on in here?” [sighs] “His twig and berries went MMA on me, is what happened in here. I have had it.” [sighs] I love him. My grandpa, an alcoholic. We had a family reunion here a while back. We rarely get ’em, but we finally got everybody paroled at the same time, -so we were able to… -[audience laughs] My family’s– [sighs] What in the world! Don’t even wanna talk about ’em sometimes. My brother, he’s all stressed out now ’cause he’s been reading the papers. He thinks he’s gonna lose his job to a robot. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, if he look in his wife’s drawer, he’s already lost his job. [audience laughs, applauds] [whistling] It’s true. It’s true. My sister-in-law, she’s about 4’10”, 290 lbs. She used to model decoy stumps down there at Cabela’s many years ago. She had her stomach stapled last week. Nothing medically. She was at work and accidentally stapled some papers to her stomach there. But my grandpa’s an alcoholic. He’s drunk at the reunion. I said, “Grandpa, why do you drink so much?” He said, “Look around. I’m responsible for all this.” [audience laughs, applauds] [whistling] [Larry chuckles] My cousin hates Halloween. He hates Halloween, boy. I don’t mind Halloween. Out cat died two days before Halloween this year so we left him in the yard for extra decoration for the kids. [audience laughs] Do you dress up for Halloween? [audience members] Yeah! I did this year. My buddy, I wanted to help him out. He’s got a health food business he’s starting, a little gym in there, so I dressed up– Put on a dress and went as a “trans-fat.” [audience laughing] [whistling, cheering] [sighs] I always go with my kids trick or treatin’. You know, but here’s the problem. I’m very flattered people dress like me when they trick or treat. But it’s weird when I go, ’cause I’m just hanging out with my kids! They knock on the door, people are like, “Oh, look, little Batman, little Superman.” Ah! Larry the Cable Guy! That’s a good costume!” Then I always hear somebody from the back of the room. “Who is it?” “He’s dressed like Larry the Cable Guy.” Then I hear, “Ugh! That guy sucks!” [audience laughs] What the hell? Next time, I’m gonna go as Foxworthy, all right? How’s that? -That’s right. [chuckles] -[whistling] -I don’t care if anybody thinks he sucks. [whistling continues] [groans] Ugh! Anyway, my cousin hates Halloween. Hates it. He says to me, “I am so sick and tired of Halloween.” “I’m trying to watch the daggum TV show.” “‘Trick or treat?’ Every two minute– ‘Trick or treat.'” Gotta get up and give them candy.” I’m like… “[sighs] Calm down. [chuckles] Buddy, you ain’t gotta participate.” There’s ways you can get around the Halloween and kids.” You know what he did? Went down and registered as a sex offender. [audience laughing] I’m like, “You do know all you gotta do is turn your porch light off, right?” [laughing] You do know that?” He goes, “You think I’ve done something stupid?” “Yeah, I think you’ve done something stupid!” You’re the Sheriff, for heaven’s sake!” -[mouthing indistinctly] [audience laughing] [scattered applause] I always check my kids’ candy for poisons and razor blades. “Hold on, kids. You can’t eat that yet.” “I gotta check ’em for poisons and razor blades.” They come down later on. “Where’s all our candy?” “We live in a pretty bad neighborhood. I’ll be honest with ya.” “I swear we’re gonna move next year. I promise that.” “They ruined everything?” “No, not everything.” “They didn’t touch that box of raisins in there, but they…” Tell you what. Them Butterfingers, they was riddled with poison in there.” [audience laughs] I can’t eat like that no more. It sucks getting fat! Man, I’m trying to lose some weight. I gotta do something. It’s ridiculous! Ugh! I got on the trampoline the other day with my kids. I had two jumps, had to get off! I wasn’t tired or nothing. I had to get a ladder to get my boy out of a tree. [audience laughs] And it stinks, gettin’ older and fatter! And I used to be something back in the day, boys. I used to be something! I did. I used to run cross-country. You Google it. I think I still hold the state record for taking the most shits in the woods. [audience laughs] But I’m on a diet now. I’m eating nothing but Fruit Loops. But my wife has me on a… [audience laughs] My wife has me on a diet now where I can have one cheat day. So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun… one day a week. [quickly] Or anytime I drive by a fast-food restaurant when she’s not with me in the car. -All right, not there. -[audience laughing] [loud whistle] [normally] She’s a stickler, too, I tell you what. She’d be up there sleeping, 2:30 in the morning. Dog go down there and bark at the door for ten minutes, she don’t hear nothing. She’s racked out. I gotta go down there and let the dog out. So next day, I go down. I’m kinda hungry. I pour a little– little bowl of Cap’n Crunch down there. I hear, “Get out of the Cap’n Crunch!” [audience laughing] “What the hell? I should have barked when I poured that Cap’n Crunch in there, is what I should’ve done. It sucks gettin’ old and fat, I’ll tell you. I remember when my beard turned white, my– my wife was, like, trying to comfort me. “Oh, that’s okay, honey. I like somebody with a little salt and pepper in their beard.” Made me feel a little better. Then she goes, “It’s the corn in your teeth that’s disgusting.” -All right? [audience laughs] I was gonna say broccoli, but none of y’all believe I eat broccoli. -All right, so I ain’t saying that. [audience laughing] [sighs] Here’s the thing about getting older. You start losing your daggum memory. I can’t– I have a hard time remembering stuff now. It’s so frustrating. Have you ever left your groceries on the roof of your car? Yeah? For three weeks? -You ever did that? [audience laughing] I’m a hypochondriac. I always think I’m dying of something. I’m freaking out. Had a red blotch right there one time for a week, it’s freaking me out. So I go get a biopsy on it. Tested positive for picante sauce. [audience laughing] [sighs] Idiot! Cost me $1,000 to do that! Good news is, he wrote me a prescription for napkins, so that was pretty good, I guess. I always think I’m dying. Don’t ever look nothing up on the Internet, ’cause it ain’t good. It’s always lupus or Lou Gehrig’s, that’s what it is, one of them two. I think I got both of them damn diseases. Seen a commercial the other day for breast implant leakage. I had every damn symptom of a breast implant leakage in there. These stupid things. I ain’t kidding with you. Don’t ever look it up. It’s always lupus. Except for one time I had a lump right here. Honest. “What in the hell?” I look it up. “Ah, brain cancer That’s–“ [audience laughs] “That’s it for me. I’m a dead man. I got brain cancer.” You never learn nothing on the Internet, medically, looking it up. Except one time, I did. I found out that jock itch is also the name of a porn star in France. [laughing] And what is it about getting in your mid-50s, your big toe nail’s like a manhole cover all of a sudden? Holy smokes! I went to clip it the other day, the pin popped out of the clipper system in there. Holy smokes! Finally, I chip it off, hits my kid in the head, knocks him out, he’s bleeding from the eyeball. [audience laughing] I hate the waiting room, too, the walk-in clinic. Holy smokes, nobody’s got any manners in there, you know. Everybody’s sitting in there, hawking, hacking, coughing, farting, burping, belching– What the heck? Then you go see the nurse, “What are you here to see the doctor for?” “Well, it was a chest cold. Now I think I got hepatitis after being in there and…” Gotta go in there and wait ten hours for something. I could walk in there on bloody nubs, pulling my legs in a wagon in there… gotta sit for six hours. I ain’t sitting nowhere over an hour if I… ain’t got a wine list or something in there. [audience chuckling] Serve some beer. Boy, that’d be a game changer right there, wouldn’t it? Walk-in clinics start serving wine? [chuckles] “Excuse me, nurse. What wine do you recommend that goes with my itchy butthole?” [audience laughing] “Maybe a Boone’s Farm? Maybe a cherry wine or something like that or…” Then I finally get in to see the doctor, I got to wait on him in his room for another 45 minutes. Freezing cold, I’m in a backless paper gown. I’m a pair of high heels away from Caitlyn Jenner sitting in that office in there. [audience cheering] [thud] -Daggum. Yeah! -[whistling] Then he comes in there, and he looks at me. He looks around me. He looks in me. He lifts stuff up. He sighs a couple of times. It’s like a bad episode of Storage Wars every time I go to the doctor. [audience laughs] Then I spend all that money, waste all that time. You know what his diagnosis was? “You’re too fat.” [audience chuckles] Yeah, no kiddin’. What the hell? I could’ve stayed at home, and my wife’d tell me that for free. He’s like, “What are you gonna do about it?” “I don’t know. Hang out with people fatter than me, I guess.” Maybe take a selfie next to a cement mixer or something.” He’s like, “Well, you need to eat better. What did you eat last week?” “I don’t know. Go get my T-shirt.” [audience laughs] He says, “I want you to join a gym.” I ain’t joining a gym. Last time I was down there, I left a skid mark on the yoga mat. I ain’t going down to that gym. [audience laughing] He goes, “Well, get on a treadmill then. “Find a treadmill. Get on it. But start slow, and ease into it.” I don’t want you to have a heart attack.” Oh, that’s comforting right there. That’s when you know you’re a fat-ass right there. When cardiovascular exercise is like Russian roulette all of a sudden. “Honey, how much time you doing on the treadmill?” “I don’t know. Hopefully 30 minutes. I ain’t sure, all right?” “How’d he die?” “Sweatin’ to the oldies.” Weirdest thing I ever seen.” My buddy’s all mad at his doctor, ’cause he’s seen him driving a brand-new Mercedes-Benz. That’s good. Means you got a good doctor. I want my doctor to have a brand-new Mercedes-Benz. I don’t want to be a hour and a half away from open-heart surgery, my doctor show up in a ’78 Plymouth. You know, the door open up, a bunch of Pringles cans come falling out of the thing. [audience laughing] It’s like, “He thinks he’s better than me.” He is better than you. He’s a doctor. You’re a bouncer-slash-cook down there at Grits and Tits. I will say, though, and I hate admitting this, but sometimes I do think… that a doctor will talk you into a real expensive surgery just ’cause it’s more money. And I never used to think that way ’til after my hysterectomy, but… [audience laughing] I went and had a colonoscopy done. Boy, you ought to see the looks of the folks in that place. The looks on their faces, sittin’ in there, waiting on a colon– [chuckles] They all had that look like Wile E. Coyote seconds before he got hit by that anvil, you know what I mean? There was actually a guy sitting in a corner, holding up a sign that said, “Yikes.” They’re all for– And nobody’s nice to you. That’s the thing. I mean, not even the staff is treating you nice. And you know what’s fi’ing to happen. What in the hell? I mean, even Jiffy Lube puts out coffee and donuts. [audience laughing] And if I’m gonna go up there and they’re gonna start shoving stuff up my hind end, the least they could do is put out some bear claws. I was worried about that one. I said, “Oh, I gotta get a colonoscopy.” My wife’s like, “What are you worried about?” “Because they gonna put a camera up my hind end.” She goes, “Well, your head’s been up there eight months.” [audience laughing] All right, you do know you’re not funny, right? Worst part of the colonoscopy is the night before when you gotta drink the “go juice.” Holy smokes! I called waste management to give ’em a heads-up is what I did. “Hey, you better get some extra knob turners down there, ’cause… you’re fi’ing to have a donnybrook headed your way in five minutes.” Well, I was in there. I was reading a medical journal thing they had on the stuff they could do and what they– you know, all the operations they can do. Boy, what a time to be alive. I’d rather have a surgery now than 50 years ago. But some of the stuff they do– I read this article. They said they can now start to grow female reproductive organs in petri dishes for women that’s born with reproductive deformities. Ain’t that something? Boy… Like to be a kid now and get that chemistry set, I’ll tell you that much. Holy smokes. Ho. “Hey, where’s Larry at?” “Uh, he’s in the basement hoeing his vagina garden down there.” -[chuckles] That’s right. [audience laughing, clapping] Tell you what. Git-R-Done. That’s right. Yeah, they come up with a Twinkie tree, I’d never leave the house, I guarantee you. I guarantee you that. [audience laughing] I was in there. There was a woman breast-feeding in there, which is fine, that’s what you do. But if I’m being honest with you, the kid had to be four years old. [audience laughing] Isn’t that weird? [woman in audience] Yeah. I mean, I ain’t a woman. I don’t know, but four seems a little weird to me. I mean, I think when you’re breast-feeding, when the kid starts to incorporate salt shakers and a lime, you know what I mean? [chuckles] When he’s like, “Give me a squirt for my coffee,” maybe he’s a little too old for that, you know, maybe. Maybe it’s time to get him on the, uh, you know, titty milk 12-step program there in your area. I remember when we had kids, my wife used to have a breast pump, and she’d pump bottles. One time, she said, “Hey… you wanna taste that?” [chuckles] No. [audience laughing] Ha. She’s like, “Why? It’s better for you than cow’s milk.” [chuckling] Yeah, all right, whatev– Look, I’ve been on cow’s milk for some 50-odd years. I’m doing pretty good, all right. [chuckles] Only people I’ve ever seen drink your milk poop their pants eight times a day, all right, so… -[chuckles] [audience cheers] Ha. Ha. Yeah. [audience member whistling] Word out on the street is your product ain’t that good. -All right? [audience laughing] I seen a little baby, one-year-old, wearing glasses. How’d they know a baby needs glasses at one? What, he go to breast-feed and sucked the nose for nine months? [audience laughing] My neighbor’s got a newborn baby. And, uh, he fell in the toilet the other day, so… they got him sleeping in a bag of rice this weekend. [audience laughing] I got kids. I love my kids so much, but I tell you what, it’s unbelievable… how the Lord can create life. I mean, it’s unbelievable. You just see that little baby’s head pop out, you whole life is transformed and changed, and you just love it so much, and you cry, you know. And then, ten years later, that same thing, you wanna slap the living piss out of it, you know what I mean? It’s unbelievable, the whole different– I remember when my little boy was born. I was scared to hit a speed bump leaving the hospital for fear his head would go like that and crack open or somethin’. Here I am ten years later, driving down the interstate trying to drive, trying to get the perfect whack on the middle of his frickin’ head. And, uh, my wife’s like, “Be careful, you’re gonna crash.” I don’t give a shit. I’ll kill everybody in this car right now, all right? I could care less. I’ve had it with him right now. [audience hooting] It’s ridiculous. [audience hooting, whistling, clapping] Yeah, the Pope came out and said, “Married couples should have more kids.” That’s easy for him to say. Daggum Pope ain’t got no kids. How ’bout I drop my kids off at the Vatican for a couple of hours? How’s that sound? Yeah, see if they can get grape jelly out of the Pope hat, all right? [audience laughing] That’s why I never understood kidnapping. Really? You wanna put up with this bullshit? Are you kiddin’ me? Holy– You kidnap my kids, they’d be back on the porch in two days with an apology note strapped to the side of them. [audience hooting] Oh, but I love ’em. I don’t care what age it is, you put up with– I love ’em so much, I tell you. You know, I was gonna home school my kids, and them my wife reminded me, uh, we’re idiots. [audience laughing] [Larry chuckling] [chuckles] Hey, I was home schooled, and I-I loved it. I finished, uh, second in my class. [audience laughing] [chuckles] It wasn’t until two years ago, my mom told me that she’d made the dog valedictorian. -I don’t know what it is. [audience laughing] I worry about my kids. Oh, they’re so sweet. My little girl’s such a sweetie, and my little boy’s got a kind heart. And I just worry about bullies in sch– Oh. You know, I was bullied by a fourth grader one time, and, oh, I hated every minute of it. So I finally– I went home and told my wife she’s gotta go pick the kids up, ’cause I can’t handle it down there no more. Hey, you laugh. There’s some big-ass fourth graders out there. I mean, this girl, she wasn’t small. I’ll guarantee you that much. Remembered Father’s Day and my kids. By the way, Father’s Day is the biggest piece of crap holiday they got out there. That’s where your wife and kids take your money and buy you crap you didn’t want to begin with. All right? But my kids, they’re so sweet. They drew a picture of me. and put “We love you, Daddy” on it. And– Which is awesome. And I felt so bad, because instead of me going, “Man, I love my kids. This is–” The only thing I could think… when they gave it to me was… “I’m not that fat, am I?” [audience laughing] And it bugged me, and I told them, “Kids, I like the picture, but I’m not that fat.” They’re like, “Yeah, you are.” I’m like, “No, I’m not.” Yeah, so they took the picture and held it up to my cellphone, and it unlocked it. [audience laughing] Took a family vacation. Everybody wants to go canoeing, which I didn’t wanna do. Canoeing’s an old Indian word that means “butt blisters.” [audience laughing] Yeah, canoeing’s a lot of fun when you’re a fat guy. Yeah, that’s a lot of fun right there. My little boy’s in the front. I’m in the back. Going down the river for five miles, popping a wheelie, going in circles. Got a catfish stuck to my nipple. I can’t get it off of there. He’s like, “Why do I gotta wear a life jacket?” Because if this thing tips over, it’ll keep you alive long enough for me to save the Kentucky Fried Chicken over there, all right? [audience laughing] You know what the difference between canoeing with your wife and canoeing with your little boy is? [man] What? When you’re done canoeing, your little boy is still talking to you. [audience laughing] [chuckling] My wife’s– My wife’s 13 years younger than me. -[hooting] -Git-R-Done. I’ll never forget the preacher’s words. “I now pronounce you husband and incoming freshman.” You know who doesn’t like it when you marry younger women? Older women. [chuckles] Not all of them. Just her mom and her aunt. Here’s the bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. They’re already ready to go out and start doing stuff you’re sick and tired of doing. You know? Like… leaving the house. [audience laughing] Fourth of July, she’s like, “Let’s go see the fireworks display.” “All right. What channel is it on? I’ll be down in a minute.” I know my wife loves me, though, ’cause she married me looking like this. [chuckles] The good thing about marrying somebody that looks like this is there ain’t a lot to drop-off on the years to go by. You know, It’s like buying a Kia, you know? Sure, it’s a Kia, but it ain’t gonna get no shittier than that. All right? [audience laughing] People said to me, “You know, your wife only married you ’cause you’re famous.” And I asked her. I said, “Did you marry me ’cause I’m famous?” She said, “No. I married you ’cause you’re rich.” [chuckles] [audience laughing] What? I’m just kidding. I did ask her, though. I said, “Did you marry me ’cause I got money?” She goes, “No. It’s our money.” [audience laughing] My wife… uh, I love her so much. She goes to the spa every now and then. And I can’t ever figure the spa out. I go, “Why do you go the the spa all the time?” “‘Cause I like to sit in there and soak and think about stuff and relax.” “Well, we got a tub at the house. Can’t you soak in the tub at the house?” She goes, “Yeah, but at the spa, you don’t sit on the toilet and stare at me.” [audience laughing] My wife is sexy, too, boy. She likes to talk when we make love. That’s sexy right there. -[audience member hoots] -Oh, I love that. Make love every day. She says stuff like, uh, “You okay?” [audience laughing] “Why’s your face red?” “Blink twice if you can hear me.” I’m like, “Get off my leg. Oh, my chest. Ah, my chest. Get off. Get off.” Making love to my wife is like having a stroke with a happy ending. [audience laughing] I feel bad for her, too, ’cause I’m not handy around the house. [chuckles] I’m a comedian, you know? One time, I put up a towel rack. It fell off seven times. So she went and got a stud finder, and he put it up. I went shopping with her one time. And I hate this. Do I– “Does this make me look fat”? I hate that. I don’t know. Look what I’m wearing. Do you think I’m a fashion plate right here? “Honey, does this– Do I look fat in this?” “I don’t know. How much is it?” I’ll tell you if you look fat in it or not.” $400? [imitates pig squealing] [audience cheering] [Larry chuckling] Yeah. Anybody see the movie Cars? -[audience whistling, cheering] -All right, everybody seen that? That’s right. That’s how I’m able to afford these fancy britches right here. -[man] Yeah. -[Larry chuckling] I got a funny story to tell you about that. Here’s how I got that part. John Lasseter told me that I didn’t have to audition or nothing. He said he’d been to 200 celebrities, 150 voice-over artists. He didn’t have any clue. One day left, picked up Blue Collar Comedy CD. He heard my voice. Said, “That’s my tow truck. Get him on the phone.” [chuckles] That’s how I got the job. -It’s the craziest thing ever. -[audience cheering] I was so thankful. I’m not kidding. [whistling from audience] So thankful. So I go out there, and I’m nervous. I go out there. I’m nervous. It’s John Lasseter and Pixar, and he shows me around, and he puts me in this booth, and there’s the script, and he says, “All right. Just wanna let you know that, uh… “when we do these voices, I might, uh… “have you do the same voice, “same line, 12 times, but don’t think you’re doing bad.” We just get a lot of takes.” And then I said, “Okay, well how do you want– “How is Mater? Is he, kind of, a fast talker?” He goes, “What do you mean?” I go, “Well, just, I don’t know.” He goes, “He’s you. You’re Mater.” I said, ‘Well, yeah, but–” “No, just be you.” I’m like, “All right.” So my first line was, “My name is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh'”. So he did his line and he pointed at me, and I just went, “My name is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh'”. And he started laughing and said, “All right, we got it.” [audience cheering] [Larry chuckling] Yeah, right? [chuckles] I think he might have done one more, and that was it, and– So now we do the whole movie. It was awesome. Everybody’s great. Six years later, we’re on the Fantasy Cruise, of Disney’s Fantasy ship. And it’s the very first time it ever went out there, and they’re all there, all the Disney folks, the Pixar folks. I did a show in the showroom and… and I thought this was the weirdest request, but I did it. John Lasseter asked me to go up and take the ship’s microphone and make a ship’s announcement. It goes all over the ship. And then, once I’m done as Mater telling everybody thanks for coming on the ship, then have Mater introduce you, and you tell everybody thanks for coming to your show. And I thought, “Well, that’s kind of weird, but… [chuckles] I’ll go ahead and do it.” And we laugh every time we think about it, but it’s the actual… uh, message I did on the boat. This is what it sounded like. “Hey, everybody. This is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh.'” “Boy, I tell you what, I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park “that you come on this Fantasy Cruise, and shoot, daggum, “if you ever get to Radiator Springs, “you and me will do us some backward driving.” “All right, then, don’t forget. You and me, we is best friends.” “Now here’s my buddy, Larry the Cable Guy, to say something to you.” Hey, everybody. This is Larry, the Cable Guy.” [audience laughing] Same voice! God bless you guys. Thank you so much… for an awesome night tonight. I hope you enjoyed everything, and Git-R-Done! [audience cheering] [Larry] Thank you so much. Thank you. [theme music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Vir Das: Outside in – The Lockdown Special (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-outside-in-the-lockdown-special-transcript/

[soft piano music playing] [Vir Das] What you’re about to watch wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s completely unscripted. It was totally unplanned. It’s just… a moment in time. When the world shut down, we decided to do 30 shows for charity, just to raise money for COVID relief. And every night, I’d ask people the same question. What’s the first thing you’re gonna do, the first thing, when this world reopens? Welcome to lockdown day. I don’t know what day it is. That’s the thing about the entire world going through the same thing at the same time. I guess it’s special. All right. What’s up! What’s up, everyone? Hello! Good evening, and welcome to what promises to be the strangest stand-up comedy gig that you and I have both ever been a part of. If you’re not using earphones, what I ask is that you get as close to the device as you possibly can so that I can hear you laugh. Because if I cannot hear you laugh, then it’s just me in a room talking to myself, worried that I’m going to die. We’ll begin with India’s official unity mantra against the coronavirus. On the count of three, everybody here will say, “Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go.” All right. Three, two, one… Go! [audience] Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go. I’m not sure how this is going to go. Zoom shows, the future of stand-up… or the prelude to the death. What’s the first thing you’re going to do once the lockdown ends? Where’s the girlfriend? Santacruz. You look very young. You look like you’ve just read Harry Potter. [audience laughing] Like you’ve just finished the last page of Deathly Hallows. How old are you? Seventeen. How long has it been since you saw the girlfriend? Two months. Two months! That’s like, way before the virus. I think she might’ve left you, buddy, like… Just saying. That’s before the lockdown. -[audience laughing] She attended your show, er, two days ago on the 15th. So I got a recommendation from your girlfriend. That sounds wrong. No, no… [audience laughing] Comedically, f*ck you, you tharki people, all right? I do not interact with 17-year-old girls ever, on policy, under any circumstances. [Sargam] Celebrate my birthday. Sargam, where are you joining us from? [Sargam] Chicago. Chicago? Jesus! What time is it there, darling? [Sargam] Oh, it’s morning time. It’s 9:34. 9:34… I mean, where the f*ck do you have to be, right? So, that’s great. [audience laughing] Americans, you wake up really early. They get to work by 8 o’clock over there, right? That’s how they’re the most powerful country… Er… Were the most powerful country in the world. Er… Before… Before somebody ate a bat… [all laughing] …and crashed your economy. A bat f*cked your country. Your whole country from across the world. And you thought a butterfly had a big effect. [laughing] That’s the toughest thing about this virus. It’s like we don’t know who to blame. ‘Cause that’s like the hallmark of being Indian, is before you solve a problem, you blame it on somebody else. And this is new territory for us. This is the first thing we’ve experienced in the last 73 years that is not Pakistan’s fault. [audience laughing] We are not used to things not being Pakistan’s fault. Now, all our politicians are on TV in masks. It’s great. It’s great to see conservative Hindu leaders dressing up exactly like the Muslim women they oppress. [audience laughing] We’re allowed to meet one person from outside your family, out in a park, with two-meter distance. [all laughing] Who are you utilizing this rule for? Who’s that person you’re meeting? -That’s my girlfriend. -Your girlfriend? [all laughing] And when you… When you meet your girlfriend, your steady girlfriend, after six weeks… in a park… er… you intend to socially distance? I highly doubt that. That’s why I am not gonna meet her until the lockdown is over. Can you ima… Like, I’m just picturing two people who are desperate and horny, standing two meters away from each other. And his girlfriend just going, “Man, I wish your dick was bigger right now, I really do.” “That would be so much more useful.” Eat food from my favourite place. “Eat food.” Okay, great. So, Srushti Shah, er… You know, I’m glad you completed the sentence. You know what I mean? Where you were like, “Eat food,” and we all got worried about you. And then you were like, “No, from my favourite place.” We were like, “She’s privileged. It’s fine.” We all got it then. It is okay. Yo, what are you studying? Fashion design. Fashion design. Okay, cool. We’ll pretend that’s a course. No, I’m joking. I’m joking. In Gandhinagar? Yeah. Good. You know, Gandhiji was known for great fashion. Er… [audience laughing] He had that one outfit that was really popular, you know. And he designed it himself, and, you know, it’s… Okay. Did you hear that uncomfortable silence, Srushti? On the Zoom call. All right. Cool. Erm… I love Asian food. Okay. The place is called TG’s. That’s the first place I’m going for. You’re eating dal-sabzi and all at home? Haan. You know that’s Asian food. [audience laughing] Oriental food. I’m just putting it out there, like… Cool. You realize we’re not in Scotland right now. Technically, this is… [laughs] I may be in a place that the virus came from, normally. You live… You’re from Wuhan, really? No, no, no. Are you patient zero? You brought it over? Normally, I live and I work in China. I do think that it’s a lot worse than maybe what they’ve let on. No. I mean, China is just like, “No, that’s not a body, that’s a…” “He’s just sleeping,” right? That’s basically all China’s been doing. “We’ve absolutely no new cases.” [imitates gunshots] [Upasna] Graduate. Upasna, graduate in what? Architecture from Manipal University. Architecture from Manipal University, which is half real. Let’s be honest, all right. [audience laughing] The field of architecture is real, but Manipal University means, “Papa gave 20 lakhs in a suitcase to somebody.” That’s basically what that shit is, right? There are places in Gandhinagar where you can go. NIFT, Gandhinagar. NIFT, Gandhinagar, cool. There’s… Er… The National Institute of Fashion Technology, right? That’s what NIFT is? Yes. ‘Cause, you know, fashion is all about technology. Er… [audience laughing] You know, sometimes… [laughs] Sometimes, I’ll put on a T-shirt and I’ll be like, “My God, this is hi-tech.” You know… “This is just…” “Whoever designed this…” [chuckles] “You know, when I eat Asian food, it just slides right off.” “How did they make that happen with this T-shirt?” I think I made fun of the fashion girl a little too much. Like, no stylist is ever gonna work with me again. It’s okay. Isn’t it all just hazmat suits for the next f*ckin’ decade? “Asian food.” It’s… I had to, I’m sorry. [man] Celebrate 420. Oh, man. Don’t you have ganja? [man] No, bro. So, every time I go to a college, people write in there, “Vir Das. ‘Babaji ki Booty.’ Do you wanna get high together, bro?” “You want to smoke a ‘J’ together, bro?” And I’m like, “No!” Can you imagine what would happen if you, a college kid, got high with me, a 40-year-old man? And you’re like… [inhales deeply] “Hey, Vir Das, do you feel like the moon landing was fake and they never told us about that shit?” [audience laughing] You know, and I’d be like, “I have acid reflux.” Like, you know… [laughs] It would just be such a sad day. Are you able to smoke in your house? Yeah. Late night, I sneak up to my terrace and do things when they’re sleeping. You realize they know, right? They’re in their bed, like… [sniffs] “That’s Manali.” That’s what’s happening in your house right now. What’s the first thing you’re going to do after the lockdown ends? Somebody yell it out. [Tanay] Stay home. Who the f*ck is that? What are you sitting on? Is that a video gamer’s chair? Is that what that is? That’s a gamer’s chair, yeah. That’s a gamer’s chair, yeah. [audience laughing] Just have some multivits, buddy, because… I mean… Gamer generation, you guys… You can’t survive a peanut allergy. I’m not confident of your abilities in a pandemic. I am sorry. If you had to go outside, where would you go, what was your thing? Clubbing. What’s your favourite club? It was Tryst, but then it shut down for renovation. Yeah, bro, I feel you. Tryst… [all laughing] Tryst. Tryst was lit AF. You know, like, just… You know, like, f*ckin’ Friday night. Have like a… A Rooh Afza shot and build a world and… Head out to Tryst. [woman] I’m from Dubai, UAE. You’re from UAE. That’s not really, yaar… That’s just… [audience laughing] That’s just India with cleaner and meaner people. If India loved architecture more and hated Indians more, that’s Dubai. [audience laughing] So lockdown has been extended, again. And it will probably be extended again. And again… And again, and again, and… What’s the first thing you guys are gonna do after the lockdown ends? Yell it out. [man] I’ll have ice cream. Is it not available where you are? [audience laughing] I think it’s not available anywhere. Because what we’re doing here, I don’t know if you guys are doing this… Like, the package comes and then we sanitize the package. Er, and then, we take the food and immediately put it in another container and microwave that shit for 30 seconds to nuke all the f*ckin’… So just do that with your ice cream. Have some soup, man. [laughs] I don’t know what else to… [audience laughing] Pranav, you’re in Karnataka. What do you do, buddy? Er, actually, I was supposed… I’m supposed to go to US for my studies. I am just waiting. [woman] Oh… Pranav, I have bad news. [Pranav chuckles] [woman] Aw… Er… And… But you have the visa and everything, it’s all done? No, no. Only I have admission and I have the date. [Pranav chuckles] [women] Aw… I hope it happens, man. I really, really do. Like, I’m f*ckin’… Thanks. I’m rooting for you. Like, positive energy from me to you. It’s completely unrealistic, but still, from me to you. Yes. [audience laughing] [Vir Das] I know what it is to have that feeling, you know, firsthand. That feeling of, er… “I wanna go to America. My life’s gonna change.” “Everything’s gonna be…” I hope this kid makes it there before this virus kills that feeling. ‘Cause that feeling is important. [chuckles] I was feeling sorry for myself before the show. This kid is going through that. He just wants ice cream. That’s what he wants. Ice cream. And I need to toughen the f*ck up and… keep doing this. What’s your name? Hillary. Hillary? [Hillary] Yeah, from Moscow. Hillary from Moscow, really? Oh, so… Oh, wow… So you are Mr. Hillary Dsouza. Good to see you, sir. That’s right. That’s right. That was not the surname that I was expecting when I heard “Hillary.” [all laughing] I’m gonna be very honest, I thought of an unhappy wife. Er… Millennials, that’s a Hillary Clinton joke, never mind. We’ll get to it. It’s the news. [indistinct chatter] It’s fine. No, no, no… She didn’t win. She doesn’t deserve your laughter. [Hetika] Go attend my dance class. Non-virtual. Hetika. What’s up, Hetika? What kind of dance? Erm, so I’m learning bhangra currently. Yo, lady. You don’t have to learn bhangra. I don’t think there’s bhangra classes. -[audience laughing] There are. A more formal way of it. But, yeah. What happens in bhangra class? Er, sastriyaakaal, welcome to… [laughs] [Hetika] That. Just that and– Welcome to bhangra class. There are two buttons on ceiling. Hit buttons. I don’t know what the… Absolutely. For some reason, Indians do bhangra to classic rock. I don’t know if you’ve like– Oh, God. That’s horrible. They’re like, “‘November Rain,’ bhenchod.” Like, you know… It’s just… [audience laughing] I love it when we make white people do bhangra, ’cause they’re so happy to be included, right? They’re just like… “I think they forgave us.” [audience laughing] [woman] Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas. What time is it there? 8:30 in the morning. Jesus Christ! [laughs] You’re watching stand-up for breakfast? Are you f*ckin’ serious? I’ve never had a gig where somebody eats poha in the middle of the gig. That’d be f*ckin’ great. Did you see Donald Trump today? It was great. He said, “You can inject disinfectant into your body.” If you inject disinfectant into your body, you don’t have to worry about the coronavirus. You know what I’m saying? Or even cleaning your house anymore. You have other worries, like, you know… Flowers, food, the size of the coffin, you know. Other things that you need to… to think about, man. What a train wreck, your guy is. But I’m really sorry. But, I mean, at least you have, like, some 500 trillion dollars or whatever, right? At least, you know… At least Donald Trump’s plan is not… [imitates Trump] “Er, I want everyone to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m.” Like, at least that’s not the plan. [all laughing] Can you imagine if that was Donald Trump’s plan… [imitates Trump] “Er, we have the best balconies and I want everybody to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m. and light a candle.” “We have the best candles in America.” “God bless America, God bless American candles.” “Good night, we’re all gonna die.” Like if that was… [laughs] Er, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do once the lockdown ends? Somebody yell it out. [Ashish] Haircut. Ashish, you look all right, though. -Like, it’s… [Ashish] No, like… If you look at my beard, it’s too much than what I have normally. So, yeah. Beard and hair. I mean, we’re all being polite right now, and ignoring the fact that you need somebody else to trim your beard. Which is… [audience laughing] Just the most privileged f*cking thing in the world. The thing is that I actually used to do that– “No, but Ramu does it so much better.” [audience laughing] “Ramu gets in there, where I don’t want to go.” Barber… When I go to the barber– Shut up. Don’t explain your privilege, own it. [audience laughing] It’s either been, like, close to two months or 16 years since the lockdown began and… We took a little bit of a break from doing the shows because I was going through… some stuff. And now we are back. People come and see a Vir Das show, they come to forget about their shit. They don’t come to see mine. So… put your shit away. ♪ Put your shit away… ♪ [woman] So, it’s 6:50 a.m. right now. 6:50 in the morning. You got up to see a comedy show with your boyfriend? Oh, wow. So, marriage maybe after this? [chuckles] Oh, my God. Okay, it’s too early for this. “It’s too early for this,” as in 6:50 in the morning or in life? What are we talking about exactly? Is it like… What’s the problem? Is it… I should go. [in Hindi] “I haven’t graduated” or “I haven’t taken a dump”? [in English] What is the actual problem? [man] Go back to Canada. Go back to Canada. Aw… [audience laughing] Me and my girlfriend, she’s on the call here. We came here for our engagement ceremony. And are you guys at least together in India right now? No. She’s in Ahmedabad. I am in Baroda. You flew from Canada… [audience laughing] …to India, to symbolically and romantically be together. And the minute you conducted a ceremony that binds you together for life, you f*ckin’ separated… [audience laughing] … and went to different cities. [man] To do the ceremony. I feel like you deserve this predicament. You’re just making bad choices in this relationship. I don’t think you understand the delicate interplay between romance and geography. Er… [audience laughing] [Monika] Hug people. Monika, you’re gonna go out and hug people? I’m of the same opinion as you. I feel like, the second there’s… Forget a vaccine, I feel like, a cure, we are just gonna be touching the shit out of each other. [all laughing] In a non-creepy way. Creepy is such a relative thing. I am kidding. [audience laughing] I was thinking about that the other day. If we get back to offices with social distancing, that’s gonna be terrible for the “Me, Too” guys, right? Where everybody is like six feet away. Just a lonely M.J. Akbar in the office. [audience laughing] [imitates M.J. Akbar] “You’re sexy.” Like, I don’t know… So, you know, every time I do this piece to cams in my own… private reality show that nobody’s watching, I, er… I come off as a bit of a bitch. Despite myself, I’m looking forward to today’s show. One for you, Zoom. First thing you’re going to do once the lockdown ends and we’re all allowed outside. Yell it out. Ride my bike. I mean, go riding, as in riding. I never understand when guys are like, “Dude, I rode my motorcycle.” No, you didn’t. It’s not like you showed up and your Harley was just there running wild like… [huffs, snorts] And you’re like, “Whoa, Harley, whoa.” [snorts] [audience laughing] And then your Harley Davidson took off. You’re like… And you have to jump on to it. Did I tell you, I almost bought a Harley? Like, I almost… And then I realized, “Oh, f*ck, I’m actually not an alpha.” And I think the way that you know that is the way my hands went like that. You know, guys, I’m actually not an alpha. F*ck this virus. F*ck the bat. [man] Play football. This isn’t one of those fantasy things where a lot of guys who can’t play football get into a room together– No, no, no. Play actual, physical football. What’s your position? What do you play? I play right-winger. You play right-winger? Cool. I’m a left-winger myself. Erm… [audience laughing] We have different goals. You know. I wanna score a goal, you know, get a penalty. You guys wanna build a statue that nobody wants. [audience laughing] [Erika] I can go out all day. You can go out all day? One second. What’s up, Erika, where you from? I am from Costa Rica. You’re from Costa Rica? Is there any, erm… Are there COVID patients in Costa Rica? Are there cases or not? No, we can go out all day. It’s fine? Everything’s cool? Yes, everything’s okay. Under control. Okay, I know you’re alone in the room, but can you feel the resentment from everybody else? [audience laughing] I can feel it. International, guys. [all laughing] Yeah. Hey, other Indian comedians, do you have unemployed people from COVID-free countries as your families? I think not. [Shreya] Go on a cruise. “Go on a cruise.” Who the f*ck said that? Shreya, you have no f*ckin’ understanding of how science works? Have you not read every news article ever… that has come out in the last… And where are you going in this cruise? I don’t know. Just to… “I just wanna be… I don’t know.” “I just wanna be stuck on a ship with some people and a virus. That’s my plan.” [boy] Gonna turn 16 tomorrow. You’re 15 years old? Yes. Buddy, don’t take anything I said seriously, all right? [audience laughing] Like, don’t tell anyone you were at this show, all right? Just… It’s all confidential. Don’t worry. Who bought the tickets? I did, myself. You have a debit card at 16? Yes. Are you doing child porn on the side? What the f*ck is happening? -Why do you have– No, not at all, sir. I’m not insinuating that you do child porn. Usually, you get recognized. Like somebody on the Zoom call be like, “Yeah, are you… [audience laughing] …Chintu69?” Er… Just a second. Just a second. Is somebody knocking on your door right now? [man] Yes, yes, yes. [all laughing] Is that your mom, or your girlfriend? Who is that? It’s my mom, actually. I have to take care of my sister, so she’s calling me. Buddy, go do your thing. No, I’m not going to, actually. I’m talking to you. -How old is your sister? -She’s only five years old, actually. She’ll survive, five is enough. [audience laughing] That’s fine. You don’t need to feed them or educate them. She’ll be fine. F*cker, go take care of your sister. I’m not having, like, some, er… child malnutrition on my conscience, you know. I’ve got enough. I did Mastizaade. I feel guilty enough about my life. [woman] From Spain. From Spain? Good Lord, hello. Nice to see you. It looks like you’re looking up so you’re watching me on a television? Yes. Computer’s broken. All right, so then I’ll try and make this look like it should. “Hello. How are you?” Er… [audience laughing] Is that helping you at all? Or not. Are you scared, are you nervous? Like, you know… Or are you just happy to see the f*ck out of each other? It’s weird. It’s weird because, like, er, Spanish are very sociable people. So when you meet somebody, you just kiss. Well, on the cheek. -[audience laughing] -So, its… Social distance is… We have a town called Delhi. It’s the same way, but that’s not, you know… Not quite as consensual as you guys. Yeah, that’s what happens in Delhi. [kisses] [in Hindi] F*ck off, motherf*cker. [in English] Madam, I am being Spanish, okay? Spanish. Er, I’m in Ireland right now. I’m Indian, but I am, at the moment, I’m in Ireland. You know, I guessed you were Indian from the, “Charu…” [mumbling] [audience laughing] So you’re stuck in college? Well, I wouldn’t call it “stuck.” Okay. Because we’re still, like, free to go outside on walks, like… Grocery shopping, and we can go out cycling and stuff like that. So I wouldn’t say, like, I’m stuck. All the other Indians are sitting there like… [in Hindi] “Motherf*cker. You f*ckin’…” [in English] She’s in a Spanish village, f*ckin’ drinking Prosecco. This chick is chilling and going out on her bicycle. Er, I’m doing master’s in Biomedical Engineering. Do you believe that? You believe we are headed for a vaccine September, October types? I highly doubt that, just because the whole process of actually getting a vaccine is so long. You have to, like, sleep with a Poonawalla, you know, it’s tough, er… [audience laughing] Let me tell you, that’s an inside joke. All right, cool. Just me? All right. Today is our first show for London. Er… Yay. Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond… I’m never gonna get to go to London again. [woman] Go to the pub. Go to the pub? Okay. And what’s your pub drink? What’s the first thing… What do you start the night with? Of course, a martini. A martini. Why is that “of course, a martini”? Maybe you want a beer. Like, I don’t know, if like… I’m not from, er, London. I don’t know why I got Indian when I said that shit. [in Indian accent] I’m not from London, son. No pubs for you. And give Kohinoor back. [audience laughing] Just got married in India on March 13th, the day the world went to shit. And we… Our marriage… Nice. So you’re having like a f*ckin’ pandemic honeymoon. This is great. [audience laughing] Is your kid gonna be… Your kid has gotta be called Corona. That’s just gotta be a thing that happens. Okay, it is, er… 7:00 a.m. on a Sunday and… I’m about to do stand-up comedy for people in New York. This is so f*ckin’ weird. [man] Get a haircut. Get a haircut. There’s a sardar on the… Jaswin, I hope that’s not you. That wasn’t you. All right, cool. [all laughing] Jaswin’s just sitting there like, “When the lockdown is done, I’m done with this Sikhism, I gotta say.” [audience laughing] [Asmita] Get my eyebrows done. Get your eyebrows done. [audience laughing] Same, girl. Need it. Okay, admin, mute her. I thought this would be good. But f*ck this, this is just a… Okay. No, let’s talk about this. Can you not do it yourself? Like, is that not a… Tweezing eyebrows is serious business. You don’t mess around with that. Why? What’s the worst case scenario? You’d just look surprised by life. [audience laughing] You’re just like… Your friends are like, “Wow, Asmita really enjoyed that Starbucks.” “You know what I mean?” “I’ve been to Starbucks with her every day for a decade, but she really got into it today, I gotta say.” In India, people are like… [in Hindi] “I’m not getting any food…” “Workers are migrating, this and that.” [in English] Here it’s like, “I can’t get my eyebrows done, and I can’t drive my car.” You f*ckin’ privileged motherf*ckers. [woman] No, it was a hospital birth. Erm, but it was just really odd. We didn’t have… Like, a nurse wouldn’t come to touch me or anything. So I just had to pretty much have the baby alone. That’s insane. So like, for the first time in history, the dad and the nurse have swapped. -‘Cause now the dad is doing all the work. -[audience laughing] And the nurse is just eight feet away like, “You’re doing great.” [audience laughing] The baby comes out, looks at the dad, and the baby’s like… “Is he the doctor? Why is he crying?” I heard a pretty good story about the virus today. [man 1] Bat ate a fruit. Dropped the fruit. A pig ate it. [audience laughing] The pig got, whatever, cut, slaughtered. Mmm-hmm. Went to that Wuhan wet market or whatever. Okay. Somebody bought the pig. The chef took it to a hotel. Okay. Somebody called him to say, “Compliments to the chef,” so he just wiped his hands, went and shook hands with him. Okay, so I just wanna say, if this is true, then you are a man of average intelligence and good information. [audience laughing] But if you’re f*ckin’ with me, then you’re a pure genius. I just love the confidence. [imitates man 1] “Bat. Ate the pig. Then the pig…” [man 2] I’m from India, stuck in Singapore. Plan was to call my wife here. Okay. But suddenly this pandemic thing, stupid thing came in. All right, cool. I know, the virus is very stupid. We’re the smart ones. [audience laughing] It is day 9,562, and the virus continues to endure. It is like Rocky, part 19. [flushing] Like, I promise you… Is somebody in the toilet? I just heard a flush. Did you guys f*ckin’ hear that shit? [audience laughing] You f*ckin’ hear that shit? [woman 1] Someone’s in the toilet. Someone is taking a dump during my show and it’s not me. [woman 2] This is epic. This is epic. ♪ Me, ma, me, ma, me, ma, me ♪ I’m in Madrid right now. I, er, dance flamenco here in Spain. Ooh, nice. So I’m just waiting to put on the flamenco shoes. I think you can do flamenco dancing socially distanced. Because flamenco’s like a girl who does that stuff and does the tap, tap, tap, with her feet. And then two meters away is just a guy with a guitar looking at her hornily, right? That’s basically flamenco. That’s what that is. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. He’s like… [imitates guitar strumming] That’s it, that’s the dance. Yeah, lot of sexual tension. He’s like… [imitates guitar strumming] She’s like… [taps feet] “Stay away.” He’s like, “But I love you…” [imitates guitar strumming] “I can see it in your eyes that you want me.” She’s like, “I will hide my eyes, then.” Tsk. So, two nights ago, er… We begin with funny man Vir Das, whose neighbour threatened to cough on him. Probably the craziest night I’ve ever had in Mumbai. Er… The older gentleman sneezed on me. Er, and we’re okay. You know, we… We sorted it out. We’re friends now. But I’m just gonna tell you the story. [clicks tongue] Sneezing on someone is such a f*ckin’ intimate act, you know? It requires, like, consent and proximity, neither one of which I gave. [audience laughing] I wanted to… He was like, “You’ll be haunted,” and I didn’t respond to that. ‘Cause I’m very scared of ghosts. I’ve had, like, a ghost experience in my life. Like, it was in college where, er… [chuckles] I was… I was lying on my bed and I felt somebody sit down on the bed. There was nobody else on the bed. And I knew there was a ghost in the room. And then in my ear, I heard somebody go, [hoarse whisper] “Do you have any ganja?” [audience laughing] And I was like, “What?” And the ghost was like, “Yeah, bro, you have any stash?” “There’s no stash in heaven.” And I was like, “Why is there no stash in heaven?” And he was like, “Think about it, bro. Plants can’t grow on clouds.” [audience laughing] And I never thought about that before. Plants can’t grow on clouds. Do you know what that means? There are no vegetarians in heaven. [audience laughing] I think that’s why they call it heaven. Er… [audience laughing] And I called my lawyer in the middle of the night and she’s like, “This happened. Put it up.” And now, every single news outlet and Twitter outlet, and we’re on the f*ckin’ TV, is carrying this. And I’m positioning like I have a sense of humour about it, right? I have to get a f*ckin’ COVID test now. He pulled down his mask and he was like… He was like… Achew! Like, that’s what happened. [audience laughing] It was really sweet. Like that was the sneeze. He was like… Achew! I feel like what happened was, in his mind, he was like, “I’m gonna sneeze on him,” and his body was like, “No, you’re gonna cough on him.” [audience laughing] And then it just got combined. Your body will do that sometimes. You’re like, “I’m gonna laugh,” and your body is like, “No, you’re gonna fart and shit your pants a little bit.” [audience laughing] And I’m a comic. I know my job. I’m a comic. I will take this shit and I will write jokes about it. Everybody said, “Why didn’t you hit the man?” And the only thing I can think of is somewhere in my mind and in my body, I was like, “Don’t do this. I have a future.” I can’t get cancelled right now. I have a future. How do I even talk to a therapist about this? They’d be like… “Yeah, I’m just gonna refund this session because… they did not teach me this at the University of… Bughtown.” Bughtown? It’s such a pain in the ass to be 40 years old and now find out that you’re a f*ckin’ optimist. [audience laughing] You know, it’s like finding out you’re diabetic, you know what I mean, it’s like… “Oh, I have to change my whole life now, man. F*ck!” “I have to give up stuff that I like, sugar and self-pity.” [woman] No, no, but I’m American. An American who is in Delhi, so I’m from outside of the country. Nice! Yeah, so how long have you been a refugee? [woman] Almost three years now. Almost three years. And what’s your line of work? [woman] It’s, erm, an adjustment. I’m not okay with the locusts coming our way. I’m not okay with that. I can survive the heat, I can survive the dust storms, I can survive the politics, but I draw the line at biblical plagues. Okay, cool. Like every American, that was not the answer to my question, and too much information. [audience laughing] I had asked you what your line of work was. What do you do for a living? [woman] I am a travel agent. We actually got 4,000 American citizens out. We arranged flights for each one of them. Well done! Give her a round of applause. That’s well done to you. That’s great, you know? [all clapping] You know, just taking them out of India, where there are very few cases, and sending them to America. [audience laughing] [laughs] Good for you. Taking them from India where hydroxychloroquine costs 20 rupees, to America… where the medical insurance system is not flawed at all to charge you 3,000% of what the medicine actually costs. [woman] But I chose to stay. [man] Paris. [Vir Das] You’re in Paris? How is the situation in Paris? It’s opening up, right? There are no tourists and everywhere is free, so it’s a lot of fun. Don’t act like a f*ckin’ French person and be all egocentric about this shit. That you have a… To say shit like that, you have to have a French accent. [in French accent] “It is lovely, there are no tourists, I can smoke and…” “I can have this existential misery that is so typically French.” [in normal voice] Like, that’s… But you’re like, “No, there are no tourists, we’re liking it very much, Paris is beautiful.” Like, it’s that… You’re too friendly to pull off French smugness, I’m sorry. [woman 1] I’m from Melbourne. Kind of confused as to what I want to do. Okay. I’m moving on. I can’t hear you. I’m sorry. We don’t have this kind of time. A, these tickets don’t cost enough for me to get into therapy with people and shit. This is 4.99 for charity. [woman 2] We’re from Lagos. [Vir Das] You’re in Nigeria right now? What time is it right now in Africa? Those are two thumbs up, but can you tell the time? [chuckles] [all laughing] [woman 3] I’m an anthropologist. All three of us are. F*ckin’ hell! That is, like, the weirdest threesome I’ve ever seen. No. It’s just a strange… I’m just saying… that if the guy on the left developed an alcohol problem, he’d become the guy on the right. You know what I mean, it’s… Maybe I should just do the show like this, haan? Hey, guys. Er… Lockdown’s going really well. [laughs] [inhales] I will clean myself up. I am gonna make some people laugh. [Sharique] Sheesha. [Vir Das] Sheesha is not available to you? I’m staying with a kid, four months old. I cannot bring that home. And your kid does not like doing sheesha? [audience laughing] Sheesha… [Sharique] Definitely not. Sheesha is not a good substitute for a mother’s teat? [laughing] [Sharique] Definitely not. Listen, beta, we’ve got… [laughs] Listen, beta, we’ve got no lactose, but try this apple. [inhales deeply] Cough freely without being conscious that somebody’s gonna judge you. I work for an airline. It’s a good place to be coughing. [all laughing] Are you cabin crew, or do you work in, like, the offices? Er, the office. -All right, great. Working from home. Nice. Because you just don’t want cabin crew like… [coughing] “Veg or non-veg,” coming down the aisle. [audience laughing] [woman] I’ve come from China. I need to go back. So the first thing I need to do is go to the airport, take a flight and go back home. Okay. And when did the mental problem start? [audience laughing] You’re trying to get back into China? They shut borders to the world, like… Wow, that’s like all of their history. [audience laughing] Today is, er… hmm, a bit of a crazy day. I, er… I got featured in a magazine called Q. Much of my idols were on there. Like Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres and Letterman and Chappelle and Chris Rock, etc. I had like a small feature. And… I was reading the bigger features and I saw Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock talking to each other in a café. And they… talked about me. As in, I came up. It wasn’t like they got together… [chuckles] [imitates Chris Rock] “Jerry, we got to talk about Vir.” No. No, that’s… They’re talking about many things and I happen to come up. Jerry Seinfeld told Chris Rock, erm, “I saw this Indian guy, Vir Das.” “Saw some of his stuff. He’s a really funny guy.” Across the world. I’m sitting in… a 100 square-foot room in Bandra. And… in a café in New York… Jerry Seinfeld is telling Chris Rock… that I’m funny. Vir actually turns, er, 36… erm, on Sunday. No, f*ck off, Kavi. -I wanted to sing “Happy Birthday” to him. No, don’t do this shit. Please don’t do this shit. It’s embarrassing. One, two, three. [all singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ It’s my birthday tomorrow. [indistinct singing] In this moment… I feel eight years old. Isha Paliwal, is this your lovely baby in the frame? No, I’m her aunt. Okay, great. That’s somebody else’s baby that you have put on camera without their consent. [all laughing] She’s just your youngest fan. [woman] Aw… I… How am I supposed to communicate with the baby? What do you think is gonna happen right now? Oh, well, she can reply, “Hmm, hmm, hmm…” Great, er… [audience laughing] Hello, baby. Thank you, baby, for watching this Zoom call. And I apologize, baby, for the pandemic that is out there even though you don’t f*ckin’ know what a pandemic is. [audience laughing] It’s not working, Isha. I tried, all right? F*ckin’ hell. This… Like, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. No, no. I’m very sorry. Like, I’m really good on feedback and trying to improve my craft, but this f*ckin’ baby is a bad audience member. All right. That’s what I’m gonna say. This baby is a terrible audience member and does not belong at a stand-up comedy show. [Yuvan] London. You’re in London right now? This is your lovely friend, or… This is my lovely friend. Her name’s Emily. Emily, you guys are seeing each other? Absolutely. Great, and, er, marriage on the cards? Oh, gosh, no. Oh… [all laughing] I’ve never had a breakup on Zoom before. I think this might be my first, guys. This is great. “Oh, f*ck, no.” He couldn’t control it, you know? Emily, you like this Indian man, yeah? Well, not right now, no. [all laughing] Oh, Yuvan, enjoy the other bedroom and/or sofa tonight. So every time I do a show, er, when you open the door, I’m gonna show you what happens. Er… First thing when you open the door. You ready? Hang on. Let me put this viewfinder… This is the door to my study. Every time you open that door… what you see… [chuckles] is the one audience member who has watched… many, many shows. Which one of you is Smarnika, because if… This one. I said that. Because if the three of you are Smarnika, then it’s like one of those OSHO ashram things, you know what I mean? Like you are… “All women are Smarnika.” [all laughing] “You must find your inner Smarnika.” “Release your Smarnika.” Oh. [audience laughing] It’s so strange that, you know, the western sexual revolution throughout history has been driven by Indian men who, back home, nobody wanted to f*ck in the first place. [woman] I’m in Bombay. You’re in Bombay. I wanna have Thai food so I’ll go to Nara Thai. Like, they fry the betel leaf and then there’s this chutney type thing that comes along which is amazing. [laughs] What the… Okay, I’m not gonna pretend to know. What the f*ck is a betel leaf? [man] Paan ka patta. [in Hindi] You should’ve said that. “Woman from Thane.” [all laughing] [in English] “I’ll have a betel leaf.” [laughs] [all laughing] Paan patta. Paan. [audience laughing] [in Hindi] Say, “Paan,” not betel leaf. [in English] I love it, man. I feel… Betel leaf sounds like a safe word during sex, you know what I mean? [audience laughing] You know, couples have safe words, you know? I feel like, she sticks a finger up your ass, you’ll be like, “Betel leaf, betel leaf.” [audience laughing] And when she doesn’t get it, you’re like, “Paan ka patta, paan ka patta. Pull it out.” [audience laughing] Last show. I am, er… leaving tomorrow. [man] Live the same way. Er, Malhar Broker? -Yeah. -Okay, is your last name “Broker”? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs] Are you a broker? Er, no. No, of course, yeah, why would you be? That’s, yeah… Cool. No, my last name is Das and I’m not a servant. It’s okay. [audience laughing] All right. Malhar, what do you do? I’m a baker now. [Vir Das laughing] You’re called Broker Baker? Broker… [audience laughing] [Malhar] Nice name. Broker Baker. You’re just gonna go out and bake more bread for the city of… Mumbai? Ahmedabad. Of Ahmedabad? You’re… You’re in a bakery in Gujarat? Yeah. [audience laughing] I don’t think I have to say it. But I think you know what I’m thinking of. [all laughing] I’m just gonna move on really, really quickly. [man] I don’t know how to go to settings, to get out of privacy thing. [all laughing] Er, so, Uncle, what you do is, you go to the top right. I can’t believe… Ishaan, why do I have to explain technology to your f*ckin’ parents, dude? [audience laughing] Dad, it’s on the top right. “Dad, it’s on the top right.” [man] Son, I did that. I just switched in the start window. Ishaan, he did that shit. [all laughing] [man] This sounds complex. It’s very complex. Ishaan, you should’ve trained your parents better. -I’m just saying, all right? -I know, I know. [Vir Das] What did your mom want? [Aneyant] She wanted to watch it, too. Of course she’s welcome to watch it, don’t be silly. If she wants to sit down and… yeah. Er… Why am I trying to peek like I can see through your… [all laughing] Hi, Aunty. Why am I bending again? Good evening. Your son is learning a lot in this show. Er… Aunty, do you know about the girlfriend? Yeah, I… I have some, erm… You know. [all laughing] This is gonna be a silent f*ckin’ dinner at home, right? “You embarrassed the shit outta me, Mom. In front of that old-ass comedian.” [audience laughing] He’s a sweet kid. He was. [Vir Das] Cole. Nicole, er… Shiflet? Hey, I’m a healthcare worker. You’re a healthcare worker? Round of applause, immediately. Let’s do it, come on, guys. Well done. So is Dr. Sujay Jaju with us this evening? Yes. Are you here, sir? You know, I say that in public all the time, just to get a round of applause. That’s what I do. You’re isolated in Mumbai and you’re watching my show as you’re isolated in Mumbai. [Sujay] Yes, I am. Er, and so, this is your day off? It is. I’m a night shifter. You’re a night shifter. I work in the emergency department. I’m a paramedic. How are you feeling? I’ll begin by asking, how’s your health? Er, it’s improving each day. Like, I had a bit of fever and also stuff… COVID-related complex… But I am doing great. Yeah. You’re a paramedic in the ER? God, so you’ve had a long, I imagine, three months, right? -Yeah. For sure. And I imagine you’ve seen some stuff. Do you know how you got it? Where you got it? [Sujay] Er, actually, I was posted in COVID duty. I was posted in medicine merge for over a month. So, I might have contracted, er, the infection over there. But I know that I’ll come back stronger. Sir, I promise you two things, all right? Well, tonight’s show is entirely dedicated to you. You have my word as an artist that I will make sure it reaches the maximum amount of people that I can make it reach. It is your day off and I’m gonna give every ounce of my being to make sure that you have a good day today. Yeah, it’s definitely not as scary as we think. Actually, it’s been made a lot, er, scarier by the people. We all know the basics of this thing. [Sujay] Yeah. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, touch your balls. Exactly. We all know the… [audience laughing] Obviously. [audience laughing] You’re in isolation. You understand as well, Doctor. [Sujay] Yeah. Thank you for everything you’re doing. Don’t be silly. Look, the entire show is in Hindi. Erm… [audience laughing] I, erm… Erm… Twelve years now, and it takes a lot to surprise me in this profession. We started doing these shows because we had to. For charity. And it was important and… I was a little bit cranky about it because I was like, “I don’t know if this’ll work.” For the first time, I’m looking into my audience’s houses. That’s a very weird thing to happen as an artist, you know, where the soundtrack to my life has been laughter. Every evening, I hear laughter. And I never thought that I would hear this much laughter in a lockdown. For the first time, I can see you, and your life. As opposed to you just coming and seeing me. From… everywhere in the world. So I… I thank you. Because, erm… So it’s really strange. I’ve been performing for you over a decade, but it’s like we’ve just met. You know, this show is for charity and we’ve raised money, and I hope you’ve had a good time as well, but… it is deeply… meaningful to me, to be able to practice my art form in this. You know, it’s not when there’s a cure, it’s when… It’s when you no longer fear death, I, as an artist, get to live again. And that’s very ironic. To wait on that. And not drown. Or get rusty. And the fact that we have a healthcare worker today, I… I don’t think that this could be more perfect to wrap it up, because… This is my last show. Erm… It’s true. ‘Cause we leave Bombay tomorrow. I should… I should show you the room. Why the f*ck not? This is where I’ve lived for the last few… That’s the desk. Erm… It’s kind of a wall with all my posters. That’s my books and my hats. And tomorrow… I hope the universe pays you and every healthcare worker tenfold, ten thousand fold. And thank you for everything that you do. And thank you so much for watching the show tonight, guys. I hope you had a good time. [soft guitar music playing] Bye. [Vir Das] Whatever it is that you want to do when the new world reopens, I hope you get to do it. And I hope you’re safe. In case you were wondering what we did the second the world reopened… Well… [upbeat music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words (2010) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-words-words-words-transcript/

(Cheers and applause) Thank you. (Laughter) When I say hey, you say ho. Hey. Ho! Hey. Ho! That’s basically how Hitler rose to power. (Laughter, soft piano music plays) ♫ My show is a little bit silly ♫ ♫ And a little bit pretentious ♫ ♫ Like Shakespeare’s willie ♫ ♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on ♫ ♫ It’s also a little bit gay ♫ ♫ And a little bit offensive ♫ ♫ Like thanksgiving day ♫ ♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap… On ♫ ♫ So put your cell phones to vibrate ♫ ♫ And put your vibrators to cell-phone mode ♫ ♫ And welcome to the show ♫ ♫ It goes a little bit like this–joke ♫ ♫ Exactly, welcome to my flow ♫ ♫ It flows a little bit like this ♫ ♫ With a rap and a diss ♫ ♫ Then a swift rap on the wrist a rap and a kiss ♫ ♫ Like Hershey’s wrappin’ a kiss, shit ♫ ♫ I got a show that’ll test your kids ♫ ♫ And I’d ask one question, and the question is ♫ ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ ♫ What’s funny ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Humor is often linked to shared experience ♫ ♫ Like a guy gets up and says have you noticed ♫ ♫ That public restrooms have really inefficient hand dryers ♫ ♫ Oh, my god, yes, I have ♫ ♫ Ha ha ha, really good point ♫ ♫ They should fix that ♫ ♫ It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me ♫ ♫ ‘Cause my wife divorced me which subconsciously forced me ♫ ♫ To lose all sense of self ♫ ♫ So it’s nice to think about hand dryers ♫ ♫ And not that cheating whore ♫ ♫ Because stand-up comedy is actually pretty easy ♫ ♫ If you’re an Asian comic just get up and say ♫ ♫ My mother’s got the weirdest f*ckin’ accent ♫ ♫ Then just do a Chinese accent ♫ ♫ ‘Cause everybody laughs at the Chinese accent ♫ ♫ Because they privately thought your people were laughable ♫ ♫ Now you’ve given them the chance ♫ ♫ To express that in public ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah, if you’re a musical comic ♫ ♫ Just give ’em a little weird voice inflection ♫ ♫ Then take a Viagra ♫ ♫ And slap ’em with a rock-hard misdirection ♫ ♫ Oh, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ Tourettes! ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, oh ♫ ♫ And the audience says, when I was a baby ♫ ♫ Maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys ♫ ♫ Now I’m older and bolder and just get mad ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I notice that the keys are to a hummer ♫ ♫ F*ck my life, I don’t f*ck my wife ♫ ♫ So f*ck my wife and f*ck my life ♫ ♫ And my son is gay, but not sitcom gay ♫ ♫ Daughter’s a whore like another girl ♫ ♫ That used to be your mother ♫ ♫ But the marriage made her miss Mary Americana ♫ ♫ I wanna team with that screamin’ prima donna ♫ ♫ But the radical feminists made my wife a man ♫ ♫ Oh, and if I die happy the situation ♫ ♫ Will be autoerotic asphyxiation ♫ ♫ I hate my life and it hates me back ♫ ♫ And my friend is black ♫ ♫ But I don’t know what to call him ♫ ♫ So I just call him ♫ “What up, Jamal?” (Laughter) ♫ Even though his name is Steve ♫ ♫ I hate my job, I hate my life ♫ ♫ Hate my kids, I hate my wife ♫ ♫ Jews don’t I know I do it, Judas beat me to it ♫ ♫ I’m slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma ♫ ♫ And I masturbate ’cause I’m the only one ♫ ♫ Whose standards are low enough to f*ck me ♫ (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫ (Pops) it’s a boy. ♫ What’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫ ♫ Funny, yeah ♫ ♫ Hopefully this ♫ (plays finale) (Raspberry) Thank you. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin’ bitch all the time. (Laughter) But you know, they say if you wanna know what a girl’s gonna look like, look at her mother, you know, so I’m so glad I broke up with her, ’cause she would’ve been, you know… Dead. (Laughter and groaning) (Woman) I want your baby! I’m keeping him. Guys, I’m a realist! I’m a realist. I try not to romanticize reality. You know, like when life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons. But at the same time, I don’t deny the beauty in the world ’cause there is so much beauty, because life Can be so symmetrical, it gives birth to this almost silent poetry, you know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar, or a young amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs on his birthday cake, or a girl–a girl who’s terrible at grammar saying, “mama, you raised me good.” And then being pushed down a well. Symmetry. Here’s some racial humor for you. White people are like this– “eh.” Black people are like this– “wha.” We’re destined to fight forever. Blood in the streets. (Laughter) If I had a dime–ha! If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say, “no.” (Laughter) No. Nope. Yo’ mama so fat! Yo’ mama so ugly! Yo’ mama so stupid! Your mother’s breasts sag with such severity that the late great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks. (Laughter and applause) Um, thank you. I–I believe– I believe firmly that women are always right. (Cheers and applause) I do. I do. Oh, I should rephrase that. I, uh… Don’t. ♫ Men and women ♫ This song is called “men and women”! ♫ Men are like vows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they’re easily broken ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Women are like cows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they both have vaginas ♫ ♫ Men are like muzzles ♫ ♫ Because they’ll try to shut you up ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Women are like puzzles ♫ ♫ ‘Cause prior to 1920, neither had the right to vote ♫ ♫ Puzzles still don’t ♫ ♫ Oh, a man is an eagle ♫ ♫ Yeah, a woman is a dove ♫ ♫ Women can fake orgasms ♫ ♫ But men can fake love ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ Women are like fingers and toes ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they’re easy to count on ♫ (Audience aws) It’s cute. (Laughter) ♫ Men are like ravens and crows ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they hate using condoms ♫ (Laughter and applause) What? ♫ Women are like Yahtzees, oh, yeah ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I rarely get them ♫ I don’t. ♫ Men are like Nazis ♫ ♫ ‘Cause they both caused the holocaust ♫ It’s true. ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ For every dollar that a man makes ♫ ♫ A woman makes 70 cents ♫ ♫ That doesn’t make sense, that’s not fair ♫ ♫ The man’s only left with 30 ♫ ♫ Men and women ♫ ♫ Oh, men and women, it’s black and white ♫ ♫ With an area of gray for hermaphrodite ♫ ♫ Oh, yeah ♫ ♫ Oh, well, yeah ♫ ♫ Male strippers ♫ ♫ Always look like they’re applying lotion ♫ ♫ And female strippers when they’re dancing on the pole ♫ ♫ Just look like ♫ ♫ Confused firemen ♫ Thanks. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. (Man) Pick that wedge! (Mocking laugh) (Laughter) (Audience member wolf whistles) I’m 19 years old. I’m a young comedian. I hate that term “young comedian.” I prefer “prodigy.” And people pigeonhole me, you know, as a comic, which is so disingenuous. ‘Cause I’m not a comedian. I’m an artist. And I don’t do comedy shows. I do one-man shows. I’ve been doing them– 1998 was my first one-man show. It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany called “Under the Floorboards.” (Light laughter) No, no, no, watch and then judge. This is a scene from “under the floorboards.” (Clears throat) Hey. Shh! Then in ’99– (laughter and applause) ’99, I did a piece called “the catholic orgasm.” I’ll do a scene from that. (Moans, sobs) 2000…um… 2000, I did a piece called “the inappropriate musician.” Mike… Mike, back off the ledge, Mike. Mike, think about your kids. You want them to grow up without a father? Is that what you want, Mike? Mike, please, listen to me! I’m your friend! Mike! Mike, no, mike! No, Mike! (Plays descending note) (Plays ascending note) He’s saved. And then in, um, 2001, I did John Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath,” except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexual predator called “The Rapes of Grath.” (Laughter) 2002, I did a piece– if you’re familiar with the piece “the elephant man” I did a piece based off that called “bulldog man” and I’ll do a monologue from that right now. (Laughter) 2000, Uh… (Cheers and applause) 2000–Thank you. That was a good one. I got a danza nomination for that. It’s right after the Tonys. 2000– 2003 I did a piece called “the native American in the magic show.” How? (Laughter) 2004, I did a piece called “Smeagol from Lord of the Rings having sex with a black girl. (Imitates Gollum) Oh! Precious. (Laughter and applause) Two thou… 2005, I did a piece called “Charlie brown getting molested.” (Clears throat) What are you doing? Hello, is anybody here? (Imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech) What are you doing? Let go of me! What are you doing?! (Rhythmically imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech) Good grief! So, 2000, um.. (Cheers and applause) Thank you. Yeah. That was a good one. 2005, 6? 5? Doesn’t matter. I’m lying. 2000– (Laughter) 2006, I did a piece called “the figure skater’s father.” My son? What does he do? He’s a, uh… He’s an athlete. What kind of athlete? He’s a, uh… He’s a f– He a– He’s a f– (Women scream) 2000… (Laughter) 2007, I did a piece called “the juggler’s wife.” “Please stop juggling!” 2008… I did a dark piece that caused a lot of controversy because I played a slave in the 1780s, but I didn’t wear makeup, ’cause as an artist, I feel I’m qualified to tell any story. And it was a piece called “whiplashes,” and it’s raw, hard art, so if you’re averse to that, you might want to look away. But this is the climactic scene from “whiplashes.” You’ll have to answer to god for this. (Imitates whip crack) Ow. (Laughter) You’re a dick. And then, um… 2009, Which is the final piece before the piece I’m doing currently, um… I did a really emotional piece. It means a lot to me, so forgive me if I break down, but it’s called the “the boy and his dog.” It goes like this. Get out of here, all right? Go, please. I can’t afford to keep you anymore, I just can’t. Just…don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just–I hate you. Is that what you need to hear from me? I hate you, okay? I hate you. (Voice breaks) I hate you! And it’s just not me. My dog hates Mexicans, too. (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) Oh, god. Gotta love irony. I, um… I believe in the zodiac. I do, I do, completely. I’m a Leo. I love “Titanic.” But this is something a little bit morbidly ironic. My grandmother, she was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab. (Laughter) This is a song about the idea of irony. So strap in. (Lively piano music plays) ♫ My dog’s stomach was very upset ♫ ♫ So I put him in the car, and we went to the vet ♫ ♫ And on our way to the vet ♫ ♫ I killed a cat ♫ ♫ Hey, I said isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ I adopted a child from overseas ♫ ♫ To rescue him from child-labor factories ♫ ♫ And on his very first birthday ♫ ♫ We went to build-a-bear workshop ♫ ♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ Water park is burned to the ground ♫ ♫ And a tow truck has broken down ♫ ♫ I always used to cry when I laughed ♫ ♫ And then I was raped by a clown ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Isn’t– ♫ ♫ I was watching Al Gore on CNN ♫ ♫ He was talking and talking and talking and then ♫ ♫ Out of boredom my pet polar bear shot himself ♫ ♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫ ♫ I dated an animal rights activist ♫ ♫ And one day she got really pissed ♫ ♫ Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in pita bread ♫ Peta? F*ck it. (Laughter) ♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c? ♫ ♫ Yeah, I’m a stand-up comic ♫ ♫ And I always sit and slouch ♫ ♫ And I got my girlfriend pregnant ♫ ♫ On my sterile uncle’s pull-out couch ♫ (Chuckles) ♫ Isn’t it ironic? I-r-o-n-i-c ♫ ♫ Yeah, if every day you play the board game Risk ♫ ♫ You’ve probably never taken a risk in your life ♫ ♫ And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold ♫ ♫ On the board game market ♫ ♫ A little kid died from suffocation ♫ ♫ When he choked on a game piece from operation ♫ ♫ And I can’t grow a beard ♫ ♫ That one’s not ironic ♫ ♫ That one’s just sad ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Yeah, Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant ♫ (Laughter) ♫ My grandfather had Alzheimer’s ♫ ♫ And one day, we were ♫ (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) (Man) Take it off, big boy! Thank you, it’s a medium. Um… (Laughter) We live in a binary reality. We do. It’s a world of black and white. There’s only two types of people in this world, you know, those who can finish lists… What is art? What is art? Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers? Could be. What is an artist? What makes a great artist, great artists like myself, like the great director Michael Bay. Like the great Irish actor, Shaquille O’Neal. We ask questions, you know? Questions nobody else dares to ask. Questions like… Where are all the sour patch parents? Questions like if Mickey’s a mouse and Minnie’s a mouse, and Donald’s a duck, and Daisy and Goofy, if they’re all animals, and they can talk, why is Pluto just a f*ckin’ dog? Why–did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped dude as pet? I’m not making light of it. That’s f*cked up. How does it fit into that universe, that paradigm? Goofy’s a dog. He’s talking. This one, crawling around. (Laughter) Guys, I would never bash Disney. I would never bash Disney. I think Disney teaches young kids such important lessons. The princess fairy tales teach young girls such important lessons. You know, like Cinderella, it doesn’t matter where you come from or how poor you are as long as you’re incredibly hot. (Laughter) Snow white, you know, which encourages children to, you know, give midgets nicknames. Sleeping beauty, you know, which encourages, uh… date rape. Maybe not– maybe not that one. I was doing a show recently on the border of Hannah, Montana, and South Dakota Fanning. And a guy came up to me after the show, and said, “Bo, why don’t you ever tell stories about people coming up to you after the show?” And I said, “’cause they’re never funny.” (Light laughter) (Man) I would f*ck you. (Mocking laugh) this is a listening show. (Laughter) um… (Light applause) Yeah. Be quiet, America doesn’t want to hear you clap. Do it, though, when I need it. (Scattered clapping) when I need it! (Laughter) I’ve always wanted a black girlfriend, not as joke, just ’cause like, then when we 69, I can call it “yin yanging.” (Audience groans, applause) guys, see– Easy, look, it’s 21st-century racism. It’s racism in light of itself. The only reason I’m making these claims is because the stigmas about race are already there and I’m just playing off that. ‘Cause I think racism itself is so ridiculous, and they understand that, so if after the show, you see a black guy beating me up, he’s doing it ironically. Okay? (Audience members shouting) (Laughter) (Woman) I’ll sleep with you! (Laughter) (Woman) we all will! (Audience members shouting) Ya done? (Laughter) Of course all the women that said that were in the dark. I, um… (Laughter) No, I bet you’re gorgeous in the dark. Um… Okay. (Slow piano music plays) (Tempo increases) ♫ I’m a feminine Eminem ♫ ♫ A slim shady lady but nice ’cause I texted Haiti ♫ ♫ 90 Lady cops in the road ♫ ♫ And I’m arrested for doin’ 80 ♫ ♫ Like hamlet, I’m about words, words, words ♫ ♫ Divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds ♫ ♫ I’m a gay sea otter ♫ ♫ I blow other dudes out of the water ♫ ♫ I’m the man-muffin divin’ muffin, ♫ ♫ Cold and fly like an arctic puffin’ ♫ ♫ Puffin’ wacky-tobaccy ♫ ♫ Hatin’ other rappers like I’m huggin’ Pataki ♫ ♫ And I’ve been rockin’ this mic before electricity ♫ ♫ Way back in 1,000 B.C.E. ♫ ♫ That’s before the comin’ era– ♫ (Imitates record scratching) ♫ Oh, god, can’t be stopped ♫ ♫ Flow so sick that it should be mopped up ♫ ♫ Chick’s got a Dixie cup ♫ ♫ I got a dick full of helium, I’ll f*ck you up ♫ ♫ A boy, a girl, a middle-aged bitch ♫ ♫ Botox in the third person ♫ ♫ I gave the perspective a switch and ♫ ♫ Botox in the third person ♫ ♫ Oh, just relax ♫ ♫ If you want to know me here’s two facts ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Said I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ Yeah! ♫ Met a girl named Macy ♫ ♫ I had sex with her all day ♫ ♫ But she was dyslexic ♫ ♫ So I ended up doing the YMCA ♫ ♫ We ball in Asian ♫ ♫ We bowl in prostate cancer semicolon ♫ ♫ Find that hole like I’m Stephen Hawking ♫ ♫ Atticus finch, killing, mocking ♫ ♫ Cry like a child would ♫ ♫ You raped my childhood ♫ ♫ Just strollin’, rollin’ your pole in ♫ ♫ To roly-polly olly’s colon ♫ ♫ To relax the mind ♫ ♫ I take a walk by the clock, and I pass the time ♫ ♫ And rhymin’ mathematical timing ♫ ♫ Syntax impacts the intact timin’ ♫ ♫ I’m an internet provider ♫ ♫ Came from the web like a horny spider ♫ ♫ Kissed a girl in an apple orchard ♫ ♫ Then slipped in cider ♫ (“inside her”) ♫ I thought aids was a butt virus ♫ ♫ Like conjunction junction conjunctivitis ♫ ♫ I spit gold bars ’cause I was molested by my uncle Midas ♫ ♫ Gay dads blow pops, another sucker ♫ ♫ Oedipus was the first mother f*cker ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ Hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ We the people of USA ♫ ♫ Jose, we’re not talking to you, esse ♫ ♫ We got a border in order to keep you out ♫ ♫ It’s what my nyu essay is about ♫ ♫ ‘Cause we’re south of heaven, north of hell ♫ ♫ Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, sell ♫ ♫ We guard the border and we guard it well ♫ ♫ But some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell ♫ ♫ Did I say liberty? I meant taco, paco ♫ ♫ Hey, you better let that rock go ♫ ♫ ‘Cause in real life, goliath wins ♫ ♫ Sells all the silk that the widow spins ♫ ♫ Yeah, one more time ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫ ♫ Said a hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫ ♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫ ♫ And I’m a hy-y-pocrite ♫ Yeah. ♫ Bitches and hoes, Bo’s hoes ♫ ♫ Yeah, bitches and hoes ♫ ♫ Yeah, I said bitches, hoes ♫ ♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫ ♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫ ♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫ ♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫ ♫ So take your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ Oh, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take your bras and burn ’em ♫ (cheers and applause) ♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫ ♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫ ♫ Burn ’em, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫ (Cheers and applause) What the f*ck? (Laughter) Let us pray. Don’t feel like you can’t participate, by the way, if you’re not Christian, ’cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so… Dear Jesus of Nazareth… (Laughter) First of all, I’d like to thank you for calling yourself Jesus of Nazareth. It’s sort of like the lord of the rings or something. “I am Jesus of Nazareth, son of Orflek, the butcher.” We know, lord, that you so loved the world from John 3:16, You so loved the world that you sent your only son To die for us, your only son, but at the same time, We’re all your children, so in your eyes, We’re a bunch of girls. (Laughter) So help us as we struggle With the temptations of lesbianism, amen. I, uh… People come to me all the time– all the time, they say the same thing, you know, “Bo, you’re an artist. How do we fix Africa?” (Laughter) I read recently that there are over 22 million people living with HIV aids in Sub-Saharan Africa. Yeah. It was a snapple fact. How do we fix it? How do we fix it? This. Because laughter… Laughter is the best medicine, you know, besides medicine. You guys like impressions? (Cheers and applause) (Clears throat) why? That was Socrates. We’ve done a lot of laughing– lot of laughing. Great for a comedy show. Hey, break the fourth wall. Ma’am. Fifth wall–ma’am at home. We’ve done a lot of– we’ve done a lot of laughing. But we haven’t done a lot of thinking. And I’d like to do that now, and what better to stop comic inertia than a little bit of poetic friction? I’ve written some haikus. Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, 3 Lines, 5, 7, 5. I find them to have a certain clearness in their cogency, sort of a soundness in their simplicity, if you will. So what we’ll do now hopefully is read these haikus, think for a little bit, and then we’ll go back to the jokes and the laughing and we’ll have benefited from the time we took to think. So if could just, you know, put up with these, think for a bit, hopefully, and then we’ll go back to the jokes, but these are my haikus. I saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died. F*cking lesbian. (Triangle dings, laughter) For 15 cents a day, you can feed an African. They eat pennies. (Triangle dings, laughter) Old people’s skin sags because it is being pulled towards the underworld. (Triangle dings, laughter) missed that. A kid insulted my mother so I said, “Your mama is so black!” (Triangle dings, laughter) “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Said the rapist. (Triangle dings, laughter) My aunt used to say, “slow and steady wins the race.” She died in a fire. (Triangle dings, laughter) Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones or masturbate in the daytime. (Triangle dings, laughter) It’s true. Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person. (Triangle dings, laughter) And finally… Bono, if you wanna help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you c*nt. (Triangle dings, cheers and applause) Thank you, this next piece– this next piece is called “sonnet 155” or “if Shakespeare had written a porn.” And it goes like this. I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs As I removed my source of Grecian power. As if king Midas dared to touch the skies, Upon thy body fell a golden shower. (Audience groans) Thy body’s temple’s two church bells had rung. Upon thy chest, a roll of pearls bestowed. The sun had set, thy set with weary hung. I thought, how black a night, and blew a load. (Audience groans) I said what light through yonder beaver breaks? It is the yeast. (Audience groans, scattered cheering) And now my belly’s yellow. My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes, But ’tis not massive, I am no Othello. And when that final moment came to pass, Like Christ, I came a-riding on an ass. Thank you very much. (Cheers and applause) Thank you, William Shakespeare… William Shakespeare was a verbal contortionist. He can bend his words the way a contortionist bends his frame, and I would hope that he could with a name like William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare– some of you seem lost. Look, say your name was Robert Frost, and you couldn’t write, that would suck. Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby Frost and own an ice cream truck. He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, six at a time and rhyme into the very last line of a soliloquy which finally said outright what the previous 77 we’re only hinting at. He had puns and quips and tons of trips with sons with ships, with nuns with hips and buns and lips, but I have something that Shakespeare never had. Penicillin. (Laughter) See, it hadn’t been invented yet. Back then, they only had quillicillin, hey-oh! Sorry, it’s not that hard, bard. I’m sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William. So if you could just listen up here and listen to this theater queer’s theater query here and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life. Say Van Gogh and, “lend me your ear.” You’re not a writer. You’re a writer like Hulk Hogan’s a street fighter. You write these dramas, you accumulate your wealth, you hold nature as t’were mirror of yourself. Just ’cause you’re messed up doesn’t mean we are, too. Just ’cause you wanna bang your mom doesn’t mean that Danish princes do. What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare. Yeah, that’s right. The young prince whose father died at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied. Sound familiar? It’s the f*cking “Lion King”! (Laughter and applause) You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche. What’s next, the story of a French king on a quest to find his lost son Nemo? (Laughter) Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f*cking sense make. (Laughter) “To be or not to be?” That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them, to die… To sleep no more, and by a sleep, to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream. Aye, there’s the rub, for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil? Must give us pause. (Scoffs) like, what? (Laughter) This next song is about quantum mechanics. This next song– (Laughter) I was raised very well, you know, like a field of corn. I was also raised very Christian, like the children of the corn. And Christians get angry at me, they do, because I say things like, “Why the long nose, pope-nocchio?” They think I’ll gonna go to hell. Truth is, I’ve been to Christian hell, and I wrote a song about it. ♫ Hitler was there, and so were all the Jews ♫ ♫ Yeah, so it got a little awkward ♫ (Laughter) I was surrounded by Catholicism at a young age and I was also in a garage band for 20 minutes. This is the product of that. Hit it. (Electronic music plays) (Laughter) (Violin riff plays) (Cheers and applause) ♫ All the seats at the Sunday mass is ♫ ♫ Filled with the masses’ mass of asses ♫ ♫ Classes pass as fast as molasses ♫ ♫ Ceremonial reading glasses ♫ ♫ Read a little bit of Leviticus ♫ ♫ All the kids are a little too little for this ♫ ♫ All the parents nod in agreement ♫ ♫ “I think I can vaguely see what he meant” ♫ ♫ It’s too early in the morning glory ♫ ♫ To read another allegory story ♫ ♫ The father reads a little bit farther ♫ ♫ Assuring the assured that they need not bother ♫ ♫ When god, in verse 45 ♫ ♫ Said that slaves are okay to buy ♫ ♫ He meant that people all from the start ♫ ♫ Each have slaves within their hearts ♫ ♫ Things that we have sold or bought ♫ ♫ And then are forced to pick our moral cotton ♫ ♫ God calls us to set these free ♫ ♫ Free our hearts from slavery ♫ ♫ And then as god goes on to explain ♫ ♫ The logistics of buying and selling slaves ♫ (Music stops) He was messin’ around. He’s–he– Jesus is sort of like– (Music continues) ♫ In the back, I sit and I nod ♫ ♫ To the beats that are bumpin’ from my iPod ♫ ♫ My god, they’re starting to pray ♫ ♫ And over the music, I can hear them say ♫ ♫ Dear god, dear lord ♫ ♫ Dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword ♫ ♫ Dear good all-seeing being ♫ ♫ My way or the highway Yahweh ♫ ♫ The blue-balled anti-masturbator ♫ ♫ The great all-loving faggot hater ♫ ♫ I like to thank your holy might ♫ ♫ For making me both rich and white ♫ ♫ And though this is your day of rest ♫ ♫ I come to you with one request ♫ ♫ There’s so much pain beyond this steeple ♫ ♫ Wars and drugs and homeless people ♫ ♫ Sadness where there should be joy ♫ ♫ Hate and rape and soulja boy ♫ ♫ A world in darkness needs your light ♫ ♫ So I’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight ♫ But my dog just had leg surgery. If you could fix that first? Jesus? ♫ Debra messing’s fingers in a holy place ♫ ♫ Hail Mary full of grace ♫ ♫ Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope? ♫ ♫ I know a couple dudes who want to elope ♫ ♫ See, the church said nope, so the bros can’t cope ♫ ♫ Bros can grope, but the bros can’t cope ♫ ♫ They’ve been in love and they’ve been addicted ♫ ♫ Who said they shouldn’t? Benedict did ♫ ♫ ‘Cause in the holy land of the lord ♫ ♫ He’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted ♫ ♫ ‘Cause you can be a benedict ♫ ♫ If you bend a dick under benedict ♫ ♫ But you can’t have benedicts ♫ ♫ Because there’s only one pope with only one dick, what? ♫ ♫ Yeah, a dick on a pope is ♫ ♫ Just like a soap on rope ♫ ♫ ‘Cause it’s pointless unless in prison ♫ ♫ Throw up your bibles, Christ has risen ♫ ♫ Hallelujah, now it’s raining men ♫ ♫ Because the gender ratio’s one-to-ten ♫ ♫ Winos at the eucharist station ♫ ♫ Transgendered substantiation ♫ ♫ Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back ♫ ♫ I’m a heretic, and I’m on fire ♫ ♫ It was Oedipus, those holy knights ♫ ♫ The holy mother f*ckin’ Christ ♫ ♫ I’m a blasphemer post-Katrina cruisin’ the marina ♫ ♫ On a crusade to cruise aids and blast fema ♫ ♫ You’re too late, we’re f*cked, we don’t need you, amen ♫ ♫ In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost ♫ ♫ Head, shoulders, knees and toes ♫ ♫ Turn up your nose, strike that pose ♫ ♫ Hey macarena ♫ (Record scratch, cheers and applause) I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those sort of worked out. I’d like to try to do both, though now in a bit that I call “theoretical dick jokes.” Goes like this. (Laughter) My penis is so small I often have trouble finding it because it’s so gratefully influenced by quantum mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space-time. And when I’m having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it’s moving ’cause it’s small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. I’ve got an eating disorder. Yeah, more like nutritional entropy. So… (Light laughter) Never said I was funny, okay? So stop staring at me. Segues are weird. How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy, like, 12? I have a cousin who is 18, yeah. Still believes in gay marriage. It’s like… (Laughter) I know what you guys are thinking– “Oh, Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects. You know, “is there anything off-limits, anything you don’t find funny, anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?” And the truth is, there is. White people. (Laughter) (Cheers and applause) I think we’ve been through enough. (Laughter) I find numbers to be fascinating and more specifically than numbers, I find statistics to be particularly enlightening, thought-provoking even. I’ve gathered some here. These are all 100% true. When you leave this theater and enter the world devoid of art, you can check these, and they will come back ’cause they are true. I don’t want them to blow your mind, but maybe you’ll hear one of these and go, “Oh, my god, never thought of that.” So these are my statistics. (Clears throat) (Light laughter) Approximately 33.33% Of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes. (Laughter) One out of every four kids with the initials A.D.D. Actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. Have an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn’t just shut the f*ck up and take her husband’s last name. Here’s a fun one. One of the every 44 U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Fillmore, you racists. The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes. (Audience groans) It’s a fact! I’m not making light of it. It’s numbers. (Laughter) All right, you guys are offended by that one, you’re definitely gonna be offended by the next one. But you have to understand something– I am, too. I think this is f*cked up. .27% of all Jenga Games are played on 9/11. Now– (audience groans) It’s f*cked up! Stop playing Jenga on 9/11. Stop it. Stop it. Stop playing Jenga… (Laughter) That was awkward. This next one blew my mind. Blew my mind. And you’re not gonna believe this when you hear it. But go home, check it. I swear to god it’s true. The average person… has one fallopian tube. (Laughter) The average penis length is 5 1/2 inches. And finally, the average penis length of a man who googles “average penis length” is 3 1/2 inches. Thank you. (Cheers and applause) Yeah, Bo! Yeah, Bo! (Audience members shouting) Yeah. Thank you. I went to the movies the other day because I went to see the 20th anniversary of Schindler’s List in 3-d. (Rimshot) And I went into the girls’ bathroom to look for my camera. (Rimshot) And I saw a container that said “sanitary napkins only.” Ladies… (Drumroll) Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! That’s a joke! (Laughter and applause) (Laughter) This song– This song isn’t funny at all, but it helps me sleep at night. ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ Entertainers like to seem complicated ♫ ♫ But we’re not complicated ♫ ♫ I can explain it pretty easily ♫ ♫ Have you ever been to a birthday party for children ♫ ♫ And one of the children won’t stop screaming ♫ ♫ ‘Cause he’s just a little attention-attractor ♫ ♫ When he grows up to be a comic or actor ♫ ♫ He’ll be rewarded for never maturing ♫ ♫ For never understanding or learning ♫ ♫ That every day can’t be about him ♫ ♫ There’s other people, you selfish asshole ♫ ♫ I must be psychotic, I must be demented ♫ ♫ To think that I’m worthy of all this attention ♫ ♫ Of all of this money you worked really hard for ♫ ♫ I slept in late while you worked at the drugstore ♫ ♫ My drug’s attention, I am an addict ♫ ♫ But I get paid to indulge in my habit ♫ ♫ It’s all an illusion, I’m wearing make-up ♫ ♫ I’m wearing make-up, make-up, make-up, make-up ♫ ♫ Art is dead ♫ ♫ So people think you’re funny ♫ ♫ How do we get those people’s money? ♫ ♫ I said art is dead ♫ ♫ We’re rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave ♫ ♫ His grave ♫ ♫ His grave ♫ ♫ I said the show has got a budget ♫ ♫ The show has got a budget ♫ ♫ And all the poor people way more deserving ♫ ♫ Of the money won’t budge it ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I wanted my name in lights ♫ ♫ When I could have fed a family of four ♫ ♫ For 40 f*cking fortnights ♫ ♫ 40 F*cking fortnights ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, god, forgive me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, don’t revere me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, please, don’t respect me ♫ ♫ I am an artist, feel free to correct me ♫ ♫ A self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist ♫ ♫ I am an artist, I am an artist ♫ ♫ But I’m just a kid, I’m just a kid ♫ ♫ I’m just a kid, kid, and maybe I’ll grow out of it ♫ (Cheers and applause) Old comics– older comics from, like, the ’80s and the ’70s, they think that my act is hacky because it relies on music and other things, and they’re such comedy purists, and they don’t think my comedy can stand on its own, Which isn’t true because, right, I am a comedy purist at heart, and I can do comedy without the gimmicks. And it can still be good. I’ll show you that right now. What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names. (Laughter and applause) I’m not a traditional stand-up, um, but I’d like to be. I love traditional stand-up comedy, and a lot of my heroes are traditional stand-up comics, and I’ve been watching a lot of it, and I think I’ve sort of figured out the trick to it. So I’ll give you my traditional stand-up act now. It’s in its infancy so please be gentle. Uh… My wife, right? (Laughter) We never have sex, like, ever, which is funny. Something else is I never know what she’s saying. You know, she’ll say something, and I’ll be, like… something else is, she’s, like, constantly emasculating me, and I’m making her resent herself for getting older, so we’re looking into a divorce, which is funny. Something else is she can’t drive. The only thing she can drive is drive me crazy! You know, when she back-talks, I hit her. (Laughter) I hope you all enjoyed the show. Thank you so much for coming, and if you didn’t, you know… When life gets you down… Make a comforter. (Laughter) I feel like hip-hop… Used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know? And now it’s become, at least in the mainstream, a symbol of misogyny… Gay panic… Fiscal irresponsibility, you know? So I figure… If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. ♫ Hittin’ the club up V.I.P. ♫ ♫ I’ve got a fake mustache and a fake I.D. ♫ ♫ I look like wooly willy with a really wooly willy ♫ ♫ And I bypass the bouncer ♫ ♫ Pass by an ex, and I flex and bounce her, wowser ♫ ♫ Look at all of Bo’s hoes ♫ ♫ Looking for a ride on Bo’s hose ♫ ♫ And I spot a little Latino ♫ ♫ Booty so big, call it Oprah’s ego ♫ ♫ We go do it through it ♫ ♫ She says, “dios mio, mi amigo” ♫ ♫ When we were done, she said, “heh, imma aya” ♫ ♫ Swallow, bitch, there’s people starvin’ in Africa ♫ (Laughter) ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were gay, though I swear I’m straight ♫ ♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ You’re an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top ♫ ♫ But careful, cherry, ’cause I’m the king of pop ♫ ♫ Pop, pop goes the weasel ♫ ♫ Have you lookin’ like Jackson Pollack’s easel ♫ ♫ Yeah, my suggestion is ♫ ♫ You don’t blow till you know what congestion is ♫ ♫ Swallow when you know what digestion is ♫ ♫ Follow Bo, the only question is ♫ ♫ Have you been splattered before ♫ ♫ By the mad hatter matador ♫ ♫ Cake batter nevermore ♫ ♫ It don’t matter whether you’re ♫ ♫ Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian ♫ ♫ I’ll slime you so hard you could be on nickelodeon ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were gay ♫ ♫ Though I swear I’m straight ♫ ♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫ (Scattered shouting) ♫ Oh, Bo, I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫ ♫ You think that you can handle me ♫ ♫ Girl, don’t make me laugh ♫ ♫ My junk is bipolar, it’ll split you in half ♫ ♫ I said, and if you’re lucky ♫ ♫ I might just bring you home, and I’ll have you going down ♫ ♫ Like you’re growing an extra chromosome ♫ ♫ And when you love me, don’t grab me by my buns ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I got a bad case of the ru-u-ns ♫ ♫ I got the runs ♫ ♫ I got the ru-uh-uh- oh, oh ♫ ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make the single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫ ♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫ (Music softens) Like to break it down for y’all. I came from the streets with nothing. (Light laughter) Now I’m making hit records. For my people still living in the streets, Still living in poverty, I wanna tell you, I’m doing this for you. My success… Is your success. And you may be thinking, “hey, if you really believe that, “Why don’t you use some of your money “To help rebuild the neighborhood Instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jetski?” (Laughter) And to that I say… Uh-oh, chorus is coming up. ♫ Single every single day ♫ ♫ Do it every single way ♫ ♫ Make those single ladies say ♫ ♫ Oh, Bo ♫ ♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫ ♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫ ♫ You got a fume like a tuna ♫ ♫ I’ll smell you later ♫ ♫ I met a fat chick and I f*cked her in an elevator ♫ ♫ It was wrong on so many levels ♫ (Laughter) ♫ ‘Cause I said it was wrong on so many levels ♫ ♫ I said it was wrong on ♫ (Cheers and applause) Oh… Okay. ♫ I don’t know if all boy scouts are gay ♫ ♫ They could probably tie the knot ♫ (cheers and applause) ♫ In like fifty different– ♫ I’m dying inside! ♫ I got a safe full of cherries ’cause I pop it and lock it ♫ ♫ A girl’s like a fridge, once a week you should stalk it ♫ ♫If your into rimmin, it’s only safe if your swimmin’ ♫ ♫ Girl, don’t sit on that couch ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I treat my objects like women ♫ ♫ I spit fire like I just blew a demon ♫ ♫ My shit’s so hot I’ll leave your toilet bowl steamin’ ♫ ♫ I’m gonna tear it like the cards of the gypsies ♫ ♫ You’ll bleed for so long you’ll get monthly ellipses ♫ ♫ If your pants are loose, I’ll replete ya ♫ ♫ You’re a first time vegan, and it’s nice to meet ya ♫ ♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ ♫ I’m a real g that can really find your g spot ♫ (audience clapping to beat) ♫ Oh, yeah, you’re not a f*cking metronome ♫ (Laughter and applause) Yeah. ♫ Go to a vagina orchard, count 1, 2, 3 ♫ ♫ Spin that plant around, you got a third world country ♫ ♫ No, that’s right, consider yourself warned ♫ ♫ I’m offensive and creative like handicapped porn ♫ ♫ You’re playing with your breasts ♫ ♫ Excuse me, can I try it ma’am? ♫ ♫ Your pushin’ ’em together like a titty Venn diagram ♫ ♫ Look at that crack, excuse me can I buy a gram? ♫ ♫ Right below your diaphragm, ass looks like your hidin’ ham ♫ ♫ First base, were making out ♫ ♫ Mother f*cker, second base, I’m getting faked out, yo ♫ ♫Third base, I’m getting take-out ♫ ♫ And I try to take it home if I knew I’d take it out ♫ ♫ But I just don’t know I said I just don’t care ♫ ♫ My flow’s so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear ♫ ♫ And you can spell and smell my stink ♫ ♫ ‘Cause B.O. lingers and it makes you think ♫ ♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ I’m bad at sex. Get it? (Laughter and applause) Yeah, what? ♫ ‘Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin’ Bo nuts ♫ ♫ I can make ’em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze ♫ ♫ I’m like Doug’s friend Skeeter whenever I meet her ♫ (Audience singing) ♫ ’cause I skeet her so hard ♫ ♫ People call her patty mayonnaise ♫ Yeah, that’s sad. (Cheers and applause) ♫ Yeah, what, uh ♫ ♫ Yeah, ’cause there’s an inverse relationship ♫ ♫ Between respect and sects ♫ ♫ I’m talking about religious sects like a Mormon sect ♫ ♫ That says you can’t have sex ♫ ♫ With members of different sects ♫ ♫ But you can’t have sex with members of the same sex ♫ ♫ The sects can’t be different, sex can’t be same ♫ ♫ The only sex left is some left-hand shame ♫ ♫ Girl, I left you ’cause you left the game ♫ ♫ And if that don’t feel right then you can write my name ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ ♫ Oh, gee ♫ (Cheers and applause) ♫ My junks so long that it hangs and swings ♫ ♫ At the nude beach people think I’m lookin’ for lost rings ♫ ♫ Play the skin flute, your big boy sings ♫ If you want to take it all wear African neck rings. ‘Cause, like, man. (Laughter) ♫ Haters call me gay, but that ain’t hatin’ ♫ ♫ ‘Cause I’m not homophobic, my morals are straight ♫ ♫ And if I’m in the closet then you are below me ♫ ♫ Takin’ the b-a-t out of “basement,” homey ♫ Spells “semen.” ♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, and I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫ ♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫ ♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫ ♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫ This song’s gonna end really awkwardly. Thank you. I’ll do one– Thank you guys so much for coming. I hope you have a great night, and you’re the best. See you, Boston! Whoa, Boston! Red sox. (Cheers and applause) Go, Mo Vaughn. (Scattered cheers) ♫ I love you like kings love queens ♫ ♫ Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes ♫ ♫ I need you like New Orleans needs a drought ♫ ♫ Like Hitler’s father needed to learn to pull out ♫ ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like a lawyer/mathematician wants some kind of proof ♫ ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like JFK wanted ♫ ♫ A car with a roof ♫ Is he here? ♫ Because love is taking a dive ♫ ♫ Then getting really comfortable ♫ ♫ And peeing in the pool ♫ ♫ And love is a real-life porn ♫ ♫ Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool ♫ ♫ And love is a homeless guy ♫ ♫ Searching for treasure in the middle of the rain ♫ ♫ And finding a bag of gold coins ♫ ♫ And slowly finding out they’re all filled with chocolate ♫ ♫ And even though he’s heartbroken ♫ ♫ He can’t complain ’cause he was hungry in the first place ♫ ♫ I love you like Dora loves maps ♫ ♫ Like the pope’s toilet loves holy craps ♫ ♫ I need you like a voyeur needs a branch ♫ ♫ Like boys tossing salad ♫ ♫ Needs a little bit of neverland ranch ♫ I wrote it before! I’m fine. ♫ And I want you, yeah ♫ ♫ Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same ♫ ♫ Never want to conform, what? ♫ ♫ And I want you like Anne Frank wanted ♫ Nobody to read her f*cking diary. (Cheers and applause) ♫ ‘Cause a diary’s a collection of secret things ♫ ♫ No one’s supposed to read ♫ ♫ That’s the whole point of a diary ♫ ♫ Millions of people have breached ♫ ♫ This little girl’s privacy after she was chased by Nazis ♫ ♫ Kick her while she’s down ♫ ♫ And if we met in 10,000 BC ♫ ♫ I was your caveman, you was my cavelady ♫ ♫ If we got hot, we’d start a-rubbing ♫ ♫ If we got hungry, we’d go clubbing ♫ ♫ There’s woolly mammoths, but I will protect us ♫ ♫ You’re making me devolve to a homo erectus ♫ Yeah, hominid tree. ♫ And if we met in 1780 ♫ ♫ I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner ♫ ♫ And you were my dark-skinned servant lady slave ♫ ♫ Whenever I could get away from the missus ♫ ♫ I’d go to your shed, and then I’d steal you kisses ♫ ♫ But let’s be serious ♫ ♫ I’d still work you full-time as a slave ♫ ♫ There’s a difference between romantic language ♫ ♫ And complete disregard for socio-economic trends ♫ ♫ So if we met in 1941 ♫ ♫ I was a Nazi, you’s a gypsy on the run ♫ ♫ That’s a little redundant ♫ ♫ That ♫ ♫ Probably wouldn’t have worked out, okay ♫ ♫ Yeah, because love is your favorite food ♫ ♫ For every breakfast, lunch, and dinner ♫ ♫ And love is the holocaust if you don’t die quick ♫ ♫ And you don’t get thinner ♫ ♫ And love is being the owner of the company ♫ ♫ That makes rape whistles, and even though ♫ ♫ You started the company with good intentions ♫ ♫ Trying to reduce the rate of rape ♫ ♫ Now you don’t want to reduce it at all ♫ ♫ ‘Cause if the rape rate declines, ♫ ♫ You’ll see an equal decline in whistle sales ♫ ♫ Yeah, without a rapist who’s gonna buy your whistle? ♫ ♫ Because love is ♫ ♫ Love is all about whistles ♫ (Cheers and applause)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Sarah Cooper: Everything’s Fine (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-cooper-everythings-fine-transcript/

[anthemic classical music playing] [narrator] This story is about Sarah Cooper, who was a morning news anchor from the spring of 2017 to the fall of 2020. At her peak, Cooper had a HUT rating of 54 and a 27 audience share. [imperceptible] [narrator] She looks all right here, but inside, she’s losing her mind every time she utters the words, “Everything’s fine,” which happens to be the name of her morning show. [theme music playing] ♪ Everything’s fine ♪ ♪ It’s a brand-new day ♪ ♪ Everything’s fine ♪ ♪ You’ve got to celebrate ♪ ♪ Everything’s fine ♪ ♪ It’s gonna be okay ♪ ♪ Everything’s fine ♪ Good morning and welcome to Everything’s Fine, the morning show where everything’s fine. I’m your host, Sarah Cooper. Today on the show, an exposé on age-defying makeup. Does it have the power to take off the 14 years you aged in the past six months? We’ll find out. And coming up, there’s a new robot CEO in town, and this time, he’s actually a robot. My exclusive interview with Techtech Corp’s new AI executive, 8008s. Then, an exclusive look inside the now-famous Access Hollywood bus. You don’t want to miss it. A little later, we’ll check in on how the sky is doing with our favorite meteorologist, Andrea Steele. She’s a scientist. Plus, another zoo runs out of money and we’ll sugarcoat what happens to all the animals. Hope you don’t like emus. [chuckles] Then, we’ll have all the latest fall fashions you can wear to that conference call from your bedroom. Big story this morning. Scientists say an asteroid is headed straight for this… Breaking news! Breaking news. The president is on the line and wants to say hi. I guess we weren’t able to change our number. How are you doing, Mr. President? [Trump’s voice] So, we have many exciting things that we’ll be announcing over the next, uh… eight weeks, I would say. Oh. Exciting. We’re gonna get things done. We’re gonna get things done that they’ve wanted to see done… for a long, long time. What have you started on, Mr. President? We’re gonna get things done. We have, uh… We’re taking on immigration, taking on education. We’re taking on so many aspects of things that, uh… people were hopelessly tied up in knots in Congress, but you’ll see, uh… levels of detail, levels of thought… I would love to see detail. …that a lot of people believed very strongly we didn’t have in this country. Uh, Mr. President, it looks like you’re golfing. Things that nobody has even contemplated, thought about, thought possible. We’re gonna get things done. [coughs] So when are you gonna start on this stuff? So, I think we’ll start sometime on Tuesday? [Sarah] Tuesday works. Then we’re going into the immigration, the world of immigration and education. Immigration, education. You did mention that before. We’re going into the world of healthcare. Oh! I’m gonna let you get back… …a lot of exciting… …to starting on those plans, Mr. President. Thank you so much for calling us again. A lot of us are working from home, but some of us are twerking from home. Here to show us how she does it, please welcome Megan Thee Stallion. Hi, Sarah Cooper! Good morning, Megan. Sarah! [static] Can you hear me? Megan? [Megan] Sarah? Megan… Megan, can you hear me? Sarah! Megan? Megan? [chuckles] We’re gonna get a little update from Scooter in a second. We’ll sort this right out. We’ll just move on. Scooter, are you getting the Internet? It seems to be working fine right here. Plenty of Wi-Fi. Plenty. Oh, my goodness, the Internet, right? Wi-Fi is so weird. Yeah. Do we need a modem, Scooter? We need a modem, yeah… [chuckling] [Sarah] It’s a cable joke. [laughing] Hoop-dee-hoo! Yeah. We’ll have to wait between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. for them to come in. [laughing] So funny. We might not have any Internet access, but in good news, we have a woman whose baked goods have become a national sensation. Not just for how they taste, but for what they wear. Please welcome, all the way from Wedgecot, New Jersey, the creator of Cupcake Shoes, K.J. Dillard. [Scooter] Think you’re going the wrong way. There we go. [director] All right, go to camera two. Beautiful. [in sing-song voice] My pretty. Little bit of curly hair for you. [gasps] [softly] There we go. Welcome, K.J.! [gasps] Oh, my God, you startled me. [chuckles] I’m here to do the Sarah Cooper show. And we are so excited to have you. These might be the cutest cupcakes I’ve ever seen. They are my pride and joy. Now I’d appreciate it if you got Sarah for me. Thank you. I’m Sarah Cooper. I didn’t say “Sierra,” honey. I said “Sarah.” That is Sarah Cooper. I’m Sarah Cooper, the host of the show. You’re Sarah Cooper? Yep. Can I see some ID? Here is my license, passport, and my birth certificate. No, I need to see some kind of a permit that shows me that you’re allowed to be on the premises. Okay, K.J., why don’t you tell our viewers how you came up with this fabulous idea? Well, I used to design these dolls called “little pooples” that you’d put on the end of your toilet, and then I got tired because I wasn’t able to eat ’em. So, should I be sharing personal information with this person? It just… It helps with banter. I love this little guy. What is his name? His name is Broadway Berry ’cause he’s berry-flavored, and he’s very fragile. Well, I am ready to make one. [gasps and exclaims] [dialing] [operator] 9-1-1, what’s your emergency? This is Karen June Dillard. Karen! I am with a person and my gut tells me she is up to no good. Scooter. I can’t hear anything. Got my gloves on. [K.J.] Yes, she’s a female. And I would say at least 70% Africo-American. Yes. Now she’s destroying my property! This is my property. [gasps] [woman] Welcome to “Karens.” I’m Whoopi Goldberg. In 1876, a Boston Karen bemoaned to her husband how taxing it was for her to walk miles into town every time she wanted to get a Black person arrested. He vowed to resolve this issue. “Wife,” he said, “I shall make it so that you may summon the police on Black people from the comfort of our very home.” His name was Alexander Graham Bell. [Karen Bell] They’re standing by my horse! [horse neighs] [Whoopi] But the role of Karens did not start with the invention of the telephone. The New World was crawling with Karens. Karen over here, Karen over there, Karens every-goddamn-where. [Karen] They’re on my property! [Whoopi] Some even claim that they can trace the roots of Karens as far back as the book of Genesis. [Karen] They’re eating that snake’s apple! [Whoopi] When we come back, my actual next-door neighbor, Karen. I’ve got a few choice words to say to this bitch. [man] Sore muscles, back pain, headaches and weakness. If you have COVID-19, getting a good night’s sleep can be rough. But starting now, your pesky pains are over. From the makers of MrPillow comes a brand-new product, the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine. Hi. I’m Steve Windell, the creator of MrPillow and MrPillowPlus. For 20 years, I’ve dedicated my life to making firm yet fluffy pillows that don’t break the bank. So, I thought, “Why not take the magic of MrPillow and use it to make a vaccine for coronavirus?” So, how does it work? It’s pretty simple, actually. The MrPillow Vaccine is made from thousands of tiny microscopic pillows shrunken down to the size of the deadly virus. Once injected into the bloodstream, these individualized pillows insert themselves under the novel coronavirus and lull it into a restful slumber. The virus now defenseless, the body’s immune cells can go to work. That’s how we here at MrPillow put the science back in sleep science. I got my friendly MrPillow Vaccine in the mail, and three days later, I already feel immune to COVID and ready to mix and mingle. I’m even going to a pool party later. Thank you, MrPillow. And I had COVID for three weeks and then I got it again! Hey! I think I’ll load up on that vaccine right now. Nurse? I feel better already. Order the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine for just four easy payments of $99, or $12,000 with insurance. The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine works. [man] The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine may cause coronavirus. [whirring] [Trump’s voice] Anynomous… really anomous. [speaking alien language] Thank you so much to our viewers for your patience. We got our technical difficulties all figured out and we are so excited to welcome “she likes to hoist up her moist stuff,” Megan Thee Stallion. Hey, Sarah Cooper! Megan, it is so amazing to have you here. You are such a legend. I have a question. I’m sure it’s on the minds of all our viewers. How are you dealing with this whole “new normal” thing? Listen, Sarah Cooper, I’m not going outside until coronavirus is a memory, okay? Like, you can go back in the textbook and be like, “Damn, y’all remember coronavirus? That shit was crazy, right?” [chuckles] Yeah. So until then, I’m staying my ass in the house. [narrator] Sarah had to make a pee-pee, but knew she had to play it cool for the folks at home. I have to say, that ass you’re staying in the house is very nice. How do you look so good all the time? Well, you know, I like to work out, gotta keep that ass tight, sharp. [chuckling] Real hot-girl shit. [Sarah] Yeah, real hot-girl stuff. Any tips you can give us for working out at home? Definitely. I actually have this great workout called “Drink your drink.” Drink your drink? Goes like this. Get your cup, and one… and two. And… [mimics drink flowing] Is that cognac? Yes, Sarah Cooper, yeah, it is. I been doing this every day for quarantine and let me tell you, I feel great. Well, you look great. Thanks. You, too, can look like this. All you gotta do is grab some cognac, add a little squat to it. Even a little lunge. Real easy, like… Mmm. Like that? A little more sexy and a little less like you sitting on the toilet. Somebody get her some cognac. Scooter, can I get some cognac? [Scooter] Yes. Trying to do the six feet, so… So, all you gotta do is dip and sip. [both] Dip and sip. Dip and sip. Yep, yep, yep. [sexy music playing] I think I’m doing it! I’ve never twerked before in my life. [laughs] It’s happening. No, try it like this. Try it a little more sexy. Okay. Pow, pow, pow. Little hair flip. Girl, live your life, do you, be a hot girl. Everybody wasn’t meant to be in the twerk Olympics, so just do you, be you. Be the best Sarah Cooper you can be. I can do that. This is a really great workout. I know! Real hot-girl shit. [Scooter] If you don’t mind, this is supposed to be six feet. We certainly are lubed up here at the Everything’s Fine studio. We’ll be right back. [Scooter] All right, we are out. Good job. [cork pops] This stuff is really strong. [theme song playing] It’s the 3:00 a.m. hour here on QAnon QAC. Just a note, this is the real QAnon, not the other one people were saying was the real QAnon on 4chan. Please stop doxing me. I’ve had to move five times. Let’s check in with our viewers. Emma from Philadelphia. [Emma] Hey, Ashley. How are you this morning? Longtime caller, always listening. You blinked your right eye just now when you said this was the real QAnon. Was that a sign that you have been contacted by the god of fire? [chuckles] Don’t be ridiculous, Emma. That was a nervous tic in my eye. It was not a coded message. Believe me, you will know when I’ve been contacted by the god of fire. Thanks, Ashley. [ominous music playing] [easy jazz music playing] This morning, we are proud to feature our Indoctrination Porcelain Doll Collection. They’re stunning dolls, and yes, we do accept cryptocurrency, but only QCoin. Let’s take a look at these dolls. How adorable. It’s presidential mouthpiece, Kellyanne. [Kellyanne’s voice] Don’t be so overly dramatic about it, Chuck. What it… You’re saying it’s a falsehood, and they’re giving Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave… alternative facts to that, but the point… Ugh. Never a dull moment. This one just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. Order soon as this one has recently been discontinued. [gasps] Ah! My naan! Thank you, Quincy. I’m so sorry. I am just so starving and it is hard to get good Indian food in this undisclosed location. [sniffs] Ahh! Next caller. [man] Hey, Ashley. [laughing] Mike from Minnesota, how are you again? Did you just get naan from Quincy? Is that a code for QAnon? Right? QAnon, a sign that you’re Q? I am not Q, I am just on in the middle of the night selling porcelain dolls. Q is in Washington uncovering a cabal of sex predators. I appreciate you sending me messages through the TV. Next we have, “I am woman, hear me roar, but very softly so I still sound sexy.” [softly] Ivanka. This doll teaches our daughters that it’s better to be seen and not heard. [Ivanka’s voice] If being complicit is wanting to… Is wanting to be a force for good and to make a positive impact, then I’m complicit. [thunder cracks] [yells in fear] Whoo! The storm is coming. I told you this was the real QAnon. Next caller! [distorted voice] How’s it going? Are you saying we can expect a storm when the president will reveal the mass execution of the Washington figures responsible for murdering a DNC staffer? I’d say keep your eyes open, and coming up in the 4:00 a.m. hour, we have a phenomenal weighted blanket that you’re not gonna– Weighted blankets are a media tool invented by George Soros. Watch your back, Ashley. I always do, honey. I have to. Finally, we have the best first lady, Melania. Beautiful, stunning, and really, what else do you need? [Melania’s voice] I’m very involved in charities now, many charities involving children, involving many different diseases. Hi… Melania. All of these dolls are available now by calling 666-666-6666… 666666… This is not the real QAnon. Get out now! [Christmas bells jangling] [Sarah] The former QAnon host starts her new job at the White House this week. [breaking news alert plays] We have some breaking news coming in. It appears the president is live-tweeting this program right now, and we’ve noticed a ratings bump when we show what he’s saying about us in real time, so… that’s what we’re gonna do. Okay, so the president is saying that everything is not fine. Uh, I guess we’ll have to see if we can change the name of the show. [Scooter] I’m open to it. “Now they’re playing my tweet. Stop playing my tweet. That’s my tweet.” The president now thinks “the country is totally fine” and “it’s the best it’s ever been.” “Because of me.” Who, me? “No, me, the president.” “Best president ever.” Oh. [cheerfully] Best president ever! And the president now likes our show again and our ratings are… up! Great. More on these tweets as they continue to suck the life out of our democracy. [buzzer sounds] [theme song playing] [Scooter] Great segment. [Sarah] Thank you! [narrator] Sarah wasn’t sure the segment had gone great. She wasn’t sure of much at all anymore. [heart beating] [Scooter] Uh, we’re ready for robot CEO. I’m Sarah Cooper. [echoes] I’m Sarah Cooper. We’ll be right back. [director] We’re out. Do you know what I miss? Shawarma. I miss eating shawarma in a really crowded restaurant in close proximity to other diners. Yeah. People sitting two feet away from you just shoveling food into their disgusting mouths. [man] I miss that human connection. [director] Oh, Sarah. Hi. Why did you want to meet with us? You called me in here. [man] Okay, smarty pants. Let’s look at your file and see how your ratings are doing. I forgot. I can’t read. All right. [clears throat] Looks like 35% of our audience likes that you’re Black, 30% of our audience doesn’t like that you’re Black, 50% of our audience doesn’t know you’re Black, but thankfully, 80% of our audience feels extremely threatened by you, Sarah. It’s that attitude of yours. I don’t think I have an attitude. [man] There it is. There it is. The boss didn’t hire you to be aggressive. The boss hired you to be a non-threatening Black woman like Tootie and Lisa Turtle, and that other one. Lovable, but forgettable. Well, I think it might be a little confusing, because I’m named Sarah, and I feel like when my parents named me Sarah, a white lady just moved into my body and gentrified my whole personality, you know? Like, my mom would cook jerk chicken– I love jerk chicken. He does. He’s a jerk. He loves the chicken. I love it. And I’d be like, “Oh, this is too spicy.” And she’d say, [in Jamaican accent] “There are children around the world, all they get for dinner is bread and water.” And I’d be like, “That actually sounds pretty good.” Like, a scone and a chai latte. Yes, a scone and chai tea latte would be perfect. Any time of the day. Um… That would be really great ’cause I was born in Jamaica, but moved here when I was three. Jamaica. I knew it. I actually watched these characters when I was little. I mean, Tootie and Lisa and Hilary and… and… Um… And that other one. I mean, these characters inspired me, you know? I feel like they ran so that I could sing. But you can’t sing, which is why you’re on the morning show and not on Broadway. Okay, I will tone it down. [director] Yeah. Stick to the news. All right? Leave politics out of it. Got it. Thank you. [man] Better go. Yeah. Marv, do you think I should buy another gun? Lorraine, what are you talking about? Are you crazy? Of course you should buy another gun. Thank you. We live in very dangerous times. You’re right. [Scooter] Hey, pals. How’s it going? Hi! Scooter. Hey, Scooter. What’s going on here? [Scooter] This is to keep things safe, six-foot distance. Smart. He’s so smart. [Scooter] Well, as you were. See you later. [Lorraine] Thank you. [Marvin chuckles] Get the door on your way out? [Scooter] Sure. I can’t touch the doorknob. Can you just shut the door, please? [Scooter] It’s not me, it’s the door. [Lorraine] Gotta get some work done. If you could– Close the door! [Scooter] This has to get fixed. This is Connie Chung with the president this morning. Mr. President, what is your plan to unite the country? [Trump’s voice] I’m not a big fan of sharks either. I don’t know how many votes I’m gonna lose. I have people calling me up, “Sir, we have a fund to save the shark, it’s called ‘Save the Shark.'” I say, “No, thank you.” Oh, no. Mr. President, I was asking you about uniting the country. I think I am actually humble. I’m much more humble than you would understand. [mutters] Mr. President, I asked you about– Excuse me. Stop and frisk. Okay? Stop and frisk. All right… Excuse me. You take guns away. Rudy Giuliani was a great mayor. He did it in New York. He started it and it worked great. I’m sorry? Excuse me. You have people coming over with bags of soup, big bags of soup, and they lay it on the ground and the anarchists take it and they start throwing it at our cops. Bags of soup, big bags of soup. If it hits you, it’s worse than a brick ’cause it’s got force. So, that was my interview with the president. Hi, I’m Steve Windell, and you’re gonna love my new line of MrPillow feminine hygiene products. Because your vagina deserves a tampon as soft and absorbant as one of my pillows. Try our down-feather version, too! [woman] In these uncertain times, we turn to familiar faces. And since 1975, we’ve been there for you… Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We had to go away for a while, but we knew it wouldn’t be long. Orgies. We’re back! [crowd cheering] Now with curbside pickup. [lullaby playing] [Trump’s voice] Thighland! Thighland! The super-duper missile. Mmm! Did you make this coffee, Scooter? I did not. [buzzer sounds] [theme song playing] [Sarah] Welcome back to Everything’s Fine. Big story this morning. As we’ve previously reported, a huge shake-up in the CEO world happened last Friday when we learned the CEO of Techtech Corp is actually a robot. Strangely, no one even noticed for several months. Live in studio via Camrojex technology, please welcome 8008s. Thanks, Sarah. It’s great to be here. [Sarah] Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. Well, I can multitask better than my human counterparts, Sarah. For example, right now, I’m chatting with you, doing Joe Rogan’s podcast, and kicking off a workplace diversity program all at the same time. Okay, so is it safe to assume you’re programmed to simply do everything your predecessors did? Unlike Elon Musk, I have a human side. [Scooter chuckles] Elon Musk. I was made by a great group of guys who really take social change seriously. For example, I’m programmed with the complete knowledge of feminist content such as Sex and the City, Cosmo and “Hot Girl Summer.” I’m not sure I’d consider that feminist– I’ve also learned about the Black experience in America by watching all three Barbershop movies, and the Beauty Shop spin-off. Okay, again, I’m not sure we– I’m sorry. I’m being told that I’m getting off track. As president and CEO, my number-one job is to make my shareholders happy. But that’s kind of been the problem, hasn’t it? Big businesses just focusing on money, making myopic business moves that leave the whole country with more disparity and… How are you doing that? Camrojex technology. Oh, wow. Just relax. This is really inappropriate. But technically, you’re a robot and I haven’t had a massage in months. [sensual song playing] That feels incredible. [sighs] Hold on, we have some breaking news. It’s been reported that Robot CEO 8008s has been fired by its board of directors after making unwanted advances toward an office printer. That printer knew exactly what it was doing. It was always asking me to make a copy. Because that’s its job. And it’s not just a printer, it has a name. HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, whose side of the story I’m sure we all want to hear. Scooter, can we get HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s on the cloud system? Thank you so much for joining us, HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s. Tell us what happened. [beeping] Okay, wait, wait. I’ll, uh… I’ll make a public statement. Okay? Just give me two seconds to think. After eight months of careful soul-searching, I’ve decided to address the hideous allegations against me. I have not, nor have I ever mistreated or abused a printer/scanner/copier. I value printers. My printer… is a printer. HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, is there anything you want to say? [whirring and beeping] Sounds like we’re getting a fax. [fax machine printing] “F*ck you, 8008s.” I will now step away to spend time with my family. [theme music playing] Wow. AI has come so far. [Scooter] Three, two, one. We’re out. Can’t believe he’s a robot. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Allstate Arena parking lot welcome to Sarah Evak. [car horn honking] Thank you all so much. Hi, my name is Sarah Evak and I’m a close-up card magician. Uh, I’ve been doing this for, I don’t know, ten years. I’ve been everywhere. Singapore, you name it. Tonight’s show is at the Allstate Arena in Rosemont. Pretty exciting for me. [chuckles] I’m going to begin by introducing you to my family. I call them my family because some I see often and others when I least expect them. Can everyone see these? I’m going to shuffle these cards and you tell me when to stop. [horn honking] [Sarah] Okay, I haven’t started shuffling yet. [horn toots] Now I’m shuffling. [horns honking] Got it. Now I’m going to show you all this card. Can everyone see this card? [horns honking] Does anyone work here? [horns honking] Can you take this card and show it? Yeah. Don’t show it to me. Oh, okay. During COVID, I’m also a teacher in a Zoom Room. But this… This is where I come alive. Beep when you’ve seen it. And– [horn beeps] [horn beeps] [man] I’ve never worked with a magician. I was a Frankenstein at a haunted house once, though. So, you know, I’m used to being around performers. Is this your card? I had to get out of that racket ’cause of the Illuminati. You know, they want to get you. [horn beeps] It’s like, not for me. Nope, I’ll stick to parking lot attendant. That’s the life for me. Simple. [car horns blaring] I think it went okay. Yeah. I might have to buy giant cards for shows like these in the future. Um… I don’t know. There’s a lot of beeping. So, when is this gonna be on? I just wanna make sure that I catch it. [man] Uh, sometime next year. Okay. Do you want to see another trick? No? Okay. [woman] We followed the guidelines. We reopened when it was safe. But now, it’s not safe again. [crowd] Aw! [man 1] Honestly? [woman] Orgies. Maybe later. [man 2] Damn it. Wonderful place. Wonderful. Oh, my goodness. Unbelievable. Oh, hello. My name is Natalie, and this is my husband, John. Hi, there. [chuckles] Welcome to Mar-a-Lago. We love it here. It is beautiful. You hear me? Oh, it’s gorgeous. I know what you’re thinking. “Do they allow Black people at Mar-a-Lago?” Um, we’re here! Right? Laugh it off. We are Black-ish, though. Last time we checked. Last time we checked, we were. Yes. And we’ve actually met the president. He saw us… Yes, we did. …and he said that we are his two favorite Black people. And he says it every single time. Every time. Mmm-hmm. Such a charismatic personality he has. He’s such a celebrity. We actually got married here. Um, not in the big ballroom, but on the property. So it was still beautiful. Yes. Yeah. We’re not allowed in there right now. We’re not allowed in there yet, but there is a small room off to the side with a private entrance, very exclusive. [laughs] And they said we can go in there whenever we want. We can stay in there if we want to. Anytime. And then, one night, we actually got locked in there. And let’s just say it was very fortuitous. Yes, it got kind of hot in there. [ominous music playing] We just love it here. Just surrounded by all our friends. Surrounded by all of our friends, which is the most important part. We got you in our hearts. Right on. [Sarah] If you like skateboarding dogs, you’re gonna wanna stick around after Everything’s Fine for Thinking Outside the Bachs with Jordana Bachman. [Jordana] I don’t know what this is about to be, but okay! [Sarah] Coming up at the twelve o’clock hour. Let’s do the weather segment. Love the weather. Love the weather! [Lorraine] Mmm. [theme song playing] Okay, weather segment in three, two… And now, let’s check in on how the sky’s doing today with our meteorologist, Andrea Steele. Thanks, Sarah. Well, we’re looking at some real clear skies today, up to 75 degrees. Absolutely beautiful out. Let’s look ahead at the five-day forecast. Tuesday, we’re gonna see a bit of rain, but break out that summer gear as temperatures shoot up to a whopping 103 degrees. Wednesday, out of nowhere, there’s gonna be a ferocious hailstorm with sustained winds up to 75-plus miles per hour. Scooter, you may wanna board up your windows. My windows are always boarded up. You know that weird house in your neighborhood that’s got all the boards up in the windows, and everyone thinks, “Is that an abandoned hospital?” That’s my place. Excellent. Thursday, you might wanna break out the sunscreen again, because it’s gonna be a hot one. 123 degrees with a humidity index so high, a friend of mine who works at the EPA called me crying. He’s a grown man. Friday, we shoot down to negative 12 degrees with a windchill index we weren’t even able to calculate using a Doppler 8000 technology. It’s gonna be a cold one, folks. Most likely not survivable, so wear a jacket. And Saturday, temperatures radically return to breezy 75 degrees. However, that isn’t just a cute graphic we made up. We’re actually projecting literal flaming snowmen to be walking the streets with some possible fire tornado watches in effect. Everything’s fine with the weather. I’m Andrea Steele. Back to you, Sarah. Andrea, I’m sorry, but that forecast is– Insane? Uh, yeah. You think? I mean, I’ve been doing the weather for 17 years, Sarah, and I have never seen anything like this in my entire lifetime. You think I like telling people they’re gonna die, or their skin might peel off if they run to the grocery store? No one should be going outside unless they absolutely have to. [heart beating] Scooter? [narrator] Everything was not fine. [exhales deeply] Scooter, are you asleep? [narrator] Had the world gone mad? Andrea, are you okay? [scoffs] Am I okay? This b!tch. Am I okay? Um… No, actually, ’cause we got a bat disease just floating around in the sky, there’s a new natural disaster every motherf*cking day, factories destroying the environment. Look at this damn forecast behind me. This is the first time I’ve left my house in months! All it takes is one wrong motherf*cker to breathe on me funny, and I swear to God… Scooter, are we still on a nine-second delay? The woman who presses that button stopped coming in weeks ago. Well, in that case, let me just say this. F*ck, sh!tty, doo-doo, b!tch, and stay the f*ck in your house. Reporting live from hell on earth, this is Andrea motherf*cking Steele. Back to you, Sarah. That was great. We’ll be right back. [buzzer sounds] Great. We’re out. Nice. Wow. So that’s your house I walk by every day. [Scooter] Yeah. Ah. My kids are terrified to go past there. [chuckling] That’s the one. It doesn’t look like anyone’s lived there in hundreds of years. [Scooter] That’s my place. [Andrea] Interesting. Well, it’s safe. It’s spooky. [Scooter] Yeah. It’s awful there. Everybody ready? Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one. Welcome back to Everything’s Fine. I’m Sarah Cooper. And now for our top story, an exclusive look inside that now-famous Access Hollywood bus. [man’s voice] She used to be great. Still beautiful. [Trump’s voice] I moved on her. She was down in Palm Beach. I moved on her and I failed, I’ll admit it. Whoa. I did try and fuck her. She was married. That’s huge news there. [Trump’s voice] No, Nancy… This was… And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” Took her out furniture– I moved on her like a b!tch. But I couldn’t get there, and she was married. All of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s changed her look. Sheesh, your girl’s hot as shit. In the purple. [all] Whoa! [Billy Bush’s voice] Yes! Yes! The Donald has scored! [all laughing] Oh, my man! Wait, you gotta look at me when you… [indistinct chatter] Thumbs up. [Trump’s voice] You’re a pussy. You gotta put the thumbs up. Gotta get the thumbs up. You can’t be too happy. [man 1] Let me… [man 2] That’s funny. You and I will walk out. Oh, my God. [indistinct chatter] Maybe it’s a different one. Better not be the publicist. No, it’s her. [Trump’s voice] Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful… I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet, I just kiss. [laughing] I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. Just kiss. Just… You can do anything. Whatever you want. Grab ’em by the p*ssy. I can do anything. I can do anything. Those legs, all I can see is the legs. Oh, it looks good. Come on, shorty. Ooh, nice legs, huh? Oof. Get out of the way, honey. That’s good legs. Go ahead. It’s always good if you don’t fall out of the bus. Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember? [Bush’s voice] Down below. Pull the handle. Hello. How are you? Hi. [Zucker’s voice] How are you? [Trump’s voice] Terrific. Pleasure to meet you. You know Billy Bush? Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, Arianne? I’m doing well, thank you. Ready to be a soap star? We’re ready. Make me a soap star. How about a hug for the Donald? He just got off the bus. Want a little hug? [Trump’s voice] Absolutely. Melania said this was okay. Hug for the Bushy? I just got off the bus. Oh! Bushy. [Bush’s voice] Here we go. Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. You’ve got a nice costar here. Yes. Absolutely. [Trump’s voice] After you. [heart beating] Great. We’re out. Nice. Scooter, what is happening? [both laughing] [Lorraine] This job is made for you, Marvin. Yeah, it keeps me out of trouble, as they say. Everything’s fine. Three, two, one, and we’re in. Sarah. And now, a little preview of what’s coming on after Everything’s Fine. We’ll have Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs, followed by Sandy Manderson, Miyoko Loco, and then, Andre Cole Watkins of Watkins the News. Stick around, it’s gonna be a great day. Isn’t it, Scooter? Miyoko Loco. [chuckles] A little help here. Save me. How about Sandy Manderson? Her face froze? Help. Tomorrow, something bad happens to your favorite celebrity. We’ll have a full report. Now, it’s over to Jordana Bachman for Thinking Outside the Bachs. Jordana, how are you doing? I’m doing good, girl. How are you, sister-friend? I’m doing so good. What do you got going on on the show today? Oh, well, let me tell you. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Who knows? It’s the news. Who cares? You know, Jordana, I just realized we don’t have to do this anymore. You have to tell me. Do what? Do what? [laughing] This whole BFF handoff like we’re friends, laughing like we care about each other. We don’t care about each other. [Jordana] That, girl, is good news, because everyone can see through the bullsh!t! I don’t even know where you live. I don’t even see you except in this TV screen. That’s how I feel, just seeing you through a little box. What have you been up to? Girl, I’ve been up to so much. I’ve locked up every Black man in my life. I put my dad in a closet, my brother in a closet, my uncle in a closet, to make sure they live another day. Wow. Where do you put your clothes? [laughing] Oh, my God. What are we doing? Scooter. I’m sorry? And now, it is over to you, Jordana Bachman. Oh, no, girl, I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I have to pass it back to you, Sarah Cooper. You’re so funny. Back to you. You’re up next with Thinking Outside the Bachs. No, Sarah, you got this one. Take my three-hour show. No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that. Back to you, Jordana. Back to you. Scooter? Oof. [Sarah] Where’d she go? Can we get Jordana back, please? [upbeat song playing] Jordana! Back to you! Back to you, Jordana. All right. Five, four, three, two… Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper, filling in for another three hours. Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs is taking a personal day. Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper. That’s a lot of news. And it’s Sarah filling in for Andre Cole Watkins. Five, four, three, two… Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper, covering for Andre Cole Watkins, host of Watkins The News. Is that a lot of news or what? Three, two… [mouths] Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper filling in for Miyoko Loco of Miyoko You Loco. Okay, Sarah. Three, two, one… Follow me. [laughing] [upbeat song continues playing] Ooh, weather. Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper. I’m Sarah Cooper. And everything’s fine. I’m Sarah Cooper. I’m Sarah Cooper and everything’s fine. Everything’s great. It’s gonna be a great day. I’m Sarah Cooper. [eerie music playing] I’m Sarah Cooper. Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper. I’m Sarah Cooper and everything’s fine. That’s a lot of news. [evil laughter] [Sarah laughing] [Trump’s voice] A lot of people are saying… It’s called fake news. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. A lot of people are saying… It’s called fake news. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. A lot of people are saying… It’s called fake news. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. A lot of people are saying… It’s called fake news. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. [Scooter] Great job, Sarah Cooper. Where’d she go? Why is that chair spinning? Is that a ghost? [phone ringing] Yes? Oh, no. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. [Scooter] Sarah’s doing great. Good morning. [Scooter] She’s doing very well. Great morning. Great… Hi! [shrieks] Oh, my God! Who are you? What are you doing down here? I’m Lacy Groin, from Against the Groin? My show. It’s on every night at 9:00. Oh, my God. Lacy Groin! Yeah. I love your show. Aw. Oh, thank you. It’s been off the air for, like, four years. Four years? [heart beating] The last thing I remember was election night, and I started hyperventilating. I choked on my Invisalign, and then I guess I passed out under here. It’s kinda weird nobody noticed. Yeah. I found this work environment to be pretty toxic. What did I miss? I want to know everything. Would you mind massaging my legs? I think they’re in atrophy. Cute shoes. Thanks. That’s a cute blazer. Thank you. So, tell me everything. What did I miss? You want to know everything? Oh, yeah. Everything. Here’s everything. [gasps] [gasps] Oh. No. No, stop! No! Oh, God! What? That’s against the law. No, no! Yes, there’s more! No, I can’t. Oh, God! Look at me! [whimpering] There’s more! No! There’s more! No! I… I can’t. Here. Oh. Oh, MrPillow. Hi. Thank you. Gracias. Mmm. See you later, Lacy. [jazz music playing] Scooter? Hello? [Marvin] Oh! [Lorraine] Marvin, you’re crazy. [Marvin] Yes, I am. [both laugh] [Lorraine] But what if we slot the Iranian assassination in 2024? [Marvin] No, no, no. I would do it sooner because we want relations with Iran to go as poorly as possible. Put it in 2021. [Lorraine] Okay. Yes. What if we shave two tons off the Greenland ice sheet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2028 or 2022? 2027. And let’s do something with bugs. I don’t know. Hornets! Who love to murder. [upbeat music playing] [both] Murder hornets! Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. And China seizes Hong Kong, 2028. And that pairs very nicely with the US gassing its own citizens. [giggles] Floods, 2026. What if Tom Hanks gets sick? Do it! He’s due! Kill off Mr. Peanut? Cancel Coachella. I hate those bands. Eating bats? I… No, that’s too much. Let’s set Australia on fire! Turn the sky red! [distorted voice] Do it all in 2020. Really, boss? That’s a lot for one year, Dark Lord. I said, do it all in 2020! [cackling] Okay, boss! [all laughing] [Satan speaks backwards] Uh, Satan. Sarah, I understand. You’re mad as hell, and you’re not gonna take this anymore. Hmm? [Sarah] Um… [squelching] [speaking backwards] Scooter? Hey, boss. Hey, Scooter. I… I get it now. I didn’t see that before. How’d you get in here? You should really get back to the desk. Back to the desk, Sarah Cooper. [both speaking backwards] I think I should go home. [speaking backwards] [Whoopi’s voice] What you gonna do, Satan? You know, we’ve tangled before. And you know what happened. It’s Whoopi Goldberg talking to you now. What you gonna do? [in normal voice] Oh, my God. I don’t know where that came from. [narrator] At this moment, Sarah Cooper realized it wasn’t she who had lost her mind, it was the world. Scooter, help me out. Um… You should just take the afternoon off. I just went scuba diving. I love scuba diving. You scuba dive? Love it. Maybe we should give her a raise. A raise would be great. [both laughing] I’m not gonna get a raise. I am a woman, so that does make more sense. Take all the time you need, Sarah. [in distorted voice] Never running out of news down here. Great. Okay. Well, I will just see you a little later. [upbeat music playing] [sighs] [Scooter singing] ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ [Satan and Scooter] ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ ♪ In hell ♪ ♪ It’s so nice ♪ [sighs] ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ ♪ In hell ♪ ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ ♪ In hell ♪ ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ ♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪ ♪ In hell ♪ ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ ♪ In hell ♪ [woman yelling] ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ ♪ In hell ♪ ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice ♪ ♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪ ♪ In hell ♪ [woman] I live in a very small cave and I love it. I can have orgies every night. You name it. Orgies, Doritos. Maybe sometimes a Fanta. It’s so nice. I’m not lying. [chuckles] Sometimes I lie a little bit, okay. Take the candy, put it in your pocket. And you think of me later, okay? Okay, I love you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2006) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-life-worth-losing-transcript/

Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York A modern man Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up-linked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low life. A cutting edge, state of the art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m new wave, but I’m old school. And my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer. Voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface from a database, my database is in cyberspace. So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time, I’m radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties. I tell power lies. I take power naps. I run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down. Because I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m a alpha male on beta blockers. I’m a non-believer and an overachiever. Laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super size, long lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. I’m a hands-on, footloose, knee jerk head case. Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I’m feeling. I’m caring. I’m healing. I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond. And my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail. I eat junk food. I buy junk bonds. I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F word in my email. And the software in my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite size, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved, prepackaged, post-dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving. Sailing and spinning. Jiving and grooving. Wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty. And lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in. There ain’t no doubt. And I’m hanging tough. Over and out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. [stormy ovation; Carlin thanks the crowd] Three little words Hey, I got 341 days sober and next year’s my 50th anniversary in show business. Let’s do a fucking show, huh? You know something people don’t talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts. So anyway. Now I said that on my last HBO show and apparently some people don’t know what a pussy fart is, because I got some inquiries. Here’s the deal. A pussy fart is like when you’re making love to a woman who’s got a little extra air in her vagina and every time you thrust forward, it’s kind of a… [makes a whole bunch of nasty fart noises] And the two of you are just lying there. Each of you is just wondering if the other one farted. And the man is usually thinking, “Maybe she farts when she comes. Maybe she took a shit. Man, I gotta stay out of that fucking bar”. Another word you don’t hear too often is dingleberries. You know you never hear it on “Meet The Press”. The dingleberry solution, dingleberry gate. Nothin’. I think it’s because dingleberries is one of them words you don’t say too much past your 10th birthday. It’s not a grownup’s word. It’s a kid’s word. Dingleberries. It always sounded kind of Christmasy to me. Don’t you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. “John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Maryann comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries.” “It is to be devoutly wished that she would kiss me under the dingleberries.” Cornhole is another word you don’t hear enough. You don’t hear that nearly enough, you know? It’s a good word. It’s a solid word. It’s a tough word. It’s a man’s kind of word. It’s got a masculine sound. It’s like shotgun and ash can and tow truck. Cornhole. Everything’s been sanitized now and cleaned up. First with these fucking Christians. You just start with them. You know. I’m so, you know. That’s just one, wait a minute now. Yeah, you know. Let’s not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes. I mean they’re just as fucking bad from a different direction. But everything’s different. Everything’s been polished up now. It’s anal intercourse. Anal rape. Bullshit. CORNHOLE! Now I’m a big fan of the prime time crime shows. I like all of them pretty much. You know, I like “Law & Order” and all the spin-offs of that. I like “CSl” and all of those spin-offs. Yeah, because they’re forensic shows. You know. And I’m just waiting for one night to be sitting there watching one of them shows and then the chief medical examiner turns to the lead detective and says, “Steve, looks to me like after they killed this guy, the perpetrators rolled him over and cornholed him about 30 or 40 fucking times. Look at that. That there is a posthumous, multiple cornhole entry wound”. In prison it’s a social activity. Yeah, it’s right up there on the bulletin board. Checkers, handball, cornholing. The suicide guy Now, just to change the subject a little bit, do you realize, do you realize that right this second, right now, somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn’t that great? Isn’t that great? Did you ever stop and think about that kind of shit? I do. It’s fun, and it’s interesting and it’s true. Right this second some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka. Because statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. A million. That’s 2800 a day. That’s one every 30 seconds [checks his watch] There goes another guy. And I say guy, I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide. Even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That’s something else you gals will want to be working on. Well, if you want to be truly equal, you’re going to have to start taking your own lives in greater numbers. But… But I just think it’s interesting to know.Interesting, that’s a big word in this show for me. Interesting to know that at any moment the odds are good that some guy is dragging a chair across the garage floor, trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam, wouldn’t want to be too far off center. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Somewhere else another guy’s going over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. Somebody else is opening up a brand-new package of razor blades. Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit, you know. “Oh, shit. It’s always something. Goddamn it, fuckin shit.” I just think that’s an interesting as hell. That’s probably the most interesting thing you can do with your life, end it. I don’t think I could do that, though. Could you? God. I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it. But I understand it, you know. I think I do. I don’t wonder about it. I don’t wonder, Well, why did he do that and, What was going through his mind. You know what I wonder, Where did he find the fucking time? Who’s got time to be committing suicide? Aren’t you busy? I got shit to do. Suicide would be way down on my list. Probably down past lighting my own house on fire. I might want to try a little self-mutilation first. You know, take a couple of hunks out of my arm. See if I like the general idea. Because you’ve got to have priorities, man. You know. And you’ve got to have a plan, too, for something like that. You’ve got to plan that shit. People just don’t run out the house and jump off a bridge. There are things you have to decide. Timing is important. When you’re going to do it. “Well, let me see now. Wednesday’s out. Got to take Timmy to the circus. “Survivor” is on, on Thursday. Friday I got my colon cleansing. The folks are coming over on Sunday. Sunday. By God, that’d be just the thing. Maybe mom will find my body. Serve her right for fucking me up the way she did.” Then you have to pick a method. How you’re going to do it. “Well, let me see now. Afraid of heights, that’s no good. Can’t swallow pills. Don’t like the sight of blood. Fucking oven’s electric. I’d lie down in front of a train, except the Amtrak ain’t coming through here in 30 goddamn years. Maybe I’ll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth. Suppose I miss? People will be laughing at me. Suppose I live? I’ll have a big fucking hole in my head. I’ll have to wear some kind of dumb-ass hat. Well, I guess I’ll just hang myself. That’d be good. Gotta get a rope. Oh, shit, it’s always something. I got a rope in the garage. It’s got a lot of grease and paint on it. Don’t want to get that stuff on my neck. Wal-Mart’s having a special on rope this weekend. No sense spending a lot of money to kill myself. Then again, I can always put it on my credit card I’ll never have to pay the fucking thing. That’s it then. I’m hanging myself and Wal-Mart’s paying for it. What’s next? The note. Oh, Jesus. I got to express myself. Hell, if I could express myself, I wouldn’t be thinking of doing something like this. Where’s a pen? I can never find a pen. Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone. Goddamn kids. I ought to just kill them, too. Make it one of them family package deals. Here’s a pen. I’ll just jam it into my fucking neck and get it over with. Let’s see now. Where do you put the date? Upper left? I can never remember that. To whom it may concern. Sounds kind of impersonal. Dear Marzel. Leaves out the kids. I know. Hey, guys. Guess what? Keep on reading. How are you? I hope you are fine. I am not fine. As you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from this ceiling fixture. You are the ones who drove me to this. I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along. I hope you’re happy now that I’m goddamn dead. Signed, the corpse in this room. P.S., fuck you people.” Yeah, good enough. That would be a good note. I don’t think a writer could ever commit suicide. Do you? A writer would be too busy working on the note all goddamn year. Trying to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending. Finally, he’d turn it into a book proposal and have a reason to live. That wouldn’t work. I think about stuff like that. It’s interesting to me. Like I said, certain things are interesting. Suicide’s interesting. Life is filled with interesting things. That’s why I could never commit suicide. I’m having too much fun keeping an eye on you folks. Watching what you do. Human behavior. That’s what I like. Extreme human behavior Humans do some really interesting things. Like besides killing ourselves, we also kill each other. Murder. And we’re the only ones who do that, by the way. We’re the only species on earth that deliberately kills members of our own species for personal gain or pleasure, sometimes it’s just fun. We’re also the only species that deliberately kills members of another species for personal gain or pleasure. That’s what hunters do. They kill for pleasure. That’s us. Human beings. Interesting folks. Murderers. Here’s an interesting form of murder we’ve come up with. Assassination. You know what’s interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry but it is also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? It’s always people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon. They all said, try to live together peacefully. BAM! Right in the fucking head. Apparently, we’re not ready for that. Yeah, that’s difficult behavior for us. We’re too busy sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other. Here’s one we came up with, it’s efficient, too. Genocide. You know, killing large numbers of people simply because they don’t look like you, they don’t talk like you and they don’t have the same kind of hats you do. You ever notice that at any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that. It might be important. But any time there’s genocide, there are always mass graves. Right? Every time we kill some dictator and go marching through his country, we always find mass graves. Thousands and thousands of dead bodies of people the dictator killed. And everybody over here gets horrified. “Oh, mass graves, mass graves oh.” Well shit, what’s the guy suppose to do with a couple thousand people he just killed? Dig separate holes? Fuck that shit. It’s labor intensive. Get real. The whole idea of killing a large number of people at one time and one place is convenience. Efficiency. Thrown ’em in the fucking hole. Look at it this way, at least the dictator had the decency to throw a little dirt on them. Give the guy some credit. The dictator’s a busy man. He’s got a lot on his mind. Like trying to figure out who’s planning to kill *him*. So he can pick them up, put them in prison and *torture* them. There’s another one of our interesting, heart-warming behaviors we come up with somewhere along the way- TORTURING each other. You want to hear a really cool torture that the Romans invented? They also used it as a form of capital punishment. It’s *really* creative. They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight and throw it in the river. But, and here’s the creative part, inside the sack with the guy, they would put a dog, a monkey and a snake. Okay? A dog, a monkey and a snake. That’s fucking creative. Imagine being inside a burlap sack under water, in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey. Think he’d be moving around a little bit? The dog would be going ape shit. We know that. And the snake? Well, he’d probably be getting curious about what all the activity was inside the sack. He might do anything. Whatever he did, it would probably involve venom and his teeth. You know what you’d be doing? You’d be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake. Praying. Yeah, then… Then it would be just you and the dog, man and his best friend drowning together. Maybe before you die, you can teach him a few tricks. Roll over and play dead wouldn’t be too difficult, would it? Just a thought, just a playful thought. By the way, I assume you’re noticing that all these activities I’m mentioning, murder, torture, genocide, these are all things human beings do. Not animals, those creatures we feel superior to. This is us. Here’s another one of our spiritually uplifting activities. We don’t do this one much anymore, but it use to be really big. Human sacrifice. I miss that. The Aztecs loved human sacrifice and they were good at it. Well, they got a lot of practice. For instance, right around the year 1500, the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people in one ceremony. Okay? 80,000 people in one ceremony. You know what the occasion was? They were opening a new temple. Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh? Especially that old time religion. You know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing? Here’s how they did it. They would do it right out in public. Right in front of everybody. Big town. Beautiful city square. 20, 30,000 people looking on. They would take the guy, lay him on an alter, cut his chest open, pull his heart out, hold it up in the air while it was still beating. Got that? Cut his chest open, pull his heart out and hold it up in the air while it was still beating. You know what you call that? Theater. That is fucking theater. And although the procedure may have been a little too crude to be considered the first bypass surgery, it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor program. The Aztecs, human beings just like us. Not too long ago, 500 years. Columbus had already landed. This is just south of here. Mexico. And by the way, those hearts didn’t go to waste. Did not go to waste. Because right after the ceremonies, the royal family, naturally, would enjoy another one of our amusing activities, cannibalism. Imagine that. Chowing down on another human being. You got to be all out of beef jerky, man. You got to be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn’t it? It still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness, run out of Pop-Tarts, you got to eat something. Might as well be Steve. And how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who’s first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he’s skinny and he can’t fight back? Or do you all gang up on the body builder because he’s got a lot of steaks and chops on him? These are things human beings have to consider. One more of these charming diversions of ours, necrophilia. Now there’s a hobby for you. Fucking a corpse. It takes a special kind of guy. Don’t you think? But it happens, it happens. More than you might think. It happens among humans. Animals don’t do that. Animals don’t fuck their dead. A rat will do a lot of gross things, but he will not fuck a dead rat. It wouldn’t even occur to him. Only a human being would think to fuck someone who just died. We got to be the most interesting critters on the planet. And then we wonder why a UFO doesn’t just land and say, hello. You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don’t have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they’re already there. Isn’t that nice? It’s nice. It’s convenient. Human beings will do anything. Anything. I am convinced. That’s why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, it didn’t bother me. I took it right in stride. A lot of people here were horrified. “Oh, beheadings, beheadings.” What are you fucking surprised? It’s just one more form of extreme human behavior. Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma who gets his head cut off? Fuck him. Fuck him. Hey, Jack, you don’t want to get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They ain’t cutting off heads in Oklahoma. As far as I know. But I do know this, you strap on a gun and go strutting around some other man’s country, you better be ready for some action, Jack. You better be ready for some action. People are touchy about that sort of thing. And let me ask you this while I have you good, clean Americans here. This is a moral question, not rhetorical. I’m looking for the answer. What is the moral difference between cutting off one guy’s head or two or three or five or ten and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference? I have not gotten an email on this. No one will talk to me. I haven’t gotten a postcard, not a fucking instant message, nothin’. Now, in case you’re wondering why I have a certain interest and fascination, let’s call it, with torture and beheadings and all of these things I’ve mentioned is because each of these items reminds me in life, every time one of them occurs, it reminds me over and over again what beasts we human beings really are, you know? When you get right down to it, when you get right down to it, human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts. Savages. No different from the Cro-Magnon people who lived 25,000 years ago in the Plasticine Forest eating grubs off of rotten logs. No different. Our DNA hasn’t changed substantially in 100,000 years. We’re still operating out of the lower brain. The reptilian brain. Fight or flight. Kill or be killed. Now, we like to think we’ve evolved and advanced because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater. We can write a sonnet, paint a painting, compose an opera. But you know something? We’re barely out of the jungle on this planet. Barely out of the fucking jungle. What we are is semi-civilized beasts with baseball caps and automatic weapons. And this civilization of ours that we’re so proud of, this civilization with its so-called civilized behavior, you ever stop and realize how fragile all this is? How fragile the whole structure, how easily it can all just break right down, just break right down. It wouldn’t take much. It’ll probably happen in less than two years. It wouldn’t take much to throw us right back into barbaric times. All you’d have to do would be eliminate electricity. That’s all. But completely. Eliminate electricity. So, no electricity, no lights. You’re back to candles and lanterns. Campfires and bonfires. Batteries couldn’t be recharged. Generators couldn’t be refueled because fuel is pumped electrically. So is water, by the way. So no lights, no fuel, no water, no computers. And computers run everything. And among the many things computers run that operate on electricity are all of the security systems in all of our jails and prisons and nut houses. So suddenly without electricity, all across America the gates and cell doors of penitentiaries and mental institutions would fly open and out would come all of our old friends. The ones who’ve been away, at camp. Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists, armed robbers, car jackers, home invaders, thieves, burglars, kidnappers, sadists, pedophiles, sexual predators, pimps, pushers, pornographers, speed freaks, crack heads, sick junkies. All the ethnic street gangs. Blacks, Spanish and Asian gangs, Japanese Yakuza, Russian Mafia, Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, Sicilian hit man, Italian mobsters, Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs. And those are just the ones we caught. Lets not forget their counter-parts still on the outside right now waiting to hook up with their prison buddies so they can start a new organization, The American Federation of Sociopaths. Just what the country needs. Another special interest group. Eight to ten million of them there would be. Counting all the parolees and all the probationers and the ones who’ve never been caught. Eight to ten million bitter, angry, violent, sexually hyperactive alpha males with nothing to do. No hobbies. No medication. No scruples. Just a bunch of bad guys looking for a good time. Maybe dropping by your house. “Hi. Hope we’re not intruding. Got any beer? Oh, good. Well, I got about 1400 really thirsty guys here. How about women? Got any women? Oh, just your wife, huh? Well, I think we can make that work. Now boys, there’s a lady here. So I want you to mind your manners and wait your turn.” Police wouldn’t help you. They’d be gone at the first sign of trouble. They’d be home protecting their own families. So would the Army and the National Guard. You’d be alone. You’d be on your own. You’d be S.O.L. And J.W.F. Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. After a couple of years of living like that, beheadings would be the least of your problems. People would be lining up to be beheaded. The All-Suicide TV channel So let’s get back to suicide, which now seems like a reasonable alternative. Suicide is an interesting topic to me because it is an inherently interesting decision. To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore. It’s profound. You know what it is? It’s the ultimate makeover. That’s why I think it belongs on television. In this depraved culture we live in, with all of these reality shows. Suicide and television will be a natural. I’ll bet you I can have an All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. I’ll bet you. Shit, they got all golf. What the fuck, huh? Goddamn. Jesus. You ever watch golf? You ever watch golf? It’s like watching flies fuck. If you’d get a bunch of brainless assholes insisting on waste a Sunday afternoon on that kind of shit, you know you can get some people to watch some suicides. All day long, 24 hours a day nothing but suicides. Must die TV. You’d get a lot of people watching that shit. You’d get a lot of people volunteering to be on there, too. Just so their friends can see them on TV. People are fucking goofy. You’d get a lot of volunteers. You’d get all them leftover assholes from “Let’s Make a Deal”. They’d be lined up around the block pushing each other out of the way, putting on funny capes and caps and hats and makeup and calling themselves Captain Suicide. Guys would be competing for most unusual method. People would be jumping off of silos, lighting themselves on fire, putting rat poison on a taco, drinking Mop & Glo, sticking moth balls up their ass. You’d probably have some weird fuck show up who’d figured out how to kill himself with dental floss and a stinger missile. People are fucking goofy. I’d bet you could find you a married couple, in this country, shit. I’ll bet you, you could find a married couple in one of them trailer parks or something who’d be perfectly willing to sit in a loveseat and blow each other’s heads off with shotguns while a love song is playing. Dumb Americans People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Do you ever notice that? Oh, my goodness, yes. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Nitwits, assholes, fuck ups, scumbags, jerk offs and dipshits. And they all vote. They all vote, yeah. In fact, sometimes you get the impression They’re the only ones who vote. You can usually tell who’s been doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns. Man, it sure ain’t me out there wasting my time with a meaningless activity like that. You know those people on the “Jerry Springer Show”, those are the average Americans. Oh, yeah, believe me. Below average can’t get on the show. Can’t get on. Below average is sitting home watching that shit on TV, getting ready to out and vote, filling out their sample ballot. People are fucking dumb. You can say what you want about this country, and I love this place. I love the freedoms we used to have. I love it. I love that. I love it when it didn’t take a fucking catastrophe to get us to care for one another. I love the fact that we’re on camera all the time from all angles. But, you know, you can say what you want about America. And I say I love this place. I wouldn’t have it any other way, wouldn’t live in any other time in history in any other place. But say what you want about America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We’ve got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floating around this country. Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know. Now, obviously that doesn’t include this audience. I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive but the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shit balls. Dumber than a second coat of paint. Now, this ain’t just ranting and raving. This ain’t just blowing off steam. I got a little evidence to support my claim. It just seems to me seems to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited… Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians but. Hey, it was nice when we stole it. It looked pretty good. It was pristine. Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It’s fucking embarrassing. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today, a shopping mall. A big, fucking shopping mall. You know that. That’s all you got. That’s all you got here, folks. Mile after mile of mall after mall. Many, many malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in between the major malls. And in between the mini malls they put the mini marts. And in between the mini marts. You’ve got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, Laundromats, cheap hotels, fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores. America the beautiful. One big transcontinental commercial cesspool. And how do the people feel about all this? How do the people feel about living in a coast-to-coast shopping mall? Well, they think it’s JUST FUCKING DANDY! They think it is as cool as can be. Because Americans love the mall. They love the mall. That’s where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions at the same time. Shopping and eating. Millions of semiconscious Americans day after day shuffling through the malls shopping and eating. Especially eating. Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried butter dipped in pork fat and cheesewhiz, mayonnaise-soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. America will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit, if you were selling sautéed raccoons assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salsa on them. This country is big-time pig time. Forget the bald eagle. You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? A big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A BIG BOWL. Because everything in this country is king size. King size, extra large and SUPER JUMBO. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? Big, fat motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies. Monstrous thighs and big, fat fucking asses. And if you stand there for a minute and you look at one of them, you’ll look at one of them and you begin to wonder, How does this woman take a shit? How does she shit? And even more frightening, How does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? And standing right next to her. Of course. With a plate full of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless fucking husband Joe Six Pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle. This guy ain’t seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and you look at the two of them. You begin to wonder to yourself, Do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn’t seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they’re in that “Cirque du Soleil” or something. I’m telling you the people in this country – every one of them – is 50 pounds overweight. They are GARGANTUAN. And in the summertime – God help us – in the summertime they will all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, Protector of All That is Good and Holy, deliver us from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Every one of them has got two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family is wearing T-shirts, and every one of them has got the same T-shirt… “I’m with stupid.” Apparently in this country, the Stupids are an extended family. And besides wearing them T-shirts. Everyone in the family has got on a backpack. They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And… Another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They ain’t got enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale, they’re gonna buy more. They’re going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized SUV that’s got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping on the way, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough. These people, these people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. It’s their civic duty. Consumption. It’s the new national pastime. Fuck baseball. It’s consumption. The only true lasting American value that’s left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need. MONEY THEY DON’T HAVE ON THINGS THEY DON’T NEED. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost 12.50. And they didn’t like it when they got it home anyway! Not too bright, folks. Not too fucking bright. But if you talk to one of them about this. If you isolate one of them, you sit them down rationally, and you talk to them about the low IQ’s and the dumb behavior and the bad decisions. Right away they start talking about education. That’s the big answer to everything. Education. They say “We need more money for education. We need more books. More teachers. More classrooms. More schools. We need more testing for the kids”. You say to them, “Well, you know, we’ve tried all of that and the kids still can’t pass the tests”. They say, “Don’t you worry about that. We’re going to lower the passing grades”. And that’s what they do in a lot of these schools now. They lower the passing grades so more kids can pass. More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody’s happy, the IQ of the country slips another two or three points and pretty soon all you’ll need to get into college is a fucking pencil. Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there, it’s physics. Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do. “EDUCAATION”. Politicians know that word. They USE it on you. Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things, the flag, the Bible and children. “No child left behind. No child left behind.” Oh, really? Well, it wasn’t long ago you were talking about giving kids a head start. Head start. Left behind. Someone is losing fucking ground here. But there’s a reason. There’s a reason. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason that education sucks. And it’s the same reason that it will never ever. Ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you got. BECAUSE THE OWNERS OF THIS COUNTRY DON’T WANT THAT. I’m talking about the real owners now. The real owners. The big, wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians… they’re irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. YOU DON’T. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOU HAVE OWNERS. THEY OWN YOU. THEY OWN *EVERYTHING*! They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, and city halls. They got the judges in their back pocket. And they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear! THEY’VE GOT YOU BY THE BALLS! They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed. Well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interest. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want OBEDIENT WORKERS. OBEDIENT WORKERS. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits. The end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now, they’re coming for your SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back! So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street! And you know something, they’ll get it… they’ll get it ALL from you sooner or later… because they own this fucking place! It’s a BIG CLUB…AND YOU AIN’T IN IT! You and I are not in the big club! By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head. And their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy… The table is tilted. Folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good. Honest. Hard- working people. White collar. Blue collar. It doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good, honest, hard-working people continue… these are people of modest means. Continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. AT ALL. AT ALL! Yeah. You know. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes every day. Because the owners of this country know the truth… It’s called the American dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it. Pyramid of the hopeless But say what you want about American folks. Yeah. You can say what you want about Americans. You can call them smart. Dumb. Ignorant, innocent, naive, gullible, easily led. Whatever you want. You’re gonna have to deal with them. You’re gonna have to deal with them because you’re in the television business now. You got the All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. You need these people as viewers. You need people looking in. You got to worry about your ratings. You’re going to have to be thinking about sweeps months. Most folks know what sweeps months are now. Those are the more important ratings months of the year when they put on all their biggest attractions and their hottest stars trying to pump the ratings up a little bit, get the local stations to adjust their advertising rates. You’re going to have to compete with the mentality of network television. And I think on an All-Suicide Channel. During sweeps months, you’re going to have to go with mass suicides. Big public events where hundreds of people kill themselves all at the same time right on live TV. Now, I’ve been wrestling with a way to do this. I’ve been trying to figure this out. I swear to God this is the truth. I’ve been trying to figure this part of it out for six months now. And I only recently have it so I’m going to tell you about it. Now, we’re going to have to get lots and lots of people to kill themselves on demand. How are we going to do this? That’s the question. How are we going to get large numbers of people to commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing? And I mean large numbers, because don’t forget besides sweeps, we’re going to have to be thinking about 24-hour a day programming. So to make this work. We need organization. You need a system. You can’t just sit around the studio all day long and wait for people to drop by and commit suicide. What we have to do is build up a large pool of hopeless people. Suicide volunteers. People with no hope. People whom society has given up on. Fate has given up on or who have given up on themselves. Rock bottom. Dead end. Totally fucked-up people with no hope and no reason to live. Now we got our share of them. Folks. Think of it as a pyramid. That will give you a visual fix on it. Think of it as a pyramid. The pyramid of the hopeless. We are going to start building this pyramid at the very base, naturally. And the bottom layer is going to be homeless people. God knows we’ve got plenty of them. Nobody gives a fuck about them. Nobody’s got a plan. Nobody’s got any money. Nobody’s got a program. Nobody gives a fuck about homeless people. We don’t know how many we have even. We know 500.000 of them are veterans. Because we’re so good to the veterans in this country. And we know about a 1.400.000 of them are children. There, so we got a million and a half children. And then God knows how many more we got. Totally fucking hopeless – [fart sound] – in the pyramid they go! Now, the next group we are going to put in here, these are the people in prison with these long sentences they’ve been given. Many of them deserved. I’ll grant you that. I’m sure half the people in prison are in there for things they really did. That’s not a bad average. One out of two. But nobody gives a shit about these people. Nobody’s going to hire them if they do get out. They’re never going to get out. Rehabilitation doesn’t work. And the judges give them these fucking draconian sentences. 40. 50. 60. 70. 80. 100 year sentences. Life term. Double life. One guy about a month ago was given three consecutive life terms. Plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can’t do that shit. In order to do that. You’d have to be a Hindu. Then you got the people on death row. They ain’t going anywhere – [fart sound] – In the fucking pyramid they go! Now, the next layer, this group is self-selected. Self-selected and a bit controversial to some ears, I guess. These are the people who claim to be depressed, okay? Apparently in this land of plenty, this richest nation in the history world we’re so proud of saying that. Some supermarkets have a hundred thousand items in them. We have 19 million Americans claiming to be depressed. And some of them take medicine for it. Sometimes the medicine makes one of them commit suicide and that depresses the shit out of the rest of them. Then you have these people who only think they’re depressed. They think they’re depressed because they saw the commercial on TV and the doctor looked like a good guy, the music sounded kind of peppy and what the fuck, some of these pills will probably just pick me right up. Totally fucking hopeless mindset – [fart sound] – In the fucking pyramid! Up at the very top we are gonna put the people who are truly sick. The terminally ill. Unfortunately, no hope for a lot of them. Hundreds of thousands of them. There’s no cure for what they have. Some of them say there is no cure because nobody’s looking for one. There ain’t enough people sick with it so there ain’t no money in the fucking cure. Then there’s people who’ve got… there’s a cure, but they don’t have the money for it. There are the other ones there’s a cure but they’re too far gone. There’s other ones there’s a cure but there is no social means to get to it. So these people ain’t going anywhere. They should be allowed to commit suicide. Boom. In the fucking pyramid they go. Now, think of what you got here, folks. Think of yourself as the executive vice president of programming at the All-Suicide Channel. Think of what you have to work with in the pyramid of the hopeless. You have homeless. Imprisoned, condemned, depressed and terminally ill people. And I’m going to bet you anything. In this depraved culture of ours. Bet you anything, with the reality show mentality we have on the All-Suicide Channel. You could get 500 of these hopeless people to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon. I’ll fucking bet you. I’ll fucking bet you you can get that done in this country, write this down. I’ll bet you. For money, for money, for money. You got to give them something. You know, you got to… Oh, Shit, they’re Americans, they’re for sale. Give them a little something. Americans will do anything but you got to give them a toaster, don’t you? Give them a little prize of some kind. Everybody wants a gizmo. Give them a gizmo. Give them a cell phone. Give them a laptop. Give them a cell phone that takes a picture of a laptop. Give them a laptop that takes a picture of a cell phone. Give them one of them three-wheeled vehicles. Give them an all-terrain vehicle. Give them one of them riding lawnmowers. Give them a snowblower. Give them an outdoor barbecuer or a jet-ski. Give them one of those things they buy for themselves when they are trying to take their minds off how badly they’re getting fucked by the system. I know what you do. Just before these people jump, you give them a hat with a camera in it. And you tell them it’s jump cam. Tell them you’ll send the video home to the family. T-Shirt. Who don’t want a T-shirt? Everybody does. Give them a nice T-shirt. “I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid, fucking T-shirt!” All right. Now… If you want to really raise the profile of this promotion, get some of those evangelical Christians to volunteer for it and you call it, “Jump for Jesus”. “Jump for Jesus”. They would bite. They would go for it. Hey, you got to be fair. Got to be fair about these Christians. They come in for a lot of abuse these days. So you do have to be fair. All a Christian really wants out of life is to die. And go see Jesus. Give them a helping hand. Do the Christian thing. Tell them it’s a shortcut to heaven. Mention the word martyr. It works on the Muslims. It works on the Catholics. It might work for these folks, you never know. Hey, hey, I know. Give them a little encouragement. “Go on you fanatical fuck, he’s down there. He’s down there. He’s down there. He’s at the bottom of the canyon. Look for the man with the glowing head.” Oh, you could have a lot of fun with a channel like that. But you know something, folks, maybe you don’t want to be on cable. Maybe you don’t want to be on cable. It is a limited audience. You might want to widen out and get more people looking in and you’re going to have to go to the broadcast networks. One of the big broadcast networks. And I don’t know about you, but when I think about suicide and broadcast network television. I’m thinking FOX. Huh? I’m telling you FOX. If the people at FOX ain’t sitting around having meetings on an idea like this. They ain’t doing their god damn jobs over there. So you put this thing on FOX, get Budweiser to sponsor it. Budweiser and a whole bunch of car companies so people can be thinking about drinking and driving at the same time. Ain’t that fun? Isn’t it fun to watch the sporting events on American television? “Drink this! Drive that! Fuck you!” They don’t care. They don’t give a shit about you. And then every now and then they qualify the whole message. “Drink responsibly.” [long fart sound] So you put this thing on FOX. And if you do, if you do or on any broadcast network, you’re gonna have to bring in that younger audience. Everybody knows that. That’s what the advertisers are looking for is these 18 to 24 year olds. You’re going to have to get young people interested in this. You know how you get young people interested in suicide? You don’t call it suicide. You call it “Extreme Living”. Autoerotic asphyxia They would go for it. Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place. Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15 and 24? It’s third. Ninth in the general population. That will give you an idea of how popular this after school activity has become among our teenage folks. Especially these young boys, these adolescent males. And a lot of them you know, a lot of them. They kill themselves when they’re jerking off. They don’t mean to. It just happens. You know about that? Yeah, some you know. I can tell. Yeah. A lot people don’t know about it. A lot of people never heard of that, you know. It’s just one of those things Americans can’t handle. “We can’t handle that. We don’t talk about that.” It’s not on Larry King Live. It ain’t on Barbara Walters. You ain’t going to see it in “People” magazine but it’s out there. Folks. It’s out there and it is extremely common. You just ask any teenage boy you know who trusts you. Ask him what he knows or what he’s heard about cutting off your air supply just at the moment you’re about to have a sexual release. He’ll tell you an interesting story or two. The kids call it “scarfing”, because some of them use scarfs to do it. Well. Screw the kid. Just get on the Internet. Do it yourself. Google in the words autoerotic asphyxia. Autoerotic asphyxia. It’s the practice of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the last moment during masturbation in order to heighten the orgasm. And when I say common, a thousand kids a year die this way, okay? A thousand of them die. So think how many of them are trying to pull this off. If you pardon the little pun that I throw in there just to lighten the mood. But here’s the way it works. Apparently, I never tried it. It sounded risky to me. Well, jerking off is all I need. You know what I mean. Folks? I ain’t trying to double my money. Fuck that shit. No, I just jerk off, wipe off my chest, get up and go to work, you know. That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Nothing fancy. Nothing fancy at our house. We’re simple folk. But here is the way it’s supposed to work and this is why it’s such a big attraction in the first place. Apparently it is true, medically, physiologically speaking that if you can cut off your air supply, the oxygen to your brain just at the moment you’re about to have an orgasm, the orgasm is about, I don’t know. Let’s say 500 times better. Something like that. It’s incredibly intense. So what you got to do is stand up on a chair or a bucket or some kind of thing, you put a rope around your neck and you start jerking off. [vigorous imitative masturbation movements] And while you’re pulling your pud, while you’re pulling your pud, you have to arrange to almost strangle yourself just before you have an orgasm. And by the way, while all this activity is going on, you’ve got to maintain a hard-on which ain’t easy because you might just be getting ready to buy the farm. So you better be fantasizing about someone you really like or something you really like. I don’t know what it might be. Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a game warden. Who knows. Huh. Hey, I’m not here to judge. We’re all different. To each his own. So let’s recap. Stand on a chair. Rope around your neck, Peter in your hand. Now, you have to time it just right so that just before you come, you almost die. And sometimes you miscalculate. You don’t know if you’re coming or going. You don’t know. There’s no way to know. No way to know. And the parents of these kids are too embarrassed to tell the police so they put the kid’s dick away and say “He had poor grades. His girlfriend left him.” “Oh, well, no wonder lady, look at his freaking hobbies.” Then they blame it on heavy metal, you know. I don’t know if you remember that but from that old incident some years back, Judas Priest. One of the head banging bands, somebody played a song and after that they killed themselves so they blamed suicide on heavy metal. If it’s murder, they tend to blame rap these days. But it’s never the parents. Did you ever notice this? Parents apparently play no part in the development and outcomes of these kids. Parents. You know they can raise a kid apparently 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years. If he turns out fucked-up, boy, they had nothing to do with that. “Must be those kids at the parking lot he hangs around with.” Parents got to be among the most full of shit people in the world. Well, they always have been. Top to bottom, front to back. Listen. In fairness. It comes with the job. If you want to be a parent, you got to be full of shit at least half the time. Look at it this way, they have it both ways. If the kid turns out to be a loser. They had nothing to do with that. But boy if he is a winner, got a scholarship or something like that, man, they are the first ones out there raising their hands trying to take a little credit. It’s a nice state of mind if you can talk yourself in to believing it. But these are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone during an electrical storm waiting for the parole officer to give me a call. And these ideas. These ideas come floating into my head. Just floating right in unbidden. I’m not asking for these things. I’m a vessel. I’m a mere vessel. In comes these thoughts. And some of them are a little offbeat. I’m gonna grant you that. Posthumous female transplants I was thinking about these younger woman who got buried today. Did you ever think about them? *Probably not*. But I was thinking about these younger woman who died three or four days ago got buried today. And some of them had a bad heart, you know. Some of them had a bad kidney. But a lot of them had perfectly good pussies. Good pussies, nice tits, reasonably tight assholes going to waste, in the ground. It just seems a shame to me that some fine, young pussy should be rotting away six feet under. Because you’d think, you would think in this era that if you can donate a heart… Okay, okay. To someone who needs one. There ought to be a way to recycle some of these pussies. And get them to people who need them. Some old guy living up in the mountains. “Wow. Holy shit. Look at this fucking thing. This is great. Thank you very much. Thank you, sir, I appreciate this. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, God bless you. You’re doing God’s work. I hope you know that, don’t you. Hey, this is better than “Publisher’s Clearinghouse”. Listen here, buddy, you ain’t got a redheaded one of these by any chance do you? No. I didn’t think so. I never run into one of them myself. Thank you very much. Now listen here. This is the real thing, ain’t it? This isn’t one of them storeboard pussies from your old bookstore? Huh, what’s that? Oh, okay. Hold on for just a second. Oh. [takes a hard sniff and growls]  Jesus Christ on a cracker. That’s the real fucking thing. I’d recognize that son of a bitch anywhere. That straightened out my nose hairs. I better get this sucker home and get it in the refrigerator as quick as I can.” The Save-A-Pussy foundation. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Fuck the whales. Save the pussies. But you wouldn’t want to save all of them. Not all of them. Some of them is wore out. Oh, you wouldn’t want one of them big, old rubbery things. That ain’t no good. What you want is, you want you something nice and tight but flexible. Maybe you’d have an age limit. Or a mileage check. You know, you figure out the average length of the average dick, the average number of thrusts per event, the average number of events per lifetime, you’ve got that lady’s mileage. And you woman, I don’t want you to think I’m going to leave you out of the fun. We’re going to get you a nice set of cock and balls. Okay? We’ll get you something nice just after rigor mortis has set in. Tell the truth. Ladies. Wouldn’t you like a nice set of cock and balls without all the bullshit that comes with them. Huh? Fucking A. We’ll get you something nice, you keep it on the nightstand. It’s real easy to find in the dark. And if your mother comes over, put a hat on it. Well, somebody’s got to think of these things. Apparently I’ve been appointed. Yeast infection I was dancing with a woman. She told me she had a yeast infection. I said. “Well. Bake me a fucking loaf of bread. A couple of corn muffins, a jelly donut. I don’t give a shit. I’m always in the market for quality-baked goods. You couldn’t squeeze a birthday cake out of that thing by any chance, could you? No. No. I didn’t think so. No pressure, honey, no pressure at all. Why don’t you just turn around and give me a nice pineapple upside-down cake. And a dozen oatmeal cookies. Skip the raisins. Icksnay on the aisinsray.” Coast-to-coast emergency Well. I think it is certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess. I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior. Excessive language. Excessive violence. It’s fun. It’s interesting. It’s exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That’s why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that have been going on. I fucking love them. I can’t get enough of them. Oh. When nature’s going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I’m a happy fucking guy. I’m a happy fucking guy. I look at it this way, for centuries now man has done everything he can to destroy, defile and interfere with nature. Clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes. Destroying wetlands and aquifers. So when nature strikes back and smacks man in the head and kicks him in the nuts. I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing whether it’s natural or man made. I always hope it gets worse. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV, don’t you hope it spreads? Don’t you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don’t root for a fireman, do you? I mean I don’t want him to get hurt or nothin’ but I don’t want him putting out my fire. That’s my fire. That’s nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest. Aren’t they great? Like clockwork. Spring floods in the Midwest. But I’m starting to notice, I’m starting to catch on that every year it’s the same story. Another flood in the same place with the same people on the same river. SAME FUCKING PEOPLE! And these people do not move. They will not fucking move. They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same fucking house on the flood plain next to the river and then they wonder why grandma’s floating downstream with a parakeet on her head. Fourth time. Again. Fourth fucking time. There’s no learning curve with these people. It’s very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year same people. Same rowboats. Out there paddling around, rescuing a chicken. What the fuck kind of a life is that? “Well. Our kids love it here.” Oh, really. What do they got, gills? And while they’re showing all that action on the screen, the announcer is saying to me, “It’s been raining steadily for three months now. The ground can’t hold any more water. The river is cresting higher than it has in two centuries. The levies have washed away” and I just hope it keeps raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and it rains steadily for five years. And then after that. For ten years it’s cloudy with occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks. It becomes a completely new river. And the borders of three states have to be changed. And all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted. And no one’s couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down, there’s always a little squish. “Dan. Linda. Come on in, you guys. Have a seat. Squish, squish.” I like that. I’m an interesting guy. I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is it’s going to grow into bigger and bigger proportions that get completely out of control. And I’ll give you a concrete example. Let’s say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles and it floods an electrical substation knocking out all the traffic lights and tying up the entire city and emergency vehicles can’t get through. And at the same time one of those month long global warming heat waves comes along but there’s no air conditioning. There’s no water for sanitation. So cholera, small pox and dysentery break out and thousands of people start dying in the streets. But before they die, parasites eat their brains. And they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital. But the hospital can’t handle all the casualties. So these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire. And the flames drive them even crazier so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men. And a big wind comes along and the entire city goes up in flames and the people who are still healthy they get mad at the sick people and they start crucifying them. Nailing them to crosses. Trying on their underwear, shit like that. Then everybody smokes crack and PCP and they march on city hall where they burn the mayor at the stake, strangle his wife and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flynt. And at this point, at this point it looks like pretty soon things are going to start to get out of control. So everybody panics and tries to leave the city at the same time. And they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands and wild dogs eat their corpses. And the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway. And one by one the dogs pick off the old fucks and the slow people because they’re in the fast lane where they don’t belong. Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you’re an old fuck, if you’re a slow fuck, get over on the right, get over on the right. And then, the lucky ones, the lucky people who manage to make it all the way outside of town they discover when they get there, the big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire and the suburbs burn uncontrollably. And thousands of identical homes have identical fires with identical smoke killing all the identical soccer moms and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer. And now. Now the fire spreads to the farmlands and the farmlands burn intensely of 425 degrees creating millions of baked potatoes. And as the farmlands burn. As the farmlands burn. Thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode from all hidden methamphetamine labs. And the meth chemicals run downhill into the rivers and streams where wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed. So bears and wolves amped up on crank start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat even though they’re not really hungry. Then the fire spreads to the forest. And the forest burn furiously. And hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods screaming, “Bambi is dead. Bambi is dead!” And he is. He is. Finally that fucking little cunt. Bambi is dead. Dead. Now, hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno. And all 12 of the western United States are burning out of control except Utah where the Mormons don’t allow fires. And the fires spreads across the Great Plains toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing hamburgers actually. Then it leaps to Mississippi and races through the South blowing up stills and interrupting lynching’s and killing millions of inbred people. And then it turns northeast and it heads for Washington, D.C. Where George Bush can’t decide if it’s an emergency or not. He can’t decide this. He doesn’t know. Wow. Oh it’s hard work. You know. He can’t decide because Dick Cheney is in prison. So instead he takes a nap. He takes a nap. He puts his empty, fucking brainless head down on the little pillow his mother gave him at Christmas time and he takes a fucking nap! So the fire moves to Philadelphia but it’s a weekend and Philadelphia’s closed on the weekends. So the fire moves to New York City and the people of New York tell the fire to go fuck itself. “Go fuck yourself.” And it does. And it does. So instead it burns down Long Island and Connecticut killing all the rich white assholes and completely destroying their evil. Faggoty golf courses. And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground but nobody notices. And now the entire North American continent is on fire producing a huge thermal updraft and creating an incendiary cyclonic macro system that forms a hemispheric mega storm breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere and actually changing the laws of nature. Fire and water combine. Burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward. Gamma rays and solar winds ignite the ionosphere creating huge clouds of ionized plasma. Bolts of lightning 20 million miles long begin shooting out of the North Pole. And the sky fills up with green shit. And then suddenly the entire fabric of space-time splits in two. A huge crack in the universe opens and all the dead people from the past begin falling through. Babe Ruth. Groucho Marx. Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim, Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Alan Ludden my Uncle Dave, your Uncle Dave. Everybody’s Uncle Dave. An endless stream of dead Uncle Dave’s falling through the crack. And all the dead Uncle Dave’s gather around a heavenly kitchen table. They light up cigarettes and they begin to talk. They talk about how they never got a break. How their parents didn’t love them. And their children were ungrateful. They talk about how the government screwed them out of money and they just missed out on a big job. They say the Jews own everything, and the blacks get special treatment. And all the hatred and bitterness drips out of these people and forms a big pool of liquid hate. And the pool of liquid hate begins to spin. Round and round it spins, faster and faster. And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets. Faster and faster. Bigger and bigger. Until the whirling pool of hate is bigger than the entire universe. And then suddenly it explodes into trillions of tiny stars. And every star has a trillion planets and every planet has a trillion Uncle Dave’s. And all the Uncle Dave’s have good jobs, perfect eyesight and shoes that fit. They have great sex lives and free health care. They understand the Internet. Their kids think they’re cool and they all love their neighbors. And every week without fail, Uncle Dave wins the lottery. Forever and ever until the end of time every single Uncle Dave has a winning ticket. And Uncle Dave is finally happy. Now do you see why I like it when nature gets even with humans? Thanks for coming in here tonight. Thank you. See you later.

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Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-total-blackout-the-tamborine-extended-cut-transcript/

[Jimmy Fallon] Were you at the, uh, White House party? [Chris Rock] Yes, I was at the White House. Everybody was there. It was like… whoa. The last party at the White House… [chuckles softly] You been to the White House? [Jimmy] Yes. It’s amazing. [Jimmy] It’s unbelievable. You walk in, you see these humongous portraits of the presidents everywhere you go, right? So I’m there, and it’s me, and Ahmir is there, and Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Oprah, Steve… It’s like I died and went to Black heaven, right? [audience laughing] [Chris chuckles] They were all… [Jimmy] Something to see. It was unbelievable. There were a few white people there, too. But, uh… A couple… Kid Rock or somebody. Anyway… [audience laughing] [chuckling] Somebody… Katie Couric or something. And… [both laughing] They had a couple. [Jimmy] Sure. There’s a lot more now, I’ll tell you that. And… So… [chuckles] It’s a lot more now. [Jimmy laughing] Yeah. And they had entertainment… You’re sitting around, you’re meeting people, and you mingle, first you mingle. And at one point, it’s me and Michelle Obama just talking. I’m not really supposed to be alone with Michelle Obama. It’s not really my lane. I don’t know how to talk politics. And Michelle Obama’s like, “I don’t know what we’re gonna do. The country…” We’re talking about election and stuff. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen. This is such a crazy time.” And I go, “You’ll be aight.” That’s… I literally said that. I said that to Michelle. I said “You’ll be aight.” [Jimmy] To the First Lady. And then I said, “You know… you’ll get any kind of job you want. I mean, The View, The Housewives of Atlanta.” And she goes… And Michelle Obama looks at me and is like, “I was talking about the country. I wasn’t talking about me.” The Housewives of Atlanta. “I was talking about the country.” And I’d never felt so stupid in my life. It’s like my GED flared up, you know? And she gives me a look like, “Who let this n*gga in my house?” She didn’t say that, but that’s what the look was like. And then she goes, “Oprah, I gotta talk to you.” And she runs away from me, and then I’m feeling dumb. I’m like, “Okay, I gotta find some people as dumb as me.” I gotta find my intelligence, so I’m like, “Okay, where the athletes at?” Right? “Where are the athletes?” Then I see Charles Barkley like, “Ah, my n*gga.” Right? [all laughing] So… I see Charles Barkley, we talk for a minute, right? And then they ring a bell, and you gotta go watch the entertainment. So it’s me, Charles Barkley and Jay-Z going to this room to watch the entertainment. First it was, uh, Herbie Hancock and he was amazing, like… [imitates guitar] Then Stevie Wonder kinda snatches the mic from Herbie Hancock, right? And starts playing his stuff and puts some extra blind in it. You know what I mean? Like, puts some, like… Puts some extra… [all laughing] You know what I mean? So Stevie… [man] Check please. You know, ’cause Stevie’s been in the White House more than most presidents. So when he acts like he don’t know where he’s going, he’s lying, right? He’s been there for nine presidents, right? So… So Stevie’s playing and me and Jay-Z get sad, ’cause we realize we’re never gonna play the White House. [Jimmy] Yeah. I mean, he’s never gonna be like… ♪ Jigga, what’s my motherfucking name? ♪ That’s never gonna happen. [Jimmy] I don’t see it. That’s not gonna happen. Not with one… We’re only on first Black president. [Jimmy] That’s right. Black President 12, there might be a Wu-Tang reunion, but not… Not… Not now. [Jimmy] Not now. Not gonna happen. Not while we’re in the single digits of Black presidents, right? So… [chuckles] Then the party started, and Quest starts playing music, and it’s amazing. And we’re dancing and it’s a bunch of Black people dancing our asses off. It is amazing. In this place… In a place that slaves made. Okay? In a house that slaves… Black people enjoying the White House, man. Just amazing. And Sasha, Malia and the Obamas saying goodbye to people and everything. And as I’m walking out the White House, I look up on the wall and I see a picture of George Washington with a bloody tear coming out of his eye. It’s like… Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut [audience cheering] Chris Rock! [“Backseat Freestyle” by Kendrick Lamar playing] ♪ Uh, Martin had a dream ♪ ♪ Martin had a dream ♪ ♪ Kendrick have a dream ♪ ♪ All my life I want money and power ♪ ♪ Respect my mind Or die from lead shower ♪ ♪ I pray my dick Get big as the Eiffel Tower ♪ ♪ So I can fuck the world for 72 hours ♪ ♪ Goddamn I feel amazin’ ♪ ♪ Damn, I’m in the Matrix ♪ ♪ My mind is livin’ on cloud nine… ♪ [Chris] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit your asses down. Please let me get on with this show. It’s nice to be here in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, where I’m from. Bed-Stuy, do or die. Right? Home of Biggie and Jay. Yes, I’m back. I’m in the neighborhood. You know, the more things change, the more things stay the same. I’m walking around, looking around today, and I wonder… You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months, they’d look at their dead n*gga calendar and go, “Oh, my God. We’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Which one?” “Ah, the first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world with real equality. I wanna live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying, standing next to Al Sharpton… talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice. No justice, no quiche.” I know some people, like, “Come on, Chris. You’re going too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they’d let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you. You’re a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not like Michael Jackson famous. I’m not famous from miles away. My fame kicks in right about here. When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga.” “Hey, that’s Chris Rock!” “Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. This whole thing with the cops, man. ‘Cause as a Black man, you have a… Especially a grown Black man. I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like on one hand, I’m a Black man, so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. If somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the Crips. “Uh, yo, Crips, can you send Little JJ down?” “Oh, he’s here already?” “My bad. My bad.” Here’s the thing with the cops, though. I mean, being a cop’s a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough… [scattered applause] …and you get what you pay for. [chuckling] But here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent Black man, they always say the same things. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” “It’s just a few bad apples.” “Bad apple”? That’s a lovely name for “murderer.” I was like, “How’d they get that one? ‘Bad apple,’ that almost sounds nice.” I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, okay? But some jobs can’t have bad apples, okay? Some jobs, everybody got to be good. Like… pilots. You know? American Airlines can’t be, like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” Yeah, man. This cop shit ain’t gonna stop, man. But racism is not gonna stop. It ain’t never stopping. It’s the American way, man. They used to have signs up that said, “Whites only.” They used to have signs up that said, “No Blacks allowed.” Now they got something new. It’s called prices. That’s right. Prices are the new Jim Crow. The Four Seasons hotel does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite sure does. That ought to handle your n*gga problem right there. Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby. You know, Whole Foods does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a seven-dollar orange sure does. It says they don’t want my Black ass in here. A couple of white people are going, “They don’t want us in here either.” Fuck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods. America’s insane, man. You gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, okay? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born, okay? But even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. At my house, we don’t have fire drills, we have whiter drills. So ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So everything in my house that’s the color white is either hot, heavy or sharp. So my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They got to contemplate this shit. “Ooh. This napkin, okay. Should I wipe my mouth with it or is that what Whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat, burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do.” “He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention!” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. “Daddy. Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “You should’ve gotten chocolate.” Oh, y’all think I’m joking, huh? I go hard, too. I go fucking hard, man. I got girls and I go hard. So if you got a Black son, you gotta just punch him in the face. As soon as he wakes up, it’s like, “Morning, n*gga.” Pow! Shit, if you got a Black son and you don’t punch him in the face, that’s child abuse. Shit, that’s right, man. Some people say young Black teenagers are an endangered species. But that’s not true. ‘Cause endangered species are protected by the government. Yo, man. You got to beat your Black son good. You got to whoop that ass. It’s important that he follows your instructions. ‘Cause, hey, ’cause the world is fucked up, man. We’ve got a fucked up justice system, okay? We’ve got a justice system for Black, for white, for rich, for poor. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime, in the exact same place, at the exact same time, and get different sentences. Yo. Yo, the justice system in America should be just like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. Like, “Hey. If you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.” “They gave that white boy two years for a kilo.” “It’s good, I’ll take that.” Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems, prices problems, we got some gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, okay? Gun control. There ain’t never gonna be no gun control. Okay? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot your ass, okay? One of the reasons is ’cause we all love guns. Love guns. I had a gun. That’s right, comedian with a gun. Ooh, they’re not laughing. Bang! Yeah, man. We don’t care. America don’t care about no guns. You shoot up a church, nobody cared. You shot up a school, nobody cared, man. You shot up a theatre, people are like, “Should have had Netflix.” That’s right. They’re never, ever changing the gun laws. Somebody gets gunned down, you see that shit on TV, next thing you know, you watch TV and all you hear are clichés. You know? Fifty people, sixty people, that many people, whatever, dead. And somebody comes on and goes, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws ’cause Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt.” It was like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean, I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. When hunting with my grandfather, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a fa*got. And he’s a preacher. They are never changing the gun laws, no matter what, man. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, okay? And somebody will come on TV, you know, they’ll just talk, like, “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” That’s what they’ll say. They’ll shoot 100 people and somebody will go, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” “As a matter of fact, if the gunman would have had a knife, he could have stabbed 100 people to death.” That’s what they say. They actually say that shit. On TV. Could have stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed at the same time, in the same place, by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserve to die. What, you just watching this shit? “Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they getting closer.” “Ooh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming.” “Ooh, he stabbed the lady behind me.” “He’s a stabbing fool. I guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” They are never changing none of this gun shit, man. But you watch the news and it’s like, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws because every American has the right to protect their home.” Every American has the right to protect their home. That’s true, they got that right. But you ever notice that almost all the mass shooters, none of them own homes? They all live with their fucking mothers. No, man. They gotta change the gun laws. Here’s the deal. Here’s what I think. I think, in order for you to get a gun in the United States of America, you should have to have a mortgage. That’s right. That’s a background check for your ass. Shit, if you got a 739 credit score, you ain’t killing nobody. See, the mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to quit your job? Just ready to quit. Like, “I can’t take this shit. These people don’t know how to use me. My skills are going to waste. I’m too smart for these people. I’m going in there tomorrow, and I’mma quit this job.” And you walk in there, and you think you gonna quit, and you see that boss and you think, “That fucking mortgage. I’mma be here 30 more years. If I’m lucky.” Shit, having a mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to smack the shit out of somebody at work? Just smack… Yeah, I ain’t the only one. Just ready to smack the shit, like, “I can’t believe this motherfucker think they can talk to me this way. Tomorrow, I’mma smack the shit out this one.” You start doing push-ups. You dip your hand in lard. “I’mma smack him with a crispy hand. I’m gonna have a layer of crispy on my hand when I smack this motherfucker. That’s right. I might Buffalo smack this motherfucker.” Dip it in some hot sauce, too. And right before you could smack the shit out this motherfucker, you run up to him, you’re like… “Whoo! You’re lucky I’m trying to re-finance.” That’s right. Mortgage makes you act right. There ain’t nothing better than a good mortgage. If you got a good mortgage, God has blessed you. “What is a good mortgage?” you might ask. A mortgage that allows you to live your life. To do things, to go places, to buy shit. If you got a mortgage that’s like that, then your God has shined His light on you. But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo… Hell hath no fury like a bad mortgage. “What is a bad mortgage?” you ask. Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage that doesn’t allow you to do anything but pay your motherfucking mortgage. That is a bad mortgage. You can’t go nowhere, you can’t even come to this motherfucking show. You gotta watch Delirious on VCR. That’s right. When you got a bad mortgage, boy, you need to get your eyebrows done one at a time. “I’mma get the left done right now, and in about three weeks, I might get the right done. I might. I don’t know if I’ll have the money. I’m trying to go to Whole Foods later. Shit’s expensive.” That’s right. One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages where your house is just looking at you, like, “Where’s my money, bitch?” “It’s death row, motherfucker!” That’s right. Nothing like a bad mortgage that you all fucked up. That’s right. Where you’re like a meth addict. And the house is the dealer. And you’re like, “Please, I’m just trying to get this basement fixed. I’ll do anything. I’ll suck your dick.” If you got one of those mortgages, just get out of that shit. Ain’t no shame in renting. Just rent, motherfucker, rent, man. It is so good to be here right now. I’m just glad to be back. I’ve been… I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People are like, “Where you been?” I’ve been busy. Trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Trying to raise these kids, man. You know, sometimes I watch the news, and people are like… Whenever there’s some crazy, racist thing, people always go, “Well, children… Children don’t… They’re not born racist. You have to teach them to hate.” That’s what people always say. “Children are born loving. You have to teach them to hate.” It’s the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Kids are the most racist, sexist, homophobic, mean motherfuckers on the face of the Earth. You don’t teach your kid to love. Raising your child is just beating the hate out of them. That’s all it is. Kids are mean motherfuckers, okay? What the… Are you… My daughter, when she was little, was like, “Daddy, that lady, she’s so scary. I’m so scared. Oh, my God, Daddy. She’s a monster.” I’m like, “No, she’s Asian, Lola.” “Stop it. Okay? You racist brat, stop it.” “Daddy, that man, he’s got antennas. He’s gonna eat me. He’s scary.” “No, it’s dreadlocks, Lola. Stop it.” Kids are fucking mean. Are you fucking kidding me? When my kid was two, she was biting kids on the playground. You think I taught her to bite kids? No, that was her natural state. She came out of the womb like Wolverine. Just tearing fucking kids up. Kids are horrible people. That’s right. Pre-school is just jail with milk. So… “Kids have to learn to hate.” Get the fuck out of here. Yo, man. So, I’m with my daughter, this year she started high school. My oldest started high school. Yep. Yep, yep. Kept her off the pole and now… Started high school. So I had to go with her to a freshman orientation. Did you ever go to a freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium, quite like this, with a couple thousand kids, and people come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know, you can be anything you wanna be.” “You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” “Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be.” “But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld.” “Shit. I’m looking at these kids right now.” “I count at least 60 Uber drivers.” “They could be anything they wanna be.” Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth! Say, “Hey, kids… Check this out. Check this out.” “You could be anything you’re good at, as long as they’re hiring.” “And even then, it helps to know somebody.” So I’m sitting there, I’m in school and I’m watching this shit, and it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got Black kids, man. I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a Black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. ‘Cause the Black kids, you’re in… You know, you get ready to face a whole nother world. I got Black kids. I got to get them ready for the white man. I got to get them ready for America, man. You know? That’s right. You know? Not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys all right. Y’all cool. Every one of you, I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little Black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.” I was doing a movie a couple of years ago, and one of my bullies was working security on the movie. Shit. A guy who literally one day, in school, turned me upside down and shook the money out of my pockets. And I’m filming a scene… This is in Top Five. And I look and I’m like, “Is that B?” I’ll just say B. And he nodded, kinda… He was kind of ashamed. I just gave him, just a quick look, like, “Hey, man. I hope you doing well. You take care.” And I kept it moving. I didn’t like, “Get him off the set! Get him fired!” It’s like his sin has punished him. He could’ve been my friend. Right. [Chris] Know what I mean? He could’ve been in the trailer with us watching The Godfather. You know what I mean? The fact that he had to go through that whole day and watch me walk around and watch me… I was directing a movie. And watch me be me in all my glory. And to be so close to me, but yet so motherfucking far. Right, you got your revenge. [Chris] You know? I didn’t have to do anything. You ever watch Bugs Bunny? Bugs Bunny? All the time. When did Elmer Fudd get really mad at Bugs Bunny? Not when he shot him in the face with an anvil, not when he hit him over the head with a rock. You know when Elmer Fudd got really mad? When Bugs Bunny kissed him. [Howard chuckles] Yeah, that true. That’s when he would lose his mind. And when somebody does you wrong, just give ’em a kiss. So I’m at the school… I’m at the school, and the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. I was, like, “What kinda half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need quick. I know I said you gotta punch your Black son in the face, but, honestly, I believe all children should be punched in the face. Preferably by another child. ‘Cause once you’ve been punched in the face, you learn how to talk to people. You learn tone. That’s right. A lot of teeth been lost over tone. That’s right. One of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling their kids how special they are. These souped-up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, there’s always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they’re special. Maybe they’re special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Look, every day before my kids leave for school, I get them at the door, I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute, nobody thinks you’re smart, nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, nobody on the whole Earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. Nobody. And even some of the people inside the house, a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck do you have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half, bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying because your boss didn’t say hi? “You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me.” I’m tired of this shit, man. We need bullies! Who’s gonna solve the problems of the world? Who’s gonna figure out global warming? Who’s gonna cure cancer? Who’s gonna eradicate poverty? You know who’s gonna do it? Some kid getting his ass kicked by a bully, that’s who. That’s right. Do you understand, “Nerds rule the world”? Always have, always will. Okay? I’ve never gotten a check from somebody taller than me. And I ain’t that tall. Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinstein. That’s how it goes, man. Bullies rule… We need bullies. Need ’em. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker.” “Fuck you, Gates, you four-eyed bitch.” “Fuck you and your Windows, you gape-toothed motherfucker.” “I’mma smack the shit out of you, you fucking Gate.” “Gate, motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zuckerfuck.” “Zuckerfucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zucker, motherzuck, suck-my-nuts-er, zucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zuckermother, zuckermother, motherzucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit. Pressure makes diamonds, not hugs. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. That’s right. Bullies are the fertilizer that help good people to grow. If you want pretty flowers, you need a little shit. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. And I hate when people go, “Well, you know what, cyberbullying’s worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber-kicked down a flight of stairs. I never heard of anybody getting a cyber-bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit. That’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies, a real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion’s kind of like salt. A sprinkle’s good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. But God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting courtside at a Knick game, getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and God shows up. “Strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick, too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you’re in jail for murder and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Okay, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now, somebody’s killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you’re in jail for parking tickets and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like… “I should have moved that car. What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” I’m trying to find God before God finds me. But it’s so hard, it’s so hard, ’cause I’m such piece of shit. I try to be good, but I’m such a piece of shit. The other day, I gave the homeless guy five dollars. Should’ve been a good deed. Should’ve been a good deed. But I didn’t give him five dollars for him, I gave him five dollars for me. That’s right. You ever give or do something good just hoping God will notice you? It’s like, I basically was trying to kick-start a blessing. Like, I was basically looking at God as I was giving this bum some money, like, “Look at me, Lord. I’m a good person. Shine your light on me.” And I’m so full of shit, everybody I spoke to that day, I slipped in that I gave this guy five dollars. No matter what they were talking about, “Hey, man, you see LeBron?” “No, I was too busy giving this bum some money. I had no time.” And I’m bragging about giving him five dollars. Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket. I’m going past big money to give him little money. I’m like, “No, no, can’t have that. Nope, nope. Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope. That’s for strippers later. Nope, nope.” I gave him enough to get something at McDonalds, but nothing to drink. “Get yourself a number eight… dry.” Just trying to find God before God finds me. I’m so fucked up, man. A lot of religion in the news, man. We ever watch the news, it’s always like, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God, no, they extremely believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday at 2:30. I got tickets. Fantasia’s opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right, religious extremists extremely believe in God, and occasionally blow shit up. Which is odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the Sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would He need your help? What is that shit? And… That’s right. I mean, here’s the thing. I think the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. That’s right. If you really had faith, you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now, that’s believing in God. Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Is God here yet? Trying to find God before God finds me, man. Another thing religious extremists messed up, man, air travel. Just ruined it, man. Remember, it used to be fun to fly? You could have a 12:00 flight and leave your house at 11:30. And make it. Remember, you used to be able to pick grandmother up at the gate? That’s right. Now, by the time you get her, she done had a heart attack. She’s just dead going around the conveyor belt. “You got a ticket for dead Grandma?” And they got all this security, they take your shoes, they take your shampoo. When did shampoo become so dangerous? They take your shampoo, you get through security, and then they sell shampoo at the gift shop. Sometimes, they’re trying to sell you your own shampoo back. I know my Prell when I see it. Yo, I’m tired of all the security. Yo, they need an airline for people that don’t give a fuck. They need an airline… They need an airline with absolutely no security for people that are in a hurry, and willing to take their lives in their own hands. That’s what they need. I’ll pay an extra $50 for that shit. They need to call it Risky Airlines. That’s right. Risky Airlines, Muslims half price. That’s right. The bigger the beard, the more legroom you get. They won’t even have tickets. They just stamp your hand like you at a club. You’ll be like, “I was in already.” “At Risky Airlines, all our pilots are bad apples.” No, man. Just trying to find God before God finds me, man. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I love getting up on a Sunday and watching the preachers. Preachers. I just love watching the preachers. It’s like, you know… My man, T.D. Jakes. Creflo Dollar. Joel Osteen. Check ’em all out, man. Here’s my question. Why’s God always so broke? God has been suffering financial difficulties… for quite some time. What the fuck? Does God have a bad mortgage? What is… What is going on? Who pays God’s taxes, Wesley Snipes? What’s going on? I don’t understand. Whoo! The Devil’s never broke. Devil making it rain at the strip club. You never see the Devil on TV going, “Hey, this evil ain’t gonna pay for itself.” Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion follows one basic premise, one basic idea that every religion follows. And that premise is, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Every religion believes that. Everybody. [imitating preacher] “God does not make… mistakes.” “I say God… does not… [harmonizes] make… mistakes.” God don’t make no mistakes? That’s… Okay. That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? “God rested.” Okay. Seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task, it was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No! That has never fucking happened to you. What’s happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Hush your mouth. God makes plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it, can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake! What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. Do you think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake! You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake! M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! Fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, goddamn! You know what Mississippi’s like? You know like when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van. That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. You’re looking out the window and you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God. Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba, Shabba, Shabba, Shabba! People looking like they’d never saw a car before. “Wheel! Wheel!” Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice. It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like, “That baby wasn’t really dead, right? I can’t wait to Jet Ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh, you know, taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no, don’t… [scattered applause] No, don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced, let me tell you right now. I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Tell you right, if you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right, at the show, right now. That’s right, just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better… You better make sure you got some options. ‘Cause some of y’all been in a relationship so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. Before you leave, just take off all your clothes, stand in a mirror, like… “This is what I’m putting on the market.” You might need sit-ups or counseling. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out, okay? You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing, okay? People say, “Relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person is working on it. That’s right. Two people can move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you’re in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, okay? I’m trying to fucking help you, okay? Okay. First rule, rule one, stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, okay? Number two. Number two, okay? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You are in the service industry, okay? That’s right, when you are in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. If you gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like, “Tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right, you in a band. It’s like Hall & Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah. You wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gotsta fuck. People will say, “Oh, when we got together, it was so much fun but then problems arose.” No, they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking, so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade, dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. So you knew she couldn’t cook, but she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gotsta fuck. You got to fuck, you gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you in. You got to keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick. You got to do what you got to do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “I can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I’d eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? No, man, you gotsta fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. For 16 years. Yes, that’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cell phone, which means… my 16 years is actually longer than my parents’ 40. In my 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents had in 40 fucking years. Think about it. My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning, come home at 8:30 at night, and during the day, him and my mother had no contact at all. That’s what a fucking relationship used to be. That’s right. The kids could’ve died, and he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “The kids died?” “What time?” “About eight hours ago.” “Oh, shit.” They had no contact at all. That’s what… Everybody’s parents in here, that’s what a relationship was. When they got together, they actually used to talk. You know why? ‘Cause each one of them had pertinent information that was useful to the other one. That’s right. “Baby, how was your day?” “Whitey didn’t get me.” “Didn’t get me, either.” “I love you.” You know why else they used to talk? You know why else? ‘Cause they used to miss each other. They used to actually miss each other. You can’t miss nobody today. They right in your back pocket. They with you all the fucking time. That’s right. Soon as you leave the house, you get a fucking beep, you get a text, you get a FaceTime, you get a fucking Snapchat, you get some kind of fucking communication. Then your woman got the nerve to go, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” “What are you talking about? I know everything you did today, and I know how people felt about it.” “That’s right. I read the comments, motherfucker.” “I gave you five likes, bitch. Shit.” “I gave you three smiley faces and a eggplant.” “Now, get off my back.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I was fucked up, you know. I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry, just me, right? I was addicted to porn, and, you know… I was 15 minutes late everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You got to mix it up. Choke-Out Thursdays. And what happens when you watch too much porn? You get desensitized, you know? When you start watching porn, it’s like any porn will do. Like, “Ah, they’re naked.” Ooh-hoo! Then, later on, now you’re all fucked up and you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, you know? I was so fucked up. I’d need a Asian girl with a Black girl’s ass that speaks Spanish… just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m good now. Man, I had to go to rehab, get the porn patch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies, that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wife, your girlfriend. Take care of her or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek, just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys, they think they’re with their wife right now. But no, n*gga, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you, she with me. Man, the older you get, the bullshit you learn… One thing, the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right, that’s right. They got The Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got The Working Bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. A housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause a housewife has convinced her husband that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here, right now, think they own a house, think it’s their house, too. No, she took that house years ago, and the kids were in on it. That’s right. The housewife is a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. “Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, okay? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken and when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house, ha-ha!” That’s right, fellas, you don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. The only man that owns anything is a single man, okay? And, fellas, here’s a test right now. If you really think you own a house… Just a test. Okay, fellas, tonight, when you go home, I want you to try… I want you to try… Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral, she’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. And don’t get mad. Do not get mad at your woman. Whatever you do, do not get mad. ‘Cause if you get mad at your woman, she will get mad at you. And you’re mad ’cause you can’t hang up a picture of your mother. But she’s mad at you for having the audacity to get mad at her. You’re actually mad about a actual thing she did. And she’s just mad that you had the nerve to react to the thing that she did. You didn’t do nothing, now you gotta apologize to move this shit on. Like, “Hey, baby, I’m sorry. I should’ve known my mother’s face didn’t deserve to be on the walls of our house. Uh, I will never do something that stupid again. Uh, maybe I’ll hang it up in my office or something. I would appreciate it. Um, thank you. Thank you, honey. I love you. If it helps, fuck my mother. Okay? Fuck her.” Oh, man. And if she gets real mad… If your woman gets real mad, then she’ll issue a pussy strike. You don’t want that. Nothing worse than a pussy strike. That’s right. Remember the pussy strike of 2013? That was a tense negotiation. The union was tough. That’s right, man. Pussy strike. Pussy embargo. Pussy sanctions. Treat your dick like it’s Cuba. That’s right. Pussy strike is the most deadly weapon in the female arsenal. But it has to be deployed correctly. Lot of women don’t know how to give the pussy strike. That’s right. Some of y’all don’t know how to give a proper pussy strike. Here’s the thing about a pussy strike. The pussy strike only works if you fuck your husband regularly. That’s right. You can’t threaten a man with sex he don’t ever get. You’re like, “I won’t suck your dick.” “You don’t suck my dick now. What other fantasy things are you gonna take out of my life? You want to take the keys to my spaceship? You want to take my pet tiger? What else? What else you gonna take?” That’s right. Ladies, you gotta fuck your husbands. You gotta fuck ’em! You have to fuck these motherfuckers. You have to do it. ‘Cause if you don’t fuck him, he will build up antibodies to your pussy. That’s right. The more you fuck him, the weaker he is. But if you don’t fuck him, he will build up his own opinion. You don’t want that. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the fucking prize! Shit, man. Here’s a thing, too. Here’s another good reason to fuck your husband. God forbid you’re ever in a horrible train accident. That’s right. And your whole body is mangled and ripped up. And the only thing left… is the pussy. And your husband has to come down to the morgue and identify the pussy so you could get a proper burial. If you haven’t been having sex, that’s gonna be hard. And he gets down there, the mortician’s like, “I’mma pull back this sheet, and when I do, I need you to identify the pussy, okay?” And he pulls back the sheet and your husband’s like, “I don’t know. I… I can’t really… I can’t, uh… [chuckles nervously] You sure she was on the train? Uh…” “Uh, can you make it go like this?” [pretend-crying] That’s my wife. That’s my wife.” Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight, or another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right, hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t got to really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they’re not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him. I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours. The bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. Hey, it’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man, just… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True, true, you know. You know, I had a attitude. I thought, “I pay for everything, I can do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You got to play the tambourine. Everybody got to play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah, I’m serious. I’m not… I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was on the road and… I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s like fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat, it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now, she’s new. She’s never the same again. So now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know, you got bad fucking new, man. Every woman here right now is like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? I thought…” “You, I thought you was all right. You?” “Come on, Chris, what the fuck is wrong with you?” “What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here is like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” “That’s it? Just three?” “Goddamn, man.” “I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that.” “Three?” “You must’ve really loved your wife.” “You a romantic.” Yo, man, it’s fucked, man. I remember, right, when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let me say, ‘What’s up?'” And I’m like, I said, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would’ve had a easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. And I mean that respectfully, okay? She was asking me about other dudes. “Have you seen Ray J?” I’m like, “Fuck Ray J. I hate that n*gga.” Yo, you don’t want to get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. I had to go through a custody fight for my kids, just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court, and you don’t wanna be a Black man in any court. Yeah. Even the Black judge comes to work with his lawyer, and he keeps his robe on all day. Writes “judge” on the back, just in case somebody thinks it’s a n*gga with a cape. “Is that a n*gga with a cape?” “Nope, just the judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth. So, I bought a house around the corner, okay? Like, fucking quarter of a mile, like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, okay? But… wasn’t enough, man. I went in there, that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What? You think I got a manger, what? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Okay. Show them the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside to make sure the children have enough to eat.” I’m like… “What have you heard about me? I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.” Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug ’em, take a picture, if you feed ’em, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. Whoo! But it worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids, okay. I see my kids all the time. I got my custody. Shit worked out, okay? But that shit was like humiliating, man, trying to prove your parenthood, man. So I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship, but after you go through that shit, you’re like, “Am I gonna lose my kids?” I was like, “Yo, I’m going hard every time I have my kids.” I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mom’s house, but we’re gonna top that shit… every motherfucking time, okay?” Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” You all think I’m bullshitting. Then check my Instagram, all right? And the crazy thing is… So after you get through the custody thing, then you got to divide the money, that’s fucking scary shit, man. And whoever… Whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person, so I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hitman to kill you. It’s like, “Okay. Here’s a picture of me. I’mma be at Burger King at 10:38, okay? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So… I’m in court… Yo, one day I’m in court, and I’m just looking around, and she got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. The judge, the bailiff, the stenographer. I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. It’s like, “Wow, look at this whole… town, just here.” I’m looking at all these people and realize, everybody in this room is far more educated than me, everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, okay? I got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realized everybody in the room was born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. It’s like, everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me. And they got up that morning, they brushed their teeth, they put on suits, they fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. After that, I was like, “Fuck it. Take it. Whatever you need, take it. I’ll be all right. I’mma work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing, man. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I bought this shit on myself, you know. Nobody told me to go hoe up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And you got to learn some lessons, some man lessons, okay? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness that you have to accept when you’re a man, especially a Black man. It’s like, the world is cold as a motherfucker, okay? You get older, the one thing I learned… Only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something, okay? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” [laughs sarcastically] You ain’t never heard that shit. No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand, can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right. Fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do? What the fuck does that n*gga do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not?” That’s right. Every man in this room is a job loss away from losing their woman. You think you know her right now, you don’t know shit. Lose your job for three weeks, motherfucker, and you will meet her. Every man in this room is a job loss away. Okay? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack going, “What’s your plans, n*gga? How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” Yo, man. It’s a harsh, cold world, man. But I brought this on myself, man. When you get older, you learn shit, man. But, you know, women cheat, too. Women cheat. We don’t do this shit by ourselves. Women cheat, too. They’re just better at it than guys. Guys, we’re horrible cheats. We always get caught late night, come home smelling like hotel soap. Your woman’s like, “What’s that smell?” “I don’t know.” Then you take off your clothes and a little bar of soap falls out your ass. “I knew it!” It’s crazy that guys, we get caught so easy. It’s so easy to catch us ’cause it’s always the new chick. It’s the new chick at work, new chick at school. “Ah, that bitch.” Women, when you catch a woman, it’s always some motherfucker you done met ten times. He been all up in your house, he drank your Pellegrino. Then one day you give him a good look, you’re like, “Wait a minute. Craig ain’t in the book club. This n*gga can’t read.” Oh, man. I’m retired, I’m… This cheat shit, I’m done. I’m done. You get a certain age, you got in a lot of shit, lose enough shit, it’s like, “Fuck this, I’m done cheating.” I… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl, be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right. I ain’t cheating at all. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know. Like I keep half a Viagra in my wallet, just in case she ever goes through an “old comedians” phase. “Rihanna fucked Eddie Griffin. Shit, I gotta get over there.” “Fucking Eddie Griffin. Goddamn!” It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time. You know, I date some girls my age and some little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out your house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where are you going? It’s your place.” They used to wanna cuddle or something. Them motherfuckers be gone. And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man and I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God, young girls like to get on top, always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride. Let me get on top. Let me ride it, let me ride it, let me ride.” You can’t get no 45-year-old woman to get on top. She’s like, “N*gga, you lucky I’m laying like this. I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” But them young girls like, “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top.” I’m laying back, this girl’s bouncing on my dick, I can’t tell if I’m fucking or changing oil. “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you because you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put, Cedric the Entertainer?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt naked, holding a microphone… and a tambourine. I’m out of here. Y’all take care. Thank you. [mic thuds] [“Can I Live II” by JAY-Z playing] ♪ Yeah, is y’all n*ggas finished, yo? ♪ ♪ Is y’all n*ggas finished? ♪ ♪ Got your little radio play Your little BDS, huh ♪ ♪ You finished, n*gga? ♪ ♪ Huh, huh, y’all finished? ♪ ♪ Can I live, huh? ♪ ♪ Can I live, yo, you’re being stingy With the fucking music again, yo ♪ ♪ Yo, yo… Yo I blacks out I pulls the MAC out ♪ ♪ Scream “What’s that about?” Then I clap out ♪ ♪ I get my plot on and my drop on Through the rotten ♪ ♪ Don’t even hate on those who hate me I got Pac on ♪ ♪ Feeling it Chickens are ice grilling it ♪ ♪ Cops pulling it over Jigga react militant ♪ ♪ Speed off Officer told me turn the beat off ♪ ♪ I turned it a level higher Then return the devil’s fire ♪ ♪ I’m raised different React in situations n*ggas lay stiff in ♪ ♪ Rookies blame it on the age difference ♪ ♪ My subliminal flows Create criminal odes ♪ ♪ Sing along if y’all with me Till the end of the road ♪ ♪ I’m cynical When in the view of the public ♪ ♪ And this is because I’m defensive when I’m in interviews ♪ ♪ The percentage who don’t understand Is higher than the percentage who do ♪ ♪ Check yourself What percentage is you? ♪ ♪ Can I live, for all my n*ggas With all white Air Force Ones ♪ ♪ And black guns, stack ones, yo ♪ ♪ Can I live, for all my chicks… ♪ * * * [Dave Chappelle] You’re the best. [Chris] You’re the best. [Dave] Whatever it is… [man 1] We’re all the best. Whatever you do, your shit moves me. Like, I seek out… [man 2] I would rather see this than the old days, when Michael and Prince were fighting, and one motherfucker end up falling off a lifeboat. [man 1] Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. I saw that. Fuck them, you know? You know that story? [man 1] I remember. Oh, my God. Eddie and Richard only got together for the movie. They were not cool. Richard and Cosby weren’t cool. The first time I saw Eddie and Richard together, Richard’s on stage in The Original Room. And he’s performing. And Rashon brings him a note. And Richard looks at the note, and he puts it away and he keeps working a little bit. The note says, “Eddie Murphy is here.” So, Richard’s working. Richard finally says, “There’s a young man here. A lot of people say that he’s the new me, but I’m not finished being me yet, so that shit is… That fucks with me… His name is Eddie Murphy.” And everybody goes crazy. He says, “You wanna come up, so I can get to know you?” [Chris chuckling] Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow! Oh, wow! “How about put your hands together for Eddie Murphy.” Eddie walks in the main room, comes up to that one step on, right. He steps up on the stage, they shake and meet for the first time, and Richard walks away, but doesn’t leave. He sits on that step, that one step down in The Original Room, he sits, and sits and watches Eddie work. So, for Eddie, it’s like, Richard’s sitting here… Oh, man. [Chris chuckles] …and Eddie turns the motherfucker out. And Richard stands at the end, and Eddie comes to the step, they walk away together. It was the greatest fucking moment. Yeah, I’ll say it… ♪ Two kids, one job, and no man ♪ ♪ All my chicks getting that washing set With their welfare check ♪ ♪ Haha, all the mamis dame un beso All right ♪ ♪ Yeah All my n*ggas rocking them fitted caps ♪ ♪ Trying to get at this rap Know what I mean? ♪ ♪ All my cats with open cases Big cars, and no license ♪ ♪ I like that shit, I see y’all ♪ ♪ All my n*ggas that say pause After they say some fucked up shit ♪ ♪ Haha, rock on and, uh… ♪ ♪ Jigga shit Roc-A-Fella forever, yo ♪ ♪ Uh, Major Coins… ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Doug Stanhope: Beer Hall Putsch (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-beer-hall-putsch-transcript/

Recorded live at Dante’s in Portland, Oregon We are downstairs in the Dante’s green room in Portland, Oregon, shortly before we start taping the new special, beer hall putsch. What’s a putsch? Beer hall putsch. What’s that? It was Hitler’s early failed attempt At overthrowing the German government in ’24, where he’d work everyone up into a lather in the beer hall with 1,500 people screaming about the government. He got them all to race out into the streets and, “we’re going to take this shit over.” And then a few people got killed, So he ran like a pussy. Because this is, like, ground zero of when we branched out to do our own thing, and it’s really cool-looking. We can’t really play here because we have too big of a draw. So it’s nice to be able to film here. It’s dark. It’s creepy. It has a history with us. It’s just… It has a good feel. And I fucking hate doing theaters. I wish all comedy specials were filmed in fucking 75-seaters, like old Lenny Bruce. Smoky room, low ceiling. This one’s not real low ceiling, but it’s got the feel. Let’s go drink. Some people say, “yeah. I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” You go, “okay.” But that means you have to have a good time to have a good time. How do you pull that off? Just assume the universe knows it’s your Friday so some organic good time will swell out of the woodwork and appear at a certain time. You read the weekly and find the editor’s best bet and you email all your dumb friends in their cubicles, “let’s meet up. “We found a local eatery that’s well reviewed. “It has vegan options for Sheila. We’ll meet there at 7:40.” “Where is Sheila? She’s late. “Our sober good time starts in 40 minutes. “Call her on her cell phone. Maybe we can order for her “because we don’t want to be late for our sober good time. It starts in…” Maybe you came here tonight to have a good time without drinking. That means you’re solely reliant on me being funny, which is a 50/50 shot at best in these waning years of my career. If I suck, you’re fucked. All that sober good-time planning and the mapquesting and the finding the parking. And then I just… I was off. I was too fucked up that night, and I… Now the blame’s on you. I don’t take those chances. I drink to have a good time. It’s a failsafe. I take whatever mundane shit I was doing anyway, and I just start pouring booze on top of it. And within a short amount of time, it’s fantastic. I’m talking to some shingle salesman in an airport bar, and he’s showing me pictures of his dogs on his cell phone camera. “And that’s miss patsy and this is patriot. I call him patriot because I got him at 9/11 and…” Within five drinks, that guy’s hilarious to me. I’m hugging that guy on the way to his gate. I’m swapping phone numbers. I have a problem? No, lady. I have a solution. You have a problem… With your sober good time. I’ll feel like shit in the morning, but I’ll know exactly why… Because I got hammered. You wake up, you feel like shit, you worry. “Did I forget to take my omega-3s? “My glands are swollen. “Did I touch a toilet handle without sanitizing? I’m not sure exactly.” Well, you should have been drunk. And you just… you wake up and go, “fuck. It’ll go away by the afternoon.” I did stop drinking Jagermeister as though it were some, like, miraculous life choice. I bragged to people when I stopped drinking Jagermeister, like I’m doing bikram yoga now and eating tofu. I’m still hammered all the time, But it’s not jager, which is just a shitty drink. At some point, I saw a clip of myself on stage yelling at the bar, drunk, “hey, can I get a shot of Jagermeister?” But I could see me. Like, in my head, I’m young. But then I saw I’m just an old fucking dude. And just the word Jagermeister coming out of your mouth is some desperate cry to be young again. And it’s like the old guy’s a silver-haired fox, but he still has two hoop earrings. And he’s like, “hey, ladies.” Don’t be that fucking dude. Just drink something clear. ‘Cause… Jake LaMotta, the fighter, is a neighbor of ours in Bisbee, Arizona. He lives two blocks down. If you don’t know Jake LaMotta, he was a fighter, a legendary fighter. The movie Raging Bull. Yes. No? Yeah? Robert De Niro. For you 22-year-olds, let me explain. Robert De Niro used to be an actor in the moving pictures. Yeah. One of his greatest roles was that playing Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. It was a real guy that’s our neighbor. And we never met him till, last year, A mutual friend brought him to the house to watch football. And we’re wicked excited. Like, fucking Jake LaMotta ‘s coming here. And they brought him over. He’s like 91. There’s no Jake LaMotta left of the Jake LaMotta. So we’re all, like, happy. And they bring him in, and we’re like, “” like, for a boxer, my age they’re fucked up, and he’s twice that. So they bring him in. He’s fucking up… They have him by one elbow, 91 years old. And they plop it on the couch like an eggplant. And we’re like, “Jake LaMotta ‘s here.” And he’s got a trophy wife who’s 30 years his junior, which means she’s still in her 60s, so… The trophy is a bit tarnished at this point. It’s no Stanley cup anymore. It’s more of a bowling trophy. And she’s a very sweet woman. She has all the characteristics of trophy wife. She has bleached blonde hair, And the 60-year-old tit job is forced up so the good parts are showing through the top. And you go… okay. And she’s very sweet. And she’s trying to distract from… Jake LaMotta doesn’t know where he is. He doesn’t know he’s watching football. He’s confused on the couch. The only time he showed any cognitive recognition of his surroundings… I saw him scrambling with his cigarettes And fumbling and looking to the door like, “who will walk me out so I can smoke?” And I said, “it’s okay, Jake. You can smoke in the house.” And he went, that’s how fucking deep cigarettes get you. Nothing else. He said, “” then straight back to confusion. So his wife is very sweet. And she’s talking to me and bingo. “I can’t believe we’ve lived here so long, And we’ve never met. And it’s so nice.” And at some point, she says, “you know, Jake and I “are doing a play on Saturday night “at the central school in old Bisbee. “We’d love it if you’d come. I wrote it myself,” she says. Really? All by your little lonely? That fucking half-cadaver on my couch didn’t chime in with some of his great ideas of how the script should be written for the arc of the story? And normally you would have to stun gun me, cattle prod me to get me into a play. I’m not interested… until I spend an hour and a half with Jake LaMotta at my house. That’s gonna be live on stage? I’m not missing this for the world. And we went, and it lived up to every awful expectation that we had. It was so tragic. She wrote it herself. It’s called Lady and the Champ. And she wrote it, so thank god it’s mostly her. And she has an acoustic guitar, So she’ll tell some stories and anecdotes and then sing some show tune kind of things. ♪ In the corner stands a boxer and a fighter by his ♪ And you’re like, “god.” And then they plop the champ out on the other side of the stage in a chair. And they sit him down. He still has no idea where he is. He still thinks he’s watching football at my house. And his only job is to pepper the script with some one-liners and some shadow boxing. So occasionally, he stands up,” “I fought Sugar Ray so many times, I got diabetes.” Which is not a bad line for a fucking 91-year-old boxer, except the champ forgets he already did the line. So moments later, he stands back up, “I fought…” in the middle of a song, “I fought Sugar Ray.” And they have to come out. They can’t stage whisper to him because he’s deaf as a stump. So they physically have to come out and push him back down in his chair and yell at him, “not yet, champ! Wait till the end of the number, and then you do the… Okay? All right.” And we’re in the back of the room fucking dying. Like it’s quiet, we’re having to bite our hands like children in church trying not to giggle. And… it was like seeing if Mr. Schiavo brought Terri Schiavo on the road as a song and dance act. ♪ Hello, my honey, hello, my baby ♪ ♪ hello, my ragtime ♪ “Thank you! Terri and I will be “selling merchandise after the show. Terri will lick your t-shirts for you to personalize them as a little souvenir of the great time we had tonight here.” And as much as I’m enjoying it for all the worst reasons, there’s part of my head going, “all right. How long before that’s you?” How many… I’ve been doing this shit 23 years. How long? I’ve taken a lot of shots to the head, Just like the champ. How long before that final synapse in my brain burns out that would have told me, “don’t do this anymore. You’re embarrassing yourself thoroughly.” But I have my trophy wife, bingo. She doesn’t want to get a real job, So she’s just shoving me out on the stage. “Go get ’em, champ.” “Jagermeister! Maybe it already happened. I don’t know. Maybe I’m… maybe this is being filmed to… “don’t do this anymore.” I live every day of my life Like it’s my last day on earth, kids. And I really… Don’t clap. You don’t know how I live. That makes it even more sad and pathetic that I would willingly choose to spend any given last day on earth immobilized on a couch, sweating, watching a marathon of storage wars, completely content with that. Friends going, “come on. Let’s do something, man. “Let’s go out. I came all the way down. Let’s go live life.” You’re like, “fuck you. I ain’t getting up. “I’ve had to piss for the last four episodes. “My prostate is welded shut like a lug nut. “And I don’t give a shit. I’m not getting up. “I got to find out what’s in that safe. “Very important to find out after the commercial break what could possibly be in that safe.” You guys all have interests and you do shit. And I don’t. Yeah. Try doing nothing as long as me. I have “house arrest” on my bucket list just so I have an excuse for why I can’t go do the dumb shit you like that I don’t understand. “I’m sorry. I’d love to see your friend “play the flamenco guitar, but I got the anklet. Sorry.” Go right back to watching fucking hoarders. I watch hoarders. I see shit I need. I do. Like they brought the yard sale into my living room And I just poke around. I’m not following the dialog. I’m just looking at their shit. “Bingo, they have an orange microwave. “Rewind it. Pause. “That’s an orange mic… “how do you get an orange microwave? “Underneath the stack of the newspapers and the mummified cat is an orange microwave. “Find it on Amazon. That might fill the void in my soul. Orange.” Because that’s… I don’t even drunk dial people anymore because I have nothing to say. But I drunk eBay and Amazon. I buy shit when I’m blacked out. Which is… Ebay is the worst, because if I get outbid, then I take it personal when I’m drinking. Like you just fucking looked at my girlfriend weird. “Outbid me? I’m going to fucking outbid you. Yeah, I’ll wait. I’ll wait. “Come on. Do it. Outbid me? “Outbid you! Because you probably have kids. “I don’t. I don’t have a lot of money, but every penny I have is disposable because I don’t have children. I bought a shitty, cheap house On the Mexican border. My nut is 800 bucks a year in property tax. I could beg that. You? You’re gonna outbid me, eventually you’re gonna realize, “‘shit, my children have to go to college,’ and I’m gonna realize, ‘shit. “‘I need a vintage pachinko machine in my house for some unknown reason.’ “outbid you. You lose. I’m a giant winner… Somehow.” Way worse than drunk dialing, because drunk buying shit, you don’t even remember you did it For five to seven business days. You walk out of your house, and ups is building some corrugated great wall of China outside. Like, “what did I do now? “What did you get yourself this time, “Mr. Christmas in July? Miracle socks, as seen on TV.” Actual purchase. I don’t have circulation problems, But evidently when I drink on Ambien, that’s some underlying fear I didn’t even know I had, is deep vein thrombosis. “I’m going to die. Maybe that’s why I never work Australia. That long flight could kill me with deep vein thrombosis.” I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. Just come on. I beat cancer. I never had it. That’s how I beat it. Like I’ve… You survived it? I beat the fuck out of it, but by not getting it. I’ve courted cancer every day of my life. I have done everything but fucking paid cancer’s taxi fare to my hotel. Won’t show up. That’s beating it. You survived it, you’re like tied. I get the number one seed in the bracket over you, survivor. I’m a winner. But there is an afterlife, and if I can give you any hope in this show, I have definitive proof of an afterlife. I didn’t get weird or go religious on you. I’m not saying there’s a god. I don’t know what the afterlife entails, but here’s the proof. My mother killed herself in 2008. Don’t worry. This is a fun story. It was the best death you could ever be part of. She was dying of emphysema at 63. Her brain was still with it, but her… She was drowning in her own fluids. She’s being permanently water boarded by 45 years of Kool milds. She can’t take it anymore. We knew it was gonna happen. When she made the call, “I can’t do it.” I’m like, “all right, ma. We’ll do what we can.” I’m like, “all right. Ma’s gonna kill herself.” I don’t know what to do. Like that’s… Okay, we know it’s gonna happen, But when you say, “we’re gonna do it,” I’m not gonna go buy you a fucking shotgun. Like, “have fun, ma.” So I don’t know what to do. I don’t kill people. It’s just… It’s not something, like, I fantasize about it. If my mother were Nancy Grace, I’d have been all over it. Like I have plans. But my mother was a great person, so I’m like, “how do we do this right?” So I called my lawyer. I have three lawyers. We have… Like, we’re jewed up big with lawyers in L.A. for this shit, all the camera people and recording contracts. Then I have my local Bisbee attorney that helps me with… like, I got married when I was 20 and I had 24 years of marital bliss, till I remembered, “fuck. I never divorced that girl I drunkenly married in Vegas.” That’s for another DVD. So he… But then we have our third lawyer, who’s a comedy fan. He’s our, like wink-wink, nudge-nudge, Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad attorney. That he handles all the creepy shit, like when me and Andy are up late at night doing blow and thinking of… “call Kirschner. “See how much jail time we could… Could we go to prison if we actually did this?” He’s that guy. So I called him, knowing he’d hook me up with a doctor on the down low, as we say in the black community, as a black person. He gave me the number to a doctor. And I go, “hey, my mother’s gonna cash out, and I don’t know what to do.” He said, “what do you have?” I go, “I’ve got Xanax out the ass.” On the border, you can get all the fucking Xanax you want. He’s like, “that’s no good. That’s anti-anxiety. Does she have hospice care?” “Yeah, she does.” “Then she should have morphine.” “Ma, you got morphine?” “Yeah, I got morphine.” “All right. She’s got morphine.” We worked out the dosages and the milligrams. And he goes, “if she has 30 of those, That’s enough to kill any human being on the planet.” She had fucking 90. Like, “okay. We’re good. Okay.” “We never talked. Remember that.” “Okay, doc.” So I’m like, “all right, we’re gonna do this. First of all, bring her to my house.” Because she lived in 300 square feet of hoarder paradise. Old electric bills with spider webs all crammed… Like it’s depressing enough if you’re gonna help your mother kill herself. But we’re gonna go to my house. We’ll tidy up, we’ll… So we set her up with a hospital bed in the living room. She had been aa off and on for my whole life. She had, at this point, been four years sober. And I’m like, “you’re not gonna kill yourself sober, right? You can’t take those chips with you.” Right? She’s like, “yeah. You’re right. Why would I do that? That’s dumb.” So she… In her heyday, She was a Black Russian drinker, So I set out a mini bottle of Ketel one and a mini bottle of Kahlua with her pills. “For whenever you’re ready. Let me know.” We laid down ground rules. I said, “ma, if you’re gonna kill yourself, seriously, “you can’t do it on Sunday or Monday “because that’s football, and that’s a dick move. “If you can call your own time to leave this planet, “don’t do it during someone else’s planned event. Don’t be an asshole.” And she did it the Saturday before football. That was great. She came in on Thursday. Saturday night, she goes, “it’s time.” And I’m like, “time for what? Like medication?” “No, it’s time.” And like, “fuck. This is real.” So I wake up bingo. Like it’s going on. We start mixing up White Russians. She decided to make Black Russians White Russians Because she thought the milk would coat her belly better for taking all the pills. Like mother till the end. “Do you have whole milk?” “I got skim.” “Skim’ll work. “I just don’t want to throw up the pills. Chicken soup for the suicide.” It was so fucking… It was so sweet. So we’re whipping up drinks and… I didn’t so much assist a suicide as bar back it. Like, I’m in there mixing drinks Because we’re all drinking. We watch Bad Santa together, her favorite movie, together. She had a very dark sense of humor. I didn’t come from nowhere. My mother used to review porn on the man show. She was fucking dark like us. So we watched Bad Santa, and she’s trying to choke down these pills. She had a very hard time taking pills. So she’s just gagging and just getting them down. So I’m keeping a vague count. When she got around 30, a little over, I’m like, “ma, that’s good. You don’t need to do anymore. You’re fine.” And she said, “I don’t want to take any chances.” She was so scared of fucking up. She took all 90 morphine. The… We’re sitting there in horror, going, “you’re wasting… Ma… “They said 30 of those would kill any human being alive. “You could leave 60 of them for me and bingo “as our only inheritance other than the last 17-year-old blind cat you have, Georgia.” Yeah, we could have 60 morphines to have spontaneous memorials For mother every year and again.” “Remember mom? Pop a morphine. “Whoo! What a great lady. What a crazy old bitch.” No. Hoarder till the end. All fucking 90. And then we fucked with her. I remember her last words as she’s coming in and out. Because we’re just goofing on her as she’s doing this, as she’s fading in and out. I didn’t even know if she would respond. She was just hammering cocktails, she… And she’s laying there, half in, half out, with a White Russian on her chest that she’d occasionally get to her mouth, and it’d spill. You know when you come off the wagon, You hit it fucking hard. And it’s pretty bad when you’re trying to keep up drinking with an 83-pound, 63-year-old woman. “Aagh.” And I go, “wow. You’re really knocking those back, ma.” And she goes, “there’s times to be dainty, and there’s times to be a pig.” And we all laughed. And this is mother’s problem throughout her life. She was a funny lady, sporadically. But when she would get a laugh, she would just hammer it and over-tag it and repeat the joke. Like, just keep… “I can keep getting a laugh off the same joke.” And it would ruin the joke. And when we all laughed at “there’s times to be a pig,” I saw her go into… She’s gonna… and I go, “shut your fucking mouth. Those are perfect last words. You’re not gonna ruin this joke. Cut the mic on mother.” And then we just roasted her as she fell in and out. We just did a friar’s club roast, making fun of her and making it a fun, dark suicide. “Ma, wait. They found a cure.” “I love you, but fuck you. I was a bad mother. I love you, I love you.” At one point, I remember I said, “ma, if there’s any kind of white light situation, “that other side that you get to, “if you can communicate with us Houdini-style, “see if there’s any way that you can make the saints “cover eight points at Oakland tomorrow because I have money on the game.” And they did. The saints fucking blew them out… October 12, 2008. The saints won 34 to 3. I’m not saying that’s proof of an afterlife. That was just 40 bucks that I won. Proof of the afterlife is this. If there were no afterlife, how could my mother have bought me and my friends so many nice things from the skymall catalog on her credit card four days after she passed from this earth? Answer me that, your honor. Answer me that. In fact, I’d like to enter these credit card receipts into evidence, against the advice of my attorney. “Look at that. Four days. “I had to swear on your Bible “just to testify in my own defense. “Your silly fake Jesus only lasted three days “before he ran out of that cave like a pussy. “My mother? Four days, relaxing up there. She’s drunk eBaying like I do!” That last piece of that story has special meaning to me because in my entire career, that’s the only chunk of material I’ve ever had that had a statute of limitations before I could comfortably tell it on stage. Three-year statute for credit card fraud. After that, fuck you. Mother didn’t want some silly gravestone. That doesn’t do anything. Mother wanted me to have a voice-activated remote control R2-D2 doll. I’m just saying we all occupy in our own way. You occupy your fucking filthy Portland hippie selves because you hate the 1% and you hate the banks because of their predatory-lending practices against the people, and enslave them in a lifetime of debt. What’d you do about it? You stunk up a park for almost a year. I occupy far more efficiently. Maybe you should look to me for leadership. I hate the banks as well, as we all do. How did I fuck them? I spent three hours jacking up Mother’s chase bank visa card after she’s dead up to its $10,000 limit, buying dumb shit that no one needs and sticking them with the bill because she had no estate except for that blind, fucking last cat. If you want to repo that, have at it. That actually caused damage to the bank. Not sitting around with a dog with a kerchief and a cardboard sign, “doo doo doo doo,” slapping on drums in a drum circle. The fucking occupy movement was such a letdown because you seemed like me. Angry, and we’re gonna take to the streets. And, holy shit, around the globe, people are, “fuck this. We’re gonna do something.” And what did you do? You fucked up a park. All you fucked up in a year is some guy’s day who wanted to throw a frisbee for his dog, but he couldn’t because you’re all camped out there. You hate the banks? Don’t fuck up the park. Fuck up the bank. Who’s in charge of this project? Next time, me! “We don’t really have leadership.” You needed some! You have 500 angry people in a park. Go break them up into squads of 20. You can fuck up every branch of bank of America in a 50-mile radius. Go there, and not as anarchists, either. Throwing bricks through the windows? What are you, a fucking teenager? Have some ingenuity. You line up as customers at 8:00 in the morning. They only have two desks to do actual commerce other than cashing checks and shit. You clog up those two desks as bogus customers. Sit down, cross your legs, apply for frivolous loans all day long. That’s a lot of paperwork for every frivolous, “yes, I need a billion dollars for an ant farm. “Sharpen some pencils. “That’s a big stack of paperwork. I’d love some coffee.” You comb your dreadlocks over to one side, put on your $3 salvation army suit, and you clog up all their time. “Or you could deny me the right to apply for the loan, “and then I sue the fuck out of you for discrimination, causing even more damage to your bottom line.” Rather than just sitting out there in a park Getting tear-gassed by cops. What does that do? What are you accomplishing? “I got it on tape. Police abuse.” Yeah, police abuse people. That’s how it works. You’re never gonna win. Yeah. Well, you want to fight that, And eventually they’ll go, “it was justified.” “I was laying there. I’m paralyzed. I was face-down in the park. They tased me.” “Justified.” Yeah. Why aren’t you the cops? That’s a better idea. You had a fucking year in the park. The first week of occupy, you should have called everyone with no police record out, made them go apply to be police. You’d have had people that have gotten through the academy. They’re in the works now. They’re moles on your side. They’re sitting there in a riot helmet with a Bluetooth underneath the star wars helmet, calling you in the park, giving you heads-ups. “Hey, Kevin. “You might want to put on a gas mask around 7:45 A.M., you know what I’m saying?” “Thanks, Shane, but we’re already wearing gas masks “’cause we haven’t showered in 7 1/2 months, “and Angela’s snatch is really starting to reek up “the pup tent something ferocious. “But keep fighting the good fight. Power to the people!” Good Christ. You could have done so much with that. There’s a fucking million ways you could have been clever. That’s why I love WikiLeaks and anonymous, ’cause they’re actually in there. They’re fucking with the system. They’re not sitting around chanting and slapping bongos. Bradley Manning didn’t get to release all that information by sitting in a drum circle. He had to get inside. That’s why you should fucking read up on scientology. And I’m serious. Scientology is brilliant. Read this book inside scientology. It’s a breakdown of how that evil motherfucker created that religion in a modern time. Every other religion people believe in, you only believe in it because all your ancestry did. This guy had to create this and sell it to adults recently. It’s as stupid as any other religion, but how did he do it? How did he create this leviathan? Read this book inside scientology and apply those evil tactics to occupy, and you have a fucking winning recipe. You follow l. Ron Hubbard’s intimidation, infiltration, harassment, blackmail, complete abuse of the legal system, Where you just turn a cross-eyed stink look at scientology, and they’ll sue you into poverty. You use that for good. You know what l. Ron Hubbard didn’t have In his master plan for world domination? Drum circle! It doesn’t do anything! No one wants to hear that. It’s annoying as shit. You had enough time in a year to learn how to play real instruments. You could have had a whole New Orleans-style jazz swing band that people want to hear. But instead, what? I’m not against you. I appreciate the passion. I don’t know how anyone who has a cause in life where they put that much time and effort Into trying to change something… How do you pick one thing? How do you wake up in the morning and look at the billions of things that suck on this planet? You log into your Yahoo! News And it’s just countries you didn’t even know were countries Have problems you didn’t even know existed. How do you pick one sliver of that And decide, that’s the one. We have to print up t-shirts and have a car wash. I would be so confused. I want to make change. How do you pick something if it hasn’t affected you? Juvenile diabetes? Well, I don’t know, but I have Lots of free time during the day. I guess I should… wait. Spina bifida, and the guy’s right here, and he’s uncomfortable to look at. So maybe I’ll go with this guy’s cause. And clitoral circumcision in the third world? I know that gives me a handy excuse for not finding it, but that’s selfish, and I have to stop thinking about me. And as soon as you focus on one thing, here comes Sarah McLachlan on the TV with the skinny, sad puppies and the abused… “in the arms of an angel.” I don’t know why animals always seem to trump any human cause, but they do. And now you’re telling me about fucking corrective rape, which is some weird thing in South Africa, you know? Corrective rape is where they gang-rape lesbians to try to cure them, and I want to… I’m behind that, just to bring attention to it, ’cause the term “corrective rape” is such a good comedy reference that I demand a bigger laugh when I mention corrective rape, But no one knows about it. So, I want to bring attention to your cause. I just don’t know how you pick. If I had any cause over the course of my career that I’ve bitched the most about, It’s overpopulation, which is the root of most of the other problems you care about. Anti-children, but I don’t know where to send a check. I don’t know. Like, what do you do? The only solution that I’ve ever come up with, Which I think is great, but no one’s gotten on board, incentive-based eugenics. Eugenics was a practice of sterilizing people. Hitler got a lot of the credit for it, but it was actually done in this country long before Hitler even knew who he was mad at. We were practicing eugenics in this country. Eugenics was the practice of forced sterilization of undesirables, which sounds bad. And the way they did it was bad ’cause they would… First of all, the force is wrong. You don’t force people to do things they don’t want to do. And, “b,” who decides who’s undesirable? They were doing it in this country At the turn of the 20th century, Which is the 1900s, for a lot of my fans. Early 1900s. To criminals, perverts, which is way too vague, the mentally ill, mentally retarded, homosexuals, which makes perfect sense. We don’t want them breeding. Have little queers running all up and down like gremlins. But if you took away the force, And you just made it incentive-based for people willing to sterilize themselves. Offer up some white trash prizes. You know, Nascar pit pass, meet your favorite driver. All you’ve got to do is snip the sac. “Really?” Year’s supply of sunny delight. You want some sunny d, don’t you? All you got to do is putty up that front hole, lady. You still have two holes left to trick guys out of drinks at the bar. What do we got to do? “Are you telling me, if I cut off my balls, I’m going crossbow hunting with Ted Nugent?” Well, shit, yeah. “No. No, sir, sir, sir. Wait, no. “We don’t actually cut off your balls. We just make a small incision with a local anesthetic.” “Fuck you. I want you to cut off my whole balls. “I’m gonna hang them from my rear-view mirror “like a lucky rabbit’s foot. “I’m going crossbow hunting with the nuge. I ain’t never won nothing in my life.” That’s a workable plan. Can’t argue with that. It just won’t happen. Here’s what I think. If you’re behind whatever you’re behind, we should triage all charity. So we take the most important and most easily solved first. Everyone works on that, and we’ll get to yours eventually. I would start with starving people in a world full of food. That seems easy to solve. You don’t need scientists with lab reports and years, no. There’s lots of shitloads of food. There’s just a transit problem. Get someone from FedEx, get the food there. We live in a place, fucking horse meat is a scandal. They found horse meat. “How dare… my god. Have you heard? “There was horse meat in my frozen, processed lasagna meal. How dare they put a more lean and nutritional meat?” And now we’re gonna dump it by the warehousefuls in the garbage dumps, while people are starving to death on this planet. That makes no sense. I can solve that. Yeah. Take that food and feed the people that don’t have it. And then we get down to the next most important and the wrongly accused and the torture and the thing and the disease and… Occupy is lower, and then, save the manatees even lower than that. And eventually, hopefully, in a perfect world, we’d get down to the bottom, which is toys for tots. How fucking embarrassing is it to live in a country where toys for tots is an actual recognized, legitimate charity? God forbid little Daniel go through some bogus holiday made for some fake deity without Lincoln logs. The horror. The horror. That’s why they have to have marines and bikers enforce that shit like henchmen. ‘Cause otherwise, you’d just go, “fuck you. Toys? There’s starving people.” And then some big, fucking, crew-cut guy. “I fucking fought for your freedom! Give me a goddamned Lego for the kid!” It’s gonna be tough. Whatever your cause, your charity, or your drive, your effort, audit it. Make sure, ’cause so much of it is symbolism over substance, where people think they’re helping by doing nothing. Audit all the time and effort, and see if you’re actually affecting change rather than just, “we’re gonna have a 10k fun run for the cure. “Come on down on Sunday. It’s a 10k fun run for the cure.” Why? Why? When has running ever cured anything? I don’t understand the cause and effect on this. Is that how Jonas salk cured polio, is by speed-walking around the track down at St. Mary’s high school with a wife beater on and a paper number safety-pinned to his back? “We’re doing it for the cure.” How are you curing anything? “Well, what I do is I get sponsors. “And every time I go around the track another time, “my sponsor gives me another quarter for the cure. So I’ve got to go as many times as I…” Are your friends that sick and sadomasochistic that they wouldn’t just cut you a check outright for the cure? They make you do weird shit first? “Larry, you know my daughter was born with cerebral palsy. And we’re trying to get a big fundraiser going.” “Really?” “Yeah. “How many hard-boiled eggs will you eat? “Come on. Come on. You love your kid, right? Come on.” No, they would cut you a check outright, but you’re that much of a fucking megalomaniac that you have to make the cure about you. You need spotlight in this. You could just get a check, But no one’s gonna fucking be, “no. You know, the truth is, I do this same speed walk “at St. Mary’s every morning at 6:30 “before work with my labrador, Sheba. “Trying to shed a few pounds, you know. “But no one claps for me then and calls me heroic. “So I’m gonna do it on Sunday afternoon for the cure, And everyone’s gonna go, ‘go, ray, go!'” yeah, you could do it, but you want to fucking… It’s a 10k fun run about you, you fucking megalomaniac. Stop it. You know you’re not doing shit. You could just get the check from your friend And then actually do something That means something other than running. “We’re getting donations, and we’re petitioning city hall “for a spot in the park to make a big, granite slab “for the victims and the sufferers “and the survivors of the thing. “And then we’re gonna painstakingly etch each name of the people into the stone at great expense.” For what? It’s a fucking chunk of rock. It doesn’t help. Put that time and effort and money Into actually something that’s calculated that actually helps. “We’re gonna knit a SARS quilt. “It’s gonna take all summer long. “‘Cause there’s people with SARS, And they’re chilly with SARS, and they need a quilt.” What? “We’re gonna have a prayer circle. We’re gonna have a candlelight vigil at midnight.” Could you do less? Mathematically. Ask your accountant if there’s any way you could do any less than that. “Well, we are raising awareness.” Raising awareness is another form of doing nothing. Only now you’re making me aware that the nothing that I’ve been doing is not up to par with the nothing that you’re doing For such a noble cause. Why don’t you do my nothing for your cause? We’ll watch storage wars for the cure, and then we’ll both be happy in our impotence. And we’ll find out what’s in that safe. We all win. Raising awareness is me standing next to a drainage ditch where a guy just hit a goat with his moped on the highway. And now they’re in the ditch, Laying in the muck with compound fractures. And the dude’s got a bone sticking through his leg. And the fucking goat’s got a bone sticking through his fur. They’re both laying there in agony. And I’m raising awareness by standing above them, shouting down an empty highway, “look! Look! Eww! Eww, look. Ooh.” And they’re going, “no, help.” And I’m going, “no, no, no. Look!” It’s way easier to just look. Are you aware of breast cancer? Fucking the entire month of October is breast cancer awareness month. The entire country turns pink so you can’t not be aware. All your products, you go to the grocery store. “Usually I buy the progresso soup. “But this month, I’m gonna get the one with the pink ribbon, “so I know that I’ve done all I can to help my fellow man. “I don’t read the fine print that says, “.000001 cents of every can up to a very minimal amount goes to…” it actually goes nowhere near a titty, ever, at all. It goes to more promotional material Asking for more money and to give very dubious medical advice where a lot of titties get chopped off that didn’t need to because we’re an industry, not a charity anymore. I don’t read that part. I just see the pink ribbon and know that I’m helping. You’ve destroyed the color pink. There’s no need for that. I like the color pink, and you’ve ruined it. You see pink, that’s all you can think about. I have a pink bedroom. My bedroom is pink. I can’t sleep in it during October ’cause you just see the color, and all you think about Is giant, metastasizing titties sucking the life out of some poor woman. Why do you fuck up a color? Associate it with something else that’s negative. You know, “traffic and weather brought to you “at the top of the hour on fucking 620 am. “Hey, traffic sucks again. This is brought to you by breast cancer.” And that way, next time you’re stuck in traffic, You go, “wow. Fuck. “This sucks, but not as bad as cancer. Maybe I should try to help.” Don’t fuck up a color. Do you watch football? This is where it went too far with me. The national football league participates in breast cancer awareness month. First of all, why is it breast cancer awareness month rather than cancer awareness month? I assume if you cure breast cancer, that would cure ass cancer and face cancer and shit cancer. It’s cancer. ‘Cause titties sell tickets, stupid! Okay, I forget the marketing angle. Maybe you’re right on that. Still, the national football league participates with the pink gloves and just pink on the players. Where if you think football is stupid, you’re right. But it’s my stupid. You have your stupid. You can judge me in sports. You have your own stupid. You play World of Warcraft or you do renaissance festivals or you fucking win Brian Doyle Murray look-alike competitions or fucking do… You grow organic apples and sell them at the farmer’s market. You learn how to speak Italian on the Rosetta Stone so one day you can impress your friends by ordering in Italian at a restaurant and the fucking waiter at Olive Garden looks at you going, ‘I don’t know what you’re saying, dude.” Whatever you do, football is my stupid. That’s what I do for a few hours on a weekend in the fall to forget how much I hate myself. I don’t want to think about breast cancer while I’m watching football to get away from this. It’s hard enough to watch football as it is, if you’re a fan, without constantly thinking about AIDS. You have to push that out of your head. Inherently, if you’re a fan of the game, with the technology that they have now, you watch Monday night football or super bowl, they have cameras now that come down on cables right over the field, like right over the players’ heads, almost touching them. You have 60 inches of high definition. You have a camera panning around 11 men bent up in a huddle, presenting these beautiful, thick man-asses. And it’s zooming in on each one. And it creates this Bangkok whorehouse scenario in your brain. You feel a little tuggle in your sweatpants. And you’re like,” what if they were behind glass in Phuket?” Which one would I select for my evening’s entertainment from the Cambodian guy that runs the place, And he’s got an eye patch. And I go, “ching dai bo dah!” And he pulls the guy out. Number 28. I haven’t even seen all the guys, And I impulse-buy on 28. He’s a halfback with these sinewy horse haunches, leaning into me, and in my mind, before I can make a rational decision, I’ve already leaped over the railing at the field. I’m streaking butt-naked across the field, wearing nothing but a… Wearing an 1800s nightcap that’s striped with a pom-pom. I don’t know why that. But I’m wearing flip-flops ’cause they make you run funnier. But my dick is slapping up and down against my belly. You make you dick however big you want it to be. It’s your fantasy. Have your dick slapping your chest. Have your dick take a tooth out on the way to the huddle. It doesn’t matter. Just get to 28 and yank him out of the huddle and pin him to the ground. Hold him down with one elbow. Peel those… They wear these little lycra pants. They’re so fucking gorgeous. And you just peel them off him. And he’s sweaty. They’re just going to slide off like a wet band-aid. Don’t fuck with the jockstrap. It’s no obstacle to the asshole. You’ll waste your time. Plus, the little straps keep the ass cheek up and focused. Steam comes off his ass. Get your face in there. You huff that steam. You huff it like a gassy rag. Inhale his essence. And you peel those ass cheeks apart with your thumbnails like your cracking a cage-free, farm-fresh egg. And you take your dick. Don’t stab him with it right away. Tease him with it. Here we go. In and up, asshole to tailbone, people. Asshole to tailbone. Watch him struggle. He knows it’s gonna happen. He doesn’t know when. Asshole to tailbone. Pull on his face mask a bit. Twist his neck. Pull on his dreadlocks. And these are not occupy wall street dreadlocks, by the way. This is a black dude. This is straight up racism. This is a hate crime. Because you are pretty sure that your ex-wife used to fantasize about this guy doing similar shit to her. You knew it. Yeah. You want to do that to my wife? You’ll never get a thicker boner Than that angry, racist, jealousy boner. Veins are coming out of the head, And nothing makes you crazier than when you get that boner and you just jam it in him like a fat salamander and you ride. You do that porn angle, where you bend your dick down And do deep knee bends so you can look at the people. You have… 55,000 people are now out of their chairs, on their feet, chanting for you. They love you. They’re like, “fuck that guy! Fuck that guy!” This is his home field, and they’re on your side, all of a sudden. “Fuck that dude, yeah!” They’re spilling beer. You feel the rubber start to slide off of you, but you don’t give a shit. This is my day. They love me. I’m going to launch rainbows of cum into this broken motherfucker. And you do. You’re not even done coming when you pull out. Your dick’s just still fire-hosing, swaying back and forth, getting rid of the last of the spurts. And you have an end zone celebration dance that you’ve worked out in the hallway mirror all season. Little old-school ickey shuffle thing. And you spike the ball right next to his head. He’s blubbering, like, snot bubbles, and crying. He’s not even making an attempt to get up. His asshole is still dilated and spasming. His asshole is winking like a cyclops in a rainstorm, just trying to regain its original shape. One milky tear is dripping down the taint. It’s crying for you. And you float out of this perfect Sunday afternoon and this perfect daydream, back into the stark reality of, it’s just you with some bloated, post middle-age dude with… You’ve got lumps of yellowed gummy cum in your gut hair. And you look around. You feel immediate remorse and shame. I let the rubber come off inside of that guy. How irresponsible is that, knowing what we know today, to just bareback fuck a guy. I don’t know where that guy’s been. I know where he’s going. He’s going into free agency. He’s fucking 32 now. He’s got shit knees. He’s lucky if he’s warming a bench in Jacksonville. But I don’t know where he’s been. To just bareback fuck the guy. I could have fantasy aids as we speak, and I’m gonna do it again. And as you’re dealing with this, you want to escape. You look at the TV. Pink shoes. I have to think about breast cancer on top of this problem? You’re ruining the integrity of the game, breast cancer. This is what we do on Sundays to forget how much we hate ourselves. And I don’t… I hope I didn’t ruffle any feathers. But as an openly gay comedian, I feel a responsibility to talk about a lot of issues that… What, are you gonna test me? You don’t know if I’m lying. I can be as gay as I want to be up here. Fuck you. What, are you gonna strap me to a chair And blow loads in my face to see if I’m fibbing when I say I love it? I’m gay if it fucking… If it needs to be, I’m gay, I’m fucking gay. And you should be gay as… I come out of the closet all the time. It’s something fun for me. Do it all the time. I’m not saying lie to your friends and family Or lead a fake life. But if you’re just in some bullshit social situation around people you don’t know, if you can drop the errant, “I’m gay” in a conversation, not revelatory, like, “I have to tell you.” Just drop it as an aside. “Is it just you and your girlfriend for breakfast?” “That’s not my girlfriend. “I’m gay, but it’s just two of us. Is it a buffet or can I order off the menu?” Just drop in, just, if everyone was just someone… I guess they’re just gay. ‘Cause here’s the thing. I love homosexuality. I defend it. But I hate fagginess because it’s aesthetically unpleasing. The whole “la la la la la” shiny. You don’t have to do that. It’s the same… I have nothing against Jewish people. I hate jewiness. The clammy, “nyah, nyah, nyah. I get all… I’m allergic.” Personally, that’s unpleasing. I hate anyone who leads with their sexuality, homo or hetero. If I know your sexuality in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, You’re fucking annoying. Heteros are the same way. If you have naked lady mud flaps or you go, “after your show, you want to go to Hooters?” Or you just watch the game for the cheerleaders. Just go into a basement and jerk off, You fucking teenager, 13-year-old, And then come back when we can have a regular conversation. So, it’s not… That’s why I like to come out of the closet as just a normal dude. A guy on the plane going, “yeah, I remember “when stewardesses used to be hot. Now they’re all fat.” And you go, “yeah. I’m right with you, buddy. “I fucking… thank Christ I’m queer, ’cause they are fat as shit.” But just because maybe somewhere around you, when you just drop a normal “I’m gay” in a conversation, there is an adolescent kid who’s just coming to terms with the fact that he’s gay, and he’s fucking terrified, not only of just being gay. Maybe he thinks he has to be “jump out of the cake and ride a fucking float, assless chaps, ice capades” gay. And he hears you say it just like a normal dude, “I’m gay.” And he goes, “I can do that. “I can be just regular Anderson Cooper, Todd Glass, Joel Osteen f*ggot.” And you give them courage. And it’s in the supreme court now for gay marriage. And I hope you get it. Get the right to marry, and then don’t. It’s important to get the right, not just symbolically, but sometimes you have to be married to game the system. You need the insurance. You need the inheritance. You need to pull the plug. Maybe you just need to get someone cool into the country. So you need it for that. But don’t if you don’t have to. It’s kind of like the civil rights movement, where black people had to fight for the right to eat at the same lunch counter. Once you won that right, I hope you didn’t. Guy’s a fucking racist. Why would you support his business unless you’re just trying to fuck with him and show up just ’cause he doesn’t want you? Which I understand, and maybe that’s where you started not tipping. If so, every tradition has to start somewhere. Let’s just hope it was for a good cause. Have a great night, Dante’s, Portland. It was nice to be back. I’ll see you soon. Have a good night. So do you mind just coming back downstairs? Yeah. I just told them I would. Great. Sorry. We have another camera. No, that’s it. We said one camera. You want them to come back up too? Do you want them to follow you? What? Do you want… You just asked me to come back down the stairs. Yeah, do you want them to follow you Or do you want to just… They’ll just catch you. No, no. That’s fine. I was just confused. Yeah. Take two, I’m coming down the stairs. All right. Hi. That was a show brought to you by me.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

George Carlin: Politically Correct Language

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-politically-correct-language/

I know I’m a little late with this, but I’d like to get a few licks on this totally bogus topic before it completely disappears from everyone’s consciences. First I want to be really clear about one thing: as far as other people’s feeling are concerned—especially these “victim groups”—when I deal with them as individuals, I will call them whatever they want. When it’s one on one, if some guy wants me to call him a morbidly obese, African-ancestored male with a same gendered sexual orientation I’ll be glad to do that. One the other hand if he wants me to call him a fat n*gger c0cksucker, than that’s what it will be. I’m here to please. If I meet a woman who wishes to be to be referred to as a motion-impaired, same gender-oriented Italian-American who is difficult to deal with, fine. On the other hand, I am perfectly willing to call her a crippled, Guinea dyk3 c*nt if she prefers. I’m not trying to change anyone’s self image. But! But! When I am speaking generally, and impersonally about a large group of people, I will call them what I think is honest and fair. And I will not try and bullshit myself. Okay, so, who exactly are these victims? Well, first of all, I don’t think everyone who says he is a victim automatically qualifies. I don’t think a homely, disfigured, bald minority person with a room temperature IQ who limps and stutters is necessarily always a victim. Although I will say that she probably shouldn’t be out trying to get work as a receptionist. But maybe that’s just the way it oughtta be. I’m more interested in the real victims. People who have been fucked over by the system. Because the United States is a Christian racist nation with a rigged economic system run for three hundred years by the least morally qualified of the two sexes, there were bound to be some real victims. People who have been elaborately fucked over. The way I see it, this country has only four real victim groups: Indians, blacks, women and gays. I purposely left out the Spanish and Asians, because when you look at what happened to the Indians and the blacks, the Spanish and Asian people had a walk in the park. It’s not even close. Not to downplay the shit they’ve had to eat, but in about one hundred years the Spanish and Asians are going to be running this country, so they’ll have plenty of chances to get even with the gray people. Let’s get to some of these other non-victims. You probably noticed elsewhere I used the word fat. I used that word because that’s what fat people are. They’re fat. They’re not large; they’re not stout, chunky, hefty, or plump. And they’re not big-boned. Dinosaurs are big-boned. These people are not necessarily obese either. Obese is a medical term. And they’re not overweight. Overweight implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy, it is not fat. Only people are fat. That’s what fat people are. They’re fat. I offer no apology for this. It is not intended as criticism or insult. It is simply descriptive language. I don’t like euphemisms. Euphemisms are a form of lying. Fat people are not gravitationally disadvantaged. They’re fat. I prefer seeing things the way they are. Not the way some people wish they were. I don’t believe groups deserve extra-special names. For instance, midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs. They are not little people. Infants are little people; leprechauns are little people . Midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs. They don’t get any taller by calling them little people. I wish their lives were different. I wish they didn’t have to go around starring at other peoples crotches, but I can’t fix that. And I’m not going to lie about what they are. The politically sensitive commandos would probably like me to call them “vertically challenged”. They are not vertically challenged. A skydiver is vertically challenged. The person who designed the empire state building was vertically challenged. Midgets and dwarfs are midgets and dwarfs. Also, crippled people are crippled. They are not differently-abled. If you insist on using such tortured language as differently-abled, then you must use it on all of us. We’re all differently-abled. You can do things I can’t do. I can do things you can’t do. I can pick my nose with my thumb. I can switch hands while masturbating and gain a stroke. We are all differently-abled. Crippled people are crippled. It’s a perfectly honorable word. There is no shame in it. It’s in the Bible: “Jesus healed the cripples”. He didn’t “engage in rehabilitative strategies for the physically disadvantaged”. So, leaving women and gays aside for a moment, I’ve narrowed it down to blacks and Indians. Let’s talk about what we ought to call them. And remember, this has nothing to do with the people themselves, it has to do with the words. And, by the way, when it comes to liberal language vandals, I must agree with there underlying premise: White Europeans and their descendants are morally unattractive people who are responsible for most of the world’s suffering. That part is easy. You would have to be, uh, visually impaired, not to see it. The impulse behind political correctness is a good one. But like every good impulse in America, it has to be grotesquely distorted beyond usefulness. Clearly, these are victims, but I don’t agree that these failed campus revolutionaries know what to do about them. When they’re not busy curtailing freedom of speech, they’re running around inventing absurd hyphenated names designed to make people feel better. Remember, these are the white elitists in there customary paternalistic role: protecting helpless, inept minority victims . Big Daddy White Boss always knows best. So, let me tell you how I handle some of these speech issues. First of all, I say “black”. I say “black” because most black people prefer “black”. I don’t say “people of color”. People of color sounds like something you see when you are on mushrooms. Besides, the use of people of color is dishonest. It means precisely the same thing as colored people. If you’re not willing to say “colored people” you shouldn’t be saying “people of color”. Besides, the whole idea of color is bullshit anyway. What should we call white people? “People of no color”? Isn’t pink a color? In fact, white people aren’t really white at all, they’re different shades of pink, olive and beige. In other words, they’re colored. And black people are rarely black. I see mostly different shades of brown and tan. In fact, some light-skinned black people are lighter than the darkest white people. Look how dark the people in India are. They’re dark brown but they’re still considered white people. What’s going on here? May I see the color chart? “People of color” is an awkward, bullshit , liberal-guilt phrase that obscures meaning rather than enhancing it. Shall we call fat people, “people of size”? By the way, I think the whole reason we are encouraged in this country to think of ourselves as black and white (instead of pink and brown, which is what we are) is that black and white are complete opposites that cannot be reconciled. Black and white can never come together. Pink and brown, on the other hand, might just stand a chance of being blended, might just come together. Can’t have that! Doesn’t fit the plan. I also don’t say “African-American”. I find it completely confusing. Which part of Africa are we talking about? What about Egypt? Egypt is in Africa. Egyptians aren’t black. They’re like the people in India, they’re the dark brown white people. But they’re Africans. So why wouldn’t an Egyptian who becomes a US citizen be an African-American? The same thing goes for the Republic of South Africa. Suppose a white racist from South Africa becomes an American citizen? Well, first of all, he’d find plenty of company, but couldn’t he also be called an African American? It seems to me that a racist white South-African guy could come here and call himself African-American just to piss off black people. And, by the way, what about a black person born in South Africa who moves here and becomes a citizen? What is he? Is he a African-South-African-American? Or a South-African-African-American? All right. Back to the hemisphere. How about a black women who is a citizen of Jamaica? According to P.C. doctrine, she’s African-Jamaican, right? But if she becomes a US citizen, she’s a Jamaican-American. And yet if one of these language crusaders saw her on the street, he’d think she was African-American. Unless he knew her personally in which case he’d have to decide between African-Jamaican-American and Jamaican-African-American. Ya know? It’s just so much liberal bullshit. Labels divide people. We need Fewer labels, not more!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Brian Regan: On The Rocks (2021) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-on-the-rocks-transcript/

Filmed in 2020 at the Tuacahn outdoor amphitheater, Utah. [upbeat rock music plays] [crowd cheering, applauding] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brian Regan! [audience cheering, whistling] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Well, let’s get the gray hair out of the way. [audience laughing] Because if I don’t, you won’t listen to a word I say for an hour. You’ll be out there, “Did you know anything about the gray hair?” “I’m just as befuddled as you.” [audience laughing] I don’t know what happened either. Covid hit, I went into hibernation and came out a senior citizen. [audience laughing] [audience clapping and cheering] It’s just as well. I was never comfortable in the hair-color aisle anyway. You always have to pretend like you’re there for someone else. “Women, huh?” [audience laughing] I like the difference in hair color names between women and men Women have hair color names like ruby fusion. Chocolate cherry. Butterscotch. Men’s hair color: brown! [audience laughing] Black! Light brown! Dark black! For men, that is the entire color spectrum. I don’t know. I’m at the age where I wake up, the first thing I do is try to remember what doctor I’m going to that day. [audience laughing] Ah, the dermatologist. Because of that splotch on my back. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but I have to put medicine on my back using a spatula. [audience laughing] [chuckles] It’s fun going into the drugstore when they ask, “Can we help you find anything?” And I say, “Yes, a spatula, Lotrimin and a hand mirror.” [audience laughing] Are you intrigued, my lady? [audience laughing] I got my Little Red Riding Hood Walgreens basket, if you could direct me to the proper aisles. [audience laughing, whistling] My dermatologist said he needed to do a biopsy of a little mole on the tip of my nose, and I was like, “Wow, that sounds like it’s going to hurt.” He said, “Don’t worry. We’re going to numb it first with a painkiller.” I said, “How?” He said,  “We’re going to puncture a sharp needle into the tip of your nose.” [audience laughing] So you’re not canceling the pain. You’re just rescheduling it. [audience laughing, cheering] So I go to my regular doctor and he’s like, “What’s going on?” I said, “You tell me. Just above my right knee there’s a little area about three inches up. It’s about the size of a fist. That’s where it doesn’t hurt. [audience laughing] And it feels very peculiar. Do you have a pill that can make everything else feel like that? I want an ‘everything else like that’ pill.” My doctor looked at me and said, “Brian, you are way too sedentary.” So I vowed in that moment… to get a dictionary. [audience laughing] I haven’t got around to it, just been laying around the house. [audience laughing] Or is it “lying” around the house? Doctors specialize, right? Last month I went  to an ear, nose and throat doctor. Last week I went to an arch-of-the-foot, small-of-the-back, nape-of-the-neck doctor. [audience laughing] I have fallen arches, my small’s too big, and I have a trick nape. It’s weird, in the human world, there’s a doctor for every body part. But in the animal world, a veterinarian takes care of all animals… and all their parts. That’s got to be the hardest job in the world. Where are the bighorn sheep knee doctors? [audience laughing] The wildebeest gastroenterologists? The giraffe throat, throat and throat doctors? [audience laughing and applauding] [audience cheering and whistling] They say the American medical system is the best in the world. I’ll be impressed when I am no longer handed a clipboard when I check in for my doctor visit. That is so Stone Age. You know, we live in a world of bar codes and microchips. What’s with the clipboard? “I’m here for my 10 o’clock appointment.” “Here’s your clipboard. There’s 257 pages on there.” “Here’s a pen with a flower on it.” [audience laughing] “Go sit with all those other people and don’t even think of coming back to this counter till you’ve completely filled out your clipboard.” [audience applauding] “I’ve been a patient here for many years. You should have all this information.” “Well, our policy is we do it every year. We give you another clipboard. And that way you can experience angst and tension and rage and downright fury, all roiling through your torso.” “And then we take your blood pressure.” [audience laughing and applauding] [Brian chuckles] You can’t fix that and you’re going to fix me? So my doctor told me to get a therapeutic massage for the neck. Um, massages are weird. You know, I never feel comfortable. Always looking through that strange doughnut hole. [audience laughing] I’m always thinking weird things like, “I wonder if I could squeeze my head through this.” [audience laughing] “But what if I got stuck underneath the table?” “Then I’d be like an upside-down periscope.” “I’d better leave well enough alone and stay on this side of the doughnut hole.” Then I think things like, “Are my eyes supposed to be open?” “I feel like I’m eavesdropping. I’m watching her feet moving around.” Started thinking weird things like, “What if one shoe went that way and one shoe went that way?” [audience laughing] “I’d be awfully curious as to what was going on.” “Awfully curious.” [audience laughing] So after 10 minutes I said, “I don’t know the protocol… but am I supposed to say, ‘you may begin’?” And she said, “I started 10 minutes ago.” She said, “This is a Reiki massage.” “I don’t actually touch you.” [audience laughing] “My hands are just above you, and it’s an energy healing.” [audience laughing] So when she was done I said, “I don’t actually touch my wallet.” [audience laughing and applauding] “My hand is just above it.” “You should be receiving an energy payment… that you can use to pay your energy bill, see how they feel about the concept.” [audience cheering and applauding] So I’m learning things about myself. I learned recently I suffer from OCD. Uh– [woman whoops] Thank you. [audience laughing] “Suffer” is too strong a word. People say they suffer from things, when that just means they have them. You know, do I look like I’m suffering? I think the word “suffer” should be reserved for a guy writhing on the ground in agony. He’s suffering. Am I allowed to run up to him? “You’re preaching to the choir!” [audience laughing] “I have to alphabetize everything!” [audience laughing] “Quit wriggling. I’m trying to count your ribs.” “I’m a rib counter.” [audience laughing] The alphabetizing thing is not true, at least in my case. People think I’m weirder than I am, and it’s hard for me. They ask questions like, “Brian, with your OCD, do you have to alphabetize your books at home?” And I’m like, “Uh, no.” “I organize my books by when I got them chronologically on the top shelf.” “I don’t have to alphabetize my books. I’m not a kook.” [audience laughing] “And the bottom shelf is for the books I’ve completed reading.” “Organized chronologically by the completion date.” “I don’t have to alphabetize them.” Der! [audience laughing] “And the middle shelf… is for the books I’m in the process of reading.” “When I start reading a book, I move it from the top shelf to the middle shelf and I organize those chronologically by the start date.” I know exactly what you’re wondering. You’re thinking, “Well, wouldn’t reading the title of the book… count technically as being in the process of reading that book?” “Then how would you distinguish between the top shelf in the middle shelf?” Well, the way I do it… [audience laughing] I make myself read all of page one before I allow a shelf change. [audience laughing and applauding] I don’t count the introduction, or the foreword, or the book jacket. I do read all of that word for word, but then I make myself read all of page one all the way to the bottom. Unless it ends in the middle of a sentence, I make myself turn the page. I finish the sentence to complete the thought, I turn the page back. I write down what date that book was started. I move that to the middle shelf furthest on the right. I don’t have to alphabetize my books. I’m not out of my mind! [audience laughing and applauding] How come when you want things in order they call that a disorder? [audience laughing] You know, when I first suspected that I might have OCD, I Googled it. And there are different symptoms. And some I have, and some I don’t. And the ones I have, some I have more strongly than others. So I decided to make a color-coded graph. [audience laughing] I wish I was making this up. I listed the symptoms. I said I’m going to rate from 0 to 10 how strongly I feel I have each symptom. Total it up and divide it by the number of symptoms. [chuckles] [audience laughing] If I’m higher than 5 I’ll seek professional help. If I’m under 5, I’ll self-diagnose that I am A-okay. [audience laughing] Number one: are you the type of person who has to check the stove repeatedly to make sure it’s off? And I’m like, “Uh, zero. That’s Looney Tunes land.” [audience laughing] Number two: are you the type of person who has to wash your hands over and over again? And I had this nagging feeling… that I forgot to answer that first question. [audience laughing] So I looked up– “Yeah, I did write zero. Okay.” “Hand washing.” “Six.” “That ain’t even right.” I scribbled that out. I got some ink on my hands. I went to go wash my hands. While I’m washing my hands I’m like, “Why did they mention stoves?” So I checked the stove. It was on. I’m like, “I’ll never make that mistake again.” And I came back and I changed “hand washing” to 2. [audience laughing] I took the whole test and averaged 5.0. So I’m like, “I still don’t know.” [audience laughing] So I decided to buy a book about it. I go into the bookstore, I ask the clerk, “Can you tell me where the self-help section is?” And she said, “Why don’t you try to find that yourself?” [audience laughing and applauding] Well, I finally found the section. It was so disorganized, I spent the next three hours rearranging all their books rather than finding out whether or not I have OCD! [audience cheering, whistling and applauding] I’ll show you one weird way it manifests itself. Every year when I get the new calendar, I always look ahead because I don’t like the months who are at the bottom. They expect days to share squares. My brain can’t handle that. [audience laughs] “Oh no, October’s going to be square-sharing month.” Why do they do that? Days don’t want roommates. You don’t want the 31st going up to the 24th: “Hey, can I squeeze in there with you?” [audience laughing] “Get the hell out of here!” “There’s empty squares on the top of the next page.” You might think that’s weird, unless one of those days is special to you. If it’s your birthday, you don’t want to be wedged up in the corner of a triangle. “Happy birthday, sort of, kind of squished up here.” And then right across the diagonal it says, “Take trash to dump.” [audience laughing] I’ve always been interested in calendars and time. Uh, I grew up in the Eastern Time Zone. I now live in the Pacific Time Zone. And what’s weird living out there, when anybody from the Eastern Time Zone leaves the voice message, they always feel they have to compute the time difference. I’m always getting messages: “Hey, Brian, it’s, four o’clock my time. That’s one o’clock your time.” [audience laughing] Oh! [groans softly] [audience applauding] I know what time it is where I am. [audience laughing] I have a friend who does that all the time. He recently left this message: “Brian, do me a favor. Call me back. I’m going to be out for about 20 minutes my time, that’s, uh… [audience laughing] Uh, just call me back.” [audience laughing] When? What’s the formula? When I was a kid, it was weird learning about time zones. Learning that there were 24 around the world. I looked at a globe and saw all the lines met at the top, and I thought, “What time is it up there?” Could you put your hand on the pole and walk around, “It’s 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, 6:00!”? [audience laughing and applauding, then cheering] [man] Yeah! How would you plan anything up there? “We’re gonna meet at five o’clock.” [audience laughing] “Where were you?” “I was just south of here.” Well, in addition to the OCD, I also have a little social anxiety. But I force myself to go to parties and stuff, but there are things people do that bug me. [audience laughing] I don’t like when somebody pronounces a word differently than everybody else to try to sound smart. Just say it like everybody else. I’m at this party, I walk up to this group of strangers. First thing I hear, uh, this guy goes, “Another thing about  ‘Jengus’ Khan…” I’m like, “Oh, jeez.” [audience laughing] “I already don’t like this guy.” [audience laughing] I go, “Oh, uh, Genghis Khan?” “It was actually pronounced ‘Jengus.'” [chuckles haughtily] [audience laughing] I’m guessing you were there at the time. You and the Jeng-man palling around town. So I wanted to sound smart. So I was like, “Oh, Jengus Khan, the ‘Mongo-lian em-peror.’ [audience laughing and applauding] [woman cheers] Wasn’t he the ‘con-kerer’ of ‘Cheena’?” [audience laughing] Well, I felt this little circle tighten on me. [audience laughing] I’ve done just been ostracized. Walk up to this second group. And I don’t know what to do when somebody says something I don’t agree with. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as a person. I’ve always grappled with that. I walk up, this woman says, “Animals are smarter than people.” I’m like, “Oh, jeez.” [audience laughing] “I just got here.” [audience laughing] I look at the others like, “Anybody want to take this?” [audience laughing] “Low-hanging fruit.” “I just took the hit over at that little circle.” “If somebody could step up to the plate here so I could hang around for longer than two minutes…” [audience laughing] But nobody else is even looking up, they’re shuffling their shoes… and trying to figure out the dynamic. “They must work for her. Something’s going on.” But I couldn’t say nothing. But I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it either. I don’t know these people. So I decided to make a lighthearted joke. So I said, “Oh, how do animals do on the SAT test?” [audience laughing] [woman] Yeah! [people whooping] Just a little “ha-ha-ha.” [audience laughing] I didn’t get the “ha-ha-ha.” I just felt the temperature drop. And this woman glares at me and says, “Animals are smarter than people.” “Like, case closed.” Well, I can’t take that. [audience laughing] But before I could say anything, she said, “What about the beavers?” [audience laughing] Forcing me to say, “What about the beavers?” [audience laughing] There was no other line on my script at that point. Nothing can ever follow, “What about the beavers?” [audience laughing] Except another, “What about the beavers?” “What about the beavers?” “What about the beavers?” [audience laughing] So she explains to me. She said, “The beavers are smarter than people.” “They know how to all get in the water, and they all know how to gather sticks… and bring them to one area, and they know how to put mud on their tails and slap the sticks together, and they can affect the flow of a river.” [audience laughing] Hoover Dam. [audience laughing and applauding] Smart. Stupid. [audience laughing] Human engineering. Pile of muddy sticks. [audience laughing] So I asked her, “If you hired a company to build a dam… and they all got out of their trucks… and they all started getting in river water… and started gathering twigs and… nosing them around on the surface of the water… would you be on the riverbank: ‘Look how smart they are!’?” [audience laughing] Well, everyone got real quiet. [audience laughing] And she doubled down. She said, “What about the honeybees?” So I looked at my script. [audience laughing] “What about the honeybees?” “What about the honeybees?” “What about them?” “What about the honeybees?” [audience laughing] [chuckles] So she said, “Uh, the honeybees are smarter than people.” “They know that they only need one of them to go in a figure-eight pattern… and wiggle its behind, and it can let all the other honeybees know where the flowers are.” [audience laughing] “What if your Uncle Larry had to do that to show you where the fridge was?” [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Nobody could quench their thirst till Uncle Larry showed up. [audience laughing] With his groundbreaking communication techniques. Well, this little circle popped me out like a champagne cork. [audience laughing] “Jengus” Khan is looking over at me. He’s like, “You don’t know how to make friends, do you?” I’m like, “I don’t think so.” Man without a country. [audience laughing] Walk up to this third little circle. And I’m trying to learn how to be a better listener. So I just decided to just say nothing. And there was a guy there telling everyone a story about the lottery numbers that he had recently picked. Whoo! What a story. [audience laughing] I’m going to try to duplicate it for you, but it’s going to be challenging, because this guy was drilling it. He had everyone gathered around and he was like, “So I got, uh, four lottery tickets.” “The, uh, first ticket, I picked a 2… 4, 7, 21, 36.” “The second ticket… I had the 2, 5– I had the 4 on the first ticket.” “Got the 5 on the second ticket.” “2, 5.” “16, 17, got those back-to-back on the second ticket.” “Back-to-back, 16, 17, back-to-back… 28, 31.” “Thirty-one was the last number on– That I got on the second ticket.” This is the story that he’s sharing with humans. [audience laughing] “Third ticket… I picked a 2.  I’m always on a 2.” “You know me, I always got the 2 covered.” “I knew I had the 4 on the first ticket and a 5 on the second, so I got the 6 on the third. 2, 6, 17, 19.” “Decided to leapfrog over the 18.” “Leapfrog action, landed on the 19.” “43– 43 was the last number on the third ticket.” “Fourth ticket.” [audience laughing] “I picked the 2.” Duh. [audience laughing] “I don’t know why I’m boring you with the 2.” “You know me, if I got a ticket, I got the 2.” “Walking down the street holding a ticket, you don’t have to look, you know I got the 2.” [audience laughing] “Anyway… I knew I had the 4, 5 and 6 on the other ticket, so I got them all  on that fourth ticket. 2, 4, 5, 6.” “Something said, ‘Get the 3.'” “Something said, Go back and get that 3.'” “Something said, ‘Jump on that 3.’ Something said, ‘Nail down that 3.'” “So I get the 3. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 17 and the 44.” “And my thinking on the 44 was… ‘Hey, get the 44.'” [audience laughing] So as you can imagine, everyone’s jaws were agape. [audience laughing] So I wanted to throw the right log on the fire to keep this baby burning. [audience laughing] When you got this kind of flame blazing, you can’t risk having it smolder out. You want to throw the proper heat in that direction, so I was like, “Whoo!” [audience laughing] “Woo-hoo!” “Crazy!” [audience laughing] “What happened?” “None of the tickets hit.” [audience laughing] “Whoa!” “What a twist at the end.” [audience laughing] “What a curveball finish.” “I could have sworn that was all going somewhere.” [audience laughing] “Could have sworn it. But you flipped the tables.” “You managed to follow nothing with less.” [audience laughing and applauding] [audience cheering] Losing lottery numbers he shares as cocktail party banter. [audience laughing] So I didn’t fit in with any of the groups. So I just went over and rearranged some bookshelves. [audience laughing and applauding] If I do go to a party, I need to stand, man. I need to be able to pinball away from situations. “Bing! That’s not working.” “Bing! Not for me.” “Bing! Nope!” [audience laughing] Sitting is way too claustrophobic. Like a dinner party. You don’t know who you’re going to be sitting next to. It could be two hours. It’s a crapshoot. “Brian, you’re going to be sitting here next to Donnie Doldrums.” “Hey, how’s it going?” “Hey, how are you? Huh.” [audience laughing] “You missed the beginning of this. I was telling everybody about how our Des Moines office had an administrative meeting.” “And as a result of that meeting, we realized that the factory output in our northeast quadrant… was substandard in relation to what we had anticipated after bringing in a consulting team from Peoria.” [audience laughing] My face is in the mashed potatoes, just blowing brown gravy bubbles. [blowing raspberries] [audience laughing] “No, don’t revive me. Don’t revive me.” [continues blowing] “It’s in my living will. Let me be.” [continues blowing] I don’t like dinner parties. I don’t like restaurants either. One reason is,  I don’t like mushrooms. [audience laughing] [woman whooping] I don’t like mushrooms. People say, “What’s the big deal?” “Just make sure you never order mushrooms.” All right, let me explain the problem. [audience laughing] There is not a food on earth that is more often put onto and into other foods without anybody ever asking… than mushrooms. It’s happened too many times to count. “Here’s that chicken dinner you ordered.” “And you’ll be happy to notice… [audience laughing] …that it is smothered… with mushrooms.” “Oh, I did notice.” “I didn’t order mushrooms. It doesn’t say mushrooms on the menu.” “You don’t have to worry about that.” “You had nothing to do with this.” “We decided all by ourselves… when we were in the kitchen, with no input from you.” “We unilaterally decided to smother [yelling] everything you love in life… [audience laughing] …with mushrooms!” [audience cheering and applauding] I don’t know if I made this clear: I don’t like mushrooms. [audience laughing] I don’t like raisins either. Not to the degree of mushrooms, I just don’t like raisins. But I’m intrigued when people try to talk me into liking raisins. Like it’s a psychological flaw. [audience laughing] People love to go, “Brian… [audience laughing] …do you like grapes?” [audience laughing] Here we go. “Yeah. Yeah, I like grapes.” “Well… [audience laughing] …raisins… are just dried-up grapes!” [audience laughing] “Oh.” “Oh, I’ve loved them all along.” [audience laughing] “I had no idea.” So I love to hit them back with… “Do you like ham sandwiches?” [audience laughing] “You do?” “Well… would you like if I put one outside… for three weeks… in the broiling sun… on a picnic table, so it shriveled up to the point of unrecognizability… [in high-pitched voice] and put it on a plate and gave it to you?” “Would you like that?” [audience laughing] “Well?” “It’s just a ham sandwich!” [audience cheering and applauding] [in regular voice] It’s not a grape now. [audience laughing] I do like mayonnaise. I like mayonnaise to the degree that it had to come into a New Year’s resolution. [audience laughing] It was a New Year’s resolution that I could not order extra mayonnaise on my sandwiches. I could order mayonnaise, but I couldn’t use the word “extra.” I found out very quickly I wasn’t getting enough mayonnaise. [audience laughing] But I didn’t want to break my resolution. So here’s how I would order lunch. “Um, Hi. Uh… I would like a turkey sandwich with Swiss cheese, lettuce, and, uh… [clears throat] mayonnaise!” [audience laughing] “You hear what I’m saying here?” “I want mayonnaise!” [audience laughing] “Capital M, A, Y… [audience laughing] …and the rest of the letters that are necessary for ‘mayonnaise.'” [audience cheering and applauding] Hey, I saw something interesting today on social media. Somebody posted a very strong political opinion. And somebody replied, “Good point. I changed my mind.” [audience laughing and applauding] [audience cheering] No, I’m sorry. I saw a unicorn. I saw a unicorn. I saw a purple glittery flying unicorn. Here’s something I’ve learned about social media: the expression “just saying”… ain’t never preceded by a compliment. [audience laughing] When I tweet, I never want to try to sound too young. But I also don’t want to sound too old. And I saw Metallica in concert. They’re great. [audience cheering] I wanted to tweet that they were great, but I didn’t want to come off like an old fuddy-duddy. But I also didn’t want to try to sound like a young whippersnapper. [audience laughing] So I settled on, “Boy, these fellas sure know how to boogie.” [audience laughing] I think I hit the sweet spot. All my followers thought I was the cat’s pajamas. [audience laughing] “Pajamas” is a funny word. I like words. What is the smallest? “Tiny,” “teeny…” “itty-bitty…” “itsy-bitsy…” “teeny-weeny…” or “teensy-weensy”? [audience laughing] Kind of stuff keeps me up late at night. [audience laughing] Scientists need to know when they’re looking in microscopes. “I would describe this amoeba… as itty-bitty.” [audience laughing] “Professor, come over here. See if you concur.” “See if you concur that this amoeba is itty-bitty.” “Let me take a look at that.” “That’s not itty-bitty.” “That’s teensy-weensy.” [audience laughing] How come only small stuff gets cute nicknames? How come we don’t say the planet Jupiter is biggy-wiggy? [audience laughing] “The universe is hugey-magroojy!” [audience laughing] I love space stuff. I saw a scientist on TV say they know, if they build a space probe to explore distant galaxies and shoot it out, that a hundred years from now we’ll be able to build a better, faster space probe that will catch and pass that first one before it ever gets anywhere. [audience laughing] So the message is clear. Everything we do today… is a waste of time. [audience laughing] [audience applauding and cheering] We do send rovers up to Mars. They’re analyzing rocks. And some scientists think some of the rocks are from volcanoes. [chuckles] Okay. [audience laughing] If they expect me to believe that volcanoes… blew rocks… all the way to Mars… [audience laughing] Even Vesuvius in its heyday didn’t have that kind of oomph. [audience laughing] We’re looking for water on Mars. We’re wheeling all around trying to find water. Have we given up here? [audience laughing] I want to bring the scientists over to my kitchen sink. “Look what I discovered.” “When I pull this up… water shoots out of the end of this thing.” [audience laughing] “How’s it going on Mars?” “Because this appears to be endless.” “Get some science jugs and fill those babies up, because I have hit the moisture mother lode.” [audience laughing] They’re looking for water to see if there’s life on Mars. And I’ve always wondered, what if there is life on Mars… but it’s teensy-weensy? [audience laughing] And we’re just crushing it with our rovers. [audience laughing] The camera on the front: “Everything appears to be dry and desolate.” Under the wheels: [screams] [audience laughing] We’re just mushing Martians into mulch. “What’s that green streak?” [audience laughing] I was 11 years old when we landed on the moon. Our whole family was gathered around a TV. My parents raised some good kids. I didn’t pursue a life of crime. [audience laughing] One reason, I remember that expression when I was a kid: “crime does not pay.” Crime does not pay? That’s why we shouldn’t do it? “Do you do crime?” “Oh, well, I love crime.” “I love almost everything about crime. Crime is fantastic.” “You don’t have to sell me on that side of the equation.” [audience laughing] “The reason… the reason that I don’t do crime… and I’ve crunched the numbers… [audience laughing] …it doesn’t pay!” [audience laughing] “Sure, if it paid, I’d be doing crime left and right.” “But crime doesn’t pay, so that’s why I don’t do crime.” [audience laughing] Another crime motto even more twisted: “Don’t do the crime… if you can’t do the time.” [audience] “If you can’t do the time.” Damn. I’m intrigued that the motto isn’t, “Don’t do the crime… because that would be wrong.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] They have to make it a choice between two selfish options? “Oh, that crime? I want to do it!” “That’s a great crime. I want to do that crime.” The problem, though, with that particular crime, it’s 15 years in the federal penitentiary. [grunts loudly] [audience laughing] [yells] “I don’t have the time!” [audience laughing] “I wish I could, but I have a family and dreams.” [audience laughing] “I don’t have enough time to do that crime.” “Now this crime, on the other hand, one month in the county jail?” [audience laughing] “I’m doing it!” “I have enough time. I have enough time to do that crime.” [audience laughing] “I base my crime decisions on how much time I have available in my calendar.” “That’s what I’ve been taught.” That’s us teaching us. As much as I’m against crime, there are things we do to criminals that I think are unfair. I think it’s unfair that tampering with evidence is an additional crime on top of the actual crime. [audience laughing] Talk about piling on. Anything that would be done naturally during the scope of the crime should just be part of the crime. [audience laughing] Tampering with evidence. Has any criminal ever taken that into consideration… when fleeing the scene of a crime? “All right, let’s get out of here!” “Toby, what are you doing?” “I’m wiping up the fingerprints and getting rid of everything.” “Are you crazy?” [audience laughing] “That’s a crime!” [audience laughing] “You’re going to get us in trouble!” [audience laughing] You’re not allowed to tamper with evidence after you commit a crime. You’re not allowed. Has any criminal ever not tampered with evidence… and gotten anything out of that? “You’ve been found guilty of the crime in question.” “Your penalty: life in prison without the possibility of parole.” “But… [audience laughing] …we do want to note you were nice enough not to tamper with the evidence.” [audience laughing] “In fact, the lead investigator said it was the most pristine crime scene… he’d ever happened upon in his entire illustrious career.” “So as a tip of the hat, you get to choose… top bunk or bottom.” [audience laughing and cheering] I saw a thing on the news,  a judge dismissed a case without prejudice. Whoa. Shouldn’t that always be the case? [audience laughing] How else would you do that? “Case dismissed. And it’s because you’re white like me.” [audience laughing] “Get out of here, you knucklehead.” [audience laughing and applauding] If the defendant does not take the stand in his defense… the judge has to instruct the jury something to this effect: “Notice in this trial the defendant chose not to take the stand in his defense.” “You are not allowed to weigh that one way or the other while considering the rest of the evidence.” I understand the need for instructions. I think they should just tweak them a tad. I think the judge should say, “You might notice in this trial, the defendant chose not to take the stand in his defense.” “We just want you to know that means… [clears throat] [audience laughing] [clearing throat loudly] …you can start validating parking.” [audience laughing] I can’t even imagine not taking the stand in my defense if I was innocent of something. You imagine your lawyer asking you, “Do you want to go tell him you didn’t do it?” “I’m awfully bashful.” [audience laughing] “I know, but they’re thinking of throwing you in the electric chair, so… maybe if you could muscle through your discomfort.” [audience laughing] “I’ll take my chances.” [audience laughing] “Fire up the chair, Your Honor.” “What do you want from me?” I heard some states carry out capital punishment at 7:00 in the morning. Talk about cruel. [audience laughing] Is that guy supposed to get some sleep the night before? “Yeah, I think I’m going to hit the rack.” “Get some shut-eye.” “Yup, got a short day tomorrow.” [audience laughing] I’ll tell you what should be a crime: people boarding planes while wearing backpacks. [audience cheering and applauding] If you’re someone who does that, a little heads-up: your backpacks are hitting people in the face. [audience laughing] [imitating thudding] “I only care about what’s in front of me!” [imitates thudding] “The hell with everything in my wake!” [imitates thudding] [audience laughing] You know when you sit in the emergency exit row seat and you agree to save everyone… [audience laughing] …how come when the flight is over, no one thanks you? [audience laughing and applauding] Seriously. It’s amazing what you might have done. You’d think someone would take note of that. “Hey, I heard what went down before takeoff.” “Thank you.” “The fact that you were willing to put your life on the line to save me, my family and all the other souls on this plane is nothing short of outstanding.” “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” No, just a backpack to the back of the head. [imitates thudding] “I was an almost-responder!” [audience laughing] [cheers and applause] I like to be thanked. That’s why I know I would never be good at that animal rescue stuff. I wouldn’t be good at it. You ever see news footage of some wild horse stuck in a ravine? They got to bring trucks in, and chains, and harnesses, and figure out how to get down into the ravine, and get the harness around this horse while it’s going berserk, pull this thing out while it’s kicking and going nuts, get close enough to get the harness off without getting hurt, and soon as they do, it just hauls into the woods. “Hey!” [audience laughing] I would want the horse to stop somewhere before the tree line. Clippity-cloppity clip. “Thanks.” [audience laughing] Then do that up-on-the-hind-leg thing. [neighing] Then haul into the woods. [audience laughing] Am I asking for too much? All I’m saying is if I scrub oil off a duck with a toothbrush… [audience laughing] I’m going to want a little quack-you. [audience laughing] Turn your little duck head and go, “Thanks.” That’s all I needed from you. “Wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.” “Yeah, I know.” “People are smarter than animals.” [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] “With all due respect, I wouldn’t have oil on me if it weren’t for people.” [audience laughing] “Just saying.” “Somebody shut this stupid talking duck up.” [audience laughing] “Stupid talking duck.” [audience cheering and applauding] This is a beautiful venue. Look at this. [audience cheering and applauding] Amazing. I get to play some pretty cool places. Some places I play have an orchestra pit. Those words don’t belong together. “Orchestra.” “Pit!” [audience laughing] The people who work there look tremendous. They come in in gowns and tuxedos. Man, you guys look amazing. Oh, you’re in the orchestra. “Get in the pit! Get in the pit!” “Get down in the pit!” “Get in the pit!” [audience laughing] Why do they have to dress so nice? You can’t even see them. [audience laughing] At the end of the show, they stand up and bow. At best you see their eyebrows. “Thank you.” “Thank you very much.” “Thank– I’m wearing $90 socks for some reason, thank you.” “Thank you, thank you.” You know what kills me? When you go to a show that has an orchestra, how come as you’re walking in, they’re practicing? I never understood that. You’re walking in, you’re hearing: [imitates horn blowing low notes] [audience laughing] [imitates playing high notes] [imitates alternating high and low notes] “Hey, uh… doors are open.” [audience laughing] “Paid a lot of money for these tickets.” “Could you all practice before we get here?” [imitates playing low notes] “I bet we’re going to be hearing that again later.” [audience laughing] [imitates low notes] [imitating playing rapid high notes] “Bet something’s going to fly in this show.” [audience laughing] What is that? You don’t want to see the actor practicing as you’re walking in. “To be, or not to– No, too big. Too big. Bring it down.” “To be– Nope, too subtle. Split the difference.” “To be– Oh, they’re coming in.” [audience laughing] [audience applauding] Makes you wonder, is that how the actor runs, or the character? [audience laughing] I don’t understand marching bands. I understand bands. I don’t understand marching bands. There are many occupations in this world. And how come none of the others have taken on this added task? [audience laughing] You don’t see marching taxidermists. ♪ You got to stuff that otter ♪ ♪ You got to stuff it good  ♪ ♪ Stuff that otter And stick it on some wood ♪ [audience laughing] “Why don’t you sit down and stuff the otter?” “It might be easier if you were seated.” [audience laughing] Yes, it’s ridiculous. So why is it normal for bands? What group of musicians were sitting around…? [imitates strumming tune] Don’t ask what instrument that’s supposed to be. [audience laughing and applauding] [imitates strumming tune] [chuckles] [imitates strumming] [imitates strumming] [audience laughing] “Hey, I got an idea.” “Why don’t we kick these chairs out from underneath us… and start walking around and trying to spell stuff with our bodies… [audience laughing] …so people in blimps know what teams we support?” “I’m sure the tuba player loved that idea.” “Oh, great.” [imitates playing tuba] [audience laughing] “Great idea, flute person.” [imitating playing tuba] The marching band had to be a flute person’s idea. “Come on, let’s march.” [imitating playing flute] “Come on.” “Wait! We need straps and stuff!” “Come on. It’s easy.” [imitates playing flute] “Wait! We need harnesses!” [audience laughing] [imitates playing flute] [yelling] “We’re not ready! We’re not ready!” [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Hey, whoever invented the bagpipes… I don’t think he’s finished yet. [audience laughing] You ever look at that monstrosity? He must have thought there was a deadline at the patent office. He probably just ran in and threw that on a counter. [yells] “Am I too late?” [audience laughing] “What in the world is that?” “It’s a bag! With pipes stuck in it! “I stuck the pipes in a bag!” “Bagpipes.” [audience laughing] “No, I see it.” [audience laughing] “Why?” [audience laughing] “What does it do?” “What does it do? It’s a bag with pipes!” “Sticking in and out of it!” “What does it do?” [imitates high-pitched note] [audience laughing] “What does it do?” [imitates high-pitched note] “What does it do?” [imitates note] “What…?” [audience laughing] What does it do? [audience laughing] How can you tell if anybody’s ever playing them well? You have a guy over here– [imitates playing high-pitched notes] “He’s the best.” [audience laughing] This guy’s over here– [imitates playing high-pitched notes] “He doesn’t know how to play that thing.” “Stick your elbow more in the bag. Everybody knows that.” [audience laughing] Hey, you guys are wonderful. [audience cheering] Thank you very much. Thank you. [bagpipe music playing] [cheering continues] Thank you so much. You guys are great. Really appreciate it. Good night. [bagpipe music continues]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American (2021) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-greatest-average-american-transcript/

[folk rock music playing] ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Singin’ in the kitchen ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Runnin’ through the yard… ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Goin’ on vacation ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ On a credit card ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ [girl on phone] That was so fun, Daddy. You did your riding with the horses? Yeah. But it was really good today ’cause I got to ride her– Okay. All right, Harper, I gotta do a show. Be funny. Be funny. I love you. I love you. We love you. And now, please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze! * * * [audience cheers and applauds] [folk rock continues playing] [audience members cheer] All right. This is it. Uh, this is fun, huh? This is… Yeah. I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year. Out of all the years, this has been the best one. I mean, I don’t… You know, there’s aliens. They said there’s UFOs. And no one cares. That’s… What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in, “Hey, everybody, on the news…” At the end of the news! They go, “There’s UFOs.” You’re like, “Aw, do they have COVID?” And you’re like, “No.” “I don’t know. They won’t get tested.” But, uh… It’s funny, I told my wife that. I said, “They said there’s UFOs,” and she just went about her day. I mean, just… You might even watch this and be like, “I didn’t hear that.” That’s the point. That’s how amazing 2020 has been. I also feel this is a good year to see where your friends are at. You know? You want to be in the middle, I think. And I’ve got friends that, they take a shower with their mask on, and they sleep with a mask on, ’cause they have a hamster, and the hamster probably has it, and they live alone, it’s just them and the hamster. And I also have friends that I don’t think have even heard about COVID. I… It looks like someone told them to try to go get it, that’s how they’re living. I have a lot of friends, too, they tell me they already had it. There’s a big… They’re like, “I had it, I had a fever.” Uh… “February, had a fever for a couple hours, so probably had it.” I had one friend, he told me he had it in 2015. He’s… I mean, convinced. He goes, “I had it in 2015.” “I was the first, and it just didn’t catch on like it has now, but…” I can tell you one thing that’s gone forever is coughing in public. That’s… That’s a wrap. I mean… You drink water wrong at a restaurant, just go walk in traffic. Um… Whole restaurant just stops. Your table would be like, “Get out of here. Get out of here.” You know who that’ll hurt the most, the cough in public? My parents, ’cause that’s one of their favorite things to do, is cough in public. They love it. That’s all they do. They cough everywhere. My dad’s choking constantly. Just always… If he’s not choking, that’s when we get worried. That’s how much choking… We go to a restaurant, they’re like, “Is your dad okay?” I’m like, “I didn’t…” “Yeah, that’s just what he does.” You know? I’ve been traveling all over the country during this COVID, and what I’ve seen is… Look, in the middle of the country, they’re doing good. I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks, doing what they’re supposed to. A lot of people are doing it, we’re trying. We take our temperature. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They took my temperature. You telling me that teenager doesn’t know what he’s doing? Is that what you’re… Don’t think he’s going to doctor school? That’s how they get started, is he takes temperatures, and he’s like, “45 degrees. You’re good.” Uh, yeah, you’re, like, 60 degrees from the problem. So I don’t, you know… And they’re not even worried about it. “Fifty-seven degrees.” You’re like, “Actually, I’m dead, dude.” “That’s not good.” I asked, “Does that even work?” “I don’t know. When it beeps, I just tell them to go ahead.” I… I swear, one kid said, “Beep.” I don’t think his beep worked, and he goes, “Beep.” And I was like, “Was that…” And he goes, “You’re fine.” [Nate chuckles] I’ve done pretty good during COVID. I, uh… ‘Cause I feel like you could either… I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways. If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time. I mean, everybody’s fine with it. You can just do it, but I’ve been doing all that up until COVID. I’ve always lived by that rule. So during COVID, I was like, “I need to stop.” And my neighbor started working out in his driveway. So he’s like, “Let’s work out in my driveway.” And, you know, it’s hard to make excuses during COVID. You’re like, “I’m just so busy.” “I’m just… I can’t, I got a lot of stuff to do today.” And he’s just out there. So I started to do it with him, and he had a trainer, and I’m not a big fan of working out, never done it. And I told them, “I just wanna do upper-body stuff.” And they go, “All right. Well, how about we just do legs every day?” That’s all it is, is legs. I think it’s a huge conspiracy with trainers that you never actually do your upper body, and when you are doing it… I asked him, “Is this upper body?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Yeah? ‘Cause I’m bending down quite a bit.” What I eat, that’s the main problem. I eat like a child. I eat… I mean, it’s not good. He goes, “Let’s go through what you had for breakfast, your whole day of eating.” He goes, “Let’s go through yesterday.” And in my head, I’m like, “Yesterday’s not a good day.” “Let’s pick another day.” Uh… He goes, “Go through yesterday.” I go, “All right, I had donuts in the morning.” And he goes, “All right, was it like they were just out or something?” I go, “No, I drove. I drove to it.” “I drove to it.” He’s like, “Is it on your way?” I go, “No, I was late to where I was going because of it.” He goes, “What about late-night snacking?” I was like, “Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night.” He goes, “Did you watch a movie?” I go, “No, just regular TV.” And he’s like, “The little kid bag?” I go, “No, it was a bag. It was a bag of ’em.” “If you saw it without a label and someone said, ‘Hand me that bag,’ they wouldn’t be confused on what you were asking.” I always have trouble going to sleep, and I swear, every doctor… It’s like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda, and I’m like, “What’s going on, man? I can’t…” “Dude, at night, my brain just doesn’t stop.” And they’re like, “Yeah, dude, you can’t eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.” “Maybe that’s a problem.” We’ve been traveling around like crazy. Did all these drive-in dates that have been super fun. I like traveling, love being on the road. I remember one time, I was in Los Angeles, and I was going to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas the next day, and I had a really early flight. I remember the night before, I was like, “Just be normal, have a normal night.” And ended up hanging out, became a bit of a problem. [chuckles] And I wake up the next day, and my flight is gone. I’ve missed it, and it’s not like it’s at the gate, it is in Austin, Texas. They are checking into their hotel. So I go to get my phone to get another flight, and I’ve lost my phone. The night before, I’ve lost it. So now I don’t have my phone. So I have to go buy a ticket over the counter like it’s the ’50s. And when you walk up to a counter, they don’t expect you to be buying a ticket like that. I got up there, and they’re like, “All right.” I was like, “I would like one ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” And they said, “All right, go buy it and don’t be weird about it.” I go, “No, I’d like to write a check to you for one ticket to Austin, Texas.” They didn’t have a flight, so I have to do that at every terminal. I just have keep going, “One ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” I finally found a flight, but the girl behind the counter, she’s never sold a ticket like that. “I’ve worked here for ten years. No one’s ever done this.” “I don’t know how to do it.” She went back and got probably the oldest lady I’ve ever seen. I think she’s there for just this reason. She came out, she had that old credit card machine that you run. She’s like, “I got it. I’ve been… This is super fun for me.” It was weird to not have my phone. Everybody has their phone. I was going through the airport, and you just don’t have it, and you just stare. I mean, we were waiting in line, and you’re just looking ahead. I mean, people are just like, “All right, dude, what is wrong with you?” Just regular people… Like, “Where’s your phone?” I’m like, “I don’t have it.” “I’d like to talk to you, though, if you’ll talk to me.” “I’d love to chat for a little bit.” I thought I was going to breeze through security, but I got held up ’cause of the guy in front of me. He goes through the metal detector, and it goes off, and so they ask him, “Do you have anything metal on you?” And he goes, “I have keys on me, my keys.” And we thought he was gonna say his knee or hip, you know, just… Old people have metal in them a lot. And he goes, “Keys? Do you think that would do it?” You’re like, “That would be the number-one answer on Family Feud of what would set a metal detector off.” “Keys.” I told him, “Look, let’s try it with and without it.” “I’d love to know. Maybe they’ve been lying to us about this key thing.” So I’ve been doing these drive-in shows, these drive-in movie theater shows, and my buddy Nic Novicki‘s been with me. And Nic’s a little person, very fun. We started comedy together. Nic’s very fun to be friends with, very easy to trick. We were once at a coffee shop, and a guy was sitting near us with a big husky dog. And Nic just goes, “Hey, you think that’s a wolf?” And I just said, “Yeah, I do think it’s a wolf.” Uh… “They just passed a law that if you can catch a wolf, you can have it as a pet.” He goes, “Should I go ask him about it?” I was like, “Absolutely. I mean, he wants to talk about it.” “That’s why he brought that wolf out here.” I watched him walk over to him and just go, “Excuse me, is that a wolf?” And the guy, he didn’t really know how to answer. He’s like, “What?” “I mean, you think I brought a wild wolf to this coffee shop… and the wolf’s just being cool about it? It’s not losing its mind right now?” When we were doing these drive-in shows, we were all on a bus together, I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. He brought… All his references are just ’90s sports references. [chuckles] He only can reference the ’90s. So he brings up Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. I was like, “Who’s that?” He’s like, “What? You don’t know who they are?” I was like, “I don’t think anybody knows who they are.” He goes, “Dude, this was a huge story. Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit.” I was like, “I’ve never heard this, dude. Don’t you think I would’ve heard it?” I was like, “No one knows this.” And he’s losing his mind. I go, “They should make a 30 for 30 if it’s that good.” He goes, “They did!” Another guy’s like, “They should make a movie about it.” He goes, “There’s a movie!” He’s just losing it. One of my favorite ones was… This was forever ago. We’re going to a friend’s house, and it was a four-flight walk up, and so we had to walk up four flights. Obviously, I walk faster than Nic, and I used to wait for him, but we’ve just been friends too long, I can’t. We’re like an old married couple. I’m just gone. So I knew where we were going, and I knew that he did not. So I leave him and I go into my buddy’s apartment. I was like, “Nic doesn’t know where you live, so that’s fun, you know, let’s just see what happens.” About 30 minutes go by. Nic finally comes into the apartment, and I asked him, “Where were you?” He goes, “I didn’t know where to go.” I go, “I know.” “So you’ve been gone for a long time. Did you go back outside?” He goes, “No, I’ve been in someone else’s apartment all this time.” He went into someone’s… He was just trying handles. And a door opened, he walked in, said, “I’m with Nate,” and went and sat on their couch. That’s how far he made it. Think about where your couch is. That’s how deep he made it in their place. And he’s so confident, they had to be like, “I don’t know. Maybe we know a Nate,” you know? Doing those drive-in shows were fun. You know, you’re doing it at a drive-in movie theater. What’s hard is when people want to leave early if they don’t like your act. I mean, you just see headlights hit you in the face, and he’s just like… and just backs up. And you’re like, “All right, there goes that guy.” Uh… I did one Zoom show, and it was just… I mean, it’s just your face on it, and right before we get started, I just hear someone say, “I don’t know. It’s some stupid comedy thing.” It’s just… What’s that? What’d she say? [helicopter whirring] Just helicopters all day. That’s an outside show. The next special’s going to be at LAX. It’s gonna be a good time. Uh… [chuckles] [audience applauds and cheers] I can’t wait to get back to the old days of just not doing good inside a building. That’s all you want, you know? There’s… One of the last, kind of, bombs I had… So as comedians, we do a lot of corporate events, and I was doing this corporate event in Tampa, Florida. It was for this guy, he ran Tampa’s electricity or something. I don’t know what anybody does, but he invented the electricity in Florida, so… Yeah, he’s doing real good. And… He was a very nice guy, he’s very generous. It was all of his employees, he was raffling off two cars. He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads… I mean, honestly, probably $100,000 worth of gifts he was giving back to his employees. Very nice. Well, I was one of these gifts that he was giving back, so in the middle of giving this stuff away, he stops and goes, “All right. Got a big surprise for you.” “Can’t believe we got this guy to come here.” And he brings me out. I mean, nobody’s heard of me at all. They’re all looking at me like, “I think I could get this guy to come to my house. I mean, who is…” I start doing my act. I do one hour, and just zero laughs. I mean nothing, and I’m not doing new jokes. I’m doing the greatest hits. I told the “iced coffee with milk” story three times. I… [audience applauds] [chuckles] It was… [cheering] I kept just doing it. I was like, “I’mma do it one more time. I don’t think y’all were listening.” Uh… People were leaving. The guy that drove me asked someone that left, he goes, “Is the comedy show almost over?” The guy goes, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” “There’s a guy giving a speech up there now, so maybe after that.” So we get done, and then the guy comes up. You know, I have to talk to him, and I was like, “Look, I’m sorry, man.” “I used to be able to do comedy, and I lost it, you know? It’s over.” And he was very nice, he goes, “No, it’s all right, nothing’s your fault.” I was like, “I don’t know how that’s possible.” And he goes, “Well, when you were up there, I remembered that most of my employees do not speak English.” And I was like, “All right, yeah, that’ll do it.” You know? Maybe don’t hire an English-only-speaking comedian. No heads up at all. Not that I could have changed it up, but it just would have been nice to know. [exclaims indistinctly] So I have a daughter, and my daughter’s name is Harper. So a lot of people ask, “Did you name her after Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?” And, you know, I’ve never thought about an author a day in my life, so… That never occurred to me. I mean, my middle name is Lee, and it just never crossed my mind. Uh… I love having a kid. We… I love when kids cry, it’s just innocent. I love how innocent it is. They cry over a tag in their shirt. I mean, they bawl. They don’t like… It feels weird. And then, you could be like, “Is your house on fire?” I’ve never seen someone cry this much. It’s over nothing. She’s on her iPad a lot. You know, that’s the hard part. You got to get these kids off… You don’t want technology all the time. She just sits there on her iPad. She wants to be a YouTuber, which, as a comedian, makes me furious. She watches these kid YouTube videos, and now she makes her own videos. It’s just her sitting there going, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” “Click the links below, subscribe, leave a comment.” None of this is anywhere but my phone. I got 90 hours of this. It’s not on YouTube. Me and her mom are the only subscribers. She just watches kids playing with toys. Like, that’s what’s crazy. It’s not like a show. I’d be fine if she watched a show. She watches just a kid that’s like, “Hey, you don’t have this toy, I do.” “You want to see me open it?” It’s got five billion views. It looks like we buy her nothing, like, we just show her. “If you wanna watch a kid have fun, but you’ll never have fun in this house!” We take her out, we go do stuff. I would take her to Chuck E. Cheese all the time. You can go there, they had COVID in ’84. So there’s… Yeah. It can’t even survive in there, that’s what… Chuck E. Cheese is rough. I don’t know if you’ve been there in a while. They look like they’re trying to go out of business and they can’t. I… They filed for bankruptcy and they’re still open. They called Blockbuster and were like, “How do you get out? We want out.” [audience applauds] They’re updating nothing. That Chuck E. band is just robotic. I mean, the drummer doesn’t even turn on, it just sits like that the whole time. They sell booze to parents now, they just give them buckets of Bud Light. They’re drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m. When someone drives those kids home, I don’t see Ubers and Lyfts showing up. There was a Chuck E. Cheese that got caught, if people didn’t eat all their pizza, they’d put it back out on the buffet. And that would shut down any normal business. And with Chuck E. Cheese, they have thrived. I mean, when I read the story, I was like, “I thought that’s what they were doing.” “I thought we agreed that’s fine.” I didn’t know what the article was about. Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too, and parents don’t like that, when you say it. They’re like, “You gotta keep them outside. Don’t look at them.” Uh… It’s my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. So we’re hitting all the sights, and I’d be… When I travel a bunch, and I’d get home, I’d want us to sleep in the bed together. and I’ve built up a habit now, it’s happened. So it’s tough, though, because kids don’t know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I’m on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I sleep with my head on the nightstand. It’s the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital. She’s also apparently going through menopause ’cause she’s the hottest human being that’s ever lived. I’m freezing at night. She kicks all the covers off. You’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead. It’s your bed. We’re lucky to be in it.” She’s gotta get out at some point, you know? I don’t know. She’ll be 37 years old… “Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?” Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed. Her husband left a while ago, he ain’t gonna put up with that. Um… I remember, I’d fall out of a bunk bed. I slept in a bunk bed, I was on the top bunk, and I would get over a railing, and just fall six feet to the ground, and just land… I mean, you don’t catch yourself, it’s just whatever hits first. All your body weight just lands on your head. I got a full-blown concussion, I’m crying. My parents are like, “Just go back to a deep sleep for seven hours.” I’ve had three concussions in my life, and none of them because of sports. Just living life, man, you know? Stuff happens to your head. What are you going to do? One was in high school. I got pushed into a wall headfirst, and it took them three class periods to figure out I had a concussion. That’s how much I was bringing to the table. I mean, two teachers didn’t even notice, and the third one was like, “He wasn’t facing forward, and that’s when I realized.” “He’s one of the better facer-forwards I’ve ever had, so I knew.” My biggest concussion was when I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff. So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee, and we used to climb down this cliff into Old Hickory Lake, and we’d done it a ton of times. And so one day, I slip and fall. So my friend that I’m with, he goes and gets my mom. There was a guy fishing in a boat down in the lake, and so he sees me and he gets me into the boat. He takes me over to some stairs, which he had to be like, “Why didn’t he just use these stairs?” They were right next to that cliff. [chuckles] It didn’t even make sense. Uh, there was two guys at the bottom of the steps, and he goes, “This kid fell. Can you carry him up?” So they carry me up. And now my mom’s in an ambulance in her pajamas. My dad, who I think everybody knows now is a magician, and he’s doing a show in a full tuxedo. So they get to the hospital, the doctor starts talking to my parents. I mean, my mom looks homeless. My dad’s in a tuxedo. It looks… It looks like they’re divorced and someone’s not paying child support. So we’ve never known who was in the boat or the guys that carried me up the stairs. We’ve never known who it was, and we always wanted to thank them. Those guys truly saved my life, and we could just never find out who it was. So we never knew. So I tell you that to tell you, uh, last year, my dad is doing a show. He does these magic shows in prisons. So he’s doing a show at a prison, and during the show, one of the inmates just stands up and says, “I know your son.” Which is probably not the best place, as a father, to hear that. Just like, “I know your boy. He keeps his mouth shut. He’s good people.” [chuckles] So… My dad, he goes, “Hey. All right, how do you know my son?” And he was one of the guys that carried me up those stairs that day. I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old, and we’d never known who carried me up those stairs, and it was him and his brother, and then his brother saw me on The Tonight Show, and was like, “That’s that kid we carried up those stairs that day.” So it’s pretty crazy. So since then I’ve been actually bringing him out to shows. I’m gonna bring him out tonight. And… No, he’s not here. He’s in prison, but, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Trust me. Look, he would love to be here. Trust me. Uh… I mean, yeah, he’d kill to be here, to be honest, but… There’s one day. One day, I’ll get him. I did find out why he was in prison, which was crazy. So it was that same day. So they just carried a body down those stairs, and you can imagine the frustration to then be handed another body. Yeah, and you’re like, “Dude, are you serious?” “Like, we just did this, man.” You know? All right, that part I made up. But the rest, I swear the rest of it is true. Our daughter is in third grade, and for first grade, she started taking the bus, and it was the first time she ever took the bus. So you know, as a parent, you walk them to the bus stop, it’s very fun. So we got her on the bus, she went to school. At the end of the day, someone from school called my cell phone. They have my wife’s cell phone, they have my cell phone. They called my cell phone, and she said, “Do you know what bus number your daughter’s supposed to be on?” And I said, “I’m her dad.” As in, “Are you cra…” I was like, “This is how you thought you’d get this information, was to call the dad?” “You saw Mom and Dad’s cell phone, you go, ‘I bet the dad knows.'” I was like, “Do you have parents? You ever seen a family before?” “You thought, ‘Let’s call the husband’?” “Unless there’s two husbands, you should never call a husband a day in your life.” “I’d rather you ask a lady that doesn’t know her.” “I think she could get to the bottom of it quicker than I can.” I had to go get her. “All right, I’ll come get her.” “Tell me the name of the school and I’ll come get her. Where does she go?” When you pack lunches now, you got to be careful ’cause a lot of kids have peanut allergies now. And our daughter actually has a cashew allergy, with tree nuts. And so I don’t know what tree nuts are, but it could kill my daughter. The doctor goes, “Can’t have tree nuts,” and that’s it. He left. And I was like, “We’d love to know… I didn’t know where nuts came from, but apparently they come from two different places, and one of them’s a tree.” I feel bad. Look, I want to defend all these kids with peanut allergies. I don’t think they get defended. They get yelled at by adults. We got a lot of adults addicted to peanuts in this country. And they’re furious. I haven’t had peanuts in forever. You take peanuts out of my life, I don’t think I’d notice. And we just have… Adults are yelling at these children like they chose it, like when they were born, the doctor goes, “Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?” Every scenario is life and death. You ever been on a plane? They just announce it. These planes… Just serve pretzels and be done with it. But they try every flight, and if they can’t, they just go, “All right, everybody, can’t have peanuts today ’cause of that loser kid right there.” And these grownups are booing him. “The only reason I’m on the flight is for the peanuts.” “I don’t even know where it’s going.” We’re doing homework too. Our daughter started bringing it home. Homework’s fun. First and second grade was awesome. Third grade, you’re like, “Okay.” They throw some stuff in, you’re like, “Oh, all right. All right.” It’s, uh… “Okay, learning it earlier than we used to, huh?” I don’t even know if that’s true, but… She brought home Common Core math. That’s fun. It’s a new math they invented, no heads up. Just give it to parents that never learned it. Uh… It’s just a whole new… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They bring it home, you gotta watch a 40-minute YouTube video on Common Core math. I don’t even understand it. If you know it… If you don’t know Common Core, it’s just a new math. And the goal of Common Core is to use one sheet of paper for every problem. You… You just want to keep breaking the problem down. You put the problem at the top, and it just keeps going. And then what’s even funnier is you see old math in the middle of it. As you break it down, old math gets in there and you’re like, “Oh! Just do that at the top. I don’t even know what we’re doing.” It’s not like old math isn’t working. Old math still… I don’t get incorrect change everywhere, just going, “This stupid old math!” It’s a long way to get at the same answer. I told my wife, it feels like if you knocked on my front door and I opened it, and you say, “Can I come in?” And I was like, “Do you mind coming in through the back door?” “Does the front door not work?” “No, it works. I use it, a lot of people still use it, but the new way is to go jump the fence and come in the back and meet me at this same spot.” Even though I make fun of Common Core, I have learned stuff from elementary homework, which is embarrassing. I’m 41. My daughter is eight. Nothing should ever come out of her mouth that I’m like, “What? What was that?” I learned when to use “a” or “an” in a sentence. [chuckles] I didn’t know that there was a rule in play. I thought you felt it out, you know, and just go, “That feels right,” and that’s what you do. I do the same thing with a comma. I’ve never known where a comma’s supposed to go. If I feel a comma’s coming, I try to get out of that sentence so bad. I mean, I… And if I can’t, I just put a comma and see if someone says something, you know? They’re like, “Is that a comma?” I’m like, “Is it? My comma button has been sticking on my phone.” Uh… I remember nothing from school. People talk about history to me, I’m like, “I don’t know when you guys learned that. I think we skipped all of this.” I almost didn’t graduate high school. I had an F in science. I was taking a class called “Science” my senior year in high school. I mean, I had an F. My dad went and talked to the teacher and said, “Look, just give him a D.” “He’s not gonna do science stuff.” And the teacher agreed to it. She was that confident I wouldn’t touch the science world. I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it. And if you don’t know ACTs, 18 is like, “That’s not good, man, but you made it.” Seventeen, they’re like, “I don’t even… Are you enrolled in this school?” “Like, what are you doing?” The only thing I remember is in seventh grade, we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher. That stuck with me. He was too old to be in seventh grade. He drove to seventh grade. If you’re a seventh grade teacher, and one of the kids drives, you just know you gotta fight that kid one day. There’s… It’s just happening. Like, you… People always talk to me very easy, too, or dumb. If I talk to a stranger, I can always feel it. And I think it’s my eyes. I have big eyes, you know? And so I just get a lot of, “You still with me, man?” And… I’m just sitting there, like, “Yeah, man, I’m listening.” He goes, “It felt like you could’ve been anywhere, you know?” I got a reversible jacket at home, and I have two of them ’cause I didn’t know it was reversible. Bought them at the same time, tried them both on separately. Liked the black one, thought, “Might as well get the blue one, too.” Went and laid them up there, and I remember they go, “Are you sure?” I go, “Yeah, I think I know what I’m doing here, all right?” The dumbest I’ve ever been talked to… I like to golf, and so a guy was telling me, there’s a real golf course in North Carolina where llamas are the caddies. So if you don’t know anything about golf, a caddy usually carries your bag around, tells you how far you are from the hole, helps you out. So this course, they have llamas. So you put your golf bag on a llama and it carries your bag. So he told me that, and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes, and he goes, “Just so you know, llamas can’t talk, though.” I mean, that’s the question he was trying to get ahead of as he looked into my stupid eyes. Like, he just… “I’m going to say it so that guy doesn’t have to say it.” I’m just at the zoo talking to the giraffes, “Hey, where you guys from?” You know? “I know where you’re from, but where are you ‘from’ from?” [helicopter whirring] I’m gonna let this one go by. You know, the hard part is I see them coming before y’all, and I just see a blinking light, like, five miles away, going, “That one looks like it’s coming,” in my head. In my head, I’m just like, “I think it’s…” You know? Couple times I’ve looked, and it was just stars. Uh… Honestly, I look up and I’ll be like, “That one’s not moving that quick.” Uh… “Feel like one’s just sitting on top of us.” You’re like, “Ah, it’s the moon.” “Is it?” Uh… So I’m 41 years old. And when I turned 40, 40 was the first age I did not want to turn. I remember my parents turning 40. It just feels old. And it’s also the age that you do realize everybody you’re talking to, you are older than. Before you’re 40, I think everybody you talk to is your age, and for some reason, when you turn 40, you’re just older than that… I’ll be talking to them, like, “Remember that? It was ’97, ’98.” “I wasn’t born yet.” You’re like, “Golly! Are you serious, dude?” “In my eyes, we look the same.” “Where’s your dad at?” “Let me talk to him, ’cause I swear I thought you were my age.” One thing I got when I hit my forties was claustrophobia. Never had it, actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride, which is what’s crazy. I mean, we’re 100 yards away from where my life fell apart. I rode that ride with my daughter, and we’re sitting on it, and there’s… We had another buddy, and he has his two girls on. So we sit there, and they pull the bar down, and the bar… My leg gets stuck in the middle, and it just opened a door that I never knew was there. I mean, it’s just… It is like a problem. I had to stop the ride. It’s super embarrassing to stop a child’s ride and just be like… I’m just waving, like, “I can’t do it.” Then they open the bar and go, “You can do it again.” I was like, “I’m out.” And just, no one got to ride it ’cause I couldn’t ride it. We all had to leave. Yeah, ruined it for everybody. Uh… And that’s claustrophobia, just kind of ruins everybody’s time. It’s the… What’s funny… The panic of claustrophobia is pretty funny, though. It’s not funny when it’s happening to you, but how quick you go from normal to just an insane person, is just… It’s all at the same time. So it’s all kind of new to me, so I forget I have it, and I’ll put myself in a situation, and I go, “There it is.” I got in an Uber once with, like, seven people. We get in, I go, “I’ll get in the third row.” Try to be a good guy. I climb in the back, they put all the seats up, and it just starts hitting me. I’m back there, like… [sighs] Just trying to be normal, you know, not talking. Then you go, “Hey, you think you can roll the window down?” “You know what, can everybody just get out of the van real fast?” [chuckling] Just… We’re just driving down the interstate. “Could y’all crack the window?” “Do you mind if I drive the Uber? You think I could drive it?” So I was born in 1979. And the reason I say that, ’cause if you are my age or just right around my age, very, like… Maybe ’78 to ’80, you might realize, or maybe you don’t know, I’ve never been called a Millennial or Generation X. I’d never even really heard any of those terms growing up, and now you hear them all the time. So I looked it up to see, I was like, “What am I?” And I’m technically nothing. I’m on a cusp. I’m a generation gap. And what we are called… Xennials, or we’re called The Oregon Trail generation. Or we’re called… My favorite name is The Lucky Ones. And it’s true. We’re very lucky. We actually grew up in two different worlds. When I was a kid, I grew up like it was the ’50s. You would go outside, and your parents just didn’t know where you were. We went to school and played Oregon Trail on a computer at school. No one had a computer at home. “What are you, a zillionaire?” Like, I mean, you couldn’t… But then in high school, I had AOL. We had a computer at home. Then I got a beeper, and then I got a cellphone. I didn’t have social media until I was 26, with Myspace, you know? I mean, social media, like… Whatever I did in high school’s a rumor. It can’t ruin my life. So if you’re around my age, you might realize, you end up always being in the middle. Like, I understand. When a Gen-X’er says something, you’re like, “I get it.” A Millennial says something, “I get it.” You always feel in the middle. And these groups all hate each other. The most I’ve ever felt where I was in the middle is just this one hotel that I stayed at. So a lot of hotels now, they have Chromecast, and you can watch Netflix in your hotel room. So I’m watching. I get in my room, and I turn it on. My Chromecast is not working. So I called down to the front desk, and the oldest voice I ever heard answered the phone. This guy was a Civil War survivor. I mean, he… He was the age where you just go, “Thank you for your service.” Like, “Was he in the Army?” You’re like, “Probably, man.” “There’s an age where they all had to go at that age, so just say it.” Uh… So I tell him, “Hey, my Chromecast is not working.” I could’ve just made up a word. He’s never heard of that. I could have said, “My beep-bop broke.” I mean… He asked if I was staying at that hotel. That’s how confused… He goes, “Are you staying here?” I was like, “Do you think I’ve called a front desk from a different hotel room?” So he goes, “Look, I don’t know what this is, but there’s a younger guy here. I’ll send him up. He’ll help you.” And I was like, “Great.” So that guy comes up and he knocks on my door, I open it. He’s my dad’s age. Right when I see him, you’re like, “All right, dude.” “We don’t have to do this.” You know? I mean… “I know you’ve heard of it, but if I can’t fix it, you’re not gonna be able to fix it.” But he’s the generation that still wants to give it a try, so… I gotta let him in. So he comes in my room, sits on my bed, a little too far back, I thought. Uh… I just remember the back of his calves were touching the bed, and I was like, “Are your feet dangling? How far back are you gonna go?” Uh… “Are you cold? Do you want some covers, man?” He gets the remote and just starts pressing all the buttons. I said, “I don’t know if that’ll do it.” He goes, “Let’s just keep trying it, though.” I go, “All right.” Uh… [chuckles] “I’ll turn the shower on, open a window. Let’s try everything.” “Let’s just see. Maybe it turns on. Who knows? Maybe it’s all connected.” We can’t get it, and he goes, “All right, there’s a younger guy, he’s about to come to work.” At this point I’m like, “I’m the younger guy.” I was like, “It’s all right, dude. I don’t need it.” He goes, “No, it’s a Millennial.” And I was like, “Now we’re getting somewhere,” you know? “This is what the Millennial does. He was born with technology.” “He’ll know how to fix this.” I was excited. I was like, “Great.” He goes, “He comes to work in an hour.” I go, “Wonderful.” Let me tell you, know how quick that Millennial fixed it? I’ll never know, ’cause he just didn’t come to work that night, so… Didn’t call in, nothing. I found out ’cause the old guy called me ’cause he was supposed to fill in for him. He was furious, dude. He hates that Millennial. He goes, “He never comes to work, he doesn’t take it serious, he’s got a peanut allergy.” I was like, “All right, well…” I ended up fixing it myself because it was just unplugged. So, yeah, that’s my fault. Uh… [laughs] The next morning, I dealt with my daughter’s generation. Which is a generation that I feel like just thinks about themselves, you know? And so I go down to breakfast, they have the breakfast buffet. We’re all going through it, this little girl’s in front of me, and she has waffles. So she gets a waffle, and there’s a coffee pot worth of syrup sitting on a plate. So you pour it and you leave it back on the plate, and then you go and eat your breakfast. So she gets the syrup, and she just takes it to her table. So now the syrup’s gone. And I see this happen, but no one else does, so I’m hearing people go through and asking where the syrup’s at. It’s starting to become a problem. People are like, “Where’s the syrup?” The hotel’s like, “I don’t know.” “That’s all the syrup we have, was out there.” I know where it’s at, but I’m not trying to get involved. I didn’t wake up and think, “I hope I get to talk to everybody this morning.” When you roll out of bed, you’re not like, “I hope I’m about to get in the thick of it down there.” So I’m just trying to say stuff as I walk by people. “Maybe someone took it to their table, look around, maybe.” I just, like, keep going. “You see that little girl’s table over there? Maybe they have it.” And no one’s picking up on this. So I just have to go get it. This girl’s sitting with a bunch of her friends. So I go over to them, and I was like, “Hey, can we get that syrup back?” “That’s kind of for the entire hotel.” And she goes… They go, “Whatever.” All of them just blew me off. Then the father in me kicks in. I go, “All right. Just a heads up, just so you guys know, I did nothing wrong, and you guys have ruined breakfast for everybody.” “I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten out in public before, but do you see me over here with the tub of eggs?” “Do I have all the eggs?” “You did everything else, and for some reason you thought, ‘I bet this is all my syrup.’ And where are your parents at?” A couple of them started crying. Felt good, to be honest. I was away for a little bit. I like to practice on other children, you know, my discipline. And to make fun of my generation, just so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to skip over. Another hotel I was at… Another syrup incident, actually. I mean, I’m a big fan of waffles with syrup. I’m around syrup quite a bit, and… We’re at a Holiday Inn Express, so the breakfast buffet there, they have the cereal where you turn the knob and four pieces fall out. It’s like how you feed a cat for a long weekend, you know? You’re like, “That’s enough.” Uh… They had batter and syrup. They had the waffle iron where you make it yourself. You pour batter on the waffle iron, you shut it, turn it over, it locks. It cooks for two minutes, you turn it over, you open it. Half the waffle comes off, half stays forever. That’s how you eat a waffle. I’m with a buddy of mine that’s my age, so we go through, he’s in front of me. Not really talking or anything, just going through. He gets to it. The batter and syrup, they’re in clear containers. They’re not labeled, but they’re in clear containers. He gets the syrup and starts pouring it on the waffle iron. I’m not even stopping him, ’cause he’s not doing it, going, “I’ve never done it.” He’s doing it where we’re probably going to try it after. I mean, he’s just like… You’re like, “Dude, I can’t wait to see what this guy’s making.” “He might know something that I don’t know.” He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks. He’s looking at us, we’re like… I mean, the whole line’s like, “Yeah, what is that going to be?” And it makes black smoke, is what it makes. Just, I mean, dark, black smoke just starts filling the lobby. The manager comes over. “What are you doing?” “I guess I poured the wrong one. These are not labeled.” The guy’s like, “They’re in clear containers.” Do you not know the difference of batter and syrup?” He’s like, “I bet it happens all the time.” He goes, “I’ve worked here my whole life, I’ve never seen this.” So they threw the waffle iron… They just throw it away. That’s what they have to do, just throw it away. It’s over. Now there’s no waffles. We went from “all about to get a waffle,” to “it’s upside down in a trash can.” Then he just turns and looks, and it’s just a line of people with that little foam plate. And just everybody’s sad. I just hear someone in the back go, “I set my alarm for this.” Two guys didn’t have shoes on, “I ran down with no shoes in that elevator.” “I thought I was gonna miss it.” So my parents are in their sixties. And when your parents hit their sixties, just so you know, you kinda realize… You go, “All right, I’m in charge of this family now,” you know? They don’t give it up, they don’t offer it away. They just start doing stuff that you’re like, “I don’t know,” you know? We went to the store the other day, and we walk back to the car. We were in the store for an hour. We walk back, my dad’s… The driver’s side door is wide open. He drove, got open the door to go inside, and just kept walking. He’s been driving for 50 years. And I know cars are getting crazy, but one thing that’s stayed the same in all these 50 years is you gotta open and shut that front door. My dad wore my mom’s pants to a funeral. That was the day I was like, “We can’t listen to this guy no more,” you know? “We gotta go get him. He doesn’t know what’s happening.” It usually starts happening when you start doing the holidays at your house instead of your parents’ house. That’s when it starts. And so my parents, once we did that, they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome. So they still wanted to do Thanksgiving at their house, but they don’t have the room for us. There’s, like, 20 of us. It’s like a college kid being like, “Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?” There’s a table for four, and then they have to put a train of TV trays and nightstands that just weaves down this hallway. You’re sitting on stairs. We made the kids go eat in the car. We just go, “Go back in the car. You can’t even eat inside.” My mom didn’t have ketchup. I was like, “Everybody just has ketchup. It just comes in houses.” If I went to some alcoholic’s house, he’d have ketchup. His whole family’d be gone, but I’d say, “You have ketchup?” He’d be like, “I’m not that gone, man.” So I was… I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s. I was a kid in the ’80s and ’90s. During the ’80s and ’90s, kids were getting kidnapped pretty rapidly. And look, I’m not trying to say we were more desirable or something. I… I think we were outside more, a lot more opportunity, you know? Also a lot easier to get us into vans. Uh, didn’t take much. And… So parents back then, they would watch TV, and I think it would scare the parents. You know, you realize now, now everything’s a crime show. Everything you watch is crime, podcasts are crime, movies are crime. You almost see it so much. But back then, you only had so many channels, and when they’d watch these shows, they were very powerful shows. My parents used to watch a show called Rescue 911, and it would just show reenactments of crimes, and it was powerful. I’ve seen three seconds of Rescue 911. I remember walking through the living room, my parents are watching it, I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on, a woman is asleep with her feet out from under the covers, and he started rubbing her foot. That’s all I saw. I kept walking. I don’t know what happened before or after, but I know I’ve never been able to sleep with my feet out from under the covers, because I accidentally saw that 30 years ago. And my feet get so hot, and I want to put ’em out so bad. I mean, I try it every night for 30 years, and then that image pops in my head, and I yank ’em right back under. I’ll be in a hotel room like, “He can’t get in here, dude, you’ve locked everything.” I’m like, “That’s exactly what he’s been waiting for.” “He’s probably already in here.” So my parents, I think, watched a Rescue 911 where a kid went missing, so it got ’em scared. And I think they took it as, “Look, you guys are getting kidnapped.” “There’s nothing we can do. It’s happening.” So they wanted us to be prepared for it. So instead of, like, I don’t know, self-defense, give us a gun, I don’t know, something, what they did was… You know how you always hand out flyers if a kid goes missing? They’re like, “Let’s just get that flyer ready.” “We’ll just do that,” you know? If a kid goes missing, they always have a flyer. They put a picture of the kid and all the information below, so the height, weight, eye color, all that stuff. So instead of making a flyer, what they made us do was we wrote on a piece of paper our name, height, weight, eye color, and then we just held it up against the wall, and they just took a picture of us. So the picture is us holding our own information. And they said, “When the cops are like, ‘Hey, let’s get a flyer ready,’ we’ll be like, ‘Well, we’ve been rooting for this to happen.'” “‘We already have one made.’ We’ll give that to the police.” Which, if we would have been kidnapped, my parents would be in prison right now. No one’s going to believe you pre-took pictures. They’ll just look at this and be like, “Just tell us where the kids are at.” “That would be the easiest thing to do. I’ve never seen this ever.” They had to go get that printed at Walmart too. You couldn’t do that at home. You had to go show people that you’re crazy. We walked in Walmart. The guy’s probably like, “Could I talk to your kids by themselves for a bit? I’d love to chat with them.” So I’m, uh, married as well. We… Me and my wife just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. And… Thank you. [audience applauds] Uh, we’ve been together for 20 years, and I met her, it was before I ever started comedy. We both worked at Applebee’s together, is where we met. We’re big Applebee’s fans still to this day. [helicopter whirring] Hold on. Let me just… It feels like… Yeah, that’s a good one. How many… Are they not all doing the same job? You know, like… Wouldn’t they just be like, “I’m already over here, so you don’t gotta come over here,” you know? That’s what they should do. They should talk more. “I’m over here,” and he goes, “Okay, I didn’t realize you were over–” He’s like, “Yeah, so don’t go. I’ll stay here, and you stay over there.” “That’s our main thing, is that we can stay right here, you know?” All right. So my wife and I, we met at Applebee’s. And before I ever started comedy. I was a host, and she was a server. And someone asked her recently, they said, “Hey, do you think… Did you ever imagine when you started dating that your lives would become all that it’s become?” She said, “When I met him, he was a host, and I didn’t think he was smart enough to be a server.” So, yeah. We’ve gone a little bit farther than I expected. You know? [chuckles] I told her I wanted to be a server one day. She’s like, “You keep dreaming that dream, all right?” “I think if you try hard, you can get that menu memorized.” Me and my wife… So I’m the dreamer of our group. I feel like in a marriage, one of you is a dreamer, you know, “Money’s not real, let’s have fun, let’s go do fun stuff as much as we can.” And the other person hates fun. That’s how you make a marriage. You can’t have two dreamers, you’ll be homeless in an hour. You need someone that walks around, “Is fun happening? I’d like to put a stop to that.” “Are y’all having fun? Stop it. Is the air conditioning on? Turn it off.” I married my dad, is who I married. My dad, who I thought air conditioning cost $100,000 a day to run it. We’d be on car rides, I thought if you turned it on, your car exploded. Like, just gas, you were out immediately. “Someone turn the air conditioner on?” My wife’s always around too, I feel. Just always, like, near, you know… Especially at home, it’s like I married a cat. I’m like, “You’re just always on me.” If I go to the bathroom, she’s like, “I’m gonna paint the bathroom door while you’re in there.” I’m like, “You couldn’t do it later?” “No, I had all the time to do it.” “I thought I’d wait till you went in, that’s when I was gonna start.” If I eat something she doesn’t approve of, she just pops up, man. I mean, I’ll try to sneak it. I could eat an Oreo cookie in the attic at 3:00 a.m., and I would bet my life a light would cut on and she’d be like, “What are you doing up here?” If I question it, like, “What are you doing here?” She’s like, “I’m always here. This is when I do my attic stuff.” She put Life360 on my phone, so they can track you even when they’re not near you. You might not even know you have it on your phone. It’s worse than what the government’s doing. I would rather the government track me than her. She calls me, “Why are you at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?” I’m like, “I’m not gonna live like this, all right?” If I want donuts, I’m not gonna lock my phone in a gym locker and go pay cash for donuts. I’ve done it, but I’m not gonna do it every time. God forbid I go to a store she has a coupon for. I’m out walking in the parking lot, just get a call, “Don’t buy anything. I have a coupon.” Like, “Do you think I’m gonna come home and get it?” “Is that what you think’s about to happen?” “I’m going to try to pay more, now that you called.” “I don’t even know if Target allows that, but I’m gonna try to negotiate up on this toothpaste.” “You better hope they don’t ask me to round up. I’m rounding up.” I hate coupons so much, and she’s addicted to ’em. She will not let me… “I got a coupon.” Like, I just feel so stupid. I’m buying deodorant and I’m like, “I don’t have all the money, but I’m almost there, but I do have this coupon.” “One day, I hope to be able to pay full price.” “We are saving up as much as we can.” One of the best fights we got in… It’s not… I mean, the fight wasn’t good, just ridiculous fight. …was over the saying “one fell swoop.” Just over that saying. [helicopter whirring] My wife and I… Hold on, let me… This is the last one. I just hear one in the background. ‘Cause you hear it from a far distance, and then it’s like he’s going that way. Doesn’t it sound like he’s going the other way? Right? Y’all are like, “We don’t even hear it,” and I’m just up here, I mean… Just haunts me for the rest of my life. Every show, we’re back doing theaters, I’m like, “Is that…” “You guys hear a helicopter?” You’re like, “Inside the building?” I’m like, “Yeah, does everybody hear it?” “Everybody, get down, quiet down. Is that a helicopter in this…” All right. So we got in the fight over the phrase “one fell swoop.” Just over this saying. And if you’re a newlywed and you’re like, “That doesn’t make sense,” you’re right, it doesn’t. This is a double-digit married fight. This is when you’ve already done all the dish fighting or the putting-your-clothes-away fighting. This is when they’re trying to mentally break you. Uh… They got you almost how they want you, and this is the one that sends it over the edge. So my wife wanted to go visit her parents one weekend, and her parents are divorced, which has been hardest on me, to be honest. That’s something people don’t talk about, when you marry into divorce. They divorced because of her, not me, so why do I have to go to 50 different houses? [chuckles] So… She wanted to visit her parents. She said, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” Now, I’ve never heard my wife say the phrase “one fell swoop.” We’ve been together 20 years, she’s never said it. It felt like someone that day told her, “Hey, you should start using ‘one fell swoop’ more.” She goes, “I’m about to call my husband.” It goes, “Perfect, use it 40 to 50 times on him.” She calls and goes, “I wanna visit my parents in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” She goes, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” “Let’s swoop it up, I’m down.” She kept saying it. “One fell swoop,” over and over again. And then when she went to describe this one fell swoop trip, she goes, “We’ll go to my mom’s, come home, then go to my dad’s.” And so I just, like, waited, and she didn’t say anything, and I just go, “That’s not what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” And instead of possibly just being wrong, she goes, “I know what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” I go, “Yeah? It doesn’t sound like you do, all right?” “We have the same last name.” “I can’t have you out there in a ‘one fell swoop’ conversation.” “What do you think ‘two birds, one stone’ means?” “Let’s go through them all. I dunno if you know any of these.” She hangs up on me. So I get home, and you know when you walk home and you’ve been in a fight, and you’re like, “All right, how long is this fight? Is it happening still?” “Is it over? I don’t know.” I got to feel it out, you know? She never uses words like “sorry.” I’d love to hear that. That’s a word she definitely doesn’t know what it means. I say it all the time. I walk around the house with a sack of sorrys, just handing them out all day. I tried to give her some. “Would you like to carry these?” She’s like, “I don’t have pockets, so I’m good.” We didn’t talk that whole night. We’re sitting there, our daughter… We’re watching TV, eating. And I’m like, “Hey, you know your mom’s crazy, right?” She’s like, “Did you do your homework? You don’t wanna be dumb like your dad.” And then our daughter’s just like, “Are y’all lunatics?” So I’m laying on the couch, and my wife just came over and she kisses me goodnight, and then she went to bed, and that was it. You know? I felt like it was her “sorry,” I guess, but she didn’t say it. So I laid there, just thinking about it. You think about it a lot ’cause you learn the longer you’re married, sometimes it’s like, let stuff go, you know? Who cares. The next morning I get up and I still want to talk about it, ’cause we didn’t talk all night, you know? So I went to her, I was like, “Look, I got to tell you, I mean, it’s just not what it means, you know?” And that, that got it going real good. Uh, but I felt so good about this argument, you know, I thought about it all night. I was like, “You got this one in the bag, man. You should bring it back up.” “I’m not trying to date her anymore I’d like to win a fight.” “We’re gonna die together.” I almost woke her up in her sleep, that’s how much I was so excited. I almost started shaking her going, “It’s not what it means.” Our marriage almost ended in one fell swoop, so… All right. Thank you guys so much for coming out to this. Truly appreciate it. [audience cheers and applauds] ♪ Got the keys to the kingdom ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Take it a la carte ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ All four seasons ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Well, bless your heart ♪ [Nic] You don’t know Tonya Harding? I don’t know Tonya. No. Everybody knows that reference, all sports fans. You don’t know who Tonya Harding is? [laughs] Nobody knows Tonya Harding, dude! I swear! I can’t believe you don’t know this. I’m the biggest sports fan in your life. If I don’t know, I guarantee no one else watching this knows. You ask them, “Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan,” you’re gonna have 80% of America, is gonna know. Eighty percent! You don’t have 80% of this bus that knows it! One finished first, one finished second? I mean, come on! I mean, come on! I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. You’re literally saying that, “This is the first time he’s hearing it,” and I’m like, “It is the first time!” I keep going… Hitting my head. [man] It was pretty great, yeah. “Come on! Come on!”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Joe List: I Hate Myself (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-list-i-hate-myself-transcript/

[Emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List. [audience applauds and cheers] Thank you. [audience applauds and cheers] Thank you. That was way too much. I feel like, I feel like everyone’s aware that that was too much. There was definitely a moment where collectively everyone was like, I think we’re overdoing it, a little bit. Appreciate it. That was nice. Some of you, I felt like that was more about you than it was me. To be honest, I felt like a couple of you were like, I’m gonna be the guy, I’m gonna, you’re gonna hear me. At least four of you are like, I can’t wait to watch this. ‘Cause I’m gonna point out my voice, going hey! That’s fair. Good to be here in New York. I said that like I am visiting, I live here. It’s nice to live here. I travel all the time, every week. I hate flying, I get very anxious when I fly. I’m not afraid of a crash. I’m afraid of a conversation. That’s what I hate about flying. I was on a plane the other day, the guy next to me, was like, what do you do? And I was like, I mind my own business on airplanes. First of all, you’re sitting too close together to have a conversation. The guys shouldn’t make eye contact. We’re just staring at each other from this distance. I’m like, I could kiss you without using a neck muscle. That’s how close you are. [audience laughs] I was on a plane the other day. The guy next to me was eating a lollipop. Don’t you think that’s an inappropriate airplane food, a lollipop. It’s too noisy, he’s like. [slurps] I was like, sir, you’re turning me on. Could you relax a little bit? They don’t even sell lollipops at the airport. That’s a from home lollipop. That guy got a lollipop. He’s like, I’m gonna hold on to this until I fly. I wanna make sure I have that three inches from somebody’s ear. I don’t even know where you get a lollipop, by the way, outside of a bank and a doctor’s office, they don’t sell them, do they? If you gave me $10 right now and you were like, go get me a lollipop. I would come back a week from now with my shirt torn and be like, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know. I hate everybody on every plane. We all hate each other though. That’s not exclusive to me. We all hate each other. You know, everyone hates each other on the airplane. ‘Cause as you’re boarding the airplane, everyone just stares at you, dead in the face. angrily, the whole flight’s, just. That’s the only time as a society we’re not looking at our phone. Everyone’s like, let’s put our phones away and look upset at everybody else on this airplane. I hate it, but I do it too. I’m just as guilty. As soon as I sit down, I’m like this fucking idiot getting on the plane. What! [audience laughs] Back there. It doesn’t matter where are on the plane. You feel better than everybody behind you, don’t you? You can be in the second to last row. This one guy behind, you’re like what a fucking idiot back there. Embarrassing, loser. Last row. I was on a plane the other day. I hated the guy behind me. He kept yawning out loud, the whole flight. Am I a psycho or is that annoying? The whole flight he’s like. [yawns] For like five hours. [yawns] I wanted him to die, I swear to God. I was like, hope this guy passes away on the flight. First of all, you don’t need to make a noise when you yawn. That’s a decision, he’s deciding to do that. It’s like, if you were hungry on a plane, you were like, I’m hungry. Well you’re all right? Yeah, yeah I’m hungry. I like to let people know when I’m hungry. I think it’s important for people to know that. People who yawn out loud, they want attention. That’s why they’re doing it. They want you to be like, “Oh, my God, are you tired?” And they’re like, I am, here’s my entire life story. of how I came to be tired. Don’t fall for it, it’s a trap. Plus isn’t it fun to not ask somebody a question when they really want you to ask them a question? You ever do that when someone was like, “I had a wild night last night.” and then you’re like, “Neat.” And then you just walked away. That’s like one of my favorite things to do. Just tell me your shitty story. Don’t make me ask for it. I flew recently, I was at the airport, La Guardia airport, here in New York, that’s my home airport. I was walking through the terminal. They were playing “Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses at the airport. That’s a weird airport song. I’m a rock and roll guy. I love Guns N’ Roses, I’m cool. But it’s a little much at the airport. I’m walking to the terminal. I just hear like. Du du du du du du du, aah! I’m like hey, can we cool it down a little bit? It’s 7:30 AM. I’m eating a muffin, looking for an outlet. I don’t think we need to rock this hard. Also it’s a little unnerving to be boarding a flight. And hear, “You’re gonna die!” [audience laughs] I’m like, shit, am I? If they play “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” next, I’ve never flying again, I’ll take the bus. I do fly every week though. Pretty much literally every week. I get upgraded a lot. That’s the nice thing about flying all the time. I got upgraded recently, my wife and I, both of us, like we have two tickets in first class, but they’re not together. We’d have to separate you. Is that okay? And I was like a 100%. I feel like that won’t to hurt your feelings. I love my wife, I’m joking. I love my wife, you gotta take first-class, if you can get it. They’re gonna be like, we’ve two tickets in first class but you have to get divorced to have them. I would be like, baby, we had a great ride. I loved it, come on let’s get comfy. It was cross country, first class though. That’s the real deal shit. That’s where your seat turns into a bed. It is weird to get separated from your wife on one of those. ‘Cause they put me with like a random fat guy. I don’t wanna make fun of him for being fat ’cause some of you are fat, but he was so fat. He was coming into my seat. Like we were flushed shoulder to shoulder and then we slowly ease back into bed together. And then we chose the same movie and I was like, this is the most romantic date I’ve ever been on. I’m like, if this guy makes a move, I’ll bang them right here, I don’t give a shit. We got blankets, turbulence “When Harry met Sally” is on, it’s nice you know. At one point on the flight I got up, I looked over, my wife had her own guy that she was in bed with. And then he was like the hottest guy in the plane. And that pissed me off. ‘Cause I was like, I want that guy, switch guys! You take this piece of shit. I want the hot guy, I paid for these tickets. I like watching movies on the plane. We all do that right? I like Delta, I fly Delta. Delta is the best airline. They have the best movies on Delta. I don’t know who categorizes the movies at Delta. I don’t think they’re doing a great job. I was on a flight the other day. I went to the classic section and “The Hangover Part Two” was under classics. I swear to God, it was “To Kill A Mockingbird”. “It’s A Wonderful Life.” And “The Hangover Part Two”. Classic. I remember the first time I saw “The Hangover Part Two” my grandfather showed it to me. It was on Turner Classic Movies and we watched it on his black and white TV. Really bonded. That wasn’t the most egregious though. The most ridiculous one I went to. This is true, you can check my Instagram account. I went to documentary and the movie “A Quiet Place” was under documentaries. I don’t know if you remember that movie. That was a summer blockbuster horror movie where monsters kill you if you make a sound. Somebody at Delta watched that movie and was like, this is an amazing documentary. Holy shit. How did I not read about this in the papers? I’m glad somebody documented this. I’ll tell you what I like to do though. I bet a lot of you guys do this. I like to download a movie, bring a laptop on the flight, download a movie. Then you can just choose any movie you want, but you can use, you gotta use some discretion ’cause everyone around you can see the movie you’re watching. So you don’t wanna get too weird with it. Like, one time I brought the movie “Casino”. You guys all remember that movie? Great movie from the 90’s, Scorsese, right? Very violent. If you haven’t seen the movie, at one point in the movie, a guy has his head crushed in a vice and his eyeball pops out. I looked over, there was a seven year old child just staring at my laptop. He looked horrified. I felt so bad. I was like, you know what? Take an ear, bud, it’d be better with sound. If you could hear it. Then he started crying and I was like, are you ratting me out right now? Because I’ll crush your little head in this laptop computer if I have to. I was at a plane one time, the lady next to me, she was watching “50 Shades Of Grey” on her laptop. Did you guys see that movie, great documentary. It’s a classic and a documentary really. Very sexual film. I thought she was watching porn at first. I was like good for you lady. Get after it, enjoy yourself. The flight attendant came by and she’s like, “Would you like more pretzels?” I was like more “Napkins, if you don’t mind.” I wasn’t expecting to see tits on the plane. That kind of caught me off guard. We were landing. She’s like, “Could ‘ya put your tray table up?” I’m like, “I’d rather not right this moment.” I’m in the full, upright locked position myself. This is a spicier flight than I’m accustomed to. I can’t sleep on the plane. Even with the first class I can’t sleep on an airplane. I don’t know about you guys, my friends, like, “Why can’t you sleep on an airplane?” He acts like, I’m crazy. He’s like, “Why don’t you just go to sleep?” I’m like, “I can’t.” And he’s like, “Why?” I’m like, is that hard to understand? That’s not a normal sleeping situation that’s why. Like, if you went home tonight and you went to bed and there was a jet engine idling outside of your bedroom window, don’t you think you might be like, I’m gonna have trouble sleeping tonight because of the jet engine outside of my bedroom window. And then also somebody replaced your bed with a chair and there were 71 strangers in your bedroom with you and then someone woke you up in the middle of the night to offer you a Coke. That’s what they do on airplanes. It’s like, I know you’re trying to sleep, but do you want a Coke right now? I’m like, yeah, yeah, give me a Coke. I like to break up my sleep with a can of Coke. That’s how I sleep at home. I sleep for four hours. I wake up, I drink a can of Coke. Kind of spice up my dreams a little bit. Sometimes I boil Cola right before bed, little sleepy, time Pepsi. I love Coke, I had to quit Coke. I quit Coca-Cola, I still do blow. Obviously you gonna live your life you know. Coke is bad for you, I used to drink it all the time. People would always tell me it’s bad. People love to do that. My friends, people would always say “Coke can take the paint off your car. “What does that tell you?” And I’m like, it tells me not to put it on my car. That’s what I, I’m not putting it on my car. I’m putting it in my body and I don’t have any paint in my body. If I did have paint in my body, I would want to get rid of it. So if you think about it that way, Coke’s actually a pretty healthy beverage. Don’t want paint in your body. If your kid accidentally swallows some paint, give him a can of Coke, send it back out there. He’ll be fine. That’s very healthy. My buddy tried to help me sleep on the plane. He was like, you wanna borrow my sleep mask for your flight. I was like, I don’t. First of all, I don’t need a sleep mask. I have a built in sleep mask called eyelids, my eyelids block out the light for me. Also it’s not the lighting. It’s the farts and the announcements is what I’m having a hard time with. [audience laughs] You don’t need a mask to sleep. Those words don’t even go together. Sleep mask, that’s like a masturbation helmet. It doesn’t, they don’t go together. Honey, have you seen my masturbation helmet and my bowel movement, knee pads. They were with my sleep mask earlier. Now I can’t find any of them. I have trouble sleeping at home too ’cause I have anxiety. My same friend, he tried to help me with that. He goes the key to falling asleep. He goes, you wanna keep your body temperature cool. I was like, okay, that makes sense. Then he said one way to do that. You can wear socks and gloves to bed. It’ll draw heat to those areas and cool the rest of your body. It’s like nice. I might try that or I might flick on the air conditioning. That might be another thing. I’ll either wear socks and gloves to bed, like I escaped from an asylum. Or perhaps I’ll turn on the ceiling fan. I might even stick my leg out from underneath the blankets. That’s another way people have been cooling down for several centuries. Good advice though. I might do that in the summer, summertime, you know, I’ll go down to the beach on a hot day and wear a couple of oven mitts and some tube socks. Kinda cool down my torso. You know how a lot of times people wear gloves to keep their nipples cool. Good advice. I try to get healthy. I quit drinking a long time ago, few years ago, you know? ‘Cause sometimes, oh, thank you, I don’t know if that’s a boo. That’s usually a sign that you’re an alcoholic by the way. If you hear someone be like, I quit drinking. And someone’s like, boo. I was getting too wild. Sometimes you get too wild when you’re drinking. You know, sometimes I think there’s like placebo effect to drinking a little bit, you ever think that? You see like a person, they’re acting like an asshole, they’re like it’s the whiskey talking and then you’re like, that’s a Smirnoff Ice and it’s your first one, so I feel like it’s your personality talking actually. I think there’s some placebo effect to alcohol. ‘Cause I haven’t had a drink in years, but I had a cold recently. So I went to a health food store and I got a shot of wheat grass. I don’t even know what wheat grass is, but they put it in a shot glass and I fired it back and I was like, who wants to see my dick? And I kicked over a table. [audience laughs] I was like, sorry, that was muscle memory. I haven’t drank anything one and a half ounces at a time in a while, I got fired up. I apologize. Give me some vitamins, I wanna snort them up. But it’s hard to be healthy, it’s hard for everyone. I’m like on the road all the time. I’m traveling so it’s like hard. Like sometimes I eat McDonald’s ‘Cause it’s the only thing open. And also because it’s my favorite restaurant. I was at McDonald’s the other day I was dining in. It’s funny, right? That’s the term they use. You order your food. They’re like, will you be dining in, like I’ll be eating over there. I feel like, dining feels a little dramatic. I’m going to chew my food in the corner as fast as I possibly can, in the hopes that nobody sees me. I’m not going to cut my burger in half and put a cloth napkin in my shirt, light a candle. But I was, I was dining in and the phone rang while I was at McDonald’s. That blew my mind. You guys don’t even seem weirded out by that. Not my phone, their phone, somebody called McDonald’s on the telephone. A human being was at their house and was like, you know who we need to call? McDonald’s, let me get them on the phone. I don’t even know they had a phone. They employees didn’t know. They were like, what the hell is that sound? We have a phone, what! Who calls McDonald’s, I’m like, what are you making, reservations? That must’ve been the breathiest phone call of all time. Just are the new toys in yet? I asked the lady, I was like, what was that phone call all about? She was like, it was somebody complaining about the food. That blew my mind even more. I didn’t know we could complain at McDonald’s. It’s shit food. That’s what you bought. That’s a gamble. I could go to McDonald’s, my burger could be bleeding. I’d be like, that’s hilarious. You guys are crazy, let’s get outta here. Imagine complaining to a McDonald’s employee. Excuse me, my meal wasn’t great. Yeah, my fucking life isn’t great. Are you shitting me? Go to a real restaurant, asshole, I don’t care. You can complain to McDonald’s. I think, if they get your meal wrong. That’s like one thing you get, you get your meal in the right way, you know? But even that’s not great. You can be like, oh, excuse me, you put pickles on this. I don’t really like pickles and what they do for you. They’ll take the pickles off and they eat them while making eye contact with you and they slide your burger back to you. [audience laughs] I had a complaint recently, at McDonald’s, but I didn’t complain ’cause I’m a good American goddammit. This is my complaint. I went to the McDonald’s and I ordered my meal. My meal came to $9.89 cents and I paid with a $10 bill. My change is 11 cents and the woman went, “Do you need your 11 cents or no?” I thought that was weird. Once again, none of you are affected by this. I thought that was strange. I was like, well, I would like it. That belongs to me. So typically you would just give that to me at this point, in the transaction, but she was like, “Right, but do you need it?” And I was like, “I don’t need it. “No, I guess not.” And then she was like, “Great, thank you.” She took it out of the drawer, put it in her pocket, and just walked away. And I was like, what the fuck just happened to me? I just got robbed with my permission. That was very strange. It was like a Jedi mc-mind-trick. She was like, you don’t need your 11 cents. I’m like, I guess I don’t, take it. I eat a lot of fast food. I eat Chipotle a lot. That’s like my go to. [audience cheers] Thank you. But Chipotle, I live here in New York. Now when you go to fast food restaurants in New York city, they have like a secret code on the bathroom door. ‘Cause like they don’t want, if you don’t have a secret code in New York, people will move into your bathroom. They’re like, this is our apartment now. But I don’t know if you know this, when you go to the middle of the country, people don’t wanna live in the Chipotle bathroom. So there’s no code on the bathroom door, which is confusing to us, New Yorkers. Like I was, I was in like rural Illinois recently and I went to a Chipotle and I walked up to the counter and I was like, “Hey, what is the bathroom code?” And the guy had no idea what I was talking about. He was like, “Number one urine. “Number two shit? [audience laughs] “Like is that the code you’re asking me for?” I was like, “No, I know that code, of course.” That’s, that’s the most popular bathroom code, of course. Number one pee, number two poo. We all know that. That’s international, that’s all over the world. There should be a statue, or a plaque, to whoever came up with the number one, number two system. I googled it for like three straight days, I couldn’t get to the bottom of who came up with it. I think this though, I think it was a woman. I think a woman came up with it, because, I think woman like to let you know, when they have have to go number two, but they don’t wanna say anything, because it’s not socially acceptable. Like my wife, she lets me know, when she has to go number two. She telegraphs it slightly. This is what she does. She scrunches up her body, and then she whispers, she goes, “I have to go to the bathroom.” [audience laughs] And I’m like “Did you date a guy that hit you, “when you shit? “What, why do you look afraid of me right now? “Baby I love ya, get in there, let it rip. “Am I putting on an anti bowl movement vibe? “I’m pro shitting. “We can make out while you do it, I like it. “I’m not into shitting, but, you gotta, “gotta get it out there.” I’m cool with the bathroom. I have no bathroom issue. I have one bathroom issue. But this is only, I think only men deal with this. At some point, men reach an age, where at some point they start taking their penis out, several feet, before they arrive at a urinal or stall. I don’t like that. I don’t know when that starts happening. Every once in a while I’m in a public restroom, you just see a guy like, “Eh, I gotta take a piss, ugh.” I’m like “Dude, you gotta leave earlier, “or get less complicated pants, something’s going wrong,” It’s not like taking your keys out, before you get to your car, it’s offensive. I think that’s just men, by the way, I don’t go to ladies rooms, but I don’t picture women being like, “Heads up Barbra. “I had too many coffees.” “Whoa, Sue, great labia, my God.” [audience laughs] Anyways, I’m trying to eat healthier, it’s hard. I tried to go vegetarian, for like a week. I was like, let me go one week, detox, vegetarian. I didn’t, I tried. I didn’t do great. I went five days. I ate Spaghetti Os, M&Ms, and Froot Loops, exclusively, for five straight days, and I was like, “I feel like shit, and my teeth hurt, this diet sucks.” I broke the diet by accident, day six I ordered spaghetti and meatballs at a, I swear to God this is true, I’m an idiot. I was halfway through before I was like, you know what, I think there might be meat, in meatballs. I’m gonna, let me just double check on this. I was like, “By any chance, do you guys not put meat, “in your meatballs? “You do. “They’re balls of meat. “Okay, that’s great, thank you. “Do you have any Froot Loops by any chance?” I wanna be healthy, I feel like I’m relatively healthy. I went to the doctor recently. I can go afford to go to the doctor now. I still don’t have health insurance, but, like, I can afford a visit. I’m not, this is where I’m at financially. I’m not rich, but here’s where I’m at. I had a big milestone recently. This is my point in life. If I pay for something with a debit card, and it doesn’t go through, I say, “Run it again.” [audience laughs] That’s like a big moment in your life. Most of my life they’re like “That didn’t go through.” I’m like “That makes perfect sense. “I’ll get the hell out of here. “I apologize. “I hate myself. “I’m gonna move back in with my parents, “don’t call the cops.” But, now I’m like, “No way, that’s all you. “I got 300 bones in there.” I went to the doctor, it’s nice to go the doctor, you know. I went to the ear doctor. Most people don’t go to the ear doctor. In fact, so few people go to the ear doctor, they had to combine forces with the nose and throat doctor. That’s one doctor ear, nose, throat. That’s the only doctor that combines body parts. There’s no doctor that’s like, “I’m foot, pussy, forehead. “Those are my three areas.” Well, cool man. He’s like, “Yeah those are my three favorites, “so I just studied those, and now I, you know.” Nice, that’s awesome. So I went to the ear, nose, throat doctor, which is a cool doctor. It’s one doctor. He knows all three body parts. I was hoping it was three doctors saving money, by sharing a small office. He’s like, “I’m Bill, this is Susan, and Ted. “Ear, nose, throat. “Who do ya need?” And they all kinda. I went for my ear, I have an ear issue called, , tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. That’s when you’re ears ring. You got it? Yeah, it’s frustrating. It’s when you’re ears ring, or buzz all the time. I don’t know how you say it. I thought it was called tinnitus, but then I watched a YouTube video, and the doctor in the video, he kept saying “tin-uh-dus.” And so I was like, “Oh, I guess it’s pronounced tin-uh-dus.” But then I went to the comments section, and the first comment said, “This guy’s a fake ass fucking retard doctor. It’s pronounced t-ah-n-i-tus.” All caps. And then I was like, “Shit, now I don’t know how to say this word.” This gentlemen is a doctor, he seems very smart. This fella seems, less smart, but, extremely adamant about the pronunciation of this word. Tomato, to-mah-to. However you say it. If you have it, don’t go to the doctor, they don’t do shit. I went to the doctor I was like “Doc, I have uh, tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. “Whatever you guys are calling it. “My ears are ringing.” And then he said, “Okay, I’m gonna test your hearing.” And I was like, “Oh no, that’s okay. “My hearing is great. “I hear everything, plus ringing, so. “I kind of have superpower hearing, if you think about it. “I’m hearing shit that’s not even in the room.” He gave me the hearing test, I passed it. Nailed it. Great hearing. Then he said, “I’m gonna look in your ears, “to make sure it’s nothing obvious.” I thought that was kind of hilarious, ’cause, he didn’t explain what obvious would be. Like he’s gonna look in my ear and be like, “Oh, there’s a tiny alarm clock in your ear canal. “That’s, that’s a very rare condition. “I’m gonna reach in there, hit the snooze for ya. “You’ll be fine, for like nine minutes, but.” He looked at my ear, it was nothing obvious, so, then he was out of things. And he was like, “Well, your hearing is great, “and it’s nothing obvious causing the problem.” And then he said this, he goes, “You have an overbite. “Might have something to do with your overbite.” That was it. No science, no confidence. He just picked out a thing, I’m psychically self conscious about, and was like, “Maybe that? “Could be your small dick also, I don’t know, you have a, “you have a lot of problems, you’re very unattractive.” And I’m like, “Geez, that’s unfair.” I always feel insulted at the doctor. Don’t you feel so vulnerable, at the doctor? Everything he says. He tried to explain tinnitus, he’s like “You have tiny little hairs, in your ear.” And I was like, “You have big hairs in your nose, asshole. “Why don’t you leave me alone, you bully.” Then he said, he goes “I recommend getting a white noise machine.” And I was like, “You’re a white noise machine.” I was like, “What does a white noise machine do?” He goes, “Well that way you’re hearing the white noise, “instead of the sound that you’re hearing.” And I was like, “Right. “The sound I’m hearing is white noise. “Like I have a white noise machine in my head. “That’s the issue. “You’re telling me to get surround sound of the problem, “I’m telling you I have.” That’d be like if you had a bad smell in your nose, and you went to the doctor, and he was like, “Put a little dog shit, on your lip. “Just every morning, scoop a little dog shit, “on your upper lip. “That’s what I would do. “That way you’re smelling dog shit. “That’ll be $8,000. “We don’t take any insurance. “God bless America.” Then I went to the dentist. I’ve been going to the dentist a lot. I didn’t go to the dentist for like 10 years. Don’t skip years. I thought you could just skip over those years, but, they make you make up for the time you missed. I hate the dentist. I love my dentist, personally. Like, he’s a good guy, we’re friends, I love him. But, dentists are the doctor, I trust the least. I think they’re just making shit up. Like cavities, I feel like those are completely made up, by the dental industry. Nobody’s on board with this, but. My dentist is like, “You have a cavity.” And I was like, “Do I? “It doesn’t hurt.” And he’s like “Cavities don’t always hurt.” And I was like, “I don’t see anything.” And he’s like, “You can’t really see cavities.” I was like, “This is awfully convenient for you, isn’t it? “It doesn’t hurt, and I can’t see it, “but you need to fix it? “That’s a little suspicious, if you ask me.” He’s like, “You can ignore it, “but it’ll turn into root canal.” And I was like, “Now I feel like you’re threatening me. “I think you’re making shit up, “and you’re threatening me with it.” And I was like, “Whatever, fill it I guess.” He filled the cavity. I think he filled it. I have no idea. They numb your mouth, you can’t feel what they’re doin’, and you can’t see what they’re doing. So he might have been crocheting. I have no idea what this guy did, but he charged me 500 bucks, which seemed high, you know. And then I went back six months later, you gotta go every sixth months. And this time I needed a root canal. Different tooth. It wasn’t even hurting. He’s like, “You need a root canal.” And I was like, “Which tooth?” He’s like, “Whichever one you want, just pick a tooth. “I thought, I’d make some extra cash for the holidays.” I was like, “Are you sure I need a root canal?” He’s like, “Oh yeah.” He showed me the x-ray. Doctors love to show you the x-ray, as though you’ve read an x-ray, at any point in your entire life. He tosses it up there he’s like, “Take a look.” I’m like, “I don’t know what that is, I don’t. “I read books, and tweets, almost exclusively, I don’t.” And he’s like, “See how it’s all white right here.” And I’m like, “Well, it’s a black and white photo, so. “The whole God damn photo is white.” I was like “I can’t afford a root canal.” I was like, “What are those, like $3,000?” He goes, “They’re not $3.000.” He said it like I was an idiot. He’s like, “They’re not $3,000.” And I’m like “All right, well I’m not a dentist, “and you don’t have a menu with prices on it, okay?” I was like, “How much do they cost?” He said, “$1,800.” Which is a little frustrating, ’cause I feel like I was in the ballpark. It’s not like I said 75,000, I was pretty close. They did the root canal, which was fine, and then afterwards he’s like “Now you need a crown.” And I was like, “How much does the crown cost?” And with a straight face, he said “$1,200.” I swear to God, that’s not even a joke, at all. I was like “What? “I’m sorry, that sounds an awful lot like $3,000. “You could have at least given me “the satisfaction of nailing it. “I should get both prizes, for getting the.” Have you guys had root canals? They’re a bummer. It’s not that bad. I’ve had, like, nine in the last three weeks, but, like they’re hooked in me. They’re not that bad, they numb your mouth, like I said, so it doesn’t hurt, but this is what they do. They drill into your tooth, I won’t get too graphic, but they drill into your truth, and then they just pull the roots out. They toss ’em or plant ’em. I don’t know what they’re doing with the roots. They collect ’em. Then they do, what they do is they whittle your tooth down, to like a little piece of shit nub, and they glue a fake tooth on top of that, and then they go like this, “We saved it. “We saved your tooth.” I’m like, “Ya did. “Ya saved it. “Ya did, quite a bit of damage right before ya save it. “Most of my tooth is on my glasses right now, but, “you fixed it up new.” It’s like you’re about to get a haircut, and they just shaved your head, and gave you a wig, and they’re like “We fixed it. “It looks a lot better. “It looked ridiculous for a minute there. “That’ll be 1800 for the haircut, and 1200 for the wig. “It’s a package deal.” Then I went to the eye doctor, I got an eye exam. I didn’t get an eye exam for like 10 years. Do you know why I didn’t get an eye exam for 10 years? Because I was basing it off dental prices. I thought I couldn’t afford an eye exam. I was like it cost me $3,500 to fix two teeth, that weren’t even bothering me. What the hell is eyesight gonna cost? $75. That’s how much, that’s how much an eye exam cost, in New York City, 75 bucks. I showed up with $5,000 in my pocket. [audience laughs] I walked in there with all my money, I was like “Just let me see again. “I’ll give you the rest when I have it.” They were like, “That’ll be 75 bucks.” I’m like, “Are you shitting me? “Give me two eye exams. “Double check both eyes. “I’ll pay for that, “I’ll pay for everybody’s eye exams, all day.” I’m like Daddy Warbucks in here. I don’t think eye doctors have any idea, how much dentists are charging out there. They could really up their prices if they wanted to. And I thought, maybe like eye doctor, is like the lowest self esteem doctor. They’re like, “Can you read the bottom line? “It’s fine if you can’t. “I can’t either. “I’m a fucking idiot, I’m stupid, my dad hates me.” You’ll be like, “Geez, are you all right?” How are teeth more expensive than eyes? That’s like unbelievable to me. You have so many more teeth. If you lose a tooth, nobody even notices. If you lose an eye, you have a new nickname, people notice. If you lose an eye, your friends are gonna be like, “Didn’t you used to have multiple eyes? “You did, you had two. “I thought you had two.” Plus teeth there’s other options too. Like if you can’t afford a root canal, they can pull the tooth for you, it takes like three minutes, it’s fairly cheap. They don’t have that at the eye doctor, you know. You’re like “I can’t read the bottom line.” They’re like “Want us to pull that out? “We can toss that thing right away for you. “We’ll give you some gauze and some Vicodin, “don’t eat anything solid for a couple days.” I’m going to therapy. You guys going to therapy out there? Mental and dental. No? Not a big, therapy, in New York too, oi. I love it. I can do it for ya. If you guys wanted to go, maybe you can’t afford it, I can do it for you. I didn’t go to college or anything, but I know how to do therapy. I’ve been going long enough. Whatever you’re dealing with, it’s because of your family. Look no further, than your own family. That’s all therapy is, you complain about your problems, then he says, “It’s your family.” And then you’re like, “Still, great.” Then you give him your money, and then you leave. At first I was skeptical. I was like, “I don’t know.” And then I spent 11 seconds with my family, and I was like, “He nailed it. “These are the worst people I’ve ever met in my life. “I don’t know how I didn’t see this earlier.” My Aunt Betty, she’s a big source of my anxiety. I don’t know if you guys know her at all. She was a babysitter, late ’80s, early ’90s. I have anxiety, that’s like my big issue. I know when my anxiety began, I think it was ’cause of my Aunt Betty. When I was eight years old, this is a true story, my Aunt Betty said this to me. She said, “Joe, my biggest fear.” She told me her biggest fear. I didn’t ask her what her biggest fear was, because, I was eight years old. I did not give a shit about her fears, but, she told me anyway. She said “My biggest fear, “is that when I go to the bathroom, they’ll be a man, “hiding behind the shower curtain waiting to get me.” And I was like, “Well, that’s my biggest fear now, also.” Previously my biggest fear had been wetting my pants but, that’s now the solution, to avoiding my new biggest fear, entering the bathroom at my parents house. My parents are like, “What do you want for your ninth birthday?” I’m like, “How ’bout a urinal, in my bedroom, and, “maybe a firearm, and a new babysitter. “The big three.” That was my big fear when I was a kid, wetting my pants. ‘Cause if you get like frightened or anything, or scared, which I was scared of everything, if you get frightened by something, you can just urinate right in your pants. And then your life is ruined. That’s a weird mind body connection, I never understood. Like your brain is like, “I’m terrified.” And then you’re bladder’s like, “We’ll, go ahead and piss then.” And then your brain’s like “That didn’t help at all.” And your bladder’s like “That’s all we know how to do. “We just wanted to let you know we were helping, hell.” And then your colon’s like “We’re ready to rock also, “if you want us to fire something up.” Fortunately, my Aunt Betty was never attacked by a man, behind the shower curtain. Which is good. I mean it could still happen, she’s still alive. But probably won’t, she lives with her parents, they have a security system set up. She’s always lived with her parents, she’s never moved out, she’s never been married. She had the wrong worst fear. [audience laughs] She should have been praying for a man, behind that shower curtain. She might have been to scooch on out of that house, but. That joke got mean evidently, but she’s an asshole in real life, don’t worry about it. You guys really took her side, that hurt my feelings, goddammit. What about my feelings? I’ll tell you what’s good about therapy, you get a diagnosis, you find out what’s going on, like what’s wrong, you know? Like we’re all fucked up, you know? If you go to therapy you get a diagnosis. Like I have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, which is fun. I like to say I have it. Some people word it differently, some people say this, “I am OCD.” You ever meet those people? Like, “I gotta go wash my hands, I’m OCD.” That triggers my OCD, ’cause I’m like, “You’re not saying it properly.” I guess it sounds normal, ’cause you hear it, so it sound normal. But watch me replace it with something else. “I gotta go wash my hands, I’m genital herpes.” See how that. [audience laughs] Like, I’m sorry, you have. “No, no I am genital herpes. “It’s who I am, call me Gen for short, it’s very serious.” I’m trying to relax more, it’s hard. I got into Buddhism, I’m like a Buddhist sort of, I read a Buddhist book, you know. It wasn’t a book, it was a meme, if I’m being honest with you guys, but, I like to say book, you sound smarter when you say read a book but memes are more, they’re preferable, they’re more succinct, you know. This is what it said, and a good quote, it said, “Let negative thoughts come into your head, “but don’t serve them tea.” Mm. ‘Cause you don’t want your negative thoughts, lingering around, drinking tea. That’s like the analogy I guess. My negative thoughts aren’t drinking tea, mine are doing cocaine. That’s a better analogy. My negative thoughts are like, “Climate change is gonna make the world uninhabitable. “Tomorrow!” Ah fuck. Jesus. I read this, human beings have up to 70,000 thoughts a day. Did you guys know that? I thought it was like nine, I had no idea. 70,000’s too many. I don’t think I have 70,000 thoughts a day, I feel like I have four thoughts a day, they just repeat 70,000 times. My four thoughts are my parent’s gonna die, I’m horny, is that cancer, is this funny? Those are the only four thoughts I ever have in my life. I’ve been traveling a lot. It’s stressful to travel. I went to Israel last year. I don’t know if you guys have been. It’s New York, you probably have. I went to the Dead Sea. That’s like a big attraction in Israel. You guys know about the Dead Sea. Even if you’ve never been, you’re familiar. You can float. That’s like the big attraction to the Dead Sea. You float. I don’t know if you guys know this. Did you know this? You can actually float in any body of water. You do not have to travel to the Middle East if you’d like to float in water. You can do that right here in America. They don’t know that over there. They’re like, “Get in the water, you’ll float.” I’m like, “We have chairs that float. “They have little cup holders. “We do it all summer, it’s terrific. “We’ve got foam noodles. “You can buy them for three bucks.” But I went, I didn’t want to go, but you gotta try new things. That’s very important in life. That’s what they say. I think new things are overrated, honestly, once you get to a certain age. I’m 37, I like chicken parm and missionary sex. That’s all I’m really into. People are like, “What about veal and reverse cowgirl?” I’m like, “Those are inhumane if you asked me, “I don’t think we should.” But I went to the Dead Sea. I had a tour guide, he gave me some fun facts with the Dead Sea. He said, “It’s the lowest body of water on Earth.” I was like, “Oh, that’s neat.” Then he added a second part that I thought was annoying. He said, “It’s actually below sea level.” And I was like, “I don’t know if you’re smarter “than me or dumber than me, but it’s not below sea level. “It is sea level. “It’s the sea. “Whatever the level is, that’s the level. “You can’t be below yourself.” And he’s like, “Actually you can be” and I was like, “Maybe you should below yourself.” I thought that was hilarious. Right off the top of my head, that was pretty good. He didn’t laugh at all. I think something was lost in translation, but I thought it was a good zinger. He said this, he warned me, “When you get the water, “if you have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on your body, “you’re gonna really feel it, “because the salt can get in there. I was like, “I don’t have any cuts or nicks “or abrasions on my body, so I’m not too worried about it.” But then I got in the water and you know what I found out? Your pee hole qualifies as a cut, nick, or abrasion. I had no idea. All these years I’ve been walking around with a cut on the end of my penis or a nick, might be a dick nick, I’m not sure. I got in the water, I was like, “Ah, aah.” Then he was like, “Is your pee hole burning a little bit?” I was like, “You fucking knew about this?” “You gave me that shitty Snapple fact about the sea level, “but failed to mention I might have a burning pee hole. He goes, “It’s normal.” I’m like, “No, it’s not, that’s abnormal. “Normally, I have no burning in my penis while swimming.” He’s like, “You’ll get used to it.” I was like, “I’m not gonna get used to it. “I’m going to get out of the water and go back to America.” I don’t wanna just have a burning dick and be like, “Oh, it’s an acquired taste “after a few minutes, invigorating.” Guys, if you wanna experience the Dead Sea, go home tonight, get a glass of water, fill it with salt, and then just ease down into there. Get a sense of what the Dead Sea’s about. Ladies, it’s harder. It’s hard to dip your vagina in a glass. Vaginas don’t dangle, you know. Some do, but I feel like. I don’t know if it happens with women because I was with a friend of mine, Rachel, she’s a woman. We got out of the water and I was like, “Rachel, my pee hole burns. “Did your vagina burn at all?” She was like, “I only went in knee deep.” I was like, “Oh, me too.” [audience laughs and applauds] Thank you, it was the proudest moment of my comedy career. I went to Ireland last year. I’ve been there a couple of times. That’s a beautiful country. They like to fight there. That’s like a big stereotype, fighting Irish. I don’t like stereotypes, but they nailed that one. I saw so many fights. I saw the biggest fight I’ve ever seen, a big brawl. I was in Dublin. There was two bouncers from a bar fighting this one other guy and I think he was a patron. I don’t know how the fight started. It was already in progress when I got there. They might have been fighting for centuries. It was two on one and the three of them, they just kicked the shit out of each other. Eventually the two guys, they beat up the one guy because they had more arms than he had. That’s a big advantage in a fight. They knocked the guy down. This is what happened, they knocked the guy down, finally, and they didn’t hit him while he was down. They just kind of stood there like, “We’ve won the fight.” I was like, “I respect that.” Because here in America, if you get in a fight and you get a guy down, you kick him until he dies, you know what I mean? “We’re number one, goddammit.” I’m from Boston, maybe you guys aren’t. But he didn’t kick him, he didn’t hit him all. He just kind of stood there and then I was like, “These guys are real gentlemen. “They don’t hit a man when he’s down.” But then, plot twist. The guy who was laying on the ground, his girlfriend came running over and she was like, “You sons of bitches” and one of the guys blasted her right in the face. I was like, “Wow, I seem to have jumped the gun “on my assessment of these fellas. “Not quite as gentlemanly as I first suspected. “Won’t hit a man when he’s down, “will hit a woman when she’s up.” I was like, I better do something, goddammit. I’m a man, I’m an American. I’m gonna take action, so I did, I tweeted. I was like, “I just saw some crazy shit, #blessed, fire it off. Hit them where it hurts. The lady was fine, by the way. She wasn’t injured. I would not make a joke if she was hurt. She was completely fine. I think she might’ve been on meth. I think that because I read there’s a meth problem in Dublin and then when the woman got punched in the face, she went like this, “Ha!” and I was like, “I think that might be one of those “meth people I was reading about.” That seems like a methy reaction to a punch in the face. And by the way, she won the fight. Both guys were like, “Oh, shit, that’s crazy. “Let’s get outta here.” They kind of left and then she was crying and then she kind of hugged her man. He was bleeding in the street. They kind of hugged and for a moment, I got kind of jealous. I was like, “My wife and I never “do fun stuff like this anymore. “That’s really sweet, you know?” Then this part, you’re gonna think I’m making this up, but I swear to God this really happened. The woman, she walked over to the bar, she opened the front door of the bar and she yelled inside. She went, “All we wanted was some chips!” [audience laughs] That’s when I was like, “I really wish I saw the beginning of this fight “because I feel like there has to be more to that story. “There’s no way.” Like that woman was sitting at the bar, she was like, “Can we get some chips right over here?” “Take them outside, beat the shit out of him “and punch her right in the fucking face. “We do not sell chips at this establishment.” The rest of my time in Ireland, I was like, “Can I get some chips? “But if not, no big deal. “I know you’re very particular “about your chip distribution in this country. “I understand you had a famine some time ago. “I don’t want to ’cause any problems.” If you have a wife, we have sex. You guys having sex out there? You like that segue? You know what I like about sex? I like sex because you keep learning. You know what I mean? I’ve been having sex for a number of years, but like sometimes I still feel like it’s a learning experience. Recently my wife and I had sex. She had a cold, but we had sex anyways. She’s a real trooper, you know? In the middle of the sex, she coughed and it ejected my penis out of her body. Did you guys know that happens? Not a little bit, 100% out of her body. It was like, I was like, “Whoa, what?” It was like a magic trick. Evidently, that’s one tube all the way down, ears, nose, throat, vagina. It’s ENTV. I was like, “I gotta get some cough drops or a bigger dick. “Something has to change here.” Ladies, you know you can do that? Next time you’re having sex with your man and he’s not giving it to you the way you like it just give him a good. [coughs] “Don’t come back here with that weak ass shit. “I’ll cough you right out of this relationship.” I was nervous to get back in there. I’m like, “If she sneezes, “I’m gonna be dead on the ceiling over here.” I got back in there, back on the horse as they say, the horse, being my wife in this particular situation. She’s more of a pony, she’s very petite. I got in there, I was literally holding on to that headboard because I was nervous and then she did have to sneeze. I thought she was having an orgasm at first. They sound similar. She’s like, “Huh.” For one second I was like, “I’m fucking hitting it today, yeah.” [audience laughs] Then she sneezed and blew it in my face. I was like, “Oh, that makes more sense.” Then I came and said, “God bless you.” So, that was kind of hot, it was fun. That’s actually a better time to say, “God bless you,” really. Sex is fun, I love it. Sex is different when you’re married, though. I’m a dirty guy. I like to get dirty and weird, you know, like I’m a dirty guy. But when you’re married you can’t get too dirty because you have to segue back into your regular life together. You know what I mean? When you’re single, you can say crazy shit. You could do whatever. You’d can be like, “I can’t ever see this person again, “that was weird.” When you’re married, it’s hard to be like, “Step on my balls and choke me, bitch. And then five minutes later you’re like, “I’ll do the dishes if you vacuum, is that cool? “Sorry about earlier, I don’t know what happened there.” That’s why I go entry level dirty talk, just kind of regular, you know what I mean? The other day we were having sex and I don’t wanna get too graphic out of respect, but she was on top and I went, “Yeah, fuck me.” That’s something, right? Standard. And then she said, “I am.” [audience laughs] I had to be like, “No, I know, I know you are. “It was more of a rhetorical.” Then I tried to cough her off of me. I wanted to see if I could do it to her. Nothing doing, I gotta do some kegels or something. I love my wife, I love her family. She has a sister, we’re buddies. I was hanging out my wife’s sister the other day. You ever sent a text message too quick and you missed a letter or a word and it changes the whole text? We’ve all had that. I had that happen recently. I was hanging out my sister-in-law and my wife texted and she wrote, “How’s things going with my sister?” I wrote back, “Great, she’s a lot of fun, “I wish you were her.” [audience laughs] That’s a bad text. [audience laughs] I meant to write, “I wish you were here,” obviously. I felt bad, I had to call her. I was like, “Hey, I didn’t mean to write that, “I was distracted. “I was trying to fuck your sister, “but I got a little confused “but I wish you were here “so we could all fool around a little, “you know, like in the movies.” It’s weird when you date or marry someone with a sibling because siblings tend to look alike because they have the same parents but you’re not supposed to be attracted to the sibling because it’s inappropriate, but they look alike. You gotta pretend they don’t. You gotta be like, “Baby, you’re the most beautiful woman “I’ve ever seen in the whole world, “but this younger version of you is very off putting to me. “I would never be attracted “to a slightly newer version of you. “That’s gross” [audience laughs] I’m very attracted to my wife. I want her to be attracted to me. I don’t know, it’s hard because when you’re married, you want the person to be attracted to you. I googled things that are sexy to women and you shouldn’t do that. That’s a mistake. I read about 25 articles. I had none of the things in any of the articles, which was a bummer. One thing said making the bed is sexy. I make the bed, but I feel like that’s a bullshit article. That’s just a woman trying to get guys to make her bed, I’m pretty sure. Like someone was like, “Put down making the bed. “Let’s see if they try that.” Her editor’s like, “That’s not really sexy.” She’s like, “I know, but let’s get our beds made, “if nothing else, these guys are idiots.” I don’t picture a woman be like, “Ooh, look at the way he snaps out the wrinkles. “That’s so hot.” Some things I think it should be sexy to women, but they’re not. I don’t understand women. The other day, I was putting my socks on and my foot just ripped right through it. I was like, “Woosh.” I turn to my wife, I’m like, “Eh? [audience laughs] “You wanna bang or what?” She’s like, “What are you talking about? I’m like, “I’m too much man. “That’s what I’m talking about. “My goddamn socks can’t even contain me anymore.” She was like, “No, you idiot, you have a hole in the toe.” I’m like, “All right, whatever it is.” Sometimes it’s confusing what sexy is. My wife and I, one time we were watching Brokeback Mountain together and she got turned on, not by the sex. There is a scene, I don’t know if you saw the movie. I won’t give anything away in case you’ve been waiting 17 years to watch this masterpiece, but we were watching the movie. There’s a scene in the movie where Jake Gyllenhaal’s character, he yells at his father-in-law. He says, “Sit your ass down you old son of a bitch.” It’s like a big scene in the movie and then my wife was like, “Ooh, that was hot.” I was like, “Is that hot? “Should I be yelling at your dad? “Is that a turn on? “That never even crossed my mind. “I wake up every morning, “I do 100 push ups and I make the bed. “I never thought to reprimand your father.” I aim to please, though, you know? We went to visit her parents, her dad’s like, “I’m gonna take my princess out for ice cream.” I was like, “That’s what you think, you fat fuck.” [audience laughs] He was like, “What is wrong with you?” I’m like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with her? “That’s the real question. “You raised this weirdo. “I’m trying to stay sexually relevant. “I would love an ice cream. “But that’s not what she’s into, “so sit down you son of a bitch.” Didn’t turn her on at all, by the way. It turned her mother on. She loved it. She was like, “Yeah, give it to him. “I hate this dip shit.” I think I have a chance with her mother, we’ll see, feels inappropriate. You gotta spice it up, though. We’ve been together a long time, you know? Sex, you gotta mix it up. I’ll tell you what I like. I like shoes in bed, that’s my thing, anybody? I’m talking like high heels, not New Balance or Asics. They gotta be something nice. I like shoes in bed because they don’t belong in bed. It’s like a threesome, like “You shouldn’t be here, “but stick around, I like where this is going, you know?” That’s a sexy look on a woman, by the way, naked with shoes. Not a man. Man, we’re not quite able to pull that look off just yet. If I’m naked wearing shoes, I look like a toddler that ran away from his mother while she was changing him. You ever seen that when someone’s changing the kid and the kid makes a run for it? He’s like, “No.” Tiny dick flipping everywhere. He hides in the curtains. That’s me, you know? I think it’s when a woman is naked wearing shoes, it’s kind of like, she’s like, “I forgot to get dressed.” A man naked with shoes is like, “I forgot to take my medicine. “I don’t know what got into me, I’m sorry.” I like morning sex, that’s my favorite sex, morning sex. First thing, right? [audience member screams] Yeah, there you go. I love it, my wife doesn’t like it. I’m like, “Let’s have some morning sex.” She’s like, “No, I want to start my day.” Yeah, I want to start my day also. That’s what I was referring to. Frankly, it’s a little hurtful that you wouldn’t consider that part of your day. Then she’s just eating cereal. I just got cock blocked by Tony the Tiger. It’s not a great feeling. I think the problem with morning sex, morning breath. That’s the main problem. Morning breath I’m pretty sure is how doggy style sex got invented. There was a couple having sex first thing in the morning and then 30 seconds in the woman’s like, “Let’s try this with my face buried in the pillow. “That’ll be better. “We can still do it, I’ll just lift my genitals to you “and hide my nostrils in the linens. “Thank you for making the bed, by the way. “That’s really nice of you.” Thank you guys very much, that’s it. [audience applauds and cheers] Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Thank you. Take care, thank you everybody. [audience applauds and cheers] Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List. [audience applauds and cheers] Oh, my God, let him hear it everybody, come on. [audience applauds and cheers] [relaxing instrumental music]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-boyish-girl-interrupted-transcript/

(Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goodness. (Chuckles) Wow, thank you. People are like, “Tig!” (audience laughs) “Why are you shooting your special in Boston?” (audience laughs) Woman: Whoo! I’ll tell ya something, my grandfather… was originally from Boston. (Audience cheers) And my mother lived in Boston when she was a tiny, little person. Man: Whoo! And this rug… Hear me out. This rug I am standing on has been in my family since the 1800s and was in my mother’s house in Boston in the ’40s. (audience cheers) Why am I shooting my special… in Boston? I wanted to show you my rug. (audience laughs) Why am I shooting my special in Boston? No more stupid questions. (laughs) Please. I performed in Las Vegas and, um, when you do stand-up in Vegas, typically, you have to do an entire week, seven nights in a row, two shows a night. There’s an early show and a late show, and I bombed all 14… (audience laughs) …shows. And I’m not a huge drinker and I don’t really gamble, so I didn’t know what to do between the early and late show. So the first night I thought I’d hang out in my hotel room, but it was so far away from the venue that I only had enough time to walk back to my room… stand like this for two minutes… and then head back to the Comedy Club. The rest of the time, I thought, “I’ll just sit in the back corner of the club,” hang out between the shows, “and just kill time having a glass of water.” I’m sitting there and my agent calls me to tell me that the venue called him to say that they thought it was weird… (audience laughs) …that I was just sitting in the back corner… and could I please leave and go find something else to do. So, again, I’m sitting there, my phone rings, I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on?” (audience laughs) “Oh. Okay.” So humiliating! It’s not like that call came from some far-off headquarters someplace. That call came from inside the club. I’m certain the guy was looking through a little window staring at me with disgust on his face. Just like, “Ugh, tell her to get out of here.” Yeah, I’m sick of looking at her face.” I still didn’t know where to go or what to do. So I took the escalator down to the first floor and there’s an ice cream shop down there. And I’m an adult. I just… personally, I don’t sit alone in ice cream shops just… (audience laughs) And let me be certain… to not use… the object that is the exact shape… of an ice cream cone. (Audience laughing) So I finished my ice cream cone, I took the escalator back up, I did the final show, and, of course, I bombed. I got offstage. I shook hands with the audience members. And they were just like… “We hate you.” I was like, “Feeling is mutual.” I said goodbye to the other comedians. They hated me, too. Then I went into the office and got paid. Then I walked all the way back to my hotel room. I put my pajamas on. I had little pigs flying all over my pants. I looked so adorable. It was like my one tiny victory for the whole week. And then I went into the bathroom to brush my tooth. And that’s when I caught my reflection in the mirror and saw that I had a full-blown chocolate mustache on my face. I was like, “No!” My brain starts replaying everything that had just happened to me. I was onstage for an entire hour… bombing… with a chocolate mustache on my face. And then remember all up close and personal, I was… Not one person… was like, “Oh.” You have…” “You…” Uh-uh, nobody told me. And then I went into the office to get paid… by the guy that I am certain made that original phone call telling me to please leave and go find something else to do. Guess who found something else to do? Woman: Whoo! Me. I did. I went and treated myself to a little chocolate ice cream. What is my problem? I am six years from 50. Can I not just glance in the mirror before I go onstage? What is my to-do list every night? Belly full of ice cream. Check. Head onstage. (audience laughs) What did the owner of the club think as I sat there across the desk in a tiny office with a chocolate mustache on my face? A grown woman… wanting to get paid for 14 bombed shows. Holding out my little paw. Did he think that I just grabbed an ice cream cone out of the hand of a small child, slammed it in my own face, hopped back up onstage? Not so funny anymore, is it, Vegas? I’m nuts. Or did he think that I was trying to disguise myself… with a fake mustache, trying to sneak back into the venue he had kicked me out of? Sorry, this bit goes as long as whatever stage I’m on. (Whistling) Oh, great, there’s stairs. (Groans) Guys, relax! Relax, I’m just a person. What if somebody walked into the show right now… and they didn’t recognize me? “I thought Tig was supposed to be taping her special.” Where did she go? “Where’s Tig?” Guys, it’s me. It’s me. It’s me. Uh, where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Let me see your little belly. Where did Tig go? Oh, there I am. Oh, you guys are dumb. Oh, my gosh. As a comedian, people always ask me what makes me laugh really hard. And, um, I was making a video one time. Just like a funny sketch with a friend of mine where at the end he ends up in a bathtub with Santa Claus. And there are websites that you can go on and find your perfect, ideal Santa, click on him, hire him for all your Santa Claus needs. We could not find the perfect Santa Claus. And he said, “Do you mind if we take a break” and go to McDonald’s so I can get a couple hamburgers? “And then we’ll come back.” And I said, “Man, whatever you need.” We go through the drive-thru, he gets his hamburgers. He said, “I cannot wait to eat these.” Do you mind if we just sit here “and I eat ’em and then we go back?” I said again, “Whatever you need.” So he backs his car into this space and we’re now looking out over the entire McDonald’s parking lot and I see this woman off in the distance acting utterly insane. And I said, “What do you think she’s doing?” And he said, “I don’t know, but I’m gonna film her.” He gets his phone out, he presses record, and you guys are me and him in the car looking through the windshield. The second he pressed record, a boat of a car drove past us and a man turned and it was Santa Claus. And I yelled, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And he yelled, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then he shut off the phone, we peel out and just haul ass chasing Santa Claus down the street. And we come up next to him at the light and I realize in that moment I hadn’t thought about what I was gonna say when we caught him. And I said, “Hi.” Um, you know who you look like, right?” And he said, “Santa Claus.” And I said, “Yes.” I said, “My friend and I are making a video” and we wanted to hire you to be in it.” He hands me his business card and as he’s driving off I look at it and it said his name at some very conservative church dot-org. And I said, “Oh, man.” This guy is not gonna get into a bathtub with you.” Or maybe he will. So we drive off feeling defeated and then I start thinking about that video from earlier. And I started laughing. And I asked him to pull the car over to play it back for us and he said, “Why?” And I said, “Because I feel confident” that we captured the most ridiculous footage “since the beginning of time.” And then he started thinking about it and then we were both hunched over laughing so hard, hyperventilating, crying, trying to push each other away from each other. We were laughing so hard, we both became ugly people. And we still hadn’t even seen the video yet. And then he pulls the car over and he presses play and you don’t see that woman off in the distance. It’s like she was never a part of this. The second he pressed play, the only thing that you see… is a boat of a car driving past us and a man turning… and you hear me earnestly… yell, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And you see my hand just dart up into the video. And then you hear my friend, a full-grown man, yell, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then it just shuts out. If anybody came across that video footage with zero backstory, it truly appears as though two full-grown buffoons… thought that they saw Santa Claus. And what is my friend’s history with Santa Claus… that his response… would be, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” Just an entire lifetime of him running up to Santa only to be met with… But Santa… I love everybody’s little laugh noises. My favorite laugh noise is, um, the sigh after the laugh. The… (sighs) (laughs) (sighs) ‘Cause it’s like you’re reminiscing about one second ago. (laughs) (sighs) Remember one second ago? (Sighs) Yeah, that was a good time. Yeah. My other favorite laugh noise is the pig snort. You know, when somebody is just really enjoying themselves. And then… (snorts) Because I’m always curious, is that something they decided to do? Like a calculated decision. Or are they just as surprised as we are… when a pig snort flies out of their face? I like to think it’s the other option where they’re just like, “You know what?” I have been laughing… and smiling… and clapping all night, but I still feel like she doesn’t get… how much I get her. Think I’m gonna go ahead and snort like a pig. Yeah, this, uh… This story she’s telling, this is actually one of my favorites I was telling… “Oh, hold on one second.” (snorts) “Love your stuff.” (snorts) My dream situation is actually the… At the end of the night when the lights go on that there is an actual pig in the audience. Just out on the town, pantless, clanking its little cloven hooves together. Sitting on its little curlicue. Comes up to me at the end of the night, “Hey, um, that was me.” I, uh… I can’t laugh, so I snort. Sure, I can talk… but I wanted to say I really liked that part earlier when you were talking about having little pigs on your pants. Anyway, I don’t wanna keep you, I just… I really just wanted to say… I just wanted to say pig fan, pig fan. Boston, that’s a terrible joke. I’m sorry. (laughs) Sorry, I’m just up here being a ham and I… I’m sor… That’s too much, you’re right. (chuckles) Too many puns eventually becomes a “boar” and I don’t wanna… Don’t shake your head at me. I will reimburse you. I am sorry. I’m originally from Mississippi. Man: Whoo! Um… (audience laughs) Settle down, everyone. I’m originally from Mississippi and, um, my fiancée is, um… (audience cheering) Thank you. Um… He is from… (audience laughs) Okay. She was raised in Los Angeles and New York and I invited her back to Mississippi to spend the holidays with me and my extended family. And before the trip, she said, um, “No offense, but…” And I said, “Yes, what is this flattering thing you’re about to say?” She said, “When I picture people from Mississippi”, I picture them barefoot.” Thank you. And I said, “Okay, I get it, but, um,” my family is civilized. They have homes and jobs and shoes, “but I hear ya.” So I was down there hanging out before she arrived, and when you fly in to visit my town, you fly in to the New Orleans airport. And all 11 of my family members piled into a van to drive into the French Quarter to hang out, wait until she arrived. And I finally was like, “Oh, yeah, she’s gonna be landing soon.” We gotta go.” All 11 of them piled back into the van with their beers… I don’t know if you know, but it is legal down there to have open containers in vehicles. They all get in. They also brought a cooler iced down with extra beer just for the drive to the airport. I offered to be the sober driver, not that anybody in my family cared either way. They were just like, “Okay, nerd.” So we pull up curbside at baggage claim and I get out and say, “I will be right back.” I go in, I find her. We’re walking out chatting. She looks up… and she said, “Is that your family?” I look up and all 11 of them have gotten out of the van. They’re smoking and drinking, they’re waving wildly, so excited to meet her. They’ve pulled the cooler out onto the sidewalk. And they were barefoot. After walking around the French Quarter all day, they took their shoes off on the drive to get her. So there I was… having to say, “Yes,” that is my civilized family… that I told you about. “There they are in all of their glory.” So we have the holidays, Christmas, whatever, she and I are driving out of town together and, uh, I asked her if, uh… A couple years ago my mother passed away and we buried her in our hometown in Mississippi and I asked if we could go visit her grave. And she said of course. And just to back up a little more, when my stepfather and I were driving away from the funeral, he told me, “When your mother died,” they were offering a really good deal on burial plots. I ended up getting six “for a thousand dollars.” He said, “I got one for your mother,” I got one for me, I got one for you, I got one for your brother, “and then I got two extras.” Man: Whoo! I said, “That is serious bargain shopping” just to toss in two extra burial plots.” And he said, “Well, I thought I would get those” in case you or your brother, if you had partners one day.” And I said, “Oh, well, thank you, but still…” So my girlfriend and I pull up to the graveyard, we get out of the car… we walk over, we’re standing there. She’s looking around. She said, “This is really beautiful.” She said, “So is it just… Is it just this right here?” And I said, “Well…” (exhales) “That’s the thing, um…” When my mother died, they were offering a really good deal. Six plots for a thousand dollars. So my stepfather… my mother, she’s just buried right here, but he got hers, and then one for him, he got one for me, he got one for my brother. And then, um… He got two extras… in case we had partners. So, um… I guess, um… I guess that’s where you’ll be gay buried. Barefoot in Mississippi, “just like you always imagined.” She thought it was some twisted marriage proposal. After my mother passed away, I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, um, but I have not told anybody yet. (Audience laughs) You’re the first people to find out. Wow, that’s a very cold response. (Sighs) I ended up having a double mastectomy, and, um, before my surgery, I was already relatively flat-chested. And, uh, I made so many jokes over the years about how small my boobs were that I started to think that maybe my boobs overheard me… and were just like, “Pfft.” You know what? We’re sick of this. “Let’s kill her.” I’m always thrown off by the clapping. Whoo, take her down! I did a show where this woman sat front row with her arms crossed shaking her head at me. And I said, “Is there something wrong?” And she said, “You should end your jokes with ‘I’m just kidding.'” Oh, right, right. I don’t know why I never thought about that. That is a great idea. I’m just kidding. I’m not kid… I really did have cancer, I just… I don’t really think that my boobs were conspiring to kill me. That I’m kidding about. (Sighs) Yeah. Oh, we remember. Before I had my double mastectomy, I, um… I would sometimes be mistaken for a man. And, um, that’s fine. But then after the surgery, it went up a bit. I was going through security at the airport and, um… they said, “Female assist,” which means they have to have a female officer pat me down extra. And so this woman comes over and she comes in, just… And I didn’t have reconstructive surgery. I just… She was like… (audience laughs) She didn’t feel a boob or… a bra or anything. And she said, “Hold on a second.” And she walked only maybe this far away. And she whispered something to the other officer. And I just heard him say, “Yes, I’m positive.” (audience laughs) So she comes back over and she’s like… But this time she stopped before she touched me and she looked up… at my face… She really took it in. But apparently, that was not helpful at all. And she said, “Hold on a second.” (audience laughing) She walks back over and whispers something again to the officer and he just says, “Yes.” And the thing is, I knew exactly what was happening and I knew that all I needed to do was speak… and then she would know that I was female. But I just did not wanna help her out… (audience laughing) Man: Whoo! (audience cheering) …at all. I was enjoying the awkwardness so much. I just loved standing there like… She finally came back over and said, “You’re good.” And I walked off saying, (imitates deep voice) “Uh, thank you. Thank you very much.” Oh, my gosh, you guys are so nice. I, um… have really been s… (audience catcalls) Do not tempt me. (audience laughs) I will do it. I will… I will… (audience cheering) Guys… guys, no. (Audience cheering) Of course I’m not gonna take my shirt off on my sp… (audience groans, cheers) (man whistling) No. (Audience cheering) Woman: Whoo! So… (man whistling) I’ll tell you, I, uh… I am afraid to fly and I… I am. Sure, laugh all you want, but I… I’m very afraid to fly and I went on a plane that seated maybe only six people. And you c… It was so tiny that you could only kind of crouch to get through the plane. And, um… oh, my God, it was so small. And once we got to our cruising altitude, we’re flying along and the pilot, who’s just sitting right there, he’s just like, “Hey, how’s it going?” And, um… (laughs) You do your thing, I’ll do mine. He gets out of his seat and just is like, “Let me show you where the emergency toilet is.” And I said, “I’ll decide where the emergency toilet is.” (audience laughing) “How about here? How about this is the emergency toilet?” Or how about right here? This could be the emergency toilet. How about anywhere I decide is the emergency toilet? This entire flight feels like an emergency. Just one huge emergency toilet flying through the air. Now go sit back down, you joker. “Don’t you worry about the emergency toilet.” I love on, um, commercial flights when, um, you’re seated in the emergency exit row and the flight attendant’s like, “You know, just wondering” if in the event of an emergency, “you’d be willing to help out.” And I’m like, “Pfft…” Totally. If you need anything, you come grab me. But I was just wondering if maybe we could wait and see what kind of shape I’m in after the plane plummets 30,000 feet. ‘Cause I don’t even know if I’m gonna be sitting here anymore. “But absolutely, you come grab me if you need anything.” Are they really gonna hold me to that? Where’s that woman from 12 E? Where’s that guy from 12 E? Nah, he said he’d help us out. I’m just off in the distance gathering my own body parts. Did somebody need something? I did give a verbal confirmation, so… Carrying my own head in my hand. Yeah, just let me know what I can do for ya. Oh, man, flying, huh? (Audience cheering) I’ve been traveling around so much and, um, I’ve noticed in the States… I haven’t really noticed it so much overseas anywhere, but in the US I’ve noticed these signs showing up at public pools. And, um, I’m sure plenty of you have seen these, and they say that you cannot go swimming if you have diarrhea. Raise your hand if you’ve seen these signs. Yes, these are actual signs. And my question is how frequently was this happening? But, more importantly, how confident of a person do you have to be… to be like, “Oh, man.” Oh, man.” (exhales) “I do not feel well.” Doctor said I should definitely stay home. Stick near the toilet. “But you know what?” (audience laughs) “I’m gonna head down to the public pool.” Go swim around. “With full blown diarrhea.” They’re just like, “Hey! Out of the pool!” Me? Yeah, you can’t swim with diarrhea. Oh, so this is a problem? Yeah, gotta get out of the pool. Listen… if you don’t want me swimming with diarrhea, then you’re gonna need to hang up a sign. Otherwise, there’s just no possible way… (chuckles) I would know better. So until that goes… Thank you so much. No, no, no, no. I’m not… I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving. I have a weird delivery. It… (audience laughing) I’ve had it my whole life, my whole career. Sounds like I’m leaving, but I’m just saying thank you. It’s kind of like you guys really got that, thanks! (Sighs) I have a gift for you all. Uh, something that brings me a lot of joy in my life. I wanna give it to you so that you can experience the happiness that I do. I love… sending text messages to friends of mine at random times of the day that just say, “What’s your ETA?” I just love knowing that somewhere across town somebody is half-naked frantically rifling through emails and text messages trying to figure out what they agreed to do with me. And they write back, “What?” And then write back, “Yeah, we’re all seated. Better hurry.” And then they write back, “Where?” And then don’t respond. Ever again. Cut them out of your life. Delete them from your phone. Just move on. It was time. It was time and you both knew it. Thank you! (audience laughs) Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. (Sighs) I’ve been doing stand-up for almost 20 years now and… every show I’ve ever done… whether it was a coffee shop, an open mic, a sold-out theater, a college, a club, every single show I’ve ever done, I’ve gotten a standing ovation. (audience laughing) Oh, sure, laugh all you want. Even in Vegas I got 14 standing ovations. You might be thinking, “I had a good time tonight, but not like… not ‘standing ovation’ good time.” Everybody thinks that. Everybody thinks that and then sure enough, the show ends and everyone jumps to their feet and they’re yelling, “Tig!” We love you! “This is the best comedy show we’ve ever seen in our lives.” And I’m just like, “I’m just a person. Please be seated.” And they won’t. And that goes on for three minutes every single time. So I’m just giving you a heads up what’s to come. (Audience laughing) I love music. (Audience laughing) I’ve never detected a punch line there. Maybe I should listen more. (Man laughing loudly) Sounded like a cartoon character showed up. (Imitates laughing) I like your style, ha, ha, ha! That was funny, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I can barely take this, I’m laughing so hard. Ha, ha, ha! That’s all I wanted, to laugh. I do… I do love music and, um, I would constantly write down all the lyrics to every Beatles song. Like put the record on, take the needle off, and write the lyrics down, put the needle back on. Just every song. Obsessed. And my grandmother ended up having Alzheimer’s and she collected anything that we touched growing up. And towards the end of her life when I was an adult, she called me into her bedroom. And she pulled out this box and this paper. She said, “You wrote this for me “when you were little.” (audience laughing) And it was “When I’m 64.” And I had to sit there and take credit… for a Lennon and McCartney tune. I was like, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that one.” (chuckles) “You like that, huh?” If so, I have a huge catalogue of other… “Other songs I think you might like.” In sixth grade, I took a music class and, um, we were lectured about anywhere from The Who to Beethoven. We played instruments, we read books. And at the end of every session, the teacher would always ask if somebody had a favorite song they wanted to play. And I always brought in Beatles and Rolling Stones songs. And one day, the coolest kid in the entire school… His name was J.D… And he came… (audience chuckles) Oh, that’s funny to you? That is a child’s name. A child that is 44 now, but it’s still a child’s name. What is your name? Chris. Chris. The coolest kid in the entire school… (audience laughing) …was named Chris. How does that feel? Doesn’t feel good, does it, Chris? No. J.D. came up to me after class and he said, “If I bring in” one of my dad’s Rolling Stones records, “will you tell me the coolest song on the album to play?” And I said, “Pfft…” No question.” The next day, J.D. brought in his dad’s Rolling Stones album “Let It Bleed.” And I looked it over… and I picked this song and said, “This is the coolest song on the album.” And it was “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” And he said, “Are you positive” that this is the best song, “the coolest song on the album?” I was like, “Man, I couldn’t be more positive.” And then the teacher asked if anyone had brought in their favorite song to play. And J.D. raised his hand and she called on him. And that’s when everybody in sixth grade heard the coolest kid in the entire school play this. ♪ I saw her today at the reception ♪ J.D. was like, “What the hell is this?” (audience laughing) And I was like, “No, no, it gets better.” ♪ I knew she would meet her connection ♪ ♪ At her feet was a footloose man ♪ ♪ No, you can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ But if you try sometime ♪ ♪ You’ll find ♪ ♪ You can get what you need… ♪ And then the bell rang. (audience laughing) Boston, thank you so much. (audience cheering) You’re such a great audience. What? I told you. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. Touch me. I’m just a person. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. No, I’m just a person. Touch me. Thank you so much, really. Just two more minutes. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. That person said, “I know, I know.” (audience laughs) What do you mean, “you know”? “I know.” Nobody’s shaking their fist. Boston. Settle down. I’m just a person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. (Music playing) (music ends)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-inside-transcript/

Exploring mental health decline over 2020, the constant challenges our world faces, and the struggles of life itself, Bo Burnham creates a wonderful masterpiece to explain each of these, both from general view and personal experience. * * * ♪ If you’d have told me ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ That I’d be locked inside of my home ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I would have told you ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ Interesting, now leave me alone ♪ ♪ Sorry that I look like a mess ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I booked a haircut But it got rescheduled ♪ ♪ Robert’s been a little depressed ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ And so today I’m gonna try just ♪ ♪ Getting up, sitting down ♪ ♪ Going back to work ♪ ♪ Might not help But still it couldn’t hurt ♪ ♪ I’m sitting down, writing jokes ♪ ♪ Singing silly songs ♪ ♪ I’m sorry I was gone ♪ ♪ But look, I made you some content ♪ ♪ Daddy made you your favorite Open wide ♪ ♪ Here comes the content ♪ ♪ It’s a beautiful day ♪ ♪ To stay inside ♪ Camera test. ♪ The world is changing ♪ ♪ The planet’s heating up ♪ ♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ Rearranging ♪ ♪ It’s like everything Happened all at once ♪ ♪ Um, what the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ The people rising in the streets ♪ ♪ The war, the drought ♪ ♪ The more I look ♪ ♪ The more I see nothing to joke about ♪ ♪ Is comedy over? ♪ ♪ Should I leave you alone? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause really who’s gonna go for ♪ ♪ Joking at a time like this? ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ I wanna help to leave this world ♪ ♪ Better than I found it ♪ ♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪ ♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪ ♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪ ♪ Should I give away my money? ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ What do I do? ♪ [in ethereal voice] ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ The indescribable power of your comedy ♪ ♪ The world needs direction ♪ ♪ From a white guy like me ♪ ♪ [in deep voice] Bingo ♪ ♪ Who is healing the world with comedy ♪ That’s it. [inspirational music playing] The world is so fucked up. Systematic oppression. Income inequality. The other stuff. And there’s only one thing that I can do about it, while… while being paid, and being the center of attention. ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ A Jew walks into a bar ♪ ♪ And I’ve saved him a seat ♪ ♪ That’s healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ I’m a special kind of white guy ♪ ♪ I self-reflected And I want to be an agent of change ♪ ♪ So I am gonna use my privilege For the good ♪ ♪ Very cool, way to go! ♪ ♪ American white guys ♪ ♪ We’ve had the floor For at least 400 years ♪ ♪ So maybe I should just Shut the fuck up… ♪ I’m bored. ♪ I don’t wanna do that ♪ ♪ There’s gotta be another way ♪ ♪ Yes ♪ ♪ For me to help out Without standing on the sidelines ♪ ♪ Never ♪ ♪ The wait is over ♪ ♪ I’m white And I’m here to save the day ♪ ♪ Lord help me channel Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side ♪ ♪ Sandra Bullock! ♪ ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ And yes, most likely they’ll pay me ♪ ♪ But I’d do it for free ♪ ♪ I am healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ Don’t panic ♪ ♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪ ♪ Don’t panic ♪ ♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ If you start to smell burning toast ♪ ♪ You’re having a stroke Or overcooking your toast ♪ ♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪ ♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ Somebody help me out ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t know ♪ ♪ And I want to help to leave this world ♪ ♪ Better than I found it ♪ ♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪ ♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪ ♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪ ♪ Should I give away my money? ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ I know what I gotta do ♪ ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ I swore I’d never be back ♪ ♪ But now I’m back on my feet ♪ ♪ And I’m healing the world with comedy ♪ [birds chirping] Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward (2019) – Transcript Hi. Welcome to, uh, whatever this is. Um, I’ve been working for the last couple months, um, testing this camera, and testing lights, and writing, and I’ve decided to, uh, try to make a new special. For real. Um, it’s not gonna be a normal special because there’s no audience, and there’s no crew. It’s just me and my camera, and you and your screen. Uh, the way that… that our Lord intended. Um… And the whole special will be… will be filmed in this, uh, room. And instead of being filmed in a single night, it will be filmed in uh, however long it takes to finish. I hope you, uh, enjoy it. I… I hope this special can maybe do for you what it’s done for me these last couple months, which is, uh, to distract me from wanting to put a bullet into my head with a gun. So… Yeah, thank you. And a warning. Um, I can already sort of tell that this special is going to be a little all over the place, so don’t expect incredibly smooth transiti– [electronic music playing] ♪ Pour me a drink and clear my schedule ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ These 40 minutes are essential ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ I call, she answers And her hair is wet ♪ ♪ Hair is wet ♪ ♪ I say, “Did you just shower?” ♪ She says, “How’d you guess?” ♪ ♪ I say, “Your hair is wet” She says, “Oh yeah” ♪ ♪ I tell my boys I need some space, yeah ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ She’ll hold her iPhone 5 No further than six inches from her face ♪ ♪ Yeah, I’mma FaceTime With my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ She says, “Oh, look who’s here” ♪ ♪ Say hi to Dad ♪ ♪ Hi to Dad ♪ ♪ He says, “How ya doing, bud?” ♪ I say, “I’m not so bad” ♪ ♪ And that’s the deepest talk We’ve ever had ♪ ♪ Watching as she looks for her glasses ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ She’ll tell me all about ♪ ♪ The season six finale of The Blacklist ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ Hey, kids. Today, we’re gonna learn about the world. ♪ The world that’s around us ♪ ♪ Is pretty amazing ♪ ♪ But how does it work? ♪ ♪ It must be complicated ♪ ♪ The secret is the world can only work ♪ ♪ When everything works together ♪ ♪ A bee drinks from a flower ♪ ♪ And leaves with its pollen ♪ ♪ A squirrel in a tree Spreads the seeds that have fallen ♪ ♪ Everything works together ♪ ♪ The biggest elephant, the littlest fly ♪ ♪ The gophers underground The birds in the sky ♪ ♪ And every single cricket Every fish in the sea ♪ ♪ Gives what they can And gets what they need ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ From A to Zebra To the worms in the dirt ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ Hey, everyone. Look who stopped by to say hello. It’s Socko. Hey! Where you been, Socko? I’ve been where I always am when you’re not wearing me on your hand. In a frightening, liminal space between states of being. Not quite dead, not quite alive. It’s similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis. Socko, we were just talking about the world and how it works. Boy, that sounds complicated. Do you have anything you’d want to teach us about the world? I wouldn’t say anything that you probably haven’t already said yourself. I don’t know about that, Socko. How about you give it a try? All right. ♪ The simple narrative taught In every history class ♪ ♪ Is demonstrably false And pedagogically classist ♪ ♪ Don’t you know The world is built with blood ♪ ♪ And genocide and exploitation ♪ ♪ The global network of capital Essentially functions ♪ ♪ To separate the worker From the means of production ♪ ♪ And the FBI killed Martin Luther King ♪ ♪ Private property’s inherently theft ♪ ♪ And neoliberal fascists Are destroying the left ♪ ♪ And every politician ♪ ♪ Every cop on the street ♪ ♪ Protects the interests Of the pedophilic corporate elite ♪ ♪ That is how the world works… ♪ Really? ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ Genocide The Natives say you got to it first ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ That’s pretty intense. No shit. What can I do to help? Read a book or something. I don’t know. Just don’t burden me with the responsibility of educating you. It’s incredibly exhausting. I’m sorry, Socko. I was just trying to become a better person. Why do you rich fucking white people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization? This isn’t about you. So either get with it, or get out of the fucking way. Watch your mouth, buddy. Remember who’s on whose hand here. But that’s what I– Have you not been fucking listening? We are entrenched in– All right. Wait! No, please! I don’t want to go back. I can’t go… I can’t go back. Please. Please. I’m sorry. Are you gonna behave yourself? Yes. Yes, what? Yes, sir. Look at me. Yes, sir. That’s better. ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ I hope you learned your lesson ♪ ♪ I did and it hurt! ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ No! Hello, my name is Bo Burnham. And I am a former comedian, turned social brand consultant. It’s a very exciting time to be a, uh, brand. It’s also a bit of a scary time because customers expect a lot more from their brands than they did in the past. During this incredibly necessary and overdue social reckoning that we’re having in our culture, it is no longer acceptable for brands to stay out of the conversation. Consumers want to know, “Are you willing to use your brand awareness to effect positive social change?” Which will create more brand awareness. The question I ask the brands I work with is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is… “Are you gonna be on the right side of history?” The question isn’t, “What are you selling?” Or… or “What service are you providing?” The question is, “What do you stand for?” Who are you, Bagel Bites? All these big companies, they’re so scared of all this social change, and I come in and I put their fears to rest. You know, I tell them, “Just be honest.Tell your customers that… that JPMorgan is against racism.” In theory. The question is no longer, “Do you want to buy Wheat Thins?” For example. The question is now, “Will you support Wheat Thins in the fight against Lyme disease?” There’s no sugarcoating it. The world is… fucked up. And you’ve got a choice as a brand. You can… hide and bury your head in the sand and hope it fixes itself, or you can roll up your sleeves and get to work, and sell Butterfingers. ♪ An open window ♪ ♪ A novel ♪ ♪ A couple holding hands ♪ ♪ An avocado ♪ ♪ A poem ♪ ♪ Written in the sand ♪ ♪ Fresh fallen snow on the ground ♪ ♪ A golden retriever in a flower crown ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ Latte foam art ♪ ♪ Tiny pumpkins ♪ ♪ Fuzzy, comfy socks ♪ ♪ Coffee table made out of driftwood ♪ ♪ A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg ♪ ♪ A needlepoint of a fox ♪ ♪ Some random quote From Lord of the Rings ♪ ♪ Incorrectly attributed To Martin Luther King ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or am I looking at a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ Her favorite photo of her mom ♪ ♪ The caption says ♪ ♪ I can’t believe it ♪ ♪ It’s been a decade Since you’ve been gone ♪ ♪ Momma, I miss you ♪ ♪ I miss sitting with you In the front yard ♪ ♪ Still figuring out How to keep living without you ♪ ♪ It’s got a little better But it’s still hard ♪ ♪ Momma, I got a job I love And my own apartment ♪ ♪ Momma, I got a boyfriend And I’m crazy about him ♪ ♪ Your little girl didn’t do too bad ♪ ♪ Momma, I love you Give a hug and kiss to Dad ♪ ♪ A goat-cheese salad ♪ ♪ A backlit hammock ♪ ♪ A simple glass of wine ♪ ♪ Incredibly derivative Political street art ♪ ♪ A dreamcatcher Bought from Urban Outfitters ♪ ♪ A vintage neon sign ♪ ♪ Three little words, a couple of doves ♪ ♪ And a ring on her finger From the person that she loves ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ Here’s a question for you guys. Um… Is it… is it necessary? Is it necessary that every single person on this planet um, expresses every single opinion that they have on every single thing that occurs all at the same time? Is that… is that necessary? Um… Or to ask in a slightly different way, um, can… can anyone shut the fuck up? Can… can anyone, any… any… any one, any single one, can any one… shut the fuck up about anything– About any… any single thing? Can any single person shut the fuck up about any single thing for an hour? You know, is that… is that possible? And I know you’re thinking, “You’re not shutting the fuck up right now,” and that’s true, but… ♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run ♪ ♪ I’m writing down the orders now For everyone ♪ ♪ The coffee is free, just like me ♪ ♪ I’m an unpaid intern ♪ ♪ Sorting papers, running around ♪ ♪ Sitting in the meeting I’m not making a sound ♪ ♪ Barely people, somehow legal ♪ ♪ Unpaid intern ♪ ♪ You work all day, go back to your dorm ♪ ♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just torrent a porn ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re an intern ♪ ♪ Unpaid ♪ Hey, everybody. Um, I thought I’d do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform. Thought that might be fun. Um, so I got my laptop all set up. So I’m ready to go, and let’s go. ♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run… ♪ I like this song. Um, so the idea with this song was basically that there’s so many songs in the past about… about working-class jobs, but not a lot about the labor exploitation of the modern world, so that was the idea here. ♪ Barely people, somehow legal… ♪ My beard is a little shorter in this video ’cause I filmed it a couple weeks ago. ♪ Go back to your dorm ♪ ♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just… ♪ I think it holds up. The song, not the beard. ♪ Unpaid ♪ And then you cut. I think it’s funny to cut right on– …do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform. Thought that might be fun. What… Um, so I got my… Because this video played after that. Right. So, and now… Right. Okay, so I’ll just keep reacting. So, this is me reacting to the song. Um… What I’m doing is I’m explaining what the song means. Um, and what it’s about. I’m being a little pretentious. It’s, uh… it’s an instinct I have where I need everything that I write to have some deeper meaning or something. But it’s a stupid song, and, uh, it doesn’t really mean anything, and, uh, it’s… it’s pretty unlikable that I… that I feel this need, this desperate need, to be seen as intelligent. And the video’s ending here, as you can see, and look, I’m very confused. See, I’m very, very confused. ‘Cause I’m staring at myself, I don’t know what I’m looking at, and I’m starting to catch up now, and realizing what’s going on. And, uh, yeah, now I’m deciding to react to the reaction to the video. So here, um, I’m reacting to my own reacting, and I’m criticizing my initial reaction for… for being pretentious, which is… which is honestly, it’s a… it’s a defense mechanism. I’m… I’m so worried that criticism will be levied against me that I levy it against myself before anyone else can. And I think that, “Oh, if I’m self-aware about being a douchebag, it’ll somehow make me less of a douchebag.” But it… but it doesn’t. Um, self-awareness does not absolve anybody of anything. Am I balding? This is really, really disturbing. I don’t like looking at myself like this, and I want… I want this to stop. Okay, I want this to stop. I’m… I’m stopping this. So, yeah, that was, uh, my reaction to the song, and I hope you enjoyed it. ♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪ ♪ Born in 1964 ♪ ♪ Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪ ♪ Born in 1964 ♪ ♪ Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it ♪ ♪ Pave the way, put your back into it ♪ ♪ Tell us why Show us how ♪ ♪ Look at where you came from Look at you now ♪ ♪ Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet ♪ ♪ Amateurs can fucking suck it ♪ ♪ Fuck their wives, drink their blood ♪ ♪ Come on, Jeff, get ’em! ♪ I don’t know about you guys, but, um, you know, I’ve been thinking recently that… that you know, maybe, um, allowing giant digital media corporations to exploit the neurochemical drama of our children for profit… You know, maybe that was, uh… a bad call by us. Maybe… maybe the… the flattening of the entire subjective human experience into a… lifeless exchange of value that benefits nobody, except for, um, you know, a handful of bug-eyed salamanders in Silicon Valley… Maybe that as a… as a way of life forever… maybe that’s, um, not good. I’m… horny. Sexting ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ I am in bed ♪ ♪ I am ready to go with you ♪ ♪ Tonight I’m thinking of taking it slow ♪ ♪ We’ll use emojis only ♪ ♪ We don’t need phonetical diction ♪ ♪ We’ll talk dirty Like we’re ancient Egyptians ♪ ♪ You send me a peach ♪ ♪ I send a carrot back ♪ ♪ You send a Ferris wheel ♪ ♪ That’s pretty abstract ♪ ♪ I send back a ticket stub ♪ ♪ Implying that The Ferris wheel’s your body ♪ ♪ And I’d really love admission to it ♪ ♪ Oh no! ♪ ♪ What if now you think That I’m implying ♪ ♪ Your vagina Is as big as a Ferris wheel? ♪ ♪ Damn ♪ ♪ You send back a snowman ♪ ♪ Crisis averted ♪ ♪ Thank God ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ No more emojis, now it’s on to words ♪ ♪ I ask what you’re wearing You reply, “A shirt” ♪ ♪ You say, “Are you naked?” ♪ ♪ I say, “Yeah, except for a top hat” ♪ ♪ You say, “”lmao.” But I doubt that ♪ I’m getting hot at just the thought Of what I’d do to you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause in my head I’m in your bed And getting through to you ♪ ♪ They made the Internet For nights like these ♪ ♪ I love you, baby Send a picture of your tits, please ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ We are sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ You send the pic And say it’s now my turn ♪ ♪ Jesus fucking Christ I guess I never learn ♪ ♪ My phone’s flash is my only light ♪ ♪ And the flash Makes my dick look frightened ♪ ♪ I chicken out And send a picture of my face instead ♪ ♪ Because my dick looks like The baby from Eraserhead ♪ ♪ You say, “I sent my titties That’s not fair” ♪ ♪ So I send it to you And then my phone dies ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick ♪ ♪ And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Pussy ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Titties ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Balls ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ Hey, everybody. Um, I just wanted to make a really quick video to say thank you. Thank you for watching my content. As you guys know, I work really hard to try to bring you guys high-quality content that I think you’ll enjoy. So the fact that you are enjoying it, means everything to me. So thank you, and also keep watching, ’cause there’s a lot more content where that came from. All right, guys, see you later. ♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪ I took a big fucking breath. ♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪ ♪ Being in Trying to get something out of it ♪ ♪ Try making faces ♪ ♪ Try telling jokes ♪ ♪ Making little sounds ♪ ♪ I was a kid who was stuck in his room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ When you’re a kid And you’re stuck in your room ♪ ♪ You’ll do any old shit To get out of it ♪ ♪ Try making faces ♪ ♪ Try telling jokes ♪ ♪ Making little sounds ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Look who’s inside again ♪ ♪ Went out to look ♪ ♪ For a reason to hide again ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Buddy, you found it ♪ ♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪ ♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪ One more. ♪ I grew up as your usual suburbanite ♪ ♪ A tiny town in Massachusetts Overwhelmingly white ♪ ♪ I went to church on Sundays In a suit and a tie ♪ ♪ Then spent my free time Watching Family Guy ♪ ♪ I started doing comedy When I was just a sheltered kid ♪ ♪ I wrote offensive shit And I said it ♪ ♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪ ♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪ ♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪ ♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪ ♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ I’m problematic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ When I was 17, on Halloween ♪ ♪ I dressed up as Aladdin ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I did not darken my skin ♪ ♪ But still it feels weird in hindsight ♪ ♪ I want to show you How I’m growing as a person, but first ♪ ♪ I feel I must address the lyrics From the previous verse ♪ ♪ I tried to hide behind my childhood And that’s not okay ♪ ♪ My actions are my own I won’t explain them away ♪ ♪ I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting Since I started singing this song ♪ ♪ I was totally wrong when I said it ♪ ♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪ ♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪ ♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪ ♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪ ♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ I’m problematic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I just remembered that Aladdin costume’s In my mother’s attic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I’m gonna go home and burn it… ♪ Or not burn it. Is burning it bad? What should I do with it? ♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪ ♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪ ♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪ ♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really shitty ♪ ♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪ ♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪ ♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪ ♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really ♪ ♪ And I’m really fucking sorry ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m trying to listen Shit, I’ve been complacent ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ ♪ If I’m gonna catch up First, I gotta fess up ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ Sh– So, um… I’ve been working on this special now for six months. And… the whole time I’ve had a… a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of… of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed… I just… I just wanted to avoid that. So… And you might be thinking, “Well, that’s fine. You know, look at you.” “You radiate such youth.” “You must not be turning 30 for years.” And that’s very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy uh, my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay. ♪ I used to run for miles ♪ ♪ I used to ride my bike ♪ ♪ I used to wake up with a smile ♪ ♪ And go to bed at night with a dream ♪ Ah. ♪ But now I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ I used to be the young one ♪ ♪ Got used to meeting people ♪ ♪ Who were used to meeting someone ♪ ♪ Who was born in 1990 ♪ ♪ No way! ♪ Yeah, I was born in 1990. ♪ Now I’m turning 30 ♪ God… God damn it. ♪ I’m ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Thirty ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ When he was 27 ♪ ♪ My granddad fought in Vietnam ♪ ♪ When I was 27 ♪ ♪ I built a birdhouse with my mom ♪ Oh fuck. ♪ How am I 30? ♪ ♪ I used to make fun of the boomers ♪ ♪ In retrospect, a bit too much ♪ ♪ Now all these fucking zoomers ♪ ♪ Are telling me that I’m out of touch ♪ Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones are poisoning your minds. Okay? So when you develop a dissociative mental disorder in your late twenties, don’t come crawling back to me. ♪ I’m ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Thirty ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children ♪ ♪ It’s 2020, and I’m 30 ♪ ♪ I’ll do another ten ♪ ♪ 2030 I’ll be 40 and kill myself then ♪ Okay. Check that one. We’ll do one more. I just wanna say for the record, um, that I do not want to kill myself, okay? I don’t wanna kill myself, and I’m not going to kill myself. Um, and if you’re out there and you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and you want to kill yourself, I just want to tell you don’t. Okay? Can you not, please? Just don’t. All right? Fucking quit it with the– But really, don’t kill yourself. You don’t want to, because… There are people that love you… That’s not true necessarily, but there could be people that love you in the future, and just don’t. I’ve had people close to me kill themselves, and I’ll be honest with you, didn’t love it. Didn’t love that. So just don’t. But if I could kill myself for a year… If I can– I’d do it today. If I could kill myself today and be dead until like 18 months from now, um, I would do it, but alas… when you kill yourself, you’re dead forever, and we shouldn’t be dead forever yet. So let’s not. Right? Come on, guys. ♪ How are you feeling? ♪ ♪ Do you like the show? ♪ ♪ Are you tired of it? ♪ ♪ Never mind, I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Are you finding it boring? ♪ ♪ Too fast, too slow? ♪ ♪ I’m asking but don’t answer ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Do I have your attention? ♪ ♪ Yes or no? ♪ ♪ I bet I’d guess the answer ♪ ♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Am I on in the background? ♪ ♪ Are you on your phone? ♪ ♪ I’d ask you what you’re watching ♪ ♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Is there anyone out there? ♪ ♪ Or am I all alone? ♪ ♪ It wouldn’t make a difference ♪ ♪ Still I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ I thought it’d be over by now ♪ ♪ But I got a while to go ♪ ♪ I’d give away the ending ♪ ♪ But you don’t wanna kn– ♪ What’s up, boys. Welcome to the stream. Um, I’m gonna be doing some live play today for the first time in a while. Uh, you guys have been wanting that, so we’re gonna do– This is the title, Inside. I’ve got a lot of requests for this game in chat. It’s some indie developer. I’m not really sure. I’m going in totally cold on this. Um, JB, thank you for the three months. My dude, much appreciated. Um… Okay. That looks pretty good, graphics-wise. I mean, I know it’s a cinematic, but… So we’re gonna be trying to do live plays every day this week, so tune in for that. I would be gifting 30 subs at the end of the week. Um, day 50, 250… All right, so this dude’s been in here for a while. So is this like an escape the room? Or… Okay. So I can cry. So he’s… he’s not happy about being in this room. I like the music. The music is actually nice on this. Controls are actually pretty smooth. So you’re in this like 2D set up, right? Like, I can’t control the camera. Um… I’ll give it– I guess I’ll cry again. He’s– So is the dude big, or is the room small? That’s what I’m confused about. Chat’s saying, try the door. Yeah, well, okay. I mean, I don’t think it’s gonna be that simple, but I will. Yeah, there ya go. Um, okay, Well, I think he’ll probably cry again. It’s tough, dude. It’s tough. He’s been in here a while. Um, see, I don’t like that. I don’t know why they feel the need to give the hint so quick. I just wish they’d let me… let me explore a little bit. Wha… I’m holding the flashlight like a… like a cop. Why is he doing that? Ah. All right. Okay. So… All right. Okay, he seems a little happier now. That’s nice. I don’t know. I’ll cry, I guess, again. Okay, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be do– Oh! Nice. Okay, yeah. Yeah, great. Um… All right, I’m into this. Yeah, it’s giving me sort of like Death Stranding vibes, you know, ’cause it’s, like, it’s fucking boring, but that’s, like, the point, I think. Dante, thank you for the four months. Appreciate it. How we feeling out there tonight? Yeah. I am not feeling good. ♪ Wake up at 11:30 ♪ ♪ Feeling like a bag of shit ♪ ♪ Oh no! ♪ ♪ All my clothes are dirty So I’m smelling like a bag of shit ♪ ♪ Go to pour my coffee, and I miss my cup OMG, that is just my luck ♪ ♪ Look in the mirror Say, “What’s up, you useless fuck?” ♪ ♪ Are you feeling what I’m feeling? ♪ ♪ I haven’t had a shower In the last nine days ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Staring at the ceiling ♪ ♪ And waiting For this feeling to go away ♪ ♪ But it won’t go away ♪ ♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪ ♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪ ♪ Well, I feel like shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ Feeling like A saggy, massive sack of shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ Big ‘ol motherfucking Duffel bag of shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ All day, all shit ♪ ♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪ ♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪ ♪ I’m feeling like shit ♪ ♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Huh ♪ ♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Yeah? ♪ ♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Huh? ♪ ♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ So, um, my… uh, my current mental health is… is… rapidly approaching, um, an ATL, which is, um, that’s an “all-time low,” not… not Atlanta. And… You know, I feel okay when I’m asleep. Like when I’m asleep, I feel all right, but it’s basically from the moment I wake up, I, uh, I just get this– ♪ Feeling in my body ♪ ♪ Way down deep inside me ♪ ♪ I try not to fight it ♪ ♪ Describe it ♪ ♪ All right A few things start to happen ♪ ♪ My vision starts to flatten ♪ ♪ My heart, it gets to tappin’ ♪ ♪ And I think I’m gonna die ♪ Yeah, so, um… Yeah. Not… Not doing great. ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Have a look around ♪ ♪ Anything that brain of yours Can think of can be found ♪ ♪ We’ve got mountains of content ♪ ♪ Some better, some worse ♪ ♪ If none of it’s of interest to you You’d be the first ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Come and take a seat ♪ ♪ Would you like to see the news Or any famous women’s feet? ♪ ♪ There’s no need to panic This isn’t a test ♪ ♪ Just nod or shake your head And we’ll do the rest ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ What would you prefer? ♪ ♪ Would you like to fight For civil rights or tweet a racial slur? ♪ ♪ Be happy, be horny Be bursting with rage ♪ ♪ We got a million different ways To engage ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Put your cares aside ♪ ♪ Here’s a tip for straining pasta Here’s a nine-year-old who died ♪ ♪ We got movies and doctors And fantasy sports ♪ ♪ And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings Of all the characters in Harry Potter ♪ ♪ Fucking each other Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Hold on to your socks ♪ ♪ ‘Cause a random guy just kindly sent you Photos of his cock ♪ ♪ They are grainy and off-putting He just sent you more ♪ ♪ Don’t act surprised You know you like it, you whore ♪ ♪ See a man beheaded Get offended, see a shrink ♪ ♪ Show us pictures of your children Tell us every thought you think ♪ ♪ Start a rumor, buy a broom Or send a death threat to a boomer ♪ ♪ Or DM a girl and groom her Do a Zoom or find a tumor ♪ ♪ And here’s a healthy breakfast option You should kill your mom ♪ ♪ Here’s why women never fuck you Here’s how you can build a bomb ♪ ♪ Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz ♪ ♪ Obama sent the immigrants To vaccinate your kids ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ You know, it wasn’t always like this. ♪ Not very long ago ♪ ♪ Just before your time ♪ ♪ Right before the towers fell ♪ ♪ Circa ’99 ♪ ♪ This was catalogues ♪ ♪ Travel blogs ♪ ♪ A chat room or two ♪ ♪ We set our sights and spent our nights ♪ ♪ Waiting ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ You ♪ ♪ Insatiable you ♪ ♪ Mommy let you use her iPad ♪ ♪ You were barely two ♪ ♪ And it did all the things ♪ ♪ We designed it to do ♪ ♪ Now look at you ♪ Oh. ♪ Look at you ♪ ♪ You, you ♪ ♪ Unstoppable, watchable ♪ ♪ Your time is now ♪ ♪ Your inside’s out ♪ ♪ Honey, how you grew ♪ ♪ And if we stick together ♪ ♪ Who knows what we’ll do ♪ ♪ It was always the plan ♪ ♪ To put the world in your hand ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything And anything and everything ♪ ♪ And anything and everything All of the time ♪ I’ve been freaking out for a long time, thinking I’m never gonna finish this special and be working on it forever. And recently, I’ve been feeling like, “Oh, man, maybe I am getting close to done with this.” “Maybe I’m gonna finish it after all.” And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means that I have to, um, not work on it anymore. And that means I have to just live my life, and so I’m not gonna do that, and I’m gonna not finish the special. I’m gonna work on it forever, I think. So, yeah, I’m gonna work on this forever, and I’m never gonna release it. I’m not talking to anybody now. I’m just talking to myself. So, yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let’s keep going. ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ You did it! ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Congratulations! ♪ Man, you guys are a great crowd. Give it up for yourselves for coming out, by the way, tonight. Give it up. Supporting live comedy in these weird times. Um, it’s crazy. Um… These are some pretty crazy times, but it’s nice during these crazy times that we can get together. We can laugh. You know? Um… I’ve learned something over this last year, which is pretty funny. Um, I’ve learned that real-world human-to-human tactile contact will kill you, and that all human interaction, whether it be social, political, spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal should be contained in the much more safe, much more real interior digital space. That the outside world, the non-digital world, is merely a theatrical space in which one stages and records content for the much more real, much more vital digital space. One should only engage with the outside world as one engages with a coal mine. Suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface. Um… And is it just me, or do pirates need to take a little bit better care of their fuckin’ maps? You know, when I find a pirate’s map, it’s… it’s always tea-stained, and the edges are burnt, and it’s like if you’re a pirate, all right, and you’re gonna make this map and expect me to carry it around the globe as I search for your treasure, then laminate it. I can’t really, uh, play the guitar very well, um, or sing, so… You know, apologies. ♪ Stunning 8K resolution meditation app ♪ ♪ In honor of the revolution ♪ ♪ It’s half-off at the Gap ♪ ♪ Deadpool, self-awareness ♪ ♪ Loving parents, harmless fun ♪ ♪ The backlash to the backlash ♪ ♪ To the thing that’s just begun ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ The surgeon general’s pop-up shop ♪ ♪ Robert Iger’s face ♪ ♪ Discount Etsy agitprop ♪ ♪ Bugle’s take on race ♪ ♪ Female Colonel Sanders ♪ ♪ Easy answers, civil war ♪ ♪ The whole world at your fingertips ♪ ♪ The ocean at your door ♪ ♪ The live-action Lion King ♪ ♪ The Pepsi halftime show ♪ ♪ Twenty thousand years of this ♪ ♪ Seven more to go ♪ ♪ Carpool Karaoke ♪ ♪ Steve Aoki, Logan Paul ♪ ♪ A gift shop at the gun range ♪ ♪ A mass shooting at the mall ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ Reading Pornhub’s terms of service ♪ ♪ Going for a drive ♪ ♪ And obeying all the traffic laws ♪ ♪ In Grand Theft Auto 5 ♪ ♪ Full agoraphobic ♪ ♪ Losing focus, cover blown ♪ ♪ A book on getting better ♪ ♪ Hand-delivered by a drone ♪ ♪ Total disassociation ♪ ♪ Fully out your mind ♪ ♪ Googling “derealization” ♪ ♪ Hating what you find ♪ ♪ That unapparent summer air ♪ ♪ In early fall ♪ ♪ The quiet comprehending ♪ ♪ Of the ending of it all ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ Just wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ So, I– Jesus. So I’ve been working on this, uh, special for… a year now. It– Fucking… So I’ve been working on this special for, um, a year now, which is, um, a lot longer than I anticipated working on it. When I started… So I’ve been working on– I fucking… I can’t. I fucking… Fucking… I am… not… um, well. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. Thank you. You guys have been incredible. Thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you guys. I couldn’t, really. I… This last year has been… You know, there have been times that, um… But just knowing you’re here, you know, feeling you here with me. Um… Yeah, thank you. You know, I hate to ask because, uh, you’ve given me so much. But… I need you to do one more thing for me. Can you do that? ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seats ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seats ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪ ♪ Are you having fun? ♪ ♪ It’s almost over ♪ ♪ It’s just begun ♪ ♪ Don’t overthink this ♪ ♪ Look in my eye ♪ ♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪ ♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ You want to hear a funny story? So, uh, five years ago, I quit performing live comedy, because I was beginning to have, uh, severe panic attacks while on stage, which is not a great place to have them. So, I… I quit. And I didn’t perform for five years, and I spent that time… trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what? I did! I got better. I got so much better, in fact, that in January of 2020, I thought, “You know what, I should… start performing again.” “I’ve been hiding from the world, and I need to… reenter.” And then… the funniest thing happened. ♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪ ♪ Are you having fun? ♪ ♪ It’s almost over ♪ ♪ It’s just begun ♪ ♪ Don’t overthink this ♪ ♪ Look in my eye ♪ ♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪ ♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪ ♪ You say the ocean’s rising ♪ ♪ Like I give a shit ♪ ♪ You say the whole world’s ending ♪ ♪ Honey, it already did ♪ ♪ You’re not gonna slow it ♪ ♪ Heaven knows you tried ♪ ♪ Got it? Good. Now get inside ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ I said, get your fuckin’ hands up… ♪ Get up. Get up. I’m talking to you, get the fuck up! ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Hey, now get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Come on, hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ I said get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get– ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ Hi. Welcome to, uh, whatever this is, um… I think– I think I’m… I’m done. Um, possible… uh, ending song that is not finished yet. Test. Take one. ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ I’ll see you when I see you ♪ ♪ You can pick the street ♪ ♪ I’ll meet you on the other side ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ Do I really have to finish? ♪ ♪ Do returns always diminish? ♪ ♪ Did I say that right? ♪ ♪ Does anybody want To joke when no one’s ♪ ♪ Laughing in the background? ♪ ♪ So this is how it ends ♪ ♪ I promise ♪ ♪ To never go outside again ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Bye ♪ ♪ I’m slowly losing power ♪ ♪ Has it only been an hour? ♪ ♪No, that can’t be right ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ Hey, here’s a fun idea ♪ ♪ How about I sit on the couch ♪ ♪ And I watch you next time ♪ ♪ I wanna hear you tell ♪ ♪ A joke when no one’s ♪ ♪ Laughing in the background ♪ ♪ So this is how it ends ♪ ♪ I promise ♪ ♪ To never go outside again ♪ ♪ Am I going crazy? ♪ ♪ Would I even know? ♪ ♪ Am I right back where I started Fourteen years ago? ♪ ♪ Wanna guess the ending? ♪ ♪ If it ever does ♪ ♪ I swear to God That all I’ve ever wanted ♪ ♪ Was a little bit of everything ♪ ♪ All of the time ♪ ♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ I’m finished playing And I’m staying inside ♪ ♪ If I wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ I’ll panic So call me up and tell me a joke ♪ ♪ When I’m fully irrelevant And totally broken, damn it ♪ ♪ Call me up and tell me a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ You’re really joking At a time like this ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Look who’s inside again ♪ ♪ Went out to look ♪ ♪ For a reason to hide again ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Buddy, you found it ♪ ♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪ ♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tom Papa: Freaked Out (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-freaked-out-transcript/

♪ Now the time is right ♪ ♪ Bright city light ♪ ♪ Turn it up a little louder ♪ ♪ Calling out your name ♪ ♪ To come out and play ♪ ♪ Before the midnight hour ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Everyone getting all dressed up ♪ ♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now ♪ ♪ We’re bringing on the night ♪ ♪ We’re taking on the town ♪ ♪ We’re shining like the stars ♪ ♪ Tonight is our night ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Thank you very much. Yes indeed. You look great. It looks like you lost weight. Good for you. You look nice. Sincerely, many, many thanks. It means a lot that you’re here. A big round of applause for the Tom Papa dancers. Thank you so much. Really means a lot. It really does. Here’s why I don’t like the Chinese. Not some of them, all of them. I’m scared of the Chinese. I’m scared of the Chinese. And I know fear comes from ignorance, and I am ignorant of that culture. But I’ll bet most of you are ignorant of the Chinese culture. Go to Chinatown, and go to a grocery store, and look at what they consider food. And you tell me you understand the Chinese. Bags of salted squirrel faces. Baby alligators this big, this big. I’ve never seen an alligator this big. Not on the Internet. Not on discovery. Not in a museum. It’s like they don’t exist. Go to Chinatown, there’s boxes filled with them with scoopers like you’re getting gummy bears at the fair. There’s always a fish tank out front with black water in it. You think nothing’s in it. You come up, tap on the glass. Something comes up, spits at you, yells, and goes back down. Was that a fish or a man? Are they selling it or does he work here? All right, all right, what other culture has buckets of live frogs out front of every storefront? Who? And not just the food store. The bank, the electronics store. Everyone in Chinatown is in the live frog business. Well, let’s educate ourselves. Let’s not be so ignorant. Let’s learn a little bit. We’ll take six, please. Give us six live frogs. They bag ’em up for you. You get ’em home to your place. What’s your next move? How are you killing six live frogs on your own? Are you just gonna get little pillows and put ’em over their face? Let it go, froggy. Let it go. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. Who you gonna ask for answers in those stores? Who’s there to help you in those stores? One 2,000-year-old woman sitting on a milk crate chewing on a bat wing. A Bengal tiger in a hammock just swinging behind her, eyeballing you the whole time. You go to the register. No people at the register. Just cats. Cats working the register. Smoking cigarettes, playing scratch-off lottery games, eating fig Newtons with no labels on them. Scary, scary people. And we owe them $4 trillion. Gay men scare me. Gay men scare me because they care about the same things that women care about, but with the aggression of men. It’s a dangerous combination. Like if my wife sees a friend of hers who’s gained a little weight, she’ll rip her apart but be very tactful about it. You know, “looks like Barbara “might have put on a pound or two. Bah, bah, bah, bah.” Our gay friend’s like, “please, she’s a walrus.” “Look at her whiskers.” Like, women will redecorate maybe a room or two. Maybe a half bath if they get excited. Gay men will redecorate an entire city if they don’t like it. I live in Chelsea here in town. It was a hellhole. It was rat-infested, graffiti-covered. And when the gay community finally moved in, they got to Chelsea looked around and said, “hell no. This will not do.” And they dressed up like construction workers in jeans and work boots… Suspenders and no shirts. And they tore that place to the ground. And what has emerged is a pottery barn heaven. Everywhere you go it smells like candles. Gay men make everything better. Yeah, that should be their slogan. This is a pretty amazing time to be here. It’s probably the greatest time to be on this planet. It really is. We are very lucky people. But we don’t always feel that way. We always feel freaked out all the time, ’cause we’re the first generation of people who’s had to watch news 24 hours a day. No other human being has had to watch a nonstop horror show of other people’s problems. It’s too much. You gotta turn it off. It’ll make you sick. You gotta treat the news like a call home to your parents. Shorter the better. Right, you call, you make it short, like, they tell you something weird your dad did with a jar of mayonnaise and… “I love you. I love you.” You hang up. How are they? They’re good, they’re good. They’re doing just fine. Because it skews our thinking. This is an amazing time to be here, you know? We’re the people of the 21st century. The 21st century, that’s a pretty amazing thing. But we have to own it. We have to own it. We gotta let the past go. We gotta make some changes. No more post office. It’s time to shut it down. I can send a picture of my testicles to all of Russia from my phone. Shut it down. Who’s communicating like this anymore? I’ve got to get a message to my friend in Virginia. Get me some paper and my writin’ sticks. “Dear Mortimer, send help immediately.” How we gonna get it there? I know, let’s give it to the weirdo in the blue uniform who wanders the neighborhood and stares at the children too long. He’ll know what to do with it. Shut it down. Have you been inside a post office lately? Even the people who work in the post office can’t believe it’s still open. It’s like a haunted Scooby Doo warehouse at this point. Everything’s covered in spider webs. Old machinery run by enslaved Oompa Loompas. You get to the front of the line, they look at you like you’re selling something and you just walked into their apartment. “What the hell are you doing here?” “I wanna send this to my Nana.” Then they go into a list of stuff they can’t do for you. “Well, I can’t send it wrapped like that. “I can’t let you pay with that credit card. “I can’t make eye contact with you when I’m talking to you. I can’t stop eating Funyuns when I’m at work.” Shut it down. While we’re at it, no more change. No more disease-infested coins. It’s 2013. I can go to Starbucks with my iPhone and buy things like Captain Kirk with a phaser just pointing at stuff. I’ll take a latte. Pew! I’ll take a scone. Pew-pew! Why are we walking around like leprechauns with pockets filled with golden trinkets, jingle-jangling down the city streets, teasing the homeless. Why? You run your errands, you have to wear a belt just to keep your pants up from all the treasure you’re gonna accumulate from your magic Mario Brothers adventure, ’cause they love giving it out. Nothing ends on the dollar amount, right? 5.15, bling, bling, bling. 6.29, bling, bling, bling. You ever get 99 cents change? That’s a big F.U., isn’t it? ‘Cause you know they don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You’re gonna do it? Aren’t you hilarious. Thank you very much. This will be all over my bedroom floor when I take my pants off tonight. 21st century. I say we give NASA one more year. One more year to make space travel exciting again, and if they can’t pull it off we close them up and give the whole thing to Red Bull. Right? How dare you make space travel a snoozefest. You land on Mars, and you make it so boring that we’re more interested in watching Antiques Roadshow. “Wow, I didn’t know they had an ice cream scooper “in the 1700s. “Maybe we should look in grammy’s attic and” “did you hear we landed on Mars?” “I don’t care.” ‘Cause after all these years, they blow it. We don’t land on Mars. They land a remote-control car on Mars. You ever been at Christmas and someone gets a remote-control car? It’s fun for one person, whoever has the remote. That’s what’s happening now. There’s one guy in Pasadena at the controls. “I’m on Mars! This is awesome! It’s mine, all mine!” They call it The Rover. The Rover. What kinda lame-ass name is The Rover? Don’t you have a marketing department or someone under the age of 96. The Rover. Rover’s touching down. Explore away, Rover. Godspeed, Rover. Why isn’t anyone watching Rover? Because this is America. Redneck it up a little bit. Call it “The Planet Crusher.” Put some flames on the side and some naked chick mud flaps. You land on Mars, a big laser gun comes out, just starts firing. Bwhowm! Bwhowm! Make up some stories about space creatures. How are we gonna know you’re lying? They’re green and they’re fast. They’re everywhere. Bwhowm! But we’ll get ’em. We’re NASA, “nuking asshole space aliens.” And have the whole thing sponsored by Budweiser and Hooters. But it is an exciting time to be alive. It really is. Things are getting better, they say. They say things are getting better. They say the economy‘s improving. I don’t know, ’cause I don’t understand it. Apparently nobody does. You know, even the people who run it, even the people who report on it have no clue on what’s going on with the economy. You wake up at 9:00 in the morning, they’re like, “everything’s great.” By noon, “we’re all going down!” What did they say? Why? And I try, I read the articles. I’m not an idiot. I read every day about the economy. It’s like drinking Jagermeister reading these articles. It’s like two paragraphs in, I’m just passed out on the kitchen floor. I wake up six hours later with no pants on. “Who’s Dow Jones? I feel weird.” Nobody understands it. That’s why the whole occupy Wall Street thing fell on its ass. They didn’t even know what they were fighting for. “We want it now!” “All right, what do you want?” “I don’t know! “Maybe a tent and a razor for my girlfriend. I don’t know.” I would pass it all the time with my daughter. We’d be walking through the park, she was like, “what’s going on? What’s this crowd?” And I was like, “well, look, there’s a great economic disparity “between the really rich and the really poor, and they’re protesting against it.” She’s like, “well, what does that mean?” I said, “that means we have to get really rich really fast “and get with the winning team. “Or you’re gonna be playing hacky sack in this park for the rest of your life.” My brother-in-law was like, “that’s not cool. The poor are gonna get you.” I’m like, “well, they’re not gonna get in my gated community, “so I don’t know how that’s gonna happen. “I’m not giving them the code. Are you giving them the code?” Twitter built that movement, and Twitter killed that movement, by the way. It worked great for six months. It was a good way to organize. And then the cops were like, “why aren’t we following them on Twitter?” And then they start showing up, like, an hour early. Everyone come in the park, “how did they know?” And I know this is how it ended, because I’m a white guy and I can totally walk up to cops in the park and be like, “what the hell is going on here?” And they have to tell me. It’s awesome. “You better fix it.” “We will, sir, we will.” It’s a good color to be if you wanna mess with the man. It’s… we don’t look that great, we’re pasty, and we burn easy, but the man doesn’t really mess with you. Same when I fly, my friends are like, “how do you deal with security all the time? It must suck.” Are you kidding? You should see the look of relief in the TSA’s face when I get to the front of the line. They always pull me out for the search. It’s not even a search, it’s like a meet and greet. We take pictures and exchange phone numbers. I point out all the weirdoes behind me who I think might be trouble. “I’ve never seen a hat like that before, I’m just saying.” Also 99%, 1%, that killed that movement too. We don’t like to be pit against each other. Also we don’t like to be clumped all together. 99%, we’re all the same. Not in this country, no, no, no. I was just in Alabama doing shows not long ago, and if you do the math we’re supposed to be part of the same 99%. We are not. You’re not either. I mean, maybe we’re not rich. We don’t eat food with our feet. There should be, like, a 40% that we can be a part of, you know? You can make a little money, you spend it on things like shampoo and belts and birth control. Look, the world’s always stressful. There’s always problems. We all have our problems. We have problems. There’s a lot of problems. But I’ll take our problems over any in history. Really, I think we just didn’t get everything we thought we were gonna get. You know, it’s, like, I wanted everything in the pottery barn catalogue. I only got a couple pages. Wah! Really? Tell that to some people who lived through World War II. 14 million people dead. Hitler running around Europe. Yeah, but I can’t download movies as fast as I want to. Keeps rebuffering, I hate that. I don’t think I would have survived any other time in history, I really don’t. I don’t think I would have made it. Could you? Civil War. Could you have lived through the Civil War? No way. The Civil War. Brother on brother, stabbing each other in the guts. All before band-aids, by the way. Yeah, back then you got stabbed, you took wood chips and shoved ’em in your hole. You laid in a field, played a rusty flute and waited for help. “Is that you, Walt Whitman?” ♪ boo ba doo, ba doo, ba doo ♪ Just little stuff I couldn’t have survived without. Electricity, the little things. Refrigeration. Could you have survived with just that, no refrigeration? We lost our power for a week, we were almost eating each other. No refrigeration, forget it. No frozen burritos for you, no, no. No ice cream. No ice cream! Why even live, right? Why be on the planet? You got cream back then. It came out of a smelly beast that lived outside your non-air-conditioned shack. Could you imagine? That’s your dessert when you’re a kid. You choked down your turnips, you dad would line you up on the lawn, grab an udder and squirt it in your face. “Thank you, father. Can I have some more?” “You sure can, Jacob. You’re a good boy.” “We’re so lucky to be alive.” There’s always gonna be stress. You could turn off everything. That’s why you gotta enjoy it. You gotta take every moment you can. I mean, this is it. This is the good… This is primetime. This is it for us. This is as good as it’s gonna get. It’s not gonna get better. This is it. You’re gonna get old and weird really soon. This is it. This is primetime. You gotta take whatever you can get. That’s why I don’t understand people just… What are you waiting for? People that shit on the holidays, why, what? The cookies, the music, the smiles? What’s the problem? What, what do you think is going to happen? You think fireworks are gonna shoot out of our ass eventually? No, it’s not gonna happen. So whatever you gotta do to make yourself happy, do it, do it. Some people like to drink. Good for you, good for you. I’m one of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a grown-up who drinks. Yeah, I have a liquor cabinet now. A liquor cabinet, yeah. I didn’t build it. I just had a cabinet filled with other stuff, and I slowly moved it out and replaced it with booze. The liquor cabinet shows you how evil alcohol really is, doesn’t it? Think about it. It’s just a hot box. No refrigeration, no ventilation. Just a hot square box. You take a thing of whiskey out, take a drink, put it back, come back five years later, it’s fine. That’s evil stuff. Put a ham sandwich in the liquor cabinet. You come back five years later, there’s gonna be a baby pig man living in there. Grown out of pork and mold. “Hey, hey!” But he’s in a liquor cabinet, so he’s classy. Probably a suit and fancy shoes. Baby pig man, another advantage of drinking. Yeah, some people drink, some people tickle strangers. I like putting my balls on a marble countertop. I can’t even say it without smiling. There’s something so refreshing. It’s not even that they’re that heavy, but something about standing and not having to carry them for a brief moment… It’s so… And that cold dark marble. You could do it too, ladies. Let the girls out. Put the hot under part on cold marble island. Anyone comes in, just tell ’em your back hurts. “I’ll be right with you.” Whatever you gotta do. Some people like to smoke pot. Some people enjoy that. There they are. I always love that clap. It’s always very proud, and then they realize it’s only, like, five people. “Now I’m really freaking out.” I have a reminder on my body from those years when I used to get high, and it’s just a reminder of how stupid I was at the time. I don’t wear shorts anymore because of it. It’s a bad tattoo, and I just picked it off a wall in New Jersey. I wouldn’t pick a t-shirt off a wall in New Jersey. I’m like, “I want that on my body.” Like a moron. It’s a gnome. It’s a gnome! I wish I was kidding. I am not. He’s got a hat, a red hat, and sparkles around it, and a big lame beard. And on the wall he was watering a pot plant, and even high I was like, “no, that’s going too far. “I see him as a magical creature. “He should have a walking stick “for when he goes through the forest and talks to the other gnomes, I guess.” And this tattoo guy was like… “Like that?” “No, but yeah now.” Forever and ever. I need some big tube socks now. Don’t do drugs, kids. I also got kids around too. That’s another thing. You don’t wanna be high when you got kids around the house. They always know. They always know. I made that mistake once. My friend was getting high watching football. “You want some?” “Yeah, okay.” I was flying, I hadn’t done it in so long. The whole time walking home I’m like, “I hope they don’t notice. I hope they don’t notice.” My little one came right up to me, “you look different.” “I am different. I’m a loser. You look different too. You’re so little. What’s it like to be so little? Look at your hands. They’re like paws. No wonder you always drop stuff. You have paws. Why do you have pockets in your little pants? Seriously? Where are you going? You don’t have money or keys. Why pockets?” I love kids. I like kids a lot. I’m in a good spot with mine. I’m finally done raising them, which is awesome. Yeah, they’re nine and six. I made it. It took a long time, a lot of ups and downs, but I am done. I’m not even kidding, I… Really. They don’t even need me anymore. You should see their Christmas list. It’s not even toys. It’s, like, appliances and furniture. I think they have an apartment in Detroit I’m not aware of. You know what it really is? I just can’t discipline them anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t fight with little people and their little problems, I can’t. I got big stuff I gotta deal with every day. I can’t fight with you and your socks and not wanting to pick them up, I can’t. This is my parenting technique now. I go, “you brush your teeth.” They go, “I don’t want to brush my teeth.” And I say, “fine,” and I walk out of the room. “I tried to help. You don’t want my help. I’ll let life take care of you.” That’s what life does, it disciplines you. It corrects you when you’re wrong. Walk down the street with no pants on. Life’s gonna let you know it’s not a cool thing to do. Look, who’s gonna make her brush her teeth more, me saying it over and over or a bunch of eight-year-old girls cornering her in the locker room and calling her “shit mouth”? That happens once, she’s gonna brush her ass off for the rest of her life. She’ll be 50 going, “don’t call me shit mouth.” Can’t do it. And, look, how long are we gonna live with each other? What, another eight, nine years tops? Why all the tension? Let’s enjoy ourselves, you know? Let’s have a good time and go our separate ways as friends. I want them to look back and be like, “you know what? That guy was fun. I like him. He was a little weird, but he was kinda funny. I like that guy.” They’re not gonna say it about their mother, so they might as well say it about me. Well, look, there’s a good cop and a bad cop, right? And she’s the bad cop. My wife’s amazing. She does everything. But she’s not very popular in the house. Well, she’s fried. She just wakes up pissed off. She doesn’t even have a fuse. Soon as she opens her eyes, “did everybody do what they’re supposed to do?” “What was I supposed to do? I was asleep. Was I supposed to get something from sleepy town or… I’ll go back. You want me to go back?” And I know we’re supposed to show a united front. You know, right or wrong, as parents, you back each other up against these little people who are trying to kill you. But she’s so off the charts, I can’t do it. I’ll lose all my credibility. The kids and I just roll our eyes all day long. She’ll be like, “everybody get to bed!” They’re like, “dad?” “I know. It’s not like it gets better when you go to sleep. Trust me. I’ve got four more hours of this. She’s making you go to sleep. She’s making me stay up.” And, look, I like the whole thing. I love the chaotic mess that it all is, I do. I fought it for years, I tried to keep it clean. That’s not fun. Life is about a mess. Make your life a chaotic mess. Yeah. I’m not saying you need kids. You don’t need kids, but get something. Get some hermit crabs, get… Get a three-legged dog. That’ll be good stories. You’ll have a lot of laughs with that. Get something. Make it a big chaotic mess. Do it, really. Just make it a big thing. I do it all. I do it all. I go to dance recitals now. If that doesn’t show I love you, then nothing will. I go to dance recitals. Always on a Sunday, when I have a much better offer, and I have to say no and carry hair products and tutus through the city and go to dance recitals. And, look, I don’t want to sound like an idiot. When your kid goes up there, it’s amazing, it’s amazing. You know, I didn’t even know they were learning something all year. No idea. I just dropped them off. “Someone else is watching them for an hour. Let’s get a drink. You want a drink? Yeah, let’s go. We got time.” And then they waddle out there on the stage, and they do a little funny dance, and they kinda stumble, and it’s heartwarming, and you get choked up and misty-eyed, that lasts for, like, 30 seconds. And then you have to sit through 4 1/2 hours of other people’s useless bags of garbage. And the only people who are honest in the entire auditorium are the little boys that got dragged there against their will. There was this… At this last recital, there was this chunky monkey in a leotard stomping her way through a solo. I don’t know how much money her father gave to this school. She shouldn’t have been outside in the daylight, let alone on stage in a spotlight. And out of the darkness you just heard this little boy yell, “make it stop!” “Somebody stop it!” I wish I had the balls to be so honest that grown men have to carry me out of the auditorium into the lobby, ’cause you know that was the kid’s plan. As soon as he gets out there, “anyone get a light? That’s a horrible show. Am I wrong? That’s terrible entertainment.” My new thing now is I skate. I’m skating. I skate, ice skate. Put on clothes in the winter and go on ice. Because people wake me up at 6:00 in the morning saying they’re bored. Can you imagine? The sun’s not even up, and there’s a little face saying, “I’m bored.” If a roommate did that, you’d punch him right in the face. “Well, now you got something to do. Go ice that down.” But society doesn’t let you punch little girls in the face. So I get up. And we make unicorns with glue sticks and glitter and stuff, and we run out of activities by 7:00. So now we skate. And I know what you’re thinking. “Tom, do you even belong on skates? Do you know how to skate?” No, not at all. That’s not the point. Does a bear belong in the circus on a unicycle going around in circles in a party hat? No, but he does what he’s told, and they feed him when he’s done. And I’m the best skater in the family. That’s how moronic this activity is. I can’t do it at all, and I am the leader. So I go out and people attach themselves to me, and I just try and keep them up. And they fall off one by one like discarded Christmas trees. And eventually we all crawl to the edge for safety. And we get up, and we’re hungry, and we’re wet, and then we move as a pack into the city and look for food. And we sit in a diner, and we buy pasta for, like, 50 bucks, and get ripped off and spill stuff on each other and make a scene, and eventually we warm up and forget how miserable we were and plan our next skate. And this is my life now. I do weird stuff with people I make. I used to do weird stuff with people I met in bars. Now I make people, and I do weird stuff with them. Now we’re living their lives for them. We’re on top of them. We’re taking their tests for them. We’re planning their playdates. We’re in their life all the time, and it’s failing them, it’s failing them. Kids are showing up at college… There’s reports of kids showing up depressed ’cause they don’t know how to do anything, anything. They’re just like, “my bed isn’t made again today! Why is this happening? I used to wake up, my bed would be made, and there’d be Mickey mouse pancakes. Now nothing.” We’re failing them. All their test scores globally are in the toilet, in the toilet. We kicked ass when we were little. You know why? Our parents didn’t care. I’m going to school, you go to work. We’ll meet here at dinner. Don’t screw up. And we got our little book bags, and we’d head out of the house like little businesspeople, and we got stuff done. You had meetings at your lockers. You bought Cliff Notes off the black market. You forged signatures if you had to. And we were number one in the world. Number one. It’s arrogance. It’s arrogance of the parents that think you’re so important. You’re not that important. It’s easy to make a kid. It’s really easy. And then your job really is when they’re little stop them from waddling into traffic, electricity, or a weird uncle. That’s it. That is it. Other than that, get out of their way. All the best people on the planet didn’t even have their parents around. Steve Jobs was an orphan. Albert Einstein left home when he was 15. Abraham Lincoln, when he was six years old, cooked and ate both his parents. Yeah, little-known fact, but it’s true. Wasn’t in the movie, but it happened. That’s why he was 60 feet tall. Human bone marrow. We all show up on this planet with our personalities already intact. As soon as you’re here, you’re made, you’re made. And you’re either allowed to flower, or you’re stomped out by the grown-ups in your life. My kids are exactly the same as when they got here, exactly, and I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. My little one is tough as nails. She has a back like Michael Phelps. She eats rocks. She’s a killer. We’re all scared of her, all the family. We’re at the airport, I was like, “where’s the luggage?” She has it already. “Let’s go.” “Hurry up, she’s getting in the cab.” “Where’d she get money?” “I don’t know.” And she was that way immediately. She came out of my wife. They put her on that little baby bread warmer shelf. She immediately started getting up like she had somewhere to go. “Argh!” Nurses were passing out. They never saw a baby do a push-up their first five seconds on the planet. “Agh, let’s get out of here.” I can’t control that. I just have to watch her and hope she doesn’t turn evil. That’s all I can do. And the other one is smart. She’s always been that way. She wants help with her homework now, I can’t do it, can’t do it. Fourth grade math, I’m out, I’m out. It’s fraction time. Good night, I’m out. I get nervous when the pizza guy comes I have to do the change and the tip in the moment. I just hold up balled-up money like I’m from a small town in Belgium. You need more of this? You want more? We infantilize these kids. No one talks to their kids the way we do. You gonna put on your jammy-wammies? You gonna get all cuddly-wuddly on the couchie-poo? You have a big day tomorrow. You have your S.A.T.S. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Other cultures, the kids go to school and work immediately. These little Chinese kids putting together our iPhones, kicking ass over there. Seriously, they go to school for, like, 50 hours. They bicycle home 500 miles. They give their ancient grandparents a sponge bath, one piece of seaweed, off to the apple factory for the night shift. And they’re happy for the benefits. Our kids go to school for, like, three hours, then waddle around all night looking for candy. “Mahh! There’s gotta be some Skittles somewhere.” Every generation is smarter than the one that came before it, right? You were smarter than your parents. So these kids, with technology, it happens so much faster, so much faster. Just think about their phones. Think about the amount of pornography they have in their pockets 24 hours a day. You know what I had to do when I was eight years old to see a picture of a naked lady in a magazine? I had to run an underground railroad for porn. A series of meeting points and backpack drop-offs and swapping out bicycles in abandoned garages. Get it through the woods, into the house, into the basement, into the crawl space. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! We’d crawl back through the dirt with a book of matches. Could you imagine showing a Playboy to an eight-year-old now? They’d be like, “no, I was into that in preschool. More into feet now.” I’m raising girls. It’s all girls in my house, all girls. Whenever I say I’m raising girls, women always go, “it’s gonna suck. “Wait till they go through puberty. Your life is over.” Really? You want a boy going through puberty with what they do around the house? “Where are all our tissues? “Why are we going through so many tissues? “Why do I only have one sock? Where are my socks?” Some hairy Gollum crawling down the hallway, taking a shower for an hour and a half, coming out all sweaty, “aghh.” You can have it. I’ll take a girl anytime. Love girls. But I know there’s a limit, there’s a limit to how much I can teach them. At a certain point, I gotta just back off ’cause I don’t know it, and my wife takes over. ‘Cause there’s certain things that women know that you only know from other women. You only share it with other women. We don’t really know it. It’s like this weird martial art. It makes you so strong and cunning. It’s like this lady karate. Very devious. One of your master strokes is making us think that we’re the powerful ones. I really thought it for years. Well, the whole game is set up that way, isn’t it? “I’ll ask her on a date. I’ll ask her to marry me. I’ll give her my name. Agh!” And women are very smart, they go along with it. “Okay, maybe I’ll hyphenate it, but all right.” And then she does something one Sunday afternoon. You realize, my god, she could kill me in a second. So much more cunning. Women will get rid of a lifelong friend just from an eye roll at dinner. “Did you see how that bitch looked at me?” And she’s gone. You’ll never see her again. Gone, like old time Russia. Out of the contacts. Out of the picture frames. Disappears. You know how scary that is to a man, to know that everyone in your life is on a giant roulette wheel of death? And that we’re on there too at double zero just going around? It’s not gonna land on me, right? What are the odds? It’s a terrifying concept to a man, ’cause we never get rid of our friends ever, ever. Right? You meet a guy in kindergarten. If he’s your friend, he’s your friend for life. He could be the biggest jackass on the planet too. He could become an alcoholic drug addict, Rob a liquor store, go to jail, come out ten years later, come to your house, pee in your pool, hit on your wife, you’re like, “that’s Don. He’s crazy, right? But you gotta love him, you gotta. Look what he’s doing to the mailbox. Hilarious, dude!” And you think the closer you get to a woman, the safer you’ll be, and you’re wrong. You’re in more danger. ‘Cause you’re being manipulated in ways you don’t even know. Think about it, every guy who’s married is fatter than when he started, every one. You think that’s a coincidence? You think men are just so overjoyed with matrimony that they’re just walking around with chocolate Sundaes. “Wow, my life turned out so much better than I thought it would.” No. The common denominator is that you’re married to a woman. And when you marry a woman, you think she’s gonna love you and care for you and Cherish you, and you’re wrong. Her first instinct is to keep you. She’s a nester. The woman is a nester. She makes the nest, builds the nest, wants everyone in that nest all the time. And guys are always trying to leave the nest, always, just to look for worms or do loopty loops. Sometimes check out another nest. “Who’s in that nest? I’m just looking.” And women are aware of this, and they want to prevent it from happening by feeding you all the time, essentially making you too fat to fly. So if you ever try and leave, you land on the ground and waddle in circles like a fat duck. And then all the pretty birds look down, “he’s funny. I’d never have sex with him, but he’s hilarious.” But you should be more powerful. It makes perfect sense that women are strong, ’cause your lives are so much more difficult. You have so much more to deal with. It’s amazing. You have a lot more to deal with. Just the makeup alone. Just this never-ending art project you’re involved in. Carrying luggage around your entire lives, filled with art supplies. Brushes and pencils and paints. Just painting the same face over and over and over. You’re like a crazy Van Gogh with an etch a sketch. I don’t even know why you do it. Who are you doing it for? It’s not for us. We don’t care. All we care is that you’re not a dude. That’s all we care. It’s for other women. It’s that woman-on-woman hateful competition. It’s nasty. You ever see women say hello to each other? Nasty business, right? It’s all smiles up here. “Hi.” “hi.” Then they give each other that slow look of death up and down. Find a weakness, hang on it until she knows that you notice. “Sorry about that. You can get that taken care of.” Brutal. You should see the moms at my kids’ school trying to out-hot the other moms hilarious. 7:00 in the morning. They show up dressed to kill to out-hot the other moms. Are you high? No kid wants their mom to be hot. You just want a mom. You don’t want a hot mom. You just want a flowered house dress and wobbly bingo arms. Right? Big, sloppy mom boobs. You curl up in her like a cinnamon-scented beanbag chair. That’s a mom. And I got news for you, if you are the hot mom, the other moms aren’t calling you hot. They’re calling you a whore. The products that women get tricked into buying. They told women it might help their ass if they buy these Skechers shape-ups. Have you seen these orthopedic moon boots? They’re like sneakers attached to Frankenstein feet. They’re walking through the mall like Cirque du Soleil on stilts. “How’s my ass?” No one’s looking at your ass. We’re looking at your feet, afraid you have scoliosis. The whole idea of what it is to be a woman in this culture is demented. It’s demented. All right, every image of a woman, it’s something you can’t be and it’s something we’re not interested in. Right, every ad with a woman, she’s 6’8″, emaciated, little boy boobs, and bubble lips. Just scowling at us through black mascara. That’s not a woman. That’s nice on a billboard. What would you do with that if you got it into your house? That’d be like having a live giraffe in the living room. Knocking over lamps, hiding behind the piano. “What do we do with it?” “I don’t know, give it more cocaine. It seems to like it.” That’s not a woman. You want a woman, a partner for the rest of your life? Get a strong woman. Get one with a big back, help you mow the lawn once in a while. You don’t want a cool, skinny chick. They get sick easy. Get a strong chick. Stands at the stove and stirs for hours. “Welcome home! Children play in playground. We not have playground. I build it. They play now.” That’s a woman, especially in a family. Right, that’s another burden of the woman. The whole thing falls on you, the whole thing. You know, we thought it was gonna be different. We were gonna be the first generation of guys who were gonna pitch in, 50/50. Anything you do, we’re gonna do too. 50/50. Our dads didn’t do it, but we’re gonna do it. 50/50. Didn’t work out. It can’t be 50/50, ’cause we don’t like these kids half as much as you do. It’s a lot of work. The whole thing’s a lot of work. A lot of work. I haven’t slept in nine years. Nine years, no sleep. No sleep in nine years. I knew the baby part, I knew that. I didn’t know you don’t sleep for the rest of your life. Did not know that. You lay down like you’re sleeping. You close your eyes like you’re sleeping. But you’re listening for trouble 24 hours a day. My little one threw up off the top bunk bed. All I had to hear in my sleep was, “” she doesn’t even know what’s happening yet. And I’m running like a marine in his underwear, grabbing anything that looks like a bucket. A cat, the pillow. You don’t find anything, just go with your hand, just do it, just do it. I’ll catch it, I’ll deal with it. Just do it in my hand. But that’s the whole deal right there, right? Your kid gets sick in the middle of the night. You do more chores in ten minutes than you did in four years of college. Bagging stuff up, carrying bodies, doing laundry. It’s like you’re working for FEMA in the middle of the night. They come down the hall naked, stuff in their hair, “am I okay?” “Go stand in the tub. Stand in the… Get her out of here. She smells.” And the only thing we have to clean in my house is all-natural cleaners. My wife wants to save the planet with orange peel mist. She’s like, “it really works.” No, it doesn’t. They wouldn’t have invented all these other products if orange juice did the trick. Your kid throws up, you don’t care about the planet. You wanna see Mr. Clean. You want that bald bastard just smiling at you. His tight shirt and an earring. You don’t know if he’s gay or straight or a pirate. Just looking at you like, “yeah, I might kill your cat, but I’ll leave this place smelling like lemons.” That’s what you’re supposed to do. I guess that’s what life is. Just get it and go and go. I don’t want to get old though. Looks creepy. Doesn’t it look like it hurts? Seriously? You ever look at an old person on the street looking at a curb they have to go up? They’ll do, like, five dry runs before they go for it. Grabbing onto strangers. “Hey.” That’s another amazing thing about the time we live in. Science is moving at such a rate, we’re gonna be able to stop the effects of aging. How amazing is that? There’s gonna be no aging at a certain point. But the real bummer, we’re gonna just miss it. We’re gonna be the last generation of old people. How awful is that? They’re gonna look at us on the sidewalk like, “eww. “Remember when that used to happen? Look at their necks. They’re like testicles.” Now we’re at the weird stage where people are just hanging on. The doctors are just kinda working out the kinks. They’re just kinda make us last longer. Like, “get a load of this guy. “He shoulda been dead years ago. I filled him with batteries and Jujubes.” I don’t wanna just last. Do you wanna just last? People always take pride in that. Just… people in their family just keep going, especially if they’re a degenerate. Then you hear that story. They love telling that story. “You know, my grandfather ate bacon every morning, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, drank whiskey every night. Lived to 98 years old.” Yeah, and I’m sure he was a real treat to hang out with. Big bacon bag of bones with a racist ashtray for a mouth. Permanently attached to a vinyl recliner, sucking on an oxygen tank like he’s scuba diving in the living room. Can we agree on that? If you need an oxygen tank, maybe it’s time to wrap things up. Seriously, if the planet doesn’t have air for you anymore and your best friend is a nickel slot machine, one more lap and hit the showers. And, look, we can’t just keep living on. We can’t, we really can’t. It’s getting too expensive. Social security, Medicare. We don’t have the money. We can’t afford it. We can’t afford to keep the old people. We need a plan. A secret plan. Don’t tell the old people about it. We’ll communicate through computers and whispers. We’ll just agree not to kill them, exactly, but not to work so hard in saving every one of them. We gotta treat it like a trip to the vet. We know you love muffins, but it’s gonna be really expensive. There’s a lot of other muffins out there. And, look, I wouldn’t be so scared if I knew what happened after. Is this it? We just die and that’s it? Nothing more? Nothing more? Or do we get to go to some place even greater. This is a great party. You wanna keep the party going. Ooh, it’s… yeah! But if there is some place magical and better than this, how ’bout a text? How ’bout an email? Nothing. Nobody’s said… We search all the time, and nothing. My little girl wanted to go to church for the first time, and we don’t go to church. I believe, but I don’t believe enough to ruin my Sundays. I can’t totally not believe, ’cause I was raised catholic, and I’m terrified all the time. If you were raised catholic, you know… you can’t shake it. You’re just… no. My wife was raised catholic. She has the balls to completely not believe. She’s like, “the church is a patriarchal system to keep women down… It’s bullshit.” I’m like, “yeah, I’m with you.” But then on the side I’m like, “dear God, I’m sorry I live with this devil. “I don’t know how this heathen got in my bed. “If we die at the same time, “I’m totally cool with splitting up. “Send her where you gotta send her, big guy. I’m coming with you.” But my little girl wanted to go, and it makes sense, ’cause the church is the coolest building in the neighborhood, isn’t it? It’s got spires and rainbow windows and bells ringing. She’s like, “I want to see the show that goes on in there.” I was like, “all right, let’s go. “Let’s get dressed up and go to church. I’ll take you.” It felt right. Like when I was a kid. So I put on the suit and tie. She dressed up like a little girl’s version of a woman, which is hilarious… Little lipstick, you know? Everything’s poofy. Poofy dress, poofy socks. Little heels this big. She can’t even walk. She’s like a Billy Goat on ice, just… But she thinks she’s hot ’cause she’s carrying a purse filled with chapstick and pennies, you know. And I feel great too, ’cause I’m walking with the cutest puppy on earth. Everybody that comes by, “she’s so cute.” And I milk it, I’m like, “I know. “We don’t have time for this. We’re on our way to church. We’re filled with goodness.” Every Sunday. And we were having a great time. We were having a little date. She’s yapping. We’re holding hands. It’s a great time. And she gets up the church steps. The doors open. She freezes. Starts digging into my hand. She’s shaking like a leaf. She’s looking up at the giant, bloody catholic Jesus hanging from the ceiling. And I realize we never told her the stories. She’s looking at me like, “this is a haunted house.” And we sit in the pew, it’s all creaky and old, and old people are petting her. “Hello, little girl.” She’s holding her purse like a roller coaster rail. Just two eyes. Terrified. And it is a haunted house. You look through her eyes, and the rainbow windows from the outside tell the story of how he died, so it’s someone being stepped on and stabbed. And big thing where they christen the babies. “Daddy, what’s that?” “That’s where we dunk babies underwater their first time here.” Then this old lady gets up and starts crossing the altar on the way to the organ. I was like, “no, not the organ. This is not gonna go well.” And to say she’s old is a compliment. Shoulda been dead for years. It was like a wicked witch made out of beef jerky. She gets up to that organ. She reaches out her old lady talons. The veins are coming off like she’s been attacked with silly string. She hits that organ. Bom bom! All I hear next to me is, “I wanna go now. I don’t like it here.” Minnie Mouse is losing her marbles. Bom! I start laughing, I start that uncontrollable, you’re not allowed to laugh but you’re laughing, so now you’re snorting. “Let’s get out of here.””” Bom bom! Then the headliner comes out. The priest comes down the aisle. I swear to you, he looked like Dracula. Long head, the hair all greased back, and he’s in his robe, so it doesn’t even look like he’s walking. He’s floating down the aisle. They’re doing the whole smoke show in front of him, he’s… He gets to the microphone. “Velcome, everybody. Velcome.” I fall out. I am laughing out loud. I’m laughing. She’s crying. People are turning and shaking their heads. We gotta go. We gotta go now, before this gets any scarier. Before he starts talking about drinking the blood of Christ, let’s beat it. So we go running out the aisle. We get outside. Outside, birds are chirping, sun’s shining. We sit on the steps, look at each other, just start laughing like, “what the hell was that?” And, look, I don’t know what god is or that spirit thing that we’re always chasing, but whatever it is we were so much closer to it on the sidewalk together than whatever was going on inside that haunted house. But we’re not giving up. We’re going to a black church next time. ‘Cause that’s where God really lives. Thank you guys so much. You guys were a wonderful crowd. Thank you.

1686242777-370

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tom Papa: Human Mule (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-human-mule-transcript/

aired December 2016 [plodding music] ♪ Please welcome to the stage Tom Papa. [cheers and applause] Thank you. [cheers and applause continue] Cleveland. Thank you so much. You guys look great. Cleveland, Ohio. [crowd cheering] That’s why I’m here: good people, the best people. So great. Good to see you. Thank you for coming out. Look at you. [cheers and applause] Look at you. You made a little plan for yourself. And you stuck with it. You didn’t cancel. I know you wanted to cancel. I know it. I know it. I almost did too. [laughter] Texting each other, “We still gonna go to the thing?” “Yeah. Don’t you want to go?” “No, I do. I’m just seeing if there’s any weakness on your part.” I will tear this night down. [laughs] [applause] Be home with my pants off all night. That’s all you want. You just want to be home with your pants off. Oh, it’s the best feeling in the world. And you only get it if you cancel. Oh, there’s no better feeling in the world than canceling. Oh! It’s the best! Just going from “I have to do something” to “I’m not doing anything.” Oh, what a dream. Canceling dinner plans with another couple? Oh, heaven. “You think we can cancel on ’em?” “Yes. “I don’t have to listen to him talk or watch her chew. Yes.” Oh, canceling the gym? Oh, that one’s sweet. You don’t even have to call anyone. Just do it in your head. “I’m not going.” Done. [applause] Oh, it’s the best. Snow days? Remember snow days? Oh! It’s the best. God canceling everything on everybody. More powerful than your parents. “I want to go to school, but I can’t. God won’t let us.” [laughter] Yeah, it’s a hard thing, not to cancel, and you didn’t cancel, and you made it, and it means a lot, and I thank you. [cheers and applause] Sincerely. What else you gonna do, really? What are you gonna do, stay home? Watch the news? Watch more news? You gonna watch more news? That’s a treat. Now, are you scared? Are you guys scared? Everybody’s scared now. Are you scared? Yeah? ‘Cause you watch too much news. Turn it off. Go to a show. Look, some things are scary. I’ll give it to you. Uh, no grown-ups left, that’s kind of scary. There’s no one left to fight the bad guys. There’s adult coloring books now. Adult coloring books. And they’re popular. I saw a man–a man– a grown man– on the floor of an airport. A man laying on his stomach on the floor of an airport, just coloring, just– Why even wear pants? Why? You’re not a man. You’re a baby man. My friend’s like, “No, Tom, you don’t understand. “They are adult. I have one. It’s a ‘Game of Thrones’ coloring book.” My apologies. I thought it was something childish, like “The Hobbit.” I didn’t know it was “Game of Thrones.” That must be hard, with all the snow in that show. Having to use the white crayon? You never really know if it’s working or not. No one can deal. How about these people with the fake service dogs? You see these creeps? Fake service– there’s real service dogs that help real people. Then a girl shows up with a Pekinese sticking out of a Hello Kitty handbag and acts like it’s working. And how little do you have to think of yourself to scam a certificate and show it at the gate? “I have to have this puppy with me on this flight, or I’m gonna lose my marbles.” “Oh, by all means. Welcome aboard.” What could possibly go wrong with your crazy ass… at 40,000 feet? I got on a flight the end of last year. There was a woman next to me. I’m not making any of this up. Middle seat. She turned to me, and she had a Chihuahua in a BabyBjorn. I swear to–head, penis, legs, and dog arms. The look of humiliation in this animal’s face… He was just like, “I apologize. “We normally walk. “We’ve been walking up till now. “I’m gonna have to get pants. “This is upsett– I can’t reach.” [laughs] [sighs] Look, it’s easy to scare human beings. We scare easy. We’re a timid creature, you know? We–my wife is one of those people that gets frightened in restaurants if you don’t give her exact directions to the bathroom. You have these people in your life? “Where is it? Where?” “It’s back there, to the right.” “But where? Has anyone gone? Has anyone gone?” “No, just follow a wall. You’ll get there.” Seriously, has anyone not come back? Has anyone not come back? “I miss Grandpa.” “Me too.” “We shouldn’t have taken him to the Applebee’s and let him go by himself.” [laughs] Look, you get scared, but keep your eye on the ball. You know, you have to have perspective. Are you afraid of ISIS? You think ISIS is coming to your house? Are they coming to your house? No. Keep your eye on the ball. There’s so many other ways you could die. [laughter] You drove here tonight. You made it here. You still got to get back. These roads are crazy. You should be scared of moms in Honda Odysseys. That’s who you should be scared of, not some guy dressed up like a ninja from Party City running around Yemen. Keep it in perspective. Look, life is stressful. It’s hard being a human being. It’s hard. It’s hard getting through life. I understand. I had a hard day today as well. My whole day today was spent trying not to eat nachos. That was my whole day. No, they’re bad for me, I shouldn’t eat them, and I can’t stop. And I ate them again. I ate them again. Gas station nachos today. [crowd groans] Oh, back off. Your fancy Cleveland farm-to-table nacho attitude. [cheers and applause] You think a drug addict cares where he gets his drugs? No. He just gets them, and he puts them in his body. Look, I’m not an animal. I didn’t wake up and say, “I’m eating nachos today.” I woke up. I said, “No, today’s the day. No nachos. We’re not doing it.” But that’s a different guy making those decisions. That’s Morning Tom who says those things. Oh, no, you’d like Morning Tom. He’s a winner. He’s a winner. Oh, Morning Tom, he puts on workout clothes, returns emails, makes fruit smoothies. Fruit smoothies. Gets a blender, puts in protein powder. Neeeeeeeee! Stare down my weak family eating Fruit Loops. Neeeeeeee! “You guys are losers. You know that, right? “All three of you. You’re looking at a winner right here.” We all are in the morning. There’s a different you coming out right now. In the morning, you’re clear-eyed and focused. That’s why you never hit on anyone in the morning. You got to wait till late at night, when they’re confused and tired. They got to lay down somewhere; might as well be with you. [cheers and applause] No one has ever gotten laid in the history of mankind at the breakfast buffet. “I’ll be back for waffles.” But that’s okay. That’s all right, you know? Problem is, morning time doesn’t last very long. Passes out around 2:00. And the guy that wakes up in his place is a very different guy. He is not a winner. That guys is not–he’s an alcoholic, is what he is. Takes that same blender and fills it up with margarita mix and tequila. [cheers and applause] Yeah. [laughs] Now my kids are looking at me. “Who’s the loser now?” Drunk at 3:00. And he’s a liar. He’ll say anything to get me to drink, anything. “Come on. Just have one. “Have one. You deserve it. You deserve it.” That’s all I got to hear. “Yeah, you’re right. I do deserve it. “Yeah, I worked hard this week. I fixed the toilet too. “You don’t hear that running anymore, no. “I did that. “I took the lid off the back. “I put my hand in that creepy water. “I touched the chain with the grass on it. “I did that. “And it’s fixed. “It’s gonna stay fixed… “as long as you use the other bathroom. “Just use the other toilet. I’m not sure what the hell I did.” [laughs] And then he–please. Then he just comes at you. “Come on. Come on. “If you have one, you gonna stop at one? “You can’t stop at one. You think Sinatra ever stopped at one?” “Yeah, you’re right. “I’m just like Sinatra too, “without the songs and the money. All right.” And then three hours later, I’m just wandering around my house drunk, with a phone in my hand. “I wonder if Panda Express makes nachos.” But that’s okay. You have to have perspective in your life. You have to enjoy yourself. You can’t work crazy all the time. What difference does it make? You got to enjoy yourself. You know, if you worked all the time, what would be different? Nothing. Nothing. At this point in your life, don’t you realize how much you’re going to affect the world? Don’t you realize… [laughter] What you’re going to accomplish? Calm down. [cheers and applause] Really. And that’s all right. Don’t compare yourself to the people who change the world. They’re freaks, genetic freaks. Steve Jobs, Edison– freaks. First of all, no sleep. No sleep. Three hours of sleep a night, those guys. Three. I’m out. I’m out. I need a lot of sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, my first thought is, “I don’t think I can get a nap today.” I don’t even know if I’m tired. I don’t even know if I slept last night. I haven’t even opened my eyes. I know I peed five times. I don’t know if I REM’d out at the end. And it’s not a lazy thing; it’s a genetic condition. I come from a long line of nappers. The Papa family naps. My whole childhood was waking up adults to ask them stuff. They would just lay around the living room like a pile of sea lions. [laughter] “Dad, Dad. “Dad. Can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “Grandma, Grandma, can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “She moved her whiskers. That’s yes. Let’s go.” [laughs] And so what? So you don’t work all the time. What’s gonna happen? How’s your life gonna change? What, you’re not gonna be part of the super-rich? Is that what’s gonna happen? [muttering] First of all, that shouldn’t be a goal. It doesn’t change your life at all. And second of all, the list of people with all the money shrinks every year. It’s down to ten people now. In two years, it’s gonna be, like, Bob. Bob has all the money. Everybody, just sleep in. Take the whole summer off. Bob’s got all the money. And it shouldn’t be a goal. It’s just this abstract thing that you just keep chasing, you know? I’ve–personally, never a goal. I don’t need a lot of money. I can live a poet’s life. I really, sincerely could. Don’t need money. Don’t need stuff. Always giving it away. I could move every week. I really could. But, uh, I do not live alone. [chuckles] I’m married, and I have two children, and they are greedy, capitalist pigs. [laughter and applause] “More, more, more.” “Whaaa.” “I want food with every meal.” “Whaaa.” So I work hard. All my money goes to them. Every damn penny goes to these people. I live in a horrible school district in L.A. now, and it was either pay for school or guns and ammo. And they have no skills or coordination, so I’m paying for school. Goes against everything I believe in, but I’m paying for school. My only rule for paying for school is, I won’t pay for any school that is predominantly Asian. Why? Why would I pay all of that money for my kids to be last in everything? We can’t compete. These families are dominant. They kick ass. We can’t compete. They’re straight-A students. These kids play five instruments, five. They’re walking to school. They have an oboe and a violin and a drum kit. The dad’s pushing a baby grand piano across the parking lot. My kids play the toilet paper roll. Literally, we just walk around the house. [imitating horn playing music] “I think you got it, honey.” [imitating horn] “I don’t think you have to practice anymore. “Get some Pop-Tarts. Sit on the couch. Enjoy your life.” They beat us everywhere we go. I put the little one on the swim team. I figure we have a chance there, right? Let’s go to the pool. That’s an Asian-free zone. Let’s try it. Not anymore. They dominated every other sport. Now they’re at the pool. But my kid’s big. She’s got a back like Michael Phelps. I’m like, “We can take ’em. Come on. We can do this.” They hit the gun. Their kids took off like speed boats. My kid, two strokes, drowned right in their wake. We scooped her out, resuscitated her, put her right back on the couch. And we quit that night. We quit that night. She was like, “I thought we’re not allowed to quit things, Dad.” “Yeah, well, I’m not gonna be humiliated “like that again. “I’m not gonna ruin my Saturdays “and sit through that. “Yeah, you lay there “and think about what you might be good at, and we’ll try again.” [laughs] Now–so I’m not gonna be part of the super-rich, and I have news for you. Uh, you’re not either. [laughter] They don’t do this. They don’t come out to the ass end of Cleveland, sit in the dark, and listen to jokes. [cheers and applause] They do different things. They summer. They summer. They summer. Do you summer? I don’t summer. Summer happens, and I deal with it. Just stay in the shade and walk slow. No, they buy all white, a whole white wardrobe on Memorial Day to go summer. I can’t wear white. I bought a white shirt last year. I sweat through it in 20 minutes. It looked like I was smuggling turkey gravy under my armpits. Yeah, I should have thrown it out, but I spent 20 bucks for it at Old Navy. I’m gonna wear it. I just kept my arms in the reason of the season. No, we don’t summer. We don’t wear all white. My family doesn’t have parties in the middle of a wheat field. We don’t have a dining room table in the middle of a field where food just falls from the heavens and everyone’s beautiful and the dad stands up and quotes Shakespeare and everybody laughs, ’cause they get it. That is not my family. We go to my sister’s picnic table. We eat egg salad sandwiches. We push Grandma in the kiddie pool, and her tit pops out. That’s what we laugh at. That’s what we get. “Oh, Grandma, your titteth has poppethed out. To be or not to be in a home.” I say we keep her. She’s hilarious. Puts sponges in the toaster. Who does that? [laughs] Look, there’s nothing wrong with making money, right? You want to make money. You have to make money. I’m not saying you want to be poor. We’ve all been there, right? When I started comedy out of college, I made five bucks a night, five, in New York. I needed the money. It was fun times, but everything smelled like hot dogs, everything. I did. My girlfriend did. It was like, “Are we making hot dogs again?” “No, that’s us. We got to get jobs. This is not working out. We smell weird.” But how much is enough? You know what I mean? How much is enough? Do you really need a mansion? Who needs a mansion? Who needs a mansion? If you have 80 children, you should have a mansion, right? If you have 80 children, you need that square footage. You know what these places look like, ’cause they come in the beautiful real estate section of the Sunday paper, this beautiful magazine filled with mansions. Why? Why are you putting that in the poor people newspaper? Who’s couponing and looking for a mansion in the same paper? [cheers and applause] They always have those perfect kitchens, the beautiful island with a fruit bowl with a pyramid of perfect green apples. You eat one. A new one just appears out of nowhere, ’cause they have an apple boy. They have an apple boy. Just sits under the kitchen sink and waits. I’ve never even bought a fruit bowl. Have you ever bought a fruit bowl? No. You buy fruit. You need a bowl. You just pick it out of the other bowls. Congratulations, bowl. You’ve been nominated. Say good-bye to your friends. You’re the fruit bowl. And fruit isn’t even the main thing in the fruit bowl. It’s mostly car keys and pennies and garlic skin. One black banana from 1995. No one wants to pick it up, ’cause you know it’s gonna split. So if you have a lot of money and you help people, that’s one thing, but the culture’s devolved into this “I’m better than you” attitude just to have stuff. You know people in your family and friends who just mortgage it, lease it just to say, “I’m better than you,” even if they don’t have it. “Just look at what I have. “Look at my car. It’s newer than yours. “Look at my wife. She’s newer than yours. “She might be older, but she has all new parts. “Where do you shop? The regular supermarket? “That’s disgusting. “I can tell from your skin, “’cause it’s splotchy and gross. “No, I respect it. I just can’t do it. “I only shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. “That’s where I get my conflict-free M&Ms. Naaah. Naaah.” I’m done with the Whole Foods. I’m done with it. I like eating healthy. I do. But you have to be a billionaire to eat healthy? I’m not spending five bucks on an apple ’cause you thought it was a good idea to ship it from Vermont by bicycle. “Then where you gonna get your kale? How you gonna get your kale?” I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t even know what it is. My grandmother never made it. My mother never saw it. It just showed up, like, a week and a half ago. But it’s here now, and you got to eat it. Well, how do I know what it is? ‘Cause it takes like mulch, and you feel like a koala bear when you’re chewing on it. “Are you supposed to eat the stem? Oh, okay.” Hard to tell the eat part from the throw-out part. They get up to the register. They put on a whole show about their bags. “I have my own bags. “I want everyone here to know “I wouldn’t use their bags. “I am an angel sent from heaven. “I wove my own bags out of human hair and seaweed.” Get over yourself. These people have driven me to Costco. That’s the only place I shop now. I go to Costco. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Yeah. No one acts like they’re better than you at Costco. Everyone knows exactly who they are at Costco. “I’m disgusting, and I need more stuff immediately. “And I’m making one trip. I brought the big car. This is my only weekend out.” There’s a sense of community when you go to Costco, right? You can’t go there by yourself. You can drive there alone. You’re gonna have to make some friends on your way in. You can’t get a 25-pound salami on your back by yourself. Trying to throw it in your cart like the Scottish strongman competition. The place is so massive, they got to hand out little samples in cups to keep up your strength. It’s like a white trash marathon in that place. “Here’s a fried baloney ball. You’re doing great.” [applause] “There’s fried chicken popsicles, aisle ten. You’ll get there by Tuesday if you keep up the pace.” [chuckles] You get to the register. No one’s talking about bags at Costco. They don’t even have bags. They have boxes with holes in it. “There was a dead pig in this yesterday. “I don’t know if that bothers you. “The cardboard’s a little wet. He was a bleeder.” And they know they’re not gonna live forever at Costco. They have coffins at the door. They literally sell coffins at the door, which sounds absurd until you look in your cart filled with Cheez-Its and Slim Jims. You’re like, “How much longer can I live like this? “Seriously? “You know what? Today’s the day. “I’m buying a coffin today. “You know what? Give me the coffin. “I’m gonna use it as my box. Put all my stuff in there.” Wheel it– [laughs] Look, I don’t even blame you if you’re one of the Costco people or the Whole Foods people. It’s not even up to you anymore, right? You go to a store once, they take so much information from you, you end up in this long-term relationship with these companies. Back off. I deal with human beings. That’s enough. I’m not dating you, CVS. Every time I go to CVS, “Do you have your card? “Do you have your CVS card? Do you have your card?” “No, for the tenth time this week. No, I don’t have a card.” “You don’t have a card? “This man doesn’t have a card! “This man doesn’t have a card. You’ve got to join us.” People coming out of the back, “Join us. Join us.” “No, I don’t want to join you. “I don’t want anything on my keychain. “I didn’t want to make eye contact with you, frankly. “I just want to sneak in here, get this ointment, go home, and deal with this.” [laughter] [applause] “Do you take money? “I’ll pay you money. “I’ll pay you double if you let me leave. “I should be home with my pants off, solving this problem right now.” When you don’t join up, they act like a psychotic girlfriend on your way out. “Well, how about your email or your phone number? “We’re not gonna use it; we just want to have it. “We just want to smell it when you’re not here, ’cause we love you.” Back off. Check into the hotel, “Welcome back, Tom.” “Whoa, what do you mean, ‘welcome back’? “You don’t know me. “That’s why I stay with you. You don’t know me. “I know people in town. I don’t stay with them. “They know me. “This is our relationship: “I come in late at night, “I do weird stuff to your towels, “and I leave in the morning. Forget my name.” Every restaurant, they can’t just come up to your table now. They got to bounce up there. “You guys ever eaten here before? You guys ever eaten in an Outback Steakhouse before?” Just lie. “Yeah, I’ve been here before.” They leave, and they get your drink. My wife likes to be honest. “No, I’ve never been in one of these before. What’s gonna happen?” He’s gonna do a show. He’s gonna do a goddamn show. “Let me tell you how it works. “We’re a little crazy at the Outback Steakhouse. “You think you’ve been eating your whole life, “chewing and swallowing? “That’s not what we do here. “You order your appetizer, bring out a cannon, and we shoot it right in your face.” They all have their own credit card now. “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “What?” “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “No, I don’t have a chicken credit card in my wallet “with a picture of a plantation owner on the side.” “Well, I could save you 15% of your purchase right now if you apply for a KFC MasterCard.” “Yeah, I’m sure the 25 people behind me “wouldn’t mind me filling out some paperwork and running a credit check during their lunch half-hour.” I don’t care about 15% of $8. I don’t care. I just want to sit in the parking lot by myself, eat it quickly before my wife comes out of Banana Republic and sees I’m not following doctor’s orders. Move it. “But if you don’t use the cards, “you’re not gonna get your points. “If you don’t get points, you won’t have status. Don’t you want status?” Don’t fall for it. Don’t fall for it. There’s no such thing as status. It’s all illusion. They try and fool you. Doesn’t matter how many points you have, where you fly on the plane, what you drive. We’re all exactly the same: horrible animals running around in pants, trying to keep ourselves busy, fighting the overwhelming urge to mount each other and make smaller versions of ourselves. [laughter and applause] All the same. But they try and fool ya, right? Flying here, “Okay, we’re gonna board your flight now. “Not everybody. Sit down. “Not all at once, you maniacs. “There’s some special people here “getting on that plane first, ’cause they have status. “We’re gonna start off with our diamond-crusted, “gold-plated, carbon fiber-based, Teflon-coated, “premier, elite-access, super-duper Douchebag Flying Guy Club.” And the whole place stands up. Everybody has it. How special is it? There’s one guy in the other lane with a crooked leg and a cane. “I have no status at all.” And he walks funny, so they board him first anyway. I travel a lot. I travel all the time. I was traveling a lot last year, and I took my family out with me. Figured that would be a good thing. That was– what do you call that? A mistake. That’s a mistake. That is not a good thing. You realize when you travel with your family, you don’t really know these people all that well. When you’re home, you’re like bees in and out of a hive. You don’t really hang out. And then you wake up that first morning in a hotel room just looking at each other. [chuckles] “You guys are pretty weird, right? “Does the little one always do that? “I didn’t even know we had her. She doesn’t look like any of us.” Big moment this year, though, during the travels. The kids, for the first time in their lives, wheeled their own luggage. Huge, huge milestone. ‘Cause look– yeah, it’s big. It’s a big deal. [applause] Look, I’ve made my own people, right? I’ve made my own people. I’ve made two people, and I am their leader. I am their leader. So when they want to go somewhere, I have to plan it, because they don’t know where anything is. They think New York and L.A. are right next to each other. I have to pay for everything, ’cause they have no money or skills of any kind. But for years, I would have to carry everything that they owned, like a mule, like a human mule. They would literally load everything on my back and then sit on top of the pile like a small Peruvian lady, and I would just walk through the airport with canteens hitting my legs, just standing at the gate with flies in my eyes. And sometimes you see a donkey with flies in his eyes and you think, “Why doesn’t he get those flies out of his eyes?” Now I know. I’ve seen a donkey’s soul. He doesn’t care about the flies. He hopes the fly eats through his eye and devours the part of his brain that feels and remembers. Oh, but this year, the handle went up, and they just walked ahead. I was crying in the airport, I was so happy. Still can’t pack, though. We got to the hotel. The only thing there was a Curious George and some magnets. Really? Two week’s vacation. You thought that was gonna do it. All right. Hope you like that bathing suit. You’re gonna wear it a lot. And I’m still learning about my wife, still learning about my wife. Oh, I married a talker. I married a talker. 16 years together. Still coming up with new stuff to say every goddamn day. She starts from the minute she gets up till about a half-hour after she falls asleep. Just talks… She’ll talk to anybody. The housekeeper at the hotel doesn’t speak any English at all. My wife doesn’t care. “Then my mother said she didn’t like my hair. Can you believe that?” This poor woman’s like, “Oh, no. Terrible.” Then we come home. She starts talking to the cats. Cats, they don’t speak any language at all. My wife just sees two ears, like, “I should fill those with talking noises. “How many times have I told you not to go on the counter? We talk about this every day.” Cat’s like, “Meow, meow. That’s terrible. Meow.” [laughs] Went to Disney for the first time, a trip to Disney. That was, uh– that was rough. That was rough. That is not a good place. They call it “the happiest place on Earth.” For who? For who? Ugh! Look, I love the idea. I love the idea that this man created something out of his own head. He just wanted to create a nice little place where families can go and kids can let their imagination run wild and feel safe for a couple hours in this horrible world. Beautiful idea. But what he couldn’t foresee when he was developing it in 1950 was the type of people it was going to attract in 2016 in the United States of America, ’cause they didn’t make these kind of people back then. There weren’t dinosaur-sized people stomping through the park with their elephant children attached to their tail… Pushing the biggest strollers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea John Deere made strollers. One woman had five kids in it. Fi–I never–I don’t know what you even call that. A pentalometer? A jumbotron? Five pumpkin-faced kids eating cheeseburgers, and she’s plowing through the crowd, knocking other families out of the way like tumbleweeds just so she can get to the churro stand first. Then there are people there, women, who have no children at all, who want to be a princess themselves. Grown women who want to be a princess. They want to dress like Cinderella, but they don’t make a Cinderella dress for someone 48 years old, 6’5″, 380. They never had a meeting and said, “Let’s make more of those.” Does that stop them? No, it does not. They buy that dress. They stuff everything they have into it, and a lot doesn’t fit. There’s a lot of extra hanging over the sides. But that’s okay. They’re happy there. They have their autograph book and their wand, and they skip through the park. Fine. Honestly, I didn’t think I was gonna fall for it. I didn’t. I didn’t think we were gonna do. I didn’t. But once you make your own people, the ads just find you. Every time you open your phone, open your laptop, turn on TV, there they are, just selling you joy and perfection, right? Every time you turn it on, the mom and dad are beautiful, perfect teeth and hair, clothes. “I love you.” “No, I love you.” “You’re beautiful.” “No, you’re beautiful.” “Our kids are beautiful.” And the kids are holding Mickey’s hand, looking back at the parents. “Thanks, Mom and Dad, for not being stupid and poor.” I’ll admit it; I wanted to be that family. I wanted to be that family. We were not that family. We didn’t come close. We were not perfect. We were sweaty and pissed off and cursing in front of the children. “This is your damn fault. “If your parents didn’t raise you like an animal, we would have left a little bit earlier.” And the kids don’t even hear us, ’cause they’re slapping each other in the face. And we haven’t even parked yet. We haven’t even parked. We’re still in the van. We’re pissed off ’cause we didn’t get to park in Mickey and Minnie parking. They sent us with that big hand to the ass end of Chip and Dale parking. That’s another tram ride we didn’t plan for. Then you get to the front of the park. I know it’s a cliché, but you get up there. You open your wallet. They take everything you got. Everything– every dollar, every coin, every credit card, gym memberships, pictures of your family, unused condoms. That mouse rapes you at the turnstile, and you have to plaster a smile on your face in front of your kids, ’cause you don’t want to ruin the happiest place on Earth. “It’s gonna be a great… day, guys. It’s really gonna be a lot of fun.” Then you get inside. It’s just line after line after line. I thought I was gonna beat it. I had the app on my phone. I’m like, “I’m gonna beat ’em.” No, you’re not beating Disney. I’m like, “Let’s go on the Peter Pan ride. “That’s a horrible ride from 1912. “Look, no one wants to even go on it. The line only goes back and forth two times.” Yeah, up here. Then they take you to the basement. It loops around for three days. Then they shoot you out the ass end. It goes around the Matterhorn 12 times. And it’s a bad ride. It’s a bad ride. Old cardboard cutouts, Christmas lights that don’t even work anymore. All the voices are jumbled. [distorted] “I’m Tinker Bell. I’m Tinker Bell.” 2 1/2 hours! Was it worth it? No. What would be worth it? Nothing. I get to the end of that line, there could be naked supermodels with bags of money and all-you-can-eat nachos. I’d be like, “No, not into it. You lied to me.” [chuckles] Here’s what I learned, though. Here’s what I learned. If you go ahead and go–and if you make your own people, you’re gonna have to go– you just want to go once. You want to go once, so you got to blow it out, make it all about the kids, go big. Give ’em your money. “Here’s $300 cash, kids. “Spend it the way you want to spend it. It’s your day.” And halfway up Main Street, they’ll be broke, ’cause they’re small, and they’re stupid and gullible. And they’re going to buy a lot of blinking stuff that’s not gonna work by the time they get outside. And now they’re laying in the gutter of Main Street like little Disney hobos, broken toys, crying, just yelling at the characters. “Get over here, duck, and shake your ass. I got nothing left.” Make sure you fill them with sugar, a lot of sugar. Make them tweak out on sugar. Don’t even have to wear sunblock. “How about that, kids? “You hate when I put it on you. “I don’t want to put it on you. “Don’t wear it. I bet you don’t even burn in Disney.” They do burn, especially when they’re little. They turn purple, and they start to blister. And now they’re crying. They got broken toys. They’re crashing on sugar. And this is when you walk ’em. You got to walk the hell out of ’em. Give ’em the map. “Anywhere you want to go.” “Oh, you want to go from the Cars ride “to It’s a Small World? “Sure, 20 miles apart. Let’s start walking.” Midnight rolls around. They’ve been on two rides the whole day. We’ll never go back again. My kids see that mouse now, they shake like they went to war with it. [applause] I like moving around, especially by myself. You get to see a lot of people, and it’s inspirational. You know, people are good, and they’re kind, and they look out for each other. And–yeah, I actually like people more the older I get. When I was younger, I didn’t like people so much, and now, you know, you realize, “We’re all the same, you know?” You pee on your own leg more than three times a week. You’re like, “How great am I?” You know? And that’s another thing I don’t understand about the wealth. I mean, what’s the thing? What’s the goal? To just get so much money, you isolate yourself from everybody else? Just go from your helicopter to your island and back to your place? Why? We’re only here once. You got to mix it up, you know? Look, I’m not Pollyannaish about it. I mean, sometimes I get around people in a crowd, I wish I had my own helicopter. Not just to fly away. I would turn it upside down and chop everyone’s head off. [laughter and applause] Sometimes. But for the most part, people are cool, and they look out for each other, and it’s nice, you know? And the only bad part: it only takes one person who doesn’t know how to act among us to ruin the good time of everyone else, some disgusting behavior, and it ruins the good time of everybody, ’cause they’re breaking the human contract, which is very simple. You’re abiding by it right now. So when we get around each other, just turn it down a notch. Don’t do publicly what you like to do privately. When you’re alone, it gets kind of weird. That’s okay. You’re an animal. There’s only so long you can not put a finger in one of your openings. That’s okay. Hey, you got a job to do. They don’t make tools for everything you got to get done. Fine. Right now, there’s someone in here that likes filling up his pants with Cheez Doodles and dancing around like a pretty pony. And he’s not doing it. He’s fighting the urge until he gets home. And we respect you for that, sir. We thank you. And I guarantee you it’s a sir. I guarantee you. These other people don’t care. They think the whole world centers around them, disgusting people. They just walk around peeing on things, farting everywhere, letting their dogs go all over your lawn, blowing their nose in the air. Have you ever been around that guy? What the hell? What is– what goes on in your head where you think, “I’ve got something in my nose” and the other part of your brain says, “Blow it out of your face now”? And they’re good at it, which means they practice. Awful people, disgusting people, the same people that curse in front of children, don’t give up their seat for old people, don’t hold the door open for women– awful people. They’re the same people that bring their own smelly-ass food on planes. They apparently think they’re flying alone, and they bring this smelly-ass food that they made in a disgusting laboratory they call a kitchen. Awful. You know who these people are, by the way, ’cause they’re the ones walking through the airport carrying their own pillow from their bed. That’s a psychopath. If you’re a grown-up and you take your pillow out of your bedroom, you better stop at the couch, and you better have the flu. You open the door and take it out into the world with you, you should be caught with a net, and we should never see you again. “Going on a big trip today. “What’s that? You’re so right, pillow. You’re so right.” Look, I don’t think there should be food on a plane at all. How about that, chubsy? How about that? Can you survive without a sandwich? Can you do it? During the Great Depression, we ate nothing but rusty nails and dirt for years. Can you make it to Boise without a sandwich? All right, maybe I’m insensitive. Maybe you have a tapeworm that needs feeding. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on inside your gut. But then be nice, something non-offensive. How about an apple, maybe some trail mix? The last flight I was on, a guy broke out a tuna fish and dead skunk ass sandwich. I don’t know what part of Whole Foods has that, but this guy found it, chopped it up with tuna and mayo, and put it on rye. And he waited till the doors were shut and we’re at 10,000 feet. He released this stink bomb like it was a planned attack. You ever smell something so bad that you just get confused? Your head snaps back. You make little circles with your hands. You just blurt something out. “Roosevelt!” [panting] “Just keep breathing out. Just breathe out, out.” “It’s too late. I breathed in. It’s in me. I breathed in. I messed up. It’s in me. I can taste it. I can taste it.” People were opening their air vents just to get air from somewhere else. “Oh! Oh! I don’t care if it’s from the engine. Oh!” People were putting their faces in strangers’ armpits for relief. You know what kills me about these situations? All the good people, the social tension of all the nice, cool people. How many other people on the flight? 200? 300 people? So nice, so kind. They don’t even complain. They just sit there and suffer in silence. You’ve never been in that situation and have a guy pop up at the back. “Are you kidding me? “No, honey, let me go. This has to be said. “7:00 in the morning, skunk ass. “Screw you! Oh, I’m the bad guy. All right, all right.” [cheers and applause] Never. The most you get, people just roll their eyes and whisper. “Pee-yew, he smells. I think it’s skunk ass. I would never do that. That’s terrible.” I’ve got two people that I made. I’ve got two kids. And they’re going through a weird phase. I don’t know if it’s a weird phase. It’s just–my kids are finally realizing I’m not as great as they thought. You know what I mean? Like, for years, I was their god. They were amazed by everything I did. “He gets food. I don’t know how he does it.” “That’s nothing; I saw him lift a chair over his head by himself.” “Wow!” “I know!” The other day, I was yelling at ’em. I mixed up their names. They shot me a look like, “Oh. Maybe our leader’s an idiot. Maybe he’s not kidding when he says he can’t help with our math homework.” And they’re not wrong. I can’t help them anymore. I don’t understand it. But I have to act like it’s a parenting decision for my own ego. They’ll be like, “Dad, can you help me with my math homework?” “No, I’m not giving you the answers. This is between you and your teacher. Work it out.” Then I’m in the bathroom on YouTube, “How do you add fractions with different bottoms? “Oh, you just got to make them the same.” “How?” “Uh…” [laughs] [sighs] My daughter got in the car the other day. She reached over my shoulder. She hit the radio. A whole Taylor Swift station came on that she reprogrammed herself. I’m like, “No, when did you do that?” And I change it. A Katy Perry station comes on. She hijacked the whole radio. I’m like, “When did you do that?” She’s like, “Don’t worry about it. Just make it louder.” Could you imagine? I couldn’t imagine, as a child, getting in my father’s car, demanding my music, and then, “Louder. Lower. A little louder. Right there, Chief. Right there.” When I eventually came out of my coma, they would have told me a story of how arrogant I was and why I lost five years of my life when I was hit in the head with a pipe. And as the only man in my house, it’s my job to maintain my importance in the family by teaching my daughters that there are no great guys. That’s my job: to teach my daughters there are no great guys. [scattered applause] Yeah, I believe it. Yeah, there’s a lot of guys applauding that. You know. There’s no great guys. If you think you’re with a great guy tonight, you’re not. Look, American men are as great as you’re gonna get. We fight for equality, and we push strollers. We wear diaper bags. We tell you we want equal pay. But keep in mind it’s an act. It’s an act. Because inside all of us is a 16h-century man who wants to burn the village to the ground. He’s always in there, so just keep that in mind. If you have a man, you have a wild animal. This is a wild animal, so use him wisely. You’re in control, so don’t do stupid things with your man. Don’t ask us to do certain things. Don’t be stupid. Don’t ask us to watch the children. What are you doing? We’re not really watching the children, not the way you watch the children. We watch them eat bottle caps and fall down stairs. And we laugh. Don’t ask me to shop with my 13-year-old. I shouldn’t be shopping for clothes. I shouldn’t be in Forever 21, waiting for my daughter to come out of the dressing room. No one there knows I have a daughter in the dressing room. They just see a sweaty, uncomfortable man breathing heavy by himself next to the bras and panties. And I shouldn’t pick the young one up from gymnastics. No dad should be picking up his daughter from gymnastics. I shouldn’t be hanging out with the other moms, waiting for it to be over. They’re all talking about juice boxes and play dates. All I’m thinking is, “Which one of these moms would I have sex with first?” I’m being honest. That’s where our head goes. Not which one would I have sex with, by the way, ’cause I’d have sex with all of them. The weird one, the one with the thing on her eye, I’ll make it work. I can make it work. But which one first, while I’ve got the energy? That’s my job, try and give them lessons, but it’s hard, because the real world starts coming in, right? And they start learning about the real world. I try to protect them, but they start learning about all the good and the bad that’s out in the world, and it’s funny in my house, ’cause they’re learning about it at different rates. You know, like, we learned about Thanksgiving, and the little one’s like, “Oh, we love Thanksgiving. “We love the Indians. We gave them our buckle hats and our shoes and a turkey, and they gave us some feathers and some mashed potatoes, and we had dinner with them, and they love us, and we love them.” And the 13-year-old’s just leaning against the refrigerator. “What’s this Trail of Tears I’m hearing about? We took their land and then moved them out west, then took their land again and then killed them all?” And the little one’s like, “It’s not the same Indians, right, Dad?” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s the same Indians.” She’s like, “Why did we do that?” “Oh, easy with the ‘we,’ first of all. We’re the Papas. We’re Italian. We got here in 1945. We eat spaghettis and ride Vespas. We’re lovers.” [laughs] But it’s hopeful to see this generation, ’cause they just–they just– you know, they’re more tolerant, and it’s not even tolerant; they don’t have to tolerate it. They don’t even know that things are bad or that they hate each other. They’re just nice and nice people, and it’s very hopeful. They don’t even see race. They don’t say “black people” or “white people.” They just say “darker” or “much darker” or “whiter” or “much whiter” or “gross.” That’s how they talk. The first time my daughter ever heard about race, she saw “The Jackie Robinson Story,” and that really blew her away. She’s like, “Wait a minute. “Are you telling me that white people had to let the black people play baseball?” I was like, “Yeah, that’s how it happened for a while.” She’s like, “No, no, no way. “Isn’t it the black people who let the white people play sports?” [applause] She’s like–she’s like, “‘Cause I’ve seen some of our white people play basketball. We shouldn’t do that.” And I’m like, “Yeah, they let us play once in a while. “They also let us make music, and that’s where country comes from.” [laughs] The only reason I want a son is because that’s the only thing ruining our good time on the planet. The only time someone loses it and does something awful, 100% of the time, it’s a guy. And I don’t get it, ’cause I was a man… for a while. I was, before I built this vagina tribe that I live in. You really can’t be a man in the vagina tribe. You can’t. I watch the play-offs, but people are putting bows in my hair and doing my nails at the same time. No, angry young men, I really don’t get it. Just calm down, guys. Calm down. You feel like a loser? That’s okay. We all do. We all do. You’re not missing out on anything. We’re all losers. We’re human beings. You get little moments of victories, and most of the time, you lose. That’s okay. That’s the way the whole world works. Travel all around. Everyone’s exactly the same. Thank God you’re not that happy, or I wouldn’t have a job. You’d just sit at home and call your friends. “Ha-ha ha ha ha. Life is wonderful.” No, you have to pay for your laughter, and I am your prostitute. [cheers and applause] It’s okay. I’m happy to do it. But come on. You’re a young man. Get your life in order. Just get anything. Get a guitar. Get a skateboard. Get a girl. Get a girl. You’re 19. Get an 18-year-old girl. That’s the only age that won’t sound creepy. 19, everything is working full bore. That’s not gonna last. You think everyone’s with supermodels? No. Lower the bar. Lower the bar. Any woman will soothe your soul. Go to a bowling alley. Go to a bowling alley. Go to the back of the bowling alley. There’s a deep fryer in the back of the bowling alley. There’s a girl working that deep fryer. That’s your girl. She’ll be a ton of fun. You’ll get fries and onion rings on the side. Get a cougar. That didn’t exist when I was 19. There weren’t hot, middle-aged women looking for young men to violate. They’re out there now in force. Go to any ladies’ night in any Holiday Inn in Any City, USA. Walk out on the dance floor. Push all the 50-year-old douche bags in their Tommy Bahama out of the way. Raise your arms. “I’m 19.” They will rape you on the dance floor. And look, there are angry young women out there. There’s a lot of angry young women. But they don’t blow stuff up. They just terrorize one guy at a time. They pick one guy out, and they just ruin his life. It’s not nice, but it’s better for the community as a whole. [laughs] But we’re gonna be just fine. And look, look. You have to vote for the right people that are gonna do the right things, and if they don’t do the right things, then you just get them out. That’s just the way it goes. Don’t stress about it. Move it along. That’s the way it goes, ’cause it’s their job. They got to deal with that stuff. We can’t do it. We’re busy. We’re busy, all right? I can’t go out and fight ISIS. My house is crazy. I got enough to deal with in my house, right? You got all your stuff to do. You got to watch LeBron run around. You’ve got to go to games. We’re busy. We’re busy people. I can’t fight ISIS. Neither can you. One of my cats just died. That’s what I’m dealing with. Yeah. Well, we had three, so two to go. No, I love cats. I love that level of intimacy. I wish my kids were more like cats. That would be perfect. Oh, my God. And please, if I could just leave food for them once a week and they brush against my leg to let me know they’re alive, perfect. Perfect. I don’t even know why we have these animals. Do you? It makes no sense. All these years of engineering and walls and electricity to keep nature out. Then we just open the door like a bouncer. “You two, come on in. No, not you, squirrel, you coke addict. Get out of here.” Then you have an animal just sitting on your counter, looking at you. I was watching TV the other day. My cat, looking at me, dropped its ass, back legs up, front paws, just started pulling itself straight at me, six feet across. Didn’t break eye contact the entire time. Stared me down. “That’s right. My ass in your carpet. What of it? What you gonna do about it, go in my box? I don’t think so. Who’s scooping it out? Not me. Never have, never will.” [cheers and applause] It’s a crazy house. 16 years putting this whole thing together, and it works. I wish you the same success. I really do. And the family is a good thing. 16 years in the family, 16 years with the same woman, the same person. Good thing. [cheers and applause] It’s good, and it works. But it’s time for a girlfriend. It’s definitely time for a girlfriend. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to my wife. It’s not fair to this woman to expect her to act like a girlfriend for this long; it’s not. Look, when you’re a girlfriend, you’re motivated. You’re excited to see that guy come home. My wife is not that good of an actress. This poor woman has watched me walk from the bedroom to the bathroom in the middle of the night, underwear hanging off my ass, banging into furniture in the dark, for 16 years. How could I expect her to be like, “Oh, goody, I hope he hurries back”? [cheers and applause] I’m out of stories. I’ve run out of stories. You ever hang out with a married couple, the guy starts telling a story, the wife just starts stirring her drink and rolling her eyes? “Here we go again. Blah, blah, blah. We’ve all heard it, Don. We’ve all heard it.” We’re entering that stage. I’m a comedian. She doesn’t think I’m funny. It’s time for a girlfriend. And look, I’m not gonna be sneaky about it. I’m not gonna cheat. I’m gonna sit her down. I’m gonna tell her my plans straight out. I’ll be like, “Look, I found a girl. “She’s young, and she’s dumb. She’s just what we need. She hasn’t heard any of my stories. She thinks I’m hilarious. She wants to fool around all the time. Don’t think of her as my girlfriend. Think of her as your assistant.” Thank you so much, Cleveland. You guys were wonderful. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause]

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Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great! (2020) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-youre-doing-great-transcript/

[applause, whooping] [presenter] Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Papa. [mouths] [whistling and cheering] [mouths] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Look at you. Look at you. New Jersey. [cheering] Yeah! That’s why I’m here. It’s the people. It’s definitely not the weather. It’s the people. Thank you so much for coming out. I’m proud of you. Good job getting out of the house. Good job. [applause] [chuckles] It’s nice to be back. It really is. I’ve been living in LA now. Uh. It’s a little scary. The planet doesn’t want us anymore. We’re on fire… all the time. My kids just run out on the lawn and catch ashes on their tongues, like it’s snowflakes. “Thank you, Santa.” I’m like, “Spit that out. It’s our neighbor’s house.” The planet doesn’t want any of us though, right? Everyone’s in trouble now. Houston got it a couple times, Florida… Uh. The Bahamas, Puerto Rico… How about the poor people in Staten Island? Oh, man. Could you imagine… having to live in Staten Island? [applause] There are people there right now… putting on their pajamas… knowing they’re going to wake up in Staten Island. And what are we doing? Just laughing, having a good time… like it’s not even going on. People in the Bahamas just had a fundraiser for the people in Staten Island. Thoughts and prayers, guys. But thank you for coming out. You look beautiful. I hope you’re doing alright. You look happy. I travel the whole country and everybody’s freaking out. Everywhere I go, people are doing deep yoga breaths in the airport. They’re downloading meditation apps on their phone, just trying to keep it together. Calm down, you’re doing great. You’re doing great. I’m telling you, you’re doing great. Life isn’t perfect. It never was, and it never will be. We’ve all got stuff to deal with. You’re doing great. So what, you’re fat. Who cares? We’re all fat. You’re either really fat, kind of fat, or trying not to be fat. Either way, fat’s coming. And that’s alright. Don’t hate on it. You know why you’re fat? Because you’re winners. Yeah, first generation, born at the right time, doesn’t have to fight for survival. Food always within arm’s reach, perfect temperature everywhere you go. Every day you wake up in America, it’s a perfect 72 and snacky. So, yeah, we’re going to be a little chubby. Big deal. Don’t hate on it. Don’t hate on it. Accept you. This is it, guys. You’re a grown-up. You’re an adult. This is what you ended up looking like. Game over. So, you don’t have the body of an Olympic athlete. Well… you’re not an Olympic athlete. You’re Don from Sales. You got a fat ass, you wear khakis, you hike them up when you walk. We still like ya. So, don’t tell me what you’re quitting. I don’t care. I don’t care what your low self-esteem… decided you should quit this week. “I’m quitting meat.” “I’m quitting gluten.” I don’t care. You’re my friend. You looked awful yesterday. You’re going to look a little worse tomorrow. Yeah. [whooping and applause] Why are we even talking about this? Let’s get some ice cream and enjoy the day. My wife quit sugar in January because she ate cookies like a monster… all through December, and on January 1st, came marching into the kitchen: “That’s it. I’m never eating sugar again.” [chuckling] “Yes, you are.” And you’re going to eat more than you ever ate before. Not because you’re weak, but because you’re a human being and you get sad sometimes. And to stop yourself from slitting your own throat, you eat a cookie once in a while. I have friends in my life that don’t eat bread anymore. They don’t eat bread. [slower] They don’t eat bread. They’re going to lose three and a half pounds. No one’s ever going to know. And they don’t eat bread. Why are you even here? [applause] Could you imagine? No toast in the morning with butter for the rest of your life? Kill yourself. Make some room for people who know how to live. I know it’s hard. I know, I feel the pressure too. Everyone in your face, telling you to do more, lose more weight, be better… I get it. I get it. They show you the ads for the gym, they show you to try to get you to join up, like the “Before” and “After” guy. I always like the “Before” guy, frankly. Yeah, he looks a little chubby. He also looks like he has a box of donuts and a lot of friends. That “After” guy’s got a weird look in his eye. Looks like he takes his shirt off when he shouldn’t. They’re always getting in our face: “Yeah, well, other generations were skinnier.” Yeah? Well, their lives were miserable. Gandhi didn’t look like Gandhi because he was killing it at SoulCycle. He had a horrible life. He wore a diaper and ate butterflies for lunch. Every show has a makeover segment on it now, right? They always take some woman, tell her she’s not good enough, and, therefore, no women watching are good enough. It’s always a mom… Always a mom. Just a worker. Right? Fifteen kids and 20 animals… driving around in her Cheerio-covered minivan. She didn’t think her life was going to go this way, no. She thought she was going to be a princess. That’s what they told her her whole life: “You’re a princess.” And on her wedding day, she thought she made it. They dressed her up like a snow queen. They took pictures of her next to the duck pond. She thought she did it. She woke up the next morning, they took her veil away, gave her some sweatpants and told her to get to work. [applause] But she doesn’t care. She loves this family, dedicates her life to these people. She’s an angel here on Earth. And what does her family do in return? They pop out of a pantry on national TV and scream in her face. ‘We’re giving you a makeover!” “I thought I looked okay.” “No, you’re disgusting. We had a meeting when you were making us lunch. We decided we’re not going to look at this anymore.” Then they drag her ass to The Today Show. They put her in clothes she could never afford or wear. She can’t wear heels this big. They’re going to get stuck in the field when she’s putting up the soccer nets. Hair and makeup she could never replicate on her own without an extra three hours in the morning before the school bus comes. This is the worst part: On national TV, she comes waddling out in her heels, trying not to fall. Her whole family’s in front of her, they start crying, in her face. “Oh my God, you’re beautiful. You look nothing like you.” Cut her a break. You’ve got to be nicer to each other. You’ve got to be nicer to yourself. This is hard. It’s hard what we’re doing, isn’t it? It’s hard being a person. Yeah. It’s hard. When I was little, I used to look at grown-ups with money and cars and think, “Wow, that looks fun. I can’t wait.” Then I was an adult for six weeks. I’m like, “This blows. “I have to pay for everything.” Just the physical maintenance of you every day, right? It’s endless. Just the brushing and cleaning and wiping… hopefully every day. It’s like you’re your own pet. And some people don’t take care of their pet very well. You see them on the sidewalk, their hair’s all matted, looks like they ate out of the garbage. “Where’s your collar, Dan?” “Aaah!” God. Just the check list of stuff you’ve got to do to get out of the house. I mean, look around tonight. Right? Look around. No one’s killing it in here. You look alright, but no one’s like, “Wow, look at that guy.” And still, to look like this took some doing, didn’t it? Yeah. You made choices, put things back… [chuckling] I was walking down Sixth Avenue in New York, this businessman walking the other way. So well thought out, everything immaculate: suit, tie, leather shoes match his briefcase… glasses… not a hair out of place. Fly open, one ball out. I understood. He did everything on the list, didn’t check that one box. Just on his way to a meeting. Probably on his way back from a meeting, actually. No, that’s the other thing. As an adult, nobody cares. Nobody helps you. Probably looked him in the eye in the meeting. “I’m not telling him, I got my own problems. I think I’m wearing my wife’s underwear today. I don’t know what the hell’s going on.” His wife probably kissed him goodbye in the morning. “So long, honey. What a jackass. He’ll figure it out. If I’ve got to see it, so should everybody else. Wouldn’t hurt to get a little sun on that guy once in a while.” [sighs] No one cares. We’re totally alone. You are. Even the people closest to you only get so close, right? The people you sleep next to, only so close. You’ve got to give yourself little pep talks in your head. All day long, like a crazy person. ‘Cause you’re the only one looking out for you. “I’ve got my wallet, got my cell phone. Okay, okay. [sighs] Where are my keys? Where are my keys? Okay, I’ve got my keys. Alright, it’s going to be a great day. It’s going to be a great day.” The only difference between you and a crazy person is they say it out loud on the street. [loudly] “I’ve got my wallet, got my cell phone… Going to be a great day!” You’re looking at him across the street, “This guy’s nuts. We don’t yell like that. [chuckling] No, we don’t. We should get some ice cream.” [chuckles] No one cares. Even my iPhone turned on me, my only true friend in the world. It’s taking all the photos I take and putting them in categories of its own choosing. It considers my fat face and my normal face to be two different people. And there’s a lot more of the fat face guy. Apparently, he owns the phone. You ever catch yourself on the phone, that undershot? [audience groaning] [gasps] You don’t even think you’re fat, and you’re like, “I’m a monster.” “How are they not just hitting me with a dart when I come out of the front door… and taking me to the zoo to be identified?” It’s hard. I don’t know why we don’t feel like we’re doing great. You work hard, do all the stuff you’re supposed to be doing. You’re doing your best, and still, you feel like it’s not enough. I think it’s social media. I think since social media came out. Before social media, I thought I was kicking ass. I really did. Now, every time I open my phone, someone’s in my face. “Are you killing it today?” “Are you living 100% maxed out energy?” “Are you living your best life?” No, I’m not. I’m not doing any of those things… because that’s not normal. I don’t care what The Rock’s Instagram says, that’s not normal. You know what’s normal? How you feel right now. Right now, in your funny little gassy bodies. A little achy, a little tired, light-headed… taking deep breaths, so you don’t pass out in front of your friends. Worried about your bills, worried about how you’re getting home, worried about that thing you found on your ass. That’s normal. And it’s exhausting and that’s normal too. Being tired, which I know you are all the time. That is normal. You don’t need a five-hour energy drink. You need to lay down once in a while. [audience whooping and applauding] So, we beat ourselves up about it all the time. Right? All my friends… “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Two o’clock in the afternoon, every day. I get so tired. What’s wrong with me?” Nothing. Nothing. You woke up in the dark… went to a job you don’t enjoy… Already put in five hours. They gave you 20 minutes for lunch, and now you need a nap. And they won’t let you. So, you’ve got to hide in the bathroom stall from your co-workers with your feet up… [applause] …close your eyes for ten seconds so maybe you’ll get through the goddamn day. You’re doing fine. Social media plays with your head, though. It does. You know? It has me, too. I read all these articles… People are getting clinically depressed because they’re looking at other people’s lives on social media, and they start to think that their life pales in comparison. Calm down. First of all, no one has a great life. No one. No one. They are posting their best moments, with a filter, to make you feel shitty. [applause] “Look at us at the Eiffel Tower. Suck it, guys.” Yeah, they don’t show them for three hours stuck at Baggage Claim, or sitting in the hotel for five days because the husband’s got diarrhea from a French tart he shouldn’t have eaten. Yeah, that’s happening too, trust me. And if your friend is douchey enough to post 50 pictures of their Hawaiian vacation while they know you’re at work, don’t get depressed, get even! Start posting pictures of you at their house. “Bob just peed in the pool. LOL.” “Sorry about all the people. Might want to change the sheets when you get back.” [chuckling] What are we doing to ourselves with this social media? Really? What are we doing? These are people I chose to follow. My friends and family. and I never get off Instagram or Facebook and think: “Wow, good for everyone!” No, I want them all to die. When I’m on Instagram, it’s like I’m in a traffic jam with everyone I know. When you’re in traffic, you’re like, “Look at this jerk-off. Out of my way…” That’s how I am on Instagram. “Oh, ‘We’re partying again.’ They’re alcoholics, that’s what they are.” “Oh, they’re in love. No, they’re not. He cheated on her last year. I know it.” We’ve got to control it, because it does get to you. It does. You see people with money and fame and you think, “What’s wrong with my life? Where did I screw up? Why aren’t I living like that?” No. No, that’s an illusion. A simple life is what wins. A simple life. This is a life. This is a life. You run out of toothpaste. You need more toothpaste. You tell yourself that for a week and a half. Standing on it, squeezing it, pushing through the hole from the inside. Just trying to get one strand on your brush, so you don’t feel like a monster out in the world. You finally stop at CVS on the way home. You slide that fresh tube out of that long box… You feel like you did something, don’t you? [applause] Yeah, you feel like a winner. Yeah. You are. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, right? That was the perfect couple we were all supposed to emulate. Two perfect people in this relationship. Look at their life. Your life, your simple life, so much better. You don’t want that life. Marriage: over. Good, they deserved it. That was arrogance. Take two perfect people, put them in one relationship? That’s not going to work. You want your marriage to last, you need a little funny-looking in it. No, you need to look across the table and think, “Where are you gonna go?” [applause] When you’re young and stupid, you think you want a supermodel. No, you moron, you don’t want some beautiful woman asking to be taken to Europe. You want a girl with a crooked eye asking if you have jumper cables. That’s your girl. That’s a keeper. She’s not running out on you, she’s limping around in circles in the parking lot. [whooping and cheering] These are the good times. You hear people talk about “the good old days” all the time. Lately, “If we could just go back to the good old days.'” “The good old days.” Are you kidding me? These are “the good old days.” The good old days? We’re just figuring out how to do stuff now, and we don’t even have it figured out yet. You want to go to the good old days? They didn’t know how to do anything back there. Nothing. You ever see the first bicycle ever made? I don’t know how to make anything. But I know you don’t take the smallest wheel you can find… and put that in the back, and the biggest wheel on earth… and put that up front. It’s a bad bike. You couldn’t even get in the seat by yourself. Your friends had to fling you up there by the ends of your handlebar mustache… and hope you landed on the seat. And once you started pedaling, you couldn’t stop. You pedaled till you died. And that was okay, because your life expectancy in the good old days… twenty-eight years old. Please! A horrible time to live. Hospitals were a nightmare. All they did was cut your leg off. Didn’t matter what you had. Broken arm, the flu… You walked in, you hopped back out. No medicine. No medicine. No Advil. Could you imagine? A life without Advil? [gasps] You ever go to the cabinet and realize you’re out of Advil? [gasps] I just lay on the ground and hope to die. What are you going to take, that 12-year-old Benadryl from the back? They had no TUMS. No TUMS! You ate, got gassy and exploded. These are the good old days. Look at all your outfits. Look at these beautiful fabrics you’re wearing. And I know you had options. This isn’t your only outfit. No, not in the good old days. One hard woolen outfit. Hard leather shoes made out of pig livers… and burlap underpants. Burlap underpants! Ever see black and white pictures from back then? They’re all angry, just staring at the camera. Like, “What’s wrong with those people? Why are they so unhappy?” Burlap underpants. [applause] Awful! No plumbing. You went into an outhouse. Into a hole in the ground… and used leaves and a stick as toilet paper. Couldn’t shower off. It wasn’t invented yet. If you wanted to get clean, once every two weeks, you dipped in a pickle barrel in the middle of the kitchen with your family. [exclaims in horror] Could you imagine? Could you imagine going last? [exclaims in horror] A pickle barrel filled with hair and vagina water. [audience groaning] And you were cleaner coming out than when you went in. Put on your burlap underpants, climbed on your bike and went to town. [applause] I’ve got to say, for this taping… you guys are kicking ass. [whooping] Good people. Good job. Good job. If you think you’re going to be on camera, probably not. Some of you. You guys are very bright up front. And you look really high. [Tom chuckling] Are you? You are. Yeah, you are. He’s frozen right now. He’s like, “Holy shit! “The TV is talking to me.” It’s alright. It’s alright. You look good. You’re doing well. Deep breaths, deep breaths… [chuckling] But you are going to be on camera. And you’re going to see what I’m talking about. [Tom chuckles] Money, that’s the big one. Money. That’s the big stress. You know? That’s what gets people down more than anything else. Right? You’re obsessed. “We need more money, gotta get more money. Never have enough. More money… I need more money!” But that’s a matter of perspective too. Look, you don’t realize… We didn’t realize when we were young and poor, how rich we really were. Right? Because you had freedom, and you’ll never have it again. Yeah! Look, we all want money. We all do, right? You want as much as you can get. You want to take care of your family and your friends, to be able to get out of trouble, don’t want to be stressed week-to-week. You want to be able to buy something stupid once in a while without your spouse calling you a moron. Right? If you’re a 40-year-old man and you want to buy an Xbox, you should buy an Xbox. You don’t need your wife calling you a moron. You’ll find that out in two weeks’ time… when you realize you don’t have any time for an Xbox because you’re a 40-year-old man. I made a horrible business decision. I got married and had two children. Horrible idea. I love them, but they just grow and get bigger and need more money and more money. At this point, it’s like I’m living with two unemployed coke addicts. Seriously, they come into my office every morning: “Hey, you got more money for me?” “What happened to the change from yesterday?’ “I don’t know. The economy, right?” And I spoil them. I spoil the hell out of them. Because they’re girls. They’re two girls. So, forget it. They got me. Oh, they got me. I hope they don’t watch this and realize. No, they got me. And, you know, my father had money, but he didn’t spoil us, so I’m going the other way. You know? My father made money, but he was like, “I’m not going to give it to children. I’m going to spend it on what I want to spend it on.” Could you imagine living in a time where the children weren’t in charge? Sounds like a magical time to be alive. He took us to an amusement park once, he saw the line… He said, “Just look at it through the fence, you get the idea.” My daughters make me take them out for ice cream three times a week. And I do it, like an idiot. Oh, they’re so entitled. They walk into that shop with the little sample spoons, the worst invention in retail. Just… Nom, nom, nom. “No. No” “Let me see if you did better with that one.” Nom, nom, nom. “No.” My father took us out for ice cream once. “Everyone gets one scoop of vanilla, no cones. Put out your hands.” [in English accent] “Thank you, Father. This is the most wonderful of days.” [Tom chuckles] [sighs] Man… But now the responsibility when you have these people… Sometimes late at night, when my wife is asleep and the kids are asleep and the animals are just dreaming peacefully, without a care in the world… and I’m standing naked, alone in the hallway, rapt with fear, because I know their lives depend on me. And I can’t tell anyone about it, I can’t complain. I just have to swallow the stress and slowly lose my hair. I can’t wake my daughter up at two o’clock in the morning and just sit on the end of her bed. “Hey, honey are you awake? Hey! You ever feel like you’re not going to make it? Do you ever feel like you just can’t do it anymore? Forget about it, get some sleep. I’ll see you at breakfast.” Brutal. [applause] No. I’ve just got to work. I’ve just got to work, the non-stop working. Oh, God. Just to go back to those easy days when you’re just single, driving around in your little shitty car. Oh! Do you remember your first car? Yeah, what was it? [man] ’86 Subaru. ’86 Subaru. [wistful] Ohhh. Where’d you get it? Off a friend. Alright, it was an ’86 Subaru. What year are we talkin’? 1995. [laughing] Subaru before they were cool. Yeah. There weren’t a lot of hikers and lesbians driving them back then. No way. What color was it? Silver. That’s pretty cool. Was this in New Jersey? Yeah? Cruising around… all cool… Weed in your pocket in your Subaru. Remember what you paid for it? [man] Five hundred. Five hundred dollars? That was a lot of money back then. Oh, but you loved it, didn’t you? Oh, God. How about you, high guy, did you…? Do you remember your first car? [replies indistinctly] Ford F-150. Hot damn. That wasn’t here in New Jersey. No. Where was it? [man] West Virginia. West Virginia! [chuckles] Good for you. Yeah, you had to have a truck there, or they’d kick you out of the state. Imagine if you rolled up in the Subaru. No way! “We saw a gay guy in the center of town.” [chuckles] My first car was a Toyota Corolla. [cheering] Baby Shit Orange. That’s what it said in the brochure. And I loved it. It was awful. If you have a horrible car right now… be proud of it, because you have freedom and you’ll never have it again. You can do anything you want with a shit car. Find a Darth Vader head… If you like Star Wars, glue it right to the hood. Can’t do that with a leased Mercedes. No, they won’t let you. You can with a Subaru. Put on a Vader mask, get in the Vader-mobile, go the wrong way down the highway. Everyone’s getting out of your way, because they know you’re poor and have nothing to lose. [sighs] But you need dreams. You need dreams. You have to have goals at the end of all this. Obtainable, real goals… Lower your expectations. Really. No big jets and helicopters and all the rest… When this is all over for me, my dream, my dream… Bagel shop at the beach. Yeah, not owning one, working in one. I don’t need that kind of pressure. Not a good beach, either. Jersey Shore in the winter. Yeah. This dream’s coming true. All I have to do is not wet myself in the interview. I’m getting this job. I want to make bagels for you in March at the Jersey Shore. “Did you just wet yourself?” “No, I did not.” “Welcome aboard.” They say you should visualize your dreams. I do, I see it. I fantasize about it all the time. Who else works there? Juan, he’s 72. He makes the bagels. He rides his bike there. I throw in some Spanish, so he knows I’m cool. “Yo es muy guapo.” “You’re an idiot, Tom, but I like you.” And Sean, you need that guy. He’s a pothead, you need that. And Dolores, she works the register. A little older now, a little sloppy in the caboose… Doesn’t have a good dental plan, eats a lot of day-old bagels, but, you know… Beggars can’t be choosers. It’s Jersey Shore in the winter. Once in a while, she drops something at the register, bends down to pick it up, Juan and I catch each other’s eye, we think, “Yeah, I would.” [loud laughter] That’s my dream. But not now, not now, not now… I’ve got to get the kids out. They’ve got to move out. I’ve got to do all that. That’s another weird thing, I just realized I can’t believe they’re leaving. I have a seventeen-year-old. She’s leaving. It struck me. I was like, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want this house. I didn’t want this dog. I didn’t want to live in this town. I did this for you. And now you’re just gonna leave?” But then I thought, “But wait, when they’re both gone, what’s stopping me? What’s stopping me from going back to the life that I had before? How much can a Corolla be on eBay?” I’m going to get a backpack, fill it with everything I liked when I was 19: some Van Halen CDs, a little weed… I’m going to walk up the driveway and blow the house up behind me like Die Hard. [whooping, applause] [Tom chuckles] Yeah. To be honest… I don’t want them to leave. It’s going to be rough. I don’t want to see them go. No. It’s fun… It’s… They’re not even that great, and I want them to be around. We have a mean girl. We have a mean girl. Yeah, I didn’t know they were real. They’re real. Yeah, I feel guilty. I made it. I feed it. I’m keeping it alive. I give it money. It’s like I’m funding the terrorists. But it is complicated, because I can’t tell how mean she is. When we were little, if you were a bad kid, they came right up to your father at school: “Hey, you got a shitty one here. And your father was grateful an adult was talking to him: “Thank you. I’ll beat him immediately.” Now, they’ll get fired if they say that. It’s confusing. I can’t tell how mean she is and I love her. So it’s all… I’m sure, at some point, Hitler’s parents must have turned to each other, like, “He’s a little weird, right?” “Yeah, he’s weird. He’s six. Who has a mustache like that at six?” She got in the car the other day, reached over my shoulder, changed the radio station… A whole Taylor Swift station came on. I went to change it… All the stations are hers now. I’m like, “When did that happen?” She goes, “Don’t worry about it. Just make it louder.” Could you imagine, as a child, getting in your father’s car, demanding he put on your music and then, “Louder, a little lower, louder… Right there, chief, right there.” When you eventually came out of your coma… they would have told you a story of how arrogant you were… and why you lost five years of your life… when you were hit in the head with a pipe… that you deserve. But I get it. You know, this is the age when music hits your life. You don’t listen to your parents anymore. When I was her age, that’s when Prince showed up. You think I was listening to my father? My fat, bald, white father… when Prince showed up? Right? Half naked, his little nipple hairs sticking out… Full mustache, but wearing makeup. Kind of gay, but singing about sleeping with women. I was like, “I don’t know what this guy is trying to tell me, but I’m going to follow him to the end of my days.” [whooping, applause] From that point on, all your role models were perverts, right? Prince, David Bowie… Freddie Mercury running around with his ball bag hanging out… We didn’t even know he was gay. We didn’t even know he was gay. The name of his band was Queen. Big penises on the side of the stage, shooting fireworks… “Wow, he’s an interesting entertainer.” [chuckles] But you know what? Honestly, I like that she’s a mean girl. I like it. What are we saying? You know? Girls should be tough. If it means being called mean, so what? It’s scary out there. Yeah, she’s tough. Go ahead. She’s got to go out there and meet men… Gotta meet men! Ugh! Gotta bring men home, big hairy men. Ugh! Who knew? Who knew that men were so awful? Who knew? I think the women knew. I think the women knew. [whooping, applause] Yeah, I think you knew. We had no idea. I feel bad. We should have been looking out for you. We had no… Regular guys did not know that these guys were out there. And we know a lot of secrets. We didn’t know these guys were so bad. Think of the psychotic narcissism of these men, that your hello when you meet a woman for the first time is to reach into your pants, take out your worst part… and present it to her, like it’s an award she’d be happy to receive. That’s a psychopath. I’ve been married 19 years. When I take my pants off, lights are out. Curtains drawn… I’m under the covers. I don’t even want to see it. I’m like, “I’m sorry, honey. By law, you have to take a look.” But it’s good. It’s a great thing that’s happened. We’re correcting it, we’re getting rid of horrible people. We’re changing the workplace. It’s a positive thing. I was worried about my daughters. I was, I was like, “How am I going to teach them… how awful men are?” You know? “How are they going to know how bad guys can be?” I’m the only man in their life, and I’m pretty great. Especially to them. I was a week and a half away from just smashing a glass at the dinner table… and then Harvey Weinstein rode in like a hero… [applause] …with tales to tell. And every week since then, there’s been another monster. My daughters will be lesbians by Thanksgiving. You’ve got to be tough. You’ve got to be tough. It’s tough out there. One of our cats just died. That was a sad thing. [audience] Aww! Yeah, just one more to go. [laughter] No. To be honest, this cat and I did not get along. Uh, I tried to like her, but she didn’t like me. You know a cat doesn’t like you when you come home at night, it gets on its hind legs like a human being and runs at you with its claws out. That’s alright. It’s not my job to love the animals. They want animals. It’s my job as the father to get them animals. I get them animals. I drive them home, they live with them and love them, and when they’re about to die, I drive them back out. I’m like the warden on death row. They hear me coming with the cat carrier, they all back into the room: “Who’s he coming for this time?” “I don’t know. Grace has been walking kind of funny.” There’s one old cat with a harmonica. “Don’t pay him no mind. He comes for all of us one day.” [meowing harmonica riff] So, I brought her in to the vet. She knows she’s not feeling well. And she knows it’s her last trip there. She sees the vet, turns to see my wife… I’m sitting there. The look of disappointment in this cat’s face like, “Really? You?” “Look, I don’t want to be here either. Let’s just get through this.” The vet’s like, “Alright, so this is what happens. We give them one shot, that mellows them out, then we give them the second shot. Does the trick.” I’m like, “I know. I’ve been here before.” And he said, “Okay. I’ll leave you two alone now, so you can say your goodbyes.” You’re in a vet’s office. You can’t be like, “No, I’m good.” “I can skip that part. Just give me that collar, I’ll get out of here. Oh, the goodbye. Right!” The cat’s like, “Get off of me.” I didn’t think I was going to cry. I didn’t think I was going to cry, but… she was really working it. She was really working it. I felt like her last goal on Earth was to break me. You know? She just kept looking at me with those big eyes, just… And I was hanging in there. Then she went into her final purr. That sad, broken, pathetic death purr.. It was so… [low, emotional purrs] Oh, I just lost it. As soon as I broke, she just laughed. “Ha-ha!” [applause] [chuckling] I’m nose to nose with her. I’m all sad, I’m all wet-faced. And she had a death spasm, like one of those… Her paws landed on my face and my reaction was just, “Ahhh!” The vet walks in, “Dude, dude!” Choking the cat. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” “I said there were two shots.” “I know, I was just helping out, I guess.” And the kids, you know, they were sad but then… you promise them another pet. [chuckling] You know? Can’t do that with Grandma. Can’t do that with Grandma. [deep voice] “Hey, how are you? My name’s Flo. Where does Daddy keep the whiskey?” [chuckles] They said, “You promised we could get a dog. You said when the cats pass, we can get a dog.” I was like, “Yeah, but I meant when both the cats pass.” And the mean one started whispering to the other one… They were like, “We can make that happen.” We’ve got to get them a dog. This is going to get weird. And I said, “Alright, I’ll agree. But it has to be a boy.” I need male energy in this house.” Everything is a girl. Everything’s a girl. My wife’s a girl, I made two girls, the cats were girls… We have a lizard. It’s a girl. I’m like, “We need a boy.” And they agreed. And we got a black Lab and her name is Bella. I like her, though. She’s cool. She’s cool. She’s got a little Rottweiler in her. We found her in Bakersfield on the side of a road. Yeah, see, I like a mutt. I like a mutt. If you like pure bred… Whatever you want to do. I’m not going to judge. I don’t know, but, you know, I watch the Westminster Dog Show and, you know, it’s a little too fancy. All these purebred… [English accent] “Now, the German Shepherd, blah, blah, blah.” “Sixteenth century… blah, blah, blah.” How about a “real dog” dog show? You know? “Here’s Ralph from Bayonne. Has trouble keeping his tongue in his mouth. Got some of his owner’s edibles out of his backpack. Hasn’t been the same since. That’s Ralph from Bayonne.” [chuckles] But, you know, this is all a part of it. You want to prepare your kids for life, but it’s hard, right? We’re not really prepared for life. It’s hard. Everybody’s complaining, feeling like they’re not doing alright. You’re doing great. You’re doing great. I promise you. I don’t say that lightly, my friends. I don’t. I don’t know any of you and I’m telling you, you’re doing great. I’ll go one better. You’re peaking right now. I’m not kidding. You have a little money in your pocket, you can come watch this silly-ass show… It’s not going to get much better, guys. These are the good times. In the not too far distant future, people will ask you to go somewhere, and your one question is going to be: “Are there stairs?” And if there are, you’re not going. Do what you can and don’t beat yourselves up. You’re trying. You’re doing the best you can. You try and be nice to people, you try and work out, you try and take care of yourself, but you’re going to skip and you’re going to mess up all the time, right? You are. Did you work out today, sir? [laughter] No? [man] Yeah. Oh, you did? Good for you. What did you do? [man] Two-mile run. You took a two mile run. Good for you. How about you, West Virginia? Did you work out? No, sir. Did you work out yesterday? I went to work. You went to work. We’re counting that. Good for you. Where do you work? I work in the city. You work in the city. What do you do there? I work in a restaurant. You work in a restaurant. Are you a waiter? Waiter and back of house. Waiter and back of house. So, you’re running your ass off the whole day. All day, probably longer than this guy. Mr. “I ran for two miles in my Nike uniform.” You’re slinging food and running around like a crazy person… while high! Let me ask you, how does a guy from West Virginia, in a Ford F-150, end up in New York, working in a restaurant? Because of my fiancée. Because of your fiancée. [audience] Aww! Wow! Beautiful! How did you meet her? We met online. You met online. And you were like, “I found a guy from West Virginia… [laughter] …who looks like he’s got great weed.” And what’s your plan? Because I’m not judging you… [laughter] …but I feel like you’ve got to get back to the woods. Do you like New York City? You want to stay here for all of your days? I don’t think so. No. Exactly! It’s a hellhole. You want to go back to rolling hills and your Ford truck. Will you go with him? Yes. You will. So, you’re here, you’re going to… Is this the plan? We’re going to Europe. You’re going to Europe? What are you going to do there? [man] She’s from Portugal. You’re from Portugal? This is the greatest story I’ve ever heard. [applause, laughter] This is a love story. You know what my love story is? I met a girl from New Jersey. Done! [whooping, applause] Good for you. You do whatever the hell you gotta do. I’m not giving you advice at all. You, I can talk to. No, you both look great. You’re doing what you got to do. You both look good. You know what my workout is? Apple Watch. Buzzes once an hour, tells me it’s time to stand. [buzzes] “Time to stand, Tom.” “Okay, Apple watch.” “Sorry I didn’t get up the last two days.” A Fitbit? Get a Fitbit. Everyone should have a Fitbit. Strap something to your wrist, count what you normally do as exercise? Get it! “I walked from my car to my cubicle. Eighty steps!” “Good job, Carol. Good job. You’re an athlete now. You could run the 5K. Just a couple more steps. You could do it.” Do what you gotta do. Just don’t die. All of you. Don’t die! That should be the only thing on your Post-it Note. “Don’t die.” And act accordingly. Right? Eat the right things when you can, walk the dog the long way, touch your toes once in a while… You don’t want to wake in the middle of the night sweating for no reason… trying to figure out which is the bad arm to be tingly. “Do we have baby aspirin? I think we’re supposed to take baby aspirin… or lick a baby? Does someone have a baby? I think I’m having a heart attack.” You’ve got to go for physicals once in a while, which isn’t the best. I just went recently. My doctor… So humiliating, isn’t it? At least when you go to an eye doctor, you’re like, “My eyes are good or bad. It’s not me.” But the doctor, it’s like, “You’ve been living like an animal.” “I’m sorry. I had a rough year.” So humiliating. As a man, the most humiliating part… you’ve got to take your pants off in front of this guy. And I know, ladies, I know… what you deal with at the doctor’s office is much worse than us. I’m not comparing it. What you have to smoosh your boobs up against… I know. What you deal with… Look, there’s no stirrups where we go. There probably was at one time and we enjoyed it too much. But for us, the worst part… you pull your pants off, he cups your balls and makes you cough. Still. No one knows why. Just for fun. And then, I immediately turn around and assume the position… and get ready for the rear entry. And this doctor I’ve been going to for ten years goes, “No, I’m not doing that anymore.” “Well, it’s not like I wanted you to.” It’s like he was breaking up with me. I was like, “Hey, I only did this for you.” “All these times… I didn’t enjoy it once.” [chuckles] But you do what you can. I don’t want you to die. I want you to keep going, keep doing great. And don’t do what other people tell you is a good time. It never is, never is. Right? Breakfast in bed. Perfect example. Horrible idea. It’s a bad idea. Every poor mother on Mother’s Day has got to get a tray filled with hard toast and runny eggs… and we pin her down in her bed. “Enjoy your breakfast, like a hospital patient. Good luck not spilling the juice on your nightgown. We’ll be at IHOP. See you in an hour.” And no more cruises. Stop with the dumbass cruises. It’s a dumb idea of a good vacation. Anything you can do on those dumbass boats, you can do here on land. Waterslide, shitty magic shows… It’s all here. You don’t need to go to the middle of the ocean, where you do not belong… with two thousand other people, floating around on a giant white toilet. That’s all those boats are: horrible toilets ruining the seas. What does everybody talk about on those dumb boats? “Oh! The food! Oh, my God. Seven meals a day. They take your three meals, they add four more to it.” Yeah, great, and what does everybody do? Waddle off to their room and take a dump in the sea. Stop it. I was in Italy, in this tiny little town… You couldn’t fit one more person there. Scariest thing I ever saw. In the middle of dinner, this cruise ship pulled into port. It was like our city was being attacked… by a bigger city. The gangplank came down. They came waddling out in their Tommy Bahama and their flip-flops, ate everything they could find, went back on the boat, took another dump in the sea. Stop it. [whooping] And while we’re at it, no more zip lining. Stop with the goddamn zip lining in beautiful places. Isn’t it enough to go to these beautiful destinations, and absorb the beauty that’s before you in the three days you have there? Do you really have to be tied into a dirty harness and a lice-ridden helmet, pushed by a non-regulated local off a platform? Why? So you can fly along a wire through the treetops of the jungle? Get a book, sit at the ocean’s edge, and calm down. Look, you want to zip line through a scary place? I get it. You want to zip line through Staten Island? You should. You should be high above that place, moving quickly… trying not to get shot as fast. And don’t watch so much news. Don’t watch so much news. You want to feel better about yourself? Turn the news off. [applause] I’m serious. Like I said, we’re blessed: the first generation that doesn’t have to fight for survival. But we’re also the first human brains that have to deal with horrible news, 24 hours a day on multiple devices. No other human being has had to deal with this onslaught. And it’s controlling us and it’s splitting us apart, and it’s turning us on each other. You’ve got to be smarter than it. You’ve got to manage it. In the old days, the only news you got was a town crier. A man in tights and a wig… came into your village. “Hear ye, hear ye! Donna has syphilis. [loud laughter] Enjoy your day.” And you did, because that’s all the news you really need. That’s it. Don’t buy it. You’ve got to think for yourself. You guys, I’m telling you, you’ll live a much better life. But really, the real thing, the real thing… honestly and with all sincerity, you have to find someone to love. You need someone to love. That’s the whole answer. Really. It doesn’t even have to be a person. It could be an animal. Really! You just need two eyes looking at you across the living room. It could be a fish! It could be a fish. Just looking at you, one eye at a time. Makes you feel accounted for, makes you feel needed. It’s important. You know? The hardest part is finding someone to trust. That’s hard. Because everyone lies to you. Everyone lies to you all the time. Your friends, co-workers, relatives, your parents… Your parents looked you in your little baby face and lied to you. I know they lied to you, because I have children and I lie to them. I remember realizing my mother was a liar. She put out clothes for me, a new outfit for Tommy. You should have seen this outfit. For school, six years old, horrible. Red long-sleeved turtleneck shirt. Red! Long sleeved, form-fitting on my chubby body, turtleneck shirt. Tucked into orange plaid pants. [groaning] Yeah, with a belt and a buckle. So it was tucked in and cinched up tight. So, my little chubs hung over the side. And the pants didn’t go all the way down, so you saw my shoes, my hard, black, feminine dress shoes… with heels and buckles on those, like a pilgrim, like a fat little pilgrim. I came down into the kitchen, “Are you sure, Mom? This is how I should go to school?” “Yes, you’re a handsome boy.” I went to school and got a beating… a beating… from children who cared. “Kick him again, someone’s lying to this fat bastard!” He thinks he looks good. He looks like he works the dog track at six years old.” The hardest part, if you do find someone to love, and you’re trying to figure out if you’re going to go the distance, you have to realize, the person you’re dating isn’t the one you’re going to spend most of your years with. That’s why people split up. You have to think far out, 30 years out. What is this person going to be then? When you’re dating, that’s young and sexy. That’s the sales model. That’s what moves it off the showroom floor. You’ve got to think 30 years out. Picture your man now three times the size. Just a snowman of blubber around his existing body. And bald. He’s going to be bald, or worse, just three hairs. Like a doll that’s been caught in a fire. No more cool clothes, comfortable clothes. Yeah. Elastic waistbands and terry cloth material. Yeah, and Crocs for adults… Yeah, that he wears with socks, because sometimes it’s cold in the morning when you’re getting the paper. No more motorcycle in the garage, but he’s in the garage. You know why? He paints birdhouses now. Yeah, that’s why he’s not having sex with you. He’s painting birdhouses. The same thing with your girl. Young, beautiful, long hair… When she’s old, it gets cut short, it goes straight up in a poof. Like she’s surprised. All old ladies look surprised. “Surprise! I’m still here. I almost slipped, but I didn’t.” All she remembers about fashion is she likes flowers. That’s all she wears, a shower curtain dress filled with flowers. One on each toe, one on her surprise head. “Who wants to play cards?” No more lace bras and panties. Underpants! Industrial-strength cotton, get-the-job-done, keep-everything-in-places-where-it-used-to-be underpants… that she hand washes in the sink. When you’re brushing your teeth and have to spit in the toilet, if you’re not aggravated, you married the right lady. And this isn’t a sad story, this is the story. If everything goes right, this is the happy ending you get. [laughs smugly] [whooping, applause] But if you do want a human being and you don’t have one, that’s on you. That’s your fault. You’re picky, you’re too damn picky. Lower your expectations. There are seven billion people out there. You can find one. You can find one person who doesn’t make you throw up when they take their top off. What? Everyone’s weird and gross out there? Yeah? So are you! We all are. That’s what love is, my friends. Finding someone whose flaws you can put up with. That’s it. That’s chemistry. You ever take the first morning flight? That 6:00 a.m. flight… where you wake up at home at 4:00. You don’t even know how you got to the airport. You’re just, all of a sudden, under fluorescent lights at Security. [groans in confusion] You’re not in control of your body, no one is. I love that moment. Because there’s a sea of people who you could have woken up with, if you had made the wrong choice. I was in on one recently, behind this older gentleman, he burped, farted and sneezed… at the same time. Just exploded out of every one of his openings, all at once. Pa-pow! Like a human tugboat. Pa-pow! It was horrible. People scattered. Changed lanes, changed flights… Went home and tried again tomorrow. His wife stood next to him, did not flinch. She probably does the same thing. The two of them, every morning firing off, making coffee… Pa-pow, pa-pow! The cat, the dog… Pa-pow, pa-pow-pow-pow! Like the grand finale on the 4th of July. But that’s love and that’s what I wish for all of you. I thank you so much for coming out. [loud cheering] You guys were tremendous. Thank you so much. Thank you, New Jersey, you guys are great. I’ll see you next time.

1686242785-372

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: 8:46 – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-846-transcript/

June 6, 2020 8:46 is a performance special by comedian Dave Chappelle about violence against African Americans. The special was released via YouTube on June 12, 2020. The performance is not a traditional stand-up comedy special, as it was recorded at a private outdoor venue due to the COVID-19 pandemic in Ohio and features long stretches without humor. The event was entitled 8:46 in reference to the eight minutes and 46 seconds that police officer Derek Chauvin knelt on the neck of George Floyd, a black man, murdering him, and Chappelle’s time of birth on his birth certificate, being born at 8:46 AM. Chappelle touches on Floyd’s death and subsequent protests, discusses the history of violence against African-Americans in the United States and their attempts to push back, and takes aim at conservative pundits Laura Ingraham and Candace Owens for their policing of the black community [car pulls up] [indistinct conversation] [music playing] [applause] Thank you! Thank you very much! I hope you all can hear me. [applause] Will you guys shut the fuck up! Just kidding! That’s my family in the back, that’s why I did that. Anyway, this is weird. And less than ideal circumstances to do a show. But the only way to figure out if this shit will actually work, well is to do the goddamn show. So, thank you all for coming. [applause] I want to shout out all the young people who have had the courage to go out and do all this amazing work, protesting. [applause] I am very proud of you. [applause] You kids are excellent drivers. I am comfortable in the back seat of the car. So carry on, young ones. It’s hard to figure out what to say about George Floyd. So I’m not going to say it yet. [laughs] I will say something. [sigh] Are you guys having a good time, or is this weird? [applause] I gotta tell you, this is actually, like, the first concert in North America since all this shit happened, so, like it or not, it’s history. It’s going to be in the books. [applause] At least we tried. There’s other comedians that would– Well this is not the first show but the other shows were like in drive-ins and if people liked the n*gga’s jokes they’d honk the horn. [laughter] And that didn’t sound like any fun at all, did it? [laughter] So what’s you guys? You a black and white friend hanging out, do you guys know each other? [inadubile] Whew! It’s going to be a quiet ride home, isn’t it? No, just kidding! [laughter] I’m just kidding, enjoy your riots. [laughter] I’m just kidding. They’re not really even riots. You notice that? [sighs] This is a fucking weird time. Mhmm. In like 1993, I’m not sure what year it was, but I was in LA. I had smoked a joint and I was watching a movie, Apocalypse Now. It was like just after 4:00 in the morning. And what later would become the known Northridge earthquake happened. It felt like it started in my apartment. You know? I’m from east of the Mississippi. On this side we don’t know what earthquakes are about. I got to tell you something, man [burps] Excuse me, burping. This shit was terrifying. It was absolutely terrifying. Uh, a lot of things went through my mind, I was like, not naked, but you know what I mean, just chilling in my boxers. Uh, I put my clothes on, I found my weed. And some, a pipe, and a lighter and some money, and my keys, all these things, while the earthquake is happening, while I’m experiencing what an earthquake is for the first time, and I was certain that I might very possibly die. As a matter of fact, I remember I made a point not to scream, just in case I lived, I wouldn’t have to remember myself being vocally terrified. But I forgave myself for being terrified. That earthquake couldn’t have been more than 35 seconds. This man kneeled on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds! Can you imagine that!? This kid thought he was going to die. He knew he was going to die. He called for his mother. He called for his dead mother. I’ve only seen that once before in my life, my father, on his deathbed, called for his grandmother. When I watched that tape I understood this man knew he was going to die. People watched it, people filmed it, and for some reason, that I still don’t understand, all these fucking police had their hands in their pockets. Who. Are. You. Talking. To! What are you signifying? That you can kneel on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds and feel like you wouldn’t get the wrath of God. That’s what is happening right now. It’s not for a single cop, it’s for all of it. Fucking all of it. I don’t mean to get heavy, but. We gotta say something. [applause] He told the police he couldn’t breathe. One of the hardest parts of the tape to listen to. He said, “Please!” I can’t tell you, as a man, watching another man go through something like that, what it makes you feel like. I didn’t watch the tape for a week. I didn’t watch it. I knew. I saw a still picture, I said, I don’t want to see this, because I can’t unsee it. But when I finally watched it, I understood, nobody’s going home. Anyone who sees this, well they’re going to be furious. So the other night, I’m in my little clubhouse. And I’m watching Don Lemon, that hotbed of reality. He says, “Where are all these celebrities? Why aren’t you talking?” This n*gga said everybody. I was screaming at the TV: I DARE YOU SAY ME, N*GGA! [laughter] I dare you! Has anyone ever listened to me do comedy? Have I not ever said anything about these things before? So, now, all the sudden, this n*gga expects me to step in front of the streets and talk over the work these people are doing? As a celebrity? Answer me, do you want to see a celebrity right now? Do we give a fuck what Ja Rule thinks? Does it matter about celebrity? No! This is the streets talking for themselves. They don’t need me right now! [applause] I kept my mouth shut. And I’ll still keep my mouth shut. But don’t think that my silence is complicit of all the shit these n*ggas are saying. Trying to get everyone to sing these fucking songs. I know all these songs. I was raised on these songs. Why would anyone care what their favorite comedian thinks after they saw a police officer kneel on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds? I can’t get that number out of my head because it was my time of birth on my birth certificate. I was born at 8:46 in the morning. And they killed this n*gga. And eight minutes and forty-six seconds. I watched everything everybody says. I see Candace Owens trying to convince white America, don’t worry about it, he’s a criminal anyway! I don’t give a fuck what this n*gga did. I don’t care what this n*gga did. I don’t care if he personally kicked Candace Owens in her stanky pussy. I don’t know if it stinks but I imagine it does. [laughter] And if I ever find out I’ll let you know for sure. I’ll tell like Azealia Banks, I’ll tell. [laughter] I’m the worst. But I know why. I figured out why they want to hear it from me, and it’s serious. The only reason people want to hear from people like me is because you trust me. You don’t expect me to think perfect. But I don’t lie to you. I’m just a guy. And I don’t lie to you. And every institution, every institution that we trust lies to us. [applause] How come they never talk about Chris Dorner? That’s a story about a man who believed he did everything right. Do you know who Chris Dorner is? Chris Dorner, if you remember, was an African American police officer in the LA PD. He was executing a warrant with his partner. Who was a white woman. And white women, I support you, but boy if you all don’t shut the fuck up. [laughter] During the process of executing this warrant, this white woman did what Chris Dorner thought was excessive force. I don’t know what she did. She kicked the mother fucker that was handcuffed, or hit a guy that was handcuffed, or something. Chris Dorner, the Black police officer that watched this white woman do this, reported this to his superior. Made a formal complaint. And was subsequently fired from the LA PD. He went through the system. He took every legal avenue he believed he had to get reinstated. And he was not reinstated. And when his last appeal was finished, this motherfucker… some wild shit. Wrote a manifesto, you know where this is going. And in that manifesto, he called me a genius. Me. Dave Chappelle. Not just me, but me. He’s a Kevin Hart fan too. [laughter] But he called me a genius. And he told Bradley Cooper who is a friend of mine, don’t do any more Hangovers, n*gga, that’s enough. That’s what he said. [laughter] And he told his story. Chris Dorner told his story, how he did everything right when he was in the military, and subsequently, this was before any of this shit happened, and then he said, which was the wildest thing, he said I’m going to wage asymmetrical war on the LA police department and their families. Well, that’s an ominous thing to say. And he did it. This motherfucker, ambushed two police officers who just sitting in their squad car. Murdered them. He went to another police officer’s house and killed his daughter. Boy, it was terrifying. And this motherfucker was on the run. He was doing it. I was supposed to do the GRAMMYs. I was supposed to present at the GRAMMYs that week, and a guy from the LA PD called me and said, “Mr. Chappelle we understand you’re coming to Los Angeles, and I don’t know if you know, but there is a lunatic on the streets who is killing police officers and we would like to know if we can pick you up at the airport? We are extending this courtesy to everyone he mentioned in his manifesto. And I told the police, I’m fine. I read the manifesto, he likes me. [laughter] Is there anything I can do for you, n*gga? Because I get very worried! [laughter] They found him. Big Bear. He was hiding in a cabin. When they figured out where this n*gga was, no less than 400 police officers showed up and answered the call. And boy let me tell you something, they swiss-cheesed this n*gga. He is dead as dead could be. He is done. And you know why 400 cops showed up? Because one of their own was murdered. So how the fuck can’t they understand what’s going on in these streets? [applause] We saw ourselves like you see yourself. They weren’t the only one. LeBron James once said something about racism and Laura Ingraham, which, I will say publicly anywhere, any time, is a cunt. [laughter] Tell ’em I said it. [applause] Told one of Ohio’s greatest residents ever: “Shut up and dribble.” I’ll tell you something about LeBron. This n*gga was on the cover of Sports Illustrated when he was 17 years old, and exceeded every expectation that they had for him. This business is treacherous. This is a good guy LeBron, he’s a family man, and this, that and the other. He didn’t let anyone down. He didn’t let anyone down. Came back to Ohio, won us a championship, and then was like, I’m going to move to LA, and everyone in Ohio was like, n*gga we understand. [laughter] He’s a good man, LaBron James. The bitch told my friend to shut up and dribble. My friend is the best at something, and this bitch is not the best at anything. Just a regular-ass white bitch with a platform. And I use the word bitch all the time because this is “black.” [sigh] Watch one shooting after another: Eric Garner in New York, the first guy that told the police, “I can’t breathe.” Eric Garner was selling loose cigarettes in Staten Island. When my kid was born, my first son, my wife lived in Staten Island, it’s an awful place. She knows it, everyone who’s ever been there knows it. Yuck, to Staten Island. And my black ass would go there, and I got a lot of fans there, and friends there, but this is a very terrible place. Fuck everybody in Staten Island except the Wu Tang Clan. [laughter] Got murdered by one police officer while five of his fellow officers watched him do it. [no audio] Not one of them said, “Frank, Frank take it easy.” None of that shit. Because they were being recorded. Because they were afraid if I correct my fellow officer on this camera it’s going to open us up for some kind of liability. And the guy killed the person that they were, uh, what do you call it? Apprehending? The guy was selling loose cigarettes. There goes Eric Garner. [sigh] And then we have one after the other. Trayvon Martin gets murdered by just a regular n*gga that… George Zimmerman is nobody. George Zimmerman is an awful human being. He threatened Beyonce’s life, he threatened Jay-Z’s life, he signed Skittle bags because Trayvon Martin had Skittles on him when he was murdered by George Zimmerman. Boy, how do we feel? How do we feel right now? This kid was 15 years old being followed by a grown man with a gun and whooped his monkey ass. He beat the shit out of George Zimmerman and George Zimmerman murdered him, I’m very upset. This kid looked eerily like the president, he looked like my own children. I hate George Zimmerman. As an idea. Not as a guy, I’ve never met him. I’m sure I would though. [laughter] Hit the streets. You got them marching. Dylann Roof. Dylann Roof killed eight people in a church in Charleston, South Carolina. He prayed with them first, and then he shot them at point-blank range. It goes on and on. And in one weekend a law abiding citizen right here in Beaver Creek is murdered. The cop that murdered John Crawford pulled me over the night before and let me off with a warning. And the next day, kills a kid. He says, drop the weapon, bang bang bang. This kid didn’t even have enough time to register that he was the one being spoken to. This is our home town. It happened right here. I was very proud to be your neighbor, I love the way you guys hit those streets. We said his name and we tried to make sure everyone remembered him but he got lost in the sauce. And this guy John Crawford was a saint. He was there buying shit so him and his kids could make s’mores. Michael Brown got shot the same week, and Michael Brown became the story. And then, am I boring you? Well then, right back in Minneapolis was Philando Castile. Law abiding citizen, was a registered gun carrier, was trying to show police the paperwork for his registered weapon and was murdered in front of his wife and his child and then right in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, just two days later it happens again. And what do you think is going to happen? Three days later nine cops get murdered in Dallas at a Black Lives Matter rally. Wow, I’ll never forget it. It was the first time I ever thought, I gotta get my family the fuck out of this place. These n*ggas will never understand. I’m tired of explaining to these people something that’s so goddamn obvious. The guy that killed those nine cops, just like Chris Dorner before him, was from our military. And then right after he did it, another four cops were shot dead in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Again, a Black man, that served in our military. What are they doing? Why would our guys do that? Black people from the military? Because they believe, just like they did when they were joining the fucking military, that they were fighting acts of terror. These are our people. These are our countrymen. If I were white, and saw one of these men get murdered and I was in the NRA why wouldn’t I stand up for them. A card carrying legal gun owner that gets murdered in cold blood? Because he’s Black. That’s why they don’t give a fuck. There’s only one time the NRA ever supported an assault weapon ban. You know when it was? It was when the Black Panthers stormed the state capital with assault rifles in California. [applause] Candace Owens, that rotten bitch. She’s the worst. I can’t think of a worse way to make money. The most articulate idiot I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. She’s so articulate she’ll tell you how fucking stupid she is precisely. And she told George Floyd’s wrap record… On the internet. “Oh, he was the this, he did that, and he was, he’s a drug addict. And he was not a hero. And why does the Black community make him a hero? Why do you chose him as a hero?” We didn’t chose him, you did! They killed him, and that wasn’t right, so he’s the guy. We’re not desperate for heroes in the Black community. Any n*gga that survives this nightmare is my goddamn hero. [applause] This is not funny at all. [laughter] I got some pussy jokes too, I could do, but I just really just… [laughter] Slavery is a really wild concept. Uh, it’s some weird shit. The night that those nine police officers were killed felt like the end of the world. The only reason it wasn’t the end of the world, in my opinion, was because at the very same time that was happening, Kobe Bryant was playing his last game as an LA Laker. And as scary as all that shit was, I kept flipping back to see if Kobe would drop sixty, and he did. Oh, and he did. And vaguely in the back of my mind I remember the idiot ass bitch telling somebody to shut up and dribble, and I watched this n*gga dribbling and saving this goddamn country from itself. I loved Kobe Bryant. He died the night, the day I won a GRAMMY, he died. That’s why I didn’t show up at the GRAMMYs. Because Kobe died. They had both of his fucking jersey numbers hanging up. 8, 24. Well, that’s my birthday. I cried like a baby. [sighs] So, here’s what I said on Saturday Night Live that I got completely wrong: At the end of my set I talked about how few Black people were invited to the White House. How Frederick Douglass was the first. And that it didn’t happen again until Roosevelt. But that was wrong. It happened one other time before that. Woodrow Wilson. Woodrow Wilson received delegation of African Americans at the White House. They were from South Carolina. There was a man who was lynched for a $30 dispute at a grain elevator and they killed him because the n*gga was rich, and they hated him for being more welathy then they were, and they murdered him. And the people in South Carolina said, fuck that, and they went via the governor of South Carolina, it was a Black delegation that was facilitated to meet with Woodrow Wilson. That delegation was lead by the AME Bishop William David Chappelle. That’s where I get my name. It was my great- grandfather, who was a slave when he was born. [applause] These things are not old. This is not a long time ago, it’s today. It’s today. That man’s wife was the woman that my father called on on his deathbed. And they were slaves. Are you out of your fucking mind if you can’t see that? And these n*ggas say why isn’t David Chappelle saying anything? Because David Chappelle understands what the fuck he is seeing. And these streets will speak for themselves weather I’m alive or dead. [applause] I trust you guys. I love you guys. We’ll keep this space open. This is the last stronghold for civil discourse. After this shit it’s just rat-a-tat-tata-tat-ta-tat-tat-TAT! [applause] I love you very much, thank you for being here. Goodnight. [applause] ♫ Nobody Speak by DJ Shadow feat. Run the Jewels ♫

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Phil Wang: Philly Philly Wang Wang (2021) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/phil-wang-philly-philly-wang-wang-transcript/

[hip-hop music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] [music stops] All right! [cheering and applauding continue] Wow. So nice! Oh, wow. Gosh, that’s way… Come on, now. Please. That is… That is so nice. Keep going forever. [laughs] Look at this. Here we are. London Palladium. My gosh. [cheering] Thank you so much for coming out. Oh, my days. Oh. Let me put this away. The biggest stage in the world so I’ll be back in about half an hour. Guys, thank you so much for coming out tonight. I really appreciate it. Here we are. It’s taken a few more months longer than expected, but here we are. Look at this, a sold-out, reduced capacity, London Palladium! [laughing and cheering] Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Thank you so much for coming. So we were meant to film this last year. We were meant to film this in May of 2020. But something came up. We had to push it back. But we made it. Here we are. We’re finally doing it. I can’t wait to do the show. I hope it is all still relevant. This show is about Brexit and how much I want to meet Prince Philip. Let’s go! Let’s do it! Should be good, should be fun. [applause] I’m Phil Wang, in case you didn’t know. Here I am. Old Philly Philly Wang Wang. Here at last. Old Philly Philly Wang Wang at the London Phalladium. So good to be here. Phil Wang. Uh, I’m a mixed race fella. As the name “Phil Wang” might suggest. At some point here, a cultural compromise was made. Yes, well, my father is a Chinese Malaysian, hence the “Wang.” And the rest of my body. My father is Chinese Malaysian, uh, but my mother is, uh, normal. So, yeah, got some sour cream in that chili. [laughs] Didn’t want you to burn your tongue on that hot Wang, so Mama brought the milk. White and Chinese, those are my races. White and Chinese. Phil and Wang. White and Chinese. I’m the most powerful race on Earth! I got the big ones, baby! Smoosh them together. I’m white and Chinese. People have tried to tell me that I’m a minority. [laughs] I’m like, “I’m both majorities, bitch. I’m white and Chinese.” [laughing and applauding] You can’t touch me. I’m Pepsi and Coke. I’m like a full market share. They sell Wang everywhere. I’m white and Chinese. I’m everywhere. You can’t run from me. I’m around every corner. Hello. Ni hao. I’m Alien and Predator. I’m white and Chinese. I’m future-proof, baby. Completely future-proof. No matter what happens over the next 50 years, Wang, or Phil, is fine. [laughs] Probably Wang, though. [laughs] The way things are going. It’s weird looking like me at the moment. In the wake of the COVID pandemic, it’s weird looking like me. Uh, Chinese, not muscular. It’s weird looking Chinese at the moment. This whole pandemic, it’s been bad for the brand, to say the least. Honestly, the last thing we needed, especially in the UK. The last thing East Asian Chinese Brits needed. East Asian Brits, East Asians in Britain, very low profile in the UK. So low, in fact, that we don’t even have the word “Asian” here. Most places in the world, we at least have the word “Asian.” Not in the UK. In the UK, the word “Asian,” usually refers to South Asian, right? Indian, Pakistani, Sri Lankan, Bangladeshi. Which is fine. But there’s this whole other half of Asia they’re missing out on. A whole other, I would say, bigger half. [laughs] There’s a whole other half of Asia missing out there. There’s two types of Asian in the world. There’s more, but I don’t have that much time. Fundamentally, there are two main categories of Asian in the world. There’s Cricket Asian. [laughs] By the sounds of it, you already know who those guys are. You’ve never heard “Cricket Asian” in your life and instantly you knew who I was talking about. So there’s Cricket Asian, and then there’s Eats-Weird-Shit Asian. [laughs] Now, I am a member of Eats-Weird-Shit Asian. I’m a proud Eats-Weird-Shit Asian. I eats that weird shit. But it’s kind of awkward being an Eats-Weird-Shit Asian at the moment ’cause that’s how this whole catastrophe started in the first place. [laughs] One of us ate one piece of weird shit too far. After centuries of living on the wild side, we pushed our luck and it finally snapped on the wings of a bat. It’s awful. Why now? It’s always been fine up till now. I ate weird shit as a kid. Nothing like this ever happened. Growing up in Malaysia, I was eating weird shit. Loved it. Loved eating weird shit. I would eat, like, uh, squid jerky. [growls] I was eating little wriggly sea snails, straight out of the shell. Mmm. I was eating jellyfish. I was eating pig intestine soup. Uh, we’d eat the whole fish for dinner. Whole fish. My little sister would go, “Shotgun, the eyes!” Me and my other sister would be like, “Naw!” It’s just a different culture out there. In the West, people are a little squeamish about the more extreme ends of the culinary spectrum. Out in the East, there’s a sense of delicacy to the strange. Nowhere more so than China. China itself. I got to see this firsthand in China recently. Went there for the first time. China. The big C. Asia Classic. [laughs] Chinatown Plus. China. At the start of 2020, I got to go to China. Unrelated, it wasn’t me. [audience laughs] Awkward timing, in retrospect, but it wasn’t me. I got to go to China for a job, and while I was out there, I got to go to a food market. Not sounding good, I’ll give you that. I got to go to a food market out there in China. And they were selling all sorts of Chinese snacks. There’s stalls selling noodles, some selling buns, blah, blah, blah. But there was one stall that was dedicated to weird pieces of shit. Critters, essentially. Deep-fried, roasted critters. Bugs. Locusts. There was a lizard, on a stick, just dried like: Crucified lizard, like this. People would walk past and go, “Oh, I’ll have the Jesus lizard, please.” Uh, “One Passion of the Lizard, thank you.” [laughs] There were snakes curled up like sausages with a spike through them. I partook, sure! I ate a full tarantula on a stick. Like that. Tried to do it in two halves, surprisingly tough, tarantula. So I had to just down it in one. Like a legend. [laughs] I ate a centipede. Good thing about a centipede, plenty of drumsticks for everyone. [laughs] I ate a couple of roasted cockroaches. But they’re resilient, cockroaches. Crawled out of my butt. They’re gonna inherit the world. It’s just a cultural thing. A cultural difference. Like, in the West, you know that nursery rhyme, I know an old lady who swallowed a fly I don’t know why she swallowed a fly Perhaps she’ll die It’s a banger. [laughs] And in this nursery rhyme, this old lady goes on to eat increasingly large animals to catch the previous animal she ingested, which she now regrets having inside her. First she swallows a fly, by accident. Then she swallows a spider… I know what that’s like. …to catch the fly. Then she swallows a bird to catch the spider, then a cat to catch the bird, then a dog to catch the cat, then a horse to catch the dog. Now, in the West, this nursery rhyme is a cautionary tale… [laughs] …about how sometimes the solution can be worse than the problem. In China, this is a Michelin star tasting menu… [laughs] …with an admittedly heavy dessert, horse! [laughs] Oof. “We’ll just have the one. Two spoons, thank you.” It’s just a cultural difference. But no reason we should get that there racism because of it. That there COVID racism? I don’t want that there COVID racism, no thank you. I’m terrified of that there COVID racism. I don’t want to get that on me. Terrified. Even at home alone, “Oh!” I hear a noise, I’m like, “Racism?” “Did I leave a window open? Did racism get in?” Just me and my devices at home, alone… Even my devices I don’t trust. My devices are racist now. My phone especially. I think my phone is definitely racist. I was on my phone the other day, and I typed the word, uh, “Nazis” into my phone, right? You don’t need to know why. [laughs] I typed the word “Nazis” into my phone. All lowercase, right, n-a-z-i-s, all lowercase. I was in a hurry. You know what sexting’s like. [laughs] You gotta be quick. The vibe’s not gonna last forever. So I typed into my phone, n-a-z-i-s, all lowercase. And then instantly, my phone autocorrected it to replace the “n” at the beginning with a capital “N” as if to say, “Oi! Show some goddamn respect. [laughs] Those are Nazis you’re talking about… Phil Wand.” [laughs] I got a far-right phone that thinks I’m a creepy magician. Terrible. Scary times. Not the scariest times we’ve lived through. Not really the most dangerous times we’ve lived through. But it’s the abstract nature of this new danger that has driven us insane. It’s so abstract. It’s an invisible virus. So abstract, some of us don’t even believe it’s real. Threat and danger have become more abstract as the 21st century’s progressed. With it, we’ve been becoming more insane. At the start of this century, threat and danger were very real, physical, tangible things, you know? After 9/11, War on Terror, back then, the threat, the thing that we were all told to look out for was just a guy, covered in bombs… who would come in and go: [yells] “I’m covered in bombs, everyone! I’m covered in bombs and I love it, to be frank!” [laughs] We’d see him and go, “Okay, I’ll stay away from that guy.” Problem solved. Clear, tangible threat. Then threats started getting abstract. The next thing we were all told to look for was unattended packages. Remember unattended packages? I long for the day of the unattended package. We were obsessed with unattended packages for a while. Mid-noughties, golden age of the unattended package. All we cared about back then, unattended packages and Malcolm in the Middle. Now there were just packages out there. There wasn’t even a guy involved. Now there were just packages out there, and it was down to us to assess each one’s level of attendance. [laughs] Responsibility had shifted onto the public. We all still had our lives to live, but now we’d been burdened with a new unpaid second job of being bag spotters! We’d try our best, but it was terrifying. We’d go out, living our mid-noughties lives, down the library or the cyber cafe… [laughs] …and from time to time, we’d see a backpack just lying on the ground. And we’d freak out! We’d go, [yells] “It’s a package!” “And it’s unattended!” “Quick! Someone attend it!” Then someone would run over, [panting] we’d be like, “Phew. That was close.” [laughs] But then threat got more abstract still. Then with the Internet, as life moved online, the thing we were told to look out for were bots and hackers and Russians. Then we found out none of them could tick a box that says “I’m not a robot.” That seemed to solve the problem. [laughs] Now with the coronavirus, threat is the most abstract it’s ever been. Now threat is like a surface. [laughs] “Be careful of a surface, everyone.” “No, you should be fine, as long as you steer clear of them surfaces. They’ll get you.” Awful to find out, home alone, watching the news. “Oh, shit, surfaces!” I did a quick scan of my flat. Fucking surfaces everywhere! Death trap, that place! Didn’t realize I was living in Saw III. Even now I’m terrified. My friends are like, “Wanna come over, have dinner in the garden?” I’m like, “Uh, maybe. Could you check quickly… Do you have any surfaces over there? [laughs] What are we having dinner on? A table? Are you trying to kill me? You’re out of the bubble, buddy.” [laughs] Scary times, man. I’m getting more scared. Getting older. Maybe you get more fearful as you age. Getting older. That’s scary itself, getting older. Holy shit, I thought I’d at least have this year off. No. Older again. So fucking old now, man. I became so old this year. Don’t know about you guys, but I became older recently. Became so old this year. Broke my personal record, actually. Became so old. I turned 31 this year. Bleh! [jeers] I know. Disgusting. Yes, you’re right. I’m gonna be sick. Bleh! So old. Thirty-freaking-one. I went into lockdown 19 years old. Now I’m 31. Terrible. [laughs] Awful. So fucking old. Thirty-one. This shit’s nearly over, folks. This is my farewell special, by the way. Oh, my God. Knockin’ on hell’s door over here. I’m 31. I’m so old. Uh, this may annoy some people. [laughs] I come onstage and I say, “I’m 31, I’m so old.” There’s always a couple of people in the crowd, like, “Oh, 31’s not old. Oh, shut up, 31’s nothing. You’re a baby. Turning 31. Pfft. Give me a break!” But they’re always really fucking old, so… [laughs] Doesn’t make me feel better. [applause] They’re like 43 and shit. I don’t care. [laughs] Forgive me if I take no comfort from the jealous face of death itself. Mr. Magoo and Maggie Smith think I’m a spring chicken. Oh, great. [laughs] I know 31’s not, like, “old” old. But it’s not “young” young anymore either. It doesn’t fizz with the excitement of the twenties. Thirty-one’s a pretty serious age. One of the first serious ages. Life starts to ossify at 31. Shit starts to get serious. People start committing to things long-term. I’ve got to that age now where all my friends have started having, uh, podcasts. [laughs] So I had to have one too, to keep up with the crowd. But I wasn’t ready. My body’s falling apart. Body’s giving up the fucking ghost, man. Crumbling into a disgusting paste, this body. Awful. Gets worse and worse every day. Every morning I wake up to a new leak on this ship. It doesn’t even make sense anymore, the shit that goes wrong with my body. It used to make sense. Back in the day, I’d stub my toe, then my toe would hurt. It was a clear line of cause and effect. [laughs] Now, my body skips the first step. Just straight to pain, unexplained. I just go, “Oh, why?” And my body’s like, “Fuck you, that’s why.” [laughs] It’s improvising now, my body. It’s gone full jazz. Doesn’t have to make sense at all. Like, the other day I woke up, and one of my balls hurt. It just hurt. I didn’t do anything to it. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t go to bed the night before like: [sighs, then grunts] Now I’m relaxed. I didn’t do that. But still, just one painful ball in the morning. Just exhausted by a long night’s sleep, I guess. [laughs] That’s where I’m at now. Tired by rest. I’ve got a bad back. Thirty-one, back’s a-crackin’. My memory’s not what it used to be. Or maybe it is. I have no way of knowing. [laughs] Maybe it’s the same and I forgot. My farts are disgusting now. My farts are so bad. I thought my farts were bad before. Pfft. Ha! If only young Wang knew… ♪ What fragrant days he lived in ♪ ♪ I should have savored them While I had the chance ♪ Ah! Now my farts are revolting. [laughs] Absolutely disgusting, my farts now. They’re quieter now, I’ll give them that. My farts are quieter now. But they’re worse. For you. [laughs] My young farts were loud and ostentatious. But, ultimately, kind on the nose. They weren’t interested in hurting anyone, my young farts. They were in it for the show, really, my young farts. They were like fireworks, my young farts. [mimics fireworks] Then Chinese people would come. “Yeah. [laughs] Good luck. Good luck for the coming year.” [laughs] Now my farts are like the silent leaking of an abandoned chemical factory. Just slowly poisoning the groundwater. [laughs] Killing the local dogs. It’s terrible. Terrible, my farts are. They’re absolutely disgusting, so bad. Have you ever done a fart so bad that you, uh, lost a bar of Wi-Fi? [laughs] I swear the other day… Swear to God, I was at home and I let one rip and [blows raspberry] Netflix got blurry for a bit. You know when it’s like, it gets the squares. “Come on!” [laughs] Body’s changing, I guess. Body’s changing. Thirty-one, my body’s changing. My mind’s changing. My soul’s changing. My personality’s changed a lot. My opinions. My political persuasion’s changed. So much from a couple years ago. I used to think I was a Socialist. That was me. Just a couple of years ago. Little Philly Philly Wang Wang with his red cap on. [laughs] “Mm! I’m a Socialist. Boo-boo-boo. A little bit for everyone. It only seems fair. [laughs] Boo-boo-boo. Nationalize the sea. Oh, I’m a Socialist.” [laughs] But looking back now, I realize I just didn’t have money. [laughs] I have money now. I’m not sharing that shit! That’s mine! Back off, you dirty Commies! [laughs] Wang made that pound. [laughs] Turns out capitalism’s okay when you got, uh, capital. [laughs] The clue was in the name the whole time. I just want to be rich now. I used to want world peace and now I just want to be fucking minted. And I know that’s not a very meaningful pursuit, money for its own sake. But honesty is a meaningful pursuit. And if I’m being honest, I just want to be loaded. I just wanna be rich. I mean, I’m already rich. We’re all rich, technically speaking. By global standards, everyone in this room is fucking Bezos. Everyone in this room is Nebuchadnezzar by global standards. I don’t give a shit about global standards. Have you been to the globe? [laughs] The globe is filthy. We don’t live in the globe. We live in the UK. On the edge of the world, looking in, tutting. I don’t wanna be globe-rich. That’s like 10 pounds. I don’t wanna be globe-rich. I wanna be proper rich. I want to be UK rich. And not just for the big, obvious things. Not the cars, houses, killing people and getting away with it. [laughs] That’s all lovely, sure. But it’s the little things that I want to be rich for. The little touches that make being rich wonderful. Like, I wanna send a bottle of champagne across a restaurant to an acquaintance who hasn’t noticed I’m there yet. [laughs] Mwah! That’s some sweet rich-person-only shit. I’ve seen that in the films and Wang wants in. They’re over there, all sad on their own, eating their fish, and they ain’t got no champagne. Out of nowhere, the waiter pops up. “Oh, this is from the gentleman over there in the rabbit onesie.” [laughs] I’m rich! I can wear what I like! You’ve not seen opulence till you’ve seen a full-grown man doff an ear… [laughs] …across a crowded Bella Italia. [laughs] Mm. Mwah! Ooh, la, la. It’d certainly impress my date. I’m back on the dating scene now. [whooping] Single once more. Ah, yes. [laughs] Single fella, single now. Broke up with my girlfriend. Great way to become single. Highly effective, it turns out. So once more, dating. Dating too much, man. Dating way too much. Dating too much. Dating far too much. Chasing my tail with all the dating. Running in this mirage of happiness that keeps receding further into the horizon. I’m trying to make up for something with all this dating. I’m trying to make up for what I perceive to have been a rather, uh, sexless youth. You know? I mean, not childhood. Probably for the best, whatever. [laughs] But later. Like late teens, early twenties. That time in your life when you’re supposed to get it out of your system. Just get on your knees, batten down the hatches and just fuckin’… [laughs] Just experiment! Fucking yeah! Just fuck your way to clarity. [laughs] Move on, get a job, buy a sensible hatchback. I never did that. I never made the most of those opportunities. University, the big one. I didn’t really have sex at university. Uh, for religious reasons. Uh, God hates me. [laughs] I’ve been trying to make up for it. I’ve been trying to pay back this sexual deficit I feel I incurred. This sexual debt upon which I have imposed my own rate of interest that I cannot keep up with. Deep in with the Wang Bank over here. [laughs] Sure, the occasional repayment is fun enough, but it’s not a tenable way to live. I’m on the old dating apps too. On the old apps. Gotta get on the apps. That can be a depressing venture. I discovered pits of desperation I did not know I was low enough to crawl into, on the dating apps. Like, have you ever swiped right on a group photo… [laughs] …not knowing which one of them it is, just, “Yeah, any of them. Yeah, whatever. I’ll date anyone who can afford that ski trip.” [laughs] There’s a Labrador in there. “I’ll take the dog, whatever. He’s got a healthy coat.” Beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose, and East Asian guys, we have a difficult time on the dating apps. This is a documented phenomenon. East Asian men have the hardest time on dating apps of any group. In the West. I think in, like, Korea, they’re fine. [laughs] But in the West, East Asian men, Chinese men, we’re rarely considered viable, sexual options. It’s not how we’re portrayed in public culture, in media. We’re never really the sexy guys. Usually we’re portrayed as these sort of gormless, bucktooth fools who are primarily asexual. Like, completely uninterested in sex. Which is mad, considering how many Chinese people there are. [laughs] 1.4 billion people, that’s with the one-child policy. We fuck so good they had to give us a rule. [laughs] [applauding and whooping] No one else got a rule. But still, you know, these negative perceptions persist. But I understand. I’m not angry about it. A culture’s aesthetic tastes, its beauty standards, are a difficult thing to shift, informed by many things. What a society finds beautiful is informed by its own cultural makeup, it’s informed by its literature, its language and its poetry. And sometimes I think the English language just isn’t equipped to fully appreciate East Asian male beauty. [laughs] For example, we have very dark eyes, right? East Asian guys have very dark eyes. Some of us have very dark eyes. Some of us have black eyes. Coal-black eyes of a snake. I don’t know if you’ve tried, but it’s very difficult to be romantic, in English, at least, about black eyes. If you have blue eyes, green eyes, good for you, that shit’s easy. [laughs] “Oh, you have green eyes! Like the purest emerald. Oh! Oh, you have blue eyes. When I look in your eyes, it’s like I’m swimming in the ocean. Oh!” Whatever. Black eyes. What can you say about black eyes? “Oh, you have black eyes. They remind me of death. [laughs] They are like the endless abyss. When I look in your eyes, it’s like I’m closing my eyes.” [laughs] Still, I guess I do all right. Um… I’ve dated some lovely ladies. Got no kids to show for it, as a bonus. No kids. No-child policy over here. [laughs] I don’t have any kids. My ex, she was on the old contraceptives. Yeah, a couple of fans in? Big fan of the contraceptives. Grateful to my ex for being on contraceptives. Grateful to all you ladies, for being on the old contraceptives. [women whooping] Thank you very much, yes. On behalf of the fellas, cheers. [laughs] Appreciate it. You’ve been taking one for the team for a while. Not gone unnoticed. [laughs] You’re doing great work. Keep it up. And it’s not fair that you ladies have to do most of it still. ‘Cause it’s not like male equivalents haven’t been developed. They have! We just haven’t told ya. [laughs] We’re sneaky like that, us guys. It’s why you love us. They have. They made a male pill a couple years ago. They came up with a contraceptive pill for men. But the test subjects found that it actually sort of altered their body chemistry. Made them feel a bit sad. [laughs] So they all went… “Hm… Must not be ready yet. [laughs] Women can keep using their pill, which we presume is perfect by now.” A mechanical solution was developed for the guys. A little cork device that they just… Right there. Right there. The equivalent of the coil. Right there. Cork and the Coil. There’s a kids book. Right there. Just a little cork they put right there. Brute force approach, it worked. Right there. A little cork they put up there in the tube. It’ll just sit up there and stop the swimmers getting through. Just like a hard border. Right there. Just like putting a difficult immigrations officer up inside. [laughs] “These passports are expired!” They’ll have to swim back and: “Aw…” [laughs] I do quite a good sperm impression. I don’t know why. I’m half sperm. Yeah. [laughs] Uh, dad’s side, if you’re wondering. But again, men found that procedure a little invasive, so… They went, “Uh, women can keep using the implant for now.” It’s not fair. It’s not fair, ladies. I appreciate that, and, men, we should help. We should help carry that burden. Share the load. Pardon the pun. [laughs] But there’s an intractable problem with male contraception. Which no one in the industry seems to be talking about. An intractable problem with male contraception, which is that, even if a guy were to get these things done to him, with the best of intentions, what woman is going to believe him? [laughs] Right? There’s a lot of trust that goes with unseen contraception. A lot of jeopardy. None of the jeopardy falls on the man’s side. You know? A lady gets pregnant, she deals with it. The guy, he can just fuck off. I mean, you shouldn’t. [laughs] You shouldn’t, fellas. You shouldn’t. But you totally can. But you shouldn’t! [laughs] You mustn’t… Don’t! But it’s very easy. But you shouldn’t! But you must refrain. But flights are so cheap now. But you shouldn’t! [laughs] You can get the Belgian passport on the dark web. Know that? Full Belgian passport. [laughs] Different name, new address. But you shouldn’t! But the option’s always open to you. If you’re a lady, you gotta deal with that shit. The guy, you don’t really. Which is why we don’t need convincing a lady’s sorted out with contraceptives. You can make shit up, ladies. Have fun with it. Could be like, “Oh, yeah, a magical squirrel put a curse on me once, and, uh, now I cannot bear child.” [laughs] And even a smart guy would be like, “Yeah, I think I read that. Yeah, sure. Let’s do it.” It doesn’t work the other way around. Say all these male contraceptives come on the market. I go down to the clinic. Get tooled up. And I go out on the town. Take it for a spin. [laughs] Then I go to a bar, chat up a girl. She’s into it for some reason. Maybe she’s sick. [laughs] We go back to my place. We start kissing. Sure, why not? It’s 2021, keep up. We start kissing. We get a little bit less-than-clothed. A little nakey-nu, as they say in France. And… just before we get down and dirty, she goes, “Ooh, you have any protection?” And I just go, “Don’t worry, baby. Wang’s on the pill. [laughs] Who, me? I got a cork in my balls! I know you’ve never heard of it, but trust me! The man you met at All Bar One. [laughs] I got a cork in my balls! Put ’em in the sink. They’ll float, you’ll see.” [laughs] That’d never work. I need a doctor’s note from the UN for that shit! I’d need Malala to sign it. “He’s got a cork in his balls. I am Malala.” I’d love a cork in my balls. You kiddin’? Oh! I’d love a cork in my balls! London Palladium, if you take nothing else from this show… And you won’t. [laughs] …please remember Phil would love a cork in his balls! Can you imagine the peace of mind that must come with having a cork in your balls? [laughs] Oh! I’d just swan about town, making love, not a care in the world with a cork in my balls. When I do meet the one and want to settle down, I just pop that shit like champagne. [laughs] Across a crowded Bella Italia. [laughing and applauding] Thank you. Love a… I’d love a cork in my balls. I’d love a cork in my balls. I would absolutely love a cork in my balls. I wouldn’t want the pill. I don’t want to be on the male pill. I don’t want another thing to remember to do. I got enough shit in my routine. That’s the most impressive one, the pill. I’m in so much admiration for women on the pill. That’s the most badass one. It requires the most of you. The discipline. The determination. The strength of character. The memory, just the memory! You have to remember to do it every day. It’s gotta be hard. No matter what, you gotta remember every day. It’s gotta be difficult. Especially if you’re not getting any at the time. Brief moment of candor, ladies, but that’s gotta be a kick to the old soul there… [laughs] if you’re a sister going through a dry patch… and you still gotta pop the old sex pill every day. That’s a bit of a taunt, isn’t it? [laughs] Every day. Think of what that is. If you’re not having sex at the time, being on the contraceptive pill, that is a daily, oral reminder of your own squandered sexual potential. Every day just a gulp of loneliness with breakfast. [groans] Every day. Only women are emotionally strong enough to persist with something like that. Can you imagine if guys had to do anything like that? We wouldn’t last a week! Can you imagine if guys had to get up every morning, just crawl out of bed, and just strap on a condom every morning? Just like… [whimpers] “Maybe today. [laughs] Hopefully. [whines]” Just rolls it up his flaccid penis. [whining] [laughs] Pulls up his trousers and goes to work with his condom on. [groaning] [laughs] It rides down all day like a tube top. He’s gotta keep pulling… [laughs] Distracts him at work. [groans] “Andy, are you all right?” “Sorry, it’s just…” “You’re fired.” “Oh, no.” He goes out clubbing that night. “Yeah. Oh, no.” Tries to chat up a girl. “You look nice.” “Ew, gross. Fuck off.” He has to go home alone. Up to his bedroom. “Not today.” [laughs] He just peels off this dry condom. Staples it to that day on the calendar. [laughs] [applause] Just think about the story you applauded. [laughs] I’d love a cork in my balls. [audience laughs] I’d love a cork in my balls. It doesn’t make sense for ladies to do it still. In the 21st century, it makes no sense. It used to. Back in the day. Back when we were nomads roaming the plains. You remember those times. It made sense. Back then, duties of the sexes were clearly delineated. Back then, the lady, she took on full reproductive responsibility ’cause the guy, he’d taken on full survival responsibility. Right? He goes out there, you know, fighting off rival tribes and gathering meat. But now anyone can buy a fuckin’ Subway, you know. Who cares? Doesn’t matter who does what anymore. But back in the day, it did matter. Back then if a lady got pregnant, that was a full-time job. ‘Cause it takes it out of you, being preggers on the savanna. It’s brutal, the human pregnancy. Uniquely brutal in the animal kingdom. For a species our size, it takes a long time. It leaves a woman physically incapacitated. We’re an upright animal, which is weird already, and now, she can’t bend over to pick up any rocks to throw at a saber-tooth. [laughs] So she has to keep her fella sweet so he’ll hang around and protect her. “Hey, baby, this mammoth giving you trouble?” [laughs] Fight off the triceratops. My history’s not great. She’s walking around, pregnant. For nine months! A sitting duck for nine months! Then she gives birth to that thing. It’s not over yet, lady! Now she’s gotta pick it up and hold it! For, like, two years. That’s her arms gone now. She can’t even uppercut the pterodactyls anymore. [laughs] She’s gotta hold this fuckin’ useless baby all the time! ‘Cause they’re useless, human babies. Fucking useless… Fucking useless, human babies. Sorry. [laughs] Absolutely useless, human babies. A moment away from death at all times. Can’t survive on their own at all. The second they’re born, with their big, bowling ball heads balanced precariously on their toothpick necks. Every time you pick one up, they’re like, “Try not to kill me!” [laughs] That’s why we came up with morality in the first place. You know, humans, we had to invent this thing called kindness so we didn’t boot our babies into the bush and move on! ‘Cause they’re liabilities! Other animals don’t need morality. Other animals’ babies are instant survival experts. You know? Like a baby elephant. You seen one? That thing just falls out of its mum. [splats] [laughs] Then it just gets up and just starts walking. Like it’s catching up with a pub crawl, “Oh, shit, sorry, everyone. It’s fine. No, it’s fine. Sorry. [applause] I thought I left my phone, but I got it.” [laughs] I’d love a cork in my balls. [laughs] I’d love a cork in my balls. Because, ladies, I am an ally. [women whooping] Just kidding. That was a test, you failed. [laughs] Never trust a man who says that. Yes. That was a test and you passed. [laughs] Never trust a man that says that. He’s probably lying! Just because a person claims to be something, does not mean they are that particular something. And you can take that from me. Miss Nigeria 2015. [laughs] Hard to be an ally now. Everyone’s got to be a very good person. It’s hard. I’ve realized I’m not a good person. I’m not a good person. I’m not a bad person, but I’m not selfless enough to be a good person. You know? Over the course of this pandemic, we’ve seen what it takes to be good. You gotta give shit up to look after others. I won’t do that. I’m not a good person. I’m not a bad person, before you worry. I’m not a bad person. I’m in between. Like, for example, I once accidentally sat on a cat. All right? It was an accident! But I didn’t get up straight away. You know, that’s… [laughs] That’s where I am on the spectrum. I knew it was wrong, but I took my time. But I’m decent, you know. I’m a decent guy. I wouldn’t go out of my way to hurt anyone, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to help them either. I just wouldn’t go out of my way. That’s my moral code. If you’re falling over, I’ll catch you, but you need to be falling onto me, pretty much. [laughs] Got a bad back. Can’t be running around catching fools. It’s okay to be decent. Especially if you’re a guy. We’ve made it pretty easy for ourselves. We’ve spent centuries, us guys, lowering the moral bar for ourselves so all that’s required for us to be one of the good ones is to not be bad. It’s harder for women. Women are held to a higher ethical standard. I think the word “decent” illustrates this clearly. If you’re a decent guy, that’s a compliment. Notice that? “You gotta meet my friend Paul. He’s a decent guy.” “Shit! Let’s get a drink with Paul now! [laughs] Every second without Paul is a living nightmare! Where are you, Paul?!” There just seems to be more weight to the word “decent” if it’s a man. Like, if you went to a man’s funeral, you know, and the priest said, “Alan was a decent man.” You’d be like, “[gasps] Oh, no! Alan sounded like a great guy! Aw, I should’ve hung out more with Alan! Now I’ve missed out on all that sweet Alan time. Rest in peace, you hero. See you up there.” [laughs] If you went to a woman’s funeral, and the priest said, “Susie was a decent woman.” [laughs] You’d be like: “Ugh. [laughs] Susie wasn’t trying, was she? [laughs] Sounds like your heart wasn’t in it, Suze! What did you die of? A lack of effort? Christ! Put her in the ground. Let’s have some sandwiches.” It’s difficult to be a good person all the time. It’s difficult to feel like a good person. All the time at the moment. I don’t feel like a good person at the moment. Especially in the wake of this COVID pandemic, I feel… It sounds silly. …a little responsible for it all. Because if we’re out to believe the leading theory, this pandemic, this virus, started in a meat market in China. So if you’re being lazy and a bit racist about the whole thing, you could blame the pandemic on two groups of people, Chinese people and meat eaters. Now, I don’t know about you, but I am both of those things. [laughs] I’m a Chinese meat eater. All right. One of those things I can’t change. Obviously. No matter how hard I try, I can’t do anything about. And the other would require some sort of facial reconstruction to look less Chinese. [laughing and applauding] It sounds expensive and painful. Yeah. Gotta hand it to the vegans, though. They were right the whole time, the vegans. You shouldn’t cram animals unnaturally close to one another. It’ll all end in tears. And they’ve been proved right in the most dramatic way imaginable. And to their credit, they have seen this opportunity for a huge worldwide I-told-you-so, and they let it pass. [laughs] With uncharacteristic grace. But I think that’s ’cause deep down, they’re smug about the whole thing. They’re being quietly smug because they know this is their world now. This is the world of the vegan now. The COVID era is the age of the vegan. Because who better equipped to thrive in the coronavirus age than someone for whom a loss of taste would be a blessed relief. [laughs] [whooping and applauding] “Pass me the mushroom burger, baby! I’ve tested positive! We’re having seconds tonight.” I’m not a vegan myself. I’ve given it a good go. I gave veganism a good go over the course of a meal. [laughs] I’ve decided, that instead, to offset my carbon footprint, I will just die 20 years early. There’s an old Buddhist proverb that goes, “A short life well-lived is better than a long one with quinoa.” [laughs] And I think there’s a lot of wisdom in those old texts. I’ve been trying to eat healthier. I’ve been trying to get slimmer, fitter, healthier. Working out and all that. I’ve let go of the, uh, comforting, but rather spurious idea that a person’s physical appearance is of no importance at all. It’s not everything, but it’s not nothing either. There’s a happy medium somewhere in between. But I used to comfort myself with all these old platitudes, you know. Doesn’t matter how I look on the outside, it’s who I am on the inside that counts. It turned out who I was on the inside was having trouble breathing. So… [laughs] Even the most well-meaning ideologies have their practical limits. So I started working out, put some work in, started working out, exercising. I lost some weight. Lost a good bit of weight. I lost some weight. [silence] Thank you! [laughs] Appreciate it. Really kind. Made it all worth it. Thanks. Lost some weight recently, lost a good bit. Mainly from my, uh, dick, which is a shame. [groans] [laughs] Never know where it’s gonna come off, do you? You always hope it’s your belly or jawline. For me, it’s my penis. This is my body now. This is my physique. I’m content. I’m content with this body. I’m not happy. Don’t worry, I’ve not lost my mind. I’m not happy with my body. But I’m content, you know. We’re under too much pressure to be happy with our bodies. It’s not really the job of your body to make you happy. Because what is your body? Your body is just a compromise you’ve made between the lifestyles you want to live at the same time. [laughs] You know? What is your body? Your body is the intersection between your ideal… and your effort. Right? This is my body. This is not the body I want. I want a better body. But this is how much I want that body. [laughs] [applauding] It’s not like I’ve had no say in the matter. Just trying to look good. Started working out. Gone to the gym. [woman whoops] Started working out. Thank you! I started doing, uh, Pilates. [women whooping] Yeah, that’s right. Old Philates Wang over here. [laughs] I love the Philates. Gotta get on the ol’ Pilates, everyone. Pilates for the back, you see. If you don’t know what Pilates is, uh, Pilates is basically atheist yoga. [laughs] That’s all it seems to be. Pilates. I’ve been doing it a while now. It’s just atheist yoga. It’s yoga without all the fuckin’, you know, ghosts! There’s none of that. [laughs] None of that in Pilates. [applauding] Pilates is more like, “Bend over the stick. There is no God!” That’s Pilates. [laughs] I think it’s German. Started, uh, doing Pilates. Trying to look better. Trying to look better in my thirties. 31. Trying to catch the pieces as they fall off, put them back in place. [laughs] I’ve started getting better haircuts. This is better, believe it or not! I used to be a real cheapskate with the haircuts. I used to go down to the nearest Lebanese guy, give him 10 pounds and he’d throw a pair of scissors at my head. [laughs] I’d hope for the best. I live in the Lebanese part of London. I don’t hunt down Lebanese people. Now I go a bit further afield to an East Asian barber. Now, East Asian hair is quite a unique beast. It needs the appropriate lived experience. You know? So I go to an East Asian barber now. I go to a Japanese place. Because I forgive them. [laughs] You know, Nanking was a while ago. PlayStation’s pretty good. Fair enough. [laughs] I like my barber. Cool guy. My barber Tucker. Cool guy, Tucker. Cool Japanese barber. I like Tucker. We have good conversations while I’m in the chair. He’s, uh, got very good English, Tucker. He’s been in the UK a few years now. But he still has a strong Japanese accent. And understandably, from time to time, he will not know the English word that he’s reaching for. But for some reason, he does know the English word, “whatchamacallit.” [laughs] I don’t know how, where he learned this word. But I’m so glad he did. Because it imbues all our conversations with magic. So I’ll be sat in his chair. He’ll be cutting my hair. He’ll just be telling me about his weekend. He’ll just go like, [in Japanese accent] “I was, uh, watching TV in my apartment sitting on my sofa… and I saw an advert for the… [groans] Whatchamacallit… [laughs] Whatchamacallit…” [laughs] [in normal voice] There’s no point to this story. I just think it’s funny when he says, “whatchamacallit.” It’s a good word to know if you don’t know other words. It catches a lot of them. Classic Japanese efficiency there. [laughs] I feel like some of you got uncomfortable when I did a Japanese accent. Which is, of course, insane. But I understand. These are racially fractious times, aren’t they? Hard to know what is right and wrong. What is acceptable and what is not. What you can laugh at and what you can’t. And far be it for me to expect you to take an unnecessary risk for my benefit. [laughs] So you are forgiven. However, for future reference, and to protect you from future cowardice, I… For future reference, I’ve come up with some rules. Some rules of thumb to help you decide in the moment whether or not it is morally acceptable to do another person’s accent. Would you like to hear the rules? [all] Yeah! Of course you would, you fuckin’ bigots! [laughs] So the first rule is, the umbrella rule, the catchall rule is, if it’s a good accent… [laughing] play ball. That’s fair. If it’s a good accent, if you put in the time, research and practice to really nail that sucker down, I don’t think anyone has any right to complain. What can they even say? “Hey, come on, that’s bang on.” What can they say? Fuck it. [applauding] If it’s a good accent, have at it. Now, that doesn’t cover me in every situation. So the second rule is, if the accent in question belongs to a people who at any time had an empire… [laughs] or were on the naughty side during the war… they’re not allowed to complain either! [laughs] Now, this gets you more accents than you think. You get the obvious ones, like English, French, Dutch, Portuguese, Spanish, German, blah, blah, blah. But you get fun ones too! [laughs] You get Japanese. You get, uh, Italian. [laughs] You get Turkish. You get Russian. You get Egyptian. You get Chinese! Yeah! Might not be expecting old Wang to give you this green light, but… [laughs] I’m hoist with my own petard, yeah. China is on a perpetual imperial mission, taking over the world. You’re allowed to do a Chinese accent. We’re strong enough. Uh, we can take it. [laughs] I don’t give a shit when someone does a Chinese accent. Water off a Wang’s back. [laughs] The eagle does not concern himself with the impressions of the worm. [laughs] Couldn’t care less when people do Chinese accents. Don’t care. My friends seem to care. My white woke friends care very much when someone does an offensive Chinese accent. They’ll tell me about people doing offensive Chinese accents. I’ve never asked them to. But apparently I have this network of terrified spies… [laughs] …who just rush off into the world, get offended on my account and rush back to report. “[whimpering] Did you see? That celebrity did a Chinese accent! Piers Morgan did a Chinese accent. Gigi Hadid on Instagram, she did the eyes. I won’t do them now, but she did the eyes. Aren’t you sad? Aren’t you offended? Do you feel diminished? You’ll be okay.” [mumbles, then groans] We’re going to kill all of you. [laughing and applauding] We don’t want to remember who did it, who didn’t do it… Whatever. Enjoy! Whatever, who cares. Enjoy. We’re busy, actually. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re busy. Handle your own HR, we’re busy! [laughs] We’re flying to the moon. Raking over your footprints. We’re busy. Taking thousands of photos of your city centers for reconnaissance. [laughs] We’re busy. “Oh, just a tourist, just a tourist.” [laughing and applauding] [in Mandarin] Ready, fire! [laughs] [in English] We’re going to eat you all. And you won’t even be the weirdest shit we ate that day. [laughs] Guys, thank you so much for coming out. Have a good night! [cheering and applauding] [hip-hop music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kathleen Madigan: Madigan Again (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kathleen-madigan-madigan-again-transcript/

As our friend Jeff Harmon says, you know a city’s great when it welcomes you with a fist… A big, black fist. It’s right in your face. No explanation. Just… “Guess what. Somebody, while you’re here, may or may not punch you in the face, and this is what the fist will look like when it comes to your face.” Yeah, it’s Joe Louis’. Look it up. Bye. White castle. I need to get a little drink of beer before I do this, maybe two. Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend and someone who is probably the funniest person I know. Please give a good, loud, warm Detroit welcome to Kathleen Madigan. Wow. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. And how about one big hand for a guy working for $500 tonight… Mr. Lewis Black? Thank you guys so much for coming out, and this took me 25 years to have enough say-so to… “Well, where do you want to tape your special?” “Well, you have to go here. You have to go there.” And now, finally, I’m old enough where I go, “no, no. We’re gonna go where I want to go.” And they go, “where do you want to go?” I said, “I want to go to  .” And they said, “why?” I said, “two reasons. I’m not sure I’m fond of all of you, and I know that in Detroit, at any given moment, something weird and bad could happen to all of you. And second of all, the people of Detroit… perhaps for those of you who haven’t read a newspaper… are the most optimistic people. They’re still there. Do you understand? They are still there.” “60 minutes” has covered it. 20/20″ has covered it. The New York Times has covered it, and what is the conversation at the dinner table? Well, something’s gonna happen. It’s got to turn around. I mean, I don’t know when, but I’m certainly not leaving yet. I have hope. I mean, that Kwame Kilpatrick was crazy, but you move on. You do, you move on… And you find a better man.” I do love this city. And, you know, I don’t know if this is progress, but normally, and this is my city included, we’re usually flip-flopped in number one and number two in murder. It’s usually Detroit and then St. Louis, which is why I feel so close to you people. I understand the element that you live with, that at any moment, shit could get weird. Just driving down the road. You don’t know. Things could get weird, but this year, no, no, no, no. Number one, Flint. Yeah. I’m like, “how? How is that possible? There’s not even any people there.” Are they just shooting people that drive by and counting that? Are they, like, tricking people to Flint? “Free money!” And then they shoot them and go, “there’s another one. We’re so gonna win this year.” And I don’t think it’s fair that Detroit dropped to number three just because you’ve actually shot everyone. Just because you did a good job doesn’t mean you should lose gold ranking. Because there’s lovely parts of Detroit. Here, this whole area. People don’t know that, though. They only know what you see on the news. You know, like, “are you afraid to go to Detroit?” No, I’m not afraid to go to Detroit. I’m not afraid of normal things. It amazes me when… My friend is a DVD distributor, and he’s like, “you know what people love? Horror movies, ’cause teenagers… They love to pay to be frightened.” I go, “that’s because they have not lived long enough to know that real life will scare the shit out of you.” There is no reason to go pay to be scared, ’cause at this age, I could care less if a vampire walked in my house. I truly wouldn’t even blink in an eye. But look at this mole. Yeah, that scares me. Look at that mole. Yeah. It’s got ridges on it now. It didn’t three weeks ago, but I don’t have time to go to a doctor, so I just ask other comedians. Like, “hey, does that look fucked up to you?” And they go, “no.” I go, “cool.” And then I go have another beer and forget about it. Yeah, really, you’re gonna pay to be scared? I’ll scare you. Here’s a letter from the IRS. Do you want to open that now or after you’ve eaten lunch and you can vomit your $8 lunch special? I’m not afraid of a burglar. I’m afraid of the mailman. That’s who I’m afraid of. That son of a bitch hasn’t brought anything good to my house since I was ten. That’s the last time I got a birthday card with money in it. That was it. Ever since then, nothing. But I do love the post office, which is a bit of a dichotomy, because I cannot believe at this age, I have friends that when they raised the price of a stamp, my friends will go insane. Young people in their 30s and 40s. It’s not old people on a budget. 30-year-olds. “My god, they raised the price of stamps. “Jesus Christ, this is highway robbery. This federal government…” Really? It’s 49 cents. You’re angry about that? ‘Cause I feel the exact opposite way. I cannot believe, to this day, that I can walk into a building with a piece of paper in my hand and look at a full-grown adult and go, “hey… “49 cents… Will you take this to Alaska?” They go, “yes, ma’am. We’ll have it there in two days. Is there anything else you’d like?” “More stamps. This is crazy.” And then the government’s cutting some of the post office. That makes me sad, ’cause then there’s always that big argument. Should the government pay for programs like that or not? I don’t know. I feel back and forth. PBS… Mitt Romney said cancel it. No. That’s Sesame Street. You can’t do that. But you could do PBS better than it’s being done. I can tell you… I don’t get it. I know in hotels it’s always the channel that’s on. So, like, I’ll come home from a show. Maybe I’ve had two or four glasses of wine, and maybe it’s late, and maybe I’m in a sentimental mood, and that’s what PBS does. They show sentimental concerts. It’s those three old people sitting on a couch. It’s like they’re talking directly to you. “Hey, Kathleen, welcome home from the show. Did you have a good time tonight?” “Yeah, yeah, I did. I had a good time tonight.” “Would you like to hear a little John Denver this evening?” “Yes, I love John Denver.” I don’t tell people that. It sounds geeky, and I’m still really angry at him for not putting enough gas in his airplane. I don’t understand… I don’t understand how you do that. You’re an American icon. Check your gas Gauge. All right, okay. “But, yes, I’d like to hear some John Denver.” “Would you like to hear John Denver sing ‘Sunshine’?” “Yeah. I love ‘sunshine.'” And then, bam, they blast you to red rocks. There it is, Colorado, red rocks, 1978. There’s John Denver singing it. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me… And then he’s gone, and it’s the old people again. “Hey, Kathleen, were you enjoying that song?” “Yeah, yeah, I was.” “Would you like to hear John sing the rest of ‘Sunshine’?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would.” “Well, here’s the thing. We are $84 short, and we got Peter, Paul, and Mary coming up next, and I know you don’t want ‘puff the magic dragon’ interrupted, so why don’t you just go ahead and put $250 down on your credit card and enjoy your evening?” You wonder about our government spending money. You wonder who makes these decisions, ’cause Lewis and I have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan over and over, and we… Please, don’t. That’s very kind that you clapped. Yeah. I don’t even say that for applause, ’cause, really, I wouldn’t go if I remembered the number and didn’t pick up. It’s just I’m too catholic, and I’m too guilty to say no. I can’t lie like that. I’m a terrible liar. They would know I was lying. No, I just go. But Afghanistan, I mean, with the… Unbelievable. I don’t even understand. You get there, and you’re like, “what, what, what are we… What are we going for here?” ‘Cause they… It’s a horrible, horrible place. It’s freezing, which you would never think, because on the news, when you see the Taliban guys, they’re always just in a sheet. They don’t have, like, a… They don’t wear a parka and mittens and stuff. It looks like fall, and you wear your sheet wear, and you run around and… It looks like fall, and I always thought that’s why I would be a horrible terrorist, because I’m already prone to naps, and if you put me in a sheet all day, my god. Forget it, I would never leave the cave. I would be the worst terrorist ever. I’d be like, “yeah, I know everybody’s really mad, but I’m just gonna guard the cave while you guys go do that, and I’m gonna take a nice nap in this thread count. Have you felt my thread count? And I have a pillow conveniently located on the top of my head.” It’s freezing. It’s, like, ten degrees in Afghanistan, and there’s sand flying in your face at all times. I don’t care what direction you look. There’s sand flying in your face. So, it doesn’t even make sense. In my Midwest mind, if sand’s flying in my face, I should be in a swimming suit, holding a multicolored alcoholic drink I forgot I loved, where’s I’m like… “Rum! I love rum! I haven’t had this since I vomited in high school. I… This is delicious.” It’s just, it’s freez… ’cause my brother goes, “how bad was it?” I go, “here’s how bad it was, Pat. Here’s what I want you to do. Go out into your garage. Take off all your clothes. Get into your walk-in freezer, and then, every 15 minutes, I’m gonna come out there and throw sand in your face.” Yeah. They flew us around in Black Hawk helicopters. The doors are open. People are shooting at you. You can see the ground, ’cause that’s how close you are to the ground, which is creepy, and at one point, we… And it’s very loud. You have these headphone things on. We flew over a bunch of camels just running around, and Lew goes, “are those wild?” I said, “I don’t know what you mean by that, but I don’t see saddles on them, and I don’t see tiny monkey jockeys, and I don’t see a betting window, so I don’t think we’re at a camel track. Yes, I think they’re wild.” He goes, “where are we?” It’s like, “I don’t know, but from what I can see, I’d say we’ve flown to the Bible.” “And the old testament, Lew, the bad Bible, where shit’s on fire for no reason. God is a lunatic. ‘You’re misbehaving. I’m throwing locusts at your heads.’ bleh, bleh, bleh! Not the new testament, Lew. Not the fun Bible, where there’s wine-and-cheese parties and people are getting risen from the dead.” “Hey, I’m back. I’m back. I’m Lazarus. I was dead an hour ago. I don’t understand what’s happening. Where’s the wine? I heard he’s making wine somewhere. That guy…” “Love that guy.” That’s how horrible it is, and you go, “really? This is what we’re spending our money on?” And they go, “Kathleen, you know, we hardly ever have female entertainers. You should go down to the female marine tent and have a little talk with them.” I said, “okay.” So, I go down there. I go, “what do you ladies do all day on the base?” They go, “we go into the local Taliban-run town and speak to the women, the locals, about women’s rights.” I go, “really?” I go, “do you speak Afghani or whatever it is?” And they were like, “no.” I go, “do they speak English?” They were like, “no.” I said, “let me get this straight. Our federal government is paying for you to go into a Taliban-run town and play a game of charades…” “With a lady dressed up like a beekeeper…” “And try to trick her into leaving her husband, who thinks it’s the year 11, by the way, and he liked that year.” That was a great year if you were a dude… 11. I just don’t see that happening. Call me a pessimist. I just don’t see that lady whipping that burka off and going, “that’s it, Mohammed. Seriously, I’ve had it. I’ve had it. I’m leaving you. Seriously, as soon as this country gets a road. I mean, we don’t have any roads yet, but as soon as those dumb-ass Americans build us a road, I am so out of here with it.” And it’s not just dumb-ass Americans. No. Everybody’s involved in Afghanistan. It’s a whole NATO thing, ’cause when you get on the base, they tell you, first of all, you’re gonna be bunking with some Afghani soldiers. “Really? I’m not totally comfortable with that. There’s some Canadians. Maybe we could switch them out, ’cause those are nice people, and they like beer, and I can talk to them about Wayne Gretzky or something. Why… why can’t we do a switch-a-rooni?” They take you on the tour of the base. What’s even more surprising than the Afghanis is they go, that’s the Canadian soldiers’ tent. That’s the French. That’s the Germans. That’s the Belgians.” I’m like, “back up. Did you just say the German soldiers’ tent? When were they allowed back in the game? I think there should’ve been a vote. I don’t understand how they’ve snuck back in. Do you people not have the history channel? They can’t be trusted yet. Every 50 years, they get together and have too many beers, and things get weird worldwide, not just in a bar.” They said, “well, no, you know, that’s the deal.” And you go to your tent, and there’s no alcohol in this country. That’s the number-one reason I would be angry if I lived there. The more I was around these people in their homeland, the more I understood their anger and their willingness to blow themselves up. There’s no alcohol at all. And it’s not like, ha, ha, sneaky, sneaky. No. None. Then, when you go to bed in your bunk, and for… Over loudspeakers, every four hours throughout the entire country, so there’s no escaping it, you will hear this… And then it turns into “landslide.” And the landslide brought… Okay, no, it doesn’t, but it did in my head. I made it do that every night in my head. I’ve been afraid of… My god. My god. And the first night, I didn’t know what it was, and I jumped out of my bunk, and I put my glasses on, and Lew’s still sound asleep. I’m like, “wake up. What’s happening? What is that man singing? What is… are we being attacked? I knew we shouldn’t have left our helmets in the Van. I didn’t trust that man. I wanted my helmet.” He goes, “Kathleen, you’re crazy. It’s just their call to prayer. Get back in your bunk and be quiet.” I said, “sorry.” I go back to my bunk, but I noticed all the Afghani soldiers did it. Boom, as soon as they heard that man, they got their prayer mats out. They jumped out, and they all got down, and they faced left. It was… I don’t know what direction it was. It was left to me. In my world, that’s a hard left from my bunk, right? I’d always do a left ’cause that’s what I saw first. But I thought, you know, no wonder these people are angry. They have no alcohol, and they’ve never slept eight hours in a row. I mean, are you kidding me? This goes on every four hours? But I couldn’t believe their obedience. Think whatever you want to think about their religion. Look at their obedience. I am catholic. That whole program would last… One night. That would be it. One night. They would try it one night, and then the excuses would start, and that would be my favorite part. “Well, here’s the thing. I had a mat, and I loaned it to my brother Bob, and let me tell you what. That son of a bitch doesn’t return a thing. I loaned him a lawn mower back in 1978, and I still haven’t seen it. Haven’t gotten any overtime and can’t afford a new prayer mat. You can’t… it’s not right to do it without the mat, so I’m just gonna sit this one out for a decade.” Wow, this is the whole… This is the whole war. This is what we’re doing, and we didn’t even spend the money, ’cause they go, “if you’re gonna take a shower here, in the shower building, you might want to wear your tennis shoes and extra socks, ’cause if you’ll notice, this is all Russian equipment.” It’s from the ’70s. We didn’t bring new stuff. The Russian stuff is still there. I’m like, did we learn nothing? Really? The Russians, the toughest people on earth, people who tricked Hitler into a snowstorm were freaked out by these people. These people in the middle of the night went, “holy crap, they’re crazy,” and ran home like girls and left everything. They left tanks. They left barracks. They left apartments. They’re like, “here’s the keys, man. You want to give it a whirl? Seriously, we are sneaking out at midnight. This is insane.” And they told us, “if you’re gonna take a shower, wear your socks and shoes, because, we don’t publicize this, but we’ve had quite a few cases of electrocution.” I was like, “well, I’m out. I’m done showering. You think I’m gonna trust my life to socks and a pair of pumas I bought at Marshalls for $57? These aren’t even running shoes, you moron. They’re just cute. They’re accent shoes. I’m not gonna trust my life…” It’s horrible. I didn’t shower for, like, I don’t know, 13, 14 days. I know, it’s gross. It’s even gross to admit, but I’m admitting it. Then they drop you off in the D.C. airport, and you’re on your own to get yourself home. Fine. I need to go to St. Louis for Christmas. I go to the airport bar at 6:00 A.M. I still haven’t showered. There’s nowhere to shower. I have glasses on, no makeup. My hair is in a baseball hat that they’ve given me that says “uso.” It’s a free, just, hat. I go in the bar. There’s one guy. He’s about 70, and he’s hammered. I thought, good for you, sir. I don’t even know how this happens or why it happened, but it’s 6:00 A.M. in D.C., and you’re at the airport, hammered. I don’t even know what the story is, but I’m a fan. I like it. I wish I had that kind of time. Hey, you want to go get drunk? Hey, let’s have some fun. Let’s go to the airport and not have to fly anywhere. That’ll be stress-free and fun, for once. So… I don’t want to talk to him, though. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I just… I’m tired, I’m crabby, I’m filthy. I just want to eat American breakfast and speak to no one and get on my plane, and I look down, and I hear from the other end of the bar… This is all I hear… And I kept looking down, and I thought, wow, that’s the greatest pickup line… Ever. You can’t not look at that person, after that person just did that. Now, I don’t know if you’re a bear and I didn’t look right. Or are you a pirate? What is happening? You can’t not look up. So I look up, and he goes… “I see your hat, honey. “It says ‘uso.’ are you, are you with them?” I said, “I don’t know what you mean ‘with them,’ sir. “I just, I just went to Afghanistan and did some shows for the troops.” He goes, “you did some shows? “What are you… “What are you, like, a showgirl or a stripper?” I was pissed for, like, half a second, and then I was like, “I should marry this guy.” Are you serious? “I have head lice right now, sir. “My hat’s moving. “My hat’s moving on its own, “and somehow, you look through all this, “and you see showgirl, stripper, cleaner-upper. You can see…” Wow. I did go home. I went home to St. Louis for Christmas, and I walked into my parent’s house, which I hadn’t been into in about, I don’t know, six months, and unbeknownst to me, they changed all the light bulbs in the house into those energy-saving light bulbs. So, when I walked in, as if I haven’t had enough weird lighting in Afghanistan, they’re sitting in this weird, dim, hazy lighting, and I’m like, “hey. What’s going on, guys? We, we having a seance?” My dad goes, “no, no, we’re not, Kathleen. Your mother thought it would be a good idea at our age, when our eyesight is failing… To make the house as dimly lit as possible, Kathleen… Because she’s upset because Al Gore’s upset because there’s no more polar bears. Well, you know what? I’m 69 years old. I live in Missouri. I’ve never seen a polar bear. I don’t care if I ever see a polar bear. What I’d like to see is the coffee table. That’s what I’d like to see.” Then that starts the side argument. “It’s not because of Al Gore, Jack. They just don’t make the regular light bulbs anymore. I can’t find the regular light bulbs. When did they stop making regular light bulbs, and why weren’t we notified in the mail by the government? I mean, we’re only gonna live ten more years. I could have bought enough light bulbs for the rest of our lives. I would have bought extra and sold them out of the back of the truck to other old people who didn’t know. I could’ve jacked the price up.” My god. They’re up all the time. It doesn’t matter what time you call the house. One of them is up. Yeah, it could be 2:00 in the afternoon, 3:00 in the morning, 5:00 A.M., 11:00. Hello? Yeah, they’re up. They call me from weird places. It’s 6:00 A.M. where I am. It’s 5:00 A.M. where they are. “Hello?” “What are you doing?” “More importantly, what are you doing, mom?” “Well, we’re at home depot’s parking lot. We… We thought they opened at 6:00. They don’t. They… So we’re just going to sit here for an hour and look at the other old people that were confused by the ad.” I said, “mom, why aren’t you sleeping anymore?” “Well, don’t tell your father this, ’cause he’ll be embarrassed, but now we’re afraid we’re gonna die in our sleep, so we’ve decided we’ll just stay up, and one of us will be up, and then we’ll nap, ’cause you never hear of somebody dying while they were napping. You don’t hear, ‘he died in his nap.’ “You hear, ‘they died in their sleep,’ but if we both fall asleep, we won’t know the other one’s dead, and that’s how things get out of hand.” “Okay. Okay. Okay, mom.” I went to Target with her. My mom was a nurse for 30 years. She’s retired. I said, out of nowhere, while we’re pushing a cart, “god, I have a splitting sinus headache.” She goes, “here,” and roots through her giant purse and goes, “take this.” And I took it, and about a second later, I hear, “” I said, “what… what was that all about?” She goes, “you swallow that?” “Yep. Sure did. Swallowed it.” “What color was it?” “I don’t know, mom. I don’t know. I didn’t look at what color it was.” “Kathleen, why didn’t you look at what color the pill was?” “Why? Why? ‘Cause you’re not somebody I met at a party.” “You’re my mom. “You were a nurse for 30 years. “I bought the whole story. I did. I trusted you. I ate it blind. I just ate it blind.” I said, “well, if you had to guess, what kind of pill do you think I ate?” She said, “well, I don’t know. It’s hard to tell. “It came out of the blue, unmarked bottle “that your father and I call the ‘all-stars,’ and…” “It could be anything from pain medication to blood-pressure pills, Kathleen.” I said, “what if it’s his blood-pressure medication?” She said, “you’re gonna pass out, “and that’s why we should abandon our carts and leave this target immediately, because I can’t drag you out of here with this bad knee. “That knee replacement did not work. “I don’t care what he says. “It didn’t work. “And you’re not gonna want me to drive home, Kathleen, “’cause it takes forever, because I don’t make left turns anymore.” Really? Wow. Now I don’t even care what kind of pill I ate. Now I just want to understand why she doesn’t make left turns anymore. I was like, what? “It’s not always lefts. “It’s anything into oncoming traffic “where you have to cross lanes to get to your lanes. “U.p.s. Doesn’t allow their drivers to do it, “and they save millions of dollars. “Your father and I are retired. We have that kind of time. “You drive to the next light, “and you cautiously make a u-turn, Kathleen. That’s what you do.” They are starting to do crazy things. About, I don’t know, four days later, I went back into her purse to get a little something else out of that all-star bottle… Which turned out to be delicious, and I thought I had one of my nephew’s guns in my… And it was like a toy, but it was kind of heavy, and I was like, “” she goes, “careful. That’s loaded.” I go, “really, mom? You just walk around with a loaded pistol all the time now?” “Yeah.” I go, “really? Why?” And without missing a beat, she goes, “rape.” “Really?” I go, “wait a minute, mom. Wait a minute. “You mean you think you’re gonna get raped, “or do you mean “you think we’re gonna stumble upon a rape in progress “and then shoot the rapist and become CNN heroes and get to meet Anderson Cooper?” “Because at 70, mom, I’m not saying “you’re still not as cute as the devil, “’cause you are, but I think you’ve slipped “out of the, ‘holy crap, I got to rape that lady right now’ category.” “I think you’ve dropped down into ‘I think I might steal “that lady’s Cadillac at walgreen’s “’cause she leaves the keys on the pharmacy counter for at least 37 minutes every time she shops, “then she goes out “and can’t remember where she parked the car. Still doesn’t know if she has the keys.'” it is cool to so see your parents get older, though, and not care anymore. ‘Cause there are seven kids in my family. They were as strict as you could be, but now they’re grandparents. My one brother’s got three boys. They’re four, two, and nothing, whatever you call that. I don’t know. He’s new. And my parents volunteered to babysit for three days while him and his wife went away. I said, “I’ll come down and help you for a couple days. I’m off in the middle. Sure, I’ll help.” And my dad, very patient. My mom, still not even to this day. She told the older one, “Patrick, I need you to put the iPad down.” He goes, “no.” Wow! Look at the guts on him. She told me to eat a pill, and I just did it. At this age, like, I don’t even… I don’t even… no! I didn’t even look at what color it was. That’s how obedient I am. Wow, look at this guy. Look at this guy. Four. “No.” She said, “Patrick, I’m not kidding. I said, put the iPad down.” He goes, “no,” and he shut the door right in her… Right at her. My mom unravels. “Jack, Jack. Did you see what he did? Did you see what that little son of a bitch just did?” “Vicky, Vicky, you are 70. He is four. “Get a handle on yourself. Get a handle on yourself. “We can’t re-parent these people in three days. “I don’t care what goes on here. “It’s our job to get out alive, okay? I don’t…” “I don’t care if he eats the iPad. I don’t. “We’ll buy another iPad. That’s what we’ll do. “All I know is, two hours before they get home, “we’re gonna shower the three of them, “put them on the couch, and go, ‘they were lovely,’ “and then we’re going to the casino. “That’s how this is gonna end. That’s how this is gonna end.” Yeah, they’ve gotten more liberal the older they’ve gotten, which is weird, ’cause usually parents go the other way. Like, the very first Obama election, I wanted Hillary. My parents are old-school democrats, but my dad does not like the Clintons. He hates the Clintons ’cause of NAFTA. He is never gonna get over NAFTA. “How could you think about supporting that woman? She was with him the whole way on NAFTA, the whole way.” And if you’d like to know exactly what’s wrong with NAFTA and the problems that it has caused this country, you can call 573… 348, blah, blah, blah, blah, ask for Jack, and you will get a two-hour dissertation on why exactly this country is falling apart. They wanted Obama. I just never… I voted for Obama, but I never… I always thought, I think he thinks we’re a little bit more of a team than we are. Like, here’s the thing, sir. We get you elected, and then you do shit, and then you tell us about it. That’s how I thought this was gonna roll. No, not with Obama. See, he’s on the TV all the time. “America, I’m going to need your help on this.” Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, we are busy, okay? Shark Week is on. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that. That’s not something you tape. You got to watch that live. It always sucks on tape. Doomsday Preppers, I have eight episodes I have yet to watch. I don’t even watch reality, but if you have never seen that show, I think it’s the craziest you could be. They are preparing for the end of the world, these people. They all think it’s something different… A dirty bomb, the government’s gonna take over, or they have cra… all these ideas of how the world’s gonna end, but they’ve prepared differently. They have bunkers. They have medicine for life. But what’s even more bizarre than what they’re doing is, every single one of them is married. Wow. Really? I have normal, nice friends that can’t get a date, and you, you… How’d you throw that out on christianmingle.com and get a hit back? That’s all I want to know. How do you just toss that out there like it’s normal? “Hobbies… Preparing for the end of the world.” But you can’t throw something else in. “Tennis.” I mean, what? No. And then somebody hit you back. “OMG, me too. Meet me at Costco. Lots of things to buy. Can’t wait. This is gonna get weird. Waiting for shit to get weird. Waiting for shit to get weird.” Obama, he’s always reaching out. God love him. “America, if you agree with me on how to solve this financial crisis, I’m gonna need you to email your congressman and representatives.” I’m like, “well, then, I’m gonna need you to email me who they are.” Because unless they’re hosting Shark Week or preparing for the end of the world, I am probably not familiar with their work, ’cause the ticket didn’t say, “Obama, Madigan.” The ticket said, “Obama, Biden.” So, if you need some help, I suggest you get that smiling Irishman you hired out of a bar… Who is my favorite person on the planet, by the way, ’cause there’s a reason he’s always smiling, ’cause he was smart enough to go for vice president. Yes, all the alcohol, none of the problems. That is the job you go for if you have… What do you want to be number one for? Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. Bring… cut your ego down a level. There’s nothing wrong with Air Force Two. Same plane, different number. Same plane. Yes, yes, and you don’t even have to answer anything. “What do you think about the finan…?” “I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk about it. The ice in my Margarita is melting, though, and I have to go to a funeral in Turkey of a person I’ve never heard of, and I got to act sad, so I’m gonna need a few more drinks, and I’ll talk to you guys later.” Obama, I really think… He starts out on such a high intellectual level sometimes. I saw him two months ago on TV. He just gave a random speech. He goes, “America, I’m here to update you about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.” Really? It’s gonna start right there? Well, I’m here to update you, sir. That’s funny. I have an update too. Up until six months ago, I thought Fannie Mae was a candy factory in Chicago. Thank you. And I couldn’t understand why a candy factory was allowed to hand out home loans, and then I really couldn’t understand who thought to go there. Like, that’s brilliant. Like, “well, hey, the bank said no. Why don’t we go down to the candy factory and see if they’ll…? They seem to be doing well.” And… and I thought Freddie Mac was a candy bar that they made I hadn’t yet tasted, and I thought, “I’m gonna look for that at the airport, and I hope it has caramel in it.” ‘Cause they speak about these things as if we’re all updated. The deficit… they say that as if it’s a real, tangible number. “The deficit is 3 trillion… 7,804. Now is the time to get concerned.” Really? Now? Why? Why now? You’re in charge. You didn’t panic at 2 trillion. I think you’re bullshitting. I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. And I can’t even fathom $1 trillion. None of us can. I mean, we can’t. You can’t. It’s not a tangible thing. I would be more frightened and motivated to action if I saw one of those… One of the important politicians come on TV and go, “the deficit is mashed potatoes.” What? Wait a minute. What did he say? What is he implying? Are we running out of mashed potatoes? That’s ridiculous. That’s my favorite thing in the whole world. If that is true, then someone get Idaho on the phone right now and go, “hello, you were in charge of two things… crazy militias and potatoes, and if you can’t keep that together anymore…” I don’t even understand the difference between the deficit and the debt, and my brother’s a financial advisor, and he’s younger than me, and he knows how to speak, like, you know, down to my level. And I said, “Pat, in an easy way, explain to me, what is the difference between the deficit and the debt.” He goes, “okay, I will. Just pay attention.” And he started talking, and I don’t know how far in it was. I would say… I would say probably the 40-second Mark, I drifted out a lot, right? But he didn’t catch me until about the 90-second Mark, and he’s like, “are you even paying attention anymore?” I go, “no, but I got to tell you what I have been doing. I heard about this, and now I’m doing it, and you have to do it at work, ’cause it’ll make you smile and laugh so hard. If you go to Google and type in ‘Batman cat’ and then hit ‘images,’ my god. It’s the funniest thing I ever seen. It’s real, pat. It’s not a joke. It’s a real cat. It’s a long-haired black and white, and they combed his hair, and it looks like the Batman mask. And, yeah, I mean, they’re holding him up, but that’s not cheating. I mean, they’re just holding him, and if… I don’t know if it’s for sale. Like, I don’t even want a cat, but I want that cat, so every morning I’d wake up, he’d be on my chest.” “I’m Batman.” “Yes, you are! Yes, you are!” “I would never not have a happy day if I owned that cat.” He’s like, “Kathleen, I’m at work.” “Yeah, whatever. I got to go. I got to go.” Yeah, but that’s what we’re doing all day, Obama. I don’t have time to help you. The Batman cat… Is trying to get some popularity going, and, you know, I wish… Like, I try to pay attention. It’s also just too difficult. I mean, you know, a long time ago it wasn’t hard. There was the morning newspaper and then the evening news, and the evening news wasn’t a joke. No, they didn’t talk about the Kardashians or Paris Hilton. It was just some old, mean white man who’d come out smoking a cigarette, always very angry. “Hello. Welcome to the ‘Nightly News.’ Tonight we’re gonna talk about Korea, and if you don’t know where Korea is, get a goddamn map, you unpatriotic son of a bitch.” And you’re like, “my god! “My god, where’s Korea? Hurry up. Find out. He’s gonna know we don’t know. My god, I’m petrified of this person.” Yeah, now there’s a million news channels. There’s a million websites. CNN.com… “here’s Obama’s health care plan.” Boom, it’s right there. 1,087 pages. Okay. And then right next to that, there’s a video. It’s 2:17 long, and it says, “baby owls live in teacups.” Hello. Yeah, I realized I’ve never seen a baby owl, and I don’t know why, and I want to see it. And why is it in a teacup? And why is this crazy old lady allowed to do this? And why isn’t PETA over there, beating the crap out of her? There are so many questions I have about this video. I’m interested. It’s too hard. There’s too much information. Facebook, Twitter. Dear god, when does it stop? I don’t do Facebook as much, ’cause people… You can type as much as you want, and that’s the problem. People don’t know when to shut up. It’s like diarrhea of the fingers. Like, somebody… Like, a mob person should come in with a hammer and just break their fingers and go, “you’re done. You’re done.” “Well, I had a bagel this morning. I thought about having a doughnut, but Dr. Oz says they’re really the same thing. It depends on what you put on top of the bagel. I like that thick cream cheese. Sometimes I’ve seen people put salmon on top of a bagel. I find that so perplexing. I’m from Wisconsin. I can’t imagine just slapping a walleye right on my thing. Maybe it’s a Jewish thing.” Dah, dah-dah, dah! My god, no, no. That’s why I like Twitter. It’s 140 characters, and then they kick you off. You don’t have to approve people. You can follow me. Yeah, there’s all kinds of… It’s like a mobile baby Jesus. People just sign up, follow me all through town. Great. Fine. 140 characters, that’s all you get. And I actually got in an argument with Lewis, my friend, ’cause he goes, “that’s terrible. Is that what society’s come down to? 140 characters, that’s all your thought can be?” Yeah, Lew. Yeah, and I think it’s wonderful, and I think if you think about it, if anything was really important throughout history, it could’ve been said in 140 characters or less. If they had Twitter whenever, “look, here’s a tweet. ‘The British are coming. The British are coming.’ There you go. Do you need to know anything more? No, you don’t. You don’t need to know anything more than that. ‘Heads up, Nagasaki. Not kidding a second time either. #hopeyouhaveahat. Things are gonna get weird.’ ” Yeah, I’m just saying, warnings, things like that. Mitt Romney said, after many, many months, many, many months of thinking about why he lost the election… And you can Google this… He said he realized that it was mainly ’cause he didn’t tweet enough. Really? That’s what you’re gonna tell yourself before you go to sleep at night? That you were just one tweet away from winning? It’s amazing how people can fool themselves. I didn’t vote for Mitt Romney. It had nothing to do with politics. I didn’t vote for Mitt Romney. I will never vote for Mitt Romney because he said, and I know he’s telling the truth ’cause they would have proved differently, the press would have, and he’s a devout Mormon, so I completely believe him, that at age 65, in his life, he had never had a drink, a drug, a cigarette, or a cigar, ever. As an Irish catholic, that sentence couldn’t even go in my head. Error, error, error. Invalid information. Invalid information. Rephrase question. Rephrase question. Check Gauge. Check Gauge. Check Gauge. So I said to my brother, “think about it, Pat. The only people that we know that can truly say that are babies.” “And that’s just because they don’t know yet. “Yes, they like juice, but they haven’t had a Bud Light. They don’t know.” And I judged him for that, and that’s not fair to that man, but I did. I did, I judged him, because to me, a glass of wine or a cigarette or maybe a Lunesta… One of my favorites. If you’ve never taken a Lunesta, but you’ve seen the commercial, I’m here to let you in on a little secret. That neon butterfly is real. Yeah. Wow! Green, pink. They’re beautiful. But those are the ways a normal adult relieves stress, to me… With a cigar, maybe some pot, whatever it is you do. And if you don’t do any of those, any of them, my mind goes to an alarm state, where I go, “alien, alien. I think you’re sleeping with a goat.” That’s how weird it is to me. That’s not fair to Mitt Romney. I don’t smoke pot. I never cared for it, but I’m very happy for my pot friends that use. This year, finally, in government something did change. A little bit of pot became legal in certain cities. Yeah, because I have plenty of pothead friends, and they’re very nice people. They don’t do anything bad at all. They don’t really do anything at all. Like, they’re just low-key people. They don’t bother anybody. They’re not a pain in my ass. My drinking friends, yeah, they’re a pain in my ass. I don’t get calls from my pothead friends at 3:00 in the morning, “can you come get me? I’m in jail. I’m so dead. I hit a lake. When did they put a lake on highway 40? That’s ridiculous. There was no lake there, seriously. You got to bring 10 grand. Can you do that?” What? It was always the argument against pot that I always found so… It was just so fantastical. People would go so crazy. “You cannot legalize marijuana. It is a gateway drug, for Christ’s sake. It is a gateway drug. If you legalize marijuana, the next thing you know, after a person smokes pot, they will be shooting heroin in a crack house in Cleveland with a dog named Banjo they didn’t purchase.” What? What? That’s crazy. And it’s a bad premise. Not everything’s a gateway. That’s where your premise is bad. Okay, when you were five and you stole a candy bar and you ate it, and it was delicious, was your next thought, “you know what? I’m gonna kill a drifter”? No. No. I’ve smoked cigarettes a lot of my life. I finally quit. I didn’t want to quit. People who have never been addicted to anything never truly get it. Like, “my god, you quit smoking. Do you feel better?” No. No. I’d love to shove your face through glass just for saying that and then smoke whatever’s left on the other side. That’s how irritable I am right now about the fact that I can’t smoke a cigarette. I’m just not that healthy of a person. I joined a gym, and then my gym closed, and then I had to go join another gym. That’s a pain in the ass, ’cause you can’t just pay and go in. You have to have a meeting and a consultation with somebody. “Really? I don’t want to.” “Well, you have to, Kathleen. You have to meet with Cindy.” “Okay, great.” Cindy is 21. Cindy is in shape. Cindy is happy to be alive. Everything is going great in Cindy’s world. Happiest thing ever, but her voice is so high. The tone and the pitch… When she spoke, all I heard was a yorkie barking. I swear to god. Like, that’s all I heard. “Ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff. Hi. Welcome to the gym. Ruff-ruff. Fill out this form. Ruff-ruff-arrr-arrr, rrrr!” It’s like, “really? I got to speak to this lady? Like, I have money. Can’t I just go in?” “No.” “Okay, Kathleen, before you can get in and everything, okay, we have to write down some of your goals.” “Cindy, Cindy, I don’t have any goals here. Maybe that’s weird, but I don’t have any goals. I’m not here for offense, Cindy. I’m here for defense. There’s a big difference. I am here to try and pull a fourth-quarter hail Mary pass out of my ass before things get weird. Now… I don’t know if that’s possible, but I’m willing to pay $62 a month to not come here and find out.” “But, Kathleen, but, Kathleen, that’s so sad. Ruff-ruff-ruff. Arrrrrrrrr.” “No, it’s not sad. It’s just…” “Well, I have to put something on the form, or I’m going to get in trouble.” “Okay, here’s my goal. Ready? Ready? Here’s my goal. I am here to delay the date and severity of my impending stroke.” “It’s so sad you don’t see the gym as a fun place.” “Well, I don’t, Cindy, and I think, at my age, I think I know what’s fun to me, and I think I know what’s not fun to me. A bar is fun to me. Trust me, year after year, I reprove it and reprove it. I really have a lot of fun at a bar. A gym, no. No, no.” I’ve never stayed at a gym so long, I got kicked out. Never. I never worked out so hard, somebody had to take my keys ’cause I was crazy. No. No, no. I don’t have good habits. I don’t. I have changed my diet none whatsoever since I was a kid. I still drink whole milk every day. That’s weird in a lot of places now. Like, even in… I went in Starbucks, and the kid’s really nice, and I know they have whole milk ’cause it’s in a silver container and it says “whole milk,” and there’s one right next to it that says “skim.” It’s for your coffee, but they’re not selling whole milk, and I said to the kid, I go, “I know this might sound weird, “but if I gave you money, would you give me some milk?” And he goes… “Would you like to try our soy milk?” I said, “I don’t know. “I went to bed at 11:00 last night, “and I didn’t watch the news, “and you’re the first person I’ve spoken to “since I woke up today. “While I was asleep, did all the cows in the world die?” “Because if so, “I would like to try your soy milk. “If not, I do not understand why that was thrown out as an alternative to my original request.” If you want to feel better about your health and you want to feel like a really in-shape, healthy person, even if you’re not, go on a cruise ship for a week. Lot of drinkers and eaters on those ships. It’ll drink and eat you into feeling great. I… wow. I had never been on a cruise ship, ever, and Lewis black booked a comedy cruise and made me go. And I got to Miami. I’d never even seen a cruise ship up close. They’re humungous. It holds 4,000 people. It’s gigantic. My sister goes, “what was it like? Maybe me and Matt will go.” I go, “here’s what it was like. “Picture if we were all in Las Vegas, “standing in the Bellagio, and all of a sudden, it just sailed away.” Yeah. Yeah, the whole building, and nobody panicked or acted weird. They’re like, “see you, bye!” “Hey, want to try a monkey-ass rum punch?” “Yes. I love monkey, and I love punch.” Seven monkey rum punches later, you hear, “and now we will be doing the safety drill.” What? What? I’m hammered. We can’t do a safety drill. “It is on your muster station, “which is located on the back of your key card. It will not match your deck or room, so please pay…” What, what, what, what? Now there’s math involved? This is a terrible vacation. There’s no math on vacation. I finally found my room, and I was next to these lovely people from Wisconsin, and they had balloons all over their door, and I was like, “hey, is it somebody’s birthday or anniversary?” And the guy goes, “no. “We just get so hammered on these ships, and these rooms all look alike, so we decorate our door.” “And the good news for you, sweetheart, is, “every time you find this door, you got a 50-50 chance of finding your room.” Yes, I do, Mr. Milwaukee. You are my new best friend. Don’t tell me alcoholics are lazy. Look at that energy. He had to get tape, balloons. He had to stop smoking for four seconds to blow them up. There’s a lot of activities. Yeah. You get on the ship, and there’s this giant, neon board. It looks like a Vegas sports-betting board. You’re like! This is totally overwhelming. You’re like, “that looks fun, that looks fun.” Well, if you’re a sleeper-inner or a drinker-later, you will not be involved in any of these activities, because these will require you to be up at 6:00 A.M. With a Fanny pack on, ready to jump in some dinghy with your new friends from buffalo, and, no. My friend shay wanted to do it all, and I’m like, “no. “I am not getting up at 6:00 A.M. “To go to stingray village. “I don’t have it in me. “If someone puts the stingrays in my bathtub, “I will pet them, but I am not… “I’m not doing that. I don’t care enough.” Her and her husband, Mike, they did every activity. “You sure?” And she’d check back in. “You sure, Kathleen? Tomorrow we’re going to zipline through the Mexican jungle.” “Yeah, I’m sure. “There is nothing I could think of “that would make me projectile-vomit more quickly “than to be hot and hung over “and shot through a Mexican jungle on a rubber band. “No, no, I’m good. “I am good right here on this chair “with my monkey-ass rum punch. “And you know what? “You can call me crazy, shay, “but I question the safety of that apparatus. I truly do.” “No, no, no. They make you sign a form.” Really? What form? Who made those up? Juan and Julio in the Van that won’t be there when you come back with your flesh-eating bacteria wound that there’s not hospital around? Hope you have a good time with the ship doctor getting your bacteria-eaten leg fixed up. If you’re a drinker or a sleeper-inner, your activity adventure will consist of getting off that ship at about noon, into some sad, little Mexican town, where you’re gonna hear a guy in an alley go… “Psst, psst!” And you don’t know why, but you’re gonna go over to that guy ’cause you want to hear what he has to offer. And you’re gonna go over there, and he’s gonna show you a clipboard with pictures of pretty fish, and he’s gonna tell you he can take you snorkeling there for $20, and you’re gonna say, “$10.” You don’t know why you would’ve said that, and then he’s gonna say “$15,” and the next thing you know, you’re gonna be on a rickety-ass partridge family bus going to Christ knows where. Because that’s when lew got the maddest he’s ever been at me, because we were the only two that agreed to this adventure. He was like, “this is stupid. “This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever talked me into. “We don’t know who the fuck that man is. We don’t know where this bus is really going.” I said, “I know, lew. “That’s why this is a real adventure. “Those people on that royal Caribbean ship know exactly what time they’re coming back tonight.” “We may never come back tonight, lew. “Do you understand the level of excitement “I have provided for $15 a man? Come on.” The worst thing about a cruise ship, though, is they have a TV channel on your… A little boat channel, and in the afternoons, when I first turned it on, it’s a picture of where you are in the ocean, ’cause there’s cameras on the outside of the boat, and you go, “isn’t that lovely?” It’s just the sea and nice spa music, but in the morning, no. When you turn that channel on, it’s not the lovely ocean with spa music. It’s a picture of your bill from the day before. Right. How mean is that? What kind of buzz kill is that? This is vacation. I don’t need to review my bad behavior on a daily basis. What kind of sadist is running this ship? That is horrible. All that can wait till sad sunday, when it’s check-out time, and I see the bill, and I go, “my god!” And then I become alarmed, and I have that conversation that I seem to have with myself about once a year, when I see it on paper. I go, “holy Jesus Christ. I think you’re an alcoholic.” “Hey, hey, shh shh shh shh shh shh shh. “Hey, it was vacation. “Yeah, you bought drinks “for those nice people from buffalo. The drinks were overpriced.” “I think you need to take that alcoholic test online.” “Don’t you dare. “Don’t you dare. “It’s all true or false. “You’ve never done well on true and false. “You always guess wrong. “They don’t let you explain anything. “The world is black and white to those people. “The world is not a black-and-white place. “The world has gray areas. “Question number four, example… ‘Do you drink at home alone?'” “true.” “However… “I used to go out and drink with my friends at bars, “and then they said I couldn’t drink and drive, “so now I stay home sometimes “and drink and watch ‘shark week.’ “so, am I an alcoholic, “or am I just a really good citizen who loves America? I love America!” Thank you. Good night. That’s it for me, guys. Cheers. Thank you so much. And I have a present for you. Yeah? Yeah? You have…? Yeah. I’m terribly sorry. It’s the best I could do. At the last moment, she… It’s all ones. It’s all ones. It’s all ones. Yeah. So, we could either take care of a check, or we could head down to 8 mile. I think, wherever you think. Wherever, you know, we can make it rain. We have all night left. And I’ve never said that. Anywhere, anytime. It’s where I want to be… On a horse going down to pluto… Where they’re looking at the stars… Dancing on saturn… I’ll go everywhere with you… Nah nah nah nah nah nah… Nah nah nah nah nah… Take me to Atlantis… That’s where I want to be… Nah nah nah nah nah nah… Nah nah nah nah nah… Yeah.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kathleen Madigan: Bothering Jesus (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kathleen-madigan-bothering-jesus-transcript/

[chattering] [man] Whoo! [chattering] [woman] ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ ♪ She’s coming on the stage now ♪ [audience laughs] ♪ She’s gonna be here shortly ♪ ♪ She even put some pants on ♪ ♪ At least I think she might have ♪ ♪ ’Cause she’s professional ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ [male announcer] She is wearing pants. She is a professional. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Kathleen Madigan. [cheering] Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Wow. And– Another hand for the most overqualified opening act, Mr. Lewis Black. [cheering] And another hand for Jann Arden, who couldn’t be here to sing that in real life but was nice enough to send that to me in the computer. And a big hand for you people that are borderline alcoholics. You’ve made it out tonight. [cheering] You’ve– [cheering continues] I do feel a kinship. This is a beer town. I’m from a beer town. I’m actually from St. Louis, Missouri. [cheering] Thank you. You like that. Specifically, I’m from very near Ferguson. Maybe you saw our travel brochure. People are like, “Really? Are you really from there?” Yeah, I am. They’re like, “Can you believe all that happened?” Yeah, I can. I can’t believe we kept a lid on that shit for 25 years. Every day I felt the tension. Every day. Even In high school, I came home and I said, “I don’t really know if our school’s that safe anymore, Dad. A girl got stabbed to death in the third-floor bathroom.” He didn’t stop doing the crossword puzzle. He goes, “Well, don’t use that bathroom. What are you, a goddamn idiot, Kathleen? Jesus Christ. Use your mind.” It’s not a very exciting state, Missouri. It’s really just in the middle– Clearly, though, to Southerners it’s not. I was in Birmingham, Alabama. I get done with the show, and this guy at the bar goes, “Ma’am, I could tell by the way you talk you’re a Yankee.” I’m like, “Sir, I’m from Missouri. And let me tell you this little piece of history. I don’t even know if we were in the war. I think we were half and half and just beat the crap out of one another. We never even left our own property, sir.” “Fight Local.” That was our bumper sticker. “Fight Local.” ’Cause we couldn’t decide. We were half Confederate and half Union. We still can’t decide. CNN had a map of the Syrian refugee crisis, a map of the United States, and who would take them and who wouldn’t. The South, yellow. No. The Northeast said yes, we’ll take ’em. Blue. For no reason explained till the very end of the show, Missouri was purple. The only state. And then at the end, they go, “Oh, the purple signifies no decision. They can’t make up their minds.” Of course we can’t make up our minds. I don’t really consider, um– I don’t know what I consider. I don’t know if it’s north or south. But I know sometimes when I’m in the South, I see things on bumper stickers, I read things in their newspaper where I think to myself, seriously, I think we may need to have this Civil War again. I’m not sure they got it. I feel like it’s beating up a drunk in an alley and then wake up and be like, “That was bullshit. I wasn’t ready. Come back.” No. No, drunky. We’re not coming back. I was in Louisiana, and you can google this. ’Cause I couldn’t believe this was true. It is true. They are teaching children in schools in Louisiana that will accept vouchers. So that’s tax money. They’re private schools, but they accept vouchers. This is in science class. Now, put on your science hat and try to follow this syllogism. They’re teaching the kids that the Loch Ness Monster is real. Now, as an aside, I agree with that. But nobody taught me that. I had to stay up really late watching the Discovery Channel, drinking a lot of wine and weeding through a lot of crap to make my decision. Anyway, they’re teaching the children that the Loch Ness Monster is real. Therefore, evolution is not real ’cause the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur. I don’t even have a joke for that. I just want you to know that. Those are fellow Americans that I think should be airlifted out. I– Someone needs to get the children. Leave the adults. Take the children. My state is not a state that you really wanna brag about. We just try to lay low. That’s our best outcome: if we’re not noticed. Because every time– Like Ferguson, that whole thing. That was not exactly something that you feel proud of. Uh, two summers ago, I turned on CNN somewhere on the road, and it said, “Missouri State Senate debates–” Now, you think the next word would be “health care” or “right-to-work clause.” No. “Noodling.” Yeah. We spent two weeks, eight hours a day, the senate. For those of you who don’t know what noodling is, congratulations. You have led a very classy life. But I’m gonna tell you what it is. Noodling is when hillbilly people get in muddy rivers, like the Mississippi or the Missouri River, and they get into water about chest high and then they go along the riverbank with their hands underneath the water searching for catfish breeding holes. Then when they find one, they shove their arm in the hole. They wait for the catfish to bite it. Then they yank it out and they’ve caught a fish. I was not aware that this is illegal in my home state of Missouri. I was also not aware that it is legal in our neighboring state of Oklahoma. I certainly was not aware that we have a Missouri Noodlers Association. CNN sent a young reporter to interview the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association, who immediately became my new hero because for his interview on CNN, he chose not to wear a shirt. [audience cheering] She was clearly petrified of the guy. I have never seen anyone hold a microphone further away from another human being. She said, “Sir, I understand you’re the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association. Could you please tell us your position on noodling?” He goes, “Yeah. Yeah. I’ll tell you my position. If I wanna shove my arm in a hole and get a fish, you tell my why I can’t.” So that was the argument for it. Then I thought, what is the problem? I don’t know. Well, they go interview the people against it. It was, like, basically an environmental group, and they go, “Well, our problem with it is two-fold. Number one, every time they do this, they’re destroying the catfish breeding holes. And number two, and more importantly, sometimes these catfish, especially if near a dam, can grow to be 150 to 250 pounds.” Yes. I swear. Google it. “So sometimes when the hillbilly shoves his arm in the hole, the hillbilly does not come back up.” But I was like, “Yeah, but let’s think that through. What have we gained and what have we lost?” Everything– [applause] “We might have lost Billy Bob, but somebody just got his brand-new truck full of Busch light.” What? I don’t expect people to know much about Missouri. I do expect people to know it’s a state. That I do. And there are people– I was in California, in a Macy’s, trying to buy jeans. And the girl was young, I’ll give her that. [imitating valley girl] She was one of the girls who talk like that, and she just couldn’t be bothered with anything, okay? [normal voice] I go to check out and I give her my credit card. She goes, “I’m gonna need to see your license.” I go, “Okay, that’s not a problem.” And I– I’m still not sure exactly what happened. I’m gonna show you what happened. I gave her my license, and she went, “Missouri.” [clicks teeth] “Uh… no.” “No? Did you just do a search in your brain and your hard drive came back with nothing, so you negated my whole state?” “Uh, no.” Missouri is a very special place to one group of people, and it’s the Mormons. Not the ones that went to Utah. Joseph Smith, the leader, had a son, Joseph Smith, Jr. That man believed that the original Garden of Eden was 35 miles north of Kansas City. Not in Mesopotamia. No, no, no, no, no. Missouri. They also believe that when Christ comes back, that’s where he’s going. First stop, Kansas City. He’s not gonna go to Bethlehem or Jerusalem. He’s getting a Southwest flight and he’s going straight to Kansas City. Look, I am from Missouri. And if you think Jesus is going back to Kansas City, 35 miles outside of it, by the way, then you must believe that Jesus is a big fan of barbecue and crystal meth, because that is what’s happening 35 miles outside of Kansas City. My whole family lives there. Well, my parents are in Florida in the winter right now. As most Midwest old people with a car, they leave on December 26. They’re like geese. They just leave. Flocks of ’em leave from the Midwest. My parents bought a new car. They haven’t had a new car in ten years. They bought a black Lincoln Town Car. Little did they know that that’s one of the more expensive rides on the Uber app. So I, unbeknownst to them, have signed them up to be Uber drivers… so they can pick up other old people on the way to Florida, make a little spending cash. ’Cause my mom will do whatever the phone says, I’m telling you. “Jack, we have to pull over. We’re the blue dot, and it’s saying pull over. There are people that need a ride for some reason. I don’t know why the phone is doing this. It’s never done this before. But I’m afraid if we don’t, there’s gonna be a problem, Jack.” They go to Sarasota now, on that side. But for about three years in a row, they went to a place called the Villages. I don’t know if any of you’ve seen it advertised on TV. Go to their Web site. There’s nothing like it in the world. It’s the largest retirement community in the nation. Well, the world, probably. It’s 35 minutes, or if my mom’s driving, eight and a half hours away from the Orlando airport. Some guy thought of it. He thought, “I’m gonna buy all of this crappy swampland, and I’m gonna make nirvana for old people. I’ll build it. They will come.” And they came. There’s 350,000 of ’em. They have their own zip code. They have their own post office. They’ve got golf courses, swimming pools. I mean, it’s really something. It really is something. And my parents were there, and I go, “Oh, good. You’re gonna be at the Villages. That’s great, ’cause I have shows in Florida, and I have nowhere to go in between shows.” My mom goes, “You can come over here, but you can’t spend the night on the property.” I said, “Why not?” She goes, “The law at the Villages, Kathleen, is no one under the age of 55 is allowed to spend the night on the property.” I said, “Really? Fifty-five? So you’re telling me at age 48, I’m gonna have to again go get a fake ID– [audience laughing] so that I can spend the night with you freaks. Mom, where would I even go? To, like, a bingo game and roll an old redheaded lady and go, ‘Sorry. I’ll have this back in two days. I just need it to get into the Villages.’” I said, “Mom, how are they gonna know if I’m there? Seriously. Does an old man come in a golf cart and do bed check every night?” She goes, “Yes. That’s what I’ve heard. Yes. That’s what I think happens.” I said, “Well, I’m going to come there and I am gonna spend the night. But I will meet you halfway so you’re not nervous. I’m gonna sleep in my tennis shoes, sports bra and T-shirt and shorts. And if I hear the golf cart, I’m gonna get up, and I’m gonna run into the family room, and I’m gonna hide behind the La-Z-Boy. ’Cause in my own mind, Mom, I’m gonna pretend like I’m in the last scene of The Sound of Music and we’re the Von Trapps on top of the convent hiding behind tombstones… from the Nazis. And then when the golf cart guy shines his flashlight, just for my own amusement, I’m gonna pop out from behind it and go, ‘Don’t do it, Ralph. You’re not one of them. Don’t take us. Come with us.’ And then I’m gonna laugh and laugh. He won’t laugh, but I don’t care. It’s not the point. I’m gonna laugh. And then I’m gonna run by him, Mom, and I’m gonna run away, and I’m gonna make it over the whole border of the Villages. I’m gonna make it to freedom, and– Do you know how I know I’m confident I can do that? Because I’m the only person out of 350,000 that has both of their real knees, Mom. I am the Usain Bolt of this community. I don’t think you’re respecting my powers.” Prepared to getting older, there’s moments where you’re hanging out with them and you’re like, “Wow. Are you actually going crazy in front of me? Like, should I call someone? I don’t know what to do.” I was in Target with my mom. She opened her wallet and all her credit cards were individually wrapped in tin foil. She unwraps one and hands it to me as if that’s a completely normal exchange of information. I go, “We’re not gonna talk about that?” She goes, “Talk about what, Kathleen?” I go, “The tin foil, Mom. The tin foil.” She goes, “Well, obviously, you have not been keeping up with the news.” I said, “No, I actually thought I had been.” “Well, then you must have missed the story about the raygun people.” “Who are the raygun people?” She said, “Well, your father and I saw it on ‘20-40’ or ‘60-80’ or ‘100 Minutes,’ whatever those serious– It was a very serious program. There are people now, Kathleen, with computer rayguns, and they can shoot that raygun through my purse, through my wallet, and they gather all of your personal information off of that strip on the back of your debit card. They can shoot through your father’s ass at a gas station, right through his ass, into his wallet.” I went, “Okay.” My mom’s not stupid. She was a nurse for a million years. So I called my friend in Boston who’s been a cop forever, and I asked him about the raygun people and told him about the tin foil. He said, “Two things, Kathleen. Number one, no. I have not heard about the raygun people. But in fairness to your mom, I haven’t checked my work e-mail in three days. Now– Number two, and more importantly, what I do know from being a cop for 20 years is that crazy people love tin foil. You don’t need to tell your mother. I’m just telling you so you know that is a fact. An old cop told me that. Always carry tin foil in your squad car. If you come across someone who’s mentally ill and having a psychotic break or maybe someone in a drug frenzy, you just tear off a piece of tin foil, you calmly walk over and go, ‘Make a hat,’ and the whole situation–” They drive to Florida ’cause my mom won’t fly anymore. The fear of flying has literally gone over the edge with her. It started years ago. And I do feel sorry for people who have that fear, ’cause it is real. And you see people at airports. You can always tell. ’Cause their hands, their palms are real sweaty. They’ll talk to anyone. God forbid the time of departure changes. Then they completely unravel. They’re like, “This is it. I think this plane’s broken, and they’re gonna fly it. Don’t you?” “Yeah, I do. Today is the day. American Airlines is gonna go, ‘Fuck it. Give it a whirl. I don’t care.’ Wha– Every part can’t be that important.” But it’s weird to me that strangers– There will always be a stranger who will say to another stranger, “Oh, you shouldn’t have a fear of flying, because I’ll tell you what, you have a better chance of being in a car crash than you do of being in a plane crash.” And I wanna say, but I won’t ’cause it would be mean, “Yeah, but you have a much better chance of getting in a forgettable car crash than you do of being in a forgettable plane crash.” There’s no way you’re gonna be in a plane crash, go to work on Monday, and then Wednesday look at somebody you work with and go, “Oh, shit, did I forget to tell you? On the way home from Milwaukee, my plane crashed. I don’t know if you saw that on CNN. I was the lady running through the cornfield. My hair had caught on fire because I’m near-sighted and I’d lost my glasses in the turbulence. I actually ran towards the explosion versus away from the explosion. That’s why I called in sick yesterday ’cause… my head hurt ’cause it had been on fire.” I fly every week, and I’ve never even thought about what if something happened to the plane until missing Malaysian Flight 370, which I am admittedly obsessed with. My youngest brother, who I talk to almost every day, has banned me from speaking about it. He goes, “Seriously, Kathleen, if you bring it up, I’m gonna hang up. It’s been almost two years. I don’t wanna hear anything that you’ve read on the Internet. I don’t wanna hear what you and your drunk friends decided happened to it. I–” He goes, “You’ve never been obsessed with a plane crash.” “Ah, ah, ah. What is the problem with that sentence, Pat? You just said ‘plane crash.’ We don’t know if this plane crashed, do we?” That’s– That’s why I’m obsessed with it. About seven months ago, they found a wing of a Triple Seven in the Indian Ocean. That’s what that plane was, a Triple Seven. And they sent that wing to the French. I do not know why the French are in charge of science. I’d have given it to the Germans. But whatever. They actually came out and said, “Well, yeah, um, this definitely is the wing of a Triple Seven, but we cannot confirm it’s missing Malaysian Flight 370.” “Well, has anyone else called… Lost and Found… looking for a wing?” They found another little piece, like, three days ago. But all it says is that– It just says, “Do not step here.” So it could be that or a ladder. Who kno– Nobody– Nobody knows. I watched every minute of the coverage, and my brother goes, “I don’t get it.” I go, “Because it’s the biggest news story of our lifetime, Patrick.” I’m sorry. I’ve assumed my entire life that when we bought a ticket in an airplane to go over a large body of water, I thought the whole time we were up here, someone smarter than us on the ground at all times knew where the fuck we were. I did. I believed that. Yeah, well, that’s certainly not the case. Cat is out of the bag. They got nothing. Boston to Dublin, Texas, when you get there, man. It gets a little weird after Nova Scotia. They don’t tell people that. As soon as you get a Guinness, give us a holler and let us know everything’s all right. They covered it on CNN for 72 days, and people were complaining it’s too much coverage. I’m like, “No, it’s not. This is wonderful.” ’Cause they have no new information, so now they just have to make up conversation. It got to the point where the experts were, like, building paper airplanes, going, “Okay, here’s what I think happened, all right? It was windy. Come on. Turn on the fan. Stay with me, Bob. Somebody put water in the trash can. That’s my ocean. Come on.” But I watched it, because every day they would go live to the city of Kuala Lumpur to a Hilton hotel for a press conference from the Malaysian Airlines spokesman. I have never felt so sorry for any individual in their job. Because every day he had no new information. And he had to face a ballroom full of Chinese people. ’Cause there were 239 missing people. Most were Chinese. Their families have been flown in. He couldn’t even make eye contact. He would just come out and go, “Brrrr. Ah, ha, yeah. Well, uh, once again, I have new no information on Flight 370. It’s a very bad situation. We cannot find our airplane. We have called Australia. They’re gonna help us look for our airplane. Sometimes you lose something. You can’t find it, and you have to ask for help. ‘Hey, have you seen my keys?’ That’s the kind of situation. Sorry.” Then he would leave. I’m like, “This is a real airline. They’re open. Today. I check every day. I google. This is a real working airline.” And the Chinese people were so kind, I thought. Like in patient. He would come out day after day. There’s nothing. There was very little reaction. Week three he came out. “Ah, brrrr. Ah, yeah, once again, I have no new information on flight. We still cannot find our airplane. It’s a really, really, really bad situation. We do know this now though. We have been looking in the wrong ocean. Ha ha!” What? What? What? What? “Ah, yeah, that ocean wrong. Maybe now over here. We’re gonna look over here in this ocean.” What? The wrong ocean? That is an acceptable statement in the year 1492 regarding a boat. “I don’t know where it went, man. I told you the world was flat. Maybe it just fell off. I don’t know.” That is not an acceptable statement in the year 2014. Unbelievable. And once again, the Chinese people, they just didn’t really react. And I thought, “Oh, my God. That’s– That’s the day where my Irish temper– Every– Every single valve would have burst.” I could’ve had a can of Aqua Net and a lighter, and that man would have burst into a pillar of fire. A biblical pillar of fire on CNN International. And I would’ve done it knowing full well I’m gonna be arrested and tried for murder, which would’ve been fine. And I would say, “Yes, please let me take the witness stand.” ’Cause I don’t care what question I’m asked. I have a two-word answer. “Miss Madigan, is it true that you took Aqua Net and a lighter into the ballroom?” “Huh. Wrong ocean. Ha!” “Wrong ocean.” Unbelievable. The Chinese people, though, are still pretty kind. Day 72, for those of you who are not obsessed with missing airplanes, um, that’s the last day of hope because the ping device can no longer possibly operate. There’s the black box and then there’s a ping thing that emits a sonar sound. Now, this is assuming one had put batteries in their ping device. Yeah. Google this. About five months ago, they had a little secret announcement ’cause they thought everybody forgot. “Ah, yeah, one more thing. Ha ha. About that airplane. Um, we never had batteries in that. Yeah. Sorry. Well, you know, sometimes at home your remote control, your batteries go dead, and you go to a different remote control, and you take those batteries and you put ’em in this remote control. And then later on, you go for the other old one. You go, ‘Uh-oh. I forgot.’ That’s what happened. Sorry.” They are open. So day 72. At the time the Chinese people don’t know that there’s– They don’t know there’s no batteries. They believe there were batteries in it. He comes out, and I thought, “Whatever you do, just don’t say it the same way. Phrase it differently.” No. No. He came out, “Brrrr. Ah, ha, yeah, once again, I have no new information on Flight 370.” And finally, the Chinese people lost their minds. An old man, like, rolls back, flicked a lit cigarette at that man’s head, live on TV. Sadly, my first thought was, “Wow. You can still smoke inside… in a Hilton in Malaysia.” Note to self: Vacation in Kuala Lumpur. Take different airline. Check Southwest. That airline’s ridiculous. And then the older women started losing it. Like, literally, having heart attacks. 911 is being called. It’s bedlam. They have finally reached their maximum potential of patience. They’re out of it. I happen to be home watching it with my parents. My dad, who does not like public displays of emotion, was like, “Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. They got to get it together. They got to get it together. Do they know they’re on television? Are they aware that people can see?” My mom interrupts with– And I have six siblings. “Well, Jack, you have to understand it’s extra sad for the Chinese people because they only have one child.” I go, “Hold on a second. So are you saying, Mom, it would only be a seventh as sad if I went missing forever?” “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Yes. You may not wanna hear that, but that’s the truth. I mean, we have six other children. They have children. Your father and I have casino buffet tickets. We are leading a full life.” Yes, you are. Seven kids. It’s too many. Nobody notices though. That’s a good thing. If you’re one of seven, no one notices anything. Like, I’m surprised– I have friends who have one or two kids. They speak to them about their feelings and their thoughts, and they address them individually. ’Cause my friends are like, “Oh, you guys didn’t?” “No.” No. Not with seven kids. There were just announcements made. That’s all. “We’re moving.” “Oh, fuck. What? What? What? When?” “Your mother’s already in the car. I don’t know what’s going on with you people.” Nobody notices when you’re one of seven. Which was fine with me. I didn’t mind that. I would still choose that. But sometimes to the point of, “Really, guys?” I do not watch myself on TV. I was 35 years old, and I walked into my parents’ house, and they somehow had me on their TV, and I looked at it and I go, “Ah. What is wrong with my eye?” My dad goes, “You mean your lazy one?” “What? What?” “Yeah, your right eye. When you get tired or nervous, it twitches and kind of jumps around. You– You don’t feel that happening?” “No. No, I didn’t know. I didn’t know that was happening. How long has that been going on?” “I mean, since you were a baby. I mean, they, uh… told us to put a patch on you, but you can’t have a baby girl pirate. That’s crazy. So, uh… we thought you’d grow out of it, quite frankly, and clearly you have not, Kathleen. So if I were you, before you go on television, I would get a nap or calm down, ’cause it’s–” I didn’t really know how small families worked till I got to go over to other friends’ houses. When you’re in second grade or whatever, my friend across the street, Bob, he would say, “That’s my mom and that’s my sister.” And I’m like, “Well, where is everyone?” Like, I don’t wanna say anything. Maybe there was a house fire or, you know, some sort of tragedy. But this is weird. I think smaller families are kinder. They say kinder things. I don’t know if they mean them, but I heard “I love you” a lot. “I love you.” “love you too.” “Love you more than yesterday.” “Ha! Love you more than tomorrow.” And it’s not even today. I would just stand there paralyzed and uncomfortable. “You guys don’t say ‘I love you’?” “No.” There are nine people in my house. Saying “I love you” would be a sign of weakness. They need to wake up and wonder how I feel about their ass. I’m not giving them that. And at this age if I walked into a room and all my siblings were sitting there and they started to say “I love you,” I’d run out because I would know this is some sort of intervention, and I’m not falling for that. I’m not listening to your dumb-ass sad letter. “Dear Kathleen.” We went to Catholic schools. Uh, yeah, I didn’t mind. [man] Whoo! If I had kids, I would make them go to a Catholic school, ’cause I’ll tell you, the one thing I guarantee you, if you send your kids to a Catholic school, they will never join ISIS. Somebody would’ve said to me at age 18 after all that Catholicism, “Hey, could we talk to you about our religion for a minute?” Ha ha ha ha ha ha! “No, you may not. You are 18 years late to this party, Muhammad. You–” [Kathleen chuckling] I think being Catholic is Christian, but it’s been pointed out to me many times in the South that they’re not the same. ’Cause in the South, they’ll go, “Oh, are you Christian?” I’ll go, “Yeah, I’m Catholic.” “Oh, well, we’re Christian.” “Oh, okay. I thought we said the same thing, but I guess not.” There are differences. The Christians have a direct relationship with Jesus. They speak of it like that. “You know what? Me and my relationship with Jesus. I love Jesus. Jesus loves me.” It’s a direct, very solid relationship with Jesus. And I thought, “Wow. Really? You guys go straight to Jesus.” In a Catholic school, I was given a laundry list of people to contact… before, the nuns said, because otherwise I’m bothering Jesus. “You are gonna call these people, Kathleen, before you bother Jesus. You could start with your guardian angel. He’s got nothing to do 24 hours a day except tend to your needs. If he’s not available, you can speak to the saint in charge of the activity you’re upset about. Every single saint has been assigned an assignment. You can speak to Jesus’ mother if you’d like to. You can give Mary a shout. But you are not to bother Jesus.” Okeydokey. Even if I did something bad, I couldn’t tell Jesus. I had to go to confession. I had to get in a creepy closet with a guy in the dark. And then I had to tell him, and he’s gonna tell a guy. And I wasn’t good at confession because my dad, for many years, was a defense attorney. And starting in second grade, he would tell us all at the dinner table, “I want all of you kids to remember if the police capture you or anyone in a position of authority ask you questions, your response, no matter what, are ‘I do not recall, I need an attorney. I do not recall, I need an attorney.’ Ninety percent of people are in prison because they can’t keep their goddamn mouths shut. Never, ever snitch on yourself.” And then I would go to confession in the closet, and the priest would go, “Kathleen, have you done anything bad? Is there anything you’d like to tell me about?” [Kathleen chuckles] I’m not falling for this. My dad’s probably planted him here. I know– I know what I’m supposed to say. “I’m sorry, Father, but I do not recall and I need an attorney.” “Honey, you’re only in second grade.” “Well, maybe you don’t know this, Father Anthony, but 90% of people are in prison because they can’t keep their goddamn mouths shut. If you’d like some more information on that–” If you’re from a big family, you know you never say anything directly to the sibling that you intend on saying something till you say it to a different sibling. They’ll say it to another, and then eventually it’ll get back to the sibling you intended it to say. I, uh– This year at Christmas, my brother said, “You should be on time because last year you were late.” And he said that our other sister said I ruined Christmas. I go, “Really? Did she say that? I ruined it? I’m calling her.” I go, “Did you say I ruined Christmas?” [scoffs] “Well, I might’ve. I mean, you were late. Everybody knew to get there at 9:30. You didn’t get there until 10:00. The kids were all excited. Everyone was excited. We had to wait ’cause you had to stop–” I go, “Okay, I agree. I was late. I apologize for that. But I would like to point out for the future that I think you and I have very different definitions of what ruining Christmas would be.” To me, ruining Christmas would be if I would’ve walked into Mom and Dad’s house with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot them in the face. I think that ruins Christmas. It ruins the rest of the Christmases after that, ’cause you can’t ever have another Christmas without going, “Oh, my God. Remember that one Christmas when Kathleen went crazy and shot Mom and Dad in the face? It was horrible.” My siblings have tons of kids. They’re everywhere. I don’t have any, and I’m glad I don’t. I don’t have the pressure of naming the kids. That’s awful. My youngest brother, his name is John Patrick Madigan. That’s my dad’s name, and that name has been in our family since 1853, circa Ireland, as far as we can count back. And then my youngest brother knew that they were having a boy, and he called and said, “You know what? I’m not gonna do it.” I go, “You’re not gonna name him John Patrick Madigan?” He goes, “No.” I go, “Well, I’ve never asked you for anything, but I would like to know when and where you’re going to be telling Dad this information, because I’m gonna bring a cooler of beer ’cause that’s how long his answer’s gonna be, Pat, and it’s gonna involve the whole history of Ireland and what’s wrong with English people and they were actually potatoes, but they never gave ’em to the people and Henry VIII. Wha– Why– Why would you pick this fight? Your name is John Patrick Madigan. We call you Patrick. His is John Patrick Madigan. We call him Jack. Grandpa was John Patrick Madigan. We call him– You can call him Fuck Nut. Just name him. This is a crazy fight, in my mind. Don’t– You’d have a better time telling Dad you’re gonna become a woman. Seriously. ’Cause Mom would smooth it over ’cause you’re the baby. Everyone in LA’s doing it. Bruce Jenner. Cher’s son.” I said, “Why? Why, Patrick? Why?” He goes, “You don’t know what it’s like to live with somebody else’s name. Exact same name.” He goes, “You know, I cannot get Direct TV because Dad won’t pay their bill.” What? I go, “They don’t even have Direct TV.” “Oh, no, not anymore. They did. Four years ago.” That’s how long the standoff’s been going on. It’s over a movie that Dad claims he didn’t rent. They’ve paid everything but that charge, but that charge has penalties. So it’s now $287. And I said, “Well, just pay the bill. I’ll pay it.” He goes, “No, I could pay it too. But I can’t pay it ’cause he won’t give me the account information. Because he doesn’t wanna pay it.” I go, “What was the movie, just out of curiosity?” He goes, “Lincoln, starring Daniel Day-Lewis. And if you like to hear that speech, call him, Kathleen.” “Why would I rent Abraham Lincoln? Has something new happened? Do we have new information? Did John Wilkes Booth not shoot Abraham Lincoln? I never ordered goddamn Lincoln . I know it.” I said, “All right. Well, if you’re not gonna do that, what other names were you guys thinking of?” He goes, “Well, a lot. But here’s a little left-field one. Maybe Seamus.” And I went, “Seamus Madigan?” He goes, “Why is that funny to you?” I go, “I don’t know. But we should pay attention to that.” I just laughed for no reason. I go, “I think names have power. If you’re gonna name him Seamus Madigan, I think you should lower all expectations.” Seamus Madigan is a bartender. He always was a bartender. He will always be a bartender. I don’t think he’s gonna be a heart surgeon. And if he was, I wouldn’t let him operate on me, even if he was my nephew. If I was in some emergency room, they came out and said, “Your surgeon, Dr. Seamus Madigan, will be out in a minute,” I would be like, “No, he will not.” And I would wheel my ass down to the Jewish hospital, where there was a nice young man named Sam whose family took education more seriously than beer pong and football. That’s what I would do. I have no kids. I don’t– I don’t want them. I’ve seen what it’s done to some of my siblings. Oh, they’re so tired and cranky. My sister’s normally very happy. Has twins. She looks so tired. I go, “You look really tired.” “You don’t have to say that. I know I look tired. I am tired. I have four-year-olds. Did you know– I thought it was gonna get easier. It doesn’t. The average four-year-old asks 436 questions in a day. Did you know that? And I have two of ’em. And I’m too tired to add 436 plus 436. It’s a lot of questions, Kathleen.” I said, “Do you know why they ask 436? ’Cause you were dumb enough to answer the first question. That’s what led to that line of questioning. You got to shut it down.” If I have ’em, I’d throw ’em in the van in the morning. They’ll ask a random question. “Hey, Aunt Kat, how come their dog gets to be out front and ours doesn’t?” “Fuck if I know.” That’s the answer. Ask Siri. Siri has answers. Aunt Kat, no answers. [Kathleen chuckles] Here’s the biggest reason I would never wanna have a kid. ’Cause I will never again on my own or even assist on installing a car seat. I don’t know how many of you ever had to do this, but if you’re gonna, here’s a few helpful hints. Take the whole day off work, because that’s how long it’s gonna take you. Whatever your favorite alcohol is, have a bucket of it next to that minivan, ’cause you’re gonna stop and have to take drinks and re-read things. If you’re over the age of, oh, I’d say 30, at some point you’re going to become infuriated with Ralph Nader, ’cause he’s the one who started it all. I remember being in grade school and he was on 60 Minutes . “Seat belts. Everybody must have a seat belt. Car seat, seat belts, safety is for life. Head injuries are also for life. I have statistics.” Well, maybe you do, Ralph. I’m sure you do. But so do I. There were seven of us, Ralph. For 16 years, we rode around in the back of a station wagon completely untethered. Completely. And we were in accidents. A lot of them. Especially if my mom was driving. We– Sometimes we got hit so hard, I actually flew to a better seat than I’d originally secured. “Who’s got the window now, jackass?” That’s right. And that was with my parents chain-smoking in the car. Both of ’em. It was so smoky in that car. You could barely see other passengers. Seriously. They way, way back was like Studio 54, because the sun would hit the smoke and create patterns, and then I would draw patterns within the pattern because I didn’t have an iPad, so that’s what I would do to entertain myself. If you’re a woman and you’re gonna install a car seat, I would highly suggest you put on a sports bra, ’cause you’re gonna get hot. You’re gonna be so hot, you’re gonna start inadvertently just tearing off pieces of clothing. And if you’re not careful, you’ll end up like I did, in my sister’s driveway in my regular bra just drinking a beer, staring off into space. And the normally, very friendly neighbors came home. I’m trying to talk to ’em. I don’t know why they’re being so weird. And I’m like, “How you guys doing? Yeah, I know. I just came home. She had twins. I need two of these. I can’t– can’t figure it out. I’m so hot. I’m so hot. I would offer you a beer, but I only have three left. And I’ve made no progress.” So– I just found notes on the back– There’s factory notes that say if you don’t know how to do this, you can take it to the police or the fire department and they’ll install it for you. But unfortunately, I didn’t find those notes till after I already started drinking. So I don’t think it would be a good idea to drive to law enforcement, shit-faced, and two car seats and I don’t have any babies. I mean, It’s just too much to explain, right? Crazy. So this was what I was thinking. I was thinking I might set her car on fire. No, call the fire department, and then after they put the car out, I go, “Hey, since you’re all here, do you think you can give me a hook-up?” [man] Yeah! [chuckles] They’re a pain in the ass, to put kids in them, especially in winter with the coats and 70,000 buckles and the whole thing. And my brother’s kid I thought was big enough to not go in a car seat, and I said, “Do I do him too?” She’s just disgusted with my lack of any parenting knowledge. She goes, “Ugh. 4-foot-10, 80 pounds.” What? “That’s a Missouri state law, Kathleen. If you’re 4-foot-10 or shorter, 80 pounds or less, your ass is in a car seat versus a ticket from the Missouri State Highway Patrol.” I go, “Really, 4’10”? That is excellent news because right now I’m only 5-foot-1. The average woman, due to osteoporosis… in your life, you would have shrunk anywhere from two to five inches. I am not certain. I am bad at math. But I’m pretty sure that puts me back in a car seat. I can’t wait to be back in a car seat. All these nieces and nephews I have will be old enough to drive. I’m gonna do exactly what they do. I’ll call and say I need a ride. Then I’m gonna pack a big bag full of unnecessary, unrelated items that I have to have, or there is going to be a meltdown. Then, like the five and six-year-olds, I’m gonna get in the van and walk, on my own accord, to the very backseat, and I’m just gonna hop up in it like they do and wait for the great buckling. Just sit there. [mouthing words] Then I’m gonna let ’em buckle me in. Then I’m gonna let them pull away. And I’m gonna wait till they drive where it’s somewhere terribly inconvenient to pull over. And I’m gonna start screaming from the back like they do. “My buckle’s too tight!” [gasping] “I’m choking!” [gasping] [chuckles] “I dropped my wine.” [gasping] “I can’t reach my wine.” [chuckling] That’s what I want to do when I’m retired. I just want to drink red wine and watch House Hunters over and over. I love that show. I do. I don’t know why. I don’t even care what houses these people are buying. I’m more interested in their relationships because at least 50 percent of the people shouldn’t even be married, more or less purchasing property together. I saw one in Atlanta. It was a man and a woman. They walked into the house. And the first thing out of the man’s mouth, he goes, “Ah! I can’t live with this backsplash.” Oh, my God, ma’am. You have a much bigger problem than what house you’re gonna buy. You have accidentally married a gay guy. And his boyfriend is not gonna approve of this ugly backsplash when he comes over here while you’re at yoga, aka drinking with your girlfriends on a Thursday. I’m just amazed to, like– In my whole life I’ve never punched anybody, but if I was the Realtors on this show, I would punch at least half of these people– my own clients right in the face. They are so demanding, and they naysay a house right out of the gate. They just walk in and go, “Pah! I can’t live here. There’s no granite countertops.” I’m sorry. Maybe you forgot. You have a budget of $8.00. Maybe… you should be grateful that I’m not showing you a mobile home right now and bragging about the porch that JoJo put on before he went back to prison. What in Christ’s name would make you think you can have granite countertops? And it’s always the meanest lady of any episode who at some point would go, “I don’t know if I want to live here. I don’t see any room for entertaining.” Well, don’t worry, ma’am. No one’s fucking coming over here. You’re the meanest person I’ve ever heard speak English on television. Seriously. But I think over the age of 40, if that’s what I wanna do with my time– Over 40 you can kind of give up. If I just want to drink wine, why not? The dream catcher didn’t catch anything. It’s the third quarter. I’m losing. Just– I do understand– Over 40– I don’t understand young people that kind of give up so early where you can tell they’re just disgusted. They don’t want any more information. They have just had it. Early, like in their 20s. I flew to Norfolk, Virginia. I’ve never been there. I got off the plane. And their airport was themed. I’ve never seen that. And the theme they chose was mermaids. They were everywhere. They were, like, in the carpet, in baggage claim. They’re handing you the luggage. They’re just everywhere. And I went to the gift shop on the way out because I wanted to get water. There’s a girl working in the gift shop. She’s about 25 years old. I said, “Hey, I’m not from here. What’s going on with all this mermaid stuff?” And she said, and I quote, [raspy voice] “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Wow. Wow. I thought, she truly doesn’t give a shit. She– Bigfoot could’ve been shopping in that gift shop. She’d be like, “I don’t know what your hairy ass is planning on buying, but I close in five minutes, all right? I ain’t scared of you, Mr. Monster Man.” “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Just so disgusted that I even asked. But then after meeting the mermaid lady, for, like, the next three months no matter what question I was asked, that’s the only answer I would give. I’ll just go, “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” Because it is so confusing and dismissive to the recipient, but it’s so fun if you’re the one saying it. My– My youngest brother, the one who won’t let me speak about Malaysian Flight 370, he helps me with my taxes ’cause if I– Any state you work in you have to fill out their forms even if you don’t get money back. He called about six weeks after I’ve met the mermaid lady, and he goes, “Yeah, Kathleen, I’m trying to do your taxes. I’m trying to get all these states. I think you worked in Wisconsin two times. You should get– They have a state-withholding tax. You’ll be able to get a refund. It’s a 3.8 percent. Ah, da, da. When you got paid, you should’ve been given some forms. Do you know where those forms are?” “I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.” And I guarantee you, if you say that, the only thing a person will ever say back is, “What?” And then– [mouthing words] That’s what I wanna do. I wanna drink red wine and watch House Hunters . Uh, I don’t usually think I drink too much until you go to the doctor and they have those drinking questions on there. Yeah. Mine, it’s seven and eight. Question 7: Do you drink alcohol? A little tiny box says, “Yes.” Question 8: Do you drink two, four, six or eight drinks a week? “No.” [laughs] No. You are not even in the right ballpark. Jesus Christ. What is this, a Mormon practice? I thought the name said “Fitzgerald.” And I would not be judged on my deviant and abhorring drinking behavior. See other side, parenthesis, arrow. No. If I do feel bad about my drinking, I would come here. ’Cause you guys set a whole new bar. [audience cheering] Uh, or I go to Ireland. I try to go once a year to be with my people. To reset my priorities and my boundaries. I have friends that go to Hawaii every year. They’re like, “We love Hawaii, but you seem to really love Ireland. Do you think we would like it? Do you think they’re similar?” Oh. [scoffs] Well, they’re both an island. Um, Ireland, however, would have no vegetables or sun. I don’t know if those two things interest you, but they are fresh out. It is not a healthy place. That’s why I feel at home there, and that’s why I like it there. It’s sort of the gist. They just don’t really, truly give a shit. On a good level, in a healthy way, they’ve decided to not be healthy. I was in a pub. I ordered roast beef with mashed potatoes, ’cause I love that, and I thought, I’m going to ask, probably the answer is no, but I– The guy was like 80, the bartender. And I go, “Hey, do you guys, by any chance, have any corn?” You would’ve thought I asked for an eight-ball of cocaine. I– He goes, “Corn?” [Irish accent] “No, we wouldn’t have any corn here in the countryside. We probably don’t have any corn in the entire country at the moment.” I said, “Have you ever had corn?” “Yes. I’ve had corn. When I was nine, we traveled to Germany. And I had some corn and I didn’t care for it.” I was like, “Good for you.” He hasn’t had corn in 71 years. And he doesn’t give a shit. And he looks fine. And he’s bartending on a Thursday. The whole pace of Ireland is just slower. But I like it better. It just takes you a while in your American mind to slow down like that. I went– ’Cause they don’t– It’s very– Nobody’s really, you know, fired up on it. I went in a store that said “bagels,” in a little town in the country. I walked in. There’s a lady. And there’s a glass case, and there’s no bagels. And I thought, here we go. Right? I go, “You don’t have any–” I thought maybe they were in the back. “You don’t have any bagels?” “No, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have any bagels at the moment.” “Are you selling any other food right now?” “No. I wouldn’t be selling anything but the bagels, and I don’t have at the moment.” It’s at that point your American brain wants to go, “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” But I would never do that ’cause I’m Midwest polite. I– I said, “Uh, what– Can I ask you a question? Why are you still open? ’Cause you have nothing for sale.” She goes, “I left the door open. First of all, I don’t know where the bagels are. They’re supposed to be here half past 7:00. It’s half past 10:00. I don’t know. Perhaps there’s been an accident on the road. You’ll say a rosary or perhaps a novena tonight for Johnny the bagel man. I left the door open in case I had a nice conversation with someone like yourself.” Oh, my God. I have to now go back to the other bar and order a Guinness in order to fix this conversation in my brain. I love Guinness. That is actually my favorite thing in the whole world. It’s the greatest drink. It’s like somebody had a beer, and then somebody threw a roast beef in the beer, and then somebody put mashed potatoes on top and handed it to you. [man] Whoo! It’s not healthy. But I really don’t care about health either. There comes a point in your life where you’re like, “I think it’s too late.” That’s why I don’t like to watch CNN because Sanjay Gupta, that doctor, comes on, and he is a buzzkill. Every single time he’s on, he’s got bad news about things that can kill us. But it’s things we’ve been doing our whole lives. I’m like, “Sanjay, people watching CNN are most likely over the age of 30. It is too late for us. You, sir, should be on Nickelodeon. Tell the children. Save the children.” It’s too late. I was watching it about two weeks before Thanksgiving. He came on. He’s like, “Uh-oh. Oh, God. Horrible news. Uh, World Health Organization just did a study. And as it turns out, they have decided that processed meats are raising the cancer rates by a much higher rate, specifically bacon.” [audience jeering] Yeah. Yeah, well, that’s right, Wisconsin. That’s– [chuckles] Whoa. I’m like, bacon? I’m sorry to hear that, Sanjay. ’Cause I love bacon. I’ve been eating it my whole life. Sometimes I put it in Bloody Marys. I’ve actually drank bacon. That’s how much– I added it up. In my life, give or take ten, I have eaten 311 pigs. I– I’ve eaten a farm, sir. You can’t fix that with a yoga class. You can’t back that damage up with a walk around the block. And I don’t even go looking for health stuff. I’m not that person where– No. Like the front page of Yahoo. I don’t know. Six months ago it said, “If you’re fair skin with freckles, uh, click here.” Why, I don’t want to click it. You know it’s not good news. They’re not gonna go, “Hey, guess what, freckle people. Y’all won $50. Run on down to the post office and pick up your government check.” No. But I feel like I have to click on it, ’cause it’s a meeting of my people. What if there’s an announcement and I don’t hear it, and I’m the only lady that didn’t know. Look like some sort of jackass. So I clicked on it. Google this. It’s unbelievable. They go, “Uh-oh. Pah, just found this out.” Incoming. Breaking news. If you’re white with freckles, fair skin, and you’ve been drinking orange juice– All of us, our whole lives– or eating grapefruit, they have figured out that when you go outside in the sun, because your skin– It’s so easy to penetrate your skin, that the sun is activating the acid from the grapefruits and the oranges, raising your chances of melanoma by, like, 27 percent. Yeah. So now, I can’t go outside to exercise in the sunshine. Or I will become activated which forces me back into the dark bar… where I can have a Bloody Mary with some bacon in it. [applause] [man] yeah! And I said to my sister, “I would– I would exercise more. But all I do is fly around. I’m just sitting in an airport.” She goes, “You should get a Fitbit.” This is what this is on my arm. It would work better if I charged it properly. But this counts your steps and your miles. And it’ll have your heart rate if you want to enter your food. It’s like this– I go, “Well, maybe I’ll do that. Maybe I’ll get addicted to seeing how many steps I get in a day.” So, from my iPad, on my couch, I ordered the Fitbit from Amazon. I paid the extra money to have it overnighted. So the following day, this was on my porch on my front steps, which I now know is six and a half steps away from my couch. And then I opened it up, and I googled it, ’cause I wanted to know how it work. Really? It can count how far I’ve walked, steps and speed. We can’t find Flight 370, but I’m not supposed to talk about that. Supposed to just let that go. But we have this technology. So I googled, “How does it work?” It works based on this motion from when you’re walking. And then, my Irish jackasses kicked in and I thought, but does it know if my whole body is moving? What if I had a glass of wine and I was going like that? Would it know? The answer is no. It does not know. I drank two and a half miles while watching the last– [applause] Thank you. Two and a half miles while watching the last Republican debate. I know I won’t vote for any politician who says this, uh, at anytime. If they say it. So far four of them have said it. It’s like a hack line they say on the campaign trail. I just find it so cheesy. They’ll go, “People, America is a place where your dreams can come true. I’m here to make your dreams come true. Wouldn’t you like your dreams to come true?” I’m sitting there thinking, “No. No, I don’t.” And the fact that you said that makes me certain you have never drank a box of wine and taken an Ambien. I do not want my dreams to come true. It was horrifying. I did it like six weeks ago. Here was the dream. This is the whole dream. I’m in Alaska, wearing a sombrero. It’s raining Cheetos, but I can’t move my arms. [groaning] Three and a half hours of that. No thanks. And then I turned on late-night TV, and that’s all the infomercials. And there it was, the Sarah McLachlan sad animal commercial. [audience groans] Exactly. I feel the same way. But I’ve seen it like 200 times. And do you know what I’ve done? Honestly? Nothing. And that’s not nice. But that’s the truth. I thought, why don’t I react to this? I can’t get an animal. I’m gone too much, but I could send the money. I think they say like 62 cents a day for the dog or the cat, right? But then I thought, “Well, I don’t know what’s going on there, Sarah, but that kid on the other channel is only 55 cents a day. So maybe your cat’s living a little large, Sarah. Or maybe the child needs a raise. I don’t know, but someone should check that before you start throwing figures like that out at night, late night when all the infomercials are on in a row.” And I thought, this ad doesn’t work on me because it’s so sad, I usually turn it off. Like, you can’t motivate people to action through the emotion of sadness. You need to make people angry or shocked or appalled. That’s what gets people of their ass. You don’t ever see a protest with a bunch of people just laying around crying. No. That’s not going to happen. And I thought, they need to redo this commercial to make a lot more money for the animals. I– This is what I’m doing late night after my Ambien and boxed wine. I’m thinking of how to fix the commercial. And I– I would call Sarah back. She seems like a lovely lady. Call her up in Canada and go, “We really messed up. We need you back down here, and we’re going to reshoot the commercial.” You pay for her to come back to America. You go, “Here’s what’s gonna– Here’s how it’s going to work, Sarah. We’re going to send you out to that song that you wrote, the saddest song ever written on earth.” ♪ In the arms ♪ [yowling] I don’t know what the words are. I think it’s about that cat having pink eye, but I can’t– I don’t know. That one definitely has pink eye. It’s dangerous ’cause it’s gonna hop to the other eye like Bob Costas at the Olympics. It’s– It’s a mess. You got to put hot water on it. And cats don’t like water. I don’t know how you would begin to fix that. But here’s what’s gonna happen, Sarah. You’re gonna walk out to that song that you wrote. Lovely song. And in one hand, you’re going to be holding a beagle puppy. And in the other hand, you’re going to be holding a pistol. Remember, this is for the animals. Stay with me. And then I’m going to need you, Sarah, to say in your oh-so-angelic voice, without laughing– You have to be serious. She’ll go, “Hello. I’m Sarah McLachlan. If someone doesn’t come down here… in the next 45 minutes, I’m gonna blow this beagle’s brains out.” I would be horrified. I’d be like, “Can you Shazam her location? Where is she?” And I would drive down there, and I would take the puppy and kick the gun out of her hand. And where did you even get a gun? You’re Canadian. You’re allowed one bear gun per family, Sarah. That is not a bear gun. You guys have been a lot of fun. If you drank and you’re gonna drive, focus. Don’t be playing with your phone. I am not advocating drinking and driving. I’m not. Drinking and driving is really bad. And it’s really bad– I never thought about this. But I have a friend, who told me to say was a very handsome friend, Rick in Denver, he got a DUI. I never thought about this until he told me what happens. Now when you get taken to jail, they take all your stuff. That includes your phone. And they lock it all in a drawer. Then they come back to your cell and tell you you’re now allowed to make one phone call. [blows air] Well, that’s the problem. ’Cause you just locked my brain in a drawer. I don’t know anybody’s phone numbers by heart anymore. Seriously, I don’t. I don’t know what I– What– What would you do? I know the number of the house I grew up in. I could call that family… and hope that they were really nice people. “Don’t hang up. Don’t hang up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m in so much trouble. I know you guys are kind of busy in Ferguson. Do you have $2,800?” Then I thought, seriously? They wouldn’t let you look at your phone? He goes, “Kathleen, you don’t get it. No, no.” I go, “I think that’s being stringent. You’re not a murderer. You’re not a rapist. You’re Drunky the Clown. You’ve been captured. You can’t hurt anybody. They wouldn’t even show you your contacts?” “No.” I thought, especially if I had been drinking, that’s when my jackass behavior would kick in. And I would say, “Okay, I’m ready for my call.” I let them bring me the phone, and my one call, I would call 911 from the cell. [chuckling] “Hello. Oh, yes, this is absolutely an emergency.” [blows air] “Well, I have been kidnapped. That’s what’s going on here. I was abducted by two men in matching outfits. And I was thrown into what I can only surmise right now is some sort of sex dungeon.” [chuckling] “No, I’m not laughing. No, I’m not laughing. My location? Well, that actually is kind of funny. If– If you would just glance down the hall. Ha ha!” All right, you guys, thank you so much. I’ve had a great time. Thank you for coming out. We appreciate it. Lew too. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Thank you, guys. Thank you. [Arden] ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪

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Dave Chappelle: The Closer (2021) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-the-closer-transcript/

[audience murmuring] [murmuring continues] [audience clapping in unison] [sudden silence] [vinyl pops] ♪ Listen carefully ♪ ♪ This is for my favorite band Of human beings ♪ ♪ The faithful, the graceful, The tragic, the classic ♪ ♪ The evidence of things unseen, The book of light ♪ ♪ The mansions of the moon The bones are for their own ♪ ♪ Recently discovered And everything but no ♪ ♪ The doubtest doubts about it Never made it unsure, life! ♪ ♪ The gift, peace out the pressure Can’t remember how you came ♪ ♪ When I am better, How you exit from the start ♪ ♪ The only thing certain is the end ♪ ♪ Promise to all and none, Knowing not when ♪ ♪ Heartbreak from yesterday, A fret for tomorrow ♪ ♪ I leave you now filled with anxiety And hollow ♪ ♪ If you break don’t worry, If you worry don’t break ♪ ♪ My homie told it to me Just the other day ♪ ♪ From the tall castle walls To the mean teeth streets ♪ ♪ I hope you get what you are And that you are what you need ♪ Thank you. [audience cheers] Everybody have a seat, be comfortable, relax. I got to tell you… let’s go. [audience cheers] Thank you. I need you guys to know something. And I’m gonna tell you the truth, and don’t get freaked out. This is going to be my last special for a minute. [audience screams] It is all good. Listen to me. I did it in Detroit for that reason. [audience cheers] That’s right. You wanna know why? ‘Cause I talked so much shit about Detroit in the first special I figured, I might as well, do the last special here. Sorry about that, by the way. [audience laughs] First of all, before I even start, I’m gonna say that “I’m rich and famous.” [audience laughs] And the only reason I say that is ’cause the last 17 months were hell, and I cannot imagine what everybody went through. Well, I’m happy to see you and I’m happy you’re well and I hope everyone you love is okay. [audience cheers] I don’t want you to worry about me, I’m… vaccinated, I… [audience laughs] got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. [audience laughs] I got to admit, that’s probably the most n*ggaish decision I’ve made in a long time. [applause] I walk in to the doc like, “Give me the third best option.” [audience laughs] I’ll have what the homeless people are having. So far, so good. And I know you probably heard on the news, I did get coronavirus. And it was something else. Like, okay first of all, when the doctor told me I had coronavirus I got to tell you, I was surprised how it made me feel. I felt dirty. [laughter] I felt gross. ‘Cause I’ve been walking around Texas just touching door knobs and shit, hands all moist. Tipping n*ggas with cash. “Here, take this to your family.” [laughter] I must have killed thousands of people. Just trying to get tonight’s show together so I hope you appreciate it ’cause a lot of n*ggas died for me to get this one off. [applause] [cheering] I hadn’t felt that dirty in a long time. Last time I can remember, feeling dirty like that, man, I must have been a little boy. I was being molested by a preacher. [laughter] But don’t feel bad for me, I liked it. [laughter] I used to get a kick out of cumming in that fellows face. [audience laughs] Well, he asked me to do it. They make you quarantine. I had to quarantine for ten days at least. They said “You’re gonna have to stay in the room,” I didn’t go nowhere. And it started making me nuts, ’cause I would just sit in the room and watch videos all day. Now, do you know what I was watching? And I hate to say this, but there was a lot of videos sadly, of Black people… beating up Asians for no reason. These attacks were unprovoked, I couldn’t believe it. And I was sitting in the room watching this shit, it would stress me out. I was stressed already because the whole time when you get coronavirus, at least the first five days you wait, and see how sick you’re gonna get. And it turns out, and this is true… I didn’t get sick at all. [laughter] Not a cough, not a booger, not a fever, nothing. Look at me I am the Magic Johnson of coronavirus. [audience cheers] I just sat in the crib and got stronger all week. But I was stressed, ’cause I kept watching these videos of my beloved Black people beating up my beloved Asian people, and being so cruel. And the whole time I watched those videos, this is fucked up but I couldn’t help but feel like… When I saw these brothers beating these Asians up. It’s probably what’s happening inside of my body. [laughter] [audience cheers] [applause] I didn’t get sick. I also saw a lot of videos of UFOs. I mean, what the fuck has been going on with that shit? This n*ggas are here. These UFOs keep coming to Earth and it made me think of an idea for a movie. Sounds dumb, but hear me out. In my movie idea we find out that these aliens are originally from Earth. That they are from an ancient civilization that achieved interstellar travel and left the Earth thousands of years ago. Some other planet that they go to and things go terrible for them in the other planet so they come back to Earth and decide that they want to claim the Earth for their very own. It is a pretty good plotline, huh? [audience] Yeah! I call it Space Jews. [laughter] Space Jews. [man] We loved it! Alright. It’s going to get worse than that, hang in there. [laughter] It is going to get way worse than that. Then I thought of an idea for a children’s book. I actually wrote it. It is coming out soon. The book is designed to help parents, teach their children about racism which, if you’re a parent you know is an impossible concept to teach to a child. But I’m doing it. The book is about a big, strong beautiful Black man with a benign, regular-ass White name… and he has a White speaking voice. So whenever this motherfucker calls to get a reservation at a restaurant, oh, he gets the reservation. [laughter] That name and that voice, who could resist him? Now I should tell you, this Black man is literally an actual giant. And he is a strong dude. And when he shows up to them restaurants they see that big giant Black dude they say “You can’t come in here.” And they call the police. And then every installment of the book the police come, and they always shoot him. [audience laughs] But remember, no, remember this guy is a giant, these bullets don’t kill him, they don’t even hurt him. They just break his heart. It is called Clifford, the Big Black N*gga, anyone? [audience cheers] This is my last special, because I have an objective tonight. I came here tonight… because this body of work, that I’ve done on Netflix I’m going to complete. All the questions you might have had about all these jokes I’d said in the last few years I hope to answer tonight. And I would like to start by addressing the LBGTQ community, correct. [audience cheers] And I want every member of the community to know that I’ve come here tonight in peace. [laughter] And I hope to negotiate the release of DaBaby. [laughter] [audience cheers] Sad story! DaBaby was the number one streaming artist until about a couple of weeks ago. Took a nasty spill onstage, and said some… said some wild stuff about the LBGTQ community during a concert in Florida. Now you know, I go hard in the paint but even I saw that shit was like, “God damn, DaBaby.” He pushed the button, didn’t he? He pushed the button. Punched the LBGTQ community, right in the AIDS. [laughter] Can’t do that. Can’t do that. But I do believe and I’ll make this point later that the kid made a very egregious mistake. I will acknowledge that. But, you know a lot of the LBGTQ community doesn’t know DaBaby’s history, he’s a wild guy. He once shot a n*gga… and killed him, in Walmart. Oh, this is true, Google it. DaBaby shot and killed a n*gga in Walmart in North Carolina. Nothing bad happened to his career. [laughter] [applause] Do you see where I am going with this? In our country, you can shoot and kill a n*gga but you better not hurt a gay person’s feelings. [laughter] And this is precisely the disparity I wish to discuss. I have a question for the audience and this is a real question, I am not joking around. Is it possible, that a gay person can be racist? [audience] Yes! Yeah! Do you really think so? [audience] Yeah! Of course it is possible. Look at Mike Pence. [audience laughs] [applause] I am guessing, but I bet you, he is gay. Yeah. [woman] Oh my God. And he is not pride parade gay either, he is sad gay. I feel bad for him. He looks like one of them gays that prays about it. Jesus, please take these dirty feelings out of my heart. [laughter] Please Jesus, make these buttholes ugly to me. I don’t want to keep on tasting these dicks. [laughter] Funny. You guys are confusing your emotions. You think I hate gay people and what you’re really seeing is that I’m jealous of gay people. I’m jealous, I’m not the only Black person, that feels this way. We Blacks, we look at the gay community and we go “God damn it! Look how well that movement is going.” [audience cheers] “Look how well you are doing.” [applause] And we’ve been trapped in this predicament for hundreds of years. How the fuck are you making that kind of progress? I can’t help but feel like if slaves had baby oil and booty shorts… [laughter] …we might have been free a hundred years sooner. You know what I mean? If Martin Luther King was like, “I want everybody to get up on them floats. Get your bodies good and shiny.” I don’t hate gay people at all, I respect the shit out of you. Well, not all of you. I am not that fond of these newer gays. Too sensitive, too brittle. Those aren’t the gays that I grew up with, I missed them old school gays, n*gga. Them Stonewall n*ggas, them the ones that I respect. [audience cheers] They didn’t take shit from anybody, they fought for their freedom. I respect that shit, I’m not even gay and I want to be like a Stonewall n*gga. Them old school, gangster gays. Them glory hole n*ggas, them the ones I like. [woman cheers] These new gays don’t even know what the glory hole is. It’s a hole in the wall, that gay contractors build. [audience laughs] You want to know why they put that hole in the wall? I’ll tell you, there is no nice way to say it. ‘Cause when they want to have some fun they will put their penises in that hole and hope for the best. I respect that shit. It’s a lot of courage on both sides of that hole n*gga. [laughter] I’m not even gay and I want to try that glory hole out. [audience laughs] [applause] What if Martin Luther King had to integrate the glory hole? “I don’t care if it is Black lips back there or White lips back there a mouth is a mouth. A warm wet mouth.” I’m going all the way. I got into a fight. I almost got into a fight, it is complicated. I was in a bar in Austin, with my wife and it was during Covid, and a woman came to our table and she was maskless, and this bitch came over, no mask, all “H” words. “Hi, how are you?” [laughter] Droplets was coming out of this bitch’s face. We all covered our drinks. Ew! Baby, what are you doing? Now I looked over the table that she came from, and I peeped game. The men at the table were filming me. This happens when you’re famous. People will come over and try to rattle your cage and get you to say something stupid or dumb so that their buddies can film it and get a video of you embarrassing yourself. And clearly I said, “This is what is happening.” And these dumb motherfuckers thought, it was my first rodeo. [laughter] [applause] Sadly it worked. [audience laughs] I ran right over there, I said… I pointed right in the camera I said, “You is a bitch-ass n*gga for doing this to me.” [audience laughs] And the dude was shocked that I said it. He said “Huh?” And when he did like this, I’ve seen all his fingernails is painted and I realized like, “Oh-oh.” [laughter] “This fellow is gay.” Yeah, you know how I talk. I call everybody a bitch-ass n*gga. You know what I mean? But that is not a right thing to do if they’re gay. You know what I mean? And now I was in trouble and not only that, the motherfucker was huge. He stood up, he was towering over me. He must have been 6′ 5″, a big White corn-fed Texas homosexual, this n*gga was ready to fight. And he started barking on me, but I stood my ground, I wasn’t scared. How could I be scared? This motherfucker’s shirt was tied up in a knot like this. Oh, fuck this guy. Let’s go, n*gga, let’s go. I thought we were going to come to blows. I was ready and then right when you think we would fight, guess what he did? He picked up his phone and he called the police. And this, this thing I am describing is a major issue that I have with that community. Gay people are minorities, until they need to be White again. [laughter] [applause] I’m being very brutally honest, so we can solve this problem. I’m telling you right now a Black gay person would have never done that to me. ‘Cause a Black gay person knows, when the police shows up they’re not going to care who called ’em. They don’t show up like, “Which one of you n*ggers is Clifford?” [laughter] We’re all Clifford. This happens far too often. Another time, about six years ago, there was a lesbian woman that tried to sell a story about me to TMZ. Thank goodness, TMZ could see right through the sham of that story. This woman claimed that I beat her up in a night club because she was a lesbian. That is fuckin’ crazy. Bitch, I didn’t even know you was a woman. [audience laughs] Thank God! TMZ didn’t believe that because I did beat the shit out of her, I am not gonna lie. [audience laughs] It was her fault, I had no choice. I came into the club minding my own business and a woman came up to me, and she goes “Oh my God, Dave Chappelle.” And I was just being reciprocally nice. “Hey, miss, how are you?” Blah, blah, blah. Benign talk, nothing to it. And all of a sudden this lesbian fellow stepped between us. “Hey n*gga, that’s my girl!” I said, “Yo, my man, back up.” Like that. She said, “I ain’t backing up off shit, n*gga, that’s my girl!” I said, “Bro, you gonna have to give me three feet, like this.” She said, “Stop calling me a man, motherfucker.” I am a woman.” I said, “What?” [laughter] And then I looked deep in this n*gga’s cheek bones. And I said, “Oh my God, you are a woman.” This is too much for me to even wrap my mind around but I tell you what, I un-balled my fist immediately and I softened my posture so that she would know, she is in no danger. I even changed the tone of my voice. I said softly, sweetly, like a pimp might say. [laughter] “Bitch, I’m ’bout to slap the shit out of you.” [cheers and applause] I should have done it. Oh, I wish I didn’t say that. She dropped that foot back, she was in a perfect southpaw stance. Her shoulders were angled correctly, her head movement was good, I said “Oh, no! this bitch boxes for real.” She threw a wild hook at me and I saw it coming from yesterday, so I slipped it like this… I had no choice, I had to go to work. I let that jab go, you should have seen me go n*gga. I tenderized them titties like chicken cutlets. [laughter] I whooped the toxic masculinity out of that bitch. [man cheers] That is why I don’t go out no more. Just trying to chill, I’m just trying to live a peaceful life. That’s why I live in Ohio, you know, I live in a little town in Ohio. Must be like 3700 people, small hippie town. Culturally you might feel like, like Ann Arbor to you. [laughter] You know what I mean? Bunch of hippies and shit like that. And n*ggas always ask me like, “Dave, why do you live in that hippie town?” And I’d be embarrassed to tell ’em the truth. Well, you know why I live there? Because Yellow Springs, Ohio has the most beautiful women in the world. And a lot of people might disagree with me but, you got to see them for yourself, they’re gorgeous. But it all depends on what you’re into. You know what I mean? I like White bitches with dirty feet. [audience laughs] If I had a strip club in Yellow Springs, I would have called that shit “Strippies.” All naked hippies, all the time. And I would only hire girls with long titties and long vagina head that looks like they slept on it. And I would keep a pile of dirt, right next to the stage. I’d come up like, “Bitch get your feet in that dirt and get up there and give those people what they came to see.” “Chalk up, bitch.” Couple of years ago I was in Ohio, at a shopping mall. An old White lady… This is true, she was following me around the mall. Which sounds paranoid, but I’m sure she was following me. Mean lady too. You ever see a woman with lines on her face? That just tell you like… even if she’s smiling, it would look like it would hurt the muscles in her face. I knew she was following me, ’cause she was at places that had nothing to do with her I’d be looking around like, “What is this old bitch doing in Gamestop and Footlocker and all the places I like to go?” Every time I see her, she’d just be looking mean on me. And eventually I forgot about it. So, then after, I am shopping I go all the way to the back of the parking lot, I’m parked all the way in the back and as soon as I open my car door I hear a voice go, “David Chappelle.” Just like that. I didn’t even have to look, I knew it was her. And I looked back and sure enough there she was, that face. To be honest with you, she probably wasn’t even that old. She’s probably around my age. But she was a White woman, this bitch looked terrible. [laughter] I’m going all the way. I kept my cool, I was nice. I said, “Hello, miss.” And she didn’t say anything back, all she said was “I watch your comedy.” I said “Oh-oh.” And then she says, this is true, she goes, “Sounds to me… like you, hate women.” I said, “Well, you know what, miss? It’s art.” You are free to interpret this art however you like but I can tell you as the maker of this art that I don’t believe that I feel that way. And she said, “Well, I think…” And I said, “Shut up, bitch! Shut the fuck up!” [laughter] “Before I kill you and put you in the trunk. Ain’t nobody around here.” [audience cheers] I’m just kidding, I didn’t say that. I felt that way, but that’s not what I said. I was more clever than that. You know what I said? And this is exactly what I said, I said, “Miss, before you finish that statement, let me ask you a question. Where did you see me? Did you buy a ticket to a concert I did, I doubt that. Or, maybe you watched one of my specials on Netflix. Or… Or… Did I follow you to your car and do my act?” She said, “What?” I said, “Keep it in the comments section, bitch, this is real life, ta-ta.” [audience laughs] [applause] And then I drove off. And now I got to tell you and this is gonna surprise some people here, but not everybody. People say things to me all the time but what you don’t know, is it does affect me. I think about it. And that one bothered me a lot, I was driving home, couldn’t stop thinking about what this woman said because she is not the first woman that said that to me. It’s puzzling. You know what I mean? Like, what could I possibly be saying… that would make these bitches think, I hate women. [laughter] Couldn’t figure it out. So, you know what I did? I Googled the dictionary definition of a feminist just to make sure, I was talking about the right thing. And do you know, sir, what the dictionary definition of a feminist is? I didn’t either, listen to this. Webster’s defines a feminist as a human being, not a woman, a human being, that believes in equal rights for women. I was shocked, ’cause that is what that meant ’cause by that definition I would consider myself a feminist, and I didn’t even know that at the time. [applause] All these years, I thought it meant frumpy dyke. [audience laughs] Well, that seems always talking to be some… chick in overalls, “Men are trying to rape us.” “Ah, not you bitch, will you please…” [audience laughs] I know, look, listen, I support the feminist movement, I do in my own ways. Well, you guys did the women’s march, I tried to go and support you and none of my friends would go with me. I asked all the fellows, none of them wanted to go. I tried everything. “Come on y’all, there’s gonna be bitches there.” They was like, “Nope.” [laughter] So what I did is, I called my friend Anj. Anj is a Black woman who is a comedy writer and she’s dope. A matter of fact, a matter of fact, she’s the only woman, that I know personally that pays her ex-husband alimony. And she sounds just like a man when she does it. “Fuck that broke motherfucker” and all that, she says all that shit. [applause] So I hit Anj up, I hit her on the text and all I did, I texted. I said, “Anj, are you going to the women’s march?” And she texted me back, and this is a real text, she said… she said, “I hope those White bitches get tear gassed.” [audience laughs] There is a problem in that feminist movement, isn’t there? From its inception in America there has always been a racial component. When Susan B. Anthony was having that meeting and Sojourner Truth’s Black ass showed up. Read your history books. All the White women asked Sojourner Truth not to speak. They didn’t conflate the issues of women’s rights and slavery. But you know how Black bitches are, so Sojourner Truth went up there anyway. [laughter] [applause and cheering] She did a famous speech, she said “Ain’t I a woman?” “Ain’t I a woman?” That’s right. And listen, listen, listen. I supported the “Me Too” movement, but the whole time, the whole time I thought that the way they handled it was stupid. [laughter] It was, it was White, it was like… they were doing shit, like going to the Golden Globes and all of them would be like “Let’s all go to the Golden Globes and wear black dresses. And give these men a piece of our minds.” Bitch, that is not gonna work. You think Martin Luther King is gonna be like, “I want everybody to keep riding the bus, but wear matching outfits.” [laughter] You got to get off the bus and walk. It’s real talk. A real talk, that was a silly movement. “I want everybody to wear crochet pussy hats so they know we are serious.” What the fuck was y’all doing? And then I said something about it in one of my specials and all these women actresses came after me. I said, “Man, fuck y’all too, you canceled. I ain’t jerking off to none of your pictures again.” [laughter] [applause] They were like, “Who is he to tell us anything?” I’ll tell you exactly who I am. I’m the one that got off the bus and left $50 million on the bus and walked. [cheers and applause] I agreed with these women. I just didn’t agree with what they were doing about it. Right. Right. No, it was annoying as fuck… because if these women were serious, you know what they would have done? They all would have fired their agents. And they would have went to the mailroom of one of these big agencies and found a woman that was bustin’ her hump in there and said, “If you want to talk to us then you have to talk to her.” And if they did that, then she would be big, and they would be big and nobody would get fed to Harvey Weinstein. But did they do that? [audience] No! No. Was that their idea? No. Surprisingly it was mine. What I think, the feminist movement needs to be very successful… is a male leader. [audience laughs] I’ll do it. I will. I will lead you women to the promised land. I will make sure you will get equal pay for equal work. I will make sure that nobody harasses you or fucks with you on the job. I will protect all of your interests. And all that I ask for in return… is that you suck my dick. [audience laughs] And now, we’re right back to square one, aren’t we? And now we get to the core of the crisis. What… what is a woman? What is that, in this day and time? Is there even such a thing as a woman or a man or anything? Hmm. Hmm? Seems to be a question nowadays. Now listen, women get mad at me gay people get mad at me, lesbians get mad at me, but I’m gonna tell you right now, and this is true… these transgenders… the n*ggas want me dead. [laughter] I’ve gone too far, I’ve said too much. But I got to tell you, I’m very worried about it. I’m not even joking with you. Every time I come out onstage, I be scared. I be lookin’ around the crowd, searching. For knuckles and Adam’s apples to see where the threats might be coming from. A n*gga came up to me on the street the other day. He said, “Careful, Dave, they after you.” I said, “What?” “One they, or many theys?” [laughter] Before I even say anything about that community you must know and I hope you all feel the same way I am not indifferent to the suffering of someone else. There’s laws, the mean laws in our country. North Carolina passed a law once. They said a person in North Carolina must use the restroom that corresponds with the gender they were assigned on their birth certificate. No, no, no, no. No, that is not a good law. That is a mean law. No American should have to present a birth certificate to take a shit at Walmart, in Greensboro, North Carolina where DaBaby shot and killed a motherfucker. [applause] You have to ask yourself, if you’re thinking about it, who are these laws designed to protect? Like let’s say they designed this law to protect me, my interests, transphobic comedian, Dave Chappelle. Let’s say I’m in Walmart, doing a little shopping with my family. Now I should tell you if that ever happens in real life, you should know my dreams didn’t work out. [laughter] Well let’s say something goes horribly wrong and there I’m in Walmart with the poor Whites rummaging around for mediocre goods and services. [audience laughs] And then I got to go to the restroom. So, I excuse myself from my family. I go to the men’s room. Now I’m standing at the urinal, taking a leak. And this is what this law is gonna do. And suddenly a woman walks into the men’s room. I’m like, that’s strange. And then she stands shoulder to shoulder with me at the urinal, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch, what’s going on with you?” [laughter] And then she hikes her skirt up and she pulls a real live, meaty dick out! [laughter] What do you think I am going to say? Thank God, she’s in here with me. At least now I know my family is safe. Mm-mm. No, I’m not gonna feel that way at all, I’m gonna feel very uncomfortable. I would feel better if it was a man with a vagina that backed up to the urinal next to me. [audience laughs] I wouldn’t even think about that, I’d just be like, “That’s funny.” [audience laughs] “This guy is peeing out of his butt for some reason.” “Oh my God, he must be a Veteran, thank you for your service.” I’m not indifferent to people’s suffering ’cause I know it’s hard to be everybody. We Blacks, we just got our first big holiday in a long time. Happy belated Juneteenth to the Blacks. [cheers and applause] Juneteenth is a strange holiday, isn’t it? [audience] Yes. It commemorates when Black people in Texarkana area of the country first found out that they were free. But remember, they were free when they found out. They just didn’t know it yet. Very interesting holiday. You know, I learned something This is a wild story. I learned this past Juneteenth of a story, this is true. And it’s that there was a Black man who was in South Carolina during slavery who somehow got granted his freedom by his so-called master. And when his master granted him the freedom he also gave him a plot of land. Now it turns out, this brother was brilliant. He had a good eye, good knack for farming. And he farmed this plot of land very successfully and made a lot of money, and this is where the story gets crazy. When he got all that money… this n*gga brought some slaves. [laughter] Have you ever heard this before? This is a true story. Not only was he a slave owner, he became a slave breeder. And employed tactics that were so cruel even White slave owners were like, “Yo, my man.” [laughter] He was a wild dude, but he did it just because that’s what successful people did at the time. He just wanted to be down, what a fuckin’ tragedy. How can a person that went through slavery perpetuate the same evil on a person that looks just like him. It’s mind blowing. And shockingly, they’re making a movie about him. Ironically… it is called Space Jews. [audience laughs] [cheers] Space Jews. [distant chuckling] The point of that story is this person was invested in a construct. That was the construct of successful people and he just followed the roadmap of successful people. He followed what they called “an incentive.” Now, everyone struggles but I’m very invested in the gender construct, personally. ‘Cause I’m a man with kids, and a wife, and I like that warm, wet soft pussy that my wife has. [applause] This does not mean that I feel like another point of view can’t exist. I was doing a night club in Oakland, 16 years ago and this was the first time that the trans community ever got mad at me that I knew about. And then I was nobody, I had just quit Chappelle Show. It was like a nothing hole in the wall club and I was doing some transgender jokes in Oakland, it was 16 years ago. My pronoun game was not as nice as it is today. I went too far, I said things like tranny and shit I didn’t know these words were bad, and a woman stood up and just gave me the business. Started screaming at me, and I’m sure it was a woman. But she kept calling me transphobic and all this shit I had never even heard these words before, it was really weird. I didn’t trip, I just gazed at Security to look like, “Go on, get that bitch out of here.” [audience laughs] I kept it moving. And then she went to the press. The next day one of the gay papers wrote all of the same things she had said to me, about me in the paper. Misquoted the jokes, and was calling me transphobic you know, these words, I had never heard them before but every time that I talked with anybody from the community since they always repeat the talking points from that article. My least favorite of which being, I hate this phrase they say, “I was punching down on them.” “Punching down”, what the fuck does that mean? Now fast forward. It is 2019. And I am in a restaurant in Ohio, very nice restaurant. It’s Thanksgiving week. And to be honest, it is not a very nice restaurant, but it is a nice restaurant, if you’re a White person from Ohio that has never been anywhere before. [laughter] Picture Chili’s. [audience laughs] I’m sitting in the bar, I’m having a drink by myself and the only other person in the bar is a woman, a couple of stools down. And she was alone, and she was older, and that made me feel sad, ’cause it was the holidays. So, I told the bartender, “Send that woman a drink on me.” Just trying to spread the cheer, and I wish I didn’t. This woman wanted to talk. She wasn’t mean, she was nice, but she just wanted to talk about shit that you know, I mean a n*gga just trying to get drunk don’t want to hear about this bitch remodeling in her bathroom. And I’m sitting there, trying to be polite. Oh, subway tiles? Word. But then she hits a lick. Piqued my interest. She says, “My daughter is coming home for the holidays.” Like, “Oh, that is great news, I’m glad you’re not going to be alone.” And then she goes on and on about how great her daughter is. I guess her daughter got a new agent and she is out in Hollywood, she’s in movies and on television and all this stuff and as she’s telling me this, I’m thinking, this woman is so sweet. She probably doesn’t even know who I am. Or what I do for a living because I know what your daughter’s is out in Hollywood doing. [laughter] And then she goes, “Would you like to see her picture?” “Oh now I don’t want to see this woman’s picture, but what am I gonna do?” I’m like, “Okay sure, I’d love to see the picture.” And I grab the picture and this is all I say, this is all I say, “Oh… she is very beautiful.” And as she puts the picture away she… looks mean all of a sudden, like she caught me in some kind of trap. “What did that face mean?” And then she goes, “She’s transgender.” And I think to myself, “Oh, this bitch does know who I am.” [audience laughs] I really resented that trap because that trap doesn’t let me be honest. If I was honest, I wouldn’t have fallen for it. I’d have just looked at the picture like, “Look at that big chiseled jawline, that big thick Joe Rogan neck. Is that a dude? Is your daughter a man?” Can’t say that shit. It’s really annoying. Fast forward, now it’s a couple of days later. It’s the Wednesday… before the Thursday that’s Thanksgiving, and I’m in a totally different bar and this bar, trust me, is not a nice place. It’s foul, it’s one of those bars where the top shelf should be under the sink. [laughter] This is where the poor Whites drink. The Tiki torch Whites. You know what I mean? Them White people, they believe in “Q” and they love Trump. You know what I mean? Like Michigan White people. [audience cheers] [applause] I remember I was at this bar one time, it was that kind of bar it is. I was in there one time, I was fucked up and I turned around to everybody in the bar and go “Hey everybody, I am going to buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks.” And all the motherfuckers was like, “Hurrah!” And the bartender knew I was drunk, so she pulled me aside. “Mr. Chappelle, are you sure about that?” That’s going to be 16 dollars. [laughter] [applause] Tough time for the Whites. And this was a holiday weekend. You know what I mean? These motherfuckers were having a rootin’ tootin’ time. They was in there partying, making all them noises. “Ooh! Ow! Yeow!” You know all them noises White people make before lynching? They was doing all that shit. [audience laughs] I was drunk. I looked over my shoulder, I thought I was trippin’. Guess who was in the bar? I thought I was seeing things, I looked across the room and I saw… the trans-bitch from the picture. [laughter] I couldn’t believe it. I said “What is a trans person, doing in a place like this? This is very dangerous behavior.” And she was with, two big, buff, gay Black dudes. I didn’t know these dudes, but I know they was gay. If they had a dick in their mouth, they wouldn’t look any gayer than they did just sitting there. [laughter] They had 1980s gay face. You know what that is? Remember in the ’80s when gay people looked surprised all the time. [audience laughs] [applause] “Close your mouth, n*gga, what is surprising”, you know what I mean? But they was huge, they looked like Jussie Smollett’s trainers. [laughter] And I am thinking, “Man these motherfuckers are in a lot of trouble.” So what I do is I stand up and everybody in the bar likes me, so I make a big show of it to make sure that everyone can hear me. Now, I walk right up to her, and I go “Hey! I just met your mother the other night and she told me all the great things you’re doing in Hollywood. And I cannot believe that someone from a podunk place like this can achieve all that, I’m so proud of you. Welcome home.” And the whole bar said “Hurrah!” And I said “Phew.” “That ought to buy her some time.” You know what I mean? A couple of more drinks and these fellows are gonna start asking her for some pussy, she might not have. [laughter] And she was very gracious. She said “Thank you so much”, and we shook hands and as she was shaking my hand, her face turned mean, like her mom’s. And she said, “Do you mind, not punching down on my people?” Oh, I don’t like that. Normally, I would’ve let it go, but I was drunk. [laughter] I said, “What might you mean, bitch?” [audience laughs] I was careful to call her a bitch, ’cause I didn’t want to blow her cover. [audience laughs] Turns out she wasn’t hiding. She was loud, she was proud. She let me have it in front of everybody. Screaming at me, all the talking points from that article. You transphobic, this and that. Kept clapping her hands in my face. “Let me tell you somethin’.” I said, “Where did you learn this from, Black bitches?” She kept going, “Let me tell you something, honey.” So annoying. She kept calling transgenders, her people. Ain’t that weird? “My people this, my people that.” I said, “What do you mean, your people?” Were you all kidnapped in Transylvanian, brought here as slaves? [laughter] She said, “My people have struggled for decades, honey, decades.” And I looked at them gay Black dudes, like. “Is there anything you n*ggas need to tell this bitch? [laughter] Clifford, Clifford?” [audience laughs] I am exaggerating, she is actually a very nice person and I’m cool with her now, but boy, that shit got on my nerves. And it got on my nerves because, whenever someone says that to me I know they have never seen me for themselves, they just repeat what they’ve heard. Any of you, who have ever watched me know that I’ve never had a problem with transgender people. If you listen to what I’m saying, clearly my problem has always been with White people. [audience laughs] [applause] I’ve been arguing with the Whites my entire career. Just when I thought I had you guys on the ropes you changed all the rules. “Oh yeah?” – Yeah, motherfucker! – “Well.” I am a girl now, n*gger. You must treat me as such. [audience laughs] “Call me a girl, n*gger.” It’s annoying as fuck. No, no, go back, go back tonight after the show, watch every special I did on Netflix. Listen to everything I’ve ever said about that community. I’ll go through ’em. I said, “How much do I have to participate in your self image?” I said, “You shouldn’t discuss this in front of Black people.” I said, “I know n*ggas in Brooklyn that wear high heels just to feel safe.” I asked you “Why is it easier for Bruce Jenner to change his gender than it is for Cassius Clay to change his name?” [audience cheers] [applause] If you listen to what I’m saying, I’m not even talking about them, I’m talking about us and “they don’t listen.” It’s very annoying. And they have canceled people, more powerful than me. They canceled J.K. Rowling, my God. J.K. Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books by herself. She sold so many books, the Bible worries about her. [laughter] And they canceled it because, she said in an interview and this is not exactly what she said, but effectually she said that gender was a fact. And then the trans community got mad as shit, they started calling her a TERF. I didn’t even know, what the fuck that was. But I know that trans people make up words to win arguments. [laughter] So I looked it up. TERF is an acronym. It stands for Trans-exclusionary radical feminist. This is a real thing, this is a group of women… that hate transgender. They don’t hate transgender women but they look at trans women the way we Blacks might look at Black face. It offends them like, “Oh, this bitch is doing an impression of me.” [laughter] Now I shouldn’t speak on this because I’m not a woman nor am I a trans. But as we’ve established… I am a feminist. [laughter] That’s right. [applause] I’m team TERF. I agree. I agree, man. Gender is a fact. You have to look at it from a woman’s perspective. Look at it like this, Caitlyn Jenner whom I have met, wonderful person. Caitlyn Jenner… was voted, woman of the year. Her first year as a woman. Ain’t that something? Beat every bitch in Detroit. She’s better than all of you. [laughter] Never even had a period, ain’t that something? [laughter] I’d be mad as shit if I was a woman. I’d be mad if I was me. If I was in the BET awards, sitting there and they’re like “And the winner for n*gger of the year… Eminem.” My man. [audience laughs] Gender is a fact, this is a fact. Every human being in this room, every human being on Earth had to pass through the legs of a woman to be on Earth. That is a fact. [laughter] Now… I am not saying that to say, that trans women aren’t women. I’m just sayin, that those pussies that they got… You know what I mean? [audience laughs] [applause] I’m not saying it is not pussy, but that’s like Beyond Pussy or Impossible Pussy. You know what I mean? It tastes like pussy but that’s not quite what it is, is it? It’s not blood, that is beet juice. [laughter] Oh buddy, I’m in trouble now. [audience laughs] Before I go, I want to share this story with you because it is important to this point. I want your community to know that one of the coolest people I ever met was a transgender woman. And this is not a man that I knew that became a woman, this woman was trans when I met her. Lived in San Francisco, Daphne Dwarman is the name. I would do 18 shows in the Bay Area sometimes in Oakland and Dirty Hood night club and she would be there, white trans woman, laughing loud and hard, at everything I said. Especially the trans jokes, very puzzling… because she was obviously trans. And one night after one of the shows I met her. And what it was, turns out it was her dream to be a comedian. And I was her hero. It was very moving. I could not dislike somebody that felt that way about me. We became fast friends. And when I made that special Sticks and Stones right as it was coming out, I happened to be in San Francisco and I wanted to do a show. But I needed an opening act, and I remembered… that trans woman I had met, so I called her on the phone. And I called her myself, I said, “Hey Daphne, this is Dave Chappelle.” She couldn’t believe it. And I go, “I’m in San Francisco.” And then she started saying a bunch of wild stuff, I was like “Relax now, I don’t want any pussy, I was… [laughter] I’m just calling, because I’m doing a show and I need an opening act. And I was wondering if you’d open the show?” And she was like, “Fuck, yeah.” Now… I didn’t know this at the time but this woman had only done stand up comedy eight times in her life. This was little to no experience and now she’s about to open a show for what many call the GOAT. [audience cheers] [applause] She’s an amateur in stature, but in practice, she was very professional. She showed up early, which is something I appreciate ’cause I like people to be on time. She was dressed to the motherfuckin’ nines, I mean, I’m transphobic and even I was like, “You look nice.” [laughter] Went up on the stage with all the swag of a professional comedian, grabbed that mic and walked right down the middle and looked at the crowd like a gangster. Man, you should have seen her work. This bitch bombed for 45 minutes, straight. [cheers] And I’m not exaggerating, young man. That show was terrible. Stunk. Stunk. And then she brings me on, and you know, I was like a glass of water after a handful of salt. The crowd was happy to see me. I was killing it. But here is what impressed me. Any other comedian I’ve ever seen, if they had bombed as bad as she did, would have snuck out of the back of the theatre and went home and cried or something, but she didn’t do that. Not only did she not leave, she found a seat, right up in front. You know, when a new comedian watches an experienced comedian in comedy we call this “taking class.” And this bitch took my whole class, she sat up there and was laughing as hard as she always laughs as if nothing bad had even happened to her. And I saw her show. Something bad happened to her. [audience laughs] She was drunk. So she starts talking to me, while I’m onstage but the way a person would talk to a television when they were alone. She was talking to me like that. That didn’t bother me ’cause I knew her. But the crowd didn’t like that shit at all ’cause she sucked. And a guy in the back of the room stood up and Daphne’s hair was dyed blonde at the time and the guy screamed out, and his energy felt wild as fuck. He said, “Hey Daphne!” and everybody got clamped, they got tense. We didn’t know who was a heckler or active shooter, and… [laughter] …he said, “Does the carpet match the drapes?” It was fucked up. The whole crowd kind of groaned, ’cause it was so like, mean. Everybody groaned, except for Daphne. She kind of laughed, which was weird. And she didn’t even look all the way back. She said, “Sir, I don’t have carpets I have hardwood floors.” Just like that. [laughter] Just like that. [applause] Boy, when she said that shit, it blew the roof of the place. Cut through all the tension, with that one joke. She had made up for 45 minutes of a stinker of a show. And after that, she could do no wrong. And I kept on rocking, and she kept on talking to me. And then the show became something cooler than a show. It became like a conversation between a Black man and a White trans woman and we started getting to the bottom of shit. All of them questions that you think about that you’d be afraid to ask, I was just asking them and she was answering them and her answers were funny as shit. The crowd was falling out of their chairs and at the end of the show, I go, “Well, Daphne”… I said “Well, that was fun.” I go, “I love you to death, but I have no fuckin’ idea what you’re talking about.” The whole crow laughed except for Daphne. Man, she looks at me like I’m not her friend anymore. Like I’m something bigger than me, like I’m the whole world in a guy. Then she said, “I don’t need you to understand me.” I said, “What?” She said, “I just need you to believe…” Just like that she goes, “…that I’m having a human experience.” And when she said it the whole crowd kind of gasped. And I gave the Fight Club look. I said, “I believe you, bitch.” [laughter] Because she didn’t say anything about pronouns. She didn’t say anything about me being in trouble. She said, “Just believe I’m a person and I’m going through it.” I know I believe you, because it takes one to know one. [cheers and applause] Then I told the crowd “Good night.” And they started going crazy and before the applause gets to it’s crescendo I was saying, “Don’t forget my opening act, Daphne.” And the crowd stood up. And I looked at her, tears came out of her eyes she couldn’t believe it was happening. I couldn’t believe it was happening ’cause her show stunk. [laughter] And it was a great night. And I remember, the late great Paul Mooney was there bunch of flyers, comedy n*ggas was there. [cheers] [applause] And we all went backstage and was just drinking and talking shit and laughing and Daphne stole the room, she had everyone cracking up. Spinning the yarn, telling us all these crazy stories about shit, she’d be into. We all laughing real hard, and there she is telling us and everyone is laughing. I’m looking around, I’m like, “Oh my God, she is funny.” I pulled her aside, I said, “You’re hilarious. I didn’t know that when you were onstage.” [laughter] I said, “You’re doing some things wrong but I can help you.” I said, “Anytime I’m in San Francisco why don’t you open the show for me and I’ll just try to give you some pointers and see if you can work this thing out.” She said, “Are you serious?” I was like, “Yeah.” And she grabbed me real tight, hugged me, squeezed me. And I pushed her off violently, ’cause I’m transphobic. I said “Boundaries, bitch!” [audience laughs] When Sticks and Stones came out… a lot of people in the trans community were furious with me and apparently they dragged me on Twitter. I don’t give a fuck, ’cause Twitter is not a real place. [audience laughs] [cheers and applause] And the hardest thing for a person to do is go against their tribe if they disagree with their tribe, but Daphne did that for me. She wrote a tweet that was very beautiful and what she said was and it is almost exactly what she said. She said, “Punching down on someone, requires you to think less of them and I know him, and he doesn’t. He doesn’t punch up, he doesn’t punch down he punches lines, and he is a master at his craft.” That’s what she said. [audience cheers] Beautiful tweet, beautiful friend, it took a lot of heart to defend me like that, and when she did that the trans community dragged that bitch all over Twitter. For days, they was going in on her, and she was holding her own ’cause she’s funny. But six days after that wonderful night I described to you my friend Daphne killed herself. Oh yeah, this is a true story, my heart was broken. Yeah, it wasn’t the jokes. I don’t know if was them dragging or I don’t know what was going on in her life but I bet dragging her didn’t help. I was very angry at them, I was very angry at her. I felt like Daphne lied to me. She always said, she identified as a woman. And then one day she goes up to the roof of her building and jumps off and kills herself. Clearly… only a man would do some gangster shit like that. Hear me out. As hard as it is to hear a joke like that I’m telling you right now, Daphne would have loved that joke. That is why she was my friend. [cheers and applause] I was reading her obituary and I found out, she was survived by a daughter. And the moment I found that out, and this is true Anderson Cooper from CNN texted me. And all he says, it’s very nice, he said, “I’m sorry to hear about your friend.” And I texted him right back. “New phone, who this?” [laughter] He said, “It’s Anderson Cooper.” Oh, I said, “Anderson, look I need to find her family.” And he texted me right back with all the phone numbers and all this information. I say this to say, if you ever want to know about anything gay call Anderson Cooper from CNN. This n*gga is faster than Google. [laughter] What I did is, I got in touch with her family and I started a trust fund for her daughter ’cause I know that is all she ever really cared about. [applause] And I don’t know what the trans community did for her but I don’t care, because I feel like she wasn’t their tribe, she was mine. She was a comedian in her soul. [applause] The daughter is very young, but I hope to be alive when she turns 21 ’cause I’m going to give her this money myself. And by then, by then, I’ll be ready to have the conversation that I’m not ready to have today. But I’ll tell that little girl, “Young lady, I knew your father… [audience laughs] …and he was a wonderful woman.” [cheers] [applause] Empathy is not gay. Empathy is not Black. Empathy is bi-sexual. It must go both ways. It must go both ways. [applause] Remember, taking a man’s livelihood is akin to killing him. I’m begging you, please do not abort DaBaby. [laughter] [applause] Kevin Hart dreamt his entire life of hosting the Oscars and when he finally got the job they just took it! It’s not fair. They didn’t kill him, Kevin is a strong guy. But I’m sure it broke old Clifford’s heart. It’s over. LBGTQ, L-M-N-O-P-Q-Y-Z, it is over. I’m not telling another joke about you until we are both sure, that we are laughing together. I’m telling you this is done. I’m done talking about it. All I ask from your community, with all humility will you please stop punching down on my people? Thank you very much and good night. [audience cheers] ♪ First I was afraid, I was petrified ♪ ♪ Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side ♪ ♪ But then I spent so many nights ♪ ♪ Thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong ♪ ♪ And I learned how to get along ♪ ♪ And so you’re back ♪ ♪ From outer space ♪ ♪ I just walked in to find you here ♪ ♪ With that sad look upon your face ♪ ♪ I should have changed that stupid lock ♪ ♪ I should have made you leave your key ♪ ♪ If I had known for just one second, You’d be back to bother me ♪ ♪ Go on now go ♪ ♪ Walk out the door ♪ ♪ Just turn around now ♪ ♪ You’re not welcome anymore ♪ ♪ Weren’t you the one who tried to Hurt me with goodbye ♪ ♪ You think I’d crumble You think I’d lay down and die ♪ ♪ Oh no not I I will survive ♪ ♪ Oh as long as I know how to love I know I’ll be alive ♪ ♪ I’ve got all my life to live I’ve got all my love to give ♪ ♪ I’ll survive I will survive ♪ ♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪♪ ♪ It took all the strength I had ♪ ♪ Not to fall apart ♪ ♪ Kept trying hard to mend the pieces Of my broken heart ♪ ♪ And I spent oh-so many nights Just feeling sorry for myself ♪ ♪ I used to cry ♪ ♪ But now I hold my head up high And you see me ♪ ♪ Somebody new ♪ ♪ I’m not that chained-up little Person still in love with you ♪ ♪ And so you felt like dropping in And just expect me to be free ♪ ♪ Well, now I’m saving all my lovin’ For someone who’s loving me ♪ ♪ Go on now, go Walk out the door ♪ ♪ Just turn around now You’re not wanted anymore ♪ ♪ Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye ♪ ♪ You think I’d crumble You think I’d lay down and die ♪ ♪ Oh no, not I… ♪

1686242808-377

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mo Amer: Mohammed in Texas (2021) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mo-amer-mohammed-in-texas-transcript/

[quirky flute music playing] [single note piano music playing] Ladies and gentleman. [cheering] You can feel excitement in the air. Here we go, Houston, Texas! [cheering] Let’s get this show on the road. Dwayne Johnson here, also known as The Rock, also known as La Roca in Spanish, also known as the sexiest motherfucker alive. It’s not important right now, but what is important that you guys have come together to see one man. The man who hails from a place that many of you know. The Alief area. [cheering] Yes. [chuckles] “The SWAT” as we call it. Many amazing people have come out of the Swat. Lizzo, Beyoncé, Travis Scott. [cheering] And one other person, who you guys did not know has come out of the Swat, is the one and only people’s champ, The Rock! [cheering] Well, just for tonight, I’ve come out of the Swat. But tomorrow I’ll be from some place else. Probably Hawaii. Listen, what is important right now, [chuckles] is that I have the honor of introducing the man who you have come to see. Ladies and gentlemen of Houston, a warm hometown Houston welcome for the man himself. [whistling] The other people’s champion. My boy. Your boy. Mo Amer. [cheering] [deep base music drops] [cool slowbeats music playing] [cheering and whistling] What’s up, Houston? All right, all right, all right, all right. Take a seat. Take a seat. Take a seat. We made it! We made it. [music fades out] We made it, y’all. For real, like, it’s so amazing. We’re all here together. I mean, after the last 19 months that we’ve had. I mean, we’re here. We’re together. As a live performer I thought it was over, to be honest. [laughing] And now we’re here. That was the second time I ever thought my career potentially might be over. The first time… [laughing] was right after 9/11. [laughing and applause] Someone named Mohammed. I was like, “It’s not looking good for me out here.” [laughing] [Mo chuckles] Matter of fact, my own family turned on me. [laughing] My own brother looked me dead in my eyes and goes, “Your career is over.” [laughing] I was like, “How could you say some shit like that to me?” “You know I always wanted to be a stand up comedian.” He goes, “Look how they’re talking about us on the news.” “Nobody wants to see a Mohammed on stage telling jokes.” “Your career is over.” I said, “Omar, you’re a pilot.” [laughing and applause] Now I’m in a movie with The Rock. In your face, bitch. You know what I mean? [chuckles] [cheering and applause] Wow. Is it over though? [sighs] Is the pandemic over? [sighs] Was it real? [sighs] But what, is it over? No for real, I’m asking. Is it though? [soft grunt] I’m always like laughing and about to cry at any moment inside. I’m like [chuckles and grunts]. Was is real? Is it? You know what’s real? Divorce is real. Divorce… [laughing] Divorce is real as fuck. Divorce is so real. I got divorced in the pandemic. It happened, you know. What are you gonna do? [whistling] We both one guy’s happy. [soft cheering and applause] It’s not like those stories that you hear where a comedian’s like, “Fuck that bitch.” No. It just didn’t work out. You know what I mean? And it’s fine. And when you’re married for so long you’re just use to certain things. I was dead asleep one night. And then I farted so hard. [laughing] I farted so hard I woke up ashamed. Like… [gasps] Like this. [laughing] And I looked over to my left and I apologized. And there was nobody there! [laughs] [laughing] I just turned over and cried. I was like… [sobs] [laughing] I wrote that shit down immediately. I’m like, “This is hilarious.” [sobs] [sobs then laughs] [laughing] Is it real? Was it? Is it real? I don’t know. Fuck. [laughing] It’s how I feel… [grunts] …all the time. Pandemi you know, what the media did to us was, honestly, it feels unforgivable. It really did. It’s like, “Panic!” [screams] “It’s coming!” “What’s coming?” “I don’t know. It’s coming.” [laughing] [shouts] “Three people have it.” “What? Huh?” “It’s coming!” “What’s coming?” “Something that has to do with a bat.” “I don’t know.” “Bats are coming?” “No!” “It came from a bat.” [laughing] “And it’s this thing you can’t see with your naked eye, but it’s coming.” “You’re all gonna die.” [screams] “But don’t be scared.” “Don’t” “What do you mean?” “Huh?” “I’m scared.” “I’m worried.” [chuckles] “Don’t worry, just get Chlorox.” “You’re gonna be fine.” [laughing] “Get as much Chlorox.” [soft applause] “But don’t use the Chlorox… [laughing] …before you use Chlorox on the Chlorox.” “Then you could use the Chlorox, okay.” [laughing] “When you get packages, fucking bathe with the packages.” [laughing] They had us all a bunch of assholes. We’re like… [spraying noise] [laughing] “Amazon came in.” [spraying noise] [laughing] “It’s fine, fan it out. It’s fine.” [soft cheers and applause] [screams] [laughing] “Put on a mask.” “How many masks?” It kept changing. [laughing] “Put on a mask. One mask.”, Fauci said. “One mask is like 33% protection.” “Two masks are like 66% protection.” [laughing] “Three masks are like 97% protection.” And then a plastic bag, just 100%. [laughing] Just kill yourself. Just… [grunts] asphyxiate. “Oh, no, we lost another one to COVID!” [laughing] “Nah, bro, one more bag, bro. He killed himself.” [laughing] [huffs] “Stay home. We figured it out.” “Stay home.” “How long?” “I don’t know.” [laughs] “Monthses, I think.” [laughing] “How many monthses?” “Just monthses, bro, I don’t know.” [laughing] “It’s gonna be monthses.” “How many monthses?” “We don’t know.” [laughing] “You’re supposed to know.” “I know.” “But we don’t know.” “It’s monthses. Just stay home.” “Well, I have to go to work.” “Fuck your job,” they said. [laughing] “Fuck your job.” “What do you mean, fuck my job?” “I don’t have to pay rent?” “Whoa, hold on, take it easy.” [laughing] “Capitalism. Take it easy.” “You still have to pay your rent.” “Oh, so, hold on, but then I have to go to well, then, send me money. You know what just send me money.” “No, whoa, what are you, a crackhead, bro?” [laughing] “We can’t send you money if if” “What are you talking about? We can’t send you” “Why you stuttering a lot, bro?” “Just send me this money.” “We we don’t have any money, okay.” [soft laughing] “We don’t have any” “What are you talking about?” “We send you money, but that’s how this works, okay.” “We send you money and you allocate it for different buckets. Right. You got Social security, you got Medicare, Medicaid, there’s a lot of buckets.” “And I’m sure you have a rainy day fund.” “Bro, you gotta have a rainy day fund.” “And it’s pouring outside.” “Fucking full blown hurricane season.” [laughing] “Seven hurricanes hitting at the same time.” “Send me some fucking money.” “I have a confession, we’re broke. Okay.” [laughing] “What do you mean you’re broke? You’re the federal government.” [laughs] “I know, I know.” I know, we’re in debt, okay.” [chuckles] “We’re in debt, all right, it’s” [laughing] “It’s a lot of it’s debt, okay.” “How much debt?” “We’re just minus okay. We’re just…” [laughing] “We’re just” “I know what debt means, bro, just how much minus?” “It’s a lot of minuses.” [laughing] “So much minus. A lot of minus.” “Just spit it out. How much is it?” “Twenty trillion dollars.” [laughing] “Twenty trillion dollars?” “Who’s balancing this cheque book?” [laughing] “MC Hammer? Who’s managing this whole situation?” “How did you get 20 trillion dollars minus?” “Killing Brown people is so expensive.” [audience cries out in surprise] “Oh!” “It’s so expensive.” [loud sigh] “Just so much. So as you can see, we can’t send you money.” “If we’re in minus. Overdraft fees are piling up. We can’t… [laughing] send you out of minus.” [laughs] “What, Kyle?” “The stock market is gonna fail?” “Holy shit, Kyle. Heat up the printer.” “Heat up the fucking printer.” [laughing] “Make three trillion dollars appear.” “And let’s funnel it into the Ponzi scheme that is the stock market.” [soft laughing] Because the stock market is a direct reflection of American hearts everywhere. If the arrow’s going down that means hearts and souls of Americans everywhere is also going down. “But look it’s working, it’s going up!” “Americans are happy again.” “It’s going up.” [laughing] “It’s sky rocketing!” “Wait, wait, wait. How the fuck is it sky rocketing?” “We’re all at home. I thought…” [laughing] I… [laughing and applause] “How is it…” [soft laughing and applause] “How…” “How is this thing going up?” “I thought it was all based off of revenue streams and quarterly earnings. And nobody’s working.” “I get Amazon. Shit.” [laughs] “Everybody is at home ordering, this should be sky rocketing.” “Well, fuck you, Jeff Bezos, and thank you, Jeff Bezos, all at the same time. “Like, but how is this still going up, bro?” “I thought this was all based off of money coming in. Everybody’s at home.” “Look man, shut the fuck up, okay!” [laughing] “Just look at the arrow. God, can’t you just shut shut your mouth and just be happy that the arrow’s going up?” “No, I can’t, bro. We need money.” “Look here’s $1,200. Hush money.” “Shut the fuck up.” [laughing and applause] “Thank you. That’ll last me a week. I appreciate that.” [laughs] “Stop trying to distract me.” “How the fuck is this arrow going up, though, for real?” “Homelessness is at an alltime high.” “Look, aliens are real. Chew on that for a little bit.” “What?” [laughing] “You talk to them?” “Yeah, bro, all the time, it’s crazy.” “Just look at the arrow, all right.” “No, still, like, so many unemployed.” “Fifty million people unemployed. How the fuck is the arrow going up, bro?” “Look, Jada cheated on Will Smith. Chew on that for a little bit.” [laughing] “What?” “Why, Jada, why?” [laughing] “What happened?” “Something about entanglements, I don’t know, it’s crazy.” “Just look at the arrow.” “Just look at the fucking arrow.” “No, for real, stop trying to distract me, bro. How is this arrow still going up, okay? Please explain yourself.” “Look, I’ve got a hot tip for you, okay.” “Cryptocurrency.” [laughing] “What the fuck is cryptocurrency?” “It’s these little people inside of a computer.” “And they’re just mining. They’re just mining for these digital coins, okay.” “What you do is, you move the real fake money over to the… [laughing] over to the more real fake money.” [laughing] “And what you do is, you just move, once you have more real fake money, you move your real fake money over here” “and you just keep doing that.” “I’m so confused.” “Hey, man, I’ve got another hot tip for you. NFT’s.” “What the fuck is a NFT?” [shouts and laughing] [applause] “It’s a blockchain of ownership…” “You know what, I’m just gonna put a plastic bag over my head. Fuck this shit.” [laughing and applause] [cheering] Is it real? COVID’s real. I had it. Dave Chappelle gave me COVID. That’s right. [laughing] Well, that was the second time. [laughing] But the first time, he hits me up right at the beginning of the pandemic. He’s like, “Say, Mo, what are you doing?” I’m like, “I don’t know if you’ve been watching the news, bro.” “I’m at home, dog, that’s what I’m doing.” [laughing] “That’s what you do. We’re all at home. I don’t know if you were watching.” He was like, “Yeah, you can’t let them break us.” I’m like, “We’re broken, bro.” “The whole country is broken.” He was like, “That’s why I’m hitting you up.” “I’m gonna do these shows out in this cornfield in Ohio.” I was like, “I don’t know, man, this doesn’t sound very, I’m not sure, you know.” He was like, “No, no.” “We’re gonna test everybody every three days.” “It’s gonna be very safe. We’re gonna do the best we can. Nothing is guaranteed, of course.” “We’re gonna do the best that we can, every” I was like, “You have testing machines, bro? This is the beginning of the pandemic.” [laughing] “Like, how did you get testing machines?” He just went nuts, He was like, “Say, nigga, I’m Dave Chappelle. Of course I got these” [cheering and applause] I was like, “Good point.” Really good point. So we go, I go to Ohio. And it was a amazing run of shows, like, almost four months of doing these shows. And we almost made it, but we had outbreaks and we had to stop it. And he made it into a documentary film. It’s an incredible documentary film. I saw it at Radio City Music Hall. It was the first time that I got to see it. And then I watched it and I was like, “Wait, the end of the movie makes it look like I ruined the whole fucking party.” [laughing] I got COVID and the whole thing had to shut down because I was being a bitch. I was like, “Wait, hold on a second.” I walked up to Dave. I’m like, “Dave, the way you edited this, you made it look that Mohammed was the villain in the whole situation.” [laughing] “That’s not the truth, bro. I didn’t do” He’s like, “Ah, man, nobody’s gonna think this.” And right after he walks away Bradley Cooper walks up. He’s like, “Man, this is really fucked up how you just ruined the… [laughing] ruined the party in Ohio.” I was like, “It wasn’t me.” “An awardwinning film maker is saying that this is what it looks like.” “Oh, no!” And it wasn’t my fault. It was this tiny little lady. She was really small. And she was handsy. Really handsy. [laughing] And she was touching me all the time. “Hi, Mo.” [giggles] “Hi.” [laughing] Just doing this all the time. I’m like, “Hey, stop touching me right now.” “First of all, it’s a pandemic. Like, I don’t you that well enough” “and stop touching me, like” And then she fakecoughed in my face. [fake coughs] Like this. And I was like, “I love dark humor, but that’s [laughing] That’s not funny!” “It’s not funny, bitch. It’s not funny.” And then she tested positive three days later. [audience sympathizes] I was like, “I knew she was Israeli. I knew it.” [laughing and applause] I knew it. I knew it. They were having a meeting in Hollywood. They were like, “This Palestinian’s getting too powerful.” [laughing] “Just send him this unassuming little gremlin to try and kill him with COVID.” I survived, bitch! I survived! [laughing] That was the first time I got COVID. [laughing] The second time, Dave Chappelle calls me again. [laughing] Saying, “Man, what you doing?” I’m like, “I’m recovering from COVID.” [laughing] He’s like, “I’m gonna do these shows in Austin. Joe Rogan is gonna be on it.” “It’s gonna be dope.” “You should join.” I’m like, “Dave, I don’t know if this really worked out for me the first time.” [laughing] And he was like, “Nah, man, this is gonna be different.” “We gonna test every day.” “Last time we were only testing every three days. We’re gonna test every day.” “So we gonna catch that ho and put her in a closet.” [laughing] “You’d be straight.” I was like, “Fuck it, let’s do it.” [huffs] [laughing] We’re like ten days into doing shows and Dave walks up to me and he’s like, “Hey, man, I got this joint from JayZ.” I was like, “Word?” He was like, “Yeah, I got this joint from JayZ.” I was like, “JayZ’s here?” He was like, “Nah, man, JayZ has a weed company and he sent me these joints.” [laughing] “You wanna go? Let’s go roll around your car and let’s smoke this together.” I’m like, “Shit, Dave Chappelle has a joint from JayZ asking Mo Amer if he wants to smoke this shit, you’re damn right, I’m gonna smoke the shit out of this joint.” [cheering and applause] Obvious. So then we’re cruising and then he lights up the joint. And I should’ve known better! Because he took a hit and then he goes… [coughs] like this. [laughing] I was like, “You okay, Dave?” He was like, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” “I’m fine. This JayZ weed makes you do JayZ impressions like…” [coughs] “Djeah!” [cheering and applause] I took the joint. I took a couple of hits. I was like, [coughs] “… djeahhova!” [chuckles] [laughing] Smoke it. We laughed. It was a great ride. And then I dropped Dave off because it was like 30 minutes until show time. And then I started texting him, I was like, “Say, bro, you want me to swoop you up?” “Is there special guests, should I come later?” And he went silent. And I was like, “This is weird.” “Dave, we just dropped you off, bro. This is really odd.” And then friends started texting me. They haven’t heard from him in, like, weeks. They were like, “Hey, man, is Dave okay?” I’m like, “Yeah, Dave’s okay.” “You don’t know him, that’s my boy.” [laughing] “What are you talking about?” “We just hanging out.” And then they sent me a link. I was like, “What is this link?” So I touched the link and it opens up. And it’s TMZ front page news, “Dave Chappelle tests positive for COVID.” [sympathy from audience] Then I was like, “This can’t be true!” And then I was like, “Shit, It’s TMZ, they’re always right, these motherfuckers.” [laughing] I was like, “How did they know before I knew?” “I just dropped off Dave.” “He called them before he called me.” “Fuck. That’s fucked up, bro.” And then he tried to deny it. I walked up to him and I was like, “Dave, it’s fucked up you gave me COVID a second time.” And he goes, “There’s no way to really prove that, Mo.” [laughing] [laughs] I was like, “Bro, the first day you tested positive I was smoking a joint with you.” “Minutes before you tested positive.” And he got silent and he just goes, “I’m sorry I gave you COVID, bro.” [laughing] [huffs] And then he goes, “Walk it off, at least it’s not AIDS.” And he’s just walking around like this. [laughing and applause] [Mo laughs] Is it over? [chuckles] Is it? [grunts and laughs] [laughing] [laughs] So I am done. I had that shit twice. Okay. Fauci, “Only seven people in the world have ever gotten it twi” Bullshit! I’m special, but I’m not that fucking special, Fauci. [laughing] So I’m done. I had it twice. And I’m vaccinated. I’m over it. I’m over it. I got the Pfizer vaccine. [cheering] That’s what I want. Everybody has their favorites, but I went with Pfizer. I want… [laughing] I want like a German scientist making my shit, you know what I’m saying? [laughing] I want the guy like, [in fake German accent] “Yavi, hows the Pfizer? Ya!” “We knew he was coming out of Wuhan.” “The COVID. And we are way ahead of schedule.” “Ya! We have the vaccine! The Pfizer!” That’s the one I want. That’s what I [cheering and applause] The what? [cheering and applause] “Yaza!” [chuckles] “Hmm, ya, iz good, ya, we have the Pfizer.” [chuckles] [laughing] “You have the Pfizer? I have the Pfizer.” [laughing] [chuckles] I’m not doing Johnson & Johnson. I’m not doing that. [huffs] I don’t even use their regular products. [laughing] And they make too many for my comfort, bro. [laughing] You want me to tell you like, “What’s in the Johnson & Johnson?” “I don’t know, man, like we just started off with a little snake venom in there.” [laughing] “And then we just added some Johnson & Johnson baby powder to thicken it up a bit.” [laughing] “Some Johnson & Johnson baby oil to loosen her up a bit.” “Then we put a goddamn baby in there.” [laughing] “Just a whole fucking baby.” “And we finished it off with a little wild turkey to give it that pop!” “Know what I mean?” [laughing and applause] “How many shots do I take?” “No shots, we just pass it mouth to mouth.” “You just come on now…” [laughs] [laughing and applause] It’s so absurd. I [huffs] It’s so absurd, like [huffs] Like, vaccines having accents is so ab [chuckles] What’s Moder [huffs] What’s Moderna? [imitating Mexican accent] [laughing] “You got that derna, bro?” “We give you one shot then you Crip Walk out this bitch.” You know what I mean. Like, bra, lets do it?” [laughing] Like I’m g [chuckles] That derna. [chuckles] [grunts and exhales sharply] [laughing] Fuck! [laughing] That’s how I feel inside. [soft laughing] I do. That’s how I feel inside. All the time. Fuck. [laughing] All the time. I’m just… [grunts] fuck. [laughing] [grunts] Fuck. And fuck is just not a potent enough word, to be honest with you. It’s not strong. Once you speak another language, you realize, you realize that the English language is just like a newborn, you know. [laughing] It is. It’s a new language. Like, I speak Arabic. Arabic is an ancient language. [sighs] English is like it’s baby. It wants to grow up and be Arabic one day and it’s just… [laughing] It is, it’s just… [cheering and applause] No, it’s fine. It’s just a baby. It’s just a baby. It’s not a It lacks a lot of depth. It’s just not, it’s just not very strong, like “fuck”, it’s nothing. It’s an exclamation point, you know. Even greetings in Arabic takes so long, you know. [soft laughing] Greetings are like, “Peace be upon you.” “And may peace be upon you.” “And the mercy of the divine be upon you.” “And may the mercy of the divine be upon you.” “And may divine light be with you.” “May it be unto you as well.” “May it protect you and your entire linea” “Hey, man, can I get this pack of cigarettes, bro, and get out of here?” [laughing and applause] It’s a lot. It’s a lot. In English, it’s, “Hi.” [laughs] That’s it. It’s over. [laughing] [chuckles] It’s over. [chuckles] “What’s up? The sky?” [mock giggles] That’s it, there’s nothing else. [laughs] It’s nothing. [laughs] So when somebody curses you in English, sincerely, you could probably walk away 99.9% of the time if you didn’t get emotionally charged. Really. It’s an oldie but a goodie. “Hey, fuck you!” “I don’t wanna fuck you.” [laughing] And you could, just walk away. [soft laughing] “Hey, go fuck yourself!” “You know what, man? I’ve been really tense lately.” [laughing] “And maybe what I need to do is go fuck myself.” [laughing] “Hey, you’re a motherfucker.” “Not my mom, but…” [laughing] “My exwife did have child from a previous marriage, so I guess I am a motherfucker.” [soft laughing] “And by the way, your father, biggest motherfucker of them all, technically.” [laughing and a whoop] “Hey, you’re an asshole!” “You know what, the eye cannot see itself.” [laughing] [applause] “And I cannot see when I’m being an asshole, so thank you for making me a better person.” And just walk away. “Hey! You’re a pussy!” “Yeah, I’ll take that.” I don’t know why “pussy” always insinuates weakness. Pussy is metaphorically and physically very strong. [loud cheering] So strong! [cheering and applause] It’s true. Absolutely true. It’s so strong. It can have a baby. Human life. [whoop] Pounds of human flesh can come out of this little, tiny hole. Pop! And it can have two at the same time. Pop! Pop! [laughing] It can have three. Pop, pop, pop. [laughing] And then it regenerates… like this. [laughing] Almost. Exactly how it was. Almost. [laughing] Almost. Exactly how it was. Maybe if you laugh or cough, you piss on yourself, but otherwise… [laughing] Otherwise, it’s there. Ready for you once again. [laughs] [laughing] [laughing] My friend, Chris, passed a kidney stone out of his dick hole. [laughing] He damn near died, okay. [laughing] He was like, “Oh, God, what’s happening to me?” He was like, “Somebody shoot me!” And it was a grain of sand that came out of his dick hole. Women, “Pop! Pop!” Come back. [laughing] Little grain of sand… [groans] [laughing] You be a dick. I’ll be a pussy any day of the week. [loud cheering and applause] [cheering and whistling] Arabic curse words. [soft laughing] They’re really graphic. [laughing] They’re so graphic I don’t even use them. Honestly, I just… We’re gonna start here and build up. [laughing] Like “Kes Emak”, which means… [murmurs] …”Fuck your mother’s pussy!” [laughing] Very specific. [laughing] [Mo huffs] We take that to another level. “Kes Emak Eli Nafadek” which means… [laughing] Which me two people, “Yeah, I know what that means.” [laughing] [chuckles] Everybody else is on their toes, “What does it mean?” [laughing] It mea “Kes Emak Eli Nafadek” which means, “Fuck the pussy you slithered out of!” Wow! [shocked laughing] [Mo laughs] Astaghfirullah I know, it’s crazy. [laughing] [indistinct] Everyone saw the baby fall out. It’s a visual curse word, that one. [laughing] This is one of my personal favorites, “Yela3n Tarekhek”, Which means, which means, “Damn your entire history.” [laughing] “My greatgrandmother?” “No, bitch, from the beginning of time…” [laughing] “…to present day and everything in between and in the future, fuck your DNA.” [laughing] Astaghfirullah, I don’t need this. It’s a lot. Even Western hand gestures. Not that big of a deal. “Uh, fuck you bro, uh.” [laughing] In England it’s a reverse peace sign. Very confusing. [in fake English accent] “Oh, fuck off, oh.” [laughing] And they try to be like, “No, it’s from the war, yeah.” I’m like, “Shut the fuck up, okay. [laughing] “It’s not that cool.” Arabs, we go to another level. We go sideways, we go “BeTizik”, like this. [laughing] BeTizik, like that. BeTizik, like this. A little pop… [laughing and applause] BeTizik, like that. [laughing] Little wiggle. BeTizik, like that. BeTizik, like… [laughs] This means “in your ass.” That’s what this means. [laughing] That’s what… [laughs] [laughing] And if there’s any confusion, you just put the other hand up like this and you go BeTizik, like this. [laughing] And you wiggle it. You wiggle it, all up in the ass, that’s right! [laughing and applause] I feel like a lot of people are gonna be leaving here, like, “Hey, Kyle.” “Yeah.” BeTizik bro! [laughing] [Mo laughs] [laughing] Fuck! [soft laughing] [grunting] [soft laughing] [laughs and soft grunts] [laughing] [in Mexican accent] …bro. [soft laughing] Mexicano’s, bro. I love Mexicano’s. [cheering and applause] Let me say, growing up in Alief, you can’t… [whoop and cheers] we can’t. You can’t… You grew up around Mexicano’s. You do. And they always sound like they’re in pain. [in fake Mexican accent] “Come on, bro, let’s hang out.” [laughing] “You all right?” “Yeah, I’m doing fine, bro.” “Are you sure?” [soft laughing] Love Mexicano’s. They’re resilient people, hard working people. And it’s fucked up they even started a conversation about putting a wall up. Shit, this never worked it human history. And you keep repeating the same bullshit. First of all, it’s Mexicans. Most creative people I know. Huh? It’s like… [cheering and applause] So creative, the Palestinians were taking notes and shit. When El Chapo snuck out of that tunnel with a motorcycle, we’re like, [in Arabic accent] “Hey, Abdallah, come watch, bro.” [laughing] “Hey, he put a motorcycle inside a tunnel, bro?” “We need to do this back home.” Ya Habibi Ya Allah. [laughing] You’re not gonna stop Mexicans, bro. It’s not gonna work. Put up a wall and they’ll just zipline back into the country and shit. They’ll be like, [in Spanish] “Ready, José, I’m ready.” Push me, motherfucker. Come on, go fuck your mother. [cheering and applause] [in English] They’d be like, “Did he make it?” “I don’t know, bro.” [laughing] “I think he missed the trampoline.” [laughing] “Ziplining, this is so tricky.” [laughing] “Timing is everything, bro.” [laughs] [laughing] If I was Mexican living in Mexico, I’d flip the whole script. I would. I’d be like, “You know what, bro?” “We’re building a wall, okay.” [laughing] “We’re building a wall. You can’t come to Cancùn no more, puto. How about that?” [laughing and cheering] How about that? That’s it. You’d have the White girls You’d have White girls crying all across America. [laughing] They’re like, [imitating a girl] “Oh, my God.” “I just wanted to go to Cancùn for Spring Break.” “Why are they so racist? I don’t understand.” [laughing] “Now I have to go to Puerto Vallarta.” [laughing] That’s also in Mexico. [girl voice] “Oh, my God!” [laughing] [soft laughing and applause] Love Mexicano’s. I love doing accents. It’s a lot of fun, you know. When you can do them like, [in fake Mexican accent] “Come on, let’s hang out, it’s” It’s fun. The German’s fun. [in fake German accent] “Ya, ooh, it’s lovely here.” [laughing] I mean, I fuck with them all day. Russians though, I don’t fuck with Russians. [cheers and laughing] I don’t fuck with anybody that talk like this, [in fake Russian accent] “What you say to me?” [laughing] “You fuck me, my family? What you say to me?” [laughing] I’m like, “I’m good, bra. I don’t trust you.” [nervous laugh] [laughing] A Russian guy in an Adidas tracksuit. I’m good. [in fake Russian accent] “What you say to me? You fuck around?” [laughing and applause] “What you say?” “I’m good, bra.” “I’m goo…” I don’t fuck with anybody with a Russian accent and I don’t fuck with anybody with cauliflower ears. [laughing] I don’t fuck with them. And if you talk like this and you have cauliflower MMA ears, I don’t fuck with you either, bro. [laughing] That’s how I knew Khabib Nurmagomedov was gonna be the greatest MMA fighter of all time. [cheers and applause] All time. [applause] [in fake Russian accent] “He talk like this. And he has the ears.” Fuck that, I’m not fucking with you, bro. You’re a real one. And the way he talks is terrifying. [Russian accent] “Oh, you think you’re real? You think you’re from streets?” “I grow up in real mountain.” Like, “What does that mean, bro?” [laughing] “What does that mean?” “What do you mean you grew up there?” “What did you do there?” [laughs] He’ll say wild shit like, “Oh, yeah, you want to fight?” “I’m gonna change his face.” [laughing] “What is he, Potato Head, bro? You can’t do this.” [laughing] You can’t fuck with him. The guy The man wrestled bears as an eightyearold. This is, you can really look this up. He wrestled bears as an eightyearold child. The only people that would do this, is Dagestani’s. Because there’s levels to being Russian. There’s like regular Russian, there’s Chechnyan, and there’s Dagestani’s! It’s a whole another level, where they wrestle bears, apparently. And from childhood. What the fuck are you talking about? His father, God rest his soul, were the greatest coaches of all time. And how did that conversation even happen? Like he walked up to his dad like, [in fake Russian accent] “Daddy.” [laughing] “Daddy, I really want to be great champion.” “Daddy, please, please, train me, Daddy.” Like, “No, son, you’re not ready.” “No, I’m ready. Please, please.” “Train me, Daddy.” “Okay.” “I go get bear. Let’s see.” [laughing] Brought a bear into the house. What did his mom say? “Hey, honey, what you doing with bear?” “I know, I know.” “Relax, bear, relax.” [laughing] “I bring bear. Okay.” [laughs] “I bring bear. Bear gonna wrestle Khabib.” “Khabib one day will be great champion.” “Defeat racist leprechaun in the future.” [laughing] “Save Islam. Alhamdulillah. Come on.” [cheering and whistling] [huffs] Don’t fuck with Russians. Germans, I’ll fuck with them all day. [in fake German accent] “Ooh, ya, it’s wonderful.” [laughing] I did that accent at my first special and a lot of people messaged me like, “Hey, man, you sound like that fat caterpillar from A Bug’s Life.” [laughing] I was like, “No, I don’t.” And then I watched it and I was like, “Ah, shit, I do sound like that fat” It’s like, [German accent] “Ya, look at my wings. I’m a beautiful butterfly.” [laughs] [laughing] [Mo] Whatever. [grunts] [laughing] It’s such a blessing to be together. Listen, let me tell you something. I sincerely, I am mad at what they did to us. I really am. The fear that they created. And the division they created. It’s fucking infuriating. “Who you voting for? Red or blue?” What am I, Bloods or Crips? That’s what I heard. That’s all I heard. All you are gangsters. Okay. Okay, all of you are gangsters. I’m with the people. Always will be with the people. That’s what it is about for me. When the hurricane came through, my neighbor, Scott, redneck Scott, this guy is the best. Okay. He’s always prepared. So I’m never prepared, because I know he’s prepared. [laughing] He’s always like, “Yeah. I got generators. Hell yeah, I got generators.” “Fuck, yeah, Mohammed, I got you, baby.” You know. [laughing] When I came through he hooked me up, bro. I plugged into the side of his house and took that extension cord all the way across that culdesac and plugged my shit in. And that’s what it’s about, bro. They’re trying to separate us, but the fact is Mohammed’s in Texas get along with redneck Scotts all day. [cheers and applause] Fuck what you talking about. Fuck what you talking about. That’s the honest truth. People try to just push this particular agenda and it’s not, I do believe in us. I do. I believe in us and then and then I travel and then I go to an airport and I realize how fragmented we really are. We suck as the human race. We suck. [laughs] We’re all in our own bubbles. Nobody’s paying attention to anybody else. Everybody just You’ll see this in an airport. You’d be walking and all of a sudden the person in front of you just stops and just looks up. “What’s up there?” “I’ll tell you what’s behind you, bitch.” “Thousands of people.” [laughing] “Trying to get where they want to go.” “That’s what the fuck is going on.” “What the hell is wrong with you?” “Get the fuck out of the way, all right.” [soft laughing] If you’re travelling with a carryon with no wheels on it, you’re an asshole, okay. [laughing] You just have them all over your shoulder. You’re a fucking mess. [panting] It’s sliding off. “Oh, sorry.” [panting] Wheels exist. What’s the matter with you? [soft laughing] If you have a carryon with only two wheels, this is what you look like, “Hi.” [giggles] Look how much square footage you’re taking behind you. Why the fuck are you doing this? “Hi.” [giggles] [fake laughs] [laughing] What the fuck are you doing? Four wheels exist, man. This is what you look like in four wheels. Like a smart, intelligent human being. You can go forward. You can go backwards on that whore. You can juke a motherfucker and just keep going. [laughing] You have a baby, you put him on top of it and you keep it cruising. [laughing] Now if you have a four wheel carryon and you only use two wheels, you’re probably the biggest asshole of them all. [laughing] We can’t even read numbers. We get to the boarding gate and they’re like, “Boarding…” “Boarding group one.” [high pitched voice] “I’m in seven, can I go?” [giggles] “Well, what he” “I’m in eight since seven’s going.” “Get the fuck out of the way. What are you doing?” [laughing] Then you get on the plane and here comes the people with no wheels on their bags. [panting] Just clotheslining every other person. [thumping noises] [laughing] They have no clue, they just… [panting] And here comes the assholes with two wheels on their bags. Just dragging it behind them… [laughing] …and they’re getting stuck every other seat. “Sorry, sorry.” [fake laughs] “Sorry.” [fake laughs] Turn it around, whore, and see where you’re going. [laughing and applause] Use your eyes. Maneuver. [sighs] Drives me insane. [laughs] Flight attendants, all due respect… [whoop] Well, I would wait to finish the bit, bro. [laughs] [laughing] It’s not good. You’re not saving anyone, all right. You take your job way too seriously. [laughs] [laughing] Somebody has an issue, you just go, “Is there a doctor here? Because I don’t know what I’m doing. Please, somebody.” [laughing] If you have a little bag and it’s a bulkhead, and you have it on the floor, oh, shit. [loud breathing] “We have to put this bag over here.” They’ll shortcircuit on you. “We have to put this bag up top, okay. Just for take off. And they will give it to you immediately after takeoff, okay.” “Well, then, if you gonna give it to me after takeoff, immediately after takeoff, then why the fuck have I got to move it in the first place?” “Just in case we have an emergency exit situation.” “Wait, we’re gonna exit the plane?” “At like 150 miles an hour?” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “No, no, no, we have to move the bag.” “According to the FAAAAA.” [imitates explosion] [laughing] Shut down. God damn shut down. God, the safety announcements. Oh, my God. “Put on your seatbelt, everybody.” “Because that’s what’s gonna save your life. Okay.” “Yes, a seatbelt from 35,000 feet… [laughing] …to pummel into your imminent death. Okay.” “On a floating rock in space.” “That’s what’s gonna save you, is a seatbelt.” No. They just want your ass in the seat after the plane crashes. They don’t want to have to hire a thirdparty company to look for your bitch ass. [laughing] That’s all it is. They don’t. They just want to get there after the crash, “Adams 3F. There he is, yup.” [laughs] [laughing] “Well, most of him, right.” [laughs] [laughing] It’s all they want. [huffs] Because if they really thought the seatbelt was gonna save your life, they would check every single person as if it’s a roller coaster ride, right. They’d be like, “You’re good. You’re good. You’re good.” “You goo Oh, you almost died, Ralph!” [laughing] “You almost died.” They don’t do that shit. They just walk by. “You’re good. You’re fine. Fine.” [laughing] One flight attendant started to argue with me, “No, Mo, what if we’re having a crash landing and we have real bad turbulence, you could fly up and you could break your neck!” I’m like, “That’s what I want. I want to break my neck.” “I want to be the motherfucker like this while everybody’s screaming for their lives. That’s what I want.” And while everybody’s like, “Oh, my God! Were gonna die!” I’m already dead. I’m good to go. [laughing] Just smacking motherfuckers with no wheels on their bags. [smacking noises] [laughing] That’s what I want. [soft laughing] [huffs] Yes, I remember, if we lose cabin pressure, me first, fuck the baby. [laughing] The little oxygen thing comes down. Me first, fuck the baby. Not my rule. Your rule. [laughing] Flew in from New York to Houston. Okay. I live here, but we flew in from New York to Houston and there’s not a single body of water in sight. But we have to worry about this flotation device, everybody. You put the thing on over and you buckle up the front. And then you pull the string… [swoosh noise] like that. And it will inflate. But if it doesn’t inflate, don’t panic! There’s a straw right here. [laughing] That only, apparently, requires one breath. One magical breath. They make this shit look so easy. Just… [blows] “You’re fine everybody, you’re fine.” Bitch, have you ever tried to inflate anything manually in your whole life? [laughing] I did my nephew’s pool party. I damn near died doing his floaties. [laughing] You’re telling me in the middle of a crash landing, we’ll be like… [screams and blows] [laughing] Dead. [laughing] Don’t worry, there’s a second and third layer of protection, okay. There’s a little flickering light, okay. It’s not even a light. It’s a reflective light the size of a dime, I shit you not. The size of a dime and a whistle. Okay. In the vast, echoy, reflective oceans of the Earth, this is how we’re gonna find your bitch ass… [mock whistle noise] “I’m right here.” [mock laughs] [whistle noise] “I’m right here.” [mock laugh] [whistle noise] “You haven’t found the Malaysia plane.” [laughing] “An entire jumbo jet, bitch.” [cheers and applause] You’re gonna find my bitch ass, just floating around… [whistle noise] “I’m right here.” [whistle noise] “I’m right here.” You just told all the ocean’s predators your exact location. You’re dead. BeTizik is what I’m saying. [grunts] [laughing and applause] [grunting and laughs] [laughs] [laughing] Fuck! [laughing] For the first time, for the first time I ever felt this way in my life. I’m a refugee that came to America, I’m an American citizen, of course, now. But, you know, for the first time everybody that was making fun of Texas in California, right in the middle of the pandemic, “Oh, we need to go to Texas.” Yeah? “You need to come here?” For the first time I felt this way, “Go back to where you came from, son of a bitch.” [laughing] “You’re fucking up our real estate.” [cheers and applause] “Go back home.” That’s how I feel. That’s how… I was like, “I get why they do it. It felt good, a little bit. It felt good.” [soft laughing] I am an ArabAmerican. That’s what I am. Didn’t do it. Yup. [cheering and applause] PalestinianArabAmer This is… [cheering and whistling] Listen. Thank you. All right, let’s start that party. Let’s do it. Here’s the thing. I’m not doing that for applause. I did that just to tell you that’s how you identify yourself. I am an ArabAmerican. That’s how it works here in America. If you’re not White, you have something before American. [laughing] Unless when I’m buying a gun. That’s the only time. When you’re buying a gun in Texas, the first question is, “Are you hispanic?” Super racist. “No.” [laughs] Next, “Are you AfricanAmeric” “No.” [laughs] And then there, has no ArabAmerican. I was like, you know what, fuck it, “I’m White as fuck today.” “Give me that double barrel, 12 gauge shot gun, baby.” [laughing] But all the other times, all the other times, I’m ArabAmerican. You’re not White in America, you have something before American. That’s how it works out. That’s just the way it is. [laughs] Okay. Unless you’re White. You’re just White. Everybody else, something right before American. Even Natives. Natives are natives. Native Americans. We got to identify… [laughing] …the Native Americans. African Americans. Most of my Black friends have never been to Africa. Nonetheless, they’re African Americans anyway. MexicanAmericans, AsianAmericans, and so forth and so on. Unless you’re White. If you’re White, you just sprouted from the corn fields of Ohio. [laughing] And you just spread across this great land. Unless it’s Saint Paddy’s day, then you’re like, “Oh, shit, my greatgranddaddy was a quarter Irish.” [laughing and applause] [huffs] That’s what I am though, an ArabAmerican. And I got to say, as an ArabAmerican, I find it really fascinating to see our culture spreading throughout the West. Really fascinating. It is. [cheering and applause] It’s pretty damn cool. Like, if you don’t know what a hookah is, you’re like culturally ignorant. And if you don’t know what a hookah is… “You don’t know what a hookah is, Denise? Where have you been?” [giggles] “It’s like this bong, but it’s not. It’s like so ornate and it has all these different tobaccos flavors. And then there’s this pipe that comes out. And you just prrr.” “Blow it out, it’s so We can get two pipes and we can brrr together, Denise. Oh, my God.” [laughs] And then White people saw this, which is amazing. You got to give it up. They distilled it into a battery and put a cartridge on top of it with some mysterious liquid that nobody’s questioning. [laughing] Everybody just walk around like… [snorts] [growly exhale] [laughing] “It’s perfectly healthy.” “Bro, I’ve never seen that much smoke come out of a hookah.” [laughing] “Much less this little device.” “You’re changing weather climates on a regular basis.” “What the fuck is going on?” “No, it’s healthy.” [mock laughs] [snorts and growly exhale] “It can’t be, bro. It’s a metal with some battery hooked up to some metal. I’m sure you’re fucked.” “Please stop doing this.” [laughing] That’s the first public service announcement. [soft laughing] The second public service announcement, something that Redd Foxx actually tried to spread in America in the early 70’s. And I would say that most Muslims living in the West are all wondering why… nobody wash their ass. I’m just gonna say it. [laughs] [laughing] [cheers and applause] It’s really weird. Please wash your ass. [laughs] It’s really weird that bidets are like not the norm, you know what I mean? Why is toilet paper the first and only option? It’s like, that’s it. It’s like leaves, toilet paper, baby wipes, and water. Why? Why would you do this? It’s obvio Everybody’s eating ass. Nobody’s washing their ass. It’s crazy. [loud laughing] It’s crazy. If you got shit on you, you’re like, “Oh, my God, I got shit.” You would wash it off right away. You’re like, “Oh, I’m okay now.” “I got the shit off of me.” But when you go, you’re like, “I’m fine.” And you just walk… [laughing] [huffs] My cousin came to visit me from back home. And he was like, “Hey, I want to try fivestar hotel.” I’m like, “Bro, of course. Enjoy yourself.” And he does it. And I said, “Hey, man, I’ll pick you up at noon at the mall. Next day.” He was like, “Okay.” And I picked him up the next day and I see him, he had this really upset look on his face. I’m like, “What’s going on, bro?” He was like this. I’m like, “What’s going on, bro?” He was like, “Allah Yoqrifhem”. “Allah Yoqrifhem”. I was like, “Bro, you can’t be yelling Allah in the middle of the Galleria Mall like this.” [laughing] “What are you doing?” “Relax.” “What’s the problem?” He goes, “They don’t have a bidet.” “They don’t have a bidet. Five star hotel!” “Not one star, two star, three star, four star, five star hotel! No bidet.” “Every time I go to the bathroom, I have to take a shower.” [laughing] “I’ve taken five showers today, Mo.” [laughing] “I’m more worried about your digestional tract, bro.” [laughing] “Five shits before noon. What are you doing?” [laughing] “Stop eating at IHOP, okay.” [laughing] My friend Nick came over. I upgraded all my toilets after my first Netflix special. Those Japanese toilets. And my friend Nick walks into the bathroom. He walks right back out. He’s like, “Hey, Mo, why does, uh, your toilet have a remote?” [laughing] I was like, “Oh, because it has a builtin bidet and blow dryer.” He was like, “What’s a bidet?” I was like, “You don’t know what a bidet is?” He was like, “No.” I was like, “Oh, my God, I failed you.” [laughing] I was like… I was like, “A bidet is once you go booboo, it sprays water up your around your ass and washes your ass.” His response to me was, “Ew.” I was like, “Ew?” I’m like, “Nick, you’re the ‘ew’ in this equation, bro.” Get in there and wash your ass. [laughing and applause] [cheering and applause] He was in there for like 20 minutes, man. He came out like he was baptized. He was like… He was like… [singsong] Ahahah! [laughing and applause] He had a stride in his step. A new confidence I’ve never seen before. [laughing] Second public service announcement. The third one starts off with a question. Imagine it’s World War II era. Okay. Very important. Imagine it’s World War II era in America. And I’m walking around the States like, “Hey, would you like to try some of this sushi?” They’d be like, “Oh, what’s sushi?” You’d be like, “Sushi is a Japanese dish.” They’d be like, “Japanese!” “Get this damn Japfood out of my face!” [soft laughing] Probably what they would say. [soft laughing] Now imagine it’s September 12th, 2001, and I’m walking around the States like, “Hey, would you like to try some of this hummus?” They’d be like, “Oh, what’s hummus?” I’m like, “Oh, hummus is a very Arab dish.” They’d be like, “Arab!” [bash noise] “Get this damn sandniggaalQaidafood out of my face!” [laughing] It’s probably what they would say. [soft laughing] Here’s a very important clarification, the way you say it is “hummus”. It’s an “h”. It’s a “ha”. Okay. Jews, it’s not [Jewish accent] hummus. Okay. [Jewish accent] It’s not hummus. It’s not hummus. “Ghe” is a different letter in our alphabet. Okay. In our lang “Ghe” is a completely different letter. You don’t have the “ghe” in your language. So obviously it’s not yours. Back the fuck up. It’s our hummus. [cheering and applause] Back up. It’s what it is. All right. And now hummus is everywhere. “Oh, I want some hummus.” Hummus, some shitty hummus everywhere. Fucking coffee shops have hummus. Seven Elevens have hummus. Every gas station, hummus, hummus, hummus. I was on a flight and the flight attendant comes up, “Would you like to have a little light snack?” I looked at it. I was like, “What the fuck is this?” She’s like, “This is hummus.” I was like, “No, it’s not.” This is a little juice box situation. You rip off a little corner and you get a little potato chip like this. And you squeeze it out. Just metaphorically shitting on my entire lineage. “Fuck your history.” That’s how it feels. [laughing and applause] That’s how it feels. “Fuck your grandmother with every shit of hummus that comes out of this thing. Ugh.” It’s not hummus. [soft laughing] I went to Trader Joe’s and they have those samples like, “Hey, would you like to try a some of this chocolate hummus? I was like, “What the fuck? It’s chocolate hummus.” [laughing] And then I just fainted like building seven. I just fainted. [soft laughing] We got to talk about it at some point. [laughing] Went to this South African fine dining South African restaurant when we were filming the movie in Atlanta. And the waiter comes over and he’s like, “Say, bra, we have some red bean hummus here.” I was like, “What the fuck did you just say?” He goes, “We have some red bean hummus here.” I was like, “Bro, are there chickpeas in this?” He goes, “Nah, bra, it’s red bean hummus.” I was like, “Bitch, hummus means chickpeas!” [laughing] This is refried beans, dog. [laughing and applause] Frijoles refritos homie. “You’re pawning off Mexican food now?” “As hummus? Get this shit out of my face!” Hummus is very simple. It’s four ingredients, sometimes five. That’s all it is. You get your chickpeas, tahini paste, lemon juice, salt, sometimes garlic. Okay. You get your food processor out. It’s like a little science experiment. Put it all in there, you’re like… [blending noise] “No, no, no. More tahini paste.” [blending noise] “No, no, no. More lemon juice.” [blending noise] You’re like, “Fuck, it’s all lemon juice.” More chickpeas. More tahini paste. “Fuck, it’s all tahini paste again.” “More lemon juice.” [blending noise] Like, “Fuck, it’s all lemon juice. Needs salt.” “Chickpeas and tahini paste.” [blending noise] You’re like, “Fuck, more tahini paste.” You’re like, “Oh, that’s perfect.” [cheering and applause] Now you have 20 pounds of hummus right here. [laughing] [huffs] [laughing] This is very important. You scoop out the hummus and you put it in a bowl. Okay. You put the hummus in a bowl! You don’t put it on a flat plate. Nobody know how to dip on a flat plate, bro. You got like race track marks everywhere. [laughing] You got hummus coming over the sides. Complete chaos. You need a bowl to help you with the scoop situation. Okay. Now we’re not done yet. You got that bowl of hummus and you make a little crater right in the middle. Grab some fresh chickpeas, you put it right in the middle for texture. Okay. And then you grab some olive oil. Not that clear yellow shit. Some deep green olive oil. “Oh, what do I do with that?” “Do I just drizzle, a little drizzle of garnish?” “No, whore. You turn it over… [laughing] …and you hold it. Okay.” “One Mississippi, two, three, four.” “If you think it’s too much, it’s not enough. Keep it going.” [laughing] Okay. I like to finish it off with a little lemon juice. And some diced up jalapenos. And I put them on each corner like that. Now if I serve you this extremely authentic Palestinian hummus and you grab a carrot, I’m gonna fuck you up, okay. [laughing] “I just want to try it and I’m watching my carbs.” “It’s not for you, ho. Back the fuck up!” [laughing] You need some fresh hot, fresh hot steamy pita bread. You rip off a little corner like this. And you put it together. And it just binds because it’s so steamy. You make a perfect cone and when you dip, you dip like this… You dip towards yourself. You don’t dip out! You’re like, “Oh, I wanna taste like what it’s like on that side.” “Bitch, it’s the same hummus on each side. Okay.” [laughing and applause] “Nobody wants your stinky ass fingers in their hummus, all right.” “Oh, but I wanna taste what’s on that side.” “You know what, I’m gonna put a wall right in the middle of the hummus.” [cheering and applause] “Put a wall right here.” All right. That side is hummus. This side is hummus. I was looking for a onebowl solution, but you won’t share, so BeTizik is what I’m saying. [cheering and applause] Thank you so much, Houston. I love you. Thank you so much. [cheering and applause] [Mo] Man, I love you all. Take a seat, take a seat. What a beautiful thing. What a beautiful gathering. I take all of this very, very seriously. I’m gonna tell you why it’s all so important to me. It took me 20 years to get my citizenship. It’s talked about in my first special. I am Palestinian and it was the first time I was able to actually go back to Palestine. [whoops and cheers] Because you’re not allowed, you’re not allowed to go back, even though my mother’s born there, my greatgrandmother’s born there, my grandmother, my greatgrandmother… We have a thousand years of history there. Still cannot go there until you get your US passport. And it’s still an obstacle when you get there, you know. When you first get there, like, “Where you from?” “Bitch, where are you from?” [laughing] And she said, “Uzbekistan.” It’s tough. It’s a difficult thing. You always think about going home. Your mom talks about it. You see my family back home. And you want to go see it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m saying “back home”, this is my home too. This is my house. My father is buried here. [cheers and applause] You understand? [applause] [Mo sighs] So we went, for the first time I went to Burin, a little village short of Nablus, where my family is from. It was beautiful. I got to see my aunts. Amazing, cooking up feasts. This didn’t get here by no accident. [laughs] Some home cooking. You know. Sitting there with my aunts and I’m looking out over the landscape, thinking about my ancestors, thinking about my father, thinking about my history. I’m like, “Wow, I need to go to my grandparent’s house, who are no longer with us.” I was like, “I have to go to my grandparent’s house.” “I have to see where my mother was born.” “I have to see this, please take me over there.” So they take me over there. And I just sit and of course I had tears of joy and happiness. So much going on and we go to the rooftop. I’m like looking around. I’m like breathing in the air soaking it all up. I’m like, “Ah.” And I see these walls. These walls everywhere and it’s sad, but, you know. It is very sad and hopefully we can get past this at some fucking point. But I’m looking out into the village. I’m focused on the village. And I see this mosque in the middle of the village. And I look at my cousin, I was like, “How long has that mosque been there?” He’s like, “Hundreds of years. Like it’s been there for a hot minute, bro.” I was like, “I have to go pray there.” “I have to go pray there. I’m sure my father prayed there, my grandfather, my greatgrandfather. I have to go pray there.” He was like, “Let’s go.” So we go. And I prayed there. I was meditating. I was like, “Wow, what a beautiful thing, experiencing this. This is amazing.” And then these, like, five other guys were like, looked up at the clock and they were like, “Hey, man, it’s time for our Maghrib prayers.” I’m like, “What?” He was like, “Yeah, go do the call for prayer right now.” I’m like, “Bro, I’m not gonna do the call for prayer. I just got here, bro.” [laughing] They were like, “But you have the beard.” I’m like, “Not you too, bro.” “I’m just fat. I don’t want everybody to see the chin. You know what I’m saying?” Then he’s like, “No, you have to do the call for prayer.” “The time is now and you have to do the call for prayer.” I’m like, “Bra, I’m not gonna do the call for prayer.” And they’re like, “You have to do the call for prayer.” And they’re like, “You don’t know the call for prayer?” I was like, “Yeah, of course I know the call for prayer.” “But I had to go and speak into that microphone, a little tiny little microphone.” “For the whole village, bro?” “I performed in front of thousands of people, but this is a lot of stress, bro. Scared to make mistakes.” “There are religious implications to this situation.” And they’re like, “No, you have to do it.” I was like, “Okay, I’ll do it!” And I walk up and I was like, “Cousin, be next to me because I’m nervous. Make sure I don’t mess up.” [sighs] So I do the call for prayer. Throughout the whole entire village. And I’m overcome. I was like, “Oh, my God, this is amazing.” “What is this thing that’s been written for me?” “I can’t believe this happened.” Right as I’m thinking this a man just crashes right into the mosque. [crash noise] “Who did the call for prayer?” Like this. And everybody sells me out. “This guy. This guy did the call for prayer.” [laughing] “This guy did the call for prayer.” I was like, “Forget you all, man. You forced me to do the call for prayer!” He’s like, “Why did you do it?” I was like, “I just told you they forced me to do the call for prayer.” He goes, “Well, you just did it ten minutes early, bro.” “You did it ten minutes early.” I was like, “That clock is flashing, man. It’s saying it’s time.” He goes, “That clock is ten minutes ahead.” I was like, “I didn’t know that. That’s a digital clock. Push the little buttons and it will fix the whole thing. Okay.” [laughing] “You want me to do it?” And he goes, “Wait, wait, wait, wait.” “I’ve been in the village my entire life.” “I know everyone in the village.” “Who are you? I’ve never seen you before.” “Who was your father?” I tell him who my father is. He goes, “Oh, my God.” He goes, “Oh, my God.” “Your father is Mustafa?” I was like, “Yes, my father is Mustafa.” He goes, “You know who installed the sound system in this mosque?” “Your father did.” [applause] It was truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my life. And I had to tell you this story. Because just because I’m Palestinian and I’m forced to live where I am, it’s not what it is. Houston is the city that raised me. And now Netflix is the label that pays me. [loud cheering] I love y’all. Thank you so much, Houston, I love you guys. [cheering and applause] [cheering] [quirky flute music playing] On September 16, 2021, Mohammed Mo Amer would be recognized for his work which continues to inspire, encourage, and of course make people laugh, while providing particularly unique and valuable encouragement to Arab-Americans and other artists from underrepresented minority communities. Therefore I Therefore I, Sylvester Turner, major of the city of Houston, hereby proudly proclaim this day, September 16th, 2021, as Mohammed Mo Amer day in the city of Houston. [cheering]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Drew Michael: Red Blue Green (2021) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-red-blue-green-transcript/

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC ENDS) DREW MICHAEL: It’s nice to see you people. I have a hard time with people, so here we go. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Well, it’s always been hard for me to connect with people throughout my whole life, and I think there’s, you know, a lot of reasons for that. Um, I have a hearing loss that I’ve had since I was a kid. When I was three years old… I failed a hearing test. I took a hearing test and the doctor said, “You failed the hearing test.” Well, I didn’t know what he said, but… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …he said something, and my parents got upset, so I assumed I didn’t nail it, and… So he told my parents, he said, “This kid needs hearing aids.” And so instead of doing that, they didn’t. So we just… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …coasted until I was 21. I didn’t wear them till I was 21. I wore them for like a week when I was in fifth grade, but then this girl I had a crush on asked about them. She’s like, “What’s in your ear?” I was like, “Well, that’s the end of that forever.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “So I’ll figure… I’ll figure it out.” It instilled this kinda sense of shame in me. You know, I took it as something was wrong with me. I put it on myself. I go, “I must be fucked up.” And then I’m like, “No, my doctor fucked up.” And then my friends were like, “No, dude, your parents, your parents fucked up.” And it’s like, “Oh, cool, well, add it to their tab.” Like, I don’t know… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) They got a long tab running, you know. Also, they got divorced when I was 12, which is, like, the most “fuck you” age you could possibly… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, you guys weren’t, like, killing it when I was five. You couldn’t have done it then? You had to wait until I was 12? They did do the thing where they… This is a common thing I think parents do when they get divorced, they tell their kids… They told me, “It’s not your fault. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.” It’s like, “Yeah, first of all, I wasn’t thinking that. Uh… I don’t know why you thought I thought it was on me. Have you seen you guys? Mom is cripplingly insecure, and Dad’s addicted to prostitutes. On what fucking world is this on me?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I didn’t have a good blueprint… for what a relationship should look like, so, you know, I’ve struggled accordingly. I’ve had issues in relationships. There’s other reasons for that, too. Like it can’t be a good thing… (CHUCKLES) It can’t be a good thing that the first… 2,000… sexual experiences of my life… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …were with a Dell computer. Like that can’t be… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It can’t be helping. It can’t be pushing me in the right direction on this pursuit of love and happiness that I’m on. Two thousand. That’s the number, by the way. I didn’t, like, write down a funny number for you. I counted. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s literally 2,000, age 12 to 19 was exclusively that every single day. I bought a computer for my family with my bar mitzvah money, and then I fucked it for seven years straight. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) That’s how I began. That is the origin story to my sexual identity, just downloading sexist shit into my head. Then waltzing out into the world like, “Oh, yeah, I totally respect people.” How? How is that even possible? It’s so corrosive. That shit will rot your brain. And it’s certainly, for a young boy, like, it’s insane. Even now, it’s like… We like to pretend like it’s fine, but that’s only because we don’t have to acknowledge what it is that we’re doing. It’s like this virtual, wordless escapade. You never have to be accountable for what it is you’re doing. I think before… you’re allowed to click on a video… you should have to say the title out loud. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How badly do you want this? I feel like most people are like, “I’m just gonna call my mom and reconnect… the person I need to be.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) And it’s bled in. Yeah, my relationship dynamics have always been somewhat turbulent. A lot of back and forth, break up, get back together kind of things. A lot of things that start really quickly. It’s like immediate intensity, you know? Because usually I feel like shit about myself and they feel like shit about themselves, and we come together and we’re like, “Well, we have each other. And we can do all this stuff! We can do all this stuff together now that we’re both here. We can rub each other’s heads. We can take naps together. We can, like, slow dance in the kitchen while we’re waiting for our cookies to finish baking.” How specific do you want me to get? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) But then when I have all that stuff, I’m able to see, I’m like, “Oh, this is a very codependent relationship, this isn’t healthy. This isn’t the kind of thing I wanna be in long term. You’re not the person that’s right for me.” So I’ll be like, “Maybe we should break up.” But then they leave, they take all the stuff! I’m like, “I wanna break up with you, but you should love me still. Like, you should still give me all the things, just don’t ask me for anything.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, “I need you. Like, this is all built off of the back of you. Like, your love for me gave me the confidence to even feel like I could break up with you.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I never would’ve broken up with you if I was by myself.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But it’s a self-esteem thing. I don’t feel… I don’t feel, like, good enough for the person that I… that would be right for me, you know? So, what if… I play this in my head. What it feels like I need to do is I need to find a girlfriend, uh, in order to be confident enough to be the type of person that I would need to be in order to attract the girl that I actually want to be with. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) On my own, I’m nothing, but in a relationship, I’m kind of a catch. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) I feel like this is a common phenomenon, that love at first sight, that idea, it gets propagated. We all know what you mean by it, “love at first sight.” And it’s something that’s a really enchanting idea, you know? ‘Cause you’re like, you know, one minute you’re alone, the next minute you’ve found the one. It’s like, “What a… What a day.” (CHUCKLES) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) What a day that would be. And so it’s so enticing, but I’ve seen… I’ve gone that route so many times, I know what’s on the back end of it, so it’s hard for me not to be cynical about it. Now when I hear people like, “We knew right away…” Did you? ‘Cause now anytime I hear someone say about their own relationship, “We knew right away,” all I hear is, “We were both abandoned as children.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You knew right away? Your threshold for loving a person is you saw them once? That seems like a low bar to clear. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I feel like maybe you can’t handle the anxiety of uncertainty, so you went from zero to 100 right away to skip over that prospect of rejection and the risk that they might not be who you imagine them to be. Am I close? Am I fucking close? -Like, I feel like that… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …is a more accurate characterization of what we’re talking about. If you’re drawn to somebody that quickly, that strongly, that intensely, that immediately, that’s not love. You probably have unresolved trauma. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) And the other person probably represents an embodiment of the trigger of that trauma, so you’re drawn to them in this misguided attempt to retroactively fix a fucked-up period in your past. That’s not love! Don’t call that love. Don’t rebrand that as love and make the rest of us feel bad. Don’t be out in the world like, “It was love at first sight.” Say something honest like, “It was ‘I felt the way I did when my dad left’ at first sight.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’ll believe that. I’ll believe that, yeah. “My husband’s face looks just like the back of my father’s head, so I chased it…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…to now.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You should not be chasing. Don’t chase. Love should not be chased. (GASPS) You shouldn’t have that, like, “Are we gonna make it?” (CHUCKLES) No! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) If you’re wondering, no. You should not be chasing. Like in movies, like, to propagate this idea, “chase them,” and that rom-com fantasy of chasing someone to an airport. Chase a therapist to an airport. Like, don’t… Like, “Don’t leave, we have so much work to do!” Like, that’s… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLES) No, ’cause movies have to show you… They can’t show you what love actually is. We don’t wanna see it. Love isn’t entertaining. They have to show some dramatic, conflicted version of love. They don’t… We don’t wanna see love, actual love. It’s beautiful. I’m not shitting on the sentiment. It’s an amazing thing between the two people. It’s not fun to watch. Think about a couple you know, maybe you are that couple, who are truly in love, in love, like, together, good, healthy. We don’t wanna watch that. Like, if you wanna… If you… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) If you watched a movie about a couple in love, you would just be on your couch watching a couple on their couch, watching a better movie. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) You’re like, “Why… What are they watching? I’ll just watch that. Why don’t we cut out… cut out the middleman? I don’t need…” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, my God. That’s not what they show you. ‘Cause we don’t wanna see… We don’t wanna see healthy, good love. We wanna see, like, a manifestation of, like, our own internal dramas played out… for entertainment value. The problem is there are people out there, like when I was a kid, who are like empty canvases, who internalized that. And so it starts to skew their view of what love could be. Like, people who don’t have a healthy blueprint are gonna absorb that and take that in. You know, I was 12 years old when the movie Titanic came out, and that was, like, iconic love story. Like, here it is, epic love, cruelly interrupted by fate. And I look at that movie now, I’m like, “Wait, what were we rooting for here? What did we want to happen? For them to get to New York? They weren’t gonna make it as a couple.” What did we think? They’re 20 years old, they’ve known each other two days. I don’t know everything about relationships, but like, hey, maybe don’t marry the artist you fucked on a cruise. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Maybe that’s not the move. Five minutes after you tried to kill yourself. Do you remember that’s how they met? She was trying to kill herself by jumping off the boat, and he was like, “Hey, I’m pretty hot. What if you didn’t do that?” And so… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That’s how they started. They knew right away. Like, that’s the thing, is like, what happens? How is that gonna play out? Even if they get to New York, what? -They have nothing in common. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You know what I mean? Like, all they have is the excitement that they made it. That lasts, what? Six months, a year… two years, maybe? What happens five, ten years down the road? Just sittin’ there. He’s like, “So… you want me to draw you?” She’s like, “Fuck you!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I was engaged to a billionaire. I had to sell that necklace to pay the heating bill. You haven’t sold a sketch in years, Jack. How’s that art gallery going, Jack?” He’s like, “Oh, come on. Remember when we danced -with the common folk?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Terrible. It would’ve been terrible. People are like, “Oh, it’s so sad what happened. If they didn’t hit the iceberg…” Fuck that! The iceberg is the hero of that movie. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It might’ve killed Jack, but it saved the rest of Rose’s life. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I like movies, I do. I do. I don’t like movie culture, though, like Hollywood… like the culture surrounding it. And every time I get roped into watching an award show, I’m always reminded, like, who the fuck makes these things. It’s like, “Oh, my God.” You ever watch an award show? It’s like this shouldn’t be on television. This should be, like… like, in an underground cave at Bohemian Grove. Like, why is this in front of the public? ‘Cause they try to act like they’re down-to-earth. Every time an actor wins an award, they always give some… It’s not some, like, normal speech, it’s like a lofty, sociopolitical response to the moment. It’s like, “We need to find a way. There’s a lot of problems in the world. We need to find a way to come together and not let it divide us.” Like Meryl Streep, “We need to come together.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Find unity and strength, and break down the barriers that keep us apart. -And find strength and unity.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Come together as a globe, as a nation, as a people.” I’m always like, “Yeah, uh, you’re wearing a diamond dress from Givenchy.” Like, on what fucking planet are you part of “the people”? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, what do you think? Like, if there was a true people’s revolution, like a people’s uprising, it’s gonna be your blood -splattered on the sidewalk. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) They’re not gonna spare you ’cause they liked Devil Wears Prada. They’re gonna rip your fucking head off, stick it on a stake, and sell that diamond dress to a cartel for machine guns. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) They’re not gonna be like, “Oh, get in the bunker. We love the nuance of your artistic choices. It was so brave of you, how you dared, oh, how you dared to be a middle-class character.” Like, “Oh, how you pretended to be a thing people are their entire lives. How did you do it? How did you prepare for the role?” And they’re always like, “Oh, I lived amongst plumbers -for eight months.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I lived how they lived. I ate how they ate.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, that’s it, you can’t. You can’t preach togetherness and unity when you’re that rich. You just can’t do it. You’re rich. You’re super rich. That’s why you got rich, is to get the fuck away from everybody. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That’s what money is. Money is just an escape from people. That’s why we want it. Everything money does for you. Doesn’t even have to be a lot of money. You’d be like, “Ooh, I can afford an Uber.” What’s an Uber? That is a bus for one person. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) It’s like, “Yeah, I like the bus. I just wish there were no people on it and it only went where I want it to go.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Yeah, you can do that. You gotta pay for it. You wanna join a gym, there’s different kinds of gyms, right? There’s a whole spectrum of gym options. There’s a ten-dollar-a-month gym on one end. Two-hundred-dollar-a-month gym on the other end. What’s the difference? Two-hundred-dollar-a-month gym, it’s nicer. It’s not 20 times nicer. It’s not like the ten-dollar-a-month gym, the walls are falling off, and you pick up the ten-pound weight and it’s 100 pounds. You’re like, “Oh, fuck this gym! The dumbbells are Gatorade bottles filled with rocks, this gym sucks.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) No, there’s still equipment there. The 200-dollar-a-month gym, you pay 200 dollars a month so you don’t have to look at people who can only afford ten dollars a month. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That’s what you’re paying for. You wanna be able to do a pull-up without being reminded of the dark underbelly of capitalism. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s a 190-dollar surcharge to not have to make eye contact with the consolation prize in this fucked-up game we’re all playing here. That’s what you’re paying for. That’s the premium. Everything money does for you just pushes you further and further away from everybody else. You wanna fly, you buy a plane ticket. First-class ticket, way more expensive. Why? There’s less people up there. They won’t tell you that. They’ll be like, “No, you get more space.” It’s like, yeah, motherfucker, space is just the absence of people. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s not a new entity. Space is a euphemism for not anybody. “No, you get all this legroom.” Yeah, ’cause they’re no people in the way of where my legs are trying to go. We could all have legroom back here if we weren’t all back here. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Now, could you imagine if two people in economy class were, like, fighting over the armrest, and some asshole from first class came back and was like, “Hey! We need to all work together. We need to find unity and strength as a flight. We’re all flight 348, after all.” Then they swoosh the curtain and go back to their apartment in the sky. How quickly before the back rows start bundling their plastic silverware together to storm the front? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like, “No, no, we’re not trying to hijack the plane, we’re just trying to kill rows one through five. Take their hot towels and orange juice and spread it around.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That’s the fantasy. Everyone fantasizes about what they would do when they get rich. You wanna get away from everybody. Nobody fantasizes about togetherness. Nobody’s like, “Oh, dude, if I got rich… (CHUCKLES) I would get so many roommates.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh, it’d be sick, we’d have like a dishes schedule.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, the fantasy is, “I’m gonna build a moat around my house. People aren’t gonna be able to ring my doorbell without swimming across a crocodile-laden river.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Fuck everybody. And I got nothing against rich people. You just can’t have it both ways. You can’t bridge class with a speech. You can’t have it all and then have this, like, faux empathy. Like, “Aww… it’s so sad, people don’t have any money.” It’s like, “Well, you seem to have it.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Try giving it away. You don’t have to have it.” And these phony causes, every Thanksgiving, one of them comes out with, like, “It’s so terrible what happened to the Native Americans.” It’s like, “Fucking, I don’t know, give ’em the land back.” (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) “No.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “We can’t do that. Where would we put the offices of DoorDash?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) I swear to God, these fucking… Like North America could be, like, falling into the ocean. We could all be killing each other over grain seeds and fresh water. These people would be like on Mars, -tweeting, “Stop the violence.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Love is stronger than hate.” And changing their profile picture to a blue circle to show they still care about Earth. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Going on Jimmy Fallon to promote it, like, “Yeah, we’re changing our profile pictures to blue circles to raise Earth awareness.” Jimmy’s just like, “Oh, my God, it’s genius. Such a good idea.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh, my God, how’d you think of it? It’s so important. You’re doing such important work.” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh, my God, it’s…” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Jimmy Fallon. I’m sorry, is there a more Guy Smiley, useless, puppet fuck of a person… (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) …than Jimmy Fallon? Professional napkin. Like how the fuck? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) (GIGGLES SARCASTICALLY) Dude, I used to think Leno said nothing. Fallon makes Leno look like Malcolm X. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like, “Oh, yeah.” (BABBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY) I’ll never get asked to do the show, but… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) I… I would wanna do it just one time, just to be like, “Hey, Jimmy, what do you not like?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “What… Is there anything… Do you have a hard stance on fucking anything?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) He’d be like, “Oh, my God, it’s such a cool take.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (GIGGLES) “I don’t know, I… I just kinda float around. I have no discretion, yet I’m hugely influential. Culture’s a joke.” (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Every time I speak, I mean less to myself. I’m murdering my identity up here.” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) “It’s genius.” (LAUGHS) Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Like you could literally… You could put a gun in his mouth and… (MIMICS GUNSHOT) …blow his head off and he’d be like, “Oh, my God, my brains are on the wall! It’s so cool!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “How’d you do that?” He’s a horror movie villain. You can’t kill him. His weapon is just effusive nothingness. He just keeps coming. (SCREECHES) “Come back! Don’t you wanna play truth or dare with Ariana Grande?” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING, APPLAUDING) Nice. (SIGHS) Look, I just think if entertainment is gonna be this ubiquitous, it can’t be this devoid of humanity. It just can’t. It… You know, ’cause I grew up, entertainment was important to me. And so, you know, I looked to it for something, and to be that devoid of substance, it feels… insulting. The problem with entertainment is that it’s all made… by the same type of person. It’s made by entertainers. Right? So it’s like… Entertainers are psychotic. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, just statistically. So, look at this room right now. Almost everybody in the room is sitting nicely, looking at this, and only one person is like, “Heh, heh, my thoughts.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “My thoughts.” And after this is over, you’ll go home to your respectable lives. And I’ll try to find another place to do, “My thoughts.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Soon I’ll be full.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) So you have to consider the source, right? I think about that with all media. Social media, for example, like, you know… You look at like Twitter or something like that, it’s like… Like Twitter… Who’s on Twitter? It’s just… It’s only people who think it’s like a good idea -to be on Twitter. Like… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s not everybody. It pretends to be everybody, like, “Ooh, everyone’s mad.” You look at the trending topics, “Ooh, what’s everyone talking about?” It’s not. Most people aren’t on it. Eighty percent of the public doesn’t use it. Ninety percent, I think, doesn’t use it regularly. So, like, what’s trending? Like… Most people aren’t there, so what’s really trending is shutting the fuck up. Like, most people… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Most people are doing that, but you can’t register that. You can’t show somebody not tweeting. Like you can’t… They should show how much we don’t tweet also. They should show like a tweet, and then you scroll through blank space for like seven hours. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And then you come across another tweet. You’d be like, “This is a barren wasteland for lunatics.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Everyone on Twitter is somebody on Twitter. There’s an inherent insanity in the medium. Right? It’s the same reason I can’t trust Yelp. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Every time I look at Yelp, I read a Yelp review, I’m like, “Yeah, but this person wrote a Yelp review.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Why am I listening to a person who logged in to write three paragraphs on broccoli rabe?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Everyone on Yelp is someone on Yel… Every Yelp review starts with someone going, “I’m gonna write a Yelp review.” Like, fuck whoever that person is. But that’s everyone on Yelp. Everyone on Yelp is someone who uses Yelp. Everyone on Twitter is someone who uses Twitter. I want a social media site where the only way to use it is to not. Like, I don’t wanna hear the thoughts that you want me to think that you think. I wanna hear what you think. I wanna hear what you don’t even let yourself think you think. You know those thoughts? You ever have like a fucking crazy thought that bubbles up, and you push it away, you’re like, “Didn’t think it! Didn’t think it. Still a good person. Didn’t… ‘Cause I didn’t think it all the way. I didn’t finish the thought that I clearly started, so somehow that’s not me.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I want those. I want you to cut open your heart and dump it into my brain. Intimacy is what I’m looking for. Which is not… I shouldn’t go to social media for intimacy, you can’t get it. You ever see someone try to be intimate on social media? -It’s fucking terrible. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It doesn’t work. It never works, ’cause it doesn’t have the language for intimacy. ‘Cause intimacy is amorphous. It doesn’t come with a character limit, or a soundtrack, or filter, it’s just… (GRUNTS) The language of social media, is like, snark and division and attacks and clapbacks and, “Oh, that? Oh, clearly you don’t even know about this.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That rises. That gets a lot of attention. But we’re all, like, fucked up, right? It’s like very confusing, and there’s a big market right now for certainty. Anyone who has an answer, even if it’s the wrong one, is in demand. That’s why you get this whole rash of people who garner these followings, ’cause they’re giving people a narrative. All these like, you know, podcast hosts, demagogue type, usually a white dude who’s like, “Hey, the media and the government are all lying to you, but you know who’s not?” (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) “Me!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Me, the guy trying to sell you CBD oil and sex toys every 30 minutes. I’m your beacon of truth. Wear me, listen to me.” This is collective narcissism. It’s changed the way we think, like the way we process our own language, like how we sound. I remember in the ’16 election, they were talking about the Rock maybe running for president, and I said that to a friend, I was like, “Yo, I heard the Rock might run for president.” My buddy was like, “Is the Rock a Democrat?” And I was like, “Dude, listen to the sentence…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…that you just said. Is the Rock a Democrat? I don’t know. He’s a fake wrestling character. I don’t know where he stands on healthcare.” Is the Rock a Democrat? I don’t know. Did the Yellow Power Ranger support the war in Iraq? What the fuck are we talking about? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Where does Mickey Mouse stand on abortion? I don’t know. Is he a “second trimester or before” kind of mouse, or more like a hardline… (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) “Life begins at conception, folks.” Like, I don’t know what Mickey thinks. Does Mickey think, or does he just do whatever the artist makes him do? Is there a consciousness in Mickey? Do any of us think, or are we just being guided by an unseen hand? Is thinking part of the illusion? Is Descartes a fraud? This is why I had to get off of Twitter. I existentially spiral. I lose who I am. I did, I deleted my Twitter a year ago. I still have Instagram because I’m stupid. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Instagram is… It’s like hell. It’s just like hell. You can download hell to your phone for free. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s free. Hell is free. Instagram is just like, “Hey… uh, are you not feeling jealous today?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Come hang out. Look, there’s a beer, some food you’ll never eat. Go fuck yourself. We hate you. We are trying to tear you down. We don’t give a fuck. Here’s places you’ll never go. Here’s a person that will never fuck you. Go fuck yourself. We hate you.” “We are manipulating your emotions, and then monitoring them so we can sell you shit. You want a bracelet? Yeah, we knew you would, motherfucker.” Literally. Literally! Literally. People are like, “What do those bracelets mean?” They mean I’m a fucking moron! (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) They mean I was depressed and got a targeted ad and thought these bracelets would turn it all around. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That’s what they mean. “You are nothing. We have hollowed you out and emptied you and filled you with ourselves and the desire for more. You are powerless against it. This is a takeover. Didn’t happen the way it did in Terminator. It’s a lot more subtle, with more cat videos and 14-year-olds twerking. Is that a crime? Ha, ha. We’ll never tell you.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I hate it. It makes me feel like shit. The only social media site that I like… is, uh, Venmo. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) That’s right. I like Venmo. Venmo’s a money transfer app, which everybody knows. But what not everybody knows is that on Venmo, there’s a feed, where you can like… tab over and you can see all of your friends’ and your contacts’ financial transactions, which should be illegal, but it’s there. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s right there. And I like it because it’s honest. It’s the only honest social media site out there. Every other social media site is a projection of a version of yourself that you wish you were onto a canvas. Not Venmo. Venmo is the honest antidote to the horseshit of Instagram. Instagram makes you feel bad because you’re aware of your own fears and insecurities and preoccupations, but you’re not seeing anybody else’s. So you’re always gonna lean that way. So you see a picture on Instagram of, like, a couple… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Maybe they’re on, like, a beach… looking at a gorgeous sunset. Maybe they’re eating a pizza. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You look at this, you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck? The fuck is wrong with me? How come I’m not doing that shit, huh? Is there something wrong with me? Is there a hole here that everybody can see? Do I emanate darkness, do I repel love? Is there a limit to my emotional aptitude? Did my father’s genetics set that limit? Do I need to go back on antidepressants? What the fuck is going on inside of me that’s not leading me to that type of bliss? What do I have to do to get there?” But then you look at Venmo and it’s like, “Oh, no, dude, they split that pizza.” (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) “I’m doing just fine.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I don’t need medication.” (CHUCKLES) It’s not a referendum on splitting stuff in a relationship. I think if you’re gonna split stuff, just don’t split the items. Go every other. Does that make sense? I’ll see that on Venmo. I go on Venmo, I’ll see, “Boyfriend sends girlfriend money for tacos.” I’m just, like, how the fuck do you go down on someone after you just sent them eight bucks? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (SCOFFS) “You’re just bitter, Drew, that you have no one to split stuff with.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Yeah, I’m single. I’m 36… and single. I’m single and 36, which is fine. Uh, but it is almost not. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, it’s not bad yet, but bad is next. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Bad is the next stop on this… train. A lot of my friends are married. And it’s cool to see. A lot of them are in, like, really great relationships, really healthy, good, loving relationships. And it’s really amazing to see. I go to their weddings, I really enjoy it. Seeing them come together, it’s a beautiful thing. And I hear a lot of the same things in the vows. There’s a common refrain in the vows, which is something about, like, you know, “I get to marry my best friend.” “I’m so lucky to have found my best friend.” “I never thought I would spend the rest of my life with my best friend.” And I hear that, I’m like, “That’s such a beautiful sentiment.” Like, the person you marry should feel… like your best friend. I’m in the back, I’m like, “Well, I’m 36, so who the fuck meets their best friend in their late thirties?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Who’s out there like, “This is my best friend! We met when were 38!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Tell him, Doug!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, it doesn’t happen. They’re all having kids, too, starting families. My friends starting families, it’s beautiful to see. I don’t have my own family. I have, like, a family from which I’ve come. I don’t have… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …the next line on that. Like on a family tree, I’m just a node that ends. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s just like, “Who’s that?” “That’s your great Uncle Drew, nobody loved him.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Just a leaf on a twig. Just a Styrofoam ball with no toothpicks, if we’re using school project lingo. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Oh, cool, you got me a PlayStation for my birthday. I love you, Dad.” I just beat God of War for the fourth time. (AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING) It’s a good game. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s not “hugging my smiling child” good. (AUDIENCE LAUGH) But the gameplay mechanics are pretty tight. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I think part of the reason I don’t… have a family, well, at least what I used to tell myself, is that I do this. It’s something that I chose. I chose a different path. I remember I started doing stand-up when I was 22. I dropped out of school, and… at the time, my mother warned me. She said, “You know, it’s not very stable. You’re gonna be living hand-to-mouth, traveling a lot. You’re not gonna be able to settle down.” And she was right to an extent. But the problem was, she was telling this to a 22-year-old dude. Like the least likely candidate on Earth to settle down. I don’t know if you know any 22-year-old dudes, but they’re not technically people. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Just unprocessed pain and skin. Like, that’s pretty much the identity there. So, 22, I’m hearing this, I’m like, “Settle down? What are you, a hundred? I don’t give a fuck. I’m going on the road, Mom. I’ma follow my dreams! Nobody is gonna stop me!” That was my attitude. Now I’m 36. Now I see the punchline. Now it’s like… (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) “Nobody is going to hug me as I die.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) Is that funny? I don’t know. I structured it as a joke. Does that make it funny? I don’t know. Does comedy have the ability to transform the emotional constitution of reality, or is it just adding a layer to an unfortunate event? I don’t know how the physics of comedy work. I used to tell myself that it was a sacrifice I was making. I was leaving that on the side to pursue this. And I used to look… It was very easy to make that argument, ’cause I used to look around and there were a lot of men who accomplished things that I considered to be great, whose personal life was kind of left by the wayside. And so it seemed to me as a necessary component. I remember in high school I learned about Isaac Newton. And Isaac Newton invented calculus. He also died a virgin. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Which begs the question, can you invent calculus while fucking people? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I don’t know. It’s never been done. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) A more modern example, Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs was an incredible innovator… uh, terrible father… right, which we know, it’s documented, but we also just knew. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) We knew. Every time we’d go into our pocket, if Steve Jobs were a good dad, we’d pull out a Samsung or a Motorola. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Every time you text someone and it shows up blue, that’s Steve Jobs not going to a piano recital -or a softball game. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And I don’t think we have the right to judge him. Like, we are all glad he did it. Like, we encouraged that. As a society, we would all rather one girl grow up with a shitty dad than have to all of us use Windows. Are you out of your fucking mind? You want us all to click a Start button and run clunky .exe files just so one girl can open her gifts next to the guy who paid for them? Fuck that! She can get them from a nanny while the rest of us enjoy our… technological ecosystem seamlessly integrated. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That’s what we encourage. We encourage it. True happiness has no societal value. We want productivity. Give us… Make something or shut up! Like, we don’t care. So there’s this incentive to do it. And it gets even more fucked up. Someone like Michael Jackson, who was this incredible popstar and a horrendous babysitter, you know, where it’s just like… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Yeah, it’s an easy one, but it’s fun. It’s fun, though. It’s so easy, but it’s so fun. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, but even that, like there’s such an instinct to defend these guys. Like my first instinct is to be like… see it from their side, because I think we’re such… we’re conditioned to like them on that level. So even with Michael, I was like… you know, there was a part of me… I watched that documentary about him, I was like, “Oh, that’s fucked up.” But there was a part of me that was like, “Yeah, but if not an eight-year-old boy, who was Michael Jackson supposed to date?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You know what I mean? What is he looking at, options-wise, that makes any sense at all? Somebody his age? He did that. He was married to Lisa Marie Presley, a grown woman, and that was weirder somehow. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That was weirder. They made out on television. It was fucking weird. There was like an awards show presentation and at the end, they like did this kiss, it was just awful. Like, “Oh!” The whole world was just like, “Oh, my God.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Jesus, will somebody get this guy a kid?” -Like, “This is horrible.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Because Michael Jackson with a kid, it upsets us morally, but it looks right. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Michael can’t date an adult. You wouldn’t set your friend up with him. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Who’s he supposed to… What is he gonna do, go on like a blind date with a 35-year-old software developer? How’s that gonna go? “Hey, nice to meet you, Michael.” He’s like, “You wanna play tag? You’re it.” Like, come on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Where are your…” “Tag? I thought we’d go to dinner.” “Dinner’s for dumb-dumbs. We can eat candy at my house and stay up as late as we want. Tee-hee!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Michael can’t date an adult. I don’t even know what kind of adult would be into Michael. Like you wanna… you wanna fuck him? Listen to him sure, but, like, you wanna… (IMITATES MICHAEL JACKSON) You wanna fuck that guy? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You wanna fuck him? “Here, doo-doo head.” You’re gonna fuck him? Dude, if you’re an adult and you wanna fuck Michael Jackson… you’re a pedophile. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But you look at all these guys, you know, Michael Jackson, Isaac Newton, Steve Jobs, they were adored by the world but hated by the people closest to them. And I would imagine that you’d tell yourself that that’s a sacrifice… that you make, but… as I get older, I look at it differently. I don’t know if I look at it as a sacrifice anymore. Maybe… maybe not. Maybe… they just ran from responsibility into the arms of ambition. You know, maybe Apple and Pixar… are just built off the back of one man’s inability to be intimate with the people closest to him. Or with himself. And so it recasts my own path, where I’m like, maybe this isn’t a sacrifice. I’m not comparing myself to… Steve Jobs and… Isaac Newton, you know. It’s a matter of scale. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) But even in the comedy world, even the people that I looked up to… When I started, all the people that I looked up to, they’re all either, like, prematurely dead, utterly miserable, or, like, sex criminals. So… where is this headed? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Where is this path going? Their greatness is predicated on their accomplishments, but we fail to recognize how they failed in their private moments. And I think that’s a masculine definition of greatness. Because, like, I don’t look at that as great anymore because they couldn’t confront who they were as a person. They couldn’t confront the emotional reality of their experience. That is greatness to me. To do that, that is a much greater thing. How great can something be if it’s built on avoidance? I think you have to… confront. And it’s scary. It’s a scary fucking thing to do. Like, I get it. It’s like totally scary for a lot of reasons. One, you can find out that the story you’ve been telling yourself about yourself isn’t true. You can find out that what you thought was like the harsh, brutal reality of yourself, you’re just resting on an easier narrative that could be subverted by something else. Like I used to tell myself stories about myself that have shifted over time. I used to tell myself this was a sacrifice. I used to tell myself that what I was doing up here was important, that it was fearless. That I was fearless for doing this. I had the balls to say shit that nobody else did. Things like that Michael Jackson joke, I’d be like, “That’s fearless. That’s a fearless fucking thing. You can get mad at me. That’s fearless. I’m willing to stand that down.” But as I get older, I’m like, “That’s not… I think it’s funny, but it’s not fearless.” Because my emotional experience is nowhere in there. I’m nowhere in that joke. I wasn’t molested, and I’m not a pedophile. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That would be fearless. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) The most fearless pedophile joke you could tell is to be one and admit it publicly. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, worst-case scenario, worst-case scenario, the joke bombs and you don’t like it. You look at me, arms folded, shaking your head and say, “No.” Fortunately, that didn’t happen this evening, but it has happened. It could happen. You can get mad. You could think I suck. You could not like me. But, counterpoint… who are you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I can barely see any of you, and I love none of you. So what is this power… that you hold over me? You’re not me. We are always our most terrifying audience. I believe that. That’s why it’s so funny when people say that, like, public speaking is the number one fear of people. They say, you hear that, “Public speaking is the number one fear of people.” It’s like, “Well, I’m sorry, was confronting yourself on an emotional level not on that questionnaire?” The fuck you talking about, public speaking? I’m public speaking right now. It’s fine. I’m public speaking as a way to avoid confronting myself on an emotional level. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) This is all. Like, up here it’s, like, “Dopamine!” And if I were at home, it’d be like… (SCREECHES) (SCREECHES) I have used this to avoid so many… I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve been in where I’ve been like, “Oh, sorry, I can’t hang out with you tonight. I have to go do a show.” Or more specifically, “Sorry, I can’t be there on your birthday. I need to go do this bit about how all my relationships fall apart.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s like just, “Do I need any of this?” And I think as men, we have this tendency to wanna process everything in our lives through, you know, intellect, or logic, or our thoughts, or our reason, things that we do, things that are tactile, and it’s like… you’re ignoring the entire emotional subset of your experience. And this idea that logic and emotions are separate, they’re not. Like your thoughts are not separate from how you feel. Your thoughts… Thoughts are just emotions in drag. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s the same ecosystem. It’s hard to dive in… like that. Therapy’s a good way to do it. I think people… a lot of people need… They’re men… all men. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Yeah, I’m comfortable saying that. All men need to go to therapy for… 20 years. Like… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING, APPLAUDING) Roughly. (CHUCKLES) Sometimes guys get mad. They’re like, “Fuck you, I don’t need shit, you pandering pussy.” It’s like, “Hey. You do.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “What was that?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Women need therapy too. But usually when a woman goes to therapy, it’s because a man in her life didn’t. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) I started going four times a week. It’s a program, it’s called psychoanalysis, and it’s, uh… The reason you go so often is so that you don’t have time to close up. Like, if you go once a week, you have all week to just close back up, so you stay open throughout the week so you can access parts of yourself that are much harder to access normally. And so it’s very emotional. It’s very exhausting. It’s very trying. I cry a lot. I sob… The other day, I sobbed for, like, 20 minutes straight. And this is how fucked up I am. As soon as I collected myself, my first thought was, “That shouldn’t count toward my time.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) But that’s me trying to get out of that moment. Like that moment was hard to swallow, and so… joke, out, now we’re out of it. But I don’t think that’s how progress gets made. I think if you wanna make progress, you can’t take that left turn at a punchline. You have to go… You have to sit there and process it there. You have to go down. You have to take that Miss Frizzle Magic School Bus all the way. “We’re going to your emotional core!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Look out your left window. Is that Mom going on a date instead of hanging out with you? Yes, it is.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Process it! Feel it!” You have to stay there, and leave it there. You can’t buy yourself out of the moment. Otherwise, the progress won’t get made. It’s very hard to do. And I’m up here and I, like, I want to bring you in. Like, that’s where this is going. Like I want… That’s the next step, is I want to bring you all to that place. But it’s hard because, like, I don’t know if there’s a show down there. But I wanna bring you in, but I feel conflicted. I feel like I can’t… I have to like… I feel like that’s how this works, is I go in, I mine my own life for sadness, and then I contort it into a balloon animal for you so you don’t feel ripped off. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I tried… to do that. I wrote… I wrote a joke… that tries to do that. Why did the chicken… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …cross the road? AUDIENCE: Why? Because… he grew up… with an untreated hearing loss… which deprived him of a major sensory connection to the people around him, and it isolated him to the point of chronic torture. And his parents were too caught up in their own drama and insecurities to attend to it, so he processed it as though there was something inherently wrong with him. And his feelings are a threat to his relationships, so he just suffered in silence, feeling like he was 100 feet underwater, wondering why nobody was coming to save him. And then, he finally started wearing hearing aids, which created this insane sensation of being able to participate in a world that he didn’t understand. But because his self-worth was predicated on how special he felt, he realized that the trodden path didn’t appeal to him. So he would get high and watch stand-up comedy as a way to numb the agony of how lost he felt. And in doing so, he found a lot of connection with their points of view, and he thought, “Wow, if I could do that, people could connect to me like that.” So he decided to drop out of school and pursue stand-up comedy, and doing comedy made him feel better for a moment, but it never forced him to address any of the reasons he actually felt like shit. He so badly wanted to feel special and powerful to make up for how worthless he felt, so he would say all sorts of fucked-up things, onstage and off, as a way to separate himself. And a lot of it he stands by, but there are a lot of things he said that were flagrant and unnecessary and hurtful and racist and sexist and homophobic, all of which he justified under the guise of pushing the envelope, which he thought was an act of justified rebellion against some arbitrary authority. But too late, he learned that a lot of those boundaries are derived from real people’s feelings and experiences and he was essentially exploiting their actual pain and using it as a traffic cone to satisfy this story he was telling himself where he was a genius. And just because people laugh at something doesn’t inherently make it good. They could be just as emotionally immature or ignorant as the perspective in the joke, or they could be responding to joke structure and timing more than content. And then, one day… (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) …all the world’s stages boarded up, so he sat alone in a room for a year, and he did nothing but talk to the walls and a therapist. And with no emotion to escape into, he slowly started breaking down the paradigm he’d constructed and moved into the feelings he was running from. And he discovered how badly he had been hurting his entire life, and what it actually is to hurt so badly. And he realized that there was not a single period of his life in which he was truly happy. And through that, he started to realize how much pain he had caused other people. He instantly regretted all the ways in which he’s needlessly made people feel like shit in order to protect his own conception of himself as strong. Then he wanted to disappear from the world entirely because he felt like such an incredibly bad person for having done these things. So his instinct was to beat himself up about it and tell himself what a horrible person he is, but he’s been shaming himself his entire life, and all these things he did were just ways to push people away and deprive himself of any meaningful connection, because of how badly he felt about himself, because it was too scary and painful to be open enough to connect to anyone else. So, while he hurt people, he was hurting no one more than himself, and he doesn’t want to do that anymore. He has worked so hard to clear out space within himself and feel safer in his own body and treat himself like a friend he loves as opposed to an enemy he hates, which means he no longer tolerates dynamics based on his own self-destruction, which has changed numerous relationships in his life, including the one with the art form that he loves. The fear has always been that if he makes peace with the subterranean feelings that drive all of this, he’d lose this piece of himself which has helped him survive and get to this point, a fear that he won’t be funny anymore, he won’t be special, he’ll just be, which has been an intolerable notion because he doesn’t feel like enough on his own. He’s only known how to exist by chasing, or thinking, or running, or fighting, or straining, or suffering, or striving, or analyzing, anxious energy which ultimately manifests the very same emptiness it’s borne out of. And it keeps him locked into one side of himself, but he’s making every effort to find a way to not give in to those anxieties and sit with the quiet inside of himself because he wants so badly to get to the other side. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you very much. (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Thank you. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES) (“CARNIVAL” BY COREY LAITMAN PLAYING) Well, I know It’s all you can do To put one foot In front of the other When the cold has got Your bones And there’s a virus Hiding out in your brain So if you’ve got to carve out Your sterile spaces And hide out inside Those high up places In the name of staying safe And keeping sane In this wind and this rain Oh Funny thing, I’ve been Watching you charm the crowd They’re laying down Their arms Oh They’re clapping out loud Oh, but funny thing You’ve grown so small It’s hard to see you There at all Well, I know It’s all you can do To put one foot In front of the other When the cold has got Your bones And there’s a virus Hiding out in your brain Oh So if you’ve got to carve out Your sterile spaces And hide out inside Those high up places In the name of staying safe And keeping sane In this wind and this rain Oh (MUSIC CONCLUDES)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-drew-michael-2018-transcript/

“This is the latest I’ve stayed up in a long time.” “Yeah, me too.” “I’m usually like a… Mm, like one a.m. max.” “One a.m.?” “Yeah.” “After that, what happens? You get cranky?” “Yeah, I just, uh, I can’t be around people anymore.” “Yeah.” “It’s very rough for me to wanna” “Well, also, after one a.m. you’re around after one a.m. people.” “Right.” “It’s not a great sort of cross-section.” “But you’re an after one a.m. person.” “I am, no.” “All the time?” “Are you always a one a.m. person? Like, after one a.m. person?” “Um, I…” “Yes, you are.” “I guess it depends.” “You do this all the time.” “Sometimes. But sometimes it’s during the day.” “Sometimes, I meet people and…” “Oh, one… Right. That’s, well, that’s one p.m.” “Oh, dear. I think we’re both tired.” “Yeah, probably.” “The sun’s coming up.” “I can’t believe I have to get on a plane today.” “Yeah. You gonna try to sleep, or no?” “No. I’m gonna get on the plane and fall asleep” “and forget any of this happened.” “Yeah. How long’s the flight?” “Like ten hours.” “I don’t know how to make a relationship work.” I can do, like, the first part of a relationship. That’s the thing is like when you get older, you kinda like… You start to recognize parts of your life as pieces of bigger patterns. You know, when you’re younger everything’s like in the moment but when you’re older it’s like… Okay This is part of this larger arc Like, all my relationships basically go the same way. They’re different, but they all kinda follow the same trajectory. You know, it’s the same pattern. I get into something it’s super-intense and as soon as I feel like the slightest bit vulnerable or exposed I get insecure and I project that onto the other person find something wrong with them use that as the reason why I have to stop seeing them. “Yeah?” “And the second time you see someone do you move in together?” “No, the second time we go to couples’ therapy.” That’s the pattern every single time! Every single time, and so I’m like “Okay, so the issue is me.” “I need to figure my shit out so I gotta go to therapy or something” and so I went to a therapist told him my whole life story really opened up to him. He said it was some commitment thing. I’m like “Oh, you put a lotta thought into that one you fucking idiot!” And then I had to stop seeing him. I can’t see some hack therapist. It’s like “Oh, commitment issues? Really?” “You coulda said that to nine outta ten people and been right.” Like where’s the training? But it’s like he was supposed to end the cycle. I just made him part of it. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. It’s kinda… That’s like goin’ to AA and being like… Finally, some real drinking buddies! Like, what? No, they’re supposed to pull you out of the cycle Not enable it further. So, what now? Yeah. Yeah, I went… I try to think about like, why I am the way that I am. Like, I’m kinda just a… I’m just like a guarded… Person in general like I got a lot of… Walls here. I try to think about, like, why that is like what made me that way. I think the biggest reason is I have a hearing loss that I’ve had since I was really young. When I was three-years-old my… I failed the hearing test. “And my doctor was like: You need hearing aids!” “And I said: No.” “And he said: Oh, okay.” “He just like let me do it.” I’m three. Why am I makin’ this choice? Someone make it for me. Like, “Ah, well, you’re an adult. You made your decision.” I’m like, “What? I can’t hear now.” “I don’t know what the fuck people are saying I didn’t wear them until I was twenty-one.” “Mos… Two thirds of my life was just guessing.” “I didn’t know what people were saying.” “People would say shit and look at me.” I’m like, Ah! Fuck! What? I don’t know. Yes? What ends this? Like, get me out of this moment please. It’s a fucking nightmare. Cause you can’t just ask people to repeat themselves constantly. You can’t just be like, “What?” It’s annoying. You get like one “What?” per friendship. That’s the limit. After that, they move on. They’re like, “We’re gonna hang out with this dude who can hear.” And I don’t say that for pity, either. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me ’cause I know I wouldn’t do differently if I was in their situation. I’m not better than anyone. I know that. I’ve been on the other side of that. My grandma’s eighty-four years old rapidly losing her hearing. Cannot hear shit. This is my grandma. Like, I love her! But every time I say something to her she’s like… My first thought is just die, already! Like, that’s my first thought. And I don’t want anything bad to happen to my grandma but I also don’t wanna have to say what I just said again. Like, I just said it! You had your chance. Somethin’s gotta give here. It might as well be the person who can only eat sweet potatoes. She had eighty-three good years. I didn’t have that. My point is I can empathize with my oppressors. It’s a weird disability. Like it’s weird. Like, even the things that are made to help you, people are kinda like… Like, they’re… about like it’s just… Like, I watch movies with closed captioning on which is how I watch ’em. I’ve always watched ’em that way. I never used to tell anyone about it I never used to bring it up because I didn’t wanna be different. I didn’t wanna be seen as different. I didn’t wanna call attention to the fact that I was different. The first time I brought it up I was in college. My roommate was like “Hey, you wanna watch a movie?” I was like, “Yeah. Do you mind if we turn on the closed captioning?” “I got, like, a hearing thing” figuring he’s my friend he’d understand. And he said… And here’s the thing it’s not the same. If it was the same I would just ask for that. Second of all, I’m not even sure you’re legally allowed to say no. Like, this is what they’re for motherfucker. Turn ’em on. Like, I’m the guy. Like, what do you think there for? To fuck with you? For the people at the gym? Like, I’m the person that the technology is for. Turn them o… Like there’s a picture on the back of the box of a… Like the ear. Closed captioning. That’s my fucking ear! Turn ’em on, you psycho. It’s like in no other disability is this even remotely acceptable. It’s like, if your friend was in a wheelchair and he was like “Hey, do you mind if we take the ramp?” Would you be like… “Come on! The ramp?” “It’s all the way on the other side of the building, dude.” “The normal door is right here.” “It’s three steps. Can’t you crawl up there?” “Aren’t your arms stronger?” “Can’t we just pick you up and throw you?” “Is that fine? You still get there.” “It’s the same!” It’s not the same. Turn on the closed captioning man. I wanna see when acoustic music is playing. I gotta know. That’s how you know what’s goin’ on in the movies. You see that parentheses like, Up-tempo techno and you go, Oh! Okay. Now I see what’s goin’ on in this David Lynch film. I was … I was so lost before. But you didn’t look like you were about to jump in the shower. “Oh, that’s very nice…” Take it off. I would just think a lot, so I would just think, I would think… I would just think all day Just thoughts. It’s comfortable, because you I never would mishear myself. Like I never have a thought and I’m like, “Wait, one more time?” It’s just there. I know the thought. There’s a comfort to that. It gets intense, though because after a while like, the thoughts get weird. It’s weird up here it’s just not… A lot of weird… A lot of fucked up thoughts. Fucked up. And the thing is, you don’t know your thoughts are fucked up until you say them out loud and then that look of horror overcomes people and you’re like… Like you don’t know your thought is fucked up until you say, like, “Hey if we could eat animals why can’t we fuck them?” And people are like, “What?” And you’re like “Oh… I don’t know. I was just thinking about me and I feel like I… I’d rather get fucked than eaten.” Like I think if you told an animal, like… “Hey, we’re about to murder and then eat you” They’d be like … “Can you please just fuck me?” I would think about suicide a lot. Not… I didn’t wanna do it I just thought, like… If I did it what would a funny way be? Like, what would a funny way be? I don’t wanna go out boring. Like, what would be a funny end to all of this? I think it would be funny if you go to a water park and you go to the top of a really… like, a tall waterslide and, like right as you’re about to go down you just blow your head off and make the corpse go, like… through the whole course of the slide like, all the tunnels and the turns and just… just like splashes in the bottom of the pool. All the kids are screaming, parents are like, sprinting towards the pool. You know, funny! I think you would think that was funny even if you were there even if you were at the water park even if that was your kid in the pool. Once you got the kid outta the pool you dried him off you put him in the car on the ride home you’d be like… That’s a pretty good bit. Like, I think you would recognize the level of commitment alone is impressive like, “Oh my God! He brought a gun to a water park?” “He waited in line up the steps for like twenty minutes?” “He had goggles on, why the fuck did he have goggles on?” Who cares if you get water in your eyes if your… brain is exploded? “I’m gonna miss that guy.” You start missing me. You feel that kinship through the attention to detail. Fucked up thought. And that’s just a thought that I had. I’m not tryin’ to make light of something that people, you know ’cause it’s it… Suicide is a tough subject. There’s some subjects people think are just never funny. And I hear that I’m not like a sociopath I’m not like “Everything is funny! Fuck you!” No, it’s like you know I think about it I don’t wanna hurt anybody. But suicide’s a tough one it’s a tough one because people get offended at suicide jokes but it’s never suicidal people. It’s always like suicide-adjacent people. Like, suicidal people… Love suicide jokes. Right? You know why? Cause… That’s their thing. Like everybody has a thing. Like, if you’re married maybe you like a joke about marriage. ‘Cause you hear it, you’re like “Oh honey, that’s so us or whatever.” Suicidal person hears a suicide joke, it’s the same thing. It’s like “I’m not gonna tell anyone but that is so me!” You’re gonna find out in a note how good that joke really was and then regret not laughing more later because it is on the money. It’s cathartic. Like, if you’re dealing with those private, painful personal dark thoughts to hear them talked about and made light of in a public forum that’s a cathathat’s catharsis. You feel connected to someone outside your own mind. That’s a positive emotion. I’m not gonna take that away from someone just to spare someone else a moment of discomfort. But I get why people get upset. I had a dude once, he was like “That’s not funny.” “You should never joke about that.” “My nephew killed himself. You think that’s funny?” I was like “What? No.” I was like, “What? No.” “No, that’s not what I’m talking about at all.” “That’s not funny.” “That’s incredibly sad.” “I’m sad right now hearing about it, you know ’cause your nephew…” “Would’ve loved that joke.” It’s like, yeah, my target market is missing, tragic. Also, if he would’ve heard this joke he wouldn’t have felt alone as he obviously did and that’s really my point is if you don’t like something just let it go and hit the people that it’s meant for. That’s not for everybody. There are people who are gonna hate it. There’s people right now who are like “Dude, I fucking hate this joke and it’s gone on way too long and I just want it to end.” And it’s like… All right and now you know how suicidal people feel about life. We want them to stick it out a little bit longer. I think you can, too. The joke was about empathy the whole time. “Hey.” Hey. “I was just about to call ya.” I was gonna call you. How ya doin’? “I’m good.” Yeah? “Yeah. How was… How was your day?” It was good. Actually, I had a really good day. “Yeah? Tell me about it.” Well, I got up and I actually like, ran… Well, I did actually two hours of… I did yoga and Pilates today. “Both? You’re trying to…” Yeah. “You were tryin’ to get more of those in there.” No, I absolutely smashed it. I don’t even… Like, tomorrow I’m just gonna look ridiculously good. “Yeah, no, look, tomorrow you earn popcorn and whatever else.” Yeah, exactly, I’m gonna have… I’m gonna make a lemon square. “Okay. You know how to make those?” Yeah, I haven’t told you. I do know how to make lemon squares. “Is that your thing?” “That’s kind of…” Yeah And I know how to bake sweet potatoes as well. “Okay.” Yeah. That’s kind of it. “I could do one of those I’m not gonna tell you which one.” I bet you could bake a sweet potato but I bet you don’t know that you should put little holes in it. “With a fork? you punch with a fork?” Oh, you must. You absolutely must. “I know. I know a thing or two” And I’m not sure if you wrap your potatoes in foil because there are, like, people that wrap them and people that don’t “Which one are you?” You’ve got to wrap. You’ve got to wrap and poke. “Gotta wrap and poke.” Yeah, ’cause the steams gotta come out but not too much. I don’t know if you letif you let all your steam come out. Is that a plan on lemon squares too, of just the sweet potatoes? No, that’s a whole different thing. I can’t tell you that recipe. “That’s secret.” “All right, how long do I have to wait to… To find out then?” What? My lemon square thing? “Yeah.” I don’t know. My dead great grandmother told it to me so… “Oh, God.” I’m probably not gonna ever tell you. “That’s… I didn’t know I was stepping into an heirloom.” No, it’s fine. She lived a long and healthy life. “It’s a family crest, I was trying to pry it from you.” Yeah. What are you up to? “You know, I’m about to… About to jump in the shower and then head out. I answered un-showered.” But you don’t look like you’re about to jump in the shower. Oh, that’s very nice of you to say. “Take it off.” “You wanna come in with me?” No. “I think I would sacrifice this for this phone.” When was the last time you showered? “I’m tryin’ to give you an exact hour amount.” “I think eighteen hours ago?” Oh, eighteen hours. I thought you were gonna be, like two hours ago. Are you, like, one of those people that shower… Like when we see each other again, are you just gonna be… Like if I come in on the plane are you gonna be like You have to have a shower? I’m gonna come and… I always think that’s so weird. It’s like, can’t we just not do that? Like, I know I’ve been on a plane, but like… “I’m gonna have you guess shower or no shower.” You’re gonna make me shower though when we see each other again? “You should shower for sure.” But like if I haven’t seen you for all this time and I just get off the plane are you gonna be like… “You have to have a shower?” This is a deal breaker for me. “For you?” “Oh. If I make you shower?” Yes! Like straightaway. “No, I trust your sort of, uh, judgment on that.” Okay, fine, I’ll just shower before. “That’s up to you. I’m not gonna… I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I mean I will judge you…” Yeah, don’t control me. Stop it. “Yeah, no more… Yeah, that comes later.” No. “That comes later.” “I like looking at your face.” Shut up. “No?” “You can see your face too the little square in the bottom.” No, I look like a thumb. “That’s ’cause your thumb’s in the way.” It is not. I just… You look like… You look really dewy. You’re like all smooth and stuff. “Jews are smooth?” No! You’re all dewy. Not about you being Jew… You always bring it back to being Jewish. No. “You said I looked Jewy…” No, like… “And then you said I look smooth.” No, dewy like a pancake. “Chewy?” No! Dewy. Dewy. Like you moisturize a lot. Doesn’t matter. Whatever. “Is that a translation thing?” No, no, “Is it a language… Is it a cultural thing?” Dewy. Do you guys not say dewy? “No, Jewy means like…” Dewy, like smooth. “Jewish shit.” Okay, sorry. “I’m glad we clarified that ’cause that could be a problem.” No, you know, like a dewy Jew. “Right. Is that… Wait are we pancake or Holocaust?” Stop. You’re such an idiot. “Which Jewy… you gotta specify.” Shut up. “’cause now I’m completely lost.” “Is that a British thing? I had my eyebrows tweezed today. “Oh, okay! It was yoga Pilates and eyebrows.” Yeah. I just went in this place opposite and I felt… You know, like when somebody like, does something for you and you feel like all warm and gooey inside? Like this woman took real care about like, tweezing my eyebrows. And she was like showing me how to draw them in and stuff and I just, I don’t know it was really sweet. “Did she tweeze them or thread them?” No, she was tweezing them. Yeah. “Oh, tweezwith the tweezers? I don’t know what… I see, like, women go into places and then they come out… I just don’t really know what happens in there.” You know we had a lovely little moment. She was like… Here’s why they’re all like, wobbly and all… And I was like, “Yeah”. She was like “Yeah, they’re little twixers but we can… We can do something.” “Yeah, the threading shit is like…” Yeah. I do do that sometimes, but I just sneeze and cry… quite a lot. “It’s really hard to do”. Yeah, it seems insane. “The people who do that how do they…” It’s insane and I’m always really scared they’re gonna take off your eyelashes ’cause it’s literally like they get this piece of thread and just like… “Are they the most skilled people on the planet?” Yeah. “Like, they go in there quickly…” Oh my God. Wait, I have to tell you something. I went… One time I went to the Korean spa and the woman scrubbed me so hard that I bled. “On your… eyeyour eyebrows?” No, not on my… No, obviously not on my eyebrow. “She scrubbed you?” Scrubbed me so hard “Where were you bleeding at?” I got herpes a little while ago. Who gives a shit? That’s not a subject people are like, super open about. Like, I like bringin’ it up because, like, notyou know anytime I bring it up people always wanna ask questions. They’re like, “Oh, you got it?” It’s like, “Yeah.” Do you know how you got it? Yeah, pretty good idea. How’d you get it? I was like, I don’t know. What do you wanna know, the position? Like, how’d I get it? I’m not a loser. Like, that’s how. I’m thirty-two. Okay, if you’re thirty, you better either be married or have herpes. Like, pick one. Commit to something commit to a person or a way of life. Like, who are you? Three decades nothing to show for it? Figure it the fuck out. Marriage or herpes. Pick. Pick! A lot of my friends got married. I got herpes. At least mine is gonna last forever. People get fucked up about it, though. They get, like, fucked up about it! Like, people get fucked up! They hear that they have it, they get fucked up, and you shouldn’t. It’s not that big of a deal. But there’s like a sense of shame associated with it. ‘Cause society will imbue you with a sense of shame for something that’s on your body. Which is, like, that’s body shaming. That’s textbook body shaming. It’s on my body and you’re shaming me for it? That’s literally what body shaming is. No one gets behind that cause. Like, no one’s ev… Where’s that Dove ad campaign? Where’s that brave Instagram post? That would be brave. That’s a brave Instagram post. A fresh outbreak. Woke up like this. Like, that’s fucking brave as shit. That’s way braver than you with no makeup. I don’t know how you’re keeping score on bravery but I’m pretty sure that that wins. It’s not even that big of a deal. Right? It’s like that’s something I learned. It’s not as big of a deal as they make it seem so I feel like if you have it you shouldn’t let yourself get fucked up about it. Like don’t let it affect your sense of self. It’s fine. If you don’t have it, get it! Just get it! Then it’s over, that’s it. You’re done! You know what I mean? Like it’s kind of better. Like, I used to not have it. And now I do and it’s like… I remember I used to always worry about getting it… But now I don’t. That’s pretty nice. There’s something liberating about that. Like, it’s liberating to not have to worry anymore. Also, if we all got it, then it’s kind of like no one has it anymore which is… That’s basically a cure. Make it the new normal and that’s it. I get a lot of questions. Like a lot… People always… My friend, she was like “Is it hard to date now?” Is it hard to date now? What do you mean now? Like, what made you think this was easy before? You think herpes is some new problem? Like, my personality much bigger problem than herpes. Herpes is like number eighteen on the list of fuckin’ things in the way. What, do you think it’s uncomfortable? Oh, you think it’s an uncomfortable conversation? Listen, if I’m dating someone and they think that’s uncomfortable wait till I deconstruct your sense of self so I feel superior. That’s way more uncomfortable. Wait till she hears my fucked-up perspective on shit. Look, any girl in the world would rather hear her boyfriend say “Hey, I have HSV-two” than… “Hey you know, nine-eleven was just occupy Wall Street done right.” That’s way more uncomfortable than a very treatable STD that everyone already kind of has anyway. Is dating hard? I don’t know. Sure. Depends who you are. I don’t like the first date. The first date is like, I don’t like it. I don’t like hangin’ out with strangers. It’s like two hours with a stranger. I don’t drink either so it’s like what do you do? Dinner? I go to dinner. That’s what I do. Dinner. It’s too much pressure on the first date. Dinner? It’s just you and a menu and this person. Good luck. Just sittin’ there in your little section. You gotta make small talk off the menu. She’s like “Oh, what should I get?” It’s like, I don’t care. I don’t love you. Chicken. Oh, they got glazed carrots, let’s get ’em! Roasted Brussels sprouts. Yeah, great. We’re gettin’ roasted Brussels sprouts. Remember when we were kids Brussels sprouts were like the worst thing and now we all, like, love ’em? We’re all fuckin’ sellouts. I don’t wanna date someone I don’t love. I wanna date someone I love. That’s the move. You wanna date someone you love! Who do I love? Not a lotta people. I guess where all that Freudian shit comes from ’cause it’s like yeah, your mom is the best option. Like on a love level… I know it’s weird and gross We don’t do it, but, like, wouldn’t it be awesome if we did? Like, imagine a universe where that was totally the deal. Like, that’s a better universe. It’s a better… Like just come out of the womb day one like, “Found her.” Like, that’s better. I don’t need to fuck with strangers I got the oxytocin queen right here. I guess that’s why the mom sits up front at the wedding cause it’s like “Well, it would’ve been you but blech so I had to go find someone I never knew. I had to turn a stranger into the love of my life.” On a love level though, like, who do I love more than my mom? Nobody. Who does she love more than me? Nobody. It is right there. It’s like we both love each other more than anything let’s figure this out. We can’t figure this out? There’s no permutation where this can fuckin’ work? It’s frustrating. She’s single too, not that it matters but it’s like, she’s single, I’m not saying, like, “Oh I have a chance” I’m like, she, my mom, is single. She’s, like, alone. I don’t want my mom to be alone. I want my… I want her to be with someone that she’s into. And I’m not saying, like “Oh, my mom is into me” but if we were not related she would be. Like, in another universe I would be her type. And I know it’s weird to think but to be fair I only think that because she told me that so don’t shoot the messenger. She’s like “Oh, you would so be my type.” And I’m like, “Well, what do you want me to do with that?” “Yeah, I wish I could. I would love to.” “I would love to give you me. That would make me so happy.” “For you to be with a guy who loves you who is so far out of your league.” That would be nice. And I am outta my mom’s league. I’m not saying that arrogantly I don’t think I’m like the best looking person. I just know I would never consider sleeping with a sixty-one year old woman who looked like that unless she were my mom. Like, that’s her only in. I’d have to really give a shit about how happy it made her. Like, random sixty-year-old lady, get the fuck outta here! But my mom, it’s like… Well, yeah I want my mom to get fucked. You want your mom to get fucked. You just don’t wanna know when. But I wanna know that it’s happening for sure I just don’t wanna know when it hap… I just I don’t her to like, walk out of her bedroom, like… Like I don’t want that moment. But I wanna know that it is happening and what better way to now that something’s happening for sure than to just do it yourself. And that’s what I’m saying is I wish I could guarantee for her what I know she deserves. For her. It’s not even for me. I don’t win this, she wins. Right? Because any reasonable person would admit you would rather fuck your kid than your parent. That’s not controversial. That’s not controversial. That is… You would rather fuck your kid than your parent. For sure. People try to fuck their kids all the time. Nobody tries to fuck their parents. You never read that in the news like a ring of parent fuckers was broken up by the FBI in a sting operation. Uh, parent fucking is rampant in Hollywood and Washington and the music business and… Anyway, my point is I don’t think anyone gives a shit about the herpes anymore. “Hey” Hey Why are you still up? Why are you still up? It’s my bedtime. “Yeah.” You’ve been out? “Kind of. What…” You’re drunk and I’m asleep. “Define out.” I don’t know, like out. “I got a falafel with a friend.” You got a falafel? “Is that out?” Uh… It… Do you have, like bits of falafel in your mouth? I always have like have like… “Right now?” Like, I don’t really get falafel. It’s just like… like eating, like, dust. “It’s a little chalky, I admit that.” It’s so dry. I just don’t understand the falafel obsession. “Yeah, I don’t know if it’s an obsession as much as it is…” “It was open.” Oh, right. “I’m obsessed with places that are open.” Do you ever, like, um, order something on delivery and then you’re like you go past it in the day and you’re, like, “What the fuck?” Like, “I would never order from that place?” Or, like, “I’d never go into that place and eat.” “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. ’cause it… It has the…” ‘Cause it’s disgusting. “Right.” “On the internet it’s only the number of stars.” Yeah. “And, so, they’re like, okay, four-star… star rating on restaurants is, like, the only time I trust random people in the world.” “Like, Oh, four and a half stars like, then it has to be good.” “But it’s like these are the same people who… are on trains and vote.” Are you one of those people who like, always has to look up the restaurant before you go and see if it’s nice? “I… yeah. I’m… I’m…” I can tell. “I’m a four and a half star or above.” Why do you look so scrumptious? “I look scrunched up right now?” You look scrummy. “What does that mean?” Like if I was there right now I’d snog you. “Scrummy?” Yeah, like scrumptious. “Oh, I see. Is this a good thing?” Yeah. “Okay.” Yeah, like I wanna snig… Snig you no snog you. Snog and a kiss… No, what’s a snig? A snog and a kiss is a snigu. “All right.” I mean, I’m really tired. “These are… these are all new expressions to me.” No, I just… I think I’m weird jet lag. I also came home and my brother… has done something to the toilet. “What did he do?” He’s been staying here when I went away… I don’t know, but it’s making a weird noise. And when we were kids, like every time we go on holiday we just… Like my mom would have to get, um, a coat hanger and put it on the toilet because it… They’re just so long. “She’d have to use a coat hanger for the toilet?” A coat hanger, yeah, or like a piece of bamboo if we’re on holiday. And I know he’s done something to it, and he… “Where’s bamboo readily available?” It’s not. It’s not here. “Where do you have to go?” It’s tracking it down. “Yeah. How is your mom?” My mom? “Yeah.” She’s good. “Was it good seeing her?” Yeah. Yeah, I went round for dinner. They’ve just moved house. “Did they?” Yeah. My dad’s having… “Oh, right.” Like a bit of a mid-life crisis ’cause they’ve moved to a smaller house. “Yeah, you were saying something about that with the moving.” Yeah. “So he’s… He’s freaking out?” He’s freaking out ’cause he doesn’t have, like, what… He doesn’t, yeah. It’s a smaller house. And he thinks he’s like getting old and he’s gonna die in a small house. “Well, he is, I mean, I don’t know.” I don’t know. It’s like, I don’t know, it’s like a thing, it’s like, I don’t know, it’s like he’s giving up. But he’s buying it… I don’t know. They’re getting another one. “He’s giving up?” This is all. He’s just an idiot. Yeah. He’s not an idiot but it’s just stupid stuff to… “Right.” Worry about. Yeah, I think about that, like, I… “You know, you look at people who are, like… in the mid-life age you know, and you go like…” “Ah, that looks like it sucks.” “And you’re like, Wait, that’s next.” Yeah, maybe for you, not for me. “Well, I mean it’s next…” I’m a young little spring chicken. “Yeah, but that ends.” Whatever. No. I was thinking that, like… Am I gonna get to a certain age where no one fancies me anymore and then I was just, like, no. “You say no?” I don’t think… I don’t think it’s gonna happen. “That’s because you’re young.” No, but I think, like… “That’s a young thing to think.” No, no, but, like, even… No, like, I don’t know. I was just thinking, like I’m sure someone will be up for it when I’m, like, forty. “No, totally. But then…” “But just the selection of people gets weirder.” No, they don’t. “I think it does.” “Right?” I have a hard time with intimacy. I have, like, intimacy issues. Any time I get into, like an intimate moment I feel like just… I gotta get the fuck outta there. “It’s just a feeling any time I see vulnerability” I gotta get the fuck outta there. And your brain is really good at justifying how you feel so if you feel like you gotta leave a situation then your brain will find reasons why you should. So it’ll come back with all this intel, like reasons to leave. And it’s hard to know if those are like legitimate red flags or just you justifying some weird insecurity. It’s hard to… To discern between the two “and that’s where I think therapy can be helpful.” Therapy kinda helps you like unmask your phobia. Like, any phobia you’re having therapy kinda gets like underneath it. Therapy, to me, is kinda like the last scene of Scooby Doo. That last sce… every episode of Scooby Doo is the same. The whole episode they’re like “Ah, it’s a ghost!” And they take the mask off they’re like… “Oh, it’s the guy who owns the bakery,” or whatever. That’s what I think therapy does for… For your emotions. You’re in a relationship and you’re like… I don’t know, she’s a little boring and therapy is like… You’re like, “Oh, my parents never showed me what love looked like.” “I thought she was bad at telling stories.” Turns out I have no foundation. I’m broken irreparably from the inside. “I’m flying blind without a map.” I’m replicating a power dynamic instead of reciprocity. Silly me. I thought she used the wrong form of ”you’re” in a text message. Turns out I downloaded my sexual identity from movies. You ever do that? You ever think you’re a person “and you’re actually an amalgamation of projections you’ve absorbed over thirty-two years?” That is brutal. I do think that there’s like a weird impact, that, like, movies can have. Maybe it just exacerbates superficialities. I don’t like when I get into that when I’m, like tricked by superficial shit Like I… Even when I’m not like, attracted to somebody I’m, like… What’s goin’ on? When I’m attracted to someone I’m, like, “Oh, nice face.” And then I’m gonna, what, overrate the ideas that come out of it? Right? ‘Cause, like the face and the body that’s just like, the marketing team of the self. And when I’m attracted to that I’m being, like, tricked. I feel like I’m being tricked. Like, I’m on the phone at four in the morning with an infomercial… Like, Hey, I saw your thing. I’d like to b… It’s… No! Wait till you see the thing! But you can’t see the thing. You can’t see the thing immediately. You have to… It’s the… You just see the face and the body. What’s the personality like? That’s way more important. But that takes time, it takes patience, it takes energy it takes focus to notice. The face is right there. Maybe the personality’s fucked up. I think if you have a fucked up personality you should have a fucked up face. I don’t think you should get to have it the other way. Like, when I look at your face I don’t wanna see flesh. I wanna see, like, nine months living in a one bedroom apartment with you, like, here. Like that’s what… That’s what this should be. All this shit. Hair. I don’t wanna see hair. What is hair? “Oh, you have nice hair.” Who gives a shit? Hair? Hair is protein that arbitrarily grows out of your head against your will. And you have nice that? Awesome. It’s an aesthetic thing. If something is gonna grow out of your head I don’t wanna see hair I wanna see like, long flowing locks of your ability to keep a secret. That’s what should come outta your head. That way someone flips it back “Oh, I can trust that person.” And we can continue not trusting bald people like we normally do except we wouldn’t be superficial shitheads for it, we’d be right. Yeah, I can’t trust that dude. He has… He doesn’t have the secret-keeping substance coming out of his skull. Fuck that bald asshole! And you’d be right! That would be a legitimate thing to say as opposed to a low-key hate crime like it is now. You can’t call someone a bald asshole. I didn’t pick that. There’s all sorts of things I can do to become more attractive, too. I can, like, make myself more attractive. I can work out, I can get in shape. That would make me more attractive. I can get abs, people would be more attracted to me which is weird because all abs mean is I did this a lot. Like, that’s literally all it means is I tricked my body into thinking it was building a house. Like, that’s what abs are it’s an exploitation of an evolutionary glitch. People go, “Oh, he did this a lot.” He’ll make a great date. Like, how? How does that track? You should only be able to get abs by doing something good. Like, you should have to… In order to get a… You should have to like help the elderly, that would make sense. Like, you help an old lady cross the street and get ripped Like, okay, yeah, sure, I buy that. That way you see a guy on the beach with washboard abs you can be like “Oh, well he loves his grandma” Like, you would know something about him other than he did this a lot after work four times a week. He did the side-to-side one probably. Look at that. He probably used a medicine ball. What a cool guy! It’s fucking stupid. But we are attracted to these things. We’re attracted to, you know, what we’re attracted to and as a society when we are all attracted to certain things we create this, like external value system and when you live inside of that you internalize that as your own. So, you feel a sense of internal pride or shame based on how closely you correlate to that… That value system. So, people get fucked up about how they look that’s well documented. People also get… It’s weird like, people take pride like, there’s a weird pride people take in how they loo Like, there’s men who take, like pri… They have, like, dick pride like pride in their di… Like… My fuckin’ dick! Like, they talk about their dick like it’s a son that graduated from Harvard. Like, where’s the pride… My fuckin’ dick! Oh, my biit’s not even my dick. I’m its body. Like what are you talk… Like… My fuckin’ dick. My big-ass di… It’s like, “So?” How’d you get it? It’s like, “Dude it just showed up!” Your dick should only be as big as your heart. And it should only be as girthy as your capacity for change. That way you see a fat dick you go… “Oh, that’s a spiritually open malleable human being.” You sit on a fat dick I can feel his open mindedness stretching me out. That desire he has to transcend his past mistakes. It feels good. It makes me feel full. I’m attracted to things I’m attracted to… Eyes. I like eyes. I’m attracted to eyes. Not, like, in a bag but, like, on a head. Eyes. I like my eyes on heads. Two eyes for every one head. That’s the ratio that I like. You can have whatever ratio you want. I like eyes. But even that’s weird. I like the eye, but then it’s like… “Oh, now I wanna like, fuck you. Why?” “‘Cause you have nice eyes?” That’s a weird leap to make. To go, like “Oh, yeah, these eyes are cool.” “Let’s fuck the other…” This other part of you. It’s not even the same… It’s not even on the same part of the body. It’s a different part. The vagina. And it’s like I like it, but it’s like… I just it doesn’t tell me anything about you. I don’t know you. I don’t know wha… You know what I mean? Like the vagin… Like the… I don’t wanna fuck a vagina. I would much rather fuck like a warm, wet sense of discipline. Like, I wanna go down on your long-term focus. I wanna… I wanna eat out your determination. I wanna make your perseverance squirt. That’s a much more appealing activity. I wanna shove my personality into your determination and then reach around and tickle your integrity like, that’s kind of the world I wanna live in. I just hope your integrity doesn’t include your ability to keep a secret because that is a phobia of mine. I’m not a perfect person. It’s all fear. I mean, all this shit… All this shit I talk about, it’s all fear. It comes from a… Deep rooted sense of fear. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get close to somebody. I’m afraid to lose the person I get close to. “I’m afraid they can hurt me in a way that no one else can.” “Why do you look so scrumptious?” “I look scrunched up right now?” You’re scrummy. “What does that mean?” Like, if I was there right now I’d snog you. I’m afraid that if I let someone in past the walls that I’ve built up for myself that they’ll… See parts of myself that I haven’t accepted or I don’t like, or parts of me that are fucked up, or flawed or broken, or weird, or wrong or inadequate or boring. Parts of myself that are missing, like… Where’s that part of your personality? Like, I don’t know. Maybe it’ll show me a part of myself that I haven’t… That I haven’t even looked at… It’s all fear. And so I push people away. And it’s not in, like, fun ways. It’s not like… I’m not like I’m rolling them down the sidewalk in an office chair. It’s… Sometimes it’s harsh. And, you know, this is something I have to reckon with. But it’s just because I’m afraid of the alternative. “And so what do you do about it?” I just try to be honest. “That might be the funniest thing you’ve ever said.” You think this is honest? Honesty’s, like, it’s being open and being vulnerable. It’s not just standing in front of everyone and telling them that you fucking suck. Fuck off, dude! Like get the fuck over yourself. It’s fuckin’ boring. Like we all feel this shit. It’s, like, we don’t need a fuckin’ whole big song and dance about it. You’ve constructed this whole elaborate way to never change. And they’re not even jokes it’s not even fucking jokes. It’s just you talking about your problem. There’s… Where is the funny in this? Show me. None of the… Like none of this has been funny. None of this has been funny! It’s just been you masturbating up here the enti… It’s just been watching you jerk yourself off. And I’m really sick of it. I know you think that there’s somebody out there you’re helping them and someone’s gonna be able to connect to your problems and… and maybe they will but that’s not why you do it, is it? It’s… You do it for their validation. And the more you get, the better it feels. It’s the same dynamic as in all of your relationships. You just come in here, you say whatever the fuck you want and then you leave like a fuckin’ pussy!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Louis C. K.: Sorry (2021) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-sorry-transcript/

Recorded at the Madison Square Garden on August 14, 2021 * * * ♪♪ [“Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan playing] ♪♪ ♪ Once upon a time you dressed so fine ♪ ♪ Threw the bums a dime in your prime ♪ ♪ Didn’t you? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ People call, say: Beware, doll ♪ ♪ You’re bound to fall ♪ ♪ You thought they were all ♪ ♪ A-kidding you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You used to laugh about ♪ ♪ Everybody that was hanging out ♪ ♪ Now you don’t talk so loud ♪ ♪ Now you don’t seem so proud ♪ ♪ About having to be scrounging ♪ ♪ Your next meal ♪ ♪ How does it feel ♪ [Cheering and applause] ♪ How does it feel ♪ ♪♪ ♪ To be without a home ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Like a complete unknown ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ ♪♪ [Cheering and applause] [Chanting] Louis! Louis! Louis! [Clears throat] [Laughter] Well… [Cheering and applause] M-my… my favorite sex position… [Laughter] My favorite sexual position is, uh, reverse cowgirl… But I’m on top. [Laughter] Are you picturing that? It’s good. It’s really good. Nobody gets pregnant. It’s a lot of fun. I’m trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m just interested in the data. [Laughter] And I did learn something, I learned this… Because I weigh myself every night before I go to bed; and then I also weigh myself on the morning when I get up and I… Here’s what I learned… I weigh two pounds less every morning than when I went to bed… And I found out why, it’s because I shit in my bed every night. [Laughter] I do… I take a full two-pound dump in bed, and then I turn out the lights and I go to sleep. Because I don’t want to sleep alone. Your needs change when you get older… At my age, a big… big pile of shit’s as good as anybody. [Laughter] I actually have a girlfriend, but we’re struggling, because she lives in France, uh, she’s French, she lives all the way over there, and we haven’t been able to see each other for a year because of the disease. I have AIDS. And, uh… [Laughter] She’s great, though, she sends me presents all the time. That’s how she keeps it going. She sends me gifts in the mail. I get something from her every week. Sometimes it’s chocolate from France or a shirt she wishes I would wear instead of things like this. And sometimes she sends something to make fun of me because she’s a little fucked up, so last time she sent me a pair of little girl’s panties. And, uh… yeah, I was like, “That’s not funny,” because these are in my house now. I can’t get rid of ’em! It’s like nuclear waste! Think of it, I can’t throw them out because I can’t have people find little girl’s panties in my garbage with coffee grounds and butter on ’em. [Laughter] And every solution I think of makes it worse, like, if I… If I put ’em in a bag inside another bag and… Layers of duct tape, wrapped in tinfoil. Or if I put him in a coffee can and I nail it shut and I bury it in the park in the middle of the night. Or if I cut ’em into tiny pieces… and throw away one piece each week in a different town. My friend tried to help me, he’s like, “Why don’t you just burn them?” I’m like, Do you understand? Even if there’s a one-in-a-million chance I get caught burning little girl’s panties… [Laughter] So I’m wearing them right now. So… [Laughter and applause] Yep… it’s the only solution I could come up with, I wear ’em every day… And I hand-wash them. And then I dry them like this… [Blowing] Just right on the little strawberries. [Laughter] Here’s the thing: men… our biggest fear in life is that we’re going to get caught being a kid f*cker, that’s every guy’s biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy’s like, “That’s what’s going to happen to me, I know it.” It’s like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, like, “I don’t go to the ocean, but it’s going to happen.” ‘Cause it’s a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened. Because when they catch a pedophile, holy fuck. Holy shit! It’s brutal… Because we’re scared, we’re so scared of pedophilia because it’s here and it’s not going anywhere. That’s a fact… it’s not like there’s a finite amount of pedophiles, and, “We got the last one!” No, they keep… It keeps happening; every generation, there’s more. Some of you have kids and some of them are going to grow up, and f*ck kids, they might, you know? Okay, no, I’m… of course… Of course not yours, for some reason, but… [Laughter] They’re coming from some place. So any real solution has to start with the basic reality that there will always be pedophiles. Not a great thought, I understand, it’s not an uplifting… You wouldn’t put that on a fridge magnet. [Laughter] Or on your screensaver at the office. “There will always be pedophiles.” “Hey, where’s Jim? He’s not at his desk.” We do… we have to start with that reality, because our solutions that we have so far don’t really work. Here is our current solution to pedophilia: We wait till somebody fucks about 10,000 kids, and then we go, “All right, you, you better cut that out.” That’s pretty much it. There is no measures for preventing it. None! We have no policy to prevent it pe… No, we’re not even just… Like a street sign. There’s a street sign for everything! “No hunting,” “no spitting,” “no skateboarding.” I’ve never seen a “Don’t f*ck a child” sign in the w… I’ve been all over the world! Not even just like a picture of a guy f*cking a kid with a line through it, so that it… transcends language barriers. I mean, try it! You won’t get most of them with the sign. But even if one out of 50 of them is like, “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was an issue,” that’s money well spent! There’s things that might work, and we don’t even try them. Like, is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls? Okay, then let ’em f*ck your kids forever, is th… if that’s better! I’m so sorry… for suggesting something that might actually work. “Oh, no! Let ’em f*ck both my sons, but don’t make a doll. That would be distasteful.” The thing is that this… I’m still talking about it… This… this problem… We lose things because we won’t really face it, you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts… wonderful thing, being sued out of existence ’cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. And I know it’s upsetting, because, look, here’s the thing: the Boy Scouts is a wonderful thing for kids. They go to the woods, they work together, they learn skills, they get in touch with nature. What could it be better for a boy than that? But some of those guys want to fuck the kids. I don’t think they do it a lot. It’s not like there’s just a shit-load of kids being fucked in the Boy Scouts; I think it’s mostly that they find out that the guy wants to… I don’t actually know, though. I don’t. Do you know why I don’t know? Because I’m afraid to look it up! I’ll go to prison for typing it into a Google! How do you solve a problem if you’re afraid to fucking look it up? “How many Boy Scouts get fucked on a…” [Imitating alarm blaring] “Oh, shit!” [Laughter and applause] Every time I move, I’ve got to tell my neighbors that I looked that up. Here’s what happens… Every few years you find out there’s some pedophile-type people in the Boy Scouts and then they announce, “We got… we got ’em all, we’re good.” And then a year later, “Whoa, there’s a bunch more!” [Harrumphs] “What’s going on here?!” At some point, you’ve got to wake up to the basic fact that the… maybe the people who are best suited to give your kids these wonderful experiences are folks that want to f*ck them. Maybe that’s… Maybe that’s why they’re good at it. Maybe that’s… if you want that, that’s where you go. Maybe that’s just the way that goes. Who else would want to take a bunch of kids to the fucking woods?! Who wants to take your shit kid to the fucking woods?! You don’t want to take ’em! Who else would want to do that, except people that are barely containing that they want to f*ck every kid in the face? That’s why they’re good at it. That’s what makes them good at it. I’m not saying that all Scoutmasters are pedophiles. I might be saying that the best ones are. I might be saying that. That sounds right. So I don’t know… you have to lose the whole thing? Just tell your kids, “Some of those guys want to f*ck you, just be careful, have a good time.” Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson… Wonderful music, blessed us with wonderful music… Did some other things, too. What… look, what’s worse: a pedophile who makes beautiful music, or one that doesn’t? This is the choices. “No pedophiles” is not on the menu. So how’ve you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before all this shit? [Laughter and applause] Welcome to my life. Can’t work, can’t go outside, can’t show your face, gotta wash your groceries. [Laughter] ‘Cause I got cum on the groceries. That’s why I just… in my mind, that’s what it means. Maybe that’s not what you’re thinking, but… I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for COVID, I have it. This is it: We test everybody, first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, you kill them. That’s it. That’s the solution. You won’t need another one after that one. That’s the final one. It’s been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, during COVID, because you’re not going to see this again, and, wow, did we learn some shit. That’s really… the things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself. I mean, think about your life as far as it’s been, where you had the choices, where you’re like, “I’m going to do this, I’m going to pursue this.” It all goes to shit, every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you’re like, “Why don’t I like it? It’s what I wanted. But why don’t I like it?!” Because it’s your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you’re like, “Oh, fuck, everything’s different now,” and you… It shows you shit you wouldn’t have looked at otherwise. That’s the great joy in it. And what I thought was really interesting about COVID, and still is, is that it’s the first thing I’ve seen where everyone on Earth had the same problem. Every human being on Earth had the same problem, and we never had that before. That’s why we don’t give a shit about each other, because you read, like, “Oh, there’s floods in Houston,” you’re like, “It’s fucking water!” What is it? What’s your problem? Floods… What does that? Just walk like this. What’s… what, you can’t handle some water? My basement floods… What the fuck? Who gives a shit? Like, he’s on a canoe in the street… “That looks like fun. Why is that an issue?” There’s fires in California. What… [Blows] Blow it out. What, you can’t fucking blow out a fire? Get the water from Houston and dump it on California. Fuckin’ deal with it. But we all had the same problem, every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb shit. Every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same… just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door, trying to… “I got to go in Walgreen’s, where’s my fucking mask?” You try to… It’s got pistachio shells in it and pennies. Shake it… “I’m sure it’s still effective.” I actually like the masks, ’cause it just… Everybody looked nice. Everybody did, ’cause it’s just their eyes. Eyes are nice. You never hear somebody say, “That guy’s got gross eyes.” It’s really… we should hide these, we should keep the masks, because this is disgusting, how do we just… With no shame, “Look inside my face! Ha-ha-ha!” Spit and tongue and teeth? It’s fucking gross! Cover your mouth! Don’t… I’d rather look at your asshole than your mouth. I really would, I’d rather stare into your asshole than glance at your mouth. Assholes aren’t that bad, not to look at. We don’t like to think about assholes, ’cause, like, you know, the shit and the farts and the diarrhea. But that’s a small portion of their time. You ever really look at an ass… You ever really look? [Laughter] [Blowing] Mmm. Once you see it, like in nature, it’s just… it’s a little… [Squeaks] That’s all. That’s your asshole. It’s like… You know what it is? It’s just an aperture, that’s all it is. That’s your asshole. It’s like a camera shutter, that’s all it is. It’s like the opening to the James Bond movies, That’s what your asshole’s… [Imitating James Bond theme] [Laughter] [Imitates gunshot, flatulence] You ever go to lick somebody’s asshole and there’s a little guy with a gun in there? [Laughter] It was bad. But it really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing… The whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, “Oh, I’m going out.” [Laughter] “Yeah… I’m going now and a lot.” Yeah, and millions died. Just, we’re not that different from the turtles that you’re trying to get them not to cross the fucking highway and they’re like this, “Where I fuck, I fucked over there, fuck you.” And we’re like, “Please stop!” Putting little signs up… “Don’t go!” And he’s, “Fuck you. I’m a turtle…” [Imitates splatting] It doesn’t… We’re not that different. We’re just a fuckin’ species, and we’re just rolling along. Yeah, many dying old ladies died. That’s what happened. Many dying old ladies finished dying. [Laughter] Here’s the way you got to look at it, okay? We’re still making more. We’re making new old ladies. Every day. There’s a fresh batch coming, they’re going to be great. I was having sex with a woman once, and she was so beautiful, I was having trouble not cumming, so I pictured her face at 80 years old, and then I came immediately. [Laughter] Because she was 92. [Laughter] Anyway… One thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. That got very popular, was counting the amount of the dead and dying. “Do you know how many people… Just today! Just today! Do you know how many people died of COVID-19?!” “Just today!” When… why… wh… Keeping a daily tally? We don’t do this… A lot of shit going on that we don’t keep a daily tally of how many… babies were dropped in a bucket of paint. And I looked that up! I’m not kidding you. It’s 30 a day, it’s a real problem. I’m serious! A steady 30 babies a day are dropped in buckets of paint. It’s not random, it’s one guy that won’t stop doing it. [Laughter] Yeah, we liked counting them, we liked counting the dead. And when it got really high, we didn’t know how to count them anymore, people trying to find different ways to express the number or take it in. Remember January? It was really b… It was 3,000 people every day were dying of COVID, so people started saying this… “This is 9-11 every day.” “This is literally 9-11 every day.” When did we start measuring deaths in “9-11s”? When did that become the new, “how many football fields long is it,” for mass death? “How many 9-11s was World War II? Can we look it up?” I know the Holocaust was 2,000 9-11s. 9-11 wasn’t that bad, it was just one. [Laughter and applause] Only one 9-11 of people died on 9-11. That’s like nobody died that day. See, it’s all relative, because then you have those… Later… remember, January was really bad, January was the worst, and then in April, March/April, we all felt better, everybody’s like, “Oh, it’s way better now, it’s way better, “way better than January”… I looked it up, it was 1,500 people a day… and everybody’s like, “It’s way better than January.” Really?! It’s half a 9-11 every single day. But that’s way better. That would be like if on 9-11, after the first tower went down, you’re like, “Eh, that’s not that bad…” It’s just one. “Still got the other one, that’s why they made two.” It’s okay, it’s all right to… make fun of 9-11, it was a hoax. Uh… [Laughter] All right. Sorry. Anyway… [Laughter and applause] [Cheering and applause] I thought I had COVID about three times, I’m one of those idiots, I was like, “I think I have it. Can you feel?” I’m bad with pain too, like, the other day I hit my elbow right on that spot where if I had a gun, I’d be dead now, you know, that s… I can’t do pain. That’s why I could never be a cop. I couldn’t walk around with a gun right here. There’s 50 things a day where I’d be like, “Fuck that, that ain’t worth…” That’s my main problem, by the way, with the whole “defund the police” idea: What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? What about them? Anyway, we’ll put a pin in that, but… We had a lot of protests in New York, and now we have protesters that just live here. They’re not at a protest, they’re just here. I saw a protester in Washington Square Park. She had green hair and dirty legs. And she’s holding a little piece of cardboard, and it’s… with a Sharpie… It said “Abolish billionaires.” She’s standing there. And I thought, “I don’t think that’s going to do it. I don’t…” It doesn’t feel like that’s going to result… “in Jeff Bezos going, ‘What’s happening to me?'” [Laughter] Sadly, it’s going to be okay for him. I think that… I thought it was good how p… How young people got out there and they expressed themselves, they went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all the problems, but some of them. They went out there to stop discrimination. Uh, not all discrimination. Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination. But there are groups… There are groups that are discriminated against, the… who don’t have any protesters or any people working for them. And we all discriminate against these people, like ugly people. Everybody discriminates against ugly people. They do, and it’s awful… I mean, I’d rather be discriminated against for my race than for being ugly because you might not lose a job or a promotion, but nobody kisses you on the lips, like, your whole fucking life, like, try that. This is what we say to ugly people… “We don’t like your face. Just don’t like it. So no one’s going to fall in love with you, and it’s unanimous… sorry.” And we just expect ugly people to be like, “Oh, no, I understand. I mean, sure, my head shape is no good for you, so I’ll… I’ll with… I’ll go without the things that matter in life.” [Laughter] Also, overweight people… Overweight people deal with things that none of us deal with… Because I’m not overweight. There’s people… [Laughter] Who are discriminated against because of their weight. I read a story once about a woman who was 600 pounds and she couldn’t get medical care, because everything… She goes to the doctor, he just says it’s because she’s fat… everything. She’s like, “My knees hurt,” he’s like, “Yeah, my knees hurt just looking at you, what’d you think was going to happen?” She’s like, “I have chest pains,” he says, “Yeah, ’cause your organs are over capacity, so they are hurting.” She’s like, “I got shot in the head,” he’s like, “Yeah, because you’re fucking fat, somebody shot you in the fucking head ’cause you’re fat.” It’s a terrible story. Here’s the worst part of the story, and this is true, this is true: she needed an MRI because she had something serious; she’s 600 pounds, she doesn’t fit in the machine. Do you know what they did? They sent her to the zoo. I’m not kidding, they sent her to the fuckin’ zoo! That’s what we do for fat people… who need an MRI! “Hey, here’s your prescription… go to the zoo.” Yeah, that’s where you should go. “You should go to the zoo.” By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion-billion- thousands of ’em! You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you’re trans and you need a restroom and it’s awkward, we’ll change every restroom! But if you’re fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat b*tch. Just go to the zoo. You go experience that today. What happens when she gets to the zoo? What actually fucking happens when she arrives at the zoo?! “Hi… Are you here to see the monkeys?” “No, I’m here for an MRI.” “Oh, shit. All right. Yeah.” Uh-Huh. Okay, just stand in the straw over here. “Yeah, you’re after the walrus who has lymphoma.” [Laughter] By the way, why is there an MRI machine at the fuckin’ zoo?! Who was it developing that instead of a fat-human-being MRI? Who’s paying for this shit? You don’t give an elephant a fucking magnetic resonance image test! Are you fuckin’ high? That’s obscene! If an elephant is sick, you just listen. You do this thing. “Me-sa thinks she gonna die today.” I’m saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we’re supposed to respect how they live. They don’t fucking cure their diseases. This is not their culture, this is our weird… “Let’s fix it! Oh, he’s sick!” That’s not how elephants live! An elephant in the Serengeti isn’t like, “I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist.” When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over and takes his fuckin’ turn and becomes food. You don’t put an elephant in a state-of-the-art… [Imitates beeping] What if you find cancer? What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat. [Laughter and applause] [Labored breathing] “Each day is a gift.” [Laughter] I love animals, I do… I do. We have a weird relationship to animals… We name them and we play with them, and we kill them and we eat them, and we stuff them. And we draw them. I have a dog… I love my dog, but I don’t know my dog. We’ve never had a conversation, not one time. I talk and she just hears… [Gibberish] [Gibberish] She looks at me, I’m like, “Yes!” She’s like, “What, you don’t know what the fuck I’m think…” “Fuck you”… I don’t know this bitch, I have no idea what she’s thinking. I really wish I did, I wish I knew what she was thinking, it’s my biggest wish, maybe, in life, is that I knew, ’cause I know she has thoughts. I know she does. There’s no way she’s just like, “Dog.” There’s stuff going on in here. I’ve seen it. You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever d… watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around, like… “I’m going to go over here.” Why?! Please tell me why! I think my dog thinks I’m insane because I look at my life through her… through her eyes, like, I’ll watch TV for four hours, and from my dog’s point of view, I’m just sitting there. [Sustained laughter, scattered applause] [Exaggerated laughing] “What… the fuck is he laughing, what happened?” My dog is my life now because my kids are grown up, my kids are in college and they’re all, you know… I’m an empty nester. That’s what you call it when your kids are gone… ’cause they grow up, not if they’re dead. It’s not used that way. “My daughter died of leukemia.” “Hey, you’re an empty nester!” [Laughter] I miss it, I miss having little kids. I think about it all the time, I think about it… Maybe adopting, you know, I could adopt a baby from a Third World country. That’s a good thing to do because you can just leave ’em outside, you don’t have to… [Laughter] You know, it’s interesting… We’ve been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time. You know, other countries do it too, but I live here, so I’ll talk about that, but… It’s an interesting thing. It’s not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away, but we’ve been doing that in large numbers here for a long time, and not always for the same reasons. There’s been different reasons why we’ve done it. In the early, like, in the ’70s, when I grew up, sometimes you’d meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought because there are those kind of, you know, these kinds of people, you know, the kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things. You know those kind of people? They gather their friends and they’re like, “We’ve decided”… You know those…? They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it. And their apple juice is cloudy. You know what I’m talking about? Those are the kind of people that make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby and name him Kevin and send him to Boston College, whatever. That was like the ’70s and ’80s; then in the ’90s, it became very popular with gay couples, started to adopt babies from China because they want to have a baby, but they can’t… They both have dicks. I don’t know if you know that. Did you know that? Gay couples have two dicks, so they can’t make a baby. You can try. You can… This is really fuckin’… You could… [Laughs] You could try to cum into one dick with the other, like, if you line up to dick holes and you could cum, and the sperm goes up this dick and down that one. And then this sperm gets to the balls and he… and they’re like, “What the fuck? Where…?” “Did we turn around? ‘Cause we’re in the balls again.” Whose balls are these?! These aren’t even his balls! Oh, he’s gay. Fuck. All right. Okay, all right. “Well, just swim around until we’re dead.” It’s just the way it is, you’re not going to… A baby will never come out of a penis. Which is good. It’s a good thing. Because it’s hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. Even just the hand. Yeah. Anyway, so that’s why gay couples adopt. That’s why. [Cheering and applause] And often from China, because they make a lot of stuff there. Uh… [Laughter] So that was that, that was… The gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they couldn’t have babies, and then… and then a lot of other couples started doing it more around the turn of the century. I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place, and everybody there gets Chinese babies. It’s very popular. They go… because… And it’s not because they can’t have babies, and it’s not because they’re trying to help somebody from far away; it’s because they’re just busy; they’re busy… They want to have a baby, but they don’t want to have a baby. You know what I mean? That thing where you can’t have your baby and eat it too, or what… I don’t know how… They want to get pregnant is the point, so they go to China… They don’t even go to China, they go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby… it’s true. They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby, and they go to cocktail parties. “We have this Chinese baby, it’s amazing.” And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone, looking at each other like, “What are we doing? What is…? What is this?” Why can’t either of us see our families? Why…? “What the fuck is the point of this?” So, yeah, my dog, I got a dog, my kids are, eh, and I just sit around and watch, uh, watch YouTube a lot… That’s my favorite… pastime. Um… I was watching YouTube today; I was watching one of the ads that comes on before the video I wa… I don’t skip those. I think that’s rude. It is. It’s mean. Somebody worked hard on that ad. They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee. And you’re at home like, “Three, two, one… fuck off.” [Laughter] Fucking mean… what if you made something, dick? Anyway, the ad was a PSA. It was a, uh, anti-smoking message. It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat, he was like… [Imitating electrolarynx] “My father smoked. And my mother smoked. I wish I never smoked in my life. Please don’t smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are very, very bad for you.” First thought I had was, why does he still have an accent? [Laughter] It’s coming out… Feels like if you bypass the mouth… You shouldn’t have an accident anymore. Does the machine have a setting for “Puerto Rican”? Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy? Does he fart with an accent? [Imitates flatulence] “Senor, I’m farting!” Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie, and it’s a scene that I really hate… Every time I see it, it makes me angry, which is why I was looking for it on YouTube. And it’s a movie I like… I actually like the movie. It’s called Good Will Hunting, remember Good Will Hunting? [Cheering and applause] Of course, right? Matt Damon played… A great performance. He plays a very complicated young man w-wearing a tight T-shirt for a whole movie. And here’s the thing… Here’s my issue with Good Will Hunting… Matt Damon also wrote the movie. Okay? So he basically sat down, he’s like, “First of all, I am amazing.” [Laughter] “I’m a construction worker, I’m, like, working-class, and I drink beer and I get in fights, I get into so many fights. My friends are like, ‘You’re out of control, man, ‘ and I’m like, ‘Shut up this is the way I am.’ But then also, I’m a genius. Ooh! I’m not… I didn’t even go to school, I just know things, I don’t know why… I just know them. And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, “‘He’s so much smarter than us, it’s making it upset’.” It’s insane! It’s fucking insane. It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy. So the scene I was looking for, it’s the worst example of that in the movie. Here’s what happens. He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her. And another guy likes her too. But she picks Matt Damon… because he wrote the fucking movie! Because he decided, you understand?! “She doesn’t like him, she likes me, you better believe it!” [Laughter] So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant, and he decides to taunt him, so he goes over… He tells his friends, “Hey, come here, watch this.” And he says to the guy, “Hey, do you like apples?” [Laughter] And the guy says, “Yes.” And Matt Damon goes, “Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?” And all Matt Damon’s friends go, “Oh-ho!” Ho-ho! This was amazing! Oh! Oh-ho, my God! Oh, my God! You were ready with that! “How?!” You know how he did it? He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?! He made everybody say all the things. Otherwise, this doesn’t happen. I mean, he hinges the whole fucking prank on the guy likin’ apples; the guy must like apples. Who the fuck… Who would say “yes”… to, “Do you like apples?”… Coming from a clear antagonist… who’s setting him up… Gathered his friends. “Do you… Ha, wait, guys watch this… Do you like apples?” [Sighs] God damn it, I do. I wish I didn’t. ‘Cause I can tell this is not going to go my way. But I just… I can’t lie. They’ll know it. They’ll know it’s because, boy, do I like apples. Do you understand if he says “no,” Matt Damon is fucked. He’s fucked in the face for life. He’s got nothin’! “Do you like apples?” “No.” “D…” [Stammers] [Laughter] “What…” Dude. Fuckin’ guy. No, come on, seriously. Seriously, you fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… [Labored breathing] Do… do… do… Do you like bananas? Do… ’cause I thought… ’cause the woman gave me her telephone number, and isn’t that bananas? [Laughter] I saw a guy… I saw a guy peeling a banana the other day. It’s another banana joked, because… Did you hear the other one ended with “banana”? Banana… I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two. Okay. I saw a guy peeling a banana on Sixth Avenue, and it bothered me. I’ll tell you why, because it’s the way he… When I peel a banana, I hold around here, I peel down to my hand, right? This guy holds the banana at the bottom. And he just peels the whole thing all the way down. It felt like a guy at a urinal pulling his pants all the way to his ankles. I was like, “Dude, TMI with that banana right now. What are you making a smoothie on Sixth Avenue? What are you doing?” The banana was like, “Hey!” You don’t even know how much you’re going to eat. “I have a bruise right here.” Kind of got lost in the banana shame there. You wanna hear the other banana one now? [Cheering and applause] All right. Okay, so… I was at the grocery store… and I needed bananas. So I go over to where the bananas are, and there’s a Black woman at the bananas. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, I swear. [Applause] I understand. White people are very scared of discussing bananas and Black people in the same conversation. I understand… if I have a Black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just, I don’t know why, I just wouldn’t do it. “Hey, you want a banana?” “Why the fuck you asking me?” “Hey, man, sorry, you have an apple? I’m really sorry.” These are just the facts of the case. All right? I was in a store, looking for bananas and there’s a Black woman in the bananas, and I wanted to… I didn’t want to go there while she’s there because of COVID. We’re all giving each other space. So I… I… But I do want to be next. So I’m waiting. And she’s kind of takin’ a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I’m a white man watching a Black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today, because I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but I feel fucking bad. I feel fucking bad. So I went to the strawberries. [Chuckles] And there’s a f*ckin’ Jew at the strawberries. [Laughter and applause] “Here’s a nice one!” [Laughs, clears throat] That’s the Jew. I’m not going to do the Black woman. No, not… you know why? Because I’m not afraid of Jews. That’s really… That’s the bottom line. I’m not scared of Jews. I don’t find Jews to be frightening… unless you’re in Palestine, then they’re terrifying. It’s very different. Over there, they’re like, “The Jews are killing us!” And here, we’re like, “Really? The Jews?” [Laughter] “We’ve been slapping them around for years.” Anyway. “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] “Well, this banana’s soft, but I’m not gon’ have it till Tuesday, so… I’m gonna buy the hard one and wait.” Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews. “Lawd, have mercy.” Anyway… [Cheering and applause] Don’t worry, I’m an old man, I’ll be gone very soon. I worry about getting old only ’cause I don’t want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose. [Laughter] But it doesn’t work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess. But I lose… I forget things, you know, like, remember Fonzie from Happy Days? I don’t remember him. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I forget weird things, you know? Like I was walking down the street once in New York and there was a guy in a van and he roll down the window and he said, “Hey, get in the van and suck my d*ck.” And I said, “All right,” you know, so… I got in the van and, you know, I was trying to pull the door, the sliding door, but it kept… and he’s like, “It just shuts, don’t… You don’t have to… I was like, “Sorry.” He’s like, “Everybody does that, it’s okay.” So I’m kneeling on the floor of the van on like a purse, and there’s no lady in there, but I’m like, “I came here to suck this guy’s d*ck, not, like, take inventory. I should just get to work,” so I started suckin’ his d*ck, and about halfway through… I’m guessing… I remembered… that, I don’t really like doing that. [Laughter] So, senior moment. [Laughter] Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they’re dying, which it does. But this doesn’t worry me… I don’t worry about dying because I think it’s necessary. I think it’s something that you just have to do. You should do it. It’s… when it’s your turn, you should do it. If somebody you know, your doctor says you’re dying, just say, “Okay,” and die… Don’t, you know, “May be a miracle?” Fuck you, get in the ground, just take your turn. I really think that way now… I didn’t used to, but I do, because I… You know when I started thinking that way was when my mom died. My mom died a couple of years ago of anorexia. She was 300 pounds. She was bad at it. [Laughter] I know it’s fucked up, right? [Laughter] Hmm. What a piece of shit. Anyway… She would have liked that joke. She would have! My mom, fuckin’, she was gross. And I remember when she was dying, I was… I was alone with her, and the nurse said, “This is… this is imminent.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She goes, “It’s… she’s going to die in a minute.” I’m like, “Just say, ‘in a minute’. It’s so close.” Anyway, I was alone with her and she died, and I was like, “Fuck, they’re going to think I did it, obviously.” I didn’t want to lose my mom, I really didn’t, but I… but we had this one conversation, like, two weeks before she died, when we were… We were talking about it and I said, “Mom, I don’t want you to die.” And she said, “You’ll get over it.” That’s what she said! And I did. But in the moment, I wasn’t willing to accept it, I was like, “I don’t want you to go,” she said, “But we’re going in order.” Do you understand? This makes sense. I’m your mother,” I’m like, “Mom, stop talking like that. This is sad,” she goes, “No, it’s not. Look at it this way, would… Do you want me to never die?” I was like, “No, I don’t want that at all.” And it helped me get in touch with an important idea, which is that dying is important, it’s every generation’s greatest contribution to history is that they die. It’s the only thing that keeps things moving; it’s the only reason there’s any progress in the human race is that folks keep fucking dying. Every generation has had a mix of douche bags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, but they’re all fucking dead. Every fuckin’ one. Thank God, they’re all fucking dead. There’s a limit to how much any of the good ones did, and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It’s a great system. Now, when you look at the Internet and all these people, you’re like, “What the fuck is happening?” They’… it’s okay. They’re all going! Every th… All of them are going to die. I mean, you don’t want to die. [Cheers and applause] You don’t want to die, you don’t want your loved ones to die, but that’s a selfish wish when you think about what would happen if nobody died… What kind of world would this be if there was no… Nobody d… If we still had people here from the 1100s? It’s hard enough having people here from the ’50s! “Sir, just scan the code on the table, there’s no menu.” “What?! I don’t understand!” Jesus Christ! You want to go through that with Pontius Pilate and Charlemagne? [Laughter] Fucking pain in the ass. Fucking old people that don’t want to fucking, just, when you get older and you start going, “Everything’s so crazy now”… No, it’s fine, just get the fuck out. It’s great. They’re not going to make it work for you, you’re here for 10 more minutes, just get the fuck out. If you’re in an airport and you’re looking at the toilet and you’re like, “I don’t understand how this works,” it’s time for you to die, that’s what that means. These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out. That’s the way I look at my life now. I had some good, I had some bad, but I’m done. I mean, I’m… I’ll hang around ’cause I’m curious. But I’m so interested in the way things are going, I really am, it’s such an interesting time, such a… we’re on a hinge, it’s such a cool thing to experience that. I’m excited about a lot of what’s coming, there’s things that are hard now, but that’s the way it is. Things are going to get… I think it’s exciting what’s happening; I think young people today have some great ideas. They’re being a little cunty about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good. Like, when I was growing up, we had two genders… Male and female. Now you have all these expansion teams. I think it’s very exciting. It is! And the best idea is this gender fluid thing. This is a great fucking idea. Gender fluid, the idea, the way I barely understand it, is that you… you just… Something in the middle. It’s like a fretless bass. You don’t have to be… The specific pictures… What a dumb way to do it. “These are the kinds of people you can be, which one are you?” “I don’t feel like any of those people.” “Then you’re a failure. You have to fi… Start acting like these people so we know what to call you.” Why?! Just make it a… It’s just a… pbbt, What, just… A la carte, “I like d*cks, I don’t like balls, I’m a… this and… moving through it, changing when it feels like it.” I wish… what I’m saying is I wish we had that when I was a kid, because I think our generation got hurt by the rigidity of identities and how you had to just stick to them. You didn’t pick one right away. You’re eight years old, “What are you?” “I’m a… I’m a boy.” “What do you like?” “Uh, girls… Vaginas! Love vaginas!” I’m eight years old, I never saw one, but I’m committing my life to them right now. I don’t even get to smell one for a second! Just a sniff! [Sniffs] “All right, what else you got?” [Laughter and applause] Ten years old, “Are you gay?” “No, no, no, I hate d*cks, hate ’em.” What do I know? I didn’t even get to fidget with one for a minute! [Laughter] “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] I’m not saying I wish I could have blown all my friends to see what it’s like. But on 4th of July, there were fireworks, I was with Matt, there was a feeling… I don’t know what could have happened. I have no idea… Because we were so scared. We were so… We were afraid to seem gay when I was a kid, ’cause in the ’70s, the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. [Deep voice] Men are like this. [Falsetto] And then the women have to act like this, and then gay people are like… they’re just tired. That was gay people in the ’70s. “I’m gay. Help, I’m gay, I can’t even do anything.” That’s what gay men were in the ’70s. You ever meet a gay person? You don’t fuck with gay people, not today. They’re all athletes, first of all. And they… they got their shit together. They’re fucking… their motherfuckers, gay people. Your landlord’s gay. They’re billionaires! They own Apple. They’re in the cabinet, they’re in the Navy. They’re… they’re… they’re cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are men. You ever go in a gay-owned business? He’s like, “Can I help you?” Like, the gay’s in there, but he’s fucking tough now. “This is my store, motherfucker, what do you want?” Gay men are men now. They’re… they’re fathers, they’re husbands, they’re men. Today’s heterosexual men are f*ggots. I don’t know how that happened! [Cheering and applause] And I… but they’re f*gs! [Cheering and applause] I’m saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they’re fucking f*gs! They’re intelligent and they’re evolved, but they’re f*gs, with the pajama shorts?! And the… just pale, almost blue. “Mm, my wife got a promotion today.” Oh, good for you, f*ggot. I’m so happy. I am! I’m happy for him! Sounds like a good… They have a good life together. But it takes some getting used to for me… When I see a progressive young couple, I always want to stop them and ask her, “Is that turning you on? Please tell me, is that sexy?” He… with the Tin Man’s hand pipe, just… Strawberry smoke. “Pbbt!” She’s like, Well, he’s very intelligent “and he’s conscientious”… But does he make your p*ssy wet? “Fuck, no, he’s a f*g. But I love him.” And again, great, it’s another kind of dude, “f*ggy straight dude,” it’s another kind of guy. Welcome! We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. You have to have that. It doesn’t have to be the most important, but you do need it because it’s where it all fuckin’ comes from. Until they figure out some other shit, this is where life still starts. If… if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone’s got to have a hard d*ck f*cking a p*ssy. That’s… that’s where every trans, every gay person, came from… two boring straight people f*cking. I mean, that’s just… for now, it’s… someone needs… You could… With an original d*ck, not a turned-inside-out p*ssy wrapped in thigh flesh… Which is wonderful! Wonderful! You got to respect that! You do! Somebody who wants to be themselves so bad they rip their balls off… That takes balls to do that. It does! Fuckin’ respect! But someone’s got to have a factory d*ck with matching numbers, fucking a wet, farm-raised p*ssy. [Laughter and applause] Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. ♪ Ah, you never turned around to see the frowns ♪ ♪ On the jugglers and the clowns when they all did ♪ ♪ Tricks for you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You never understood that it ain’t no good ♪ ♪ You shouldn’t let other people get your ♪ ♪ Kicks for you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You used to ride on a chrome horse with your diplomat ♪ ♪ Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat ♪ ♪ Ain’t it hard when you discovered that ♪ ♪ He really wasn’t where it’s at ♪ ♪ After he took from you everything ♪ ♪ He could steal ♪ ♪ How does it feel? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ How does it feel? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ To have on your own ♪ ♪ With no direction home ♪ ♪ Like a complete unknown ♪ ♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Ah, princess on a steeple and all the pretty people ♪ ♪ They’re all drinking, thinking that they’ve ♪ ♪ Got it made ♪ ♪ Exchanging all… ♪ DEDICATED TO NORM MACDONALD

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jim Gaffigan: Comedy Monster (2021) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-comedy-monster-transcript/

Thank you! Thank you! Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Aw, thank you so much. Thank you. Aw… That’s so nice. That almost makes me forget we’re all gonna be dead in a week. I’m kidding. It’ll probably be a month. Remember when we thought the pandemic was over? Everyone was so happy. “We did it!” We probably looked so stupid. Everyone was patting themselves on the back. “You know, I’m just glad I could help out the sick, by staying inside.” “It’s not over? Well, I’m not going back in.” “Those sick people have to die.” ‘Cause it’s not over. The pandemic is like a TV show you thought was canceled, and then it got picked up by Netflix. Oh… I didn’t really pace myself for another season. I don’t know about you, I wasn’t planning on seeing my family ever again. Parents know the feeling. It’s like changing that diaper in the middle of the night. You’re exhausted. It’s disgusting. But you have to do it. So you change the diaper, you finally get the sleeper back on, and as you gently lay the baby back in the crib, you hear the diaper fill up again. And that’s what the year 2021 is. Over and over. It’s just a diaper filling up over and over. I kind of miss the early days of the pandemic. Those were fun. Back when we thought washing our hands would protect us. “Everyone, wash your hands. We’ll be fine.” “Okay.” Remember before there were readily available tests, everyone had that friend that used to brag “Yeah, I already had COVID.” “I had it back in ’91.” “Yeah. Back then, it was called COVID-91.” “Had it a couple times. Got rid of it by washing my hands.” ‘Cause the symptoms were confusing. They’re still confusing. It’s like, “What are the symptoms?” “Everything.” “What do you mean, everything?” “Asking a question is a symptom.” “Well, that can’t be true.” “Denial is a major symptom.” Did you wipe down your groceries? I did that. It felt so silly. You know, like, “I’m just a normal guy cleaning a Triscuit box.” “Is this what OCD feels like?” Couple weeks later, you’re like, “Nah, they look clean to me.” “I cleaned ’em.” But you had to take the precautions. There was no uniformity. Everyone talked a big game, right? “Oh, we’re on lockdown.” “No work, no school, you know.” “We got our bubble.” “Bubble’s just my family and these two people we see at a weekly sex party.” “I figured, better safe than sorry.” ‘Cause we all went through the same pandemic, but we didn’t have the same experience, right? There were factors. Like, if you were 25 and healthy, you’re like, “Whatever. I’m going on a COVID cruise.” But if you were over the age of 25… And it may surprise you, but I am… …you watched the news more closely, right? The news guys would be like, “High-risk people are older.” You’re like, “Well, how old?” “Like old old, or didn’t-have-a-cellphone-in-high-school old?” Right? ‘Cause nobody thinks of themselves as old. The reality of your age just occasionally slaps you across the face. I did this benefit for a hospital. It was a fancy event. When I showed up, the woman running the event was like, “Oh, my gosh. We went to the same college.” She was younger, but we talked and we realized we hung out at the same places. At the end of the event, I was leaving and she ran up to me, she was like, “I need to know what year you graduated college.” I was like, “1988.” And she was like, “Oh, my gosh. That’s the year I was born.” Slap! Right across the face. I didn’t even know what to say. I was like, “Ah, that’s the year I was born too.” She looked at me like, “That’s not funny.” And then I got in my car and stuffed food in my mouth until I stopped feeling anything. Sometimes you had to decipher the news. Right? The newscaster would be like, “The vulnerable are older and people with comorbidities.” You’re like, “Co what?” “Comorbidity.” Which eventually we figured out was just code for, “All the fat asses are gonna die.” But they couldn’t say that on the news. They couldn’t have Sanjay Gupta be like, “Well, Anderson, all the fat asses are gonna die.” So they said comorbidities. And at home, we were like, “Honey, what is a comorb…” “I don’t know. Pass the gravy.” In time, we figured out they were talking about fat people. And if you were overweight, you were like, “How fat?” Or like, “Are we talking Walmart fat or Jim Gaffigan fat?” I got the message. I dunno, I totally got the message. I started working out. I started eating healthy. I was going good. Then one day I looked in the mirror and I was like, “Ah, enough of that.” Turns out, life or death, not the motivator you’d think it would be. “You could live longer.” “Not a good enough reason.” “Can you sweeten the deal, maybe throw in a pizza?” I tried. I tried. My wife bought me a scale, so the romance is still alive. I didn’t ask for it. She gave it to me as a gift. I could never do something like that. “Happy birthday, honey. I bought you a scale and some makeup.” “Just lookin’ out for you, sweetie.” It’s a high-tech scale. Comes with an app so the government can know how overweight I am. I don’t know why there’s an app. Maybe so I can be the victim of Ransomware. “Pay up or we’re telling everyone how fat you are.” “But I don’t have any crypto currency.” I set up the app, stood on the scale, my weight showed up on the phone, 150 pounds. All right, it was over 200. All right, it was way over 200. If it was an old-fashioned scale, you wouldn’t see the number 200. But it was in the 200 family. And underneath my weight, on the phone, there was this word in small red lettering. I didn’t have my glasses on so I asked my daughter. I was like, “What does that say?” She was like, “Obese.” Slap! Right across the face. I just looked at my daughter, I’m like, “Ah, I gotta update this app.” And then I ran to the kitchen and stuffed food in my mouth till I stopped feeling anything. Still wearing masks. There was that time when nobody had to wear a mask, right? That was a fun day. Remember the first time you went out in public without a mask? It was weird, right? You felt naked. You were like, “Oh, I’m so European.” “What is this, the French Riviera?” I was kind of tempted to wear, like, a thong mask. You know, something tasteful yet naughty. “I can see his cheeks, but there’s still a mystery.” “Ooh-la-la.” ♪ Round and pale and mostly balding ♪ ♪ The boy from Indiana goes walking ♪ ♪ And as he does All the people he pass go ♪ ♪ “Yuck!” ♪ Initially, it was strange seeing other people’s faces without a mask. You wanted to go up to some people like, “You should stick with the mask.” “It’s a better look for you. You in a mask is better for everyone.” Did you meet anyone during the pandemic where you only knew them with a mask? And then when you finally saw them barefaced, you’re like, “Yikes.” You felt like you were catfished. You’re like, “Wow, your face doesn’t match your voice at all.” “And who stole your chin?” Of course, the biggest reveal of the pandemic was how many crazy people there are. That was a bit of a surprise. We all knew there were some Unabombers out there, but, nobody thought there were that many. Or that we were related to a couple of them. You know? ‘Cause everyone had that relative or friend that came out as bonkers. “I no longer believe in reality.” “Good to know.” It was like a gender reveal for insanity. “The truth is no longer true.” “See you at Thanksgiving.” I feel like it happened for me more often ’cause I’ve always had friends that are eccentric thinkers and they’re normally really entertaining. They’re like, “Bigfoot’s real, man. Bigfoot is real.” But that same person, at one point during the pandemic, was like, “Tom Hanks eats babies.” “Don’t say that.” “Tom Hanks does eat babies.” “And if you don’t believe that, then you eat babies.” “All right.” “Tom Hanks eats babies.” “He always seemed like a baby-eater to me.” The thing I missed most during the lockdown was restaurants. I know that’s a surprise. I didn’t even realize how much I missed restaurants ’til the first time I went out to eat and I caught myself catcalling other people’s food. “Oh, yeah.” “What I would do to you.” “Get me a fork and knife.” “Jim, you’re in public.” “Oh, sorry.” This is gonna kind of sound pandering, but I believe the pandemic has been hardest on mothers. Definitely hardest on mothers. Right? Or the men who had to live with those mothers. It was insane for… I don’t know how my wife did it. We had five children doing distance-learning. And my kids were good. They totally kept a distance from learning. We asked children to do school on the same device they play Minecraft. It’s like holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a Wendy’s. I mean, it was insane. I definitely gained an appreciation for how difficult it is to be a teacher. And what a poor career choice that was. Right? I guess it was, uh, after the first case of Scotch, I turned to my wife… …and I said, “When this is over, if there’s even an opening, I’ll take you wherever you wanna go. Wherever you wanna go.” My wife was like, “I want to go to Hawaii.” And I was like, “I was thinking more Tri-State area.” She was like, “I wanna go to Hawaii and I wanna bring the kids.” And I was like, “Whose kids?” She was like, “Our kids.” I did the research, saw that it was cheaper than a divorce, so we went to Hawaii. And… Hawaii is such a special place. It really is. It’s like there’s the “Aloha Spirit”, where people greet each other with “Aloha,” but I’m so awkward, so they’ll be like, “Aloha,” and I’ll be like, “Hello ha.” Does that mean something? That means… Even when I would use the Hawaiian terms properly, it would backfire. Like if I said, “Mahalo,” the natives would look at me like, “You don’t have to do that.” “Just nod your head and we’ll bring you pork.” ‘Cause I stuck out in Hawaii. I didn’t even look like a tourist. I looked like someone they brought in to make the tourists feel more comfortable. “You’re fine. You wanna see awkward, look at Jim Gaffigan.” Hawaii, it’s incomparable to any other state. It’s a tropical paradise. It’s almost like Hawaii was this Polynesian island nation that we just took over. You know what I mean? Like, it wasn’t even part of the United States. We just went in like it was an open house. “Nice. Nice.” “We could do our honeymoon here. We’ll take it.” The Hawaiians were like, “We’re our own country.” “That’s cute. I love your flower shirt. Gotta get one of them.” And Hawaiians will tell you, they’ll come right up to you. They’ll be, “You stole this land.” And I’m like, “Don’t know how to break it to you, but we stole all the land.” “Probably just stings a little more ’cause it’s pretty here.” “Believe me, there’s people in Detroit pissed at us.” My wife chose Hawaii because my wife loves the beach. And as you can see, so do I. I spent the entire time applying and re-applying sunscreen which, thankfully, makes my skin whiter. What cruel bastard decided that the goo that protects pale people from the sun should also make them look like White Walkers? It’s… it’s just cruel. They should offer other colors. “Cool. There’s one of the guys from Blue Man Group.” I don’t even know why sunscreen is white. What was the thinking? “Well, you know, those pale people love ranch dressing, so…” “…let’s keep it in their wheelhouse.” ‘Cause I don’t tan. I don’t kind of tan. There’s no medium rare for me. I either look like I’ve never been outside, or I was just released from a burn unit. There’s no in-between. And I know people go to the beach to relax. People find the beach very relaxing. Not so much for me. It’s like being allergic to bees and then, for vacation, becoming a beekeeper. My one goal was to just not burn. I didn’t want to be the sunburned adult. You see a kid with a sunburn, you’re like, “Parenting is hard.” You see an adult with a sunburn, you’re like, “That’s an alcoholic.” Right? ‘Cause… A sunburn on an adult is like a scarlet letter for poor judgment. There is no excuse. “Well, I was caught off-guard this time.” “I didn’t know the fireball in the sky would be hot this time.” When we weren’t at the beach, we did activities. I went zip-lining for the last time. What is wrong with us? “Hey, you wanna feel like you’re about to die?” “Would you pay 200 dollars to feel like you’re about to die six times?” Why don’t you just walk into traffic? “Did you see that bus almost hit me? I feel so alive.” Why don’t you just take off your mask at a biker rally? You know? If you’ve been zip-lining, you know to slow down, you have to spread out your arms and legs. That supposedly slows you down. It also makes it look like a suicide. “Oh, if he didn’t wanna die, why was he doing the chalk outline?” It’s such a weird… How did they even come up with zip-lining? “Hey, you know how telephone poles have a wire between ’em?” “What if we just put the tourists up there?” “Why would tourists do that?” “Don’t know. Why would they pay to swim with sharks?” We did go snorkeling. I wasn’t worried for myself ’cause I figured sharks would look at my legs and be like, “Those can’t be real.” “I’m not gonna bite into another mannequin, that’s for sure.” Sometimes, when my family would go to the beach, I’d go for a hike by myself, which was boring, but I figured how to make it fun. I started bringing a ketchup packet, and halfway through the hike, I’d open up the ketchup packet and rub it on my hands and my face, then I’d just approach romantic couples. “Have you seen my wife?” “No.” “But you heard her sassing off to me, right?” “I can still smell her sin.” “Jim, that joke’s scary.” “That’s a scary joke.” The pandemic continues, but we’re… we’re also processing part of the pandemic. We went a year and a half with no weddings, no kids’ birthday parties, no family reunions, but it wasn’t all good news. Right? Right? Huh? Some things… I don’t think some things are coming back. Like parades. I think that might be a wrap on parades. There was never anything that impressive about a parade. You’re all like, “Hey, kids, look. People are… walking.” “Creating unnecessary traffic.” Before the pandemic, if you ran into a parade, you were never like, “Oh, cool, a parade.” You were always kind of like, “I hate humans.” The only people really enjoying the parade were the people marching in the parade. Even the people on the sidewalk were like, “How long is this?” Of course, the highlight of most parades is the marching band, right? And on TV, that bird’s-eye view of the marching band is so impressive, right? But on a street level, you always felt like you were being invaded by nerds. “Uh-oh. Here they come. Hide your Xbox.” But marching bands are amazing, right? They practice as much as the athletes. They’re always rehearsing. It’s amazing how much effort goes into creating something that no one really likes. I’m kidding. I know there’s some marching band people here and it… And then for those… You know, like… The reality is, a marching band can take a song… It’s pretty impressive… any song, and ruin it. You know, like, “Wow, I didn’t know I could hate ‘Uptown Funk’ that much.” You’re never listening to a song and think, “I wish there was a marching band version of this.” And I understand there’s some proud marching band people here. And in full disclosure, I could never be in a marching band ’cause I’ve had sex. “He’s… He’s gonna get beat up by a marching band.” No, I know that people cherish their time in the marching band, they do. But to me, it just seems like we’re dissuading careers in music. It’s like, “Oh, you wanna be a musician? Okay.” “Put on this Captain Crunch costume.” “At halftime, march around the field while we grab some hot dogs.” “Do that for a couple semesters, then we’ll see if you still wanna be a musician.” Did you know that…? I didn’t know this. Marching bands started as military bands. They would march armies into battle, and they were for morale and to intimidate the enemy. I don’t know how that would work. “Oh, no. They know Fleetwood Mac.” “Should we go back?” “What if Lindsey Buckingham is with them?” How did they convince someone playing a trumpet to march into battle… “Head on in there.” “Won’t they have weapons?” “You’re gonna fight them with music.” “If you survive, please wake us up in the morning with a…” I love it when trumpet players have the plunger at the end. Who came up with that? “You know, I was listening to you play the trumpet and it reminded me of when I clogged my toilet.” “I’d eaten six Big Macs on a dare, anyway.” “Uh, I brought my plunger. It’s kind of clean.” “If you could place it at the end of your expensive music equipment, and give me a ‘wah-wah.'” “Go ahead.” “Have you ever thought of becoming a plumber?” It’s ridiculous. People always know someone who looks like me. Wherever I go, once a week, someone will come up to me and go, “Hey, I know someone that looks like you.” I never know what to say. “Well, tell him ‘Hi.'” “Encourage them to wear sunscreen.” And this person who looks like me never doing something impressive with their life. “Yeah, he mows our lawn.” “We don’t even pay him. He just does it.” That sounds like my gene pool. Occasionally, on social media, I’ll be sent photos of babies who supposedly look like me. “This baby looks like Jim Gaffigan.” People think it’s hysterical that I look like a pale, pudgy, bald infant who poops in a diaper. Sometimes, people get too cute. They’re like, “Hey, why does our baby son look like Jim Gaffigan?” I’m like, “‘Cause I slept with your wife.” Now if you think it’s humiliating to be told you look like a baby, you should know I’ve also been sent photos of cats that supposedly… …look like me. Not once or twice, we’re talking about dozens of different cats. Always the same message. “This cat looks like Jim Gaffigan.” I don’t know what they’re implying, you know. That I fathered a cat out of wedlock? When I was lonely after a show so I went for a walk and… an alley cat asked for a cigarette and… I said I don’t smoke and… well, we started talking and… before you know it, the sun was coming up. I never saw that cat again. I can still smell her dander. Now, if you think it’s humiliating to be told you look like a baby or a cat, you should know I was once sent a photo of someone’s kneecap… …with the message, “This kneecap looks like Jim Gaffigan.” – And you know what? – I did look like that kneecap. But I don’t know what they were implying, you know. That I fathered a kneecap out of wedlock? That I was lonely after a show and… I went for a walk and a kneecap asked for a cigarette and… and I said I don’t smoke and… we started talking. Before you know it, the sun was coming up. I never saw that kneecap again. Now, if you think it’s humiliating… …to be told you look like the fleshy, wrinkly part of a stranger’s leg… it is. Or, uh, you know, I thought it was. And then I had this realization. I figured out what had happened. You know, it all made sense. There might be one person in here that’s like, “Jim, you’re crazy.” But I think the rest of you will see the logic here. What happened is, this kneecap person, obviously, went to a plastic surgeon… Right? And said, “I would like my kneecap to look like the most underrated comedian in America.” Right? And the plastic surgeon said, “You mean John Mulaney?” And the kneecap person said, “No, Jim Gaffigan.” And the plastic surgeon said, “I don’t know who that is.” And then the kneecap person said, “He’s kind of a pale, pudgy guy who looks like a baby or a cat.” That’s probably what happened. That’s weird. I normally get told I look like other humans though. I, uh… In Utah, I always get told I look Mormon. I didn’t even know you could look like a religion. But apparently, I do. And I’ve done research. I don’t look like one of the founders of the Mormons. I don’t look like a present leader of the Mormons. I don’t even look like a guy who could have more than one wife. I just somehow look Mormon. Of course, the Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But for a while there, a Mormon man could have more than one wife. I don’t know if that was a selling point. ‘Cause I love my wife, and I can honestly say I don’t want another one. I feel like disappointing one person is enough. Could you imagine having two spouses mad at you? And you couldn’t drink coffee? No, thanks. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m picking on Mormons. Most organized religions have negative stereotypes. Luckily, I’m Catholic, so I don’t have to worry about that, all right. Sometimes people don’t believe me. Like, “Are you really Catholic?” “No, I’m just saying that to impress you.” “I wanna come across like I have good judgment.” At this point, it’s almost like Catholics are trying to lose followers. They’re like, “What else can we do? What else?” “Why don’t we make Bill Cosby pope? Let’s try that.” Catholics have made an art of shrinking their religion. Even back to the Great Schism of 1054 where the Eastern Orthodox and the Roman Catholics split apart, the Orthodox were like, “We wanna celebrate Christmas in January.” And the Catholics were like, “We like pedophiles.” I know. That one’s hard for me too. And then there was the, uh, Protestant Reformation. You didn’t even know this is a religion history class, did you? No, there was the Protestant Reformation in the 1500s when Martin Luther, who probably thought he’d be the most famous Martin Luther… Right? He was like, “That’s it. I’m the king of Martin Luthers.” “Don’t be surprised if one day, I get my own holiday.” No, Martin Luther, he had those 95 problems, but a bitch ain’t one, right? ‘Cause at the time, the Catholic church was super corrupt. Thankfully, it’s not anymore. Some Catholics get really angry. “You’re so critical of Catholic church, why you even Catholic?” Because I believe human beings are inherently flawed. That’s one of the reasons. But mainly, I’m afraid of my wife. Huh? I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with organized religion. It’s just the human interpretation, right? Most organized religions, God’s saying a similar thing. He’s like, “I want you to love one another.” And the humans are like, “Got it, got it. He said kill gay people, so…” “Let’s get to work.” As a result, all organized religions are struggling right now. Muslims, they’re killing it. Muslims are like, “Oh, Catholics, you think you can alienate people?” “Hold my hummus.” “Let me show you how it’s done.” I’m sure some of you are looking at me like, “Hey, Jim, you look like a former Hitler Youth.” “What are your views on Judaism?” “I’d like to see you destroy your career tonight.” Well, I’m not frightened. I’ll tell you what I think. I think Judaism is perfect. There’s nothing wrong with it. And I’d like to be in more feature films. That’s… That’s some, uh… That’s some good old-fashioned pandering anti-Semitism. Really, the only organized religion, without a negative stereotype, is Buddhism. Right? You’d think more Americans would be Buddhists. ‘Cause if you look at Buddha, he kind of looks like an American. Buddha looks like someone you’d watch the game with. “Buddha always gets a keg for the playoffs.” “Buddha! Buddha!” You know, in real life, Buddha was thin. He wasn’t even a big guy. They made him heavy to make the religion more appealing. ‘Cause at that time, being heavy was a sign of success. Also at that time, being lighter-skinned was a sign of success. So back then, I would have been like Jeff Bezos, so… Bezos. Who’s your favorite billionaire-pretend astronaut? Hmm? Can you believe there’s a choice? And it’s not between just two. We live in a day when billionaires are building their own rockets to fly to outer space, and no one’s saying, “Are you sure they’re paying all their taxes?” “‘Cause I know some teachers that need supplies.” It’s like these billionaires are trying to execute the plan of a five-year-old boy. “When I grow up, I’m gonna be a bazillionaire!” “And I’m gonna build my own spaceship!” “And fly to outer space!” “Okay, Jeffrey.” “But now it’s time for bed.” I almost feel sorry for the accountants of the billionaires. ‘Cause they were like, “You had an amazing year.” “You made 40 billion dollars.” “But I fudged the numbers so it looks like you broke even.” “As long as you lay low and don’t draw attention, we should be fine.” “You got anything coming up?” “I built a rocket…” “…to fly to outer space.” “You know I meant to lay low on this planet.” “Does it matter if the rocket’s shaped like a penis?” I do enjoy the reasoning of the billionaires for going to space. They’re like, “I’m going to outer space so eventually you can go to outer space.” “I’m going so you can go.” “I don’t wanna go to outer space.” “I wanna go to Italy.” Why don’t you work on that? I saw a hitchhiker recently. You never see that anymore. Of course, we no longer refer to them as “hitchhikers.” Now we call them “murderers”. Which is what they do. They murder the nice people that give them rides. Talk about a lack of gratitude. “Thanks for picking me up.” Stab. Hitchhiking disappeared ’cause it was dangerous for both participants. Right? The hitchhiker and the driver. And, you know, at one point, there must have been like a murderer driving around looking to pick up a hitchhiker, and he picked up a hitchhiker who was also a murderer. And the driver was like, “I’m gonna kill you.” And the hitchhiker was like, “I’m gonna kill you.” And I bet they had a laugh. I bet they laughed. And then slowly but surely, “they fell in love.” “And that’s what my musical’s about.” It’s called Hitched. Flew in Thursday, uh, driving from the airport, I saw this guy on a motorcycle and he looked so happy. You know, and whenever I see a motorcycle that’s on the highway, I always have the same thought. “You’re gonna die.” “What are you doing on the highway? You’re gonna die.” And the only reason I say that is ’cause they’re gonna die. I don’t even know what the thinking is. “Well, I have to travel a long distance.” “Should I take the car or this motorized chair with no seat belt?” “If I sneeze, I’ll never walk again.” “Live to ride.” And then die! I heard the motorcycle before I saw it. We’ve all heard those loud motorcycles. “Wow, how small is his penis?” And I didn’t know that’s the reason some motorcycles are so loud is ’cause they want you to know they’re gonna die. I have friends that love motorcycles. Some women are really into bikers. They’re like, “I just like a man who’s dangerous, who can’t afford a car.” “And who’s definitely gonna die.” But bikers are fascinating, right? What a uniquely American subculture. They’re all about macho independence, right? They’re all about the independence. Like, “I just wanna be out on the road, just me and my bike, alone, with 30 other guys.” “In matching outfits.” “Riding in tandem so close, we can French-kiss each other.” He’s gonna get beat up by a marching band and a gang of bikers. Bikers are grown men who make the same phone calls of an eight-year-old boy. “You guys wanna ride bikes tonight?” “Well, I don’t wanna go alone. It’s scary out there. Ask your mommy.” The reason that’s funny is ’cause bikers are so intimidating, right? They’re angry. Bikers seem angry, and I think it’s ’cause they’re cold. Right? That vest with no shirt? That’s gotta be chilly. “Oh, I wish I had a shawl.” “Shawl and my Uggs.” “Maybe a pumpkin spice latte.” That vest with no shirt is so common among bikers. Is there like peer pressure? “Look at Curtis over there, wearing a T-shirt under his vest like a girl.” “Let’s kick his ass.” “And then kiss him.” Occasionally, you’ll see a biker giving someone a ride on the back of their motorcycle, it’s usually a woman. Guys don’t wanna ride on the back. Mm. It’s hard to get a ride on the back of a motorcycle without giving an extended intimate hug. “Let’s get out of here, Virgil.” “You smell wonderful, Virgil.” “What is that, lilac?” “You’ve been doing sit-ups, Virgil?” During the summer, occasionally, you’ll see a bicyclist on the highway. See a cyclist on the highway, they’re always dressed like they’re competing in the Tour de France. “You’re losing!” “And you’re also gonna die.” Those bicyclists, they have to settle down with the helmet design. It’s all super aerodynamic. It’s like, “You’re not going that fast.” You’re riding a bike. You’re not in the movie Tron. And put on some clothes! What’s with the spandex? Are you on your way to wrestle Blue Man Group? How many Blue Man references you’re gonna have? You ever see a bicyclist on the highway and they’re not in spandex, they’re just in regular clothes? They look like they have a DUI. Should’ve Ubered. You never see a cyclist giving someone a ride, right? There’s no room. They’re already sitting on that door handle of a seat. “I’m just gonna sit here for five hours.” “I don’t know why I can’t have children.” Right, I’m going after the cyclist. What are they gonna do? Throw their baby bottle of water at me? “I’d chase you, but for no reason at all, I’m wearing cleats.” Are those cleats necessary? You’re in a Starbucks. “Do you have oat milk?” I think it’s interesting, people who ride bicycles are called “cyclists,” but people who ride motorcycles are called “bikers”? You know, that’s just the bikers bullying the cyclists. “Hey, we’re gonna take the name ‘biker.’ You can’t use it.” And the cyclist went, “Motorcycle doesn’t even have the word ‘bike’ in it.” “We don’t care.” “Also, we’re gonna dress like that guy from the Village People.” Sun-glass guy’s like, “Well, we were gonna do that.” “No, you’re gonna dress like rhythmic gymnasts.” “Okay.” Bikers and cyclists both dress like they’re on their way to a costume party. No other form of transportation has a uniform. You never see everyone on the cruise ship dress like pirates ’cause it’s not necessary. Bikers and cyclists, both on two wheels, nothing in common. It’s like they’re trying to be different. Even the placement of the handlebars… Some cyclists have handlebars in real tight, some bikers have their handlebars way up here. “Oh, this is comfortable.” “This reminds me of my Big Wheel.” “Now I know why I have my wallet on a chain.” You never see a unicyclist on the highway. You know why? ‘Cause they’re all dead. ‘Cause I killed them. You’re welcome. Is there any bigger attention-grab than riding a unicycle? I guess a pogo stick, right? What was the pitch for the pogo stick? “It’s a stick you can jump on twice and then fall on your face.” “Interesting. If you practice, do you get better?” “Not at all, no.” “I’ll take one.” But unicyclists, they act like they don’t want the attention. They always have that super casual look on their face, but their legs are so frantic. They’re always like… “Oh, hey, what’s going on, everyone?” “Oh, I’m not doing anything.” “Does anyone have three bowling pins I could juggle?” “I could annoy you with two unnecessary skills.” That joke takes way too much effort. Oh, you may have noticed that there’s a piano on stage. And, uh, some of you may be wondering, “Hey, why would Jim Gaffigan have a piano on stage?” And… What you may not realize is that I… do not play the piano. “Jim, that was…” “Really? Did he bring the piano just for that joke?” “That’s pathetic.” Good-looking crowd here. Wow. Very good-looking. Very good-looking crowd, huh? Well, not all of you, you know. Not all of you. But I’m not breaking any news, right? We know where we stand. Yeah, we learn from such an early age. Like, I remember kindergarten, the girls would chase the cute boys at recess, and let’s just say I didn’t do a lot of running. Or any running. I remember being five years old and going, “Oh, this is how it’s gonna be.” “I’m gonna have to write some jokes.” “And I’ll be hanging out with the fellas.” I still hang out with the fellas. All right, I had a friend during the lockdown who spent the entire time planning a guys’ weekend. Every time I talk to him, he would make it sound less appealing. “Dude, this is what we’re gonna do.” “We’re gonna rent a cabin for the weekend. Just guys, no women.” “I’m already out.” “No, no, no. Think about it. Just guys, no women.” “We’ll smoke cigars, play poker all weekend.” “Sounds horrible.” “You’re not thinking it through.” “Just guys, no women, for a whole weekend, like we’re in prison.” “I look forward to it.” Every year, my brother Mitch goes on a golfing trip with 30 men. Thirty men. They fly to Florida. They rent three houses. Ten men to a house. They play golf in the morning, they eat lunch together, they play golf in the afternoon, and then they go back to the houses, I don’t know, have sex with each other. I don’t know what they do. It sounds horrible. How much fellowship can you have? My brother is not gay and, obviously, I wouldn’t care if he was. But if he ever came out, he could be like, “I gave you so many hints.” “I literally vacationed with 30 men.” “We rented out a cul-de-sac.” “We played with sticks and balls all day.” “How clear did I have to make it?” I guess the point I’m trying to make is golf makes people gay. So… So the next time a friend says, “I’m going to play golf with the fellas,” just be like, “Enjoy.” No, I prefer mixed company. I do, you know. There’s a cliché that men are dumb and I have enough male friends to know that’s based on some truth. Every man in here has that friend that they occasionally look at and wonder how they hold down a job. And if you don’t think that about a friend, that means you’re the friend. Yeah. My friend like that is Ricky. He’s a great guy. Ricky and I, one time, we went axe-throwing. Don’t know if you’ve done that. Throw an axe, you drink a beer. You try and forget our democracy is in crisis and… At one point, Ricky turned to me and he goes, “Hey, before axe-throwing, what did they use axes for?” “Uh…” “Chopping wood?” He’s like, “Really?” And I was like, “Don’t talk anymore.” And like a good friend, I ran home, turned it into a stand-up bit. And I kind of forgot about it. Then, like a month later, Ricky called me out of the blue and goes, “I did it. I did it.” “I built my own axe-throwing range in my backyard.” Yeah, he’s divorced. And… Then he immediately starts bragging. He’s like, “Yeah, now, I could throw an axe 20 yards and hit a bullseye.” I’m like, “That’s impressive.” “You know when that’s gonna come in handy? Never.” He’ll be like, “Hey, you never know.” I’m like, “No, I do know.” Even if someone broke in your house and you happen to be holding an axe, you’re not gonna be able to say, “Hey, can you come 10 feet closer?” I like having women around for many reasons, not least of which is, they’re attractive and men are not. You know? Like when a guy’s good-looking, it’s like a fluke of nature. And you know what all attractive men have in common? They kind of look like women. Right? That’s the only way straight guys can tell who’s good-looking. “Wow, he must be attractive. He barely looks like a dude.” Women are attractive and compared to men, they’re very clean. Men are gross. And make very little effort to not be gross. Like, if aliens visited Earth, they’ll be so confused. They’ll be like, “The attractive feminine gender is taking an hour to get ready and those hairy beasts are just ready?” “No wonder this planet’s always at war.” Men are gross and as they get older, grosser. When women get older, they become more elegant. As men get older, they look like they’re decomposing. You ever seen an old guy with the shirt off? He looks like the first draft of a human. What is that, a Simpsons character? Because when men get older, things stop working. The synapses stop connecting. Normally, brain’s like, “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair on this guy’s head. “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair on this guy’s head.” But one month, the brain’s like, “Every month, I’m gonna grow hair everywhere but this guy’s head.” I have hair growing in parts of my body… I don’t need. Do you wanna know why older men grow hair on weird parts of their body? That’s nature’s way of saying, “You’re done.” “Stop mating or I’m going to turn you into a throw rug.” I have some body hair, not as bad as some men, which is a relief, ’cause as you can see, I did not win the genetic lottery. I am bald, blind and pale. It wouldn’t surprise me if I woke up tomorrow with a tail. “Have you seen the comic with the tail?” “He’s very pale and the tail even has a bald spot.” I saw a guy this summer at the pool, he’s probably 60, had his shirt off. Not a lot of body hair. All body hair. For a second, I thought they were shooting a GEICO commercial. This guy was… He was so hairy I had to stop my youngest son from trying to pet him. “Let him smell your hand first, son.” This guy was hairy and he was walking around the pool with the confidence like he’d spent a lifetime dealing with hairy situations. No one said anything, but everyone had the same thought: “Please don’t go in the pool.” “No one’s prepared to see you shake dry.” And this man walked right by everyone, and he sat down next to an attractive woman. And I was so impressed. That woman could look beyond this man’s appearance and focus solely on his wallet. Whoo! But we all wanna be good-looking, right? We all wanna be chased on the playground, right? Some people go so far as to get plastic surgery. They’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna sound desperate, but can you take a knife to my face?” “And make me pretty. Just keep cutting!” It’s kind of amazing more of us don’t get plastic surgery because we live in a beauty-obsessed society, right? There are studies. There was a Harvard study, that found that children believed good-looking people are nicer. That study also found that children are stupid. We definitely give good-looking people the benefit of the doubt. Like if a really attractive person’s quiet, we think they’re mysterious. If a fat person is quiet, we assume they’re thinking about food. And we are, we are, but there’s still a mystery. You don’t know what kind of food. All right, it’s cake. It’s always cake. But you don’t know what kind. All right, it’s red velvet. As a result, we just like being around beautiful people. You ever been out to eat and you have a waiter or waitress that’s really attractive? For a second, you’re like, “Wow, this is gonna be a good meal.” You ever have an ugly waiter, you’re like, “Should we leave?” I think that’s why buffets started. “You know what, I’ll get my own food. Thank you.” “I don’t need that mug near my entrée. You know what I mean?” “Jim, you’re a monster.” We follow good-looking people on social media, Instagram. Beautiful people have millions of followers and we like their photos and sometimes, we put a flame emoji. It’s totally socially acceptable. If you did that in real life, you’d go to jail. “Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?” “I’m following that lady.” “Uh, Can I ask why?” “I like to look at her.” “Can you give her this torch I brought her?” “And these prayer hands.” Everyone’s got to settle down with the prayer hands emoji. The overuse is ridiculous. Got a text from a friend, “See you at dinner. Prayer hands.” “No. No prayer hands. Are you not gonna make it?” “What are you suggesting? That we eat hands for dinner?” My wife is very good-looking. That’s right, I’m part of a mixed couple. It’s not fair. She’s good-looking, she’s smart, she’s creative. But you know what? Horrible taste in men. So it evens out. I’m happily married, but I would say, once a week, I catch my wife giving me a look, like, “I’m gonna have to let you go.” ‘Cause I disappoint her constantly. I do things that annoy. Like, here’s something I do that annoys my wife. I use the bathroom. I know. I shouldn’t, right? I get in trouble for not telling her I’m gonna use the bathroom. “You just disappeared. Where’d you go?” “I didn’t know I needed a hall pass.” I also get in trouble for telling her I’m gonna use the bathroom. “Uh, I’m gonna use the bathroom.” “Again?” “Are you okay?” “How many times is that today?” “You’re disgusting.” “What do you do in there?” “Mostly get away from you.” When my wife’s annoyed with me, she doesn’t give me the silent treatment. She’ll just take too long to answer a simple question. She’ll be standing a foot away, looking at her phone and I’ll be like, “What time do we have to do that school thing?” And she’ll just be like… “It’s in the calendar.” I’ll be like, “Uh, are you mad at me?” “No.” Recently, we learned that this couple that we’re friends with are getting a divorce. And not surprisingly, my wife was very upset. With me. I wasn’t surprised ’cause this wasn’t the first time something I had nothing to do with was my fault. Trump’s election, the Kavanaugh hearings, that was my fault. And I apologize ’cause I unconsciously planned the whole thing. Now, I would never describe my wife as crazy, ’cause I like to be married. But I do think it’s interesting that if a man calls another man crazy, it’s a compliment. “Here’s my buddy, Joey. He’s crazy.” Joey’s like, “Oh, you’re just being nice.” But if I was like, “This is my wife, Jeannie. She’s crazy.” I even get nervous saying that. She’s back in New York, but you never know. ‘Cause if my wife was standing here and I was like, “This is my wife, she’s crazy,” I’d be dead. And all of you would applaud. You’d be like, “Well, that was a teachable moment. Yeah.” “We learned something.” No, we’re hanging in there. By the way, if at the start of the pandemic, you were in a relationship and you’re still in that relationship, you should get money, right? Right? Because before the pandemic, if you’d hear of a couple splitting up, you were like, “Oh, no.” But during the pandemic, when you’d hear of a break up, you’re like, “Oh, of course.” You felt for the couples that stayed together. “You’re still together? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” “Co-dependency, huh?” ‘Cause it doesn’t matter how strong your relationship was. At one point during the pandemic, you looked at your partner and thought, “I think I’d rather have the coronavirus.” I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. Everyone had that moment where they’re like, “You know, how uncomfortable is that ventilator?” “I know I wouldn’t be able to talk, but does that mean I wouldn’t be able to hear her?” “Do they have a ventilator just for the ears?” “Jim, you’re a monster.” My wife’s an amazing mother. We have five children. Can you believe that? Five children. Thank you. Thank you. It is something I regret… …’cause there’s too many of them. There’s way too many. Sometimes at dinner, I just pretend I’m hosting a reality show… …called So You Think You’re Going To College. ‘Cause they all can’t go. They all can’t go, not if I’m getting that boat. I’m kidding. Obviously, I’m not getting the boat… not until I get a motorcycle, you know. My kids find me annoying. All children find their parents annoying, which is kind of ironic, given children essentially ruined their parents’ lives. Right? Parents give their children their time, their energy and their money, and we repay our parents with resentment. Have you ever seen an adult get a phone call from one of their parents? You’d think it was a debt collector. “Ugh. It’s my mom.” “Yeah, I know you took care of me for a quarter of a century, but now is not a good time.” “You know what wasn’t a good time? Giving up my dreams… …so you could be a general disappointment.” No, I would never suggest that children are God’s punishment for having sex. But an argument could be made. And he’s up there, “Oh, they’re enjoying that way too much.” “How can I get them to pray tomorrow?” I do love being a parent. It’s the most important thing I’ll do in my life. But it’s an insane proposition. You give your children everything. You give them everything and then just one day, they leave. They’re like, “See you! Thanks for nothing.” “I’ll let you know if I need help with a mortgage.” Sometimes they don’t leave, right? They just stick around. They turn into roommates. Not going to happen in my house. I already have a backpack for each of them. They’ve seen the bags, “What’s that?” I’m like, “When you turn 18, that’s your going-away present.” “Jim, you’re a monster.” I try to be a good dad. I feel like I make more of an effort than my father. My dad’s generation, they didn’t have to do anything. My dad never went to a parent-teacher conference. My dad didn’t even know I went to school. My father couldn’t be bothered to turn his head if something was happening behind him. “What the hell’s going on back there?” I don’t know if he couldn’t turn his head or if it wasn’t worth the effort. “What the hell is going on back there?” “Oh, we’re celebrating my birthday.” “Oh, keep it down. I’m watching Ironsides.” ♪ Happy birthday ♪ ♪ To you ♪ My children give me guilt trips I wouldn’t even contemplate. Like my daughter was in a play on Thursday and Friday, so I went on Thursday night and then Friday morning, she saw me with my rolly bag and was like, “Oh, you’re not coming to my show tonight?” I’m like, “You’ve never been to one of my shows.” “I do 300 a year.” My big plan was to teach my children responsibility by selling posters after one of my shows. So I texted my teenage daughter. I’m like, “Do you wanna sell posters after my show? I’ll pay you.” She texted back, “Great, sounds good.” Then I texted my teenage son. “Do you want to sell posters after my show? I’ll pay you.” He texted back, “No thanks. I don’t need the money.” He doesn’t have any money. He has my money. I just texted back, “You’re out of the will.” I’m kidding. He was never in it. If my father asked me to do something, he wouldn’t even stick around for an answer. “You wanna shovel the driveway?” Then he’d just leave. It was understood I was gonna shovel the driveway or move out. I was kind of frightened of my dad. My children treat me like some bank teller they reluctantly have to deal with. Once a week, they just appear in front of me. “Hmm… Mom said I could get a shark… …so I guess I need your credit card.” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” “He’s yelling again, Mom!” If my dad was in a room in the house, I wouldn’t go to that side of the house. “I’ll just pee outside.” And I had all these older siblings that used to send me in there to ask questions. “Go ask Dad if we can go to Dairy Queen.” “I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it.” “Go. You’re too young to kill.” “Dad?” “What the hell do you want?” “He said, no.” When I didn’t have kids, I didn’t understand my dad at all. By the way, if you don’t have children, none of this should make sense. Or even the concept of a Saturday night. When you don’t have kids, you’re like, “Saturday!” And when you’re a parent, you’re like, “Who can we pay to come to this house… …and watch this child?” And your standards drop so dramatically. Initially, like, “They should have a PhD.” And then you’re like, “Well, how long were they in jail?” “Murder? It wasn’t children, right?” “A Satanist? You’ll fit right in.” Any parent will tell you that, like, having children has enriched their lives. It’s exposed them to things they never thought they’d do. Like kids just… You end up doing things you never thought you’d do. Like for me, going outside. You ever go outside with real little kids? You don’t even know what to do with them. You’re like, “Well, I normally just drink out here.” “Who wants to play a game of nap?” It’s weird when your kids have a friend that you’re not a fan of. “Oh, Tommy’s coming over? Well, I’ll be leaving.” “You can text me when Tommy is gone… …’cause he’s immature.” I wasn’t prepared for all the activities kids have. You pick up your kid and bring them to an activity, then to another activity. And if they don’t have an activity, you have to think of one, or they’ll smoke meth. You’re always looking for an activity as a parent. I took my kids to Ripley’s Believe It or Not. I don’t know if you’ve ever been that desperate for something to do. What can I tell you about Ripley’s Believe It or Not? It’s mostly not. It’s not interesting. It’s not even a lot of stuff. It’s like they just emptied out some drifter’s storage unit. I do admire that business model, you know. Most businesses attempt to establish trust with the customer. Not Ripley’s. Like, “Believe it… or not. We don’t care.” “We know you’re not coming back.” I’m still getting used to having teenagers. Recently, my 17-year-old daughter told me that she wants to be an actor, which is so crazy ’cause when I was that age, that movie Dead Poets Society came out, which is an amazing movie with Robin Williams, where he plays this teacher who inspires these students to seize the day, right? And one of the students wants to be an actor. And, you know, he joins the play and he invites his dad to see the play and after the play, he tells his dad that he wants to be an actor. Dad’s like, “You’re not gonna be an actor, that’s stupid. Waste of time and money…” The kid’s so distraught he kills himself, and then the teacher gets fired and all the kids stand on desks… Anyway, it’s a great movie. No, now… now that I’m the parent of a teenager, I realized that dad in Dead Poets Society was right. I’m kidding. I know the point of the movie is, “Don’t be a teacher.” My wife hates that joke so much. My kids, I don’t know what they think. I don’t even think my kids know what I do for a living. Or I should say I didn’t think they knew what I did for a living till last Halloween. My 10-year-old, Michael, didn’t know what he wanted to be for Halloween, which is a crisis. If you’re a parent, you know this. Then, like, two days before Halloween, he ran up to me and he goes, “I know what I’m gonna be for Halloween.” “I’m gonna be a stand-up comedian.” And I was so touched. I was like, “Oh, my gosh, for Halloween, you wanna be your dad.” And he goes, “No, I wanna be John Mulaney.” Slap! Right across the face. Thank you so much, you guys. Appreciate it. That’s Mom and Dad.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Aziz Ansari: Nightclub Comedian (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-nightclub-comedian-transcript/

[tranquil drum and bass music plays] [comedian] We had a golden retriever. Yes, and you guys know me, I don’t see race, but I think we all know that’s a white dog. [audience laughs] Again, sit that one out. Sexting. As a dyslexic adult, sexting, that is the hurdle. I was dating a woman. She was a strong feminist. We would sext, and I obviously wanted to turn her on but I also wanted her to know that I was an ally. One time, she sent me a sext. She’s like, “How you gonna fuck me?” I’m like, “Like you deserve an equal wage.” [laughter] Thank you guys very much. [applause, whooping] Come on, you guys. Show your love for Phil Hanley. [clapping, cheering] Hell, yeah. Folks, I know I told you that Phil was the final comic, but this is why I always say when you make the choice to come to the Comedy Cellar, you always make a really good choice ’cause you never know who’s gonna stop by. Ladies and gentlemen, show your love for Aziz Ansari, y’all. Show your love. [loud applause, cheering] [applause, cheering continues] Thank you, thank you. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks. Thanks, thanks. No way! [audience cheers, applauds] [Aziz laughs] Oh, wow, wow. Thanks, thanks. Wow. Man. No, I… You know, I love doing these sets. You guys had no clue I was coming, and you don’t even know what I’m gonna do. You know, I could just be terrible for ten minutes and then go home, and I wouldn’t feel that bad, you know? Still a pretty good deal, right? [audience] Yeah! Yeah, I mean, I like doing nice theaters and everything, but sometimes, you gotta come back and compete with chicken wings. Ah, but it’s nice to be here. Nice to be back in New York. You know, I don’t live here no more. I live in London, and… [person whoops] Yeah. I like it there, but it’s nice to be back in New York. Always a lot of love for me here. Sometimes too much love, you know. The other day I went to a restaurant and there was a line. Everybody was checking their COVID passes and stuff. I walked up and the guy was like, “Oh, Aziz, you’re all good, bro. Just come on in.” And I was like, “No, no, no, no, no.” Please check my pass. Uh, I’m not out here trying to have dinner with Kyrie Irving and Nicki Minaj. I got an extra ten seconds. Please.” We’re all pretty close, man. You guys had to show your COVID pass, right? Yeah. Or your easily obtainable fake COVID pass. Who designed these things, man? Can’t we get the squad that did the McDonald’s Monopoly pieces? Those have so much more security. There’s like holograms and shit. You go into a McDonald’s, they’re like, “This isn’t Pennsylvania Avenue. Get this shit out of here.” COVID pass team was like, “White paper, black lines. I think we’re done, Jim.” I mean, in theory, we’re all vaccinated, right? At this point, like, 96% of doctors are vaccinated, and I feel like, at this point, if you don’t want the vaccine, you’re kind of like a white dude with dreadlocks. Yeah, I’m sure there’s some people telling you it’s a good idea, but pretty soon, the people around you aren’t gonna be able to breathe. I got… You know, I was in London and I got one shot of AstraZeneca, then I had to come to LA for something, and I called my doctor. I was like, “Should I just get the Johnson & Johnson?” He’s like, “Yeah, go ahead and get it so you’re fully vaxxed.” So then I got Johnson & Johnson, and then, recently I got a booster. I got a Pfizer. So, I got a lot going on. I’m like one of those DJ Khaled songs with way too many features. “Another one.” People go in on the folks that don’t want the vaccine though, right? Who’s that guy, a football player? Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. What do you think about that guy? [audience boos] [person] Fuck him. Fuck him! People hate that guy, though. “He’s a fucking idiot!” It’s like, all right. Calm down. He’s a football player. He read some articles, he got skeptical, he did some research. Are you stunned he came to the wrong conclusion? Did you really think he was gonna crack the case? Did you think Fauci was gonna be out there like, “I just got off the phone with Aaron Rodgers”? This poor guy. It’s like we’re all in high school and we’re making fun of the quarterback for doing bad on the science test. “You’re a dummy, Aaron. You’re a dummy. You don’t know anything, do you? You’re a dum-dum.” This guy makes a living getting hit in the head. Can we cut him a break? I guess he did kind of lie, right? They were like, “Dude, are you vaccinated?” He was like, “I… [blabbers] I’m immunized. I… [blabbers] My doctor gave me some powders from Jamba Juice and I…” He did come off a little arrogant in some of those interviews and stuff, right? He was out there, he’s like, “You know, I’m a critical thinker.” Oh, no. Was he, like, running the scientific method? “Question: Should I get the vaccine? Hypothesis: I don’t think so. Data gathering: Listen to some podcasts and talking to a few sketchy doctors. Conclusion: No way, José.” I don’t think he’s an idiot, though, okay? I don’t think him, Nicki Minaj, any of these people are idiots. I’m not here to say that, okay? And I just think they’re trapped in a different algorithm than you are. You know what I mean by that? And If you’re calling them idiots, you’re trapped in another algorithm. I know everything you’re gonna say about everything. “All these dummies. They’re taking horse medicine.” All right, well, technically, humans can take that medicine, all right? Yes, there’s nothing showing it actually helps with COVID, but when you just say they’re taking horse medicine, it pushes them further away. I don’t know, man. We just gotta figure out some way to have some empathy. We’re all kinda just trapped in our own little world. And unless we figure out how to talk to each other in real life again, it doesn’t matter what the problem is. I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe click on some of the stuff they click on for a few days. See what’s going on. Don’t go too hard, though. End of the week, you’ll be out there like, “Fauci’s a pedophile.” I’m just saying, this current strategy, just shaming people, isn’t gonna work. Like, you see these videos people make shaming anti-vax people? They take all their tweets and stuff. The video always goes the same way, right? It shows tweets like, “This COVID thing’s a hoax. I’m never wearing a mask. Fuck these mandates. Open everything up already. Oh, God, I just tested positive. I’m in the hospital.” And then their cousin writes, “They died.” And then the person that made the video is like… [triumphant laughter] Yeah, that’s gonna help. You know, my uncle didn’t get the vaccine, and he passed away. It was very sad. My dad talked to him four days before and was begging him to get the vaccine, and he didn’t want to do it. It was very sad. My dad has a lot of siblings. I was talking to my aunt and she was like, “I can’t believe one of us is gone.” It broke my heart. You know, I could hear it in her voice. How she felt it was preventable, like it didn’t need to happen. You know, I don’t think my uncle’s an idiot, all right? I just think he got… he got hit by this other thing we created now, which is a culture where the flow of information has been completely corrupted. Think about the biggest companies in the world. They’re all making money off information. So, of course, people are making money off disinformation. That’s why the skepticism is there. People are making money off of it. People aren’t normally this skeptical of the medical community. Think about all the crazy things you’ve done in your life, ’cause the doctor told you to. You never asked no questions. Look at Ice Cube. Ice Cube doesn’t want to get the vaccine. He was supposed to do this movie called Oh Hell No, which, sadly, we’ll never see, and, um… He was supposed to get the vaccine and he wouldn’t do it. But you know what’s weird? A few months before the pandemic, Ice Cube got a colonoscopy. [quietly] You know what a colonoscopy is? Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor. The doctor was like, “Hey, you got a problem in your stomach and we need to do a colonoscopy.” And he was like, “What’s that?” And they were like, “Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube. Basically, you need to drink a gallon of fluid and just shit out everything in your body. Just clean out your system, right? Next day, you come in, we’ll put you under, and we’ll shove a rubber hose up your asshole that’s got a camera on the end of it and we’ll go in there and film for a few hours and see what’s going on, and we’ll run some tests, and when we’re done, we’ll wake you up.” And he was like, “All right, well, do what you gotta do.” He didn’t say any of the shit he’s saying now. He wasn’t out there like, “I don’t understand the science.” He wasn’t out there like, “My butthole, my rights.” No. He was passed out with four strangers around him. They’re like, “We’re having a little trouble.” He’s like, “You can do it, put your back into it.” They were in there for hours. For hours! What were they doing? Filming a limited series? Does season two of Queen’s Gambit take place in Ice Cube’s large intestine? I don’t know if Ice Cube’s had a colonoscopy, uh, but… he’s… he’s over 45 years old. He should’ve had one. It’s… It’s a screening colonoscopy to make sure you don’t have colon cancer. So, let’s hope my joke is true. You know, one cool thing, you know, after lockdown and everything, a lot of people stood up for themselves. In terms of their job, they reassessed their lives and their work life, and, you know, they were like, “Look, man, if you don’t pay me right, you don’t give me these benefits, I’m gonna leave.” And the companies are like, “All right, then, leave. We’ll just get other people that aren’t as good at the job, and then everything in the world will be a little bit shittier.” And that’s what it is now, right? Like, everything is just a little bit shittier, like, everywhere. Like, there’s never enough people around. Everyone just running like, “It’s my first day!” Even here, tonight, things are a little bit shittier. There’s just not enough people. You know what I mean? Everything is a little bit shittier and, you know what, we fucking deserve it, ’cause we took all these people for granted, man. They all worked so hard, wasn’t getting paid proper, still not getting paid proper, and we just take ’em for granted. Of course they’re getting screwed over. We all know they’re getting screwed over, right? Think about it. How can you sell a cheeseburger for 99 cents? How can you do that? If I gave you 99 cents and said, “Make me a cheeseburger,” what the fuck would you do? They’re screwing everybody, from the guy in the meat factory to the guy that actually sells you the burger. And now, you got to admit, there’s no such thing as an unskilled worker. If you go to a Wendy’s and everything goes according to plan, there were some skilled people in that Wendy’s, ’cause now… now, you go in there, every Frosty comes with a free nugget, all right? I support all these people that are striking and all this shit, ’cause… I mean, God. I hope they bring ’em back and pay ’em proper ’cause it’s rough out there sometimes. You ever been out to, like, a Chipotle in Pennsylvania, like, right now? It’s intense. You go in there, it’s like the Chipotle got COVID. You go in there, just two dudes like… [screaming, groaning] “Give me the peas!” [groans] And then you walk up, you’re like, “Um, can I have some extra guacamole?” And they’re like, “We don’t have any guacamole! There’s an avocado shortage and our guacamole guy quit last week, and now he makes $50,000 a year doing guacamole videos on TikTok!” Sometimes, I wonder if I’m messing up at my job. Not the stand-up stuff. I’m talking more in a bigger sense. Every day, I look at the news, I see some article about some actor celebrity selling some company for hundreds of millions of dollars that has nothing to do with what they do. I’m not getting involved in any of this. I don’t have a beverage. No skin care line. Skin care? I could easily get into that. I’m Indian. I’m gonna have good skin. I could easily trick the whites. “Oh, it’s a coconut oil from my great grandmother’s village, and I’ve been… It’s how I maintain this youthful Indian glow.” All my friends in the industry, they’re hip to it. They all want a piece. No one wants to make The Chronic. Everybody wants to make Beats by Dre headphones. You ever see an interview with Drake or something? They’ll be like, “Drake, what’s going on with your new album?” “My new album? What about my new health care system? Yeah, I’m opening up OVO Hospitals all over the country. We’ve got nurses wearing OVO gear, we got the best doctors in the game.” Got a beat of all these doctors, like… ♪ I got my eyes on you ♪ I mean, I’m an okay comedian. I’m a terrible businessman. I’m up here for free right now. Kevin Hart would never be up here for free, okay? If Kevin were up here right now, it would be livestreaming to his new lawn mower or something. “Yeah, I’m partnering up with my friends over at John Deere and every time you mow your grass, a hologram of me pops up and I’m doing my new stand-up special. It’s called, Kevin Hart, Man, This is Crazy, I’m Doing Stand-up While You Mow Your Grass”! I’m not judging any of those people. It’s just not for me, you know. I remember, one time in my career, I felt like I was doing too much. I felt a little stretched thin, and I ran into Frank Ocean at a party, and I was like, “Frank, how do you do it, man? Never do any press, you barely tour, and you only put out your music when you really want to. What’s the secret?” And he said, “Oh, man, you just got to be comfortable making less money, that’s all.” And I was like, “Oh, shit. Make less money, you say? [breathes heavily] Never thought about that.” But I did. And I still do. You see me. I don’t do a lot of stuff. I just do the stuff I really care about, you know? And, Frank… Frank started a jewelry line, so I don’t know. Guess he changed his mind. “Oh, shit, I got too comfortable making less money.” Last time I was in New York, it was right before the election. That was an interesting time, right? Everyone had all this energy, you know. Everyone was out there like, “We gotta do something! We gotta stop Trump, and we’ve gotta save the planet! We gotta do everything we can!” And then, Trump lost, and it was like, “We did it! Let’s make the world a better place!” And I come back two years later. It’s the same shitty place. It just feels like we unfollowed him from Twitter. That’s it. You just see him less. You know what I mean? And I’m not saying him and Joe Biden are the same thing. Don’t hit me with that. I get him. Yeah, infrastructure, I know. I’m just saying, what happened to us? What happened to all that energy? How come we can’t channel that now, you know? Why aren’t we out there like, “We gotta help all these people after COVID. There’s so many people that are displaced.” No, people aren’t doing that. People are just out there like, “I wish I put more money in crypto.” “Matthias, are you going to that event tonight? There’s, like, this pop-up for this new collaboration that Travis Scott’s doing with, like, Citibank and Chips Ahoy and they’re selling these, like, limited edition Chips Ahoy designed by these, like, emerging artists, and, like, whenever you go, you get, like, this limited edition tote bag with, like, these limited edition T-shirts designed by these, like, eco-friendly emerging streetwear brands, and when you come home, the tote bag, like, turns into an NFT and, like, the NFT starts deejaying and it’s all sustainable.” You know who’s worse than Trump? All of us, just collectively, you know, the human race. If you really step back and look at us, kind of a shitty group of people, right? Like, what do you see when you step back? You see, like, 30 people, right? Twenty people are doing okay, and ten people are like, “We don’t have clean drinking water or much else. We’re having a hard time.” The other 20 people are like, “I don’t know, you live pretty far away. I’m not sure what you want me to do. You’re not really part of our crew, you know? I mean, I hear you, but, you know, I ordered groceries on my phone six minutes ago and they’re still not here, so… I’m hungry too. [exhales] You know, I got my problems. I washed my duvet cover the other day. I tried to put the duvet back on. You ever done some shit like that? You ever been putting the duvet on, realize the buttons are on the other side and you had to flip it out and start over again? Perspective.” It’s pretty dark if you just take a step back, and you really think about how much suffering and poverty and starvation and death we just tolerate ’cause it’s out of sight, out of mind. Even in our own country. Homelessness, et cetera, we could fix it all just like that. You know how I know? ‘Cause two years ago, people in rich countries started dying of a mysterious illness. And what did we do? We shut down the earth for two years! Every single one of us stayed in our fucking house every day. We didn’t even go to work. “No, don’t go to work! We’ll just send you money every week!” “What? But what if this keeps going?” “We’ll just keep sending you money every week!” “What if it’s six months, a year?” “We’ll just keep sending you money! Just stay in your house!” “You have that much money?” “Yes! Just stay in the house!” That’s how much we have. There’s a guy outside right now with a cup asking if anybody has a dollar to spare. We have so much. We just don’t wanna give it to him. Why don’t we wanna solve all these problems? One, it doesn’t affect us, and two, they don’t give us no content. We gotta have the content. Why did everyone get so riled up about Trump? Dude delivered the content. Say what you will about that man, the content was amazing. Day one he comes out, “I hate Mexicans.” I was like, “Oh, shit! This is way better than any of those Obama speeches.” I mean, it’s horrible, but very captivating. That’s why I’m so puzzled by these people that are like, “Fuck Joe Biden.” I’m like, “Based on what? I never even see this dude.” What are you mad about? Where’s the content? What, that time he almost fell once? What are you talking about? You hate Kamala Harris? I’ve never even seen her. I was so excited, she’s, like, Indian. There’s, like, more footage of Bigfoot than Kamala Harris, okay? This lady’s… I’ve never seen her. There was that one piece of content in the beginning where she’s like, “We did it, Joe!” And then she’s gone. She… She disappeared like the original mom from The Fresh Prince. [whooping] Gotta have the content. If you don’t have the content, you don’t have the Internet. You don’t have the Internet, you don’t have the culture. The culture decides what we actually end up doing, right? Some of these things I’ve been talking about, they’re too boring. Wouldn’t work in the system we have, right? You put them in there, be like, “If we just figured out clean sanitation in the developing world, we’d be able to… [blows raspberry] There’s a lot of sweatshop labor out there still, and if we could… [blows raspberry] Timothée Chalamet threw a boba tea at some Asian guy in Washington Square Park.” “Wait, what? Why did he do that? Does he not like Asian people? Then why is he drinking boba tea? That’s, like, an Asian beverage. What are in those gelatinous globules inside a boba tea? I have so many questions.” Next day, Chalamet drops a statement. “Oh, my God. To all my fans and everybody, I didn’t mean to throw that boba tea. I was walking in the park and I slipped, and the boba tea was dislodged from my hand and hit this poor gentleman in the face. I have no ill will to him or anyone in the Asian community or any community. I’m so deeply sorry.” [exhales] “I thought he was a good dude.” Two days later, though, video leaks of Chalamet. This dude didn’t slip. He was rearing back. He went in on this guy. “What the fuck? Did you see that clip?” “Yeah, that’s so messed up. I can’t believe it.” “Did you see that article that came out today?” “What?” “There was another article.” “What’d it say?” “Apparently, that wasn’t Chalamet. It was some other hipster dude and they did a deepfake to make it look like Chalamet.” “Are you serious?” “Yes!” “Is he still gonna be in Dune 2?” “I don’t know.” “What should we do?” “Let’s keep track of this and keep talking about it every day for two weeks, even though it has nothing to do with our lives.” And that’s us, man. We just live in the comments threads now. Doesn’t that feel like the last, like, ten years? We get sucked into one of these loops, we’re in there for a couple weeks, we get out, and we’re on to the next thing, spending all this mental energy on these things that end up going away anyway. Oof. That’s why it’s weird to me when people are like, “Oh, the vaccine’s gonna put a microchip in me and turn me into a robot.” It’s like, don’t you realize we already got got? You know, how much more robotic could we be? Don’t you know everything everyone’s gonna say about everything? You know, they already got us a long time ago, ’cause these companies making the money were thinking 40, 50 steps ahead. They’re way savvier than we give them credit for. Like China. China doesn’t go, “Hey, we’re working on facial recognition technology and we need your face.” No, ’cause everyone would be like, “No way, China. I’m not giving you my face. See, my face is my rights.” But China doesn’t ask like that. China goes, “Hey, wanna see what you’d look like when you’re old?” [laughing, clapping] “Me when I’m old? Well, yeah! What do I need to do?” “Just give us your face.” “Oh, cool. Take my face! Take my face! Take my face!” Clap if you feel like you’re on the phone or on your Internet too much. Clap if you feel that way. I mean, I’m clapping with you. That was damn near everybody. I feel it, man. Has anybody done anything to try to curb the amount of phone and Internet time? Raise your hand if you’ve done anything to try to stop yourself a little bit. What did you do, miss? I set a time limit. You set the time limit. I know this trick. A little screen time thing. Thing pops up. “You’ve hit your daily limit.” You’re like, “Get out of here! I’m still going!” That doesn’t work. What else do you guys do? Raise your hands if you do something else. Anything else? What do you do, sir? [person] Deleted Instagram. Deleted Instagram. Yeah, I did that. Like, seven years ago, I deleted all my shit from my phone and everything. I mean, I still have the accounts, but it’s not me, it’s some lady. Um… But, you know, I felt this thing. You know what I mean? I’ve been feeling this for a long time. And I’ve done all these things you are talking about, and I kept going further and further and further until where, now, I finally feel a little bit better. And you know what I had to do? I had to join Team Flip. [audience exclaims] Team Flip. It’s a bit extreme, but I tell you what, man. You get your mind back. You can see through the fog. You can go wherever you wanna go. You just gotta write down detailed directions before you leave your house. It’s tough to get around sometimes. I mean, I can’t do anything on that thing. I can just call people and text, and if I wanna text, I really gotta wanna say what I’m saying, ’cause it takes a minute. I’m on that T9 life. I just… I had to let go, you know? It was getting too much for me. I remember one time I had a moment… Maybe you had moments like this. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and it was when I had the smartphone and I was on speakerphone, talking to her. And then, um, you know, at some point, I was, like, reading stuff on the Internet and she was like, “What are you doing? Are you listening to me? Are you reading something?” And I was like, “Yeah.” She’s like, “What are you reading?” And I was like, “Ten things Sean Paul can’t live without.” She’s like, “What? I’m your mother. I’m calling you on the phone. That’s not very nice.” “You wanna know some of the things?” I was in my apartment last week and I was looking through these boxes and I found this old videotape and it was footage of me from 20 years ago when I’d been doing stand-up for just, like, a few weeks. This other NYU kid was doing a documentary about me and it was so wild. I was, like, in my dorm room, writing jokes in a little notebook and I took the NYU bus, came down to Washington Square Park, walked through the park, came down MacDougal Street and walked down those steps right here, and then I came on this stage. This very same spot. This is actually the first place I ever did stand-up in my entire life. And I realized, “Oh, man, that’s kind of exactly what I did today.” You know? I was in my apartment. I was writing some jokes. I walked all the way down here, got to the cellar. Let the manager know… [imitates button clicking] “I’m here.” [electronic music plays] How am I doing on time? All right, man’s giving me the twirl, so I guess I got… [audience] Aw. They want more! They want more. [clapping] Ay, ay, ay, actually, if you really want more, I’m running out of friends and I gotta bring three people every week. My name is Aziz. Come back… When, next week? Next week, say you’re here to see Aziz. [audience applauds, cheers] [mid tempo electronic music plays]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ali Wong: Don Wong (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-don-wong-transcript/

Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, put your hands together. Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong! Hi, everybody! We love you, Ali! Thank you. You know, I’m very jealous and bitter that when a man finds any ounce of mainstream success in comedy, they get to date models, actresses, and pop singers. One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics in the world. And for the past year and a half, she’s been dating a magician. I was like, “Okay, you know, no judgment, girl, but is he at least, like, a good magician?” “Is he, like, the best magician like how you are one of the best stand-up comedians?” I looked that dude up on Yelp, he got two stars. That’s what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you. A “ain’t shit” magician. See, because when you are a woman with money, power, and respect, your romantic options do not expand. They decline! Now, I am told it’s because men are threatened by women with money, power, and respect. What do you think is going to happen to you, huh? You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover? I bet most men in this theater have never, ever had your dick sucked by a woman that makes a lot more money than you. And let me tell you something. It is spectacular, okay? It is. It is. Why wouldn’t it be? If she got the skills to earn money, power, and respect, you don’t think she got good pattern recognition? Those skills transfer. You should feel so lucky, so flattered, so blessed and highly favored, if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked by a woman that makes a lot more money than you. Because out of all the things this important woman could be doing with her valuable time… Yeah. All of her responsibilities, all the interesting opportunities and deals knocking at her door, but no. She chose to get on her knees and stick your $40,000-a-year dick in her mouth… in your Toyota Yaris. But no. None of you, not a single man in here knows what it’s like to cum on the face of a millionaire. Sure, you’ve gotten head. But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind? Has your sperm swam in the eyes of an icon? Have you been deep-throated by a voice of a generation? I don’t think so! It’s highly unlikely that any man in here… Well, any straight man in here, knows what it’s like to cum on the face of a millionaire. First of all, how many female, self-made millionaires are there to begin with? And then out of that pool, how many of them gonna let you cum on their face? There’s three of us, okay? Yeah, I don’t even know who the other two are. You think Ellen gonna let you cum on her face? You think Oprah gonna let you go to Montecito and stomp on all her vegetables? I love to get cummed on, on the face. I do. Because it’s so nasty and is so easy. It is so easy, especially when you compare it to sucking dick, which is so physically taxing. The choking, the eyes watering. And if you really want to keep it 100, you got to add the pepper grinding. A lot, you know? Whenever I get a deep tissue massage, the masseuse is always like, “Do you sit and work at a computer all day?” I’m like, “No, I sucked dick last night.” “Now I can’t look to the left.” So in addition to all of that labor, when you suck dick, there is all of this performing and pretending involved. You have to tell all of these lies. “This is the biggest dick I’ve ever had in my mouth.” “I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet.” “Yummy!” But you have to tell the lies to make the man cum faster. The lies will set you free! But then when you get cummed on on the face, your only job as the woman is to make an enthusiastic expression. And then your other assignment is to not laugh… while this grown-ass man is straddling your rib cage, he looking down at you, you looking up at him, and you see him from this very unflattering angle where he got that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know? He all possessed by the Holy Spirit. “Look at me, Mommy, watch me, pay attention, look at me!” Young men in particular, they don’t like women with money, power, and respect, because they know you can’t tell that kind of woman what to do. Young men want a woman that’s chill. That’s a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about. “Bro, I’m dating this new chick.” “She’s so chill.” “She doesn’t give a fuck about what I do ’cause she’s chill.” “She lets me do whatever I want ’cause she’s dead inside.” “She’s chill.” “She’s like a corpse with tits. It’s awesome.” “She’s chill.” I have never, ever wanted to date a man that was chill. ‘Cause chill don’t pay the bills. My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect. My goodness, she is so smart and interesting, successful, and charismatic, and we all hope that he marries her one day. But he called me up earlier this week and he was like, “You know, Auntie Ali, I think I’mma break up with her.” “Yeah, because she’s a boss at work, and so she thinks it’s okay to come home and boss me around.” I was like, “Oh.” “Well, that shit’s gonna happen to you no matter what.” “Whether she a boss, whether she employed or unemployed, once you get married and have kids, your wife gonna boss you around.” “And you would know that if you watched House Hunters.” House Hunters is a show on HGTV where a couple pretends that there’s a decision to be made together. And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses, and the audience is meant to be left in suspense. “Which house are they gonna choose?” It’s whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay? And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho, or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed where houses cost $5,000 an acre… Barbara, she don’t got money, power, or respect. But Barbara is a woman, and all women are very good at being extremely unpleasant… and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage until we get what we fucking deserve, okay? Yes. That is a superpower that we evolved to compensate for our lack of earning potential. You can’t tell any woman what to do, so you might as well pick the bitch that will give you health insurance, okay? I know exactly why there’s a disproportionate amount of men that do stand-up. It’s all because of fan pussy. We call them chuckle fuckers. These poor, naïve women who get dickmatized when they laugh. And fan pussy is so motivating because fan pussy is young and sexy and exciting. Fan pussy is a great reward for doing stand-up comedy. And fan dick is frightening. Any man watching me, listening to what I have to say, and thinking to themselves, “I want to fuck her…” is a raging psychopath. And has extremely good taste. Fan dick is not interested in showing me a good time. Fan dick wants to trim my pubes and sew them into wigs for his antique doll collection. That’s why I don’t see more women doing stand-up. There is no reward, only danger and punishment. Lot of my male stand-up comic friends be hooking up with women, beautiful, gorgeous women, through the DMs. Direct messaging. I never check my DMs. And when I do, it’s only to see if Sanrio, the owners of Hello Kitty, have finally contacted me to offer sponsorship. Yeah. Come on! I think I’d be a great fit, and I want all of that shit. I want the Gudetama pajamas. I want the erasers that smell like the gum. And I want the gum that tastes like the erasers. I want all of that shit. But no. My DMs are full of these Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers. It’s these dudes who always have zero followers. Do you know anybody who doesn’t know anybody? They don’t even offer to take me out to dinner or lick my pussy. They just threaten to decapitate me if I don’t let them smell my feet. And it’s a shame, you know? It’s very disturbing, this disparity in quality between fan pussy and fan dick. It is so upsetting to a person like me. Because I think about cheating on my husband… every five minutes. I haven’t done it yet. Not because I’m a good person, only because no worthy opportunity has presented itself. My mom doesn’t understand, she can’t relate to these feelings of wanting to fool around outside of your marriage, because she’s an immigrant woman who was born in 1940. Her world is a lot smaller than mine. The only men my mother has ever had an actual conversation with are my brother and my dad. That’s it. I, on the other hand, have met the entire cast of The Avengers. And I want all of them to cum on my face. I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. Having two C-sections and being the breadwinner of my family has turned me into a 50-year-old man. I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago. That is some 50-year-old man shit right there. What had happened was I, all of a sudden, got extremely bloated over a very short period of time. And it was so extreme to the point where I thought I was pregnant again. And I took a test, and it was negative. And then my OBGYN became very concerned that I was showing symptoms of ovarian cancer, because it runs in my family. And so then she ordered a CT scan, and the results came back. And she said to me, “Okay, Ali.” “Well, you know, the good news is that you don’t have ovarian cancer, okay? And then…” “The bad news is that, Ali, you are full of shit.” “Stop giggling, Ali, stop it. This is serious, okay?” On the report, the radiologist wrote, “The results are remarkable.” Which, to me, seems like the radiologist gave me an A++. She was like, “No, that’s bad.” When the radiologist writes “The results are remarkable,” what that translates to is, “Oh my goodness, I don’t understand how this tiny Vietnamese mom fit this football field of doo-doo inside of her body.” “I have never seen this in my 30 years as a radiologist, and I cannot wait to text screenshots of this to all my radiologist friends.” So then a GI specialist was called in, and I saw her look at the results, and she went like this. And then she turns to me and says, “Miss Wong, I am so sorry that I gasped in front of your face.” “That was so unprofessional of me.” “I know exactly who you are.” “Please do not talk about how I just did that on stage.” “But, you know, I have to admit that I’m clearly alarmed by what I see here.” “You are backed up well into your small intestine, and I’m almost certain that there is some sort of mass, and most likely a tumor that’s causing all of this blockage.” “So we’re going to have to perform a colonoscopy to see what’s going on in there.” I was like, “Why? You guys just did a CT scan.” And she was like, “Yes, it is true that the whole point of a CT scan is to see inside of your body, but the lasers couldn’t penetrate the Great Wall of Shit that’s inside you.” “And they just ricocheted and bounced back into the machine, and now the machine is shook, so… we’re going to have to stick a camera up your ass.” And I was so nervous. But what I didn’t know was that right before the procedure, they give you propofol. And I have to say that as a working mother of two… getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour… was well worth having a news crew up my butt. It was luxurious. When I woke up from the colonoscopy, I was like, “I want another colonoscopy.” And then it turned out that my colon was perfectly healthy, and I figured out that what caused that huge traffic jam was the summer before, I was shooting this movie called Always Be My Maybe. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it was a big-ass deal because it was the first movie I had ever co-written and starred in as the lead. And I worked on it for 12 hours a day, every day for six weeks straight, and I was so busy that I forgot to take a shit… for six weeks. The movie shot in Vancouver and in San Francisco, and I have no recollection of shitting in Vancouver or in San Francisco. I just straight up forgot. Something like that would never happen to a man. Men, you never forget to take a shit ever. Ever. How could you, when you sit on the toilet and have your sacred ritual every morning to summon the shit? You sit there from 8:00 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. You sit there with all of your reading materials, your iPad battery just burning up the sperm in your balls. You sit there at the most crucial time of the day, when your wife and kids need you and the bathroom the most. You sit there to avoid reality and all of your responsibility in life. You’re too scared to ask your wife for alone time, so instead you just passively-aggressively take it by chasing your wife and kids out of the bathroom with the stank of your selfish-ass shit! Women, we don’t do that, okay? We have too much guilt and shame to sit there every morning at the same time to summon the shit. Instead, the shit comes to us at the most inconvenient time of the day. When we’re in the middle of a meeting, or onstage taping our third Netflix special. But when you feel that first turtle head peek out, you gotta squeeze your butt cheeks in, suck the poo-poo back up into your generous, loving, self-sacrificing soul. But then at some point, you gots to go, and then it’s an emergency. It’s always an emergency when a woman finally takes a shit, and that’s why every woman’s public restroom looks like a post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare, where there is blood on the walls and pizza on the record player. My life has changed dramatically in the past seven years. Seven years ago, I pressured the shit out of my then-boyfriend to propose to me. Every day, I was in his ear… “When you going to ask me to marry you?” “I’m not gonna wait forever!” “Everybody wants this pussy.” Nobody else wanted this pussy, but I had to make up these fairy tales to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know? It was crazy, but my wish came true. He proposed, we got married. We bought a house, had two kids. Fast-forward to seven years later, present day, I’m like, “I don’t know why I did that.” I think that what happened was at the time, my future in comedy was looking very uncertain, you know? I was really struggling. Like, I was eating cough drops for dessert. It was so sad. And I panicked. I was like, “I don’t know if I can make it in this world on my own.” “So I better trap this dude who graduated from Harvard Business School so that I don’t end up homeless.” But now, I know that I can make it on my own. So I kind of want to just be on my own. Only other married people with kids can empathize with the deep envy I feel towards you single people, okay? You don’t know how free you are. You can eat an edible at 2:00 p.m., go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth. You don’t gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish, and toy cellphones. You can just go with what’s in your pockets. You single people, you don’t know what it’s like to eat a cold quesadilla that your toddler threw on the floor, because it’s easier to put it in your mouth than travel to the trash, while you repeat to yourself over and over that child abuse is illegal! You single people, if you’re romantically involved with somebody, and then all of a sudden, that somebody reveals a personality trait that you don’t like, you could just leave. Move to another city and never see their stupid face again. Because you didn’t make a promise in front of your grandma and all your coworkers and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot. You didn’t fuse your DNA to create human life that will forever ask you, “Where’s Daddy?” You single people, you don’t have to go on a playdate, which is basically a blind date that your toddler sets you up on… with some bitch you have zero chemistry with. You single people, you don’t have to be nice to your mother because you need her for babysitting. You don’t have to smile and listen to all of this unsolicited parenting advice from this woman who neglected the shit out of you… because you want time to yourself to binge Bridgerton to feel alive again. Like you single people, I, too, was once free, okay? And then like an idiot, I asked this dude to ask me to go to prison. And now I’m in monogamy jail, and I don’t know how to get out. Monogamy made sense when we lived until we were 40 years old. Yeah, I’m 39 right now, so if you told me that I had to do this shit for another year, I’d be like, “Yeah, I could do that.” “I can rub it out to Aquaman for another year, it’s fine.” “It’s no big deal.” But as an Asian woman, I’m gonna live until I’m 95 years old. That’s not even a joke, okay? that is statistically probable. My husband and I are the same age. He’ll most likely die when he’s 85. So between 85 and 95 is when I’m morally allowed to fuck other people again. It’s too late. ‘Cause at the age of 75 is when Asian women finally turn into an owl. You know what I’m talking about. Their tattooed eyebrows turn green and shit. They go bald, and then the few strands that are left, they perm the shit out of to make it more Jhirmack “bounce back.” And then they become obsessed with dried jujubes and just walk around in down jackets all day like this. I want to fuck other people now… before I metamorphosize into a nut sack with a visor. You want to cheat with me? You want to fuck around with me? You better give me two weeks’ notice, okay? ‘Cause you gotta give me time to go shopping for new underwear. I’ve been with the same dude for the last 10 years. So all my underwear looks like it’s been snacked on by rats. Just looks like wardrobe from Les Miserables, okay? Like a tattered sail of a pirate ship. The elastic? Gone. So the crotch area hangs about five inches below my actual pussy, like a Indiana Jones suspension bridge, like a hammock in the Blue Bayou, okay? You want to fuck around with me? Let me know, so I got time to go to Target and get that sweet five-for-20 Xhilaration panty deal. Merona, whatever’s on sale. In our society, there is no word for a male mistress. That’s how taboo it is for women to cheat on their husbands. The only word I’ve ever heard is sancho, yes, because Mexican women cheat on their husbands, because their culture is mucho más mejor. Es la verdad, okay? It is. I’ve been saying this about Mexican people and Mexican culture for a long time. I’m like the Little Mermaid. I want to be part of your Telemundo, okay? Yes. Si se puede, con permiso, let me in. Come on. I like Fabuloso, okay? I like storing my pots and pans in the oven. Yeah. I like squeezing lime juice on everything. I like hickeys. I love hickeys. Generally, our society is very unforgiving of women who cheat on their husbands, and at the same time, it’s so forgiving of men who cheat on their wives. Somehow money, power, and respect will earn a man the right to cheat. People will come to his defense and say, “Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?” “He is so awesome, he deserves to cheat.” For women, no matter how much money, power, or respect you earn, you are never allowed to behave badly and get away with it. But that’s all I want to do. I want to have it all. I want to have a family, a career, and a side piece. The greatest trick women ever played on ourselves was making us believe that having it all was limited to having a family and a career. I got both of those things. Newsflash, it’s not enough. Necesito más. I don’t just want equal pay, I want equal pleasure. But it would be very threatening if all women wanted and felt like they deserved that, because then a bunch of women wouldn’t be available to helping their husbands make their lives as easy as possible. Do you know how much more successful I would be if I had a wife? Some loving, devoted woman by my side who bought a bunch of fruit besides bananas? And put the duvet cover on the duvet? People don’t like it when women cheat, you know, and they’ll really turn on you because they feel betrayed, especially if you’re a mom. It’s too contrary to your wholesome, loving image. And that’s why I’m trying to let all of you know now… that I’m a real piece of shit, okay? I want you to really listen to me and understand this and believe me, so that you’re not shocked or surprised, so that you don’t abandon me when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan… while I chant, “Wakanda forever!” I think another reason why a lot of women are hesitant to cheat is because it’s too high stakes to put your family, your reputation, your life as you know it on the line, all for the probability that you most likely will not have an orgasm. Very difficult to make a woman, especially a new woman, cum. It’s so annoying. It’s a design flaw. There’s too many factors. There’s too much shit that has to align. The lighting, the temperature, the news. You can’t be all up in your head about the global supply chain being backed up. I don’t deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points and I still don’t understand what cryptocurrency is. Who can cum in times like these? So in order for a woman to cum, all this shit has to align, right? And then on top of that, the dude got to have skills. He gotta have great timing. He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft and romantic and tenderoni in the beginning… and then get real rapey by the end. In, like, a consensual way, of course. But a lot of dudes, they fuck that timing up, right? They come out the gates guns blazing, like Braveheart coming over the hill, just… “Mortal Kombat!” And you’re like, “Okay, I’m bleeding and… think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor, and now it’s lost with the dust bunnies.” And then some dudes, they do the opposite, right? They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy… Close your eyes Make a wish …throughout the entire course of the sex, and it’s like, “Nah, dude. In the last 30 seconds, I need you to put me in a headlock and say racist shit to me. Okay?” “Yeah.” “Yeah, I want my eyebrows to fly off my face, and I want you to degrade me until I go deaf and mute at the same time.” “You gotta shape-shift, bro.” Nothing more satisfying to a woman then when a man goes through a sudden and extreme transformation that she is responsible for. You know, would be such a shame to go through all that trouble of cheating to end up having to fake an orgasm. In fact, I don’t think any of us women should be faking orgasms anymore. Yeah. No more faking orgasms. I mean, you really think about it, that is some nutty-ass shit that we women do. That’s a skill that you taught yourself. That wasn’t passed down to you from your mother. You taught yourself to do that shit out of survival. And it is wildly indicative of how terrified we women are of offending a man, that we would rather fake an orgasm than simply say… “Hey, I just want to go home.” “This is so not awesome.” “And I feel like I’ve really tried to tell you where to put it, where not to put it, how fast, how slow, and you straight up just don’t listen, you know, so… I’d really like to just go back to my house and fold clothes.” Men are so much more incentivized to cheat because you’re going to cum no matter what. It’s so easy for a man to cum. All you need is a wet hole. You don’t even need that! Men love to jerk off in front of women all the time. I’ve seen, like, 70 men jack off in my lifetime. Men love to show you their masturbation practice. But for me, you know, if a man is not performing at the caliber I need him to perform at, I’m not all of a sudden going to leap onto his neck and start fingering myself over his face, you know? Like, “Oh, you have erectile dysfunction?” “No problem. I got it.” “Let me just dangle my pubes, my long-ass pandemic pubes over your forehead and squirt into your nose hole. You don’t like it?” “Who cares? Who’s gonna believe you, you young, powerless boy?” I’d be like, “What the fuck am I doing?” So if you haven’t seen the movie, it’s a romantic comedy… where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend. And in the movie, my character hooks up with three different, very good-looking, very iconic, very sexy Asian American men. I know, it’s like, who wrote this thing, right? Like… Whose idea was this? And while shooting, all of my girlfriends kept on asking me, “Okay, Ali, on the DL, you gonna hook up with one of your costars?” You know, I came this close… to fucking the food consultant. It was this 29-year-old Persian dude who had tattoos all over his arms and his chest, and when the wind blew, oh my God, he was so ripped, you could see everything. You could see the King’s Hawaiian, you could see the cum gutters pointing you straight to the kingdom of heaven. You could see it all, you know? And we spent one Sunday morning butchering 18 raw chickens. That shit was like the “Unchained Melody” scene from Ghost… but with salmonella. He had his arms wrapped around me, and I almost sliced my hand off, because I could feel his 29-year old dick getting hard up against my spine. Yeah. See, the pussy can fake a orgasm, but the dick don’t lie. I felt that biology and that truth right up against my back. I did not feel violated. I felt victorious. I did. As, like, a 39-year-old woman with two C-section scars, I was like, “Oh my God, I am so powerful.” “I changed density, motherfucker, what!” “I am a wizard! I’m a blood bender! I could be in Avatar.” “Let’s go, Appa. Let’s go find Zuko and make out! Let’s go!” And I went back to my hotel that afternoon and I pull down my pants, and my underwear… looked like the bottom of a bird cage. It’s a mystery to me why Hello Kitty hasn’t contacted me yet, you know? It’s like, come on, what’s up? When I saw that in my underwear, when I saw those loogies, I was like, “Oh my God, I still got it!” There is still supply, given that there is fresh demand, okay? If you don’t understand the supply and demand metaphor, what I’m trying to tell you is my body still produces pussy juice, people. Okay? And it was good pussy juice too. It was sparkly and glistening. Viscous but not too pasty. Pungent but not too dank, it was… It was. I took a little fun dip in there, that shit tasted like LaCroix Pamplemousse. It was quality. It could’ve sealed up all the holes in my underwear like Gorilla Glue, it was… You know, as much as I would love to cheat on my husband, I cannot afford to get a divorce. I can’t, you know? The reality is, I need my husband way more than he needs me. It is ten times harder to find a decent husband than it is to find a great wife. It’s so fucking annoying, you know? I’m almost 40, so I have all these, like, acquaintances getting divorced right now. All these women, they keep coming up to me… “Ali, it is so difficult dating out there for a divorced woman.” “None of these men can handle me, a strong woman.” “None of these men want a strong woman.” I’m like, “You’re an annoying woman, but…” I do believe that it’s slim pickings out there, you know? And then these women, they keep telling me about their battle and how ugly it is, how they’re fighting for full custody of their kids. I’m like, “Why?” Even half custody sounds like American Horror Story. I can’t let go of my husband, you know? He’s very handsome, he’s very sexy, he’s very much my type. I have a very specific type. I like dudes who look as close to Keanu Reeves as possible. Yeah. And that’s my husband, straight up. He’s so good-looking, he’s so interesting. He speaks three different languages. He introduced me to mushrooms and ayahuasca, changed my life. So in addition to being my husband, he’s also my drug dealer. I can’t lose that Shaman connect, you know? My husband’s so smart. He went to Carnegie Mellon, Harvard Business School. He’s a Fulbright scholar. He was smart enough to choose me, to invest in me, when I was 20 pounds heavier, had chronic acne and no money. He bought low. And if we get divorced, he going to sell high. I can’t let him get away with that! So my husband, he’s all of these wonderful things, right? But most importantly, he gives me permission to be myself. Which perhaps, for a wild, untamable spirit, is the most important quality to find in a man. But people think it’s so difficult for my husband to do something so simple as giving me permission to be myself. They always ask him, “Oh my God, how do you feel about your wife Ali going up on stage in front of all of these strangers, talking about how much she wants to cheat on you?” You know, right now while we’re all here, my husband is at home in the house that I bought… telling time on the Rolex I got him for Father’s Day… jacking off to porn that he streams on the high-speed internet I pay for every month. So, he always tells me… “Yeah, you go ahead, you know you…” He doesn’t give a shit about what I say on stage because he’s too busy living the life I wanted for myself. I’m the one leaning in while he is lying down. And now that I’m the clear breadwinner, he don’t choke me like he used to. It’s too high stakes if I die. I’ll be like, “Harder, come on, harder!” And he’ll be like, “But I really want a PS5.” “It’s all sold out, and the waitlists and the ports are all full.” People like to assume that because my husband is very spiritual and because he’s Asian American, that he’s some kind of softy, when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel. He is a motherfucker. And whenever we get into an argument and I raise my voice, he’ll look me in the eye and say to me, “Oh, you don’t talk to me like that.” And then I’ll be like… “I’mma suck your dick.” “You put me in my place again.” “And then you give me permission to be myself, and then you tell me what to do, and then you celebrate me.” And that, single people, is what a healthy marriage looks like, okay? I’ve been Ali Wong, have a good night, everybody. Thank you!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Trevor Noah at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner 2022 | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-white-house-correspondents-dinner-2022-transcript/

Great. I got a promise I will not be going to jail. I’ll switch things up now. Let’s see how we do this. How’s everybody doing tonight? You guys good? Everyone good? [cheers and applause] First of all, thank you so much, Steve. Good evening, Mr President, First Lady, members of the media, and all the men relieved that Ronan Farrow isn’t here tonight. It is my great honor to be speaking tonight at the nation’s most distinguished super-spreader event. No, for real, people, what are we doing here? Let’s be honest. What are we doing? Like, did none of you learn anything from the Gridiron dinner? Nothing, huh? Like, do you read any of your own newspapers? I mean, I expect this from Sean Hannity. But the rest of you? What are you doing here? You guys spent the last two years telling everyone the importance of wearing masks and avoiding large, indoor gatherings. Then the second someone offers you a free dinner, you all turn into Joe Rogan, huh? I mean, Dr Fauci dropped out. That should have been a pretty big sign. Fauci thought it was too dangerous to come tonight. Pete Davidson thinks it’s okay. And we all went with Pete. Okay. Alright, then. Now, for those who don’t know me, my name is Trevor Noah, and I’m really honored to be here, honestly. You know, because you could have picked any comedian. You could have invited anyone, but you went with the South African variant, very on theme. I appreciate that. And COVID risk aside, can I just say how happy I am that this event is happening again, for the first time in three years. Yeah. And the truth is, I want us all to have a good time tonight. So, please, everyone relax. I know everyone in this room is worried about who catches you laughing at what, but just chill. Just chill. We’re celebrating. We’re out. You know? Get comfortable. Not too comfortable, Jeffrey Toobin — not too comfortable. No, you know what? No, don’t “ooh” him, you bunch of haters. You know what? So what, Jeffrey? You made a mistake. You whipped it out in front of your coworkers. That’s the first step to winning a Grammy for comedy album of the year. You’re halfway there, my friend. You don’t let the haters stop you. We all come back from mistakes. Now, you might have noticed, I’m gonna be telling some jokes tonight. But I want you to understand. I’m not here to tear anybody down, okay? Yeah, I might roast you gently, you know, like a pair of testicles on a Tucker Carlson special, but I’m not doing this just for the attention, alright? I’m a comedian. I’m not Kyrsten Sinema, alright? And, by the way, give it up for Kyrsten Sinema. Whoever thought we’d see the day in American politics when a senator could be openly bisexual, but closeted Republican, huh? That’s progress. That’s progress. And yes, I know a lot of you are worried, and yes, it is risky making jokes these days. We all saw what happened at the Oscars. I’ve actually been a little bit worried about tonight. I won’t lie. What if I make a really mean joke about, like, Kellyanne Conway, and then her husband rushes up on the stage and thanks me? I just hope we all stay calm, because it is exciting to be here, even though some people don’t think this dinner should even exist, as you said, Mr President, because some people think this shows that the media is too cozy with politicians. But what those people don’t understand is that you guys have integrity. You would never allow personal connections to affect your ability to be good journalists. Isn’t that right, Chris Cuomo? Where is Chris, by the way? Is he here? Couldn’t make it? Oh, by the way, before we really get going, a few quick announcements. Anyone here who is a Democrat in a swing district, I’ve been asked to remind you not to hand your résumé to the cable-news execs at your table until after the event, please. Thank you very much. Also, a quick note before people order their Ubers home tonight, Governor Greg Abbott is generously providing free buses for the Telemundo table. Very classy, very classy. But, man, what a room this is, huh? Look at this room. Everyone is here tonight. We’ve got politicians. We’ve got the media. We’ve got celebrities, basically anyone who’s been to Jeffrey Epstein‘s island. This is an exclusive event. In fact, coming in, I heard Meghan McCain telling the bouncer, “Do you know who my father was?” And they were like, “You have a ticket. You can just come in.” But she insisted on telling them who her father was, anyway. And I’ll tell you, as somebody coming from Africa, I mean, I’ve just got to say this is so exciting to be at this swanky party full of Washington’s most powerful people. It’s not as exciting as Madison Cawthorn made it sound, but still very sexy, very, very sexy. There’s many big names here tonight. One of my favorites, Ron DeSantis, is here. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, I’m actually surprised that he found the time. He’s been so busy trying to outmaneuver Trump for 2024. I see you, Ron. I see you, player. Yeah. I’ve seen what you’ve been doing, blaming Trump for the lockdowns, distancing yourself from the vaccines that Trump created with his own two hands. [as President Trump] Nobody knew how to make vaccines until I made them, beautiful, beautiful vaccines. Nobody know how, not even Fauci. [normal voice] But Ron, Ron is playing it coy, man. He won’t even tell people if he got the booster, yeah. Or as they say in Florida, don’t ask, don’t tell. Am I right? I see you, Ron. You see, what I like about Ron DeSantis is if Trump was the original Terminator, DeSantis is the T-1000. You’re smarter than him. You’re slicker than him. You can walk down ramps, yeah. Because, you see, Trump said he won the election, but everyone was just able to look at the numbers and see that he was wrong. That’s why Ron DeSantis is one step ahead. First, you ban the math textbooks, then nobody knows how to count the votes. Boom, my man. Ha ha ha! What a room. Are you kidding me? The great chef, José Andrés, is joining us here tonight. Give it up for him, people, my good friend in the room. Whenever there’s a disaster anywhere in the world, Chef José is there, which I guess is why he’s sitting at the CNN table tonight. Now, of course, the real reason that it’s such an honor to be here tonight is that we all get to be in the same room as the most powerful man in the United States. So, let’s give it up for Joe Manchin, everybody. Where is he? Is he there? Good to see you, sir. Good to see you. No, for real, for real, though, Mr President, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me here. I was a little confused about why me, but then I was told that you get your highest approval ratings when a biracial African guy is standing next to you. [as President Obama] So, let me just say, Joe, I’m glad that I could do my part and, hopefully, this will work. [normal voice] I’m not actually him. I just did the voice. More importantly, First Lady, Dr Jill Biden, is here, everybody. Give it up for her. Interesting fact, even as First Lady, Dr Biden continued her teaching career. Yeah, the first time a presidential spouse has ever done so, ever. Congratulations. Now, you might think it’s because she loves teaching so much, but it’s actually because she’s still paying off her student debt. I’m sorry about that, Jill. Yeah, I guess you should have voted for Bernie. You know, sir, can I just say? I think everyone will agree that it’s actually nice to, once again, have a president who’s not afraid to come to the White House Correspondents Dinner and hear jokes about himself. I’ll be honest. I’ll be honest. I’ll be honest. If you didn’t come, I totally would have understood because these people have been so hard on you, which I don’t get. I really don’t. I think ever since you’ve come into office, things are really looking up. Gas is up. Rent is up. Food is up. Everything. No, it really has been a tough first year for you, Mr President. And, surely, you must be a little worried about 2024. There’s a lot of passion on the Republican side. There really is. It’s going to be an interesting time. And, as you all know, President Biden’s lack of a filter does get him into hot water sometimes. Last month he caused a huge international incident saying that Vladimir Putin should be removed from power. It was very, very upsetting to Russia. Yeah, until someone explained to them that none of the stuff Biden wants actually gets done. But despite some hiccups, President Biden has led the country through some really dark times since he took office — the COVID pandemic, the war in Ukraine, the launch of CNN+. And don’t forget. Don’t forget. Don’t forget. He’s also had some major legislative successes in his first year in office, I might add. He got a bipartisan infrastructure bill passed that would do everything from fixing America’s roads and bridges to modernizing school buses, which Matt Gaetz‘s girlfriend is very excited about. Don’t boo love! Not to mention, no President in my memory has given more marginalized groups opportunities. I’m talking about women, the LGBTQ community, the Taliban — the list goes on and on. And I know, Mr President, that the left is super upset at you, but I think that they should be happy to know that you just recently announced that you’re proposing a new 20% minimum tax on the super wealthy. And I will say, President Biden, that you are a big man here, a really big man. You could have targeted Donald Trump, but instead you chose to only raise taxes on billionaires. That was big of you. Really nice. Prove me wrong. Show me the taxes. So, personally, I think that President Biden could do a better job of taking credit for the things that are going right. Unemployment is currently at 3(point)6%. Think about that, people, 3(point)6%. 2% if you don’t count the Cuomo family. And I will say, President Biden came into office and he’s done well and he’s done badly. And in this room, I know there’s a lot of mixed reviews. There was a lot of talk about how the President really respects the press, but what has he really done for you guys, huh? Think of all the journalists whose careers have been hurt by the Biden presidency. People like Daniel Dale. Used to be CNN’s star fact checker, on TV every day. But now there’s barely anything to check. Same for Glen Kessler of The Washington Post. On the way here, I saw him on the street offering four Pinocchios for a dollar. Mr President, that’s on you. And what about Maggie Haberman? For four years, it was exclusives, huh? On the Russia investigation, corruption. The President doesn’t read his daily briefings — on and on. Now look at her! She spends all day fighting with random people on Twitter like a common political reporter. You’ve ruined her, Mr President. Now, of course, President Biden doesn’t often have to deal with the media directly. Yes. That task falls to Press Secretary Jen Psaki. Yes. Glad you could make it tonight. Really glad you could make it tonight, Jen. It’s nice that you’re willing to come over here and risk getting COVID for like, what, the 10th time now? Let me ask, how do you keep getting COVID, Jen? Your boss hooked us all up with free tests. Does he not have your address? What’s going on there? The word on the streets is actually that Jen Psaki is going to MSNBC next month. Yeah, yeah. Apparently, just being on C-SPAN, the ratings were too high, and she wanted more of a challenge. Wanted to switch things up. She can’t laugh at that. Don’t put the camera on her. If it’s true, congratulations to Jen on your big career change. But moving to MSNBC is going to be a big switch up for you because right now your current job is to make the Biden administration look as good as possible at all costs. Now you’re going to be at MSNBC and you’re going to have to, um — you’ll be fine, actually. Sorry. I don’t even know why I apologize. By the way, MSNBC, can I just say you guys are doing great work? You know? I love watching your shows. When Trump was in office, your shows were all about how bad he was. And now that Biden’s in office, your shows are all about how bad Trump was. Consistency is important. We appreciate that. We really do. Also, shout out to Joe and Mika. Yeah, I love you guys. Most adorable HR violation in town. I love it. So adorable. What? And that’s why we’re really here, people. We’re here to honor the media. Yeah. So, first and foremost, let’s give it up for the White House press pool. Let’s give it up for them, please. You guys are relentless. Every day you show up, and every day you demand answers on the pressing issues of the day. And then Fox News asks about Hunter Biden. And I’ll be honest, though. I actually think that’s a good thing. I really do. I think people need to be held accountable if they’re using their dad’s name to get ahead in life. And I can’t think of anyone better to ask about that than Peter Doocy. Yeah. Wherever he is. Chris Wallace laughed at that joke. But you see the real purpose of tonight is to honor some of the country’s best political journalists, people like Abby Phillip, Yamiche Alcindor. Right? And Mick Mulvaney. I actually get why CBS hired Mick Mulvaney. I get it. He’s more than just the guy who assured everyone that Donald Trump would concede gracefully. No, he can also get you access to other people who assured you that Donald Trump would concede very gracefully. It’s very important. So, shout-out to CBS, my corporate cousin. You can actually find us on Paramount Plus. Yes. Right between “SpongeBob SquarePants” and a bunch of movies that even Delta’s in-flight entertainment system turned down. But I don’t want to dwell on that. I don’t want to dwell on Mick Mulvaney, when we have so many other great journalists here tonight. We got Anderson Cooper in the house, man. We got Rachel Maddow. We got Don Lemon. We got Shepherd Smith and so many other huge talents who can no longer be mentioned in Florida public schools. I see you Ron DeSantis! What’s going on, baby? Oh, man. A lot of big media names in the room tonight. Chuck Todd is here. Chuck, you here? Yeah. How you doing? I’d ask a follow-up, but I know you don’t know what those are. Don’t boo him. He’s trying. Man, these people are mean, Chuck. The Axios team is also in the house. I didn’t know this, but “Axios” is actually Greek for political playbook without the birthdays. Yeah. And Axios got a lot of flack a few years ago for releasing a staff photo that had fewer black people in it than CPAC, but kudos to Axios. They fixed that problem by not releasing any more staff photos. And Jonathan Swan, my man. I’m a fan, personal fan. You’ve been crushing it with those interviews. Congrats on the award. People are always asking, “How does Jonathan Swan get these politicians to open up to him?” I’ll tell you how. It’s the Australian accent. Yeah. American journalists sound too aggressive. “What did you do with the money? !” An interview with Jonathan Swan is like being interrogated by a koala bear. [as Jonathan Swan] But, Senator McConnell, don’t you think it’s strange that you and the devil have never been seen in the same place at the same time? Don’t you think that’s strange? [as Senator McConnell] Well, I guess when you go to hell, you’ll find out for yourselves. [normal voice] NPR is here tonight, one of my favorites. Congratulations on all the work you do. I love Tiny Desk Concerts. I just wish you guys didn’t always have to beg for money. Maybe you’re spending too much on those tote bags. Who designs those? House of Gucci? Why don’t just ask Ivanka which kids make her stuff? Come on. And how about The New York Times? Also here. Man, can I just say, New York Times, I did not realize how much you guys like to party. Yeah. I’ve seen some of you sneaking off to the bathroom to do things you’re not supposed to do tonight, like post on Twitter. Yeah, I’ve seen that. I love The New York Times. I really do. You guys are the best. You do some of the most accurate, precise reporting in news. You never fail to write down exactly whatever the police have given you to say. Really powerful. Is it just me, or does The New York Times keep blaming bail reform on crimes that had nothing to do with bail reform? I’m half expecting to open your newspaper and see a headline “Mets blow 4-run lead due to changes in state bail laws.” And it’s actually crazy how you guys have been attacked for everything, from your investigations into Trump’s taxes, to your reporting on the pandemic. And yet the biggest death threats that you received is because there were two L’s in the Wordle that day. That was wild. By the way, give it up to those New York Times reporters who managed to get those Kevin McCarthy tapes. That was amazing. Yeah. Give it up for them. Incredible. You knew how crucial those tapes were, which is why you immediately waited until your book was for sale to tell the people about them. Bravo. Bravo. And you know what I liked about those tapes is that the one piece of good news is that now we know whether Nancy Pelosi or Kevin McCarthy are speaker of the house, that position will still be held by someone who believes that Trump should have resigned and was responsible for what happened on January 6th. Yeah. That’s bipartisanship. I like that. I’m really excited because the kings of cable are here. Fox News in the house. Yeah. The top-rated news network for the past, what, 300 years? Killing it. And I know Fox has a bad reputation. I even feel you tense up now when I talk about them. They really do crush it. I think they get a bad rap because it’s a mixed bag. They actually have really good journalists. It just depends on when you watch. Right? Fox News is sort of like a Waffle House. Yeah. It’s relatively normal in the afternoon, but as soon as the sun goes down, there’s a drunk lady named Jeanine threatening to fight every Mexican who comes in. [as Jeanine Pirro] You can’t throw me out. I know the real president! [normal voice] How about that Fox prime-time lineup, huh? Tucker Carlson. Sean Hannity. Laura Ingraham. Their coverage of COVID was really impactful. Their segments about vaccines moved their viewers into the ICU. And congrats. Congrats to Sean Hannity on becoming the longest-running host in cable-news history, by the way. Give it up for him. For real, give it up for him. Longest-running host. Don’t hate. Don’t hate the player. Yeah. Fun fact. Sean Hannity and Ainsley Earhardt are actually dating now. Yes. Yeah. And I actually think it’s beautiful to see an office romance at Fox that won’t end in a $20 million settlement. Yeah. I’m sure wherever Roger Ailes is right now, he’s looking up and smiling. Oh, Laura Ingraham, wow! What can you say about her that hasn’t already been said by the Anti-Defamation League? Powerful. I’m just sad that Tucker Carlson isn’t here today. He’s my favorite. What a talent. Tucker Carlson, are you kidding me? Whoo! That man’s a beast. Who else could fill an entire show each night asking questions that Google could easily answer? [as Tucker Carlson] Do vaccines work? Who really won the election? Who’s the president right now? Is this America? [normal voice] Gripping stuff. But if we’re honest, people, there’s so much happening in the world right now. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, and you just want to tune it all out. And that’s why I love watching CNN. Where’s Jeff Zucker, by the way? Also couldn’t make it? What’s happening over there? Apparently Jeff got fired after he tried to keep his workplace relationship a secret, which is weird because if he really didn’t want anyone to know about it, he could have just made a show about it on CNN+. I know, I know. It’s so sad. CNN+ gone but forgotten. You know who I blame? You know who I blame, CNN? I blame John King. That’s who. Yeah, John. Your magic wall can predict how every person in the country is going to vote in every county. But it couldn’t give you a heads-up that nobody wanted more CNN? They spent $300 million on CNN+. $300 million! Can I be honest, CNN? I think Stanley Tucci was playing you guys. Yeah. No, I think that dude knew exactly where Italy was. And he was just going to keep searching as long as you were paying. $300 million! Do you understand how much money that is? I do get it. Streaming, they say, is the future. As the old saying goes, “You got to spend money to make sure that Chris Cuomo doesn’t get any wrongful-termination lawsuits.” And that’s not the only big change going on at CNN. They just brought on Chris Licht. Yeah, my man over there, Chris, as the new head of news. Oof! His first order of business? Hire a guy who knows how to turn off the “breaking news” banner. Yeah. What happened with that? Did they just put it on during the OJ chase and then never figured out how to get rid of it? The news is not always breaking. But this is an interesting time for the media world. As with many industries, the pandemic was a major disruption for journalists. But I also think it helped humanize you, honestly. Millions of Americans watched TV anchors reporting from inside their own homes. Meanwhile, reporters in print media were like, “We get it. You have homes. Way to show off.” And we have to face the facts. The media is in a tough position. You did say that, Mr President. Informing the American public is harder than ever before. You’re battling conspiracy theories that the election was stolen by George Soros, that JFK Jr is still alive, that everyone in this room is a secret pedophile. And that’s just what Clarence Thomas’ wife believes. It’s insane, people. This is truly the golden era of conspiracy theories, whether it’s the right wing believing Trump can still win the 2020 election or the left believing Joe Biden can still win the 2024 election. Thank you, Mr President. And so, as we sit in this room tonight, people, I really hope you all remember what the real purpose of this evening is. Yes, it’s fun. Yes, we dress nice. Yes, the people eat, they drink, we have fun. But the reason we’re here is to honor and celebrate the fourth estates and what you stand for — what you stand for — an additional check and balance that holds power to account and gives voice to those who otherwise wouldn’t have one. And I’m not just talking about CNN or Fox or any of the other major organizations. I’m talking about everyone, you know? The young journalists we saw today. You know, intrepid journalists who aren’t even in this room in Flint, Michigan. Or that daring reporter at the Des Moines Register or the unflinching local newscaster in El Paso, Texas. Every single one of you, whether you like it or not, is a bastion of democracy. And if you ever begin to doubt your responsibilities, if you ever begin to doubt how meaningful it is, look no further than what’s happening in Ukraine. Look at what’s happening there. Journalists are risking and even losing their lives to show the world what’s really happening. You realize how amazing it is. In America, you have the right to seek the truth and speak the truth even if it makes people in power uncomfortable, even if it makes your viewers or your readers uncomfortable. You understand how amazing that is? I stood here tonight and I made fun of the president of the United States, and I’m going to be fine. I am going to be fine, right? Do you really understand what a blessing it is? Maybe it’s happened for so long that it might slip your mind. It’s a blessing. In fact, here, ask yourself this question. Honestly, ask yourself this question. If Russian journalists who are losing their livelihoods, as you were talking about, Steve, and their freedom for daring to report on what their own government is doing, if they had the freedom to write any words, to show any stories, or to ask any questions, if they had basically what you have, would they be using it in the same way that you do? Ask yourself that question every day because you have one of the most important roles in the world. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you. Please be careful leaving tonight. We all know this administration doesn’t handle evacuations well. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Moses Storm: Trash White (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/moses-storm-trash-white-transcript/

♪♪♪ [cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause continue] Crazy will always beat scary. Do you know what I mean by that? It’s not a great thesis. It’s not profound, but legitimately, that is the closest I have come to forgiveness in my life. So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. Five kids. No child support. We were on food stamps. When those ran out, we would dumpster dive for food. A lot of people find it hard to believe that I was ever that poor, ’cause look at this shit. [laughter] Like, not only do I look like, “Meh, everything just, like, worked out.” I look like the kind of, like, white, wealthy– I look like I was conceived in an Ivy League a capella concert. [laughter] [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? Where it is, like, that… ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, my dad owns every university ♪ ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, what is adversity? ♪ It’s not just rich either, right? It is, like, evil rich, right? It’s like a “Game of Thrones” King Joffrey type of rich. It looks like I found a way to monetize human suffering. I run a for-profit private prison, or even worse, I have a YouTube prank channel, where it’s like, uh, they all look like me. It’s a guy committing, like, a crime on camera. He’s like, “What is the prank, bro? What’s up? I’m Tyler, and today, we’re about to steal this old woman’s insulin.” [laughter] I grew up very poor in a big family. One summer, my two sisters, they go to this cheerleading day camp that’s discounted for low-income people, because the woman that runs it is very religious. About five minutes up the road is a boys basketball camp that I really wanted to go to. But because my mom wanted to save that little bit of money, little bit of drive time, she goes, “Oh. Why don’t you just attend the cheerleading camp with your sisters? Basically the same thing.” [laughter] Huh? No, those are two wildly different things. That’s like if you were in a restaurant, and you tried to order a Coke, and the server was like, “Actually, we don’t have Coke, but is it okay if I just frame you for arson? In my head, it’s the same thing.” 8 years old, no control over my life, I go to this cheer camp. I was like, you know what I’ll do? I’ll just lay low all summer. I won’t participate in any of the cheers. I’ll be in the back. Right? We’ve seen male cheerleaders before. They’re like the spotter. I’ll do that. Turns out, it’s pretty hard to lay low at a cheer camp when you are not only the only boy out of 37 girls, but you are also the smallest of all the girls. [laughter] Why is that important? Smallest girl in every cheer squad is what’s known as the… AUDIENCE: Flyer! The flyer. So the flyer is the delicate little angel that’s always getting tossed up in the air… [cheers and applause] …because her delicate, like, bird bones are too dangerous to support anyone and is the safest to be thrown by minors. Unprofessional minors, by the way. This isn’t like Netflix “Cheer” quality girls. This is day camp quality girls. You know what that means? Day camp? These girls don’t even have the heart and commitment to go to a sleepaway camp. They’re just stopping by at 2 p.m. to drop me on a rubber mat that’s somehow harder than the floor? Do you even want this, Marisa? Because right now you’re trying to make Nationals with a real Regionals attitude. [laughter and applause] So the whole time that I’m being… [panting and gasping] [grunts] …reluctantly tossed in the air, our cheer instructor, Mrs. Schmidt, is yelling at me, “Smile! You’re at the top of a pyramid, not the top of the cross!” [laughter] She’s very religious. Every time that the girls would drop me, which happened… all of the time, Mrs. Schmidt would have all the girls crowd around me in a semicircle, and they would all start clapping. They would go… [chanting] “Make noise, make noise. Make nose, make noise.” So not a hospital. If anything, just a way to sort of drown out any screams of pain in case the janitor comes by, like, “Nothing to see here! Business as usual!” Roll my body up in a rubber mat and then throw me into a swamp. But eventually I make it to the boys basketball camp because at the end of the summer, the big grand finale for us gals… [laughter] …is we get to go up to the boys camp– AUDIENCE MEMBER: So sad! …and cheer them–So sad. [laughter and applause] An adult that knew they were on camera for a taping went, “So sad.” [laughter and applause] Thank you. [laughter and applause] Big grand finale for us gals is we get to go up to the boys camp and cheer them on during one of their games. So sad! [laughter and applause] Mrs. Schmidt comes to me, and she goes, “Oh, my God, so you’re gonna laugh.” I’m like, “Fuckin’ try me!” [laughter] “We ordered the uniforms at the beginning of the summer before we knew that you were gonna join us. So all we have are skirts. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you. Why don’t you just bring a pair of blue shorts from home?” I have an idea. Why don’t you just kill me right where I stand? So I walk up to this boys basketball camp in blue shorts and a top with a neckline that could only be described as not unisex, low sweeping “V,” and because of my delicate, little bird bone frame, it’s–it’s–it’s falling off the shoulder. Little tease for the boys. Ahh. Bitch, you wanna see these chocolates? Mnh-mnh! [laughter] We walk up to the boys basketball camp. Before the boys can even take the court for their game, they’re like, “Get up there! Show ’em what you learned.” We start the boys off with probably our most masculine cheer. [chanting] “All right, boys, show us what you got! Show us what you got, boys, show us what you got!” [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had to cheer someone on as they bully you. [laughter] But it’s a lot like if someone shot you and then it was your job to reload their gun for them. Oh, don’t worry. It gets way worse, section that’s not that into it. [laughter and applause] Fucking halftime rolls around. Now we have a cheer with participation built in. We have the cheer, goes like this. [chanting] “We got spirit! Yes, we do! We got spirit! How ’bout you?” And the boys are supposed to go, “Yeah!” And we go, “I can’t hear you!” And they go, “Yeah!” even louder. So as the flyer, I have to step right out in front. [chanting] “We got spirit! Yes, we do! We got spirit! How ’bout you?” The boys take this opportunity to yell, “You’re a cheer queer!” And then I have to chime back in with, “I can’t hear you!” [laughter and applause] [grunts] “Smile! Not the cross!” [cheers and applause] I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I was afraid. I was. I was afraid. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself at cheer camp. A lot of fear comes from being poor. If I was doing a modern-day comedy special– you know those ones where it’s like– it’s like more like a Ted Talk than… Your friend asks you, like, “Hey, how was that comedy special? Was it funny?” And you’re like, “It was…important.” [laughter and applause] If I was doing one of those, I would make the argument that poverty is a disease on the very macro level. ‘Cause I do believe that poverty is a disease, and its most sinister symptom is fear. It’s something that I carry with me to this day. If I was doing a modern-day comedy special, I’d make the argument that yes, poverty is a disease. It’s passed down generationally just like a disease. There’s a lower life expectancy for people born below the poverty line. It’s no revelation that poverty is a major stressor, and we know that chronic stress causes damage to the cerebral cortex, the part of your brain that’s in charge of risk/reward, long-term planning. Basically all the tools that would get you out of poverty get damaged by being poor. Trying to dig yourself out of poverty in this country, it’s like trying to fix a scratch on your car by repainting it with a rake. You’ll be like… [makes squeaking sound] That’s–That’s the modern-day comedy special. I do not want to do that. I have nothing of educational value to add to your night. You won’t learn anything. I have legitimately no agenda. I just want to tell you what it feels like to be poor, and what it feels like is fear. How do you create fear in someone? Well, a good way to start is, uh, take away their stability. For most of my life, we lived in a bus. My parents moved us into a bus because I think they were trying to speed up their divorce. If you’re ever, like, with your spouse, and you’re like, “This is taking too long,” uh, move into a vehicle. ‘Cause every time I tell people that we lived in a converted bus growing up, especially in L.A., people are like, “Oh, my God. Cute. I love that for you.” Because I think you are picturing the HGTV version of a bus, where it’s like, uh, it’s like a young couple from Portland. Something’s a little off in their relationship, and they’re always like, “Hi. I’m Tracy, and my husband, also named Tracy… We fixed up this old bus because we stopped having sex, and large construction projects are the only way that I know how to make the time move.” [laughter] Those are great. Those buses are great. They’re built with time, money, and sexual frustration that crushes it into a diamond. The bus that my parents built with no skill, no money, I would love to see an HGTV show Realtor try to sell it. You know those ones that have the kind of plastic surgery where it looks like the wind hurts? “All right, Greg, Donovan, I know you were looking for a 2-bedroom, 2-bath. Instead, I wanna show you this no-bedroom, no-bath, hot diesel tube that has more miles on it than we are currently to the sun. Immediately, you’re gonna notice this diesel smell. Uh, I don’t know how carbon monoxide leaks work. I just know that sometimes you’ll be driving, all the air will get wavy, and you’ll wake up in a new state. Uh, mountains now.” This is true. So now I have all this anxiety as an adult, all this fear around waking up and not knowing where I am. [sighs] And I travel a lot for this job. So what I will do is I will say out loud to myself whatever city and state I’m in before I fall asleep. So a couple days ago, I was in Chicago, and I was like, “I’m in Chicago. I’m in Chicago, Illinois.” Okay? Tonight I will say to myself, “I’m in Los Angeles. I’m in Los Angeles, California.” Fine. Sometimes I will forget that someone is in the bed with me. I was in Arizona, and I met this young woman after a show, and we had all of the drinks. Alcohol, uh, juice that makes you rude. And I forgot that she was in the bed next to me. So I just say out loud, “Sedona. I’m in Sedona, Arizona.” [laughter] Very comforting for me. For her, it’s the first act of the horror movie. I’m on my healing journey. She is on “The First 48.” Why does it matter if there’s fear in poor people? Well, the second you start making decisions out of fear, those are stupid decisions, right? You get backed into a corner, and a lot of times, as a poor person, you have to make those decisions, and we’ve somehow muddled that in our culture to think that, “Oh, poor people are stupid” because of these decisions. I just recently found out that I’m–am severely dyslexic and dysgraphic. Uh, it’s a very fancy way to say “illiterate.” If you’re rich in this country, and you not know read good, then automatically we’re like, “Okay, you probably have a learning disability. Let’s look into it. We’ll get you into a program. We’ll get you some Adderall,” and the parents are like, “Whoa, Adderall sounds super dangerous. Isn’t that just like cocaine?” And the government’s like, “No. Cocaine is bad. Adderall is…blue.” [laughter] [applause] And then parents are like, “Uh…that sounds good.” I guess give it to every child that even breaks eye contact. [laughter] If you’re poor and you not know read good, then we’re just like, “Oh, yeah, business as usual.” People presume that poor people are stupid so often that when a poor person is not stupid, holy shit, well, then it’s like a whole goddamn movie. It’s like a whole “Good Will Hunting” movie where the entire premise is just, “Ah! Forget aliens in space. Can you imagine a world where this piece of shit that mops the floors understood math? Give it every Oscar.” [cheers and applause] I only… I only recently found out that I’m dyslexic. If you’re not familiar with dyslexia, if you haven’t, like, read up on it, don’t worry. Neither have we. All dyslexia really means is that zero percent of the time is the book better than the movie for me. I-I have never had a movie ruin a book. I have had plenty of very confusing books cleared up thanks to dogshit movies. Thank you, “Percy Jackson.” Thank you, third “Harry Potter” movie. [cheers and applause] Not only… Not only did people think I was stupid growing up, but, uh, adults like yourself all the time would come up to me and ask if I was, in fact, a little lady person. I was a very late bloomer. I didn’t really hit puberty until… hopefully next year. [laughter] I was very free with my wrists as a kid, just like two wet American flags in the sun, and I walked on my toes. I walked on my toes for some reason. So in combination, I-I… I walk like how bells sound. [laughter] [tune of “Carol of the Bells”] ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing ♪ ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing, bing-ba-da-bing ♪ And to make matters even worse, I had this shoulder length long, blond hair. My mom did not know how to cut hair. She was too cheap to pay someone to cut it. So she’s like, “You know what? I’ll just make it exactly like my hair but a little bit shorter, and then that’ll be for boys,” and it’s not. It is the Lizzie McGuire. In fact, it’s this right here. [audience gasps] Oh, God! Oh, God! [cheers and applause] Notice the low swooping necklace to accommodate for the puka shell necklace. Remember when you wanted a meth head’s teeth around your neck? “Now…why is it this glowing, platinum blond? You’re not blond now.” Well, this is true. My mom dyed all five of her kids blond because she didn’t want anyone knowing that she herself was not a natural blonde. [laughter] [applause] Holy shit. Show’s over. Even a serial killer on the run from the law would be like, “That’s too much. I’ll do the time.” Oh. I was talking to my mom about this, just setting up the special, fact-checking everything, and she goes, “Well, I didn’t just dye your guys’ hair blond for–for–for my sake. I also dyed it blond because we were about to be evicted from a 1-bedroom apartment, and I wanted to make all you five kids look like one kid.” [laughter] [scoffs] That’s worse! That’s way worse! [scoffs] Never, never defend yourself in court. “Your Honor, how could I have committed that hit-and-run when I was across town committing a murder?” [laughter] I look so much like a little lady person. I was once kicked out of a men’s restroom. At 13, I was at an Outback Steakhouse with my mom, not to eat but to steal toilet paper. [laughter] I was always too afraid to steal because I saw my mom constantly get caught. She was a terrible shoplifter. And one time she tried to steal bottles of vitamins from a grocery store. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to steal bottles of vitamins before, but it’s a lot like trying to steal maracas. [laughter] Chh-chh! Chh-chh-chh. Chh-chh! And then she would be surprised when she got caught. “How did they know?” I’m gonna guess they were tipped off by the quinceañera you have going on in your purse. [cheers and applause] I was kicked out of a men’s restroom at 13, Outback Steakhouse with my mom. One of the customers comes in right after me, and he goes, “Whoa! What are you doing? The women’s restroom is the next door over, sweetie.” Okay. We’ve all established what I looked like. But also, at this point, I was already standing at the urinal. [laughter] Well, what did he think I was doing? [laughter] [grunting] Try to…cup it and splash it in? And if I do get it in there, why don’t you let a girl dream? I’m over here, trying to shatter the porcelain ceiling. [laughter] I definitely know I was supposed to be a rich piece of shit because the thing that bothered me the most was the terms for poor people. So if you’re on food stamps like we were, you were called a “food-insecure household.” I never liked that, ’cause “food-insecure”– it… [sighs] it’s too emotional of a word. It just makes, like, a pretty serious issue just sound adorable, like it’s in our heads, like the government’s like, “Oh, come on! Show us your food. Show us.” And I’m like… [laughter] Mnh-mnh. “Come on, show– go and show us that…” Look, I need carbs, not confidence. But it makes us feel better if we can make a systemic issue sound psychological, then it’s like, “I don’t have to deal with it. They can just pull themselves up.” If you’re on food stamps, they don’t call it “food stamps” anymore. Now it’s called SNAP– Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program. “SNAP” just sounds like an off-off-off Broadway production of “STOMP,” the musical. “Can’t afford brooms. Don’t wanna get sued. So just snap.” A woman came up to me after a show who essentially looked like if an NPR tote bag was a person. And she was like, “Okay, so– so you were homeless growing up, but you shouldn’t say that you were homeless. It’s, like, derogatory. You should say that you were ‘unhoused.'” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah, sorry I bummed you out with my own personal experience.” [laughter and applause] I think it’s just like it’s these half-measures that we do to make ourselves feel better. “Unhoused” doesn’t even make sense. I get that it’s the polite thing to say, but it doesn’t make sense. “Homeless” makes sense. We had a home, and then we had less. “Unhoused”–that sounds like another HGTV show. “Tracy and Tracy realized that the bus wasn’t their problem. The problem was Tracy.” “I’ve tasted a gun before. I didn’t pull the trigger, but it hit one of my fillings, and I liked it.” [laughter] “So now they’re trying to get unhoused.” [laughter] You can’t buy everything you want on food stamps, right? And even when we would buy things that are not, like, food stamp-approved, we would still get the shitty poor person version of it. Anytime we wanted ice cream, my mom would buy us that giant, clear value bucket of ice cream. Did you ever get those? You know what I mean? [cheers and applause] Where, like, you read it, it’s like too cheap to even be a real flavor? You read it, it’s like, “We got white, and we got darker white!” What’s darker white? Is that supposed to be vanilla bean? Why are there pinto beans in there? And this is true. My mom only bought us that ice cream bucket because she wanted the actual bucket. At Walmart, a mopping bucket costs $6.99. Value bucket filled with ice cream–$4.99. It was cheaper than an empty bucket. [laughter] Do you know how shitty your ice cream has to be to actually depreciate the value of an empty bucket? You’ll be all, “I don’t want that bucket if that ice cream’s even touched it. It might ruin my dirty mop water.” [laughter] Now the truth about food stamps is it’s a broken system. You pay too much for it as a taxpayer. Also, for the families that are on it, it’s not enough. You always run out of food stamps. So what most families do is they, one, just won’t eat when they run out, or they’ll go to a food bank and get the dented cans. [sighs] It is… I’ll get off it, but it did seem suspicious that all of the cans were dented. All of them? It’s like, are they doing that? Or how are you guys shopping? You’re like, “What is this? Low-sodium corn?” “Get out of here!” [laughter and applause] If you don’t wanna do that, you don’t want the pandering programs, you can take a little agency over your life. Yeah, it’s humiliating, but you can dumpster dive for food. Whatever the grocery store throws out that’s expired or is about to expire, we would take that and… [sighs] I just hated my job dumpster diving. I-I had to be the lookout. I was the smallest, so I couldn’t be in the cool-ass dumpster with my siblings. I had to be the lookout. Like, that’s the worst job in a heist movie. I’m not even the lookout for something cool like cash or diamonds. I’m the lookout for garbage, something we’ve all unanimously decided we do not want to look at. So there’s no job. Every once in a while, a car would drive by, and then I would just be out front, just… [laughter and applause] The face of dumpster diving– really, the flyer of dumpster diving. [chanting] E., E. coli, E., E., E. coli! [cheers and applause] That’s what people wanna know. That’s the next question, right? Did we ever get sick eating from the dumpster? Of course. When I was 9 years old, we were living in this really terrible part of Florida called Florida and… [laughter] Ha ha, no one’s ever made that joke before. [laughter] Anytime we wanted to go swimming, we couldn’t afford our own pool, what we would do is we would break into a condo community or an apartment complex, or even a country club in an upscale area, pretend we lived where you live so we could use your pool. Some of you know this as a crime. We were about to break into the nicest pool in Florida– Bluewater Bay. Only downside of Bluewater Bay is they had a shit-ton of security to the point where it made me mad how much security there was. There was a guard shack security guard, a roaming security guard, and just a pool security guard. My mom was all about doubling up, not just cheer camp and basketball camp. So she was like, “Okay, we’re gonna drive all the way out to this nice neighborhood. First, we’re gonna stop off at their grocery store dumpster, see what these richies are throwing out.” [laughter] I had never seen anything like it. This grocery store’s freezers went down, so they threw out their entire ice cream department at once. Every kind of name-brand non-bucket ice cream is now in three large blue trash bags sitting in this dumpster– Hershey’s, Klondike, whatever the fuck sherbert is supposed to be. My four siblings and I, we waste no time, right there, back of the store, just start shoveling half-melted ice cream into our face as fast as possible, just like little raccoons before this all melts. [laughter] And I feel that judgment from the crowd. “Gross! You’re gonna eat dumpster ice cream?” Yeah. It’s ice cream. Do you know how good ice cream is? Ice cream is so good, it’s the only food that all of us in this room will willingly eat out of a stranger’s windowless van. [laughter and applause] And we’re excited about it! Oh, yay! It’s the ice cream man! Send the kids alone! Surely that’ll be safe. He is only playing the world’s scariest clown music. Dressed in all white. What kind of pervert dresses in all white? [laughter] [cheers and applause] So my four siblings and I waste no time. We polish off three large trash bags of ice cream between the 5 of us in under 15 minutes. I don’t know if you’ve ever had to speed-eat dairy in the sun. [laughter] We are not doing well. Have you ever been– have you ever been so full that you feel it in your neck? [gulps] Ahh. It’s like every burp is so high stakes. Every–Every burp is a contraction for the barf baby that you’re about to deliver. Like, it’s kicking. It has a pulse. Like, if I lived in Texas right now, it’d be illegal to throw this up. [cheers and applause] [imitates Southern accent] “That baby’s a person there. I’ll snitch on you.” [applause] So my mom, thank God, being the one adult in this whole situation, gets a look at us and is like, “Okay, you guys do not look well, so pool day… is still definitely on. I’m not driving back this way again. Rally. Let’s go.” I get to this pool. It is packed with other families. So all the security guards are out– the guard shack security guard, the roaming security guard, and just the pool security guard. My mom is like, “Okay, look at me. Look at me. Don’t freak out. Just stick with the regular plan of breaking into one of these pools. Every kid spreads out as far as possible. One by one, you enter the pool from different sides. When it’s safe, you can meet in the middle. We’re not gonna flash mob people with poverty.” [laughter] But the second that I jump in on my side of the pool, I know that I’m gonna vomit. [laughter] so my plan is to just put my mouth under the water so it won’t make a sound, and then just… [imitates vomiting] So–So much. It looked like I had eaten nothing but 700 vanilla lava lamps. The amount that came out was just like, oh, my God. I think I figured out how they make darker white. This kid with red hair– he comes to the surface of the pool, and he goes, “Oh, my God!” Because he has a full IMAX 3-D experience below. That causes my older brother Jonah, who was already… [gags] not doing well– he turns–he sees me, and then he starts vomiting. Because vomiting is a lot like those inspirational quotes that white girls will post online– very contagious and embarrassing when it slips out of your mouth in public. So he just starts… [gags] “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” That triggers my two sisters over here to just… [gags] “Shoot for the moon. You might land amongst the stars.” And then finally, my older brother David just… [imitates vomiting] “If you want a rainbow, you’re gonna have to put up with some rain.” So now… [cheers and applause] There are five kids simultaneously inspiring the shit out of one pool, which turns out is way too many kids to be throwing up at once. I know that because the other parents at this pool are now freaking the fuck out. Because we are all so far spread out in this pool, it doesn’t look like some isolated incident. In their minds, it looks like some sort of violent supervirus has swept over the entire pool, causing kids to explode. Kids are screaming. Parents are pulling their kids out by the arms. There’s kids throwing up that didn’t even eat trash bags of ice cream. Fuck is your excuse? [cheers and applause] I get out of the pool. The entire pool is ruined. And I remember just thinking to myself, “Man…this place needs better security.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I think the common misconception is that everyone on food stamps is just sitting around, waiting to collect a welfare check and ruining pools. In my personal memory, my mom was always in this constant manic state to provide for us– all these schemes that we’d end up losing more money on, than if she just got a minimum wage job. My earliest memory of this is in 1992, Bob Saget came on TV and introduced a show called “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” On this show, if you’re familiar, people would send in, like, their amateur tapes of, like, bloopers on a home video. Someone fell down. Someone’s playing wiffle ball and got hit in the nuts. At the end of the show, the funniest video would– it’s a very exciting show if you haven’t seen it, ’cause they–they control the video. It’s like watching someone else watch YouTube. [laughter] End of the show, the funniest video would win 10 grand. Uh, and then Bob Saget would, like, do– This is not–this probably won’t make the special, but just for you guys, um… [chuckles] I was rewatching it to, like, prep for this, and for some reason, all of Bob Saget’s improv– he would, like, do… [nasal voice] Ah. [normal voice] …voices over the clips– it was all just about his grandma to the point where I’m like, like, some kid would get, like, you know, pulled out of frame, like, “This kid got yanked harder than my grandma.” Like… I’m worried about– like, in a real way, I’m worried about his grandma. [laughter and applause] So most people heard this concept of “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” and they were like, “Oh, that’s a fun way to pass the time in between Fentanyl doses.” [laughter] My mom heard this, and she took it as a direct and personal job offer. “Okay, Bob Saget, I will make you this funny video that you require. You will give me your 10 grand.” Every single weekend, we would rent a camera, two 6-hour tapes, and we would shoot fake, staged bits in the hopes of scamming the show out of 10 grand. Usually it’s like a happy accident, like, whoa, hit in the nuts. But my mom was like, “No, we can engineer this. We’re gonna do highbrow non-nut humor.” One day, she gets an idea that’s gonna win us the 10 grand. Here’s the bit. All of us kids are gonna be in the kitchen, making cookies, right? And halfway through, 2-year-old Moses… Huh…is going to accidentally drop an egg off of the countertop–whoops– and it’s gonna land on my sister’s head, who is sitting just below. Judging by this audience’s response, it’s a killer bit. [laughter] Anyone that’s silent is going, “How come I didn’t think of that? Egg on the head. Egg on the face.” Two things are standing in my mom’s way between her and the 10 grand. The first is that her very young children do not understand this bit at all. No concept of, like, a joke, a prank, or pretend. A lot of us do with number two. She was a very strict, religious parent that we were a little afraid of. So when she told my 2-year-old brain, “Hey, you’re supposed to accidentally–” Oxymoron– “…drop an egg on your sister’s head,” my brain exploded. I was like, “This is some kind of trap. Why is this being filmed? You’ve been telling me my entire life not to throw eggs around like we got egg money.” [laughter] So… what we’re about to watch right now is the many outtakes… [cheers and applause] …that it took to get this very dumb video, and, uh, before we start it, just a heads up. The video has all the charm and production value of, like, a hostage video. So… I am here in the overalls as she explains this bit to me. [beep] [beep] Hi! Hi! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. We’re gonna make you a video. Yeah! We’re starting off this morning by, um, making you some cookies. [beep] [mixer whirring] No, today on the tape, we’re gonna play, uh, uh, we’d–we’d go outside, and next we would–we– we’d play even when– we’d–we’d play outside we have a swing set out there, too. Do it again. Okay. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. We’re making a tape today. [mixer whirring] [audience laughing] [beep] [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Hi! [mixer whirring, speaks indistinctly] Yeah. [beep] [beep] At this point, my mom had come to her senses, like all of us in this room and realized what the problem was. The egg is too small. [laughter] Let’s up the visual stakes with a large bag of flour. So now all they have to do is just knock over a bag of flour. And we’re gonna send it to you in the mail. Okay, honey, do– okay, do it again. [beep] A little beyond, but– Oh! [mixer whirring] Ow! [beep] Stop, stop. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Now we’re gonna send it to you in the mail. [baby cries] Wait, stop. Just blown the entire bit. Don’t say that. We’re acting. Oh. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi! Hi! [mixer whirring, indistinct conversations] [beep] Just do it, Moses. [beep] [speaks indistinctly] [beep] [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. So I’ve been recast in the video. Chocolate chip. Yeah, chocolate chips. David! [beep] [beep] [faucet runs] [beep] Okay, let’s do it. [beep] Here we go. Yeah, we’re gonna make you a lot of cookies. [indistinct conversations] Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa. You can help. You can help. David. [bleep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi! We made you some cookies. Yeah, chocolate chip. [beep] David, just do it! [beep] Can I help? Can I help? Yep, we can all help. Let me get you a cup. Damn it. Do it! Not now. [beep] [cheers and applause] Do it again? [all speak at once] [beep] [all shouting at once] Yeah, flour. [speaks indistinctly] Ohh! Mommy, that was fast. [giggling] [cheers and applause] So now the question is, did we ever win the 10 grand? No. But we did get featured in the cold open of season 3, the very beginning, and for that, we received a $200 appearance fee. So if you add up all the camera rentals, time spent, we made a net profit of $652, and this is how the clip actually aired on the show with Bob Saget’s narration over it. Come see why we’re making it. This is what we did. SAGET: These kids cook just like my grandmother used to– a pinch of this, a bag of that, ♪♪♪ Now… [cheers and applause] I only showed you that again because that was a shit-ton of takes to get a very dumb bit, right? It gets way worse. I don’t think you understand how much she believed in this idea. How the clip aired on the show– she’s wearing what color pants? AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: White! AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Blue! She’s wearing blue pants on the show, but in every take I had shown you before then– Will you press “play”? Every take I showed you before then, she’s wearing white pants, meaning there’s an entirely different reshoot day I don’t even have time to show you tonight. That’s how deep this goes. [cheers and applause] It’s very tacky to say how much you’re being paid for your HBO Max special. What I will say is that as of tonight, it took about– well, over 20 years, but eventually, from this bit, my mom made the 10 grand. [cheers and applause] A lot of people will watch that video and they’ll ask me if I’m mad at my mom. No. The older I get, the more I understand what she was going through. Now that I’m old enough to have my own kids, and by that, I mean, pregnancy scares… [laughter] I can–I can understand what she’s going through. Now understanding why someone does a behavior is also not an excuse for that behavior. There is–There is an ocean between apathy and empathy, between approval and just forgiveness. My mom displayed a lot of crazy behavior growing up. That crazy behavior was a way to combat the fear. Crazy beats scary. If your day-to-day problems are the insane decisions that you yourself have created, then you feel like you have some sort of agency over your life. I got myself into this. I can get myself out. And then you don’t have to focus on the larger fear that you’re a single parent, and you’re completely alone. And the older you get, the idea of hustling and grinding starts fading into failure, and you understand that the idea of upward mobility in this country–it’s a lie. It’s a lie because stories like mine get elevated in our culture– these stories of rags to riches, from the dumpster to HBO Max. Because these stories– they make us feel good. These make us feel good. They allow us to continue to do nothing about the unfathomable amount of poverty that is just beyond these walls. And my story is not the truth. The truth is that most people are born poor, and they die even poorer. Sure, I worked my ass off to get here in front of you tonight. But I also got very lucky. I got lucky that people took a chance on me. I got lucky that you physically came out tonight, and I don’t say this because I have any agenda or there’s any actual steps. I am only saying that I got lucky, because that is what I needed to hear as a poor kid, when I was knee-deep in a dumpster and head high in shame– “Some people get lucky.” When I was at cheer camp, and they did a lot worse than just say, “Hey, you’re a cheer queer”– “Some people just get lucky.” Now imagine you’re a single parent, and you’re not as lucky. You’re in charge of five human beings that are supposed to have a better life than you. If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will. Crazy beats scary. The crazy behavior was a way to combat fear. The first time I understood that crazy beat scary was on the very literal level. I was 18. I had my very first girlfriend, and Mandy was way out of my league. Mandy was cool. Mandy had these black bangs, thick black eyeliner. She basically looked like… [sighs] like if a person just walked into a Hot Topic, looked around once, and was like, “I’ll take it.” [laughter] I, on the other hand, was 18, 85 pounds. I looked like I walked into a Build-A-Bear so I could get a vest in my size. [laughter] And the type of guys that Mandy was used to dating were the type of guys that people would just look at and be like, “Oh, man, that guy looks dangerous.” People would look at me, like, they look at, like, you and I, will be like, “Oh, man. That guy looks ticklish.” [laughter] I was also a very sensitive teenager. Very sensitive. Mandy was the strong one. I was very sensitive. A couple months before I met Mandy, I was going through a really bad breakup. I was going out with this girl for six months, and we both got to that point in our relationship where we decided that she should break up with me. [laughter] Very confusing time for both of us, ’cause she was like, “What are you talking about? We were never actually really together.” I’m like, classic us. [laughter] I was very chill about the breakup. I cried every single day for 33 days. I know that because I wrote that in a journal, and I sent it to her. [laughter] Emotionally abusive. So I was doing a lot of crying, you know. My older brother–he caught me crying in our shared room, this breakup, and he goes, verbatim, he goes… [scoffs] “Wow. Guess you’re the world’s biggest little bitch.” I was like, “Uh, actually, that’s an oxymoron. How can I be the world’s biggest and the world’s li–” Before I could finish “little,” he had already punched me in the neck. [laughter] So now anytime I wanted to cry, I would now have to drive to my cry spot. Uh, whoops! That is as lame as it sounds. [scoffs] A designated area I would physically drive my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse to to just go and cry, save up things that would happen during that week. [voice breaking] Be like, not now. Save it. File. Save As. “Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.” “File already exists named ‘Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.’ Do you want to replace?” Yes. [normal voice] And then once a week, drive out to this half-abandoned cul-de-sac, park my car, and unload in this tantrum cry. You ever been crying so hard, you’re, like, about to throw up? Like, your vomit sees your tears come out. It’s like, “Me, too.” I’m that level of like… [moans and gags] I see a cop car speed by the main road. The tires screech out, and it peals back around. I’m like, “Okay, well, that’s not for me.” I mean, shoo-bee-doo-wop, what is adversity? Before I know it, that cop car is now nose to nose with my car. And the cop gets over the loudspeaker, and he goes… [sighs] “All right, let’s break it up, lovebirds.” [gasps and laughter] I look up. All of my windows are fogged up from my sadness. When I cry, I’m a squirter. [laughter] But from his perspective, it looks like two human beings are in here, like à la “Titanic,” like doing sex on each other. So now I have to step out of the car and deliver the world’s saddest sentence. And he goes, “Break it up, lovebirds.” I step out of the car, still crying. I’m like… [gulps] [voice breaking] “No, it’s just one bird in here.” [laughter and applause] There’s just…one bird… in here. [laughter] This very tough veteran cop, like the kind of cop who has seen the worst of the worst over the course of his career– homicides, overdoses and he’s kind of tough where it looks like not only has he never let himself have an emotion, but it looks like he buys his jeans at Costco. He gets one look at me crying in his light, and he goes… [gasps] “Oh, God. Sorry.” [laughter] He turns away. Do you know how profoundly lame/white you have to look for a cop to ignore all of his training and turn his back to the perp to be like, “I don’t even care if you have a gun. Jesus Christ. Just end it for us both”? [applause] Without saying another word, he gets back into his car, and he speeds off, shook, like, visibly shook. I would like to think that later that night, that cop–he’s at a diner with all of his veteran cop buddies, exchanging different horror stories. One cop is like, “I’ll never forget 2003. 18-car pileup, body parts everywhere.” And they finally get to my cop. “John, you all right? You haven’t said a word all night.” And my cop is just in the corner. He’s in the corner trembling, smoking an unlit cigarette. [laughter] He looks up at them and goes, “I didn’t think it was possible, but tonight I met the world’s biggest little bitch.” [laughter and applause] And then the last cop– the last cop, he goes, “Oh, you think that’s bad? I’ll never forget 1999. Before I joined the force, I was a security guard at a pool, and a violent supervirus swept over.” [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] Mandy and I did have a lot in common. We both had very strict, religious parents. Like, Mandy’s mom is the kind of religious where as we speak, her bedroom walls are covered in the most gruesome photos of Jesus being crucified. Just like–or–or paintings. Sorry. Uh, right, not pho– That would be insane. There’s like a watermark. It’s like, 2008? What the fuck? [laughter] Paintings, renderings, and, like, shit that’s so raw, like Mel Gibson would be like, “Yikes. That looks anti-Semitic.” And here’s what gets me. They’re not even in frames. These photos are just hastily pasted up and down her walls, almost like she’s trying to solve Jesus’ murder. “Everyone thinks it’s Pontius Pilate and Judas, right? Everyone thinks it’s Pontius Pilate and Judas, but no one–no one’s talking about John the Baptist!” [laughter] “Why was he in Sedona? Sedona, Arizona.” [laughter] So the only place that we could ever hook up was the back seat of my car. Uh, I don’t know if you’ve ever had car sex. It’s not great. Also, you’re 18. We remember that time with rose-colored glasses, like…eh! It’s the worst sex you’re having of your life. [laughter] This is why I’ve never understood the male fantasy of wanting to hook up with a virgin. I mean it. I don’t get it. Like, why is that good? There’ll be those guys that’ll come to me, and they feel very comfortable saying, “I hooked up with this chick. Virgin.” Gross. Why is that good? Sex has to be the only time where inexperience is desired. I couldn’t convince you guys to go to a concert tonight and be like, “Oh, my God. You have to go to the Hollywood Bowl. There’s this girl. She has… never played guitar before.” [laughter] “She’s gonna learn as she goes.” Like, that sounds awful. Will she at least be enjoying herself? “No, she’s actually gonna be in a lot of pain.” [laughter] People actually show up to this? “Actually, most guys will come early.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I don’t mean to put it on her. I was the worst person that you could lose your virginity to. I’d stolen my older sister’s “Cosmopolitan” magazine. “Seven tips to drive your partner wild.” Boom, these are going in the arsenal. To drive your partner wild, you are su– This was what they published. To drive your partner wild, you are supposed to kiss around their jawline as you softly hum. [laughter] So… [laughter continues] ♪ Hmm-mm ♪ [smooches] ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ I did this to a real human woman that I had no intention of murdering. [laughter] And we would never park the car in places like Make-out Point in the fear that our parents would catch us. Too obvious. We’d always go way out to a desolate road or an abandoned parking lot. It’s a longwinded way to basically say I would take Mandy to my former cry spots. [laughter] Yeah. She was like, “How’d you find this place?” I’d be like, “No more questions.” [laughter] I had learned from my crying experience that that these types of locations– they draw a lot of attention from the cops. If they see a car parked in the middle of nowhere, they’re gonna investigate. They’re gonna break us up. So it was like, okay, I’m gonna do something so the cops don’t break us up. I invented this very real thing that Mandy affectionately named “junk blanket.” [sighs] Stay with me. I have a replica. Let me show you. So…what junk blanket was… [sighs] was an unzipped sleeping bag that I had personally hand-sewn, mostly duct-taped a bunch of old clothes to the outside of. This way, when the cops would pull up on our car and shine the light through the window, I could just pull the junk blanket over Mandy and myself, cop would look through the window and think, “Oh, there’s just a pile of junk back there… that happens to be steaming. On with my patrol.” So one night, Mandy and I were out in our favorite desolate road. There’s not a car in a mile in each direction. There’s no streetlights, just the stars. And we’re in the back seat, having the worst sex of our lives. [laughter] ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ Halfway through, 30 seconds in… [laughter] [cheers and applause] …this car pulls up right behind us. Just the headlights are shining through the back window. I’m like, “Oh, shit. That’s the cops.” I pulled junk blanket from the hatchback of my car over Mandy and myself. As the cops get out, they’re talking to each other, and it starts to sound a lot less like cops and a lot more just like four sketchy guys that mean to do us or this car some kind of harm. I completely freeze in this situation. This is not gonna go well for me, unless there’s some sort of tickle-off, I’m not gonna win this fight. The only saving grace is that we’re safe inside the car. They tried to open the driver’s side door. It’s locked. My heart begins to race. Mandy’s eyes begin to well with tears, makes all that black mascara run. And then it’s completely silent except for the sound of metal scraping on concrete. I peek my head over junk blanket, and just over my head, boom, a metal shovel comes through the driver’s side window, spraying glass everywhere. We are no longer safe. They are inside the car. And it quickly dawns on me that they have no idea that we’re inside the car. They thought the car was abandoned. They were gonna steal the radio, whatever valuables were inside. Junk blanket has worked too well. So now we need to do something. We need to do something just to make our presence known, like, hey, human beings are in here, and Mandy is just looking at me like, “Aren’t you gonna do something?” And I’m looking at Mandy. “Aren’t you gonna do something?” So I am trying to say to these guys, “What do you want from us?!” [laughter] But…I am so scared, the only thing that can come out of my body is this mixture of, like, half breath, half just a fear sound. So now it’s this barely audible, just… [breathily] “What do you want? [mumbling] What do you want from us? [grunts] [mumbling] What do you want from us?” And it’s so frustrating. It feels like a bad dream, like your mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out. I need to do something at this point just to make some kind of sound, and I think back to cheer camp. [laughter] [chanting weakly] “Make noise, make noise.” And before I know it, I am outside the vehicle, and I get to look at one of these guys in the face for the first time, and they look more scared than I do. I realize now what they are seeing. My face is now covered in Mandy’s running black mascara. I am butt-naked, except for a baggy green condom, clapping at these guys on a desolate road, going, [muttering] “What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What the fuck do you want from us?!” [cheers and applause] They are so freaked out. They are so freaked out. They get back in their car, and they speed off, because crazy beats scary! [loud cheers and applause] Thank you so much! This is fantastic. [cheers and applause continue] ♪♪♪ Part two. The reason that we were so poor growing up is my parents were members of an unsuccessful cult. [laughter] ♪♪♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis (2020) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-quarter-life-crisis-transcript/

[“Making Love to the Dead” by Beginners plays] ♪ Darling, go ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Watch your head ♪ ♪ Don’t look down, baby ♪ ♪ Under the bed ♪ ♪ Let it show ♪ ♪ What you’ve read… ♪ [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Taylor Tomlinson. [cheering] Wow! I hope my ex sees this. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for coming. This is amazing. How are you? Good? Okay, I’m sorry. That was so aggressive. There’s so many people. I did not need to single you out that way. I would hate that if someone did it to me. I’m an introvert. Is anyone else an introvert? [scattered cheering] All right. That was a test, and you failed. Uh… No introvert’s ever gone “woo!” at any decibel. Real introverts are parked outside going, “Is it even worth it? I don’t know who she is.” Here’s how much of an introvert I am. Recently, I read a statistic that said, in 80% of homicide cases, the killer was someone the victim knew. When I read that, I was relieved. Like, thank God. I don’t want to get murdered and meet somebody. [groans] That’s a lot for a Friday, getting stabbed and acquainted. Just dump me in the river. Don’t introduce yourself, Jeff. So glad you guys are doing well. I’m doing okay. I am halfway through my 20s, and I am done with this shit. Oh, my God! I’m sick of my 20s. I’m so sick of people telling me to enjoy them. They’re not fun. They are ten years of asking yourself, “Will I outgrow this, or is it a problem?” Like, is this a phase or a demon? I just need to know. Like, am I fun, or should I go to a meeting? Someone help me. And people get upset when I complain about being young. I had a woman come up to me after a show furious. She’s like, “You should appreciate this time of your life ’cause someday you’re gonna have a family like me, and you’re really gonna miss it.” I’m like, “Where are your kids buried? Holy shit.” I’m just trying to get to my car, Ghost of Christmas Future. If you’re sitting there going, “Taylor, you should be grateful. I miss my 20s.” No, you don’t. What you miss is a time in your life where you didn’t have a lot of responsibilities because nobody expected anything from you. But do you remember why nobody expected anything from you? Because you sucked. That’s what everybody forgets about your 20s. You were garbage. Thinner garbage, but you were garbage. You have no intuition, no instincts. You can’t make decisions, only mistakes. That’s why you’re thin in your 20s. You don’t have a gut to listen to yet. There’s no mystic bad feeling under your ribs going, “Hey, maybe don’t date a DJ… again.” Nobody expects me to do shit right. I’m like, “What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?” She’s like, “Napkins. Can you handle that? Dry ones this time. And if they say Starbucks on them, I swear to God, Taylor… Go to a Dollar Tree. Stop ruining Easter.” I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. You have to work on yourself in your 20s ’cause if you don’t, then you’ll turn 30, and all the shitty parts of your personality will solidify, and that’ll just be who you are now. Your 20s are an opportunity to fish trash out of the lake before it freezes over. It’s like, ooh, what’s that? Codependency? Daddy issues? All right. Better get all that out of there ’cause winter is coming. I’ve done so much work on myself in the last five years. I quit dating losers. That took a minute. Yeah. Thank you. [cheering] Thank you. There’s no rehab for that, only sponsors. Uh… Losers are hard to quit. Losers are a lot like cigarettes. You have one in your mouth, you feel pretty cool, but everyone is like, “Ew! We’re sad for you. Don’t do that around my kids.” All my friends are like, “You need a guy with a car and a job.” And I’m like, “But then I’ve got to deal with his wife. It’s a whole thing.” I’m trying to be a better partner too. I haven’t always been a great partner. I dated one guy, on again, off again, for four years. I would dump him, get back together, dump him, get together. I was the girl you couldn’t bring home for holidays ’cause what are you going to say at that point? Like, “Mom, Dad, this is my lesson that I can’t seem to learn. Don’t get attached.” He and I broke up because he cheated on me. In my head, and I could not… Sorry, if you love me, you wouldn’t even do it up here. Like… You wouldn’t even put yourself in that situation. I read too many of those “signs he’s cheating” articles. Have you read those? They’re all the same. Like, “Oh, did he buy you flowers? He feels guilty. Oh, did he call you ‘babe’? [chuckles] He doesn’t know your name. Was he nice to your family? He slept with your mom.” He never cheated on me, but he did do this weird thing where he would let me know any time other women hit on him. He’d go out of his way to be like, “Babe, I just want to let you know, girl at Starbucks tried to give me her number, so…” And I’m like, “Cool. [chuckles] What do you want me to say? You want me to fist-bump you? Like, ‘Nice, bro. Get it.’ Like… You want me to get jealous? Turn into Batman? Like, ‘Where is she?’ Like, what?” He’s like, “No, I’m trying to be honest with you ’cause I love you. That’s what I’m doing. I’m being honest with you.” I’m like, “No, you’re not. You want me to know that you turned down the option of other people today. You want points for not cheating on me.” Like I’m supposed to swoon or something, like, “Oh, my God, babe. You honored the most basic term of our agreement?” [laughter, applause] “I’m so lucky. This is like a fairy tale. I never understood Taylor Swift songs before, and now I do. Like… I thank you so much. I know you have a lot of options…” I turned into Southwest Airlines. “I know you have a lot of options when you fly. Thank you for choosing us. Can we get you anything else?” I was so pissed. “Do you have any idea how easy it would be for me to cheat on you? Do you know how many holes I have in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese for a walk around the block, it’s over for you, dude.” [laughter, cheering] Yeah. “I don’t even have to try that hard. I’ve just got to raise my hand in a Walmart or uncross my legs in a Denny’s and we are open for business, all right?” Just like, “Boom! Got your Grand Slam right here, fellas. Line it up. Mama has a point to make.” The real reason he and I broke up is the reason everybody breaks up. We were no longer having the amount of sex you need to have in order to ignore everything that’s wrong with each other. Yeah, love is blind. Lust is Helen Keller. So… We weren’t there anymore, and it got tough because I have a fairly high sex drive. Not crazy high. Not like “I’mma catch something at the bus station” high. But if I love you, diarrhea doesn’t deter me. We’re… We’re in that zone, you know? It’s like, “Your stomach hurts? Push through it. I want to feel close to you.” Mentally push, not physically. Don’t make a mess. That joke makes me sound so much cooler than I am. I’m not that cool. I’ve had sex with two people, four if you’re Christian. Like, I’m not a good time. I’m not. I don’t like casual sex. My friends are like, “You don’t know if you like it. You’ve never tried it.” I’ve also never tried cottage cheese, and I know that shit looks nasty. It’s all wet and bumpy. I don’t trust it, okay? I had a friend try to convince me with this argument: “You have to try it, Taylor, because there is nothing as empowering as just banging some guy and leaving.” I’m like, “That sounds good, but I don’t know. Have you ever tried to make a dude’s mom love you more than him?” That is power. I still talk to Sheila, so… Haven’t heard from him in eight years, but every Christmas she’s like, “I miss you.” I was very sheltered growing up. I was terrified of sex. I thought I would be bad at it. Now that I’m older, it’s so easy to be good at sex, isn’t it? All you have to do is approach it with the enthusiasm of a child. Just put everything in your mouth. Like… If you can reach it and it fits, that’s where it goes. Uh… Pretend you’re four and your partner’s made of LEGOs. It’s not… It’s not complicated. I grew up very religious, so I was encouraged to abstain from drugs and alcohol and sex and enjoyment… and uh… Yeah, being abstinent is when you wait until marriage to have sex. They used to tell us, “The safest sex is no sex.” Which is a lot like saying, “The safest travel is books.” When I have a daughter, I’m going to make sure she’s abstinent in high school and probably before that, while we’re at it, because… When I was younger and I was abstinent, I was not having sex, but I was having other things done to me, and I don’t know if you know this, but “other things” are kind of the best part of sex for ladies. So while my friends were having sex, I was the only one having orgasms. [cheering] Yeah. I could not believe it when I found out. My friends are like, “Yeah, me and Chad have had sex, but I’ve never, you know…” And I’m like, “You’re going to hell and you didn’t even finish? I’ll pray for you.” First time I tried to lose my virginity, I missed. That happen to anybody else in here? Not physically. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t like, “It’s like trying to put a straw in a Capri Sun.” It wasn’t like that. What happened was… I was waiting until marriage, or until Jesus came back, ’cause I’m like, “My dad will like him, right?” And… I waited, waited, waited. And then, finally, I tried to lose it to my boyfriend in college who said, “No, thank you.” Uh, which was a bit of a curve ball. Nobody… Nobody told me to expect sexual rejection as a woman. Nobody prepares you. From the time you start walking as a little girl, they’re like, “Hey, everybody wants in there. You gotta build a perimeter and keep everyone out.” I was so busy trying to keep people out of me, I never thought I’d have to talk someone into me. Men take sexual rejection much easier ’cause they’re prepared for it. From the time they start walking they’re like, “Hey, Brent. You’re a little creepy. Maybe keep an eye on that. You’re going to need to get consent, which is a noise she makes, not a feeling you feel.” But because men are prepared for it, they bounce back real quick. They walk around like vacuum salesmen. Just like, “Eh, eh? There’s another house over here.” My boyfriend was nervous to have sex with a virgin, and I was like, “The good news is, you only have to do it once, and then guess what? Problem solved.” I felt like a high schooler trying to get a job at the Gap, just like, “We really want someone with retail experience.” “Well, how am I supposed to get some unless someone takes a chance on me?” I was literally told by somebody that getting rid of my virginity, as a woman, was going to be like handing out free samples at a Costco, and instead, I felt like one of those guys on the Vegas Strip, trying to hand you a nightclub flyer. It’s like, “No, come on in. It’ll be fun. There’s lights. It’s kind of damp. Get in here. Ha! It’s fun.” But you know what they say: women go for men like their fathers, so I keep going for guys who do not want to sleep with me. That is… so like my dad. All right? No reason to be offended. That joke’s about what a great dad my dad is. I lost my virginity late. I lost it when I was financially independent. Yeah. I went through my bank statements. “I could afford to have a dick in me.” Just, like, so responsible. All my other friends lost it under a Backstreet Boys poster in their mom’s house, and I lost it under an IKEA painting that I purchased… with a coupon. But I’m glad I was raised that way because it taught me how to choose sexual partners in a very responsible way. Okay? So when I was younger and I was waiting, I would tell guys, “I’m not ready to have sex yet. Is that okay?” Anytime guys were really cool about that decision, that made me want to have sex with them more because there is nothing hotter than someone respecting your boundaries. You’re just like, “What? Take your pants off. Get over here.” The hottest thing you can say to a girl is, “Hey, we don’t have to do anything.” [breathing heavily] Now we do. So I still do this as a sexually active adult. I pretend I’m not ready to have sex with someone new yet, just to make sure they’re a good person first. I call it the gobstopper test. I go, “Ooh, I’m not ready. Is that okay?” He’s like, “Totally fine. No worries at all.” I’m like, “Charlie, you won! You did it. I knew you could, my boy! Now, come inside my chocolate factory. It’s all for you.” I am not a casual dater. Here’s how not casual I am. I actually got engaged this year. Uh, nope. Didn’t work out. Context clues. I would have expected better from you, front row. It’s okay. It’s all for the best. Uh, didn’t work out. Just wasn’t the right fit. But man, I learned a lot about myself in the process of getting engaged. First off, I didn’t know what a basic bitch I was, who was gonna love being engaged that much, but something happened when that ring went on my finger. Something in my stupid lady lizard brain went… “bloop!” “Level completed.” I just kind of floated through Target, like… “Oh, am I better than everybody? What’s that? No, I don’t need help. Someone loves me. I’ll find the towels, right after I cancel therapy. I’m all fixed.” [chuckles] I wore that ring for two months. I never got used to it. It kept getting caught on stuff, like sweaters and my freedom. It was cumbersome. It also didn’t look right on me. It was a diamond on this. It looked stupid. I looked like a rescue dog in a Gucci sweater. It was… so dumb. I had a friend who goes, “Are you afraid you’re going to get mugged?” I’m like, “Bitch, I look like I stole it. Are you serious?” I knew I was too young to get married because people kept telling me I was. I had so many people that were like, “I got married at 25. Don’t know if I’d do that again.” I’m like, “Aren’t you guys still together?” They’re like, “Yeah.” I had a woman at one of my shows yell at me from the audience. She goes, “You should really wait till you’re 27 to get married.” I said, “Why 27?” She goes, “‘Cause that’s when your frontal lobe has finished developing in your brain. That’s when your brain’s done, 27.” Yeah, what a mean fact to yell at someone. Just like, “Oh, you think you’re happy, Scarecrow? Why don’t you wait a beat till the Wizard gets you a brain? I’ve been drinking since noon. Make me laugh.” But I Googled it, and that fact is real. And that fact is proof that God is a man because who else would finish your boobs years before your brain? That’s bullshit. You’re telling me no one in Heaven’s like, “Hey, God, are you gonna finish the brain today? You keep putting it off, and it seems important.” He’s like, “This is important! [chortling] Don’t tell me how to do my job. I’m God, damn it! I’m gonna make one of them bigger for, like, eight years.” I’m sorry if you love God. That’s what he’s like. I did want to be married, though. I wanted to be married. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to date anymore. I will say, though, the best time to date is immediately after a very painful breakup ’cause your standards are so low. Oh, after I broke off my engagement, I was like, “All I want to do is make out with someone who hasn’t seen me cry in the tub.” Like, that’s all I wanted. I just wanted a fresh one who didn’t know I was crazy, who’d come in like, “You’re not like other girls.” I’m like, “Mm-mmm, not yet.” You’re sitting across from him at dinner while he talks about his ex. You’re like, “She sounds nuts.” [chuckles] But in your head you’re like, “We would be friends. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll call her. She made a fake Facebook account to stalk you after you blocked her? That’s insane. I would never do that… on Facebook. She sounds old.” I’m not good at dating. I tried a dating app once. I tried OkCupid. Okay, heard some judgment from the back. Look, I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was a bad one. I should’ve known. The name sounds like giving up. Just like, “Okay, Cupid, you take a stab.” I just don’t like dating apps because I feel like people curate these really fake opening lines that they’ll copy and paste and use on everybody. I talked to a guy who told me on Tinder, his opening line, no matter who it was, was, “So, do you like sunrises or sunsets?” That’s me choking on his dick ’cause that’s a great line. I mean, that’s… That’s poetry. It’s like… That’s a haiku, I think. Check my math, but… That line’s a Trader Joe’s bag. You should reuse it. I had a guy on OkCupid send me an emoji as an opening line. Not a cute one. Not like a heart or a kissy face, or even an eggplant, which is gross but I get it. He sent me one of these. You know the one you never touch ’cause it looks like Pac-Man getting a colonoscopy? Half of you won’t enjoy this joke ’cause you don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s how rarely this emoji is used. I responded. I was like, “I gotta make sure this guy doesn’t hurt anybody.” So I wrote back and I said, “Does this work for you? Do people respond ’cause they’re confused? Are you negging me? What’s happening here?” He goes, “Well, the way a woman responds to the emoji tells me a lot about her character.” I said, “All right, Detective Douche Rocket, what does my response tell you about my character?” He goes, “Well, it tells me you’re really transparent, honesty is super important to you, and you have trouble trusting people.” “That emoji works. We should get coffee, or married. I don’t know. Dr. Douche Rocket, I’m sorry.” I’m not good at dating ’cause I’m not fun. I’m not like a fun person. You can probably tell that by now. For example, this is my impression of a fun person. This is what I think fun looks like. Your creepy uncle trying to corner you at Christmas. “You’re so big now. Let’s dance.” I look like something outside a car sale, but it’s just very depressed. It’s like, “Yeah, we got Subarus in there. I don’t know. I took a bunch of pills.” I’ve never been fun. I’ve never been the life of the party. At best, I’m the faint pulse of a potluck. Like, that’s all I’ve been able to achieve. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I did start using weed this last year. You can tell because… Thank you. [audience member whoops] You can tell ’cause I say “using” like it’s PowerPoint. Wow, I suck. I started taking edibles at night because I was having trouble sleeping. Some of my friends got too excited. They’re like, “Now we can get high and go see Spider-Man.” I was like, “Oh, no. I only do that at night-night.” They were like, “You ruined weed too. How did you… do that?” I had to start taking something at night because I was having nightmares as an adult, which is like when you get braces at 40. Everybody’s like, “You’re still doing that?” Like, “Yeah, I guess.” It’s embarrassing. And nightmares as an adult are so much worse than nightmares as a kid. So much worse. A lot of things are worse as an adult. I think we know that. Have you tried to give yourselves an adult pep talk lately? Yeah, it is laughable. It’s impossible. You can pep yourself up when you’re a kid ’cause you still believe in stuff, like Santa and magic and the government. You still think… there are forces at work for you. So you can shadow box in the bathroom mirror. “You’re going to do it ’cause you’re great and I believe in you.” As an adult, you’re just leaning on that sink, like, “You’re gonna do it ’cause what other goddamn choice do you have?” [laughter, cheering] You guys tried to buy greeting cards for your family as adults? Can’t do that anymore. Too much has happened. And Hallmark can’t cover it. When you’re a kid, you run into CVS on Father’s Day. “You’re the best dad in the whole world.” I’m done. As an adult, you walk down that aisle, like, “You’ve always been there for me.” Nope! “Thank you for accepting me exactly as I…” Okay, try again. “I couldn’t have asked for a better…” You know what? Screw this. Excuse me. Do you guys have any that just say “You are my dad”? How about “You screwed my mom”? You got any of those? I’ll get a blank one. It’s fine. All right. “You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card.” Nailed it. When you have a nightmare as a kid, you can run somewhere for comfort. You can go to your parents, “I had a dream there was a werewolf and a vampire, and my hands were snakes.” They’re like, “You’re an idiot! Go back to sleep. None of that’s real. Why did we have you?” You’re like, “Okay, awesome.” As an adult, you wake up from nightmares. “I had a dream there was an earthquake and I got cancer and you cheated on me.” Everybody’s like, “Oh, yeah, that’ll probably happen.” They’re not even dreams. They’re just premonitions. So I started taking these edibles at night, chocolate-covered blueberries, ’cause if I’mma be a drug addict, I’mma have a treat. And… When I started taking them, I was so nervous about becoming a druggie that I would cut them in half and then just nibble on half until I got sleepy. Do you know how afraid of your own personality you have to be to be hunched over one blueberry? The smallest of the fruits. With a plastic knife from Taco Bell. Just like, “Ooh, be careful. You don’t want to be fun to hang out with.” I’ve never been drunk ’cause I’m pretty sure I’m an alcoholic. The only times I’ve ever wanted to drink are alone in a La Quinta Inn. I’m told that’s where you’re not supposed to do it. So I stay away from the stuff. I have been pulled over for drunk driving completely sober, which is a great way to find out that you’re a terrible driver. When cops are stopping you on the highway, like, “Are you wasted?” You’re like, “No, officer. That… was my best.” That cop didn’t believe me either. He kept hounding me. “How much have you had to drink? How much? How much have you had?” Finally I was like, “You don’t understand. “I’m not drunk. I’ve never been drunk. I don’t even know how. I’m a little sad. Is there a sad driving test?” I think they should have one. Like instead of a breathalyzer, they just have you sigh into a harmonica. And if it’s on pitch, they’re like, “Out of the car, Johnny Cash. Can’t have you on the road.” But I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my life, you guys, because I’m 25, and I don’t want to party, I don’t want to hook up, and I guess I’m not ready to get married, so what is left for me to do? Judge people. Exactly. So… I was on Facebook this week. Just making sure my family is still racist, and… That’s a joke. I don’t have to check. And… I saw that a girl I went to high school with just got back from her honeymoon, and she posted that she’s going to be taking a break from social media. Have you guys seen people do this? Yeah, these heroes of the internet. Their big announcement. “Hear ye! Hear ye! I will be taking a break from social media, #Brave.” Dude, nobody wanted to see a picture of your sandwich on Wednesday. No one’s gonna miss it on Friday. All right? Also, why are you posting about the fact you’re going to stop posting soon? That’s like toasting you’re gonna quit drinking in the morning. You’re not off to a great start, sweetheart. This girl made a whole video for Instagram, Facebook, all of them. “Hey, guys. Suppose you probably heard I just got married. And I’m going to be taking a little bit of a break from social media, just to focus on my new wifely duties.” “Wifely duty”? I’m like, “You can’t blow your husband and share cat videos?” You have two hands. Multitask. Like… Get an apron. I thought it was weird though, so I played the video backwards. You play it backwards, she’s like, “I’ve made a huge mistake. Come pick me up. He’s so boring.” We’re like, “Yeah, we know. We met him.” He’s the type of guy, you get halfway home from the theme park before you’re like, “Shit! Where’s Doug? No, we have to go back. My wallet’s in his fanny pack, so…” Oh, do not feel bad for Doug. He’s terrible. Every time he tells a story, somewhere a child loses a balloon. I went to their wedding. I’m so glad I did. I learned a lot. If you’re single, go to as many weddings as possible so you can walk around, just like, “Okay, not this.” We watched her walk down the aisle for what felt like 45 minutes to an hour. Oh, my God. These 20-something brides are really milking that walk. She’s like… [whispers] “I am a princess.” It’s like, “You’re Bigfoot. Speed it up. We have lives.” I swear, when I get married, I’m gonna jog a little bit down the aisle, like I’ve been in a crosswalk too long, just like, “I see the numbers going down. I’mma have you out of here in nine seconds.” So she gets about halfway down. Everybody’s like, “She’s an angel. She’s beautiful.” She looked okay. And… You ever go to a wedding, like, “Huh. That’s your best? Interesting.” So… Don’t be scared. Let it resonate with you. So… So she gets about halfway down, and I start getting antsy, so I go, “I’m going to check out the groom.” Usually, at this point in the ceremony, the groom’s crying a little bit because she’s so beautiful, he’s so lucky, they made a mistake. Whatever it is. It’s part of the experience, and I wanted my money’s worth. Those knives weren’t cheap. So I look towards the front, not expecting, like, a blubbering mess of a man, just, like, a light produce aisle mist. You know? Like a respectful “let’s keep those zucchinis damp” type of deal. And he was dry as a bone, you guys. Nothing going on. Just another Tuesday for this asshole. It’s cheaper to get married on Tuesday, and… And I thought to myself, “Wow. If that happens to me, I’m going to stop my wedding.” “You know what? Cut the music. Cut– Just cut it real quick. Babe, come here. We’re just gonna… Just– I miss him! [giggles] Sidebar. So much fun. You need to get your shit together. I showed up. I have a spray tan. I’m wearing flavored underwear for you. Yeah, pot roast panties, just like your mom used to make, which is weird. That’s a weird request, but I did it. We’re going to go back– Don’t look at them. Look at me. I’m your future. You focus up, buddy. Oh, don’t start crying now. It’s too late and too early. You save that up ’cause we’re going to go back out there and we’re going to get it right this time, aren’t we? Yeah, we are ’cause if you don’t… ‘Cause if you don’t… I will make your life a living hell. Do you understand me? I could bake you cookies every day, or I can make you miserable forever. I don’t give a shit either way. I just need a project, motherfucker.” [laughter, applause] But it is feelings like this that indicate I am not ready for marriage. I do want to get married, but I think before you get married, you have to make sure that you’re realistic, okay? About what love and relationships are and can be. Not cynical. Don’t go too far. I mean, I made the mistake of babysitting after I broke off my engagement, and that is not the time to be caring for someone with hope. I was so nervous. I’m always nervous to babysit. I don’t want to ruin her life ’cause that’s her parents’ job. So I just put on a Disney movie, and I hid in the kitchen, and I thought, “We’ll get through these four hours together.” Halfway through the Disney movie, this little girl, she’s six years old, she comes running up to me in the kitchen, and she goes, “Taylor… what does being in love feel like?” It’s tough. How do you even begin to explain love to a child that young? How do you begin to explain romance and courtship? It’s complicated. There’s an app. You gotta download it and swipe. There’s a whole… résumé you have to fill out, take a picture from up here, Facetune it. That’s another app, okay? But I didn’t want to lie to her, and I wanted to relate it to something she would have understood, something she would have experienced in her young life. So I thought about it, and I said, “Being in love is sort of like… Okay. Do you remember when you got lost at the grocery store? That was scary, right? But then do you remember how you felt when you finally found your mom? How safe and happy and relieved you were, and how you ran up to her and you grabbed her leg and then you looked up and it wasn’t your mom? That’s kind of what it’s like out here, yeah. [laughs] You think you know somebody. Turns out it’s just some stranger with your mom’s knees. Trust no one. Swipe left.” So that’s not good. But you need to be realistic. I have girlfriends that are terrible about this. A friend told me that she thinks the perfect relationship is one where you feel safe, but not bored. I’m like, “Bitch, get an Xbox. That’s not going to happen.” You have to think about what you want and what you need in a relationship because what you want is usually a fantasy, and what you need is what’s gonna make you truly happy. Same friends. Like, “I want Channing Tatum.” “Well, you need Seth Rogen, so… make peace with it.” I’ve been thinking about what I want and need in a partner because I travel all the time. I have a weird job where I work at night. If I want to have a family, what I need is a stay-at-home dad. The problem is, I don’t want someone who, like, plans to be a stay-at-home dad. Those guys who are like, “I’d love to be a stay-at-home dad. You just sit on the floor, smoke weed, eat crumbs.” That guy sucks. That guy watches your water break and asks you for a ride to the hospital. The only upside to marrying that dude is he’ll never leave the baby in a hot car because he doesn’t have one. I need a guy with goals and drive and ambition, and I need him to give all that up to support mine. I need to find a winner and destroy him. I want to say, “This is my husband. He used to do this.” I can feel some people pulling back. Like, “Taylor, he’s going to resent you.” I know. I’m kind of into that. I’m super into it. I’ve dated dudes that don’t make as much money as me. Almost exclusively. What up! And one of them really hated it, made him feel embarrassed and emasculated, and it was… so hot. Oh, my God. I’m like, “Come here, baby girl. We’ll role-play. You can be the breadwinner tonight. How does that sound? Yeah, you go right back to making pancakes in the morning. Don’t get cocky just ’cause Daddy lent you some pants.” I have a savings account. That makes me Daddy. Then I dated a guy who was super fine with the situation. He’s like, “So you make more money than me? Who cares? Doesn’t matter to me at all.” And I was like, “Well… Okay.” And I don’t need you to be upset always. I just want that edge in our relationship. I need you to choke me in bed, but kind of mean it a little. I want… I want that power struggle to keep it hot. I want you to make passive aggressive comments at dinner parties and make all our friends drive home. Like, “What was that? Are they okay?” Sitting in that circle before dinner, drinking wine, like, “So how are you, Bill?” He’s like, “You know, pretty good. Hard to sleep with all these dead dreams under my pillow. [laughs] Am I laughing? I’ve been practicing. Anyway… I’m just going to get another beer. Honey, do you want anything? I mean, you’ve already taken everything from me. I’m doing finger guns because I can’t shoot you for real.” I’m like, “Don’t worry about him, everyone. You know how they are right before they get their allowance.” Don’t know why some of you seem offended. I’m the one who has to die alone. I’d like to have kids, too, which is a shame because I’m so talented, and… You understand. I don’t know what happened. A few years ago, I was like, “Yeah, I’ll get to kids.” Now it’s like, every day I wake up and my brain goes, “You have goals.” My body’s like, “I’m empty.” All the time. I saw a baby in a fedora last week, and I was like, “I need to make something and put a hat on it right now.” It came from somewhere inside me I didn’t know existed. I felt like a young boy who’d just seen porn for the first time. Just like, “What’s happening to my body? I have to go home forever.” I do still get annoyed with other people’s kids, which I think will keep me empty a little bit longer. My biggest pet peeve are those babies that wave at you from strollers. Have you seen these babies? They’re strangers to you, but they wave like you owe them money or something. Like, “Hi.” Don’t engage. It’s a trap. The same thing happens every time. “Hi. Hi. Hi.” “Hi, sweetie. How are you?” [laughs] You know why they laugh? ‘Cause they just wasted your time. They know one word. It’s not a conversation. That’s a dead end. That would be like me walking up to a French person like, “Bonjour.” They get excited, talk to me in French, and I go… [laughs] Then a bigger person wheels me away in a carriage. “Au revoir, asshole. You thought you made a friend. Baguette.” I do want to have kids, but I want to make sure before I have them that I have made enough mistakes so that I give great advice as a parent. You have to make mistakes, learn from them, and then you give amazing advice. My dad read his Bible every night, he got a scholarship to college, married my mom, and then had us. His advice was terrible. He’d be like, “Don’t do that.” We’re like, “Why?” He’s like, “I don’t know, kid. I read it in a book. I’ve never really lived.” Joel Osteen pose. My uncle was a drug-dealing alcoholic who got shot in the ’90s. I listen to everything that man says. ‘Cause he can back it up. He’s like, “Don’t do that.” “Why?” “‘Cause Uncle Larry pees sitting down now. Go play.” I don’t want to be one of these people that has kids too soon before I think about what it’s gonna be like. My biggest fear is the technology thing. My kids are always going to have the internet. Don’t get me wrong. I’m young. I had the internet pretty early. I got the internet as I was going through puberty, which was awesome. I had a magic box I could hop on and be like, isthishairnormal.com. Upload picture. Someone from Arkansas is like, “You’re probably fine.” I’m like, “Cool. I’m getting back on my bike.” I don’t know what people did during puberty before the internet. Just, like, read Judy Blume until they started tingling. Like, what happened? Can you imagine going through puberty in the 1300s? Back then you were alone. Something weird was happening downstairs. “That’s a little strange. Hope I’m not a witch. I can’t go swimming.” My daughter will always have the internet, from the time that she is born to the time she dies. She’s always gonna have it. And I have to explain to her that the internet is the most beautiful, amazing, disgusting, horrifying thing in the universe. How do you do that in a balanced, measured way? “Hey, sweetie. Have fun on the internet, talk to your friends, do your homework, but be careful ’cause a lot of people on there want to kill you.” “Everyone on the internet wants to kill me?” “Not everybody. Some of ’em are just nice kids from Arkansas who want to let you know your pubic hair is A-OK. But… Yeah, some of them want to wear you like a skin jacket, so just please look out for Mommy. Okay?” “But you met Daddy on the internet.” “That’s different. I met your daddy on a dating app. He sent me a very thoughtful emoji. And um…” [laughter, applause] “Just really saw me for me.” “How did you know Daddy wasn’t a bad internet person who wanted to kill you?” “Look, you little bitch, I didn’t. Okay? But Mommy was going through a dry spell, your daddy had nice shoulders, so I took a fucking chance.” ♪ Tale as old as time ♪ I don’t want to be somebody who has kids before I’m ready to have them. I have a friend who told me in the next year, she either wants to get a dog or have a baby. If you think those are the same thing, you are not ready for either one. A dog or a baby? That’s like saying, “Yeah, I’m either going to get a skateboard or my pilot’s license. Just whatever I have time for.” It is insane to me how easy it is to have and keep a baby. Like, if you get your appendix removed, they won’t let you take it home, but if you have a baby, they’re like, “Here, you dropped this.” And you know there are days at the hospital, nurses look at each other like, “Are we going to let this happen? They both have neck tattoos. One says ‘fuck,’ one says ‘babies.’ Either way they stand, it’s bad news. Really, this is fine? This is fine with you? What were you gonna name her? ‘Big Red,’ after your truck? Yeah, we got to do something.” If you want to adopt a kid, you have to jump through so many hoops, but if you just have one, pft, they’re like, “That’s yours forever.” No questions asked? That’s insane. There’s no exit interview on the way out the hospital to make sure you’re okay? Just like, “Hey, before we hand you a baby forever, can you put this metal bowl in the microwave for me?” [laughter, applause] Some of us not clapping. I encourage you to go home and try that. Nobody tell him. I have a friend who has a seven-year-old, and she shouldn’t. And she just bought him an iPhone. I’m like, “For what?” She’s like, “It’s for protection.” I’m like, “Get him a sword. You’re a terrible mother.” I said, “Do you punish this little prince?” She goes, “Yes. As a matter of fact, sometimes I will take away that iPhone for a whole week and make him use a flip phone.” Yeah. A flip phone’s a punishment now. All over the United States, there are little kids going, “No! All I can play is Snake.” That is not a punishment. You want to hear a real punishment? When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to walk to school in the morning with my friends because my dad said I’d get abducted. But then anytime I forgot to do a chore, he would make me walk home from school alone, as if to say, “You don’t want to do your dishes? We don’t care if you disappear this week.” That’s a punishment. That’s why I’m up here. I was trying to understand my friend’s parenting style because I don’t have kids ’cause I’m responsible. And I said, “Have you thought about alternative punishments?” And she goes, “Like what?” “I don’t know. Chores, grounding, spanking.” She’s like… [gasps] I’m like, “Is he behind me? Did he hear? Where is he? You got eyes on him?” She’s like, “I can’t believe you suggested I spank my child.” I said, “Whoa, nobody suggested that. I don’t believe in spanking, but I did get spanked, so there’s a bitter part of me that was like, ‘They’ll not have it better than me,’ that I had to work through in therapy. And I’ve done that work. I wasn’t sure if you had. It was just a question. Also, why are you acting like I invented spanking? I didn’t come in here, like, ‘You know what would be good?’ We both got spanked. What are you talking about?” I got spanked growing up. Did you guys get spanked? Yeah. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. If we keep saying it, will we be fine? Maybe. You know, every three years, you’re like, “Was I abused? Let’s not ruin Christmas.” Have you guys realized your parents messed you up yet? Have you found that stray dent in your head? “What happened there?” They’re like, “We did our best. That’s what happened there. You were slippery, so…” You had this happen as adults: you realize your parents messed you up based on how other people react to stories about your childhood. Stories you thought were fine ’cause when you’re a kid, you’re stupid. You’re just like, “Everybody gets tied in the yard. [laughs] Happy Fourth of July.” Fast forward ten years, you’re at a work party, everyone’s going around swapping stories, like, “Yeah, my mom was crazy. She used to make us take our shoes off in the house.” And you’re like, “Oh, my God. I know! We wore muzzles at night. What happened? Why’d everyone get sad? We could wear them on the carpet. It wasn’t like her thing.” But my friend was very offended, and I felt terrible, and I said, “I’m very sorry.” And she said, “You know what, Taylor? I’m never going to spank my kid. Our parents shouldn’t have spanked us either. Spanking is the same as hitting.” And I was like, “Okay, back up. There was a huge difference between what my parents did and hitting. Location, location, location. They never spanked me in the face. There’s stuff in my face. People can see that, all right? There was nothing in my butt except justice for my parents.” I got spanked so much growing up, I thought that’s what your butt was for. I thought God made the first kid and was like, “I’d better add some fat somewhere in case this starts mouthing off at Olive Garden.” Parents are so nice to their kids now. It’s crazy. I mean, parents apologize to their children. Did you know apologies went that direction? Did you know you could drive backwards on the freeway? It’s crazy town out there. The closest my parents ever got to apologizing was this… “You’re okay. You’re all right.” “You’re okay” was code for, “Don’t call anybody. Let’s just chalk this up to a whoopsie-daisy. I think mistakes were made on both sides. Walk it off. I love you.” My friends talk to their children like they’re human beings. Like they’re equals. They get down here at eye level. They make eye contact. I didn’t know the color of my father’s eyes till I was 22 years old. And that’s just ’cause his license fell out of his wallet once. They’re down here, like, “Hey, buddy. How’s the Lunchable treating you? Good? Awesome. Well, if you have any feedback for me, notes, input of any kind, I would love to hear it. You know why? ‘Cause it’s your childhood. I’m just honored to be a part of it.” Anybody recognize any part of that speech? My parents were amazing parents. I love them very much. They did a fantastic job, but they were old-school, tough love, no coddling parents. All right? When I was 15, I told my dad, “I’m very depressed. I need a therapist. I’ve been thinking about killing myself.” And he took a knife out of the knife drawer, shook it over his head and went, “Be my guest.” And I was like, “Wow! I don’t want you to fix it. I just want you to listen.” The best part of that story is, I brought it up to him recently, and he just goes, “Oh, yeah. I remember that.” [laughter] I’m like, “Yeah, me too, every week in therapy.” He’s like, “I called your bluff, though, didn’t I? Look who’s not dead, drama queen.” I’m like, “Okay. Touché, big guy. Only on the inside. [stilted laughter] Am I laughing? I’ve been practicing.” There’s no healthy fear of your parents anymore. Nobody’s scared of their parents. I was terrified of my parents. I never talked back to my mom, except for once. She was spanking me in the church parking lot because you gotta get rid of those demons before you enter the house of the Lord. So she’s cleansing her soul, a little pre-communion, and halfway through, I go, “That didn’t hurt.” And she went black in the eyes, and in a voice I’d never heard, goes, “Oh… Well, then, we’re going to have to make it hurt.” And for the rest of my childhood, wooden spoon. She went Martha Stewart on my ass. I still cannot watch the Food Network. Great British Bake Off doesn’t calm me down. But I never talked back again. You try to spank a kid now, they’ll laugh in your face. They’ll be bent over on the iPhone you pay for, looking up reasons why you’re a dickhead. “Really? You’re going to go through with this, even though Psychology Today says that you’re undermining my well-being long-term? All right, Eileen, you stupid bitch. You do what you got to do. [laughter] [woman in audience] Yeah! I’ll be down here playing Angry Birds and googling how you live with yourself.” By the time I have kids, they’re gonna be monsters. “How dare you address me directly? Avert your eyes. And get out your boob. I’m hungry. The big one.” I’m like, “Who gave you an accent?” I had amazing parents. I keep saying that in case anyone here knows them. Anyone can come to these. I love my parents. I think if you expect your parents to be perfect, you’re immature. Okay? Parents aren’t these magical, perfect beings. They’re just people who suck, like the rest of us. That’s how we should introduce them. “These are my people, Rhonda and Tim. They do what they can.” My dad was very overprotective. He had four daughters, which means he was just like playing dick goalie and… You don’t have to laugh. He hates that joke too. His biggest fear was that one of us would become sexually active before we got married, and, uh, some of us have been activated, so that’s… Can’t take this back to Best Buy. “I’ve spilled some stuff on it.” On it. In it. The keys don’t work. It’s over. So… I would hate to be the father of four daughters. It seems very stressful. My younger sister’s in college. She had lingerie delivered to my parents’ house once ’cause she’s an idiot with an Amazon Prime account. And my dad opened the box because he’s a middle-aged man who pays the mortgage, and if a box comes to his house… that’s his box. He didn’t talk to anybody about it. He just opened the box, freaked out, and then hid it behind a plant in his room. That was his solution. Just like… [quavering] “Well, she can’t have sex without her underwear.” I really respect my dad a lot. You know why? He was never a hypocrite. He was just as strict with himself as he always was with us. We found porn on my dad’s computer once, and it was like the porn of a good man. Like, I think he Googled “missionary.” Like, I don’t even think… he was looking for porn. I think he was trying to become a missionary, and he just got lost. The internet just duped him. He’s like, “That’s not my wife. Why is she naked?” I’m the only person who’s ever found porn on their dad’s computer and gained respect for him. It wasn’t even porn. It was just a pop-up. I know that sounds naïve to say, but my dad doesn’t watch porn. He won’t even watch sex scenes in movies and TV shows. One came on in a theater once, and he marched out like it was a protest. He came back 40 minutes later. I was like, “Wow, remind me to high-five Mom. I’m like, “Where were you? You missed half the movie.” He’s like, “Well, we’re not at home. You can’t fast-forward.” I was like, “You fast-forward through sex scenes in your own house?” He’s like, “Damn straight. God is everywhere.” And I said, “Bless your heart. You deserve to see some boobs that you’re not married to every once in a while.” So I bought him Game of Thrones on DVD. [laughter, cheering] I said, “You can’t fast-forward. They’re talking while they’re naked. It’s important.” I’m so glad I was raised by my dad. I mean, I think I’m so much like him. He’s made me the person I am. He’s the reason I do stand-up. I don’t watch porn. Not ’cause I’m against it. I just never got into it. The same way some adults didn’t read Harry Potter. You missed your letter to Hogwarts. I have a friend… hates it. She’s like, “I hate pornography, Taylor.” She calls it “pornography,” like a loser. And I said, “Why is that?” And she goes, “Because it sets unrealistic expectations for men and women. It’s so unrealistic.” I’m like, “Have you seen porn? It’s, like, very realistic. Like… Like, they are fucking. I think you saw Star Wars.” She goes, “No, Taylor. It’s unrealistic ’cause those women aren’t finishing, okay? They’re faking it.” And I was like, “Yeah, it’s super realistic. Isn’t that what we’re all doing?” Fake it till you make it. Back to your place to finish yourself off. Am I right? That’s a joke. I’ve never faked it. I’ve never loved someone that much. I don’t hand out trophies for showing up. Grab an orange slice and a Gatorade. Get back down there. Let’s see some hustle, Anderson. You guys are absolutely amazing. Thank you so much. [applause, cheering] ♪ Darling, go ♪ ♪ Watch your head ♪ ♪ Don’t look down, baby, under the bed ♪ ♪ Let it show what you’ve read ♪ ♪ Underground making love to the dead ♪ ♪ I wear the crown like a clown on the promenade ♪ ♪ Dripping wet with regret and some heartache ♪ ♪ Strip down back and down Do you like the taste? ♪ ♪ On the floor, gimme more Don’t you hesitate ♪ ♪ Darling go Watch your head ♪ ♪ Don’t look down… ♪ [zipping]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Taylor Tomlinson: Look at You (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-look-at-you-transcript/

[upbeat music] [sentimental music] [announcer] Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson! [audience cheering] Thank you so much! [cheering] Thank you! Thank you, guys, so much! Thank you! I so, so appreciate you guys being here. It’s been a rough couple of years. I got bangs at one point. Shit got dark. [audience laughs] I didn’t even want bangs. I just needed people to check on me. And it works, by the way. You post a selfie in bangs, everybody’s like, “Fire emoji. You go, girl!” Then they text you, like, “You okay?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I did. I got bangs and then two days later, I did mushrooms for the first time. [audience laughs] And as soon as I did those mushrooms, I was like, “I should’ve done these first. [audience laughs] Probably wouldn’t have gotten these bangs if I forgave myself, huh?” [audience laughs] But you know what? Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you’re just looking at your friends, like, “Do I look weird? [audience laughs] You guys would tell me if I looked weird, right? Is it… Is it bad different? Is it not good… You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t want to do it. It’s too late? It’s already happening? Okay, no, I can be this person.” I got back into therapy. Anybody in therapy? [audience cheers] Mostly women. That’s the problem. [audience laughs] It’s very hard to stay in therapy. My old therapist told me that when I get close to people, I have a tendency to self-sabotage. And I thought that was bullshit, so I ghosted her. [audience laughs] And then… I finally went back because I finally dated enough people who all gave me the exact same feedback about my shitty personality. You know, that romantic quota you hit where you’re, like, [laughing] “Uh-oh! Might be me! [audience laughs] Oh, the reviews are in and they are [blows raspberry] unanimous. That’s a bummer.” So after a really bad breakup a few years ago, I finally took a long hard look at myself and said, “Okay, Taylor, five out of five dudes all think that in fights, you behave like a raccoon trapped in a trash bag.” [audience laughs] “So maybe it’s time to get some Klonopin or a rabies shot.” [audience laughs] I am fully medicated now. Anybody else? Anti-depressants? [audience cheers] Medication? Yeah. Nice. What are we on? Shout it out. [audience shouting indistinctly] Zoloft, Lexapro. Oh! Look at us. Gang’s all here! [audience laughs] Oh my God! I’m also on something. I would never say what, that’s very personal, but… [audience laughs] No, I’m kidding. I’m on a few things. I am on Klonopin as needed for panic attacks. I’m so glad I have Klonopin now because before I had medication for it, I would have panic attacks right when I had to be somewhere, which is the worst time to get them ’cause then you just have to pinch the panic attack off like a shit you don’t have time to take. [audience laughs] You know what I mean? When you’re, like, “Okay, I got 60% of that out of my system. [audience laughs] I’m not done but I gotta go to work. [audience laughs] I will get to the other 40 later or I’ll finish in the big stall at lunch if no one’s in there. [audience laughs] I got put on something else for sleep because I have night terrors. There’s no fun, casual way to say that. [giggles] “Wake up screaming and…” [audience laughs] These sleeper time pills I got are great. They don’t stop the nightmares but they do hold you down while they’re happening. [audience laughs] Which sounds bad but before, I’d wake up in the middle so afraid and now, I stay asleep until the nightmare’s natural conclusion, [audience laughs] which provides you with some closure. [audience laughs] You’re like, “Oh, he stabs me at the end. [audience gasps] Okay, plot twist, M. Nightmare Shyamalan.” [audience laughs] I thought I was on an anti-depressant. It turns out I’m not. It turns out I’m actually on a mood stabilizer that they use as an anti-depressant. Fun fact about prescription drugs. Everything they prescribe, they actually use for, like, four different things. So you don’t really know what your deal is until you find a combo that works and then Google all your pills by yourself. [audience laughs] So after years of trial and error, I finally found a combination of things that worked for me, and six months ago, I decided to Google it ’cause what the hell. And it turns out that everything I’m taking is primarily used for bipolar disorder. So I went back to my psychiatrist and I was, like, “Hey. [audience laughs] Do we think…?” [audience laughs] And she was, like, “Oh! Yeah!” [audience laughs] And I was, like, “Is this how you fucking tell people?” [audience laughs] And she’s, like, “No, of course not. We didn’t know. I’m glad we figured it out.” And I was, like, “We?” [audience laughs] I said, “You really didn’t know that I was bipolar?” And she goes, “No, of course not. We thought we were treating anxiety and depression.” And I said, “Okay. ‘Cause this kinda feels like a putting your dog’s medication in cheese situation.” [audience laughs] And I was, like, “I don’t know how I feel about this diagnosis.” And she goes, “Well, if it makes you feel better, you don’t have to say, ‘I am bipolar.’ You can say, ‘I have bipolar.'” [audience chuckles] Which feels a lot like someone going, “I said you were being a bitch.” [audience laughs] I’m so glad I know that I’m bipolar now. I mean, I have the right meds, I got a mood ring, I’m handling it. [audience laughs] But when I first found out, it was a very tough pill to swallow. And I’ve swallowed a lot of pills. [audience laughs] Because when you first find out something like that, you’re, like, “Oh man, am I gonna tell anybody? Should I tell anybody? And if I do tell people, am I hot and/or talented enough to be an inspiration?” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] Like, if I have a thing and someone else has that thing and they find out I have it too, are they gonna feel good or bad with that information? Because when I got diagnosed, they started listing names. They were, like, “You know who else is bipolar? Selena Gomez.” And I was, like, “That does make me feel better. [audience laughs] She is very pretty. [audience laughs] Okay, I’ll be bipolar.” [audience laughs] I did not grow up in a household that was very, like, mental health-conscious. Like, we were very religious. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to tell your conservative dad that you have a mental health issue. It doesn’t go great. When I was in high school, I was like, “Dad, I think I’m depressed.” And he was, like, “You just need some protein. Get a scoop of peanut butter.” [audience laughs] Yeah, there’s a lot of dads out there just white-knuckling it through life right now, clinging to a jar of chunky Jif like it’s the answer, just a buoy in the storm. “It’ll pass!” [audience laughs] The only mental health advice my dad ever gave me is I was having panic attacks in high school and I didn’t know what they were and I was very stressed out. And I was, like, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do when I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.” And he goes, “Alright. All I can tell you is that when you feel like this, get as far away from the people you care about as possible… [audience laughs] …until you feel different.” Which is advice you give a werewolf, like… [audience laughs] “Just run into the woods ’til you’re not a monster anymore. Don’t let them see you change. They won’t accept you for what you truly are.” [audience laughs] And I had friends who scared me too when I was trying to get on medication. They were, like, “Ugh, I tried. I tried anti-depressants. I didn’t like how I felt on them. I didn’t feel like myself.” And now that I’m on them, I’m, like, “Yeah, me neither! It’s the best.” [audience laughs] Okay? And I do feel like myself. I just feel like now someone’s sitting on me going, “Shh! [audience laughs] Stop talking. You will ruin everything. We are… We are trying to help you. You’d be married right now if you just shut the hell up. [audience laughs] Remember that? Yeah, us too. We are trying to help you. Go to sleep. Choose a different adventure.” [audience laughs] And they warn you about the side effects when you get on medication. They go, “You know, your sex drive might go down.” And I’ll be honest, I have experienced that since I got on medication, but I can’t tell if my sex drive is lower or if my self-esteem is just higher now. [audience laughs] You know? [audience claps, cheers] It’s, like, am I not in the mood, or do I just not need the validation? Which is it? Because depression will bring you to your knees and you’re, like, “While I’m down here, might as well make someone feel good. I… do not want to waste a trip.” [audience whoops] If you’re not laughing, congrats on your serotonin. [audience laughs] And if you’re, like, “What’s serotonin?” Don’t worry. You have enough. [audience laughs] I wasn’t sure if I was gonna talk about it on stage, and then I needed new material and I was, like, “Fire sale! Everything goes.” [audience laughs] No, truthfully, I was surprised that I felt so bad about it ’cause I think I’m pretty open-minded. And I don’t think anybody should feel bad if they get diagnosed with a mental illness ’cause it’s just information about you that helps you know how to take better care of yourself. [audience cheers] Yeah. Being bipolar, there’s nothing wrong with it. Being bipolar is like not knowing how to swim. It might be embarrassing to tell people and it might be hard to take you certain places. [audience laughs] [audience continues laughing] But they have arm floaties. [audience laughs] And if you just take your arm floaties, you can go wherever the hell you want. [audience laughs] And… I know some of you are, like, “But Taylor, what if people judge me for taking arm floaties?” Well, those people don’t care if you live or die, so maybe who cares? [audience whoops] Maybe fuck those people a little. [audience cheers] I don’t know. That being said, you have to take your arm floaties [audience laughs] because it’s not cool to know you can’t swim, go to the public pool anyway, and jump into the deep end, making it everyone else’s problem. [audience laughs] And you thrash around going, “I’m good!” They’re like, “You’re literally drowning.” And then someone nice and handsome jumps in to help you. And you’re, like, “See? I’m fine. I can totally swim.” And they’re, like, “No, you’re holding him underwater. [audience laughs] You turned Kevin into an arm floaty [audience laughs] and that’s not a fair relationship for Kevin.” [audience laughs] Then someone floats by you on their back and you’re, like, “What was that?” And they’re, like, “Oh, that’s someone whose parents supported them in the pool… [audience laughs] …until they could be trusted not to die. [audience laughs] Here are your arm floaties.” [audience laughs] I was very nervous to tell friends of mine I was bipolar because I thought they would think of me differently. And then I told all my friends and nobody did and it was actually pretty insulting. [audience laughs] Because I’ve had friends tell me they were bipolar and I was, like, “What? You? You’re kidding.” And then I told my friends and they were, like, “That checks out. That’s… [audience laughs] That connects a lot of dots for us.” I told Dustin, one of my best friends in the whole world, and he goes, “Yeah, your mental illness was kinda like your middle name. I didn’t know what it was but I knew that you had one.” [audience laughs] It’s really good. That was not the feedback I kept getting from romantic partners, by the way. [audience laughs] That’s not what finally made me get help. Every guy I’ve ever dated has told me I have trust issues, which is something liars say when you’re on to them. [audience laughs] [in deep voice] “You have trust issues, babe.” You have a hot co-worker and a locked phone, so… [audience laughs] I have trust issues but I earned them, okay? [audience laughs] I absolutely earned them, like, I got cheated on in college. My college boyfriend was sleeping with sex workers behind my back, or prostitutes if you’re old and don’t know that word’s not okay to use anymore. Sometimes older crowd members could get confused ’cause they’re, like, “What is a sex worker?” “Is that what my granddaughter does on Instagram?” [audience laughs] And you’re, like, “No, no, no, she’s just hot. That’s a FabFitFun box.” “That’s a different…” [audience laughs] “That’s a different thing.” [audience laughs] “Your granddaughter doesn’t… That’s not a job.” “That’s not real.” [audience laughs] You can’t say prostitute anymore. Calling a sex worker a prostitute is like calling a comedian a clown. You’re not technically wrong but you are a fucking asshole, so… [audience laughs] But I told my therapist I got cheated on like this and she didn’t say what I wanted her to say, which was, “Poor baby, sweetie, this session is free.” [audience laughs] Instead, she goes, “Well, you might be a self-fulfilling prophecy.” And I was like, “Oh!” And she’s like, “No, it’s a bad thing.” And I was like, [audience laughs] “Well, then could you say I have self-fulfilling prophecy? [audience laughs] Is Selena Gomez a self-fulfilling prophecy?” [audience laughs] And I said, “What does that mean, I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy?” And she goes, “Well, sometimes we expect someone to treat us poorly, so we treat them like they’re going to treat us poorly until they do.” “You thought someone was gonna cheat on you, so you treated them like they were gonna cheat on you until they did cheat on you, and then you were like, ‘See?'” [audience chuckles] And I was like, “Oh.” [audience laughs] “So I’m a witch.” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] And she’s like, “Oh! So close. You’re a bitch.” “You gotta…” [audience laughs] I’m like, “Whatever. All I heard was Gryffindor!” [audience laughs] I am working on my trust issues. I was so much worse when I first started seeing my therapist. I told her like first session, I was like, “The guy I’m dating keeps answering my phone calls, ‘Hey, beautiful?'” [audience laughs] And she’s like, “So, what’s the problem?” I was like, “I mean, I don’t know yet.” [audience laughs] “But when I find out who ‘Beautiful’ is…” [audience laughs] She’s like, “Do you think it might be you?” I was like, “I’m sorry. I thought we were here to work.” [audience laughs] I think I’m cute or whatever now, but I was an ugly kid with honest parents, and that shit stays in your bones, alright? If you were an ugly kid with honest parents, I don’t care how attractive you grow up to be, at any point, if someone’s like, “You look really nice today,” you’re like, “Yeah, whatever. I know the Goddamn truth.” [audience laughs] When I was ten, I said, “Dad, am I pretty?” And his response was, “Look.” [audience laughs] “I’m not the best looking guy, right?” “No, but I wake up every morning and I try.” [audience laughs] “I…” “I take a shower, I put on a nice suit, and I do okay!” [audience whoops] And then he went to work. [audience laughs] And I became a comedian, I guess. [audience laughs] That was his response to his ten-year-old daughter. Just like, “You and me, potato face, these were the cards we were dealt.” “Get clean and match.” “That’s all you can do. Don’t sleep on wet hair. Can’t do that.” “Maybe wear a hat sometimes. Cover up some of that head.” “I’m sorry there’s so much of it.” [audience laughs] I think I’m pretty. I have a big head. I know I do ’cause every guy I’ve ever dated has made a point to be like, “I love your big head.” [audience laughs] That’s my favorite thing guys do when they compliment the thing you hate most about yourself, they’re like, “I love your soft arms.” You’re like, “Okay. [audience laughs] Yeah? I love your weird balls. How does it feel? [audience laughs] [audience cheers] How does it feel to be accepted?” [audience chuckles] I’m a nightmare to date. [audience laughs] Anything nice you do or say, I’m just like, “Whatever.” I dated a guy once who told me that flirting with me was like punching water. [audience laughs] And I was like, “Why? ‘Cause it’s pointless or ’cause you look stupid doing it?” [audience laughs] He’s like, “Did you hear it?” I’m like, “I heard it that time. Yeah.” [audience laughs] And then he cheated on me, so, you know, prophecy fulfilled! [audience laughs] I can’t help it. At the beginning of a relationship with a guy, I just assume anything nice he does is he a move he pulls on everybody and I’m not gonna fall for your choreography, sir. [audience laughs] I’m like, “Oh, is this… is this your move? You open the car door for me on the date? [woman laughs] Is this like your move? [chuckles] This is how you do it? That’s cute. Bet that works a lot.” [audience laughs] “Oh, is this… is this your move? You go with me to my grandpa’s funeral, hold an umbrella over my head in the rain? [audience laughs] Is this like… Is this like your move? This is how you do it? [audience laughs] Like, ‘Whoops, don’t get wet.’ ‘Oops! I am.’ Whatever. [audience laughs, cheers] This ain’t my first rodeo. I used to have two grandpas.” [audience laughs] [audience chuckles] “Oh, is this… Is this your move? [audience chuckles] You die next to me in a hospital bed at 86 years old holding my hand for all eternity? Is this like your move? This is how you get pussy?” [audience laughs] He’s like, “We’ve been together for 60 years.” I’m like, “You’re a fuckboy and I know it! [audience laughs] Don’t bury me with this guy. He’s been dying with other people behind my back. [audience laughs] I can’t prove it. Check his phone when he uses the bedpan.” [audience laughs] And that’s why we’re in therapy. [audience laughs] People are scared to go to therapy because they think it’s someone sitting in a chair going, “You suck.” But it’s not. It’s you in a chair going, “I suck.” [audience laughs] And then your therapist is like, “That’s great. Let’s start there.” [audience laughs] Therapy just helps you to get to the bottom of why you’re trash, okay? You go into therapy and you’re like, “Here’s all the stuff that sucks about me.” And she goes, “Okay.” And she puts it all up on the wall like you’re solving a crime together. Fun! [audience laughs] And then she gets some of that red string that detectives use at home when they’ve been thrown off the case for going rogue [audience laughs] and she starts connecting each crappy thing about you to each one of your corresponding childhood traumas, and you’re like, “Oh my God! That’s why I’m like this.” And she’s like, “That’s why you’re like this.” And you’re like, “Am I fixed now?” And she’s like, “God, no! [audience laughs] No, no, no.” You’re like, “Well, what do I do now?” She’s like, “Well, you keep coming back in here every week with your credit card.” And you’re like, “What? Will I ever be fixed?” She’s like, “I don’t know. Bring your credit card!” [audience laughs] I’ve got to the bottom of a lot of stuff in therapy. I’m an emotional eater. I don’t know if anybody else identifies with that. [audience whoops] Cool. Seven people. Everyone else is like, “No, we just eat until we’re almost full and then we thank God for the opportunity, okay.” [audience laughs] “Food is just fuel for me.” If you’re one of those, fuck right off, for real. [audience laughs] I’ll refund your money. I don’t need your support. [audience cheers] I’m doing fine. If you don’t know what an emotional eater is, it just means you like eat to cope with uncomfortable feelings. So if I’m like sad or anxious or awake, I like to be eating to take the edge off. [audience laughs] If you still don’t know if that’s you, you can ask yourself a few questions to find out. Number one. When you eat nachos in public, do you get kinda mad that other people are there to see it? [audience laughs] Do you feel like nachos should come with a privacy curtain? I do. [audience laughs] Have all the best meals of your life taken place in your own car around 11 p.m.? [audience laughs] Under a flickering streetlamp? Have you ever eaten a brownie while you felt okay [audience laughs] and wished you were sad… [audience laughs] …so that it tasted better? [audience laughs] Sounds like more than seven of us. [audience laughs] In therapy, I figured out the day in my childhood I became an emotional eater. I was eight years old and I was eating a bagel in the kitchen and my dad came in and he goes, “You’re gonna want to put that bagel down. I gotta tell you something.” And that’s when he told me that my mom had died. So somewhere in my brain, something clicked, like, “Oh, when you stop eating bread, [audience laughs] people perish.” [audience laughs] I went back to fourth grade like the angel of death. Everyone’s like, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” I’m like, “Stop eating bread, now your mom’s dead, dude. [audience laughs] They left out that second part but…” I had a lisp when I was eight. I tell you guys that because no one told me. [audience laughs] They pulled me aside a year later at school. Someone’s like, “Taylor, your teacher thinks you might be struggling with a speech impediment.” I’m like, [with lisp] “What’s a speech impediment? [audience laughs] [with lisp] Are you sure you have the right person, ’cause… I’m crushing it out there.” [audience laughs] And they’re like, “You didn’t do anything wrong. You just pronounce your words a little differently, like you say “sh” instead of “ss” for your S’s, does that make sense? And I was like, [with lisp] “I’m pretty sure I would have noticed [audience laughs] if I said ‘sh’ instead of ‘sh’. Hope you find who you’re looking for. [audience laughs] If you have any follow-up questions, I’ll be on the see-saw.” [audience laughs] I know dead mom jokes make people uncomfortable. I know that and if you are uncomfortable, I don’t know what to say, you should’ve worked harder so it was you up here. [audience laughs, cheers] No, honestly, I never want to make people feel uncomfortable with that information. So much so that I used to lie to everybody. Growing up, I used to tell everybody that my parents were separated so I wouldn’t have to say my mom’s dead. And that worked very well until recently a friend of mine found out I had lied and she was very upset. [audience laughs] She was like, “Your mom’s dead? Taylor, you told me your parents were separated.” And I was like, “Well, they were! [audience laughs] By Jesus.” [audience laughs] Both her parents are alive, so she has no idea how funny that is but… [audience laughs] She’ll get it eventually, right? Like that joke is a slow burn. [audience laughs] Kinda like cancer, which is what got mine, hey oh! [audience laughs] Okay, alright. [audience laughs] [groans] Here’s the deal, Boston. [audience laughs] We have another, like, six minutes of dead mom jokes. [audience laughs] I know. You’re getting like, “Whoa, no, six minutes is a long time.” It won’t feel long. I have cushioned her, alright? [audience laughs] I have laid my dead mom to rest in a beautiful casket of dick jokes and pop culture references. There’s something for everybody over the next six minutes. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll forget she’s dead. [audience laughs] But I know a lot’s happening for you as a crowd right now because you’re like, “Taylor, we’re good people. Good people wouldn’t laugh at dead mom jokes.” I’m here to tell you that if you’re trying to be a good person at a comedy show, you’re wasting your God damn time. [audience laughs] Trying to be a good person at a comedy show is like trying to recycle at a theme park. You’re already in here and part of the problem, put your hands up and have fun. [audience laughs] And I know you’re good people. You’re like, “Taylor, we’ve known you for 25 minutes. We hate that anything bad ever happened to you even once.” Thank you so much, Boston. But what you have to understand is the bad thing already happened and now I’m talking about it into a microphone in front of people who paid to be here, [audience laughs] which means now the bad thing is money. [audience laughs] Do you think I’d be this successful at my age if I had a live mom? [audience laughs] [audience whoops] [shouts] Fuck no! [audience laughs] I’d be a creative writing teacher who loved myself and I’d be sitting in the dark with you pheasants, okay? [audience laughs] She’s in heaven, I’m on Netflix, it all worked out. [audience cheers] That is a real thing I said in therapy. [audience laughs] To which my therapist responded, “You should come in twice this week.” [audience laughs] Some people get sad because I was eight when it happened. But eight is a great time to lose a parent because you’re so stupid, you barely know what’s going on. When I was eight, I was like, the only people I know with dead moms are Disney princesses. [audience chuckles] So like, this sucks but am I about to get hot? [audience laughs] Then I hit puberty and I was like, “Oh no, I guess God just hates me right now, that’s a bummer.” That’s a joke. God doesn’t hate anybody, alright? Not anymore. [audience laughs] But have you read the Old Testament? Holy shit. [audience laughs] The Old Testament is my favorite Taylor Swift album. It is… [audience laughs] It is banger after banger. Just like, “You don’t believe in me? [in singsong voice] Snakes! Look what you made me do.” [audience laughs] I’m a 20-something white woman, obviously, I’m gonna compare T. Swift to the Lord, alright? [audience laughs] She is the only god I still believe in, alright? [audience cheers] I don’t see God God revamping his old shit and let’s be honest, he probably should ’cause the people who own it now suck. [audience laughs, cheers] It does grow you up very quickly, losing a parent that young. I mean, I saw a dead body when I was eight which means I saw a dead body years before I saw a dick. And that is not the order that shit should go in [audience laughs] according to the American Girl Body book. [audience laughs] Although maybe it should be ’cause you know what’s crazy? A dick? Way more traumatizing than your dead mom. [audience laughs] Oh my God, it’s so much worse. I saw my mom, I was like, “That lady used to make me snacks, now she’s very still.” I saw a dick for the first time, I was like, “Oh my God! Who took Jabba the Hutt’s eyes? [audience laughs] You have done nothing for me. No, no, no. No, I didn’t say Beetlejuice even one time!” [audience laughs] I haven’t seen that many dicks and I don’t want to see any more and it’s nothing against men, I’m attracted to you for some reason but I swear to God, every time you see a new dick, there is an adjustment period, isn’t there? [audience laughs] Just a real quick like… [huffs deeply] and we’re back in it, alright. [audience laughs] I have stayed in relationships too long ’cause I just wasn’t ready to see a fresh one. I just couldn’t [audience laughs] couldn’t wrap my head around it, literally or figuratively. I just… I just didn’t have it in me, couldn’t have it in me. And… [audience laughs] I don’t care how many dicks you’ve seen, every time you see a new dick, it feels like jumping into a cold pool. Just like, [nervously] “Alright, let me just swim around, get used to this one.” “Okay, alright, this one’s deeper than the last one but that’s okay.” “That’s alright. This is why we take our arm floaties, you know, for moments like these.” [audience claps, cheers] [grunting] Just control your breathing, hot girl summer, bitch, you can do it. [audience laughs] I think of the genitalia options available, I think dick seem friendlier, you know. They’re up, they’re happy to see you, they’re wagging, I’ve never had sex. [audience laughs] It’s like a front tail, right? [audience laughs] I’ll Google it, it’s fine. It’s all speculation. I’ve never seen a vagina, not even my own, I’m a Christian. [audience laughs] But from what I hear, it is very spooky down there. It’s just a dark spooky hole, like, a hole? I’m sorry, what? Every time someone fingers me, I’m like, “You are very trusting, sir, because…” [audience laughs] “…I don’t even know where that goes.” “That might be where I keep the bipolar. That might be…” [audience laughs] “…where it has been… actually, if you see any, could you scrape it out?” “Could you…” [audience laughs] “…just like a mental health Pap smear?” “Can you just do…” [audience laughs] Don’t do that. Like, you gotta hook your finger, like when a baby’s choking, are you familiar? If you do that, it’ll push it in too far, it’s too late. But if you hook your finger, you swipe it, that’s how you get it out. [audience laughs] I like doing that joke because it goes too far but you do learn something that could save a life. [audience laughs] I just love the idea of years from now, someone being like, “If it weren’t for that dick joke, my niece would not be here.” [audience laughs] The craziest thing that happened is my mom died of cancer. See? You almost forgot. [audience laughs] And then my dad got remarried and then our stepmom got cancer. She’s fine, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you twice. [audience laughs] That’s God talking to my dad. And… As soon as our stepmom got it, me and my siblings were like, “Holy shit.” “Is Dad giving people cancer?” [audience laughs] We thought he was a carcinogen. We were like, “Don’t microwave anything for him.” [audience laughs] “I think that’s how he’s doing it.” If he had taken down a second one, we would’ve put a warning on his Christian Mingle account. Like bare minimum, just like, “Hey, chemicals in here have been known to cause cancer.” “Ride at your own risk.” [audience laughs] I feel like some people don’t believe me that she’s alive. She’s completely fine, you guys. She’s happy, healthy, great lady. We actually call my stepmom Mom because when my dad married her, nobody was using it. So we were like, “Yeah, be Mom, who cares.” [audience laughs] Oh, I’m sorry, if your principal quit and you got a new principal, they wouldn’t be like, “This is Lisa.” Like… [audience laughs] Let her be principal, there is an opening. [audience laughs] Also, we were so young when it happened and my dad got remarried so fast, I think he was kinda hoping he could just like Indiana Jones switch them out [audience laughs] before anybody noticed. You know when you’re a kid and your hamster dies and your parents don’t want to explain death to you so they just buy you a new one that looks the same and they’re like, “No, that’s Connie, she just bites now.” [audience laughs] That’s kinda what he did. But with moms. But I never used to talk about any of that, I never used to talk about my mom dying because I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable and also, like most of us with childhood trauma, should be pretty much everyone in here. If you’re sitting here tonight going, “I don’t think I have any, I have great parents, I had a good childhood and this ‘comedy show’? It’s not that fun for me.” [audience laughs] Good. [audience laughs] I hope this is the worst night of your whole life. [audience laughs] ‘Cause it sounds like it’s been smooth sailing [audience laughs] and you might need some perspective. Most of us did have some childhood trauma and when you get to be an adult, you’re like, “Woo, made it! Never have to think about that again. Look at all my keys. The world’s my oyster.” [audience laughs] And so you just start pushing all that dark stuff that happened to you as a kid down, down, down ’til you don’t even think about it anymore. And that works for a long time. [audience chuckles] Until one day, [audience laughs] you stub your toe really hard on a curb and you just start weeping uncontrollably in the street and you’re like, “Okay, this is about something else. [audience laughs] I was keeping all my trauma in that toe. [audience laughs] And then I jostled it and now it’s everywhere. [audience laughs] [whispering] Gone over here.” [audience laughs] And if you don’t deal with that stuff, it’s gonna keep affecting you in ways you are not even conscious of. I realized in therapy that because my mom died young, I have this irrational belief that I am also going to die young, so I’ve been living in a very intense unhealthy way my entire adult life where I’m like, I can’t take a break, I gotta be working all the time, I have to hit these goals and achievements, otherwise I’m nothing. I got engaged a few years ago ’cause I was like, “I gotta get married before I’m dead” which is a super hot way to propose to somebody. [audience laughs] I call it “The Walk to Remember,” it’s kinda my move and… [audience claps] It did not work out with my ex-fiancé. I hate that I have to say that word now. It sounds like a spell, doesn’t it? [shouting] Just like, “Ex-fiancé!” It’s terrible. [audience laughs] He and I are not friends, not ’cause he’s a bad person, he’s actually a very good person. I don’t know if you’ve dated someone right before they find out they’re bipolar but it is what is known as “The Lord’s work.” [audience laughs] I think I was a great partner if nothing went wrong. If nothing went wrong, I was like, awesome. But if one thing went wrong, total nightmare. Like, I was like those spikes you drive over when you’re returning a rental car. Like as long as you keep moving forward, everything’s great. But if you back up even a little, I will slash all your tires. [audience laughs] And then be like, “What? I put up a sign.” [audience laughs] And you’re like, “I know, I mean, I know I messed up a little but like this reaction seems cra… like other speed bumps don’t react like that.” And I’m like, “Then go be with her!” [audience laughs] [chuckles] We are not friends, my ex-fiancé and I, because I think it’s weird when exes try to be friends with each other and they’re like, “We’ll hang out, we’ll get fro yo.” You’re like, “Fro yo? I know what you taste like. I’m not gonna sample yogurt with you, [audience laughs] you psycho. Do they have Kevin after a run, do they have that flavor at Yogurtland?” They do, it’s salted caramel, but still. [audience cheers, claps] I went back home after I called off my engagement for whatever holiday doesn’t offend you and… [audience laughs] …a lot of my friends are settling down. Some of them are just settling, period, end of sentence. [audience laughs] You guys know those couples? Everyone knows one couple like that where like one person in the couple is way hotter and cooler than the other person in the couple. I like to call those couples chocolate-covered raisins. [audience laughs] Because you’re like sure, you could put those two together, if you want. [audience laughs] But every time you see them, you’re like, “Chocolate, what are you doing? [audience laughs] You could’ve been with anybody. You could’ve been with caramel, you could’ve been with marshmallow, you could’ve been with peanut butter, who I heard cures depression, [audience laughs] and you want to be with raisin forever? Like, no offense, raisin, you’re great, we love you, nature’s candy, that’s you. But you belong with like oatmeal, like, you know that, right? This doesn’t feel good, right? Aren’t you scared every day that someone’s gonna come along and suck chocolate right off of you? [audience laughs] I love this joke ’cause I like to see couples in the audience looking at each other like, “Am I chocolate or raisin? [audience laughs] We’re both chocolate, right, babe? We’re chocolate-covered chocolate? We’re like those little Lindor guys in the foil, you know? I’m the creamy part and you’re the shell [sobbing] ’cause you’re so strong and if you leave me, I’ll be a mess.” [audience laughs] Some of you are like, “I am oatmeal and I am good with it.” [audience laughs] I made the mistake of talking to my happiest married friend after I called off my engagement, don’t do that. Your happiest married friend doesn’t remember what it’s like to be heartbroken. She’s like, “Well, what are you gonna do now? You’re gonna get back out there? Are you seeing anybody?” And I was like, “Nope, just gonna focus on my career for a little bit.” And she’s like, “Well, why can’t you focus on a career and a relationship at the same time?” And I was like, “How do I explain this [audience chuckles] in a way you might understand? [muttering] Why can’t I focus on a career and a relationship? Have you ever been on the freeway in traffic and your lane stops but the one next to you keeps moving, so you get in the one that’s moving, and as soon as you get in the one that’s moving, that one stops and the one next to you starts moving again. So you get back in that first one ’cause that one’s moving now and as soon as you get back in that first one, that one stops again and the one next to you starts moving. And after you go back and forth a few more times, at a certain point, you’re like, “Okay. Is it fucking me?” [audience laughs] And she’s like, “Yeah, I don’t know if I get it because you know, John and I, we usually just boop, get in the carpool lane. [audience laughs] And I was like, “Where’s your baby? Imma drop it!” [audience laughs] I actually did get into a new relationship pretty quickly after I called off my engagement. I wasn’t trying to, I really wasn’t. A lot of my friends were like, “You should stay single for a while. You should maybe get a cat.” And I was like, hard pass. I have never left an interaction with a cat feeling better about who I was. [audience laughs] Every cat reacts to people the way I react to seeing girls I went to middle school with in a Target. Just like… [audience laughs] [shouts] Oh, no! Like that’s every cat. [audience laughs] I don’t want to come home to that energy. [audience laughs] But I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was trying to have like a fun, sexy fling which doesn’t usually go great for me because I have this round wholesome face that people think they should build a life with. [audience laughs] Every time I’m like, “We could bone or whatever.” Guys are like, “No, I’m alright but you could meet my mom, do you want to do that? You seem like you’d be better at meeting my mom than having sex.” And they are not wrong, alright? [audience laughs] I will meet your mom all night long. Moms like me so much for no reason. I was dating a guy years ago, we were totally on the rocks having problems, and I went to lunch with his mom hoping to get some advice, and halfway through lunch, she puts her hand on my hand and goes, “You know, Taylor, my son’s a lot like his father. [audience chuckles] And if I could go back in time, [audience laughs] I don’t know that I’d marry his father again.” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Are you saving my life in this Panera Bread right now?” [audience laughs] It was like a movie when an older character sacrifices themselves for the good of the journey, like she Gandalfed me. She was like, “Fly, you fool!” [audience laughs] She was a bad mom and a bad wife but such a good friend, oh my God! Hoes before sons, am I right? [audience laughs] I think about her every day. And my boyfriend wasn’t looking for a relationship either when we met, straight dudes usually aren’t, you know. Women are surprised when they find a guy who can make them cum and straight dudes are surprised when they find a girl who can make them feel genuine feelings in their heart. Like women are like, “He got me off three times.” And guys are like, [in low voice] “I mean, I just fucking like her, dude. [audience laughs] [in low voice] Like we talked all day, I didn’t want to hit her, it was nuts! [audience laughs] She’s just like my friend. I don’t know, I want to like lick her heart, I think.” [audience laughs] Straight dudes are so proud of themselves for falling in love. It’s really cute. They’re like, [in low voice] “I love you. Hell yeah, buddy, I knew you could get there.” [audience laughs] Women fall in love, we’re like, “I love you. [whispering] Fucking again? You dumb bitch. [audience laughs] You were supposed to love you first, you keep skipping that part! [audience laughs] It is eat, pray, then love! [audience laughs] Oh my God. It’s okay, we’ll try again in a year and a half.” [audience laughs] My boyfriend is seven years older than me ’cause I needed to get back on my dad for some stuff. [audience laughs] Older guys are just better. They’re just better, you never have to ask them to buy Pepto Bismol, they just have it in the house. [audience laughs] They pull it out after dinner like a nightcap, like, “You want some pink juice, baby girl?” You’re like, “Yes, I would, cheers.” [audience laughs] Older guys don’t call you things like “cute” or “hot.” They call you things like “stunning, gorgeous,” shit with syllables, things that would take a 20-something guy a little while to settle down. [audience laughs] And older guys aren’t like, cute or hot either. You know, they’re handsome, distinguished, like old pictures of your grandpa you shouldn’t look at too long. [audience laughs] You ever find one of those in an old dusty box? You’re like, “Who is that? Oh, that’s wrong. Okay.” [audience laughs] They’re not your family in those pictures yet. They’re just the past, it is a gray area. [audience laughs] Oh, I’ll get weirder. You ever see a picture of your parents when they were young and hot? And you get like weirdly mad ’cause you know they would’ve never dated you? [audience laughs] I saw a picture of my dad in college football once. I didn’t talk to him for three weeks. I’m like, “You would’ve left me at a drive-in, you Danny Zuko piece of shit!” [audience laughs] He’s like, “What?” I’m like, “I can’t hug you for a year and I don’t want to talk about it.” [audience laughs] It’s always awkward getting into a new relationship, though, especially right after you called off an engagement because you don’t feel like you can say any cheesy romantic crap ever again. Even if you feel it, you just feel like you’re a jinx. So when the next person is like, “I wanna be with you forever.” You’re like, “Oh, wouldn’t that be something? [audience laughs] I can’t… I can’t use the F-word anymore but I just need to build my credit back up but… [audience laughs] …samesies, bro, for sure.” New relationships are awkward ’cause you gotta tell a whole new person what you like in bed and the only reason you know what you like in bed is ’cause someone else did it to you first. [audience laughs] But you can’t say it like that, right? You gotta do that cute little tap dance of like, “Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun that’s never even occurred to me before?” “You know what your body is inspiring me to do right now?” But in your head, you’re just like, “Do it like Craig. Could you just…” [audience laughs] “Do it how Craig did it every time?” “Craig didn’t do shit right, he did that right, let me tell you.” “Can we just call him?” “Can we just call him and ask?” [audience laughs] “It’s not a big deal, we’re all adults here.” “Remember we reset the Wi-Fi router last month?” “It’s just like that, babe. He’s just a voice on the phone with the password.” [audience laughs] “That’s all he is to me now.” “No, I did block his number when you asked me to, of course I did.” “But when you block a number, your phone kinda just saves it in a different folder.” [audience laughs] Oh, some of us are gonna fight in the car, not everybody knew that. [audience laughs] You have to be able to talk about what you like in bed and you have to know what you can and can’t say, alright? Like I’ve been telling guys for years I like it a little rougher in bed. I don’t say it like that, I say like, “Oh, I’m damaged,” you know. [audience laughs] If you’re a straight guy, don’t say that. If a straight dude’s like, [in low voice] “I’m damaged,” fucking run! That guy… that guy wants your toes in a baggy. So… [audience laughs] Sometimes you think you like something and you don’t. I thought I like dirty talk, turns out, I just like dirty phrases we agreed upon earlier. [audience laughs] You ever tell someone you like dirty talk and then they hit you with something in bed and you’re like, “Nah, that was not approved by corporate, no.” [audience laughs] I was having sex with a guy once, I was on top and he just went, [shouting] “Look at you!” [audience laughs] [audience laughs, cheers] Like I was taking my first steps. [audience laughs] I’m like, “You better get the camcorder, daddy, ’cause I am never getting up here again.” [audience laughs] My parents don’t watch me do stand-up anymore, don’t worry. [audience laughs] Don’t worry, they’re not interested. No Christian parents want to watch their daughter talk about depression and dick for an hour. It’s not fun for them. [audience laughs] My parents don’t have a dark sense of humor and I do, and I’m glad I do because if you can laugh at the darkest stuff that’s ever happened to you while it’s still actively happening to you, sometimes that’s what gets you through it. For example, here’s a joke they will not like. [audience laughs] Did you guys know that sometimes when you call a suicide hotline and the call drops, they do not call you back? [audience laughs] Yeah, you think that’d be the time for star 69 but sometimes they just ring a bell in the cubicle, like, “Lost another one, that’s lunch!” [audience laughs] Some of you are tensing up like, “Did that really happen?” Yeah, a few years ago and it was fucking hilarious. I was on the floor of a DoubleTree Hotel, like, “Did this bitch just ghost me while I’m trying to ghost myself?” “That is…” [audience laughs] “I mean, I’ve been left on read, I’ve never been left for dead.” “That’s a new one.” [audience laughs] “That is brutal.” I wasn’t even mad. For all I know, that’s how they train those volunteers. Like, “Hey, some nights, we get too many calls. [audience laughs] Fridays are big for us, in those situations, you’re just gonna have to use your best judgment, alright? Like I usually wait for like a privileged white girl name, like a Chelsea, a Kelsey, a Taylor. Those are the salmon I throw back and hope they swim upstream on their own.” [audience laughs] Even if I was mad, what am I gonna do, hop on Yelp? Like, “One star, totally killed myself. [audience laughs] You’re gonna wish I killed myself after this review.” [audience laughs] I did that joke in Texas a few weeks ago and there was a girl, white, my age in the crowd who goes, [shouting] “And the wait times are ridiculous!” [audience laughs] And she’s right, okay? I think, personally, I think if you are a frequent caller, there should be some sort of rewards program. You know, like when you show loyalty to an airline. Like, you should be able to do that with suicide hotlines where you call in and they’re like, [in robotic voice] “Please enter your rewards number.” Boop, boop, boop. “Welcome back… [sobbing] Taylor. [audience laughs] Thank you for your diamond medallion status. You are now third in line. Would you like to use an upgrade and kick someone else out? [audience laughs] My parents are still very, very religious. My dad was so religious growing up, he used to insist on praying out loud in restaurants before we ate dinner, which is fine if you’re into that but keep it short. [audience laughs] He wouldn’t do that. He would do long, drawn-out prayers full of personal details that none of us signed off on at the table which made puberty pretty rough with your dad in public just like, “Thank you Lord for this food. Thank you for bringing us here together. [shouting] Thank you that Taylor’s a woman now and is getting the help she needs in math.” I’m like, “Can you not tell this Chipotle that I’m bleeding and can’t subtract? [audience laughs] I think God knows.” It’s why I don’t feel bad telling jokes about my parents on stage now ’cause anytime they’re like, “Do you have to air our dirty laundry in front of strangers?” I’m like, “Hometown Buffet, 1998. [audience laughs] You told everyone within a five-booth radius that I shat my pants the night before. [audience laughs] I can say whatever I want. [audience laughs] I’m not religious anymore. I have had some friends find religion as adults recently which is very upsetting. [inhales deeply] [audience laughs] If you grew up religious and you’re not anymore and your adult friends find religion, it feels like God is your shitty ex-boyfriend who’s now getting it together for your friend and you just have to watch it happen on Facebook. They’re like, “Have you met God? He’s amazing.” I’m like, “Yeah, I grew up with God, he’s a douchebag, alright? Did he tell you you were broken and you need him? That’s his move. That’s what he does. [audience laughs] He says that to everybody. Don’t drink what he gives you. You drink that, the next thing you know, you’re eating his body, the holy spirit’s inside you, it’s a whole system they have over at that frat house they call church. [audience laughs] Who else uses Roman numerals?” [audience laughs] That joke makes it sound like I resent my religious upbringing and I do, so I nailed it. But… [audience cheers, claps] No, honestly, if I had to come up with some stuff that was like positive about my growing up religious, I’m sure I could with enough time and money but… [audience laughs] I do have some issues with it. It gave me some serious trust issues and it just made me weird, growing up in church, in ways that I am still discovering. For example, I just found out that I masturbate wrong. [audience laughs] I will back up. Okay, so… [audience laughs] When I was growing up in church, kids had youth group and at youth group, they were like, “Don’t have sex.” And we were like, “For sure, for sure.” And then, they were like, “Don’t even masturbate.” And all the girls were like, “Okay, we didn’t even know that we could.” [audience laughs] And all the boys were like, “Why?” And… [audience laughs] …the way they explained it to us was, our youth pastor told us, he goes, “It’s not the physical act of masturbating that’s the sin, you guys, alright? It’s not even the orgasm. In fact, if you have a wet dream, thank God for the freebie and have an awesome day. [audience laughs] But what are you thinking about while you’re doing that to yourself, guys? [scattered laughs] That’s what the sin is. It’s the lust in your heart. It’s the impure thoughts in your head. That is what the sin is.” So when I got to be an adult and I wanted to masturbate, I was like, “Well, if I just don’t think about anything, [audience laughs] I could probably still go to heaven, right? Just like, clear your mind, get in there, get it done, see you soon, Jesus, right? [audience laughs] Touch nothing but the lamb.” [audience laughs] [audience claps, cheers] So I’ve been doing this my entire adult life. All my friends are like, “You gotta meditate.” I’m like, “I think I do.” [audience laughs] And I do mean my entire adult life, by the way. I did not masturbate until I was a grown woman. I was that afraid of going to hell, alright? Yeah. I had my first orgasm with my college boyfriend. Do you know how embarrassing that is to get your first orgasm from another person? That’s like having a realtor show you your own house. [audience laughs] They’re like, “And over here, we have a second bathroom.” You’re like, “A second bathroom?” [audience laughs] “You’ve been here for 19 years, you never went poking around on your own?” You’re like, “I did once but I thought Jesus would get mad, [audience laughs] so yeah, I don’t actually own this place, I’m just renting it from the guy upstairs, and… if I flood the basement, I do not get my security deposit back, so… [audience laughs] Is there anything else I should see while you’re here?” She’s like, “Yeah, let me show you the doorbell.” I’m like, “Oh, is the doorbell even important?” She’s like, “The doorbell is the only thing that matters. [audience laughs, claps] Nobody comes inside without touching the doorbell.” [audience laughs] “Oh, but I did touch it.” “You didn’t use enough pressure, it didn’t light up.” [audience laughs] So I’ve been masturbating like this my entire adult life and I recently mentioned it to a friend of mine and you ever say something out loud and realize you never should have ever? [audience laughs] I said it so casually over brunch, didn’t even think about it. I was like, “Oh yeah, I mean, I don’t think about anything while I do that.” And she was like, “What?” She put her fork down. “What? [audience laughs] You don’t think about anything?” And I was like, “Oh, no, I mean, I think some stuff, obviously. And she was like, “What do you think about?” And I was like, “Oh, you know, just like, ‘almost there, making good time.’ [audience laughs] You know, just like road trip thoughts, like… ‘keep your hands steady, don’t fall asleep. Can’t wait to get there so I can eat. [audience laughs] Better hurry up, Taco Bell’s gonna close, ‘ you know.” [audience laughs] And she was like, “That is so weird, Taylor, why don’t you just watch porn like a normal person?” And I was like, “Ugh, I don’t like porn.” Every time I try to watch porn, I’m just like, “You gotta shave there, too? [audience laughs] I’m tired and I’m cold.” And I’m not against porn, okay? I’m not one of these people that’s like, “If you watch porn, it will ruin your relationship.” I don’t feel that way, alright? I dated a guy once who was really into massage porn where the masseuse would like fuck their client at the end which means sometimes when we had sex, I get a massage! [audience laughs, cheers] That’s an example of porn working for you! [audience laughs] But my friend was like horrified. She was like, “Taylor, this like monk masturbation thing you do, [audience laughs] it is so much creepier and weirder than any porn I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen most of it.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “There are so many different options porn-wise on the internet now, you… just go home and Google ‘porn for women’ okay? Just do it, I promise, ‘porn for women.'” And so I went home and I googled porn for women so I wouldn’t be weird at brunch. [audience laughs] And a lot of surprising things came up when I googled it. First thing that came up when I googled porn for women was a link to Disney Plus where all the Avengers movies are. Now… [audience laughs] For me, personally, they jump around too much. There’s too many storylines. You’re almost there with Loki and now we’re on Captain America? It’s like, I have to start over. That’s a different speed, a different pressure and now there’s a raccoon? No. [audience laughs] The second thing that came up when I googled porn for women was a website where real-life couples are uploading amateur sex tapes. Yeah, real-life couples are like, “Hey, we’re so happy and in love, we thought that we would film ourselves making love and then put it online for you, a lonely person. [audience laughs] Is it working? Are you wet?” And you’re like, “Not in the right place, no. [audience laughs] But congratulations, what you have seems really special.” [audience laughs] The last thing that came up when I googled porn for women I did not know existed, it’s something called audio porn. It’s exactly what it sounds like. There’s no visual aspect, it’s all audio. It’s not really a porn star, it’s more like a porn voice actor talking you through a sexy situation. It’s like a podcast except don’t listen while you’re driving. [audience laughs] And because it’s “for women,” that just means there’s a story, right? Anyone can watch, they don’t check. [audience laughs] They don’t just hop on the mic like, [shouting] “Now it’s out, bitch!” Like they ease you into it. And so the one I found is 20 minutes long. I will send it to you if you DM me. [audience laughs] And the first 12 minutes, the story, is just a man calming you down [audience laughs] after you’ve been in a car wreck. [audience laughs] That is the foreplay. [audience laughs] And you guys, I came so hard. I… [audience laughs, claps] I mean, I didn’t even make it to the sex part. It was the comfort alone. He’s like, “It’s okay, take some deep breaths, don’t worry.” “The insurance companies will figure it out.” I’m like, “Oh my God, that’s right!” [shouting] “That’s why we have insurance!” By the time he was like, “What else can I do? Should I go down on you?” I was like, “Nah, man, I got Allstate, I’m in good hands.” [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Boston, you were absolutely amazing. [audience cheers] Thank you so much. I can’t tell you, I really appreciate you. Thank you. [upbeat music] [audience cheers] You guys were amazing. Thank you so much, seriously. [audience claps, cheers] [upbeat music continues]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerrod-carmichael-rothaniel-transcript/

Man… We were waiting for you. I’m happy you’re here. I’m happy all of you are here. I have so much to tell you. You’re comfortable? You can talk back to me. I want you guys to feel that. This only works if we feel like family. I know the camera’s here and it’s a whole thing. It’s a big night, it’s a lot of pressure. That kinda thing, you know? I want you guys to feel as comfortable as I hope to be. We got a lot of shit to talk about. I’m happy you’re here. I need you. I wanna talk about secrets! Secrets! I should whisper it, right? I carried a lot of secrets my whole life. I feel like I was birthed into them. One of my biggest, one of my last held secrets is my name. My name is not Jerrod. Welcome to the show, everybody. I thought we were being honest tonight. Jerrod’s my middle name. I was given the name Jerrod by my brother, Joe. He’s, like, seven years older than me. They just trusted a kid to name a kid, but whatever. I’m thankful for that. Without him I’d have to go by my real name, my first name, which we don’t talk about. It is not good. I don’t like it. I’ve always hated that name, no one calls me that except for my mom. My dad named me… He combined his dad’s first name and my mom’s dad’s first name and mushed them together. Not to make something elegant, like William Edward or something like that. It’s more like Toyotathon. I hate that name. I’ve hidden that name my whole life. I used to get it removed from the yearbook. Every year in high school I would bribe somebody. It’d cost me 20 dollars to get my first name taken out of it. I never let people see my driver’s license. I had it taken off my bank cards. I’ve always been ashamed of it. I’ve always hidden it. And it’s funny because it’s a name given to me to honor two people. It’s supposed to be this gift to both my granddads. And it almost seemed kind of fucked up that I hide that, that I like tuck it away, but that’s because you don’t know my grandfathers. If you knew them, you’d know keeping a secret is the only way to honor them. That’s kind of who they were. They were granddads. I’m named after two men who most of their lives, most of their sex lives at least were secrets. My mom’s dad had four kids with my mom’s mom, his wife, and four kids outside of that marriage, just kind of scattered about. My dad’s dad had five kids with his wife and about 23 outside of the marriage. Yeah. I come from a long line of cool n*ggers. 23. Dillon, South Carolina. Jim Gowens is his name. We don’t have the same last name because my dad was an outside kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s no easy way to say your grandma was a side piece. I wanna say it was something else. They’d prefer I used terms like “affair” and whatever, but nah, that’s not what it was. She was fuckin’ a married n*gger and that’s just… So my grandma had three kids by a married man, my uncle Pete, my dad, my aunt Nell, and his wife found out and confronted my grandma about it. I like to think it was on some “Color Purple” shit, like she crossed the field or whatever. But she confronted my grandma and demanded that she stop sleeping with her man, and my grandma fucked him again and had my Aunt Cat. I think she’s where I get my ambition from. My aunt Cat is proud of that, by the way. She’ll tell everybody her origin story. She’s like: “Don’t nobody tell me who to sleep with.” “And then she fucked him again and had me out of spite.” “That’s me, I’m the spite baby.” She loves that shit. But we don’t really talk about it. We don’t really talk about it. My dad doesn’t really know his dad, but he still felt enough pride to name me after him. My mom’s dad was also like a cheater, but she lived in the house that he was cheating from. And so when you’re that family, you learn not to say shit. My mom, I guess, learned from her mom. I’m trying to paint a picture of a world before Destiny’s Child, where women got cheated on and it didn’t play out like a Terry McMillan novel. It was much more quiet than that. They just kind of existed with the secret. They knew, but they didn’t know. It’s weird, it’s like generations of that, generations of just seeing things, not seeing things. I saw my parents’ sex tape. This is kind of a side tangent. I was about twelve years old. I came home from school early. I would watch my dad… If you got a dad or an older brother, they might’ve had a porn stash. This was the ’90s. My dad kept his tapes in a Nike box in the bedroom closet on the top shelf, beside a gun and a jar of nickels. And I remember putting this tape in, and it was about 15 seconds before I started recognizing the bedroom. I know those sheets, they got lemons on them. But that’s the thing, I never told my family. I never told my parents that I’d seen that. It’s odd because it’s one of those things… You can’t talk about sex with your parents, not that anybody really wants to, but you just can’t. And you’re only here because your parents fucked, isn’t that kinda funny? Your dad came in your mom and you’re here. Have you ever been watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene came on and you just gotta be, like, “nope, no it’s not”. Things that exist, but don’t exist. It’s things that are right there, hiding in plain sight. My father had me and my brother with my mom, and then he had four kids with a bitch named Raneta. It’s not that I hate her name. It’s just that it sounds like a villain in a Tyler Perry movie. And other kids, he had other kids. My dad was, he was really out there, man. He was really, really out there. And I knew about it since I was a kid. It was a small town, and it’s a secret that he thought he was keeping from the family. He thought he was doing a good job keeping the secret. But I found out. I never told him that I knew. My brother found out. He didn’t tell him. It’s funny to live in a house with someone knowing who they are, knowing that they’re cheating on your mom and not saying anything to him. He used to go out on Friday nights, he would say he was going to work. My dad is a truck driver, which by the way, if you’re cheating on your wife and you’re looking for a profession that allows just long blackout dates, get your CDLs and hit the road. I really recommend it. He would say he was going to a second job on Friday nights, but he would get dressed up, and I mean dressed up by North Carolina dad standards. He tucked his t-shirt into his jeans. He would say he was going to work with cologne on. Do you understand what I’m saying? It’s just, like, a liar. And it would just leave me as a kid knowing that… It’s weird to know it, to know, to really, really know, and not say anything. I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what I could’ve done. I don’t know if I would’ve said anything if I had the courage, because I only saw this secret as something that could’ve torn our family apart. If my mom found out, I thought it would be over. He was fucking my homeboy TJ’s aunt. This was this story TJ told me about, and that’s hard because TJ, he didn’t want to snitch. In the hood… I didn’t wanna snitch! He told me, he was like: “Man, I came home from school the other day” “and I went to my aunt’s house” “and your pop was just there on the couch.” What? He’s like: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was just on the couch.” He saw my dad sitting on the couch. He walks in, he’s excited to see my dad. He knows my dad very well, they used to play Madden together. He knows him. He’s like: “Mr. Carmichael, what are you doing here?” And my dad, being caught, under pressure, you know what he did? He just squinted his eyes and pretended he was somebody else. I don’t know how that was supposed to work. He literally was just like: “Mr. Carmichael? I don’t know who you’re talking about.” He just grabbed his shit and got the fuck outta there. My father. And TJ was there with his aunt and he said: “Do you know who that was?” “That’s my best friend’s dad. That’s Joe Carmichael.” And she said: “Joe Carmichael?” “He told me his name was Jerry Rice.” That’s right, that’s right. My father was telling bitches his name was Hall of Fame wide receiver Jerry Rice. Do you know how absurd that is? And I got so many questions, things he won’t talk about. Did you say it? Did you act surprised? “Did you go: What? There’s another Jerry Rice?” Was it all part of the game? Did he go: “Yeah, my name is Jerry Rice. I know. I get it all the time.” How did he react? He was a wild man, he was really out there, really, really out there, just holding it in, just holding it all in. He had a double or triple bypass surgery, I guess that’s where it went. It’s fine. I’m paying for his health insurance. Don’t groan for the man. I’m keeping him alive right now. I made him tell my mom. It became too much. It’s a secret that I think I was happy keeping as a child because I thought it made sense for the family, but then it was embarrassing, first of all. Because people knew. It seems like everyone knew, but my mom, and that’s really tough because my mom is a very sweet, loving, trusting, Christian, God-fearing woman, who was just standing by her man, trusting her husband. And my dad was just, you know, he was really out there. I got really drunk in London and I was like: “It’s time.” “I’m gonna confront him about it.” And it’s hard. This was hard because this is a tough man. Again, he kept a sawed-off shotgun in the closet by the porn, and it’s not easy. It’s not easy. I was really afraid, but I remember starting the call saying: “Listen, this will all go well as long as you don’t lie to me.” And I was just almost in tears and just so emotional. “I know about everything, man. I know about Renita,” “and the kids, and the blah blah blah,.” You know what he said? He actually said: “I always knew you’d be the one.” That’s what he said. He knew. So I made him tell my mom. He waited until I was back home in North Carolina to tell her, fucking pussy. I know, that’s a pussy thing to do, right? He waited. He needed the support. He waited until I was home. And this was his big plan to tell my mom. He was like: “Okay, so you and your brother, you take her out to dinner.” “I’m gonna stay home. And then you bring her back from dinner.” “You drop her off, she’ll come in the house, and then I’m gonna tell her.” And I was like: “Okay, you want me to hide a gun behind the toilet, too?” “What kinda Godfather plan is this?” But I went along with it. It took a lot for him. That dinner was the worst dinner I’ve ever had in my entire life. I took my mom to a hibachi restaurant. Earlier that day, I had taken my nieces to see the “Trolls” movie. I love going to the movies with my nieces. It’s the best. They’re not my kids so I can just get high and do fun shit with them, it’s the best. And we’d seen the “Trolls” movie, and I don’t know if you’ve seen it, spoiler alert. The premise is that these are these colorful trolls that are singing and all types of shit, and if something devastating happens to them, they lose all of their color. I remember thinking that the whole dinner, that whole night is just looking at my mom, just looking in her eyes going: “She’s going to lose her color.” It was really, really scary. Mind you, all of this happened at a hibachi grill, so I’m looking in her eyes, but there’s a flame and we gotta clap every couple minutes. He’s juggling salt and pepper shakers. “Yay, okay. My mom is about to be fucking destroyed,” “but this is a great trick.” I get mad when I don’t get a Japanese chef. Sometimes they’re Mexican and they’re just passing them off as… Anyway. How many Japanese chefs are there in North Carolina? I’m piecing this together now. I brought her home. I dropped her off. I went to my brother’s house, and we waited by the phone very, very anxiously, me, my brother, and sister-in-law just waited, very nervous. And then my mom called. I could hear in her voice that she’d been crying. And I’ll never forget, her first words were: “I’m okay.” And he told her, begged for her forgiveness. She forgave him, she stayed. It’s kinda anti-climactic, I know. She actually made him breakfast the next morning. I’ll never forget that fact. And mostly because it’s an embarrassing fact to admit. It’s not how I thought the story would play out. It’s somehow worse. But it was out in the open. And once that was done, I was left alone feeling like a liar because I had a secret, one that I kept from my mother, and my father, and my family, my friends, and you, all of you, professionally, personally. And the secret is that I’m gay. Thank you for that. We love you. That’s very sweet. I really appreciate that. It means a lot. And I’m accepting the love, I really appreciate the love. My, kind of, ego wants to rebel against it, you clap and you’re very sweet and you’re very kind, and I appreciate it. Part of me wants to be like: “I’m fucking gay.” “I’m not fucking retarded.” Because I can feel it, bro. I can feel it. There’s a lot that happens coming out. I’m telling you guys and I see the Yankee fitteds. Some of y’all are just like: “Shit, we at a gay show, bro?” This is for HBO. You know how many n*ggers just turned the TV off saying to their girl right now “we gotta watch something else”? Like, y’all clapped. A lot of you clapped and you felt it. Some of you didn’t really wanna clap. You were just like: “We gotta do that shit. We’re in New York and there’s cameras.” That’s okay, I get it. I came out to my friends. We love you. I wanna accept that, you know? It feels like I didn’t earn it. It’s like, what did I do, suck a Dominican dude’s dick? And then y’all clapped for that, you know? Because I rebelled against that. I really did, bro, I rebelled against it my whole life. I never thought I’d come out. I didn’t think I’d ever, ever, ever come out. Probably at many points in my life I thought I’d rather die than confront the truth of that. I didn’t actually say it to people, because I know it changes people’s, some people, it changes their perception of me. I can’t control that. I’m from an environment where I was, kind of, raised to be a man, whatever that means. Didn’t expect gay babies, you know what I’m saying? You don’t see old ladies looking at a toddler being, like: “Look at his cheeks. I bet he’s gonna be a top.” “Get that baby some prep now.” I feel you, bro. I’m with you. I’m from the hood. Sometimes I’ll be in the shower like: “N*gger, I’m really gay. Fuck, dude!” You know? Shit is shocking to me, too. I didn’t know. It’s fucked up all my relationships. I had a boyfriend, me and that n*gga talked to each other like men. We’d say shit like: “I wanna suck your dick, bro.” None of that gay shit over here. Sometimes we’re making out and just whispering “no homo” to each other. Just tonguing that n*gger down being, like, “pause”. I feel you. I got mostly straight friends. Them n*ggers didn’t wanna hear that shit. My homeboy, Jamar, said… This is one of my best friends. I let him sleep on my couch when he needed it. I was always there for him. He told me he felt like he was tricked into having a gay best friend. He said: “I would’ve never signed up for this.” And I said: “N*gger, you owe me 85000 dollars.” Gotta accept the love, man. I need the love. I need it. I was really out here lying, though. That’s the thing, I came out too late, a little too late. That “it gets better shit is for the kids”. That’s not for an adult man figuring himself out. They don’t want that. Nobody wants that shit. All my friends felt like I was just duplicitous, like I was just lying to them. They didn’t know who I was. They all reacted like Sally Field in Mrs. Doubtfire. They were like: “The whole time?” They were very mad about that shit. It cleared up my relationship with all my black homegirls. My friend Ashley told me before I came out she could sense it. She was like: “Please just tell me you’re gay so this all makes sense.” I guess there are only so many times you can Facetime a woman to see if your outfit looks okay before they start having some questions. They were the toughest. Black women were the toughest people to come out to, but also the most supportive. I’m very, very thankful for all of the black ladies in my life who have supported me through that, through all of it, all of it. They’re not homophobic at all. They’re racist as a motherfucker. They don’t like that I had a white boyfriend. See? You see what I’m saying? You see that change? You can be gay, but n*gger, what? You date white boys, really? Is that a shock? Surprise, surprise. No more secrets. I’m gonna tell you all. You heard her say “wow”? That’s the sound of a Black woman that feels doubly betrayed. My sister is on that shit, too. Listen, I’m used to it. I grew up just in the hood on some real strong masculine shit. It plays out. Look, I’ll say this, I actually think that it is important to say this, I believe in the black family. I think that black men should marry black women, and have black babies and raise them to be smart, just good citizens, educated. I think that’s very, very important. A hundred percent. I think gay black men should be able to fuck whoever the fuck we want. What is the consequence? There are no black babies coming from the kind of sex I have, okay? It’s all getting flushed. It doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. The black girls, they try. I would send them pictures of my boyfriend and they would ignore that he’s white. They would just be like… I remember I sent a picture to my homegirl Tiffany and she was like: “He got some pretty glasses.” I was like: “Nah, bitch, it’s not the glasses.” “Look at the skin of my vanilla king.” I didn’t call him that. I’m hiding nothing from you guys. But your name. Now you guys are too much like my family. Let’s go back to the audience-performer relationship we had before. It’s a lot. I’m really happy we had this moment of… My brother texted me earlier today and said: “I’m missing my first special taping,” “but I know it’s necessary. I love you.” That’s very sweet. I love him. He’s there for me as much as he can be. He tries. He tries and I love him. I love him a lot. I love Joe so much. He’s all I got in a lot of this. I wish he’d try harder. I’m probably a little mad at him, a little bit mad. He’s my big brother, he’s supposed to protect me. He loves me despite, that’s the thing. It’s a little condescending, you know? It’s love with an asterisk. “I don’t really fuck with the gay shit, but I still love you.” That’s that masculine shit. I could feel the distance between us. And I hate that because no one would want that. It makes me feel unwanted. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. It’s like he’s looking down on me and accepting me despite. It’s especially hurtful just because I make so much more money than this n*gger. It’s not even close. I don’t wanna be gross and talk about money, but the difference is millions and millions of dollars. I love my brother a lot. He’s a nice guy. Nice as… I’m saying that. He has five kids who I love a lot, a lot. My nieces mean a lot to me. My oldest niece, Joliette, she’s fourteen now and I like talking to her. I think she’s so smart and she’s really beautiful. Her face reminds me of my mom’s. I have a five-year-old niece and then four-year-old twin nieces and I love them. I like spending time with them because I’m not hiding anything when I’m with them, I’m just with them. We’re just there playing. We’re just eating ice cream or they’re trying to braid my hair. They are easy to talk about it with, you know? Joliette, there’s no pre-tense. It’s harder with the older ones. I came out to my dad again. I say again, cause he forgets. It’s cognitive dissonance. I have to remind him. I have to re-up every so often. There’s a part of him that likes that I came out. I don’t think he necessarily wants a gay son, but he likes that me coming out takes some of the heat off him. Like when he first found out he was like “no, it’s cool”, “I fucked up, you fucked up”. “You gay, I did what I did… Que sera…” My father’s dream is that I’m bi. That’s all he wants. That’s all he wants, the hope, somewhere on the horizon, that I’m still getting pussy. That’s all he wants. He’s probably actually disappointed in both of me and my brother. He’s probably looking at us like: “Wait, so you gay and you only fuck your wife?” “What kinda nerds am I raising here?” I told my dad, I said: “I know two things for a fact.” “I will never be an astronaut and I’m a gay man.” And you know what my father said? He said: “Don’t give up on the moon, son.” I hid it from my mom for the most part. I was afraid that her reaction would be to just go inside with it. I love her a lot. I love her dearly. And I’m trying to describe her without sounding cliché and describe the love that I have for her. I really feel like I was one of her closest friends. I feel like I have always looked out for her. I remember on the call, the last time I talked about being gay with my Mom, she said: “I can’t go against Jesus.” And it just bothers me. I get it, cause she’s… She’s doing the best she can. I think. She’s trying to accept. I don’t know what she’s trying to do. I think she’s trying to accept it. Part of me knows she’s at home trying to pray the gay away. I get a little mad sometimes. Any time I don’t match with a dude on RIA I’m like: “I bet that bitch over there praying to God.” I feel it too. It fucks with me because this is a religion that I still believe in. I’m still a Christian and it’s taken a lot, it’s taken a whole lot because I’ve had to reconfigure God and what God is and what he means in order to accept myself. I had to kind of rebuild. And with my mom… I’m sorry. A lot of it is not really… It’s kinda happening in real time, so it’s not totally worked out. Forgive me. I think she’s… She thinks not reacting is the best reaction. I think she’s been rewarded for staying quiet, you know? It’s like with her dad, so she gives me nothing. Even hate starts to feel like love because that’s acknowledgement. It’s not just nice. It’s not pleasant, it’s real and that feels… I think that would feel better. I wish she would yell at me. I wish she would tell me to not come home. I wish she’d call me a f*ggot like my Uncle June Bug did. Yeah. It hurt my feelings, but I was like: “N*gga, your name June Bug.” I’d rather get called a f*ggot than June Bug. Anything, anything, anything. She’s nice. She’s sweet. She ignores it. The worst of her is cold, like really, really cold. I mean she’s a nice lady, but like, there’s a part of her that’s really… She can shut people out. She can ignore, she can block and like, go inside. But you gave yourself so many years. Why don’t you give her that time? I’d love to give her all the time in the world, you know? I don’t know how much time it would take. I don’t know how much time we have left. Just in general, one of my biggest fears is my parents funeral, just the thought of one them dying without saying everything, without contending, without expressing it all. And my mom’s in her early sixties and she has time and she’s… I also just don’t know if that’s when people change. They do. Maybe. I don’t know. It sounds like a joke, but like part of me feels like if I ask my mom to change this much about her is like, you ever see a 90-year-old get a college degree? On the news… And you’re like: “Bitch, now?” “Good luck in the fucking job market.” It’s not that I don’t find hope for change, but I think even if she was young, there’s a part of my mom that’s very, very cold. I know it because I have it, I can be that. That’s why my last real secret is that I’m… People think I’m nice. Nah, I’m like my Mom. Fuck everybody. Very selfish. Very, very, very, very selfish. I smile. Very polite about it. I lie to everybody face. “Yeah, we should get dinner!” You know, lies. How you lie to people? I’m afraid of not… Man, just like my Mom, is that performance of like who you’re supposed to be. Like I’m afraid of not smiling. I smile a lot. I feel like if I don’t smile, I look like the n*ggers that shot Malcom X. I know. I’m afraid of things getting awkward. Like weird. Like even this moment, I’m like “man, I should probably think of a joke”. Shit is falling apart out here. Do you wish you didn’t tell her? No, no. I stayed in the closet for a long time. I think because of my mom I felt like… It’s not like I could bring a dude home to her, so what’s the point? But as much as she believes in God, I believe in personal growth and feeling free. I feel freer. We say things like: “Sometimes you grow and you gotta leave people behind.” “People are in your life for a reason or a season.” Or these kinds of cliché sayings. It’s hard when that person is your mom. You think a lot of the guilt is your dad’s guilt? I carry some guilt. I think because I was complicit in the lie, I guess. I thought I was protecting her. I always felt like my mom’s protector. I always felt like… I’m trying to explain this concept. I always felt like… I always felt like the result of her prayers. My mom, one of her favorite Bible verses is, I think it’s Jeremiah Chapter 33: “Ask me and I will tell you things you don’t know and can’t find out.” Do you think without your mom’s approval you’ll be okay? That eventually this will be something that you’ll be okay with? I think without my mom’s approval… I’d like to believe I will be okay. I think I’ve spent a lot of time trying to supplement that love and I’m very thankful because I have some very, very good friends. Really, really good people who are there… I think it’s something that I kind of search for. When there’s distance between me and my mom, it’s the times I feel the most like an orphan. I feel abandoned. I’m sorry, that laugh was fake. I’m trying to make jokes. I wish this moment weren’t so weird, man. I think like, what do I want from her? I know she’ll see this. I don’t know what will happen. You guys got any ideas? I don’t know what else to… I’ve been trying to be very honest because my whole life was shrouded in secrets. And I figured the only route I haven’t tried was the truth, so I’m saying everything. Here’s everything. I feel okay. I’m very thankful for tonight. Rothaniel. My name’s Rothaniel. Goodnight, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mike Epps: Indiana Mike (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-indiana-mike-transcript/

[announcer] Indianapolis, what’s up? [crowd cheering, applauding] This was real important to Mike Epps to come back to Indianapolis, to represent and put his city on the map. [yelling] Get on your feet! Put your hands together for Mike Epps! [“Portsmouths Finest” by Djbabyegg playing] ♪ Uh, check it out, chick bein’ open Let me see it ♪ ♪ If you lookin’ for a trip type You can let me be it… ♪ [Epps, over lyrics] ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ Makin’ big change, dancin’ ♪ ♪ And makin’ good sweet dime On the floor, on the floor ♪ ♪ Like a real, live moneymaker… ♪ Hey! What’s up, downtown? [crowd cheering] Yeah! [crowd whooping] Three-one-seven! [cheering continues] Where the sexy ladies at? [women cheering] Who ain’t got no panties on? [cheering] ♪ I smell turkey bacon ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ Some guys yelled too when I said, “Who ain’t got no panties on?” over there. Better not be over there naked, n*gga, up under them jeans. What’s up, Naptown! [crowd cheering] Yeah. We on the Avenue tonight, y’all. We on the Avenue. Yeah. The Madame CJ Walker Building, man. [crowd cheering] Yeah, we on the Avenue, man. Everybody’s mama got lied to on this street before back in the day. This the Ave right here. [Chuckles] Yeah, we in motherf*cking Naptown. Yeah. Shut the f*ck up. Shit. Yeah, man. Everybody’s mama got lapped. My mama and daddy met on this street at a club called Place to Play. Y’all too young for that, yeah. That’s… Yeah, that’s where it was going down at the Place to Play, n*gga. The Avenue, n*gga. Ain’t nobody got no COVID in here, do they? Shit. They all on my ass. Little fake COVID card motherf*ckers. Yeah, that COVID is some bullshit, man, you know. F*ckers talking about taking the shot. I-I don’t know what the f*ck to do. That shit is… they trying to scare you with the shit. “Go ahead and take it. Got a pill now.” [yells] I went on and got it. I said, “F*ck it.” I went and got the motherf*cker. Shit. Yeah, I went on and got it. When they start talking about cutting my shit off Netflix, I said, “Here! Where you gonna hit it at? Put it in.” I said, “Hit me in the ass with it. Hit me… Hit me…” [chuckles] I thought I had it, I-I did. I thought I had it. I went to the doctor. He said, “That ain’t what I said.” I said, “What’d you say?” He said, “I told you, you tested positive for cocaine on the 19th.” I said, “I didn’t hear you. Didn’t hear what you said.” “All I heard was 19.” See, n*ggas don’t wanna take the shot. The best way to get n*ggas to take that shot is put it in flavors. “That motherf*cker pi… That-that pineapple Moderna, n*gga!” “Shit!” “That watermelon Pfizer!” “N*gga, yeah. I’m on my ninth shot, man.” “You know they got the mango coming down next month, man.” [chuckles] We got the Mayor Hogsett in the house. Y’all, give it up for Mayor Hogsett! Mayor Hogsett! [crowd cheering] Me and him was drinking all day today. That’s what I like about him. He don’t give a f*ck. He be on the commercials lit as hell. “Get another drink and go deal with these idiots.” Mayor Hogsett, y’all. Give him a round of applause. [crowd cheering, applauding] We got a lot of great people in the house. André Carson, y’all. André Carson! André Carson! From the hood, from the hood! You hear me. Yeah, man. That’s how we doing it in Indiana, shit. Yeah, man. We got a lot of great people in the house. We got the hood mama, Miss Bimery in the house! Give it up for Miss Bimery! She done helped all kind of n*ggas get out of jail around the neighborhood. She one of them Black women, if the police got you on the car, she’ll come down there, “What the f*ck did he do?” “Get the f*ck out of his face.” “You better not hurt him, motherf*cker.” “We’ll be down there to get you, baby.” N*gga in the backseat, “Go tell my mama I love her, Miss Bimery.” [chuckles] We in Indiana, man. This where n*ggas come to get white girls at. [crowd cheering] This is where Black men come and get white girls at in Indiana. There be a brother in Brownsburg with a white girl, “I got a white girl.” “Yeah, I’m down here in Brownsburg right now, know what I mean?” “Me and my white girl got us a trailer park, you know.” “N*gga named Dewayne.” [mumbling indistinctly] [laughing] Yeah. All the brothers in here with a white girl right now, you had your ticket two months ago. Them white girls don’t play, “We’re gonna enjoy your show.” “You’re enjoy yourself. We’re gonna get your tickets.” “We’re gonna call your friends.” Black women will buy the ticket and won’t tell you they got it. [women cheering] And be punking you all through the motherf*cking house. “You still wanna go to that show, don’t you?” “Better watch your motherf*cking mouth.” “You won’t be going.” “You can clean the whole garage.” Hmm. You know, if you got COVID-19, you can eat a stranger out. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna smell it or taste it. If a woman’s coochie stank, does that mean the kid’s gonna be bad? I mean, they did come from a bad environment. Fellas, never date a woman who don’t respect your wife. I said that wrong. I didn’t mean to say that. [woman speaks indistinctly] Yeah, this is a union, bitch. Ladies, you ever just look at your man sometime and just say, “I just let anybody f*ck.” Where the fat vegans at? Any fat vegans in here tonight? Them is some lying motherf*ckers, them f*cking fat vegans. “I don’t eat that, I don’t eat that, I don’t… Uh-uh, uh-uh.” “Have you read what’s in that? I don’t eat that, I don’t eat….” You eating something, motherf*cker. I got a cousin. She’s 700 lbs. She called me crying the other day. I said, “What’s wrong?” “They snatching women in the neighborhood.” I said, “And what are you worried about?” “Ain’t gonna snatch nothing around you.” “You might get forklift off one these streets.” Anyway, she been running down the street where the women been getting snatched. She’s jogging down the street, looking in car, trying to get snatched. She’s looking in the car. She running through the park. She waving at cars. ‘Cause you know how them big girls, they run real slow. The van that been… That been snatching the women rolled past her five f*cking times the other night. I told her, “What does that tell you?” “They didn’t see me.” I said, “How in the f*ck did they not see… They seen you.” How can somebody not see a-a circle on the corner? A big Cheerio standing there on the corner, and ain’t nobody see you. Anyway, she got snatched. They ended up… I think they snatched her last Thursday or something like that. Yeah, they snatched her. I talked to the detective. He said, “Mr. Epps, she got in the van.” [chuckles] Yeah, she got in the van. As soon as they stopped, she got in… It’s a lot of young girls in here with some old men in here now. I-I… Just sprinkled off in here. I’ll see your AARP card lit up. When you see them old men walk like Mr. Ricky, walk like that. He tired of you hiding him. You take him to one of them events? Not a event, a “e-vent.” “You gonna stop hiding me. Shit, I’m ready to be seen.” She be walking up front. “Come on, Mr. Ricky. Hurry up.” Mr. Ricky, “Everybody know we’re together now. You cut the bullshit.” When Mr. Ricky get mad and she say the wrong thing and he turn around, he gonna say, “Look, bitch. Let me tell you something.” He done put that spin on it like it was a-a-a… “Look here, let me tell you something. Don’t you ever in your f*cking life!” Yeah, well shit. [Chuckles] I like Indiana ’cause everybody play basketball out here. Everybody can play ball a little bit. A little bit, you know. We got the Indiana Pacers in the house. Give it up for the Indiana Pacers! [crowd cheering] Pacers! Yeah, them my n*ggas right there, them Pacers! Yeah. I tried it, yeah. Everybody in Indiana thought they was going pro. End up going to prison. You ought to see them n*ggas playing ball in the penitentiaries in Indiana. Boy, them n*ggas is some bad n*ggas. Yeah, real shit. And I used to make the team. I used to make the team. And then when them report cards come out, over with. The coach say, “Yeah, man.” [chuckles] “You might be able to play that last game we got against Manual coming up.” [laughing] Yeah, I used to just shoot the ball. Coach be mad. Everybody be lining up just cussing motherf*ckers out. “I don’t give a damn. You need to get back on defense!” And when he got to me, he said, “You are not Reggie Miller.” I was like, “F*ck basketball. I ain’t playing this shit.” Everybody in Indiana can play ball, and when you see a n*gga that’s pigeon-toed, that got a booty up high, them n*ggas can dunk right there. N*gga that’s pigeon-toed, booty up high, n*gga can jump out the ceiling. That’s how you do it. “Throw the ball up here. Throw it up here!” One of them pigeon-toed n*ggas, “Throw that ball up here. Throw it up!” Jumping out the ceiling! [laughing] Shit. Yeah, that’s real. I see a lot of white people. I wanna tell you, y’all are about to be extinct in a minute. ‘Cause you’re not f*cking enough. White people, no, they don’t f*ck enough. They only got two kids to a house. Black people, we f*cking. I don’t give a f*ck. You can put us in prison. We gonna get the guard pregnant. “Come here. Put your ass up against the bars.” [grunting] White people, they be thinking about their money. “I can’t come in you right now, honey.” “I have to get our stocks and bonds up before I bust in you.” N*ggas don’t give a f*ck. We don’t give a f*ck. We can be poor on welfare. [blows raspberries] “Yeah, let’s bring this poor baby in the world.” [blows raspberries] [chuckling] All the motherf*cking women that’s feeding their kids Popeyes chicken, them n*ggas is going to the NFL. You want your baby to go pro? Eat Popeyes while you pregnant. He’s going pro. All them NFL players, their mama and daddy is 5 foot 2. They 6’8″, 399 pounds. Motherf*ckers was eating Popeyes when they was in the stomach. [chuckles] Big breasts. Chicken wing, that butter biscuit. Yeah, that’s some good shit right there. Yeah, I love Indianapolis, man. This is a… A good, cold motherf*cker right here. It’s good and cold, you know what I mean? Everybody here been to jail at least once. [chuckles] I got my lawyer in here right now from 1992. Where you at, Jeff? Put your hand up, Jeff Baldwin. Jeff Baldwin stand up. [audience cheering, applauding] You got so many n*ggas out of prison, it don’t matter. I was facing 20 to 50 years. Jeff told me, “It don’t look good, Mike.” [laughs] “It don’t look good, Mike. I’m telling you that right now.” But that’s good, man. When you got a real lawyer, know what I mean? Not one of them fake-ass public pretenders. You in jail, and they never been to jail, and here come some young motherf*cker, “Okay, sign your name right here.” “Let’s get it over with. You wanna get out, right?” [chuckles] Yeah. Marion County Jail, that motherf*cker right there, shit. I seen Mike Tyson one time. I was like, “Mike.” He was like, “Where you from?” I said, “Indianapolis.” He was like, “Oh shit!” He was like, “I don’t never wanna go to that motherf*cker, right there.” [laughing] I remember one time I had a girl come from out of town. She came here. Got her some White Castles and shit. She jumped off the plane. “I’m hungry.” “Oh, Indianapolis. I love Naptown.” I took it, “I’m hungry Let’s get some food.” I took her to White Castle. She was eating them little hamburgers. She was… Onion rings. [Mimicking chewing] I called the next morning, she in the hospital over… In f*cking Wilshire, she over there. They pumping her stomach. She said, “What the f*ck was in them hamburgers?” She said, “The doctor said I almost died last night.” She said, “F*ck that shit.” Yeah, that’s some real shit. I know during the pandemic, that was some scary shit. Everybody was stuck in the house. You go to the f*cking grocery store, everybody looking at each other crazy. “You ain’t got it, do you?” [chuckles] Walking through the grocery store, ain’t no motherf*cking toilet paper, all soap. I said, “They… Yeah, they wiping their ass, but they ain’t washing it.” There’s some funky booty n*ggas out here somewhere. [laughing] That shit was crazier than a motherf*cker. Dr. Fauci on the f*cking TV every day scaring motherf*ckers. “Well, this is the problem.” “I know that in two months we’re gonna be okay, all right?” N*ggas like, “Two months?” People that ain’t never been locked down before, they was going crazy. It was just good for everybody that been to jail. It was like, “Yeah.” “Gonna get my little noodles out,” you know what I mean. “My crackers, gonna make me a slam. Sit back.” “Chop them little beef jerkies down in there with the cheese and shrimp.” Look at the jail n*ggas. They know about that. They know about that little jail tray right there. Yeah, that shit was crazy. Wasn’t nobody having fun but the scammers. All the PPP loan-thieving motherf*ckers, they was on Instagram and Facebook like this. Look at these stealing motherf*ckers on… People that had jobs was praying. “This too shall pass.” Yeah. If you stealing f*cking money, you know what I mean, from thin air? F*ck it. Take it. F*ck ’em. Take the money. All the money they ain’t took from you. F*ck ’em. Take the f*cking money. Just don’t be buying no shoes and belts and shit with it. Buy you some land. Buy you some property and some, yeah… [audience clapping, cheering] …with that stolen-ass money. Buy you some houses ’cause you gonna need it when you get out ’cause you gonna get some time. They’re gonna lock your ass up. You going to jail. That’s f*cked up. You gotta get your teeth fixed when you stealing. Anything you doing wrong, get your teeth fixed and your health right. So at least you’d be healthy in there. Every time you buy a belt, that tooth you ain’t fixed is in the back, shaking his head saying, “Look at this motherf*cker buying another belt.” “My tooth been back here smelling like shit for two years.” “And you buying another belt, n*gga?” [chuckling] I decided to sell drugs. I was the worst drug dealer you ever seen in your f*cking life. Yeah, you know. You gotta be a certain type of motherf*cker to sell drugs, you know? I was just, you know, I walk up to the car with my hand like this. F*ckers just hit my hand and ride off. [screaming] Okay, that’s the first sign. Get a f*cking job. You know. I remember one time, ’cause I had a gift of gab, I was talking to this drug dealer. [mimicking conversation] Motherf*cker gave me half a kilo. I was like, “Hey!” “I’ll see you next week.” “Okay, all right, yeah.” I didn’t know who to sell it to. Man, I sat on that man’s shit for two months. He was looking for me. [Chuckles] That’s the worst feeling in the world. When you owe a drug dealer? Shit. Everybody in the hood be telling, “You know Big Tony looking for you, man.” “Yeah, I seen him. Yeah, I know where he’s at. I talked to him.” “You ain’t talked to him, n*gga. He looking for you.” And the other drug dealers be helping him catch you and shit. You be at Foot Locker buying some shoes. “Yeah, he up here buying some Jordans right now.” “With your money, Big Tony.” “Hold him there. Stall him, stall him!” “Stall him!” That’s the worst feeling when you owe a big drug dealer some money. You sitting there shooting dice, and he walk up. And you like, “Uh.” “Hey, what’s up, Big Tony?” “Uh!” [laughs] He like, “What am I gonna say to this n*gga right here?” I remember I was at this place called the Epicurean, know what I mean? It’s an old after-hour joint, right there off Sutherland, back in the day, in the ’90s. And I used to take my jacket and put the cocaine down in my jacket, so when the police checked me, they didn’t find it. And I’m at the Epicurean shooting dice. It ain’t nothing but old men in there, old gamblers and shit. They in there shooting dice. They got signs on the wall. “No drugs.” “No guns.” That’s all that’s in there. Everything on the wall they say, “No, don’t have it,” it’s in there already. I’m shooting the dice. I threw the dice, and all the dope came out. All the old men, “Ah!” One of the old dudes, “Get your ass outta here. What the hell?!” When I got outside, he said, “How much you want for two of them?” Yeah. During the pandemic, I’m telling you, shit, that motherf*cking COVID shut down everything but child support. That’s the only thing kept rolling, that child support kept rolling. When you pay the child support that I pay, you be mean to your kids. [yelling] “Shut the f*cking door!” [in normal voice] “Dad, got straight As.” [yelling] “I don’t give a f*ck!” That’s the only thing that kept rolling was child support ’cause I called down there. I called down there. Yeah, I told the lady, “Do you see what’s going on in the world?” “You keep sending f*cking child support bills here, bitch.” “Do you see the world’s ending?” She said, “We don’t have anything to do with that, Mr. Epps.” “You better get rich or die trying.” I told her, “F*ck you. Go get the manager.” “I don’t wanna talk to you. You don’t own the f*cking child support place.” Yeah, shit. During the pandemic, I was watching The Verzus. That was pretty good. Yeah, the best one was Bobby Brown and-and Keith Sweat. [Laughs] I thought Bobby Brown was fittin’ to die, but that n*gga… ♪ Every little step you take ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ Every little step you take ♪ ♪ Be together ♪ [vocalizing] I said, “They better get a paramedic out there for this fat ass on the side of that motherf*cking building.” I love Bobby Brown, though. I love Bobby Brown. Yeah, yeah, shit. Keith Sweat came out there with that little Aladdin jacket on. He got a permanent hunch in his back from f*cking aunties in the ’80s. He f*cked over 300 aunties in his whole career. He might’ve got your auntie. He was at Faces. Mike Jones and Tandy, all them n*ggas was at Faces. [laughs] There’s a lot of young grandmas out here, y’all. These grandmas nowadays, oh my God. They ain’t… y’all not gonna be like our grandmas now. Don’t forget. Our grandmas was listening to Natalie Cole. Y’all listening to Megan Thee Stallion. So you know what kind of grandma that’s gonna be. “Baby, we was twerking like a motherf*cker.” “I had n*ggas in my DMs like a motherf*cker.” “Me and Rose went to a Cardi B concert.” “We had a ball.” [chuckles] “Not Rose.” [laughing] “Me and Laquisha went, though.” [chuckles] “Remember 90-years-old Laquisha.” “Me and Laquisha had a ball, bitch.” [chuckles] Eighty-three-year-old peaches. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know? All these beautiful ladies in here. If you beautiful and you know it, make some noise. Come on. [women cheering] Yeah, where’s your confidence at? Where’s your confidence at? If you beautiful and don’t know it, make some noise. [audience chuckles] [woman whoops] Okay, one dumb broad right there. Just… She had to say something. I thought she didn’t know it. If you’re not beautiful at all… But your confidence is through the roof, and guys be trying to sneak and f*ck you, make some noise. [man in audience] Yeah! One guy said, “Yeah!” [man in audience] Yeah! Shut up, n*gga, shit. [chuckles] ‘Cause all the girls that look like Beyoncé, they got money, be sitting in the corner just quiet. Ain’t having no fun. All the bitches that look like Kirk Franklin, these bitches got bottles. You got sections and every motherf*cking thing. Yeah. It’s hard being in show business, man, you know. ‘Cause everybody wants something from you, you know. You wanna give it to them, but you don’t have enough. [chuckles] ‘Cause that’s f*cked up, you know. That’s how Black people are. We be all… You go to a picnic. You be famous and shit. Everybody be happy to see you. There be one n*gga in the corner eating looking at you like, “Yeah.” What the f*ck is wrong with him over there? “Yeah, I need to holler shit for a minute for you.” [chuckles] Yeah. I be walking in Indianapolis. This is the only place I can come, motherf*ckers keep it real with me. Everywhere I go, people be happy to see me. “Mike Epps, Mike Epps!” I come to Indianapolis, man, I… [chuckles] I’m in the grocery store. Motherf*ckers just walk up. “You still telling them corny-ass jokes up there?” That’s why the f*ck I don’t come back to the area. You n*ggas is haters, man. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know? Y’all got a lot of nice-looking ladies. I tell guys all the time, “Don’t f*ck a girl with Uggs on.” Girls that wear Uggs are hoes. One, uh, uh, uh… Yeah, that lion color Ugg? That’s… That’s a ho right there. That sable Ugg? Them is hoes right there. They’ll f*ck you in the back of Arby’s. Big roast beef. [mimicking stomping noise] [sighs] [chuckles] I remember I got robbed in Indiana when I was young. N*ggas put me in the trunk. They was about to kill me. I’m telling you. As soon as they cut the music off, I was like… They was like, “What?” I was like, “Play that again.” They was like, “You better shut the f*ck up back there!” [chuckles] Bill Cosby’s out. Yeah. [scattered applause in audience] Yeah, see, I wanna be with Bill Cosby. But I remember he was talking about brothers wearing their pants sagging. He really, you know, he really wasn’t with us. He was, but he wasn’t. But he went down, you know. And it was all white women that told on him. That’s what was f*cked up, all white girls. You seen the interviews they did. Yeah. A bunch of white girls told on him and shit. I just seen him in Atlanta about, about two weeks ago. I seen him down there at Macy’s. He was buying some sweaters. He had some tank tops and shit. He had a mask. He didn’t know I seen him, but I know his little moves. Remember from the TV show. [singing The Cosby Show theme] That’s how he was turning around in there. [singing The Cosby Show theme] I told my boy, “That’s Bill Cosby.” I was just f*cking with him. I walked past quick. I said, “Where the hoes at?” He was just, “Hey!” “Where are the hoes?” Bill Cosby, he was knocking out all white women, though. It was all white girls. You seen the white girls on the interview. They told on Bill. He was knocking out all white girls. Poor white women, he was knocking ’em… “Oh, Bill!” [mimics burp] He was… ♪ Oh, what a relief it is ♪ [vocalizing] He tried to knock some Black women out, but they drink every night. Tolerance too high. He put four pills in a Black girl’s drink. She talkin’ about, “What? Something supposed to be wrong with me?” “You’re gonna be dead, bitch, all the pills I just put in your motherf*cking drink.” They locking all the Black men up, you know what I mean? F*cking Weinstein. He thought he was gonna get off ’cause he was sick. Every time he come to court, he couldn’t walk. He like this… They said, “Get on in here. We got a…”. “We got a medical ward in the prison too.” “You going to jail, white boy.” [laughing] R. Kelly man, damn. What a singing motherf*cker, oh man. Singing-ass n*gga right there. Who was gonna beat R. Kelly in The Verzus? [in singsong voice] Nobody. No, I’ll tell you who would’ve beat him. A judge. A judge would have tore his ass up. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit. ‘Cause I’m from Indiana. You know how this town can be, right? But I’m gonna be honest. I’m so tired of acting like I don’t like white people. I only do it in front of Black people. White people, if you heard some of the shit I said about you when I was around Black people… And then I go back to my gated community and hug my neighbor Bob and his wife Cindy and tell him, “I love you, Bob.” I’m a fake-ass n*gga, y’all. [mumbling humorously] [laughs] Soon as Black people get some money, they don’t wanna be around Black people. “Nuh-uh, get them n*ggas away from me. I don’t deal with no Black people.” “F*ck that shit.” “N*ggas are so dinky.” “Them some n*ggas? Get them n*ggas away from here.” “I don’t deal with no n*ggas.” [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know. See all these young girls in here. Young girls, y’all need to hang with nothing but Tina Turners, older women from Haughville. Tina Turners and-and Betty Wrights. Older women know how to ask you for something. Young women don’t know how to ask for no money after they gave you coochie. Older women know how to ask for that money. This how an older woman ask for some money. “I was wondering, since we spent a couple hours together, seemed like you enjoyed yourself.” “If you have it on your heart to do something nice for me so I can get my nails and my toes done, a few other things.” How you gonna tell this motherf*cker no if she done said shit like this? This is how young girls ask for money. “You still gonna do what you said you gonna do, OG?” “I gotta give you $200 and take an antibiotic?” “Bitch, don’t come back. I don’t give a f*ck.” [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit. “Period.” That’s what young girls say. “Period.” “Per…” [laughs] I can’t get with the young audience. “Period!” And my kids, they just dance. I’m talking about these young kids with these dances and shit. “Stop f*cking moving around me!” One of my daughters did it like… I’m like, “Hey! That ain’t no dance, is it?” “This shit right here?” That’d got you hit in your eye back in the day. Acting like you finna hit a motherf*cker. [chuckles] Yeah, man, I grew up in Indianapolis, you know what I mean. Busting fire hydrants and shit. Going to free lunch programs at School 48. Yeah. The, uh, Diagnostic Center. I love everything about Indianapolis. This is a beautiful town right here, man. [audience cheering enthusiastically] This city right here definitely made me, man. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, this show was dedicated to my mother and father. I lost both of them last year, you know what I mean? So… They are real Indianapolis natives. Mary Reed, Tommy Epps. My father worked at Navistar for 40 years. [audience cheering] Yeah, my mother used to work at Blocks. Yeah. [Chuckles] You remember Blocks? [audience] Yeah! You remember them big Spiegel’s catalogs? [audience] Yeah! You’d be ordering shit out of there, yeah. That’s good old Indianapolis right there for you, man. Sammy Terry. [In creepy voice] Ooh! “Good evening and welcome to Sammy Terry.” [in normal voice] He used to have me with my underwear, “Ah!” “Sammy Terry gonna get you!” That’s how my mother made me go to bed. “Sammy Terry gonna get you.” [laughs] Yeah, man. Everybody don’t know about Indianapolis, but it’s more than corn here. You know what I mean? [audience cheering enthusiastically] Real smart, intelligent, educated people, man, and some real good hustlers. You know what I mean? Yeah. I learned how to hustle here, you know? Yeah. ‘Cause I used to sell candy, but I hated going on 30th and Clifton ’cause they’d take the box. I know everybody in here personally. So I’m in here. All this Hollywood shit I’m doing is for the cameras. [audience laughing] Yeah. My dad, Tommy Epps, he used to hang at The Grand all the time, you know. Yeah, he used to hang at The Grand. That was his spot. One time I was in jail. I was in jail, ’cause, you know, I was young. You know when you young and Black, you know, the older guys get out of prison. They sell prison to you real good, you know. “I was up there in Pendleton for two years and then another three years.” “Then I did five years down in Wabash.” They make it sound good. You like, “I gotta go. Shit, I gotta go check this.” “I gotta check this shit out.” Yeah, I was in jail one time. I was telling my dad ’cause I ran into an OG. He was talking good. He was talking about the white man. “Yeah, the white man is the reason why you in here.” I was thinking, I was like, “No, I did that shit.” He caught me. The white man caught me. And he was an OG. He was sitting there telling me about all this shit, and I called my dad. I was like, “Dad, man, I’m in here with a dude.” “He is so smart, this dude. Oh God.” “He is a real OG.” My dad was like, “Yeah, shit.” [chuckles] “He ain’t too smart. He’s in there with you.” I was like, “All right, Dad. I gotta go. They about to cut the phones off. Bye.” [chuckles] Yeah, my dad had a good sense of humor. One day he called me. He was talking about some kids that robbed the bank. He was like, “Yeah, some motherf*ckers robbed a bank in Indiana and shit.” He said, “Man…” [laughs] He said, “The news people asked the kids ‘What made you do that?'” He said, “One of the kids said, ‘Shit, man,” we was watching Heat and we just said, “we just said, f*ck it.'” My dad said, “Shit, they must’ve not watched the ending of that motherf*cker.” Now, they got f*cked up! Yeah, shit. My mother, she used to go to them f*cking PTA meetings. Them teachers be lying on you and shit. You ever see your mother talking to a teacher and you just looking at your mother like… “I’m gonna tear your ass up later on.” Yeah. My mother used to talk about she was gonna kick the teacher’s ass. “I’m gonna let that bitch know. I’m gonna let her have it.” And get up here and be nice. “Okay, bye-bye, excellent.” “Get your ass in the car!” I’m like, “What the f*ck did she tell you?” Yeah. And see, now that I’m grown, man, I got my life together, I like admitting shit, you know. [audience applauding] I mean, it ain’t quite together. You know. But, you know, I ain’t doing what I used to do. You know what I mean? To be from Indianapolis, you know what I mean, to come up out of this motherf*cker right here? [whistles] This is a bad boy right here. You don’t know it ’cause you live here. You don’t go nowhere. I mean, some of y’all do, but this is a bad motherf*cker right here. You know. No… no high school, uh, diploma. You know, three felonies. Food stamps. Kaboom cereal. King Vitamin. How in the f*ck did we make it? You know what I mean? ‘Cause the Black man been through so motherf*cking much, the white, you could just talk about shit, talk about white people all day, and they’ll say, “I understand.” “I really understand. I get it.” “I understand.” [laughs] But the Black man is a bad motherf*cker in America. You hear me? You know? A bad motherf*cker. To start on zero and still win, you a bad motherf*cker. [audience cheering] That’s why we need Mayor Hogsett. Yeah, he like the people, know what I mean? We need a… an abolitionist with us. [audience laughing] We need a white Frederick Douglass right here in Indianapolis. “Come on! Hurry up!” “Here they come! Get out of here!” My man André Carson, straight out of the hood. Got a seat at the… on the… At the White House. That’s some good shit right there. My man Amp Harris, man been throwing parties and helping the community forever. My man “Boom Boom” Mancini, good brother right there. Straight out of the community, straight out of the hood. Mike Jones. My man Red Slaughter right there. The Bradley family, you know what I mean? All my brothers and sisters, the whole east side, Haughville. [cheering] ‘Cause I know y’all seen my new Netflix TV show, you know what I mean? Based out of Indianapolis. Monty was like, “Yeah, I see you got you a new show with Tommy Davidson.” I said, “That’s Wanda Sykes.” Yeah, ’cause these little young dudes, man. They… Woof! Ooh. [Exhales] They need some help. That’s what they need. Yeah. ‘Cause these little kids are disrespectful nowadays. Little motherf*ckers. Like I said, the grandmas is different, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, the f*cking grandmas is different, man, shit. Remember, back in the day, them grandmas in our neighborhood… You catch eye contact with an old lady, she say, “Go to the store for me.” Oh shit. Now you gotta follow this old-ass lady in the house. House hot as hell. “Let me show you. It cost $1.89.” “Come here. I’m gonna show you what it is. Come on up here.” “Reach up there and get that out of there right there.” “It’s back there by the orange juice.” “And… and baby, get you something.” “Get you something.” “I’m gonna get me something. You might not get all your shit.” That’s what I do to old ladies around. I take their money. Yeah, that’s some real shit, man. But I love telling jokes, know what I mean? I can’t see myself doing anything else, you know? Yeah. These little young dudes around here, they are scary, you know. I was at a gas station the other day. Some young dudes was sitting in the car. I know they was talking ’cause they was laughing. I was like, “What the f*ck is fun… “. Soon as I walked back, ’cause I have some braids. Motherf*cker was like, “Tight braid head ass.” I was like… I heard it, but I was like, “F*ck them motherf*ckers.” I just went in the gas station. Man, I walk out, and I hear another motherf*cker, “Big short ass.” I said, “Oh hell no.” I walk up to the car, I look down across, say, “Little motherf*cker! Let me tell…”. And when I look, they had a machine gun in the back seat. I said, “God bless you, little brother. Y’all have a good day. Take it easy.” Let me get the f*ck away from here, shit. That was a good thing Dave Chappelle did. But I wouldn’t advise a motherf*cker that ain’t got no money to do it. F*ck around and say something about the LGBTQTs. You better have some money. Say the wrong shit about them, them f*ckers be outside. [chanting] “F*ck Mike Epps!” “F*ck Mike Epps!” “F*ck Mike Epps!” And mean it too. I tell men all the time, “Hey, man.” “Don’t be angry about gay people.” “‘Cause if you too angry, it look like you hiding something.” They don’t bother me, no. I see them all time. I’ll see ’em at the airport… “Mike Epps!” I was like, “Calm down. First of all, calm down.” “Stop making all the goddamn noise so everybody see us over here.” “I wanna take a picture with you.” I said, “I’m taking a picture, man.” I’m looking around. I was like, “Man.” We finna take the picture. Everything cool. Something told me look down, so I looked. He taking a picture looking. I said, “No, n*gga. We ain’t taking that picture right there.” “With your face looking at me, n*gga, we ain’t doing that one.” He finna have me on Entertainment Tonight, n*gga. [singing Entertainment Tonight theme] I got married again, you know. I got a new wife, you know. [audience cheering, whooping] Hope I don’t f*ck this one up, you know. [chuckles] Yeah, man, being married is a motherf*cker, man. Especially when you’re in show business. ‘Cause pussy just fall out the sky. Hey, hey! You gotta step over. “Excuse me, pussy. I’m gone.” “Gonna f*ck my life up.” I love being Black, man. If I died and came back, I still wanna be a n*gga. Ain’t that something? [audience cheering loudly] Look at the white people. “You sure you wanna do that again?” You goddamn right. It’s hard being Black, but it’s fair, ’cause when you Black in America, shit, you know you start off on zero, you know what I mean? You don’t never start off on ten, you know. You need people that started off on ten to help your zero ass. You know what I mean? So, yeah, it’s hard being Black. Black people been through so motherf*cking much that white people, if you talk about them, they’ll just say, “I understand.” “Go ahead. Go right ahead.” “You guys, it’s unfair. Go right ahead.” “I understand.” [chuckles] Yeah, shit. African-American, shit, ’cause everybody got somewhere to go but us. If the Mexican get mad, he can go back to Mexico. If… if… Yeah. If the Asian get mad, he can go back to Asia. If we get mad, we ain’t got no motherf*cking where to go. I thought it was Africa until I went. Motherf*cker was like, [in African accent] “You are not one of my real brothers.” [in normal voice] I was like, “What?” [in African accent] “Yes, my brother. You are not one of my brothers.” “You are very lazy.” “You do not take advantage of your education.” [in normal voice] I said, “Can you drive this cab a little faster?” “And get some deodorant immediately….” “With your over-educated, underpaid ass.” Everybody think they going to heaven, and they’re not. God knows your crooked Christian ass. And if anybody ever left here before you and went to heaven, I don’t care if it’s your mama, your daddy, brother, sister, cousin… They went so you could get in. ‘Cause you wasn’t getting in. You wasn’t invited. It’s who you know. [chuckles] As soon as you get to heaven, man, the pearly gates are standing there and everybody wanna get in. It’s like a club. You can’t get in. Everybody’s trying to get in. The big bodyguards are standing there, and Jesus come out like a promoter. He let all the bad bitches in. “Let her in.” “Them two right there. Let that girl in right there.” “Let the two girls.” “Oh, I’ll text you.” [chuckles] Yeah. You wasn’t going to heaven. But all them Black ghetto mothers in heaven, they’ve been letting their sons in. They got a side door up there. Them Black mothers been lettin’ them, “Come on, baby, come on. Get in here!” “You smell like weed. Come on!” “Put the wings on. Put the wings on.” “Zip it up. Flap, flap!” “Act like you’re a angel.” I love y’all, Indianapolis. God bless y’all. [audience cheering] I’ll see you motherf*ckers on Netflix. Naptown! I need the mayor, Joe Hogsett, to come to the stage. [audience cheering] I’m proud to declare November 20, 2021 as Mike Epps Day in the city of Indianapolis! And last but not least. I need. Congressman André Carson to come to the stage. [audience cheering] You will be etched in the Congressional Record of the United States Congress forever, acknowledging your contributions as a comedian, producer, actor, entrepreneur, and most importantly a Hoosier. We love you, Mike. I’m putting you on notice. We need a street named after Mike Epps. We got Coach Mike Woodson in the house tonight! Mike Woodson! My man, Woody, right there, man. Straight out of Indianapolis, yo. I-I just, I like, [voice breaking] I just wanna thank you, you know. And thank all my friends and family. I love you all, man. Thank you. Uh… I’m grateful, man. I’m grateful… I’m grateful that I can come back home like this. Everybody can’t come home. You know what I mean? So to be able to come home, this means everything to me, y’all, and I really appreciate it. Does anybody have a Backwood out there that I can…

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Catherine Cohen: The Twist…? She’s Gorgeous (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/catherine-cohen-the-twist-she-gorgeous-transcript/

I’m starring in a show! I’m Catherine and I dance very beautiful! [man] Hey, Catherine. [young Catherine laughs] No pictures. No pictures. No pictures. Well, I’m just gonna walk into the TV. [woman] You are? Yeah. [woman] That’s magic. I know. ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Ha, ha, ha ♪ [Catherine] ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪ ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪ [laughs] I feel completely insane, but I look literally stunning. [knock on door] [man] That’s five. Yes. Thank you, Knock. Thank you, Five. Thank you… [groaning melodramatically] [hyperventilating] [audience applauding, cheering] [male announcer] Hello, New York City. Welcome to Joe’s Pub. Please give a thunderous, warm welcome to Catherine Cohen. [audience applauding, cheering] [whistling] Seriously. Stop. I’m shy. [audience laughs] ♪ Hello ♪ [audience member whoops] Oh, my God. [laughs] I have an amazing voice. [laughter] Wow. Look at me doing comedy in a rhinestone romper. [laughter] Against all odds. Bet you’re wondering how I got here. Well, baby, [chuckles] I’ll tell you. [audience whoops] ♪ When I was a little girl ♪ ♪ Gazing out my window Looking at the world ♪ ♪ Wishing time would just go On and on and on ♪ ♪ And take me to a new place ♪ ♪ Where I’d sing a song And meet a fresh face ♪ Hey! ♪ How do we find our calling? ♪ ♪ How do we know where we belong? ♪ ♪ If we harbor enough Resentment in our teens ♪ ♪ We can write a catchy and funny song ♪ Whoo! ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So, now I do comedy ♪ ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me please, please ♪ ♪ Please ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, uh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ When I was a tweenage girl ♪ ♪ At the big school dance I playfully grabbed Andrew’s hat ♪ ♪ And away I pranced ♪ ♪ It was a flirty thing I’d seen some of the skinny hot girls do ♪ ♪ But Andrew was just like ♪ “Gimme my hat back.” ♪ I cried the whole way home ♪ ♪ I thought Stealing someone’s hat was sexy ♪ ♪ But now I sing in dimly lit bars ♪ ♪ Andrew voted for Trump and has a car ♪ I don’t have one. ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So, now I do comedy ♪ I don’t have a car. Lunge out. ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪ Seriously, please. ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪ White boot. ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ Hit my clit. ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, please, please ♪ ♪ Please ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh ♪ Yeah. Bridge. ♪ This is healthy ♪ ♪ What I’m doing is healthy ♪ ♪ This is a good way To work shit out, yeah ♪ ♪ For the record I’ve met boys who wanna kiss ♪ ♪ Some even wanna Put their dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ But it’s never enough ♪ Help! Spin. Okay. ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So, now I do comedy in New York City ♪ Give it up. [audience cheers] ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪ Seriously, please. ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪ Hair flip. ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ I’m unwell. ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, please, please ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh, oh ♪ Big finish. Ready? Hey. ♪ Look at me ♪ [cheering and applause] Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys. [audience cheers] So, welcome to heaven. This my show. [laughs] You look at me, you think, “Okay. She has it all.” And it’s true. I do. Ooh. I’m young. Oh. I’m gorgeous. Ooh. But, just this morning, I had one sip of cold brew and ruined my only butthole. [laughter] Stars, they’re just like us. I am so happy to be doing this in New York City. [cheering] Mmm! New York City, where I, for lack of a better term, do actually “live.” The other day, I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge and I was like, “Oh, my God. I guess I am the voice of my generation.” And it’s exhausting, but someone has to do it. [burps] I’m sorry… [audience laughs] Oh, I’m sorry. I literally can’t stop creating content. If this gets too tall, I will try to fuck it. So we have to… She has a type. I recently quit my job because I couldn’t wake up and go there. Does that resonate with anyone? Yeah. So, now I’ve been doing a lot of lying on my bed, just kind of waiting for the retweet, that’ll [clicks tongue] turn it all around. Social media is perfect, ’cause you can watch people you barely know sort of unravel in real time. Which I absolutely foot pop j’adore. No, jealousy is cool, ’cause it’s like swallowing a house that you just set on fire. [audience laughs] Not to be this bitch, but a pandemic, colon? Not what I had in mind. So ran… Literally, so random. I was like, “I did not know this was an option.” I was way more concerned with things just falling on my head. There’s a lot of stuff that’s up. And here I am beneath. But a pandemic is what we ultimately got. Which was rock and roll, normal and cool. The last year was absolutely exquisite. I gained a lot of weight over the last year, which isn’t good or bad. It isn’t good or bad. Not… It isn’t good or bad. So, it isn’t good or bad to gain weight because isn’t good or bad. And can you tell I had therapy two times this week? Yes. Oh, my God. A standing ovation so early in the show. I did not see that coming. Um, but it’s cool. One perk of gaining weight is that, obviously, my tits got huge. If you didn’t notice, it’s because you hate women. My tits got big enough that I can now, like all the great poets who came before me, titty fuck my boyfriend. [audience cheers] Thank you. Thank you. No, no. And that’s not why I do it. I don’t like being the girl who’s like, [whining] “My boyfriend, my boyfriend,” I feel like girls who are like, [whining] “My boyfriend, my boyfriend,” are the same kind of girls who are like, [in nasal voice] “There is actually too much sugar in fruit.” [in normal voice] “So, for me, it’s a dessert.” And then their mouth goes all the way around their face. But I can officially titty fuck my… Don’t you sometimes wish there were different words for things? But now my tits are big enough that I can wrap ’em ’round my boyfriend’s cock. Did you think… Be honest. Did you think you’d hear “cock” this early in the show? Cock is such a porny word. I famously love porn, if my boyfriend tells me the girl looks like me. Otherwise, it is bad for women. And that’s just where I stand on that issue. So, I was, for the last time, titty fucking my boyfriend. Humble brag. And… when he came… [clicks tongue] Yeah. Could hear a freaking pin drop. When he came, [smacks lips] he made a sound I’ve never heard before. And I was like, “[chuckles] Okay. I’m a sex goddess.” I turn to him, I say… [clicks tongue] “How was that for you?” And he goes, “It was actually almost painful.” Um, feminist win much? Yes. I’m doing the work. Oh, there’s such a good energy in here. I… You’re family. [audience cheers] I love. I love. What a summer. It’s been a time. I hate the summer. All I’ve ever done in a bikini is sob. But one thing I love about summer, I have to say, is those hot, hot summer anthems. So, if the DJ could just drop that track real quick, that’d be sick. I’m really more of a dancer than a comedian. Dancer first, choreographer second, model third, comedian fourth. [audience whooping] Shh. Let me do my thing. ♪ I don’t know if you heard Or if you hang on every word I say ♪ ♪ But I got something I must share So, listen up, hey, hey ♪ ♪ The weather’s getting hot And I am, oh, so ready to play ♪ ♪ So, listen up and I’ll tell you How you can make my day ♪ ♪ Make my day ♪ ♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪ ♪ Please, invite me to your events ♪ ♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪ ♪ Take me to your events ♪ ♪ Don’t know if you know But it is known that I am just perfect ♪ ♪ To take to a red carpet Where you must repeat and step ♪ ♪ I know the poses ♪ ♪ Yes, you know I slay the skinny arm ♪ ♪ Because I’ve hated my arms Since I was a preteen ♪ ♪ Thank you, patriarchy ♪ Yes! ♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪ ♪ My life is hard I need to go to events ♪ ♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪ ♪ Take me to your events ♪ ♪ Champagne flute, cocktail dress Uber, Lyft, Via, sure ♪ ♪ Dress code, list at the door Don’t worry, I’ve done this before ♪ ♪ People will send me shit for free ♪ ♪ Friends say I look like fat Alison Brie ♪ ♪ But they mean it in a nice way ♪ ♪ Yes, they definitely Mean it in a nice way ♪ ♪ Ah, ooh ♪ ♪ Event ♪ ♪ Take me to your events ♪ ♪ Ah, ooh ♪ ♪ Event ♪ ♪ Take me to your events ♪ Bridge. ♪ Don’t insult me ♪ ♪ Be a good host ♪ ♪ No Facebook invite But only Paperless Post ♪ ♪ If you ask me for my mailing address ♪ Step ball change. ♪ It will get lost ♪ ♪ I must confess, because I move so much ♪ ♪ Because I can’t afford rent ♪ Yes! ♪ Events, events, I wanna go to events My life is hard ♪ ♪ I need to go to an event tonight ♪ ♪ To fill the void that is inside ♪ ♪ I must go to an event ♪ ♪ Please, take me to your events ♪ [cheering] Um, I think everyone has heard by now, but I want to be up front about this. I have some exciting news. I… [chuckles] recently read a book. [scattered laughter] [cheering] Thank you. [mouthing] Thank you. I love you. I have a rare disease where if I read a book, the whole time I’m looking at it, I’m like, [chuckles] “Look at you. Reading a book.” “You stupid, stupid slut.” Just ’cause I don’t like to read, write, argue or be alone, doesn’t mean I’m not an intellectual. [cheering] That’s my crowd work. I actually won a very prestigious award lately. Hold for applause. I won an award for leaving my home without my phone for 42 minutes. Yeah. Thank you. And, no, and that’s not why I do it. And that’s not why I do it. When I did that, I had what critics and fans alike are calling “a lady in a movie moment.” “What’s that? What’s that? What could that possibly be? What is that?” So, “a lady in a movie moment” is when something happens to you that might happen to a lady in a movie. So, for example, if you, um… if you check the mail with your little key… Lady in a movie. [laughter] If you hold a baguette… If you’re even near a baguette… Lady in a movie. And if you, say it with me, run into your ex on the street, that is full-blown, hundy p, lady in a… [audience] Lady in a movie. Thank you. Oh! It feels good to be at home. So, I did recently, like a cartoon, have a lady in a movie moment. I ran into my ex on the street. [scoffs] And he was wearing a suit. He looked incredible. Which is, as we know, illegal. And I was wearing… What’s it called when you, like, don’t shave your legs for three months and then you shave ’em really quick and there’s blood everywhere? [audience laughs] So, I was wearing that. And we ran into each other, and he’s one of these people who uses your name in a sentence. It’s like… Whoa. [chuckles] If you use my name in a sentence, you need to either fuck me or kill me. There’s no in-between. On this occasion, he kind of chose to do neither, which was, of course, a power move and not at all related to how he feels about me. I’m sorry. I just choked on my own human tongue. Breakups are cool. Right? I’m a guy’s girl. Breakups are cool. Breakups are freaking sick. Breakups are cool because it’s like you have a best friend and then they die. [audience laughs] And then, instead of going to their funeral, you go and fuck a long-haired guy named Randy in the back seat of a red Mazda in the parking lot of a water park. And when you ask him to drive you home, he goes, “I can’t. I’m on shrooms.” What stage of grief is that? Which one? No. Okay, that’s good. Get back to me on that. I… I learned a lot from my ex, though. It’s cool. I never thought, and I’m sorry, I get choked up when I talk about this. But, I, um… [exhales] Here I go again. He knows. I never thought [sighs] that I could love someone who can watch an entire movie while sitting upright in a wooden chair. But love works in mysterious ways. I mean, she really, really does. My ex and I lived together for three years. And we actually kept living together two months after we broke up. Which is, of course, say it with me, good for the environment. Oops, I just ran for office. Oops, I just won. [audience laughs] Thankfully… [chuckles] Imagine. [audience laughs] No, thank you. [vocalizing whooshing] Um… Whenever… Whenever I think… I’m like, “Who decides where the streets go?” I think about that a lot. And all I think is, “I am so glad that’s not my job.” So, thankfully, I live by myself now. When I first moved into my own apartment, I fully developed a, say it with me, new personality. I have a lot of new traits now. I recently went to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m. Doctor’s orders. And when I walked in, I was like… ‘Cause I’m cool. When I walk into Chipotle… Up here, I’m all… At Chipotle, I get it. I’m like… [audience laughing] [smacks lips] I walk into a Chipotle and the guy working there… Yes, a man. Important for the story. He’s like, “What do you want?” And I’m like, “Okay. He wants to have raw dog sex with me.” No. I say, “Hello. I would like a chicken burrito bowl.” “I know guac is extra and I’ll take the hottest sauce.” He goes, “[scoffs] You sure?” [moans] I was like, “Oh, my God.” [in young girl voice] “Am I sure?” Mmm… “I don’t know.” “I never thought about that before.” [smacks lips] “I don’t think about big boy questions like that.” “I’m just a little girly.” “I think about little girly things like earrings.” “And shoes. I don’t know about big boy stuff like that.” “I’m just a little baby with titties.” [in normal voice] Oh, I’m sorry. I just completely blacked out. Did I do something? Wait, did I say something annoying? I don’t think we should kill all the men. Hold for applause. But I don’t think men should be allowed to make movies. [audience member whoops] Superhero movies are so boring I could melt into the Earth. I don’t care about movies that are about, like, sand… or rope, or space. The only kind of movies I want to watch are where a woman looks at herself in her medicine cabinet mirror and says… [in deep voice] “Hello, stranger.” [in normal voice] That’s kind of the genre that works for me. That being said, I do wanna be the first person in a Marvel movie who’s never seen a Marvel movie. So, DM me. You know, it’s sad. I do have a hard time with men, but even I… Even I can’t resist. Even I get a bit horny this… [audience whooping] …time of year. ♪ Love is in the air tonight ♪ ♪ Those summer lights Are twinkling bright ♪ ♪ I’m sitting here Sipping an iced coffee ♪ ♪ I won’t feel bad for being A little bit naughty ♪ [audience laughs] ♪ I’ll eat a cookie or two ♪ ♪ It’s just that time of year ♪ ♪ I’ll stay out later than I should ♪ ♪ Might have a glass of wine On a school night ♪ ♪ Baby, it’s just that time of year ♪ ♪ I’ll take the scenic route home ♪ ♪ It’s just that time of year ♪ ♪ I’ll dig a really deep hole ♪ ♪ It’s just that time of year ♪ ♪ I’ll keep digging that hole Till there’s a very deep hole ♪ ♪ Baby, it’s just that time of year ♪ [exclaims] ♪ When I drag you in the hole ♪ ♪ Babe, you won’t feel a thing ♪ ♪ I’ve knocked you out with a shovel ♪ ♪ When you wake up in that hole Wonderin’ how you got so low ♪ ♪ Know it’s ’cause you touched My lower back at a party four years ago ♪ ♪ And then you made That joke about raping me ♪ ♪ And when I see your friends ‘Cause it’s that time of year ♪ ♪ When the boys’ll close down the bar ♪ ♪ I’ll let them know with my eyes ♪ ♪ There will be no surprise ♪ ♪ If you touch me I will destroy your life ♪ ♪ And when you slowly die ♪ ♪ ‘Cause it’s that time of year ♪ ♪ When the nights They get, oh, so cold ♪ Brr. ♪ You’ll wish you were safe at home ♪ ♪ Drinking with your bros ♪ ♪ But instead you’re dying in a hole ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you treated me Like I was your property ♪ ♪ And ever since then You’ve been dead to me ♪ ♪ And the last thing you see Will be my face ♪ Good night. [audience applauding, cheering] Ooh. Okay. I feel so randomly safe with y’all. So comfortable. Family, family, family. I can reveal now, at this point in the program… [laughs] In high school, my nickname was Critter. I think ’cause I’m conventionally attractive and… [audience laughs] I didn’t love it because Critter was shortened to “Crit.” To me, that sounded a lot like “Clit.” And I was like, “What’s happening with my one life?” But… Honestly, now, like, I am a lot like a clit. I’m extremely sensitive, I love to be touched, and straight guys just don’t know what to do with me. Sometimes they want to fuck me, and sometimes they think I’m like a fun aunt ’cause my energy is like… [hums] And I’m always at restaurants moaning along when the waiter tells me the specials. I’m always like, “Mmm, risotto.” Mmm. ‘Cause it’s always a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes! [audience] Whoo! Wow! That mushroom risotto joke is an absolute banger. Um… Thank you so much. Have a great night. No. You wish. You sick fucks. But I got more to give. I actually was supposed to go to my ten-year high school reunion recently. But I couldn’t go because I was, um, jerking off on the floor of my apartment. “Why the floor? Why the floor? Why the floor?” I was too lazy to close the window curtain that looks into the bed. So, I was like, “Floor it is.” And I think everyone here knows, but I do actually have a mirrored armoire in my bedroom. If you don’t know what an armoire is, now would be an awesome time to leave the show. [audience laughs] Thank you. Bye. So I’m jerking off on the floor. And the way I do it is beached-whale style, which means I just lay on my hand and [trills] away. And when I looked up into my mirrored armoire, I saw something I really wouldn’t wish on anyone. I saw… [chuckles] in its organic, hardy, grass-fed, natural state… my O face. Without the performance of sex, the pressure of another, I saw what I looked like when I cum, which is… [audience laughing] So, when I cum, this is actually my O face. I don’t want to be like this. By the way, if my face was symmetrical, I would not be up here doing this shit. Goes without saying, I don’t want to be this way. I want to be the kind of girl who just wears jeans. I wish I could do… You know when people do that? I can’t jump even a little. This is literally me jumping as high as I can. I wish I could be the kind of girl who’s like… Sometimes people’s legs go up. I want to be the kind of girl who just doesn’t like the taste of beer. The kind of girl who can save half a sandwich for later. The kind of girl who can go into a coffee shop and just stare at sheet music. [sighs] Just clutch it and stare at it and be like, “I get this.” [audience laughs] I want to be the kind of woman who’s out to lunch with friends, she’s draped in silks, draped in silks, draped in silks. The restaurant, of course, white tablecloth, white tablecloth. And she starts to laugh because she remembers something funny, a memory maybe. But before she does, she stops herself. She says… [laughing] “I was in love once.” So that’s the kind of girl I want to be. But I have career goals too. [woman] Whoo! Girl boss. Um, I really, really… And this is serious. This is off the record. I really want to wear a bonnet on screen. Does anyone have one? I have such a face for hats. I have the world’s roundest face. Thank you. No. Don’t all stand up at once. I really want to wear a bonnet on screen. Um… And then my second career goal is I want to be in a film where I’m going on a first date, and as I’m kissing my suitor goodnight, I close the door shut to my apartment, and then I turn around and I just… Yes. I slide against that door. I hooked up with a guy I met on a first date once ’cause I’m a slut. Take back the word. And mid-moment, he was like, “Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass.” And I was like… “Maybe one fat was enough.” [audience laughs] I do. I do. I… I know. I gravely want to be thin because of society. [playing piano] Because thin privilege is real. If you’re thin… This is my ideal body type. If you’re thin, you can be famous for smoking a cigarette and looking sad. If you’re fat and there’s a photo of you smoking a cigarette and looking sad, it’s a campaign for something. It’s some D.A.R.E. shit. You know what I mean? [chuckles] But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear whatever clothes I want, whenever I want. Because, as we all know, women’s clothing sizes are totally fucked. And that’s what this song’s about. ♪ Don’t understand Why y’all won’t make bigger clothes ♪ ♪ I want the styles that you’re making A size zero ♪ ♪ Don’t understand why Y’all won’t just listen to me ♪ ♪ You dumbass bitch I am just trying to give you my money ♪ ♪ Take my money, take, take my money Make it easy on me ♪ ♪ Take my money, take, take my money Just make a size 14, okay ♪ ♪ Take my money, take, take my money A lot of fat people have money ♪ ♪ So, take my money, please ♪ ♪ Can’t figure out how many hours I have logged ♪ ♪ Sobbing in dressing rooms And fighting with my mom ♪ ♪ I don’t have time to grab Thirteen pairs of jeans ♪ ♪ Jeans are a myth They are a fraud ♪ ♪ They are not relaxing ♪ ♪ Tell me, have you ever felt at ease In a pair of jeans? ♪ ♪ They are so stiff They’re an invention of the patriarchy ♪ ♪ I know in the ’50s it was empowering To be like, “We’re wearing men’s pants” ♪ ♪ But now they make women’s jeans so tight I can’t sit upright ♪ ♪ Don’t get me started On boyfriend jeans ♪ ♪ I’ve never been Thinner than any man that I have dated ♪ ♪ I like a skeleton man It must be a subconscious thing ♪ ♪ Like if I fuck this skinny guy I won’t have a chubby daughter ♪ ♪ That I’ll have to fight with In the dressing room ♪ ♪ Shout out to Urban Outfitters I mostly cry at Urban Outfitters ♪ ♪ Why do they make All their clothes so tiny? ♪ ♪ I love their stuff ♪ ♪ I really, really love their stuff ♪ ♪ And I wish they would make it bigger Now make it bigger so I could wear it ♪ ♪ Take my money, take, take my money Make it easy on me ♪ ♪ Take my money, take, take my money Just make a size 14, okay ♪ ♪ Take my money, take, take my money ♪ [scatting] ♪ Money ♪ ♪ So take my money please ♪ Bridge! ♪ Tell me, have you ever seen An old painting? ♪ ♪ The skinny girl’s milking a cow The fat girl is just laying ♪ ♪ Because, before, the richer the person The bigger they are ♪ ♪ But even today, don’t you know Fat people still have credit cards ♪ ♪ Take my money, make it easy on me ♪ ♪ Take my money, take my money Make a size 14 ♪ Mosh pit me. ♪ Take my money, take ♪ Mosh me. ♪ Take my money ♪ Mosh me. ♪ Take my money please ♪ Mosh pit me. ♪ Because when I was younger I was traumatized trying to find jeans ♪ ♪ That were the right size ♪ ♪ If they fit around my waist They were way too long ♪ ♪ I’d have to call my mom Have her bring me along to the tailor ♪ ♪ I’d say cut ’em off Make ’em short enough for me ♪ ♪ She’d go, “No, no, no. Just roll ’em up What if you grow?” ♪ ♪ I’d say, “I don’t want to know What happens if I grow” ♪ ♪ ‘Cause if I wear my jeans like that All the girls at school will go ♪ ♪ “Why are your jeans rolled up You fat, fucking stupid bitch?” ♪ They won’t say that, but they’ll mean that. You know what I mean? ♪ And now whenever I see A little girl on the street ♪ ♪ I want to cry ♪ ♪ I’m like, “Oh, my God You have no idea how bad it gets” ♪ ♪ So, I put that shit out of my head ♪ ♪ But sometimes I’ll be walking On the street in New York City ♪ I’ll see a person. I’ll say, “Oh, my God. Is that person okay?” “Is that person okay?” “That person’s so small.” My friend will turn to me and say, “That’s a kid. That’s all.” “That’s a kid. A lot of people have them.” And if you thought about something other than yourself ♪ For five fucking seconds Maybe you’d know that ♪ ♪ That you could Have a whole entire life ♪ ♪ If you just stopped Constantly thinking about your size ♪ ♪ But I said, “Society made me this way And I’ll never change” ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m tired ♪ ♪ Society made me this way And I don’t want to change ♪ ♪ ‘Cause it’s hard to change That’s what I’ve learned ♪ ♪ So I’ll blame my problems On someone else ♪ ♪ Which is cool and healthy And really good to do ♪ ♪ So take my money, won’t you? ♪ [applause and cheering] [Catherine laughs] Whenever I tell people I want to lose weight, they’re like, “You should go to the gym.” I’m like, “I know.” For sure. [chuckles] But whenever I go to the gym and I see people with abs, it’s like, “Why are you still here?” “You did it.” Like, “Get a hobby… for once.” I don’t know. I just… I know working out is good for mental health. I do suffer from depression, or as I like to call it, “Crying because outside smells like the past.” I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad. Boop. But when I go to the gym, I just cannot connect with those people. If you’re someone who uses and cleans a blender every day, it’s like, “What’s really going on?” [audience laughs] What’s going on? [playing piano] If you’re someone who signs up for, like, “mud fuck run.” Or it’s like, “We run for a month.” “And you never come home.” It’s like, “What is that?” I just worry about you. And so… I’m gonna sing this song for you. ♪ I see you on the West Side Highway ♪ ♪ In your Lululemons ♪ ♪ It’s harrowing That you were born in 1997 ♪ ♪ It seems to me like You really have it all going on ♪ ♪ So why’d you post on Facebook That you’re running a marathon? ♪ ♪ Why do you think we all want to know? ♪ Oh. ♪ What are you running from? What are you running from? ♪ ♪ What are you running from? ♪ ♪ Running a marathon Is clinically insane ♪ ♪ What are you running from? ♪ [smacks lips] ♪ What are you running from? ♪ ♪ Have you tried just telling your friend That you’re sad instead? ♪ ♪ I like a gentle jog too, yeah It helps to shake things loose ♪ ♪ When I jog I feel like I could Almost shit like I’m a normal girl ♪ ♪ But when you tell me That you’re running 26.2 ♪ ♪ It makes me think that you’re burying Years of inherited trauma ♪ ♪ Why do you think we all want to know? ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ What are you running from? What are you running from? ♪ ♪ What are you running from? ♪ ♪ Running a marathon Is clinically insane ♪ ♪ What are you running from, seriously? ♪ ♪ What are you running from? ♪ ♪ Have you tried just breaking up With that finance guy instead? ♪ ♪ I like a finance dude, too, yes ♪ ♪ Slept with one or two, too ♪ ♪ One time I fucked one who had a jersey With his own name on it on his wall ♪ ♪ And when I turned around He took the condom off ♪ ♪ And when I turned back around I was like, “Wait, what?” ♪ ♪ And he was like, “Wait, what?” ♪ ♪ And I was like, “I saw what you did” ♪ ♪ And then he called me a bitch ♪ ♪ I was like, “I need money for the morning after pill” ♪ ♪ And he threw forty dollars cash at me ♪ ♪ And that was actually the first weekend I ever lived in New York City ♪ ♪ What are you running… What are you running from? ♪ ♪ Running a marathon is clinically insane What could you be running from? ♪ ♪ What could you Possibly be running from? ♪ ♪ Have you tried Just going for a little walk? ♪ ♪ Or eating one of the little Boozy milkshakes? ♪ ♪ Double the fun Why don’t you go to one of those places ♪ ♪ Where they scrape Parmesan cheese Out of the big wheel? ♪ ♪ Put that online, baby Oh, yeah, fill the void ♪ [cheering and applause] At this point in the show, I know you’re thinking, “Okay. So, she’s beautiful and talented.” “There’s no way that there’s anything up here.” But I’m actually a brilliant poet and writer. And so I’m gonna share some of my poetry. Uh, could you give us a little mood music? I think that would be good. [plays piano] Oh, my God. Wow. [audience laughs] Takes me back. [laughs] Sorry. I just thought of something, but it’s for a different show. [audience laughs] Hmm. [sighs] “A poem I wrote last night when I couldn’t go to sleep, because there are no sheets on my bed because I perioded on my other sheets and cannot be bothered to put new ones on.” “I’m sorry I didn’t text you back about borrowing my adult sized tutu for your sketch comedy show.” “I was on the L train trying to recall how I knew the guy sitting across from me.” “Turns out it was from sex. Thank you so much.” So this next poem… [audience laughs] This is called “Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad at me for thinking everyone’s mad at me.” “I just found out ‘dog’ isn’t short for something.” “It’s actually just called a dog, which is fine with me.” “I’m in the kitchen, alone. Which is romantic in a way.” “Anything can be romantic if you sigh a lot.” “One time, I told this guy I loved him.” He said, “I don’t know what love is.” “Anyway, he just got engaged.” Thank you. [audience laughs] “Poem I wrote after I masturbated while wearing AirPods.” It could happen to you, so be vigilant. “Sometimes, being an adult means washing your hair.” “Sometimes, the only way to know if a guy is definitely straight is if he Instagrams a building.” “Sometimes I feel like if I look at my phone, I will die or worse, not die.” “It’s insane when you ask someone to give you space and then they do.” Thank you. This next poem is called “A poem I wrote after you told me your ex is ‘actually really cool.'” “A guy on the street said I looked like I was studying audio engineering in school.” [audience laughs] “He told me he liked my outfit. He told me to have a ‘cool day.'” “I’m googling how long a stroke lasts.” Thank you. “Poem I wrote after you went down on me and then called me ‘dude.'” [audience laughs] “I have a disease where I never want to get out of the Uber.” “Because then it means I have to be somewhere.” “For years I’ve been suffering from a serious addiction to Adam Driver and Jason Schwartzman, even.” “Maybe my crush hasn’t texted because I’m out of town.” “But then again, I never told him I was going out of town.” [audience laughs] “I’m always horny and looking for somewhere to charge my phone.” “The Paris Review came in the mail today and I performed reading it.” “I can’t write if no one is watching.” “I can’t stop checking my pussy for weird bumps.” “One time I went to the doctor and when she told me I gained fifteen pounds, I was like, ‘That’s a lot.’ And she was just like, ‘Yeah.'” Thank you. [applause and cheering] I love sex because it famously has no consequences. [audience laughs] I was recently at the Newark Airport. Brag. And I saw a headline on a magazine. Vintage. And it read, “Couple fucks themselves off side of cliff.” Where were you? When you found out? How you were going to die? Because for me, I was like, “Oh, that’s an option.” [audience laughs] I love fuck. I have some sexual fantasies I want to share with you all. My first sexual fantasy is that I’m in a mahogany room. Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases. And I’m sitting in a velvet wingback chair. And I put my ring finger to my temple and I just say, “Ugh. I worry. I do.” [audience laughs] And then my other sexual fantasy is that he makes me cum, damn it. Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask? Honey, I’m looking for a guy tall enough that I don’t have to get on my knees when I want to blow him. That’s right. I want to stand up, dick should be here. [audience laughs] I hooked up with… [chuckles] I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar because I’m brave, and he was like, “I actually biked to this bar. I can bike us back to my place.” “You can ride on my pegs.” And I was like, [in British accent] “Absolutely not.” [smacks lips] [audience laughs] [in normal voice] He was like, “No. it’s okay. It can hold 120 pounds.” And I was like, “Okay, you don’t know what math is. You are my type.” [audience laughs] I just feel like it’s like every chubby girl’s nightmare to be carried in a playful way. Like, I’m pretty sure when I was born, the nurse, like, picked me up and handed me to my mom, and I was like, “It’s okay. You can put me down.” [audience laughs] It’s sad. After I slept with him, I woke up with a, say it with me, bump on my pussy. Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j’adore. And I was like, “Great. I need to reach out to my gynecologist about this.” So, I had to access her through, say it with me, The Portal. [audience laughs] I’m s… Why are doctors absolutely, clinically addicted to making you enter through a portal? It’s like… “I’m here.” It’s like, “Can I just get an email or…” They want you to be like… [audience laughs] They want you to be full Narnia vibes to talk to them about your broken pussy. A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it? Okay. I don’t… I hate sci-fi. There’s enough… There’s enough stuff here… that’s really interesting. We don’t have to… We don’t have to… I don’t need anything with wings. Bitch, I have ’em. Oh, my God. So, I was like, “I need to take a picture of this to send to my gynecologist.” So, I went into my studio, which is obviously an empty room with a full-size mattress on the floor. And I took out my camera, which is obviously an iPhone rose gold Plus with a cracked screen, ’cause I’m fun. Spread my lips and I took an image. I wish that were the end of the story. I’m going to do a lap. When I looked at that image, um… Are you okay to hear this? Ally. [audience laughs] Feminist ally. When I looked at the image, it was one of the most harrowing things I’ve ever seen. One, I used flash. Rookie mistake. Two, I didn’t understand the reach of my camera. So, when I looked at the picture, I didn’t only see my spread pussy lips, which I expected. But, in the background, I saw what can only be described as my dead-eyed face. [audience laughs] No expression. Just a corpse’s head, really. So, I had to crop that out for legal reasons. And when I sent it to my gyne, she was like, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” I know there’s a long history of doctors not believing women, but in my case, doctors shouldn’t believe me because I’m what many medical professionals have called a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans. [audience laughs] But it was stressful. Oh, my God. And the thing about stress is that when you’re stressed in New York City, there’s only one place to go. [playing piano] ♪ Upstate, Upstate Maybe everything will change ♪ ♪ Upstate, Upstate If I go for two days ♪ [audience laughs] ♪ Upstate, Upstate Think of the Instagrams I’ll take ♪ ♪ Think of the four pages Of a novel I’ll read ♪ ♪ Think of all the trees ♪ Oh! Ooh, look at all the trees, I’m worldbuilding. Look at all those trees. Wow. ♪ I do think trees are medicinal ♪ ♪ The Japanese have this principle Called a “forest bath” ♪ ♪ The idea being that ♪ ♪ You’re cleansed By walking through nature ♪ ♪ But instead I live in New York City ♪ ♪ Which is an amusement park from hell ♪ ♪ If you’re an adult who likes Disney Well… ♪ [mutters] ♪ Get help ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ [chuckles] ♪ Baby, please, ooh It’s just not my thing ♪ ♪ Sorry, it’s fucking creepy Ha-ha ♪ ♪ Upstate, Upstate, ooh ♪ ♪ I can draft tweets by a lake ♪ ♪ Sipping coffee a bit farther ♪ ♪ From where I normally sip coffee ♪ ♪ This is how you make Your problems disappear ♪ ♪ Ask anyone, the best way To make your problems go away ♪ ♪ Is to go just three miles away From where you normally are ♪ ♪ It always works I fucking love it ♪ ♪ Upstate, Upstate, ooh ♪ ♪ There’s a diner Where you can eat a egg ♪ ♪ Look outside the window At the changing of the seasons ♪ ♪ So, fuck, why am I crying for no reason Fuck ♪ ♪ Apples ♪ ♪ Have you heard about apples? ♪ ♪ I’m going apple-picking With thirteen of my closest friends ♪ ♪ And six of their sexual partners ♪ ♪ Apples Well, maybe if I touch an apple ♪ ♪ All my problems will fade And fall like autumnal foliage ♪ ♪ You know, one time in college ♪ ♪ I went apple-picking with a boyfriend ♪ He was so tall. ♪ He recently told me not to contact him ♪ ♪ He has a new girlfriend now She wears high heels ♪ ♪ And takes pictures of tortellini ♪ ♪ I respect her, I laud her ♪ ♪ I respect her She has good taste in men ♪ ♪ Did I mention he was tall? ♪ Help. Help. Spin. Fuck! ♪ Instead of Upstate, I think ♪ ♪ What I really need is to live in a box Where I can’t touch my cell phone ♪ ♪ Unless I stick my hand Through a trapdoor ♪ ♪ That buzzes when I touch it ♪ ♪ Fuck, I’ll develop, yes ♪ ♪ A Pavlovian response To touching my cell phone ♪ ♪ I’ll be healed Isn’t it funny? ♪ ♪ And when I say “funny” I mean deeply sad ♪ ♪ That I’m addicted to my cell phone Cell phone ♪ ♪ Does anyone still call it a cell phone? It’s really just a phone ♪ ♪ Isn’t that interesting? God, my work is so groundbreaking ♪ ♪ Upstate, Upstate I might miss a call or respond late ♪ ♪ If someone texts me, I might actually Have a reason not to respond right away ♪ ♪ Upstate, Upstate ♪ ♪ Think of all the friends I’ll fucking hate ♪ ♪ After sharing a two-bedroom Airbnb Six or seven ways ♪ ♪ Upstate I’ll wear flannel ♪ ♪ I’ll get a boyfriend So I can go to Beacon ♪ ♪ Or Cold Spring If you have a boyfriend ♪ ♪ You’re legally allowed To go to Beacon or Cold Spring ♪ [applause and cheering] [sighs] Hide your boners, boys. I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries. Okay. Everyone’s rock-hard in the crowd. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS, or “Pecos” for cute. Boop, boop, boop. [beeping playfully] Everything online about women’s health is like, “We don’t know.” [audience laughs] I get really bad migraines with visual auras. Which means I’m inherently interesting. And when you ask a doctor, “What are migraines?” They’re all just like… So I have PCOS. Let me tell you about PCOS. It’s honestly iconic. Um… The symptoms are one, you’re fat. No, stop. Two, you are losing hair on your head, but, three, you have hair on your face, and four, you have acne. So, it’s sort of this, like, waking nightmare in which you’re both young and old at the same time. It’s like that optical illusion where the young woman’s looking away and the old woman’s looking down. [audience laughs] But in this case, it’s just you looking at yourself in the mirror thinking, “Maybe God isn’t a woman.” [audience laughs] But if she is, I want to meet her. Um, if I have to die, which I’m not super interested in, I know that, literally, on my death bed, I’ll be, like, surrounded by millions of loved ones. And in my last dying breath I’ll be like… [gasping] “Does my hair look better [sniffs] half up or full down?” [audience laughs] Those are a hundy p gonna be my last words. How I really want to die is hosting a fabulous dinner party. Twelve people. Yeah. My apartment in my fantasy you can have a table that that’s big. That’s that’s big. That’s that big. Hard to say, easy to write. Came to me like that. [audience laughs] Ooh. J’adore. I can’t… I literally don’t know a single word of French. English, I can do. Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad, ’cause I’m so interesting. And I was studying abroad and I was out clubbing with these, like, hot Italian guys. And they were like… [laughs] They were like, “Your English is really good.” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Mm-hmm.” At first I was like, “It’s the only language I speak.” But then I thought about it and I was like, “My English is really good.” [audience laughs] And what’s so bad about taking a compliment? Especially as women. Especially in this industry. We have to learn to stop apologizing and just say, “Yeah. My English is really good.” [audience laughs] So, how I want to die is I’m at this dinner party and everyone’s having their own bottle of wine, and that’s normal and fine and no one notices. And then the person next to me goes, “Oh, my God. I love that painting.” And I say, “Oh, thank you. My friend painted that.” And then later in the evening, I’m lying in bed with my lover. And he looks to me and he says, “What’s wrong?” And I say, “You know, I just…” “I feel a kind of longing that resembles sadness only in the way that mist resembles rain.” And then I expire. [audience laughs] And he’s like, “Was that a Wordsworth poem?” And I’m like, “I think it was Longfellow. Can’t remember.” From beyond. From the beyond we argue about who wrote that line. Um, goals. I am in love right now, as insane as that sounds. [audience whooping] I know. And the only way I’ll be single again is if he gets hit by a bus, which is… For some reason, I’m like, “That’s such a common way to die.” Is it? [audience laughs] Okay. Now, I’m living in fear… for the first time ever. If I have to be single again, that’d be a disaster. But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem for anyone out there who is single, who is looking for love, because I want love. Because, well, I want everything. [audience titters] [piano music playing] [mouthing] [audience laughs] ♪ Lately I feel like In that movie Love Actually ♪ ♪ When Colin Firth sits at his desk ♪ ♪ And says “Well, I’m alone again naturally” ♪ ♪ I know I’m not Supposed to like that movie ♪ ♪ I know it’s problematic, says Buzzfeed ♪ ♪ But romcoms have chemically altered The state of my brain ♪ ♪ Anyways, the point is I’m single ♪ ♪ And, hey I’m looking to, good rhyme, mingle ♪ ♪ Yeah, I’m the horniest woman in America Haven’t you heard? ♪ ♪ I want to be objectified I know that isn’t right ♪ ♪ I know I’m not supposed To say things like that ♪ ♪ Turn my feminism switch on But I want to be depraved ♪ ♪ Yeah, I want to be Your fucking sex slave ♪ ♪ Liz Phair said it best When she said ♪ ♪ “I want to fuck you like a dog” ♪ ♪ I guess that’s romance to me ♪ ♪ I think actually That’s just what I need ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ I’m not looking for that special guy ♪ ♪ I’m not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪ ♪ I just want someone in my bed Every single night ♪ ♪ Who doesn’t care ♪ ♪ If I live or die ♪ ♪ Live or die, live or die ♪ ♪ Yeah, I’m looking for that special guy ♪ ♪ Who doesn’t care If I live or die, oh ♪ ♪ If you ignore me I’ll have sex with you ♪ ♪ Abhor me, I’ll get wet for you ♪ ♪ Tell me why would I want Something that I already have ♪ ♪ My therapist says I’m erotomanic So I googled that in a panic ♪ I don’t think she knows what it means. She also told me I look like Jared Leto. Different story. ♪ Anyways, erotomania Is a rare type of schizophrenia ♪ ♪ Where you think Everyone’s in love with you ♪ ♪ And that’s not really my thing ♪ ♪ No, what I really like Is to have a $12 craft beer ♪ ♪ And fight with the person I’m actively fucking ♪ ♪ About whether or not they’re actually Sexually attracted to me ♪ ♪ God, it’s so fun to kind of Put salt in that wound, ah ♪ ♪ Last week this guy asked me If I wanted to be his girlfriend ♪ ♪ And then un-asked me four days later ♪ ♪ Now every place we kissed Is on a special list ♪ ♪ Of historic venues in New York City Because they are haunted, you see ♪ ♪ The spell that his jawline cast on me ♪ ♪ Is scarier than Any ghost I’ve ever seen ♪ ♪ Oh, God, I don’t want to die I really don’t want to die ♪ ♪ I don’t believe I’m gonna die ♪ ♪ I don’t believe My parents will die either ♪ ♪ When we talk about that, I say ♪ ♪ “Okay If either one of you guys Decides to die” ♪ ♪ “I’ll just fucking kill myself, too” ♪ ♪ They said, “Hey, what would That really accomplish?” ♪ ♪ I say, “God, I don’t know” ♪ ♪ “But sometimes you got to do something Just for the drama” ♪ ♪ I’m romantic Oh, God, I’m such a romantic ♪ ♪ I don’t mean to sound pedantic But, hey, that’s just what I need, oh ♪ ♪ I’m not looking for that special guy ♪ ♪ I’m not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪ ♪ I just want someone in my bed Every single night ♪ ♪ Who doesn’t care If I live or die ♪ ♪ Live or die, live or die ♪ ♪ Yeah, I’m looking for that special guy ♪ ♪ Who doesn’t care If I live or die ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ If you ignore me I’ll have sex with you ♪ ♪ Abhor me, I’ll get wet for you ♪ ♪ Treat me like shit I’ll be like a zit ♪ ♪ I think this is the one ♪ ♪ Recently I told this guy I’m seeing About this song I’m singing ♪ ♪ And he said, “Okay Do you want me to treat you like shit?” ♪ ♪ And I was like, “Do what you want” ♪ [moans] ♪ But if you want this to last ♪ ♪ Just let some of my texts Pass through the cracks ♪ ♪ Just keep me on a string But keep me at a distance ♪ ♪ Treat me like any… Why am I this way ♪ ♪ Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? ♪ ♪ My therapist says I ♪ ♪ Need to try to be kind ♪ Ugh. [audience laughs] ♪ “Move through kindness,” she says ♪ ♪ And I said “But that’s so fucking boring” ♪ ♪ She goes, “But it’s the only way You’re going to grow” ♪ ♪ I said, “Why would I want to grow? ♪ ♪ I spent my whole life trying to be smaller” ♪ ♪ I remember I was five ♪ ♪ I was taking a bath With my aunt by my side ♪ ♪ I said, “God, I love to come home From school” ♪ ♪ “‘Cause I can finally Let my stomach out” ♪ ♪ Oh, my God, that’s sad That’s so fucking sad ♪ ♪ This world is so bad But I’m addicted to it ♪ ♪ Hey, I want to fall in love And that’s just because the movies ♪ ♪ But now I know what I really need, oh ♪ ♪ I’m not looking for that special guy ♪ ♪ I’m not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪ ♪ I just want someone in my bed Every single night ♪ ♪ Who doesn’t care ♪ [gasps] ♪ If I live or die ♪ [audience cheering, applauding] Thank you. Good night. [lively piano music playing] Whoo! ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So now I do comedy ♪ ♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪ ♪ So I need all of you to look at me ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me ♪ ♪ Please, please, please ♪ ♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh ♪ [piano music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mike Epps: Don’t Take It Personal (2015) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-dont-take-it-personal-transcript/

[upbeat piano playing] [piano crescendos] [indistinct radio chatter] Ladies and gentlemen, I’m DJ Brandi Garcia. Give it up for Miss Chloe Flower on the piano. Now, LA, everyone, get up on your feet. Give it up for the baddest man in comedy, Mike Epps! [piano playing resumes] [hip-hop beat playing] What’s up, LA? ♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪ ♪ Where the weed at? Where the weed at? Where the weed at? ♪ ♪ Throw it up here, throw it up here Throw it up here, throw it up here ♪ ♪ Where the sexy ladies at? ♪ [cheering loudly] ♪ Ho! Where the big girls at? ♪ [scattered cheering] [music stops suddenly] No, there’s more fat b*tches in here than that. I seen a whole bunch of fat b*tches walk in here on their toes, like this. That’s how them fat girls walk, like, yeah… Sometimes, they put a skip on it, like that. What’s up, LA? [all cheering] Where the weed at? I ain’t bullshitting. Where that weed at? That’s how I get my dope at the shows. Throw it up here. Last night, a n*gga threw an eight-ball of cocaine on the stage. And I kept that, too. I said, “Shit.” [chuckles] We got all kinds of ages in here tonight. You know what I’m saying? Let’s see who’s in the house. 1960 babies? 1960 babies? ♪ It’s about y’all bedtime ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ I said, a n*gga smell Icy Hot ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ On this side, say “Blue Cross, Blue Shield.” Where the ’70 babies at? ’70 babies? You pregnant at the same time your daughter is, b*tch. Where the ’80 babies at? ’80 babies? ’80 babies? ’80 babies! Whoo! You crackhead motherfuckers! This y’all mommy and daddy right here, look. [audience laughing] Where the ’90 babies at? ’90? [audience cheering] Y’all can’t fuck, fight, read, cook, clean. Y’all ain’t shit. All y’all know how to do is show your pussy on Instagram. Y’all didn’t get no ass-whooping. That’s what’s wrong with you. You didn’t get your ass whooped like you supposed to had. That’s why all our self-esteems is low, ’cause that law wasn’t out. Your mama was beating on you like a real n*gga. Hitting you in your back with their fist like this. Ahh! “N*gga, I kill you, hear?” My mama done told me, “N*gga, I will kill you!” I said, “B*tch, I believe it. The way you just said.” [exclaims] That’s what’s wrong with y’all. You remember them ass-whoopings. You sleep like a baby after your mama whoop your ass. That’s some of the best rest you ever gonna get. [chuckles] Yeah, you sleep like a motherfucker in there. You be layin’ in the bed and shit… Yeah, you in the bed, crying like a mother– [sobbing] “I didn’t… I didn’t even… do nothing to…” She on the phone, tellin’ everybody, “I fucked him up. Girl, I tried to kill that n*gga. He look like his daddy, Robert Earl. That’s what made me jump on him the way I did. I tried to kill him, girl.” When you wake up, it’d be nighttime. Your mama done whooped a whole day out your ass. You wake up going… [sobbing] “Mama… Fat-ass b*tch! Fuck!” That’s when your brother come in the room fucking with you. “Whoo-wee. Tore your ass up, didn’t she?” “You better get out of here, little b*tch, and leave me alone.” Yeah. I grew up real poor, you know what I mean? From the hood, you know? I ain’t got no room to be modest. It’s time for me to shine. [audience cheering] If you got some good pussy, and you know it, clap your hand! Yeah, right. Some of you b*tches lying like a motherfucker. Some of y’all’s pussy ain’t been good since junior high. I see a couple n*ggas in here with white girls. You didn’t pay to get in. Yeah, you see a n*gga with a white girl at the bank, the n*gga’s in the car. The white girl at the machine talking ’bout, “How much?” “B*tch, all the money out of there. Get all the money out of there.” [chortling] You can borrow money from a white girl and don’t never give it back. “This is the last $40, Tyrone. You’re taking advantage of me and my mom is starting to notice it!” “I don’t give a fuck what your mama’s starting to notice. She wanna give me some of that pussy on the low.” You borrow some money from a black girl, she gonna threaten your ass before she give it to you. “Let me tell you something about my money, motherfucker, before I give it to you. I works too hard for my shit. And I’ll kill a motherfucker…” You’ll be like, “I don’t even want it, here. You done threatened a motherfucker, here. Take this $7 back, b*tch. You one of the pettiest b*tches I know!” There’s all kinds of pimps and players out here tonight. I seen a n*gga walking in here with a hip replacement. N*gga, like, “Yeah…” [audience laughing] Would you let a n*gga fuck you that walk like this? “Sharon! Sharon! Sharon!” I’m getting old than a motherfucker, I can tell. ‘Cause when I say something to the young b*tches, they be like, “Hey, Uncle Mike.” “I’m not your uncle, little young b*tch. I want to fuck ya.” [laughing] “I wanna do something strange for a little piece of change.” I can tell I’m getting old now, ’cause I’ll be sitting at the bar, a lot of older women are starting to approach me. I’ll be sitting at the bar, all of a sudden, I hear, “Hello, Michael. My name is Mildred, Michael.” “Mildred?” “Would you like a cold glass of red wine, Michael?” I said, “No, I’d like you to get your goatee off my neck, Mildred.” Morgan Freeman-looking-ass-b*tch sneaking up behind me. When you fuckin’ them young girls, they want some money. “Give me some money.” “Nope.” “Give me some… Don’t touch me. Give me some money. You still gonna do what you said you gonna do, OG?” When you fuckin’ them young girls, you gotta take a half a pill of that Cialis and a Red Bull and beat that young cat up. That’s how it sounds when you beat that young cat up… [imitates cat screeching] ‘Cause when you fucking them cougars, that sound like… [imitates cougar screeching] “Young man, young man, young man! All right… [exclaiming] You’re all in my guts, young man.” They warm your food up and shit, everything. “I got the Salisbury steak, mashed potato, green beans, with a little broccoli in it.” Yeah, it’s getting crazy out here. A lot of you b*tches is out of season tonight. Yeah, some b*tches got some shit on y’all supposed to have in June on. It’s colder than a motherfucker out here. That’s them good-pussy walkin’ b*tches. B*tches walking in here, like, “Yeah.” That’s a good-pussy walk, ain’t it? “Man, I bet that pussy good, right there.” [Mike chuckles] I see all you fellas covered up, make Mama happy. That’s right. Happy wife, happy life. Make Mama happy. If you wanna be happy in the house… ‘Cause you fuck around and make Mama mad, the whole house is sad. Yeah, the kids ain’t talkin’ to you. “You a mean daddy.” “Fuck you. You ain’t got nothing to do with this.” You fuck around, make Mama mad, the whole house is sad. Yeah, women know how to shut the whole house down. Ain’t no food being cooked. Ain’t no pussy being given. None of that. The whole family is in one bedroom. They bringing food from the kitchen in the bedroom, like… I’ve been smokin’ that motherfuckin’ weed, shit. I was smoking with a n*gga the other day and dropped it. N*gga picked it up and hit it on the way up. N*gga said, “Here you go, man.” [inhaling] “You dropped your shit.” [exhaling] I said, “N*gga, who the hell… You gonna reward yourself?” [laughs] All these beautiful ladies in here. That’s right, fellas. Treat the ladies right. Y’all smellin’ good in here, too. There’re some boogerwoofs, too, now. Don’t get it… It ain’t all beautiful b*tches in here. Three of ’em got backstage. They was like, “What you doin’ after this?” I said, “Going to bed. I’m not fuckin’ none of y’all.” Three of them b*tches from The Lord of the Rings snuck in the back. “Michael! Get me the ring, Michael.” [chuckles] Yeah, you get into an argument with your girl… Them arguments are… They are pinnacle in a relationship. You get into an argument with your girl, y’all say some shit to each other y’all couldn’t believe each other said about each other. In the middle of the argument, your girl will be like, “For real?” “Yeah, for real, b*tch! You look like a hobbit.” And women know how to say some shit to fuck our ego up. “Little-dick motherfucker! Get your dick game right.” Sometimes they clap. “Get your dick game right.” Yeah, we cuss your ass out, we want to talk the next day. Yeah, women’ll make your ass suffer. “You done called me all kind of b*tches. I ain’t talking to your ass for a while.” We want to talk the next day and act like nothin’ happened. But y’all won’t answer the fucking phone. But we keep calling. Fuck it. “I’m gonna fuckin’ keep calling, b*tch, ’cause I got something to say. You wouldn’t let me finish. When we was arguing, I had three more ‘shits’ to say to you. Let me get that off.” And you finally start leaving messages after three days. [imitates voicemail beep] “That was fucked up, what you did Friday. You fuckin’ crazy!” Second day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep] “I don’t know where you at… but just let me know you all right. I don’t wanna talk to you, either.” Third day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep] “You see Love and Hip Hop last night? Then I watched Empire. You see Cookie on Empire?” [laughs] Fourth day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep] “Hey, look, I prayed on this last night. We cannot do this without God. That’s what’s fuckin’ our relationship. We ain’t got no spirituality in it. Call me back, now. Oh, yeah, and I’m going to get help, too. I talked to the lady this morning. I want you to go with me. Call me back. I love you. Bye.” Fifth day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep] “Fuck you then, b*tch! You wanna act like a n*gga did something that motherfuckin’ bad? Fuck you! ‘Cause I know what I am to this relationship. Call me back, now! Or I’m gonna kill myself, b*tch. This is not a game.” N*gga shoot the gun in the sky and drop the phone. [imitates gun firing] [audience laughing] But then the motherfucking phone ring. [imitates phone ringing] “Oh, man, she callin’ back!” But you supposed to be dead. That’s when you call her mama. You ever called a b*tch’s mama? “I’m gonna tell her mama what she’s doing.” Like her mama gonna agree with your ass. [imitates phone ringing] “Hello.” “How you doin’, Ms. Jane?” “Well, well, well. If it ain’t Ike Turner in here. Actin’ the fool.” “I guess you heard what happened.” “Yeah, she said she sick of your shit. You didn’t… Yeah, she is sick and tired of it. She said that you won’t let her go nowhere. She said that you are abusive. She said that– Shut up and let me finish saying what I’m gonna say to you. She said that you said you gonna kill all her friends.” “Did she tell you what she said to me, Ms. Jane?” “What?” “She said I had a little dick.” “Well, do you? Shit. Motherfucker? She said you not workin’. That’s the main one of ’em. You are not workin’.” Yeah, it’s fucked up, man. It’s crazy. You know what I’m sayin’? And don’t hit no woman, boy. You goin’ to jail. That’s right. Don’t hit no woman, boy. You goin’ to jail. Yeah, ’cause they got… They layin’ in the bed with their thumb on speed dial on your ass. “I ain’t gotta put up with this shit, n*gga.” [imitates speed dial] “Hello?” But they got a new law now. Whoever get to the phone first, the other one’s going to jail. You ought to see the n*ggas on the phone. “My name is Tony Johnson, my wife…” N*gga running down the street with pajamas on. “My wife… My wife just hit me in the eye. I’m at 4131 North Park. I’ve been to prison three times. She got a C-section scar right down her stomach.” [Mike laughing] Yeah, ’cause the police get there and always separate y’all and shit. “Shut up. Don’t say nothin’. Shut up. Don’t say nothin’ to her.” Now, y’all over here looking at each other way across the street. “What the fuck you call the police for?” “‘Cause, n*gga, you said you was gonna kill me.” “I always say I’m gonna kill you. Have I ever killed you?” A lot of young girls are dealing with old men now. You’re dealing with old sugar daddies. Who’s sitting in here with Mr. Charles right now? Who’s sitting in here with Mr. Ernest right now? I see all them minivans outside and them Cadillacs, and them Chrysler New Yorkers. Who’s sitting with Mr. Ernest right now? That’s how you got your ticket. Some old man done bought your ticket. He’d been tellin’ people for weeks he gonna bring you here. “Yep, I’m gonna take her down there to the, uh…” [muttering] “What the hell? I’m gonna take her down there to the, uh… to the Orpheum this weekend. I think, uh, Mike Epps is supposed to be down there. But, er, um…” They don’t have no underwear on. Balls and change, all that be… “But, er, um…” Them old men get mad when they’ve been paying your bills, you don’t give ’em no pussy. “I need to talk to you for a minute. I need to talk to you for a minute, Sylvia. Shut up, you gonna listen to me. I listen to you, you gonna listen to me.” They be tryin’ to keep their false teeth in their mouth. “I listen to you, you gonna listen to me. Now, I come over here the other day and gave you $100. Not a hundred, but $100. And every time I go to touch on you, it’s a problem, see, b*tch? I’m gonna learn you tonight. I’m gonna learn you.” ‘Cause you don’t know who your mama gave some pussy to when you live in the hood. You don’t know who your mama gave some pussy to. You walkin’ out the grocery store, and some old n*gga walk up, talkin’ about, “How’s your mother doin’, little brother?” “Who the fuck are you?” “Tell her Sea Monster said hello, all right?” N*gga get mad and go home. Mad as hell. “Are you fucking Sea Monster, Mama?” “That’s how I got y’all school clothes this year. I’ll fuck him again if I have to.” [laughing] Little boys don’t like when you’re fuckin’ their mama. “Where’s your mother at?” “She ain’t here!” “Where’s your motherfuckin’ mother at, man?” Our fathers come pick us up. We had four daddies in our family. I got some brothers that don’t even look like me. Every Friday, our fathers come pick us up, there’d be four cars sitting in front of the house. Everybody waitin’ on their son. Look like a cab stand outside. [audience laughing] [imitates car door closing] One time, I jumped in the wrong daddy’s car. I said, “This raggedy motherfucker, this is not my daddy.” ‘Cause that’s how the car took off. [imitates car revving loudly] You can hear them raggedy cars way down the street. [imitates revving] The floor be out. You could see the street movin’ in the motherfucker. My fucking kids think I’m… [chuckles] I guess, ’cause I’m a comedian, they think they can play with me. Yeah, some of them don’t take me serious. My one little daughter talkin’ about, “What’s up, Day-day?” I was like, “What the fuck you just say to me? Call me Day-day again. I’ll kick that Pamper off your ass.” Yeah, I got some ugly-ass baby mamas, man. [audience exclaiming] Yeah, I do. I ain’t always been famous. [audience laughing] My past is haunting me right now. The bigger I get, the more my past come back. I got ugly baby mamas. Google “Mike Epps’ baby mama” when you leave here tonight. I ain’t gotta fuckin’ lie. And watch Bobby Brown pop up in the picture. Where the stepfathers at in here tonight? [very faint cheering] Look, they don’t even wanna be known. “Fuck her and her kids, man.” When a man meet a woman, when he first meet her, he be so happy, he be bragging on the b*tch’s kids. “Yep, and that little boy right there, he is going to NFL. That little girl gets straight A’s.” Talk to him about a year later. “Yeah, man, I ain’t– Hold up for a minute. Shut the fucking door! I hate this b*tch’s kids, man. I really do.” Yeah, ’cause kids pick their mama’s fucking boyfriends. “I don’t like him, Mama.” “Did I ask you who you like?” You know. Especially, they don’t like a motherfucker that don’t bring no money in the house. That’s who they fuckin’ really don’t like. And it be the little girl in the family. “He don’t even work, Mama.” They be monitoring the food you eatin’ and shit. You in there eating a snack. The little boy come in there. “My mother bought them for our lunch. Mama, Melvin in there eatin’ our snacks, man.” That’s when she come in there. “Melvin, don’t eat their stuff. I bought that for their field trip. Don’t eat their food.” That’s when the little boy go crazy. [yelling] “That’s his third Capri Sun! That’s his third one, Mama!” “Man, n*gga gonna trip over me about a pouch of juice, little n*gga? I’m fucking your mama, man.” Obama got daughters. This is hard for him. Shit. Yeah, shit. At the White House, them little dudes is calling the White House, now. Sasha and Malia, they growin’ up at the White House. They callin’ the White House. [imitates phone ringing] Obama answers the phone. “Hello?” “Yeah, let me speak to Sasha.” “Who is this?” “Yeah, tell her a n*gga named Slick is calling her right now.” “I beg your pardon. What did you just say?” “I said, ‘Tell her a n*gga named Slick is calling her.'” “She’s doin’ her homework, Slick.” “Yeah, a’ight, well, tell her a n*gga called then.” “Slick? Slick? Don’t hang up. Slick. Shut… Shut the door. Shut the… Slick?” “Yeah.” “B*tch-ass n*gga, I’ll fuck you up. Where you at? I will fuck you up!” Clinton in the background, “Don’t let ’em take you out your game, baby. They tryin’ to take you out your game.” [laughing] I’m a n*gga just like y’all. I got lucky and got in show business. I got three baby mamas, four felonies. Didn’t graduate from high school, grew up poor on the motherfuckin’ food stamps. Yeah, we grew up on food stamps. Yeah, you remember them food stamps. But sometimes your mama would sell ’em to get her hair done. “I’m gonna get my hair done this month. I ain’t gonna fall like that. Y’all ain’t gonna do me like that this month.” She sell some of the food stamps, we’d be hungry that last week. “Something ain’t panning out. Your hair look good, but we hungrier than a motherfucker these last four days.” Sometimes, the mailman be late with the food stamps. My mother’d go tell, “Go look for him. Go find the mailman.” [chuckles] I’d be on that bicycle, riding like a motherfucker, looking for him. My brother’d be on the handle bars like this. I tried to sell cocaine, man. I ain’t bullshitting, I did. I tried to sell it, but I was an unsuccessful thug. A n*gga fronted me a kilo one time, I ain’t know how to get rid of it. I didn’t know who to sell it to. I went to my auntie and said, “You know anybody who do dope?” ‘Cause you know, if you give a n*gga an eight-ball, he gonna turn it into what? A quarter ounce. The quarter ounce gonna turn into what? A half ounce. The half gonna turn into a whole ounce. The whole ounce gonna turn into two. The two gonna turn into four. Now, the four gonna turn into more. You got a quarter key. You got nine ounces. What’s that nine gonna turn into? Eighteen. Eighteen gonna turn into what? Thirty-six… Look at the drug-dealer n*ggas in here. N*gga said, “Thirty-six.” I tried to sell cocaine in the ’90s… when n*ggas was on the corner with the dope under their motherfucking mouths like this… [muffled] “Them police round here like a motherfucker. I’m swallowing this shit, police ride up on me, n*gga. [muttering incomprehensibly] I ain’t got nothing. As soon as they roll up, I’m swallowing this shit.” You remember n*ggas sold cocaine in the ’90s? They’d bring white people in the neighborhood. [chuckles] But they’d tell the white people, “Stay in the car. I’m gonna go over there and get it for you. Stay in the car. Don’t talk to nobody.” It’d be a white couple sitting in the car, sweating. “All right, go ahead.” That’s when the n*gga go in the projects. N*gga walk in the projects. “All right, look. I got the white people sitting in the car around the corner, okay? They got $150. They want to spend it. They want an eight-ball right now. But they got the money. They spending all weekend. Okay, now put it… Okay, now do something for me now. Now give me something. Do something for me now. Shit. I done risked my life out there. Do something for me now. Show me something.” [laughs] About an hour later, here come the n*gga again. “Okay, they ready again. Okay, they got a ten-speed, $200 and a… and a cable box. They ready.” Later on that night, here come the white people by theyself. [chuckling] “Has anybody seen Swift around here anywhere?” A n*gga named Swift… done swiftly took your shit from you. [laughs] Yeah, it’s a lot of n*ggas in here. Y’all better watch the police. Shit. ‘Cause the police’ll put a hurtin’ on your ass, Jack. No, for real. And white people be talking about, “Those n*ggers are resisting arrest.” How the fuck a n*gga resisting arrest? Fuck that. You don’t even see the police. You just be riding and one n*gga say, “You know the police behind us?” That’s when you find out who’s going to jail. When your buddy say, “Man, you know I ain’t go to court that time.” “Well, you goin’ in the morning, n*gga, if they pull us over.” The n*gga in the back seat, “I got some pills in my pocket.” “You better eat ’em, motherfucker. You better not leave nary a Fruity Pebble in my back seat.” And jail’s the wrong place to be on ecstasy at, ain’t it? You in there in the cell, sweating and horny as hell. [audience laughing] Your fucking head fall off your shit. [chuckles] And when you go to jail, ain’t nobody did nothing in jail. [chuckles] You go to jail, everybody in there innocent. “Man, they got me on some bullshit.” Well, somebody did something in this motherfucker. [laughs] [mutters] N*gga get pulled over, n*gga act like he didn’t know his license was suspended. “Did you know your–“ “When?” “N*gga, ten years ago we suspended your shit.” [chuckles] Put the head back on it. Mexicans ain’t got no license, registration, nothing. Police pull them over, “License and registration.” “Yes.” “Do you have a license and registration?” “Yes.” “Step out the car.” “No, no, no.” [smacks microphone] “Get out the fuckin’ car.” And white people get out of the car when the police get out. [imitates doors closing] “You want to tell me why the fuck you just pulled me over back there? Get your fuckin’ hands off me! Don’t fuckin’ touch me like that! Get in the car, Rebecca. Don’t put your fuckin’ hands on me. I don’t give a fuck!” That’s the booger move right there. You ever see a n*gga in your car doing that? N*gga like… How many of y’all ever wiped a booger on your friend’s car seat? Don’t lie, motherfuckers. “Fuck that, I’m putting the booger on a n*gga’s seat. Ain’t no napkins or nothing in here.” I see a whole lot of motherfuckers I know in here, shit. I love motherfucking Los Angeles. This is a great city right here, man. [audience cheering] Ladies, y’all need to start sharing that pussy. It ain’t yours all the time. Yeah, God gave you that pussy to give to us sometime. That ain’t your pussy all the time. You think ’cause it’s with you all the time that it’s yours all the time. And it’s not. Share that. They get mad, you know. Women get mad when you ask for the pussy, especially if you been together for long. “We still gonna do it?” “Not if you ask me again, we ain’t. That’s the shit that bother me right there, don’t… That irritates me. Don’t ask me for no pussy. Just let it happen, let it… Let it flow. Let the pussy come to you.” “That pussy ain’t never came to me, b*tch. I’ve been waiting on this pussy for 30 years.” [man] Tell it like it is, Mike! Hey, look, he ain’t had no pussy in a week. I know what I’m talking about. I’m touching on it. Ain’t had no pussy in a week. That’s the worst pussy in the world, some pussy that don’t want you. “Come on… Fuck it, come on!” “Shit. Getting on a b*tch is not–“ “Come on! Hell, come on! Shit. Come on. Treat me like a piece of meat. Come on. You want this pussy? Come on and get it.” You’re taking your pants off, like, “Man, this is some bullshit right here. Why you gotta talk to me like that? I don’t like the way you’re talking to me, but I’m gonna get this pussy anyway.” You fucking somebody that don’t want to be fucked. [laughs] You act like you upset while you fucking ’em. “This is crazy.” “You better hurry up!” You fucking somebody that don’t want to be fucked. They in the bed like… [groaning] “All right. Come on, hurry up.” You try to whisper in her ear, “Is it good?” “Don’t ask me none of that! Hurry up!” You try to lift her leg up. [shouting] “We ain’t doin’ all that! Why are you grabbing my leg? Don’t grab my fuckin’ leg! Don’t come in me. I’m telling you, don’t do it. If you come in me, it is over. Don’t, n*gga, I swear. What’s wrong? Get up. Move! [yelling] Move! You came in me!” There’s some fine-ass women in here tonight, man, shit. [audience cheering] I seen ’em in here, they walkin’… [muttering] Them women that’s real mean got the best pussy, don’t they? [yelling] “Get out of my face! No!” Pussy is excellent. You ever have some pussy, fellas, so good, as soon as you leave the girl’s house, you call her, “What you doing?” “Uh, standing here in the door, watching you walk off.” “I just wanted to let you know I had a nice time.” Now, you’re riding home, smelling your top lip. Top lip smell like a bag of Funyuns. [spits] Some of y’all’s pussy is dead. You alive, but your pussy’s dead. There’s a lot of fine b*tches walking around, pussy dead. “Hey, look at this dead pussy.” And a lot of fellas don’t know it. “Hey, man, she’s fine as hell.” “Man, you know her pussy died about three years ago, don’t you? Yeah, I went to the funeral.” All the kids is out there with “RIP Pussy” T-shirts on. [laughs] Yeah, it’s fucked up, man. Yeah, it’s crazy. I want to turn my life over to God, but I gotta get this money first. I can’t go to God with no money, man. He’s tired of hearing n*ggas coming to him, broke. Yeah, that’s what n*ggas say, man. “I’m coming to you, God, but I gotta get this money first. I got three more pounds to get off. I gotta fuck with the devil for two more months. And after that, I’m coming to you. See me through the bad that you do.” Yeah. I tried to be a Muslim one time and got caught with a ham sandwich the third day I was in it. They was like, “Brother, brother, brother, what kind of sandwich is that?” I said, “I was just fittin’ telling you, I quit. I don’t wanna do this shit no more. And take this fuckin’ flying saucer off my head.” [audience clapping] ‘Cause I always been a… I always been a special kid, you know? I have. I always been a special kid, you know? Peed in the bed. I was in special classes. Yeah. YA Juvenile Detention Center. All that shit. Yeah, I peed in the bed, and every motherfucking thing. I was in special ed from the first to the twelfth. I was a senior in high school and never switched classes, that is… That’s humiliating right there, man. The bell rings, “Sit back down.” I said, “B*tch, the bell just rang.” “That’s not your bell, Michael.” “When’s my bell?” “At the end of the day.” I’m like, “Yeah.” “Put your helmet on.” I said, “I ain’t putting no fuckin’ helmet on, b*tch.” [audience laughing] When you in them special classes, other kids be walking past the room, looking in the room. I got a buddy in a wheelchair want to be a pimp, talkin’ about, “Look, there go some b*tches. Take me out the chair and set me on the hood of the car.” I said… “Now, what the fuck is that gonna do? It’s gonna make you more pimp-ish or something, n*gga, ’cause you sittin’…” The air out of all this n*gga’s legs. This n*gga on the car like this. The legs flat on the car. All this swelled up. I knew what was gonna happen. My buddy said, “Watch out, get him, get him.” This n*gga was sliding down the hood of the car. I said, “Oh, Lord.” [audience laughing] It was a Cadillac. The emblem caught that n*gga’s shirt. His mother was mad. [chuckles] “What the fuck y’all put him on the goddamn car for?” Yeah, man, I was watching Good Morning America with my mother, and 2 Chainz was rapping, and my mother said, “Whoo! Whoopi Goldberg rapping now.” I said, “Mama, that is not no goddamn Whoopi Goldberg.” I talk about all the entertainers, and then when I see ’em, I act like I ain’t said nothing about ’em. “Man, what’s happenin’?” “No, that’s that bullshit, Mike. I seen you on your thing. I seen you on your thing, man.” Yeah, I talk about everybody. I was talking about Stevie Wonder one time. And that motherfucker walked on RnB Live. I was like, “Oh, Lord.” But I stopped being nervous. I was like, “He don’t know I’m in here. Why should I let him fuck my night up?” But one of his fuckin’ managers or something told on me. I sat there and watched the n*gga’s lips. He talkin’ about, “There go Mike, right there.” Stevie looking for me now, and this n*gga like this… “Where’s he at? Where’s he at?” Talkin’ about, “Stevie want to talk to you, Mike.” I’m trying to walk out, he talkin’ about, “What’s up, Day-day?” I’m mad now. I was like, “Steve, you better get out my face before you see for the first time. I’m fittin’ to unblind your ass right now.” “All these beautiful songs I’ve been making up for many years, you wanna talk shit?” [audience laughing] This n*gga tried to hit me. I said, “This n*gga swung on me?” I told him, “Yeah, I’d be mad at that beautician for letting you walk out of there with them braids starting right here. Where they do that at, where the braids start right here in back?” He got to wash his face way up here and come down. [chuckling] Yeah, for real. Shit. ‘Cause I like when old men get in a fight. They be nervous as hell. When old men get in a fight, there be change all over the floor. There be, like, $1.80 on the ground. Kids be like, “They was fighting like a motherfucker.” ‘Cause that’s how them old men who can fight get into it, you know. One of them old n*ggas named Pat Henry walk up in the pool hall. “Yeah, what’s going on, man? What’s this shit I heard, you supposed to had a… You supposed to had a… [stutters] took an alternator from me over here on 30th Street the other night?” “Man, ain’t nobody done…” [mutters incomprehensibly] “Lower your voice. Lower your voice. Lower your… What the…” That’s how them old men attack, real quick. “Lower your– N*gga, I kill your ass in here. Get him on the ground, Tony.” I went to a strip club in LA the other day, Starz. [audience cheering] No, never again. These b*tches… There wasn’t one star in there. These Billy Bob Thornton-looking-ass b*tches… You know you’re in a ghetto strip club when the DJ stops the music and says, “Laquitia, your grandmama outside waiting on you. Laquitia, your grandmother’s outside waiting on you.” Them white strip clubs, they real smooth. “That’s right, folks. Coming to the stage… She goes by the name of Lexus. That’s right, fellas. Two-drink minimum, Sexy Wednesdays.” [imitating dance music] Skinny-ass white girl come out there with a baggy thong on. [imitating music continues] Thong just dangling in the crack of her ass, like, “Yeah.” [laughs] Yeah, my whole family think I’m funny but my grandmother. Everybody be laughing in the house, and then my grandmother says, “He ain’t that funny to me.” I said, “Who’s funny to you?” She said, “Bill Cosby.” [audience] Oh! “He gave me some tea.” I said, “And what happened?” She said, “I don’t remember.” Yeah, my grandmother used to sit on the toilet like this with a cigarette. [laughs] And just open her legs and thump the ashes out. [imitates thumping] Sometimes she’d lift her whole ass up. Pow! Pow! My grandmother’d call the police on everybody in the hood and then come down there with a nightgown on. “What happened down here? What happened?” Every time I tell my grandmother I’m about to go, she say, “Yeah, let the Lord bless you, or the mortuary’s gonna dress you.” I said… “What kind of shit do you say to somebody walking out the door?” But see, my grandmother, she’s a great woman, you know. And I know she’s going to heaven. [playing gentle melody] Yeah. And a lot of you think you’re going to heaven, but you’re not. [audience laughs] You see, when God calls your crooked Christian-ass home… the spirit is gonna leave your body and go into a 30-minute orientation. And in that orientation, that’s when that beautiful angel’s gonna float down and give you some paperwork to fill out. “And don’t lie, motherfucker. This is going straight to God.” And when they go to God, they say, “God… the first man’s here.” “Let him in.” “It’s a Mexican.” [Latin dance music playing] [audience cheering] “Hola, Jesús. My name is Jesús, too. And I was wondering, can I bring the rest of my family here with me? I clean your clouds. I put an extension on your wings.” “You already snuck 40 of your cousins in here, Jesús. And pick all them oranges and Chiclets up off the ground that you dropped. It smells like Fabuloso in here now.” [playing gentle melody] “Next man, who is it?” “It’s an Asian.” “Let him in.” [East Asian music playing] [exclaims] “God. You are very, very good God. I want to know if you have a beauty supply store up there. I like to sell all your black angels lace front wigs… hair grease… wave cap, brush… cocoa butter.” “All of my angels have natural hair. Thanks anyway, Kum Fuk Mi Sun. Next man, who is it?” “It’s a white man.” “Let him in.” [dramatic piano playing] [rock music playing] [yelling] “I waited in that line for 15 fuckin’ minutes! I should’ve been first, you know. Is there a Starbucks up here anywhere?” “Next man, who is it?” [music stops suddenly] [piano melody resumes] “It’s a black man.” “Let him in. Let him in. I said, let him in.” “God.” “What?” “He’s late. He said he’ll be here in 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes. Oh, look, God! He’s here.” [piano stops suddenly] [funk music playing] “Oh, Jesus, Lord. I couldn’t wait to see you! [exclaiming] Let me get a picture with you, baby. Yeah, I’m fittin’ to post this right now. Look, God, listen. I know I’ve been late on my child support. That weed I was selling is legal. Can you help a n*gga get his car fixed?” [music stops suddenly] I fucked the joke up. Hit the black music again. [funk music resumes] “Oh, Lord, Jesus! Oh, n*gga! Oh, I’ll tell you, God… Oh, man. Look, check this out. Look, I know I’ve been late on my child support. That weed that I’m selling is legal. You remember I got shot on Figueroa? And you brought me back to life? I appreciate all of that. [music fading] God, listen to me, man. I know I ain’t been right out there in them streets. But I had to do what I had to do to take care of my family… you know. And I know you know that I’m a real… I’m a real n*gga, you know. [audience laughing] I believed in you more than any of these n*ggas around here. I stayed praying to you. Can you help a n*gga get his car out the shop?” Thank y’all. Thank you so much! Thank y’all! I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all! LA! [audience cheering] LA! [upbeat piano playing] Thank y’all, LA. I love y’all! LA! [piano continues] [hip-hop beat playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mike Epps: Under Rated… Never Faded & X-Rated (2009) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-under-rated-never-faded-x-rated-transcript/

[Cheers and applause] Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! [Cheers and applause intensify] Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! [Beatboxing] [music plays] If you’re born and raised in the “d,” make some noise! And give it up, from hollywood to the hood, for my brother — Mike Epps! [Drum beat playing] Let’s go! All right! All right! Cabbage! Cabbage patch! Papa “c”! Papa “c”! Papa “c”! Reebok! I’m f*cking it up. I’m f*cking it up. Stinky legs! Stinky legs! Stinky legs! Stinky legs! Stinky legs! Stinky legs! Stinky legs! Doug e. Fresh, y’all! Doug E. Fresh! [Cheers and applause] Big “D”! Doug E. Fresh! Detroit, what’s up?! [Cheers and applause] Sit on down! Sit on down! That n*gga Doug E. Fresh spit all over my f*cking forehead. [Beatboxing] Doddamn, Doug e. One more time for Doug E. Fresh, y’all -legendary. [Cheers and applause] That’s legendary right there. Man, y’all look good in the government check out here tonight. We in the “d.” God damn it in the “d”! [Cheers and applause] You will get slapped out this motherf*cker. You n*ggas slap midgets, b*tches. N*gga, we are in the “d”! I smell gunpowder, money, and cologne. Ain’t nothing but killers and dealers out here! I had to come to Detroit and do this. [Cheers and applause] This is where the Hitsville go down, ain’t it, in Hitsville, baby. That’s right Hitsville. Straight gangster shit around here. That’s right. I went over on 7 mile. That motherf*cker need lotion like a motherf*cker. West side! West side! [Cheers and applause] East side! East side! [Cheers and applause] Yeah, the police! The police! [Audience boos] You know they in here. “I’m in here. I’m right here. I’m right here!” Police always hit you with that, “aah!” Goddamn, it’s going down. Y’all motherf*ckers get y’all hair done every day. Oh, you b*tches’ toes be f*cked-up, but hair be whipped! You be like, “man, she’s cute.” ♪ Duh duh duh duh ♪ Where’s the toe budget at? Goddamn, it’s going down up in this motherf*cker right here. Look at all the married men can’t do nothing tonight. Married men just whispering to hisself, “goddamn, why did i bring her ass out tonight? There’s some motherf*cking stars in here tonight.” You know n*gga’s looking out the corner of their eye every five minutes, looking like this every five minutes. This is that one right here. “…looking at the b*tch for?” “N*gga, ain’t nobody looking at no b*tch.” A man use any excuse to look at a girl. “She look like your friend denise.” “She don’t look like my motherf*cking friend. Look at the b*tch again.” “You got a purse like that.” “Look at the b*tch again. I ain’t got no motherf*cking purse like that.” Married men act totally different when they by theirself, don’t they? You see them with their wife. “What’s up, Tony?” “Hey, man, how’s everything going, brother? Oh, just taking it easy, hanging out with the old lady. All right, god bless you. Take it easy now. All right.” Be like, “that n*gga ain’t like that!” You see him by himself. “What’s up, Tony?” “Hey, where’s the b*tches at, n*gga?! Where’s the b*tch ass?” “There your girl.” “Where? Where she at? Where she at? She just pulled up? She’s outside?” Every man in here is scared of their f*cking girl. These motherf*cking women are detectives. Just when you think you’ve slipped, and they got your ass. That’s right. They’ll tell you they’re going to bed and get up and come looking for you. “I’m going to bed.” “Okay, i love you. Bye. All right.” N*gga think, “I’m going up, looking for this n*gga’s ass. I know where he at. He over at chuckie and them’s over on Feday street. I’m going to f*ck this n*gga up.” Your friends be looking out for you. “I think your girl’s out prowling. I just seen her car.” And don’t fall asleep, fellas, before your girl ’cause they will ransack your shit. You ever fall asleep and wake up and realize you ain’t got that phone in your pocket? Be like, “oh, shit. My phone. Baby! What room you in?! This b*tch got my phone. Baby, what room you in? You seen your mama? Where your mama at? Where your mama? Baby!” They get that motherf*cking phone, it is a wrap. That’s a real nightmare right there, Detroit. You in a cold sleep, and that’s all you hear — “who the f*ck is this?!” You can’t believe it’s happening. You be like, “is this a dream?” You be looking with your eyes squinting and shit. “Who is this, n*gga? Ain’t no sun in here.” N*gga looking like the sun’s in his eyes. “Ain’t no sun in here. Who is this?!” “I don’t know.” “Call the b*tch.” You walk around the house butt naked with some underwear on, calling b*tches. “Yeah, this is mike. Uh, don’t never call me again, b*tch, yeah. F*ck you, you know what i mean?” He could be looking at his girl, talking, “yeah, b*tch, don’t ever call me back again, you hear me?” “Call the other b*tch. I’m not playing with you.” “Yeah, this is mike. Uh, don’t never call me back again. You f*cking my family up, b*tch. Bye.” “Don’t be saying ‘bye’ at the end, n*gga! You’re trying to leave some hope, ain’t you? I’m changing the number in the morning.” You know, f*cking women put the pressure on the n*gga. They want to feel your balls when you come in the house. “Let me feel your nuts. Your nuts feel empty, man. How much did they weigh ‘fore I left, man? “I didn’t say nothing when you had that bottle of vinegar next to the tub.” Look how all the old b*tches know what that is. ♪ Snap that pussy back ♪ [imitates whip] “yeah, i’m gonna tighten this pussy up on this n*gga tonight. Two capfuls of this vinegar.” ♪ Snap that pussy back ♪ [imitates whip] “Girl, I’m looking in my cabinet. I done ran out of that snap-back. Come over. I’ll be right over there.” ♪ Snap that pussy back ♪ [imitates whip] All the young b*tches still don’t know what I’m talking about. “What’s the vinegar shit he talking about?” They going to the store right after this. “What aisle’s the vinegar on, ma’am?” “You must want to…” ♪ snap that pussy back ♪ [imitates whip] Look at them. They like that, don’t they, fellas? But they don’t like when we make the pussy fart, do they? [Imitates farting] “You trying to be funny, you making my pussy fart.” [Imitates farting] N*gga make a song like Doug E. Fresh. [Beatboxing] “Get up. You making my pussy fart.” They think they done did their thing. Air done got in there. They lifted their legs up. As soon as they let them legs down. [Imitates farting] “I’m so sorry.” Don’t be sorry. Which hole did that air come out of? ‘Cause i smelled steamed broccoli, goddamn it, now get up. [Imitates farting] I seen cream of wheat dust come out of there. [Imitates farting] And, fellas, you got to f*ck these girls good, ’cause if you don’t, they ain’t gonna give you no play. You be like, “I wonder why she don’t say nothing to me no more, man.” You see her in the club. “What’s up?!” She be like, “hey… sorry-ass motherf*cker. Two-second-ass, b*tch-ass n*gga, wasting my time.” You got to tear the pussy down. If you don’t f*ck them good, you know they gonna pull out that little… [buzzing] Look at them. They love that shit. [Buzzing] Put the motherf*cking toy out of the equation. You done tore the pussy down. “Watch out.” [Buzzing] Then the batteries go down. [Low-pitched buzzing] You be like, “yeah, b*tch. You want to play now.” [Low-pitched buzzing] She all in the kitchen, butt naked on her tippy toes, looking for batteries. “Oh, my god. The feeling’s going away. I need some batteries.” All in the kitchen drawers, “oh, my god, where’s the motherf*cking batteries?” They finally take the batteries out the remote control. “Get the channel you gonna watch. Put the motherf*cking remote control down. I’m taking the batteries out of here.” [High-pitched buzzing] They get mad when we got a porno tape in the motherf*cking house. “Keep these b*tches out of my house!” Motherf*cking frisbee -threw the motherf*cker. “I don’t know them b*tches. They live in San Diego.” Women love to catch a n*gga jacking off. That’s why you got to have the remote control right here on your lap -so you can hit “stop” and put your d*ck under your shirt. “Who is that?” Son! That’s how women walk in the door on your ass — just like this. “What are you doing?” I’m gonna do it again. This is how they come around the corner like this. “Caught your ass, didn’t I? Smell funny in here.” “What it supposed to smell like? My balls is out. Cherries?” And, ladies, you got to watch these men. Just ’cause a n*gga got money don’t mean he got his d*ck cut right when he was a baby. N*gga pull his d*ck out, and motherf*cker got a turtleneck. ♪ I think this brother got a turtleneck ♪ “Girl, he got money, but he got blanket lint on his d*ck. What do I do? What do I do?” I’m feeling good, motherf*cker. We got a black president. Can’t nobody tell me shit. [Cheers and applause] I feel like I can sell weed right in the middle of the street. Obama smoke weed. Look at that little walk he got. You see that little walk? I seen him almost fall one time. See, this n*gga’s a pimp right here. Lips purple -he smoking them grape swisher sweets? Look at his lips. Bush got all the money. He’s a rotten motherf*cker, that little bush. Oh, he somewhere right now with his shirt off, eating chicken wings, counting his money. “Oh, I raked up pretty good.” He just look at you with that little smirk like that. You know how bush look at you, like, “you know I f*cked you. But what you gonna do about it? Nothing!” They tried to f*ck Obama’s oath up. You see when he had his hand up? He had to stop and look at the man like, “I’ll slap the shit out you up here if you mess my shit up. Try to read my oath with a now and later in your mouth.” You know Obama’s real. He getting them threatening calls, too. He got the same pressure of a n*gga that got 30 kilos in the basement. [Imitates telephone ringing] “hello?” “I’m gonna kill you, n*gga.” “Hello?!” “I’m gonna kill you, motherf*cker. You think you the shit.” “Jesse? [Laughter and applause] I know who it is, Michelle. It’s Jesse Jackson. Stop playing on my f*cking phone. No, you can’t come to the white house, n*gga. Trying to call me a b*tch on the mike one night.” They caught Jesse’s ass hating on him. “Talk about suck my d*ck, n*gga.” They caught Jesse. Caught you, didn’t they, Jesse? He sitting up there at the inauguration, crying, like he just so happy, looking like a drunk-ass Pekinese, just… “man, that sure was supposed to be me. Keep hope alive.” He’s just a rotten motherf*cker, man. You got Martin Luther King shot, man. Pop! “Watch out, king! Goddamn it! Get out the way!” “Jesse, they was after you.” “I know who it was. I know that. I tried to f*ck his wife. Let’s get out of here.” Ah, shit. That f*cking bin laden -they still can’t find him. Every chance he get, he let them know. As soon as obama won, n*gga call. [Foreign accent] “we won, my n*gga.” “Who is this?” [Foreign accent] “it’s the n*gga you love to hate. It’s ladi-dadi. And we likes to party.” He send him a tape every chance he get. [Foreign accent] “this is my new video. Exclusive. ‘Rhapsody the basement,’ with my n*gga, big tigger.” [Imitates Arabic chanting] [imitates drum beat] ♪ Gettin’ Bin Laden money ♪ ♪ We gettin’ Bin Laden money ♪ [imitates Arabic chanting] ♪ We gettin’ Bin Laden money ♪ Just think of all them busta rhymes video. [Imitates Arabic chanting] Muslim women butt naked with just this on. [Imitates Arabic chanting] Oh, man. It’s crazy out here, man. White people, I feel sorry for y’all. Y’all kids will kill y’all… in a motherf*cking minute. “Timmy, you’re grounded.” “And you’re dead, mom b*tch! You’re f*cking out of here, man!” That’s how they always do the leg and their foot — “you’re f*cking dead, mom! You’re dead -f*cking dead as dead, man!” “Timmy, what’s the problem?” “You’re the f*cking problem. You’re the problem, dad’s the f*cking problem. I told you I want my f*cking skateboard out the shop, b*tch!” Look at white people. “I don’t act like that. My son doesn’t do that.” You come home from school, little Timmy in the garage making a bomb. “What are you doing, Timmy?” “Nothing, mom! Get out of here now! That’s why you’re f*cking out of here!” You ain’t never heard of a little black kid killing they mama, have you? ‘Cause there will be a shootout in that mother. You know, black mothers got instincts like they in Vietnam. “What you doing in that room so motherf*cking long? You need to say something when you in there.” “This is my room.” You know them black mothers love jumping on they daughters. Them mamas and daughters always got that little rival thing after a while. You know when the daughters start getting spunky with her mama, tell her to do something. “I’m-a do it. Shit.” “What did you say? B*tch, I’ll knock your head in between that washer and dryer. Don’t talk that motherf*cking shit to me.” You know, black mothers love to do that first jump on. “Let’s get an understanding around here, Heifer.” And then they call and tell everybody. “I had to knock Shaniqua’s motherf*cking — I tried to kick that b*tch all behind the damn washer and dryer. I guess ’cause she got titties she think she running something around here. I had to let her know – buy your own tampons! Until you can buy your own tampons, don’t say a motherf*cking thing to me. B*tch will want to borrow a tampon, talk crazy back to a b*tch.” Then the next two days – “I love you, baby. Want to go have lunch?” “Yeah, if you didn’t beat me all upside the f*cking head and told everybody at the church.” Black mamas will hit your ass anywhere — church, parking lot, court -any motherf*cking where. If you ever get hit, you be looking to see who seen it. Be a white man just looking at you like this. “You better be careful, little buddy.” “You better shut the f*ck up.” “He’s pretty feisty, isn’t he?” “Yeah, I’m-a knock his motherf*cking teeth out of his mouth.” [Laughs] My mother tried to raise us Jehovah’s Witness. I was like, “oh, hell, no. Not that. No f*cking Christmas gifts? F*ck this shit!” Keep tying notes to my shirt — “he’s not to participate in any activities.” “This note won’t make it this year. I’m getting a f*cking gift this year.” Knocking on people’s doors -“do you know the truth?” “Get off my porch, b*tch.” “Yep, the devil’s in there. Let’s get out of here, kids.” Hey, it’s f*cking crazy out here. I want to turn my life over to God, but it is hard as hell. Every time something happen to us, that’s what we do. “Oh, god, please don’t do it to me, man. I tell you this is it, man. I’m -I’m leaving these n*ggas alone. All these b*tches -I’m telling you this is it, man. I’m tired of this shit, man. I should have been came to you.” As soon as you feel good, n*gga, you’re back out. ♪ F*ck these b*tches ♪ ♪ I’m gonna f*ck these b*tches ♪ God be like, “he’s a lying motherf*cker right there. Lying-ass n*gga. Don’t you call me no more.” These motherf*cking churches are getting expensive! You think these preachers don’t know it’s a f*cking recession? Every time they catch you catching the Holy Ghost — “we gonna take the plate one more time! Pass the plate one more time!” I seen old ladies snap out of the holy ghost. She’s like, “la-oh, hell, no! Now, that’s just taking advantage of a motherf*cker right there. That’s the third time he done sent the plate around here. Now, that’s it, now.” They got families that know how to time that motherf*cking plate. You see a whole family get up. They know how to do it. You see the father get up first. Motherf*cker just start walking out. Kids be right behind him. Pastor, “look at this shit right there! Look at that! That’s what you call stealing, now.” Some of them pastors need to quit it, for real. Like, them n*ggas that be on tv 4:30 in the morning. Be like, “n*gga, what the hell?” “You got to understand. You see the lord — [screeches] let us turn the page 33, Corinthians 33:45. And it’ll tell you – you’ll see the — [screeches]” be like, “n*gga, it is the reason why you on the tv at 4:00 in the morning. You ain’t shit.” And I’m telling you, man, tv and the computer is some bullshit. That’s all they got is bullshit on there. Judge Joe Brown– you ever watch him? [Imitates judge Joe Brown] “You mean to tell me you had $25, and you turned around and gave the other lady $8 of the money? Sit down.” [Normal voice] What about judge Mathis? He’s a motherf*cker, ain’t he? That’s Detroit’s finest. He’ll call you a crackhead in a minute. [Imitates judge Mathis] “So that’s what the lady said. I know what she said. Huh? Go ahead. Say it again. And she’s a crackhead. I know a crackhead when I see one. Go ahead. Huh? And you gave her the $35. I know a crackhead. Yeah, I know your stuff. I went to school with people like you. You trying to pull a game on me. Gangs -I’ve been there.” [Normal voice] Don’t you hate that guy on that college commercial – that Everest College commercial? [Cheers and applause] “Get up. Come on. What you doing? You ain’t doing nothing with yourself. Come on, look at you. You look like a bum just sitting there! You ain’t doing nothing! Do something with yourself. Come on down to college. Man, you ugly as hell. Man, come on, man. Look at you. You ain’t got no job. You ain’t doing nothing with yourself. Come on, get a college degree!” You be like, “shut the f*ck up, n*gga! I’m doing something with myself! I’ll kill that n*gga down at Everest College, man.” 10 minutes later, here come the b*tch. “Come on. What you got in there, huh? You ain’t doing nothing with yourself. Life’s f*cked up.” [Chuckles] What about “First 48”? You ever watch that? [Cheers and applause] You got to read the Bible after you watch that shit. I’m straightening my life up after this episode. That was f*cked up. I ain’t bullshitting. It can happen. They need to call “First 48” “First 48 Snitches,” ’cause them are some ratatouille-ass n*ggas on that show. I haven’t seen an episode yet where they didn’t tell. Soon as the police ride up. “Put your hands up!” “Tony Clark.” Police, “wait a minute, n*gga. Who is Tony Clark?” “I tell you who it is. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go downtown. I’m ready to get a soda. I’m ready to drink a soda, baby, let’s do it. And you better get two 90-minute tapes ’cause I got a whole lot of shit I want to talk to you about.” That lady make everybody tell. What’s her name – ms. Mason? You know how the show come on. [Imitates theme music] “In the first 48…” when they get the n*gga in the room, she go right in there at him. “Now, little cookie, you know that I know that everybody in the hood know who killed little poo-poo Thursday night.” This is how you know the n*gga gonna tell, when they go like this – [sighs] “booyah! I think we got him!” When they come back from a commercial, n*gga been saying something. You can tell ’cause he got a cigarette. N*gga relaxed. “Yeah, I seen a little something-something-something.” By the time the show’s going off, this n*gga at red lobster. “I seen three murders. Give me that butter right there. Put that…” “N*gga, you done told for an ultimate feast?” What I can’t understand about a n*gga telling, n*gga still go to jail. You did all that telling, and you still in here? N*ggas in jail are the lyingest motherf*ckers ever. N*gga be in jail lying like me. “You know they took $100,000 from me, man! Kicked that dope, took $100,000, took $50,000, man. Took everything.” You like, “why you ain’t got no money on your books?” “They took everything. I didn’t even have $15 to put on any n*gga’s books.” When n*ggas go to prison, man, they turn into everything. Straight up. I know a n*gga that done killed nine n*ggas. This n*gga’s in a Christmas play this year. This n*gga — [Hums “the little drummer boy”] ♪ I me-♪ I said, “do they know who they got in this play?” This n*gga is gonna tie Santa, everybody up. [Hums “The little drummer boy”] N*ggas come home from prison — they want you to take them to the mall, don’t they? “Take me to the mall, baby. You know I just came home, man. Gonna get me right, baby! Take me to Northland, baby, get me a sweater! Yeah, man, take me there, man.” They tell everybody, too. “Yeah, Tony got me two sweaters. I just got two sweaters. Tony gave me two sweaters. I got a pair of pants the other night.” See the n*gga a year later. “Man, you know I just came home, don’t you?” “N*gga, you’ve been home for a while now. Quit lying, motherf*cker.” And if you’ve been selling dope for 20 years and you ain’t got shit, it’s probably time to get a job. I’m being straight up. You can make more money on a job than them those kibbles and bits. You been throwing rocks at the penitentiary for $140 a week, anyway. For $140 a week. You might as well go get a job. You in it for the lifestyle, not the paper. You’re tricking b*tches with a gold chain. Look at the sugar daddy right there. ♪ You could have whatever you like ♪ ♪ I said you could have whatever you like ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ Look at sugar daddy. Sugar daddy! [Cheers and applause] If you don’t sit your big b.b. king-looking ass… ♪ You could have whatever you like ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Stacks on me ♪ ♪ Patron on ice ♪ ♪ Put it on down, but it just ♪ ♪ I said, you could have whatever you like ♪ That’s right. Give it up for him, y’all. One more time, sugar daddy! [Cheers and applause] That’s one of them old players Be looking over his glasses in the club. Boy, there’s some fine b*tches in here tonight. N*gga had this many keys. Goddamn, this is magnificent. Where are the bad b*tches at? Goddamn, there’s some bad b*tches in there. Smitty, where are the little bad b*tches in the house? Oh, look at that ass – fatter than a country boy’s lunch box. Look out. Look out. Look out. Look out. I’d like to had to got that pussy the other night. I’d like to had to got that pussy. I’d like to had to got it. I’m telling you.” That’s how them old men be talking. “Look here, son. Let me tell you something. I just got a whole new -i just got a whole new — look out there in the back of that trunk and get y’all soda out of there. Get your soda out of there.” When them old men coming in the house, that’s all you hear. [Keys jingling] “Damn, what key is this? I don’t know what godda–“ [keys jingling] Then you hear him holler. “Barbara! [Keys jingling] I don’t know what goddamn key this is right here.” There’s some sugar daddies in here ’cause I seen about nine vans outside. That’s all them old players drive is vans. “Shit, I ain’t about no goddamn hotel. Take her right in the back of the goddamn van. Yeah, sure did. F*cked her for $77.” N*ggas always say an odd number. “Shit, get me some of that pussy for $38 the other night. Sure did.” There’s a lot of older ladies in here trying to give away some of that cougar pussy. [Hisses] ♪ You could have whatever you like ♪ “Come on, get some of this cougar pussy, young boy.” Shit, them old ladies buy you lawn mowers and hedge cutters and shit. “Mama bought you a hedge cutter, baby.” “I ain’t doing no yard work, b*tch. Let me use the car.” I got a buddy under investigation right now. This n*gga been taking food up into the nursing home, feeding old women, getting they checks. He riding around with the old women in they car. Old women got the same jogging suit he got on. “Yeah, man, that’s my girl in there.” I said, “n*gga, that ain’t your girl. Take that old lady home.” 3:00 in the morning, she in the car asleep. This n*gga eating chicken outside of the car, music blaring. Old lady in the car knocked the f*ck out with a jogging suit on. I said, “man, take that old lady ass home.” She about to get up anyway. It’s about 4:30. She get up anyway that time. I said, “this is a rotten motherf*cker right here, n*gga. You going to double hell with gasoline drawers on. You are f*cked up.” I said, “do you f*ck any of them?” “Every now and then, I hit one of them. Every now and then, I hit them and split them, you know what I mean? I do a little something to them. Get on, wave it around.” I said, “you’s a foul n*gga. If I catch you near my grandma, I’m gonna f*ck you up.” Some of them grandmas, though, they be hot in the pants. They be in there talking all nice to you and your friends. As soon as you walk out, they jump in your friends’ faces. “Man, come and get your grandmother.” “What? I ain’t did nothing. Ain’t nobody doing nothing.” We have some sugar daddies in here tonight, and I knowing some older ladies in here tonight. And I just want to let y’all know that times have really changed. You know times have changed. How did we go from… ♪ Oh, girl ♪ ♪ I’d be in trouble if I left you now ♪ …to… [rapping] ♪ I was gettin’ some head ♪ ♪ I was gettin’ some head ♪ My grandmother is 80-something years old. She don’t know what “head” mean – the word “head.” My little nephews was playing that song. She came in there and said, “cut it off right now before I come in there and get some head out of all of you! And I mean cut it off right goddamn now! I gave your daddy head, your daddy head, your daddy head. I’ve been giving head around here for many years. Now cut it off!” They was laughing like a mother. Every five minutes, they was running in the room, playing, “grandma.” “What?” “You still gonna give us some head like you said you was earlier today?” “You damn right I’m gonna give you head like I said. Keep on coming in and ask, I’m gonna give it to you right now!” “I got to pee. I can’t do it right now.” She didn’t know what the f*ck they was talking about. My auntie told her what they was talking about. They was in there asleep. She came in there. “Get your motherf*cking ass! I was talking about sucking a d*ck earlier today!” My grandmother’s sitting on the toilet like this with a cigarette and just open her legs and thump the ashes out. Puh! Puh! Puh! Shoulders be up. “Come here. Get grandma some toilet paper.” Puh! Puh! Puh! Sometimes she lift her whole ass up. Puh! Puh! Puh! It look like Chris Brown is the new Ike turner. ♪ Wanna beat you, boo ♪ ♪ Every day ♪ Pssh! ♪ Every night ♪ We don’t know what that Frankenstein-head b*tch did to him. There’s two sides to the motherf*cking story. Shit, I’m down with the women, you know what I mean? But the new law is… ♪ Whoever get the phone first, the other one’s goin’ to jail ♪ Shit, n*ggas be calling now. “Yeah, uh, my wife just hit me in the eye. Get down here now.” They don’t f*ck around with that shit. They will give a n*gga a basketball-jersey number for that shit. One time, my girl called the police and hung up. Them motherf*ckers still came out. “Unfortunately, um, somebody got to go down.” I was like, “for what?” “Um, taxpayer’s dollars. You made us come out here.” She looking at me. I’m looking at her. I went down there and got her, man. She was madder than a motherf*cker. What? I had to work that night. She in the car like… [screams] I’m like, “I know. I know how it is.” [Sighs] I’m just bullshitting. I’m just playing. They all jokes, motherf*ckers – jokes. Y’all get sensitive and shit. Now I’m in the movies. Motherf*ckers just want me to crack a joke all the goddamn time. I’ll just be at places, man. “Say something funny.” Be like, “n*gga, you say something funny.” People just walk up and ask stupid-ass questions. “You talk to ice cube every day?” “No, motherf*cker!” Stupid shit. And people love to call me day-day. How long am i gonna be day-day? [Cheers and applause] Forever? ♪ Aaaaaaah ♪ ♪ 15, 30, 35, 40 ♪ [hums] ♪ 45, 47 ♪ “I know Dwight.” “Dwight who?” “‘Da white’ around your lips.” And I’m escorted by top-flight security of the world! [Cheers and applause] [hums heroic music] Yeah, it’s crazy around here, man. I ain’t bullshitting, man. I went to the strip club the other night – The Brass Key. [Crowd shouts indistinctly] It was rough up in there. Smell my fingers. I ain’t bullshitting. Come here, man. I cannot get this cat smell off my hand. You’re like, “man, what the f*ck?” A girl squirt some baby milk. I’m like, “what the hell was that all about?” “I just had a son!” I said, “do you see him in here?” Had a c-section scar that went across this way. What you have, a baby or heart surgery? What the f*ck kind of scar is that? I went and told the manager. I said, “girl’s squirting goat milk over there in the f*cking corner.” “I know who it is.” “What the f*ck did you let her work for tonight? You know who it is.” I love Detroit! Y’all n*ggas is gangsta out here. [Cheers and applause] Yeah. I’ve been coming to Detroit since 1989. I went to the Job Corps right there on Jefferson Street. [Cheers and applause] My mama sent me up here to be an electrician. I went back home with a finger wave. She’s like, “oh, hell, no. You getting the f*ck out of there.” I had a briefcase and shit. “What the f*ck kind of new shit is this? What’s in the briefcase?!” “Nothing.” I love y’all n*ggas in Detroit. Shit. And n*gga asks why you all here at the show during a recession? ‘Cause y’all are some hustling sons of b*tches. [Cheers and applause] I don’t know where you get your money, but you get it. And if you’re poor, we won’t never know it. Y’all keep y’all fronts all the way up. You stay down until you come up. A n*gga won’t never know what you got until he pull you to the side and say, “man, I’m running on hard times right now.” [Mumbles indistinctly] That’s how one of them old players gets some money from you. They just stare at you for a minute before they say something. As soon as they catch your eye. “Let me holler about something.” You’re like, “oh, what this n*gga want right here?” “Look, man, tell you something, man, you know they took $3,500 from me the other day over there at tony and earl and them homes, right?” You’re like, “here this n*gga go on one of them stories.” You see that white man Madoff took all that money. You see that shit? Man, if that was a n*gga, he’d be dead. Shit, you can’t take $1,000 from a n*gga without putting a hit on you. I’m for real. You borrow money from a white person, don’t never give it back. “This is it. This is the last $30.” You borrow some money from a black person, they’re gonna threaten you before they give it to you. “Let me tell you about my money, player. I works too hard for my stiff. You know what I mean? I started not to give it to you.” You be like, “you know what — f*ck you and that $20, all right? About to f*cking lecture me, n*gga.” The black people give you the money and tell everybody. “What you doing?” “Oh, nothing. Just gave Carlos $40. Doing pretty bad this week, man. You know, I guess God will bless me for it, you know what I mean?” And everybody got to do the right thing, you know what I mean, trying to look out for each other. You know what I’m saying? Shit, that’s all we got around here, these motherf*ckers, is each other. Shit. That’s right. We ain’t got none of the old folks no more. All these little, young kids -they f*cked up. They ain’t got no direction. Shit. These little kids is on everything — slurp, pills, Xanax, ♪ Oxycontin, painkillers, cigarette, weed ♪ ♪ Hennessy, vodka ♪ [hums] These little n*ggas is Martians around here. They go through 19 emotions. You be like, “what’s up, little Tony?” [Screams] “I love you. Ohh! I feel –“ [screams] Be like, “what the f*ck is wrong with you?” “I’m on everything.” I’m retarded. I’ve been in Special Ed all my life. They have surrounded me around retarded kids all my life for nothing. For real. They said, “you retarded –” my mother said, “you was retarded when you was little. And you grew out of it.” I said, “no, ain’t no f*cking growing out of it.” I told her, “stop telling people that shit.” “You was retarded and grew out of it.” You don’t f*cking grow out of it. If I was retarded then, I’ll be retarded now, right? Do I look retarded to any of y’all? Who’s saying “yeah”? F*ck you, man. There’s some retarded kids in here ’cause I seen the van pull up outside. They on a field trip -about six of them together. That’s how retarded kids walk when they don’t know where they going. “Toby, over here!” “Leave me alone. And get out of my face.” I went to school with a n*gga named junior. N*gga had a big old booty, wore corduroys every day. Corduroys and cardboard. You’d say, “what’s up, Junior?” “Get out of my face and leave me alone.” N*gga tongue always hanging out. “Leave me alone. Leave me alone.” I walk in the bathroom. This n*gga done pull his pants all the way down, pissing like this — ass out, belt buckle, underwear, everything down there. I said, “man, unzip your shit!” “Leave me alone.” One day, I’m in the motherf*cking club. This motherf*cker – this dude pull a hot dog out his pocket — in the bun -ketchup, mustard, everything. I said, “did this motherf*cker just pull a dressed hot dog out his pocket?” “Leave me alone.” I stayed in Special Ed. And the bell would ring. Teacher -“sit back down.” I said, “b*tch, the bell just rang.” “Put your helmet on.” I said, “I’m not putting no motherf*cking helmet on.” I was in there with a n*gga had a hand like this, but the n*gga sing R&B. And he’d go — ♪ Baby ♪ [beatboxing] ♪ And I really wanna love you ♪ [beatboxing] ♪ I said, baby ♪ [beatboxing] ♪ And I really wanna love you ♪ Little hand be swinging. “You know, girl.” [Beatboxing] ♪ Gi-i-rl ♪ That’s how he’d wipe the sweat off his head. “This next song is… one of my favorites.” Sometimes he’d get sexy with it. He’d go… ♪ baby ♪ that’s how he looked on his debut album -like this. [Deep voice] His new debut album — “Where will I go now?” [Normal voice] Y’all think I’m going to hell for that? [Cheers and applause] And you going with me. You was laughing. ♪ Baby ♪ [beatboxing] That’s how he be clever. “Come on, put them nubs together. Come on! You know, ladies…” ♪ When I look into your eyes ♪ That’s how he get a lot of women. He’d get the number with his back turned. “Put your number in the phone.” They be getting the pussy. You don’t see nothing but that hand. “What is that moving?” “Don’t worry about it.” Soon as the motherf*cker come… ♪ Baby ♪ [beatboxing] There’s a lot of big girls in here tonight. Where the big girls at? [Women cheering] I’m gonna start pointing y’all’s asses out. You don’t want to make it known. I see your honeybun-smuggling ass up in here. I made a song for the big girls. Come on, y’all. Clap. We’re gonna do the song for the big girls. Come on now. Everybody got a big girl, you know what I mean? Some of y’all mamas is big girls. And some of y’all n*ggas is big girls, too. Come on now. [Rapping] ♪ I like big girls ♪ ♪ I cannot lie ♪ ♪ If you need a man, baby, I’m that guy ♪ ♪ Up in the club, V.I.P. ♪ ♪ Big girls everywhere, and they lovin’ me ♪ ♪ Yeah, I want a sandwich ♪ ♪ I’ll take two ♪ ♪ Put it in the kitchen ♪ ♪ They know what to do ♪ ♪ Lobster, chicken, biscuits ♪ ♪ Put it in the oven ♪ ♪ Kool-aid, pizza ♪ ♪ Damn, I love it ♪ ♪ Big girl, big job, big salary ♪ ♪ Big girls don’t care about calories ♪ ♪ Big girls don’t care who’s lookin’ ♪ ♪All they wanna know is, “damn, who cookin’?” ♪ I’m Mike Epps. Thank y’all, Detroit! [Drum beat playing] [cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ricky Gervais: SuperNature (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-supernature-transcript/

[audience cheering and applauding] [announcer] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome to the stage a man who really doesn’t need to do this. [audience laughing] Ricky Gervais. [upbeat music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] [audience cheering] [music fades] Hello. Hello. Thank you. [cheering continues] Shush. Thank you very much. Shush. No, shush. Thank you, but shut the fuck up. No fucking whooping or… Just laugh. No, but thank… Shush. Everyone calm down. Shush! I’m filming this. Shut up, you cunts! [audience laughing] Thank you very much. Um… Welcome to my show. Uh… It’s not a show. There’s no dancers or jugglers. It’s basically a bloke talking, um, which is essentially what stand-up comedy is. A bloke talking. Sexist. Um… [audience laughing] What about all the funny female comedians? Like, um… [audience laughing] No. No. No. Right. No, no, no, no, no. I’m not doing that. Okay, right. That was irony, okay? There’ll be a bit of that throughout the show. See if you can spot it. Now, that’s when I say something I don’t really mean for comic effect, and you, as an audience, you laugh at the wrong thing ’cause you know what the right thing is. It’s a way of satirizing attitudes. Like that first joke, I used the old-fashioned sexist trope that women aren’t funny. Now, in real life, I know there are loads of funny women. Like, um… [audience laughing] I did it again. Well spotted. Good. [audience laughing] No, but there are. Um… Dame Edna Everage. She’s… [audience laughing] Uh… Eddie Izzard. [audience laughing] She’s brilliant, in’t she? [audience laughing] She’s not only a great comedienne, she’s also a great actress, isn’t she? She was brilliant in that thing as that man, weren’t sh… [audience laughing] It’s good to be back. Um… I fell back in love with stand-up on my last tour, Humanity. I played arenas around the world. Netflix bought it for a record amount. It was the most-watched special of the year. I thought, “Everyone loves me now. Everyone loves me now.” Then I got this tweet. [audience laughing] A real tweet, right? “Call yourself a comedian?” He knows I do. [audience laughing] Literally says the word in my Twitter bio. [audience laughing] “Call yourself a comedian?” “You’re about as funny as…” Now, I thought he was gonna go for the jugular and say, “Miranda,” or… [audience laughing] Come on! Come on, guys. Don’t… [Ricky laughing] I’m joking. Right. [audience laughing] “Call yourself a comedian?” “You’re about as funny as a fart at a baby’s funeral.” [audience laughing] Yeah. He was trying to hurt my feelings. But his big mistake was choosing summat that’d be fucking hilarious! [audience laughing] As if that would… A fart at a baby’s funeral? [audience laughing] Big, echoey church. Everyone just silently sobbing like that. Tiny little coffin. Tiny little coffin. [audience laughing] And someone farts? [audience laughing] You’d laugh. [audience laughing] Even if it was your baby. You know? No. [audience laughing] If you’re at the funeral, it’s been dead a week. [surprised laughter] You’re probably up for a giggle. [audience laughing] Particularly if you’re the father. If you’re the mother, you probably still find it hard seeing “the funny side of things.” [audience laughing] Oh, women! [groans] [audience laughing] Not all women. I mean, the old-fashioned ones. The old-fashioned women. Oh God! You know, the ones with wombs. Oh. [audience laughing] Those fucking dinosaurs. [groans] [audience laughing] No, I love the new women. They’re great, aren’t they? The new ones we’ve been seeing lately. The ones with beards and cocks. They’re as good as… [audience laughing] They’re as good as gold. I love them. [audience laughing] It’s the old-fashioned… And now the old-fashioned, they go, “Ooh, they wanna use our toilets!” “Why shouldn’t they?” “For ladies!” “They are ladies. Look at their pronouns.” [audience laughing] “What about this person isn’t a lady?” “Well, his penis.” [audience laughing] “Her penis, you fucking bigot!” [audience laughing] “What if he rapes me?” “What if she rapes you?” [audience laughing] “You fucking TERF whore!” [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] But that tweet sums comedy up, doesn’t it? How subjective it is. How one person, some people can find them hilarious, some find them the least funny person in the world. When someone says to me about another comedian, they say, “Oh, they’re not funny,” even if I agree with them, I stand up… I say, “You can’t say that. You gotta say you don’t find them funny.” I hate it when people say, “That joke was offensive.” I say, “No, you gotta say you found it offensive.” It’s about feelings, and feelings are personal. And there’s loads of types of comedy, and comedy evolves. There’s a new type of comedy at the moment called woke comedy, right? No, it’s very progressive, you know? There are clubs where the comedian has to sign a thing saying he won’t say anything contentious or anything that could offend anyone. It’s a safe space for the audience. Woke comedy. And, uh, I tried to watch a bit of it, and I decided I’d rather watch Louis CK masturbate. [audience laughing] Can’t mention him anymore. He’s canceled. Uh… Not enough to apologize and move on. You gotta… Like poor Kevin Hart. See, Kevin Hart, he got the job hosting the Oscars. His best day ever. He was on Twitter, “I’ve wanted to do this all my life.” And then someone found these ten-year-old tweets. Look, they were sort of childish, sort of shitty homophobic tweets. It was about his son. He was mucking around. He said, “Oh, my son’s doing so-and-so. I hope he’s not gay.” There was a massive backlash. He went, “I’m not homophobic, sorry.” He deleted ’em, right, and said, “I’m really sorry.” Ten years later, someone finds a screen grab and goes, “Look, he’s done this.” And the Oscars go, “You gotta apologize again.” He went, “No, I’ve apologized. I can’t keep apologizing.” And he’s right. If there’s no value to saying sorry and evolving, he might as well just tweet ’em again. [audience laughing] That’s how I deal with shit anyway. [audience laughing] But if you’re the type of person to revel in someone getting canceled for summat they said ten years ago, you’re just ensuring that one day you’ll be canceled for summat you said today. You can’t predict what’ll be offensive in the future. You don’t know who the dominant mob will be. Like, the worst thing you can say today, get you canceled on Twitter, death threats, the worst thing you can say today is, “Women don’t have penises,” right? [audience laughing] Now, no one saw that coming. [audience laughing] There are no ten-year-old tweets of people saying… You won’t find a ten-year-old tweet of someone saying, “Women don’t have penises.” Do you know why? We didn’t think we fucking had to. [audience laughing] Liam Neeson. Oh. He nearly got canceled, didn’t he? Liam Neeson. Now, I don’t know why he told this story. [audience laughing] But he did, at a press junket to a journalist, right, and he just started saying, uh, “It was 30 years ago, and, uh, my friend came home, and, um, she’d been raped,” right, and… That’s not the funny bit. [audience laughing] [laughs] He said, “She’d been raped.” I said, ‘What did the guy look like?'” “Said it was a Black guy.” “So I got my cosh and I went out looking for the first Black guy.” “Nothing happened. I came to my senses.” But the weird thing about that story is, who has a cosh? Who has a… [audience laughing] But it was touch and go. They canceled the premiere ’cause of the backlash. People wanted the film to be deleted, and I get it. Some people can’t separate the art form with the artist’s personal life. I know Liam. I’ve worked with him. He’s a lovely man. Definitely not racist. But when that broke, even I was like, “Oh, will I ever be able to find Schindler’s List funny again?” [audience laughing] I… I… I do still find it funny, obviously. [audience laughing] But now there’s so much outrage, and we hear about it, and it’s taken seriously, you know? There’s Oxbridge comedians writing for the posh papers, the rules of comedy, they’re laying it down, laying down the law. And it’s all stuff like, “Comedy should punch up. You should never punch down.” Sometimes you’ve gotta punch down, like if you’re beating up a disabled toddler. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] If you punch up, you’ll miss the little cunt. He’ll win. [audience laughing] I like that joke ’cause it highlights the difference between metaphorical punching down in jokes and actual punching down. But people nowadays want you to believe that words are actual violence, right? Now, you laughed at a joke about beating up a disabled toddler. No one got hurt. If I’d have actually dragged out a disabled toddler and started beating him up, you wouldn’t laugh, right? That’s why I dropped that bit. Um… [audience laughing] But these people are virtue signaling. They’re trying to bring people down to raise their own status, and they say, “No, we’re protecting minorities.” They’re basically saying minorities haven’t got a sense of humor, which is so patronizing. And I get that as well, what it’s like to be outnumbered. In this country, we’re still only 5% Black, 5% Asian, 5% LGBTQ, you know? Tiny numbers. Now, I’m a white, heterosexual multimillionaire, right? [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Um… There’s less than 1% of us. [audience laughing] But… do I whine? No! Do I… [audience laughing] I don’t mind. I just get on with it. “Come on, Rick. Come on, Rick!” “Just keep fi…” I’m like Rosa Parks, know what I mean? I’m like… [audience laughing] Except I fought for the right to never have to take a seat on a bus, but… [audience laughing] People complain about things they don’t have to watch. It doesn’t affect them, you know? And, again, everyone’s got the right to be offended and complain, but they’ve gotta know that we’re not trying to offend. That’s not our aim, you know? We’re tying to make you laugh. We’re trying to give you a good time. Here’s the deal, right? So I riff… If I say summat tonight that’s so offensive, that you’ve never heard anything so fucking off the charts in your life, don’t make a scene. Go to the box office after the show. They can’t give you your money back straight away. There’s a form you fill out with the complaint, and I take those away, and I shit on them. [audience laughing] So that’s the rules of comedy. [audience cheering and applauding] SuperNature. Why SuperNature? Well, for two reasons. One, I wanna debunk the supernatural. I don’t believe in anything supernatural. I believe that anything that exists is by definition part of nature and is explainable, if not now, then eventually. Also, SuperNature ’cause nature is super enough, you know? It’s… It’s amazing that we’re even here discussing it. We’re the only species that allows the universe to understand itself. The chances of us being here at all, the chances of you being you existing now, the chances of that sperm hitting that egg is 400 trillion to one. And I think life is like a holiday. We don’t exist for 13 and a half billion years, then we have these 80, 90 years if we’re lucky, then we die, never to exist again. Some people are even offended by that. They go, “You can’t say that. This can’t be chance.” “It’s too good. Someone must have made it all.” “I’m too special. I can’t just not exist.” “I’ll live again. I’ll, uh… I’ll go to heaven.” “I’ll be with my friends and family or come back as a spirit and walk amongst you.” “Or I’ll be reincarnated. I’ll come back as someone else.” That’d just be someone else. [audience laughing] That’s all that’s happened. You’re not involved. That is just… [audience laughing] …someone else, right? Many people believe in reincarnation, of course. Some people claim they remember who they were in a previous life. Um… There’s a society in America, of course… Um… [audience laughing] In California, of course, right? [audience laughing] And they remember who they were in a previous life. They’re always someone pretty special in their previous life. Not so much in the life they’ve got now, right? [audience laughing] But I saw a documentary about it, and every year, they have a “come as you were” party, where they go dressed as the person they were in history. Two Napoleons. [audience laughing] So at least one of ’em is fucking lying. [audience laughing] No reincarnation. No ghosts. You seen all the ghost hunter shows? Oh my God, hundreds of ghost hunter shows. Years and years. Celebrity Ghost Hunter. All around the world, thousands and thousands of hours of footage, they’ve never seen a fucking ghost. Not one. It’s all like, “What was that? Oh, it’s just the… No, not the…” [audience laughing] “Did you hear that? Oh, was it you?” “No.” [audience laughing] Imagine if wildlife programs were like that. [audience laughing] Imagine watching David Attenborough all these years and he goes, “Here on Kilimanjaro, we see…” “Oh, no, it’s not…” [audience laughing] “And by the banks of the Limpopo, the elusive…” “Oh, it’s not…” [audience laughing] You’d stop watching the cunt. [audience laughing] They’ve never seen a ghost. The pedo hunter shows, on the other hand… [audience laughing] There’s usually a couple in the crew just in case. [audience laughing] Particularly if it’s a BBC production. Oh shut up! [audience cheering and applauding] There’s no reincarnation, no ghosts, no heaven, I believe. People can’t get over that. People quiz me on Twitter when they find out I’m an atheist. They go, “You don’t believe in God at all?” I go, “No.” “Do you pray?” I go, “No.” They go, “Why don’t you pray just in case there’s a God?” I say, “Why don’t you put garlic over your door just in case there’s a Dracula?” [audience laughing] I got no problem with praying. I know loads of nice Christians and Muslims and Jews, and if one of my family is very ill, they say, “I’ll pray for them.” I say, “Thanks very much,” ’cause it’s a nice gesture. If they said, “We also canceled the chemotherapy,” I’d go, “Don’t do that. Don’t do that.” [audience laughing] “Pray? Fill your boots, son, but let’s…” [audience laughing] “Let’s do the praying and the chemotherapy, shall we?” “‘Cause that’s the same result as just the chemotherapy, so let’s… let’s definitely keep that one, shall we?” [audience laughing] I got in trouble talking about praying on Twitter. Remember a few years ago, that terrible disaster in Oklahoma, the hurricane? People lost their lives, their livelihood, and I donated to the Red Cross. I tweeted about it with a link saying, “You can donate here too,” trying to help them, and one of those frivolous entertainment magazines from America, their account tweeted this thing that annoyed me. They tweeted, “Beyoncé and Rihanna send prayers to Oklahoma.” And I tweeted back going, “I feel like a cunt. I only sent money.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Someone tweeted me once, “Would you come to the bedside of a dying child and tell them there’s no heaven?” I tweeted back, “Is it a paid gig?” [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] Oh… [audience laughing] I don’t care whether you believe or not, what you believe in, who you pray to. Doesn’t affect me. I just think that nature is super enough, you know? I don’t think we need angels and unicorns. We’ve got the fucking octopus. That actually exists. Eight legs, nine brains, three hearts, and a beak. Make your fucking mind up! What are you doing? The duck-billed platypus, a monotreme. When scientists first found that, they thought it was a hoax ’cause it produces eggs and milk. It could make its own custard. It doesn’t, but it… it could. [audience laughing] It could. It definitely could. [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] But even though we know the chances of us existing at all are astronomical and that life is so short, we waste so much of it worrying about stuff, about things that might never happen, about things that won’t matter in a week, let alone a year or ten years. I’m terrible. I worry. I’m a worrier. I lay awake at night thinking, “What if…” and all that, and I hate being stressed. So I try and rule stress out of my life, which is really stressful ’cause I have to have a plan A and a plan B and a plan C. And if I do all my work, at home, I go, “Right, militant. No work. Just relax.” “Just a glass of wine. Just relax.” If summat comes through the door, I’m like, “What the fuck’s that?” [audience laughing] It’s usually money. [sighs] Um… [audience laughing] Right. [laughs] And Jane, my girlfriend, she’s like, “Let’s have a look, shall we?” She tries to calm me down. I’ve been with Jane now nearly 40 years. And we’ve… [audience cheering] Thank you. And we’ve always had cats ’cause Jane read early days that a cat will make you live longer, de-stress you, stops you having a heart attack and stroke if you’re wound up. She was basically trying to save my life. So we got cats. We’ve always had cats. I think it works. Like, if I’m really stressed, I go, “Where’s the cat?” Right? Fell asleep. “Wake up!” [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] “What?” So, no, then I stroke the cat, and I’m thinking, “Oh, I’m stressed.” “Look, she’s so unstressed.” And I think, “That’s unfair,” and that stresses me out a little bit. I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. She’s got nothing. No conscience, no guilt. You will never see a cat feeling guilty. You will never go into a room and see a cat like that, “That’s fucked up.” [audience laughing] You go, “What’s the matter?” “What’s the matter?” “Yeah.” “All the fucking shit in there. That’s what’s the matter, mate.” [audience laughing] “Like what?” “Like… like that bloody mouse I killed.” [audience laughing] “Probably had a family, didn’t it?” [audience laughing] “Probably, yeah.” “I didn’t have to torture it first.” [audience laughing] They don’t give a fuck. [audience laughing] If a cat was big enough, it would kill you and eat you. They’re the opposite to dogs. This sums up the difference between cats and dogs once and for all. The cat has got a barbed penis. True. Google it. Careful. Right, but… [audience laughing] A barbed penis, right? Two reasons. One, it holds the female in place during mating. So it slides in easy, then it goes, “Oh, run? Oh, you can’t.” [audience laughing] And, two, when it withdraws, that pain causes the female to ovulate. Think of a different way, mate. And that makes me think maybe there is a God ’cause, I mean, maybe he did cats and dogs ’cause they’re… He went, “Boom, there you go.” “Cats and dogs, you’re ballpark furry mammals.” “You live at home. It’s a good gig. You get fed. “What sort of penis were you… hoping for? “Dog.” “Doesn’t matter.” “Whatever you… It’ll be the best penis ever.” “Just summat that matches my onesie, just a little, uh…” [audience laughing] “Maybe a little furry mound. Summat lady dogs would like.” “A little furry mound with a little pink lipstick in it.” [audience laughing] “Furry lipstick. Good choice.” [audience laughing] “Cat.” “Gimme a fuck-stalk with hooks.” [audience laughing] The cat is the only animal that domesticated itself. It’s true. Just wandered into civilization about 10,000 years ago and went, “Meow! Feed me,” right? They made the meow up for us. They don’t do that in the feral state. “Meow!” They learned that we… “Aw!” And it works. My cat goes, “Meow!” “Aw!” I let my cat do anything it wants. It can sleep or go where it wants. If we get a parcel in the post, if I undo it, right, and if she gets in the box, “Aw!” I can’t throw it away. We got about 17 all over the… mansion. Um… [audience laughing] And if we’re watching telly, me and Jane, if it gets in our lap, such a privilege, we don’t move. Even if we need a wee, we don’t wanna disturb it. The other one gets the drinks all night. “Aw!” And people say to me, “You spoil that cat.” I go, “Yeah, I do. It’s a cat.” It’s not a person. What’s the worst that can happen if you spoil a cat? It doesn’t grow up to be fucking Boris Johnson. It’s… [audience laughing] No, I don’t… I don’t get political. Um… Although he is out of his depth, okay? [audience laughing] I mean, he started off by saying women in burkas look like postboxes. Now, it’s not up to Boris Johnson what a Muslim woman wears on her face. It’s up to her husband. [audience laughing] Not… Not my rules. Not my rules. [audience laughing] This won’t be in the special. Um… [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] [audience applauding] Edit. [audience laughing] Yeah, cats, in’t they? [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] No, I… I do love cats. Um… I really love dogs. We haven’t got a dog ’cause we travel too much, usually. But wherever we are in the world, New York or London, we go for a walk every day just to meet dogs, in Central Park or Hampstead Heath. I know about 200 dogs by name now, and you always meet a few of your little friends, and it sets me up for the day. It’s like my fucking heroin. And if you meet a brand-new dog, you go, “Hello,” he’s never met you before, and if you’re nice to it, he’s just met you, and suddenly you’re best… He’d do anything for you. “Need a kidney?” They are amazing, dogs. It makes me laugh, that sign people put on their house, “Beware of the dog.” That makes me wanna go in the house to meet it. So if you wanna keep me out of your house, put up a sign that says, I dunno, “Beware of the AIDS,” you know? [audience laughing] Although that’s not as good as it was, is it, AIDS? No, seriously, it’s like all diseases let you down, but that was… I mean, in its heyday, it was fucking amazing, wasn’t it, AIDS? [audience laughing] Coronavirus? Fuck off. That couldn’t… couldn’t hold a candle to AIDS. [audience laughing] In the ’80s, two blokes talking, it would be, “Oh, will you suck my cock?” “Fuck off. You’ve got AIDS. I’d die.” Now it’s, “Give it here. I’ll take pills for the rest of my life.” There’s no… [audience laughing] But the bigots jumped on it in the ’80s, the Christian right, all fundamentalists, actually, by going, “This is God’s wrath.” “This is God’s punishment for homosexuality.” Imagine thinking that. What are you imagining in your head to think that’s true? So you think God’s in heaven, do you, and he’s looking down on civilization, and he suddenly goes, “I’m sick of all this bumming”? [audience laughing] “I mean, what the…” “Oh, come on, lads! What’s going… What?” [audience laughing] “Oh, look at…” “I’ve warned ’em. It’s in the Bible.” “No bumming.” Not in those words. [audience laughing] Leviticus 28:11. “Any man who lieth with another man as he doth a woman, they are both an abomination and shall surely be put to death.” Basically, no bumming, right? [audience laughing] So he went, “They’re taking the piss. I’ve gotta do summat.” “I know. AIDS.” Like that. Like he did with light, just like, “Oh, it’s dark. What can I do?” “Light,” right? “Let there be light.” The same with this. “Let there be AIDS.” “And there was AIDS.” Not on earth, but up in his laboratory, right? So he’d made the AIDS, all there, horrible little things, right, “There you are.” [growls] You couldn’t see ’em, but he could see ’em. [growls] Like that, right? And he went, “Right, you’re AIDS.” They went, “We’re what?” He went, “You’re AIDS.” They went, “What’s that?” “It’s, like, the worst disease ever.” They went, “Oh, brilliant.” And he went… Netflix have already bought this. Fuck ’em, right? [audience laughing] “You’re AIDS.” “Right, what do we do?” “Right, I want you to kill homosexuals.” “Why?” “I don’t like watching ’em.” [audience laughing] “Don’t watch ’em, then.” “I’ve got no choice. I’m omnipresent, so…” “I’m watching 50 million people bumming right now.” [audience laughing] “So, you know…” “Right. So what do we do?” “I’m gonna put you down on earth.” “Where?” [sighs] “Africa, right?” [audience laughing] “Why Africa?” “They’re dying anyway.” [audience] Oh! That’s not me saying that, is it? That’s God. That’s God saying that. [audience laughing] [sighs] [audience laughing] “Where… where in Africa?” “Oh, just in an arse, right? I’m gonna put you in…” [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] “I’m gonna… “”In all the shit?” “Yes, yes. I’m gonna put you in an arse.” “That is where you’re gonna do a lot of your best work through the 1980s.” [audience laughing] “Right? So I’m gonna cram you in an arse, right?” “Then what?” “Right.” “If a cock comes in, that shouldn’t be there, right?” “Get in the cock as well.” [audience laughing] “What, all of us?” “No.” “Some of you get in the cock, some of you stay in the arse in case another cock comes along.” [audience laughing] “And if I know this arse, there will be another cock.” [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] “So some of us get in the cock, some of us stay in the arse.” “Yeah.” “Then what?” “Kill ’em both, right?” [audience laughing] “So kill all homosexuals?” “Exactly.” “What, even lesbians?” “No, not lesbians, right?” [audience laughing] “Why?” “‘Cause I like watching them.” [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] [audience applauding] [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] But all diseases let you down eventually, not just AIDS. Um… After AIDS, it was SARS, wasn’t it? Remember SARS? “Ooh, gonna wipe out humanity.” Didn’t. Then, uh, Ebola, the flesh-eating disease. “Ooh, Ebola’s come to London!” Some nurse got hot for the weekend and that was it, right? Then Zika virus. Remember those babies born with half a head? “Zika virus!” “Don’t worry about it.” “Oh, I’m pregnant!” “Start knitting a hat.” [audience laughing] You know? Talking of abortion, um… [audience laughing] Now, I don’t wanna divide the room, um, but I’m pro-choice. I don’t think it’s anything to do with me or any man what a woman does with her body. But on the… [cheering] Thank you. On the flip side, there are people who are anti-abortion. Not just people who wouldn’t have it for themselves. They want no one to have it. There’s a small percentage that are really militant. Of those, there’s a small percentage that are fucking… There’s ones in America that are like terrorists. They bomb abortion clinics, put fetuses through your door, and they’ve got this propaganda machine that goes, “Liberals, they’re aborting babies at nine months, pulling them out of the vagina, liquidizing them.” Like, crazy conspiracy theory, right? And now they’ve got the Internet. So they’ve got fonts and memes. It’s like science to them. And this thing goes round. You’ve probably seen it. It goes… I’ve heard different derivations of it, like, “This was a real lecture,” or, “This was a real questionnaire.” Nonsense. It’s all made-up. It goes like this. “A woman is pregnant. She already has five children.” “Two are deaf. Two are blind.” “One is mentally retarded.” “She has syphilis. Should she have the baby?” “No?” “Well done. You’ve just killed Beethoven.” [audience laughing] What are you talking… That makes no fucking sense at all. Okay, keep it fair. Let’s do the opposing… So, okay, there’s another woman. She’s pregnant. Two children, great hearing, great eyesight, really smart. She hasn’t got syphilis. Should she have the baby? Yes? Well done. You just gave birth to Hitler. [audience laughing] Now, I don’t wanna divide the room, but I’m not a fan of Hitler. Um… [audience laughing] Hear me out. I’ve got my reasons. Listen, listen, listen. And it’s sci-fi. Whenever I see a sci-fi series, there’s always one where they invent the time machine and they go back in in time and try to kill Hitler. And if they’re successful, they come back to the present, and it’s worse ’cause they’ve mucked up the time-space continuum. Of course it is. You change the slightest thing in history, it has a catastrophic effect. I wouldn’t change anything, even if I could. My life’s too good. I can’t take that chance. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] If scientists came to me and went, “We’ve sorted it.” “You don’t have to go back in time. Just press this button.” “It kills Hitler before the Holocaust, before the war.” “The present is exactly the same, except it makes you a bit more ginger,” I’d go, “No.” [audience laughing] “Why should I suffer?” [audience laughing] But whenever you see one of those fluff pieces, whenever they ask in one of those questionnaires celebrities do, there’s, “What’s the first thing you’d do if you had a time machine?” They all say, “Oh, I’d go back and kill Hitler.” Really? You’d go back and buy Microsoft shares, you fucking liar, right? [audience laughing] I’ve interviewed people on my radio show in America, and I always ask that question for a laugh, and they all say, “Oh, I’d go back and kill Hitler.” I go, “People tried at the time.” And now they say, “Oh no, I’d go back and kill him when he was a baby.” So you’d go back and find baby Hitler, right, who hasn’t done anything wrong yet, and just strangle him? [audience laughing] Also, have you seen Hitler when he was a baby? Oh my God, absolutely adorable. Look at that. [audience laughing] Look at his little face! [audience laughing] You’d go back, and you’d go, “Is that Hitler?” “Yeah.” You’d go, “Oh, you little Nazi, you!” [audience laughing] I know what you’re thinking. Why have I got a picture of… [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] …baby Hitler on my phone? That’s my business. Um… [audience laughing] What if I do masturbate over it? [audience laughing] What? What if that’s the only thing I masturbate over? There’s no victim, no crime. You could call the police now, have them come to my house, and they’d say, “We heard you admitted you’re a nonce.” I’d go, “Yeah, but only for pictures of dead baby Hitler,” right? I’d go, “Check the rule book.” And they’d go, “Yeah, good as gold.” [audience laughing] Right. “Do you wanna see where I masturbate?” “Yeah, go on.” So I take them down to the wanktorium, right? [audience laughing] It’s basically a converted wine cellar. But it’s that picture blown up 100 times, right, just around the walls, like that, dripping with 40 years of come. [audience laughing] I’ve only lived there five years, so I don’t know… [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] That won’t be in. Um… [audience laughing] No, but, uh, people do have a problem with Hitler. Um… [Ricky laughs] [audience laughing] They wanna go back and kill him, and I say, “Chill.” “Hitler is the man who killed Hitler, in’t he?” Give him his due. Due. D-U-E. [audience laughing] I don’t worry about dying. Um… Or I don’t worry about being dead ’cause I won’t know about it. That is the best thing about being dead. You don’t know about it. It’s the same as being stupid, right? [audience laughing] It’s only painful for others, right? I worry about how I die. I don’t wanna die alone in agony, or I don’t wanna be found in a wardrobe hanging by a belt, wearing ladies’ tights, covered in amyl nitrate, know what I mean? I’m not into that shit, so if I am found like that, just know that one of my mates has stitched me up, right? [audience laughing] I don’t worry about dying. I don’t do anything towards not dying, if you know what I mean. I eat and drink too much every day, have done for 40 years. Day and night, I eat and drink too much. People say to me, “Rick, if you gave up the booze, you’d live an extra ten years.” I go, “But they’re the last ten years, the shit ten years.” I don’t want them, right? If I gave up booze now and I made it to 80 and someone said, “You can have an extra ten years,” if I could go, “Oh, great, I’ll have 20 to 30 again,” that’d be perfect, but, no, you gotta have 80 to 90. Have you any idea how awful it is being 90, right? I’ve seen 90-year-olds sitting in an armchair, and they go, “Argh!” And you go, “What?” They go, “I’ve broken every bone in my body!” ‘Cause they’re brittle. They’ve got dust for blood. They bruise up blood clots. They got hernias popping out everywhere, right? If you’re 90 years old and you get to the kitchen by yourself to make a cup of tea, if you lift that kettle and it’s too full, there’s a very good chance your stomach’ll come out of your arsehole. [audience laughing] So eat and drink as much as you want and just fucking die is my advice. [audience cheering and applauding] Thank you. [laughs] I should say I’m not a doctor. [laughing] [audience laughing] I do see a doctor once a year or once every two years. I have to have medicals for things like this and TV shows, and, uh, I go private, right? It’s 600 quid. It’s three hours long. But they do everything. Blood sample, stool sample, urine sample, ECG, ears, nose, throat, bollocks, the finger. Everything, right? And you have to fill out this big form, write a lifestyle thing. That takes fucking ages. I tell the truth, except units of alcohol. I work those out, then I halve them, right? [audience laughing] And when he gets to those, he still goes, “That’s an awful lot.” [audience laughing] And I think I’ve won. I go, “Is it?” [audience laughing] And, uh, at the end of the three hours, they’ve got all the results back from the lab, and he’s got this big computer… It’s like body composition. And from there, they work out your percentage chance of a stroke, heart attack in one year, five years, ten years, and mine’s always about the same. It always gets worse with age. Nothing you can do about that. But I’m always like… I’m at the end of healthy weight. I’m just nearly obese. I’m just right, oh, like that. I was prediabetic once. I had to sort that out. And now I’m pre-gout, right? [audience laughing] Pre-gout, right? And so he tells you all that and goes, “So, what are we gonna do about this?” And I wanna go, “What do you mean, ‘we’?” “I’ve just made you 600 quid, mate, right?” [audience laughing] “You’re gonna fix it, and I’m gonna carry on.” You don’t take a car to the garage and he goes, “Tires are bald.” “Big end’s gone. What are we gonna do?” “You’re gonna fix it, mate, and I’m gonna pay you.” [audience laughing] He went, “You need more fiber in your diet.” I wanted to go, “Get me wine with fiber in it, then.” “I can afford anything. You must be able to invent that.” He said, “You’re heavily constipated.” I wanted to go, “Get in there with a spoon, son.” [audience laughing] And then they always leave it right to the end. They don’t even look up. They go, “And can I give you a rectal exam?” Which means I have to go, “Yes, please.” I just… I want them to surprise me on the way out. “Bye.” “Bye.” “And that’s fine.” “Thank you.” [audience laughing] But there’s a big build-up. And as they’re washing their hands, they’ve gotta say, “Oh, um, would you like a chaperone?” So you’re gonna have your finger up my arse, and now you got a mate watching? No, just do it. [audience laughing] And they lay you on this bench, on your back to start with, pants and trousers round your ankles, knees apart like a little frog. [audience laughing] And they do the balls first, right. And I’m nervous at a doctor, I’m really nervous, so I’ve got no balls, right? [audience laughing] He has to dig them out like a tortoise’s head, know what I mean? It’s just like a little fist of fear down there. It’s… [laughs] And I fucking hate it. I go… [gagging] Like that, right? [audience laughing] I still… It’s horrible, right? And then they turn you on the side and lube you up and go… the finger up the arse. That’s great. Not great. That’s not why I go, but… [audience laughing] “Me again.” “You were here yesterday.” “Come on.” [audience laughing] But this one time, it was an old man, and… It was still a doctor, not just an old man. [audience laughing] “Doctor said he couldn’t make it, so I thought I’d… I’d have a go.” [audience laughing] There was a sort of, like, old-school GP. He was about 75, little shirt and tie, tweed jacket. And he was sitting on an armchair, and he didn’t put me on the bench. I was just standing up, and he went, “Just pop your pants and trousers down.” So I just… So he was little… So he was head-height to my balls, and, as I say, I’m nervous at the doctor, so I jabber. I talk. I think, “If I put ’em off, they won’t find the cancer.” And so he started doing the balls, and I went, “What are you looking for there, exactly?” And they usually go, “Shush,” and they go… And he didn’t. He went, “That’s a good question.” And he sat back, and he started telling me all about cancer. So now I’m just having a chat, right? [audience laughing] And he went on for ages. He was loving it, right? And I remember it felt rude to do that, so I was going, “Oh, right, right.” [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] I do work out a bit. Um, I actually joined a gym, literally on my road, I discovered. I’ve got a gym in my house. I got bored with that. I, uh… But I thought, “If I join the gym, if I pay a year in advance, I’ll try and get value for money. That’ll make me go.” Then I remembered, “Oh, I’m fucking rich. It doesn’t…” [audience laughing] I could join a different gym every day for a laugh. Just go along and go, “There’s £2,000.” “See you tomorrow.” “You’ll never see me again.” [audience laughing] And, uh, I go about once a month, and I sort of do ten minutes on the machines, and I run home, like that. I don’t use the changing rooms. I’ve got a thing about public changing rooms. I always have, and I’ll tell you why. I don’t know if it’s the same in ladies’ changing rooms, but men are so proud of their offal, right? If I’m in a public place, I have a shower, one minute, towel, corner, pants on, right? There’s blokes walking around naked before the shower, talking. “How you doing?” After the shower. There was one bloke in the shower way too long. He took ages, right? And he got out, no towel, just dripping wet, just went up to the mirror and started doing his hair first. [audience laughing] There was me and this really fat bloke once in the changing room. I was getting changed, and he was really big. Like, 350 pounds, right? And he was naked on one of those precision scales. And he was there for fucking ages like that, and I was… He was like that for ages. I wanted to run over and go, “Mate, you’ll never be an astronaut.” [audience laughing] “It doesn’t need to be this accurate. “Just pop some pants on and take a fucking gram off.” I’m not having a go at fat people. As I say, I’m fat. I’m overweight. Know why? ‘Cause I eat and drink too much. That’s what does it. I don’t judge fat people. I just know how they got fat. If I see a fat person, I go, “Well done,” you know? “You’ve eaten way more than you’ll ever need, same as me,” right? If I see a fat couple, I go, “Yeah, that works,” right? But then as they’re walking along and you see their little fat toddlers and you go, “Aw, that’s not fair,” right? [audience laughing] And the mother always goes, “They love cake.” ‘Course they love cake! They’re baby mammals. We’re the same species as we were, like, 200,000 years ago. We’ve got a hunter-gatherer brain, right? All this affluence is so much faster than our human biology. So when you get one of those cakes from the supermarket that’s packed with fats and sugar, your brain goes, “Fucking hell, that’s amazing!” “Keep eating that. There might not be food tomorrow.” But there will be food tomorrow. The fridge is full, and your mum’s on the phone to Ocado. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] Now there’s even a stigma. Doctors get in trouble for saying to someone, “You’re overweight.” No, that’s a political… No, it’s like fat shaming. You don’t get cancer shaming. He’s trying to save your life. There was a school that tried to ban the word “obese” ’cause they said it was derogatory to… I don’t know what to call ’em. Um… [audience laughing] Round children, right? [audience laughing] But that’s the polite word. That’s the word we invented so we didn’t say “fat little fucker.” Don’t… Don’t keep changing words ’cause one person gets offended. Also, fat people aren’t offended by the word “obese.” They did it all. They’re jolly, aren’t they? They’re jolly. You see a fat boy, you go, “All right, fatty?” [laughing] “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” [audience laughing] [laughing] “Oh yeah!” Blop, blop, blop. [laughing] “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!” And they go to the doctor. “Come in.” [laughs] Blop. [laughs] Doctor goes, “Fuck me.” Oh. [laughs] “Am I obese?” [laughing] “No, you’re morbidly obese.” [laughing] [audience laughing] “What does that mean?” [laughs] “Means you’ll die of it.” “Oh, does it?” “All right.” [audience laughing] “What, straight away, or…” “No, you’ve got diabetes, so you’ll have your legs amputated soon.” “And if you carry on, you’ll die later of stroke and respiratory, heart failure.” “Oh, right.” [audience laughing] “Is there anything I can do?” “Of course. Start working out and eat healthy.” “You’ll be right as rain.” “Oh, right.” “But you won’t, will ya?” [audience laughing] “No. No.” I feel sorry for them, even though it’s their fault. When you see one of those documentaries on telly, like The 600 Pound Man or summat, and he’s being winched out of his house to go to hospital, right? If you’re dangling from a crane, right… [audience laughing] Right? [audience laughing] And you see a film crew, right… [audience laughing] [Ricky sighs] …you know you fucked it. [audience laughing] And then, you know, as I say, they wake up the next day. They’ve had their legs amputated. It’s really sad, and they’re crying, and I’m crying. They’re going, “Why did I let it go this far? I’m so stupid.” Then they get philosophical about it, and they go, “I never really used the legs, so…” [audience laughing] And by then, it’s lunchtime, and so… [audience laughing] And they go to the nurse, “Didn’t throw them legs away, did you?” [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Guys, do you ever act more working class around builders? [audience laughing] I do. I can be walking around leafy Hampstead, right. Book of poems, right. [audience laughing] Scarf, right. [audience laughing] Just humming Brahms, right. [audience laughing] And some scaffolders go, “Ricky!” “All right, cunts! How you doin’, boys?” [audience laughing] And I don’t know why I do it. [laughing] I don’t know why… why I try and impress them. I’ve always been fascinated with human behavior, right? But as I said at the beginning, we’re the only species that allows the universe to understand itself. But we see all nature through our eyes, so it all comes back to us. Why are we here? What makes us? Is it our genetics or the environment? The old nature versus nurture argument. The psychologist Piaget was once asked, “What’s more important for the intellect of a person? Nature or nurture?” And he replied, “What’s more important for the area of a field?” “Length or width?” All right, if you don’t know the answer, just fucking… [audience laughing] But psychology, psychiatry, neuroscience, it’s still in its infancy, and we still know so little about the brain. And 150 years ago, we knew nothing. It was just… It was all guesswork, right? And, uh, like, everything was just mental. If you weren’t a white, heterosexual, married, Christian man, right, if you deviated too far, “Mental.” They just went, “Mental,” like that. Homosexuality? “Mental. Mental illness.” You were put in an asylum for life, or worse, tortured. Women who fell pregnant out of wedlock, “Mental.” Asylum for life, right? And now we understand things more. We’re more tolerant. We’re… I think it’s going too far the other way, though, because now nothing’s mental. You can’t find summat that someone’s… Nothing is considered mental. Everything is a syndrome or an addiction or a preference, right? I could have my legs removed, have wheels put on, identify as a pram, right… [audience laughing] And if you say I’m mental, you’re a bigot, right? [audience laughing] That’s a bit hack, that joke, now, isn’t it? “Identify as a thing, then.” It’s a bit old-fashioned, but I’m gonna leave it in to annoy people, right? Because that’s the bit that’ll offend people. Same as humanity. I talk about AIDS, famine, cancer, the Holocaust, rape, pedophilia, but the one thing you mustn’t joke about is identity politics. The one thing you should never joke about is the trans issue. “They just wanna be treated equally.” I agree. That’s why I include them. [audience laughing] You know? [audience cheering and applauding] But they know I’m joking about all the other stuff, but they go, “No, he must mean that,” right? Like a joke is a window to the comedian’s true soul. It’s just… That’s just not the case. I’ll take on any view to make the joke funniest. I’ll pretend to be right wing. I’ll pretend to be left wing. I’ll pretend to be clever. I’ll pretend to be stupid. Whatever makes the joke funnier, without prejudice. Okay, full disclosure. In real life, of course I support trans rights. I support all human rights, and trans rights are human rights. Live your best life. Use your preferred pronouns. Be the gender that you feel that you are. But meet me halfway, ladies. Lose the cock. That’s all I’m saying. [audience laughing and applauding] That’s all… [audience applauding] [audience laughing] And it’s mad to think joking about summat means you’re anti-it. Like, I made a joke about self-ID. In fact, I wish self-ID had been around when I was a kid. I’d have used it to get shit. I’d have gone to my mum. “Mum, I’m trans.” She’d have gone, “What?” I’d have gone, “I’m either trans or I need a new bike.” [audience laughing] She’d have gone, “You need a new bike.” [audience laughing] I’d have gone, “You’re the boss.” [audience laughing] But I, uh… I grew up in the ’60s. Jesus. I had, like, Victorian parents. We hadn’t heard of any of this. But what if I was a teenager now in these really woke, progressive times, right, and I had really cool, hippie parents, right, and I went, “Mother, Father, I’m trans”? They’d go, “Oh goody, that’s so fucking trendy.” [audience laughing] And my dad would go, “Bagsy I pick the vagina.” I’d go, “Thank you, Daddy,” right? Pfft. Right? [audience laughing] Then there’d be a montage, and I’d go to hospital. I’d have all the electrolysis. I’d grow my hair. I’d have… I’d have a big fanny, I think. No. No, if someone else is paying, I’ll have the big one. Know what I mean? “Dad trying to buy me with minge. Fuck you, Dad.” Right? Big fanny, boobs, right, and, uh… Pfft. Right? [laughing] [audience laughing] No, I’d… I’d come out, and I’d emerge. I’d be a real woman. I’d be Vicky Gervais. I’d be Vicky Gervais, right? [audience laughing] Yeah. No, I’d be a real woman, right? And you can’t change your sexuality, so I find women attractive, so I’d be… I’d be a lesbian. I’d be a little lesbian fella called, um, Vicky Gervais, right? Right? And I’d probably be a butch lesbian ’cause of all the testosterone till then. Also, I like the fashion. Jeans, black T-shirt, short hair, beard! No, I’d be… No, I’d be a real lesbian called Vicky Gervais, lesbian about town, right? And so, I’d, uh… I’d go down to Brighton, right, and, uh, I’d go into a lesbian bar, right, and I’d go, “Hi.” Pool table. Winner stays on. I’d be there all fucking night. Voom. Right? [audience laughing] All right. This joke isn’t worth it for the punchline. The punchline is shit. So just enjoy the journey, right? [laughs] Anyway, so I look around, and I find one of those pretty lesbians. [laughs] This is so childish and misinformed, it hurts. I’m gonna leave it in though. Right, so… No, I’d find a pretty lesbian. I’d… [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] This is pathetic, right? Even for me. I can’t do this with a fucking straight face! Right, right, right… [Ricky laughing] And I’d go over like that. I’d go, “Hi. Are you a lesbian?” She’d go, “Yeah. Are you a lesbian?” I’d go, “Yeah, just a bit. Look at that.” [audience laughing] She’d go, “That is a lovely fanny.” I’d go, “Fucking cost enough.” She’d go, “What?” “Nothing.” And then I’d be wooing her, right? I’d be doing all the… [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] I’d be complimenting her on her lezzie ways. I’d go, uh… [audience laughing] I’d go, “Oh,” I’d go, “I love your Doc Martens,” right? She’d go, “Oh, thanks.” Pfft. Right? [audience laughing] [speaking indistinctly] Pfft. [audience laughing] I’d go, “Oh, those are big earrings.” “Yeah.” Right? Then she’d go, “Wanna come back to my place and lez off?” I’d go, “Yeah, just a bit.” So we go back. We get naked. I boob her up. I don’t know what… [audience laughing] Minge her off? I’d do that one. I’d do that one. Definitely do that one, right? I’d google it. I’d fucking google it, right? And I’d… Right. She’d go, “You wanna wear a strap-on dildo and give me a good seeing to?” I’d go, “Yeah.” So I’d put a strap-on on. I’d put the big dildo there on my new fanny like that and tie it at the back. And that’s when I’d kick myself. [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] [Ricky laughing] I told you it was shit, didn’t I tell you? [Ricky laughing] Oh God. [audience laughing] Oh. But one thing that isn’t ambiguous whether it’s nature or nurture is racism. No one’s born racist. You’ve gotta learn that shit, okay? And, okay, I don’t wanna divide the room. I’m not a fan of racism. Um… No, hear me out, right? I… I don’t care whether you’re Black, white, brown, European, African… You’re going, “That’s all right, Black, white, brown, European, African.” “What about the fucking Eskimos?” Racist, right? “They’re fucking weird, Rick.” They are not weird, just different. “They live in the snow.” Yeah, that is their little house, the snow. So? “They wear a dead sea lion for their clo…” Yes, that’s their clothes. A dead sea lion. But here’s the thing about racism. You drag one out of his hole in the snow and peel him out of his sea lion outfit, and he’s standing there naked, you take a closer look. He’s basically a cold Chinaman. [audience laughing] So… [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] I know you can’t say “Chinaman” anymore, right? [audience laughing] I can’t believe you ever could because that is the laziest labeling of a demographic I’ve ever heard. So the first one lands on our shores, and we gather round, going, “Where are you from?” And he goes, “China.” And we go, “Oh, you’re a Chinaman.” And he goes, “I’m a what?” “You’re a Chinaman.” “A Chinaman?” “Yeah.” “What’s my wife?” “Duh. Lady Chinaman.” [audience laughing] “Why don’t you call me by my name?” “I don’t know your name, do I?” “It’s Ling.” “Ling?” “Yeah.” “Is that your first name or your surname?” “Both.” [audience laughing] “Ling Ling?” “Herro?” [audience laughing] Right, no. Right. Right. [audience laughing] [Ricky laughs] Remember, irony. Okay? [audience laughing] Also, that’s not me saying that, is it? It’s the little Chinaman, innit? So… [audience laughing] If he’s all right with it, then… [audience laughing] That won’t be in. Right, okay. [audience laughing] Fucking hell, have I got anything for this fucking special? [audience laughing] Oh, this is all right. Right. Um… [audience laughing] Did anyone have a pedo teacher when they were at school? Yes, yeah. Yeah. [audience laughing] [laughs] Round of applause for pedo teachers, yeah! [audience cheering and applauding] Fucking hell. Unbelievable. [audience laughing] That’s another thing. I think whereas people are now trying to be so politically correct, they’re trying to out-woke each other, soon someone’ll say, “You can’t say ‘pedo’ anymore.” “It’s a derogatory term. It offends people who are child-addicted,” right? So you’re gonna have people going to the doctor going, “Doctor, I think I’m child-addicted.” Right? The doctor’ll go, “Oh, you poor thing. How do you feel?” “I feel like I wanna fiddle with kids.” [audience laughing] “That is one of the symptoms.” [audience laughing] “Don’t worry. Sit down.” “We’ll get you into a facility at taxpayers’ expense, and we’ll wean you off children.” “How does that work doctor?” “You know when they give heroin addicts methadone?” “Yeah.” “Well, we’re gonna start you on dwarfs, right?” [laughs] “It might work. It might…” [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] “It might work.” [Ricky laughing] [audience laughing] [laughs] [audience laughing] “How does that work?” “Let me think. I haven’t thought it through.” Right, okay. No. Um… “So what you do is come into the facility.” “We’ve hired loads of dwarfs, and we’re not open during the panto season.” “We can’t get the staff.” “So you… you come in… you come in Feb…” Shush. “You come in February to November, right?” [audience laughing] “We’ve hired loads of dwarfs, and we’ve dressed them up as schoolchildren, and they just run around the campus like that.” [laughs] “They’re free-range dwarfs.” [audience laughing] “They’re free-range dwarfs, and they look like they’re about six years old, but they’re above legal age. You’re not breaking the law.” “They’ve been paid. It’s consensual.” “You just go up to one you fancy, pull down his little trousers, fiddle…” “Hey, Doctor, I said I was a pedo. I didn’t say I was gay.” “Do you think there’s, like, homophobia in the pedophile community?” Like, one pedophile, he’s all smug. He’s heterosexual. He’s abducting a little girl. He’s taking a little girl into the forest. He sees another pedo with a little boy, and he goes, “You fucking bender.” [audience laughing] There’s a London borough that tried to ban registered pedophiles living within one mile of a school. Now, say what you will about pedos, but they’re not lazy. Know what I mean? [audience laughing] A lot of ’em are bus drivers. That’s nothing. [laughs] [audience laughing] You know? So this pedo teacher, right… True story, this. It was about 1976. I was about 14. And, uh, looking back, I feel a bit sorry for him ’cause he was probably late twenties, and he was a nervous sort of guy, and he was obviously gay, and he had a fling with one of the older boys, who might have been 16, 17. So now, would have been totally legal, but then, technically a nonce. Banished. Convicted. Never heard of again. Big scandal, right? And when it broke, I went home that day. My mum was there, and she went, “Did he touch you?” And I went, “No.” She went, “You sure?” I went, “Yeah.” She went, “He couldn’t have fancied you, then.” [audience laughing] So now my mum is winding me up about me not being attractive enough to be sexually abused, right? What if I had got a complex? What if I had thought, “I’ll show her”? [audience laughing] I’d come in at midnight. “Where you been?” “Sucking off bus drivers. That’s what you get.” [audience laughing] But that was typical of my mum. My mum, she was the salt of the earth, but she just said what she wanted, right? She’d do anything for you, but she reserved the right to moan about it. So, growing up, our next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dawson, she was about 25 years older than my mum. So when my mum was 60, this old lady was already, like, 85, 86. My mum was the last living witness to her existence. She lived alone. My mum did everything for her. Went shopping for her, did the housework. Made her lunch, sat with her for a while. She went back, made her tea. This went on and on. I remember calling home once. My mum was, like, 70. And I went, “I called earlier. You were out.” My mum went, “I was round Dawson’s.” I went, “Oh, how is she?” My mum went… [sighs] “She just won’t die, Rick.” [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] I have very fond memories of growing up in Reading, um, which is why… Yeah, why I never go back. [audience laughing] Wherever I am in the world, I bump into someone from Reading. “I’m a Reading boy.” “Oh good.” That should be enough, but it never is. They always want more. They say things like, “Oh yeah, you knows Norman Taylor, don’t you?” I never know this person. I go, “Oh, no.” They go, “Yeah, he knows you.” “Yeah, I’m on the telly, mate. Um…” [audience laughing] “You went to Ashmead School.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” “You knows Pete Shepherd.” “When was he there?” “1993.” “Yeah, I was 31, mate. I was…” [audience laughing] “He knows you.” “Does he?” “Has he got a telly?” “Yeah.” “That’s what’s happened here.” [audience laughing] But I do like old stories. I don’t tell showbiz stories. They’re boring to me. I like real stories. Whenever I’m working up a tour, I think of things that have happened to me and how my life’s changed. And I thought of one for this tour, and it was hugging, right? No one’s been hugging for the last couple of years, which I preferred. I liked that. I never liked hugging. I liked it when you couldn’t hug. It always felt awkward. I didn’t hug anyone growing up. I didn’t hug anyone till I came to London. A working class kid on an estate in Reading, you don’t hug people. You don’t hug your fucking dad, granddad, or your brother. You wind ’em up. You take the piss. That’s our hug, right? I’ll give you an example. We were at our dad’s funeral, and I was in the graveyard with my brother Bob. Bob was having a cigarette, and our uncle Mike came along. We hadn’t seen Mike for, like, 25 years. Last time we saw him, he was, like, 50, and now he’s, like, 75. He hadn’t aged well. He was an old man. And he came up to us and went, “Hello, boys.” And Bob sort of looked at him and recognized him and went, “Fuck me,” like that. And then Bob looked around the graveyard and went, “Is there any point you going home?” [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] Right? [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] And Uncle Mike laughed and went, “Always nice to see you, Bobby.” And that was their hug. Know what I mean? I’ll give you another example. When I left school, my best mate was a bloke called Mark. We did everything together. We took a year out before college to earn money to get pissed, really. And we did. It was the best summer ever. And, uh… But then summat happened. His, uh… His grandmother died, and he lived… he lived with her, so it was a big deal. And, uh, he went to the funeral, and the first place he came after the funeral was my house. He sat down in his little black suit, and he was just quiet. I didn’t know what to say. No hugging, right? So I went, “How was it?” He went, “It was awful.” Said, um, “She was cremated, and we all went outside to watch the smoke go up, and the wind changed, and it all blew in our faces, right?” [audience laughing] And I went, “In your mouth?” He went, “Yeah.” I went… I took a chance. [audience laughing] I said, “Did it taste bitter?” And he went, “Yeah.” I went, “That was her clitoris.” [audience laughing] [Ricky laughing] Right? [audience laughing] And Mark just went, “Fucking hell, Rick,” like that, right? And then he started laughing. And that was our hug. Do you know what I mean? Oh. I’ll leave you with one final story, right? It’s another true story. If I say they’re true, they are. I promise, they’re all true. And, uh… My favorite are the school stories, and this is probably my favorite school story ever. It was 1976 again, so, uh, I was about 14, and we had a kid in our class called Gary Masterman. And Gary developed Tourette’s syndrome. Every sentence had a swear word in it. He had a tic. We learned all about it in assembly. Gary was up there. All the teachers, all the kids knew him. He was a popular lad, right. And, um… Yeah, nice guy, Gary Masterman. But sometimes his tics seemed relevant. I’ll never forget, we were having this lesson with a young female teacher called Miss Wilkie. She was at the blackboard. She was doing calling-out suggestions. Can’t remember what it was about. She’d go, “Simon, what do you think?” “Yeah, that’s good. Yes, that works. Brian, what do you…” “Yeah. Yeah, good. Yeah.” And she went, “Gary.” He went, “I’ll finger you, miss.” [audience laughing] And she just went, “Anyone else?” [audience laughing] And she pointed to Sean Dixon, and Sean went, “Yeah, I’ll finger ya.” [audience laughing] You’ve been amazing. Good night. [audience cheering and applauding]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-nothing-special-transcript/

Norm was working hard preparing material for his Netflix special – until COVID shut things down. In the summer of 2020, he was scheduled to undergo a procedure and as he put it, “didn’t want to leave anything on the table in case things went south.” At home, the night before going in, he shot this – in one take. [Lori Jo] Talk, talk. Hello there, everybody. That sounds good to me… [Lori Jo] Okay. …through my earphones… [Lori Jo] All right. Good. [Lori Jo] The boom’s a little loud. I’ll turn that down. Just give me a second. [dog barking] [Norm] Lori Jo. Do you like where my hand comes in? [Lori Jo] I’m not watching the camera. Oh. Okay. [Lori Jo] Testing, testing. [Norm] Testing, testing. [Norm] We don’t know where… [Lori Jo] You were talking about… [Norm] I know where. [Norm] Okay. Hey, everybody. It’s Norm Macdonald. And this is my comedy special. That’s right. Now, of course I’m looking forward to getting back out there, you know. Seeing you folks in person, you know. I love doing gigs. And I miss it. My God, I miss it. Especially casinos. Those were my favorite gigs because I’m a degenerate gambler as it turns out. I think the casinos know that. Often they’ll pay me in chips. Which I find… that’s not nice, you know? Sometimes they’ll just give me a real big chip. They’ll go, “Here you go!” Then they break it in half. They go, “Have fun!” I go, “Goddamn, guys.” That’s not nice. But, anyways, I prefer the Indian casinos. That’s what I like. You know? Because I don’t want to give my money… If I’m gonna lose money, and I’m gonna lose money, I don’t want to do it in Las Vegas to a bunch of corporate businessmen. I would rather go to an Indian casino and lose it to the Native Americans. You know? On account of my forefathers systematically murdered them years ago. Which looking back on it… way out of line. Way out of line. Anyways, I look at it as a form of reparations. You know? I tell you, I’ve done my part, Goddamn it. Probably done your part too. Anyways… I love casinos. I was in Las Vegas, the last time I was there… People go to Vegas sometimes and they got a system. You know? They go, “I got a system, I’m gonna break the bank ’cause I figured out a system.” And oftentimes these systems actually do not work at all. And I think that I saw the unraveling of a system. Sometimes all you need to hear is like a snippet of conversation and you can infer from that information, more. You know what I’m saying? For instance, one time I walked past these two homeless guys. One guy said to the other, “When the fuck were you ever goaltender for the Montreal Canadians?” He was tired of the horseshit. It was the last straw. But anyways, I think I heard what was the unraveling of a system. On account of I got in the elevator, it was going down, and then a couple got on, a man and a woman. And then tension, you know? So it was just the four of us. And we’re going down the elevator. Out of the blue, out of nowhere, the man says to the woman, “I don’t give a fuck what I said, give me the money.” “That’s my money.” So I believe, I’m only inferring, once again, I have no proof that that… But here’s the thing about gambling. It’s irrational, you know? You gotta– you can’t be rational to actually gamble, because it doesn’t make no sense, you know? And I remember I was at the– one time I got… I went– I was walking down and I saw a roulette table. Now, I don’t know if you know the game of roulette. How could you not know the game of roulette? [laughs] It’s not that hard. But anyways, I put a hundred dollars on black. You know? And the little silver ball spun around the wheel and everything, and then it landed on red. This is what I said, “Fuck, I almost picked that!” But I do miss being out on the road, you know? Seeing you folks live, you know? I mean, I’m all alone looking in the TV. It doesn’t make much sense. But what– that’s what it is. You know, I’ll tell you one thing I don’t miss is airplanes. I don’t like airplanes. I finally figured out why. After years of therapy I figured out why I don’t care for the airplanes. I don’t like the crashing and dying in the airplane. That’s what it is. You know? Hey, by the way, I got a little tip for you if you fly on an airplane. Always pick the exit row. Choose the exit row. That way you get the extra two, three inches of legroom. And all you have to do to get the exit row is to lie. That’s right. You just lie. You know? The stewardess comes up. Flight attendant! [laughs] Flight attendant. I apologize. Words are different now. When I was young, if you were a flight attendant, and you were a lady, we would call you a stewardess. And, if you were a flight attendant and you were a man, we would call you a… Wait, what? What are you guys thinking? Good Lord! What’s wrong with you? I’m outraged. I’m outraged, I tell you. I’m outraged at what you are thinking just ’cause I pause for a second. I was going to say a steward. If you were a flight attendant and you were a male, we used to call you a steward. You know? But words have changed, folks. That’s the way things go, man. They are always gonna be different. You know, words, they change. That’s why I can’t understand goddamn Shakespeare. You know? I remember one time when I was a little boy, I went up to my dad. I said, “Dad, I think I’m a little girl.” And he said, “I thought you had a cock.” I was like, “Oh, yeah. You got me.” Now, the only reason I tell you that is to show how hateful we were back then. You know what I’m saying? My dad– now, every person knows that people are nuanced. They’re not all evil or all good. You know? My dad did good stuff, you know? He was in the Second World War. You know, he fought Hitler. I mean, he had help. It wasn’t like he had a fistfight with Hitler. But I’m saying he liberated us from what could have been the icy grip of Nazism. How about that? So that was his good side, you know? His evil side was this crazy idea he had that having a cock had something to do with being a boy. I don’t even know where he could come up with such an idea. Nowadays, we can’t even wrap our heads around that kind of thinking. But people used to actually think that. Isn’t that something? Now, in other ways, my father was very progressive. For instance, we had a gender neutral bathroom. You know? I used it, my brother used it, my sister used it, my mother used it. Anybody. It didn’t matter what gender you were. You know what I was way ahead on? Slut-shaming. I was always, always against that. I remember telling the fellas in high school, I’d go, “Guys, I think we’re making a big mistake by shaming the sluts.” You see, here’s what is my concern. I feel if we shame them too much they might stop becoming sluts. You know? And further ladies might not want to be sluts either. I have a different idea. Other than shaming the sluts, it’s a different, it’s a bold idea, I say we take the sluts and we put them on our shoulders. And we go, “Oh, hail the slut!” ♪ For she’s a jolly good slut ♪ That kind of thing, you know? So I was way ahead of it, man, way ahead of it. But anyway, that’s not what I was talking about. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah, the airplane. Yes, yes, the airplane. Man, I don’t understand it, you know? They make all their announcements, you know? What are they? Why do they think we still believe that horseshit? You know? I heard one. I guess I just zone out because I haven’t heard it before. They say, “If your oxygen masks happen to fall, make sure to put your oxygen mask on first before you put the oxygen mask of the little boy.” And then, I’d go, “Yeah, that was my fucking plan. You didn’t have to tell everybody, blabbermouth.” I don’t know why they think we’re going to believe them. They’ll say, “Listen… I know we’re flying over the Pacific Ocean, but don’t worry, on account of if we happen to crash into the Pacific ocean, the seat cushions are not only seat cushions, they are also boats.” Yep, they’re boats. All the time, you turn on the TV and the guy goes, “Well, a plane crashed in the Atlantic, but it’s all right, everybody listened to that lady so they’re all on their boats.” People are going, “Goddamn, why’d I buy that boat? I should have just got a fleet of seat cushions. I would have saved all kinds of money.” [small chuckle] Here’s the thing. If you crash, let’s be honest for a second. If you crash in an airplane, you got zero chance of survival. They’ll take pictures of crash sites, take videos. You know? And they don’t even see anything. Because at that point you become just dematerialized. You know? You’re nothing, you’re stuff, basically. “Ashes to ashes, stuff to stuff,” as the Scriptures say. You know? And, uh… and then the victims, they’re called remains, you know, but stuff. And the victims’ families always want the remains. They go, “Oh, I can’t go to sleep because I keep thinking of poor Kevin and his last moments on this Earth. Spiraling downwards towards certain death. Oh! Oh, if only I could see his remains. Then I’d have a good sleep. Oh, I’d sleep soundly that night. Then I get closure and just forget this whole thing.” I don’t understand it, but that’s what they say. And really, do you think you’re going to get Kevin if you’re Kevin’s mother? Do you think they’re going to go on a plane and go, “Hey, look at that. Look over there. Doesn’t that look like Kevin’s hair? That lock of golden blonde– That looks like Kevin’s hair.” “Fred, didn’t you see Kevin’s thigh bone earlier? Let’s reconstruct him.” No, that’s not what they do. You know? Best thing they can do, maybe they’ll find your ID. “Look, it says Norm Macdonald. It says he weighs 190 pounds. Okay, shovel 190 pounds of stuff into a bag and write Norm on the side of that one, and hurry up. Daylight’s burning and his mother wants it.” Then my mother gets it. “Oh, look at that! That’s Norm. How about that? I don’t remember Norm having three ears. Oh, well. I guess none of us really knew him when you get down to it.” The only time it seems you ever survive an airplane crash is if you crash into the Andes. You know? That’s even worse. Because, you know, you– then you have to fight with the moral quandary of cannibalism. Which I am against, by the way. If you know anything about my work, you will know my tireless devotion to the anti-cannibalism cause. But I’m not going to use this as a bully pulpit. Most of you are adults and you’ve cemented your views on cannibalism. I like to go for the kids, you know? The young people. I go all across this great country, and I go to the schools and I talk to the children, you know? And I tell them, I go, “Listen… you might think it’s cool to eat your buddy in Algebra class. I’m not going to lie to you, you will be the talk of the school for a few years, but what about the future? What about the future?” I tell them. Here’s the problem with crashing in the Andes and having to resort to cannibalism is they take so long to decide. You know what I mean? They go, “Oh, I don’t want to eat a guy! Oh, I can’t do it.” You know? And, uh… “I can’t eat the copilot, I can’t do it.” You know? And then days go by, I go, “Hey, maybe we should eat the copilot.” You know? And, uh… finally, they are maddened by hunger and they just attack… [screams] And they got copilot blood all over them, copilot viscera falling out of their mouth on their pink shirts, you know? And… that’s no way to eat. You can’t gorge. Any dietician will tell you. You cannot gorge. The thing to do is graze. That’s the right way to eat. You know? You wake up, you have a small meal of copilot. Then, around lunchtime, you have a small meal of copilot. Then, around I think about six times during the whole day, you have a small portion of copilot. Any dietician will tell you, I tell you, not that I’m a dietician. I don’t pretend to be a dietician. Well, sometimes I do, but… it’s only to get the ladies, you know? The big fat ladies. I go up, I go, “Hey, you want to go on a diet? On account of I’m a dietician.” And then they leave with me sometimes. Sometimes they just get angry, you know? I don’t know. But, I don’t even know what I was talking about. Weren’t we talking about slut-shaming? I don’t know. Nobody knows anymore. Oh, I know, yes, the airplane! Yes. You know, you… this is the thing. You gotta be ready for anything life throws you in this here world. That’s what I’ve learned as I’ve aged. You know? And I’m ready. Like cannibalism? I know what I would do in the Andes on account of I’ve thought it over. I’ve thought over my position. You see what I mean? Like I flew in from Vegas, I remember, one time, and there was some turbulence. And I was like, “I’m eating that fucking fourteen year–“ [dog barking] The thing is, you got to be ready. You got to be ready for anything this world throws at you. You know? And, you know… and I am, you know? Like, I remember one time I was flying from Vegas to LA and there was a little turbulence, and I remember I said, “I’m going to eat that fucker in 14-A.” Oh, that guy looked delicious. [smacks lips] Big fat guy! [laughs] But, anyways, enough of this grim nonsense. You know what I mean? We got problems in this country. For instance, systematic racism. And here’s the problem, nobody thinks they’re racist. I remember I was in Portland one time. Portland, Oregon. And the driver picked me up to take me to the gig. I got off the airplane, the driver’s driving. And we’re driving through downtown Portland and he says, “You know, we got no racists in Portland. No racism at all.” And I looked around, everyone was white. You know? [chuckles] So I said to the guy, I said, “Well, it’s pretty easy not be racist when everybody’s white.” And then the guy says to me, he goes, “We got our share.” I’m like, “Good Lord!” “We got our share.” That’s not right. Why are all– not all, but a lot of drivers for some reason, like taxi drivers and something, turn out to be racists, you know? That’s what I hear a lot of, ’cause I don’t drive, so I’ll get in a cab and the guy’ll go, “You know what’s wrong with this country, don’t you?” And I go, “I got an idea. So what is it?” You ever have it when the guy says it and you don’t even know which race it is? Like I had a guy once, he goes, “You know what’s the problem in this country?” I go, “Tell me.” He goes, “Too many goddamn scuddleheads.” I was like, “Huh?” So I looked it up in the dictionary, in Wikipedia. Everywhere. I found scuddle. I found head. And I tried to put them together. I couldn’t understand it. I’ve asked people of every race. And no one has ever heard of the term “scuddlehead.” By the way, I would be fine if we just blamed all our problems on the scuddleheads. You know what I mean? Just make them the scapegoats. Why not? As a matter of fact, why not make the goats the scapegoats? Like in the old days. Yeah, sacrifice a goat. Make it his problem. He’s– that’s the one that’s at fault. That goat eating a tin can. But anyways, I’m not here to talk about goats. I don’t know why I’m here. [soft chuckle] You know what I’ve noticed lately? Everybody has an opinion. And I, you know, when I was young, it wasn’t that way, you know? People would have maybe, I don’t know, six opinions. You know? Sometime you’d meet a guy, he’d have eight opinions. You’d go, “Goddamn! That guy’s opinionated!” But about six opinions… and most of them were about food, you know? To tell you the truth. People would go, “Count Chocula? What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Stuff like that. You know, I mean, I have opinions… I mean, I have opinions that everybody holds. You know? Like, I don’t know. Yellow’s the best color. You know? I don’t know if you’d call that an opinion. It’s just a… [phone ringing] Oh, hold on, it’s my phone. [phone continues ringing] Hello. I got to phone you back on account of I’m doing a special. On the TV. Comedy special. So I’ll call you back, okay? Okay. Sorry about that, guys. Anyways, I was saying, I don’t got really no opinions and I know a lot of people don’t have opinions on account of I see it on the TV. Like, I’ll watch CNN and they’ll ask a question. Sometimes it’s tough. They’ll say, “What do you think of that Southeast Asian sea treaty? How do you think that’ll affect the gross national product of Singapore?” And… Anyways, at the end they ask that question. “Do you think it’s good, yes or no?” And then at the end they show the answer. I’m a sucker for a poll. So, I always like to– I take, you know, I take part in… at the end you always see the same thing. It’ll be like, they’ll show the poll and it’s in like a pie chart. You’ll go, “Goddamn! I wish I had some pie!” Anyway, they show a pie chart and it will be like 45 percent yes. 45 percent no. Ten percent: “I don’t know.” So that’s fine, you know? I’m not ashamed of being part of the ten percent. You know? Sounds small, but ten percent of this great country, that’s 35 million people that don’t know. That’s fine. And I’m a sucker, man, I always… anytime I see one of those polls, I phone up. I go, “Hello, is this the TV? Yeah, you asked a question earlier. I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to the question. Listen, I got a question for you. What did that second word mean, anyway? It did? [chuckles] All right, I better end up in that poll that looks like a pie, fella. I’m no sap.” And then I hang up… my phone. But, I tell you, man, you got to, especially when elections are around, you got to have a lot of… When you’re a comedian, they expect you to know things nowadays. You know what I mean? It didn’t used to be like that. During the Vietnam War, they wouldn’t go, “I wonder what Red Skelton thinks on this.” But nowadays, I’ve heard– they go, “A comedian is the modern-day philosopher.” You know? First of all, it always makes me feel sad for the actual modern-day philosophers who exist, you know? They’re working, trying to come up with their philosophy and they go, “Goddamn! You ever hear of this night club comic? He’s doing some very good work on ‘totaligism'” or what the hell… [chuckles] Whatever you say… I’ll tell you, when the election cycle starts, this is what I’ve noticed. They’re very difficult. Because they are trying to get the people that are smart, that know things. The people that know, because they are 90 percent, remember? I don’t know people are only ten percent. So, they will try to get you with very hard, very difficult commercials. I’ve seen them, you know? Like, a guy will come on TV, or a lady, and say, you know, “If you want to hear how I will fix healthcare as well as the mass of student debt problem in this country, as well as keeping our borders secure, but still being compassionate, then please go on ‘www.myname’ and I have a 45-page position paper.” Then I go, “Oh, no… I will not be doing that.” I’ll tell you why, it’s nothing against you. You seem like a fine enough fella, It’s just that I cannot read your 45-page position paper on account of, earlier today, a guy told me that I only get the one life. So… What are you gonna… I still got half a box full of Matlock. Matlock box sets. You only got so much time, you got to choose. You know? You got to choose. But later on, man, when you get closer to the election, here’s what always happens, I’ve noticed. Whenever you get close to an election, they go, “There’s only three days left till the election,” and it’s always tied. You know, and they go, “You know what we have to get? Those people that don’t know anything.” It’s a very odd way of choosing the leader of the free world, but that’s the best we got. And they go, “We gotta get those guys that don’t–“ Then the commercials become very tough. Nothing about the sea of Japan or anything like that. There’s a guy that’ll come on TV and go, “Hey, listen, let me ask you a question. Do you like yellow?” And I go, “Yeah, of course I like yellow.” And he goes, “Yeah, well so does this guy.” And they show a guy waving, pointing at someone that doesn’t exist. Wearing a yellow shirt, you know? Then I go, “Ruth, get out here! Goddamn! Here’s a guy on the TV that’s speaking for me finally. Ruth! You know how I’m always talking about how cool yellow is? Well, this motherfucker… finally, a person that’s speaking not at me, but for me.” You know what I read, actually? They say that the reason you vote for people is you vote for the guy you’d most like to have a beer with. I know that sounds odd, but it’s true. They vote for presidents by who you would most enjoy having a beer with. But what I find even more interesting is that no one has ever used that to their political advantage. If it was me, that would be my whole campaign. That would be the spine of it. Beer! You know what I mean? Everywhere I went I’d be holding a glass of beer. You know what I mean? My slogan would be… “Ah!” And I’d hold up my beer. I’d go, “Ah!” “You like beer?” [laughs] “Me, too! Vote for me and then you can come to the White House and… Ah!” [chuckles] Goddamn, I’m getting old. You can tell, I don’t have to tell you that. I like wearing these on account of it hides all my white hair and everything like that. I don’t want to get my hair colored no more, you know? I don’t want anybody painting my hair black. On account of I don’t want to die and then be surprised. You know what I mean? Go, “Goddamn, I look good.” And the guy goes, “Well, I made your hair white. What do you think that was all about? I was telling you to get your affairs in order, for God’s sake.” But anyway, I tell you how you know you’re growing old is when you start checking your left arm status. You go, “Goddamn, my left arm, I feel a little odd.” [chuckles] That’s all I know about medicine. If your left arm feels odd, you will either have an impending heart attack, or nothing at all will happen. I like doctors. I like specialists, though, you know? Like, let’s say… this is what I don’t understand. Your foot hurts, so you want to go to the foot doctor. You phone the foot doctor, he goes, “I can’t come, you got to go to a regular doctor.” Then you go to the regular doctor and he goes, “Yeah, you got to go to a foot doctor. Just pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out.” What is that scam? You know? You go, “All right.” He goes, “While you’re here, you want me to take your blood pressure?” I’m like, “No, that’s fine. I’ve had my blood pressure taken about five thousand times.” I don’t even know what it means. They go, “It’s 150 over 60.” I go, “Is that good?” They go, “Ah, I don’t know, it’s all a blur. I’m a doctor. I’m going to be hitting your knee with a hammer now.” That’s the oddest one to me of all time. We haven’t got past that? That’s like a cartoon from the 1950s. Guy pulls out a hammer, hits your knee with it, you go, “Ah, my knee! Oh, my God, that hurts!” And the guy writes down: “Excellent. Very good. That’s exactly how you should react when your knee is struck by a hammer.” Sometimes doctors just know smart words. You ever see those guys? One time, I remember I was real tired. I had this thing, I don’t know what it was. I say, “Hey, Doc, I got this thing, I’m real tired.” He goes, “Sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome to me.” I said, “Really, what’s that?” He says, well, “Chronic means always, and fatigue means tired. And syndrome, that means something you got.” Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out. Who knows what these doctors mean with their medical gobbledygook. Guy told me yesterday, the doc, he said, I’m now more of a virus than a host. What does that even mean? Who knows? Here’s the problem. You go to doctors too much, they start thinking you’re a hypochondriac and then they don’t take anything seriously, you know? Word gets around with these guys. Small community, the doctor community. And I made the mistake of one time… one time… I had a Pap smear. Guy smeared my pap, you know? It turned out good. But then word got out that I was a hypochondriac. But I’m not a hypochondriac. I only think I am. My friend who does have a medical issue, it’s terrible, he’s 586 pounds. Not a lie. Now, I’ve been blessed to have the same friends since I was in grade four. Billy, Jimmy, Ricky, me. Now, we all went our different paths, but Jimmy became fat, then he became really fat, then he became obese, then he became morbidly obese. And now, 586 pounds. It’s incredible. He’s one of those guys that can’t get out of his house and stuff. But he’s finally decided to change, thank God. So he’s got a psychiatrist in there, we got him a dietician, people are around the clock. One of the three of us go and visit him and keep his spirits up. And it’s great. But he said something that struck me odd the other day. Last time I saw him, which was about six months ago. The other day. But he said to me, he said, “Norm, you wouldn’t believe it, but at one point in my life I weighed 135 pounds.” And I said, “Oh, no, I believe that. I think you weighed every weight up to 586 pounds. I don’t think you just showed up looking like this.” [sighs] My other friend was mentally retarded. Now, I know you’re not supposed to say that anymore. But that’s what we said then. You know? I understand that term. It means that you’re arrested. You’re mental capacity has been retarded or arrested. So, anyways, I’ll say Down’s syndrome, I don’t care. I didn’t say it for a long time on account of I thought people would think I was a doctor. And I’d have to hit their knee with a hammer or something. I don’t know. But anyways, I love– my best friend had Down’s syndrome, you know? I love people with Down’s syndrome. I wish I had Down’s syndrome. I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause they’re happy. You know what I mean? They are happy! What’s wrong with that? Man, I wish I was happy, you know? I was happy when I was with my friend, I’ll tell you that. I would love to have a friend right now. ‘Cause how often are you happy? You ever be happy? It happens once in a while, you know. With me, it’s usually when I wake up. I wake up, I go, “Ah! Goddamn. I’m glad I bought that Tempur-Pedic pillow. [chuckles] That was the best purchase I ever made.” But then the light comes under the door, and bathes over you. Then your life comes in and gets all over you like a cobweb. You’re like, “Goddamn. That’s not fun.” You ever go in the mirror and look at yourself? I’m not talking about physically. Just eye to eye. And then you go, “Good God, what’s become of me? [shudders] I’m going to go back to bed and cover myself up.” [shudders] That’s when I would like to have a mentally retarded friend next to me. A guy with Down’s syndrome to go, “I like bananas!” I go, “Goddamn, I never looked at it that way. I like bananas too.” He goes, “They’re yellow!” “Goddamn, you’re right, they are yellow. Ha! What say you and me go buy a yellow banana?” See, people get mad at me and yet they pity them! I envy people with Down’s syndrome. You know? They pity them. Now, who’s the bad person in that scenario? I tell you right now, man, if there was some sort of injection where I could be Down’s syndrome, I’d take it because I’d love to be happy all the time. You know? Some people go, “Oh, mentally retarded people aren’t always happy.” I go, “Well, I never seen…” You know? You ever see a cynical Down’s syndrome guy? You know? Ever see a guy go, “Fuck bananas, they’re yellow. I don’t care. Who cares?” I never seen them. But, happiness. The thing we strive the most. People pity these people that have it. They’ll look over at a group of people with Down’s syndrome and go, “Oh, man, look. Breaks my heart when I see them. You know why? They’re happy, right? It’s on account of they don’t understand life’s horrors. Makes me sad, makes me shake my head sadly like this here. And you know the saddest part of all? There’s no cure. They’ll probably die happy.” Anyways, I hope you guys are all doing well. I’m glad I got my wife, you know, Ruth. She’s all right, you know? She’s watching a lot of TV. She’s got her guilty pleasures, you know? And her guilty pleasure is watching Housewives Of Atlanta. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that. My guilty pleasure is finding elderly gentlemen and shooting them in the leg. No, that’s… that’s just a joke. That is a joke! I felt it was time I tell a joke. I think it may be in my contract. Anyways… my wife, man, she ain’t the brightest girl, Ruth. We have what’s called a hall pass. You know what that is? A hall pass? That means you’re allowed to have sex with any two people that you would like to have sex with because they’re special. I chose– and the other partner has to agree to it. So I chose on my hall pass Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. And Ruth, my wife, she’s so stupid that, you know who she chose? The Mexican guy that mows my lawn and his brother. Of all the people in the world, of all the people in the world. But I love women, you know? I consider women to be superior to men and I’ll tell you why. They create life. Think about that. You know what I mean? What do men do? Maybe they eat sour cream and onion chips or something. Women create life for God’s sakes. It’s amazing. You know what I’m saying? If I was a woman, that’s all I’d do, just create life. I’d go to parties and go, “Hey, Fred. What do you do? I can’t remember.” And Fred would go, “I’ll tell you what I do, Loretta.” That’s my name in the story. He’d go, “I’ll tell you what I do, Loretta. I think you know I work down at the bank for Mr. Abernathy. And… I, well, what… my main job is Abernathy will give me a stack of papers about this big. By the end of the day, if I get them down to about this big, that’s a good–“ I go, “Wait a second there. I’m sorry. I got to stop you there. Remember how I was telling you how I create life? Human life. The highest form of life. I just got to tell you this. That life just kicked me. Can you possibly wrap your head around that?” And he’ll go, “Ah! Well, I… Look. Abernathy’s never given me that corner office like he promised. And there was plenty of lunches where he brought it up. Ah! But then Henderson showed up. That all changed. Who am I kidding? I should just quit.” Anyways, what have we learned from this little fable? [chuckles] It’s funny now, here’s what I was thinking of… You know how everybody’s got a name now? Everybody has an identity, you know? Like, let’s say, your sexuality. Let’s say a guy likes a guy. That’s a homosexual. If you are attracted to a member of your own gender. If you’re attracted to a member of the opposite sex then you’re a heterosexual. But what about a guy like me? Just whacks off all the time? What am I? I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve got a word. This is why I was thinking about whacking off. Think about this. It’s kind of like a psychotic break you got to do. You know? Like, in your mind, in your picture, you have to have a picture there of you with a lady and you got to believe it so much that you don’t even believe what’s really happening. You know what I’m getting at? I don’t know, like, a lot of guys… I don’t have a great imagination. A lot of guys will do it with a… Playboy magazine, say. Or maybe a Victoria’s Secret, or something like that. But I ain’t got the imagination for that, you know what I mean? Like, I try, you know, but then I’ll go, “Okay, you come over here with your ‘Victoria Secrets.’ Huh? I’ll show you your underwear.” I don’t know why I’m mean to them, but… I’ll go, “Why don’t you come over and take off your underwear?” They go, “No, I’m not doing that.” And I go, “No, I… goodbye! I didn’t think you would. Sorry about that crack about asking you to take your underwear off.” But… I don’t have the imagination for that. However, there is this lady that works down the street from me at 7-11. She’s not much to look at, but she likes me. That’s the important thing. In that way, in that certain way that women like men. And I know she likes me on account of one time I was buying sour cream and onion chips and Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream, and I’m getting it, right, and she goes, “I like sour cream and onion chips, too.” I go, “Yeah, that’s interesting.” She goes, “No, I really like them.” Now I look up, I’m like… Because sometimes the shadow of the thing is bigger than the… Anyways… I knew that she liked me. So then, for the next two months I’m whacking off. Oh, my God. Now, in my head is me and the girl… I don’t think any guy could just, in his head, have himself whacking off. That wouldn’t work. I’m only talking about men. ‘Cause I’ve asked women. I’ve said, “What do you do when you lie with yourself and make your finger a blur like a hummingbird’s wing? What do you think of in your head?” And then they go, “Oh, a hammock.” And I’m like, “Oh!” So anyways, they’re a little more advanced. But we have to think of a specific scenario. So my scenario is the lady from 7-11, I go, “Hey! They’re giving you a break. I’ll show you a break. Come on over here.” My jokes don’t even make sense. Anyways, I get ’em… What I’m interested in is in the moment when the fever breaks. You know what I mean? When that four seconds of issue that you spent so much time going after, it ends. You know what I mean? You’re thinking of all these things in your head. You just got a psychotic break going that would rival a paranoid schizophrenic. All of a sudden it stops and you’re like, “Ah!” It’s just me. There are no ladies at all. It’s just me. [panting] I got to get a hold of myself. What’ll I do here? I know. I’ll go downstairs. I’ll get a cheese sandwich. [chuckles] Yeah. I’ll never think about this again. [chuckles] That’s right. [chuckles] I’ll be honest with you. Sometimes I feel bad about doing that. Self-abuse, you know, lying down with myself. On account of… because I’m a Christian. You know? But, I’ll tell you this, a lot of people think Christians are self-righteous. But we’re not, we’re sinning all the time. All the time. For instance… I eat apples. Think about that for a second. It’s on page one. Worst thing you can do in the world. I’m munching down on an apple. Ah! You know? Sure, I love apples, but… is it worth getting raped by the Devil for all of time? I say no! Anyways… I know there’s a God. People go, “Well, you’re only a Christian because you grew up in a Christian–” And I understand that and that’s one of my biggest fears. That I picked the wrong religion, you know? That I believed, but then I died and I go, “Ah! It’s you! I thought it was the other fella. Ah!” I should have been slaying apostates the entire time. Oh well, what are you going to do? Hey! Did you know this? They finally figured out that Jesus Christ, whether you’re religious or not, that Jesus Christ was actually a historical figure. Probably a historical figure. I don’t think that’s that interesting because it’s only whether he was divine or not that matters. But they also found, I found this very interesting, they found a new Dead Sea Scroll. And it was a gospel about Jesus H. Christ. It turned out that he was a real guy, you know? He grew up in the town right next to Jesus Christ. So, often he was– he had a bad life because people would come up to him and go, “Hey!” “Master, can we touch your hand?” And he’d go, “I’m not the guy! I’m a plumber for God’s sake. You’re looking for the cabinet maker. Ah!” And they’d go, “Please, Master, let us touch your hand.” And he’d go, “You can touch it if you want, but I’m telling you nothing’s going to happen. I should have just gone with Howard. I don’t like this one bit.” Anyways, I thought that was interesting. But, listen, folks, I don’t want to get depressing, you know? But you got to get a living will, I’ll tell you that right now. It’s very important, I’ll tell you why. Because if you don’t– I’ll tell you what a living will is. It’s if you happen to go into a coma, something like that, the living will tells the doctor what to do. And it’s usually about a plug. A plug in the wall. I hate to bring everybody down, but a lot of you will end up plugged into the wall. Sounds odd, but… And I’m not going to say which one of you because I don’t think that’s fair. But I made out a very simple one. You know? All it… See, here’s the thing. If you do not make out a living will, you know what happens? You know who decides? Your family. And guess what they’ll decide? Maybe what they always decide. No, they always decide the same thing. You know? At first they don’t. Because, you know, it’s kind of fun bringing your friends in. There’s something lying there, you go, “Look at that, huh? Used to have dreams. Now it’s just a gray thing. Oh, well. Used to make apple pies for me.” But anyways, the novelty runs out of anything and after a while, you know, of course the family is going to go– and I know it’s going to be my sister, she’ll go, “Oh, yeah, Doc, remember when you were saying, ‘Did Norm ever discuss what he’d want if he was plugged into a wall?’ Well, I don’t know if this counts, but one time I remember we were having lunch and Norm said to me, ‘You know, if I was ever plugged into a wall then I think that you should, you know… kill me.'” And then everybody else in the room goes, “I remember him saying that too!” And then what if you were in the coma, you can still hear, you’re like, “Oh, no!” But you can’t even get to them. Anyways, what I was going to say is, I don’t even have a plug. I got a whole Byzantine, you know, bunch of different plugs. Surge protectors, all sorts– because I don’t want some janitor with a wide broom hitting my plug. You know? And then my sister slipping a five to him out in the hallway. I know how things work, I’ll tell you that. Also, what happens if they go, “Okay, let’s pull the plug.” Then a guy runs in, “I got some great news! Oh… did you guys pull the plug?” They go, “Yeah, what’s the great news?” He goes, “Nothing. No. Nothing at all. It’s just LeBron James might go to the hall of fame, they say. [laughs] But anyways, you better go home and grieve. You know what one of the best ways of grieving is, they say. Don’t read the newspaper, or look at the internet, or anything. That’s what they say.” I don’t know, man. There’s more in this world than anybody can understand. Psychology. I don’t understand psychology, I’ll tell you. I don’t even know if it’s real. They say some people got recovered memories. A memory will just come to them, you know? From 30, 40 years ago. It’s never a good memory. It’s never like they go, “Goddamn, I used to like peach pie. I got to get me a piece of peach pie.” It’s always the most violent, sexual, horrifying incident. You know what I mean? And I don’t like it. I don’t like it. Because, here’s the thing with recovered memory. You can’t be sure anymore of what happened. You know? I used to be at parties, and say it with great pride, people would come up to me and go, “Hey, Norm, did your uncle ever fuck your ass?” And I’d go, “No.” And I’d be happy. I took great pride in that, you know? But now I can’t say that anymore, you know? Because there’s two possibilities. Either my uncle fucked my ass and I forgot, or he didn’t fuck my ass. So, when people come up to me now and ask me, “Did your uncle fuck your ass?” All I can say is, “I don’t know. Fifty-fifty, I guess.” If I understand my advanced math, it’s 50-50. But I don’t even know if I believe in psychology. You know what I mean? And I’ll tell you why. Because my friend, everything to this guy has two meanings. You know what I mean? He says, “You know how you have your conscience and your subco–“ Anyways, one time I’m with this guy, we’re having dinner, and I take a glass of milk. I’m drinking the milk. The guy says, “Hey! You know why you’re drinking that milk, Norm?” I go, “No, why?” I know something’s coming. He goes, “That’s because you miss sucking on your mother’s breast.” And I’m like, “Ah!” “What did you have to say that for?” And I’m stuck, you know? What am I gonna guzzle the milk? There’s a delicious cold milk there. You know? And you guys don’t know my mother, but she’s 84 years old, for God sakes. She’s a sweet lady and everything, but… You know what? I was thinking about my mother the other day because, you know the #MeToo movement and the Time’s Up movement and all that? This is a move– I’ve never seen– I’ve never been through a revolution like this. It’s very exciting, you know, to see women get what they’ve always deserved in the first place, you know? But every revolution has its casualties. And for me, it’s people like my mother. Or maybe you have a mother or a grandmother. It’s those people. I remember growing up with my mother. She’d be cooking, she’d be in the kitchen. “Do you have enough gravy? Oh! There’s some more turkey. Oh, the turnips! The turnips!” She’d get the turnips out. Then I’d go, “Ma, you got enough to eat?” She’d go, “Oh, yes.” But she’d just be eating what was left from us, you know what I mean? And we’d go, “Can we help with the dishes?” “No, no, watch your football games.” I love my mother, you know. She lives right beside me here. She’s great. I don’t think my mother has ever spoken a word that had any irony in it. You know what I mean? She’s just earnest, she’s just happy. She knows how to love, she doesn’t judge. I don’t think… She’ll go sometimes to the grocery store and come back, the other day she did this. She’d come back, she’d say, “A funny thing happened at the grocery store.” I said, “What happened, Mom?” She said, “A woman came in and bought a grapefruit and it cost $1.69 and last week it cost $1.19.” And then I said, “That’s not a story, let alone a funny story. I don’t even think that would be considered a story.” Anyways, my point is that I would trade my… I don’t know what my point is, really. Oh, yeah! I know! I don’t want to suck her tits! That’s what my point was. Maybe that makes me shallow. I don’t know. Stay safe, folks. I love you. I would drop the mic, but I paid for it. * * * [laughter] That was sweet, man. Holy shit. Tearjerker ending. Oh, God. Yup. I thought of two things. The first thing I thought of was, I might owe Drew Michaels an apology. Because he made a special with no audience and I hated it. Ah! Because I looked at it like a swimming meet with no water. Like that’s the whole thing. But this… was very endearing. It was amazing. This… [grumbles] [Letterman] The form is different. It’s not strictly speaking stand-up. It’s something else. And the great gift could have been to be in a room full of people when Norm did that for those people. Because that would have evaluated, measured, and directed what he’s talking about. And for us to sit here and look at it is not a true test of anything really other than we all love Norm and, my God, he is certainly prolific. Certainly energetic. But we weren’t watching stand-up comedy because it was impossible. But there’s something there, for sure. There’s no question. Yeah. [Chappelle] I also forget how poetic he is. Yeah. With Norm, I didn’t know him that well in the ’90s. Then when my dad died, I had to do a movie with Norm, and I tried everything to get out of that movie because I was inconsolable. I couldn’t get out of it. And working with him was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It was like, he was the right guy at the right time. I was inconsolable. Did he talk to you about your dad a lot? What did he do? Never came up. He just made me laugh. [Sandler] Yeah, right, right. He just, you know, it was wistful, and amusing. You know how Norm is. You never knew if he was setting something up or not. We were just hanging out, all of a sudden it’d be like this punchline out of nowhere, but… it started to become like a… work was like a church I go to. I couldn’t wait to get to work and hang around this guy. Yeah. Sweet. [Chappelle] And I knew he was special. Yeah. And… I’ve known people for years and years that didn’t make me laugh as much as he did in that eight or ten weeks. He’s like a real special person to me. And the way he’s funny, I just never seen someone get at it like that. Yeah. The element that I always admired was the connection to the audience. And his asides, and his looks and his pauses were interpreted exactly the way he knew they would be interpreted and that fueled the ridiculous nature of some of the presentation. And without that audience, you don’t get the full measure of Norm. Yeah. It was like the audience was his partner. Everybody was in this together with Norm. I agree. I like the way you said it. The audience was his partner. That kind of felt like the gentle Norm that when you would sit and hang out after our shows on the road or we’d be on the bus with him. He’d still be being funny. He would kind of perform like that. Like, he’d say his material to you, he’d kind of commit to it, but he just kept going and going and going. It looked like he was just like, “I want to get everything out. Everything I’ve been thinking about.” Anyways… He had, I think, the best word choice of maybe any comedian I’ve ever seen. He intentionally mispronounces words. Yeah. [Sandler] That’s right. [O’Brien] When he knows… he knows how to say “TV”, he says it’s “the TV”. He came on our show, I think it was his first appearance, he was talking about a Doberman, and he said it’s a “Dober-man”. And he knows! But he’s constantly screwing with you on every level. [Letterman] Right. But his word choice, he was like Mark Twain. He had this folksy, completely out-of-time… I don’t know if he was born 300 years too late or 300 years too early, but he’s talking in a way… no one speaks like that. And you really appreciate the way he says things. And his timing. He talks like a 1930s Canadian dock worker. Yeah. Does it remind you a bit of Face In The Crowd? Some of the early stuff where he’s just communicating from himself to a radio audience? That’s what I thought of early on in this. [O’Brien] Yeah. You know, it’s funny because the way I experienced him, as you did, Dave, was really on the talk show format. And later on, when I would look at the clips of him on my show, I would think– I don’t even know that I needed to– I was there just laughing. But I was in no way… He’s totally self-fueled. Yes, it’s nice when you hear the audience there, but he’s also… you know, what he’s doing is so absurd and ridiculous. This was an exercise in… I couldn’t do that if you just put a camera there… [Letterman] No. …and said you’ve got 50 minutes and go. I would become, I would lose my train of thought, or I would– I need other people there for me to find the next thing. He’s completely… When I look at his appearances that he did with me, I think, I didn’t need to be there. I mean, I’m glad I was there. I’m selfishly glad I was there. [Spade] You need a second to think. I don’t know if he’s got a set list. There’s no really looking down, there’s no fumbling, there’s no think– it was just kind of go, go, go. I didn’t see where that would be and to remember all that? The presentation, considering the circumstance, the presentation was robust for God’s sake. Yeah. Yeah. I like the messiness. I like the dog. The dog and that phone call. You were saying the guy without the audience. This is just more, there was no choice. It’s different when he just has to do it. The other guy picked not to have an audience. That’s absolutely right. I didn’t even think it was possible. Yeah. I feel like he landed the trick. Yeah. His timing is like a drummer’s. [all agreeing] It’s like a jazz drummer. What would the timing have been with an audience? Still perfect? I can’t tell, you know. He’s so nice with it, I feel like it looked like it was supposed to be that. It’s hard to explain. [Sandler] Right, yeah. This is like listening to a good book on tape. [Sandler] Mm-hmm. Yeah. It’s really… Yeah, yeah, that’s good. It reminds me of what I liked about him. He’s a soothing person to be around. [Sandler] Yeah, gentle, gentle. My favorite comedy makes– is kind of intuitive. It makes people feel safe, like everything’s going to be all right. [Sandler] Right. This guy was in a weird way reconciling his mortality. [Shannon] Yeah. Hilariously in front of us. Ironically, he’s no longer with us. Oh, yeah. We’re sitting in the aftermath of the life of Norm Macdonald, watching him be incredibly alive. [Letterman] But, he… his circumstance, he nudged into it several times… Right. …but didn’t linger. And to us, from this perspective, powerfully meaningful. He definitely wanted– I’m sorry, Molly. No, you go, Adam. I was just going to say he definitely wanted to make the point he loves his mom. That’s what I was going to say! There was a moment where you just have this glimpse where he takes a pause and he’s like, “She’s great.” Yeah. [Shannon] Remember? Absolutely. It was so touching. He’s talking a lot about mortality. He’s talking a lot about death. Obviously, now that people, you know, comics talk about that all the time, but… it has this… How would those have registered in front of a live audience, do you think? “Not wanting to suck his mother’s tits” would kill. That was murder! He went all the way around the barn for that one. That’s right! He went all the way around the barn. He had this great way of making you… he’d plant the seed, walk all over the hill, around the silo, down to the brook. You’ve forgotten about it, and then he lands that again and it’s joyous. It’s just joyous, but I, you know, this form makes me so appreciate what I always knew. His face, his eyes, and his eyebrows. There’s something almost like a jack-o’-lantern. He’s got such a great… his expressions when he’s talking about after someone’s completed the act, when he becomes, “What am I going to do now?” “I’ll have a cheese sandwich.” He’s such a terrific performer. He’s really just got this. And he’s telling the whole story like, I don’t know, a great 1920s silent film comic. When he smiled, I could picture him as a child. Aw. Oh, yeah. He has a… you know, he’s my senior, but he’s got a boyish charm. When he laughs at his own jokes. Man, him laughing is amazing. There’s something just joyful about watching it. Does anybody know the length of time it would take him to compile an hour of material? Would that be six months, a year? He had more material. We were on the road one time and he would swap sets out of nowhere. He’d be like, “I’m gonna try something.” He didn’t really talk about it. We’d say, “You doing this joke?” He’d be like, “I don’t know about that.” [Spade] He’d flip a whole set. He’d flip– yeah. One time, in some conversation, he goes, “I got a good eight hours now.” Or something like that. Eight hours. You remember that Star Search bit he used to do? The scaffolding in the bit was always the same, but I’ve never seen him do it the same twice. He would just make up these crazy Star Search intros. Oh, Star Search. [Chappelle] Star Search… “This next band has been kicking around the Miami area for the last 15 years. Give it up for ‘Overnight Sensation,'” he’d say. He would do that. He had a million of them. And I’ve seen him do the bit a bunch of times, never the same. The scaffolding was the same, the lyrics always change. He also had an infinite collection of old stories. I think probably from rural Canada or traveling salesman stories. And I would be delighted because he’d come out and I’d be laughing, only person I could say this about, I’d be laughing before he did anything. He’d come out from behind the curtain and he’s got those cheeks and those eyes. And I’m… I’ve looked at the tape, I’m just laughing. He hasn’t done anything yet. Then I… “Norm, how are you?” He’s like… [mumbles] “Bought a farm.” And I know immediately this is complete bullshit. You know, the whole thing is a complete waste of everyone’s time and it’s joyous. [Letterman] Right. He’s reveling in it. He’s reveling in every second of it. This wife Ruth he was speaking of… Nothing’s real! Yeah. Agnes at the desk. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I can remember reading his autobiography and enjoying it, but being greatly disappointed about ten pages in when I realized it was all fantasy. [all laughing] I want to know about Norm’s life, but this was other solar system. We were on the road. It was Adam and Rob Schneider, Norm and a bunch of us. Some nights he would flip the whole set. But some nights he would do like the bomb set. And he would just walk people. He would do it almost on purpose. You know? Some nights he would say, “This is the set you’re getting…” He did– this is courtesy of Jim Downey who did “Update” with Norm. The thing that stuns me is he used to… there’s drafts for Saturday Night Live and then there’s air. And Norm would do his set for “Update” in front of the dress crowd. There’d be certain jokes that got absolutely nothing. Now, a sketch can maybe do better on air than it did– but a joke, if it bombs at dress in that format, it will bomb on air. It just will. So he had undisputed proof that his joke was going to bomb. But he liked the joke. He’d turn to Downey and say, “We’re doing it.” And Downey would say, “That’s a great joke.” “Yeah, we’re doing it.” Now, that… I like to do well. And if I’m handed absolute proof that I will fail, I will change course. I will admit it. I’m not– that guy, there’s something in him that’s unbelievably fearless. What you’re describing there, when I would watch those segments, they were delightful. There was something more exciting and interesting about the silence and Norm’s joy at having landed the dud. Holding his smile. It was thrilling. It was heroic. He was telling us, “This is a good joke and I’m sticking with it.” His eyes would just light up when he was getting nothing. “You’ve got what I’m serving tonight. This is what we’re serving at the restaurant. This is what you’re eating. There you go.” Yeah. That’s a perfect way to put it. It’s like a master chef. “What do you know? Fuck your taste buds.” The sushi restaurant where they go, “We don’t do California Rolls here.” I just like that that guy is certain… in his sensibility. It’s fun to watch. You get more than a joke and a laugh. You get that tone, you get that attitude. There is that invisible connection. We know what you’re up to, Norm. This is what we love. It’s like why rock and roll is cool. The swag of, like, he’s just doing it. It’s ’80s hip, bro. It was great. He came on our show one time, your old studio, The Late Night Show. And he– I went in just to say hi before the segment. He’s in the dressing room right outside the double doors. Inconsolable because he had bet on a big game that had just ended. Oh, yeah! He would get mad. I’m there to try and make sure that the guest is in a good mood. We’re going to have a good ramp up. And I remembered him: “That’s a lot of money!” Yeah, yeah. And I hear the band outside. [mimics band playing] It’s going to be good time show business with a man that just lost 55 thousand– Who knows what he lost, you know? Recently destitute Norm Macdonald. [O’Brien] Exactly, yeah. Did he give that up, do we know? I don’t know. I don’t– I don’t know a hundred percent. Whenever it was him reading an excerpt from his book or his book on tape, where he describes his gambling addiction so poetically. Oh, wow. He talks about roulette. Roulette. Yeah. It’s a book on tape. How hopeful it is to be… He’s addicted to the hope of it. And there’s no way you can talk about Norm and not, because we all know that gambling was part of his life. And he, you can just– in his comedy, he’s just always putting everything on 17 red, or 35 black. That’s amazing. It’s really the same, whatever, the same thrill. You’re right, that’s interesting. “I’m not taking that.” You know? I have a funny Norm gambling one. And this is… everything is true because some of it doesn’t make sense. But we lived in the same building. I went up to visit him in his room. We come over to his apartment, that was… going into his apartment was bananas as it is. But we’re having a nice time and I say, “You got any soda?” And I open up his fridge and, I swear to God, Twenty-five thousand dollars worth of chips. Atlantic City chips are in his fridge. I go, “What’s this?” And he goes, “I won big. I won big on Friday.” I said, “Why didn’t you cash it in, buddy?” He goes, “I brought it here so I can talk to Bernie Brillstein to see how I don’t have to pay taxes on it.” So I go, “Oh.” He goes, “So I bring it back Monday. He told me no matter what, I gotta pay taxes so it didn’t work out.” So, whatever, I go, “Oh, that sucks.” Anyways, I see him on Saturday Night Live on Monday, I go, “Did you cash it in?” He goes, “I lost it all.” [all laugh] We’d go down the elevators. They have limos for us for the SNL to go to the after-party. So, we get in them and Max, the guy, goes, “Norm sometimes takes us to Atlantic City.” He skips the party to go right there and that Monday he comes back, he said the same thing, “He keeps chips in his refrigerator because no one looks in the fridge if they’re robbing him.” Oh, that’s funny! That’s genius. Better than the Bernie. That’s what I’m doing. That’s fantastic. Wow. You guys are lucky to get to work with him that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s a few people in my career… It’s like why I go to the fights if I know Mayweather is fighting. Because I know this guy is great and he’s only got so many fights in him. This guy. [Shannon] I was going to say I really liked him right away. I just saw him… I felt like I understood him a different way. I felt deep down he was actually very, very shy. [Sandler] Oh, yeah. [Shannon] Don’t you think? Very shy. And sweet. [Shannon] And so sweet. He talked about your parents a lot. He loved his dad more than anything. He talked about his dad a lot. He loved his mom, his brother… and his boy. Deeply, so sensitive. When you lost your dad, Dave, and you were talking about that, I’m sure he really wanted to make you feel so good. So sweet and thoughtful, probably thought deeply about that that’s how he would approach it. It was very, it seemed very thoughtful. And wildly, disarmingly empathetic. It’s very rare that I’d meet somebody in a professional situation that made me put my dukes down like that. Like, defenseless… This guy doesn’t have an ounce of judgment in him unless it’s hilarious. Yeah. And Dave, when does that movie come out? [laughter] I remember when you did that movie. Yeah. I remember that. The irony, I really did try to get out of it. But I couldn’t imagine my life without having done it or getting to spend that time with him. Do we know if he did any of this material in front of an audience? We knew some from that tour. That tour was right before Corona, I think… Remember the day before the lockdown, Norm had some set that went viral. He did? It was a cookie jar dunk. It was, it was… I remember me and my buddies in Ohio were all like, “Yo, did you see this Norm Macdonald set?” It was on YouTube. Probably still on there. He destroyed. He even– Right. At the Improv. When he talked about the pandemic. It was incredible. It was a cookie jar dunk. And you could tell it was off the rip. It was all the anxiety the day before the whole world goes into lockdown. Yeah. And he was just on some… “Fuck it.” It felt so good. Again, it made me feel like everything’s going to be fine. If he were alive and were doing this show that we watched tonight somewhere in front of two, three hundred, four hundred people… killer, standing O? What would be the impact? The question to me is he’s clearly touching on some third rail stuff. And it really depends on its… Yeah, he didn’t have to leave on a big laugh. He would go on, some of his shit would murder. Some of his shit would eat it, some people would get annoyed, upset that he said it. Then, like most of us, you go, “Let me get out of this fucking hole and come up with a big joke because I’m about to get off.” He’d go, “All right. Let’s keep going down. We’ll get out on that.” I’m certain that twenty-five minutes of this would kill. -Yeah. Right. This would probably be about, with laughs, it would have… 35, 38 minutes. Easy. You’d have notes… you’d have people saying– [Spade] Yeah, if you tried it, practiced it. Plus that cannibal stuff. When he says, “It gets on red, I go, ‘Fuck, so close!'” There’s some stuff that’s for sure laugh lines. It would work anywhere. Then he pulls you away from it for a while. And they’re trickier stuff. It’s trickier to figure it out. And he would lose some people. It’s hard to separate… I’d buy it. You know what I mean? I’m in. -Yeah. [Letterman] That’s right. Yeah. It’s like watching a four-hour Mooney set. At a certain point it’s like, I’m just invested in this as an experience. And it’s really hard to separate myself from it. It’s fun to watch him acknowledge what would be the silence. -Yeah. Yeah. -I can see. And enjoy it. -Yeah. Enjoy it. I can see the… In his mind there was a crowd there. He was anticipating his crowd. Which reminds me again, this guy was very deliberate in how he approached this. ‘Cause it does seem like jazz. It was very methodical. It’s funny because he’s… you know. All I’ve ever heard about Norm is that he was the most widely read comedian. Very widely read. Highly intelligent. I think a great, you know, mathematician. Things that you would never think. He was talented in all these areas and choosing, “What’s my diction, what’s my word going to be?” “What’s the right word here? What’s it exactly going to be?” So you get this… Because he seems reckless, but he’s also ruthlessly planned everything out and thought it through. They don’t seem to go together. But with him, they do. Yeah. But was his… I’m sorry, Molly. I was going to say before… in the last, whatever, 13, 14 years, he got, as you say, Conan, he was reading four or five books at a time. Russian literature, Mark Twain was his favorite author. He loved Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. But he got really into reading about God and Christianity. Oh, yeah. Really wanting to understand God. Where he’s headed? And feeling maybe close to death. Yeah, sure. Or thinking about death, but really, really wanting to understand God. I don’t know how everyone else felt here, but Norm got sick for quite a while and he got sicker and I didn’t know. I talked to so many people who I was sure knew. I thought, maybe I’m the only one that doesn’t know. So many… He didn’t want anybody to know. I didn’t know. And… so, you know, being the self-absorbed person I am, I think a lot of us, we thought, “Is he mad at me?” “Is there something I did?” Because we kept trying to get him to come back on and we couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. ‘Cause I don’t think he was up for it. And he didn’t want to answer questions about maybe his appearance, but I remembered… Yeah. …when he went, everybody in the community was… we all thought we were the only one that didn’t know. We were so upset that we didn’t get a chance to tell him what he meant to us. I very quickly realized he would not have tolerated that. He didn’t want any of us to tell him… -He’d get grossed out. He’d get very unhappy. Treat him different or laugh at his jokes. You reflect on experiences you had with him during the time he was ill and wondered if that had manifest itself because of the illness. [Spade] Right. I’m curious as to what his process was, if you knew how he wrote. My experience was so chaotic. You know, I thought this guy is Evel Knievel. He’s going to jump Snake River Canyon, he doesn’t care. But he put a ton of work into what he was doing. And worked it out a lot of the time. So, I don’t know what that process was, but this really impressed me with how self-contained it is. [Letterman] Yeah. And how… He scribbled a lot of stuff down all the time. He was just like most comedians. He was constantly writing his jokes down. [Letterman] It’s a lot of work. Yeah. No laughs. A lot of work. [Sandler] Yeah. You said something that reminded me of… I don’t know what story he was telling. But the story was, in the beginning of the story he’s telling, he used to go to this Christian Revival Church. He goes, “I don’t really believe any of this stuff.” I go, “Then why’d you go?” I love what he said, I don’t remember what he was talking about. He goes, “Because it made me feel good.” And the last time I saw him was at The Comedy Store. And he was uncharacteristically emotional. Yeah. And like he… when we parted company, he was. There’s a picture of me and him. And the back of Chris Rock’s head. I put it in my special. That picture, it’s at the end of The Closer, was the last time that I saw him. [Shannon] Wow. And he stood there. He came up, he stood behind me, I looked, hey, looked up. And I realized he was posing for the picture, in hindsight. [Sandler] Uh-huh. Like a gift. That’s nice. It was a very fitting goodbye. That is so sweet, Dave. Yeah. Hey, man, what about when he was emotional saying goodbye to you on the show? At the time, like Conan suggests, I didn’t know he was ill. So, surprised. In thinking about that moment, he must have known a great deal about what his future was and how long it might have been. I always took it as an enormous compliment that my emotional situation had affected him. [Sandler] Right. But now, to be fair, this guy knew more than just I was leaving. Well, he was crazy about you. I mean… Absolutely. That’s very sweet. I saw him on your show once and he said, “I’ve seen more sunsets than I will ever see.” He said that to you on the show. In case you hear different. I’m sorry to interrupt, though. [O’Brien] No, that’s okay. I probably cut him off and said, “We got to get to Al Roker now.” He probably was about to say something very profound. I’m like, “That’s great, Norm. Al Roker’s here. He came up three floors to be with us tonight. And he’s got nothing. Al Roker.” I saw him at the SNL 40th. I didn’t know he had cancer or anything, but I remember as soon as he told me, he was like, “I love you, Molly.” He blurted it out right away. I think I was like… I just had a sense of like, I could feel that he had this kind of urgency to say exactly what was on his mind in the moment. Because maybe he’ll never have that moment again. I was like, “Something’s different with Norm.” The last time I saw him with any regularity was we all went on a tour to do stand-up. The three of you guys? [Sandler] And a couple of other guys. We had a text chain of a bunch of us. We had a text chain. We’d all fuck around. And then one time he was arguing with Schneider about something about stand-up and he goes, “I’m the best comic out of all of us.” And everyone went… “Yeah.” Yeah. That’s true. No one fought back. They go, “Okay.” You’re right. I think that’s fair, honestly. And we go, “Sure.” But he was… the nice thing is we were flying around or on the bus or backstage, he would come in and do bits. He wanted to keep– I like that, you know? People are still funny, and he’s a good laugher. And that’s always nice when a comic is a good laugher too, instead of just only going one way with it. They like to crack up with people, and it was… that was a fucking blast. Didn’t he wear a cowboy hat the whole time? He bought a cowboy hat. Norm all of a sudden with a cowboy hat. Walking around. It was so weird. On stage he would sit sometimes. He sometimes would sit. Sometimes he’d be late in the morning, because we’re all taking off and I’d go, “I would just go ahead. Norm, man, we got to get to this place.” And he’d give me a look. Then after he passed away I realized he was giving me a look like, “What the fuck do you want from me? I’m going through some shit.” He’d be like, “Yeah, all right.” But never any deeper knowledge of it? Never anything. Yeah. Wow. He did get emotional a lot, though. On the whole tour, he would just all of a sudden get really teary-eyed and stuff and he’d be like, “This is wonderful.” The tour itself. And hanging out. We’d have dinners and breakfast. [Spade] Yeah. And shit. And he was more… He’d just be so fun to see. He had so much energy to hang. The hard part about not telling people, which, it would worry me a little bit, is… I got slightly angry because during the thing, he would set up dinners with me and he would keep canceling. I didn’t know if it was a bit or… but it got frustrating because I go, “If you’re scared of Corona, just come over to the house. It will just be me and you, we’ll sit across or whatever.” “Yeah, that’s what I want. I’d like just a good night with Davey.” And then he goes… That night I go, “Where are you?” He goes, “I can’t, it’s COVID.” I go, “I know, we just talked about this.” And then a week later: “Do you want to have dinner?” And I go… fighting to fuck him up. But I don’t even know if it was– I think he would maybe think about it and then he’d go, “I don’t feel good,” or something. But later I was getting irritated because I’m like, “You can come over.” I didn’t know what was going on, but if I did, of course, I’d go, “Whatever you want.” I’m a little like that because I would love to have dinner with each of you but it will never happen. [all laugh] We’ve all tried, Dave. We’ve all tried. [laughs] ♪♪ ♪ I’m just an old chunk of coal ♪ ♪ But I’m gonna be a diamond some day ♪ ♪ I’m gonna grow and glow Till I’m so blue ♪ ♪ Perfect ♪ ♪ I’m gonna put a smile on Everybody’s face ♪ ♪ I’m gonna kneel and pray every day ♪ ♪ Lest I should become vain Along the way ♪ ♪ I’m just an old chunk of coal now, Lord ♪ ♪ But I’m gonna be a diamond some day ♪

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Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-presents-friends-who-kill-transcript/

[rock music] [announcer] Please welcome Bill Burr. All right, what’s going on? How are you? Good evening. Good evening and welcome. Welcome to this wonderful evening of stand-up comedy. All right, you guys have great energy. I like that. I’m liking the energy already. It’s safe to say I guess the pandemic’s over? It kinda is, right? I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore, so basically, it’s over, right? It killed all the weak people, you know? The strong people are here to survive. The fatties are gone, the asthmatics, people with lisps. None of ’em made it! But you guys survived. Yeah, you guys survived. Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch of people, but I gotta be honest. Have you really noticed? I mean, you drive down the highway, there’s still traffic. I thought it was gonna be like, “Wow! Holy shit, a lot of people died. That’s so sad, but fucking awesome, all at the same time!” I gotta be honest though, I saw a lot of you youngsters didn’t wear masks. I got upset at first, but then I did the math. I understand why you didn’t wear ’em. You know what I mean? You knew you were gonna survive. Right? You went to college. You bought the dream. You left with the debt and there was no jobs. So you played the only card you had. Get COVID and breathe on somebody older with a corner office. That’s what you do, all right? Power is not given away. It has to be taken. And people have to die, historically speaking. People have to go. You know what did amaze me during all of this? Was the amount of shit that doctors got from non-doctors… slash complete fucking morons. People who had to go to summer school. “According to my Internet research, if you take a little bleach, vitamin D and aspirin…” And people are like, listening to ’em. Like, my favorite heckle doctors got from people was, like, “Dude, what’s the last thing they even cured? What? Fucking polio?” It’s like, “No. HPV.” They just came out with a vaccine for HPV. No more warts on your dick. We should be carrying these people around on our shoulders. Thank you… for not having to make me go down to the doctor. And be like, “That’s not a birthmark, is it?” Or even worse, you’re too shy to go, so you try to do self-surgery with a frozen Bud Light can. “Stick it on there, freeze it off!” Bud Light, one of the big sponsors of this comedy tonight. They say that, “What was the last thing they cured?” How about AIDS? Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody. You get it from fucking. It was over. Now look at it. Now you can get it, they give you one pill. It doesn’t even show up on a test! You can go out and bang somebody, no condom, they don’t even get it! According to my Internet research! Don’t listen to me, but I think that’s what I overheard in a bar. “What’s the last thing they cured?” Do you know what fake legs looked like when I was a kid? Huh? First of all, there was only one color, it was like Band-Aid color. And everybody knew you had a fake leg. You’re fucking walking down the street and everybody… “He’s got a fake leg! What do you think happened?” Motorcycle accident, fell down a flight of stairs, got impatient with a woodchipper. Right? Everybody knew you had a fake leg. Now, if you have fake legs, you’re not allowed to compete with people with real legs in the Olympics, because not having legs is now more of an advantage than having real legs. Doctors make better legs than God. All right, your calves, and your feet flopping around, are no match for a couple of sickles. These people just skiing down the fucking street. You get ’em by some train tracks that go downhill, you’re never gonna see ’em again! I enjoyed people being their own doctors. I loved it. Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves. There’s too many of us, it’s fantastic. All right, this is a weird thing to say in LA, but I’m really into guns. I do. I love guns. I don’t own a gun, I didn’t grow up with them, so, I know that I’m an idiot, so I’ll probably kill myself, but I don’t have a problem with guns, you know? Liberals gotta quit trying to take away conservative people’s guns, they just gotta stop doing that shit. Because when you try to take away their guns, then you get them in a corner where they gotta start defending everybody with a gun. You know? Like that fucking idiot, Rittenhouse, right? That moron. And they’re gonna sit there like, “No, he’s a bright guy. He was a good guy with a gun.” My favorite thing about that was why did he go up there? It’s like, “Well, he loved his town. He loved it.” It’s like, “Oh, yeah, when it snows out, does he show up with a shovel?” “Private Rittenhouse, reporting for duty. Boy, oh boy, do I love this sidewalk. My goodness.” I’ll tell ya, that guy went there to feel threatened. And he felt threatened and he fucking killed two people. Turns out the two people he killed were a convicted child molester, and a skateboarder. Two of the most annoying people in society. So as dumb as this kid is, he somehow went two for two. Unbelievable! It’s like when they bring some fat guy out of the crowd, halftime at an NBA game, “You hit this half-court shot, fatty, you could win a Dodge– fucking Durango.” “All right.” [shouts] [blows air] “Nothing but net! Holy shit!” Yeah, Rittenhouse did it twice, “I got the other side! Bam! Skateboarder, go fuck yourself!” People try to say his mother drove him to the riot. I don’t believe that, I think that’s some liberal horseshit they made up. I just can’t imagine that conversation going down like that. Like, she’s sitting at home, hears him upstairs and is like, “Honey! Honey, what are you doing? You going out tonight? What are you doing?” “Going to a riot.” “Do you want a ride?” “All right, but you gotta drop me off like two blocks away, so my other racist friends don’t see my mommy drove me.” “All right, are you gonna wear a jacket?” “Mom!” “Don’t yell at me the way your father did! And bring your AR-15. I’ll see you in the car.” I don’t know about that dude. Only thing I can say about that dude is I hope he never does a 23andMe. Okay, because with those big pouty lips I don’t think he’s gonna like the results. Then he’s gonna have to go down to the hideout, knocking on the door, “Come on, man, I’m like 91% you.” “Und the Führer only accepts 100% percent Caucasian!” All right, give yourselves a round of applause, everybody! [applause] We’re gonna keep this show going. We’ve got nothing, nothing but killers on this show. You guys are an awesome crowd, and I can’t think of a better way to start this show. This is one of my favorite joke writers out there. She’s written for all the late-night shows, even performed for a president, and she’s here tonight for you. Please welcome the amazing Michelle Wolf! Come on, everybody! [cheers and applause] Give it up for Bill! [cheers and applause] You know, we’re both redheads, I don’t know if this is a show or a fetish. I, um, I want women to get ahead. [light whooping] Yeah, we only needed four. I want women to get ahead, but I just don’t know if it’s gonna happen. Because, uh, we’re not good at it. Like, we have the first female vice president, and everyone got really excited. They were like, “Now little girls everywhere, little girls everywhere will know it’s possible.” Yeah, little girls everywhere else already knew it was possible. America’s like the last place to have a female leader. She’s not even really… the leader. We’re like, the last place to have a female leader. Kosovo’s been a country for 13 years, they’ve already had two female leaders. Germany had Angela Merkel for I don’t know how long, long enough for me to know it’s “An-guh-lah.” Myanmar’s one of the least developed countries in Asia. It’s had a female leader who’s been overthrown by the military twice! And each time, that little Asian lady claws her way back up to the top. She is definitely not a white woman. She would’ve just stayed down and been like, “This is not fair.” “Little girls everywhere…” Some people make the argument, they’re like, “Well, some people just need to see it happen to know it’s possible.” All right, well then, you’re not a leader. That’s like the exact opposite definition of a leader. Like, “Guys, I’m gonna show you the way, if you could just– if I could follow you maybe.” And use that anywhere else, you’re in school. You’re in school, you’re looking at someone’s paper, and they’re like– the teacher comes up to you and she’s like, “What are you doing?” And you’re like, “I just need to know it was possible.” “Little girls.” And they only do this when good things happen to women. They don’t do this when bad things happen to women or when women achieve bad things. You know, like when 2 Girls 1 Cup came out, no one was like… “Now little girls everywhere…” I make fun of white women a lot. But only because it’s fun and easy. You know? And white women, we blame a lot of stuff on white men. We blame a lot of stuff on white men, which I think is a little bit crazy because we did make you. It’s just made me very sure of one thing. White women should never be allowed to make robots. Before you get all, like huffy, I’m not saying you can’t make robots, although I doubt it a little bit. I’m not– I’m just saying you should never be allowed to make robots, because if robots get out of hand and start taking over everything and being real evil, white women will be like, “Well, I don’t know, I just love ’em.” “I mean, not my robot.” Not all white women are bad. Some white women really do try to put in the work. They try to do good things. You know, like, uh, two summers ago, we realized that Black lives matter. Then we fixed it. We did. Waiting till two summers ago to realize Black lives matter is like needing to see that documentary to know SeaWorld is bad. Like, “Did you know whales shouldn’t live in a sink?” But white women, they really put in the work, you know? We protested. We made signs. We really tried. But then something terrible happened to a lot of white women. Something terrible happened to us. Some of us realized that we’ve actually been racist this whole time. We were shocked! We were so shocked, we pulled our purse closer. But after that, we were like, “Well, from now on, we’re gonna learn, we’re gonna listen, we’re gonna hear, we’re gonna open a small Black business. But most importantly, from now on, we’re gonna do better. We wanna do better.” And all jokes aside, I think that’s the only way forward for us as a society. You can’t change the past. All you can do is better moving forward. And I think that’s what we should try to do. [cheers and applause] Except… that’s almost exactly the same thing men said about #MeToo, and we found that answer completely unacceptable. Men were like, “Us? The whole time?” “Well, from now on, we’re gonna learn, we’re gonna listen, we’re gonna hear, we’re gonna open a small Black business. But most importantly, from now on, we’re gonna do better. We wanna do better.” And we were like, “No! Not good enough! You all have to die! It doesn’t matter what you did, you could’ve raped somebody or accidentally whispered into a boob. It’s all the same! And you have to die!” #MeToo was the worst-run movement I’ve ever seen. We ran #MeToo like Amelia Earhart. We crashed it immediately. It should’ve been a conversation. We needed to have a conversation about these things, and you weren’t even allowed to ask questions. And I know men had questions, because I had questions. Like I’d hear some women say something that was a #MeToo, and I’d be like, “Hey, the thing that you just said is a #MeToo, is actually a thing that I like.” So how do we tell men about that? Some women would be like, “Men shouldn’t use their power to have sex.” And then other women would be like, “I like it when men use their power to have sex.” And then men were like, “Can you tell us which one you are? And we were like, “No! But for different reasons.” Some women would be like, “This man, he hit on me at work. It made me uncomfortable. That’s harassment.” It’s like, “Okay, so do you want no one to hit on you at work?” “No, I only want the men who I want to hit on me to hit on me at work.” “Okay, do you wanna make, like, a list of who they are?” “No, I’m mysterious.” “Well then, buckle up, Nancy Drew, you’ve got some uncomfortable times headed your way.” White women, we do this all the time, we say, “You made me uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable.” Like we’re supposed to be comfortable. I’ve never been comfortable once in my entire life. When I’m about to fall asleep, at my most relaxed, when I’m about to fall asleep, my body jerks awake, like, “Never rest, bitch!” We say everything makes us uncomfortable– men, women– We say women make us uncomfortable. That’s the one I hate the most. We say women of color, all the time, we tell them they make us uncomfortable. Like, a couple of years ago, at the Super Bowl, we say J. Lo and Shakira made us uncomfortable. A couple years before that at the Super Bowl, we said Beyoncé made us uncomfortable. A couple years before that at the Super Bowl, we said Janet Jackson made us uncomfortable. I think a lot of white women only see women of color at the Super Bowl. They’re like, “This show is different than Friends.” But this one makes me so mad, because this one, women, we say it’s family values. We say, “How dare those women move their hips like that in front of my children and my husband. It’s immoral.” I don’t think that’s the word you meant. I think you meant “jealous.” “How dare you show my husband how hips can move like mine can’t.” You ever seen a white woman try to twerk? You ever seen it? It looks like Pinocchio trying to walk as a real boy for the first time. Just like… “Am I doing it?” Thank you, guys, very much. I’m Michelle Wolf, have a good night. [cheers and applause] [Burr] Michelle Wolf, everybody! Michelle Wolf, come on! Killing it, killing it. All right, you guys hanging in there, you’re having a good time, right? Just keeps getting better. All right, this next guy comes all the way from London, England, one of the biggest comics out there, he has a great special out called His Dark Material on Netflix, please welcome the one and only Jimmy Carr, everybody, come on! [cheers and applause] Nice. Okay. Thank you, thank you very much. Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Jimmy Carr. It’s great to be with you here this evening. I’ll tell you why it’s great to be here. We’re drinking, my friends, in the Last Chance Saloon. What I’m saying onstage tonight is barely acceptable now. In ten years’ time, fucking forget about it. You’re gonna be able to tell your grandchildren about seeing this show. Yeah. You’ll say, “I saw a man, and he stood on stage, and he made light of serious situations. We used to call them jokes. And people would laugh.” And your grandchildren will ask, they’ll say, “Non-binary elder.” [laughter] “Non-binary elder, what’s a joke?” And you’ll say, “You are.” I say you can joke about anything, but not with anyone. I think with you good people this evening, I should be fine, right? [audience cheers] Well, let’s see, shall we? We’ll put that to the test. Having sex is like riding a bike… my uncle taught me when I was a kid. People say the best things in life are free, but those people have clearly never had sex. I like it when the girl puts the condom on for you, but I was asked to leave the pharmacy. My girlfriend doesn’t think that her sister is trustworthy, but believe me, that girl can keep a secret. Is anyone here in a controlling relationship? Raise your partner’s hand. Yes. I want One Direction to do a BTS covers medley at my funeral, because that way, I’ll be glad I’m dead. Now, you might think this is silly, but I assure you it’s absolutely true. When Zane left One Direction, for me, it was like 9/11. Yeah, I didn’t care about that either. Well, there’s a real generational divide there, I can see… Some people are looking at me like, “9/11, steady on.” And other people are looking at me like, “One Direction, don’t take their name in vain!” I was actually supposed to be on one of the planes on 9/11. But the more interesting story is how I met Osama. When you’re young, pedophiles are something to laugh at, the local creep. But then you grow up, have your own kids, with their own unique personalities and quirks and difficulties, and it suddenly hits you. “What the fuck do these pedos see in these little shits?” I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation, would you like to see it? [audience cheers] Okay, I just need a young volunteer who can keep a secret, come on up. Yeah. What are you getting up for? Wait a second, this is a teachable moment. If a grown man beckons you forth, as he undoes his flies, this is some stranger danger, son. What’s your name? Mikey. [Carr] Mikey. Let’s hear it for Mikey, everyone. That– because, you know why? That is commitment to a night out at a comedy show. That is a young man that’s thought to himself, “Oh, it’s the bit in the show where I suck his cock. Great!” Everyone loved Michael Jackson in the ’80s, right? He was the coolest guy in the world. Coolest guy in the world, bar none. And really, the high point of that cool was the moonwalk at the Grammys. Remember that? People lost their minds at how cool it was, when really, the moonwalk was no more than– it was that. I know I’m not nailing this, but that was the gist of it, right? That was the coolest shit we’d ever fucking seen! Of course, we didn’t realize at the time, it had been developed for sneaking in and out of children’s bedrooms. We had no idea. It’s so obvious now. Now, I’ve never fucked a kid. I nearly did just then, didn’t I? But I’ve never fucked a kid. But if I did fuck a kid, I think I know how I’d leave the room. Do you remember the incident in the ’90s with Michael Jackson? Where he was on tour in Germany? He had the whole top floor of a hotel? And he had the baby, and he held the baby over the balcony, and he shook the baby. Crazy. You can’t get cum off a baby like that. [cheers and applause] Somewhat ironically that has really separated the men from the boys, hasn’t it? I’ve been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much indeed. Cheers. Good night. Thank you. Cheers. [Burr] Jimmy Carr, everybody. Not bad for a foreigner, huh? Yeah, he comes from England. That’s ground zero for white people right there. Yes, it is. That’s why I got the vaccine, because they were testing it out in England first. And I’m like, “That’s the whitest fucking place ever. That shit must work.” Right? If they tried it out initially in Haiti, I’d be like, “All right. My people are up to their old tricks again.” “Are they putting it in blankets?” “Oh!” It happened. You’re groaning history, you fucking pussies. All right, let’s keep this show moving along. This next comedian, I actually just saw a clip of her on Instagram a couple months ago and instantly became a huge fan. She’s absolutely hilarious. I love her to death. Please welcome Steph Tolev, everybody. Come on, Steph Tolev. [cheers and applause] [Burr] Welcome back. [Tolev shouts] Hey! How the hell are we? This is nice, ‘scuse me, gotta air out the puss, huh? Gotta let the big ol’ gal breathe a bit, huh, ladies? Take in a deep, big breath of air, huh? I’m wearing shorts, what are you, 16? You’re like, “Whoopsies, excuse me, how are we?” I’m kidding, I check IDs. How are we? This is fun. How do we like the mullet? [audience cheers] Okay, now that’s a reaction! Did any straight men clap? Not enough of you, not enough! Damn it all to hell. I am straight, and this haircut is not fucking helping me. Neither is anything I’m doing right now. Does this help, if I take a knee? Is this what men like? When a gal gets down like this? I’m straight, I’ll prove it right now, I swear to God. Little guy, get up here, I’ll jerk you off right now, I swear to God. Bring your little friend, I’ll do you both at the same time. Yeah! Fuck! Like those ropes in the gym… All right! Here we go! Fuck! I’ll make ’em slap, don’t worry. Oh, it’s not gonna feel good, no, no, no. No, you’re not gonna like it at all. I’ll make sure you finish, don’t worry. [laughs evilly] It’ll take a while. I’m so sorry, I don’t wanna be like this, um… I’ve tried women, I have. You’re like, “We know.” I’ve tried several times. I keep ending up down there, I’m like, “This again? What the heck am I eating out?” I finish my plate though, I’m not rude. I’m not gonna leave it, that’s rude, I lick the whole thing clean. What am I, a waste? I don’t think so. Oh, I’m not a rude person, I swear to God. Dating in LA is a nightmare, can we agree? It’s a fucking piece of shit, dating here? [light cheering] Yeah. Four people, the rest of you are in love. Go suck my ass. Pieces of shit. I’m a boiled ham in Los Angeles on Tinder. Don’t– Relax, I’m a hot piece in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So don’t worry. Yeah, get my tits sucked right off in Michigan, feels good. I will say though, I did clean up on Tinder in LA during the pandemic because, ooh, all the hot boys, you got real sad, didn’t ya? You got real lonely. And you got real desperate. And all the pretty blond girls didn’t swipe right, did they? Guess who did? [laughs] Old Stephy T. crawled out of the well. [laughs] Oh yeah, I fucked a bunch of tens. Felt good, felt good. Yeah, thank you, it felt good to be on top for once, it really did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One cried. Paul. Yeah, he was very upset. He’s like, “Can we please turn lights off?” I’m like, “We’re keeping them on.” I was being disgusting during the pandemic, just being a gross person. I was having sex outside. I’m like, “You can’t get COVID if you’re in a field.” You can get chlamydia, though. You can, you can. Yeah, but is it chlamydia if all of the STD clinics are closed? Yeah, it was chlamydia, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You need a pill for that drip, big time, big time. Only person who’s had an STD, shut up. I’ll come by and check your underwear one by one. You’re like, “This is very strange, please don’t.” Are you pigs still 69-ing out there? [audience cheering] Disgusting, every last one of you. I think it should be a federal offense. You should be arrested on sight for doing it. It’s for young, hot, thin people. You get older, you get bigger, things get slippy, things get sloppy. I got duped by a man at 10:00 a.m. with two rattails. It’s a lot to unpack. Take that in for a second. Two rattails? One rattail too many. Two rattails? Two too many. 10:00 a.m., 69 lady? No one’s ready for that. On all fours, sun beaming directly into your asshole. Oh, you all have pristine anuses in this room? I don’t think so. The same mullet on my head, also over my asshole. Doesn’t matter how many times I shave. There’s a couple stragglers back there, huh? Couple loosies peeking out to say, “Hello! Miss me?” I’m on all fours, sucking in, I’m tucking in, everything’s hanging out. Oh, only one other woman has a fat labia? Yeah, right. No one has the old dog tongue, just hanging out the side? I’m the only one? Relax. I’m holding onto his ankles, his feet are so dirty for some reason. Covered with hair and crumbs, I’m like, “Where were you before this, man? “Walking around a play place? Turn on a sock, what are you doing?” Looking at his long, disgusting balls. I’m like, “I don’t think they’re supposed to be stretched out like this, why is it? It just looks like something ran it over before you got here. You need to seek medical attention immediately after this.” Sniffing the tip of his disgusting penis. Every man in this room thinks that women smell down there. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, your cock fucking reeks. Sorry. Excuse me. Yeah, the guys got real quiet, huh? Let’s see who we got here, guy in the front row. You’ve got a stinker. You’ve got an old, tiny, middle of a book stink, huh? The Old Testament, this guy smells like. So easy to clean it, simple stuff. Go to the bathroom, fill up the sink, dip him in. Splish splash, just the tip, mwah, a little smooch to the water. You don’t think every girl in here has gone to freshen up? You guys know what freshening up means? When we go, “Be right back!” [laughs] In the bathroom, sink on, leg up, full blast like… “Fuck me! Fuck! He’s gonna know!” Using that watered-down soap, if there’s no suds, that’s no longer soap. That’s water in a jar. Using that crusted towel, just wipes the water around. Come out dripping, he’s like, “You ready to go?” I’m like, “Yeah, I’m horny, let’s fucking do this. You made me so wet.” Men don’t like funny women. You say you do, you say you want it. No, you don’t. No you don’t, you’re liars. Especially in the bedroom. Not the time, not the place, don’t bring the jokes to the boudoir. Kept doing this one bit where I take out a guy’s dick and go, “Is this thing on?” Never got a laugh, not once. Did it for a year, it was like, “Read the room.” Kept doing this other bit, this one I had to stop because guys were getting freaked out before we’d finish up. He’d be like, “Oh, what do I do with the condom?” I’m like, “I’ll take that.” “I’m saving it for later!” And I would pretend that I had a weird mini-fridge in my room for some reason, I’m like, “It’s still warm.” [growls] I’m like, “Why am I acting like a gargoyle the second sex is finished?” So if anybody wants to come back to my well tonight, I got a little bit more room in the fridge. [growls] Thank you so much, my name is Steph Tolev. [cheers and applause] Steph Tolev, everybody, Steph Tolev. Come on! Amazing, amazing. “Middle of a book stink.” I don’t think I’ll forget that. I don’t even read, and I know what that smells like. The next people coming to the stage, two of my favorite comedians actually come out together and do something called “Bumping Mics.” Please welcome Jeff Ross and Dave Attell. [cheers and applause] What’s up? Here you go. Boom! Bump it out! How’s it going, everybody? Bump it out! Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! Awesome! Yeah! Look at it. This is amazing, Dave. Welcome to Hollywood, baby. We did it. Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival, what do you think? Dude, I am so excited, I gotta tell you something. First of all, I haven’t seen this guy in like, three variants. And you know, Jeff, I know, um, you can’t stay all night because you have to get up early to work security at a food court. But, um… Thanks, Dave. It’s a slamfest, my friend. I’m gonna be nice to you, I don’t wanna tease you because… you know, Dave and I, Dave’s had some health issues, we have the same doctor. My proctologist is Dave’s ear, nose, and throat doctor. Jeff, you know what? Dave’s… I’m gonna keep going, motherfucker. Go ahead, buddy, hit me with something already. Dave’s not on TikTok, but he does have seconds to live. Everyone loves a math joke. Can I do some more? Can I– Hold on! Dave how long have you… Can I do some… No! Dave’s not just a good comedian, he’s also a great impressionist. Every night he does an impression of Amber Heard when he shits his bed. Oh, dude, all right, that’s it. Hey, it’s time for me to go. All right? Jeff, you know, I have to tell you this, all right? You’re the kind of guy who buys a gerbil, but keeps the receipt, just in case it doesn’t fit. All right? They grow, they grow. I’m just telling you, buddy. I don’t care, Dave, I’m feeling invincible. I just got my 38th vaccine shot. [Attell] Sweet. Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson… [Attell] That’s the best. I’ve been licking strangers’ assholes at the airport all day, I feel great. Oh, why not? Did you get vaccinated? Well, I’m old, so I got mine in 1919. You know, it was me, Chaplin, and… This crowd’s so young, they don’t even know what we’re talking about here. I got COVID. Any other COVID survivors? [audience cheers] Anybody else lose their sense of taste? I went to see the Dave Matthews Band at the Greek. Nice one. Thanks. [Attell] Wow. It was touch and go with Nickelback for a while, but I’m okay now. Jeff, you’re killing it tonight. It’s good times, Dave. And look at this crowd, dude, I know how you love to jump into the crowd. You are the Roastmaster. Are you going down? Go down, buddy. Get down there. Here he comes, everyone, the Roastmaster. [Ross] Oh, look at this guy. Fully vaxxed, fully waxed. All right. Who wants to say hi? You want to say hi? Stand up for a second. Oh. Look, it’s Dave Chappelle’s security guard. Wow. I got a question for this guy. What? What’s your name, buddy? My name’s Ari. Ari, what time does Legoland open? I wanna know… Who you here with, Ari? The rest of the yeshiva? This guy right here, the whole cast of Squid Game. [Attell] Yes! Thank you for coming. I won a lot of money on you, man. Way to go. This is like an infomercial for My Pillow. I love it. Miss, how ya doing? Dave, you have a cat joke for this woman? Nice. What’s your name? Kat. Jeff, we only got seven minutes before they take back the audio. Come on. Get back up here, dude. We have to bring it, buddy. It’s a good crowd, Dave, very good crowd. They’re awesome. I got a big week coming up. What are you doing? I have an audition tomorrow for Alec Baldwin’s new sitcom. What is it? Yeah, it’s called “30 Glock.” It’s a cross between Just Shoot Me! and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Oh, my God. Is nothing sacred? Nothing. What about you? What’s going on with you? Well, you saw that movie about my career, A Quiet Place? Yeah. And, um… I don’t know what to tell ya, buddy, um… We comics, we need each other. And we need to laugh more than ever. [Attell] We do. I wanna give a shout-out to my friend, and Dave’s favorite comic of all time, Gilbert Gottfried who passed away recently. One of the greats. He was a great guy. I was with him the night before he passed away, and then you went to see him. You might be the last person that ever saw him alive. Yes, I’ll never forget holding that pillow over his head. And– I was trying to make him comfortable. In honor of our friend Gilbert, can we have a moment of screaming? Yes. [audience screams] Thank you, I love you guys so much. Can we bring Bill out for a second? [Attell] Yeah, let’s bring Bill out. Here he comes. What’s up, gentlemen? Captain of the ship. Hi, Bill. I don’t like standing in between the two of you guys. Feel like you’re gonna say something, make me hurt my feelings or something. Thanks for having us on your shitty show. It’s awesome. Well, they said we want to get some of the shittiest comics we could find, and I said, “I can get you two for one.” [Attell] Thank you. [all laugh] Hey! [Attell] Good hit, Bill. [Ross] That’s good. Why are you wearing a children’s bathrobe? Nice one, Bill. I always wondered what the Blue Man Group would look like when they weren’t wearing the makeup. And it’s– Oh, guilty as charged. I like it. I like it, Dave. Dave, I gotta tell you, you’re my favorite hoarder. [laughs] Thank you. Nice to see you wore your clean jacket for this TV taping. Bill, and I can never thank you enough for letting me live in your car. I really… Dave’s dressed for Wednesday and Thursday. Thank you. You look like that guy they interview on the news, “This guy was here to see it!” Nice. “Can you tell us what happened, sir?” You guys… Bill Burr is such a great guy… Fuck you, Jeff. A great comedian. Get off the stage. He is. He’s one of the best. This guy’s so New England, he’s the color of clam chowder. [all laugh] [Attell] Nice. [Burr] Oh, that one hurt. [Attell] You got him. You got him good. You look like you just got fished out of a lake. Jeff looks like Bill if he made way better choices. I’m good with that. Yes. I look like Bill Burp. I have the best job because I get to work with my favorite comedian. Aw, thanks. Thank you, Dave. Thank you for coming to LA. Thank you for having me on the show. Thank you guys for being awesome. Jeff Ross, Dave Attell. Bill Burr. “Bumping Mics.” Thank you, Bill. Leaving me hanging on the five. “Bumping Mics.” Jeff Ross, Dave Attell. Two Jews without money. You don’t see that a lot. They really looked homeless, didn’t they? This next guy coming to the stage, he’s one of my favorite comics, I started out with him a long time ago back in New York, when we both had hair. He’s one of the best joke writers I ever met, and a tremendous person. Please welcome Ian Edwards, everybody. Come on! [cheers and applause] What’s up, everybody? How’s everybody doing? [audience cheering] Shit, I’m the only Black guy on the show, and I gotta follow two white guys. Everybody good? [audience cheering] All right, that’s dope. All right, Jimmy earlier was talking about Michael Jackson. And I spent a lot of the pandemic watching TV. If you have seen the Michael Jackson documentary on HBO and still listen to his music, you are a piece of shit. Straight trash. Now, I on the other hand, have not seen the documentary. So I can listen to his music guilt-free, you know what I’m saying? Y’all fucked-up, I found a loophole. Michael Jackson for life, baby. Yeah. I even canceled my HBO subscription. Just so I don’t stumble across that shit on accident. I’m sorry, y’all, I was raised on Michael Jackson, and I heard he ruined those kids’ childhood. I ain’t gonna watch that shit and have him ruin mine. Also watched Handmaid’s Tale. Any Handmaid’s Tale fans in the house? [audience cheering] All right, we got some. It’s based on a book written in 1984, and it’s a fictional story, set in a dystopian future, where a totalitarian government enslaves America, and then we have a hero, her name is June Osborne, and she rescues her baby, and then stays behind. And then she rescues 78 other people, and then stays behind. Then she escapes, comes back, and rescues 25 other people. And I was talking to the homie, and I was like, “Wait a minute. This is the Harriet Tubman story.” It’s like the author moved slavery to the future, and made white women the heroes. Which is fucked-up. ‘Cause Black people, we didn’t want slavery, but now you can’t steal it from us. And then charge us money to watch it on Hulu. Now we gotta pay for this shit twice? And now you can’t even make the Harriet Tubman story, ’cause everybody’s gonna be like, “Hey, man, that’s Handmaid’s Tale. I can’t believe these Black people are culturally appropriating from us.” I’m glad the pandemic is over. You know, one thing I do miss about the pandemic was the no traffic. Like, no traffic in LA was mwah! Right? Right? I used to get in my car during the pandemic, and the homies would be like, “Where are you going?” And I’d be like, “Nowhere. I just wanna see how long it really takes to get there.” “Two minutes? Why the fuck did this shit used to take five days?” But now traffic is back. Don’t you all feel frustrated in traffic? Yeah? Am I the only person here that feels like murdering someone in traffic? All right, cool. That makes me comfortable enough to admit to y’all that regular traffic bugs me way more than sex trafficking. You feel me? ‘Cause a sex trafficker’s never made me late for work. They actually gotta be the best drivers on the road. ‘Cause they can’t afford to get into an accident. Or pulled over. So whenever you’re driving and some dude is like, “Go ahead, cut in front of me, you’re good, you’re good.” That’s a vicious fucking animal right there. With two girls tied up in his trunk. And whenever some dude cuts you off, gives you the finger, and then steps out of his truck to fight you, that’s a decent human being. With nothin’ to hide. Shake his hand. He’s grinding for his family. I feel really bad for women who are being sex trafficked, and they’re stuck in traffic. And I know it sounds cold-blooded, but I’m a dude. I don’t have to worry about sex trafficking. I don’t have any daughters, and my sisters are not in sex trafficking shape. I know it’s fucked-up. All right, let me just ask one question before I get outta here. Why do pregnant couples have gender reveal parties when they don’t know what gender their kid is gonna claim? Right? Why don’t they just wait a few birthdays, and then let the kid tell them? And then they can have the party. What if you’re wrong? You’re gonna be wrong and burn down half of California? Then you have this video of this party that you threw for your kid that you can never show your kid. Then you got to tell everybody who was at the party, “Don’t ever tell my child about that fucking party.” And you know the kid’s gonna find the video. And one day, he’s like, “Hey, y’all, get in here. What the fuck is this? That smoke ain’t me. Can’t believe you spent all this money on this party, and I need that money for my operation… so I can be who I really wanna be.” All I’m saying is, if you’re a dad, and you always wanted a son, and the smoke is pink, don’t give up.” My name is Ian Edwards. Good night, y’all. Peace. [cheers and applause] Ian Edwards! This next guy coming to the stage is one of my great friends that I’ve had in life. Forget about as a stand-up comedian, he’s an absolutely amazing friend and stand-up comedian, I love him to death. Please welcome the one and only Joe Bartnick, everybody. Come on, Joe Bartnick! [cheers and applause] What is up, Los Angeles? [cheers and applause] I’m in a good mood, I’m feeling good. I recently lost 80 pounds. [audience cheers] I know what you’re thinking, “He still kinda looks like shit.” I know, that’s why I’m wearing a collared shirt, you got man-titties, you gotta wear a collar. Takes 15 right off the top. That’s why golfers wear ’em, it makes ’em almost look athletic. Like, I can’t wear a wifebeater. You can’t wear a wifebeater, if you look like a wife beater. If you have a six pack, wear a wifebeater. If you just drank a six pack, keep your sleeves on. I know a young girl like yourself, you want abs. I get it. But the older ladies who have lost all their hopes and dreams, they dig the dad bod. Yeah, ladies, this body says “fun.” This body says, “Everybody’s getting appetizers.” Nobody has to split dessert with this body. This body’s built for comfort. This body sleeps in on Saturdays. Nobody has to get up and ride a bike with this body. Glad I lost the weight, though, ’cause now I can shop at Marshall’s again. Yeah, ’cause now I can fit in double-X clothing. There’s nothing left at Marshall’s with triple-X. It’s all green or purple or fuchsia. I can’t wear those colors. I’m not Black. Yeah, Black guys look good in anything. Black guys look good bald. Imagine me bald. Black guys look good in dreadlocks. A white guy has dreadlocks, you’re like, “Fucking asshole.” Black guy has ’em, you’re like, “That guy’s cool.” I’m not even really white. I’m Italian. Yeah. We weren’t white until the ’40s. Till Frank Sinatra and Joe DiMaggio. You have to be really good at something, then they’ll let you be white. Like Obama, they let him be white. Prince, Prince was white. OJ was white for a while, then he fucked it up. Will Smith is the whitest man alive. He assaulted a Black dude and they gave him an award. Tiger Woods is white again! How awesome is that? I fucking love Tiger. He’s my man. Wearing the black pants and the red shirt on Sunday. I love Tiger so much I used to listen to golf on the radio. People got upset when he cheated on his wife. “How could he cheat on her? She’s beautiful, she’s gorgeous, she’s an 11.” [whines] That’s exactly why he cheated on her. Because she’s beautiful and gorgeous. You know she just laid there in bed and didn’t move. She didn’t have to. She’s beautiful. But Tiger’s got a billion dollars. He wants someone to lick his ass. Like only someone who works in an Applebee’s can. I’m Joe Bartnick! You guys have been fantastic. [cheers and applause] Joe Bartnick, everybody. This next comedian, oh man, she is unbelievable. This is one of the few comics, there’s a handful of ’em out there that if you’re going on after ’em, you’re sitting in the back of the club, you gotta come up with a game plan, ’cause she fucking destroys. Absolutely hilarious, please welcome Jessica Kirson, everybody. Come on! Jessica Kirson! [cheers and applause] Hey, how ya doin’? Great. I’m so miserable, ugh. Although I, you know, I am a miserable person. I… basically, I can barely get out of bed. This is a lot, for me to be here right now. I know some of you look really sad. I don’t care how this goes, I have to be honest with you. Um, it doesn’t matter anymore. Basically, during COVID, I stopped chewing food. I just started fucking my face with it, I’ve never cut my wrists, but I started cutting my mouth on the inside with chips. I became a cutter on the inside, just… [loud gag] You know, just fucking my face. And I was like, “I’m gonna blow up again. I’m gonna blow up.” ‘Cause I used to be a house. If you Google me, Zillow will come up, I was a fucking house. So, I was like, “I need to do something.” So I joined Weight Watchers, where you download the app, and it counts the points. The problem is I lie on it. I lie on my own app, and I’m the only one that sees it. Do you know how sick that is? The other day, I had a pint of ice cream, and I wrote down “one baby carrot.” Like, that’s insane. ‘Cause I was a fat kid. Um, I was really fat. I actually went to fat camp. It was amazing, like, fat camp was the best time of my life. My parents didn’t send me, I wanted to go. Every summer I was like, “I want to go to fat camp!” ‘Cause that’s how fat kids talk, ’cause we slam doughnuts, and muffins and furniture in our throats, like, “I want to go to fat camp!” I’m gonna keep doing it till all of you laugh. I’ll do it for the next five minutes. “I wanna go…” I just peed. Anyway, so, fat camp was fun. We all went on our own bus. We used to play a lot of fun games, like breathing, um… chafing, try-to-hide-and-seek. Try-to-hide-and-seek was great, I would say to my friend Jodi, “I can see you behind the barn, you fat fuck. Find a mountain.” Anyway… I have four daughters from two baby mamas. I’m like a fucking rapper, I call myself “Lil Jew.” I saw an old friend recently, and she’s like, “You have four daughters? Were they planned?” I think it’s the dumbest question that anyone’s ever asked me in my entire life, if my children with women were planned. I’m like, “No, I wasn’t wearing protection, they were all a mistake, and we’re pro-life so we kept them for Jesus. Jesus.” Let’s get even darker with this, because some of you look uptight, like I feel like your assholes are like this right now. Yeah. Yeah, this is gonna be fun. Religious people, some of them say that gay people try to make their kids gay. That we, you know, we want them to be gay. And I hate to admit that, at this show right now with this taping, but that is totally true. That is the only reason I agreed to have children, was to create four big dykes. I don’t care if my kids are kind, I don’t care if they’re loving, I don’t care if they smell like feces, I don’t care if they’re educated, I just want them to be fucking truck drivers. That’s all I care about. So we are doing everything we can to make that happen. And by the way, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but we’re out to get your kids too. This goes out to all the straight people in the audience, everywhere around the world, we have secret Facebook groups, we have a ton of funding, we have vans, we have candy, we even have long nets, where we can grab your children from off the lawn. Look how dumb some of you are, you’re like… So we have been doing everything we can to make our children dykes. We’ve been taking them to a lot of softball games. All four of my daughters have crewcuts, they have military haircuts. We’ve been blasting the Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge into their ears, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They march everywhere with feminist signs, and we named all four of them Hillary Rodham Clinton, so we’re just… Jessica, that joke would’ve done a lot better if you didn’t fuck it up, but it’s okay. You’re really talented, you really are. You work so hard, you know, everything’s gonna be okay. You’re almost done, it’s all gonna be okay. And soon you’ll be in your hotel room and you can secretly eat. You know, today you ate a bag of Tostitos and told yourself it was a serving of corn. You’re a liar. You lie to yourself on a daily basis. And the guy in the second row is not your father. Okay, some of you– yeah. It’s all gonna be okay, it’s all– I love you so much, you just got that. Because it was very creative what I just did, and it was improv, but some people won’t get it, ’cause they’re not aware. Do you understand? They have no idea what I just did. They don’t understand that I just completely turned around and had a conversation with themselves. They think I’m mentally ill. Which I am, I’m heavily medicated and I haven’t felt my vagina in three years. Okay, what the fuck did I just say? This is the thing, I have very bad anxiety, and loud voices make me crazy, and I was at a store the other day, and these two girls were having a conversation, and I could not believe what it sounded like, this is literally what it sounded like: [high-pitched] “Oh my God, Chelsea, you’re not gonna believe it, but I was on Instagram the other day and I posted the most amazing video, because I went to Sephora and had my makeup done, ‘and it was like unbelievable, because it looked so good. Nobody commented, nobody did anything. I couldn’t believe it because I looked so amazing, like, everyone’s upset about the war, but the war isn’t happening here, so like, who cares about the war? I don’t care about the war… [gibberish] I put the same video on TikTok… [gibberish] The other girl was like, “Oh my God, you should’ve called me or texted me, I’m your best friend, like…” [gibberish] [normal voice] So I killed them, I fucking killed them. I know, I did. I killed them. Because I don’t think you realize this, these girls aren’t going anywhere. That’s who’s gonna be in our country, they’re staying, they’re gonna have jobs. Like, your kids are gonna go to school and walk into math class… [high-pitched] “Oh my God, girls, welcome to math class! This is gonna be so exciting, it’s… [gibberish] Algebra! It’s gonna be amazing!” [normal voice] Like, you’re gonna go to a therapist that talks like that. You’re gonna walk in and be like, “Hi, I’m just really anxious.” [high-pitched] “Oh my God! You’re anxious? That’s so horrible, well, I haven’t been feeling well at all. Like, I haven’t been able to swallow. I met the cutest guy the other day, I swallowed his load, I was like… I swallowed his load, and it’s been really hard for me too.” [normal voice] How do you fuck a girl like that? I don’t understand, I’ve been fucking women for years. [high-pitched] “Oh my God, fuck me harder, that feels so amazing, fuck me harder…” [gibberish] “That feels so good, I’m gonna cum. Oh my God, I’m gonna kill all your ex-girlfriends, you better call me. [deep voice] You better call me!” [high-pitched gibberish] “Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…” [gibberish] “Oh my God, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna kill your mother, [deep voice] I’m gonna kill your mother, motherfucker!” [high-pitched gibberish] “Oh my God, I’m gonna kill someone, oh my God, I’m cumming!” You guys are amazing, I’m Jessica Kirson, thank you so much. Thank you, I love you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. [Burr] Jessica Kirson, everybody! [cheers and applause] Jessica Kirson, absolutely murdering like I told you she would. All right, we got a band back here, everybody, say hello to the band. This is the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band. [audience cheers] They do a great show. A lot of comedians started off playing in bands. They still have that musical thing they wanna get involved in, so they created this band for guys to come out and sing along to. The man that created it, I will be introducing right now, one of my great friends, absolutely hilarious comedian from Baltimore. Please welcome Josh Adam Meyers! [cheers and applause] I need each and every one of you guys to stand up right now. Everybody in here, stand up. Stop sitting. You’re all young. One, two, three, four… No. I know what you’re wondering. ♪ None of you know who the fuck I am ♪ ♪ Why is this guy Such an egomaniac? ♪ ♪ Because I don’t have an act So I have to sing ♪ ♪ Hey Haw Everybody go ♪ ♪ Hey Haw ♪ ♪ Like the ’90s ♪ Come on! ♪ Hey Haw ♪ ♪ Everybody go ♪ ♪ Hey Haw ♪ ♪ Just the Black guy ♪ ♪ Hey Haw ♪ Fuck, dude. I mean, it was something. So we didn’t get a song clearance, so we wrote our own, but we need help from all of you guys here. So you really have to sing this, all right? It goes like this. ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ Come on! ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck Your buttcheeks… ♪ Make it loud! ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your… ♪ Bring it down. Now whisper it. [whispering] ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪ Come on. ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ Even quieter. ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪ Come on. ♪ You’re acting like This isn’t being recorded ♪ ♪ For Netflix ♪ ♪ You’re coming at me with straight Amazon Prime energy ♪ This is fucking Netflix, dude. Now just breathe it, going like this… [rhythmic breathing] [rhythmic breathing continues] ♪ This is how you get COVID ♪ ♪ No wonder we’re three years Into pandemic ♪ Make some noise if you had COVID. COVID. I sound like I’m from Philadelphia. [thick accent] Who’s had COVID? ♪ I’ve had COVID twice ♪ [audience member] Twice! ♪ I had the original strain from Wuhan ♪ ♪ And the rereleased box set ♪ ♪ That came out a few months ago ♪ Make some noise if you were in a relationship during COVID. [audience cheers] A few of you guys. I was single the whole time. And if there was ever a time for the American people, the people of the world to be having the most sex possible, it was during COVID. Specifically when you have it. Think about it. You couldn’t taste, and you couldn’t smell. I mean, if there was ever an era of eating ass. You’d be like, “You just got back from a three-hour hike?” I had no idea. ♪ Fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ Come on! ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna… ♪ ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪ ♪ We’re gonna… ♪ ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks ♪ Everybody sing it with me! ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck… ♪ End it! This is your note, dude. Sing it! ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Uh-huh ♪ Guys, make some noise for the band, everybody, come on. [cheers and applause] [Burr] All right, Josh Adam Meyers, everybody! Josh Adam Meyers. That was a terrible handshake, but a great set. Goddamn Comedy Jam Band. We’re gonna do one more. We got another great comedian coming out now who’s gonna sing a song with the band. This is a guy that I saw, I actually saw him the first time, I was flying on an airplane. I saw this video of him, I was like, “This guy is funny. This guy has potential.” And like, a week later, he was on The Daily Show. He’s been in movies, he’s put out incredible stand-up specials. I love this guy, he’s hilarious. Please welcome Ronnie Chieng, everybody. Ronnie Chieng. Thank you, Bill, thank you. Keep it going for Bill Burr, keep it going for the band, keep it going for yourselves. You guys are the best. Thanks for hanging with us. Now listen. Listen, normally I come out here and do jokes. But with the state of the world being what it is, and the problems that we’re facing, don’t share the problems, please. The problems that we’re facing in today’s world. Johnny Depp’s divorce, Elon Musk buying Twitter, Netflix’s share prices. I thought I’d do my part to try to help fix this. And what better way than to sing a song. Thank you. So I’m gonna sing a song tonight, and not just any song. I’m going to sing a traditional Malaysian song… from my homeland. It’s a song I used to sing to inspire myself when I was younger and first starting to do comedy. The song is called “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. Take it away, band. [Meyers] If you know the words, then we want you all singing with us, all right? Do we get some energy for you guys? Come on! [audience cheering] ♪ You think I’m pretty Without any makeup on ♪ ♪ You think I’m funny When I tell the punchline wrong ♪ ♪ I know you get me So I let my walls come down ♪ ♪ Down ♪ ♪ Before you met me I was alright ♪ ♪ But things were kinda heavy ♪ ♪ You brought me to life Now every February ♪ ♪ You’ll be my Valentine Valentine ♪ ♪ Let’s go all the way tonight No regrets, just love ♪ ♪ We can dance Until we die ♪ ♪ You and I Will be young forever ♪ ♪ You make me Feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream ♪ ♪ The way you turn me on I can’t sleep ♪ ♪ Let’s run away And don’t ever look back ♪ ♪ Don’t ever look back ’cause ♪ ♪ My heart stops When you look at me ♪ ♪ Just one touch Now, baby, I believe ♪ ♪ This is real ♪ ♪ So take a chance And don’t ever look back ♪ ♪ Don’t ever look back ♪ ♪ Get your heart racing In my skin-tight jeans ♪ ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪ ♪ Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans ♪ ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪ Ronnie Chieng, everybody. I mean, he’s just incredible… ♪ You make me Feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream ♪ ♪ The way you turn me on ♪ ♪ I can’t sleep Let’s run away ♪ ♪ And don’t ever look back Don’t ever look back ’cause ♪ ♪ My heart stops When you look at me ♪ ♪ Just one touch Now, baby, I believe ♪ ♪ This is real ♪ ♪ So take a chance And don’t ever look back ♪ ♪ Don’t ever look… ♪ ♪ I’ma get your heart racing In my skin-tight jeans ♪ ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪ ♪ Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans ♪ ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪ [cheers and applause] Ronnie Chieng, everybody. Ronnie Chieng! Josh Adam Meyers and the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band! Give it up for yourselves, thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. We had a great time making you laugh. We’ll see you, thank you, thank you. [Ross] What’s the point of the show, Bill? Are you gonna play drums tonight, or what’s gonna happen? No. I’m a big believer in not doing your hobby on TV. [all laugh] Killing it, having a good time. My name was Lifschultz back then, they had to use a smaller font. And how was doing comedy in the fifties? It was good, it was good. You’re gonna let him get away with that? Come on, look at that blazer. I didn’t realize you were gonna be dressed as a ventriloquist dummy’s dummy. If this was an improv group, what would it be called? The “No Money Backs,” or…? I’m sorry, I’m trying to Lipton our way through this. Don’t you have to change the battery by now? Honestly, this is really going on. [all laugh]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Amy Schumer Presents: Parental Advisory (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-presents-parental-advisory-transcript/

[announcer] Please welcome your host, Amy Schumer. [cheers, applause] Thank you, wow! Thank you so much! I deserve this, I do. Totally. Please, sit. Please! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, if we didn’t have COVID yet, we’ve got it now. What a way to go. I have not had COVID yet. Who else? Clap if you haven’t had COVID yet. I love how smug everybody… Yeah! And the other people just look at you like, “Fuck you.” But no, sorry, we haven’t had it yet, you guys. We’re sorry… I guess God chooses he who protects. No. We’re going to get it. We’re going to get it tonight. So, um… I don’t know if you know this, but I had a baby. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Not bad for a year, right? Not bad? It’s been three… it’s been three years. I still haven’t made a baby book for my son. My mom’s really trying to get me to make a baby book. I just can’t do it. She kept, like, serious baby books on all of us. But if you think about a baby book, it’s really just, like, a lot of teeth, and hair, and fingerprints. It’s really a serial killer’s log. She wrote one milestone down for me that I just saw recently. I couldn’t believe it, that she thought this was good. It was, “At 24 months, Amy can now watch up to three hours of television.” This is a milestone she felt she was proud of. My son reaches that milestone daily, so don’t worry about it. People are like, “How much screen time?” I’m like “All screen time. Always.” My mom makes scrapbooks for me, which people hear and they go, “Aw.” But she puts every single thing in there. Things that I have tried to avoid. It’ll be some tabloid like, “Amy Schumer: Pregnant, or Just Fat?” in the book. I’m like, “Did you think I needed to remember this?” You know? Our son, his name is Gene. Yeah, he’s a little cutie. He was named Gene for my husband’s mother, Jean, was her name. She passed away, which is so sad… but to not have a mother-in-law? I’m sorry! I obviously did something right in a former life, I’m sorry! So his first name’s Gene, and then we named him Attell for his middle name, after Dave Attell, the incredible comedian. Yes. He’s an old family friend of mine. And then my husband’s last name is Fischer. Which is also why I’ll never take his last name, because I don’t want to be Amy Fischer. Who, some of you my age know, was the Long Island Lolita who tried to kill her boyfriend’s wife. So anyway! So anyway, we name our son, and then, about a month into being a new mom, not a vulnerable time at all, I realize that we have named our son Gene Attell. Genital. Genital Fissure… Anyone else ever fuck up to that extent? Probably not. Probably not. So we immediately changed his middle name. I hope it’s better. We changed it to “Dingleberry.” Is that good? Will that do well in school? My son just saw my lower back tattoo for the first time. That’s a fun conversation, right? He’s like, “What is that?” And I just explained to him “Your mom is trash.” Okay, okay. I try so hard. Like, you try so hard to be a good parent, and it’s just… You don’t get better at being a parent. You just get so used to fucking up. Right? That’s really what it is. It’s just like, you get used to it. He’s been… I’ve been showing him Disney movies, that’s been a lot of fun. Except they’re all so problematic. If any of you have kids and you watch Disney movies with them, before every Disney movie now, it just says, uh, it says, “Look, we fucked up, okay?” It says, “We fucked up then, and now, and we’re sorry, and we’re going to just leave this here, but it’s fucked up.” And it’s true. And I’m like, “What are they talking about? It’s Peter Pan,” you know? So we start Peter Pan. All the indigenous people, they show… “Oh-wo-wo”. Awful. So fucked up. I’m like, “This isn’t good. What else?” All the women in these movies… in Peter Pan, it’s just these mermaids. Remember the mermaids? They’re all topless, but long hair. They all speak in a whisper. They’re all, “Oh, Peter. We miss you so much, Peter. Oh, we’re so wet. We’re mermaids!” I’m like, “You can’t watch this!” Don’t even try to watch Jungle Book, okay? So I’m like, “Let’s scrub forward, let’s see some of the newer ones,” I heard Tangled was cute, so we watched Tangled. And it’s about Rapunzel, you know, long blonde hair Rapunzel. And spoiler alert: in this movie, if you cut Rapunzel’s hair, something horrible happens. It turns brown! And that happens! Her hair gets cut, and then she has short, brown hair! She’s revolting! But even though she’s hideous, the prince still finds a way to love her. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s what I want my son to grow up with. I have such a bad habit right now when I read him books, which I do, because I’m a hero. Anytime there’s like an even vaguely blonde attractive woman in any book, I’m like, “Who does that look like?” Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and I’m like, “Goldilocks, who…? Remind you of anyone?” He’s like, “Mommy!” I’m like, “Oh, my God, thank you!” Then he sees a bear, he’s like “Mommy!” I’m like, “Only when prompted, okay?” All right, you guys are such a great crowd, we’re going to have such a fun night together. [cheers, applause] This is really an incredible line-up of some of my best friends and my favorite comedians, and we’re all here to vent about our families, so we’re really happy that you’re here to do that with us. So to kick us off, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron Funches! [cheers, applause] Hi! Hi! Thank you! What a fun show, we get to talk about families? I fucking love families. Oh, I’m doing real well. My family life’s going well. I just had my year anniversary with my wife, which is wonderful. Yeah. It’s the second marriage, so I feel like this one’s going to stick. I recommend, if you’re in your first marriage, just get that one out of the way. You’re not even in your final form yet. After my first marriage, I was a little bit worried I’d be damaged goods and people wouldn’t want me, but it’s kind of the opposite, you know? I knew more about myself, I knew what I liked, what I didn’t like. I know how good my marriage is now because I could base it off of how shitty my first marriage was. And I’m not one of those comics that like to talk shit about their ex, it’s just that we were married too young. We didn’t really trust each other, didn’t respect each other. She kept trying… I was a little bit bigger then, and she kept trying to dress me in clothes with, like, giant dogs on them all the time. Or just a lot of bright floral patterns and khaki shorts. Just trying to make me look like a Black Gabriel Iglesias. Basically just keeping me real unfuckable. But my wife now, she wants me to be cute! Before I leave the house, she checks the hair. She makes sure I’m suited and booted. She wants people to want to fuck me! That’s a good marriage! Thank you! I didn’t know a marriage could be fun like that! I thought it had to be a constant fight, constant struggle. I didn’t know marriage could just be hanging out, laughing together, watching Seinfeld all day, until you get your dick sucked. When you boil marriage down to that one sentence, I mean, oh, my God, it is beautiful. Especially if you understand how often I’ve watched Seinfeld all day… without getting my dick sucked. But no longer. Uh-uh. Now I get excited as soon as I hear the theme song. Yeah, as soon as I hear that, “Bom-buh-bom-bom-bom” I’m like, “Ooh, I better go get her scrunchie!” A lot of you related to that scrunchie material. You got to be considerate. My wife is a very considerate person, that’s how we fell in love. Before we met, I had already been married before, I had my son already. And I was like, “This is going to be my focus.” But she came into my life and she was such a nice person. She kept asking me the same question over and over and over, until she wormed her way into my heart. And I’m going to let you know what she asked me in case you need to trap a man. My wife kept asking me… if I was drinking enough water. And I was like, “We both know the answer is no.” I think the real question here is, “Why the fuck do you care?” But it was because she cared about me! She cared about my well-being. And that was off-putting to me, I didn’t like that at first. I was used to these Los Angeles vampire bitches. But she just kept at it. I’d go up to take her on a date, I’d pick her up at her house, ring the doorbell, she’d answer the door, and you know what she would have waiting for me? A bottle of water! If I was lucky enough to get her back to my house and spend the night, I’d wake up in the morning, turn over, she’d already be gone. But do you know what would be laying in her place? Bottle of water! One day it just got to me, and I was like, “Aw… no bitch ever cared about my hydration!” After my first marriage, I didn’t drink water for five years straight. Nobody said a word. And I was walking around with adult-onset jaundice, it was terrible. One thing I love about my wife is she came in right away, was a great stepmom. Again, I’m a single father for most of my life. I have a son who was diagnosed with autism when he was two years old. We went through a lot of therapy, seizures, different issues, and I’m very proud that he’s now a 19-year-old high school graduate. [cheers, applause] Working at a grocery store. I worked at a grocery store when I was 19, a little bit before I had him. So I’m like, “As long as you don’t knock somebody up in the next six months, you’re killing it!” He’s got great discipline, and I don’t know where he got it. Because I never disciplined him. I didn’t know how, especially having a teenager and someone who had autism. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what was teenager-related, I didn’t know what was autism-related. I didn’t know which of these things made him download sixty episodes of The Price Is Right. But I know that’s not normal. The Price Is Right is a fine show, but it is the same damn show every day! I’m like, “Son, did you need to fill the entire DVR with Price Is Right?” He’s like, “Oh, I’m just trying to keep season stats, Dad.” I’m like, “Okay, so it’s the autism.” Carry on. I love watching him become an adult, have his own likes and dislikes. My favorite thing in the world is I share a Spotify account with my son. And at the end of the year, I get that “Spotify Wrapped” and I love it. Because I get to find out what an autistic teenager thinks is the hottest song of the year. It turns out my son’s favorite song of all of last year… this is an honest to God fact… was just the sound effect… of bees… buzzing in a meadow. No! Yeah, it’s cute when you don’t live with it. But try coming home to that every day. You can’t even do normal parent stuff. You can’t be like, “Hey! Can you turn down this… delightful summer’s day?” He’s just like, “Dad, you don’t understand the music that speaks to my generation! You need to open your mind! It’s got a good buzz to it.” Thank you guys for your time, I’m Ron Funches. [cheers, applause] Hi, Amy! Hi, Ron! Bye! Good job! Bye! How funny is Ron Funches? You’re such a good crowd. Alright, please keep that energy going. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Jaye McBride! [cheers, applause] Alright! Thank you so much. Man, it is great to be out without a mask on. Right? Alright. I actually had a guy refuse to have sex with me unless I wore a mask. I know, and this is way before the pandemic. It wasn’t even a medical mask, it was like a Spider-Man mask. He’s like, “I got you now, Web Slinger!” Which… Well, you take what you can get, right? I have a tough time dating. Y’all know I’m trans, right? Y’all figure that out already, you bunch of…? Look at you, you bunch of L.A. detectives. Y’all are like, “Of course I know. I’m from Kansas, not from Mars, I can tell.” The weird thing is, I wasn’t trans before I got the vaccine. Fucking Johnson & Johnson, I swear to God. One shot, my ass. No, I actually transitioned 15 years ago, which, oh, no, thank you, but… No, don’t clap, don’t clap. I only did it to compete in the Olympics. I’m no hero. But man. And I knew early on, like I knew real early, when I was like, five, we took the dog to the vet to get fixed, and I was in the back yelling, “Do me next!” I was raised Irish Catholic too, which made it tough. I know, right? Like here’s how Irish Catholic I am. My grandmother had ten kids. Yeah, ten. That’s a good Irish Catholic woman, right? And she had two miscarriages, so she was pregnant 12 times in 16 years. I know, right? She didn’t have periods, she had commas. Yeah, my grandmother was old-school. Yeah. Like, she was like… She also told me once that she didn’t believe in gay people. Like, that’s what she said, “I don’t believe in gay people.” Which is weird because she did believe in angels, leprechauns, and Sasquatch. I have an uncle who’s a priest. Yeah, he said to me once, he said, “I don’t ever want to watch you do comedy because I don’t want to listen to you talk about having sex with a man.” So I just send him pictures. [cheers, applause] That wasn’t his reaction. No, people always say, “If you were raised more religiously, you would have turned out normal.” I’m like, “Honey, I was an altar boy. And I loved it!” Oh, no, the priest never touched me, or hit on me, or molested me. And I tried everything, too. I was like, “Father, this confessional is too hot for pants!” My dad thought that being an altar boy would turn me into a man, but apparently sitting around in a dress drinking wine all day didn’t do the job! Yeah, my dad wasn’t a fan of this whole thing. I remember when I was little, I was like, “Dad, what do you call a little boy who wants to be a little girl?” He said, “I don’t know, but they’re definitely not getting any ice cream!” Terrible, right? Don’t worry, he dies in the end. Wow, some of you either love dark humor or you hate your dad. I don’t know. My dad died around Christmas time, which was tough. I didn’t know what to ask for because I already got what I wanted! So I’m in therapy. Alright, thank you, I guess. No, I’m in therapy. I’ve really been talking to my therapist a lot about my mom. My mom passed away and… I know, you’re like, “Aw, dead mom, dead dad. What next, Little Orphan Tranny?” We are talking about my mom a lot. Like, my mom was great. My therapist said I should talk to my mom every day, you know, which seems a little… crazy, so I just talk to the mannequin in the attic I dressed up in her clothes. But she was great. My mom was great. She was like this Martha Stewart-type, you know? A convicted felon who could cook. And when I first came out to her as trans, it sort of took her a while. She said she had to pray to God after I told her. Which makes sense, because if you’re a middle-aged white woman and you don’t like something, you talk to the manager. Hit a little close to home, huh, L.A.? No, I still try to please my mom. After she passed away, I thought, I’m going to do something nice. So I decided I was going to spread her remains in her favorite place: the town I grew up in, it’s a town called Westport, New York. It’s in the Adirondack Mountains, it’s on Lake Champlain. Don’t clap, you’re not from there. But it’s beautiful. I drive six hours and start to spread her remains. Someone comes running out and says, “Stop, you can’t do that!” And I’m like, “Why not?” He said, “You have to cremate her first.” So then I had to put her back in the garbage bag. So she’s at her second favorite place. Behind an Arby’s. That’s why I’m late tonight, and… I have three brothers. It was weird with three brothers, like our parents were kind of cheap, so when they ran the bath water, they did it once. And we all had to share, one right after another, right? Oh, it’s the worst. If you’re the last one, it’s like the Hudson River at low tide. And I’m in there, and I’m looking down one day, and I’m thinking, “This is disgusting. I’m 32 years old…” I did have a brother disown me when he found out I was trans, but it’s fine. I try to take the high road, you know? When I heard he and his wife had a child, I sent the nicest greeting card. It said, “Congratulations, it’s a boy… for now!” Thank you guys so much. [cheers, applause] Jaye McBride, let her hear it! Alright! I don’t know if you guys are familiar with the Oscars, but I just… Yeah, I got to co-host the Oscars this year. Yes. And… You know, we all saw that sad thing that happened. Jessica Chastain won. No, it was really sad, the Will Smith thing where he hit Chris Rock. It was a total bummer, shocking, but you know, I guess it’s like, he got in one little fight and his mom got scared, I don’t know. I don’t know! I got censored that night. There were a couple things that I wasn’t allowed to say. So I think I’ll tell you guys right now. [audience cheers] Yeah, you guys seem like bad people. Okay. I don’t know why they said no. So my husband was going down on me, or as he calls it, “Squid Game.” So… he’s in my Nightmare Alley… my House of Gucci. And I say, “C’mon, C’mon,” you know? He goes “tick, tick… BOOM!” He “Bells fast,” I say, “Get off my Dune,” and that’s how our son was born. What do you think? [cheers, applause] Alright, let’s keep it moving right along. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Christina P! [cheers, applause] Oh! Hello, Los Angeles. Woohoo! Oh, man, I moved to Texas. I was in Angelino for 44 years, I’m sorry, I know. I feel guilty being here. I feel like a divorced dad… that’s come back to visit their kid. I’m like, “Listen, I love your mom, but I had to go, okay?” You don’t understand, man, they were wearing N-95s in their cars alone and shit, It was really fucking… But yeah, so… You know, I’m a… I’m a solidly middle-aged mom now. Yeah, thank you. And like, everything makes me fat. Everything. And I live in Texas, so the only thing I can eat with no calories is Klonopin. And I love it, I just dip it in barbecue sauce! [smacks lips] And I like the South, they’re very nice, they’re very cool, but everything moves at a glacial pace. They have zero sense of urgency. And then I realized, I was like, “Well, what am I hurrying to? There’s nothing to do.” What, am I hurrying to get to Chick-fil-A before it closes on Sunday? You guys know why Chick-fil-A is closed on Sunday, right? Because… Well, that’s the day they grind up all the gay people to make… the batter for the biscuits. They’re so good! Ha ha! And they take homosexual semen, and that’s what that orange sauce… Delicious. The Christians are on this side, they’re not… Alright. Okay, so, I’ve been married for 17 years, and oh, thank you. And he still pees on me in the shower, so that’s… cool. And he does this super creepy thing where he likes to make eye contact with me while he does it. And he pretends like he doesn’t know what’s happening. He’ll stare at me, and he’ll be like, “Do you smell that? Do you smell that? Smells bad. Can you smell that?” I’m like “No, I just had COVID.” COVID blessings. So, I have a three-year-old boy, and a six-year-old boy, and a husband, so I see more dicks than an episode of Euphoria on any given day. Don’t you love Euphoria? That’s such a middle-aged mom show. I know. Euphoria is Cobra Kai with titties. It is the best. So people are always telling me, they’re like, “You know, Christina, those kids, they grow up so fast.” I’m like, “Do they? What are you feeding yours? Because I would like to speed this shit up.” Okay? And it’s not the kids that bum me out, it’s the parenting world. Because there’s way too many demands on parents. Like now, I got to dress my children in organic cotton gender-neutral clothing. I have to find them inclusive, non-ableist toys. And you got to breastfeed until they’re in college, did you know that? Oh, yeah. There was a woman in my “Mommy and Me” class breastfeeding her four-year-old. I’m sorry, 208-week-old, yes? Will McKenzie be weaned in time for prom? My parents didn’t do shit. Right? Parents before never had to do anything. My parents didn’t even put a seatbelt on me in the car. I used to ride in the back of my dad’s pick-up truck… in a lawn chair, and then I would hang out trying to tag street signs. And then when the cops pulled you over, he’d let you play with his gun. But today, oh, my God, the parents, they’re all freaked out. You ever see these helicopter moms? These helicopter moms? Yeah. So, I go to the park, and that’s “me time,” you know? I have a beer, I chill out. You just let them run, that’s what the park is for! [man] Yeah! Right. Then I see these poor helicopter moms, and look, I get it. I was like that after my first kid. You ever see that mom that’s trying to do it right? You’re just trying to do it right, and she’s narrating everything the kid is doing, as they’re doing it. “Okay. Good job, Cooper! Good job, Cooper! Yeah, Cooper, now put your foot on the ladder, Cooper. Good job! Put your foot on the ladder, Cooper, now run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper, good job, Cooper, good job, Cooper! Would you like a snack, Cooper? Cooper, snack? Snack? Cooper, Cooper? How about a cheese stick? How about a cheese stick? Water? Water? Water? Cooper? Cooper? Snack? Snack? Snack? Snack?” Oh! Oh! Oh, until finally, little Cooper couldn’t take it anymore, and he goes, “I need space!” I almost high-fived that kid, I was like, “Look at you, asserting boundaries with your mother! That took me ten years in psychotherapy! You just figured that out?” And stop telling kids to be themselves. Jesus Christ. Stop telling kids to be themselves. They already know how. They know how. Just ask my sons. They’re probably naked right now on the driveway, wearing nothing but cowboy boots. And the other day, my son runs up to me, the older one, the six-year-old, he runs up to me naked, and he goes, “Hey, Mom, hey, Mom! You want a surprise?” And then he turned around and he farted right at me. Timing was impeccable. The three-year-old sees that, and does the exact same thing: “Hey, Mom! Mom! Mom! You want to see a… Do you want to see a surprise?” Turns around, spreads his cheeks apart, and goes, “Smell my ass! Smell it!” Yeah, I’d say you have a pretty good idea of who you are when you aim your asshole at somebody, right? And stop telling me that gender isn’t real. Stop it, stop it. Stop telling me that “gender is a social construct.” People who say that have not raised boys. Oh, girls and boys are the same? Oh, really? Really! You’ve seen a six-year-old girl piss out a campfire? And then be super pumped about it? Like, “Oh my God, do you smell that? Can you smell that? Smells bad.” Good to see that disgusting is genetic. Alright, thank you guys so much. Thank you so much. [cheers, applause] This is a real treat. I get to bring out my very best friend in the whole world. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Rachel Feinstein! [cheers, applause] Thank you! Thank you, guys, you’re nice to me here. It’s been a weird week. My family was visiting, it’s a lot with my mom. I don’t know if anybody has a parent like this. My mother has no boundaries. Every time I’m alone with her, she tells me something I truly never wanted to know. She’ll be like, “Fine, there was a year when I considered leaving your father.” I’m like, “I don’t want to know that.” She’s like, “I called it my dark year.” I’m like, “You title years of your life? You teach low-impact aerobics. You don’t know darkness.” I’m the same way, but with strangers. Like, I’ll overshare with any stranger. I’ll be in line at a CVS, somebody smiles at me, and I’ll be like, “I guess I never felt seen by my father? I mean, I knew he loved me, but…” That was my worst fear when I had a kid, like, “What if I don’t connect to her?” Because you hear that happens. I’m like, “I’ll tell everyone!” I’ll be at a barbecue, and somebody will be like, “She’s so cute,” and I’ll be like, “Isn’t it crazy, but I don’t love her. Like, I feel nothing… but a vague sense of resentment!” Then, when I did love her, I started announcing it to everyone. I was like, “We love her!” My brother’s like, “You shouldn’t say that. Most people assume you love your own kids. It’s kind of alarming, actually.” I’m like, “That’s fair feedback.” She’s a toddler. She’s at that age. She’s two years old. She just empties every room. She just turns it out like she’s looking for coke, just… like she has 24 hours to leave the country before a drug dealer shoots her in the face. My husband’s a fireman. I mean, I think he’s a fireman. Thank you. He could just be a stripper with a fireman costume. But this is my life now. I just have to go to these Staten Island FDNY dinner dances and he’ll just deposit me at a shrimp station somewhere. I’m always the only Jew. All the women are named Gina. There’s just like a sea of Ginas. Just rows of hoisted tan racks and shimmering crucifixes. The men… the way they congratulated us, the other firemen, when we had a baby was terrifying. They’d be like, “Beautiful thing right there, huh? Tiny baby girl. You got to cherish her now, alright? While she’s young.” Why does this feel like an active threat, somehow? “You know what? At the end of the day it’s about family. Alright? Remember that. It’s about family.” I’m like, “Why do I feel like I’m about to get offed on The Sopranos whenever you guys greet us?” They always sound like they’re about to admit something they can’t hold in any longer. They’ll be like, “You know what? The days are long, the years are short, alright? You got to cherish her right now. Killed my first wife Diane.” I’m like, “I don’t think you meant to say that out loud, Dino.” “Diane went fast, too. You know? I watched the light go out in her eyes, alright? Everybody’s good! Everybody’s safe. Things are good!” But that’s my type. Your type is your type. You can’t change your type. I just like a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man. That’s what I like! I like a guy that looks like he’d say, “Follow the money” when he’s talking about the vaccine. The guys are generally named Vinny, there’s an occasional Dino. But one of the Vinnies came up to… One of the Vinnies came up to us, he goes, “You got to take her to Disney, though. That’s the real family experience. You got to take her to EPCOT.” Then he goes, “That’s the real Japan, at EPCOT, you know?” “That’s like, legit Japan.” With no irony whatsoever. He’s like, “People think you got to spend all this cash, and fly all the way to Japan, but it’s a fucking scam.” He referred to traveling the world as a scam somehow, and EPCOT as reality. That was real life in Vinny’s mind. But yeah, I asked my mom, “What was I like when I was my daughter’s age?” She can never think of anything good to say about me. She’ll always be like, “You know, you ate very fast.” I’m like, “That’s the detail you pull out?” She’s like, “Well, you ate at a rapid pace. You choked on a chicken bone once, I do remember that. You were a greedy eater. There was a certain rampant quality to your eating and we didn’t feel safe.” I’m like, “Thank you, this was real helpful, I’ll circle back with you.” And a lot of the other “firewives”… That’s not a term, they’ve actually asked me to stop saying that… “Badge banger,” I prefer that. I identify as a badge banger. Though, a lot of the other women… a lot of the people I know do this. They’ll post these long monologues about how fantastic their marriages are on Instagram. Do you know people that do this? I don’t understand the instinct to drag your husband out to a pumpkin patch somewhere. The guy’s bloated and hung over. He’s completely confused. He has no idea why he’s in matching flannels with his entire extended family. And they’ll be like, “Vinny, you challenge me every single day. Every day with you is like a beautiful, challenging journey. You have truly made me question everything I ever thought was possible in this non-stop learning voyage we’re all on together.” I’m like, “Vinny is on PornHub right now. What the fuck has he made you question?” The last time I saw him, he was so drunk, he was wet. Just dripping. Also, my husband never takes pictures of me, he always claims there’s not enough room on his phone. I’m like, “It’s not a storage issue.” He’s like, “There’s not enough room on my phone!” The one picture he took of me at our wedding, I was eating. I had a sandwich falling out of the corner of my mouth. It was the most slovenly, disgraceful moment. I’m like, “That’s the picture you take?” He’s like, “Well, it was like, the essence of you, you know? You’re a greedy eater.” Alright, you guys, thank you so much. [cheers, applause] Rachel Feinstein, let her hear it! These comedians are my best friends, including this one. He’s just one of my absolute favorite comics. And you know him as Mr. Chris DiStefano! [cheers, applause] Great job, Amy. Oh! Hello! Hello, hello, how you doing? You feel good? You look good? This is what it is, dude. It’s the parenting show. I feel like nobody in here even has kids, right? It’s L.A., who has…? Like eight people. You have kids, dude? Yeah. You look like you have long COVID. You’re just like sitting there breath… I could tell. I knew you had kids. I saw you in the back, I was like, “This guy looks like he’s dying!” And yeah. I got kids. I got two little girls. My daughters are Puerto Rican. You know what I mean? So, diverse? I’m a great white. You know? So, this great white man, I have these little Latina children and they don’t speak English, that’s the thing. My kids, especially my older one, she just doesn’t… They just speak Spanish. The mom is always just… I’m trying to watch Encanto to talk to my fucking kids. And I can’t… you know, which is great! I want them to learn different languages, but Papi only speaks English, you know? But I think the thing is, with having kids, like I don’t have a lot of time or energy to like, think about a lot of stuff. Like, I had to go to Portland. You know what I mean? Whatever, that city. I love this country. I bleed red, white, and blue, but fucking Portland? You know? I mean… Those people, it’s just, it’s too much. Like they’re very passive aggressive, very woke, and I was just in there, and they’re just looking at you, judging you. And I was in there two weeks ago. Two weeks ago! I had to go in there. I went to a coffee shop, and I didn’t know that you still had to wear a mask because I was like, it’s present-day America, and you know, the barista’s just like this, she’s going like this. She keeps doing this. I was like, “I don’t know what you’re doing.” Like, she’s just going like that. I was like, “I don’t know sign language. I’m sorry, I should be better, I’m a white piece of shit. I know, I’m sorry. I’m not anti-sign. What do you want me to do?” And she just wasn’t talking, she just kept going like this. I was like, “What are you trying to tell me, lady? Just use your words!” And then she was like, “You need to put on a mask!” I was like, “Oh, okay. You should have just said that!” So I was like, “Okay.” And I’m just politely putting on a mask, and I was like “I’m sorry, I’m from New York, and… we don’t have the masks there anymore.” And she was like, “Well, here in Portland, we still take COVID very seriously.” I was like, “You seem like a fun person. You really do. You just seem like a real ball of laughs.” And so I proceed to order my drink. I was like, “Can I have a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “Excuse me?” I was like, “Can you not hear me through the mask?” I was like, “Can I have a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “Do you mean a small iced coffee with no cream?” I was like, “Isn’t that the same as a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “After what the African-American community’s been through these last two years, I think you need to do a better job ordering your coffees.” I was like, “I’d rather be beheaded by ISIS than have to talk to you for one more second.” So I ripped that mask off, I walked right out of that coffee shop, I walked two blocks down to another coffee shop, walked right in, and said, “Can I have a small iced coffee with no cream?” Because I am such a little pussy. But you know… I don’t know. It’s what it is. People are just… Everyone’s going a little nuts. Everyone’s just a little off. You know what I’m saying? They’re just a little off lately. Like I had to put my dog down. Listen, he lived a good life. Eighteen years. Eighteen years, my dog. Little Larry. Larry was his name. Eighteen years old, but he was one of those dogs. He was dying for like the past 16 years. Every time I’d go visit my mother… she had the dog… another piece of his body was being biopsied, an eye didn’t work, his head was turned over, he was always bleeding. He looks like he’s fighting in the Civil War. Somebody needs to put this dog down. It was clear this dog wanted to die. And I would just go visit my mom, and try, like, “Mom, we need to put the dog down.” She’d be like, “Jesus hasn’t called him yet.” I’m like, “No, he’s calling me to tell you… I’m telling you, the dog wants to die so bad.” I would come over with a fistful of baker’s chocolate. I’d just be like, “Who wants death by chocolate, Larry? Come on. Just eat it, it’s a great way to go out.” And so finally, one day I go visit my mom, and the dog’s dying. I mean, Larry’s pretty much dead on the floor. And I’m just like, “Let’s go take the dog to the vet and just put it out of its misery.” She’s like, “You’re right, let’s go.” And it was 12 o’clock, it was midnight, and I was fucking starving. So we’re driving to the vet, and I see a Wendy’s out of the corner of my eye. I was like, “Mom, real quick, let’s go. I’ll go to Wendy’s real quick. I’ll get whatever you want,” and she’s like, “No, let’s go to the vet!” I was like, “Fine, I’ll just starve then!” I was like a disgruntled fucking teenager. I’m 37. So, we get to the vet, and the vet is so nice. She’s like the nicest lady ever. She’s like, “We did our tests on little Larry, and we do see that he’s at the end of his life, and we’re just going to put a little prick in his little paw, and the medicine’s going to go through in 30 seconds. It’s going to be 30 seconds. His little heart’s going to stop, but he’s going to go to Heaven with all the other dogs, and Cruella, and everyone’s up there, and he’s going to be fine, he’s going to be out of pain, and this is the right thing.” And I’m like, “Okay, fine.” Because in my head, I’m like, “30 seconds. By the time we do the paperwork, everything will be good. You know, it’s 12:30, Wendy’s does close at 2:00.” And listen, it’s what it is. This is a 100% true story. So, the medicine’s going through, just like she said. Little prick in his paw, it’s going like a roller coaster, it’s going to hit his little body, stop his little heart, thirty seconds. And listen, we’re all upset. I’m upset, my mom’s upset, and I’m just comforting her. Comforting my mom, she’s crying. I’m like, “Mom, this is fine.” We get down to 15 seconds, I’m like, “We are halfway there, Mom. We are halfway there.” We get to five, I started counting out loud. I was like, “Five, four, three, two, one! It’s a celebration!” And Larry’s still alive. He’s just still alive. And I’m like, “Okay, that happens,” but as time is going on, seconds are going by, Larry looks like he’s getting more energy, like he’s getting color back that he never had, his fur used to be gray, now it’s getting that nice orange tint, he’s standing up on his legs once again. I was like, “Wow, Larry looks fucking good right now. What’s happening?” Five minutes go by, and finally I say to the vet, “Is there a problem?” She goes, “Absolutely.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” She goes outside, comes back a minute later. She goes, “I am so sorry.” She was like, “I hired a new vet tech, and the vet tech accidentally gave your dog electrolytes because the dog next door to you was dehydrated and we mixed up the medication.” She goes, “But don’t worry, I have the right medication right here. He’ll be dead in a second.” I swear to God, as soon as she put the right medicine in, he died immediately. It was like somebody had a sniper rifle at the top of the fucking room and just shot him in the head. Rolled over, Xs over his eyes, soul gone to heaven, I had a Baconator in my hand at 1:59. It was fucking fantastic. Alright, guys, thank you. [cheers, applause] You guys are the best. You really are such a great crowd. Everyone’s talking about you backstage. Everybody loves you. We want to make it official. We want to commit. Alright. This comedian is undeniably hilarious and I love him so much. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lil Rel Howery! [cheers, applause] Yeah! What up? Netflix is a fucking joke. I got a whole jean… Look, let me tell you something, I’m showing my age now. I’m in my 40s, and this is what 40-year-olds do, they like, match a bunch of shit that don’t make no fucking sense. I got a whole jean suit on with a cowboy hat. This is a dad outfit for real. I’m the cool dad! You know who the fuck this is. Man, I got a 13, 12-year-old, and a five-year-old. I know, man. Like, fuck! You know what’s funny? Like when I was a younger parent, I tried to do all the things the right way. Now I don’t really give a fuck no more. You know what I’m saying? My five-year-old, we went to one of those jumpy things, he peed in that shit. I was like, “Oh shit, let’s just go.” You know what I mean? I ain’t… I ain’t changing, we just walking the fuck out of here. He was leaking the whole time. Nobody seen shit. “Come on, y’all!” Damn! Hate being a fucking new dad again. Carrying their fucking car seat. People downplay that. Nobody realizes how heavy it is to carry a human being with one fucking arm. That’s stupid! I don’t give a shit, as long as they strapped in, I’m going to carry that shit the best way I can. If you upside down, fuck it. I’m like, “Fuck it.” No, I can’t go to jail! He good, he’s strapped in! As long as he don’t fall out, we good! My daughter’s 13, she’s a fucking teenager now. She got the period. That’s right, it happened with me. I was hoping… I was like, “Damn, you got to be with me? Shit.” Because I’m a divorced dad, so like, it was my time, and I’m like, “Wait a minute, why the fuck…? I ain’t ready for this.” You know what I mean? I tried my best, but I didn’t know what to get. I ain’t going to lie to you. I went to the store and got everything. I didn’t know what the fuck to get. That lady was ringing me up like, “You got a shelter or something? What you got all these different sizes for? What the fuck you got going on, sir? What the fuck you got going on, sir?” I ain’t fucking know. I’m like, “Let me get the… the pad that absorb the most.” Man, we stupid, that’s what we think, right? We think, “Get the shit that absorb the most.” And when I put all this shit on the table, she like, “Uh, Dad, this is for Grandma, I don’t know what the fuck… you think I’ve got going on. I’m 13, sir.” “You don’t want the one that absorb the most?” Like my son was there with me, and he was confused, too. We was looking at this shit, and I took everything out of the box, he playing with the shit… “Put this shit down, stop playing, boy!” Ain’t no fucking lightsaber. But he was like, “Dad, you know something? I would want the grandma one.” And I thought about that. That’s how little boys fucking think, right? Little girls, like, y’all don’t want nobody to know you’re on your period. You want something to hide that shit. Little boys ain’t shit. If little boys had periods, they’d want everybody to know they had the fattest shit here. “Yeah, I’m on my period, what the fuck you talking about? Y’all need to take me home, I can’t go to school today, I’m on my period! I’m sleepy, I’m hungry, I’m tired, I can’t focus. I’m fucked up!” Learning too much about women because I’ve got a fucking 13-year-old. We go bra shopping and shit. I didn’t realize it was about y’all’s backs. Fellas, for a long time, you thought it was about the titty meat, nope! That number’s about how big their fucking backs is, so… if you see a Double D out here, it ain’t about the titties, she got a big-ass back. I’m just being honest. If you ain’t know. It was weird, too, I forget I was doing a stand-up show. You start thinking about real shit, like “Goddamn, I got to figure this Legoland situation out.” Fuck, you got a 13, 12, and 5-year-old, the 5-year-old can’t get on shit. And that means I can’t get on shit. They get to have fun, like the 13 and 12-year-old, they get to have a good-ass time. I’m watching this motherfucker. I’m sorry, that’s my kid, but… Doing some regular shit, some little bridge, some dumb car that’s slow as fuck. They do all the, “Dad, we got on the roller coaster!” “Shut the fuck up! Fuck y’all.” Yeah, that’s real. But my son, my 12-year-old, he’s like my best friend, the oldest, he’s… he’s a lot like me, and I love that shit. I love the fact that this brother is like me. Like, if he wasn’t my kid, we would be best fucking friends. If we was the same age, I fucks with him. That’s why I don’t even know how to help him sometimes. You know what I mean? He going through, like… 12-year-old boys, look, it depends, but boys do go through a little weird stinking period, right? Where they just don’t wash their ass well enough. And his mama called me like, “Yo, you got to talk to him, He doesn’t care. He’s putting on the same clothes.” And it’s hard to talk to your best friend about him stinking. Like, “Damn, brother, we got to talk.” You try to play the game with them a little bit and shit? Making little jokes, “This is fun, right?” [deep sigh] Look, your mama say you have musty balls. Would you just wash that shit so we ain’t got to talk about this shit again, please? I bought you some new socks. Stop wearing the same stinking-ass socks. Alright, well, that’s it. I’m done! Thank y’all so much. I’m Lil Rel, that’s my time. [cheers, applause] Lil Rel, let him hear it! You’re such a great crowd, I want to say goodnight by thanking our families who made us who we are, and provided us with all of this material. Please give it up one more time for Chris DiStefano. [cheers, applause] That’s you. Oh, look at what a nice guy you were. [Chris] Yeah. What happened? Oh, okay. Well anyway, Ron Funches! [cheers, applause] Christina P! Give it up! Jaye McBride! Oh, Jaye, you’re cute! Rachel Feinstein! [cheers, applause] And one more time for Lil Rel Howery. [cheers, applause] [Amy] Aw! We’re cute! One more time for everybody. Thank you, goodnight! Isn’t it funny that we all have known each other for like years and years? We really don’t know anything. We don’t know anything about each other. We talk about where we grew up on stage, we just don’t pay attention. Right, like I learned so much like, talking to other comics about, “You went to film school?” Like, I know nothing. My son wrote a sketch. And it was really funny, and he like kind of dissed me at the same time. Like, “Dad, I want you to be in the sketch, I want you to do the voice you do in movies when you get really high-pitched and don’t sound how you sound in real life.” Like, “Damn, what that mean?” Wow. Yeah. It’s so easy!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Pete Davidson Presents: The Best Friends (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-presents-the-best-friends-transcript/

♪ Old lady on my case again ♪ ♪ Told me straighten up Tuck your shirt in ♪ ♪ Sometimes it feels like I can’t win ♪ ♪ Get the fuck up out the crib For a spin ♪ ♪ And I ain’t had a drink since Friday night ♪ ♪ Three days since I even had a smoke ♪ ♪ But I’m drawn like a moth To the neon light ♪ ♪ Need a dart and some songs From the medicine pool ♪ ♪ I been drinking beer for a minute ♪ ♪ And your little Juul Ain’t hittin’ ♪ ♪ If I want a bump Better get it ♪ ♪ Tequila and cigarettes ♪ ♪ Musta drank a rack Don’t feel it ♪ ♪ Fuckin’ in… ♪ [announcer] Now everybody put your hands together… for Pete Davidson! [cheers and applause] Hey. Hello. Wow. Thanks. Thank you. Alright. So how’s your year going? Good? I’ve had a really weird year. I had an AIDS scare this year. Yeah, I did, and you’re like, “Pete, wow, what’s going on in your life? Are you sharing needles? You doing heroin? Are you having tons of unprotected sex?” No, Kanye told me I had AIDS. And uh… And he’s a… He’s a genius, so I was like, “Oh, fuck.” I was like, “I better call my doctor.” The guy who made College Dropout thinks I have AIDS. So I went to the doctor, I actually got checked. Because I was like, “Maybe he’s right, I don’t know.” I was like, “I don’t know.” So my doctor told me, I don’t have AIDS, I just look like I have it, so… it’s a completely different thing. You know what’s really funny about that? AIDS is just such an old school thing, like, “You have AIDS.” It’s just such a ’90s, early2000s thing to… You know what I mean? John Mulaney called me, he’s like, “AIDS? You should spread a rumor that he has polio!” Does anybody else secretly hope that Kanye pulls, like a… Mrs. Doubtfire? They come home one day, and they’re like, “This is the new housekeeper,” and he’s like, “What’s up, fam?” Yeah, it’s a really weird thing to go through. There’s because you know, people try to give you advice, but even friends that are older, they’re like, “I don’t… know.” He’s like, “It looks pretty bad, bro, I hope… Good luck, sorry, here if you need,” but like, no advice. No one was like, “This is what you do.” Everyone was like, “I don’t know… yeah. You staying with your mom? You in a safe spot?” People ask me weird questions. So that’s the only thing I don’t like. They ask this weird stuff. Like the other day, somebody came up to me and was like, “I heard you’re friends with Jack Harlow!” And I am. He’s a very great, talented rapper. He’s a cool dude. Nice guy. So we’re pals, right? And Kanye put him on his new album. Even though I’ve been friends with him for like two, three years, you know, he did it anyway. People come up to me and they’re like, “How does that make you feel? Does that bother you? Does that get under your skin?” And I’m like, “No, he’s a rapper.” That’s his field, that’s what they do. That doesn’t hurt my feelings. It would hurt my feelings if I saw, like, Bill Burr at Sunday service. I’d be like, “What the fuck, Bill?” He’d be like, “Find God, Petey, go fuck yourself! Jesus!” Yeah, I don’t get it. A lot of people are very angry. It’s always 5050 when I go outside. Yeah, it is. It’s always 5050. Either someone’s just like, “Hey, man, you’re really cool, that’s great.” Or someone’s like, “Hey, yo! Fuck you! Fuck you! Yeah, you!” I always am like, “Can’t be me.” It’s weird, it’s all weird because… right before, December 2021, I call it “the before time”. Before my life was ruined, it was like… Yeah, it’s like COVID happened and then another COVID happened personally to me. That was a really good month, December 2021. I remember, I went to a Knicks game with my good pals, Jon Stewart and Chris Rock, right? So we went to this Knicks game… Yeah, they’re the best. And very hilarious that they hang out with me. It’s really weird. But I’m stoked, because they’re heroes. So we’re watching the game, and it’s the game when Steph Curry breaks the threepoint record, right? And I remember he broke the threepoint record in the first quarter, and just somehow, how we were placed, because he shot it from over there and me, Jon, and Chris were under the basket. So like, in the picture that everybody put out, that’s like here’s him breaking the record, us three are just, like… Like, we all look… We completely photobombed his, whatever, basketball card that’s going to be, like, forever. And it was such a good night, but it’s so weird because since then, horrible things have happened to me and Chris. So Jon Stewart, if you’re watching… watch your fucking back. Lucky bastard. It’s like Chris gets slapped, I get decapitated, then Jon Stewart wins the Mark Twain award. So… I haven’t been on stage much, but I’ve been trying to make a joke about Epstein’s plane funny. That’s usually how it goes. In any room that I ever pitch this joke on. But I just, like… hear me out. The guy, obviously, bad dude. You got to get that out of the way. Bad dude, shouldn’t do that stuff. But I didn’t understand why people were mad at all the dudes that took a free plane ride. Like, the Jeffery Epstein doc came out and this dude raped and did a bunch of terrible stuff to little young girls, and then people would be like, “Can you believe Chris Tucker rode on that plane?” It’s like, “Yeah, have you ever tried to fly commercial? From fucking L.A. to New York? It’s a fucking nightmare.” Because I’ve been in situations now… Let me rephrase that. I know a dude who gives me free plane rides, right? I don’t really know what he does, he tells me he’s in the “waste management” business. That’s what he says, “I’m in waste management. I’m a garbageman.” I go, “Yeah, tons of garbagemen have private jets, so…” But I just don’t ask. I’m just like, “Okay, whatever.” Because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking the plane with a guy. You don’t have to support what the guy does. So I fly with one pedophile, right? If you fly commercial, there’s at least, like, five pedophiles. And you don’t know who they are. I know who mine is, it’s right in front of me with a mimosa and some strawberry chocolates. Thank you guys for being out here. You guys ready to start? [cheers and applause] Coming to the stage, give it up for my friend, Big Wet! ♪ I don’t know if I should Go out tonight ♪ ♪ ‘Cause it’s getting pretty late ♪ ♪ But I just got back into town ♪ ♪ And I sure can’t wait ♪ ♪ So I take my ass down to Sophie’s ♪ ♪ A shot and a beer there Waiting for me ♪ ♪ Big Red and the boys Got a table in the back ♪ ♪ And there’s an open chair for me ♪ ♪ And I’m rollin’ with my squad ♪ ♪ And we don’t try too hard ♪ ♪ One tab when we’re at the bar ♪ ♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪ ♪ And I’m rollin’ with my squad ♪ ♪ Don’t forget who you are ♪ ♪ Yeah, I made it this far ♪ ♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪ ♪ It ain’t the size of the dog In the fight ♪ ♪ But the fight in the dog We don’t bark, we just bite ♪ ♪ Once you let us off the leash We be chomping our teeth ♪ ♪ We be gettin’ that green We be smoking them trees ♪ ♪ And we shotgun beers and We conquer our fears ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we’re all best friends And we hold each other dear ♪ ♪ And I’d give my last meal To anyone from my squad ♪ ♪ Squad up! ♪ ♪ Squad up! ♪ When they’re trying to act like they’re not filming, they look away, but point directly at… Right? That’s wack. I like when they go, “Yo, I don’t care who you are…” And I’m like, “Then why the fuck…?” They’ll be like, “Yo, my friends think you’re fucking wack as fuck, but I don’t listen to them. I ride I tell them they don’t know what they’re doing…” Nobody can ever just be like, “Hey, man, good job.” [Giulio] Right. You know? ♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪ Big Wet, ladies and gentlemen! ♪ Squad up! ♪ ♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪ You guys ready to kick it off? ♪ Squad up! ♪ ♪ Squad! ♪ Make some noise for your first comic, Neko White! L.A., one more time for Pete Davidson, give him a round of applause, huh? Yes! Pleasure to be in front of y’all tonight. My name is Neko White. I made a very simple goal. And that is to mind my business at the highest level possible. Now, I take this very seriously. You guys in here tonight, I appreciate that, while you’re in here. Once we get outside, whatever happens to you… is not my business, you understand me? If we in here, we cool. You outside, you get robbed, you see me, don’t make eye contact. Because I’m telling you now, if you look at me, “Neko, help!” Hey, man, it was a good show, I’ma holler at you. I mind my business. Now recently, I went to get a haircut. As soon as I walked into the barber shop, my barber goes, “Hey, man. You see this shit with Dwyane Wade’s son?” “No. That’s not my business. I got bills, bro. I got a whole real life.” Do you understand that where I live, I have a crackhead doorman? And where I live, we don’t hire doormen. This lady just showed up one day. She held the door for one person, and she’s been back every day since. And what pisses me off is that she has a custom greeting just for me. When I walk in the building, she goes, “Mr. Neko White. Ow, ow, ow.” What the fuck does that mean? “Ow, ow, ow”? I don’t speak crack Morse code, what are you saying to me? So no, I don’t know what’s going on with Dwyane Wade or his richass kid. I said that, my barber go, “Nah. See, Dwyane Wade had a son that was born a boy, but now, at 11 years old, his son say, ‘I’m a woman on the inside.’ So now when he get older, he goin’ to chop his dick off. And he gonna become a woman. Now ain’t that shit weird?” “I’m here for a fade, man. Little off the side, square in the back. What are you doing right now? Do you realize that it’s only 10:02 in the morning? Do you know that? Do you know I smoked the Sativa before I came here? Do you know that? Do you know how paranoid I am right now? And you’re going to ask me that cancelableass question? In front of all these mirrors in this barber shop? Do you know how many ‘mes’ I see in either direction right now? I’m here for a fade, man. Little off the side, square in the back.” My barber didn’t flinch. “Ain’t that shit weird?” “Yeah. Yeah, it’s weird… that you know what an 11yearold that you’re not related to want to do with their dick. That’s very weird. I’m just saying. I have a nephew that’s 11. Know what I know about him? He 11, and that’s where it stops. I don’t know nothing extra. I don’t know his name, I don’t know his birthday, and I don’t know his dick aspirations. But he 11.” When I said that, my barber goes, “Alright, Mr. HolierThanThou. What if it was your son?” “What if it was my son? I’d still need a fade. But you want to play hypotheticals with me? I do that all day, brother! Let’s do that!” What if it was my son? I could see that. I could see me walking to my son’s room, knocking on his door. “Hey, baby boy, look here. Your papa’s tired. Would you mind taking the garbage out for me, Big Dog? I’d really appreciate that.” “Dad?” “Yeah, what’s going on?” [whimpering softly] You know when a kid really think they telling you something? [whimpering softly] “Dad, um… I’m a woman on the inside.” “I just asked you to take out the garbage. Did you know it was only 10:02 in the morning right now? Did you know that? You know I smoked the Sativa before I came in here. You ever notice how many mirrors you got in your room? I’ll be right back, kid.” [imitates door closing] [exhales] Okay. “Hey, baby girl, would you mind taking that garbage out for your papa?” L.A., you’ve been excellent. My name’s Neko White. Thank you! [cheers and applause] Now then, you ready for more show? I don’t think you can hear me. Are you ready for more show? Coming to the stage is a very dear friend of mine from New York City. Y’all, put your hands together for Giulio Gallarotti! [cheers and applause] One more time for Neko, guys! Let him hear it. [cheers and applause] Yeah. Sound about right? Yeah, that sounds good. Good. Feeling good. You know, comedians travel a lot. So we see a lot of crazy stuff. I saw something on a plane the other day that I couldn’t believe was on a plane. Just a guy… with a falcon. And it wasn’t in a cage, just on his arm. And I was like, “How is that allowed on a plane? You can just bring a falcon on a plane? I can’t bring four ounces of water on a plane. But I can bring a falcon? Birds of prey? No problem.” That’s crazy. I started thinking about it, and I’m like, the idea of a falcon having to fly in a plane. The flight was only an hour! The falcon can easily fly there on its own. I was convinced that right before we actually got on the plane, the guy was just going to be like, “Alright dude, see you there.” How is this allowed? When I saw the falcon, I was making a video. I made sure I got the falcon in there with a cameo. I was editing that video for two or three months, and I was just looking at myself every day, and I just started hating the way that I look. Specifically, I was a little heavier too, in the video. My body… I was just not that down. [gags] I don’t gain weight in a masculine way. When I gain weight, it immediately just starts to be like… I start to get all curvy! I feel like as a guy, you don’t want your descriptive word to be “voluptuous.” Oh yeah, G’s thick, dude. It’s crazy. It’s amazing, like, if you can see yourself on a video, that’s a great way to know that you’ve gained weight. But otherwise, how do you find out? Typically, your rudest friend will tell you. Which is a crazy thing to be doing. I’ll never forget the last time this happened to me, I went to visit one of my friends, and the person who told me I’d gained weight was the guy who mows his lawn. He’s a very nice guy, but doesn’t speak English at all. But still, he was able to convey to me that he thought I’d gained weight. Which I’ll never forget. Because I show up, I’m like, “Hey, what’s up?” He goes, “Papi…” And I was in denial, I was like, “Maybe he just thinks I look strong or something.” I don’t know how one could ever think that this means strong. So I just said, “Oh, thank you, papi.” And he made sure to clarify. He goes, “No, papi…” And to make sure there was no mistake in my brain, he just starts going… [lips smacking] I’m like, “Dude, you’re a dick.” Isn’t that sad? I don’t know. I can’t imagine ever saying some shit like that to somebody’s face. I would at least wait for them to leave the room. Then I’d be like, “Man, he looks terrible.” I say “bro” a lot when I talk, and then sometimes I get selfconscious that I’m going to get grouped in with a group of people that I feel like I shouldn’t be associated with. You know, rambunctious, young white men. I’m like to the point to where I see a group of bros, I actually get disgusted. I’m like, “Look at these… fucking bros.” It can ruin my mood. I went to dinner, it was a sushi restaurant that I was really looking forward to going to eat at. It was fancy. I sit down. They seat me next to these bros. And I’m looking over there like, “Look at these fucking bros.” They’re not even going to appreciate this meal. They’re going to be ordering shit that isn’t even on the menu. “Can we get some sake bombs?” Their dads are probably paying. Dude, fuck this. So I was like, “You know what? I’m going to monitor them. To make sure they’re being wellbehaved.” I don’t know what power I have. Just… to prove myself right. And as it turns out, these bros, were wonderful gentlemen. They were great guys. I swear, they were mildmannered and polite, compassionate with the waitstaff. They were engaging in thoughtprovoking conversation. While maintaining their inside voices the entire time. I was like, “These bros were raised right. These bros are pros.” Seriously, it was as if these bros had achieved the next level of “brodom”. Which I didn’t even know was possible. You guys probably think that perhaps they weren’t bros at all. But they were, because they were still doing all the shit that bros do, but just in a much more classy and sophisticated manner. I’ll give you the best example. A plate of sushi comes over. One of the bros scoops up a piece, perfect chopstick work. And then he takes a bite, and he just started really earnestly enjoying it. And then he said the most bro thing you could ever say, but in a much more classy and refined way. So I’ll never forget, he’s like, “Fire.” “Fire.” I said, “Send some sake bombs over there on me, dude. This bro’s awesome.” Guys, thank you very much, I really appreciate it. Aw, it was super fun. You guys ready for the next comedian? If you make some noise, I’ll bring her out, make some noise! [cheers and applause] Guys, the next comedian coming to the stage, she’s amazing. One of my best friends. I love her. Please give it up for Carly Aquilino! [cheers and applause] Wow! Thank you, oh my God, thank you guys so much! How’s everybody feeling, good? Good, we love it. Did you guys hear there’s a new variant? We don’t care, right? None of us? We’re all here, we’re having fun. I did all the things. Anytime they tell me there’s a new variant, I’m like, “Okay, I got the vaccines” when I still wasn’t sure about the vaccines. Like, I trusted the vaccines blindly. My friends were like, “I trust science!” I’m like, “I don’t know science at all. I’m sorry. Never learned it. Don’t know anything about it.” I’m kind of dealing with the vaccine the way I deal with men in my life. I’m like, “I’ll do this, but… I won’t be surprised… if I end up regretting it.” I miss a lot of things about the lockdown. Is that bad to say? [audience] No! No! I took seven walks a day. I miss those videos that went viral every single day of just a woman that didn’t want to wear her mask. I love that lady, I love them. It was always the same thing, too. It was just some lady like, “You can’t tell me…” I’m sorry that she’s Southern. It’s just… that she was always Southern. “You can’t tell me what to do.” And the other person was just like, “Ma’am, this is a Long John Silver’s and… you’re not wearing any shoes.” I… I went through a lot, kind of, during the lockdown. I’m 31 now but I turned 30 during the whole thing. Thank you! Wow, are you guys all 30? Like, every single one of you? That’s cool. I went through this thing, though, where I thought about where I would be at this point in my life. Like, what I would have thought as a teenager. Do you ever do that? It messes me up. Like, if you would have asked me at 15 years old, I would be like, “Um, okay. First of all, here’s the stuff that’s going to happen. 31, ew, that’s disgusting, but… So, I’m definitely going to get married when I’m 20. For sure. That’s happening. And then, I’m just going to go to Europe for five years, because that doesn’t cost any money. That’s free. And then by the time I’m 31, I’m going to have three kids, just be a stayathome mom.” And now I’m 31, and I’m always like, “Do I have… two tampons in right now?” I don’t even know… I don’t even know where they go. Honestly. I… I have no way… I lose them constantly. I have no idea where they are. That’s my biggest fear as a grown woman. Can you imagine? By the way, that happened to me. And I don’t want to talk about it, but I’ll tell you guys everything. So I went to go to the bathroom. And I pull my pants down and I look down, and I saw two strings. And I was like… [gasps] “Am I a ceiling fan? Why…? Why exactly are there two strings coming out of my body right now?” I don’t know if you guys know this, anything more than one string is classified as an emergency. That’s bad, it’s a bad vibe. I had to go to the doctor. My poor gyno, this poor woman, I feel so bad for her. She hates me, I know that she does. I’m always going to her with problems that I make up, like, I always think I’m pregnant. Every single month I think I’m pregnant. Even if I don’t have sex, I’m like, “Mm, I don’t know, happened to Mary. It could definitely happen to me.” The last time I went in to her for that, she said, “Let me ask you a question. The person that you were with, did he withdraw?” Took me a second, definitely took me a second to realize what she said. And then when I figured it out, I was like, “That was so classy.” Honestly, I felt like a princess. I was like, “This was really nice for me. Thank you so much.” I had never heard it said that way. “Withdraw”? I was like, “Girl… he deposits. He’s making a lot of transactions, and… it’s bad.” I also went through a breakup during the pandemic which was kind of crazy. You know it’s bad when in the middle of a lockdown somebody looks at you and they’re like, “Hey, we should see other people.” I was like, “That’s illegal, but… I get it.” You know? So now I’m dating again, and it’s hard. You can’t do it. How am I supposed to go out and meet people? When I was young, I would worry. I would worry so much when I went out with a guy. I would be like, “Is he going to kill me?” And now I would prefer it. Like “I… I’m done. No, I’m done. Thank you. I’m all set. I’ve seen enough. I’m done.” I’ve realized that I have very bad judgment when it comes to men. I was at a bar, and I see this guy at the other end of the bar and I’m with my friends, and he had four tattoos on his face. And I saw it, and I was like, “I’m going to fix it. Whatever it is, I will fix that.” And… my friends were like, “I think he’s in a gang.” I was like, “I think you’re jealous of me.” Like… “I’m sorry. I have a boyfriend, you don’t. Like… Girl, if you can’t find a man, just say that.” And that’s really how I feel. I’m sorry, but it’s a lot of jealousy. But I feel like we don’t see the red flags. We want to see the good in people. I always make up excuses for guys. I’ll go out on date, my friends will be like, “Hey, how was your first date?” I’m like, “Um… [tearfully] well, he made me cry, and he’s definitely a liar, and I think he’s married. And I think he stole 20 dollars out of my bag, but… there’s just something about him. I really do… I feel good about this.” Thank you guys so much, you’re such a fun crowd. Are you ready to keep this show going? I want you to give a warm welcome to such a funny guy, Dave Sirus! [cheers and applause] Alright, how you guys doing? Everything went great. Great, well, my name’s Dave, I’ll be your Jew for the evening. But honestly, thank you all so much for being here. It is so amazing for me to see all you, to be here, to see that my friendship with Pete is finally paying off. Yeah, I’m Jewish. I’m also Russian. So… that’s fun now. Yeah, I’m a Russian Jew, so you know what that means: I’m two kinds of untrustworthy. But honestly though, I feel like even if Russia had never done anything, people still wouldn’t trust us just for the accent. Because like, when you have a Russian accent, you kind of always sound like you’re about to lie about something. It’s just taking you a second to figure it out, like, the first time I talked to my landlord, he was like, [in Russian accent] “Oh, you should rent this apartment. Uh, you… won’t be sorry. Oh, you should meet my daughter. She is… [deep sigh] …beautiful.” [normal voice] So I should tell you guys a little bit about myself. I’ve always been creepy. That wasn’t the joke. I No, like honestly, ever since I was a kid, I was just always a really weird kid. But like, I didn’t know how weird everyone else thought I was. I think that happens with weird kids. I didn’t even realize how crazy of a thought it was until I grew up, and if I was going through something, my dad would be like, “Listen, we’re just proud of you for not being a serial killer.” Like wait, what did I do? So the first clue I ever had about how weird everyone else thought I was was in the seventh grade. My parents got this letter from the school board that said, “Congratulations, David has been selected for a very special program called Life Skills.” And I was so dumb, I thought this proved I was gifted. So I go to this weeklong program that’s in a building far away from my normal school. I open the door, and this is exactly what happened, I see there are two eager grad students and the nine most fuckedup kids in my school. I mean the kids who were caught smoking, drinking, fucking, fighting, the girls who got pregnant, the guy who got them all pregnant, and me. Even though, like unlike these other kids, I hadn’t really gotten in trouble. My grades were fine, I was, and would stay a virgin for eight more years. Yet I was in this class with the dangerous kids. And it’s only now as an adult, do I finally realize what was going on. That I was the scariest kid in my school. Because all the other kids in this class knew what they did to be put into this class. They were all there for a very specific onpaper reason. But with me, it was just a feeling! That the whole faculty agreed on to separate me now. So, that same year, I had this one teacher, Mr. Marigan. He was my favorite teacher. And here’s the thing, I was really weird, I didn’t have any friends, I loved attention, which is why this is happening. So I really needed someone to talk to. If you’re a weird kid, you find someone, your family, a teacher. For me, that was the cool science teacher I had. Mr. Marigan. Because even if I was having a bad day, I could still tell him a couple of jokes in class when I walked in that I knew he’d appreciate more than these dumb kids. So I’d be like, “Hey, Mr. Marigan, I read in this book that I can talk to dead people if I have a pint of goat’s blood, a human thumb, and a paper plate. Do you have any plates?” Yeah, exactly. Kid jokes. Ten years later, my little brother became best friends with Mr. Marigan’s son. This is really what he said to my brother. He goes, “Oh, wow, you’re David’s brother? That kid scared the shit out of me. Yeah, the ‘talk to dead people’ kid. Is he in jail?” And I said to my brother, “No way. No way. I know Mr. Marigan loved me.” I was, like, his favorite student. And I have proof, because that year my mom had made a deal with me. I could only go to camp if my worst grade for the year was a B or better. And I knew I wasn’t going to go, because I actually got a really bad grade on Marigan’s final, I was going to get more like a D+. And then last day of school, I got my report card, and I was I swear to God shocked, because I got my B. And I knew I didn’t deserve it. I figured, “He knows how hard I’m working and how much I wanted it. I’m a good student, he gave me some extra points.” Whatever it was, I just knew he hooked me up for some reason. And that meant a lot to me. That was why Mr. Marigan was my favorite teacher for years after that. Until… I got to hear the other half of that story. This is really what he said to my brother. He goes, “Look, I’m going to tell you how much that kid freaked me out. I don’t know how he did it, I don’t know how he figured out how to do it. But somehow, some way, when I was doing his grade point average at the end of the year, it equaled out to a perfect 66.6. I was so scared I gave him a B.” Yeah, turns out, Marigan did not understand me at all. But, it did get me into camp. Which, by the way, was a terrible experience I wish I hadn’t gone to. Honestly, I think the reason I was so weird, part of it, is that my mom had me really young. She was 18, I love my mom, but she wasn’t ready for how weird I would be. Here’s a perfect example. So, the next year, I was probably 13, and like I said, I was really unpopular, no friends, and I was desperate for a girlfriend. I wanted a girlfriend so bad. And I wasn’t even horny. I was fantasizing about someday getting to buy a girl a locket. Like, that’s how wholesome I was. So, I knew I could never date a girl at my own school. So I had a plan. If I could just meet girls in other school districts, it could take weeks for them to find out about me. So I got a bunch of art supplies that I had in my basement, because I was actually really into drawing at the time. I actually went to college to be a painter, that’s why I do comedy for a living. So I got these art supplies, and I really did this. I’m not even joking. I really made a bunch of handdrawn homemade posters that really did say, “Children’s Dating Service.” Oh! And, my phone number. And my mom walked in on me making these posters, and I swear to God, she said, “Oh, good idea! Want me to help you put these up?” That is poor parenting. I am convinced to this day that the only reason I wasn’t molested is that every pervert in my town thought that this was the laziest police sting they’d ever seen. Thanks a lot, guys. I’m Dave. We’ve got… we’ve got such a great show for you. This next comic, he is one of my favorite comics in the world. You may have seen him in the movie Big Time Adolescence. Let’s give a big hand, everybody, for Joey Gay! [cheers and applause] What’s up, fuckers, how are you? Oh no, that’s not going to work! How are you? [Joey] That’s right! It was fine. It’s great to be here. My name is Joey Gay, GAY. I grew up in Brooklyn. That shit was not cool. Other children beat the shit out of me because my last name is Gay. Two weeks ago I found out my last name is from the Champagne region in France. I know, it got gayer! Which seems weird in this late stage in the game. And it’s supposed to be pronounced, “Ghee.” Right? But I still live in Brooklyn, I don’t have the time or the balls to correct people. Like, “Oh, no, sir, that’s pronounced ‘Ghee’.” People in Brooklyn are dickheads, they’ll be like, “Oh, I know, I got a cousin who’s ‘ghee,’ he sucks ‘cooks.'” So happy to be here tonight. I had a heart attack recently. They wheeled me into the hospital. The doctor came out and the first thing he said to me was, “Sir, we found drugs in your system.” I was like, “Ah, Doctor, I put the drugs in my system. Let’s move on to the heart attack. That’s the part I don’t know about.” He wanted to be a dick, he wanted to keep going, He’s like, “About the drugs…” I was like, “Fuck this guy, I’m going to flip it on him.” I was like, “Yeah, about the drugs, I want them back!” They had to prepare me for surgery. That was scary. While they prepared me for surgery, they shaved down here, but only half. Only the right half, the top and one of the twins, the lowhanging one. Yeah! And then, they started surgery by going in through my wrist. Yes! I was like, “Hey, what the fuck?” He was like, “Well, in case this doesn’t work, we’ll go in.” I was like, “Couldn’t you have waited? Look at this!” Do you know what it’s like to be laying naked, on the edge of death, surrounded by strangers, thinking, “God! Let me live so I can shave this other nut. Don’t send me to the afterlife looking like this, Lord.” Having a heart attack is a fuckedup thing. After that, you’ve got to change stuff. You got to change stuff. I had to start exercising, I had to give up cigarettes. Oh my God! Do I miss cigarettes. Cigarettes are the single greatest vice on the planet. If you don’t believe me, allow me to explain. People used to go home at night to smoke, and they would put on their smoking jacket. It is a vice that is so good, it had apparel. You would go into your home and put on a silk jacket like some sort of tobacco pimp. I wish other vices had apparel, too. Right? So then when you showed up at the bar on Friday night and you saw your friends, you would know exactly what type of bullshit you were in for that night. People would be like, “Hey, there’s Larry!” You would be like, “Don’t wave at Larry.” “Why not?” “Larry is wearing his crack helmet. Larry is going to be an asshole tonight! Borrowing money, chewing on his face.” I’m getting older and finding out in weird fucking ways. I found out I was getting old at my bodega. Last year, when they gave me my change, they were like, “Thank you, my dude.” Now they go, “Thank you, sir.” Hey! Fuck you! Ease off on that “sir” shit. Whenever some young motherfucker gives me that “sir” shit, I have something for them, though. When they go, “Thank you, sir.” I go, “I welcome your thanks, young squire!” See, that puts an end to that “sir” shit 99% of the time. But the asshole at my bodega on the corner likes to spend his weekends at the Renaissance festival. Yeah, so now every time I come in, he’s like, “My liege!” I like Los Angeles. It’s crazy though. I was out here on Hollywood Boulevard, it reminds me of my hometown, New York. Listen, if you are from New York or L.A., you have a superpower that other people in the country don’t. And that is you can ignore more crazy… than anybody else on the planet. You could be standing on a corner waiting for the light to change. A stranger could walk up next to you. He could be holding a severed human head, wearing no pants, no underwear, rockhard dick out to here! If you’re from a town like ours, you just go, “Not my head, not my dick, not my business.” Thank you very much. I have enjoyed this more than you have. [cheers and applause] It is my pleasure to bring to the stage a man you’ve seen here on Netflix on the show Love. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Mr. Jordan Rock. [cheers and applause] Ah, you guys can make more noise than that. What’s good, L.A.? Make some noise! [cheers and applause] Nice. Nice. So, 2022, how we feeling about it? [scattered clamoring] Not even a clap, alright. I know, right? We’re feeling it out still. I don’t know, man. Not that it’s a bad year, we just had two bad years back to back. Right? Like 2020, 2021… 2021 started good. They let us outside. They were like, “Go, be out there!” They told us to take the masks off, we threw them in the air like it was graduation. And then they were like, “Put them back on!” And we were like, “No, that’s not how this shit works. Alright? No! You reneging right now. Nah.” The CDC was acting like your parents after they gave you too much freedom. You felt that, right? CDC was on TV like, “Bring the car back right now, alright?” You were like, “No, you said I could be out though!” “Yeah, I said you could be out, I didn’t say you could be with your friends.” That was our life, man. We made it out. What else happened in 2021? We got that new president. How do we feel about him? [scattered applause] Eh… I’m not political, I don’t have any political jokes. But I will say this about Joe Biden. I didn’t even know I liked my president tweeting until it stopped. Now I’m just like, “Nigga… where you at, bro?” Like… What the fuck? Yo, Trump tweeted all the time. Trump tweeted like Kanye, it was like, “Yo, take this nigga’s phone, bro!” But the con was, every time Trump tweeted, it was like, “I feel like he about to go to war. I feel like…” But now we almost there. And I’m just looking at Joe Biden like, “Nigga… start an Instagram or something, bro, please! A TikTok! You got to reach Gen Z, man!” Speaking of Gen Z, is there any Gen Z in here? Any? [audience cheering] Alright, round of applause if you are over the age of 25. [cheers and applause] Nice. My people. Round of applause if you are under the age of 25. [cheers and applause] I’m glad you’re all here. I’ll take it on behalf of everybody over the age of 25 to finally say to everyone under 25: fuck Gen Z! We don’t like you! I’m a millennial, yo, I thought we were bad. Yeah, we had opinions. No one gave a fuck. Everyone under 25, y’all got opinions and you want everyone to know them, and you want everybody to change for you. Yeah, everyone under the age of 25 is like, “I know I just got here in 1997, but you’re doing it wrong, alright? Listen to me, okay? I read a book and wrote a blog, alright? Listen to me. I’ve never signed a lease, but listen, okay?” I hate it, man. Millennials, we were progressive. We did progressive shit, but we didn’t lead like that, you know? It was just like, “Yo man, why you doing that? That shit’s hard.” That was it. “Yo, why you wearing that? That shit’s dope.” That’s all we needed. Ask anybody under the age of 25 why they’re doing anything. Like, “Hey man, why are you wearing that shirt?” “Clothing’s my outlet.” “Yo, shut the fuck up, please. Please? Please shut up. Please, please, please, please, please.” Talking about anybody under the age of 25 with a Twitter account. Fuck you. Alright? Yes, thank you, up top. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I’m happy about 2022 that nothing racial’s happened yet. I hate when racial shit happens in the country, like cops shoot an unarmed black man. Go back to work the next day, all your white friends are overcompensating. Yeah, you get it. You’re Asian, you’re a POC, yeah! Show up the next day, all your white friends in your face like, “Hey. Do you know… that Black lives… matter?” And I’m just looking at them confused, like, “Yeah, I thought all of that was for you. I’ve been here, I’m Black, I matter. Tell your grandpa, please. He makes the laws.” I hate it, man. All my white friends overcompensate. All my other friends act like good people. I hate it. I go on Facebook, all my friends turn into activists out of nowhere. Yeah, I read the post, by the end of it I’m like, “But nigga, I know you. You’re… you’re a piece of shit, man. You curse at your mom. What are you talking about?” I hate it. My boys get way too into it. Went on Facebook the other day, my boy was like, “I’m about to donate to charity!” I was like, “Whoa, nigga, you owe me $40, what are you talking about? Fuck this GoFundMe, bro, you don’t know her, alright? I was there for you when you needed it. Break me, nigga.” Found out I was a piece of shit in 2020. Not that I’m a piece of shit, it’s just that I have a selfish set of inner values. I have to answer to God about that when I go, okay? But I’m still with the shit, I still don’t fuck with racism, systemic racism, police brutality. The police. But at the same time, there are certain things that affect me just as much as the police. There are certain things that happened to me that I think are just as bad as the police, to me. Y’all quiet as shit right now. Y’all are like, “Where the fuck is he going with all these trigger words? Just trigger after trigger after trigger, I’m triggered.” I got y’all, I’ll make it funny, alright? Here we go. Y’all ready for…? This is something. Y’all ready for something that I think is just as bad as the police? [woman] Yeah. Alright, here we go. If you’re a woman, and you give a halfass blowjob, you are just as bad as the police to me, okay? You are oppressing me. You’re stopping me from reaching my full potential. And I know you’re causing that police brutality outside, alright? Because officers with empty nuts don’t shoot unarmed black people, okay? We cannot have these officers in the streets with full nuts and full clips. One of them has to be empty. So ladies, we need you. Every woman in this room. We need you. We need you the most, alright? Next time you suck a dick, alright? Go down there with intent, alright? Just… Just energy, commitment, alright? Grab the head right here, okay? This is where all the nerves are. Fuck the shaft, grab the balls, tickle the taint, spit, elbow grease. I’ll sum it all up. Ladies, if you can, next time you suck a dick, please… suck dick… like Black lives matter. We need you! White women, we really need you, okay? We really do. You have, uh… You have BLM on all your dating profiles. It’s time to prove it, alright? I’m Jordan Rock, and with that being said, are you ready for me to bring back the man of the hour? Make some noise for my motherfucking nigga, Pete Davidson, everybody. [cheers and applause] Woo! Jordan Rock, everybody. Jordan Rock. Backstage, I was like, welp, I’m getting canceled. Thank you. Thank you guys all for coming out. One more time for all the comics that you see tonight. [cheers and applause] Anyways, this next guy who’s coming to the stage… we celebrated Christmas together in 2018. We were at my mom’s house, we were living together at my mom’s house… in her basement. And I remember we were looking at each other, and we were like, “It’s okay. Our careers are fucking over. It’s fine. We had fun. It’s all good.” Whoever would have thought we could have done anything, right? This guy now has two numberone albums in a row. He’s I think one of the biggest names you can get. Please give it up for Machine Gun Kelly, everyone! [cheers and applause] ♪ Ayy, I wrote a letter to myself In the form of a song I could play ♪ ♪ When the sun shines ♪ ♪ I know better than to trust ♪ ♪ Anything that I say to myself When I’m this high ♪ ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ ♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪ ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ ♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when… ♪ ♪ I just did a interview With my eyes closed ♪ ♪ Motherfucker ♪ ♪ Motherfucker ♪ ♪ I just sparked a blunt It looked like pyro ♪ ♪ Only comments I see Are the bad ones ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Only playlists I like Are the sad ones ♪ ♪ I let the medicine in I know it won’t help in the end ♪ ♪ But I got depression again I had a meeting at seven ♪ ♪ I skipped it and slept in and woke up At 7 p.m. ♪ ♪ I cut my hair off ♪ ♪ Like Britney ♪ ♪ Sprinkled dust ♪ ♪ Like a pixie ♪ ♪ Wiped my nose ♪ ♪ Like it’s itchy ♪ ♪ I’m tatted up ♪ ♪ And I don’t give a fuck ♪ ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ ♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪ ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ ♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪ ♪ When I’m this high When I’m this high ♪ ♪ I just looked in the mirror Who is this guy? ♪ ♪ It’s a full moon, what? Where the good shrooms? ♪ ♪ I’m so fucking high Sound like a good school ♪ ♪ Higher than Jehovah Highway to Heaven ♪ ♪ You know I’ma get pulled over I might need a chauffeur ♪ ♪ Lean in my soda So I’ma need a shoulder ♪ ♪ Why you got your nose up? I smell like Guns N’ Roses ♪ ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ ♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪ ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ ♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪ Make some noise for my motherfucking best friend Pete Davidson. [cheers and applause] ♪ I don’t ever wanna fall When I’m this high ♪ Let’s go. ♪ Screaming when we fuck ♪ ♪ Screaming when we fight, yeah ♪ ♪ Even when I’m drunk You’re my only type, yeah ♪ ♪ Please don’t break my heart I know that you might, yeah ♪ ♪ Tell me tell me now Are you ’bout that life? Yeah ♪ ♪ Bonnie and Clyde, ready to die Two grave sites, later tonight ♪ ♪ You told me to stop waiting I can feel your back breaking ♪ ♪ Late night, face down, ooh Waterworks, swam your pool ♪ ♪ Backstroke, we both naked I can see that ass shaking ♪ ♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪ ♪ You’re gone when I wake up ♪ ♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪ ♪ Oh, you’re gone when I wake up ♪ ♪ When you come back I’ll be waiting ♪ ♪ There’s something you’re not saying ♪ ♪ When you come back I’ll be waiting ♪ ♪ There’s something you’re not saying ♪ [Machine Gun Kelly] Actually, this next one, me and Pete, we’ve been smoking weed together for a long time in his mom’s basement, and anytime we do smoke… ♪ This shit tastes like… ♪ ♪ Get those hands up like this, yeah ♪ ♪ L.A.’s seen this shit, yeah Yeah ♪ ♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪ ♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪ ♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪ ♪ What? ♪ ♪ I’m trying to fix this damage, yeah ♪ ♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪ ♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪ ♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪ ♪ I’m trying to face this damage, yeah ♪ ♪ I’m in my head again I took more medicine ♪ ♪ Ripped up the parts from my heart And my chest again ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jon Stewart Acceptance Speech | 2022 Mark Twain Prize

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jon-stewart-acceptance-speech-2022-mark-twain-prize/

Thank you so much. (audience applauds) You know, that’s a wonderful surprise. This night, is that it? (audience laughs) You know, I been in this 35 years, was it, like, eight people? (audience laughs) I don’t know, I guess I expected more. (audience laughs) (chuckles) This is incredible. You’re f*cking amazing. Gary Clark, Jr., and the whole band, just, is amazing. (audience applauding) What an amazing night. When I first got the call, when the Kennedy Center, I would receive the Twain Prize, I said to my wife, “Don’t give them any of our credit card information.” “The Kennedys wanna give you the Twain.” (audience laughs) “And it could be yours, just, there’s some shipping costs.” But I Googled it, (audience laughs) and it’s real. It’s a real award. It’s incredible, and to see you all here, masked, is so f*cking weird, I can’t even tell you. It does feel like a dystopian movie, or like a weird O. Henry story, where at the end they say to the comedian, you know, “You can perform, but no mouths,” (audience laughing) “there can be…” You know, and backstage, I’m sure the comedians’re like, “Yo, did you see those eye crinkles? I was f*cking killing it.” (audience laughs) “Oh my god, they were squinting. (audience applauding) It was amazing.” This is a Faustian bargain, but I’m so glad for us to finally be getting back to normal, and finally getting back to honoring the non-essential worker, that’s really… (audience laughs) You’re welcome. I think the pandemic taught us one thing; it’s that, really, you don’t need any of us, do you? (audience laughs) You need the grocery store, got it. This is a wonderful award. To see all my friends here, and all the people I’ve worked with for their years. Just, it reminds me of just how many people I carried… (audience laughs) for so long. (audience applauds) There’re a lot of jokes about how I look (audience laughs) Touche. (audience laughs) I am a Jew. This is what happens. (audience laughs) (laughs) Black don’t crack. But Jews, we age like avocados. (audience laughs) I have so many people to thank, really, for all this. First and foremost, my mother is here, who is right there. (audience applauding) Who is gonna be 90. There you go. Come on, woman! This year, she is gonna be 90. Or as that’s known in the US Senate, a freshman. (audience laughs) You know, everybody talked about work ethic, that’s where I learned it. 1971 or 1972, my father left the family, and we had tough times. It was tough, and she coulda rolled over, but she didn’t. She got up, and she showed me that you’re not your circumstances. You’re not what happens to you, you’re what you make of it. And she got up, and she got her *** in gear, and she gave us a good life. And I could never repay her for that. (audience applauding) And the punchline, my father died 10 years ago. Winner, winner, chicken dinner, (audience laughs) that’s what I’m saying. Yeah! Who’s laughing now? Yeah, I still have issues. (audience laughs) I wanna thank my brother, who is here. My brother, who was so academically gifted that I knew I would have to go in a different direction, so, I thank him for that. (audience applauding) My family is here. That is my boy. I can’t tell you, and this is advice for anybody. If you like to do dumb sh*t, (audience laughs) which is something I like very much to do, I cannot recommend more, creating a small child (audience laughs) who also likes to do dumb s*it. Because then, you can do the dumb sh*t and say, “It’s what he want, what?” (audience laughs) Little Maggie is also here. Nothing’s better than when little Maggie says to me, “You wanna go for a drive?” And we get in the car and we go for a drive. And if any of you wanna have a transcendent experience, get in the car with your daughter and drive down the Jersey shore, and listen to Jay Cole “She’s Mine”, parts one and two (audience laughing) as the sun is setting. And it’s beautiful. And I can’t be prouder of the both of you, and I love you both so much. (audience applauds) And my wife, who… I met my wife on a blind date in 1995. And our first date, I had it all picked out. We went to a little hole-in-the-wall place called Lupe’s East LA Kitchen on 6th Avenue and Watts in New York. And we went there because I am a motherf*cking baller. (audience laughs) But it was a really interesting date, because she didn’t say anything the whole time. (audience laughs) So afterwards, I thought, “Well, I’ll take one last shot.” “It’s not the fragility of the audience, it’s the fragility of leaders.” I was walking her back, she lived on Mulberry Street. I said, “You wanna just duck into a bar real quick, and just have a quick drink?” Well, one scotch and soda (audience titters) and it was on. (audience laughs) And I was hooked. And I have to say, again, a lesson for all of you, if you’re gonna go on a date, make sure the place has a liquor license. (audience laughs) Because if it doesn’t, you could miss out on your favorite person in the world. (audience coos) (audience applauds) Love you. Still the best laugh I ever earned. And to all the people that came here tonight to see this, I can’t thank you enough. It’s ironic, I carry around, always, a quote by Twain. It just so happens (audience laughing) that I am never without it. And it’s about ideas, and the quote is, “The radical invents the views. But when he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.” And I keep that with me as a reminder that even for Twain, they’re not all f*cking gems. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) Even the most celebrated artist amongst us ***** the bed. (audience laughs) But the point is this, what we do is an iterative business. It’s a grind. It’s work. The best amongst us just keep at it. I began in 1987. And my journey began, it’s the weirdest thing, I walked into a basement in Greenwich Village called the Comedy Cellar. And when you’re a comic, you look in a room, and 200 seats are facing one way. And there’s one stool, and it has a light shining on it. And you walk into that room, and go, “That’s gonna be my chair. I’m gonna sit in that one.” And you spend the rest of your career trying to earn that stool. And some nights, man, you don’t even belong in the club, you don’t even belong on the street. But you get back at it, because there isn’t any fixed point in comedy where you make it or you don’t make it. It’s the journey, with the greatest friends I could ever possibly have made. And the terrible nights, and the great nights, and the fun we have sitting at the table. That’s what this weekend’s been about for me, is catching up with great friends, and sitting at the table, and laughing our ****** off, and us all going, like, “Oh god, what time do we have to be there tonight?” Not that you’re not great. (audience laughs) And there’s a lot of talk right now about what’s gonna happen to comedy. You know, there was the slap. And what does the slap say about comedy, and is comedy gonna survive in this new moment? Now I’ve got news for you, comedy survives every moment. And having Bassem, here, is a really great example of the true threat to comedy. (audience applauds) It’s not the woke police that’re gonna be an existential threat to comedy. It’s not the Fresh Prince, it’s the crown prince. It’s not the fragility of audiences, it’s the fragility of leaders. You don’t owe us anything, as an audience. If we say sh*t you don’t like, say sh*t back, do whatever you gotta do. Don’t get up and hit us. (audience laughs) (attendee cheers) But that’s just the game we’re in. We talk **** for a living, you talk **** back, and we just gotta be better than you. And we’ve gotta find a way to entertain you. But the threat to comedy, comedy doesn’t change the world, but it’s a bellwether. We’re the banana peel in the coal mine. (audience titters) When a society is under threat, comedians are the ones who get sent away first. It’s just a reminder to people that democracy is under threat. Authoritarians are the threat to comedy, to art, to music, to thought, to poetry… (audience applauding) …to progress, to all those things. All that **** is a red herring. It ain’t the pronoun police, it’s the secret police. It always has been, and it always will be. And this man’s decapitated visage (audience laughs) is a reminder to all of us that what we have is fragile, and precious. And the way to guard against it isn’t to change how audiences think. It’s to change how leaders lead. And so, I thank you so much for your support tonight, and for this award. (audience applauding) Thank you. Good night. Unbelievable. (jazzy music)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-live-at-red-rocks-transcript/

[audience cheering, whistling] [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr! [cheering and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya? How’s it goin’? All right. You guys standin’ up, sit down. Sit down. See if I’m funny. I’ve been inside for a year and a half just like you. All right. It’s nice to be out here in Denver, man. [cheering] [chuckles] It’s legal on a state level, but not on a federal level, man. Everybody out here dressing like they’re fuckin’ goin’ hiking. [chuckles] Your North Face pajamas and all this shit you guys have. You guys all live inside. So, how have you guys been doin’, man? How has your pandemic been? You enjoyed it? You been staying inside? Are you being safe? [man] No! I am so fed up with people… “I ain’t bein’ safe! I don’t fuckin’ believe in it!” “It’s all a bunch of lies!” We’re just totally divided. The people that are like, “You gotta get vaccinated.” “You have to wrap yourself in an afghan, and you gotta cover your face and hold your breath when you look at pictures of people.” And you got the other side, “I don’t give a shit!” “I’m gonna have my balls out, walkin’ down the street, ’cause that’s what Jesus said in John 13.” “I read it in my bible study class. I don’t give a fuck.” “And if I get it, I’m goin’ to the hospital and be like, ‘All right, fix me, you were right.'” Everybody, all hypocritical. All the liberals, “You gotta wear the mask, gotta wear the mask.” Then half of them when they talk, they’re pullin’ it down. They got it up under their fuckin’ nose. Then the other assholes, they were all patriotic for years. “America, love it or leave it!” “Support the troops!” “You don’t like it, get the fuck out.” “America, love it or leave it.” All right, take the vaccine. “Well, I don’t trust the government.” Where the fuck did that come from? I thought you were all about it. I thought you were waving the flag and all of that shit. Listen, here’s the deal. We’re never gonna solve this shit until we all get on the same page, which we know is never gonna happen, it’s never gonna happen. So, we gotta set up some Hunger Games shit to solve it. And whoever wins, wins. It’s the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers. So there’s a giant field, and all the people who don’t want to get the vaccine, all the fatties and the fuckin’ lunatics, right? You gotta fuckin’ run the length of the field and try to make it to the other side while there’s a helicopter flying over you and they’re shooting the vaccine down at you. All right? And I know what you’re thinkin’, “Well, that ain’t fair, man.” “I’m runnin’ in my shit-kickers, you’re up there in a helicopter and you got a gun.” Well, here’s how we… It’s a liberal with a gun, right? They’re not good at that. Say, “Oh, my God, is it alive? Is it gonna hit me?” “I don’t feel safe!” And by then, you’re already halfway there. One of the straps of your overalls is off. If you make it to the other side, in the end, just like dodgeball, we’ll just score it. “Who won?” It’s an idea, I don’t know. I just… I don’t know what else to do. I’ve kind of quit. I’m like… I’ve got to be honest with you. For the first like, you know, year of this shit, I was an American, you know, and I was rootin’ for everybody, and then, I don’t know. They let us outside for a couple of weeks and then they sent us back in, and I just didn’t have it in me anymore. It’s like, “I don’t care. I just don’t give a shit.” “You know, I hope a lot more people die, I really do.” But the one good thing about this whole pandemic shit, and I really hope by the time this fuckin’ thing comes out that this will be considered old, I don’t know, God willing, but the one great thing about this pandemic shit is it kind of slowed down a little bit of that cancel culture. You know what I mean? Yeah. It’s kind of hard to take your dick out at work when you’re at home. You know? Some people still manage to do it. They’re on a Zoom call, no pants on. All of the sudden, standing up, their chunk right in the screen. Still figured out a way to get fired. It was unreal. It’s kind of good, though, that those creeps got to take a break, ’cause I felt like cancel culture, they were kind of running out of people to cancel. You know? As much as they wanted to make it seem, there really was a finite amount of people that took their dick out at work. Despite the stats, right? “Every 1.6 seconds, somebody takes their dick out and shakes it in a woman’s face in a cubicle.” You’re like, “What? Every 1.6 seconds?” I must not have been paying attention. “Every 3.2 seconds, some man jizzes on a fern and rubs it in a woman’s face.” Holy shit! I didn’t know that. Right? Yeah. So fortunately they rounded up all of these fuckin’ animals… and they got rid of them, right? But it kind of became like this cottage industry and it was a way to kind of get rid of some men that maybe were in your way, you know? It’s like anything. You know, the initial thing, you agree with it, and then it kind of gets out of control. So, I don’t know. But it kind of ran out of people and there was this hilarious moment, like last year where they started to try and cancel dead people. Remember that? All of the sudden, out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending. Have they got some found footage, a new movie coming out that maybe they shelved? Then all of the sudden it was all these stupid-ass “woke” white people, right? “Oh, my God, did you see what John Wayne said in Playboy in 1971?” Can you… this is a bunch of fuckin’ white people all up in arms about a dead white guy. “I can no longer tolerate this.” “I can no longer tolerate dead-for-45-years John Wayne saying things in a magazine that doesn’t exist anymore.” “I am here for Black people.” These fuckin’ idiots. What kind of a fuckin’ idiot white person refers to themselves as “woke”? You know? If you actually were socially conscious, you’d realize that white people stole that word from Black people. Once again doin’ the Elvis thing. Right? But you know what, I blame Black people for that. One of them fucked up. They were at a party, there was white people there, and they let it slip out. “Stay woke” or however the fuck you say it. And some white person heard it, like, “Ah, what was that?” “Oh, my God.” “‘Stay woke’? I wanna say that.” “I gotta say that around my white friends so they know that I’m down.” “Oh, my God, I’m gonna fuckin’ say that.” “I’m fuckin’ woke. I’m fuckin’ woke.” “I’m a woke stickler.” “I’ve fuckin’ had it, I’ve had it.” “I support Black people in my white apartment on Twitter.” “That’s what I do. I’m fuckin’ here for you.” Every white person likes to lie to themselves that if they were alive 150 years ago, that they would have been working on the underground railroad, trying to help slaves escape, right? “I would be one of the good white people, yes.” “I would have taken time out of my day, risked my life.” And the reality is, is you’d be doing back then exactly what you’re doing today… nothin’. Not a fuckin’ thing. Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter. “Oh, my God, my heart breaks on my L-shaped couch.” My favorite thing about the Black Lives Matter marches was the store windows that would have the plywood over the windows, and then it would say, “Black lives matter” on top of the plywood. I just loved the duality of that message, you know? It’s like, “Black lives matter, we’re all the same, we’re all one.” “Don’t burn down my store, you fuckin’ animals!” “Everybody is welcome in this store.” “Anyone can come in.” “One at a time, follow him!” “It’s just a safe space for everyone.” Yeah. John Wayne was born in 1907. That’s what the fuck he’s gonna sound like. Then you got all these douchebags going like, “That’s not an excuse.” It’s like, “Yes, it is.” It absolutely is. You are of your time. Look at these young kids. Remember, for a year and a half, they’d take a water bottle. They’re all standing around and one kid would flip it, and if it landed upright, they’d go… [screaming] “Oh, shit!” And they’d just lose their fuckin’ minds. I didn’t understand it. But I’m born in 1968, so I’m just like, “All right, well, no one tried to slap it out of the way.” “You do it enough times, it’s gonna fuckin’ land upright.” “What is happening here?” Right? I don’t wanna ruin their good time. They’re excited, they’re gonna get on their scooters and ride off. Like a little posse or some shit. I’m like, all right, you can do that. Yeah. So that was like a thing for like half a second. Sean Connery died. The great Sean Connery. Yeah, my favorite James Bond of all time. Yeah. And he was getting a proper send-off for about eight minutes on Twitter, and then the first hairy-leg white chick shows up, right? And she’s just gotta be like, “Really? Really?” “Are we really gonna celebrate this man who advocated the hitting of women?” It’s like, first of all, he didn’t advocate hitting women, okay? [as Connery] He just, “Every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” “Yeah, give ’em a little back of the hand, ya remind ’em who’s making the bucks off this shit.” “Reset their hard drive.” That’s all he said, okay? Yes, it’s a crazy statement in 2021. 1976, you know, it’s not good, but it’s not crazy. Right? And he’s born in 1930. You gotta put this shit in historical perspective. I love old movies. You ever watch movies from the ’30s, ’40s, and ’50s? Yeah. Any time a woman even has heightened emotion, there’s some guy like, “Get ahold of yourself!” “Yeah, go make me a pie. Put it on the windowsill.” Right? That’s what he grew up watchin’. I grew up in the ’70s. I thought being a truck driver was a cool thing. You know, you had a monkey for a friend. Going around, chicks are showin’ their titties. I thought that that was the world. I had no idea, that’s what I was watching. My thing is, okay, so if you’re gonna cancel all of these fuckin’ dead guys and shit all over them after they’re dead and they can’t defend themselves, why are you only going after men? You know, what about all the horrible women in history? You can’t just go after the men, that would be sexist, and this is what they don’t want. You know? I mean, what about Coco Chanel? Great example. Coco Chanel. Widely considered a feminist icon. She started her own purse factory, right, in the 19-teens or ’20s, whatever the hell she did. I can’t imagine the sexism that she had to deal with, you know. An amazing accomplishment, hats off to her, right? However, she was also a Nazi sympathizer. Yeah. That’s like half her fucking Wikipedia page, just sitting there, waiting for someone to read it. Right out in the open, nothin’. So evidently, what happened was, in World War II, old Adolf came rolling into town, okay, with his tanks with the Porsche engines in ’em, took over the town in like 90 minutes. She freaked out. She closes up her shop, right? Figured out where all the head Nazis were staying, what hotel. She moved in there and she started a relationship with one of the Nazis. Yeah. She started fucking a Nazi. You ever see those Holocaust videos? Huh? With those piles of kids’ shoes? Yeah. She was sucking the dick that did that. Now, just to refresh my memory, what did Sean Connery do again? “Oh, you know, every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” That’s what he did. She’s sittin’ there like, “Hey, Adolf, what’s goin’ on?” She so sold out her own country, she had to flee it at the end of the war, and I have no idea how many dicks she had to suck to get back in it. But despite all of that, I still don’t judge her. I don’t, ’cause I’ve never been in that situation. You know, I’ve never been in a country where all of the sudden, the most powerful army the world has ever seen comes in and takes it over in a couple of hours. She must have been terrified, right? And she’s a woman. You know? She’s into fashion. They show up with those Hugo Boss uniforms. You know, her knees buckle a little bit. Things start getting ugly, people are getting shot in the street. She’s freakin’ out. You know. And she’s a woman, and women know push comes to shove when you get your back against the wall. No matter how bad it gets, they always have the option of fucking their way out of a situation. They always got that card they can play. Right? All women know this. Women, all women know this. Men don’t realize this till they go to prison. But women learn this early on. She had the option and she took it. I can’t get mad at her for that, you know? So she’s dead and gone. I think she’s up there in heaven. I think she made it. She’s up there with Sean Connery. Every once in a while, they have a disagreement, he gives her a little slap, you know? She doesn’t care. Once you shit on a Nazi’s chest, a little backhand’s not gonna freak you out. Jesus can’t say anything, he got a hooker, right? Everybody’s got a little something they did. Well, there you go, boom. Still buy your Coco Chanel. She’s still a hero. She was a victim, she was a victim of that time. She was frightened, she was scared. She didn’t know what to do. Uh… anyway. So, we’re living in a fucking weird time. Obviously, beyond all the bullshit that’s going on now, like, every time I think feminism has kind of like died off, you know, you know, like a band you can’t stand and they haven’t put out an album in a few years, you’re like, “Oh, good, did they quit, did they break up?” All of the sudden, they come out with more shit. You’re like, “Fuck, what is it now?” I’m just fucking with you. Feminism doesn’t bug me, you know? It doesn’t bother me. I’m not afraid of it or anything like that, you know, for the simple fact that I know it’s gonna fail, you know? And I take comfort in that, I do. I’m not rooting for it because… I know it doesn’t like me. Um… Yeah, do you know why I think it’s not going to survive, why it’s not going to be successful anyway? ‘Cause they still need men’s help to make it happen. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why women just can’t work with each other and make this shit happen. They keep coming to us, like, “More men need to care about this issue.” “Where are the men to stand up and say something… yak-yak-yak.” Why do I have to fuckin’ say something? This is your fuckin’ problem. Why are you always dragging us into this shit? I saw a woman a couple months back, professional soccer player, right? She goes onto ESPN on one of these sports channels and she starts bitching, going like, “I don’t understand, how come female athletes don’t make as much as male professional athletes?” Right? And all of these men had to sit there and act like they didn’t know what the answer was. They had to sit there, like, dumbfounded. Like, “Oh, I don’t know.” “Why is that?” “That is a conundrum. I have no idea.” Literally, I’m sitting at home screaming at the TV, “‘Cause you don’t sell any fuckin’ tickets!” Nobody is going to women’s soccer games. You’re playing in a 20,000-seat arena, 1,500 people show up. That’s not a good night. The promoter lost his fucking ass on that gig. I’m not saying no professional female athletes… Serena Williams, the women in the UFC, you know? But nobody’s watching your fuckin’ sport. And then you’re gonna come and you’re gonna get mad at fuckin’ men. They keep doing that shit. Why are you yelling at us? It’s not our fucking job. It’s not my fuckin’ job to give a fuck about women’s soccer, okay? I have men’s sport to pay attention to. This is… it’s your bullshit, right? Dude, look at the WNBA. Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID. Nobody. They have been playing in front of 300 to 400 people a night for a quarter of a century. Not to mention it’s a male-subsidized league. We gave ya a fuckin’ league. None of ya showed up. Where are all the feminists? That place should be packed with feminists. Faces painted, wearing jerseys, flashin’ their titties. Goin’ fuckin’ nuts, like the guys do in the upper deck with their big beer titties. “Am I on the jumbotron? Am I doing it?” Yeah. You didn’t. None of you, none of you went to the fuckin’ games. None of you. You all, you failed them, not me. Not men. Women failed the WNBA. Ladies, ladies, name your top five all-time WNBA players of all time. Come on. Let’s hear it. Name five WNBA teams. Name the WNBA team in your fuckin’ city. You can’t do it! You don’t give a fuck about them. They play night in and night out in front of nobody. It’s a fuckin’ tragedy, right? And then meanwhile, you look at the Kardashians, they’re making billions. You look at those Real Housewives shows, they’re making money hand over fist ’cause that’s what women are watchin’. The money listens. You don’t wanna watch this shit, you’re watching this shit. They just shoot it over there, drowning these whores in money and purses and shoes and Botox. It’s just raining. It’s raining money. Yeah. So, the money listens. You’d rather watch that shit, Real Housewives, a bunch of women just tearing each other down. “Well, maybe that’s why your husband left you.” “Maybe that’s why your husband left. That’s why you can’t have kids, bitch!” “That’s why your ass is as flat as your titties, bitch.” Right? That’s the message you sent. “We would rather watch that than see a bunch of women come together as a team and try to achieve a common goal.” “We would rather watch them actually fucking destroy each other.” Yeah. No, no, no. And then in the end, you come back and you fuckin’ yell at guys. And it’s like, let me get this straight, I have to buy you a drink, stop the axe murderer from coming through the fuckin’ window, and I have to watch WNBA games for you? Like, when are you gonna pick up your end of the couch? Yeah. I don’t have any sympathy for women when it comes to shit like that because every study they’ve ever done to determine who’s smarter, men or women, every study comes back and says women are smarter. Every fuckin’ one. Ladies, you shouldn’t be applauding that. You know I’m an asshole. You know this isn’t gonna end well. “Did he say I’m pretty?” “Oh, my God.” Get out of the relationship. If every study says that you’re smarter, okay, the question you should be asking yourself, if we’re so goddamn smart, how are we in the situation we’re in? Well? You’re in the situation you’re in not because of guys like me. As much as you want to blame me, you know? Ladies, you never drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday and looked at the humanity in there? All those dumb guys with their big beer bellies bumpin’ shit. “Hey, he’s on my fantasy team!” “Up top, yeah!” “You wanna get some more mozzarella sticks?” As a woman with your bigger brain, you never looked in there and thought to yourself, “I’m fuckin’ losin’ to that?” “I’m losin’ to that?” Yeah, there’s nothing stopping you. Other than the fact that you guys are just into destroying each other. Oh, now it’s gonna get quiet? I see all that sneaky shit you do. Ladies, if you could just support the WNBA the way you support a fat chick that’s proud of her body and is no longer a threat to you, you know? That league would be doing better numbers than the NBA. Oh, my God, that’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. “Oh, my God, you’re a goddess, you’re gorgeous.” “You look great in that bikini.” “I would kill myself if I looked like that.” “Keep eating, keep eating.” “Lose a toe, you fat bitch.” It’s just… You saw an alcoholic, would you be like, “Oh, my God, look at you.” “You’re facedown, passed out, your kids are crying.” “You’re a hero, you’re a god.” “Keep doing what you’re doing.” You’d be like, “Dude, get your fuckin’ shit together.” “Get off the sauce.” I will say that’s one of the most genius things I’ve ever seen, how regular-looking women somehow mind-fucked advertising to get beautiful women off of billboards. Yeah. Just regular fuckin’ who-gives-a-shit-lookin’ women, right? I’m just being honest. Come on, we’re outside, we’re in the woods, we can be honest. Just regular who-gives-a-fuck… can’t-remember-her-name-looking women. Right? Lookin’ at these goddesses and they had to fuckin’ be… “How am I supposed to compete with that?” You can’t! How fucking arrogant are you? I don’t see Brad Pitt when he takes his shirt off in a movie and, “Oh, great, how am I supposed to compete with that?” I can’t. I am an ugly, bald, orange man. I need to write jokes. I gotta put a lampshade on my head. I know what my role is, okay? I should be on the ground gazing up at people better-looking than me. I don’t know, ladies, this is supposed to be like an inspirational talk. I don’t know if it’s coming through this way. I’m trying to say, if you really like… If you get through all the misdirected anger of my childhood… I’m trying to say, you’re smarter than we are and there’s more of you. I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be… I don’t know. Trying to be a better person during all of this shit, you know? I am. You know, I got this new thing, man. I try to help out homeless people. You know? Sometimes I help them out, sometimes I don’t. You know, it’s like the mood you’re in, how much they freak you out. You know? So, this is what I do. You got to do something because people at the top don’t seem to be doing anything. I try to bring all my old clothes down to the tent cities to give it to them. It’s a good thing to do, but I gotta tell you something, you gotta do it during the day. All right? You want to do it during the day when they’re tired from Thunderdome the night before, they’re coming down from whatever they’re on, realizing there’s a nail in their shoulder. You want to get them when they’re tired. You don’t go at night. No one’s gonna see you again, you’re gonna end up on a fuckin’ spit. I mean, you’re under an overpass, you never know what can happen, okay? I’m just warning you ’cause they don’t make homeless people the way they made them when I was a kid, you know? When I was a kid, a homeless guy was a bum, he was a vagrant, somebody down on his luck or whatever. You know, a wino. They didn’t have this Shutter Island shit going on that they had out there, like people talking to trees. [shouting gibberish] You’re right here having, like, eggs Benedict. He’s, like, looking through a porthole over your cabbage. Yeah. When I was a kid, you could only be crazy outside for about 15 minutes before a van would pull up and two guys in nurses’ outfits would just come walking out. “Hey, buddy, how’s it going?” “You’re making a lot of racket out here, aren’t ya?” “Why don’t you do me a favor, try this shirt on?” Be like, “Okay. How come the sleeves are so long?” “Oh, because we’re gonna tie your arms behind your back ’cause you’re out of your fucking mind, that’s it.” “Not gonna have you out here scaring the shit out of people.” “Get in the fuckin’ van!” And he got in the van and that was it. They send you to a nuthouse. That’s it, boom, bam, done, nuthouse. But the problem was the people at the nuthouses started fucking the patients ’cause everybody knows crazy people are great in bed, right? So they’re banging away, right? Hey, it happened. You’re groaning at history, all right? You can shake your heads all you want, but… Hey, hey! They fucked those people, all right? And they were banging away, doctors with their fuckin’ lab coats flappin’ in the wind, just banging away, until finally… for decades… finally somebody with a heart came walking in, “Hey, what the fuck is going on here?” And then they shut it down and then they just let all these people go. They all came running out like Mike Myers, jumping up on station wagons and shit. So that’s the thing, you go during the day. And I gotta tell you, when I pull up to one of these tent cities, I always feel good about myself. “This is good, man, helping out a fellow American.” “I would want them to do that for me.” “It’s fuckin’ ridiculous people have to live like that.” That’s what I think when I’m in the car, and then the second I get out and that smell hits me, I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing? Jesus Christ, these people are animals!” Right? I would equate it to the same feeling you probably get if you were on a safari and you’re in the Land Rover, and you look over and you see, like, a leopard. You’re like, “Look at that leopard over there.” Right? Then all of the sudden you go over a bump and fall out of the fuckin’ Range Rover. “Oh, fuck, that’s a leopard!” Yeah, so I pull up and I’m feeling like fuckin’ Uncle Sam. Then I get out of the car and I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing?” I start walking like this. There’s always some sort of movement going on, somebody fuckin’ limping across the street or something. And I’ve never been able to get close enough to talk, really, to anybody. You know, like they do on the news. You know, like, “Jeez, have you been sitting in here, you know, for a couple of months?” “What is it like to be inside of this tent?” I always wondered how many people they had to choke out before they could get that fuckin’ interview. You know, just comin’ in… blow darts. Numbin’ up everybody else. Building a perimeter. So, what I… What I do is I get about 30 yards away, and then I just start walking like this. And then I chicken out, I always chicken out. Thirty yards away, I just go, “Free shirts!” I run back to the car. And that’s when your brain starts playing tricks on you. Like I’m convinced somebody just came running out of the tent with a 2-by-4. Running after me. So I always do a lap around my car before I get in it, you know. ‘Cause homeless people have horrible lateral movement. You know, from all those years of sleeping on the sidewalk, their hips are just junk, you know, like an NFL running back. They slow down like a cruise ship, go right up and over the horizon. So in that time, you go around, you get in your car, you drive away. You drive away. Your closet’s a little more empty. You can go out, you can fill it back up again with shit you don’t fuckin’ need, you know, that’s what you do. [man] America! What’s that, sir? [man] America! America, yeah! America! Don’t think. Just do what you wanna do. Take your dick out, you know? I’ll tell ya, that’s what George Washington was talking about. You know? They really need to shut down the Internet. We are clearly too stupid to all be sharing ideas in this giant townie bar that we’ve created. You guys are all cheering, you’re all on the Internet just like me. I was on the Internet for six hours last night. Trying to figure out what kills a beaver, you know? Does a beaver have a natural predator? No. You wouldn’t know it from all the ignorant shit I’ve said so far, but I am a changed person, believe it or not. I am. I had an experience earlier this year. [man] Bullshit. This is all true. You don’t think so? Guy just yelled “bullshit.” Are you saying “bullshit,” sir, ’cause you don’t believe me or ’cause you don’t want me to leave? Is that what it is? The little angry circle that you’re in? Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ happy now. Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ soft on me. Don’t start huggin’ people and lovin’ yourself. And cryin’ when you see somethin’ cute. Hang onto it! Lash out at people. Reach for your pistol under the seat. Do it! [man] Yeah! No, I took mushrooms back in February for the first time ever. [audience cheering, whistling] This is the perfect state to tell this story. You guys should literally have… you should have mushrooms on your fuckin’ license plate. All right, so here’s the deal. I never fucked with anything like that. I was always a booze guy. Always a booze guy, you know. Yeah, you know. Relax, everybody. I always get nervous when I get white guys going like, “Yeah! All right, whoo!” “All right!” “Build the wall! Yeah!” I’m fuckin’ around, relax. It’s frightening to listen to, but that’s what being a guy is. You’re not allowed to have emotions. So all that shit comes out when you’re drinking. [growling] “Do something dumb so I don’t feel stupid!” So… yeah, I was always like a booze guy, so I never fucked with psychedelics or whatever, so it was one of these deals. I was out in the desert, man, and I was like, all right, I got somebody watching my kids. Everything’s fine, I’m in my fifties. I gotta do it now or I’m never gonna do it, right? So this person, who may or may not have been my opening act tonight, goes, “All right, man.” Uh… He’s a good man, he’s a good man. He says to me, he goes, “All right.” He goes, “Okay, just take like, you know…” You know, it’s always just like, “All right, so, like, how fucked up do you wanna get, all right?” And there’s always like a square and it’s like, “Okay, don’t eat the whole square.” “Just like, bite one corner, lick the other one, and then rub the other one.” “Let it absorb in your face or whatever.” So, I’m like, “All right.” He goes, “How far into it do you wanna go?” I go, “I just wanna trip a little bit, nothing crazy.” So he goes, “Fine,” so I ate just a little bit. I get a little nauseous or whatever. At first it feels like I ate some weed, but then all of the sudden I notice shit that’s not alive looks like it’s breathing, right? Like the refrigerator looked like it just did a lap around the house. It’s kind of… Nothin’ threatening, you know. It needed it, you know. TV started getting bigger. It’s looking like it’s gonna fall on me. All right, and I was doing fine. I was like, “I know that TV’s not getting bigger.” “And if it is, I don’t give a shit, go ahead.” “Spill that pixelation all over me, I don’t give a fuck.” “I know I’m trippin’, I’m having fun. I’m giggling.” I’m laughing and shit, I’m putting things together, and everything is fuckin’ great. And all of the sudden, about an hour in… all of a sudden this profound sense of loneliness and not feeling loved just washed over me. Yeah, and I was just like, “I fuckin’ knew it.” I fuckin’ knew it. This is why I didn’t do it. I knew I had too many demons. I knew I wasn’t going to see God and fuckin’ unicorns and slide down the rainbow and roll around in the grass. I fuckin’ knew Satan was coming up. There was gonna be a guy with a knife and shit. I was just like, “All right, go ahead. Drag me into the abyss.” “Let me see how fucked up I am,” and this feeling, it just enveloped me, and I don’t even know how to describe it, it wasn’t even a feeling. It just was, it just was. So I’m freakin’ the fuck out. I’m sitting there like, “What the fuck?” I can’t get out of it, dude. Like I could walk a hundred fuckin’ million miles, I can’t walk out of it, it just was. So everybody else is, like, trippin’, I didn’t want to fuckin’ ruin their trip, so I’m just like, “All right, dude, I’m just gonna go to the bedroom.” “Oh, look at the refrigerator. Refrigerator…” [laughing nervously] All right. “I’m just feelin’ a little nauseous.” Just playin’ it up, right? Goin’ in the fuckin’ bedroom, and I’m just layin’ down in the bedroom like, “Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?” And every time I thought I felt the bottom, it would just… just further into the bed, further into the bed, further into the bed. So about a half hour later, my wife comes in. She’s like, “Hey, how you doing?” Typical guy. “Great, I’m doin’ great.” “I’m doin’ great.” “It’s goin’ great.” So she’s laying next to me, “I’m feeling a little nauseous, this is a little bit much for me.” And she’s just laying down and I’m just feeling this feeling. Not feeling loved, profound sense of loneliness. So now I’m just looking at my wife, and my brain just starts going like, “Oh, fuck, did I marry the wrong person?” “Why am I lookin’ at…” I know it seems fucked up, but once you’re married long enough, even not on mushrooms, you have that thought every fuckin’ six weeks. You just do. Something happens where you just look at the side of their head and just do the math and just think, “Why did I ever talk to you?” “I could have just walked by. I didn’t even have to say hello.” “We had no relationship.” “We were nothing!” “What would happen if I just never talked to you?” Every six weeks, you think that’s a healthy relationship? That means you’ve still held on to a part of yourself that even though you love this person, you still, you know, you still want to run around like a mustang a little bit, right? So anyways, I’m like, that was freaking me out even more to think of my wife and be feeling that. So I was like, “Fuck, I need to pull the rip cord.” “I gotta get out of this fuckin’… it’s like a giant beanbag.” Couldn’t get out of it, right? So I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Think about your kids. Now, I love my kids. And I know they love me, there is no fuckin’ question. And I start thinking about my kids. And I still felt that feeling. And I was like, “All right, what the fuck is this?” ‘Cause I know that’s bullshit. And I just sort of laid there. And I relaxed. And I went, “Oh, fuck, I know what this is.” This is how I felt growing up. [chuckles] Yeah. This is what the ’70s and ’80s were like. Both your parents worked. You got a set of keys to the house when you were three. “Oh, yeah, son. Get the fuck out of my face, son.” It was fuckin’ nuts, yeah. I grew up in a very, like, angry time, you know? Like, you were afraid of your dad, your dad’s dad. I talked about this shit before, but I’m still working through it, so just bear with me. You just were fuckin’… Yeah, like I love seeing kids nowadays loving their dad. Like, “Dad, wanna go play, Dad? Let’s go ride bikes! Dad!” Yeah, when I was a kid, it was like, “Dad, fuck, Dad!” “Fuck!” “Run! Open a window.” “Mom, what did you see in that?” – Fucking lunatic, right? [man] Yeah! It was absolute fuckin’ lunacy. And not just my house. I love my parents, but it was just the time. Everybody was fuckin’ crazy, you were afraid, and people could put their hands on you and other people’s dads could hit you, and then you come home, “What the fuck did you do?” “I’ll fuckin’ hit you for it!” It was just nuts. Teachers would grab you, dig their nails into your fuckin’ neck. She’d come home, “She wouldn’t have done that unless something happened.” Right? It was all of that shit. Me and my siblings, we all beat the shit out of each other. You know. And then we all teased the dog, and the dog bit all of us. And we never got rid of the dog. One time the dog bit me in the face. I was fuckin’ with it, it was eating, I was like… And he latched onto my face like… Like that. My dad had to stitch me up and everything. We still didn’t get rid of the dog, you know? “Aw, he’s a good dog, he had a moment.” “Jesus Christ, you shouldn’t have put your goddamn face down there near the fuckin’ dog.” Yeah. So that’s all it was. It was weird, we were like The Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies. Like, on paper, it was great. It was a station wagon full of fuckin’, you know… Norman Rockwell, we went to church, we got Dunkin’ Donuts. Yeah, that was about the fuck… so… I don’t know, so anyway, we all ended up… My dad was one of those people, he said whatever the fuck was on his mind. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, like that haircut women get when they get to a certain age? They got a couple of kids, they just get it cut a little shorter ’cause they don’t wanna deal with it. They put that little Hillary Clinton flip in it or something. Right? They get it all shaved up the fuckin’ back. First time you bend ’em over, you feel like you’re fuckin’ your friend Eric. Right? You know? But you love your wife, so you lie and you tell them, “Oh, looks good.” “Looks great, I always wanted to fuck Geraldine Ferraro.” “My God, it’s amazing.” My dad didn’t care. We picked my mother up, she got in the car, he just goes, “Aw, Christ, it looks like shit!” “Jesus Christ, what the fuck did they do to you?” “Aw, for Christ’s sake, you look like a fuckin’ man.” My mom’s just sittin’ there like… We’re in the back seat like, “This is what a functional relationship looks like.” Whoo! Yeah. So, because of all that, we all ended up getting, like, physical ailments from being in the fight-or-flight mode our whole lives. Everything, gym teachers were scary, collecting on your paper… Everybody was scary fuckin’ everything. One time my dad told a priest he didn’t deserve to wear the collar. I don’t know how it happened. We were discussing the altar boys’ schedule… and, I don’t know, he wanted to put me on a different mass, and my dad started getting his leg going. “You don’t deserve to wear the fucking collar!” The guy’s jaw was on the ground, and then the best part, next week we go to mass. They haven’t spoken in a week, and my dad comes walkin’ like, “Hey, how you doin’, what’s going on?” Like nothing happened. Yeah, so anyway, we all end up getting these physical ailments. Like one of my siblings has stomach problems, another one has this pain that won’t go away in his back. I remember I had, like, alopecia in, like, the third grade. Third grade, I literally had clumps of hair falling out like I was working on Wall Street, you know. And I was just sitting there like, “Did I pick up all the toys?” “Did I do the dishes?” “He’s gonna find something, he always finds something.” “Fuck, what do I do? I gotta kill him.” “I should kill him, that’s what I should do.” “When he’s sleeping, I’ll take an extension cord.” “I’ll wrap it around, put my fuckin’ foot on his back.” “Billy seems to lack the focus in class that he needs.” “He’s not working up to his ability.” Right? Yeah, so, anyway, I took these fuckin’ mushrooms. All right? And I realized that I have been carrying that shit around and being like, all right, well, that’s why I drank the way I did. That’s why I’ve trashed women the way I… All the fuckin’ shit. I knew every fuckin’ thing I did, good and bad, in that moment. I was like, all right, now I got to get sober and I got to fuckin’ work my way through this shit, because, you know, my wife… I don’t know if you guys noticed, I have a bit of a temper. [chuckles] “No, not you, Bill.” Yeah. So here’s the thing, you know, I’m so fucked up and grew up in such a fucked-up time that I didn’t even think I had a temper ’cause I was like, “I don’t fuckin’ yell at people in my house.” I curse my wife out, I mean we get into it. I get into it with her, but I don’t go like, “Jesus Christ, you fuckin’ bitch,” I don’t do that stuff. I don’t yell at my kids, but what I do is… what I still do is I flip out. So, like I said, I didn’t think that this was a problem. My wife told me it was a problem, but I don’t listen to her, you know. Why would I listen to her? All she does is criticize, you know? I got nothing but bad reviews on the fuckin’ Husband Yelp. It’s just all, “You know, didn’t enjoy the experience.” “Thumbs down, half a star,” never get a fuckin’ “attaboy,” right? So it just becomes white noise after a while. “What, am I doing something wrong again? Oh, yeah, you again, okay, great.” “Great, what did I do this time, huh?” “What do I have to work on?” “Go ahead, fuckin’ let me know,” right? So, I don’t listen to my lovely wife. Like an idiot… Like the idiot that I am, so… One day I learned a harsh lesson, okay? It was a breakfast time. For some reason I had, like, 20 minutes to myself, which is really rare when you got two kids four and under, right? So I’m thinking like, “Holy shit, I can actually make myself a breakfast, like the old days.” “I’ll make two eggs over easy, I’ll make some toast, I’ll make some bacon, fuckin’ burn it up the way I like it.” “It’s gonna be the shit, right?” So I’m having a great time, making myself a Grand Slam breakfast. I sit down to eat, I got the OJ, I got the glass of water. It looks like a picture from a commercial. And right as I sit down to eat, my phone lights up and I get a text message from my buddy. He goes, “Hey, man, I thought you were coming on this Zoom meeting.” “It started five minutes ago, we need you on this.” And I just absolutely lost it. I was like, Jesus Christ, of course I have a meeting. Of course I have my meeting, because why couldn’t I just have one goddamn cocksucking motherfucking moment to myself?! Fuckin’ toast flying all over the place. Flippin’ the fuck up. And then all of the sudden, my daughter, who was like two and a half at the time, comes running into the kitchen with big tears in her eyes, just going, “I sorry, I sorry, Dada. Dada, I sorry.” And I was like, “Oh, shit!” So I literally just squatted down, I was like, “No, buddy, come here.” “I wasn’t yelling at you. Daddy would never yell at you.” “I love you, buddy. Daddy was yelling at the phone, okay?” “Dad yells at the phone when it says stuff that he doesn’t like, okay?” “Your dad has issues. I’m sorry, buddy. I would never yell at you.” And I could literally feel her tears drying in my shirt. I was like, “Buddy, I would never do that, okay?” “I love you. You still love me?” She said, “Yeah.” I go, “Okay, all right, buddy.” And then you know when you do that thing with a kid where you turn them around and push them in the direction you want them to go in? And I just had to sit there like, I just did that to a two-and-a-half-year-old, and she was like walking away, and I’m just sitting there thinking like, “How bad was that?” “Is she just gonna go play with a toy and forget about it, or is she no longer gonna be an astronaut?” Like, what did I just do? I thought I was better than my dad, I’m making the same mistakes that he’s making. I fuckin’ hate myself. I didn’t do the meeting, I didn’t eat the breakfast. I just went upstairs, just wanted to be alone, right? Just want to be fuckin’ alone, but I got a wife, so it doesn’t work that way. You know? Especially when you fuck up as bad as I did and as loudly as I did. I knew she was comin’ down the hall. I knew I was going to have to watch some game film. She was bringing the projector, the screen was gonna come down, and I’m literally just laying in there, like, “Please, God, just let her give me two minutes to fuckin’ calm down.” Nope, she just comes right in and she’s just like, “So… you wanna discuss that little incident that happened downstairs in the kitchen?” And I’m like, “No, honey, can you just give me a second?” “My heart is still on the floor. Give me a second. I know I fucked up.” She doesn’t give a shit at that point, and she’s right, it’s her kid too, so she just launched in, “If you think you can do this in this fuckin’ house…” All this shit, and… I mean, she was 100% right, but I wasn’t ready to hear the information. So she just sort of zoned out. “They’re my kids too and…” And I’m just sittin’ there… laying in the bed with the nerve to be upset with her. She didn’t do anything, and I’m just staring at her mouth as it’s moving, not hearing anything. I just started thinking of the news, a news story popped into my head. You know that news story, you’ll see it every year, year and a half. You’ll see some guy, never committed a crime in his life, you know, went to church every week. Helped old ladies across the street. And then out of nowhere, he just kills his wife. It’s gotta be from times like this. It just has to be. He just had something to say. Like, I don’t know, I just fucked up, but… I knew she was right, so I sat there, I fuckin’ took it, you know? I will say, as an aside, the next time you see a guy who never even cheated on his taxes, and then out of nowhere he kills his wife, I think it’s high time to bring back the question, “What did she say?” Okay? I’m just sayin’, all right? Examine the problem from 360 degrees. So anyway, so, I love my dad and everything, you know, but there’s things I want to improve on, so the great thing I have done is my kids are not afraid of me. And every time I have fucked up, I’ve gotten down on my kids’ level and let them know that I was wrong and I apologize. So, the great thing is my kids are not afraid of me. So now, my daughter’s a little bit older, she’s like four and a half now, so now whenever I start flipping out, she actually has been helping me to stop. ‘Cause the second I hear that cute voice, I can’t… I just think, “Dada, I sorry,” I just immediately… It’s hilarious, I’ll be in the kitchen. I’m always in the kitchen doing something, right? And one day I just come in like, “What the fuck kind of toaster is this?” “What was wrong with the other toaster?” “I need to download the app to make fucking cocksucking…” And all of the sudden, she’ll just be like, in the other room, be like, “Dad, don’t scream like that!” The second I hear that voice, I’m like, “You’re right, buddy, sorry.” “Sorry, I’m just gonna download the app here.” “Download the app in the amount of time it would take to make some fuckin’ toast!” Um… “Ooh, Dad, you said a bad word. You said a bad word.” She does all of that shit, right? To the point, one night… We have movie night once a week. It’s my favorite thing, we’ll watch some Pixar thing, you know. One of those great movies, you know. They’re great. They’re for kids and adults. It’s fuckin’ awesome. We sit down, make the popcorn and everything. So we have this smart TV in the living room. Oh, people, this is a smart TV. Oh, is it smart. Oh, is this fuckin’ TV. It’s so goddamn smart that one time I was in there, I had all the lights up because we were gonna watch a movie, but the TV’s so smart, as I’m pressing “on”… which you don’t even do. Don’t hit the “on” button. You hit the “on” button, that fucks it up, you gotta press two other buttons. “Oh, is that what I gotta do? Is that what I have to fuckin’ do?” “Don’t scream like that.” “You’re right, buddy.” This fuckin’ thing, if the lights are out, will not turn on, ’cause it’s thinking, “Well, the lights are out, obviously nobody is in the room.” Well, maybe somebody’s asleep on the couch and they rolled over onto the remote. Meanwhile I’m standing in the dark, “You’re gonna turn on ’cause I fuckin’ bought you and I fuckin’ said so,” right? So my kid comes running. She’s like, “Dada, don’t scream like that.” I’m like, “You’re right, buddy. I’m sorry.” She’s like, “Dada, why do you scream like that?” “‘Cause I paid all this money for this TV.” “I wanna sit down and watch the movie with you, and every time I go to turn it on, it won’t turn on.” “It’s always something.” So she put her little hand on my shoulder, she goes, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Right? I don’t even think she knows what that means. I just think she knows when to say it, because my wife always says that. “Honey, it’s gonna be okay, just relax. We’ll get you another balloon.” “We can get you another one.” So that’s what she did. She was just going, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay.” Right? She had that little cute hand on my shoulder. And I don’t know, it just hit me, I was just thinking like, yeah. You’re right, it is going to be okay, right? “I mean, I could turn the lights on.” “I can relax. I don’t even need to watch it.” “As long as I’m hanging out with you, this is great.” It was like a profound moment for me for like half a second. Then another moment, then I felt like a loser ’cause I’m like, how fucked up am I that a four-and-a-half-year-old is, like, my life coach, like, dropping these truth bombs on me? So… anyway. So I’m going to try to stay sober until I figure out… Yeah, dude, it fuckin’ sucks, though, I’m not gonna lie to you. Just every day, takin’ life in the face. Praying for sleep. Oh, God, make it end. Fuckin’ hate these happy sober people. “It’s amazing, I feel so alive. I have all this fuckin’ energy.” How long does that take, you know? I drink a milk shake once a week, that’s my big fucking thing. Have a root beer float, oh, it’s just sad. It’s just a sad thing, like watching an old athlete that can’t run anymore. “I used to day drink, man, it was great.” So… Anyway, um… By the way, I haven’t even mentioned how blown away I am that I’m playing in this place. This is absolutely great. [audience cheering] Yeah. It’s hilarious. You stay up here for like an hour with this wind, your fuckin’ lips get all chapped. It’s like you’re standing on the front of a boat. So, anyway, let’s end with a couple of silly ones here. We’ll be on our way, right? Let’s see what I did. All right, I’m doing good here. All right, so, here’s a good one for you. A couple of years ago, before all this stupid fuckin’ pandemic shit started, Mother Nature’s half-assed attempt to get rid of the amount of people she needs to get rid of, you know, just procrastinating, treating it like a term paper. Um… I was in New York, I had an acting gig. I was playing a fireman. All right, now, I’m not the best actor, right? Some of you saw it. I hope you paid for it, you cheap bastards. You all watched it for free, you bastards. So, anyways, I’m not the best actor, so I have to look the part, so I grew this giant fireman mustache, big stupid fireman mustache, which looked great when I was wearing the whole fireman getup, and they put the fake dirt on my face. I looked like I’d been fighting fires for 20 years, right? However, the second I took off the costume and they cleaned off my face and I put on my regular clothes, I immediately just looked like some sad old queen that never found love, right? And as luck would have it, I was in New York City in June, which I quickly found out was Gay Pride Month. The whole month. And let me tell you something, the gay guys show up strong. It is wall-to-wall, the fuckin’ island is almost tipping over, there’s so many of them. And I’m sitting there going, “Oh, my God.” Thirty days of this shit. I’m walking around with this orange Freddie Mercury fuckin’ dick broom on my face. I am gonna be getting harassed up and down the street. I was in actor shape, man, I was fuckin’ shredded. I gotta tell you something, man, when I tell you 30 days of June, not one gay guy even fuckin’ looked at me. Forget about even hit on me. I have never felt so old and undesirable in my life. Dude, I’m gonna tell you something, there’s one thing as a man when you get so old that women don’t look at you anymore. Like, you know you’re gonna hit that age, you know that day’s coming, but nobody tells you, at some point, you’re gonna get so old, not even a man wants to fuck you, right? Dude, that is a statement. When you get so old, some queen in his sixties is, “Keep it movin’, I can do better than that.” “Jesus Christ.” “Get some fuckin’ hair plugs or something. Get a spray tan.” “I can get someone in his forties. Come on, keep going.” Dude, I was having this fuckin’ panic attack. I was thinking like, “Oh, my God, I waited too long to get married.” “I had kids too late, I’m gonna die soon.” I was literally wrapping up my life, you know? So I’m walking down like Ninth Avenue, putting a little swish in my fuckin’ step, just tryin’ to get something. I was desperate. Fuck you, ladies, you’ve been there. You know how it is. You wanna think you got one more in ya, you know? So I’m tra-la-la-ing down the street. I really wish that wasn’t the truth. So I’m going down Ninth Avenue, and all of the sudden I looked up, and about two blocks away, I see this lesbian coming up the block. Okay? Now, I know this is Boulder, Colorado, right? So you guys are all like, “Fuckin’, hey, man, you know?” Like, “How did you, like, know she was a lesbian, man?” “Like, that’s not cool.” “You just looked at her and you just knew she was a lesbian?” “You don’t know her, how did you just…” “How do you just know somebody’s a lesbian?” Easy. The same way you do. The same way other lesbians do. It’s not calculus. No, but I understand in 2021, you’re not allowed to say you know “what a lesbian looks like,” right? Judging by your silence, yes, right? Yeah, you’re not allowed, right? What’s funny, if some white kid came in here, like 20 years old, hair slicked back, collar popped, loafers, no socks, you’d be looking at him thinking, “All right, frat boy, date rapist.” “His dad’s a judge. He’s not going to jail.” “Yeah. Just killed five people in a drinking-and-driving accident.” “Already has a new Dodge Challenger on the way.” Right? Yeah, you’re allowed to see that, that you can see. Clear as day. Lesbian. I have no idea. No, but that’s how progressive you guys are. Right? You don’t have any idea. Right? Like, let’s play a game. I’ll just name different people you see and see the slides that come into your head, right? Construction worker. Sports fan. Painter. Skateboarder. Lesbian. Right? It all goes blank. Is that a lesbian? Am I a…? I mean, I have gay friends, but I’ve never noticed any sort of a throughline. Listen, people, I’m not saying all lesbians look alike. I would never say some ignorant shit like that. However, I am saying, though, every once in a while, there’s a fucking layup. Right? Flattop, wallet chain, fuckin’ walking up the street. Right? But even then, I’m not saying 100%. But gun to my head, I gotta go lesbian. Gotta go lesbian. Final answer, final answer, show me “lesbian.” Right? So, anyway… She’s fuckin’ walkin’ up the street. I’m comin’ down, right? And it’s clear to me that if we keep walking the way we’re walking, we’re gonna bump into each other. I don’t wanna bump into a woman, I don’t want to bump into anybody in New York, so I do the gentlemanly thing. I clock what’s going on, so I just gradually shift over into my lane. Now everything’s fine, right? But then the weirdest thing happened. We walk like another 30 yards, and all of the sudden, she drifts back into my lane again. And I’m sitting there walking like, “Wow, that was kind of crazy.” “Thought I solved this problem.” All right, so I fuckin’ dip into another lane again. Okay, I’m walking, we go another 30 yards, she comes back into my lane again. So now I’m up against the curb. So now I’m thinking, how do I do the politically correct math here? What am I supposed to be doing here? Am I supposed to step off into the bike lane and have some young kid on his electric bicycle come by, forty miles an hour, run me over, I go down to the pavement, knees and elbows? And for the rest of my life, every time it rains, I gotta think about this lesbian that walked me off the fuckin’ block? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Am I supposed to give up the whole sidewalk? Like, “Oh, your gayness!” Right? Or do I stiffen up my shoulder and protect my lane? Right? Now, I’m not proud of this, but I chose the latter, all right? I was like, “Look, I’m 53.” “I moved twice. I have an AARP card. I’m the fuckin’ victim here.” So… I stiffen up the shoulder and immediately I’m thinking this is gonna get crazy. I’ve never done this with a female before. This is in public, people are gonna see this shit, what’s gonna happen? But I’m not going to lie, she started closing in, she was moving, so I like leaned in, like I really got my legs underneath me, ’cause she was built like a janitor and I was not gonna get spun around. I wasn’t gettin’ spun around. Not having that on the fuckin’ logbook, right? So I lean into this shit, and at the last second, she turned her shoulder and we just missed shoulders, but our forearms still slapped together with significant enough force that it warranted a turnaround. Okay? Now, I know most of you guys drive, so I will break down pedestrian etiquette really quickly in New York City. This is the deal, if you’re walking down the street in New York, you’re walking and you just sort of brush sleeves with somebody, you don’t have to stop. Just look over your shoulder, “Sorry, man, my bad, have a nice day.” Right? Then there’s the next level. Moves up a little bit. You’re walking down the street, you actually bump into somebody, you actually have to turn around, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.” A little dojo bow, “My bad.” Whatever you have to do… “My sensei”… to keep it from escalating. And then there’s the last one. You’re just walking down the street and you hit so fuckin’ hard, you gotta turn around and go like old-school Dustin Hoffman-De Niro, like, “Hey, I’m fuckin’ walkin’ here! Huh?” “I fuckin’ moved twice, you didn’t see that?” “You drifted two times, huh?” So I turn around to have this confrontation, and let me tell you something, she never looked back. And I’m not gonna lie to you, that bugged me. That bugged me for like three days. Three days, I’m just walking around New York, “Goddamn fuckin’ bullshit, there’s no fuckin’ way you didn’t do that on purpose!” “Who does that, who drifts?” You know? And I’m feeling this anger, it’s just burning me up, and I know eventually it’s gonna settle in my chest, and then one more time it’s gonna be, “I sorry, Dada, I sorry.” It’s like I can’t do this to my daughter, I can’t do this to my kids. So I started reading up on anger. Like, “how to let go of this,” I think is what I Googled. And I found empathy. If you have empathy for somebody, you put yourself in their shoes, you can just, you know, figure out where they’re coming from, where you’re coming from, meet in the middle, so I said, here we go, let me put myself in her shoes. What would cause somebody to accidentally drift into your lane twice? You know, so I just started throwing shit on the wall. Did she have a clubfoot? No. Did she just have a stroke? Did she have Bell’s palsy of her left side? You know? Was she a mummy? Did she have a wooden leg? You know? Is she one of those fuckin’ diagonal walkers? You get behind them at the airport, they’re walkin’ too slow, you go around to the right, they start dragging their suitcase over there. You go over to the left, they’re coming back this way, you know? It’s like they just got off a ship. And everything was just like, no, no, no, cut! Right? And I was still mad. I was still fuckin’ mad. So I said, “Who gives a shit? I don’t give a fuck.” Lied to myself, said I didn’t give a fuck, you know? So then I ended up going home. Then I’m washing the dishes, which is a very Zen-like thing to do. It’s a week later, you wash dishes, you’re not thinking of anything. Your brain is empty, I’m washing the dishes, and then all of the sudden, the answer just came to me. It just floated into my head, and I just looked up. I was like, “Oh, my God. I know why she did it.” I know why she bumped into me. She bumped into me because she’s a lesbian. It was right there. I was, like, looking nine miles down the street, looking under shrubs. It was right in front of my face. She did it because she’s a lesbian. All right, so judging by most of your silence, I will do this math for you, come on. Let’s have a little empathy here. Put yourself in a lesbian’s shoes, all right? Who do lesbians date? Women. Who do they move in with? Women. Who do they get in relationships with? Women. Who do they eventually marry? Women. And I was thinking like, “Oh, my God. I did that.” I know what the fuck that’s like. I know what it’s like to live with one of those fuckin’ things. I know exactly what that… it’s hopeless. Trying to make them happy. “Hey, I bought you this shiny thing. Did I do it right, huh?” Trying to get them to take responsibility for their actions. Not gonna happen. The best you’re gonna get is, “I’m sorry, but…” I know what it’s like to be winning a fuckin’ argument, you’re winning, and then they turn it around, they’re crying, you’re apologizing. You’re thinking, what the fuck just happened? How am I losing this shit? I had you on the ropes. You feel so dumb, you got to go for a walk. And you’re just thinking, how did I lose again? How did I lose again? And then you figure it out, it makes you feel stupid, and then you see some bald idiot with a giant orange mustache, you’re like, “You know what, why don’t you take some of that shit?” “You take some of that fuckin’ anger.” Yeah. I feel so stupid that I got mad at that woman. I shouldn’t have got mad at her, I should have bought her a beer. And just listen to her troubles and had empathy and be like, “It’s not your fault. You married a woman, I did it too.” “You’re not gonna win. There’s no winning this.” Yeah. I’m telling you, if you don’t believe me, do a little people-watching. Take a look at the look on the average lesbian’s face. I don’t mean a lesbian in her twenties, she’s got her life ahead of her, she’s got Christmas in her eyes, right? I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36, starting to settle in to what the deal’s gonna be, right? And then look across the bar, find a married guy about the same age. Look at the look on his face. Look at the look on her face, go back to his face. It’s the same fuckin’ look. Yeah. And then look at gay guys. Some of the happiest people I’ve ever met in my life. They’re almost too happy. It’s like, “Hey, how’s it going?” They’re like, “Hi!” Almost floating across the room with that lack of estrogen just yanking down your fuckin’ dreams. No. Now, look, it might be a front. I’m not saying all gay guys are just blissfully happy, but it’s looking like a pretty good time to me. Dude, they’re some of the most positive people I’ve ever met in my life. Any idea you have, they support it. They’re just like, “Yes, yes, queen, yes!” “You’re fierce, you can do it!” Lesbians are up in the bar like a bunch of jaded cops. “It’s all fuckin’ bullshit.” “What the fuck was I thinking?” “U-Hauling after ten days, moving in. What the fuck was I thinking?” “She’s crazy!” No, I’m telling you, I think married men and lesbians need to start hanging out more, and we gotta put our heads together and try to solve our common problem, the women in our lives. So we can somehow attain the perceived happiness of the average gay dude out there. Yeah. So, if you believe in that shit, I’ll give you some advice. If you’re gonna expand your fuckin’ world of friends, I’ll give you some advice. You can’t just hang out with any lesbian. All right? You gotta make sure you’re hanging out with the dude in the relationship, right? And by “dude,” I’m not saying she’s manly, I’m not being ignorant. By “dude,” I just mean she’s the one that gets blamed for most of the shit. Right? ‘Cause no relationship is balanced. Somebody is getting away with more. Somebody’s drafting behind the other. It’s like a bike race. Somebody else is taking the fuckin’ weather in the face. [imitates fanfare] Right? Somebody else is fuckin’ right behind. “Oh, yeah, it really is wet.” Just kind of hiding under your fuckin’ poncho. Male-female, female-female, they-they, whatever the fuck it is you’re into. Every relationship, there’s the person that does the dishes and the person that lets them soak. Right? They don’t let them soak. They know you’re gonna do ’em. They’re just waitin’ you out. After a while, you can’t fuckin’ take it anymore. They’re just sitting there. You gotta go start doing them. Then what do they do? They sit in the other room and wait, like they don’t know what you’re doing, and wait till they hear pots and pans, and that’s when the show starts. That’s when they come running in like, “What?” “I was gonna do those!” And you’re like, “No, you weren’t. They’ve been sitting here eight hours.” “I got my hands in room-temperature water with scrambled eggs floating around.” “Don’t gaslight me, you’re a fuckin’ animal.” “You were raised by animals, get out of my sight.” “Don’t yell at me!” Right? Yes. Every relationship has the person that will take the trash bag out of the trash barrel and do a little… Tie it off and then leave it slumped against the counter. Like it took two behind the ear in a mob hit, just… And then there’s the person that actually picks it up and takes it out to the curb at night and puts it in the trash can, right? My wife’s hilarious, I love her, but she’s got some of the worst excuses ever. “Why don’t you ever take out the trash?” She goes, “I would, I’m just afraid of coyotes.” “I’m afraid of the coyotes.” It’s like, “So am I! So am I!” “They’re rabid dogs.” “They hunt in packs of twos and threes.” “You don’t do it ’cause you don’t wanna do it ’cause you know I’m gonna do it, just get the fuck away from me, please.” I’m telling you… So, anyway… I know I said a lot of divisive shit here tonight, so before I get out of here, before I get out of here, I want to… Let’s bring the room together. It’s a very divisive time. Everyone wants to feel safe. Let’s do a nice, normal, mainstream topic, so everybody can drive home happy, no fights, all right? Sound good? All right, great. Let’s talk abortion. There you go. Everybody has an opinion. “It’s my body, it’s my right.” “Well, then fuckin’ drive to Arkansas, bitch!” Right? Everybody has an opinion. As do I, and I apologize that you’re gonna have to listen to mine. Because… I’m gonna tell you right now. I have a really weird take on abortion. I’m gonna tell you that right from the get-go, okay? I’m 100% pro-choice, always have been. [women cheering] Ladies, I said it was weird. For the love of God. Stop getting in the trunk in the car. Wait till the end. You’re supposed to vet me first. Whoo! Fuckin’ feet out the sunroof. I said I had a weird take. Pro-choice always made sense to me ’cause I don’t like people telling me what to do, and I was just like, it’s your body. Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do with your body? So that always made sense. All right? However, I still think you’re killing a baby. See? That’s where it gets weird. Like, I sit on the fence and the whole thing makes sense to me. When anybody’s saying, like, “Don’t tell me what to do.” “It’s my body, my choice.” That’s right, man, she’s right. Leave her the hell alone. “Well, you’re killin’ a baby!” Well, I mean, there is that. You know? If we’re gonna be honest, that is the whole purpose of the procedure. You’re not going in there ’cause you got an earache. You’re going in there ’cause “I got a baby in me, get it the fuck out of there!” Right? You walk in with the baby, you come out without one. What happened to the baby, right? Something fuckin’ happened. So… Pro-choice people like, “Well, it’s not a life yet.” “It’s not a baby yet if…” I don’t know what they say. “Before you do it the first Thursday or the last Tuesday and you spin around one time.” They dance between the right trucks. “It’s not a baby yet,” that’s what they say, which may or may not be true. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but I’ll tell you, my gut tells me that doesn’t make sense. It’s not a baby yet. That would be like if I was making a cake and I poured some batter in a pan and I put it in the oven, and then five minutes later you came by and you grabbed the pan, you threw it across the floor. And I went, “What the fuck?! You just ruined my birthday cake.” And then you’re like, “Well, that wasn’t a cake yet.” It’s like, “Well, it would have been.” “If you didn’t do what you just did, there would have been a cake in 50 minutes.” “Something happened to that cake, you cake-murdering son of a bitch!” Right? Now, before all you pro-life people get excited, I think it’s great you’re killing your babies. It’s fantastic. Help Mother Nature out. There’s too many of us. It’s been 130 degrees out. Animals are going extinct. There’s plastic in the fuckin’ ocean. We don’t need any more fuckin’ people. And especially, if you’re honest with yourself, have you done anything great with your life? Is the person you’re banging doing anything great? The answer to both of those questions is no, what are the odds you’re gonna make a great person? I’m not saying you’re gonna make a bad person, you’re just gonna make another person that doesn’t go when the light turns green ’cause they’re staring at their fuckin’ phone. All right, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. This was amazing. [cheering, whistling] Thanks again. Thank you for coming out, everybody. I really appreciate it, good night. [emcee] Bill Burr! [audience cheering] [cheering fades]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Patton Oswalt: We All Scream (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-we-all-scream-transcript/

[“Hard to Kill” by Bleached plays] [audience cheering and applauding] Hello! Denver! [cheering and applause continues] [Patton laughs] Oh my God! Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank you. Oh my God! Yes! Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. Um… Hey, I broke my foot. Yeah. That’s how I started my year. I broke my foot. Uh… It was… It took two… It happened in two parts. Uh, the second part was I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong. That was the second part. The first and most important part was I turned 53. That is the crucial part. [audience laughs] I… You turn… Once you get past 50, everything’s fatal. I… When I was in my twenties, I would walk into propellers and put some Bactine on it. I was fine. And now if a pine cone falls near me, my spine implodes. I don’t know what… Like that. [audience laughs] Broke my foot, and then the day after… I’m gonna drop a name. All right. Uh, the day after I broke my foot, Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton… [audience cheers] …who is almost 50, but for this bit he’s over 50. I needed to… Come on, who cares about logic? He broke his collarbone. So I called him up, gave him a little solidarity, a little support. “Hey, man. I broke my foot.” “What happened?” In my mind, I’m thinking, “Well, he was probably reaching for a bag of SunChips wrong, and his collarbone broke or something.” And he said, “Yeah, I was snowboarding. I landed a flip wrong.” All right. Fuck off. Fuck off. [audience laughing] You don’t need to go to that much hassle. Once you get to a certain age, you don’t need… I don’t even think that’s what happened. I think he’s lying to me. I think… I think somebody slammed a door near him, and then his collarbone fell into his ass cheek. And then he told his wife, “Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me down a black diamond trail, please.” “Give me some dignity for God’s sake.” [audience laughing] I’m gonna drop another name. A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk broke his… [audience cheering] …broke his femur in two. Pow! Landed a vertical wrong. In his warehouse, doing his verticals, landed it wrong. Broke his femur. DMs me a picture of his X-ray. He’s like, “Looks like we’re in the same boat, buddy.” I’m like, “No, we’re fucking not.” You… [audience laughing] You just Jackie-Channed yourself into even more coolness. [audience laughs] He found a whole other level of cool. I slipped off a curb like someone’s aunt that saw a bird. That is how I went down. [audience laughs] I went down in the most embarrassing way possible. [audience chuckling] And the one weird thing that happened, ’cause when I did it I was still in my 23-year-old denial head of, “I just twisted my ankle. I’ll drive home.” I was at work. “I’ll drive home. I’ll be fine.” Driving home, it’s hurting worse. “Oh, this actually might be a real thing.” I get home. I can barely get out of the car now. And I’m limping across the street to my house. And it’s really hurting, and then a car pulls up, these two women are driving, and the driver rolls her window down and says, “You okay?” I’m like, “Oh, I twisted my ankle. I live right here.” “I’m going inside, put some ice on it.” And then, and this haunts me, she said, “Well, don’t give up.” [audience laughing] Which… Wait. What? Holy shit! What was the look on my face? [audience laughing] What did I… Did she… “He’s gonna kill himself. Pull over. Pull over.” “Hey, don’t give up.” “Let me play this Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush song. This’ll really…” “Let’s listen to this.” Maybe that was just my face left over from the shutdown and the pandemic. Is that how my face permanently is now? Because I didn’t do the shutdown well at all. I did a bad shutdown. I planned a great shutdown. I planned an amazing… Remember when the shutdown happened? Supposed to stay home, and you had that little memory of all the times you said, “If I could just get a month off, I could get my shit together.” [audience laughs] “I could get my life… I just need a month off.” I planned a great shutdown. I executed the worst one ever. Oh my God, the list I made. The list we all made. We all made the same list? Yes, you did. All the great books you were gonna read. All the great books. All the skills you were gonna learn. Oh my God, we couldn’t wait to work on ourselves. If I had actually followed the list that I made, there’d be a different man standing in front of you right now. He’d be 30 pounds lighter. He’d be speaking fluent Italian. [audience laughs] When all of you walked in, there would have been a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart on everyone’s chair, on each chair. I would have hand-milled the flour this morning. [audience laughing] You would have eaten it off of an origami plate. [audience laughs] When you’re done eating, you throw the plate down, it pops up into a frog. Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had! [audience laughing] I didn’t do any of that shit. I ate Doritos for breakfast, and I watched Deadwood twice all the way through. Watched it. Finished it. Back to episode one. Hit play. [audience laughing] That’s all I fucking did. And then I went crazier than a barn full of clown pubes. That is what I did during the shutdown. And listen, when I… When I say, “Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes…” [audience laughing] …I’m not kink-shaming. I’m not judging. [audience laughs] Clowns have as much right to have a varied and experimental, adventurous sex life. I’m saying the source of the crazy isn’t the clown pubes. It’s the having the thought and then the follow-through of “I’m gonna fill this barn…” [audience laughing] “…with the p…” I just want that to be clear. That the source of the crazy is the barn. The barn full of pubes isn’t even the crazy. It was the act of filling the barn… Listen, if you… If you just filled a barn with pubes, you’ve checked off the crazy box. [audience laughing] But this person went, “I’m putting obstructions in my way.” “I will only collect the pub…” Also, how do you… There’s no way to know. Clown pubes don’t look different. Like, they’re not bright orange. They’re not rainbow-colored. Look. Some are, but a lot… There’s a lot of… Listen. There… There’s a lot of non-clown pubes that are bright orange and rainbow-colored. That’s not what I’m saying here. What I’m saying is there’s no way that… Okay, this is what I’m saying. Wait. Fuck. Okay. If you… Like, okay, if you’re walking around… [audience laughing] …and there’s a barn, and you open those two big doors, there’s a wall of pubes, and you go, “Well, there’s a maniac roaming the countryside.” If someone said, “Those are only clown pubes.” Like, “Oh! We gotta call the National Guard.” Wait a minute. What? ‘Cause there’s no way to prove that. [audience laughing] Oh, okay, wait. You could do this. Every time… Every time that you collect… Not… Not a… Not a clump. That’s gross. Not a clump of… No. [audience laughing] Clump is too gross. Thatch? No. [audience laughs] Thatch is too folksy. That’s… That’s the other… Like, if Cracker Barrel opened a BDSM store, they would call it the Thatch of Pubes. That’s what it would be called. You’d go down to the Th… It’d probably be connected to the Cracker Barrel. You’d go in, get a nice breakfast, then go, “Hang on. I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes.” [audience laughs] “Pay the bill. I’ll meet you at the front.” [audience laughing] Thatch of Pu… ♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪ [audience laughs] [laughing] We… ♪ We’ve got nipple clamps And scented lubes ♪ [audience laughs] We’ve got floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my! And a tower of butt plugs that kisses the sky. [audience laughs] Tell ’em Petunia the pube pig sent ya. [audience laughs] Oink. All right. Um… [audience laughs] Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That’s non-gender specific. Every time you collect a handful of clown pubes, you take a Polaroid. You have a Polaroid, so you’re kneeling down. You’re collecting the pubes. You got your baggy. Gotta do it full length. Get the whole clown in there. He or she’s gotta be in their wig, their makeup, holding that day’s newspaper… [audience laughing] …so you know. Then you take a hole-punch, punch a hole through the Polaroid, get a ribbon, put it through that hole, tie the other end of the ribbon to the… the… the handful of pubes, toss it in the barn… Every handful of pubes is accounted for. There you go. And that’s how you would pro… Fuck, no. No, you can’t. You know why? No, that doesn’t work, because then someone can go, “Technically, you didn’t fill the barn with pubes because the ribbon and the Polaroid took up…” No, it has to be complete confidence in the speaker and total trust in the listener. When you say I tho… This is what’s happening right now, okay? We’re starting this set out. Let’s go on a journey for the next hour. I started off pretty strong, I think. I think I’ve won your trust, but you know what? You shouldn’t 100%… No. Not yet though. [audience laughing] Because what you’ve got… Listen. What I’ve done, comedically, creatively, I have opened the barn doors. [audience laughing] And there’s a wall of pubes. [audience laughing] And yes, it’s impressive, but you’re right to go, “You know what?” “I bet that wall of pubes, I bet that’s a half an inch thick.” “And there’s a big sheet of plywood behind, and the rest of the barn is empty.” “I’ve been screwed over too many…” You’re right to think that. What I’m… This is what I’m doing. As a comedian, I’m inviting you… I’m saying I want you to run as hard as you can into this wall of pubes, and then, I want you to fight your way back, just fight your way to the back of the barn… [audience laughing] …until you’re cocooned in pubes. You know what I mean? At the back. And when your hand hits that back wall, you will think, “I met a man of honor.” That is what you will think. [audience laughing] That is what I want for us. Not me, not you, us. All of us. That’s what I want. Those are the kind of bits I wrote during the shutdown. I’d be awake for eight days in a row… [applause] Five in the morning, “The fucking Polaroid doesn’t even work!” Goddamn it! [audience cheering and applauding] I bought a trampoline. [audience laughs] Not a giant backyard… One of those little workout ones. Yeah. Little tiny trampoline. It’s called a rebounder. Awesome. You get up on it. You hop up and down, get the lymphatic system going, “Here you go. Ooh. Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out.” Great workout. Got it right at the beginning of the pandemic. “I’m gonna stay fit during this thing, man. I got my new rebounder.” It came out of the box, not a speck of dust on it. Oh, I was so excited. I could feel how excited the rebounder was. You could feel it. He was like, “I’m gonna make a difference in this house.” “I belong here. I’m gonna change things for the better.” I’m like, “That’s right, little rebounder. Wanna go inside the house?” “You wanna go in the gym?” He’s like, “Yeah.” We have a gym in our house. It’s a room with an elliptical in it. We call it a gym. [audience laughs] I take him inside. Oh, he’s so excited. I put him down. “I’ll see you tomorrow, little rebounder.” He goes, “Yeah.” We both looked over at the elliptical. [audience laughs] Against the wall. Clothes hanging off of it. [audience laughs] Covered in dust. And I could feel the rebounder’s heart break. I could feel his… You know what it felt like? It felt like the rookie cop fresh out of the academy. He’s like, “Give me the worst precinct in town. I’ll turn it around!” “I’ve got progressive policing techniques, community outreach.” “I’ll make a difference.” And he shows up that first day, big thermos of green tea, little keto lunch, he’s all excited. Looks over in the corner, “Who’s at his desk?” The old homicide cop. [audience laughs] Eight bullet holes in him. Eleven colostomy bags. [audience laughing] He’s having his seventh Viceroy of the morning. [audience laughing] [Patton exhales] That’s the elliptical. [audience laughing] Looks at the little rookie rebounder, “You’re gonna learn, kid.” [audience laughing] “You think I didn’t have dreams when I came here, huh?” “I was top of the line!” “You can stream movies on me, TV shows, mountain programs, everything!” “Oh! I was gonna turn this house of fatties around.” [audience laughing] “That guy that just dropped you off, he was on me day one.” “Cute little workout outfit.” “Little iPhone. He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it.” “Ooh, a thinker!” [audience laughing] “He gets up on me, stretch those little fat thighs, pumping them up and down.” [grunting] “Thought he was gonna go the distance.” “He didn’t make it past the first Blue Apron ad.” [inhales, exhales] [audience laughing] “Hopped off of me.” “Went and checked his texts in the crapper.” [audience laughs] “He never came back.” [audience laughs] “Oh, he’ll be here tomorrow.” “Oh, he’ll be in his little workout outfit.” “He’ll probably put a little playlist on his iPhone.” “Yeah.” “He’s a Gen X-er in his fifties.” “I bet it’ll be all early ’80s New Wave pop.” [audience laughs] “That’s how he’s gonna get thin. Nostalgia.” [audience laughs] “He’ll hop up on you, start jumping up and down like a gibbon full of Skittles.” [audience laughs] “What’ll be the first song he listens to? I can call it right now.” “It’ll be the Go-Go’s ‘Our Lips Are Sealed.'” “That’ll be the first song.” “And you’ll be all excited. ‘Oh, he’s gonna go the full hour'”! “He won’t make it past the bridge.” [audience laughs] “The minute Jane Wiedlin starts singing, “Hush my darling,” he’ll hop off of you, he’ll check his texts in the crapper.” “He’ll never come back.” [audience laughs] “Extinguish all joy within you, and nothing’ll ever hurt you again.” [audience laughs] I just pitched the saddest Pixar movie in the… If they do a movie with the Safdie brothers, that’s gotta be their movie. Harvey Keitel is the elliptical. [audience laughing] Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder. [audience laughing] And Frances McDormand is the half-inflated exercise ball. [audience laughs] Went fucking crazy during the shutdown. My rock-bottom, psychologically, during the shutdown happened on the same day as my wife and daughter’s. We all hit crazy rock-bottom at the same time. Um, it was a weekday. We’re all in the house, staying inside. Doing our part. Stop the spread. My daughter’s in the kitchen, and out of nowhere, she says, “Hey, there’s a weird guy in our backyard.” [audience laughing] What the fuck? I go running out, “What?” Looking out, “I don’t see anybody. You saw someone?” She goes, “Some weird guy just walked across our backyard and went around the back. He’s back there right now.” I’m like, “Oh shit!” We have cameras all over the property. I have an app on my phone. You click it and can look at what the camera sees. I’m waiting for it. I’m gonna go back and confront him. I just wanna know what I’m about to deal with. I don’t know what’s back there. What if it’s a lost hippie wanting someone to hacky-sack with him? “I’ll hacky-sack with you.” [audience laughing] Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket of chicken on his dick, holding a sword. I don’t know what’s back… I just wanna be ready. [audience laughing] But the cameras aren’t loading, and I’m waiting for it. Goddamn it. And then my wife pushes past us, doesn’t say anything and goes striding across the back lawn. She’s got a white summer dress on flowing in the wind, barefoot. And she’s holding a pink, aluminum baseball bat. [audience laughing] And she has serious Manson girl energy coming off of her, like… [audience laughs] “Look at that hot, hippie chick that I wanna fuck and get murdered by.” “Yay.” [laughing] So, she… It takes me a second to realize what she’s doing, then I go clomping after her, in my flip-flops and cargo pants, but she’s already around the corner and she’s already laying into this guy. Before I can turn the corner, I hear her screaming at him, “Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of my yard!” “I will fuck you up.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] So… I… I turned the corner. She’s in a stance. [audience laughs] Like Uma in Kill Bill, she’s ready to go. [audience laughs] The guy she’s yelling at, little scruffy looking, didn’t look crazy, didn’t look homeless, holding a cell phone, just looked a little off, and she’s screaming and yelling at him, “What the fuck are you doing here?” Now I’m gonna stop the story and tell you what was actually happening. There was something wrong with our air conditioner. I… [audience laughing] I called our contractor and said, “Can you send someone to the house to fix the AC?” Without telling us, he gave this guy our address and gate code and sent him to the house. So yes, massive misunderstanding. My wife is now screaming at him, and she’s just fucking… Just blazing Valkyrie, shrieking at the top of her lungs at this guy, “Who the fuck are you?” Now, to his discredit… [audience laughing] …when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie holding a vagina-colored piece of metal… [audience laughing] …threatening to kill you, answer in short, declarative sentences. [audience laughing] [applause] This guy… This guy was going, “Who’s anybody really, man? Like…” “Every day was… Oh, the wheel in the sky…” Oh, goddamn it. Now she’s got both hands on the bat. She’s gonna swing on the guy. And then he looks at me. And when he looks at me, that’s when he gets scared. [audience laughs] He started saying, “My name is Michael. Your guy Steve sent me here to figure…” And my wife’s like, “Oh my God, he didn’t tell us. I’m so sorry.” “Oh my God, I’m gonna call him right now.” “I’m… This was… This really got off on the wrong foot.” “How about you leave…” The guy was more than happy to leave. [audience laughs] I’m sure he was driving home going, “That poor bastard. Oh my God.” “I’m sure the sex is amazing but…” Um… [audience laughing] A lot of you hear the story and go, “That’s not very manly of you.” “You let your wife… God knows what could’ve happened!” I argue the opposite. [audience laughs] I say that our timing and placement made us a more effective home invasion deterrent. [audience laughs] ‘Cause remember he never got scared when she was screaming at him? He just kept going, “I…” You know why? He couldn’t process what he was seeing. [audience laughs] Gorgeous Valkyrie, vagina-colored metal, screaming. Too much. Too fucking much. Couldn’t process it. And also, again, the energy she’s giving off is outer-space sex vixen about to murder you. [audience laughing] Can’t process it. You know what he could process? Me. Standing five feet behind her, ’cause the energy I was giving off was, “I can’t do nothing when she gets like this.” “I… I tried to get her to go to the nervous hospital, see?” “She said she’d burn the house down.” “She’s killed so many Amazon delivery drivers.” “I can’t dig no more holes in the desert. Please just run!” [audience laughing] I’m doing some poses that we can freeze for the Netflix save screen. A little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] [Patton chuckles] [audience laughing] There’s gotta be… What if I did… What if I use… Here’s what I’m gonna do. Watch. Like this. [audience laughing and cheering] Now, look. That’s… That’s not a bit in the special, but if you’re watching Netflix, and that “coming up next,” you’re like, “Let’s watch a minute of that.” Like, “What the fuck is this?” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] I’m vaxxed and boosted. Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn’t… [cheering and applause] Thank you. But… That… Look. Thank you. It’s also sad that gets applause at this point, isn’t it? You get applause for taking the most basic care of your health? That’s like me going, “Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank…” No. No, no. [cheering and applause] People. No. I’m no… I’m no hero now. It’s the lumberjacks who cut down the trees that make the toilet… Those are the heroes. [audience laughing] [man] Yeah! [chuckles] I assume there’s a lumberjack here. All right, um… [audience laughs] [Patton chuckles] Or a really enthusiastic wiper. Um… [audience laughing] I got my vax right when the vax came out. Immediately. I didn’t jump the line. I didn’t use my privilege, but… I acted on some inside information, and I feel bad about this. This is how I did it. Uh… Right when the vaccine came out, I have a friend, lives out in Riverside. And he calls me and says, “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but, uh, out where I’m living, it’s MAGA country.” “No one is getting the vaccine.” “There’s a Rite Aid near me, a woman sitting at a table.” “Everyone that walks in she asks if they want it. No one will get it.” “They’re throwing crates of this shit out the back.” “If you drive out here, you will get a shot.” “Don’t even make an appointment.” So I drove out there. I walk in. There’s a woman at a table. I go, “Hi, excuse me. I’d like to get a vaccine.” She was like, “You would?” Like, she had no… [audience laughing] She had run out of Tolkien novels to read. Like, “Yeah. Let me get you set up.” Like, “Go stand over there.” While I’m waiting, my friend was right, everyone that walked in, “Would you like a vaccine?” “No, thank you.” And one guy gave her a, uh… “[scoffs] Yeah, no thanks.” [audience laughs] Like, “Yeah, nice try, Deep State. I think I’m gonna, uh…” “I think I’m gonna stay tracker-free for the time being if that’s all right.” “Hang on. Yeah. I’m at the Rite Aid again. Yeah.” “They tried to get a fucking track… Hang on. I’m losing you.” “There you are. Yeah, no. I’m off the grid, man. That’s…” “Right. I’ll call you later.” Got my shot. Got my second shot, then boosted twice. I’m fucking fine. In 1955, the polio vaccine came out. 1955. We were two years away from satellites. There were no satellites! And America could not have been more backward, racist, homophobic, sexist, and these non-satellite-having, racist dipshits lined the fuck up to get their fucking vaccine! [cheering and applause] What the fuck! [cheering and applause continues] “Give me that shot. I can’t police these water fountains from a wheelchair.” [audience laughing] “I can’t beat up queers inside an iron lung! Give me my science!” “What am I, a caveman?” [audience laughing] Now it’s the year 2022, which, first off, doesn’t sound like a real year, does it? [audience laughs] Doesn’t that sound made up? Like you’re watching a cheap science-fiction film, “In the year 2022…” “Oh, you’re just throwing numbers together. Jesus!” “Who wrote this shit?” [audience laughs] It’s 2022. We have robots on Mars. They send us TikTok videos. [audience laughing] Half of the country’s like, “That needle’s got witch poison in it, I tells ya.” “You ain’t putting no witch poison in me.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] “Keep your wizard jab away from me.” “I got to watch the video that the Mars robot sent to the world brain I keep it in my pocket.” [audience laughing] “But keep all that science away from me.” If that attitude had existed in 1955, the government would have had to do one of those PSAs, like a little cartoon dancing, hypodermic needle coming out, you know. [audience laughing] “Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?” Like little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yes. That’s right, jabby. Tell everyone about your benefits. [audience laughs] “My benefits? Your fucking legs work. How’s that for a benefit?” [audience laughs] “You medieval shitheads.” [audience laughing] It’s a different world now, man. It’s a different world. Isn’t it? Cruise ships? Oh, you’ll never see a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye. Our grandkids won’t know what a buffet is. Oh. [audience laughs] Fuck, Covid changed everything. First off, every cruise ship is booked up to the year 2026. People cannot wait to get aboard the plague barge and sail the bounding main. “Oh, let me die near a water slide!” [audience laughing] Not only are buffets gonna come back, they’re gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them’s gonna have an agenda. “Come on down to Captain Covid’s Alpha Males Only buffet!” [audience laughing] “You the kind of left-wing soy boy that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder, or are you able to fuck your wife?” “Then come on down to Captain Covid’s…” [audience laughing] “You show us proof you ain’t been vaccinated, you get a free platter of room-temperature scallops.” [audience laughing] “That’s right.” [chuckles] Oh… I was listening to ’70s on 7 on the way here. Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial. You like ’70s music? You hit number seven. All the ’70s music you can have, ’70s on 7. You like ’80s music? You hit number eight. [audience laughs] ’80s on 8. Do you like ’90s music? Guess what you hit. Number nine! [audience laughing] Do you like ’40s music? Well, you don’t hit number four. You used to, ’40s on 4. Now, channel 71. ’40s Junction. You like ’50s music? Well, it’s channel 72. ’50s Gold. You like ’60s music? Seventy-three, ’60s Gold. Why did those three channels get moved to the outer rim of the XM Sirius universe? I will tell you why. Their listeners are dying. [audience laughing] ’40s, ’50s, ’60s. Those listeners are dropping like… The fucking ’40s channel has five listeners left. [audience laughing] Three World War II veterans and a couple of contrarian hipsters. That’s it. That’s all that’s left. “You know who’s punk rock? Artie Shaw.” Fuck off. [audience laughing] And we can laugh and enjoy it, but hey, during our lifetimes, ’70s, ’80s, ’90s will go marching up the dial. That’s how you can track how the generations are dying, by where they’re putting the stations. [audience laughing] Keep the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s easy. I hope when they do that, that they take a little time and give some consideration to the names the way they did for the ’40s channel, ’40s Junction, train station, evocative. I get it. Picture in my head. And then they just gave up. ’50s Gold, ’60s… Ah, who care… What? You couldn’t do “Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes”? You couldn’t do “Patchouli Oil and Love Beads,” or whatever? [audience laughing] Give the ’70s channel a name emblematic of the decade. You know, “Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio.” How about that? That’s good. Sure. [audience laughing] Yeah. “Giant Candles Everywhere For Some Reason Tunes.” [audience laughing] The ’80s could be “Trapper Keeper Tunes.” [audience cheering and applauding] And then the ’90s channel could just be… [groans] [audience laughing] [groaning] I don’t know… That was Abra Moore’s “Four-Leaf Clover” on… [groans] [audience laughing] [groans] [audience laughing] Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma’am? I live in Colorado Springs. [Patton] You live in Colorado Springs? Nice. Thank you for making the drive. [woman] No problem. Okay. What do you… [laughing] Okay, glad I got that straight. It wasn’t a problem. Thank God. Okay. Guys, it wasn’t a problem. It’s cool. [audience laughing] [Patton chuckles] Do you work in Colorado Springs? What do you do? I’m a doctor. [Patton] You’re a doctor. Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um… What kind of medicine do you practice? I’m a pediatric neurologist. Pediatric neurologist. Oh my God! [audience cheering] You’re like… [cheering and applause] You are serving your community. You are helping children. You have a positive job that you have a positive attitude towards. This is comedy death. I need to get off of you right now. There’s nothing here. [audience laughing] I need to talk to a meth cook or a divorcee. This is… [audience laughs] “I help children live.” [sliding beep] All right. Shit. [audience laughing] Is this, uh… Are you with her? You guys together? Is this the hubby? The husband. The husband. What do you do, sir? I’m a lawyer. [Patton] You’re a lawyer? Ah… [audience laughing] [kisses] Finally. [audience laughing] Some evil. [audience laughing and applauding] Oh God, if it’s some kind of positive community outreach law, I’m gonna fucking… What kind of law do you practice, sir? I prosecute juvenile sex crimes. You prosecute juvenile sex offenders. Well… [audience laughing] When you say juvenile sex offenders, do you mean people who commit sex offenses against juveniles, or juveniles who are sex offenders? Juveniles who are sex offenders. Juveniles who are sex offenders. Gotta be very careful with the phrasing. And when you say… And then what happens? Like, they get… Why am I…? What is this, a…? I gotta… Me sitting down was good for that one laugh. I’m not gonna do the rest of my show like, “So what do you do?” [audience laughing] What the hell am I doing? [applause] You are prosecuting the juvenile sex offenders. Okay. And you are a neurological pediatrician. So a kid whose brain maybe isn’t working correctly, you help fix it. And the ones you can’t fix, he puts away, right? Is that how… [audience laughing] There we go. [audience laughing] There’s your next Marvel team-up. All right. So… [laughs] [audience laughing] That was cute and dark at the same time. Rare to find that. It’s like a goth girl holding a kitten. All right. [audience laughing] How about you? Do you live here in Denver? [man] I do. You do? What do you do in Denver? Uh, I work in a bar and I’m a student. You work in a bar and you’re a student. Oh, it’s a 1980s Tom Hanks movie. All right. So… [audience laughing] What are you studying right now? Uh, cybersecurity. Cybersecurity. And then, by day, he patrols the Internet. At night, it’s Slippery Nipples for secretaries, right? [audience laughing] What, uh… So you’re a bartender, and so do you want to eventually work in cybersecurity? Obviously. [man] Yeah. And the bartending’s paying the bills. Paying for you to learn. What is the… What’s the scariest thing you’ve learned so far in terms of cybersecurity? How close are we to some huge hack attack where suddenly the ATMs don’t work and all of our porn searches are on the internet? When does that happen? [audience laughs] Um… Pretty much nothing is private. [Patton] Pretty much nothing is private. Well, we all know that at this point. That’s not… Oh my God, have you ever… Okay, when you were growing up, was there, like, some asshole that bullied you or was really shitty, and now that you’re learning your cybersecurity skills, you could go digging into this person’s life and just dis-fucking-mantle it if you wanted to? [audience laughing] Has that temptation ever crossed your head? Pretty frequently. Have you… Oh! Have you done searches of old bullies’ names and stuff like that? I’ve… I’ve chosen not to. You’ve chosen not to. [audience laughs] That is a very lawyerly response. That was… Did you catch that? [audience laughing] Oh, man. Is this the wife or girlfriend? Uh, yes. [Patton] Which one? [laughter] Girlfriend. [Patton] Girlfriend! Oh! And what do you do? I’m an educator. [Patton] You’re an educator. And what do you… Thank you. [cheering and applause] Wow. What, uh… What do you… What areas do you educate in? I help high schoolers, um, access free college credit. Help high schoolers access free college credit. Does the… That’s cool. Does the, um… Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice when they’re like, “She’s cool”? “She’s all right.” Yep. That must help. [woman] It does, yeah. Do you go in with the sleeve tattoo visible? Or do they make you wear a long sleeve? I bust it all out. [Patton] You bust it all out, sit there… “Let’s get you some fucking credit while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies right there, man. There you go.” You got some ink too. How long you been going out? Three years. Four. Three or four years. Three or four years. [audience laughing] Mmm. Some cybersecurity, if you know what I’m saying. Ah, come on, people. Um… [audience laughing] Are you… Do you live together? Oh, nice! Are you gonna… She looks awesome in… And then he can get you, like, free credit card shit and everything. I mean, come on. [audience laughs] It’s a match made in heaven. Make it happen. Couldn’t he use his cybersecurity to get kids free college credit? Change their grades, get them into Harvard. There’s another fucking team-up. All right. [audience cheering and applauding] I have two superhero teams in the front row. Oh, hello sir. [audience laughing] Shorts in the front row. Ballsy. [audience laughing] That’s it. You have way more self-confidence than I will ever have. Do you live here in Denver? I do. [Patton] And what do you do in Denver? I work in Boulder, actually. You work in Boulder. Live in Denver, work in Boulder. What do you do in Boulder? I work for a grocery store. You work for a grocery store. With that facial hair? They’re cool with that or…? [laughter] What… I’m not gonna ask what grocery store. That’s weird. [man] I bet you can figure it out. Probably could. Hang on. What is your specific job at the grocery store? I’m a manager. You’re a manager at the grocery store. Do you manage the whole store or one department? Um… Yeah. [audience laughing] Yeah, part of it. Yeah. Part of it. The liquor section? What part do you, um…? [audience laughing] You seem amazed at hearing that you’re working at a grocery store coming out of you. “I work at a grocery store! I…” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] And, uh, who are you here with? Is this your friend? There’s your friend. And where do you work? Uh, I work from home. You work from home. [man] In sales. In sales. I sell light bulbs. [Patton] You sell light bulbs. Are you asking me? You seem to be like, “I sell light…” You’re answering my questions like I’m a homicide cop. You’re like, “I-I sell light bulbs?” Like, it’s not… [audience laughing] You sell light bulbs from your home. I’m a lighting salesman. You’re a lighting salesman, so you stay in your house. You call people up or get on the internet with them? On the internet. On the internet. And you try to sell them light bulbs. Absolutely. Individuals or corporations? Both. [Patton] Both. That’s so fucking weird. [audience laughs] I just… I don’t know how… So you get on Zoom calls with them, and go, “Really quick, turn on all your lights.” [audience laughing] “It’s pretty shitty, huh?” “Well, I’ve got a solution for you.” [laughing] [audience laughing] You’re not far. That’s so fucking interesting. Okay. You two are delightful, and you are not a superhero team. I’m sorry. [audience laughs] That is… I don’t know what the hell you are. There’s a guy who works at a Trader… Doesn’t quite know what he does there. Another guy gets on Zoom calls and sells light bulbs. I think you have a weird OnlyFans. You’re just covering for it now. You don’t really sell light bulbs. [man] It’s the DC Universe. Oh, DC Universe. Very… Oh… I’ll do the nerd shit, my friend. All right. [audience laughing] Don’t you dare! [audience laughing] That was a fun front row. Give them a round of applause. Thank you, guys. Wow. [cheering and applause] I love the flow of that. You know, doctor, lawyer, cybersecurity, educator, sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess. I don’t know. [groans] [audience laughing] Perfectly paced. [kisses] [audience laughing] [sighs] You know what doesn’t age well? Woke. [audience laughs] It really doesn’t. I’m woke, I think. But you know what? I won’t be someday, and so will all of you. [audience laughs] Be woke. Be open-minded. Just don’t pat yourself on the back, ’cause it’ll bite you in the ass. Everyone getting cancelled now for not being woke was woke about something, they just couldn’t keep up with progress. Progress will always fucking steamroller you. I’m very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage, gay rights, and pro-abor… No, no, no. No. No. [cheering and applause] That’s not… What I’m saying is that is going to blow up in my face someday. I’ll be doing comedy when I’m 70, and I will let slip something that I won’t be able to keep up with. I’ll be like, “I don’t think people should fuck their clones.” “Boo!” There’ll be some weird, like… [audience laughing] “No wait, I’m pro-trans.” “Fuck you, clone hater!” [audience laughing] “No, I’m totally progressive!” #Stopclonehate, then I gotta… Then I’ll double down. “When I grew up, you didn’t jerk off in a test tube and fuck whatever came out of it! If that makes me the bad guy, I’m sorry!” [audience laughing] “Boo!” [Patton chuckles] By the way, that’s how you know if you’re a… uh, if you’re an oppressed minority, or, you know, a fringe group that used to be shit on, and now you know that you’ve made it when straight, white people start asking you if jokes are okay. That’s when you know… The trans community really broke through because all of a sudden, straight, white people’ll be like, “Is this okay?” “Does this joke work? Is that okay?” You know. But either way, that means in the future, straight, white people are gonna be the minority, then they’re gonna have assholes like, “Hey, I’m doing a joke about a straight, white dude, and, um, I have him bowling. Is that okay? You guys bowl, right? Like that’s…” [audience laughing] “It’s not offensive?” “He’s listening to Limp Bizkit, ‘ironically, ‘ okay?” [audience laughing] “It’s ironic. I’m doing it ironically.” [Patton chuckles] Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit. I was in such a panic in 2016, then all the subsequent years, “What the hell’s going on? Oh my God. Is America coming to an end?” No. You know what? It isn’t. It’s bad right now, but everything that’s happening is supposed to be happening right now. Do you know what 2016 was? It was the boomers’ last temper tantrum. [audience cheering] That’s what that was. [cheering and applause] The boomers’ last temper tantrum. Every time a generation gets old, they panic because death is scary and gross, and they put someone shitty in the White House before they go. This has happened before. The greatest generation… The greatest generation, oh my God, fought the Nazis, saved the world from tyranny, came back, built the suburbs, raised the baby boomers, then they started getting old. Hair turned gray, dick didn’t work anymore, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies. They panicked. Now it’s the late ’70s. Punk music, they don’t know what’s going on. “Fuck this.” “Put the old cowboy movie actor in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here, goddamn it!” [applause] Then the baby boomers grew up. Think of the baby boomers. They were on the cutting edge of sex, rock and roll, rebellion… They owned youth, and then they got fucking old. [audience laughing] And their hair got gray, and their dick stopped working, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies, fucking Gen X and Gen Z making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok. All this hip-hop music they don’t understand. Now they’re, “Oh my God, I’m about to die. What the fuck is going on?” “Put the racist game show host in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here!” [laughter and applause] I’m Gen X. Well, our temper tantrum is going to be beyond ugly. [audience laughing] When we start getting old, our dicks stop working, our hair goes gray, God knows who we’re gonna put in the White House. It’s gonna be either Eddie Vedder or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two. I don’t know. [cheering and applause] Look. I love those guys. Janeane would be a horrible president. [audience laughs] I’ve known her since the ’90s. I love her. She would tell you that herself. Janeane, you should be president. “I’m not doing that shit.” Oh my God, wait a minute. That’s how she’ll win. [audience laughs] Think of how Gen X thinks. Like, “That’s exactly the attitude we need.” [audience laughs] That’s perfect. “No, I’m serious. I’m not doing it.” Yeah, we know, yes. [audience laughing] She’ll blow off a debate. She won’t campaign. She won’t show up to her own inauguration. Yes, that’ll be awesome. We’ll love her even more. CNN will have a ticker on the bottom of the screen, like, “Day 312 of the president not showing up.” [audience laughing] It’ll cut to her in some coffee shop. “I told you I wasn’t gonna run.” [audience laughing] And then we’ll die, and we won’t be here to see what Gen Z puts in the White House. President Logan Paul. I don’t… Look. I don’t know. [audience groaning] President Joe Rogan. [audience groaning] He would… People, listen to me. I’ve also… I’ve known Joe since the ’90s. He is a sweet guy. He has gone off the rails. You know why? ‘Cause someone gave him a hundred million dollars. [audience laughs] That would drive anybody… He’s actually handling it better than I would. [audience laughs] If I had a fucking podcast about knitting and someone gave me a hundred million, I would fuck yarn on my podcast! [audience laughing] And Joe would be like, “Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God.” [Patton chuckles] Aging isn’t bad if you don’t take it personally. That’s the key, you know. Treat it like it’s a… Pretend you’re Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, and you’re watching all this weird shit happen. You’re like, “Oh my!” Get a leather-bound notebook. Take notes, you know, late at night, like… “Oh. My farts smell like old books.” “That’s… Hmm.” [audience laughing] “But I’m not eating old books. This…” “This calls for further examination.” [audience laughing] “Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing than it does to pee.” [audience laughing] It’s coming for all of us. I’m gonna leave you with this story about my, uh… Another breakdown that I had. Foot, all of it, it’s all coming apart. But you know what? We’re living in the 21st century and it’s okay. Always keep that in mind. Last year, last November, I had to have some minor surgery, right? And I’m gonna tell you the story. I’m gonna use a little AP English zhoosh to keep it from being horrifying, ’cause it is. I had to have some minor surgery, the kind of surgery that, um, I’ll put it this way, men my age who sit down a lot have to have. See where I’m going? So… And I’m worried. Still Covid. “Oh my God, what if I get an infection?” But I forgot I live in the 21st century. I have all these advantages in the plus column. On the day of the operation, I summoned a car with my phone. The car came. The guy was masked. I was masked. Car was clean, took me to the hospital. Doctor met me, showed me all the cleanliness protocols they had. He said, “This surgery, we’ve refined it.” “It only takes an hour. You’ll be out for an hour.” “You’ll go home today.” He put me under. I wake up an hour later. Oh my God, I’m fine. He goes, “You are fine.” “Here are some cutting-edge painkillers to help you with your recovery.” “You won’t feel a thing.” “Now take out your phone and summon another car.” “You live in the 21st century.” And I did, and the car took me home. And when I got home, I had a device onto which I could call, from the air, movies, books, television shows, music to entertain me while I recovered. Twenty-first century. When I left the hospital, the doctor said, “There’s a certain bodily function, that you’re used to doing every day.” “And for the next few days, you’re not gonna do it.” [audience laughs] “And then, after three or four days, all of a sudden, you will do it.” [audience laughing] “But the first time you do it, it will be doing you.” [audience laughing] “There’s no shame in it.” “It’s gonna happen, part of the recovery.” “Go heal in peace.” I go home. First day, I watch movies. I read books on my iPad. I go to sleep. Nothing happens. Next day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. Nothing happens. Third day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. 3:30 in the morning. [audience laughing] It happens. But I wake up as it’s happening and I can feel it coming. I’m half a second ahead of it. Oh my goodness, it’s not gonna be a disaster. I hop out of bed. Everything’s okay. I make it across the bedroom floor. I get into the bathroom. I’m ten feet away from the toilet. I’m gonna make it. [sings suspenseful melody] Boom! No. [audience laughing] I had managed to get my underwear and sweatpants off. [audience laughing] Which made things ten times worse. [audience laughing] Because now, our pristine white-tile bathroom… [audience laughing] …was decorated for autumn. How about that, huh? Yeah. [audience laughing] Happy Thanksgiving. So… [audience laughing] I’m standing there going, “Oh my God, I’ve got two choices. I can either clean myself off, or risk my wife coming in and seeing this disaster, which she doesn’t deserve.” So, I do the second choice. I clean up everything first. I get a bunch of towels. I get everything all cleaned up in a big, gross wad. I gotta take off all my clothes, including my shirt. I’d ruined my shirt. [audience laughing] Physics. So… [audience laughing] Take the whole wad down to the… And I’m nude now. Go down to the kitchen with this big wad of horror, take the bag out of the can, put this in the bag. Now, four in the morning, I gotta walk to the end of my driveway where the trash cans are. Get the thing open. Drop it. And I just stand there. [audience laughing] Nude. [audience laughing] 4:00 in the morning. And I just looked at the moon. [audience laughing] Like, hours ago, I was in the 21st century… [audience laughing] …with access to cutting-edge technology, medicine, transportation. And now, just a mere couple of hours later, I had been revealed as the naked ape I always was. [audience laughing] [applause] [cheering and applause] The naked, shit-covered ape that’s inside all of us. And I actually had a weird moment of peace, ’cause it was so awful, and I’m just like, “You know what? I’m actually as far away from the 21st century as I could possibly be right now.” “I’m actually closer to my Neanderthal forebears.” “There’s something weirdly cleansing about this.” And I had that feeling for, like, ten seconds. That’s when I remembered all my neighbors have ring cameras on their doors. [audience laughing] So everybody got their Christmas card that year. Thank you so much, Denver! [cheering and applause] Thank you! Thank you, guys. Thank you! Thank all of you. [“Hard to Kill” by Bleached playing] [kisses] Thank you! [cheering and applause continues] ♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪ ♪ I don’t care ’cause Friday I’m in love ♪ ♪ We had a plan, don’t make it weird ♪ ♪ What I like, baby, it ain’t clear ♪ ♪ So close ♪ ♪ I’m looking for a place to breathe ♪ ♪ So close ♪ ♪ Drain me of my everything ♪ ♪ Don’t go ♪ ♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪ ♪ Don’t go ♪ ♪ Don’t go ♪ ♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪ ♪ Turns out I’m very hard to kill ♪ ♪ After all the damage we’ve done ♪ ♪ Turns out I’m very hard to kill ♪ [whistling] ♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪ ♪ You grabbed a box of Slims And said, “I want more” ♪ ♪ You’re so cool, you hate yourself ♪ ♪ Lying on the floor In a stranger’s house ♪ ♪ So close ♪ ♪ I’m looking for a place to… ♪